Denis Leary: Wikis


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Denis Leary
Denis Leary 2008 crop.jpg
Leary at the HBO Post-Emmys Party, Pacific Design Center, September 21, 2008
Birth name Denis Colin Leary
Born August 18, 1957 (1957-08-18) (age 52)
Worcester, Massachusetts, U.S.
Medium Stand-up, Music, Television, Film
Years active 1987–present
Genres Rant, Musical comedy, Satire, Observational comedy, Black comedy
Subject(s) American culture, Current events, Libertarianism, Recreational drug use, Drinking culture
Influences Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor
Spouse Ann Lembeck (1989-present)
2 children[1]
Notable works and roles No Cure for Cancer
Lock 'n Load
Gus in The Ref
Michael McCann in The Thomas Crown Affair
Diego in Ice Age
Tommy Gavin in Rescue Me
"Bill" in "The Sandlot"

Denis Colin Leary (born August 18, 1957) is an American actor, comedian, writer, and director. He is known for his often biting comedic style and his chain smoking. Leary is the star and co-creator of the television show Rescue Me which begins is sixth season in June.



Early life

Leary was born in Massachusetts, the son of Irish Catholic immigrants. His mother, Nora, was a maid, and his father, John Leary (deceased), was an auto mechanic.[2] Since both of his parents are from Killarney, County Kerry, Ireland; Leary holds both Irish and American citizenship. He graduated from Saint Peter-Marian High School, in Worcester. Through marriage, Leary is a third cousin of talk show host Conan O'Brien[3][4] and has jokingly said on Late Night with Conan O'Brien that, "All Irish people are related."

Emerson College

Leary is a graduate of Emerson College, in Boston, where he was classmates with fellow comic Mario Cantone, who remains his close friend. Comedian Steven Wright and actress Gina Gershon also attended Emerson at the same time as Leary. At the school, he and Jodi Haffner co-founded the Emerson Comedy Workshop, a troupe that continues on-campus as of at least 2009.[5] After graduating with the Emerson Class of 1979, he took a job at the school teaching comedy writing classes and maintained the job for five years.[6] Leary was honored with an honorary doctorate and spoke briefly at his alma mater's undergraduate commencement ceremony on May 16, 2005[7] and is credited as "Dr. Denis Leary" on the cover of his 2009 book, Why We Suck.


Leary started his career as a comedian in the Boston comedy scene of the 1980s, where he hosted his own show at the underground club "Play It Again Sam's". He also wrote and appeared on a local comedy series, Lenny Clarke's Late Show, hosted by his friend Lenny Clarke and written by Boston comedy writer Martin Olson. Leary and Clarke both spoke about their early affiliations and influences in the Boston comedy scene in the documentary film When Standup Stood Out (2006). It was during this time that he developed his stage persona. He also appeared in skits on the MTV game show Remote Control, playing such characters as Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones, the "brother" of co-host Colin Quinn, and artist Andy Warhol.

Leary first earned fame when he ranted about R.E.M. in an early 1990s MTV sketch. Several other commercials for MTV quickly followed, in which Leary would rant at high speeds about a variety of topics, playing off the then-popular and growing alternative scene. He released two records of his stand-up comedy: No Cure for Cancer (1993) and Lock 'n Load (1997). In late 2004, he released the EP Merry F#%$in' Christmas, which included a mix of new music, previously unreleased recordings, and some tracks from Lock 'n Load.

In 1993, his sardonic song about the stereotypical American male, "Asshole," achieved much notoriety. It was voted #1 in an Australian youth radio poll (the Triple J Hottest 100)[8] as well as reaching #2 in the singles chart in that country.[citation needed] The video also became a staple of MTV's late-night programming. Due to its explicit and controversial content, however, with the exception of multiple Top 9 Tonight spins on 107.3 WAAF, Boston, it received limited airplay on mainstream American radio stations. At the 2004 Comics Come Home event in Boston, Massachusetts, Leary performed a new version of the song directed at the New York Yankees baseball team, and as the song concluded, Bronson Arroyo walked on stage with the World Series trophy. The song was also used as part of the Holsten Pils series of ads in the UK, in which Leary was participating, with adapted lyrics criticizing a drunk driver.

Leary has appeared as an actor in over 40 movies, including The Sandlot as Scott's stepfather Bill, Monument Ave., The Matchmaker, The Ref, Suicide Kings, Dawg, Wag the Dog, Demolition Man, The Thomas Crown Affair and Operation Dumbo Drop. He has had the lead role in two television series, The Job and Rescue Me. In addition, Leary has provided voices for characters in animated films, such as a fire-breathing dragon named Flame in the The Agents series, a prehistoric saber-toothed cat named Diego in the Ice Age film trilogy, and the pugnacious ladybug Francis in A Bug's Life. He has produced numerous movies, television shows, and specials through his production company Apostle; these include Comedy Central's Shorties Watchin' Shorties, the stand-up special Denis Leary's Merry F#$%in' Christmas, and the movie Blow. As a Boston Red Sox fan, he narrated the official 2004 World Series film. In 2006, Leary and Lenny Clarke appeared on television during a Red Sox telecast and, upon realizing that Red Sox first baseman Kevin Youkilis is Jewish, delivered a criticism of Mel Gibson's antisemitic comments.[9][10] As an ice hockey fan, Leary also hosted the National Hockey League video NHL's Greatest Goals. In 2003, Comedy Central honored Leary with the Comedy Central Roast of Denis Leary. Friend Jeff Garlin acted as roastmaster. Roasters included Mario Cantone, Adam Ferrara, Dane Cook, Jim Breuer, Nick DiPaolo, Don Gavin, Christopher Walken, Lenny Clarke, Gina Gershon, Conan O'Brien, Jon Stewart, Gilbert Gottfried, Colin Quinn, and Michael J. Fox.

As of 2004, Leary is the star and co-creator of the FX cable-network series Rescue Me. He plays Tommy Gavin, a New York City firefighter dealing with alcoholism, family dysfunction, and other issues in post-9/11 New York City. Leary received Emmy nominations in 2006 and 2007 for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series for his performance. For this TV series, he turned down roles in two films: The Departed (Mark Wahlberg got the role after Leary turned down the role) and Bobby, which his close friend Emilio Estevez directed.

Leary did the TV voiceover for MLB 2K8 ads, where he used his trademark rant style in baseball terms, and ads for the 2009 Ford F-150 pickup truck. He has also appeared in commercials for Hulu and DirecTV's NFL Sunday Ticket package. Leary was a producer of the Fox Broadcasting series Canterbury's Law and wrote and directed its pilot episode. Canterbury's Law aired in the spring of 2008 and was canceled after eight episodes.

On September 9, 2008, Leary hosted the sixth annual Fashion Rocks event, which aired on CBS. During one part of the show, Leary came onstage dressed in a long gold halter dress and wearing diamond earrings and a bracelet; he carried a purse and a pair of high heels. In another segment, he let out a controversial rant about Britney Spears, the birth of Ricky Martin's twins, and David Duchovny going to rehab for sex addiction.

In December 2008, Leary appeared in a video on critiquing a list of some of his "best" films, titled "Denis Leary Remembers Denis Leary Movies".[11]

In 2008, Leary was a guest star on The Simpsons. In this episode titled "Lost Verizon", the second episode of season 20, Leary was exaggerated as a "very epic" superstar.

On March 21, 2009 Leary began the "Rescue Me Comedy Tour" in Atlantic City, New Jersey. The 11-date tour, featuring Rescue Me co-stars Lenny Clarke and Adam Ferrara, was Leary's first stand-up comedy tour in 12 years.

On January 1, 2010, both Leary and Lenny Clarke sang the Neil Diamond song "Sweet Caroline" at the 2010 NHL Winter Classic at Fenway Park, flanked by members of the Boston and Worcester Fire Departments. On January 10, 2010, Denis sang at Road Recovery at New York City's The Bowery along with Peter Frampton, John Varvatos and Leary's band The Enablers.

Personal life

Denis Leary has been married to writer Ann Lembeck Leary since 1989.[1] They met when he was her instructor for an English class at Emerson College. They have two children, son John Joseph "Jack" (born 1990) and daughter Devin (born 1992). Ann Leary published a memoir, An Innocent, a Broad, about the premature birth of their son on an overseas visit to England. She has also written a novel, Outtakes From a Marriage, which was published in 2008.

Leary is a ice hockey fan and has his own backyard hockey rink at his home in Connecticut with piping installed under the ice surface to help the ice stay frozen. His favorite National Hockey League team is the Boston Bruins.[12] During the 2010 NHL Winter Classic he appeared with his friend Lenny Clarke and members of the Worcester Fire Department and the Boston Fire Department and led the crowd in singing "Sweet Caroline". He is also a diehard Boston Red Sox fan, as well as a fan of the Philadelphia Eagles.

Leary is a libertarian. He has said, "I'm more interested in my issues than I am in the guy" and "I was a life-long Democrat, but now at my age, I've come to realize that the Democrats suck, and the Republicans suck, and basically the entire system sucks. But you have to go within the system to find what you want."[13] Leary supported Barack Obama in the 2008 presidential election.[14]

Leary defines his religious beliefs as "I'm a lapsed Catholic in the best sense of the word. You know, I was raised with Irish parents, Irish immigrant parents. My parents, you know, prayed all the time, took us to mass. And my father would sometimes swear in Gaelic. It doesn't get more religious than that. But, no, after a while, they taught us wrong. I didn't raise my kids with the fear of God. I raised my kids with the sense of, you know, to me, Jesus was this great guy...".[13]

Despite jokes he's made, Leary watches The Oprah Winfrey Show frequently and loves the program.[14]

Leary Firefighters Foundation

On December 3, 1999, six firefighters from Leary's hometown of Worcester were killed in a massive warehouse fire. Among the dead were Leary's cousin Jerry Lucey and his close childhood friend Lt. Tommy Spencer.[3] In response, the comedian founded the Leary Firefighters Foundation. Since its creation in the year 2000, the foundation has distributed over $2.5 million (USD) to fire departments in the Worcester, Boston, and New York City areas for equipment, training materials, new vehicles, and new facilities. Leary won $125,000 for the foundation on the game show Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. Leary has close ties with 107.3 WAAF-FM, which in 2000 released the station album "Survive This!" Part of the proceeds from this album were donated to the Leary Firefighters Foundation.

A separate fund run by Leary's foundation, the Fund for New York's Bravest, has distributed over $2 million (USD) to the families of the 343 firemen killed in the September 11, 2001, attacks in addition to providing funding for necessities such as a new mobile command center, first responder training, and a high-rise simulator for the FDNY's training campus. This new fund was established because the families of the Worcester fire did not want to include New York families into the fund. As a result, Leary created a separate fund for New York.

As the foundation's president, Leary has been active in all of the fundraising, usually presenting large checks and donated equipment personally. The close relationship he has developed with the FDNY as well as with individual firefighters across the New York/New England area has resulted in Leary's most recent television show, Rescue Me, a comedy-drama on FX. In the pilot episode of the show, he is seen wearing a Leary Firefighter Foundation 9-11 Memorial T-shirt.

In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans, Leary donated over a dozen boats to the New Orleans fire department to aid in rescue efforts in future disasters. The foundation also rebuilt entire NOLA firehouses.

Autism-remarks controversy

In his 2008 book Why We Suck: A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid, Leary made a statement about autism that has angered many people.

There is a huge boom in autism right now because inattentive mothers and competitive dads want an explanation for why their dumb-ass kids can't compete academically, so they throw money into the happy laps of shrinks... to get back diagnoses that help explain away the deficiencies of their junior morons. I don't (care) what these crackerjack whack jobs tell you — your kid is not autistic. He's just stupid. Or lazy. Or both.

In response to the controversy, Leary stated that the quote was taken out of context and that in that paragraph he had been talking about the trend of overdiagnosis of autism, which he attributed to American parents seeking an excuse for behavioral problems and underperformance. Later, he apologized to parents with autistic children whom he had offended.[15][16]

Accusations of plagiarism

For many years, Leary had been friends with fellow comedian Bill Hicks. However, when Hicks heard Leary's No Cure for Cancer, he felt Leary had stolen his act and material. The friendship ended abruptly as a result.[17] Hicks once famously told an interviewer: "I have a scoop for you. I stole his (Leary's) act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did".[18]

At least three stand-up comedians have gone on the record stating they believe Leary stole not just some of Hicks' material but also his persona and attitude.[17][19][20][21] One similar routine was about the band Judas Priest, during which Hicks specifically says "I don’t think we lost a cancer cure."

During a 2003 roast of Denis Leary, comedian Lenny Clarke, a friend of Leary's, said there was a carton of cigarettes backstage from Bill Hicks with the message, "Wish I had gotten these to you sooner." This joke was cut from the final broadcast.[22]

The controversy surrounding plagiarism is also mentioned in American Scream: The Bill Hicks Story, by Cynthia True:

Leary was in Montreal to host the "Nasty Show," at Club Soda, and Colleen was coordinating the talent so she was standing backstage when she heard Leary doing material that sounded incredibly similar to old Hicks riffs, including his perennial Jim Fixx joke: ("Keith Richards outlived Jim Fixx, the runner and health nut dude. The plot thickens."). When Leary came offstage, Colleen, more stunned than angry, said, "Hey, you know that's Bill Hicks' material! Do you know that's his material?" Leary stood there, stared at her without saying a word and briskly left the dressing room.[23]

She reportedly said, upon hearing a tape of Leary's album No Cure for Cancer, "Bill was furious. All these years, aside from the occasional jibe, he had pretty much shrugged off Leary's lifting. Comedians borrowed, stole stuff and even bought bits from one another. Milton Berle and Robin Williams were famous for it. This was different. Leary had, practically line for line, taken huge chunks of Bill's act and recorded it."[23]

In the August 2006 Playboy, an interviewer told Leary, "Much has been written about you and comedian Bill Hicks.... People have accused you of appropriating his persona and material." Leary replied:

That's a great story that people like to latch onto.... Very quickly we got New York club owners saying, 'You guys are too alike' while I was saying, 'What are they fucking talking about?' It's the same approach to the subject maybe, but it's not the same act.... But as I've said many times, a fable is sometimes better than the truth.[24]

In a 2008 appearance on The Opie and Anthony Show, comedian Louis CK claimed that Leary stole his "I'm an asshole" routine, which later became a hit song for Leary.[25]


Year Result Award Category Film/Show
2009 Nominated Golden Globe Awards Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television Recount (2008)
2008 Nominated Emmy Awards Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or a Movie Recount (2008)
2007 Nominated Emmy Awards Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series Rescue Me
2007 Nominated Satellite Awards Best Actor in a Series, Drama Rescue Me
2007 Nominated Prism Awards Performance in a Drama Series, Multi-Episode Storyline Rescue Me
2006 Nominated Emmy Awards Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series Rescue Me
2006 Nominated Satellite Awards Best Television Series, Drama Rescue Me
2006 Nominated Satellite Awards Best Actor in a Series, Drama Rescue Me
2006 Nominated Prism Awards Performance in a Drama Series, Multi-Episode Storyline Rescue Me
2005 Nominated Emmy Awards Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series Rescue Me
2005 Nominated Golden Globe Awards Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series - Drama Rescue Me
2005 Nominated Satellite Awards Best Actor in a Series, Drama Rescue Me
2005 Won Satellite Awards Best Ensemble - Television Rescue Me
2005 Nominated Satellite Awards Best Television Series, Drama Rescue Me
2005 Nominated Television Critics Association Awards Outstanding Achievement in Drama Rescue Me
2005 Nominated Television Critics Association Awards Outstanding New Program of the Year Rescue Me
2003 Nominated Kids' Choice Awards Favorite Voice from an Animated Movie Ice Age
2003 Nominated DVD Exclusive Awards Best Actor Double Whammy (2001)
2002 Nominated Television Critics Association Awards Individual Achievement in Comedy The Job
2002 Nominated Television Critics Association Awards Best New Show The Job
2000 Won Blockbuster Entertainment Awards Favorite Supporting Actor - Drama/Romance The Thomas Crown Affair (1999)
1996 Won CableACE Awards Best Directing: Comedy National Lampoon's Favorite Deadly Sins (1995)
1992 Won Edinburgh International Arts Festival Critic's Award No Cure for Cancer (1992)
1992 Won BBC Festival Recommendation Award No Cure for Cancer (1992)



Year Title Role Notes
1987 Long Walk to Forever Newt short film
1991 Strictly Business Jake cameo
1993 The Sandlot Bill
Who's the Man? Sergeant Cooper
Demolition Man Edgar Friendly
National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon 1 Mike McCracken cameo, performing You Really Got Me
Judgment Night Fallon
1994 The Ref Gus
Gunmen Armor O'Malley
Natural Born Killers Prison Inmate director's cut, cameo
1995 National Lampoon's Favorite Deadly Sins Jake TV-movie, also directed segment "Lust"
Operation Dumbo Drop CW3 David Poole
The Neon Bible Frank
1996 Underworld Johnny Crown/Johnny Alt
Two If by Sea Francis "Frank" O'Brien also writer
1997 The Second Civil War Vinnie Franko TV-movie
Love Walked In Jack Hanaway also producer
Subway Stories Guy in wheel chair TV movie, segment "The Red Shoes"
Wag the Dog Fad King
Suicide Kings Lono Veccio
The Real Blonde Doug
The MatchMaker Nick
1998 Monument Ave. Bobby O'Grady a.k.a Snitch, also uncredited writer
Wide Awake Mr. Beal
Small Soldiers Gil Mars
A Bug's Life Francis voice
1999 True Crime Bob Findley
Jesus' Son Wayne
Do Not Disturb Simon
The Thomas Crown Affair Det. Michael McCann
2000 Sand Teddy
Lakeboat The Fireman
Company Man Officer Fry
2001 Double Whammy Det. Raymond Pluto also uncredited producer
Final Bill performing Little Sister
2002 Dawg Douglas "Dawg" Munford a.k.a Bad Boy
Ice Age Diego voice
The Secret Lives of Dentists Slater
2003 When Stand Up Stood Out Himself documentary
The Curse of the Bambino Himself documentary
Reverse of the Curse of the Bambino Himself documentary (sequel)
2006 Ice Age: The Meltdown Diego voice
2008 Recount Michael Whouley TV-movie
2009 Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs Diego voice

Gross (films)

Year Title US Gross
1993 The Sandlot US$32.1 million
Demolition Man US$134.0 million
Judgment Night US$12.1 million
1994 Gunmen US$3.4 million
Natural Born Killers US$11.1 million
1995 The Neon Bible US$78,072
1997 The MatchMaker US$3.3 million
1998 Wide Awake US$58,212
Small Soldiers US$71.7 million
A Bug's Life US$162.7 million
1999 The Thomas Crown Affair US$69.3 million
2006 Ice Age: The Meltdown US$195.3 million

TV shows

Year Title Role Note(s)
1987 Remote Control Various roles All episodes
1990 Afterdrive Himself Talk show
1992 Tonight with Jonathan Ross 2 episodes
1998 The Late Late Show with Tom Snyder Himself Episode dated 24 April 1998
1998 Fantasy World Cup Himself Episode #1.15
1998 Space Ghost Coast to Coast Himself Episode: "Waiting For Edward"
2001–2002 The Rosie O'Donnell Show Himself Guest at two episodes
2001–2002 The Job Mike McNeil Also writer and producer
All episodes
2002 Contest Searchlight Fictionalized version of himself All episodes
2002 Crank Yankers Joe Smith (voice) Episode: 1.2
2004 Rescue Me Tommy Gavin nominated for Golden Globe and Emmy
also creator, producer and writer
2005 The Charlie Rose Show Himself one episode
Last Call with Carson Daly Himself two episodes (2004–2005)
The Tony Danza Show Himself episode dated 13 July 2005
The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch Himself one episode
2006 Rachael Ray Himself 1 episode
Late Show with David Letterman Himself 5 episodes (2003, -4, -5, -6, -7)
Late Night with Conan O'Brien Himself 6 episodes (1997–2007)
The Daily Show Himself 5 episodes (2002, -3, -6, -7, -8)
Live with Regis and Kathie Lee Himself 2 episodes
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Himself 6 episodes (1997–2007)
2007 Jimmy Kimmel Live! Himself Episode dated 12 September 2007
The Ellen DeGeneres Show Himself Episode dated 2 October 2007
The View Himself 4 episodes (2005–2007)
2008 The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson Himself 3 episodes (two of them in last seasons)
The Simpsons Himself 1 episode - "Lost Verizon"
Family Guy Himself 1 episode
The Daily Show Himself 1 episode
The Bonnie Hunt Show Himself Episode dated 3 December 2008
Jimmy Kimmel Live! Himself Episode dated 3 December 2008
2009 The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien Himself Episode dated 29 October 2009

TV commercials

  • Quaker State Motor Oil
  • MTV Promos (1991–93)
  • Lotus Notes
  • Holsten O'Pils beer
  • 2009 Ford F-150 (voice only)
  • Hulu 2009
  • Direct TV Sunday Ticket (2009)




  1. ^ a b "Ann Leary - The Official Site". 
  2. ^ "Denis Leary Biography (1957-)". 
  3. ^ a b Tim Coleman (2005). "Denis Leary: Playing with Fire". Smoke. Retrieved 2006-10-22. 
  4. ^,,1073718,00.html
  5. ^ "Emerson Comedy Workshop History". Emerson Comedy Workshop Online. Retrieved 2006-10-22. 
  6. ^ Wayne Chinsang (June 2001). "Denis Leary". Tastes Like Chicken. Retrieved 2006-10-22. 
  7. ^ César G. Soriano (May 26, 2005). "They came, they saw, they addressed the graduating class". USA Today. Retrieved 2006-10-22. 
  8. ^ "TripleJ Hottest 100 - 1993". 
  9. ^ "Denis Leary hates Mel Gibson". Retrieved 2006-10-22. 
  10. ^ Gayle Fee (August 17, 2006). "Leary & Clarke a big hit in Sox’ out-of-control booth". Boston Herald. Retrieved 2006-10-22. 
  11. ^ "Denis Leary Remembers Denis Leary Movies". 
  12. ^ "". Buccigross: I'm John, and I'm a hockey fan. Retrieved 29 January 2007. 
  13. ^ a b Honest Questions with Denis Leary. Glenn Beck Show. Aired July 4, 2007.
  14. ^ a b Oprah Fridays Live in Chicago with Denis Leary - Show Recap. By Elizabeth Borer. Published January 16, 2009.
  15. ^
  16. ^ Denis Leary Tells Parents: I’m Sorry
  17. ^ a b Kevin Booth and Michael Bertin (2005). Bill Hicks: Agent of Evolution. Harper Collins. ISBN 0-00-719829-9. 
  18. ^ Doug Stern (April 1993). "Profile: Bill Hicks". Austin Comedy News. Retrieved 2006-10-22. 
  19. ^ Joe Rogan (2005-09-27). "Carlos Mencia is a weak minded joke thief". Retrieved 2007-12-21. 
  20. ^ Rogan, Joe. Interview. Playboy Magazine. October 2003.
  21. ^ Tim McIntire (1998). "Dark Times: Bill Hicks: Frequently Asked Questions". Archived from the original on 2006-10-11. Retrieved 2006-10-28. 
  22. ^ "Roasting a Comic They Turn Up the Flames Gently". Boston Globe. 2003-08-10.  (dead link as of at least March 26, 2009)
  23. ^ a b Cynthia True (2002). American Scream: The Bill Hicks Story. Harper Paperbacks. ISBN 0-380-80377-1. 
  24. ^ Leary, Denis. Interview. Playboy. August 2006.
  25. ^ YouTube: Denis Leary ripped off "I'm An Asshole" from Louis CK

External links


Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

Denis Leary (born 1957-08-18 in Worcester, Massachusetts) is an Irish-American actor, comedian, writer and director.


Standup routines

No Cure for Cancer

  • ...and there aint a goddamn thing anybody can do about it, you know why? Because we've got the bombs! That's why, yeah! Two words: NUCLEAR FUCKIN' WEAPONS! OK?!
  • I would never do crack. I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?
  • I love to smoke. I smoke seven thousand packs a day!
  • NyQuil, NyQuil, NyQuil! We love you, you giant fucking "Q"!
  • I'm high as a kite and my teeth are green, merry fucking Christmas!
  • There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid.
  • I'm gonna get one of those tracheotomies, so I can smoke two cigarettes at the same time! I'm gonna get nine tracheotomies, all around my neck, I'll be Tracheotomy Man! He can smoke a pack at a time, he's Tracheotomy Man!
  • "I'm just not happy, I'm just not happy. I'm just not happy because my life didn't turn out the way I thought it would." Hey, join the fucking club! I thought I was going to be the starting center fielder for the Boston Red Sox. Life sucks, get a fucking helmet! Alright?
  • Ted Kennedy, a good senator but a bad date you know what I mean? "What'd I forget? Goddamit the fuckin' girl! Jesus Christ where are my pants?"
  • We didn't have rehab back in the Seventies. Back in the Seventies, rehab meant you stopped doing coke, but you kept smoking pot and drinking for a couple more weeks.
  • Happiness comes in small doses folks. It's a cigarette, or a chocolate chip cookie or a five second orgasm, that's it okay? You come, you eat the cookie, you smoke the butt, you go to sleep you get up in the morning and go to fucking work okay? That is it, end of fucking list!
  • God.. crack. Only in America would a guy invent crack. Only in America would there be a guy that cocaine wasn't good enough for. You know? One guy walking around New York City back in 1985 going, "You know, that cocaine's pretty good, but I want something that makes my heart explode as soon as I smoke it, ok? I want to take one suck off that crack pipe and go *snort* *splat* Now I'm happy! I'm dead, the ultimate high!"
  • Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct.
  • The people you would have overdose on drugs never would. Like Mötley Crüe would never fucking overdose, man, never. You could put them in a room with two tons of crack, they'd come out half an hour later, goin "ROCK ON MAN!"
  • Somebody accidentally nudges their poodle off a 75th floor ledge. Boink. And he's headed for the ground at a hundred and seventy five thousand miles per hour "BARROOOOOOOO!!". And "KERCHUNK" he's embedded on your head. You're dead on contact. The headline on the post the next day reads "man killed by best friend." People cut the article out and laugh about it at the office. You are forever remembered as the Poodleman! "I knew the Poodleman and he hated fucking poodles."
  • I was reading an interview with Keith Richards in a magazine and in the interview Keith Richards intimated that kids should not do drugs. Keith Richards! Says that kids should not do drugs! Keith, we can't do any more drugs because you already fucking did them all, alright? There's none left! We have to wait 'til you die and smoke your ashes! Jesus Christ! Talk about the pot and the fuckin' kettle.

Lock 'n Load

  • Coffee doesn't need a menu, it needs a cup! That's all it needs! Maybe a saucer underneath the cup- that's it!
  • When I was a kid, Dunkin' Donuts had two things: coffee and donuts, and that was it! You took the donut, dunked it in the coffee, thus the fucking title of the place!
  • I'm the Lord of the Dance! Fuck Michael Flatley, it's me!
  • Did I miss a fucking meeting with the coffee? You can get every other flavor except COFFEE FLAVORED COFFEE! They got mochaccino, they've got chococcino, frapaccino, capaccino, rapaccino, Al Pacino, WHAT THE FUCK!!!
  • You're 18 years old, you're in a 7-11, you don't know shit about shit, and PULL UP YOUR PANTS!
  • Cranberry Ale! Cranberry NUT CRUNCH FUCKING ALE! Cranberries and beer do not go together! One's for bladder infections, one's for getting DRUNK!
  • Peter Falk and Denis Leary today walked into a Starbucks and shot 27 people, without any announcement whatsoever.
  • Who has the balls to call themselves the lord of anything, huh? C'mon, last time somebody called themself lord on this planet they got CRUCIFIED, Michael (Flatley)! And we know where the hammer and the nails are! We could put you up in a couple of minutes!
  • (talking about The Lord Of The Dance) Have you seen that show? If you have, GET OUT! Get the hell out of my show right now!
  • (talking about Marv Albert]) Marv, Marv, Marv, Marv, Marv, Marv, Marv. This is God, what the HELL were you thinking?!?
  • Making a key decision now for our kids, it's religion decision time, you know...and I'm not bringing em up Catholic. I've made that decision. Boy, because I was raised Catholic, and NOO WAY! Uh-uh! Nope! Know what? I can't bring up my kids in a church whose authority system is entirely based on the size of fucking hats, okay? That's apparently how the Catholic church is run. The bigger the hat, the more important the guy, right? Priests have no hats, cardinals have those little red beanies, the pope has a collection of big hats...God must have a huge fucking sombrero up there in heaven! "Look at me, I'm GOD! Look at the size of my hat, who else would I be?" I don't know, lead singer of Los Lobos?

Lapsed Catholic Church

I am now the leader of the Lapsed Catholic Church, and here are the rules, my friends.

  • Thou shalt not? Fuck that, thou fucking shall!
  • As long as you don't have sex with kids or kill anybody you can do whatever the FUCK you want in my church!
  • But if you so much as look at an altar boy the wrong way, you don't get transferred to some distant parish up in Nova Scotia, no fucking way, pal! You stand naked in the middle of Times Square wearing a big neon sign that says "I carry a torch for kids who carry candles," you fucking asshole.
  • And there's no more magic, no more burning bushes or [the virgin Mary appearing on] blueberry muffins. You screw up this time, the virgin mother shows up in your driveway like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas, she pistol whips ya, and then she sets your dick on fire, OK?
  • Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife? Bullshit! You covet his wife, his house, his car, and his pool. You know why? Because he's coveting every INCH of your shit, pal!
  • Yeah, what are you doing, father? Keep your hands to yourself, man! Wanna do something with your hands? Stick them up the pope's ass! It's one of the new fucking rules, OK?
  • 'Cause in my church, when it comes to healing, you know how Benny Hinn lays his hands on a supposedly blind person, then when he takes his hands off, the guy can see? Here's how we do it in my church. You're a pothead? Guess're STILL a fucking pothead!
  • And when it comes time to confess your sins in the Lapsed Catholic Church, guess who you confess your sins to? That's right, Father Leary. You walk in and say, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." You know what I say? "That's fucking great! What did you do?" "I, um, thought impure thoughts many times this week--" "Fuckin' excellent! What else?" "Uh, I jerked off like five times--" "That's FUCKING great! You know what your penance is? Run across the street to that store, steal two cases of beer and a pizza, and bring it back here,' OK? 'Cause we're gonna sit around the rectory and smoke and eat pizza and drink beer and watch TV, and if we see the pope on TV, we're gonna give him the finger and make fun of his hats, OK?"
  • And you know what else?
  • Everybody's forgiven. Except you, O.J....fuck you. I hope your kids pull a Menendez on you, O.J., and then they'll be forgiven, ten times over.

So go in peace, my friends, get the beer and the pizza and bring it back here. Because Sin is in. Sin is in, and so we begin.


  • That's a great story that people like to latch onto...Very quickly we got New York club owners saying, 'You guys are too alike,' while Bill and I were saying, 'What are they fucking talking about?' It's the same approach to the subject maybe, but it's not the same act...But as I've said many times, a fable is sometimes better than the truth.
    • Playboy Magazine, August 2006, responding to the claim that he had stolen material from fellow comedian Bill Hicks.

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