Colin Peppard (b. 1981) is an American surfer, rock climber, professional tree hugger, and darling of the media. He is a distant relative of actor George Peppard.

Early years

Colin Frederick Peppard was born on 24 July at St. Mary’s Hospital in Langhorne, Pennsylvania, the first son of Dorothy (Dot) and John (Jack) Peppard. Due to the size of his enormous head and giant esophagus, Colin’s birth was difficult, and his head emerged lopsided. The lopsided quality evened out over time, but he never quite grew into his enormous gullet, leaving him with a tragic condition that forces him to consume guacamole faster than anyone around him.

Although Colin fancies himself a New Jerseyan, he spent the first three years of his life in the Executive Section of Levittown, Pennsylvania, moving to Cinnaminson the summer he turned three. Three years after moving to Cinnaminson, Dot became pregnant with her second child. Colin seemed to welcome the idea of the proposed younger brother, Sam, until Sam actually appeared at his house. Upon the baby’s arrival, Colin oscillated between being too rough with him—revealing his unhappiness with the attention bestowed on the new baby—and loving having a little brother to play with and dominate. Dot recalled, “Colin always had to be the star, though. He did not like it when Sam held center stage and took the spotlight off him, so he didn't allow that to happen very often.”

Colin established his bizarre sleeping habits early. Shortly after he turned four, he went “camping” with his cousin/surrogate older brother, Alan, in the basement of his aunt and uncle. They set the tent up and stayed up late telling scary stories. In the middle of the night, Alan awoke to realize that Colin had moved around so that he was lying sideways, draped over the elder cousin’s legs. Other bizarre sleeping habits include smiling in his sleep and waking up his baffled bedmates to introduce them to his sleep hallucinations.

As a child, Colin’s favorite toys were He-Man and Legos; he particularly prided himself on putting together Lego sets without directions. Colin was also an aficionado of Pound Puppies—the “gender-neutral” stuffed animal for girls—going so far as to carry Pound Puppies with him to school daily and even dressing up as a Pound Puppy for Halloween.

Like most children of his generation, his favorite TV shows were Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood and Sesame Street—although he only enjoyed the unanimated versions of the latter, which he referred to as “Brown Sesame Street.” The show remains one of his favorites. As he matured, his taste in television tended toward shows with a heightened sense of gravitas: MacGyver and The A-Team. His many hours spent watching MacGyver proved useful when, in reaction to some insignificant parental mandate, he punched a hole into the utility room wall. When his mother discovered it, she insisted that he fix it. Using his MacGyver skills, he fixed the hole perfectly, and the patch lasted for several years.

Although Colin demonstrated aptitudes for building and inventing early, his career as an inventor never lived beyond the first-grade mini-invention contest. The historic record remains unclear as to what exactly he created; some sources indicate that he invented a “toy picker-upper” as a tribute to his fastidious mother, Spit-Spot Dot. Since the toy picker-upper was almost surely invented at some point prior, it is more likely that he entered something much sillier, a device called a “Box Car”: a collection of plastic boxes with wheels attached so that a Lego-laden first-grader could roll a bunch of little things from one place to another. On the night of the judging, Colin, unaware that he would be expected to describe his invention, was picked first to explain his invention to an assembly of adult rather scary judges, faculty, parents, and kids—forty strong. He fearlessly described his invention with pride. Certainly, this was one of the first signs of his prowess in extemporaneous speaking and quick-thinking, i.e., schmoozing.

Surfing

Colin’s parents first introduced him to the ocean on a trip to the Outer Banks of North Carolina shortly after his first birthday. Jack proudly carried his firstborn to the waves, but Colin ran away, frightened and crying. Ten minutes later, he refused to leave the surf, and a love affair with the ocean was born.

Nine years later, Colin’s cousin, Alan “Smooth Al” Viero took Colin surfing at the Jersey Shore on a vintage Rusty surfboard. Unfortunately for Dot, the surfing bug was more infectious to swimmers than pinkeye. She was regularly enlisted as the Subaru driver for Colin’s swim team field trips, packing the car full of fourteen-year-old rowdy surfer wannabes to drive to the surf shop in Haddonfield.

Driving record

Colin did not take as naturally to driving as he did to surfing. By the tender age of 24, he had triggered several airbags, spun numerous unintentional donuts, and generally was seen as a cash cow by the auto insurance industry. On one occasion, brother Sam was riding in the passenger seat while Colin was driving and speaking to him. Apparently, the conversation engaged the brothers so much that Colin felt he had to look at Sam while speaking to him. Sam saw that they were going to rear-end the car in front of them but didn’t want to interrupt his older brother. They hit the car in front of them so hard that the airbags inflated.

College/fraternity life

After graduating fourth in his class at Cinnaminson High School, Colin matriculated as an architecture major at the University of Virginia and became forever associated with the elitist institute known simply (and said in a sneering tone) as “The University.”Although his architecture major was short lived, his penchant for good times was not, so he joined the Theta Delta Chi fraternity. Although his official brotherhood nickname was “Mulligan: Let’s Try It Again,” it was shelved permanently in lieu of its more efficient and descriptive counterpart, “Bird.” The moniker was bestowed on him by Michael “Frat Dog” Munson, a jolly fat man with a drinking problem and a proficiency in nicknaming. Contrary to popular belief, “Bird” had little to nothing to do with his shocking avian resemblance during the time of its inception. Munson simply added “Bird” to the end of someone’s first initial; e.g., John would be a “J-Bird” and Mary would be an “M-Bird.” When Munson bellowed the name at Colin at a fraternity brotherhood meeting, it was only a matter of time before it had gained a tremendous grassroots following, eventually being truncated simply to “Bird.”

The ladies

His first girlfriend was unfortunately homely by some accounts, but Colin declared his undying love for her nonetheless. After their subsequent breakup, he dated a string of increasingly attractive girls. By the time his parents knocked on his dorm room door the morning of college graduation, they were somewhat surprised to see a particularly attractive hussy sharing Colin's bed. Colin continues to date extraordinarily attractive women to this day, never settling for anyone less than, in his words, “H-O-triple-T HOTTT!”

Tree hugger roots

Colin began a love affair with nature early. As a child, he fell madly in love with the woods near his house in Cinnaminson. It is unclear whether his parents did not understand or simply disapproved of the relationship, but they evidenced their feelings by cutting down the gnarly weird tree in the front yard when he was three. The toddler took the gesture personally and was reduced to tears.

Although an extraordinarily bright child, it was his failures that truly exposed his faculties. For a kindergarten project, he assembled a collection of feathers from his yard. According to his father, “It was by far the most uninteresting, weakest collection ever accumulated, but he displayed it and showed it with pride.” Clearly, he had not inherited his mother’s talent for organization and collection, but the ignorance at his lack of skills showed early evidence of his talent in hoodwinking people into believing his efforts were quality.

Colin’s inclination toward environmental activism emerged early as he quite literally fought for the earth, skirmishing with other kids over rocks and sticks he assessed as particularly valuable. Years later, after flitting through several college majors including architecture and philosophy, Colin took the initiative to design a major called “environmental thought and practice”, which incorporated his talents, environmental concerns, and abilities.

Armed with a degree, a overdose of earnestness, and a willingness to work eighteen-hour days for almost no pay, Colin accepted a job at MassPIRG. After two years as a canvas coordinator, Colin left MassPIRG to join Friends of the Earth (acronym: the hilariously ironic FOE) as a lobbyist for transit, a job that allowed him to use his prowess as a schmoozer and tree hugger to its fullest extent. His most recent success was lobbying for funding for transit include passing a bill in the House of Representatives to add $214 million to the 2007 budget for Amtrak.

Blogging

In September 2005, Colin headed FOE’s whistle-stop tour to promote funding for Amtrak; he kept a blog to document the minutiae of his trip for the thousands of people interested in maintaining federal funding of Amtrak Although the blog lay dormant for months, it was resurrected in February 2006 as “Getting There: Transportation for the Masses,” with its stated mission to “stick it to the Highway Lobby and pass smarter transportation policy in 2010.”

In early April 2006 Colin expanded his transportation tentacles further into the blogosphere by taking over as the transportation columnist for the blog DCist. Somewhere between 15,000 and 18,000 readers read his bi-weekly posts, which include local transit coverage, fake press releases, updates on the funding of the mythical “Purple Line” of the Washington (DC) Metro, rebuttals of ridiculous and poorly thought-out editorials written by DC papers, and the occasional indie-rock concert review.

After months of design, redesign, re-redesign, and failed attempts, such as “Mindful Ridicule,” “Barbed-Wire Kisses,” and “Avian Empire,” Colin launched his personal blog, “Scourge of the Swimming Pool.” The name derives from a description of his Myers-Briggs type, ENTP. For several months, its readership numbered one—who was also the editor. After widespread exposure through more successful blogs such as Poofygoo, readership nearly quadrupled.

Trivia

Colin has a scar on his chin from the time when he was eleven and his mother was holding him upside down by his legs. Dot accidentally dropped him on his head into the dishwasher. Dot currently does not find this incident to be the great source of maternal guilt that Colin thinks she feels, or should feel.

Colin’s favorite pastime, reflected in both his personal and professional life, continues to be seeing his name in print or on the interweb. He once spent several hours at a team contest convincing a New York Times reporter to feature him in her coverage of the event, while the rest of his team actually participated in the contest. He has a Google alert set to his own name.

Colin is an avid rock climber. He spends many weekends trad climbing with his rack of almost entirely active protection at Seneca Rocks, West Virginia, and the Shawanagunks in upstate New York.

At the age of sixteen Colin got a moped. He rode it fearlessly and in fact came home high as a kite one night. Despite Colin’s best efforts to be slick, his parents weren’t stupid and definitely knew.

Colin is a resident of Washington, DC, where he is a VIP member of Chief Ike’s Mambo Room.

Colin does not like to celebrate his birthday—although he does enjoy the presents.