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Dennis Schaefer

Early Life

Born in the wilds of western Tanzania in 1965, close to the approximate location of St. Michael's School, Kikolo, Dennis Schaefer is an engimatic leader who continues to confound many. Some argue that his greatest achievement occurred in 1972 when he trekked through the desert hinterland of the then Rhodesia with his great grandparents in a quest to leave the Middle East behind him in search of a better life. They were able to procure a small sailing craft, a Laser, at the desert city of Addis Ababa and proceeded to sail it in a southerly direction across the Indian Ocean. It was their intention and dream to reach Perth, Australia in the craft, but instead were shipwrecked on the South African coastline.

Schooling

Schaefer then attended public school in Johannesburg for a number of years up until 1983, when he was successful in being accepted into the University of the Witswatersrand, the alma mater of the famous Neslon Mandela. There he spent three years studying insurance law prior to his graduation. It was during his time at Witswatersrand that Schaefer gained the noteriety which plagues him today. After a mesmerising spell in thre drama club where he played a number of lead roles in the Pirates of Penzance, Schaefer was expelled after his refusal to play the part of Gavroche in Les Miserables stating "Victor Hugo has Nothing".

Rugby Career

He then played Rugby in the wind in the Witswatersrand First XV on the wind before his career was cut short after the first season with a debilitating knee injury which required its reconstruction. He turned his hand to coaching and quickly developed a fearsome reputation. A colleague of his, Fanie De Villiers recalls "Dennis was fearsome... he had this grip, this control over the boys which was quite daunting and unimaginable. He has his favourites and they were all under his spell. I remember the halfback Rob Jackson was one of his proteges.. he would leave the rest of the team sweating on the bus after training while he has extra kicking practice with Jackson and fetch the balls.. it was clear that Rob was a favourite". After he had the firsts for two years he had moulded sinewy boys into muscular young men and they played a closed style of game which was based on the kicking of Jackson from the back of the scrum. In the 1982 season, they went through and won the greater South African title undefeated, save for a draw against Orange Free State. De Villiers recalls "Dennis was always on the edge of his tether on Saturdays that year. The team would meet for a barbecue before the game and Dennis would be quite irate. He insisted that all the players not eat the sausages as the meat would fill them up too much if they did not have enough onion rings to go with them. He would take the players into the shed. We never know what happened in there, but, every Saturday, after five minutes, the boys would follow Dennis out in a single line, glassy eyed and glazed over, under his spell, and they would walk behind him in single file over to the field, where they would, predicatably win." But all was not rosy in Witswatersrand and Schaeffer realised in 1983 that it was time to move on, as South Africa was not big enough for the dreams of Dennis Charles Belford Schaefer.

Cricket Career

Schafer, disillusioned with rugby, found solace in the game of cricket. He recalls "Sitting at Witswatersrand Sports Club, contemplating all the possibilities, I heard what at first I thought to be a stampede of large elephants galavanting through a tunnel, only to find it was the vociferous belching of one D. C. Boon. Everyone seemed to love it, and I too fell in love, not so much with Boony, but the game which allowed such an outward and disgusting form of expression." Not having a golf ball, a cricket stump and a water tank to practice with, Schaefer improvised, using a second-hand tennis racquet, a bowling ball and the side of a barn. Suffice to say, he got good.............real good. Coming up through the grades, Schaefer took on and beat a number of current and former South African greats. Bound for greatness, Schaffer looked like a shoe-in for a representative spot in 1985 against a Kim Hughes-led Australian team, until an unfortunate incident cruelly cut his chance into three seperate pieces. Following the Aussies on tour, a young, but streetwise, man named Will Wallace, upon seeing the blindingly obvious talent and potential contained in both of Schaefer's little fingers, decided to put him out of commision for the upcoming tests. Gaining access to the South African teams dressing room before the game, Wallace replaced Schaefer's cricket gear with that of a man exactly 5/7 of his size (it is said that Schaefer is approx. 7 feet 11 inches tall). Not having any gear, and trying desperately to fit into the shonky gear, Schaefer left the ground, vowing to one day find out and repay the favour to the whoever procured his gear. Dennis went on to quit sport and any sport-related activities, except for following the Aussie team around and eventually back to Australia, still filled with quiet rage and compaasionate vengence.

Australia

Schaeffer then emigrated to Australia as an expert in insurance law and settled in Sydney.He quickly grew tired of this field as he was simply too good in court as a proceuting cousel, chasing dole bludgers after workers compensation and decided to enter the teaching profession.

Teaching

He attended the Southern Highlands Teacher College, graduating with a B Teach after three years in 1989. His first appointment at Bowral Grammar School is well remembered: On the first Saturday of the school year the school held its Commemoration Day. Parents were invited along to inspect the school, meet the teachers and observe emerging talent. Everyone remembers Commemoration Day 1990, according to one of the eyewitnesses: "The whole school was flabbergasted." Resplendent in flared trousers and orange cravat, Dennis, unannounced, got to his feet and belted out a number from the West End musical Pickwick, If I Ruled the World. His choice of song still amuses. "His prayer, you might say," murmured one of those who would later clash with Schaefer. The aspiring tenor, who takes his singing seriously, was devastated when a few of the staff burst out laughing. The Bowral and Moss Vale communities had not waited long to experience their first Schaefer moment. Though now on shaky ground at Bowral Grammer, Schaefer became a hero to many at the school when his coaching delivered the long-desired football premiership. It was a personal triumph for Dennis but some of the boys were cracking under the strain. Schaefer's world at Bowral was crumbling. Schaefer had lost a career and a kingdom. He had been around schools and universities for years. For the best part of two decades fine young men surrounded him and fought for his favour. So what new kingdom could be found, where Dennis Charles Belford Schaefer might live his many lives?


Radio

Part of the answer was: radio. In remaking his life after this low point, Schaefer took himself to Harvard; tried and failed to enter Parliament; and began his career on radio. By 1998 he was earning a fortune for himself and the Cambelltown Community Radio Station 2VB. Schaefer's ratings didn't falter. Whilst his three to 4 hours of radio a day for all those years become such a blur, the truth is just more ephemera. As long as he keeps talking the Cambelltown community are swept along in the sheer volume of verbiage: his editorials and opinions must now number in the tens of thousands. He speaks up for the virtues of civilised debate while using words like weedkiller to wilt his opponents. And, of course, his opinion is not for hire. As Schaefer understood from his days at Bowral Grammar, what matters is being someone. What matters is who is talking, and what is said.

Rebirth

Soon after, Dennis found himself teaching at a Macarthur-based school. Loved by children, parents and staff alike, but hated by anyone who pledged money during his time at 2VB, Schaefer had again found his calling. He regained his smile, his confidence, his sense of humour, and most importantly, his facial hair. Dennis was on a roll, a roll in his mind that, like a stone, could never ever be covered in moss. Taking on a number of duties including facilitating primary school sporting competitions, funnily enough named after some of his best loves (Kit Kat Cup, Crunchie Cup, the evergreen Ham & Salad Sandwich Tri-Class Tournament), public speaking (not him though, but some day <insert upward gazing of the sky and brooding look> and his greatest schooling achievement, birthday celebrating, where a number of lucky students get the opportunity to experience Cirque' De Schaefer', his all singing, all dancing, all loud performance which literally could bring down a house (possibly, if it was made of straw or sticks, not that brick stuff though, that stuff is quite strong, and immune to tenoritis).

Duck ala' Schaefe'

The school recently entrusted Dennis with barbeque duty. Considered by many a boring job, and considered by everyone else a job no man could really enjoy, Schaefer took it upon himself to transform school barbequer into a much coveted, and what turned out tobe a much argued-over position. Taking on a new alias of El Capiitan', and taking on board new-comer T. Hadfield as his apprentice, and pulling a dishevelled and washed-up Robert Jackson from Witswatersrand's many gutters, Subway restaurants and bowling alleys to his school as a primary school teacher, but on a higher, and much more regarded position as Onion Boy, Keeper of the tears. Schaefer once again had his trusty No.7 to one day (somewhere in the future) learn the trade, raise like a son, and to do all those things that he wanted to wash his hands off. This trio triumphed at Father's Day barbeque, with not one child or father going away hungry. Billed as "a bigger hit than those 4 guys who once played music together", they revelled in their success, and had heaped upon them many, many congratulations. Unbeknown to the other two, Schaefer already had plans to cut loose what he considered dead weight, or in reality would have been weight which one day would have been like helium, soaring above even the heights reached by the unatainable Dennis "The Menace" Schaefer. One sunny afternoon, Hadfield and Jackson were ready and raring to complete another successful barbeque, when The Bull come down to inform they weren't needed, and if they went anywhere near the barbeques or utensils, the hounds would be released, and that all they had eaten that week was tofu. Suffice to say, the barbequing careers of Jackson and Hadfield ended that day, in a cloud of controversy and what seemed like dust, small insects, and small pieces of burnt meat and fat floating on the wind.

The Challenge

November 2006, and a challenge was set. Unknown to Dennis, Will Wallace, unable to cope with Schaefer's successes over the years, had followed him and gained employment at the school. Will had made many friends, inlcuding Hadfield and Jackson, with plans put into place that will see them Head and Apprentice barbequers of the Macarthur region. Noticing that a touch football challenge had been set for local schools, Will entered a team, and knowing Schaefer's earlier injuries, invited him to play. Schaefer obviously considered it, but decided that it was not humanly possible to get his 7 feet 11 inches of body to undertake the rigours of amateur competition again, so declined. Seeing his chance, Wallace then publicly rebuked and shamed Dennis, including stinging comments and barbed one liners such as "Schaefer, you disappoint me", "How could you do this to me, to us, and to the entire combined populations of Australia, South Africa and Liechtenstein? (where he is known as Über Schafer, and is held up high with the likes of Tom Cruise, Paris Hilton and that guy who managed to eat 14 hotdogs standing on his head, with one hand tied behind his back), and "Why? <wipe tear away>. It seems that this strategy may backfire on Wallace, because while he has faults, Schaefer's strengths outweigh them at a ratio of almost 1.4 to one. This could be the final stand of Dennis Schaefer. Stay tuned...