David John Decoskey


Although many unique and outlandish individuals have graced the halls of the Hollidaysburg Area High School, perhaps none have achieved the level of public recognition as much as David John Decoskey. Throughout the years, the character and personality of David have undergone remarkable development and change. His outstanding attributes, both physical and psychological, have earned him with numerous distinctive nicknames. From Beaker to Red Dave, the ever-evolving character of David John Decoskey has become a phenomena and an obsession.

In his middle school years, David was neither well known nor well understood. Those who did know David often described him of being "pale, chubby, and awkwardly dressed" Andrew P. Mcgough. However, eighth grade was to become a turning point in David's life. In many of his classes, his peers would frequent jokes and imitations of a teacher regarded to be "really shitty" Washington Post. While attempting to imitate this teacher himself, David caught the attention of such peers. Rather than speaking coherently in his imitations, David blurted what sounded like "meeps" and "beeps." Over the year, David became widely known for his frequent beeps, a sound that would prompt the most enduring nickname in the history of the world. In November of 2002, David John Decoskey was rechristianed "Beaker," a name credited to Andrew P. Mcgough.

On a cold day in the second marking period in ninth grade, Beaker was summoned to the front of the class while taking his genetics test in Honors Biology. In what was undoubtedly the defining moment in his junior high school career, Beaker was humiliated and ashamed on a public level by Mr. Glen Stevens.

"David, get the hell up here. Do you have any idea how to do this?"

"Uh yes sir, I-I was just trying to-"

"David, give me your damn paper." Stevens proceeds to wrestle the paper from Beaker's arms and madly tear through it in a rage seen only when the BVB is playing a contact sport.

"Now, David, this is how you do it. You clearly have NO idea what the hell you are doing. Go home tonight, study, and you are taking this again tomorrow."

"Ye-yes sir." It was cruel and harsh beyond words. Although Beaker's test had been ripped apart, so had Beaker. That night, Beaker went home and frantically searched for his Biology textbook. Upon discovery, he studied without break for the 7 hours that took place between getting home from school and engaging in the 10:00 Warcraft tournament of Elves. From this point on, Beaker effectively narrowed the focus of his life to the crafts of War and School. All changed, however, early in his tenth grade experience.

As David leaves the lunch line in late August of 2004, he searches for a table that looks friendly and accommodating. Beaker makes a fateful decision to take a seat at a table that would effect change in Beaker so significant that his life would turn 180 degrees. J.P. McIntyre, Andrew P. Mcgough, Isaac Hershey, Michael Morder, and Stephen Albright were just a few who resided at that table of destiny. Although David thought this table to be inclusive of friendly individuals, he had no idea that he had just chosen to sit at possibly the most immature and socially critical high school cafeteria table that ever existed in this part of the world.

Greeted with a flying meatball, Beaker immediately beeped in hopes of silencing the attacks of Stephen Albright. This preemptive strike was the inevitable beginning of the transformation of Beaker's life. What started as a general criticism of Beaker turned into a fierce and scathing defilement and ridicule of every aspect of his personality and character. The next several months witnessed the rise to power of Steve the Tyrant. Ruthlessly and mercifully tearing into every action, comment, and breath of Beaker, the tyrannical and audacious Stephen T. Albright launched Beaker into a state of depression and solitude. This depression would manifest itself physically on Beaker for the next several weeks until “The Event.”

Walking down the hall to my third period class, an ear-to-ear smile quickly appeared on my face as I quickly erupted into uncontrollable laughter. To my opposite, Andrew P. Mcgough is paralyzed with laughter such that all the blood from his body rushed to his face. When we entered into our class, nothing need be said, as our facial expressions spoke for themselves. The topic of our laughter, of course, was Beaker. Unassuming and oblivious, Beaker was sighted waddling down the crowded halls in spectacular attire. From his neck to his knees, the intensely scarlet-colored tee shirt with a St. Louis Cardinals insignia draped his body. Upon closer examination, athletic shorts, remarkably the same shade of red as the Cardinal shirt, peaked out near the bottom, where his pale, peach-colored legs fit nicely into his high socks and New Balance tennis shoes. It was a hilarious, yet unfortunate sight. Prior to “The Event,” Beaker had worn such classic shirts as the “crab shirt,” the “green giant shirt,” and the “you got served shirt.” After facing the inevitable torment and ridicule for wearing the cardinal shirt, Beaker lost his interest in wearing “sweet classics” Samuel Dinger.

Opening a new chapter in Beaker’s life, he started to lose confidence and his sense of individuality. Every day at lunch, Beaker would face increasing hostility. Each and every time that Beaker attempted to speak resulted in a swift Albright interjection of “This is why we hate you.” Every period of lunch, Beaker endured 42 minutes of nonstop criticism of his attire, way of talking, way of sitting, way of walking, way of thinking, and every possible element of his character. It leaves one to wonder as to why he didn’t move to another table. In January of 2005, Beaker redeployed to another table. Beaker finally believed he was making an escape. However, seeing as Steve and his henchmen were addicted to making fun of Beaker, Steve ordered his ally, Michael Morder, into action.

Country fried chicken-beef was for lunch, and rice was the side. Wielding a Styrofoam bowl containing rice, Morder makes his way to Beaker’s new table. Morder proceeds to flank Beaker, pouring the entire container of rice onto Beaker’s head. The piles of rice fall onto his clothing and onto the floor. Beaker’s self esteem hit rock bottom.

In retrospect, many who witnessed the event considered it to be tactless and tasteless. When Beaker returned to the table, the war zone died down, being virtually eliminated. Things started to improve as Beaker-Steve relations calmed. Peace started to prevail and change was blowing in its winds. Beaker had peaked at some point during tenth grade and started to deteriorate following the rice event. Nothing of significance occurred for the rest of the year, which takes the life of Beaker into eleventh grade.

Physically and mentally on the brink of destruction, Beaker decides to alter his lifestyle. In tenth grade, Beaker entered his cocoon, hibernated, and in eleventh grade, emerged as New Beaker. Beaker initiated a crusade to change his image. From joining the track and swim teams to lifting weights, Beaker lost more than weight and gained more than muscle mass. He dropped the silly and quirky “Old Beaker” and became the serious and reluctant “New Beaker.” It was a regretful process that most of his friends and peers despised.

New Beaker did not beep and did not meep. Swimming and lifting weights replaced Warcraft and (masturbation) as New Beaker’s primary occupations. The classic shirts existed no more. “Along with his weight, Beaker seemed to have lost his personality” Samuel Dinger. Perhaps the most notable change was the New Beaker’s physical appearance. It was a Stark¹ contrast to the Old Beaker. Although New Beaker was undeniably an improved Beaker, for which all should give him credit, he was missing a critical part of his core character: Silliness.

A conclusion on the life of Beaker would not be fitting. Consequently, I find it more appropriate to end this exposé in a manner reflective of the true character of David John Decoskey:


I am the Prince of Egypt,
I will set them free,
They will sip very fine tea.









¹ A subtle allusion to Laura Stark: a sexual enigma