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Chandler Muriel Bing
Chandler Bing.jpg
Chandler Bing played by Matthew Perry
First appearance The Pilot
Last appearance The Last One
Created by

David Crane

Marta Kauffman
Portrayed by Matthew Perry
Information
Nickname(s) Bing, Sir Limps-a-Lot, Chan Chan Man, Duck, Ms Chanandaler Bong, Bing-a-Ling, Mr Big, Toby, Skidmark, Chaunsey, The Funny One, The Dropper
Occupation IT Procurement Manager
Junior Advertising Copywriter
Family Mother Nora Bing
Father Charles Bing
Wife Monica Geller
Son Jack Bing
Daughter Erica Bing
Brother-in-law Ross Geller
Niece Emma Geller-Green
Nephew Ben Geller-Willick-Bunch

Chandler Muriel Bing[1] is a fictional character on the popular US television sitcom Friends (1994–2004), played by Matthew Perry.

Contents

Background

Chandler Muriel Bing, son of erotic novelist Nora Bing (Morgan Fairchild in four episodes) and cross-dressing Vegas burlesque star Charles Bing (Kathleen Turner), was Ross Geller's roommate at college. Chandler is half Scottish (revealed in Season 7 Episode 15 "The One With Joey's New Brain").

Chandler met Ross's sister, Monica Geller, and her friend Rachel Green while celebrating Thanksgiving with the Geller family during his first year at college. On a tip from Monica, Chandler later moved to Apartment #19 in Greenwich Village, Manhattan, across the hall from the apartment of Monica and her roommate Phoebe Buffay. At this time, the unseen character Kip was Chandler's roommate but moved out before the series began. There is some confusion regarding how Kip left the group. In the 5th season, it was revealed that Kip had dated Monica, however, he was slowly phased out of the group once they broke up. In another episode, Chandler mentioned that he had gotten married and left the group. Although, it is possible that both of these scenarios could be true. Chandler's next roommate, Joey Tribbiani, completed the group.

Throughout most of the series, Chandler was an executive specializing in statistical analysis and data reconfiguration. He later quit and became a junior copywriter at an advertising agency.

Relationship with Monica Geller

At the end of season 4, Chandler began a secret relationship with Monica Geller in London. They had been friends for some time and had met when Chandler and Ross went to college together. Chandler began dropping hints that he was interested in Monica during the first season and genuinely increased his efforts in season 3, but Monica thought he was joking and expressed little interest in a romantic relationship. At Ross and Emily's wedding in London, a somewhat intoxicated Monica and Chandler slept together and immediately began dating (a few years later, Monica revealed that she had actually gone to Chandler's hotel room seeking an encounter with Joey). Monica and Chandler tried to keep their relationship secret, not wanting the others to make a big deal out of it, but they all eventually found out. Joey guessed after they went away for the weekend, but promised them not to tell anyone. Rachel found out after listening in on a phone call, and Phoebe saw them through the window to Ross' new apartment (both Rachel and Phoebe found out without Monica and Chandler noticing). Because Chandler and Monica did not tell them, Rachel and Phoebe tried to get them to admit their relationship. Correspondingly, Monica and Chandler tried to get them to admit that they knew, and a silent battle broke out (with Joey as the go-between) and ending with Phoebe and Chandler together, but Chandler finally cracked and admitted his love for Monica. After all the commotion, Ross later found out the same way Phoebe did.

The two moved in together at the beginning of season 6, Chandler proposed by the end of the season, and they were married at the end of season 7. Their wedding was officiated by Joey, who was ordained over the Internet. In the final episode, Monica and Chandler (who were unable to conceive) watched as their adopted twins, Erica and Jack, were born, though they had expected only a single child. Chandler has also had many problems with Monica's ex-boyfriend Richard (portrayed by Tom Selleck), whom he and Joey had briefly idolised before Chandler and Monica started dating, mostly because of Richard's mustache and macho appearance.

Monica also sometimes got on Chandler's nerves because of her bossiness, neatness, and overly competitive nature. This forced Chandler into several situations, such as Monica being unable to throw a game of tennis against Chandler's boss and Chandler's having to hide the fact that he is incredibly good at ping-pong to keep Monica from entering them into doubles-tournaments.

In the alternate reality episode of "The One that Could Have Been", Monica is still fat and Chandler does not show much interest in her. However, when Monica's current boyfriend gets called out to work during dinner, they sleep together and Chandler falls in love with her, so the two end up together anyway.

Jack and Erica Bing

Born May 6, 2004

Twins Jack and Erica appear in the final episode, when biological mother Erica (Anna Faris) gave birth to them. Everyone, except the doctor, was shocked as Erica had not realized she was expecting twins. Erica said the doctor, at an antenatal appointment, had said "both heartbeats sound strong" and assumed he meant her and the baby. Chandler and Monica were a little shocked and discussed having the other baby adopted by someone else, but soon decided to adopt both when Monica said that they could not split them up.

Chandler and Monica, unable to conceive, are selected by Erica to adopt the twins. Jack was named after his adoptive grandfather and Erica after her biological mother. They are shown in Apartment 20, with the rest of the group before leaving for their new home.

Friendship with Joey Tribbiani

Chandler famously shared an apartment with his best friend Joey Tribbiani. Chandler and Joey's apartment became an important focal point for the series as one of the few meeting areas of the gang. The two formed a close and enduring friendship, and got into many humorous situations. Their adventures included losing Ross's infant son, Ben, on a bus; Chandler's dismay at Joey building an "entertainment unit" which was so big it partially covered both of their bedroom doors; buying a chick and a duck (affectionately named "The Chick and The Duck"); and replacing their dining table with a foosball table. A famous running gag suggested them as an old married couple when they argued, with Chandler usually assuming the wife role and Joey assuming the husband role. (Although in one of the episodes where Joey's new roommate Janine is present, Joey takes the more woman-like role of their argument with comments such as "Why would you say that? It's just mean!" and "It's not what you said; it was the way you said it", due to Janine's feminine qualities rubbing off on Joey).

The two started off on the wrong foot when Chandler was looking for a roommate and Joey came to fill the slot, only Chandler had already chosen a roommate – a fashion photographer with a porn-star sister. But after Mr. Heckles (the grumpy old man who lived in the apartment below Monica and Rachel) told the photographer that he was Chandler's new roommate, the photographer left disappointed and never moved in. This forced Chandler to give the keys to Joey and they found out they had a lot in common – sports and beer. He also introduced him to watching the women of Baywatch (especially Yasmine Bleeth).

Chandler often supported Joey throughout the show, paying the rent, paying for Joey's headshots, and buying most of the food. However, in the alternate reality of "The One that Could Have Been" these roles are reversed as Chandler struggles with finances while Joey rakes in the money. At one point, Joey helps out Chandler by allowing Chandler to be his assistant.

The two "broke up" temporarily after Joey found success as "Dr. Drake Ramoray" on the daytime soap opera Days of our Lives. When 'Dr. Drake Ramoray' was killed off and Chandler became freaked out by his new psychopathic roommate Eddie, the two soon moved back in together.

Once Chandler moved in with Monica, Joey and Chandler remained close as neighbors instead of roommates. In the final episode, Monica destroyed the foosball table in order to save Chick Jr. and Duck Jr., before she and Chandler moved to Westchester. Despite no longer living in the same apartment block, Chandler and Monica made it known that their new home would have a specially designated 'Joey room' above the garage.

Chandler often (jokingly) refers to Joey as a childlike family member, stating to Ross in "The One with Rachel's Other Sister" that if he can not have Emma when Ross, Rachel and Monica died, then Ross couldn't have Joey, in the event of Chandler's death.

Humor

The character of Chandler is noted for his wise-cracks and sardonic attitude, which provides a defense mechanism. His most famous phrase is the rhetorical question "Could this be any more...?" and is used on the show as a source of humor many times, primarily mocking from the other friends (indeed, the other friends actually make fun of the line more often than Chandler says it).

Some of the humor used by Chandler includes him describing Rachel's attempts to stop him smoking by throwing away every cigarette he puts into his mouth as "the least fun game ever", quoting A.A. Milne as having said "Get out of my chair, dillhole!" in an attempt to persuade Joey to vacate the chair he had been sitting in, and his insistence that his surname (Bing) is Gaelic for "thy turkey's done". His humorous conversations with Phoebe ranged from why Donald Duck wears a towel when getting out of the shower, to why there isn't a superhero called "Goldman" (inspired by Spider-Man). When he and Joey are trying to pick up women, he would be referred to as 'The Funny One'. It was revealed he had the nickname "Skidmark" at summer camp.

Throughout the show, Chandler claims he started using humor as a defense mechanism when his parents broke up, and tends to make jokes when he is nervous. In fact, when Phoebe dates a psychologist named Roger, he states that Chandler's behavior is textbook of someone who does. His co-workers were so used to his sarcastic jokes that any serious comment he made was thought to be another joke. At one point, the Friends even challenged him to not make fun of his friends for an entire week as his New Year's Resolution; this proved difficult when, among other things, Ross started dating a woman named Elizabeth Hornswoggle. He eventually broke down and sarcastically demanded, "And, Ross, Hornswoggle? What, are you dating a character from Fraggle Rock?"

In season 9, Chandler became jealous of Monica's new colleague, Jeffrey, because she claimed that he was 'the funniest guy she had ever met.' He told Joey about the situation, and Joey agreed that Chandler had a right to be upset: "Bein' funny's your thing!" In an early episode, Joey's father, visiting the neighborhood, suggests "Chandler, say something funny!" to defuse a tense moment, implying Chandler's sense of humor is well-known to Joey's family. However, Chandler's humor is usually seen as annoying throughout the show. The friend who tends to find Chandler's jokes most annoying is Rachel. In "The One Where Joey Dates Rachel", Joey asks Rachel who she would want to punch out of all of her friends. Rachel refuses to answer, until Joey says "Chandler?" Rachel replies "Yeah, but I don't know why." In "The One with Phoebe's Wedding", Rachel has to choose who will be Mike's last groomsman. Ross tries to convince Rachel that if she picks Chandler, he will make jokes the whole way down the aisle. Rachel realizes that fact, and tells Ross that he is the lesser of two evils. Chandler is also made fun of for his name many times in the series.

When Chandler is going for a job interview, which he is nervous about, he is told by Phoebe that he does not make a good first impression as he makes too many jokes. He asks for her help in preparation for the interview, and Phoebe tests him by saying, "Instead of talking about what you don't do, let's talk about what you do do." When Chandler avoids joking about it, Phoebe responds by saying "Nice side step on the doo doo thing" and Chandler replies, "Hardest thing I've ever done in my life." Later, at the actual interview, the boss mentions "duties" (which, with an American accent can sound like "doodies") and makes several innocuous references to excretion, which Chandler nervously sidesteps. After the interview, he explains to the boss that it "was hard to sidestep that doo doo thing" much to the boss's confusion, he explains to him that "duties" are "poo" which offends the boss, thus ruining the first impression.

Gay innuendo

Chandler often found himself in difficult situations or making statements that made him sound gay. His friends and colleagues described him as having a certain "quality" that made people think he could be gay. He also often had long "gay" hugs with Joey. At one point, he entered a room full of the Friends and declared, "Well, don't we look nice all dressed up? ...It's stuff like that, isn't it?". In the Season 4 episode "The One With Joey's New Girlfriend", Chandler invites Kathy to sit in the canoe with him, and asks her whether she would rather sit in the bow or the stern of the boat. Kathy replies saying she does not have a preference and asks Chandler which he prefers, to which he replies, "I like it in the stern... (long pause) ...of the boat!". In another episode, when Phoebe is wondering whether to propose to Mike, Chandler says, "If I were a guy... did I just say 'if I were a guy?'" The show's creators were actually considering making him gay at the beginning of the series, but ultimately decided not to. The creators had Chandler reveal that he is, in fact, straight in the eighth episode of the first season,in "The One Where Nana Dies Twice", when a colleague of his offered to arrange a date with a man for him, thinking he was gay. He tells his friends about this, but he soon realizes that they also thought he was gay when they initially met him. However, when telling a gay colleague of his that he was not gay, the colleague replied, "I know," and told him that all gays have some kind of "radar".

After Chandler played a prank on Ross by posting on their college website that Ross had sex with dinosaurs, Ross created a page for Chandler and put on it that Chandler was "as gay as the day is long" with digitally edited images of Chandler and a policeman. Many of the alumni congratulated Chandler on revealing this fact. As a retort, Chandler posted on Ross's page that he had died. Another instance which insinuated Chandler's homosexuality was when Ross exposed Chandler's kiss with a man to Monica. Ross had stated "Now, Chandler isn't the type of guy who goes to bars and makes out with girls," placing an emphasis on "girls" which caused Monica to scream, "You kissed a guy?!" to which Chandler replied, "In my defense, it was very dark, and he was a very pretty guy!"

Much of Chandler's sexual ambiguity stems from his childhood, as do other personality traits such as smoking and resorting to humor. The oldest is his middle name, Muriel, revealed in "The One with Rachel's Date". On Thanksgiving when Chandler was nine, his father announced that he was gay and that he intended to divorce his wife, because he would "rather sleep with the house-boy than [her]." The house-boy says, "More turkey, Mr. Chandler?" in a very feminine voice just after this announcement. Charles Bing later moved to Las Vegas where he opened up an all-male burlesque called 'Viva Las Gaygas,' featuring such musical numbers as "It's Raining Men", where he became a drag queen named Helena Handbasket (played by Kathleen Turner). While seeing the show in Las Vegas, Chandler tells Monica that when he was growing up, he "played the one on the far left," referring to the line of men on the stage. As a result, Chandler hates Thanksgiving and refuses to eat traditional Thanksgiving food. Chandler also highlights this as the point where he began to use humor as a defense mechanism and started smoking (despite his young age).

Further amusement emerged when listening to a self-help hypnosis tape designed to prevent him from smoking. Unfortunately the tape was designed for females and Chandler came under the suggestion of being a 'strong confident woman'. This manifested itself in Chandler applying ChapStick like a woman applying lipstick and blotting with a tissue, and emerging from the shower with a towel around his bosoms and a turban on his head. He also tells Rachel that she is wearing a "stunning blouse". Eventually Joey overhears the tape and tampers with it, recording a message within it suggesting that Chandler should make him "...a cheese sandwich every day..." and buy him "...hundreds of dollars' worth of pants".

Janice Litman Guralnik (née Hosenstein)

Prior to his relationship with Monica, Chandler had an on-off relationship with Janice Hosenstein played by Maggie Wheeler, who became a recurring fixture in his life. With her big hair, her nasal voice and laugh, and her tendency to say "Oh... my... God!" (with noticeable pauses in between each word and hands flapping in sync), Chandler spent most of his time trying to end things with her. After finally breaking up with her in the season 1 episode "The One with the East German Laundry Detergent", Chandler found himself involved with Janice twice more that season and several more times throughout the show.

There seems to be only one point in the entirety of the show where Chandler and Janice's relationship went well, without him feeling the need to end things. During the Season 2 finale, Chandler began chatting to a woman on an internet chat room, who told him that her husband (the Mattress King) was sleeping with his secretary. He then agrees to meet up with her, only to find that the woman he was chatting to was Janice all along. The finale ends with Chandler passionately kissing Janice. The relationship continues into Season 3, where Joey reveals his unyielding hatred for her, claiming that every time she laughs, he wants to "rip off my own arm so I have something to throw at her!" He then makes an effort, for Chandler, to like her and be comfortable in her presence. At the end of The One With The Race Car Bed, Joey enters the Mattress King store, and sees Janice kissing her ex-husband in his office. In The One With The Giant Poking Device, Joey finally decides to tell Chandler this, who confronts her about it. He tells her that Joey saw her kissing her ex-husband, she replies with "In the park?" He is shocked by this and asks her if she is breaking up with him. When she says no, he asks her if she is breaking up with her ex-husband, she again says no as she cannot decide between the two. After a talk with Joey, Chandler decides to back off, due to the fact that she has a child with her ex-husband, and that there may be a chance for the family to work things out. He then changes his mind at the last minute, saying that he "was babbling. Pick me!" She decides that the right thing to do is to go back to her ex-husband and try to make things work with him.

One of Chandler's final attempts to leave her once and for all involved him claiming he was moving to Yemen (address: 15 Yemen Road, Yemen), and actually boarding a plane and flying to Yemen. (It was not actually his plan to go all the way to Yemen but Janice wanted to see the plane take off as a final goodbye). "I guess I'm going to Yemen! (to a little old lady) When we get to Yemen... can I stay with you?"

In Season 5, Janice has a fling with Ross, who is horrified when he is accused by her of being too whiny. When confronted by the Friends, Janice defends the relationship by using the fact that Chandler is in Yemen, believing that he had remained there. Ross is worried about telling Chandler but he is merely amused until Ross makes a speech about who friends can't go out with and gives an example of "other friends' relatives" and then Chandler, who is secretly dating Monica at the time, says (while handing Ross money) that he is angry about it and that Ross should remember that "he forgave him and also gave him $27."

A further appearance comes when Monica inadvertently invites Janice to dinner when she discovers that Monica and Chandler are engaged. This leads to Janice inviting herself to Monica and Chandler's wedding and so (to ensure that she does not come) Monica tells Janice that Chandler still has feelings for her, to force her to leave. Janice does so in surprise and wishes them a lifetime of happiness, although this is tempered when she whispers to Chandler as she leaves, "you call me when this goes in the pooper."

A later appearance from Janice is at the birth of Ross and Rachel's baby, Emma, when Janice announces to a surprised delivery room that the baby she is carrying is Chandler's. She cackles hysterically and confesses that it is a joke moments later, pointing out that she and Chandler haven't slept together in years.

In the final season, Janice planned to move in next door to Chandler and Monica in Westchester. In order to prevent this, Chandler suggested that they pick up where they left off and that he never stopped loving her (we actually learn her full name at this point). Fearful that they might ruin their marriages, Janice removes her bid on the house, although she does kiss Chandler one last time.

Janice has appeared in every season of Friends, except Season 6, where only her voice is heard on a mix tape that she had previously made for Chandler while they were dating, as well as appearing in a clip show.

Career

Chandler worked as an IT Procurement Manager with the specialization "Statistical analysis and data reconfiguration", a job which he thoroughly loathed. It remains a running joke through most of the seasons that no one quite knows what he does. His friends, in a trivia game, could not guess his job in one instance, with Rachel hysterically calling him a "transponsder." Joey once said "Jeez, Chandler, you call yourself an accountant?", to which Chandler incredulously replied, "No..." Everyone else would go on to admit that they had no idea what he really did for a living. Monica admits several times that she doesn't pay attention when he talks about his work, but finally learns what he does when he quits in season 9 episode 11 — she calls it Statistical Analysis And Data Reconfiguration. To which Chandler looks at Monica and asks: "I quit and you learn what I do?" (but he does mention his job title in "The One with the Cooking Class," (season 8), a job which inspired Chandler's oft-referenced office slang word "WENUS" (Weekly Estimated Net Usage Systems), as well as the "ANUS" (Annual Net Usage Statistics). Because of this job Chandler appears to be the most financially well off among the six friends for the most part of the series and is also shown to hold a position of authority in his company. This may also explain his hesitation in quitting.

However, Chandler was unable to simply quit his job as it was his nature to avoid ending anything forcefully, be it his job, a relationship, or even his membership with a gym. Chandler tried to quit his job in season 1, but was lured back by a huge raise and a yearly bonus structure. During one of the presumed many meetings that Chandler endures, he falls asleep. After awakening, he realizes that his boss has selected him to head up the new corporate division in Tulsa, Oklahoma. On Christmas Day, Chandler quits his job in Tulsa so that he can fly home to New York to be with Monica. Monica helps Chandler secure a job in advertising. Much to Chandler's dismay, the job is as an intern. He soon secures a full-time job in the business.

In an alternate reality storyline during the show ("The One that Could Have Been"), Chandler did have the guts to quit his job and worked as a freelance writer, specializing in comics.

Trivia

  • In a crossover, Chandler Bing appeared in Caroline in the City, the main character of which appeared on "The One with the Baby on the Bus" that same night.
  • Chandler has the last line spoken by a cast member of the series. He says "Where?" when the others suggest to go get coffee for a last time.
  • John Bennett Perry, the real-life father of Matthew Perry, appeared in "The One with Rachel's New Dress" as the father of Rachel's boyfriend at the time, Joshua.
  • The name Chandler is a surname named for an archaic trade – a chandler was a candle maker which is occasionally a given first name.
  • Chandler was originally meant to get together with Rachel instead of Monica. This relationship was trialed in "The One with the Flashback", but the audience did not have a strong response. Chandler and Monica's relationship was trialed in "The One at the Beach" and "The One with the Jellyfish". The audience reacted better to the idea of Monica and Chandler as a couple, so Monica was chosen to end up with Chandler.
  • In an episode of Scrubs Matthew Perry appeared as a character named "Murray" which was revealed to be a reference to Chandler's middle name "Muriel".
  • Kisses with other characters:
    • Chandler has obviously kissed Monica numerous times in the series. The first time was offscreen in Season 3, "The One Where Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister". After getting extremely drunk at Joey's birthday party, Chandler became "overly friendly" by sticking his tongue down the throat of a girl named Veronica. It is then revealed that it was actually Monica. He also kissed both Rachel and Ross while drunk. He kisses her onscreen for the first time in Season 5, "The One After Ross Says Rachel", where he and Monica are trying to have sex one last time before leaving London.
    • Chandler and Ross kissed (offscreen) in Season 3, "The One Where Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister". After getting extremely drunk at Joey's birthday party, Chandler became "overly friendly" by sticking his tongue down Monica's throat. He apologized for his behavior, at which Rachel and Ross also forgive Chandler for kissing them.
    • Chandler kisses Phoebe (offscreen) in Season 3, "The One Where Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister" Their first onscreen kiss occurs in Season 5 episode "The One with All the Kissing.". Chandler first kisses Monica goodbye, but after suddenly remembering that they are keeping their relationship secret, Chandler covers up by kissing both Phoebe and Rachel. This continues throughout the episode, every time Chandler says goodbye, until finally the women (including Monica) put a stop to it.
    • Chandler first kissed Rachel in 1987 when Rachel and Monica went to a college party at Chandler's school, as revealed in the Season 10 episode, "The One Where the Stripper Cries". After Chandler sees Ross kissing a girl he likes, he makes out with a drunken Rachel.
    • Chandler and Joey kiss in Season 1, "The One with the Monkey". This happens because Chandler desperately wants someone to kiss him after the ball dropped, and so Joey obliges.

References

  1. ^ Middle name "Muriel" established in "The One With Rachel's Date"

External links


Quotes

Up to date as of January 14, 2010
(Redirected to Friends (TV series) article)

From Wikiquote

Friends is a sitcom about a group of friends in the New York City borough of Manhattan that was originally broadcast from 1994 to 2004. It was created by David Crane and Marta Kauffman, and produced by Kevin S. Bright, Marta Kauffman and David Crane.

Contents

Season 1

The One Where Monica Gets A Roommate (A.K.A. The Pilot) [1.01]

Phoebe: [singing]
Love is sweet as summer showers,
Love is a wondrous work of art.
But your love, oh your love, your love
Is like a giant pigeon...
Crapping on my heart.

Rachel: [excited] Guess what?
Ross: You got a job?
Rachel: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve interviews today.
Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.
Rachel: [showing them a box and then handing it to Monica] Well, you would be too if you found Joan and David boots on sale, fifty percent off.
Chandler: Oh, how well you know me.

The One Sonogram at the End [1.02]

Chandler: I think, for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean, it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.
Ross: Yeah, and — and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that — that... that's not... why we bought the ticket.
Chandler: You see, the problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again. Y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically, just trying to stay awake.
Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.
Joey: Are we still talking about sex?

Rachel: You're a twin?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. We don't speak. She's, like, this...high-powered, driven, career type.
Chandler: What does she do?
Phoebe: She's a waitress.

The One with the Thumb [1.03]

Phoebe: There's five hundred extra dollars in my account.
Chandler: Oh! Satan's minions at work again.
Phoebe: Yes, coz I have to go down there and deal with them.
Joey: What are you talking about? Keep it!
Phoebe: It's not mine! I didn't earn it. If I kept it, it would be like stealing!
Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!

[Phoebe finds something in her can of soda.]
Ross: A thumb?
Joey: Ewwww!
Phoebe: I know, I know. I opened it up, and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker.
Chandler: Maybe it's a contest, you know, like, "collect all five."

The One with George Stephanopoulos [1.04]

Monica: Hey Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey: Probably kill myself.
Monica: Excuse me?
Joey: Hey, if little Joey's dead, then I've got no reason to live.
Ross: Joey, omnipotent.
Joey: You are? I'm so sorry.

[Rachel opens her first paycheck.]
Rachel: Isn't this exciting! I earned this! I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally... not worth it. Who's FICA? Why's he getting all my money?

The One with the East German Laundry Detergent [1.05]

Ross: It's amazing, okay? You just reach in there, there's one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. All right? As far as I'm concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right?
Rachel: Come on! You guys can pee standing up.
Chandler: We can? All right, I'm trying that.

[Chandler and Phoebe both get ready to break up with their significant others.]
Phoebe: This is nice. We never do anything just the two of us.
Chandler: It's great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies.

The One with the Butt [1.06]

[The gang watches Joey's performance in Freud!, a local musical.]
Joey: Well, Eva, we've doon some excellent work here, and I would have to say, your problem is qviiite clear.
[singing]
All you want is a dingle,
What you envy's a schwang,
A thing through which you can tinkle,
To play with, or simply let hang!

Monica: What? So you guys don't mind going out with someone else who's going out with someone else?
Joey: I couldn't do it.
Monica: Good for you, Joey.
Joey: When I'm with a woman, I need to know that I'm going out with more people than she is.

The One with the Blackout [1.07]

Phoebe: [singing]
New York City has no power
And the milk is getting sour
But to me it is not scary
'Cause I stay away from dairy.

Chandler: You know, on second thought, gum would be perfection.
Jill Goodacre: [gives him a strange look and a stick of gum]
Chandler: [thinking] Gum would be perfection. Gum would be perfection. I could have said gum would be nice, could have said I'll have a stick. But no no no no no, for me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself.

The One Where Nana Dies Twice [1.08]

Chandler: [after being told by everyone he makes a gay first impression] So... what is it about me?
Monica: I don't know....You...you have a quality.
Everyone: Yeah. Absolutely. A quality.
Chandler: Oh, oh, a quality! Good, because I was worried you guys were gonna be vague about this.

[Ross' grandmother woke up from being "dead" and then died.]
Mr. Geller: She may have died.
Aunt Lillian: She may have died?
Mr. Geller: We're looking into it.

The One Where Underdog Gets Away [1.09]

Ross: Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian.
Susan: Yeah, you know, you have to take a course, otherwise they don't let you do it.

Ross: [talks to the unborn baby in Carol's abdomen] And everyone's telling me, "You gotta pick a major, you gotta pick a major." So on a dare, I picked paleontology. And you have no idea what I'm saying because, let's face it, you're a fetus. You're just happy you don't have gills any more!

The One with the Monkey [1.10]

Phoebe [singing]:
I made a man with eyes of coal and a smile so bewitchin'
How was I supposed to know that my mom was dead in the kitchen?
La lalala laaa la lala La lalala la la...
My mother's ashes, even her eyelashes, are resting in a little yellow jar.
And sometimes, when it's breezy, I feel a little sneezy...

Rachel: So I'll be just as pathetic as the rest of you.
Phoebe: Yeah, you wish.

The One with Mrs. Bing [1.11]

[Rachel hands out copies of her steamy romance novel draft to the gang.]
Rachel: Oh, and — and on page 2, he's not reaching for her heaving beasts.
Monica: What's a niffle?
Joey: You can usually find them on the heaving beasts.
Rachel: All right, all right, all right. So I'm not a great typist…
Ross: Wait! Did you get to the part about "his huge, throbbing pens"? Well, yeah, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those!
Phoebe: I just got to the part about "her public hair."

Chandler: What are you guys doing out here?
Ross: Uh... uh... Well, Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball game. But, um, apparently, somebody overslept.
Joey: Yeah, well, you don't have your racket.
Ross: No, no I don't, because it's being restrung. Somebody was supposed to bring me one.
Joey: Yeah, well you didn't call and leave your grip size.
Chandler: Okay, you guys spend way too much time together.

The One with the Dozen Lasagnas [1.12]

Joey: Ross, did you really read all these baby books?
Ross: Yup! You could plunk me down in the middle of any woman's uterus, no compass, and I can find my way out of there like [snaps fingers] that.

Ross: Wasn't it supposed to be just a fling, huh? Shouldn't it be... flung by now?

The One with the Boobies [1.13]

Ross: Wait, what were you doing seeing her boobies?
Chandler: Look, it was an accident! It wasn't like I was across the street with a telescope and a box of doughnuts!

Ross: All right, all right. We're all adults here. There's only one way to resolve this. Since you saw her boobies, I think, uh, you're gonna have to show her your peepee.
Chandler: You know, I don't see that happening.
Rachel: C'mon, he's right. Tit for tat.
Chandler: Well, I'm not showing you my tat.

The One with the Candy Hearts [1.14]

Chandler: Oh, man. In my next life I'm coming back as a toilet brush!

Janice: I brought you something.
Chandler: Is it loaded?

The One with the Stoned Guy [1.15]

Chandler: Can you see my nipples through this shirt?
Rachel: No. But don't worry, I'm sure they're still there

Ross: Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood?
Joey: How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free.
Ross: Hey, does anyone know a good place if you're not dating a puma?

The One with Two Parts, Part 1 [1.16]

Phoebe: [about why she and her twin sister Ursula don't get along] It’s mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know. I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know... Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking. Even though I did it, later that same day. But to my parents, by then it was like, "Yeah, right, so what else is new?"

[At the Lamaze class, mother-to-be Carol panics after seeing a videotaped birth.]
Ross: Everything's going to be all right.
Carol: What do you know?! No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi! Is that your nostril? Mind if we push this POT ROAST THROUGH IT?"

The One with Two Parts, Part 2 [1.17]

Ross: I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.
Chandler and Joey: That's nice.
Ross: No, no. With him. I'm on this field, and they... they hike me the baby. And I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defense is coming right at me.
Joey: Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.
Ross: Right, but it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us.

Chandler: Okay, worst case scenario. Say you never feel like a father.
Ross: Uh-huh.
Chandler: Say your son never feels connected to you, as one. Say all of his relationships are affected by this.
Ross: Do you have a point?
Chandler: You know, you'd think I would.

The One with All the Poker [1.18]

Rachel: Can you believe what a jerk Ross was being?
Monica: Yeah, I know. He can get really competitive.
Phoebe: Ha, ha, ha!
Monica: What?
Phoebe: "Oh, hello, kettle? This is Monica. You're black."

[The gang is playing poker.]
Rachel: I will see you... and I'll raise you. What do you say... want to waste another buck?
Ross: No, not this time. [he folds] So what'd you have?
Rachel: I'm not telling.
Ross: Come on, show them to me. [He reaches for her cards. Rachel covers them up]
Rachel: No!
Ross: Show them to me!
Rachel: Get your hands out of there! No!
Ross: Let me see! Show them!
Chandler: You know, I've had dates like this.

The One Where the Monkey Gets Away [1.19]

Joey: All right, all right. You're a monkey. You're loose in the city. Where do you go?
Chandler: Okay, it's his first time out, so he's probably gonna wanna do some of the touristy things. I'll go to Cats, you go to The Russian Tea Room.

Samantha: Do you know anything about fixing radiators?
Joey: Um, sure! Did you, uh, did you try turning the knob back the other way?
Samantha: Of course.
Joey: Oh. Then no.

The One with the Evil Orthodontist [1.20]

Chandler: I got her machine.
Joey: Her answering machine?
Chandler: No. Interestingly enough, her leaf-blower picked up.

Joey: Mr. Peanut is a better dresser. I mean he's got the monocle, he's got the top hat...
Phoebe: You know he's gay?
Ross: I just wanna clarify this: Are you outing Mr. Peanut?

The One with the Fake Monica [1.21]

Rachel: Monica, would you calm down? The credit card people said that you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought.
Monica: Still... it's just such reckless spending.
Ross: I think when someone steals your credit card, they've kind of already thrown caution to the wind.
Chandler: Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.
Monica: That was me.

Joey: My agent thinks I should have a name that's more neutral.
Chandler: Joey... Switzerland?

The One with the Ick Factor [1.22]

Ross: I can't believe you two had sex in her dream.
Chandler: I'm sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and it was someone else's subconscious.

Chandler: Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream.
Rachel: No, forget it.
Chandler: Oh, why not. Was I doing anything particularly... saucy?
Rachel: All right, fine. Um, you were not the only one there... Joey was there, too.
Joey: All right!
Ross: Was there... uh, huh, huh, huh... anybody, anybody else there?
Rachel: No.
Ross: You're sure? Nobody uh, handed out, uh, mints or anything?
Rachel: No, it was just the three of us.
Ross: Huh!
Joey: So, tell me. Was it, like, you and Chandler, and then you and me, or you and me and Chandler?
Rachel [laughing]: You know what?
Joey [laughing]: What?
Rachel [laughing]: There were times when it wasn't even me.
[Chandler and Joey laugh until they look at each other]
Phoebe: That is so sweet, you guys. [hugs them]

The One with the Birth [1.23]

Phoebe: [singing]
They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch,
Soon they'll grow up and resent you so much.
Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why,
You cry and you cry and you cry.
And you cry and you cry and you cry...
[Ross gives Phoebe a dollar]
Phoebe: Thanks, Ross!
Ross: Yeah. I'm paying you to stop.

Chandler: All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have a baby?
Monica: Why won't I be married when I'm 40?
Chandler: Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically.
Monica: Okay, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40?
Chandler: Uh... Uh....
Monica: What is it, is there something fundamentally un-marry-able about me? Well?
Chandler: Dear God, this parachute is a knapsack!

The One Where Rachel Finds Out [1.24]

[Joey tells the group about his participation in a fertility study.]
Joey: I mean, I just go down there every other day and… make my contribution to the project. Hey, hey — but at the end of two weeks, I get 700 dollars!
Phoebe: Wow! Ooh, you're going to be making money hand-over-fist!

[Chandler and Joey are talking like cavemen.]
Chandler: Men are here.
Joey: We make fire. Cook meat.
Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing. No get invited back.

Season 2

The One with Ross' New Girlfriend [2.01]

[Ross and Julie have just arrived from China]
Julie: We've gotta get some sleep.
Ross: Yeah, it's really 6:00 tomorrow night our time.
Chandler: Well, listen, don't tell us what's gonna happen though, 'cause I like to be surprised.

Joey: I've been with my share of women. In fact, I've been with like a lot of people's share of women.

The One With the Breast Milk [2.02]

Chandler: Come on, you're going to Bloomingdale's with Julie? That's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship.

[Monica wants to hide from Rachel the fact that she went shopping with Julie, so she creates an alibi.]
Monica: Phoebe, listen. You were with me and we were shopping all day.
Phoebe: What?
Monica: We were shopping and we had lunch.
Phoebe: Oh, all right. What did I have?
Monica: You had a salad.
Phoebe: Oh. No wonder I don't feel full.
Rachel: [enters] Hey, guys. What's up?
Phoebe: I went shopping with Monica all day and I had a salad.
Rachel: Good, Pheebs. What'd you buy?
Phoebe: Umm, we went shopping for, umm, for... fur.
Rachel: You went shopping for fur?
Phoebe: Yes... [realizes what she said] And then I realized I'm against that... and, uh, so then we bought some... [Monica is pointing at her chest behind Rachel's back] uhh, boobs.
Rachel: You bought boobs?
[Monica is yanking on her bra strap behind Rachel's back.]
Phoebe: Bras! We bought bras! We bought bras.

The One Where Heckles Dies [2.03]

Ross: Evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity.
Phoebe: Oh, okay — don't get me started on gravity.
Ross: You, uh, you don't believe in gravity?
Phoebe: Well, it's not so much that, you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just... I don't know. Lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.
[They hear a knock at the door.]
Chandler: Uh-oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed. Quick, Pheebs, up on the ceiling!

Rachel: [to Chandler] You're not gonna end up alone.
Phoebe: Chandler, you called Janice! That's how much you wanted to be with someone!
Monica: You made it!
Phoebe: You're there!
Rachel: You are ready to make a commitment!
Chandler: Whoa! Don't know about that.

The One with Phoebe's Husband [2.04]

Phoebe: You have a third nipple?
Chandler: [to Monica, who has just told everyone the big secret] You bitch.
Ross: Whip it out, whip it out!
Chandler: Come on, there's nothing to see! It's just a tiny bump. It's totally useless!
Rachel: Oh, as, as opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?

[Everyone is watching Joey's porno movie.]
Julie: So is there, like, a story, or do they just start doing it right... oh, never mind.
Chandler: Okay, now wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test I've ever seen.
Monica: All I say is, she better get the job.
Ross: Looks to me like he's the one getting the job.

The One with Five Steaks and an Eggplant [2.05]

Ross: Why is this woman leaving a message for you on my machine?
Chandler: Oh. See, I had to tell her that your number was my number, because I couldn't tell her that my number was my number, because she thinks that my number is Bob's number!
Ross: Hey, tell me again what I do when Mr. Roper calls?

[Ross, Chandler and Monica bought tickets for Hootie and the Blowfish concert for themselves and the others.]
Phoebe: I'm just gonna pass on the concert, 'cause I'm just not in a very Hootie place right now.
Rachel: Me neither.
Joey: Me, too.
Monica: Guys, we bought the tickets.
Phoebe: Oh, well, then you'll have extra seats, you know, for all your tiaras and stuff.
Chandler: Why did you look at me when you said that?

The One with the Baby on the Bus [2.06]

Phoebe: [singing] I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song. Stop me if you've heard it. My skin is soapy and my hair is wet, and Tegrin spelled backward is Nirget.

[Joey and Chandler are babysitting Ben.]
Joey: It's a known fact that women love babies, all right? Women love guys who love babies. It's that whole sensitive thing. Quick, aim him at that pack of babes over there.
Caroline: Hello.
Joey and Chandler: Hello.
Caroline: And who is this little cutie-pie?
Chandler: Well, don't, don't think me immodest, but, me?
Joey: You wanna smell him?
Caroline: I assume we're talking about the baby now.

The One Where Ross Finds Out [2.07]

Monica: Chandler, I'm unemployed and in dire need of a project. You wanna work out? I can remake you.
Chandler: Oh, you know, I would, but that might get in the way of my lying-around time.

Ross: You're over me? When were you... under me?

The One with the List [2.08]

Chandler: All right, check out this bad boy. Twelve megabytes of RAM, 500 megabyte hard drive. Built-in spreadsheet capabilities and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 BPS.
Phoebe: Wow. What are you gonna use it for?
Chandler: Games and stuff.

Chandler: Oh, I know. This must be so hard. "Oh, no! Two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!"

The One with Phoebe's Dad [2.09]

[The gang is decorating the Christmas tree]
Chandler: I remember my father dressed in the red suit, the big black boots and the patent leather belt, sneaking around downstairs. He didn't want anybody see him, but he'd be drunk, so he'd stumble, crash into something, and wake everybody up.
Rachel: Well, that doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas.
Chandler: Who said anything about Christmas?

[The gang is exchanging Christmas gifts]
Chandler: Ok, I guess that just leaves the gifts from Joey and Chandler.

The One with Russ [2.10]

[Joey has just gotten a terrible review of his acting in a play.]
Joey: I've been doing this for ten years and I haven't gotten anywhere. There's gotta be a reason.
Ross: Oh c'mon. Maybe you're just... paying your dues.
Joey: No, no, no, it's too hard. It's not worth it. I quit.
Monica: Wait, wait, wait, wait one minute. Wait a minute. I believe this will change your mind. [Reads from the paper] "In a mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiani was able to achieve brilliant new levels of..." continued on page 153... "sucking."

Joey: My agent just called me with an audition for Days of Our Lives!
Phoebe: Oh, well, we have to celebrate. You know what we should do? We should do, like, a soap opera theme.
Chandler: Hey, yeah, we could all sleep together and then one of us could get amnesia.

The One with the Lesbian Wedding [2.11]


Mrs. Green: [looks out the window] Oh my God, there's an unattractive nude man playing the cello.
Rachel: Yeah, well just be glad he's not playing a smaller instrument.

Mrs Green: Oh, this is so much fun, just the girls! Do you know what we should do? Does anybody have any marijuana?
Rachel: [Shocked] God!
Monica: All right, look. Nobody is smoking any pot around all this food!
Mrs Green: Well, that's fine. I never did it, I just thought I might. So, what's new in sex?

The One After the Super Bowl, Part 1 [2.12]

Rob: Maybe if you just played some... regular kiddie songs?
Phoebe: No. What do you, what do you want me to be — like some stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur?
Rob: I'm not saying you have to be Barney.
Phoebe: Who's Barney?

Ross: This is so exciting. I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year!
Chandler: What, you never look down in the shower?

The one After the Super Bowl, Part 2 [2.13]

Susie: Excuse me. Is your name Chandler?
Chandler: Uh, yes, yes it is.
Susie: Chandler Bing?
Chandler: Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?

[Rachel and Monica see Jean-Claude Van Damme on the set and Monica is smitten.]
Rachel: So why don't you go talk to him?
Monica: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah!
Rachel: What? So you go over there, you tell him you think he's cute. What's the worst that could happen?
Monica: He could hear me!

The One with the Prom Video [2.14]

Phoebe: It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what? You can actually see old lobster couples walking around their tank, you know, holding claws…

[The gang observes a video of a young, fat Monica getting ready for prom.]
Joey: Some girl ate Monica!
Monica: Shut up! The camera adds ten pounds!
Chandler: Oh. So how many cameras are actually on you?

The One Where Ross and Rachel...You Know [2.15]

Ross: You have a date? Who with?
Monica: No one.
Ross: C'mon, what's his name?
Monica: Nothing.
Ross: Come on, tell me.
Monica: All right, but I'm very excited about this, okay, so you gotta promise you won't get all big-brothery and judgmental.
Ross: Oh, I promise. What?
Monica: It's Richard Burke.
Ross: Who's Richard Burke? Doc... Doctor Burke? You have a date with Doctor Burke? Why, why, why should that bother me? I, I love that man, he's like a, uh, brother to Dad.

Ross Whoa, whoa, whoa! Australopithicus isn't supposed to be in that display. No, no, no, no, Homo Habilis was erect; Homo Austrapalithicus was NEVER fully erect.
Chandler: Well, maybe he was nervous.

The One Where Joey Moves Out [2.16]

Phoebe: Is this how it's going to work? Ross equals boss? What is this? 1922?
Rachel: What's with 1922?
Phoebe: Just... a really long time ago, when men used to tell women what do to a lot. And then there was suffrage, which is a good thing, but it sounds horrible.

[Phoebe and Rachel went to get tattoos. Phoebe chickened out.]
Rachel: Phoebe, how could you do this to me? This was all your idea!
Phoebe: I know, I know, and I was going to get it, but then he came in with this needle, and d—did you know they do this with needles?
Rachel: Really! You don't say! Because mine was licked on by kittens!

The One Where Eddie Moves In [2.17]

[Phoebe got a call from a producer.]
Phoebe: You are not gonna believe this: I have just been discovered!
Chandler: Now, wait a minute. I claimed you in the name of France four years ago!

[Joey stops over at Chandler and Eddie's during breakfast to pick up his mail.]
Joey All right, that's it! He just comes in here, "Johnny New Eggs," with his moving the mail and his "See ya, pals!" [imitates Eddie's salute] And now there's no juice. There's no juice for the people who want the juice and need the juice. I need the juice!

The One Where Dr. Ramoray Dies [2.18]

The One Where Eddie Won't Go [2.19]

[Rachel is upset that Ross is telling her to hurry up.]
Rachel: This isn't about the movie theater. This is about you stealing my wind.
Ross: Excuse me — your wind?
Rachel: How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?
Ross: You know, um... I don't have a... have a... problem with that.

Joey: Hey, Gunther. Let me get a lemonade to go.
Gunther: Lemonade? You okay, man?

The One Where Old Yeller Dies [2.20]

[Monica serves Chandler and Joey some leftover chicken.]
Monica: Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts, and a wing.
Chandler: Well, how do you find clothes that fit?

Chandler: Richard's really nice and everything. Uh... It's just that we don't know him really well, you know, and plus, he's, you know... old—
[Monica glares at Chandler.]
Chandler: —er than some people. But, uh, younger... than some buildings!

The One with the Bullies [2.21]

Rachel: Okay, Joey, the dog will lick himself but will not touch your sandwich. What does that tell you?

Joey [to Ross]: Haven't you ever gotten beat up before?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: I mean, by someone besides Monica.
Ross: No.

The One with the Two Parties [2.22]

[Rachel is shocked that her parents are at her birthday party]
Rachel: Both of them are here, both of them, both of them are here?
Chandler: Well, we could count again.

Chandler: Hey, some girl just walked up to me and said, "I want you, Dennis," and stuck her tongue down my throat. I love this party.
Joey: Quick volleyball question.
Chandler: Volleyball?
Joey: Yeah, we set up a court in your room. Uh, you didn't really like that grey lamp, did you?
Chandler: Joey, a woman just stuck her tongue down my throat. I'm not even listening to you.

The One with the Chicken Pox [2.23]

[Phoebe arrives to tell the gang about her submariner boyfriend.]
Phoebe: He resurfaces like every couple years and we have the most amazing three days together.
Rachel: So, wait — this guy goes down for, like, two years at a time?
[Chandler, mouth full, groans in frustration.]
Monica: That'll teach you to lick my muffin.
[Chandler, mouth full, groans in frustration again.]

Phoebe: We didn't do any of the romantic things I'd planned, like having a picnic at Central Park and, you know, coffee at Central Perk... Oh! I just got that!

The One with Barry and Mindy's Wedding [2.24]

[Mindy's maid-of-honor Rachel appears in a poofy pink dress.]
Rachel: I can't believe I have to walk down the aisle in front of 200 people looking like something you drink when you're nauseous!

[Rachel enters in her maid-of-honor dress and huge pink hat.]
Chandler: I'm sorry — we don't have your sheep.

Season 3

The One with the Princess Leia Fantasy [3.01]

Rachel: No way! The most romantic song ever was The Way We Were.
Phoebe: Uh, see, I... I think the one that Elton John wrote for, um, that guy on "Who's the Boss?"
Rachel: What song was that, Pheebs?

Phoebe: Um, Hold Me Close, Young Tony Danza.

[Joey can't believe Chandler is dating Janice again.]
Joey: Look, what do you want me to say?
Chandler: I want you to say that you like her!
Joey: I can't. It's like this chemical thing, you know. Every time she starts laughing, I just wanna... pull my arm off just so that I can have something to throw at her.
Chandler: Thanks for trying. Oh, and by the way, there is no "Count Rushmore"!
Joey: Oh, yeah? Then who's the guy that painted the faces on the mountain?

The One Where No One's Ready [3.02]

[Monica, not yet dressed for Ross's event, arrives shortly before they need to leave.]
Ross: It starts at eight. We can't be late.
Phoebe: We could not, would not, want to wait!

Ross: How can you not be going?
Rachel: Well, I'm not gonna go... so I think that will accomplish the not going.

The One with the Jam [3.03]

Monica [gives Joey a jar of jam]: Joey, this is for you. It's blackberry currant.
Joey: Aww. [tastes it] OHHHH!
Chandler: Hey, Joe, I gotta ask. The girl from the Xerox place buck naked [holds up one hand], or, or a big tub of jam. [holds up the other hand]
Joey: [nods] Put your hands together!

Rachel: What happened to your jam plan?
Monica: I figured out I need to charge seventeen bucks a jar just to break even. So, I've got a new plan now... Babies.
Chandler: Well, you're gonna need much bigger jars.
Ross: What are you talking about?
Monica: I'm talking about me having a baby.
Ross: What?
Monica: Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was, I was taking control of my life. So I asked myself, what is the most important thing to me in the world and that's when I came up with the baby plan.
Ross: Well, aren't you forgetin' something? What, what, what is, uh, what is that guy's name? Dad!

The One with the Metaphorical Tunnel [3.04]

Monica: Don't do that guy thing where you go all distant and mean just so that WE'LL break up with you
Joey: You know about that?

Joey: Stare into the barrel of a gun, pee into the wind!
Chandler: Joey, I assure you, if I were staring into the barrel of a gun, I would be pretty much peeing every which-way.

The One with Frank Jr. [3.05]

[Chandler enters the apartment to find Joey working with wood and the apartment filled with lumber]
Chandler: Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: Hey, hey, hey... so what happened — did a forest tick you off?!
Joey: You know how you're always saying we need a place for the mail?
Chandler: Yeah?
Joey: Well, I decided to take it to the next step.
Chandler: You're building a post office?

[While Chandler naps against the wall in his room, Joey is drilling though the wall. As he drills, the drill bit comes though the wall right next to Chandler, who slams the door at Joey.]
Joey: Oh! Uh, sorry, did I get ya?
Chandler: NO, YOU DIDN'T GET ME!! IT'S AN ELECTRIC DRILL! YOU GET ME, YOU KILL ME!

The One with the Flashback [3.06]

[Janice asks the six Friends if they have ever had sex with each other.]
Joey: Well, there was that one time that Monica and Rachel got together.
Monica: What?
Rachel: Excuse me, there was no time!
Joey: Okay, but let’s say there was. How might that go?

Chandler: I'm never gonna find a roommate, ever.
Phoebe: Why, nobody good?
Chandler: Well let's see, there was the guy with the ferrets, that's plural. The spitter. Oh-ho, and yes, the guy that enjoyed my name so much he felt the need to make a little noise every time he said it. "Nice to meet you, Chandler Bing, Bing! Great apartment, Chandler Bing, BING!"
Ross: So how many more do you have tomorrow?
Chandler: Two. This photographer, who seemed really dull. And this actor guy, who I'm not sure about, because when he called and I answered the phone "Chandler Bing," he said "Whoa, short message."

The One with the Race Car Bed [3.07]

Ross: When you guys were kids, and played, uh, "Happy Days," who were you? I was always Richie.
Monica: I was always Joanie!
Joey: Question. Was, uh, "Egg the Gellers!" the war cry of your neighborhood?

Phoebe: I'm not sure about buying a mattress from Janice's ex-husband. It's like cheating on Chandler.
Monica: Not at these prices!

The One with the Giant Poking Device [3.08]

Joey: If the Homo sapiens were, in fact, homo sapiens, is that why they're extinct?
Ross: Joey, Homo sapiens are people.
Joey: Hey, hey, I'm not judging!

[The gang is trying to see if Ugly Naked Guy is alive by using a "poking device".]
Phoebe: He's alive! ALIVE!
Monica: And yet, we're still poking him.
Joey: (quickly) Retract the device! Retract the device!
Ross: He does not look happy.
Rachel: And now he's showing us his poking device.
Joey: [to Ugly Naked Guy] Hey, that's never gonna reach all the way over here, buddy!

The One with the Football [3.09]

[The gang decides to play touch football.]
Joey: All right! We have to pick captains.
Chandler: And then Tennilles.

Chandler: Hold on a second, Joe. Where do Dutch people come from?
Joey: Ah, well, the, uh, Pennsylvania Dutch come from Pennsylvania.
Chandler: And the, uh, other Dutch people? They come from somewhere near the Netherlands, right?
Joey: Nice try! See, the Netherlands is this make-believe place where Peter Pan and Tinkerbell come from.

The One Where Rachel Quits [3.10]

The One Where Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister [3.11]

[After Chandler fools around with one of Joey's sisters.]
Phoebe: How can you not know which one?
Rachel: I mean, that’s unbelievable.
Monice: I mean, was it Gina?
Ross: Which one is Gina?
Rachel: Dark, big hair, with the airplane earrings.
Monica: No, no, no, that’s Dina.
Chandler: You see, you can’t tell which one is which either!

Chandler: Veronica. Look, it’s got to be Veronica, the girl in the red skirt. I definitely stuck my tongue down her throat.
Monica: That was me.

The One with All the Jealousy [3.12]

Joey: Guess who's in an audition for a Broadway musical.
Chandler: I want to say you, but that seems like such an easy answer.
Joey: It is me! It's a musical version of "Tale of Two Cities." So I think I'm gonna sing "New York, New York", and uh, oh, "I Left My Heart in San Francisco".
Ross: Ah, Joey, I don't think you get to pick the cities.
Joey: What?
Ross: Mr. Dickens gets to pick 'em.
Joey: Who?
Chandler: I'll get you the Cliff Notes.
Joey: The what?
Chandler: The abridgment.
Joey: Oh, okay. [to Ross] The what?

The One Where Monica & Richard Are Friends [3.13]

[Monica is returning a video.]
Clerk: Six dollars, please.
Monica: Six? I just had it for one night. It's three.
Clerk: Eight o'clock is the cut-off and — aww, it's 8:02.
Monica: You know, in a weird way, you have too much power.

[Richard shaved his moustache.]
Monica: Your lip went bald!

The One with Phoebe's Ex-Partner [3.14]

Phoebe: [singing]
Jingle Bitch screwed me over!
Go to hell, Jingle Whore!
Go to hell, go to hell,
Go to hell...

The One Where Ross and Rachel Take a Break [3.15]

[Ross brings a picnic basket to Rachel at work.]
Rachel: Ross, honey, this is very nice, but I — but I got a crisis!
Ross: Yeah, but I've got couscous!

[During Rachel's phone call, Ross loudly grinds pepper. Then his picnic basket catches fire from a candle.]
Rachel: Excuse me — I'm sorry, I'm going to have to call you back. I've got Shemp in my office.

The One with the Morning After [3.16]

Joey: Do you think I need a new walk?
Chandler: What?
Joey: Well, I've been walking the same way since high school. You know how some people walk in a room and everybody takes notice? I think I need a "take-notice" walk!
Chandler: Are you actually saying these words?

Chandler: All right, look. If you absolutely have to tell her the truth, at least wait until the timing's right. And that's what deathbeds are for.

The One Without the Ski Trip [3.17]

Phoebe: Oh, my God! This is like 60 Minutes, when at first you're really mad at that pharmaceutical company for making the drug and then, you know, you just feel bad for the people because they needed to make their hair grow.

Joey: It's never taken me a week to get over a relationship.
Monica: It's never taken you more than a shower to get over a relationship.

The One with the Hypnosis Tape [3.18]

Monica: Don't you think he's a little young to get married?
Phoebe: What? He's 18.
Ross: Exactly. It'll be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party.
Joey: Yeah, or — or to get a hooker.
Chandler: Always illegal, Joe.

The One With The Tiny T-Shirt [3.19]

Ross: [spying on Rachel and Mark through the peephole in Chandler and Joey's door] Here they come, here they come. If she kisses him goodnight, I’m gonna kill myself, I swear. I can’t watch this. Come on! Date over! Date over! Uh-oh, here we go. She's going in. She’s going in... Wait! He’s going in! He’s going in! The door's closed! I can’t see anything with the door closed!
Chandler: And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.

Chandler: You slept with someone three hours after you thought you broke up. I mean, bullets have left guns slower.

The One with the Dollhouse [3.20]

[Phoebe plays with a toy dinosaur while making barking sounds.]
Ross: Uh, Phoebe, while we're on the subject, dinosaurs don't go "Ruff!"
Phoebe: The little ones do.

The One with a Chick and a Duck [3.21]

Phoebe: You guys, do you know anything about chicks?
Chandler: Fowl? No. Women? ...No.

Chandler: Does anyone know how to take a chick out of a VCR??

The One with the Screamer [3.22]

[A bedraggled Phoebe misses Joey's play, having spent all night on the phone while kept on hold by customer service.]
Joey: Hey, Pheebs — where were ya?
Phoebe: I'm so, so sorry, Joey. I am definitely going to see your play. I swear, your play is very important to us. Thank you for your patience. Your play is the next play I'm gonna see.

Tommy: [petting a chick in his hand] Mr. Fuzzy Man, how you doin'? Aww... [The chick poos in his hand.] Ew! Oh, ew! Gross! IDIOT! STUPID LITTLE FUZZY YELLOW CREATURE! Ooh, look at me, I'm so cute, I'm a little chick who's DISGUSTING! God, you're so stupid, how are you not yet extinct?!
[The duck, hearing all the commotion, waddles into the kitchen and starts quacking.]
Tommy: Quack quack, quack quack! What are you quacking about?! DUMB DONALD DODO!
[Tommy looks up to see the gang in the doorway, staring at him in shock.]
Chandler: Step away from the duck.

The One with Ross's Thing [3.23]

Monica: I gotta go water Pete's plants. You know what? If he's gonna break up with me, maybe I won't water his plants.
Chandler: Well, if he's gonna break up with you, maybe Joey and I should water his plants, if you know what I mean.
Joey: Or — ha, ha! — we could go over there and pee on them!

Phoebe:[Talking about her fireman boyfriend] He even showed me charcoal drawings he drew of me. Well, he'd prefer watercolors — but, you know, he has easy access to a lot of charcoal.

The One with the Ultimate Fighting Champion [3.24]

The One at the Beach [3.25]

Rachel: I broke up with you because I was mad at you, not because I stopped loving you.
Ross: You still love me?
Rachel: No.

Season 4

The One with the Jellyfish [4.01]

[Joey defends his idea for alleviating Monica's jellyfish-sting pain.]
Joey: If I had to, I'd pee on any one of you!

[After another break-up fight, Ross storms out the door. Rachel yells after him.]
Ross: WE WERE ON A BREAK!!
Rachel: And hey, just so you know — it's not that common, it doesn't happen to every guy, and it is a big deal! [slams door, revealing Chandler behind it]
Chandler: I KNEW IT!

The One with the Cat [4.02]

Rachel: Wow, they really got you guys, your T.V., the chairs...
Phoebe: Yeah. Your microwave, the stereo...
Joey: Aw, man! He took the five of spades! 
[looks through deck] 
Oh no, no, here it is.

The One with the 'Cuffs [4.03]

Joanna: What are you doing?
Chandler: I'm getting dressed.
Joanna: Why?
Chandler: When I walk outside naked, people throw garbage at me.

[Joanna runs into her fawning assistant Sophie.]
Sophie: Hi! I brought you back a macaroon!
Joanna: Oh, great! I'll keep it in my butt with your nose.

The One with the Ballroom Dancing [4.04]

Joey: Please don't kick Monica and Rachel out! This wasn't their fault, it was mine.
Mr. Treeger: You want me to kick you guys out instead?
Joey: No, you can't do that. Where would the chick and the duck live?
Mr. Treeger: You have pets?
Joey: No-no-no-no, those are nicknames. I'm the chick and Chandler is the duck.
Mr. Treeger: Huh... I would've thought it was the other way around.

Mr. Treeger: Hey, Duck. Is Chick home?
Chandler: Uhh...
Joey: I'm comin.'
Mr. Treeger: Okay. [to Chandler] Thanks, man.
Chandler: No problem... bunny... rabbit.

The One with Joey's New Girlfriend [4.05]

Phoebe: Before I start, I just wanna say that I have a cold, so if I sneeze in the middle of a song, it's not on purpose. Oh, except the last verse of "Pepper people."

Joey: What the hell was that?
Chandler: What?
Joey: Kathy was being nice and you just walked away. I thought we had a deal.
Chandler: What do you want from me?
Joey: I want you to like her! But if that's too damn difficult for you, then the least you could do is pretend!
Chandler: I AM pretending.
Joey: Well, then do it better.
Chandler: Okay, uh, what do you say I go over there and tell her how much I like her? (Joey gives Chandler a thumbs-up.) No, no, it'll be good. I can tell her how much I've been thinking about her. That I haven't stopped thinking about her since the moment we met. That I'm so fantastically over-the-top want-to-slit-my-own-throat in love with her, that for every minute of every hour of every day I can't believe my own damn bad luck that you met her first!
Joey: Well, that's pretty good, but you wanna tone it down a little.

The One with the Dirty Girl [4.06]

Joey: Her place was really that bad?
Ross: You know how you throw your jacket on a chair at the end of the day? Well, like that — only, instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it's the end of time and garbage is all that has survived!

Cheryl: [Covers Ross' eyes] Guess who?
Ross: Department of Sanitation?

The One Where Chandler Crosses the Line [4.07]

Chandler: Look, I just think it's time for you to settle down, you know? Make a choice, pick a lane!
Joey: Who's Elaine?

Chandler: You’re right, I have no excuses! I was totally over the line.
Joey: Over the line? You — you’re — you’re so far past the line, that you — you can’t even see the line! The line is a dot to you!

The One with Chandler in a Box [4.08]

Monica: How cute is the on-call doctor?
Rachel: So cute I'm thinking of jabbing this pen in my eye.

Phoebe: Yeah, but, Monica — do you really want to be in a relationship where you can actually use the phrase "That's not how your dad used to do it"?
Monica: [indicating each of the group in succession] Fine! Judge all you want to, but: married a lesbian (at Ross), left a man at the altar (at Rachel), fell in love with a gay ice dancer (at Phoebe), threw a girl’s wooden leg in a fire (at Joey), live in a box (at Chandler)!

The One Where They're Going to Party [4.09]

Ross: Didn't you read Lord of the Rings in high school?
Joey: No, I had sex in high school.

The One with the Girl from Poughkeepsie [4.10]

The One with Phoebe's Uterus [4.11]

Monica: [to Chandler] All right, I'm gonna show you something a lot of guys don't know. Rach, hand me that pad over there, please.[starts to draw]
Chandler: Well, you don't have to draw an actual woma— whoa, she's hot.
Monica: Now everybody knows the basic erogenous zones, you got one, two, three... four... five... six and seven.
Chandler: There are seven?
Rachel: Let me see that. Oh. Yep.
Chandler: [points] That's one?
Monica: Kind of an important one.
Chandler: Oh, you know what? I was looking at it upside down.
Rachel: Well, you know, sometimes that helps. [Chandler gapes.]
Monica: All right. Now most guys will hit one, two, three and then go to seven and set up camp.
Chandler: And that's bad?
Rachel: Well, if you go to Disneyland, you don't spend the whole day on the Matterhorn.
Chandler: Well, you might, if it were anything like seven.
Monica: All right. Uh, the important thing is to take your time. You want to hit them all and you want to mix them up. Keep them on their toes.
Rachel: Oooooo, toes! [Chandler stares.] For some people!
Monica: All right. You could start out with a little one, a two, a one two three, a three, a five, a four, a three two, a two four six, a two four six, four, two, two, four seven, five seven, six seven, [starts shouting] seven. Seven seven SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN [leans back in ecstasy with eyes closed and holds up the number seven]... And there you are.
Rachel: Yeah, that'll work.
[They stand up awkwardly. Rachel and Monica go in their rooms. Chandler goes into the bathroom. They all shut their doors.]

The One with the Embryos [4.12]

[At the doctor's office, Phoebe sits before a Petri dish with her brother and sister-in-law's embryos.]
Phoebe: Hello, teeny embryos. I'm, I'm Phoebe Buffay. Hi! I'm, I'm, I'm hoping to be your uterus for the next nine months. You should know that we're doing this for Frank and Alice — who you know! You've been there! You know, they want you so much, so when you guys get in there, really grab on! Okay? And, and I promise that I'll keep you safe and warm until you're ready to have them take you home. So. Okay. Oh! And, also, um, next time you see me, if I'm screaming, don't worry — that's what's supposed to happen.

[Phoebe is sitting upside down on a chair and playing her guitar.]
Phoebe: [singing] Are you in there, little fetus? In nine months, will you come greet us?... I will buy you some Adidas.

The One with Rachel's Crush [4.13]

Kathy: I'll tell you what, Chandler. Why don't you call me when you grow up!
Chandler: Yeah, well, don't expect that to happen any time soon!

The One with Joey's Dirty Day [4.14]

Phoebe: Oh!
Monica: What?
Phoebe: It kicked! I think the baby kicked!
Monica: Oh, my God!
Phoebe: Oh, no, wait. Oh, no, the elastic on my underwear busted.

Chandler: Where are the guys? I’m ready to get drunk and see some strippers.
Monica: It’s 9:30 in the morning!
Chandler: They got a breakfast buffet.

The One with All the Rugby [4.15]

The One with the Fake Party [4.16]

The One with the Free Porn [4.17]

Ross: If she doesn't call, it is definitely over! No, wait, wait. Unless eventually I call her, you know, just to see what's going on, and she says she'll call me back, but then she doesn't. Then it's over.
Joey: Way to be strong, man!

Chandler: I was just at the bank and there was this really hot teller, and she didn't ask me to go do it with her in the vault!
Joey: Same kind of thing happened to me! Woman pizza-delivery guy comes over, gives me the pizza, takes the money and leaves!
Chandler: What? No "Nice apartment. I bet the bedrooms are huge?"
Joey: No! Nothing!
Chandler: You know what? We have to turn off the porn.

The One with Rachel's New Dress [4.18]

Alice: I wanna name the girl baby Leslie, and Frank wants to name one of the boy babies Frank Junior Jr.
Chandler: Wouldn't that be Frank the Third?
Alice: Don't get me started. Anyway, um, since there are three babies and, um, we both got to put our names in, we would be truly honored if you would name the other boy baby.
Phoebe: Wow! That's so great! Oh! Oh! Cougar!
Alice: You think about it.

Chandler: You're right, it is a ridiculous name!
Joey: It's not that bad.
Chandler: Yes, it is! From now on, I have no first name.
Joey: So you're just "Bing?"
Chandler: I have no name.

The One with All the Haste [4.19]

[Ross is sporting an earring.]
Joey: We don't make enough fun of you already? What? What?
Ross: Oh, yeah. Emily convinced me to do it.
Chandler: You do know that Wham! broke up?

The One with All the Wedding Dresses [4.20]

Chandler: Wah-pah!

The One with the Invitation [4.21]

The One with the Worst Best Man Ever [4.22]

[Chandler is angry that Joey and not himself is going to be Ross's Best Man.]
Chandler: [to everyone in the room] I've decided that my best man is my best friend Gunther!
Gunther: What is my last name?
Chandler: [short pause] Central... Perk?

The One with Ross's Wedding: Part 1 [4.23]

The One with Ross's Wedding: Part 2 [4.24]

[Emily and Ross are reciting their wedding vows.]
Priest: I, Ross...
Ross: I, Ross...
Priest: ... take thee, Emily...
Ross: ... take thee, Rachel...

Season 5

The One After Ross Says Rachel [5.01]

Joey: All right, I'm gonna go say "hi" to the chick and the duck.
Phoebe: Oh, me too!
Joey: Why would you need to say "hi" to them? You've been feeding them for four days!
Phoebe: Oh... right. Maybe I'll just go home.

Rachel: No, you're not an idiot, Ross. You're a guy very much in love.
Ross: Same difference.

The One with All the Kissing [5.02]

Rachel: Phoebe, you were right. I should've never gone to London, and from now on you make all of my decisions for me.
Phoebe: Oh, no. I did that for someone once. I'm not comfortable having that kind of power and control over someone's life.
Monica: I'll do it!

Ross: I'm just going to wander around in the rain.
Rachel: Uhh... it's not raining.
Ross: I can't catch a break!

The One Hundredth [5.03]

Rachel: Monica? You're gonna be very proud of me. I just got us dates with two unbelievably cute nurses.
Joey: Oh, my!
Rachel: They're male nurses.
Joey: Not in my head.

Chandler: So, uh, now that little Chandler turned out to be a girl, what are they gonna name her?
Phoebe: They're gonna call her Chandler.
Chandler: That's kind of a masculine name, don't you think?
Phoebe: Works on you.

The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS [5.04]

Ross: Okay, then. Here we go. Magic 8-Ball, should I never see Rachel again? "Ask again later." Later is not good enough! "Ask again later." What the hell! This is broken! It... it is broken!
Monica: All right, let me see. Will Chandler have sex tonight? "Don't count on it." Seems like it works to me.

Phoebe: I just found a selfless good deed; I went to the park and let a bee sting me.
Joey: How is that a good deed?
Phoebe: Because now the bee gets to look tough in front of his bee friends. The bee is happy and I am not.
Joey: Now you know the bee probably died when he stung you?
Phoebe: Dammit!

The One with the Kips [5.05]

Monica: I'm really getting tired of always sneaking around all the time.
Chandler: Me, too. What if we went away for the weekend? No interruptions and we could be naked the entire time.
Monica All weekend? That's a whole lot naked.
Chandler: I'll say I have a conference and you can have a... uh... chef thing.
Monica: I've always wanted to go to this culinary fair in Jersey!
Chandler: Okay! You know you're not, though.

Joey: That hotel you stayed at called. They said someone left an eyelash curler in your room.
Chandler [nervous]: Yes, that was mine.
Joey: I figured you hooked up with some girl and she left it.
Chandler: That would have made more sense.
Joey: I don't even feel like I know you any more. All right, I'm just going to ask you this one time. Whatever you say, I'll believe you. Were you or were you not on a gay cruise?

The One with the Yeti [5.06]

Monica: We were, we were just in the storage area and we saw this really creepy man!
Rachel: It was, like, this crazy-eyed, hairy beast man! He was like a, like a bigfoot or a yeti or something!
Monica: And he came at us with an axe, so Rachel had to use a bug bomb on him!
Rachel Yeah, I — I — I just pulled the tab and I just fogged his yeti ass!
Joey: Uhh, like, dark hair, bushy beard?
Rachel: Yeah!
Joey: Yeah, you fogged Danny.
Rachel: Please! We did not fog Danny!... Who's Danny?

Monica: So basically, this is a getting-rid-of-everything-Rachel-ever-used sale.
Ross: Touched, used, sat on, slept on.
Gunther: I'll take it all.

The One Where Ross Moves In [5.07]

Rachel: No, I can't get started with all that Ross stuff again. I mean, he's gonna be screwed up for a long time. And besides you know, I don't, I don't go for guys right after they get divorced.
Monica: Right, you only go for them 5 minutes before they get married.

Joey: Come on, Chandler, Ross is our friend, and he needs us right now. So why don't you be a grownup and come watch some TV in the fort?!

The One with All the Thanksgivings [5.08]

Monica: I'm sorry.
Chandler: Well, sorry doesn't bring back the little piggy that cried all the way home.

[The duck walks by.]
Chandler [angrily]: Oh, oh, I'm a duck. I go quack-quack. I'm happy all the time.

The One with Ross's Sandwich [5.09]

[Phoebe is talking about the literature class she's taking.]
Phoebe: Yeah, well, I really liked that Lamaze class I took! You know, I just thought this time I'd go for something, you know, a little more intellectual... with a less painful final exam.

Ross: Someone at work ate my sandwich!
Chandler: Well, what did the police say?

The One with the Inappropriate Sister [5.10]

Monica: Danny, you know Rachel? She’s nice. She’s not bad to look at, right?
Rachel: Thanks, Mon.
Danny: Well, of course.
Monica: Do you want to go out on a date with her?
Rachel: Monica!
Danny: Absolutely! Is Friday okay?
Monica: Friday’s perfect. She can’t wait.
Danny: [to Monica] On the date, I will be able to talk to her directly?

Danny: I had a really nice time tonight.
Rachel: So did I. I'm really glad Monica asked us out.

The One with All the Resolutions [5.11]

Ross: I am going to make myself happy.
Chandler: Do you want us to leave the room?
Ross: I am going to do one thing that I have never done before. That, my friends, is my New Year's resolution.
Phoebe: Ohh... that's a good one. Mine is to pilot a commercial jet.
Chandler: That's a good one too, Pheebs. Now all you have to find is a planeload of people whose New Year's resolution is to plummet to their deaths.

[Phoebe is giving Joey guitar lessons.]
Phoebe: You're questioning my methods.
Joey: I'm not questioning it, Phoebe, I'm saying it's stupid.

The One with Chandler's Work Laugh [5.12]

Joey: Look, it's not that big a deal. So Monica and Chandler are doing it.
Rachel: I cannot believe you would say that!
Joey: Sorry. Monica and Chandler are "making love."

Monica: What's that noise you just made?
Chandler: Oh, that? That's my work laugh.
Monica: Your work laugh?
Chandler: Yeah, and if you want to survive this party, you'll need to come up with one too.

The One with Joey's Bag [5.13]

[Outfitting him for a role, Rachel encourages Joey to carry a unisex leather bag.]
Joey: But it is odd how a woman's purse looks so good on me, a man!
Rachel: Exactly! Unisex!
Joey: Tch! Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple days ago.
Rachel: No, no, Joey! U-N-I-sex.
Joey: Well! Ain't gonna say "no" to that!

Phoebe: Lily's dead!
Frank Sr.: She — what?
Phoebe: She's dead.
Frank Sr.: Are you sure?
Phoebe: Well, if she isn't, cremating her was a big mistake.

The One Where Everybody Finds Out [5.14]

Monica: You are so cute. How did you get to be so cute?
Chandler: Well, my grandfather was Swedish, and my grandmother was actually a tiny little bunny.

Phoebe: I'm going to kiss you now.
Chandler: Not if I kiss you first.

The One with the Girl Who Hits Joey [5.15]

Ross: [after seeing Monica and Chandler through the window] CHANDLER! I SAW WHAT YOU WERE DOING THROUGH THE WINDOW! I SAW WHAT YOU WERE DOING TO MY SISTER. NOW GET OUT HERE!
Chandler: Well, we had a great run. What was it — four, five months? That's more that most people have in a lifetime. So bye, take care, buh-bye then. [kisses Monica and gets ready to jump out the window]

Monica: Do you really think the best reason to get married is because you're sorry?
Chandler: Well, no, the best reason to get married is pregnancy. Sorry's about fourth, behind being ready and actually wanting to get married.

The One with the Cop [5.16]

Rachel: I brought reinforcements.
Ross: You brought Joey?
Rachel: Um... no, but I brought the next best thing.
[Chandler walks in.]
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: Chandler? You brought Chandler? The next best thing would have been Monica!
Chandler: Normally I'd be offended, but she is freakishly strong.

Ross: Look, I drew a sketch about how we're gonna do it. Okay, Rach, that's you. That's the couch.
Rachel: Whoa, what's ... what's that?
Ross: Oh, that's me.
Rachel: Wow! You certainly think a lot of yourself.
Ross: No! That's ... that's my arm.
Chandler: Oh, I see. I thought you just really, really liked your new couch.

The One with Rachel's Inadvertent Kiss [5.17]

Monica: [Trying to seduce Chandler] I've always found the men's bathroom very sexual. Haven't you?
Chandler: No. And if I did, I don't think we'd be going out.

Monica: Gary and Phoebe think they're a hotter couple than we are!
Chandler: Oh. So?
Monica: So we've gotta go upstairs and have a lot of sex and prove them wrong.
Chandler: Honey, you've got to stop this competitive thing. Just to beat some other couple you want me to go upstairs and have sex with you over and over and over and... I'm saying no to this why? Get your coat!

The One Where Rachel Smokes [5.18]

Chandler: Oh, my God. You smoked.
Rachel: I did not.
Chandler: Yes you did. You look happy and sick-- you smoked!
Rachel: All right, fine, but I had to. I had to do it for my career.
Chandler: I wish I had to smoke for my career.

Joey: Hi, Ben. So you want to be an actor, huh? Well, I go to tell you, it's no picnic. There's ton of rejection. No stability. I mean, one day you're Dr. Drake Ramoray. The next day you're eating ketchup right out of the bottle. It's a tough life. I mean, sure, okay you can get up whenever you want, watch T.V. all day, meet tons of women in acting class... Who am I kidding? I can't talk you out of this. It's a great life.

The One Where Ross Can't Flirt [5.19]

Chandler: Rachel, did it bother you when Ross flirted with other women?
Rachel: No, it bothered me when he slept with other women.

Rachel: Ross! We broke up two years ago. You've been married since then. I think it's okay that we see other people.

The One with the Ride-Along [5.20]

Chandler: [sniffs] This sandwich does smell good...
Joey: Did I tell you to smell my sandwich?
Chandler: I can't smell your sandwich?
Joey: No! Half of the taste is in the smell! You're sucking up all the taste units!
Chandler: Okay, I'll give them back [exhales].

Monica: Man, I would be great in a war! I really think I'd make a fantastic military leader. I mean, I know I'd make general before any of you guys.
Chandler: Before or after you were shot by your own troops?

The One with the Ball [5.21]

Joey: So is Staten Island really an island?
Ross: Hence the name: Staten Island.
Joey: Oh, I thought it was like Long Island.
Ross: Also an island!

[Ross and Joey talk during a game of catch.]
Ross: They found a Paleozoic amphibian in the jaws of a Mesozoic mastodon! How did it get there?
Joey: Maybe this should be more of a quiet game.

The One with Joey's Big Break [5.22]

Joey: Who would you rather sleep with: Monica or Rachel?
Ross: Dude, you are sick.
Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing.

Phoebe: [about which route to take to Vegas] Oh, if you take the northern route, there's a man in Illinois with a beard of bees.
Joey: Great! Problem solved!
Phoebe: But on the southern route, there's a chicken that plays tic-tac-toe.
Joey: Well, back to square one.

The One in Vegas, Part 1 [5.23]

Monica: Okay. You cannot tell Chandler. Okay? But I ran into Richard.
Phoebe: Which Richard?
Monica: The Richard.
Phoebe: Richard Simmons? Oh, my God!
Monica: No, my ex-boyfriend Richard. You know: the tall guy, mustache.
Phoebe: Okay, that actually makes more sense. How was it?

Rachel: No! Phoebe, just because I'm alone doesn’t mean I wanna walk around naked. I mean, you live alone, you don't walk around naked.
Phoebe: Uh-huh! Why do you think it takes me so long to answer the door?

The One in Vegas, Part 2 [5.24]

Rachel: [answering the phone] Hello? Vegas? Yes, we would like some more alcohol. And you know, we would like some more beers, too... hello? Oh, wait... I forgot to dial!
[There is a knock at the door.]
Ross: That must be our alcohol and beers!

Joey: [To Rachel] Hey Rach, how you doin'?
Rachel: [grins] I'm doing good, baby. How you doin'?
Joey: Ross, don't let her drink any more!

Season 6

The One After Vegas [6.01]

Ross: Wanna hear something weird?
Phoebe: Always!
Ross: Rachel and me are still married.
Phoebe: What?
Ross: I didn't get the annulment. We're still married. Don't tell Rachel. Okay, see you later...

The One Where Ross Hugs Rachel [6.02]


Ross: I just don't want my tombstone to read, "Ross Geller: Three divorces."
Phoebe: Don't feel worried about that! Your tombstone can say whatever you want it to say! It could say, "Ross Geller: Good at Marriage!" Y'know? Mine's going to say "Phoebe Buffay: Buried Alive."

The One with Ross's Denial [6.03]

Joey: Yeah, why don't you move in with me? It'll be great! We could stay up late, watch movies. And you know about Naked Thursdays, right?
Rachel: Yeah, yeah. I think I'm gonna find my own place.
Chandler: Hey-hey! I thought Naked Thursdays was just our thing, man!

Phoebe: Ninety percent of a woman's pheromones come out the top of her head! That's why women are shorter, so that men will fall in love when they hug them! [Ross is staring at Phoebe] Oh, come on, Ross, you're a scientist.

The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance [6.04]

Phoebe: She didn't tell me I was gonna die until the very end of the session, and I was not going to waste a whole another hour there! I mean, I've only got a week left, you know? I've really got to start living now! [Picks up a car magazine and reads it]

The One with Joey's Porsche [6.05]

Chandler: Ross, just for my own peace of mind — you're not married to any more of us, are you?

Joey: Why isn't that valet back with my Porsche?
Passer-by: Maybe because you've got the keys?

The One on the Last Night [6.06]

Chandler: Here is the phone bill.
Joey: Oh, my God!!
Chandler: That's our phone number.

The One Where Phoebe Runs [6.07]

Ross: I just finished this fascinating book. By the year 2030, there will be computers that can carry out the same amount of functions as an actual human brain. So theoretically, you could download your thoughts and memories into this computer and live forever as a machine!
Chandler: And I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.

Monica: Joey, did you even interview this woman before you asked her to move in?
Joey: Of course I did.
Monica: What exactly did you ask her?
Joey: "When can you move in?"

The One with Ross's Teeth [6.08]

Chandler: [offering Joey a game of Playstation] Hi, my name's Chandler! I just moved in next door, and I was wondering if you'd be interested in battling me in a post-apocalyptic world for control of the galaxy's last remaining energy source?
Joey: Sure.

The One Where Ross Got High [6.09]

Joey: You're gonna cook something?
Rachel: Hey, I cook!
Chandler: Offering people gum is not cooking.

[On tasting Rachel's English trifle/Shepherd's pie]
Ross: It tastes like feet!
Joey: I like it!
Ross: Are ya serious?
Joey: What's not to like? Custard, good. Jam, good. Beef, GOOD!

The One with the Routine [6.10]

Ross: And that's the story of the dreidel. Now, some people trace the Christmas tree back to the Egyptians, who used to bring green palm branches into their huts on the shortest day of the year, symbolizing life's triumph over death. And that was, like, four thousand years ago.
Rachel: So, pretty much around the same time that you started telling this story.

The One with the Apothecary Table [6.11]

Phoebe: [to Ross] You bought your sheets at a flea market? Come on, Ross, you gotta loosen the pursestrings a little!

Monica: [to Janine] You know, you're not so quiet yourself, missy!
Chandler: [to Janine] And I'm blah? Listen, the only thing more boring than watching modern dance is having to listen to you talk about it! [in a bad Australian accent] "Oh, Chandler, I just lost myself in the movement!"

The One with the Joke [6.12]

Phoebe: I didn't know Playboy prints jokes.
Ross: Yeah, they print jokes, interviews, hard-hitting journalism. It's not just about the pictures!
Monica: It didn't work on Mom. It's not going to work on us.
[Joey walks in]
Ross: Hey, Joey, look — Playboy printed my joke!
Joey: [Joey reads it and makes a slight chuckle] Yeah, it's funny... but dude, you do know they have naked chicks in here, right?

The One with Rachel's Sister [6.13]

The One Where Chandler Can't Cry [6.14]

Joey: I can't believe Ross went out with Rachel's sister! When Chandler made out with my sister, I was mad at him for ten years.
Chandler: That was, like, five years ago.
Joey: Yeah, you got five years left!
Chandler: Joey —
Joey: You wanna make it six?

[In reference to Phoebe doing porn.]
Monica: Well, I guess it makes sense, you know, having such a terrible childhood.
Chandler: I had a terrible childhood and I don't do porn.
Monica: Yes, but you're dead inside.

The One That Could Have Been, Part 1 [6.15]

Rachel: Hey, you guys! Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce.

Joey: (looking at Ross) What is the matter with you?!

Phoebe: No, Barry and Mindy.

Joey: Oh, sorry. I hear "divorce," I immediately go to Ross.

Chandler: I always thought having a heart attack was nature's way of telling you to die!
[Phoebe stares at him angrily.]
Chandler: But you're not gonna die... I mean... you — you are going to die, but you're not gonna die today... I wish I was dead.

The One That Could Have Been, Part 2 [6.16]

Chandler [imitating Roger]: "Here's some little-known facts about couscous: they didn't add the second cous until 1979."

Phoebe [singing]: It only takes two heart attacks to finally make you see, one of them won 't do it but the second will set you free. Tell all your hate and anger, It's time to say goodbye. And that is just what I will do, soon as those bastards I worked for die!

The One with Unagi [6.17]

Ross: I studied ka-ra-te for a long time, and there's a concept you should really be familiar with. It's what the Japanese call unagi.
Rachel: Isn't that a kind of sushi?
Ross: No, it's a concep—
Phoebe: Yeah, it is, it is. It's freshwater eel.
Ross: Okay, maybe it means that, too.

Ross: Unagi is a state of total awareness. Only by achieving true unagi can you be prepared for any danger that may befall you.
Phoebe: You mean, in case someone's trying to steal your bamboo sleeping mat or your kettle of fish?

The One Where Ross Dates a Student [6.18]

Chandler: Ah, "Hotties of the Paleontology Department." There's a big-selling calendar, eh?

Joey: Now listen, the last day of auditions is Thursday. Okay? So I gotta get in there by Thursday. Okay? Just remember Thursday. Thursday. Can you remember Thursday?
Chandler: [mockingly] Yeah. So, Tuesday?
Joey: Thursday! Look, if you need help remembering, think of it like this: the third day. All right? Monday, one day. Tuesday, two day. Wednesday, when? Huh? What day? Thursday! The third day! Okay?
Chandler: Thank you.

The One with Joey's Fridge [6.19]

Chandler: You don't look good, Joe.
Joey: The fridge broke, so I had to eat everything. Cold cuts, ice cream, limes. Oh, and what was in that brown jar?
Chandler: That's still in there?
Joey: Not any more. By the way, you owe me $400.
Chandler: Is this a service you're providing me?

The One with Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. [6.20]

The One Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad [6.21]

Ross: All right, a joke — lighten the mood. Two guys walk into a bar, and one of them is Irish.
Paul: I'm Irish.
Ross: ... And the Irish guy wins the joke.

Rachel: It seemed my prom date had stood me up. So, selflessly, Ross offered to take me.
Elizabeth: What a sweet story!
Paul: So, Ross, you were in college, and you jumped at the opportunity to take a young girl to her high school prom?
Rachel: Wow! Did not see that one backfiring.

The One Where Paul's the Man [6.22]

[Elizabeth and Ross are kissing.]
Elizabeth: What's wrong?
Ross: I'm sorry, I was just thinking about your father.
Elizabeth: Okay... well, whatever works for you.

Paul: [to self] Okay, you're doing well. She likes you. And you know why? Because you are a neat guy. You are the man. You are the man! [sings] "I'm just a love machine..."

The One with the Ring [6.23]

Rachel: I wish I could get him to open up a little bit, share some feelings.
Phoebe: That's easy! You just have to think of him as a — as a jar of pickles that won't open.
Rachel: So, what are you saying; I should run him under hot water and bang his head against a table?
Phoebe: No, that's what you do when you want to get the truth out of someone.

Monica: I know of two surefire ways to shut a man up. And one of them is sex.
Rachel: What's the other one?
Monica: I don't know. I've never had to use the other one.

The One with the Proposal, Part 1 [6.24]

Monica: [referring to Ross' relationship with the much younger Elizabeth] Now, all jokes aside. Ross, where is this relationship going?
Chandler: Wait a minute. All jokes aside? I didn't agree to that.

Chandler: I mean, if you're not careful, you may not get married at all this year.

The One with the Proposal, Part 2 [6.25]

Monica: You wanted it to be a surprise.
Chandler: Oh my God.
Monica: Chandler... in all my life I never thought I'd be so lucky as to fall in love with my best — my best — There's a reason why girls don't do this!
Chandler: Okay, okay, I'll do it. I thought: wait, I can do this. I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that is that you — you make me happier then I ever thought I could be. And if you let me, I will spend the rest of my life making sure you feel the same way. Monica, will you marry me?
Monica: Yes! I knew you were likely to take a wife!
Joey: Can we come in yet? We're dying out here!
Monica: Come in! Come in! We're engaged!
Joey: Yeah, you are!

Season 7

The One with Monica's Thunder [7.01]

[Monica opens the door to find Ross and Rachel kissing in the hallway.]
Monica: Oh, I'm sorry, I seem to have opened the door to the past!... I know what you're trying to do! You're trying to steal my thunder!
Rachel: Oh, no honey — we weren't trying to steal your thunder, honest. No one was meant to see!
Monica: Right, now I get it. That's why you two were kissing in the secret hallway where nobody ever goes!

The One with Rachel's Book [7.02]

Judy: We might have some money if your father hadn't thought it was a good idea to sell ice over the Internet.
Jack: It seemed like such a simple idea.
Judy: Stupid, Jack; the word is stupid.

Rachel: What happened at dinner?
Monica: My parents spent the money for our wedding.
Phoebe: My god, what did you order?

The One with Phoebe's Cookies [7.03]

Phoebe: You know, I think my grandmother would be proud that we're trying to figure out her recipe. I'm sure she's looking up at us and smiling.
Ross: Looking up?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah! She was nice to me, but she's in hell for sure.

Joey: Look at this clown. Just 'cause he got a bigger boat, he thinks he can take up the whole river. Get out of the way, jackass! Who names their boat Coast Guard, anyway?
Rachel: That is the Coast Guard.
Joey: What are they doing out here? The coast is way over there.

The One with Rachel's Assistant [7.04]

Monica: You kissed a guy? Oh, my God!
Chandler: In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy.

Monica: Do you think your favorite animal says very much about you?
Phoebe: What? You mean behind my back?

The One with the Engagement Picture [7.05]

Rachel: Hey, look, look. Phoebe's talking to "Cute Coffeehouse Guy."
Ross: You guys call him Cute Coffeehouse Guy? We call him "Hums While He Pees."
Chandler: Yes, and we call Ross "Lingers in the Bathroom."
Phoebe: [walks in] Hey, you guys — "Hums While He Pees" just asked me out!

[Monica and Chandler are looking at photos.]
Monica: Chandler, what is wrong with your face? This picture is supposed to say "Geller and Bing to be married," not "Local woman saves drowning moron." [The photographer laughs.] Hey, don't laugh at him. He's my drowning moron.

The One with the Nap Partners [7.06]

[Ross, Chandler and Joey sit on a couch watching a movie]
Chandler: Die Hard, still great!
Joey: Hey, what do you say if we make a double feature?
Ross: What else did you rent?
Joey: Die Hard 2!
Ross: Joe, it's Die Hard 1 again.
Joey: Yeah?
Ross: And it would be cool to see it again!
Joey and Ross: Die Hard!
Joey [to Chandler]: Dude, you didn't say Die Hard.
Ross: Is everything all right?

The One with Ross's Library Book [7.07]

Ross: People are doing 'it'in front of my book!

The One Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs [7.08]

Joey: The question, Rachel, is this: does he like you? Otherwise, it's just a moo point.
Rachel:Uh, Joe — a moo point?
Joey: You know, like a cow's opinion. It doesn't matter. It's moo.
Rachel: Have I been living with him too long, or did all that just make sense?

The One with All the Candy [7.09]

Joey: [watching a discussion between Monica and a neighbor] Hey Chandler, do we know that lady?
Chandler: Maybe. Isn't she the woman who lives below you and has sex really loud?
Monica: [still talking to the woman] All right, I'll do it just this once! But you can't tell anybody!
Woman: [exasperated] Yes! Yes! Please, just give it to me!
Joey and Chandler: Yeah, that's her.

Monica: Ross! My neighbors ate all my candy!
Ross: Mine stole my newspaper! It's like a crime wave!

The One with the Holiday Armadillo [7.10]

[Chandler dressed as Santa, has just been asked to leave]
Chandler: But I didn't get to shake my belly like a bowl full of jelly.

[Monica and Chandler kiss.]
Monica: Hey, do you think you can keep that suit a little longer?
Chandler: Santa? Really?
Monica: Yeah. That's okay?
Chandler: Did your dad ever dress up as Santa?
Monica: No.
Chandler: Then it's okay!

The One with All the Cheesecakes [7.11]

Monica: Here's Frannie. Huh! Won't she be happy to see me?
Ross: Now wait a minute, you be nice! All right? I didn’t bring you here so you can ambush her.
Monica: Frannie was the one who found your Playboys and showed them to Mom.
Ross: That bitch!

Frannie: Monica? What, what are you...?
Monica: What am I doing here? You invite my brother, you invite my whole family, and not me? Why? Why wouldn't you want me at your wedding? What could I have possibly done? Stuart!
Frannie: I believe you know my husband.
Ross: So it's really a question of who could you have possibly done.

The One Where They're Up All Night [7.12]

Ross: Look at all those stars. Infinite space. Really makes you wonder.
Joey: You know what else makes you wonder? Check out the rack on this chick!

The One Where Rosita Dies [7.13]

Joey: What are you doin'?
Rachel: Moving a chair so I can have a place to sit?
Joey: No, no, Rosita does not move.
Rachel: As in... what?
Joey: As in... Rosita does not move!
Rachel: Why not?
Joey: 'Cause she is in the equal distance from the kitchen to the bathroom, and she is at the perfect angle so that no glare is comin' off Stevie.
Rachel: Stevie, the TV?
Joey: Is there a problem?

The One Where They All Turn Thirty [7.14]

The One with Joey's New Brain [7.15]

Joey: So I just talked to one of the DOOL writers today, and —
Monica: What is DOOL?
Joey: Days Of Our Lives. Anyway, you're not gonna believe it! My character is coming out of his coma!
All: Oh!
Chandler: That's great!
Joey: And — and — and not only that, I'm gettin' a new brain!
Chandler: So great things are happening at work and in your personal life!

Ross: What? A Brain transplant?
Joey: Yes, its a highly controversial procedure.
Ross: It's ridiculous!
Joey: Well, I think it's ridiculous that you haven't sex in three and a half months.
Ross: It’s winter. There are fewer people on the street.

The One with Truth About London [7.16]

[Chandler and Monica start to make out.]
Chandler: How drunk are you?
Monica: Drunk enough that I know I want to do this. Not so drunk enough that you should feel guilty about taking advantage.
Chandler: That's the perfect amount!

[Monica and Chandler jump under the bedcovers. Chandler swiftly doffs his clothes.]
Monica: Wow! You are really fast!
Chandler: It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.

The One with the Cheap Wedding Dresses [7.17]

The One with Joey's Award [7.18]

The One with Ross and Monica's Cousin'' [7.19]

Monica: Chandler and I have this pact not to have sex until the wedding.
Ross: A no-sex pact, huh? I seem to have one of those going with every woman in America.

[Ross and his attractive cousin Cassie are reminiscing.]
Ross: And I'll always remember that summer, because that's when I realized that we are related.
Cassie: It took you that long to figure it out?
Ross: I'm a little slow. [under his breath] Just as our children would be.

The One with Rachel's Big Kiss [7.20]

Chandler: Batman is so much cooler than James Bond.
Monica: What? 007 has all those gadgets.
Chandler: Batman has a utility belt.
Monica: 007 has a fancy car.
Chandler: Batman has the Batmobile.
Monica: 007 gets all the ladies.
Chandler: Batman has Robin.

The One with the Vows [7.21]

Monica: Do you realize that we're getting married in just four weeks? Four weeks, baby, FOUR WEEKS!
Chandler: Do you realize that you get louder every week?

The One with Chandler's Dad [7.22]

Ross: You're fast and irresponsible. That adds up to a bad driver.
Rachel: Well, in high school, that added up to head cheerleader.

The One with Monica and Chandler's Wedding, Part 1 [7.23]

[Chandler's parents meet up at the rehearsal dinner. Chandler's father is now a transvestite.]
Charles Bing: Aren't you a little old to be wearing a dress like that?
Nora Bing: Don't you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that?

The One with Monica and Chandler's Wedding, Part 2 [7.24]

[The future in-laws, including Chandler's cross-dressing father Charles, are chatting.]
Judy Geller: Well, he better not come by here. He can't see the bride in the wedding dress.
Nora Bing: As I recall, when we got married, I saw the groom in the wedding dress.
Charles Bing: But that was after the wedding. It's not bad luck then.
Nora Bing: Honey, it isn't good luck.

[Best man Ross is walking down the aisle with bridesmaids Phoebe and Rachel.]
Ross: This is nice.
Phoebe: What?
Ross: I've never walked down the aisle knowing it can't end in divorce!

Season 8

The One after I Do [8.01]

Ross: Monica's pregnant!
Joey: Oh, my God! Is that why you guys had to get married?
Monica: Guys! I'm not pregnant.
Joey: Ah. [to Chandler] Slow swimmers?

Mona: There are so few genuinely nice guys out there.
Joey: Tell me about it. I feel like I’m holding down the fort all by myself.

The One with the Red Sweater [8.02]

[Rachel and Phoebe are checking out of a hotel.]
Rachel: Listen — y’know what, sir? For the last time, I don’t care what the computer says. We did not take a bag of Mashuga nuts from the mini-bar and we did not watch Dr. Do-Me-A-Little!
Joey: [arriving] Hey!
Phoebe: Oh! Joey, were you in our room last night?
Joey: No. [Phoebe gives the bill to Joey. Joey turns to the concierge.] I was told the name of the movie would not appear on the bill!

Phoebe: I may play the fool at times, but I'm a little more than just a pretty blonde girl with an ass that won't quit.

The One Where Rachel Tells... [8.03]

Phoebe: That is brand new information!!

Ross: Well, yeah, I think we should get married.
Rachel: Why? Because that's your answer to everything?

The One with the Videotape [8.04]

Phoebe: So, how was the honeymoon?
Monica: Oh, so much fun. But the best part is we met this incredible couple on the flight back.
Phoebe: That was the best part? [To Chandler] Good honeymooning, Tiger.

The One with Rachel's Date [8.05]

The One with the Halloween Party [8.06]

Rachel: Monica, we need more candy.
Monica: What? There's only been like 4 kids!
Rachel: Yeah I know, but one of them just said that she loved me so I just gave her everything.
Phoebe: No wonder you're pregnant.

Monica: It was a pink bunny or no bunny at all.
Chandler: No bunny at all! ALWAYS NO BUNNY AT ALL!

The One with the Stain [8.07]

Chandler: Brenda, a bee! Yes! it's flown into your blouse and you'd better undo your buttons lest it sting you!

Phoebe: No, don't tear out your eye!!

The One with the Stripper [8.08]

Rachel: I got TiVo!
Dr. Green: What's TiVo?
Phoebe: It's slang for pregnant.

Phoebe: I'm sorry I won't be able to make it to your imaginary wedding, but I'm really busy that day. I already have a unicorn baptism and a leprechaun Bar Mitzvah. 

The One with the Rumor [8.09]

Monica: Just so you know, I'm not gonna make a turkey this year.
Joey: What?
Monica: Well, Phoebe doesn't eat turkey.
Joey: Phoebe!
Phoebe: Turkeys are beautiful, intelligent animals!
Joey: No, they're not! They're ugly and stupid and delicious! Besides, eating them is a tradition. It goes back to the very first Thanksgiving when the Indians sat down with the cowboys!
Rachel : Oh right, that's when they had that big rodeo at Plymouth Rock!
Monica: It's not just Phoebe. Will's still on a diet, Chandler doesn't eat Thanksgiving food and Rachel's having her aversion to poultry!
Joey: She is?
Rachel: Yeah! Don't you remember? I had to leave the room the other day when you had that roast chicken?
Joey: Yeah, but I thought it was just because I put the whole thing on my hand and made it walk across the table!
Monica: Anyway, it just doesn't seem worth it to make an entire turkey for just three people, okay? It's a lot of work!
Joey: But you gotta have turkey on Thanksgiving! I mean, Thanksgiving with no turkey is like 4th of July with no apple pie! Or Friday with no two pizzas!
Monica: All right, fine, if it means that much to you! But there's gonna be a ton left over!
Joey: No, there won't! I promise, I will finish that turkey!
Monica: Okay, you're telling me that you can eat almost an entire turkey in one sitting?
Joey: That's right! 'Cause I'm a Tribbiani, and this is what we do! I mean, we may be not great thinkers, or world leaders, we don't read a lot, or run very fast... but damn it, we can eat!

[Everyone is watching Joey finish off the turkey.]
Joey: Well, that’s it. I’m done. Whew! [wipes his forehead] There come the meat sweats. [Chandler hands him a towel and he wipes his face.]
Monica: Well, Joey, we’re all... we’re all very proud of you.
Chandler: Yes, I believe we can expect a call from the President any moment now.
Phoebe: Is there anything we can do for you?
Joey: No, just nobody press on my stomach.
Rachel: You can keep those pants, by the way.
[Joey notices that Monica has a pie.]
Joey: Whoa—hey—wh-wh-what do you got there? What is that? Pie?
Monica: Yeah. You want some?
Joey: Ah, just cut me a little sliver.
[Monica prepares to cut a little sliver.]
Joey: A little bigger.
[Monica prepares to cut a bigger piece.]
Joey: Little bigger.
[Monica moves the knife again.]
Joey: What? Are you afraid you’re gonna run out? Cut me a real piece!

The One with Monica's Boots [8.10]

[Ross baby-talks to Rachel's belly.]
Phoebe: How can you let him talk to your crotch like that?
Rachel: He's talking to the baby.
Phoebe: Oh! Okay! Okay, 'cause when — when he said "I can't wait to hear your first words," I thought, "There's a trick!"

Trudie Styler: Look, I've just pressed a button triggering a silent alarm. Any minute now, the police will be here.
Phoebe: The Police, here? A reunion?

The One with Ross's Step Forward [8.11]

Ross: Mona, I love you.
Mona: And me, I love spending time with you.

The One Where Joey Dates Rachel [8.12]

The One Where Chandler Takes a Bath [8.13]

Ross: What about "Ruth"?
Rachel: I'm sorry. Are we having an 89-year-old?

Rachel: How about: for a girl, Rain?
Ross: Rain? "Hi, my name is Rain. I have my own kiln and my dress is made out of wheat."
Phoebe: I know her!

The One with the Secret Closet [8.14]

The One with the Birthing Video [8.15]

The One Where Joey Tells Rachel [8.16]

The One with The Tea Leaves [8.17]

Chandler: I'm not great with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?... Cheese?

Monica: [Browsing through their CD's] Honey, the Miami Vice Soundtrack, really?
Chandler: They were just giving those away at the store... in exchange for money.

The One in Massapequa [8.18]

Parker: To quote Ross, "I better be going!"

The One with Joey's Interview [8.19]

[Joey is reluctant to do another Soap Opera Digest interview because the previous one got him fired.]
Joey: Who knows what I might say this time?
Chandler: If only there was something in your head to control the things you say!
Joey: Fine, all right, I'll do it. But, hey! You guys have to be at the next table so you can stop me if I, you know, start to say something stupid!
Ross: Just then, or — or all the time, 'cause... we have jobs, you know.

Joey: In my spare time, I, uh, read to the blind. And I'm also a mento for kids.
Interviewer: A "mento"?
Joey: You know, a mento. A role model.
Interviewer: A men-to.
Joey: Right.
Interviewer: Like the candy?
Joey: As a matter of fact, I do.

The One with the Baby Shower [8.20]

Phoebe: Ross, why are you all hot and sweaty?
Ross: I just Bamboozled Chandler!
[Monica looks confused.]
Ross: Which isn't a sexual thing.

The One with the Cooking Class [8.21]

The One Where Rachel Is Late [8.22]

The One Where Rachel Has the Baby: Part 1 [8.23]

Rachel: How may centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine?
Dr. Long: Three.
Ross: Just three? I'm dilated three!

The One Where Rachel Has the Baby: Part 2 [8.24]

[Rachel is giving birth.]
Monica: I can't believe this is taking so long. How're you doing?
Rachel: Not bad. You know that feeling where you try to blow a St. Bernard out your ass?
Ross: And soon someone will call her "Mom."

[Cliff's cast is itchy. Phoebe gets a spoon to scratch it.]
Cliff: Wow. I usually get to know a girl before I let them spoon me.
Phoebe: Relax. It's not like we're forking.

Season 9

The One Where No One Proposes [9.01]

Phoebe: You can touch yourself in front of us, but you can't talk to Rachel.
Ross: What? When have I ever touched myself in front of you guys?
Phoebe: Oh, please. Just before when you were asleep in the lounge. That Armenian family was watching you instead of the TV.

The One Where Emma Cries [9.02]

Rachel: Mon, what am I gonna do? It's been hours and it won't stop crying.
Monica: She, Rach. Not it. She.
Rachel: Yeah. I'm not so sure.

The One with the Pediatrician [9.03]

Rachel: I wonder why Ross said that he died?
Monica: Oh, maybe he was getting him confused with his childhood therapist.
Chandler: He saw a therapist?
Monica: He used to have this recurring nightmare. It really freaked him out.
Rachel: Wow, what was it?
Monica: That I was going to eat him.

Pheobe: [Searching her address book for someone to date Joey] Ooh, here's a good one: Sandy Poopach.
Joey: [Stifles a laugh]
Pheobe: I guess that rules out Lana Titweiller.
Joey: [Bursts out laughing] AH-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

The One with the Sharks [9.04]

[Phoebe opens the door]
Phoebe: Oh, it's you.
Ross: With vegetarian corndogs! Come on, I just want to talk to you.
Phoebe: Oh, about what? How few ova I have left?

Ross: And I ended up telling him that...
Phoebe: What?
Ross: You had a six-year-long relationship with a guy named Vikram.
Phoebe: What? Why?
Ross: Well, he seemed to... bum hard when I told him that you'd never been in a serious relationship.
Phoebe: If you hadn't just had a baby with my best friend, I swear to Lucifer, a rabid dog would be feasting on your danglers right now!

The One with Phoebe's Birthday Dinner [9.05]

[Ross and Rachel are locked out of the apartment, with baby Emma inside.]
Rachel: Oh, no! What if she jumps out of the crib!
Ross: Can't hold her own head up... but yeah, jumped.
Rachel: Oh, my God! I left the water running!
Ross: Rachel, relax. You did not leave the faucet running.
Rachel: Did I leave the stove on?
Ross: You haven't cooked since 1996!
Rachel: Is the window open? Because if the window's open, a bird could fly in there and —
Ross: Oh, my God, you know what, I think you're right! I think — you know what? Listen, listen: a pigeon... no, no, wait, an eagle flew in, landed on the stove, and caught fire! The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid! The eagle, however, misconstrues this as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talons! Meanwhile, the faucet fills the apartment with water! Baby and bird, still ablaze, are locked in a death-grip, swirling around the whirlpool that fills the apartment!
Rachel: Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that's true.

The One with the Male Nanny [9.06]

Monica: Really? That scientist guy?
Phoebe: Really? Chandler?

Ross: Yeah, kids say all kinds of crap

The One with Rachel's Other Sister [9.08]

The One with Rachel's Phone Number [9.09]

[Rachel gave Bill her phone number.]
Rachel: Oh, I have to get my number back. Oh, my God, he's gone!
Phoebe: "Oh, I have to get my number back. Oh, my God, he's gone." Dead on.

The One with Christmas in Tulsa [9.10]

The One Where Rachel Goes Back to Work [9.11]

[Chandler is practicing advertising slogans]
Chandler: Phones: bringing you closer to people... who have phones.

Chandler: Cheese: milk you can chew.

The One with Phoebe's Rats [9.12]

The One Where Monica Sings [9.13]

The One with the Blind Dates [9.14]

The One with the Mugging [9.15]

Phoebe: Okay, I wasn't rich like you guys, okay? I didn't eat gold and have a flying pony. I had a hard life! My mother was killed by a drug dealer.
Monica: Your mother killed herself!
Phoebe: She was a drug dealer!

Chandler: Today is the 6th.
Monica: No. [shows Chandler the calender]
Chandler: Yes. It's also 2003.
Monica: That means I may be done ovulating! I may also have served some very questionable meat at the restaurant!

The One with The Boob Job [9.16]

[Rachel tries to install baby-proofing things in the apartment.]
Rachel: Are you saying that women can't do it?
Joey: Women can do it; you can't.
Rachel: Monica, will you please tell Joey that he's a pig?
Monica: [to Joey] You're a pig. [to Rachel] And you can't do this.
Rachel: Well, I found the hardware store by myself!
Joey: The hardware store's just down the street.
Rachel: There's a hardware store down the street?

[Monica and Chandler each borrow money from Joey, forcing him to lie to them both until they find out.]
Rachel: Joey! Why did you tell Chandler that Monica was getting a boob job?
Joey: Because she is!
Monica: Joey, Chandler knows I borrowed the money.
Joey: Mm-hmm! For your boob job!
Monica, Rachel, Chandler: It's over, Joe!
Joey: Okay. So I'm out four thousand dollars and nobody's boobs are getting any bigger?

The One with the Memorial Service [9.17]

The One with the Lottery [9.18]

The One with Rachel's Dream [9.19]

The One with The Soap Opera Party [9.20]

Monica: Rachel, things can get incredibly complicated.
Rachel: All right, all right! You're right, I won't do anything with Joey. I just thought it would be...
[Joey walks in]
Rachel: Okay... so that would be two cups of tarragon, one pound of baking soda and one red onion?
Monica: What the hell are you cooking?

The One with the Fertility Test [9.21]

The One with the Donor [9.22]

The One in Barbados: Part 1 [9.23]

The One in Barbados: Part 2 [9.24]

Season 10

The One After Joey and Rachel Kiss [10.01]

The One Where Ross Is Fine [10.02]

Ross: Fajitas! Be careful, very hot plate, very hot!
Rachel: Ross, you don't even have oven mitts on!
Ross: [laughs] That is gonna hurt tomorrow!

Rachel: Ross, you don't seem okay.
Ross: [starts crying] I'm sorry, it must be the pressure of entertaining! I think everyone would feel better if we had some flan.

The One with Ross' Tan [10.03]

[Joey and Chandler are discussing Joey's impending date with Rachel.]
Chandler: Wow, so tonight might be the night. You nervous?
Joey: Nah. This is the part I'm actually good at.
Chandler: What must it be like not to be crippled by fear and self-loathing?
Joey: It's okay!

Rachel: But do you think that maybe, on some level, you don't want to take off my bra?
Joey: No, I don't have another level.

[Ross comes home with his face entirely tan.]
Ross: I went to those tanning booths your wife sugested.
Chandler: Really, Was that place the sun.

The One with the Cake [10.04]

The One Where Rachel's Sister Babysits [10.05]

Chandler: Well, if I were a guy...
[Everyone stares at him.]
Chandler: Wait. Did I just say "If I were a guy"?

Joey: Finished my recommendation, and I think you'll be very, very happy. It's the longest I've ever spent on a computer without looking at porn.
Chandler: I don't... understand
Joey: Some of the words a little too sophisticated for you?
Monica: It doesn't make any sense.
Joey: Of course it does. It's smart. I used a thesaurus.
Chandler: On every word?
Joey: Yep!
Monica: What was this sentence originally?
Joey: Oh, "They're warm, nice people with big hearts."
Chandler: And that became, "They're humid, prepossessing Homo sapiens with full-sized aortic pumps."
Joey: And hey, I really mean it, dude.
Monica: Uh, Joey, we can't use this.
Joey: Why not?
Monica: Well, because you signed it "Baby Kangaroo" Tribbiani.

The One with Ross' Grant [10.06]

The One With the Home Study [10.07]

[Phoebe and Mike are planning their wedding.]
Ross: There's no way around it, Pheebs. You just got to accept the fact that this is going to cost you a lot of money.
Mike: I heard that weddings are, like, a 40 billion dollar a year industry.
Ross: Yeah, and I'm responsible for just, like, half of that.

The One with the Late Thanksgiving [10.08]

Ross: Brussels sprouts? That's worse than no food!

The One with the Birth Mother [10.09]

The One Where Chandler Gets Caught [10.10]

Monica: So, what'd you think of the house?
Chandler: It's perfect! It's everything we've been looking for!
Monica: Isn't it? And what about the amazing wainscoting and the crown molding and the dormer windows in the attic?
Chandler: And the wigglewoms and the zipzorps? ...What were the things you said?

Ross: We think Chandler might be having an affair.
Monica: What?
Rachel: Phoebe and I saw Chandler with a blonde woman today outside on the street, and then we followed them to a house in Westchester.
Phoebe: They went in together. I'm so sorry.
Monica: Oh, my God... oh, my God, that's awful... What did you think of the house?
Phoebe: What?
Joey: Monica, you understand what we're saying, right?
Monica: Yeah... sure... I'm... devastated, obviously! ...Did you think the neighborhood was homey?!
[Chandler enters]
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: You son of a bitch.
Chandler: Is it me, or have the greetings really gone downhill around here?

The One Where the Stripper Cries [10.11]

[On the game show Pyramid, Joey's partner Gene gets the word "cream."]
Gene: You put this in your coffee.
Joey: A spoon! Your hands! Your face!
Gene: It's white.
Joey: Paper! Snow! A ghost!
Gene: It's heavier than milk.
Joey: A rock! A dog! The earth!
Gene: Pass!

Chandler: Why would I kiss a girl and then put her on your bed?
Ross: Well, then, who was on my bed?
Monica: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Ross: No! No! No!
Monica: Yes!
Ross: You were under the pile of coats?
Monica: I was the pile of coats! You were my midnight mystery kisser?
Ross: You were my first kiss with Rachel?
Monica: You were my first kiss ever?
Chandler: What did I marry into?

The One with Phoebe's Wedding [10.12]

The One Where Joey Speaks French [10.13]

The One with Princess Consuela [10.14]

Phoebe: As of today, my name is Princess Consuela Bananahammock.
Mike: I thought you had to just make your name Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan!
Phoebe: I can change it to anything I want.
Mike: Well, if you can, I can. My name is Crap Bag.

The One Where Estelle Dies [10.15]

The One with Rachel's Going Away Party [10.16]

Ross: I don't get a goodbye?
Rachel: What?
Ross: Everyone gets a goodbye but me? What've I got to do to get a goodbye? Be best friends with you? Go out with you? Have a baby with you? Oh wait a minute, wait a minute, I did all those things!

Rachel:You really think I didn't say goodbye to you because I don't care?
Ross: That's what it seemed like.
Rachel: I cannot believe that after ten years you do not know one thing about me!
Ross: Fine. Then why didn't you say something?
Rachel: Because it is too damn hard, Ross! I can't even begin to explain to you how much I am going to miss you. When I think about not seeing you every day, it makes me not want to go. Okay? So if you think I didn't say goodbye to you because you don't mean as much to me as everybody else, you're wrong. It's because you mean more to me. So there, all right? There's your goodbye.

The Last One: Part 1 [10.17]

Phoebe: Have you ever chased someone to the airport before?
Ross: Not since my cop show got canceled.

Rachel: The chick and the duck? Didn't they di—
Phoebe: —ve, dive. Yeah, they dove. Headfirst into fun on the farm.

The Last One: Part 2 [10.18]

[Last words of the series.]
Rachel: Do you guys have to go to the new house right away, or do you have some time?
Monica: We've got some time.
Rachel: Okay. Should we get some coffee?
Chandler: Sure... Where?

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