Chris Emmet is player/manager of 7-a-side football team Toon Army.

Football

Even from birth, Chris displayed no natural signs of footballing ability. Like his hair, this ability has been unable to surface throughout his career.

Chris called time on his playing career at the age of seventeen in order to concentrate on managing the newly formed side Toon Army. The club, made up of journeymen professionals, enjoyed a modest success under his guidance - with his popularity boosted by the hiring of veteran forward Scott "The Flash" Goodacre, who enjoyed a successful return of 10 goals in 7 games before he decided to get a life instead.

Since then, Toon Army have struggled to put a consistent team out and, when fit, have been touted to have the potential to move off the bottom of their group and make a serious challenge to not finish last for a change. Chris plays when he can, although due to a lack of natural footballing ability wisely runs as little as possible and blames it on either the surface or his trainers if he makes a mistake.

Chris also recently lost the support of his players after making up obscene names such as "Trout" and stating that they would be playing some part in an upcoming fixture; only for the players to not materialise and force the Toon Army to field a 6 man team.

Off-The-Field Problems

Rarely seen out of a Newcastle top - Chris is a lifelong fan, even naming his team after the Premiership side - Chris was recently involved in a 'dogging' scandal at the local Wildlife centre. Police were able to halt Chris, who was only wearing a single pair of shoes, by luring him into a cardboard box and removing the support - causing him to become trapped (see pic).

This prompted a range of minor celebrities and ex-footballers to voice their criticisms of the Toon Army manager. The most prolific of these was Stan 'The Man' Collymore who, in his Nobel Prize acceptance speech, branded Chris a "disgrace", saying: "Chris really needs to sort his act out. I have met with Sepp Blatter and he supports my decision to remove Chris of his coaching badges and have him banned for life from anything relating to football. When we're done he won't be allowed to be within a mile of a football without competent supervision."

Chris' problems were emphasised when top player Matthew Darling was recently linked with a move to Real Madrid. Sources say the player is having a medical at the Bernabeu, with several other players set to follow him out the door.

News

News broke on the 15th of October from several sources following Toon Army's defeat the previous day. The news, and the time when it was posted, is listed below:

'11.18am "EMMET OUT! EMMET OUT!" - BBC Sports News

After a dismal display, many supporters calling for the managers head, while many top managers are tipping Maty Darling to be named the next England captain. Lewis "always injured" Monaghan let the team down with another Harry Kewell-esque injury claim. And don't let me start on Paul Ford. The crowd were expecting a fantastic goalkeeping debut from the "over-weight" Ford, yet all they received was an "I can't be arsed" at 11am on the day of the match!

11.52am "EMMET OUT! EMMET OUT!" - BBC Sports News Update

Following the breaking news this morning, under-fire Toon Army boss Chris Emmet's spokesman's wife's best friend from three doors down issued the following statement: "As of this moment in time we have no comment regarding the developments that relate to Chris Emmet's position as Toon Army manager."

The passer-by also refused to comment on accusations that Roman Abramovich - who owns a 25% stake in the team which beat Toon Army 3-0 yesterday - offered second-choice goalkeeper Trout a substantial payment to feign injury only 15 minutes before the match kicked off. Further reports that Emmet is being lined up to replace Roy Keane at Sunderland were answered by Black Cats chairman Niall Quinn: "What do we look like? A circus?! Roy is doing a good enough job making us look a laughing stock without bringing in some past-it, shaven-headed...oh..."

12.13pm "DARLING DROPPED!"

Matthew Darling has been sensationally dropped from the Toon Army squad for next week’s game. His poor showing in the last match has forced the manager into action and he has decided that Darling is not needed next week. 'Porky' Paul Ford has also been dropped and rumour has it that Sunderland manager Roy 'wanks his dogs ' Keane is lining up a move for the pair.

12.34pm "DARLING HITS BACK AT CRAPPY CHRIS" (The Sun)

Main man, Matthew Darling has been dominant in recent games, yet has been completely back-stabbed by his manager. The midfield dynamo (who has been recently linked with Real Madrid, and the national captains armband) has launched a scathing attack on the under-fire boss.

"This is a joke and everyone knows it! He has lost the players in the dressing room! Even premiership strugglers Newcastle United have turned him down!"

BREAKING NEWS : Darling set to become youngest England captain at the age of 19. (DESERVED)

12.44pm "DARLING SHOULD CAPTAIN ENGLAND"

Scott Goodacre has waded into the dispute over Chris Emmet's management of the club by lending his support to Matthew Darling. The defender, who has been struggling to gain match fitness recently, told us: "If Matthew wants to go for the England captaincy I'll support him. He has shown outstanding commitment to the squad recently and has been the most motivated member of the squad." The defender, who is currently the squad's most senior active member, feels that Darling's youthful outlook would benefit the team. "He's got newer ideas than most of us, so I reckon it'll be beneficial in the long run. He still blushes in the presence of girls so hopefully this will give the lad some confidence."

1.07pm "EXCELLENT EMMET HITS BACK AT DISMAL DARLING"

Toon Army’s everpresent player/manager Christopher Emmet has added to the war of words between himself and underacheiving player Matthew Darling and has urged him to remember why he was in the team for yeaterday’s defeat. "Mr Darling was only included in the squad because we're down to the bare bones, he knows he is not first choice, in fact he is far from it. We are hoping to have a few of our first team regulars back for next week so Darling will not make the squad for next weeks game." Fans have called for the manager to get rid of reserve team player Darling as many believe he is incapable of making the step up into first team football.

NEWS JUST IN: "Toon Army manager/player/captain Sir Christopher Emmet is in line to pick up this months player and manager award and has also been nominated for FIFA world player of the year. At the moment BBC Sport understands he is the hot favourite for all three awards.

1.21pm "DARLING AND GOODACRE HINT AT MASS EXODUS" (Toon Army Website)

Crisis point has arrived for Chris Emmet. The two stars, who have carried the team through most of the season because of disapointing displays, have warned of a mass exodus of players if Darling completes his predicted move to Real Madrid later this afternoon. Goodacre has been tipped to follow his fellow player and a surprise move for Fatboy Ford has been agreed following his release. Darling released a press statement earlier in the day declaring he would be delighted if the two players would join him at the Bernabeau and stick two fingers up at the balding Emmet.

CELEBRITY GOSSIP : Darling and Mrs. Emmet in all night sex romp, more to come on this story soon...

1.29pm "TOON ARMY BOSS IN COLLYMORE SCANDAL" (Daily Sport)

UNDER-FIRE Toon Army boss Chris Emmet is rumoured to have been involved in a 'dogging' scandal late last night. Sources close to the player/manager have admitted that Chris "may have" turned off his phone between 10pm and 2am last night. This report comes after allegation that police had arrested an "overweight, bald, ex-footballer" in the car park of the Washington Wild Fowl Park, Sunderland. Football star Stan 'The Man' Collymore has branded Emmet "a disgrace", and called for the manager to be stripped of his coaching badges and banned from football for life.

CELEBRITY GOSSIP: Mrs. Emmet has come forward about her 'open' relationship with Matthew Darling. Mrs. Emmet claims that the midfield dynamo - set to 'do a Pele' and become the spokesman for a well-known Viagra company - plied her with "wine and chocolate" before collapsing on the setee to watch South Africa overcome Argentina in the Rugby World Cup final.

2.02pm “GOODACRE IN CHILD MOLESTATION SCANDAL!”

Scott Goodacre’s proposed move to Real Madrid is on the brink of collapse as allegations of a relationship with a 13 year old boy surfaced. It is reported that a number of players from Toon Army are helping the police with their inquiries. This is not the first time Mr Goodacre has been hit by scandal as last year he was embroiled in a drugs scandal after he failed a routine drugs test and was banned for 6 months.

2.11pm “DARLING COMPLETES REAL DREAM” - Various

Real Madrid have completed the biggest move in sporting history by bagging 19 year old wonderkid Matthew Darling. During a press statement at the Madrid training ground, he admits: "I am delighted to have completed the move, as I believe it can only further my career. I am also pleased to get away from the club that is corrupt with scumbag manager Chris Emmet and child pest pervert Scott Goodacre (former friend)". The England captain also stated, "I will stand by Mr. Goodacre through his trial, although he is a bit of a weird nutcase!"

CELEBRITY GOSSIP : Mrs Emmet AND Mrs Goodacre were both spotted arriving in Madrid with the new Galactico, looking rather flustered after the 3 hour plane journey.