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The Simpsons character
Abe Simpson.png
Abraham Simpson
Gender Male
Job Retired World War II veteran
Relatives Children: Homer, Herb Powell
Grandchildren: Bart, Lisa and Maggie
Ex-wife: Mona
(See also Simpson family)
Voice actor Dan Castellaneta
First appearance
Ullman shorts "Grampa and the Kids"
The Simpsons "Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire"

Abraham J. Simpson[1][2] (voiced by Dan Castellaneta), known simply as Grampa, is a fictional character in the animated television series The Simpsons. He is the patriarch of the Simpson family, the father of Homer Simpson, and the grandfather of Bart, Lisa, and Maggie Simpson. In the 1000th issue of Entertainment Weekly, Abe was selected as the Grandpa for "The Perfect TV Family."[3]

Abe is a World War II veteran who was later sent to the Springfield Retirement Castle by Homer. He is known for his long, rambling stories and incompetence. He shares his name with Matt Groening's grandfather. However, Groening says he refused to name him, leaving it to other writers to choose a name. By coincidence, the writers chose the name Abraham.

Contents

Role in The Simpsons

Abraham Simpson is the father to Homer Simpson, father-in-law to Marge Simpson and grandfather to siblings Bart, Lisa and Maggie. Abe has also fathered two illegitimate children; a daughter named Abbie by a British woman named Edwina while in England during World War II,[4] and Herbert Powell by a carnival prostitute.[5] Abe has an older brother named Cyrus, who lives in Tahiti and has multiple native wives.[6] He also has a younger brother named Chet, who owns an unsuccessful shrimp company.[7] Abe was briefly married to Amber, the same woman Homer married on a drinking binge in Las Vegas.[8] Abe has also been briefly married to Marge's sister, Selma Bouvier.[9], though Homer was against it.

Almost all of Abe's biographical information is supplied by himself. Many of his stories seem to be wildly inaccurate, often physically or historically impossible, and occasionally inconsistent even with each other, suggesting that Abe is quite senile. It is unknown where Abe was born. He claims that he came to America as boy from the "Old country", but he cannot remember which country it was.[10] Abe was raised in New York City with his parents, Orville J. Simpson and Yuma Hickman.[11]

Abe is a veteran of World War II, where he served as Master Sergeant of the special forces team Flying Hellfish unit. At the very end of war in Europe, Abe's unit "liberated" a stash of priceless art from surrendering German forces. The Flying Hellfish formed a tontine, and buried the art in a trunk at sea. Decades later, Montgomery Burns, the second surviving member of the unit, tried to murder Abe in order to get the art, prompting Abe to violate the tontine. When Abe and Bart retrieved the art from Mr. Burns, the State Department arrived to give the art to their rightful owner.[12]

Homer's mother, Mona Simpson, was married with Abe for several years. She became entranced with the hippie lifestyle after seeing Joe Namath's hair on television. She became a fugitive from justice after she abetted in the sabotage of a biological weapons research lab owned by Mr. Burns. To explain this to his then-six-year-old son, Abe said that Mona died while Homer was at the movies.[13] Abe has a poor relationship with his son, who placed Abe in a nursing home as soon as he could, despite Abe selling his house in order to provide Homer with a mortgage.[14] The Simpson family will often do their best to avoid unnecessary contact with Abe, but Homer has shown feelings of love for his father from time to time.[15]

Character

Creation

Matt Groening, creator of The Simpsons, wanted to have a character that was "really cranky" and old, and who complained a lot and invented stories to tell to children, so he created Abe.[16] After naming the main characters after his own family members (except for Bart, an anagram of "brat", which he substituted for his own name),[17] Groening refused to name Abe after his grandfather, Abraham Groening. He left it to the writers to choose a name and they chose "Abraham", not knowing that is was also the name of Groening's grandfather.[18] Abe first appeared in the Simpsons short "Grampa and the Kids", which premiered on The Tracey Ullman Show on January 10, 1988. In the short, Abe tells his grandchildren stories of "the good old days". When they stop paying attention to him, he feigns his own death to recapture their attention.[19]

The Simpsons writer Al Jean commented that Abe is often the focus of pointed jokes about old people. He said the reason for that is because the staff is trying to illustrate how society mistreats the elderly, "and some of it is because people over 55 never watch our show".[16] Bill Oakley and Josh Weinstein, former writers on the show, said that they liked to write episodes about Abe because they are "obsessed" with old people.[20] Weinstein commented that they "both love [old people] and seem to really hate them at the same time".[21] He also said that he "enjoys" to write for characters such as Abe and Mr. Burns because of their "out-datedness", and because he gets to use dictionaries for looking up "old time slang".[21]

Voice

Abe's voice is performed by Dan Castellaneta, who also voices numerous other characters, including Homer Simpson, Krusty the Clown, Barney Gumble, Groundskeeper Willie, Mayor Quimby and Hans Moleman. Castellaneta was part of the regular cast of The Tracey Ullman Show and had previously done some voice-over work in Chicago alongside his wife Deb Lacusta.[22] Castellaneta likes to stay in character during recording sessions,[23] and tries to visualize a scene in his mind so that he can give the proper voice to it.[24] The episode "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy" (season six, 1994) featured many interactions between Abe and Homer, so Castellaneta therefore had to talk to himself when he recorded the voices for that episode.[25] Castellaneta said it is hard for him to do Grampa's voice because it is "wheezy and airy".[20]

Personality

Abe is an old, grizzled, periodically incontinent and quite senile man, who lives in the Springfield Retirement Castle, a sad, lonely place filled with demented, crippled and depressed old people. His closest friend appears to be Jasper, a fellow Retirement Castle resident. He often shares long-winded recollections about his past, many of which are often far-fetched rants. Among Abe's stories are the time he chased Kaiser Wilhelm II in 1922, the time John D. Rockefeller dropped silver dollars on him while floating in a Zeppelin, various times spent harassing Springfield's Irish immigrant community, listening to Thomas Edison recite the alphabet over the radio, when President Grover Cleveland spanked him on two nonconsecutive occasions,[26] and when he "took a shot" at President Theodore Roosevelt. He spends a good deal of his time writing complaint letters. He once wrote to the President, complaining that there were too many states, and requesting that they get rid of three of them, simultaneously insisting that he was "not a crackpot". He also wrote to "the sickos at Modern Bride Magazine" about his disgust at not seeing "one wrinkled face" or "a single toothless grin" in the publication. He also owns a 49-star American flag, because of his unexplained hatred of the state of Missouri: "I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missourah."

Abe claims to have attempted to kill Adolf Hitler on two occasions, one when he threw a javelin at him in the 1936 Summer Olympics, which actually hit an assassin, and once when he attempted to shoot him with a sniper rifle, missing only by a few centimeters due to unintentional interference by Montgomery Burns. Before making that missed shot, he said to himself, "Now they'll never be able to save your brain, Hitler." Many of Abe's war stories contradict each other, as some have him serving in the Army, while others portray him having been in the Navy. He is also shown serving in both the European Theater and Pacific Theater, as well as witnessing many historical events and personally encountering Adolf Hitler. Abe claimed to have performed a drag show onstage to Hitler when he was caught many miles behind enemy lines. Bart called him out on the accuracy of his encounter with Hitler, in which Abe did say that the story was not true but then admitted that he did wear a dress during a period in the 1940s. In a bizarre flashback of World War II, Abe is seen coordinating tank movements through a minefield. He signals one tank to drive directly into a mine (and explode) and signals another tank in the opposite direction off a cliff. Because of his bumbling actions in the war, he ironically claims he was awarded the Iron Cross, which was an award given by the Germans. Another war story shows him on the Motor Torpedo Boat PT-109 with a young John F. Kennedy. He says he was "the first to discover his terrible secret" after Kennedy mutters to himself, "Ich bin ein Berliner"; a phrase, in reality, Kennedy did not say until 20 years later. Hearing Kennedy speaking German, Abe proclaims, "He's a Nazi!" He and other sailors aboard the PT-109 then attack Kennedy. He also states that he never thought himself capable of shooting down a German plane but states, "Last year, I proved myself wrong."

Abe also is soundly rooted in his antiquated ways: "The metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets 40 rods to the hogshead and that's the way I likes it." (This is approximately .002 mpg, or 10.5 feet per gallon). Like many of his fellow Retirement Castle residents, Abe is a devoted follower of Matlock.[16] He seems to believe Matlock is a real person, suggesting they call him in to solve real-life crimes. During a Matlock public appearance, Abe and Jasper swipe Matlock's pills, which were needed to prevent him from having a spastic heart failure. Once, reflecting on his lifetime, he lamented it as terribly boring and full of unruly teenagers, but then decided it was alright because "we did have two shows with Andy Griffith".

Reception

Commendations

Nancy Basile of About.com named Abe the fifth best character of The Simpsons, calling him a "perfect stereotypical old person".[27] In the 1000th issue of Entertainment Weekly, Abe was selected as the "Grandpa for The Perfect TV Family".[3] Joe Rhodes of TV Guide considered Abe's most memorable line to be "If I'm not back at the home by nine, they declare me legally dead and collect my insurance."[16] Dan Castellaneta has won two Primetime Emmy Awards in the Outstanding Voice-Over Performance category for voicing various characters, including Abe. The first was awarded in 1992 for the episode "Lisa's Pony",[28] and the second in 2004 for "Today I Am A Clown".[29] The Simpsons writer David Mirkin said that one of his favorite jokes on the show is the one where Abe cycles down the street in high speed and shouts that he feels young again, and is then knocked flying from his bicycle after a dolls head flies into the spokes and falls into an open grave.[25] In a review of the Abe-centric episode "Lady Bouvier's Lover", Patrick Bromley of DVD Verdict said that he is "never terribly interested" in episodes that revolve around Abe, because he believes Abe is "great as a background character, but less so when he takes center stage."[30] DVD Movie Guide's Colin Jacobson said in a review of the same episode that Abe is "always fun" and "it’s nice to see him in an ebullient mood, at least for a while."[31]

Analysis

A seated man wearing a cap smiles as he looks into the distance. His hands are crossed.
Writer David Mirkin thinks that what makes Abe funny is that the "boring" and "tedious" things he says are "actually funny" in the context of the boredom and the tedium.

Mirkin thinks it is hard to make a "boring" and "tedious" character, such as Abe, funny. He believes that what ultimately makes Abe funny is that the things he says are "actually funny" in the context of the boredom and the tedium.[25] Anne-Marie Barry and Chris Yuill, the authors of the book Understanding the Sociology of Health, commented that in episodes in which Abe appears, the comedy content is often generated by Abe falling asleep at "inopportune" moments or "embarking" on long rambling stories about his youth. "Instances such as these match popular stereotypes that all old people are 'demented' and in poor health," they wrote.[32]

Alan S. Brown and Chris Logan wrote in The Psychology of The Simpsons that Abe has the least amount of "power" in the Simpson family, and that he is treated as little more than a child and is often ignored. The family frequently laughs at his "failing" memory and his "ineffectual" attempts to get what he wants. They added that Abe is left behind, forgotten, and rarely invited to spend time with the family. The authors commented that he is "not without influence, but he certainly does not play the traditional grandfather role in the family hierarchy."[33]

Brown and Logan also wrote that Abe had a considerable influence in the formation of Homer's character, and that flashbacks in The Simpsons show what an "angry", "critical" father he was to Homer. "He yelled, used corporal punishment, and constantly belittled Homer's attempts to have fun, date, and excel at various activities," they added. The authors said that Homer tries "in vain" to repair his relationship with Abe and continuously seeks for his approval, but Abe continues to be "as critical as ever".[33] In his book Understanding the Psychology of Diversity, author Bruce Evan Blaine wrote that Abe is typically portrayed as a "doddering", "senile", and "dependent" person who is a "trivial" and "often disposable figure" in his son's life.[34]

Merchandising

Playmates Toys created two Abe Simpson action figures for the World of Springfield series. The first, released in May 2000, depicts Abe in his usual appearance.[35] The second, "Sunday Grampa", was released in June 2002, and depicts Abe in his Sunday church clothes.[36] Alongside the television series, Abe regularly appears in issues of Simpsons Comics, which were first published on November 29, 1993 and are still issued monthly.[37][38] Abe also plays a role in The Simpsons Ride, launched in 2008 at Universal Studios Florida and Hollywood.[39]

References

  1. ^ "Wedding for Disaster". The Simpsons. Fox. 2009-04-29. No. 15, season 20.
  2. ^ "Lady Bouvier's Lover". The Simpsons. Fox. 1994-05-12. No. 21, season 5.
  3. ^ a b "TV: Breaking Down the List," Entertainment Weekly," #999/1000 June 27 & July 4, 2008, 56.
  4. ^ "The Regina Monologues". Swartzwelder, John; Kirkland, Mark. The Simpsons. Fox. November 23, 2003. No. 04, season 15.
  5. ^ "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?". Martin, Jeff; Archer, Wes. The Simpsons. Fox. February 21, 1991. No. 15, season 2.
  6. ^ "Simpsons Christmas Stories". Payne, Don; Moore, Steven Dean. The Simpsons. Fox. 2005-12-18. No. 365, season 17.
  7. ^ Oakley, Bill. (2006). The Simpsons season 9 DVD commentary for the episode "Lisa the Simpson". [DVD]. 20th Century Fox. 
  8. ^ "Brawl in the Family". Cohen, Joel H.; Nastuk, Matthew. The Simpsons. Fox. 2002-01-06. No. 276, season 13.
  9. ^ "Rome-old and Juli-eh". Kruse, Nancy; Chun, Daniel. The Simpsons. Fox. March 11, 2007. No. 15, season 18.
  10. ^ "Much Apu About Nothing". Cohen, David; Dietter, Susie. The Simpsons. Fox. May 5, 1996. No. 23, season 7.
  11. ^ Groening, Matt (1991). The Simpsons Uncensored Family Album. Harper Collins Publishers. ISBN 0-06-096582-7. 
  12. ^ "Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"". Collier, Jonathan; Lynch, Jeffrey. The Simpsons. Fox. April 28, 1996. No. 22, season 7.
  13. ^ "Mother Simpson". Appel, Rich; Silverman, David. The Simpsons. Fox. 1995-11-19. No. 08, season 07.
  14. ^ "Lisa's First Word". Martin, Jeff; Kirkland, Mark. The Simpsons. Fox. 1992-12-03. No. 10, season 04.
  15. ^ "Old Money". Kogen, Jay; Wolodarsky, Wallace; Silverman, David. The Simpsons. Fox. 1991-03-28. No. 17, season 02.
  16. ^ a b c d Rhodes, Joe (2000-10-21). "Flash! 24 Simpsons Stars Reveal Themselves". TV Guide. 
  17. ^ BBC. (2000) (DVD). The Simpsons: America's First Family (6 minute edit for the season 1 DVD). UK: 20th Century Fox. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0250735/. 
  18. ^ Groening, Matt. (2002). The Simpsons season 2 DVD commentary for the episode "Old Money". [DVD]. 20th Century Fox. 
  19. ^ Richmond, Ray; Antonia Coffman (1997). The Simpsons: A Complete Guide to our Favorite Family. Harper Collins Publishers. pp. 14–15. ISBN 0-00-638898-1. 
  20. ^ a b Oakley, Bill. (2004). The Simpsons season 5 DVD commentary for the episode "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy". [DVD]. 20th Century Fox. 
  21. ^ a b Weinstein, Josh. (2004). The Simpsons season 5 DVD commentary for the episode "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy". [DVD]. 20th Century Fox. 
  22. ^ Lee, Luaine (2003-02-27). "D'oh, you're the voice". The Age. http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2003/02/27/1046064146568.html. Retrieved 2008-09-21. 
  23. ^ Morrow, Terry (2007-06-23). "Voice of Homer Simpson leads his own, simple life". The Albuquerque Tribune (Scripps Howard News Service). http://www.abqtrib.com/news/2007/jun/23/voice-homer-simpson-leads-his-own-simple-life/. Retrieved 2008-09-05. 
  24. ^ Castellaneta, Dan. (2005). Commentary for "Homer the Great", in The Simpsons: The Complete Sixth Season [DVD]. 20th Century Fox.
  25. ^ a b c Mirkin, David. (2005). The Simpsons season 6 DVD commentary for the episode "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy". [DVD]. 20th Century Fox. 
  26. ^ Two Bad Neighbors
  27. ^ Basile, Nancy. "Top 10 "The Simpsons" Characters". About.com. http://animatedtv.about.com/od/lists/tp/sicharacters.htm. Retrieved 2008-12-27. 
  28. ^ "Primetime Emmy Awards Advanced Search". Emmys.org. http://www.emmys.org/awards/awardsearch.php. Retrieved 2008-01-18. 
  29. ^ Schneider, Michael (2004-08-10). "Emmy speaks for Homer". Variety. http://www.variety.com/article/VR1117908929.html?categoryid=1603&cs=1. Retrieved 2008-12-27. 
  30. ^ Bromley, Patrick (2005-02-23). "The Simpsons: The Complete Fifth Season". DVD Verdict. http://www.dvdverdict.com/reviews/simpsonsseason5.php. Retrieved 2009-01-24. 
  31. ^ Jacobson, Colin (2004-12-21). "The Simpsons: The Complete Fifth Season (1993)". DVD Movie Guide. http://www.dvdmg.com/simpsonsseasonfive.shtml. Retrieved 2009-01-24. 
  32. ^ Barry, Anne-Marie; Yuill, Chris (2008). "Ageing in society: a general overview". Understanding the Sociology of Health. SAGE. pp. 212. ISBN 9781412936231. 
  33. ^ a b Brown, Alan S.; Chris Logan (2006). The Psychology of the Simpsons: D'oh!. BenBella Books, Inc.. pp. 3–4 (Chapter: The Family Simpson — Family Hierarchy). ISBN 1932100709. 
  34. ^ Blaine, Bruce (2007). "Presentations and Portrayals of Older People". Understanding The Psychology of Diversity. SAGE. pp. 160. ISBN 9781412921091. 
  35. ^ "Series 1". The Simpsons Action Figure Information Station. http://figures.nohomers.net/WoS_Figures_Series_1.html. Retrieved 2008-11-03. 
  36. ^ "Series 9". The Simpsons Action Figure Information Station. http://figures.nohomers.net/WoS_Figures_Series_9.html. Retrieved 2008-11-04. 
  37. ^ Radford, Bill (2000-11-19). "Groening launches Futurama comics". The Gazette. http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qn4191/is_20001119/ai_n9979492. Retrieved 2008-09-07. 
  38. ^ Shutt, Craig. "Sundays with the Simpsons". MSNBC. http://web.archive.org/web/20070708094751/http://cagle.msnbc.com/hogan/features/simpsons_sundays/simpsons_on_sundays.asp. Retrieved 2008-09-07. 
  39. ^ MacDonald, Brady (2008-04-09). "Simpsons ride features 29 characters, original voices". Los Angeles Times. http://travel.latimes.com/daily-deal-blog/index.php/simpsons-ride-featur-1657/. Retrieved 2008-09-07. 

External links


Quotes

Up to date as of January 14, 2010
(Redirected to The Simpsons article)

From Wikiquote

For other uses, see The Simpsons (disambiguation).

The Simpsons is a popular US animated television series on the Fox Network (December 17, 1989 - present) created by Matt Groening. It documents the life of the Simpson family in the town of Springfield.

Contents

Season 1

Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire [1.01]

Homer: [as a mall Santa] Ho, Ho, [hits his head] D'oh!

[Homer leaves to go get a Christmas tree.]
Lisa: Can we go, too?
Bart: Yeah, can we...?
Homer: No... [close the shut]

Bart the Genius [1.02]

[The family is playing Scrabble.]
Bart: My turn. Kwyjibo. K-W-Y-J-I-B-O, 22 points, plus triple word score, plus 50 points for using all my letters. Game's over, I'm outta here.
[Bart's about to leave, but Homer grabs his arm.]
Homer: Wait a minute, you little cheater. You're not going anywhere, until tell me what a Kwyjibo is.
Bart: Uh, Kwyjibo. Uh... [looks at Homer] a big, dumb, balding North American ape. With no chin.
Marge: And a short temper.
Homer: I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape! [chases Bart]
Bart: Uh-oh! Kwyjibo is on the loose!

Bart: Dad, I got to tell you something, hope you won't be too mad.
Homer: What is it, son?
Bart: I'm not a genius, dad.
Homer: What?
Bart: I cheated on the intelligent test, I'm sorry! But you then made the past few weeks great. Me and you were doing stuff together, you've helped me out with things, we're closer than we've ever been. I love you, dad, and I think is something can bring us that close, it can't possibly be bad.
[Long pause]
Homer: Why, you little...! [chases Bart]
Bart: Uh-oh! [runs]
Marge: What's going on out there?
Lisa: I think Bart's stupid again, Mom.
Marge: Oh, well.
[Bart runs into his room and closes the door. Homer pounds on it.]
Homer: You can't stay in there forever!
Bart: I can try!
Homer: March your butt right out here, now!

Homer's Odyssey [1.03]

Marge: There, there, Homer. You've caused plenty of industrial accidents and you've always bounced back.

Sherri: Hey, Bart. Our dad says your dad is incompetent.
Bart: What does "incompetent" mean?
Terri: It means he spends more time yakking and scarfing down donuts than doing his job.
Bart: Oh, okay. I thought you were putting him down.

There's No Disgrace Like Home [1.04]

[Dr. Monroe introduces electric shock therapy to the Simpsons.]
Dr. Monroe: Now, don't touch any of those buttons in front of you for a very important reason, i.e., you are wired in to the rest of your family. You have the ability to shock them, and they have the ability to shock--
[Homer screams as Bart shocks him.]
Bart: Just testing.
Homer: Why, you--
[Homer is about to press a button, but Monroe holds his arm back]
Dr. Monroe: No Homer, not yet!
Homer: Awww.
Dr. Monroe: You see , this is what's known as aversion therapy. When someone hurts you emotionally, you will hurt them physically, and gradually you will learn not to hurt each other at all! And won't that be wonderful Homer?
Homer: Oh yes, doctor!
[Homer shocks Bart.]
Bart: Owww! [About to shock Homer, but shocks Lisa instead.]
Lisa: Owww!
Marge: Bart! How could you shock you little sister?
Bart: My finger slipped. [gets shocked by Lisa.]
Lisa: So did mine.
[Bart and Lisa kept shocking eatch other.]
Marge: Bart! Lisa! Stop that! [Marge shocks both Bart and Lisa.]

Bart the General [1.05]

Marge: Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this!
Bart: I guess I could do that.
Homer: What? And violate the code of the schoolyard? I'd rather Bart die!
Marge: What on earth are you talking about, Homer?
Homer: The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy how to be a man! Let's see; don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.

Grampa: I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children.

Moaning Lisa [1.06]

Bleeding Gums Murphy: The blues isn't about making yourself feeling better, it's about making other people feel worse.

Bleeding Gums Murphy: [to Lisa] You know, you play pretty well for someone with no real problems.

The Call of the Simpsons [1.07]

Lisa: Remember, Dad. The handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star.
Homer: That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class. We're in the woods.

[Marge and Lisa discuss the origin of babies]
Lisa: I heard a hideous story about it once, in the schoolyard.
Marge: Oh. Well, it's true, I'm afraid.

The Telltale Head [1.08]

Homer: [on Heaven] I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us who roller-skate and smoke cigars?

Bart: Well, I was wondering... how important is it to be popular?
Homer: I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most important thing in the world.
Bart: So, like sometimes you can do stuff that you think is pretty bad so other kids will like you better?
Homer: You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?
Bart: No.
Homer: Are you?!
Bart: No!
Homer: Then run along, you little scamp. Like I always say, a boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.

Life on the Fast Lane [1.09]

Jacques: My head cries, "Stop," but my heart and hips cry, "Proceed!"

[Homer carries Marge out of the Power Plant]
Plant Worker: Hey, what'll I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him that I'm going to the back-seat of my car, with the woman I love. And I won't be back for ten minutes! [Co-workers cheer]

Homer's Night Out [1.10]

[Homer weighs himself again after six months]
Homer: OH, NO! 239 lbs?!? I'm a whale! Why was I cursed with this weakness for snack treats? [more serious] Well from now on, exercise every morning, Homer!
[Homer stretches in front of the bathroom mirror, just as Marge enters.]
Marge: Ohhh... Don't strain yourself, dear.
Homer: Good idea, Marge.

Burns: What in blue blazes do you think you're doing, Simpson?!
Homer: What do you mean, sir?
Burns: I mean this! [holds up the picture]
Homer: [Gasps]
Burns: A plant employee carrying on like an over-sexed orangutan in heat! This is a family nuclear power plant, Simpson. Our research indicates that over fifty percent of our power is used by women. [suddenly wrinkles up the picture into a ball] I WILL NOT HAVE YOU OFFENDING MY CUSTOMERS WITH YOUR BAWDY SHENANIGANS!!

The Crepes of Wrath [1.11]

Marge: Deportation?! You mean kick Bart out of the country?!
Homer: Hear him out, Marge.

Homer: Please, please, kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.

Krusty Gets Busted [1.12]

[The opening of Krusty's show.]
Krusty: Hi, kids! Who do you love?
Kids: Krusty!
Krusty: How much do you love me?
Kids: With all our hearts!
Krusty: What would you do if I went off the air?
Bart and Lisa [watching at home] We'd kill ourselves!

"Krusty": Hand over all your money in a paper bag.
Apu: Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know.
["Krusty" takes the money and leaves the store.]
Apu: [to Homer] You can emerge now from my chips. The opportunity to prove yourself a hero is long gone.

Some Enchanted Evening [1.13]

Moe: Hey, you can level with me. You got a domestic situation?
Homer: You might say that. My wife's gonna leave me 'cause she thinks I'm a pig.
Moe: Homer...
Homer: What?
Moe: Marge is right. You are a pig. You can ask anyone in this bar.
Homer: What? Hey, Barney, am I a pig?
Barney: You're even more of a pig than I am. [belches]
Homer: Oh, no!
Moe: See? You're a pig. Barney's a pig. Larry's a pig. We're all pigs. Except for one difference: once in a while, we can crawl out of the slop, hose ourselves off, and act like human beings.

Bart: [The greatest TV room by kids with the rope.] We know who you are, Miss Botz, or should say Miss Botzcowski, you're the baby-sitter bandit!
Ms. Botz: You're a smart, young man, Bart! I hope you're smart enough to keep your mouth shut!
Lisa: He isn't.
[Miss Botz will disconnect the phone.]
Bart: You're crazy if you think you're gonna getaway with this, lady, you can't-- [Bart mouth tape on the muffled.]
Ms. Botz: I'm really not a bad person, here, while I finish up, you guys can watch the rest of your favorite video cassette.

Season 2

Bart Gets an F [2.01]

Otto: Hey, Bart Dude. Woah, you look freaked!
Bart: Otto, man, I have a test today that I'm not ready for! Could you please crash the bus or something?
Otto: Sorry, Bart Dude. Can't do it on purpose. But hey, maybe you'll get lucky!
Bart{to himself}: No need to panic. Just find a nerd and sponge answers and boom, I'm back on Easy Street!
[Bart sees Sherri and Terri in the distance. Grinning, he makes his way over to them.]
Terri: Look at him. I'll be he didn't study again!
Sherri: And now he's gonna try to get answers from us.
Terri: He's pathetic!
Bart: Good morning, girls!
Sherri and Terri: Good morning, Bart.
Bart: Say, who's up for a little cram session? I'll go first. What was the name of the Pilgrims' boat?
Sherri: The Spirit of St. Louis.
Bart: And where'd they land?
Terri: Sunny Acapulco.
Bart: And why'd they leave England?
Sherri: Giant rats.
Bart: [writing down the information in a notebook] Cool, history's coming alive!
[The bus arrives at Springfield Elementary. As the students disembark, Martin Prince approaches Bart.]
Martin: As a natural enemy, I don't know why I should care. But the information you received regarding America's colonial period is erronious.
Bart: Meaning....
Martin: A blindfolded chimp with a pencil in his teeth has a better chance of passing this test than you do!
Bart: Thanks for the pep talk...

Bart: Look at my eyes! See the sincerity? See the conviction? See the fear? As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade!
Homer: And if you don't, at least you'll be bigger than the other kids!

Simpson and Delilah [2.02]

[Homer learns that Dimoxinil costs one thousand dollars.]
Homer: A thousand bucks!? I can't afford that!
Sales clerk: Hmm... well, we do have a product which is more in your price range. However...
[He pulls out giant jug labeled "Hair in a Drum" with a $19.95 price sticker]
Sales clerk:I must assure you, that any hair growth you experience while using it will be purely coincidental.

Homer: [strangling Bart] BOY... MUST... DIE!
Bart: I love you, Dad!
Homer: D'oh! [stops strangling] Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not going to kill you, but I'm going to tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the rest of your days. You've ruined your father, you've crippled your family, and baldness is hereditary!
Bart: It is?!

Treehouse of Horror [2.03]

Marge: Homer! What's this thing in the corner?
Homer: I don't know.
Lisa: It looks like a vortex -- a gateway into another dimension.
Homer: Ooh, a vortex. [Throwing an orange into the vortex] Catch! Hey pretty slick.
[the vortex spits out a piece of wadded-up paper]
Lisa: [reading] "Quit throwing your garbage into our dimension!"

Narrator: Quoth the raven-
Bart: Eat my shorts!
Lisa: Bart, stop it! He says "Nevermore." And that's all he'll ever say.
Bart: Okay, okay.

Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish [2.04]

[As Bart and Lisa quietly fish, a strange man approaches them.]
Man: So, caught anything?
Lisa: Not yet, sir.
Man: What are you using for bait?
Lisa: My brother is using worms, but I, who feel the tranquility far outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing.
Man: I see. What's your name, son?
Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
Man: (chuckling) I'm Dave Shutton, an investigative reporter who's on the road a lot. And I must say that in my day, we didn't speak that way to our elders!
Bart: Well this is my day, and we do, sir.

Mr. Burns: Take me home, Smithers. We'll destroy something tasteful.

Mr. Burns: Ironic, isn't it Smithers. This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you!
Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

Dancin' Homer [2.05]

Homer: For the first time in my life, people weren't laughing at me, they were laughing towards me!

(Looking at a "Dancin' Homer" T-shirt)
Marge: A Simpson on a T-shirt, I thought I'd never see the day.

Dead Putting Society [2.06]

Homer: Marge, where's the Duff?!
Marge: Oh, uh, we're all out, Homer.
Homer: D'oh!
Marge: Would you like some fruit juice?
Homer: Don't toy with me, woman!

Homer: All right, knock it off!
Ned Flanders: Knock what off, Simpson?
Homer: You've been rubbing it in my nose since I got here! Your family is better than my family, your beer comes from farther away than my beer, you and your son like each other, your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt! You make me sick!
Ned: Simpson, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I hope you understand!
Homer: I wouldn't stay on a bet!

Bart vs. Thanksgiving [2.07]

Lisa: [writing a poem]
I saw the best meals of my generation
Destroyed by the madness of my brother.
My soul carved in slices
By spiky-haired demons.

[Homer tries to watch a football game when he sees Bart smothering Lisa with a sofa cushion.]
Homer: Bart! Stop fighting with your sister!
Bart: Hey, man! She took my glue!
Lisa: It's not yours, Bart! This is family glue!
Homer: Stop it, you two! This is Thanksgiving, so glue friendly or I'll take your glue away and then nobody will have any glue to glue with!

Bart the Daredevil [2.08]

Otto: [about Springfield Gorge] Hey, this thing's pretty gnarly. I bet you could throw a dead body in there, and no one would eeeeever find it.
Bart: Otto, I'm going to leap over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard.
Otto: You know, Bart, as the only adult here, I feel I should say something.
Bart: What?
Otto: COOOOOOOOL!!!!!

Lance Murdock: It's always nice to see young people taking an interest in danger. Now, son, a lot of people are going to be telling you you're crazy - and maybe they're right! But I want to tell you three things: bones heal, chicks dig scars, and the United States of America has the best doctor-to-daredevil ratio in the world!

Itchy & Scratchy & Marge [2.09]

[Marge is writing a letter to the producers of Itchy and Scratchy]
Marge: Dear purveyors of senseless violence, I know this may sound silly at first, but I believe that the cartoons you show to our children are influencing their behavior in a negative way. Please try to tone down the psychotic violence in your otherwise fine programming. Yours truly, Marge Simpson.

Roger Meyers, Jr.: [in response to Marge's letter] Dear valued viewer, thank you for taking an interest in the Itchy & Scratchy program. Enclosed is a personally autographed photo of America's favorite cat-and-mouse team to add to your collection. In regards to your specific comments about the show, our research shows that one person cannot make a difference, no matter how big a screwball she is, so let me close by saying...
Marge [reading the letter out loud] And the horse I rode in on? I'll show them what one screwball can do!

Bart Gets Hit by a Car [2.10]

Homer: He's awake!
Marge: Oh, Bart! We thought for a minute you'd gone away from us.
Bart: I did go away, Mom! I was miles and miles and miles away, writhing in agony in the pits of Hell! And you were there! And you and you and you. You, I've never seen before.
Homer: Hey, yeah, who are you? I saw you chasing Bart's ambulance.
Lionel Hutz: Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.
Homer: Ooh, classy.

[After Marge ruins the case and the million dollars for Homer. Mr. Burns and his lawyers meet with Homer and Mr. Hutz in the back room.]
Mr. Burns: I'm going to write a figure on this piece of paper. It's not quite as large as the previous number but I think you'll find it acceptable. [Writes a big zero and hands it to Homer]
Hutz: I think we should take it.
Homer: Ohhhhh.

One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish [2.11]

Master Chef: [car sounds horn] Ah, she's here. Cover for me.
Akira: One Fugu.
Toshiro: No, not Fugu! If it is cut improperly, it's-
Akira: Yes, yes, I know it's poisonous, but if sliced properly, it can be quite tasty.
Toshiro: I must get to the master. [heads out to the alley, where a car is parked. The Master Chef and Mrs. Krabappel are making out inside.]
Master Chef: Oh, Mrs. Krabappel, your hair is so alluring...
Toshiro: Master, we need you back in the kitchen.
Master Chef: I said cover for me, damn it!
Toshiro: But Master, we need your skilled hands!
Master Chef: My skilled hands are busy, YOU DO IT!

[Homer is brought to the hospital after eating the fugu.]
Dr. Hibbert: Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through five stages. The first is denial.
Homer: No way, because I'm not dying!
Dr. Hibbert: Second is anger.
Homer: [yelling] Why you little!
Dr. Hibbert: After that comes fear.
Homer: [worried] What's after fear? What's after fear?!
Dr. Hibbert: Bargaining.
Homer: Doc, you gotta get me outta this. I'll make it worth your while.
Dr. Hibbert: Finally acceptance.
Homer: Well, we all gotta go sometime.
Dr. Hibbert: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.

The Way We Was [2.12]

Homer: Time for Doctor TV to perform a little surgery.
[He hits the TV, and it goes blank.]
Bart: Looks like you lost the patient, Doc.

Barney: Hey, Homer, you're late for English!
Homer: Pffft, English, who needs that? I'm never going to England. Come on, let's go smoke!

[Homer tries to ask Marge to the Prom.]
Homer: Look, I'm not asking you to like me. I'm not asking you to put yourself in a position where I can touch your goodies. I'm just asking you to be fair.

Flashback Homer: Marge I have a problem. When you stop this car, I'm gonna hug you. And kiss you. And I'll never be able to let you go.
Present Homer: And I never have.

Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment [2.13]

[Everyone leaves Homer's house after the fight ends.]
Apu: Quite a donnybrook, eh, Mr. Burns?
Mr. Burns: Balderdash! Why, I once watched "Gentleman" Jim Corbett fight an Eskimo fellow bare-knuckled for a hundred and thirteen rounds! Of course, back then, if a fight lasted less than fifty rounds, we demanded our nickel back!

Marge: So kids what did you learn about today?
Bart: Hell.
Homer: BART!
Bart: What? That's what we learned about. I sure as hell can't say we learned about hell unless I can say hell now can I?
Homer: Kids got a point Marge.
Bart: Hell yes!
Marge: Bart.
Bart: [sings]Hell, hell, hell, hell, hell.
Marge: Bart, you're no longer in Sunday School. Don't swear.
Marge: Don't give up, When you love somebody, you have to have faith that in the end, they will do the right thing.

Principal Charming [2.14]

Homer: Which one's Selma, again?
Marge: She's the one who likes Police Academy movies and Hummel figurines, and walking through the park on clear autumn days.
Homer: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. But I thought she was the one that didn't like to be... you know... touched.
Marge: It's Patty who chose a life of celibacy. Selma simply had celibacy thrust upon her.

Marge: You will find Selma a man!
Homer: All right.
Marge: And not just any man.
Homer: Okay!
Marge: He should be honest, and, and caring. And well-off. And handsome.
Homer: Hey! Why should she have a better husband than you do!?

Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? [2.15]

Grampa: Pull your chair closer, my son.
Homer: What is it, Dad?
Grampa: Pee-yoo! Not that close! Sheesh. Homer, that heart attack made me realize that I'm going to die someday.
Homer: Oh, Dad, you and your imagination.

Homer: And our three children: Bart, Lisa and Maggie.
Bart: Hello, sir.
Lisa: Hello, Mr. Powell.
Herbert: Hello, kids. [to Homer, quietly] All born in wedlock?
Homer: [quietly] Yeah, though the boy was a close call.

[Homer walks in looking dejected.]
Herb: Hey, Homer! How's your car coming?
Homer: Okay, I guess. They were putting in an onboard something-or-other and rack-and-peanut steering.
Herb: Homer, did you ask for rack-and-pinion steering?
Homer: I think so.
Herb: How could you? You don't even know what it is. You just called it "rack-and-peanut" steering!

Bart's Dog Gets an F [2.16]

Bart: No way, she's faking! If Lisa stays home, I stay home.
Lisa: If Bart stays home, I'm going to school.
Bart: Fine, then... Wait a minute... If Lisa goes to school, then I go to school, but then Lisa stays home, so I stay home, so Lisa goes to school...
Marge: Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that.

Bart: Now... Sit! I said, Sit! Um, take a walk. Sniff that other dog's butt. See? He does exactly what I tell him.

Mrs. Winthrop: (Very sweetly) Most of you know that with a little love and compassion, any puppy can grow up to be a cuddly little bundle of joy. (Suddenly angry) STUFF AND NONSENSE taught by charlatans and learned by bloody twits! Let me tell you the two most important words you will ever hear in your life - "choke chain!" (She puts the chain around Santa's Little Helper's neck) You raise a dog the same way you would raise a child: with simple, authoritative commands. LAY DOWN! (Santa's Little Helper doesn't respond) Followed by immediate correction! (She tugs the chain. Santa's Little Helper yelps and collapses on the ground.)
Martin: How can we tell if we're doing this maneuver effectively?
Mrs. Winthrop: The dog's eyes will bulge and his tongue will protrude and change color ever so slightly.
Bart: Is my dog dead, Ma'am?
Mrs. Winthrop: (laughing) You don't know how often I'm asked that! "Choke chain" is a misnomer. Trust me, they are always breathing.

Old Money [2.17]

Marge: You know, we'll be old someday.
Homer: Gasp! My God, you're right, Marge! You kids wouldn't put me in a home like I did to my dad, would you?
Bart: Well...
Homer: Aaah!

Grandpa: Well, I was wondering if you and I you know, might go to the same place at the same time and... Jeez! You'd think this would get easier with time!

Brush with Greatness [2.18]

[Homer reacting to his weight.]
Homer: Oh my God, it's 260 pounds! I'm a big fat pig!
Marge: Now Homer, you do have big bones.
Homer: Marge, nobody gains thirty pounds of bone!

Burns: [offscreen] SMITHERS! I WANT MY TEA!
Marge: [to Smithers] Doesn't it bother you that he orders you around like that?
Smithers: [chuckles] Actually, I value every second we're together. From the moment I squeeze his orange juice in the morning, till I tuck him in at night. He's not just my boss, he's my best friend too.
[Burns enters; Smithers gives him the tea]
Burns: [sipping] Bah! Too hot! [throws it on Smithers]
Smithers: Right, sir. It's... scalding me as we speak.

[Meanwhile, somewhere in Liverpool]
Ringo Starr: Dear Sally, in response to your letter of December the 12th, 1966, me favourite colour is blue, and me real first name is Richard. Thanks for the snapshot, you're a real cute bird. Love, Ringo. P.S. Forgive the lateness of my reply.
Weatherby: Mr. Starr, tea and crumpets.
Ringo: Just set it over there.
Weatherby: Sir, if you'll forgive an old Brit his impertinence, your devotion to your fans is nothing short of remarkable.
Ringo: Well, Weatherby, they took the time to write me, and I don't care if it takes me another 20 years. I'm going to answer every one of them. [picks up a large envelope] Hello, what's this? From Springfield, U.S.A. [sees painting of him] Gear!

Lisa's Substitute [2.19]

Mr. Bergstrom: Lisa, your homework is always so neat. How can I put this? Does your father help you with it?
Lisa: No. Homework's not my father's specialty.
Mr. Bergstrom: Well there's no shame in it, I mean, my dad--
Lisa: Not mine.
Mr. Bergstrom: You didn't let me finish--
Lisa: Unless the next word was "burped", you didn't have to.

Homer: What are you moping about?!
Lisa: Nothing.
Marge: Lisa, tell your father.
Lisa: Mr. Bergstrom left.
Homer: [uninterested] Oh?
Lisa: He's gone...forever.
Homer: And...?
Lisa: I didn't think you'd understand.
Homer: Hey! Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

The War of the Simpsons [2.20]

[Homer is passed out on the floor as everyone leaves Marge's party.]
Dr. Hibbert: If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.
Marge: Thank you, Doctor.
Dr. Hibbert: Remember, I said "if."

Homer: About last night. You might have noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why.
Bart: I understand why. You were wasted.
Homer: I admit it. I didn't know when to say "when." I'm sorry it happened and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me.
Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.

Three Men and a Comic Book [2.21]

Comic Book Guy: Tell you what. I'm gonna show you something very special if you promise to put your grubby little hands behind your back and keep 'em there. (Opening a metal suitcase) Behold!
Bart: Wow! Radioactive Man #1!
Comic Book Guy: None other!
Bart: It must be worth a million bucks...
Comic Book Guy: It is, my lad. But I'll let you have it for $100, because you remind me of me.

Marge: Maybe a part-time job is the answer.
Bart: Oh, Mom, I couldn't ask you to do that. You're already taking care of Maggie and Lisa is such a handful.
Lisa: She means you should get a job, stupid!
Bart: ([Daniel Stern's voice, à la The Wonder Years) Me? Get a job? Were they serious? [The Byrds' "Turn! Turn! Turn!" begins to play.] I didn't realize it at the time, but a little piece of my childhood had slipped away, forever.
Homer: Bart! What are you staring at?
Bart: Uh, nothing. ([Daniel Stern continues]) He didn't say it, and neither did I, but at that moment, my dad and I were closer than we-
Homer: Bart! Stop it!
Bart: Sorry.

Bart: Ugh! I am through with working! Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out!

Blood Feud [2.22]

Mayor Quimby: Chief Wiggum, Archbishop McGee, distinguished guests, I am pleased to dedicate this emergency warning system. In the off-chance of a nuclear disaster, this sign will tell you, the good citizens of Springfield, what to do!
[sign lights up, "Relax. Everything is fine."]
Crowd: Ooh. [applause]
[sign lights up, "Minor leak. Roll up window."]
Crowd: Ooh. [mild applause]
[sign lights up, "Meltdown. Flee city."]
Crowd: [scattered applause]
[sign lights up, "Core explosion. Repent sins."]
Crowd: [stunned silence]
Homer: [snickers] Joke's on them. If the core explodes, there won't be any power to light that sign!

[After the Simpsons receive a large idol head of Xtapolapocetl, the Olmec god of war, as a reward from Burns. Simpsons creator Matt Groening comments that this dialogue sums up the whole show.]
Marge: The moral of this story is a good deed is its own reward.
Bart: Hey, we got a reward. The head is cool!
Marge: Well then... I guess the moral is no good deed goes unrewarded.
Homer: Wait a minute! If I hadn't written that nasty letter, we wouldn't have gotten anything!
Marge: Well... then I guess the moral is the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
Lisa: Perhaps there is no moral to this story.
Homer: Exactly! It's just a bunch of stuff that happened.
Marge: But it certainly was a memorable few days.
Homer: Amen to that!
[The family laughs]

This piece of dialogue was present in the Victorian Certificate of Education's 2004 GAT (General Achievement Test) sat by all students in Victoria, Australia completing their final years of school. The dialogue was part of a multiple choice question asking for analysis of the piece. It can be found online (page 10-11).

Season 3

Stark Raving Dad [3.01]

Homer: Lisa, you like homework. Could you fill out this form for me?
Lisa: Well, all right. If you'll listen to the poem I just wrote.
Homer: D'OH!!... Oh, okay.
Lisa: Meditations on Turning Eight, by Lisa Simpson. [reads] "I had a cat named Snowball. / She died, she died! / Mom said she was sleeping. / She lied, she lied! / Why oh why is my cat dead? / Couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead? / I had a hamster named Snuffy. / He died--"
Homer: [takes his form] No deal!

Michael Jackson: I can't believe you've never heard of me, I'm a very popular entertainer.
Homer: of course I've heard of you! I mean you'd have to be living under a rock not to know...what'd you say you name was?
Michael Jackson: Michael Jackson.
Homer: Doesn't ring a bell.
Michael Jackson: Well have you heard of MTV?
Homer: No
Michael Jackson: Motown?
Homer: No
Michael Jackson: Beat it?
Homer: You beat it!
Michael Jackson: Thriller?
Homer: What was that last one again?
Michael Jackson: Thriller.
Homer: No.

Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington [3.02]

[About a check from "Reading Digest"]

Homer: I had a feeling it was too good to be true. Every time you get a million dollars, something queers the deal.
Lisa: I don't think real checks have exclamation points.

Homer: [reading] Then I heard the sound that all Arctic explorers dread... the pitiless bark of the sea lion! [gasp] He'll be killed!
Marge: Homer, he obviously got out alive if he wrote the article.
Homer: Don't be so... [flips ahead] Oh, you're right.

When Flanders Failed [3.03]

Homer: [On the phone] Hello, Jerry? Homer Simpson. Remember last month when I paid back that loan? Well now I need YOU to do a favor for ME.

Mr. Burns: [using a left-handed can opener] The worm has turned, has it not, my tin-plated friend? Look at you! You were once so proud. Now feel the wrath of the left hand of Burns!

Bart the Murderer [3.04]

Tony: Pick a horse, kid. Shelbyville Downs, third race. Make it a good one.
Bart: Eat my shorts!
Tony: Eat My Shorts? Ah, okay... [consults the racing form] Let's see... Wait a minute, you little punk! Eat My Shorts is in the fifth race! I said the third race!
Bart: Don't have a cow!
Tony: [to a fellow crony] Don't Have a Cow in the third, put a deuce on him.

Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. And I am the... um... What cures cancer?

Homer Defined [3.05]

Kent Brockman Uh, Mr. Burns, people are calling this a meltdown.
Mr. Burns: [over the hotline] Oh, meltdown. It's one of these annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.

Mr. Burns: Well Smithers, I guess there's nothing left to do but kiss my sorry ass good-bye.
Smithers: May I, sir?
Mr. Burns: Ewww...

Like Father, Like Clown [3.06]

Krusty: (voice-over) My father was the most respected person in the Lower East Side of Springfield. People would come for miles around to ask his advice.
Young Jewish Man: Reb Krustofsky, should I finish college?
Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Yes. No one is poor, except he who lacks knowledge.
Jewish Woman: Rabbi, should I have another child?
Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Yes. Another child would be a blessing on your house.
Jewish Man: Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler?
Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Could you rephrase that as an ethical question?
Jewish Man: Um... is it right to buy a Chrysler?
Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Oh, yes! For great is the car with power steering and dyna-flow suspension.

Bart: We came to talk to you about your son...
Rabbi Krustofsky: I have no son! [slams the door]
Bart: [talking to Lisa] Great, we came all this way and it's the wrong guy!
Rabbi Krustofsky: [opens door] I didn't mean that literally! [slams door again]

Treehouse of Horror II [3.07]

[Burns transplants Homer's brain into a robot]
Burns: Smithers, hand me that ice-cream scoop.
Smithers: Ice-cream scoop?!
Burns: Dammit, Smithers! This isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery!
[Burns removes Homer's brain then puts it atop his own head]]
Mister Burns: Look at me, I'm Davy Crockett!

[Burns performs a lobotomy without anesthesia]]
Homer: Ow. Ow! OW!
Burns: Quit complaining! This was I do not have to waste money on morphine! Well Smithers, you were right, he was not dead. I guess I owe you a Coke. And as for you, you lousy hunk of tin, take that! [Burns kicks robot, which tips it over and looms over Burns]
Smithers: Run Mister Burns!
[The robot lands on Burns, crushing him save for his head]]
Burns: Every bone in my body broken... vital organs leaking fluid... slight headache... Smithers, I'm dying.
Smither: No sir! Is there anything I can do?
Burns: We have one chance. Go to my office. Second drawer...there is some ether...
[Homer awakens, then walks into bathroom to remind himself that it was only a nightmare. When he closes the medicine cabinet, he sees Mr. Burns' head grafted onto him]]
Homer: DOH!
Mr. Burns: Perhaps you're curious as to why you have two heads. You see, when I was about to die, we saw your ample shoulder space provided enough oppurtunity to graft my head onto your body, thus saving my life.
Homer{hyperventilating}: This is only a dream. I did not wake up!
Mr. Burns: Oh sure, it is only a dream. Keep telling yourself that!
[Screen fades to black to creepy music, then scene resumes with normal Simpsons music looking like a canonical episode]]
Narrator: Next week, on The Simpsons.
Lisa: Dad, next Friday night my school is having an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner.
Homer: WOO-HOO!
Mr. Burns: But Homer, next Friday night the plant is having a ceremony welcoming Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands.
Homer: DOH! I hate having two heads!

Lisa's Pony [3.08]

[Lisa calls Homer on the phone.]
Lisa: Dad, I broke my last saxophone reed, and I need you to get me a new one.
Homer: Uh, isn't this the kind of thing your mother's better at?
Lisa: I called her. She's not home. I also tried Mr. Flanders, Aunt Patty, Aunt Selma, Dr. Hibbert, Reverend Lovejoy, and that nice man who caught the snake in our basement.
Homer: Wow, and after them, out of all the people in the world, you chose me.

Marge sighs as she looks over the mounting bills, most of which have to with the expenses of the pony
Marge: Hmmm, we're in serious trouble here. We're just going to have to cut back on luxuries.
Homer: Well, you know, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases she doesn't even have.
Marge: Actually, I was thinking we could cut back on your beer.
Homer: Nah, we're not gonna be doing that.

Saturdays of Thunder [3.09]

Homer: You know, Marge, that Bart is a little miracle – his winning smile, his button nose, his fat little stomach, his face alight with wholesome mischief. He reminds me of me before the weight of the world crushed my spirit.

Homer's Brain: Don't you get it? You've got to use reverse psychology.
Homer: That sounds too complicated.
Homer's Brain: OK, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: All right, I will!

Flaming Moe's [3.10]

Janey: Now remember, Wanda, whatever shape the wax takes, that's what your husband's job will be.
[Janey drips some melted candle wax into a cup of cold water.]
Wanda: [disappointed] It's a mop. My husband will be a janitor.
Lisa: That looks like an Olympic torch to me. Your husband could be an Olympic athlete who will go on to have a great acting career!
Wanda: [lets another drop of wax fall] It's a dustpan.
Lisa: The wax never lies...

Moe: [lying in bed with female bartender] Now that's what I call a happy hour.
Woman: Oh, Morris, something troubles me...
Moe: Don't worry, baby, my mother won't be home for another twenty minutes –
Woman: No, I was thinking about Homer Simpson.
Moe: That's okay, I was just thinking about Sybil Danning.
Woman: I mean that you should sell your drink, and give half the money to Homer.
Moe: Wha-?!
Woman: [stern] He's your friend, Moe. And you took advantage of him.
Moe: All right, all right, I'll split the money! Jeepers, Mary and Joseph, I sleep with a chick once, and it costs me half a million bananas!

Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk [3.11]

Carl: Yeah, you know, those Germans aren't so bad.
Lenny: Sure they made mistakes in the past, but hey, that's why pencils have erasers!

German Managers: Attention workers, we have completed our evaluation of the plant. We regret to announce the following lay-offs, which I will read in alphabetical order... Simpson, Homer. That is all.

I Married Marge [3.12]

Homer: Do you really think you're pregnant?
Marge: Well, I have the same nausea and craving for pancake mix I had with the other kids.
Homer: Yeah, and I have the same tightness in my chest and profuse sweating I always did.

[At Shotgun Pete's 24-Hour Wedding Chapel...]
Clerk: Basic ceremony's twenty bucks. Here's your license. (She hands them a punch card.) Be sure to get this punched every time. The tenth wedding is on the house!
Homer: Hey! This marriage is gonna last forever!
Clerk: (chuckling) No matter how many times I hear that, it still makes me laugh!

[As Marge does some accounting, Homer enters with his latest purchase.]
Homer: Marge, look at this! A baby monitor! (into the monitor) "Baby to Marge. Baby to Marge. Waa! Waa! Over."
Marge: Homer, I don't know how we can afford all these things on your salary.
[Homer looks out the window and sees the Power Plant.]
Homer: Hey, why don't I apply at the Nuclear Power Plant. I hear they pay pretty well!
Marge: I don't know. I heard radiation can make you sterile.
Homer: Pfft. Now you tell me!

[Homer runs into the delivery room after Marge has gone into labor.]
Homer: Marge! Marge, where's the baby?
Patty: (pointing to Marge's belly) Right where you left it!

Radio Bart [3.13]

["We're Sending Our Love Down The Well"]
Sting: There's a hole in my heart, as deep as a well,
For that poor little boy who's stuck halfway to Hell...
Sideshow Mel: Though we can't get him out, we'll do the next best thing...
Rainier Wolfcastle: We'll go on TV and sing, sing, sing!
All: And we're sending our love down the well...
Krusty: All the way down!
All: We're sending our love down the well...
Krusty: Down that well!

[On TV]
Kent: So, as it turns out, we've all been victims of a cruel hoax, masterminded by a 10-year old hooligan. The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents.
Homer: It's not our fault! We didn't want the boy, he was an accident!
Marge: HOMER!
Homer: Sorry. Uh... could you edit that last part out?
Kent: Mr. Simpson, we're live, coast-to-coast.
Homer: D'oh!

Lisa the Greek [3.14]

[Homer just won another bet and is getting his latest winnings from Moe]
Homer: Hi Moe. A beer...AND A LOT OF BILLS!

[After Homer explains that he and Lisa can't climb up Mt Springfield.]
Lisa: But what about Daddy-Daughter Day?
Homer: Don't worry, the football season's just eight months away.
Lisa: So that's it. You just needed me so I can help you gamble. You never wanted to be with me at all!! [starts crying]
Marge: You're a very selfish man.
[Bart is playing with a button that Homer bought him, and presses "Go to hell" three times]
Bart: Once again, Dad, great present!

Homer Alone [3.15]

Arnie Pye: This is Arnie Pye with Arnie in the Sky! We've got big problems on the Springfield Memorial Bridge people. Traffic is held waaaaaaaaay back in both directions. And look out at the corner of 14th and Elm because I just dropped my bagel!

Selma: Lisa, you'll sleep in my bed. Bart, you'll be sleeping with your Aunt Patty.
Bart: ...In your bed?
Patty: Uh-huh. And just a warning: I'm told I snore.
[Patty and Selma chuckle. Bart and Lisa quickly grab each others hand]
Patty: Oh! "Divorce Court" is on in five minutes!
[They get up and leave.]
Bart: I'm scared, Lisa.
Lisa: You think you know fear? Well, I've seen them naked!
[Bart screams]

[Marge, having taken part of all the activities, watches the Rancho Relaxo infomercial on the TV.]
Troy McClure: By now, you've seen all Rancho Relaxo has to offer...
Marge: Uh-huh.
Troy McClure: But remember: we can't tell you how to have a good time. You have to tell us! As I said to Delores Montinegro in "Calling All Quakers": Have it your way, baby!
[Marge picks up the phone.]
Marge: Hello, Room Service? I'd like a banana fudge sundae. With whipped cream! And some chocolate chip cheesecake. And a bottle of tequila!

Bart the Lover [3.16]

Bart: Hey, Lis. Suppose I'm writing a second letter to a girl and I already used up my "A" material. What should I say?
Lisa: Ooooh, could it be there's a special someone you're not telling me about? Who is she, Bart? Is it Sherri?
Bart: No.
Lisa: Is it Terri?
Bart: No.
Lisa: Is it that girl with the lazy-eye patch?
Bart: No.
Lisa: Is it that exchange student, Mx!pa?
Bart: No! It's... homework.
Lisa: Yeah, right! "Hey, Bart! Let's do some 'homework!'"
[Lisa makes kissy faces at Bart until he shoves her over.]

[At the Flanders dinner table...]
Maude: Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables?
Todd: Hell, no.
[The rest of the Flanders's all gasp.]
Ned: What did you say?
Todd: I said I don't want any damn vegetables.
Ned: Well, that's it, young man! No Bible stories for you tonight!
[Todd runs upstairs crying.]
Maude: Don't you think you were a little hard on him, Dear?
Ned: Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.

Homer at the Bat [3.17]

[Umpire talking to the captains before the game.]
Umpire: Okay, let's go over the ground rules. You can't leave first until you chug a beer. Any man scoring has to chug a beer. You have to chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings. Oh, and the fourth inning is the beer inning.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, we know how to play softball!

Marge: What makes you think this Darryl Strawberry character is better than you?
Homer: Marge, forget it. He's bigger than me, smarter than me, faster than me, stronger than me, and he already has more friends around the plant than I do.
Bart: You make me sick, Homer! You're the one who told me I could be the best at anything if I just put my mind to it!
Homer: Well, now that you're a little bit older, I can tell you that's a crock! No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.
Bart: Gotcha. Can't win, don't try.

Separate Vocations [3.18]

Lisa: Well, I'm going to be a famous jazz musician. I've got it all figured out. I'll be unappreciated in my own country, but my gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French. I'll avoid the horrors of drug abuse, but I do plan to have several torrid love affairs, and I may or may not die young. I haven't decided.

Bart: Seymour, I'll bet you a steak dinner those books are still here. All we have to do is search every locker.
Skinner: Oh, Bart, I'm not sure random locker searches are permitted by the Supreme Court.
Bart: Pfft! Supreme Court. What have they done for us lately?
Skinner: Let's move.

Dog of Death [3.19]

Chief Wiggum: No, you got the wrong number. This is nine-one... two.

Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns.
Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers: if I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?
Smithers: [pause] If you did it, Sir?

Colonel Homer [3.20]

Redneck #1: Hey you! Let's fight!
Redneck #2: Them's fightin' words!
[They fight.]

Homer: I can't get your song out of my mind. I haven't felt this way since "Funkytown!" Can I get a copy?
Lurleen: [pointing to her noggin] Sorry, Homer. All my songs are up here: "I'm Basting a Turkey With my Tears," "Don't Look Up my Dress Unless You Mean It," "I'm Sick of Your Lying Lips and False Teeth..."

Studio Manager: You know, this studio has a lot of history. Buddy Holly stood on that same spot in 1955 and said, "There is no way in hell I am recording in this dump!"

Marge: [after seeing Lurleen] I thought you said she was overweight.
Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen.

Black Widower [3.21]

Patty: You see, Aunt Selma has this crazy obsession with not dying alone. So, in desperation, she joined this prison pen-pal program. Her new sweetie's a jailbird.
Bart: Cool! He can teach us how to kill a man with a lunch tray.

Marge: Now, now, he's an ex-convict! He's paid his debt to society!
Patty: Then how come you're not using the good silverware?
Marge: I'm just not.

The Otto Show [3.22]

Marge: Why don't you go and live with your parents?
Otto: Oh, the admiral and I don't get along. Please let me stay here. I've got nowhere else to go!
Homer: Forget it. That line didn't work for my dad, and it's not gonna work for you.
Marge: Homer, I know we didn't ask for this, but doesn't the Bible say, "Whatever you do unto the least of these my brothers, that you do unto me?"
Homer: Yes, but doesn't the Bible also say, "Thou shalt not take moochers into thy...hut?"

Bart: What are you going to do, Otto?
Otto: Oh, don't worry. There's plenty of money out there for a guy who knows how to fake his own death.
Marge: Well, maybe you should take the driver's test again?
Otto: Oh, I can't pass that thing. I got a zero last time; this time I'm hung over!
Bart: You can do it, Otto. You're the coolest adult I've ever met.
Otto: Wow! I've never been called an adult before. I've been tried as one, but... I'll do it!

Bart's Friend Falls in Love [3.23]

[about his Magic Eight Ball]
Milhouse: You shake it up, and it tells the future!
Bart: Really? Will I pass my English test? [shakes the ball] "Outlook Not So Good." Wow, it does work!
Milhouse: Let me try. Will I get beat up today? [shakes the ball] "All Signs Point To Yes."
Nelson: That ball knows everything. [bashes Milhouse on the head.]

Lisa: Dad, do you know what today is?
Homer: The vernal equinox?
Lisa: No! It's been two weeks since you got that tape. Let's get you on the scale! [Homer gets on the scale] You've gained thirteen pounds.
Homer: Disingenuous mountebanks with their subliminal chicanery! A pox on them!

Brother Can You Spare Two Dimes? [3.24]

Bart: And now, the next event in our Living Room Olympics, the always controversial Couch Vault. [gruff voice] I do this for Stainmaster carpets, proud sponsor of the Living Room Olympics.
[To Olympics-knockoff music, Bart vaults over Homer's couch using a broom. But he doesn't make it, and causes the couch to collapse in several pieces, just as Homer walks in.]
Homer: What the hell are you kids-?! [sees the ruined couch] AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Oh, my beautiful couch! The seats! The arms! The dream is over! [to Bart and Lisa, angrily] All right, who did this?!
Bart: We were just sitting on the couch quietly chatting when we heard a creaking noise.
Lisa: We leapt off just in time to see it collapse. [puts her head on Bart's shoulder, as if in shock]
Bart: ["comforting" her] There, there. You're safe now, little sister.

[At Homer's hastily-concocted award ceremony]
Lisa: This show is the biggest farce I ever saw!
Bart: What about the Emmys?
Lisa: I stand corrected.

Season 4

Kamp Krusty [4.01]

Homer: Son. If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Quiet! They're gonna announce the lottery numbers.

Lisa: You're serving us gruel?
Dolph: Not quite. [pulls out a large drum of gruel with Krusty's face on the front] This is Krusty-Brand Imitation Gruel. Nine out of ten orphans can't tell the difference.

A Streetcar Named Marge [4.02]

Llewelyn Sinclair: I'm not an easy man to work for. While directing Hats Off to Chanukkah, I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth graders? The review "Play enjoyed by all"... [holds up an elementary school newspaper with said headline] speaks for itself.

Bart: Are there any jive talking robots in the play?
Marge: No.
Homer: Bart, don't ask stupid questions. Is there any frontal nudity?
Marge: No Homer.


Lionel Hutz: Lionel Hutz, attorney at law. I'm filing a class action suit against the director on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play. I also play Mitch.

Homer the Heretic [4.03]

Marge: Homer, don't make me chose between my man and my God, because you just can't win.
Homer: There you are. Always taking someone else's side; Flanders, the water department, God...

[God just appeared in Homer's dream ripping the roof off his house. Homer is surprised]
Homer: God?
God: [points finger at Homer] THOU HAST FORSAKEN MY CHURCH!
Homer: But Lord, I am not a bad man. I work hard and provide for the welfare of my family. So why should I be forced to spend half my Sunday listening about how I am going to Hell anyway?
God: You have a good point there. Sometimes, even I would rather be watching football. Does Saint Louis still have a team?
Homer: No. They moved to Phoenix.

Lisa the Beauty Queen [4.04]

Marge: Lisa, I know a song that will cheer you up. [sings] There once was an ugly duckling...
Lisa: [frowning] So you think I'm ugly?!
Marge: No, I meant you were one of the good-looking ducks [looks uncertain] that makes fun of the ugly one. Mmmm...

Kent Brockman: The father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson, filled out the pageant application incorrectly. In the area under "do not write in this space" he wrote "OK."

Treehouse of Horror III [4.05]

[Homer has agreed to purchase a Krusty doll for Bart's birthday at a creepy shop]
Shopkeeper: Take this object, but beware it carries a terrible curse!
Homer: [worried] Ooooh, that's bad.
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free Frogurt!
Homer: [relieved] That's good.
Shopkeeper: The Frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: [worried] That's bad.
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of topping!
Homer: [relieved] That's good.
Shopkeeper: The toppings contains Potassium Benzoate.
Homer: [stares]
Shopkeeper: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?

Mr. Burns: [about bringing Marge along on their voyage] What do you think, Smithers?
Smithers: I think women and seamen don't mix.
Mr. Burns: We know what you think.

Lisa: Thank God we didn't turn into a bunch of mindless zombies.
Bart: Shhh! TV!
[The family stare blankly at the television. A thud is heard, followed by a laugh track.]
Homer: Man... fall down. Funny.
Family: Mmmmmm...

Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie [4.06]

Marge: We're going to school for the Parent/Teacher meetings. We'll bring dinner home.
Lisa: What are you going to bring home?
Homer: Well it depends. If both of you have been good, pizza. If not then poison.
Lisa: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?
Bart: Poisoned pizza?
Homer: Oh no! I'm not making two stops.

Marge: Do you want your son to become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren wasn't a stripper!
Homer: Now who's being naïve?

Homer: Someday you'll thank me for this, son.
Bart: Not bloody likely.
Homer: No, it's true! When I was a boy, I wanted a catcher's mitt, but my Dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed and hit my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage!
Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?
Homer: I like stories!

Marge Gets a Job [4.07]

Smithers: This résumé is very impressive. Let me be the first to say Abibu gazini.
Marge: What?
Smithers: "Welcome aboard." I guess my Swahili's not as good as yours.

Mr Burns: Marge, I'm giving you a raise and a new office. Right next to mine! [laughs]
Smithers: But sir, that's my office!
Mr Burns: Don't worry Smithers, I'm putting you where the action is.
[At a men's restroom, Smithers is cleaning the urinals with a toothbrush.]
Smithers: Springtime fresh, winter white. What could be better?
[Homer bursts in and unzips his fly.]
Homer: Aw man, I really gotta....
Smithers: NOOOOOOOOO!

Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, you're in luck! You're sexual harassment case is just the thing I need to rebuild my shattered practice! (he produces a bottle from his desk) Care to join me in a belt of scotch?
Marge: It's 9:30 in the morning!
Lionel Hutz: Yeah, but I haven't slept in days. (he takes a generous swig) Last chance! (Homer and Marge don't respond. Hutz drains the bottle) Oh, yeah....

New Kid on the Block [4.08]

[Bart and Lisa are fighting while Homer is on the phone with a babysitter.]
Homer: [to Bart and Lisa] SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE MONSTERS! [to the phone] I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels.
[On the other end of the line...]
Woman: I'm sorry, this isn't Abby. This is her sister. I look after her now.
[Abby rocks in her chair and mumbles quietly to herself.]
Abby: No, Bart... put it down... put it down, Bart... put it down...

Homer: You see, son, a woman is a lot like... err... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds... they... make ice... uhhh... oh! Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! [drains his beer] But you can't stop at one, you wanna drink another woman! [runs to the fridge]
[Many beers later...]
Homer: (drunkenly) And I say, "Oh, yeah? Well if want that money, come and find it, 'cause I don't know where it is ya baloney! You make me wanna retch!" (He passes out)

Mr. Plow [4.09]

Homer: It may be on a lousy channel, but The Simpsons are on TV!

Homer: [angry] Mr. West, you said there was a a job for me.
Adam West: There was. When I called you, [camera zooms in dramatically] forty five minutes ago!
Barney: So long, Superman, your secret identity is safe with me.

Lisa's First Word [4.10]

Bart: What was my first word?
Marge: Hmmm...
[Flashback to baby Bart walking on his parents having sex]
Baby Bart: Ay caramba!
[Returns to present]
Marge: I don't think I remember.

Marge: I'm afraid we're gonna need a bigger house.
Homer: No, we won't. I got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's crib, and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21.
Marge: Won't that warp him?
Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank.
Homer: He became Francine back in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.

Homer's Triple Bypass [4.11]

Bart: Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV generation.
Lisa: We feel neither highs or lows.
Homer: Really? What's it like?
Lisa: Meh. [shrugs].

Homer: Don't worry Marge. America's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain... well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!

Krusty: Hey hey! [Goofy laugh]
Homer [Grunts in pain, clutching his chest.]
Krusty: Hey, what's the matter? Oh, right. My grotesque appearence!
Homer: Krusty, what are you doing here?
Krusty: Eh, it's part of my public service for my "Glug, glug, vroom, vroom, thump thump."
Homer: Well, I could use a laugh.
Krusty: Well, there's nothing funny about what you're about to go through. I know! [Takes off his shirt, revealing a pacemaker scar] I'm in the "Zipper Club" myself! [Lights a cigarette]
Homer: You seem pretty healthy.
Krusty: Yeah? Well I got news for ya: this ain't makeup!

Marge vs. the Monorail [4.12]

[Marge, suspicious of Lyle Lanley, decides to take a long drive to investigate, and recall thoughts aired during the town meeting]
Lyle Lanley: I have sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook...
Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
Homer: I call the big one Bitey.
[Marge arrives in North Haverbrook. She sees a sign that says "Welcome to North Haverbrook, Where the Monorail is King!" Marge sees decrepit houses, old rusted cars and tumbleweeds. Marge hardly sees any people save for a crazy old lady in a rocking chair on her front porch]
Old Lady: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
[Marge then goes to the town center to investigate the monorail, and is shocked to see a crumbling track and a wrecked monorail]
Woman: Go away, lady! There ain't no monorail here and there never was! [Woman slams her window shut, which reads "Monorail Café". A strange looking man approaches Marge, which startles her]
Sebastian Cobb: I am sorry, I should not have stalked you like that. My name is Sebastian Cobb. I was hired by Lyle Lanley to build this monorail. This is the monorail, one of the crappiest trains ever built. Lanley cuts corners like no fraud has ever done. The brakes were removed, the electrical system was gutted, and the celebrity for its maiden voyage was Gallagher!

Marge: How fast are they going?
Homer: Eeeeeyaaaaaaai! [super fast as monorail whizzes by platform]
Cobb: [looking at watch] Well, judging by your husband's cowardly scream, a hundred eighty miles an hour.

Selma's Choice [4.13]

Marge: The funeral is in Littleneck Falls. We'll have to go to Duff Gardens another day.
Lisa: I understand.
Bart: No use complaining about something you can't change.
Homer: But I wanna go to Duff Gardens. Right now!
Marge: Homer, quit pouting!
Homer: I'm not pouting! I'm mourning! ...Stupid dead woman.

(Two security guards come in, escorting Lisa, pale, edgy, and clad in only a towel)

Security Guard: We found this one swimming naked in the Fermentarium.
Lisa: I am the Lizard Queen!
[A man in a lab coat hands Selma a couple of pills.]
Man: Give her this... (a couple more pills) Then this... (a whole pocketful of pills) And then these.
Selma: Mmmm... thank you, doctor.
Man: Oh, I'm not a doctor.


Bart and Homer: On top of spaghetti all covered with cheese, I lost my poor meatball... Marge: If you dont mind, we're on our way to a funeral! Homer: Ding dong the witch is dead!


Patty: I can't believe Aunt Gladys is really gone. Selma: Her legend will live forever. Homer (in his head): Yeah legend of the dog-faced woman. Homer (out loud): He he he dog faced woman, oh that's good.

(after homer ends up in an alligator's mouth while doing a children's maze) Waitress: Another placemat, sir? Homer (very sophisticated while looking down his nose): Please.

Selma: How do you do it, Homer? Homer: Well, you take an ordinary bed sheet and tie it like this...

Brother from the Same Planet [4.14]

Pepi: Your son Bart sounds very bad.
Homer: Oh, he is.
[Fantasy sequence: Homer and Bart sit at the breakfast table.]
Homer: Son, I just want to say that I love you very much.
Bart: (picks up his grapefruit & hits Homer's face with it) SHADDUP!
[Back in reality.]
Homer: Mmmm.... grapefruit.

Kent Brockman: This just in, a fist-fight is in process in downtown Springfield. Initial reports indicate, and these are very preliminary, that one of the fighters is a giant lizard.
[shot of Godzilla appears in the background.]
Kent Brockman: Do we have a source on this? Uh-huh, a bunch of drunken frat boys. All right we could use some names. "I.P Freely." Uh... GRRR!


Homer: I love you pepsi. Pepi: pepi.

Homer: You've been out galavanting with that floosy of a big brother of yours... havent you, havent you... look at me!

I Love Lisa [4.15]

[Ralph is with his father at home, and wants to know how to get Lisa's attention. Chief Wiggum is breaking nuts out of their shells.]
Ralph: Dad, how do you get a girl to like you?
Chief Wiggum: Son, (cracks a nut with the butt of his revolver) whether you want to win a girl or crack a nut, the key is persistence; (cracks a nut) keep at it, and never lose your cool.
[Chief Wiggum tries to crack a third nut, but the shell doesn't break.]
Chief Wiggum: (losing patience) Ah, come on, you stupid...!
[Chief Wiggum loads his gun up and shoots the nut.]
Chief Wiggum: (angrily) Let that be a lesson to the rest of you... nuts!

[Chief Wiggum pulls Homer over]
Homer: Is there a problem, officer?
Chief Wiggum: Yep. Got a tail-light out.
Homer: Where?!
Chief Wiggum: [Smashing a tail-light] Right there.
Homer: [Angrily] You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops!
Chief Wiggum: [Alarmed] They are?! Oh no! Have they set a date?!

Duffless [4.16]

[at the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting]
Otto: My name is Ot-to. I love to get blot-to!
Hans Moleman: My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old!
Homer: My name is Homer and I'm just here because the Court made me come.
Lovejoy: Homer, with our help you´ll never touch a beer again.

[Homer screams and jumps through the window]


[Watching Ralph's "alcohol fueled Car" science fair display]
Homer: Hmm, alcohol fueled car....
[Within a thought, Homer is fueling an alcohol fueled car at a gas station]
Homer: One for you, [pumps fuel into car] one for me! [pumps fuel into his mouth] One for you, [pumps fuel into car] one for me! [pumps fuel into his mouth]

Last Exit to Springfield [4.17]

Dr. Wolfe: how often do you brush, Ralph?
Ralph: Three times a day, sir.
Dr. Wolfe: Why must you turn my office into a house of lies?
Ralph: You're right. I don't brush. [starts to cry] I don't brush!
Dr. Wolfe: Let's look at a picture book. The "Big Book of British Smiles."
[Dr. Wolfe takes out a book and shows Ralph page after page of decaying, rotten British smiles.]
Ralph: [crying] That's enough! That's enough.

Factory Worker: You can't treat the working man this way! One day, we'll form a union and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve! Then we'll go too far, and get corrupt and shiftless, and the Japanese will eat us alive!
Burns's Grandfather: The Japanese? Those sandal-wearing goldfish-tenders? Bosh! Flimshaw!
Mr. Burns: [to Smithers, in the present] If only we'd listened to that boy, instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven.

So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show [4.18]

[Just a moment before Homer opens the can of beer Bart had shaken up with a paint mixer.]
Bart: April f- (An explosion of beer blasts out of the windows and chimney of the Simpsons' house and takes the shape of a mushroom cloud.)
(Lou and Chief Wiggum stop the police car)
Lou: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.
Chief Wiggum: Forget it. That's two blocks away.
Lou: Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney.
(Wiggum gets out of the car)
Chief Wiggum: I am proceeding on foot. Call in a Code 8.
Lou: [into radio] We need pretzels. Repeat, pretzels.

Bart: Dad, it was my fault. I shook up that can of beer. I'm sorry.
[Life support machine starts to change from showing Homer's life signs to outlines of Bart. His mouth begins to form a growl, his fingers twitch and his eyes slowly open in anger]
Homer: WHY YOU LITTLE!!!! [Grabs Bart and proceeds to strangle him]

The Front [4.19]

Lisa: That's as bad as the tasteless "Itchy & Sambo" cartoons of the late thirties! The writers should be ashamed of themselves!
Bart: Cartoons have writers?
Lisa: Eh, sort of.

Lisa: (to Grampa) So, we wrote the cartoon, put your name on it and sent it in.
Bart: Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?
Grampa: I figured, cause the Democrats were in power again.

Whacking Day [4.20]

[Bart and the bullies make their way to Utility Basement B looking for Mountain Bikes.]
Nelson: Hey what gives? Where are the mountain bikes?
[Principal Skinner shows up.]
Skinner: Sorry about the ruse gentlemen. You're being swept under the rug for the superintendent's visit. Enjoy! [closes the door and locks them in.]
Jimbo: How are we going to get out of here?
Nelson: And when are we going to get our mountain bikes?

[Springfield residents track down the snakes to the Simpson place but Lisa wants a stop to the killing]
Lisa: Now wait a minute! How could you do this to snakes after all they've done for you?
Grandpa: I'm an old man. I hate everything but Matlock! Ooh, it's on now!
Lisa: Mrs Glick, who killed all the rats in your basement?
Mrs Glick: Snakes did.
Bart: And you love snakes, don't you Mr White?
Barry White: I love the sexy slither of a lady snake. Hooo baby.

Marge in Chains [4.21]

Ned: Oh, the network slogan is true! Watch Fox and be damned for all eternity!

Hutz: Your Honor, my client claims that she simply forgot she was carrying this bottle of... delicious bourbon... brownest of the brown liquors... so tempting... [puts the bottle to his ear] What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of a trial!

Krusty Gets Kancelled [4.22]

Krusty: Every time you watch my show, I'll send you $40! [holds up check to audience].
Man: [quick voice-over] Checks will not be honored.

Gabbo: Now it's time for another one of Gabbo's Crank Calls! Oh I love these!
Bart: I can't believe it. He stole this bit from Krusty.
Lisa: Yeah well Krusty stole it from Steve Allen.
Grandpa: Well everythings stolen nowadays. Why the fax machine is nothing but a waffle iron with a phone attached.

Season 5

Homer's Barbershop Quartet [5.01]

[at the Springfield Swap Meet]
Mayor Quimby: (sotto voice) Human roaches... feeding off each other's garbage. The only thing you can't buy here is dignity! (into the microphone) Welcome, swappers, to the Springfield Swap Meet. Ich bin ein Springfield Swap Meet patron! (sotto voice again) I need a drink and a shower...

[The Be Sharps are at the Grammys.]
Barney: David Crosby? You're my hero!
David Crosby: Oh, you like my music?
Barney: You're a musician?

Cape Feare [5.02]

Marge: Lisa, you got a letter.
Lisa: It's from my pen pal, Anya!
[As Lisa reads, the letter writer's voice can be heard in voice over.]
Anya: "Dear Lisa - as I write this, I am very sad. Our president has been overthrown and...
Gruff male voice: ...replaced by the benevolent General Krull. All hail Krull and his glorious new regime! Sincerely, Little Girl."

Wiggum: I'd like to help you ma'am, but, heh heh, I'm afraid there's no law against mailing threatening letters.
Marge: [indignantly] I'm pretty sure there is!
Wiggum: Hah! The day I take cop lessons from Ma Kettle...
Lou: Hey, she's right, Chief.
[Lou shows Chief Wiggum a book called "Springfield Law"]
Wiggum: Well, shut my mouth. It's also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling.
[Cut to Eddie with squirrels in his pants while the other cops watch and laugh, rolling dice]
Wiggum: Boys, knock it off!

Homer Goes to College [5.03]

[The plant melting down, Mr. Burns gets into escape pod and shuts Smithers out.]
Smithers: For the love of God, sir, there are two seats!
Burns: I like to put my feet up.

Nuclear Regulatory Commission agent: I'm still not sure how he caused the meltdown. There wasn't any nuclear material in the truck!!
Burns: Oh, very well, it's time for your bribe. Now, you can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing, or you can trade it all in for what's in this box.
Nuclear Regulatory Commission agent: The box! The box!

Mr. Burns: [to Homer] You must find the Jade Monkey before the next full moon.
Smithers: Actually, sir, we found the Jade monkey, it was in your glove compartment.
Burns: And the road maps, and ice scraper?
Smithers: They were in there too sir.
Burns: Excellent! It's all falling into place.

Rosebud [5.04]

Homer: [with a large bump on his head] Where did I lose them? I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again!
Lisa: I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.
Marge: Bart, run down to the store and get a bag of ice for your father.
Bart: Yes'm. Dad, I know you're discouraged but please don't deny the world your fat can.
Homer: Don't worry, boy. He'll be ready for your Aunt Selma's birthday.
Lisa: I knew it.

Smithers: Look at all the wonderful things you have, Mr. Burns: King Arthur's Excalibur, the only existing nude photo of Mark Twain, and that rare first draft of the Constitution with the word "suckers" in it.

Treehouse of Horror IV [5.05]

Lisa: Dad, Mr. Burns is a vampire, and he has Bart!
Mr. Burns: Why, Bart is right here!
Bart: (in monotone, looking unusually pale) Hello, mother. Hello, father. I missed you during my uneventful absence.
Homer: Oh Lisa, you and your stories! Bart is a vampire! Beer kills brain cells! Now let's go back to that... building... thingy... where our beds and TV... is.

Lisa: The only way to save Bart is to kill the head vampire, Mr. Burns!
Homer: Kill my boss?! Do I dare to live out the American dream?

Marge on the Lam [5.06]

Rescue Worker: Homer, there's no easy way to put this, but we're going to have to saw your arms off.
Homer: They'll grow back, right?
Rescue Worker: Oh... yeah.
Homer: Whew.

Bart: You're absolutely right, Homer. We don't need a babysitter!
Homer: [suspicious] Wait a second...
[Pulls a paper from his pocket: "Always do the opposite of what Bart says"]
Homer: Hmm...you kids do need a babysitter!
Bart: Blast that infernal card! [to Homer] Don't give that card to me.
Homer: Here you g- [pulls back] No!

Bart's Inner Child [5.07]

Troy McClure: Hi! I'm Troy McClure! You might remember me from such self-help videos as 'Smoke Yourself Thin' and 'Get Confident, Stupid!'

Brad Goodman: I want you all to close your eyes and listen to your inner child. Listen, what's he saying?
Ned's Inner Child: Stay on the course Big Ned, you're doin' super! [Ned smiles]
Homer's Inner Child: [points to his mouth] Food goes in here!
Homer: It sure does.
Moe's Inner Child: [in Italian accent] Hey-a Moe, what's-tha mattah? Ya no talkin' wit ya accent-a no more.
Moe: [slaps face] MAMMA-MIA!!

Boy-Scoutz N the Hood [5.08]

Homer: Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.

Milhouse: You're lucky. You only joined the Junior Campers. I got a dirty word shaved into the back of my head.
(Skinner walks by and stops when he sees the unseen "dirty word" in the back of Milhouse's head)
Principal Skinner: What is it with you kids and that word? (grabs Milhouse) I'm going to shave you bald, young man, until you learn that hair is not a right, it's a privilege!

The Last Temptation of Homer [5.09]

[Charlie is explaining to Mr Burns about the gas leak.]
Charlie: Well, sir, I won't bore you with the details of our miraculous escape, but we desperately need a real emergency exit!
Burns: Why, that's a fabulous idea. Anything else you'd like? How about real lead in the radiation shields? Urinal cakes, maybe? (hands Smithers a notebook) Smithers, throw this at him!
[Smithers throws the book at Charlie, and Burns presses a button. A tube covers Charlie and sucks him upwards.]
Burns: Smithers, where does that tube go?
Smithers: I'm not sure, sir; it was here when we first moved in.

Homer: Moe, I need advice. You see I have this friend called Joey Jojo...Junior...Shabadoo.
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
[A man in the bar leaves crying. Barney runs after him.]
Barney: Hey, Joey Jojo!

$pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling) [5.10]

Kent Brockman: Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the Unemployment Office, joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors... now at the risk of sounding unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all of this squarely on you (pointing at the camera) the viewers!

Lisa: Dad! You shouldn't wear glasses that weren't prescribed for you!
Homer: (looking at Bart) Lisa just because you're ten feet tall doesn't mean you can tell me what to do.

Homer the Vigilante [5.11]

Lisa: Bart's pain is funny, but mine isn't.

Kent Brockman: Hordes of panicky people seem to be evacuating the town for some unknown reason. Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?
Professor: Mmm, yes I would, Kent.

Bart Gets Famous [5.12]

[Marge convinces Bart to perform one more time.]
Bart: You're right, Mom. I shouldn't let this bother me. I'm in television now. It's my job to be repetitive. My job. My job. Repetitiveness is my job. (To Marge) I'm gonna go out there and give the best performance of my life!
Marge: The best performance of your life?
Bart: The best performance of my life!

Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catch-phrase.
Homer: (breaking a lamp) D'oh!
Bart: Ay, caramba!
Marge: (groans)
Maggie: (sucks her pacifier)
Flanders: Hi-dilly-ho!
Barney: (belches)
Nelson: Ha, ha!
Burns: Excellent!
[Long pause. Everyone looks expectantly at Lisa.]
Lisa: If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.
Homer: What kind of catch phrase is that!?

Homer and Apu [5.13]

Homer: Your old meat made me sick!
Apu: Oh I am so sorry. Please accept five pounds of frozen shrimp as an apology.
Homer: This shrimp isn't frozen! And it smells funny!
Apu: Okay, ten pounds.
Homer: Woo-hoo!

Homer: Life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish that Flanders was dead.

Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy [5.14]

Malibu Stacy Doll: Don't ask me. I'm just a girl! Tee-hee!
Bart: Right on! Say it, sister!
Lisa: This isn't funny, Bart! Millions of girls will grow up thinking that this is the right way to act - that they can never be more than vacuous ninnies whose only goal in life is to look pretty, land a rich husband and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous friends and talk about how damned terrific it is look pretty and have a rich husband!
Bart:...Just what I was gonna say!

[Smithers turns his computer on. A bitmapped Mr. Burns (shown naked from the shoulders up) appears]
Mr. Burns: [in stilted speech] Hello, Smithers. You're quite good at tur-ning me-on.
Smithers: [to Lisa] Um... you probably should ignore that.

[Lisa pressures Stacy Lovell about Malibu Stacy]
Stacy: I see exactly what you mean; this is a problem. But what do you expect me to do?
Lisa: Change what she says. It's your company.
Stacy: Not since I was forced out in 1974. They said my way of thinking just wasn't cost effective.
Lisa: [gasps] That's awful.
Stacy: Well, that — and I was funneling profits to the Viet Cong.

Deep Space Homer [5.15]

Stillwater: People, we're in danger of losing our funding. America isn't interested in space exploration anymore.
Babcock: Maybe we should finally tell them the big secret, that all the chimps we sent into space came back super intelligent.
(A chair swivels around, revealing a chimp in a suit, wearing glasses, and smoking a pipe.)
Chimp: (arrogant; English accent) No, I don't think we'll be telling them that.

Reporter: Uh, question for the barbecue chef: Don't you think there is an inherent danger in sending underqualified civilians into space?
Homer: I'll field this one. The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes.
(Homer thinks for a moment and realises something.)
Homer: Wait a minute, Statue of Liberty - that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

Homer Loves Flanders [5.16]

[Ned is driving Homer to the game, passing Lenny and Carl]
Homer:Oh no! (pushes Ned down) I can't let the boys see me with you.
Ned:What?
Homer: Hi. (the car goes past Lenny and Carl)
Lenny: Hey! Homer's got one of those robot cars.
[the car crashes offscreen]
Carl: One of those American robot cars.

[Mr. Burns talking to football players before the game]
Mr. Burns: Men, there's a little crippled boy sitting in a hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because.. I crippled him myself to inspire you.
[cuts to Milhouse lying in a hospital bed with a broken leg and his parents at his side]
Milhouse: I hope they win or Mr. Burns said he's coming back.
[Kirk and Luann look at each other worried]

Bart Gets an Elephant [5.17]

(Homer, Bart, and Lisa discuss their plans after breakfast)

Bart: After breakfast, me and Milhouse are goin' down to the ravine. We got a tip from a five-year-old that there's a dead Martian down there.
Lisa: And I'm going to jam with the Little White Girls Blues Quartet. (to Homer): Wanna come with me, Daddy-o?
Homer: Sorry, honey. I'd love to, but Daddy has to go to a beer-drinking contest.
Bart: Think you'll win?
Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get.

Lisa: Dad, you can't sell Stampy to him, I'm pretty sure he's an ivory dealer, his boots are ivory, his hat is ivory, his pen is ivory and I'm pretty sure that cheque is ivory!
Homer: Lisa, a guy who's got lots of ivory is less likely to hurt Stampy than a guy whose ivory supplies are low.

Burns' Heir [5.18]

Smithers: Oh my god, Mr. Burns is dead! (Starts crying) Why do the good have to die so young?

Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?

Sweet Seymour Skinner's Badasssss Song [5.19]

Chalmers: Seymour, you're fired.
Skinner: Did you just call me a liar?
Chalmers: No, I said you were fired.
Skinner: Oh, that's much worse.

Bart: Come on, Chalmie, you fired Skinner for less than this.
Chalmers: Yeah, I did, but... Skinner really bugged me! Besides, the way America's public schools are sliding, they'll all be this way in a few months. I say, lay back and enjoy it! It's a hell of a toboggan ride.
Ned: (over PA) Well, cockly-doodly-doo, little buddies. Let's thank the Lord for another beautiful school day.
Chalmers: Thank the Lor - thank the Lord? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer. A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion. Simpson, you get your wish: Flanders is history!

The Boy Who Knew Too Much [5.20]

Homer: [lowering a table out of the window then drops it] Got it, Barn?
Barney: [offscreen, below hotel] Got what? [table drops on his head] Ow!
Skinner: You're stealing a table?
Homer: I'm not stealing it. Hotels expect you to take a few things. It's a souvenir!
Skinner: Ah... Is that my necktie you're wearing?
Homer: Souvenir.

Bart: Mom, what if there's a really bad, crummy guy who's going to jail, but I know he's innocent?
Marge: Well Bart, your Uncle Arthur used to have a saying: "Shoot 'em all and let God sort them out." Unfortunately, one day he put his theory into practice. It took seventy-five Federal Marshals to bring him down. Now let's never speak of this again.
Bart: Mom, what if I can get this guy off the hook? Should I do it?
Marge: Honey, you should listen to your heart and not the voices in your head like a certain uncle did one grey December morn.

Lady Bouvier's Lover [5.21]

Marge: Homer! You didn't do a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake!
[The cake reads, "Happy Birthday Magaggie."]
Homer: What? It's not Magaggie's birthday?

Homer: If he marries your mother, Marge, we'll be brother and sister. And then our kids... they'll be horrible freaks with pink skin, no overbites, and five fingers on each hand!
[Homer imagines the freakish kids]
Homer: Aaah!

Secrets of a Successful Marriage [5.22]

[Homer and Marge are discussing ways for Homer to better himself]
Homer: Oh... and how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk.
Homer: And how.

Rev. and Mrs. Lovejoy are talking to Marge
Rev. Lovejoy: Get a divorce.
Helen Lovejoy: Mmm-hmm.
Marge: But isn't that a sin?
Rev. Lovejoy: Marge, just about everything is a sin. [Holds up a Bible] You ever sat down and read this thing? Technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom.

Season 6

Bart of Darkness [6.01]

(after hearing a woman scream from inside Flanders's house, Bart looks outside and sees him digging a hole in his yard)
Bart: This can't be what it looks like. There's gotta be some other explanation!
Ned Flanders: I wish there was some other explanation for this. But there isn't. I'm a murderer, I'm a murderer!
Bart: Then that's not the real Ned Flanders.
Ned Flanders: I'm a mur-diddly-urdler!
Bart: If that's not Flanders, he's done his homework.

Automated phone: Hello, and welcome to the Springfield Police Department "Rescue Phone"! If you know the name of the felony being committed, press one. To choose from a list of felonies, press two. If you are being murdered, or are calling from a rotary phone, please stay on the line.
[Bart presses four numbers on the phone]
Automated phone: You have selected "regicide!" If you know the name of the King or Queen being murdered, press one.
[Bart hangs up]

Lisa's Rival [6.02]

Homer: (spoken with strong Cuban accent) In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.

Homer: And you said I wouldn't make any money! I found a dollar while waiting for the bus!
Marge: While you were out "earning" that dollar, you lost $80 by not going into work today. The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!

Marge: Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?
Homer: Never, Marge. Never. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called ‘City Fathers’ who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"

Another Simpsons Clip Show [6.03]

Bart and Lisa are watching Itchy and Scratchy. Marge enters (in reused footage from earlier episode)
Marge: How many times can you laugh at that cat getting hit by the moon?
Bart: It's a new episode.
Lisa: Not exactly. They pieced it together from old shows, but it seems new to the trusting eyes of impressionable youth.
Bart: (switches to new footage) Really?
Lisa: Ren & Stimpy do it all the time.
Marge: Yes, they do, but when was the last time you heard anyone talk about Ren and Stimpy?

Lisa: Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired by Hallmark and Disney in a hostile takeover, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.

Itchy & Scratchy Land [6.04]

Lisa: Dad! Remember when we asked you if we could go to Itchy & Scratchy Land and you said it'd be too damned expensive?
Homer: Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Look at this Bible I just bought, fifteen bucks! And talk about a preachy book, everyone's a sinner. Except for this guy.

[Lisa bursts into Marge and Homer's bedroom, dragging an unconscious Bart in a wheelbarrow behind her.]
Lisa: Mom! Dad! Bart's dead!
[Marge and Homer sit up and gasp. Bart sits up in the wheelbarrow.]
Bart: That's right! "Dead" serious about going to Itchy & Scratchy Land!

Homer: Ah, the Interstate. Fasten your seat belts, kids: we're on our way to Itchy and Scratchy Land!
[Pulls up to highway... which is gridlocked]
Everyone: D'oh!
Homer: Don't worry, I've got an ace up my sleeve.
[honks horn]

Sideshow Bob Roberts [6.05]

Sideshow Bob: I'm in jail for a crime I didn't even commit. Ha! "Attempted murder?" I mean, what is that? Do they give out a Nobel Prize for "attempted chemistry"? [someone throws a toilet that nearly hits Bob] Oh, really now! This is a personal call!

Lisa: This is hopeless. They're gonna demolish our house for sure. We're gonna have to move into a Motel 6.
Bart: But Dad can't afford six dollars a night!

Bart's Girlfriend [6.06]

[Bart walks past the kitchen table with Snowball II stuck to his back.]
Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart?
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: No... he looks like something might be disturbing him.
Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.
Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.
Marge: That's not what I meant.
Homer: It was, Marge, admit it.

Bart's Brain: Now, just relax. For once, you didn't do anything wrong. Just explain yourself and everyone will understand.
Bart: I --
Helen Lovejoy: -- took the money? Yes, we know.
Moe: He confessed!
Bart: O-K!
[Jumps out the window]

Treehouse of Horror V [6.07]

[Marge discovers that Homer has written "No Beer and No TV Make Homer Go Crazy" all over the house]
Homer: What do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I'm thinking of calling it "No Beer and No TV Make Homer... something something".
Marge: [fearfully] Go crazy?
Homer: DON'T MIND IF I DO!!

[Homer chops through a door with an axe]
Homer: Here's Johnny! [notices the room is empty] D'oh! [chops through a different door] Daaaavid Lettermaaan! [sees grandpa]
Abe: Hi David, I'm Grandpa.
Homer: D'oh!
[Homer chops through a different door with a ticking clock in hand]
Homer: I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Morley Safer, and I'm Ed Bradley! All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!!
Family: AAAAAAAHHH!!

Lisa on Ice [6.08]

Homer: Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot-oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such-and-such.

[Lisa scores a point]
Homer: I love Lisa!
[Bart scores a point]
Homer: I mean, I love Bart!
[Marge arrives with a tray of beers]
Homer: Beer! Oh, Marge, I love you!

Homer: Bad Man [6.09]

TV announcer: "Tonight on FOX, Homer Simpson, Portrait of an Assgrabber," starring Dennis Franz.
Homer: Ooh, "Portrait," sounds classy!
[On TV, a car drives erratically down the street. A crazed Dennis Franz is behind the wheel. He is about to drive over a cat.]
Ashley: No, Mr. Simpson! A cat is a living creature!
Dennis Franz as Homer: I don't care!
[He hits the cat, who screeches loudly. He stops the car and eyes Ashley lustfully.]'
Dennis Franz as Homer: Now I'm gonna grab me some sweet!
Ashley: Mr. Simpson, that's sexual harassment! If you keep it up, I'll scream so loud the whole country will hear!
Dennis Franz as Homer: With a man in the White House? Not likely! Scream as loud as you want, baby!

Homer: Marge, kids. everything's gonna be just fine. Now go up stairs pack your bags, we're gonna start a new life... under the sea. (sighs)
[Fantasy based on the "Under the Sea" number from "The Little Mermaid."]
Homer: [singing] Under the sea! Under the sea! (eats three fish) there'll be no accusations, just friendly crustaceans under the sea!
(Seahorses swim inside his mouth. Homer then eats a lobster, two dancing slugs, a snail. He ends the fantasy surrounded by several fish skeletons. Back to reality...)
Marge: Homer, that's your solution to everything: move under the sea. It's not gonna happen!
Homer: Not with that attitude!

Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy [6.10]

Lisa: I found the new Al Gore book.
Marge: "Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow."
Lisa: Yeah, I hope it's as exciting as his other book, "Rational Thinking, Reasonable Future".

Grampa: Here you go, ya ingrate! Think of me when you're havin' the best sex of your life!

Fear of Flying [6.11]

(Shown walking up to a bar called The Little Black Box)
Homer: The last bar in Springfield. If they don't let me in here, I'm gonna have to quit drinking.
Homer's Liver: Yay!
Homer: Shut up, liver!
(Homer punches his liver)
Homer: Ow! My liver hurts!

Airport Worker: We need a pilot, pronto! Who wants to fly to the Windy City?
(all of the pilots stand up, trying to get his attention)
Airport Worker: Conditions are a little windy!
(all of the pilots who stood up sit down, leaving Homer standing)
Airport Worker: You! (points at Homer)
Homer: Me? But I...
Airport Worker: Hey! You're not just impersonating a pilot so you can drink here, are you?
Homer: Yeah. That's exactly why I'm here.
Airport Worker: (laughs) You flyboys, you crack me up!
(cuts to the cockpit of a plane)
Homer: But I keep telling you, I'm not a pilot!
Airport Worker: And I keep telling you, you flyboys crack me up!
(forces Homer into room)

Homer the Great [6.12]

Homer: I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.

[Stonecutter's Song]

Who controls the British Crown?
Who keeps the metric system down?
We do, we do!
Who keeps Atlantis off the maps?
Who keeps the Martians under wraps?
[Shows martian singing]We do, we do!
Who holds back the electric car?
Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star?
We do, we do!
Who robs cave fish of their sight?
Who rigs every Oscar night?
We do, we do!

And Maggie Makes Three [6.13]

[Homer quits the power plant, grabbing Mr. Burns and playing his bald head like a bongo drum.]
Mr. Burns: I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage... and island rhythms.

At the hospital, Mayor Quimby holds a newborn child in his arms while the mother (a young woman) rests.
Quimby: This is incredible. It's God's most wondrous miracle.
Nurse: Sir, I think your wife wants to hold the baby.
Quimby: My wife? Where? Where?! [runs off in a panic]

[Homer holds Maggie for the first time.]
Homer: Awww, it's a boy! (Looking down) And what a boy!
Dr. Hibbert: Mr. Simpson, that's the umbilical cord. It's a girl!

Bart's Comet [6.14]

Arnie: With our utter annihilation imminent, our federal government has snapped into action. We go live now via satellite to the floor of the United States congress.
Speaker: Then it is unanimous, we are going to approve the bill to evacuate the town of Springfield in the great state of-
Congressman: Wait a second, I want to tack on a rider to that bill - $30 million of taxpayer money to support the perverted arts.
Speaker: All in favor of the amended Springfield-slash-pervert bill?
[entire congress boos]
Speaker: Bill defeated!
Kent Brockman: I've said it before and I'll say it again: democracy simply doesn't work.

As the comet approaches Springfield, it starts to shrink smaller and smaller, breaking apart until it is a mere pebble; thus causing no damage to Springfield
Lisa: I can't believe that extra-thick layer of pollution that I've actually picketed against burned up the comet.
Bart: But what's really amazing is that this is exactly what dad said would happen.
Lisa: Yeah, dad was right.
Homer: I know, kids. I'm scared too!

Homie the Clown [6.15]

[Lisa and Bart watch as Krusty does his "Loop-de-Loop Bike Eating" trick]
Lisa: When Krusty wants to, he can still blow 'em away!
Bart: He can take a simple, every day thing like eating a bicycle, and make it funny.

Homer has been abducted by the Springfield mafia on the mistaken basis he is Krusty, who owes debts
Homer: But wait, you can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him! I'm Homer Simpson!
Fat Tony: The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through our club?
Homer: Uh... actually my name is Barney. Yeah, Barney Gumble!
Legs: The same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister?
Homer: Uh... actually my real name is uh... think Krusty, think... Joe Valachi!
Louie: The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee about organized crime?
Homer: Benedict Arnold!
Fat Tony: The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British?
Homer: D'oh!

Bart vs. Australia [6.16]

Australian man: You call that a knife? This is a knife!
Bart: That's not a knife. That's a spoon.
Australian man: All right, all right, you win. Heh. I see you've played knifey-spooney before.

[As the family leaves the compound, they pass a sign reading "You are now entering Australia."]
Bart: Hey, G.I.Joe: your sign's broken. We're already in Australia.
Marine: Actually, Sir, the embassy is considered American soil, Sir!
Homer: Really? Look, boy, now I'm in Australia...[hops over the line]...Now I'm in America...Australia! America!
Bart: I get it, Dad.
Homer: Australia! America!
Marge: Homer, that's enough!
Homer: Australia! America!
[The Marine decks Homer, knocking him down.]
Marine: Here in America, we don't tolerate that kind of crap, Sir!

Homer vs. Patty & Selma [6.17]

Stockbroker: Homer, you knuckle-beak! I told you a hundred times to sell your pumpkin futures before Halloween! Before!
Homer: All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money back by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one!

Patty: When are you going to wake up and smell your husband, Marge?
Selma: Granted, you got some kids out of him. But when the seeds have been planted, you throw away the envelope!

A Star is Burns [6.18]

[Two women are watching Barney's film about his alcoholism.]
Woman: It's brilliant. Savagely honest, tender, he has the soul of a poet.
Barney: You're very kind.
Woman: Excuse me, did something crawl down your throat and die?
Barney: It didn't die!

[In Barney's film...]
Barney: My name's Barney, and I'm an alcoholic.
[Camera pulls out to reveal that Barney is surrounded by little girls in scout uniforms, one of whom is Lisa.]
Lisa: Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting.
Barney: Is it, or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem?

Lisa's Wedding [6.19]

Marge: Remember, in England, an elevator is called a lift, a mile is called a kilometer, and botulism is called steak and kidney pie.

Homer: I've got to call everyone and tell them the good news! [picks up the receiver, but gets a busy signal] What the... ? Maggie, I need to use the phone! [upstairs, Maggie rolls her eyes and hangs up] Doesn't that girl ever shut up?

Two Dozen and One Greyhounds [6.20]

Homer: Aww, so that's wrong with the poor fella. He misses casual sex!

(Mr. Burn's Song)

Some men hunt for sport
others hunt for food
The only thing I'm hunting for...
is an outfit that looks good
See my vest, see my vest
made from real gorilla chest
See this sweater? There's no better
than authentic Irish Setter
See this hat? 'Twas my cat
My evening wear vampire bat
These white slippers are albino
african endangered rhino
Grizzle-bear underwear
turtle's necks I've got my share
Beret of poodle on my noodle it shall rest
Try my red robin suit
It comes one breast or two
See my vest, see my vest
See my vest!!
Like my loafers? Former gophers
It was that or skin my chauffeurs
But a greyhound-fur tuxedo would be best
So, let's prepare these dogs
(Old Woman) Kill two for matching clogs!
See my vest... See my vest!
Oh please, won't you see my vest!!

The PTA Disbands! [6.21]

Bart: Krabappel said you would give the teachers anything they wanted.
Principal Skinner: She did?
Bart: Yeah. She said you would fold faster than Superman on laundry day.

Homer: Lousy teachers, trying to pawn off our kids on us!
Lisa: But, Dad, by striking they're trying to effect a change in management so that they can be happier and more productive.
Homer: Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike: you just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

'Round Springfield [6.22]

[Bart makes his way to the nurse's office and finds Lunchlady Doris picking tounge depressors off the floor.]
Bart: Lunchlady Doris? What are you doing here?
Lunchlady Doris: Budget cuts. They've even got Groundskeeper Willie teaching French.
[Cut to Groundskeeper Willie in French class with a beret on.]
Groundskeeper Willie Bun-jerrr, you cheese-eatin' surrender monkeys!

[Lisa finds a copy of "Sax on the Beach" at the comic book store. It's $250.]
Lisa: Two-hundred and fifty dollars? But I need that record to honor Bleeding Gums's memory!
Comic Book Guy: He's dead? Well why didn't you say so?
[Comic Book Guy marks out the $250 price tag and writes $500 in its place.]

The Springfield Connection [6.23]

Homer: When Marge first told me she was going to the police academy, I thought it'd be fun and exciting, you know, like that movie... Spaceballs. But instead it's been painful and disturbing like that movie Police Academy.

(Marge is on the shooting range shooting cardboard cutouts of criminals and not shooting at civilians)

Chief Wiggum: You missed the baby, the blind guy...

Lemon of Troy [6.24]

Bart: Hey, quit sayin' bad stuff about my town, man!
Shelby: Why don't you make me?
Bart: I don't make trash, I burn it.
Shelby: Then I guess you're a garbage man.
Bart: I know you are, but what am I?
Shelby: A garbage man.
Bart: I know you are, but what am I?
Shelby: A garbage man.
Bart: I know you are, but what am I?
Shelby: A garbage man.
Bart: Takes one to know one!
Database: CHECK MATE!

Bart: That tree is a part of our history and, as kids, the backbone of our economy! We'll get it back or choke their rivers with our dead!!

Bart: Oh, it's no use. I'm never going to find that tree. This whole raid was as useless as that yellow, lemon-shaped rock over there. Wait a minute...there's a lemon behind that rock!

Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part One) [6.25]

Mr. Burns: Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun. I will do the next best thing: block it out!
[He presses yet another button, raising a shield over the model town which blots out the sunlight.]
Smithers: [horrified] Good God!
Mr. Burns: Imagine it, Smithers: electrical lights and heaters running all day long!
Smithers: But sir! Every plant and tree will die! Owls will deafen us with incessant hooting! The town's sundial will be useless! I don't want any part of this project, it's unconscionably fiendish.
Mr. Burns: [gasps] I will not tolerate this insubordination! There has been a shocking decline in the quantity *and* quality of your toadying, Waylon - and you will fall into line *now!*
Smithers: ...No. No Monty, I won't! Not until you step back from the brink of insanity!
Mr. Burns: I'll do no such thing! You're fired!
[Smithers leaves, dejected. Mr. Burns laughs evilly to himself and stomps through the scale model of the town like a giant monster.]
Mr. Burns: Take that, Bowlarama! Take that, Convinience Mart! Take that, Nuclear Power Pl......oh, fiddlesticks!

Bart: [finding a gun while helping Grandpa unpack] Wow!
Grandpa: That's my old Smith and Wesson. If you're gonna play with it, be careful, 'cause its loaded--
Marge: [walking in] Aah! Bart, put that down! Guns are very dangerous and I won't have them in this house! [takes it away]
Grandpa: How can you have a house without a gun?! What if a bear came through that door?!
Marge: I'm going to bury it in the yard where little hands can't get to it. [walks out]
Grandpa: [to Bart] Geesh! You should have fired into the air. She would have run off!

Season 7

Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part Two) [7.01]

[Eddie and Lou interrogate Moe with a lie detector.]
Eddie: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No. (buzz, red light) All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him! (ding, green light)
Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. (buzz) A date. (buzz) Dinner with friends. (buzz) Dinner alone. (buzz) Watching TV alone. (buzz) All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalogue! (buzz) Sears catalogue. (ding) Now, would you unhook this already?! I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! (buzz)

Mr Burns: Officers, arrest the baby!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, right, pops. No jury in the world is gonna convict a baby. Hmm... maybe Texas.

Radioactive Man [7.02]

[Hollywood. Executive producer is looking through Variety magazine to scout out a potential location to film the Radioactive Man movie. He sees full page colorful ads that say "Film New York", "Film Utah" and "Film Texas" before coming to a small section that says "Flim Springfield"]
Executive producer: All right. This town must be hot. They do not need a large ad or even correct spelling! (buzzes his secretary) Get me two tickets for whatever state Springfield is in!

Bart: George Burns was right. Show business is a hideous bitch goddess.
Lisa: Cheer up, Bart. Milhouse is still going to need a true friend, someone to tell him he's great. Someone to rub lotion on him. Someone he can hurl whiskey bottles at when he's feeling low.
Bart: You're right, Lis! I can suck up to him! Like the religious people suck up to God!

Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily [7.03]

[The social worker looks at Maggie, who is wearing the "I'm a stupid baby" sign Bart originally put on Lisa)
Child-Welfare Officer #1: STUPID babies need the most attention!

Homer: Okay, don't panic! To find Flanders, you just have to think like Flanders...
Homer's brain: I'm a big four-eyed lame-o and I wear the same stupid sweater everyday and-
Homer: The Springfield River!

Bart: Wow, Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel?

Homer: Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.

Ned: Wait! Homer, what did you just say?

Homer: I said shut your ugly face, Flanders!

Bart Sells His Soul [7.04]

Reverend Lovejoy: I know one of you is responsible for this, so repeat after me: If I withhold the truth may I go straight to Hell, where I will eat naught but burning hot coals and drink naught but burning hot cola...
Ralph Wiggum: [scared] Where fiery demons will punch me in the back...
Bart: [nonchalant] Where my soul will be chopped into confetti and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers...
Milhouse: [clearly nervous] Where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds...
[A raven outside crows menacingly.]
Milhouse: Bart did it! That Bart, right there!
Bart: [angry] Milhouse!
Reverend Lovejoy: Milhouse, you did the right thing. Bart, come with me for punishment. [grabs Bart, then reaches back for Milhouse] You too, snitchy.

[Bart and Milhouse clean the church organ as punishment.]
Bart: You shank! How could you squeal on me?!
Milhouse: Sorry Bart, but I don't want hungry birds pecking at my soul forever.
Bart: "Soul?" Come on Milhouse, there's no such thing as a soul. It's just something made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson!
Milhouse: But every religion says there's a soul, Bart. Why would they lie? What would they have to gain?
[Cut to Rev. Lovejoy putting the money from the collection plate into a coin counter.]
Rev. Lovejoy: I don't hear scrubbing!

Lisa the Vegetarian [7.05]

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh, heh, heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

[In Apu's garden]

Apu: ...it's like Paul's song, "Live and Let Live".
Paul McCartney: Actually, it was "Live and Let Die".
Apu: Whatever, whatever. It had a good rhythm!

Treehouse of Horror VI [7.06]

Lisa: Do you understand what this means, Bart? The next time we fall asleep, we could die!
Grandpa: Eh, welcome to my world! (falls asleep)

Homer's Brain: (as he enters the 3rd dimension) Oh, glory of glories! Oh, heavenly testament to the eternal majesty of God's creation!
Homer: Holy macaroni!

King-Size Homer [7.07]

[Mister Burns is directing the plant employees at aerobics.]
Montgomery Burns: Raise your left hock, aerate! Raise your right hock, aerate! Come on people! I want to see more Teddy Roosevelts and less Franklin Roosevelts!

[Last lines of episode]
Montgomery Burns: Homer, your quick-thinking and bravery have turned a potential Chernobyl into a mere Three Mile Island. Bravo!
Lisa: I still consider it ironic that Dad's girth saved the day, while a slimmer man would have falled to his death.
Bart: And I consider it ironic that, for once, Dad's butt actually prevented the release of toxic ga...
Marge: BART!
Montgomery Burns: Now Homer, if there is anything else I can do for you, please let me know.
[Homer looks at his family, and realizes his obesity is making life hard for them.]
Homer: Can you please make me thin again?
Montgomery Burns: I guarantee it!
[Nighttime. Homer and Burns are now the only ones at plant. Burns is frustrated by Homer's girth and straining himself to do situps.]
Montgomery Burns: One. One. ONE!
[Burns throws down his megaphone in frustration]
Montgomery Burns: Bah! I'll just pay for the blasted liposuction!
Homer: WOO-HOO!

Mother Simpson [7.08]

Newspaper headline: LOCAL MAN LOSES PANTS, LIFE

[Homer clears the moss away from the headstone of what he thinks is his mother's grave.]
Homer: I'm sorry I never visit, Mom! I'm just not a cemetery person. (reads tombstone engraving): "Here...lies..."
[He clears the last of the moss away. The name on the stone is Walt Whitman. Homer is enraged.]
Homer: WALT WHITMAN?! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! DAMN YOU, WALT WHITMAN! (kicking the stone) I-HATE-YOU-WALT-FREAKING-WHITMAN! "Leaves of Grass," my ass!

Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming [7.09]

Airman: And at this point in time, I would like to direct your attention to the particular air-vehicle next to which I am currently standing: the Harrier jet, one of our more dollar-intensive ordnance loadery vectors.
Marge: Five tires? Am I seeing things?
Airman: Although it looks very complicated, I assure you, it is so well designed that even a child could fly it.
Lisa: Can I fly it?
Airman: Of course you cannot.

[Bart and Grandpa come across the Wright Brothers' airplane.]
Bart: Look at that hunk of junk!
Grandpa: (sputters) You're ignorant! That's the Wright Brothers' plane! In Kitty Hawk in 1903, Charles Lindbergh flew it 15 miles on a thimble full of corn oil. Single-handedly won us the Civil War, it did!
Bart: How do you know so much about history, Grandpa?
Grandpa: I pieced it together, mostly from sugar packets!

The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular [7.10]

(deleted scene from Treehouse of Horror IV)
Bart: I'd sell my soul for a formula one racing car.
[Devil Flanders appears with a formula one racing car]
Devil Flanders: Heh, heh, heh, that can be arranged.
Bart: Changed my mind. Sorry.
[Devil Flanders vanishes]
Marge: Bart, stop pestering Satan!

{One of the false endings to Who Shot Mister Burns?}
Lisa: And, with your remaining energy, you pointed to W and S on the sundial. Waylon Smithers!
{People gasp upon seeing Smithers is the one who shot Mister Burns}
Montgomery Burns: Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I am giving you a 5% pay cut!
Waylon Smithers: Aww!
Troy McClure: But in order for that ending to work, you would have to ignore all the Simpson DNA evidence, and that would be downright nutty!

Marge Be Not Proud [7.11]

[As Bart contemplates stealing a copy of "Bonestorm," he imagines several video game characters talking to him.]
Luigi: Go ahead, Bart. Take-a the "Bonestorm!"
Mario: The store, she's so rich! She'll-a never notice!
Donkey Kong: Duh, it's the company's fault for making you want it so much!
Lee Carvello: Don't do it, son. How's that game gonna help your putting?
Sonic the Hedgehog: Just take it! Takeit-takeit-takeit-takeit-takeit! TAKE IT!

[Bart sees a sign saying "Bonestorm - 99 cents." He rushes inside.]
Bart: I'd like to buy a copy of "Bonestorm." Here's 99 cents.
Comic Book Guy: (sighs) Allow me to summarize the proposed transaction. You wish to purchase "Bonestorm" for 99 cents. Net profit to me: negative 59 dollars. [opens the cash register] Please take my 59 dollars, I don't want it. [Bart reaches forward to take the cash.]Uh uh - Seeing as you are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I shall close the cash register at this point, and state that 99 cents is the rental price.
Bart Then may I please rent it, please???
Comic Book Guy No you may not, I am all out, though I do have a surprising abundance of "Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge."

Team Homer [7.12]

Moe: You go through life, you try to resist the urge to punch people in the face, and for what? For some pimply little puke to treat you like dirt! Well, I'm better than dirt! Well... most kinds of dirt. I mean, not that fancy store-bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. I... I can't compete with that stuff.

Bart: Mom, my slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck!
Marge: Bart! Where do you pick up words like that?
Homer: [on phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Marge: Homerrr!
Homer: Aw, I gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening. (hangs up)
Lisa: We are not wieners!
Homer: Then why are you dressed like that for?
Bart and Lisa: (in unison) They made us!

Two Bad Neighbors [7.13]

George Bush: If he thinks George Bush won't go into the sewer, well then he doesn't know George Bush.

Grandpa: Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by Presidents till the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions.

Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield [7.14]

Homer: Look at these low, low prices on famous brand-name electronics!
Bart: Don't be a sap, Dad. These are just crappy knock-offs!
Homer: Pfft! I know a genuine Panaphonics when I see one! And look, there's Magnetbox and Sorny!

{Homer has taken up golf as a hobby and is practicing hitting golf balls into the commodes in the men's room at the nuclear plant, which is clandestinely being observed by Mr. Burns and Mr. Smithers on their surveillance cameras}
Montgomery Burns: Smithers, who is that lavatory linksman?
Waylon Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. From Sector 7-G.
Montgomery Burns: Simpson, eh? Well, invite him to the country club. I believe I finally may have a challenge in golf. I have not lost a game since I let Richard Nixon win during his beleaguered second term.
Waylon Smithers: That was very thoughtful of you, sir.
Montgomery Burns: Oh, he just looked so forlorn, Smithers, with his (imitating Nixon) "Ohhh, I can't go to prison, Monty. They'll eat me alive! {normal voice} Say, I wonder if this Homer Nixon is of any relation?
Waylon Smithers: Unlikely sir, as they spell and pronounce their names differently.

Bart the Fink [7.15]

Cayman Islands Offshore Holding Corporation Manager: (chuckles) Oh, I'm sorry. But I can't divulge any information about that customer's secret, illegal account. (hangs up phone) ...Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said he was a customer... oh, crap. I shouldn't have said it was a secret... oh, crap! I certainly shouldn't have said it was illegal...! (sits back, fanning himself) Ah, it's too hot today.

{Krusty is being audited by the IRS}
Krusty: But I can't go to jail! I got a swanky lifestyle! I'm used to the best!
IRS Agent #1: Krusty, this is America. We don't send our celebrities to jail. We'll just garnish your salary.
Krusty: Garnish my celery?
IRS Agent #2: Krusty please, no jokes.
Krusty: Who's joking? Oh, it all sounds crazy to me!
IRS Agent #1: It simply means we will be taking part of your salary until the debt is repaid. Let's say, 75% for the next 40 years.
Krusty: But I don't plan to live that long!
IRS Agent #2: Better make it 95%.

Lisa the Iconoclast [7.16]

Edna Krabappel: "Embiggens"? I never heard that word before I came to Springfield.
Miss Hoover: I don't know why. It's a perfectly cromulent word.

Homer: [ringing bell] Hear ye, hear ye! Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all! Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world!
Chief Wiggum: My God, he is fabulous!
Principal Skinner: He's embiggened that role with his cromulent performance.

Homer the Smithers [7.17]

Homer: Here are your messages: "You have 30 minutes to move your car," "You have 10 minutes," "Your car has been impounded," "Your car has been crushed into a cube," "You have 30 minutes to move your cube."
[phone rings]
Homer: [answering] Yello, Mr. Burns's office.
Burns: Is it about my cube?

Smithers: So, Mister Burns can now do all his work for himself, but I will wager you dollars to donuts he can't handle a call from his mother!
Homer: Mister Burns' mother is still alive?
Smithers: They haven't spoken in 50 years. He never forgave her for that affair with President Taft!
Homer: (chuckling) Taft, you old dog!

The Day the Violence Died [7.18]

Chester: He didn't create Itchy: I did.
Bart: Huh?
Chester: He stole the character from me in 1928. When I complained, his thugs kicked me out of his office, and dropped an anvil on me. Luckily, I was carrying an umbrella at the time.

[watching "Amendment To Be", which has replaced "Itchy & Scratchy"]
Bart: What the hell is this?
Lisa: It's one of those campy '70s throwbacks that appeals to Generation X'ers.
Bart: We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little!

A Fish Called Selma [7.19]

Marge: What are you talking about?
Homer: You know, his bizarre personal life. Those weird things they say he does down at the aquarium. Why, I heard...
Marge: Oh, Homer, that's just an urban legend. People don't do that kind of thing with fish!

Louie: Troy McClure!? You said he was dead!
Fat Tony: No, what I said is that he sleeps with the fishes! You see...
Louie: Uh, Tony, please, no. I just ate a whole plate of dingamagoo.

Bart on the Road [7.20]

Homer: Wanna bite of my doughnut?
Lisa: No, thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.

Nelson: (in awe) What is this place?
Bart: Branson, Missouri. My dad says it's like Vegas... if it were run by Ned Flanders.

22 Short Films About Springfield [7.21]

Sanjay: I wish you'd come to my party, Apu. You could use some merriment.
Apu Listen, serving the customer is merriment enough for me. [Bart pays for his gum] Thank you, come again. You see? Most enjoyable.
Sanjay: Oh, I guarantee a wingding of titanic proportions. You will be there or kindly be square.
Apu: Well, I don't like to leave the store... [dusts off a "back in 5 minutes" sign] ...but for the next five minutes I'm going to party like it's on sale for 19.99!

Chairman: Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you. [reads from clipboard] Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant...
Riviera But I cleaned them with my napkin.
Chairman: Misuse of the cadavers.
Riviera I get here earlier when I drive in the carpool lane.

Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish" [7.22]

Grandpa makes a dangerous deep water dive to rescue Bart from being drowned by Mr. Burns

Bart: Sorry I made you lose the treasure, Grandpa.
Grandpa: The treasure's not important, boy; the most important thing is that you're safe. Now, let's go get that treasure!

Bart is impressed with Grandpa's past heroism

Bart: Grandpa, do you think I could have been in the Flying Hellfish?
Grandpa: You're a give-em'-hell daredevil with a never-say-die attitude and a fourth-grade education! You could have made sergeant!

Much Apu About Nothing [7.23]

Marge: What you're saying is so understandable. And really, your only crime was violating U.S. law.

Homer: Please identify this object.
Apu: It appears to be the flag that disappeared from the public library last year.
Homer: Correct. Now, we all know the thirteen stripes are for good luck, but why does the American flag have precisely forty-seven stars?
Apu: Because this particular flag is (chuckling) ridiculously out of date! The library must have purchased it during the brief period in 1912 after New Mexico became a state but before Arizona did.
Homer: Uh... partial credit.

Homerpalooza [7.24]

Homer: Aww, it makes no sense; I haven't changed since high school and suddenly I'm uncool.

{1974. Homer and Barney are singing to the tune of Leo Sayer's "Dancing"}

Homer: [off-key] You make me feel like dancin'!
Barney: [off-key] I wanna dance the night away!
Grampa Simpson: What the hell are you two doing?!
Homer: It's called "rocking out", dad. You're just not with it.
Grampa Simpson: I used to be with it, but then they changed what it was. Now what I'm with isn't it, and what's it seems weird and scary to me... and the same thing is going to happen to you!
Homer: No way, man! We're gonna keep on rockin' Forever! Forever! Forever!
[fades to the current timeline]
Homer: [dejected] Forever... forever...

Summer of 4 Ft. 2 [7.25]

Marge: Well, did you call one of your friends?
Lisa: Hah! These are my only friends: grown up nerds like Gore Vidal, and even he's kissed more boys than I ever will.
Marge: Girls, Lisa. Boys kiss girls.

[Homer walks up to the counter in a convenience store]
Homer: Yeah, um, give me one of those porno magazines, a large box of condoms, a bottle of Old Harper, a box of panty shields... [rapid undertone] and some illegal fireworks... [normal voice] and one of those disposable enemas. You know what, make it two.
Owner: My apologies sir, but the sale of fireworks is strictly prohibited in this state and is punishable by- [the only other customer in the store walks out the door] follow me.

Erin: So, you like hanging out?
Lisa: Well, it beats doin' stuff.
Erin: Totally. Stuff sucks.

Season 8

Treehouse of Horror VII [8.01]

[Marge has given birth to identical Siamese Twins. One of them starts gnawing on the other's arm.]
Marge: I think I'll bottle-feed that one...
Doctor Hibbert: But what to do about poor Hugo? Too crazy for Boys' Town, too much of a boy for Crazy Town. Until Mr. & Mrs. Simpson came up with the only humane action possible...
Homer: We chained Hugo up in the attic like an untrained animal and fed him a bucket of fish heads once a week.
Marge: It saved our marriage!

George Stephanopoulos: [to Kodos] Uh, Mr. President, Sir. People are becoming a bit... confused by the way your and your opponent are, well, constantly holding hands.
Kodos: We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, I'd like to hear it!

You Only Move Twice [8.02]

Scorpio: Good afternoon, gentlemen. This is Scorpio. I have the Doomsday Device. You have 72 hours to deliver the gold or you'll face the consequences. And to prove I'm not bluffing, watch this.

[presses a button causing a bridge to blow up in the background of the screen the gentlemen are visible in]

UN Man 1: [all the men look at the explosion] Oh My God, the Fifty-Ninth Street Bridge!
UN Man 2: Maybe it just collapsed on its own.
UN Man 1: We can't take that chance.
UN Man 2: You always say that. I want to take a chance!
Scorpio: [scoffs] Collapsed on its own--you sh...You have seventy-two hours. See ya.

Homer has just walked in on Scorpio, who is tuning a giant death ray.
Scorpio: By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country, Italy or France?
Homer: France.
Scorpio: [laughs] Nobody ever says Italy.

The Homer They Fall [8.03]

Barney: You'd never get me in a ring - boxing causes brain damage. [drinks from a can of varnish]

Kent Brockman [after being booed by the crowd at the fight]: This just in: go to Hell!

Burns, Baby Burns [8.04]

Larry: What i'm trying to say is--
Mr. Burns: You're what, selling light bulbs? Worried about the whales? Keen on Jesus? Out with it!
Larry: Well Mr. Burns, I'm your son! [Burns is shocked, Larry looks at his foot] Oh, and I stepped on one of your peacocks. You got a paper towel?

Mr. Burns: I should've known you were the only one stupid enough to kidnap you! Now get down here so I can spank you in front of this gawking rabble. Smithers, take off my belt.
Smithers: With pleasure, sir!

Bart After Dark [8.05]

Marge: Now the cat needs his medication--
Homer: No problem.
Marge: --every morning and the furnace--
Homer: Can do.
Marge: --has been putting off--
Homer: Right.
Marge: --a lot of carbon monoxide--
Homer: Uh-huh.
Marge: --so keep the window open.
Homer: Gotcha - cat in the furnace!
Marge: Hmm, you know, I think I'll take Maggie with us. And if anything happens, just use your best judgm... mmm... just do what I would do.

Belle: [through intercom]: Who is it?
Ned: Er, it's an angry mob, ma'am. Could you step outside for a twinkle while we knock down your house?
Belle: Just a minute.

A Milhouse Divided [8.06]

Kirk: You're letting me go!?
Cracker Co. Foreman: Kirk. Crackers are a family food - happy families. Maybe single people eat crackers, we don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without!
Kirk: So that's it? After twenty years, "So long, good luck?"
Cracker Co. Foreman: I don't recall saying, "Good luck."

Nelson: Hey, van Houten, I heard your folks broke up.
Milhouse: Aren't you gonna say, "Haw-haw!"?
Nelson: Oh, by no means. (sits down): My dad left my mom when she got hooked on cough drops. By the end (voice breaks), her breath was so fresh...she wasn't really my mother anymore.
Milhouse: Oh, so I'm not alone.
Kearney: Ah, you'll do fine. My divorce was tough on my kid (slides over and reveals a child who bears a strong resemblance to Kearney), but he got over it.
Kearney's Son: I sleep in a drawer.

Lisa's Date with Density [8.07]

[Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearny walk in on Lisa and Nelson kissing.]
Dolph: Oh, man! You kissed a girl!
Jimbo: That is so gay!

Marge: Well most women will tell you that you're a fool to think you can change a man, but those women are quitters!
Lisa: What?
Marge: When I first met your father, he was loud, crude, and piggish. But I worked hard on him, and now he's a whole new person.
Lisa: Mom...?
Marge: He's a whole new person, Lisa.

Hurricane Neddy [8.08]

Lisa: Dad! I think a hurricane's coming!
Homer: Oh, Lisa! There's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.
Lisa: Yes, but the records only go back to 1978, when the Hall of Records was mysteriously blown away!

[Ned talks to God after his house is destroyed]

Ned: Why me, Lord? I've always been good. I don't drink or dance or swear. I've even kept kosher just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says! Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! What more can I do? I...I..I feel like I wanna yell out, but I just can't dang-darn-diddly-darn-dang-ding-dong-diddly-darned do it! I just...I...*sigh*.

El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer [8.09]

Bart: [sees Homer's figure in the lighthouse light] Hey Lis! Is that dad?
Lisa: Either that, or Batman's really let himself go.

[Homer lies on a sofa, talking to a well-dressed man]
Homer: I always just figured my wife was my soulmate. But if it's not Marge, then who is it? Where do I begin looking?
Man: This really goes beyond my training as a furniture salesman, sir. Now if you don't want the sofa, I'll have to ask you to leave.

The Springfield Files [8.10]

Leonard Nimoy: Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is: No.

Homer: This Friday, we're going back to the woods and we're going to find that alien!
Bart: What if we don't?
Homer: We'll fake it, and sell it to the Fox network.
Bart: [chuckles] They'll buy anything.
Homer: Now son, they do a lot of quality programming, too.
[They both burst into laughter]
Homer: I kill me.

The Twisted World of Marge Simpson [8.11]

[Marge has decided to go into the pretzel business.]
Marge: What's my territory?
Frank Ormand: Your territory? Well, let me put it this way: wherever a young mother is ignorant as to what to feed her baby, you'll be there. Wherever nacho penetration is less than total, you'll be there! Wherever a Bavarian is not quite full, you'll be there!
Marge: Don't forget fat people! They can't stop eating!
Homer: (passing by) Hey! Pretzels!

[Marge arrives at the school loading zone. An unshaven and ragged Skinner appears]
Marge: Are you sure the children will get enough nutrition from these pretzels?
Skinner: [monotonous] Yes I am sure. [a bandaged hand gives Marge money] Sure as sure can be.
Marge: Oh my God. What happened to your fingers?
Legs: [off-camera] Boating accident.
Skinner: I believe it was a... boking accident. [a laser sight is aimed at his temple] I have to go now.

Marge: Homer, did you tell the mob they could eliminate my competition with savage beatings and attempted murders?!
Homer: In those words...? (thinks) ...yes

Mountain of Madness [8.12]

Homer: So, Burns is gonna make us all go on a stupid corporate retreat up in the mountains to learn about teamwork. Which means we'll have to cancel our plans to hang around here.
Bart: Teamwork is overrated.
Homer: Huh?
Bart: Think about it. I mean, what team was Babe Ruth on? Who knows.
Lisa and Marge: Yankees.
Bart: Sharing is a bunch of bull, too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Homer: Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
(This line is often quoted online as a response to internet flaming.)

Burns: Ah sitting, the great leveler. From the lowliest peasant to the mightest pharoah, who does not enjoy a good sit?
Homer: Here is a little move I have been working on. Suppose you wanted that bowl of dip at the other end of the table.
Mr. Burns: Why Homer, you would have to get up.
Homer: Would I? Watch this.
Homer pounds table, which causes bowl to leap several times until it comes into Homer's hand
Mr. Burns: I am in your debt.

Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious [8.13]

Homer: All right, Marge, I'll get you your nanny. And to pay for it, I'll give up the Civil War re-creation society I love so much. [at Moe's, everyone, including Moe, is dressed like 1800s military generals]
Moe: [hangs up the phone] Well, Homer's out. We gotta find a new General Ambrose Burnside.
Barney: [dressed like Lincoln] And I'm not too crazy about our Stonewall Jackson.
Apu: [Apu emerges from the men's room dressed like a Hindu military official] The south shall come again!

Kearney: [As they walk through the park, things look more and more like nineteenth-century London] Extra, extra! Ripper strikes in Whitechapel!
Skinner: Boy for sale! Boy for sale!
Jimbo: Is this legal, man?
Skinner: Only here, and in Mississippi.

The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show [8.14]

Doug: Uh question for Ms. Bellamy. In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib twice in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is some sort of a... [the nerds chuckle] a magic xylophone or something? Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
June: Uh, well, uh...
Homer: I'll field this one. Let me ask you a question. Why would a man whose shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?
Doug: [embarrassed pause] I withdraw my question. [starts eating a candy bar].

Bart: It's back to the basics, classic Itchy & Scratchy.
Lisa: We should thank our lucky stars that they're still putting on a program of this caliber after so many years.
Bart: What else is on?
[Lisa changes the channel.]

Homer's Phobia [8.15]

[Bart walks in wearing a flamboyant Hawaiian shirt.]
Homer: Hey, boy, where’d you get that shirt?
Bart: I dunno. Came outta the closet.

Homer: Marge, the boy was wearing a Hawaiian shirt!
Marge: So?
Homer: There’s only two kind of guys who wear those shirts: gay guys and big, fat party animals, and Bart doesn’t look like a big, fat party animal to me!
Marge: So, if you wore a Hawaiian shirt, it wouldn’t be gay?
Homer: Right! Thank you.

[Homer is at Moe's after taking Bart to a steel mill.]
Homer: ...And the entire steel mill was gay.
Moe: Pfft, where you been, Homer? Entire steel industry's gay! Yeah, aerospace too. And the railroads! And you know what else? Broadway!

Brother from Another Series [8.16]

Bart: [seeing Krusty perform at prison] Wow! Those cons love Krusty! I guess inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy
Lisa: And vice versa.

Sideshow Bob: You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons, the four years at clown college.
Cecil: I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way.

My Sister, My Sitter [8.17]

Chief Wiggum: Bye, Lisa! If anything goes wrong, just dial 911! Uh, unless it's an emergency!
Lisa: G'bye, Chief! Enjoy Bob Saget!
Chief Wiggum: Heh, it's Bob Seger! (He looks at the tickets and frowns) Aw, crap!

Ned: Homer, I've got a Fozzie of a bear of a problem! See, Maude and her mother were visiting Tyre and Sidon, the twin cities of the Holy Land. Well, they must have kneeled in the wrong place and prayed to the wrong god because they're being held prisoner by militants of some sort!
Homer: Militants, eh? Well if I were you, I'd kick their asses.
Ned: Well anywhodilly-doodle, the police say it's just a routine hostage-taking, but I gotta drive to Capitol City and fill out some forms to get them out. Could you possibly watch the kids tonight?
Homer: Oh, gee, I'd really love to wanna help you, Flanders but...Marge was...taken prisoner in the....Holy Land, and...
Lisa: (tugging at Homer's hand) I'll do it! I'll babysit!
Ned: I dunno, Lisa. You're awfully young and the boys can be quite a handful. Todd's been pinching everyone lately!
Lisa: But I'm smart and responsible and my parents will be right next door!
Ned: Well, whaddya say, Homer? Can Lisa babysit my kids?
Lisa: Please, please, please!
Homer: Eh, I'll have to ask her. (He slams the door.)

Homer vs. The Eighteenth Amendment [8.18]

Mayor Quimby: You can't seriously want to ban alcohol! It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism!

Rex Banner: [Overlooking the city] I'll get you, Beer Baron.
Homer: [distant] No, you won't!
Rex Banner: Yes, I will!
Homer: ...Won't!

[Rex Banner suspiciouslly eyes passers-by on the sidewalk. He grabs Ned Flanders.]
Rex Banner: Are you the Beer Baron?
Ned: Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guil-diddly-ilty as char-diddly-arged!
Rex Banner: (To Eddie and Lou) He's not the Baron. But he sounds drunk. Bring him in!
[Next, he grabs Comic Book Guy]
Rex Banner: Are you the Baron?
Comic Book Guy: Yes, but only by night. By day, I'm a mild-mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper.
Rex Banner: Don't crack wise with me, tubby!
Comic Book Guy: "Tubby!?" (looking at his ample gut) Oh, yes. "Tubby."
[Homer and Bart suddenly pass by, towing behind them a wagon full of hops, barley and sour mash.]
Homer: Hey, Banner. How's it hangin'?
Banner: (not noticing) None of your business!

Grade School Confidential [8.19]

[Bart has seen Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel kissing.]
Skinner: Now, Bart...son...I don't know what you think you saw but let me assure you that...
Mrs. Krabappel: What Seymour..I mean, what Principal Skinner means, Bart, is that sometimes a little boy's imagination can run away with him!
Bart: That's the best you can do? You could have at least said you were giving her CPR or rehearsing a play!
Skinner: Is it...too late to say that?
Bart: Mmm-hmm!

Homer: Wait a minute! Bart's teacher's name is Krabappel? I've been calling her Krandall! Why didn't anybody tell me? I've been making an idiot out of myself!

The Canine Mutiny [8.20]

Marge: Aww, Maggie, you got oatmeal all over. Homie, would you clean her off?
Homer: Can do. (puts Maggie on the floor) Laddie! (whistling) Come here, boy! Who wants to lick a messy baby?

Reverend Lovejoy: Mmm, yes, I remember Satan's Little Helper...littering the rectory with his dirt, biting me in the apse.
Agnes: (yells angrily) He unholied the holy water!
Bart: That's him, all right. I'll be happy to take him off your hands.
Reverend: Oh, I'm afraid that's impossible, Bart. He's no longer among us!
Bart (gasps in terror): You didn't crucify him?
Reverend (hearty laugh): No, he's safely with one of our parishioners. If you'll come with me, I'll be happy to give you his address.
Agnes: And then buy something or get out! (Rev. Lovejoy gives her an angry look.) Angel!

The Old Man and the Lisa [8.21]

Mr. Burns:Questions?

[somewhat long pause, finally Skinner raises his hand]

Principal Skinner: Well, uh, I might take advantage of this rare opportunity even if you children aren't interested. Which do you think is more important? Hard work, or stick-to-itiveness?
Mr. Burns: ...Are there any real questions?

(When Lisa asks him about recycling)
Mr. Burns: Oooh, so Mother Nature needs a favor?! Well maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she's losing. Well I say, hard cheese.

In Marge We Trust [8.22]

Homer:Oh, I'd love to go with you honey, but I got a lot of work to do around the bed.
Marge: Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
Homer: Well in that case he should've made the week an hour longer.

Homer: [hands Akira a detergent box] Akira, can you read this for me?
Akira: Ah, yes. This is a product called Mr. Sparkle, very popular dish detergent. [points at the mascot on the box] Hey, he looks like you! [laughs]
Lisa: What's he saying?
Akira: He identifies himself as a magnet for foodstuffs. He boasts that he will banish dirt to the land of wind and ghosts.

Homer's Enemy [8.23]

[Alarms blare and red lights go on at Homer's work station]
Grimes: Simpson, you've got a 5-13! [Homer glances at his watch] No, a 5-13! In your procedures manual? A 5-13? [Homer stares at his watch again] Look at your control panel!
Homer: Oh, a five thir-teen. I'll handle it.
[Homer goes into his office and pours water on his control panel, shorting out the console and alarms]
Homer: That got it.
[Grimes stares flabbergasted through his window.]

Homer: Oh, I can’t believe it. I got an enemy. Me, the most beloved man in Springfield.
Moe: Ah, it's a weird world, Homer. As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me, neither.
Homer: No, I won't accept that.
Moe: No, it's true. I got their names written down right here on what I call my, uh, "enemies list." [reaches under the bar for a sheet of paper]
Barney: [takes list and reads it] Jane Fonda, Daniel Schorr, Jack Anderson... Hey! This is Richard Nixon's enemies list. You just crossed out his name and put yours.
Moe: Okay, gimmie that, gimmie it back. [takes list and writes] Barney Gumble.

The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase [8.24]

[Wiggum encounters the Simpsons at Mardi Gras]
Wiggum: If it isn't my old friends from Springfield, the Simpsons! What brings you folks to New Orleans?
Bart: Mardi Gras, man! When the Big Easy calls, you gotta accept the charges.
Lisa: Chief Wiggum, I can't wait to hear about all the exciting, sexy adventures you're sure to have against this colorful backdrop.
Wiggum: Well golly, I'd love to chat, but my son's been kidnapped. You haven't seen him, have you? Caucasian male, between the ages of six and ten, thinning hair.
Homer: [points to Ralph and Big Daddy] Over there.
Ralph: [points to Chief Wiggum] Look Big Daddy, it's regular daddy!

Ralph: [to Chief Wiggum] Daddy, when I grow up, I wanna be just like you!
Skinner(aka Skinny Boy): Better start eating, kid!

The Secret War of Lisa Simpson [8.25]

Bart: Military school!? You guys lied to me!
Homer: Well, I'm sorry if you heard "Disneyland," but I distinctly said, "military school!"

Cadet: I can't believe they let a girl in!
Cadet #2: Don't worry; we'll drive her out of the academy! That's why God invented hazing!

Season 9

The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson [9.01]

Moe: [as Homer, Barney, Lenny, Carl, and the 2 barflies (Larry the Wife Dodger and Sam the Ear Bender) walk in] Yeah, alright, listen up guys, the Springfield Police have told me that 91% of all traffic accidents are caused by you six guys.
[Moe's regulars exchange high-fives and cheer in triumph.]
Moe: Yeah, I know, I know, but the bad news is we gotta start having Designated Drivers. [the regulars moan and groan] We'll choose the same way they pick the Pope... [sets a giant glass jar with pickled eggs floating in it on the table] Everybody reach in and draw a pickled egg; whoever gets the black egg stays sober tonight.

Homer: New York is a hellhole. And you know how I feel about hellholes!
Lisa: Dad, you can't judge a place you've never been to.
Bart: Yeah, that's what people do in Russia.

Homer: I'm gettin' out of this town alive if it kills me!

[Homer tries Klav Kalash from a street vendor]
Homer: Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?
Klav Kalash vendor: Mountain Dew or crab juice.
Homer: Blech! Ew! Geez! I'll take a crab juice.

The Principal and the Pauper [9.02]

Lisa: A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
Bart: Not if you called 'em stench blossoms.
Homer: Or crapweeds.
Marge: I'd sure hate to get a dozen crapweeds for Valentine's Day. I'd rather have candy.
Homer: Not if they were called scumdrops.

Skinner: The judge offered me a choice: jail, the army, or apologize to the judge and old lady. Of course, if I knew there was a war going on, I probably would have apologized.

Lisa's Sax [9.03]

[The "All in the Family" opening:]
Homer: Boy, the way the Bee Gees played...
Marge: Movies John Travolta made...
Homer: Guessing how much Elvis weighed...
Homer & Marge: Those were the days!
Marge: And you knew where you were then...
Homer: Watching shows like "Gentle Ben"...
Homer & Marge: Mister, we could use a man like Sheriff Lobo again!
Homer: "Disco Duck" and Fleetwood Mac...
Marge: Coming out of my eight-track...
Homer & Marge: Michael Jackson still was black...Those were the daaayyyys!

Homer: Now son, on your first day of school, I'd like to pass along the words of advice my father gave me. [thinking what Grandpa told him]
Young Grandpa: Homer, you're as dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it!
Homer: Lousy traumatic childhood.

Treehouse of Horror VIII [9.04]

[The French neutron bomb nearly hits Kang and Kodos' ship]
Kodos: What the hell was that?!
Kang: (speaking into microphone) Calling home planet! This is Kang reporting a cigar-shaped object moving at tremendous speed!
Superior Rigellian: (on Rigel VII) Suuuure, Kang, I'm writing it all down.
[He and his fellow superiors laugh amongst themselves]

Mayor Quimby: You are all hereby found guilty of the crime of witchcraft. I sentence you hags to be burned at the stake until you are deemed fit to re-enter society.

Maude Flanders:(Looks at witches) Oh, Neddie, look at them up there, plotting our doom. They could force us to do wanton acts of carnality.
Ned Flanders:(scoffs) Yeah, that'll be the day.

Homer:You're mutants?
Moe:Uh, we don't like the word 'mutants', Homer. We prefer 'freaks' or 'monsters'.

The Cartridge Family [9.05]

Gun Shop Owner: Whoa, careful there, Annie Oakley.
Homer: I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun.

Marge: I'm sorry Homer, no weapons.
Homer: A gun is not a weapon. It's a tool. Like a butcher knife, or a harpoon, or...uh, a...an alligator.

Moe: [At an NRA meeting] So last night I was closing up the bar, when some young punk comes in and tries to stick me up.
Sideshow Mel: Whatever did you do, Moe?
Moe: Well, it coulda been a real ugly situation but, luckily, I managed to shoot him in the spine.
[Audience cheers and applauds]
Moe: Yeah. I guess the next place he robs better have a ramp!

Krusty: Hey, yutz! Guns aren't toys! They're for home defense, hunting dangerous or delicious animals and keepin' the King of England out of your face!

Bart Star [9.06]

Todd Flanders:We don't have to play football, do we Daddy?
Ned Flanders:Oh, you betcha! Team sports will keep you away from temptations like rock music and girls.
Rod and Todd Flanders:Yeah!

Marge:You shouldn't pressure Bart like that.
Homer:Well, if you have a better way of living through my son I'd like to hear it.

Homer:My father never believed in me. Well, I'm not gonna make the same mistake. From now on I'm gonna be kinder to my son, and meaner to my dad.[Homer walks outside to where he forced Bart to run laps] Quit runnin' son. I just wanna give you a big hug.
Bart's mind: It's gotta be a trick, run like the wind.

Homer:[talking to his football team] Good practice team. Ok, its time for the easiest part of any coach's job-the cut. Now, while I wasn't able to cut everybody I wanted to, I have cut a lot of you.

Homer: Hello, son. I wanna apologize. I just got so caught up trying to encourage you I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you forgive me I promise I'll never encourage you again.

Nelson's Father: Good game, son. Come on, I'm taking you to Hooters.
Nelson: Ah... I don't wanna bother mom at work.

Joe Namath: Excuse me, son.
Bart: Wow, you're Joe Namath!
Joe Namath: That's right. My car broke down in front of your house.
Bart: I cannot believe you are here! Do you think you could give me a few pointers?
Joe Namath: Sure. There's only one thing you need to know to be a great quarterback.
Joe Namath's wife: Joe, honey, I fixed it. It was just vapor lock.
Joe Namath: O.K., look, I gotta run. [heading back to his car] Remember what I told you!
Bart: [returns to practicing throwing the football] O.K. Bart, concentrate.
Bart's thoughts: Remember what I told you... Just one thing... My car broke down... I'm Joe Namath... My car broke down... It was just vapor lock... vapor lock... vapor lock...
Bart: I'm dead.

The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons [9.07]

Apu: Is it just me or do all of your plans involve some horrible web of lies?
Homer: It's you.

Grampa:Baloney! You came here to put me in a home.
Homer: You're already in a home.
Grampa: Oh how could you!

Homer:Moe, what do you recommend for severe depression?
Moe:Booze, booze, and more booze.
Lenny:Ha. Nothing like a depressant to chase the blues away.

(Bar flies mumble affirmatively)

Lisa the Skeptic [9.08]

Lisa:Principal Skinner. Remember when I didn't sue when I found that scorpion in my applesauce? Well I'm calling in a favor.
Principal Skinner:I knew this day would come. (voice over intercom):Attention all honor students will be rewarded with a trip to an archeological dig. Conversely, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archaeological dig.

Homer:(scoffs) Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that's remotely true.

Marge:Lisa, if you can't make a leap of faith now and then, well I fell sorry for you.

Moe:Science! What has science ever done for us?

Flanders: Well, I gotta say, Lisa, it sounds like you're strainin' to do some explainin'.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, everyone's heard of angels, but who's ever heard of a "Neanderthal"?
Lisa: It could be anything! It could be a mutant from the nuclear plant!
Mr. Burns: Oh, fiddle faddle, everyone knows our mutants have flippers. Oops, I've said too much. Smithers, use the amnesia ray.
Smithers: You mean the revolver, sir?
Mr. Burns: Precisely. Be sure to wipe your own memory clear when you're finished.

Judge: Lisa Simpson, you are charged with destruction of an historic curiosity--a misdemeanor. But in a larger sense, this trial will settle the age-old question of science versus religion. Let the opening statements commence.
Prosecuting lawyer: Your Honor, over the coming weeks, and months, we intend to prove Lisa Simpson willfully destroyed--
Lenny: [points to window] There's the angel!
(Murmuring)
(The courtroom empties)
Judge: I find the defendant not guilty. As for Science versus Religion, I'm issuing a restraining order. Religion must stay 500 yards from Science at all times.

Realty Bites [9.09]

Homer:Trying is the 1st step toward failure.

Homer:Seat belts!? They kill more people than they save.
Lisa:That's not true. You're thinking of airbags!

Chief Wiggam:This is Wiggam, reporting a 318-waking a police officer!

[Bart and Lisa have come up with a song to help Marge study for her realtor's license and are singing it to Homer]
Bart, Lisa, and Marge: Oh, on the closing day, the escrow agents pay, taxes, liens and interest too, thanks to Fannie Mae!
Bart: They back your baaaaank!
Homer: You're all nuts.

Lionel Hutz: Marge, I had a lot of calls about you. Customers love your no-pressure approach.
Marge: Well, like we say, the right house for the right person.
Lionel Hutz: Listen, it's time I let you in on a little secret, Marge. "The right house" is the house that's for sale; the "right person" is anyone.
Marge: But all I did was tell the truth!
Lionel Hutz: Of course you did. But there's "the truth" (shakes head) and "the truth!" (smiles wide). Let me show you.
Marge: It's awfully small.
Lionel Hutz: I'd say it's awfully "cozy."
Marge: That's dilapidated.
Lionel Hutz: Rustic.
Marge: That house is on fire!
Lionel Hutz: "Motivated seller"!

Miracle on Evergreen Terrace [9.10]

Sideshow Mel:You only live once!
Apu:Hey, speak for yourself!

(After finding out that the Simpsons Christmas tree was burned and buried in the snow and Bart lied about the burglar taking everything)

Moe: [disillusioned] So this was all a scam. And on Christmas.
Barney: Yeah. Jesus must be spinning in his grave!

(Marge reads a hate letter from the pile on the kitchen table)

Marge: "You'll all get yours in Hell, you lying thieving..." (hesitates): "blanking blankers. Sincerely, Moe."
Homer: Oh, great, we have to write him a thank-you card, too.
Marge: Homer, I know you're used to getting hate mail, but I'm not.

Homer:Marge, kids, let's go buy some happiness!

All Singing, All Dancing [9.11]

Marge: We got the popcorn. Did you get Waiting to Exhale?
Homer: Well, they put us on the Waiting to Exhale waiting list, but they said don't hold your breath.

Snake: [singing] A singing family, it's worse than I feared... for hostage purposes, you're just too weird! Bye!

Bart Carny [9.12]

Cooder: [Explaining the ring toss booth] The main thing is to bring in the rubes.
Spud: Do whatever it takes. Sweet talk, insults, slang from the '30s that no one uses anymore.
Bart: Like "rubes"?
Spud: Now you're on the trolley.

Nelson: You wrecked Hitler's car! What did he ever do to you?

The Joy of Sect [9.13]

Homer:I always say-a boy can learn more at an airport then he can at any school.

Marge: I've never heard of these Movementarians; are they some kind of church?
Homer: Who cares what it is? The point is that these are some decent generous people that I can take advantage of.
Marge: But what if they try to talk us into something?
Homer: Marge, Marge, Marge [chuckles]. Remember when those smooth-talking guys tried to sell me a time-share vacation condo?
Marge: You bought four of them! Thank God the check bounced.
Homer: So I beat the system.
Lisa: Watch yourself, Dad. You're the highly suggestible type.
Homer: Yes, I am the highly suggestible type.

Rev. Lovejoy: (preaching at church) This so called "New Religion" is nothing more than a bunch of weird rituals designed to take away the money of fools. Now, let's say the Lord's Prayer 40 times but first let's pass the collection plate!

Lisa: It's wonderful to think for ourselves again.
Bart: You said it, sister.
TV voice-over: You are watching Fox.
Homer, Marge, Bart, and Lisa: We are watching Fox.

Das Bus [9.14]


Lisa: Point of order, if we want to learn anything, we must respect--
Bart: Point of "odor," Lisa stinks.
(children laugh)
Sherri/Terri: Hey, leave her alone.
Nelson: You leave her alone.
(children are all shouting at each other)
Ralph: [singing] O, Canada!
{Principal Skinner restores order by banging his shoe on the desk}
Principal Skinner: Order, order! Do you kids want to be like the real U.N., or do you just want to squabble and waste time?

Nelson: [taking an orange out of the cooler) Hey Simpson, race ya!
Bart: [taking an apple out] First one to the front of the bus gets Martin's lunch money!
Martin: Wha?
[The two put their fruits on the floor of the bus, beginning to roll to the front]
Bart: Go Apple!
Nelson: Go Orange!
(Ralph puts a banana, which does not roll, on the floor)
Ralph: Go Banana!

Bart: It'll be just like The Swiss Family Robinson, only with more cursing! We'll live like kings! Damn hell ass kings!

Sherri/Terri: I'm so hungry I could eat at Arby's!

Lisa: All we could find are these purple, oozing berries, and I don't think they're edible.
Ralph: I eated the purple berries.
Bart: How are they Ralph? Good?
Ralph: [collapsing in pain] They taste like burning.

The Last Temptation of Krust [9.15]

Krusty: Uh-huh. Charity, eh? What's my cut? Nothing? I make more than that takin' a "schwitz."
Jay Leno: He seems reluctant.
Bart: Tell him it will count towards his community service.
Krusty: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. All right, I'll do it. [groans] Boy, swipe one pair of Haggar slacks and you're payin' for it the rest of your life.

Moe is presenting Krusty's return to comedy
Moe: Hi, how're you folks doin'? I'm Moe, or as the ladies like to call me,"hey you, behind the bushes". [the audience doesn't respond]; [Moe taps on the microphone] Is this thing on?
Barney: No. Sorry, Moe. [Turns on the microphone]

Dumbbell Indemnity [9.16]

Homer:(drunk at Moe's) Here's to Marge! And all the blissful years I've spent hiding from her in this bar!

Homer:Don't give up Moe. The girl of your dreams has gotta be in some bar.

Homer: Why don't you sell your car?
Moe: Ah, my car ain't worth nothing, but it is insured for five grand. Homer, you gotta steal the car for me and wreck it.
Homer: Steal your car? I can just imagine what Marge would say.
Marge: [in thought balloon] Homer, I insist you steal that car!
Homer: I'll do it!

Homer: (scooting a cart of book to Moe's Tavern with his right leg) Must kill Moe! (holds onto the cart, riding along happily) WHHEEEEE!!! (goes back to scooting) Must kill Moe...! (holds again) WHHEEEEE!!!

Lisa the Simpson [9.17]

Grampa:(talking to Lisa) Your dad used to be as smart as a monkey. Then his mind started gettin' lazy. Now he's a dumb as a chimp.

Troy McClure:Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such medical films as "Alice Doesn't Live Anymore" and "Mommy, What's Wrong with that Man's Face?"

Grampa: (about Lisa) Aw, she's just upset 'cause I told her her brain's turnin' to mush. On accout of the Simpson Gene!
Marge: "Simpson Gene?" That's just foolishness!
Grampa: Nope. Baldness, too!

Lisa: I'm strongly opposed to Proposition umm 3-3-0-5...
TV Producer: You're against discount bus fares for war widows?
Lisa: You bet I am!

Lisa: [on TV] I'm supposed to be talking to you today about Proposition 3305...
Homer: Moochin' war widows!

This Little Wiggy [9.18]

Ralph Wiggam:I found a moon rock in my nose.

Bart: Your dad is chief of police, doesn't he have any cool police stuff?
Ralph: Just in his closet, but he said I'm not allowed to go in there.
Bart: Did he say I'm not allowed to go in there?
Ralph: Yes.

Chief Wiggam:(to Ralph) You know you're not suppose to go in there. What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mystery.

Ralph Wiggam: The pointy kitty took it away! (after a rat stole his key)

(Lisa's model rocket flies into Mr. Burns's office at the nuclear plant)

Mr. Burns: Smithers! There's a rocket in my pocket!
Smithers (suggestively): You don't have to tell me, sir.

Simpson Tide [9.19]

Captain Tenille: I'm a man of few words. [long pause] Any questions?
Homer: Is a poop deck really what I think it is?
Captain Tenille: [chuckles] I like the cut of your jib.
Homer: What's a jib?
Captain Tenille: [laughs] Promote that man.

Captain Tenille: Tell me young man, what do you want out of life?.
Homer: [straining to reach the peas on the table] I want peeeas...
Captain Tenille: Oh, we all want peace! But it's always just out of reach. [Homer groans and sits back in his chair] So, what's the best way to get peace?.
Homer: [reaching out and picking up peas on his knife] With a knife.
Captain Tenille: Exactly! Not with the olive branch but the bayonet! Ah, Simpson, you're like the son I never had.
Homer: And you're like the father I never visit.

The Trouble with Trillions [9.20]

(Scrambling to complete his taxes)
Homer: Marge, how many kids do we have? Oh, no time to count, I'll just estimate! Uh . . . nine!
Marge:Homer, you know we don't have--
Homer: Shut up! Shut up! If I don't hear you, it's not illegal! Okay I need some deductions. Deductions... Oh, business gifts! (hands Marge the sailboat painting from above the couch) Here you go, keep using nuclear power.
Marge: Homer, I painted that for you.
Homer: Okay, Marge, if anyone asks, you require twenty-four hour nursing care, Lisa's a clergyman, Maggie is seven people, and Bart was wounded in Vietnam!
Bart: Cool!

Agent Johnson: We believe Burns still has that bill hidden somewhere in his house, but all we've ascertained from satellite photos is that it's not on the roof.

Mr. Burns:If it's a crime to love one's country, then I'm guilty. And if it's a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government, and hand it over to communist Cuba, then I'm guilty of that too. And if it's a crime to bribe a jury, then so help me, I'll soon be guilty of that!
Homer:God bless America!

Girly Edition [9.21]

Store Clerk: May I inquire as to how you are differently abled?
Homer: Oh, I'm not handicapped. I'm just lazy.

(Bart has aired a segment of "Bart's People" featuring the man that fed the ducks, but they left to the other side of the pond)
Mr. Burns: (sniffling) Smithers, do you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?
Smithers: There's no maybe about it, sir.
Mr. Burns: Excellent.

Lisa: They want sentiment? I'll pump 'em so full of sap they'll have to blow their nose with a pancake!

Trash of the Titans [9.22]

Homer:I never apologize, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.

Homer: This is a very, very proud day for us! Especially me, your father, me, beat City Hall! It's just like David and Goliath, only this time, David won!

Homer calmly enters his office with a briefcase, where he is greeted by a bunch of angry sanitation workers
Garbageman #1: Where are our paychecks, you bum?
Head Garbageman: My men ain't working one more minute until we get paid.
Homer unhinges briefcase to reveal stacks of money
Homer: Will cash do?
Head Garbageman: Will it ever!
Mayor Quimby barges into Homer's office
Mayor Quimby: Did I just hear a briefcase opening?

King of the Hill [9.23]

Rainier Wolfcastle: McBain to base! Under attack by Commie-Nazis!

[As Marge uses a telescope to look up at the mountain Homer just climbed]
Marge: Is that your wallet?
Homer: D'OH!!!

Lost Our Lisa [9.24]

Homer:I know I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there please save me Superman!

Homer:Stupid risks are what make life worth living.

(as Homer and Lisa are breaking into the Springfield Museum)
Homer: Lisa, could you get the window? The police have Daddy's prints on file.

[Lisa finds herself in an ethnic part of Springfield]
Lisa: [to herself] Huh, I didn't know Springfield had a Russian district. [comes across two men playing chess] Uh, excuse me. I'm kinda lost. Can you tell me how to get to the museum?
Man 1: [angrily] Moe udovoljstvie! Muzej - shestj blokov tot putj! [My pleasure! The museum is six blocks that way!]
[Lisa runs off screaming]
Man 1: [calmly] Ona poshla nepraviljnыj putj. [She went the wrong way.]
Man 2: [makes his move] Porazhenie. [Checkmate.]
Man 1: [throws the board on the ground] Horoshaja igra! Kak o drugom?! [Good game! How about another?!]

Natural Born Kissers [9.25]

(Homer and Marge rush over to some garden ornaments naked; Marge stands behind birds and a flower, Homer stands behind two lumberjacks sawing a log)

Homer: Marge, can we switch? I don't trust these guys!

Marge:You don't think there's anything wrong with what we're doing, do you?
Homer:I don't think anything I've ever done is wrong.

Reverend: Now lets all thank the lord for this our new crystal church for us to behold all his natural glory.

[Homer's backside is sliding across the top of it the roof, making a huge noise]

Reverend: Now hurry, let's all look down and admire God's new parquet floor. [Eyes closed looking down as Homer still passes by on the ceiling] Eyes on the floor, still on the floor, always on God's floor.

Season 10

Lard of the Dance [10.01]

Homer:Used grease is worth money? Then my arteries are clogged with yellow gold!

Homer:Marge, I'm a little busy right now achieving financial independence.
Marge:With cans of used grease?
Homer:(mockingly) No, through savings and wise investments! Of course with grease.

Alex: Your name's Lisa? Shut up, I love that name!
Lisa: Did she just tell me to "shut up?"

(Bart and Homer are escaping from Groundskeeper Willie through the air ducts. Willie grabs Homer by the ankle.)
Willie: not so fast, boyo. Hell, if it was up to me, I'd let ya go. (Raises his fists.) But, the lads have a temper, and they've been drinking all day!
(Willie starts punching Homer with hard blows while Homer is screaming in pain.)
Homer: Ow! Stop pummeling me! It's really painful!
Willie: (Willie stops briefly.) Okay, fine. I'll strangle ya for a while! (Willie strangles Homer with his hose, and one of Homer's eyes bulges out of its socket.)

Homer:Lisa, I can't imagine anyone being more likable than you. But apparently this new girl is. So my advice would be to start copying her in every way.

Homer:Oh, I can't believe those goons muscled me out of my grease business. I've been muscled out of everything I've ever done, including my muscle for hire business.
Marge:Oh, poor Homey. Couldn't you try some other far-out, moneymaking scheme?

Homer:Alright son, we're about to embark on our most difficult mission. Let's bow our head in prayer. Dear Lord, I know you're busy, seeing as how you can watch women change cloths and all that, but if you help us steal this grease tonight I promise we'll donate half the profits to charity.
Bart:Dad, He's not stupid.
Homer:Alright, screw it. Let's go! (floors it)

The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace [10.02]


Marge:I brought you a tuna sandwich. They say it's brain food. I guess because there's so much dolphin in it, and you know how smart they are.

Kent Brockman:In other news, Thomas Edison-the greatest inventor of all time-is apparently still inventing despite the notable handicap of being dead.

Homer: (Homer is showing his family his new inventions.) This is my "Everything's Okay Alarm." (Picks up a device that looks like a smoke detector and presses a button. It starts beeping loudly.) (Homer shouting.) THIS ALARM WILL SOUND EVERY 3 SECONDS, UNLESS SOMETHING ISN'T OKAY!
Marge: HOMER, TURN IT OFF!
Homer: IT CAN'T BE TURNED OFF! (The beeping starts weakening, then stops completely.) But, it does break easily.

Lisa: Dad, women won't like being shot in the face.
Homer: Women will like what I tell them to like.

Bart the Mother [10.03]

(at an arcade)

Nelson:What can I get for 8,000 tickets?
Clerk:Uh, a BB gun or an Easy Bake Oven.
Nelson:Hmmm...Hot food is tempting, but I just can't say no to a weapon.

(after Marge sees the bird Bart shot)

Marge: Bart! Did you kill that poor bird?
Bart: I didn't mean to, Mom. The gun pulled to the left.
Marge: You disobeyed me, snuck over here, and murdered a helpless animal?!
Bart: I know, I really screwed up. I deserve to be punished.
Marge (sighs dejectedly): Oh, what's the point, Bart? I punish, and I punish, and I punish, but it never sinks in. So you know what? Do what you want. You wanna play with little hoodlums? Fine! Have fun killing things! (gets in her stationwagon and drives off)

Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such nature films as "Earwigs, ewwww" and "Man vs. Nature: The Road to Victory"

Homer:This is the most exciting thing I've seen since Halley's Comet collided with the moon.
Lisa:That didn't happen Dad.
Homer:Sure it didn't Lisa.

Mayor Quimby:(to Bart) For decimating our pigeon population and for making Springfield a less oppressive place to while away our worthless lives, I present you with this scented candle.

Treehouse of Horror IX [10.04]

Marge: Homer, Kang is Maggie's father.
Homer: (gasps) You intergalactic hussy! How could you?! (starts crying) Was he better than me?

Kang: Any-hoo, this is your last chance. Turn over the baby now!
Kodos: Or we will destroy all your leaders in Washington!
Marge: [not intimidated] Oh, you can't destroy every politician!
Kodos: [darkly] Just watch us.
[Kang and Kodos laugh maniacally as they enter their spaceship and take off.]
Bart: Don't forget Ken Starr!

When You Dish Upon a Star [10.05]

Lisa:(speaking to Homer) You promised to take us to the lake.
Homer:I promise you kids lots of things. That's what make me such a good father.
Lisa:Actually, keeping promises would make you a good father.
Homer:No that would make me a great father.

Man:Sir you can't operate a boat under the influence of alcohol.
Homer:Oh, that sounds like a wager to me.

Homer:(while parasailing) Ooh, I'm soaring like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft!

Homer: When was the last time Barbra Streisand ever did the laundry for you? And when it's time to do the dishes, where's Ray Bolger?! I'll tell you where! RAY BOLGER IS LOOKING OUT FOR RAY BOLGER!!!

D'oh-in in the Wind [10.06]

Dr. Hibbert: If that were a gladiola, he'd be dead right now!
Marge: Shouldn't you just pull it out?
Dr. Hibbert: (Trademark Laugh) I'm a doctor not a gardener!
Homer: Couldn't you just trim some of the leaves so I can watch TV?
Dr. Hibbert: Now what did I just say?!

Young Homer on mural: How could you let me turn into you?
Homer: But but but the poncho.
Young Homer:(Mocking) but but but the poncho! Hit the road square!

Lisa Gets an "A" [10.07]

Skinner: And, for the first time ever, our computer lab actually has a computer in it!
(Ralph is sitting at their newly installed computer, engrossed in an educational spelling program)
Ralph: Hi, Lisa! Hi, Principal Skinner! Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers! (he types "cat," which prompts a "meow" sound from the computer) I'm learn-ding.
Lisa: Aw, way to go, Ralph.

(Bart and Lisa are outside the boys' bathroom)

Lisa: Hey, I can't go in there!
Bart: Relax, there's nothing here you didn't see when Dad boycotted pants.

Homer Simpson in: "Kidney Trouble" [10.08]

Homer: If I die in the operation, will ya do one thing for me.
Marge: Oooh, anything sweetheart.
Homer: (serious tone) Blow up the hospital.

(after hearing Homer's story of how he ran away from his dying father after promising him one of his kidneys)
Concertina Player: (in a French accent): I stole this accordian from a blind monkey, but you (spits): You disgust even me!

Homer:I'm the luckiest man in the world, now that Lou Gehrig's dead.

Mayored to the Mob [10.09]

Mayor Quimby:Oh God. Can't this town go one day without a riot?

Homer: Oh My God, I killed the Mayor! Alright, stay calm. I'll just use the body to stage an elaborate farce a la Weekend At Bernie's.

Bart: If I was Fat Tony, and God willing someday I will be, I'd just be stewing in my jail cell getting angrier and angrier.
Homer: I don't have to worry about that, he's already out on bail. Well, I'm off to work.
Marge: You're guarding the mayor, after Fat Tony swore revenge?
Homer: I have to, Marge. Besides, those mobsters don't scare me. Bart, will you start daddy's car?
Marge: Homer!
Homer: What? Nothing bad will happen.
Bart: Well, then you start it.
Homer: Fine, I'll take a cab.

Viva Ned Flanders [10.10]

Casino worker:Someone dishonoring their marriage vows!? Not in Las Vegas.

Homer: Oh, slave girl!

Wild Barts Can't Be Broken [10.11]

Homer: Stupid Isotopes. Hurry up and lose so we can get outta here!
Lisa: Why do you hate the Isotopes so much, Dad?
Homer: Because I loved them once and they broke my heart. Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie. Never love anything.
Lisa: Even you?
Homer: Especially me.
Bart: But you gotta support the team, Dad! They're already threatening to move to Moose Jaw.
Marge: That's right! Like my mother always said, you've got to stick it out, even if you picked the loser ... (sees Homer picking at his ear and looking at his finger afterward) ...to the bitter end.

Bart: Tune in tomorrow, and every day, until the curfew is lifted, because we'll be revealing embarrassing secrets about Springfield's other adults.
Homer: Well, at least they've already done me.
Bart: And we have plenty more on Homer Simpson.
Homer: D'oh!

Sunday, Cruddy Sunday [10.12]

Moe: Bye weeks. Bronko Nagurski didn't get no bye weeks, and now he's dead! [pause] Well... maybe they're a good thing.

Homer to the Max [10.13]

Marge: But I fell in love with Homer Simpson. I don't wanna snuggle with Max Power.
Max (Homer): Nobody snuggles with Max Power - You strap yourself in and feel the G's! [performs a hip gyration]
Marge: Oh, Lord...
Max: And it doesn't stop in the bedroom. Oh no! I'm taking charge! Kids, there's three ways to do things! The right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way!
Bart: Isn't that the wrong way?
Max: Yeah, but faster!

Max: Awww, this is the worst party ever.
Marge: Remember that New Year's Eve party at Lenny's? He didn't even have a clock.

I'm With Cupid [10.14]

(Homer is telling Lisa a bedtime story)

Homer: ...and then the handsome prince realized he had to go to the bathroom really bad, but the evil ogre -- Barney -- had left the men's room in the most wicked condition! So the prince went out back to the enchanted alley --
Lisa: That's not a fairy tale; it's something that happened to you at Moe's!
Homer: Sssh. Anyway, the prince passed out for a hundred years, until he was awakened by the kiss of a noble raccoon!

Homer Everybody's marriages is falling apart except ours. You see the problem is communication.... too much communication.

Homer: People! It's easy to blame ourselves, but it's even easier to blame Apu!

Marge Simpson in: "Screaming Yellow Honkers" [10.15]

Zookeeper: Boy, that Stone Phillips sounds like quite a bloke. What television network is he on?
Bart: Why, NBC, of course.
Lisa: NBC has lots of great shows, and their news and sports coverage can't be beat.
Wiggum: Do you think there's anything great on NBC right now?
Homer: Oh, I'm sure of it.
Marge: But there's only one way to find out.
(cut to the closing credits)
Homer (voice-over): I'd like to read the following statement, but I do so under ... (sound of gun cocking)... my own free will. It has come to my attention that NBC sucks. I apologize for misleading you and urge you to watch as many Fox shows as possible. So in summary, NBC - bad. Fox - good. (very softly) CBS great.
(sound of gunshot, followed by a thud. The Gracie Studios logo appears, accompanied by three more gunshots. According to the audio commentary, George Meyer came up with the idea of shooting an already dead corpse a few times, he called them "safety shots.")

Bart Simpson: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.

Homer:I'm gonna die! Jesus, Allah, Buddha, I love you all!

Make Room for Lisa [10.16]

Lisa: Wow, I've been a cat, a tree, and Cokie Roberts. It's happening again. I wonder where I'm going this time. What's that?
[A sandwich appears on a black background]
Lisa: Yuck! That sandwich is full of meat. [As the meats rotate] There's bacon, Canadian bacon, Mexican bacon [drooling] and a mouth-watering veal chop.
[two arms come from either side of the screen, grab the sandwich. Lisa takes a bite]
Lisa: Oh, no, now I'm dad!
[background, from Homer's point of view, fades in. He's at a ballet]
Lisa (as Homer): Oh, and I'm at a stupid boring ballet.

Homer: Relax, Lisa! Meet your new roommate! (Hums The Odd Couple Theme)
Bart: I'm gonna make your life a living hell!
Homer: (Still hums The Odd Couple and shoves Lisa in)

Maximum Homerdrive [10.17]

Female Trucker: There goes the finest trucker who ever lived!
Homer: He called me Greenhorn. I called him Tony Randall. It was a thing we had.
Male Trucker: In 38 years, he never missed a shipment. Well, it looks like this is one delivery old Red won't be making.
Homer: Oh, yes he will....AND ON TIME, TOO!
Marge: Oh no, Homer, NO!
Homer: I have to, Marge. I owe it to Red as both his friend and his killer!

Homer: Don't you have school?
Bart: Don't you have work?
Homer: Ahh, Touché.

Simpsons Bible Stories [10.18]

Homer (as Adam): [to Marge (as Eve)] You're pretty uptight for a naked chick.

(The Simpsons watch as their neighborhood is engulfed by The Apocalypse)

Marge: Oh, no! It's the Apocalypse! Bart, are you wearing clean underwear?
Bart: Not anymore.
Lisa: It's The Rapture, and I never knew true love!
Homer: I never used those pizza coupons.

Mom and Pop Art [10.19]

[Homer is getting hit by soup cans thrown by Andy Warhol]
Andy Warhol: Soup's on, Fat Boy!
[Homer is on the ground whimpering. Warhol approaches him with a larger soup can. Homer awakes from the dream.]
Homer: Andy! No!
Marge: Homer! Homer!
Homer: [waking up] Oh, Marge! Why does art hate me? I never did anything to art. [He holds up his arm, his fist is through one of Andy Warhol's Soup Can paintings) Oh. Let's get out of here.

Homer (as he looks at a picture of "Life in Hell"'s Akbar and Jeff): Matt Groening?! What's he doing in a museum? He can barely draw.

The Old Man and The "C" Student [10.20]

Abe: Settle a bet. Mole or boil?

Bart: Hey, Chalmers, where are you from?
Superintendent Chalmers: Well, I was born in Queens, went to Ball state, then made the move to Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Uh, why do you ask?
(Bart is about to say something when Skinner Quickly puts his hand over his mouth)
Principal Skinner: Uh, don't worry, sir. I'll teach these children some respect for their town. I'm assigning each of you 20 hours of Community Service.
(the children walk offstage, groaning and moaning)
Ralph: Intercourse?
Superintendent Chalmers: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to my vacation at Lake Titicaca. Try to make a joke out of that, Mr. Smart Guy.
(Bart looks at Skinner, and Skinner waves his hands "no")

Monty Can't Buy Me Love [10.21]

Mr Burns: It's time to win the love of these hate-filled morons.

Mr Burns: Simpson! I want to be loved.
Homer: Well, I'll need some beer.

They Saved Lisa's Brain [10.22]

(Homer talks to the boudoir photographer over the phone)
Homer: You're not going to ask me to pose nude, are you?
Photographer: Well, yes, unless you have issues about revealing your body.
Homer: I don't, but the block association seems to. They wanted a "traditional" Santa.

Lisa: [writing her letter] We can better ourselves!
[Lisa then sees a naked Bart riding a pig in the hallway]
Lisa: [to herself] Well, most of us.

Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo [10.23]

PA: Welcome to Japan, folks. The local time is tomorrow.

Japanese toilet: Welcome. I am honored to accept your waste.
Homer: (gasps) They're years ahead of us!

Season 11

Beyond Blunderdome [11.01]

Mel Gibson: John Travolta flew me in his jet. Now I have to help him move next weekend. He deliberately waited 'til we were in the air to ask me!

Hannah: Oh, no! We killed Mel Gibson!
Christian: You all saw it. He came at me with a knife, right?

(Trio drives up to the dummy)

Milo: Hey, it's just a dummy.
Christian: I know but he sells tickets. (Hannah and Milo are confused) Let's go.

Brother's Little Helper [11.02]

Mark McGwire:Young Bart here is right. We are spying on you, pretty much around the clock.
Bart: But why, Mr. McGwire?
Mark McGwire: Do you want to know the terrifying truth, or do you want to see me sock a few dingers?
Crowd: Dingers! Dingers!

[Burns observes Bart's tank rampage through binoculars]
Burns: Smithers, we're at war!
Smithers: I'll begin profiteering, sir.
Burns: And hoarding! Leave it to the Democrats to let the Spaniards back in the pantry!

Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner? [11.03]

Homer: I smell cake! Cake that says (sniff sniff) "Farewell" and (sniff sniff) "Best Wishes"!
Nelson: Your old man has an awesome nose.
Bart: Oh, that's nothing. He can hear pudding.

man #1: everything's a rave; nine thumbs up? what the hell is that?!!


Newspaper editor: ...And to protect Mother Earth, each copy contains a certain percentage of recycled paper.
Lisa: And what percent is that?
Newspaper editor: Zero.
(Lisa frowns)
Newspaper editor: Zero’s a percent!

Treehouse of Horror X [11.04]

Tom Arnold: My shows weren't great, but I never tied people up and forced them to watch. And I could've, because I'm a big guy and I'm good with knots.

Homer: The sun?! That's the hottest place on Earth!

E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt) [11.05]

(after it's been decided that the family will live on Grampa's old farm)

Bart: I'll dig an outhouse!
Lisa: I'll weed the floor!
Marge: I'll repress the rage I'm feeling! (plasters a fake smile on her face)

(Homer is offering tomacco to Ralph Wiggum and his father, Police Chief Clancy Wiggum)

Homer: Try some, won't you?
Chief Wiggum: Go ahead, Ralphie; the stranger is offering you a treat!
Ralph Wiggum: (Takes a bit and immediately spits it out) Oh, Daddy, this tastes like Grandma!
Chief Wiggum: (Does the same) Holy Moses! It DOES tastes like Grandma!
Ralph Wiggum: I want more! (Starts devouring more tomacco)
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, me too; so we take a bushel or a peck, or...? Oh, just give 'em to me. (Joins his son)
Homer: (chuckles)

Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder [11.06]

(Homer tries to bond with Maggie by dressing up as a Teletubby)

Homer (in baby talk): Look, Maggie, I'm Homie-Womie, the Teletubby. (sternly): And I'm all man in case you heard otherwise!

Homer: [playing peek-a-boo] Where's Maggie? Where's Maggie? [uncovers his eyes] Hey, where is she?

Eight Misbehavin' [11.07]

(As Apu and Manjula await the results of the pregnancy test)
Apu: Here goes nothing.
Apu and Manjula: (as symbols appear on the tester) Baby... baby... lemon.
Manjula: All that sex for nothing.
Apu: Well, that is a pretty grim assessment.

(Apu is asleep with the babies)
Manjula: Apu, it's 4 am. You're late for work.
Apu: Oh. I just had the most beautiful dream where I died.
Manjula: Oh no you don't! Not til they're out of college.
Apu: Listen, I'll die when I want to!

Take My Wife, Sleaze [11.08]

Homer: The first meeting of Hell's Satans comes to order.
Flanders: I move that we reconsider our club name. Make it something a little less blasphemous. After all we don't want to go to hell.
Lenny: How about the Devil's Pals.
Flanders: No, see-
Moe: Or the Christ Punchers!

Meathook: (to Homer)There's only one reasonable way to settle this, you and me in the circle of death.
Marge: Ohh, I just swept the circle of death.

Grift of the Magi [11.09]

Gary Coleman: Well, well, if it isn't the biggest rip-off since "Webster."

Fat Tony: I don't get mad, I get stabby.

Principal Skinner: This is a proud day. Now when people ask if we're in compliance the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1975, I can say, we are closer than ever before!

Little Big Mom [11.10]

(Homer tries to remember what the ski instructor told him in an emergency, but his thoughts get invaded by Flanders showing off his new skiing attire.)
Flanders: Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all!
("Nothin' at all!" echoes several times.)
Homer: Stupid sexy Flanders... Ow, my legs! This is the worst pain ever!

Homer: Hello? Lollipop Land?

Faith Off [11.11]

Homer: (Cooking meat) Okay, who needs another lamb rack? (Marge and Bart nod no) Lisa? Ham hock, Try tip?
Lisa: Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?
Homer: Well I think the veal died of loneliness.

Bart: Hey Brother Faith, how did you get the bucket off my dad's head?
Brother Faith: Well I didn't son, you did. God has given you the power.
Bart: Really? Hmmm.. I would think he would want to limit my power.

The Mansion Family [11.12]

[Mr Burns is filling in a medical form.]
Mr Burns: Let's see, social security number: naught, naught, naught ... naught, naught ... naught, naught, naught, two. Damn Roosevelt! Cause of parents' death: got in my way.

Doctor: Mr. Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States. You have everything.
Mr. Burns: You mean I have pneumonia?
Doctor: Yes.
Mr. Burns: Juvenile diabetes?
Doctor: Yes.
Mr. Burns: Hysterical pregnancy?!
Doctor: Uh, a little bit, yes. You also have thousands of diseases that have just been discovered, in you.
Mr. Burns: You're sure you haven't just made thousands of mistakes?

Saddlesore Galactica [11.13]

Wiggum: This is clearly a case of animal cruelty. Uh, do you have a permit for that?
Barker: No problem, sir, it's in my car.
<gets in, and quickly drives off>
Lou:You've gotta stop being so trusting, Chief.
Chief Wiggum: I'd rather let a thousand guilty men go free than chase after them.

Chief Wiggum: All right, show's over, folks. I'm afraid this horse is going to the dog food factory.
Homer: Good luck getting a horse to eat dog food.

<The family sit at the kitchen table, Homer talks about Duncan loosing every race>
Homer: Thats it! If that horse does not start winning soon then we are going on a trip to the glue factory and he won't be invited!

<Homer enters Bart's room having just been confronted by a group of Elves who have told him to make Bart and the horse lose the race>
Homer: Bart don't ask me why but you have to lose the big race.
Bart: LOSE THE BIG RACE?! Are you crazy this is what Duncan has been working for.
Homer: I know son but I have a feeling we have been pushing him hard.
Bart: It's just one more race and I've got a good feeling about this one dad.
Homer: Oh ok son. Don't you worry, I'll deal with those murderous trolls...
<Homer slams his clenched fist into his other hand like Robin from the Batman TV series>
Bart: Erm...Dad what did you just say?
<Homer realises what he has said and quickly tries to correct himself>
Homer: I mean...I'll deal with those murderous trolls...
<Bart looks on as Homer leaves>

Alone Again, Natura-Diddily [11.14]

Homer: Now, now, now, don't beat yourself up. I'm the one who drove her out of her seat. I'm the one who provoked the lethal barrage of T-shirts. I'm the one who parked in the ambulance zone, preventing any possible resuscitation. [notices Ned glaring at him] Yeah, I, uh, but there's no point in playing the blame game.

Homer: I'm sure your wife is dating a lot of people in heaven!
Ned: Are you sure?
Homer: Positive, there's a lot of hot people up there. There's John Wayne, Tupac Shakur, Sherlock Holmes-
Ned: Ah, now Sherlock Holmes is a character.
Homer: Oh he sure was! [does a sexy growl]

Missionary: Impossible [11.15]

TV: You're watching PBS.
Bart: You're watching PBS?
Homer: Hey, I'm as surprised as you. But I've stumbled across a delicious new comedy about soccer hooligans. If they're not having a go with a bird, they're having a row with a wanker.

[Homer has just arrived on the island and he doesn't know what to do]'
Homer: But I don't know what to do!
Craig: Well, we taught them some English and we ridiculed away most of their beliefs. You can take it from there.

Pygmoelian [11.16]

Moe: (after looking at his face in the year's calendar) Am I really that ugly?
Carl: Moe, it's all relative. Just like, is Lenny that dumb? (Lenny gasps) Is Barney that drunk? (Barney gasps) Is Homer that lazy, bald, and fat? (Homer gasps)
Moe: Oh, God, this is worse than I thought! (He, Lenny, Barney, and Homer break down sobbing.)
Carl: (looking at the view of the camera) See, this is why I don't talk much.

Lisa: [reading from a sticker] A gay president for 2084?
Gay Man: We're realistic.

Bart to the Future [11.17]

Homer Simpson: Oh, what a bleak and horrible future we live in!
Bart Simpson: Don't you mean "present?"
Homer Simpson: Right, right. Present.

[The Simpsons have a family meal at the White House, now that Lisa is President.]
Marge Simpson: So, how was everyone's day?
Lisa Simpson: Appointed a Supreme Court justice.
Bart Simpson: Bewitched marathon.
Homer Simpson: Searched for Lincoln's gold.
Lisa Simpson: Dad, that's just a myth. Lincoln didn't bury any gold in the White House.
Homer Simpson: Then what is his ghost protecting?

Days of Wine and D'oh'ses [11.18]

(as Homer and Bart are "celebrating" Trash Night)

Homer: I can't believe I found this muscle shirt.
Bart: Dad, that's a sports bra.
Homer: All I know is that I'm getting the support I need.

Bart: You did it, Dad!
Homer: [drunk] You can't prove I did it.
Lisa: No, you saved our lives.
Homer: I could do a lot of things if I had some money.

Kill the Alligator and Run [11.19]

Doctor: What you need is a good, long rest. I suggest Florida.
Homer: Florida? But that's America's wang!
Doctor: They prefer, "The Sunshine State."

(Bart gets paid three dollars for delivering Homer's mail)

Bart: Hey, this isn't real. This is printed by the Montana Militia.
Homer (threateningly): It'll be real soon enough!

Homer: Arizona smells funny.

Last Tap Dance in Springfield [11.20]

Ralph: My daddy shoots people!

Homer: For an evening or a week, there's no place like the mall. Food, fun and fashion, the mall has it all.

It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge [11.21]

Sqeaky-Voiced Teen: And God said, "Gather two of every flavor, anoint them with sixty-two sauces, whipped cream, and nuts, and ye shall call it, 'The Ark'!

Ice Cream Store Clerk: [after Marge throws sprinkles at his eyes] I can only see a horrible rainbow!

Behind the Laughter [11.22]

Lisa: To prolong the run of the series, I was secretly given anti-growth hormones.
[Camera cuts to Homer]
Homer: That's ridiculous! How could I even get all five necessary drops into her cereal? [pause] What?

Homer Simpson: Why did I take such punishment? Let's just say that fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs.

Season 12

Treehouse of Horror XI [12.01]

Homer: Did you see that? I did the deed, open the gates!
St. Peter: [reading a newspaper] What? Oh sorry, I didn't see that.
Homer: What? I thought you guys saw everything!
St. Peter: No, you're thinking of Santa Claus.
Homer: Well I'll be damned!
St. Peter: Afraid so. [pulls a cord, sending Homer to Hell]

Dolphin: Your majesty! You're free at last!
Snorky: They made me do tricks like a common seal!

Snorky: Snork speak man... (coughs) Let me start over.

A Tale of Two Springfields [12.02]

Moe: Homer stole our rock performers! That fat, dumb, and bald guy sure plays some real hardball.

Bart: C'mon, Lis, there's gotta be a way to lure that badger out.
Lisa: Well, according to whatbadgerseat.com, badgers subsist primarily on a diet of stoats, voles, and marmots.
Bart: [hunts through the kitchen cabinets] Hmm, stoats... stoats ...
Lisa: Stoats are weasels, Bart. They don't come in cans.
Bart: Then what's this? [triumphantly holds up a can]
Lisa: That says corn, Bart.
Bart: Must you embarrass me?

Kent Brockman: [about "New Springfield"] Scientists say they're also less attractive physically, and while we speak in a well-educated manner they tend to use low-brow expressions like "oh yeah?" and "come here a minute!"
Homer: Oh yeah? They think they're better than us, huh?! Bart, come here a minute.
Bart: You come here a minute!
Homer: Oh yeah?

Insane Clown Poppy [12.03]

Stephen King: I'm working on a biography of Benjamin Franklin. He's a fascinating man. He discovered electricity and used it to torture small animals and innocent babies. And that key he tied to the end of a kite? It opened the gates of HELL!

Marge: Look, Maggie. Christopher Walken's reading "Goodnight Moon"!
Christopher Walken: "Goodnight room. Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon!" (children listening slowly back away terrified) Please, children, scootch closer. Don't make me tell you again about the scootching. You in the red, chop chop.

Marge: Homer that's not prayer that's gossip.
Homer: Fine I'll discuss heavenly matters. (to God) So how's Maude Flanders doing up there, is she playing the field? Heh heh. Really all those guys? (family stares at him in shock) Amen. (starts eating)

Krusty: Listen, kid, I'm not the kind of dad who, you know, does things, or says stuff or looks at ya. But the love is there!

Lisa the Tree Hugger [12.04]

Marge: Oh no! My baby's up there!
Lisa: It's okay, Mom! [holds up rope] I have a safety line!
Homer: [to Jesse:] This is your fault, with your non-threatening Bobby-Sherman-style good looks! No girl could resist your charms!
Jesse: This was her choice, Mr. Simpson.
Homer: I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I was lost in your eyes.

Jesse: I'm a level five vegan -- I won't eat anything that casts a shadow
Bart: I don't have a cap (to Marge)

Homer vs. Dignity [12.05]

Marge: When did we become the bottom rung of society?
Homer: I think it was when that cold snap killed off all the hobos.

Kent Brockman: Whether you're Christian, or just non-Jewish, everyone loves Santa Claus!

The Computer Wore Menace Shoes [12.06]

Number 2: (to his female assistant after Homer bursts a giant bubble designed to stop him leaving): Why did you think a big balloon would stop people?
Assistant: Shut up! That's why!

(Cameras go the police getting all of the old stuff and taking Apu into custody.)

Wiggum: In the interest of our public safety, we have confiscated every bagel, donut, cruder, and bearclaw in the city. And some coffee.
Phil: Yesterday, Mr. X reported that your own department-- (Cut off by Wiggum)
Wiggum: I know. I know. But, I can assure the police do not take prisoners out of their cells and race them... Anymore.
Phil: What about using the electric chair to cook chicken?
Wiggum: All right, this press conference is over!

The Great Money Caper [12.07]


Abe Simpson: This scam was in "The Sting Part 2," so nobody knows about it.

Abe Simpson: I can finally afford a crazy stripper wife!

Ralph Wiggum: [Covered in fake blood] I look like cable TV!

Skinner's Sense of Snow [12.08]

Kent Brockman: Roads closed, pipes frozen, albinos...virtually invisible. The National Weather Service has upgraded Springfield's blizzard from "Winter Wonderland" to a "Class 3 Kill-Storm"!
Marge: I don't like the sound of that "class 3".

Marge: This terrible! How will the kids get home?
Homer: I dunno. Internet?

Skinner: Yeech. It's getting ugly out there. What would Superintendent Chalmers do? (Chalmers appears in his mind)
Chalmers: Skinner!
Skinner: Eh, that's no good.

(Reading his permanent record)
Bart: 'Underachiever and proud of it." How old is this thing?

Nelson: (After finding Skinner) There you are! (Over walkie-talkie) Falcon to Eagle, have located Bag of Crap.
Skinner: Nelson, if you get me out of this I have a hall monitor position opening in the Spring.
Nelson: I spit on your monitors.
Skinner: I know. That's why the position's avalible.

(After a salt silo gets knocked down caused by Homer and Ned)

Nelson: What was that?
Lisa: It sounded like a silo tipping over.
Bart: Look, the snow's melting! (Martin licks the melted snow)
Martin: With a little help from our friend, sodium chloride! (Nelson begins to punch him, and Nibbles, the hamster comes to Skinner, in a Gym Dodge ball sack)
Skinner: You did it, Nibbles! Now, chew through my ball sack.
Nibbles: Huh? (Chalmers comes in a snow moblie)
Chalmers: Skinner!
Skinner: Oh, Superintendent Chalmers!
Chalmers: What are you doing in that ridiculous duffel, Seymour? And is that burning literature I smell?
Skinner: Uh- W-W-Well, sir, I, uh-
Chalmers: There'd better be a good explanation for this.
Bart: There is, sir.
Chalmers: Ah, then I'm happy. (He speeds away on a snow moblie)

HOMЯ [12.09]

Doctor: Mr. Simpson, this procedure could drastically increase your brain power, or it could possibly kill you.
Homer: Hmmm... Increase my killing power, eh? Let's do it!

(Homer is checking his stocks on the phone, using an automated system that responds to the name of the corporation with the stock results)
Voice: For automated stock prices, please state the company name.
Homer: Animotion.
Voice: Animotion: up one and one eighth.
Homer: Yahoo!
Voice: Yahoo: up six and a quarter.
Homer: Huh, what is this crap?
Voice: Fox Broadcasting: down eight.
(Homer grins with satisfaction)

(Marge is reassuring Lisa about the missing crayon.)
Marge: Sweetheart, a missing crayon could be anywhere.
Homer:(crashes through the window.) Who wants lottery tickets?
Marge: Okay. It's in his brain.

Pokey Mom [12.10]

Jack: Uh, which way's Mecca, I need to pray.
Marge: Mecca?
Jack: I'm just kidding. I'm Jewish.

Lisa: So how was it in the slammer?
Marge: Terrific. Bart, Sideshow Bob says he'll be seeing you real soon.
Bart: (Chuckles) That Bob.

Worst Episode Ever [12.11]

[Ralph enters the "Adults Only" section of the Android's Dungeon.]
Ralph: Everybody's hugging!

Comic Book Guy: I'll pass. Beer is the nectar of the nitwit.
Carl: Hey, you knocking beer?
Lenny: Nobody bad mouths Duff!
(Breaks a Duff bottle against the counter causing the whole bottle to break off)
Lenny: Ahhh, piece of crap.
Homer: Come on, you're here to make friends.
Comic Book Guy: Oh please. If I wanted to hear mindless droning I would befriend an air conditioner.
Moe: Oh now he's ragging on air conditioners.
Carl: Hey they keep us cool in the summer pal!

Tennis the Menace [12.12]

Homer: It'll be nice to entertain friends and have people over.
Flanders: Hey ya got a tennis court?
Homer: Keep walking Flanders.
Flanders: Will do.
Homer: Faster!

Kent Brockman: That's game set and match, but the real winner here are Marge's hors d'oeuvres.
Homer: Wow, how do you come up with such witty remarks?
Kent Brockman: (nervous laughing) Well... (Zoom's in on Brockman's ear piece, static is heard)
(Shows a car outside where two writers are typing)
Writer 1: Come on hurry up. (Writer 2 gives him a newly typed note) I guess you could say it's my racket.
Kent Brockman: I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.
Homer: (gasps) (threatening tone) Get off my property.

Day of the Jackanapes [12.13]

Marge: I think it's good for a show to retire before it gets old and stale.
Smithers: (walks in tired) Maggie shot Mr.Burns again!
(the family stares blankly at Smithers)

Sideshow Bob is trying to hypnotise Bart
Sideshow Bob: You are in my power.
Bart: I am at your command.
Sideshow Bob: I didn't say anything about command. If you are in my power, say so.
Bart: I am in your power.
Sideshow Bob: Excellent. Actually, go back to command. No... power, power!

Sideshow Bob: Rakes! My old archenemy
Bart: I thought I was your old archenemy?
Sideshow Bob: I have a life outside you, you know.

New Kids on the Blecch [12.14]

Bart: Who are you?
L.T. Smash: Aw, you'll find out in due time.
Bart: <reading an ID badge hanging from the mirror> Well, it says here your name is L. T. Smash.
L.T. Smash: The time has come. I'm L. T. Smash.

L.T. Smash: I want you to meet and greet the other members of the Party Posse. He's smart, he's soulful, he's Milhouse!
<someone spins a chair around to reveal Milhouse, with a new haircut and hipper clothing>
Milhouse: What up, G-money?
L.T. Smash: Next: He'll break your nose, your glasses, and your heart - Nelson.
<spins chair to reveal Nelson>
Bart: Wait, these are just guys from school. Who's next, Ralph Wiggum?
Ralph: <spins his own chair around> Whee! I'm a pop sensation!

Hungry, Hungry Homer [12.15]

Homer: Who are you?
Ghost of César Chávez: I am the spirit of César Chávez.
Homer: Then why do you look like César Romero?
Ghost of César Chávez: Because you don't know what César Chávez looks like.

Albuquerque Mayor: See how much Dallas wants for the Cowboys..
Assistant: That's a football team, sir.
Albuquerque Mayor: They'll play what I tell them to play...for I am the mayor of Albuquerque!

Bye Bye Nerdie [12.16]

(after Lisa gets punched in the face by the new girl in school)

Homer: Oh, Lisa, I know how you feel. Did you know that when I was in grade school, I had a bully problem myself?
(whip pan past a screen full of hippie daisies and psychedelic colors to the 1970s where a preteen Homer has a preteen Smithers pinned to a wall of lockers with his fist drawn back)
Teenage Homer (singing): Everybody was (as he's punching Smithers in the stomach): kung-fu-fighting!
(Smithers moans as a preteen Barney Gumble accompanies Homer's singing with a few notes on his recorder)
Teenage Homer (continues singing): Those cats were (as he's punching Smithers in the stomach again): fast-as-lightning!
(Smithers moans again. Homer finishes off his performance by punching the glasses off Smithers' face)
Homer: (Chuckles) Good times.

Simpson Safari [12.17]

Homer: Okay, here's the situation: We're hopelessly lost and about to die.
(a crocodile roars up from the river. The family screams)
Homer: Don't worry! Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep... in a giant blender.

Homer: 'Gopher jerky'? 'Cream of Toast'? Where do we get this crap?
Marge: Mostly they were from relatives who couldn't see very well.

Trilogy of Error [12.18]

Wiggum: [answering phone] 9-1-1. This'd better be good.
Marge: I just cut off my husband's thumb!
Wiggum: ATTEMPTED MURDER?! YOU'LL BURN FOR THIS! BURN IN JAIL!
Marge: It was an accident!
Wiggum: Yeah, yeah. Save it for "Dateline: Tuesday." Uh, what's your address so I can come arrest you?
Marge: Arrest me? Um, my address, it's um, 1-2-3 ... Fake Street.
Wiggum: [writing address down] 1-2-3 Fake Street. Okay see you soon!

Dr. Nick Riviera: Inflammable means flammable? What a country!

Homer: Linguo dead.

Linguo: Linguo IS dead.

I'm Goin' to Praiseland [12.19]

Rich Texan: May the Lord have mercy on your gas-sniffin' orphan-beatin' souls.
Homer: Christ be with you.

Children of a Lesser Clod [12.20]

Homer: [in a video of him chasing Bart down the street with a chain mace] I'LL MACE YOU GOOD!
Bart: AAAAAHHH!!
Homer: Hey! That is completely taken out of context.

(Flanders comes over to pick up Rod and Todd)

Flanders: So, did you boys have a good time?
Rod: Yeah, Mr. Simpson was really funny.
Todd: He told us how the world keeps screwing him over.

Simpsons Tall Tales [12.21]

Hobo: Don't worry, I'm not a stabbing hobo, I'm a singing hobo. (picks up his banjo and begins to sing) Nothin' beats the hobo life / Stabbin' folks with my hobo knife! I gouge them--
Marge: Could you sing something a little less mind raffling?
Hobo: Okay. Why don't you listen to my story that's ten stories tall, about a man named Bunyan comma Paul!

Season 13

Treehouse of Horror XII [13.1]

Homer: Ah, Ethnictown. Where hard-working immigrants dream of becoming lazy, overfed Americans.

Bart: Awww, we're all out of milk!
Lisa: [takes wand out] Abra-Ka-Dairy. [milk appears out of thin air and pours into Bart's cereal]
Marge: [rushes in] Come on kids, we're gonna be late for wizards' school!
Lisa: [points wand at clock] Five-Minutes-Morious. [clock goes back five minutes]
Marge: [worried, looking at the clock] That can't be good for the clock.

The Parent Rap [13.2]

Harm: Silence in my courtroom! [reads docket] Grand theft auto?
Bart: It was an accident, ma'am.

Homer the Moe [13.3]

Moe: Ah, who am I kidding. I ain't smiled for real since I nailed that rat with the icepick. Heh. Remember that?
Homer: That was an amazing throw.

[As guards come to throw Homer out of Moe's newly-modernised tavern]
Homer: I'll throw myself out, thank you.
[He grabs his shirt collar, yanks himself toward the front door, and tosses himself to the street]
Homer: I believe I had a hat!
[Someone throws him a hat]
Homer: SUCKERS!!! [runs away laughing]

[Homer, Lenny and Carl are singing along to the tune of 'I Love Rock & Roll' by Joan Jett]
I won't drink at Moe's!
Homer's old garage is all I need!
I won't drink at Moe's...
Homer: 'Cause Moe's a big jerk and a she-male too!

R.E.M. are playing in Homer's garage. Homer is singing along to ' It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)']
Homer: Leonardo What's-His-Name, Herman Munster, motorcade, birthday parties, Cheetos, pogo sticks and lemonade!
You symbiotic, stupid jerk! That's right, Flanders, I am talking about you!

A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love [13.4]

Mr. Burns: I don't understand. She was my young sexy fiance and he was my sexually virile best friend and they just drove off in my Bugatti Sexarossa.
Kent Brockman: Well, according to our audience insta-poll, 46% say "You're too old", and 37% say "She's a skank!".

(At Snake's hideout)
Homer: Wow, who do you have to kill to get a place like this?
Snake: I think his name was "Gustafsson."

The Blunder Years [13.5]

Lenny: Is that Wacky Tobacky?
Fat Tony: The wackiest.

Marge: You found a corpse when you were twelve? No wonder you've been so traumatized.
Homer: It's responsible for everything wrong in my life...my occasional overeating...my fear of corpses!

She of Little Faith [13.6]

Nelson: Hey Simpson, I hear your sister dumped Christianity!
Bart: Who cares?
Dolph: I'll tell you someone who cares. He's got long hair, works as a carpenter, has a lot of crazy ideas about love and brotherhood!
Jimbo: His name's Gunner and he's dating my mom. Sometimes he buys us beer.
Bart: I thought Kearney was dating your mom.
Kearney: Hey, she came on to me. (The bullies -- and Bart -- pummel Kearney)

Lisa: I'm not gonna pick a religion just because it sounds cool.
Bart: How about Judaism? When you turn thirteen, cha-ching!

Brawl in the Family [13.7]

Willie: [acid rain is falling; singing] I'm singin' in the rain! Just singin' in the rain! What a glorious feeling -- argh! [collapses on the ground, as his overalls dissolve] It burns like a Glasgow bikini wax!

Homer: [drunk] Look, the think about my family is, there's five of us: Marge, Bart, girl-Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him. [falls off the barstool]

Sweets and Sour Marge [13.8]

Suicidal man: Good bye, cruel world. (lands on human ball) Hello, ironic twist.

Homer: (After being told Springfield is now officially "the world's fattest city" and looking directly into the camera) In your face, Milwaukee!!

Jaws Wired Shut [13.09]

(During the "Soccer Mummy" preview, on the part where Soccer Mummy [Ed O'Neill] is at a soccer game and gets distracted by a cheering woman's bouncing breasts)

Team Mate: "Oh no! The professor told us not to let him get a boner!"
(A ripping sound is heard. Soccer Mummy looks down and shrugs)

Homer: Looks like I need some fuel for me mule, gas for me ass! (Popeye-like laughter)

Half-Decent Proposal [13.10]

The Bart Wants What It Wants [13.11]

Bart: So to win Greta back, I have to go to Toronto.
Homer: Canada? Why should we leave America to visit America Junior?

Lisa: [As Homer is about to cross the road]" Dad, no! The sign says 'Don't walk'!
Homer: That's okay, they have free health care. "[Gets sent flying by an oncoming car]" I'm rich!

The Lastest Gun in the West [13.12]

[Bart enters the classroom in torn clothes]
Nelson: Ha ha, Bart's family is poor!

Buck McCoy: Goodbye Bart, never bother me again!

The Old Man and the Key [13.13]

Bronson Son: Hey ma, how bout some cookies?
Bronson Mom: No dice.
Bronson Son: This ain't over...

Tales from the Public Domain [13.14]

Suitor (Krusty): We came here when Helen of Troy was hot!
Helen of Troy (Agnes)a la Phyllis Diller: This is the face that launched a thousand ships... the other way!

Lisa: [gasps] What happened Dad? They didn't really burn her did they?
Marge: [hastily grabs the Book from Homer] Of course not, Honey. "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a space ship. The End."[ Tears out the page and begins eating it] Well, it's easier to chew than that Bambi video.

Discus Stu: Discus Stu has ouzo for two-zo.
Marge: No, Thanks.
Discus Stu: [motioning to Bart] Discus Stu was talking to you.

Blame it on Lisa [13.15]

Homer: Can you let me out of the boat?
Brazilian Kidnapper: What for?
Homer: [Whining]I have to go.
Brazilian Kidnapper: [Agitated Tone] Again?
Homer: I'm sorry, I have a bladder the size of a Brazil nut.
Brazilian Kidnapper: We just call them nuts here.

Dance Instructor: Here is where we invented the Lambada and the Macarena. Now we are working on our new dance: La Penetrada! It makes Sex look like a church!

Weekend at Burnsie's [13.16]

[Homer is naming off the crows in his bedroom]

Marge: Homer, I'm not sure I'm comfortable sleeping with a group of crows in the bedroom in the night...
Homer: It's a murder, honey. A group of crows is called a murder.
Marge: I'm going to go sleep on the couch tonight.

Burns: Smithers, you could learn a thing or two from this braying moron. (to Homer) Young man, I'm making you my executive vice president.
Smithers: Uh, sir, I believe that position was informally promised to me.
Burns: Oh, Smithers. I would have said anything to get your stem cells.

[Homer comes home with a new suit]

Marge: Homer! Where have you got that suit?
Homer: Well I got news for you! I just got a promotion and it is all thanks to yes-I-cannabis! (Homer walks away) ... We have a kitchen?!

Gump Roast [13.17]

Flanders: (singing) The Camptown Ladies sing this song, Do Dah Do Dah...
Rvd Lovejoy: (singing) Homer Simpson's breath is strong, oh...
Flanders: No! thats not the words!
Rvd Lovejoy: But Ned, Its true
Flanders: I don't care, now lets take it from the top. (sings) The Camptown Ladies sing this song, Do Dah Do Dah...
Rvd Lovejoy: The Camptown Racetracks 5 miles long...
Flanders: Thats better
Rvd Lovejoy: ...Homer's breath smells bad!

End Titles Singer:
Ullman shorts, Christmas show, Marge's fling, Homer's bro
Bart in well, Flanders fails, whacking snakes, monorail
Mr. Plow, Homer space, Sideshow Bob steps on rakes
Lisa's future, Selma's hubby, Marge not proud, Homer chubby
Homer worries Bart is gay, Poochie, U2, NRA
Hippies, Vegas, and Japan, octuplets, Bart's boy band
Marge murmers, Maude croaks, Lisa Buddhist, Homer tokes
Maggie blows Burns away, what else do I have to say?
What else do I have to say?!
They'll never stop the Simpso-oons,
Have no fears, we've got stories for years
Like, Marge becomes a robo-oot
Maybe Moe gets a cell phone
Has Bart ever owned a bear? Or,
How 'bout a crazy weddi-iing?
Where something happens, and do do do-do do
Sorry for the clip sho-oow
Have no fears, we've got stories for years

I am Furious Yellow [13.18]

Groundskeeper Seamus: This be your doing Willie, I'll turn your groin to puddin'
Groundskeeper Willie: Ach, you speak like a poet, but you punch like one too!

Bart: Wow, Stan Lee came back?
Comic Book Guy: Stan Lee never left, and I'm beginning to think his mind is no longer in mint condition.

The Sweetest Apu [13.19]

Homer: Thanks. Are you sure you don't want to come? In a Civil War re-enactment we need lots of Indians to shoot.
Apu: I don't know what part of that sentence to correct first, but I cannot come.

[At the Civil War reenactment, Dr. Hibbert's horse takes off.])
Dr. Hibbert: For me, the war is over!
Disco Stu (as Stonewall Jackson): The South will boogie again!

Little Girl in the Big Ten [13.20]

Ralph Wiggum: Why do people run away from me? [wets his pants, then smiles]

Homer: [singing while drunk] I get knocked down/I get knocked down again/You're never gonna knock me down/I take a whiskey drink/I take a chocolate drink/and when I have to pee/I use the kitchen sink/I sing the song that reminds me I'm a urinating guy...

The Frying Game [13.21]

Carmen Electra: My face is up here, Homer.
Homer: (looking at Carmen's breasts) I've made my choice.

Homer: You know, if you let us go, there's a diamond necklace in it for you.
Wiggum: I hope you're not suggesting that I would take that necklace as a bribe. Think again, dirtbag, cause I can swipe it later from the evidence locker.

Papa's Got a Brand New Badge [13.22]

Bart: Cool, a lie detector.
[Bart puts on the lie detector and a results sheet prints out as he speaks]
Bart: Lisa is a dork. Lisa is a dork.
Lisa: Dad, make him stop.
[Homer looks at the results sheet]
Homer: Hmm... According to this, he's telling the truth.

Homer: Do You Sell Hats?
Wooly Bully Store Clerk: Yeah
Homer: To People?
Wooly Bully Store Clerk: Maybe.
Homer: People With Heads?
Wooly Bully Store Clerk: Sometimes...

Season 14

Treehouse of Horror XIII [14.01]

William Bonney (Billy the Kid) and his evil gang of undead henchmen have risen from the ground.
Billy: Now I'd like you to meet the hole-in-the-ground gang!
Townspeople: [Gasp]
Billy: Frank an' Jesse James!
Townspeople: [Gasp]
Billy:The Sundance Kid!
Townspeople: [Gasp]
Comic Book Guy: What happened to Butch Cassidy?
The Sundance Kid: (imitating) What happened to Butch Cassidy? We're not joined at the hip, you know!
Billy: And the most evil German of all time... Kaiser Wilhelm.
Townspeople: [Mutterings of "Who?"]
Frank James: He ain't no cowboy!
Wilhelm: Sure I am! [stops to think]...uh .. yippy wippy, wippy!
Frank: OK, he's in.

Billy the Kid: Now let's rob the bank, give the money to the poor, then rob the poor, and shoot the money!

[After other characters - who have been turned into 'manimals' by Dr. Hibbert - decide that they enjoy it]
Homer: YOU GUYS ARE NUTS! All you can do is eat, and sleep, and mate, and roll around in your own filth, and mate, and eat-- Where do I sign up?

How I Spent My Strummer Vacation [14.02]

(The Simpsons are gathered together, while watching Taxicab Conversations)
Wiseguy: Where to, pal?
Homer: (drunk) Talky thing, ain't ya?
Lisa: Another proud moment for the Simpsons.

(Homer is upset that the Rock n' Roll Fantasy Camp is over)
Mick Jagger: It's okay, Homer. It's only Rock n' Roll camp.
Homer: But I like it.

Bart vs. Lisa vs. The Third Grade [14.03]

Bart: [mockingly at Lisa] Ha Ha. They left without you.
Lisa: They left without you too, you idiot.
Bart: If I'm such an idiot, how come I'm the smartest kid in third grade?
Lisa: Because you've already done it once.
[Pause]
Bart: You've lost me.

Lisa: Hey... how do we get home?
Bart: No problem. We'll just circle around like those kids in the Blair Witch project.
[Bart walks off-screen. He immediately walks back into frame on the other side]
Bart: I must be getting close. [Points to Lisa] I recognize that girl.

Large Marge [14.04]

Homer: If Bart can be 'El Barto'...
["El Homo" is spraypainted on a wall]
Homosexual Latino: Oh sénor, if only I had your courage
Homer:Thanks [realizes what he just did] Oh, God!

Marge: Aaaaah! My maguppies just became bazongas!
Surgeon: Woah! Are those real?

Helter Shelter [14.05]

(as the Sarcastic Clerk is gnawing on the living room table)
Marge: Why do you always pick the cheapest service?
Homer: I go by how funny the sign is (indicates the "A Bug's Death" van outside the house)

(Bart uses a telegraph to message Moe, dressed as a telegraph clerk)
Moe: Telegram for Heywood U. Cuddleme. Heywood U. Cuddleme? Big guy in the back, "hey would you cuddle me"?
[a big man makes a threatening look while Lenny and Carl laugh]
Moe: [angry] Dude, that little!! [begins using the telegraph] I'm going to drive a Golden Spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific! STOP!
[at the other end, Bart laughs]

The Great Louse Detective [14.06]

Bart: Dad, how could you put my life in danger to save your own?!
Homer: You'll understand someday when you have kids!

[Homer's runaway King of Mardi Gras float is heading toward a building filled with swordfish.]
Lisa: (gasps) Dad's heading for the Swordfish Museum!
Marge: That museum's been nothing but trouble since it opened.

Special Edna [14.07]

(Little Richard is on stage)
Homer: Purple Rain!
Little Richard: SHUT UP!
Homer: (excited) Michael Jackson told me to shut up.

The Dad Who Knew Too Little [14.08]

Ralph Wiggum: Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school.
Dexter Colt: Yes, you already told me that. What else do you know?
Ralph: I once picked my nose 'til it bleeded.
Dexter: No, about Lisa!
Ralph: Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school.
Dexter: Forget it. Someone already worked this guy over.

Sheriff Lisa: I'll stop 'em, just as sure as my favorite book is...
Homer: (voiceover) Magazines! [snoring]
Bart: Dad, wake up!

Strong Arms of The Ma [14.09]

(Marge breaks a bottle and points it menacingly.)

Marge: Maybe death will stop your yammering!!

(Marge has destroyed Moe's Tavern and injured almost all of the barflies. She holds Lenny over her head as Homer comes out from hiding on the far end of the bar)

Homer: Marge?
(Marge turns around, breathing heavily and still holding Lenny over her head)
Homer (voice breaking): Somewhere in that sea of bull hormones is the sweet, wonderful girl I married. The woman who, instead of swatting a fly, would give it a bath and send it on its way. I'd sure like to go home and have Jiffy Pop with her.

Pray Anything [14.10]

Marge: You know, most people pray silently.
Homer: Marge he's way the hell up there.

Lisa: There are perfectly logical explanations for everything that happened. The bonfire sent soot into the air which created rain and with all the trees cut down a flood was inevitable.
Bart: Yeah but what made the rain stop?
Lisa: I don't know. Buddha?

Barting Over [14.11]

Marge: You're suing us?
Bart: That's right. I wanna be emancipated.
Homer: Emancipated? Don't you like being a dude?

Bart: Mom, you've always been cool to me. But, Homer is a lousy dad.
Homer: My dad was lousy and I didn't sue him, I just dumped him in the cheapest home I could find.

I'm Spelling as Fast as I Can [14.12]

Homer: Three ribwiches, please. And instead of a shake, I'd like a blended ribwich.
Cashier: I'm sorry sir, the ribwich was for a limited time only.
Homer: [banging fist on counter] Not again! First you take away my philly fudge steak, then my bacon balls, then my what-cha-ma-chicken. You monster... [walks away, then comes back to counter] I'd like a large fries please, and a collector's cup.
Ribhead: Dude, if you still want the ribwich, they're testing it in other markets. Check out the tour schedule! [shows back of his shirt with the tour schedule]

Homer: Maybe I should hook up with you guys. After all, how long do any of us have to live?
Ribhead: Well, if you like the ribwich, not very. [holds up ribwich box saying "WILL CAUSE EARLY DEATH"]
Homer: D'oh!

A Star is Born-Again [14.13]

Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington [14.14]

Krusty: just one thing, are u guys good at covering youthful and middle aged indiscretions?
Mr. Burns: are these indiscretions romantic, financial or treasonous
Krusty: russian hooker, you tell me

Marge: There must be some kind of solution that pleases everyone. From ducks and trees, to you's and me's...
Airport official: Are you threatening a government official?
Marge: No.
Airport official: Good. Because we're the government. We make the laws, we print the money, and we breed the supersoldiers. So go home, learn to live with it, pay your taxes, and remember: you didn't hear anything about supersoldiers.

Cletus: I like that clown. He's really lookin' out for me, the average Joe-Six Tooth.
Brandine: Where'd you get yourself another tooth?
Cletus: Sidewalk.

C.E. D'oh [14.15]

(Lenny and Carl are fighting one another with carbon rods, ala Star Wars series)
Lenny: I say Phantom Menace sucked more.
Carl: I say Attack of the Clones sucked more.

Homer: All my life I've had one dream: to piss off

'Scuse Me While I Miss the Sky [14.16]

Homer: I wish God were alive to see this.

Lisa: Now we nearly put this switch to "Overload". And once we do we'll be breaking the law. Can good truly come from civil disobediance? Gandhi thought so and (cut off by Bart)
Bart: Gandhi also said less talk more rock. (Pulls the switch beyond "Overload")
(Lights explode. The police come out armed)
Clancy Wiggum: Uh,oh. All of the lights are out. We need to get the entire force working on this.
Officer Lou: But Chief, we are the entire force.
Clancy Wiggum: Okay, we got to start recruiting, Lou.

Three Gays of the Condo [14.17]

Homer: Puzzle piece, come out and play-ay!

Lisa: Mom, I know dad cares about you, but his feelings are really hurt. Why don't you just say you're sorry?
Marge: Lisa, marriage is a beautiful thing, but it's also a constant battle for moral superiority. So I can't apologize.
Bart: Couldn't you just say you're sorry and not mean it. I do it all the time: I don't think I ever meant it.
Marge: Bart, that's not right.
Bart: Sorry Mom... See? It's that easy.

Dude, Where's My Ranch? [14.18]

Moe: [on radio, to tune of "More, More, More"]
Moe, Moe, Moe,
How do you like me? How do you like me?
Moe, Moe, Moe,
Why don't you like me? Nobody likes me...

Homer: Look at those city slickers with their stupid fur coats and pointy hats!
Marge: Homer, those are elk.
Homer: Well, I still hate them. Go back to Grosse Pointe!

Old Yeller Belly [14.19]

Homer: Don't worry son, I'll build you a new treehouse--One so grand it'll be an affront to God himself.
Bart: Can it have a ladder you can pull up after you?
Homer: Only if it's an affront to God.

Homer: Marge, prepare the emergency ham!
Marge: There is no ham.
Homer: (After falling) D'oh.

Brake My Wife, Please [14.20]

Moe: Maybe this is a sign. Maybe it's time for me to get out of the alcohol buisness, give barber college another try. And this time, I won't join a frat! [Looks around, realizes no one is there] Who am I talking to?

Homer: Psst. Bishop to Queen-4."
Old Man:"We're playing Dominoes."
Homer:"I said 'Bishop to Queen-4."

Bart of War [14.21]

Ralph Wiggum: [Gets thrown through The Simpsons' window with a note] I'm a brick!

Homer: What!? How could those stupid jarheads win?
Lisa: Who would want candy filled with laxatives?

Moe Baby Blues [14.22]

Toy Homer: I peed my pants....
Homer: I recorded that for private use!

Elmo Doll: *slaps Moe* No means no for Elmo!

Season 15

Treehouse of Horror XIV [15.1]

Young Frink Jr.: I don't wanna go on an expedition, father. I get seasick taking a shower. Clean, but nauseous.
Professor Frink Sr.: Clean but nauseous! With the rolling and the heaving, and the - you make me sick! You've disgraced the name of John Nerdelbaum Frink.
Young Frink Jr.: But, father, I...
[Frink Sr. leaves and Frink Jr. cries]

Professor Frink Jr.: Father, you're dying, but I can bring you back to life, sir.
Professor Frink Sr.: Son, it doesn't take 15 brains in your head to know thats a bad idea. You saw I had become a monster and you stopped me, like a man. I'm proud of you. Now it's time for me go to Hell. Ohh, eeh, aah. Aah, ooh, eeh. Dead. [moves weirdly and drops dead]
[Frink Jr. cries for his father's death]

My Mother the Carjacker [15.2]

Homer: [to Mona] Look, Mom! Look! I'm riding by myself! [enters a wrong lane and screams]

The President Wore Pearls [15.3]

Lisa: Nelson, you're running for school president?
Nelson: I'm not saying I have all the answers. But, I do have all the answer keys...to every test.
(A group of students and their teacher crowd around Nelson)
Nelson: Fractions, dinosaurs, foreign money, the first Thanksgiving...
Mrs. Krabappel: Nelson, what are you doing?
Nelson: Real-estate license exam?
Mrs. Krabappel: My ticket to freedom!

Marge: Lisa, what are you doing? This is the kind of trouble making I expect from your brother!
Bart: You do? Cool, a blank check for mayhem!

The Regina Monologues [15.4]

Marge: Tony, I mean, Mr. Prime Minister, what should we see first?
Tony Blair: There's so much to see here. Parliament, Stratford-on-Avon, White cliffs of Dover. Oh, and since you Americans love castles, there's a huge one in Edinburgh, the city where I was born.
Homer: The place where I was born is now a gator farm.
Tony Blair: Smashing.
Lisa: Maybe you could give us a personal tour of your country?
Tony Blair: I'd love to. But I'm late for an appointment. I'm greeting a lovely Dutch couple at Gate 23. Cheerio.
[puts on a jetpack and flies off, James Bond-style]
Homer: Wow, I can't believe we met Mr. Bean!

Marge: That was very sweet of the Queen, letting you go in exchange for taking Madonna back to America.
Madonna: I'm telling you! I'm English!
Marge: English women don't pump gas naked!

The Fat and the Furriest [15.05]

Today I am A Clown [15.06]

[A shot of a broken-down trailer. In front, a sign reads: "FOX Network World Headquarters." Inside, Krusty the Clown has a meeting with Fox executives.]
Krusty: Well, since I'm fresh out of options, I guess all that is left is for me to get a show on... ugh... Fox. What do you say?
Executive: I don't know...
Krusty: Oh, come on, you guys are famous for taking a chance on useless crap!

[Krusty is infuriated, because he doesn´t have a star on the Jewish walk of fame.]
Krusty: Why don´t I have a star?! I´m much better than... (squints) Chaim Potok?! What is he,a Klingon?!

'Tis the Fifteenth Season [15.07]

Krusty The Clown: Now in the spirit of the holiday season, start shopping! And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, "sick kids" may include hookers with a cold.
[Krusty chuckles]

[Homer is with Lenny and Carl at The Power Plant]
Carl: Hey, Homer. I'm your secret Santa. Merry Christmas, big guy.
[Lenny hands Homer a DVD player]
Homer: Oh, my god! A DVD player!
Carl: And the first season of Magnum P.I., with commentary by John Hillerman. Apparently, working in Hawaii was a pleasure.
Homer: Oh, Carl, you remembered I like TV.

Marge vs. Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens, and Gays [15.08]

Marge Simpson: My name is Marge Simpson, and I am a mother.
Meeting Crowd: BOO!
Marge: I'm also an American.
Meeting Crowd: YAY!
Marge: I bake apple pies.
Meeting Crowd: YAY!
Marge: And I like baseball.
Meeting Crowd: BOO!

Homer's Commercial: For more information, visit our website, www.aljazeera.com, we're not affiliated, we're just piggy-backing on their message boards. [Attempts to hypnotize the audience with a moving photo of Rudy Giuliani] I am Rudy Giuliani, do as I command you! [Yes on 232 flashes quickly, but visibly] I am Rudy Giuliani, do as I command you!

(Commercial against Children):
Fake Marge on TV: Now it's time to do some coke off the blade of a knife

I, (Annoyed Grunt)-Bot [15.09]

Lisa: I'm keeping you! You're Snowball V, but to save money on a new dish, we'll just call you Snowball II and pretend this whole thing never happened.
Principal Skinner: That's really a cheat, isn't it?
Lisa: I guess you're right, Principal Tamzarian.
Principal Skinner: I'll just be moving along, Lisa. Snowball II.

Diatribe of a Mad Housewife [15.10]

Flanders: Did you agree to be married to a drunken lout who wouldn't respect you?
Marge: Pretty much. We wrote our own vows.

Lisa: This is horrible! What if Dad reads it ("The Harpooned Heart")?
Bart: It's too long; he won't read it.
Lisa: Well, what if it gets made into a movie?
Bart: It's too sappy; he won't see it.
Lisa: Well, what if they do a parody about it on MADtv?
Bart: [gasps] We're doomed!

Homer: I'll have to read Marge's book, and I swore never to read again after "To Kill a Mocking Bird" gave me no useful advice on killing mocking birds. It did teach me not to judge a man based on the color of his skin, but what good does that do me?

Margical History Tour [15.11]

Ned Flanders/Sir Thomas More: (to Homer/Henry VIII) Divorce! Well, there's no such thing in the Cath-diddly-atholic Church! But it's the only church we got, so what are you gonna do?
Homer/Henry VIII: I'll start my own church!
Ned Flanders/Sir Thomas More: Whaaaaaaaa!?
Homer/Henry VIII: Yes, my own church. Where divorce will be so easy, more than half of all marriages will end in it!
Ned Flanders/Sir Thomas More: Your Majesty, I work for the Pope, and I think a celibate Italian weirdo knows a lot more about marriage than you.

Homer/Henry VIII (as aides are slicing his crown and other royal items in half): No fair! I invented divorce! How come you get half of everything?
Pasty-Faced Lawyer: You should have invented the pre-nup. Now, one half of your kingdom, please.
[Homer/Henry VIII holds up of map of the British Isles. He rips it in half and gives the left part to Marge/Margerine of Aragon]
Marge/Margerine of Aragon (groans): I get Ireland?
Homer/Henry VIII: Ha ha!

Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore [15.12]

Groundskeeper Willie: It won't last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies! Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!
Principal Skinner: You Scots sure are a contentious people.
Willie: You just made an enemy for life!

Billboard Homer sees while driving: Diamonds... because money equals love.

Smart and Smarter [15.13]

Simon Cowell: Well look who's back.. Pippy Non-Talking.
Lisa: Just because Maggie can't talk doesn't mean she's dumb. Einstein didn't speak until he was three.
Marge: And even then he could only speak German!

Simon: Meet Maggie Simpson, IQ 167.
Lisa: (agape) but, but my IQ is only 159!
Simon: (sarcastically) That's right, because 167 is a bigger number than 159. Do you see how that works?

The Ziff Who Came to Dinner [15.14]

Artie: Doesn't your father ever read to you?
Lisa: He tried once, but he got confused and thought the book was real. He's still searching for that chocolate factory. It consumes him.

Homer: Refuse to answer on the grounds that I what?!?
Lawyer: (whispers to Homer)
Homer: Inseminate myself? (to the Senate committee while pointing at his lawyer) Dudes, I think this guy's coming onto me.
Lawyer: You, sir, are a moron!
Homer: A Mormon? But I'm from Earth!

Co-Dependent's Day [15.15]

(Homer is on the phone with the rehab clinic)

Homer: I can't talk to my wife for 28 days? Sir, she is not an alcoholic. You can't put me on hold, I'll put you on hold. (singing) I am a lineman for the county. (speaking) Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold. (singing) And I drive the main road. (speaking) There are...eight... calls ahead of you. (singing) And the Wichita lineman is still on the li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-line.

Kent Brockman: (to himself as he smokes a cigarette) Oh god I love to smoke.(realizing the camera is on) We're live at latest opening of the epic space saga "Cosmic Wars". And the nerds emerge from their basements wearing strange costumes to shield their pasty skin from the moonlight

The Wandering Juvie [15.16]

Marge: (sobbing) My baby boy is in jail. I'm the worst mom in the world.
Homer: It's not all your fault. All of these years I've watched you turn our son into a time bomb and yet I did nothing. So...in a way, I too am a victim...of you.
(Marge continues sobbing)
Lisa: You're a great mom. You're always there for Bart with love and support. His acting out was caused by negative reinforcement!
Homer: Oh, I get it. Blame the strangler! Hmph! Hmph! Hmph!

Mayor Quimby arrives at Bart's fake wedding with a young woman.

Quimby: Remember, if anyone asks, you're my niece from out of town.
Young Woman: I am your niece Uncle Joe.
Quimby: realizing Good Lord! I'm an abomination!

Warden: So, why do you want to be a guard here?
Homer: I believe the children are the future... Unless we stop them now!
Warden: Welcome aboard. (Holds a nightstick) This ends for beatin. This ends for holdin.
Homer: When does training start?
Warden: It just finished.

My Big Fat Geek Wedding [15.17]

[at Moe's]
Skinner: Homer, this bachelor party seems to have peaked. Could you please return my pants and/or underpants so I can go home?
Homer: Come on, it's your last night of freedom. You gotta have some fun!
Skinner: Who are all of you people?
Carl: We're your buddies! Now come on, Homer's kid's principal, have a beer.
Skinner: I can't; I might be called upon to give directions later.
Superintendent Chalmers: SKINNER! You were asked to chug-a-lug, and a-lug you shall chug!
Skinner: [chugs beer] There's something I've wanted to say to you for a long time! Am I a good principal?
Chalmers: You're the best we could get with the funds at our disposal.
[everyone cheers]

Homer: Why are you dressed as Catwoman?
Skinner: (Dressed like Catwoman à la Batman Returns) They told me it was Catman!

Catch 'em If You Can [15.18]

Moe: [emerging from "Adult Video section"] Oh yeah. Brideshead's gonna get revisited tonight, baby!

Bart: [Looking on an airline computer] Well, it says here that Mom and Homer are going to Los Angeles, [Types on computer] But their luggage isn't! [Laughs] And Homer gets a low-fat meal!

[Camera cuts to a plane flying]

Homer: [From inside the plane] NOOOOOOOO!!!!

Squeaky Voiced Teen: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. The computer says that the movie Chocolate Star Wars doesn't exist.
Homer: I say you don't exist!
Squeaky Voiced Teen: No, I'm right here under "staff."

Simple Simpson [15.19]

Host of Promiscuous Idiot's Island: Now, ladies, when you agreed to do this show, you were told you would be living with a millionaire on his private island. Well, I'm afraid we've misled you. (the women gasp)
Marge (watching show): Get ready, skanks! Here comes the Truth Train!
Host: This isn't an island at all. It's a peninsula!
Woman 1: (walking away) This was supposed to be about trust!
Woman 2 (crying): I just want to get on that boat and go home!
Host: Well, you don't need a boat, because you can walk.

Rich Texan: (after seeing Lisa's place setting contest entry) Lordy, girl! Your entry stinks like the south end of a northbound mule.

Homer: It's time to take him down a peg. Or should I say down a pie?

Lisa: No, I think the expression is peg.

Homer: Maybe you're right Lisa. Maybe you're pie. Pie be your pie.

The Way We Weren't [15.20]

Camp Land-a-man instructor: Excellent. Girls, see how Marge's legs are slanted? You make Jackie O look like a splay-legged milkhorse. Now stand and walk.
(girl Marge walks in an uncomfortable, "proper" manner)
Instructor: Well done. I'd be proud if you grew up to be my husband's mistress.

Camp Flab-away instructor: So, you thought you could make a break for it, did you? Well, no one ever escapes from fat camp. 'Cause the only way out is up a gentle slope.

Bart-Mangled Banner [15.21]

Willie: I know what you're hiding, lad. Willie's been deaf since the boiler explosion of 88. But I've taught myself to read lips.
Guy: Morning, Willie!
Willie: What did you say about my mother!? For your information her feet stank cause she works in manure all day, but it's still the best damn Starbucks in Glasgow.

Rich Texan: How dare he?! That's the flag my grandpappy rebelled against!

Lisa: [As the Simpsons swim away from Alcatraz] Swim for San Fransisco!
Homer: We're not made of money! We'll swim for Oakland!

Fraudcast News [15.22]

Homer: See Lisa, instead of one big-shot controlling all the media, now there's a thousand freaks xeroxing their worthless opinions.

Mr. Burns: This is an outrage. Since when are public figures fair game for satire?
Smithers: Well your goons did run her off the road sir.
Mr. Burns: I can't be held responsible for what my goons were ordered to do.

Season 16

Treehouse of Horror XV [16.01]

Bart (being burned on a frying pan by Kang and Kodos): "Am I the only one here who's in horrible pain?"
Homer (being chopped on a frozen dish): "You're the only one who won't shut up about it!"

Ned has shot Homer, who wobbles back and forth and finally falls next to the core destruct button.
Ned:sighs in relief.
Homer's tongue flops on to the button and presses it.
Ned: Oh, YOU STUPID SON-OF-A...!
Springfield blows up.

Homer: "CAPTAIN!"
Lisa: "SCIENCE OFFICER!"
Bart: "SECURITY!"
Marge: "MARGE!"

All's Fair in Oven War [16.02]

Bart: [reading] Canned and frozen juices are more popular than ever these days, but most bachelors we know would prefer to squeeze their own tomatoes.

Homer: Okay, why do you think your mother and I sleep in the same bed?
Bart: Because we're poor?
Homer: Exactly, and we're poor because we have kids. And the biological method by which children are created by a man and a woman is...
[cut to outside of the treehouse; Bart can be heard screaming, and runs to Milhouse's house]
Bart: And then the man.
[Bart and Milhouse can be heard screaming; they run to other children's houses]
Both: And then the woman.
[Bart and Milhouse can be heard screaming, and run to two more houses, screaming and many kids run to many houses]
Homer: Well, better they hear it from me, now, than from their parents when they're old enough.

Sleeping With the Enemy [16.03]

(Homer making a sketch of himself for Lisa, in explaining "the Simpson butt")
Homer: Every Simpson starts with a circle. Daddy has one big circle here...(belly)...then a smaller one up here...(chest)...two big, sexy circles for eyes, one macho muzzle...then a snappy new outfit. Ooh, I'm looking good. [draws pants] Ooh, cuffs, yeah. And for some reason, my hair and ear form an "M" and a "G". [finishes sketch]

Bart: (when he sees Nelson helping Marge out with the garden) My mother... My bully... My God!!!

She Used to Be My Girl [16.04]

Marge: You know Chloe some of us stayed in this town and made it a better place.
Homer: Oh come on Marge, the only reason we don't move out of this dung hill is because of my court ordered ankle bracelet. (Reveals a beeping bracelet on his right ankle) I'm here! I'm here! Quit bugging me.
Marge: Why do you always have to show that to company?
Homer: It's a conversation starter. (short pause)
Marge: (moans)

Marge: I would've followed Chloe, but my plans changed when God brought me a wonderful little boy. Bart stop that!
(Shows Bart cutting the TV with a saw)
Bart: This isn't what it looks like. (continues sawing)

Fat Man and Little Boy [16.05]

(Bart has written "Adults suck, then you are one" on his T-shirt)
Marge: Bart! Someone wrote something cynical on your shirt. Let me wash it off.
Bart: Leave me alone. This expresses my rage at the machine.
Marge: Well I like t-shirts with a nice joke, like "Support our troops".
Homer: Bart's shirt is a classic, Marge, just like "Keep on truckin" - as if I would ever want to stop truckin'.

Homer: Maybe the internet can help me out. It sure gave some good advice on wang enhancement. Okay, www.nuclearsecrets.com. "Are you a terrorist?" No. "Would you like to meet someone new, but are tired of the bar scene?" No! I will never tire of the bar scene!

(Homer has created a working nuclear reactor)
Lisa: Mom, Dad created a device that could be dangerous in the wrong hands. And HE'S holding it!

Midnight Rx [16.06]

(During the couch gag: the music is absent as the Simpsons sit on the couch as normal. Nothing happens. Lisa then looks at the camera)

Lisa: What? Can't we sit on the couch without something happening?
(Just then, a spear comes hurtling at Homer and impales him in the chest. The family stares in shock)
Homer: D'OH!

[Homer and Grampa arrive at the border. Homer is dressed in Mexican clothing, including a sombrero]

Homer: [To border patrol] Hola senor! We are gringo and wish to spend mucho dinero in your country.
Border Patrol: Splendid! Welcome to Canada!
Homer: D'OH!

Mr. Burns: Fear not Smithers! I'll move heaven and earth to save you! It's still easier then teaching a new assistant my filing system.

Apu: [While they ride to Canada] Homer! Please tell Mr. Ned to stop trying to convert me!
Ned Flanders: I was just saying how brave he is to worship a false god!
Apu: I do not worship one god, okay? I worship a whole super team of deities that-[Flanders pinches] Ow! Okay, he just pinched me!
Ned Flanders: Where's your super team, now?
Homer: Listen, you two! I'll you both who the real God is, if you're both quiet for the rest of the trip! [Ned and Apu protest] Okay, I'm coming back there! [Leaves driver's wheel to go to the back seat. The van swerves uncontrollably through traffic]

[After Homer and Grampa are arrested for smuggling in Canada]
Canadian Official 1: We have confiscated your car and contents
Canadian Offical 2: Repeats sentence in French
Canadian Offical 1: You may leave Canada, but never return
Candian Offical 2: Repeats sentence in French
Canadian Offical 1: I am a big fat French idiot
Candian Official 2: Je suis un grand gros...hey!

Mommie Beerest [16.07]

Homer's Business Card: (Gives to Marge in case she wanted to cheat on Moe)
Homer Simpson Plus Size Butt Model

Homer: Marge, you can't go with me to Moe's. I mean, how would you like it if I came with you to your mother's?
Marge: I would like it. You never come with me to my mother's.
Homer: That's because I hate her.

Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass [16.08]

Crazy Cat Lady: Ugh, this whole place is disgusting!
Marge: I agree. [turns around] Hey, aren't you that crazy cat lady!?
Crazy Cat Lady: Yes I am, but thanks to this psycho-active medication, I enjoy brief moments of lucidity!
Marge: Those are just Reese's Pieces!

[Crazy Cat Lady abruptly resumes her normal behaviour, screaming gibberish and hurling cats]

Homer: The Internet wasn't created for mockery. It was supposed to help researchers at different universities share data sets. It was.

Homer: I'm the worst thing to happen to sports since Fox.

Comic Book Guy: "My name is Jeff Albertson, but everybody calls me 'Comic Book Guy'."
Ned Flanders: "Well I'll just call you friend!"

Pranksta Rap [16.09]

Bart: (gulps) Time to face my punishment like a man, or find my way out of it like a kid!

Wiggum: Lou, you're promoted to chief of police.
Lou: Sweet.
Wiggum: And Eddie, you're promoted to Lou.
Eddie: Nice. And, uh, who's gonna be Eddie?
Wiggum: We don't need an Eddie.

There's Something About Marrying [16.10]

Bart: Is this one of those reality deals where a guy gets a million bucks for marrying Aunt Patty but they have to honeymoon in a box full of snakes?
Homer: Son, that's the stupidest idea I ever heard... and I know exactly who would pay top dollar for it! (picks up phone and dials)
Phone: You've reached FOX. If you're pitching a show where gold-digging skanks get what's coming to them, press 1. If you're pitching a rip-off of another network's reality show, press 2. Please stay on the line - your half-baked ideas are all we've got.

Krusty: I want to clear up a misconception about the Wha-Cha-Ma-Carcass Sandwich. I used non-diseased meat from diseased animals! Everyone does it!

On a Clear Day I Can't See My Sister [16.11]

Sprawl Mart Boss: You're on fire, not like that useless old man.
Homer: Hey, that useless old man happens to be my father! Please continue.

Sprawl Mart Boss: If you don't work all night then we're deport you back to Mexico.
Homer: But I'm an American citizen.
Sprawl Mart Boss: Oh, really, Senor Homer? (Holds a forged ID card claiming Homer is Mexican)
Homer: Dios mio.

Goo Goo Gai Pan [16.12]

Chinese Bart: (the real Bart was kidnapped) Feast on my shorts, you stupid American father!

Madam Wu: Very well, you may keep the child. But, you! Put that panda down!
Homer: But it loves me. [The baby panda bites him.] Why you little-- [Homer starts strangling the baby panda.] I'll endanger you!
[The mother panda comes and strangles Homer while Homer strangles the baby panda.]

Mobile Homer [16.13]

Marge: I just think we should be building a nest egg.
Homer: Way ahead of you, Marge. I just ordered a series of tapes on saving money. They should get here soon. I paid a bundle for overnight delivery.
Marge: I have a book from the library with the same information!
Homer: Okay, I'll just hire a haulage firm to haul them away... at my expense! [he picks up the phone and dials 4-1-1] Directory assistance?
Marge: No more directory assistance! It's not free.
Homer: Well, I'll get a lawyer on that. No, a whole team of lawyers, who will dine on mustard flown in from the Orient.
Marge: No more Oriental mustard!

Marge: Last year you spent $5,000 on doughnuts, $2,000 on scalp massages, $500 on body glitter...
Homer: Hey, I earn that money. While you lounge around here doing laundry and putting up drywall, I'm at work busting my hump.
Marge: Oh, please. From what I hear, you waltz in there at 10:30, take a nap on the toilet, then sit around "Googling" your own name until lunch.
Homer [gasps]: Who told you that?
Marge: You shouted it while we were making love!

The Seven-Beer Snitch [16.14]

Burns: ...this prison will make Abu Ghraib look like the Four Seasons! Smithers, we'll need electrical wire, a hood, and someone who can really point at genitalia.

Homer: (after learning that he failed the guard test) But he misread my pee!! He misread my pee!!!

Future-Drama [16.15]

[Bart and Homer are flying around in an imperfect hovercar.]
Bart: Why'd you buy the first hovercar ever made? Didn't you know it'd take a while to work out the kinks?
Homer: I know! It's a hovercar!

Lisa: You love Moleman! You're gay for Moleman!
Bart: No, you're gay for Moleman.
Moleman: [morosely] No one's gay for Moleman.

Don't Fear the Roofer [16.16]

Bart: Dad, remember how you said if I used a chainsaw unsupervised I'd hurt myself? Well, you were wrong. I hurt someone else.

Marge: We're going to take the dog to the V-E-T.
Santa's Little Helper: Huh?
Marge: Then take Bart to get C-I-R-C-U-M-C-I-S-E-D.
Bart: Huh?
Marge: I'll tell you what it means when it's over, honey.

The Heartbroke Kid [16.17]

Bart: I've learned that even made-up corporate mascots can lie to you.
Homer: Did you hear that Foxie, the Fox Network fox?

Spangler: Mr. Simpson, you're suffering from PSI. Poor self esteem. That's not I! (yelling) Every sign is wrong!

A Star is Torn [16.18]

Krusty: Hey-hey, kids! Do you have what it takes to be a singing sensation? A dynamite voice? Ruthless, pushy parents? A void in your self-esteem that can only be filled by applause? Oh, God, I know that void. Then you were born to enter Krusty's Li'l Starmaker singing competition!
Disclaimer voice: Not affiliated with American Idol. We've never even heard of American Idol.
Krusty: The winner will be animated into an Itchy & Scratchy cartoon! So enter today, especially if you're a funny-looking kid who doesn't know he sucks!
Millhouse:(starts dialing the number) I'm coming Krusty!

Ralph Wiggum: A B C D E F G. [long pause] How I wonder what you are.

Thank God It's Doomsday [16.19]

Homer: Lord, you got a first-class destination resort here, really top notch, but I can't enjoy myself knowing my family is suffering.
God: Oh don't you talk about family suffering with me! My son went to Earth once. I don't know what you people did to him, but he hasn't been the same ever since. [shows Jesus sitting on a swing looking down and spinning really slow]
Homer: He'll be fine.

Homer: (To God) You have just made a powerful enemy!

Home Away From Homer [16.20]

Homer: What's this? [reads the note] "Goodbye Springfield...."
Ned: [in voiceover] "The Flanders family has pulled up stakes. You have laughed at us for the Last-Diddly-Ast time!"
Homer: Last-Diddly-Ast? [sobbing] He's gone! And it's all someone's fault! [sobs and eats cookies]

The Father, The Son, and The Holy Guest Star [16.21]

Sean: We're about to play Bingo.
Homer: Bingo? Hey that's my favorite game. I just can't remember what you yell when you win.
Sean: Bingo.
Homer: Bingo? Hey that's my favorite game. I just can't remember what you yell when you win.
Sean: (sighs) Why don't you just yell, "Yea! I win!"?
Homer: (points) Bingo!

Bart Soldier: We believe that God's last prophet, Bart Simpson preached a message of tolerance, and love.
Bartman Soldier: We believe the holy Bartman preached a message of understanding and peace, before he was betrayed by his follower, Milhouse! And pulled apart by snow-mobiles, until he died.
Bart Soldiers: EAT BART'S SHORTS!!!!
Bartman Soldiers: COWABUNGA!!!!
[War rages]

Season 17

Bonfire of the Manatees [17.01]

Homer: All right! I'll let you shoot your gay adult film at my house.
Fat Tony: I never said anything about gay.
Homer: I thought you guys were the gay mafia.
(Homer is once again hit with the hammers)
Homer: Ow!

Diner Cook: Oh yes. Senora left with a rugged yet sensitive man of science.
Homer: (worried) Rugged? Is that the same thing as 'handsome'?
Diner Cook: Oh no. Handsome means he looks at himself in the mirror. Rugged means you look at him.
Homer: (groans)

The Girl Who Slept Too Little [17.02]

Marge: Whatever happened to please and thank you?
Homer: I think they killed each other. You know, one of those murder-suicide deals.

Homer: Lisa, when you've sustained as many blows to the head as I have, consistency becomes a.. something... something.. I love you Bart!

Milhouse of Sand and Fog [17.03]

[Maggie has chickenpox]
Marge: Homer, don't touch her!, you've never had chickenpox.
Homer: I know, and you did and you're great.
Marge: Oh, I'm just saying it's very dangerous if you get it as an adult. It could leave you sterile, down there.
Homer: Ugh, you always gotta work blue don't you Marge?
Homer leaves, but pokes his head through
Homer: You're better than that.

Bart: Mom, Dad, I'd give a kajillion dollars for you two to get back together.
Homer: Make it 2 kajillion.
Marge: Homer!
Homer: We'll lose the first kajillion to taxes.

Treehouse of Horror XVI [17.04]

Dr.Hibbert: I'm afraid that your son is in a deep coma, and may never wake up.
Homer: Well, at least he's not dead.
Dr.Hibbert: I should say so. This way I can bill you every day!

(After getting shot in manhunt, Apu is reincarnated into a rabbit)
Apu: Ha ha! You can't kill a Hindu!
(Hops into a bear trap.)
Apu: AH! Help me, Jesus!

Marge's Son Poisoning [17.05]

Marge: (to Bart) The last thing I want is for you to turn into that! (Points to Principal Skinner)
Principal Skinner: (Looks behind him) What? The wall?

[Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney stand outside the Simpsons' house and sing My Sharona]
Jimbo/Dolph/Kearney: (singing) Ooh, my little pretty one, my pretty one. When you gonna give me some time, Sharona. Ooh, you make my motor run, my motor run. Got it comin' off of the line, Sharona. Never gonna stop, give it up, such a dirty mind. I always get it up for the touch of the younger kind. My, my, my, aye-aye, whoa!
[A trophy is thrown through the window at the bullies.]
Homer: [offscreen] That song is a pop music footnote. [pause] I didn't say stop.
Jimbo/Dolph/Kearney: (singing) M-m-m-my Sharona!

See Homer Run [17.06]

Quimby: Who the hell are you?
Quimby's Nephew: Your press secretary.
Quimby: I knew I should have hired my nephew!
Quimby's Nephew: I am your nephew.
Quimby: Okay, so I stink! Tough Toblerone! Read the charter people! I can't be removed from office... except by a simple recall election... please disregard that last part!

Homer: I will run for mayor!
Lisa: And I'll be your campaign manager!
Homer: And I'll find out what a Mayor does! (Gets some Beer) Expand my brain, learning juice!

The Last of the Red Hat Mamas [17.07]

Marge: My husband has forgot our last three anniversaries, he made a badminton net out of my wedding dress, which he never uses, and last week, he called out his bowling ball's name during sex!!!

Homer: Wait a minute, if she's going bird watching then why did she leave her Peterson's Guide to Bird Watching? (Looks inside) (gasps) Road Runners are real?

The Italian Bob [17.08]

Brandine: [to Cletus] You are the most wonderful husband - and son - I ever had.

Homer: (Upon hearing that Sideshow Bob has a wife and son) Holy moly! I always thought you were, you know, out loud and proud.
Sideshow Bob: Well, I experimented in college, as one does.
Homer: Yeah, I never went to college.
Sideshow Bob [sarcastic] Stop the presses.

Simpsons Christmas Stories [17.09]

Homer as Joseph: A pregnant virgin? That's every man's worst nightmare!

Caligatus Lou: Gee, chief, I feel pretty bad trying to take out a baby.
Centurion Wiggum: Ah, don't worry, boys. No one will ever speak or write of this again.
(we then see Matthew, with a scroll entitled "The Gospel According to Matthew")
Matthew (begins writing): What a boffo beginning for my book!

Homer's Paternity Coot [17.10]

We're on the Road to D'ohwhere [17.11]

Bart: I'll cut you a deal, I'll give you Milhouse.
Principal Skinner: (upclose) I don't want Milhouse.
Milhouse: Sounds like my parents custody hearing.

Lisa: (to Maggie, after receiving phone calls from Homer and Marge, both asking for bail money) Well, Maggie. I always knew that someday it would boil down to just you and me. I'll look for work in the morning.

My Fair Laddy [17.12]

Bart:(addressing Willie) That job has been taken by the lower guy on the totem pole.

Mr. Largo:(Having the tractor on top of the school) How did I get up here?!

The Seemingly Never-Ending Story [17.13]

Burns: I had to start up from the bottom to get my fortune back. And to get to the bottom, I had to work my way up from Moe's.

Moe (retelling the story of his tragic romance with Edna): I was the happiest guy in the world, but fate likes to play a little game called 'Up Yours, Moe.'

Moe Barney, how do you keep getting back in?

Barney: I'm a drunk, I don't know nothin' about how I do anything.'

Bart Has Two Mommies [17.14]

Marge: Where's Bart? I haven't seen him since you came home.
Homer: [Sarcastically'] Oh, you haven't seen Bart for a few hours, so you automatically assume I let something terrible happen.
Marge: I didn't say that.
Homer: [still sarcastic] I know what you think... when stupid Homer wasn't looking, Bart got kidnapped by a monkey.
Marge: [concerned] I could never think of something that horrible!
Homer: [still sarcastic] And now I'm using sarcasm to confess the whole thing, so later I can say that I already told you!
Marge: Sorry I asked. [leaves.]
Lisa: Dad, you can't keep this up for long.
Homer: [still sarcastic] Oh, you're so right, I guess I should be more concerned with Bart's safety than covering my own butt! And maybe I'm talking like this, because I can't stop! HELP ME LISA! I HAVE SERIOUS MENTAL PROBLEMS!

Nelson: [in response to Lisa's revelation of Mr. Teeny being born in Africa]That's a lie! Mr. Teeny was born in Crazytown, Krusty said so.
Lisa: Nelson, Crazytown doesn't exist!
Nelson: Aww, I wanted to live on Coo-coo Corner.

Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife [17.15]

Homer: All right, pal. I've made a diagram of all the places on Marge you're not allowed to touch. (shows diagram) Especially the hair!
Charles: Oh, not to worry. I'm a bit of an elbow man myself. Bit different...bit weird...not sexual.
Homer: You take forever to say nothing.

Charles: Where is she? Where is that soul sucking she-beast I call sweetums?

Million Dollar Abie [17.16]

Homer (angrily): You're a useless old man! Name one thing you do for this family.
Abe: I watch the baby.
Marge: Where is the baby?
Abe (surprised): You left me with a baby?!?

Abe: A doctor?! I already got enough doctors touching me and poking me and squeezing me up here and jiggling me down there, and that's just the receptionist!

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bangalore [17.17]

Comic Book Guy (after Richard is kidnapped): He's gone!
Doug: There must be a Stargate in this room!
Benjamin: Everybody look for it!
Comic Book Guy: Wait! I have some even more exciting news! There's a girl in the audience!
Benjamin: Everybody look for her!
(the nerds close in on Willie)
Willie: This isn't a skirt! It's a kilt! And I'm not a girl!
Squeaky Voiced Teen: You're the closest we'll ever get!

Bart: So, Mr. Burns, you're saying my dad has gone insane, and thinks he's a god, and broken off all contact with the outside world?
Smithers: I told you Simpson was a poor choice, sir.
Mr. Burns: You know, Smithers, "I told you so" has a brother. His name is, "Shut the hell up"!

The Wettest Stories Ever Told [17.18]

Sea Captain: Perhaps an old sea yarn might pass the time. (pauses for a moment) Too bad I don't know any.
Lisa: I know one, about the most important sea voyage in American history — the journey of the Mayflower.
Sea Captain: Aw, yes. The ship that brought prostitutes to America.
Lisa: Not prostitutes, Protestants.
Sea Captain: Now who's being naive?

Captain Seymour Bligh (over speaker): Welcome to Day 718 of our voyage. First off, in an attempt to preserve water, you will not be given any water. (crew groans) And also, because of a sketch of myself having romantic congress with a mer-man (shows the offending picture) I am dumping all your mail from home into the sea. (Willie does so) And I can assure you that there were cookies in there. Good cookies, the kind only a loving mother or Milhouse's father could bake.
Second Officer Milhouse: My father's alive?
Seymour Bligh: No, he died while baking. It's all in the letter.

Girls Just Want To Have Sums [17.19]

Principal Skinner [phonily]: Am I wearing women's clothes? I didn't notice. When I look in my closet, I don't see male clothes or female clothes, they're all the same.
Edna Krabappel [arms crossed]: Are you saying that men and women are identical?
Skinner: Oh, no, of course not! Women are unique in every way.
Lindsay Nagel [arms crossed]: Now he's saying women and men aren't equal!
Skinner [getting nervous]: No, no, no! It's the differences...of which there are none, that make the sameness...exceptional! [desperately] Just tell me what to say!
[Skinner hyperventilates and faints]

[Homer and Marge are in bed.]
Homer: So... do you wanna... "wang chung" tonight?
Marge: I don't know. I'm still frowny with you. Do you really think women are mentally inferior?
Homer [shifting his eyes nervously]: Well, uh, uh, honey, you're just as smart as a man. Sometimes when I'm with you, I feel like I'm doing it with a dude.
[Marge groans, then scene cuts to Homer sleeping on the couch]
Homer: Oh. Well, I won't be lonely. I can always cuddle with the dog. [cuddles Santa's Little Helper] Mmm. At least everyone knows I'm smarter than you!
[scene cuts to Homer sleeping in the doghouse]
Homer: Oh, how did this happen?

Regarding Margie [17.20]

Homer: When will Marge remember us?
Dr. Hibbert: It's hard to say. With retrograde amnesia such as this, the patient could forget years and years of her life. You just have to keep jogging her memory until it works.
Homer: Awww! Jogging?
Dr. Hibbert: I didn't say you should be jogging.
Homer: Sweet!
Dr. Hibbert: Although you should be jogging.
Homer: Aww! Jogging?

Homer: See that ball of fire? That's the sun. It goes by many names: Apollo's Lantern, day moon, Old Blazey. The important thing is never to touch it.
Marge: I know what the sun is!
Homer: Yes, now you do.

The Monkey Suit [17.21]

Marge: Go on Maggie, it's safe to pick up the deadly weapons
(Maggie picks up a pen-knife, the blade very nearly hits Marge's eye)
Marge: Oh! A mugger! I'll hand over all my hugs and kisses --
(Maggie holds up the knife and points it at Marge, with a evil smile on her face)
Marge: OK, be cool. I've got some candy in my purse...

Todd: Daddy, was mommy a monkey? I can't remember.
Ned: (yelling) No one was ever a monkey! Everything is what it was and always will be! God put us here and that's that!
Todd: But you said a stork brought me.
Ned: Uh, that was God disguised as a stork.
Rod: Who brings baby storks?
Ned: There's no such thing as storks, it's all God!
Todd: (praying in front of a statue of a stork) Please bless daddy and mommy...
Ned: Stop praying to that stork!

Marge and Homer Turn a Couple Play [17.22]

Homer: We've been through more hardships than the Jews and Charlie Brown put together!

Lisa: I wonder why Mom and Dad are doing marriage counseling. If you listen closely, you can here them arguing now. (they then listen closely)
Homer: (in distance) And I say a monkey can mow our lawn!

Season 18

The Mook, The Chef, The Wife And Her Homer [18.01]

[a large black SUV pulls up outside the school, Fat Tony opens the door]
Fat Tony: (in a murderous voice) We are going for a ride...
[the children gasp]
... (normally) by which I mean the car pool, perhaps we will get yogurt....
[the chldren sigh with relief]
...(back to murderous) Now, who wants to sleep with the fishes?...
[the children gasp again]
...(back to normal) 'cause I just bought this Finding Nemo bedspread!
[the children sigh with relief again]

[in Fat Tony's home]
Fat Tony: Welcome to my home.
Marge: [gasps] Must have cost a fortune!
Fat Tony: Actually, you can really keep costs down when you don't pay for materials, or labor, or permits or... land.
Homer: Wow, your paintings have brush marks. And your statues have wieners.
Fat Tony: Your words honor my family.

Jazzy and the Pussycats [18.02]

Homer: Boy, get dressed! You’re going to a jazz brunch as punishment for all the racket you’re making.
Bart: I thought you wanted me to drum?
Homer: Hmph. I'm sending you mixed messages. Now get the hell out of here! (slams door, then opens it again) I love you so much. (Hostile:) Damn you! (Shakes fist)

Krusty: Hey hey! We got more jazz superstars on the way, folks! Gooey Martin, Willie Mims, Dropjaws Turner, Sketch Friendly, Tootsie Childs, Sammy Biltmore, No-Talent Jones, Anwar Bernitez, Bossy Marmalade, Bad-Check Mazursky, Ray-Ray Takamura, Shakey Premise, Boopsie Crouton, Richard Sakai, The Premarital Sextet, C.S.I. Miami, D.W. Jitters, The Chubb Group, Canteloupe St. Pierre and many many more funny names.

Please Homer, Don't Hammer 'Em... [18.03]

Marge: Well, if you're through, let's check out that discount book warehouse.
Homer: But we already own a book!

Homer: This doesn't look easy. But I bet it is!

Treehouse of Horror XVII [18.04]

Carl: I don't get it. What's so "great" about this depression?
Lenny: I like how everything's in sepia tone. Makes me all nostalgic.
Abe: I didn't think it would come to this when I fought in the First World War.
Lenny: "First World War"? Why do you keep calling it that?
Abe: Oh, you'll see!

[Homer eats two German guys at an Oktoberfest]
German Guy: What did we Germans do to deserve this?
[Other German stares at him]
German Guy: Oh, yeah.

G.I. (Annoyed Grunt) [18.05]

Recruiter: How many of you like video games? (the kids cheer) Well, what if there was a violent video game that you could play for free, plus it's real and not a game at all?

Homer: Won't joining the army take me away from my family for two years?
Recruiter: A large target like you will be home a lot sooner than that.

Moe'N'a Lisa [18.06]

Marge: (Reads the first line of Moe´s letter to Homer). "Dear Pusbag".
Homer: Whoa, Marge. Who'd you piss off?
Moe: (yells) It's for you, pusbag!

Jameson: (Reads Moe´s poem, then hands it to an assistant). Run it on the front page and pay him nothing. (Picks up the phone and calls someone) Stop the presses and send my wife some flowers and bring me an anvil! What do you mean you don't work for me, you're hired! Now that you're hired you're fired! Now that you don't work here we can be friends. Now that we're friends how come you never call, some friend you are! (Hangs up and talks to himself) Heh, I love this business!

Jameson: That’s sweet, I hate sweet. I need photos, photos of Spider-Man.
Employee: This is a poetry journal.
Jameson: Okay then I want poems about Spider-Man, and I want them finished before you start, and before you start I want a coffee. And the poems should have the following rhyme scheme, ABBAABBACDECDE. What are you waiting for, Chinese New Year?

Ice Cream of Margie (With the Light Blue Hair) [18.07]

[200 years later, Marge's giant Homer sculpture is on show in a museum]
Spacewoman: This is the last known piece of art before the collapse of Western civilization.
Spaceman: If only we'd known that iPods would unite to enslave the people they entertained.
[Outside the dome, giant iPods are whipping a group of humans.]
Slave: What do you want?!
iPod: Nothing, we just like whipping!

Homer: Well, excuse me for having enormous flaws that I don't work on!

The Haw-Hawed Couple [18.08]

Homer (thinking): I can't let Lisa find out. Time to do what I do best! Lie to a child!

Milhouse:Trust me Bart, it's better to walk in on both your parents instead of just one of them.

Kill Gil: Vols. 1 & 2 [18.09]

Marge: It's true. I do have trouble saying no. It all started when I was 7. (Marge's flashback.)
Selma: Marjorie. We need you to hide our cigarettes in your dollhouse.
Marge: No! (Patty and Selma shove her into her dollhouse.) Mom? Grandma? Aunt Laurina? Anybody? (Trips on a toy car. Cut out of flashback.) And that's why I have trouble saying no to people. Even Gil.
Homer: Marge, I have no what you were just thinking about. Why would you think I did?

Homer: (holding the blade of the grumples skate to his neck) Give back Halloween cheer, you bastard!
Grumple: Never!

The Wife Aquatic [18.10]

[While watching outdoor silent movie Ned Flanders chose.]
Kearney: This movie isn't silent, I can hear it sucking!
Jimbo: And all the snacks we bought are "heart-smart".
Dolph (referring to snack): What the hell is a radish anyway? It's like an apple did it with an onion.

Homer: We left plenty of food so you won't starve.
Grampa: Oh, thank you.
Homer: I was talking to the cat.

[Before the wave hits the Rotting Pellican.]
Everyone on the ship: Shiiiii-pwreeeck.

Revenge is a Dish Best Served Three Times [18.11]

Marge: Homer no! Revenge never solves anything!
Homer: Then what is America doing in Iraq?!

Judge: I sentence you to life.
Homer: You moron, I'm already alive!
Judge: In prison! [hammers podium]
Homer: AAAAH!!!

Little Big Girl [18.12]

Grampa Simpson: Yep, the Simpsons have never married or even shook hands with anyone interesting. In a world of 31 flavors, we’re the cup of water they rinse the scoops in. Grampa out.

Bart: Utah? Home of America's most powerful weirdoes!

Springfield Up [18.13]

Krusty: Homer gave me a kidney once. It wasn't his, I didn't need it, and it came with postage due, but it was a lovely gesture.

Yokel Chords [18.14]

Skinner: You're not getting away with this, young man! You're going to the school psychologist!
Psychologist: (running out of the school) Dark Stanley's going to eat my brains!!!
Chalmers: Or, preferably, a qualified professional.

at Bart's last counseling session with school-paid psychologist Stacey Swanson
Bart: ...And then I had this dream that my whole family was just cartoon characters, and that our success had led to some crazy propaganda network called "Fox News".

Rome-old and Juli-eh [18.15]

Homer: I have to warn you, I'm not good with details. Or the big picture. I also show late. And drunk.

Selma: Sorry I had to work so late. How did it go with the baby?
Grandpa: We're having a great time. I cleaned up all my best war stories for her. I was just telling her how we chased the teddy bears into their cuddle bunkers, (more creepy) then had to tickle them out with machine hugs and fun throwers! (sinister zoom-in) They say the more soldiers you tickle, the easier it gets. Well, sir, it doesn't.

Bart and Lisa swindled a box company into giving them a large amount of boxes that were made into a fort.

Sarcastic Man: Hey, you little brats. Get down from those battlements. Those boxes are for shipping. Not for creating a world of pure imagination. Give them back!
Bart: Not until we are bored with them. Now begone!
Sarcastic Man: (Voice becomes deeper) I shall go. But I will return with an army of my brethren. And together, we will take back what is ours and hell will reign down upon you.
Lisa: What if we're not here?
Sarcastic Man: We will come two more times. And then you will have to come to our customer's center. (Normal Voice) It's near the airport, where the old Crown Books used to be.

Homerazzi [18.16]

Editor: (looking through Homer's photos) Terrific! Outstanding! This has Page One written all over it! What the hell did you do that for?
(he holds up a photograph with "Page One" written all over it in ink)
Homer: I wanted to remember my place in the book I was reading.

Marge: (after fire caused by birthday candle) This disasterette was a real wake up call, we need to find a way to protect our irreplaceables.
Firefighter: You could buy a fire-proof safe.
Homer: Or we could just resolve to be more careful with our open flames.
Firefighter: Sir we've been here six times this month.
Homer: Yeah but, uhm, one of those I dialled 911 by mistake but I was too embarassed to admit it, so I set the house on fire. Feels good to tell the truth... no I'm lying again it feels bad.

Marge Gamer [18.17]

Lisa (angrily): You can't give me a yellow card! You're my father!
Homer: When I put on these shorts, I'm not your father anymore, and judging by how tight they are, I'm never going to be anyone else's either.

(Bart is about to revive Marge's character in the online role-playing game)
Bart: Mom, I'm going to give you life the way I imagine you gave me life...by pressing Alt+F5 repeatedly.

The Boys of Bummer [18.18]

Abe: You stink, LaBoot!
LaBoot No I don't! Google my stats!

Homer: This makes up for everything that's ever gone wrong in my life – or ever will!

Crook and Ladder [18.19]

Homer: Okay, here's the solution. I want you kids to lock the bedroom from the outside so I can't get out and perpetrate my nocturnal mischief.
Bart: Why don't you just stop taking the pills, you hothead?
Homer: Because I'm filled with stress! [smacks Bart on the back of his head and moans] I've got three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?!

Kent Brockman: While our brave firemen recuperate, Springfield is a town without a fire department -- which is bad news for people like this man. [camera pans out to show man trapped in a burning house] Sir! How does it feel knowing that no one is coming to save you?
Man: Not as bad as knowing that somewhere gays are marrying each other! That's the real emergency, Kent.

Stop, or My Dog Will Shoot! [18.20]

Homer: How come things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?!

Lisa: Dad, why don't you throw me in the air and I can see which way is out? (he does) Corn. (again) More corn. (again) Another kid getting thrown in the air. (again) Witches' coven. (again) Seattle Space Needle. (again) Amateur production of You Can't Take It With You. (again) Oh, I'm getting dizzy. (again) And corn again.

24 Minutes [18.21]

Homer: [Homer and Milhouse are riding a dumpster down the street] [gasp] It's the cops, act normal! [places a banana peel on his head; woman's voice impersonation] Oooh, hello officer!
Wiggum: Ahh, good afternoon ma'am. [sigh] What is it about a woman in a dumpster?

Jack Bauer: Good work Lisa!
Bart: What about me?!
Jack Bauer: [cocks pistol and aims at Bart's head] Bart Simpson, 12 minutes ago you made a very annoying prank phone call to me. All units move in! [Vehicles and soldiers move into the room from everywhere with guns aimed at Bart.] I pulled every single agent off of all other cases to track you down and bring you to justice. It was a tough decision but I think I made the right call. [nuke goes off in the distance; crowd gasps and murmurs] Oh, it's okay. That was Shelbyville. [crowd sighs with relief]

You Kent Always Say What You Want [18.22]

Marge: Oh hi kids, you're just in time to go to the dentist!
Bart: DENTIST?! You said we were going to ride dirt bikes around the cemetery!
Lisa: Oh, Bart, you fall for that every six months.
Homer: [Pulls up on a dirt bike] Hey, suckers, check it out -- Marge is taking me to ride dirt bikes at the cemetery!
Lisa: You're going to the dentist too, Dad.
Homer: [disappointed] Why the cemetery, I wondered? But my dreams were too strong...

Dental Hygienist: Here's a free tooth-brush! Keep those teeth clean! [handing Bart a bag]
Bart: So you're saying I should do your job, for you, at home, for free? You wish! [Throws the bag in the trash can]

Season 19

He Loves to Fly and He D'ohs [19.1]

Mr. Burns: Now let's enjoy the Miami of Canada -- Chicago!

Colby: Okay Homer, I don't know anything about planes, but I know about you. You have what made America great: no understanding of the limits of your power and a complete lack of concern for what anyone thinks of you. So you'll land that plane. And do you know why? Because I heard some guy say you couldn't.
Homer: What! I'll show him. I'll show that guy!

Marge Simpson: What are you doing? You don't know how to fly a plane!
Homer Simpson: I once drove a car off a cliff. How hard can it be? Hmm, what's the ocean doing up in the sky?

The Homer of Seville [19.2]

Homer: That church service was so boring! I did a whole book of find-a-words.
Lisa: Dad, all you circled were the I's and A's.
Homer: Those are words.

[In the dressing room, after Homer's first opera performance]

Bart: Dad, you were great!
Lisa: And you contributed to our culture!
Homer: [worried] Well, I didn't mean to.
Lisa: No, no, it's a good thing.
Homer: Oh, good. This makes up for me showing up drunk to the father-daughter dance.
Lisa: The dance isn't 'til next week.
Homer: Sorry, Lisa. Can't change the future.

Dr. Hibbert: Homer, you have a mild back sprain. And you also ingested a dangerous quantity of grave dirt.
Homer: Well, you're always telling me that I should eat more dirt.
Dr. Hibbert: Not dirt, vegetables!
Homer: ...Which grow in what?

Midnight Towboy [19.3]

Homer: When you married a man who would years later, without warning, become a tow-truck driver, you knew what the deal would eventually be.

Lisa: There must be a website that can help you deal with a clingy baby.
Marge: Oh, I don’t want to bother the internet with my problem.
Bart: Aw, come on, Mom. We’ll help you surf.
[Marge sits down at the computer, grabs the mouse and starts clicking away]
Bart: Click that one, Mom.
Lisa: No, go up.
Bart: Keep going--up, up, up!
Lisa: The blue ones are ads.
Bart: That’s the toolbar.
Lisa: No you’ve opened Word; close it!
Bart: Close it. Do-don’t save it!
Lisa: Stop clicking.
Bart: Don’t go there!
Lisa: Why are you buying a freezer?!
Bart: Don’t click the cart or you’ve bought it!
Lisa: Aw, you clicked the cart!
Marge: [Upset] If you’re so smart, you do it!
[Bart pushes one button and finds a baby website; Marge groans]

Homer: When you call in sick, who do you call?
Louie, the tow-truck driver in Guidopolis: I don't call in sick, I work when I wanna.
Homer: Sometimes you want to work?

[Homer decides to become a tow truck driver]
Louie: Now just remember two rules. One, stick to Springfield. If I catch you on my turf, I’ll rip off your head, vomit down your neck, pull out your heart, show it to your head, then shove ‘em both down your neck hole, to which I previously alluded.
[Homer tries to jot everything down]
Homer: [Mumbling] “which I previously alluded…” Are there two “L’s” in “alluded”?

Homer: [Chuckles] I guess I'm more powerful than God now.
Ned Flanders: You know what they say: "With great power comes great responsibility."
Homer: Who said that?! I'll kill them with my power!

Marge: Bart, I'm starting to worry about your father.
Bart: Well, I know he seems to get dumber every year, but lately he's plateaued.

I Don't Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Sings [19.4]

Marge: Homer, you cannot miss Lisa's big day. And you have to come sober!
Homer: American sober or Irish sober?
Marge: .08 sober!
Homer: .15.
Marge: .09!
Homer: .10 with a stomach full of bread. My final offer.
Marge [groans]: Deal.

[Dwight's partner is knocked out through one of the bank's windows]
Lou: Uh, Chief, looks like we got a 64-G in progress.
Chief Wiggum: [chews his doughnut once slowly]
Lou: Armed robbery with a gun.
Chief Wiggum: [stares cluelessly]
Lou: [sighs] [draws stick figures of a bank robbery] Come on, Chief, you know this.
Chief Wiggum: Oh, a shooty-stealy.
[Eddie and Lou look at each other, then roll their eyes in disbelief]

Treehouse of Horror XVIII [19.5]

(Marge opens oven)
Homer: Crème brûlée! Crème brûlée! Or, in English: Burnt cream! Burnt cream!

Marge: Homie, I made you my killer lasagna.
Homer's Brain: It's poisoned! Whatever you do, don't eat it!
(the camera pans down revealing Homer is eating it)
Homer's Brain: Okay your already eatting it. Just don't finish it!
(Homer finishes the lasagna)
Homer's Brain: Okay you finished it. But don't ask for...
Homer: Seconds, please!
Homer's Brain: You Moron! Just kill her!
Homer: (to brain) I'll kill her after dessert!

Marge: All those nights I thought you were out getting drunk, you were out killing people?!
Homer: I was out getting drunk, then killing people!

[Homer prepares to assassinate Kent Brockman using a sniper rifle]
Homer: Now all I have to do is think of a clever line before I pull the trigger. [Thinks] Oh, that’s a perfect one. But I don’t need to say it out loud ‘cause I’m by myself.

Little Orphan Millie [19.6]

Lisa: Spider Burps!

(Milhouse's parents are lost at sea.)
Homer: Here Millhouse, why don't you cheer up with a glass of Ocean Spray. (catches himself) Oh boy forget that. How about some Cap'n Crunch? (catches himself) Seven Seas Italian Dressing? Oh no no no. Uhh... Chicken of the Sea tuna? Ahh. Billy Ocean CD? The History of Atlantic Records?
Marge: Stop naming things!!!
Homer: I want to but I can't.
Marge: Then go to Moe's.
Homer: Good idea. I'll drown my sorrows in Anchor Steam Beer. (Looks at Milhouse) Oh ho ho I'm sorry. (Covers his mouth and leaves)

Homer: Bart, stop talking to yourself. That'll show him. Now, how am I going to find out what color Marge's eyes are?

[Homer is searching for his wedding album]
Homer: Where is it? I gotta find out what color Marge's eyes are. Ah! Cha-ching!
[He goes to open the album only to find it has a combination lock, and is shut tight]
Homer: Ohh! Oh, Marge darling... What's the combination to our wedding album?
Marge: Our anniversary.
Homer: [Pauses] D'oh!

Husbands and Knives [19.7]

Milo: These books are meant to be read and enjoyed, not hoarded and then sold when you get divorced.

Homer: We're gonna be rich! We can finally start a family.
Marge: We have a family.
Homer: A better one!

Funeral for a Fiend [19.8]

Marge: That's funny. There's nobody here.
Homer: More ribs for me!
Bart: There are no tables or chairs.
Homer: More ribs for me!
Lisa: And there's no sign of an oven, kitchen or food anywhere.
Homer: [uneasy] More ribs for me?

[the Simpsons are tied up. A laptop with a faulty battery is sitting atop boxes of TNT.]
Sideshow Bob: Let's not tarry. As Shakespeare said, "If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere best it were done quickly." Power on! [he turns on the laptop and laughs maniacally] This time I've made no mistakes. [leaves]
Lisa: Actually, you made one. What Shakespeare really said was, "'Twere well it were done quickly."
Sideshow Bob: Yes, I'm sure you've studied the Immortal Bard extensively under your "Miss Hoover". [leaves and shuts the door]
Lisa: Macbeth, act one, scene seven. Look it up.
Sideshow Bob [re-entering]: I shall! [he takes the laptop] Come on, Wikipedia, load, you unwieldy behemoth! [the laptop explodes] Oh, dear, Sideshow Bob, "Hoist on his own petard".
Lisa: It's "hoist with his own petard".
Sideshow Bob: Oh, get a life.

Kent Brockman: America has a tradition of turning outlaws into legends after their deaths: Billy the Kid, Bonnie and Clyde, Jesus Christ. Joining them now is Robert "Sideshow Bob" Terwilliger, whose funeral we're presenting with live shovel-to-shovel coverage.

Sideshow Bob: Before you die, perhaps you'd like to know how I engineered my ultimate revenge.
Homer: I'd like to know if Wes Doobner is aware of what you're doing in his restaurant!
Sideshow Bob: I'm Wes Doobner!
Homer: Mr. Doobner, I have a complaint: I work hard and when I go out with my family I expect a certain level of basic--
Sideshow Bob: Shut up!

[At Sideshow Bob's trial]
Sideshow Bob: Your Honor, I choose to represent myself. And let me say... I did try to kill the Simpsons. I truly did.
[The entire courtroom gasps in shock]
Prosecutor: [to Homer and Marge] Okay, if he doesn't say "but" right now, we are home free.
Sideshow Bob: But--
Prosecutor: Damn!

Eternal Moonshine of the Simpson Mind [19.9]

[Flashback sequence of Chief Wiggum coming into the house]
Chief Wiggum: [to Homer] What's goin' on here, Simpson? Am I gonna need the zip straps?
Marge: Everything's fine, cupcakes and sprinkles.
Chief Wiggum: Oh, really? Then how did you get that? [points to Marge's black-eye. Speaks to Homer:] What gives, Simpson? Givin' your wife an Irish kiss?
Homer: [off-screen] No, I swear!
Marge: It was my fault, I..... I walked into a door.
Chief Wiggum: Walked into a door? That is the lamest excuse I've ever... [Accidentally smacks into the door on his way out] All right, door. You're comin' downtown. [cuffs himself to the door]

[Homer is traveling through his mind with memory Bart and memory Lisa]
Homer: I don't know if I should be showing this to you kids.
Memory Lisa: Relax, we're not really your kids. We're representations of them created in your mind.
Homer: Really? If I created all this, then that means I can have pizza whenever I want.
[Homer uses his mind to make a phone appear]
Homer: [picks up the phone] Hello, I'd like an extra large pepperoni and mushrooms. [annoyed:] 35 Minutes? [Homer angrily hangs up the phone]

Homer: Dad, I can't remember what I did last night. Do have any idea?
Grampa: You come to me for help rememberin'? That's like asking your horse to do your taxes -which I did in 1998.
[Shows photo of horse using an adding machine]

E. Pluribus Wiggum [19.10]

[On the phone]
Marge: I'm just really worried about your weight. Bart says that we got a call from NASA, and your gravity is pulling satellites out of their orbit.
Homer: Marge, that was a joke.
Marge: But it comes from a true place...

[After Homer suggests the town build a new fast-food district]
Dr. Hibbert: To raise the money, we'll need a bond issue.
Lisa: But won't that shift a burden to your children?
Bart: No, you idiot. We just pay with another bond issue. (Points to Maggie) Let her figure out someone to dump it on.
(Maggie looks over to the side and sees that there's nobody sitting next to her. She crosses her arms in annoyance.)

Lisa: Ralph can't be President! He's the dumbest person in the slowest reading group!
Homer: Lisa, being President is easy! You just point the Army and shoot!
Lisa: And Ralph is only eight years old! It says in the Constitution, you have to be 35!
Bart: The Constitution? I'm pretty sure the PATRIOT Act killed it to ensure our freedoms.
Homer [mockingly]: Ooh, the PATRIOT Act is so terrible! The government might find out what library books I take out! What's next, finding out what operas I go to? [high-fives Bart]

[An alarming amount of presidential hopefuls descend on the Simpson house when they see that the Simpsons haven't decided who to vote for yet]
Homer: If you haven't sprung from or aren't married to my loins, get the hell out of this house!
[All the candidates leave, except for someone hiding behind a plant]
Homer: You too, Fred Thompson!
Fred Thompson: But I was in Die Hard.
Homer: [Scoffs] Die Hard Two!

That 90's Show [19.11]

Lisa: Mom, I didn't know you went to college.
Bart: Yeah. You've always said that after high school, Dad "blessed" you with the unplanned miracle of me.
Marge: Hey, parents are allowed to keep some secrets.
Homer: Like which kid's their favorite. [whispering] It's Lisa.

[the family is freezing by the fireplace]
Marge: We wouldn't be in this trouble if you'd just paid the heating bill!
Homer: I thought global warming would take care of it! Al Gore can't do anything right!

Homer: At least we know there'll never be a President worse than Bill Clinton! Imagine, lying in a deposition in a civil lawsuit. That's the worst sin a President could commit!
Marge: There'll never be a worse President. Never.
Homer: Never.

Homer: [narrating] I had finally realized every rock star's dream. Hating being famous.

Homer: You applied to college? Why didn't you tell me?
Marge: I did tell you.
Homer: I thought you were telling me you wanted to apply yourself to making a collage! And as I recall, I was against it.

Love, Springfieldian Style [19.12]

Dogcatcher Willie: You strays are going straight to the pound where you'll be put to sleep... by my boring stories. And then you'll be killed!

Goofy (after stepping out of the gas chamber at the dog pound): Gosh, this place is no picnic, but it sure beats working for Disney!

The Debarted [19.13]

Bart: Who's the new meat in my seat?
Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, this is Donny. He's here at our school because he was kicked out of P.S. 132.
Donny: P.S., that school sucked.
[The children laugh.]
Mrs. Krabappel: Don't worry, Bart. Willie's bringing you something to sit on.
[Groundskeeper Willie brings in an old wooden desk with a toilet for a seat. Bart sits.]
Donny: Hey, Krabappel! Your name sounds like "crabapple". Did you go sour waiting for someone to pick you?
Mrs. Krabappel: [sighs] Pretty much.

Principal Skinner: When I catch the culprit, and I will, I'm gonna throw this away. [Holds up a book titled Public School Punishment Guidelines] And use this instead! [Holds up a book titled Catholic School Punishment Guidelines with a picture of a kid getting hung on a cross. The children gasp.]

Lisa: I never dreamed an American car designed in Germany, assembled in Mexico from parts made in Canada, could be so amazing.

Dial 'N' for Nerder [19.14]

Homer: Oh boy, dinner time! The perfect break between work and drunk.

Kent Brockman: So Chief, what's your final word on the Prince boy?
Chief Wiggum: Hmm? Oh, dead. Definitely dead.
Lou: Uh, Chief, aren't we supposed to, uh, notify the family first?
Chief Wiggum: What do you think I'm doing right now? [Smiles at the camera.]

[Marge is suspicious of Homer, who is wearing a fedora hat and a trench coat]
Marge: Homer, where are you going?
Homer: Work.
Marge: It's 4 o'clock on a Saturday.
Homer: I, uh, have to... count the atoms at the nuclear plant. Conservation of mass! It's the law!

Lisa: Bart, Martin could be seriously hurt or worse! We have to do something!
Bart: You're right. Let's watch TV.

Smoke on the Daughter [19.15]

Bart: I'm not a nerd. I'm a jock who's too cool for sports.

Apu: You have made a very powerless enemy.

Homer: Stop saying things, Bart. That's the TV's job.

Chazz Busby: I haven't seen crap like this since my Broadway show Crap Like This. Ran for five years.

Homer: Son, while your mother and little mother are out, I'm gonna let you in on a deep, dark family secret.
Bart: You have a drinking problem?
Homer: I said secret.

Papa Don't Leech [19.16]

Homer: Bart, get me my suicide axe.
Marge: No suicide axe!
Homer: (loud whisper to Bart) Later.

Marge: I'm really worried about Lurleen.
Homer: Yeah, me too. Since her father re-abandoned her, she cut the word "pop" out of all our foods.
(Shows boxes that read ____ Tarts, Jiffy ___ ___ corn, ___eye's Chicken, ___pycock.)
(Bart pours a box of Rice Krispies, The cereal falls out of a cutout where Pop should be.)
Bart: You'd think living in a house of crazy people would be fun. It's actually really depressing.

Radio DJ: Here's a song that's rising faster than a rocket with a rocket up its butt!

Marge: [to Lurleen] If you ever come near Homer again, I'll strangle you with your own hair extensions. That's right, I know.

Apocalypse Cow [19.17]

Bart: So Dean Martin would show up at the last minute and do everything in just one take?
Homer: That's right.
Bart: But Wikipedia said he was "passionate about rehearsal".
Homer: Don't you worry about Wikipedia. We'll change it when we get home. We'll change a lot of things.

Bart: Sorry Lis, I can't be a vegetarian, I love the taste of death!

Bart: You're in a better place now, Lou. And I'll always be proud that, for once in my life, I had a cow man.

Cletus: We always figured someday Mary would marry. That's why we called her "Mary." We name all our kids after what we thinks gonna happen to 'em. Ain't that right, Stabbed In Jail?
Stabbed In Jail: [whittling a stick] We'll see who stabs who.

Any Given Sundance [19.18]

[Marge is trying to find a good movie at Sundance.]
Marge: Ooh! Regularsville! This might be the one for me!
[Marge goes inside the theater and sees, on screen, a man in a bra putting on makeup.]
Marge: [Shudders and immediately closes the door.] Okay. Ooh! Candyland! A great family game is now a great family movie!
[Marge goes inside and sees on the screen, two hippies about to drug themselves with heroin]
Marge:[Shudders and closes the door again.] I get it! Every title means the opposite of what it means! Then I guess I'll love...Chernobyl Graveyard!
[Marge goes in and immediately comes out.]
Marge: I didn't.

Principal Skinner: Well, if we can't get into Sundance, would you like to check out its alternative cousin, Slamdance?
Superintendent Chalmers: I'd rather die.

Homer: I never wanted to be famous for being mean. I wanted to be famous for catching Santa Claus.

Mona Leaves-a [19.19]

Homer: [Talking to his mother] You keep disappearing and reappearing and it's not funny. You're just like that show, Scrubs.

All About Lisa [19.20]

Award Show Presentator: We now come to our final award: Entertainer of the Year. An award so prestigious that it recently won the 'Award of the Year' Award at the 2007 Awardie Awards.

Sideshow Mel: [Narrating] Lisa didn't know it then, but she had just dipped her toe into the business of show! And it is a business, as you shall find out in about three seconds. Two... One...
[The show cuts to commercial.]

Season 20

Sex, Pies and Idiot Scrapes [20.1]

Marge: This was such a pleasant St. Patrick's Day until Irish people showed up.

Judge Roy Snyder: Bail is set at $25,000.
Homer: [scoffs] I make that in a year.

Lost Verizon [20.2]

Lisa: [seeing what her parents are up to] Tracking software? [gasps] You're spying on Bart!
Marge: Honey, keeping track of someone because you love them is not wrong. It shows you care.
Moe: [Listening to Marge via his own bugging device in the basement] That's right my beautiful, beautiful Midge. [Laughs] Soon, you'll be mine.
FBI Agent #1: [observing Moe via spy camera] Keep talking, creepo.
FBI Agent #2: Every word buys you a year in the slammer.

Marge: Bart, how did you get a cellphone?
Bart: The same way you got me, by accident on a golf course.

Double, Double, Boy in Trouble [20.3]

(Bart is at a low end of a see-saw while Mr Burns is at the high end and won't fall)
Bart: Why won't you come down?
Mr. Burns: I told you. I only weigh as much as my clothes and keys.

Homer: (while falling) Aw, come on gravity...You used to be cool.

Treehouse of Horror XIX [20.4]

[the kitchen is filled with appliances transforming]

Homer: Hey is there something different about the kitchen?
Transformers: No no no. [Homer looks at the toaster which transforms into the word "No"]
Homer: Well the toaster's never lied to me before.

Destructicus: That does not compute.
Marge: (sternly) Really?
Destructicus: Well, it computes a little.

Dangerous Curves [20.5]

(When a hitchhiker couple make out in the back of his car)
Homer: Knock it off! How dare you expose my children to your tender feelings! Bart, don't you dare take your eyes off that game boy!
Bart: Yes, sir. (Plays a video game about killing popular cereal mascots) I'm cuckoo for killing stuff!
Homer: Video games: The reason this generation of Americans is the best ever.

Homer and Lisa Exchange Crosswords [20.6]

Chalmers: SIMPSON, what in the blue blazes are you doing to my hop-scotching grids?
Lisa: [a bit worried] I made them into a crossword.
Chalmers: Oh, well ha ha, I'm a bit of a puzzlehead myself. They help me wind down after a day of dealing with SKINNER!!
Skinner: [appears in the school window] You called?
Chalmers: Made a reference.
Skinner: My mistake. [disappears back in the window]

Homer: I'd like to bet everything against my daughter.
[everyone in the bar turns and gasps]
Bookie: I'll take your money...but I won't look you in the eye.
Homer: Fine! I won't look you in the eye!
[short period of them poking each other with a money and a bag for taking the money]
Homer: Got it?
Bookie: [Muffled with money in his mouth] I got it.

Bookie: Here's your money, soaked in your daughter's tears.
Homer: Y'know, for a barkeeping bookie, you're awfully judgmental.

Nelson:Mr. S. Lisa B.

Mypods and Boomsticks [20.7]

Homer: Praise to Oliver!
Mina: That's Allah.
Homer: We'll look it up in the Corona.

Bashir: [holding up Bart's sling shot] Bart forgot this, sir.
Homer: "Sir?" That's the kind of respect I'd have to strangle out of an American kid!

The Burns and the Bees [20.8]

Mr. Burns:Who is that man and why isn't his enthusiasm being punished?
Smithers: That's Mark Cuban sir. He's the most flamboyant owner in the league.
Mark Cuban: (Slides down a zip line from a hook while holding a fire cracker) (Enthusiastically) I'M OUT OF MY MIND!

Lisa: But without bees there would be no flowers.
Homer: (scoffs) Flowers: The painted whores of the plant world.

Lisa the Drama Queen [20.9]

Lisa: Hey Mom, can Juliet sleepover?
Marge: Are your parents okay with that? They've never met us.
Bart: We could be murderers.
Homer: Could have been, if we hadn't had kids.

Lisa: You can't keep Juliet and me apart! I'll... I'll disobey!
Marge: I'm Bart Simpson's mother, do you think you've got any tricks I haven't seen. (leaves the room)
(Lisa climbs out the window and slides down the tree only to land in a laundry basket being held by Marge)
Marge: Bart Simpson: Age 3. (both go back inside)
Bart: (Comes out of a hidden door in the tree dressed in black) Bart Simpson: Age 10. Mhwahahahaha!

Marge: "Are you saying Lisa is not at the Model U.N.?"
Martin (dressed as a Belgian delegate): "To the extent you can trust the word of a Belgian...yes!"

Take My Life, Please [20.10]

Homer: I'm going to find Dondelinger and tell him I know what he did last summer...22 years ago...in the winter!

Mr. Burns: Sector 7G? No, let the Lennys and Carls of this world waste their wretched lives in that testicle-shrivelling torture chamber.

Dondelinger:The brown-haired girl gave me a look, The redhead in the park was reading a book, The girl at the airport upgraded my car, Tonight I wonder, just where u are...

How the Test Was Won [20.11]

Principal Skinner: At the end of the month we're be participating in the Vice President's Assessment Test.
Nelson: He stinks!
Principal Skinner: We're assessing you, not him.
Nelson: Withdrawn.

Chalmers: Lisa, like Captain Kirk I'm not supposed to interfere but like T.J. Hooker I say what is on my mind. If you don't know the answer, just guess.
Lisa: This test penalizes guessing.
Chalmers: It does? Alright NOBODY GUESS! Just be right! Get down on your knees, pray to your God, and ask him, no, DEMAND he tell you the answer and if he won't, he is no God of yours!

No Loan Again, Naturally [20.12]

Lisa: This is so hard because I always thought Mom was the strong one.
Bart: She is. Look.
[Homer is crying as he is about to hang himself on a tree]
Homer: Goodbye.
[he hangs himself, only for the tree to crash on his car]
Homer: [getting up] D'oh!

Gone Maggie Gone [20.13]

Homer: Now Maggie, I'll be watching you too, in case God is busy creating tornadoes or not existing.

Homer: C'mon lady, have a heart! I'm sure your husband does stupid things sometimes too.
Mother Superior: (indignantly) I'm married to Jesus!
Homer: Pssh, yeah right. And I'm married to Wonder Woman!

In the Name of the Grandfather [20.14]

Garda (Irish Cop) 1: So, it's a Smokeasy you're running, then?
(Homer and Grampa try to run)
Garda (Irish Cop) 2: So, it's escaping you're thinking of, then?
Homer: I can't tell if those are questions or statements.
Garda (Irish Cop) 1: So, it's our syntax you're criticizing, then?

Wedding for Disaster [20.15]

Reverend Lovejoy: So in summary, there are only two real commandments and the other eight are just filler.

(Trying on a tuxedo)
Bart: This one's a little gay, isn't it?
Store Worker: Well the last time I checked, pirates weren't gay.
Homer: Ew. How'd you check?

Eeny Teeny Maya Moe [20.16]

(At Moe's) (To Maggie)
Homer: Now you learn your numbers from these billiard balls while daddy gets happier and happier and then sadder and sadder.

Carl: How did your date go, Moe?
Moe: Incredible. I've never felt like this before. It's like my heart wants to do her.

The Good, the Sad and the Drugly [20.17]

Marge: Oh, Bart. I don't care that this is just an act. You've finally become the boy every mother dreams of--A girl!

Jenny: Are you saying our entire relationship is based on lies?
Bart: Not our entire relationship, just the stuff I said.

Father Knows Worst [20.18]

[throwing an old water heater in the attic]
Marge: Five more water heaters and we get a free water heater.

Lisa: I've never been called "fierce" before. "Strident." "Hectoring" has been tossed around.

Homer: I'm sorry, Moe. I didn't mean everybody everybody, hope you don't mind.

Waverly Hills 9021-D'oh [20.19]

Alaska Nebraska: I am so sick of fans in my food.

Bart: Get a room!
Homer: Come on boy, be cool.
Bart: But-
Homer: Be cool or you're grounded!

Four Great Women and a Manicure [20.20]

King Julio: (about Lenny) Guards take him away and put things inside of him!
Guard: Nice things?
Julio: No, not nice things!

Patty: I don't need a man, for I have England!
Moe: Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.

King Julio: Normally i love to see a flaming dream boat heading my way but not like this baby!! Not like this!!!

Coming to Homerica [20.21]

[at the Simpsons' house, Homer is sleeping on the couch; his stomach is rumbling]
Homer: What's wrong, old friend? Can't sleep? [his stomach continues rumbling] Aww. Would some warm beer settle you down? [his stomach continues rumbling] Uh-oh. [gets up and runs off] Those barley burgers were tainted! Why did I eat twelve of them?! Why?! [runs to a bathroom door, only to find Marge using it]
Marge: Taken! [Homer shuts the bathroom door, and runs upstairs to another bathroom door, only to find Bart using it]
Bart: Occupied! [Homer runs to another bathroom door, only to find Lisa using it]
Lisa: Hurling! [Homer runs, looks both ways, runs into Lisa's bedroom, and vomits into her saxophone; his mouth gets stuck trying to get it out]
Homer: Uh-oh!

Milhouse: Minnesota vikings apparel? This is tennessee titans country!
Homer: Do you see now why we need that wall, Marge?
Marge: BUILD IT, HOMER! BUILD IT TALL AS THE SKY AND DEEPER THAN HELL!

Season 21

Homer the Whopper [21.01]

Marth: All right what's our next big summer franchise. Come on.
OWW Films Executive #1: You want an original idea?
Marth: Yes. Let your imaginations run free. Something that's never been a movie before, but feels like it has.
OWW Films Executive #2: Extesion Cords!
OWW Films Executive #3: Mixed Nuts!
OWW Films Executive #4: Car Keys!
Marth: Nah. We've already made that could possibly be a movie, into a great movie. There's nothing left.
[Marth's son, Jono, enters through the door to Marth's left.]
Jono: Dad, can we go? I've watch all the DVDs in the Bentley.
Marth: Jono, what's that in your hand?
Jono: Oh. Big surprise that you don't know what this is. It's only Everyman. The coolest comic book ever.
[Marth takes the comic book and reads through a few pages]
Marth: What are his powers?
Jono: All of them.
Marth: That's it! Our next big summer movie will be Everyman!
OWW Films Executive #4: Uh, Marth? Ginormous Pictures bought the rights to Everyman three weeks ago.
[Marth throws the comic onto the table in frustration]
Marth: Damnit!

Comic Book Guy: You are acceptable.
Homer: Great, do you wanna see me naked?
GP Executive #1: Oh there's no nudity in this movie.
Homer: What movie?

Bart Gets a 'Z' [21.02]

The Great Wife Hope [21.03]

Lisa: This goes against feminist bone in my body, but Dad, can't you control your woman?
Homer: How can I control her? I have nothing to withhold.

Marge: Call me a killjoy, but if this is not to my taste, no one else should be able to enjoy it.

(Watching Marge's fight on TV)
Moe: Come on, come on, get back on your feet, I believe in you!
Barney: (Climbing the bar from the tavern floor) I'm doing it Moe!
Moe: Not you.
Barney: Oh thank god!-the pressures off. (Falls back down)

Homer: Out of all the stupidest things I've ever done, this is the stupidest. And you're doing it!

Homer: She found my one weakness... that I'm weak!

Treehouse of Horror XX [21.04]

Homer: To the panic room!
Marge: We don't have a panic room.
Homer: To the panic room store!

Marge: What kind of civilized people eat the body and blood of their savior!? [Camera pans to Reverend Lovejoy nervously fidgeting with his Clerical collar.]

Kodos: This is the best musical in light years.
Kang: Light years measure distance, not time.
Kodos: You know what I meant.

[Singing]
Moe: I just have to warn you, Marge.
My taste for romance is kinda perverse.
I can only make love in the back of a hearse
and I have to be dressed as a Civil War nurse.
But you could do worse.
Marge: I could do worse.
Barney, Carl and Lenny: We're proof that you could do worse.
Homer: She couldn't possibly do worse!

The Devil Wears Nada [21.05]

Pranks and Greens [21.06]

Rednecks and Broomsticks [21.07]

O Brother, Where Bart Thou? [21.08]

[Homer is extolling the virtues of girls over boys.]
Homer: Girls are easy! Girls love daddy, girls give birthday cards with glitter and sprinkles, and I don't have to tell them how their bodies work 'cause I don't know!
Bart: You never told me how my body works.
Homer: Point and shoot.

Bart: Are you sure this will work.
Milhouse: Hey, this is the DVD my parents used to make me.
Bart: So it kind of works.

Thursdays with Abie [21.09]

Once Upon a Time in Springfield [21.10]

Milhouse: First girls ruin Sex in the City, and now this.

Commercials

Season Two

Dad Says No Teasing! (Butterfinger)

Bart: Behold, the last Butterfinger in the whole house, and I have it!
Lisa: Dad says no teasing!
Bart: Nah nah nah nah nah nah! Whoa! Check out this smooth chocolatey outside, the crispety, crunchety, peanut buttery inside!
Lisa: Dad says, 'If you make a scream, you're dead meat!".
Bart: You wouldn't scream!
Lisa: (gasps in and screams) DAAAAAAD!!!!!
Bart: (shares one half of his Butterfinger with Lisa Simpson)
Homer: (crossly) Now what?
Lisa: Never mind.
Bart: Nobody better lay a finger on my "Butterfinger"!

The Bully

Nelson: Hey, paper bag head! (pushes people over)
Bart: Aw man, I'm dead meat on a stick!
Nelson: How much money have you got, Simpson?
Bart: (to Nelson) $1.03, Mr. Bully, sir.
Nelson: Keep your change!
Bart: (to Nelson) Thanks, man.
Nelson: Think I'll take that Butterfinger too! Ha ha!
Bart: Think again, Nelson, ha!
Announcer: Crispety, crunchety, peanut buttery Butterfinger
Bart: (takes a bite out of his Butterfinger) (to Nelson) Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger!
Nelson: Uh, ooph!
Announcer: And try new Butterfinger Ice Cream Bars!
Bart: Cool man, Butterfinger on a stick!
Maggie: (Takes a bite out of Bart's Butterfinger ice cream bar)
Bart: Aww.

Butterfinger Ice Cream Bars

Apu: At last, they're here! New Butterfinger Ice Cream Bars! (opens the box)
Apu and the Others: (gasp)
Bart Simpson: Hi, dudes!
Apu: Crispety crunchety outside, creamy ice cream inside.
Bart Simpson: Nobody better lay a finger...whoa! ooph, on my Butterfinger!

The Shocking Trap

Homer: Mmmmm...my little buddy's sleeping like a baby, he won't mind if I take a bite of his crispety, crunchety, peanut bu....(screams while getting electrocuted)
Bart: (turns on light) (to Homer) I told you Homer!
Homer: (groans)
Bart: Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger!

Season Three

You're Gonna Give Me a Big Surprise! (Butterfinger)

Bart: Mmmm!
Homer: Bart, I'm gonna open my mouth and close my eyes and you're gonna give me a big surprise!
Bart: Oooh!
Homer: Aaah! (pacifier stuck to his mouth after saying ah)
Announcer: Crispety, crunchety, peanut buttery Butterfinger
Homer: (muffled)
Bart: Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger!

We're Down to the Last Butterfinger!

Bart: Open Sesame!
Homer: Heh heh heh.
Store Owner: Hey Joe, we're down to last Butterfinger!
Bart & Homer Simpson: (screams) The Last Butterfinger?
Bart & Homer Simpson: (running and panting)
Homer: Oooh, ah-ha!
Bart: Oooh, ah-ha!
Bart & Homer Simpson: (running and panting)
Homer: (takes last Butterfinger) Heh-heh!
Bart: (crossly) Hey!
Homer: Oomph!
Bart: Simpson going deep!
Homer: (grunting)
Bart: Oomph!
(electronic cash register beeps)
Announcer: Get a crispety, crunchety, peanut buttery burst, in every bite of Butterfinger
Bart: Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger!

Karate

Akira: Hay-yah!
Milhouse: (falls to the floor)
Bart: Mmmm...
Akira: Ah, now little spike headed one.
Bart: Uh-oh!
Akira: First lesson. Yah!
Bart: (screaming) (hits head) Oomph!
Akira: Lesson #2
Bart: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Oomph!
Akira: Ah, now we take Butterfinger break!
Bart: (grunts)
Akira: Oooh!
Bart: Hoy-yah!
Announcer: Crispety, crunchety, peanut buttery Butterfinger
Bart: Lesson #3, (takes a bite of Butterfinger) Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger!
Announcer: And try new Butterfinger Ice Cream Nuggets!
Milhouse: I'll be your best friend!
Bart: You already are! (Takes a bite of Butterfinger Ice Cream Nugget)

Share 'Em, Eat 'Em (Butterfinger BB's)

Bart's Angel Form: Mmmm... Butterfinger BBs, why don't you share 'em!
Bart's Devil Form: Just eat 'em!
Bart's Angel Form: Share 'em!
Bart's Devil Form: Eat 'em!
Bart's Angel Form: Share 'em!
Bart's Devil Form: Eat 'em!
Announcer: New, crispety, crunchety, Butterfinger BB's
Bart's Devil Form: Come on, eat 'em all!
Bart: Mmmm. OK, (eat Butterfinger BB's) Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger!

One Less Sister! (Butterfinger BB's)

Bart: Hmmm...
Lisa: Math is easy, let's say you have fifteen Butterfinger BB's, and I take five of them, what do you have left?
Bart: One less sister!
Announcer: New, crispety, crunchety, Butterfinger BB's
Bart: Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger!

The Simpsons Ride

Homer: I hate chain reactions!
Homer and Marge: Aah!
Sideshow Bob: You've foiled my plans for the last time!
Bart: You soiled your pants for the last time? HAHA!
Lisa: We'll save you! Onward convenient whale!


Krusty: What do you want? (Doesn't realize he's Sideshow Bob)
Sideshow Bob: A dish best served cold!
Homer: Is it ice cream?
Sideshow Bob: No, revenge! (Hits Krusty with the gun, knocking him out) (Laughs maniacally)


Sideshow Bob: I've taken over every area of the park, there's no place you'll be safe from me. And now, enjoy a ride that's about to be demolished - while you're riding it!
Homer: Ooh, a roller coaster!
Lisa: I'm scared, Dad!
Homer: Sweetie, they won't kill you in an amusement park as long as you have a dime left in your pocket.
Sideshow Bob: There is nothing you can do! You're about to die!
Homer: You sound just like my doctor!
Simpson family: Aah!
Sideshow Bob: Ah, my next victims, so anyway...where were you all.
Homer: Bob, not only are you NOT killing us, I'm having fun!
Marge: Homie, they said to stay seated!
Homer: Oh, that's a load of---AHHHH!!! I always get sick flying backwards! D'oh! Hey, I can see our car! AHHHHH!!!! You guys haven't seen a giant steel ball have ya? AHHH! (giant steel ball rolls behind him) You don't wanna hurt me ball! (starts running) We're both big and round and never finished high school! Save me Tourists!


Sideshow Bob: I have five seconds to kill somebody.. (Notices riders) Hello, folks! (Couch falls on him)
Homer: What a horrible nightmare! Thank God this ride is over. (Huge Maggie tips over large Krusty head) Ahh!
Homer: Let's go again!
Krusty: Well that's our ride...hey what does THIS do?

See Also

The Simpsons Game

External links

Wikipedia
Wikipedia has an article about:

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