From Wikiquote
South Park is an animated
series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and
airing on Comedy Central since 1997, it follows the surreal
adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South
Park, Colorado.
Contents
Early shorts/Pilot
episodes
- Stan?: Dude!
- Kyle?: What?
- Stan?: Don't put the magic hat on the
snowman.
- Kyle?: Why?
- Stan?: 'Cause if you do, he's gonna come to
life.
- Kyle?: Cool!
- Stan?: No, it's not cool! My sister, in-in
Minnesota, put a hat on a snowman and it tried to kill her!
- Kyle?: F*** him, let's do it anyway!
- Kyle?: Oh my God! Frosty killed Kenny!
- Stan?: Dude, I told you not to put that
f***ing hat on Frosty's f***ing head, now, didn't I!
- Kyle?: Well I'm sorry, Mr.
Rocket-f***ing-scientist! What are we supposed to do now?!
- Kyle?: (After running from Frosty) Uh, you
know something, I don't think that was the real Santa Claus.
- Stan?: Oh, no s***, Sherlock! Now what are we
gonna do?
- Kyle: Don't you oppress me,
fat boy!
- Cartman: Don't call me fat,
butt fucker!
- Kyle: Then don't belittle my people, you
fucking fat-ass!
- Cartman: Goddammit, don't call me fat, you
butt-f**ing son of a B*tch!!
- Jesus: Behold my glory.
- Stan: Holy s***, it's Jesus!
- Cartman: What are you doing in South Park,
Jesus?
- Jesus: I come seeking retribution.
- Stan: [gasps] He's come
to kill you 'cause you're Jewish, Kyle!
- Kyle: Oh, f***! I'm sorry, Jesus! Don't kill
me!
- Jesus: Nay, fear not. I love all my
children.
- Kyle: Whew.
- Jesus: Tomorrow is my birthday, yet all is not
right.
- Stan: Your birthday is on Christmas? That
sucks, dude!
- Jesus: I must find a place called the
mall.
- Kyle: Well, we can take you to the mall,
Jesus.
- Stan: Yeah! It's over this way!
- Cartman: Goddammit, you stepped on my foot,
you pig-f***er!
- Stan: Dude! Don't say pig-f***er in front of
Jesus!
- Cartman: Ah, f*** you!
- Stan: Here we are Jesus, South Park mall. Who
are you looking for?
- Jesus: HIM!!
- Santa: Ho ho ho ho! We meet again Jesus!
- Jesus: You have blemished the meaning of
Christmas for the last time Kringle!
- Santa: I bring happiness to Children all over
the world!
- Jesus: Christmas is for celebrating my
birth!
- Santa: Christmas is for giving!
- Jesus: I'm here to put an end to your
blasphemy!
- Santa: This time we finish it! There can be
only one!
- Stan: Dude this is pretty f***ed up over
here.
- Jesus: Boys, help me put an end to him once
and for all.
- Santa: No, boys, help me. So
that I can put an end to him.
- Jesus: God is watching you boys. You know who
to help.
- Santa: Stan, remember the choo-choo when you
were three?
- Jesus: I died for your sins, boys. Don't
forget that.
- Stan: I don't know what to do, dude! Who
should we help?
- Cartman: I say we help Santa Claus.
- Kyle: Aw, you're just saying that because he
brings you candy.
- Cartman: Hey! I don't need to take that kinda
s*** from a Jew!
- Kyle: You're such a fat fuck, Cartman, that
when you walk down the street, people go "God Dammit, that is a big
fat fuck!"
Cartman: OH, Yeah?! Well, listen here!
- Kyle: SHUT UP!
- Kyle:We actually met, we actually spoke with,
the Brian Boitano!
- Stan: Yeah, and you know, I think learned
something today. It doesn't matter if you're Christian or Jewish or
Atheist or Hindu. Christmas, still, is about one very important
thing--
- Cartman: Yeah, ham.
- Stan: No, not ham, you fat fuck!
- Cartman: Fuck you!
- Stan: Christmas is about something much more
important.
- Kyle: What?
- Stan: Presents.
- Kyle: Ah.
- Stan: Don't you see, Kyle?
- Kyle: Yeah.
- Stan: Presents.
- Kyle: Hey man, if you're Jewish, you get
presents for eight days!
- Stan: Wow, really?! Count me in!
- Cartman: Yeah, I'll be a Jew too!
Season 1
- Chef: [gets out of his car] Hello
there, children!
- Boys: Hey, Chef!
- Stan: What's gonna be for lunch today,
Chef?
- Chef: Well, today, it's Salisbury steak with
buttered noodles, and a choice of green-bean casserole or Vegetable
Medley.
- Cartman: Kick ass.
- Stan: Yeah, whatever, you fat bitch.
- Ms. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
- Stan: I said I have a bad itch.
- Ms. Crabtree: Oh.
- Kyle: Dude, I have to save Ike! I don't even
know what to do!
- Stan: Well, we can't do anything now; that fat
bitch won't let us!
- Ms. Crabtree: [shouts] WHAT DID YOU
SAY?!
- Stan: I said, "Rabbits eat lettuce."
- Ms. Crabtree: Oh. Well, yes, they certainly
do.
- Cartman: [singing] Stan wants to
kiss Wendy Testaburger.
- Stan: Shut up, fat ass! I don't even like
her!
- Cartman: I'm not fat, and you obviously like
her, because you throw up every time she talks to you.
- Stan: I do not!
- [after seeing a crop circle on the news that looks just
like him]
- Cartman: Hey, that kind of looks like...Tom
Selleck.
- Kyle: Ike! Go home!
- Cartman: Yeah, get away from me, you freaking
dildo!
- Kyle: Dude! Don't call my brother a
dildo!
- Stan: What's a dildo?
- Kyle: [speaking to aliens]
V-visitors? This morning you took my brother, Ike. [sad,
dramatice music begins playing] He's a little freckled kid
that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him
away, but I've learned something today: That having a little
brother is a pretty special thing. Aw, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just
a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in
your hearts or whatever you have to give my brother back to
me...[starts silently crying]...it sure would make my life
brighter again. [turns back to aliens]
- Stan: That was beautiful, dude.
- Kyle: Did it work?
- Stan: No. They're leaving.
- Kyle: Hey, you scrawny-ass shit! What the fuck
is wrong with you, hmm?! You must be some kind of fuckin' asshole
to be able to ignore a crying child!
- Stan: Whoa, dude!
- Kyle: You know what you fuckers like?! You
like to !@#$% and !@#$% and !@#$% and !@#$%
and !@#$% and !@#$%!
- Stan: Hey Wendy, what's a "!@#$%?"
- Cartman: Follow your dreams, you can reach
your goals, I'm living proof! Beefcake! Beefcake!
- Cartman: If dolphins are so smart, why do they
get caught in those fishing nets all the time?
- Kyle: Cartman, you're such a fat ass that when
you walk down the street, people go "Goddammit, that's a big fat
ass!"
- Cartman: No they don't, you jealous
weakling!
- Man: God damn, that's a big fat ass!
- Cartman: If dolphins are so smart, why do they
live in igloos?
- Kyle: Dolphins don't live in igloos! Those are
Eskimos, idiot!
- Cartman: Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares? It's
all a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap anyway!
- Stan: Dude, dolphins are intelligent and
friendly.
- Cartman: Intelligent and friendly on rye bread
with some mayonnaise!
- Stan: Cartman doesn't know a rainforest from a
Pop-Tart!
- Cartman: Yeah, I do! Pop-Tarts are
frosted!
- Ned: I don't think kids drink beer.
- Uncle Jimbo: Look out, kid! That's dangerous!
You're gonna spill your beer!
- Stan: Uncle Jimbo says that after this he's
taking me to Africa.
- Cartman: My mom says there are lots of black
people in Africa.
- Stan: I don't want to shoot the bunny.
- Uncle Jimbo: No nephew of mine is gonna be a
tree-hugger!
- Cartman: Yeah, hippie! Go back to Woodstock if
you don't want to shoot anything!
- Mr. Garrison: Gay people? Gay people are evil,
right down to their cold black hearts which pump not blood like
yours or mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through
their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which
becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior.
Do you understand?
- Mrs. Crabtree: Wait a minute! What's that
thing?! [referring to the elephant]
- Kyle: The new retarded kid.
- Mrs. Crabtree: Oh. I'm sorry, little girl, but
you still can't get on. You have to take the Special Ed bus.
- Cartman: I would never let a woman kick my
ass. If she tried something, I'd be like "Hey, get your bitch-ass
back in the kitchen and make me some pie!"
- Kyle: Stan, you can use family love as a
weapon against Shelley. The next time she's gonna kick your ass,
just tell her "Shelley, you're my sister and I love you."
- Kenny: And I want to see you handling your
breasts.
- Stan: Sick, dude, she's my sister!
- Cartman: If some girl tried to kick my ass,
I'd be like "Hey! Why don't you stop dressing me up like a mailman
and making me dance for you, while you go and smoke crack in your
bedroom and have sex with some guy I don't even know on my dad's
bed?"
- Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking
about?
- Cartman: I'm just saying you're just a little
wuss, is all.
- News broadcaster: It appears that the
horrible, destructive creature is actually 8-year-old Stan Marsh of
South Park. When asked why he was wreaking such havoc on his
hometown, the little boy replied, "Me Stan, bachump,
ba-chewy-chump, ba-chewy-chump." Back to you in the studio.
- Randy: How does it feel to be 102,
Grampa?
- Grampa: Kill me!
- Mrs. Cartman: Eric, I just got a call from
your friend Kyle's mother. She said that this show is naughty and
might make you a potty-mouth.
- Cartman: That's a load of crap. Kyle's mom is
a dirty Jew!
- Cartman: I would never kill somebody. Unless
they pissed me off.
- Stan: Jesus, is it okay to kill somebody if
they ask you to? Because they're in a lot of pain, you know, like
assisted suicide?
- [pause]
- Jesus: My son, I wouldn't touch that with a
sixty-foot pole.
- Stan: (hangs up) Goddammit!
- Jesus: I heard that!
- Announcer: We interrupt this program to bring
you loud static.
- Protester: Look, it's the president of the
network!
- President: Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is
John Horsoff. I have prepared a speech on behalf of the network.
"Fuck you!"
- [pause]
- President: Thank you ladies and gentlemen. If
there are any questions, you may direct them to that brick wall
over there.
- Enya-style music: Take a look, take a look,
take a look above the sky! Come and fly, take a ride--
- Stan: This music is terrible! It's cheesy but
lame, and eerily soothing at the same time!
- Grampa: Now you know what's it's like to be
old!
- Coroner: You know, I think death is least
funny when it happens to a child.
- [Coroner #2 puts Worcestershire sauce on a hot
dog]
- Coroner #1: Marty, do you have to put that
stuff on everything?
- Coroner #2: I don't know, it just--it just
makes everything taste so English.
- Kyle: Cartman, what kind of costume is
that?
- Cartman: It's an Adolf Hitler costume.
Sieg heil! Sieg heil!
- Cartman: What are you supposed to be, Stan,
Howdy Doody?
- Stan: No, I'm Raggedy Andy, fatass!
- Cartman: Oh, heh, wow, you you look pretty
cool. (he laughs along with Kyle)
- Kyle: Sissy.
- Stan: I'll kick your ass, Kyle!
- Cartman: Oh, look out! Holly Hobbie's all
pissed off!
- Cartman: Kenny's family is so poor that
yesterday they had to put their cardboard box up for a second
mortgage!
- Cartman: I'm not the one walking around all
day like Pippi Longstocking.
- Stan: Well, at least my mom isn't on the cover
of Crack Whore magazine.
- Cartman: Too bad drinking scotch isn't a
paying job, otherwise Kenny's dad would be a millionaire.
- Kenny: [oblivious to Cartman's
statement]
- Cartman: I said it's too bad drinking scotch
isn't a paying job, or else Kenny's dad would be a
millionaire!
- Kenny: [oblivious]
- Cartman: [exasperated] Y-your family
is poor, Kenny! Your family's poor!
- Officer Barbrady: You're probably wondering
why we're standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.
- Chef: Actually—-
- Mayor: Well I can assure you that it has
absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese Mafia.
- Officer Barbrady: Not a thingy-dingy.
- Cartman: Go back to Endor, you stupid
Wookiee!
- Kyle: Wookiees don't live on Endor.
- Cartman: [daydreaming while watching a
video, imagining himself to be Adolf Hitler] You gotta respect
my authora-tah!
- Chef: [talking to Cartman who's dressed
like a KKKlansman] Remind me to whoop your ass good next time
I see you.
- Chef: [imitating Michael Jackson's
Thriller video clip] I'm gonna make love, even when I'm dead.
My body might get cold, but it's always hot in bed! Make love,
don't you be afraid! Just because my heart ain't beating, doesn't
mean you won't get laid!
- Stan: If my mom could cook like Cartman's mom
I'd be a big fatass too!
- Cartman: That's right!
- [Cartman realizes he's been insulted]
- Cartman: AY!
- Cartman: Oh, really? Gosh, where could I have
put Pip's invitation? Oh, yeah, now I remember! I shoved it up my
ass! Yeah, I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and,
whoops, shoved it up my ass, pop, forever ruining any chance you
had of coming to my party.
- Pip: Ohh.
- Damien: Everybody hates me.
- Mr. Mackey: Why do you suppose that is?
- Damien: Because I'm the son of the Devil.
- Mr. Mackey: Mm'kay, that's a good start. Why
else?
- Damien: Because I burn and kill them?
- Damien: The new reign of my father!
- Mr. Garrison: Who's your father?
- Damien: The Prince of Darkness!
- Mr. Garrison: Wow, we have royalty in our
class!
- Cartman: Ants in the Pants? Ants in the
Pants?!
- Kyle: It's a game, dude. It's really fun.
- Cartman: You son-of-a-bitch!
[jumps on Kyle, hysterical] You were supposed to get
me the red Mega Man! Now I can't make Ultra-Mega Mega Man, you
dirty, cheap-ass piece of crap!
- Kyle: They were all out of them, dude!
- Cartman: I hate you! I want you to die!
DIE!!
- Kyle: [at the same time as Cartman]
Aaaaaaaah!!
- Mr. Garrison: And where are you from,
Damien?
- Damien: The seventh level of hell!
- Mr. Garrison: Oh, that's exciting, my mother
was from Alabama.
- Pip: Hello there. I'm Phillip, but evryone
calls me Pip, because they hate me.
- Damien: I shall call you Pip then.
- Pip: Right-o.
- Cartman: No, Starvin' Marvin, that's
my pot pie!
- Stan: Cartman, you butt pipe! This is the time
of year you're supposed to share!
- Cartman: Oh yeah! Are you gonna eat all of
your peach cobbler, Starvin' Marvin? Aw, you don't want all that,
why don't you share it with me, neh? Neh, neh, neh?
- Cartman: Mr. Garrison, why do poor people
smell like sour milk?
- Mr. Garrison: I don't know, Eric, they just
do.
- [Kyle sniffs Kenny in disgust]
- Stan: You know, I think I've learned something
today. It's really easy not to think of images on TV as real
people, but they are. That's why it's easy to ignore those
commercials but people on TV are as real as you or I.
- Kyle: That means that MacGyver is a real
person, too!
- Mr. Hankey: How-dy-ho!
- Mr. Garrison: The new law states, can't sing
any songs having to Jesus or Santa Claus.
- Cartman: [blaming Kyle] Thanks to
Kyle's mother.
- Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!
- Mr. Garrison: So anybody knows any non-Santa
or non-Jesus, Christmas song.
- [Cartman raises his hand]
- Mr. Garrison: Yes, Eric?
- Cartman: How about to sing, Kyle's mom is a
stupid bitch in D minor.
- Kyle: I told you, not to call my mom a bitch,
Cartman.
- Mr. Garrison: I feel kinda nauseous.
- Tom: Yes, that's to be expected. We did some
major reconstruction, sawed through some bone, snapped some
cartilage, all the blood and mucus just the sound of bone and sinew
coming apart. [makes disgusting noises of bone and
blood]
- Mr. Garrison: Arrgh!
- Tom: By the way, did you ever see that movie
Contact?
- Mr. Garrison: [throws up] Stop! That
movie was terrible!
- Tom: I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison. Why don't you
get some rest and I'll check on you a little later.
- Mr. Garrison: Sat through that entire movie to
see the alien and it was her goddamn father!
- Mr. Garrison: I'm going to do what I've always
wanted to do: hang out and screw hot chicks!
- Wendy: Stan, we're still Valentines,
right?
- Stan: Sure, Wendy, whatever.
- Wendy: Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?
- Ms. Ellen: Of course, Wendy.
- Wendy: I couldn't help but notice you've taken
a liking to my boyfriend Stan.
- Ms. Ellen: Well, I've taken a liking to all of
you. You're all so young and cute and full of life...
- Wendy: Can I tell you something, Ms.
Ellen?
- Ms. Ellen: Of course, Wendy.
- Wendy: [flips her off] Don't fuck
with me!
- Ms. Ellen: What?!
- Wendy: You heard me! Stay away from my man,
bitch or I'll whoop your sorry ho-ass back to last
year!...[sweetly] Bye, Ms. Ellen!
- Barbra Streisand: You know
who I am?
- Officer Barbrady: Well you ain't Fiona Apple,
and if you ain't Fiona Apple I don't give a rat's ass!
- Barbra Streisand: [screams in
anger]
- Officer Barbrady: Whoa, what a bitch!
- Stan: Wow, Robert Smith is the greatest person
who ever lived!
- Jesus: Our savior!
- Kyle: Well, that whole experience sure
sucked.
- Stan: Yeah, I'm sure glad it's over.
- Kyle: But you know, I've learned something
today. I've learned that people who want power, a lot of power,
always end up dead.
- Cartman: Yeah, and I've learned something too.
Robert Smith kicks ass!
- Cartman: Mom, can I ask you a question?
- Mrs. Cartman: Sure, hun.
- Cartman: You know how my friend Stan has,
like, a dad?
- Mrs. Cartman: Uh-huh.
- Cartman: And my friend Kyle has a dad
and my friend Kenny has a dad?
- Mrs. Cartman: Yes?
- [long pause]
- Mrs. Cartman: Well, what's your question,
hun?
- Cartman: Goddammit, do I have a
dad?!
- Mrs. Cartman: Oh!
- Cartman: I wanna know where I came from.
- Mrs. Cartman: Oh. Hmm. Well, you see, Eric,
sometimes when a man and a woman are attracted to each other, they
want to be close to each other.
- Cartman: Uh-huh...
- Mrs. Cartman: And sometimes the man puts his
hoo-hoo dilly in the woman's cha-cha.
- [long pause]
- Cartman: So who put his hoo-hoo dilly in
your cha-cha?
- Mrs. Crabtree: COME ON! WE'RE RUNNING
LATE!
- Stan: We're not gettin on, you fat ugly
bitch!
- Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU
SAY?!
- Stan: I said "We're not gettin on , you fat
ugly bitch."
- Mrs. Crabtree: (calmly) Oh. Alright then
[drives off]
- Kyle: Whoa, dude!
- Stan: I always wondered if that would
work.
- Chief Running Water: I knew that she wanted me
because she kept saying romantic things.
- Mrs. Cartman: "Oh Chief, I want your hot
man-chowder."
- Chief Running Water: Whoah,
Hell-o!
- Cartman: More tea, Rumpertumskin?
- Rumpertumskin: Yes, please, Eric. You are
tough and handsome.
- Cartman: Thank you, Rumpertumskin. And what do
you think about me, Clyde Frog?
- Clyde Frog: I think you're a big fat piece of
crap.
- Cartman: AY!!
- Chief Running Water: I hate to break this to
you, but your mother is what we Native Americans call "bear with
wi-i-i-i-i-i-de canyon."
- Cartman: Huh?
- Chief Running Water: She is doe who cannot
keep legs together.
- Cartman: What?
- Chief Running Water: Your mom's a slut.
- Cartman: Hey!
- Cartman: I was just hanging out in the SPC,
kicking it with some homies on the Westsa-eed-eh.
- Kyle: Cartman, you live on the east
side!
Season 2
- [Terrance farts]
- Phillip: Terrance, you farted in court!
- Terrance: Yes Phillip, I'm making a case for
our defense!
- Scott: Terrance, you may be a famous surgeon,
but you're not God!
- Terrance: Would you like a monkey claw,
Phillip?
- Phillip: Yes please. [Terrance
farts]
- Terrance: That's called the Monkey Claw
because it feels like my colon is being ripped apart by a thousand
monkeys!
- Phillip: The Monkey Claw was smelly.
- Terrance: Scott really hates us, Phillip.
- Phillip: Yes, perhaps he's homophobic.
- Terrance: But we're not gay, Phillip.
- Phillip: We're not?
- Scott: I hate you more than ever, Terrance and
Phillip! I absolutely abhor you both! [starts waving his arms
in front of them; pause]
- Phillip: What are you doing, Scott?
- Scott: I'm wishing cancer upon you!
- Phillip: Cancer?
- Scott: That's right! I'm trying to give you
cancer with my mind!
- Terrance: [hides behind Phillip] Ah!
Stop that!
- Phillip: Don't give me cancer!
- Scott: I hate you both and I wish you had
cancer!
- Phillip: Cancer?
- Scott: Yes, in the head.
- Terrance: Head cancer? No, we beg you!
- Scott: What are you two idiots doing?
- Terrance: We're searching for treasure!
- Scott: Is that some kind of metaphor for a
kind of sex that can't be described?
- Phillip: No, we're searching for
treasure!
- [Kenny appears out of nowhere]
- Stan: [blankly, as though Kenny hadn't
appeared out of thin air] Oh, hey Kenny.
- Kenny: Oh my God! They killed Mephisto!
- Kyle: You bastards!
- Mayor: Officer Barbrady, let's pretend for one
second that we had a competent law enforcement officer in this
town. What would he do?
- Nurse: When was the fetus conceived?
- Mrs. Cartman: Eight years ago.
- Nurse: So that would make the fetus--
- Mrs. Cartman: Eight years old.
- Nurse: That places you in what we call the
fortieth trimester.
- Doctor: Team A will consist of myself, Eric,
Stan, Kyle and Nurse Goodly. Team B will consist of Kenny.
- Uncle Jimbo: We'll give it until another hour,
then... we might have to eat again.
- Film Producer: Good Christ! Are you people
diabetic or what?!
- [Officer Barbrady, who is at the time illiterate, finds a
note saying "another chicken gets it tomorrow." He is then asked
what it says]
- Officer Barbarady: Oh, it says "sorry I had
sex with the chicken! I won't do it again, bye-bye!" Well, there
you have it, case closed!
- Officer Barbrady: Yes, at first I was happy to
be learning how to read. It seemed exciting and magical, but then I
read this: Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I read every last
word, and because of this shit, I am never reading again.
- Cartman: For my book report, I read The
Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. It was very, very good. Have
you read it, Mr. Garrison?
- Mr. Garrison: No, I can't say I have.
- Cartman: In The Lion, the Witch, and the
Wardrobe, a bunch of hippies walk around and paint stuff. They
eat lunch, and then they find a magical camel, which they have to
eat to stay alive. And that's pretty much it. I give it a
B-minus.
- Mr Garriosn: And I give you an F, Eric. Now
sit down!
- Mayor: The chicken-fucker struck again last
night.
- Officer Barbrady: Please Mayor, when we're
around children we prefer to call him the "chicken-lover."
- Mayor's assistant: This time he made love to
Carla Weathers' prize chicken. She's catatonic.
- Randy Marsh: Uh yes, officer?
- Cartman: I clocked you at 40 mph back there.
Do you know what the speed limit is heyah?
- Randy Marsh: Well, according to that sign
right there, it's 40 mph.
- Cartman: Step out of the car, please,
sir.
- Randy Marsh: Wait a second. Aren't you Stan's
little friend?
- Cartman: Step out of the car, please.
- Randy Marsh: Yeah. You're the one who always
plugs up the toilet at our house.
- Cartman: Ay! I am a cop, and you will respect
my authoritah!
- Stan: Boo!
- Mr. Mackey: Who was that? That is not
appropriate behavior, m'kay?
- Stan: [imitating Mr. Mackey's voice]
I'm sorry Mr Mackey, m'kay.
- Mr. Mackey: That's okay. Just don't let it
happen again, m'kay.
- Kyle: [imitating Mr. Mackey's voice]
We won't let it happen again Mr Mackey, m'kay.
- [the boys laugh]
- Mr. Mackey: I don't need to take your
right-wing authoritative bullshit, m'kay?
- Dr. Schwartz: We're not going to cut it off!
We're just going to snip it to make it bigger!
- Kyle: You know, I've learned something today.
Family isn't about whose blood you have, it's about who you care
about. And that's why I feel like you guys are more than just
friends. You're my family. Except for Cartman.
- Stan: Naturally.
- Cartman: Screw you guys! I don't wanna be in
your crazy penis-chopping family!
- Woman: [after seeing Ike] Oh look honey,
someone threw away a perfectly good trash can.
- (Stan's mother, Sharon, is speaking to Kyle's mother,
Sheila, on the phone. In the background, Stan runs around
screaming, wielding an icepick.):
- Sharon Marsh: Sheila, I was just wondering if
you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an
icepick?
- Stan: (screaming) NOOOOOO!!!! I HAVE TO GET IT
OUT!
- Cartman: My mom says there are lots of black
people in China.
- Cartman: I love you guys.
- [Stan and Kyle stare at him]
- Cartman: Ah, screw you guys!
- Nurse Gollum: Well, this may sound odd coming
from a woman with a fetus sticking out of her head, but you're all
a bunch of freaks.
- Gerald Broflovski: Could you please pass the
dead fetus--I mean gravy?
- Chinese Announcer: It's number... aw, who
cares. Arr Americans rook da same.
- Ms. Crabtree: BE QUIET BACK THERE! THESE
ROADS ARE SLICK!
- Stan: Hey, Cartman!
- Cartman: What?
- Stan: Are you gonna share any of that cake
with the rest of us?
- Cartman: [finishes a bite] Hm-m-m,
let me see. No!
- Kyle: Come on, fatass! You shouldn't be eating
all that cake anyway!
- Cartman: Mmm. It's chocolaty and
delightful.
- Stan: Give us some, Cartman!
- Ms. Crabtree: [turns around] BE QUIET
BACK THERE!
- Kyle: Whoa, dude. The road is really snowy out
there.
- Stan: Dude, the road is always snowy.
- Kyle: I know, but, it's really snowy
today.
- Cartman: [now baiting] Mmm. I can't
possibly finish this whoole cake. Oh, yes I can. [resumes
eating]
- Stan: Shut up, Cartman!
- Ms. Crabtree [slams the brakes on, opens a
box, and pulls out a bunny] OKAY, THAT DOES IT! Y'ALL BE QUIET
OR THE CUTE LITTLE BUNNY DIES! [points a gun at its head. The
class gasps and look at her for a while. Sure that she has made her
point, she puts the bunny back in the box and resumes
driving]
- Stan: Dude, she always tries to quiet us down
by threatening to kill that bunny, but I wonder if she ever
would.
- Kyle: Oh, she would, dude. She would.
- [the bus comes to a halt at a road block]
- Ms. Crabtree: GOD! [a sign says
"Road closed due to avalanche"] OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, I
DON'T BELLEVE THIS! [another sign says, "Detour at your
own risk." She starts up the bus and takes the detour]
- Stan: Come on, fat boy, give us some cake
now.
- Cartman: [exhausted] I cannot
possibly eat one more bite of its chocolaty goodness. Oh, but, but,
but, but I'll try.
- Kyle: Dammit, Cartman, you are such a fat
(bleep!)
- Ms. Crabtree: [spins around] WHAT
DID YOU SAY?! [turns back around just to see the bus head
for a road shoulder where the road starts to turn] Whoa-oh.
[she slams the brakes on, but the bus goes over the shoulder
and tumbles down the side of the hill] Hold on! Aaaaah!
[the kids tumble all over the place and scream, but Cartman
just munches away on the cake, quite undisturbed. The bus bounces
on the bottom of the hill and lands on a river upright, floating on
down]
- Kids: Aaaah!
- Kyle: I'm scared!
- Ms. Crabtree: Be quiet, kid!
- [the kids look back at where they were as the bus continues
down the river, and over a waterfall, straight down]
- All: Aaaah!
- Mrs. Crabtree: Don't get off the bus or a big
scary monster will eat you! [she gets off the bus]
- Butters: Hey, why isn't the monster eating
her?
- Stan: Because, dumbass, monsters don't eat big
fat smelly bitches!
- Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU
SAY?!
- Stan: I said "Larry King won't grant me three
wishes."
- Mr. Garrison: Hello children, how is your
summer going?
- Stan: Summer sucks ass, Mr. Garrison.
- Kyle: Hey, have you found Mr. Hat yet?
- Mr. Garrison: Oh, oh, that old thing? Why, I
almost forgot he was gone. I don't need Mr. Hat.
- Stan: That's good.
- Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat is just a puppet.
- Kyle: Yep.
- Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat isn't real.
- Stan: Right.
- [Chef was vacationing on an island while the snake ravaged
the country. After blowing the snake up, the townspeople are seen
trying to clean up the mess, but as a result of all the ash in the
air, it looks like they're all black]
- Chef: OK! Everybody get into line, so I can
whoop all yo' asses!
- [The snake breaks down Jimbo and Ned's cell wall]
- Jimbo: Holy crap, what the hell is that?
- Ned: It looks like my ex-wife!
- [The boys have called Chef for advice on how to deal with
the Ash Snake]
- Chef: Giant snake? Killing everybody? Growing
bigger? [looks at the women surrounding him] Children, you
know I rarely say this but--well--fudge ya. [hangs up,
sings] Simultaneous, you and me!
- Kyle: What'd he say?
- Stan: Dude, I think he told us to go fuck
ourselves.
- Cartman: Wow!
- Kyle: How's that gonna help?
- [The boys stop in front of a sign with "Stu's Fireworks"
written on it]
- Stan: Oh yeah, dude, it's summer. That means
we've gotta buy fireworks!
- Kyle: I saved up enough money to buy M-80s
this year.
- Stan: I saw in this movie once, where this guy
stuck a firecracker up a cat's butt.
- Kyle: Cool, maybe we can do that to Cartman's
cat!
- Cartman: Hey! If you so much as touch Kitty's
ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nut sack and blow your balls all
over your pants!
- Stan: Jesus, Cartman!
- Cartman [His voice trailing off]:
Well, I'm just--Seriously now, don't mess with Kitty, now.
- Cartman: Independent films are those
black-and-white hippie movies. They're always about gay cowboys
eating pudding.
- [from one of the independent films]
- Cowboy: Hey Tom, you got any pudding?
- Tom: You know I'm all out of pudding,
silly.
- Cowboy: Well, what should we do now?
- Tom: Well, how about we explore our sexuality?
[they start to make out]
- Cartman: I've learned something too: selling
out is sweet because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of
money, and when you have money, you don't have to hang out with a
bunch of poor ass losers like you guys.
- Chef: [singing to advertise his new candy,
Chocolate Salty Balls] Hey, everybody, have you seen my balls?
They're big and salty and brown! If you ever need a quick
pick-me-up, just stick my balls in your mouth! Suck on my Salty
Chocolate Balls! [high-pitched voice] Put 'em in your
mouth! [normal singing voice]] Put 'em in your mouth and
suck 'em and suck 'em! Sucka my balls! Suck 'em sweet!
- [Chef has just fed his concoction, Salty Chocolate Balls,
to a severely ailing Mr. Hankey]
- Chef: My Salty Chocolate Balls must have
rejuvenated him!
- Kyle: You've got the best balls in the whole
world, Chef.
- Chef: You damn right.
- Cartman: That's it, screw you guys, I'm going
home
- [pause]
- Kyle: Well?
- Cartman: I'm going, just give me a
minute.
- Cartman: "Aw, Jesus, are you f***ing kidding
me?!"
- Stan: "Hey! We don't say, 'f***' at the table,
you little asshole!"
- Shelley: "Serves you right, you little
brat!"
- Stan:"Well, at least I'm not gonna die from
it, which you might!" [giggles]
- Shelley: "If I die from this, I'm taking
YOU with me!"
- Stan:"I don't wanna watch this! I wanna watch
Terrance and Phillip!"
- Shelley:"We're watching this!
- Stan:"Well I got the remote, bitch!"
[giggles]
- Gerald: [reading] "'My Final
Solution' by Kyle Broflovski. My dad is the smartest guy in the
whole wide world. He has taught me that all poor people are
actually things called clods. I wanna live in a world of only gods
so my idea to make America better will go ahead and I can put all
the poor people into camps." WHAT!? "If we get rid of them, there
will be no one but the wealthy, and there won't be any hunger,
poverty or homeless people, 'cause they'll all be dead. The End."
My God, what have I done?
- Roy: Stan, you wanna help me cut some
firewood?
- Stan: We cut firewood all day yesterday; we've
got enough firewood for twelve years!
- Roy: [Tormented] When will you let me
in?! When will you let me love you?! [Normal] Now get your
ass down here and help me!
- Stan: You suck, Cartman! If you want to play
America vs. Bosnia anymore, you can just play with yourself!
- Cartman: Fine! I like playing with myself!
I'll play with myself all day long!
- [Kenny laughs]
- Cartman: What?
- Mrs. Marsh: What are you doing, sweetie?
- Stan: Getting a cookie. We're building a
clubhouse and—-
- Mrs. Marsh: You men are all alike! First you
get a cookie and then you criticize the way I dress, and then it's
the way I cook! I suppose next you'll be telling me that you need
your space and that I'm sabotaging your creativity! Go ahead,
Stanley, get your goddamn cookie!
- [she leaves]
- Stan: OK.
- Wendy: Kiss Bebe on the lips.
- Kyle: What? I'm not kissing a girl!
- Stan: Go on, just close your eyes.
- [Kyle hesitates, then relaxes. Bebe moves forward and
plants a kiss on his lips]
- Kyle: Sick, bitch! Fucking sickening!
(Kyle runs out of the treehouse, Bebe stares)
- Bebe: Wow, look at that ass! Shake it,
baby!!
- [Bebe tries to pass a note to Kyle from across the
room]
- Mr. Garrison: Stanley, are you passing notes
to Kyle?
- Stan: No, I just—-
- Mr. Garrison: Don't lie! Lying makes you
sterile!
- Stan: I'm not lying! Someone just handed
me—-
- Mr. Garrison: Stanley, if you think it's so
important to keep interrupting my class, why don't you just come up
front and read your note to Kyle for everyone to hear.
- Stan: But I didn't write the note!
- Cartman: Mr. Garrison, Stan's behavior is
having an adverse effect on my education.
- Stan: Shut up, Cartman!
- Mr. Garrison: Stanley, you come up here right
now and read your note!
- Stan: "Dear Kyle, you have got such a great
ass. I could sleep for days on those pert cheeks, let me tell you.
I'd like to live with you and wear your ass as a hat for all
eternity." Whoa, dude!
- Mr. Mackey: School is a time for learning, not
for immature skylarkings.
- Stan: What's a skylarking?
- Mr. Mackey: You know, tomfooleries.
- Stan: Who?
- Mr. Mackey: Your parents are here for
you--
- [Stan's parents enter]
- Mr. Mackey: Thank you for coming on such short
notice. I was just disciplining your son for his skylarkings.
- Mr. Marsh: Stan, we're
very...Skylarkings?
- Cartman: (the boys have decided to enter
him into a bullriding contest) What makes you think "Cartman
rides a bull?"
- Kyle: (grabbing him by the collar and
talking through gritted teeth) Because you spent all of our
money on those stupid rides fatass! Now either you ride this bull
or I'm gonna break your fucking head open!
- Chef: Two million dollars?! The only way I can
raise that kind of money is by whorin' myself to every woman in
town!
- Kyle: Wow! Elton John's house is bigger than
Cartman's ass!
- Cartman: You wish, you guys.
(Repeated line)
- Record Exec: I am above the law!
- Johnnie Cochran: Ladies and gentlemen, this is
Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk. But
Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about it: That does
not make sense! Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Wookiee,
want to live on Endor with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks? That
does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself:
What does this have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and
gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make
sense! Look at me. I'm a lawyer defending a major record company,
and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca! Does that make sense? Ladies and
gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And
so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberatin'
and conjugatin' the Emancipation Proclamation, [approaches and
softens] does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this
supposed jury, it does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor,
you must acquit! The defense rests.
- Johnnie Cochran: Look at the monkey! Look at
the silly monkey! (Jury member's head explodes)
- Kyle: Dude, why is your store called The
Indian Burial Ground Pet Store?
- Shop Owner: Well, there was an Indian burial
ground here before I bought it.
- Stan: So you just built your store on top of
an Indian burial ground?
- Shop Owner: Hell no! I dug up all the bodies,
pissed on them, and then buried them again upside-down.
- Kyle: Why?
- Shop Owner: Why? I don't know why, I was
drunk!
- Kyle: Did you get the pumpkin, Kenny?
- Kenny: Uh-huh. [puts a squash on the
table]
- Cartman: What the fuck is that?
- Kenny: It's all I could afford!
- Evil Cartman: (singing)You guys are my best
friends! Through thick and thin, we've always been together! Four
of kind, having fun all day, pallin' around, and laughing away.
Just best friends, best friends are we!
- Cartman: (Singing) You guys are hella-stupid,
you guys are hella-lame, you guys are hella-dumb, hella, hella,
hella!
- Kyle: Dammit!
- Reporter: This is Robert Pooner reporting live
from Nebraska, where escaped convict Charlie Manson has walled
himself up in a house. We understand that there are hostages and
that the situation is critical, so we would like to remind you all
that this live hostage crisis is being brought to you by Palmoral
Sun Block. If it ain't Palmoral, you'll gonna get cancer.
- George Bailey: You can't go around buying
people off, Mr. Potter. Do you know what you are? You're a little
bitch. That's right, you're a bitch and I bet you'd like to suck
it, now wouldn't you?
- Underpants Gnome: Phase one: collect
underpants. Phase two: [silence]. Phase three:
profit!
- Mr. Tweek: Mr. Postum, you have a lot to learn
about making coffee.
- Mr. Postum: And you don't? Your coffee tastes
like moldy diarrhea!
- [Tweek is worried about his family becoming poor]
- Cartman: You can always go on welfare. Just
look at Kenny's family, they're perfectly happy being poor and
they're on welfare. Right, Kenny?
- Kenny: Fuck you!
- Cartman: Heh-heh, you suck, Kenny.
- [An Underpants Gnomes' cart has just flattened
Kenny]
- Stan: [Rushed and Monotone] Oh my
God, they killed Kenny.
- Kyle: [Same tone as Stan] You
bastards. [to the Underpants Gnome] Listen, we have to
give a huge speech tomorrow about corporate takeovers!
- Underpants Gnome: Holy S***, we killed your
friend!
- Stan: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, we gotta know
about corporate takeovers tomorrow or we're screwed!
- Underpants Gnome: Christ, we squished him like
a bug!
- Stan: Great job, you killed Kyle!
- Kenny: [muffled] You bastard!
- Cartman: Well, he shouldn't have called me
fat!
- Stan: Why the hell not? It's just like calling
the sky blue!
- Australian Outback Guy: [examining
dirt] I think he came through here recently.
- Cartman: [imitating Australian Outback
Guy] Yeah, I think the same thing.
- Government Agent 1: Well where the hell is he?
We have to get him back to the lab!
- Dr. Mephisto: He can't function out here in
our time!
- Australian Outback Guy: Calm down, calm
down!
- Cartman: [imitating Australian Outback
Guy] Yeah, calm down, calm down, you sons of bitches!
- Cartman: [lodged in a cow's anus] Aw,
it smells like Kenny's house in here!
- Kyle: [about the frozen man they
found] His name is Steve!
- Stan: His name is Gorac!
- Frozen Man: My name is Larry, actually.
Season 3
- Stan: Ah! A snake!
- Kyle: No, dude, that's a branch.
- Stan: Oh. Ah! It's a snake!
- Kyle: No, dude, that's the same branch
again.
- Stan: Ahhhhhh!
- Miss Stevens: Stan, what is it?
- Stan: Snake! [points to a snake,
everyone gasps]
- Pablo: Oh yes, this is what we call a coral
snake. Notice the red markings. Quite an amazing creature.
- [Stan screams and runs away]
- Pablo: What's the matter, little boy?
- Cartman: He's a little wuss, what's it look
like?
- Stan: I'm just scared of snakes.
- Pablo: Now, now, you must remember. This snake
is more afraid of us than we are of it.
- [coral snake chokes Pablo to death]
- Miss Stevens: Oh, my God!
- [coral snake starts to eat Pablo]
- Cartman: Yeah, that snake is pretty scared of
us, all right.
- [coral snake continues to eat Pablo]
- Miss Stevens: Jesus Christ! Is he
dead?
- [coral snake excretes remains of Pablo]
- Stan: Dude!
- Kyle: My guess would be yes.
- Miss Stevens: Oh, no! God, no! Now don't
panic, children.
- Cartman: [hitting coral snake with a stick]
Bad! That's a bad snake! [runs from coral snake that's chasing
him]
- Kelly: (to Kenny) Lenny, can I tell you
something?
- Kenny: (muffled) Uh-huh?
- Kelly: I think I like you.
- Kenny: (muffled) Really?
- Kelly: Yes, I think we communicate really
well.
- Kenny: (muffled) Wow, that's great!
- Kelly: (sadly) No, that's not great.
- Kenny: (surprised) That's not great?
- Kelly: Yes, I live on the opposite side of the
country, and when this choir tour ends we'll never see each other
again and I'm only going to get my heart broken I just can't get
feelings for you. I just can't, Lenny!
- Kenny: Awwwww!
- Cartman: Mister! You gotta help me, I'm
starving to death!
- Worker: What are you doing out here, little
boy?
- Cartman: I was with my class, and we got all
lost in the rainforest and I need some food; I'm fading fast.
- Worker: Lost in the rain forest? Oh my Lord!
Where are all the others?
- Cartman: Food! I have to have food!
- [Cartman collapses.]
- Worker: Oh my God! Get this child some food
quick!
- Cartman: [lifts his head up] Chicken
wings.
- Worker: Chicken wings!
- Cartman: [lifts his head again]
Medium spicy.
- Kelly: Oh, stop! I wanna go home! I HATE
the rainforest!
- Kenny: (stops and hugs her) Come on, it'll be
all right.
- Kelly: (desperate for more affection) Oh,
Lenny, hold me. Oh no, I can't get attached to you. Oh, but I do
like you. But I'm only going to get my heart broken.
- Kenny: (frustrated) Oh, FUCK
YOU!!!
- Kelly: Lenny, if we make it out of this, I
wanna be your girlfriend, even if we live on either side of the
country, I don't care. (moves over to Kenny and they cuddle, with
Kelly trying to pick her nose, which she can't do because Kenny's
arm is in the way)
- Kelly: OK, Lenny, in order to keep up our
long-distance relationship, we have to call each other every other
day.
- Kenny: OK. (lightning bolt strikes him)
- Kelly: Lenny! No!
- Stan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
- Kyle: You bastards!
- Kelly: (desperately) What? Who killed
him?
- Stan: (embarrassed) Uh, they did.
- Kelly: Who's "they"?
- Kyle: They are, they're bastards.
- Kelly: (desperately) Well, don't just stand
there, help him.
- Kyle: (confused) Help him?
- Kelly: Argh! (Pounds on Kenny's stomach)
Breathe! (presses her lips against his and gives him CPR) Breathe!
(pounds on his stomach some more. Through clenched teeth) Breathe
you-son-of-a-bitch! (Kenny coughs. Kelly looks relieved)
- Kyle: (shocked) Whoa, dude!
- Stan: Ms. Stevens you have a bug on your
back.
- Ms. Stevens: Oh could you swat it off? (turns
around to reveal cat sized fly on her back)
- Stan: No...
- Kyle: I just want a
nurection so I can give it to my mom.
- Stan: That's the fifth store we've been kicked
out of. Why is it so hard to get an erection?
- Kyle: So Jesus died and then three days later
he had an erection.
- Cartman: [on the cross] You guys are
in big trouble, now get me down from nyah!
- Stan: What are you doing, Dad?
- Randy: Stanley, I think it's best you live
with Kyle from now on. His dad is better than me.
- Stan: No, he's not. He can't even get an
erection!
- Randy: Heh heh heh! Really?
- Mayor: Marsh, I'm not asking you, I'm telling
you! Find the cause of spontaneous combustion or else!
- Randy: Or else what?
- Mayor: Exactly!
- Priest Maxi: Now, let us pray. Lord, though we
have lost Neil Smith to free agency and Steve Atwater to the Jets,
still, we hope our beloved Broncos can bring home another Super
Bowl championship, and once again bathe in the glory of your light.
Amen.
- Priest Maxi: Good. Boys, how would you like to
perform the Stations of the Cross this Friday night?
- Stan: The what?
- Priest Maxi: It's like a skit, where you
re-enact the death and glorious resurrection of Jesus Christ.
- Kyle: Hey, res-erection! That's what my dad
needs!
- Stan: Well, we're gonna go work on getting
Kyle's dad an erection. [the boys go up the stairs]
- Randy: [resumes] Yes, yes, of course.
I've got work to do. [the door closes] What?
- Cartman: I'm gonna be Jesus!
- Kyle: You're too fat to be Jesus!
- Cartman: Oh, like you're gonna do it,
Jew?!
- Kyle: Stan should be Jesus.
- Cartman: Either I'm Jesus or else screw you
guys, I'm going home!
- Kyle: You're such a fat baby!
- Cartman: Well, I guess you guys can do the
Stations of the Cross by yourselves.
- Kyle: All right, all right, you can be Jesus,
you tubby cry-baby!
- Cartman: Stick and stones may break my bones,
but I'm Jesus and you aren't.
- [Randy's dream]
- [The Most Popular Man In South Park. Hands move him over
the crowd]
- Crowd: Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
- Man: We love you, Randy.
- Woman: Make love to me, Randy. Please!
- Chef: I got something to tell you.
- Cartman What?
- Chef: You're not gonna like it.
- Cartman: What?
- Chef: It's really gonna piss you off.
- Cartman: What?
- Chef: Okay. This is a dream. You still on that
cross!
- Cartman: [wakes up] Goddammit!
- Priest Maxi: Blessed be the name of
Jesus!
- Crowd: It's a great name, isn't it?
- Cartman: [To Stan and Kyle] When I
get down from here, I'm gonna kick you both right in the nuts!
- [after Randy tells the crowd how to save
themselves]
- Crowd: Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
- Man: We love you, Randy.
- Old Woman: [in a wheelchair] Make
love to me, Randy. Please!
- Cartman: Officer Barbrady, get me off this
cross!
- [Officer Barbrady looks at Cartman, who is
crucified]
- Officer Barbrady: Ooh, a T...T...for
turtle.
- [Walks away]
- Mr. Derp: Aren't I a great character? My
antics go right to the funny bone!
- Mr. Garrison: And never let poontang come
between you and your friend!
- Chef: Damn right, Garrison!
- Stan: Excuse me, we're looking for Chef.
- Woman at front desk: Chef?
- Kyle: He's a big guy with a beard.
- Stan: And a chef's hat.
- Kenny: [mumbling] And a big huge
dick.
- Chef's Father: Well, aren't you crackers just
cute as the dickens?
- Stan: You're Chef's parents?
- Chef's Mother: Yes, all his life.
- Kyle: [in a hurry] We have to talk to
him!
- Chef's Father: Well, he should be out now
directly.
- Chef's Mother: He's so excited about the
wedding now.
- Chef's Father: Say, would you crackers like to
hear about the time we saw the Loch Ness Monster?
- Stan: No, that's OK.
- Chef's Father: Ooh, it must have been about
seven, eight years ago. Me and the little lady was out on this
boat, you see, all alone at night, when all of the sudden this huge
creature, this giant crustacean from the Paleolithic Era, comes out
of the water.
- Chef's Mother: We was so scared, Lord have
mercy, I jumped up in the boat, and I said, "Thomas, what on earth
is that creature?"
- Chef's Father: It stood above us looking down
with these big red eyes...
- Chef's Mother: Oh, it was so scary!
- Chef's Father: ...and I yelled, I said, "What
do you want from us, monster?" And the monster bent down, and said,
"I need about tree-fitty."
- [long pause]
- Kyle: What's tree-fitty?
- Chef's Father: Three dollars and fifty
cents.
- Chef's Mother: Tree-fitty.
- Stan: He wanted money?
- Chef's Father: That's right. I said, "I ain't
givin' you no tree-fitty, you goddamn Loch Ness Monster! Get your
own goddamn money!"
- Chef's Mother: I gave him a dollar.
- Chef's Father: She gave him a dollar.
- Chef's Mother: I thought he'd go away if I
gave him a dollar.
- Chef's Father: Well, of course he's not gonna
go away, Mary! You give him a dollar, he's gonna assume you've got
more!
- Mr. Adler: Don't screw around in Shop
Class!
- Cartman: I guess you don't want to hear what
he said about your mom?
- Craig: Nope! [slams the door
shut]
- Cartman: [surprised] Goddammit.
[knocks on door again. Craig answers again] Oh, I guess
you don't want to hear what he had to say about your guinea
pig?
- Craig: Said what?! What did he say about
Stripe?
- Cartman: Nothing much, just that you stick it
up your ass before you go to bed every night.
- Craig: That son of a bitch, I'll kill
him!
- Mr. Adler: Well that was fun, Pearl. I'll see
you later.
- Home Ec teacher: Richard, aren't you going to
invite me in?
- Mr. Adler: Why?
- Home Ec teacher: Well, I was hoping you
would--at least attempt to--make love to me tonight.
- Mr. Adler: I can't.
- Home Ec teacher: Oh, Richard, why can't you
open your heart to me, why?
- Mayor: You're supposed to lose, you
idiot!
- Officer Barbrady: Where am I?
- [From this point on the male Jakovasaur is known as
Jakov.]
- Jakov: Whoo, Niners! Go, Niners!
- Randy Marsh: Uh we're rooting for the Broncos
here Jakov.
- Jakov:[pause] Whoo-oo-oo-oo,
Niners!
- Jakov:
Ga-a-a-a-a-a-a-wo-o-o-o-o-o-p!!
- Mr. Garrison: Now, wait a minute. I wanna
clear the air here. We all know that pigeon was a whore. Raise your
hand if you didn't sleep with that pigeon? [everybody around him
raises his or her hand] Oh, whatever!
- Department of Interior Guy: Young man, we're
making you an honorary Department of Interior person. You are
officially in charge of South Park's fish and wildlife. You have
authority over all of them.
- Cartman: [disbelieving pause]
I have authoritah?
- Jimbo: Hey Ned, look what I bought you! A new
voice box (teases Ned a while) Want it? You want it? Yeah, you want
it. Here. Try it out, Ned.
- Ned: (in an Irish accent) Ah, Jimbo, I can't
thank you enough for the new voice box. (realizes he's got an Irish
accent) What the devil is this, then?
- Jimbo: Aw, no! I must've picked up the Irish
model by mistake.
- Ned: (still in an Irish accent) Oh, what a
bloody pickle this is. Did ya keep the receipt then?
- Stan: Oh, no, there's nothing worse than
Cartman with authoritah!
- Sexual Harrassment Panda Song:
- Who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree?
- Sexual Harrassment… Panda!
- Who explains sexual harassment to you and me?
- Sexual Harrassment… Panda!
- Don't say that, don't touch there…
- Don't be nasty says the silly bear!
- He's come to tell you what's right and wrong…
- Sexual Harrassment… Panda!
- Gerald: You see, Kyle, we live in a liberal,
democratic society. And democrats make sexual harrassment laws.
These laws tell us what we can and can't say in the workplace, and
what we can and can't do in the workplace.
- Kyle: Isn't that fascism?
- Gerald: No, because we don't call it fascism.
Do you understand?
- Kyle: Do you?
- Sexual Harrassment Panda: When one Panda puts
his furry little willy in another Panda's ear, that makes me a
saaaaaaaaad Panda.
- Sexual Harrassment Panda: How would you like a
big Panda punch in your puss?
- Skeeter: Hey Panda Bear! We don't take kindly
to your types around here.
- Bartender: Now Skeeter, he ain't hurtin'
nobody.
- Skeeter: No! I wanna know something from Mr.
Panda Bear here. If you pandas are from mountainous areas of China
and Tibet, how come you only eat bamboo which is prone to grow in
dryer, more arid regions?
- Another misfit mascot: Hello kids, I'm Harry
the ‘don't do stuff that might irritate your inner ear'
badger.
- Worm: Hello there, boys.
- Stan: Whoa! Who are you?
- Worm: I'm Willy, the "Don't Stare Directly
Into The Sun" Worm. Now, you boys know not to stare directly into
the sun, right?
- Boys: Yes.
- Willy: That can burn your retinas and make you
blind. [pulls out some shades and a cane, puts on the shades, and
sticks the cane out, to simulate a blind person, then puts his
props away]
- Stan: …Thanks a lot, dude.
- Pig: [rushes up snapping two pairs of scissors
around] Oink oink! Be sure to run around with scissors, says Oinky,
the "Run Around With Scissors" Pig.
- Cartman: I thought you weren't supposed to run
around with scissors.
- Willy: That's why he's on the Island Of Misfit
Mascots. [Oinky walks away]
- Shelley: They're having a cat orgy!
- Cartman: They mostly come out at
night...mostly.
- Skyler: Okay, check check, check, 1, 2, check.
Okay, ready? All right, let's try the new song. This is a song I
wrote for you, Shelley…When I saw her walking down the street,
I thought she was Shelley, Shelley.
- Cartman: Aw, man, you guys suck.
- Skyler: Now that we're together I'm
absolutely sure that she's Shelley, Shelley.
- Cartman: You're the crappiest band I have ever
heard!
- Skyler: Move into my mom's house with me,
Shelley Shelley
- Skyler: I pledge allegience...to the flag...of
the United States of...Shelley Shelley!
- Pip: Can I be Jaclyn Smith? Can I?
- Butters: No, uh, I get to be Jaclyn Smith.
See, I thought of Charlie's Angels and I get to be Jaclyn Smith
c-cause I thought of it.
- Gerald: Just because we shared an intimate
moment in the hot tub, I'm not going to let it--
- Randy: We did not share an intimate moment,
okay? That makes it sound gay!
- Mr. Garrison: Great party, Mr. Mackey. Mr. Hat
just grabbed Principal Victoria's ass.
- Butters: Oh dear God, they're gonna set us on
fire. Oh great Jesus son of Mary, wife of Joseph! What are we gonna
do, huh? Oh sweet Joseph, husband of Mary but not father of sweet
Jesus.
- Pip: We were just playing a game called
Wickershams and Ducklers. Do you want to play?
- Stan: No.
- Pip: I'm the head Wickerknicker. And you are
all little Wickershams. We all sing the merry tune of Stratford
until I yell, "Turrah!" and then you all fall down laughing, and I
join you, as I find it funny too.
- Jimbo: We're all a little gay.
- ATF Agent: We're not gonna let them commit
suicide, even if we have to kill them.
- Moses: I desire…macaroni pictures.
- Kyle: He doesn't get cake?
- Moses: No cake for the impurity!
- Moses: And let us glue paper plates together
with beans inside so when you shake them they make rattling
noises.
- Rabbi: Paper plate bean shakers, of
course!
- Moses: And let us put patterns of glue on the
outside and glitter so they look all nice and sparkly.
- Stan: This is great!
- Cartman: Yeah, but where's that crappy song
coming from? Could you turn that off?
- [Marvin turns off theme music.]
- Stan: Yeah, that's better.
- Missionary: An alien race? Have they heard the
word of Christ?
- Cartman: No, never! It's perfect!
- Cartman: Isn't the name of your planet already
Marklar?
- Chief-Marklar: We on Marklar call all things,
people and places Marklar.
- Kyle: Isn't that totally confusing?
- Chief-Marklar: No, not at all. Hey!
Marklar!
- A Marklar in the crowd: Yes?
- Chief-Marklar: See!
- Sign on seized spaceship: PROPERTY OF U.S.
GOVT. THANK YOU
- Kyle: Wait, I think I can explain this whole
thing. Marklar, these marklars want to change your marklar. They
don't want this marklar or any of these marklars to live here
because it's bad for their marklar. They use marklars to try and
force marklars to believe their marklars. If you let them stay
here, they will build marklars and marklars. They will take all
your marklars and replace them with marklar. These marklars have no
good marklar to live on marklar so they must come here to marklar.
Please, let these marklars stay where they can grow and prosper
without any marklars, marklars, or marklars.
- Chief-Marklar: [slight pause. The humans
look confused] Young one, your marklars are wise and
true.
- Radio Announcer: How do you feel about the
KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt, little boy?
- Stan: This one time, like eight months ago, I
saw two guys kissing in a park. And that was the gayest thing I'd
ever seen, until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt.
- Cartman: Hey you guys! You know what time of
year it is?
- Kyle: Of course, dumbass, it's Halloween.
- Cartman: That's right, and that means only two
more months till Christmas! [singing] You'd better
watch out, you'd better not cry...
- Stan: Christmas?
- Cartman: ...Christmastime is presents for
me.
- Guide: Welcome to Spooky Laboratory.
[pulls out a blindfold and puts it over Cartman's eyes]
I'm your guide, Dr. Spookalot. Allow me to show around the lab.
[leads him to a table on which is a bowl of eggs and a bowl of
Jell-o cubes]
- Cartman: Cool!
- Dr. Spookalot: Here I have a bowl of human
eyeballs.
- Cartman: [rolls his fingers around the
eggs] Ew-ho-ho.
- Dr. Spookalot: [switches bowls] And
here you can feel the brains.
- Cartman: [rolls his fingers through the
Jell-o cubes] Oh-ho, gross.
- Dr. Spookalot: [leads him to an
donkey] And here you can feel the warm innards of the body.
[Cartman reaches into the donkey's anus and the donkey looks
surprised]
- Cartman: Ew, it feels like cold spaghetti! You
guys, it feels like cold spaghetti!
- Stan: [walks up with Kyle and Kenny]
Come on, fatass, we have to go!
- Cartman: Ey! Don't call me fat! [Mrs.
Cartman giggles] Mom, don't laugh.
- Mrs. Cartman: I'm sorry, hon.
- Cartman: [to his friends] I can't go
with you guys right now.
- Stan: Yes you can, Porky. [Mrs. Cartman
giggles again]
- Cartman: Mom, seriously! [her giggles die
down]
- Mrs. Cartman: Oh, that's not funny, boys. Eric
isn't fat, he's big-boned.
- Kyle: He must have a huge bone in his ass,
then. [Cartman's mom bursts out laughing]
- Cartman: Goddammit, Mom!
- Stan: OK. It's almost open. Ready? 1, 2, 3!
[they pry the door open, and then jump back and peer in]
Whoa, dude.
- Kyle: Oh, my God. [the corpse sways to the
right, against the casket wall] Hi, Grandma.
- Voice: Hi, Kyle.
- Kyle: [hops back] Aaaah!
- Cartman: [providing the voice] Have
you been a good boy, Kyle? Have you been making Grandma proud?
- Kyle: Dammit, Cartman, that's not funny!
- Stan: [chuckling] Eheh, yes it
is.
- Cartman: We could shove a stick up her ass and
use her like a puppet: "Rowr, rowr, I'm Scary Grandma!"
- Sheila: Dug her up? Why?
- Brunet: Well. The most likely reason is that
somebody wanted to have sex with her dead body.
- Blond: Yep.
- Sheila: What?!
- Brunet: Uh-huh, we don't want to upset you,
but it happens. Somebody's probably making love to her corpse as we
speak.
- Blond: Every vile position, every
disrespectful act imaginable.
- Sheila: Oh, dear God!
- Brunet: Yes. By now he's probably even removed
her eyes and made love to the empty sockets as well.
- Sheila: [sadly rubs her eyes]
Oooh.
- Blond: Now, we don't want to upset you, but
you should know that your mother's body would be stiff and dry, so
he would have to have it soaked in warm water for several hours
before making love to it.
- Sheila: O-o-o-o-oh!
- Brunet: Yes. And, now for the difficult
part.
- Blond: Brace yourself.
- Brunet: It is highly possible that he has
created new orifices in her decomposing flesh, leaving her to look
something like an overloved hunk of Swiss cheese. She
probably--
- Sheila: OK, OK! I get the point! Just tell me
what you're gonna do about it!
- Brunet: Do?
- Blond: Oh, we don't do anything. We're just
the watchmen.
- Brunet: Yeah, I guess, maybe, you might wanna
call the police or something.
- Jonathan Davis: All right, gang. We have to
split up and look for clues.
- Stan: How do we split up?
- Jonathan: I know. Let's have everyone who
enjoys having obstacles in their life which they can overcome go
this way. And everyone whose insecurity sabotages their potential
to overcome these obstacles go that way.
- All of Korn: Okay!
- Kyle: [joined the first group] Wow!
That was easy!
- Cartman: [Whispers to Phonics Monkey]
Come on, Phonics Monkey, drum!
[Phonics Monkey smiles, looks around and does
nothing]
- Cartman: [Angrily Whispers] Come
on!
[Phonics Monkey begins to Masturbate]
- Kyle: You got my note?
- Rebecca: Uh huh, of course. You taped it to my
dog; how could I not see it?
- Kyle: Can we sit down?
- Rebecca: Why not?
- Kyle: Rebecca, don't you ever look at the
town? That flicker of light over there?
- Rebecca: I have looked at it.
- Kyle: That's a public school. And in it, there
are children, just like us.
- Rebecca: How can children go to school on a
flicker of light?
- Kyle: From your house, public school is just a
flicker of light. Don't you want to go out? All you do is stay in
your house and study.
- Rebecca: What else would one do?
- Kyle: Love, for one thing.
- Rebecca: And what is love?
- Kyle: Love...is the most important thing on
Earth. When boys and girls feel love, they kiss.
- Rebecca: What means kiss?
- Kyle: When a man and a woman feel...love, they
put their lips together.
- Rebecca: Oh, you mean a mate. When it is time
to increase the herd, my provider will select one for me.
- Kyle: Rebecca, in public school, we select our
own mate. In public school, men and women get together, make each
other happy.
- Rebecca: You certainly come from a strange
place. Still, I would like to try this...kiss. (Kyle turns round,
relieved) So I can write about it. (Kyle comes and sits down next
to her again) So how do we do it?
- Kyle: I'm not completely sure.
- Rebecca: (turning her head towards him)
Perhaps we should look it up.
- Kyle: (turning his head towards her) no, I
think it's something we should try a few times... (leans in closer)
until we get it... (leans even closer) right... (They lean in and
kiss quickly)
- Rebecca: Wow... Wow, that was fun... (she
grabs Kyle and kisses him again, though more passionately)
- Kyle: Does that mean you'll go to the
dance?
- Rebecca: You bet your sweet ass I will.
- Cartman: Here's a little dreidel that's small
and made of clay. But I'm not gonna play with it 'cause dreidel's
friggin' gay.
- Shelly: On Christmas day in the Morning
AAAAHHHHHH! *Throws piano at Stan and Kyle*
- News Anchor: Fighting the frizzies, at
eleven.
- Rod Stewart: Poo pants.
- Jesus: What?
- Rod Stewart: Poo pants.
- Jesus: Poo pants?
- Rod Stewart: I pooped my pants.
- Jesus: Y-you pooped your pants?
- Rod Stewart: I pooped my pants.
- Jesus: Oh. Uh, nurse? Mr. Stewart has
apparently pooped his pants.
- Nurse: Again? Now Mr. Stewart, what
did we say about trying to hold in Mr. Dookie?
- Randy: [taken aback] That's God?
- Jesus: Yea, 'tis my Father, the Creator. He is
the Alpha and the Omega.
- [A snake's tongue lashes out from God's mouth.]
- Jesus: The Beginning and the End.
- Mr. Garrison: Well, yeah, but that?
- God: What did you expect me to look like, My
son?
- Mr. Garrison: [thinks for a moment]
Well not like that!
- Mr. Garrison Sr.: Alright. Would you have sex
with your son to save his life? [the others ponder the
question]
- Patron 2: Oh, this is one of them Scruples
questions, ain't it?
- Patron 1: No, no, I got a better one: Would
you have sex with your mother to save your father's life?
- Patrons: [wondering] Wooo, yeah.
- Patron 2: Oh, like if someone had a gun to
your father's head and said, "Have sex with your mother or else
I'll shoot him"?
- Patron 1: Yeah.
- Patron 2: Oh, that's a tough one.
- Patron 3: Hmmm.
- Mr. Garrison Sr.: No no wait, uh, you don't
understand.
- Blond: How about if someone made you have sex
with your mother and father to save your own life?
- Patrons: No, no, no way. No.
- Patron 6: But if it was to save my mother's
life, uh-I think I would have to have sex with my father.
- Patron 7: Yeup.
- Patron 8: Me, too.
- Patron 9: Well, I think that goes without
saying.
- Mr. Garrison Sr.: Well actually, I'm just…
talking about a son.
- Patron 8: Well, personally, I would have sex
with my son to save to save my mother's life. It depends, uh- how
big a gun are we talkin' here?
- Mr. Garrison Sr.: Uh, he doesn't have a
gun.
- Blond: The father doesn't have a gun?
- Mr. Garrison Sr.: No! Nobody's got a gun!
- Patron 3: I think if someone said, "Have sex
with your mother or else I'm gonna kill your son," but he didn't
have a gun, I wouldn't do it.
- Patron 2: He could have a knife, though.
- Patron 1: Yeah.
- Patron 3: Sure.
- Patron 1: Yeah, a knife.
- Bartender: If a killer put a knife to my
throat, and said, "Have sex with your father or else I'm gonna kill
your mother while having sex with you," I would have sex with
myself.
Season 4
- Cartman: Hmm. Work for you, have my penis cut
off. Work for you, have my penis cut off. Hmm, let's see.
- Cartman: Do not wake up till morning, or I
will kick you in the nuts. Aww, in the nuts.
- Cartman: T-Tooth? What the hell? Mom!
- Liane: Yes, Eric.
- Cartman: You know, the tooth fairy forgot to
bring me money last night! Call the police!
- Liane: Oh. Eric, poopie, sit down. Mommy has
something to tell you. It's just that--well--there is no tooth
fairy, Eric. I've been putting all that money under your pillow,
and because you had so many teeth fall out, I've actually run out
of money and can't go to the grocery store for at least a
month.
- Cartman: You almost had me for a second there,
Mom, heh. "There's no tooth fairy." I suppose you're gonna tell me
there's no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, or Jesus, either, heh-heh.
M-Mom?
- Liane: I'm sorry, Eric. All children find out
sooner or later.
- Cartman: Y-you're serious here. There really
is no tooth fairy?
- Liane: No, honey. It's just--
- Cartman: How could--? How could you lie to me,
Mother? Lie right to my face?
- Liane: Oh, Eric, it's just part of being a
child.
- Cartman: How can I trust you? How can I trust
anyone ever again, Mother? I guess, uh to make it through this
life, I can only trust myself.
- Gerald: Oh, hello, son.
- Kyle: Dad, there is so a tooth fairy,
huh?
- Gerald: What? Oh. Kyle, let's have a little
talk.
- Kyle: Oh my God! You did lie to
me!
- Gerald: No. Kyle, she's just make-believe.
Like Peter Pan.
- Kyle: Peter Pan, too?
- Gerald: Kyle--
- Kyle: What about Moses and Abraham?
- Gerald: Well, they were probably real.
- Kyle: Probably? Is Atlantis real?
- Gerald: Probably not.
- Kyle: Wa-ha-ha-hah!
- Gerald: Look, Kyle, adults make up those
things because they're fun for children.
- Kyle: Fun for children? Fun for children? Look
at me, Dad! I don't even know what's real anymore! Waaaah!
- Kyle: All right, let's go.
- Timmy: Go! Timm-ay! (Shoots off on his
wheelchair, pulling Kenny's tooth (which isn't loose) hard)
- Kenny: (howls. He is pulled out of his parka)
Aargh! (groans)
- Cartman: (laughs) Look, guys! I can see
Kenny's little Pingling!
- Announcer of the ADA: Fellow dentists! As you
all know, we are still having numerous reports of missing teeth
from all over the country. There are also reports of missing
tooth-fairy money. We believe that there can be only one logical
reason for all of this: A giant half-chicken, half-squirrel, that
steals either teeth or money from children as they sleep in order
to build some kind of giant nest, for genetically superior and
potentially dangerous offspring. We believe also, that the creature
would have at least a mild understanding of algebra, and that
it....
- Dr Foley: Excuse me, I think I have a more
logical theory!
- Announcer of the ADA: Well, by all means, Mr
Foley, enlighten us!
- Dr Foley: I think what we've got here is some
kind of black-market tooth racket. Something where one group is
stealing the money and teeth from another group for a profit!
- Announcer of the ADA: (all laughing) Oh, Mr
Foley! You realize how ridiculous that sounds?!
- Dr Foley: It's not ridiculous, it's very
possible. I've seen it happen before!
- Announcer of the ADA: Where?
- Dr Foley: In Montreal.
- Announcer of the ADA: (more laughing) And
where, pray, is this 'Montreal'?
- Dr Foley: Look, I know how to handle this. All
we have to do is bring down the kingpin and the rest will fall.
You'll see! I'll have it taken care of in a matter of weeks!
- Announcer of the ADA: Very well, Mr Foley! You
go on your 'wild goose chase', and meanwhile we'll deal with the
real problems at hand.
- Dr Foley: I will! (leaves)
- Announcer of the ADA: Ha ha ha! Anyway, the
half-chicken, half-squirrel would most likely be about 3-4.5 feet
tall. His large beak is probably detachable, and works as a
floatation device...
- Kyle: But you know, I've learned somthing
today: You see, the basis of all reasoning is the mind's awareness
of itself. What we think, the external objects we perceive, are all
like actors that come on and off stage. But our consciousness, the
stage itself, is always present to us.
- Pip: Let's hear it for Cartman's big fat
arse!
- [Cartman throws stone at Pip, who is struck and
falls.]
- Cartman: Do British people count as an ethnicity
for hate crimes?
- Others: Nah.
- Cartman: Sweet.
- Stan: You know something, guys? I think we all
took Cartman's ass for granted.
- Mr. Garrison: Very good, Kyle. Now, who can
tell me what famous person wrote the Declaration of Independence?
Let's see. Oh, I know. How about the new student, Timmy?
- Timmy: Timmiihh!
- Mr. Garrison: No, it wasn't you, Timmy.
- Announcer: You're watching MTV, the cool,
brainwashing, twelve-year-old-and-younger station that hides behind
a slick image. We're so cool that we decide what's cool. And now,
MTV News, the news that is singlehandedly dumbing down our country.
Which is cool. Here's your host, Kurt Loder
- Kurt Loder: Why am I still doing this? I've
got to be the oldest person in this network by at least 40
years.
- Announcer: Kurt Loder didn't just say that. No
wait, he did just say it, but just to be cool. That's what makes
him cool. You think Kurt Loder is cool. And now, the news that's
cool.
- Kurt Loder: Phil Collins, by the way, divorced
his wife via fax and then married a 27-year-old.
- Stan: Dude! I think these guys mean to have
sexual encounters with us!
- (outside the hotel, as Stuart is being put into the
ambulance)
- Kenny's Mom: Are you all right, Stuart?
- Stuart: Don't touch me! I've had my nuts
broken, body poisoned, and been made love to in the ass by three
dozen 40-year-old men. (sobs): I just wanna go home and
take a--a hot bath!
- Lead Agent: [to NAMBLA leader] We've
been after you for a long time, buddy! Do you know your
rights?
- NAMBLA Leader: Rights? Does anybody know their
rights? You see, I've learned something today. Our forefathers came
to this country because…they believed in an idea. An idea called
"freedom." They wanted to live in a place where a group couldn't be
prosecuted for their beliefs. Where a person can live the way he
chooses to live. You see us as being perverted because we're
different from you. People are afraid of us, because they don't
understand. And sometimes it's easier to persecute than to
understand.
- Kyle: Dude, you have sex with children!
- NAMBLA Leader: We are human. Most of us didn't
even choose to be attracted to young boys. We were born that way.
We can't help the way we are, and if you all can't understand that,
well, then, I guess you'll just have to put us away.
- Kyle: [slowly] Dude. You have
sex with children!
- Stan: Yeah. You know, we believe in equality
for everybody, and tolerance, and all that gay stuff, but dude,
f**k you.
- Kyle: Seriously.
- Mr Garrison: I do not have sex with boys. I
like men my own age. Ah! I mean I like women. Ah! What did I just
say? I like titties!
- Cartman: I've outgrown all of my friends. I
need to meet more mature people, Clyde Frog. (stares at Clyde Frog)
Ohhh, great idea, Clyde Frog! I can meet new friends on the
Internet! (looks on computer) Here's a chat room: 'Men who like
young boys'...that's perfect! (types a message under screen name
'BigBoned') Hi everybody! I am a young boy seeking an older male
for good times. I am eight years old and--(he gets cut off and
subsequently bombarded by messages from old guys). Wow, look at all
these guys that want to be my friend! I'll pick...'Tony316'.
[online conversation]
- BigBoned: Hi Tony!
- Tony316: So what R U into?
- BigBoned: Oh, U know, the usual stuff. :)
(Cartman says it out loud as 'smiley face')
- Tony316: Kewl. Wanna get together? :)
(Cartman again pronounces 'smiley face')
- BigBoned: Sure, Tony. That would be
kewl. ;) (Cartman pronounces 'winking smiley face')
- Tony316: Meet me at Mel's Buffet Restaurant
tomorrow morning.
- BigBoned: Sounds good, see ya then! <@:)
(Cartman: 'clown hat...curly hair...smiley face!')
- Cartman: (searching online for a new friend)
OK, let's try this again. (typing) Hi everyone. I am looking for
fun times with older male. I like to--(interrupted again by even
more online 'friends'). Oh, this one looks good. 'Hung Daddy'.
(typing) Hello, Hung Daddy.
- Hung Daddy: Hi. I am 8 1/2 inches.
- Cartman: Man, dude. This guy is tiny. He must
be a dwarf. (typing) Sorry, I'm not interested in being friends
with midgets. Midgets piss me off. :(
- Mr Garrison: [writing] Diana had
never slept with another woman before, but it was an erotic thought
she often fantasized about. (aside to Mr. Hat) Oh, yeah, Mr. Hat!
Hot lesbo scene comin' up! And as Rebecca's naked body lay before
her, Diana couldn't help but feel aroused. "Go on," Rebecca said
softly. "Touch me." Diana leaned down slowly and brushed Rebecca's
bare stomach with her fingertips. It felt good. Like a penis. A
soft, but sturdy penis that felt warm to the touch. In Rebecca's
mind, she suddenly felt like she was surrounded by penises. They
were all around her, flopping all around and slapping her face. It
was as if she were in a redwood forest of penises.
They presented themselves, tall and mighty, all around her, wi-
(Mr. Hat slowly slides under the desk) Mr. Hat, what the hell are
you doing? …oh, Mr. Hat!
- Stan and Kyle: Hello, Chef.
- Chef: My name isn't Chef anymore, children. I
converted to Islam.
- Stan: Islam?
- Chef: From now on, my name is Abdul Mohammed
Jabar Rauf Kareem Ali.
- Mr. Garrison: Oh, I'm sorry, Chef, Mr. Hat is
a racist son of a bitch.
- Mr. Hat: Don't apologize for me to that
spearchucker!
- Wendy: Bebe--I'm attracted to Cartman.
- Bebe: Aaaaaaaaahhh!!
- Wendy: I know…
- KKK: (chanting) White power! White
power!
- Klan Leader: Well that's enough rallying for
this afternoon, members! Let's take a Hot Shower.
- KKK: (chanting) Hot shower! Hot shower!
Hot shower!
- Jimbo: (whispering) All right, Ned, we gotta
be careful. These are really evil men we're dealing with
here...
- Ned: (in a loud voice (because of his
voicebox)) OK...
- Jimbo: (whispering angrily) Dammit, Ned,
doesn't that thing have a volume control?
- Ned: (in loud voice) No.
- Klan Leader: Now, brothers, it is time for us
all to come together and do our cake raffle!
- KKK: (conversing) Oooooh, Cake Raffle!
- Klan Leader: This week's winner is
2...9...7...4
- Klan Member: I won! I won! I won the
cake!
- Klan Leader: Good job, Brother.
- Wendy: Miiis-suuus Landers was a health nut.
She cooked food in a wok.
-
- Mr. Harris was her boyfriend, and he had a great big-
- Cock-a-doodle-doodle, the rooster just won't quit
- And I don't want my breakfast, because it tastes like-
- Shih tzus make good house pets. They're cuddly and sweet.
- Monkeys aren't good to have, because they like to beat
their-
- Meeting in the office or meeting in the hall,
- The boss, he wants to see you so you can suck his
- Balzac was a writer, he lived with Allen Funt
- Mrs. Roberts didn't like him, but that's 'cause she's a-
- Contaminated water can really make you sick.
- Your bladder gets infected, and blood comes out your-
- Dictate what I'm saying, 'cause it will bring you luck
- And if you all don't like it, I don't give a flying f**k!
- Cartman:That was good, Wendy. Don't call us,
we won't call you neither.
- Fingerbang: Fingerbang! Bang bang! Fingerbang!
Bang bang bang! I'm gonna fingerbang bang you into my life! Girl
you you like to fingerbang and that's all right! 'Cause I'm the
king of fingerbang and let's not fight. I'm gonna fingerbang bang
you every night. I'm gonna fingerbang bang you every night!
- Cartman: You guys, I had a dream of how I can
make ten million dollars. You ready?...Boy Band.
- Stan: Boy Band?
- Cartman: Boy Band
- Kyle: I'm not joining any faggy boy band.
- Cartman: There's nothing faggy about ten
million dollars, asshole!!!!
- Stan: Hey Cartman, what does 'fingerbang'
mean, anyway?
- Cartman: I heard it on HBO, it means, like,
you know, when you pretend to use your finger like a gun or
something.
- Kenny: (laughs) That's not what it means.
- Stan: Kenny says that's not what it
means.
- Cartman: Oookay, Kenny, what does 'fingerbang'
mean then?
- Kenny: It's when you take your finger, and you
stick it in a vagina and you stick it again and again.
- Cartman:...What? What?! Who the hell would do
that?! Jesus Christ! Grow up, Kenny, would you?!
- Sister Anne: Now let me explain how communion
works. The priest will give you this round cracker. And this
cracker is the body of Christ.
- Cartman: Jesus was made of…crackers?
- Sister Anne: No.
- Stan: But crackers are his body.
- Sister Anne: Yes.
- Kenny: What?
- Sister Anne: In the book of Mark, Jesus
distributed bread and said "Eat this, for it is my body."
- Cartman: So we won't go to Hell as long as we
eat crackers.
- Sister Anne: No no no no!
- Butters: Well, what are we eating then?
- Sister Anne: The body of Christ!
- Stan: No no no, I get it. Jesus wanted us to
eat him, but he didn't want us to be cannibals...So he turned
himself into crackers and then told people to eat him.
- Sister Anne: No!
- Stan: No?!
- Butters: I can't whistle if I eat too many
crackers.
- Sister Anne: Look, all you need to know is
that when the priest gives you the cracker, you eat it. OK?
- Boys: OK...
- Sister Anne: And then you will drink a very
small amount of wine. For that, is the blood of Christ.
- Cartman: Oh come on now, this is just getting
silly.
- Sister Anne: Eric, do you want to go to
hell?
- Cartman: No!
- Sister Anne: Then stop questioning me.
- Stan: [after Kenny is hit by a bus]
Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
- Butters: He had sins that he didn't
confess!
- Stan: He's doomed.
- Cartman: It's a man's obligation to stick his
boneration in a woman's separation; this sort of penetration will
increase the population of the younger generation.
- Satan: No, it can't be! You're dead! I killed
you!
- Saddam Hussein: Yeah, you killed me. So? Where
was I gonna go? Detroit?
- [Cartman stands on a platform and is preaching to the
kids]
- Cartman: I am saying this because we must be
saved-ah. The Lord is powerful and he will smote the sinners and
send them to everlasting hell-ah. If you do not live your life for
Him-ah, then to the lake of fire you shall go-ah!
- Principal Victoria: [approaches with
parents behind the gathering] You see that, parents? Your
children have refused to come into class since this morning. I'm
afraid your son is the leader, Ms. Cartman.
- Cartman: [meanwhile, in the
background] Well, God is gonna heal those eyes and save you
from the devil begone-ah! O praise His name!
- Principal Victoria: Apparently he's read the
entire Bible, and now he's scaring the hell out of everyone.
- Cartman: [in the background] But some
of you believe in the power of God-ah! Do you believe he is gonna
cure your face of the uglies?
- Ms. Cartman: [to Eric] Poopikins,
it's time to stop preaching damnation to everyone, sweetie!
- Stan: [Kyle and Stan get on the
platform] Don't you guys, um, persecrute our religous
beliefs.
- Kids: Yeah!
- Mrs. Marsh: We are not trying to persecute you
kids, but you're supposed to be in school.
- Stan: What purpose does school have? The Bible
says the only goal in this life is to praise God and get into
heaven.
- Kyle: Yeah, and this life is short. The
afterlife is forever.
- [Cartman preaching behind the schoool]
- Cartman: Many of you knew Kenny McCormick. He
was a playful school-going 8-year-old. And then yesterday, he was
smacked down by the Lord-ah! God bitch-slapped him right down to
the fiery depths of hell-ah!
- [Kenny has arrived in Mexico]
- Kenny: [mumbling] Where am I?
- Mexican: Qué?
- Kenny: [mumbling] Where am
I?!
- Mexican: Qué?
- [Cartman preaching in church]
- Cartman: Friends, I have to tell you that last
night I received a phone call from beyond the grave-ah.
- Kids: gasp
- Cartman: It was our departed friend, Kenny,
calling from the depths of Hell and he described what Hell is like
in horrid detail-ah. He said that in Hell, the smell is awful. He
says that in Hell...Everyone speaks Spanish!
- Kids: gasp
- Cartman: He said there is water in Hell, but
if you drink it you pee blood out your ass for seven
hours-ah!
- Kids: gasp
- Cartman: And perhaps worst of all, in Hell
there are dozens and dozens of little trinket stores, but they all
have the same little trinkets in them-ah!
- Kids: gasp
- Protestant: Hey, wait a minute, I was a
complete and devout Protestant. I thought we got into Heaven?
- Hell Orientation Director: Yes, well, I'm
afraid you were wrong.
- Jehovah's Witness: I was a practicing
Jehovah's Witness.
- Hell Orientation Director: You picked the
wrong religion as well.
- Random Orientation Attendee: Well, who was
right? Who got into Heaven?
- Hell Orientation Director: I'm afraid it was
the [1]... Mormons were the correct answer.
- Orientation Attendees: (collective
groan)
- Chris: Satan!
- Satan: Chris!
- (they run to embrace each other)
- Satan: But I thought Saddam killed you?
- Chris: Well, yeah, where was I going to go,
Detroit?
- God: [after hearing Satan's story] Jesus, what
the hell happened to you?
- Satan: Huh?
- God: You got kicked out of here for being a
headstrong rebel. And now you're a whiny little bitch.
- Bill Cosby (robot): (Drawing a gun) Well, that
does it!
- Kyle: Hey, what are you doing?
- Bill Cosby (robot): I have no other choice.
For the sake of humanity I have to kill him. [Cartman]
- Kyle: Oh, OK.
- Stan: That's fine. [Pauses] No,
wait!
- Bill Cosby (robot): What?
- Stan: Can I do it?
- Bill Cosby (robot): Oh well, I suppose. (Hands
gun over to Stan)
- Stan: Sweet! Kiss your ass goodbye,
Fatboy!
- Bill Cosby (robot): Wait, perhaps there is
another way. If you take me to where Eric Cartman lives, I could
try reasoning with his human mother.
- Stan: Well, yeah. Or we could just kill
him.
- Kyle: Yeah, that would be faster.
- Stan: He's right there.
- Bill Cosby (robot): I'm afraid I can't. I
think I'm actually starting to feel what you "humans" call
compassion. It's an amazing feeling.
- Stan and Kyle: Oh.
- Ike: I pooped my pants!
- [Kyle enters the core of Cartman/Trapper Keeper]
- Cartman/Trapper Keeper: What are you doing,
Kyle?
- Kyle: I'm going to shut down the Trapper
Keeper's CPU.
- Cartman/Trapper Keeper: I'm afraid I can't let
you do that, Kyle.
- Kyle: [angrily] Screw you,
fatass.
- Cartman/Trapper Keeper: Hey, screw you!
- Mr. Garrison:: What the hell is that? [walks
to the window and looks out] Oh my God! What is that thing?!
Children, there's some huge bulbous monstrosity heading for the
classroom! [some of the kids slink down in their seats] Oh my God,
it's awful! It's coming for the door. [the doorknob turns and the
kindergartners crouch in terror]
- Rosie O'Donnell:: Hello, kids!
- Officer Barbrady:Now there's two of those
things!
- [Kyle has agreed to buy a turkey from a rancher.]
- Kyle: How much?
- Rancher: Fifty bucks.
- Kyle: But you were just gonna take it out in
the backyard and put a bullet in its head!
- Rancher: I know! Now I gotta find somethin'
else to shoot.
- Cartman: Speak to me, Helen. Let me be your
voice. [nothing happens] Come on, you blind bitch! Channel
your spirit through me!
- [Cartman has agreed to be blindfolded and earmuffed to get
an idea of Helen Keller's perspective; he sees various frightening
images.]
- Cartman: Oh, man!
- Maynard: What did you see?
- Cartman: Nothing, just the same old crap I
always see when I close my eyes.
- Mr. Mackey: Every year the fourth-graders do
The Miracle Worker and every year I have to sit and watch it.
- Principal Victoria: Yeah, I swore that if I
had to see it one more time I'd put a bullet in my head. But
luckily I got really stoned before I came.
Pip [4.14]
- Pip: Joe, do you know anything about
women?
- Joe: Sure! They're those things with vaginas
in 'em!
- Pocket: Oh, we'll have a gay old time!...and
by "gay", I mean "happy" not "penetration of the bum"!
- Audience Member: Hey kid! I'll give you 20
bucks to eat a really old piece of bacon!
- Stan: Chef, what's a prostitute?
- Chef: Dagnabbit children! How come every time
you come in here you gotta be askin' me questions that I shouldn't
be answering?! "Chef, what's the clitoris?" "What's a lesbian,
Chef?" "How come they call it a rim job, Chef?" For once, can't you
just come in here and say "Hi, Chef. Nice day, isn't it?"
- Stan: OK. Hi, Chef. Nice day, isn't it?
- Chef: Thank you. Yes, it is a nice day
- Stan: Chef, what's a prostitute?
- Counselor Rick: Hello, camper! My name is
Rick. How are you doing?
- Cartman: Well, I'm pissed off, Rick!
How are you?
- Cartman: All right, I don't know who the hell
put you all up to this, but I am not going to some gay-ass
fat camp!
- Mr. Mackey: Now, Eric, all these people are
doing this because we care about you, m'kay?
- Mr. Garrison: Except for me. I just wanted to
see the look on your face when we told you.
- Stan: [after the fake Kenny suffocates in
Miss Crabtree's uterus] Oh my God! They killed Kenny! Sort
of.
- Kyle: Yeah! They killed Kenny's look-alike.
You bastards!
- Cartman: Mom, tell them how everyone in your
family was big-boned, but then they got thinner as they grew.
- Liane Cartman: Oh, those were just lies,
sweetie. You're just a fat piece of crap who I never loved.
- Kyle: Dude. I don't know if I'm going to like
the new Eric Cartman.
- Stan: Did you like the old one?
- Kyle: Good point.
- Kyle: What I understand is that you two really
screwed me over! Why should I have to listen to you?!
- Gerald: (angrily) because we're your
parents.
- Kyle: (furiously) Well, I wish I didn't
HAVE any parents! (storms off)
- Sheila: (shocked) Kyle?!
- Kyle: It's so unfair! How can my parents do
that to me?!
- Stan: Parents can be pretty cruel sometimes,
dude. They get off on it.
- Kyle: They're evil! I wish I didn't have
any parents!!
- Cartman: Well, you could make them go away for
a while.
- Kyle: How?!
- Cartman: Well, I mean, you could call the
police and have them take your parents away.
- Stan: The police?
- Cartman: Yeah, I saw it on TV. All you gotta
do is call the police and say that your parents both molestered
you.
- Kyle: What's that?
- Cartman: I don't know, but it works. When I
wanted to get rid of my mom's last boyfriend, I just called the
police, and said he was molestering me, and I haven't seen him for
three months.
- Kyle: What's "bad touch"?
- Cartman: Something 'bout a swimsuit, I don't
remember, but you definitely answer "bad touch"!
- [Song that convinces Castro to convert to
democracy.]
- Kyle:
- If I could have one wish, just one wish in the whole world
- If I could have one wish, it would be for Cuba to change
- 'Cause I think all of the Cubans are in pain
- All the joy in the world, from sea to shining sea
- Doesn't mean a thing, if Cubans aren't free
- I just can't be very happy, I'm certain
- Not as long as your Cubans are hurtin'
- Oh won't you search your soul and find a way to change your
mind
- That is my one and only wish
- Linda: Hello, what's your name...What--what do
you want?
- Little Girl: We wanna play.
- Linda: Mark, I'm scared.
- Mark: Don't be scared, they're just kids.
Where are your parents?
- Little Boy: We already played with our
parents.
- Little Girl: Now we wanna play with you.
- Mark: OK, I'm scared now, too. That freaked me
out.
- Butters: Aww, I was just about to sacrifice
myself to Mr. Elway.
- Butters:
(Talking through construction paper cut-out of a woman) Hey there
good lookin', what's your name
(Talking through "Butters" cut-out) Butters, Ma'am.
(Talking through construction paper cut-out of a woman) Well
Butters would you like to slap my titties around?
(Talking through "Butters" cut-out) (smiles) Oh, well! Uh (sad
expression) no thanks, Ma'am I'll get in trouble again. (Puts
cut-outs away)
Season 5
- Cartman: You seem a little irritable, Kyle.
You got some sand in your vagina?
- Cartman: Don't worry, Kyle's just got a little
sand in his vagina.
- Kyle: There's no sand in my vagina!!
- Mr.Garrison: Hey there, shitty-shitty fag-fag,
shitty-shitty fag-fag, how do you do?
- Cartman: I said 'shit' on television.
- Stan: But they're gonna say 'shit' and you're
gonna miss it.
- Kyle: I don't really give a fuck.
- Jimbo: Why can't I say 'fag' if I wanna say
'fag'?
- Garrison: Well, they can't say fag, you have
to be a homosexual to say that.
- Randy: You mean I can't say
*beep*?
- Garrison: No, see, you got beeped.
- Guy: You mean you have to be a *beep*
to say *beep*?
- Garrison: Yep.
- Jimbo: Well that's not fair! I should be able
to say 'fag.' *look of shock*
- Randy: Hey..you didn't get beeped.
- Jimbo: Uh-oh.
- Garrison: Well, I guess we learned something
new about you, Jimbo, you freakin' fag. You wanna go make out or
something?
(The boys are in the library searching for the cause of people's
serious illness)
- Cartman: (with urgency) You guys! Look here!
(the group rushes over) In this Nancy Drew mystery, Nancy goes to
the beach and gets sand in her shoe! That could explain
how Kyle got it in his vagina!
- Kyle: Dammit I'm serious!
- Cartman: So am I, Kyle--with that sand in your
vagina, you're a ticking time bomb.
- Cartman: Cripple fight!!!
- Cartman: [over PA] Attention,
shoppers, outside today we have Cripple Fight. Cripple Fight,
outside.
- Randy Marsh: You do not say 'big silly goose,'
you call him an asshole like a normal kid!
- Stan: All right! Fine! (to Cartman)
Asshole.
- Randy: That's better.
- Cartman: Don't call me an asshole, you big son
of a bitch!
- Jimmy: Sometimes it's like, "Please Timmy,
learn a new word," huh, huh. [imitates Timmy]
"Timmy!"
- Timmy: [angry] Aahhh!
- Jimmy: [continues impression] I'm
living a lie, I'm living a lie, Timmy!
- Randy Marsh: Kenny's dad and I were in Scouts
for years.
- Stan: Was your dad in Scouts, Cartman? Oh
yeah, you don't have a dad. [everyone laughs]
- Cartman: That's not funny! Jesus Christ!
- Timmy: Timmah!
- Jimmy: Not this year!
- Jimmy: Timmy, I told you. Put on the
hat! (punches him in the stomach)
- Jimmy: You dirty motherfucker!
- Butters: I don't think I'm happy. I fall
asleep to the sound of my own screams.
- Magic Workshop Leader:...right.
- Butters: And in the morning, I wake up to the
sound of my own screams.
- Stan: Kyle?!
- [Stan turns over a dead body of a bald cult member, it
takes a moment for Stan to recognize him.]
- Stan: [gasps] Oh, my God, they
killed Kenny!
- Kyle: [offscreen, in the distance]
You bastards!
- Stan: Kyle? Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
- Kyle: [still offscreen, in the
distance] You bastards!
- Stan: [follows Kyle's voice] Oh my
God, they killed Kenny!
- Cartman: (to Stan and Kyle) Ahhh,
that's so sweet, you guys! Hey you wanna get a room so you can make
out for a while? [Laughs. Kyle kicks him in the balls] Ow!
[Stan kicks him] Aargh! [boys take turns kicking
him] Stop it! Aaargh!
- Stan: Kyle, I'm starting to think that this is
a really bad idea.
- Butters: I'm not Kyle, I'm Butters. I thought
you were Kyle.
- Stan No, I'm Stan.
- Kyle: You're Stan? Where's Kenny?
- Stan: Who are you?
- Kyle: I'm Kyle.
- Cartman: He-he, guess who I am, guys?
- Kyle: I'm not going anywhere.
- Stan: Goddammit, I'm not going with you! I
wanna stay here!
- Kyle: Huh? I thought you wanted to leave.
- Stan: Oh wait, who am I again?
- Kyle: You're Stan.
- Thom Yorke: [In response to why
the band should fly to Colorado] Didn't you hear the letter? This
poor kid has cancer! In his ass!
- Cartman: [begins to wolf down the
food] God, this is really good, Scott!
- Scott: I'm glad you like it so much, because
now that you're almost finished, I have something to tell you.
- Cartman: (through a mouthful of chili) What?
You mean about how you put pubes in your chili?
[Everyone at Scott's end of the table is shocked, even Scott,
at this accusation.]
- Scott: What?
- Cartman: Yes, I'm afraid this isn't your
chili, Scott. I switched it with Chef's. [Chef looks like he's
been used.] It's delicious, Chef. I hadn't planned on that.
What I did plan on, however, was that my friends, Stan and Kyle,
would betray me and warn you that the Chili Con Carnival was a
trap. [Stan and Kyle are stunned.] I assumed that they
would tell you that I had trained Denkins' pony to bite off your
weiner. What they didn't tell you was that Denkins is a crazy
redneck who shoots trespassers on sight. Knowing that you would try
and do something to the pony, I warned Mr. Denkins that violent
pony killers were in the area. [A shot of Cartman talking to
Denkins, who is armed.] I also know that you wouldn't go
yourself, for fear of having your weiner bitten off. You would most
likely send your parents. [A shot of Scott talking with his
parents.] And, I'm afraid that when Mr. Denkins spotted them
on his property, he shot and killed both your parents. [The
Tenormans are in the corral to rescue the "starving" pony. Seeing
Mr. Tenorman's lit flashlight, Mr. Denkins fires at them; they go
down.]
- Mr. Denkins: [looks of horror surround
him] Well, they was trespassin' and I was protectin' myself.
I-I have my rights.
- Scott: My...mom and dad are...dead? [A
shot of Officer Barbrady taking a report from Denkins.]
- Cartman: I came just in time to see Mr.
Denkins giving his report to Officer Barbrady. And of course, to
steal the bodies...[A shot of Cartman arriving, seeing Denkins
and Barbrady, and pulling the bodies away.] After a night with
the hacksaw, I was all ready to put on my Chili Con Carnival, so
that I could personally tell you about your parents' demise! And of
course, feed you your chili. [More faces of horror behind
Cartman.] Do you like it? Do you like it, Scott? [A
gleefully evil look comes over Cartman.] I call it, "Mr. &
Mrs. Tenorman Chili."
- Scott: [looks at Cartman for a while,
realizing what's just happened] Oh my God! [Gagging, he
fishes through the plate and finds his mom's wedding ring, still on
her finger. He tosses it away.] Oh my God!! [Vomits off to
the side.]
- Cartman: [leaping up on the table and
sings] Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! I made you eat your
parents! Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! [Stan and Kyle are
stunned.]
- Stan: Jesus Christ, dude!
- Scott: [grief-stricken, he buries his face
on the table] My mom and dad are dead! [Pounds the
table.] No! No-o-o! [Radiohead arrives and stands behind
Scott. Stan notices.]
- Thom: Um, excuse me?
- Stan: Who are you?
- Jonny: We're that band, Radiohead.
- Ed: [to Scott] Jeez, what a little
crybaby!
- Colin: Are you gonna cry all day,
crybaby?
- Thom: You know, everyone has problems. It
doesn't mean you have to be a little crybaby about it.
- Ed: Come on, guys, let's go. This kid is
totally not cool. [The members of the band start
leaving.]
- Thom: Yeah, that's the most uncool kid I've
ever met.
- Phil: Little crybaby.
- Scott: [gathers himself and looks.]
No, wait! Wa-a-i-i-t-t! Oh my God, Oh my Go-o-o-o-d!! [Buries
his face in the table and bawls again.] Nooo!
- Cartman: [walks over to Scott's end of the
table] Yes! Ye-e-s-s! Oh, let me taste your tears, Scott!
[Starts licking Scott's tears off his face.] Mm, your
tears are so yummy and sweet.
- Kyle: Dude, I think it might be best for us to
never piss Cartman off again.
- Stan: Good call.
- Cartman: Oh, the tears of unfathomable
sadness! Mm-yummy. [Licks the tears off the table and off
Scott's face.] Mm-yummy, you guys! (fade out, then quickly
back in to Looney Tunes-style iris)
be-de-be-de, that's all, folks!
Terrance
and Phillip: Behind the Blow [5.5]
- Young Terrance and Phillip: Beef and lamb,
chicken and ham
- Step to the left and clap your hands!
- Gosh, we love that chicken and ham
- Don't they love that chicken and ham?
- Woman: Oh my God, what's wrong with their
heads?
- Man: It's all right, darling. They're just
Canadian.
- Woman: Oh.
- Phillip: Say, Terrance, I'm getting worried
aboot all these Russians making missiles. Maybe we should stop this
"cold war."
- Terrance: Here's a missile for ya!
[farts]
- Phillip: Say, Terrance, what should we do
aboot this strange planet we've crashed on?
- Terrance: I don't know, Phillip. It seems like
the alien species here breathe an inert gas.
- Phillip: Oh oh, did you say what I thought you
said? [farts; they both laugh]
- Goat Leader: As leader of the goat people, I
have seen my species nearly wiped out by your dangerous gas.
- Phillip: Wow, that sucks.
- Cartman: Look, if you don't come and do this
show, I'll make you eat your parents!
- Phillip: Yeah, whatever, kid.
- Stan: He'll
do it, dude!
- Stan: Look, you guys! That line isn't
long!
- Kyle: Yeah, but we're not female groupies or
random sluts!
- Cartman: Kenny's a random slut!
- Stan: Oh my God!
- Kyle: Kenny WASN'T lying!
- Kyle: [speaking to God] Why? How
could you do this? There are people starving in Alabama! And you
give Cartman a million dollars?!
- Cartman: If you see anyone on my propertah,
especially Stan or Kyle, you are to shoot on sight!
- Cartman: What about all the years I spent
making Grandma like me? All the wet, spit-filled kisses I put up
with? The constant smell of aspirin and pee? Don't tell me I didn't
earn it, you son of a bitch.
- Kyle: Then I was right. Job has all his
children killed, and Michael Bay gets to keep making movies. There
isn't a God.
- [Kyle is in the hospital after popping his
hemorrhoid]
- Stan: Dude, are you OK?
- Kyle: (sarcastically) Oh, I'm swell,
Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into
Cartmanland and it got infected. I really need to go to the
bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me
pass out. How are you?
- Kyle: (having discovered Cartman is a
financial genius) [gasps and coughs] Ooh! Aah! Ugh!
[he flatlines]
- Sheila Broflovski: (shaking Kyle's lifeless
body) Kyle? Kyle! Get the doctor!
- Sharon: Stanley, what the hell are you
doing!?
- Stan: I'm beating off the dog. Red
rocket, red rocket! [everyone is shocked]
- Sharon: Stanley, go to your room, right
now!
- Stan: My room? Why?
- Sharon: Go, Stanley! [chuckles
nervously] He gets very good grades.
- [later, in Stan's room]
- Sharon: Stanley, do you know why you're being
grounded for ten months?
- Stan: No.
- Randy: Beating off the dog is not appropriate
when we have company. [Sharon looks at him] Uh, I mean
ever. Beating off the dog is not appropriate
ever.
- Miss Choksondik: You think that sex is about
fun and games and love? Wrong! Sex is about disease.
- Cartman: Butters, will you stop
filibustering?
- Chef: The right time to start having sex is
17.
- Sheila: So you mean 17 as long as you're in
love?
- Chef: Nope, just 17.
- Gerald: But what if you're not ready at
17?
- Chef: 17, you're ready.
- Stan: (he and Kyle are playing with a girl
doll and a plastic car) So, we meet again, Jennifer Lopez.
- Kyle: No, no, please! This time I swear I
won't make any more albums or movies!
- Stan: That's what you said last time, but
obviously we must resort to more drastic measures. (He pulls out a
magnifying glass and uses sun rays to burn the doll).
- Kyle: AHHHHH, IT BURNS, IT BURNS!!!
- Stan: Scream for me, bitch!!
- Kyle: AHHH!!
(Jennifer Lopez's face melts off.)
- Kyle and Stan: Whoa, awesome!
- Mr. Garrison: Now, class, who can tell me what
acondom is? Yes, Jenny?
- Jenny: It flies around and it's
endangered.
- Mr. Garrison: That's a condor, Jenny. Condor.
Condoms are what we use to stop the spread of STD's. Yes,
Fillmore?
- Fillmore: Can we do fingerpaints?
- Mr. Garrison: NO, WE CAN'T DO FINGERPAINTS!!
You kids want herpes, huh? How about a nice bucket of AIDS? Sounds
good? Now pay attention, all right? I'm going to show you the
proper way to put on a condom (pulls out a box of condoms and a
dildo). First of all, you remove the condom from its package. Then
you find which way the condom rolls out. Put it in your mouth (he
does)...and apply (demonstrates on the dildo). (one of the kids
starts to cry)
- Mr. Garrison: And it's as easy as that. Any
questions?
- Chef: Parents. There are reasons why teachers
can't teach sex in school. They might not know a lot about it
(camera fixes on Mr Mackey), they might have a bad opinion of it
(camera moves to Ms Choksondik) or they might just be a complete
pervert (camera moves to Mr Garrison).
- Mr. Garrison: Hey! Why'd the camera pan over
to me?
- Miss Choksondik: Are you wearing a
condom?
- Mr. Mackey: Uh, no.
- Miss Choksondik: Oh, well. Fuck it.
- Mr. Mackey: Eric, what the hell are you
doing?
- Cartman: I'm puttin' on a new condom. I filled
the other one up.
- Mr. Mackey: Why are you wearing a condom?
- Cartman: So I don't get AIDS.
- Mr. Mackey: Eric, you can't get AIDS from just
sitting around. You have to get it from sex.
(all the 4th-grade boys go to the drugstore)
- Male Pharmacist: Can I help you boys?
- Stan: Yeah, we need condoms!!
- Male Pharmacist: Condoms...
- Kyle: Yeah, quick!
- Male Pharmacist:...How old are you boys?
- Stan: Why does that matter?
- Butters: I'll be 9 next week!
- Male Pharmacist: Sorry, kids, I'm not selling
you condoms.
- Kyle: Why not?! You want us to get AIDS?
- Male Pharmacist: I just don't think kids your
age should--
- Female Pharmacist: Mark, we have to be willing
to supply condoms to anyone who requests them.
- Male Pharmacist: But...they're children!
- Female Pharmacist: Would you rather them do it
unprotected?
- Cartman: Yeah, you want us unprotected, you
asshole?
- Male Pharmacist: I just think all this sex-ed
and condom talk in elementary school is wrong!
- Female Pharmacist: Kids are going to do what
they do, and it's up to us to make sure they're protected.
- Stan: Jeez, I'm glad this lady's on our
side.
- Male Pharmacist: I don't even think we'll have
any that fit them!
- Female Pharmacist: Sure we do. We just got in
the new Gladiators for kids: Lil' Minis! They're specially designed
for kids under 10, and they're only $5.95 for a pack of 50.
- Butters: 50?! Oh, can't we just use the same
one every day?!
- Female Pharmacist: No, you have to change
them.
- Kyle: Oh jeez, we're gonna have to buy tons of
these things!
(the boys are reading the condom instructions)
- Stan: Doesn't it give any other
directions?
- Butters: Nope. It looks like you're just
supposed to r-roll it over your wiener. (reading the disclaimer) If
used properly, latex condoms are effective against pregnancy, AIDS
and other studses (STD's).
- Kyle: What are studses?
- Butters: Huh...how the heck should I know?
(opens condom) Why, it's just a little donut! (touches it) Oh,
ohhhh...it's all gooey!
- Cartman: Just put it on, Butters.
- Butters: How come I gotta go first?
- Cartman: Butters, will you stop
fuh-....filibustering?
- Butters: Oh all right then. (turns around and
pulls his pants down) Ohh, it's all sticky.
- Kyle: It says you gotta check it for holes or
tears.
- Butters: I don't even understand how this
thing-oh, wait. Ohh, I see. (Cartman looks over)
- Stan: Don't look at Butters' schlong,
gaymo!
- Cartman: I wasn't looking at his schlong!! I
was seeing how to put the condom on!
- Kyle: Suuuure...
- Butters: But it won't stay on. I need a rubber
band or something.
- Tweek: Gah! I got rubber bands!
- Butters: (fastening the condom with rubber
bands) Ow! Oh...oww! Okay...ow! There...OK, I think it's on.
- Stan: How do you feel?
- Butters:...Pretty good.
- Cartman: Do you feel protected?
- Butters: Yeah, I don't think nothing's gettin'
in my wiener through this thing. It's even got a little reservoir
at the end so you can pee in it.
- Stan: All right, here, everybody. Tweek, give
everyone a rubber band. And somebody's gotta help Timmy get his
condom on.
- Timmy: TIMMMEH!
- Towelie: Don't forget to bring a towel... you
wanna get high?
- Cartman: Towelie, you are the worst character
ever.
- Towelie: I know.
- Towelie: If you go to a motel, be sure to
bring your own towel.
- Cartman: You just have no long-term memory
because you get high all the time.
- Towelie: Don't preach to me, fatso!
- Cartman: I can preach to you all I want,
'cause you're stupid!
- Towelie: You're stupid!
- Cartman: Oh yeah, well you're a towel!
- Towelie: You're a towel!
- Towelie: Oh man, I'm so high right now. I have
no idea what's going on.
- Towelie: That's my last J, asshole!
- Stan: America may have some problems, but it's
our home, our team. And if you don't wanna root for your team, then
you should get the hell out of the stadium.
- Cartman: I told you, jawas have no
heart.
- Kyle: Jawas?
- Cartman: You know, sand people.
- Stan's Afghan counterpart: (To the other
counterparts) We're speaking in English; does that make sense?
- CNN Newscaster: The world has backed down from
its support of the U.S., saying they were only really just
kidding.
- Randy Marsh: Stan, your mom's a little freaked
out right now. Why don't you go outside and play with your big
brown package from Afghanistan?
- Randy Marsh: Sharon, don't you think maybe you
should watch something else? You've been watching CNN for about
(Looks at his watch) eight weeks now?
- [The boys are confronted by Afghan soldiers.]
- Kyle: Uh, greetings from Canada. Well, boys,
it's 'aboot' time we get back to our 'hoose' in Canada, isn't
it?
- Cartman: Hey, what the hell are you talking
about? I'm not a goddamn Canadian and neither are you.
- Stan: Cartman, you stupid asshole.
- Photographer: Take off your hat, please?
- Kyle: But I never take off my hat.
- Photographer: Come on now, I bet your parents
want a picture of you lookin' natural.
- Kyle: This is how I look
natural.
- Jimmy: Why did the...pigeon cross the
road?
- Cartman: Okay, why?
- Jimmy: Because it was having sex with the
chihi... Because it was having sex with the ch-hi-hi... Because it
was having sex with the ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch... eh, it was having
sex with the ch-ch-hiicken.
- [Kyle is paying Cartman $40 not to rip on his cousin (also
called Kyle) for being Jewish.]
- (Kyle's cousin = Kyle. Kyle Broflovski = Kyle 2)
- Ms. Choksondik: Kyle, if you want to succeed
in my class, you're going to need to learn how to concentrate,
concentration is the key to...
- Cartman: Maybe we should send him to a
concentration camp. Oh! Dammit, dammit, dammit!
- Kyle 2: Cartman!
- Kyle 2: But what about Cartman?! He rips on ME
for being Jewish! He's gonna tear THIS kid apart!!!!
- Kyle 2: [after seeing commercial for IT]: That
looks pretty gay.
- Mr. Garrison: Well at least we got rid of
those goddamn nig-
- Token: Why can't I be like all the other
kids?
They all have three-bedroom homes, broken trucks on their
lawns
And cut-up hot dogs for lunch
It's not my fault my parents succeed so much
There's no one in town I can relate to
I play with autographed baseball bats
While everyone else just plays with sticks and pine cones
Has a boy ever felt so alone?
Well, who needs them, anyway? I won't pretend to be something I'm
not
If I can't be poor, I've got to deal with what I've got
If I can't be like them, what I need is more rich kids around
So I'm not the only one, and then I won't be so… down
Please, God, send more rich kids…
To my…town
I don't fit in anywhere.
- Will Smith Jr: …and P-Diddy's kids: P-Diddy
Mini, P-Poofy Bite-size, and Poppa-Diddy Diddy Puff Fun-size
- Cartman: [on the phone] Oh please!
You tell me where you can get aborted fetuses for 70 cents on the
dollar. You tell me, Chuck...Yeah, I didn't think so. You know, I'm
just like the fetuses, Chuck: I wasn't born yesterday either!
- Cartman: I'm telling you, you're making a
fetal mistake. [laughs]
- Chef: Stan, sometimes God takes those closest
to us because it makes him feel better about himself. He is a very
vengeful God, Stan. He's all pissed off about something we did
thousands of years ago. He just can't get over it! So he doesn't
care who he takes. Children, puppies, it don't matter to him, so
long as it makes us sad. Do you understand?
- Stan: But then why does God give us anything
to start with?
- Chef: Well, look at it this way! If you want
to make a baby cry, first you give it a lollipop. Then you take it
away! If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, it would have
nothing to cry about! That's like God, who gives us life and love
and health, just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry.
So he can drink the sweet milk of our tears! You see, it's our
tears, Stan, that give God his great power.
- Stan: I think I understand.
- [Kenny has just died]
- Stan: Did he say anything before he went?
- Kyle: He just said, "Where's Stan?"
- Stan: I let Kenny down. I'm his worst
f-f-f-friend.
- Butters: [on seeing his dad
"wrestling"] Yep. He went in there and wrestled with all kinds
o' guys. He wasn't too good, though. This one black guy had him
pinned down for fifteen minutes straight!
- Butters: Oh, you mean like the time you washed
my mouth out with soap for sayin' "nutsack" in front of Grandma.
Yeah, I need to behave myself. [Butters slaps his right hand
with his left.]
- Truck Driver: Yeah. Too bad you're not a
broad, 'cause I need some goddamn poontang.
- Butters: Yeah. I could use some goddamn
poontang myself right now.
- Butters: You know, you can call a shovel an
ice-cream machine, but it's still a shovel, Mom and Dad. Ah, and
you can call a lie whatever you want, but it's still a no-good
stinking lie!
- Gary Condit, O.J. Simpson, and the Ramseys:
One of us, One of us, Gooble Gobble, Gooble Gobble, One of
us!"
- Chris Stotch: And so the people we owe the
biggest apology to are the Ramseys, Congressman Condit, and O.J. We gave you false hope for finding
the person who hurt those close to you, and we're sorry. Now we're
just happy we won't have to live a life of secrets. For I knew that
even though some of you supported us, some others were looking at
me and thinking, "You're a liar! You're a liar!"
[points at the crowd, and Condit's fixed-grin face is
shown] "You know something that you're not telling us, you
slimy scumbag liar!" [back to Chris] You know, that's
what people would say to me. And then people would see my wife at
the supermarket and they would say "Hello," but they'd be thinking,
"Ah, there goes that murderer!" [a shot of O.J.]
"You got away with murder, you murdering, lying waste of
life!" [back to Chris] And to me, people might say
things like, [a shot of Condit] "Liar! Tell us what
you know, you goddamned liar!" [back to Chris] And
so, to both of us, people all over town would be saying things
like, [a shot of the Ramseys] "You know goddamn well
what happened to your kid, so stop acting like victims, and
confess, you murdering murderers!" [a shot of O.J.]
"Confess!" [a shot of Condit] "Liar!
Confess!!" [back to Chris] You know, and, that's what
people would be saying to us, and so, we just had to come forward
and tell the truth.
- Butters: Oh well, when I get a chipotle
bleu-cheese bacon burger at Bennigan's, I forget all
about my dad being queer and my mom trying to kill me. I'm gonna be
OK.
- Stan: Really?
- Butters: No, I'm lying.
Season 6
- Cartman: I can't lose weight, Butters, because
I'm not fat, I'm big-boned. You can't slim down bones, stupid!
- Cartman: Dammit Butters! Keep eating, or else
I'll kick your ass till you're deader than Kenny!
- Stan: Dude, that isn't cool. You shouldn't
joke about Kenny being dead. Enough time hasn't passed.
- Cartman: How long do we have to wait before we
can joke about it?
- Stan: 22.3 years.
- Cartman: Damn, that's a long time to
wait.
- Chris Stotch: Butters! Are you having
liposuction surgery? Tell me the truth.
- Butters: Yes, sir.
- Linda Stotch: This is unbelievable! How many
times have we told you never to have self-performed liposuction
surgery in our house?
- Butters: Four times, Mom.
- Chris Stotch: Well, I guess that wasn't
enough! You get up to your room right now, mister!
- Chris Stotch: I'm just checking in on you,
Butters. Do I hear the television? We told you no television while
you're grounded!
- Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Oh,
gee whiz, I'm not watchin' television, Dad. I'm just layin' around
jackin it.
- Chris Stotch: Jacking it? Jacking what?
- Cartman: [impersonating Butters]
Well, my hot, spicy boner, of course, Dad.
- Chris Stotch: What?! Are you trying
to get yourself in more trouble with that kind of language?
- Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Aw,
loosen up, you bloody vaginal belch.
- Chris Stotch: Oh! You are gonna get
it, mister! You just wait till I get home!
- Cartman: [impersonating Butters]
Bring it on, queer-bait.
- Mr. Garrison: There he is, beatin' that dead
horse!
- Linda Stotch: Butters, your father called and
said you made him very upset.
- Cartman: [impersonating Butters]
Yeah, well, uh, Dad's bein' a little pussy, Mom.
- Linda Stotch: Butters, where did you get that
kind of smart mouth?
- Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Uh,
not from you dumb-asses, that's for sure.
- Linda Stotch: Oh! You just wait till I get
home, mister!
- Cartman: [impersonating Butters] I'll
be waiting with bells on you, you old. horse-bangin' skank.
- Butters: Guys, I can't eat no more. I just
keep on pukin' it up.
- Cartman: Then eat your puke!
- Butters: No!
- Cartman: C'mon, Japanese girls do it!
- Thumper: [motioning to Butters'
"Shitler"] Hey, little dude, you got some crap right
here.
- Butters: [unaware he does have feces on
his face] Why that's my face, sir.
- Thumper: We're gonna take it slow, take it
easy, make sure everybody has a goood time. 'Cause what is skiing
about? Having a good--? [puts his left hand to his ear, hoping for
an answer. The boys just look at him] Time, that's right. Now, just
a few safety things to keep in mind: First of all, look straight
ahead when you ski. You look down, you're gonna fall, you're gonna
have a bad time. Also, be aware of skiers around you. You run into
another skier, your skis are gonna cross, gonna have a bad
time.
- Tad: What's your name, hot shot?
- Stan: Stan. Marsh.
- Tad: Stan Marsh? [laughs] Stan
Darsh is more like it.
- Cartman: Hey you guys, Butters is asleep.
- Stan: He's such a douche-bag.
- Cartman: Have you seen this trick? When
someone's sleeping, you can take a glass of warm water, and when
you put their hand in it…
- Stan: And then what?
- Cartman: …and then you pee on them!
- [Cartman starts peeing on Butters.]
- Kyle: No dude! You're supposed to put their
hand in warm water to make THEM pee!
- Cartman: Oh really? Oh well.
- [Cartman continues peeing on Butters.]
- Kyle: Stan, you can't let that Tad guy get to
you, screw him, dude.
- Stan: Dude, I have to… he's got Heather!
- [silence]
- Kyle: You don't even know Heather!
- Stan: I know, I know, but I have to do this.
I'm not going to die, I mean how bad could the K-13 be?
- [An old man walks into the shot.]
- Old Man: The K-13? You don't want to go down
that run. That run's got a history. Thirty-five people have died
goin' down it and some say you can still see their ghosts up there.
I was on that very ski run and then a group of students were killed
by a wolf-boy who escaped from the mental institution. You see,
that ski run was once a burial ground to a tribe of vampire
witchikah Indians who ate the flesh of children with no eyes… Yap,
lot of history on that ski run.
- [silence]
- Stan: Thank you.
- Old Man: Yap.
- Kyle: This is terrible, dude. Maury Povich
parades these poor people around on his show like carnival freaks
and then gives them prizes at the end as if to justify it. What a
dick!
- Cartman: [to Butters] That's awesome,
Kenny!
- Butters: Now gosh darn it fellas…my name's not
Kenny…Kenny's dead!
- Cartman: Oh yeah? I run with 12 gangs, and we
only commit hate crimes. What-evah--I do what I want!
- Man with Terrible Skin Condition: The first
group will be lead by Incredibly Obese Black Man.
- Large-Sized African-American Freak: Excuse me,
I'm not Incredibly Obese Black Man. I'm incredibly Black Obese
Man.
- Man with Terrible Skin Condition: Oh right, my
bad.
- Butters: I've got to get back to my
family.
- Man with Terrible Skin Condition: We're your
family too, Napoleon. We're like you. When we look at you, we don't
even see the testicles on your chin, we see the testicles in your
heart.
- Unlabeled Freak: Sure, everyone in this great
country of ours is a freak, but true, physically deformed freaks
must be recognized, for it's these real freaks that make you all
feel better about yourselves for not being one.
- Audience Member: They're right. We should have
never crossed that picket line. [Rest of audience agrees with him
and they all begin to leave the set]
- Maury Povich: Wait, wait, come back. Maybe we
can get the other out- of-control kids to take off their clothes
too.
- Cartman: What-evah, I'll crap in Maury's
pants!
- Cartman: I was once involved in a drive-by
shooting! What-evah, I do what I want!
- Out-of-Control Teen: You ain't bad, you ain't
nuthin'! I ditch class to go shoot heroin in the school
bathroom
- Cartman: I'm so bad I ran for Congress and
won! Then I had sex with an intern, killed her, then hid her body!
What-evah, I do what I want!
- Cartman: I'm so bad I digitally put Jabba the
Hut back in the original Star Wars movie! What-evah, I do what I
want!
- Maury Povich: Wow! That is out of
control!
- Vanessa: (after being booed by the audience)
Whateva! Whateva! You fucking cocksuckers don't know shit! Fuck
you!
- [Stan and Kyle are banging on Cartman's window.]
- Stan: Pssst, Cartman.
- Cartman: [in his sleep] No, Uncle
Jesse, no!
- Stan: Cartman, wake up!
- Cartman:: What the hell are you guys
doing?
- Kyle: C'mon, we gotta go.
- Cartman: Where're we going?
- Stan: We're gonna go save the baby cows,
fat-ass.
- Cartman: What? Why?
- Kyle: 'Cause they're gonna get slaughtered
tomorrow, butthole.
- Cartman: So…
- Stan: We can't let them die, douchebag. You're
our friend.
- Cartman: Well, let's see. In the last 3.2
seconds you've called me fatass, butthole and douchebag. I don't
feel like you guys are friends.
- Butters: But, Stan, you said we're just using
him so you can get his Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering
playset!
- Cartman: Aha, aha! You do need me and my
Mission Impossible playset!
- Stan: Yes we do!
- Cartman: OK, I'll go, if Kyle will kiss my
black ass. (Lowers pants to show his butt.)
- Kyle: No!
- Stan: Just do it, dude
- Cartman: (After farting in Kyle's face)
A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
- Kyle: Sick, dude! I felt it on my face!
- Stan: Now will you help us?
- Cartman: Ha, screw that. I'm not going.
- [Kyle screams and jumps on Cartman]
- Randy Marsh: We gave those kids everything and
they turned into little John Walkers!
- Cartman: [to a baby cow] Go ahead,
that's more for us. You want some beef jerky, buddy? Yes, who's the
buddy? Who's hungry? Who's the hungry man?
- Kyle: Dude, that's messed up!
- [Cartman is talking to an FBI negotiator.]
- Cartman: We'll give you one calf, if you give
us…some guns and ammunition of our own!
- Glen Dumont: What?! I--I can't do that!
- Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were
talkin' here, but I guess you're not talkin' to me. Goodbye.
- Glen: No, no wait, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
Yuh, you're right. What reason do you have to trust me? I'm just a
guy from Lakewood trying to make ends meet, you know? Just a
blue-collar guy like your dad.
- Cartman: Don't have a dad, Mike. That's not
gonna work.
- [The phone rings; Cartman picks up.]
- Cartman: Mike.
- Mike: How we doing?
- Cartman: We got a sick kid here, Mike. Did you
get the other things?
- Mike: Well, I did manage to get the FDA to
officially change "veal" to "tortured baby cow," but I couldn't get
North or South Dakota.
- Cartman: O Mike, you're breaking my
balls!
- FBI Leader: All right that's it. You are in
fact the worst negotiator I've ever seen in action.
- Mike: All right I'll give you that. But in
exchange I want 3 staples.
- FBI Leader: Get the hell out of here!
- Cartman: What are you waiting for? Go kill
them, Worf!
- Michael Dorn: I'm not killing
anybody!
- Cartman: Ugh! Some goddamned Klingon you are!
- Doctor: You see these sores are all tiny
vaginas. If he had stopped eating meat completely, he would've
turned into one giant pussy.
- Barkeep: Look, this is a bar! We can't have
children in here. People come here for debauchery and sin!
- Cartman: Butters will give handjobs in the
corner for a dollar.
- Butters: Well sure! I'm good at all kinds of
jobs.
- Kyle: Oh Jesus! Now where do we go??
- Stan: We've tried everywhere! Butters, are you
absolutely sure we can't go to your house??
- Butters: I'm sure! There's no way!
- Kyle: Uh, why not?!
- Butters: Uh, because! Uh my parents are out of
town, and I don't have a babysitter.
- Cartman: [glares at Butters] Oh,
goddammit, you better be kidding!
- Butters: No, I really don't have a
babysitter.
- Russell Crowe: Well, we found out that I
couldn't actually fight cancer, but we did find a person with
cancer. [brings out a sickly cancer patient and begins beating him
severely] Come on, cancer, ya pussy! Is that all you got?!
- Russell Crowe: My fightin's poetry! You
don't edit Russell Crowe's poetry, ya testicle! (Beats up the
editor)
- Chef: Hello, is this customer service? I'm
having a problem with my new television: it's sprouted laser guns
and started walking around shooting people.
[Butters gets fired]
- Cartman: I'm afraid we gonna have to let you
go...as our friend. You're just too...
- Kyle: Lame.
- Cartman: Lame, yes.
- Butters: But I can get better!
- Stan: Butters, you just don't really fit in
with us here. We think it's best for all of us if you look for
friendship opportunities elsewhere.
- Kyle: But we certainly wanna thank you for all
your hard work in the attempts to be our friend. Lame as they
were.
- Towelie: Well, I really hope I win
'cause...Wait, what is this again? Oh man, I have no idea what's
goin' on.
- Pip: Can I have some tea, please?
- Cartman: You don't drink tea in a ballpark,
you French piece of crap!
- Pip: Oh, very well. Just some crumpets,
then.
- General Disarray: Simpsons did it! Simpsons
did it!
- Kyle: I told you, Cartman.
- Cartman: Oh, shut up, Kyle! Shut your
goddamn Jew mouth! You people are why there's war in the Middle
East! And you, Tweek, why don't you learn to button your shirt
right, for once?! You're as bad as Stan with his stupid girlfriend,
always spending time with her! God, I hate you guys!!
- Cartman: [explaining where he obtained the
"sea men" for his aquarium] Yeah, I bought all I could from
this bank…I got the rest from this guy named Ralph in an
alley--stupid asshole didn't even charge me, he just told me to
close my eyes and suck it out of a hose!
- Stan: Close your eyes and suck it out of a
hose?
- Cartman: Suck it out of a hose, yeah.
- Stan: Oh.
- Tweek: But, what if when I'm trying to put on
the nose, the snowman comes alive and tries to kill me?
- Stan: Tweek, when has that ever happened, except that one time?
- Chef:Oh, well, hello there, children.
- Stan:Chef, we did something kind of bad.
- Chef:Ohh, I'm sure your little cracker
problems ain't all that bad. Come on in. Now, just sit down and
take a deep breath and tell ol' Chef what's goin' on.
- Stan: We killed our teacher and they found our
seamen in her stomach.
- Chef: Oh, children, that's a problem we all
have to face at one time or another. Here: let me sing you a little
song that might cheer you up. Sometimes you kill your
teacher/And they find your semen in her stomach/And--wait!
What the--WHAT?!
- Stan: So what should we do?
- [Chef pushes the couch where the boys are sitting outside
and shuts the door.]
- Chef: Hello there, children.
- Stan: Chef, what would a priest want to stick
up my butt?
- Chef: Goodbye.
- Bishop: O Great Queen Spider, we wish to
change one of the Vatican laws.
- Queen Spider: No, the Vatican laws cannot be
changed, so sayeth the spider.
- Kyle: Cartman, that's the dumbest thing you've
ever said, (quick pause) this week.
- Sharon: So, what did you guys do with your day
off today?
- Stan: Cartman shoved food up his ass and
crapped out his mouth.
- Sharon: Stanley!
- Stan: He did!
- Randy: Stan, it doesn't work like that.
- Stan: Yes it does.
- Randy: No, it doesn't.
- Stan: Yeah, it does.
- Randy: (curiously looks at his
food)
- Priest: Father, uh, having sex with boys is
part of the Catholic priest's way of life.
- Cardinal: Well, what do you suggest we change,
Father Maxi?
- Father Maxi: Well, for one, no sex with
boys.
- Congregation: Aw-w-w-w-w-w!
Rabble-rabble-rabble!
- Father Maxi: Well, maybe we could change the
law to say that it's OK for a priest to have sex...with women.
- Congregation of Cardinals: Ah-h-h!
Rabble-rabble-rabble-rabble!
- Gilgamek Cardinal: The Gilgamek vagina is
three feet wide and filled with razor sharp teeth. Do you really
expect us to have sex with them?
- Father Maxi: Right, maybe we should forget
about the Gelgameks for right now.
- Gilgamek Cardinal: Forget about the
Gelgameks?!
- Gilgamek Cardinals: Ah-h-h!
Rabble-rabble-rabble-rabble!
- Announcer: Coming this summer...it's the
classic film that changed America...
[A trailer for the (real) re-release of E.T. the
Extra-Terrestrial starts playing]
- Announcer: All the E.T. effects have been
digitally upgraded.
- Announcer (as the US secret agents chase
the kids): All the guns have been digitally changed to
walkie-talkies.
- Announcer: And the word "TERRORIST" has been
changed to "HIPPIE."
- Stan (disappointed): Aw, dude, why
would they do that?
- Cartman: Yeah, a hippie and a terrorist is the
same thing.
- Kyle: No, dude, Spielberg changed terrorist to
hippie to make ET more PC.
- Stan: That's gay...
- Announcer: Coming this summer...it's the
motion picture that changed America...
[A trailer for the (fictional) "re-re-release" of Saving
Private Ryan starts playing]
- Announcer: The word "NAZI" has been changed to
"PERSONS WITH POLITICAL DIFFERENCES."
- Announcer: And all the guns have been replaced
by walkie-talkies.
[Shots of soldiers getting killed or crippled by walkie talkies'
shots]
[A banner shows up (and read by an announcer) before the airing
of the "re-re-re-release" of Star Wars Episode V: The Empire
Strikes Back]]
- Announcer: The word "WOOKIEE" has been changed
to "HAIR CHALLENGED ANIMAL" and the entire cast has been digitally
replaced by Ewoks.
[The kids ditch the theater in anger and try to get their money
back]
[On "EXCESS HOLLYWOOD"]
- Host: Well, the print is finished and the day
has come. Tonight Steven Spielberg and George Lucas will be at the
premiere of the new Special Edition of Raiders of the Lost
Ark. Lots of celebrity guests and other rich people will be on
hand to witness all the updated effects and modernized
technology.
- Cartman: Hit it, Tweek! [Tweek turns on
stereo that starts playing Carribbean music] (singing) In the
tropical isle with the coconut tree, there's a lots of--
- Stan: Wait wait wait wait wait. I thought we
were gonna cool his hot heart with a
cool island song.
- Cartman: No, he has an icy
heart.
- Kyle: But you can't melt ice with a
cool song, 'tardheart.
- Stan: So we have to warm his
icy heart with a hot island song.
- Cartman: But it's a cool island
song.
- Kyle: Well then we're gonna end up
freezing his hellish heart with a cool
island song.
- Cartman: Oh, do we wanna do that?
- George Lucas: ALL RIGHT, that does it!
- Man 1: Yeah... Maybe we could melt the
governor's icy heart with a cool island song!
- Members: Yeah!
- Tweek: No!
- Skeeter: No?
- Man 2: No! He's right. We have to
freeze his hot heart with a cool island
song.
- Woman: Or is it freshen his
hot temper with a cool island song?
- Man 3: Let's cool his hot
temper with a fresh island song.
- Man 4: That's it!
[Raiders of the Lost Ark's theme is played as
Spielberg, Lucas, Coppola, and their entourage walk across a desert
with the new print of Raiders of the Lost Ark inside an
ark, and the kids as their prisoners]
- Tweek (from atop a cliff looking down upon
the entourage in the canyon): Hello!
- Spielberg: The kid? The Tweeked-eye kid?!
- Tweek (leveling a bazooka): I'm gonna
blow up the print, Spielberg.
- Spielberg: Your persistence surprises even
me.
- Coppola: Surely you don't think you can escape
from this premiere.
- Tweek: That depends on how reasonable we're
all going to be. All I want are my friends.
- Cartman: Wow!
- Tweek: Except for Cartman. You can keep
him!
- Cartman: Hey!
- Coppola: And if we refuse?
- Tweek: Then your premiere has no movie.
- Spielberg (shoves his entourage away from
the ark): Yeah, OK, stand back, stand back, stand back, back.
OK, kid, you win. Blow it up.
- Spielberg (steals a walkie-talkie from one
of the men who attempts to guard the ark and holds the men
off): Drop! Drop!
- Spielberg: Blow it back to God. All your life
has been in persuit of seeing a great film. This new version of
Raiders has digital effects beyond your wildest dreams.
You want to see it screened just as much as I.
[Tweek struggles with himself as he comes to realize Spielberg
is right]
- Kyle: Come on, Tweek, blow it up!
- Spielberg: Son, we are simply passing through
history. This...is improved history.
[Everybody stare at Tweek]
- Spielberg (moves away from the ark):
Do as you will.
[Tweek gives up and lowers his bazooka. He's immediately
captured by walkie-talking-wielding men]
[The premiere of the new print of Raiders of the Lost
Ark is about to start. The imprisoned kids are chained to
polls in the back]
- Spielberg (wearing a priest's
clothes): "Afa Malefy!"
- Spielberg: Thanks for coming, everyone.
[Spielberg's men open the ark and present the new print to the
crowd]
- Spielberg: This is the birth of the new
version of Raiders of the Lost Ark. We shall screen it
here and then destroy all the old prints in celebration.
- Crowd: Hooray!
- Spielberg: Begin the film!
[The new print of Raiders of the Lost Ark stars
playing; the imprisoned kids are chained to polls in the back]
- Crowd: Wow!
- Stan: You guys, close your eyes. Don't look at
it!
- Tweek: What?!
- Stan: Don't watch the movie, guys, it will be
terrible! Close your eyes!
[The kids close their eyes]
- Crowd: Oh!
- Spielberg: It's beautiful!
[Indiana Jones reaches the temple at the beginning of the movie,
but is attacked by Ewoks instead of Native Americans]
- Crowd Member: Wait a minute, this version is
awful!
- Another Crowd Member: Yeah, they ruined
it!
- Yet Another Crowd Member: Oh my God, it's
terrible!
[Suddenly Lucas, Coppola, and Spielberg start screaming and the
movie starts shooting rays at the crowd, killing all of them. Then
the faces of Lucas, Coppola, and Spielberg melt or explode.
Finally, the print throws itself back into the ark and closes it.
Just then the kids open their eyes]
- Stan: Yeah, you guys OK?
- Kyle: Yeah, I think so.
- Cartman (observing the dead bodies
everywhere): Man, that new version must have sucked
balls.
- Tweek: The original prints of Raiders of
the Lost Ark. What if somebody else takes them and tries to
change them?
- Stan: Don't worry, Tweek, it's somewhere safe.
Somewhere where...nobody will ever find them.
[The episode ends as we see an old man placing the original
prints inside a box, which he then places inside a warehouse for
9/11 relief funds]
- Tweek: I'm gonna blow up the print,
Spielberg!
- Spielberg: Your pesistence surprises even
me.
- Coppola: Surely you don't think you can escape
from this premiere.
- Tweek: That depends on how reasonable we're
all willing to be. All I want are my friends.
- Cartman: Wow.
- Tweek: Except for Cartman--you can keep
him.
- Cartman: EY!
- Cartman: I wanna pla-a-a-a-a-a-a-y!
- Bebe's Mother: Part of being a woman is having
a friend one day and calling her a slut the next.
- Bebe: Mom, what's six times eight?
- Bebe's Mother: Oh sweetie, those are two
completely different numbers.
- Bebe: Having boobs sucks.
- Wendy: Slut! *cough cough* Slut!
- Butters: Eew! They're all hard and oogy!
- Cartman: [the boys are discussing who to kick
out of their group] So Kyle, I want to tell you it's been very fun
and we're gonna miss you.
- Kyle: Me?! But I've been here from
the beginning.
- Cartman: And it's sad to see you go. Maybe you
can make friends with the kids down the road. (Pulls out 2
containers containing a watch and peanuts) Here's a watch and some
peanuts. Three cheers for Kyle! Hip hip...
- Stan: (angrily) Dude, we're not
kicking Kyle out.
- Cartman: [whining] Pleeeeeeease?
- Stan: No.
- Cartman: All right, then I guess we have no
choice--(turns to Tweek) but to let you go, Tweek, I want to say
you've been great filling in as a fourth friend and we're gonna
miss you. (moves the watch and peanuts to Tweek's side) Here's a
watch and some peanuts.
- Kyle: No way, dude, Tweek's cool.
- Stan: Yeah!
- Cartman: Well, dumb-asses, how are we gonna
make room for Bebe?
- (The next day)
- Bebe: Thanks for inviting me to ride the bus
with you this morning.
- Cartman: (furiously, as he's obviously
been kicked out of the group) Oh, that's fine! That's fine! Fuck
you, Kyle, and fuck you, Stan! (walks away, then comes back) Fuck
you, Tweek! ( walks offstage, then comes back) Bebe, you're
still cool. (walks off, seething)
- Cartman: What a stupid bitch.
[The boys are standing at the bus stop with their parents right
behind them]
- Stan: Dude. This is worse than
ChildTracker.
- Mr. Tweek: It's OK, boys, just act as if we
weren't here.
- Mrs. Marsh: Right, do what you would normally
do.
- Kyle: (awkwardly) You're such a fatass,
Cartman.
- Cartman: (just as awkwardly) At least I'm not
a stupid Jew.
- Sheila: What-what-what?!
- Mr. Mackey: Now, who can tell me when the
first moon landing took place? Uh, how about you, Clyde?
- Clyde's Dad: Nineteen-sixty--
- Mr. Mackey: No helping!
- Mr. Mackey: I'm not really sure having all the
parents here is a good idea, m'kay?
- Mr. Tweek: Well, maybe things would be better
if we could trust people like the Stotches!
- Chris Stotch: Us? Your family's
always been the shifty-eyed ones!
- Mr. Tweek: Oh yeah? [all the parents
argue]
- Tuong Lu Kim: Goddamn Mongorians! Stop tearing
down my shitty wall!
- Tuong Lu Kim: Oh, I get it. Just because I
Chinese, you think I build wall? That i' bullshit! I'm not
stereotype, OK?! Just because I'm Chinese doesn't mean I go around
building wall! I'm just a normal person rike all o'you! I eat
ahrice and drive ahreary srow, just rike the rest o'you! I'm not
stereotype!
- Tuong Lu Kim:When those Mongorians come next
time, I pour this sweet and sour pork on their heads. Ha ha, sweet
and sour pork so hot and sticky, Mongorians stick ahright up to the
wall! And scream "Uh-wo-o-o!" Oh I can't wait.
- Parents: [in protest] Rabble, rabble,
rabble, rabble!
- Mr. Mackey: Mom, Dad, could you please leave
me alone?
- Mr. Mackey's Dad: We just want to make sure no
one hurts you, Junior, m'kay?
- Mr. Mackey: M'kay.
- News Reporter: And so the residents of
Manhattan are prepared to evacuate if Ms. Clinton's ass gets any
bigger.
- Stan:: [After their parents send them to
live outside of South Park] Dude, sometimes I think our
parents are really stupid.
- Stan:: [muttering] Jesus Christ. They've done
some stupid crap before, but...Jesus Christ!
- Mr. Garrison: [nonchalantly] A ladder to
heaven? That's fucking stupid.
- Reporter: Do you believe in the ladder to
heaven?
- Fat Man: If heaven is an 8-year-old boy and
the ladder is my penis--[the cameraman steers away, but the fat
man tries to get back on screen]--and the pearly gates are
the--[static]
- Fat Man: If heaven is an 8-year-old boy and my
penis were the United States [cameraman steers away]-hard
nipples! [cut to anchor]
- Anchor: Damn it. [holds up static screen
and imitates static]
- Kyle: Dude, what the hell's wrong with
you?
- Cartman: I don't know! It's like my brain just
keeps...jacking off.
- Kyle: Maybe you've got brain cancer.
- Cartman: You think?!
- Stan: Don't get cancer on the ladder, Cartman!
You're gonna fall off and break it.
- Alan Jackson:
- Where were you when they built the ladder to heaven?
- Did it make you feel like cryin'
- Or did you think it was kinda gay?
- Well I, for one, believe in the ladder to heaven.
- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah… 9/11.
- I said 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, Ni-hi, hi-hine…
- …Eleven.
- Alan Jackson: (in voice more high-pitched than
his singing voice) You little bastards ruined my latest song!
[smashes guitar]
- [During flashback.]
- Cartman(singing): In the ghetto, in the
ghetto. He's a boy wearing orange who's losing his pride, 'cause
Kenny and his whole family reside in the ghetto, in the
ghetto.
- Kenny: Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching
vagina!
- Cartman: What did you say?!
- Kenny: I said, shut up, Cartman, you
blood-belching vagina!
- Cartman: What did you say?!
- [After flashback.]
- Cartman: Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching
vagina! [comes to] Did I just call myself a blood-belching
vagina?
- Cartman: Maybe the reason we're not getting to
heaven is because one of us is a J-O-O.
- Kyle: What does my being Jewish have to do
with us not getting into heaven?
- Cartman: I've never heard the words "only" and
"candy" in the same sentence before.
- [The South Parkers are role-playing "Lord of the Rings" as
they walk down a street. They pass another group of
kids.]
- Kid 1: I shall put a magic spell on you!
- Kid 2: I blocked your spell, wizard.
- Kyle: Hey, what are you guys doing?
- Kid 1: We're playing Harry Potter!
- [Slight pause]
- Cartman: HA! Fags!
- Gerald Broflovski and Chris Stotch:
Backdoor Sluts 9?!?!
- Linda Stotch: What's that?
- Chris: Honey, Backdoor Sluts 9 makes
Crotch Capers 3 look like Naughty Nurses 2!
- Gerald: It is the single most disgusting,
twisted piece of porn ever made.
- Sheila Broflovski: [lightly slapping Gerald]
And how would you know?
- Gerald: I...uh... read about it in
People.
- Mr. Black: All right, Token, we know you must
be very confused about what you saw.
- Randy Marsh: Yes, uh, you see, Token, that was
called a pornographic film. It shows adult men and adult women
having sexual intercourse. Well, you, you see, when a man and a
woman fall in love, the man puts his penis in the woman's vagina.
It's called lovemaking and it's part of being in love.
- Token: And when the woman has four penises in
her at the same time, then stands over the men and pees on them, is
that part of being in love, too? Five midgets, spanking a man
covered in Thousand Island dressing...is that making love?
- Mr. Black: Jesus, what kind of porno was
that?
- Jimmy: (To advancing 6th-graders) YOU SHALL
NOT PAAAHHH.... YOU SHALL NOT PPPPAA....YOU SHALL NOT P...(He gets
run over.)...p...p...pass.
- Cartman: Go ahead and play Harry Butthole
Pussy Potter!
- Mr. Garrison: I was informed that
fourth-graders are a little too old for Mr. Hat.
- Kyle: TWO-year-olds are too old for Mr.
Hat!
- Mr. Garrison: But it's OK because I found a
new teacher's assistant. Say hello to...Mr. Slave.
- Mr. Slave: Hi kids. Hm.
- Mr. Garrison: So that's Mr. Slave. The
teacher's assistant. Or, as I like to write for short, the
Teacher's Ass.
- Cartman: (whispering to Craig) Yo, I think
that Mr. Slave guy's a...Pakistani.
- Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just throw a paper
airplane?
- Cartman: No, it was Kenny!
- Mr. Garrison: Very funny, Eric. Kenny's
dead!
- Cartman: I'm not fat, I have a different life
choice.
- Mr. Garrison: Say, Mr Slave...
- Mr. Slave: Yes, Mr Garrison?
- Mr. Garrison: I had a dream last night that
you were a real dick.
- Mr. Slave: Really? Why would you dream that I
was being an asshole?
- Mr. Garrison: No, no. I was the
asshole.
(school board start applauding, muttering how courageous he is,
while the parents exchange shocked and horrified glances)
- Mr Garrison: (slightly non-plussed) Uh, I'm
very happy to receive this award, but you know what makes me even
happier? Sucking balls.
(school board applaud again)
- Mr Garrison: (whispering to Mr. Slave) It's
not working. Sing your song, Mr. Slave...
- Mr Slave: (singing) I've got a little (stops
singing) ooh, ooh ow, Jesus Christ, what the hell's happening in
there?
(In Mr. Slave's stomach)
- Frog King: (to Lemmiwinks, who's on a
gyroscope) Hang on, Lemmiwinks! You solved the Catata Fish's
riddle, now your trials are nearly through!
(back up top)
- Mr Slave: Aagh! I should never have
shoved those poor animals up my ass! (school board applaud
again)
- School Board Member: Courageous.
- Another School Board Member: So
courageous.
- Mr Garrison: (finally losing his temper)
Goddammit, don't you people get it?! I'm trying to get fired
here!!
- Cartman: I'll take three lunches today,
please.
- Chef: You don't need three lunches, Eric!
You're fat enough as it is!
- Cartman: It is my life choice, Chef, and if
you don't tolerate it I'll report you to the SEC.
- Cartman: Tolerance kicks ass!
- [Everyone laughs.]
- Randy Marsh: That's our Cartman.
- Mr. Slave: [lisping] Oh Jesuth
Chrith!
- Tour Guide: Now, you boys have probably called
this young man names like "tubby" or "lardbutt" or "fat
tits"--
- Kyle: Ooh, fat tits, that's a good one.
- Stan: Yeah, we'll have to remember that.
- TV Announcer: Rob Schneider derp de derp. Derp
de derpity derpie derp. Until one day, a-derp a-derp a-derp a-derp.
Derp de derp, de tittaly tum. From the creators of "DER" and "TUM
TA TITTALY TUM TA TOO", Rob Schneider is: "DA DERP DEE DERP DA
TEETLEY DERPEE DERPEE DUMB." Rated PG-13.
- John Edward: But, I'm a psychic.
- Stan: No, dude. You're a douche.
- John Edward: I'm not a douche. What if I
really believed dead people talk to me?
- Stan: Then, you're a stupid douche.
- John Edward: I think I've had enough of your
bullying me. Get out of my house or I'll run upstairs, lock myself
in my panic room and call the police.
- Stan: I'm 9 years old.
- John Edward: I'm not talking to your friend
and I'm not a douche! [runs upstairs] You better get out of my
house or I'm gonna call the police!
- Stan: You are so a douche! I'm nominating you
for the Biggest Douche in the Universe award, you douche!
- John Edward: You better not call me a liar, a
fake, or a douche, or else I'll sue you for slander!
- Stan: I am saying this to you, John Edward.
You are a liar. You are a fake. And you are the biggest douche
ever.
- John Edward: Everything I tell people is
positive and gives them hope! How does that make me a douche?
- Stan: Because the big questions in life are
tough! "Why are we here?" "Where are we from?" "Where are we
going?" But as long as people believe in asshole douchey liars like
you, we're never going to find the answers to those questions. You
aren't just lying, you're slowing down the progress of all mankind,
you douche!
- TV Announcer: Rob Schneider was an animal.
Then he was a woman. And now Rob Schneider is a stapler! And he's
about to find out that being a stapler is harder than it looks. Rob
Schneider is "The Stapler". Rated PG-13.
- John Edward: Now I'm hearing a P-word, maybe a
Per.
- Woman: My Harry died last year.
- John Edward: Oh, it's coming from here, I'm
getting all kinds of voices today, whoo!
- John Edward: Now Harry, he's telling me, oh,
well he's telling me you two used to do things
- Woman: (nods)
- John Edward: And that those things involved
stuff?
- Woman: They did involve stuff, yes!
- Audience: Ah, yes!
- TV Announcer: Rob Schneider is a Wall Street
executive who has everything going for him. Only problem is, he's
about to become a carrot!
- Rob Schneider: I'm a carrot!
- TV Announcer: It's 24-"carrot" comedy! Rob
Schneider is "A Carrot"! Rated PG-13.
- TV Announcer: Rob Schneider is a somewhat
popular comedic actor, who seemed to have it all. Until one day, he
came across a pot roast *record scratch* and his life changed
forever. Now, he's sharing his body with an 8-year-old boy! And
he's about to find out that being 8 ain't so great. Rob Schneider
is "Kenny!" Rated PG-13.
- Chef's Dad: {in the middle of exorcising Kenny
from Cartman} Goddammit! The spirit's out and it don't have nowhere
to go!
- Chef's Mom: Lord, Thomas! Don't let it get on
the curtains!
- Cartman: Hey, guys! How's it goin'?
- Chef: Cartman?
- Stan: No, that's Kenny.
- Cartman: What the hell are you assholes doing
here?
- Stan: That's Cartman.
- Chef's Dad: Well, I guess the child's a pot
roast now.
- [After watching a Rob Schneider trailer]
Stan and Kyle: Weak!!
Cartman: (laughing) That was Kenny laughing,
not me.
- [Leaving a John Edward show]
- Chef: Man, I can't believe I got fooled by
that asshole!
- Stan: He seemed a lot better on TV?
- Chef: ...Yeah.
- Butters: Wait right here, Stan, I warn you,
you may not like what you see.
- [Butters goes into the closet.]
- Stan: We have to teach our parents a lesson.
Show them they can't play with our emotions like that.
- [Butters comes out of the closet, dressed as Professor
Chaos]
- Butters: Hahahahahahaaa!!. Now you know my
terrible secret!!.
- Stan: You're gay? It's fine if you're gay,
Butters, I don't care.
- Butters: Huh? No, I'm Professor Chaos!
- Butters: Ooh, are we off on an adventure?
- Cartman: Oh, wow, really? That's so awesome.
Now I'll really work to be successful!
- Future Cartman: Right on!
- Cartman: Go have sex with yourself, asshole!
I'm not that stupid! Just for that, I'm gonna spend my whole
childhood eating what I want, and doing drugs when I want!
What-evah, I'll do what I want!
- [The future Cartman turns into a fat mechanic.]
- Future Cartman: Goddammit!!!
- Cartman: Have you seen the poop swatches?
- Butters: All he ever does is watch "Becker,"
and that show is so stupid.
- Stan: I've been told a lot of things about
pot, but I've come to find out a lot of those things aren't true!
So I don't know what to believe!
- Randy: Well, Stan, the truth is marijuana
probably isn't gonna make you kill people, and...it most likely
isn't gonna fund terrorism, but...Well, son, pot makes you feel
fine with being bored and...It's when you're bored that you should
be learning some new skill or discovering some new science
or...being creative. If you smoke pot you may grow up to find out
that you aren't good at anything!
- Stan: I really, really wish you just
would have told me that from the beginning!
- Cartman: Isn't there anything I can do?!
- Kyle 2: If you cured cancer and AIDS
next week, you would still owe two presents.
- Carman: Jesus Christ!
- [Jesus hands up, is talking to two Iraqis]
- Jesus: Yea, look upon me and know me. My
children, you should know something.
- [A knife comes out of Jesus's sleeve.]
- Jesus: I'm packing!
- [Jesus stabs one Iraqi with the knife with one hand and
kills the other with a silenced handgun.]
- Santa: [to an Iraqi] I'm gonna
fucking kill you!
- Iraqi: You're not in the position to kill
anyone. I just want you to tell me America's plan.
- Santa: Then we're in for a long night, 'cause
I don't know shit!
- Santa: I just couldn't do it. (camera flashes
onto dead Iraqi) I couldn't let him live. He shocked Santa's
balls!
- Santa: Christmas is a very special time of
year, but this year it almost didn't happen. There's a man named
Jesus who gave his life to save me. And so I declare that every
year on Christmas Day. we should remember Jesus for what he did,
and thank him for it. From now on, Christmas will be a day for
remembering a brave man named Jesus.
- [Kenny reappears after being dead for the whole sixth
season]
- Kenny: Hey, guys what's going on?
- Stan: Oh, hey, Kenny.
- Kyle: Hey, dude, where have you been?
- Kenny: Over there...(points to his right)
Season 7
- [breaking the fourth wall during a
performance of "I'm A Little Bit
Country"]
- Randy: Well, goodnight everybody. It sure has
been great bringing you a hundred episodes.
- Skeeter: We want to thank our guests, the
pro-war people and the anti-war people.
- Stan: What the hell are they doing now?
- Kyle: [.facepalming.] Ah, I don't
know.
- Everybody: For the war, against, the war, who
cares!? One hundred episodes! [Randy and
Skeeter dance on stage as they finish the song]
- Kyle: I hate this town. I really, really
do.
- Jimmy: Look! My gang, which I can't talk about
because it's super secret, is the most important thing to me now!
And if you two don't like it, you can just pass the blunt to the
nigga on your left.
- TV reporter:"...if irony were made of
strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right
now."
- Grocery Clerk: You know, son, I remember you
coming in last week and buying this much toilet paper.
- Cartman: Oh yeah, that's right.
- Grocery Clerk: Toilet paper, toilet
paper...
- Kyle: You TP'd a house last week,
Cartman?
- Cartman: No, last Thursday night was Fajitas
night.
- Kyle: Oh… ewww!
- Cartman: (After luring Kyle onto a boat
with him and rowing them to the middle of a pond, Cartman sneaks up
behind Kyle and hits him in the head with a wiffle bat. It bounces
off his hat.)
- Kyle: Ow! What the hell are you doing,
Cartman?
- Cartman: I'm killing you. Unfortunately I
could only afford a wiffle bat so this may take a while. (hits
him again.)
- Josh: Tell me something first. When you went
to the academy you had something to prove—you wanted to protect and
serve but mostly you just wanted to protect yourself. Who were you
protecting yourself from, Officer Barbrady?
- Officer Barbrady: Alright! Alright! My uncle
Charles used to hit me with a belt!
- Guard: Josh, were you doing the silly voice
for the policeman again?
- Josh: [in a normal, high-pitched
voice] No sir.
- Josh: Your uncle who hit you with a belt, was
he a large man?
- Officer Barbrady: I don't have time for this,
kid.
- Josh: Did he stink like beer when he came home
from work, all tired from playin' down at the pool house?
- Officer Barbrady: All right, all right! My dad
dressed me up like a little girl on poker nights and made me sit on
all my uncles' laps!! [breaks down into sobs]
- Josh: [in a normal voice] ...Whoa.
Er...oh. Thank you.
- Principal Victoria: Will you people stop
barging into my office, please?
- Josh: What's the matter Principal Victoria?
Was your mother abusive? Did she spank your thighs with cold cuts
and stick umbrellas up your ass?
- Stan: You'd better go over our story again so
we don't screw it up
- Cartman: Okay, last night all four of us were
at the bowling alley until about 7:30 at which time we noticed Ally
Sheedy the goth chick from The Breakfast Club who was bowling in
the lane next to us when we asked her for her autograph but she
didn't have a pen so we followed her out to her car but on the way
we were accosted by five Scientologists who wanted to give us all
personality tests which were administered at the Scientology Center
in Denver until 10:45 at which time we accidentally boarded the
wrong bus home and ended up in Ranchas des Fritas Rojes South of
Castle Rock and finally got a ride home from a man who was missing
his left index finger named Gary Bushwell arriving home at
11:46.
- Kyle: I'm confused; did Ally Sheedy take the
personality test?
- Stan: Yes, dude!
- All:[singing] School Days, School Days,
Teachers Golden Rule Da-
- [Ike hops onscreen.]
- Kyle: Aw, damn it!
- Stan: What?
- Kyle: My god damn brother is trying to follow
me to school again!
- Ike: Suck my balls.
- Kyle: No Ike, you can't come to school with
me.
- Cartman: Yeah, go home, you little dildo!
- Kyle: Dude, for the last time, don't call my
brother a dildo!
- Cartman: Alright, go home, you little
semen-puking asshole dick head.
- [Stan, Kenny and Cartman laugh.]
- [Kyle picks up Ike and hits Cartman.]
- Stan: Dude! Sweet!
- Kyle: Yeah. Check it out! Ready, Ike? Kick the
baby!
- Ike: Don't kick the god damn baby!
- Kyle: Kick it!
- [Kyle kicks Ike.]
- Najix: Well, you don't think the whole
universe works the way Earth does, do you? No! One species, one
planet! There's a planet of deer, a planet of Asians, and so on! We
put them all together on Earth and the whole universe tunes in to
watch the fun!
- Joozian 2: You've made it to a hundred
episodes, you should be proud!
- Joozian 1: Yeah, a show should never go past a
hundred episodes, or else it starts to get stale with ridiculously
stupid plotlines and settings.
- Stan: Dude, I have no idea what we're seeing
right now, but I have a feeling it's really, really wrong.
- Joozian 1: Oh man, I can't believe I sucked
your jagon.
- Joozian 2: Oh God, we did suck each
others jagons!
- Chef: He's a doctor who specializes in your
asshole, children.
- Stan: You mean, at one point in this guy's
life, he decided he wanted to work up people's buttholes?
- Chef: That's right!
- Kyle: What a dick!
- Jennifer Lopez: How the fuck did I end up
working at a La Taco?! I had six platinum records and starred in
five Hollywood movies!
- Mexican Guy: Yeah, me too.
- Record Dude: She's from Mexico, just like
you.
- Jennifer Lopez: I ain't from no Mexico! I'm
Puerto Rican!
- Cartman: Mom-m-m, Ben Affleck is naked in my
bed!
- Cartman: Repeat after me, Jennifer Lopez.
- Ms. Lopez: Hennifer Lopez.
- Cartman: No no, Jeh.
- Ms. Lopez: Heh.
- Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez): You can suck my
culo, chica!
- Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez): Hola,
bichola!
- Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez): Ben! You
bought me roses!
- Ben Affleck: Jenny, oh Jenny, I just can't
stop thinking about you.
- Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez): I can't stop
thinking about you either Ben!
- Ben Affleck: I've been meaning to write a song
or a poem, but I have no talent.
- Kyle: Cartman, who in the world is Mitch
Conner?
- Cartman: Look, I don't care what you guys
believe. But with all the crazy stuff that goes on in this town,
isn't it possible, just possible, that something I don't understand
happened here?
- Kyle: All right, all right. I guess it's kind
of possible--
- Cartman: Ha ha ha! I got you, kind of! I got
you, kind of!
- [the boys unsuccessfully tried to bust men at a meth lab;
the men kill themseves and a lot of damage has been done]
- Lt. Dawson: One UPS vehicle valued at
twenty-five thousand dollars, one civilian vehicle valued at
sixteen thousand, the second floor of the post office and
a coffee shop valued at sixteen thousand! The mayor's gonna have my
ass!
- Stan: Uh, sir, we just kinda got blind-sided
by the--
- Dawson: You got careless! Now, I don't know
how they do things down at that dog-and-pony show they call the
fourth grade, but here, we have rules! Jesus, we don't have guys to
question now, because you killed them all!
- Kyle: We're sorry.
- Dawson: One more slip-up like that and I'll
have your badges! You hear me?! Now hit the showers!
- [the boys are in the locker room, preparing to shower. Four
guys, who appear to be cops themselves, are also changing their
clothes]
- Officer Murphy: Well, well, well, if it isn't
the super cops.
- [The officers begin to giggle]
- Officer Jenkins: Hey, Murphy, think they'll
let me borrow their G.I. Joes?
- Officer Hopkins: Come on, you guys. Leave them
alone.
- Officer Murphy: Relax, Hopkins! (He
removes his briefs and drops them to the ground) All fun and
games, right? (He moves to the end of the lockers and hides
behind it, only to peek out) So, tell us, rookies, you, uh,
find yourself a little bonus in that house?
- Cartman: Uh, bonus?
- Murphy: Come on, we all skim a little off the
top. Oh, or are you too good for that? (He walks back to the
other officers) So you think you're gonna waltz in here and
clean up the system. Is that it?
- Stan: [softly] We just wanna be
junior detectives.
- Murphy: Look, we all work hard! And
we deserve more than the thirty-thousand a year we get paid! So
what if we take in a little on the side?
- Officer Jenkins: Yeah! Who the hell are you to
say that?!
- Officer Hopkins: I said, back off,
Murphy!
- Officer Murphy: Why don't you and your rookie
friends make us?
- Officer Jenkins: That's right. Come on, bring
it!
- Officer 3: Yeah, let's go! Come on, bring
it!
- Lt. Dawson: What the hell is the problem
here?!
- Officer Murphy: No problem, sir. No problem at
all.
- Dawson: Then hit the showers, all of ya!
- Randy: Stanley, listen to me . I have SARS.
There's only a 98% percent chance that I will live.
- Stan: No Dad, No!
- Randy: Listen Stan! SARS is destroying our
people. The Native Americans put it in the blankets they gave us.
Soon there will be only 98% of us left.
- Randy: The spirit of middle-class white people
is strong in you, son.
- Randy: There's more to life than profits.
- Indian Chief: Really, Like what?
- Randy: You know, like Slurpees and stuff.
- Randy: Ah women. God I hate them.
- Cartman: Man, Indians have it good, huh?
- Randy: Now Eric, they're called Native
Americans, remember? Show some respect.
- indian chief. sorry there are no minors
allowed on the casino floor.
- cartman. im not a miner dumbass, do you see a
shovel in my hand?
- Cartman: Oh please, Craig, we're 10 times
gayer than you are!
- Cartman: Look, guys. A lot of the kids in
school are talking and they are spreading rumors that we're not
metro-sexuals because we hang out with Kyle.
- Stan: Well what can we do about it?
- Cartman: We have no choice guys. We're just
going to have to kill Kyle.
- Mr. Garrison:Eric, you're not half bi.
- Cartman: I'm like a quarter bi. My grandpa was
bi so that makes me a quarter bi.
- Mr. Garrison: What?!
- Mr. Garrison: Mr. Tweek, why don't we go back
to my place.
- Mr. Tweek: Why?
- Mr. Garrison: Well, you know. I was just
thinking we could put on some music and watch videos and pound Mr.
Slave's tight little ass.
- Mr. Slave: Oooh. Jesus Christ!
- Mr. Tweek: Whoa! Goodness no. I'm
straight.
- Mr. Garrison: Straight? What the hell is going
on here? Why won't anybody pound Mr. Slave's butt?
- Randy: Well, we don't 'pound butt', Mr.
Garrison, we're straight.
- Mr. Garrison: Those pants and those shoes say
you pound butt!
- Jimbo: Hey, now that's not true. My shoes
don't say I pound butt.
- Mr. Garrison: No, your shoes say you take it
in the butt!
- Mr. Garrison: Chef, what did you do when white
people stole your culture?
- Chef: Oh, well, we black people just always
tried to stay out in front of them.
- Mr. Slave: How did you do that?
- Chef: Well, like with our slang. Black people
always used to say, "I'm in the house" instead of "I'm here." But
then white people all started to say "in the house" so we switched
it to "in the hizzouse." Hizzouse became hizzizzouse, and then
white folk started saying that, and we had to change it to hizzie,
then "in the hizzle" which we had to change to "hizzle fo shizzle,"
and now, because white people say "hizzle fo shizzle," we have to
say "flippity floppity floop."
- Mr. Garrison: We don't have time for all that,
Chef! Oh, if only those Queer Eye For the Straight Guy people
understood what they were doing. Wait. That's it! I know exactly
what to do! Come on, Mr. Slave! Let's get back to our flippity
floppity floop.
- Chef: Oh no! Damn it! Don't call it that!
- Crab People: We are the Crab People!
- Mr. Slave: Jesus Christ!
- All Crab People: Crab People! Crab
People!
- Crab Person: Taste like crab, talk like
people.
- All Crab People: Crab People! Crab
People!
- Cartman, Stan, Kenny:We're here! We're not
queer! But we're close! Get use to it!
- Stan: You don't know anything about
Christianity, Cartman!
- Cartman: I know enough to exploit it.
- Cartman: Token, how many times do we have to
go through this? You're black, you can play bass.
- Token: I'm gettin' sick of your
stereotypes.
- Cartman: Be as sick as you want, just gimme a
god damn bass line.
- Token: (Playing a bass melody) God damn
it.
- Cartman: Butters, remind me later to cut your
balls off.
- Sergeant Yates: Man must learn to think of
these horrible outcomes before he acts selfishly or else--I
fear--recording artists will be forever doomed to a life of only
semi-luxury.
- Cartman: [singing]
- Don't ever leave me, Jesus. I couldn't stand to see you go
- My heart would simply snap, my Lord, if you walked on out that
door
- I promise I'll be good to you, and keep you warm at night
- Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, why don't we just shut off the lights
- Cartman: [singing]
- I wanna get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus
- I wanna feel his salvation all over my face
- TV Reporter: When asked if MOOP's strike will
stop them from illegaly downloading music, 1% said "yes". 2% said
"no". And, 97% said "Who the hell is MOOP?" Back to you, Tom.
- James Hetfield (of Metallica): We're going to
protest until music dowloading stopsah.
- Cartman: Oh, fuck Jesus! [Faith + 1's fans
gasp; a woman screams]
- Butters: Eric, I'm pretty sure you shouldn't
say the "F" word about Jesus.
- Token: Yeah, you're gonna hurt the band.
- Cartman: Who fucking cares, Token?! I can
never beat Kyle now! I'll say it again: FUCK JESUS!!
[people start to scream and run away]
- Man: My ears are bleeding!
- Token: Good job, dick head, you've lost
the entire audience!!
- Cartman: Oh, fuck you, Token, you black
asshole!!!
[Token angrily beats up Cartman and walks away while Stan,
Kyle, and Kenny see Cartman coughing in pain]
- Stan: Hmm, guess he got what he deserved.
[he, Kyle, & Kenny walk away]
- Butters: [pauses for a moment, then farts
in Cartman's face and gives him the finger] Fuck you, Eric!
[walks away, leaving Cartman all alone]
- Gerald: The answer is no, Kyle.
- Kyle: Oh, come on, dad, stop being such a
Jew!
- Sheila: Kyle! Don't belittle your own
people.
- Randy: Stan, are you okay?
- Stan: Yeah dad, we're just rehearsing our
band.
- Randy: Ohh. I thought a group of Vietnamese
people were getting their intestines pulled out through their
mouths. *closes door*
- Stan: I think old people should have rights,
grandpa. I just don't want to die.
- Randy: Oh, brother. Good job, dad. Look at you
now.
- Grandpa Marsh: Oh, goddammit! Don't you
lecture me, you son of a bitch!
- Randy: You just had to be so damn stubborn,
didn't you?
- Grandpa Marsh: Now my son is gonna talk to me
like I'm 12!
- Randy: We're not treating you like children,
Dad, alright. Now I think you owe Mr. Police Officer an apology.
Who needs to apologize, hmmm? Who's a Sorry Sorry?
- Grandpa Marsh: Kiss my sagging ass!
- Cartman: The poor kid passes it to the Jew,
the Jew shoots. He misses! Proving once and for all that Jews
cannot play hockey!
- Kyle: It's not fair! Cartman's fatter than the
goal!
- Cartman: I'm not fat, I just have a sweet
hockey body.
- Stan: Dad, why is everyone letting the old
people do this? Why doesn't somebody stop them?
- Randy: They've tried to stop them, son, but
the seniors get up so early in the morning they ... get everything
done before everyone else is even awake.
- Kyle: They're saying something about taking
over the whole country!
- Randy: Yes... And now seeing how early they
get up, I don't see how anyone can stop them. Wait a minute! You
boys! You get up almost as early as they do. You can fight
them.
- Stan: No, come on dad! Can't you guys do
it?
- Randy: No, son, we... like to sleep in.
- Randy: Son! Avenge me! Aveeeeenge...
meeeh!!!!"
- Kyle: You guys! I have awesome news!
- Cartman: You have AIDS?
- Kyle: It's like the Disneyland of Mexican
restaurants!
- Stan: Dude, it's Kyle's birthday, we should do
whatever he wants to do.
- Cartman: What? Fuck Kyle!
- Butters: But Eric, how am I supposed to
re-populate the Earth?
- Cartman: You know like, with your wiener.
- Butters: With my wiener?!
- (Cartman comes to Kyle's house dressed in a nice
sweater)
- Kyle: That isn't it, Cartman.
- Cartman: What isn't it?
- Kyle: That isn't being nice, that's just
putting on a nice sweater.
- Cartman: I don't understand the
difference.
- Kyle: I know you don't.
- (Kyle closes the door)
- Kyle: At least he (Butters) doesn't rip on me
for being a jew
- Cartman: When have i ever rip on you for being
a Jew?
*Flashbacks clips occur from when Cartman "rips" on Kyle for
being Jewish
- Cartman: Okay, except maybe for that one
time.
- Police Officer: Well kid you made an entire
town panic, you lost all of your friends and now you're going to
Juvenile Hall for a week. Was it all worth it?
- Cartman: ...Totally.
- Mr. Garrison: Wow, it seems like I don't have
a class full of retards anymore, doesn't it, children?
- Kyle: Dude, that new kid is such a
douche.
- Cartman: Yeah, somebody needs to put him in
his place.
- Butters: He's a pecker-face, that's what he
is.
- Cartman: Go kick his ass, Stan!
- Clyde: Yeah, go kick his ass.
- Stan: (unsure) W—maybe he won't fight.
- Cartman: Will he bleed? That's all we care
about.
- Kyle: Come on, dude, somebody needs to wipe
that fuckin' smirk off his face.
- Craig: Yeah, little bitch!
- Stan: Alright, I'm gonna go kick his ass.
- [Stan leaves to do so.]
- Cartman: Yeah, go Stan! Go Stan! …alright,
I've got five bucks on the other kid, who wants in?
- Cartman: You were supposed to kick his ass,
not lick his butthole!
- Gary's sister: And you must be Stan's sister!
Oh, I think your brother's the greatest!
- Shelley: My brother is a stupid turd!
- Gary: Hey, Stan.
- Stan: Oh, brother.
- Cartman: Uh oh, the jilted lover returns!
- Gary: Listen, I just wanted to let you know
you don't have to worry about me trying to be your friend
anymore.
- Stan: ...I don't?
- Gary: Look, maybe us Mormons do believe in
crazy stories that make absolutely no sense. And maybe Joseph Smith
did make it all up. But I have a great life and a great family and
I have the Book of Mormon to thank for that. The truth is, I don't
care if Joseph Smith made it all up. Because what the church
teaches now is loving your family, being nice and helping people.
And even though people in this town might think that's stupid, I
still choose to believe in it. All I ever did was try to be your
friend, Stan, but you're so high and mighty you couldn't look past
my religion and just be my friend back. You got a lot of growing up
to do, buddy. Suck my balls.
- [Gary leaves. Stan just stands and stares in shock at what
just happened.]
- Cartman: Damn, that kid is cool, huh?
- Randy: Let me handle this, Sharon. You gotta
put these cult people in their place or else they never stop! I'm
gonna go kick this Mr. Harrison's ass! [exits and slams the door
shut, but quickly returns] Is Mr. Harrison... is a... Is a white
guy, right?
- Cartman: He just goes around imposing his will
on people, he's my idol.
- Cartman: Handle it? For two billion dollars
I'd handle my grandpa's balls, dude.
- Cartman: Wow, it's like smoking brings a lot
of people just a little bit of joy, and you get to take that away
from them! You're awesome.
- Factory Worker 1 (singing): I like to
have a cigarette every now and then. It makes me feel calmer when
the day is at an end.
- Factory Worker 2 singing): And if it
gives me cancer when I'm 80, I don't care. Who the hell wants to be
90 anyway?
- Rob Reiner: I'm not Rita Poon, I'm Rob Reiner.
And you've just been Reiner'd!
- Rob Reiner: My gooooo!! My precious
goo!!!
- Bebe: Wendy breaks up.
- Stan: What?
- Bebe: Wendy breaks up with you.
- Stan: Whoa, whoa, wait a minute! What did I do
wrong? I haven't even talked to Wendy for weeks!
- Bebe: Whatever! You guys are assholes!
- Butters: At least we have assholes you dumb
girl!
- Jimmy: Stan told me to tell you he thinks
you're a cont…cont…cont…, you're a cont, cont, cont...
[sounding like cunt]
- Wendy: Well tell Stan to fuck off!
- [Wendy leaves.]
- Jimmy: Cont…continuing source of inspiration
to him.
- Butters: Well, thanks for offering to let me
in your clique, guys, but, to be honest, I'd rather be a crying
little pussy than a faggy Goth kid.
- Goth Kid: You can't be a non-conformist if you
don't drink coffee.
- Goth Kid: If you want to be a non-conformist,
you have to look like us, think like us, and listen to the same
music we do.
- Butters: I love life...Yeah, I'm sad, but at
the same time, I'm really happy that something could make me feel
that sad. It's like...It makes me feel alive, you know. It makes me
feel human. The only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt
something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the
good. So I guess what I'm feeling is like a beautiful sadness.
- Stan: Hey, Wendy! You're a bitch. Token,
[flips him off] right here, buddy.
- [Token and Wendy walk off angrily]
- Kyle: Oh, dude. It's,It's good to have you
back.
- Stan: Yeah, let's play ball.
- Harry Gints: My name is Harry Gints and this
is my wife Elise. We're from Canada.
- Gerald Broflovski: Yes, I can tell.
- Harry Gints: It was a tough time for us. It
was a tough time for all of Canada. The whole country was
devastated by the cola wars...
- Harry Gints: [referring to Ike] We're
going to take good care of him.
- Kyle: [coldly] You'd better.
- Cartman: Kyle, I just want you to know, if it
were any other time of year, I still wouldn't help you.
- Mr. Garrison: How 'bout we get rid of all the
Mexicans.
- Mayor McDaniels: Mr. Garrison, every Christmas
you suggest we get rid of all the Mexicans, and every Christmas we
tell you, "No!"
- Mr. Garrison: Rats!
- Cartman: [to Kyle] You (bleep)ing
asshole! This is all your fault!
- Kyle: What?
- Cartman: Everyone's gonna be charitable, and
give money to your family instead of buying Christmas presents! You
(Bleep!)king Jews ruin Christmas again! [he screams and charges
Kyle. Stan and Kenny rush forward and pull him back]
- Stan: Woah, woah, Cartman!
- Cartman: It wasn't enough for you people to
kill Jesus, now you have to kill Christmas too, huh!?
- Kyle: We wanna go to Canada.
- Mr. Tuong: Canada, eh? It's gonna be a rotta
money! How many people?
- Kyle: Four.
- Mr. Tuong: OK. (Under his breath)
Canada.... Four people.... Cost a rotta money.... (normal)
It's gonna be 6,500 dorrer!
- Kyle: How about 50 dorrer?
- Mr. Tuong: Fifty dorrer?! It should be at
least three thousand dorrar!
- Kyle: 55 dorrer?
- Mr. Tuong: I'm not sending anyone to Canada
for anything less that 1,000 dorrer!
- Kyle: 60 dorrer?
- Mr. Tuong: 62 dorrer?
- Kyle: I'll take it!
- Mr. Tuang: [slight pause] Heh heh
heh. Never try to barter with a Chinese man!
- Mr. Twong: Hello, welcome Shitty Airline!
- Cartman: Oh no, no, no, no, I am not flying in
that thing.
- Kenny: [muffled] Me neither.
- Kyle: Why not?!
- Kenny: [muffled] 'Cause, dude, I'll
fucking die!
- Kyle: You're not gonna die Kenny, don't be
stupid!
- Cartman: You guys get Ike. Kenny and I will
stay here and watch the fort.
- Stan: No, you're both coming. Do you care
about Christmas or not?
- Cartman: Of course I care about Christmas!
Oh, Christ on a stick!
- Kyle: All right! We're going to Canada!
- Cartman: Weak.
- Mr. Twong: Herro from the cockpit, this is
your captain speaking. As you can see, it appears that we are going
down. Now would be a good time to refrect on your life, and pray to
whatever deity you believe in. Thank you for flying Shitty
Airlines. We know you have a choice in airlines, and it rooks rike
you made the wrong one.
- Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: Alright
boys, prepare yourselves. We're about to enter French Canada.
- Kyle: French Canada?
- French Canadians [singing] There's no
Canada like French Canada, its the best Canada in the land! The
other Canada is hardly Canada; if you lived here for a day, you'd
understand!
- Mime: Oh, ha ha! Welcome to French
Canada!
- Hockey Player: We have everything your heart
could desire! Trapezes, trampolines, and lots and lots of
cheese!
- Artist: Would you like a mustache?
- Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: Just stay
calm, boys. French Canadians are a little odd.
- Stan: Uh, we're just passing through to see
the new Prime Minister.
- Mime: Well first, you must answer that phone.
[miming a phone call] Ring ring, ring ring.
- Kyle: We don't have time for this.
- Mime: You cannot pass through French
Canada unless you take that phone call! [miming a phone
call] Ring ring, ring ring.
- Kyle: [grudgingly playing along]
Hello.
- Mime: Hello! If you are going to see the new
Prime Minister, then I want to go with you! He has passed a new law
forbidding us French Canadians to drink wine!
- Artist: How can the French not drink wine?!
Travestie!
- Kyle: Okay, you can come with us.
- Mime: Ha ha, very good! Let us make
haste!
- French Canadians [singing] There's no
Canada like French Canada, its the best Canada in the land! And the
other Canada--
- Mime: --is a bullshit Canada!
- French Canadians [singing] If you
lived there for a day, you'd understand!
- Mime: I think you'd understand. You
understand.
- [Scott appears suddenly]
- Scott: Hey, what are you doing?!
- Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie:
[screaming] Argh!
- Mime: Oh no! It's Scott!
- Scott: What are you two doing helping these
Americans? Don't you know America thinks it owns Canada along with
the rest of the world?!
- Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: You're a
dick, Scott!
- Kyle: God damnit, we need to get to the new
Prime Minister, now!
- Steve the Newfoundlander: Oh yeah, the new
Prime Minister, eh? He sure has screwed up things for Newfoundland.
Life just hasn't been the same since he made sodomy illegal.
- Kyle: Can we just get going please?
- Steve the Newfoundlander:Yeah sure, there's
just one problem.
- Stan: What?
- Steve the Newfoundlander:You folks is going
the wrong way.
- Stan: What?! But I thought there was only one
road in Canada!
- Steve the Newfoundlander:Yeah, and you all
went the wrong direction on it.
- Stan: Oh, that's right! Ottawa is that
way!
- Mime: Of course! Ottawa left, Newfoundland
right!
- Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: It's okay,
boys. The power is inside us to get to Ottawa! We can wish
ourselves there!
- Mime: Ah yes! Lets wish ourselves there!
- [harps and angelic choir music is heard]
- Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: Is it
working?
- Steve the Newfoundlander: Of course, we could
always take me boat, aye.
- Saddam Hussein: [acting as the Prime
Minister of Canada] Uh, don't mind that guy hiding in the
spider hole, he's just my friend.
- Saddam Hussein: Uh, don't shoot! I want to
negotiate! Hey, relax!
- Cartman: Yeah, you got your little brother
back, but I didn't get any presents! And what did I tell you?
(takes off his mittens) I told you if we missed Christmas that we
were gonna get it on, didn't I? (takes off his coat, bunches it up,
and throws it aside.)
- Kyle: Dude, come on.
- Cartman: Well now you're gonna get it, mother
(bleep)! That's right, you and me, right now; we're having it out!
Let's go! Come on! Come on! (Kyle lightly slaps
Cartman, causing him to enter a daze, he snaps out of it and starts
crying) Wa-a-a-a-a-a-hhhh! Waaa-a-a-a-a-hh! Mo-o-o-o-o-m!
Mo-o-o-o-o-m!!
Season 8
- Cartman: You see, guys? This is why Jews can't
be ninjas. They've got no spine.
- Kyle: You don't know anything about Jews
fat-ass!
- [After Stan's attempt to remove the ninja star.]
- Kyle: Stop, dude! You're gonna scramble his
brain!
- Cartman: Go ahead and scramble it, then he
won't remember it was us.
- [Butters changes into Professor Chaos.]
- Butters: Let's see how you like dealing with
me, Ninjas! Mwa Ha Ha! Ah hahaha ha!
- [He stomps down the stairs while grunting and punches the
wall, leaving a huge dent.]
- Mrs. Stotch: Ooh, Butters. Are you going out
to play again?
- Butters: Yeah, Mom. I'm just going outside for
a little while.
- Mrs. Stotch: Well could you be a sweetie and
take that pie over there to the Thompsons? I made it to thank them
for babysitting you last week.
- Butters: [normal voice] Oh, o-o-okay,
Mom.
- Jimmy: Wha-what's the matter, fellas? Are you
ninjas or p-p-p-p-p-pussies?
- Cartman: We're twice the ninjas you fags
are!
- Kyle: We were taking him to the vet until you
fucked it all up! Butters!
- Craig: Was he bleeding?
- Cartman: (uninterested) Yeah a little.
Butters!
- Craig: Oh, shit. You guys are in trouble.
We're out of here!
- Stan: No, dude! You gotta help us find
him!
- Craig: To hell with that!
- Cartman: We're in this together, Craig! If
Butters tells on us, we're gonna tell on you; that's the ninja
code!
- Animal Shelter Worker: Here you go pup, I've
got a sweet dose of murder for ya. [Notices the open
kennel.] What the--? Blast it, he's escaped! [Sighs, moves
towards another dog.] Oh well, let's murder one of these other
dogs.
- Chef: Well, you children should be careful
with those weapons, you could put somebody's eye out.
- Kyle: Yeah, we know.
- Kyle: Okay, hang on guys, I'll use my special
power to see into the future, and find out where we should head
next.
- Cartman: Hold on you guys, I actually have
another power. I can see into the future too, but better than Kyle.
Let me try.
- Kyle: God damn it, Cartman, you can't keep
making up powers!
- Stan: Yeah, dude, that's like the fifth power
you've come up with!
- Cartman: I am Bullrog, and I have lots and
lots of powers.
- Kyle: No, asshole! From now on you only get to
have one power! So what is it?
- Cartman: I have the power to have all the
powers I want.
- Kyle: That doesn't count, fat ass!
- Stan: Yeah, that's it, Cartman, now you don't
get to have any powers!
- [Cartman whines.]
- Cartman: Alright, dick hole, time for you to
pay! [realizes his powers don't work] Oh, no, I have no powers!
Kyle took them away from me! Quick, Kyle, give me back my powers so
I can fight this evil villian!
- Kyle: Okay, okay, you can have your powers
back!
- Cartman: Alright, now I use my powers to turn
Kyle into a chicken! Blam!
- Kyle: [is turned into a chicken]
God damn it, Cartman!
- Cartman: [sing-song voice] Ha ha ha
ha ha-ha, now you are a chi-cken, nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh
nyeh-nyeh...
Theme song while boys are fighting.
- Japanese
- 素晴らしい
チンチンもの
- 金玉の毛ある
- それの音 サルボボ
- いいえ！忍者がいます
- Hey hey let's go 喧嘩する
- 大切な物 protect my
balls!
- 僕が悪い so let's
fighting--
- Let's fighting love! Let's fighting love!
- この歌ちょっと馬鹿
- わけがわからない
- 英語がめちゃくちゃ
- 大丈夫？ We do it
all the time!
- Hey hey let's go 喧嘩する
- 大切な物 protect my
balls!
- 僕が悪い so let's
fighting--
- Let's fighting love! Let's fighting love!
|
- Transliteration
- Subarashii chinchin mono
- Kintama no kami aru
- Sore no oto sarubobo
- Iie! Ninja ga imasuuuuuuuu
- Hey hey let's go kenka suru
- Taisetsu na mono protect my balls!
- Boku ga warui so let's fighting--
- Let's fighting love! Let's fighting love!
- Kono uta chotto baka
- Wake ga wakaranai
- Eigo ga mecha kucha
- Daijoubu, we do it all the time!
- Hey hey let's go kenka suru
- Taisetsu na mono protect my balls!
- Boku ga warui so let's fighting--
- Let's fighting love! Let's fighting love…
|
- English translation
- I have a wonderful penis
- There is hair on my balls
- Is that the sound of a baby monkey * ?
- No! Ninjas are here!
- Hey hey let's go! Getting in a fight!
- The important thing is to protect my balls!
- I am badass, so let's fighting--
- Let's fighting love! Let's fighting love!
- This song is a little stupid
- It doesn't make any sense
- English is all fucked up
- But that's okay, we do it all the time
- Hey hey let's go! Getting in a fight!
- The important thing is to protect my balls!
- I am badass, so let's fighting--
- Let's fighting love! Let's fighting love!
- actually, its slang, monkey-bushy hair, meaning monkey
pussy
|
- Kyle: Hey AWESOM-O, I'd also like some celery
sticks chopped up two inches long, with peanut butter and raisins
on top.
- Cartman: [as AWESOM-O] Suck my balls,
Kyle.
- Liane: [talking to Mrs. Stotch on the
phone] Actually, Eric is still supposed to be grounded for trying to exterminate the Jews
two weeks ago.
- Cartman: [as AWESOM-O talking to a movie
executive] Adam Sandler is a guy, and he, uh, falls in love
with a girl, but it turns out that she's a golden retriever.
- Movie Executive It's great! We'll call it
Puppy Love! Anymore?
- AWESOM-O Uh, Adam Sandler is a guy who falls
in love with a table.
- Movie Executive Genius! We'll call it
Table of Contents. God is there anything that this thing
can't do?
- Awesom-O Movie idea number 2305. Adam sandler
is trapped on an island and he falls in love with a coconut.
- Military General Mister Scientist!
You are paid to think! National security is our job.
- Butters: When Cartman is playing all alone in
his backyard, he likes to dress up as Britney Spears and pretend he's her.
He sings and dances with a life size cut-out of Justin Timberlake.
- Cartman:[as AWESOM-O]...You saw
that?
- Butters: Yeah, and I videotaped him doing
it!
- Cartman:[as AWESOM-O] No way.
- Butters: I got the whole thing on tape; even
the making out with Justin Timberlake.
- Cartman:[as AWESOM-O]Nuh-Uhhh
- [Cartman's just revealed his plan to pretend he's retarded
to win the Special Olympics.]
- Stan: Thats really, really, terrible
dude!
- Cartman: Terrible?! Whatever. You guys just
don't have brains that can compute complex plans like mine!
- Jimmy's Father: I'll leave you two alone. And
Jimmy, are you sure you weren't masturbating?. Its okay if you
were.
- Jimmy: Dad! Jesus Christ!
- Cartman: [Pretending he's retarded]
Derrrr...derrrr...hey guys whats going on, derrrrrr?
- [Long pause]
- Kyle: God damn you.
- Cartman: This is why you can't bring Jews on
away missions! They don't play along!
- Kyle: People don't hate the Jews!
- Cartman: Really? Three hundred million
domestic box-office, Kyle. The top-grossing film of all time, Kyle.
Those numbers don't lie. If you're not scared of The
Passion, then go see it. Go see it and tell me I'm wrong. Mel
Gibson, Kyle. Mel Gibson.
- Stan: Well, it looks like we spent about $87
getting our money back from Mel Gibson, but I think it's the
principle that matters.
- Kenny: [Muffled.] Yeah, I agree.
- [Truck horn honking.]
- Stan: Oh, you've got to be shitting me...
- Mel Gibson: Give me back my money!
- Cartman: Töten Sie die Juden! Wir können
nicht stillstehen bis sie alle tot sind! [Kill all the
Jews! We cannot stand still 'till all are dead!] Okay, I'm
ready. I'm ready to do thy bidding, Mel Gibson.
- Cartman: Okay, now when I say "Es ist Zeit für
Rache!" you respond "Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!".
- Woman: What does that mean?
- Man: Oh, I think it's Aramaic, just like in
the movie!
- Cartman: Es ist Zeit für Rache!
[It's time for revenge!]
- Crowd: Wir müssen die Juden
ausrotten! [We must exterminate the Jews!]
- Woman: Oh, this is fun!
- Cartman: Aw, aw, no, come on, people, we're so
close to completing my final solution!
- Kyle: I feel way better about being a Jew now
that I know Mel Gibson is just a big wacko douche.
- Rabbi: And now, one of our fine young
shlokas, Kyle Broflovski, has asked if he could speak to
the congregation.
- Kyle: Thank you, Rabbi. In 1973, the United
States officially issued an apology to the African-American
community for slavery. In 1956, Germany officially apologized for
World War II AND the Holocaust. And now, I believe, in 2004, the
Jewish community needs to apologize for the death of Jesus.
(The others are outraged)
- Sharon Marsh: Well, Randy, that was some great
advice you gave our son yesterday.
- Randy Marsh: What?
- Sharon: Those kids showed up to serve Stan
again, and he danced back.
- Randy: Well, what happened?
- Sharon: It's on.
- [Stan is asking help from the goth kids.]
- Goth Kid: I'm not doing it. Being in a dance
group is totally conformist.
- Henrietta: Yeah, I'm not conforming to some
dance-off regulations.
- Kindergoth: I'm not doing it either. I'm the
biggest non-conformist of all.
- Goth Leader: I'm such a non-conformist that
I'm not going to conform with the rest of you. Okay, I'll do
it.
- Stan: Great!
- [Pause]
- Henrietta: Whoa. I think we just got put in
our place.
- Goth Kid: Yeah, we just got goth served.
- Stan: Hey kid, you're pretty good. How would
you like to join our dance troupe?
- Yao: You mean dancing with out a machine
telling you what to do?
- Stan: Yeah.
- Yao: That's stupid.
- Lil' Kim: Wassup, niggas!
- Stan: But that isn't the point, Butters, the
point is that this is now! It's on, and there are people
who need you to step up. Look, nobody likes having to rise to a
challenge, but competing against other people and getting in their
faces (points at Butters) and saying "Ha ha, I'm better than you"
is part of life. And if you can't face that, then you might as well
sit here playing with lego until you're an old man.
- Butters: (dangerously) Get out of my room,
Stan.
- Stan (moving to the door) fine. (opens the
door) But one day you're gonna have to stop running from what
happened and deal with it, otherwise (points to Butters) you might
as well move to France with all the other pussies. (leaves
Butters's room. Butters tries to continue with his lego, but gets
frustrated and slams it onto his floor in a temper).
- Cartman: Well, excuse my French, Mrs. Marsh,
but you can suck on my fat hairy balls!
- Cartman: Mr. Jefferson, I wish I could be
around you all the time. You're awesome.
- Mr. Jefferson: I think you're awesome too,
Cartman.
- Cartman: Yeah?
- Mr. Jefferson: Yeah.
- Cartman: Yeah?
- Mr. Jefferson: Yeah.
- Cartman: Yeah? (they move in for a kiss)
- Stan: (waking up) Aaaaagghhh! (looks
round to see Cartman asleep and facing the ceiling and not Mr.
Jefferson)
- Mr. Jefferson: (opens his eyes) What's the
matter, Stan? You have a bad dream?
- Stan: Yeah, a really bad dream.
(shuts his eyes) Oh, Jesus.
- News Reporter: Aaron, I'm standing at the Time
Portal, which scientists say follows Terminator rules, that is it's
one way only and you can't go back. This is in contrast to say,
Back to the Future rules,
where back and forth is possible, and of course Timerider rules which are just plain
silly.
- Redneck #1: They took our jobs!
- Redneck #2: Took-er jerbs!
- Redneck #3: Derka der!
- Cartman: Hel-lo ma'am. We're going around town
and offering snow-shoveling service. Would you like your driveway
and sidewalk shoveled for eight thousand dollars?
- Woman: Oh well, I certainly could use some
little snow-shovelers, but eight thousand dollars seems a little
steep. How about ten dollars?
- Cartman: Ooh, ouch, ma'am, please, let go of
that tight grip you have on my balls! Ten dollars, you're breaking
my balls, ma'am!
- Woman: How much are oranges?
- Gooback: Tree-fiddy ($3.50)
- Weathers: (Reading from a letter) Dear
Intolerant Rednecks, we sympathize with you losing your jobs, but
we believe your solution of shooting everyone who crosses the
border is inhuman.
- Gooback: (with difficulty) Iggen arndrij?
(points to the chicken sandwich sign)
- Stan: No, not a chicken sandwich! I want a
god damn cheesburger and some god damn fries, you fucking
goobacks!!
- Randy: Stan Marsh!!
- Stan: Ah--Ah!
- Bill O'Reilly: On my right is pissed-off
white-trash redneck conservative and on my left is aging hippie
liberal douche.
- Randy Marsh: Oh my God. Dey took ma
jahb!
- Stan: Dey took yer jahb!
- Stan: Jesus Christ…Dad?!
- Randy: Stan?
- Stan: Dad, oh my God!
- Randy: Stan.
- Stan: What, Dad, are you dying?
- Randy: No, I'm just really really tired. I was
shopping at Wall-Mart all night.
- Cartman: Whoa, pixie sticks, 29 cents!
- [Cartman slips into a trance.]
- Cartman: Wall-Mart? are you speaking to me?…My
friends…Trying to hurt you again? Yes Wall-Mart, I understand.
- Stan: Three tickets to Bentonville, Arkansas,
please.
- Cartman: Hey, guys, wait up. I wanna go with
you and help out.
- Kyle: No way. You want to come with us so you
can betray us at some point and keep us from destroying
Wall-Mart.
- Cartman: Nu-uh.
- Kyle: Yu-Hah! you want to come with us so that
later I can go "Hah hah, I was working for Wall-Mart all along" or
something.
- Cartman: I am not, Kyle!
- Stan: Dude, just let him come, the bus is
about to leave.
- [Kenny and Stan walk off.]
- Kyle: Alright, fine. Come on, fat-ass.
- [Kyle walks off; Cartman takes out a knife.]
- Cartman: Ha ha, you fools have no idea that I
will never let you hurt the Wall-Mart.
- [Kyle runs back.]
- Kyle: I heard that!
- Cartman: Heard what?
- Kyle: You said that we have no idea that you
are never going to let us hurt the Wall-Mart.
- Cartman: That's not what I said!
- [Stan comes back.]
- Stan: Dude, come on.
- Kyle: He's working for the Wall-Mart to
stop us from succeeding!!
- Stan: Dude, we have to go.
- Kyle: God damn it.
- Stan: Well, hurry up if you're coming,
Cartman!
- Cartman: [offscreen] He he, you
stupid fools have no idea that I'm actually working for the
Wall-Mart to stop you from suceeding!
- Stan: Goddamn, that took a long time.
- Kyle: It would have been faster if Cartman
hadn't slashed the tires.
- Cartman: I did not. I wanna close
Wall-Mart just as much as you guys do.
- Cartman: If you want to hurt the Wall-Mart,
you're gonna have to go through me.
- Stan (as a toddler): Dude, let's play
firemen!
- Kyle (as a toddler): Totally dude, let's play
fireman!
- Cartman (as a toddler): Jews can't be
firemen!
- Kyle (as a toddler): Shut up, fat ass!
- Cartman (as a toddler): Don't call me fat you
stupid jew!
- Dr. Doctor: From the test results, it would
appear your child was tortured by a bully. He received a massive
snuggie; his underwear pulled up so high it nearly killed him. He
also received two Indian sunburns on his forearms, a charlie horse on the thigh, and a
second-degree titty-twister. And from the damage to his head area,
it appears he was also given a swirly -- a colossal one. It also
looks like he received a noogie, and a Polish bike ride.
- Dr. Doctor: Boys, you have to let him rest.
Some mean kid gave him a Texas Chili Bowl.
- Stan: What's that?
- Dr. Doctor: It involves Tabasco sauce, a
telephone, and the anus.
- (After the teacher gets injured)
- Officer: Miss Claridge, did Trent Boyett do
this to you?
- Teacher: (two beeps, which is supposed to
mean no)
- Officer: "Yes, Yes". Take him away!
- Paris Hilton: Another dog killed itself!
- Paris Hilton: [opening her new store]
Have fun girls, and remember to party and be super-lame to
everybody.
- Cartman: [Walks up to a group of girls and
flips each one off in turn] F**k you, Millie! F**k you, Annie!
F**k you, Bebe! F**k you Whatever-your-name-is!, a-a-a-and f**k
you, bitch!
- Mr. Garrison: [after Mr. Slave shoves
Paris Hilton up his anus] Now that's a whore!
- Man in Crowd: Whore off!
- Randy Marsh: Oh, no, she didn't.
- Stan: I am sorry that I killed your mom but
the squirrel told me that she was evil.
- Mountain Lion Cub: You got tricked by a
squirrel? Gee, you are not too smart, are you mister?
- Beary: Gee whiz, Santa, you're not gonna kill
me, are you?
- [Santa shoots him.]
- Kyle: Stan! What the hell is going on?!
- Stan: It's Critter Christmas, dude! It sucks
ass!
- Narrator: And they all lived happily ever
after, except for Kyle, who died of AIDS two weeks later.
- Kyle: [voiceover] God damn you,
Cartman!
- Singing critters: What special time! What
special day! It's Woodland Critter Christmas!
- Squirrely the Squirrel: Hail Satan!
- Squirrely the Squirrel: Blood orgy! Blood
orgy!
Season 9
- Mrs. Garrison: Hey, boys. It's me, your
teacher, Mrs. Garrison.
- Cartman: [Whispers] You guys, Mr. Garrison has
titties!
- Kyle: Mom? Dad? What's a sex-change
operation?
- Gerald: [taken aback] What? Uh,
n-nothing. I'll explain it to you when you're a little older.
- Kyle: But our teacher, Mr. Garrison? He just
had his penis made into a vagina. How come?
- Ike: Penis!
- Gerald: Your teacher had a sex change? Oh my
God!
- Ike: Vagina!
- Kyle: Mom! Dad! I have awesome news! The
doctor who gave Mr. Garrison a sex-change said he could make me
tall and black!
- Sheila: What?
- Kyle: Dr. Biber said he can give me a
Negroplasty so I can finally look the way I've always wanted. He
even took my picture and then did computer imaging to show what I
would look like after the surgery.
- Gerald: Oh, just great! You see, Sheila? This
is what your transgender progressive thinking gets you! Now your
son wants to be transracial!
- Kyle: Can I have $3000, Mom and Dad? Huh? Can
I?
- Sheila: Absolutely not, Kyle!
- Kyle: But why not? You said sometimes people
need surgery to make them feel better about themselves.
- Sheila: Yes, but Kyle--
- Kyle: Well, all my life I felt I was black!
I've listened to hip-hop, I watch UPN and I love playing
basketball! My body doesn't reflect who I am inside.
- Sheila: Kyle, you have to accept your body the
way it is.
- Kyle: Why? Why do I have to accept it when I
can change it?
- Sheila: The answer is no, Kyle! You're
not going to have a Negroplasty!
- Kyle: But Jews can't play basketball!
- Gerald: Kyle, you'd better stop being
anti-Semitic right now, mister!
- Kyle: [shouts] I'm not speaking to either
one of you ever again! [storms into his room]
- Gerald: Look, Ike! Your daddy's a
dolphin!
- Mr. Slave: I don't like vaginas.
- Mrs. Garrison: You men are all alike! Go ahead
and find somebody who doesn't have a vagina, you fag!
- Basketball coach: [to Kyle] No, you
see, Jews can't play basketball. They're not tall or black
enough.
- Kyle: All my life I've wanted to be tall and
black. Could you do it for me, Doctor?
- Doctor: (Stares, speechless) Oh, I
see! In that case, you want a Negroplasty.
- Kyle: A Negroplasty?
- Doctor: Yes, it's very simple, just the exact
opposite of a Caucasioplasty.
- Gerald: What kind of nutjob would agree to
surgically alter my son into a tall African-American?!
- Mrs. Garrison: That means I'm not really a
woman! I'm just a guy with a mutilated penis!
- Doctor: Basically, yes.
- Cartman: They're not people! They're
hippies!
- Cartman: Goddamn hippies!!!
- Kyle: Those dirty liars!
- Kenny: [muffled] Son of a bitch!
- Cartman: And we'll need a black guy who can
sacrifice himself in case something goes wrong. [camera moves
back and forth passing Chef several times] Oh how
about...
- Chef: [irritated] Yeah, I know!
- Hippie: Wait until those little Eichmanns get
a taste of this crunchy groove!
- Cartman: Did you eat their brownies? Did
you eat their brownies?!
- Mrs. Garrison: Just between us gals, nothing
gets my cooch wetter than a black man singing!
- Principal Victoria: Mr. Garrison, for the love
of God!
- [Kenny is playing PSP]
- Mrs. McCormick: Kenny? Kenny, are you still
playin' with that thing? Kenny, it's been two weeks and you've done
nothin' else!
- Kenny: [mumbling] I could get to
level 60!
- Mrs. McCormick: Who cares if you
almost made it to level 60? You're wastin' your life, Kenny! If you
died tomorrow, what would you have to show for it? You're gonna end
up wishin' you'd done more with your life, just like your
deadbeat father!!
- Mr. McCormick: 'Ey! I heard that, bitch!
- Mrs. McCormick: I wasn't talkin' to you,
asshole!
- Michael: God intended Kenny to die! What are
these people doing?
- Angel: The Keanu Reeves boy has been
revived on Earth! His soul is no longer in Heaven!
- Satan: Then GOD is helping us!
- Stan: Don't kill Kenny!
- Protesters: You bastards!
- Uriel: No! There is another. A Japanese boy
did make it to level 59.
- Michael: Are you stupid, Uriel?
Japanese people don't have souls!
- Angels: Yeah, Uriel!
- Uriel: Oh. Right, right. I'm sorry.
- Kevin: Keep your army marching my Lord. I will
get that feeding tube removed.
- Satan: How?
- Kevin: I will do what we always do. Use the
Republicans.
- [The hooded figure hisses into Bush's left ear.]
- George Bush: We Republicans are deeply
saddened by the recent events in Colorado!
- Kevin: Removing the feeding tube is murder!
Haaghaghaghaghaghagha...
- George Bush: Removing the feeding tube is
murder!
- Kevin: Who are we to decide that Kenny should
live or die? Haaghaghaghaghaghagha...
- George Bush: Who are we to decide that Kenny
should live or die?
- Kevin: It is God's will that he live!
- George Bush: It is God's will that he
live!
- Kevin: Haaghaghaghaghaghagha...
- George Bush: Haghaghaghagha...
- Kevin: No no, you don't say that part,
Haaghaghaghaghaghagha . [hisses into Bush's right
ear]
- George Bush: No no, you don't say that part,
Haghaghaghagha.
- Crowd: [Speechless]
- Angel 1: Jesus! Their army is massive!
- Angel 2: Heaven help us!
- Michael: Basically, Kenny, you...are Keanu Reeves.
- Stan: Dad?
- Randy: Huh?
- Stan: You're the greatest.
- Batdad: Now for the finishing move! You're
about to be "Batdad-ed"!
- Randy: Hey, Batdad, I didn't hear no
bell.
- Batdad: Batdad knows no fear! Batdad knows no
pain!
- Randy: For what? Arresting me for what? I'm
not allowed to stand up for myself? I thought this was America!
Huh? Isn't this America? I'm sorry, I thought this was
America.
- Randy: Denver sucks ass.
- Butters: Son of a biscuit.
- Pueblo Dad: Vamanos Pueblo! Vive el
Pueblo!
- Randy: (takes out Spanish-English Dictionary)
Pueblo no es bueno...Pueblo es muy mal.
- Butters: I'm like the kid in that movie: I'm
seein' dead people!
- Cartman: Let's see, oh and I tried to
exterminate the Jews last spring...
- Cartman: Oh my god! This can't be happening!
(hears his mother wailing uncontrollably) Mom? Mom's crying?! Oh
god! It's true! (runs to see through the window. In her room, the
fat plumber is banging Mrs Cartman on her bed. Cartman turns and
brawls) Oh, it's not fair! (falls on his knees) Why?! WHY?!
(continues crying and his mother continues crying as well)
- Jimmy: Hey, fellas, where's Cartman?
- Stan: Cartman isn't our friend anymore.
- Kyle: We're ignoring him.
- Token: Ignoring him, how come?
- Kyle: Because he's a fat racist self-centered
intolerant manipulating sociopath.
- Token: Oh yeah.
- Cartman: Goodbye, Butters, I must be going
now. I may check in on you from time to time. Have a long,
fulfilling life Butters! Good-byeeeeeeeee...
- Mr. Mackey: [reading a note from the sex
ed "question box"] "Mr. Mackey is gay." OK, kids, that's not
funny, m'kay! This box is supposed to be used for serious
questions, about serious issues, m'kay? Let's stop the tomfoolery.
M'kay, let's look at a real one here. "Dear Mr. Mackey, you are
gay." All right, all right, that is enough, kids! Let's quiet down
and try to be mature, m'kay! Here we go, m'kay. "Mr. Mackey,
sometimes my parents hit me...and you are gay." Dammit is there not
one serious question in here?! [quietly going through
notes] "Mr. Mackey's gay..." "Mr. Mackey's gay..." OK, here:
"I am a boy at South Park Elementary. Sometimes when I'm sitting in
class, my penis becomes hard for no reason. What should I do?"
- Ike: [singing] I have a Yankee Doodle
sweetheart, she's my Yankee Doodle girl. 'Ankee Doodle came to
London, just to ride the ponies! I am da Yankee Doodle, I am da
Yankee Doodle, I am da Yankee Doodle boy!
- Butters: 'Ey, who's droppin' bombs in there?!
How 'bout a courtesy flush?!
- Cartman: Up yours, Butters!!
- Jimmy: Shawna, I was wondering if I could put
my penis in your vagina.
- Gerald: Maybe we should strip these jackets
off and warm our bodies next to each other.
- Randy: Don't be a fag!
- Stan: Dude! Dude, did you see the news last
night?
- Cartman: Yeah.
- Stan: You saw all those people trapped on
their roofs?
- Cartman: Yeah, that was pretty funny.
- Randy: (draws a line near near the bottom of
the USA map) Everyone below this line will have to be evacuated to
the South...(draws another line further up) Everyone above this
line is already dead. (draws two horizontal lines in between the
two verticals) People like us in the middle states will have to
ride it out... (draws a sphere that makes the diagram resemble
testicles) People in the balmy south-western states might have a
chance but (draws a small horizontal line between and at the end of
the two horizontals) New York will have tidal waves that will
envelop the north-east (draws a circle, making the diagram resemble
a penis and testicles).
- [long pause]
- Man: (stifles a snigger).
- Randy: (dangerously) What, Frank?
- Frank: (continues to snigger and points to
Randy's penis-shaped diagram)
- Randy: (looks at it for a moment and realizes)
Aw! Oh, goddammit. (draws a squiggle to cover it)
- Stan: Global Warming didn't destroy the
dam....I know who did.
- Kyle: Terrorists?
- Stan: No...
- Kyle: The President?
- Stan: No...
- Kyle: Chinese Radicals?
- Stan: No...
- Kyle: Communists?
- Stan: No...
- [brief pause]
- Kyle:...Cartman?
- Stan:...Kind of...
- Kyle: CARTMAN BROKE THE DAM?!
- Cartman: Give me your Jew gold now!
- Kyle: Goddammit, you know I don't carry gold
in a little bag around my neck, Cartman. What do you want from
me?
- Cartman: I want your Jew gold…
- Kyle: We must save these people!
- Stan: How?
- Cartman: Why?
- [repeated line]
- Townsfolk: We didn't listen! [Echoed]
We didn't listen!
- Angry Man: It's George Bush's fault!
- Another Man: Yeah! George Bush doesn't care
about beavers!
- Stan: It's MY fault. I broke the dam.
- [long pause]
- Cartman: Aw, man...
- Sharon Marsh:...Stanley...You?
- Man: No. Don't you see what this child is
saying? We can't spend all our energy placing blame when something
bad happens. He's saying...we all broke the dam.
- Stan: No. I broke the dam.
- Woman: I broke the dam.
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Stan: No. I broke the dam.
- Woman: And I broke the dam.
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Cartman: Hehe...I broke the dam!
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Woman: I broke the dam.
- Stan: [trying to insist] I broke the
dam. I ran a boat into the dam and I broke it.
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Stan: No! I broke the fucking dam!
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Stan: I literally broke the dam!
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Stan: On a boat! That wasn't mine!
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Stan: I kept it secret for two days!
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Stan: The boat caught on fire and it
exploded!
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Stan: Aw, fuck it!
- Cartman: Ah, gentlemen, thank you for coming.
We don't have a lot of time, so I'll cut to the chase. The girls at
our school have been hiding something from us; hiding something
huge.
- Craig: What?
- Cartman: What if I were to tell you that the
girls have a device which allows them to see into the future?
- Stan: What?
- Butters: How do you know?
- Kyle: The girls do not have a device that
shows them the future, Cartman. That's retarded.
- Clyde: You, sir, mocked Cartman before. Yet
you too sit here demanding answers. Now damn you, let him
speak!
- [Pause...]
- Cartman: Thank you, Clyde.
- Mrs. Garrison: Why don't you tell the children
a little about yourself, Marjorine?
- Marjorine: I'm just a typical little girl. I
like dancing, and ponies, and getting my snootch pounded on Friday
nights.
- Clyde: Nice.
- Mrs. Garrison: Now, Marjorine, that's not very
ladylike. Us Colorado girls love to get pounded in the snizz just
like any woman, but we keep it to ourselves.
- Cartman: God only knows the horrors that go on
at girls' slumber parties.
- Steven Stotch: You're demon-spawn now,
son.
- Kevin: You mean like that movie, Juwanna
Mann?
- Cartman: No, not like the movie Juwanna
Mann! It's way cooler than that!
- Cartman: [advising Butters]...just
roll with it if they start lezzing out.
- Butters: Can't I just have some
SpaghettiOs?
- Cartman: (After Kenny blows up the
future-telling device) Damn Ken!
- Stan: [disgusted] Oh, no, dude! He's going to
put me with Wendy!
- Kenny: So?
- Stan: So, I haven't even spoken to Wendy since
we broke up!
- Mr. Garrison: We've completed our scientific
non-biased study of fags having kids.
- Mr. Garrison: Look at the freak egg! It has
two daddies! [teasing] "Two daddies, two daddies!"
- Kyle: Do you really think my hat is
stupid?
- Stan: As a matter of fact, I think it is the
finest hat I have ever known.
- Wendy: Stan I'm sorry I doubted you. You
really made a great dad.
- Stan: [Laughs] Like I give a crap about what
you think, Wendy.
- [Wendy puts her hand on her chest and walks away, head down
mournfully.]
- Mrs. Garrison: You know what we need? A good
old-fashioned "Fag Drag!"
- Man in Anti-Homosexual Rally: Actually, we
don't want to hurt them....We just don't want them to get
married.
- Mrs. Garrison: [tries again] Fag drag?
- Governor:... while gays can still live
together as "butt buddies" and straights can keep the title of
marriage sacred.
- Lesbian in Crowd: What about Lesbians?
[small murmurs among lesbians]
- Governor: Who gives a shit about fucking
dykes?
- Cartman: (to Kyle) Shut your goddamned
daywalker mouth!
- Cartman: The only way to fight hate is with
even more hate!
- Cartman: I'm not gonna be part of a fucking
minority!
- Brian: Yeah, I'm afraid that you are
completely miserable and totally depressed.
- Stan: I am?! I didn't know that!
- Brian: Well there's certainly no question that
you are a perfect candidate for Scientology
- Stan: Dad, Tom Cruise won't come out of the
closet!
- Randy: What?!
- Stan: Tom Cruise locked himself in my closet
and he won't come out.
- Randy: [knocks on closet door] Mr.
Cruise? Mr. Cruise, come out of the closet.
- Tom Cruise: No!
- Randy: Come on, Mr. Cruise, this is
ridiculous.
- Tom Cruise: I'm never coming out!
- Randy: [to Stan] What did you say to
him?
- Stan: I just told him I thought the Napoleon Dynamite guy is a better
actor than he is.
- Randy: Oh boy.
- R. Kelly: But then I calm myself down, and I
pull out my gun!
- Field Reporter: Oh geez, here we go with the
gun again.
- Cartman: Don't be such a Jew, Stan.
- Kyle: So what should we do now? It's Saturday!
we have to have as much fun as possible.
- Cartman: Hey, I know, let's go play laser-tag
at Fun-Plex.
- Kenny: [muffled] Hey, yeah!
- Stan: No, I don't want to spend any money, you
guys. Let's just find something fun that's free.
- Cartman: Stan, don't you know the first law of
physics? Anything that's fun costs at least $8.
- President: What's better than telling people a
stupid story and having them believe you?! [Stan draws a blank]
Having them PAY you for it, stupid!
- Tom Cruise: [to Stan] I'll sue you in
England!
- Nicole Kidman: Tom? Don't you think this has
gone on long enough? It's time for you to come out of the
closet.
- Tom Cruise: But I'm...I'm not in the
closet.
- Nicole Kidman: Yes, you are, Tom, and you need
to just end this and come out.
- Nicole Kidman: Tom, come out of the closet.
You're not fooling anybody.
- Scientologist: You can't make fun of
Scientology, kid! We are going to sue your ass and your balls!
- Travolta: Hey Tom, it's me. It's John
Travolta.
- Cruise: ..Hey John.
- Travolta: Tom, you have to come out of the
closet, ohmygawd!
- Cruise: But I'm not in the closet.
- Travolta: OK...so, if you're not coming out,
can I at least come in and talk to you?
- Cruise: OK...but no tricks!
- Travolta: No tricks. (gives a thumbs up to the
police and the Marshes. The door opens; he walks in.) Hey! It's
really nice in here!
- Cruise: Ya see?!
- Travolta: I feel really safe,
ohmygawd!
- (the group looks on)
- Randy: (tries the door) HEY!
- Stan: Dad, aren't you kind of drunk?
- Randy: It's OK, Stan, I have some beer to keep
my buzz going!
- AA Member: Do you know anything about
alcoholism?
- Stan: Yeah, and I know a thing or two about
cults. I was the leader of one for a
while.
- Karate Instructor: Kaa-tuman-san! What are you
doing?
- Cartman: I'm doing some sweet banzai moves.
I'm a little better than everyone else here.
- Karate Instructor: Eriku-san, you must follow
direction! You raku disciprine!
- Cartman: Nuh-uh, I don't raku disciprine!
- Stan: No, cancer is a disease. My dad needs to
drink less.
- Randy: It's not fair. Why did you give me this
disease?
- Stan: Dad, aren't you supposed to, like, not
drink and drive?
- Randy: I'm not drinking and driving, I'm
driving while I'm drinking, right, boys?!
- Cartman: Sure, whatever, dude.
- Randy: How did I manage to raise such a smart
kid?
- Stan: I have a great teacher.
- Randy: Thanks son.
- Stan: No not you, my karate teacher. He's
really smart.
- Mrs. Garrison: Well I think we have all
learned an important lesson, haven't we, class: if you don't make
the right choices in life, you can end up being a big loser like
Stan's dad.
- Class: [silence]
- Mrs. Garrison: Drinking and driving is for
idiots. Nobody wants to end up like Stan's dad, do they?
- Class: [silence]
- Mrs. Garrison: I want you all to take a good
look at Stan's dad, and say: "Is that who I wanna be in 30 years?
Getting tickets and having to go to elementary-school classrooms
and talk about how pathetic I am?" Thank you, Mr. Marsh, I think
you have made your point.
- Field Reporter: And the Pope said, quote, "A chick bleeding
out her vagina is no miracle. Chicks bleed out their vaginas all
the time."
- Randy: Well how about 4?
- Stan: I think you're pushing it.
- Randy: How 'bout 20?
- Stan: That's not disciprine.
- Randy: Right, right. Does vodka
count?
- Stan: Dad!
- Randy: Let me handle this. What seems to be
the officer, problem?
- Officer: ...Step out of the car, please.
Season 10
- Cartman: Uh, guys? Did Chef seem a little, uh,
trippy to you?
- Cartman: Hey you guys, you know what they call
a Jewish woman's boobs? ...Joobs!
- Clyde: You guys... something's wrong with
Chef. He's saying some really weird stuff.
- Kyle: Like what?
- Clyde: I think… I think he wants to have sex
with me.
- Chef: [In sound clips of his voiced mixed
together] I want to stick my balls inside your rectum, Kyle. I'm
gonna make love to your asshole, children. Kenny, how would you
like to sodomize my black ass?
- Butters: [after seeing a police detective
perform a rim job on a doll] My Uncle Bud did that to me
once!
- Mr. Connolly: [About the Super Adventure
Club's founder] And he lived for eternity, until he was hit by
a train in 1892.
- [After hearing the Super Adventure Club's story]
- Kyle: Do you realize how retarded that
sounds?
- Mr. Connolly: Is it any more retarded than the
idea of God sending his only son down to die for our sins? Is it
any more retarded that Buddha sitting beneath a tree for twenty
years?
- Stan: Yeah, it's way, way more retarded.
- Mr. Connolly: If you choose not to leave, then
we will have to...call security and make you leave. It will be
super-embarrassing and everyone here will see!
- Stan: Oh my God. They killed Chef.
- Kyle: You bastards! YOU BASTARDS!!!
- Mr. Connolly: Pity. He would've made an
excellent child molester.
- Kyle: We're all here today because Chef has
been such an important part of our lives. A lot of us don't agree
with the choices Chef has made in the past few days. Some of us...
feel hurt... and confused that he seemed to turn his back on us.
But we can't let the events of the last week take away the memories
of how much Chef made us smile. I'm gonna remember Chef as
the jolly old guy who always broke into song. I'm gonna
remember Chef... as the guy who gave us advice to live by. So you
see, we shouldn't be mad at Chef for leaving us. We should be mad
at that fruity little club for scrambling his brains.
- Randy: Yeah.
- Mr. Mackey: He's right.
- Kyle: And in the end, I know that somewhere
out there... there's the good part of Chef... that's still alive in
us all.
- Mr. Connolly: Chef, can you hear me? Say
something.
- Darth Chef: Hello there, children. How would
you like some Salisbury steak?
- Mr. Connolly: Yes, go on.
- Darth Chef: And for dessert, how would you
children like to suck on my chocolate salty balls?
- Mr. Connolly: Oh? You mean like a chocolate
candy?
- Darth Chef: No, I mean my balls.
- Mr. Connolly: Yes, YESS! Hahahahahahaaa!
- Mr. Connolly: Our club offers hope! Do you
think we go around the world molesting children just because it
feels really, really, really, really good? No! Our club has a
message...and a secret that explains the mysteries of life!
- Stan: Oh, Jesus. Here we go.
- Mr. Connolly: Very well. I am now going to
tell you the secret of the Super Adventure Club.
- Cartman: [upon seeing Chef fall down a
mountain then get torn to pieces by a mountain lion and a
bear] Hey maybe he's ok, I heard the last thing you do before
you die is cra—[Chef voids bowels] oh… never mind.
- Chef: [after meeting a large dancer at a
strip club Chef's trance begins to waver] Wait a
minute...
- Stan: He's remembering
- Chef: Children! what have I done
- Cartman: It's ok Chef go on remember
- Chef: [singing] I'm gonna I'm
gonna
- Kyle: Come on Chef you can do it
- Chef: [singing] I'm gonna make love
to you woman gonna lay ya down by the fire
- The boys: YAAY!
- Cartman: San Fransisco is the breeding ground
of hippies!
- News Anchor: Cities like Denver and Salt Lake
are heavily damaged, but still alright. However, San Francisco I'm
afraid, has disappeared completely up its own asshole.
- Gerald: Which cartoon is it? What cartoon'll
be so insensitive as to have Mohammed as a character?
- Randy: Who do you think?! The cartoon that's
always pushing buttons with their careless toilet humor! Family
Guy!
- Cartman: That's different! I'm just a little
boy! That's a cartoon! Millions of people watch it! How would you
feel, Kyle, if there was a cartoon on television that made fun of
Jews all the time?! Huh?!
- Cartman: [about Family Guy] It's
wrong! It's wrooooong!
- Chris: Freedom of speech is at stake here,
don't you all see? If anything, we should all make cartoons of
Muhammad, and show the terrorists and the extremists that we are
all united in the belief that every person has a right to say what
they want! Look, people, it's been real easy for us to stand up for
free speech lately. For the past few decades we haven't had to risk
anything to defend it. But those times are going to come! And one
of those times is right now. And if we aren't willing to risk what
we have, then we just believe in free speech, but we don't defend
it!
- Mrs Garrison: Now put yourself in the shoes of
a Muslim. It's Friday night, but you can't have sex, and you can't
jack off. There's sand in your eyes and probably in the crack of
your ass, and then some cartoon comes along from a country where
people are getting laid, and mocks your prophet. Well you know
what? I'd be pretty pissed off too!
- Cartman: Mr. Garrison, that is ignorant and
racist! Muslims are mad because of Family Guy, not because they
can't jack off! Right, Wendy? [Wendy is surprised]
- Wendy: ...Yeah.
- Cartman: Don't you ever, ever compare
me to Family Guy, you hear me Kyle? Compare me to
Family Guy again and so help me, I will kill you where you
stand! Do you have any idea what it's like? Everywhere I go: 'Hey
Cartman you must like Family Guy, right?' 'Hey, your sense
of humor reminds me of Family Guy Cartman!' I am NOTHING
like Family Guy! When I make jokes they are inherent to a
story! Deep situational and emotional jokes based on what is
relevant and has a point, not just one random
interchangable joke after another!
- Closing voiceover: Will networks executives
stand up for free speech? Or will Comedy Central puss out?
- Ayman al-Zawahri: Seriously, Family
Guy isn't even that well written. The jokes are all
interchangeable and usually irrelevant to the plot. When this
episode airs - our retaliation will be MASSIVE!
- Cartman: Oh my god, is that Tim Mcgraw?
- Bart Simpson: [after hitting Kyle over the
head with a skateboard] Cowabunga, motherfucker.
- Cartman: I did it, I…am…GOD!
- Cartman: What's the worst thing you've ever
done?
- Bart Simpson: I stole the head off a statue
once.
- Cartman: [pause] Wow, that's pretty hardcore.
Geez. That's like this one time when I didn't like a kid, so I ground his parents up into
chili and fed it to him.
- Cartman: I'll use this situation to get Family
Guy cancelled. I use fear to manipulate people to do my
bidding.
- Bart Simpson: Uh, isn't that like
terrorism?
- Cartman: Dude, it's not like terrorism! It
is terrorism!
- Kyle: Cartman! You fucking fatass!
- Cartman: How the hell did you get out?
- Kyle: That kid and I had a long talk. I told
him he was on a slippery slope to becoming a monster like you!
- Cartman: Oh goddamnit! You gave him one of
your gay little speeches, didn't you?
- Kyle: You are not killing Family Guy!
- Cartman: Well Kyle, I guess it was
innevtale.
- [Cartman and Kyle take their gloves off, stare at each
other, and engage in a slap fight.]
- Cartman: Ow! Kyle stop it-no Kyle that's too
hard!
- President Bush: Look, the
fact of the matter is, the Family Guy writing staff is protected by
something called the First Amendment.
- Reporter 1: And what exactly is this First
Amendment, Mr. President?
- George W. Bush: ...you know. Right to free
speech.
Many of the reporters groan loudly and begin
yelling
- Reporter 2: Mr. President, when your
administration came up with this First Amendment, did it not
foresee a problem like this might happen?
- George W. Bush: Well, we didn't come up with
the First Amendment. It was already in place.
- Reporter 3: What do you intend to do about
this First Amendment, Mr. President?
- Reporter 4: Forgive me, Mr. President, but
this First Amendment sounds like a lot of bureaucratic
jibbery-jroo.
- [In a meeting with Terrance and Phillip]
- Terrance: ALL RIGHT, JUST WHAT THE HELL IS
GOING ON HERE??!!
- Phillip: You censored out the image of
Muhammad in our television special!!
- Network President: Ey! You guys know the
rules! Nobody can show the image of Muhammad anymore. It's
dangerous.
- Terrance: But you ruined the whole show!
- Network President: Look, I'm not gonna risk
the lives of the people at this network. Let's just forget aboat
it, okay guys? [farts and laughs. Terrance and Phillip look hard at
him, their arms crossed] Aw, come on guys, give me a break.
- Phillip: We demand you rerun Mystery at the
Lazy "J" Ranch with Muhammad uncensored!
- CBC President: Ey, I make the rules, not you
guys! And if you ask me, your show has become so preachy and full
of morals that you have forgotten how to be funny! No
Muhammad!
- Terrence: Hello Muhammad, we've read all aboot
you in the Qur'an.
- Mohammed: I'm here to investigate a
murder.
- Cartman: Good, Kyle! That's good anger you're
showing there! That's emotional character development based on
what's happening in the storyline! Not at all like Family Guy.
- SNN Anchor: Muslims continue to riot in the
Middle East, demanding that Family Guy not air tonight's episode.
And Muslim terrorists continue to make threats.
- Al-Zawahri: "Family Guy" better not show
Mohammed tonight. I'm serious. "Family Guy" isn't funny.
- SNN Anchor: Osama bin Laden had this to
say:
- Osama Bin Laden: If you look closely at the
writing in Family Guy, you will see that the jokes never derive
from the plot, and I think that's totally gay.
- SNN Anchor: Bin Laden went on to say that if
Family Guy shows the image of Muhammad as planned, the terrorist
retaliation will be immediate.
- Ayman Al-Zawahri: We warned you not to show
Mohammed - but "Family Guy" did it anyways. So now, here is our
retaliation on America!!!
- [the terrorists show a cartoon after Family Guy aired the
episode with Mohammed]
- American Male 1: [walks in] Hello, I am
American.
- American Male 2: [walks in] I'm American
too.
- American Male 1: We like to crap on each
other. [the men crap on each other]
- President Bush: [walks in]
Hello, I am the President Bush. I will crap on both of you. [craps
on both of them]
- American Male 2: Ugh! We love to crap!
- American Female: [walks in] I'm American. I'm
pregnant with a baby, but I'm not married.
- American Male 3: [walks in] Let's crap. [all
five of them begin crapping on each other and Jesus enters the
picture]
- Jesus: Look
at me! I'm Jesus! Would you like me to crap on you, Mr. Bush?
[craps on Bush. More Americans walk in and start crapping]
- All: Mmm, yummy yummy crap. [more people crap,
and an American flag appears under them, being crapped on]
- Ayman Al-Zawahri: Ha, ha! Take that! We burned
you! That was way funnier than "Family Guy".
- Cartman: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some
idea balls to pull from a manatee tank.
- Kyle: WHAT?!
- Towelie: How spicy would you like your Chang
sauce?
- Towelie: Don't call me shoeless! YOU'RE
shoeless!
- Book Publisher: Because they're people and
you're a towel.
- Towelie: You're a towel!
- Book Publisher: No , I'm a big book publisher
whos not the least bit interested in your stony memoirs, you're a
towel.
- Gary: Are we in Paris, Mingey?
- Oprah Fan: Burn that which lies to Oprah!
- Kyle: Did Cartman just crap treasure?
- Cartman: It's mine! I got it out of the cave!
It belongs to me!
- Mr. Mackey:Now today we have a special guest
speaker, does anyone know who our last vice-president was?
(breif silence)
- Kyle: Dick Cheney?
- Mr. Mackey: No, no the last one.
- Butters:Bill Clinton?
- Mr. Mackey: No, Clinton's Vice President.
(silence, no one knows who Al Gore is)
- Al Gore: I've killed ManBearPig!
- Cartman: If I miss dinner, I'm going to be so
pissed off!
- Al Gore: Everyone is super stoked on me, even
if they don't know it.
- Worker: What is that, a pigbearman?
- Al Gore: No, stupid, it's ManBearPig.
- Al Gore: It's a half-man, half-bear, and
half-pig.
- Al Gore: This looks like ManBearPig
central!
- Kyle: It's half-man, and half-bearpig.
- Cartman: No! It's half-man, half-bear, and
half-pig!
- Kyle: That doesn't make any sense.
- Stan: It could be half-bear and half
man-pig.
- Tour Guide: And that whistling sound is why we
call this the Cave of the Winds.
- Steven's Wife: Take a picture of the sound,
Steven.
- Al Gore: I can get you all excused from
school.
- Cartman: You...have that kind of power?
- Stan or Kyle: What do
ManBearPig droppings look like?
- Al Gore: Kind of like pig droppings but more
man-bear like.
- Al Gore: Excelsior!
- Al Gore: Kids I saved you.
- Stan: Stay away from us, asshole! I was nice
to you because I felt sorry for you, because you don't have any
friends. But now I see why you don't have any friends. You just use
'ManBearPig' as a way to get attention for yourself because you're
a loser!
- Al Gore: Yeah right. The man that single
handedly killed Manbearpig is a loser.
- Al Gore: I am here to educate you about the
single biggest threat to our planet. You see, there is something
out there which threatens our very existence and may be the end to
the human race as we know it. I'm talking, of course, about
Manbearpig. It is a creature which roams the Earth alone. It is
half man, half bear, and half pig. Some people say that Manbearpig
isn't real. Well , I'm here to tell you now, Manbearpig is very
real, and he most certainly exists—I'm serial. Manbearpig doesn't
care who you are or what you've done. Manbearpig simply wants to
get you. I'm super serial. But have no fear, because I am here to
save you. And someday, when the world is rid of Manbearpig,
everyone will say, "Thank you Al Gore—you're super awesome!" The
end.
- Al Gore: I'm super serial.
- Al Gore: Why does nobody believe that I'm
serial?
- Cave Ranger: Ok fellow tourists. Here in this
cave we can see some stalagmites and stalactites. Over here we have
the "Hanging Mushroom" [shows penis made out of rock], and
this one we call "Man With Helmet and Two Bowling Balls" [shows
penis and testicle combo], and over here we have "The Two
Sisters." [shows two penis & testicle combos]
- Cartman: I just... I really need the support
of my best friend right now.
- Jimmy: Who's your best friend?
- Cartman: You are, Jimmy! We've always been
best friends! We know everything about each other!
- Jimmy: What's my last name?
- Cartman: [pause] Goddammit.
- Cartman: God-dammit, Mom! I'm your son and you
will listen to me!
- Cesar Millan: TSST!!
- Cartman: All right, I'll stay with Kenny.
Let's go, man.
- Kenny: [Mumbles] Fuck you.
- Stella: I'm serious. Let's put down the video
game and go to the kitchen.
- Cartman: [said in British accent] No thanks,
I'd rahther naught.
- Stella: It's the time-out stool. You can't get
down until the time is up.
- Cartman: [looks at her, then hops off the
stool] Whoa, how did I do that?
- Cartman: You're sterile, is that it? No,
that's too convenient of an excuse. The truth is, nobody ever
wanted to have babies with you. Isn't that it? Always the mom's
maid and never the mom? Must be hard on you, knowing that the years
are ticking away, your friends all getting married and all the
while your uterus is slowly shriveling away, drying up, becoming
totally worthless.
- Cartman: Yes, let the anger come! Strike me
down while you can! But it won't make your dried-up ovaries any
more fertile!
- Supernanny Jo: From heeell! It's from
heeell!
- Cartman: Suck my asshole, taco vendor!
- Cartman: What the hell is this?! Skinless
chicken, boiled vegetables and salad?! This is just like
Auschwitz!
- Cartman: Yes! I've lost almost ten pounds now.
You see what I mean?? I totally know how it felt to be a Jew in the
Holocaust now!
- Cartman: Stop trying to bogart my X-Box you
fat bitch!
- Liane: And then we'll go to Target, and...
I'll buy you a Mega Ranger?
- Cartman: Could I have....two Mega
Rangers?
- Liane: You can have anything you want,
dear.
- *Camera focuses on cartman and damein music plays*
- Cartman: (as a dwarf warrior) Aw, dude! I just
took the biggest crap! Hey, where are you guys?
- Kyle: (as a female human mage) We're over
here, by the cart!
- Cartman: (approaches) Okay, sorry guys.
- Stan: (as a knight) Dude! We've been waiting
forever!
- Cartman: (as a dwarf warrior) Well I'm sorry,
you guys, but I had to take a dump!
- Kyle: (as female human mage) If you didn't eat
so much, you wouldn't have diarrhea all the time,
fat-ass!
- Cartman: (as a dwarf warrior) Hey, I don't
need to take any lip from a fricking girl!
- Kenny: (as a human archer) [mumbles]
I think Kyle has sweet titties, ha-ha-ha!
- Cartman: Heh-heh, totally!
- Randy: Stan! Stan!
- Stan: Hang on guys. My dad wants
something.
- Randy: Stan!
- Stan: What?!
- Randy: You've been on your computer all
weekend! Shouldn't you go out and socialize with your friends?
- Stan: I am socializing, r-tard! I'm logged on
to an MMORPG with people from all over the world and getting XP
with my party using team speak!
- Randy: (completely dumbfounded, long pause)
I'm not an r-tard...
- Kyle: Wow, look at all these people playing
right now!
- Cartman: Yeah, it's bull crap. I bet half of
these people are Koreans!
- Jim: I've got to get home! My kids are playing
World of Warcraft right now!
- Rob Pardo: Jim, your kid's characters are
already dead.
- Jim: No! They only just started playing!
- Rob Pardo: Whoever this person is, he's played
World of Warcraft nearly every hour of every day for the past two
years. Gentlemen, we are dealing with someone here who has
absolutely no life.
- Blizzard executive: How do you kill that which
has no life?
- Nelson: Randy, working on that sediment
analysis?
- Randy: Not now, Nelson. I just joined a big
party of Night Elves and we're on a mission to explore the Tower Of
Azora together.
- Nelson: Is that a computer game?
- Randy: No, r-tard, it's an MMORPG. These are
real people I'm playing with. See, I'm a hunter, level two. I can
chat with all these other people, and check it out, I can even wave
to this guy here. (he waves hello to another player, who waves
back) In the outside world I'm a simple geologist, but in here... I
am Valkor, defender of the Alliance. I have braved the Fargodeep
mines and defeated the Blood Fish at Jarod's La--
- [The Rogue walks up behind Valkor and stabs him
unexpectedly]
- Nelson: Looks like that guy just killed you.
(walks away)
- Randy: What? Why? WHY?!
- Cartman: If you had a chance right now to go
back in time and stop Hitler, would you do it? I mean, I personally
wouldn't stop him because I think he was awesome, but YOU would,
right?
- Clyde: I'm just going to stop playing.
- Cartman: When Hitler rose to power, there were
a lot of people who just stopped playing. You know who those people
were? The French. Are you French, Clyde?
- Clyde: No.
- Cartman: Voulez-vous coucher
avec moi, Clyde?
- Clyde: Okay, all right, I'll do it!
- Blizzard Executive: We can't give the Sword of
a Thousand Truths to a N00B!
- Randy: Stan! Stan!
- Stan: Dad, not now!
- Randy: Stan, I've been sent here... to give
you THIS. (holds up the Sword of 1000 Truths) This sword will
completely drain his mana!
- Stan: How did you get that?!
- Randy: No time! Just take it! Here!
- [long pause]
- Randy: Um, how do you hand items from one
player to another?
- Stan: Bring up your Inventory screen,
Ctrl-I!
- Randy: Okay...
- Cartman: Stan, what the hell are you
doing?!
- Stan: (receives sword) I got it!
- [The Rogue kills Randy's character]
- Stan: Dad!
- Randy: (weakly) Staaaan...
- Stan: (to The Rogue) You killed my father.
(strikes him) YAHHH!
- Cartman: His shield and armor spells are down!
Attack!
- [Kenny shoots Jenkins with an arrow; Kyle brings him down
with a fireball; Cartman approaches)
- Cartman: Looks like you're about to get pwned.
RAAAHHH! (smashes The Rogue's head in with a giant hammer)
- Butters: I don't play World of Warcraft.
- Cartman: Butters, you said you were on your
computer all the time.
- Butters: Yeah, but I'm playing Hello Kitty:
Island Adventure.
- [long pause]
- Cartman: (sighs) Butters, go buy World of
Warcraft, install it on your computer and join the online sensation
before we all murder you.
- Butters: Oh... all right, then.
- Cartman: Prepare to charge! Scroll over him
with your mouse cursors and... right click!
- Rob Pardo: Gentlemen, this could very well be
the end of the world... of Warcraft.
- Developer: No... NOOOOO!!!
- Rob: I don't have a World of Warcraft account,
do you?
- Mike: No, I have a life!
- Cartman: (all have died after attempting to
outnumber and overpower The Rogue Player, with only Cartman's
character left alive) No! Leave me alone! I don't wanna have to
start over at the graveyard! (he is killed) GOD FUCKING DAMN
IT!
- Stan: (after defeating The Rogue Player) That
was such uber-pwnage!
- Liane Cartman: (after Eric sprays shit in her
face as holds a bed pan underneath his ass) Oh, that's a big boy,
isn't he?
- [having saved the World of Warcraft by playing the game
non-stop for several months]
- Stan: I can't believe it's all over. What do
we do now?
- Cartman: What do you mean? Now we can finally
play the game.
- Kyle: Oh, yeah.
- Cartman: Okay Kenny, route Eye of the Beast to
your Hotbar.
- Kyle: [after the conspiracy is blown]
So who caused 9/11?
- Stan: What do you mean? A bunch of pissed off
Muslims.
- Hardly Boy: Yeah, what are you, retarded?
- [Kyle, Stan, Cartman and Kenny are standing in the school
hallway.]
- Kyle: You know that 1/4 of Americans are
retarded right?
- Stan: Yeah, at least 1/4.
- Kyle: Here, let's do a test. [to
Cartman] There are four of us here, you're retarded, that's
1/4.
- George W. Bush: Shut up! You think we don't
know your name? We know everything. We control everything. We've
all worked very hard to keep our involvement in 9/11 a secret. But
you just had to keep digging.
- Kyle: Really?
- Head of the conspiracy group: You won't get
away with it! People know!
- George W. Bush: People, you mean sheeple. We
have the majority of them kept in blissful ignorance. Just one more
leak to fix.
- Head of the conspiracy group: Wait, what are
you doing?
- George W. Bush: You've been a thorn in our
side for too long, I'm afraid.
- Head of the conspiracy group: No! You can't do
this! Please! I'll stop, I'll take down the website.
- George W. Bush: Too late.
- [Head of the conspiracy group pleads for his life, then
Bush shoots him in the head.]
- Stan: Jesus Christ!
- Donald Rumsfeld: Ha ha ha, he died like a
pig.
- George W. Bush: Some pigs never learn.
- Kyle: No way.
- Stan: He was right, you did cause 9/11!
- George W. Bush: Yes, quite simple to pull off
really, all I had to do was have explosives planted in the base of
the towers, then on 9/11 we pretended like 4 planes were being
hijacked when really we just rerouted them to Pennsylvania then
flew 2 military jets into the World Trade Centers filled with more
explosives then shot all the witnesses of flight 93 with an F15
after blowing up the Pentagon with a cruise missle. It was only the
world's most intricate and flawlessly executed plan, ever,
ever.
- Kyle: Really?!
- Mr.Mackey: Now you might all think I've given
up finding who crapped in the urinal, m'kay. And maybe, maybe you
think it's a victimless crime. This is Mister Venezuela, the school
janitor, m'kay. He's the person who has to clean up when some
trickster drops a dookie in the wrong toilet. Mr. Venezuela makes
six bucks an hour at best! M'kay? He's got three kids at home, he's
got a car that barely works he's gotta clean up puke with sawdust,
m'kay. And then he walks into the boy's room and sees a big meaty
chud staring him in the face. So when you crapped in that urinal,
m'kay, you might as well just dropped your pants and laid a turd
right on Mr. Venezuela's head.
- [Children laugh.]
- Mr. Mackey: Oh, you think that's funny, huh?
Yeah, that's real funny!
- Head of the conspiracy group: You don´t
understand! The government controls everything! The media, the
corporations, they have the power to do anything they want. Here
look, read the labels. Go on, read them.
- Kyle: "Code 234."
- Head of the conspiracy group: We think they
came from a government office.
- Kyle: What is it?
- Head of the conspiracy group: It's
anthrax.
- Police Chief: This is too big a mystery for
me, I think we better call in the Hardly Boys!
- Mr. Mackey: Oh no, not the god damn--
- [Hardly Boys Music hits and cut to the Hardly Boys intro
video.]
- Announcer: The Hardly Boys: two young
whippersnappers with a taste for solving mysteries. The Hardly Boys
in: The case of the World Trade Center conspiracy.
- Mr. Mackey: Why, Clyde? Why did you do
it?
- Clyde: I dunno.
- Mr. Mackey: You got a whole school here,
Clyde! M'kay? You got over 300 people that need to use the boys
room, and you decide your gonna be a comedian, m'kay, and pinch one
off in the urinal and leave it laying there for everyone to look
at?!
- [Clyde begins to chuckle.]
- Mr. Mackey: M'kay, m'kay, you think it's funny
but nobody else does; they're gonna walk in that bathroom and see
your rancid duke prob up against to back of the wall like a brown
rag doll!
- [Clyde starts laughing.]
- Principal Victoria: Mr Mackey, Clyde's parents
are here.
- Mr. Mackey: Oh, that's good! Let's see what
your mom and dad has to say about your little poop-scpade! Come on
in, please, I'm trying to get your son to explain why he would drop
a duke in the urinal!
- Clyde's Dad: Mr Mackey, there's something you
should know.
- Mr. Mackey: Attention students. Apparently
Clyde could not have been the one who crapped in the urinal,
because Clyde had a colostomy at age five. M'kay. Now whoever did
this unspeakable act is still at large. The boys bathroom is closed
until further notice, because one of you thought it would be a good
idea to pull down your pants, m'kay, hover your butt cheeks over
the urinal, and squeeze out a chocolate hotdog, m'kay.
- [Students laugh.]
- Mr. Mackey: Oh, ya think that's funny, huh?
Let me assure you, there is nothing funny about going up to a nice,
clean, unsuspecting urinal, m'kay, dropping your pants, then
turning around, squatting over that urinal, m'kay, maybe, maybe,
pulling your butt cheeks apart with your hands, m'kay, and then
laying out a big fudge dragon for all the world to see.
- Mr. Mackey [to Stan]: When you dook in the
urinal, it's bad, m'kay. How would YOU feel, if someone came into
your home, m'kay, pulled down their pants and laid a big mud monkey
right on your mom's face!
- [Stan laughs.]
- Mr. Mackey: Oh, you think that's funny, huh?!
Yeah, that's REAL funny!
- Cartman As The Dawg: Go with Christ,
brah.
- Various men: Nice…
- Reporter: Tom, an elementary school teacher is
under arrest for allegedly having an affair - with one of her young
students. The case is shocking, due mostly to the fact that the
teacher is pretty hot, Tom. If the accusations are true, then,
damn!
- Cartman As The Dawg: Hall pass! Show me
your hall pass!
- Kid: What?
- [Cartman slams kid up against the lockers pining him in the
process.]
- Cartman As The Dawg: You know what this
is?!
- [Holds up the bear mace for the kid to see.]
- Cartman As The Dawg: This is the mace they
use on bears, faggot! Now let me see your hall pass!
- Kid: [holds up hall pass] It's right
here.
- Cartman As The Dawg: Alright, cool, brah. Go
with Christ.
- [Cartman starts to walk away.]
- Kid: What, you can't just push me up against
the--?
- [Cartman kicks the kid, sending him flying off
screen.]
- Kyle: [to Stan and Kenny] Guys, can I
talk to you?
- Stan: Sure, dude.
- Kyle: I need you to keep quiet about this, all
right?
- [Cartman walks up.]
- Kyle: My little brother and his teach—-
- Cartman As The Dawg: Brahs, it's almost class
time. Need ya start clearing the hallways, alright?
- Kyle: Not now, Cartman, I have really serious
problems!
- Stan: Dude, what's the matter?
- Kyle: The kindergarten teacher is having sex
with my little brother.
- [Long silence.]
- Stan: Wow.
- Kenny: Really?!
- Cartman As The Dawg: Damn, brah, your lil'
brother is pretty cool.
- Kyle: It's not cool, Ike isn't old enough to
understand.
- Cartman As The Dawg: What's there to
understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around a bit, then
stick it inside her and pee.
- [Long pause.]
- Kyle: [sarcastically] Stick it inside
her and pee?
- Cartman As The Dawg: Well, okay, fine, unless
you don't want her to get pregnant. Then you pull it out and pee on
her leg.
- Stan: Dude, I really don't see a problem.
- Cartman As The Dawg: Yeah, I got bigger things
to deal with.
- Kyle: You guys don't understand. His wacko
teacher's like a schoolgirl! They pass notes in the classroom, they
have sex at her house over lunch break.
- [Cartman starts to walk off.]
- Kyle: And during class they sneak out and kiss
in the hallways.
- [Cartman pauses.]
- Cartman As The Dawg: They what?
- Kyle: They sneak out during class and make out
in the hallways.
- Cartman As The Dawg: [turns around]
Hang on a second, Making out in the hallways is strictly against
school policy.
- Kyle: Well, they're doing it.
- Cartman As The Dawg: Yeah, well now it's
personal.
- Cartman As The Dawg: [sings]
- The fear of darkness is all around you
- The criminal are on the run
- Now you better bring your hall pass
- I'll take you to the principal office cause I'm the Dawg
- I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg
- The hallway monitor
- Cartman As The Dawg: [sings]
- I got some bad-ass guys to help me
- I only have to pay them fifteen bucks
- If you think you can get away without having a hall pass
- You won't get away from me, 'cause I'm the Dawg
- I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg
- Think you can get away without having a hall pass, think
again.
- Cop: Hey kid, you need to get off the roof
now.
- Cartman As The Dawg: That's cool, I'm done
making my video anyways.
[after Miss Stevenson has killed herself]
- Cartman As The Dawg: Well, once again, The
Dawg has prevailed. I hope you've learned kids, that if you don't
go with Christ, you could end up just like that splattered bitch
down on the pavement.
- Cartman As The Dawg: We can do this the easy
way or we can do it Dawggie style.
- Kyle: Hello, my name is Brad. I need to report
a crime-anonymously.
- Sgt Yates: Okay, Brad, what's the crime?
- Kyle: I attend South Park Elementary, and one
of the teachers is having sex with a student.
- All Policemen: (pause for a moment, then a
dramatic uproar) Oh my God! (Sgt Yates and Murphy stand near Kyle,
Murphy is holding a notebook).
- Sgt Yates: You did the right thing telling the
police, Brad. So who is this teacher-what is his name?
- Kyle: Well, it isn't a guy teacher,
it's a woman.
- Sgt Yates: (sounding surprised) a woman? But
she's ugly, right?
- Kyle: No, not really. It's the Kindergarten
teacher, Miss Stephenson.
- Sgt Yates: (even more surprised) the
blon?
- Kyle: Yeah.
- Another policeman: Miss Stephenson is having
sex with a student?
- Kyle: Yeah.
- Sgt Yates: Nice. You're sure they've had
sex?
- Kyle: Yes.
- Sgt Yates: Has she performed oral sex on
him?
- Kyle: I think so.
- Officers: Nice.
- Sgt Yates: Wait, what's the crime?
- Policeman: The crime is she's not doing it
with me! (policemen laugh)
- Kyle: What? He's totally underage! She's
taking advantage of him!
- Sgt Yates: You're right. This is serious. We
must find this kid and give him his "Luckiest Boy in America" medal
right away! (policemen laugh again. Kyle howls in frustration
and runs off)
- Butters: Hey there Mr. Weiner, what do you
know. Do you have to tinkle, tinkle? Yes, I do think so.
- Cartman: 'Kay so then, I put my finger up my
butthole, right? And I walked up to Kelly Nelson and say, "Do you
smell Lemongrass?" And smelled my finger and puked! (laughs) Oh,
God. You should've been there.
- Hall Monitor: Eric, I have to report you to
the principal's office.
- Cartman: What?! I didn't do anything! Kelly
Nelson is a liar!
- Hall Monitor: I've been assigned to take you
to the principal's office.
- Cartman: Aw, suck my balls, you ginger-jew-rat
hall monitor! Punk-ass stoolie. Who the fuck do you think you
are?!
- Satan's minion: Satan, we have a problem.
- Satan: What?
- Satan's minion: One of the guests has turned
up in a crocodile hunter costume, and it's really offending some of
the other guests!
- Satan: Oh jeez (Walks across the party to a
guest in a crocodile hunter outfit) Erm, er, dude, the whole
crocodile hunter thing, it's just a little soon, you know. I mean,
He only died a few weeks ago! It's just not cool, gotta leave.
- Steve Irwin: But it's me Satan, Steve Irwin! I
am the crocodile hunter!
- Satan: Oh. oh but then dude, no costume, Sorry
you're gonna have to go!
- Steve Irwin: (Being dragged away) Wait! I
thought we were friends!
- Satan: Oh hey Sinatra!
- Satan: (having been told his guests don't care
about the Acura cake) It's not about them, it's about
me-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e!!
- Satan's minion: Wow, what a jerk!
- Satan: (to crowd) Everybody, I'm sorry.
Halloween is for you. It's for all of you who make my life so
special. If I don't realise that, then I'm no better than a rich American teenage
girl.
- Butters: But Dad, Biggie Smalls is gonna
bust a cap in my ass!
- Satan: Then, at midnight for dessert, I was
thinking we could bring out a giant chocolate fondue fountain.
- Hotel owner: Oh yeah. P. Diddy had his
birthday here a couple of years back and he had one of those.
- Satan: Oh, screw that then. I don't want a
fondue fountain if P. Diddy had one.
- Satan's minion: Does it matter?
- Satan: Yes, it matters! I don't want to do it
if Diddy did it.
- Satan's minion: How about a donut
machine?
- Satan: (to hotel owner) did Diddy do it?
- Hotel owner: Diddy did do it.
- Satan: A full ice cream bar!
- Hotel owner: Diddy did it.
- Satan: Dammit, what didn't Diddy do?!
- Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist
Allegiance): Science damn you, Unified Atheist
Alliance!
- Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist
Allegiance): Know this, time child! I shall smash your
skull like a clam on my tummy!
- Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist
Allegiance): I shall personally kill the time child, and
eat his entrails on my tummy!
- Ms. Garrison: I'm not a monkey! I'm a
woman.
- Kyle: [to Cartman] Yeah, I hate you,
but I'm not going to help kill you!
- Cartman: I thought you were my friends! I
guess I was wrong! After all we've been through together,
you guys won't even help me freeze myself.
- Cartman: Okay, how long until the Nintendo Wii
comes out?
- Stan: It's still three weeks.
- Cartman: Oh, God! [pause] Okay, how
long is it now?
- Kyle: Will you shut up already?
- Ms. Garrison: Okay children, it is now my job
to teach you the theory of evolution.
- Butters: Oh, boy!
- Ms. Garrison: Now, I for one think that
evolution is a bunch of bullcrap, but I'm told I have to
teach it anyway. [speaking of evolution] It was thought up
by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this. In the beginning
we were all fish, okay, swimming around in the water. And then one
day a couple of fish had a retard baby, and the retard baby was
different, so it got to live. So retard fish goes on to make more
retard babies, and then one day a retard baby fish crawled out of
the ocean with itsmutant fish hands, and it had butt-sex
with a squirrel or something, and made this retard frog-squirrel,
and then that had a retard baby which was a monkey-fish-frog, and
then this monkey-fish-frog had butt-sex with that monkey; that
monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey and
that made you. So there you go. You're the retarded
offspring of five monkeys having butt-sex with a
fish-squirrel!! Congratulations!
- Cartman: Arrrghh! I can't take it
anymore!! [runs of screaming]
- Ms. Garrison: See, I knew that would
happen.
- EV Games Employee: [to Cartman] Look,
kid, for the 40th time: pacing in front of the store isn't going to
make the Wii come any faster.
- Ms. Garrison: Then if I'm a monkey, I might as
well act like one. [starts acting like a monkey, pulls down her
pants]
- Richard Dawkins: What on Earth are you
doing?!
- [Garrison defecates in her hand.]
- Ms. Garrison: Don't ask me! I'm just a fucking
monkey!!
- [She throws feces at Dawkins' face.]
- United Athiest League member: Our answer to
the Great Question is the only logical one. Our Science is great.
Let us not forget the great Richard Dawkins who finally freed the
world of religion long ago. Dawkins knew that logic and reason were
the way of the future, but it wasn't until he met his beautiful
wife that he learned using logic and reason isn't enough. You have
to be a dick to everyone who doesn't think like you.
- [Richard Dawkins runs out Mrs. Garrison's house after
discovering she had a sex change.]
- Ms. Garrison: Fine then! Go ahead and leave,
you atheist faggot! Have fun mocking God in hell, you queer!
- Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist
Allegiance): Kill the table-eaters, IN THE NAME OF
ALMIGHTY SCIENCE!
- K-10: I missed you, bark bark.
- Eric Cartman:Suck my balls
K-10, I'm not in the mood
- [The county official takes out a record player and it
begins playing a bass rhythm.]
- County official: Stan Marsh is a bright young
man. He's got a great family, a promising paper route. Only problem
is...[record scratch]...his bike's been impounded! But
now, he's about to find out that getting his bike back isn't so
easy!
- County official: Stan Marsh is a washed-up
fourth grader. He's got no job, no bicycle! And his only way out is
to coach...[record scratch]...a pee-wee hockey team! And
now, he's about to find out that to coach, you've got to grow.
- Number 8: Coach, I have to go potty!
- Stan: All right, fine, go
ahead.
- Number 8: By myself?
- Stan: Just, hold it a while, okay?
- Number 7: What does 'passing' mean?
- Stan: When you shoot the puck to another
player!
- Number 15: My mommy says I'm as big as the
sky!
- Number 3: Coach, Morgan spit on my foot!
- Number 6 (Morgan): I did not!
- Number 6: Coach, please don't let us lose to
Adams County. My daddy will beat me again.
- Randy Marsh: Your mother's been worried sick!
And I've been watching TV.
- Randy Marsh: Have you forgotten what happened
all those years ago? Or are you just trying to make up for it?
- Stan: [frustrated] What are you
talking about?
- Randy Marsh: Your pee-wee hockey game! At the
Pepsi Center? In-between periods of the Colorado Avalanche?
- Stan: I remember going to Shakey's
afterwards...
- Dr. Doctor: That kid's got as much hope as
Steve Irwin in a tank full of stingrays.
Season 11
- Randy: Oh, all
right, I'd like to solve the puzzle...: Niggers!
- Principal Victoria:
Stacy, go ahead and send in Eric Cartman.
- [Cartman enters the room and starts laughing at Dr.
Nelson.]
- Principal Victoria: Eric, Mr. Nelson is
concerned about how you react to little people.
- Cartman: Oh. Did I hurt its
little feelings? Ha ha ha!
- Dr. Nelson: You know, you think you have the
power to make me insecure, but your words are actually completely
powerless.
- Cartman: Oh-oh-oh-oh! If we could get, like, 8
of these, we can dress them all up like little beavers, right? And
then put them in a pond, and see if they'll build a dam!
- Dr. Nelson: You see? No matter what you say,
I'm still standing!
- Cartman: Barely!
- Dr. Nelson: No matter how you act, I can rise
above it!
- Cartman: Rise above it! Get it? Like he can
rise above anything!
- Dr. Nelson: Shut your fucking mouth!
- Principal Victoria: Mr. Nelson!
- Dr. Nelson: He didn't get to me. I was just
joking.
- Cartman: Look, look how its face gets all red.
It's like a little strawberry.
- Dr. Nelson: Arrh!
- Stan: I get it now. After that
little person talked the other day, I understand how you feel about
somebody saying the N-word.
- Token: So black people are
midgets?
- Stan: Goddammit!
- Token: Jesse Jackson is not the Emperor of
Black People!
- [Token walks away.]
- Stan: [long pause] He told my dad he
was.
- Kids: [Cartman enters the gym] Hello,
fatso.
- Cartman: Ey! What the hell is that? You think
that's fucking funny?! Kyle, did you put everyone up to this? I bet
you did! What the hell is going on?
- Dr. Nelson: Now you know how it feels.
- [Cartman starts laughing again.]
- Dr. Nelson: You better shut up or I'm gonna
kick your ass!
- Cartman: All right, all right, who is the
fricking genius who dressed it up in little suspenders? Clyde, was
that you?
- Randy:Words with venom, words that bind, words
used like weapons to cloud my mind./I'm a person, I'm a man./But no
matter how hard I try. People just say 'Hey, there goes that Nigger
Guy.'/Everywhere I go, it's always the same.I can't get away from
that terrible name:/'Hey Nigger guy, nigger guy, nigger guy.
Stop!'/Now go, call me nigger guy, fill me with your hate/Try to
bring me down, ohh up, you're too late!/Someone beat you to it. But
my dream will not die. To be thought of as more than just 'Nigger
Guy.' [Pause] Respect.
- Cartman: You guys! I got it! Seriously! It's
the greatest picture ever! Oh my God!
- Stan: Whatcha do to Butters this time?
- Cartman: It was genius! I waited 'til he was
totally asleep, right? And then I got my camera, and I pulled down
his pants, and then I took a picture of his wiener in my mouth!
(He cracks up at his own cleverness)
- Stan: Dude!
- Cartman: I know, I know. Check it out. Look.
(The other three crowd in and look at the picture) I got
his whole wiener in my mouth, see? Ha ha. Oh man, I got him
good!
- Stan: Dude, how is putting Butters' wiener in
his mouth getting him?
- Cartman: Because that makes Butters gay
now!
- Kyle: No, dude, that makes you
gay!
- Cartman: Uh, what?
- Kyle: You put a guy's wiener in your mouth,
that makes you gay, stupid!
- Cartman: (Looks more closely at the
picture) Nuh-uh.
- Kyle: Yeah-huh!
- Cartman: Kenny, that doesn't make me gay,
huh?
- Kenny: (muffled) Ha-ha, that makes
you very fucking gay.
- Cartman: But I'm not--I'm not gay, you
guys!
- Stan: You are now.
- Cartman: No--no, it was a stupid mistake!
- Kyle: Doesn't matter. You're gay now.
- Cartman: No, it was just for a second!
(Seeing that his plan has backfired, he puts the picture
away) What--What can I do? How--How can I reverse this?
- Stan: You can't!
- Kyle: No--no wait. I--I know how you can
reverse it, Cartman.
- Cartman: How?
- Kyle: The only way you can cancel it out is to
get Butters to put your wiener in his mouth.
- Cartman: (in low voice) Really?
- Kyle: Yeah. Then it cancels out the gay
polarity.
- [long silence]
- Cartman: Shit, I gotta find Butters! (He
runs off)
- Kyle: Idiot.
- [Butters is playing with his toys]
- Butters: Loo Loo Loo, I've got some
apples, Loo Loo Loo, You've got some too. Loo Loo Loo...
- [Cartman enters the room]
- Cartman: Butters.
- Butters: Whoa, hey, Eric.
- Cartman: Butters, guess what? I have a
surprise for you.
- Butters: A surprise? What is it?
- Cartman: It's so fucking awesome. You're gonna
be so stoked. It's the best surprise ever!
- Butters: Oh, boy!
- Cartman: You ready?
- Butters: Y-yeah!
- Cartman: Okay! Just open your mouth and close
your eyes and--and get on your knees!
- [Butters closes his eyes, opens his mouth, and gets on his
knees]
- Butters: Oh, OK!
- [Cartman grabs a bandanna from his back pocket and makes a
blindfold from it, then puts it on Butters]
- Cartman: Hang on a second here. (He makes
sure the blindfold is on snugly)
- Butters: How come, uh, I can't see?
- Cartman: 'Cause then it wouldn't be a
surprise, would it? (He rushes off to get the toy
box)
- Butters: Oh, uh, ho, yeah.
- Cartman: (under his breath) All
right, that's good. (He undoes his pants) OK, open your
mouth, Butters. (He lowers them) That's good, just like
that.
- Butters: (now wary) Hey. Hey wait a
minute. This ain't a trick, is it? You're not gonna, eh, stick
something yucky in my mouth, are ya?
- Cartman: I swear on my mother's life, Butters,
I am not going to stick anything yucky in your mouth. (He lifts
up his shirt to show his massive gut)
- Butters: OK!
- Cartman: All right, you ready? (He grabs
Butters' head and draws it closer to his own penis) All right
just--okay, open, uh, OK, OK, here it comes. Just sit very still,
OK? Here we go.
- [At that moment the door opens and Butters' dad
enters]
- Steven Stotch: Butters!
- Cartman: Uh! (He dresses
quickly.)
- Butters: Whoa! Hey, Dad!
- (Cartman steps down from the toy box and runs
away)
- Steven: Butters! What are you doing?!
- Butters: I'm getting a surprise! (He
points to his mouth)
- Steven: Oh my God! My, my only son, reduced to
this! (He takes the blindfold off of Butters)
- Butters: (looks around) Hey. Where'd
Eric go?
- Steven: (quite concerned, on bended
knee) Butters, how long have you been doing stuff like
this?
- Butters: Like what?
- Steven: Don't lie to me, Butters! I know your
secret now! No, wait, wait. It's OK. It's OK, Butters. This isn't a
serious problem. You're just bi-curious.
- Butters: What's...bi-curious?
- Steven: You are. Just harmless curiosity, and
it doesn't mean anything. We just need to get you some help,
Butters.
- [Butters' mom appears at the doorway]
- Linda Stotch: What's going on, you two?
- Butters: Nothing, Mom, I'm just a little
bi-curious. (He smiles)
- [Cartman is trying to retrieve the picture of Butters'
penis in Cartman's mouth, but it's nowhere to be found. Stan, Kyle,
and Kenny are playing basketball at the community park]
- Stan: Aw, man, I've got H.O.R.S. now. (He
steps aside as Kenny receives the ball)
- Kyle: Okay, my turn. (Kenny gives him the
ball and Kyle prepares to shoot. Cartman approaches the park behind
him)
- Cartman: Where is it, you filthy
Jew?!
- Kyle: (throws up the ball) Where's
what?
- [Cartman grabs Kyle by the collar and shakes him
violently]
- Cartman: You know goddamn well
what!
- Kyle: Let go of me!
- Stan: What the hell are you doing,
Cartman?!
- Cartman: I went home to alter the picture of
me with Butters' penis in my mouth to look like Kyle, but it was
gone! (He shakes Kyle again) What did you do with my
picture?!
- Kyle: Knock it off! I don't have your stupid
picture!
- [Cartman rolls up his sleeves]
- Cartman: Give it back, Kyle!
- Kyle: I don't have it!
- [Cartman stretches his arms left and right, then up and
down]
- Cartman: I swear to God, Kyle, if you don't
give it back right now, (He puts up his fists as if to
box) I'm gonna break your fucking Jew legs right here.
- Kyle: Shut up.
- Cartman: You shut up! You're lying,
(He points an accusing finger at Stan and Kenny) and
you two are covering up for him! You know what? You're
just like Jews yourselves! (He points to Stan) Stan,
you're a Jew, (He then points to Kenny) and Kenny, you're
a Jew! You're all Jews!
- [Kyle punches him on the right arm once, firmly]
- Cartman: Ow! (He puts his left
hand over his right arm) Ow! Aaargh! (He
grimaces, turns around, and runs out of the park,
screaming)
- [Butters and Bradley, his roommate at church camp, are
writing verses after Bradley got them in trouble.]
- Bradley: Butters, I'm sorry for getting you
into trouble.
- Butters: Aw, that's OK, Bradley.
- Bradley: I really want to get better. I do
everything the counselors say, but somehow I still feel
confused.
- Butters: Yeah, well, hopefully when we finish
these verses, we won't be bi-curious no more and then we can go
home!
- Bradley: You're really terrific, Butters. I
mean, I think you're great. (smiles, then pauses, becoming
horrified.) UH-OH. OH,GOD. Bad thoughts! Bad thoughts!
(jumps out of chair, panicked.)
- Butters: What's the matter?
- Bradley: I-I think I...I think I like
you.
- Butters: Well, I like you too, Bradley!
- Bradley: YOU DO?! You like-like
me?!
- Butters: Sure, Bradley! I like-like you a
lot-lot! Hahaha!
- Bradley: OH GOD. WE'RE BOTH UNFIXABLE.
- Mrs. Garrison: All right,
students, let's take our seats. Apparently we have a little problem
here at the school which we need to talk about.
- Cartman: Ah, yes. [points to Kyle]
You mean the Jew problem. Good, good. I'm glad we're going to
finally do something about it.
- Cartman: We all know the only person who can
spread the lice here is Kenny and the Jew.
- Kenny: (muffled) What?! Fuck
you!
- [Clyde is in the waiting room awaiting treatment for his
lice]
- Girl: I have an ear infection. What are you here
for?
- Clyde: I have...I have AIDS.
- [Kenny's parka is pulled off and thrown away, leaving only
his underpants]
- Cartman: All right, Kenny, you know what has
to happen. Sock bath! Everyone wash Kenny with the soap and dry him
off with the socks! (The students attack Kenny)
- Kenny: [unmuffled] No, no, not the
socks! No!
- Hillary
Clinton: What is going on, Brian?
- Brian: Ms. Clinton, it appears that terrorists
have snuck a snuke up your sniz.
- Hillary Clinton: [fanning face] Oh
my.
- Brian: What can we do? Can we disable the
timer?
- Alan Thompson: It won't have a timer. Snukes
are detonated remotely. Whoever our terrorist is has the detonator
with him.
- Brian: But then that means--
- Alan Thompson: Yes. If we don't find that
detonator, everyone in the town of South Park is going to die.
Forever.
- Cartman: Do you know what this is? This is
apple juice! It gives me super-bad farts!
- Homeland Security Head: Ferris, set up over
there. Two of you can take that bed area.
- Kyle: Hey!
- Homeland Security Head: Donner, take over that
station.
- Kyle: What's going on?
- Homeland Security Head: This department is
being absorbed by Homeland
Security.
- Kyle: Homeland Security?
- Homeland Security Head: Look, your little game
of going over people's heads is over. You can still work, but from
now on you answer to me. You got that?
- FBI Head: Excuse me, who's in charge
here?
- Homeland Security Head: I am.
- FBI Head: Yeah, well, not anymore you're not.
This department has just been assigned to the FBI.
- Homeland Security Head: That's outrageous! On
whose orders?
- FBI Head: On order of the Secretary of Defense. You had
your shot, now I'm in charge.
- ATF Head: Not anymore you're not. Orders just
came down from Central. They want ATF
handling this on all fronts. All right, people, from now on you're
answering to me.
- President's Staff Head: Not anymore they're
not. Orders from the President. He wants this handled by his staff
personally. Now Nelson is in charge.
- Nelson: Not anymore I'm not! [Awkward
silence in room]
- Staff Assistant: Sir, these kids are right.
We've just received intel that Russian terrorists are believed to
be responsible for the threat.
- Staff Head: Where's the intel from?
- Staff Assistant: We just read it on Drudge Report.
- Staff Head: We do this my way! I'm the one in
charge!
- Kyle: [pauses] Not anymore you're not.
- Staff Head: Oh, snap. [walks off,
depressed]
- Alan Thompson: The game is over! Get down on
the ground!
- Vladimir Stolfsky: How did they find us?
- Alan Thompson: We know about everything. Your
diversion to help the redcoats is
over.
- Vladimir Stolfsky: It doesn't matter. The
detonator is on a timer. You are too late. In 3 minutes--
- [Power outage]
- Vladimir Stolfsky: What the hell?
- SWAT Team Member: The power went
out.
- Alan Thompson: So then what time is it?
- [Power returns and clock is stuck on 12:00:00]
- Vladimir Stolfsky: Oh, crap!
- [Cartman on Easter Bunny's lap in the mall]
- Cartman: ...and I want a Baltor soldier doll
for Easter, and 5 crash-and-go RC cars, you got that? DO YOU HAVE
THAT?!
- Easter Bunny: Uh...don't you think
that's....
- Cartman: No! No! You don't ask me questions!
You are a rabbit. I am a human. If you don't bring me what I want
for Easter, I can fuckin' kill you!
- [Camerawoman takes a picture of Cartman and Easter Bunny.
Cartman leaves]
- Cartman: [happily] Bye, Easter
Bunny!
- Easter Bunny: Oh my God!
[Ninjas enter Professor Teabag's mansion and sneak up behind
the butler, who is polishing silver. The butler senses and turns to
see them.]
- Butler: MR TEABAG, GET OUT!!! [ninjas kill
him]
- Stan: They found me!!
- Prof. Teabag: Boys, get out of here. (opens a
window and lets Stan and Kyle down a ladder) Head to the woods,
I'll try to buy you some time. (goes over to table and gets a box
of marshmallow peeps.)
- Ninja: (distantly) Check upstairs! (Teabag
puts peeps into oven) Kitchen's clear, try the office! (Teabag sets
oven for 15 seconds. Ninja bursts through the door) In here...
(ninja follows and notices peeps in oven) What's that? (peeps swell
in oven as microwave ticks down. Teabag closes his eyes) PEEPS!!
(oven explodes. Explosion kills Teabag and ninjas and destroys
mansion).
- [In a Vatican Holding Cell]
- Jesus: We have no choice, Kyle, You're going
to have to kill me.
- Kyle: What!
- Jesus: Stab me with this! [Shows Kyle the nail
file] If I die I can resurrect outside the bars.
- Kyle: No way! Do it yourself.
- Jesus: Suicide is blasphemy. There's no choice
here, Kyle.
- Kyle: Dude, you don't understand. I'm a Jew. I
have a few hang-ups about killing Jesus.
- Jesus: Just make it quick, through the neck,
I'll rise again immediately.
- Kyle: Don't make me do this.
- Jesus: My son, there is no time, DO IT!
- Kyle: ...Eric Cartman can never know about
this.
- Jesus: I understand, and Kyle...Happy
Easter.
- Kyle: Happy Easter, Jesus. [Stabs Jesus in
neck]
- Jesus: [Makes dying noises and runs around
cell bleeding to death]
- Kyle: Jesus?
[Mrs. Garrison "defends" a lesbian bar, called "Les Bos", from a
Persian takeover]
- Mrs. Garrison: Would you allow straight people
in? Men?!
- Persian Messenger: Well, we would allow
whoever--
- Mrs. Garrison: Choose your next words
carefully, Persian!
- Persian Messenger: Look, pal, we don't have to
offer you anything, so...I don't know why you're being so
difficult. This is crazy!
- Mrs. Garrison: No. This isn't crazy.
This...is..."Les Bos"!
[Mrs. Garrison kicks the Persian Messenger in the balls, in
slow motion. The Persian Messenger screams in slow-motion
agony.]
- Fellow Messenger: How dare you!
[Mrs. Garrison twists her body in slow motion à la
Oracle Girl from 300.]
- Mrs. Garrison: Scissor me timbers!
- Mrs. Garrison: I saw the way you were looking
at me. Scissoring me with your eyes.
- Mrs. Garrison: I mean, really I don't even
understand how two women can make love, unless they just kind of
scissor or something.
- Mrs. Garrison: Children, I have to tell you
something that you might find shocking. [Mrs. Garrison
sighs] I'm gay.
- Stan: Again?
- Mrs. Garrison: I know you're actually a
woman.
- Xerxes: How...? How did you find that
out?
- Mrs. Garrison: I hired Mexicans to spy on you!
They saw you working out at Curves.
- Xerxes: You don't understand. Women can't be
the boss in Persian culture. Nobody can know about this.
- Cartman: [jumps off his skateboard]
Yes! I did it! [tosses his helmet away] I jumped over the
homeless! [turns around] Yes!
- Kenny: (Ye-es!)
- Stan: That was a sweet idea, Kyle.
[smiles]
- Kyle: Goddammit, that wasn't my idea!
- Randy: Wah-h-h! I don't have any more change!
[makes his way through the crowd of bums] No-o! I don't have any
change! I don't have any cha-a-a-nge!! [disappears under
the sea of homeless people]
- Chris Swollenballs: In the meantime, South
Park citizens are being advised to stay indoors and protect their
change.
- Bum 9: [appears behind him in the newsroom]
Spare some change?
- Chris: What the...? You can't be in here.
- Bum 9: Ya got any change, sir?
- Chris: No I don't have any change. How did he
get in here?
- Bum 10: Cha-a-a-a-a-nge?
- Chris: No, please. I don't have any change.
Honest, I don't. I don't have any! [PLEASE STAND BY screen
pops up, station goes off the air]
- Gerald: Don't have any change. Don't have any
change. Dammit! All right, you want change? Here. [reaches into his
left pocket and tosses some change off to his left] There! There's
some change. All right, a little bit. [reaches into his right
pocket and tosses some change off to his right] There you go. Take
the change. [leaves, but stops himself] Oh wait. Wait, now I don't
have any change left for the bus. Hold on. Can I just get back some
of that change, please?
- Bum 12: Change, sir?
- Gerald: Can I have just a little change for
the bus, please? I need a little--anybody have some change? Change?
Got any change? [Randy follows Gerald through his binoculars]
Change. Change? [Randy lowers his binoculars in horror]
- Steven: What happened?
- Randy:[closes his eyes] He's become one of
them.
- Steve: Oh, God. One of them is a war veteran.
[more knocking] We're gonna have to give him some change.
- Homeless Advisor: They feed on our change.
They need it in order to keep them moving
- Bum 14: Is that...is that some spare
change?
- Homeless Advisor: Somehow they're able to take
our change and turn it into nourishment, sustenance.
- Bum 14: Spare some of that change, sir?
- Homeless Advisor: But now watch. [drops some
coins into the bum's cup and walks back to the boys. The bum
rattles his cup a bit]
- Bum 14: Spare some change?
- Homeless Advisor: It has already completely
forgotten that I've given it change. It just wants more, change.
Look over here. [heads to his left and the boys follow] This one
I've kept deprived of change for over three days.
- Bum 15: Cha-a-a-a-a-nge?
- Kyle: What's it doing?
- Homeless Advisor: It's dying.
- Cartman: Cool.
- [Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman fall in the sewer]
- Cartman: Awww, now it really smells like
Kenny's house
- Kenny::[muffled] Dude, stop fucking talking
about my house.
- Cartman: Kenny, relax, man. We all gotta stick
together.
- Homeless Woman:Do you have any change,
sir?
- Cartman: NO! FUCK OFF!!!! [He slams the
door]
- Kyle: Hi. [Bum turns around to look at him]
I've uh, I've been saving up for a new X-Box game, but but I think
you could use the money a lot more than I could. [Bum stares]
Listen, I...I want you to take this. It's $20. [Kyle gives the
money to the bum, backs up and smiles]
- Bum: [Pauses] Got any more?
- Kyle: [Smile disappears] No, that's--I thought
that was a lot.
- Bum: [Turns away and takes a few steps away
from Kyle] Spare any change?
- Kyle: You're welcome. [Turns and walks away
while looking at the ground in shock]
- [Randy is walking down the sidewalk]
- Bum 1: Spare some change?
- Randy: No, sorry I don't have any change.
- Bum 2: Got any change?
- Randy: No, sorry. [Bum follows him]
- Bum 3: Can you spare some change?
- Randy: [Looks over his shoulder at the bum,
speechless, continues walking and bumps into a bum in front of
him]
- Bum 4: Cha-a-a-ange?
- Randy: Ah! I don't have any change! [Bums
begin to surround him]
- Bum 5: Change?
- Randy: No!
- Bum 6: Cha-a-a-nge?
- Randy: [Runs off]
- Bum 7: Spare some change?
- Randy: Leave me alone, I don't have any
change!!
- Bum 7: All right, God bless you, sir.
- Randy: Aw, now I feel bad! Here! [Runs back
and puts some change in the cup] Ah-h-h! [Runs off due to the bums
following him]
- Bums: [Following Randy] Cha-a-a-a-nge,
cha-a-a-a-a-nge! [Zombie-like tone]
- Bum 7: Spare some change?
- Randy: I just gave you change!
- Stan: We're not having Cartman jump over more
homeless people.
- Kyle: (angrily) That wasn't my idea!
- Stan: (to Kyle after Cartman has jumped over
three homeless people) Seriously, I don't know what you see in this
Kyle.
- Evergreen Leader's Wife: (she is horribly
burned and missing her lips) You burned my lips off!
- Evergreen Leader: I nurned your rip
sauce?
- Mrs. Garrison: [writing on blackboard] Okay,
so what do we get when we multiply a negative number--
- Cartman: Dick tits!
- Mrs. Garrison: [pauses for a few seconds]
--when we multiply a negative number by another negative--
- Cartman: Shit! Asshole! [Stan and Kyle glance
back at him. Mrs. Garrison sighs; Cartman smiles] Excuse me.
- Mrs. Garrison: --And if we apply what we've
just learned, we see that all negatives can--
- Cartman: Splooge! Balls! Bloody vaginal
belch!
- [The whole class giggles]
- Cartman: [in a sing-song voice] You
guys, don't laugh; it makes me feel insecure
about my illness.
- Mrs. Garrison: All right, kids, let's just try
to focus on learning, OK? Now all you need to remember here is that
negative numbers--
- Cartman: Tampons! Tampon dick
shit!
- Kyle: Will you knock it off, already!
- Cartman: Kyle, don't you think I wish I could?
I'd give anything to be normal like you. Kike!
- Kyle: Don't push me, asshole!
- Mrs. Garrison: Kyle! Watch your language!
[Cartman begins laughing maniacally]
- Craig: If I could yell, "Tampon dick shit" in
the classroom, I'd be so happy.
- Thomas: Aw, shit! Cock! [his
tic]
[Kyle visits the Children's Therapy Center to see children who
really have Tourette's]
- Mr. Donaldson: Well, Mr. and Mrs. Broflovski,
I think your son has learned a lot and he appears to be honestly
remorseful for making fun of people with disabilities. Piss!
Piss!! [his tic]
- Sheila Broflovski: Our son is a good kid; he
just didn't understand that Tourette's is a real disease.
- Mr. Donaldson: Well, I think the only thing
left is for your son to apologize to his little classmate. [Cartman
walks up and bats his eyes in anticipation]
- Gerald Broflovski: Well, Kyle?
- Kyle: [through his teeth, with his fists
clenched] I'm sorry.
- Cartman: What was that? I couldn't quite make
that out, Kyle.
- Kyle: I'm sorry!
- Cartman: You're "starry?" I don't get what you
mean by that, Kyle. You're starry because I--
- Kyle: I said I'm sorry, you piece
of--! [cuts himself off]
- Cartman: Oh-oh, no, don't worry about it,
Kyle, I understand. I've learned to deal with intolerance.
Dumbshit douchebag! And it means a lot that you're
standing here, apologizing, with your dad and lovely mother.
Fat Jew! Jew bitch! [covers mouth]
- Sheila: Oh, thank you, Eric.
- Cartman: Thank you. Big-nosed
kike!!
- Mr. Donaldson: Well, I think we can all put
all this behind us now. Piss out my ass!!
- Cartman: Yeah! Piss out your ass right onto
Kyle's mom's fat fucking Jew face!!! [coughs] Oh goodness, excuse
me. Oh geez, that was a bad one.
- Cartman: (to Thomas) Isn't having Tourettes
awesome!? [Thomas raises an eyebrow suspiciously]
- Cartman: This Saturday I will go on national
television, live. I will say horrible things on the air. Despicable
things!...And people will call me brave.
- Cartman: Finally, my wish of going public with
my illness can come true. Goddamn Jews! Suck my
ass-barf!
- Cartman: Thank you, everybody. Suck my
balls!
- Cartman: So I'm sorry, but I'm not doing the
show and that's it. Goodbye! [gets up out of his seat and starts
walking away]
- Chris Hansen: Why don't you
take a seat?
- Cartman: No, I don't want to take a seat.
- Chris Hansen: Have a seat.
- Cartman: No, I'm just going to--
- Chris Hansen: Take a seat, right over there.
[Cartman walks over]
- Cartman: How does he do that?
- Chris Hansen: You know, one time, I was doing
a show called "To Catch a Predator," and we almost caught this
pedophile, but then he ran from us because he didn't want to be on
"Dateline." So we tracked him down at his house, and you know what
he did? He shot himself. It'd be a shame if you didn't want to be
on "Dateline." It'd be a shame if we had to track you down and you
"shot yourself."
- Cartman: "I just peed my pants!" [Covers his
mouth, shocked]"
- Thomas: Stupid shit!
- Cartman: This Saturday I will actually say
anything I want on national television. I'm going to blast the
Jews, Kyle. I'm going to call them every name in the book, and
people will call it brilliant television. They'll probably give me
an Emmy.
- Cartman: Titty sprinkles!
- Pedophile 1: Oh, no! Chris Hansen?!
[shoots himself in the head]
- Pedophile 2: "Dateline?!" [shoots himself
in the head]
- Pedophile 3: There aren't really brownies?!
[shoots himself in the head]
[Randy is sitting on the toilet, straining and groaning for a
long time. Meanwhile, a banner appears on the screen: "Emmy
Award-Winning Series"]
- Randy: Oh, God. Oh, here it comes. [he goes
for the final push, which has him pushing himself off the toilet
seat by his hands several times. A few seconds later, the banner
and award disappear.] Whoa, hot! Hot, hot! Whoa-a-a, hot, hot, hot,
hot, hot!! [a view from the street. Randy's moans can be heard; he
can be seen moving about] Whoa, whoa-a-a! Whoa, hot! Hot, hot,
hot-hot-hot-hot, hot, hot!! [Back in the bathroom, the stool
finally comes out] Doh-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!!! O-o-oh! Oo-hoo. [sobs
in relief] Oh-h-h, it's over. It's over. [reaches for the toilet
paper to wipe his ass clean] Oh, God. [puts his briefs and pants
back up in place] I feel so much better. Oh. [a view from within
the toilet: Randy turns around to flush, but stops, looks down, and
crouches down for a better look] Wow! That...is huge. That has got
to be the biggest crap I've ever taken. He--Hey, Sharon. Sharon,
you gotta come see this. Sha-Sharon?
- Randy: [from the heart] I almost did it. I
almost made something of myself. You know, when you get real close,
you start thinking that maybe your life is gonna matter. [sobs some
more] I mean, this was something I made! Something that came from
me! That was a part of me! The only thing I ever made that was any
good!
- Stan: Gee, thanks, Dad.
- Randy: You're welcome.
- Stan: Do you really need the biggest-crap
record? Could you maybe see your way to just letting my dad have
this one?
- Bono: Let him have it?! Why would I do
that?!
- Stan: Look, you gotta understand, sir. My
dad's never won an award for anything. Ever. He doesn't have one
single trophy. I mean, even I have a second-place trophy for most
Sports Illustrated subscriptions sold.
- Bono: I have the first-place trophy
for that.
- Stan: [surprised] Dude, don't you have enough?
I mean, you got tons of money, a jet, and the biggest rock band in
the world, a hot wife, and you've been knighted. I mean, at some
point, can't you just kind of fuck off?
- Butler: Look, I first knew something was wrong
when I looked at Bono's first award for biggest crap. It said he
took it in 1960.
- Stan: So?
- Butler: So that's the year Bono was born. Then
it all made sense to me. How could Bono be so talented, so caring,
and yet seem like such a piece of crap? Because he is
crap. Don't you get it? Bono is not the record holder.
- Stan: He's the record.
- Herr Broloff: I'm sorry Mr. Marsh, but if you
cannot crap out the crap, it is not really a crap.
- Randy: I'm sorry, Sharon. Sorry that I let you
down. I'm sorry I can't crap like Bono.
- Herr Broloff: My little crap has accomplished
many things. But he could never shed the fact that he was really a
number two. So he spent his life trying to be number one, in
everything.
- Stan: That's why he's able to do so much, try
to help so many people, but still seem like such a piece of
shit.
- [Cartman is looking for a leprechaun. If he sees it, Kyle
will suck his balls; if not, he will owe Kyle $10. This is the plot
of the whole trilogy.]
- Kyle: This is so retarded, Cartman. You've got
everyone believing your stupid story.
- Cartman: (setting up a trip wire between
two stones) It isn't a story; it's true! I saw a leprechaun.
I've seen him come through here three days in a row now. (He
drops the rope, walks forward, and whips out a walkie-talkie.)
Hawk Eyes, this is Dragon Wind. Do you copy?
- Clyde: This is Hawk Eyes. We've set up the net
and we're standing by.
- [Jimmy, Jason, and Craig are hoisting the net into
place.]
- Cartman: Copy that, Hawk Eyes. Keep
surveillance tag Alpha Niner. Dragon Wind out.
- Kyle: Just admit you were lying, Cartman, so
that everyone can go home!
- Cartman: O-ho, no! We have a deal, Kyle! If I
can prove there's a leprechaun, you have to suck my balls,
remember? (Whips out his walkie talkie) Dragon Wind to
Blackie. What's your six, Blackie?
- Token: [rather pissed off] I don't
want the code name "Blackie".
- Cartman: Code names are what they are,
Blackie! Check your six and alert when in position! (Puts away
the walkie talkie and gets back to setting the trip wire)
- Kyle: This is fucking retarded!
- Cartman: Ha-ha-ha, getting nervous, Kyle? When
that leprechaun shows up, you must suck my balls. Don't forget I
have a signed contract from you. (Finishes setting the trip
wire)
- Kyle: Yeah, and if you couldn't prove there
was a leprechaun, you have to give me $10! Now just pay up and stop
being stupid!
- Cartman: [whispers loudly] Goddammit,
why hasn't it shown up yet? (Whips out the walkie talkie)
Dragon Wind to Faggot! Come in, Faggot!
- Butters: [on a lookout platform with a
telescope next to him] (in subdued manner) This is Faggot. Go
ahead.
- Cartman: Faggot, I need you to keep
surveillance north to northeast. Check back in five.
- Butters: Okay, will do. Faggot out. (Turns
right and looks through the telescope, then exclaims)
- Kyle: Okay, that's enough. Everybody! Cartman
is just pulling one of his stupid tricks on everyone, because he's
trying to get out of a deal he made!
- Cartman: It was here, I swear it! I don't know
why it's not showin' up this time!
- Kyle: You didn't see a leprechaun, fat ass! If
you could prove it, I had to suck your balls, but if you couldn't,
you had to pay me ten dollars! Pay up!
- Butters: Uh, I got somethin'! I got it!
(The other boys turn and pay attention) It's, uh, oh,
jeez, I think it's a leprechaun!
- Cartman: [to Token] Set off diversion
track C! (Token sets off a small bomb under a pile of leaves.
Nearby a leprechaun skips into view, then stops upon seeing the
boys)
- Stan: Dude.
- Jimmy: F-Fuck me, it's a leprechaun.
- Cartman: [charging forth] Get it!
(The leprechaun runs away, and the boys give chase) Get
that fucking leprechaun! I want it alive!
- [The leprechaun crawls under a tree trunk and gets up. He
trips over a rope and a net descends on him; he dodges it and runs
off. He runs into a bush and trips a sliding door, which drops down
behind him. It traps him in a cage. He looks around for a way out,
but sees the boys crowd in.]
- Butters: Wow.
- Stan: Cool.
- Craig: No way.
- Token: Whoa.
- Jason: Wow.
- Cartman: [making his way through, out of
breath] Agh. Uh, move aside! Move aside! All right, butthole,
where's the gold?!
- Leprechaun: You lads don't know what you're
doin'. I need to deliver an important message! There's goin' to be
an attack!
- Cartman: [gets out a Bowie knife]
Tell me where the gold is or you die! (unsheaths it)
Slow!
- [The leprechaun makes a rainbow with his right hand, and it
teleports him out and disappears]
- Stan: Where'd he go?
- [The leprechaun appears on a tree limb behind the boys;
they turn to look at him again]
- Leprechaun: I was sent to warn of a terrorist
attack, but you boys have made me late. Now the terrorists will
prevail! The end is near!
- [The leprechaun makes a rainbow with his right hand, and it
teleports him away and disappears]
- Craig: Dude.
- Cartman: [walks up to Kyle and clears his
throat] Kyle, suck my balls.
- [He brings out the contract both of them signed. Kyle
stands motionless]
- [The portal has now begun to act violently. Lightning
shoots out from the portal and it changes color frequently.
Everyone backs away.]
- General: Talk to me! What's going on?!
- [The guard comes in with Kyle and Cartman]
- Lead Tech: Something is coming through the
gate from the other side.
- [A few moments later, ManBearPig walks through]
- Operator: What is it?!
- Tech 3: It's like a half-man, half-bear!
- Lead Tech: And half-pig!
- [ManBearPig grabs the tech and slams him against the
portal's supporting wall]
- Tech 4: Oh! No-no, wait! It's like a
half-bear, half-man-pig!
- [ManBearPig rips the tech's head off and tosses it towards
the general. Everyone scatters]
- General: Look out!
- [ManBearPig jumps over and grabs the tech at both
ends]
- Tech 3: No! I think it's more like a half-man,
and half-pig-bear!
- [ManBearPig rips him in two at the waist]
- General: Reverse the doorway! Send it back
through!
- [Kyle screams and runs away, but ManBearPig scoops him
up]
- Stan: (screams) Kyle!
- [A dying tech pushes the red button at his station as he
drops to the floor. Lightning flashes into the room as a tractor
beam pulls Stan into the portal. ManBearPig resists the pull, but
crushes Kyle in its left hand for several seconds. Kyle lets out a
dying scream as ManBearPig lets go of him as the tractor beam
fiinally pulls it in. Kyle falls on the floor, blue in the
face]
- [Kyle is attempted to be revived through a
defibrillator]
- Paramedic: Clear!
- [Sends power through the paddles. Kyle rises, then falls
softly. No sign of life yet. The paramedic removes the
paddles]
- Paramedic: I'm sorry. He's gone.
- Cartman: No! Kyle can't die. (Gets on his
knees and checks various parts of his body for a pulse)
- Paramedic: I'm sorry, young man.
- Cartman: Kyle?
- Paramedic: Well, at least now he doesn't have
to suck anyone's balls.
- Cartman: [enraged] No-o-o! (Begins giving
Kyle CPR) No, he has a strong heart! He wants to live! Come
on, Kyle! Come on, buddy!
- General: He's gone, little boy.
- Cartman: [to the paramedic] Zap him
again! (Opens Kyle's coat and shirt for better contact) Do
it!
- Paramedic: Charging.
- Cartman: Do it!
- [The paramedic places the paddles back on Kyle's
body]
- Cartman: Come on, buddy.
- Paramedic: Clear.
- Cartman: Come on, buddy.
- [The paramedic fires away. Kyle rises, then falls softly.
No sign of life yet.]
- Cartman: Get out of here! (Goes back to
giving Kyle CPR. A woman covers her eyes in despair)
Goddammit, Kyle, you never walked away from anything in your life!
Now fight! (Smacks Kyle around) Fight! Fight! Right now!
(Begins to break down) Fight! F-i-i-ight! Fight!
(slams down hard on his chest)
- [Kyle coughs, then comes to. Cartman begins to weep
happily.]
- Cartman: Give him some air. (An oxygen
mask appears and Cartman places it over Kyle's nose and mouth)
There, easy. Breathe easy. (Weeps softly some more)
Butters: I'm supposed to be in school right
now, but instead I have Snarf, Popeye, and Luke Skywalker all
pissed off.
- Aslan: Imaginationland used to be a happy
place, but then the terrorists attacked, and so many of us were
killed. The barrier came down and all the most evil imaginary
characters were unleashed. Now our final battle must take place.
The evil characters are marching toward us...with the intent to
wipe us all out.
- Beavery Beaver: This is gonna be fun,
huh?
- Woodland Critters: (cheering)
Yeah!
- Aslan: We prepare for a battle we cannot won.
Sweet and cuddly imaginary characters, many who have never held a
weapon, must now fight for their very lives. We are too few in
number, but we have one hope. That is where you come in, young boy.
Only you can help us win the battle.
- Butters: W-What can I do?
- Aslan: You have a power here that you have yet
to understand.
- General: If I'm not mistaken, you're the one
who bet leprechauns aren't real. So why do you care if something
happens?
- Kyle: Because I--Because I think they are
real. It's all real. Think about it. Haven't Luke Skywalker and
Santa Claus affected your lives more than most real people in this
room? I mean, whether Jesus is real or not, he's had a bigger
impact on the world than any of us have. And the same can be said
for Bugs Bunny and Superman and Harry Potter. They've changed my
life, changed the way I act on the earth. Doesn't that make them
kind of real? They might be imaginary, but they're more important
than most of us here. And they're all gonna be around till long
after we're dead. So in a way, those things are more realer than
any of us. (Cartman starts applauding, followed by everyone
else)
- General: (touched by Kyle's speech)
Abort the sequence. (scientist aborts sequence)
- Cartman: So, Kyle, imaginary things ARE real,
huh? Guess that means I did win the bet after all...(Kyle looks
angry) And you know what that means, Kyle...
- Kyle: (snaps at last and yells at
Cartman) Just let it go with your fucking balls already,
you fucking asshole!! Your friends have been in danger, and all you
care about is your stupid bet?!! Well, I have decided, Cartman,
that even if we did have a bet, that I am NEVER going to suck your
balls! (grabs Cartman by the scruff of his neck)
You got that?! (pushes Cartman back) They can
throw me in jail for the rest of my life, but I am NEVER going to
suck you balls-- (punches Cartman lightly) EVER!
So there!!!
- Kyle: Oh God...
- Superman:Yes, God's here too. He's gonna talk
to you right after Captain Crunch.
- Santa Claus: Okay, Kyle, that's enough
ball-sucking.
- Butters: Wait, I'm not grounded!
- Steven Stotch: Oh, yes you are!
- Butters: Oh, yeah? [tries to use his
imagination powers to end the grounding]
- Steven Stotch: That only works in
Imaginationland! You're grounded!
- Butters: Aw, shit!
[Stan and Kyle have just successfully completed the song "Carry on Wayward Son" on Guitar Hero as Randy walks in]
- Randy: So you boys like this music, huh?
- Kyle: Yeah, dude, it's Guitar Hero!
- Butters: Stan and Kyle are really good at
it!
- Randy: Well, you kids wanna see something
really cool? Check this out. [He takes out a guitar, plugs
in his amp, and begins playing "Carry on Wayward Son."] [sings]
Once I rose above the noise and confusion / Just to get a glimpse
beyond this illusion / I was soarin' ever higher / But I flew too
high... / Though my eyes could --
- Stan: [angry] Dad! Dad! What are you
doing?!
- Randy: I can actually play a lot of these
songs on a real guitar. You want me to teach you boys how?
[beams]
- Cartman: ...Uh, that's gay, Mr. Marsh.
- Stan: Yeah, that's stupid, Dad.
- Stan: Dude...dude! That's Jay Cutler over
there--quarterback for the Denver Broncos!
- Kyle: Oh my God!
- Mr. Hart: Would you boys like to meet
him?
- Stan: Are you serious?!
- Mr. Hart: Jay, I want you to meet Stan and
Kyle; they broke 100,000 points on Guitar Hero.
- Jay Cutler: [in his jersey, reclining and
drinking beer next to 2 women in bikinis] Wow, really? Nice to meet
you guys!
- Stan: Nice to meet you! I mean, you
kind of suck but my dad says you might be good someday.
- Jay Cutler:...Thanks.
- Mr. Kincaid: Stan Marsh, this is Thad
Jarvis.
- Thad: 'Sup.
- Mr. Kincaid: Thad here has backed up a lot of
really great Guitar Hero players. Isn't that right, Thad?
- Thad: Yup.
- Mr. Kincaid: He doesn't even need a game
system to play on. He can play Guitar Hero acoustically.
- Stan: [as the Skid Row song "I Remember You" plays]
Look, Kyle...the game is still set up at my house and maybe we
could go try playing it again over there.
- Kyle: [sarcastically] Oh, so the gallant
knight now comes to rescue me from the bowels of mediocrity! Oh,
thank you, Your Royal Lordship!
- Stan: That isn't it at all.
- Kyle: [angrily] You don't get it, Stan! I can
play here all I want. I even get free Frescas. I don't need you
anymore!
- Stan: I know...I need you.
[Cartman, Kenny, Craig, Token, and Clyde are playing basketball;
Craig fakes out Cartman and shoots]
- Cartman: Stop cheating, Craig!
- Craig: How was that cheating?!
- Cartman: 'Cause you tricked me, you black
asshole!
- Announcer: Congratulations! You played Guitar
Hero enough to score one million points!
You...ARE...FAGS!
- Stan: [After a long silence] ...That's
it?
- Kyle: Goddammit. Goddammit. [they walk
away]
- Butters: Well, I guess we'll never get that
list from the girls.
- Cartman: Screw that, dude. We're guys; we can
out-think them.
- Cartman: When she stops and turns to Craig in
the hallway, Butters will run up and kick her in the balls!
- Butters: OK!
- Cartman: OK, our mission failed, but we've
learned a lot, primarily that girls don't have balls.
- Butters: (In a sling with a black eye) They
sure don't.
- Butters: Mom! Dad! I'm not the ugliest kid in
class! Kyle Broflovski is!
- Steven: Well, good for you, Butters!
- Linda: Way to go, champ!
- Butters: Whoopee! [runs off]
- Steven: Well, guess we won't have to ground
him.
- Stan: That didn't sparkle with her, did
it?
- Wendy: (To Stan) This is a nice surprise. I
thought you weren't speaking to me anymore.
- Girl 1: (Wendy has just revealed their secret)
You just couldn't let it go.
- Wendy: (Surprised) What do you mean? Call the
girls in!
- Girl 1: I'm afraid we can't do that,
Wendy.
- Girl 2: (Gets off her seat) Did you know,
Wendy that Clyde's father owns the shoe store in the mall? A lot of
us have wanted to date Clyde to get free shoes, but (in an evil
voice) we couldn't, because he wasn't...popular enough!
- Wendy: (Horrified) You knew?!
- Girl 2: (takes a package out of a file)
Unfortunately, the members voted Clyde in the bottom five of the
list. That's why we had to manipulate the votes, forge a new list
and hide the real one (points to the package).
- Wendy: (angry) So that you could all justify
dating Clyde and get shoes!? How dare you take advantage
of your position! I'm going to tell Bebe and have you both
de-sparkled from the list committee!!!
- Girl 1: Bebe? Who do you think authorized the
buyout? (shocking music plays)
- Wendy: No, not Bebe.
- Girl 2: She's dating Clyde now! Nobody loves
shoes more than her!
- Stan: (confused) What's going on?
- Wendy: When the other girls find out you
ignored their votes they're gonna--
- Girl 1: You really think they'll believe
you over the heads of the Committee!? We'll simply
generate a new list, "biggest liars," and put you at the top!
- Girl 2: Do yourself a favor, Wendy! Just let
it go, and keep your little mouth shut!
- Wendy: (coldly) I don't think so. (kicks girl
holding list in the crotch. She howls and drops the list. Wendy
grabs it) Stan, run!
- Stan: Jesus, dude!! (runs after
Wendy)
- Clyde: (noticing Kyle's depressed state of
mind as he walks past) Hey, Kyle! Look man, it doesn't
matter what people think, OK? Y'know Abraham Lincoln was super-ugly too,
but look what he accomplished! (Pats Kyle on the back) Chin up,
Cowboy! (approaches a girl) Hey, what's goin' on? (girl starts
speaking in the background)
- Butters:(to Kyle) Hey! Nice...Nice
ears Haha! Pizza Face! (runs off laughing)
- Clyde: (ending his conversation abruptly and
speaking angrily) Butters! That's not cool, man! He can't help how
he looks!
- Wendy: Stan, it's been really great hanging
out with you again. (Stan smiles) I feel like you've changed
somehow (Stan smiles more broadly) in a really awesome way.
- Stan: Yeah, well I guess a lot of
things...change, don't they? (happy music starts playing as the
camera zooms in to their faces. Wendy takes a step closer and leans
in to kiss Stan. A funny look comes over his face and he vomits
into Wendy's face...twice.)
(Deleted Scene, inserts immediately after Stan vomits on Wendy
at the end of the episode. Wendy is smiling, despite Stan vomiting
in her face, like old times.)
- Kyle: You know, I'm glad this is over, but I
feel like everyone is gonna wish they knew who was really last on
the list.
- Wendy: Well, I guess we'll never know...except
that I looked and it was Cartman.
- [Back at school, Cartman is sitting at The Ugly Kids' Table in
the cafeteria.]
- Cartman: This is bullcrap!
- Butters: (Yelling from across the cafeteria
and laughing) Hey ugly bugly! Did Adolf Zitler launch a Zitskrieg
across your face?
- Cartman: Oh well, that's fine! What really
matters is the kind of person I am on the inside! (Realizes what
kind of person he is and gets dejected.) Oh, goddammit. (He bumps
his head on the table. The kid that asked for Kyle's pickle earlier
in the episode flat-out steals the pickle from Cartman's
tray.)
Season 12
- Cartman: Pass me the ball. Pass me the ball,
Craig, you stupid asshole! (Kyle pushes Cartman) Kyle,
what the "F"?!
- Kyle: I'm going to kill you, Cartman!
- Doctor: Well, there's no doubt about it. Those
tonsils need to come out.
- Cartman: What?
- Mrs. Cartman: Wake up. Wake up, honey.
- Cartman: It's over?
- Mrs. Cartman: That's right, you did it.
- Cartman: It's over. I didn't feel anything.
You were right, Mom.
- Mrs. Cartman: I'm so proud of you, Eric.
- Cartman: All right, so where's my ice
cream?
- Mrs. Cartman: Oh. Here's the doctor now. Hi,
doctor.
- Cartman: You were right, doctor. Everything is
okay.
- Doctor: No, it's not. Eric, I'm afraid we
accidentally infected you with the AIDS virius.
- Mrs. Cartman: (shocked) What?!
- Cartman: What's that supposed to mean?!
- Doctor: I think I owe you some ice cream.
(a nurse serves Cartman two ice cream sundaes; Cartman shoves
them away angrily)
- Cartman: Fuck your ice cream! You said I'd be
fine! You all said I'd be fine!
- Mrs. Cartman: (wailing) Oh, my
baby!
- Cartman: No! No-o-o-o!
- Kyle: Thank you for seeing us, Mr. Johnson. We
were hoping that maybe you have some kind of key that can help us
with our disease.
- Magic: You boys both have the virus? Are you
sure?
- Cartman: We're not just sure, we're
HIV-positive.
- Kyle: Will you stop it with that?! What part
of this is funny to you?!
- Cartman: Kyle, we need to find a--
- Kyle: What part of being infected with a
deadly disease do you find funny?!
- Cartman: I don't think it's funny, Kyle.
- Kyle: Then stop saying you're not just sure,
you're HIV-positive! This isn't funny, AIDS isn't funny, dying
isn't funny; so shut the fuck up!
- Cartman: Well, excuse me, Kyle, for trying to
keep some optimism, you know? I mean, sometimes when things seem
their darkest you just need to try and stay HIV-positive, but if
you wanna be so HIV-negative all the time, I--
- Kyle: Knock it off! Right now! This
isn't funny! At all!
- Cartman: [pause] Are you sure?
- Kyle: Yes!
- Cartman: [longer pause] Are you
HIV-positive? (Kyle hits him) Ow! Fuck, Kyle!
- Kyle: Excuse us. We're trying to take a
picture of Britney Spears.
- Man: Join the club.
- Man #2: Yeah. All you amature photographers
are making this tougher on the professionals.
- Cartman: We're professionals, too, you fucking
butthole. (Kyle, Cartman, Stan, and Butters walk to the
stairs)
- Police Officer: Uh-uh. No one goes
upstairs.
- Kyle: We, uh, we have special permission.
- Stan: Don't you reconize us? We're Britney
Spears' kids.
- Police Officer: You are?
- Butters: (in squirrel costume) Not
me; I'm a squirrel.
- Kyle: (talking about middle-grade school
students) You know what they're goin to do to a middle-class
white boy like you? They're going to fucking murder you! (Kyle,
Stan and Kenny walk away)
- Cartman: Maybe he's right. I'd better be
careful, however. (later, Cartman is in the bathroom cutting
his hair, then we cut to some scenes of a high school)
- Mrs. Miller: Stundents, quiet. Quiet, please.
(someone throws a spitball at her) Give me your
attention.
- High School Student: I'll give you my
attention, all night long, Mrs. Miller. (everyone laughs,
except Mrs. Miller)
- High School Student #2: (after Cartman
introduces himself to the class as their new teacher.) What
the hell is this?!
- Cartman: (passing out papers to the high
school students) And pass it to the amigo behind
you.
- High School Student #3: Hey, man, what the
hell do you think you're doing?
- High School Student #4: Yeah.
- Cartman: Mr. Cartmanez is here to make sure
you all get into college.
- Cartman: (Oft. Repeated in a lation
accent) How do I reach these keeeeeds.
- Cartman: Shoot him, Butters.
- Butters: No!
- Cartman: You had to shoot him, Butters. He's
gonna get all the chinese, and then kill your parents, do it, do
it.
- Butters: Ahh! (shots a customer in the
groin with the gun)
- Customer: Ahh! Ow! Owwww!
- Cartman: Aww.. dude. You shot him in the
dick.
- Butters: Huh?
- Cartman: That's not cool Butters. You don't
shoot a guy in the dick.
- Butters: But I was just tryin to stop him 'n
you said--
- Cartman: It doesn't matter Butters! You never
shoot a guy in the dick! Everyone knows that! Shooting a guy in the
dick!? That's just.. that's just weak. ..I can't believe you
Butters.
- Cartman: Don't come any closer, we had
information that we only trust with the President of the United
States.
- Police Officer #1: The President?
- Police Officer #2: Alright men, we're going
in.
- Cartman: No. God damn it we're serious, we
only talk to the President, stop. Fire a warning shot,
Butters.
(Butters shots the police officer to the groin with the
gun)
- Police Officer #3: Ah! Aggh! Owww!
- Cartman: Dude, what the fuck are you
doing?
- Butters: What, what happened?
- Cartman: God damn it, Butters. What did I say
shooting guys in the dick.
- Butters: Awww, I did it again?
- Cartman: What the hell is wrong with you, that
is not cool Butters, that is not cool.
- (Cartman pauses for a moment)
- Cartman: You don't fucking do that! You don't
shot a guy in the dick.
- Butters: Well okay, I'm sorry.
- Cartman: It's not okay, defeating the Chinese
wont mean anything, if we do it by going around shooting people in
the dick! God damn it!
- Cartman: (after seeing Wendy taping a
"Breast Cancer Awarness" poster) Look out, everyone, there's
some killer tittes on the loose. Could've sworn I heard them coming
through the roof. Pssh, officer. We need to get an ABP out on those
tittes. There oh, too dangerous.
- Wendy: What is your problem?! Breast cancer
isn't funny!
- Cartman: Not at all. (does hand
puppets) Wendy, we're going to get you, Wendy. For we're
boobs; we're going to kill you.
- Wendy: You better shut up, or I'll
make you shut up!
- Cartman: Oh, really? What are you going to do
about it, Wendy?
- Wendy: I'm going to kick your ass; that's what
I'm going to do!
- Cartman: Ha-ha! You're going to kick my
ass?
- Wendy: That's right! I'm going to kick
your ass!
- Cartman: (does poses) You wanna throw
down, dawg? I'll go down.
- Wendy: You think you're tough?!
- Cartman: What's up? What's up?
- Wendy: I'll smack the shit out of you!
- Cartman: Standin' right here. Let's go,
bitch.
- Wendy: After school; we fight after school.
You got that?!
- Cartman: You're goin' to fight me after
school?
- Wendy: That's right!
- Cartman: You're a chick, dude!
- Wendy: As soon as that bell rings, we do it
outside! And you better be there!
- Cartman: Oh, it's on, bitch.
- Wendy: You're gonna fucking
die!!
- Wendy's Mom: Wendy, have you been bullying
kids at school?
- Wendy: What? No.
- Wendy's Mom: Do you want to explain why this
little boy's mother had to come talk to us? (Cartman is sobbing
in his mother's blouse)
- Wendy's Dad: Did you tell him that you we're
going to beat him up?
- Wendy: You don't understand! He said horrible
things!
- Cartman: (crying and sniffling) The
thing is I totally said I was sorry. But she still wants to beat me
up! (starts sobbing louder, while his mother is hugging
him)
- Wendy's Mom: Wendy, no matter what a person
says, you don't respond with violence. Haven't I tought you
that?!
- Cartman: (still sniffling) The thing
is, Wendy, I really think you're awesome, and I know I'm just a
nerdy little weakling to you, but, I want to be your friend,
because I don't have that many friends in scho-o-o-o-o-l!
(starts sobbing even harder)
Season 13
- Jimmy Vulmer: Kenny deserves to know, fellas.
If you guys found out my girlfriend was a raging whore, I'd want
you to tell me.
- Cartman: Kenny, you're gonna let a girl put
her mouth on your wiener? Do you know how disgusting that is?
Girls' mouths are full of germs!
- Butters: A ring that says you’d be together
but not have sex. Isn’t that called a wedding ring?
- Jonas Brothers Song: I'm ready to get it
on/But there's no getting on 'til I'm ready/It's too soon, slow
down/Take it easy girl, I need your love, baby/I can't wait 'til
the day I kiss you/Until then I have to diss you/'Cuz my mom
doesn't like it when I'm naughty/She'll make me clean my room if
I'm naughty/Baby/I'm hot.
- Jonas Brothers Song: Tell me how I was to
know/You would take your love and go?/Was it 'cuz I wanted to wait
'til we were married to put my arm around you?/The seasons change,
baby, and the world goes round and round and round.
- Jonas Brothers Song: Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna
take my time, can't wait 'til you are mine, but it might be a
while/Yeah, yeah, girl we can take it slow, so we have room to
grow/And in time, we can do it all/Until then, go back to
Montreal/'Cuz I still love you, baby/Love you,
baby/Bay-bay.
- Cartman: Well, well, well, here he comes, it's
B.J. McKay and his best friend Bear.
- I've Got a Ring (Jonas Brothers Song):
I've got a ring on my finger to remind me what I cannot
do/Can't just do whatever I feel like, I've got to stay righteous
and true/I can't hang out with my buddies and get into trouble/'Cuz
now we're both wearing these rings for each other/But who needs sex
and drugs and partying when we can cook a meal and sit around and
watch Netflix?/Baby/I've got a ring on my finger to remind me that
I must behave/No need to chase after girls, that's a promise I can
never break/I've made a commitment and it is forever/So we can
spend every waking minute together/And if we get bored it won't be
a problem/'Cuz we can just hang out with other couples who have
these rings/Bay-bay.
- Joe Jonas: Look, we just want our concerts to
be about our music and not about purity rings.
- Mickey Mouse: Gosh, fellas, I'll say this to
you once again... You have to wear the purity rings and that's how
you give sex to little girls, ha-ha. See, if we make the posters
with little girls reaching for your junk, then you have to wear
purity rings or else the Disney Company looks bad, ha-ha.
- Mickey Mouse: (kicking Joe Jonas causing
his nose to start bleeding) You don't fucking talk to me like
that, ha-ha, you little piece of shit! (Joe coughs) Get
the fuck off! Get the fuck off! Ha-ha.
- (The Jonas Brothers just finished spraying fire
extinguishers into the concert audience)
- TV Host: That's great, boys. You like taking
the Jonas Brothers' hot foam in your faces, girls?
- Mickey Mouse: Where would you be without me,
Jonas Brothers? Ha-ha. Your music sucks and you know it, ha-ha.
It's because you make little girl's gineys tickle, and when little
girl's gineys tickle, I make money, ha-ha. And that's because
little girls are fucking stupid, ha-ha. And the purity rings make
it okay to do whatever I want, ha-ha. Even the Christians are too
fucking stupid to figure out I'm selling sex to their daughters.
I've made billions off of Christian ignorance for decades now,
ha-ha, and do you know why? Because Christians are retarded, ha-ha.
They believe in a talking dead guy! Ha-ha! (Mickey realizes the
curtain is up) Oh. Ha-ha. Hello, folks.
- [the crowd boos]
- Mickey Mouse: Now, now. Take it easy. Ha-ha.
Here's the Jonas Brothers. (the booing gets louder)
- Joe Jonas: Come on, guys. (The Jonas
Brothers leave the stage)
- Mickey Mouse: No! Wait! Stop! Come back
here!
- Guy: It's over, Mr. Mouse. Everyone's tuning
out.
- Mickey Mouse: No! No! Goddammit, no! (the
crowd is still booing) Shut up! Shut up! (screams while he
grows, then he starts blowing out fire; the crowd runs
away)
- News Reporter: Tom, the Disney Jonas Brothers'
3D television special has failed, costing the Disney company
millions, and once again Mickey is pissed off and is throwing a
fit.
- Mickey Mouse: (flying like a Macy's
Thanksgiving Parade ballon) Vengeance is mine! You are all
ants and I am your destroyer! Ha-ha! (blows fire, killing every
person in his path)
- Reporter: The Disney purity ring venture will
most likely now prove a marketing bust, as Mickey returns to
Valhalla to slumber and feed.
- Tammy: Let's take off these rings, Ken! Let's
take them off and just be kids again! There will be plenty of time
to wear rings and be boring and lame when we reach our mid-30s and
will be boring and lame anyway!
- [after Tammy performs fellatio on Kenny, he contracts
syphilis and dies]
- Cartman: I told him. The woman's mouth is the
most germ-ridden place, I said. Statistically the most unsafe place
for a man to put his penis, I said.
- Kyle: Well, now we know.
- Cartman: And knowing is half the battle.
- Repeated Line: Who is Mysterion?
- Cartman: Who is the Coon?
- Stan: Mom, Dad, how come there's suddenly no
money?
- Randy: I'll tell you what happened, son! See,
there's a bunch of idiots out there who weren't happy with what
they had! They wanted a bigger house and materialistic things that
they didn't even need. [Grabs his margarita glass and rises
from the table] People with no money who got loans to buy
frivolous things they had no business buying. [Walks over to a
Margaritaville margarita blender and loads it with ice. A margarita
mix is already in place in the blender] And these assholes
just blindly started buying any stupid thing that looked appealing,
[puts the ice scooper back into the ice bucket] 'cause
they thought money was endless! [starts up the blender, which
drowns out whatever he says for the next nine seconds] It goes
back to when the government had the idea that everyone in America
deserves to own a house, and they couldn't pay their mortgage
because they couldn't afford them. So we have people having a hard
time paying off their loans, meaning less money coming in.
[Serves himself a margarita and places the blender back on its
base] And the idiots couldn't see that by doing all this
frivolous spending they were mocking the Economy. And they made the
Economy very angry. [Goes back to his seat with his
margarita] We're all feeling the Economy's vengeance because
of materialistic heathens who did stupid things with their money!
Do you understand, son? [Sips from his margarita
glass]
- Stan: Yeah, I think I get it.
- CEO: Mmmm no I can't do that yeah no.
- Accountant: OK, we put your money in the bank
AND IT'S GONE!
- Stan: What?!
- Accountant: Sir, please, you're holding up the
line.
- Randy: We must stop pointing fingers! Finger
pointing gets us nowhere...Steve!!
- Randy: The economy is our shepherd, we shall
not want.
- Randy Marsh: It stopped being funny when air
came out her vagina, Sharon!
- Katie: I'm so excited and queefy!
- Wendy: (hopefully) Hey, Stan. You wanna maybe
study together after school?
- Stan: What? No way, dude! Today's the
day!
- Jimmy: Say, Eric, do you like fishsticks?
(sounds like "fish dicks")
- Cartman: Yeah?
- Jimmy: Do you like putting fish sticks in your
mouth?
- Cartman: Yeah?
- Jimmy: Well, what are you, Eric? A gay
fish?
- Cartman: [Thinks for a second]
Fish... dicks. Aw-w, dude, that is funny as shit!
- Kanye West: I'm a motherfuckin'
lyrical wordsmith motherfuckin' genius!
- Carlos Mencia [tied up at
Kanye West's mansion]: Okay, look, it wasn't me! I didn't
really start the fishstick thing, all right?
- Kanye West: You're just sayin' that now 'cause
you're scared.
- Carlos Mencia: No, man, it's true! I stole it,
man! I took credit for it 'cause I'm not actually funny! Come on,
man, do you know what it's like? Being a comedian but not being
funny? Come on, Kanye, I just take jokes and repackage them with a
Mexican accent, man!
- Kanye West: Think you can make fun of me? I'm
a genius! I'm the voice of a generation! What are you?
- Carlos Mencia: Nothing! Look at me, man! I'm
not funny, I steal jokes, my dick don't work, man. I got to piss in
a plastic bag, man, I got no dick!
- Craig: Yeah, and if I had wheels I'd be a
wagon.
- [Kanye comes into the room with Cartman and Jimmy and his
goons begin smashing everything]
- Cartman: Dude, it's Puff Daddy!!!
- Kanye West: [Speaking on David Letterman
about the fishsticks joke] Yo, that is messed up, yo. I am not
gay, and I sure as hell ain't no fish, all right?!
- David Letterman: You... really don't get
it?
- Kanye West: Hey, yo man, I'm the most talanted
musician in the world! If I was a homosexual or a fish, I would
know!
- David Letterman: You're a rapper.
- Kanye West: Yes.
- David Letterman: An entrepenuer.
- Kanye West: Yes.
- David Letterman: And you like fish dicks.
- Kanye West: Yes.
- David Letterman: You're a gay fish.
- Kanye West: [Agitated] No, I am
not no gay fish!
- David Letterman: Just gay?
- Kanye West: I am not gay, and I'm not a fish!
Man!
- David Letterman: You are male.
- Kanye West: Damn right, I'm male!
- David Letterman: A male that likes fish
dicks.
- Kanye West: Yeah, I like fishsticks.
- David Letterman: You like to put fish
dicks in your mouth.
- Kanye West: Yeah.
- David Letterman: You're a gay fish.
- Kanye West: All right, that does it! I'm gonna
kick your motherfuckin' ass! [Attacks Letterman]
- Randy Marsh: (last line) Well, that
sucks!
- Kyle: [reading Ike's letter] "Dear
Mommy and Daddy. I am running away. I am sorry, but I can no longer
handle the monotony of middle-class life. Everyone at school is a
fucking idiot, and if one more person talked to me about that Susan
Boyle performance of Les Miserables, I was going to puke
my balls out through my mouth. I love you all, but I have to move
on. I'm going to Somalia to be--to be a pirate."? Oh, shit!
- Cartman: (repeated line) Da
fuck?
- Somalia Pirate Song:We drink and we pillage
and we do what we please / We get all that we want for free / We’ll
kick your ass / And rape your lass / Somalian pirates we / So with
a yo ho ho (yo ho ho) / And with a yee hee hee (yee hee hee) / We
take to the African sea / We’ll brave the squalls / And bust your
balls / Somalian pirates we / We left our homes and we left our
mothers / To go on a pillaging spree / We’ll cut off your ears /
And break your toes / And make you drink our pee / And if you sail
into our waters / You best hear this decree / We’ll take your boat
/ Set your ass afloat / Somalian pirates we / With a yo ho ho (yo
ho ho) / And a tricky lah-tee do (tricky lah-tee do) / We’ll shoot
you in the face with glee / Then we’ll cut off your cock / And feed
it to a croc / Somalian pirates we / Somalian pirates we / Somalian
pirates we!
- Ike: Make Billy Mays go away, Kyle!
- Ike: [whispering] I...see...dead
celebrities...
- Cartman: [On Stan's assertion that he
doesn't get 'underwear blood' when eating Chipotle] Well, how
nice for you, Stan. You may have a Golden Rectum of the Gods, but
the rest of us need Chipotl-Away!
- Billy Mays: Hi, Billy Mays here for the little
Country Handy Pillow. Are you tired of sitting in limbo? Lost
somewhere between planes of existence? Well now there's a product
that can help you-
- Walter Cronkite: Will somebody shut his
fucking mouth?! I can't take it anymore!
- Patrick Swayze: This is bad enough without
having to constantly listen to you try and sell your stupid crap,
Mays!
- Billy Mays: With just two easy steps, I can
climb over these seats and kick you right in the fucking
balls!
Butters' Bottom
Bitch
- Skeeter: You'd better take your gay porn and
walk right out of this bar.
- Japanese People: [repeated line] F***
you whales and f*** you dolphins!
- Eric Cartman: Stan. Me and Kenny don't give
out two s***s about stupid ass whales.
- Paul Watson: You know what? He's right. It's
time to bring out the big guns. You guys ready? Ready and throw the
stinky butter!
- Stan Marsh: Admit you just want to be on
TV.
- Kenny McCormick:(muffled "I just want to be on
TV")
- Eric Cartman: Your show is f***ing gay
dude!
- Crabfishing reality crew: Your show is f***ing
gay!
- Emperor Akihito: (upon discovering "real"
Hiroshima bombers) Chicken and Cow? CHICKEN AND COW??!
- Yukio Hatoyama: CHICKEN AND COW USED POOR
DOLPHIN AND WHALE AS A SCAPEGOAT?!! THIS IS OUTRAGE!!
- Stan Marsh: Wait for it..Wait for
it..NOW!(reveals Godzilla)
- Japanese People: F*** you Cow!
- Japanese People: F*** you Chicken!
- Randy: Great job Stan now you made the
Japanese normal like us.
- Eric Cartman: Excuse me. Excuse me! HEY
ASSHOLES!!!
- Motorcycle Driver: What did you say?
- Ike: (upon seeing the motorcycle gang)
FAGS!!
- Mayor: You four turdballs in my office
NOW!!
- Gordon Stoltski: [reading morning
announcements over the intercom to the school] Good morning,
South Park Elementary. These are the morning announcements.
Parent-teacher conferences begin next Thursday. If you have not yet
done so, please turn in your parents' requested time sheets by the
end of fifth period today. Lunch today will be a choice of chicken
tostadas or spaghetti with a marninara sauce and side salad.
Attention fourth graders: the fall registration for Glee
Club starts tomorrow. Any interested students should fill out a--
(is interrupted when a door is heard being kicked in)
Whoa, what's going on?! [everyone in Fourth Grade classroom
looks up at the speaker in surprise]
- Intruder: I'll kill you! I swear to God I'll
kill you!
- Gordon: Who are you?!
- Intruder: I'm the man who's gonna put a bullet
between your eyes!
- Gordon: Hey! He's got a gun!
- Intruder: You little bastard! You fucked my
wife! You think I wouldn't find out?!
- Gordon: Sir, please, I don't know you.
- Intruder: Yeah, right!
- Man: [intervening] All right, what
the hell is going on around here? You, sir, need to leave this
area. (the intruder kills the man with two shots, causing alarm
to people in classroom)
- Gordon: [hysterical] Oh God, he shot
him!
- Intruder: You had to push me, didn't ya?! Now,
you!
- Gordon: [screams in terror] Sir, I
clearly don't know-- (the intruder hits him; Gordon screams
some more)
- Intruder: There! How's it feel, huh?!
- Gordon: [screaming hysterically]
Please! I don't know you!
- Intruder: You're Gordon Stoltski, right?!
Truck driver from Chicago?!
- Gordon: No, I'm Gordon Stoltski, third grader
who reads the morning announcements!
- Intruder: Yeah, right! We'll see if that's
true. Go on, read the morning announcements!
- Gordon: [screaming] Somebody help
me!
- Intruder: I said do it! (hits
Gordon)
- Gordon: [continues screaming] Any
interested students should fill out an application survey--
(more hitting and screaming)
- Intruder: I knew you were lyin'! That was
terrible! Now put your mouth over the barrel of this gun!
- Gordon: No, please! I'm so scared! I'm so
scared!!
- Intruder: Do it!!
- Gordon: Please! I'll do whatever you say!
Here! Here I see! Here! (hits voice is now muffled, indicating
the gun barrel is now in his mouth; the gun goes off and Gordon is
heard falling to the floor, dead)
- Intruder: Look at you now. We're all dead.
(commits suicide. By now, nearly everyone in the classroom is
in shock)
- [Stan confronts Cartman at his book signing of "What
Happened to My School?", which includes offensive and explicit
rumors about Wendy Testaburger, Stan's girlfriend]
- Stan: What the hell do you think you're
doing?!
- Cartman: A book signing.
- Stan: I looked through your stupid book! It's
540 pages of ripping on Wendy and calling her a slut!
- Cartman: I do not directly say she's a
slut!
- Stan: [reading from book] "Wendy
Testaburger has proven time and time again that she will do
anything to pleasure her vagina. Whether it is the school football
team or the janitors on their break, Wendy spends her time as
president on her knees or on her back taking the old in-out for
hours on end!"
- Cartman: [leans over the table and points
something out to him] You didn't read the rest, dude.
- Stan: [reading] "Or does she?"
- Cartman: "Or does she?" See, that's a
question. I'm asking questions, Stan! I've called for Wendy to come
on my show and defend herself, but she won't do it!
- Butters: [showing up with his
Melvins] Yeah, and she hates Smurfs!
- First Boy: [reading from book]
"Shouldn't we be worried if our school president is a girl who
would rather get her tits licked than go to student council
meetings?"
- Stan: Hey-hey, stop reading that!
- First Boy: Well, what do you mean?
- Stan: Listen, just because a guy's voice is on
the intercom and his words are in a book doesn't mean he has any
idea what he's talking about!
- Second Boy: Yes, it does!
- Casey Miller: Eric Cartman is simply making it
so that all kids take responsibility to question their school
leaders. We should all ask if our president is a penis-hungry
hooker with a huge vagina. I'm Casey Miller.
- [About Cartman's ripping off on Wendy]
- Stan: Wendy, did you see the stuff Cartman is
saying about you now?
- Wendy: I really don't care, Stan.
- Stan: Well, don't you think you should go on
his show and defend yourself?! Everyone is starting to think you're
a crappy president.
- Wendy: I'm not giving Eric Fartman one minute
of my time, you got that?! I'm not acknowledging his stupid
questions. If you want him dealt with, you'll have to do it
yourself!
- [After Casey Miller announces about Cartman's preformance
as president]
- Cartman: I'm doing the best that I can!! [begins
to cry, leaves his desk and runs out of the classroom,
sobbing]
Pee
[13.14]
- Eric Cartman's Minorities Song: What has
happened to this place / I don’t recognize it anymore / It used to
be so fun and special / What is life worth living for The dream is
dead / Our land is gone / There’s a hole in my heart / And I can’t
go on / There are too many minorities (minorities) / At my water
park (my water park) / This was our land, our dream (our dream) /
and they’ve taken it all away / They just keep coming and coming
(minorities) / I tried to go and tell the police / But even the
authorities / Are minorities (are minorities) / At my water park /
There’s no place for me to sit anymore / And the lines just keep
getting crazier / There are Mexicans all around me / The lazy river
has never been lazier / It’s a 40 minute wait to go down one slide
/ And the instructions are in Spanish on the Zip Line ride (just do
it in English!) / There are too many minorities (too many) / At my
water park (somebody do something) / Where did they all come from /
Why can’t they leave this land alone / And it’s such a tragedy
(feel a bit like dying) / We looked the other way too long / We’ve
got to change our priorities / And get all these minorities/ Out of
my water park / (Minorities) Mexicans and Asian / Black people / I
think I even saw Native Americans (gross) / God I’m asking please /
Get all of these minorities / Out of my water park (my water
park)
South Park: Bigger,
Longer & Uncut
-
Main article: South Park: Bigger, Longer
& Uncut
Cartman: (To Kyle) You know all those times I
called you a stupid jew? I didnt mean it. You're not a jew.
Unsorted
Quotes
- "Well I'm gonna kick you in the nuts"
- "God dammit, your family's poor, Kenny! I don't like Kenny any
more you guys, he just doesn't communicate."(pinkeye, Cartman is
trying to upset zombie Kenny)
- "Hippieeees.... Hippieees all around me, they say they
wanna save the world but all they do is smoke pot and smell
bad." ("Cherokee hair tampons" when talking in his sleep,
having nightmares)
- "If there's one thing I've learned, it's that the only way to
fight hate....is with more hate!!!" ("Ginger Kids",
ep.9-11)
- "Drugs are bad because if you do drugs you're a hippie and
hippies suck." ("Ike's Wee Wee", ep. 2-5)
- "Yeah, whatever, you can suck my balls." (Appears in many
episodes; in different forms)
- "You will respect my Authori-tah!"
- When Cartman worked as a Cop ("ChickenLover",
ep.2-4)
- When Cartman was Deputized by the Department of the Interior
("Jakovasaurs", ep.3-5)
- When Cartman was re-enacting General Lee ("The Red Badge of
Gayness", ep.3-14)
- Screw you guys, I'm going home!
- I'm not following this hippie around any more.
- "But maaaaaaayyyyyyym!"
- " Now it may appear in the picture that I’m actually looking at
the camera lens and smiling,with the penis in my mouth, and giving
a thumbs up, but I assure you I was fast asleep. " ("Cartman
Sucks")
- "Son of a bitch ! What the fuck do you think you`re doing
Butters !! Go do what you were sent to do dickface !!
"
- Whateva! I do what I want! " ("Freak Strike", "My Future Self
n' Me")
- BEEFCAKKEEE ! (Weight Gain 4000)
- (Discovering he can create electricity by swearing) FUCK, SHIT,
COCK, ASS, TITTIES, BONER, BITCH, MUFF, PUSSY, COCK, BUTTHOLE,
BARBRA STREISAND!!! (Shoots lightning bolts from his
hands) (South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut)
- I'm not fat, I'm big boned. (Cartman Gets an Anal Probe)
- Just to go to the dumb moon? (Free Willzyx)
- Ow! That hurts you butt licker. (Cartman Gets an Anal
Probe)
- FAGGOT! (Le Petit Tourette)
- [Walkie-talkie names by Cartman] Blacky; Fagot
(Imaginationland)
- Dude, you don't shoot a guy in the DICK! (The China
Probrem)
- Priest: I haven't seen you in church lately.
- Kyle: Well, I'm Jewish.
- Priest: You're not too Jewish to worship Jesus, are you?
- Kyle: I guess not.(Spontaneous Combustion)
- "I think the rabbit just crapped on my jacket .."(Fantastic
Easter Special)
- "Cartman that is the stupidest thing you've ever said, this
week!"
- Cartman: "But why would Scott Tenorman sell me his pubes for
$10?"
- Kyle: "Because, retard, you're dumb enough to buy Scott
Tenorman's pubes for $10!" (Scott Tenorman Must Die)
- Stan: "...But they're gonna say shit, and you're gonna miss
it!"
- Kyle: "I don't really give a fuck!"
- Stan: "Oh."
- "Goddamn it. Just...goddamn it."
- Cartman: "Kyle, you are so full of meecrob!"
- Kyle: "I am not full of meecrah-wha?"
- "Come on, children. Let's go find ourselves a nice white woman
to make love to." (It Hits The Fan)
- "I wanna make love to you woman, I wanna lay you down by the
fire!"
- "There's a time and a place for everything, and it's called
college. Do you understand?" (Ike's Wee Wee)
- Chef: "Why hello there, children"
- The boys: "Hey Chef!"
- Chef: "How's it goin'?"
- The boys: "Bad."
- Chef: "Why bad?"
- "You go to hell! You go to hell and you DIE!!" (Cartman Gets An
Anal Probe, Cartman's Mom is a Dirty Slut, Chef aid and Summer
Sucks)
- "Hey, there, shitty shitty fag, shitty shitty fag, how do you
do ?" (It Hits The Fan)
- "No, that's wrong, Cartman. But don't worry. There are no
stupid answers, just stupid people."
- "Now that's a whore!" (Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset)
- "I'm not gay; I'm a woman." (Mr. Garrison's Fancy New
Vagina)
- "That was not me, it was Mister Hat." (Cherokee Hair
Tampons)
- "Life isn't fair kiddo, get used to it!" (Big Gay Al's Big Gay
Boat Ride)
- "Awww scissor me timbers" (D-Yikes)
- "Myyyyy baaaallls!" (Mr. Garrison's Fancy New Vagina)
- "Bzzt! Wrong! Try again, dumbass! [laughs]" (to Officer
Barbready) (Chicken lover)
- "Bzzt! Turd! Did you heard that Mister Hat? I sure did Mister
Garrison!" (Chicken lover)
- "Get an AIDS test Thompson, cus' your wife's a dude, faggot!"
(Eek! A penis!)
- "Oh my God! They killed Kenny!"
- "Dad! Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet!" ("Trapped in
the Closet")
- Kyle: Stan? Do you really think my hat is stupid?
- Stan: As a matter of fact, I believe it is the nicest hat I
have ever known. (Follow That Egg)
- "Butters was missing?" (Butters' Very Own Episode)
- Stan: "This is some pretty fucked up shit right here!"
- "Cartman, what the hell are you doing with aborted fetuses?!"
("Kenny Dies")
- Kenny: "Mrph, Mrph, Mrph, Mrph."
- Kenny: "Yes, you can."
- Kenny: "Fuck you"
- Kenny: "Shit"
- Kenny: Goodbye, you guys.
- Kenny: NOO! NO, NOT THE SOCKS!
- Kenny: You guys owe me big time for this.
- Stan: Hey, at least you're finally doing something.
- Kenny: Wait-wait-wait, I'm not Blanket! Aggh! AHH, STOP!
Cast
- Trey Parker - Stan Marsh/Eric
Cartman/Satan/Mr. Herbert Garrison/Phillip Niles Argyle/Randy
Marsh/Tom (news reporter)/Midget in a bikini/Ticket taker/Canadian
Ambassador/Bombardiers/Mr. Mackey/Army general/Ned
Gerblanski/Additional voices (voice)
- Matt Stone - Kyle Broflovski/Kenny
McCormick/Jesus/Saddam Hussein/Terrance Henry Stoot/Jimbo
Kearn/Gerald Broflovski/Bill Gates/Additional voices (voice)
- Eliza Schneider - Liane
Cartman/Sheila Broflovski/Sharon Marsh/Wendy
Testeberger/Clitoris/Additional voices (voice)
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