Introduction

Asad 'Breathy Lies' Akhtar (born April 14th, 1989) is a celestial, godly entity and omnipresent phenomenon, as well as the self-christened "greatest martial artist of all time". He once professed to beating 5,000,000 Kung-Fu masters simultaneously, whilst blindfolded. He has revealed previously that he can teleport at a speed which contravenes every physics law ever created. He is also well known as the boss of the ubiquitous Pakistani mafia, and enjoys creating computer games in his spare time. He allegedly created a complex RPG game, which was compatible on the following consoles: Xbox, Playstation 2, Gamecube, Game Boy, Megadrive, and Chut Lies Extreme Console 2000x.

Akhtar is renowned for taking long, unexplained trips to his homeland. During Autumn in 2001, Asad departed for Pakistan for over 6 weeks, he was missing during September 11th and was presumed involved. Whilst attempting pointlessly to complete school, he disappeared on over 5 separate occasions, citing family reasons (his grandfather died, on average, every other month and he appears to have dozens of recently deceased uncles).

Traumatic Birth and Revenge Plot

Asad is the son of moderately wealthy Pakistani businesspeople, who, on arrival in England, were mercilessly slaughtered by racist, possibly Nazi, police officers. This event occurred directly prior to Asad's inception: he was extracted artificially from his mother's slain corpse, and doctors noticed no apparent abnormalities following this highly unorthodox birth, although they did inquire as to whether there had been a sewage leak at the time...

As Asad grew he was informed of the terrible fate his parents endured, his sister, also named Asad, was the unfortunate one who broke the news. In an inhuman, volatile rage of green bin-breath chut-lies, Asad vowed to seek revenge for their deaths, once he had become a proficient enough fighter to do so. He trained in Jujitsu, Taekwondo, Karate-do and along the way he invented his Crane Swallow Chutney Breath Asphyxiation Style. He vehemently denies that a fixation with the videogame Shenmue fuelled his curry-addled quest for revenge. This was contested by many who suggested that his new Ryo Hazuki spiky hairstyle was pushing it just a tad too far.

The Javelin Story

As a youngster, aged 5, during one of his many trips to Pakistan, Asad was out hunting lions, when he was allegedly hit in the temple by a javelin, thrown by a Nazi Australian Ivory hunter. Dr Patel suggested that Asad had days to live, however Asad claims to have been given a magical panacea by one of the lions in Pakistan. This apparently cured Asad's wound, and gave him superhuman strength, as well as an unexpected increase in pogonotrophy (facial hair growth). However, this whole story is extremely dubious. The most uncertain aspect of the story is the ever-changing identity of the actual weapon that reportedly hit him and caused this magical, altruistic lion to assist him. At various times Asad has stated that the following items hit him during this event:

Javelin

Ninja Throwing Star

Arrow

Nothing - it was actually a battle scar from the 5,000,000 man fight

Missile

Mafia Gunshot

Nothing - it was all a lie

CHRIS IS GAY.

School life and Relationships

According to notorious Quantum Mechanics professor, and religious zealot, Jefferson Quilantang, a schoolmate of Asad, he could not simply attack the police establishment gung-ho, as it may upset their grandmothers. He suggested that Asad should adopt a more subtle approach when exacting revenge, and advised that he should discard his Muslim faith, in favour of the Church of Christ, which was created in 1914.

Asad, whilst not bowing down to Quilantang's religious bullying, enlisted him as his most trusted friend and ally. This relationship had been building up nicely since around 2002. By 2005, Quilantang has mustered up a resistance to Asad's malodorous breath, devising a scheme which allowed him to circumvent the hassles of breathing in Asad's array of unnatural oral toxic waste. The plan was simple: simply take a scientific step back whilst conversing with Asad, Jeff's knowledge of physical laws meant that the longitude and latitude of his backtracking steps were sufficient enough to cancel out the stench of curry breath. However, with Asad being a close talker, he regularly stepped in towards Jeff, meaning that Quilantang often had to take multiple backward steps during conversations, causing the two to move around the site of Hampstead School unconsciously and involuntarily. This was detailed thoroughly in an pseudo-academic book written by failed rap musician, Vincent Marsden (a.k.a. Vin Vincible).

During his torturous time at Hampstead School, Asad revelled in the act if truancy, becoming the official #1 Truant in the whole of North West London (excluding all London Borough of Brent based schools, where attendance is inversely proportional to killing sprees). This title of official #1 Truant was later awarded to Niall Trace, for surpassing Asad's bunking habits, whilst contemporaneously nosebleeding and taking in copious amounts of marijuana.

Relationship With Mafia

Throughout his lengthy pursuit of his parents' killers, Asad had numerous run-ins with the typically conservative Pakistani Mafia. They implored Asad to reconsider his vengeful trip, arguing that it was bad business, and may cause the closure of many Pakistani-run stores (which formed 98% of London's retail infrastructure). Asad merely dismissed their claims with an atypically nonchalant and acerbic comment: "chut off". His breath allegedly drowned poor Mr Singh, who was just two days from retirement from the Padrink Store. His funeral was due to be held on 21st October 2005, however it was cancelled, due to lack of curry for the mourners.

Asad once apparently missed school as he was dealing with numerous members of the Mafia, situated outside of his house in The Vale. Apparently gunshots were fired, however they deflected off Asad's titanium cranium and blew up a nearby oil canister, causing an almighty explosion, which killed all the Mafia members, and dented Asad's stepfather's Mitsubishi Four-wheel drive vehicle. Asad was forced to pay £15.43p towards the repair of the car, and his Katana was confiscated for 3 days as punishment. He reportedly cried upon learning this news. In an ambiguous move, Asad consequently vowed to gain revenge on his stepfather, for depriving him of his weapon, however he subsequently went on to kiss him on the mouth...

On 7th December 2005, Asad assumed full control of the Pakistani mafia, after its remaining members feared another breath strike if they did not bow down to his wishes. Asad is currently using the mafia to perform scouting missions, as he pursues his parents' killers, whilst also searching for the world's most powerful mouthwash.

Ownership of The Vale

Asad once asserted ownership of The Vale, a lengthy road connecting Golders Green with the top of Cricklewood Broadway. He once ejected two unwanted visitors from the road, chasing them into a nearby Royal Mail outpost. Asad's newly paved driveway outside his house in The Vale was severely damaged by an unnamed Supremely Class Fellow, who dragged a Temporary Bus Stop across it. Asad chased the mystery assailant out of The Vale, brandishing some kind of broom-like device of unholy affliction, whilst also donning some pretty pink furry slippers. Mrs Burrows, at Number 42, apparently suffered a small cut to the top of her eyebrow during this incident, Asad verbally apologised to her later that day (the whereabouts of Mrs Burrows is currently unknown).

Penchant For Lying

Whilst examining Asad in-depth, many of the world's most reputable scientists have claimed that his penchant for lying is a bi-product of his tremulous and problematic childhood. Asad is said to often lie thoughtlessly, neglecting to consider the consequences of his vindaloo-infused actions. One such tragic example came on a fateful night in 2003, when Asad recommended the shockingly awful Dreamcast videogame, Outtrigger, stating convincingly that "Outtrigger is good". It is difficult to gauge the veracity of many of Asad's comments, so we, even with the aid of the scientific research, can't really tell what is truthful, and what is not. Additionally, the flurry of curry that follows most of his verbal outpourings can disorientate the listener, thus blurring the lines between reality and hyperspace. An argument has arisen to suggest that his breath is an evolutionary trait used to keep people from sussing his mendacious and dishonest habits. Despite this ambiguity, below details one of his best known and loved lies, involving a simple orange tree (oh, what fun times):

The Denying of his Orange Tree: Asad often denied that he owned an orange tree, even though visitors to the front of his home (nobody is ever allowed in), have commented that an orange tree is clearly visible, perched in the Akhtars' back garden. Asad once attempted to execute Vincent Marsden, after he sought to investigate the location of the tree.

The Money Tree: After being quizzed mercilessly about the orange tree, Asad formulated a devious counter-lie, implying that the tree in his back garden was actually a literal money tree, which spawned notes in Pound Sterling. It was advised that Asad should use this newfound wealth to purchase some non-camel soiled clothing, whilst also investing in some sort of dandruff removing shampoo. Asad's money was never once glimpsed, and this turned out to be yet another scratching on his bedpost of ridiculous untruths.

Asad: The Inventor

Asad, possessing much spare time, occasionally revels in the task of inventing something spectacular. There is no tangible evidence that he has actually created anything, however he has ascribed the notion of Peer-to-peer networks to himself, specifically, Kazaa. Asad has often triumphantly avowed that “I create Kazaa”.

Asad also created a top-secret computer game (source: Asad), which he claims was accepted for publication by Namco, Konami, Sega and Square Enix, among others. The game has not since seen the light of day, and Asad reportedly sent an irate letter to each of these companies, requesting to know the status of his game. Unfortunately, whilst trying to seal the envelopes shut with his own saliva, Asad accidentally melted his letters, due to his release of several killer toxic gasses, and consequently gave up pusillanimously.

Unstable Behaviour

Asad has often exhibited curious and seemingly random behaviour; most notably, utterly random acts of violence, and attempts at assassinating close friends with an assortment of deadly bodily fluids.

The strangeness of Asad's behaviour reached its pinnacle after one of his trademark arbitrary trips to Pakistan. Upon return, he wrapped the arm of a Godly & Class Emperor round a guard rail, twisting it at least 600° anti-clockwise. Strangely, the victim of his barbaric act felt no pain, but was feeling a little queasy...

During the same fateful day, as Asad was bidding goodbye to his pals, uncharacteristically shouting "goodbye" at the top of his voice, whilst he stealthily emitted nuclear waste in the form of a spit projectile, which hit fridge-raiding beast, George Byles, in the face, causing severe burning and several tumours. The following day, Asad denied any involvement in the incident claiming that he was busy brushing his teeth all day, attempting to remove the numerous shit stains, pointlessly, I might add.

Intergalactic Space Travel

Asad once remarked, when asked why he had missed the previous school day, that he had travelled to Mars and back for the day, taking numerous photographs of extraterrestrial life and sub-lifeforms with his Inter-Stellar Chut Camera-o-lies. He said that his brother, another Asad, helped him build a spaceship from the remnants of a wall which Asad destroyed after erroneously One-Inch Punching it during a battle with Godzilla, Batman and Buddha.

Asad once invited his bestest buddy in the whole wide world, Jeff Quilantang, to come to Mars with him, however Asad later reneged on the deal, noting that Jeff was far too religious to last the journey.

Asad's breath thickens in space, say noted Astrophysicists, this means that due to Asad's continual presence in the galaxy, intergalactic travel is now only available to certain Asian countries, who can withstand the stench of toxic chutney-infested curry.

Pegasus

Asad purchased Pegasus during a recent trip to heaven, to have a chat with Jesus about Omni-Politics. Pegasus performs simple errands for Asad, such as cooking and feeding him curry. There is a painting of Pegasus enshrined in Asad's mythical Chut Palace.



Pegasus has become ill recently, following a fixed diet of chutney biscuits, which have caused a cyst in the back of its mouth. Asad tried to give Pegasus mouth-to-mouth one night while it was sleeping, which only accentuated the cyst, and Dr Vishnu gave 'Peggy' 45.5 days to live. Asad is currently on holiday in Pakistan searching for a certain magical Lion...

Prior to Pegasus' illness, Asad planned to use it in his epic, never-ending battle against the Nazi police. Asad disclosed to close pal, Jeff Quilantang, that he would utilise Pegasus' flying abilities to get above the local police station, and drop a nuke upon them, that was given to him for his birthday by Osama Bin Laden.

Asad has planned to paint Pegasus green or brown in the future, as he is constantly staining his perfectly white skin.

A crack team of psychologists and psychoanalysts determined, on 23rd May 2006 that Pegasus is unequivocally a figment of Asad's imagination, and is merely another quirk of his character. Asad, on 1st June 2006, passionately denied this, he stated that he is characterless, and that Pegasus is as real as the RPG game that he's created or the 5,000,000 man battle. He then shrouded himself in a web of breath and disintegrated seamlessly into the night. Two virgins were apparently sacrificed to the underworld that evening. Lucifer was unavailable for comment, although Asad has supposedly dined with him recently.

Current Activity

Asad is apparently doing an art and design course, somewhere in London. He suggested that he may apply to Cambridge University...once everybody had pulled themselves from the floor, his breath promptly sent them back down again! Asad denies any involvement in the July 7th London Bombings, although early reports implied that his breath triggered off the bombs.

Rumour has it that Asad has decided to return to his homeland, Pakistan, as he is tired of racial discrimination. He will apparently move back on the 22nd December 2006. However, the only current sources supplying this information are massively dubious (Asad himself), and therefore this may be an evil hoax.

He is allegedly currently in the process of creating an arcade.

Asad In Popular Culture

The boardgame 'Asadopoly' was created in honour of the chut one. Here is the premise of the game, from its creators:

"Asadopoly" the timelessly classic boardgame based on
the unwashed breathaliser's humorous escapades, with
numerous
classic Asad phrases, including the legendary "money
in basement" lie, as well as many other 'calumnious
comments' (consult a dictionary).
Instead of 'Jail' there is the 'Dentist's Chair' and
also the 'Bargain Bucket Mouthwash Wholesale Store'.

The idiom "to do an Asad" (to lie pathologically)is based on Asad's ability to consistently lie convincingly.

A simple explanation of Asad's lies can be found on the My Space page of pathetic failed rapper Vincent Marsden. http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=121002454 This has helped popularise Asad, and thus he has gained credibility in ghetto circles.

Asad Trivia

In 2002, a complex and untested hypothesis that Asad's breath caused the big bang and consequently the creation of life was formulated by a group of seventeen Albert Einstein impersonators. This theory has been commonly praised as the most logical explanation to the conundrum that is the creation of everything we know. Asad, to date, has not denied it, this has worried many scientists, who fear that it may all be a lie.

Asad may or may not own a property in Chinatown.

Asad is, in one way or another, responsible for 74% of the world's natural disasters, causing calls from some quarters that they should be renamed, "Chutural Disasters".

Asad broke the world record for the world's longest bunking spree.

His favourite videogame is Shenmue

His favourite book is Bullshitting: for Dummies.

Asad refuses to accept the offer of breath mints, chewing gum, or any other oral cleansing products, as they are "against his religion". He has boycotted toothpaste and mouthwash all his life.

Asad has not boycotted toothbrushes, and due to the odour of his breath, many believe that he brushes his own teeth with his own excretion, claiming "it's good for the soul".

Asad can reportedly see the future. Unfortunately, he could not utilise this gift practically, as when he applied for a job as a weather forecaster, he was rejected, after it was theorised that his breath would counter any prognosticative abilities that he may possess.

Asad's dandruff can clever disguise itself during snow days.

Asad's 'Morning Breath' has claimed the lives of 350 people this year.

Asad's name means 'The Lion' in Arabic, as his mother thought he was the product of a fling with a lion in 1988. However, test scans prior to her murder revealed that he was indeed the son of her husband, as they shared the same 'beard at birth' gene.

Asad suffered an ingrown toenail during a battle with Hercules, and subsequently missed 12 weeks of school after having it removed.

Asad once missed a day of school after falling down a flight of stairs, and "breaking his neck".

Asad's favourite band is Rammstein, he feels he can identify with their fairytale-esque lyrics.