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Andrew Dice Clay
Pseudonym "Dice" or "Diceman"
Birth name Andrew Clay Silverstein
Born September 29, 1957 (1957-09-29) (age 52)
Brownsville, New York, U.S.
Medium Stand-up, television, film
Nationality United States
Years active 1978 – present
Genres Character comedy, black comedy, satire, insult comedy
Subject(s) human sexuality, sexism, race
Influences Redd Foxx, Lenny Bruce, Rocky Marciano, John Travolta, Henry Winkler, George Clinton
Influenced Jim Florentine, Jeff Duran, Artie Lange, Keith Malley
Notable works and roles The Day the Laughter Died
Ford Fairlane in The Adventures of Ford Fairlane
Website andrewdiceclay.com

Andrew "Dice" Clay (born Andrew Clay Silverstein; September 29, 1957) is an American comedian.

Contents

Life and career

Clay was born in Brownsville, New York, the son of Doris and Fred Silverstein, who worked in real estate sales.[1] In 2002, he divorced his wife and focused in part on raising his two sons.[2] In 2007, he attempted a comeback with the reality TV series Dice: Undisputed.[3]

He has been considered controversial for his profanity[4] and for the homophobia, sexism and misogyny in his routines, for which he was banned from MTV and boycotted by Sinéad O'Connor and Nora Dunn, the former a guest and the latter a cast member on a 1990 episode of Saturday Night Live that Clay hosted.[3] Clay had an open intense rivalry with the now deceased comedian Sam Kinison.

He appeared as a part of NBC's The Celebrity Apprentice 2 and was the first celebrity to be fired, after he had openly entertained the idea of quitting while in Donald Trump's presence. On Sirius XM Satellite Radio's Howard Stern Show, Clay had stated that the The Celebrity Apprentice 2 was edited to exclude situations where Donald Trump had treated Clay poorly based on his comic treatment of women rather than his accomplishments.[5] Throughout the season, each celebrity was raising money for a charity of their choices; Clay had selected StandUp For Kids.[6]

Discography

Recordings featuring Dice samples

  • "A Gangsta's Fairytale" on Ice Cube's album AmeriKKKa's Most Wanted (Priority Records, 1990): Dice is heard saying "Good old Mother Goose, remember her? I fucked her." from "Nursery Rhymes" at the end of the song.
  • "Just Don't Bite It" on N.W.A's EP 100 Miles and Runnin' (Ruthless/Priority Records, 1990): Dice asking the question, "But does she suck a good dick?!" from "Couples In Love", is part of the song's chorus.
  • "Unbelievable" by EMF His classic "Oh!" and phrase "It's unbelievable" are sampled throughout.
  • The song "Special Ladies" by Cage from the Eastern Conference All-Stars album samples Andrew Dice Clay's routine about meeting women.

Filmography

References

External links


Quotes

Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

Andrew Dice Clay (born September 29, 1957) is an comedian and actor.

Contents

Dice Rules (1991)

  • When you jerk off, you’re saying “Hey, I care about me.”
  • What am I looking at? I want to eat you like a tossed fucking salad!
  • I like a bush. A nice big, hairy, stinky, smelly fucking bush. And I hate when they put cologne on it. They dummy it up with cologne like you don’t know where you are. I like that nice natural scent of salmon.
  • How come there's no parking for midgets? You ever notice that? Not one spot in the fucking mall for midgets. Unbelievable. You want to know why? 'Cause there's no telethon for midgets. Nobody gives a fuck. The kind of humidity you get in Manhattan during the summer... by the time you even get to the front doors of the mall, they're passing out. You've got to piss on them to revive them. And I love midgets with those pumpkin heads, little bug legs. I never fucked one, I'll admit that. But I would do it. They're people. So they're a little light, all right. So, so you stick 'em on your dick, you can shave, shower, they don't get in the way. You throw 'em in a drawer when you're done. "Yeah, use my socks as a pillow honey." "Wait, a mouse went under the table, get the fucker." Could you imagine being a maitre d at a fancy restaurant and a couple midgets come in for dinner? What do you say? “Table for, ugh, I don't know, fuck, three quarters?" Midgets, man. What do they do when a midget is missing? Put 'em on the back of a container of Half & Half?"
  • You ever date a chick with a hunch-fucking-back? I did. I’m in a grocery store with this chick, the security guards were all over her, because they thought she was trying to smuggle a turkey under the back of her fucking jacket. I had a hunch. I had a hunch they’d stop her with that bad fucking back. They should have a telethon for hunchbacks. That’s- that’s what I think. They bring ‘em out on a string like a pack of camels. [mimics a hunchback walking] “Bump be dump bump.” I think something could be done. Chip the fucking thing off. You ever date a chick with buck-fucking-teeth and a hunch-fucking-back? Huh? Oh, just trying to talk to a bucktooth fucking chick is incredible. [Forces his mouth into an overbite] “Hey. You want to go to a movie?” “Shut up stupid! Pop the cork on this bottle.” And to make love to a chick with buck-fucking-teeth and a hunch-fucking-back is a complete horror show. You’re in bed with them and it’s like you’re on a seesaw. You know what I’m saying? They’re like [forces his mouth into an overbite again] “Ugh, it feels so good. It feels so good.” “Shut up!”
  • Go ahead, marry her. Don't marry her, man. How do you know where she's been? Huh! How do you know she's not the biggest fucking whore to ever walk this fucking town, man? I went with this one girl, she was such a fucking tramp, I had to double park my dick on her ass and wait an hour to get in. It's unfuckingbelievable, I'm telling ya.

Andrew Dice Clay

    • This citation is too vague. If complete source details are not provided, the quotation may be deleted.
  • Let me ask you a question...: the first time you fucked her, was she any good? Yeah? Now let me ask you another question: how do you think she got that way?
  • Lets say you're fuckin', lets say you're fuckin', I dunno, you're fuckin' dog style right. Lets say you're fuckin' dog style, and the chick gets pregnant. I mean, uhhhhh would the kid pop out backwards? I dunno. I saw a girl walkin' around the street with a big hump on her back and I said, "Eh, youz fuckin' dog style right?"
  • Like look at these Japs. These madame butterfly wok-using little nip motherfuckers! I mean I go into a bank and the name of my bank is hiuhuyuyuyu! They're takin over! Didn't we drop 2 bombs on them a few years ago? What was in those bombs, fuckin' fertilizer? And they're the worst drivers; I mean, how do you drive with your eyes 3/4 closed? You could blindfold these people with fuckin'dental floss! You don't give them keys to a car! You don't put your money in their fuckin' bank! You kick em in the ass and say "Get the fuck out of the country!"
  • I go into these all-night 24 hour convenience stores, they got people in there. People? Things. These aren't even people, they don't even have a language to things that work in there. You go in for soda, cigarettes. You're like, "Yeah, how much? How much?" And they're like "Eh gooey buck and dee! Ah gooey buck--" And I'm like, you fuckin' geek! Where do they grow you? What farm were you picked out of?
  • I don't see too many faggots in Philly, you know? Out in L.A., Manhattan, you got 'em all over the place. Brooklyn we don't have any gay people. They're all dead.
  • I think the best part of being gay is when you're done [with sex], you could turn over and talk about football.
  • And bisexuals. Let me explain something to you. There is no bisexual. You either suck dick, or you do not suck dick. I mean, what do these guys do, get up in the morning and flip a coin to decide? Heads I want hairpie, tails- balls across the nose! Oh! And they're too sensitive man. They don't know if they wanna be called gays, fairies, homosexuals. I call 'em cocksuckers! I think that about spells it out. The gays want their rights, I'll give them their rights. 10% off of vaseline now get the fuck back in the closet!
  • Fucking midgets. Where are all of them tonight? They're applauding that there's no fucking midgets. Nobody cares. I'm the only one. I'm the good Samaritan. I bet not one person in this room today woke up today thinking, "How can I help a midget today? What can I do to make the life of a midget that much more betters like?" Just me. And you know what it is? Nobody cares. Cause it's a punishment. If it wasn't, God would have throwed two or three of them down here, we'd have a few laughs and that would be the end of it. But everybody wants to be reincarnated, but not everybody's so good my friend; I tell ya that right now. Now we take it down to street level. Not everybody's so good. So what does God do? He's gotta come up with a plan, "I gotta send 'em all back?". So he calls one of them over, "I tell ya this. I'm gonna give you a little Tonka-toy body and I'm going to throw on a seventy-eight pound fucking head. Yeah, that's you, go ahead, go back, have a good time. Here's a little pen knife, you can cut peoples' feet when you get mad, go ahead. And by the way, your arms are going to be two inches too short to whack your fucking bag." Could you imageine that? Not being able to jerk off- these fucking midgets- their hands are coming out of their armpits they're so fucking tiny. Not being able to jerk off, now that is a punishment alone. Midgets don't get to jerk off. They don't get nothing, they don't get no parking in the mall. There's no parking spots. You see like little stick figures drawn out; 'Little pieces of shit park over here'. No, they got to cross those streets with everybody else. And when I see a midget crossing a crowded street, I tell you this; it's like a video game to me. Some times they make it, most of the time they don't. I see a midget crossing the street, I floor the fucking gas pedal; that's the end of it. That's all, bye-bye. Even if a cop stops me, like two blocks away, he's like "You see what you did back there?". And I'm like "Yeah? What happened? What happened now?" "Ya-you hit a midget." "A midget? I thought it was a big fucking bird. I'm sorry. You'll clean that up, right?" "Yeah, go ahead, don't worry about it. It's a midget. Who's looking?" But you know what they can do? They can grow real people. I studied middie-midget-midgetology. I do all that. I read books up. I go to the liberry and shit. I don't make this shit up. They can grow real people. Could you imagine? You're twelve years old, you're eight feet eight, and your parents are midgets? You'd rule the house. There are no laws for you. What, are you going to wait until you are seventeen to take the car? You're like "Hey, pop, put the Gerber's down and jump out of the highchair, I want to talk to you a minute. Get the fuck over here now!" And they come wobbling over like little fucking weebles. These little fucking dopey bastards, "Yeah, what is it son?". "Give me the keys to the car, I'm going to go cruisin'". "I don't think it's a good idea." "Oh, you don't? How 'bout I throw you in the doghouse with the pitbull for three weeks, huh? How 'bout I take all the food from the refridgerator and stick it in the fucking freezer? I'll starve you to death you little cocksucker. You need me." Do you understand a shower to a midget is like torrential rains? It's like a fucking tornado in there. That a bathtub could be the death sentence if you're not there to shut the water off with his little prick. "Give me the keys, pop, or the water just keeps rising up. Give me the fucking k-" "[makes drowning noises]" "Fuuck you!"

Nursery Rhymes

  • Little Boy Blue...he needed the money!
  • Jack and Jill went up the hill
    Both with a buck and a quarter
    Jill came down with $2.50! The fucking whore!
  • Jack be nimble,
    Jack be quick,
    Jack burnt off his fucking dick!
  • There once was an old lady who lived in a shoe,
    She had so many kids her uterus fell out!
  • Georgie Porgie Puddin' and Pie
    Jerked off in his girlfriend's eye
    When her eye was dry and shut
    Georgie fucked that one eyed slut!
  • Twinkle, twinkle little star,
    How I wonder what you are.
    Shine upon the parking lot,
    As I eat my girlfriend's twat!
  • Eenie meenie miney moe,
    Suck my dick and swallow slow!
  • Peter Peter pumpkin eater,
    Had a wife, loved to beat her
    Smacked her twice across the head,
    Fucked her ass and went to bed!
  • Hickory dickory dock,
    Some chick was sucking my cock.
    The the clock struck two,
    I dropped my goo and dumped the bitch on the next block!
  • Little Jack Horner
    Sat in the corner eating a pizza pie.
    He shit pepperoni, and blew his friend Tony
    Then wiped his mouth on his tie!
  • Little Miss Muffet
    Sat on a tuffet,
    Eating her curds and whey.
    Along came a spider,
    And sat down beside her and said,
    Yo, what's in the bowl bitch?
  • Jack Spratt could eat no fat,
    His wife could eat no lean.
    So Jack ignored her flabby tits,
    And licked her asshole clean!
  • Mary, Mary quite contrary,
    Trim that pussy it's too damn hairy!
  • Little Bo Peep fucked her sheep
    Blew her horse and licked his feet.
    She ate his asshole very nice,
    Tongued his balls not once, but twice!
  • Three blind mice, see how they run.
    Where the fuck are they going?
  • Patty cake, Patty cake
    Baker's man.
    If your chick's on her period
    Just fuck her in the can!
  • Roses are red,
    Violets are blue.
    I fucked your mother's ass,
    And she had you!
  • Old Mother Hubbard went to her cupboard
    To get her old dog a bone
    And when she bent over, Rover took over!
    She got a bone of her own
  • Hickory Dickory Dock
    My balls fell out of my jock.
    I laid them to rest
    On some hooker's chest
    And paddled her face with my cock.
  • Roll, roll, roll your cunt
    Gently down my prick.
    Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
    Then you'll suck my dick.
  • Hey diddle diddle,
    The cat and the fiddle,
    The cow jumped over the moon.
    That's more than my lazy wife does,
    The fat, fuckin' smelly baboon
  • Little Miss Muffet
    Sat on a tuffet
    A lightbulb was stuck up her ass.
    It woke up the spider
    Who lived deep inside her.
    He said "Hey, free electric and gas."
  • Jack and Jill went up the hill
    And Jack would try to hump her.
    Jill said No / and Jack said So
    I'll ram it in your dumper.
  • Twinkle twinkle little star,
    Will she blow me in the car.
    I bought her dinner, she had fun.
    My balls are boiling, I'd like to come.
  • Old Mother Hubbard
    Went to the cupboard
    To get her old dog a snack.
    The cupboard was bare,
    She didn't despair.
    She let Rover munch on her crack
  • Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater.
    Whacked off in the movie theater.
    Sprayed his load across the screen
    And ruined Titanic's final scene
  • Jack and Betty, up in a tree
    F-U-C-K-I-N-G
    First comes Betty, then comes Jack
    Then comes the goo from Betty's crack.
  • Rock-a-bye baby, on the tree top
    Your mother's a whore,
    I ain't your pop.
  • Doe, a deer, a female deer.
    Ray, the guy that fucked her ass.
  • Rub a Dub Dub
    Three men in a tub.
    Faggots have threesomes, too-
    So fuckin' what.
  • Old Mother Goose...
    I fucked her.
  • Jack and Jill went up the hill
    High on blunts and all.
    Jack pulled down his pants
    and Jill said damn that shits small.
  • Rub a Dub Dub
    Three men in a tub.
    Fuck this shit it's gay.
  • I fucked your mom
    I fucked her good.
    I fucked her better than your dad could
  • Suck my balls
    suck my dick
    dont smack it around
    I dont play that shit.

Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater, knew a chick but couldn't meet her. Saw her brother one fine day, sucked his cock, now he's gay!

External links

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