From Wikiquote
Dave the
Barbarian (2004–) a Disney animated television
series that takes place in the Middle Ages and centers on a
powerful yet cowardly barbarian named Dave. Together with his
sisters Fang and Candy and their Uncle Oswidge, they are in
temporary rule of the fictitious land of Udrogoth.
Season 1
The Maddening Sprite of the Stump / Shrink Rap
[1.1]
- [Princess Candy has just been informed that a giant muffin
is attacking the enchanted forest, and various characters are
suggesting how to deal with it.]
- Dave: That'll never work. Does anyone have one
of those yappy dogs? That might scare it away.
- [Lula is Dave's enchanting talking sword]
- Lula: You know what would come in handy
against a monster made of dough? Some sort of sharp implement. Oh,
if only you had a sharp implement, David. If only-
- Dave: There's no need to be sarcastic. Time to
cut a muffin!
- Lula: That sounds nasty for some reason.
- Lula: Somebody get me out of here! This
stump's got worms in it!
- Dave: Stop! Don't spoonfeed that sprite
another bite of regurgitated goose! Not until I floss his royal
teeth. Say "Ahh" your majesty!
- The Sprite of the Stump: Okay, whichever one
of you manages to slay the muffin monster, wins this: it's an
immunity totem. Whoever wins it is excused from giving me my
evening spongebath.
- [The muffin monster's big brother is attacking Udrogoth
Castle. He takes a tower and throws it.]
- Fang: Hey, he threw my room! All my dollies
are in there!
[Dave, Candy, and Oswidge look at Fang]
- Fang: I mean, all my... Weapons.
- [A tower falls in the middle of the Enchanted
Forest.]
- Oswidge: Hey, he threw my room! All my dollies
are in there!
[Dave, Candy, and Fang look at Oswidge]
- Oswidge: I mean, all my... Magic stuff?
- [In the Great Indoor Marketplace Dave approaches a clerk at
"Ye Sick People Shop" for advice.]
- Sales Clerk: Eh, I just do holes and leeches.
If you want advice, I guess you could read one of those self-help
scrolls... but they're all written by crackpots and weirdos.
- Dave: Crackpots and weirdos!? Count me
in!
- Dave: At last! I know my purpose in life: to
help people! And to do that, I must become... A
psychofloobicologist!
- Quozmir: Who dares wake Quozmir, Udrogothian
god of overused punctuation!? Whoever it is, he shall pay... um, or
she.
- [Psychofloobicologist Dave has just asked Quozmir why he
must destroy the earth.]
- Quozmir: Why? You know, I never really thought
about it before. Why must I destroy? Why do I feel such rage? Why
do I persist in doing this atrocious combover, when I'm obviously
balding. I mean, seriously, who am I fooling?
- [Quozmir has just purchased two wheels of cheese at the
Great Indoor Marketplace, in part of his flaming-loogie-spitting
rampage]
- Oswidge: Not the Cheese!
- Candy: What's the big deal?
- Oswidge: Cheese produces phlegm.
- Candy: And?
- Oswidge: And if the cheese creates more
phlegm, that means bigger flaming loogies!
- Candy: And?
- Oswidge: Look, I'm going to put this in terms
you can understand: he could destroy all the shopping!
- Candy: [gasps] Not on my watch!
- Candy: Why are you stoping me, that' guy's a
menace to shopping! Besides, if he ate all that cheese, it'd go
straight to his hips.
- Dave: We will use the mightiest weapon in the
psychofloobicologist's arsenal: Happycrafts!
- [Candy attempts to calm Quozmir's rage by reuniting him
with his mom]
- Quozmir's mom: Huh, he never calls, he never
writes, I ask you: is this the way for a son to act?
- Quozmir's mom: Herbert, what do you say we
destroy the northern half of the continent, huh?
- Fang: I love a happy ending!
- Candy: Happy ending? They're gonna destroy
half a continent!
- Fang: Yeah, but not the half we live in.
- Candy: Good point.
Pet
Threat / Lula's First Barbarian [1.2]
- Storyteller: Dawn in Udrogoth: a time for all
barbarian heroes, and their trusty dragons, to rise and begin their
mighty action-packed adventures!
- Dave: What a lovely day to draw sap for
pancake syrup!
- Candy: There's only one way to show true love:
we must... [shouting] shop!
- King Throktar: Anyway, the reason we called
is, we hid the Magical Grape of Bobo-Be-Dobo in Faffy's room, and
we need you to send it to us or this giant ice monster's gonna
freeze the entire world. Okay? Hello? You still there? Hello?
- Bogmelon: Lookin' for something, darlin'?
- Dave: I-
- Bogmelon: We got that. Whaddya want? Tooth
extractor? Rump whistle? Spiked helmet? Spiked boots? Spiked toilet
paper? Oh, I got just the thing: a diseased weasel!
- Storyteller: But while trying to feed Carl the
nosegrub, Dave fails to notice the little weasel's eyes darting
about. Seeking something. Seeking... the hiding place of the
Magical Grape of Bobo-Be-Dobo! But to what end? Can there be more
to Carl than meets the eye? [Carl farts.] Well, there
certainly can't be less!
- [Carl, the diseased weasel, reveals himself to be The Dark
Lord Chuckles the Silly Piggy in disguise.]
- Dave: Bejabbers! It's... oh, what's your name?
D-d-don't tell me. Does it start with a J?
- Chuckles: The Dark Lord Chuckles the Silly
Piggy!
- Dave: I asked you not to tell me!
- [The Dark Lord Chuckles swallows the Magical Grape, and
transforms.]
- Chuckles: Ah-hahahaha! Fear the mighty,
devastating, bloodthirsty... Kitten? Okay, this is really not what
I had in mind.
- Chuckles: Ow! Quit it! That stings! Pathetic
dragon, I'll defeat you with ease, and- [Faffy flies in to
Chuckles' throat] Wow! That was even with more ease than I
thought it'd be... with.
- [Chuckles has been cooked and prepared to be eaten for
Faffy.]
- Chuckles: I warn you: I'm very high in
cholesterol!
[Faffy slobbers and drools at the sight.]
- Dave: Don't worry. Faffy won't really eat him.
'Tis but a merry jest! Good night, and drive safely!
- Dave: Look what I bought! It lets you listen
to music wherever you go! They call it: a walkminstrel!
- Walkminstrel: [Singing badly] My love
is like a red, red rose, but she doesn't smell as good...
- Dave: What is it!? A spider!? Is something
burning!? Is it on me!? I don't see it! Is it invisible!? Are
invisible spiders crawling on me and burning!?
- [Lula reminisces about her first barbarian.]
- Lula: We were great together, like mayonnaise
and... more mayonnaise... So I like mayonnaise, so what!?
- [Lula speaks to Argon]
- Argon: You're that one... sword, right?
- [In a flashback where Argon leaves Lula, Argon builds a
snowman and uses Lula as the snowman's nose.]
- Argon: Woah, rockin' snowman!
- Storyteller: Yae, Lula's love still burns with
the heat of one hundred suns, and Argon's love for Lula burns with
the heat of... not... any... suns... at all.
- [The cast tries to comfort Lula after she finds out Argon
has a new sword]
- Fang: Ah, the guy's a weenie. You deserve
better, Lula.
- Candy: Yeah, and I thought his new sword
looked kinda cheep.
- Dave: Seriously, that tight scabbard left
nothing to the imagination.
- Candy: This is my secret princess cute and
fuzzy chamber of peace.
- Candy: Okay, so we'll skip to the girliest of
girly things: manipulating boys. [Pulls out "Barbarian Teen
Magazine"] In my hands, I hold the key to winning Argon's
heart. An article in Barbarian Teen Magazine.
- Lula: "How to Bag Your Buff Barbarian Beef
Boy." Classy.
- [Argon comes to Castle Udrogoth to ask for Lula
back.]
- Lula: Dave, here's my two weeks notice. I quit
as of two weeks ago. See ya!
- Storyteller: Meanwhile, without his sword,
Dave is feeling a bit naked.
- Fang: [Pulling a curtain that Dave is
hiding behind] Dave, quit acting naked!
- Enchanted toothbrush: Arrr! I'm waging a war
on cavities!
- Enchanted toothbrush: Don't forget to brush
the tongue! Everybody forgets to brush the tongue!
- [Dave, in disguise, delivers a fake sword to
Argon]
- Dave: Special delivery for, um, Mr.
Ageless.
- Argon: Who's it, like, from?
- Dave: [Voice cracking] The queen!
Of... Queen... Land.
- [Lula tries to get Argon to forget about the fake
sword]
- Argon: Beat it you hunk of tin! I got a shiny,
pointy, new sword!
- Lula: We've had a little fun with dental
hygiene today, but it's no laughing matter.
- Dave: So be sure to brush and floss after
every meal. Otherwise, evil tooth decay goblins will move into your
mouth and play loud polka music day and night.
- Lula: Thanks for listening, and remember
[shouting] stay in school!
Girlfriend
/ Ned Frischman, Man of Tomorrow [1.3]
- Dave: Um, excuse me. I ordered a book: "The
Complete Poetic Works of Ped Xing?"
- Elderly Clerk: Ped Xing!? [Screams.]
That's the worst stuff ever written! Thirty years ago, I read one
of his poems, and I've been blind ever since.
- Dave: Well, I-I'm sorry you-
- Numb Clerk: And my left arm is completely
numb.
- Dave: Well, I'm-
- Elderly Clerk: And I lost both my legs.
- Dave: [Looking under a table] Bu-but,
you have legs.
- Elderly Clerk: Oh, I found them eventually.
Down in the sofa cushions.
- Elderly Clerk: Ah! The book! The book! Heaven
help us, the book! Yeah, I sold it two minutes ago.
- [Princess Irmoplotz of Hyrogoth introduces herself to
Dave]
- Dave: Hyrogoth, ye-ah, yeah. I-I hear
Hyrogoth. It has a lot of, ah, Daisies. There. In... Hyrogoth.
[Thinking to himself.] How could I say anything so
stupid!? Say something smart! Something Smart! [Speaking to
Irmoplotz again.] I'm allergic to daisies, I get this terrible
oozing rash- Oop!
- [Dave and Irmoplotz talk about macrame owls.]
- Dave: I call this one "Mr. Hooty!"
- Irmoplotz: And I call mine "Sir Hootsworth
McHootington the Third!"
- Dave: Well, she's smart, and beautiful, and,
uh, [chuckling] she says the funniest things, like, "I
will conquer the world," and "Evil must triumph over good," you
know, that kinda thing.
- Dave: Oh, I see. Just 'cause she has a
diabolical laugh, and commands legions of horrible zombies, and has
"Evil Princess" embroidered on all of her hankies, you assume she's
evil. That's so shallow!
- Lula: I knew love was blind, but I didn't know
it was stupid, too!
- Narrator: Later, in Irmoplotz's evil
castle.
- Zonthara: Who is there?
- Irmoplotz: Irmoplotz.
- Zonthara: Irmoplotz who?
- Irmoplotz: Mom, enough with the knock-knock
jokes already!
- Zonthara: What news did you bring for...
Zonthara! Empress of Evil!
- Irmoplotz: I had another relationship date
with Dave.
- Zonthara: And have you told him that you are
sworn to serve evil?!
- Irmoplotz: Well... Not exactly.
- Zonthara: Princess Irmoplotz! You can't base
your relationship on dishonesty. If he really loves you, he'll love
you for who you are, honey.
- Irmoplotz: I guess.
- Zonthara: And if he doesn't, you could always
use your magic powers to make his head explode!
- Irmoplotz: Mother, stop trying to disintegrate
my boyfriend!
- Irmoplotz: I do all the evil things: destroy
civilizations, torment innocent people, return library books...
late.
- Irmoplotz: Dating rule number one: never break
up with an evil princess!
- Uncle Oswidge: Ugh... So many nutlogs... So
little stomach.
- Storyteller: And so Princess Irmoplotz does
send an army of indestructible filthy pixies to destroy
Udrogoth.
- Fang: [Gasps] They're
indestructible!
- Storyteller: Yes, I... Just said that.
- Irmaplotz: So Dave, if we cannot be
together, you...will...pay! Mwahahahaha!!!
- Dave: [amused] You're mad at me,
aren't you?
- Storyteller: And lo, the filthy pixies do
rampage wildly through Udrogoth, destroying everything in their
path, and getting nasty sticky little fingerprints all over the
place!
- Peasant Woman: [looks at her apron]
Darn it! That's gonna need dry cleaning!
- Storyteller: Thinking quickly, Dave constructs
a homemade megaphone using only some string, a squirrel, and a
megaphone.
- Irmoplotz: Sorry, I-I don't like to wear my
glasses when I'm committing unspeakable acts of evil. They make me
look bookish.
- Dave: I'm sure many of you are wondering why I
tied a squirrel to a megaphone. Well, goodbye!
- Storyteller: Yes, Ned's depressing little life
seems pointless, indeed. Until one fateful day, when a firey comet
hits Ned's zipper! Seconds later, a secret experimental laser
bombards the zipper with hyper-violet mercury rays! Then, it is
doused with mysterious chemicals, stuck by the mystical powers of
the Norse gods, bitten by a radioactive grasshopper, and taught the
arcane apocolyptic of cloud men's mind by an inscrutable monk!
Ned: Wow! That hardly
Ever happens!
- Ned: There won't even be "history" any more.
It'll be... "Frischtory!"
- [The Udrogothian family meets Ned Frischman]
- Candy: Just imagine, some day, humankind will
wear its pants up that high.
- Ned: Behold! With the touch of a button, I
open garage doors... Without leaving my car!
- [Ned goes to the present day to buy "Game Guys" for the
people of Udrogoth]
- Numb Clerk: Do you require assistance loading
these into your tear in the space-time continuum?
- Storyteller: And lo, the people of Udrogoth
are swiftly captivated by the Game Guy's hot colors, multilevel
mode, and overall playability.
- Sentry on the Left: Hey, shouldn't we watching
for invaders?
- Sentry on the Right: Soon as I get to level
6.
- An Invading Warrior: Hey, shouldn't we be
invading?
- Another Invading Warrior: Soon as I get to
level 6.
- [Twinkle the Marvel Horse tries to convince Candy to let
him play.]
- Twinkle: Shall I tell you of last night's
dream? Dark forms came to me, whispering of unspeakable
atrocities.
- Storyteller: Yes, to earn their batteries, the
people of Udrogoth did labor mightily for Ned Frischman,
constructing a sphinx of gold, Mount Frischmore, Big Ned's
Putt-Putt Fun House, and the Great Pyramid... Of Ned.
- Candy: [Sitting on top of a block for the
pyramid while others push.] Let me explain again: I am doing
actual work! Me! I don't think you understand how completely and
utterly wrong this is!
- Storyteller: But of all the tasks imposed on
the people, the most difficult went to Dave: to create a sandwich
in Ned's name!
- Dave: Hrm... mayonnaise or mustard? I know! A
perfect blend of both. I'll call it: mayotard!
- [Faffy, Lula, and Twinkle rise as "The Thumbless Few" to
overthrow Ned]
- Twinkle: For years, they have mocked us. "Oh!
Oh! Look at them! They have no thumbs! Let us taunt them!" But now,
who's gonna save the kingdom's bacon, huh?
- Ned's Guard: Yes! Level 6! Oh, and, uh,
halt.
- [Ned steps on a pedal attached to the Great Pyramid of Ned,
and the top opens up.]
- Ned: How's that for futuristic know-how, eh?
Can any of the other pyramids do that? No, no, I don't think
so!
- [Lula's "trick" to getting to level 7]
- Lula: Go to level 6 and ask directions.
- Ned: One day I will return to the past, and my
impact will be so great, the Barbarians will be called
"Frischbarians!" Or, "barbariNeds!" Or maybe,
"NedabariFrischians!"
Beef! / Rite of
Pillage [1.4]
- Yar the Trainer: Lay on this bench, and I drop
this giant boulder on you. If you can move it, you'll be
stronger!
- Yar the Trainer: You tie your calves into this
machine, and this wild boar tries to tear them off. If you keep
your legs, you'll be stronger!
- Fang: Make up your mind. Do you wanna be alive
or in shape?
- Yar the Trainer: We throw you in a cage with a
couple of abominable snowmen, and if you get out alive, you'll be
stronger!
- [Candy eats more than one piece of magic broccoli, making
her more muscular.]
- Fang: Holy country-style potato salad, Candy,
you're huge!
- Candy: You know, Candy don't sound tough
enough. From now on, you call me... "The Can."
- [After Candy shows off her strength by picking up an Ox and
kicking it like a football.]
- Biceptia: Uhh, you win.
- [Dave asks where Candy is.]
- Fang: Outside, wrestlin' trees!
- [Fang tries to wrestle Candy.]
- Candy: Fang good necklace! Pretty!
- Dave: Stop it, Fang! Violence won't help- wow,
you're right, she does make a good necklace.
- Dave: Candy, I'd like you to read this book on
the Dangers of magic broccoli-
- Candy: No books! Books make The Can hurt in
place where thinks come from!
- Galder the Hot: Hey, The Can? Remember we made
a picnic date? I just... wanted to cancel that.
- Candy: Why hearty boy do this?
- Galder the Hot: 'Cause the... the sun
broke.
- Storyteller: Yea, our heroes do seek the
Master of Evolution, going on a long and perilous journey, which is
pretty stupid because the Master of Evolution lives right next door
to them.
- Lula: Have no fear? I'm guessing you don't
know Dave.
- Master of Evolution: You people have no idea
how much work it is to evolve something, do you!? I spent a billion
years just trying to get something with a spine!
- [The Royal Family tries to educate Candy via a puppet
show.]
- Dave: [High-pitched voice.] We're
gonna sing about colors!
- Dave and Fang: [Singing.] Red and
blue and yellow! Red and blue and yellow!
- [The Master of Evolution refuses to evolve Candy's body
after her family fails at evolving her mind.]
- Candy: What if I hang you from tree, and learn
you new game called, "Piñata?"
- [The Master of Evolution evolves Candy.]
- The Master of Evolution: Presto, evolve-o.
[Snaps fingers.]
- Oswidge: And you've learned it's not what's on
the outside that's beautiful, it's what's on the inside: your
heart. And your liver, your gallbladder, and your spleen.
- Storyteller: When a tale is so great that it
is passed down through the centuries, we call it, a legend. The
story you are about to hear... Is not that great. I mean, don't get
me wrong, it's not a bad story, it has chickens in it, it's just
not great.
- [Candy is frusterated at how many presents Dave has
received.]
- Candy: All wrong! World: upside-down! I'm the
princess in this family, do you know how long it's been since I've
got a gift basket? A gift certificate? A nice card!?
- [Candy "calls" her mom and dad through a cauldron. They are
chained to a wall.]
- Glimia: Well, when you fight evil, sometimes
you're gonna get put in a fiendish deathtrap from which you have to
heroically escape at the last instant.
- Throktar: Don't worry about your Rite of
Pillage, son. Ransack a town, rob the peasants, then, bang! Home
for cake. Easy-peasy.
- Glimia: Oops, the dungeon keeper's coming!
Time for us to pull off our heroic escape and destroy the
citadel!
- Thronktar: Toodle-bye!
- Pillage Master: Men know me as... The Pillage
Master. But you may call me... Doria.
- Dave: Thats a pretty name.
- [Dave trains for his Rite of Pillage.]
- Dave: [Clears throat.] I would like
to formally apologise for all the trouble we barbarians have-
- Fang: No! Scare them, scream at them, run and
yell! Run and yell!
- Lula: You're about as scary as a quart of
non-fat milk!
- Storyteller: And the chickens do peck upon the
head of Dave until the next sunrise and well into the
afternoon.
- Pillage Master: Dave, it is now the sixteenth
hour of the sixteenth day of the sixteenth month, of your sixteenth
year!
- Dave: Sixteenth month? Has anyone checked this
guy's math?
- [The Pillage Master issues Dave an F on his battle
cry.]
- Oswidge: Hark, the dread footfalls of family
disgrace draw nigh.
- Fang: If that means Dave's a bonehead, I
agree.
- [The Pillage Master describes the "Laying Waste"
test.]
- Pillage Master: You must lay waste here,
[Dave begins chuckling,] then you must lay waste over
there. Then, when you feel you can no longer lay waste, you- all
right, what is so funny!?
- [Dave "ruins" some houses.]
- Dave: Look at that hideous paint job, the
atrocious awnings, and the landscaping- ugh! From a design
standpoint, those buildings are ruined beyond belief!
- [For the Plundering Test, Dave rings a doorbell and asks if
he can steal some jewels.]
- Some Kid: [Holding a microphone in a
stand-up comedian role.] We're so poor, our bologna doesn't
have a first name! Hello!? [Taps microphone.] Has this
thing been invented yet? Come on, these are the jokes, people!
We're so poor, we can't buy a vowel! So, two guys walk into a
barbarian...
- Pillage Master: Oh, there must be something
lower than F-minus. Z! Z! Z! Z! Z! Z! Z!
- Candy: Here's the plan: we changes our names,
move to a distant island, and disguise ourselves as a family of
travelling donkey polishers.
- Fang: Is this before or after we beat Dave to
a pulp?
- Fang: Psych! No way man! Later we're gonna
sneak up and skin you with a clam shell. [Family cracks
knuckles]
- Dave: I like clams.
- [Dave finds out about the final test in the Rite of
Pillage.]
- Dave: Penmanship? [Singing.] Look out
people, here I come!
- Storyteller: Mighty is his ink, and flawless
his calligraphy! Ne'er has such a feat of penmanship been witnessed
in the history of mankind! And his spelling is good, too.
- [Fang questions why penmanship counts for 70% of Dave's
final grade.]
- Pillage Master: I know, but the whole Rite of
Pillage thing is sponsored by a pen company. D-minus!
King for
a Day or Two / Slay What? [1.5]
- [Candy gripes about ruling as a princess, and points oud
that Dave wasn't given "the dumb job."]
- Dave: No. But if they had, I would bear the
burden with grace, dignity, and style. Also, I'd redo the throne
room in a polynesian motif.
- [Dave's second proclamation as King.]
- Dave: Henceforth, every Saturday will be
Udrogoth Spirit Day. All subjects will wear the kingdom's official
colors: red, a slightly darker red, and another red a lot like the
first one, but more sort of... salmony.
- Dinky: I hate your brother's stupid Spirit Day
law. Red is so not my color. It makes me look slain.
- [Dave proclaims that all cats in the kingdom must be
shaved.]
- Sentry on the Right: It was going okay until I
started shaving his belly.
- Sentry on the Left: Yeah, they look pretty
cute 'til they get mad, huh?
- Fang: You've gotta stop passing all these
stupid laws! Everybody's really mad at you! Especially the
cats.
[A rock with a note tied to it breaks through a window. Dave
catches and reads it.]
- Dave: It says, "Meow."
- Fang: And they mean it.
- Dave: I'll show them! Heads will roll!
Excrutiating punishments will be enacted! Wedgies will be
given!
- [Dave orders all subjects to attend the opening day of his
musical, "Oh, Pastry!"]
- Sentry on the Left: "Every subject must
attend?" But if we go, the kingdom will be unguarded
against invaders.
- Sentry on the Right: Nope. See, it says, "All
invaders must attend as well."
- Sentry on the Left: Wow, the king thinks of
everything.
- [The intro to Dave's musical.]
- Dave: [Singing.] With all the
suffering in the world... that makes us feel sad, or irate... One
thing still fills us all with joy and starchy carbohydrates...
Pastry, why the heck are you so tasty?
[Chuckles struggles getting the Enchanted Throne of Udrogoth
to make him king.]
- Chuckles: Now make me king, or I'll
reupholster you in a really ugly plad!
- [Another scene in Dave's musical.]
- Dave: Alas, poor danish, what is thy filling?
Well, who knows better than the danish prince!
- Dave: As the true King of Udrogoth, I order
you to... Stop being mean!
- Chuckles: Okay, time for new laws! [Clears
throat.] First, pickled pigs' feet do not belong in jars in
delis, they belong on [Screaming] pigs' ankles!
- Dave: You call that a law?
- Chuckles: It beats shaving cats.
- [Candy brings the citizens of Udrogoth to rescue
David.]
- Sentry on the Right: We will defend to the
death he who brought us Casual Dress Friday!
- Storyteller: Throughout history, there have
been many great barbarian heroes: Kronkaz the Smasher, Mortaad the
Ridiculer-
- Mortaad: Hey! Pizza face!
- Storyteller: Sheebor, the Stomper on Things
Until They're Squished Into Mushy Paste-
- Sheebor: Ha! Are you paste yet?
- Flat Ugly Monster: Not... Quite.
- Storyteller: These mighty heroes have been
honored in the most ancient and venerable of old art forms.
- Fang: One pack of Famous Barbarian Trading
Cards, please. [Shouting.] Or I'll crush you like a
grape!
- Fang: Now, I've got Strom's trading card, and
action figure, and poster, and lunch box, and board game, complete
table setting, snow globe, his official biography, his unofficial
biography, his officially unofficial biography, and his
new-and-improved super-deluxe monkey warmer!
- Monkey [lying in a wooden hot tub with
Strom's picture on it] Is it hot in here, or is it me?
- Strom: I'm here to slay the dragon, people!
[Cow moos.] You know, big scaly monster? Fangs? Wings?
Been terrorizing you for years?
- [Ms. Bogmelon describes Faffy, Dave's dragon.]
- Bogmelon: It's more of a dumb, little, flyin'
potato or somethin'.
- [Candy teaches Faffy the martial art of "Tae Kwon
Don't."]
- Candy: It's not as good for fighting as Tae
Kwon Do, but it's great for firming the buttocks.
- Fang: Strom the Slayer has slain griffins, and
basilisks, and manticores. He's slain so much stuff it's amazing
anything's still alive! He is exactly what I want to be when I grow
up.
- Strom: So, there's eight or ten girls back
home, and then maybe... twenty or thirty on the road?
- Candy: So... you're saying you're single?
- [Strom points out that the book Dave is holding is
smoking.]
- Dave: Ye-e-es, yes, it's a filthy habit, but I
can't get it to stop.
- [Strom guesses Fang is a human (who is normally mistaken
for a monkey)]
- Fang: [In awe.] He guessed my
species...
- [Strom takes out his axe to slay Faffy.]
- Fang: Oooh, the Legendary Golden Tri-Axe! And
here comes his famous battle cry!
- Strom: [Screaming.] Valim-Valee!
- Fang: Okay, the battle cry isn't all that
great. But the axe is cool!
- Dave: I'm highly allergic to being chopped
up!
[Uncle Oswidge casts a magic spell, which is reflected back
to him and Candy and turns them into centipedes.]
- Candy: Do you have any idea what this is gonna
cost me in shoes?
- Dave: Could we move to another part of the
castle? I'm running out of things to hide behind!
- [Dave questions why Strom has stopped trying to slay
him.]
- Strom: Obviously you've never touched a
monkey. It's kind of addicting.
- Storyteller: And thus did Fang learn, that
even the greatest hero can be a-
- Fang: Weenie.
- [Dave looks at the new card added to the Famous Barbarian
Trading Cards collection.]
- Dave: "Dave the Hider Behind Things"? Oh,
that's not a flattering picture at all.
Civilization
/ The Terror of Mecha-Dave [1.6]
- [Some bugs are telling scary stories about Fang, and are
interrupted by Fang.]
- Fang: I squash you all!
- [Dave reads a letter from his parents.]
- Dave: Dear kids, we're still busy fighting
evil, but we'll be home soon. Your mother says the demon monkeys
may attack but I don't think- egad, they're here. Ieee, argh, ow,
ow, ow, ow, yar, ock, yargh, ock, ye, ye, ye, ye, ye, scree, erk.
Love, mom and dad.
- Dave: We can teach Fang to be way, way, way
more civilized with this: [holds up book.] A Young Lady's
Guide to being Way, Way, Way More Civilized.
- Candy: What was I thinking? Making Fang
civilized is hopeless!
- Oswidge: Yes, because we've been missing the
key ingredient: bribery!
- Storyteller: Fizzberries: a treat so beloved
by Fang, that she would chew off her own leg to get to them!
- [Fang, after becoming civilized, decides to clothe all of
the naked animals in Udrogoth.]
- Fang: It'll be even better once I get dresses
on all these fish!
- Fang: Here, little ladybug. I made you a
dress!
- Ladybug: Nice material! Is it chiffon?
- [Fang has made a moat for Udrogoth Castle and turned it
into a bug-feeding trough]
- Dave: They're in my pants!
- Storyteller: Bugle Beetles! These terrible
insects are famous for their unstoppable wrath!
- Dumb Beetle: We're gonna smash things up good,
huh? [Chuckles.]
- Dumber Beetle: We're gonna smash things up
real good! [Laughs.]
- Storyteller: They're also famous for being
about as smart as the stuff you scoop out of a pumpkin.
- [The Royal Family sees the invading Bugle Beetle
herd.]
- Dave: I'll go get bug spray. I think there's
some in northern China!
- [Osiwdge tries to defeat a Bugle Beetle with his
magic.]
- Oswidge: Hold your horses, bigfella, I gotta
check the owner's manual for this wand. Ah, here it is. Destroy:
see obliterate. Obliterate: see Destroy. Dang it!
- Candy: It's my fault we're all... doomed and
junk.
- Fang: Oh, dear! The killer insects are
menacing my beloved family!
- Dumb Beetle: Is it just me, or does The Great
Destructor seem smaller in person?
- Dumber Beetle: Maybe we's bigger in
person.
- Dave: You want me to beat up your friend,
Cheesette, because she gave you a fishclock?
- Candy: For my birthday! Can you imagine!? She
knew I wanted a cute top to go with all the other cute things I
have that make me look cute!
- Dave: Hey, why don't you just buy her
something super nice, and make her feel really guilty?
- Candy: I like it! And it allows me to punish
her by using my awesome shopping powers!
- [Dave shows off his clockwork model of Udrogoth.]
- Dave: Yeah, but it's broken. It's supposed to
fly around shooting out colored lights and playing, "I'm a Yankee
Doodle Barbarian."
- [The Royal Family asks a Creepy Old Guy if he knows how to
get to the Cliffs of Fabulous Shopping.]
- Creepy Old Guy: Aye, that I do. Ye must cross
the Gorge of Agony, where a mighty beast awaits to tear ye limb
from limb. From there, ye climb the Mountain of Thousand Screams,
which nay a man has never faced and lived to tell the tale! Or ye
could take the shuttle.
- [Upon arriving at a small village, Dave is quickly beaten
up by guards.]
- Oswidge: I warned you. No one wants to hear
poems about a fluffy throw pillow.
- [Oswidge and Fang discuss what might be wrong with
Dave.]
- Oswidge: On the other hand, Dave might simply
be unhinged. In which case, all we have to do is restrain him in a
pitch-black dungeon for countless years until he snaps out of
it.
- [Bogmelon demonstrates a Beaver Leg Shaving device to
Candy.]
- Bogmelon: It also works on armpits!
- Candy: Twinkle, my flying steed! I'm sorry I
haven't visited you for a while...
- Twinkle: I've been... So lonely, in here. Such
terrible thoughts one has, alone, in the dark.
- Candy: Uh, like I said, I'm real sorry I
haven't visited you for a while.
- Twinkle: It's not important! No one cares
about me! They think to mock, and belittle Twinkle the Marvel
Horse, do they? Well it is they, they, who will suffer!
- Twinkle: I had that... dream again. The one,
where I do terrible things, to penguins, with a croquet
mallet.
- Oswidge: Don't think I've forgotten the most
important thing: there's still fudge on the agenda!
- [Fang, Oswidge, and Clockwork Mecha-Dave go into Chuckles'
evil lair.]
- Chuckles: Actually, it's the Evil Lair
Boutique! I just work here part time to pick up extra money.
- [Chuckles is interrupted by a customer.]
- Shoppin' Gal: Do you have Junior Ms. Body
Armor?
- Chuckles: Aisle 6, by the accessory
daggers.
- Osiwdge: Let's get this over with so we can
have fudge!
- [Oswidge casts a magic spell and turns himself into a
newt.]
- Oswidge: Note: In future, point magic wand
away from self.
- Dave: It's a trick! I'm Dave! He's the fake,
and I'll prove it! [On his knees.] Please don't hurt me,
oh, please, please, please, please!
- Mecha-Dave: This proves nothing. [Also on
his knees.] Please do not hurt me. For being hurt is
unpleasant.
- Oswidge: Which is the true dave, and which the
machine? No man can say.
- Oswidge: Normally, I wouldn't ask, but this is
cutting into my fudge time!
- [Chuckles is interrupted by the customer, again.]
- Shoppin' Gal: Do you have this in teal?
- Chuckles: Oh, no, sorry, just sea foam or
melon, sweetie.
- [Candy points out that Mecha-Dave has a clockwork key in
his back.]
- Oswidge: I thought it was some kinda
growth.
- Mecha-Dave: My programming has been changed,
Chuckles. I am now commanded to pound you into bacon mist.
- Chuckles: Ew.
- Chuckles: Get away! I'm too pink to die!
- Candy: Fudge? I need to give her something
really great so she'll feel guilty about that lousy present she
gave me!
- Dave: So, tell her it's imported.
- Candy: That could work.
- Oswidge: Ah, fudge. Truly it is the greatest
of the brown-colored fruits.
- Oswidge: Newts don't eat fudge!
The
Way of the Dave / Beauty and the Zit [1.7]
- [Dave cooks kitten-shaped apricot pancakes for
Fang.]
- Fang: Gormet cooking is not barbariany!
- Dave: Uncle Oswidge, Fang's being mean to
breakfast!
- Oswidge: Can't you two just- pancakes!
- Dave: I never wanted to be a Barbarian!
- Fang: You did when you were ten!
- Dave: Only because I thought it meant a
librarian who also cuts hair.
- Oswidge: Don't make me turn you two into
cabages again!
- Bogmelon: Just got a big shipment of snakes...
You want one?
- Snake: Please, buy me!
- Candy: Actually, I'm looking for one of those
hats with antlers on it.
- Bogmelon: We got that.
- Snake: I'm a hat! Please buy me!
- Candy: Look, anything that can say it's a hat
isn't a hat, okay?
- Bogmelon: Oh, a hat! You want a hat! We got
that.
- Snake: I'm a hat!
- [A kid asks Bogmelon for a hot dog.]
- Snake: Buy me, I'm delicious!
- [Dave volunteers to help Candy get a hat.]
- Dave: Oh! I can help with that! I love hats!
Whaddya need? A cap? A derby? A plumed velvet tricorne with satin
trim and those little sparkly dangly bits that hang down, they're
all dangly and sparkly and-
- Oswidge: I call upon thee to summon images of
Throktar and Glimia, wheresoever they may be!
- Cauldron of Summoning: Please deposit ten
drekles for the first five minutes.
- Glimia: We destroyed the evil citadel of
Naccar the Obliterator yesterday.
- Throktar: They had a lovely gift shop. We got
you a spoon!
- Throktar: Whoops, gotta go. Giant man-eating
cockroaches have come to rip out our entrails.
- [The Royal Family enters the Desert of Peculiar
Smells.]
- Oswidge: Smells kinda like a cross between
rotten bananas and being hit in the face with a shovel.
- Chuckles: I'm the master of evil! The master
of evil! I can't help it if I have an adorably curly little
tail.
- [Chuckles the Silly Piggy summons a sand
monster.]
- Chuckles: And now, my fiendish sand monster
shall destroy- I, I'm, I'm sorry, but are you chewing gum while I'm
delivering my villainous threats? That is so rude! Spit it out,
little mister!
- [Dave runs away from the sand monster, accidentally running
around the entire world.]
- Polar Bear: If it ain't fish, I'm not
interested.
- Dave: My enchanted sword will change your
tune, villain!
- Lula: What? What are you looking at? What?
What!?
- Dave: I guess I was hoping for, I don't know,
like some kind of magical energy blast?
- Lula: And you couldn't say something!? What am
I, a mind reader!?
[Lula shoots a magical energy blast at Chuckles, who shoots
an energy blast from his amulet.]
- Dave: Ha! It seems we are evenly matched!
- Chuckles: Not really. Mine's still set on low.
Bye-bye! [He turns a dial on the amulet to "high."] You
shall perish beneath the might of my mighty... Mightiness!
- Dave: [Thinking.] Why is it so echo-y
inside my head?
- Throktar Hallucination: I'm just a
hallucination brought on by stress! Well, gotta go! The annual
hallucination costume party's tonight. [Disappears, then
reappears in a tutu, laughing.] I'm going as a fairy
princess!
- Chuckles: Normally, I hate pathetic
grovelling. But on you, it worked.
- Dave: I'll give you anything. Look, using my
world-renowned artistry, I've made you this origami hat!
- Chuckles: Oooh, I love that! And with antlers!
Very fetching!
- Chuckles: I'm not a moose! I'm a pig wearing
an origami hat with antlers!
- Moose-Eating Thunder Hawk: Yeah, yeah, I wish
I had a nickel for every time I heard that story.
- [Candy asks for fashion advice from Fang.]
- Fang: I don't give a rabid weasel's snout what
you wear to some stupid dance.
- Candy: You don't understand! One fashion
mistake, and the other girls will rip me to shreds!
- Fang: Cool!
- Candy: No, I mean, really, rip me to
shreds.
- Fang: Cooooool!
- Oswidge: I just heard I'm going to emcee the
ball! And the emcee always eats first! [Licks lips.]
They're gonna have those nutlogs I like!
- Dave: I just heard I'll be working the hat
check room at the ball. So many hats... It's like a... A beautiful
dream.
- [Candy screams at the sight of her zit.]
- Dave: What is it!? A monstrous ogre!? An
ogreous monster!? Tell me quick so I'll know the best way to run
away!
- Oswidge: A little magic, I'll have that
hideous thing off your face faster than you can say, "get this
hideous thing off my face."
- Candy: Get this hideous thing-
- Oswidge: Gitripozene!
- [Uncle Oswidge turns Candy into a stack of
magazines.]
- Dave: Hey, look! It's the Pillaging
Illustrated swimsuit issue!
- Candy: Move your hand one inch closer, and
you'll be pulling back a stump.
- Candy: Uncle Oswidge, I could kiss you! If you
weren't so short, and old, and ugly, and smelly.
- Oswidge: I'm not that short.
- Candy: Um... You wanna dance?
- Pank: Sure. Wait... you mean with... you?
- [The Zit kidnaps Candy.]
- Candy: Hank! Do something!
- Pank: [Looking at his pants.] Uh... I
think I just did.
- Dave: Okay, I'll do it. But only if I don't
have to fight the monster.
- Fang: Of course you have to fight the monster!
What're you gonna do, bake him a pie!?
- Dave: But everybody loves pie!
- Ted: You know what I hate most about eating
people?
- Stu: When their shoes get caught in your
teeth?
- Ted: Bingo!
- Zit: I am Sebacious D. Wisehop. But you may
can call me, "Zit."
- Candy: I'm Princess Candy.
- Zit: I know, I used to be on your
forehead.
- Candy: Why did you grab me?
- Zit: Because I'm a monster! An evil,
bloodthirsty, uncivilized monster! Who's totally in love with
you!
- [Candy tells Dave that zit cream never works.]
- Dave: Oh no? Well, this is New-and-Improved
Zit-B-Gon!
- Zit: [Gasps.] Not New-and-Improved
Zit-B-Gon! With the miracle ingredient XV-17, zits don't stand a
chance against Zit-B-Gon! Now available in regular or grape!
- Oswidge: Don't cry, Candy. You're still young.
As a teenager, you'll have a lot more chances to fall in love! And
if not, at least you'll have a lot more zits!
Band
/ Web [1.8]
- [In this episode Dave, Fang, Candy, Oswidge, and Faffy
create a band with a donkey.]
- Fang: [singing] Donkey chum, donkey
chum
- Yeah, yeah, yeah! Love my donkey or you are dumb! Yeah, donkey
chum! [screams]
- [Uncle Oswidge invents rock 'n' roll after hearing Fang's
version of "Donkey Chum".]
- Uncle Oswidge: I'll call it rock 'n' roll.
Cause it feels like you're being hit with a rock, and I'm hungry
for a roll.
- [Fang explains how she knows how to play the
lute.]
- Fang: It's a long story. See, there was this
bug...
- [Fang flashes back.]
- Bug: Spare my life and I'll teach you how to
play the lute.
- [Back in the present.]
- Fang: Then he taught me the lute. Huh, guess
it wasn't that long.
- [After "Donkey Chum" became a hit Dave writes another song
entitled "Pancake Party".]
- Dave: Here's a little song I like to call
"Pancake Party".
- [singing] If I had a pancake....
- I'd eat it with butter!
- I'd eat it with syrup!
- I'd eat it with a fork!
- Oh Pan...
- Fang: Let me show you how it's done!
- [singing] Pancakes, Pancakes,
- Eat 'em with a fork! Pancakes, pancakes! Don't be a dork!
- [After the Ogre's check had been passed from debtor to
debtor Dave questions what just happened]
- Uncle Oswidge: I think I can explain all that
in song...
- I knew an egg by the name of Steve
- Layed by a moo-cow, I believe
- Wore pants, suspenders and a tie
- And only washed his face on the fifth of July
- Steve took a nap in a frying pan and woke up next to
sausages!
- [The cast joins in a chorus of "Steve the Egg".]
- Dave: Now I get it! Were they nice? Did they
offer hors d'œuvre?
Running gags and
catchphrases
- Dave: Bejabbers!
- Fang: NOT A MONKEY!
- Candy: Don't mess with the princess!
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