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Cheers intro logo.jpg
Cheers title screen
Format Sitcom
Created by James Burrows
Glen Charles
Les Charles
Starring Ted Danson
Shelley Long
(seasons 1-5)
Kirstie Alley
(seasons 6-11)
Nicholas Colasanto
(seasons 1-3)
Rhea Perlman
John Ratzenberger
George Wendt
Woody Harrelson
(seasons 4-11)
Kelsey Grammer
(seasons 3-11)
Bebe Neuwirth
(seasons 4-11)
Theme music composer Gary Portnoy
Judy Hart Angelo
Opening theme "Where Everybody Knows Your Name"
Performed by Gary Portnoy
Country of origin  United States
Language(s) English
No. of seasons 11
No. of episodes 273 (+2 specials)
(List of episodes)
Running time 24 minutes
Production company(s) Charles/Burrows/Charles Productions
In Association With Paramount Network Television
Original channel NBC
Original run September 30, 1982 – May 20, 1993
Followed by Frasier (1993-2004)
Related shows The Tortellis (1987)

Cheers is an American situation comedy television series that ran for eleven seasons from 1982 to 1993. It was produced by Charles/Burrows/Charles Productions in association with Paramount Television for NBC, having been created by the team of James Burrows, Glen Charles, and Les Charles. The show is set in the Cheers bar (named for the toast "Cheers")[citation needed] in Boston, Massachusetts, where a group of locals meet to drink, relax, chat and have fun. The show's theme song was written by Judy Hart Angelo and Gary Portnoy and performed by Portnoy;[1] its famous refrain, "Where Everybody Knows Your Name" also became the show's tagline.

After premiering on September 30, 1982, it was nearly cancelled during its first season when it ranked last in ratings for its premiere (77th out of 77 shows).[2][3] However, Cheers eventually became a highly rated television show in the United States, earning a top-ten rating during eight of its eleven seasons, including one season at #1, and spending the bulk of its run on NBC's "Must See Thursday" lineup. Its widely watched series finale was broadcast on May 20, 1993. The show's 273 episodes have been successfully syndicated worldwide, and have earned 28 Emmy Awards from a then-record 117 nominations. The character Frasier Crane (played by Kelsey Grammer) was featured in his own successful spin-off, Frasier, which included guest appearances by all of the major Cheers characters, except for Kirstie Alley and the deceased Nicholas Colasanto.



Cheers maintained an ensemble cast, keeping roughly the same set of characters for the entire run. Numerous secondary characters and love interests for these characters appeared intermittently to complement storylines that generally revolved around this core group.

The table below summarizes the main cast of Cheers.

Character Actor/Actress Role Other occupation(s) Duration
Sam Malone Ted Danson Bartender/Owner Former relief pitcher for the Boston Red Sox 1982–1993
Diane Chambers Shelley Long Waitress Author; graduate student 1982–1987, 1993
Rebecca Howe Kirstie Alley Manager/Waitress Businesswoman; superintendent 1987–1993
Carla Tortelli Rhea Perlman Waitress Homemaker 1982–1993
"Woody" Boyd Woody Harrelson Assistant Bartender Actor; politician 1985–1993
Norm Peterson George Wendt Customer Accountant; interior decorator; house painter 1982–1993
Cliff Clavin John Ratzenberger Customer Mailman 1982–1993
Frasier Crane Kelsey Grammer Customer Psychiatrist 1984–1993
Ernie "Coach" Pantusso Nicholas Colasanto Assistant Bartender Former baseball player and coach 1982–1985
Lilith Sternin Bebe Neuwirth Customer Psychiatrist 1986–1993
The main cast of Cheers after season 7
(from left to right): (top) John Ratzenberger, Roger Rees, Woody Harrelson (middle) Rhea Perlman, Ted Danson, Kirstie Alley, George Wendt (bottom) Kelsey Grammer, Bebe Neuwirth.

The character of Sam Malone was originally intended to be a retired football player and was originally supposed to be played by Fred Dryer, but after casting Ted Danson it was decided that a former baseball player (Sam "Mayday" Malone) would be more believable, given Danson's slimmer physique.[4] The character of Cliff Clavin was created for John Ratzenberger after he auditioned for the role of Norm Peterson. While chatting with producers afterwards, he asked if they were going to include a "bar know-it-all", the part which he eventually played.[5] The role of Norm went to George Wendt. Kirstie Alley joined the cast when Shelley Long left, and Woody Harrelson joined when Nicholas Colasanto died. Danson, Wendt and Rhea Perlman were the only actors to appear in every episode of the series.[6]

Guest stars

Although Cheers operated largely around that main ensemble cast, guest stars did occasionally supplement them. Notable repeat guests included Jay Thomas as Eddie LeBec, Dan Hedaya as Nick Tortelli, Jean Kasem as Loretta Tortelli, Roger Rees as Robin Colcord, Tom Skerritt as Evan Drake, and Harry Anderson as Harry 'The Hat' Gittes. Other celebrities guest-starred in single episodes as themselves throughout the series. Some sports figures appeared on the show with a connection to Boston or Sam's former team, the Red Sox, such as Luis Tiant, Wade Boggs, and Kevin McHale (star player of the Boston Celtics)[7]. Some television stars also made guest appearances as themselves such as Alex Trebek, Arsenio Hall, Dick Cavett, Robert Urich, and Johnny Carson. Some political figures even made appearances on Cheers such as then-Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Admiral William J. Crowe, former Colorado Senator Gary Hart, then-Speaker of the House Tip O'Neill, Senator John Kerry, then-Governor Michael Dukakis, and then-Mayor of Boston Raymond Flynn (the last four of whom all represented Cheers' home state and city). Musician Harry Connick, Jr. appeared in an episode as Woody's cousin[8] and plays a song from his Grammy winning album We Are in Love (c. 1991). John Cleese won an Emmy for his guest appearance as "Dr. Simon Finch-Royce" in the fifth season episode, "Simon Says".[9] Emma Thompson guest starred as Nanny Gee/Nanette Guzman, a famous singing nanny and Frasier's ex-wife. Christopher Lloyd guest starred as a tortured artist who wanted to paint Diane. John Mahoney once appeared as an inept jingle writer, which included a brief conversation with Frasier Crane, whose father he would later play on the spin-off Frasier. Peri Gilpin who later played Roz Doyle on Frasier also appeared in one episode of Cheers, in its 11th season, as Holly Matheson, a reporter who interviews Woody. The Righteous Brothers, Bobby Hatfield and Bill Medley, also guest starred in different episodes, and Kate Mulgrew in the last 3 episodes of Season 4 Episode Title: Strange Bedfellows (3 Parts). In the final episode of Kirstie Alley's run as Rebecca, she was literally wooed away from Cheers by the guy who came to fix one of the beer keg taps - surprising for a "high-class" lady - but it happened to be Tom Berenger.

Recurring characters

Paul Willson, who played the recurring barfly character of "Paul", made early appearances in the first season as "Glen", was credited as "Gregg", and also appeared in the show as a character named "Tom".[10] Thomas Babson played "Tom", a law student often mocked by "Cliff Clavin", for continually failing to pass the Massachusetts bar exam. "Al", played by Al Rosen, appeared in 38 episodes, and was known for his surly quips. Rhea Perlman's father Philip Perlman played the role of "Phil".


The concept for Cheers was the end result of a long consideration process. The original idea was a group of workers who interacted like a family, hoping to be similar to The Mary Tyler Moore Show. They considered making an American version of the British Fawlty Towers centered around a hotel or an inn. When the creators settled on a bar as their setting the show began to resemble the radio show Duffy's Tavern. They liked the idea of a tavern as it provided a continuous stream of new people arriving, giving them a constant supply of characters.[3]

Picture of Bull & Finch Pub in Boston in 2005. This view is similar to the opening credits of the show.

After choosing a plot, the three had to choose a location. Early discussions centered around Barstow, California, then Kansas City, Missouri. They eventually turned to the East Coast and Boston. The Bull & Finch Pub in Boston that Cheers was styled after was originally chosen from a phone book. When Glen Charles asked the owner to shoot initial exterior and interior shots the owner agreed, charging $1. He has since gone on to make millions, licensing the pub's image and selling a variety of Cheers memorabilia, making the Bull & Finch the 42nd busiest outlet in the American food and beverage industry in 1997. During the casting of Shelley Long (who was in Boston at the time filming A Small Circle of Friends), Long remarked that the bar in the script resembled a bar she had come upon in Boston, which turned out to be the Bull & Finch.[3]

Most Cheers episodes were shot before a live studio audience on Paramount Stage 25, generally on Tuesday nights. Scripts for a new episode were issued the Wednesday before for a read-through, Friday was rehearsal day, and final scripts were issued on Monday. Nearly 100 crewmembers were involved in the shooting of any given episode. Burrows, who directed most episodes, insisted on shooting on film rather than videotape. He was also noted for using motion in his directorial style, trying to always keep characters moving rather than standing still.[3]


The crew of Cheers numbered in the hundreds; as such, this section only provides a brief summary of the many crewmembers for the show. The three creators — James Burrows, Glen Charles, and Les Charles.[11] In fact, the two Charles brothers kept offices on Paramount's lot for the duration of the Cheers run. In the final seasons, however, they handed over much of the show to Burrows. Burrows is regarded as being a factor in the show's longevity, directing 243 of the episodes and supervising the show's production.[3] David Angell was also a part of the crew from the start, writing many Cheers episodes. The show was often noted for its writing,[3][12] which most credit, along with other production factors and the ensemble cast, for the show's success.


Over its eleven-season run, Cheers and its cast and crew earned many awards. Cheers earned a record 111 Emmy Award nominations, with a total of 26 wins.[13] In addition, Cheers has earned 31 Golden Globe nominations, with a total of six wins. All ten of the actors who were regulars on the series received Emmy nominations for their roles. Cheers won the Golden Globe for "Best TV-Series - Comedy/Musical" in 1991 and the Emmy for "Outstanding Comedy Series" in 1983, 1984, 1989 and 1991. Cheers was presented with the "Legend Award" at the 2006 TV Land Awards, with many surviving cast members attending the event.[14]

The following table summarizes awards won by the Cheers cast and crew.[9]

Winner Award
Kirstie Alley Emmy, Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series (1991)
Golden Globe, Best Performance by an Actress in a TV-Series - Comedy/Musical (1991)
Ted Danson Emmy, Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series (1990, 1993)
Golden Globe, Best Performance by an Actor in a TV-Series - Comedy/Musical (1990, 1991)
Woody Harrelson Emmy, Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series (1989)
Shelley Long Emmy, Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series (1983)
Golden Globe, Best Performance by an Actress in a TV-Series - Comedy/Musical (1985)
Golden Globe, Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for TV (1983)
Bebe Neuwirth Emmy, Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series (1990, 1991)
Rhea Perlman Emmy, Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series (1984, 1985, 1986, 1989)
John Cleese Emmy, Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy Series (1987)
Production Awards Emmy, Outstanding Directing in a Comedy Series (1983, 1991)
Emmy, Outstanding Writing in a Comedy Series (1983, 1984)
Emmy, Outstanding Individual Achievement in Graphic Design and Title Sequences (1983)
Emmy, Outstanding Film Editing for a Series (1984)
Emmy, Outstanding Editing for a Series - Multi-Camera Production (1988, 1993)
Emmy, Outstanding Live and Tape Sound Mixing and Sound Effects for a Series (1985)
Emmy, Outstanding Sound Mixing for a Comedy Series or a Special (1986, 1987, 1990)


Nearly all of Cheers took place in the front room of the bar, but they often went into the rear pool room or the bar's office. Cheers didn't show any action outside the bar until the first episode of the second season, which took the action to Diane's apartment. Cheers had some running gags, such as Norm arriving in the bar greeted by a loud "Norm!" Early episodes generally followed Sam's antics with his various women, following a variety of romantic comedy clichés to get out of whatever relationship troubles he was in for each episode. As the show progressed and Sam got into more serious relationships the general tone switched to comedy on Sam settling down into a monogamous lifestyle. Throughout the series, larger story arcs began to develop that spanned multiple episodes or seasons interspersed with smaller themes and one-off episodes.


Sam and Diane kiss

The show's main theme in its early seasons was the romance between the intellectual waitress Diane Chambers and bar owner Sam Malone, a former major league baseball pitcher for the Boston Red Sox and a recovering alcoholic.[15] After Long left the show, the focus shifted to Sam's new relationship with neurotic corporate climber Rebecca. Both relationships featured multi-episode "will they or won't they" sexual tension that drew viewers in.

Social issues

Many Cheers scripts centered around or touched on a variety of social issues, albeit humorously. As Toasting Cheers puts it, "The script was further strengthened by the writers' boldness in successfully tackling controversial issues such as alcoholism, homosexuality, and adultery."[3]

Social class was a subtext of the show. The "upper class"—represented by characters like Diane Chambers, Frasier Crane, Lilith Sternin and (initially) Rebecca Howe—rubbed shoulders with middle and working class characters — Sam Malone, Carla Tortelli, Norm Peterson and Cliff Clavin. An extreme example of this was the relationship between Woody Boyd and millionaire's daughter Kelly Gaines. Many viewers enjoyed Cheers in part because of this focus on character development in addition to plot development.[3][12]

Feminism and the role of women were also recurring themes throughout the show, with some seeing each of the major female characters as a flawed feminist in her own way.[16] Diane was a vocal feminist, but Sam was the epitome of everything she hated: a womanizer and a male chauvinist. Their relationship led Diane to several diatribes on Sam's promiscuity, while Carla merely insulted people.[3] Carla was respected because of her tough attitude, wit, and power, while Diane was often ignored as she commanded little respect in any successful way. Rebecca was a stereotypical ambitious businesswoman and golddigger, seeking relationships with her superiors at the Lillian Corporation, most notably Evan Drake, to gain promotions or raises. However, she encountered a glass ceiling and ended the show by marrying a plumber rather than a rich businessman. It is later revealed on Frasier that her husband would strike it rich and leave her, upon which Rebecca returned to Cheers as a patron. Lilith was a high profile psychatrist with many degrees and awards and commanded respect with her strong and rather stern demeanor. Like Rebecca, she was an executive woman of the 1980s who put much emphasis on her professional life. She often was portrayed to have the upper hand in her and Frasier's relationship, and was portrayed as an ice queen, but proved to have a fiery libido and an emotionally maternal nature.

Homosexuality was dealt with from the very first season, a rare move for American network television in the early 1980s. In the first season episode "The Boys In The Bar" (after the 1970s film The Boys in the Band) a friend and former teammate of Sam's comes out in his autobiography. Some of the male regulars pressure Sam to take action to ensure that Cheers does not become a gay bar. The episode won a GLAAD Media Award,[6] and the script's writers, Ken Levine and David Isaacs, were nominated for an Emmy Award for their writing.[9] Harvey Fierstein would later appear in the 1990s as "Mark Newberger", Rebecca's old high school sweetheart who is gay. Finally, the final episode included a gay man who gets into trouble with his boyfriend (played by Anthony Heald) after agreeing to pose as Diane's husband.

Addiction also plays a role in Cheers, almost exclusively through Sam, although some critics believed the issue was never really developed.[17] Sam was a recovering alcoholic who ended up buying a bar after his baseball career was ruined by his drinking.[18] Frasier also has a notable bout of drinking in the fourth season episode "The Triangle", while Woody develops a gambling problem in the seventh season's "Call Me Irresponsible". Some critics believe Sam was a generally addictive personality who had largely conquered his alcoholism but was still a sexual addict, shown through his womanizing, for which he eventually got help.[19]

Cheers owners

The Cheers sign in 2005.

Cheers obviously had several owners before Sam, as the bar was opened in 1889 (The "Est. 1895" on the bar's sign is a made-up date chosen by Carla for numerological purposes as revealed in the 8th season episode "The Stork Brings a Crane"). In the third episode, "Sam's Women", Norm tells a customer looking for the owner of Cheers that the man he thought was the owner has been replaced, and his replacement was replaced by Sam. Then in a later episode Gus O'Mally, who sold the bar to Sam, comes back from Arizona for one night and helps run the bar.

The biggest storyline surrounding the ownership of Cheers begins in the fifth season finale, "I Do, Adieu", when Sam and Diane part ways, Shelley Long leaves the regular cast, and Sam leaves to attempt circumnavigating the Earth. Before he leaves, Sam sells Cheers to the Lillian Corporation. Sam returns in the sixth season premiere, "Home is the Sailor", having sunk his boat, to find the bar under the new management of Rebecca Howe. He begs for his job back and is hired by Rebecca as a bartender. In the seventh season premiere, "How to Recede in Business", Rebecca is fired and Sam is promoted to manager. Rebecca is allowed to keep a job at Lillian vaguely similar to what she had before, but only after Sam had Rebecca "agree" (in absentia) to a long list of demands that the corporation had for her.

From there Sam would occasionally attempt to buy the bar back with schemes that usually involved wealthy executive Robin Colcord. Cheers did eventually end up back in Sam's hands in the eighth season finale, when it was sold back to him for eighty-five cents by the Lillian Corporation after he alerted the company of Colcord's insider trading. Fired by the corporation over her keeping quiet, Rebecca earns back a hostess/office manager job from Sam.

Other recurring themes

Aside from the storylines that spanned across the series, Cheers had several themes that followed no storylines but that recurred throughout the series. There was a heated rivalry between Cheers and the rival bar, Gary's Olde Towne Tavern since fourth season episode "From Beer to Eternity". Starting with the sixth season one episode of every season depicted some wager between Sam and Gary, which resulted in either a sports competition or a battle of wits that devolved into complex practical jokes. Aside from the very first and very last "Bar Wars" episodes, the Cheers gang almost always lost to Gary's superior ingenuity, though they managed to trick him into missing the annual Bloody Mary contest in one episode. Another episode had Sam collaborating with Gary's to get revenge on his co-workers on a prior practical joke. Sam also had a long-running feud with the management of the upscale restaurant situated directly above the bar, Melville's. The restaurant's management found the bar's clientele decidedly uncouth, while Sam regarded the restaurant as snobbish (despite the fact that customers often drifted between the two businesses via a prominent staircase). This conflict escalated in later seasons, when Melville's came under the ownership of John Allen Hill (Keene Curtis), and it emerged that Sam did not technically own the bar's poolroom and bathrooms. Sam subsequently was forced to pay rent for them and often found himself at the mercy of Hill's tyranny. Rebecca eventually bought the back section from Hill, making her and Sam partners in managing the bar.

Norm Peterson continually searched for gainful employment as an accountant but spent most of the series unemployed, thereby explaining his constant presence in Cheers at the same stool. The face of his wife, Vera, was never fully seen onscreen, despite a few fleeting appearances and a couple of vocal cameos. She first appeared shortly in the fifth season episode "Thanksgiving Orphans" with her whole face being covered in cake. Cliff Clavin seemed unable to shake the constant presence of his mother, Esther Clavin (Frances Sternhagen). Though she did not appear in every episode, he would refer to her quite often, mostly as both an emotional burden and a smothering parent. Her first onscreen appearance was in the fifth season. Carla Tortelli carried a reputation of being both highly fertile and matrimonially inept. The last husband she had on the show, Eddie LeBec, was a washed-up ice hockey goaltender who ended up dying in an ice show accident involving a zamboni. Carla later discovered that Eddie had cheated on her, marrying another woman after impregnating her. Carla's sleazy first husband, Nick Tortelli, also made frequent appearances, mostly to torment Carla with a new custody battle or legal scam that grew out of their divorce. Carla's eight children (four of whom were "born" during the show's run) were also notoriously ill-behaved, save Lud, who was sired by a prominent academician.

Critical reactions

Cheers was critically acclaimed in its first season, though it landed a disappointing 74th out of only 74 shows in that year's ratings.[20] This critical support, coupled with early success at the Emmys and the support of the president of NBC's entertainment division Brandon Tartikoff, is thought to be the main reason for the show's survival and eventual success.[13][21] The cast themselves went across the country on various talk shows to try to further promote the series after its first season. With the growing popularity of Family Ties which ran in the slot ahead of Cheers from January 1984 until Family Ties was moved to Sundays in 1987 and the placement of The Cosby Show in front of both at the start of their third season (1984), the line-up became a runaway ratings success that NBC eventually dubbed "Must See Thursday". The next season, Cheers ratings increased dramatically after Woody Boyd became a regular character as well. By its final season Cheers had a run of eight consecutive seasons in the Top Ten of the Nielsen ratings.[3] Some critics now use Frasier and Cheers as a model of a successful spin-off for a character from an already successful series to compare to modern spin-offs.

Cheers began with a limited five-character ensemble consisting of Ted Danson, Shelley Long, Rhea Perlman, Nicholas Colasanto and George Wendt. By the time season 10 began, Cheers held 8 front characters in its roster. What was notable about Cheers was its ability to gradually phase in characters such as Cliff, Frasier, Lilith, Rebecca, and Woody. During season 1, only one set, the bar, housed all of the episodes. Later seasons would introduce other sets, but the show's ability to center the action in the bar and avoid straying was notable.

NBC dedicated a whole night to the final episode of Cheers. The show began with a "pregame" show hosted by Bob Costas, followed by the final 98-minute episode itself. NBC affiliates then aired tributes to Cheers during their local newscasts, and the night concluded with a special Tonight Show broadcast live from the Bull & Finch Pub. Although the episode fell short of its hyped ratings predictions to become the most-watched television episode, it was the most watched show that year, bringing in 80.4 million viewers[22] (64 percent of all viewers that night), and ranked 11th all time in entertainment programming. The episode originally aired in the usual Cheers spot of Thursday night and was then rebroadcast on Sunday. Some estimate that while the original broadcast did not outperform the M*A*S*H finale, the combined non-repeating audiences for the Thursday and Sunday showings did. Toasting Cheers also notes that television had greatly changed between the M*A*S*H and Cheers finales, leaving Cheers with a broader array of competition for ratings.[3]


Season Ratings Rank Estimated Audience
(in millions)
1982-1983 #71[3] N/A
1983-1984 Not in top 30[23] N/A
1984-1985 #13[3] N/A
1985-1986 #5[3][24] 20.35[24]
1986-1987 #3[3][25] 23.77[25]
1987-1988 #3[26] 23.77[26]
1988-1989 #4[27] 20.15[27]
1989-1990 #3[28] 20.90[28]
1990-1991 #1[3][29] 19.83[29]
1991-1992 #4[3][30] 16.11[30]
1992-1993 #8[3][31] 14.89[31]

Spin-offs, crossovers and cultural references

Some of the actors and actresses from Cheers brought their characters into other television shows, either in a guest appearance or in a new spin-off. The most successful Cheers spin-off was the show Frasier which directly followed Frasier Crane after he moved back to Seattle, Washington (on the other end of Interstate 90) to live with his recently-disabled father and to host a call-in radio show. Frasier was originally supposed to be a small disliked character who only existed to further Diane and Sam's relationship, but Kelsey Grammer's acting turned what were supposed to be unfunny lines into comedy the audience enjoyed.[32] Sam, Diane and Woody all had individual crossover appearances on Frasier where they came to visit Frasier, and his ex-wife Lilith was a constant supporting character throughout Frasier. Cliff, Norm, Carla, and two of Cheers' regular background barflies Paul and Phil, had a crossover together in the Frasier episode "Cheerful Goodbyes". In that episode, Frasier, on a trip to Boston, meets the Cheers gang (though not at Cheers itself) and Cliff thinks Frasier has flown out specifically for his (Cliff's) retirement party, which Frasier ends up attending. Rebecca Howe is the only living Cheers regular to not appear on Frasier, because of Kirstie Alley's belief in Scientology, which rejects psychiatry[citation needed]. Frasier was on the air for as many seasons as Cheers, going off the air in 2004 after an eleven-season run. Although Frasier was the most successful spin-off, The Tortellis was the first series to spin off from Cheers, premiering in 1987. The show featured Carla's ex-husband Nick Tortelli and his wife Loretta, but was canceled after 13 episodes and drew protests for its stereotypical depictions of Italian Americans.

In addition to direct spin-offs, several Cheers characters had guest appearance crossovers with other shows.

Woody, Cliff and Norm on The Simpsons
  • In The Simpsons episode "Fear of Flying", Homer stumbles into a Cheers-like bar after being kicked out of Moe's. Most of the central cast appears in the episode, including Frasier (though ironically, Frasier does not speak, as Grammer already had a recurring role on The Simpsons as Sideshow Bob). The tagline for Moe's Tavern, "Where nobody knows your name", is also a reference to the theme song of Cheers.
  • Characters also had crossovers with Wings—which was created by Cheers producers–writers—and St. Elsewhere in a somewhat rare comedy–drama crossover.[33]
  • Norm once appeared as a background character buying beer at the counter of a convenience store in the Futurama episode The Route of All Evil. His only line is a direct quote from Cheers, when he's asked by the clerk "Would you like anything else, Sir?" and responds "A reason to live. Give me another beer."
  • The Star Trek: Deep Space Nine character Morn, who remained mostly at Quark's Bar, is named (as an anagram) for Norm Peterson.[34]
  • The bar and its patrons were also featured in two Disney specials, a scene in The Wonderful World of Disney TV special Mickey's 60th Birthday, and The Magical World of Disney 's Disneyland 35th Anniversaray Special, in which Woody recounts an adventure his young self had on The Haunted Mansion.
  • The opening sequence and theme song has become iconic of the series, leading to parody such as on The Simpsons' episode "Flaming Moe's". The Simpsons series as also used "Cheers" Opening sequence in the couch gag of the eleventh episode of the twentieth season, along with other famous sitcoms.
  • The Scrubs episode "My Life in Four Cameras" makes numerous jokes about Cheers and multiple-camera setup laugh track sitcoms. Scrubs is notable for using a single-camera setup, having no laugh track, and not being filmed before a live audience. Cheers had all four cameras, a laugh track, and was filmed before a live studio audience, and a dream sequence in "My Life in Four Cameras" was shot with three cameras. In addition, the main patient treated was fictional Cheers writer "Charles James", a mixture of Cheers creators James Burrows, Glen Charles, and Les Charles. The episode makes repeated comments about these "traditional" sitcoms and ends with the opening notes of the Cheers theme playing while J.D. says "Unfortunately, around here things don't always end as neat and tidy as they do in sitcoms."[35]
  • In the Seinfeld episode "The Ticket", Ted Danson's salary per episode of Cheers comes up as a point of debate between Jerry and George. Additionally, George Wendt appears as himself on a talk show in the episode "The Trip." George Costanza gives him advice on how to improve "Cheers" by saying they should change from the bar setting, but George Wendt makes fun of him for it on the air.
  • At the close of the How I Met Your Mother episode "Swarley," all of the customers in the show's bar call out "Swarley," a nickname for Neil Patrick Harris's character Barney Stinson, as he enters. The bartender then plays the Cheers theme song and the credits run in the Cheers typeface and color.
  • In the video game Tony Hawk's Underground 2, when you start the game in Boston, there is bar called "Jeers" and it is modeled after the "Cheers" bar, both inside and out. This is where you must find the special guest in the game, who is Jesse James.
  • In Season 3 Episode 6 of The Office, Diwali, Andy Bernard refers to his relationship with Karen Filipelli as "Roller coastery friendship. Hot, cold, on-again, off-again, sexual tension-filled type of deal. It's very Sam and Diane." to Jim Halpert.
  • In the Magnum, P.I. episode "The Legacy of Garwood Huddle," John Ratzenberger guest stars as a kidnapper. His partner's name is Norm.
  • In the Family Guy episode "Three Kings," Norm Peterson is seen in animated form, voiced by George Wendt.
A full-scale Cheers reproduction was built in Piccadilly Circus in London


Cheers was perhaps the first major TV series outside science fiction or children's television to have an important licensing campaign since I Love Lucy. The show lent itself naturally to the development of "Cheers" bar-related merchandise, culminating in the development of a chain of "Cheers" themed pubs. Paramount's licensing group, led by Tom McGrath, developed the "Cheers" pub concept initially in partnership with Host Marriott which placed "Cheers" themed pubs in 24+ airports around the world. Boston boasts the original Cheers bar, historically known to generations of Boston insiders as the Bull and Finch, as well as a Cheers restaurant in the Faneuil Hall marketplace and Sam's Place, a spin-off sports bar concept also located at Faneuil Hall. The theme song to the show was licensed to a Canadian restaurant, Kelsey's Neighbourhood Bar & Grill.[36]

Syndication and home video

Cheers grew in popularity as it aired on American television and entered into syndication. When the show went off the air in 1993, Cheers was syndicated in 38 countries with 179 American television markets and 83 million viewers.[3] Then, after going off the air,[37] Cheers entered a long, successful, and continuing syndication run[12] on Nick at Nite, then moving to TV Land in 2004. TV Land has since stopped airing reruns. Then, the series began airing on Hallmark Channel in the United States in 2008, and WGN America in 2009, where it continues to air on both channels. While the quality of some earlier footage of Cheers had begun to degrade, it underwent a careful restoration in 2001 due to its continued success.[38] Notably, a Cheers rerun replaced Australia's Naughtiest Home Videos on Australia's Nine Network. The latter was cancelled mid-episode on its only broadcast by Kerry Packer, who pulled the plug after a phone call. Cheers was aired by NCRV in the Netherlands. After the last episode, NCRV simply began re-airing the series, and then again, thus airing the show three times in a row, showing an episode nightly. On July 4, 2009, Nick at Nite announced it will relaunch Cheers in the summer of 2010.

DVD releases

Paramount Home Entertainment and CBS DVD have released all 11 seasons of Cheers on DVD in Region 1 and Region 4.

In Region 2 the first 7 seasons have been released on DVD.

DVD Name Episodes Release dates
Region 1 Region 2* Region 4
The Complete 1st Season 22 May 20, 2003 November 24, 2003 January 15, 2004
The Complete 2nd Season 22 January 6, 2004 June 7, 2004 May 6, 2004
The Complete 3rd Season 25 May 25, 2004 September 6, 2004 September 9, 2004
The Complete 4th Season 26 February 1, 2005 July 18, 2005 July 21, 2005
The Complete 5th Season 26 May 17, 2005 November 27, 2006 January 11, 2007
The Complete 6th Season 25 September 13, 2005 May 14, 2007 May 3, 2007
The Complete 7th Season 22 November 15, 2005 May 18, 2009[39] April 27, 2009
The Complete 8th Season 26 June 13, 2006 N/A April 27, 2009
The 9th Season 26 April 29, 2008 N/A April 27, 2009
The 10th Season 25 September 2, 2008 N/A April 27, 2009
The 11th & Final Season 26 January 27, 2009[40] N/A April 27, 2009
  • Region 2 release dates refer to the United Kingdom market only.
  • Region 4 season 7-11 releases were released exclusive to JB HI-Fi stores.
  • Seasons 9-11 were not released as being titled Complete. Therefore, scenes and music have been altered in these releases.


Kelsey Grammer was arguably the most successful with his spin-off Frasier, which lasted for the same eleven-season run Cheers had, as well as a recurring guest role on The Simpsons as Sideshow Bob. By the final season of Frasier, Grammer had become the highest paid actor on television,[41] earning about $1.6 million an episode.

Woody Harrelson has also had a successful career following Cheers, including appearances in a number of notable films that have established him as a box-office draw, such as White Men Can't Jump, Natural Born Killers, Indecent Proposal, Kingpin and No Country for Old Men. He also earned an Academy Award nomination in 1997 for The People vs. Larry Flynt.

Ted Danson, who had been the highest paid Cheers cast member earning $450,000 an episode in the final season,[42] has starred in the successful sitcom Becker as well as the unsuccessful sitcoms Ink and Help Me Help You and currently appears in the successful drama series Damages. He has starred in a number of movies, including Cousins, Three Men and a Baby and Made in America. Ted and his wife (actress Mary Steenburgen) regularly play themselves on Curb Your Enthusiasm as Larry David's friends. In 2009, Danson co-starred in the HBO series "Bored to Death" as a high power magazine editor and boss of Jonathan Ames.

John Ratzenberger has voice acted in all of Pixar's computer-animated feature films and currently hosts the Travel Channel show Made in America.[43] On Made in America he travels around the U.S. showing the stories of small towns and the goods they produce. Coincidentally, Ted Danson starred in a film also called Made in America. Ratzenberger is heavily involved in a charity known as the Nuts, Bolts and Thingamajigs Foundation,[44] which encourages children to get involved with tinkering and mechanical work, as well as to encourage schools to resurrect Industrial Arts programs. He starred in the indie film The Village Barbershop in 2008 and was also on Dancing with the Stars.

Bebe Neuwirth has gone on to star in numerous Broadway musicals, most notably the mid-90's Chicago revival, earning two Tony Awards for her work, and co-star in numerous successful films. She also did voice work for All Dogs Go to Heaven 2 and All Dogs Go to Heaven: The Series.

Kirstie Alley starred in the TV series Veronica's Closet as well as numerous miniseries and film roles.

Although some believe Shelley Long leaving the show was a bad career move,[45] she has gone on to star in several television and film roles, notably The Brady Bunch Movie and its sequels.

In addition to continuing careers after Cheers, some of the cast members have had personal problems. In 2004, Shelley Long grew depressed after divorcing her husband of 23 years and appears to have attempted suicide by overdosing on drugs.[46][47] Kirstie Alley gained a significant amount of weight after Cheers, which somewhat affected her career. She went on to write and star in a sitcom partly based on her life and weight gain, Fat Actress. She formerly was a spokeswoman for weight loss and nutrition company Jenny Craig.

The Host Marriott Corporation installed 46 bars modeled after Cheers in their hotel and airport lounges.[3] Paramount Pictures licensed the characters and details of the show, allowing the bars to have fake memorabilia such as Sam Malone's supposed jersey while playing for the Red Sox. Among the details Marriott included were two robots, "Bob" and "Hank", one of which was heavy (resembling Norm Peterson), with the other wearing a postal uniform (Cliff Clavin).[48]

Ratzenberger and Wendt filed a groundbreaking lawsuit against Paramount in 1993 (around the time that Viacom purchased Paramount), claiming that the company was illegally licensing and earning off their images without their permission.[49] Ratzenberger and Wendt claimed that Paramount could not earn off their images simply because the robots are dressed like the characters over which Paramount still holds rights. The case was dismissed by a Los Angeles Superior Court judge in 1996,[3] though a federal judge reinstated the case in the Los Angeles court. Paramount tried to bring the case before the Supreme Court of the United States but the court refused to hear the case, instead merely reaffirming the ruling to reinstate the case in the Superior Court.[48] Some believe the case could have had significant implications in Hollywood, as its outcome would have determined whether rights over a character imply rights to reproduce the actor's image with or without his or her permission, so long as the image is of the actor as the character. Rather, Paramount settled with the two before a ruling in the suit was delivered.[50]

Outside the bar

The first year of the show took place entirely within the confines of the bar. (The first location outside the bar ever seen was Diane's apartment.) When the series became a hit, the characters started venturing further afield, first to other sets and eventually to an occasional exterior location. The exterior location shots of the bar were actually of the Bull & Finch Pub, located directly north of the Boston Public Garden, which has become a tourist attraction because of its association with the series and draws in nearly a million visitors annually.[3][37] It has since been renamed Cheers Beacon Hill,[51] though its interior is different from the TV bar. To further capitalize on the show's popularity, another bar, Cheers Faneuil Hall,[52] was built to be a replica of the show's set to provide tourists with a bar whose interior was closer to the one they saw on TV. It is near Faneuil Hall, about a mile from the Bull & Finch Pub. The official Cheers site is In 1997 Europe's first officially licensed Cheers bar opened in London's Regent's Street W1.[53] Like Cheers Faneuil Hall, Cheers London is an exact replica of the set. The gala opening was attended by James Burrows and cast members George Wendt and John Ratzenberger.[54] The actual bar set used to be on display at the Hollywood Entertainment Museum until the museum’s closing in early 2006.[55]


(published date if available) (retrieval date)
Cheers. Created by James Burrows, Glen Charles and Les Charles. 1982–1993. Broadcast and DVD.
  1. ^ Gary Portnoy (2006). Portnoy's personal site
  2. ^ (January 22nd, 2004) (2006). Blog on the History of Cheers
  3. ^ a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v Bjorklund, Dennis A. (1997). Toasting Cheers: An Episode Guide to the 1982–1993 Comedy Series, with cast biographies and character profiles. McFarland & Company, Inc., Jefferson, North Carolina. ISBN 978-0899509624. 
  4. ^ TV1 (2006). TV1 - Cheers
  5. ^ Newport Under the Stars (2005)(2006). John Ratzenberger's Newport Under the Stars
  6. ^ a b IMDb (2006). IMDb Trivia for Cheers
  7. ^ "Kevin McHale Bio". Retrieved 2009-12-20. 
  8. ^ IMDb (2006) (April 10th, 2006). Full Episode Casts
  9. ^ a b c IMDb (2006). Awards for Cheers
  10. ^ IMDb (2006). Trivia for Paul Willson
  11. ^ IMDb (2006). Full Cast and Crew
  12. ^ a b c The Museum of Broadcast Communications (2006).
  13. ^ a b BBC (July 4th, 2003) (2006). Cheers - the TV Series
  14. ^ "TV Land Honors Cheers, Dallas, Good Times, and Batman" for SitcomsOnline on February 22, 2006. Retrieved March 21, 2006.
  15. ^ Television Heaven (2002)(2006). Cheers - A Television Heaven Review
  16. ^ Dr. Caren Deming. "Talk: Gender Discourse in Cheers!" in Television Criticism: Approaches and Applications edited by Leah R. Vande Berg and Lawrence A Wenner. White Plains, NY: Longman, 1991. 47–57. The essay is co-authored by Mercilee M. Jenkins, who teaches at San Francisco State University.
  17. ^ The Bemusement Park (May 7th, 2004) (2006). The Situation of Comedy
  18. ^ IMDb (2006). IMDb Plot Summary of Cheers
  19. ^ The National Association for Christian Recovery (2006). On Addiction from: STEPS Volume 2, Issue 1, Winter 1990.
  20. ^ TVParty (2006). How NBC got its Groove back
  21. ^ Variety (May 20th, 2003) (2006). Review - Cheers
  22. ^ "May Sweeps: Season Finales and TV Specials". Retrieved 2009-12-22. 
  23. ^ "TV Ratings: 1983–1984". Retrieved 2010-01-09. 
  24. ^ a b "TV Ratings: 1985–1986". Retrieved 2010-01-09. 
  25. ^ a b "TV Ratings: 1986–1987". Retrieved 2010-01-09. 
  26. ^ a b "TV Ratings: 1987–1988". Retrieved 2010-01-09. 
  27. ^ a b "TV Ratings: 1988–1989". Retrieved 2010-01-09. 
  28. ^ a b "TV Ratings: 1989–1990". Retrieved 2010-01-09. 
  29. ^ a b "TV Ratings: 1990–1991". Retrieved 2010-01-09. 
  30. ^ a b "TV Ratings: 1991–1992". Retrieved 2010-01-09. 
  31. ^ a b "TV Ratings: 1992–1993". Retrieved 2010-01-09. 
  32. ^ Poobala (2006). Notes on Cheers / Frasier crossovers
  33. ^ Poobala (2006). Notes on Cheers / St. Elsewhere crossover
  34. ^ TV Acres (January 24, ????) (2006). Nor-r-rm!
  35. ^ (March 10, 2005) (2006) Chicago Tribune. Cheers to "Scrubs"
  36. ^ Kelsey's Launches Ad Campaign with Cheers TV Theme Song: Financial News - Yahoo! Finance
  37. ^ a b International Real Estate Digest (August 20th, 2001) (2006). Boston Gets a Hollywood Cheers Pub
  38. ^ "Cheers restored for a new generation of laughs". Retrieved 2006-00-00. 
  39. ^ "Product Information at". 2009-02-21. Retrieved 2009-03-11. 
  40. ^ "Season 11 DVD release announcement". 2007-05-25. Retrieved 2009-03-11. 
  41. ^ Yahoo News (2006). Kelsey Grammer's Yahoo biography
  42. ^ Carter, Bill (9 May 1993), "Why 'Cheers' Proved So Intoxicating", The New York Times,, retrieved 2009-04-04 
  43. ^ Travel Channel (2006). Made in America - Travel Channel
  44. ^ "A Word from John". Nuts, Bolts and Thingamajigs Foundation. Archived from the original on 2008-01-28. Retrieved 2008-01-22. 
  45. ^ McKissic, Rodney (1999-03-05). "At least XU's gaffe didn't blow a career". The Cincinnati Post (E. W. Scripps Company). Archived from the original on 2004-08-21. Retrieved 2006. 
  46. ^ FemaleFirst (November 25th, 2004) (2006). Shelley Long's overdose
  47. ^ Prevent Suicide Now (November 26th, 2004) (2006). Actress Shelley Long Attempts Suicide
  48. ^ a b E News Online (Oct 2nd, 2000) (2006). Wendt/Ratzenberger's case is reinstated by the Supreme Court
  49. ^ E News Online (Sep 25th, 2000) (2006). Wendt and Ratzenberger bring their case to the Supreme Court
  50. ^ (2006). Several Intellectual Property cases, including a section on the Cheers case
  51. ^ Cheers Boston (2006). Cheers Beacon Hill
  52. ^ Cheers Boston (2006). Cheers Faneuil Hall
  53. ^ Cheers London (2003). Cheers London
  54. ^ USA Today (September 23, 1997).
  55. ^ Hollywood Entertainment Museum (2006). Hollywood Entertainment Museum

External links


Up to date as of January 14, 2010
(Redirected to Cheers (TV series) article)

From Wikiquote

Cheers (1982–1993) was a long-running situation comedy produced by Charles-Burrows-Charles Productions in association with Paramount Television for NBC. The show was set in a Boston bar, where a colorful group of locals would come to sit, drink, state daft facts, complain, and play elaborate practical jokes on the devotees and owner of a rival bar in town. The show also spawned the character Frasier Crane, who went on to a TV show of his own, Frasier, after Cheers ended.

Tagline: Where everybody knows your name.


Season 1

Give Me a Ring Sometime [1.1]

Diane: [repeating a message for Sam] "You're a magnificent pagan beast."
Sam: Thanks. What's the message?

Coach: Norm, you're in here every night, doesn't your wife ever wonder where you're at?
Norm: Wonders... doesn't care, but she wonders.

Sam's Women [1.2]

Sam: My life isn't fun anymore. It's because of you.
Diane: Because of me?
Sam: Yeah, you're a snob.
Diane: A snob!
Sam: Yeah, that's right.
Diane: Well, you're a rapidly aging adolescent.
Sam: Well I would rather be that than a snob.
Diane: Well I would rather be a snob.
Sam: Good because you are.

Sam: You know, I've never met an intelligent woman I'd want to date.
Diane: On behalf of the intelligent women around the world, may I just say, 'Whew!'

The Tortelli Tort [1.3]

Diane: Hi doctor.
Dr. Graham: Hi Diane. How are you?
Diane: In what sense?
Dr. Graham: Pardon me?
Diane: Oh you mean how are you, right. Not you know how are you. Well if that's what you meant, I'm fine.

Sam: How did you know that?
Diane: Well I picked it up in pre-law.
Sam: I thought you were an English major.
Diane: Well that was after art and before psychology.
Sam: Is there anything you weren't in college?
Carla: Blonde.
Diane: Check the yearbook, Carla.

Sam at Eleven [1.4]

Diane: I'm sorry I was late, Sam. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?
Sam: Yeah, yeah but you wouldn't.

Coach: How's life treating you Norm?
Norm: Like I ran over its dog.

Coach's Daughter [1.5]

Lisa: Daddy, isn't it obvious to you?
Coach: Nothing is ever obvious to me.

Lisa: Look at me, Dad, I'm not--beautiful.
Coach: You look just like your mother.
Lisa: And Mom was not-- [Pause] comfortable with her beauty.
Coach: Your mother grew more beautiful every day of her life.

Any Friend of Diane's [1.6]

Diane: Rebecca, is there something wrong?
Rebecca Prout: [sobbing] Oh Diane, you could always see beyond my facade of gaiety!

Diane: You're offended because she thought you were a scum bag?
Sam: No. I actually like that.

Friends, Romans, Accountants [1.7]

Sam: Say didn't we used to have a weekly Elizabethan poet night?
Norm: It started getting too rowdy.
Cliff: I remember the night you were charged with practicing iambic pentameter without a license.

Diane: You know, Sam. If I am to serve both as a waitress and the butt of jokes I think I should make more money.
Carla: Yeah, what does a good butt make in this town?
Sam: [to Diane] We all know that you'd starve to death before you made a living with your body.

Truce or Consequences [1.8]

Diane: What could happen?
Sam: Oh nothing, oh nothing. Two women left alone who hate each other in a room filled with glass and alcohol.

Diane: Name calling, the last refuge of the monosyllabic.
Carla: I don't know what that means but I heard slob in there.

Coach Returns to Action [1.9]

Coach: It's the damnedest thing. I've been shivering all the way over here.
Diane: Well, Coach, you don't have a coat on. It's 30 degrees outside.
Coach: Oh, thank god. I thought I had malaria.

Endless Slumper [1.10]

Coach: What's the story, Norm?
Norm: A thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.

Diane: [talking about how Sam was able to make the beer slide around the corner of the bar] Okay, how do you do it?
Sam: Well it's just one of my two hidden talents. The other one is just as impressive.
Diane: But you can hardly charge a buck for it.

One for the Book [1.11]

Norm: [about the player piano] Sammy, why do you keep something around here that doesn't work?
Carla: [about Diane] Because no one else will give her a job.

Buzz: What if I bought this guy a beer?
Norm: Buy me a pitcher and you can kiss me on the lips.

The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One [1.12]

Cliff: [to Eric] We swear not a word you say will ever go beyond this room.
Norm: We never go beyond this room.

Carla: [to Eric] You cannot believe a word that comes out of your mouth. Ya know, if you could fix TVs and crack walnuts on your forehead, you could be my ex-husband.

Now Pitching, Sam Malone [1.13]

Diane: Sam, let's talk.
Sam: There's nothing to talk about.
Diane: It's important. Come back to the office now.
Carla: Uh oh. Sammy's in trouble with Miss Chambers again.
Everyone in the bar: [chanting] Sam's in trouble with Miss Chambers, Sam's in trouble with Miss Chambers....

Sam: Listen before you came to work at this bar I never thought that much about morality and integrity. You made me aware of all that stuff for the first time.
Diane: Thank you, Sam.
Sam: That's why I'm firing you. You can leave your apron right there on the counter.

Let Me Count the Ways [1.14]

Diane: Did you ever have a pet?
Coach: You mean like an animal?

Coach: What's going on, Norm?
Norm: Science is seeking a cure for thirst and I happen to be the guinea pig.

Father Knows Last [1.15]

Cliff: Carla made love to a PhD from MIT.
Coach: Hey look you guys, if you can't say it in front of me don't say it at all.

Norm: Congratulations! Unless you didn't want another kid.
Coach: Of course, she wanted the kid, Norm.
Carla: Sure I do. What penniless unmarried mother of four wouldn't.

The Boys in the Bar [1.16]

Sam: [about some gay customers] What do you think I should say to them?
Diane: Oh well, it's very very simple. Just walk up and say hello we're a group of sniveling bigots and we don't care for your kind.
Cliff: That's good.

Carla: [about gay men] I'm not exactly crazy about them. I mean I get enough competition from women. I'm tell you if guys keep coming out of the closet there isn't going to be anybody left to date and I'm going to have to start going out with girls. [looks at Diane] Ewww.
Diane: Carla, you don't have to worry about me. I like my dates a little more masculine than you. Not much but a little.

Diane's Perfect Date [1.17]

Coach: Beer, Norm?
Norm: That's that sudzy amber stuff, right? Been hearing good things about it.

Sam: Would you just admit that you're hung up on me, dammit?!!
Diane: I am not!
Sam: You are too!
Diane: I am not!
Sam: You are too!
Norm: Please, please, do you think I would behave this way in your home?

No Contest [1.18]

Coach: What can I do for you, Norm?
Norm: I am going to need something to kill time before my second beer. How about a first one?

Diane: I sold out womankind for a trip to Bermuda.
Sam: Come on, don't feel so bad. Most people would have done it for the dry cleaning.

Pick a Con... Any Con [1.19]

Sam: You're in a pretty good mood tonight.
Diane: Why not? Last night I was up till two in the morning finishing off Kierkegaard.
Sam: I hope he thanked you for it.

Coach: Let me give the sign.
Sam: I don't know, isn't it kinda tricky?
George: Well, he is the last person Harry would suspect to be in on anything clever.

Someone Single, Someone Blue [1.20]

Coach: My friends call me 'Coach', but my other nickname is 'Red'.
Helen: Why? Because your hair used to be red?
Coach: No, because I read a book.

Coach: What'll it be Norm?
Norm: Fame, fortune, fast women.
Coach: How about a beer?
Norm: Even better.

Showdown - Part 1 [1.21]

Carla: Hey Sam, you want me to hang around until your date gets here.
Sam: No, you probably want to get on home.
Carla: Are you kiddin'? It's two a.m., my kids might be there.

Sam: Listen I think you and Derek will make a great match.
Diane: Really?
Sam: Yeah, you both think you're perfect and one of you is right.

Showdown - Part 2 [1.22]

Sam: You are the nuttiest, the stupidest, the phoniest fruitcake I ever met!
Diane: You, Sam Malone, are the most arrogant, self-centered son-of-a—
Sam: Shut up! Shut your fat mouth!
Diane: Make me!
Sam: Make you?... My God I'm, I'm gonna... I'm gonna bounce you off every wall in this office!
Diane: Try it and you'll be walking funny tomorrow... or should I say funnier?
Sam: You know... you know I always wanted to pop you one! Maybe this is my lucky day, huh?
Diane: You disgust me! I hate you!
Sam: Are you as turned on as I am?
Diane: More! [They kiss.]

Sam: Do I get to kiss the bride?
Diane: I think you know what you can kiss.

Season 2

Power Play [2.1]

Cliff: The Hindus believe that what you come back as depends upon your behavior in this life. If you led a good life, you come back in an elevated state.
Coach: Like Colorado?
Cliff: No, Coach. Uh, more like a king or a prince. Conversely, if you've not led a good life, you come back in a more lowly condition.
Norm: [chuckling] Last time around, I must have made a real ass out of myself.

Diane: You've been with a lot of women.
Sam: No, I have not. There have not been that many women. I just exaggerated here in the bar. There have not been that many.
Diane: How many have there been?
Sam: Oh, I don't know. Maybe four hun— [Diane gasps] Honeys. Honeys. Four honeys.

Little Sister Don't Cha [2.2]

Cliff: I have impossibly high standards for a woman.
Norm: She has to like you, right?

Cliff: If I wasn't wearing this uniform, I'd ask you to step outside.
Norm: If you weren't wearing that uniform, we'd all step outside.

Personal Business [2.3]

Sam: First of all nobody resigns from a bar and second of all nobody resigns in Latin.
Cliff: It's French, Sammy.

Coach: Would you like a beer, Norm?
Norm: I'd like to see something in a size 54 sudzy.

Homicidal Ham [2.4]

Diane: [about Andy Andy] We, mostly I, can save this man's life.

[Andy is strangling Diane, dressed as characters from "Othello".]
Diane: Help, this psycho is trying to kill me!
Coach: That's the only line from Shakespeare I ever understood!

Sumner's Return [2.5]

Coach:[about War and Peace] Forget it Sam, no one can read four ounces a day.

Diane: You didn't shave.
Sam: Oh no no. I needed a new place to scratch.

Affairs of the Heart [2.6]

Cliff: I'll go with you I know CPR.
Norm: I'll go, I'm a CPA.

Sam: [Calling Carla in a hotel room, worried Hank may die if he's allowed to have sex with her] What should I say?
Norm: Ask her to look next to her and count the dead people.

Old Flames [2.7]

Diane: Sam, if brains were money you'd have to take out a loan for a cup of coffee.

Sam: Coach, I'm having blackouts!
Coach: Kinda nice break in the day, isn't it, Sam?

Manager Coach [2.8]

Coach: What's the point of winning if you can't humiliate the other team?

Diane: Coach has lost his sweet disposition. he's turned into a tyrant.
Sam: Yeah, but he's winning Diane and winning is the most important thing here.
Diane: Well, I don't think winning is the most important thing here.
Sam: Well good then, you won't mind losing this argument.
Diane: Over my dead body.
Sam: Hey, don't bring last night into this.

They Called Me Mayday [2.9]

Sam: Coach, we don't want to be bothered.
Coach: Who does?

Sam: Somebody wants you at another table.
Diane: Who?
Sam: Everybody at this one.

How Do I Love Thee, Let Me Call You Back [2.10]

Cliff: [trying to scratch a bikini off a card] There's something wrong here. I can't get the bikini off my girl.
Norm: Story of your life, big guy.

Diane: [to Sam] When I and everyone else in the world say I love you, we are opening up the very core of our being. When you say it, you're just clearing your throat.

Just Three Friends [2.11]

Sam: I'll tell you something else I haven't had much experience: saying 'No' to women. The closest I've come is 'Not now, we're landing.'

Just Three Friends [2.12]

[Diane enters Cheers with a friend.]
Diane: This is Heather Landon, my oldest friend.
Carla: Meet her this morning?

Sam: I'll tell you something else I haven't had much experience saying no to women. The closest I've come is "Not now, we're landing."

Where There's a Will [2.13]

Sam: This isn't an IOU. It's a bunch of writing I don't understand. That's what this is.
Diane: Is it in a foreign tongue, Sam?
Sam: No, it's English.
Diane: In your case that qualifies.

Guy: You must have a high threshold for pain.
Coach: I don't know the meaning of the word.
Guy: Pretty tough guy there, huh?
Norm: No, no he doesn't know what threshold means.

Battle of the Exes [2.14]

Carla: I know everything about you, Malone.
Sam: Yeah, right.
Carla: Your favorite color is blue. Your favorite hobby is sailing. And your taste in women is not what it used to be.
Sam: Right across the board. You do know me.
Carla: A lot better than you know me.
Sam: Yeah?
Carla: Yeah.
Sam: Your favorite meal is Chicken McNuggets. Your favorite hobby is drawing underarm hair on all the models in Vogue magazine. And your favorite movie is Lady and the Tramp and you always cry when they come to the part about the spaghetti.
Carla: I didn't think anybody knew that.
Sam: I'll tell you something else I know about you that you didn't think I knew.
Carla: What?
Sam: You go to Mass every Sunday.
Carla: Who squealed on me?!

Diane: I thought you were seeing someone.
Carla: His fingerprints grew back. He had to leave the country.

No Help Wanted [2.15]

Diane: You know Cliff, if it's true that a little knowledge is dangerous, you are a walking time bomb.

Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.

And Coachie Makes Three [2.16]

Coach: How about tellers? You take tellers. They never tell you anything. They always ask questions. And interest, there's nothing interesting about it at all. It's boring. Oh and then the trust department, they got all the pens chained down to the tables. What kind of trust is that?

Carla: When I'm in charge of the bar I know what God feels like.
Norm: How's that?
Carla: It's like I'm in complete control of people's destinies. Yeah, I can make their drinks too strong so they get sick. Or I can water them down so they're payin' for nothin'. Or if I don't like their attitude I can spit in it.

Cliff's Rocky Moment [2.17]

Sam: [on the phone] Can you tell me which is the more dominant flower: the Mountain Lilly or the Black-Eyed Susan?

Cliff: It doesn't seem fair, does it Norm?
Norm: What?
Cliff: Well that I should have so much knowledge when there are people in the world that have to go to bed stupid every night.

Fortune and Men's Weight [2.18]

Sam: It's a sad world we live in when Sam Malone becomes the voice of reason.

Coach: What's your most troublesome problem, Norm?
Norm: Well that's tough to say, Coach. Let's see I'm overweight, unemployed, separated, depressed, starting to drink too much. My problem is I've never been happier.

Snow Job [2.19]

Coach: Beer, Normy?
Norm: Coach, I don't know. I'll have one next week... what the heck I'm young.

Coach: What's shaking, Norm?
Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.

Coach Buries a Grudge [2.20]

Diane: Coach, come on. You have to find a way to put this behind you. Angela and T-Bone are both in heaven now.
Norm: Let's hope he's not hitting on her up there.

Carla: I have a way with inanimate objects.
Cliff: Maybe you'd like to take a crack at Norm here.

Norman's Conquest [2.21]

Carla: Just so we can follow the fun, what's this fight about?
Diane: We're not fighting, Carla. We're merely discussing a little difference of opinion. Vodka rocks, two. I think Sam is a heartless mindless slack-jawed cretin and he disagrees.

Cliff: Sometimes I'm ashamed God made me a man.
Carla: I don't think God's doing a whole lot of bragging about it either.

I'll Be Seeing You - Part 1 [2.22]

Phillip: That's the face I've been looking for.
Diane: Sorry, I'm still using it. I could let you visit it on weekends.

Norm: I know what you mean, Sam. Once the trust goes out of a relationship, it's really no fun lying to them anymore.

I'll Be Seeing You - Part 2 [2.23]

Diane: Oh my God Sam, I've made you a babbling idiot.
Sam: Who are you calling a babbling idiot?
Diane: You don't have to get upset. I'm actually criticizing myself.
Sam: You just called me a babbling idiot and you're criticizing yourself? Do me a favor let me criticize me for awhile. You're sickening.

Diane: Do you know the difference between you and a fat braying ass?
Sam: No.
Diane: The fat braying ass would.
Sam: Speaking of fat braying asses, you're about to get dumped on yours!
[Diane slaps Sam, he slaps her back]
Diane: How dare you slap me?
[Diane slaps Sam again, he slaps her back again]
Diane: Don't you ever hit me again!
Sam: Like hell.
[They carry on slapping each other]

Season 3

Rebound - Part 1 [3.1]

Coach: What will it be, Normy?
Norm: A transfusion with a head on it.

Sam: I didn't start drinking when she left, I was celebrating. [to Diane] Celebrating the day I got rid of you. You hear that everybody?
Everyone: Celebrating.
Diane: Well let me tell you something, Sam. I have two birthdays now. One to mark the occasion when my mother bore me and one to commemorate my glorious rebirth when I walked out of here.
Sam: Just one more time: you did not walk out of here. I kicked you out and I would do it again except that no man deserves that much pleasure in one's life.

Rebound - Part 2 [3.2]

Diane: Oh Frasier, I think I'm going to come back to work here.
Frasier: What?! No no no no no no. Listen as Frasier Crane M.D. I don't think that's a good idea for the two of you. And as Frasier Crane Man I don't think it's a good idea for the three of us.

Sam: I could get out of prison after twelve years, serve on an all male ship for another four and be dropped on a desert island for another three eating nothing but raw oysters day after day and if one day Diane walked out of the surf naked, all I'd want from her is the hockey scores.
Diane: And you wouldn't even get that!

I Call Your Name [3.3]

Sam: Is there anything I can do?
Diane: No. This problem is strictly between myself and Frasier Crane. Suffice to say, he insists on making mountains out of molehills.
Carla: He wants you to wear a padded bra?

Carla: [Eddie's] got an extra ticket to the RV show for tonight, Coach. How's that sound?
Coach: Terrific
Carla: Well go ahead. I'll cover for ya.
Coach: Hot Dog!
Carla: Some luck, huh Eddie?
Eddie: Well I guess I'm not going to get a good night kiss.
Carla: You might if you're nice to him.

Fairy Tales Can Come True [3.4]

Diane: I haven't had such a good time since uh....
Sam: That's okay. I know when you stopped having a good time, Diane.
Diane: It goes without saying I would have had a better time if I had gone with Frasier.
Sam: Me too.

Coach: Boy Doc, you tell great stories.
Frasier: That was Poe.
Coach: Don't be modest, it was great.

Sam Turns the Other Cheek [3.5]

Carla: What a night. Two hundred bucks in tips.
Coach: What are you gonna do with all that money, Carla?
Carla: I am going to spend it all on my kids.
Coach: Good girl.
Carla: How many gunny sacks and one way tickets do you think it will buy?

Diane: It's nice to know you draw the line somewhere.
Sam: There are three types of women I don't get involved with: married, underaged and comatose.
Norm: [to Cliff] He's added one.

Coach in Love - Part 1 [3.6]

Carla: You know I don't ask for much in this life; fresh fish, ten cents off on laundry detergent, volcanic boils all over my ex-husband, and the Sox in the Series again before I die.

Sam: Coach, I'm gonna be blunt with you. Her friend's cute and all that, but she doesn't have what I'm lookin' for in a woman.
Diane: What's that? Break-away clothes?

Coach in Love - Part 2 [3.7]

Sam: You heard from Irene?
Coach: Well not for awhile but you're not supposed to see the bride before the ceremony anyway. Are you?
Sam: No, but you're supposed to know whether or not she's in the country at least.

Cliff: [about women] They're only good for one thing.
Carla: And for you, not even that.

Diane Meets Mom [3.8]

Hester Crane: [referring to Diane] I understand you used to date that woman.
Sam: That's right.
Hester: How much would it take to start things up again?
Sam: You don't have enough money.
Hester: How do you know?
Sam: There isn't enough money.

Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normy?
Norm: Going down?

An American Family [3.9]

Carla: Nick, what the hell do you want?
Nick: Hey, is that the kind of hello I deserve?
Carla: No, bend over and I'll give it to you.

Nick: I need a simple favor.
Carla: Unless it's setting your eyebrows on fire, forget it.

Diane's Allergy [3.10]

Sam: I just wonder if this whole so-called allergy thing might not be psychosomatic.
Diane: Sam, I'm very impressed. That's a complex psychological concept coming from a man who who has to write "L" and "R" on the bottom of his shoes.

Sam: Isn't it interesting that I automatically spring to mind?
Diane: No. You automatically spring to mind whenever I hear something stupid.

Peterson Crusoe [3.11]

Norm: Hey, hey, hey... stop laughing at my pal here, huh? This guy had the only dream more ridiculous than mine.
Cliff: Oh, yeah?
Norm: A lot more, I might add.
Cliff: Is that right, Marco Rollo?
Norm: Hey, I've gotta buy a drink for The Great Cliffini.
Cliff: Oh, next round is on me for Ferdinand Ma-jelly-belly!
Norm: Listen to The Flying Rear-end-a!
Cliff: Oh, is that right, Christopher Colum-butt?

Diane: [about Carla] She should be over this by now. It's been weeks. I've robbed her of her zest for life.
Sam: You do have that effect on people.

A Ditch in Time [3.12]

Diane: [about Amanda] Maybe I'm being an alarmist. She wouldn't be out if she still had problems.
Carla: You're out.

Diane: You can't give her some standard pre-arranged speech you have for dumping women.
Sam: I do not have a standard pre-arranged speech for dumping women. Come on, every situation is different. For example now the speech I dumped you with will be totally inappropriate.
Diane: I don't think you dumped me.
Sam: Well you see that was the beauty of it. Come on give me credit will you, for knowing I couldn't possibly have one speech for every situation.
Cliff: Yeah, he's got six.

Whodunit? [3.13]

Diane: Bennett Ludlow is a wonderful catch.
Carla: There's some things he doesn't know about me.
Diane: Well a little mystery is good for a marriage. What haven't you told him?
Carla: Well I haven't been completely honest about my kids.
Diane: What haven't you told him about your kids?
Carla: That they live.

Sam: There are two mysteries going on here. First, Carla's been seeing this very classy guy. Second, your pal has been avoiding you two like the plague. Of course that's the lesser of the two mysteries.
Frasier: Sam, you're talking about one of the most distinguished and accomplished men of letters I know dating a common barmaid.
Sam: You're dating a barmaid.
Frasier: Well she wasn't a barmaid when I met her.
Sam: Oh that's right. She was a lunatic.

The Heart is a Lonely Snipe Hunter [3.14]

Carla: How come you're not going on that fishing trip, Coach?
Coach: I don't like the smell of them.
Carla: Yeah, fish stink.
Coach: No, the guys. Out in that sun all day, stuck in the muck. Who needs it?

[the gang took Frasier on a snipe hunt; he returns and wants them to go out again; Diane takes him into the office]
Diane: There's no such thing as a snipe hunt. They played a childish prank on you.
Frasier: I know that.
Diane: What?
Frasier: Good Lord, Diane. A man does not crouch in the woods for two hours without having a revelation or two.
Diane: So this is part of a plan and I unwittingly helped you.
Frasier: Yes.
Diane: Frasier, how devious. But, why didn't you tell me?
Frasier: Well, I couldn't trust you; you'd have thought it was too cruel.
Diane: Oh, are you kidding? I would've helped. Frasier, this is so unlike you.
Frasier: No, but it's what guys do, darling… we screw each other to the wall. Boy, it's great to be one of the gang, I'll tell you.

King of the Hill [3.15]

Diane: Carla, I don't think you should be engaging in strenuous activity when you're with child.
Carla: If I didn't do things with child, I'd never leave the house. The only thing I ever did without child resulted in one.

[The guys in the bar are ogling the Playboy models]
Diane: Oh, this is disgusting. What kind of culture do I live in where they are the ideal woman?
Coach: Well, gee, Diane. You've gotta admit: they are beautiful.
Diane: Coach, take away all their make-up, all their expensive haircuts and those bodies... and what have you got?
Carla: You.

Teacher's Pet [3.16]

Coach: [about Sam] I never realized what a brain he is. I study all the time — he sleeps in the classroom. He never takes a note and still he gets the great grades. No wonder he's Miss Purdy's favorite.
Diane: Miss Purdy?
Coach: Yeah, our beautiful school-teacher.
Diane: And Sam is her favorite?
Coach: Well, uh, I can't say that; but, uh, Sam's the only one I ever saw her kiss.
Diane: They kiss?
Coach: Yeah. I saw them smoochin' in the parking lot. I was putting up a notice there on the bulletin board.
Diane: With probing tongues?
Coach: No, Diane. With a thumbtack and my thumb.

Diane: Oh, my God. The thing I feared most has happened.
Carla: Your Living Bra died of boredom?

The Mail Goes to Jail [3.17]

Cliff: As long as I'm carrying this bag there's one thing that will never touch these lips.
Carla: You mean there's something that wants to?

[To help a sick Cliff, Norm offers to deliver the rest of the mail on Cliff's route]
Cliff: Ah, Norm, you're not trained. You're not qualified.
Norm: What qualified? You drop ‘em in a slot. A chimp could do it.
Cliff: You're kiddin', no way. They did a study at the University of Michigan – chimps were 32% slower. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, they were better with customer relations and everything...

Bar Bet [3.18]

[A "Jacqueline Bisset" is coming to Boston; Sam needs her to marry him to win the bet]
Sam: I guess I ought to wear something kinda nice – my best outfit. Say, Diane, when you dream about me what am I wearing?
Diane: An anthill.

Carla: Hey, wait. I got an idea.
Diane: You mean you actually conceived something besides a child.
Carla: Whoa... a bitter and unprovoked attack. I like it.

Behind Every Great Man [3.19]

Norm: Yeah, Cliffy had himself the "Ton O' T-Bone". For less than four bucks you get 24 ounces of USDA Choice "bef".
Cliff: Bef? No, you mean beef.
Norm: Beef? Don't be ridiculous, Cliffy. That stuff is "bef". You see it's a Hungry Heifer trademark for a processed, synthetic – what – meat-like substance.
Cliff: Ah, no.
Norm: What do you expect for four bucks? You see me complainin' about the "loobster"?

Diane: Sam is developing an interest in the Impressionists.
Frasier: Hmm.
Diane: Hmm, what?
Frasier: Hmm, this is suspicious. I think it's part of Sam's grand design to win you back.
Diane: Oh, not this again. It's starting to sound like a broken record.
Frasier: Oh, now you're saying that I'm redundant, that I repeat myself, that I say things over and over!

If Ever I Would Leave You [3.20]

Diane: Nick Tortelli, this is someone with whom you have absolutely nothing in common, my paramour Dr. Frasier Crane.
Nick: Doctor of what. Can you get any pills?
Frasier: I'm a psychiatrist. Have we met? You wouldn't, by any chance, be the bogus missing link exhibited at the Amsterdam World's fair?
Nick: No, but you're not the first person to ask me.

Nick: [about Carla being pregnant] Hey you got a guy, Carla?
Carla: No, I swallowed a beach ball. For your information I am not seeing anybody. But the guy who knocked me up and ran this time is ten times classier than you.

The Executive's Executioner [3.21]

Sam: What will you have, Norm?
Norm: Well I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.
Sam: It looks like beer, Norm.
Norm: Call me Mr. Lucky.

Norm: [Commenting on Sam and Diane's former relationship] Hey would you too mind if we move on to something a little more interesting than your star-crossed romance?
Carla: Come on, Norm. What could be more interesting than another gripping episode of "Young and the Chestless"?

Cheerio, Cheers [3.22]

Frasier: Sam, Diane and I are going to Europe.
Sam: Europe? Overseas?
Diane: Well we were going to go to the local one but it's all booked up.

Sam: Listen to me. I'm sincere about this, I like you two and I want to see you both happy.
Diane: Thank you, Sam.
Sam: After all just because the two of us didn't travel well-
Diane: When did we ever travel?
Sam: Are you kidding me? We went through hell together.
Diane: Well it helps that you knew the language.

The Bartender's Tale [3.23]

Sam: Cliff, you look terrible. Was today Sears catalogue day?
Cliff: And that's not all, Spiegel's catalogue came out the same day. Yeah, it's a phenomenon that happens once every 27 years when both marketing strategies are in the same equinox.

Diane: Oh, Frasier, a letter from Cheers. No, wait... it's a Lillian Huxley's resume and a note: "Ha, ha! You're out of here forever!" Always nice to hear from Carla.

The Belles of St. Clete's [3.24]

Cliff: There's a lovely young thing. Perhaps I should just go and make my move.
Carla: Yeah go ahead and faint.

Diane: I'm sorry, Sam. What was I saying?
Sam: You don't know either? We gotta have a rule around here-when you speak at least one of us has gotta be listening.

Rescue Me [3.25]

Cliff: I hate answering machines. I never know what to say to them.
Carla: Gee and you're such a whiz with people.

Sam: Well do you think I should go through with this?
Norm: I think that you and Diane are lovely special people, Sam. Alone. Separately. You know individual. Together frankly, you stink. To the casual observer you're running off to Italy would have to seem stupid beyond reason.
Sam: I'm goin'.
Norm: That's what I'd do.

Season 4

Birth, Death, Love and Rice [4.1]

Sam: Woody, this is Carla Tortelli.
Woody: Hi ma'am.
Carla: Ma'am? What's what supposed to mean?
Woody: I believe it's a term of respect.
Carla: No wonder it sounded so weird.

Sam: What do you say, Norm?
Norm: Any cheap tawdry thing that will get me a beer.

Woody Goes Belly Up [4.2]

Frasier: Sam, I've come to a very important decision. I've just taken stock of myself.
Carla: It's not exactly AT&T, is it?
Frasier: I'm going to pick up the pieces of my shattered life. In order to do that I've got to hit rock bottom first.
Carla: For you, that's three flights up.
Sam: Carla, you want to see if anyone in the back has open wounds to salt.

[Woody is shy when a woman tries to pick him up]
Sam: Maybe she came on too strong. Some guys don't like that.
Cliff: Well, I know how the lad feels. In the, uh, mating ritual I like to be the aggressor. ‘Course, uh, I don't mind the woman giving me a clear signal that I caught her eye.
Carla: You mean like sticking a finger down her throat?

Someday My Prince Will Come [4.3]

Cliff: Well Carla, it is common knowledge I'm scientifically handy. As a matter of fact I spent a good part of my youth in a laboratory.
Carla: And you'd still be there today if the chimpanzee hadn't taught you how to open your cage.

Diane: For the first time in my life I let appearance taint my feelings towards a man.
Sam: Boy, you know what's wrong with you? You just can't be honest with yourself. Looks are all that ever mattered to you.
Diane: What are you talking about? That is utterly inaccurate.
Sam: Oh yeah. You want me to prove it to you?
Diane: Yes.
Sam: Who were you more crazy about that anyone else in your entire life? Not including yourself there. It was me. And there was only one reason you ever went out with me and that was because of my looks.
Diane: Not entirely.
Sam: Yes, entirely. Name one other reason why anyone would go out with me. Come on. Name one. You can't, can you?
Diane: [smiling] No Sam, I can't.

The Groom Wore Clearasil [4.4]

Anthony: Forget him, my father's a bum.
Carla: Hey don't you talk about your father that way.
Anthony: Okay he's a sleazy bum.
Carla: That's better.

Sam: Listen Anthony, I know you like Annie a lot.
Anthony: No, no, I love her.
Sam: Anthony, there's only two times a man uses that word; tennis and when he's already paid for the room, you know what I mean.

Diane's Nightmare [4.5]

Carla: Diane, I heard screams.
Diane: Oh I dreamt I was being murdered.
Carla: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Diane: No.
Carla: Was I helping in any way?

[after Andy leaves the bar, Diane follows Sam into the office]
Diane: Sam, I'm sorry. I feel awful. You were right. Please accept my apology.
Sam: Oh, forget it, Diane. I forgive you. "The quality of mercy is not strained; it droppeth as the gentle rain from Heaven upon the place beneath. It is twice blest: it blesseth him that gives and him that takes."
Diane: Thank you, Sam. What did you say?
Sam: I think you heard me.
Diane: Yes, but YOU said it.
Sam: [puts on his smoking jacket; Diane is astounded] Come on, Diane. You really didn't believe that buffoonish façade that I've been perpetrating for the benefit of my blue-collar clientele did you?

I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday [4.6]

Diane: I would like to see you in your office. I have something I want to give you.
Sam: How about a spanking? I think I deserve it.

Cliff: Come on Diane. She's your ma. She carried you for nine months.
Diane: Eight, I was premature.
Carla: Couldn't wait to get out and start yappin'.

2 Good 2 Be 4 Real [4.7]

Sam: Hey, look at this: a letter for Carla Tortelli.
Carla: What?
Sam: [withholds the letter, teasing her] Hmm, my goodness.
Carla: Let me see. Come on.
Sam: What's the magic word?
Carla: Gelding!
Sam: That's the one. [gives her the letter]

[Carla starts out the door with Vinnie]
Carla: So, um, you like kids, huh?
Vinnie: Like 'em? I love 'em! I got seven of my own.
[Carla shuts the door on Vinnie]
Sam, Diane, others: Carla!
Carla: It's okay, I'm only joking. [she goes out to Vinnie]
Carla: Hey, Vinnie, could you do me a favor? Just for tonight could you pretend that your name is Mitch and that you're an airline pilot?
Vinnie: Well, I guess... if you'll call yourself Raven and pretend you're a Vegas showgirl.
Carla: You're weird... I like that.

Love Thy Neighbor [4.8]

[Carla's cousin, Santo Carbone, the detective has been meeting with Norm and Phyllis]
Santo: Oh, look. You both seem like nice people, huh?. Do yourselves a favor – don't hire me.
Norm: Well, that's an interesting sales pitch you have there, but, uh, we, uh, we're quite serious about this.
Santo: You don't know what you're letting yourselves in for here. A lot of pain, a lot of heartache, a lot of misery.
Carla: And that's just when you see the bill.
Santo: My cousin – she's a pistol.

Phyllis: Oh, Norm. Where did we go wrong?.
Norm: I don't know. I've been racking my brain trying to figure it out. I mean, day after day, night after night, I sit on that stool out there wondering: why did she lose interest in me?

From Beer to Eternity [4.9]

Sam: Bowling?
Carla: I've got this theory, Sam. You see all those other sports require real athletic ability but with bowling we got the makings of a great team.
Sam: Carla...
Carla: Listen. Listen. Any bowling alley what do you see? A bunch of out of shape, big couch potatoes who do nothin' but sit around and swill beer.
Norm: All right. We're number one.

[Cliff is showing off his new sunglasses]
Cliff: Italian imports – sixty-five smackeroonies. That's right, notice the, uh, sleek European styling there, the sturdy reinforced frames and the high tech shatterproof reflective lenses that allow me to scope out the dollies without, uh, drawing attention to myself.
Carla: You could walk up to ‘em naked with your hair on fire and not draw attention to yourself.
Cliff: How would you know? They only work on women.
Carla: They seem to have given you courage.

The Bar Stoolie [4.10]

Sam: Why don't you just admit that you're nuts about me and you can't stand seeing me going out with other women, so you tried to eliminate the competition?
Diane: Sam... your hormones have staged a "coup d'etat" on your brain.
Sam: Ah, no, no. Don't, don't try to distract me with hormone talk.

[Cliff's dad, on the run from the law, leaves secretly]
Norm: What do you supposed happened to him?
Cliff: It's obvious, isn't it? My father didn't trust me so he gave me the slip out of the bathroom window. I guess I'll, uh, just go home. (dejected, he starts to leave)
Carla: But, you're ruling out the other possibility.
Cliff: What other possibility?
Carla: Well, it's a little known fact, but more and more people have been going into men's rooms and vaporizing. I mean just disappearing into thin air. It's an unexplained phenomenon.
Norm: It's kinda like, uh, the Bermuda Triangle.
Carla: That's right.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get serious, will you.
Carla: Have it your way.
Cliff: Well, you know, however, uh, this much is true: you know, uh, it's been recent sightings of, uh, human beings being, uh, shot up into the underbelly of alien spacecraft. You know, and speaking of the Bermuda Triangle... it's not technically a triangle.
Woody: It's not?
Cliff: Heck no! It's a "trapazedarhomboid". Perfect for, uh, attracting Martian spacecraft.

Don Juan Is Hell [4.11]

[Diane has decided to use Sam's sex life as the subject for her psychology paper]
Diane: At what age did you have your first sexual encounter?
Sam: Oh, alright, that's more like it. Okay, uh...[looks at her notes] "Trevor – A Case Study". Who, who's Trevor?
Diane: That's you.
Sam: You're not gonna use my name?
Diane: Of course not.
Sam: So... I do all the work and this "Trevor" guy gets the credit?
Diane: Sam this is not your resumé. In a psychological treatise real names are never used.
Sam: Yeah, but at least I should be able to choose my own name. I mean, how ‘bout "Duke"?
Diane: This is my paper and I like Trevor.
Sam: Alright, alright. Well, where were we? You, uh, wanted to know about my first time, right?
Diane: Yes. How old were you?
Sam: Well, uh, boy, I'm not sure. Uh, I know I couldn't get to her house until the crossing guard showed up. Wow. First time is kind of hard to remember. What about your first time?
Diane: I'm the scientist, Sam. My first time has nothing to do with this. Now, what about your second encounter?
Sam: Well, that would be the crossing guard.

[Diane's class is visiting the bar to meet "Trevor"]
Sam: Let's open up this discussion a little bit. What's your name, son?
Barry: Barry.
Sam: Barry. Alright, Barry, why don't you tell me, uh, what you do when you meet, uh, a girl for the first time.
Barry: Well, I, I talk to her... and I let her know that I respect her as a human being. I ask her out without putting any pressure on her and then I let the relationship grow naturally.
Sam: [laughs] Well, we all have some pretty crazy ideas when we're young. Okay, uh, can anyone tell me where Barry went off the beam?

Fools and Their Money [4.12]

[Sam agrees to place Woody's bet with a bookie; Woody starts to untie his shoe]
Norm: Come on, man. Don't tell me you keep your money in your shoe.
Woody: Boy, you guys really do think I just fell off the turnip truck. [he pulls a white cloth out of his shoe] This is where I keep the map of where the money's buried in my back yard.

[Sam wants to tell Diane that he didn't place Woody's bet]
Sam: I'm in big, big trouble. I did something that, it felt so right – but now it, it turns out to be all wrong.
Diane: What's her name and how many months?

Take My Shirt... Please? [4.13]

[Diane enters]
Diane: Hello, everyone.
[Everyone mumbles halfhearted greetings]
Diane: Oh, come on, what kind of a greeting is that? When Norm comes in you all yell 'Norm!' and make a big fuss over him. Is it asking too much for me to get the same treatment every once in a while?
Sam: She's right. Try it again, sweetheart.
Diane: Yeah. Thanks.
[Diane reenters]
Diane: Hello, everyone.
Everyone: Norm!
Diane: [pauses] That's better.

Carla: [to an upset Diane] What is it this time, bleach bag?
Sam: Carla, I'm the employer here. I can handle this. What is it this time, bleach bag?

Suspicion [4.14]

[Sam comes out of his office; Diane notices a strong smell]
Diane: Good Lord, Sam. Have you been swimming laps in that cologne of yours?
Sam: No. I just dropped the bottle all over the floor in there. Another two dollars and fifty cents down the drain.
Diane: Ah, the big bottle.

[The gang discusses the stranger in the bar]]
Sam: Aw, come on, man. Just 'cause he looks like a spy and acts like a spy doesn't mean he is a spy, does it?
Norm: I think it pretty much does, Sam. You don't suppose this guy is with, like, the CIA or FBI or anything, do you?
Cliff: Ah, could be.
Sam: Alright, let's go over the four things we know about him: He's been here since we opened, he's not drinking, he's not waiting for a table upstairs... Actually, that's only three. Anybody else know anything?
Diane: You're an idiot!
Sam: That would be four, then.

The Triangle [4.15]

Sam: You're the only person I trust to listen to on this one.
Frasier: Okay Sam, I think I have some advice for you.
Sam: Oh good, what?
Frasier: Get yourself a qualified therapist to help you get over your depression and when you do give me his name.

Diane: Do this for me and I'll owe you a big big favor. That doesn't involve sex, sex, or sex.
Sam: How about sex?
Diane: Or sex.

Cliffie's Big Score [4.16]

Carla: [about going to the Postman's Ball with Diane, Cliff, and a blind date] This is going to be a laugh a minute. An evening with the Stick, the Nerd, and Door Number Three.

Diane: Look at all the people who've fallen hopelessly in love with me with only the slightest encouragement. You, Frasier...
Sam: Yourself.

Second Time Around [4.17]

Frasier:Everyone, I'd like you to meet my date, Dr. Lilith Sternin: MD, PhD, EDD, APA.
Woody: Boy, it sure isn't spelled like it sounds.

Candi: What's your name?
Frasier: Oh, uh... Dr. Frasier Crane.
Candi: I'm Candi.
Frasier: Ah, yes, so I see from your necklace. Candi with an "I".
Candi: Well, I used to spell it with a "Y" but nobody ever took me seriously, so then I switched it to an "I". You know, like Gandhi.
Frasier: Yes, yes. I understand that's why he did it.

The Peterson Principle [4.18]

Norm: Mr. Reinhardt. Hi, sir. What a coincidence that you caught me in here. I was just using the washroom.
Mr. Reinhardt: At ease, Peterson. We know you spend a lot of time here. This is where we send your checks.

Norm: It's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.

Dark Imaginings [4.19]

Diane: Does Sam's behavior give you pause? Methinks the man doth protest too much.
Woody: Excuse me, Miss Chambers, but shouldn't it be "I thinks"?
Carla: Not in your case, Woody.

Carla: Sam Malone never ages. It's one of life's great truths. Let me tell you something Sammy, when you're 87 you'll still be a hunk to me. Of course I'll be senile and blind.
Sam: And pregnant.
Carla: Yeah, probably.

Save the Last Dance for Me [4.20]

Nick: Hello sweetcakes. You been thinking about me?
Diane: Only during flea and tick season.
Nick: Well in my neighborhood, that's all year round.
Diane: I'm sure it is.

Carla: [on dancing with Nick] It was a magical moment. You know it was like I was transported back in time. I wasn't a tired old woman with six kids. I was a fresh young teenager with two kids.

Fear Is My Co-Pilot [4.21]

Diane: [about Jack Dalton] There's not much to say. He's a man I dated a bit in Europe.
Woody: Was that before or after you dumped Dr. Crane and sent him into an alcoholic tailspin.
Diane: After.
Frasier: How long after?
Diane: Days.

Woody: Mr. Dalton, you've had so many bizarre and terrifying experiences.
Jack: Some people say I have a death wish. Far from it, I have a life wish.
Cliff: So does Normy.
Norm: What?
Cliff: He wishes he had one.

Diane Chambers Day [4.22]

Diane: Dennis Kaufman is a brilliant puppeteer. He does a wonderful Punch & Judy.
Carla: He better have a wonderful punch, if he's going to dress like Judy.

Relief Bartender [4.23]

[Business isn't doing well at Cheers now that Sam is the host]
Sam: I'll think of something.
Cliff: Skimpy outfits on the waitresses, Sammy.
Sam: That's not bad.
Carla: Wait a minute. I don't want people having a look at something I'm ashamed of.
Sam: You've got a lovely body.
Carla: [pointing at Diane] I was talking about hers.
Sam: I'll think of something.
Diane: Well I don't know what.
Sam: You don't have my brain.
Diane: Whoever has it should return it. You need it right now.

Sam: The Fraternal Order of the Caribou are sending a group over.
Diane: Great. Loud-mouthed, rowdy conventioneers. drinking like fish, swearing like sailors and putting their paws all over us.
Carla: Yeah, happy birthday to me.

Strange Bedfellows: Part 1 [4.24]

Cliff: [to Janet Eldridge] I will deliver you the postal vote.
Carla: Yeah, too bad it will be to the wrong address.

Diane: [about Sam] I think he might be hurt by this liaison with Janet Eldridge.
Carla: Yeah you're right. He's havin' a lot of laughs and a hot time with a beautiful woman. The man is a glutton for punishment.

Strange Bedfellows: Part 2 [4.25]

Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
Norm: Okay Woody but be sure to stop me at 1. Ah, make that 1:30.

Janet: Since things are over between you and Diane, I wonder why she still continues to work here.
Sam: She's gotta work someplace.
Janet: She owe you money that's she trying to work off?
Sam: No.
Janet: Would you lose customers if she leave?
Sam: No. As a matter of fact, I'd probably get a few back if I did let her go.

Strange Bedfellows: Part 3 [4.26]

Woody: Looks like Sammy got his walking papers. I know how he feels.
Norm: Yeah I think we've all been there before, Woody.
Cliff: Well it's never happened to me, so I guess I'll just have to imagine it.
Norm: Cliffie, you actually have to go with someone before you can get dumped.

Woody: How you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Pour.
Woody: I'm so sorry to hear that.
Norm: [pointing to the beer tap] No, I meant pour.

Season 5

The Proposal [5.1]

Diane: Sam?
Sam: Did you notice that?
Diane: Notice what?
Sam: Everything just got calm.
Diane: I don't notice any difference.
Sam: Oh, yes yes. There's a difference in everything. The whole world just changed for me. [pause, looking up] Ohh, look. The stars are new. The moon is new. Sam Malone is new, and I like him. [pointing to the stars] And I like them. And they like me. And none of us like you.

[on small fishing boat]
Diane: Am I going overboard again?
Sam: No, no no. Don't be silly. That would mean I care, and I don't. Bye bye Diane.
Diane: Where are you going?
Sam: I'm going to swim ashore.
Diane: You can't do that.
Sam: Very well, I’ll take the dingey. See how quickly the new Sam adjusts.
Diane: You're going to just leave me out here all alone?
Sam: Yes I am.

The Cape Cad [5.2]

Sam: The one thing I really hate is to eat alone. I always feel like someone's looking at me.
Diane: I'm the only one here.
Sam: Well you're looking at me.
Diane: You can either join me or I can eat with my eyes closed.

Sam: I see what you're doing here. You're trying to plant a seed in my brain.
Diane: Oh don't be silly. I know of nothing that grows in solid rock.

Money Dearest [5.3]

Woody: My first bachelor party. No dates, right?

Carla: Hey, Fitzie, thanks for that $20 tip last night. I don't want you getting the wrong idea about me.
Mr. Fitzgerald: Carla, I know that your favors are not for sale.
Carla: See, that's what I mean about the wrong idea.

Abnormal Psychology [5.4]

Lilith: I suggest that your behavior indicates an unacceptable level of sexual frustration. You strike me as a man who needs professional help. Or a girlfriend.
Frasier: And you strike me as a woman who could use a good cuffing.

Frasier: Believe it or not, Sam. It's actually possible to have hostile feelings towards someone without being in love with them.
Sam: You mean I can actually hate Diane without having it mean anything more than I hate her.
Frasier: Feel free.

House of Horrors with Formal Training and Used Brick [5.5]

Carla: Boy, I'll tell you it's hopeless. I have looked everywhere in the Boston area and I just cannot find a house in my price range.
Sam: What's the big rush? Your apartment's fine.
Carla: No, it's not. My kids get bigger, my apartment gets smaller. I don't know what it's like to be alone in the bathroom anymore. What's it like, Sam? Is it everything people say it is?
Sam: More. Much much more.
Carla: I knew it.

Norm: Have you checked out the rest of the place yet?
Carla: No, I thought it might be a good idea to have a beer first.
Norm: Yeah, I find that pretty much applies to everything.

Tan 'N' Wash [5.6]

Sam: You wore your socks in the tanning booth?
Cliff: Well I've got to be careful, Sammy. The Clavin men have feet like a baby's bottom.
Carla: With faces to match.

Diane: Sam, may I have your ear for a moment?
Sam: Yeah, just don't leave any bite marks.

Young Dr. Weinstein [5.7]

Frasier: You didn't want to eat there anyway, Sam. The waiters pride themselves on rudeness. The portions are too small and it's exorbitantly overpriced.
Sam: You couldn't get in either?
Frasier: Not till April.

Cliff: Today marks the beginning of my seventh year as a United States postal carrier.
Norm: Woody, I think that calls for a little drink on the house. What do you think?
Woody: I think you're right, Mr. Peterson.
Norm: What the hell, give Cliffie one too.

Knights of the Scimitar [5.8]

Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Zsa Zsa marries a millionaire. Peterson drinks a beer. Film at 11.

Sam: Diane, change.
Diane: Not for you or any man.
Sam: No, no Diane. Change: nickels, dimes, quarters.

Thanksgiving Orphans [5.9]

Sam: Christmas comes earlier every year, doesn't it?
Woody: I think if you check Sam, it always comes on the 25th of December.

Diane: What could be more enjoyable than opening your heart with holiday cheer?
Carla: Opening yours with a can opener.

Everyone Imitates Art [5.10]

Woody: You know I was thinking about this the other day and I think in my next life I'd like to come back as the President of France.
Norm: Why is that, Wood?
Woody: Well I think it would attract a lot of business to the bar.

Carla: I've been plannin' my Elvis pilgrimage to Memphis for weeks and now Nick is backing out of takin' care of the kids. He says his appendix burst.
Sam: That seems serious to me.
Carla: His appendix bursts every time I need a favor.
Woody: If he was smart, he would have that removed.

The Book of Samuel [5.11]

Dance, Diane, Dance [5.12]

Diane: [watching her video] All my life I wanted to dance so badly!
Norm: Looks like you got your wish.

Chambers vs. Malone [5.13]

Sam: [to Diane] They can stop me from killing you, but they can't stop me from marrying you.

Sam: Father, do you believe in the afterlife?
Priest: Yes my son I do.
Sam: Good then I can find her there and get her again.

Diamond Sam [5.14]

Frasier: Sam, this has gone too far. I think it's time you told her the truth.
Sam: The truth? And you call yourself a psychiatrist.

Frasier: Something tells me Diane's not the type of woman who'd want a ring from a jeweler who starts every business transaction with "Pssst, buddy."

Spellbound [5.15]

Carla: [about Nick] He knows women like a jeweler knows jewels; like a meat-cutter knows meat.
Loretta: Like a marine biologist knows Marines.

Never Love a Goalie: Part 1 [5.16]

Carla: No way some guy like that ends up with me.
Sam: Will you stop cutting yourself short. You offer a lot of things to a guy.
Carla: Oh yeah, sure. Six kids, mortgage up to my ears, stack of bills, dead end job, and fallen arches.
Sam: You know, if I wasn't already engaged...

Sam: What about Frasier? Frasier you look like you could use a pick me up.
Frasier: A hockey game? No, thank you. I've been to a bullfights in Spain and I've been to the altar with Diane. I think that's enough carnage for one life.

Never Love a Goalie: Part 2 [5.17]

Norm: We were thinking maybe somebody's got to tell Carla that she's jinxing Eddie.
Sam: And what suicidal idiot did you have in mind to do that?
Norm: Well your name kept coming up.

Diane: How can a man tell a woman he loves her and yet try to kill her?
Sam: I can see it.

One Last Fling [5.18]

Dog Bites Cliff [5.19]

Madeline: I'd like to help with the doctor bills.
[Cliff looks at Sam.]
Sam: That's good.
Cliff: [to Madeline] That's good.
Madeline: Anything to help ease the burden on you and your family.
[Cliff looks at Sam again.]
Sam: You're not married.
Cliff: [to Madeline] You're not married. [Sam taps Cliff on the shoulder.] I mean I'm not married. But I could be if I wanted to. Right, Sam?
Sam: Sure.

Dinner at Eight-ish [5.20]

Frasier: [to Lillith] Darling? Don't make yourself too beautiful I can hardly stand to look at you now.

[Diane and Lilith are in the bathroom arguing]
Frasier: I should have done this earlier.
Sam: What are you doing? [Frasier locks the bathroom from the outside]
Lilith: What was that? [Tries door] Frasier what are you doing. Frasier the door seems to be jammed. Frasier?
Diane: Sam, open the door.
[Fraiser offers Sam a cigar]
Frasier: Macanudo?
Sam: Don't mind if I do, thank you.
Frasier: You know I can't stand all this caterwauling let's go upstairs. I've got all 13 episodes of I Claudius on tape.
Sam: Great, I love gladiator flicks.

Simon Says [5.21]

[Simon enters the bar and spots Frasier]
Simon: [sings] Three Little Maids from School are we.
Frasier: [sings] Pert as a Schoolgirl well may be.
Both: [sing] Filled to the brim with girlish glee, Three Little Maids from School.
Woody: Sam should I call the police?
Frasier: No need for alarm Woody, we were in the spring musical at Oxford together. It was The Mikado. Simon was Pitti-Sing and I was Yum-Yum.
Simon: And a handsomer Yum-Yum I've never seen.

[Sam & Diane visit Dr Finch-Royce for the umpteenth time]
Diane: Doctor, there's still one thing you haven't considered...
Simon: [flustered] OK. Sam, Diane, you two are perfect together. I'm sorry I made a mistake before but you are the most perfectly matched couple ever. But, why am I telling this to you? Let's share it with the rest of the world. [shouts out the window] Hear this, world! The rest of you can stop getting married! It's been done to perfection! [gesturing to the furniture] Envy them, sofa, envy them, chair, for you shall never be as cozy as they for their union shall be an epoch-shattering success and I STAKE MY LIFE ON IT. Wait a moment, let me get this on record! [talks into his tape recorder] "I, Dr. Simon Finch-Royce, being of sound mind and body declare that Sam and Diane shall be happy together throughout all eternity and if I am wrong I promise I will take my own life in the most disgusting manner possible." Here, take the tape, NO, take the whole machine. It's my wedding gift to you. The most perfect couple since the DAWN of TIME.
Diane: [turns to Sam, beaming] See?

The Godfather: Part 3 [5.22]

Diane: Oh Sam, it's never too early to start thinking of name for our children.
Sam: It is if you're thinking about the name Emil.
Diane: What's wrong with Emil?
Sam: A meal is something you eat. It's not something you name your kid.

Sam: The point is you've got to get to know each other better if you're going to take a big step like this. You gotta get past this early infatuation and get to the point where you're sick and tired of each other; then you're ready for marriage. Look at Diane and me, we waited five years to get married. If it were up to me we'd wait another five.

Norm's First Hurrah [5.23]

Diane: Norman, may I talk to you for a minute?
Norm: Yeah, sure. What's up?
Diane: You make me sick. You're a quitter, Norman! No, you're worse than that, you're a non-starter. You don't even try. You sit around the bar all day, you sit around your house all day, you sit around here all day, you sit around life all day! How are you going to feel at the end of your life when you're lying-no, make that sitting, on your death bed and you realize the only thing you've done in your life was sit around, and watch people do things, make things out of their lives? Well, maybe you're right, Norman. Maybe you're not meant for success, maybe you're meant for exactly what you are-nothing.
Norm: Diane, you have no right to say that to me.
Diane: Oh, Norman, I only said those things because I care about you.
Norm: You must care an awful lot about me.
Diane: Yes, I do. We all do. We're your friends, Norman, and we're all tired of seeing you give up so easily.

Diane: [After Thompkins steals Norm's proposal to the Board of Directors] Now now, Norman, you can't let this phase you, all right? You have to keep pushing. I know that this idea didn't succeed, but others will.
Norm: No no, Diane. Look, a few minutes ago, I almost made the biggest mistake of my professional life and it was because I was doing something that just wasn't me. I am not a go-getter, I've never been a go-getter, what's more, I don't even want to be a go-getter. I'm very happy right where I am. I'm so sick of all these people saying "Peterson, you gotta push", "You gotta get ahead", "You gotta make that goal". I don't even want to make the goal, Diane. I want to be a bench warmer. The world needs bench warmers. If there were no bench warmers, what would we have? Cold benches. A lot of cold benches and the world does not need that. You know something, I'm very happy with being an anonymous cog in this field of work.
Diane: Norman, I've never seen you so impassioned like this before.
Norm: That's because I believe in this, Diane. I'll tell you something else, Norm Peterson may be a motionless lump, but he's a damn good one.

Cheers: The Motion Picture [5.24]

Sam: You're just in time to see our masterpiece.
Diane: Should I alert Pauline Kael?
Sam: Well if you want to but tell her to get her butt in gear. We're about to start.

Sam: Hey Diane, shoot the damn film.
Diane: Would you tell Fellini, shoot the damn film? Would you tell Antonioni, shoot the damn film? Would you tell Bergman, shoot the damn film?
Sam: No, I'm telling you. Shoot the damn film.
Carla: Better yet, shoot the damn Diane.

A House Is Not a Home [5.25]

Sam: That's it. We have always done things your way. I have bent over backwards to make you happy. I bought the ring you wanted. The china you wanted. The crystal you wanted. I even agreed to have duvet over on my bed. I don't know what a duvet is or what it's supposed to cover. When are we going to do something that I want to do?
Diane: May I remind you we're going to Disney World for our honeymoon.
Sam: Big deal. Who isn't?

Sam: I'm not ready to own a home. You got to work up to that.
Norm: Sammy's right. It's a big responsibility. You got lawns to mow. You got plumbing to fix, gutters to clean. Then every couple of years you've got to paint the entire thing from top to bottom. Honestly I don't know where Vera gets the energy.
Frasier: Norm, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Norm: Yeah, I guess I should, shouldn't I? Well thank God I'm not.

I Do, Adieu [5.26]

Sumner: Excuse me, young man. I'm Dr. Sumner Sloane. I'm looking for Diane Chambers.
Woody: Gee, I hope she's not sick.
Sumner: No, I'm not a medical doctor. I'm in the literature department at Boston University where I occupy a chair.
Woody: Hey don't worry about it. That's all I did in school too.

Sam: Hey, have a good life.
Diane: Have a good life?
Sam: What?
Diane: Well, that's something you say when somethings over. Sam, I'm going away for six months. That's all. So no more of this 'Have a good life' stuff.
Sam: You never know. You could die, I could die, the world could end. One of us could bump our heads and wander the streets the rest of our lives with amnesia. Or maybe, one of us will decide we want something else.
Diane: None of those things will happen. I'll be back here. I will. I'll see you in six months, OK?
[Diane exits Cheers]
Sam: Have a good life....

Season 6

Home Is the Sailor [6.1]

Sam: [about Diane] I was afraid I was going to walk in here today and see her face everywhere I looked. Instead what I saw was all these silly changes you made.
Rebecca: I happen to think it's...
Sam: No, no, it's good. It helped me. What I'm trying to say is this place is the closest thing I have close to a real home. I want to come back. Please.
Rebecca: I'm very sorry, Mr. Malone. I wish I could help.

Rebecca: [to Sam] Alright, I'll give you another chance. But I want to make something very clear - you've just got one chance left, and as far as I'm concerned, again, in baseball-ese: bottom of the 9th, you've got 2 outs, 2 strikes...and no balls.

'I' on Sports [6.2]

Rebecca: Well you used to be the boss. How did you feel when people lied to you?
Sam: I had a rule, when anyone ever lied to me they had to go to bed with me.
Rebecca: That's one way to make sure it won't happen again.

Sam: What am I going to do about this?
Frasier: Sam, may I suggest deception?
Cliff: Well hold onto your horses there, Frasier. I mean as a psychiatrist isn't your job to seek and uphold the truth?
Frasier: Get real, Cliff.

Little Carla, Happy at Last: Part 1 [6.3]

Eddie: What is so bad? Twins means we're twice blessed.
Sam: Yeah, I had twins once and it was the happiest day of my life.

Woody: Hey Sam, what are you concocting there?
Sam: You know how superstitious Carla and Eddie are, I thought I'd mix them up a batch of my good luck wedding punch. It never fails.
Woody: Isn't that the same stuff you made when you were getting married to Miss Chambers?
Sam: [pause] Woody, you want to flush this down the toilet?

Little Carla, Happy at Last: Part 2 [6.4]

The Crane Mutiny [6.5]

Paint Your Office [6.6]

The Last Angry Mailman [6.7]

Esther: Oh look there's your favorite hiding place in the closet. You used to be in there for hours.
Cliff: It's cause you always locked the door on me, Ma.
Esther: Well look at the result. You're a very polite young man.

Sam: How you been there, Frasier?
Frasier: You know how it is for a psychiatrist this day in age. Divorces. Hopelessness over financial situations. Rapid paranoia. Thriving, never better.

Bidding on the Boys [6.8]

Frasier: [about Lillith] Oh God I'm losing her, Sam.
Sam: Will you stop that? you're my friend, I'm never going to take a woman away from you.
Frasier: What about Diane?
Sam: And didn't God punish me with a vengeance.
Frasier: Well yes but gee whiz.

Cliff: You can call me a traditionalist, call me out of step with the times but I prefer to get my women the old-fashioned way.
Carla: In a plain brown wrapper?

Pudd'n Head Boyd [6.9]

Carla: Woody, you have been coming in here dressed in that ridiculous getup for three weeks now. When are you going to stop this nonsense.
Woody: Carla, as an understudy I have to be dressed and ready to go on at a moments notice. Putting on makeup like this can take hours but I wouldn't expect you to understand.
Carla: Why? Cause I'm not in the theater?
Woody: No, because you don't wear makeup.

Frasier: We had oodles of fun and we lost a combined 11 pounds to boot.
Cliff: You lost weight on a cruise? I thought there were wall to wall meals?
Lilith: There's also wall to wall waves.

A Kiss Is Still a Kiss [6.10]

Sam: What's got you so upset?
Frasier: Some college professor has just published an article that refutes everything I said in my last paper.
Cliff: Sounds like a shoot out at the cuckoo cuckoo corral.

Sam: How's life treatin' ya?
Norm: It's not Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.

My Fair Clavin [6.11]

Sam: [to Rebecca] What do you say? Shall we strip down to our smiles and show the couch here a good time?

Cliff: Oh, hey. Did you notice the pool on the way in?
Woody: Yeah.
[Norm chuckles]
Cliff: So when summer rolls around and all those girls are out there in their French-cut bikinis, I don't have to tell you where I'll be.
Norm: Standing right here with a pair of binoculars?
Cliff: That's right.

Christmas Cheers [6.12]

Carla: [about Rebecca] Ah, well don't feel bad Sam. Just because everybody else got her something. The pretzel salesman, the beer distributor, the relief bartender, the guy she fired after one day.
Sam: Yeah, yeah. Wait a minute though. All those guys were just trying to get her into the sack.
[Carla gives Sam a stare.]
Sam: I've got some shopping to do!

Sam: Hey Carla. I got a present for Rebecca.
Carla: [noticing the woman with Sam] I see you picked up a little package for yourself, too.
Sam: Hey, why not? I've been a good boy, and it's just what I asked for.

Woody for Hire, and Norman of the Apes [6.13]

Sam: What are you doing there?
Woody: Miss Howe put moi in charge of refreshments for the book club.
Sam: Yeah, but what are those?
Woody: Finger sandwiches. You know, the part that takes the most time is getting that middle knuckle right.
Sam: Woody, they don't actually have to look like fingers.
Woody: Yeah right.

Cliff: Hey Normy. You ever feel like we're getting in a rut here?
Norm: What do you mean Cliff?
Cliff: I mean we come in the same bar, sit in the same stools, drink beer night after night. I mean there's gotta be something more to life.
Norm: Cliffie, for the last time, I am not changing bar stools with you.

And God Created Woodman [6.14]

Sam: [about Rebecca] This is getting insulting. You know I don't think she respects us.
Woody: What do you mean "us", Sam? You're the one who goofed up that champagne thing.
Sam: Come on, man. We're a team.
Woody: Is that the insulting part?

Rebecca: Isn't it amazing how Carla's labor pains always seem to coincide with Celtic home games?

Tale of Two Cuties [6.15]

Cliff: Pardon my appearance everybody.
Rebecca: We always do. Sorry I was covering for Carla.

Rebecca: Did you get a chance to see Carla's babies?
Sam: They're two of the cutest little guys you've ever seen.
Rebecca: Who do they look like, Carla or Eddie?
Woody: Well they're twins, they kind of look like each other.

Yacht of Fools [6.16]

Woody: How come you're not going with Ms. Howe?
Sam: I thought I'd have fun instead.

Cliff: Check out Mr. Evan Drake over there acting like he owns the place, huh. Thinks he's just some big shot corporate executive.
Frasier: Well actually Cliff if it helps to alleviate this envy that seems to be eating you up right now studies have shown that rich people are 40 to 50% less happy than most of us.
Sam: Oh come on. That's a crock.
Frasier: Of course it is. But we have cling to it, don't we?

To All the Girls I've Loved Before [6.17]

Lilith: I have a small favor to ask regarding our impending wedding. since all of my close friends will be out of town and we have had a previous conversation and our eyes have met on a number of occasions I was wondering if you'd consent to be my maid of honor.
Rebecca: Oh I'm very flattered. I guess so. Sure Lila.
Lilith: Lilith.
Rebecca: Right right. I knew that.

Sam: Around here when guys get together to send another guy off to his doom, things can get a little raunchy.
Woody: You fellas ever dress up farm animals in woman's clothing?
Sam: No
Woody: Then I'm one up on you.

Let Sleeping Drakes Lie [6.18]

Woody: Can I pour you a draft, mr. Peterson?
Norm: A little early, isn't it, Woody?
Woody: For a beer?
Norm: No, for stupid questions.

Frasier: You know as my old professor used to say "If you can't laugh at your patients what fun are they."

Airport V [6.19]

The Sam in the Grey Flannel Suit [6.20]

Drake: I'll be straight with you, Sam. Sure, we originally hired you to pitch for the softball team. But actually you turned out to be somewhat of a surprise.
Sam: Oh?
Drake: Yeah, yeah. You're a much better hitter that we anticipated.

Rebecca: [Sarcastic] Rah, rah, rah.
Sam: Hey, you know, I never knew that you were a cheerleader. Although I've always admired your pom poms.

Our Hourly Bread [6.21]

[After Rebecca says Cheer's is in danger of shutting down due to costs.]
Norm: Well, maybe it isn't exactly my place to say this. But, Cheers means about as much to me as much as anyone here. This is pretty bad news. I'd say bad news like this deserves a sympathy round of drinks on the house.

Norm: Senior bartender huh? Well, Woods, you know a little promotion like that kind of deserves a round of drinks on the house.
Woody: Ah, gee, Mr. Peterson, I'd love to. I'm real sorry, but gosh I just don't think I'd better.
Norm: Boy, give a guy a title and he turns into a fascist.

Slumber Party Massacred [6.22]

Cliff: How's married life treatin' ya? Quite a change, huh?
Frasier: Well you know Lilith and I did live together a year before we wed so other than the fact that I now see it stretching endlessly before me until I lie rotting in the grave, there's no real difference.

Carla: For the first time in my life when morning comes around I want to open up my eyes instead of my wrists.
Eddie: That's beautiful, honey.

Bar Wars [6.23]

Carla: We've still got something that Gary can't take away.
Norm: Our pride?
Carla: Hell no. We never had that.

Carla: I'd like to do something to Gary to make him really miserable.
Cliff: Why don't you marry him?

The Big Kiss-Off [6.24]

Frasier: To recap; sitting in the bar today we have among others a man who is actually simple enough to hypnotize himself. I'd like to offer the suggestion that we've seen it all. [Sam enters wearing a military uniform] Happily I stand corrected.

Frasier: Explain this to me. If the winner is going to get a kiss from Rebecca, what does the loser get?
Cliff: Well, um, A kiss from Norm!
Norm: Then of course, there is no loser.

Backseat Becky, Up Front [6.25]

Sam: Does anyone know how to drive a limo around here?
Woody: Oh I've driven a tractor, it can't be that different.

Rebecca: Excuse me Sam, I'm being beckoned.
Sam: Listen, if this is what you think it is, can I give you some advice?
Rebecca: What?
Sam: If you're going to make an ass of yourself, take it outside.

Season 7

How to Recede in Business [7.1]

Sam: [to Rebecca] The way I see it, you haven't had a date with a guy for about two and half years. Now I think this date of ours could be good for me but sweetheart, I got to say it's looking real necessary for you.

Sam: Speaking of Mercedes, I'm kind of known as the Mercedes of guys.
Rebecca: Really? I always thought you were more of a cheap pickup with a headlight missing.

Swear to God [7.2]

Rebecca: [about Sam] What does it mean when you can't turn on the horniest guy that ever lived? I am really getting old.
Carla: Rebecca, will you stop being ridiculous? You're still a young, beautiful, vibrant woman with her whole life ahead of her.
Rebecca: You're just saying that.
Carla: Yes, I am. I was taught to humor old folks.

Sam: So believe it or not I've given up sex entirely. But you've got to promise not to tell anyone.
Frasier: Well Sam, confidentiality is the bedrock of my profession. Besides, who'd believe it?

Executive Sweet (1) [7.3]

Rebecca: What the hell's in the box?
Woody: Those are my bees, Miss Howe.
Rebecca: Enough said.
Woody: Can I keep them in there until the end of the day?
Rebecca: Sure, anything you want. In my mood I'll agree to anything.
Sam: Sounds like my cue.

Sam: [to Rebecca] Let's try this. Have sex with me 25 times and if the end of the night you're still not sure then I won't say another thing.

One Happy Chappy in a Snappy Serape (2) [7.4]

Cliff: [about Martin] How does a guy so young get to be so incredibly powerful?
Woody: I just try to maintain a cheerful attitude and try not abuse my position.

Norm: I hate to change the subject but I don't know if anyone recognizes, we seem to have a little problem here.
Woody: Oh you need another beer, Mr. Peterson.
Norm: Okay we have two problems here.

Those Lips, Those Ice [7.5]

Sam: You must be gettin' pretty excited.
Carla: Yeah, I thought that ice show would never get back to Boston. It has been tough. He [Eddie] misses me. The kids miss him. Not to mention that I happen to be at my sexual peak.
Sam: You've been there since you were 12.
Carla: When you find a place you like, why leave it?

Eddie: Hey, are the kids home? I haven't talked to them since I got back. I want to give them a call.
Carla: Oh yeah go ahead. Just make sure you identify yourself by name. Just saying "It's dad" leaves too much confusion.

Norm, Is That You? [7.6]

Lilith: You should be decorating professionally.
Norm: Doing you folks a favor is one thing. Anymore of this interior decorating junk could really eat into my reputation as a lazy, beer-guzzling lump of mashed potatoes.
Frasier: But Norm, you have a gift.
Norm: A gift? Try a curse, pal. I spent my whole damn life trying to cover up the fact that I have a great sense of color and I always know where to put the ottoman.

Norm: I can't go on with this any longer. I wanted to be your decorator so I pretended to be who I thought you wanted me to be but it's time I came out of the closet. I'm straight.
Robert: Impossible.
Norm: Ever since I was a little boy I've known that I prefer girls. But the point is I think you should judge people for what they do not for who they do.

How to Win Friends and Electrocute Yourself [7.7]

Norm: [about their conversation] Yeah, why wasn't it the stupidest?
Frasier: Well frankly it lacks meaningless statistics and inane historical trivia. Say where is Cliff anyway?
Sam: Yeah, is he still in hospital?
Norm: I don't know. How's he doin'?
Sam: I thought you were gonna go see him.
Norm: Well I tried. I mean I got as far as the hospital lobby but you know that smell of alcohol makes me really queasy. [motions for a beer refill]

Rebecca: The Globe's doing an article on women who run pubs and now he wants to take my picture. I really dread this.
Sam: Why?
Rebecca: Because I get so tensed up in front of a camera. All of a sudden I look like something the cat coughed up.
Carla: Oooh, can I have an 8x10 for my mantlepiece?
Rebecca: How about a 2x4 for your bridgework?

Jumping Jerks [7.8]

Rebecca: [about sky diving] I just think it's really exciting - the danger of drifting through space. You know, talk about a turn on.
Sam: Please do.

Sam: Fellas it's late. You've had a few beers, you'll agree to anything.
Norm: Damn right, we will.

Send in the Crane [7.9]

Sam: I'm sittin' at a table in this restaurant with Judy and Laurie. The mother reaches over and grabs my knees and says "Sam, I want you." Then I feel the daughter reach over and grabs the other knee and she says "I want you too, Sammy."
Norm: Well yeah yeah.
Sam: Then I woke up. You know what this dream means don't you?
Norm: It means you even dream better than we do.

Sam: Sweetheart, I've handled trickier situations than this before. Remember the time I dated those lovely Henshaw triplets all at the same time.
Carla: Sammy first of all, that was back when you were drinking like a fish, and second of all, that was one chick.

Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back [7.10]

Carla: Woody, you don't know what you're getting yourself into. I mean, those guys at Gary's are vicious. They could strip you naked, paint you red, and put you on a subway.
Woody: They wouldn't do that.
Carla: They did it to me. But I got the best of them.
Norm: How's that?
Carla: [laughing] I loved it.

Woody: Hey Mr. Peterson there's a cold one waitin' for ya.
Norm: I know, and if she calls I'm not here.

Adventures in Housesitting [7.11]

Sam: Let me see here, Rebecca Howe all alone and scared in a big old house. Sounds to me like a job for Sammy's Security Company, we get in before the burglars do!
Carla: That's what I like about you Sam; you're pants are always thinkin'.

Rebecca: Sam, did you come out here because you were concerned I was scared? Or did you come out here to get me in the sack?
Sam: Hey I came out here because I was concerned and scared that I would never get you in the sack.

Please Mr. Postman [7.12]

[Rebecca passionately kisses Norm]
Rebecca: I don't know what go into me. Please apologize to Vera.
Norm: Are you kidding? After that Vera should apologize to me.

Cliff: Was it my imagination or was that woman coming on to me?
Norm: Cliffie, Walt Disney should've had your imagination.

Golden Boyd [7.13]

Woody: Who wants to see a rich boy get his butt whooped?
Carla: Wait a minute, I can't leave. If you're gonna fight, go fight in the back. But remember, you've got to bus your own blood.

Kelly: Oh hi. I hope I'm not too late. I heard my boyfriend was coming here to fight that nice bartender.
Carla: Fight? I've had sneezes that lasted longer.

I Kid You Not [7.14]

Cliff: It's sad to say that kids unaccepted by their peers really never learn how to get along with people in the big grown up world.
Norm: Why is that, Cliff? 'Cause they keep boring everyone an driving them crazy with long speeches filled with meaningless statistics?
Cliff: Yep! 63% of them live lives of quiet desperation.
Norm: How about those who sit next to them?

Cliff: You know any female that rides around with Sammy in the car ends up going straight to bed with him.
Rebecca: I've ridden in that car.
Norm: Right.
Rebecca: Well I didn't go to bed with him.
Norm: Right and they always deny it afterwards.

Don't Paint Your Chickens [7.15]

Cliff: As a business man you really have a lot to be desired. You know you haven't had a job in three months.
Norm: Cliff, you're absolutely right. I could do something about that or I can sit right here and feel sorry for myself and nurse this beer all day. Since I'm already here...

Rebecca: Well everyone you are looking at a winner.
Carla: You were the best kisser upper? Gee what does that trophy look like?

The Cranemakers [7.16]

[A pregnant Lilith enters the bar.]
Lilith: Lay your hands upon me everyone, I am life. I am mother. My man's seed is nourished within me. [To Sam] Touch my breasts, my friend, I am lactating.
Sam: Boy, I tell ya, this is kind of a first for me, uh, but I'm gonna pass.

Hot Rocks [7.17]

What's Up, Doc? [7.18]

Sam: What kind of problem should I make up?
Carla: Well how about this, I once took one of my kids to the school psychiatrist and he said the kid had kleptomania.
Norm: Anything come of it?
Carla: Got a couple of pens and a leather appointment book.
Norm: Or you could try using my problem. I've always had this terrible fear of being a failure.
Carla: You are a failure.
Norm: Then I've licked it.

Sam: Answer the question, what do I have in my life that isn't women or sex?
Rebecca: Come on Sam, you're a passionate guy. I bet you have a lot of things you care deeply about.
Sam: Yeah, like what?
Rebecca: Sailing.
Sam: Babes on waves. See, the doctor was right. I'm a shallow guy.

The Gift of the Woodi [7.19]

Lilith: There are two approaches a woman can take in turning her look to her advantage. The first is to play upon the male sexual drive and turn yourself into an object of desire. I have opted for the second.
Rebecca: What's that?
Lilith: Scaring them stupid.

Norm: For God's sake. Are you still going on about your stupid vegetable?
Cliff: It's not my vegetable, Norm. It belongs to the whole world.
Carla: Aren't you vegetable enough for the world?

Call Me, Irresponsible [7.20]

Rebecca: Isn't Eddie sweet? Why can't more men send flowers?
Sam: I didn't know Mormons couldn't send flowers.
Rebecca: I said "more men", not Mormon.
Sam: I know they can't dance.
Norm: No Sam, that's the Amish.
Sam: Then why can't Mormon's send flowers?
Rebecca: They can!! I just wish someone would send me some damn flowers!
Sam: So why does it have to be a Mormon?
Rebecca: Oh! [walks away]
Sam: Some people you just can't discuss religion with.

Woody: What's goin' on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: The flashing side of my gut that says "insert beer here."

Sisterly Love [7.21]

Sam: At this very moment, Rebecca Howe is in her house spending two hours getting into an outfit she's gonna spend two minutes getting out of.
Norm: What are you going to do about that sister?
Sam: Oh, I already made a phone call to postpone our date.
Cliff: You gonna take her out tomorrow night?
Sam: No, take her out in a couple of hours.

Sam: Carla, you hate your sister, don't you?
Carla: Sure, why?
Sam: What would I have to do to get the two of you back together again?
Carla: Simple, Sam. Ask me to come down and identify her body.

The Visiting Lecher [7.22]

Frasier: Why didn't you just bring Valerie with you?
Lawrence: Well you know she hates to travel. Besides we decided this was a perfect opportunity to test my theories about martial fidelity. And I'm glad to say that after 10 months of celibacy, I can how pronounce my principles sound.
Sam: After 10 months of celibacy I couldn't even pronounce my name.

Rebecca: Your husband came onto me at a local bar.
Valerie: Do you mean he propositioned you?
Rebecca: Well he didn't exactly proposition me.
Valerie: Well what exactly did he do?
Rebecca: He asked me about my feelings.
Valerie: That is his field you know.
Rebecca: That isn't all he did. He rubbed my leg with his disgusting foot.
Sam: [to maid] She never gets tired of telling this part.

Season 8

The Improbable Dream: Part 1 [8.1]

Cliff: You know it's quite remarkable. To float something as heavy as a wedge of lime, beer must have quite a high buoyancy factor.
Carla: So do your loafers.
Norm: Call me old-fashioned Cliff, but the only thing I like floating in my beer is my liver.

Rebecca: Oh Frasier, Lilith excuse me. I know you're probably on your way somewhere.
Lilith: Yes, we are.
Frasier: But when aren't we?
Rebecca: It's just that I have this really bad problem. It's getting so bad that I can't even sleep at night.
Frasier: Well I'm sorry Rebecca, we do have this important lunch.
Rebecca: You see I've been having these erotic dreams.
Frasier: Well lunch be damned! Our friend is in need.

The Improbable Dream: Part 2 [8.2]

Frasier: Perhaps your dreams are trying to tell you about something too frightening for your waking ming.
Sam: Like what?
Frasier: Like you care. You care about Rebecca.
Sam: Oh come on, Frasier. You know me. How can I care about her? We haven't done the main that I care about.
Frasier: Forgive me, Sam. I forgot about your high moral standards.
Lilith: You mean to say, you can't care about a woman unless you sleep with her first?
Sam: Well, yeah.

Sam: [about Rebecca] It doesn't seem fair, does it? I spent three years loosening the cap on that peanut butter jar and right now she's stickin' to the roof of somebody else's mouth.

A Bar Is Born [8.3]

Sam: Hey Rebecca, can I work the next shift? I need the overtime.
Rebecca: Sam look, I know what you're trying to do here but forget it. It's going to take you the rest of your life to save enough money to buy Cheers.
Woody: Hey if Sam says he can do it, he can do it. We have faith in you Sam. Cheers is gonna be yours. I just hope I'm still alive to see it.

Norm: Women. You can't live with them...pass the beer nuts.

How to Marry a Mailman [8.4]

Frasier: Emotional crises can affect our sensory perceptions. Devastating. I've read volumes on hysterical blindness, loss of hearing, even total loss of speech.
Carla: Clavin had to pick blindness.
Frasier: Carla, you're not helping.
Carla: I'm not trying.

Margaret: The men up in Canada well they just don't compare to you. They're just pale pathetic imitations of you, Cliff.
Carla: Boy that must be one butt ugly country.

The Two Faces of Norm [8.5]

Norm: Today I had to choose between two really great jobs. Couldn't make up my mind.
Woody: What'd you do?
Norm: I skipped them both and came in here. I think I made the right choice.

Norm: I'm sorry, I've never hired anyone before, I wouldn't know what to ask.
Rudy: Okay, but while you're thinking about it, let me buy you a beer.
Norm: You're hired!

The Stork Brings a Crane [8.6]

Sam: On this day in Boston's History? Yeah so they run this column every day. It tells you what happened 10 years ago, 50 years ago. What are we looking for? The last time she [Rebecca] had sex?
Carla: No no no, this only goes back 100 years.
Rebecca: Why are you all so interested in my sex life?
Sam: Somebody has to be.

Lilith: Oh doctor, thank God I felt so isolated here. I guess I had false labor. I'm just so terribly embarrassed because I'm a doctor myself. I was so sure this was the real thing. Not to mention the fact that I was sure I was going to be a mother today. Now I have to go on waiting. I need someone to talk me though this and please please tell me what to do.
Doctor: False labor. Go home.

Death Takes a Holiday on Ice [8.7]

Carla: I told you he was my husband. I had twins with Eddie.
Gloria: So what? So did I.
Norm: Yikes.
Carla: At least mine don't give you warts when you touch them.

Carla: It's not fair. I swear I get all the disadvantages of being married and none of the perks.
Norm: Wait, there are perks?

For Real Men Only [8.8]

Frasier: How can you go back to a room full of people that think you're a total idiot? How do you do it Cliff?
Cliff: I don't really like to divulge-- Hey!

Woody: My grandmother cleaned out her attic. Guess what she found?
Carla: Your grandfather.
Woody: No, he doesn't go in the attic.

Two Girls for Every Boyd [8.9]

Woody: Now this customer stuff is gonna be great. You know usually I'm so busy working, I miss out on all the witty conversations that go on around here.
[On the other side of the bar]
Cliff: Norm, you seem to have a little cheese doodle dust in the corner there.
Norm: I didn't have any cheese doodles.
Cliff: Last night you did.
Norm: I did? [licks lips] Wow that stuff really keeps, doesn't it?

Sam: [about his beard] So you really think it looks sexy, huh?
Rebecca: Oh yes, Yasser Arafat always makes me hot!

The Art of the Steal [8.10]

Rebecca: I want you to tell me straight. How good are your kids at breaking and entering anyway? And do not brag about them just because you're their mother.
Carla: Well that depends, what kind of system are we talking about here?
Rebecca: It's a Triton 5000 Sonic with laser beams.
Carla: They're not that good. But feel free to call if you're ever trapped in a late model car. They'll have you and the radio out in 60 seconds.

Sam: What is it with people nowadays? When I was a kid we used to keep our door unlocked all the time. We used to get ripped off a lot but we could at least get out of the damn house.

Feeble Attraction [8.11]

Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?

Doris: Cliff, when you get out of the service, could we go out together?
Cliff: You know Doris, there's actually no rule against mailmen dating women. It just sort of turns out that way.

Sam Ahoy [8.12]

Sam: We no longer think of ourselves as three individuals. We are three parts of the same machine, working together. Three people with one single purpose.
Carla: Not to drown.
Sam: All right, two single purposes; not to drown and win the race.
Norm: What about you know not getting all wet and getting all sick?
Sam: All right three single purposes.
Carla: How about buying the bar back?
Sam: Does anyone have a piece of paper?

[Sam enters wearing a suit]
Carla: Sammy, blind me with you beauty. What's with the fashion statement?
Sam: I had to look good. I had a meeting over at the corporation about buying Cheers.
Cliff: How'd it go?
Sam: I talked them into it. They're going to sell me the bar back. [Everyone cheers] I'm not out of the woods yet. I've got to raise a little bit more capital. I have to find myself a few investors. [Frasier, Norm, and the ride side of the bar move away] No not you. I'm talking about people with real money.
Norm: What's the matter, Sam? Our money's not good enough for you?
Sam: That's right.
Norm: Okay, for a second there I was offended.

Sammy and the Professor [8.13]

Carla: Hey teach, I'm Carla LeBec. Listen I got this business problem. I'm being audited by the IRS and I'm a little scared.
Alice: Well don't be. The IRS auditors aren't inherently evil monsters and sadists. They're people just like you.
Carla: Boy I'm in worse trouble than I thought.

Norm: It looks like you'll have to bury the auditor in paperwork. Get your hands on all your receipts, if you don't have them, make them up
Carla: That's illegal
Norm: Okay, if you don't wanna...
Carla: No, the kids will love it! We'll make it a family project!

What is... Cliff Clavin? [8.14]

Alex Trebek: And it takes us to Cliff. Cliff, good news for you. Both of your opponents came up with incorrect responses, and what that means is that even if you're wrong, and as long as you didn't do anything foolish, like wager everything, you're a cinch winner.
Cliff: Well then, we don't have to see my answer, do we, Alex? [Places his jacket over his monitor.] I will see you at the Tournament of Champions.
Alex: [Taking the jacket from Cliff's monitor.] Cliff, we're running out of time, and we are gonna have to take a look at your response. You wrote down... "Who are three people who've never been in my kitchen?" No, I'm sorry, that too is wrong. The correct response is "Who are the real names of Cary Grant, Tony Curtis, and Joan Crawford?"
Cliff: Well, be that as it may, Alex, those people have never been in my kitchen.
Alex: Well, I'm sure they haven't. But obviously that's not what we were going for when we wrote up that clue.
Cliff: Obvious to who?
Alex: Cliff, it's all right. You don't have to worry. Unless you risked more than $21,600, you will be the new Jeopardy! champion. So let's take a look and see what your wager was. You bet... 22,000 Big Ones! Takes you down to $0. You bet it all. Cliff, why would you do something like that?
Cliff: It's because I knew that those people have never been in my kitchen! You can ask them, come on! Tony Curtis is still alive! Get them on the phone. Go ahead! I'll pay for the call.
Alex: It isn't gonna work Cliff, sorry. Agnes, $400 isn't a big total, but today, that is gonna make you Jeopardy! champion. Congratulations.

Sam: The man's gone through my entire list of babes. First the A's, then the B's, all the way through the G's. Where's he gonna strike next?
Frasier: The H's?
Woody: That's good work, Dr. Crane, you gotta think like a criminal.
Frasier: Or just someone acquainted with our alphabet.

Finally!: Part 1 [8.15]

Sam: Do me one favor, will ya.
Rebecca: Sure, what is it?
Sam: Go to bed with me.
Rebecca: Oh Sam, you never stop.
Sam: I'm sorry. It's in my genes.
Rebecca: That's where it's gonna stay.

Sam: Rebecca and Robin started making out in the back of the limo. So I offered to do the gentlemanly thing.
Cliff: What's that?
Sam: Let them dump me out on the railroad tracks.
Carla: Oh man. That Colcord is a real jerk.
Sam: Yeah, he just pulled over and let me out.
Carla: He stopped the car? So what are you whining about?

Finally!: Part 2 [8.16]

Rebecca: Robin, I need a one woman man.
Robin: And I am a one woman man. It's just that I'm still looking for the one woman.

Norm: [Rebecca's] taken to replacing the beer nuts to these little candy hearts that say "Hold me," "I'm yours," "Lovey dovey." Hey "Free beer."
Woody: Oh no Mr. Peterson, you fooled me once.

Woody or Won't He [8.17]

Woody: Hey Sam, can I ask you something?
Sam: Another etiquette question?
Woody: Yeah last one. What do I do if Kelly's mom tries to go to bed with me?
Sam: Kelly's mom? I'm shocked and more than a little impressed.

Norm: Well I have to say the mechanical bull is like the most useless thing put in a bar.
Cliff: Now, Norm.
Norm: Present company excepted.

Severe Crane Damage [8.18]

Frasier: All right now, everyone pay attention. I have an announcement to make and I only have a minute.
Norm: Why? You're in a hurry?
Frasier: No, I was referring to your relatively short attention spans.

Frasier: I'm just going to the men's room to check my hair.
Carla: I already checked. It's not in there.

Indoor Fun with Sammy and Robby [8.19]

Robin: What about a friendly game of pool?
Sam: No, I never like to nail a guy twice in one afternoon.
Carla: You haven't lived.

Frasier: You know it just isn't fair. I came because I wanted to be one of the guys and all I'm doing is sitting on my duff watching other people do things.
Norm: Welcomes to NormWorld. Keep your hands inside the car at all times.

Fifty-Fifty Carla [8.20]

Woody: Dr. Crane says if I can get undressed a little at a time in a place where I feel safe and secure pretty soon I can get naked anywhere.
Sam: Makin' progress huh Wood?
Woody: [now shirtless] You bet. I'm still scared, cold, and self-conscience. That's all I'll get out of it. But I did pick up an extra $50 in tips.

Woody: So, tonight, when I got out in front of that audience, I ripped off every stitch of clothing. I looked around and I thought, "Why am I the only one who's naked?"
Sam: Well, maybe nobody noticed, Wood.
Frasier: Oh, they noticed, Sam.
Woody: As if that wasn't bad enough, I heard this high-pitched scream from the audience, "Hey, look! He's the only one who's naked!"
Norm: Sorry, Woody. It took me by surprise.

Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh [8.21]

Sam: What are you up to Norm?
Norm: My ideal weight if I were 11 feet tall.

Woody: Gary's just playing with us, like a rat and mouse.
Sam: That's cat and mouse, Woody.
Woody: Sam, a cat and mouse don't play together. They're mortal enemies. They don't even know the same games. Think before you speak, Sam.

Loverboyd [8.22]

Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
Norm: You mean nice cold beer going down Mr. Peterson.

Carla: Sorry. No suds tonight, Norm. You are still our designated driver, remember?
Norm: I know that. You know that. But did you have to call every bar in town and tell them?

The Ghost and Mrs. LeBec [8.23]

Frasier: Carla, this psychic business is just a crutch to avoid reality. It's very easy for people to get hooked on this hocus pocus. Before you know it this woman will be holding your hand once a week, charging you $100 an hour, and filling your mind with all sorts of confusing jargon.
Carla: And how is that different from you?
Frasier: Well I can prescribe drugs.

Lilith: Well kudos to Carla. It's healthy after a time to curtail one's grieving and recommence interest in the opposite sex. I know if my Frasier were taken from me in an unforeseen tragedy I would certainly date again after an acceptable period of bereavement.
Frasier: That gives me a warm fuzzy.
Lilith: There'd be no sense in being overly emotional, darling. You'd be dead and rotting in a box.
Frasier: Woody, can I have another beer and would you check on the robot over there and check if it's thirsty.
Woody: Hey Dr. Crane, that's your wife. Don't talk about her like that. What can I get you Dr. Sternin-Crane? Another quart of Valvoline?
Lilith: Oh won't you people stop it? I am not a robot!

Mr. Otis Regrets [8.24]

Woody: [Terri] sounds like the perfect roommate. But I don't know. The thought of having a girl for a roommate, well I've got a real problem with that.
Norm: Your girlfriend wouldn't understand, huh?
Woody: Now I've got two problem.
Sam: I get it. Your mom would disapprove.
Woody: Make that three problems.
Frasier: What? Do you have religious scruples?
Woody: Oh great four problems.
Sam: What was your original problem?
Woody: Well I like to sit on the couch and leave the top button of my pants undone after a good frozen meal.

Woody: I don't think Kelly would mind. If I'm not sleeping with her why would I be sleeping with somebody else?
Carla: Wait a minute. You've been going out with Kelly for over a year and you're not sleepin' with her?
Woody: Of course not. That's the sort of this you wait to do after you're married. Right, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Well you keep believing that, Woody.

Cry Hard [8.25]

Norm: Well I guess I better go call Vera back.
Cliff: What are you talking about? She didn't call.
Norm: Yes, she did. Yesterday. Something about a flat tire, interstate. What the hell's the number of that call box?

Rebecca: I cannot believe that Robin would use me like this.
Sam: Yeah I know. He seems like such a decent guy. It's not like he ever, you know, cheated on any of your friends on a business deal. No, no actually he did, didn't he? Well at least you never caught him with another woman. Oh shoot that happened too. Well maybe this is the very last bad thing he does. Yeah that's it.
Rebecca: Gee Sam, you think so?

Cry Harder [8.26]

Carla: I know how we should celebrate. Why don't you just take me right on top of the bar like you did in the old days?
Sam: I never did that.
Carla: Then who was that guy? Oh that was the manager of the bar where I worked before this. Hey can anyone give me a ride to The Broken Spoke?

Rebecca: I love [Robin] and I'm just about ready to lose him. Have you ever thought what it would be like to be without Vera for 20 years?
Norm: Oh my God.
Rebecca: See you'd miss Vera.
Norm: I thought you said beer.

Season 9

Love Is a Really, Really Perfectly Okay Thing [9.1]

Cheers Fouls Out [9.2]

Rebecca Redux [9.3]

Where Nobody Knows Your Name [9.4]

Ma Always Liked You Better [9.5]

Grease [9.6]

Breaking in Is Hard to Do [9.7]

Bad Neighbor Sam [9.8]

Veggie-Boyd [9.9]

Norm and Cliff's Excellent Adventure [9.10]

Woody Interruptus [9.11]

Honor Thy Mother [9.12]

Achilles Hill [9.13]

The Days of Wine and Neuroses [9.14]

Wedding Bell Blues [9.15]

I'm Getting My Act Together and Sticking It in Your Face [9.16]

Sam Time Next Year [9.17]

Crash of the Titans [9.18]

It's a Wonderful Wife [9.19]

Cheers Has Chili [9.20]

Carla Loves Clavin [9.21]

Pitch It Again, Sam [9.22]

Rat Girl [9.23]

Home Malone [9.24]

Uncle Sam Wants You [9.25]

Season 10

Baby Balk [10.1]

Get Your Kicks on Route 666 [10.2]

Madame LaCarla [10.3]

The Norm Who Came to Dinner [10.4]

Ma's Little Maggie [10.5]

Unplanned Parenthood [10.6]

Bar Wars V: The Final Judgement [10.7]

Where Have All the Floorboards Gone? [10.8]

Head Over Hill [10.9]

A Fine French Whine [10.10]

I'm Okay, You're Defective [10.11]

Go Make [10.12]

Don't Shoot... I'm Only the Psychiatrist [10.13]

No Rest for the Woody [10.14]

My Son, the Father [10.15]

One Hugs, the Other Doesn't [10.16]

A Diminished Rebecca with a Suspended Cliff [10.17]

License to Hill [10.18]

Rich Man, Wood Man [10.19]

Smotherly Love [10.20]

Take Me Out of the Ball Game [10.21]

Rebecca's Lover... Not [10.22]

Bar Wars VI: This Time It's for Real [10.23]

Heeeeeere's... Cliffy! [10.24]

An Old-Fashioned Wedding [10.25]

Season 11

The Little Match Girl [11.1]

The Beer Is Always Greener [11.2]

The King of Beers [11.3]

The Magnificent Six [11.4]

Do Not Forsake Me, O' My Postman [11.5]

Teaching with the Enemy [11.6]

The Girl in the Plastic Bubble [11.7]

Ill-Gotten Gaines [11.8]

Feelings... Whoa, Whoa, Whoa [11.9]

Daddy's Little Middle-Aged Girl [11.10]

Love Me, Love My Car [11.11]

Sunday Dinner [11.12]

Norm's Big Audit [11.13]

It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Bar [11.14]

Loathe and Marriage [11.15]

Is There a Doctor in the Howe? [11.16]

The Bar Manager, the Shrink, His Wife and Her Lover [11.17]

The Last Picture Show [11.18]

Bar Wars VII: The Naked Prey [11.19]

Look Before You Sleep [11.20]

Woody Gets an Election [11.21]

It's Lonely on the Top [11.22]

Rebecca Gaines, Rebecca Loses [11.23]

The Guy Can't Help It [11.24]

One for the Road [11.25]

Sam: Sorry, we're closed. [Last line of the series]

External links

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Simple English

Cheers is the name of a long-running sitcom made by Charles-Burrows-Charles Productions in association with Paramount Television for NBC. The show premiered on September 30, 1982 and had its widely-watched series finale on May 20, 1993, followed by a long and ongoing run in syndication. In eleven seasons, there were 270 episodes.

  • Format: Sitcom
  • Run time: approx. 0:30 (per episode)
  • Creators: James Burrows, Glen Charles, and Les Charles


Setting and characters

The show was set in a Boston bar, where a group of friends would come to sit, drink alcohol, complain, and make practical jokes on a rival bar in town. The show also created the character Frasier Crane. Frasier got his own show (Frasier) the season after Cheers ended.

The show's main theme in its early seasons was the romance between Diane Chambers (Shelley Long) and ex-baseball pitcher and bar owner Sam Malone (Ted Danson). Long's departure from the show in 1987 shifted the emphasis to Sam's relationship with a new character, Rebecca Howe (Kirstie Alley). Diane returned for the finale.

The producers, not wanting the show to be construed as promoting drinking, had Sam's character written as an ex-alcoholic. Most of the early episodes took place entirely within the confines of the bar. When the series became popular, some scenes were outside the bar.

The outer shots of the bar were actually the Bull and Finch pub, north of Boston Common, which has become a tourist attraction because of its association with the series. It is said to be the bar that the series creators saw and wanted to model the bar in their show after. It has now been renamed as Cheers on Beacon Hill, though its interior is quite different from the TV bar.

The show was created by the team of James Burrows, Glen Charles, and Les Charles. It was nearly cancelled during its first season (in which it ranked dead last among 63 shows), but eventually became one of the most popular shows on TV, earning a top-ten rating during seven of its eleven seasons. The show earned 26 Emmy Awards, out of a total of 111 nominations.

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