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"Conjoined Fetus Lady"
South Park episode
2051.jpg
Nurse Gollum and her sibling
Episode no. Season 2
Episode 5
Written by Trey Parker
Matt Stone
David Goodman
Directed by Trey Parker
Production no. 205
Original airdate June 3, 1998
Episode chronology
← Previous Next →
"Ike's Wee Wee" "The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka"
List of South Park episodes

"Conjoined Fetus Lady" is the 18th episode of Comedy Central's animated series South Park. It originally aired on June 3, 1998.

Plot

After being made fun of by the boys, Pip, for once, shows his anger and hits Kyle Broflovski with a ball during dodgeball. Kyle is sent to Nurse Gollum, the South Park Elementary nurse. Kyle is horrified to discover, however, that she has a dead fetus attached to her head, due to a condition called "Conjoined Twin Myslexia" (which is fictional but similar to a parasitic twin). Kyle tells the others. Upon hearing about this and the boys making fun of her, Kyle's mom Sheila sits the boys down and informs them about Nurse Gollum's condition: when a set of twins forms in the womb but one dies. She tells them that sometimes the dead twin is inside the live one, (a real disorder called fetus in fetu) so each one of the boys might actually have a dead twin that they don't know about. This horrifies the children, including Stan who runs home and attempts to split his head open with an icepick, saying "I have to get it out". An irate Sharon Marsh calls Sheila on the phone, questions her and tells her angrily "next time you want to scare the hell out of my child, just go and sit in the road until a truck runs you over instead." Sheila, who, in order to remedy the unawareness apparent in people of Conjoined Twin Myslexia, decides to help the woman, and winds up causing a "Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week" declared in South Park for its sole sufferer.

Meanwhile, the school dodgeball team becomes eligible for competitions, and goes on to fight the State Competition in Denver. In the match, Denver is expected to win because they always beat South Park. South Park ends up winning because Pip, the British exchange student, becomes filled with rage whenever kids incorrectly call him "French", giving him the strength to take down the other team. The team takes advantage of this anger as a result. In the National competition, the Washington, D.C. team forfeits because of their fear of the inevitable international opponent, China (who are brutal and merciless at dodgeball). In China, South Park discovers the Chinese kids to be unstoppable, and the team is crushed (in Kenny's case, literally) until only Pip remains.

Pip, however, manages to win when Kevin tricks the Chinese into calling him French; he single-handedly annihilates the entire Chinese team with one throw, but by this point everyone has decided they don't want to play dodgeball anyway and he gets no credit for it. Back home, the townspeople have donned hats that make them appear to have fetuses on their heads and also read "Go Cows" (the dodgeball team), held a parade for Nurse Gollum, and videotaped her constantly. She angrily declares that she does not want any extra attention or special treatment, and that by doing so they make her feel singled out. She says she only wants to be harassed and ridiculed just like everybody else in the town and storms away. Principal Victoria and Sheila decide that she is an ungrateful bitch, but the kids begin to question if the fetus actually makes her smarter.

External links


Quotes

Up to date as of January 14, 2010
(Redirected to South Park article)

From Wikiquote

South Park is an animated series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central since 1997, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.

Contents

Season 1 Season 2 Season 3 Season 4 Season 5
(1.01) Cartman Gets an Anal Probe (2.01) Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus (3.01) Rainforest Schmainforest (4.01) The Tooth Fairy Tats 2000 (5.01) It Hits the Fan
(1.02) Weight Gain 4000 (2.02) Cartman's Mom Is Still a Dirty Slut (3.02) Spontaneous Combustion (4.02) Cartman's Silly Hate Crime (5.02) Cripple Fight
(1.03) Volcano (2.03) Chickenlover (3.03) The Succubus (4.03) Timmy 2000 (5.03) Super Best Friends
(1.04) Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride (2.04) Ike's Wee Wee (3.04) Tweek vs. Craig (4.04) Quintuplets 2000 (5.04) Scott Tenorman Must Die
(1.05) An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig (2.05) Conjoined Fetus Lady (3.05) Jakovasaurs (4.05) Cartman Joins NAMBLA (5.05) Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow
(1.06) Death (2.06) The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka (3.06) Sexual Harassment Panda (4.06) Cherokee Hair Tampons (5.06) Cartmanland
(1.07) Pink Eye (2.07) City on the Edge of Forever (3.07) Cat Orgy (4.07) Chef Goes Nanners (5.07) Proper Condom Use
(1.08) Starvin' Marvin (2.08) Summer Sucks (3.08) Two Guys Naked in a Hot Tub (4.08) Something You Can Do With Your Finger (5.08) Towlie
(1.09) Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo (2.09) Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls (3.09) Jewbilee (4.09) Do the Handicapped Go to Hell? (5.09) Osama Bin Laden Has Farty Pants
(1.10) Damien (2.10) Chicken Pox (3.10) Korn's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery (4.10) Probably (5.10) How to Eat with Your Butt
(1.11) Tom's Rhinoplasty (2.11) Roger Ebert Should Lay Off the Fatty Foods (3.11) Chinpokomon (4.11) 4th Grade (5.11) The Entity
(1.12) Mecha-Streisand (2.12) Clubhouses (3.12) Hooked on Monkey Phonics (4.12) Trapper Keeper (5.12) Here Comes the Neighborhood
(1.13) Cartman's Mom Is a Dirty Slut (2.13) Cow Days (3.13) Starvin' Marvin in Space (4.13) Helen Keller! The Musical (5.13) Kenny Dies
(2.14) Chef Aid (3.14) The Red Badge of Gayness (4.14) Pip (5.14) Butters' Very Own Episode
(2.15) Spookyfish (3.15) Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics (4.15) Fat Camp
(2.16) Merry Christmas Charlie Manson! (3.16) Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus (4.16) Wacky Molestation Adventure
(2.17) Gnomes (3.17) World Wide Recorder Concert (4.17) A Very Crappy Christmas
(2.18) Prehistoric Ice Man
Season 6 Season 7 Season 8 Season 9 Season 10
(6.01) Jared Has Aides (7.01) Cancelled (8.01) Good Times with Weapons (9.01) Mr. Garrison's Fancy New Vagina (10.01) The Return of Chef
(6.02) Asspen (7.02) Krazy Kripples (8.02) Up the Down Steroid (9.02) Die Hippie, Die (10.02) Smug Alert!
(6.03) Freak Strike (7.03) Toliet Paper (8.03) The Passion of the Jew (9.03) Wing (10.03) Cartoon Wars Part I
(6.04) The New Terrance and Phillip Movie Trailer (7.04) I'm a Little Bit Country (8.04) You Got F'd in the A (9.04) Best Friends Forever (10.04) Cartoon Wars Part II
(6.05) Fun with Veal (7.05) Fat Butt and Pancake Head (8.05) AWESOM-O (9.05) The Losing Edge (10.05) A Million Little Fibers
(6.06) Professor Chaos (7.06) Lil' Crime Stoppers (8.06) The Jeffersons (9.06) The Death of Eric Cartman (10.06) ManBearPig
(6.07) Simpsons Already Did It (7.07) Red Man's Greed (8.07) Goobacks (9.07) Erection Day (10.07) Tsst
(6.08) Red Hot Catholic Love (7.08) South Park Is Gay! (8.08) Douche and Turd (9.08) Two Days Before the Day After Tomorrow (10.08) Make Love, Not Warcraft
(6.09) Free Hat (7.09) Christian Rock Hard (8.09) Something Wall-Mart This Way Comes (9.09) Marjorine (10.09) Mystery of the Urinal Deuce
(6.10) Bebe's Boobs Destroy Society (7.10) Grey Dawn (8.10) Pre-School (9.10) Follow that Egg! (10.10) Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy
(6.11) Child Abduction Is Not Funny (7.11) Casa Bonita (8.11) Quest for Ratings (9.11) Ginger Kids (10.11) Hell on Earth 2006
(6.12) A Ladder to Heaven (7.12) All About the Mormons? (8.12) Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset (9.12) Trapped in the Closet (10.12) Go God Go
(6.13) The Return of the Fellowship of the Ring to the Two Towers (7.13) Butt Out (8.13) Cartman's Incredible Gift (9.13) Free Willzyx (10.13) Go God Go XII
(6.14) The Death Camp of Tolerance (7.14) Raisins (8.14) Woodland Critter Christmas (9.14) Bloody Mary (10.14) Stanley's Cup
(6.15) The Biggest Douche in the Universe (7.15) It's Christmas in Canada
(6.16) My Future Self n' Me
(6.17) Red Sleigh Down
Season 11 Season 12 Season 13 Specials
(11.01) With Apologies to Jesse Jackson (12.01) Tonsil Trouble (13.01) The Ring
(11.02) Cartman Sucks (12.02) Britney's New Look (13.02) The Coon
(11.03) Lice Capades (12.03) Major Boobage (13.03) Margaritaville Movies
(11.04) The Snuke (12.04) Canada on Strike (13.04) Eat, Pray, Queef South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut
(11.05) Fantastic Easter Special (12.05) Eek, A Penis! (13.05) Fishsticks Early Shorts
(11.06) D-Yikes! (12.06) Over Logging (13.06) Pinewood Derby The Spirit of Christmas (Jesus vs. Frosty)
(11.07) Night of the Living Homeless (12.07) Super Fun Time (13.07) Fatbeard The Spirit of Christmas (Jesus vs. Santa)
(11.08) Le Petit Tourette (12.08) The China Probrem (13.08) Dead Celebrities
(11.09) More Crap (12.09) Breast Cancer Show Ever (13.09) Butters' Bottom Bitch
(11.10) Imaginationland (12.10) Pandemic (13.10) W.T.F.
(11.11) Imaginationland Episode II (12.11) Pandemic 2: The Startling (13.11) Whale Whores
(11.12) Imaginationland Episode III (12.12) About Last Night... (13.12) The F Word
(11.13) Guitar Queer-o (12.13) Elementary School Musical (13.13) Dances With Smurfs
(11.14) The List (12.14) The Ungroundable (13.14) Pee

Early shorts/Pilot episodes

The Spirit of Christmas (Jesus vs. Frosty)

Stan?: Dude!
Kyle?: What?
Stan?: Don't put the magic hat on the snowman.
Kyle?: Why?
Stan?: 'Cause if you do, he's gonna come to life.
Kyle?: Cool!
Stan?: No, it's not cool! My sister, in-in Minnesota, put a hat on a snowman and it tried to kill her!
Kyle?: F*** him, let's do it anyway!

Kyle?: Oh my God! Frosty killed Kenny!
Stan?: Dude, I told you not to put that f***ing hat on Frosty's f***ing head, now, didn't I!
Kyle?: Well I'm sorry, Mr. Rocket-f***ing-scientist! What are we supposed to do now?!

Kyle?: (After running from Frosty) Uh, you know something, I don't think that was the real Santa Claus.
Stan?: Oh, no s***, Sherlock! Now what are we gonna do?

The Spirit of Christmas (Jesus vs. Santa)

Kyle: Don't you oppress me, fat boy!
Cartman: Don't call me fat, butt fucker!
Kyle: Then don't belittle my people, you fucking fat-ass!
Cartman: Goddammit, don't call me fat, you butt-f**ing son of a B*tch!!

Jesus: Behold my glory.
Stan: Holy s***, it's Jesus!
Cartman: What are you doing in South Park, Jesus?
Jesus: I come seeking retribution.
Stan: [gasps] He's come to kill you 'cause you're Jewish, Kyle!
Kyle: Oh, f***! I'm sorry, Jesus! Don't kill me!
Jesus: Nay, fear not. I love all my children.
Kyle: Whew.
Jesus: Tomorrow is my birthday, yet all is not right.
Stan: Your birthday is on Christmas? That sucks, dude!
Jesus: I must find a place called the mall.
Kyle: Well, we can take you to the mall, Jesus.
Stan: Yeah! It's over this way!
Cartman: Goddammit, you stepped on my foot, you pig-f***er!
Stan: Dude! Don't say pig-f***er in front of Jesus!
Cartman: Ah, f*** you!

Stan: Here we are Jesus, South Park mall. Who are you looking for?
Jesus: HIM!!
Santa: Ho ho ho ho! We meet again Jesus!
Jesus: You have blemished the meaning of Christmas for the last time Kringle!
Santa: I bring happiness to Children all over the world!
Jesus: Christmas is for celebrating my birth!
Santa: Christmas is for giving!
Jesus: I'm here to put an end to your blasphemy!
Santa: This time we finish it! There can be only one!
Stan: Dude this is pretty f***ed up over here.

Jesus: Boys, help me put an end to him once and for all.
Santa: No, boys, help me. So that I can put an end to him.
Jesus: God is watching you boys. You know who to help.
Santa: Stan, remember the choo-choo when you were three?
Jesus: I died for your sins, boys. Don't forget that.
Stan: I don't know what to do, dude! Who should we help?
Cartman: I say we help Santa Claus.
Kyle: Aw, you're just saying that because he brings you candy.
Cartman: Hey! I don't need to take that kinda s*** from a Jew!
Kyle: You're such a fat fuck, Cartman, that when you walk down the street, people go "God Dammit, that is a big fat fuck!"

Cartman: OH, Yeah?! Well, listen here!

Kyle: SHUT UP!

Kyle:We actually met, we actually spoke with, the Brian Boitano!

Stan: Yeah, and you know, I think learned something today. It doesn't matter if you're Christian or Jewish or Atheist or Hindu. Christmas, still, is about one very important thing--
Cartman: Yeah, ham.
Stan: No, not ham, you fat fuck!
Cartman: Fuck you!
Stan: Christmas is about something much more important.
Kyle: What?
Stan: Presents.
Kyle: Ah.
Stan: Don't you see, Kyle?
Kyle: Yeah.
Stan: Presents.
Kyle: Hey man, if you're Jewish, you get presents for eight days!
Stan: Wow, really?! Count me in!
Cartman: Yeah, I'll be a Jew too!

Season 1

Cartman Gets an Anal Probe (1.01)

Chef: [gets out of his car] Hello there, children!
Boys: Hey, Chef!
Stan: What's gonna be for lunch today, Chef?
Chef: Well, today, it's Salisbury steak with buttered noodles, and a choice of green-bean casserole or Vegetable Medley.
Cartman: Kick ass.

Stan: Yeah, whatever, you fat bitch.
Ms. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Stan: I said I have a bad itch.
Ms. Crabtree: Oh.

Kyle: Dude, I have to save Ike! I don't even know what to do!
Stan: Well, we can't do anything now; that fat bitch won't let us!
Ms. Crabtree: [shouts] WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Stan: I said, "Rabbits eat lettuce."
Ms. Crabtree: Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do.

Cartman: [singing] Stan wants to kiss Wendy Testaburger.
Stan: Shut up, fat ass! I don't even like her!
Cartman: I'm not fat, and you obviously like her, because you throw up every time she talks to you.
Stan: I do not!

[after seeing a crop circle on the news that looks just like him]
Cartman: Hey, that kind of looks like...Tom Selleck.

Kyle: Ike! Go home!
Cartman: Yeah, get away from me, you freaking dildo!
Kyle: Dude! Don't call my brother a dildo!
Stan: What's a dildo?

Kyle: [speaking to aliens] V-visitors? This morning you took my brother, Ike. [sad, dramatice music begins playing] He's a little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away, but I've learned something today: That having a little brother is a pretty special thing. Aw, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have to give my brother back to me...[starts silently crying]...it sure would make my life brighter again. [turns back to aliens]
Stan: That was beautiful, dude.
Kyle: Did it work?
Stan: No. They're leaving.
Kyle: Hey, you scrawny-ass shit! What the fuck is wrong with you, hmm?! You must be some kind of fuckin' asshole to be able to ignore a crying child!
Stan: Whoa, dude!
Kyle: You know what you fuckers like?! You like to !@#$% and !@#$% and !@#$% and !@#$% and !@#$% and !@#$%!
Stan: Hey Wendy, what's a "!@#$%?"

Weight Gain 4000 (1.2)

Cartman: Follow your dreams, you can reach your goals, I'm living proof! Beefcake! Beefcake!

Cartman: If dolphins are so smart, why do they get caught in those fishing nets all the time?

Kyle: Cartman, you're such a fat ass that when you walk down the street, people go "Goddammit, that's a big fat ass!"
Cartman: No they don't, you jealous weakling!
Man: God damn, that's a big fat ass!

Cartman: If dolphins are so smart, why do they live in igloos?
Kyle: Dolphins don't live in igloos! Those are Eskimos, idiot!
Cartman: Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares? It's all a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap anyway!

Stan: Dude, dolphins are intelligent and friendly.
Cartman: Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise!

Stan: Cartman doesn't know a rainforest from a Pop-Tart!
Cartman: Yeah, I do! Pop-Tarts are frosted!

Volcano (1.3)

Ned: I don't think kids drink beer.
Uncle Jimbo: Look out, kid! That's dangerous! You're gonna spill your beer!

Stan: Uncle Jimbo says that after this he's taking me to Africa.
Cartman: My mom says there are lots of black people in Africa.

Stan: I don't want to shoot the bunny.
Uncle Jimbo: No nephew of mine is gonna be a tree-hugger!
Cartman: Yeah, hippie! Go back to Woodstock if you don't want to shoot anything!

Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride [1.4]

Mr. Garrison: Gay people? Gay people are evil, right down to their cold black hearts which pump not blood like yours or mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?

An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig [1.5]

Mrs. Crabtree: Wait a minute! What's that thing?! [referring to the elephant]
Kyle: The new retarded kid.
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh. I'm sorry, little girl, but you still can't get on. You have to take the Special Ed bus.

Cartman: I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I'd be like "Hey, get your bitch-ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!"

Kyle: Stan, you can use family love as a weapon against Shelley. The next time she's gonna kick your ass, just tell her "Shelley, you're my sister and I love you."
Kenny: And I want to see you handling your breasts.
Stan: Sick, dude, she's my sister!

Cartman: If some girl tried to kick my ass, I'd be like "Hey! Why don't you stop dressing me up like a mailman and making me dance for you, while you go and smoke crack in your bedroom and have sex with some guy I don't even know on my dad's bed?"
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, is all.

News broadcaster: It appears that the horrible, destructive creature is actually 8-year-old Stan Marsh of South Park. When asked why he was wreaking such havoc on his hometown, the little boy replied, "Me Stan, bachump, ba-chewy-chump, ba-chewy-chump." Back to you in the studio.

Death [1.6]

Randy: How does it feel to be 102, Grampa?
Grampa: Kill me!

Mrs. Cartman: Eric, I just got a call from your friend Kyle's mother. She said that this show is naughty and might make you a potty-mouth.
Cartman: That's a load of crap. Kyle's mom is a dirty Jew!

Cartman: I would never kill somebody. Unless they pissed me off.

Stan: Jesus, is it okay to kill somebody if they ask you to? Because they're in a lot of pain, you know, like assisted suicide?
[pause]
Jesus: My son, I wouldn't touch that with a sixty-foot pole.
Stan: (hangs up) Goddammit!
Jesus: I heard that!

Announcer: We interrupt this program to bring you loud static.

Protester: Look, it's the president of the network!
President: Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is John Horsoff. I have prepared a speech on behalf of the network. "Fuck you!"
[pause]
President: Thank you ladies and gentlemen. If there are any questions, you may direct them to that brick wall over there.

Enya-style music: Take a look, take a look, take a look above the sky! Come and fly, take a ride--
Stan: This music is terrible! It's cheesy but lame, and eerily soothing at the same time!
Grampa: Now you know what's it's like to be old!

Pink Eye [1.7]

Coroner: You know, I think death is least funny when it happens to a child.

[Coroner #2 puts Worcestershire sauce on a hot dog]
Coroner #1: Marty, do you have to put that stuff on everything?
Coroner #2: I don't know, it just--it just makes everything taste so English.

Kyle: Cartman, what kind of costume is that?
Cartman: It's an Adolf Hitler costume. Sieg heil! Sieg heil!

Cartman: What are you supposed to be, Stan, Howdy Doody?
Stan: No, I'm Raggedy Andy, fatass!
Cartman: Oh, heh, wow, you you look pretty cool. (he laughs along with Kyle)
Kyle: Sissy.
Stan: I'll kick your ass, Kyle!
Cartman: Oh, look out! Holly Hobbie's all pissed off!

Cartman: Kenny's family is so poor that yesterday they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage!

Cartman: I'm not the one walking around all day like Pippi Longstocking.
Stan: Well, at least my mom isn't on the cover of Crack Whore magazine.

Cartman: Too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, otherwise Kenny's dad would be a millionaire.
Kenny: [oblivious to Cartman's statement]
Cartman: I said it's too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, or else Kenny's dad would be a millionaire!
Kenny: [oblivious]
Cartman: [exasperated] Y-your family is poor, Kenny! Your family's poor!

Officer Barbrady: You're probably wondering why we're standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.
Chef: Actually—-
Mayor: Well I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese Mafia.
Officer Barbrady: Not a thingy-dingy.

Cartman: Go back to Endor, you stupid Wookiee!
Kyle: Wookiees don't live on Endor.

Cartman: [daydreaming while watching a video, imagining himself to be Adolf Hitler] You gotta respect my authora-tah!

Chef: [talking to Cartman who's dressed like a KKKlansman] Remind me to whoop your ass good next time I see you.

Chef: [imitating Michael Jackson's Thriller video clip] I'm gonna make love, even when I'm dead. My body might get cold, but it's always hot in bed! Make love, don't you be afraid! Just because my heart ain't beating, doesn't mean you won't get laid!

Damien [1.8]

Stan: If my mom could cook like Cartman's mom I'd be a big fatass too!
Cartman: That's right!
[Cartman realizes he's been insulted]
Cartman: AY!

Cartman: Oh, really? Gosh, where could I have put Pip's invitation? Oh, yeah, now I remember! I shoved it up my ass! Yeah, I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and, whoops, shoved it up my ass, pop, forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my party.
Pip: Ohh.

Damien: Everybody hates me.
Mr. Mackey: Why do you suppose that is?
Damien: Because I'm the son of the Devil.
Mr. Mackey: Mm'kay, that's a good start. Why else?
Damien: Because I burn and kill them?

Damien: The new reign of my father!
Mr. Garrison: Who's your father?
Damien: The Prince of Darkness!
Mr. Garrison: Wow, we have royalty in our class!

Cartman: Ants in the Pants? Ants in the Pants?!
Kyle: It's a game, dude. It's really fun.
Cartman: You son-of-a-bitch! [jumps on Kyle, hysterical] You were supposed to get me the red Mega Man! Now I can't make Ultra-Mega Mega Man, you dirty, cheap-ass piece of crap!
Kyle: They were all out of them, dude!
Cartman: I hate you! I want you to die! DIE!!
Kyle: [at the same time as Cartman] Aaaaaaaah!!

Mr. Garrison: And where are you from, Damien?
Damien: The seventh level of hell!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, that's exciting, my mother was from Alabama.

Pip: Hello there. I'm Phillip, but evryone calls me Pip, because they hate me.
Damien: I shall call you Pip then.
Pip: Right-o.

Starvin' Marvin [1.9]

Cartman: No, Starvin' Marvin, that's my pot pie!
Stan: Cartman, you butt pipe! This is the time of year you're supposed to share!
Cartman: Oh yeah! Are you gonna eat all of your peach cobbler, Starvin' Marvin? Aw, you don't want all that, why don't you share it with me, neh? Neh, neh, neh?

Cartman: Mr. Garrison, why do poor people smell like sour milk?
Mr. Garrison: I don't know, Eric, they just do.
[Kyle sniffs Kenny in disgust]

Stan: You know, I think I've learned something today. It's really easy not to think of images on TV as real people, but they are. That's why it's easy to ignore those commercials but people on TV are as real as you or I.
Kyle: That means that MacGyver is a real person, too!

Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo [1.10]

Mr. Hankey: How-dy-ho!

Mr. Garrison: The new law states, can't sing any songs having to Jesus or Santa Claus.
Cartman: [blaming Kyle] Thanks to Kyle's mother.
Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!
Mr. Garrison: So anybody knows any non-Santa or non-Jesus, Christmas song.
[Cartman raises his hand]
Mr. Garrison: Yes, Eric?
Cartman: How about to sing, Kyle's mom is a stupid bitch in D minor.
Kyle: I told you, not to call my mom a bitch, Cartman.

Tom's Rhinoplasty [1.11]

Mr. Garrison: I feel kinda nauseous.
Tom: Yes, that's to be expected. We did some major reconstruction, sawed through some bone, snapped some cartilage, all the blood and mucus just the sound of bone and sinew coming apart. [makes disgusting noises of bone and blood]
Mr. Garrison: Arrgh!
Tom: By the way, did you ever see that movie Contact?
Mr. Garrison: [throws up] Stop! That movie was terrible!
Tom: I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison. Why don't you get some rest and I'll check on you a little later.
Mr. Garrison: Sat through that entire movie to see the alien and it was her goddamn father!

Mr. Garrison: I'm going to do what I've always wanted to do: hang out and screw hot chicks!

Wendy: Stan, we're still Valentines, right?
Stan: Sure, Wendy, whatever.

Wendy: Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?
Ms. Ellen: Of course, Wendy.
Wendy: I couldn't help but notice you've taken a liking to my boyfriend Stan.
Ms. Ellen: Well, I've taken a liking to all of you. You're all so young and cute and full of life...
Wendy: Can I tell you something, Ms. Ellen?
Ms. Ellen: Of course, Wendy.
Wendy: [flips her off] Don't fuck with me!
Ms. Ellen: What?!
Wendy: You heard me! Stay away from my man, bitch or I'll whoop your sorry ho-ass back to last year!...[sweetly] Bye, Ms. Ellen!

Mecha-Streisand [1.12]

Barbra Streisand: You know who I am?
Officer Barbrady: Well you ain't Fiona Apple, and if you ain't Fiona Apple I don't give a rat's ass!
Barbra Streisand: [screams in anger]
Officer Barbrady: Whoa, what a bitch!

Stan: Wow, Robert Smith is the greatest person who ever lived!
Jesus: Our savior!

Kyle: Well, that whole experience sure sucked.
Stan: Yeah, I'm sure glad it's over.
Kyle: But you know, I've learned something today. I've learned that people who want power, a lot of power, always end up dead.
Cartman: Yeah, and I've learned something too. Robert Smith kicks ass!

Cartman's Mom Is a Dirty Slut [1.13]

Cartman: Mom, can I ask you a question?
Mrs. Cartman: Sure, hun.
Cartman: You know how my friend Stan has, like, a dad?
Mrs. Cartman: Uh-huh.
Cartman: And my friend Kyle has a dad and my friend Kenny has a dad?
Mrs. Cartman: Yes?
[long pause]
Mrs. Cartman: Well, what's your question, hun?
Cartman: Goddammit, do I have a dad?!
Mrs. Cartman: Oh!
Cartman: I wanna know where I came from.
Mrs. Cartman: Oh. Hmm. Well, you see, Eric, sometimes when a man and a woman are attracted to each other, they want to be close to each other.
Cartman: Uh-huh...
Mrs. Cartman: And sometimes the man puts his hoo-hoo dilly in the woman's cha-cha.
[long pause]
Cartman: So who put his hoo-hoo dilly in your cha-cha?

Mrs. Crabtree: COME ON! WE'RE RUNNING LATE!
Stan: We're not gettin on, you fat ugly bitch!
Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Stan: I said "We're not gettin on , you fat ugly bitch."
Mrs. Crabtree: (calmly) Oh. Alright then [drives off]
Kyle: Whoa, dude!
Stan: I always wondered if that would work.

Chief Running Water: I knew that she wanted me because she kept saying romantic things.
Mrs. Cartman: "Oh Chief, I want your hot man-chowder."
Chief Running Water: Whoah, Hell-o!

Cartman: More tea, Rumpertumskin?
Rumpertumskin: Yes, please, Eric. You are tough and handsome.
Cartman: Thank you, Rumpertumskin. And what do you think about me, Clyde Frog?
Clyde Frog: I think you're a big fat piece of crap.
Cartman: AY!!

Chief Running Water: I hate to break this to you, but your mother is what we Native Americans call "bear with wi-i-i-i-i-i-de canyon."
Cartman: Huh?
Chief Running Water: She is doe who cannot keep legs together.
Cartman: What?
Chief Running Water: Your mom's a slut.
Cartman: Hey!

Cartman: I was just hanging out in the SPC, kicking it with some homies on the Westsa-eed-eh.
Kyle: Cartman, you live on the east side!

Season 2

Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus [2.1]

[Terrance farts]
Phillip: Terrance, you farted in court!
Terrance: Yes Phillip, I'm making a case for our defense!

Scott: Terrance, you may be a famous surgeon, but you're not God!
Terrance: Would you like a monkey claw, Phillip?
Phillip: Yes please. [Terrance farts]
Terrance: That's called the Monkey Claw because it feels like my colon is being ripped apart by a thousand monkeys!
Phillip: The Monkey Claw was smelly.

Terrance: Scott really hates us, Phillip.
Phillip: Yes, perhaps he's homophobic.
Terrance: But we're not gay, Phillip.
Phillip: We're not?

Scott: I hate you more than ever, Terrance and Phillip! I absolutely abhor you both! [starts waving his arms in front of them; pause]
Phillip: What are you doing, Scott?
Scott: I'm wishing cancer upon you!
Phillip: Cancer?
Scott: That's right! I'm trying to give you cancer with my mind!
Terrance: [hides behind Phillip] Ah! Stop that!
Phillip: Don't give me cancer!

Scott: I hate you both and I wish you had cancer!
Phillip: Cancer?
Scott: Yes, in the head.
Terrance: Head cancer? No, we beg you!

Scott: What are you two idiots doing?
Terrance: We're searching for treasure!
Scott: Is that some kind of metaphor for a kind of sex that can't be described?
Phillip: No, we're searching for treasure!

Cartman's Mom Is Still a Dirty Slut [2.2]

[Kenny appears out of nowhere]
Stan: [blankly, as though Kenny hadn't appeared out of thin air] Oh, hey Kenny.

Kenny: Oh my God! They killed Mephisto!
Kyle: You bastards!

Mayor: Officer Barbrady, let's pretend for one second that we had a competent law enforcement officer in this town. What would he do?

Nurse: When was the fetus conceived?
Mrs. Cartman: Eight years ago.
Nurse: So that would make the fetus--
Mrs. Cartman: Eight years old.
Nurse: That places you in what we call the fortieth trimester.

Doctor: Team A will consist of myself, Eric, Stan, Kyle and Nurse Goodly. Team B will consist of Kenny.

Uncle Jimbo: We'll give it until another hour, then... we might have to eat again.
Film Producer: Good Christ! Are you people diabetic or what?!

Chickenlover [2.3]

[Officer Barbrady, who is at the time illiterate, finds a note saying "another chicken gets it tomorrow." He is then asked what it says]
Officer Barbarady: Oh, it says "sorry I had sex with the chicken! I won't do it again, bye-bye!" Well, there you have it, case closed!

Officer Barbrady: Yes, at first I was happy to be learning how to read. It seemed exciting and magical, but then I read this: Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I read every last word, and because of this shit, I am never reading again.

Cartman: For my book report, I read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. It was very, very good. Have you read it, Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: No, I can't say I have.
Cartman: In The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, a bunch of hippies walk around and paint stuff. They eat lunch, and then they find a magical camel, which they have to eat to stay alive. And that's pretty much it. I give it a B-minus.
Mr Garriosn: And I give you an F, Eric. Now sit down!

Mayor: The chicken-fucker struck again last night.
Officer Barbrady: Please Mayor, when we're around children we prefer to call him the "chicken-lover."
Mayor's assistant: This time he made love to Carla Weathers' prize chicken. She's catatonic.

Randy Marsh: Uh yes, officer?
Cartman: I clocked you at 40 mph back there. Do you know what the speed limit is heyah?
Randy Marsh: Well, according to that sign right there, it's 40 mph.
Cartman: Step out of the car, please, sir.
Randy Marsh: Wait a second. Aren't you Stan's little friend?
Cartman: Step out of the car, please.
Randy Marsh: Yeah. You're the one who always plugs up the toilet at our house.
Cartman: Ay! I am a cop, and you will respect my authoritah!

Ike's Wee Wee [2.4]

Stan: Boo!
Mr. Mackey: Who was that? That is not appropriate behavior, m'kay?
Stan: [imitating Mr. Mackey's voice] I'm sorry Mr Mackey, m'kay.
Mr. Mackey: That's okay. Just don't let it happen again, m'kay.
Kyle: [imitating Mr. Mackey's voice] We won't let it happen again Mr Mackey, m'kay.
[the boys laugh]
Mr. Mackey: I don't need to take your right-wing authoritative bullshit, m'kay?

Dr. Schwartz: We're not going to cut it off! We're just going to snip it to make it bigger!

Kyle: You know, I've learned something today. Family isn't about whose blood you have, it's about who you care about. And that's why I feel like you guys are more than just friends. You're my family. Except for Cartman.
Stan: Naturally.
Cartman: Screw you guys! I don't wanna be in your crazy penis-chopping family!

Woman: [after seeing Ike] Oh look honey, someone threw away a perfectly good trash can.

Conjoined Fetus Lady [2.5]

(Stan's mother, Sharon, is speaking to Kyle's mother, Sheila, on the phone. In the background, Stan runs around screaming, wielding an icepick.):
Sharon Marsh: Sheila, I was just wondering if you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an icepick?
Stan: (screaming) NOOOOOO!!!! I HAVE TO GET IT OUT!

Cartman: My mom says there are lots of black people in China.

Cartman: I love you guys.
[Stan and Kyle stare at him]
Cartman: Ah, screw you guys!

Nurse Gollum: Well, this may sound odd coming from a woman with a fetus sticking out of her head, but you're all a bunch of freaks.

Gerald Broflovski: Could you please pass the dead fetus--I mean gravy?

Chinese Announcer: It's number... aw, who cares. Arr Americans rook da same.

City on the Edge of Forever [2.7]

Ms. Crabtree: BE QUIET BACK THERE! THESE ROADS ARE SLICK!
Stan: Hey, Cartman!
Cartman: What?
Stan: Are you gonna share any of that cake with the rest of us?
Cartman: [finishes a bite] Hm-m-m, let me see. No!
Kyle: Come on, fatass! You shouldn't be eating all that cake anyway!
Cartman: Mmm. It's chocolaty and delightful.
Stan: Give us some, Cartman!
Ms. Crabtree: [turns around] BE QUIET BACK THERE!
Kyle: Whoa, dude. The road is really snowy out there.
Stan: Dude, the road is always snowy.
Kyle: I know, but, it's really snowy today.
Cartman: [now baiting] Mmm. I can't possibly finish this whoole cake. Oh, yes I can. [resumes eating]
Stan: Shut up, Cartman!
Ms. Crabtree [slams the brakes on, opens a box, and pulls out a bunny] OKAY, THAT DOES IT! Y'ALL BE QUIET OR THE CUTE LITTLE BUNNY DIES! [points a gun at its head. The class gasps and look at her for a while. Sure that she has made her point, she puts the bunny back in the box and resumes driving]
Stan: Dude, she always tries to quiet us down by threatening to kill that bunny, but I wonder if she ever would.
Kyle: Oh, she would, dude. She would.
[the bus comes to a halt at a road block]
Ms. Crabtree: GOD! [a sign says "Road closed due to avalanche"] OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, I DON'T BELLEVE THIS! [another sign says, "Detour at your own risk." She starts up the bus and takes the detour]
Stan: Come on, fat boy, give us some cake now.
Cartman: [exhausted] I cannot possibly eat one more bite of its chocolaty goodness. Oh, but, but, but, but I'll try.
Kyle: Dammit, Cartman, you are such a fat (bleep!)
Ms. Crabtree: [spins around] WHAT DID YOU SAY?! [turns back around just to see the bus head for a road shoulder where the road starts to turn] Whoa-oh. [she slams the brakes on, but the bus goes over the shoulder and tumbles down the side of the hill] Hold on! Aaaaah! [the kids tumble all over the place and scream, but Cartman just munches away on the cake, quite undisturbed. The bus bounces on the bottom of the hill and lands on a river upright, floating on down]
Kids: Aaaah!
Kyle: I'm scared!
Ms. Crabtree: Be quiet, kid!
[the kids look back at where they were as the bus continues down the river, and over a waterfall, straight down]
All: Aaaah!

Mrs. Crabtree: Don't get off the bus or a big scary monster will eat you! [she gets off the bus]
Butters: Hey, why isn't the monster eating her?
Stan: Because, dumbass, monsters don't eat big fat smelly bitches!
Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Stan: I said "Larry King won't grant me three wishes."

Summer Sucks [2.8]

Mr. Garrison: Hello children, how is your summer going?
Stan: Summer sucks ass, Mr. Garrison.
Kyle: Hey, have you found Mr. Hat yet?
Mr. Garrison: Oh, oh, that old thing? Why, I almost forgot he was gone. I don't need Mr. Hat.
Stan: That's good.
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat is just a puppet.
Kyle: Yep.
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat isn't real.
Stan: Right.

[Chef was vacationing on an island while the snake ravaged the country. After blowing the snake up, the townspeople are seen trying to clean up the mess, but as a result of all the ash in the air, it looks like they're all black]
Chef: OK! Everybody get into line, so I can whoop all yo' asses!

[The snake breaks down Jimbo and Ned's cell wall]
Jimbo: Holy crap, what the hell is that?
Ned: It looks like my ex-wife!

[The boys have called Chef for advice on how to deal with the Ash Snake]
Chef: Giant snake? Killing everybody? Growing bigger? [looks at the women surrounding him] Children, you know I rarely say this but--well--fudge ya. [hangs up, sings] Simultaneous, you and me!
Kyle: What'd he say?
Stan: Dude, I think he told us to go fuck ourselves.
Cartman: Wow!
Kyle: How's that gonna help?

[The boys stop in front of a sign with "Stu's Fireworks" written on it]
Stan: Oh yeah, dude, it's summer. That means we've gotta buy fireworks!
Kyle: I saved up enough money to buy M-80s this year.
Stan: I saw in this movie once, where this guy stuck a firecracker up a cat's butt.
Kyle: Cool, maybe we can do that to Cartman's cat!
Cartman: Hey! If you so much as touch Kitty's ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nut sack and blow your balls all over your pants!
Stan: Jesus, Cartman!
Cartman [His voice trailing off]: Well, I'm just--Seriously now, don't mess with Kitty, now.

Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls [2.9]

Cartman: Independent films are those black-and-white hippie movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.

[from one of the independent films]
Cowboy: Hey Tom, you got any pudding?
Tom: You know I'm all out of pudding, silly.
Cowboy: Well, what should we do now?
Tom: Well, how about we explore our sexuality? [they start to make out]

Cartman: I've learned something too: selling out is sweet because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money, and when you have money, you don't have to hang out with a bunch of poor ass losers like you guys.

Chef: [singing to advertise his new candy, Chocolate Salty Balls] Hey, everybody, have you seen my balls? They're big and salty and brown! If you ever need a quick pick-me-up, just stick my balls in your mouth! Suck on my Salty Chocolate Balls! [high-pitched voice] Put 'em in your mouth! [normal singing voice]] Put 'em in your mouth and suck 'em and suck 'em! Sucka my balls! Suck 'em sweet!

[Chef has just fed his concoction, Salty Chocolate Balls, to a severely ailing Mr. Hankey]
Chef: My Salty Chocolate Balls must have rejuvenated him!
Kyle: You've got the best balls in the whole world, Chef.
Chef: You damn right.

Cartman: That's it, screw you guys, I'm going home
[pause]
Kyle: Well?
Cartman: I'm going, just give me a minute.

Chicken Pox [2.10]

Cartman: "Aw, Jesus, are you f***ing kidding me?!"
Stan: "Hey! We don't say, 'f***' at the table, you little asshole!"
Shelley: "Serves you right, you little brat!"
Stan:"Well, at least I'm not gonna die from it, which you might!" [giggles]
Shelley: "If I die from this, I'm taking YOU with me!"
Stan:"I don't wanna watch this! I wanna watch Terrance and Phillip!"
Shelley:"We're watching this!
Stan:"Well I got the remote, bitch!" [giggles]

Gerald: [reading] "'My Final Solution' by Kyle Broflovski. My dad is the smartest guy in the whole wide world. He has taught me that all poor people are actually things called clods. I wanna live in a world of only gods so my idea to make America better will go ahead and I can put all the poor people into camps." WHAT!? "If we get rid of them, there will be no one but the wealthy, and there won't be any hunger, poverty or homeless people, 'cause they'll all be dead. The End." My God, what have I done?

Clubhouses [2.12]

Roy: Stan, you wanna help me cut some firewood?
Stan: We cut firewood all day yesterday; we've got enough firewood for twelve years!
Roy: [Tormented] When will you let me in?! When will you let me love you?! [Normal] Now get your ass down here and help me!

Stan: You suck, Cartman! If you want to play America vs. Bosnia anymore, you can just play with yourself!
Cartman: Fine! I like playing with myself! I'll play with myself all day long!
[Kenny laughs]
Cartman: What?

Mrs. Marsh: What are you doing, sweetie?
Stan: Getting a cookie. We're building a clubhouse and—-
Mrs. Marsh: You men are all alike! First you get a cookie and then you criticize the way I dress, and then it's the way I cook! I suppose next you'll be telling me that you need your space and that I'm sabotaging your creativity! Go ahead, Stanley, get your goddamn cookie!
[she leaves]
Stan: OK.

Wendy: Kiss Bebe on the lips.
Kyle: What? I'm not kissing a girl!
Stan: Go on, just close your eyes.
[Kyle hesitates, then relaxes. Bebe moves forward and plants a kiss on his lips]
Kyle: Sick, bitch! Fucking sickening! (Kyle runs out of the treehouse, Bebe stares)
Bebe: Wow, look at that ass! Shake it, baby!!

[Bebe tries to pass a note to Kyle from across the room]
Mr. Garrison: Stanley, are you passing notes to Kyle?
Stan: No, I just—-
Mr. Garrison: Don't lie! Lying makes you sterile!
Stan: I'm not lying! Someone just handed me—-
Mr. Garrison: Stanley, if you think it's so important to keep interrupting my class, why don't you just come up front and read your note to Kyle for everyone to hear.
Stan: But I didn't write the note!
Cartman: Mr. Garrison, Stan's behavior is having an adverse effect on my education.
Stan: Shut up, Cartman!
Mr. Garrison: Stanley, you come up here right now and read your note!
Stan: "Dear Kyle, you have got such a great ass. I could sleep for days on those pert cheeks, let me tell you. I'd like to live with you and wear your ass as a hat for all eternity." Whoa, dude!

Mr. Mackey: School is a time for learning, not for immature skylarkings.
Stan: What's a skylarking?
Mr. Mackey: You know, tomfooleries.
Stan: Who?
Mr. Mackey: Your parents are here for you--
[Stan's parents enter]
Mr. Mackey: Thank you for coming on such short notice. I was just disciplining your son for his skylarkings.
Mr. Marsh: Stan, we're very...Skylarkings?

Cow Days [2.13]

Cartman: (the boys have decided to enter him into a bullriding contest) What makes you think "Cartman rides a bull?"
Kyle: (grabbing him by the collar and talking through gritted teeth) Because you spent all of our money on those stupid rides fatass! Now either you ride this bull or I'm gonna break your fucking head open!

Chef Aid [2.14]

Chef: Two million dollars?! The only way I can raise that kind of money is by whorin' myself to every woman in town!

Kyle: Wow! Elton John's house is bigger than Cartman's ass!
Cartman: You wish, you guys.

(Repeated line)

Record Exec: I am above the law!

Johnnie Cochran: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about it: That does not make sense! Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: What does this have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! Look at me. I'm a lawyer defending a major record company, and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca! Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberatin' and conjugatin' the Emancipation Proclamation, [approaches and softens] does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The defense rests.

Johnnie Cochran: Look at the monkey! Look at the silly monkey! (Jury member's head explodes)

Spookyfish [2.15]

Kyle: Dude, why is your store called The Indian Burial Ground Pet Store?
Shop Owner: Well, there was an Indian burial ground here before I bought it.
Stan: So you just built your store on top of an Indian burial ground?
Shop Owner: Hell no! I dug up all the bodies, pissed on them, and then buried them again upside-down.
Kyle: Why?
Shop Owner: Why? I don't know why, I was drunk!

Kyle: Did you get the pumpkin, Kenny?
Kenny: Uh-huh. [puts a squash on the table]
Cartman: What the fuck is that?
Kenny: It's all I could afford!

Evil Cartman: (singing)You guys are my best friends! Through thick and thin, we've always been together! Four of kind, having fun all day, pallin' around, and laughing away. Just best friends, best friends are we!

Cartman: (Singing) You guys are hella-stupid, you guys are hella-lame, you guys are hella-dumb, hella, hella, hella!
Kyle: Dammit!

Merry Christmas Charlie Manson! [2.16]

Reporter: This is Robert Pooner reporting live from Nebraska, where escaped convict Charlie Manson has walled himself up in a house. We understand that there are hostages and that the situation is critical, so we would like to remind you all that this live hostage crisis is being brought to you by Palmoral Sun Block. If it ain't Palmoral, you'll gonna get cancer.

George Bailey: You can't go around buying people off, Mr. Potter. Do you know what you are? You're a little bitch. That's right, you're a bitch and I bet you'd like to suck it, now wouldn't you?

Gnomes [2.17]

Underpants Gnome: Phase one: collect underpants. Phase two: [silence]. Phase three: profit!

Mr. Tweek: Mr. Postum, you have a lot to learn about making coffee.
Mr. Postum: And you don't? Your coffee tastes like moldy diarrhea!

[Tweek is worried about his family becoming poor]
Cartman: You can always go on welfare. Just look at Kenny's family, they're perfectly happy being poor and they're on welfare. Right, Kenny?
Kenny: Fuck you!
Cartman: Heh-heh, you suck, Kenny.

[An Underpants Gnomes' cart has just flattened Kenny]
Stan: [Rushed and Monotone] Oh my God, they killed Kenny.
Kyle: [Same tone as Stan] You bastards. [to the Underpants Gnome] Listen, we have to give a huge speech tomorrow about corporate takeovers!
Underpants Gnome: Holy S***, we killed your friend!
Stan: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, we gotta know about corporate takeovers tomorrow or we're screwed!
Underpants Gnome: Christ, we squished him like a bug!

Prehistoric Ice Man [2.18]

Stan: Great job, you killed Kyle!
Kenny: [muffled] You bastard!
Cartman: Well, he shouldn't have called me fat!
Stan: Why the hell not? It's just like calling the sky blue!

Australian Outback Guy: [examining dirt] I think he came through here recently.
Cartman: [imitating Australian Outback Guy] Yeah, I think the same thing.
Government Agent 1: Well where the hell is he? We have to get him back to the lab!
Dr. Mephisto: He can't function out here in our time!
Australian Outback Guy: Calm down, calm down!
Cartman: [imitating Australian Outback Guy] Yeah, calm down, calm down, you sons of bitches!

Cartman: [lodged in a cow's anus] Aw, it smells like Kenny's house in here!

Kyle: [about the frozen man they found] His name is Steve!
Stan: His name is Gorac!
Frozen Man: My name is Larry, actually.

Season 3

Rainforest Schmainforest [3.1]

Stan: Ah! A snake!
Kyle: No, dude, that's a branch.
Stan: Oh. Ah! It's a snake!
Kyle: No, dude, that's the same branch again.

Stan: Ahhhhhh!
Miss Stevens: Stan, what is it?
Stan: Snake! [points to a snake, everyone gasps]
Pablo: Oh yes, this is what we call a coral snake. Notice the red markings. Quite an amazing creature.
[Stan screams and runs away]
Pablo: What's the matter, little boy?
Cartman: He's a little wuss, what's it look like?
Stan: I'm just scared of snakes.
Pablo: Now, now, you must remember. This snake is more afraid of us than we are of it.
[coral snake chokes Pablo to death]
Miss Stevens: Oh, my God!
[coral snake starts to eat Pablo]
Cartman: Yeah, that snake is pretty scared of us, all right.
[coral snake continues to eat Pablo]
Miss Stevens: Jesus Christ! Is he dead?
[coral snake excretes remains of Pablo]
Stan: Dude!
Kyle: My guess would be yes.
Miss Stevens: Oh, no! God, no! Now don't panic, children.
Cartman: [hitting coral snake with a stick] Bad! That's a bad snake! [runs from coral snake that's chasing him]

Kelly: (to Kenny) Lenny, can I tell you something?
Kenny: (muffled) Uh-huh?
Kelly: I think I like you.
Kenny: (muffled) Really?
Kelly: Yes, I think we communicate really well.
Kenny: (muffled) Wow, that's great!
Kelly: (sadly) No, that's not great.
Kenny: (surprised) That's not great?
Kelly: Yes, I live on the opposite side of the country, and when this choir tour ends we'll never see each other again and I'm only going to get my heart broken I just can't get feelings for you. I just can't, Lenny!
Kenny: Awwwww!

Cartman: Mister! You gotta help me, I'm starving to death!
Worker: What are you doing out here, little boy?
Cartman: I was with my class, and we got all lost in the rainforest and I need some food; I'm fading fast.
Worker: Lost in the rain forest? Oh my Lord! Where are all the others?
Cartman: Food! I have to have food!
[Cartman collapses.]
Worker: Oh my God! Get this child some food quick!
Cartman: [lifts his head up] Chicken wings.
Worker: Chicken wings!
Cartman: [lifts his head again] Medium spicy.

Kelly: Oh, stop! I wanna go home! I HATE the rainforest!
Kenny: (stops and hugs her) Come on, it'll be all right.
Kelly: (desperate for more affection) Oh, Lenny, hold me. Oh no, I can't get attached to you. Oh, but I do like you. But I'm only going to get my heart broken.
Kenny: (frustrated) Oh, FUCK YOU!!!

Kelly: Lenny, if we make it out of this, I wanna be your girlfriend, even if we live on either side of the country, I don't care. (moves over to Kenny and they cuddle, with Kelly trying to pick her nose, which she can't do because Kenny's arm is in the way)

Kelly: OK, Lenny, in order to keep up our long-distance relationship, we have to call each other every other day.
Kenny: OK. (lightning bolt strikes him)
Kelly: Lenny! No!
Stan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
Kelly: (desperately) What? Who killed him?
Stan: (embarrassed) Uh, they did.
Kelly: Who's "they"?
Kyle: They are, they're bastards.
Kelly: (desperately) Well, don't just stand there, help him.
Kyle: (confused) Help him?
Kelly: Argh! (Pounds on Kenny's stomach) Breathe! (presses her lips against his and gives him CPR) Breathe! (pounds on his stomach some more. Through clenched teeth) Breathe you-son-of-a-bitch! (Kenny coughs. Kelly looks relieved)
Kyle: (shocked) Whoa, dude!

Stan: Ms. Stevens you have a bug on your back.
Ms. Stevens: Oh could you swat it off? (turns around to reveal cat sized fly on her back)
Stan: No...

Spontaneous Combustion [3.2]

Kyle: I just want a nurection so I can give it to my mom.

Stan: That's the fifth store we've been kicked out of. Why is it so hard to get an erection?

Kyle: So Jesus died and then three days later he had an erection.

Cartman: [on the cross] You guys are in big trouble, now get me down from nyah!

Stan: What are you doing, Dad?
Randy: Stanley, I think it's best you live with Kyle from now on. His dad is better than me.
Stan: No, he's not. He can't even get an erection!
Randy: Heh heh heh! Really?

Mayor: Marsh, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you! Find the cause of spontaneous combustion or else!
Randy: Or else what?
Mayor: Exactly!

Priest Maxi: Now, let us pray. Lord, though we have lost Neil Smith to free agency and Steve Atwater to the Jets, still, we hope our beloved Broncos can bring home another Super Bowl championship, and once again bathe in the glory of your light. Amen.

Priest Maxi: Good. Boys, how would you like to perform the Stations of the Cross this Friday night?
Stan: The what?
Priest Maxi: It's like a skit, where you re-enact the death and glorious resurrection of Jesus Christ.
Kyle: Hey, res-erection! That's what my dad needs!

Stan: Well, we're gonna go work on getting Kyle's dad an erection. [the boys go up the stairs]
Randy: [resumes] Yes, yes, of course. I've got work to do. [the door closes] What?

Cartman: I'm gonna be Jesus!
Kyle: You're too fat to be Jesus!
Cartman: Oh, like you're gonna do it, Jew?!
Kyle: Stan should be Jesus.
Cartman: Either I'm Jesus or else screw you guys, I'm going home!
Kyle: You're such a fat baby!
Cartman: Well, I guess you guys can do the Stations of the Cross by yourselves.
Kyle: All right, all right, you can be Jesus, you tubby cry-baby!
Cartman: Stick and stones may break my bones, but I'm Jesus and you aren't.

[Randy's dream]
[The Most Popular Man In South Park. Hands move him over the crowd]
Crowd: Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
Man: We love you, Randy.
Woman: Make love to me, Randy. Please!

Chef: I got something to tell you.
Cartman What?
Chef: You're not gonna like it.
Cartman: What?
Chef: It's really gonna piss you off.
Cartman: What?
Chef: Okay. This is a dream. You still on that cross!
Cartman: [wakes up] Goddammit!

Priest Maxi: Blessed be the name of Jesus!
Crowd: It's a great name, isn't it?

Cartman: [To Stan and Kyle] When I get down from here, I'm gonna kick you both right in the nuts!

[after Randy tells the crowd how to save themselves]
Crowd: Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
Man: We love you, Randy.
Old Woman: [in a wheelchair] Make love to me, Randy. Please!

Cartman: Officer Barbrady, get me off this cross!
[Officer Barbrady looks at Cartman, who is crucified]
Officer Barbrady: Ooh, a T...T...for turtle.
[Walks away]

The Succubus [3.3]

Mr. Derp: Aren't I a great character? My antics go right to the funny bone!

Mr. Garrison: And never let poontang come between you and your friend!
Chef: Damn right, Garrison!

Stan: Excuse me, we're looking for Chef.
Woman at front desk: Chef?
Kyle: He's a big guy with a beard.
Stan: And a chef's hat.
Kenny: [mumbling] And a big huge dick.

Chef's Father: Well, aren't you crackers just cute as the dickens?
Stan: You're Chef's parents?
Chef's Mother: Yes, all his life.
Kyle: [in a hurry] We have to talk to him!
Chef's Father: Well, he should be out now directly.
Chef's Mother: He's so excited about the wedding now.
Chef's Father: Say, would you crackers like to hear about the time we saw the Loch Ness Monster?
Stan: No, that's OK.
Chef's Father: Ooh, it must have been about seven, eight years ago. Me and the little lady was out on this boat, you see, all alone at night, when all of the sudden this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the Paleolithic Era, comes out of the water.
Chef's Mother: We was so scared, Lord have mercy, I jumped up in the boat, and I said, "Thomas, what on earth is that creature?"
Chef's Father: It stood above us looking down with these big red eyes...
Chef's Mother: Oh, it was so scary!
Chef's Father: ...and I yelled, I said, "What do you want from us, monster?" And the monster bent down, and said, "I need about tree-fitty."
[long pause]
Kyle: What's tree-fitty?
Chef's Father: Three dollars and fifty cents.
Chef's Mother: Tree-fitty.
Stan: He wanted money?
Chef's Father: That's right. I said, "I ain't givin' you no tree-fitty, you goddamn Loch Ness Monster! Get your own goddamn money!"
Chef's Mother: I gave him a dollar.
Chef's Father: She gave him a dollar.
Chef's Mother: I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar.
Chef's Father: Well, of course he's not gonna go away, Mary! You give him a dollar, he's gonna assume you've got more!

Tweek vs. Craig [3.4]

Mr. Adler: Don't screw around in Shop Class!

Cartman: I guess you don't want to hear what he said about your mom?
Craig: Nope! [slams the door shut]
Cartman: [surprised] Goddammit. [knocks on door again. Craig answers again] Oh, I guess you don't want to hear what he had to say about your guinea pig?
Craig: Said what?! What did he say about Stripe?
Cartman: Nothing much, just that you stick it up your ass before you go to bed every night.
Craig: That son of a bitch, I'll kill him!

Mr. Adler: Well that was fun, Pearl. I'll see you later.
Home Ec teacher: Richard, aren't you going to invite me in?
Mr. Adler: Why?
Home Ec teacher: Well, I was hoping you would--at least attempt to--make love to me tonight.
Mr. Adler: I can't.
Home Ec teacher: Oh, Richard, why can't you open your heart to me, why?

Jakovasaurs [3.5]

Mayor: You're supposed to lose, you idiot!
Officer Barbrady: Where am I?
[From this point on the male Jakovasaur is known as Jakov.]
Jakov: Whoo, Niners! Go, Niners!
Randy Marsh: Uh we're rooting for the Broncos here Jakov.
Jakov:[pause] Whoo-oo-oo-oo, Niners!
Jakov: Ga-a-a-a-a-a-a-wo-o-o-o-o-o-p!!

Mr. Garrison: Now, wait a minute. I wanna clear the air here. We all know that pigeon was a whore. Raise your hand if you didn't sleep with that pigeon? [everybody around him raises his or her hand] Oh, whatever!

Department of Interior Guy: Young man, we're making you an honorary Department of Interior person. You are officially in charge of South Park's fish and wildlife. You have authority over all of them.
Cartman: [disbelieving pause] I have authoritah?

Jimbo: Hey Ned, look what I bought you! A new voice box (teases Ned a while) Want it? You want it? Yeah, you want it. Here. Try it out, Ned.
Ned: (in an Irish accent) Ah, Jimbo, I can't thank you enough for the new voice box. (realizes he's got an Irish accent) What the devil is this, then?
Jimbo: Aw, no! I must've picked up the Irish model by mistake.
Ned: (still in an Irish accent) Oh, what a bloody pickle this is. Did ya keep the receipt then?

Stan: Oh, no, there's nothing worse than Cartman with authoritah!

Sexual Harassment Panda [3.6]

Sexual Harrassment Panda Song:
Who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree?
Sexual Harrassment… Panda!
Who explains sexual harassment to you and me?
Sexual Harrassment… Panda!
Don't say that, don't touch there…
Don't be nasty says the silly bear!
He's come to tell you what's right and wrong…
Sexual Harrassment… Panda!

Gerald: You see, Kyle, we live in a liberal, democratic society. And democrats make sexual harrassment laws. These laws tell us what we can and can't say in the workplace, and what we can and can't do in the workplace.
Kyle: Isn't that fascism?
Gerald: No, because we don't call it fascism. Do you understand?
Kyle: Do you?

Sexual Harrassment Panda: When one Panda puts his furry little willy in another Panda's ear, that makes me a saaaaaaaaad Panda.

Sexual Harrassment Panda: How would you like a big Panda punch in your puss?

Skeeter: Hey Panda Bear! We don't take kindly to your types around here.
Bartender: Now Skeeter, he ain't hurtin' nobody.
Skeeter: No! I wanna know something from Mr. Panda Bear here. If you pandas are from mountainous areas of China and Tibet, how come you only eat bamboo which is prone to grow in dryer, more arid regions?

Another misfit mascot: Hello kids, I'm Harry the ‘don't do stuff that might irritate your inner ear' badger.

Worm: Hello there, boys.
Stan: Whoa! Who are you?
Worm: I'm Willy, the "Don't Stare Directly Into The Sun" Worm. Now, you boys know not to stare directly into the sun, right?
Boys: Yes.
Willy: That can burn your retinas and make you blind. [pulls out some shades and a cane, puts on the shades, and sticks the cane out, to simulate a blind person, then puts his props away]
Stan: …Thanks a lot, dude.
Pig: [rushes up snapping two pairs of scissors around] Oink oink! Be sure to run around with scissors, says Oinky, the "Run Around With Scissors" Pig.
Cartman: I thought you weren't supposed to run around with scissors.
Willy: That's why he's on the Island Of Misfit Mascots. [Oinky walks away]

Cat Orgy [3.7]

Shelley: They're having a cat orgy!

Cartman: They mostly come out at night...mostly.

Skyler: Okay, check check, check, 1, 2, check. Okay, ready? All right, let's try the new song. This is a song I wrote for you, Shelley…When I saw her walking down the street, I thought she was Shelley, Shelley.
Cartman: Aw, man, you guys suck.
Skyler: Now that we're together I'm absolutely sure that she's Shelley, Shelley.
Cartman: You're the crappiest band I have ever heard!
Skyler: Move into my mom's house with me, Shelley Shelley

Skyler: I pledge allegience...to the flag...of the United States of...Shelley Shelley!

Two Guys Naked in a Hot Tub [3.8]

Pip: Can I be Jaclyn Smith? Can I?
Butters: No, uh, I get to be Jaclyn Smith. See, I thought of Charlie's Angels and I get to be Jaclyn Smith c-cause I thought of it.

Gerald: Just because we shared an intimate moment in the hot tub, I'm not going to let it--
Randy: We did not share an intimate moment, okay? That makes it sound gay!

Mr. Garrison: Great party, Mr. Mackey. Mr. Hat just grabbed Principal Victoria's ass.

Butters: Oh dear God, they're gonna set us on fire. Oh great Jesus son of Mary, wife of Joseph! What are we gonna do, huh? Oh sweet Joseph, husband of Mary but not father of sweet Jesus.

Pip: We were just playing a game called Wickershams and Ducklers. Do you want to play?
Stan: No.
Pip: I'm the head Wickerknicker. And you are all little Wickershams. We all sing the merry tune of Stratford until I yell, "Turrah!" and then you all fall down laughing, and I join you, as I find it funny too.

Jimbo: We're all a little gay.

ATF Agent: We're not gonna let them commit suicide, even if we have to kill them.

Jewbilee [3.9]

Moses: I desire…macaroni pictures.

Kyle: He doesn't get cake?
Moses: No cake for the impurity!

Moses: And let us glue paper plates together with beans inside so when you shake them they make rattling noises.
Rabbi: Paper plate bean shakers, of course!
Moses: And let us put patterns of glue on the outside and glitter so they look all nice and sparkly.

Starvin' Marvin in Space [3.11]

Stan: This is great!
Cartman: Yeah, but where's that crappy song coming from? Could you turn that off?
[Marvin turns off theme music.]
Stan: Yeah, that's better.

Missionary: An alien race? Have they heard the word of Christ?
Cartman: No, never! It's perfect!

Cartman: Isn't the name of your planet already Marklar?
Chief-Marklar: We on Marklar call all things, people and places Marklar.
Kyle: Isn't that totally confusing?
Chief-Marklar: No, not at all. Hey! Marklar!
A Marklar in the crowd: Yes?
Chief-Marklar: See!

Sign on seized spaceship: PROPERTY OF U.S. GOVT. THANK YOU

Kyle: Wait, I think I can explain this whole thing. Marklar, these marklars want to change your marklar. They don't want this marklar or any of these marklars to live here because it's bad for their marklar. They use marklars to try and force marklars to believe their marklars. If you let them stay here, they will build marklars and marklars. They will take all your marklars and replace them with marklar. These marklars have no good marklar to live on marklar so they must come here to marklar. Please, let these marklars stay where they can grow and prosper without any marklars, marklars, or marklars.
Chief-Marklar: [slight pause. The humans look confused] Young one, your marklars are wise and true.

Korn's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery [3.12]

Radio Announcer: How do you feel about the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt, little boy?
Stan: This one time, like eight months ago, I saw two guys kissing in a park. And that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen, until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt.

Cartman: Hey you guys! You know what time of year it is?
Kyle: Of course, dumbass, it's Halloween.
Cartman: That's right, and that means only two more months till Christmas! [singing] You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry...
Stan: Christmas?
Cartman: ...Christmastime is presents for me.

Guide: Welcome to Spooky Laboratory. [pulls out a blindfold and puts it over Cartman's eyes] I'm your guide, Dr. Spookalot. Allow me to show around the lab. [leads him to a table on which is a bowl of eggs and a bowl of Jell-o cubes]
Cartman: Cool!
Dr. Spookalot: Here I have a bowl of human eyeballs.
Cartman: [rolls his fingers around the eggs] Ew-ho-ho.
Dr. Spookalot: [switches bowls] And here you can feel the brains.
Cartman: [rolls his fingers through the Jell-o cubes] Oh-ho, gross.
Dr. Spookalot: [leads him to an donkey] And here you can feel the warm innards of the body. [Cartman reaches into the donkey's anus and the donkey looks surprised]
Cartman: Ew, it feels like cold spaghetti! You guys, it feels like cold spaghetti!

Stan: [walks up with Kyle and Kenny] Come on, fatass, we have to go!
Cartman: Ey! Don't call me fat! [Mrs. Cartman giggles] Mom, don't laugh.
Mrs. Cartman: I'm sorry, hon.
Cartman: [to his friends] I can't go with you guys right now.
Stan: Yes you can, Porky. [Mrs. Cartman giggles again]
Cartman: Mom, seriously! [her giggles die down]
Mrs. Cartman: Oh, that's not funny, boys. Eric isn't fat, he's big-boned.
Kyle: He must have a huge bone in his ass, then. [Cartman's mom bursts out laughing]
Cartman: Goddammit, Mom!

Stan: OK. It's almost open. Ready? 1, 2, 3! [they pry the door open, and then jump back and peer in] Whoa, dude.
Kyle: Oh, my God. [the corpse sways to the right, against the casket wall] Hi, Grandma.
Voice: Hi, Kyle.
Kyle: [hops back] Aaaah!
Cartman: [providing the voice] Have you been a good boy, Kyle? Have you been making Grandma proud?
Kyle: Dammit, Cartman, that's not funny!
Stan: [chuckling] Eheh, yes it is.

Cartman: We could shove a stick up her ass and use her like a puppet: "Rowr, rowr, I'm Scary Grandma!"

Sheila: Dug her up? Why?
Brunet: Well. The most likely reason is that somebody wanted to have sex with her dead body.
Blond: Yep.
Sheila: What?!
Brunet: Uh-huh, we don't want to upset you, but it happens. Somebody's probably making love to her corpse as we speak.
Blond: Every vile position, every disrespectful act imaginable.
Sheila: Oh, dear God!
Brunet: Yes. By now he's probably even removed her eyes and made love to the empty sockets as well.
Sheila: [sadly rubs her eyes] Oooh.
Blond: Now, we don't want to upset you, but you should know that your mother's body would be stiff and dry, so he would have to have it soaked in warm water for several hours before making love to it.
Sheila: O-o-o-o-oh!
Brunet: Yes. And, now for the difficult part.
Blond: Brace yourself.
Brunet: It is highly possible that he has created new orifices in her decomposing flesh, leaving her to look something like an overloved hunk of Swiss cheese. She probably--
Sheila: OK, OK! I get the point! Just tell me what you're gonna do about it!
Brunet: Do?
Blond: Oh, we don't do anything. We're just the watchmen.
Brunet: Yeah, I guess, maybe, you might wanna call the police or something.

Jonathan Davis: All right, gang. We have to split up and look for clues.
Stan: How do we split up?
Jonathan: I know. Let's have everyone who enjoys having obstacles in their life which they can overcome go this way. And everyone whose insecurity sabotages their potential to overcome these obstacles go that way.
All of Korn: Okay!
Kyle: [joined the first group] Wow! That was easy!

Hooked on Monkey Phonics


Cartman: [Whispers to Phonics Monkey] Come on, Phonics Monkey, drum!

[Phonics Monkey smiles, looks around and does nothing]

Cartman: [Angrily Whispers] Come on!

[Phonics Monkey begins to Masturbate]


Kyle: You got my note?
Rebecca: Uh huh, of course. You taped it to my dog; how could I not see it?
Kyle: Can we sit down?
Rebecca: Why not?
Kyle: Rebecca, don't you ever look at the town? That flicker of light over there?
Rebecca: I have looked at it.
Kyle: That's a public school. And in it, there are children, just like us.
Rebecca: How can children go to school on a flicker of light?
Kyle: From your house, public school is just a flicker of light. Don't you want to go out? All you do is stay in your house and study.
Rebecca: What else would one do?
Kyle: Love, for one thing.
Rebecca: And what is love?
Kyle: Love...is the most important thing on Earth. When boys and girls feel love, they kiss.
Rebecca: What means kiss?
Kyle: When a man and a woman feel...love, they put their lips together.
Rebecca: Oh, you mean a mate. When it is time to increase the herd, my provider will select one for me.
Kyle: Rebecca, in public school, we select our own mate. In public school, men and women get together, make each other happy.
Rebecca: You certainly come from a strange place. Still, I would like to try this...kiss. (Kyle turns round, relieved) So I can write about it. (Kyle comes and sits down next to her again) So how do we do it?
Kyle: I'm not completely sure.
Rebecca: (turning her head towards him) Perhaps we should look it up.
Kyle: (turning his head towards her) no, I think it's something we should try a few times... (leans in closer) until we get it... (leans even closer) right... (They lean in and kiss quickly)
Rebecca: Wow... Wow, that was fun... (she grabs Kyle and kisses him again, though more passionately)
Kyle: Does that mean you'll go to the dance?
Rebecca: You bet your sweet ass I will.

Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics [3.15]

Cartman: Here's a little dreidel that's small and made of clay. But I'm not gonna play with it 'cause dreidel's friggin' gay.
Shelly: On Christmas day in the Morning AAAAHHHHHH! *Throws piano at Stan and Kyle*
News Anchor: Fighting the frizzies, at eleven.

Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus [3.16]

Rod Stewart: Poo pants.
Jesus: What?
Rod Stewart: Poo pants.
Jesus: Poo pants?
Rod Stewart: I pooped my pants.
Jesus: Y-you pooped your pants?
Rod Stewart: I pooped my pants.
Jesus: Oh. Uh, nurse? Mr. Stewart has apparently pooped his pants.
Nurse: Again? Now Mr. Stewart, what did we say about trying to hold in Mr. Dookie?

Randy: [taken aback] That's God?
Jesus: Yea, 'tis my Father, the Creator. He is the Alpha and the Omega.
[A snake's tongue lashes out from God's mouth.]
Jesus: The Beginning and the End.
Mr. Garrison: Well, yeah, but that?
God: What did you expect me to look like, My son?
Mr. Garrison: [thinks for a moment] Well not like that!

World Wide Recorder Concert [3.17]

Mr. Garrison Sr.: Alright. Would you have sex with your son to save his life? [the others ponder the question]
Patron 2: Oh, this is one of them Scruples questions, ain't it?
Patron 1: No, no, I got a better one: Would you have sex with your mother to save your father's life?
Patrons: [wondering] Wooo, yeah.
Patron 2: Oh, like if someone had a gun to your father's head and said, "Have sex with your mother or else I'll shoot him"?
Patron 1: Yeah.
Patron 2: Oh, that's a tough one.
Patron 3: Hmmm.
Mr. Garrison Sr.: No no wait, uh, you don't understand.
Blond: How about if someone made you have sex with your mother and father to save your own life?
Patrons: No, no, no way. No.
Patron 6: But if it was to save my mother's life, uh-I think I would have to have sex with my father.
Patron 7: Yeup.
Patron 8: Me, too.
Patron 9: Well, I think that goes without saying.
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Well actually, I'm just… talking about a son.
Patron 8: Well, personally, I would have sex with my son to save to save my mother's life. It depends, uh- how big a gun are we talkin' here?
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Uh, he doesn't have a gun.
Blond: The father doesn't have a gun?
Mr. Garrison Sr.: No! Nobody's got a gun!
Patron 3: I think if someone said, "Have sex with your mother or else I'm gonna kill your son," but he didn't have a gun, I wouldn't do it.
Patron 2: He could have a knife, though.
Patron 1: Yeah.
Patron 3: Sure.
Patron 1: Yeah, a knife.
Bartender: If a killer put a knife to my throat, and said, "Have sex with your father or else I'm gonna kill your mother while having sex with you," I would have sex with myself.

Season 4

The Tooth Fairy Tats 2000 [4.1]

Cartman: Hmm. Work for you, have my penis cut off. Work for you, have my penis cut off. Hmm, let's see.

Cartman: Do not wake up till morning, or I will kick you in the nuts. Aww, in the nuts.

Cartman: T-Tooth? What the hell? Mom!
Liane: Yes, Eric.
Cartman: You know, the tooth fairy forgot to bring me money last night! Call the police!
Liane: Oh. Eric, poopie, sit down. Mommy has something to tell you. It's just that--well--there is no tooth fairy, Eric. I've been putting all that money under your pillow, and because you had so many teeth fall out, I've actually run out of money and can't go to the grocery store for at least a month.
Cartman: You almost had me for a second there, Mom, heh. "There's no tooth fairy." I suppose you're gonna tell me there's no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, or Jesus, either, heh-heh. M-Mom?
Liane: I'm sorry, Eric. All children find out sooner or later.
Cartman: Y-you're serious here. There really is no tooth fairy?
Liane: No, honey. It's just--
Cartman: How could--? How could you lie to me, Mother? Lie right to my face?
Liane: Oh, Eric, it's just part of being a child.
Cartman: How can I trust you? How can I trust anyone ever again, Mother? I guess, uh to make it through this life, I can only trust myself.

Gerald: Oh, hello, son.
Kyle: Dad, there is so a tooth fairy, huh?
Gerald: What? Oh. Kyle, let's have a little talk.
Kyle: Oh my God! You did lie to me!
Gerald: No. Kyle, she's just make-believe. Like Peter Pan.
Kyle: Peter Pan, too?
Gerald: Kyle--
Kyle: What about Moses and Abraham?
Gerald: Well, they were probably real.
Kyle: Probably? Is Atlantis real?
Gerald: Probably not.
Kyle: Wa-ha-ha-hah!
Gerald: Look, Kyle, adults make up those things because they're fun for children.
Kyle: Fun for children? Fun for children? Look at me, Dad! I don't even know what's real anymore! Waaaah!

Kyle: All right, let's go.
Timmy: Go! Timm-ay! (Shoots off on his wheelchair, pulling Kenny's tooth (which isn't loose) hard)
Kenny: (howls. He is pulled out of his parka) Aargh! (groans)
Cartman: (laughs) Look, guys! I can see Kenny's little Pingling!

Announcer of the ADA: Fellow dentists! As you all know, we are still having numerous reports of missing teeth from all over the country. There are also reports of missing tooth-fairy money. We believe that there can be only one logical reason for all of this: A giant half-chicken, half-squirrel, that steals either teeth or money from children as they sleep in order to build some kind of giant nest, for genetically superior and potentially dangerous offspring. We believe also, that the creature would have at least a mild understanding of algebra, and that it....
Dr Foley: Excuse me, I think I have a more logical theory!
Announcer of the ADA: Well, by all means, Mr Foley, enlighten us!
Dr Foley: I think what we've got here is some kind of black-market tooth racket. Something where one group is stealing the money and teeth from another group for a profit!
Announcer of the ADA: (all laughing) Oh, Mr Foley! You realize how ridiculous that sounds?!
Dr Foley: It's not ridiculous, it's very possible. I've seen it happen before!
Announcer of the ADA: Where?
Dr Foley: In Montreal.
Announcer of the ADA: (more laughing) And where, pray, is this 'Montreal'?
Dr Foley: Look, I know how to handle this. All we have to do is bring down the kingpin and the rest will fall. You'll see! I'll have it taken care of in a matter of weeks!
Announcer of the ADA: Very well, Mr Foley! You go on your 'wild goose chase', and meanwhile we'll deal with the real problems at hand.
Dr Foley: I will! (leaves)
Announcer of the ADA: Ha ha ha! Anyway, the half-chicken, half-squirrel would most likely be about 3-4.5 feet tall. His large beak is probably detachable, and works as a floatation device...

Kyle: But you know, I've learned somthing today: You see, the basis of all reasoning is the mind's awareness of itself. What we think, the external objects we perceive, are all like actors that come on and off stage. But our consciousness, the stage itself, is always present to us.

Cartman's Silly Hate Crime 2000 [4.2]

Pip: Let's hear it for Cartman's big fat arse!
[Cartman throws stone at Pip, who is struck and falls.]
Cartman: Do British people count as an ethnicity for hate crimes?
Others: Nah.
Cartman: Sweet.

Stan: You know something, guys? I think we all took Cartman's ass for granted.

Timmy 2000 [4.3]

Mr. Garrison: Very good, Kyle. Now, who can tell me what famous person wrote the Declaration of Independence? Let's see. Oh, I know. How about the new student, Timmy?
Timmy: Timmiihh!
Mr. Garrison: No, it wasn't you, Timmy.

Announcer: You're watching MTV, the cool, brainwashing, twelve-year-old-and-younger station that hides behind a slick image. We're so cool that we decide what's cool. And now, MTV News, the news that is singlehandedly dumbing down our country. Which is cool. Here's your host, Kurt Loder
Kurt Loder: Why am I still doing this? I've got to be the oldest person in this network by at least 40 years.
Announcer: Kurt Loder didn't just say that. No wait, he did just say it, but just to be cool. That's what makes him cool. You think Kurt Loder is cool. And now, the news that's cool.

Kurt Loder: Phil Collins, by the way, divorced his wife via fax and then married a 27-year-old.

Cartman Joins NAMBLA [4.5]

Stan: Dude! I think these guys mean to have sexual encounters with us!

(outside the hotel, as Stuart is being put into the ambulance)
Kenny's Mom: Are you all right, Stuart?
Stuart: Don't touch me! I've had my nuts broken, body poisoned, and been made love to in the ass by three dozen 40-year-old men. (sobs): I just wanna go home and take a--a hot bath!

Lead Agent: [to NAMBLA leader] We've been after you for a long time, buddy! Do you know your rights?
NAMBLA Leader: Rights? Does anybody know their rights? You see, I've learned something today. Our forefathers came to this country because…they believed in an idea. An idea called "freedom." They wanted to live in a place where a group couldn't be prosecuted for their beliefs. Where a person can live the way he chooses to live. You see us as being perverted because we're different from you. People are afraid of us, because they don't understand. And sometimes it's easier to persecute than to understand.
Kyle: Dude, you have sex with children!
NAMBLA Leader: We are human. Most of us didn't even choose to be attracted to young boys. We were born that way. We can't help the way we are, and if you all can't understand that, well, then, I guess you'll just have to put us away.
Kyle: [slowly] Dude. You have sex with children!
Stan: Yeah. You know, we believe in equality for everybody, and tolerance, and all that gay stuff, but dude, f**k you.
Kyle: Seriously.

Mr Garrison: I do not have sex with boys. I like men my own age. Ah! I mean I like women. Ah! What did I just say? I like titties!

Cartman: I've outgrown all of my friends. I need to meet more mature people, Clyde Frog. (stares at Clyde Frog) Ohhh, great idea, Clyde Frog! I can meet new friends on the Internet! (looks on computer) Here's a chat room: 'Men who like young boys'...that's perfect! (types a message under screen name 'BigBoned') Hi everybody! I am a young boy seeking an older male for good times. I am eight years old and--(he gets cut off and subsequently bombarded by messages from old guys). Wow, look at all these guys that want to be my friend! I'll pick...'Tony316'.

[online conversation]

BigBoned: Hi Tony!
Tony316: So what R U into?
BigBoned: Oh, U know, the usual stuff. :) (Cartman says it out loud as 'smiley face')
Tony316: Kewl. Wanna get together? :) (Cartman again pronounces 'smiley face')
BigBoned: Sure, Tony. That would be kewl. ;) (Cartman pronounces 'winking smiley face')
Tony316: Meet me at Mel's Buffet Restaurant tomorrow morning.
BigBoned: Sounds good, see ya then! <@:) (Cartman: 'clown hat...curly hair...smiley face!')

Cartman: (searching online for a new friend) OK, let's try this again. (typing) Hi everyone. I am looking for fun times with older male. I like to--(interrupted again by even more online 'friends'). Oh, this one looks good. 'Hung Daddy'. (typing) Hello, Hung Daddy.
Hung Daddy: Hi. I am 8 1/2 inches.
Cartman: Man, dude. This guy is tiny. He must be a dwarf. (typing) Sorry, I'm not interested in being friends with midgets. Midgets piss me off. :(

Cherokee Hair Tampons [4.6]

Mr Garrison: [writing] Diana had never slept with another woman before, but it was an erotic thought she often fantasized about. (aside to Mr. Hat) Oh, yeah, Mr. Hat! Hot lesbo scene comin' up! And as Rebecca's naked body lay before her, Diana couldn't help but feel aroused. "Go on," Rebecca said softly. "Touch me." Diana leaned down slowly and brushed Rebecca's bare stomach with her fingertips. It felt good. Like a penis. A soft, but sturdy penis that felt warm to the touch. In Rebecca's mind, she suddenly felt like she was surrounded by penises. They were all around her, flopping all around and slapping her face. It was as if she were in a redwood forest of penises. They presented themselves, tall and mighty, all around her, wi- (Mr. Hat slowly slides under the desk) Mr. Hat, what the hell are you doing? …oh, Mr. Hat!

Chef Goes Nanners [4.7]

Stan and Kyle: Hello, Chef.
Chef: My name isn't Chef anymore, children. I converted to Islam.
Stan: Islam?
Chef: From now on, my name is Abdul Mohammed Jabar Rauf Kareem Ali.

Mr. Garrison: Oh, I'm sorry, Chef, Mr. Hat is a racist son of a bitch.
Mr. Hat: Don't apologize for me to that spearchucker!

Wendy: Bebe--I'm attracted to Cartman.
Bebe: Aaaaaaaaahhh!!
Wendy: I know…

KKK: (chanting) White power! White power!
Klan Leader: Well that's enough rallying for this afternoon, members! Let's take a Hot Shower.
KKK: (chanting) Hot shower! Hot shower! Hot shower!

Jimbo: (whispering) All right, Ned, we gotta be careful. These are really evil men we're dealing with here...
Ned: (in a loud voice (because of his voicebox)) OK...
Jimbo: (whispering angrily) Dammit, Ned, doesn't that thing have a volume control?
Ned: (in loud voice) No.

Klan Leader: Now, brothers, it is time for us all to come together and do our cake raffle!
KKK: (conversing) Oooooh, Cake Raffle!
Klan Leader: This week's winner is 2...9...7...4
Klan Member: I won! I won! I won the cake!
Klan Leader: Good job, Brother.

Something You Can Do with Your Finger [4.8]

Wendy: Miiis-suuus Landers was a health nut. She cooked food in a wok.
Mr. Harris was her boyfriend, and he had a great big-
Cock-a-doodle-doodle, the rooster just won't quit
And I don't want my breakfast, because it tastes like-
Shih tzus make good house pets. They're cuddly and sweet.
Monkeys aren't good to have, because they like to beat their-
Meeting in the office or meeting in the hall,
The boss, he wants to see you so you can suck his
Balzac was a writer, he lived with Allen Funt
Mrs. Roberts didn't like him, but that's 'cause she's a-
Contaminated water can really make you sick.
Your bladder gets infected, and blood comes out your-
Dictate what I'm saying, 'cause it will bring you luck
And if you all don't like it, I don't give a flying f**k!
Cartman:That was good, Wendy. Don't call us, we won't call you neither.

Fingerbang: Fingerbang! Bang bang! Fingerbang! Bang bang bang! I'm gonna fingerbang bang you into my life! Girl you you like to fingerbang and that's all right! 'Cause I'm the king of fingerbang and let's not fight. I'm gonna fingerbang bang you every night. I'm gonna fingerbang bang you every night!

Cartman: You guys, I had a dream of how I can make ten million dollars. You ready?...Boy Band.
Stan: Boy Band?
Cartman: Boy Band
Kyle: I'm not joining any faggy boy band.
Cartman: There's nothing faggy about ten million dollars, asshole!!!!

Stan: Hey Cartman, what does 'fingerbang' mean, anyway?
Cartman: I heard it on HBO, it means, like, you know, when you pretend to use your finger like a gun or something.
Kenny: (laughs) That's not what it means.
Stan: Kenny says that's not what it means.
Cartman: Oookay, Kenny, what does 'fingerbang' mean then?
Kenny: It's when you take your finger, and you stick it in a vagina and you stick it again and again.
Cartman:...What? What?! Who the hell would do that?! Jesus Christ! Grow up, Kenny, would you?!

Do the Handicapped Go to Hell? [4.9]


Sister Anne: Now let me explain how communion works. The priest will give you this round cracker. And this cracker is the body of Christ.
Cartman: Jesus was made of…crackers?
Sister Anne: No.
Stan: But crackers are his body.
Sister Anne: Yes.
Kenny: What?
Sister Anne: In the book of Mark, Jesus distributed bread and said "Eat this, for it is my body."
Cartman: So we won't go to Hell as long as we eat crackers.
Sister Anne: No no no no!
Butters: Well, what are we eating then?
Sister Anne: The body of Christ!
Stan: No no no, I get it. Jesus wanted us to eat him, but he didn't want us to be cannibals...So he turned himself into crackers and then told people to eat him.
Sister Anne: No!
Stan: No?!
Butters: I can't whistle if I eat too many crackers.
Sister Anne: Look, all you need to know is that when the priest gives you the cracker, you eat it. OK?
Boys: OK...
Sister Anne: And then you will drink a very small amount of wine. For that, is the blood of Christ.
Cartman: Oh come on now, this is just getting silly.
Sister Anne: Eric, do you want to go to hell?
Cartman: No!
Sister Anne: Then stop questioning me.

Stan: [after Kenny is hit by a bus] Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
Butters: He had sins that he didn't confess!
Stan: He's doomed.

Cartman: It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.

Satan: No, it can't be! You're dead! I killed you!
Saddam Hussein: Yeah, you killed me. So? Where was I gonna go? Detroit?

Probably [4.10]


[Cartman stands on a platform and is preaching to the kids]
Cartman: I am saying this because we must be saved-ah. The Lord is powerful and he will smote the sinners and send them to everlasting hell-ah. If you do not live your life for Him-ah, then to the lake of fire you shall go-ah!
Principal Victoria: [approaches with parents behind the gathering] You see that, parents? Your children have refused to come into class since this morning. I'm afraid your son is the leader, Ms. Cartman.
Cartman: [meanwhile, in the background] Well, God is gonna heal those eyes and save you from the devil begone-ah! O praise His name!
Principal Victoria: Apparently he's read the entire Bible, and now he's scaring the hell out of everyone.
Cartman: [in the background] But some of you believe in the power of God-ah! Do you believe he is gonna cure your face of the uglies?
Ms. Cartman: [to Eric] Poopikins, it's time to stop preaching damnation to everyone, sweetie!
Stan: [Kyle and Stan get on the platform] Don't you guys, um, persecrute our religous beliefs.
Kids: Yeah!
Mrs. Marsh: We are not trying to persecute you kids, but you're supposed to be in school.
Stan: What purpose does school have? The Bible says the only goal in this life is to praise God and get into heaven.
Kyle: Yeah, and this life is short. The afterlife is forever.

[Cartman preaching behind the schoool]
Cartman: Many of you knew Kenny McCormick. He was a playful school-going 8-year-old. And then yesterday, he was smacked down by the Lord-ah! God bitch-slapped him right down to the fiery depths of hell-ah!

[Kenny has arrived in Mexico]
Kenny: [mumbling] Where am I?
Mexican: Qué?
Kenny: [mumbling] Where am I?!
Mexican: Qué?

[Cartman preaching in church]
Cartman: Friends, I have to tell you that last night I received a phone call from beyond the grave-ah.
Kids: gasp
Cartman: It was our departed friend, Kenny, calling from the depths of Hell and he described what Hell is like in horrid detail-ah. He said that in Hell, the smell is awful. He says that in Hell...Everyone speaks Spanish!
Kids: gasp
Cartman: He said there is water in Hell, but if you drink it you pee blood out your ass for seven hours-ah!
Kids: gasp
Cartman: And perhaps worst of all, in Hell there are dozens and dozens of little trinket stores, but they all have the same little trinkets in them-ah!
Kids: gasp

Protestant: Hey, wait a minute, I was a complete and devout Protestant. I thought we got into Heaven?
Hell Orientation Director: Yes, well, I'm afraid you were wrong.
Jehovah's Witness: I was a practicing Jehovah's Witness.
Hell Orientation Director: You picked the wrong religion as well.
Random Orientation Attendee: Well, who was right? Who got into Heaven?
Hell Orientation Director: I'm afraid it was the [1]... Mormons were the correct answer.
Orientation Attendees: (collective groan)

Chris: Satan!
Satan: Chris!
(they run to embrace each other)
Satan: But I thought Saddam killed you?
Chris: Well, yeah, where was I going to go, Detroit?

God: [after hearing Satan's story] Jesus, what the hell happened to you?
Satan: Huh?
God: You got kicked out of here for being a headstrong rebel. And now you're a whiny little bitch.

Trapper Keeper [4.12]

Bill Cosby (robot): (Drawing a gun) Well, that does it!
Kyle: Hey, what are you doing?
Bill Cosby (robot): I have no other choice. For the sake of humanity I have to kill him. [Cartman]
Kyle: Oh, OK.
Stan: That's fine. [Pauses] No, wait!
Bill Cosby (robot): What?
Stan: Can I do it?
Bill Cosby (robot): Oh well, I suppose. (Hands gun over to Stan)
Stan: Sweet! Kiss your ass goodbye, Fatboy!
Bill Cosby (robot): Wait, perhaps there is another way. If you take me to where Eric Cartman lives, I could try reasoning with his human mother.
Stan: Well, yeah. Or we could just kill him.
Kyle: Yeah, that would be faster.
Stan: He's right there.
Bill Cosby (robot): I'm afraid I can't. I think I'm actually starting to feel what you "humans" call compassion. It's an amazing feeling.
Stan and Kyle: Oh.

Ike: I pooped my pants!

[Kyle enters the core of Cartman/Trapper Keeper]
Cartman/Trapper Keeper: What are you doing, Kyle?
Kyle: I'm going to shut down the Trapper Keeper's CPU.
Cartman/Trapper Keeper: I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Kyle.
Kyle: [angrily] Screw you, fatass.
Cartman/Trapper Keeper: Hey, screw you!

Mr. Garrison:: What the hell is that? [walks to the window and looks out] Oh my God! What is that thing?! Children, there's some huge bulbous monstrosity heading for the classroom! [some of the kids slink down in their seats] Oh my God, it's awful! It's coming for the door. [the doorknob turns and the kindergartners crouch in terror]
Rosie O'Donnell:: Hello, kids!

Officer Barbrady:Now there's two of those things!

Helen Keller! The Musical [4.13]

[Kyle has agreed to buy a turkey from a rancher.]
Kyle: How much?
Rancher: Fifty bucks.
Kyle: But you were just gonna take it out in the backyard and put a bullet in its head!
Rancher: I know! Now I gotta find somethin' else to shoot.

Cartman: Speak to me, Helen. Let me be your voice. [nothing happens] Come on, you blind bitch! Channel your spirit through me!

[Cartman has agreed to be blindfolded and earmuffed to get an idea of Helen Keller's perspective; he sees various frightening images.]
Cartman: Oh, man!
Maynard: What did you see?
Cartman: Nothing, just the same old crap I always see when I close my eyes.

Mr. Mackey: Every year the fourth-graders do The Miracle Worker and every year I have to sit and watch it.
Principal Victoria: Yeah, I swore that if I had to see it one more time I'd put a bullet in my head. But luckily I got really stoned before I came.

Pip [4.14]

Pip: Joe, do you know anything about women?
Joe: Sure! They're those things with vaginas in 'em!

Pocket: Oh, we'll have a gay old time!...and by "gay", I mean "happy" not "penetration of the bum"!

Fat Camp [4.15]

Audience Member: Hey kid! I'll give you 20 bucks to eat a really old piece of bacon!

Stan: Chef, what's a prostitute?
Chef: Dagnabbit children! How come every time you come in here you gotta be askin' me questions that I shouldn't be answering?! "Chef, what's the clitoris?" "What's a lesbian, Chef?" "How come they call it a rim job, Chef?" For once, can't you just come in here and say "Hi, Chef. Nice day, isn't it?"
Stan: OK. Hi, Chef. Nice day, isn't it?
Chef: Thank you. Yes, it is a nice day
Stan: Chef, what's a prostitute?

Counselor Rick: Hello, camper! My name is Rick. How are you doing?
Cartman: Well, I'm pissed off, Rick! How are you?

Cartman: All right, I don't know who the hell put you all up to this, but I am not going to some gay-ass fat camp!
Mr. Mackey: Now, Eric, all these people are doing this because we care about you, m'kay?
Mr. Garrison: Except for me. I just wanted to see the look on your face when we told you.

Stan: [after the fake Kenny suffocates in Miss Crabtree's uterus] Oh my God! They killed Kenny! Sort of.
Kyle: Yeah! They killed Kenny's look-alike. You bastards!

Cartman: Mom, tell them how everyone in your family was big-boned, but then they got thinner as they grew.
Liane Cartman: Oh, those were just lies, sweetie. You're just a fat piece of crap who I never loved.

Kyle: Dude. I don't know if I'm going to like the new Eric Cartman.
Stan: Did you like the old one?
Kyle: Good point.

The Wacky Molestation Adventure [4.16]

Kyle: What I understand is that you two really screwed me over! Why should I have to listen to you?!
Gerald: (angrily) because we're your parents.
Kyle: (furiously) Well, I wish I didn't HAVE any parents! (storms off)
Sheila: (shocked) Kyle?!

Kyle: It's so unfair! How can my parents do that to me?!
Stan: Parents can be pretty cruel sometimes, dude. They get off on it.
Kyle: They're evil! I wish I didn't have any parents!!
Cartman: Well, you could make them go away for a while.
Kyle: How?!
Cartman: Well, I mean, you could call the police and have them take your parents away.
Stan: The police?
Cartman: Yeah, I saw it on TV. All you gotta do is call the police and say that your parents both molestered you.
Kyle: What's that?
Cartman: I don't know, but it works. When I wanted to get rid of my mom's last boyfriend, I just called the police, and said he was molestering me, and I haven't seen him for three months.

Kyle: What's "bad touch"?
Cartman: Something 'bout a swimsuit, I don't remember, but you definitely answer "bad touch"!

[Song that convinces Castro to convert to democracy.]
Kyle:
If I could have one wish, just one wish in the whole world
If I could have one wish, it would be for Cuba to change
'Cause I think all of the Cubans are in pain
All the joy in the world, from sea to shining sea
Doesn't mean a thing, if Cubans aren't free
I just can't be very happy, I'm certain
Not as long as your Cubans are hurtin'
Oh won't you search your soul and find a way to change your mind
That is my one and only wish

Linda: Hello, what's your name...What--what do you want?
Little Girl: We wanna play.
Linda: Mark, I'm scared.
Mark: Don't be scared, they're just kids. Where are your parents?
Little Boy: We already played with our parents.
Little Girl: Now we wanna play with you.
Mark: OK, I'm scared now, too. That freaked me out.

Butters: Aww, I was just about to sacrifice myself to Mr. Elway.

A very Crappy Christmas [4.17]

Butters:
(Talking through construction paper cut-out of a woman) Hey there good lookin', what's your name
(Talking through "Butters" cut-out) Butters, Ma'am.

(Talking through construction paper cut-out of a woman) Well Butters would you like to slap my titties around?
(Talking through "Butters" cut-out) (smiles) Oh, well! Uh (sad expression) no thanks, Ma'am I'll get in trouble again. (Puts cut-outs away)

Season 5

It Hits the Fan [5.1]

Cartman: You seem a little irritable, Kyle. You got some sand in your vagina?

Cartman: Don't worry, Kyle's just got a little sand in his vagina.
Kyle: There's no sand in my vagina!!

Mr.Garrison: Hey there, shitty-shitty fag-fag, shitty-shitty fag-fag, how do you do?

Cartman: I said 'shit' on television.

Stan: But they're gonna say 'shit' and you're gonna miss it.
Kyle: I don't really give a fuck.

Jimbo: Why can't I say 'fag' if I wanna say 'fag'?
Garrison: Well, they can't say fag, you have to be a homosexual to say that.
Randy: You mean I can't say *beep*?
Garrison: No, see, you got beeped.
Guy: You mean you have to be a *beep* to say *beep*?
Garrison: Yep.
Jimbo: Well that's not fair! I should be able to say 'fag.' *look of shock*
Randy: Hey..you didn't get beeped.
Jimbo: Uh-oh.
Garrison: Well, I guess we learned something new about you, Jimbo, you freakin' fag. You wanna go make out or something?

(The boys are in the library searching for the cause of people's serious illness)

Cartman: (with urgency) You guys! Look here! (the group rushes over) In this Nancy Drew mystery, Nancy goes to the beach and gets sand in her shoe! That could explain how Kyle got it in his vagina!
Kyle: Dammit I'm serious!
Cartman: So am I, Kyle--with that sand in your vagina, you're a ticking time bomb.

Cripple Fight [5.2]

Cartman: Cripple fight!!!

Cartman: [over PA] Attention, shoppers, outside today we have Cripple Fight. Cripple Fight, outside.

Randy Marsh: You do not say 'big silly goose,' you call him an asshole like a normal kid!
Stan: All right! Fine! (to Cartman) Asshole.
Randy: That's better.
Cartman: Don't call me an asshole, you big son of a bitch!

Jimmy: Sometimes it's like, "Please Timmy, learn a new word," huh, huh. [imitates Timmy] "Timmy!"
Timmy: [angry] Aahhh!
Jimmy: [continues impression] I'm living a lie, I'm living a lie, Timmy!

Randy Marsh: Kenny's dad and I were in Scouts for years.
Stan: Was your dad in Scouts, Cartman? Oh yeah, you don't have a dad. [everyone laughs]
Cartman: That's not funny! Jesus Christ!

Timmy: Timmah!
Jimmy: Not this year!

Jimmy: Timmy, I told you. Put on the hat! (punches him in the stomach)

Jimmy: You dirty motherfucker!

Super Best Friends [5.3]

Butters: I don't think I'm happy. I fall asleep to the sound of my own screams.
Magic Workshop Leader:...right.
Butters: And in the morning, I wake up to the sound of my own screams.

Stan: Kyle?!
[Stan turns over a dead body of a bald cult member, it takes a moment for Stan to recognize him.]
Stan: [gasps] Oh, my God, they killed Kenny!
Kyle: [offscreen, in the distance] You bastards!
Stan: Kyle? Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
Kyle: [still offscreen, in the distance] You bastards!
Stan: [follows Kyle's voice] Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

Cartman: (to Stan and Kyle) Ahhh, that's so sweet, you guys! Hey you wanna get a room so you can make out for a while? [Laughs. Kyle kicks him in the balls] Ow! [Stan kicks him] Aargh! [boys take turns kicking him] Stop it! Aaargh!

Stan: Kyle, I'm starting to think that this is a really bad idea.
Butters: I'm not Kyle, I'm Butters. I thought you were Kyle.
Stan No, I'm Stan.
Kyle: You're Stan? Where's Kenny?
Stan: Who are you?
Kyle: I'm Kyle.
Cartman: He-he, guess who I am, guys?

Kyle: I'm not going anywhere.
Stan: Goddammit, I'm not going with you! I wanna stay here!
Kyle: Huh? I thought you wanted to leave.
Stan: Oh wait, who am I again?
Kyle: You're Stan.

Scott Tenorman Must Die [5.4]

Thom Yorke: [In response to why the band should fly to Colorado] Didn't you hear the letter? This poor kid has cancer! In his ass!

Cartman: [begins to wolf down the food] God, this is really good, Scott!
Scott: I'm glad you like it so much, because now that you're almost finished, I have something to tell you.
Cartman: (through a mouthful of chili) What? You mean about how you put pubes in your chili? [Everyone at Scott's end of the table is shocked, even Scott, at this accusation.]
Scott: What?
Cartman: Yes, I'm afraid this isn't your chili, Scott. I switched it with Chef's. [Chef looks like he's been used.] It's delicious, Chef. I hadn't planned on that. What I did plan on, however, was that my friends, Stan and Kyle, would betray me and warn you that the Chili Con Carnival was a trap. [Stan and Kyle are stunned.] I assumed that they would tell you that I had trained Denkins' pony to bite off your weiner. What they didn't tell you was that Denkins is a crazy redneck who shoots trespassers on sight. Knowing that you would try and do something to the pony, I warned Mr. Denkins that violent pony killers were in the area. [A shot of Cartman talking to Denkins, who is armed.] I also know that you wouldn't go yourself, for fear of having your weiner bitten off. You would most likely send your parents. [A shot of Scott talking with his parents.] And, I'm afraid that when Mr. Denkins spotted them on his property, he shot and killed both your parents. [The Tenormans are in the corral to rescue the "starving" pony. Seeing Mr. Tenorman's lit flashlight, Mr. Denkins fires at them; they go down.]
Mr. Denkins: [looks of horror surround him] Well, they was trespassin' and I was protectin' myself. I-I have my rights.
Scott: My...mom and dad are...dead? [A shot of Officer Barbrady taking a report from Denkins.]
Cartman: I came just in time to see Mr. Denkins giving his report to Officer Barbrady. And of course, to steal the bodies...[A shot of Cartman arriving, seeing Denkins and Barbrady, and pulling the bodies away.] After a night with the hacksaw, I was all ready to put on my Chili Con Carnival, so that I could personally tell you about your parents' demise! And of course, feed you your chili. [More faces of horror behind Cartman.] Do you like it? Do you like it, Scott? [A gleefully evil look comes over Cartman.] I call it, "Mr. & Mrs. Tenorman Chili."
Scott: [looks at Cartman for a while, realizing what's just happened] Oh my God! [Gagging, he fishes through the plate and finds his mom's wedding ring, still on her finger. He tosses it away.] Oh my God!! [Vomits off to the side.]
Cartman: [leaping up on the table and sings] Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! I made you eat your parents! Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! [Stan and Kyle are stunned.]
Stan: Jesus Christ, dude!
Scott: [grief-stricken, he buries his face on the table] My mom and dad are dead! [Pounds the table.] No! No-o-o! [Radiohead arrives and stands behind Scott. Stan notices.]
Thom: Um, excuse me?
Stan: Who are you?
Jonny: We're that band, Radiohead.
Ed: [to Scott] Jeez, what a little crybaby!
Colin: Are you gonna cry all day, crybaby?
Thom: You know, everyone has problems. It doesn't mean you have to be a little crybaby about it.
Ed: Come on, guys, let's go. This kid is totally not cool. [The members of the band start leaving.]
Thom: Yeah, that's the most uncool kid I've ever met.
Phil: Little crybaby.
Scott: [gathers himself and looks.] No, wait! Wa-a-i-i-t-t! Oh my God, Oh my Go-o-o-o-d!! [Buries his face in the table and bawls again.] Nooo!
Cartman: [walks over to Scott's end of the table] Yes! Ye-e-s-s! Oh, let me taste your tears, Scott! [Starts licking Scott's tears off his face.] Mm, your tears are so yummy and sweet.
Kyle: Dude, I think it might be best for us to never piss Cartman off again.
Stan: Good call.
Cartman: Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! Mm-yummy. [Licks the tears off the table and off Scott's face.] Mm-yummy, you guys! (fade out, then quickly back in to Looney Tunes-style iris) be-de-be-de, that's all, folks!

Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow [5.5]

Young Terrance and Phillip: Beef and lamb, chicken and ham
Step to the left and clap your hands!
Gosh, we love that chicken and ham
Don't they love that chicken and ham?
Woman: Oh my God, what's wrong with their heads?
Man: It's all right, darling. They're just Canadian.
Woman: Oh.

Phillip: Say, Terrance, I'm getting worried aboot all these Russians making missiles. Maybe we should stop this "cold war."
Terrance: Here's a missile for ya! [farts]

Phillip: Say, Terrance, what should we do aboot this strange planet we've crashed on?
Terrance: I don't know, Phillip. It seems like the alien species here breathe an inert gas.
Phillip: Oh oh, did you say what I thought you said? [farts; they both laugh]
Goat Leader: As leader of the goat people, I have seen my species nearly wiped out by your dangerous gas.
Phillip: Wow, that sucks.

Cartman: Look, if you don't come and do this show, I'll make you eat your parents!
Phillip: Yeah, whatever, kid.
Stan: He'll do it, dude!

Stan: Look, you guys! That line isn't long!
Kyle: Yeah, but we're not female groupies or random sluts!
Cartman: Kenny's a random slut!

Cartmanland [5.6]

Stan: Oh my God!
Kyle: Kenny WASN'T lying!
Kyle: [speaking to God] Why? How could you do this? There are people starving in Alabama! And you give Cartman a million dollars?!

Cartman: If you see anyone on my propertah, especially Stan or Kyle, you are to shoot on sight!

Cartman: What about all the years I spent making Grandma like me? All the wet, spit-filled kisses I put up with? The constant smell of aspirin and pee? Don't tell me I didn't earn it, you son of a bitch.

Kyle: Then I was right. Job has all his children killed, and Michael Bay gets to keep making movies. There isn't a God.

[Kyle is in the hospital after popping his hemorrhoid]
Stan: Dude, are you OK?
Kyle: (sarcastically) Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out. How are you?

Kyle: (having discovered Cartman is a financial genius) [gasps and coughs] Ooh! Aah! Ugh! [he flatlines]
Sheila Broflovski: (shaking Kyle's lifeless body) Kyle? Kyle! Get the doctor!

Proper Condom Use [5.7]

Sharon: Stanley, what the hell are you doing!?
Stan: I'm beating off the dog. Red rocket, red rocket! [everyone is shocked]
Sharon: Stanley, go to your room, right now!
Stan: My room? Why?
Sharon: Go, Stanley! [chuckles nervously] He gets very good grades.
[later, in Stan's room]
Sharon: Stanley, do you know why you're being grounded for ten months?
Stan: No.
Randy: Beating off the dog is not appropriate when we have company. [Sharon looks at him] Uh, I mean ever. Beating off the dog is not appropriate ever.

Miss Choksondik: You think that sex is about fun and games and love? Wrong! Sex is about disease.

Cartman: Butters, will you stop filibustering?

Chef: The right time to start having sex is 17.
Sheila: So you mean 17 as long as you're in love?
Chef: Nope, just 17.
Gerald: But what if you're not ready at 17?
Chef: 17, you're ready.

Stan: (he and Kyle are playing with a girl doll and a plastic car) So, we meet again, Jennifer Lopez.
Kyle: No, no, please! This time I swear I won't make any more albums or movies!
Stan: That's what you said last time, but obviously we must resort to more drastic measures. (He pulls out a magnifying glass and uses sun rays to burn the doll).
Kyle: AHHHHH, IT BURNS, IT BURNS!!!
Stan: Scream for me, bitch!!
Kyle: AHHH!!

(Jennifer Lopez's face melts off.)

Kyle and Stan: Whoa, awesome!

Mr. Garrison: Now, class, who can tell me what acondom is? Yes, Jenny?
Jenny: It flies around and it's endangered.
Mr. Garrison: That's a condor, Jenny. Condor. Condoms are what we use to stop the spread of STD's. Yes, Fillmore?
Fillmore: Can we do fingerpaints?
Mr. Garrison: NO, WE CAN'T DO FINGERPAINTS!! You kids want herpes, huh? How about a nice bucket of AIDS? Sounds good? Now pay attention, all right? I'm going to show you the proper way to put on a condom (pulls out a box of condoms and a dildo). First of all, you remove the condom from its package. Then you find which way the condom rolls out. Put it in your mouth (he does)...and apply (demonstrates on the dildo). (one of the kids starts to cry)
Mr. Garrison: And it's as easy as that. Any questions?

Chef: Parents. There are reasons why teachers can't teach sex in school. They might not know a lot about it (camera fixes on Mr Mackey), they might have a bad opinion of it (camera moves to Ms Choksondik) or they might just be a complete pervert (camera moves to Mr Garrison).
Mr. Garrison: Hey! Why'd the camera pan over to me?

Miss Choksondik: Are you wearing a condom?
Mr. Mackey: Uh, no.
Miss Choksondik: Oh, well. Fuck it.

Mr. Mackey: Eric, what the hell are you doing?
Cartman: I'm puttin' on a new condom. I filled the other one up.
Mr. Mackey: Why are you wearing a condom?
Cartman: So I don't get AIDS.
Mr. Mackey: Eric, you can't get AIDS from just sitting around. You have to get it from sex.

(all the 4th-grade boys go to the drugstore)

Male Pharmacist: Can I help you boys?
Stan: Yeah, we need condoms!!
Male Pharmacist: Condoms...
Kyle: Yeah, quick!
Male Pharmacist:...How old are you boys?
Stan: Why does that matter?
Butters: I'll be 9 next week!
Male Pharmacist: Sorry, kids, I'm not selling you condoms.
Kyle: Why not?! You want us to get AIDS?
Male Pharmacist: I just don't think kids your age should--
Female Pharmacist: Mark, we have to be willing to supply condoms to anyone who requests them.
Male Pharmacist: But...they're children!
Female Pharmacist: Would you rather them do it unprotected?
Cartman: Yeah, you want us unprotected, you asshole?
Male Pharmacist: I just think all this sex-ed and condom talk in elementary school is wrong!
Female Pharmacist: Kids are going to do what they do, and it's up to us to make sure they're protected.
Stan: Jeez, I'm glad this lady's on our side.
Male Pharmacist: I don't even think we'll have any that fit them!
Female Pharmacist: Sure we do. We just got in the new Gladiators for kids: Lil' Minis! They're specially designed for kids under 10, and they're only $5.95 for a pack of 50.
Butters: 50?! Oh, can't we just use the same one every day?!
Female Pharmacist: No, you have to change them.
Kyle: Oh jeez, we're gonna have to buy tons of these things!

(the boys are reading the condom instructions)

Stan: Doesn't it give any other directions?
Butters: Nope. It looks like you're just supposed to r-roll it over your wiener. (reading the disclaimer) If used properly, latex condoms are effective against pregnancy, AIDS and other studses (STD's).
Kyle: What are studses?
Butters: Huh...how the heck should I know? (opens condom) Why, it's just a little donut! (touches it) Oh, ohhhh...it's all gooey!
Cartman: Just put it on, Butters.
Butters: How come I gotta go first?
Cartman: Butters, will you stop fuh-....filibustering?
Butters: Oh all right then. (turns around and pulls his pants down) Ohh, it's all sticky.
Kyle: It says you gotta check it for holes or tears.
Butters: I don't even understand how this thing-oh, wait. Ohh, I see. (Cartman looks over)
Stan: Don't look at Butters' schlong, gaymo!
Cartman: I wasn't looking at his schlong!! I was seeing how to put the condom on!
Kyle: Suuuure...
Butters: But it won't stay on. I need a rubber band or something.
Tweek: Gah! I got rubber bands!
Butters: (fastening the condom with rubber bands) Ow! Oh...oww! Okay...ow! There...OK, I think it's on.
Stan: How do you feel?
Butters:...Pretty good.
Cartman: Do you feel protected?
Butters: Yeah, I don't think nothing's gettin' in my wiener through this thing. It's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can pee in it.
Stan: All right, here, everybody. Tweek, give everyone a rubber band. And somebody's gotta help Timmy get his condom on.
Timmy: TIMMMEH!

Towelie [5.8]

Towelie: Don't forget to bring a towel... you wanna get high?

Cartman: Towelie, you are the worst character ever.
Towelie: I know.

Towelie: If you go to a motel, be sure to bring your own towel.

Cartman: You just have no long-term memory because you get high all the time.
Towelie: Don't preach to me, fatso!
Cartman: I can preach to you all I want, 'cause you're stupid!
Towelie: You're stupid!
Cartman: Oh yeah, well you're a towel!
Towelie: You're a towel!

Towelie: Oh man, I'm so high right now. I have no idea what's going on.

Towelie: That's my last J, asshole!

Osama Bin Laden Has Farty Pants [5.9]

Stan: America may have some problems, but it's our home, our team. And if you don't wanna root for your team, then you should get the hell out of the stadium.

Cartman: I told you, jawas have no heart.
Kyle: Jawas?
Cartman: You know, sand people.

Stan's Afghan counterpart: (To the other counterparts) We're speaking in English; does that make sense?

CNN Newscaster: The world has backed down from its support of the U.S., saying they were only really just kidding.

Randy Marsh: Stan, your mom's a little freaked out right now. Why don't you go outside and play with your big brown package from Afghanistan?

Randy Marsh: Sharon, don't you think maybe you should watch something else? You've been watching CNN for about (Looks at his watch) eight weeks now?

[The boys are confronted by Afghan soldiers.]
Kyle: Uh, greetings from Canada. Well, boys, it's 'aboot' time we get back to our 'hoose' in Canada, isn't it?
Cartman: Hey, what the hell are you talking about? I'm not a goddamn Canadian and neither are you.
Stan: Cartman, you stupid asshole.

How to Eat with Your Butt [5.10]

Photographer: Take off your hat, please?
Kyle: But I never take off my hat.
Photographer: Come on now, I bet your parents want a picture of you lookin' natural.
Kyle: This is how I look natural.

Jimmy: Why did the...pigeon cross the road?
Cartman: Okay, why?
Jimmy: Because it was having sex with the chihi... Because it was having sex with the ch-hi-hi... Because it was having sex with the ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch... eh, it was having sex with the ch-ch-hiicken.

The Entity [5.11]

[Kyle is paying Cartman $40 not to rip on his cousin (also called Kyle) for being Jewish.]
(Kyle's cousin = Kyle. Kyle Broflovski = Kyle 2)
Ms. Choksondik: Kyle, if you want to succeed in my class, you're going to need to learn how to concentrate, concentration is the key to...
Cartman: Maybe we should send him to a concentration camp. Oh! Dammit, dammit, dammit!
Kyle 2: Cartman!

Kyle 2: But what about Cartman?! He rips on ME for being Jewish! He's gonna tear THIS kid apart!!!!

Kyle 2: [after seeing commercial for IT]: That looks pretty gay.

Here Comes the Neighborhood [5.12]

Mr. Garrison: Well at least we got rid of those goddamn nig-

Token: Why can't I be like all the other kids?
They all have three-bedroom homes, broken trucks on their lawns
And cut-up hot dogs for lunch
It's not my fault my parents succeed so much
There's no one in town I can relate to
I play with autographed baseball bats
While everyone else just plays with sticks and pine cones
Has a boy ever felt so alone?
Well, who needs them, anyway? I won't pretend to be something I'm not
If I can't be poor, I've got to deal with what I've got
If I can't be like them, what I need is more rich kids around
So I'm not the only one, and then I won't be so… down
Please, God, send more rich kids…
To my…town
I don't fit in anywhere.

Will Smith Jr: …and P-Diddy's kids: P-Diddy Mini, P-Poofy Bite-size, and Poppa-Diddy Diddy Puff Fun-size

Kenny Dies [5.13]

Cartman: [on the phone] Oh please! You tell me where you can get aborted fetuses for 70 cents on the dollar. You tell me, Chuck...Yeah, I didn't think so. You know, I'm just like the fetuses, Chuck: I wasn't born yesterday either!

Cartman: I'm telling you, you're making a fetal mistake. [laughs]

Chef: Stan, sometimes God takes those closest to us because it makes him feel better about himself. He is a very vengeful God, Stan. He's all pissed off about something we did thousands of years ago. He just can't get over it! So he doesn't care who he takes. Children, puppies, it don't matter to him, so long as it makes us sad. Do you understand?
Stan: But then why does God give us anything to start with?
Chef: Well, look at it this way! If you want to make a baby cry, first you give it a lollipop. Then you take it away! If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, it would have nothing to cry about! That's like God, who gives us life and love and health, just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry. So he can drink the sweet milk of our tears! You see, it's our tears, Stan, that give God his great power.
Stan: I think I understand.

[Kenny has just died]
Stan: Did he say anything before he went?
Kyle: He just said, "Where's Stan?"

Stan: I let Kenny down. I'm his worst f-f-f-friend.

Butters' Very Own Episode [5.14]

Butters: [on seeing his dad "wrestling"] Yep. He went in there and wrestled with all kinds o' guys. He wasn't too good, though. This one black guy had him pinned down for fifteen minutes straight!

Butters: Oh, you mean like the time you washed my mouth out with soap for sayin' "nutsack" in front of Grandma. Yeah, I need to behave myself. [Butters slaps his right hand with his left.]

Truck Driver: Yeah. Too bad you're not a broad, 'cause I need some goddamn poontang.
Butters: Yeah. I could use some goddamn poontang myself right now.

Butters: You know, you can call a shovel an ice-cream machine, but it's still a shovel, Mom and Dad. Ah, and you can call a lie whatever you want, but it's still a no-good stinking lie!

Gary Condit, O.J. Simpson, and the Ramseys: One of us, One of us, Gooble Gobble, Gooble Gobble, One of us!"

Chris Stotch: And so the people we owe the biggest apology to are the Ramseys, Congressman Condit, and O.J. We gave you false hope for finding the person who hurt those close to you, and we're sorry. Now we're just happy we won't have to live a life of secrets. For I knew that even though some of you supported us, some others were looking at me and thinking, "You're a liar! You're a liar!" [points at the crowd, and Condit's fixed-grin face is shown] "You know something that you're not telling us, you slimy scumbag liar!" [back to Chris] You know, that's what people would say to me. And then people would see my wife at the supermarket and they would say "Hello," but they'd be thinking, "Ah, there goes that murderer!" [a shot of O.J.] "You got away with murder, you murdering, lying waste of life!" [back to Chris] And to me, people might say things like, [a shot of Condit] "Liar! Tell us what you know, you goddamned liar!" [back to Chris] And so, to both of us, people all over town would be saying things like, [a shot of the Ramseys] "You know goddamn well what happened to your kid, so stop acting like victims, and confess, you murdering murderers!" [a shot of O.J.] "Confess!" [a shot of Condit] "Liar! Confess!!" [back to Chris] You know, and, that's what people would be saying to us, and so, we just had to come forward and tell the truth.

Butters: Oh well, when I get a chipotle bleu-cheese bacon burger at Bennigan's, I forget all about my dad being queer and my mom trying to kill me. I'm gonna be OK.
Stan: Really?
Butters: No, I'm lying.

Season 6

Jared Has Aides [6.1]

Cartman: I can't lose weight, Butters, because I'm not fat, I'm big-boned. You can't slim down bones, stupid!

Cartman: Dammit Butters! Keep eating, or else I'll kick your ass till you're deader than Kenny!
Stan: Dude, that isn't cool. You shouldn't joke about Kenny being dead. Enough time hasn't passed.
Cartman: How long do we have to wait before we can joke about it?
Stan: 22.3 years.
Cartman: Damn, that's a long time to wait.

Chris Stotch: Butters! Are you having liposuction surgery? Tell me the truth.
Butters: Yes, sir.
Linda Stotch: This is unbelievable! How many times have we told you never to have self-performed liposuction surgery in our house?
Butters: Four times, Mom.
Chris Stotch: Well, I guess that wasn't enough! You get up to your room right now, mister!

Chris Stotch: I'm just checking in on you, Butters. Do I hear the television? We told you no television while you're grounded!
Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Oh, gee whiz, I'm not watchin' television, Dad. I'm just layin' around jackin it.
Chris Stotch: Jacking it? Jacking what?
Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Well, my hot, spicy boner, of course, Dad.
Chris Stotch: What?! Are you trying to get yourself in more trouble with that kind of language?
Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Aw, loosen up, you bloody vaginal belch.
Chris Stotch: Oh! You are gonna get it, mister! You just wait till I get home!
Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Bring it on, queer-bait.

Mr. Garrison: There he is, beatin' that dead horse!

Linda Stotch: Butters, your father called and said you made him very upset.
Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Yeah, well, uh, Dad's bein' a little pussy, Mom.
Linda Stotch: Butters, where did you get that kind of smart mouth?
Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Uh, not from you dumb-asses, that's for sure.
Linda Stotch: Oh! You just wait till I get home, mister!
Cartman: [impersonating Butters] I'll be waiting with bells on you, you old. horse-bangin' skank.

Butters: Guys, I can't eat no more. I just keep on pukin' it up.
Cartman: Then eat your puke!
Butters: No!
Cartman: C'mon, Japanese girls do it!

Asspen [6.2]

Thumper: [motioning to Butters' "Shitler"] Hey, little dude, you got some crap right here.
Butters: [unaware he does have feces on his face] Why that's my face, sir.
Thumper: We're gonna take it slow, take it easy, make sure everybody has a goood time. 'Cause what is skiing about? Having a good--? [puts his left hand to his ear, hoping for an answer. The boys just look at him] Time, that's right. Now, just a few safety things to keep in mind: First of all, look straight ahead when you ski. You look down, you're gonna fall, you're gonna have a bad time. Also, be aware of skiers around you. You run into another skier, your skis are gonna cross, gonna have a bad time.

Tad: What's your name, hot shot?
Stan: Stan. Marsh.
Tad: Stan Marsh? [laughs] Stan Darsh is more like it.

Cartman: Hey you guys, Butters is asleep.
Stan: He's such a douche-bag.

Cartman: Have you seen this trick? When someone's sleeping, you can take a glass of warm water, and when you put their hand in it…
Stan: And then what?
Cartman: …and then you pee on them!
[Cartman starts peeing on Butters.]
Kyle: No dude! You're supposed to put their hand in warm water to make THEM pee!
Cartman: Oh really? Oh well.
[Cartman continues peeing on Butters.]

Kyle: Stan, you can't let that Tad guy get to you, screw him, dude.
Stan: Dude, I have to… he's got Heather!
[silence]
Kyle: You don't even know Heather!
Stan: I know, I know, but I have to do this. I'm not going to die, I mean how bad could the K-13 be?
[An old man walks into the shot.]
Old Man: The K-13? You don't want to go down that run. That run's got a history. Thirty-five people have died goin' down it and some say you can still see their ghosts up there. I was on that very ski run and then a group of students were killed by a wolf-boy who escaped from the mental institution. You see, that ski run was once a burial ground to a tribe of vampire witchikah Indians who ate the flesh of children with no eyes… Yap, lot of history on that ski run.
[silence]
Stan: Thank you.
Old Man: Yap.

Freak Strike [6.3]

Kyle: This is terrible, dude. Maury Povich parades these poor people around on his show like carnival freaks and then gives them prizes at the end as if to justify it. What a dick!

Cartman: [to Butters] That's awesome, Kenny!
Butters: Now gosh darn it fellas…my name's not Kenny…Kenny's dead!

Cartman: Oh yeah? I run with 12 gangs, and we only commit hate crimes. What-evah--I do what I want!

Man with Terrible Skin Condition: The first group will be lead by Incredibly Obese Black Man.
Large-Sized African-American Freak: Excuse me, I'm not Incredibly Obese Black Man. I'm incredibly Black Obese Man.
Man with Terrible Skin Condition: Oh right, my bad.

Butters: I've got to get back to my family.
Man with Terrible Skin Condition: We're your family too, Napoleon. We're like you. When we look at you, we don't even see the testicles on your chin, we see the testicles in your heart.

Unlabeled Freak: Sure, everyone in this great country of ours is a freak, but true, physically deformed freaks must be recognized, for it's these real freaks that make you all feel better about yourselves for not being one.

Audience Member: They're right. We should have never crossed that picket line. [Rest of audience agrees with him and they all begin to leave the set]
Maury Povich: Wait, wait, come back. Maybe we can get the other out- of-control kids to take off their clothes too.
Cartman: What-evah, I'll crap in Maury's pants!

Cartman: I was once involved in a drive-by shooting! What-evah, I do what I want!

Out-of-Control Teen: You ain't bad, you ain't nuthin'! I ditch class to go shoot heroin in the school bathroom
Cartman: I'm so bad I ran for Congress and won! Then I had sex with an intern, killed her, then hid her body! What-evah, I do what I want!

Cartman: I'm so bad I digitally put Jabba the Hut back in the original Star Wars movie! What-evah, I do what I want!
Maury Povich: Wow! That is out of control!

Vanessa: (after being booed by the audience) Whateva! Whateva! You fucking cocksuckers don't know shit! Fuck you!

Fun with Veal [6.4]

[Stan and Kyle are banging on Cartman's window.]
Stan: Pssst, Cartman.
Cartman: [in his sleep] No, Uncle Jesse, no!
Stan: Cartman, wake up!
Cartman:: What the hell are you guys doing?
Kyle: C'mon, we gotta go.
Cartman: Where're we going?
Stan: We're gonna go save the baby cows, fat-ass.
Cartman: What? Why?
Kyle: 'Cause they're gonna get slaughtered tomorrow, butthole.
Cartman: So…
Stan: We can't let them die, douchebag. You're our friend.
Cartman: Well, let's see. In the last 3.2 seconds you've called me fatass, butthole and douchebag. I don't feel like you guys are friends.
Butters: But, Stan, you said we're just using him so you can get his Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering playset!
Cartman: Aha, aha! You do need me and my Mission Impossible playset!
Stan: Yes we do!
Cartman: OK, I'll go, if Kyle will kiss my black ass. (Lowers pants to show his butt.)
Kyle: No!
Stan: Just do it, dude
Cartman: (After farting in Kyle's face) A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Kyle: Sick, dude! I felt it on my face!
Stan: Now will you help us?
Cartman: Ha, screw that. I'm not going.
[Kyle screams and jumps on Cartman]

Randy Marsh: We gave those kids everything and they turned into little John Walkers!

Cartman: [to a baby cow] Go ahead, that's more for us. You want some beef jerky, buddy? Yes, who's the buddy? Who's hungry? Who's the hungry man?
Kyle: Dude, that's messed up!

[Cartman is talking to an FBI negotiator.]
Cartman: We'll give you one calf, if you give us…some guns and ammunition of our own!
Glen Dumont: What?! I--I can't do that!
Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were talkin' here, but I guess you're not talkin' to me. Goodbye.
Glen: No, no wait, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Yuh, you're right. What reason do you have to trust me? I'm just a guy from Lakewood trying to make ends meet, you know? Just a blue-collar guy like your dad.
Cartman: Don't have a dad, Mike. That's not gonna work.

[The phone rings; Cartman picks up.]
Cartman: Mike.
Mike: How we doing?
Cartman: We got a sick kid here, Mike. Did you get the other things?
Mike: Well, I did manage to get the FDA to officially change "veal" to "tortured baby cow," but I couldn't get North or South Dakota.
Cartman: O Mike, you're breaking my balls!

FBI Leader: All right that's it. You are in fact the worst negotiator I've ever seen in action.
Mike: All right I'll give you that. But in exchange I want 3 staples.
FBI Leader: Get the hell out of here!

Cartman: What are you waiting for? Go kill them, Worf!
Michael Dorn: I'm not killing anybody!
Cartman: Ugh! Some goddamned Klingon you are!

Doctor: You see these sores are all tiny vaginas. If he had stopped eating meat completely, he would've turned into one giant pussy.

The New Terrance and Phillip Movie Trailer [6.5]

Barkeep: Look, this is a bar! We can't have children in here. People come here for debauchery and sin!
Cartman: Butters will give handjobs in the corner for a dollar.
Butters: Well sure! I'm good at all kinds of jobs.

Kyle: Oh Jesus! Now where do we go??
Stan: We've tried everywhere! Butters, are you absolutely sure we can't go to your house??
Butters: I'm sure! There's no way!
Kyle: Uh, why not?!
Butters: Uh, because! Uh my parents are out of town, and I don't have a babysitter.
Cartman: [glares at Butters] Oh, goddammit, you better be kidding!
Butters: No, I really don't have a babysitter.

Russell Crowe: Well, we found out that I couldn't actually fight cancer, but we did find a person with cancer. [brings out a sickly cancer patient and begins beating him severely] Come on, cancer, ya pussy! Is that all you got?!

Russell Crowe: My fightin's poetry! You don't edit Russell Crowe's poetry, ya testicle! (Beats up the editor)

Chef: Hello, is this customer service? I'm having a problem with my new television: it's sprouted laser guns and started walking around shooting people.

Professor Chaos [6.6]

[Butters gets fired]

Cartman: I'm afraid we gonna have to let you go...as our friend. You're just too...
Kyle: Lame.
Cartman: Lame, yes.
Butters: But I can get better!
Stan: Butters, you just don't really fit in with us here. We think it's best for all of us if you look for friendship opportunities elsewhere.
Kyle: But we certainly wanna thank you for all your hard work in the attempts to be our friend. Lame as they were.

Towelie: Well, I really hope I win 'cause...Wait, what is this again? Oh man, I have no idea what's goin' on.

Pip: Can I have some tea, please?
Cartman: You don't drink tea in a ballpark, you French piece of crap!
Pip: Oh, very well. Just some crumpets, then.

Simpsons Already Did It [6.7]

General Disarray: Simpsons did it! Simpsons did it!

Kyle: I told you, Cartman.
Cartman: Oh, shut up, Kyle! Shut your goddamn Jew mouth! You people are why there's war in the Middle East! And you, Tweek, why don't you learn to button your shirt right, for once?! You're as bad as Stan with his stupid girlfriend, always spending time with her! God, I hate you guys!!

Cartman: [explaining where he obtained the "sea men" for his aquarium] Yeah, I bought all I could from this bank…I got the rest from this guy named Ralph in an alley--stupid asshole didn't even charge me, he just told me to close my eyes and suck it out of a hose!
Stan: Close your eyes and suck it out of a hose?
Cartman: Suck it out of a hose, yeah.
Stan: Oh.

Tweek: But, what if when I'm trying to put on the nose, the snowman comes alive and tries to kill me?
Stan: Tweek, when has that ever happened, except that one time?

Chef:Oh, well, hello there, children.
Stan:Chef, we did something kind of bad.
Chef:Ohh, I'm sure your little cracker problems ain't all that bad. Come on in. Now, just sit down and take a deep breath and tell ol' Chef what's goin' on.
Stan: We killed our teacher and they found our seamen in her stomach.
Chef: Oh, children, that's a problem we all have to face at one time or another. Here: let me sing you a little song that might cheer you up. Sometimes you kill your teacher/And they find your semen in her stomach/And--wait! What the--WHAT?!
Stan: So what should we do?
[Chef pushes the couch where the boys are sitting outside and shuts the door.]

Red Hot Catholic Love [6.8]

Chef: Hello there, children.
Stan: Chef, what would a priest want to stick up my butt?
Chef: Goodbye.

Bishop: O Great Queen Spider, we wish to change one of the Vatican laws.
Queen Spider: No, the Vatican laws cannot be changed, so sayeth the spider.

Kyle: Cartman, that's the dumbest thing you've ever said, (quick pause) this week.

Sharon: So, what did you guys do with your day off today?
Stan: Cartman shoved food up his ass and crapped out his mouth.
Sharon: Stanley!
Stan: He did!
Randy: Stan, it doesn't work like that.
Stan: Yes it does.
Randy: No, it doesn't.
Stan: Yeah, it does.
Randy: (curiously looks at his food)

Priest: Father, uh, having sex with boys is part of the Catholic priest's way of life.

Cardinal: Well, what do you suggest we change, Father Maxi?
Father Maxi: Well, for one, no sex with boys.
Congregation: Aw-w-w-w-w-w! Rabble-rabble-rabble!

Father Maxi: Well, maybe we could change the law to say that it's OK for a priest to have sex...with women.
Congregation of Cardinals: Ah-h-h! Rabble-rabble-rabble-rabble!
Gilgamek Cardinal: The Gilgamek vagina is three feet wide and filled with razor sharp teeth. Do you really expect us to have sex with them?
Father Maxi: Right, maybe we should forget about the Gelgameks for right now.
Gilgamek Cardinal: Forget about the Gelgameks?!
Gilgamek Cardinals: Ah-h-h! Rabble-rabble-rabble-rabble!

Free Hat [6.9]

Announcer: Coming this summer...it's the classic film that changed America...

[A trailer for the (real) re-release of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial starts playing]

Announcer: All the E.T. effects have been digitally upgraded.
Announcer (as the US secret agents chase the kids): All the guns have been digitally changed to walkie-talkies.
Announcer: And the word "TERRORIST" has been changed to "HIPPIE."
Stan (disappointed): Aw, dude, why would they do that?
Cartman: Yeah, a hippie and a terrorist is the same thing.
Kyle: No, dude, Spielberg changed terrorist to hippie to make ET more PC.
Stan: That's gay...

Announcer: Coming this summer...it's the motion picture that changed America...

[A trailer for the (fictional) "re-re-release" of Saving Private Ryan starts playing]

Announcer: The word "NAZI" has been changed to "PERSONS WITH POLITICAL DIFFERENCES."
Announcer: And all the guns have been replaced by walkie-talkies.

[Shots of soldiers getting killed or crippled by walkie talkies' shots]


[A banner shows up (and read by an announcer) before the airing of the "re-re-re-release" of Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back]]

Announcer: The word "WOOKIEE" has been changed to "HAIR CHALLENGED ANIMAL" and the entire cast has been digitally replaced by Ewoks.

[The kids ditch the theater in anger and try to get their money back]


[On "EXCESS HOLLYWOOD"]

Host: Well, the print is finished and the day has come. Tonight Steven Spielberg and George Lucas will be at the premiere of the new Special Edition of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Lots of celebrity guests and other rich people will be on hand to witness all the updated effects and modernized technology.

Cartman: Hit it, Tweek! [Tweek turns on stereo that starts playing Carribbean music] (singing) In the tropical isle with the coconut tree, there's a lots of--
Stan: Wait wait wait wait wait. I thought we were gonna cool his hot heart with a cool island song.
Cartman: No, he has an icy heart.
Kyle: But you can't melt ice with a cool song, 'tardheart.
Stan: So we have to warm his icy heart with a hot island song.
Cartman: But it's a cool island song.
Kyle: Well then we're gonna end up freezing his hellish heart with a cool island song.
Cartman: Oh, do we wanna do that?
George Lucas: ALL RIGHT, that does it!

Man 1: Yeah... Maybe we could melt the governor's icy heart with a cool island song!
Members: Yeah!
Tweek: No!
Skeeter: No?
Man 2: No! He's right. We have to freeze his hot heart with a cool island song.
Woman: Or is it freshen his hot temper with a cool island song?
Man 3: Let's cool his hot temper with a fresh island song.
Man 4: That's it!

[Raiders of the Lost Ark's theme is played as Spielberg, Lucas, Coppola, and their entourage walk across a desert with the new print of Raiders of the Lost Ark inside an ark, and the kids as their prisoners]

Tweek (from atop a cliff looking down upon the entourage in the canyon): Hello!
Spielberg: The kid? The Tweeked-eye kid?!
Tweek (leveling a bazooka): I'm gonna blow up the print, Spielberg.
Spielberg: Your persistence surprises even me.
Coppola: Surely you don't think you can escape from this premiere.
Tweek: That depends on how reasonable we're all going to be. All I want are my friends.
Cartman: Wow!
Tweek: Except for Cartman. You can keep him!
Cartman: Hey!
Coppola: And if we refuse?
Tweek: Then your premiere has no movie.
Spielberg (shoves his entourage away from the ark): Yeah, OK, stand back, stand back, stand back, back. OK, kid, you win. Blow it up.
Spielberg (steals a walkie-talkie from one of the men who attempts to guard the ark and holds the men off): Drop! Drop!
Spielberg: Blow it back to God. All your life has been in persuit of seeing a great film. This new version of Raiders has digital effects beyond your wildest dreams. You want to see it screened just as much as I.

[Tweek struggles with himself as he comes to realize Spielberg is right]

Kyle: Come on, Tweek, blow it up!
Spielberg: Son, we are simply passing through history. This...is improved history.

[Everybody stare at Tweek]

Spielberg (moves away from the ark): Do as you will.

[Tweek gives up and lowers his bazooka. He's immediately captured by walkie-talking-wielding men]


[The premiere of the new print of Raiders of the Lost Ark is about to start. The imprisoned kids are chained to polls in the back]

Spielberg (wearing a priest's clothes): "Afa Malefy!"
Spielberg: Thanks for coming, everyone.

[Spielberg's men open the ark and present the new print to the crowd]

Spielberg: This is the birth of the new version of Raiders of the Lost Ark. We shall screen it here and then destroy all the old prints in celebration.
Crowd: Hooray!
Spielberg: Begin the film!

[The new print of Raiders of the Lost Ark stars playing; the imprisoned kids are chained to polls in the back]

Crowd: Wow!
Stan: You guys, close your eyes. Don't look at it!
Tweek: What?!
Stan: Don't watch the movie, guys, it will be terrible! Close your eyes!

[The kids close their eyes]

Crowd: Oh!
Spielberg: It's beautiful!

[Indiana Jones reaches the temple at the beginning of the movie, but is attacked by Ewoks instead of Native Americans]

Crowd Member: Wait a minute, this version is awful!
Another Crowd Member: Yeah, they ruined it!
Yet Another Crowd Member: Oh my God, it's terrible!

[Suddenly Lucas, Coppola, and Spielberg start screaming and the movie starts shooting rays at the crowd, killing all of them. Then the faces of Lucas, Coppola, and Spielberg melt or explode. Finally, the print throws itself back into the ark and closes it. Just then the kids open their eyes]

Stan: Yeah, you guys OK?
Kyle: Yeah, I think so.
Cartman (observing the dead bodies everywhere): Man, that new version must have sucked balls.

Tweek: The original prints of Raiders of the Lost Ark. What if somebody else takes them and tries to change them?
Stan: Don't worry, Tweek, it's somewhere safe. Somewhere where...nobody will ever find them.

[The episode ends as we see an old man placing the original prints inside a box, which he then places inside a warehouse for 9/11 relief funds]


Tweek: I'm gonna blow up the print, Spielberg!
Spielberg: Your pesistence surprises even me.
Coppola: Surely you don't think you can escape from this premiere.
Tweek: That depends on how reasonable we're all willing to be. All I want are my friends.
Cartman: Wow.
Tweek: Except for Cartman--you can keep him.
Cartman: EY!

Bebe's Boobs Destroy Society [6.10]

Cartman: I wanna pla-a-a-a-a-a-a-y!

Bebe's Mother: Part of being a woman is having a friend one day and calling her a slut the next.

Bebe: Mom, what's six times eight?
Bebe's Mother: Oh sweetie, those are two completely different numbers.

Bebe: Having boobs sucks.

Wendy: Slut! *cough cough* Slut!

Butters: Eew! They're all hard and oogy!

Cartman: [the boys are discussing who to kick out of their group] So Kyle, I want to tell you it's been very fun and we're gonna miss you.
Kyle: Me?! But I've been here from the beginning.
Cartman: And it's sad to see you go. Maybe you can make friends with the kids down the road. (Pulls out 2 containers containing a watch and peanuts) Here's a watch and some peanuts. Three cheers for Kyle! Hip hip...
Stan: (angrily) Dude, we're not kicking Kyle out.
Cartman: [whining] Pleeeeeeease?
Stan: No.
Cartman: All right, then I guess we have no choice--(turns to Tweek) but to let you go, Tweek, I want to say you've been great filling in as a fourth friend and we're gonna miss you. (moves the watch and peanuts to Tweek's side) Here's a watch and some peanuts.
Kyle: No way, dude, Tweek's cool.
Stan: Yeah!
Cartman: Well, dumb-asses, how are we gonna make room for Bebe?
(The next day)
Bebe: Thanks for inviting me to ride the bus with you this morning.
Cartman: (furiously, as he's obviously been kicked out of the group) Oh, that's fine! That's fine! Fuck you, Kyle, and fuck you, Stan! (walks away, then comes back) Fuck you, Tweek! ( walks offstage, then comes back) Bebe, you're still cool. (walks off, seething)

Cartman: What a stupid bitch.

Child Abduction Is Not Funny [6.11]

[The boys are standing at the bus stop with their parents right behind them]

Stan: Dude. This is worse than ChildTracker.
Mr. Tweek: It's OK, boys, just act as if we weren't here.
Mrs. Marsh: Right, do what you would normally do.
Kyle: (awkwardly) You're such a fatass, Cartman.
Cartman: (just as awkwardly) At least I'm not a stupid Jew.
Sheila: What-what-what?!

Mr. Mackey: Now, who can tell me when the first moon landing took place? Uh, how about you, Clyde?
Clyde's Dad: Nineteen-sixty--
Mr. Mackey: No helping!

Mr. Mackey: I'm not really sure having all the parents here is a good idea, m'kay?
Mr. Tweek: Well, maybe things would be better if we could trust people like the Stotches!
Chris Stotch: Us? Your family's always been the shifty-eyed ones!
Mr. Tweek: Oh yeah? [all the parents argue]

Tuong Lu Kim: Goddamn Mongorians! Stop tearing down my shitty wall!

Tuong Lu Kim: Oh, I get it. Just because I Chinese, you think I build wall? That i' bullshit! I'm not stereotype, OK?! Just because I'm Chinese doesn't mean I go around building wall! I'm just a normal person rike all o'you! I eat ahrice and drive ahreary srow, just rike the rest o'you! I'm not stereotype!

Tuong Lu Kim:When those Mongorians come next time, I pour this sweet and sour pork on their heads. Ha ha, sweet and sour pork so hot and sticky, Mongorians stick ahright up to the wall! And scream "Uh-wo-o-o!" Oh I can't wait.

Parents: [in protest] Rabble, rabble, rabble, rabble!

Mr. Mackey: Mom, Dad, could you please leave me alone?
Mr. Mackey's Dad: We just want to make sure no one hurts you, Junior, m'kay?
Mr. Mackey: M'kay.

News Reporter: And so the residents of Manhattan are prepared to evacuate if Ms. Clinton's ass gets any bigger.

Stan:: [After their parents send them to live outside of South Park] Dude, sometimes I think our parents are really stupid.

Stan:: [muttering] Jesus Christ. They've done some stupid crap before, but...Jesus Christ!

A Ladder to Heaven [6.12]

Mr. Garrison: [nonchalantly] A ladder to heaven? That's fucking stupid.

Reporter: Do you believe in the ladder to heaven?
Fat Man: If heaven is an 8-year-old boy and the ladder is my penis--[the cameraman steers away, but the fat man tries to get back on screen]--and the pearly gates are the--[static]

Fat Man: If heaven is an 8-year-old boy and my penis were the United States [cameraman steers away]-hard nipples! [cut to anchor]
Anchor: Damn it. [holds up static screen and imitates static]

Kyle: Dude, what the hell's wrong with you?
Cartman: I don't know! It's like my brain just keeps...jacking off.
Kyle: Maybe you've got brain cancer.
Cartman: You think?!
Stan: Don't get cancer on the ladder, Cartman! You're gonna fall off and break it.

Alan Jackson:
Where were you when they built the ladder to heaven?
Did it make you feel like cryin'
Or did you think it was kinda gay?
Well I, for one, believe in the ladder to heaven.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah… 9/11.
I said 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, Ni-hi, hi-hine…
…Eleven.

Alan Jackson: (in voice more high-pitched than his singing voice) You little bastards ruined my latest song! [smashes guitar]

[During flashback.]
Cartman(singing): In the ghetto, in the ghetto. He's a boy wearing orange who's losing his pride, 'cause Kenny and his whole family reside in the ghetto, in the ghetto.
Kenny: Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!
Cartman: What did you say?!
Kenny: I said, shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!
Cartman: What did you say?!
[After flashback.]
Cartman: Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina! [comes to] Did I just call myself a blood-belching vagina?

Cartman: Maybe the reason we're not getting to heaven is because one of us is a J-O-O.
Kyle: What does my being Jewish have to do with us not getting into heaven?

Cartman: I've never heard the words "only" and "candy" in the same sentence before.

The Return of the Fellowship of the Ring to the Two Towers

[The South Parkers are role-playing "Lord of the Rings" as they walk down a street. They pass another group of kids.]
Kid 1: I shall put a magic spell on you!
Kid 2: I blocked your spell, wizard.
Kyle: Hey, what are you guys doing?
Kid 1: We're playing Harry Potter!
[Slight pause]
Cartman: HA! Fags!

Gerald Broflovski and Chris Stotch: Backdoor Sluts 9?!?!
Linda Stotch: What's that?
Chris: Honey, Backdoor Sluts 9 makes Crotch Capers 3 look like Naughty Nurses 2!
Gerald: It is the single most disgusting, twisted piece of porn ever made.
Sheila Broflovski: [lightly slapping Gerald] And how would you know?
Gerald: I...uh... read about it in People.

Mr. Black: All right, Token, we know you must be very confused about what you saw.
Randy Marsh: Yes, uh, you see, Token, that was called a pornographic film. It shows adult men and adult women having sexual intercourse. Well, you, you see, when a man and a woman fall in love, the man puts his penis in the woman's vagina. It's called lovemaking and it's part of being in love.
Token: And when the woman has four penises in her at the same time, then stands over the men and pees on them, is that part of being in love, too? Five midgets, spanking a man covered in Thousand Island dressing...is that making love?
Mr. Black: Jesus, what kind of porno was that?

Jimmy: (To advancing 6th-graders) YOU SHALL NOT PAAAHHH.... YOU SHALL NOT PPPPAA....YOU SHALL NOT P...(He gets run over.)...p...p...pass.

Cartman: Go ahead and play Harry Butthole Pussy Potter!

The Death Camp of Tolerance [6.14]

Mr. Garrison: I was informed that fourth-graders are a little too old for Mr. Hat.
Kyle: TWO-year-olds are too old for Mr. Hat!
Mr. Garrison: But it's OK because I found a new teacher's assistant. Say hello to...Mr. Slave.
Mr. Slave: Hi kids. Hm.
Mr. Garrison: So that's Mr. Slave. The teacher's assistant. Or, as I like to write for short, the Teacher's Ass.
Cartman: (whispering to Craig) Yo, I think that Mr. Slave guy's a...Pakistani.

Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just throw a paper airplane?
Cartman: No, it was Kenny!
Mr. Garrison: Very funny, Eric. Kenny's dead!

Cartman: I'm not fat, I have a different life choice.

Mr. Garrison: Say, Mr Slave...
Mr. Slave: Yes, Mr Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: I had a dream last night that you were a real dick.
Mr. Slave: Really? Why would you dream that I was being an asshole?
Mr. Garrison: No, no. I was the asshole.

(school board start applauding, muttering how courageous he is, while the parents exchange shocked and horrified glances)

Mr Garrison: (slightly non-plussed) Uh, I'm very happy to receive this award, but you know what makes me even happier? Sucking balls.

(school board applaud again)

Mr Garrison: (whispering to Mr. Slave) It's not working. Sing your song, Mr. Slave...
Mr Slave: (singing) I've got a little (stops singing) ooh, ooh ow, Jesus Christ, what the hell's happening in there?

(In Mr. Slave's stomach)

Frog King: (to Lemmiwinks, who's on a gyroscope) Hang on, Lemmiwinks! You solved the Catata Fish's riddle, now your trials are nearly through!

(back up top)

Mr Slave: Aagh! I should never have shoved those poor animals up my ass! (school board applaud again)
School Board Member: Courageous.
Another School Board Member: So courageous.
Mr Garrison: (finally losing his temper) Goddammit, don't you people get it?! I'm trying to get fired here!!

Cartman: I'll take three lunches today, please.
Chef: You don't need three lunches, Eric! You're fat enough as it is!
Cartman: It is my life choice, Chef, and if you don't tolerate it I'll report you to the SEC.

Cartman: Tolerance kicks ass!
[Everyone laughs.]
Randy Marsh: That's our Cartman.

Mr. Slave: [lisping] Oh Jesuth Chrith!

Tour Guide: Now, you boys have probably called this young man names like "tubby" or "lardbutt" or "fat tits"--
Kyle: Ooh, fat tits, that's a good one.
Stan: Yeah, we'll have to remember that.

The Biggest Douche in the Universe [6.17]

TV Announcer: Rob Schneider derp de derp. Derp de derpity derpie derp. Until one day, a-derp a-derp a-derp a-derp. Derp de derp, de tittaly tum. From the creators of "DER" and "TUM TA TITTALY TUM TA TOO", Rob Schneider is: "DA DERP DEE DERP DA TEETLEY DERPEE DERPEE DUMB." Rated PG-13.

John Edward: But, I'm a psychic.
Stan: No, dude. You're a douche.
John Edward: I'm not a douche. What if I really believed dead people talk to me?
Stan: Then, you're a stupid douche.
John Edward: I think I've had enough of your bullying me. Get out of my house or I'll run upstairs, lock myself in my panic room and call the police.
Stan: I'm 9 years old.
John Edward: I'm not talking to your friend and I'm not a douche! [runs upstairs] You better get out of my house or I'm gonna call the police!
Stan: You are so a douche! I'm nominating you for the Biggest Douche in the Universe award, you douche!

John Edward: You better not call me a liar, a fake, or a douche, or else I'll sue you for slander!
Stan: I am saying this to you, John Edward. You are a liar. You are a fake. And you are the biggest douche ever.
John Edward: Everything I tell people is positive and gives them hope! How does that make me a douche?
Stan: Because the big questions in life are tough! "Why are we here?" "Where are we from?" "Where are we going?" But as long as people believe in asshole douchey liars like you, we're never going to find the answers to those questions. You aren't just lying, you're slowing down the progress of all mankind, you douche!

TV Announcer: Rob Schneider was an animal. Then he was a woman. And now Rob Schneider is a stapler! And he's about to find out that being a stapler is harder than it looks. Rob Schneider is "The Stapler". Rated PG-13.

John Edward: Now I'm hearing a P-word, maybe a Per.
Woman: My Harry died last year.
John Edward: Oh, it's coming from here, I'm getting all kinds of voices today, whoo!
John Edward: Now Harry, he's telling me, oh, well he's telling me you two used to do things
Woman: (nods)
John Edward: And that those things involved stuff?
Woman: They did involve stuff, yes!
Audience: Ah, yes!

TV Announcer: Rob Schneider is a Wall Street executive who has everything going for him. Only problem is, he's about to become a carrot!
Rob Schneider: I'm a carrot!
TV Announcer: It's 24-"carrot" comedy! Rob Schneider is "A Carrot"! Rated PG-13.

TV Announcer: Rob Schneider is a somewhat popular comedic actor, who seemed to have it all. Until one day, he came across a pot roast *record scratch* and his life changed forever. Now, he's sharing his body with an 8-year-old boy! And he's about to find out that being 8 ain't so great. Rob Schneider is "Kenny!" Rated PG-13.

Chef's Dad: {in the middle of exorcising Kenny from Cartman} Goddammit! The spirit's out and it don't have nowhere to go!
Chef's Mom: Lord, Thomas! Don't let it get on the curtains!

Cartman: Hey, guys! How's it goin'?
Chef: Cartman?
Stan: No, that's Kenny.
Cartman: What the hell are you assholes doing here?
Stan: That's Cartman.

Chef's Dad: Well, I guess the child's a pot roast now.

[After watching a Rob Schneider trailer]

Stan and Kyle: Weak!!

Cartman: (laughing) That was Kenny laughing, not me.


[Leaving a John Edward show]
Chef: Man, I can't believe I got fooled by that asshole!
Stan: He seemed a lot better on TV?
Chef: ...Yeah.

My Future Self n' Me [6.18]

Butters: Wait right here, Stan, I warn you, you may not like what you see.
[Butters goes into the closet.]
Stan: We have to teach our parents a lesson. Show them they can't play with our emotions like that.
[Butters comes out of the closet, dressed as Professor Chaos]
Butters: Hahahahahahaaa!!. Now you know my terrible secret!!.
Stan: You're gay? It's fine if you're gay, Butters, I don't care.
Butters: Huh? No, I'm Professor Chaos!

Butters: Ooh, are we off on an adventure?

Cartman: Oh, wow, really? That's so awesome. Now I'll really work to be successful!
Future Cartman: Right on!
Cartman: Go have sex with yourself, asshole! I'm not that stupid! Just for that, I'm gonna spend my whole childhood eating what I want, and doing drugs when I want! What-evah, I'll do what I want!
[The future Cartman turns into a fat mechanic.]
Future Cartman: Goddammit!!!

Cartman: Have you seen the poop swatches?

Butters: All he ever does is watch "Becker," and that show is so stupid.

Stan: I've been told a lot of things about pot, but I've come to find out a lot of those things aren't true! So I don't know what to believe!
Randy: Well, Stan, the truth is marijuana probably isn't gonna make you kill people, and...it most likely isn't gonna fund terrorism, but...Well, son, pot makes you feel fine with being bored and...It's when you're bored that you should be learning some new skill or discovering some new science or...being creative. If you smoke pot you may grow up to find out that you aren't good at anything!
Stan: I really, really wish you just would have told me that from the beginning!

Red Sleigh Down [6.19]

Cartman: Isn't there anything I can do?!
Kyle 2: If you cured cancer and AIDS next week, you would still owe two presents.
Carman: Jesus Christ!

[Jesus hands up, is talking to two Iraqis]
Jesus: Yea, look upon me and know me. My children, you should know something.
[A knife comes out of Jesus's sleeve.]
Jesus: I'm packing!
[Jesus stabs one Iraqi with the knife with one hand and kills the other with a silenced handgun.]

Santa: [to an Iraqi] I'm gonna fucking kill you!
Iraqi: You're not in the position to kill anyone. I just want you to tell me America's plan.
Santa: Then we're in for a long night, 'cause I don't know shit!

Santa: I just couldn't do it. (camera flashes onto dead Iraqi) I couldn't let him live. He shocked Santa's balls!

Santa: Christmas is a very special time of year, but this year it almost didn't happen. There's a man named Jesus who gave his life to save me. And so I declare that every year on Christmas Day. we should remember Jesus for what he did, and thank him for it. From now on, Christmas will be a day for remembering a brave man named Jesus.

[Kenny reappears after being dead for the whole sixth season]
Kenny: Hey, guys what's going on?
Stan: Oh, hey, Kenny.
Kyle: Hey, dude, where have you been?
Kenny: Over there...(points to his right)

Season 7

I'm A Little Bit Country [7.1]

[breaking the fourth wall during a performance of "I'm A Little Bit Country"]
Randy: Well, goodnight everybody. It sure has been great bringing you a hundred episodes.
Skeeter: We want to thank our guests, the pro-war people and the anti-war people.
Stan: What the hell are they doing now?
Kyle: [.facepalming.] Ah, I don't know.
Everybody: For the war, against, the war, who cares!? One hundred episodes! [Randy and Skeeter dance on stage as they finish the song]
Kyle: I hate this town. I really, really do.

Krazy Kripples [7.2]

Jimmy: Look! My gang, which I can't talk about because it's super secret, is the most important thing to me now! And if you two don't like it, you can just pass the blunt to the nigga on your left.

TV reporter:"...if irony were made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now."

Toilet Paper [7.3]


Grocery Clerk: You know, son, I remember you coming in last week and buying this much toilet paper.
Cartman: Oh yeah, that's right.
Grocery Clerk: Toilet paper, toilet paper...
Kyle: You TP'd a house last week, Cartman?
Cartman: No, last Thursday night was Fajitas night.
Kyle: Oh… ewww!

Cartman: (After luring Kyle onto a boat with him and rowing them to the middle of a pond, Cartman sneaks up behind Kyle and hits him in the head with a wiffle bat. It bounces off his hat.)
Kyle: Ow! What the hell are you doing, Cartman?
Cartman: I'm killing you. Unfortunately I could only afford a wiffle bat so this may take a while. (hits him again.)

Josh: Tell me something first. When you went to the academy you had something to prove—you wanted to protect and serve but mostly you just wanted to protect yourself. Who were you protecting yourself from, Officer Barbrady?
Officer Barbrady: Alright! Alright! My uncle Charles used to hit me with a belt!

Guard: Josh, were you doing the silly voice for the policeman again?
Josh: [in a normal, high-pitched voice] No sir.

Josh: Your uncle who hit you with a belt, was he a large man?
Officer Barbrady: I don't have time for this, kid.
Josh: Did he stink like beer when he came home from work, all tired from playin' down at the pool house?
Officer Barbrady: All right, all right! My dad dressed me up like a little girl on poker nights and made me sit on all my uncles' laps!! [breaks down into sobs]
Josh: [in a normal voice] ...Whoa. Er...oh. Thank you.

Principal Victoria: Will you people stop barging into my office, please?
Josh: What's the matter Principal Victoria? Was your mother abusive? Did she spank your thighs with cold cuts and stick umbrellas up your ass?

Stan: You'd better go over our story again so we don't screw it up
Cartman: Okay, last night all four of us were at the bowling alley until about 7:30 at which time we noticed Ally Sheedy the goth chick from The Breakfast Club who was bowling in the lane next to us when we asked her for her autograph but she didn't have a pen so we followed her out to her car but on the way we were accosted by five Scientologists who wanted to give us all personality tests which were administered at the Scientology Center in Denver until 10:45 at which time we accidentally boarded the wrong bus home and ended up in Ranchas des Fritas Rojes South of Castle Rock and finally got a ride home from a man who was missing his left index finger named Gary Bushwell arriving home at 11:46.
Kyle: I'm confused; did Ally Sheedy take the personality test?
Stan: Yes, dude!

Cancelled [7.4]

All:[singing] School Days, School Days, Teachers Golden Rule Da-
[Ike hops onscreen.]
Kyle: Aw, damn it!
Stan: What?
Kyle: My god damn brother is trying to follow me to school again!
Ike: Suck my balls.
Kyle: No Ike, you can't come to school with me.
Cartman: Yeah, go home, you little dildo!
Kyle: Dude, for the last time, don't call my brother a dildo!
Cartman: Alright, go home, you little semen-puking asshole dick head.
[Stan, Kenny and Cartman laugh.]
[Kyle picks up Ike and hits Cartman.]
Stan: Dude! Sweet!
Kyle: Yeah. Check it out! Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike: Don't kick the god damn baby!
Kyle: Kick it!
[Kyle kicks Ike.]

Najix: Well, you don't think the whole universe works the way Earth does, do you? No! One species, one planet! There's a planet of deer, a planet of Asians, and so on! We put them all together on Earth and the whole universe tunes in to watch the fun!

Joozian 2: You've made it to a hundred episodes, you should be proud!
Joozian 1: Yeah, a show should never go past a hundred episodes, or else it starts to get stale with ridiculously stupid plotlines and settings.

Stan: Dude, I have no idea what we're seeing right now, but I have a feeling it's really, really wrong.

Joozian 1: Oh man, I can't believe I sucked your jagon.
Joozian 2: Oh God, we did suck each others jagons!

Chef: He's a doctor who specializes in your asshole, children.
Stan: You mean, at one point in this guy's life, he decided he wanted to work up people's buttholes?
Chef: That's right!
Kyle: What a dick!

Fat Butt and Pancake Head [7.5]

Jennifer Lopez: How the fuck did I end up working at a La Taco?! I had six platinum records and starred in five Hollywood movies!
Mexican Guy: Yeah, me too.

Record Dude: She's from Mexico, just like you.
Jennifer Lopez: I ain't from no Mexico! I'm Puerto Rican!

Cartman: Mom-m-m, Ben Affleck is naked in my bed!

Cartman: Repeat after me, Jennifer Lopez.
Ms. Lopez: Hennifer Lopez.
Cartman: No no, Jeh.
Ms. Lopez: Heh.

Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez): You can suck my culo, chica!

Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez): Hola, bichola!

Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez): Ben! You bought me roses!
Ben Affleck: Jenny, oh Jenny, I just can't stop thinking about you.
Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez): I can't stop thinking about you either Ben!
Ben Affleck: I've been meaning to write a song or a poem, but I have no talent.

Kyle: Cartman, who in the world is Mitch Conner?
Cartman: Look, I don't care what you guys believe. But with all the crazy stuff that goes on in this town, isn't it possible, just possible, that something I don't understand happened here?
Kyle: All right, all right. I guess it's kind of possible--
Cartman: Ha ha ha! I got you, kind of! I got you, kind of!

Lil' Crime Stoppers [7.6]

[the boys unsuccessfully tried to bust men at a meth lab; the men kill themseves and a lot of damage has been done]
Lt. Dawson: One UPS vehicle valued at twenty-five thousand dollars, one civilian vehicle valued at sixteen thousand, the second floor of the post office and a coffee shop valued at sixteen thousand! The mayor's gonna have my ass!
Stan: Uh, sir, we just kinda got blind-sided by the--
Dawson: You got careless! Now, I don't know how they do things down at that dog-and-pony show they call the fourth grade, but here, we have rules! Jesus, we don't have guys to question now, because you killed them all!
Kyle: We're sorry.
Dawson: One more slip-up like that and I'll have your badges! You hear me?! Now hit the showers!

[the boys are in the locker room, preparing to shower. Four guys, who appear to be cops themselves, are also changing their clothes]
Officer Murphy: Well, well, well, if it isn't the super cops.
[The officers begin to giggle]
Officer Jenkins: Hey, Murphy, think they'll let me borrow their G.I. Joes?
Officer Hopkins: Come on, you guys. Leave them alone.
Officer Murphy: Relax, Hopkins! (He removes his briefs and drops them to the ground) All fun and games, right? (He moves to the end of the lockers and hides behind it, only to peek out) So, tell us, rookies, you, uh, find yourself a little bonus in that house?
Cartman: Uh, bonus?
Murphy: Come on, we all skim a little off the top. Oh, or are you too good for that? (He walks back to the other officers) So you think you're gonna waltz in here and clean up the system. Is that it?
Stan: [softly] We just wanna be junior detectives.
Murphy: Look, we all work hard! And we deserve more than the thirty-thousand a year we get paid! So what if we take in a little on the side?
Officer Jenkins: Yeah! Who the hell are you to say that?!
Officer Hopkins: I said, back off, Murphy!
Officer Murphy: Why don't you and your rookie friends make us?
Officer Jenkins: That's right. Come on, bring it!
Officer 3: Yeah, let's go! Come on, bring it!
Lt. Dawson: What the hell is the problem here?!
Officer Murphy: No problem, sir. No problem at all.
Dawson: Then hit the showers, all of ya!

Red Man's Greed [7.7]

Randy: Stanley, listen to me . I have SARS. There's only a 98% percent chance that I will live.
Stan: No Dad, No!
Randy: Listen Stan! SARS is destroying our people. The Native Americans put it in the blankets they gave us. Soon there will be only 98% of us left.

Randy: The spirit of middle-class white people is strong in you, son.

Randy: There's more to life than profits.
Indian Chief: Really, Like what?
Randy: You know, like Slurpees and stuff.

Randy: Ah women. God I hate them.

Cartman: Man, Indians have it good, huh?
Randy: Now Eric, they're called Native Americans, remember? Show some respect.
indian chief. sorry there are no minors allowed on the casino floor.
cartman. im not a miner dumbass, do you see a shovel in my hand?

South Park Is Gay! [7.8]

Cartman: Oh please, Craig, we're 10 times gayer than you are!

Cartman: Look, guys. A lot of the kids in school are talking and they are spreading rumors that we're not metro-sexuals because we hang out with Kyle.
Stan: Well what can we do about it?
Cartman: We have no choice guys. We're just going to have to kill Kyle.

Mr. Garrison:Eric, you're not half bi.
Cartman: I'm like a quarter bi. My grandpa was bi so that makes me a quarter bi.
Mr. Garrison: What?!

Mr. Garrison: Mr. Tweek, why don't we go back to my place.
Mr. Tweek: Why?
Mr. Garrison: Well, you know. I was just thinking we could put on some music and watch videos and pound Mr. Slave's tight little ass.
Mr. Slave: Oooh. Jesus Christ!
Mr. Tweek: Whoa! Goodness no. I'm straight.
Mr. Garrison: Straight? What the hell is going on here? Why won't anybody pound Mr. Slave's butt?
Randy: Well, we don't 'pound butt', Mr. Garrison, we're straight.
Mr. Garrison: Those pants and those shoes say you pound butt!
Jimbo: Hey, now that's not true. My shoes don't say I pound butt.
Mr. Garrison: No, your shoes say you take it in the butt!

Mr. Garrison: Chef, what did you do when white people stole your culture?
Chef: Oh, well, we black people just always tried to stay out in front of them.
Mr. Slave: How did you do that?
Chef: Well, like with our slang. Black people always used to say, "I'm in the house" instead of "I'm here." But then white people all started to say "in the house" so we switched it to "in the hizzouse." Hizzouse became hizzizzouse, and then white folk started saying that, and we had to change it to hizzie, then "in the hizzle" which we had to change to "hizzle fo shizzle," and now, because white people say "hizzle fo shizzle," we have to say "flippity floppity floop."
Mr. Garrison: We don't have time for all that, Chef! Oh, if only those Queer Eye For the Straight Guy people understood what they were doing. Wait. That's it! I know exactly what to do! Come on, Mr. Slave! Let's get back to our flippity floppity floop.
Chef: Oh no! Damn it! Don't call it that!

Crab People: We are the Crab People!
Mr. Slave: Jesus Christ!

All Crab People: Crab People! Crab People!
Crab Person: Taste like crab, talk like people.
All Crab People: Crab People! Crab People!

Cartman, Stan, Kenny:We're here! We're not queer! But we're close! Get use to it!

Christian Rock Hard [7.9]

Stan: You don't know anything about Christianity, Cartman!
Cartman: I know enough to exploit it.

Cartman: Token, how many times do we have to go through this? You're black, you can play bass.
Token: I'm gettin' sick of your stereotypes.
Cartman: Be as sick as you want, just gimme a god damn bass line.
Token: (Playing a bass melody) God damn it.

Cartman: Butters, remind me later to cut your balls off.

Sergeant Yates: Man must learn to think of these horrible outcomes before he acts selfishly or else--I fear--recording artists will be forever doomed to a life of only semi-luxury.

Cartman: [singing]
Don't ever leave me, Jesus. I couldn't stand to see you go
My heart would simply snap, my Lord, if you walked on out that door
I promise I'll be good to you, and keep you warm at night
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, why don't we just shut off the lights

Cartman: [singing]
I wanna get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus
I wanna feel his salvation all over my face

TV Reporter: When asked if MOOP's strike will stop them from illegaly downloading music, 1% said "yes". 2% said "no". And, 97% said "Who the hell is MOOP?" Back to you, Tom.

James Hetfield (of Metallica): We're going to protest until music dowloading stopsah.

Cartman: Oh, fuck Jesus! [Faith + 1's fans gasp; a woman screams]
Butters: Eric, I'm pretty sure you shouldn't say the "F" word about Jesus.
Token: Yeah, you're gonna hurt the band.
Cartman: Who fucking cares, Token?! I can never beat Kyle now! I'll say it again: FUCK JESUS!! [people start to scream and run away]
Man: My ears are bleeding!
Token: Good job, dick head, you've lost the entire audience!!
Cartman: Oh, fuck you, Token, you black asshole!!!

[Token angrily beats up Cartman and walks away while Stan, Kyle, and Kenny see Cartman coughing in pain]

Stan: Hmm, guess he got what he deserved. [he, Kyle, & Kenny walk away]
Butters: [pauses for a moment, then farts in Cartman's face and gives him the finger] Fuck you, Eric! [walks away, leaving Cartman all alone]

Gerald: The answer is no, Kyle.
Kyle: Oh, come on, dad, stop being such a Jew!
Sheila: Kyle! Don't belittle your own people.

Randy: Stan, are you okay?
Stan: Yeah dad, we're just rehearsing our band.
Randy: Ohh. I thought a group of Vietnamese people were getting their intestines pulled out through their mouths. *closes door*

Grey Dawn [7.10]

Stan: I think old people should have rights, grandpa. I just don't want to die.

Randy: Oh, brother. Good job, dad. Look at you now.
Grandpa Marsh: Oh, goddammit! Don't you lecture me, you son of a bitch!
Randy: You just had to be so damn stubborn, didn't you?
Grandpa Marsh: Now my son is gonna talk to me like I'm 12!
Randy: We're not treating you like children, Dad, alright. Now I think you owe Mr. Police Officer an apology. Who needs to apologize, hmmm? Who's a Sorry Sorry?
Grandpa Marsh: Kiss my sagging ass!

Cartman: The poor kid passes it to the Jew, the Jew shoots. He misses! Proving once and for all that Jews cannot play hockey!
Kyle: It's not fair! Cartman's fatter than the goal!
Cartman: I'm not fat, I just have a sweet hockey body.

Stan: Dad, why is everyone letting the old people do this? Why doesn't somebody stop them?
Randy: They've tried to stop them, son, but the seniors get up so early in the morning they ... get everything done before everyone else is even awake.
Kyle: They're saying something about taking over the whole country!
Randy: Yes... And now seeing how early they get up, I don't see how anyone can stop them. Wait a minute! You boys! You get up almost as early as they do. You can fight them.
Stan: No, come on dad! Can't you guys do it?
Randy: No, son, we... like to sleep in.

Randy: Son! Avenge me! Aveeeeenge... meeeh!!!!"

Casa Bonita [7.11]

Kyle: You guys! I have awesome news!
Cartman: You have AIDS?

Kyle: It's like the Disneyland of Mexican restaurants!

Stan: Dude, it's Kyle's birthday, we should do whatever he wants to do.
Cartman: What? Fuck Kyle!

Butters: But Eric, how am I supposed to re-populate the Earth?
Cartman: You know like, with your wiener.
Butters: With my wiener?!

(Cartman comes to Kyle's house dressed in a nice sweater)
Kyle: That isn't it, Cartman.
Cartman: What isn't it?
Kyle: That isn't being nice, that's just putting on a nice sweater.
Cartman: I don't understand the difference.
Kyle: I know you don't.
(Kyle closes the door)

Kyle: At least he (Butters) doesn't rip on me for being a jew
Cartman: When have i ever rip on you for being a Jew?

*Flashbacks clips occur from when Cartman "rips" on Kyle for being Jewish

Cartman: Okay, except maybe for that one time.

Police Officer: Well kid you made an entire town panic, you lost all of your friends and now you're going to Juvenile Hall for a week. Was it all worth it?
Cartman: ...Totally.

All About the Mormons? [7.12]

Mr. Garrison: Wow, it seems like I don't have a class full of retards anymore, doesn't it, children?

Kyle: Dude, that new kid is such a douche.
Cartman: Yeah, somebody needs to put him in his place.
Butters: He's a pecker-face, that's what he is.
Cartman: Go kick his ass, Stan!
Clyde: Yeah, go kick his ass.
Stan: (unsure) W—maybe he won't fight.
Cartman: Will he bleed? That's all we care about.
Kyle: Come on, dude, somebody needs to wipe that fuckin' smirk off his face.
Craig: Yeah, little bitch!
Stan: Alright, I'm gonna go kick his ass.
[Stan leaves to do so.]
Cartman: Yeah, go Stan! Go Stan! …alright, I've got five bucks on the other kid, who wants in?

Cartman: You were supposed to kick his ass, not lick his butthole!

Gary's sister: And you must be Stan's sister! Oh, I think your brother's the greatest!
Shelley: My brother is a stupid turd!

Gary: Hey, Stan.
Stan: Oh, brother.
Cartman: Uh oh, the jilted lover returns!
Gary: Listen, I just wanted to let you know you don't have to worry about me trying to be your friend anymore.
Stan: ...I don't?
Gary: Look, maybe us Mormons do believe in crazy stories that make absolutely no sense. And maybe Joseph Smith did make it all up. But I have a great life and a great family and I have the Book of Mormon to thank for that. The truth is, I don't care if Joseph Smith made it all up. Because what the church teaches now is loving your family, being nice and helping people. And even though people in this town might think that's stupid, I still choose to believe in it. All I ever did was try to be your friend, Stan, but you're so high and mighty you couldn't look past my religion and just be my friend back. You got a lot of growing up to do, buddy. Suck my balls.
[Gary leaves. Stan just stands and stares in shock at what just happened.]
Cartman: Damn, that kid is cool, huh?

Randy: Let me handle this, Sharon. You gotta put these cult people in their place or else they never stop! I'm gonna go kick this Mr. Harrison's ass! [exits and slams the door shut, but quickly returns] Is Mr. Harrison... is a... Is a white guy, right?

Butt Out [7.13]

Cartman: He just goes around imposing his will on people, he's my idol.

Cartman: Handle it? For two billion dollars I'd handle my grandpa's balls, dude.

Cartman: Wow, it's like smoking brings a lot of people just a little bit of joy, and you get to take that away from them! You're awesome.

Factory Worker 1 (singing): I like to have a cigarette every now and then. It makes me feel calmer when the day is at an end.
Factory Worker 2 singing): And if it gives me cancer when I'm 80, I don't care. Who the hell wants to be 90 anyway?

Rob Reiner: I'm not Rita Poon, I'm Rob Reiner. And you've just been Reiner'd!

Rob Reiner: My gooooo!! My precious goo!!!

Raisins [7.14]

Bebe: Wendy breaks up.
Stan: What?
Bebe: Wendy breaks up with you.
Stan: Whoa, whoa, wait a minute! What did I do wrong? I haven't even talked to Wendy for weeks!

Bebe: Whatever! You guys are assholes!
Butters: At least we have assholes you dumb girl!

Jimmy: Stan told me to tell you he thinks you're a cont…cont…cont…, you're a cont, cont, cont... [sounding like cunt]
Wendy: Well tell Stan to fuck off!
[Wendy leaves.]
Jimmy: Cont…continuing source of inspiration to him.

Butters: Well, thanks for offering to let me in your clique, guys, but, to be honest, I'd rather be a crying little pussy than a faggy Goth kid.

Goth Kid: You can't be a non-conformist if you don't drink coffee.

Goth Kid: If you want to be a non-conformist, you have to look like us, think like us, and listen to the same music we do.

Butters: I love life...Yeah, I'm sad, but at the same time, I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like...It makes me feel alive, you know. It makes me feel human. The only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I'm feeling is like a beautiful sadness.

Stan: Hey, Wendy! You're a bitch. Token, [flips him off] right here, buddy.
[Token and Wendy walk off angrily]
Kyle: Oh, dude. It's,It's good to have you back.
Stan: Yeah, let's play ball.

It's Christmas in Canada [7.15]

Harry Gints: My name is Harry Gints and this is my wife Elise. We're from Canada.
Gerald Broflovski: Yes, I can tell.

Harry Gints: It was a tough time for us. It was a tough time for all of Canada. The whole country was devastated by the cola wars...

Harry Gints: [referring to Ike] We're going to take good care of him.
Kyle: [coldly] You'd better.

Cartman: Kyle, I just want you to know, if it were any other time of year, I still wouldn't help you.

Mr. Garrison: How 'bout we get rid of all the Mexicans.
Mayor McDaniels: Mr. Garrison, every Christmas you suggest we get rid of all the Mexicans, and every Christmas we tell you, "No!"
Mr. Garrison: Rats!

Cartman: [to Kyle] You (bleep)ing asshole! This is all your fault!
Kyle: What?
Cartman: Everyone's gonna be charitable, and give money to your family instead of buying Christmas presents! You (Bleep!)king Jews ruin Christmas again! [he screams and charges Kyle. Stan and Kenny rush forward and pull him back]
Stan: Woah, woah, Cartman!
Cartman: It wasn't enough for you people to kill Jesus, now you have to kill Christmas too, huh!?

Kyle: We wanna go to Canada.
Mr. Tuong: Canada, eh? It's gonna be a rotta money! How many people?
Kyle: Four.
Mr. Tuong: OK. (Under his breath) Canada.... Four people.... Cost a rotta money.... (normal) It's gonna be 6,500 dorrer!
Kyle: How about 50 dorrer?
Mr. Tuong: Fifty dorrer?! It should be at least three thousand dorrar!
Kyle: 55 dorrer?
Mr. Tuong: I'm not sending anyone to Canada for anything less that 1,000 dorrer!
Kyle: 60 dorrer?
Mr. Tuong: 62 dorrer?
Kyle: I'll take it!
Mr. Tuang: [slight pause] Heh heh heh. Never try to barter with a Chinese man!

Mr. Twong: Hello, welcome Shitty Airline!
Cartman: Oh no, no, no, no, I am not flying in that thing.
Kenny: [muffled] Me neither.
Kyle: Why not?!
Kenny: [muffled] 'Cause, dude, I'll fucking die!
Kyle: You're not gonna die Kenny, don't be stupid!
Cartman: You guys get Ike. Kenny and I will stay here and watch the fort.
Stan: No, you're both coming. Do you care about Christmas or not?
Cartman: Of course I care about Christmas! Oh, Christ on a stick!

Kyle: All right! We're going to Canada!
Cartman: Weak.

Mr. Twong: Herro from the cockpit, this is your captain speaking. As you can see, it appears that we are going down. Now would be a good time to refrect on your life, and pray to whatever deity you believe in. Thank you for flying Shitty Airlines. We know you have a choice in airlines, and it rooks rike you made the wrong one.

Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: Alright boys, prepare yourselves. We're about to enter French Canada.
Kyle: French Canada?
French Canadians [singing] There's no Canada like French Canada, its the best Canada in the land! The other Canada is hardly Canada; if you lived here for a day, you'd understand!
Mime: Oh, ha ha! Welcome to French Canada!
Hockey Player: We have everything your heart could desire! Trapezes, trampolines, and lots and lots of cheese!
Artist: Would you like a mustache?
Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: Just stay calm, boys. French Canadians are a little odd.
Stan: Uh, we're just passing through to see the new Prime Minister.
Mime: Well first, you must answer that phone. [miming a phone call] Ring ring, ring ring.
Kyle: We don't have time for this.
Mime: You cannot pass through French Canada unless you take that phone call! [miming a phone call] Ring ring, ring ring.
Kyle: [grudgingly playing along] Hello.
Mime: Hello! If you are going to see the new Prime Minister, then I want to go with you! He has passed a new law forbidding us French Canadians to drink wine!
Artist: How can the French not drink wine?! Travestie!
Kyle: Okay, you can come with us.
Mime: Ha ha, very good! Let us make haste!
French Canadians [singing] There's no Canada like French Canada, its the best Canada in the land! And the other Canada--
Mime: --is a bullshit Canada!
French Canadians [singing] If you lived there for a day, you'd understand!
Mime: I think you'd understand. You understand.

[Scott appears suddenly]
Scott: Hey, what are you doing?!
Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: [screaming] Argh!
Mime: Oh no! It's Scott!
Scott: What are you two doing helping these Americans? Don't you know America thinks it owns Canada along with the rest of the world?!
Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: You're a dick, Scott!

Kyle: God damnit, we need to get to the new Prime Minister, now!
Steve the Newfoundlander: Oh yeah, the new Prime Minister, eh? He sure has screwed up things for Newfoundland. Life just hasn't been the same since he made sodomy illegal.

Kyle: Can we just get going please?
Steve the Newfoundlander:Yeah sure, there's just one problem.
Stan: What?
Steve the Newfoundlander:You folks is going the wrong way.
Stan: What?! But I thought there was only one road in Canada!
Steve the Newfoundlander:Yeah, and you all went the wrong direction on it.
Stan: Oh, that's right! Ottawa is that way!
Mime: Of course! Ottawa left, Newfoundland right!

Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: It's okay, boys. The power is inside us to get to Ottawa! We can wish ourselves there!
Mime: Ah yes! Lets wish ourselves there!
[harps and angelic choir music is heard]
Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: Is it working?

Steve the Newfoundlander: Of course, we could always take me boat, aye.

Saddam Hussein: [acting as the Prime Minister of Canada] Uh, don't mind that guy hiding in the spider hole, he's just my friend.

Saddam Hussein: Uh, don't shoot! I want to negotiate! Hey, relax!

Cartman: Yeah, you got your little brother back, but I didn't get any presents! And what did I tell you? (takes off his mittens) I told you if we missed Christmas that we were gonna get it on, didn't I? (takes off his coat, bunches it up, and throws it aside.)
Kyle: Dude, come on.
Cartman: Well now you're gonna get it, mother (bleep)! That's right, you and me, right now; we're having it out! Let's go! Come on! Come on! (Kyle lightly slaps Cartman, causing him to enter a daze, he snaps out of it and starts crying) Wa-a-a-a-a-a-hhhh! Waaa-a-a-a-a-hh! Mo-o-o-o-o-m! Mo-o-o-o-o-m!!

Season 8

Good Times with Weapons [8.1]

Cartman: You see, guys? This is why Jews can't be ninjas. They've got no spine.
Kyle: You don't know anything about Jews fat-ass!

[After Stan's attempt to remove the ninja star.]
Kyle: Stop, dude! You're gonna scramble his brain!
Cartman: Go ahead and scramble it, then he won't remember it was us.

[Butters changes into Professor Chaos.]
Butters: Let's see how you like dealing with me, Ninjas! Mwa Ha Ha! Ah hahaha ha!
[He stomps down the stairs while grunting and punches the wall, leaving a huge dent.]
Mrs. Stotch: Ooh, Butters. Are you going out to play again?
Butters: Yeah, Mom. I'm just going outside for a little while.
Mrs. Stotch: Well could you be a sweetie and take that pie over there to the Thompsons? I made it to thank them for babysitting you last week.
Butters: [normal voice] Oh, o-o-okay, Mom.

Jimmy: Wha-what's the matter, fellas? Are you ninjas or p-p-p-p-p-pussies?
Cartman: We're twice the ninjas you fags are!

Kyle: We were taking him to the vet until you fucked it all up! Butters!
Craig: Was he bleeding?
Cartman: (uninterested) Yeah a little. Butters!
Craig: Oh, shit. You guys are in trouble. We're out of here!
Stan: No, dude! You gotta help us find him!
Craig: To hell with that!
Cartman: We're in this together, Craig! If Butters tells on us, we're gonna tell on you; that's the ninja code!

Animal Shelter Worker: Here you go pup, I've got a sweet dose of murder for ya. [Notices the open kennel.] What the--? Blast it, he's escaped! [Sighs, moves towards another dog.] Oh well, let's murder one of these other dogs.

Chef: Well, you children should be careful with those weapons, you could put somebody's eye out.
Kyle: Yeah, we know.

Kyle: Okay, hang on guys, I'll use my special power to see into the future, and find out where we should head next.
Cartman: Hold on you guys, I actually have another power. I can see into the future too, but better than Kyle. Let me try.
Kyle: God damn it, Cartman, you can't keep making up powers!
Stan: Yeah, dude, that's like the fifth power you've come up with!
Cartman: I am Bullrog, and I have lots and lots of powers.
Kyle: No, asshole! From now on you only get to have one power! So what is it?
Cartman: I have the power to have all the powers I want.
Kyle: That doesn't count, fat ass!
Stan: Yeah, that's it, Cartman, now you don't get to have any powers!
[Cartman whines.]

Cartman: Alright, dick hole, time for you to pay! [realizes his powers don't work] Oh, no, I have no powers! Kyle took them away from me! Quick, Kyle, give me back my powers so I can fight this evil villian!
Kyle: Okay, okay, you can have your powers back!
Cartman: Alright, now I use my powers to turn Kyle into a chicken! Blam!
Kyle: [is turned into a chicken] God damn it, Cartman!
Cartman: [sing-song voice] Ha ha ha ha ha-ha, now you are a chi-cken, nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh-nyeh...

Theme song while boys are fighting.

Japanese
素晴らしい チンチンもの
金玉の毛ある
それの音 サルボボ
いいえ!忍者がいます
Hey hey let's go 喧嘩する
大切な物 protect my balls!
僕が悪い so let's fighting--
Let's fighting love! Let's fighting love!
この歌ちょっと馬鹿
わけがわからない
英語がめちゃくちゃ
大丈夫? We do it all the time!
Hey hey let's go 喧嘩する
大切な物 protect my balls!
僕が悪い so let's fighting--
Let's fighting love! Let's fighting love!
Transliteration
Subarashii chinchin mono
Kintama no kami aru
Sore no oto sarubobo
Iie! Ninja ga imasuuuuuuuu
Hey hey let's go kenka suru
Taisetsu na mono protect my balls!
Boku ga warui so let's fighting--
Let's fighting love! Let's fighting love!
Kono uta chotto baka
Wake ga wakaranai
Eigo ga mecha kucha
Daijoubu, we do it all the time!
Hey hey let's go kenka suru
Taisetsu na mono protect my balls!
Boku ga warui so let's fighting--
Let's fighting love! Let's fighting love…
English translation
I have a wonderful penis
There is hair on my balls
Is that the sound of a baby monkey * ?
No! Ninjas are here!
Hey hey let's go! Getting in a fight!
The important thing is to protect my balls!
I am badass, so let's fighting--
Let's fighting love! Let's fighting love!
This song is a little stupid
It doesn't make any sense
English is all fucked up
But that's okay, we do it all the time
Hey hey let's go! Getting in a fight!
The important thing is to protect my balls!
I am badass, so let's fighting--
Let's fighting love! Let's fighting love!
  • actually, its slang, monkey-bushy hair, meaning monkey pussy

AWESOM-O [8.2]

Kyle: Hey AWESOM-O, I'd also like some celery sticks chopped up two inches long, with peanut butter and raisins on top.
Cartman: [as AWESOM-O] Suck my balls, Kyle.

Liane: [talking to Mrs. Stotch on the phone] Actually, Eric is still supposed to be grounded for trying to exterminate the Jews two weeks ago.

Cartman: [as AWESOM-O talking to a movie executive] Adam Sandler is a guy, and he, uh, falls in love with a girl, but it turns out that she's a golden retriever.
Movie Executive It's great! We'll call it Puppy Love! Anymore?
AWESOM-O Uh, Adam Sandler is a guy who falls in love with a table.
Movie Executive Genius! We'll call it Table of Contents. God is there anything that this thing can't do?
Awesom-O Movie idea number 2305. Adam sandler is trapped on an island and he falls in love with a coconut.

Military General Mister Scientist! You are paid to think! National security is our job.

Butters: When Cartman is playing all alone in his backyard, he likes to dress up as Britney Spears and pretend he's her. He sings and dances with a life size cut-out of Justin Timberlake.
Cartman:[as AWESOM-O]...You saw that?
Butters: Yeah, and I videotaped him doing it!
Cartman:[as AWESOM-O] No way.
Butters: I got the whole thing on tape; even the making out with Justin Timberlake.
Cartman:[as AWESOM-O]Nuh-Uhhh

Up the Down Steroid [8.3]

[Cartman's just revealed his plan to pretend he's retarded to win the Special Olympics.]
Stan: Thats really, really, terrible dude!
Cartman: Terrible?! Whatever. You guys just don't have brains that can compute complex plans like mine!

Jimmy's Father: I'll leave you two alone. And Jimmy, are you sure you weren't masturbating?. Its okay if you were.
Jimmy: Dad! Jesus Christ!

Cartman: [Pretending he's retarded] Derrrr...derrrr...hey guys whats going on, derrrrrr?
[Long pause]
Kyle: God damn you.

The Passion of the Jew [8.4]

Cartman: This is why you can't bring Jews on away missions! They don't play along!

Kyle: People don't hate the Jews!
Cartman: Really? Three hundred million domestic box-office, Kyle. The top-grossing film of all time, Kyle. Those numbers don't lie. If you're not scared of The Passion, then go see it. Go see it and tell me I'm wrong. Mel Gibson, Kyle. Mel Gibson.

Stan: Well, it looks like we spent about $87 getting our money back from Mel Gibson, but I think it's the principle that matters.
Kenny: [Muffled.] Yeah, I agree.
[Truck horn honking.]
Stan: Oh, you've got to be shitting me...
Mel Gibson: Give me back my money!

Cartman: Töten Sie die Juden! Wir können nicht stillstehen bis sie alle tot sind! [Kill all the Jews! We cannot stand still 'till all are dead!] Okay, I'm ready. I'm ready to do thy bidding, Mel Gibson.

Cartman: Okay, now when I say "Es ist Zeit für Rache!" you respond "Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!".
Woman: What does that mean?
Man: Oh, I think it's Aramaic, just like in the movie!

Cartman: Es ist Zeit für Rache! [It's time for revenge!]
Crowd: Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten! [We must exterminate the Jews!]
Woman: Oh, this is fun!

Cartman: Aw, aw, no, come on, people, we're so close to completing my final solution!

Kyle: I feel way better about being a Jew now that I know Mel Gibson is just a big wacko douche.

Rabbi: And now, one of our fine young shlokas, Kyle Broflovski, has asked if he could speak to the congregation.
Kyle: Thank you, Rabbi. In 1973, the United States officially issued an apology to the African-American community for slavery. In 1956, Germany officially apologized for World War II AND the Holocaust. And now, I believe, in 2004, the Jewish community needs to apologize for the death of Jesus. (The others are outraged)

You Got F'd in the A [8.5]

Sharon Marsh: Well, Randy, that was some great advice you gave our son yesterday.
Randy Marsh: What?
Sharon: Those kids showed up to serve Stan again, and he danced back.
Randy: Well, what happened?
Sharon: It's on.

[Stan is asking help from the goth kids.]
Goth Kid: I'm not doing it. Being in a dance group is totally conformist.
Henrietta: Yeah, I'm not conforming to some dance-off regulations.
Kindergoth: I'm not doing it either. I'm the biggest non-conformist of all.
Goth Leader: I'm such a non-conformist that I'm not going to conform with the rest of you. Okay, I'll do it.
Stan: Great!
[Pause]
Henrietta: Whoa. I think we just got put in our place.
Goth Kid: Yeah, we just got goth served.

Stan: Hey kid, you're pretty good. How would you like to join our dance troupe?
Yao: You mean dancing with out a machine telling you what to do?
Stan: Yeah.
Yao: That's stupid.

Lil' Kim: Wassup, niggas!

Stan: But that isn't the point, Butters, the point is that this is now! It's on, and there are people who need you to step up. Look, nobody likes having to rise to a challenge, but competing against other people and getting in their faces (points at Butters) and saying "Ha ha, I'm better than you" is part of life. And if you can't face that, then you might as well sit here playing with lego until you're an old man.
Butters: (dangerously) Get out of my room, Stan.
Stan (moving to the door) fine. (opens the door) But one day you're gonna have to stop running from what happened and deal with it, otherwise (points to Butters) you might as well move to France with all the other pussies. (leaves Butters's room. Butters tries to continue with his lego, but gets frustrated and slams it onto his floor in a temper).

The Jeffersons [8.6]

Cartman: Well, excuse my French, Mrs. Marsh, but you can suck on my fat hairy balls!

Cartman: Mr. Jefferson, I wish I could be around you all the time. You're awesome.
Mr. Jefferson: I think you're awesome too, Cartman.
Cartman: Yeah?
Mr. Jefferson: Yeah.
Cartman: Yeah?
Mr. Jefferson: Yeah.
Cartman: Yeah? (they move in for a kiss)
Stan: (waking up) Aaaaagghhh! (looks round to see Cartman asleep and facing the ceiling and not Mr. Jefferson)
Mr. Jefferson: (opens his eyes) What's the matter, Stan? You have a bad dream?
Stan: Yeah, a really bad dream. (shuts his eyes) Oh, Jesus.

Goobacks [8.7]

News Reporter: Aaron, I'm standing at the Time Portal, which scientists say follows Terminator rules, that is it's one way only and you can't go back. This is in contrast to say, Back to the Future rules, where back and forth is possible, and of course Timerider rules which are just plain silly.

Redneck #1: They took our jobs!
Redneck #2: Took-er jerbs!
Redneck #3: Derka der!

Cartman: Hel-lo ma'am. We're going around town and offering snow-shoveling service. Would you like your driveway and sidewalk shoveled for eight thousand dollars?
Woman: Oh well, I certainly could use some little snow-shovelers, but eight thousand dollars seems a little steep. How about ten dollars?
Cartman: Ooh, ouch, ma'am, please, let go of that tight grip you have on my balls! Ten dollars, you're breaking my balls, ma'am!

Woman: How much are oranges?
Gooback: Tree-fiddy ($3.50)

Weathers: (Reading from a letter) Dear Intolerant Rednecks, we sympathize with you losing your jobs, but we believe your solution of shooting everyone who crosses the border is inhuman.

Gooback: (with difficulty) Iggen arndrij? (points to the chicken sandwich sign)
Stan: No, not a chicken sandwich! I want a god damn cheesburger and some god damn fries, you fucking goobacks!!
Randy: Stan Marsh!!
Stan: Ah--Ah!

Bill O'Reilly: On my right is pissed-off white-trash redneck conservative and on my left is aging hippie liberal douche.

Randy Marsh: Oh my God. Dey took ma jahb!
Stan: Dey took yer jahb!

Something Wall-Mart This Way Comes [8.9]

Stan: Jesus Christ…Dad?!
Randy: Stan?
Stan: Dad, oh my God!
Randy: Stan.
Stan: What, Dad, are you dying?
Randy: No, I'm just really really tired. I was shopping at Wall-Mart all night.

Cartman: Whoa, pixie sticks, 29 cents!
[Cartman slips into a trance.]
Cartman: Wall-Mart? are you speaking to me?…My friends…Trying to hurt you again? Yes Wall-Mart, I understand.

Stan: Three tickets to Bentonville, Arkansas, please.
Cartman: Hey, guys, wait up. I wanna go with you and help out.
Kyle: No way. You want to come with us so you can betray us at some point and keep us from destroying Wall-Mart.
Cartman: Nu-uh.
Kyle: Yu-Hah! you want to come with us so that later I can go "Hah hah, I was working for Wall-Mart all along" or something.
Cartman: I am not, Kyle!
Stan: Dude, just let him come, the bus is about to leave.
[Kenny and Stan walk off.]
Kyle: Alright, fine. Come on, fat-ass.
[Kyle walks off; Cartman takes out a knife.]
Cartman: Ha ha, you fools have no idea that I will never let you hurt the Wall-Mart.
[Kyle runs back.]
Kyle: I heard that!
Cartman: Heard what?
Kyle: You said that we have no idea that you are never going to let us hurt the Wall-Mart.
Cartman: That's not what I said!
[Stan comes back.]
Stan: Dude, come on.
Kyle: He's working for the Wall-Mart to stop us from succeeding!!
Stan: Dude, we have to go.
Kyle: God damn it.
Stan: Well, hurry up if you're coming, Cartman!
Cartman: [offscreen] He he, you stupid fools have no idea that I'm actually working for the Wall-Mart to stop you from suceeding!

Stan: Goddamn, that took a long time.
Kyle: It would have been faster if Cartman hadn't slashed the tires.
Cartman: I did not. I wanna close Wall-Mart just as much as you guys do.

Cartman: If you want to hurt the Wall-Mart, you're gonna have to go through me.

Pre-School [8.10]

Stan (as a toddler): Dude, let's play firemen!
Kyle (as a toddler): Totally dude, let's play fireman!
Cartman (as a toddler): Jews can't be firemen!
Kyle (as a toddler): Shut up, fat ass!
Cartman (as a toddler): Don't call me fat you stupid jew!

Dr. Doctor: From the test results, it would appear your child was tortured by a bully. He received a massive snuggie; his underwear pulled up so high it nearly killed him. He also received two Indian sunburns on his forearms, a charlie horse on the thigh, and a second-degree titty-twister. And from the damage to his head area, it appears he was also given a swirly -- a colossal one. It also looks like he received a noogie, and a Polish bike ride.

Dr. Doctor: Boys, you have to let him rest. Some mean kid gave him a Texas Chili Bowl.
Stan: What's that?
Dr. Doctor: It involves Tabasco sauce, a telephone, and the anus.

(After the teacher gets injured)
Officer: Miss Claridge, did Trent Boyett do this to you?
Teacher: (two beeps, which is supposed to mean no)
Officer: "Yes, Yes". Take him away!

Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset [8.12]

Paris Hilton: Another dog killed itself!

Paris Hilton: [opening her new store] Have fun girls, and remember to party and be super-lame to everybody.

Cartman: [Walks up to a group of girls and flips each one off in turn] F**k you, Millie! F**k you, Annie! F**k you, Bebe! F**k you Whatever-your-name-is!, a-a-a-and f**k you, bitch!

Mr. Garrison: [after Mr. Slave shoves Paris Hilton up his anus] Now that's a whore!

Man in Crowd: Whore off!

Randy Marsh: Oh, no, she didn't.

Woodland Critter Christmas [8.14]

Stan: I am sorry that I killed your mom but the squirrel told me that she was evil.
Mountain Lion Cub: You got tricked by a squirrel? Gee, you are not too smart, are you mister?

Beary: Gee whiz, Santa, you're not gonna kill me, are you?
[Santa shoots him.]

Kyle: Stan! What the hell is going on?!
Stan: It's Critter Christmas, dude! It sucks ass!

Narrator: And they all lived happily ever after, except for Kyle, who died of AIDS two weeks later.
Kyle: [voiceover] God damn you, Cartman!

Singing critters: What special time! What special day! It's Woodland Critter Christmas!
Squirrely the Squirrel: Hail Satan!

Squirrely the Squirrel: Blood orgy! Blood orgy!

Season 9

Mr. Garrison's Fancy New Vagina [9.1]

Mrs. Garrison: Hey, boys. It's me, your teacher, Mrs. Garrison.
Cartman: [Whispers] You guys, Mr. Garrison has titties!

Kyle: Mom? Dad? What's a sex-change operation?
Gerald: [taken aback] What? Uh, n-nothing. I'll explain it to you when you're a little older.
Kyle: But our teacher, Mr. Garrison? He just had his penis made into a vagina. How come?
Ike: Penis!
Gerald: Your teacher had a sex change? Oh my God!
Ike: Vagina!

Kyle: Mom! Dad! I have awesome news! The doctor who gave Mr. Garrison a sex-change said he could make me tall and black!
Sheila: What?
Kyle: Dr. Biber said he can give me a Negroplasty so I can finally look the way I've always wanted. He even took my picture and then did computer imaging to show what I would look like after the surgery.
Gerald: Oh, just great! You see, Sheila? This is what your transgender progressive thinking gets you! Now your son wants to be transracial!
Kyle: Can I have $3000, Mom and Dad? Huh? Can I?
Sheila: Absolutely not, Kyle!
Kyle: But why not? You said sometimes people need surgery to make them feel better about themselves.
Sheila: Yes, but Kyle--
Kyle: Well, all my life I felt I was black! I've listened to hip-hop, I watch UPN and I love playing basketball! My body doesn't reflect who I am inside.
Sheila: Kyle, you have to accept your body the way it is.
Kyle: Why? Why do I have to accept it when I can change it?
Sheila: The answer is no, Kyle! You're not going to have a Negroplasty!
Kyle: But Jews can't play basketball!
Gerald: Kyle, you'd better stop being anti-Semitic right now, mister!
Kyle: [shouts] I'm not speaking to either one of you ever again! [storms into his room]

Gerald: Look, Ike! Your daddy's a dolphin!

Mr. Slave: I don't like vaginas.

Mrs. Garrison: You men are all alike! Go ahead and find somebody who doesn't have a vagina, you fag!

Basketball coach: [to Kyle] No, you see, Jews can't play basketball. They're not tall or black enough.

Kyle: All my life I've wanted to be tall and black. Could you do it for me, Doctor?
Doctor: (Stares, speechless) Oh, I see! In that case, you want a Negroplasty.
Kyle: A Negroplasty?
Doctor: Yes, it's very simple, just the exact opposite of a Caucasioplasty.

Gerald: What kind of nutjob would agree to surgically alter my son into a tall African-American?!

Mrs. Garrison: That means I'm not really a woman! I'm just a guy with a mutilated penis!
Doctor: Basically, yes.

Die Hippie, Die [9.2]

Cartman: They're not people! They're hippies!

Cartman: Goddamn hippies!!!

Kyle: Those dirty liars!
Kenny: [muffled] Son of a bitch!

Cartman: And we'll need a black guy who can sacrifice himself in case something goes wrong. [camera moves back and forth passing Chef several times] Oh how about...
Chef: [irritated] Yeah, I know!

Hippie: Wait until those little Eichmanns get a taste of this crunchy groove!

Cartman: Did you eat their brownies? Did you eat their brownies?!

Wing [9.3]

Mrs. Garrison: Just between us gals, nothing gets my cooch wetter than a black man singing!
Principal Victoria: Mr. Garrison, for the love of God!

Best Friends Forever [9.4]

[Kenny is playing PSP]
Mrs. McCormick: Kenny? Kenny, are you still playin' with that thing? Kenny, it's been two weeks and you've done nothin' else!
Kenny: [mumbling] I could get to level 60!
Mrs. McCormick: Who cares if you almost made it to level 60? You're wastin' your life, Kenny! If you died tomorrow, what would you have to show for it? You're gonna end up wishin' you'd done more with your life, just like your deadbeat father!!
Mr. McCormick: 'Ey! I heard that, bitch!
Mrs. McCormick: I wasn't talkin' to you, asshole!

Michael: God intended Kenny to die! What are these people doing?

Angel: The Keanu Reeves boy has been revived on Earth! His soul is no longer in Heaven!
Satan: Then GOD is helping us!

Stan: Don't kill Kenny!
Protesters: You bastards!

Uriel: No! There is another. A Japanese boy did make it to level 59.
Michael: Are you stupid, Uriel? Japanese people don't have souls!
Angels: Yeah, Uriel!
Uriel: Oh. Right, right. I'm sorry.

Kevin: Keep your army marching my Lord. I will get that feeding tube removed.
Satan: How?
Kevin: I will do what we always do. Use the Republicans.

[The hooded figure hisses into Bush's left ear.]
George Bush: We Republicans are deeply saddened by the recent events in Colorado!
Kevin: Removing the feeding tube is murder! Haaghaghaghaghaghagha...
George Bush: Removing the feeding tube is murder!
Kevin: Who are we to decide that Kenny should live or die? Haaghaghaghaghaghagha...
George Bush: Who are we to decide that Kenny should live or die?
Kevin: It is God's will that he live!
George Bush: It is God's will that he live!
Kevin: Haaghaghaghaghaghagha...
George Bush: Haghaghaghagha...
Kevin: No no, you don't say that part, Haaghaghaghaghaghagha . [hisses into Bush's right ear]
George Bush: No no, you don't say that part, Haghaghaghagha.
Crowd: [Speechless]

Angel 1: Jesus! Their army is massive!
Angel 2: Heaven help us!

Michael: Basically, Kenny, you...are Keanu Reeves.

The Losing Edge [9.5]

Stan: Dad?
Randy: Huh?
Stan: You're the greatest.

Batdad: Now for the finishing move! You're about to be "Batdad-ed"!

Randy: Hey, Batdad, I didn't hear no bell.

Batdad: Batdad knows no fear! Batdad knows no pain!

Randy: For what? Arresting me for what? I'm not allowed to stand up for myself? I thought this was America! Huh? Isn't this America? I'm sorry, I thought this was America.

Randy: Denver sucks ass.

Butters: Son of a biscuit.

Pueblo Dad: Vamanos Pueblo! Vive el Pueblo!
Randy: (takes out Spanish-English Dictionary) Pueblo no es bueno...Pueblo es muy mal.

The Death of Eric Cartman [9.6]

Butters: I'm like the kid in that movie: I'm seein' dead people!

Cartman: Let's see, oh and I tried to exterminate the Jews last spring...

Cartman: Oh my god! This can't be happening! (hears his mother wailing uncontrollably) Mom? Mom's crying?! Oh god! It's true! (runs to see through the window. In her room, the fat plumber is banging Mrs Cartman on her bed. Cartman turns and brawls) Oh, it's not fair! (falls on his knees) Why?! WHY?! (continues crying and his mother continues crying as well)

Jimmy: Hey, fellas, where's Cartman?
Stan: Cartman isn't our friend anymore.
Kyle: We're ignoring him.
Token: Ignoring him, how come?
Kyle: Because he's a fat racist self-centered intolerant manipulating sociopath.
Token: Oh yeah.

Cartman: Goodbye, Butters, I must be going now. I may check in on you from time to time. Have a long, fulfilling life Butters! Good-byeeeeeeeee...

Erection Day [9.7]

Mr. Mackey: [reading a note from the sex ed "question box"] "Mr. Mackey is gay." OK, kids, that's not funny, m'kay! This box is supposed to be used for serious questions, about serious issues, m'kay? Let's stop the tomfoolery. M'kay, let's look at a real one here. "Dear Mr. Mackey, you are gay." All right, all right, that is enough, kids! Let's quiet down and try to be mature, m'kay! Here we go, m'kay. "Mr. Mackey, sometimes my parents hit me...and you are gay." Dammit is there not one serious question in here?! [quietly going through notes] "Mr. Mackey's gay..." "Mr. Mackey's gay..." OK, here: "I am a boy at South Park Elementary. Sometimes when I'm sitting in class, my penis becomes hard for no reason. What should I do?"

Ike: [singing] I have a Yankee Doodle sweetheart, she's my Yankee Doodle girl. 'Ankee Doodle came to London, just to ride the ponies! I am da Yankee Doodle, I am da Yankee Doodle, I am da Yankee Doodle boy!

Butters: 'Ey, who's droppin' bombs in there?! How 'bout a courtesy flush?!
Cartman: Up yours, Butters!!

Jimmy: Shawna, I was wondering if I could put my penis in your vagina.

Two Days Before the Day After Tomorrow [9.8]

Gerald: Maybe we should strip these jackets off and warm our bodies next to each other.
Randy: Don't be a fag!

Stan: Dude! Dude, did you see the news last night?
Cartman: Yeah.
Stan: You saw all those people trapped on their roofs?
Cartman: Yeah, that was pretty funny.

Randy: (draws a line near near the bottom of the USA map) Everyone below this line will have to be evacuated to the South...(draws another line further up) Everyone above this line is already dead. (draws two horizontal lines in between the two verticals) People like us in the middle states will have to ride it out... (draws a sphere that makes the diagram resemble testicles) People in the balmy south-western states might have a chance but (draws a small horizontal line between and at the end of the two horizontals) New York will have tidal waves that will envelop the north-east (draws a circle, making the diagram resemble a penis and testicles).
[long pause]
Man: (stifles a snigger).
Randy: (dangerously) What, Frank?
Frank: (continues to snigger and points to Randy's penis-shaped diagram)
Randy: (looks at it for a moment and realizes) Aw! Oh, goddammit. (draws a squiggle to cover it)

Stan: Global Warming didn't destroy the dam....I know who did.
Kyle: Terrorists?
Stan: No...
Kyle: The President?
Stan: No...
Kyle: Chinese Radicals?
Stan: No...
Kyle: Communists?
Stan: No...
[brief pause]
Kyle:...Cartman?
Stan:...Kind of...
Kyle: CARTMAN BROKE THE DAM?!

Cartman: Give me your Jew gold now!
Kyle: Goddammit, you know I don't carry gold in a little bag around my neck, Cartman. What do you want from me?
Cartman: I want your Jew gold…

Kyle: We must save these people!
Stan: How?
Cartman: Why?

[repeated line]
Townsfolk: We didn't listen! [Echoed] We didn't listen!

Angry Man: It's George Bush's fault!
Another Man: Yeah! George Bush doesn't care about beavers!

Stan: It's MY fault. I broke the dam.
[long pause]
Cartman: Aw, man...
Sharon Marsh:...Stanley...You?
Man: No. Don't you see what this child is saying? We can't spend all our energy placing blame when something bad happens. He's saying...we all broke the dam.
Stan: No. I broke the dam.
Woman: I broke the dam.
Man: I broke the dam.
Man: I broke the dam.
Stan: No. I broke the dam.
Woman: And I broke the dam.
Man: I broke the dam.
Cartman: Hehe...I broke the dam!
Man: I broke the dam.
Woman: I broke the dam.
Stan: [trying to insist] I broke the dam. I ran a boat into the dam and I broke it.
Man: I broke the dam.
Man: I broke the dam.
Man: I broke the dam.
Man: I broke the dam.
Stan: No! I broke the fucking dam!
Man: I broke the dam.
Man: I broke the dam.
Stan: I literally broke the dam!
Man: I broke the dam.
Man: I broke the dam.
Stan: On a boat! That wasn't mine!
Man: I broke the dam.
Man: I broke the dam.
Stan: I kept it secret for two days!
Man: I broke the dam.
Man: I broke the dam.
Stan: The boat caught on fire and it exploded!
Man: I broke the dam.
Man: I broke the dam.
Stan: Aw, fuck it!

Marjorine [9.9]

Cartman: Ah, gentlemen, thank you for coming. We don't have a lot of time, so I'll cut to the chase. The girls at our school have been hiding something from us; hiding something huge.
Craig: What?
Cartman: What if I were to tell you that the girls have a device which allows them to see into the future?
Stan: What?
Butters: How do you know?
Kyle: The girls do not have a device that shows them the future, Cartman. That's retarded.
Clyde: You, sir, mocked Cartman before. Yet you too sit here demanding answers. Now damn you, let him speak!
[Pause...]
Cartman: Thank you, Clyde.

Mrs. Garrison: Why don't you tell the children a little about yourself, Marjorine?
Marjorine: I'm just a typical little girl. I like dancing, and ponies, and getting my snootch pounded on Friday nights.
Clyde: Nice.
Mrs. Garrison: Now, Marjorine, that's not very ladylike. Us Colorado girls love to get pounded in the snizz just like any woman, but we keep it to ourselves.

Cartman: God only knows the horrors that go on at girls' slumber parties.

Steven Stotch: You're demon-spawn now, son.

Kevin: You mean like that movie, Juwanna Mann?
Cartman: No, not like the movie Juwanna Mann! It's way cooler than that!

Cartman: [advising Butters]...just roll with it if they start lezzing out.

Butters: Can't I just have some SpaghettiOs?

Cartman: (After Kenny blows up the future-telling device) Damn Ken!

Follow that Egg! [9.10]

Stan: [disgusted] Oh, no, dude! He's going to put me with Wendy!
Kenny: So?
Stan: So, I haven't even spoken to Wendy since we broke up!

Mr. Garrison: We've completed our scientific non-biased study of fags having kids.

Mr. Garrison: Look at the freak egg! It has two daddies! [teasing] "Two daddies, two daddies!"

Kyle: Do you really think my hat is stupid?
Stan: As a matter of fact, I think it is the finest hat I have ever known.

Wendy: Stan I'm sorry I doubted you. You really made a great dad.
Stan: [Laughs] Like I give a crap about what you think, Wendy.
[Wendy puts her hand on her chest and walks away, head down mournfully.]

Mrs. Garrison: You know what we need? A good old-fashioned "Fag Drag!"
Man in Anti-Homosexual Rally: Actually, we don't want to hurt them....We just don't want them to get married.
Mrs. Garrison: [tries again] Fag drag?

Governor:... while gays can still live together as "butt buddies" and straights can keep the title of marriage sacred.
Lesbian in Crowd: What about Lesbians?

[small murmurs among lesbians]

Governor: Who gives a shit about fucking dykes?

Ginger Kids [9.11]

Cartman: (to Kyle) Shut your goddamned daywalker mouth!

Cartman: The only way to fight hate is with even more hate!

Cartman: I'm not gonna be part of a fucking minority!

Trapped in the Closet [9.12]

Brian: Yeah, I'm afraid that you are completely miserable and totally depressed.
Stan: I am?! I didn't know that!
Brian: Well there's certainly no question that you are a perfect candidate for Scientology

Stan: Dad, Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet!
Randy: What?!
Stan: Tom Cruise locked himself in my closet and he won't come out.
Randy: [knocks on closet door] Mr. Cruise? Mr. Cruise, come out of the closet.
Tom Cruise: No!
Randy: Come on, Mr. Cruise, this is ridiculous.
Tom Cruise: I'm never coming out!
Randy: [to Stan] What did you say to him?
Stan: I just told him I thought the Napoleon Dynamite guy is a better actor than he is.
Randy: Oh boy.

R. Kelly: But then I calm myself down, and I pull out my gun!
Field Reporter: Oh geez, here we go with the gun again.

Cartman: Don't be such a Jew, Stan.

Kyle: So what should we do now? It's Saturday! we have to have as much fun as possible.
Cartman: Hey, I know, let's go play laser-tag at Fun-Plex.
Kenny: [muffled] Hey, yeah!
Stan: No, I don't want to spend any money, you guys. Let's just find something fun that's free.
Cartman: Stan, don't you know the first law of physics? Anything that's fun costs at least $8.

President: What's better than telling people a stupid story and having them believe you?! [Stan draws a blank] Having them PAY you for it, stupid!

Tom Cruise: [to Stan] I'll sue you in England!

Nicole Kidman: Tom? Don't you think this has gone on long enough? It's time for you to come out of the closet.
Tom Cruise: But I'm...I'm not in the closet.
Nicole Kidman: Yes, you are, Tom, and you need to just end this and come out.

Nicole Kidman: Tom, come out of the closet. You're not fooling anybody.

Scientologist: You can't make fun of Scientology, kid! We are going to sue your ass and your balls!

Travolta: Hey Tom, it's me. It's John Travolta.
Cruise: ..Hey John.
Travolta: Tom, you have to come out of the closet, ohmygawd!
Cruise: But I'm not in the closet.
Travolta: OK...so, if you're not coming out, can I at least come in and talk to you?
Cruise: OK...but no tricks!
Travolta: No tricks. (gives a thumbs up to the police and the Marshes. The door opens; he walks in.) Hey! It's really nice in here!
Cruise: Ya see?!
Travolta: I feel really safe, ohmygawd!
(the group looks on)
Randy: (tries the door) HEY!

Bloody Mary [9.14]

Stan: Dad, aren't you kind of drunk?
Randy: It's OK, Stan, I have some beer to keep my buzz going!

AA Member: Do you know anything about alcoholism?
Stan: Yeah, and I know a thing or two about cults. I was the leader of one for a while.

Karate Instructor: Kaa-tuman-san! What are you doing?
Cartman: I'm doing some sweet banzai moves. I'm a little better than everyone else here.
Karate Instructor: Eriku-san, you must follow direction! You raku disciprine!
Cartman: Nuh-uh, I don't raku disciprine!

Stan: No, cancer is a disease. My dad needs to drink less.

Randy: It's not fair. Why did you give me this disease?

Stan: Dad, aren't you supposed to, like, not drink and drive?
Randy: I'm not drinking and driving, I'm driving while I'm drinking, right, boys?!
Cartman: Sure, whatever, dude.

Randy: How did I manage to raise such a smart kid?
Stan: I have a great teacher.
Randy: Thanks son.
Stan: No not you, my karate teacher. He's really smart.

Mrs. Garrison: Well I think we have all learned an important lesson, haven't we, class: if you don't make the right choices in life, you can end up being a big loser like Stan's dad.
Class: [silence]
Mrs. Garrison: Drinking and driving is for idiots. Nobody wants to end up like Stan's dad, do they?
Class: [silence]
Mrs. Garrison: I want you all to take a good look at Stan's dad, and say: "Is that who I wanna be in 30 years? Getting tickets and having to go to elementary-school classrooms and talk about how pathetic I am?" Thank you, Mr. Marsh, I think you have made your point.

Field Reporter: And the Pope said, quote, "A chick bleeding out her vagina is no miracle. Chicks bleed out their vaginas all the time."

Randy: Well how about 4?
Stan: I think you're pushing it.
Randy: How 'bout 20?
Stan: That's not disciprine.
Randy: Right, right. Does vodka count?
Stan: Dad!

Randy: Let me handle this. What seems to be the officer, problem?
Officer: ...Step out of the car, please.

Season 10

The Return of Chef [10.1]

Cartman: Uh, guys? Did Chef seem a little, uh, trippy to you?

Cartman: Hey you guys, you know what they call a Jewish woman's boobs? ...Joobs!

Clyde: You guys... something's wrong with Chef. He's saying some really weird stuff.
Kyle: Like what?
Clyde: I think… I think he wants to have sex with me.

Chef: [In sound clips of his voiced mixed together] I want to stick my balls inside your rectum, Kyle. I'm gonna make love to your asshole, children. Kenny, how would you like to sodomize my black ass?

Butters: [after seeing a police detective perform a rim job on a doll] My Uncle Bud did that to me once!

Mr. Connolly: [About the Super Adventure Club's founder] And he lived for eternity, until he was hit by a train in 1892.

[After hearing the Super Adventure Club's story]
Kyle: Do you realize how retarded that sounds?
Mr. Connolly: Is it any more retarded than the idea of God sending his only son down to die for our sins? Is it any more retarded that Buddha sitting beneath a tree for twenty years?
Stan: Yeah, it's way, way more retarded.

Mr. Connolly: If you choose not to leave, then we will have to...call security and make you leave. It will be super-embarrassing and everyone here will see!

Stan: Oh my God. They killed Chef.
Kyle: You bastards! YOU BASTARDS!!!
Mr. Connolly: Pity. He would've made an excellent child molester.

Kyle: We're all here today because Chef has been such an important part of our lives. A lot of us don't agree with the choices Chef has made in the past few days. Some of us... feel hurt... and confused that he seemed to turn his back on us. But we can't let the events of the last week take away the memories of how much Chef made us smile. I'm gonna remember Chef as the jolly old guy who always broke into song. I'm gonna remember Chef... as the guy who gave us advice to live by. So you see, we shouldn't be mad at Chef for leaving us. We should be mad at that fruity little club for scrambling his brains.
Randy: Yeah.
Mr. Mackey: He's right.
Kyle: And in the end, I know that somewhere out there... there's the good part of Chef... that's still alive in us all.

Mr. Connolly: Chef, can you hear me? Say something.
Darth Chef: Hello there, children. How would you like some Salisbury steak?
Mr. Connolly: Yes, go on.
Darth Chef: And for dessert, how would you children like to suck on my chocolate salty balls?
Mr. Connolly: Oh? You mean like a chocolate candy?
Darth Chef: No, I mean my balls.
Mr. Connolly: Yes, YESS! Hahahahahahaaa!

Mr. Connolly: Our club offers hope! Do you think we go around the world molesting children just because it feels really, really, really, really good? No! Our club has a message...and a secret that explains the mysteries of life!
Stan: Oh, Jesus. Here we go.
Mr. Connolly: Very well. I am now going to tell you the secret of the Super Adventure Club.

Cartman: [upon seeing Chef fall down a mountain then get torn to pieces by a mountain lion and a bear] Hey maybe he's ok, I heard the last thing you do before you die is cra—[Chef voids bowels] oh… never mind.

Chef: [after meeting a large dancer at a strip club Chef's trance begins to waver] Wait a minute...
Stan: He's remembering
Chef: Children! what have I done
Cartman: It's ok Chef go on remember
Chef: [singing] I'm gonna I'm gonna
Kyle: Come on Chef you can do it
Chef: [singing] I'm gonna make love to you woman gonna lay ya down by the fire
The boys: YAAY!

Smug Alert! [10.2]

Cartman: San Fransisco is the breeding ground of hippies!

News Anchor: Cities like Denver and Salt Lake are heavily damaged, but still alright. However, San Francisco I'm afraid, has disappeared completely up its own asshole.

Cartoon Wars Part I [10.3]

Gerald: Which cartoon is it? What cartoon'll be so insensitive as to have Mohammed as a character?
Randy: Who do you think?! The cartoon that's always pushing buttons with their careless toilet humor! Family Guy!

Cartman: That's different! I'm just a little boy! That's a cartoon! Millions of people watch it! How would you feel, Kyle, if there was a cartoon on television that made fun of Jews all the time?! Huh?!

Cartman: [about Family Guy] It's wrong! It's wrooooong!

Chris: Freedom of speech is at stake here, don't you all see? If anything, we should all make cartoons of Muhammad, and show the terrorists and the extremists that we are all united in the belief that every person has a right to say what they want! Look, people, it's been real easy for us to stand up for free speech lately. For the past few decades we haven't had to risk anything to defend it. But those times are going to come! And one of those times is right now. And if we aren't willing to risk what we have, then we just believe in free speech, but we don't defend it!

Mrs Garrison: Now put yourself in the shoes of a Muslim. It's Friday night, but you can't have sex, and you can't jack off. There's sand in your eyes and probably in the crack of your ass, and then some cartoon comes along from a country where people are getting laid, and mocks your prophet. Well you know what? I'd be pretty pissed off too!
Cartman: Mr. Garrison, that is ignorant and racist! Muslims are mad because of Family Guy, not because they can't jack off! Right, Wendy? [Wendy is surprised]
Wendy: ...Yeah.

Cartman: Don't you ever, ever compare me to Family Guy, you hear me Kyle? Compare me to Family Guy again and so help me, I will kill you where you stand! Do you have any idea what it's like? Everywhere I go: 'Hey Cartman you must like Family Guy, right?' 'Hey, your sense of humor reminds me of Family Guy Cartman!' I am NOTHING like Family Guy! When I make jokes they are inherent to a story! Deep situational and emotional jokes based on what is relevant and has a point, not just one random interchangable joke after another!

Closing voiceover: Will networks executives stand up for free speech? Or will Comedy Central puss out?

Ayman al-Zawahri: Seriously, Family Guy isn't even that well written. The jokes are all interchangeable and usually irrelevant to the plot. When this episode airs - our retaliation will be MASSIVE!

Cartman: Oh my god, is that Tim Mcgraw?

Cartoon Wars Part II [10.4]

Bart Simpson: [after hitting Kyle over the head with a skateboard] Cowabunga, motherfucker.

Cartman: I did it, I…am…GOD!

Cartman: What's the worst thing you've ever done?
Bart Simpson: I stole the head off a statue once.
Cartman: [pause] Wow, that's pretty hardcore. Geez. That's like this one time when I didn't like a kid, so I ground his parents up into chili and fed it to him.

Cartman: I'll use this situation to get Family Guy cancelled. I use fear to manipulate people to do my bidding.
Bart Simpson: Uh, isn't that like terrorism?
Cartman: Dude, it's not like terrorism! It is terrorism!

Kyle: Cartman! You fucking fatass!
Cartman: How the hell did you get out?
Kyle: That kid and I had a long talk. I told him he was on a slippery slope to becoming a monster like you!
Cartman: Oh goddamnit! You gave him one of your gay little speeches, didn't you?
Kyle: You are not killing Family Guy!

Cartman: Well Kyle, I guess it was innevtale.
[Cartman and Kyle take their gloves off, stare at each other, and engage in a slap fight.]
Cartman: Ow! Kyle stop it-no Kyle that's too hard!

President Bush: Look, the fact of the matter is, the Family Guy writing staff is protected by something called the First Amendment.
Reporter 1: And what exactly is this First Amendment, Mr. President?
George W. Bush: ...you know. Right to free speech.

Many of the reporters groan loudly and begin yelling

Reporter 2: Mr. President, when your administration came up with this First Amendment, did it not foresee a problem like this might happen?
George W. Bush: Well, we didn't come up with the First Amendment. It was already in place.
Reporter 3: What do you intend to do about this First Amendment, Mr. President?
Reporter 4: Forgive me, Mr. President, but this First Amendment sounds like a lot of bureaucratic jibbery-jroo.

[In a meeting with Terrance and Phillip]
Terrance: ALL RIGHT, JUST WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE??!!
Phillip: You censored out the image of Muhammad in our television special!!
Network President: Ey! You guys know the rules! Nobody can show the image of Muhammad anymore. It's dangerous.
Terrance: But you ruined the whole show!
Network President: Look, I'm not gonna risk the lives of the people at this network. Let's just forget aboat it, okay guys? [farts and laughs. Terrance and Phillip look hard at him, their arms crossed] Aw, come on guys, give me a break.
Phillip: We demand you rerun Mystery at the Lazy "J" Ranch with Muhammad uncensored!
CBC President: Ey, I make the rules, not you guys! And if you ask me, your show has become so preachy and full of morals that you have forgotten how to be funny! No Muhammad!

Terrence: Hello Muhammad, we've read all aboot you in the Qur'an.
Mohammed: I'm here to investigate a murder.

Cartman: Good, Kyle! That's good anger you're showing there! That's emotional character development based on what's happening in the storyline! Not at all like Family Guy.

SNN Anchor: Muslims continue to riot in the Middle East, demanding that Family Guy not air tonight's episode. And Muslim terrorists continue to make threats.
Al-Zawahri: "Family Guy" better not show Mohammed tonight. I'm serious. "Family Guy" isn't funny.
SNN Anchor: Osama bin Laden had this to say:
Osama Bin Laden: If you look closely at the writing in Family Guy, you will see that the jokes never derive from the plot, and I think that's totally gay.
SNN Anchor: Bin Laden went on to say that if Family Guy shows the image of Muhammad as planned, the terrorist retaliation will be immediate.

Ayman Al-Zawahri: We warned you not to show Mohammed - but "Family Guy" did it anyways. So now, here is our retaliation on America!!!
[the terrorists show a cartoon after Family Guy aired the episode with Mohammed]
American Male 1: [walks in] Hello, I am American.
American Male 2: [walks in] I'm American too.
American Male 1: We like to crap on each other. [the men crap on each other]
President Bush: [walks in] Hello, I am the President Bush. I will crap on both of you. [craps on both of them]
American Male 2: Ugh! We love to crap!
American Female: [walks in] I'm American. I'm pregnant with a baby, but I'm not married.
American Male 3: [walks in] Let's crap. [all five of them begin crapping on each other and Jesus enters the picture]
Jesus: Look at me! I'm Jesus! Would you like me to crap on you, Mr. Bush? [craps on Bush. More Americans walk in and start crapping]
All: Mmm, yummy yummy crap. [more people crap, and an American flag appears under them, being crapped on]
Ayman Al-Zawahri: Ha, ha! Take that! We burned you! That was way funnier than "Family Guy".

Cartman: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some idea balls to pull from a manatee tank.
Kyle: WHAT?!

A Million Little Fibers [10.5]

Towelie: How spicy would you like your Chang sauce?

Towelie: Don't call me shoeless! YOU'RE shoeless!

Book Publisher: Because they're people and you're a towel.
Towelie: You're a towel!
Book Publisher: No , I'm a big book publisher whos not the least bit interested in your stony memoirs, you're a towel.

Gary: Are we in Paris, Mingey?

Oprah Fan: Burn that which lies to Oprah!

Manbearpig [10.6]

Kyle: Did Cartman just crap treasure?
Cartman: It's mine! I got it out of the cave! It belongs to me!

Mr. Mackey:Now today we have a special guest speaker, does anyone know who our last vice-president was?

(breif silence)

Kyle: Dick Cheney?
Mr. Mackey: No, no the last one.
Butters:Bill Clinton?
Mr. Mackey: No, Clinton's Vice President.

(silence, no one knows who Al Gore is)


Al Gore: I've killed ManBearPig!

Cartman: If I miss dinner, I'm going to be so pissed off!

Al Gore: Everyone is super stoked on me, even if they don't know it.

Worker: What is that, a pigbearman?
Al Gore: No, stupid, it's ManBearPig.

Al Gore: It's a half-man, half-bear, and half-pig.

Al Gore: This looks like ManBearPig central!

Kyle: It's half-man, and half-bearpig.
Cartman: No! It's half-man, half-bear, and half-pig!
Kyle: That doesn't make any sense.
Stan: It could be half-bear and half man-pig.

Tour Guide: And that whistling sound is why we call this the Cave of the Winds.
Steven's Wife: Take a picture of the sound, Steven.

Al Gore: I can get you all excused from school.
Cartman: You...have that kind of power?

Stan or Kyle: What do ManBearPig droppings look like?
Al Gore: Kind of like pig droppings but more man-bear like.

Al Gore: Excelsior!

Al Gore: Kids I saved you.
Stan: Stay away from us, asshole! I was nice to you because I felt sorry for you, because you don't have any friends. But now I see why you don't have any friends. You just use 'ManBearPig' as a way to get attention for yourself because you're a loser!
Al Gore: Yeah right. The man that single handedly killed Manbearpig is a loser.

Al Gore: I am here to educate you about the single biggest threat to our planet. You see, there is something out there which threatens our very existence and may be the end to the human race as we know it. I'm talking, of course, about Manbearpig. It is a creature which roams the Earth alone. It is half man, half bear, and half pig. Some people say that Manbearpig isn't real. Well , I'm here to tell you now, Manbearpig is very real, and he most certainly exists—I'm serial. Manbearpig doesn't care who you are or what you've done. Manbearpig simply wants to get you. I'm super serial. But have no fear, because I am here to save you. And someday, when the world is rid of Manbearpig, everyone will say, "Thank you Al Gore—you're super awesome!" The end.

Al Gore: I'm super serial.

Al Gore: Why does nobody believe that I'm serial?

Cave Ranger: Ok fellow tourists. Here in this cave we can see some stalagmites and stalactites. Over here we have the "Hanging Mushroom" [shows penis made out of rock], and this one we call "Man With Helmet and Two Bowling Balls" [shows penis and testicle combo], and over here we have "The Two Sisters." [shows two penis & testicle combos]

Tsst [10.7]

Cartman: I just... I really need the support of my best friend right now.
Jimmy: Who's your best friend?
Cartman: You are, Jimmy! We've always been best friends! We know everything about each other!
Jimmy: What's my last name?
Cartman: [pause] Goddammit.

Cartman: God-dammit, Mom! I'm your son and you will listen to me!

Cesar Millan: TSST!!

Cartman: All right, I'll stay with Kenny. Let's go, man.
Kenny: [Mumbles] Fuck you.

Stella: I'm serious. Let's put down the video game and go to the kitchen.
Cartman: [said in British accent] No thanks, I'd rahther naught.

Stella: It's the time-out stool. You can't get down until the time is up.
Cartman: [looks at her, then hops off the stool] Whoa, how did I do that?

Cartman: You're sterile, is that it? No, that's too convenient of an excuse. The truth is, nobody ever wanted to have babies with you. Isn't that it? Always the mom's maid and never the mom? Must be hard on you, knowing that the years are ticking away, your friends all getting married and all the while your uterus is slowly shriveling away, drying up, becoming totally worthless.

Cartman: Yes, let the anger come! Strike me down while you can! But it won't make your dried-up ovaries any more fertile!

Supernanny Jo: From heeell! It's from heeell!

Cartman: Suck my asshole, taco vendor!

Cartman: What the hell is this?! Skinless chicken, boiled vegetables and salad?! This is just like Auschwitz!

Cartman: Yes! I've lost almost ten pounds now. You see what I mean?? I totally know how it felt to be a Jew in the Holocaust now!

Cartman: Stop trying to bogart my X-Box you fat bitch!

Liane: And then we'll go to Target, and... I'll buy you a Mega Ranger?
Cartman: Could I have....two Mega Rangers?
Liane: You can have anything you want, dear.
*Camera focuses on cartman and damein music plays*

Make Love, Not Warcraft [10.8]

Cartman: (as a dwarf warrior) Aw, dude! I just took the biggest crap! Hey, where are you guys?
Kyle: (as a female human mage) We're over here, by the cart!
Cartman: (approaches) Okay, sorry guys.
Stan: (as a knight) Dude! We've been waiting forever!
Cartman: (as a dwarf warrior) Well I'm sorry, you guys, but I had to take a dump!
Kyle: (as female human mage) If you didn't eat so much, you wouldn't have diarrhea all the time, fat-ass!
Cartman: (as a dwarf warrior) Hey, I don't need to take any lip from a fricking girl!
Kenny: (as a human archer) [mumbles] I think Kyle has sweet titties, ha-ha-ha!
Cartman: Heh-heh, totally!

Randy: Stan! Stan!
Stan: Hang on guys. My dad wants something.
Randy: Stan!
Stan: What?!
Randy: You've been on your computer all weekend! Shouldn't you go out and socialize with your friends?
Stan: I am socializing, r-tard! I'm logged on to an MMORPG with people from all over the world and getting XP with my party using team speak!
Randy: (completely dumbfounded, long pause) I'm not an r-tard...

Kyle: Wow, look at all these people playing right now!
Cartman: Yeah, it's bull crap. I bet half of these people are Koreans!

Jim: I've got to get home! My kids are playing World of Warcraft right now!
Rob Pardo: Jim, your kid's characters are already dead.
Jim: No! They only just started playing!

Rob Pardo: Whoever this person is, he's played World of Warcraft nearly every hour of every day for the past two years. Gentlemen, we are dealing with someone here who has absolutely no life.
Blizzard executive: How do you kill that which has no life?

Nelson: Randy, working on that sediment analysis?
Randy: Not now, Nelson. I just joined a big party of Night Elves and we're on a mission to explore the Tower Of Azora together.
Nelson: Is that a computer game?
Randy: No, r-tard, it's an MMORPG. These are real people I'm playing with. See, I'm a hunter, level two. I can chat with all these other people, and check it out, I can even wave to this guy here. (he waves hello to another player, who waves back) In the outside world I'm a simple geologist, but in here... I am Valkor, defender of the Alliance. I have braved the Fargodeep mines and defeated the Blood Fish at Jarod's La--
[The Rogue walks up behind Valkor and stabs him unexpectedly]
Nelson: Looks like that guy just killed you. (walks away)
Randy: What? Why? WHY?!

Cartman: If you had a chance right now to go back in time and stop Hitler, would you do it? I mean, I personally wouldn't stop him because I think he was awesome, but YOU would, right?
Clyde: I'm just going to stop playing.
Cartman: When Hitler rose to power, there were a lot of people who just stopped playing. You know who those people were? The French. Are you French, Clyde?
Clyde: No.
Cartman: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, Clyde?
Clyde: Okay, all right, I'll do it!

Blizzard Executive: We can't give the Sword of a Thousand Truths to a N00B!

Randy: Stan! Stan!
Stan: Dad, not now!
Randy: Stan, I've been sent here... to give you THIS. (holds up the Sword of 1000 Truths) This sword will completely drain his mana!
Stan: How did you get that?!
Randy: No time! Just take it! Here!
[long pause]
Randy: Um, how do you hand items from one player to another?
Stan: Bring up your Inventory screen, Ctrl-I!
Randy: Okay...
Cartman: Stan, what the hell are you doing?!
Stan: (receives sword) I got it!
[The Rogue kills Randy's character]
Stan: Dad!
Randy: (weakly) Staaaan...
Stan: (to The Rogue) You killed my father. (strikes him) YAHHH!
Cartman: His shield and armor spells are down! Attack!
[Kenny shoots Jenkins with an arrow; Kyle brings him down with a fireball; Cartman approaches)
Cartman: Looks like you're about to get pwned. RAAAHHH! (smashes The Rogue's head in with a giant hammer)

Butters: I don't play World of Warcraft.
Cartman: Butters, you said you were on your computer all the time.
Butters: Yeah, but I'm playing Hello Kitty: Island Adventure.
[long pause]
Cartman: (sighs) Butters, go buy World of Warcraft, install it on your computer and join the online sensation before we all murder you.
Butters: Oh... all right, then.

Cartman: Prepare to charge! Scroll over him with your mouse cursors and... right click!

Rob Pardo: Gentlemen, this could very well be the end of the world... of Warcraft.
Developer: No... NOOOOO!!!

Rob: I don't have a World of Warcraft account, do you?
Mike: No, I have a life!

Cartman: (all have died after attempting to outnumber and overpower The Rogue Player, with only Cartman's character left alive) No! Leave me alone! I don't wanna have to start over at the graveyard! (he is killed) GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!

Stan: (after defeating The Rogue Player) That was such uber-pwnage!

Liane Cartman: (after Eric sprays shit in her face as holds a bed pan underneath his ass) Oh, that's a big boy, isn't he?

[having saved the World of Warcraft by playing the game non-stop for several months]
Stan: I can't believe it's all over. What do we do now?
Cartman: What do you mean? Now we can finally play the game.
Kyle: Oh, yeah.
Cartman: Okay Kenny, route Eye of the Beast to your Hotbar.

Mystery of the Urinal Deuce [10.9]

Kyle: [after the conspiracy is blown] So who caused 9/11?
Stan: What do you mean? A bunch of pissed off Muslims.
Hardly Boy: Yeah, what are you, retarded?

[Kyle, Stan, Cartman and Kenny are standing in the school hallway.]
Kyle: You know that 1/4 of Americans are retarded right?
Stan: Yeah, at least 1/4.
Kyle: Here, let's do a test. [to Cartman] There are four of us here, you're retarded, that's 1/4.

George W. Bush: Shut up! You think we don't know your name? We know everything. We control everything. We've all worked very hard to keep our involvement in 9/11 a secret. But you just had to keep digging.
Kyle: Really?
Head of the conspiracy group: You won't get away with it! People know!
George W. Bush: People, you mean sheeple. We have the majority of them kept in blissful ignorance. Just one more leak to fix.
Head of the conspiracy group: Wait, what are you doing?
George W. Bush: You've been a thorn in our side for too long, I'm afraid.
Head of the conspiracy group: No! You can't do this! Please! I'll stop, I'll take down the website.
George W. Bush: Too late.
[Head of the conspiracy group pleads for his life, then Bush shoots him in the head.]
Stan: Jesus Christ!
Donald Rumsfeld: Ha ha ha, he died like a pig.
George W. Bush: Some pigs never learn.
Kyle: No way.
Stan: He was right, you did cause 9/11!
George W. Bush: Yes, quite simple to pull off really, all I had to do was have explosives planted in the base of the towers, then on 9/11 we pretended like 4 planes were being hijacked when really we just rerouted them to Pennsylvania then flew 2 military jets into the World Trade Centers filled with more explosives then shot all the witnesses of flight 93 with an F15 after blowing up the Pentagon with a cruise missle. It was only the world's most intricate and flawlessly executed plan, ever, ever.
Kyle: Really?!

Mr.Mackey: Now you might all think I've given up finding who crapped in the urinal, m'kay. And maybe, maybe you think it's a victimless crime. This is Mister Venezuela, the school janitor, m'kay. He's the person who has to clean up when some trickster drops a dookie in the wrong toilet. Mr. Venezuela makes six bucks an hour at best! M'kay? He's got three kids at home, he's got a car that barely works he's gotta clean up puke with sawdust, m'kay. And then he walks into the boy's room and sees a big meaty chud staring him in the face. So when you crapped in that urinal, m'kay, you might as well just dropped your pants and laid a turd right on Mr. Venezuela's head.
[Children laugh.]
Mr. Mackey: Oh, you think that's funny, huh? Yeah, that's real funny!

Head of the conspiracy group: You don´t understand! The government controls everything! The media, the corporations, they have the power to do anything they want. Here look, read the labels. Go on, read them.
Kyle: "Code 234."
Head of the conspiracy group: We think they came from a government office.
Kyle: What is it?
Head of the conspiracy group: It's anthrax.

Police Chief: This is too big a mystery for me, I think we better call in the Hardly Boys!
Mr. Mackey: Oh no, not the god damn--
[Hardly Boys Music hits and cut to the Hardly Boys intro video.]
Announcer: The Hardly Boys: two young whippersnappers with a taste for solving mysteries. The Hardly Boys in: The case of the World Trade Center conspiracy.

Mr. Mackey: Why, Clyde? Why did you do it?
Clyde: I dunno.
Mr. Mackey: You got a whole school here, Clyde! M'kay? You got over 300 people that need to use the boys room, and you decide your gonna be a comedian, m'kay, and pinch one off in the urinal and leave it laying there for everyone to look at?!
[Clyde begins to chuckle.]
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, m'kay, you think it's funny but nobody else does; they're gonna walk in that bathroom and see your rancid duke prob up against to back of the wall like a brown rag doll!
[Clyde starts laughing.]
Principal Victoria: Mr Mackey, Clyde's parents are here.
Mr. Mackey: Oh, that's good! Let's see what your mom and dad has to say about your little poop-scpade! Come on in, please, I'm trying to get your son to explain why he would drop a duke in the urinal!
Clyde's Dad: Mr Mackey, there's something you should know.

Mr. Mackey: Attention students. Apparently Clyde could not have been the one who crapped in the urinal, because Clyde had a colostomy at age five. M'kay. Now whoever did this unspeakable act is still at large. The boys bathroom is closed until further notice, because one of you thought it would be a good idea to pull down your pants, m'kay, hover your butt cheeks over the urinal, and squeeze out a chocolate hotdog, m'kay.
[Students laugh.]
Mr. Mackey: Oh, ya think that's funny, huh? Let me assure you, there is nothing funny about going up to a nice, clean, unsuspecting urinal, m'kay, dropping your pants, then turning around, squatting over that urinal, m'kay, maybe, maybe, pulling your butt cheeks apart with your hands, m'kay, and then laying out a big fudge dragon for all the world to see.

Mr. Mackey [to Stan]: When you dook in the urinal, it's bad, m'kay. How would YOU feel, if someone came into your home, m'kay, pulled down their pants and laid a big mud monkey right on your mom's face!
[Stan laughs.]
Mr. Mackey: Oh, you think that's funny, huh?! Yeah, that's REAL funny!

Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy [10.10]

Cartman As The Dawg: Go with Christ, brah.

Various men: Nice…

Reporter: Tom, an elementary school teacher is under arrest for allegedly having an affair - with one of her young students. The case is shocking, due mostly to the fact that the teacher is pretty hot, Tom. If the accusations are true, then, damn!

Cartman As The Dawg: Hall pass! Show me your hall pass!
Kid: What?
[Cartman slams kid up against the lockers pining him in the process.]
Cartman As The Dawg: You know what this is?!
[Holds up the bear mace for the kid to see.]
Cartman As The Dawg: This is the mace they use on bears, faggot! Now let me see your hall pass!
Kid: [holds up hall pass] It's right here.
Cartman As The Dawg: Alright, cool, brah. Go with Christ.
[Cartman starts to walk away.]
Kid: What, you can't just push me up against the--?
[Cartman kicks the kid, sending him flying off screen.]

Kyle: [to Stan and Kenny] Guys, can I talk to you?
Stan: Sure, dude.
Kyle: I need you to keep quiet about this, all right?
[Cartman walks up.]
Kyle: My little brother and his teach—-
Cartman As The Dawg: Brahs, it's almost class time. Need ya start clearing the hallways, alright?
Kyle: Not now, Cartman, I have really serious problems!
Stan: Dude, what's the matter?
Kyle: The kindergarten teacher is having sex with my little brother.
[Long silence.]
Stan: Wow.
Kenny: Really?!
Cartman As The Dawg: Damn, brah, your lil' brother is pretty cool.
Kyle: It's not cool, Ike isn't old enough to understand.
Cartman As The Dawg: What's there to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around a bit, then stick it inside her and pee.
[Long pause.]
Kyle: [sarcastically] Stick it inside her and pee?
Cartman As The Dawg: Well, okay, fine, unless you don't want her to get pregnant. Then you pull it out and pee on her leg.
Stan: Dude, I really don't see a problem.
Cartman As The Dawg: Yeah, I got bigger things to deal with.
Kyle: You guys don't understand. His wacko teacher's like a schoolgirl! They pass notes in the classroom, they have sex at her house over lunch break.
[Cartman starts to walk off.]
Kyle: And during class they sneak out and kiss in the hallways.
[Cartman pauses.]
Cartman As The Dawg: They what?
Kyle: They sneak out during class and make out in the hallways.
Cartman As The Dawg: [turns around] Hang on a second, Making out in the hallways is strictly against school policy.
Kyle: Well, they're doing it.
Cartman As The Dawg: Yeah, well now it's personal.

Cartman As The Dawg: [sings]
The fear of darkness is all around you
The criminal are on the run
Now you better bring your hall pass
I'll take you to the principal office cause I'm the Dawg
I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg
The hallway monitor

Cartman As The Dawg: [sings]
I got some bad-ass guys to help me
I only have to pay them fifteen bucks
If you think you can get away without having a hall pass
You won't get away from me, 'cause I'm the Dawg
I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg
Think you can get away without having a hall pass, think again.

Cop: Hey kid, you need to get off the roof now.
Cartman As The Dawg: That's cool, I'm done making my video anyways.

[after Miss Stevenson has killed herself]

Cartman As The Dawg: Well, once again, The Dawg has prevailed. I hope you've learned kids, that if you don't go with Christ, you could end up just like that splattered bitch down on the pavement.

Cartman As The Dawg: We can do this the easy way or we can do it Dawggie style.

Kyle: Hello, my name is Brad. I need to report a crime-anonymously.
Sgt Yates: Okay, Brad, what's the crime?
Kyle: I attend South Park Elementary, and one of the teachers is having sex with a student.
All Policemen: (pause for a moment, then a dramatic uproar) Oh my God! (Sgt Yates and Murphy stand near Kyle, Murphy is holding a notebook).
Sgt Yates: You did the right thing telling the police, Brad. So who is this teacher-what is his name?
Kyle: Well, it isn't a guy teacher, it's a woman.
Sgt Yates: (sounding surprised) a woman? But she's ugly, right?
Kyle: No, not really. It's the Kindergarten teacher, Miss Stephenson.
Sgt Yates: (even more surprised) the blon?
Kyle: Yeah.
Another policeman: Miss Stephenson is having sex with a student?
Kyle: Yeah.
Sgt Yates: Nice. You're sure they've had sex?
Kyle: Yes.
Sgt Yates: Has she performed oral sex on him?
Kyle: I think so.
Officers: Nice.
Sgt Yates: Wait, what's the crime?
Policeman: The crime is she's not doing it with me! (policemen laugh)
Kyle: What? He's totally underage! She's taking advantage of him!
Sgt Yates: You're right. This is serious. We must find this kid and give him his "Luckiest Boy in America" medal right away! (policemen laugh again. Kyle howls in frustration and runs off)

Butters: Hey there Mr. Weiner, what do you know. Do you have to tinkle, tinkle? Yes, I do think so.

Cartman: 'Kay so then, I put my finger up my butthole, right? And I walked up to Kelly Nelson and say, "Do you smell Lemongrass?" And smelled my finger and puked! (laughs) Oh, God. You should've been there.
Hall Monitor: Eric, I have to report you to the principal's office.
Cartman: What?! I didn't do anything! Kelly Nelson is a liar!
Hall Monitor: I've been assigned to take you to the principal's office.
Cartman: Aw, suck my balls, you ginger-jew-rat hall monitor! Punk-ass stoolie. Who the fuck do you think you are?!

Hell on Earth 2006 [10.11]

Satan's minion: Satan, we have a problem.
Satan: What?
Satan's minion: One of the guests has turned up in a crocodile hunter costume, and it's really offending some of the other guests!
Satan: Oh jeez (Walks across the party to a guest in a crocodile hunter outfit) Erm, er, dude, the whole crocodile hunter thing, it's just a little soon, you know. I mean, He only died a few weeks ago! It's just not cool, gotta leave.
Steve Irwin: But it's me Satan, Steve Irwin! I am the crocodile hunter!
Satan: Oh. oh but then dude, no costume, Sorry you're gonna have to go!
Steve Irwin: (Being dragged away) Wait! I thought we were friends!
Satan: Oh hey Sinatra!

Satan: (having been told his guests don't care about the Acura cake) It's not about them, it's about me-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e!!
Satan's minion: Wow, what a jerk!

Satan: (to crowd) Everybody, I'm sorry. Halloween is for you. It's for all of you who make my life so special. If I don't realise that, then I'm no better than a rich American teenage girl.

Butters: But Dad, Biggie Smalls is gonna bust a cap in my ass!

Satan: Then, at midnight for dessert, I was thinking we could bring out a giant chocolate fondue fountain.
Hotel owner: Oh yeah. P. Diddy had his birthday here a couple of years back and he had one of those.
Satan: Oh, screw that then. I don't want a fondue fountain if P. Diddy had one.
Satan's minion: Does it matter?
Satan: Yes, it matters! I don't want to do it if Diddy did it.
Satan's minion: How about a donut machine?
Satan: (to hotel owner) did Diddy do it?
Hotel owner: Diddy did do it.
Satan: A full ice cream bar!
Hotel owner: Diddy did it.
Satan: Dammit, what didn't Diddy do?!

Go God Go [10.12]

Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist Allegiance): Science damn you, Unified Atheist Alliance!

Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist Allegiance): Know this, time child! I shall smash your skull like a clam on my tummy!

Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist Allegiance): I shall personally kill the time child, and eat his entrails on my tummy!

Ms. Garrison: I'm not a monkey! I'm a woman.

Kyle: [to Cartman] Yeah, I hate you, but I'm not going to help kill you!
Cartman: I thought you were my friends! I guess I was wrong! After all we've been through together, you guys won't even help me freeze myself.

Cartman: Okay, how long until the Nintendo Wii comes out?
Stan: It's still three weeks.
Cartman: Oh, God! [pause] Okay, how long is it now?
Kyle: Will you shut up already?
Ms. Garrison: Okay children, it is now my job to teach you the theory of evolution.
Butters: Oh, boy!
Ms. Garrison: Now, I for one think that evolution is a bunch of bullcrap, but I'm told I have to teach it anyway. [speaking of evolution] It was thought up by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this. In the beginning we were all fish, okay, swimming around in the water. And then one day a couple of fish had a retard baby, and the retard baby was different, so it got to live. So retard fish goes on to make more retard babies, and then one day a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with itsmutant fish hands, and it had butt-sex with a squirrel or something, and made this retard frog-squirrel, and then that had a retard baby which was a monkey-fish-frog, and then this monkey-fish-frog had butt-sex with that monkey; that monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey and that made you. So there you go. You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt-sex with a fish-squirrel!! Congratulations!
Cartman: Arrrghh! I can't take it anymore!! [runs of screaming]
Ms. Garrison: See, I knew that would happen.

EV Games Employee: [to Cartman] Look, kid, for the 40th time: pacing in front of the store isn't going to make the Wii come any faster.

Ms. Garrison: Then if I'm a monkey, I might as well act like one. [starts acting like a monkey, pulls down her pants]
Richard Dawkins: What on Earth are you doing?!
[Garrison defecates in her hand.]
Ms. Garrison: Don't ask me! I'm just a fucking monkey!!
[She throws feces at Dawkins' face.]

Go God Go XII [10.13]

United Athiest League member: Our answer to the Great Question is the only logical one. Our Science is great. Let us not forget the great Richard Dawkins who finally freed the world of religion long ago. Dawkins knew that logic and reason were the way of the future, but it wasn't until he met his beautiful wife that he learned using logic and reason isn't enough. You have to be a dick to everyone who doesn't think like you.

[Richard Dawkins runs out Mrs. Garrison's house after discovering she had a sex change.]
Ms. Garrison: Fine then! Go ahead and leave, you atheist faggot! Have fun mocking God in hell, you queer!

Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist Allegiance): Kill the table-eaters, IN THE NAME OF ALMIGHTY SCIENCE!
K-10: I missed you, bark bark.
Eric Cartman:Suck my balls K-10, I'm not in the mood

Stanley's Cup [10.14]

[The county official takes out a record player and it begins playing a bass rhythm.]
County official: Stan Marsh is a bright young man. He's got a great family, a promising paper route. Only problem is...[record scratch]...his bike's been impounded! But now, he's about to find out that getting his bike back isn't so easy!

County official: Stan Marsh is a washed-up fourth grader. He's got no job, no bicycle! And his only way out is to coach...[record scratch]...a pee-wee hockey team! And now, he's about to find out that to coach, you've got to grow.

Number 8: Coach, I have to go potty!
Stan: All right, fine, go ahead.
Number 8: By myself?
Stan: Just, hold it a while, okay?
Number 7: What does 'passing' mean?
Stan: When you shoot the puck to another player!
Number 15: My mommy says I'm as big as the sky!
Number 3: Coach, Morgan spit on my foot!
Number 6 (Morgan): I did not!

Number 6: Coach, please don't let us lose to Adams County. My daddy will beat me again.

Randy Marsh: Your mother's been worried sick! And I've been watching TV.

Randy Marsh: Have you forgotten what happened all those years ago? Or are you just trying to make up for it?
Stan: [frustrated] What are you talking about?
Randy Marsh: Your pee-wee hockey game! At the Pepsi Center? In-between periods of the Colorado Avalanche?
Stan: I remember going to Shakey's afterwards...

Dr. Doctor: That kid's got as much hope as Steve Irwin in a tank full of stingrays.

Season 11

With Apologies to Jesse Jackson [11.1]

Randy: Oh, all right, I'd like to solve the puzzle...: Niggers!

Principal Victoria: Stacy, go ahead and send in Eric Cartman.
[Cartman enters the room and starts laughing at Dr. Nelson.]
Principal Victoria: Eric, Mr. Nelson is concerned about how you react to little people.
Cartman: Oh. Did I hurt its little feelings? Ha ha ha!
Dr. Nelson: You know, you think you have the power to make me insecure, but your words are actually completely powerless.
Cartman: Oh-oh-oh-oh! If we could get, like, 8 of these, we can dress them all up like little beavers, right? And then put them in a pond, and see if they'll build a dam!
Dr. Nelson: You see? No matter what you say, I'm still standing!
Cartman: Barely!
Dr. Nelson: No matter how you act, I can rise above it!
Cartman: Rise above it! Get it? Like he can rise above anything!
Dr. Nelson: Shut your fucking mouth!
Principal Victoria: Mr. Nelson!
Dr. Nelson: He didn't get to me. I was just joking.
Cartman: Look, look how its face gets all red. It's like a little strawberry.
Dr. Nelson: Arrh!

Stan: I get it now. After that little person talked the other day, I understand how you feel about somebody saying the N-word.
Token: So black people are midgets?
Stan: Goddammit!

Token: Jesse Jackson is not the Emperor of Black People!
[Token walks away.]
Stan: [long pause] He told my dad he was.

Kids: [Cartman enters the gym] Hello, fatso.
Cartman: Ey! What the hell is that? You think that's fucking funny?! Kyle, did you put everyone up to this? I bet you did! What the hell is going on?
Dr. Nelson: Now you know how it feels.
[Cartman starts laughing again.]
Dr. Nelson: You better shut up or I'm gonna kick your ass!
Cartman: All right, all right, who is the fricking genius who dressed it up in little suspenders? Clyde, was that you?

Randy:Words with venom, words that bind, words used like weapons to cloud my mind./I'm a person, I'm a man./But no matter how hard I try. People just say 'Hey, there goes that Nigger Guy.'/Everywhere I go, it's always the same.I can't get away from that terrible name:/'Hey Nigger guy, nigger guy, nigger guy. Stop!'/Now go, call me nigger guy, fill me with your hate/Try to bring me down, ohh up, you're too late!/Someone beat you to it. But my dream will not die. To be thought of as more than just 'Nigger Guy.' [Pause] Respect.

Cartman Sucks [11.2]

Cartman: You guys! I got it! Seriously! It's the greatest picture ever! Oh my God!
Stan: Whatcha do to Butters this time?
Cartman: It was genius! I waited 'til he was totally asleep, right? And then I got my camera, and I pulled down his pants, and then I took a picture of his wiener in my mouth! (He cracks up at his own cleverness)
Stan: Dude!
Cartman: I know, I know. Check it out. Look. (The other three crowd in and look at the picture) I got his whole wiener in my mouth, see? Ha ha. Oh man, I got him good!
Stan: Dude, how is putting Butters' wiener in his mouth getting him?
Cartman: Because that makes Butters gay now!
Kyle: No, dude, that makes you gay!
Cartman: Uh, what?
Kyle: You put a guy's wiener in your mouth, that makes you gay, stupid!
Cartman: (Looks more closely at the picture) Nuh-uh.
Kyle: Yeah-huh!
Cartman: Kenny, that doesn't make me gay, huh?
Kenny: (muffled) Ha-ha, that makes you very fucking gay.
Cartman: But I'm not--I'm not gay, you guys!
Stan: You are now.
Cartman: No--no, it was a stupid mistake!
Kyle: Doesn't matter. You're gay now.
Cartman: No, it was just for a second! (Seeing that his plan has backfired, he puts the picture away) What--What can I do? How--How can I reverse this?
Stan: You can't!
Kyle: No--no wait. I--I know how you can reverse it, Cartman.
Cartman: How?
Kyle: The only way you can cancel it out is to get Butters to put your wiener in his mouth.
Cartman: (in low voice) Really?
Kyle: Yeah. Then it cancels out the gay polarity.
[long silence]
Cartman: Shit, I gotta find Butters! (He runs off)
Kyle: Idiot.

[Butters is playing with his toys]
Butters: Loo Loo Loo, I've got some apples, Loo Loo Loo, You've got some too. Loo Loo Loo...
[Cartman enters the room]
Cartman: Butters.
Butters: Whoa, hey, Eric.
Cartman: Butters, guess what? I have a surprise for you.
Butters: A surprise? What is it?
Cartman: It's so fucking awesome. You're gonna be so stoked. It's the best surprise ever!
Butters: Oh, boy!
Cartman: You ready?
Butters: Y-yeah!
Cartman: Okay! Just open your mouth and close your eyes and--and get on your knees!
[Butters closes his eyes, opens his mouth, and gets on his knees]
Butters: Oh, OK!
[Cartman grabs a bandanna from his back pocket and makes a blindfold from it, then puts it on Butters]
Cartman: Hang on a second here. (He makes sure the blindfold is on snugly)
Butters: How come, uh, I can't see?
Cartman: 'Cause then it wouldn't be a surprise, would it? (He rushes off to get the toy box)
Butters: Oh, uh, ho, yeah.
Cartman: (under his breath) All right, that's good. (He undoes his pants) OK, open your mouth, Butters. (He lowers them) That's good, just like that.
Butters: (now wary) Hey. Hey wait a minute. This ain't a trick, is it? You're not gonna, eh, stick something yucky in my mouth, are ya?
Cartman: I swear on my mother's life, Butters, I am not going to stick anything yucky in your mouth. (He lifts up his shirt to show his massive gut)
Butters: OK!
Cartman: All right, you ready? (He grabs Butters' head and draws it closer to his own penis) All right just--okay, open, uh, OK, OK, here it comes. Just sit very still, OK? Here we go.
[At that moment the door opens and Butters' dad enters]
Steven Stotch: Butters!
Cartman: Uh! (He dresses quickly.)
Butters: Whoa! Hey, Dad!
(Cartman steps down from the toy box and runs away)
Steven: Butters! What are you doing?!
Butters: I'm getting a surprise! (He points to his mouth)
Steven: Oh my God! My, my only son, reduced to this! (He takes the blindfold off of Butters)
Butters: (looks around) Hey. Where'd Eric go?
Steven: (quite concerned, on bended knee) Butters, how long have you been doing stuff like this?
Butters: Like what?
Steven: Don't lie to me, Butters! I know your secret now! No, wait, wait. It's OK. It's OK, Butters. This isn't a serious problem. You're just bi-curious.
Butters: What's...bi-curious?
Steven: You are. Just harmless curiosity, and it doesn't mean anything. We just need to get you some help, Butters.
[Butters' mom appears at the doorway]
Linda Stotch: What's going on, you two?
Butters: Nothing, Mom, I'm just a little bi-curious. (He smiles)

[Cartman is trying to retrieve the picture of Butters' penis in Cartman's mouth, but it's nowhere to be found. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are playing basketball at the community park]
Stan: Aw, man, I've got H.O.R.S. now. (He steps aside as Kenny receives the ball)
Kyle: Okay, my turn. (Kenny gives him the ball and Kyle prepares to shoot. Cartman approaches the park behind him)
Cartman: Where is it, you filthy Jew?!
Kyle: (throws up the ball) Where's what?
[Cartman grabs Kyle by the collar and shakes him violently]
Cartman: You know goddamn well what!
Kyle: Let go of me!
Stan: What the hell are you doing, Cartman?!
Cartman: I went home to alter the picture of me with Butters' penis in my mouth to look like Kyle, but it was gone! (He shakes Kyle again) What did you do with my picture?!
Kyle: Knock it off! I don't have your stupid picture!
[Cartman rolls up his sleeves]
Cartman: Give it back, Kyle!
Kyle: I don't have it!
[Cartman stretches his arms left and right, then up and down]
Cartman: I swear to God, Kyle, if you don't give it back right now, (He puts up his fists as if to box) I'm gonna break your fucking Jew legs right here.
Kyle: Shut up.
Cartman: You shut up! You're lying, (He points an accusing finger at Stan and Kenny) and you two are covering up for him! You know what? You're just like Jews yourselves! (He points to Stan) Stan, you're a Jew, (He then points to Kenny) and Kenny, you're a Jew! You're all Jews!
[Kyle punches him on the right arm once, firmly]
Cartman: Ow! (He puts his left hand over his right arm) Ow! Aaargh! (He grimaces, turns around, and runs out of the park, screaming)

[Butters and Bradley, his roommate at church camp, are writing verses after Bradley got them in trouble.]
Bradley: Butters, I'm sorry for getting you into trouble.
Butters: Aw, that's OK, Bradley.
Bradley: I really want to get better. I do everything the counselors say, but somehow I still feel confused.
Butters: Yeah, well, hopefully when we finish these verses, we won't be bi-curious no more and then we can go home!
Bradley: You're really terrific, Butters. I mean, I think you're great. (smiles, then pauses, becoming horrified.) UH-OH. OH,GOD. Bad thoughts! Bad thoughts! (jumps out of chair, panicked.)
Butters: What's the matter?
Bradley: I-I think I...I think I like you.
Butters: Well, I like you too, Bradley!
Bradley: YOU DO?! You like-like me?!
Butters: Sure, Bradley! I like-like you a lot-lot! Hahaha!
Bradley: OH GOD. WE'RE BOTH UNFIXABLE.

Lice Capades [11.3]

Mrs. Garrison: All right, students, let's take our seats. Apparently we have a little problem here at the school which we need to talk about.
Cartman: Ah, yes. [points to Kyle] You mean the Jew problem. Good, good. I'm glad we're going to finally do something about it.

Cartman: We all know the only person who can spread the lice here is Kenny and the Jew.
Kenny: (muffled) What?! Fuck you!

[Clyde is in the waiting room awaiting treatment for his lice]
Girl: I have an ear infection. What are you here for?
Clyde: I have...I have AIDS.

[Kenny's parka is pulled off and thrown away, leaving only his underpants]
Cartman: All right, Kenny, you know what has to happen. Sock bath! Everyone wash Kenny with the soap and dry him off with the socks! (The students attack Kenny)
Kenny: [unmuffled] No, no, not the socks! No!

The Snuke [11.4]

Hillary Clinton: What is going on, Brian?
Brian: Ms. Clinton, it appears that terrorists have snuck a snuke up your sniz.
Hillary Clinton: [fanning face] Oh my.
Brian: What can we do? Can we disable the timer?
Alan Thompson: It won't have a timer. Snukes are detonated remotely. Whoever our terrorist is has the detonator with him.
Brian: But then that means--
Alan Thompson: Yes. If we don't find that detonator, everyone in the town of South Park is going to die. Forever.

Cartman: Do you know what this is? This is apple juice! It gives me super-bad farts!

Homeland Security Head: Ferris, set up over there. Two of you can take that bed area.
Kyle: Hey!
Homeland Security Head: Donner, take over that station.
Kyle: What's going on?
Homeland Security Head: This department is being absorbed by Homeland Security.
Kyle: Homeland Security?
Homeland Security Head: Look, your little game of going over people's heads is over. You can still work, but from now on you answer to me. You got that?
FBI Head: Excuse me, who's in charge here?
Homeland Security Head: I am.
FBI Head: Yeah, well, not anymore you're not. This department has just been assigned to the FBI.
Homeland Security Head: That's outrageous! On whose orders?
FBI Head: On order of the Secretary of Defense. You had your shot, now I'm in charge.
ATF Head: Not anymore you're not. Orders just came down from Central. They want ATF handling this on all fronts. All right, people, from now on you're answering to me.
President's Staff Head: Not anymore they're not. Orders from the President. He wants this handled by his staff personally. Now Nelson is in charge.
Nelson: Not anymore I'm not! [Awkward silence in room]

Staff Assistant: Sir, these kids are right. We've just received intel that Russian terrorists are believed to be responsible for the threat.
Staff Head: Where's the intel from?
Staff Assistant: We just read it on Drudge Report.

Staff Head: We do this my way! I'm the one in charge!
Kyle: [pauses] Not anymore you're not.
Staff Head: Oh, snap. [walks off, depressed]

Alan Thompson: The game is over! Get down on the ground!
Vladimir Stolfsky: How did they find us?
Alan Thompson: We know about everything. Your diversion to help the redcoats is over.
Vladimir Stolfsky: It doesn't matter. The detonator is on a timer. You are too late. In 3 minutes--
[Power outage]
Vladimir Stolfsky: What the hell?
SWAT Team Member: The power went out.
Alan Thompson: So then what time is it?
[Power returns and clock is stuck on 12:00:00]
Vladimir Stolfsky: Oh, crap!

Fantastic Easter Special [11.5]

[Cartman on Easter Bunny's lap in the mall]
Cartman: ...and I want a Baltor soldier doll for Easter, and 5 crash-and-go RC cars, you got that? DO YOU HAVE THAT?!
Easter Bunny: Uh...don't you think that's....
Cartman: No! No! You don't ask me questions! You are a rabbit. I am a human. If you don't bring me what I want for Easter, I can fuckin' kill you!
[Camerawoman takes a picture of Cartman and Easter Bunny. Cartman leaves]
Cartman: [happily] Bye, Easter Bunny!
Easter Bunny: Oh my God!

[Ninjas enter Professor Teabag's mansion and sneak up behind the butler, who is polishing silver. The butler senses and turns to see them.]

Butler: MR TEABAG, GET OUT!!! [ninjas kill him]
Stan: They found me!!
Prof. Teabag: Boys, get out of here. (opens a window and lets Stan and Kyle down a ladder) Head to the woods, I'll try to buy you some time. (goes over to table and gets a box of marshmallow peeps.)
Ninja: (distantly) Check upstairs! (Teabag puts peeps into oven) Kitchen's clear, try the office! (Teabag sets oven for 15 seconds. Ninja bursts through the door) In here... (ninja follows and notices peeps in oven) What's that? (peeps swell in oven as microwave ticks down. Teabag closes his eyes) PEEPS!! (oven explodes. Explosion kills Teabag and ninjas and destroys mansion).

[In a Vatican Holding Cell]
Jesus: We have no choice, Kyle, You're going to have to kill me.
Kyle: What!
Jesus: Stab me with this! [Shows Kyle the nail file] If I die I can resurrect outside the bars.
Kyle: No way! Do it yourself.
Jesus: Suicide is blasphemy. There's no choice here, Kyle.
Kyle: Dude, you don't understand. I'm a Jew. I have a few hang-ups about killing Jesus.
Jesus: Just make it quick, through the neck, I'll rise again immediately.
Kyle: Don't make me do this.
Jesus: My son, there is no time, DO IT!
Kyle: ...Eric Cartman can never know about this.
Jesus: I understand, and Kyle...Happy Easter.
Kyle: Happy Easter, Jesus. [Stabs Jesus in neck]
Jesus: [Makes dying noises and runs around cell bleeding to death]
Kyle: Jesus?

D-Yikes! [11.6]

[Mrs. Garrison "defends" a lesbian bar, called "Les Bos", from a Persian takeover]

Mrs. Garrison: Would you allow straight people in? Men?!
Persian Messenger: Well, we would allow whoever--
Mrs. Garrison: Choose your next words carefully, Persian!
Persian Messenger: Look, pal, we don't have to offer you anything, so...I don't know why you're being so difficult. This is crazy!
Mrs. Garrison: No. This isn't crazy. This...is..."Les Bos"!

[Mrs. Garrison kicks the Persian Messenger in the balls, in slow motion. The Persian Messenger screams in slow-motion agony.]

Fellow Messenger: How dare you!

[Mrs. Garrison twists her body in slow motion à la Oracle Girl from 300.]


Mrs. Garrison: Scissor me timbers!

Mrs. Garrison: I saw the way you were looking at me. Scissoring me with your eyes.

Mrs. Garrison: I mean, really I don't even understand how two women can make love, unless they just kind of scissor or something.

Mrs. Garrison: Children, I have to tell you something that you might find shocking. [Mrs. Garrison sighs] I'm gay.
Stan: Again?

Mrs. Garrison: I know you're actually a woman.
Xerxes: How...? How did you find that out?
Mrs. Garrison: I hired Mexicans to spy on you! They saw you working out at Curves.
Xerxes: You don't understand. Women can't be the boss in Persian culture. Nobody can know about this.

Night of the Living Homeless [11.7]

Cartman: [jumps off his skateboard] Yes! I did it! [tosses his helmet away] I jumped over the homeless! [turns around] Yes!
Kenny: (Ye-es!)
Stan: That was a sweet idea, Kyle. [smiles]
Kyle: Goddammit, that wasn't my idea!

Randy: Wah-h-h! I don't have any more change! [makes his way through the crowd of bums] No-o! I don't have any change! I don't have any cha-a-a-nge!! [disappears under the sea of homeless people]

Chris Swollenballs: In the meantime, South Park citizens are being advised to stay indoors and protect their change.
Bum 9: [appears behind him in the newsroom] Spare some change?
Chris: What the...? You can't be in here.
Bum 9: Ya got any change, sir?
Chris: No I don't have any change. How did he get in here?
Bum 10: Cha-a-a-a-a-nge?
Chris: No, please. I don't have any change. Honest, I don't. I don't have any! [PLEASE STAND BY screen pops up, station goes off the air]

Gerald: Don't have any change. Don't have any change. Dammit! All right, you want change? Here. [reaches into his left pocket and tosses some change off to his left] There! There's some change. All right, a little bit. [reaches into his right pocket and tosses some change off to his right] There you go. Take the change. [leaves, but stops himself] Oh wait. Wait, now I don't have any change left for the bus. Hold on. Can I just get back some of that change, please?
Bum 12: Change, sir?
Gerald: Can I have just a little change for the bus, please? I need a little--anybody have some change? Change? Got any change? [Randy follows Gerald through his binoculars] Change. Change? [Randy lowers his binoculars in horror]
Steven: What happened?
Randy:[closes his eyes] He's become one of them.

Steve: Oh, God. One of them is a war veteran. [more knocking] We're gonna have to give him some change.

Homeless Advisor: They feed on our change. They need it in order to keep them moving
Bum 14: Is that...is that some spare change?
Homeless Advisor: Somehow they're able to take our change and turn it into nourishment, sustenance.
Bum 14: Spare some of that change, sir?
Homeless Advisor: But now watch. [drops some coins into the bum's cup and walks back to the boys. The bum rattles his cup a bit]
Bum 14: Spare some change?
Homeless Advisor: It has already completely forgotten that I've given it change. It just wants more, change. Look over here. [heads to his left and the boys follow] This one I've kept deprived of change for over three days.
Bum 15: Cha-a-a-a-a-nge?
Kyle: What's it doing?
Homeless Advisor: It's dying.
Cartman: Cool.

[Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman fall in the sewer]
Cartman: Awww, now it really smells like Kenny's house
Kenny::[muffled] Dude, stop fucking talking about my house.
Cartman: Kenny, relax, man. We all gotta stick together.

Homeless Woman:Do you have any change, sir?
Cartman: NO! FUCK OFF!!!! [He slams the door]

Kyle: Hi. [Bum turns around to look at him] I've uh, I've been saving up for a new X-Box game, but but I think you could use the money a lot more than I could. [Bum stares] Listen, I...I want you to take this. It's $20. [Kyle gives the money to the bum, backs up and smiles]
Bum: [Pauses] Got any more?
Kyle: [Smile disappears] No, that's--I thought that was a lot.
Bum: [Turns away and takes a few steps away from Kyle] Spare any change?
Kyle: You're welcome. [Turns and walks away while looking at the ground in shock]

[Randy is walking down the sidewalk]
Bum 1: Spare some change?
Randy: No, sorry I don't have any change.
Bum 2: Got any change?
Randy: No, sorry. [Bum follows him]
Bum 3: Can you spare some change?
Randy: [Looks over his shoulder at the bum, speechless, continues walking and bumps into a bum in front of him]
Bum 4: Cha-a-a-ange?
Randy: Ah! I don't have any change! [Bums begin to surround him]
Bum 5: Change?
Randy: No!
Bum 6: Cha-a-a-nge?
Randy: [Runs off]
Bum 7: Spare some change?
Randy: Leave me alone, I don't have any change!!
Bum 7: All right, God bless you, sir.
Randy: Aw, now I feel bad! Here! [Runs back and puts some change in the cup] Ah-h-h! [Runs off due to the bums following him]
Bums: [Following Randy] Cha-a-a-a-nge, cha-a-a-a-a-nge! [Zombie-like tone]

Bum 7: Spare some change?
Randy: I just gave you change!

Stan: We're not having Cartman jump over more homeless people.
Kyle: (angrily) That wasn't my idea!

Stan: (to Kyle after Cartman has jumped over three homeless people) Seriously, I don't know what you see in this Kyle.

Evergreen Leader's Wife: (she is horribly burned and missing her lips) You burned my lips off!
Evergreen Leader: I nurned your rip sauce?

Le Petit Tourette [11.8]

Mrs. Garrison: [writing on blackboard] Okay, so what do we get when we multiply a negative number--
Cartman: Dick tits!
Mrs. Garrison: [pauses for a few seconds] --when we multiply a negative number by another negative--
Cartman: Shit! Asshole! [Stan and Kyle glance back at him. Mrs. Garrison sighs; Cartman smiles] Excuse me.
Mrs. Garrison: --And if we apply what we've just learned, we see that all negatives can--
Cartman: Splooge! Balls! Bloody vaginal belch!
[The whole class giggles]
Cartman: [in a sing-song voice] You guys, don't laugh; it makes me feel insecure about my illness.
Mrs. Garrison: All right, kids, let's just try to focus on learning, OK? Now all you need to remember here is that negative numbers--
Cartman: Tampons! Tampon dick shit!
Kyle: Will you knock it off, already!
Cartman: Kyle, don't you think I wish I could? I'd give anything to be normal like you. Kike!
Kyle: Don't push me, asshole!
Mrs. Garrison: Kyle! Watch your language! [Cartman begins laughing maniacally]
Craig: If I could yell, "Tampon dick shit" in the classroom, I'd be so happy.

Thomas: Aw, shit! Cock! [his tic]

[Kyle visits the Children's Therapy Center to see children who really have Tourette's]

Mr. Donaldson: Well, Mr. and Mrs. Broflovski, I think your son has learned a lot and he appears to be honestly remorseful for making fun of people with disabilities. Piss! Piss!! [his tic]
Sheila Broflovski: Our son is a good kid; he just didn't understand that Tourette's is a real disease.
Mr. Donaldson: Well, I think the only thing left is for your son to apologize to his little classmate. [Cartman walks up and bats his eyes in anticipation]
Gerald Broflovski: Well, Kyle?
Kyle: [through his teeth, with his fists clenched] I'm sorry.
Cartman: What was that? I couldn't quite make that out, Kyle.
Kyle: I'm sorry!
Cartman: You're "starry?" I don't get what you mean by that, Kyle. You're starry because I--
Kyle: I said I'm sorry, you piece of--! [cuts himself off]
Cartman: Oh-oh, no, don't worry about it, Kyle, I understand. I've learned to deal with intolerance. Dumbshit douchebag! And it means a lot that you're standing here, apologizing, with your dad and lovely mother. Fat Jew! Jew bitch! [covers mouth]
Sheila: Oh, thank you, Eric.
Cartman: Thank you. Big-nosed kike!!
Mr. Donaldson: Well, I think we can all put all this behind us now. Piss out my ass!!
Cartman: Yeah! Piss out your ass right onto Kyle's mom's fat fucking Jew face!!! [coughs] Oh goodness, excuse me. Oh geez, that was a bad one.

Cartman: (to Thomas) Isn't having Tourettes awesome!? [Thomas raises an eyebrow suspiciously]

Cartman: This Saturday I will go on national television, live. I will say horrible things on the air. Despicable things!...And people will call me brave.

Cartman: Finally, my wish of going public with my illness can come true. Goddamn Jews! Suck my ass-barf!

Cartman: Thank you, everybody. Suck my balls!

Cartman: So I'm sorry, but I'm not doing the show and that's it. Goodbye! [gets up out of his seat and starts walking away]
Chris Hansen: Why don't you take a seat?
Cartman: No, I don't want to take a seat.
Chris Hansen: Have a seat.
Cartman: No, I'm just going to--
Chris Hansen: Take a seat, right over there. [Cartman walks over]
Cartman: How does he do that?
Chris Hansen: You know, one time, I was doing a show called "To Catch a Predator," and we almost caught this pedophile, but then he ran from us because he didn't want to be on "Dateline." So we tracked him down at his house, and you know what he did? He shot himself. It'd be a shame if you didn't want to be on "Dateline." It'd be a shame if we had to track you down and you "shot yourself."
Cartman: "I just peed my pants!" [Covers his mouth, shocked]"

Thomas: Stupid shit!

Cartman: This Saturday I will actually say anything I want on national television. I'm going to blast the Jews, Kyle. I'm going to call them every name in the book, and people will call it brilliant television. They'll probably give me an Emmy.

Cartman: Titty sprinkles!

Pedophile 1: Oh, no! Chris Hansen?! [shoots himself in the head]
Pedophile 2: "Dateline?!" [shoots himself in the head]
Pedophile 3: There aren't really brownies?! [shoots himself in the head]

More Crap [11.9]

[Randy is sitting on the toilet, straining and groaning for a long time. Meanwhile, a banner appears on the screen: "Emmy Award-Winning Series"]

Randy: Oh, God. Oh, here it comes. [he goes for the final push, which has him pushing himself off the toilet seat by his hands several times. A few seconds later, the banner and award disappear.] Whoa, hot! Hot, hot! Whoa-a-a, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!! [a view from the street. Randy's moans can be heard; he can be seen moving about] Whoa, whoa-a-a! Whoa, hot! Hot, hot, hot-hot-hot-hot, hot, hot!! [Back in the bathroom, the stool finally comes out] Doh-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!!! O-o-oh! Oo-hoo. [sobs in relief] Oh-h-h, it's over. It's over. [reaches for the toilet paper to wipe his ass clean] Oh, God. [puts his briefs and pants back up in place] I feel so much better. Oh. [a view from within the toilet: Randy turns around to flush, but stops, looks down, and crouches down for a better look] Wow! That...is huge. That has got to be the biggest crap I've ever taken. He--Hey, Sharon. Sharon, you gotta come see this. Sha-Sharon?

Randy: [from the heart] I almost did it. I almost made something of myself. You know, when you get real close, you start thinking that maybe your life is gonna matter. [sobs some more] I mean, this was something I made! Something that came from me! That was a part of me! The only thing I ever made that was any good!
Stan: Gee, thanks, Dad.
Randy: You're welcome.

Stan: Do you really need the biggest-crap record? Could you maybe see your way to just letting my dad have this one?
Bono: Let him have it?! Why would I do that?!
Stan: Look, you gotta understand, sir. My dad's never won an award for anything. Ever. He doesn't have one single trophy. I mean, even I have a second-place trophy for most Sports Illustrated subscriptions sold.
Bono: I have the first-place trophy for that.
Stan: [surprised] Dude, don't you have enough? I mean, you got tons of money, a jet, and the biggest rock band in the world, a hot wife, and you've been knighted. I mean, at some point, can't you just kind of fuck off?

Butler: Look, I first knew something was wrong when I looked at Bono's first award for biggest crap. It said he took it in 1960.
Stan: So?
Butler: So that's the year Bono was born. Then it all made sense to me. How could Bono be so talented, so caring, and yet seem like such a piece of crap? Because he is crap. Don't you get it? Bono is not the record holder.
Stan: He's the record.

Herr Broloff: I'm sorry Mr. Marsh, but if you cannot crap out the crap, it is not really a crap.

Randy: I'm sorry, Sharon. Sorry that I let you down. I'm sorry I can't crap like Bono.

Herr Broloff: My little crap has accomplished many things. But he could never shed the fact that he was really a number two. So he spent his life trying to be number one, in everything.
Stan: That's why he's able to do so much, try to help so many people, but still seem like such a piece of shit.

Imaginationland [11.10]

[Cartman is looking for a leprechaun. If he sees it, Kyle will suck his balls; if not, he will owe Kyle $10. This is the plot of the whole trilogy.]
Kyle: This is so retarded, Cartman. You've got everyone believing your stupid story.
Cartman: (setting up a trip wire between two stones) It isn't a story; it's true! I saw a leprechaun. I've seen him come through here three days in a row now. (He drops the rope, walks forward, and whips out a walkie-talkie.) Hawk Eyes, this is Dragon Wind. Do you copy?
Clyde: This is Hawk Eyes. We've set up the net and we're standing by.
[Jimmy, Jason, and Craig are hoisting the net into place.]
Cartman: Copy that, Hawk Eyes. Keep surveillance tag Alpha Niner. Dragon Wind out.
Kyle: Just admit you were lying, Cartman, so that everyone can go home!
Cartman: O-ho, no! We have a deal, Kyle! If I can prove there's a leprechaun, you have to suck my balls, remember? (Whips out his walkie talkie) Dragon Wind to Blackie. What's your six, Blackie?
Token: [rather pissed off] I don't want the code name "Blackie".
Cartman: Code names are what they are, Blackie! Check your six and alert when in position! (Puts away the walkie talkie and gets back to setting the trip wire)
Kyle: This is fucking retarded!
Cartman: Ha-ha-ha, getting nervous, Kyle? When that leprechaun shows up, you must suck my balls. Don't forget I have a signed contract from you. (Finishes setting the trip wire)
Kyle: Yeah, and if you couldn't prove there was a leprechaun, you have to give me $10! Now just pay up and stop being stupid!
Cartman: [whispers loudly] Goddammit, why hasn't it shown up yet? (Whips out the walkie talkie) Dragon Wind to Faggot! Come in, Faggot!
Butters: [on a lookout platform with a telescope next to him] (in subdued manner) This is Faggot. Go ahead.
Cartman: Faggot, I need you to keep surveillance north to northeast. Check back in five.
Butters: Okay, will do. Faggot out. (Turns right and looks through the telescope, then exclaims)
Kyle: Okay, that's enough. Everybody! Cartman is just pulling one of his stupid tricks on everyone, because he's trying to get out of a deal he made!
Cartman: It was here, I swear it! I don't know why it's not showin' up this time!
Kyle: You didn't see a leprechaun, fat ass! If you could prove it, I had to suck your balls, but if you couldn't, you had to pay me ten dollars! Pay up!
Butters: Uh, I got somethin'! I got it! (The other boys turn and pay attention) It's, uh, oh, jeez, I think it's a leprechaun!
Cartman: [to Token] Set off diversion track C! (Token sets off a small bomb under a pile of leaves. Nearby a leprechaun skips into view, then stops upon seeing the boys)
Stan: Dude.
Jimmy: F-Fuck me, it's a leprechaun.
Cartman: [charging forth] Get it! (The leprechaun runs away, and the boys give chase) Get that fucking leprechaun! I want it alive!
[The leprechaun crawls under a tree trunk and gets up. He trips over a rope and a net descends on him; he dodges it and runs off. He runs into a bush and trips a sliding door, which drops down behind him. It traps him in a cage. He looks around for a way out, but sees the boys crowd in.]
Butters: Wow.
Stan: Cool.
Craig: No way.
Token: Whoa.
Jason: Wow.
Cartman: [making his way through, out of breath] Agh. Uh, move aside! Move aside! All right, butthole, where's the gold?!
Leprechaun: You lads don't know what you're doin'. I need to deliver an important message! There's goin' to be an attack!
Cartman: [gets out a Bowie knife] Tell me where the gold is or you die! (unsheaths it) Slow!
[The leprechaun makes a rainbow with his right hand, and it teleports him out and disappears]
Stan: Where'd he go?
[The leprechaun appears on a tree limb behind the boys; they turn to look at him again]
Leprechaun: I was sent to warn of a terrorist attack, but you boys have made me late. Now the terrorists will prevail! The end is near!
[The leprechaun makes a rainbow with his right hand, and it teleports him away and disappears]
Craig: Dude.
Cartman: [walks up to Kyle and clears his throat] Kyle, suck my balls.
[He brings out the contract both of them signed. Kyle stands motionless]

Imaginationland Episode II [11.11]

[The portal has now begun to act violently. Lightning shoots out from the portal and it changes color frequently. Everyone backs away.]
General: Talk to me! What's going on?!
[The guard comes in with Kyle and Cartman]
Lead Tech: Something is coming through the gate from the other side.
[A few moments later, ManBearPig walks through]
Operator: What is it?!
Tech 3: It's like a half-man, half-bear!
Lead Tech: And half-pig!
[ManBearPig grabs the tech and slams him against the portal's supporting wall]
Tech 4: Oh! No-no, wait! It's like a half-bear, half-man-pig!
[ManBearPig rips the tech's head off and tosses it towards the general. Everyone scatters]
General: Look out!
[ManBearPig jumps over and grabs the tech at both ends]
Tech 3: No! I think it's more like a half-man, and half-pig-bear!
[ManBearPig rips him in two at the waist]
General: Reverse the doorway! Send it back through!
[Kyle screams and runs away, but ManBearPig scoops him up]
Stan: (screams) Kyle!
[A dying tech pushes the red button at his station as he drops to the floor. Lightning flashes into the room as a tractor beam pulls Stan into the portal. ManBearPig resists the pull, but crushes Kyle in its left hand for several seconds. Kyle lets out a dying scream as ManBearPig lets go of him as the tractor beam fiinally pulls it in. Kyle falls on the floor, blue in the face]

[Kyle is attempted to be revived through a defibrillator]
Paramedic: Clear!
[Sends power through the paddles. Kyle rises, then falls softly. No sign of life yet. The paramedic removes the paddles]
Paramedic: I'm sorry. He's gone.
Cartman: No! Kyle can't die. (Gets on his knees and checks various parts of his body for a pulse)
Paramedic: I'm sorry, young man.
Cartman: Kyle?
Paramedic: Well, at least now he doesn't have to suck anyone's balls.
Cartman: [enraged] No-o-o! (Begins giving Kyle CPR) No, he has a strong heart! He wants to live! Come on, Kyle! Come on, buddy!
General: He's gone, little boy.
Cartman: [to the paramedic] Zap him again! (Opens Kyle's coat and shirt for better contact) Do it!
Paramedic: Charging.
Cartman: Do it!
[The paramedic places the paddles back on Kyle's body]
Cartman: Come on, buddy.
Paramedic: Clear.
Cartman: Come on, buddy.
[The paramedic fires away. Kyle rises, then falls softly. No sign of life yet.]
Cartman: Get out of here! (Goes back to giving Kyle CPR. A woman covers her eyes in despair) Goddammit, Kyle, you never walked away from anything in your life! Now fight! (Smacks Kyle around) Fight! Fight! Right now! (Begins to break down) Fight! F-i-i-ight! Fight! (slams down hard on his chest)
[Kyle coughs, then comes to. Cartman begins to weep happily.]
Cartman: Give him some air. (An oxygen mask appears and Cartman places it over Kyle's nose and mouth) There, easy. Breathe easy. (Weeps softly some more)

Butters: I'm supposed to be in school right now, but instead I have Snarf, Popeye, and Luke Skywalker all pissed off.

Imaginationland Episode III [11.12]

Aslan: Imaginationland used to be a happy place, but then the terrorists attacked, and so many of us were killed. The barrier came down and all the most evil imaginary characters were unleashed. Now our final battle must take place. The evil characters are marching toward us...with the intent to wipe us all out.
Beavery Beaver: This is gonna be fun, huh?
Woodland Critters: (cheering) Yeah!
Aslan: We prepare for a battle we cannot won. Sweet and cuddly imaginary characters, many who have never held a weapon, must now fight for their very lives. We are too few in number, but we have one hope. That is where you come in, young boy. Only you can help us win the battle.
Butters: W-What can I do?
Aslan: You have a power here that you have yet to understand.

General: If I'm not mistaken, you're the one who bet leprechauns aren't real. So why do you care if something happens?
Kyle: Because I--Because I think they are real. It's all real. Think about it. Haven't Luke Skywalker and Santa Claus affected your lives more than most real people in this room? I mean, whether Jesus is real or not, he's had a bigger impact on the world than any of us have. And the same can be said for Bugs Bunny and Superman and Harry Potter. They've changed my life, changed the way I act on the earth. Doesn't that make them kind of real? They might be imaginary, but they're more important than most of us here. And they're all gonna be around till long after we're dead. So in a way, those things are more realer than any of us. (Cartman starts applauding, followed by everyone else)
General: (touched by Kyle's speech) Abort the sequence. (scientist aborts sequence)
Cartman: So, Kyle, imaginary things ARE real, huh? Guess that means I did win the bet after all...(Kyle looks angry) And you know what that means, Kyle...
Kyle: (snaps at last and yells at Cartman) Just let it go with your fucking balls already, you fucking asshole!! Your friends have been in danger, and all you care about is your stupid bet?!! Well, I have decided, Cartman, that even if we did have a bet, that I am NEVER going to suck your balls! (grabs Cartman by the scruff of his neck) You got that?! (pushes Cartman back) They can throw me in jail for the rest of my life, but I am NEVER going to suck you balls-- (punches Cartman lightly) EVER! So there!!!

Kyle: Oh God...
Superman:Yes, God's here too. He's gonna talk to you right after Captain Crunch.

Santa Claus: Okay, Kyle, that's enough ball-sucking.

Butters: Wait, I'm not grounded!
Steven Stotch: Oh, yes you are!
Butters: Oh, yeah? [tries to use his imagination powers to end the grounding]
Steven Stotch: That only works in Imaginationland! You're grounded!
Butters: Aw, shit!

Guitar Queer-o [11.13]

[Stan and Kyle have just successfully completed the song "Carry on Wayward Son" on Guitar Hero as Randy walks in]

Randy: So you boys like this music, huh?
Kyle: Yeah, dude, it's Guitar Hero!
Butters: Stan and Kyle are really good at it!
Randy: Well, you kids wanna see something really cool? Check this out. [He takes out a guitar, plugs in his amp, and begins playing "Carry on Wayward Son."] [sings] Once I rose above the noise and confusion / Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion / I was soarin' ever higher / But I flew too high... / Though my eyes could --
Stan: [angry] Dad! Dad! What are you doing?!
Randy: I can actually play a lot of these songs on a real guitar. You want me to teach you boys how? [beams]
Cartman: ...Uh, that's gay, Mr. Marsh.
Stan: Yeah, that's stupid, Dad.

Stan: Dude...dude! That's Jay Cutler over there--quarterback for the Denver Broncos!
Kyle: Oh my God!
Mr. Hart: Would you boys like to meet him?
Stan: Are you serious?!
Mr. Hart: Jay, I want you to meet Stan and Kyle; they broke 100,000 points on Guitar Hero.
Jay Cutler: [in his jersey, reclining and drinking beer next to 2 women in bikinis] Wow, really? Nice to meet you guys!
Stan: Nice to meet you! I mean, you kind of suck but my dad says you might be good someday.
Jay Cutler:...Thanks.

Mr. Kincaid: Stan Marsh, this is Thad Jarvis.
Thad: 'Sup.
Mr. Kincaid: Thad here has backed up a lot of really great Guitar Hero players. Isn't that right, Thad?
Thad: Yup.
Mr. Kincaid: He doesn't even need a game system to play on. He can play Guitar Hero acoustically.

Stan: [as the Skid Row song "I Remember You" plays] Look, Kyle...the game is still set up at my house and maybe we could go try playing it again over there.
Kyle: [sarcastically] Oh, so the gallant knight now comes to rescue me from the bowels of mediocrity! Oh, thank you, Your Royal Lordship!
Stan: That isn't it at all.
Kyle: [angrily] You don't get it, Stan! I can play here all I want. I even get free Frescas. I don't need you anymore!
Stan: I know...I need you.

[Cartman, Kenny, Craig, Token, and Clyde are playing basketball; Craig fakes out Cartman and shoots]

Cartman: Stop cheating, Craig!
Craig: How was that cheating?!
Cartman: 'Cause you tricked me, you black asshole!

Announcer: Congratulations! You played Guitar Hero enough to score one million points! You...ARE...FAGS!
Stan: [After a long silence] ...That's it?
Kyle: Goddammit. Goddammit. [they walk away]

The List [11.14]

Butters: Well, I guess we'll never get that list from the girls.
Cartman: Screw that, dude. We're guys; we can out-think them.

Cartman: When she stops and turns to Craig in the hallway, Butters will run up and kick her in the balls!
Butters: OK!

Cartman: OK, our mission failed, but we've learned a lot, primarily that girls don't have balls.
Butters: (In a sling with a black eye) They sure don't.

Butters: Mom! Dad! I'm not the ugliest kid in class! Kyle Broflovski is!
Steven: Well, good for you, Butters!
Linda: Way to go, champ!
Butters: Whoopee! [runs off]
Steven: Well, guess we won't have to ground him.

Stan: That didn't sparkle with her, did it?

Wendy: (To Stan) This is a nice surprise. I thought you weren't speaking to me anymore.

Girl 1: (Wendy has just revealed their secret) You just couldn't let it go.
Wendy: (Surprised) What do you mean? Call the girls in!
Girl 1: I'm afraid we can't do that, Wendy.
Girl 2: (Gets off her seat) Did you know, Wendy that Clyde's father owns the shoe store in the mall? A lot of us have wanted to date Clyde to get free shoes, but (in an evil voice) we couldn't, because he wasn't...popular enough!
Wendy: (Horrified) You knew?!
Girl 2: (takes a package out of a file) Unfortunately, the members voted Clyde in the bottom five of the list. That's why we had to manipulate the votes, forge a new list and hide the real one (points to the package).
Wendy: (angry) So that you could all justify dating Clyde and get shoes!? How dare you take advantage of your position! I'm going to tell Bebe and have you both de-sparkled from the list committee!!!
Girl 1: Bebe? Who do you think authorized the buyout? (shocking music plays)
Wendy: No, not Bebe.
Girl 2: She's dating Clyde now! Nobody loves shoes more than her!
Stan: (confused) What's going on?
Wendy: When the other girls find out you ignored their votes they're gonna--
Girl 1: You really think they'll believe you over the heads of the Committee!? We'll simply generate a new list, "biggest liars," and put you at the top!
Girl 2: Do yourself a favor, Wendy! Just let it go, and keep your little mouth shut!
Wendy: (coldly) I don't think so. (kicks girl holding list in the crotch. She howls and drops the list. Wendy grabs it) Stan, run!
Stan: Jesus, dude!! (runs after Wendy)

Clyde: (noticing Kyle's depressed state of mind as he walks past) Hey, Kyle! Look man, it doesn't matter what people think, OK? Y'know Abraham Lincoln was super-ugly too, but look what he accomplished! (Pats Kyle on the back) Chin up, Cowboy! (approaches a girl) Hey, what's goin' on? (girl starts speaking in the background)
Butters:(to Kyle) Hey! Nice...Nice ears Haha! Pizza Face! (runs off laughing)
Clyde: (ending his conversation abruptly and speaking angrily) Butters! That's not cool, man! He can't help how he looks!

Wendy: Stan, it's been really great hanging out with you again. (Stan smiles) I feel like you've changed somehow (Stan smiles more broadly) in a really awesome way.
Stan: Yeah, well I guess a lot of things...change, don't they? (happy music starts playing as the camera zooms in to their faces. Wendy takes a step closer and leans in to kiss Stan. A funny look comes over his face and he vomits into Wendy's face...twice.)

(Deleted Scene, inserts immediately after Stan vomits on Wendy at the end of the episode. Wendy is smiling, despite Stan vomiting in her face, like old times.)

Kyle: You know, I'm glad this is over, but I feel like everyone is gonna wish they knew who was really last on the list.
Wendy: Well, I guess we'll never know...except that I looked and it was Cartman.
[Back at school, Cartman is sitting at The Ugly Kids' Table in the cafeteria.]
Cartman: This is bullcrap!
Butters: (Yelling from across the cafeteria and laughing) Hey ugly bugly! Did Adolf Zitler launch a Zitskrieg across your face?
Cartman: Oh well, that's fine! What really matters is the kind of person I am on the inside! (Realizes what kind of person he is and gets dejected.) Oh, goddammit. (He bumps his head on the table. The kid that asked for Kyle's pickle earlier in the episode flat-out steals the pickle from Cartman's tray.)

Season 12

Tonsil Trouble [12.01]

Cartman: Pass me the ball. Pass me the ball, Craig, you stupid asshole! (Kyle pushes Cartman) Kyle, what the "F"?!
Kyle: I'm going to kill you, Cartman!

Doctor: Well, there's no doubt about it. Those tonsils need to come out.
Cartman: What?

Mrs. Cartman: Wake up. Wake up, honey.
Cartman: It's over?
Mrs. Cartman: That's right, you did it.
Cartman: It's over. I didn't feel anything. You were right, Mom.
Mrs. Cartman: I'm so proud of you, Eric.
Cartman: All right, so where's my ice cream?
Mrs. Cartman: Oh. Here's the doctor now. Hi, doctor.
Cartman: You were right, doctor. Everything is okay.
Doctor: No, it's not. Eric, I'm afraid we accidentally infected you with the AIDS virius.
Mrs. Cartman: (shocked) What?!
Cartman: What's that supposed to mean?!

Doctor: I think I owe you some ice cream. (a nurse serves Cartman two ice cream sundaes; Cartman shoves them away angrily)
Cartman: Fuck your ice cream! You said I'd be fine! You all said I'd be fine!
Mrs. Cartman: (wailing) Oh, my baby!
Cartman: No! No-o-o-o!

Kyle: Thank you for seeing us, Mr. Johnson. We were hoping that maybe you have some kind of key that can help us with our disease.
Magic: You boys both have the virus? Are you sure?
Cartman: We're not just sure, we're HIV-positive.
Kyle: Will you stop it with that?! What part of this is funny to you?!
Cartman: Kyle, we need to find a--
Kyle: What part of being infected with a deadly disease do you find funny?!
Cartman: I don't think it's funny, Kyle.
Kyle: Then stop saying you're not just sure, you're HIV-positive! This isn't funny, AIDS isn't funny, dying isn't funny; so shut the fuck up!
Cartman: Well, excuse me, Kyle, for trying to keep some optimism, you know? I mean, sometimes when things seem their darkest you just need to try and stay HIV-positive, but if you wanna be so HIV-negative all the time, I--
Kyle: Knock it off! Right now! This isn't funny! At all!
Cartman: [pause] Are you sure?
Kyle: Yes!
Cartman: [longer pause] Are you HIV-positive? (Kyle hits him) Ow! Fuck, Kyle!

w:Britney's New Look [12.02]

Kyle: Excuse us. We're trying to take a picture of Britney Spears.
Man: Join the club.
Man #2: Yeah. All you amature photographers are making this tougher on the professionals.
Cartman: We're professionals, too, you fucking butthole. (Kyle, Cartman, Stan, and Butters walk to the stairs)
Police Officer: Uh-uh. No one goes upstairs.
Kyle: We, uh, we have special permission.
Stan: Don't you reconize us? We're Britney Spears' kids.
Police Officer: You are?
Butters: (in squirrel costume) Not me; I'm a squirrel.

w:Eek, A Penis! [12.05]

Kyle: (talking about middle-grade school students) You know what they're goin to do to a middle-class white boy like you? They're going to fucking murder you! (Kyle, Stan and Kenny walk away)
Cartman: Maybe he's right. I'd better be careful, however. (later, Cartman is in the bathroom cutting his hair, then we cut to some scenes of a high school)
Mrs. Miller: Stundents, quiet. Quiet, please. (someone throws a spitball at her) Give me your attention.
High School Student: I'll give you my attention, all night long, Mrs. Miller. (everyone laughs, except Mrs. Miller)

High School Student #2: (after Cartman introduces himself to the class as their new teacher.) What the hell is this?!

Cartman: (passing out papers to the high school students) And pass it to the amigo behind you.
High School Student #3: Hey, man, what the hell do you think you're doing?
High School Student #4: Yeah.
Cartman: Mr. Cartmanez is here to make sure you all get into college.

Cartman: (Oft. Repeated in a lation accent) How do I reach these keeeeeds.

w:The China Probrem [12.08]

Cartman: Shoot him, Butters.
Butters: No!
Cartman: You had to shoot him, Butters. He's gonna get all the chinese, and then kill your parents, do it, do it.
Butters: Ahh! (shots a customer in the groin with the gun)
Customer: Ahh! Ow! Owwww!
Cartman: Aww.. dude. You shot him in the dick.
Butters: Huh?
Cartman: That's not cool Butters. You don't shoot a guy in the dick.
Butters: But I was just tryin to stop him 'n you said--
Cartman: It doesn't matter Butters! You never shoot a guy in the dick! Everyone knows that! Shooting a guy in the dick!? That's just.. that's just weak. ..I can't believe you Butters.

Cartman: Don't come any closer, we had information that we only trust with the President of the United States.
Police Officer #1: The President?
Police Officer #2: Alright men, we're going in.
Cartman: No. God damn it we're serious, we only talk to the President, stop. Fire a warning shot, Butters.

(Butters shots the police officer to the groin with the gun)

Police Officer #3: Ah! Aggh! Owww!
Cartman: Dude, what the fuck are you doing?
Butters: What, what happened?
Cartman: God damn it, Butters. What did I say shooting guys in the dick.
Butters: Awww, I did it again?
Cartman: What the hell is wrong with you, that is not cool Butters, that is not cool.
(Cartman pauses for a moment)
Cartman: You don't fucking do that! You don't shot a guy in the dick.
Butters: Well okay, I'm sorry.
Cartman: It's not okay, defeating the Chinese wont mean anything, if we do it by going around shooting people in the dick! God damn it!

w:Breast Cancer Show Ever [12.09]

Cartman: (after seeing Wendy taping a "Breast Cancer Awarness" poster) Look out, everyone, there's some killer tittes on the loose. Could've sworn I heard them coming through the roof. Pssh, officer. We need to get an ABP out on those tittes. There oh, too dangerous.
Wendy: What is your problem?! Breast cancer isn't funny!
Cartman: Not at all. (does hand puppets) Wendy, we're going to get you, Wendy. For we're boobs; we're going to kill you.
Wendy: You better shut up, or I'll make you shut up!
Cartman: Oh, really? What are you going to do about it, Wendy?
Wendy: I'm going to kick your ass; that's what I'm going to do!
Cartman: Ha-ha! You're going to kick my ass?
Wendy: That's right! I'm going to kick your ass!
Cartman: (does poses) You wanna throw down, dawg? I'll go down.
Wendy: You think you're tough?!
Cartman: What's up? What's up?
Wendy: I'll smack the shit out of you!
Cartman: Standin' right here. Let's go, bitch.
Wendy: After school; we fight after school. You got that?!
Cartman: You're goin' to fight me after school?
Wendy: That's right!
Cartman: You're a chick, dude!
Wendy: As soon as that bell rings, we do it outside! And you better be there!
Cartman: Oh, it's on, bitch.
Wendy: You're gonna fucking die!!

Wendy's Mom: Wendy, have you been bullying kids at school?
Wendy: What? No.
Wendy's Mom: Do you want to explain why this little boy's mother had to come talk to us? (Cartman is sobbing in his mother's blouse)
Wendy's Dad: Did you tell him that you we're going to beat him up?
Wendy: You don't understand! He said horrible things!
Cartman: (crying and sniffling) The thing is I totally said I was sorry. But she still wants to beat me up! (starts sobbing louder, while his mother is hugging him)
Wendy's Mom: Wendy, no matter what a person says, you don't respond with violence. Haven't I tought you that?!
Cartman: (still sniffling) The thing is, Wendy, I really think you're awesome, and I know I'm just a nerdy little weakling to you, but, I want to be your friend, because I don't have that many friends in scho-o-o-o-o-l! (starts sobbing even harder)

Season 13

The Ring [13.1]

Jimmy Vulmer: Kenny deserves to know, fellas. If you guys found out my girlfriend was a raging whore, I'd want you to tell me.

Cartman: Kenny, you're gonna let a girl put her mouth on your wiener? Do you know how disgusting that is? Girls' mouths are full of germs!

Butters: A ring that says you’d be together but not have sex. Isn’t that called a wedding ring?

Jonas Brothers Song: I'm ready to get it on/But there's no getting on 'til I'm ready/It's too soon, slow down/Take it easy girl, I need your love, baby/I can't wait 'til the day I kiss you/Until then I have to diss you/'Cuz my mom doesn't like it when I'm naughty/She'll make me clean my room if I'm naughty/Baby/I'm hot.

Jonas Brothers Song: Tell me how I was to know/You would take your love and go?/Was it 'cuz I wanted to wait 'til we were married to put my arm around you?/The seasons change, baby, and the world goes round and round and round.

Jonas Brothers Song: Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna take my time, can't wait 'til you are mine, but it might be a while/Yeah, yeah, girl we can take it slow, so we have room to grow/And in time, we can do it all/Until then, go back to Montreal/'Cuz I still love you, baby/Love you, baby/Bay-bay.

Cartman: Well, well, well, here he comes, it's B.J. McKay and his best friend Bear.

I've Got a Ring (Jonas Brothers Song): I've got a ring on my finger to remind me what I cannot do/Can't just do whatever I feel like, I've got to stay righteous and true/I can't hang out with my buddies and get into trouble/'Cuz now we're both wearing these rings for each other/But who needs sex and drugs and partying when we can cook a meal and sit around and watch Netflix?/Baby/I've got a ring on my finger to remind me that I must behave/No need to chase after girls, that's a promise I can never break/I've made a commitment and it is forever/So we can spend every waking minute together/And if we get bored it won't be a problem/'Cuz we can just hang out with other couples who have these rings/Bay-bay.

Joe Jonas: Look, we just want our concerts to be about our music and not about purity rings.
Mickey Mouse: Gosh, fellas, I'll say this to you once again... You have to wear the purity rings and that's how you give sex to little girls, ha-ha. See, if we make the posters with little girls reaching for your junk, then you have to wear purity rings or else the Disney Company looks bad, ha-ha.

Mickey Mouse: (kicking Joe Jonas causing his nose to start bleeding) You don't fucking talk to me like that, ha-ha, you little piece of shit! (Joe coughs) Get the fuck off! Get the fuck off! Ha-ha.

(The Jonas Brothers just finished spraying fire extinguishers into the concert audience)
TV Host: That's great, boys. You like taking the Jonas Brothers' hot foam in your faces, girls?

Mickey Mouse: Where would you be without me, Jonas Brothers? Ha-ha. Your music sucks and you know it, ha-ha. It's because you make little girl's gineys tickle, and when little girl's gineys tickle, I make money, ha-ha. And that's because little girls are fucking stupid, ha-ha. And the purity rings make it okay to do whatever I want, ha-ha. Even the Christians are too fucking stupid to figure out I'm selling sex to their daughters. I've made billions off of Christian ignorance for decades now, ha-ha, and do you know why? Because Christians are retarded, ha-ha. They believe in a talking dead guy! Ha-ha! (Mickey realizes the curtain is up) Oh. Ha-ha. Hello, folks.
[the crowd boos]
Mickey Mouse: Now, now. Take it easy. Ha-ha. Here's the Jonas Brothers. (the booing gets louder)
Joe Jonas: Come on, guys. (The Jonas Brothers leave the stage)
Mickey Mouse: No! Wait! Stop! Come back here!
Guy: It's over, Mr. Mouse. Everyone's tuning out.
Mickey Mouse: No! No! Goddammit, no! (the crowd is still booing) Shut up! Shut up! (screams while he grows, then he starts blowing out fire; the crowd runs away)

News Reporter: Tom, the Disney Jonas Brothers' 3D television special has failed, costing the Disney company millions, and once again Mickey is pissed off and is throwing a fit.
Mickey Mouse: (flying like a Macy's Thanksgiving Parade ballon) Vengeance is mine! You are all ants and I am your destroyer! Ha-ha! (blows fire, killing every person in his path)
Reporter: The Disney purity ring venture will most likely now prove a marketing bust, as Mickey returns to Valhalla to slumber and feed.

Tammy: Let's take off these rings, Ken! Let's take them off and just be kids again! There will be plenty of time to wear rings and be boring and lame when we reach our mid-30s and will be boring and lame anyway!

[after Tammy performs fellatio on Kenny, he contracts syphilis and dies]
Cartman: I told him. The woman's mouth is the most germ-ridden place, I said. Statistically the most unsafe place for a man to put his penis, I said.
Kyle: Well, now we know.
Cartman: And knowing is half the battle.

The Coon [13.2]

Repeated Line: Who is Mysterion?
Cartman: Who is the Coon?

Margaritaville [13.3]

Stan: Mom, Dad, how come there's suddenly no money?
Randy: I'll tell you what happened, son! See, there's a bunch of idiots out there who weren't happy with what they had! They wanted a bigger house and materialistic things that they didn't even need. [Grabs his margarita glass and rises from the table] People with no money who got loans to buy frivolous things they had no business buying. [Walks over to a Margaritaville margarita blender and loads it with ice. A margarita mix is already in place in the blender] And these assholes just blindly started buying any stupid thing that looked appealing, [puts the ice scooper back into the ice bucket] 'cause they thought money was endless! [starts up the blender, which drowns out whatever he says for the next nine seconds] It goes back to when the government had the idea that everyone in America deserves to own a house, and they couldn't pay their mortgage because they couldn't afford them. So we have people having a hard time paying off their loans, meaning less money coming in. [Serves himself a margarita and places the blender back on its base] And the idiots couldn't see that by doing all this frivolous spending they were mocking the Economy. And they made the Economy very angry. [Goes back to his seat with his margarita] We're all feeling the Economy's vengeance because of materialistic heathens who did stupid things with their money! Do you understand, son? [Sips from his margarita glass]
Stan: Yeah, I think I get it.
CEO: Mmmm no I can't do that yeah no.
Accountant: OK, we put your money in the bank AND IT'S GONE!
Stan: What?!
Accountant: Sir, please, you're holding up the line.
Randy: We must stop pointing fingers! Finger pointing gets us nowhere...Steve!!
Randy: The economy is our shepherd, we shall not want.

Eat, Pray, Queef [13.4]

Randy Marsh: It stopped being funny when air came out her vagina, Sharon!
Katie: I'm so excited and queefy!

Wendy: (hopefully) Hey, Stan. You wanna maybe study together after school?
Stan: What? No way, dude! Today's the day!

Fishsticks [13.5]

Jimmy: Say, Eric, do you like fishsticks? (sounds like "fish dicks")
Cartman: Yeah?
Jimmy: Do you like putting fish sticks in your mouth?
Cartman: Yeah?
Jimmy: Well, what are you, Eric? A gay fish?
Cartman: [Thinks for a second] Fish... dicks. Aw-w, dude, that is funny as shit!

Kanye West: I'm a motherfuckin' lyrical wordsmith motherfuckin' genius!

Carlos Mencia [tied up at Kanye West's mansion]: Okay, look, it wasn't me! I didn't really start the fishstick thing, all right?
Kanye West: You're just sayin' that now 'cause you're scared.
Carlos Mencia: No, man, it's true! I stole it, man! I took credit for it 'cause I'm not actually funny! Come on, man, do you know what it's like? Being a comedian but not being funny? Come on, Kanye, I just take jokes and repackage them with a Mexican accent, man!
Kanye West: Think you can make fun of me? I'm a genius! I'm the voice of a generation! What are you?
Carlos Mencia: Nothing! Look at me, man! I'm not funny, I steal jokes, my dick don't work, man. I got to piss in a plastic bag, man, I got no dick!

Craig: Yeah, and if I had wheels I'd be a wagon.

[Kanye comes into the room with Cartman and Jimmy and his goons begin smashing everything]
Cartman: Dude, it's Puff Daddy!!!

Kanye West: [Speaking on David Letterman about the fishsticks joke] Yo, that is messed up, yo. I am not gay, and I sure as hell ain't no fish, all right?!
David Letterman: You... really don't get it?
Kanye West: Hey, yo man, I'm the most talanted musician in the world! If I was a homosexual or a fish, I would know!
David Letterman: You're a rapper.
Kanye West: Yes.
David Letterman: An entrepenuer.
Kanye West: Yes.
David Letterman: And you like fish dicks.
Kanye West: Yes.
David Letterman: You're a gay fish.
Kanye West: [Agitated] No, I am not no gay fish!
David Letterman: Just gay?
Kanye West: I am not gay, and I'm not a fish! Man!
David Letterman: You are male.
Kanye West: Damn right, I'm male!
David Letterman: A male that likes fish dicks.
Kanye West: Yeah, I like fishsticks.
David Letterman: You like to put fish dicks in your mouth.
Kanye West: Yeah.
David Letterman: You're a gay fish.
Kanye West: All right, that does it! I'm gonna kick your motherfuckin' ass! [Attacks Letterman]

Pinewood Derby [13.6]

Randy Marsh: (last line) Well, that sucks!

Fatbeard [13.7]

Kyle: [reading Ike's letter] "Dear Mommy and Daddy. I am running away. I am sorry, but I can no longer handle the monotony of middle-class life. Everyone at school is a fucking idiot, and if one more person talked to me about that Susan Boyle performance of Les Miserables, I was going to puke my balls out through my mouth. I love you all, but I have to move on. I'm going to Somalia to be--to be a pirate."? Oh, shit!

Cartman: (repeated line) Da fuck?

Somalia Pirate Song:We drink and we pillage and we do what we please / We get all that we want for free / We’ll kick your ass / And rape your lass / Somalian pirates we / So with a yo ho ho (yo ho ho) / And with a yee hee hee (yee hee hee) / We take to the African sea / We’ll brave the squalls / And bust your balls / Somalian pirates we / We left our homes and we left our mothers / To go on a pillaging spree / We’ll cut off your ears / And break your toes / And make you drink our pee / And if you sail into our waters / You best hear this decree / We’ll take your boat / Set your ass afloat / Somalian pirates we / With a yo ho ho (yo ho ho) / And a tricky lah-tee do (tricky lah-tee do) / We’ll shoot you in the face with glee / Then we’ll cut off your cock / And feed it to a croc / Somalian pirates we / Somalian pirates we / Somalian pirates we!

Dead Celebrities [13.8]

Ike: Make Billy Mays go away, Kyle!

Ike: [whispering] I...see...dead celebrities...

Cartman: [On Stan's assertion that he doesn't get 'underwear blood' when eating Chipotle] Well, how nice for you, Stan. You may have a Golden Rectum of the Gods, but the rest of us need Chipotl-Away!

Billy Mays: Hi, Billy Mays here for the little Country Handy Pillow. Are you tired of sitting in limbo? Lost somewhere between planes of existence? Well now there's a product that can help you-
Walter Cronkite: Will somebody shut his fucking mouth?! I can't take it anymore!
Patrick Swayze: This is bad enough without having to constantly listen to you try and sell your stupid crap, Mays!
Billy Mays: With just two easy steps, I can climb over these seats and kick you right in the fucking balls!

Butters' Bottom Bitch

W.T.F.

Skeeter: You'd better take your gay porn and walk right out of this bar.

Whale Whores [13.9]

Japanese People: [repeated line] F*** you whales and f*** you dolphins!

Eric Cartman: Stan. Me and Kenny don't give out two s***s about stupid ass whales.

Paul Watson: You know what? He's right. It's time to bring out the big guns. You guys ready? Ready and throw the stinky butter!

Stan Marsh: Admit you just want to be on TV.
Kenny McCormick:(muffled "I just want to be on TV")

Eric Cartman: Your show is f***ing gay dude!
Crabfishing reality crew: Your show is f***ing gay!

Emperor Akihito: (upon discovering "real" Hiroshima bombers) Chicken and Cow? CHICKEN AND COW??!
Yukio Hatoyama: CHICKEN AND COW USED POOR DOLPHIN AND WHALE AS A SCAPEGOAT?!! THIS IS OUTRAGE!!

Stan Marsh: Wait for it..Wait for it..NOW!(reveals Godzilla)

Japanese People: F*** you Cow!
Japanese People: F*** you Chicken!

Randy: Great job Stan now you made the Japanese normal like us.

The F Word [13.10]

Eric Cartman: Excuse me. Excuse me! HEY ASSHOLES!!!
Motorcycle Driver: What did you say?

Ike: (upon seeing the motorcycle gang) FAGS!!

Mayor: You four turdballs in my office NOW!!

Dances with Smurfs [13.11]

Gordon Stoltski: [reading morning announcements over the intercom to the school] Good morning, South Park Elementary. These are the morning announcements. Parent-teacher conferences begin next Thursday. If you have not yet done so, please turn in your parents' requested time sheets by the end of fifth period today. Lunch today will be a choice of chicken tostadas or spaghetti with a marninara sauce and side salad. Attention fourth graders: the fall registration for Glee Club starts tomorrow. Any interested students should fill out a-- (is interrupted when a door is heard being kicked in) Whoa, what's going on?! [everyone in Fourth Grade classroom looks up at the speaker in surprise]
Intruder: I'll kill you! I swear to God I'll kill you!
Gordon: Who are you?!
Intruder: I'm the man who's gonna put a bullet between your eyes!
Gordon: Hey! He's got a gun!
Intruder: You little bastard! You fucked my wife! You think I wouldn't find out?!
Gordon: Sir, please, I don't know you.
Intruder: Yeah, right!
Man: [intervening] All right, what the hell is going on around here? You, sir, need to leave this area. (the intruder kills the man with two shots, causing alarm to people in classroom)
Gordon: [hysterical] Oh God, he shot him!
Intruder: You had to push me, didn't ya?! Now, you!
Gordon: [screams in terror] Sir, I clearly don't know-- (the intruder hits him; Gordon screams some more)
Intruder: There! How's it feel, huh?!
Gordon: [screaming hysterically] Please! I don't know you!
Intruder: You're Gordon Stoltski, right?! Truck driver from Chicago?!
Gordon: No, I'm Gordon Stoltski, third grader who reads the morning announcements!
Intruder: Yeah, right! We'll see if that's true. Go on, read the morning announcements!
Gordon: [screaming] Somebody help me!
Intruder: I said do it! (hits Gordon)
Gordon: [continues screaming] Any interested students should fill out an application survey-- (more hitting and screaming)
Intruder: I knew you were lyin'! That was terrible! Now put your mouth over the barrel of this gun!
Gordon: No, please! I'm so scared! I'm so scared!!
Intruder: Do it!!
Gordon: Please! I'll do whatever you say! Here! Here I see! Here! (hits voice is now muffled, indicating the gun barrel is now in his mouth; the gun goes off and Gordon is heard falling to the floor, dead)
Intruder: Look at you now. We're all dead. (commits suicide. By now, nearly everyone in the classroom is in shock)

[Stan confronts Cartman at his book signing of "What Happened to My School?", which includes offensive and explicit rumors about Wendy Testaburger, Stan's girlfriend]
Stan: What the hell do you think you're doing?!
Cartman: A book signing.
Stan: I looked through your stupid book! It's 540 pages of ripping on Wendy and calling her a slut!
Cartman: I do not directly say she's a slut!
Stan: [reading from book] "Wendy Testaburger has proven time and time again that she will do anything to pleasure her vagina. Whether it is the school football team or the janitors on their break, Wendy spends her time as president on her knees or on her back taking the old in-out for hours on end!"
Cartman: [leans over the table and points something out to him] You didn't read the rest, dude.
Stan: [reading] "Or does she?"
Cartman: "Or does she?" See, that's a question. I'm asking questions, Stan! I've called for Wendy to come on my show and defend herself, but she won't do it!
Butters: [showing up with his Melvins] Yeah, and she hates Smurfs!
First Boy: [reading from book] "Shouldn't we be worried if our school president is a girl who would rather get her tits licked than go to student council meetings?"
Stan: Hey-hey, stop reading that!
First Boy: Well, what do you mean?
Stan: Listen, just because a guy's voice is on the intercom and his words are in a book doesn't mean he has any idea what he's talking about!
Second Boy: Yes, it does!
Casey Miller: Eric Cartman is simply making it so that all kids take responsibility to question their school leaders. We should all ask if our president is a penis-hungry hooker with a huge vagina. I'm Casey Miller.

[About Cartman's ripping off on Wendy]
Stan: Wendy, did you see the stuff Cartman is saying about you now?
Wendy: I really don't care, Stan.
Stan: Well, don't you think you should go on his show and defend yourself?! Everyone is starting to think you're a crappy president.
Wendy: I'm not giving Eric Fartman one minute of my time, you got that?! I'm not acknowledging his stupid questions. If you want him dealt with, you'll have to do it yourself!

[After Casey Miller announces about Cartman's preformance as president]
Cartman: I'm doing the best that I can!! [begins to cry, leaves his desk and runs out of the classroom, sobbing]

Pee [13.14]

Eric Cartman's Minorities Song: What has happened to this place / I don’t recognize it anymore / It used to be so fun and special / What is life worth living for The dream is dead / Our land is gone / There’s a hole in my heart / And I can’t go on / There are too many minorities (minorities) / At my water park (my water park) / This was our land, our dream (our dream) / and they’ve taken it all away / They just keep coming and coming (minorities) / I tried to go and tell the police / But even the authorities / Are minorities (are minorities) / At my water park / There’s no place for me to sit anymore / And the lines just keep getting crazier / There are Mexicans all around me / The lazy river has never been lazier / It’s a 40 minute wait to go down one slide / And the instructions are in Spanish on the Zip Line ride (just do it in English!) / There are too many minorities (too many) / At my water park (somebody do something) / Where did they all come from / Why can’t they leave this land alone / And it’s such a tragedy (feel a bit like dying) / We looked the other way too long / We’ve got to change our priorities / And get all these minorities/ Out of my water park / (Minorities) Mexicans and Asian / Black people / I think I even saw Native Americans (gross) / God I’m asking please / Get all of these minorities / Out of my water park (my water park)

South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut

Main article: South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut

Cartman: (To Kyle) You know all those times I called you a stupid jew? I didnt mean it. You're not a jew.

Unsorted Quotes

Eric Cartman

  • "Well I'm gonna kick you in the nuts"
  • "God dammit, your family's poor, Kenny! I don't like Kenny any more you guys, he just doesn't communicate."(pinkeye, Cartman is trying to upset zombie Kenny)
  • "Hippieeees.... Hippieees all around me, they say they wanna save the world but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad." ("Cherokee hair tampons" when talking in his sleep, having nightmares)
  • "If there's one thing I've learned, it's that the only way to fight hate....is with more hate!!!" ("Ginger Kids", ep.9-11)
  • "Drugs are bad because if you do drugs you're a hippie and hippies suck." ("Ike's Wee Wee", ep. 2-5)
  • "Yeah, whatever, you can suck my balls." (Appears in many episodes; in different forms)
  • "SVINKTOR!"
  • "You will respect my Authori-tah!"
    • When Cartman worked as a Cop ("ChickenLover", ep.2-4)
    • When Cartman was Deputized by the Department of the Interior ("Jakovasaurs", ep.3-5)
    • When Cartman was re-enacting General Lee ("The Red Badge of Gayness", ep.3-14)
  • Screw you guys, I'm going home!
  • I'm not following this hippie around any more.
  • "But maaaaaaayyyyyyym!"
  • " Now it may appear in the picture that I’m actually looking at the camera lens and smiling,with the penis in my mouth, and giving a thumbs up, but I assure you I was fast asleep. " ("Cartman Sucks")
  • "Son of a bitch ! What the fuck do you think you`re doing Butters !! Go do what you were sent to do dickface !! "
  • Damnn Kennnn .. "
  • Whateva! I do what I want! " ("Freak Strike", "My Future Self n' Me")
  • BEEFCAKKEEE ! (Weight Gain 4000)
  • (Discovering he can create electricity by swearing) FUCK, SHIT, COCK, ASS, TITTIES, BONER, BITCH, MUFF, PUSSY, COCK, BUTTHOLE, BARBRA STREISAND!!! (Shoots lightning bolts from his hands) (South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut)
  • I'm not fat, I'm big boned. (Cartman Gets an Anal Probe)
  • Just to go to the dumb moon? (Free Willzyx)
  • Ow! That hurts you butt licker. (Cartman Gets an Anal Probe)
  • FAGGOT! (Le Petit Tourette)
  • [Walkie-talkie names by Cartman] Blacky; Fagot (Imaginationland)
  • Dude, you don't shoot a guy in the DICK! (The China Probrem)

Kyle Broflovski

  • Priest: I haven't seen you in church lately.
    • Kyle: Well, I'm Jewish.
    • Priest: You're not too Jewish to worship Jesus, are you?
    • Kyle: I guess not.(Spontaneous Combustion)
  • "I think the rabbit just crapped on my jacket .."(Fantastic Easter Special)
  • "Cartman that is the stupidest thing you've ever said, this week!"
  • Cartman: "But why would Scott Tenorman sell me his pubes for $10?"
  • Kyle: "Because, retard, you're dumb enough to buy Scott Tenorman's pubes for $10!" (Scott Tenorman Must Die)
  • "Jesus Christ!"
  • Stan: "...But they're gonna say shit, and you're gonna miss it!"
    • Kyle: "I don't really give a fuck!"
    • Stan: "Oh."
  • "Goddamn it. Just...goddamn it."
  • "Screw you, Fatass!"
  • Cartman: "Kyle, you are so full of meecrob!"
    • Kyle: "I am not full of meecrah-wha?"
  • "You Bastards!"

Chef

  • "Come on, children. Let's go find ourselves a nice white woman to make love to." (It Hits The Fan)
  • "I wanna make love to you woman, I wanna lay you down by the fire!"
  • "There's a time and a place for everything, and it's called college. Do you understand?" (Ike's Wee Wee)
  • Chef: "Why hello there, children"
    • The boys: "Hey Chef!"
    • Chef: "How's it goin'?"
    • The boys: "Bad."
    • Chef: "Why bad?"

Herbert Garrison

  • "You go to hell! You go to hell and you DIE!!" (Cartman Gets An Anal Probe, Cartman's Mom is a Dirty Slut, Chef aid and Summer Sucks)
  • "Hey, there, shitty shitty fag, shitty shitty fag, how do you do ?" (It Hits The Fan)
  • "No, that's wrong, Cartman. But don't worry. There are no stupid answers, just stupid people."
  • "Now that's a whore!" (Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset)
  • "I'm not gay; I'm a woman." (Mr. Garrison's Fancy New Vagina)
  • "That was not me, it was Mister Hat." (Cherokee Hair Tampons)
  • "Life isn't fair kiddo, get used to it!" (Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride)
  • "Awww scissor me timbers" (D-Yikes)
  • "Myyyyy baaaallls!" (Mr. Garrison's Fancy New Vagina)
  • "Bzzt! Wrong! Try again, dumbass! [laughs]" (to Officer Barbready) (Chicken lover)
  • "Bzzt! Turd! Did you heard that Mister Hat? I sure did Mister Garrison!" (Chicken lover)
  • "You fag!"
  • "Get an AIDS test Thompson, cus' your wife's a dude, faggot!" (Eek! A penis!)

Stan Marsh

  • "Oh my God! They killed Kenny!"
  • "Dad! Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet!" ("Trapped in the Closet")
  • Kyle: Stan? Do you really think my hat is stupid?
    • Stan: As a matter of fact, I believe it is the nicest hat I have ever known. (Follow That Egg)
  • "Butters was missing?" (Butters' Very Own Episode)
  • Stan: "This is some pretty fucked up shit right here!"
  • "Cartman, what the hell are you doing with aborted fetuses?!" ("Kenny Dies")

Kenny McCormick

  • Kenny: "Mrph, Mrph, Mrph, Mrph."
  • Kenny: "Yes, you can."
  • Kenny: "Fuck you"
  • Kenny: "Shit"
  • Unmuffled lines:
  • Kenny: Goodbye, you guys.
  • Kenny: NOO! NO, NOT THE SOCKS!
  • Kenny: You guys owe me big time for this.
    • Stan: Hey, at least you're finally doing something.
  • Kenny: Wait-wait-wait, I'm not Blanket! Aggh! AHH, STOP!

Cast

  • Trey Parker - Stan Marsh/Eric Cartman/Satan/Mr. Herbert Garrison/Phillip Niles Argyle/Randy Marsh/Tom (news reporter)/Midget in a bikini/Ticket taker/Canadian Ambassador/Bombardiers/Mr. Mackey/Army general/Ned Gerblanski/Additional voices (voice)
  • Matt Stone - Kyle Broflovski/Kenny McCormick/Jesus/Saddam Hussein/Terrance Henry Stoot/Jimbo Kearn/Gerald Broflovski/Bill Gates/Additional voices (voice)
  • Eliza Schneider - Liane Cartman/Sheila Broflovski/Sharon Marsh/Wendy Testeberger/Clitoris/Additional voices (voice)

External links

Wikipedia
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