Dave Rueter (born David Patrick Rueter on April 25, 1984) is a mutual fund services analyst for SEI Investments in Oaks, Pennsylvania. Dave is best known as the shaved head, tennis playing, 80’s wrestling loving, couch potato everyman with a heart of gold.

Early Life

Dave Rueter was born on April 25th of 1984, the youngest of four children of William Sr. and Michelle, in the hamlet of Langhorne, PA. Dave’s three older siblings are Amy, Jennifer and William Jr. (“Bill Chuck”). Dave was born shortly after the end of the Golden Era of Philadelphia Sports (1974-1983), a period which saw four world championships for the city and numerous Finals and playoff appearances. In addition, Hulk Hogan beat the Iron Sheik in January of 1984, three months before Dave’s birth, ushering in the Golden Era of professional wrestling. Since Dave’s birth, Philadelphia has failed to win a world championship causing many Philadelphians to openly demand Dave’s permanent removal from the Delaware Valley region until a championship parade is conducted down Broad Street.

When Dave was two years old, he began a bizarre feud with Lord Littlebrook which boiled over into an open challenge and was to culminate in a match in Wrestlemania III in Detroit, Michigan. The match eventually morphed into a tag match involving Hillbilly Jim and King Kong Bundy. Dave was eventually removed from the match and the card, entirely, when the then WWF found that he was not, in fact, a “little person” but just a 2 year old with an intense interest in wrestling. Dave was eventually replaced in the match by good friend The Haiti Kid. This brush with wrestling began a life-long love affair with the sport, and more specifically, Wrestlemania III, which Dave is a renowned expert and scholar. To this day, Dave owns copies of Wrestlemania’s I-XV on Beta.

As a four year old, Dave began playing street football with the neighborhood kids on Hunter Drive serving as the extra player for teams on days there were an uneven number of players. Dave was frequently left as an uncovered option out of the backfield (a la Kevin Turner years later) beginning Dave’s lifelong love affair with the screen pass. Dave eventually surpassed friend and neighbor Randy Cooper on the depth chart after many disappointing seasons from the skinny underachiever.

Formative years

Dave grew up during the late 1980’s and early 1990’s and succumbed to many of embarrassing pop culture trends. For instance, Dave watched Full House religiously on Friday nights and developed a mild obsession with the Olsen twins that continues to this day. In addition, Dave became very interested in cult favorite TV shows Sweet Valley High and Boy Meets World and continues to own the DVD’s of both shows. Dave loved Hulk Hogan and dragged around a Hulk Hogan bear named “Vincey”. Dave’s poor eating habits today are a direct byproduct of his childhood love of potato chip and pretzel sandwiches.

Dave’s love of football came as a direct result of an encounter with then Philadelphia Eagles center Dave Alexander in 1991 at a Pizza Hut near West Chester. Dave sat on Alexander’s lap and rattled off the school names of his favorite obscure colleges while eating a pepperoni pizza, forever impressing the journeyman lineman.

College years

Dave enrolled in Niagara University in 2002 after a high school career defined by lackadaisical effort, naps, drinking binges and more naps. Dave walked on as a tennis player at Niagara eventually becoming a successful Division I athlete. Besides studying and playing tennis, Dave spent a majority of his collegiate career participating in activities illegal for individuals under the age of 21 in the United States by going to Canada.
While in college, Dave found love………in the form of Juan Mendez who led his beloved Purple Eagles to an NCAA tournament bid, and exit shortly thereafter. In addition, Dave met his future wife, the mysterious “Mara”, who, much like the Vera (Norm’s wife) of Cheers fame, is frequently referenced but never actually seen.

Current Day

Today, Dave lives in Trooper, Pennsylvania while working in Oaks, Pennsylvania for SEI Investments after an uninspired year of service at PFPC. Dave spends a majority of his time planning his upcoming move to Boston and the subsequent Philadelphia sports championship and parade that should occur shortly after his departure. In addition, Dave spends his weekends doing odd jobs including driving disappointing Philadelphia sports athletes to the airport on their way out of town. Recent passengers in Dave’s Nissan Altima include Peter Forsberg, Jevon Kearse and Darren Howard.
Dave continues to find inspiration in his daily life by listening to The Human League’s “I’m only Human” while dancing as though he has just suffered a major knee injury.

Hair

As a young man, Dave kept his hair short with a buzz cut and kept that style consistently until college. In college, Dave grew his hair out in an attempt to impress the young women of Niagara with his “devil may care” attitude. The results were disastrous. Dave took on the look of a poor man’s Koy Detmer and in the irony of ironies, discovered he was balding. Ever resilient, Dave shaved his head towards the end of his college career. Today, the chrome domed Dave has been compared to Justin Credible, an anorexic Bill Goldberg and a young Telly Savalas.

'==Football==

One of the lowest moments of Dave’s life was in 2004 playing XBOX NCAA Football 2002. Playing against friend, mentor and biographer Kevin Cooper, Dave suffered a meltdown never seen before or since. Protecting a 28-7 lead with Boise State with a little less than a minute remaining, Cooper (using Furman) rallied to score THREE touchdowns with the help of some deep passes and onside kicks. With eight seconds left, Dave received the ball back and a chance to avoid overtime. Instead, a Hail Mary pass was intercepted by Cooper in the end zone with no time left and returned for 103 yards for a 35-28 victory in regulation. To this day, Dave refuses to say any Hail Mary’s as a silent nod to this bitter moment in his life.
Other Dave football facts:
Dave’s favorite plays are the screen pass (designed or not), the old-school coffin corner, the fullback dive for a yard on 2nd and 10 and the fake run, overhead flip (a la McNabb to Westbrook). Dave’s least favorite plays include any plays designed to go down field, the aforementioned Hail Mary pass and placekicking in video games.

Lacey Chabert

Dave became quickly infatuated with the character of Claudia Salinger, the fourth child on the Party of Five, played by Lacey Chabert. It took several years for Dave to realize that Claudia was, in fact, a character on a TV show but once he did, he began his aggressive pursuit of the real life Chabert. Dave has written no less than 100 letters, e-mails and telegrams in an effort to get Chabert’s attention. To this point, Chabert has rejected all of Dave’s advances despite his repeated claims that they are “engaged but taking things slowly.” Dave has even vowed to convert to Cajun (Chabert’s ethnicity) seemingly unaware that Cajun is not, in fact, a religion.

Chabert retains a restraining order against Dave that requires him to remain 500 feet from her at all times after a bizarre incident in 2005 that involved Dave painted as a Niagara Purple Eagle while singing loudly to her “Come on Lacey” to the tune of Dexy Midnight Runner’s memorable “Come on Eileen”.

Trivia

Is 0-456, lifetime, versus his brother Bill in one-on-one basketball.

Proudly owns, and wears, a Jeff Garcia Browns jersey.

Made the Finals in the “World’s Laziest Man” competition three consecutive years, 2005-2007, only to lose all three years to Lane Kiner.

Loves sleeping in cars while others drive him around.

Has a friend named Carrots, no relation to Carrot Top.

Has passed out in anticipation of pain BEFORE the removal of his wisdom teeth.

Once had a Chad Ogea picture on his wall.