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Curb Your Enthusiasm
Curbyourenthusiasm.jpg
Curb Your Enthusiasm title card
Format Comedy
Created by Larry David
Written by Larry David
Starring Larry David
Jeff Garlin
Cheryl Hines
Theme music composer Luciano Michelini
Opening theme "Frolic"
Country of origin United States
No. of seasons 7
No. of episodes 70 (List of episodes)
Production
Executive producer(s) Larry David
Jeff Garlin
Gavin Palone
Alec Berg
David Mandel
Jeff Schaffer
Tim Gibbons
Erin O'Malley
Camera setup Single-camera
Running time 30 minutes
Production company(s) Castle Rock Entertainment
HBO Original Programming
Sony Pictures Television
Broadcast
Original channel HBO
Picture format 4:3 480i (Seasons 1-6)
16:9 1080p (Season 7)
Original run October 15, 2000 (2000-10-15) – present
Chronology
Related shows Seinfeld
External links
Official website

Curb Your Enthusiasm is an American comedy series starring Seinfeld writer, co-creator, and executive producer Larry David as himself. It is produced and broadcast by HBO.

The series was inspired by a 1999 one-hour mockumentary titled Larry David: Curb Your Enthusiasm, which David and HBO originally envisioned as a one-time project.

The series has been nominated for thirty Emmy Awards, although it has only won once, and has won a Golden Globe.

Seven seasons of the series were produced and aired on HBO between 2000 and 2009. The seventh season ended on November 22, 2009. Jeff Garlin confirmed in a radio interview that Larry David has begun writing for an eighth season.[1]

Contents

Concept

The series stars Larry David as an extreme version of himself, accompanied by fictional re-creations of his 'real friends', usually played by themselves. Ted Danson, Mary Steenburgen, Wanda Sykes, and Richard Lewis all have recurring roles as characters based upon themselves.

The show is set and filmed in various affluent Westside communities of (and occasionally the downtown area of) the City of Los Angeles, California, as well as the adjacent incorporated cities of Beverly Hills, Culver City and Santa Monica, California. Larry David's actual place of residence was, and may still be (since his divorce from his wife Laurie), in the Pacific Palisades area of the Westside. During the run of the series, filming has been staged in various rented single-family residences around the Westside.

Although Larry maintains an office, he is rarely shown working, other than in season four which centered on his being cast as Max Bialystock in the Mel Brooks play The Producers, and in Season 7 writing the Seinfeld reunion. Most of the show revolves around Larry's interactions with his friends and neighbors, with Larry often at odds with the other characters (usually to Larry's detriment). Despite this, the characters do not seem to harbor ill-feelings towards each other for very long and the cast has stayed stable throughout the show.

Larry David has explained the meaning of the show's title in TV interviews. It reflects his perception that many people seem to live their lives projecting false enthusiasm, which he believes is used to imply that "they are better than you." This conflicts with his style, which is very droll and dry. In an ideal world, he would like to be able to urge such people to curb their enthusiasm. The title also urges to the audience not to expect too much from the show; at the time of the premiere, Larry David wanted to lower expectations after the phenomenal success of Seinfeld.[2]

Characters

Main cast

  • Larry David – Candid, neurotic, but generally disposed to pursue what he perceives to be the right course, Larry often finds himself in awkward situations that arise as a result of his obstinate belief in his own ethical principles and codes of conduct, which he is nevertheless prepared to bend when it suits him. He usually has good intentions but often finds himself a victim of circumstance and social convention, not to mention most of the people around him are almost as, if not more so, self-centered and stubborn as he is. The real life Larry David has commented that he could never be the way he is on TV because he is a lot more cautious when it comes to social tension. Larry's trademark behavior tactics are his probing stare when he doesn't think somebody is telling the truth and often says something is "prett-ay, pretty good" when he likes something.
  • Jeff Greene (Jeff Garlin) – One of Larry's closest friends, Jeff is his sympathetic manager whose marital problems and adulterous misadventures entangle Larry in embarrassing situations. Jeff often helps Larry with his problems, but that usually leads to Jeff getting involved with the mess. Jeff and his wife, Susie (Susie Essman), have a daughter named Sammie (Ashly Holloway). While they ultimately love each other, his wife constantly criticizes him on his decisions and weight, while his daughter at times is neutral about her love for her father. Jeff Garlin stated that he truly does not empathize with his character at all and described him as a "pretty evil guy" who has "no morals, no scruples".[3]
  • Cheryl David (Cheryl Hines) – Larry's long-suffering wife, who often expresses annoyance with his behavior, even in situations beyond his control. She often serves as a voice of reason for him, and helps define the social guidelines that he may have overlooked. Her affection for him has been tested, even resulting in her leaving him for a time, but she finds that his pros outweigh his cons. While her adventures don't usually lead her far off from Larry, she has a few various activities which involve a short amount of time spent acting, and also being an active member of the NRDC.

Recurring roles

Among the show's many recurring roles, Richard Lewis and Ted Danson play versions of themselves as old friends of Larry's with whom he frequently butts heads. Susie Essman plays Susie Greene, Jeff's wife, who has a very explosive temper and a filthy mouth. Shelley Berman plays Larry's father, Nat David. Bob Einstein frequently appears as Marty Funkhouser, another of Larry's oldest friends. In Seasons 6 and 7, J. B. Smoove appears as Leon Black and Vivica A. Fox appears as Loretta Black, members of a family of Hurricane Katrina refugees who stay in Larry's house.

Notable guest appearances

Celebrities, including actors, authors, musicians and athletes, often make guest appearances on the show, usually playing themselves. Some of the more notable guest stars include Mel Brooks, Martin Scorsese, Ben Stiller and the cast of Seinfeld.

Plots

Episodes are typically named after an event, object, or person which figures prominently in the plot, similarly to how Seinfeld episodes were named. While each episode has an individual plot, each season as a whole contains an arc that stretches across all ten episodes. Season one is the only one without a story arc, instead the style and characters of the show are introduced in mostly isolated episodes.

Many episodes concern breaches of intricate aspects of social conventions, such as introductions, the allowed amount of caviar one may put on a cracker at a house party, whether a house guest needs the permission of the homeowner before taking a soft drink from the refrigerator, whether male airline passengers should wear short pants, and the coordination of restaurant tips. Others involve more significant issues, such as if and when a white person may drop the "n-bomb." And some involve the etiquette of extremely complex and unique circumstances, such as the occasion when Larry discovered at a wake that deceased was to be buried with his favorite golf club -- borrowed from Larry. Another involved Larry picking up a street whore for the sole purpose of using the High Occupancy Vehicle lane on the freeway.

In many episodes, Curb -- like its predecessor Seinfeld -- ingeniously tied together apparently unrelated events woven throughout a given episode into an unforced climax that resolves the story lines simultaneously, either to Larry's advantage or detriment.

In season two, Cheryl is tired of Larry not working, so he begins to develop a new television show, first with guest stars Jason Alexander and Julia Louis-Dreyfus as themselves. However, Larry's constant social mishaps ruin all of their chances with every major television network. In season three Larry invests in a restaurant enterprise which finally opens despite many mishaps, most of which are Larry's fault. Mel Brooks casts Larry as the lead in his hit musical The Producers in season four. Larry's friend Richard Lewis gets very ill in season five and requires a kidney transplant. Larry is a match, but he spends the season looking for other sources of a kidney for Lewis. Also in season five, Larry suspects he may be adopted and embarks on a search to find his "real" parents. Season six is built around Cheryl persuading Larry to take in an African American family that is left homeless after a major Gulf Coast hurricane. Later in the season, Cheryl leaves Larry, mimicking Laurie David's real-life divorce from Larry. He spends the rest of the season either fighting for her to come back or looking for a replacement. The seventh season is loosely centered on creating a Seinfeld reunion show and Larry trying to get back with Cheryl.

Critical response and awards

Since its 2000 debut, the show has enjoyed wide critical acclaim and a steadily growing, dedicated audience[citation needed] that has helped it emerge from its early "cult" status.[citation needed] It is the sixth-highest rated TV show on metacritic.com. In that same website, the fifth season ranked 91 based on 5 reviews and the seventh season currently ranks 81 based on 18 reviews.

Curb Your Enthusiasm has received 30 Emmy nominations with one win, Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series for Robert B. Weide for the episode "Krazee-Eyez Killa". The show has also won a Golden Globe Award in 2003 for Best Television Series - Musical or Comedy, a Directors Guild of America award and a Writers Guild of America award for Comedy Series. The show has been nominated for the Primetime Emmy Award for Outstanding Comedy Series since the first season, but has never won. Larry David has received three Emmy and Golden Globes nominations for acting, while Cheryl Hines has received two Emmy nominations.

Slate magazine named the characters of Cheryl David and Susie Greene as two of the best on television and as reasons they were looking forward to the return of the show in fall 2007.[4] Curb Your Enthusiasm has also received praise from Galus Australis magazine for being more unashamedly Jewish than the Seinfeld series.[5]

Juan Catalan incident

In 2003, Juan Catalan, a resident of Los Angeles, was cleared of premeditated murder charges against a material witness (a crime eligible for capital punishment) after outtake footage shot for the "Carpool Lane" episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm showed him and his daughter attending the Los Angeles Dodgers vs. Atlanta Braves baseball game some 20 miles from the crime-scene at the time of the murder, resulting in a $320,000 settlement against the City of Los Angeles.[6] On hearing of the incident, Larry David commented that "Now I've done at least one good thing in my life, albeit inadvertently."

Inspired shows

  • In 2005, Danish comedians Frank Hvam and Casper Christensen created the popular comedy series Klovn (Clown) which is inspired by Curb Your Enthusiasm.[7]
  • Australian film "Special Korean Sauce" (2010) stars actress Camilla Jackson playing herself in a similar Cinema Verite styled scenario.
  • UK show Lead Balloon has been described as "Britain's answer to Curb Your Enthusiasm"[8].
  • German show Pastewka with comedian Bastian Pastewka is also inspired by Larry David's show.
  • South African show Sorted with Lionel Newton is similarly inspired by Curb Your Enthusiasm.
  • Rapper Cam'ron is working on a TV series which he is dubbing a "black Curb Your Enthusiasm"[9].
  • In 2009, Sal the Stockbroker, a fan of Curb Your Enthusiasm, created the "loosely scripted" series Show In The Hallway for Howard TV. Similar to Curb Your Enthusiasm, it features the cast and crew of The Howard Stern Show as well as occasional celebrity guests (Lisa Lampanelli, John Stamos, Jerry O'Connell, Curb star Richard Lewis and others) portraying versions of themselves.
  • Australian series Whatever Happened To That Guy? starring former Fast Forward performer Peter Moon.
  • American webcast series Star-ving, which shows Married With Children star David Faustino and his life after the show ended.
  • Hong Kong actor Stephen Fung produced and starred in Old Fung Diary in 2006 which is based on Curb Your Enthusiasm with similar title theme song.

Media

DVD releases

All Curb Your Enthusiasm seasons come in a two-disc DVD set with 10 episodes.

Season Release Dates Bonus Features
Region 1 Region 2
1 January 13, 2004 May 17, 2004 Commentary by Larry David, Jeff Garlin, Cheryl Hines and Robert B. Weide on the pilot episode; interview with Larry David; HBO TV Special – "Larry David: Curb Your Enthusiasm"
2 June 15, 2004 October 18, 2004 None
3 January 18, 2005 February 7, 2005 60 minutes of extras with the cast and directors at the U.S. Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen
4 August 30, 2005 September 26, 2005 None
5 August 1, 2006 September 11, 2006 "The History of Curb... so far" and "The History of Curb... even further" featurettes
6 January 28, 2008 June 9, 2008 A Conversation with Larry David and Susie Essman; On the Set: Curb Your Enthusiasm; Gag reel
7 June 8, 2010 June 7, 2010 Rebuilding the Seinfeld Sets; Larry David as George Costanza; Interview with Larry David and the Seinfeld cast, and more!

Book

A Curb Your Enthusiasm book was released October 19, 2006, published by Gotham Books (ISBN 1-59240-230-5). The book contains stories from Larry David's past, original interviews and commentary, episode outlines, episode guide, and over 100 full-color photographs.[10]

Music

The show is punctuated between scenes with music orchestrated by Wendell Yuponce (first season), and from a music library company called Killer Tracks (seasons two to five). The opening and closing theme song (not mentioned in the credits) is "Frolic" by Italian composer Luciano Michelini. David heard the music used in a bank commercial years before the show was created and thought it had a lighthearted, joyful quality, so as to balance the show's otherwise downcast, gloomy feel. In May 2006, Mellowdrama Records released an unofficial Curb Your Enthusiasm soundtrack.[citation needed]

References

External links


Quotes

Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000-present) is an American television sitcom on HBO starring Seinfeld writer & co-creator Larry David. The series is loosely based on David's life as a semi-retired multi-millionaire in the world after Seinfeld. It was inspired by a 1999 one-hour mockumentary titled Larry David: Curb Your Enthusiasm, which David and HBO had envisioned as a one-time project.

Contents

Larry David: Curb Your Enthusiasm

Larry David: One thing I admire about Hitler - he never took any shit from magicians. [...] [imitating Hitler] Where is the rabbit? Show me the rabbit!

Cheryl: Well, I think you should write a letter of apology to him.
Larry: "Dear prick, why are you such a prick?"

Larry: Who do you think has more freedom: the married man in America or the single man in Communist China?

Season 1

The Pants Tent [1.1]

Larry David: I know my sources. Sophia Loren was once a source.

Larry: [regarding his "bunch-up"] Is it a bad thing? Maybe it's not such a bad thing.
Cheryl: Oh, 'cause you want people to think you constantly have an erection?

Richard:[regarding his girlfriend] She reads Wiesel and a lot of things.
Larry: She reads Wiesel?
Richard: That's right. Not everyone's a moron I go out with.
Larry: You know what she should be reading? Emily fucking Post!

Richard: You better call me later on, by sundown.
Larry: "By sundown"? What are you, Gary Cooper?

Larry: It's always great to see a black entrepreneur, isn't it?
Jeff's Mom: What?
Jeff's Dad: What did he just say? What is that supposed to mean?

Ted and Mary [1.2]

Larry: Everything is "heaven" with [Ted]. The piece of gum he had; "Oh this is heaven!" Had a taste of a chocolate bar; "I'm in heaven." A parking space is "heaven." It's all "heaven."

Salesperson: I am not a shoe whore!

Salesperson: It's people like you that are the problem.
Larry: No, I'm the solution! I'm the solution to the problem!

Larry: I'd like to return this, please.
Sales woman: What seems to be the problem?
Larry: You know, it's kinda of half-jacket, half-shirt; half-man, half-beast.

Porno Gil [1.3]

Larry: Maybe we can stop by the store and pick up some Tabasco.

Brian: Should you be going to the party with your back or, er, can you bend over? Can you bend with your back?
Larry: Yeah.
Brian: Well then maybe you should just bend over and kiss my ass and maybe next time you'll remember to pick up my fucking golf ball.

The Bracelet [1.4]

Richard: I can't believe you won't help out a blind man.
Larry: I can't believe you said "blind man" in front of a blind man!

The Interior Decorator [1.5]

Parking Attendant: "The bald guy with the glasses." That's you?
Larry: Unfortunately, that's me.
Parking Attendant: Hey, it's a good look.

The Wire [1.6]

Jeff: If you're gonna be a maniac, pyro's not a good maniac.

Larry: And who knows, you know what? Maybe I'll be able to need a lawyer someday.
Cheryl: Anything could happen.
Larry: A lot of people sue me.

Larry: What's the guy, 40 years old? He's got to meet Julia Louis-Dreyfus! What kind of person is that?!
Cheryl: He's a fan.
Larry: What does he expect to gain from such meeting? What does he think? He's gonna go over there, she's gonna be so charmed by him that all of a sudden they'll start becoming friends? They'll talk on the phone and go out to dinner together, go to the movies? What, start e-mailing each other? Summer vacations? Is he out of his fucking mind?!

Phyllis: Tell me about Jerry Seinfeld and tell me about...he dates those young girls-
Larry: Well, um, he's a eunuch. Yes. His testicles were cut off when he was about 13 because he was in the Beth Shalom choir. And, um, that's what he wanted to be, he was a choirboy.
Phyllis: Julia, is that true? Does he really have no testicles?
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: You know, I've got to tell you, I don't have any fucking idea.

Cheryl: I guess Julia will have to come back over. You'll just have to arrange another meeting.
Larry: Are you out of your mind now?

Aamco [1.7]

Julie: [referring to Larry's movie "Sour Grapes"] I enjoyed it. It was interesting. It was such a perfect length.
Larry: That's my specialty, length.
Julie: Well, I thought it was a good length
Larry: The width, what about the width? There's some good width in that movie.

Hobo: Got any spare change?
Jeff: Nah, I got nothing, man.
Larry: [hands him some leftovers] Want this?
Hobo: What is it?
Larry: It's tuna.
Hobo: I don't like tuna.

Larry: What is this compulsion to have people over at your house and serve them food and talk to them?

Larry: [after the dinner party] Hey, when's the next meeting of the Young Republicans club?

Cheryl: [referring to the caterer who stole their food] You know, this is very unprofessional if you ask me.
Larry: It's completely unprofessional. And I know because my whole career's been based on being unprofessional.

Caterer: [regarding the leftovers] Uhm, I'm really not sure that everything survived the trip here, so..
Larry: "Survived the trip here"? Where did you come from? The Sudan?

Beloved Aunt [1.8]

Jeff: How did she die?
Larry: Killed herself.
Jeff: No, she didn't.
Larry: Killed herself.
Jeff: Why?
Larry: Nobody knows, she didn't leave a note. That is so rude, isn't it?
Jeff: That's really rude.
Larry: I mean, if you leave your house for ten minutes to go get a container of milk, you tell somebody where you went.
Jeff: I let my wife know before I go anywhere.
Larry: Yeah. Would it have killed her to leave a note?

Cheryl's Dad: But we have to continue.
Relative: We must go on.
Larry: Must go on! Can't go on! Must go on!

Larry: [stuffing fruit in his mouth] How many do you think I can get in my mouth at a time?

[Larry walks in on Cheryl's family after they finished reading the obituary. They all glare at him]
Larry: What?
Cheryl: "What?" We got a paper, that's what!
Cheryl's Dad: "Devoted sister, beloved cunt"?! That's what you put in the paper?!
Larry: This is a typo! It should be "aunt"!
Cheryl: Did Jeff look at this before he turned it in?
Larry: They have proofreaders at papers!

Susie: [after reading the obituary, to Jeff] Do me a favor. When I die, let someone else handle the obit, OK?

Jeff: You gotta go.
Larry: What?
Jeff: You gotta go.
Larry: The hell are you talking about?
Jeff: You copped a feel off my mom, you gotta go.

Larry: Your mother thinks I touched her breast? That is so sick!
Jeff: It's what she thinks. What can I say? Sweet dreams.
Larry: "Sweet dreams". I'll dream about fucking your mother. "Sweet dreams."

Jeff: Do me a favor. Let me take care of the sunglasses.
Larry: The sunglasses?
Jeff: Give them to me, let me take care of them.
Larry: You want me to give a gift now?
Jeff: You gave it to her.
Larry: After this "entertaining" evening?
Jeff: C'mon, you gave it to her.
Larry: I don't think so. No.
Jeff: That's called "Indian giving".
Larry: Yes, I know what it's called. It's a very racist term but I'm okay with that.

Craig: Hi, Larry!
Larry: Hey, buddy! Hey, thanks for ratting me out to Becky, really appreciated it.
Craig: I did not rat you out.
Larry: You told her everything we talked about. And I told you not to say anything.
Craig: Well, that's your problem.
Larry: What a jerk.
Craig: Oh, I'm a jerk? Is that right? [starts to roll up sleeves]
Larry: Oh boy, oh boy. What are you going to do beat me up?
Craig: Maybe I will.
Larry: Go ahead! Take a shot!

Affirmative Action [1.9]

Richard: Dr. Grambs, this is my friend, Larry David.
Larry: Hi, how you doing?
Richard: He's my dermatologist.
Larry: Really?
Richard: Yeah, for what, fifteen years already?
Larry: Even with the whole affirmative action thing?

Larry: Why don't we just call your doctor?
Cheryl: You can't call my doctor on the weekends, unless it's a life threatening emergency.
Larry: What?
Cheryl: Yeah, if you call his machine, it'll tell you you can't page him.
Larry: You called up and that's what it said?
Cheryl: Yeah.
Larry: That is obscene, you know that? [imitating the doctor] "Can't disturb the doctor on the weekend! Don't call the Dr. Zeppler on the weekend unless it's life-threatening!"
Cheryl: OK, OK.
Larry: [imitates the doctor's wife] "Norman, is someone calling? Who's calling? We're in the middle of dinner, Norman!"
Cheryl: Larry...
Larry: "This better be life-threatening or you're not gonna leave this house!"
Cheryl: Larry, please. I'm begging you.
Larry: "Norman! Unless they were burned in a fire I don't want you getting up from your chair. Do you understand, Norman?"

[after figuring out the navigation system for his car]
Larry: I can't wait to call my parents. They are gonna be so proud of me! When I tell my father I figured out out that navigation system, he's gonna flip his wig! And he's got one too!
Cheryl: Can we turn on the radio?
Larry: Oh, he's gonna be very proud of Larry figuring out the navigation system!
Cheryl: Please.
Larry: "Daddy, I'm not so stupid!"

The Group [1.10]

[Larry has been forced to go to an incest survivor group as support for his ex-girlfriend]:
Larry: My name is Todd, and I'm an incest survivor.
Incest Survivor Group: Hi, Todd.
Larry: Hello, I had sex with my uncle when I was 12. He lived in Great Neck, he was a doctor. An osteopath--I don't even know what they do, but I know they're doctors. Something to do with muscles, I think. Neither here nor there.

Season 2

The Car Salesman [2.1]

[Larry and Cheryl spot a window with the view of the beach in their new house]
Cheryl: Oh my God, is that the ocean?
Larry: Eh, you get used to that in two days.

Barbara: You know, this morning, you're gonna love this, I saw a whale breach. I've never seen that here before, it's very rare!
Larry: Can you shoot the whales from the terrace?
Barbara: What?
Larry: Because I like to have blubber for breakfast.

Customer: I heard that these SUVs, that they sometimes roll over rather easily.
Larry: Roll over? Are you kidding? Look at this thing. Look at it.
[starts rocking the SUV causing the alarm to go off]
Customer: Jesus Christ.

Dana: I notice this is a GT and the brochure says there's a model called the GTS. Now what is the difference between the GT and the GTS?
Larry: OK, the GTS is "guaranteed tremendous safety."
Dana: So, without the "S," it's just "guaranteed tremendous"?

Larry: You just cost me a customer!
Richard: I cost you a customer?! What are you, fucking Willy Loman?!

Thor [2.2]

Larry: [to Wanda Sykes] Hey, I'd know that tush anywhere!

Larry: Anybody want to help a semi-retarded individual change a tire?

Wanda Sykes: Larry, you are an ass man!
Larry: I am not an ass man! I don't have an ass fetish! I am not obssessed with asses.

Susie: [Jeff] thinks I don't know about his porn stash! Take all this crap, he's gonna need it alone in the hotel!
Larry: He actually told me he doesn't want any of this stuff.
Susie: "Freak That Booty", "Big Ass Momma", all his favorites. Think I don't know about this crap?
[Larry looks at the cover of "Big Ass Momma"]
Susie: Oh, you're into this shit, too? You're into that kinky Big Ass Momma crap?
Larry: No! Are you crazy?
Susie: I thought you were a family man!
Larry: No, I thought I recognized that woman from the back.

Larry: Wrestling's fixed.
Thor's Kid 1: What do you mean?
Larry: All the matches are set up beforehand. The winners are all pre-determined. It's completely illegitimate.
Thor's Kid 2: You mean it's fake?
Larry: Exactly: Fake. That's exactly the word I'm looking for. Dad's kind of a big fake. You know what he is? He's more of an actor than a wrestler.
Thor's kid 1: Dad's an actor?
Larry: That's right. The whole thing's a big phony boloney. Everybody knows that. Nobody thinks it's real. You tell him the bald turd said hello.

Trick or Treat [2.3]

Larry: I'm sorry I was late. I just couldn't decide what to wear.

Larry: It seems silly to me to put a napkin on an old pair of pants.

Larry: I think I am just going to get a Cobb Salad. I'd like to make a few substitutions, if that's OK. I'll get... no bacon. No eggs. Blue cheese on the side.
Cliff Cobb: Are you sure you want a Cobb Salad? Do you do that every time you order that salad?
Larry: Do you have a problem with it?
Cliff Cobb: It's my grandfather's salad. I'm a Cobb of Cobb Salad fame.
Larry: I think that this is a real bullshit story.

Larry: You know, my grandfather's name was Harold Bingo, and he invented the game "Bingo."

Larry: (to Shelley Cobb) You know we should have sex sometime.

Walter: (to Larry) Are you Jewish?
Larry: You wanna check my penis?

Walter: (to Larry) You know what you are, you are a self-loathing Jew.
Larry: Well I do hate myself, but it has nothing to do with being Jewish.

Trick-or-Treaters: It's Halloween, can we get some candy?
Larry: Yeah, it's Halloween but that doesn't mean you can go around to people's houses and milk candy from them.

Larry: "Bald Asshole"? That's a hate crime. We consider ourselves to be a group.
Police Officer: I'm bald and I'm not offended.
Larry: With all due respect, Officer Berg, you are not bald. You've chosen to shave your hair and that's a look you're cultivating in order to look fashionable, but we don't really consider you part of the bald community...with all due respect.

The Shrimp Incident [2.4]

[Larry checks the Chinese take out]
Larry: This isn't our food.
Cheryl: Did you check the order before you left?
Larry: Yeah, I did, but I decided to take the wrong food home. Thank you for inquiring.

Larry: How were the garlic noodles the other night?
Alan Wasserman: What?
Larry: The garlic noodles?
Alan Wasserman: I didn't touch your garlic noodles.
Larry: I didn't say you touched my garlic noodles. They were your garlic noodles.
Alan Wasserman: Right.
Larry: But you did touch the shrimp.

Larry: How could you not go in with an ace high? Oh, you cunt, what a cunt!

The Thong [2.5]

Larry: So I'm really happy with my new sneakers. You know, 'cause they're gray. And, if you think about it's a good color, 'cause white is really too bright and black is like a pair of shoes. And gray is kind of like right in the middle. They look good.

Larry: I'm feeling pretty good. Pret-ty, pret-ty, pret-ty, pret-ty good.

Larry: Big family?
John: Yeah. Five brothers and sisters, you know, Irish.
Larry: You ever catch your parents having sex?
John: No...
Larry: Me either.

John: Thank you for your time and for donating the lunch. We really appreciate it.
Larry: Please, whatever you need. I'll donate anything you want. I'll donate it all. My time, my organs. What do you want? You want a kidney? I'll give you a kidney. What else do you need? I've got a terrific penis. I could donate a penis. I've got a good spleen. Excellent spleen. [sings the "Mr. Clean" commercial jingle]:"Mr. Spleen gets rid of dirt and grime and grease in just a minute. Mr. Spleen will clean your whole house and everything that's in it, Mr. Spleen."

The Acupuncturist [2.6]

Larry: I don't know why you call him an asshole. He's not an asshole, he's just shy.
Cheryl: No, he's not shy. He thinks he's smarter than ever everbody else and he sits there and he judges and he--
Larry: No, he doesn't, he's just shy! You got shy/asshole confusion, my friend.
Cheryl: No, I don't think so.
Larry: Yes, I think so, my friend.

Larry: I'm just nice. You have nice/pussy confusion.

The Doll [2.7]

Susie: Stop scratching your balls and tell me where it is! All right, just get me the fucking [doll] head, all right?! Get me the fucking head, all right!? Both of you, I've had it! You four-eyed fuck and you fat piece of shit! Get me the head!

Larry: Excuse me.
Amy: Yeah?
Larry: Do you work here?
Amy: No.
Larry: How come you told me to, to get rid of the water, then?
Amy: I saw you coming in with water, there's no water, it's the rules.
Larry: I don't understand how it's your concern, you don't work here.
Amy: It's the rules!
Larry: Rules?
Amy: The sign says no food or drink in the theater, I'm sure we would all like to have water.
Larry: Oh yeah, we're all dying of thirst. What are you, the hallway monitor here?
Amy: Who are you that the rules don't apply?
Larry: I'm applying the golden rule, are you?
Amy: I don't think the golden rule applies here.
Larry: If you had water, would you want me to tell you not to bring it in? I don't think so!
Amy: How about common courtesy, bud?
Larry: Oh?
Amy: A little common courtesy.
Larry: That doesn't supersede the golden rule! That's the big one.

Jeff: So, tomorrow night, you guys wanna go to dinner before part two?
Cheryl: Uhmm...
Larry: No.
Cheryl: Well, I do wanna go to part two.
Larry: No.
Jeff: You gotta go to part two! You're a part of the ABC Family!
Cheryl: Yeah, we're definitely going to part two.
Larry: Yeah, but we're not going to dinner with you though.
Cheryl: We've already made plans.
Larry: We don't have any plans, we just don't wanna go to dinner with you.

Larry: See this thing?
Tara: Uh-huh.
Larry: It's called a Swiss Army Knife.
Tara: Mm-hm.
Larry: You heard of Switzerland?
Larry: Um, yeah.
Larry: It's a country in Europe and they don't like to fight.
Tara: Huh.
Larry: They let everybody do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

Larry: Jesus Christ! My penis is itching!
Jeff: You know what? You put that doll head down there and who knows what that hair is made out of. You've got a allergic reaction, I'm telling you.
Larry: Yeah, I think I got some kinda rash. I gotta check out my penis, I have to go to the doctor now? That's going to be a lot of fun; "Where'd you get the rash?" "Oh, I stuck a doll's head down my pants, Doctor. It feels good to me!"

Tara: Mommy, Mommy, that bald man is in the bathroom and there's something hard in his pants!

Shaq [2.8]

Larry: I’ll have a vanilla…one of those vanilla bullshit things. You know, whatever you want, some vanilla bullshit latte cappa thing. Whatever you got.

Larry: This is very good, by the way. Thank you. Is this a cafe latte? What is that? Milk..
Starbucks Employee: Milk, uh...
Larry: Milk and coffee.
Starbucks Employee: Milk and coffee, yeah.
Larry: Milk and coffee! Who would've thought? Milk and coffee!
Cheryl: You know, we need to go now.
Larry: Oh my God, what a drink! It's milk and coffee mixed together! You've gotta go there! Sit down, have a doughnut! Have a bagel!

The Baptism [2.9]

Larry: Grape works as a soda. Sort of as a gum. I wonder why it doesn’t work as a pie. Grape pie? There’s no grape pie.

Richard Lewis: OK, ten years ago, I was in Paris.
Larry: Forget Paris!
Richard Lewis: OK, well, you stole my outgoing message on my machine.
Larry: What, are you fucking nuts?
Richard Lewis: I came up with that message.
Larry: Are you fucking crazy? I came up with that seven years ago!
Richard Lewis: Bullshit! I came up with it ten years ago!
Larry: Bullshit!? Listen, who are you going to believe? An ex-alcholic? Or a person who's been lucid 24 hours a day his entire life? (Laughing)
Richard Lewis: Just please change it.
Larry: (Still laughing) What? I'm not.
Richard Lewis: Listen, people call me and they call you and they say "Oh well Larry David has the same thing on his machine." It's not Larry David's it's mine! I mean I don't have a wife, my parents are dead. You have a family!
Larry: Oh, oh. He doesn't have a wife and his parents are dead.
Richard Lewis: That's right!
Larry: (fakes crying) He doesn't have a wife and his parents are dead.
Richard Lewis: Just please change it.
Larry: (Continues fake-crying) You're right, I'll change it because you don't have a wife and your parents, your parents. they're dead! They would have been 95 but they're dead!

Larry: Do you think we really needed Alaska and Hawaii? They gotta ruin everything. They ruined the continental United States. Ruined it! We have a beautiful Pacific coast, Atlantic coast, that’s the continental United States. You don’t need more states. We’re not the British Empire. Are they trying to turn us into the British Empire? And what is Puerto Rico, anyway?
Man in Airport: What's the name on here? Is it yours? No, it's mine, Chris Darga. See, now if this were yours it would say "Fucking Douchebag"!

The Massage [2.10]

Season 3

Chet's Shirt [3.1]

Jeff Greene: So, I've given up red meat.
Larry David: Really?
Jeff: Yup, no more red meat for me.
Larry: Good for you. How come you're doing that?
Jeff: No reason.
Larry: What do you mean "no reason"? You've gotta have a reason.
Jeff: No, no reason. What do you care?
Larry: Hey, schmuck-face, you can't just say you're giving up red meat, there has to be some motivation behind it.
Jeff: No reason.

Homeowner: Hey. Hey buddy, what's the deal?
Larry: What are you talking about?
Homeowner: Throw something in my garbage can?
Larry: I threw garbage in your garbage can.
Homeowner: Yeah, that's my garbage can.
Larry: So?
Homeowner: I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't do that.
Larry: Doesn't garbage belong in a garbage can?
Homeowner: My garbage belongs in my garbage can, your garbage belongs in your garbage can, OK?
Larry: Well what's the difference?
Homeowner: The difference?
Larry: Yeah.
Homeowner: It's mine.
Larry: The can's not full, I don't get it.
Homeowner: Next guy I see throwing garbage in there, I'm gonna kick his ass.
Larry: I'll give that message to the next guy.
Homeowner: You think I'm kiddin'?
Larry: No, I believe you. I'm gonna tell the next guy.
Homeowner: Yeah you do that.

Larry: I once invested in a whorehouse. I made a fortune on that place.

Michael York: Why are you a kebab-aphobe?

Larry: I'm a little afraid of the stick, frankly.

Cheryl David: I thought you didn't like talking to people?
Larry: I don't like talking to people I know, but strangers I have no problem with.

Larry: You can't get sweet potatoes anywhere, have you noticed that?
Cheryl: Everybody's noticed that.

Cheryl: So Barbara says she's going to have that frame ready for us next week.
Larry: Oh good, see, it paid for me to open my mouth.
Cheryl: And your dentist called and wants us over for dinner Saturday.
Larry: Dr. Blore?
Cheryl: Yeah.
Larry: Wants to have us for dinner?
Cheryl: Yeah. I thought that you'd know what that meant.
Larry: He's my dentist, why is he calling me for dinner?
Cheryl: I don't know.
Larry: What are we gonna talk about, my teeth?
Cheryl: I don't know what to say, I thought you guys talked about it.
Larry: No, I've never mentioned anything to him about getting together socially, I wouldn't mix social and professional, that's a terrible combination. Well, I'm just gonna tell him we're going out of town or something.
Cheryl: OK.
Larry: Because if we go over his house for dinner then we're gonna have to invite him someplace and if we don't invite him then he's gonna be offended, then the next time I go there there's gonna be tension, "I invited you, why didn't you invite me?" You know what I mean? We don't wanna get into that game. I'll need a new dentist soon, there's no question about it. That's the end of this dentist for all intents and purposes, I'm tellin'. ya, it's already ruined, the whole thing. Everybody's gotta get together, gotta get together, the whole world's gotta get together.

Burt Bondy: Excuse me, I don't normally do this but I know you from somewhere and I just can't place it. Burt Bondy, I think I know you from the 12:15 spin class down at the gym.
Larry: No, I've never taken a spin class, sorry.
Burt: Oh, I'm sorry.
Larry: OK.
Burt: Are you a friend of Bill W's? In the program, AA, I think I know you from there, don't I?
Larry: No, I wish you did, it sounds like a nice place to hang out.
Burt: What is your name?
Larry: Larry David.
Burt: Larry David. Burt Bondy. I know you from the waiting room, at the dentist's office, Dr. Blore's, we have the same dentist.
Larry: Oh OK, yeah. I don't actually go to him anymore.
Burt: I still see him, if I run into him I'll tell him you said hello.
Larry: You don't have to.
Burt: You don't want me to say hello?
Larry: Kind of a trite thing to say to somebody anyway, someone says hello, you know?
Burt: Yeah, I hear what you're saying. Very high level.
Larry: Yeah.
Burt: I gotta get there, that's good.

The Benadryl Brownie [3.2]

Wanda: Why'd you fire the black man?
Larry: I fired the black man... because... he's the guy who set up the whole system here and it doesn't work! And he's here like... every week, I'm givin' him checks, we've got five remotes, I can't turn it on... but I know, you know, a black man can never do anything wrong, at least to get fired from a job! Black people always do everything right!
Wanda: [walks over to TV, pushes button - the TV works] You gotta turn the damn satellite on for the TV to work! See the little green light? Just gotta turn it on! Or you can fire the black man. Whatever works for you.

Club Soda and Salt [3.3]

Larry: You know what? You gotta stop that grunting.
Cheryl: What are you talking about?
Larry: You grunt every shot. Every shot you hit you go "UHH! UHH!". You make this disgusting noise. You don't hear it?
Cheryl: No.
Larry: What do you mean "no"?
Cheryl: That's how I play tennis. I didn't even know I was doing it.
Larry: Well, you grunt every shot and it's really annoying, and it's throwing me off.
Cheryl: Oh! Is that why you're losing?
Larry: It sounds like pigs fucking!

Larry: Ya know, I really don't like not driving. You should've let me drive.
Cheryl: It's my car.
Larry: Well, on the way back, I'm gonna drive.
Cheryl: Why?
Larry: I don't feel I have a personality in this seat.
Cheryl: Pfft.
Larry: No, really. I feel very dull.
Cheryl: Mm-hm.
Larry: Do you want me to sing or do you want the uh, radio?
Cheryl: I think I'd rather choose the radio.
Larry: All right. [turns it on, cassette starts playing] What is this, a tape?
Cheryl: Mm-hm.
Larry: What are you doing with a tape? I thought you only...I thought you only buy CDs.
Cheryl: Um, actually a friend loaned it to me.
Larry: Who is this?
Cheryl: It's Al Green.
Larry: Who gave you this tape?
Cheryl: Brad. It's good, isn't it?
Larry: "You oughta to be with me"? Is that what he's saying?! "You oughta be with me"! That's what--that's what he's singing about?!
Cheryl: What is wrong with you?
Larry: What the--wait, Brad gives you a tape? An Al Green tape? "You oughta be with me"?

The Nanny from Hell [3.4]

The Terrorist Attack [3.5]

The Special Section [3.6]

Larry: Oh its this guy he spotted me. Oh he's gonna want to do a stop and chat, don't...don't go. Richard: (looks at watch) Oh my god I got to uh.. I got alot of shopping to do. Larry: Oh what a fuck. Richard: Have a blast.

The Corpse-Sniffing Dog [3.7]

Larry: He's a bra-sniffing dog! He's a very good bra-sniffing dog!

Krazee-Eyez Killa [3.8]

Krazee-Eyez Killa (rapping): So you think you gonna cross me, and mess with my shit? Opening your fucking trap, and flapping your lip. Don't fuck with me nigga, or you gonna get dropped. I'll snap off your neck with a crackle and pop.
Larry: Whoa, I like that Rice Krispies thing! ... Crackle and pop!

Larry: I like it... I got one tiny little comment. I would lose the "motherfucker" at the end - 'cause you already said "fuck" once. You don't need two fucks.

Krazee-Eyez Killa [showing Larry around]: OK, you see this shit here? This is the dining room.
Larry: This is where you eat.
Krazee-Eyez Killa:Yeah, you do your dining in here and shit. You got a table, a dining room table ... you got some chairs and shit, you know what I mean? [...] That's the floor, you know what I mean? It's made out of, uh, you know, floor shit ... you know what I'm saying?
Larry: Yeah, that's floor shit.
Krazee-Eyez Killa: Steps - four of those motherfuckers. They wanted three, but I was like, four's better.

Larry (to Krazee-Eyez Killa): Are you my Caucasian?

Mary, Joseph, and Larry [3.9]

The Grand Opening [3.10]

[the cook, with Tourette's Syndrome, yells out]FUCKHEAD SHITFACED COCKSUCKER ASSHOLE SON OF A BITCH!
[everyone in the restaurant is silent]
Larry: [thinking back in his mind] Maybe someday I'll do something good for somebody like that. [yells out] SCUM SUCKING MOTHERFUCKING WHORE!
[everyone looks at Larry]
Jeff: COCK, COCK! JIZZUM! GRANDMA! COCK!
Michael York: BUM! FUCK! TURD! FART! CUNT! PISS! SHIT! BUGGER AND BALLS!
Manager: DAMN IT! HELL! CRAP! SHIT!
Cheryl: YOU GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING BITCH!
[Susie walks in]
Susie: Fuck you, you car wash cunt! I had a dental appointment!
[storms out]
Cheryl's dad: Fellatio, cunnilingus , french kissing! Rim job!
Jeff's mom: Crap, piss!
Chet's wife: Fucking, fucking fuck fuck!
Larry's dad: Schmuck, putz!
Richard Lewis: Pussy, pig fucker!
Cheryl's sister: Balls!
Jeff's dad: Boy cock, Girl cock, E-I-E-I-O!
[entire restaurant erupts in laughter and profanity]

Season 4

Mel's Offer [4.1]

Doctor: Ever had stiches before?
Larry: No.
Doctor: There's a little pain involved but it's nothing to worry about. Just a prick, that's it.
Larry: Yeah, there's a prick involved.
Doctor: Yeah, pretty much.
Larry: I may not know that much about stiches, but I know that there's definitely a prick involved.
Doctor: Yeah, about one.
Larry: There's at least one prick involved.

Ben's Birthday Party [4.2]

Larry: I feel like an idiot holding this skewer.

The Blind Date [4.3]

The Weatherman [4.4]

[at Sol Funkhouser's dentist office, upset as Sol ruined his sleeve]
Larry: Oh, great, look he ruined the shirt, look, look at this cuff, and its flopping all over the place, look at that! whats with him?
Nurse: He's not himself right now, his uncle has Hodgkins.
Larry: Yeah, but it's the good Hodgkins.
Nurse: I didn't know there was a good Hodgkins.
Larry: I'm not saying it's a great Hodgkins, It's a good Hodgkins.

Larry: Hey Pop, do me a favor?
Nat: MMM?
Larry: Next time you use the bathroom, make sure to keep the seat down.
Nat: What are you pussy-whipped?
Larry: It's not really about her, It's about me, I pee sitting down.

Marty: Hey Lar, you ever hear of Denta Friend?
Larry: Denta Friend? No.
Marty: It's a new sonic toothbrush that would really get rid of your plaque.
Larry: What are you talking about, get rid of plaque. I don't have any plaque.
Marty: My cousin's hygienist told me you have plaque.
Larry: Your cousin's hygienist told you I have a lot of plaque?
Marty: What's the big deal? Plaque is not a serious disease.
Larry: First of all, number one I don't have any plaque...
Russian Man (with Wife/Translator): (laughing)
Larry: Number two, she shouldn't be telling you, that's a breach of patient-hygienist confidentiality.
Jeff: There is no patient-hygienist confidentiality.
Larry: You're so wrong.
Susie: It's unethical, not legally like a doctor or a lawyer, but its unethical is what he's saying.
Larry: It's totally unethical, and I don't have any plaque by the way, do i have an electric toothbrush?
Cheryl: He has an electric toothbrush.
Larry: How often do I floss?
Cheryl: At least twice a day.
Larry (talking to translator): Tell him I don't have any plaque, okay, did you tell him that?
Marty: You have plaque.
Larry: Do you wanna have a plaque contest with me Marty?
Marty: Let's have a plaque contest.
Larry: Anytime you want.
Marty: Anytime you want.
Larry: Fine, you want to?
Marty: Challenge me just like you do in golf.

Larry: ...And how about that hygienist. It's like if you go to a prostitute, and the prostitute goes around and tells everybody that you got a small penis. Not that I've ever been to a prostitute... not that I have a small penis.

Larry: Beautiful day, huh?
Weatherman: Yeah, great day for golf. Whats up?
Larry: You know I was supposed to play today.
Weatherman: Really?
Larry: Then Jeff called me last night and cancelled because of your weather report about thundershowers.
Sol: He made a mistake, so what?
Weatherman: Oh, I said it was gonna be thundershowers?
Larry: Yep.
Weatherman: Oops. (laughs).
Weatherman: Good to see you Larry.
Sol: Take care.
Larry: Yeah, oops, too bad for me, too bad for me.
Weatherman: I don't quite get your point.
Larry: Alright, weatherman, I'm gonna tell you my point. I've got a sneaking suspicion that you're predicting rain to clear the golf course for yourself.
Sol/Weatherman: (laughing)
Weatherman: Oh my god.
Sol: That's ridiculous.
Larry: Ridiculous? Ridiculous? It's happened before weatherman you know it. You know what I'm calling the weather people on this.
Weatherman: Your gonna say report me because its a nice day?
Larry: I'm gonna report you because everytime you wanna play golf you make sure its raining.
Weatherman: Larry, first of all I'm not a weatherman, I'm a meteorologist, I'd appreciate a little bit of respect Larry.
Larry: Oh, excuse me doctor.
Sol: Okay, can you guys just calm down? We're in the middle of a game of golf here, alright!
Weatherman: Larry, theres a low pressure system sitting out over the coast, the jet stream brings that into this area, the jet stream is controlled by the rotation of the Earth, you know who controls that? God!
Larry: You know what? There's a jetstream of bullshit coming out of your mouth my friend, you are busted buddy!

Jeff: Hey.
Larry (with cane): Came for my sneaker.
Jeff: What happened to you?
Larry: I fell in the toilet.
Jeff: How did you fall in the toilet?
Larry: I went to go pee and the seat was up.
Jeff: What does that have to do with you?
Larry: I pee sitting down.
Jeff: You pee sitting down?
Larry: Yeah, have you ever tried it?
Jeff: No!
Larry: It's more comfortable, when you get up during the night you don't have to turn the light on and wake up, and you get to read.
Jeff: What are you reading?
Larry: I'm reading a lot of stuff.
Jeff: What stuff?
Larry: If I pee twenty times a day, I can get through a whole New York Times for God sake!
Jeff: Twenty times?
Larry: Hey buddy, when your peeing all over your shoe, I'm learning something.
Jeff: What makes you think I'm peeing all over my shoe while your learning something?

Larry: Hey
Marty: Hey Lar.
Larry: Get this, the weatherman is a total fraud, he predicts thundershowers so nobody will show up and he can have the golf course to himself, I just came from there hes playing with your cousin.
Marty: Why do you pee sitting down?
Larry: Many reasons.
Marty: Do you crap standing up?

The 5 Wood [4.5]

[Larry calls his dental hygienist after she left him a message to call her]
Larry: Get together? You and me? Really?
Dalilah the Hygienist: Am I being too forward? Because...[whispering] when you were at the office, you gave me the tongue sign.
Larry: Tongue sign? Pshh...I...I was just really trying to get cotton out my mouth. [laughs]
Larry: So I don't get it, why me?
Dalilah the Hygienist: I don't know, you remind me of my college history teacher.
Larry: Was he an avuncular, bald Jew?
[After being interrupted]
Larry: Hello?
Dalilah the Hygienist: So...where were we?

[Speaking to Jeff later on]
Larry: She calls me just out of the blue. Out the blue, it's all set up. It's all set up. For next thursday.

[Larry is heard screaming and is then seen running out of Jeff and Suzie's bathroom in his underwear]
Larry: The dog bit my penis!
[Cheryl, Jeff and Suzie are all speechless]

Dalilah the Hygienist: Hello?
Larry: Hey Dalilah, it's Larry David
Dalilah the Hygienist: [in a soft voice] Hi, Larry...
Larry: Hmm, sorry, but...I'm not gonna be able to make it tonight.
Dalilah the Hygienist: [disappointed] Why not...?
Larry: A dog bit my penis.
[Dalilah hangs up on him]

The Car Pool Lane [4.6]

Counselor Condon: Could you state your name sir?
Larry: Larry David.
Counselor Condon: Mr. David, I'm Counselor Condon.
Larry: Counselor Condon, nice to meet you.
Counselor Condon: Have you ever served on a jury before?
Larry: No.
Counselor Condon: Have you ever been the victim of a serious crime?
Larry: My cousin once stole an Almond Joy from me, It was upsetting at the time but, umm...
Counselor Condon: I don't think that would be considered a serious crime. Is there any reason you can think of that you'd not be able to decide this case in a fair and impartial manner?
Larry: I don't know if I could be impartial Mr. Condon, given that the defendant is a negro.
[all look at Larry]
Larry: Problem?

The Surrogate [4.7]

[at a baby shower]
Betty Dusenberry: This is from the David's? Oh, it's a doll!
Larry: It's a mulatto! [everyone is silent] No good?
Betty Dusenberry: ..Bi-racial is what we call it usually.
Larry: Bi-racial. Huh, what do you know about that?

[Larry calls Irving to apologize for criticizing his peanut-cashew health mix]
Irving Schwimmer's machine: This is Irving Schwimmer. Please leave a message at the tone.
Larry: Hi, Mr. Schwimmer, this is Larry David. I just wanna say..
[a car hits Larry's car from behind, he looks back and yells]
You fucking asshole! What's your fucking problem you prick? Jesus!

Larry: Let me ask you a question. You've slept with a lot of white man, a lot of black man, I'm sure? Is there any discernable difference?
Wanda: What?!
Larry: Let me rephrase that! Let me rephrase that!
Wanda: Yeah, rephrase it!
Larry: Uhm, is there any discernable difference between a white man and a black man, you know..[points at his crotch and indicates "size" with his hands]
Wanda: Why would you ask me something like that, Larry?
Larry: My friend wants to know. Why? What's the big deal?
Wanda: I am NOT gonna answer that!

Wandering Bear [4.8]

Wandering Bear: Hello, Cheryl.
Cheryl: Good morning, Wandering Bear.
Wandering Bear: How is your vagina?

Susie: Look, Wandering Elk or what ever the fuck your name is..

The Survivor [4.9]

Survivor contestant: Have you even seen the show?
Holocaust survivor: Did you ever see our show? It was called the Holocaust!

Opening Night [4.10]

Larry: [as Max Bialystock] Assume away!

[Mel Brooks notices Larry, pretending to have O.C.D., arranging bottles and cups during a meeting]
Mel Brooks: What the hell are you doing? Looks like you're making a sand castle on the table.

Season 5

The Larry David Sandwich [5.1]

[after Ted Danson and Larry decide to switch their sandwiches]
Ted: Just if anyone asks me, what's in my new sandwich?
Larry: Oh, ok, it's um, you got white fish. You know, white fish?
Ted: White fish?
Larry: White fish and sable. Uhm..
Ted: What is sable?
Larry: It's a fish.
Jeff: It's a fish like a white fish. Smoked fish.
Ted: You have two fishes in the sandwich?
Larry: But they blend very well together. They're like Siamese twins, white fish and sable.
Ted: What else is in it? No condiments?
Jeff: Cream cheese.
Larry: There's some cream cheese..it's..
Jeff: Capers.
[Larry gives Jeff a look as if saying "What the hell are you doing?"]
Larry: There may be some capers but I'm not sure. You can always brush them off, it's not a big deal.
Jeff: Onions.
[Larry gives Jeff another look]
Ted: That sounds awful.
Larry: What are you talking about?
Ted: My sandwich is turkey, cole slaw, russian dressing. It's a classic. People come in and they order a "Ted Danson".
Larry: Yeah but you're not there. You don't go in there.
Ted: Yeah but people are used to my sandwich. All of a sudden they show up there and they're eating the "Ted Danson" sandwich, you know, all of a sudden has herring and lox..
Jeff: Capers..and onions.
Larry: Hey, shut the fuck up!

The Bowtie [5.2]

Wanda: You know what's going on.
Larry: Huh?
Wanda: You have a racist dog. The dog hates black people!
Cheryl: Wanda...
Wanda: Larry, you train the dog to hate black people?
Larry: No, I didn't train it to hate black people.
Wanda: Has it barked at any white people?
Cheryl: ...No, he's...he's...
Larry: So he hasn't barked at any white people.
Wanda: Exactly. Your dog is racist.
Larry: Sheriff's racist?
Wanda: "Sheriff"? That's a perfect name for a racist dog. Where'd you get this dog? The Klan meeting or something?
Cheryl: Larry picked him out at the pound.
Larry: The pound.
Wanda: Sheriff, the fucking dog that eats black people. What the fuck, man? I'll tell you what, y'all stay here, pet your crazy ass racist dog, but I am not bringing my black ass back up into this fucking "hotel" until y'all get rid of that fucking Klan dog. Gotta Klan dog! Lookin' at me like I'm a damn T-bone!

The Christ Nail [5.3]

[to the handyman]
Larry: See this thing? It's a mezuzah. Got that? And I need you to put it over the door here. This is like a Jewish thing, you know, we put it over the door so every anti-Semite in the neighborhood will know that we live here in case they want to burn down the house.

Kamikaze Bingo [5.4]

[to Larry everytime he walks in to Hana Sushi]
Chefs: Chicken Teriyaki Boy! Chicken Teriyaki Boy!

Lewis Needs a Kidney [5.5]

The Smoking Jacket [5.6]

The Seder [5.7]

Larry: I kinda invited [Rick] over to the seder, if you don't mind.
Cheryl: You did?
Larry: Yeah.
Cheryl: Aww.
Larry: I'm sorry.
Cheryl: No, that's okay.
Larry: Oh really?
Cheryl: Well, he's alone.
Larry: Oh, aren't you a doll.
Cheryl: That's cute. I'm glad you made a new friend. That's nice. I don't hear that very often from you.
Larry: Oh, and I forgot to mention, he's a sex offender.

The Ski Lift [5.8]

[Larry and Ben's daughter are stuck on a ski lift right before sunset]
Ben's daughter: Somebody's gonna have to jump.
Larry: Oh, stop.
Ben's daughter: Stop what? I can't be with you here after sundown! There's no other way! Somebody's gonna have to jump! You're gonna have to jump!
[Larry looks down]
Ben's daughter: Are you gonna jump?!
Larry: What are you, fuckin' nuts?

Larry: You got the huge vagina and you're blaming it on the small penis. You know, it's not really necessary.

Larry: Oh hey, there was a Mickey Mantle ball, his 500th home run, right over there, and it's missing. Have you seen it?
Nurse: No, I have not.
Larry: Hm. It's kinda curious given that nobody has been in the house, save for a few friends. Can a ball worth an excess of $20,000 just disappear into thin air?
Nurse: You want to tell me what you're driving at?
Larry: I'll tell you what I'm driving at! I submit that you took that baseball, stashed it in your unusually large vagina, and walked right on out of here!

[Larry pretending to be Orthodox Jew to suck up to the guy in charge of organ donation]
Larry: I was in the band, ok. The girls were pretty interested, you know, with the guitar. They liked that.
Ben's daughter: Like a rock band?
Larry: Jewish folk music, Jewish folk songs.
Ben's daughter: Oh, like what songs?
Larry: Um.."Gefilte Fish Blues".."My Freakin' Back is Killin' Me and It's Making It Hard to Kavhel".
Cheryl: What was the name of your band?
Larry: The Hipsters..Larry David and The Hipsters.

Larry: You know what? Nevermind, alright? I-I'll take my liver out! I'll walk around with a dialysis machine hanging out of me for the rest of my life, no problem!

The Korean Bookie [5.9]

Larry: I owe you money, okay?
Song: Yes. Here we go.
Larry: [checking his wallet] Okay...unbelievable...I'm out, I don't have any cash.
Song: How come you never have cash, Larry?
Larry: I'm sorry, Song, I'm sorry.
Song: No, I see you on the-
Larry: But listen! You know what I got? I got a check from Marla made out to me for $150, I'll sign it right over to you.
Song: Okay, last time.
Larry: Last time, Song.
Song: Okay? 'Cuz I like you.
Larry: Ok, I'm sorry, Song. Sorry.
Song: I know where you live.

[Larry is wearing a huge sun hat]
Jeff: What's with the hat?
Larry: I'm married. I can wear whatever the hell I want.
Jeff: Looks like you're gonna pull a rickshaw of some sort.

Larry: This is unbelievable!
Jeff: I've never tasted anything like this.
Larry: What is this dish?
Caterer: Are you talking about this? It's pulgoki. The Korean florist brought it, it's delicious.
[Larry's face turns to disgust]
Larry: OHHH! OSCAR! THAT PULGOKI'S OSCAR!! YOU'RE EATING A DOG, YOU'RE EATING A DOG!!

The End [5.10]

Nurse: You're giving away a kidney. The recipient is going to love you, man.
Larry: Really?
Nurse: You gonna have your own personal slave, is what it is. You could be in China and sneeze and he'll bring you a tissue.
Larry: Wow, that may be true with others, I don't think with him though. He wouldn't even loan me a putter, actually.
Nurse: You're giving him a kidney, he wouldn't loan you his putter?
Larry: Well, people get very attached to their golf clubs. It's understandable.
Nurse: You're not attached to your kidney? That's fucked up, man.

Larry: I have a system..I..I have a..

Season 6

Meet The Blacks [6.1]

[at Marty's house]
Jeff: We gotta get going. My daughter is waiting for a puppet show.
Larry: My dad has a virus in bed with a fever with covers up to his head.
Susie: Your dad always has a virus.
Larry: Hey, fuck you, he doesn't always have a virus.

Larry: What do you think you're doing?! You're stealing my thing!
Richard: Stealing what thing?
Larry: Showing-up-on-the-wrong-night thing!
Richard: What, you have a fucking copyright on this?!

Larry: So your last name is "Black"?
Loretta Black: Yes.
Larry: That's like if my last name was "Jew", like Larry Jew.

Larry: We're having a big party.
Baker: Uh huh. You wanna cake?
Cheryl: Yeah, we want a chocolate layer cake.
Larry: Like the one Marty Funkhouser gets.
Baker: Oh yeah! He's actually ordered it a couple of times. I just have one that I prepared recently.
Cheryl: It was the best cake we ever had. We can't stop talking about it.
Baker: It's one of our most popular cakes..
Cheryl: I can understand why.
Baker: ..And here he is.
[puts down a cake shaped like a penis]
Larry: ...That's a penis.

Larry: Funkhouser knowingly served us penis!

Larry: How come you didn't tell us that I was eating a black penis, the other night?
Marty: You mean the cake? Well, I told you it was a black "log" cake.
Larry: Yeah, still, I was eating a black penis and you didn't mention it.
Marty: Well, eating a black penis is not appetizing to everybody.
Larry: Next time your gonna do something like that, tell me, okay? I think that's unfair.
Marty: Why did you take the balls home?
Larry: I didn't know they were balls.

Cheryl: Where've you been?
Larry: I was eating some penis.

The Anonymous Donor [6.2]

Larry: What do you mean "what kind of cum"? Cum's cum.
Leon: Cum is not cum.
Larry: Cum's cum.
Leon: It couldn't have been mine, you know why? Cuz I gets mine, Larry. I brings the ruckus to the ladies.
Larry: Okay, so you're denying this, is that it?
Leon: First of all, look around this place, man. Is there any visuals here to jack off to? All we have is basic cable right? What am I gonna do, jack off to Andy Griffith?

[after getting Larry his Joe Pepitone jersey back]

Leon: Yeah, that's how I do it, baby, ha ha ha. Joe Pepitone up in this motherfucker.

The Ida Funkhouser Roadside Memorial [6.3]

Larry: An employee is told that the customer's always right and, in fact, the customer is usually a moron and an asshole.

Funkhouser: If you weren't my best friend, I'd pop your head off...
Larry: He's not my best friend!

The Lefty Call [6.4]

Larry: You can put my colon up next to your colon; we'll see who has a cleaner, healthier colon.
Richard Lewis: I will have a colon contest anytime you want.

The Freak Book [6.5]

John McEnroe: [reading the freak book] Ah! What a freak!! Hahahaha.

The Rat Dog [6.6]

Larry: You'll go in, he'll be up there, you're down here. Right? He's on top, he's asking you the questions. Then all of a sudden the interview starts, he asks you some questions, you answer some questions ... then you start asking him the questions, and you flip it. Now he's trying to impress you.
Leon: Turn that shit around on him.
Larry: Turn it around on him.
Leon: Topsy-turvy that motherfucker.

The TiVo Guy [6.7]

Larry: I'm not wearing no-fly underwear.
Leon: You gotta do it. You got long balls, Larry. Long balls, you've got long ass balls.
Larry: I've got long balls?
Leon: Doctor, you said he's got long balls, right?
Larry: Would you say I have unusually long..
Doctor: They're a bit more distended than the average testicles.
Leon: You got long ass balls, Larry. "Long Ball Larry", that's your new name.
Larry: Long balls..who would've known.
Leon: Long balls, change your draws.

The N Word [6.8]

Larry: [Auntie Rae] went over the appropriate amount of time that I can have human contact without getting aroused. I only have five seconds. After that, it's out of my control.
Jeff: Not me. I've got discipline down there. I have a very discerning penis—very discerning.
Larry: My penis is an animal.
Jeff: Really? Just out of control. It's wild.
Larry: It's a feral tiger, yeah.

Jeff: [just snubbed due to his baldness] This blows. How do you deal with it?
Larry: Well, you know, you just get used to it. I get support from my bald brothers.
Jeff: There's, like, meetings?

The Therapists [6.9]

[Larry is annoyed, having sponsored Marty Funkhouser to take part in a walk to raise money for Alzheimer's, to find him instead sitting in a cafe]
Larry: What are you doing? You're supposed to be walking.
Marty: I raise money; I don't walk.
Larry: You didn't tell me you were sitting, I wouldn't have given you money in the first place.
Marty: I didn't say I was walking.
Larry: Well, the walking is implied, is it not?
Marty: Don't you care about Alzheimer's?

The Bat Mitzvah [6.10]

Secretary: Hey, Larry, do you still have that tickling in your anus? I cannot get you an appointment for two weeks.
Larry: What?
Michael: Are you experiencing discomfort?
Larry: What is she talking about? [to secretary] What are you talking about? Where'd you get that from?
Michael: It's nothing to joke around about. Who are you trying to make an appointment with?
Secretary: Rosenberg.
Michael: Rosenberg's a good man. I got a better one. Pencil. Call this man: Doctor J. Whitney. My wife's cousin, Kai, she runs the office.
Larry: Oh, she does?
Michael: She can open all the doors, not just the back one. You know what I mean? Seriously, she can get you in today and you don't have to think about it again. Why not?
Larry: That's nice of you but there's really nothing wrong with me. I mean-why not-"I have a tickling in my anus". I don't have a tickle--[to secretary] Are you fucking crazy?! Huh?! Tickle in my anus? Where did that-why'd you say that!? I don't have a tickle! Who said that?!
Michael: I gotta go, I gotta go.
Secretary: Look, I think I gave you the wrong impression. Larry's anus is fine-
Larry: Shut the fuck up, okay?! SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Loretta: [to Susie] Who the fuck you think you talkin' to?! Nobody be talkin' to my man like that! You betta get yo ass out of this house! Fucken Bitch!

Season 7

Funkhouser's Crazy Sister [7.1]

Larry: I'd rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.

Larry: You can't make an empty gesture to a Funkhouser. They take you up on it!

Larry: Can I tell you something about apricots? ... 1 in 30 is a good one. It's such a low percentage fruit.

Vehicular Fellatio [7.2]

Larry: I'm going to dinner with Jeff and Susie and Richard Lewis and his new girlfriend, if you want to come along.
Loretta: Any black people gonna be there?
Larry: No.
Loretta: Then why would I want to go?
Larry: ...Might be some people with cancer?

Larry: You're nothing without your health. Some people are nothing even with their health. I fall in that category, sometimes.

The Reunion [7.3]

Larry: Remember I was sitting here yesterday?
Waiter: Yeah.
Larry: Do you mind telling me how much tip the guy I was with left you?
Waiter: Oh..we don't do that.
Larry: You don't do what?
Waiter: We don't share that information with the customers.
Larry: Honestly, who gives a crap? I was in here, I was with a guy, I'm just curious. What did he leave?
Waiter: It was a healthy, healthy tip.
Larry: Was mine a healthy tip?
Waiter: Yeah.
Larry: Was his healthier?
Waiter: I...
Larry: Let me ask you this question. Was it over twelve dollars?
Waiter: Do..do you want me to refill your water or..
Larry: Just scratch your face with your finger if it was over twelve dollars.
Waiter: I can really get in trouble if I talk to you about that.
Larry: Nobody even knows what we're talking about. Scratch your face with your finger if it was over twelve dollars. Go ahead, just scratch it. Was it over twelve dollars?
[waiter scratches his face]
Larry: Oh, for god's sake. What an asshole! Let me ask you a question. Was it over fifteen dollars? Just tug on your tie up here. Was it over fifteen?
Waiter: This is making me really uncomfortable.
Larry: Nobody's even knows what we're talking about! Was it over fifteen dollars? Tug on your tie.
[waiter tugs on his tie]
Larry: Oh my fucking..fuck!

The Hot Towel [7.4]

Larry: I'm not kidding, the food was awful. Terrible. Honestly, I can't believe you recommended that.
Dr. Morrison: Well, I liked the ossobuco.
Larry: Didn't taste like ossobuco to me. It was bad ossobuco.

Denise Handicapped [7.5]

Larry: [in reference to the Fowler's adopted child from China] Let me ask you this question, have you noticed if she has any proclivity for chopsticks?
Jamie: Why?
John: Why would she have a proclivity for chopsticks, Larry?
Larry: Well, she's Chinese.
John: Do you think she's also a Kung Fu master?
Larry: No, all I'm wondering is this, if you took an American kid who's never used chopsticks before and a Chinese kid who's never used chopsticks before, would the Chinese kid do better?
John: So the American kid is the control group?
Jamie: Okay, you know what, she uses a fork.
Larry: Do me a favor.
Jamie: What?
Larry: First time she uses chopsticks, gimme a call me and just let me know. Gimme a call and just say "Hey, you know what? You wouldn't believe it.."

[Ted Danson orders Larry and Denise a slice of pie at a restaurant]
Ted: You're gonna love this. It is the best piece of pie you've ever had.
Larry: Honestly, you know, I'm not eating dessert anymore.
Ted: Just have one bite. Come on.
Larry: I'm not in the mood, Ted. I don't want it. Thank you, it's a nice gesture but I'm not in the mood.
Ted: You're making me look like an asshole.
Larry: I had the option of ordering dessert and I didn't want the dessert at the time so I don't want the dessert.
Ted: Just have one little bite for my sake, please.
Larry: I don't care. I don't want it for your sake.
Ted: Be a friend, be a fucking friend, will you!
Larry: I'm being a friend but I don't have to take a bite just because you want me to! Okay?
Ted: Have a bite of the pie!
Waiter: [starts to take the pie away] You know, I'm just gonna get this out of the way for you..
Larry: I don't want the pie! Thank you.
Ted: No, no. Put the pie down. Put the pie down.
Larry: No, don't. Here, take it. Thank you.
Ted: Don't pick up that pie. Put the pie down.
Larry: I'm not taking a bite, I don't want a bite! Take this fucking piece of pie and get it out of my face!
Ted: Put that fucking pie down!
Larry: Don't put that pie down! Do not put that pie down!

Susan: Jeff, let's take a walk.
Jeff: Eh, I'm comfortable.
Susan: Come on, it's gorgeous! Perfect walking weather. It's good for you.
Jeff: Nah, I don't want to. I'm not in the mood.
Susan: Please?
Jeff: No, I'm fine.
Susan: Get up off your fat ass and let's take a walk! It'll be romantic!

Leon: Denise called.
Larry: What'd she say?
Leon: Give her a call.
Larry: She leave her number?
Leon: Nah.
Larry: Damn it! I don't have her number or her address.
Leon: Call information.
Larry: I don't know her last name. She was in my BlackBerry under "Denise handicapped". That's how I remember these names. Don't you do that in your Blackberry? You put names down with jobs, some association, so you remember who they are? I got "Sean yoga", the yoga teacher, and "Teresa masseuse".
Leon: I do the same thing. I got "Nancy big tits". I know Nancy got big ass tits. "Janelle sweet ass"..

The Bare Midriff [7.6]

The Black Swan [7.7]

Larry: Fruit's good.
Jeff: Yeah.
Larry: Delicious, isn't it?
Marty: How can you talk about the food? I wanna throw up. We should get out of here.
Andy: Yes, let's get out of here.
Larry: Oh, that's a wonderful idea.
Marty: I want to get out of here now.
Larry: Let me explain something to you, moron, okay? Swan killers leave. People who aren't swan killers stay, have a little lunch, enjoy themselves, socialize, get to know the members. There's nothing wrong. Get it?
Marty: Guess what, I'm not a swan killer, okay?
Larry: Hey, let me remind you of something, asshole. You're talking way too loud about swan killing in the dining room. Why is that so hard to understand?
Marty: How many rules are you gonna break? You're not suppose to have your phone on, it's always ringing. You killed a swan!
Larry: Keep your fucking voice down!
Marty: You killed a swan!
Larry: [raises butter knife] Shut up! Shut up!

Andy: Why did I order turkey? I should've just had the eggs and onions. I know they're good here.
Marty: Will you do me a favor and shut up about your food.
Larry: Yeah, he's right. All you're doing is complaining about your food. I told you to get the fruit. It's delicious.
Andy: I had the fruit this morning. Why am I going to order it twice for?
Larry: You could have fruit twice in one day.
Andy: No you can't, you get the acid and it'll rip a hole in your stomach.
Larry: They have non-acidic fruit. You got papaya and mango and banana!

Officer Krupke [7.8]

Larry: My name is Larry David and I happen to enjoy wearing women's underpants.

Cast

External links

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