(A.K.A. Jason Knupp) was born in humble surroundings on
April 18,
1983 in
Harrisonburg,
Virginia. He divides his time
between attending science-fiction conventions and attempting to
curb his chronic
masturbation by devoting himself to the
betterment of the
Star
Wars universe as a user on
Wikipedia.
It has often been stated by more
than one professional individual that has limited mental capacity,
often being compared to a
potato or a
Down's Syndrome sufferer. Despite these
opinions, somehow manages to be a wealth of information on stupid,
and ultimately useless topics.
Childhood
----
suffers from an acute form of
Pathetic Nerd
Syndrome
(
Patheticus Nerdius) which is a chronic birth defect
caused by starvation of
oxygen to the brain during birth (various symptoms
include: an unhealthy desire to dress in a
Star Trek
uniform, poor eye sight resulting in ridiculous
Harry Potter style reading
glasses, a predisposition to prefer watching
Star Wars instead of socialising
with peers, etc).
At the tender age of 5, was pronounced a
Terminal Virgin ("Completely and irreversibly
unfuckable") by his family's local medical practitioner. As a
result of these conditions, Kross was mercilessly tortured and
bullied by his peers from an early age. However, despite these
early difficulties, Kross eventually graduated from his final year
of
elementary school after three long years
of failed attempts.
Adolescence
----
By the time
of ' 12th birthday, the effects of his
Pathetic Nerd Syndrome were becoming increasingly obvious. He
began wearing a
Starfleet uniform and spoke almost exclusively in
Klingon. His eyesight
had deteriorated to the point where thick, unsightly
glasses were the only option, and he
began to
masturbate at an alarming level.
At the age of
14, whilst attending
junior high school, disaster struck in a
way that left him with permanent emotional scarring. When asked by
his teacher, Miss Odette Montreax, to come to the front of the
class to write a maths formula on the chalkboard, experienced a
sudden, violent
erection shortly followed by spontaneous
ejaculation
which was caused when Miss Montreax brushed passed him and
accidentally made contact with his posterior. From that day
onwards, was doomed to spend the remainder of his
high school days bearing the
nickname,
"Clag-Pants".
Even when faced with these obstacles, went on to
win many prestigious
high school awards, including the coveted:
"Least Likely To Succeed" award, and the lesser: "Most Likely To
Drown In A Toilet" award. He is often quoted as saying that his
favourite
high
school memory was the day that "Mary Hitchen touched the back
of my hand by mistake when she was reaching for her pen. It made my
pants feel warm and wet inside."
Early Adulthood -
The Present Day
----
It was upon completion of
high school that made the
decision to remain living at home as long as possible and to ensure
that the world be better educated about
Star Wars. Fortunately for him, advances in
internet technology
have allowed him to fully realise this dream. He is now based in
his family home in
Harrisonburg,
Virginia, where he spends upwards of 20 hours per
day on the
internet,
sharing his stupid and useless information with other sufferers of
Pathetic Nerd Syndrome.
On September 3
2006, was given the title of
Darth Kross:
Commander Of The Soiled Tissue, by
Internet Virgins United.
----
Some of the effects of this condition
include:
obesity, poor
eyesight,
premature ejaculation, poor social
skills, resentment towards "popular" or successfull people, and
poor hygiene.
Sufferers usually feel compelled to engage in
anti-social behaviour such as becoming
Trekkies or fanatics of some other branch of
science
fiction or
cartoons, such as:
Star Wars,
Doctor Who,
Babylon 5,
The Simpsons, etc. It is not uncommon for
sufferers to be under the often false impression that non-sufferers
are interested in what they have to say, or care about how they
feel.
Famous Nerdologist, Dr. Gunther Von Sheelings once
famously stated that
Pathetic Nerd
Syndrome is "the
social
leprosy of the
21st century."
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