n. pronounced "Anal Pain". Rock Band.

EXACTLY WHAT THE FUCK IS AANYL PANE?

AANYL PANE are the sickest, filthiest, most disgusting—yet funniest—cock-rock band in history. Their 2 CD's, Fear the Umlaut and Prison Bitch have both gone platinum and are showing no signs of slowing down any time soon. The band specialize in songs worshipping the cock, cunt, ass, tits, pussy, fucking, incest, rimmers and of course Satan. This article tells a little about the band, but more important information is available at http://www.AANYLPANE.com.

THE HISTORY OF PANE

The Birth of Pane. Often referred to as "the modern day Sex Pistols," AANYL PANE were born December 26th, 1986 in a cold mother fuckin' college town in the mid-western United States (after learning to "play" the instruments and shit they got for Christmas the day before). Their goal? - to become the most obnoxious, immature, and offensive rock and/or roll band in the history of the universe (and considering all the other retards out there in the world of rock music that would prove to be no small task). To this day the band are believed to be the only one in history to learn to play their instruments and record an entire album in exactly 24 hours. Known for their "toe-tapping and finger-snapping fun" songs, AANYL PANE quickly became a local phenom appearing at mid-western college bars and frat parties while simultaneously receiving heavy air-play at local dance and strip clubs.
The Glory (Hole) Years. Perhaps as a result of "maturing" or possibly even "what not," AANYL PANE eventually embarked on a 10 year "vacation" in "1993." - For the record, the band never officially called it "quits," but merely experienced "a" bout of writer's block that caused them to spend 10 years writing "material" for their next album, Fear the Umlaut (which once could have been done in a mere 30 - 45 minutes).
Never ones to completely alienate their "fans," AANYL PANE re-united for "good" in 2003 and went on a critically-acclaimed world tour in which the boys appeared only at the most hallowed of concert venues and rowdiest of football stadiums across America performing night after night for their most hard-core fans.

The Early Years. A slut, er, "dancer" named Miss Cindy Baker is believed to help put the band on the map with her now famous comment, "AANYL PANE turn me on so much that they make me fuck that blanket just a little bit harder." Caught off guard by their overnight success, by 1987 AANYL PANE were already touring the U.K.!
The band's motto "quantity - not quality" rang true for years as AANYL PANE "experimented" with women, beer, song-writing, and the purchasing of literally hundreds of instruments.

The Glory (Hole) Years. AANYL PANE's popularity continued to spread via the now famous underground "cock-rock" tape distribution (pre-mp3) scene of the late 1980's. As a result AANYL PANE songs could even be heard entertaining the troops and rawking the entire country of Iraq during the first Gulf War. It's been said that Uday Hussein was even heard humming the chorus of "Spit on this Romance" while planning the execution of one of his wives.

Where Are They Now? That's a damn good question as this is one difficult mother fuckin' band to keep mother fuckin' track of. Although the members stay the same (unlike most stupid bands who change lineups more often than Rhed Smegma changes condoms), they just seem to disappear and/or die - yet never really do. AANYL PANE are apparently trying to get a third NUnun REcords album on the market but seem to be having difficulty because Deth Pheltch may or may not have probably died. Although Deth has been accused of being brain-dead for years, he's never really been officially declared dead-dead. But, now rumors are beginning to surface that he may in fact be dead-dead. This is somehow not so ironic considering that his name is (was?) "Deth" -- it was kind of to be expected at some point.

Rest assured that the other members of AANYL PANE are working feverishly to contact him by telephone and/or any other means possible. However, they are only greeted with heavy breathing and what sounds like a desparate man moaning in the background something that sounds vaguely like, "Ouch...my dick hurts." This web page will be updated as soon as there is more to report on this issue. Stay tuned, oh faithful PANE-HEAD!

THE MEMBERS OF AANYL PANE

Deth Pheltch. Deth "Mother Fuckin'" Pheltch, Ph.D. (lead vocals / lead guitar) is (was?) your typical "rock star" afflicted with a very rare strand of Lead Singer's Disease (LSD). Never to be confused with Lou Gehrig's Disease, LSD is a disease that is famous for breaking up numerous bands over the years (Van Halen being the prime example). Deth's condition, however, appears to be a much more severe form of the typical LSD in that he is (was?) BOTH the lead singer AND/or the lead guitarist. Therefore, he is (was?) famous for having legendary battles within himself as to who should have the most power and nail the hottest chicks after the gigs. Should the lead guitarist always get the final say in band decisions or should the singer? Who should be the official spokesperson for AANYL PANE? What if BOTH the singer and the lead guitarist want to score with the same groupie after the show - then what? Deth worked for years battling these inner demons and is even believed to have invented the "two person threesome" in order to cope with such inner-turmoil (albeit this was only a temporary solution to a much much more serious problem). It's easy to see how life could be so difficult for this artist, but many believers are believed to believe that his struggles within comprise the internal combustion system that fuels his pure artistic genius. This, of course, is up for debate (not the combustion part -- the "artistic genius" part).

Deth has been known on occasion to consume too much Blue Moon and then disappear for long periods of time into Oblivion. Some believe that he disappears due to pussy-whipped-ness while others believe it is so that he can beat the living shit out of those two little demons who so desperately deserve it. Whenever he returns, however, he is often even more frustrated because he couldn't get "those two little fuckers to shut the hell up for even one solid minute! Is that too fuckin' much to ask?!" Deth is currently believed to be in one of these "trips" and the word on the streets is that he is supposedly even dead. We'll believe it when we see it. For the record - until we see a decomposing rotten corpse in a cozy coffin being eaten by maggots, vultures, and Jeffrey Dahmer, we simply won't believe it (or if we happen to see his likeness appear on an album cover walking across a street barefoot and out of step while smoking a cigarette - that's ok too).

Deth M.F. Pheltch plays(ed) Gibson, Fender, PRS, Kramer, Hamer, Silvertone, BC Rich, Danelectro, Dean, Epiphone, ESP, Gretsch, Guild, Ibanez, Peavey, Washburn, Rickenbacker and other guitars exclusively.

ViDi SkaBB. ViDi "Fucking" SkaBB (vocals / guitars / basses / keyboards / accordion / bodily function noises) is often credited as being the brains behind AANYL PANE. As with everything PANE-related, this too is up for debate. Some say that SkaBB's ability to compose such meaningful lyrics to the band's famous instrumentals (Wipe Out and The Underture) is nothing short of pure genius. Others contend that composing and performing lyrics to instrumentals "takes no talent (much lesson even the ability to speak) whatsoever." You'll have to judge for yourself.

When often referred to as "John Lennon meets Johnny Rotten meets Bill O'Reilly meets Derek Smalls meets Beavis meets Butt-Head meets Peter North meets Gandhi, ViDi humbly responds, "Oh - ok."

ViDi's hobbies include cross-stitching, shooting "home videos" involving accordions (although he is too ashamed to talk about it), and farting while walking past midgets and people in wheel chairs.

Rhed Smegma. Rhed "Kneck" Smegma(h?) (basses -including that monotone version where there's a mop handle in a bucket with a string that gets plucked) is affectionately known as the "Big Bottom of AANYL PANE" (and it's not just because he plays the bass). Like Jason Newsted (former bassist with Metallica), Rhed believes strongly in "side projects." In addition to squeezing the proverbial balls for PANE, Smegma "performs" regularly with Jesus Hitler, Masturbating Shit Farmers, and the Lesbian Polka Dudes. He is also working "feverishly" on a cable TV show called, "The Male Chauvinist Pig."

Rhed spends much of his free time downloading and cataloguing porn from The Hun and building up his exhaustive collecton of Swedish Erotica. After 20 years of collecting, he's only missing video #47!

King Kweef. Born Stewart Arnold, King Kweef (drums) has beatin' the "drums" since the very birth of AANYL PANE (although not the conception of--he's pro-life). Like every drummer in history, King will tell you he began drumming at a very young age by beating on everything he could "get his hands on." Although most young drummers' instruments of choice tend to consist of pots, pans, and spoons, King demonstrated his uniqueness by choosing rather to beat on his "meat" with forks at school. His first band, Staircase Lenny and the Dead Broadways, consisted of Lenny Broadway on lead vocals, "Guitar Stand" Terri on guitars, the man with two brains on bass, and Arnold (a.k.a. Kweef) on drums. Their single, "It's Beat Off Time!" received minor airplay within the walls of a mental institution in southeastern Wisconsin. The retard groupies were ecstatic when the band finally was able to perform live for them at the now famous Tard Factory (although the mentals actually thought they were Elvis). After eventually leaving Elvis, er -- the Broadways, Kweef auditioned for an up and coming new act by the name of AANYL PANE. Demonstrating the ability to "keep time just as good as a drum machine" Deth and ViDi decided to offer King the much coveted drum throne of AANYL PANE where he has been beating off ever since. King's only complaints about playing drums in PANE are that ViDi regularly farts into the fan that King uses to keep cool during gigs.

King's influences include (but are not limited to) Mick Tucker, Ringo Starr, Chico and Leroy, Ron Jeremy, Roland drum machines, Jug Head, and Mickey Dolenz.

Dikki Dildo. Dikki Dildo (rhythm guitar) is famous for his legendary cock (thus the name, "Dikki"). Always a favorite with the groupies, Dikki aims to please. He is also reported to have penned the band's official motto, "quantity - not quality." The other members can attest to this as he has been known to occasionally utter, "If it's got two tits, a cunt, and maybe even a heartbeat I'd like to stick my dikk in it."
Not surprisingly, Dikki originally had his sights set on becoming the "biggest porn star west of the Mississippi." His first setback, however, resulted from the fact that he resided at that time in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. This meant, therefore, that the oft-geographically-challenged Dildo had to pack up that "hunk of shit he calls a truck" and move to Beverly - Hills that is...porno stars, drug dealers, transexuals, and hairbands). However, after moving to L.A. and "auditioning" he soon became frustrated with the ubiquitous politics that exist in that exclusive country club known as the "porn industry." It also did not help that wherever he seemed to go he heard that lame-ass Poison song, "Mama's Fallen Angel" ringing in his ears. (It apparently never occurred to him to buy another CD.) Anyway, back to the story -- it seems that Dikki's monster cock was just simply too large for even the biggest name porno stars of the day to handle (e.g., Christy Canyon, Jenna Jameson, Kate Parker (voted the "girl you'd most like to fuck"). After six depressing months of hearing the same scathing criticism, "There's is NO WAY IN HELL that asshole's going to stick that thing in me!" he soon got dejected and fed up with the whole idea. Much humbled after the eye-opening experience, Dikki decided to return to Milwaukee with his dikk tucked shamefully between his legs.

Among, Dikki's many aliases are Patient Zero, Reginald Van Winkle, Richard Long, Mark Roberts, and Well Hung Dong (among others we're still trying to compile).
Doosh Mukis. The bitch of AANYL PANE, Doosh Mukis (keyboards), is the often forgotten member because ah, well - he plays the fucking keyboards. Therefore his band "mates" call him a pussy. What do you expect? This fag rocks about as much as Lawrence Fucking Welk. The other 5 "lads" fucking hate having a keyboard player in their band and refuse to allow him on stage half the time. Mukis was originally forced to ride in the back of the tour bus until the whole Rosa Parks thing happened. (Actually, it's because the other members of PANE finally figured out that the back of the bus was better for bangin' chicks than the front. Now they usually just make this bitch ride his gay, little bike along side of the bus while carrying his gay, little keyboard under his arm. This has understandably caused him to miss more than a few gigs. Mukis, also contends that this also makes it more difficult for him to play, because it makes his wrists even limper than they were originally. The other members all claim they never really noticed when he was absent. However, for some reason they did admit that without him, there seemed to be a big hole in their music that needed to be plugged--royally.

Doosh Mukis aliases include (but are not limited to): Butt Slammer, Rump Ranger, Francis the Fag, Pick L. Sucker, A.S.S. Bandit, Connie the Queer, H.O. Moe, and/or Tyrrd Tickler.

OK, ENOUGH ABOUT AANYL PANE ALREADY! NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP!