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Alan Partridge
Partridgedvd1.jpeg
First appearance Radio: On the Hour
Television: The Day Today
Portrayed by Steve Coogan
Information
Gender Male
Occupation Radio and television presenter, conference host
Spouse(s) Carol (divorced)
Significant other(s) Sonja
Children Fernando Partridge
Denise Partridge

Alan Gordon Partridge is a fictional television and radio presenter portrayed by English comedian Steve Coogan and invented by Coogan, Armando Iannucci, Stewart Lee and Richard Herring for the BBC Radio 4 programme On The Hour. A parody of both sports commentators and chat show presenters, the character has appeared in two radio series, three television series and numerous TV and radio specials, including appearances on BBC's Comic Relief, which have followed the rise and fall of his career.

Contents

Character

Whereas many of his personality defects are apparent in his appearances in shows such as The Day Today and Knowing Me, Knowing You with Alan Partridge, it is largely from I'm Alan Partridge onwards that his creators began to explore his personality in depth, and most of the observations that follow originated in that show.

In these shows, Partridge is characterised as an insecure, superficial and narcissistic 'wally', concerned largely with the status and level of his public profile and, to a lesser extent, the ostentatious possessions this allows him to acquire (such as his beloved Rover and Lexus cars and Bang & Olufsen stereo systems). Despite being a professional broadcaster, Partridge is a socially incompetent and awkward character prone to one-upmanship, embarrassing social faux pas and displays of deep insensitivity to social norms. Partridge's thoughtlessness and selfish lack of interest in anything beyond his own objectives exposes an unsympathetic character that is disliked and privately lampooned by many of those with whom he comes into contact. Among Partridge's few 'friends' are Lynn Benfield, his put-upon and long-suffering personal assistant, and Michael, an emotionally tortured ex-soldier from Newcastle upon Tyne. It is notable, however, that he treats even these people with little more than disdain despite expecting complete loyalty from them in return; in the first series of I'm Alan Partridge he does not even seem to be on first-name terms with Michael (who exclusively addressed him as Mr Partridge throughout the two series). Bizarrely, Alan appears to have a close friendship with Bill Oddie, who even sends him Christmas presents. Partridge is otherwise depicted as being unable to forge genuine friendships or connections with other people (who are, seemingly without exception, repelled by his unpleasant and self-absorbed personality).

Partridge is depicted as being a sexually repressed and prudish man, uncomfortable and awkward with overt (or even subtle) displays of sexual or romantic feelings, or what he views as being ‘perverted’ sexual practices. He is particularly discomforted by homosexuality, and despite describing himself as "homosceptic" at one point appears to possess some hidden homoerotic or bisexual tendencies. This is the subject of numerous running gags in I’m Alan Partridge, in particular his numerous efforts to deny his interest in Bangkok "lady-boys" (whom he describes as ‘fascinating creatures’ whilst insisting that he is merely confused by them and not attracted to them) and a recurrent gag in which he will daydream about performing an erotic dance in a peephole Pringle jumper and a vulcanised rubber thong for a selection of men (usually those who can help further his career in some way, such as Tony Hayers). He is also quite misogynistic, displaying a tendency to objectify and patronise women (who usually view him in some disdain). Despite this, in the second series of I’m Alan Partridge he manages to sustain a romantic relationship with Sonja, a scatterbrained 33-year-old immigrant from Ukraine who is quite devoted to him. Even this relationship, however, is marked by Alan’s open contempt for her, and it is apparent that her affection towards him is largely unreturned and that his relationship with her is mainly based on the boost to his ego that their 14-year age gap provides (which he is frequently heard boasting about).

No member of Partridge’s family is shown on any of the series that he appears in; however, his dysfunctional relationship with them informs much of the background of the show. In his early appearances, Alan was married to Carol; although never-seen on screen, she can be heard in the mock documentary 'Knowing Knowing Me, Knowing You' that accompanies the BBC Radio 4 series of 'Knowing Me, Knowing You' first broadcast in 1993. Their relationship appeared to be under a lot of strain. In the Christmas special Knowing Me, Knowing Yule, Alan attributed his rash and erratic behaviour to the fact that Carol had left him on Christmas Eve. By the time of I'm Alan Partridge, Alan and Carol are divorced, and while Alan lives in a Travel Tavern, Carol remains in their home with her new boyfriend, who Alan describes unflatteringly as "a narcissistic sports pimp" who apparently enjoys protein drinks. During their marriage, Alan and Carol had two children — Fernando (apparently named after the song by ABBA) and Denise — neither of whom are ever seen or heard on-screen. During the run of Knowing Me, Knowing You, Alan states that Fernando is studying at Christ's College, Cambridge. The next references to Alan's children are made in I'm Alan Partridge, in which Fernando hangs up on one of Alan's rambling go-nowhere telephone conversations, and in which a staff member at the Travel Tavern mentions that Denise has an oddly similar appearance to Alan. It is also revealed that Denise has a pierced navel, and that Fernando seems to spend much of his time in bed with a succession of girlfriends. The final mention of Alan's children is an offhand comment in the second episode of the second series of I'm Alan Partridge, in which Alan glibly states that he has access to his children, but that they have no desire to see him.

Outside of his all-consuming quest to be on television, his various appearances often demonstrate that Partridge does not possess a particularly rich or detailed personal life. In I’m Alan Partridge in particular, he is often shown to occupy himself with pointless or needless tasks, seemingly just to give himself something to do. This is particularly evident in the first series episode "Basic Alan", over the course of which he walks to a petrol station to buy 12 bottles of windscreen washer fluid for no apparent reason, spends time driving repeatedly around a ring road and purchases a packet of tungsten-tipped screws which he states he has no intention of ever using. Most of the interests he is depicted as having show him as out of touch with modern society in general; he describes Paul McCartney's band Wings as "the band The Beatles could have been" (by whom, his favourite album is, of course, Best of the Beatles, the joke here being that this album was in fact a cash-in effort by Pete Best that contained no actual Beatles music). In "Towering Alan" he claims to have a broad taste in music; he is a fan of Kate Bush, the Electric Light Orchestra, UB40, Def Leppard and particularly ABBA, the music of which is a recurrent theme in Knowing Me, Knowing You. In the second series episode "I Know What Alan Did Last Summer" he enthusiastically plays "air-bass" to the Gary Numan song "Music for Chameleons", and in "Never Say Alan Again" is seen drumming along inside his Lexus to the theme of Return of the Saint. The few hobbies he is depicted as indulging in include driving, rambling, birdwatching and collecting celebrity memorabilia.

Partridge is politically conservative, and his favourite newspaper is the Daily Mail, a right-leaning publication which he claims is "arguably the best newspaper in the world" in the episode Bravealan. He is very pro-law and has a strong stance on criminality, viewing hoodlums and miscreants as "sub-human scum". He also favours the death penalty for treason and murder. Despite these professed views, however, he appears to have no strong moral compunctions; in one episode he exploits an "all you can fit on a plate" breakfast deal at the Travel Tavern by bringing in a slightly larger plate of his own, a "scam" of which the staff are in fact fully aware but tolerate with amusement. Alan is not a fan of political correctness, stating on one occasion that it had in fact "gone mad" after being told that naked flames are not permitted on the forecourt of his local petrol station, thus curtailing his plans for a barbecue there. He has commented on the troubles in Northern Ireland stating that he believes both Gerry Adams and Martin McGuiness to be very clever men, though that he does not trust either of them as he believes Adams looks like a deputy headmaster and McGuiness looks like a clown without make-up. He has admiration for former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher and believes she was betrayed by her own party when she was forced out of Downing Street. Alan once caused a security alert at Choristers Country Club by booking a room under the name "The Real IRA".

Fictional biography

Early years and career

Within his fictional world, Partridge was born on 2 April 1955 in King's Lynn, Norfolk, England, and spent his childhood in Norwich. He was often bullied at school, as we find out in an episode of the original Knowing Me, Knowing You... with Alan Partridge radio show when Alan is hypnotised and regressed to his childhood, and reveals he was called "Smelly Alan Fartridge". In the second series of I'm Alan Partridge, Alan recounts a story about a time he was once caned for having a chalk penis drawn on the back of his school blazer by another student, an incident about which he still feels bitter. He appears to have had a lonely childhood, and in a 'Rural Alan' special feature (found on the DVD release of Knowing Me Knowing You with Alan Partridge) recounts how he would ramble about the Norfolk countryside in solitude, singing his favourite pop songs. He later married Carol, who gave birth to Alan's son Fernando and daughter Denise. Carol left Alan for a fitness instructor (whom Alan claims to be an "idiot"), and took the children with her.

Radio career

Alan worked his way upwards from a position as a DJ on Radio Smile on St Luke's hospital radio, until he left, after arguments with patients. He then began presenting the drive time Traffic Buster show on Radio Norwich, where he stayed for five years and was named sports reporter of the year in 1988. He then became a presenter on the BBC's Scoutabout programme, where he entered into the top eight of BBC sports reporters. Alan soon garnered a slot presenting sports news on BBC Radio 4's On the Hour programme (1991) presented by Chris Morris. On that show Alan suffered from a severe lack of any sporting knowledge and developed a notable talent for mixed and/or nonsensical metaphors.

Alan got his first starring role in 1992 as host of BBC Radio 4's Knowing Me, Knowing You... with Alan Partridge (a spoof chat show with fictional guests). He managed to offend people on his show who would then attempt to disgrace the host. During his tenure on the show, Alan hit a child genius, unknowingly took cocaine, bribed rent boys, lost his wife's car in a bet, was openly homophobic, forced the resignation of a junior government minister and, in the series finale, his guest Lord Morgan of Glossop died of an apparent heart attack.

There was also a one off spoof-documentary about the show called Knowing, Knowing Me, Knowing You. It provided a behind-the-scenes look at how the show was put together and the antagonism between Alan and those who worked for him, as well as giving insight into the problems with his marriage to Carol.

The Day Today

On The Hour transferred to television as The Day Today in 1994, where Alan continued as the inept sports reporter ("This is Sports Desk... I'm Alan Partridge"). Here he bungled his way through a feature on the 1994 FIFA World Cup, gave a colourful report on the previous sporting season, made a complete mess of reporting the recent horse racing tournament, and was beaten up by a female martial-arts instructor.

Knowing Me, Knowing You

The transition to television was to be a success for Alan and was swiftly followed by a television version of Knowing Me, Knowing You... with Alan Partridge. The format was largely the same as the radio show, with the addition of a house band under the directorship of Glen Ponder (played by musical comedian Steve Brown). In the sixth episode, Alan accidentally shot dead one of his guests (Forbes McAllister) on air while examining one of Lord Byron's duelling pistols. He was cleared of any wrongdoing by an internal BBC investigation. The show featured an Alan Partridge tie and blazer badge set which, like the Alan Partridge face mask, was produced but never marketed - instead the famous "Tie and Blazer Badge Set" was included as part of a Boxed Set of videos released towards the end of the 1990s.

In reality, KMKYWAP was a huge success; in the fictional world of Alan Partridge, it suffered from terrible ratings. This was because of "poor scheduling" (The show was aired at the same time as the News at Ten) and Alan's PA, Lynn, claimed that "the show started badly and went downhill from there". In the end the show was taken off the air at the end of the first series.

In 1995, Alan hosted a Christmas special of KMKYWAP, humorously titled Knowing Me, Knowing Yule. One of his guests was the (fictional) director of programming at the BBC, Tony Hayers (later to become Alan's nemesis, played by David Schneider). Alan, with a characteristic lack of subtlety, was seen probing for a new series of KMKYWAP. However, the show was an unmitigated disaster for Alan, as his attempt at product placement was blatantly exposed, and the show climaxed with Alan punching both a man in a wheelchair and Tony Hayers (twice) with his hand inside a partridge. After punching Hayers for the first time, Partridge begged "please don't take my chat away from me", then after punching him a second time declared "I'll never work in broadcasting again". Mick Hucknall of Simply Red then played the show out. It was clearly the beginning of the end of his time at BBC television. He was "kept on the books", as it were, for a short while, but after a particularly harrowing meeting with Hayers at the BBC cafeteria (which involved assault by cheese) he was left in no doubt that his BBC TV career was over.

I'm Alan Partridge

Partridge next appeared in I'm Alan Partridge (1997), a look behind the scenes of his rapidly failing career. In this television series, he is seen having gained a slot on the fictional Radio Norwich. He continues to cause offence, this time mainly to his listeners. He also has a bad relationship with his colleague Dave Clifton (played by Phil Cornwell), Alan occasionally insults him while introducing him on his show (for example in ‘Alan Attraction’ Alan says "Here's a man who indeed won't be killing anyone with syphilis"). However Dave usually gets the better of Alan except in ‘Basic Alan’ where he tells Dave to "fuck off" after he torments him over a recent incident with a traffic cone, Dave is stunned by this and lays into Alan by claiming that "dead-air is a crime and that it is terrible that he has to fill it with swearing on his show". Alan's comeback refers to the correct time (7.01am) and that it is Dave's show and he is merely a guest whom Dave has failed to control, he then says "Read the smallprint on your cone-tract". By this stage in his life Alan had been kicked out by his wife and, after wandering around a John Menzies for five hours in a state of depressed homelessness, Alan had been forced to take up residence in the equally fictional Linton Travel Tavern, which he chose because it is "equidistant between London and Norwich". The first episode featured Alan meeting Tony Hayers, begging for a new series on the BBC. Hayers was not impressed, and Alan had to wrap up his production company Peartree Productions, firing all its staff including Jill (whom he had feelings for and had one-night stand with; albeit unsuccessful). During his time at the Linton Travel Tavern, we discovered more about Alan's failed marriage, his children and his obsession with "Bangkok Chick Boys". In ‘Watership Alan’ he was crushed by a dead cow after insulting farmers on his show. And in ‘To Kill a Mocking Alan’ he was nearly kidnapped by his "number one fan", a crazed lunatic called Jed Maxwell.

In the final episode, Tony Hayers died after a fall from a roof, and one of Alan's old friends, Chris Feather, took over as head of programmes at the BBC. However, at the decisive moment when the new executive was about to sign a five-year contract, he keeled over and died, forcing Alan to forge the dead man's signature.

(Note: in the fictional world of Alan Partridge, this was not a documentary, but actually a "post-documentary". In the commentary on the DVD, Alan explains that all the events depicted in the series actually occurred, but everyone in the show, apart from himself and his personal assistant Lynn Benfield (played by Felicity Montagu who went on to play a vicar's wife in Nighty Night), were actors hired to portray the events in the Linton Travel Tavern "after they had actually occurred".)

Alan's next appearance was in a 1999 half-hour special filmed for Comic Relief in which Alan started to lose the plot, foreshadowing his mental breakdown in the second series of I'm Alan Partridge. A simulcast between BBC Two and Radio Norwich, Alan appears incoherent and incapable of keeping track of the format of his own show. A second Comic Relief appearance followed in 2001, showing him interviewing a boxing manager, played by Peter Kay. Eventually, this resulted in Alan taking on one of the boxers in the ring and being beaten by the boxer, the manager and his friend Michael.

Coogan was apparently reluctant to continue playing the character, but returned for a second series of I'm Alan Partridge in 2002.

In the second series Alan was temporarily living in a caravan while waiting for his new house to be built. Despite his five-year contract with the BBC, Alan claims to his old school teacher "Sweaty" Frank Raphael in ‘The Talented Mr. Alan’ that there was "bad blood" between them and they were "bitter bastards" plus every profession has its "shits", so they had to let him go.

Alan returned to radio, securing the "third best slot on Radio Norwich", presenting Norfolk Nights, a big leap from his former timeslot of 4am to 7am, when he presented Up With the Partridge. Alan also presents a military-based quiz show called Skirmish on the (fictional) cable station UK Conquest, and has a deal with Meteor Productions to make the Crash! Bang! Wallop!... What a Video/Scum on the Run series of car-crash videos.

In the period from his time at the Linton Travel Tavern to his residence in the temporary "static home", Alan suffered a mental breakdown and put on weight, or as he put it, was "clinically fed up" and "repellent to women for two years". This collapse culminated in Alan driving a Vauxhall Vectra to Dundee in his bare feet while gorging himself on Toblerone (in a similar incident, Alan recounts throwing all his tax receipts off a ferry). However, by 2002, his life was firmly back on track, save for the odd glitch. He even had a Ukrainian girlfriend called Sonja, who was 33 years old — 14 years younger than himself (a point Alan emphasises with the smug exclamation, "Cashback!"). This period in Alan's life is documented in his autobiography Bouncing Back, which Alan claims has been described as "lovely stuff" by entertainer Shakin' Stevens.

Memorable moments of this series include Alan dry-vomiting his way through a speech about fireplaces after impaling his foot on a spiked fence; mistakenly getting involved with swingers; attacking a six-foot stuffed Beefeater bear; his summing up the entire opening of The Spy Who Loved Me in less than a minute during a failed attempt at a 24-hour Bondathon; Lynn's baptism at her Baptist church and, of course, the sad pulping of his autobiography which, despite taking up four weeks of his life to write, simply wasn't selling well (partly because every anecdote ended with the phrase "Needless to say, I had the last laugh".) Unfortunately, Alan tells us, it seems the public was more concerned with buying gangster autobiographies like Bad Slags.

The second series saw a move away from the drier and more realistic style of the first, a move that was at odds with more recent sitcoms, most notably The Office. This led to it being less well received than the first. Surprisingly, producer and co-writer of the series, Armando Iannucci states in the commentary to his own DVD of The Armando Iannucci Shows, that he had recently re-watched the second series of I'm Alan Partridge, and describes it as "terrible". On the DVD commentary of the second series of I'm Alan Partridge, Steve Coogan appears surprised at the over-the-top style he used to play Alan in the 2002 series, calling it "big acting".

Anglian Lives

In 2003, Alan again returned to our screen in a half-hour special of Anglian Lives (also known as "Anglian Alan"), a fictional regional BBC show. This was presented by Ray Woollard (Peter Baynham) and "Digital Dave", and was basically a sycophantic look at Alan's career, past and present; the credits listed it as being executive produced by Alan himself. It shed more detail on Alan's hatred of London, his Toblerone addiction, and his future.

Alan Partridge: The Movie

In April 2005, Coogan's production firm Baby Cow announced that an Alan Partridge movie was in the pipeline.[1][2] It was later revealed the film would involve an al-Qaeda siege. Due to the sensitivities of such a storyline after the 7 July 2005 London bombings, the project was put on hold,[3] but in November 2007, further details of the film were released.[4]

The plot of the film has Alan Partridge attempting another comeback from local radio, only to have his ambitions thwarted when Middle Eastern terrorists hijack the BBC offices. Coogan has written some dialogue, but has said he is not sure whether he wants to revisit his most famous creation. "Part of me wants to do it, part of me wants to do other things," he said in a recent interview.[5] Playwright Patrick Marber, whose early collaborations with Coogan included The Day Today and being the principal writer of both radio and TV versions of Knowing Me, Knowing You... with Alan Partridge, has also been working on the script, but the pair put their plans on hold following the London bombings, for fear the screenplay would appear in bad taste. Actress Felicity Montagu, who plays Partridge's PA Lynne, said last year: "There was a lot of talk about it, but then the London bombings happened and it got put to one side. I'm sure Steve will write an Alan Partridge film eventually. But for the moment I don't think it's happening."[citation needed]

In 2005, Armando Iannucci, who helped Coogan create Partridge, said he did not want to be involved in any movie spin-off, saying: "Steve wants to do an Alan Partridge film, but I couldn't bear to go through that again. For me, the idea of spending two more years in a room with that voice is more than I can take". However, in more recent interviews, Iannucci has been more positive about the idea and it is expected that both he and Peter Baynham will be involved in writing the film, if it happens.

A final decision on the whether the film will be made or not is expected in March 2010. [6]

Recent activity

Anglian Lives was the last time Alan Partridge appeared on TV in his own programme. It is unknown whether he will return, but writer Armando Iannucci says it is "doubtful".

In 2004 Coogan also gave an interview with Now magazine, and when asked "Is it true that you're killing off Alan Partridge?", Coogan replied: "No, not at all. What's he up to at the moment? Well, I'd say he's being cryogenically preserved next to Walt Disney. Don't worry. When the day comes that I feel like I need to do something else with him, I'll defrost him and make him funny again."

This occurred briefly for Comic Relief 2005, when Alan appeared to interview a grown-up, openly gay Milkybar Kid (played by Simon Pegg). This involved a lot of recycled material from previous live appearances. There was some homoeroticism between Alan and the Milky Bar Kid which resulted in Alan agreeing to rent a caravan and go hiking with him.

In August 2004 a small piece appeared in the Metro newspaper which claimed that: "Steve Coogan got the green light from a US studio to play the spoof DJ on the big screen." Coogan reportedly said: "It's always been my plan to make Alan go global. It's what he lives for really, not just doing the show on Radio Norwich." Other sources confirm the film will be going ahead and ITV has reported that Victoria Beckham will be playing a "demanding diva" in the film. Coogan has since denied that Beckham will appear.

Steve Coogan's profile on the BBC Comedy website talks of another series featuring Alan Partridge, entitled I'm Still Alan Partridge.[7] However this was in fact the provisional title for I'm Alan Partridge series 2.

It has been reported that Coogan will resurrect the character for some planned stand up shows in 2008, alongside some of his other old characters, such as Paul Calf.[8] Also, in a recent interview, Coogan confirmed that Partridge would return at some stage, for either a film or a Television special.[9]

In October 2008 Alan returned as part of the tour "Steve Coogan is Alan Partridge and other less successful characters". Alan is now a life coach and claims to have helped such celebrities as Ross Kemp, Vinnie Jones, Jeremy Kyle, and the Cheeky Girls.

In November 2008, Coogan stated that he has some ideas for what to do with Partridge next on TV and that he's glad to be well known for playing him, despite it over-shadowing most of his other ventures. "As a character he's given me the opportunity to play lots of other characters and to have other opportunities in film and television. So I can't resent him really. And I enjoy playing him, performing him because it's very comfortable. It's like putting on an old jacket".[10]

List of appearances

  • On the Hour (BBC Radio 4, series) 1991
  • On the Hour (BBC Radio 4, series) 1992
  • Knowing Me, Knowing You... with Alan Partridge (BBC Radio 4, series) 1992
  • Knowing, Knowing Me, Knowing You (BBC Radio 4, spoof documentary) 1992
  • The Day Today (BBC Two, spoof news series) 1994
  • Knowing Me, Knowing You with Alan Partridge (BBC Two) 1994
  • A Christmas Ramble (BBC Two, spoof documentary) 1994
  • Comic Relief (BBC One, with John Thomson) 1995
  • Knowing Me, Knowing Yule with Alan Partridge (BBC Two, Xmas special) 1995
  • The Big Snog (Live show in support of gay rights) 1996
  • I'm Alan Partridge (BBC Two, series) 1997
  • Clive Anderson: All Talk (BBC One, spoof interview) 1997
  • Election Night Armistice (BBC Two, political satire show) 1997
  • Brit Awards (ITV, presenting award for Best Video to the 'not unattractive' All Saints) 1998
  • Steve Coogan Live: The Man Who Thinks He's It (Live show) 1998
  • Comic Relief (BBC Two, with Bryan Ferry) 1999
  • Comedy Awards (performing a duet with Elton John) 2000
  • Comic Relief (BBC One, featuring Peter Kay) 2001
  • I'm Alan Partridge (BBC Two, series) 2002
  • Anglian Lives (BBC Two, spoof career retrospective - also featuring Peter Baynham) 2003
  • Cream of British Comedy (Live show) 2004
  • Cream of British Comedy (DVD) 2005, as well as live show includes Radio Norwich extras such as Alan meets Roger Daltrey
  • Comic Relief (BBC One, monologue; KMKY-style (fictional) interview featuring Simon Pegg as the Milky Bar Kid) 2005
  • Steve Coogan is Alan Partridge and other less successful characters Live ( live tour in which Alan has become a life coach ) 2008

References

External links


Quotes

Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

Alan Partridge is a fictional character portrayed by English comedian Steve Coogan. Two radio and three television series have presented this spoof television and radio presenter through his career - as well as several TV and radio specials, plus appearances on BBC's Comic Relief.

Contents

I'm Alan Partridge

  • "Ha ha ha ha ha. You've got to laugh when you fall off a sofa! Bloody Sofa"
  • "Aha!"
  • "Lynn! You couldn't present a... cat!"
  • "Oh cook a cat!"
  • "Well there's no need for that!"
  • "Mrs Moneypenny's an eejit! she's an eejit!"
  • "I'm leaving you, you cow!"
  • "Bash your arse!"
  • "No not my face i'm doing a photo shoot tomorrow for vision express"
  • "Can I just read you something from Top Gear magazine"
  • "Not my words Carol the words of Top Gear magazine"
  • "Well, you're in the right ballpark. No, it actually says Cock, Piss, Partridge."
  • "There's never any graffiti in the hotel. Although in the Gents a couple of weeks a go I did see someone had drawn a lady's part. Quite detailed. The guy obviously had talent."
  • "Guide dogs for the blind. It's cruel really, isn't it? Getting a dog to lead a man round all day. Not fair on either of them."
  • "I'd love to get my hands on the bastard. Or bitch, might be a lady."
  • "I'm sorry, that was just a noise."
  • "Do you want some sugarpuffs"
  • "I'm gonna hump ya... like Deputy Dawg... would hump ya"
  • "Good. Got my fungal foot powder? Ah, it's a lifesaver, you know. I'd effectively be disabled if it weren't for these."
  • "Right, dry skin cream. I'm having an attack of the old flakes again. This morning my pillow looked like a flapjack."
  • "I've been working like a Japanese prisoner of war. But a happy one."
  • "Rolled on the thighs of a virgin."
  • "Lynn's not my wife. She's my PA. Hard-worker, but there's no affection."
  • "In fact, you know, the best thing I ever did was get thrown out by my wife! She's living with a fitness instructor. He drinks that yellow stuff in tins. He's an idiot"
  • "BANG! I'm James Bond"
  • "Do you know what this bathroom says to me? Aqua. Which is French for water. It's like being inside an enormous Fox's Glacier Mint. Which, again, to me is a bonus."
  • "Yes, it's an extender! Fantastic. That is the icing on the cake."
  • Alan has a confronatation with a former schoolmate regarding being caned as a teenager for having a chalk penis drawn on his back. "That was a long time ago Alan!" "That's what Nazi war criminals say!"
  • "I do like that toilet. It's very futuristic, isn't it? Very, sort of, high-tech, space age. I can imagine Buck Rogers taking a dump on that. In the twenty-first century. Can I, have a go?"
  • "We managed to rectify it, though, because it now says, by adapting it, "Cook" where it once said "Cock", and it says "Pass" now where it once said "Piss", so it's slightly less rude."
  • "All this wine nonsense! You get all these wine people, don't you? Wine this, wine that. Let's have a bit of red, let's have a bit of white. Ooh, that's a snazzy bouquet. Oh, this smells of, I don't know, basil. Sometimes you just want to say, sod all this wine, just give me a pint of, mineral water."
  • "Can I just shock you? I like wine. Despite what I just said earlier. At any one time I have nine bottles of wine in my house."
  • "And, can I have the same, please? But with different shaped pasta. What do you call those pasta in bows? Like a bow-tie, but miniature? Like an action man bow-tie."
  • "Alright, I'll rephrase the question. Can I... no, actually, I'll just repeat the question: have I got a second series?"
  • "Yeah, give me another series you shit."
  • "Tony, I've, look I've just bought a house. It's got a Buck Rodgers toilet. One yank, all gone!"
  • "Well Sonia, that was classic intercourse. So... thanks!"
  • "Jurassic Park!"
  • "Kiss my face."
  • "I like your berets."
  • "Back of the net!"
  • "Smell my cheese, you mother!"
  • "Lynn I'm not coming to your baptist church! They always get people when they're down."
  • In response to Jed Maxwell wanting Alan to meet his brother - ‘No way you big spastic, you're a mentalist!’
  • While hosting his radio slot "Alan's Deep Bath" : "We're down to the final lather...just relax...there's a foamy bit on your shoulder - let's make it even more frothy with a squirt of light lemon liquid. Don't you feel good....careful not to fall asleep and slip under, there's some terrible statistics about that."
  • In response to the offer of a drink at a swinging couple's house, Lynn says ‘No thanks, I don't want to be part of your sex festival.’ Alan questions, ‘Festival?’
  • After he eats an apple pie heated in a microwave, Alan exclaims ‘How long did you put that in for Lynn? It's hotter than the sun!’
  • When having a vision of himself lapdancing wearing an annorach and a thong and sparkling platformed boots in rythm to clubland music in front of Tony Hayres for the first time "Do you want me to lapdance for you?" ,Hayers offers him £20, "uh-uh I want a second series"
  • When having another of his numerous lapdancing visions after nearly being arrested for traffic cone theft "Do you want me to lapdance for you?, "my peep-hole pringle is modelled on an s.a.s balaclava, sweet feet ooooh", then he appears with two cones over his nipples "Do you like my cones? they are little ones i got them from a cycling test centre". "My license is clean yours is dirrty, you have six points I've got two.....points"
  • After it is explained to Alan why jockeys are short in stature: ‘I see! That's why you never see people like Brian Blessed riding horses, it makes sense.’
  • Alan proposing a possible programming idea: ‘Jet from Gladiators to host a millennium barn dance at Yeovil aerodrome. Properly policed. It must not, I repeat not, turn into an all-night rave.’
  • The superbly scripted rhetorical argument: ‘I just want to be able to say “I'm Alan Partridge. Join me tonight when my guests will be, I don't know, Chris Rea”. Actually, he lives in the area. I could have had him over. “Alright Chris!”, “Hello Alan I didn't know you'd moved in”, “Yeah, just moved in, last week. I'm having a barbecue, fancy coming over?”, “I'd love to! Do you mind if I bring my guitar?”, “I'd rather you didn't, it's not that kind of area. Do you like Mini Kievs?”, “I love them! But my wife's vegetarian”, “Doesn't matter. She can have fish”, “No she won't eat that either”, “Oh forget it!. You people”. Go on, Lynn. These people are starting to annoy me.’
  • Alan addressing the widow of a recently deceased 40 year old: ‘All those people who go around saying “Life begins at forty”. They're notable by their absence. The nerve.’
  • When asked what upset him at the country fair, Alan replies: ‘Just people. I just hate the general public’
  • Commenting on the fact that one cannot have naked flames on a petrol station's forecourt: 'It's political correctness gone mad.'
  • Alan prepares for a confrontation: ‘The temperature inside this apple pie is over 1000 degrees. If I squeeze it, a jet of molten bramley apple will squirt out. Could go your way; could go mine. Either way, one of us is going down!’
  • Alan noting the behaviour of a visitor to a petrol station: ‘Is he gonna get any petrol? No he's using the forecourt to turn around... he thinks he's Rod Stewart!’
  • Alan, when imagining himself gyrating seductively in front of the BBC Director General, wearing only his Y-fronts, socks and a golfing sweater with ‘nipple holes’ cut into it... ‘Would you like me to lap dance for you?’
  • Talking to two Irish television producers about the Irish Potato Famine: ‘At the end of the day, they will pay the price for being a fussy eater. If they could afford to emigrate, they could afford to eat at a modest restaurant.’
  • Discussing his love of the band U2 :- "Sunday Bloody Sunday. What a great song. It really encapsulates the frustration of a Sunday, doesn't it? You wake up in the morning, you've got to read all the Sunday papers, the kids are running round, you've got to mow the lawn, wash the car, and you just think 'Sunday, bloody Sunday!'.
  • While playing the Crisis Zone arcade game against a child: ‘Shitty zombies!’
  • While explaining the opening scene of The Spy Who Loved Me,‘"He's being chased by these Russian shits in black jumpsuits, with lemon piping’
  • When trying to conjure up images of 'real Irish people' he includes "Bucktoothed simpletons... horses running through the streets... badly tarmacced drives in THIS country."
  • ‘My girlfriend is 14 years younger than me. Cashback!’
  • Contemplating his relationship with his girlfriend ‘Well Sonja, that was classic intercourse.’
  • After inventing a ladyboys chaser consisting of a pint, a baileys irish cream and a gin and tonic. 'Ooh Ladyboys'
  • 'Ruddy hell its Soft Cell'
  • Arriving at a conference centre, 'The security in this place is terrible - I booked the room under the name of the Real IRA. I'd better go and tell them it's really me.' (Opens door and policemen are visible in the background. Closes the door quickly) 'We have to leave...Crossed wires...'
  • When talking to an East Anglian farmer on his radio show, ‘You feed beefburgers to swans!’
  • 'If you see a lovely field with a family having a picnic, and a nice pond in it, you fill in the pond with concrete, you plow the family into the soil, you blow up the tree, and use the leaves to make a dress for your wife who is also your brother.'
  • After having one of his James Bond videotapes recorded over by Michael's friend; Tex:‘I really wanted to see America's Strongest Man...’ -- Alan:‘Well now you've got Norfolk's Maddest Man!’
  • After having his entire collection of James Bond videos ruined when Lynn spills Sunny Delight over them, Alan takes a hammer and all his boxes of cereal outside the caravan. 'What you doing Mr Partridge?' 'I'm destroying my cereals.'
  • On making a documentary for canal boats: ‘This chemical toilet is a Saniflow 33, now this little babe can cope with anything, and I mean anything. Earlier on I put in a pound of mashed up Dundee cake, let's take a look...not a trace! Peace of mind I'm sure, especially if you have elderly relatives on board.’
  • ‘In my mind God made Adam and Eve, he didn't make Adam and Steve.’
  • To Sonja: ‘I love you, in a way.’
  • Sonja: "I love you Alan!"; Alan: "Thanks a lot!"
  • To the builders: 'I was repellant to Women... for two years'
  • To the BBC Head of Programming: ‘Smell my cheese, you mother!’ and 'Give me another series you shit'
  • After being asked had vandals got to his car again: ‘'Fraid so, third time. Scum. Sub-human scum.’
  • To Lynn when she tells him they have to go to her mother's grave before watching all the James Bond films back to back: ‘The underground base of an evil genius ... then Doctor No.’
  • When the tax inspectors are at the door "Hello we're from the Inland Revenue"(tax inspectors) "No you're not"(Alan) "Yes we are"(tax inspectors) "Oh right come in"(Alan)
  • Trying to grab his new friend Dan's attention in a car park: ‘Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Oh, he's not seeing me, I'll get him later. ... Dan!’
  • ‘Oh, butter my arse!’
  • ‘Abso-bloody-exactly!’
  • ‘Quick tip for yourself: if you're ever doing an after-dinner speech, you say "My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, sorry I'm late, I just popped to the toilet. And while I was there, I saw some graffiti and it said "I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure"". Straight away you've got them by the jaffas.'
  • 'That's gash'
  • On being asked by Ben who Wings were: 'They’re only the band the Beatles could have been.'
  • 'Lynne, some of these people have come from Stoke.'
  • 'Stop getting Bond wrong!'
  • 'Convoy? Michael, you're hanging around with a man who uses a collective term for a single vehicle.'
  • Upon answering the phone 'Sir Dansworth of Moodyshire! As I live and breathe.'
  • In celebration: "Jack-anack-anory"
  • Lynn enters the caravan while Alan is talking to the tax-collecters "Oh Lynn! The fat envelope!......... not you Lynn"
  • "It's vulcanised rubber, which means it won't perish."
  • Talking to a recovered drug addict on Christian radio "have you ever shaved your crackling?"
  • At a bird sanctuary with Gill. "This is the best Valentines Day I've had in 8 years" "Why, what did you do 8 years ago?" "Just had a better one"
  • Alan denies sending a Valentine’s card to Sophie - "Oh God, no, no. I’m old enough to be her father! Well her older brother. Either way it’s incest!"
  • On discussing female aesthetics (Sonia's best points) with Lynne: "I don't like big feet. It reminds me of gammon."
  • "Crabsticks do not actually contain any crab and, since 1993, manufacturers have been legally obliged to call them crab-flavoured sticks."
  • "Big Yellow Taxi there by Joni Mitchell, a song in which she complains that they 'paved paradise to put up a parking lot' - a measure which actually would have alleviated traffic congestion on the outskirts of paradise. Something which Joni singularly fails to point out, perhaps because it doesn't quite fit in with her blinkered view of the world. Nevertheless, nice song."
  • "Just a little joke there about how infected spinal column affects the central nervous system... it's now 5.35am..."
  • "You make pigs smoke!"
  • When discussing his book, 'Bouncing Back', with Michael and reading one of the critics quotes: "Lovely stuff. Not my words Michael, the words of Shakin' Stevens"
  • When Lynn suggests Alan could save Pear Tree Productions by driving a Mini Metro, Alan: 'No! Go on, try and finish the sentence and see what I do. Go on.' Lynn: 'With a skeleton staff of two –' Alan: 'I’m not driving a mini-Metro, I’m not driving a mini-Metro, I’m not driving a mini-Metro.'
  • Oooh scary Irish men. Would you like to recruit me? I like your berets. They're worn by Saddam Hussain, Frank Spencer, the French.
  • Would you like me to lap dance for you? Uh uh, I want a second series.
  • It's vulcanised rubber which means it won't perish.
  • Would you like me to lap dance for you? Oooh my peep-hole pringle is modelled on an SAS balaclava. Sweet feet. Do you like my cones? They're little ones. I got them from a cycling test centre. I've got a clean license yours is dirty. You've got six points I've got two...points.
  • [Deleted scene] Tony Hayers. Deceased. Oooh the chances of my getting a second series have increased. Nice coffin you aught to preserve the surface with cooper oil or some other polyurithane based laquer or it'll go dull. Yeah we had our differences but at the end of the day YOU died. [laughs]
  • All right I'll admit it there's been a big conspiracy to deprive me of viewers and I'll tell you who's behind it as well. Your mates, that lot up there, the Mr and Missus of BBC 2. They don't like me they all went to Oxbridge University wherever that is and all go poncing round in their great big suits going "Ooh look at me I work for BBC2 do you like my glasses they're like John Lennon's. I loath these people. Every week just as I'm about to go on air a whole bank of them come into the studio and start going "You can't do that, you can't say this, you can't do..." GET OUT!!!
  • I wish all you BBC 2 people would just get in a bus and just drive over a cliff. I'd happily be the driver!
  • "Let Battle Commence!!"
  • I've got a chocolate Marble Arch. It's very well rendered.
  • Hi Susan. I was a bit bored so I dismantled my Corby Trouser Press. I can't put it back together again. Will that show up on my bill?
  • Classic conversation to Lynn about Dan: "Dan's a fantastic man! He really is. I was talking to him early and he asked me what kind of phone I had and I said a Motorola Timeport. And he said, 'that's saaad, you wana upgrade'. I said, so do you - to a new face. He nearly soiled himself! He said he was laughing so hard he had Kenco coming out of his nostrils, and that made me laugh. But...my nostrils were clear."
  • Hello is that Curry's? I'd like to place an order for two supplementary, auxiliary speakers, to go with my Midi Hi-Fi system, AproPo achieving surround sound. AproPo...it's Latin. You got to have a basic grasp of Latin if you're working in..Curry's. Oh you've got them excellent, I last thing, what time do you knock-off? Fancy going for a drink. No sorry just thought I'd ask.
  • To Tony Hayers: "Oh I read your article in the paper. I loved that phrase you used 'Revolution not Evolution'." Hayers: "No it was the oposite 'Evolution not Revolution'." "Well you know whatever. Because that is me. I evolve, but I don't revolve. Or vise-versa."
  • Britain has some of the safest roads in Europe, But this isn't Britain... Dis is Die Autobahn!
  • Alan - You threw a monkey into the sea!

Michael - Aye, he was trying nick me fags...200 duty free...he bounced of a rock first.

  • After his keyboard malfunctions at 'An afternoon with Alan Partridge'. "Sorry about that; a couple of gremlins in the system there, ghosts in the machine....perhaps a metaphor for (can't think of anything).....good evening..afternoon"
  • Using an elderly woman to demonstrate how to disable a terrorist: "The terrorist is disorientated by the stun grenade, he doesn't know what's going on.....move and fire, and move and fire, and move and fire"
  • One of the best scenes:

Alan: Grrrhhhhh!!!!
Susan: Arrggghhhh!!!
Alan: No I'm a zombie, I'm dressed as a zombie, I'm Alan Partridge!
Michael: Well can you come out please, Mr Partridge, because guests are not allowed behind reception.
Alan: Alright, alright. Look its just a joke, okay? It's backfired.
Ben: Is that blood?
Alan: It's tomato ketchup.
Susan: Why have you got a shower curtain round your neck.
Alan: I'm a zombie, I don't know, it's supposed to be a flap of skin or something.
Susan: Did you pull that off one of the showers?
Alan: No, I checked all the rings to make sure I could reattach them after, nothing has been damaged!
Michael: Why've you got biscuits sellotaped to your face?
Alan: There complimentary, its supposed to be flaky skin. Im a zombie.
Sophie: Whats that between your legs?
Alan: Its a flex of a mini kettle, its supposed to be a tail.
Sophie: Zombies don't have tails.
Alan: Alright, its inconsistent. Zombies by their very nature are inconsistent, they're a mishmash of different bits.
Ben: Nah that's Frankenstein.
Alan: Right, you've made two glaring errors!
Bens: What's that on your fingers?
Alan: They're tungsten-tip screws for claws. Right, error one - actually they're quite good for making a point aren't they? - error one, Frankenstein is the name of the creator, not the monster. Right error two right, Frankenstein is a zombie. Okay, he's a type of zombie. It;s like people when they say Tannoy when they mean public address system. Tannoy is a brand name. Why're you all staring at me? I'm not have a go at anyone, I'm having a pop at the undead. I mean do you see any upset zombies around?
Sophie: Just the one.
Alan: This country!

  • Have any of you seen the film The Crying Game? With the woman with the old tadger. I suppose the sequel will have a man with, a fanny.
  • So err, how many people were killed in the Irish famine?
  • To house salesman: "Actually the best thing I did, was to get thrown out by my wife. She's living with a fitness instructor. He drinks that yellow stuff in tins. He's an idiot. Is there a neighbour hood watch, sorry i'm very close to you."
  • I thought you were sexy, I don't now you're a bloke! I have a good mind to knock your block off!

After finishing a fry-up: "That's the best cooked breakfast I've had since Gary Wilmot's wedding"

The Day Today

  • On describing an aerial view of cyclists during the Tour de France "They look somehow like cattle in a mad way - but cattle on bikes."
  • Also during the Tour de France:- "No WAY! Surely the judges are going to come down like a tonne of bricks on THAT! Driving a car with bikes on the roof is not a sportsmanlike way to compete in the Tour de France."
  • To a self-defence instructor:- "Now, self defence is not just about punching someone repeatedly in the face until they're unconscious is it?"
  • During football commentary:- "Eat my goal!!"
  • During football commentary:- "TWAT!! That was liquid football!"
  • During football commentary:- "Shit!! Did you see that?! He must have a foot like a traction engine!!"
  • "That goalie has football pie all over his shirt!"
  • "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!...That, was a goal."
  • On footage of six year old girls playing on the steps at a race-course during a race meeting "Children there...fooling about! Let's just hope that.......tomfoolery....doesn't escalate into blind, ugly violence."
  • A the horse racing at 'marple':- "It's the 6.30 Queen Henry stakes, which is generally regarded as the litmus test for Derby form. Jockey folklore says that if you cock up the Queen Henry, you might as well ride the Derby on a cow"
  • On being told of electrolysis as a solution to unsightly facial hair: - "Electrolysis. For hair removal... and... dissidents."

References

"I'm Alan Partridge" quotes from the BBC television series "I'm Alan Partridge" [[1]]
"On The Hour" quotes from the BBC Radio 4 program "On The Hour" [[2]]

External Links

[Alan Partridge.co.uk]: Fan site with audio and video links.

Wikipedia
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