Anal Death Squad

The Anal Death Squad is a team of young men who practise the ancient Yorkshire art of forcibly achieved sexual barbarism. Apart from this central pillar to the organisation are minor pursuits, such as the bullying of school magazine editors, molestation of livestock and ranners baiting. The Anal Death Squad (ADS) publishes its own magazine for its members, and for public information regarding the movements of the squad. The ADS was a significant political and social power in Bradford Grammar School, and over the course of the next four years has plans to extend it's influence over the wider British public, and in doing so promote it's beliefs as pleasurable and constructive pasttimes.
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Origins of ADS

The ADS was officialy founded on the 12th March 2006 by the existing 6 members on a coach from Grasmere to Bradford Grammar School. However, many historians maintain that this was merely the birth of the name of an existing organisation that was tightened and rallied behind an attractive public image.

A previous occasion, believed by many to be the true origin of the ideas of the ADS was the English department trip to Stratford-upon-Avon, which saw the first "open" attacks on the GPR (Ginea Pig Ranners). It is doubtless, though, that the Grasmere trip was the climax of pre-squad freshers week activity, and included:

wilderness Cowley attacks

Chris Ranson

outdoor Ranners beasting

"smokey smokey"

verbal teabagging of lower sixth-formers with hairy syntactical bollocks

humiliation, bondage and rape of Ranners

Canadian Rhodesing

getting Lewissed

other minor violent episodes involving intra-human relations

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Members

The ADS is a highly insular organisation, the only 6 members that now exist are the founding fathers of the group, and a rigorous training and initiation procedure prevents all hopeful applicants from gaining a membership. Anyone outside this exclusive group are considered potential ‘’Ranson’’.

The Initiation

Becoming a member of ADS is extremely difficult, so much so that it is impossible for any ‘’frenchie’’ to enter the inner circle. Though the process depends on the passing fancy of the AD squad, it has been known to involve:

breaking and entering a teacher’s room on a ski trip and tickling him

rape the gaping wound of a partially dead victim, allowing the pulse to simulate coitus

Ranson

strap some little ginger stain to a bed and rub the proverbial poo in his hair

teabag Dave and be arrested for sexual offences

drink 3 pints of beer, 2 glasses of Rose wine and 10 shots of spirits and vomit on a taxi driver of questionable ethnic purity

Sam “Death Fist” Cowley

Sam’s talent for the sexually illegal was noticed at an early age when he exchanged his nappies for a sparkly thong and inseminated a litter of kittens. Now, at the age of 36, big game is his target, including Lewises, varieties of wild Ranson and the occasional National Socialist. Sam is limited in his scope as a ‘’pursuer of the lesser good’’ due to his lack of subtlety. Quick witted and agile prey such as Ricky Ses are frequently able to avoid his clutch of inter-rectal death. In his spare time Sam looks at ladyboys on the internet.

James “Monstercock Corpse Bitch” Lewis

James belongs to the more discreet school of forced member intercalcitration. A poofy thesbian to the untrained eye, coming too close to “The Orange Thunderbolt” has resulted in many members of the general public experiencing severe oesophagus collapse. The false sense of security that is created by the seductive rhythm of “The Cobra’s” velvet tones when talking for hours on end makes vulnerable and otherwise cautious ‘’Ranson’’ to be ensnared. “Danger Wank” provides a large amount of motivation and direction to the team, and helps each member come together, though this can be messy if caught in the crossfire.

Danny “Bannister Pimp” Rhodes

Danny provides the energy for the group, his enthusiasm for all things violent and penetrative. Unless he is ‘’going where no man has gone before’’ he just can’t have fun, and introduced the discipline of ‘’Rhodesing’’, a technique used to perforate and humiliate Canadians. Much can be said about Danny’s various techniques on and off the ‘’pitch’’, his fervour, his ardency, his thoroughness of inspection, but it is poetry that sets him apart from the laity of the raping world, “Ode on a Ravished Dog” and “Pepper’s entrance” being two of the finest examples of his work.

Joe “The Token Black Guy” Pitt Something

Joe moved to England in 1976 from Jamaica or India or something. Apart from eating curries and jerk chicken Joe adds a bit of a foreign flavour to the otherwise monochromatic orgy of hedonistic frenzy. Though language proves to be a barrier to Joe’s full appreciation of the desperate screams of the old ladies in Manningham, the language of forced love means that this is no big problem. Joe doesn’t take a large part in the organisation of the squad; he mostly stays on the edge of the group, stays out of the conversations and periodically says something token like “damn”, “shit” or “let me do her nose”.

Tricky “Ass Crusade” S

Ricky sits on that phallic fence that divides the butch from the bitch. Though he is casually made into a wreckage of a human by vigorous endo-sadism by the other members of the DS, members of the public are subject to his every whim. Decimations of biblical proportions are possible when Pricky turns his religious zeal to a far greater use; that of rear annihilation. The many catchphrases that have been coined by Sticky Ses ‘’speech impediment’’ can be heard drifting in all their feebleness over the fells of the Lake District.

Alex “Anal Death Über Alles” Petherbridge

Not much can be said about this elusive member of the Anal Death Squad, other than he is THE original inventor and ultimate grandmaster of everything it stands for. Like his namesake, Alexander the Great of Macedonia, Pethers gives it where it isn’t wanted and only when inappropriate. A strict diet of dogmatic right-wing Anal Death teachings means that there is literally zero tolerance for anything anywhere. Unless it results in blood and the complete besmirchment of somebody’s honour. A claim to fame is having been one of the few people to be thrown out of three holocaust memorials for ‘’unsavoury’’ behaviour in a single day.

Ranners

Ranners, noun, verb or adjective, is derived from Chris “moody smokey struggly” Ranson. Though believed to once have been a person, Ranson “lives” in a vegetative state after having suffered so many testicle holocausts at the hands of the squad. The seventh member, he is included here, not because he actively Ransons people, but because he himself is subject to so much Ranners. He is able to redeem himself; however, in Ransoning people lower than himself in the Ranson-chain.