== Background ==
David "Gooch" Maitland was born in Kiama Hospital at age 0 on Thursday Decmber 18, 1986. The event caught the attention of the local media, as can be seen below:



Schooling.
Due to all the media attention, David was hidden from the public until the 1990's, when he began his schooling. After failing pre-school, he was enrolled in the only form of school that would accept him - a NSW public school. It was at Minnamurra Public School (MPS) where Dave's true potential was fully realised, as he showed off his abilities to sit up striaght and colour within the lines to his fellow classmates in class KD<ref>Hamblen, T & Komino, D (1992) David Maitland. School Records, Minnamurra</ref>. From here, David launched himself as a serious contender in the classroom, earning numorous Supersonic awards to prove that he was not only a teacher's pet, but that he could also eat the most ice-cream and hotdogs on the priviledged excursions to the Kiama Ice-Creamery.

Whilst at MPS, David participated in several school activities, including: the production of Peter Pan, where he featured as a toy soldier and in the choir, and vommited on the audience as he took a bow, yet quickly blamed it on his arch-nemesis who was playing Peter Pan.
The production of Joseph, once again joining the choir, and again shocking the audience on the final night when a wardrobe malfunction caused the single sheet that he was wearing to fall down, seeing David do absolutely nothing due to staff instructions to "ignore all distractions". It is common belief that it was due to this incident that, whilst on excursion to Canberra, his Yr6 teacher paid such special attention to David, allowing him to spend time alone with her...
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"We went to look at the city lights when it was dark, but Dave left with the teacher for a few hours, and when we got back he was all dopey with his hair ruffled up." Chopsy<ref>Lamb, A (1998) Canberra: My Story, Made-up Publishers, Bombo, p63</ref>
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David was also highly involved in team activities throughout his school years. In 1995 he was part of the formation of a gang with other classmates, with the main activities being singing the hit song Cat's in the Cradle by Harry Chapin. Outside of school, David also participated in the local soccer team, joining the unsuccessful team in the u10s, and remaining until his late teens. Within the team, David played many different positions such as bench warmer, and was always a hot contender each year for the prestigous "most improved" award, with his main rivals being the highly talented and skilled [The names of Ben Catterall and Thomas Korber have been removed].
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"Yeah Dave was so shi-- why do I have to say this again? This is heaps slack and not even true. You're just jealous that you didn't win the award because you never improved. And it doesn't count as a quote if you force someone to say it. Anyway you were the shit one Steve." Scott (the ball hog)<ref>Harris, S (2007) Personal Interview</ref>
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Entrance to Kiama High School (KHS) once again saw David excelling instantly, rising to the top of the grade due to his achievements in geography, where he continued to colour within the lines, however, struggled to use the correct colours for land and water. This did not do him any favours in making friends though, as rumours spread of his family ties to the subject. Instead, David had to make do with the friends he had gained at MPS who were still impressed by his drawing capabilities.



High school also saw Dave develop a passion for hands-on activities through Design & Technology classes. This led him to pursue three years of elective Home Economics, with a particular focus on sewing. However, this was to end after his Yr 10 formal when he didn't win the award for best dressed, which he blamed on society "not being ready for a tissue-paper skirt"<ref>Maitland, D (2002) Post-Modern Society: a Failure, Vague Publishings, Dunmore</ref>. Following this crushing defeat, David once again hid himself from the public and relocated to the library where he became a super-nerd, and only re-emerged when he had conquered the most extreme subjects: Chemistry, Physics, 4 unit Maths, History and English (That last bit was actually somewhat factual. To avoid confusion, please disregard it). This incredible amount of knowledge saw markers of his HSC papers struggle for reasons to not give him the top mark, and so they settled on punishing him for his handwriting, which did not slope at the perfect angle. <blockquote>
I always thought there was a bit more room for improvement there. Perhaps if he had given more attention to my own incredibly accurate handwriting he may have better succeeded" Barra<ref>Barracosa, H (2004) One Plus One Equals Mathematical Fun: Let's Go Mathematicians, Awesome Teacher Publisher's, Kiama</ref>
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Beyond School
Even with his handwriting sloping 1.5 degrees from perfect, David was still able to secure himself a place at Wollongong University, studying engineering. However, with Dave once again knowing too much information, the university made a deal with Bluescope Steel to give him a cadetship, where he must work in toxic sewers and around heavy machinery for long hours in the hope that his brain function is reduced. The plan has so far proved unsuccessful, with David instead delivering educational programs within the workplace, which we must assume is for the sole purpose of achieving future world domination. It is believed that his plans for domination are to be revealed on Saturday, 15 December, 2007, under the guise of a birthday party. Guests will be encouraged to salute with the phrase "Happy 21st Dave", and consume copious amounts of C₂H₅OH, a toxic substance that impairs brain function, known by many as 'alcohol'.

NB. The following references, like much of the preceeding 'information' may not be 100% accurate.

References

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