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The Concrete Hippo
is a statue in Walsall , an industrial town in the West Midlands of
England.It was situated outside Lloyds TSB bank, and some time in the early 2000's
was moved a few 100 yards to outside of Halifax.Rumor has it its name is George though there is little
confirmation for this.No one knows who
made the Concrete Hippo, or how it got
there, some say it has been there since the dawn of time, longer
than Walsall
itself.
The Concrete Hippo is
regularly damaged by chewing gum, this is until the regular
cleaning crew that inhabits Walsall cleaned it all up and make it presentable
once again, the Concrete Hippo was known
as a regular meeting place but has been replaced by the podium, and
many memories of children raised in Walsall revolved around this iconic
feature.
The Concrete Hippo enjoyed a
short-lived musical career in the late 1950's, with hits such as
"I'm A Sex-Hippo" and "Don't You Stick Your Gum on Me" reaching as
high as number 7 in the charts.Original
copies of Concrete Hippo's EP change hands for around £50-70 at
auction.
However, the Concrete Hippo
does have a darker side, many drug deals take place
around it as it is known widely thought Walsall and surrounding areas, it is known to
have traces of heroin and
ketamine on its
rump.Unconfirmed reports suggest that
fables of
the Concrete Hippo in Walsall have spread as far as Fiji,
it is said to have magic powers and to come alive at night to
frolic about the streets of Walsall, entertaining it's many tramps and
vagrants.
Since the decline of his career, the
Concrete Hippo has become addicted to prescription
Dexedrine and been convicted of several counts of rape.
The Concrete Hippo
has also enjoyed a short lived fame as a minor Spanish
celebrity, appearing in programs such as 'mi tonto del mono' and'
Tom es una cabeza estúpida 'However was kicked from these shows
after sordid relationships with costar the concrete cow, and
performing acts of sexual depravity on webcam to other cast
members, it is also rumored that he indulged in a relationship with
Christy Carlson Romano early on in her career.
Many of the
Hippo's achievements go widely unnoticed by his fan base, but it is
widely accepted that he was the driving force behind Marilyn Monroe's career
from 1956 to the end of her life, he was also present at her
wedding as Joe
DiMaggio's Best Man.
From the back of this short lived fame
the Concrete Hippo produced a range of
limited appeal sneakers, featuring images of what he considered to
be civilizations greats, such as Himmler and Attila the Hun, at a later date a collection
of specialist sneakers
were released featuring pictures of the hippo in sexually
suggestive poses.Also a vast array of
photoshopped images of the hippo are available widely on the
internet, posing with men, shemales and dogs.
In 2004, the Concrete Hippo
had a one-off performance in an episode of
Will and
Grace playing the part of Jack's long lost cousin who comes to
town on an annual KKK
event.Upon dropping by Jack's apartment,
the Hippo discovers Jack's homosexuality, with hilarious
consequences.
More recently the Concrete Hippo
has preformed in a number of venues around the
Walsall area, with acts
such as intrusion and introvenus accompanying him, with a special
guest appearances from the differences (now
disbanded).These concerts were not well
publicized but tickets changed hands on auction websites for in
excess of £25,584, it is rumored that with the profits from these
performances the Concrete Hippo is
currently indulging in a rock life style, similar to that of
Anthony Kiedis.
The Location of the Concrete
Hippos mother and father is unknown, it is thought that
a number of siblings were planned but a Columbian drug lord stopped
there conception by making a new line of tarmac hippos,
which proved unpopular and incited the great Tarmac Hippo
burning of 1885, articles on this can be found in Mesoamerican
pyramids it is unknown how this information was documented many
years before the event itself, it is theorized that
the Concrete Hippo is actually a
prophet, and is also
known as Nostradamus in some circles.The Moai of
Easter
Island are also thought to be in some way connected to
the Concrete Hippo but it is unsure
how.
The Concrete Hippo was the first
ever official member of the British Fire Service or as it was then
known, "Philip's Magic Band of Wankers", it was the Hippo's idea to
change its name to the "Fire Service", which was voted to be a much
more appropriate name.
Without a doubt, the Hippo's greatest and
most well-known achievement is the company he founded in 1932, a
company designing and manufacturing a highly successful line of
smoking paraphernalia and lighter fuel.He named his company Zippo to fit in with the company's mascot "The Zippo
Hippo" (played by himself), who represented the company until 1947
when it was banned by hippies.Zippos are
available in all shapes, sizes and designs, the most famous Zippo
ever created is "Zippo No.1", carrying a flame on it's side,
representing life in Egyptian mysticism (one of the Hippo's many
interests), and bearing the curious inscription "L A V", many have
pondered upon the message's meaning, but no one has yet been able
to decode it.
Recently, there has been much speculation about
the Hippo's sexuality, but he himself refuses to answer questions
about it, stating (much like Kevin Spacey) that it shouldn't matter what his
orientation may be.However he has been
seen visiting a variety of known dogging sites.
The Concrete Hippo
is thought to be so extreme that he never sleeps, eats,
or even has any need for active thought process because his mind is
so far advanced beyond that of a humans.An inch under his concrete hide he is said to be made
from a mixture of alien alloys, chocolate cake and ice cream, these
reports are unconfirmed however the ice cream is said to be rum and
raisin in flavour.
In a previously undocumented area of the
Concrete Hippos life he is said to been an assassin for
the government of Uzbekistan, killing high profile celebrities that
visit the Walsall area
by posing as a simple statue but quickly striking and infecting the
celebrity with the malicious hippodeptheriamalatosisopia
which can make a person age at a normal rate, and eventually
die.This is now illegal under the Geneva
Convention as it is classed as cruel and unusual.
Although no
military action has
ever been taken against the Concrete Hippo
it has been threatened with the full military might of the United States,
Great
Britain and Armenia.Action was not
taken because the governments speculated that China, Russia and Spain would oppose such action and a world war may
ensue.
The Concrete Hippo holds the
title of 'sexiest concrete mammal who is a public sculpture and
lives in the west midlands and resembles a hippo in some way' he
has held this title for 6 consecutive years, however competition
from the Concrete Hippopotomassssssssassass will make the
competition more fierce than even before.
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