Damien "Jelfsy" Jelfs (born December 24, 0000 in Adelaide, South Australia) is an Australian football who currently plays for Western District Toros in the South Australian State League. He is famous for playing the position of "Jelfsy" in which he can do whatever he likes.

Career

Jelfsy began his career with Para Hills East in the South Australian Amateur Soccer League before moving on to Enfield City, Croydon Kings and Western Strikers. It was from here than the Jelfs career really took off.

After several impressive performances with Seaford reserves, Jelfsy became a hugely popular player and fan favourite. He then demanded a pay rise, saying that his pay packet could not compete with that offered to him by European supergiants Real Madrid and Chelsea. Looking set for a move to Stamford Bridge on transfer deadline day, Jelfs stunned the football world with a move to Pennington Oval to line up for the Toros.

Wearing the orange and black of Toros, the Jelfsy put in some special displays for Toros Reserves which earnt comparisons with the likes of Diego Maradona and Zico. He was rewarded by coming off the bench for the first team.

The Lethal Weapon continues to be linked with a lucrative transfer to one of Europe's biggest clubs.

Cult Hero Status

Jelfs rose to fame in 2007, after a series of strong performances coming off the bench for Seaford reserves. He was then immortalized on internet forum, footballnews.com.au, with the thread titled 'Damien Jelfs' becoming one of the most popular of all time. Jelfs now has his own fan club and following. The birth of Jelfs is regarded by many to be the coming of God. Jelfsy was born exactly one day before Jesus Christ.<ref> </ref>

The Old Man

Jelfs' father is just as much of a legend than Jelfs himself. The Old Man acts as both Jelfs' agent, manager and mentor. He has fallen out with numerous clubs who failed to realise the potential which Damo brought to the team. The Old Man has recently attracted controversy by charging the media for interviews with Jelfs.

Achievements

When Damien Jelfs does push ups, he doesn't push himself up - he pushed the earth down.

There are no performance enhancers in football, only players Damien Jelfs has breathed on.

Damien Jelfs once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger by yelling "Bang!"

When Damien Jelfs sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself crouched and ready to attack...

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness book of world records it notes that all records are held by Damien Jelfs. Those printed in the book is simply the closest that anyone else has ever gotten.

When the Bogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks under his bed for Damien Jelfs.

Damien Jelfs is currently suing NBC, claiming that 'Law and Order' are trademarked names for his legs.

Damien Jelfs' tears cure cancer. But Damien Jelfs never cries. Ever.

Damien Jelfs counted to infinity - twice.

Jelfsy gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Damien Jelfs once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Damien Jelfs' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools the Jelfsta.

Damien Jelfs' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

Damien Jelfs owns the greatest poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 ofspades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

Damien Jelfs sleeps with a night light. Not because he's is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Jelfsy.

Once a cobra bit Jelfsy's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Jelfsy is always on top during sex because Damien Jelfs never fucks up.

Damien Jelfs can kill two stones with one bird.

Damien Jelfs once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.

Statistics

The Damien Jelfs topic on Football News currently has over 400 posts and 22,000 hits.

References

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External Links

Damien Jelfs - FootballNews.com.au