Benjamin Emmanuel Stein (born April 4th, 1986), in Texas, is an American student at Johns Hopkins University. His most noteworthy contributions to modern humanity are his scientific theories of armor production, his incredibly pungent smell, and his LiveJournal updates consisting solely of pictures or politically motivated twenty-six pages of text about marijuana.

Personal background

Ben Stein was born in Dallas, Texas on April 4th, 1986 to Solomon Stein, a Poland-born economist, and Debra Stein, a consultant widely regarded as overbearing and anal-retentive, or in Stein's own words, a "bitch," or a "psychotic bitch." He was raised as a Jew, and espouses pride in this while simultaneously denouncing religion. He also dabbled in orthodox Christianity from ages 16 to 18. Ironically, he considered himself a "Jew for Jesus" during these trying times, rebelling against his "bitch" of a mother who would not let him go out during his high school years.

He attended elementary school at Mohawk Elementary. He was frequently teased and beaten up by the cool kids and spent many hours crying while playing with his flaccid penis. He developed an accute interest in science, specifically areas relating to military matters, including industrial physics and chemical engineering. If not for his Jewish heritage, Stein could easily have been mistaken for your stereotypical dumb, gun-toting southern redneck during this time. He had no friends and girls shunned him. However, he thought he was popular.

Stein has one testicle and an unusually small penis. He frequently spends hours engaged in relentless masturbation, often while thinking about Melissa DeCourcey and/or Matt Stacey. Though the details are a heated debate among his "friends," the only release of sexual frustraion young Ben Stein had was with his "girlfriend" Beckie (see section entitled "High School").

Stein has a younger brother named Sam. They look the same.

Junior high

Stein attended Parkhill Junior High School in Richardson, Texas. He was considered to be annoying by his friends, his peers, guys, girls, teachers, custodians, administrators, his parents, his grandparents, small children, and cute animals. He got most of his amusement in life by making oft-crude jokes he thought were funny, but were in fact awkwardly unfunny and stopped any conversation to a screeching halt. He also developed a strange obsession with British humor, which in retrospect makes sense because he and said humor are equally devoid of funniness.

He began to play oboe in the junior high band. He was very high-ranked in the band system, not due to any innate skill, but because his raging "bitch" of a mother forced him to practice for three hours a day. Historians and many observers at the time agree that the way he played his oboe greatly resembled the human sexual act of fellatio, which may have foreshadowed to the later revelation of his intense homosexuality.

He was active in athletics and running, something which may have led to his funny misconception that he was part of the popular crowd amongst his peers, when in fact he was regarded as strange, alienating, and distinctly unlikeable.

High school

Ben Stein spent late 2001 in marching practice at J.J. Pearce High School. He frequently returned home and cried, struggling with the feelings of latent homosexuality and low self-esteem he grappled with on a daily basis. He cried and cried and asked his mother to hold him so he could know what love was, but she usually slapped him instead. This led to an early 2002 suicide attempt via an overdose of sleeping pills, a very girly way to kill oneself.

During this time he began to develop his scientific theories. Such can be seen in the mad, erratic scribblings of his journal: "So this morning I wake up and realize that this is the solution I have been searching for to use in my invincible armor design. The outer layer was going to be a basic "shirt" of woven carbon nanotubes, which would be nearly inpenetrable, and impervious to all weapons (you think I'm joking)."

Clearly, Stein was suffering from delusions of grandeur and a mild to moderate case of psychosis. This psychosis came into play when he asked out a girl named Beckie in his class during his junior year, a clarinetist in the band in which he played. She was just like his mother, and actively practiced abstinence, and despite all his sad, often desperate, and sometimes pathetic attempts into her nubile vagina, all Stein managed to do was kiss her and feel her breasts through her sports bra. Truly, his tale is a sad one.

At one point, after Beckie cheated on him with his friend Adam and dumped his lone testicle, Stein found himself naked in a Texas lake with a young and probably ugly girl. According to contemporary claims, he made out with her and came close to having sexual intercourse, but his efforts were eventually rebuffed, because even ugly has standards.

After developing paranoid schizophrenia and erectile nonfunction, Stein found himself rejected from Stanford University, but he was glad to be accepted into Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland. The last semester of high school was spent masturbating, throwing traffic cones into pools, and shaking uncontrollably. He graduated in the top 10% of his class in GPA, and the bottom 10% of his class in popularity and physical attractiveness.

College and current events

In autumn of 2004, Stein moved to Baltimore, finally escaping from his "bitch" of a mother and unknowingly allowing his friends to finally escape from him, which was pleasing to them. He joined the crew team and spent long hours rowing a boat, which was very exciting to no one. He is studying for a degree in material engineering, and will graduate a virgin.

He spent the first year at JHU learning how to give massages, and spent long hours touching the naked backs of girls who were only using him. He developed a sardonic sense of humor and spent long hours criticizing other in speech and writing, which was of course only to guard against his own crippling loneliness and desire for the sweet release of death.

Stein currently resides in Montana before his departure in fall of 2005 to Baltimore again, where he will finally come to terms with his homosexuality and find temporary love in the sweet embrace of a virile young man named Tony.

Quotations

"I would like to thank you for a valuable service you have unknowingly provided me over the years: that is, a de-boner. Whenever I have an erection I need to get rid of, I think of you, and BOOM! Instant erectile erradication!" ~ Stein to Stephanie Merlin

"I thought I was popular..." ~ Stein to himself

"Here's to hoping the grizzly bears get me before the angry rednecks do." ~ Stein on Montana

"And remember kids, you don't have to be gay!" ~ Stein on homosexuality

"I'm better than you... and it shows." ~ Stein on his imaginary perceived self

"Matt is gay." ~ Stein on Matt

"I'M SORRY IF I GO TO A SCHOOL THAT REQUIRES SOME INTELLIGENCE AND READING SKILLS YOU FUCKING FUCKTASTICAL FUCKTARDS. I FUCKING HAD TO FUCKING READ THIS FUCKING THING AT 1 IN THE FUCKING MORNING AND I'M FUCKING NOT FUCKING COMPLAINING SO FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK. FUCK." ~ Stein on JHU

"This is a warning to all those who under any circumstances come into contact with matt, DO NOT BEND OVER IN HIS PRESENCE. Trust me, the loss of one's sphincter control is not fun during cross country practice." ~ Hinting at homosexuality