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A Bit of Fry & Laurie
Title screen from the first series of A Bit of Fry and Laurie
Format	Sketch comedy
Created by	Stephen Fry Hugh Laurie
Starring	Stephen Fry Hugh Laurie Deborah Norton (Series 1) Geoffrey McGivern (Series 2)
Country of origin	United Kingdom
Language(s)	English
No. of seasons	4
No. of episodes	26 (List of episodes)
Production
Producer(s)	Kevin Bishop Roger Ordish Nick Symons
Running time	approx. 30 minutes
Broadcast
Original channel	BBC2/BBC1
Picture format	4:3
Original run	13 January 1989 – 2 April 1995
External links
Official website

A Bit of Fry & Laurie was a British television series starring former Cambridge Footlights members Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie, broadcast on both BBC2 and also BBC1 between 1989 and 1995. It ran for four series and totaled 26 episodes, including a 35 minute pilot episode in 1987. Both Fry and Laurie have expressed interest in working together again, but this has been prevented by the busy schedules of both men.

The programme was a sketch show cast in a rather eccentric and at times high-brow mould. As in The Two Ronnies, elaborate wordplay and innuendo were staples of its material; some sketches deliberately threatened to cross the line into vulgarity, but would always finish just before reaching that point.

It was a progressive show, playing with the audience's expectations. For example, it frequently broke the fourth wall; characters would revert into their real-life actors mid-sketch, or the camera would often pan off set into the studio. In addition, the show was punctuated with non-sequitur vox pops in a similar style to those of Monty Python's Flying Circus, often making irrelevant statements, heavily based on wordplay. Laurie was also seen playing piano and a wide variety of other instruments and singing comical numbers.

Broadcast details

A scene from one of the many sketches in the show, entitled The Privatisation of the Police Force.

The 36-minute pilot was broadcast on BBC2 on Boxing Day 1987, although it was later edited down to 29 minutes for repeat transmissions (including broadcasts on the Paramount Comedy Channel). The full version is intact on the Series 1 DVD. It was the first pilot Fry and Laurie had produced for the BBC since 1983, their previous attempt, The Crystal Cube, not having met with the BBC's approval.^[1]

The first three series were screened on BBC2, the traditional home for the BBC's comedy sketch shows, while the fourth switched to BBC1, the mainstream entertainment channel. Some believe this last series to be the weakest, for a number of reasons: BBC1 was not the best place to showcase Fry and Laurie's arch humour; it featured celebrity guests in all but one episode, an addition of which neither Fry nor Laurie approved; and it was shown not long after Stephen Fry's nervous breakdown in 1995, which cast a shadow over the series. One reviewer says that, perhaps owing to this, Fry got more of the laughs, while Laurie was increasingly relegated to the "straight man" role.^[2]

From series 1-3 there were also several occasional guest artists before they were made a permanent fixture during series 4, including: Selina Cadell (Series 2, Ep.4), Paul Eddington (Series 2, Ep.5), Nigel Havers (Series 2, Ep.6), Rowan Atkinson (Series 2, Ep.6), Nicholas Parsons (Series 3, Ep.1), Rebecca Saire (Series 3, Ep.2, Ep.5), Gary Davies (Series 3, Ep.6) and Colin Stinton (Series 3, Ep.6).

Politics

The show did not shy away from commenting on issues of the day. A sketch in the second series, in which a Conservative government minister is strangled while Stephen Fry screams at him "What are you doing to the television system? What are you doing to the country?", is an attack on the Broadcasting Act of 1990 and the perceived motivations of those who supported it. The pair would later attack what they saw as the Act's malign aftereffects in the sketch "It's A Soaraway Life", a parody of It's a Wonderful Life evoking a world in which Rupert Murdoch had not existed.

The series made numerous jokes at the expense of the Tory prime ministers of the time, Margaret Thatcher and John Major, and one sketch depicting a televised "Young Tory of the Year" competition, in which a young Conservative (Laurie) recites a deliberately incoherent speech consisting only of nonsense political buzzwords, such as "family values" and "individual enterprise".

Noel Edmonds was also a frequent target. During a sketch where Fry had supposedly removed Laurie's brain, Laurie came out and said that he had just finished watching Noel Edmonds and that he is fantastic.

Catchphrases

"Please Mr. Music, will you play?" Each episode of Series 3 and 4 ends with Stephen Fry preparing a ridiculously named and even more ridiculously concocted cocktail. Fry entreats Laurie to play the closing theme by saying, “Please Mr. Music, will you play?” He then shakes the cocktail while dancing eccentrically and serves it to Laurie (in Series 3) or the guest performers (in Series 4), while Laurie plays the piano and impersonates a muted trumpet.

In both Series 3 and 4, Fry precedes the question with increasingly silly introductions:

• "I say, as I like to on these occasions, the six words which open the door to sophisticated habits:” (Series 4, episode 3)
• “And now into the cocktail shaker of my mouth I throw these six words: You Please Music Mr Will Play. I give a brief shake [he shakes his head and makes “brr” noises], and I pour out this golden phrase:” (Series 4, episode 4)
• “And as I prepare your Swinging Ballsacks, I ask this question, in accordance with no principle:” (Series 4, episode 5)
• “While I mix these, I turn to the debonair doyenne of the dance and I ask as askingly as I might this ask:” (Series 4, episode 6)
• [Preparing a “Modern Britain”] “But perhaps, somewhere, you might be inspired to add one small, tender, caring cherry of hope. I wonder. While you decide, I will entreat for the very finalest of last, last times, this entreaty of m’colleague, Britain’s very own melody man, as I say to him, please, please, oh please Mr. Music:” (Series 4, episode 7)

"Soupy twist" The catchphrase "soupy twist" was uttered by both Laurie and Fry at the end of each episode of series 3 and 4 (save the Series 3 closer), and is believed to be a phrase, likely meaning 'cheers', from the language Strom (invented by Fry and first used on his BBC Radio 4 series Saturday Night Fry). Strom comprises nonsensical single-syllable words often meaning different things in the same sentence, even shorter words that can only be expressed in over a full sentence in English, and vulgar faux amis.

"What pun?" A running joke had one character adding "if you'll pardon the pun" irrelevantly mid-conversation. The second character, puzzled, would say, "What pun?" and the first character would say, "Oh, wasn't there one? I'm sorry," and resume as normal.

"M'Colleague" A phrase that Fry and Laurie began using during the fourth series to refer to each other. Both have since used this phrase outside the series to refer to the other, for example on chatshows; the dedication in Fry's novel The Stars' Tennis Balls reads "To M'Colleague".

Recurring characters

Though the programme mostly consisted of one-time situations and sketches, a few characters appeared over several episodes and series.

Alan

Alan (Laurie) is hired as a secret agent by a mysterious organisation known only as 'The Department', before which he was a gun-runner, supply teacher and Home Secretary. The character is a parody of several television shows of the 1970s, most prominently The Professionals.

The Bishop and the Warlord

The Bishop (Fry) and the Warlord (Laurie) first appear in series 1. They are the world's leading light-metal band (as opposed to heavy-metal). The Warlord (guitarist) is dressed as a typical rocker, whereas the Bishop (vocalist) is dressed in his normal vestments, and one black fingerless glove. He sings (or rather speaks) his songs from a pulpit.

Control and Tony

Control (Fry) and Tony Murchison (Laurie) are two excessively nice secret agents who first appear in series 1 of the show. Control is head of SIS, the British secret service. Tony Murchison is Subsection Chief of the East Germany and Related Satellites Desk, who brings Control his morning coffee. The characters seem reluctant to discuss issues of national security, and when they do the topic is covered with almost childish simplicity. Much of the humour in these sketches arises from the stilted, amateurish and inappropriate performance style. They parody the grim, oppressive Cold War television dramas such Callan; The Secret Service; Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy; and The Sandbaggers. There were two written, but unaired, sketches featuring the pair, entitled "Spies Five" and "Spies/Twin" - the latter revealing that Control (whose real name was, in fact, Control) had a twin brother also named Control, who painted erotic murals in Earl's Court. The scripts for these sketches are available in the script-books (see below) and here^[3] and here^[4].

Gelliant Gutfright

Gelliant (Fry) is the host of short-horror programme The Seventh Dimension, who presents stories such as "Flowers for Wendy" and "The Red Hat of Patferrick". Seated in an improbably large gold-buttoned leather chair, he indulges in elaborate and often pointless wordplay: "It is called 'Flowers for Wendy', but might it not rather have been called 'You have been Warned'? [pause] No, it might not." The stories told were often in the style of The Twilight Zone.

Jack and Freddy/Neddy

Freddy (Laurie; character later renamed 'Neddy') is a meek, quiet man with a noticeable overbite. Jack (Fry) is an eyepatch-wearing, imposing man who belongs to an unnamed organisation. He recruits Freddy to participate in several of the organisation's efforts for the 'cause,' which he states to be freedom, although this may be hyperbolic. The characters stopped appearing after 'Neddy' became Prime Minister; while he was being force-fed information from Jack, it became clear that Jack's organisation was a group of Nazis who were bent on ruling England through Neddy. Jack then stabbed Neddy in the back with his own Stanley knife.

John and Peter

Perhaps the best known of the series' characters, John (Fry) and Peter (Laurie) are hard-driving, hard-drinking executives, with a different business in each episode, ranging from a health club to the Diocese of Uttoxeter (John as Bishop, Peter as Executive Vice-Bishop). The characters are a parody of high-powered businessmen of the time, with their loud catchphrase 'Damn!' or 'Dammit John!'. Their plans are usually derailed by the casual interference of the diabolical Marjorie, John's ex-wife. The sketch also drew inspiration from boardroom soap operas such as The Power Game, Man at the Top, and Howards' Way. There was one written, but unaired, sketch featuring John and Peter, entitled "Dammit 3" - those actually shown in the programme went straight from "Dammit 2" to "Dammit 4". The script for this sketch is available in the script-books (see below) and here^[5].

Mr Dalliard

Mr Dalliard is a non-appearing character in various sketches, all taking place in a shop environment. Though Dalliard never appears, and is implied to be a creation of Fry's character's imagination, he is referred and spoken to several times in every sketch.

Tony Inchpractice

Tony (Laurie) first appears in series 2. He is the host of several talk shows, each one devoted to an odd action performed by the host and the guest during the course of the interview. The different shows are: Trying to Borrow a Fiver Off..., Introducing My Grandfather To..., Photocopying My Genitals With..., Realising I've Given the Wrong Directions To..., and Flying a Light Aeroplane Without Having Had Any Formal Instruction With.... The character was originally modeled upon a similar figure named Peter Mostyn whom Laurie had earlier portrayed on Saturday Live. There was also a similar sketch called In the bath with... on the radio series Saturday Night Fry.

Episode guide

• Pilot : 26 December 1987 (36 minutes)
• Series One : 13 January 1989 – 17 February 1989 (six episodes)
• Series Two : 9 March 1990 – 13 April 1990 (six episodes)
• Series Three : 9 January 1992 – 13 February 1992 (six episodes)
• Series Four : 12 February 1995 – 2 April 1995 (seven episodes)

Two compilations were broadcast on BBC Radio 4 on 11 August 1994.

DVD releases

After much fan-driven petition, the first series of A Bit of Fry and Laurie, plus the pilot, was released on DVD on 3 April 2006 in Region 2. Series two was released on 12 June, with as a bonus feature a 45-minute Cambridge Footlights Revue (1982) in which Fry and Laurie appear with Emma Thompson, Tony Slattery, Penny Dwyer and Paul Shearer.

The third series followed in October 2006. Amazon UK released a complete box set (all 4 series) on 30 October 2006, along with series 4 itself.

Series 1 was released on 6 July in Region 4. Region 1 versions of the first two series were released in the United States and Canada on 22 August 2006.

There is a copyright-related music edit on the Series 1 DVD during the final sketch of Episode 6 ("Tony of Plymouth (Sword Fight)"). In the broadcast version, the music was from the soundtrack of "The Sea Hawk" but instead a new piece of music has been used, drowning out most of the dialogue in the process. In Series 2 Saint-Saens is not credited for the end music (Finale from The Carnival of the Animals) until the second half of the series. On the series 3 DVD for region 1, the sketch which features Laurie and Fry singing The Beatles' "Hey Jude" has been omitted for unknown reasons.

DVD Release Dates

Music

Laurie is an accomplished musician and this talent was often featured on the show in the form of plot points in a sketch and satirical songs. It was also a chance for Laurie, who often played straightman to Fry's antics, to show his own comedic abilities. The first such song, 'Mystery', parodies a mournful love song from a lounge singer (Laurie mimics the vocal mannerisims of Sammy Davis Jr.) and presents the obstacles to a relationship between the singer and the object of affection, which become more outlandish every verse: he/she lives in a different country, would probably have a problem with the singer's job ("with the Thames Water Authority"), has never actually met and may indeed "take a violent dislike" to the singer, and has been dead since 1973 ("fifteen years come next Jan-u-ary"). This segment of the show quickly became one of its most popular. Laurie still plays this song when appearing as a guest star on television shows, such as Saturday Night Live and Inside the Actor's Studio. His songs include:

• Mystery (see above)
• Little Girl: Wearing a false pencil mustache and overly-oiled hair, Laurie, in the role of a child pornographer/celebrity photographer, tells in the style of Noel Coward of how he made an underaged girl famous by seducing and taking wildly erotic pictures of her. As the paparazzo continues to photograph the girl throughout her lifetime, she becomes a singing sensation, marries and divorces a pop singer, and fades out of the public eye. The photographer ends his song by mourning that the 'little girl' is no longer little or a girl, but on the bright side, has a young daughter whom the photographer would very much like to meet.
• America: Laurie dresses in what was, at the time, the 'standard' American rock star uniform – flannel, white t-shirt, jeans, sneakers, and a bandana headband in the style of Bruce Springsteen and Jimi Hendrix. Laurie dramatically sings the song, the lyrics of which consist of "...America, America, America..." and "...the States, the States, the States...", until Fry comes on stage, quite annoyed, and punches him.
• The Sophisticated Song: Laurie, in a white and black suit, plays guitar, accompanied by a back-up band, singing about how normally he is very cool until he needs to talk to his true love, at which point he becomes so speechless, he begins to drool.
• The Polite Rap: Prancing around in neon gangsta clothing, Laurie parodies the hip-hop culture with this rap telling people to be nice, rather than bad, and that he's a "good-ass motherliker", rather than "bad-ass motherfucker".
• Where is the Lid?: Laurie announces that he has written a "savage, angry" song about "jars that become separated from their lids." Playing the piano, he sings "Where is the lid?" mournfully and repetitively. In the background, Fry finds a stray lid, and tries it on an open jar sitting on the piano; it fits, and he pleads with Laurie to stop singing as the lid has been found and restored to its jar. Laurie ignores Fry and continues to play until Fry punches him. (This is immediately followed by a mini-feature about Laurie's "death".)
• There Ain't But One Way: Laurie and Fry, dressed as two rednecks, introduce the song. A jibe at American Southern patriotism, Laurie sings about how the only way to solve the world's problems, from the hole in the ozone layer to poverty, is to kick some ass, while Fry, playing his mentally challenged brother ("the victim of an unfortunate musical accident"), shouts out "yee-hah!" and repeats "kickin' AY-ass!" when sung by Laurie and stomps around, eventually falling offstage.
• I'm in Love with Steffi Graf: Laurie once again has a back-up band while he plays the acoustic guitar, and makes a play at the depressing grunge music of the 1990s. He overdramatically flips the hair out of his eyes in the style of Robert Smith of the Cure and, affecting an effeminate lisp, proclaims his love for tennis player Steffi Graf. He goes so far as to proclaim that he stalked her during her tournaments and finally reveals himself as the man who stabbed Monica Seles as revenge for her defeat of Graf, a big news story in 1993. While the tune is performed, a slideshow of Steffi Graf playing tennis is shown on a projector screen.
• Too Long Johnny: Laurie appears dressed completely in black and wearing a red fedora. He plays slide guitar on a resonator guitar and, affecting a bluesman accent, he sings, "Too long, Johnny, too long, it's way too long," then proceeds to sing/explain how he wants to cut "it" down to a perfect length. Unfortunately, though Johnny does get "it" down to the perfect length, he makes "its" width much too thin, and must now start all over again.
• Hey Jude: Laurie plays his grand piano and sings Hey Jude by the Beatles, in a voice reminiscent of Pinky and Perky. Fry eventually joins him on stage and begins to sing along in an impossibly deep voice. Fry then holds up cue cards so the audience may sing along with the "na na na na" of the refrain. Hugh Laurie pre-recorded his own voice slowly and sped it up, which he was lipsynching to during the show.
• Love Me Tender: Laurie once again covers a famous musician, this time Elvis Presley. He even adopts a Presley-esque voice for the song. However, Laurie's attempt at seriousness becomes decidedly skewed after the camera pans out, revealing that he is singing to Nicholas Parsons sitting on a stool. Laurie finishes up the song then tenderly kisses the shoulder of Parsons's suit.
• What I Mind: Laurie on piano and accompanied by a back-up band sings a country song about hard times with his girl, who will not stop referring to him as an inanimate object, such as a hoover, a key, and a garage.
• The Protest Song: Laurie again provides himself with a backup band and plays acoustic guitar as well as harmonica. He spoofs American college activist rock, singing about how everyone can make the world a better place. Much like his cover of "Love Me Tender", this song appears to be Laurie's attempt at seriousness, at least until he reaches the part when he must actually sing what everyone is supposed to do to build a better society. Every time he reaches this part, as if unable to think of an actual course of action to save the world, he mumbles incoherently in to the microphone. When he reaches the end of the song, he repeats the line "All we gotta do is..." several times, and then resumes playing the harmonica. He also performed this song on BBC's Comic Relief telethon in 1993, and in 2006 alongside his hosting duties on an edition of Saturday Night Live.

Hugh Laurie did not write the closing theme of the third and fourth series. It is, in fact, "Mardi Gras in New Orleans" by Professor Longhair.

Publications

Four collections of A Bit of Fry and Laurie scripts have been published.

• A Bit of Fry & Laurie. Mandarin Publishing. 1990. ISBN 0-7493-0705-6.  
• A Bit More Fry & Laurie. Mandarin Publishing. 1991. ISBN 0-7493-1076-6.  
• 3 Bits of Fry & Laurie. Mandarin Publishing. 1992. ISBN 0-7493-1701-9.  
• Fry & Laurie Bit No. 4. Mandarin Publishing. 1995. ISBN 0-7493-1967-4.  

References

External links

• A Bit of Fry and Laurie at BBC Online Comedy Guide
• A Bit of Fry and Laurie at TV.com
• A Bit of Fry and Laurie at the Internet Movie Database
• British Comedy Guide

From Wikiquote

A Bit Of Fry And Laurie was a sketch comedy starring Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie, broadcast on BBC2 between January 13, 1989 and April 2, 1995.

Series 1

Episode 1

[Spoonbending with Mr. Nude]

Stephen Fry: Well next week I shall be examining the claims of a man who says that in a previous existence he was Education Secretary Kenneth Baker and I shall be talking to a woman who claims she can make flowers grow just by planting seeds in soil and watering them. Until then, wait very quietly in your seats please. Goodnight.

Episode 2

[Language Conversation]

Hugh Laurie: : So lets talk instead about flexibility of language - erm, linguistic elasticity, if you'd like.

Stephen Fry:: Yes, i think that I've said earlier that our language, English -

L: As spoken by us.

F: As we speak it, yes, certainly-, defines it. We are defined by our language, if you will.

L: [to screen] Hello. We're talking about language.

F: Perhaps I can illustrate my point. Let me at least try. Here is a question: (hun...)

L: What is it?

F: Oh! Hun...my question is this: is our language - English - capable... is English capable of sustaining demagoguery?

L: Demagoguery?

F: Demagoguery.

L: And by "demagoguery" you mean...

F: By "demagoguery" I mean demagoguery...

L: I thought so.

F: I mean highly charged oratory persuasive whipping-up rhetoric. Listen to me, listen to me. If Hitler had been British, would we, under similar circumstances, have been moved, charged up, fired up by his inflammatory speeches or would we simply have laughed? Is English too ironic to sustain Hitlerian styles? Would his language simply have rung false in our ears?

L: [to screen] We are talking about things ringing false in our ears.

F: May I compartmentalize - I hate to, but may I, may I: is our language a function of our British cynicism, tolerance, resistance to false emotion, humour and so on, or do those qualities come extrinsically - extrinsically] - from the language itself? It's a chicken and egg problem.

L: [to screen] We're talking about chickens, we're talking about eggs.

F: Hun...let me start a leveret here: There's language and there's speech. Erm, there's chess and there's a game of chess. Mark the difference for me. Mark it please.

L: [to screen] We've moved on to chess.

F: Imagine a piano keyboard, eh, 88 keys, only 88 and yet, and yet, hundreds of new melodies, new tunes, new harmonies are being composed by hundreds of different keyboards every day in Dorset alone. Our language, tiger, our language: hundreds of thousands of available words, trillions of legitimate new ideas, so that I can say the following sentence and be utterly sure that nobody has ever said it before in the history of human communication: "Hold the newsreader's nose squarely, waiter, or friendly milk will countermand my trousers." Perfectly ordinary words, but never before put in that precise order. A unique child delivered of a unique mother.

L: [to screen] ...

F: And yet, oh, and yet, we, all of us, spend all our days saying to each other the same things time after weary time: "I love you", "Don't go in there", "Get out", "You have no right to say that", "Stop it, "Why should I", "That hurt", "Help", "Marjorie is dead". Hmn?. Surely, it's a thought to take out for cream tea on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

L: So, to you, language is more than just a means of communication?

F: Oh, of course it is, of course it is, of course it is, of course it is. Language is my mother, my father, my husband, my brother, my sister, my whore, my mistress, my check-out girl... language is a complimentary moist lemon-scented cleansing square or handy freshen-up wipette. Language is the breath of God. Language is the dew on a fresh apple, it's the soft rain of dust that falls into a shaft of morning light as you pluck from a old bookshelf a half-forgotten book of erotic memoirs. Language is the creak on a stair, it's a spluttering match held to a frosted pane, it's a half-remembered childhood birthday party, it's the warm, wet, trusting touch of a leaking nappy, the hulk of a charred Panzer, the underside of a granite boulder, the first downy growth on the upper lip of a Mediterranean girl. It's cobwebs long since overrun by an old Wellington boot.

L: [to screen] Night-night.

Episode 3

[Gordon & Stuart]

Hugh Laurie: Exactly. Waiter, this wine has resinated in the bottle.

[Costume Design]

Hugh Laurie: Can I just interrupt you here?

Stephen Fry: Certainly, Peter.

Hugh Laurie: Thanks.

Stephen Fry: Pleasure.

Episode 4

[Prize Poem]

Stephen Fry: I can't pretend to be much of a judge of poetry, I'm an English teacher, not a homosexual.

Episode 5

[Estate Agents]

Stephen Fry: If you try and kill them, you're put in prison: if you try and talk to them, you vomit. There's only one thing worse than an estate agent but at least that can be safely lanced, drained and surgically dressed. Estate agents. Love them or loathe them, you'd be mad not to loathe them.

Episode 6

[Cocoa]

Stephen Fry: [voiceover] Good old Berent's cocoa. Always there. Original or New Berent's, specially prepared for the mature citizens in your life, with nature's added store of powerful barbiturates and heroin.

Series 2

Episode 1

[Dammit!]

Hugh Laurie: A good wife, or a good business partner?

Stephen Fry: Is there a difference, Peter?

Hugh Laurie: I hope so, John.

Episode 2

[Vox Pop]

Hugh Laurie: [with an electronic organiser] Ask me anything, a telephone number, what time it is in Adelaide. Tell you what, I can tell you exactly what I'll be doing on the third of August 1997, say. Hang on... [presses a few buttons]. Nothing. See, it says. Nothing.

Episode 3

[Over To You]

Presenter: Did your children see the ... ?

Hugh Laurie: No they didn't. They didn't see it. But only thanks to the purest good fortune that they don't happen to have been born yet, otherwise I dread to think what damage may have been caused. It was simply disgusting.

Episode 4

[Dinner With Digby]

Hugh Laurie: Our Venice is being taken away from us. It's crawling with Germans.

Leslie: And Italians.

Episode 5

[Amputated Genitals]

Stephen Fry: I appreciate that you're trying to help here, but I also happen to use my genitals for, you know, getting rid of my urine.

Hugh Laurie: Oh don't worry, that's the beauty of the system. When people see you wearing a combat jacket and driving round in a white van with Killer, the piss will be taken out of you constantly.

[Bomb in a Restaurant]

Hugh Laurie: [nervously] Good evening. Table for bomb, please.

Episode 6

[Vox Pop]

Stephen Fry: Well, I was born Mary Patterson, but then I married and naturally took my husband's name, so now I'm Neil Patterson.

Series 3

Episode 1

Stephen: Twenty-five years ago the doctors told your mother and me that it would be impossible for us ever to have children.

Hugh: Oh, why not?

Stephen: I can't remember the exact reason; it was something to do with penises I think.

Hugh Laurie: Yes, I drive a Vauxhall Nova Splash. Uh, it's a limited edition. I think they only made one and a half million of them.

Episode 2

Hugh Laurie: I've always been a Daily Mail reader. I prefer it to a newspaper.

Hugh Laurie: [Walking away] No, I can't stop, I'm afraid. My wife is being towed away.

Episode 3

Stephen Fry: How may we serve?

Hugh Laurie: Well, I was after a pair of shoes.

Stephen Fry: Very well. I shall serve them first.

Stephen Fry: Ah. I fancy I detect a wrinkle of concern on your otherwise smooth and toboggonable brow. Yes, your intimations are right. Business is not what it was. It is not even what it is. It may not even be what it will be. We shall see. If it... Mr Dalliard, I've started to talk drivel now!

Series 4

Episode 3

[Barman]

Hugh Laurie: You ever been trapped in a loveless marriage with a woman you despise?

Stephen Fry: Ooh, not since I was nine!

Hugh Laurie: She takes no interest in my friends, you know. She laughs at my…

Stephen Fry: Peanuts?

Hugh Laurie: Hobbies. She doesn't even value my…

Stephen Fry: Crinkle-cut cheesy Wotsits?

Hugh Laurie: Career.

Hugh Laurie: Alright, so other men have got larger…

Stephen Fry: Plums?

Hugh Laurie: Salaries. And better prospects. And other men can boast a healthier-looking…

Stephen Fry: Stool?

Hugh Laurie: Lifestyle.

Hugh Laurie: I've got two sweet, rosey…

Stephen Fry: Nibbles?

Hugh Laurie: Children.

Hugh Laurie: I mean, frankly she's…

Stephen Fry: [points] Plain and prawn-flavoured.

Hugh Laurie: She's not as young as she used to be.

Hugh Laurie: I don't know why I bother with women. I'd be better off being a…

Stephen Fry: Fruit?

Hugh Laurie: Monk, or a hermit, or something. At least if I was a…

Stephen Fry: Fag?

Hugh Laurie: At least if I was a monk, you know, I wouldn't have to put up with women. You know, women going on and on, who can talk the hind leg off a…

Stephen Fry: Camel?

Hugh Laurie: Donkey. Trouble is, I couldn't live without women. You know, in a monastery the best you can hope for is a bit of…

Stephen Fry: Chocolate HobNob?

Hugh Laurie: Peace and spirituality. Let's face it; we haven't slept together for years. You know, the best I can hope for is a bit of…

Stephen Fry: Savoury finger?

Hugh Laurie: A bit of a cuddle at Christmas. And, naturally, she won't let me give her so much as a…

Stephen Fry: [points offstage] Good juicy tongue in the back passage.

Hugh Laurie: Just a peck on the cheek.

Hugh Laurie: The trouble with that woman is that she's just a…

Stephen Fry: Rather disgusting-looking tart that should've been disposed of ages ago?

Hugh Laurie: I tell you what it is: she's a complainer, that's what she is.

Episode 7

[Religianto]

We worship you, O God or Gods,

Whoever you may be.

We realise that you are perfect

Supernaturally.

We thank you for the birds and bees,

For creatures live or dead,

But if you actually don’t exist,

Then ignore what we’ve just said.

A-

External links

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A Bit Of Fry And Laurie