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Dilbert
Dilbert animation cell.jpg
Author(s) Scott Adams
Current status / schedule Running
Launch date April 16, 1989
Syndicate(s) United Feature Syndicate
Publisher(s) Andrews McMeel Publishing
Genre(s) Humor

Dilbert (first published April 16, 1989) is an American comic strip written and drawn by Scott Adams. Dilbert is known for its satirical office humor about a white-collar, micromanaged office featuring the engineer Dilbert as the title character. The strip has spawned several books, an animated television series, a computer game, and hundreds of Dilbert-themed merchandise items. Adams has also received the National Cartoonist Society Reuben Award and Newspaper Comic Strip Award in 1997 for his work on the strip. Dilbert appears in 2000 newspapers worldwide in 65 countries and 25 languages.[1]

Contents

Themes

The comic strip originally revolved around Dilbert and his "pet" dog Dogbert in their home. Many plots revolved around Dilbert's engineer nature or his bizarre inventions. These alternate with plots based on Dogbert's megalomaniacal (evil) ambitions. Later, the location of most of the action moved to Dilbert's workplace at a large technology company, and the strip started to satirize technology, workplace, and company issues. The comic strip's popular success is attributable to its workplace setting and themes, which are familiar to a large and appreciative audience; Adams said that switching the setting from Dilbert's home to his office was "when the strip really started to take off."[2]

Dilbert portrays corporate culture as a Kafkaesque world of bureaucracy for its own sake and office politics that stand in the way of productivity, where employees' skills and efforts are not rewarded, and busy work is praised. Much of the humor emerges as the audience sees the characters making obviously ridiculous decisions that are natural reactions to mismanagement.

Themes explored include:

  • Engineers' personal traits
    • Idiosyncrasy of style
    • Hopelessness in dating (and general lack of social skills)
    • Attraction to tools and technological products
  • Business ethics
  • Esotericism
Announcement of changes in company password policy. From left: the Pointy-Haired Boss, Dilbert, Alice, and Wally (Pub. 10. Sept 2005)

Characters

Dilbert in popular culture

The popularity of the comic strip within the corporate sector has led to the Dilbert character being used in many business magazines and publications (he has made several appearances on the cover of Fortune).

The Toronto Star (in reruns), The Globe and Mail, Montreal’s La Presse,The Gazette, the Florida Times Union, the Indianapolis Star, the Providence Journal, the Washington Post, the Los Angeles Times, the Brisbane Courier Mail, the Windsor Star, and San Francisco Chronicle, among other publications, run the comic in their business section rather than in the regular comics section, similar to the way in which Doonesbury is often carried in the editorial section due to its pointed commentary.

Criticism and parody

Media analyst Norman Solomon and cartoonist Tom Tomorrow claim [3] that while Adams' caricatures of corporate culture seem to project empathy for white-collar workers, the satire ultimately plays into the hands of corporate upper management itself. Solomon describes the characters of Dilbert, none of whom occupy a position higher than middle management, as dysfunctional time-wasters whose inefficiencies detract from corporate values like 'productivity' and 'growth', a very favorable outlook for managers. Though Dilbert and his office-mates often find themselves baffled or victimized by the whims of managerial behavior, they never seem to question it openly. Solomon cites the Xerox corporation's use of Dilbert strips and characters in internally distributed 'inspirational' pamphlets:

"Xerox management had recognized what more gullible Dilbert readers did not: Dilbert is an offbeat sugary substance that helps the corporate medicine go down. The Dilbert phenomenon accepts—and perversely eggs on—many negative aspects of corporate existence as unchangeable facets of human nature...As Xerox managers grasped, Dilbert speaks to some very real work experiences while simultaneously eroding inclinations to fight for better working conditions."

Adams responded in the 2/2/98 strip and in his book The Joy of Work, simply by restating Solomon’s argument, apparently suggesting that it was absurd and required no rebuttal.

In 1997, Tom Vanderbilt wrote in a similar vein in The Baffler Magazine:

"Labor unions haven’t adopted Dilbert characters as insignia. But corporations in droves have rushed to link themselves with Dilbert. Why? Dilbert mirrors the mass media’s crocodile tears for working people—and echoes the ambient noises from Wall Street."

Bill Griffith, in his daily strip Zippy the Pinhead, used his strip as a forum to criticize Adams' artwork as simplistic.[citation needed] Adams responded on May 18, 1998, with a comic strip called Pippy the Ziphead, “cramming as much artwork in as possible so no one will notice there’s only one joke...[and] it’s on the reader.” Dilbert notes that the strip is “nothing but a clown with a small head who says random things” and Dogbert responds that he is “maintaining his artistic integrity by creating a comic that no one will enjoy.”[4] In September of the same year, Griffith mocked Adams by mimicking his "Pippy the Ziphead" creation with a strip showing stiff, Dilbert-like creations in an office setting and one of the characters saying, "I sense a joke was delivered."[5]

In the late 1990s, an amateur cartoonist named Karl Hörnell began submitting a comic strip parodying both Dilbert[6] and the Image Comics series The Savage Dragon to Dragon creator Erik Larsen. This soon became a regular feature in the Savage Dragon comic book, titled The Savage Dragonbert and Hitler’s Brainbert (“Hitler’s Brainbert” being both a loose parody of Dogbert as well as the Savage Dragon villain identified as Adolf Hitler’s disembodied, superpowered brain). The strip began as a specific parody of the comic book itself, set loosely within the office structure of 'Dilbert', with Hörnell doing an emulation of Adams' cartooning style.[7]

Dilbert has occasionally been panned for alleged "insensitivity" and off-color jokes, as documented by Adams in The Joy of Work. One of the most widely-attacked strips involved the Pointy-Haired Boss being saved in an airplane crash due to nuns being onboard ("You were saved by prayer?" "No, padding. They don't do a lot of aerobics at the nunnery."). The comic was published the same week as the death of Mother Teresa, leading to a huge backlash. His depiction of Elbonia has also drawn criticism from a variety of corners.

In It's Not Funny If I Have To Explain It, Adams recounts having been attacked for the alleged political content of his work (he is a self-described Libertarian), although in the case of one such strip (where oil drilling kills an endangered species) he excuses himself by saying "I just thought the image was funny." In particular, a series of strips in which Dogbert worked as a talk radio host drew criticism from conservatives for his supposed attack on Rush Limbaugh (which Adams denied in Seven Years of Highly Defective People). Earlier strips did engage in a degree of low-key political satire (for instance, a series of strips in 1992 where Dogbert runs for President), but since the early '90s Adams has mostly focused the strip on corporate issues.

Language

Terms invented by Adams in relation to the strip, and sometimes used by fans in describing their own office environments, include “Induhvidual.” This term is based on an American English slang expression “duh!” The conscious misspelling of individual as induhvidual is a pejorative term for people who are not in the DNRC (Dogbert's New Ruling Class). Its coining is explained in Dilbert Newsletter #6.

The strip has also popularized the usage of the terms “cow-orker” and PHB. The word “frooglepoopillion” is occasionally used for an extremely large number, a word coined by the marketing department at the company where Dilbert works, in a strip where it was revealed that the company owed so much money that no word existed to describe the number.

Some fans have used “Dilbertian” or “Dilbertesque” to analogize situations in real life to those in the comic strip.

The lamentation "You had ones? Lucky you, all we had were zeros!", commonly used in IT industry, also originated in a Dilbert's comic strip.

Management

In 1997, Scott Adams masqueraded as a management consultant to Logitech executives (as Ray Mebert), with the cooperation of the company’s vice-chairman. He acted in much the way he portrays management consultants in the comic strip, with an arrogant manner and bizarre suggestions, such as comparing mission statements to broccoli soup. He convinced the executives to replace their existing mission statement for their New Ventures Group, “to provide Logitech with profitable growth and related new business areas,” with “to scout profitable growth opportunities in relationships, both internally and externally, in emerging, mission-inclusive markets, and explore new paradigms and then filter and communicate and evangelize the findings.”[8][9][10]

To demonstrate what can be achieved with the most mundane objects if planned correctly and imaginatively, Adams has worked with companies to develop “dream” products for Dilbert and company. In 2001, he collaborated with design company IDEO to come up with the “perfect cubicle”, a fitting creation since many of the Dilbert strips make fun of the standard cubicle desk and the environment it creates. The result was both whimsical and practical.[11][12]

This project was followed in 2004 with designs for Dilbert’s Ultimate House (abbreviated as DUH). An energy-efficient building was the result, designed to prevent many of the little problems that seem to creep into a normal building. For instance, to save time spent buying and decorating a Christmas tree every year, the house has a large (yet unapparent) closet adjacent to the living room where the tree can be stored from year to year.

Awards

In addition to the National Cartoonists Society Reuben Awards won by Adams, the Dilbert strip has received a variety of other awards. Adams was named best international comic strip artist of 1995 in the Adamson Awards given by the Swedish Academy of Comic Art.

Dilbert was named the best-syndicated strip of 1997 in the Harvey Awards and won the Max & Moritz Prize as best international comic strip for 1998. In the Squiddy Awards, Dilbert was named the best daily strip of 1996 and 1997, and the best comic strip of 1998 and 2000. The strip also won the Zombie Award as the best comics strip of 1996 and 1997, and the 1997 Good Taste Award as the best strip of 1996.

Media

Comic strip compilations

Books in bold indicate special compilations or original strips.

  1. Always Postpone Meetings with Time-Wasting Morons — April 16, 1989 (first strip) to October 21, 1989
  2. Build a Better Life By Stealing Office Supplies
  3. Dogbert's Clues for the Clueless
  4. Shave the Whales — October 22, 1989 to August 4, 1990
  5. Bring Me the Head of Willy the Mailboy! — October 5, 1990 to May 18, 1991
  6. It's Obvious You Won't Survive By Your Wits Alone — May 19, 1991 to December 13, 1992
  7. Still Pumped from Using the Mouse — December 14, 1992 to September 27, 1993
  8. Fugitive From the Cubicle Police — September 28, 1993 to February 11, 1995
  9. Casual Day Has Gone Too Far — February 5, 1995 to November 19, 1995
  10. Seven Years of Highly Defective People — 1997; strips from 1989 to 1995, with handwritten notes by Scott Adams
  11. I'm Not Anti-Business, I'm Anti-Idiot — November 20, 1995 to August 31, 1996
  12. Journey to Cubeville — September 1, 1996 to January 18, 1998
  13. Don't Step in the Leadership — January 12, 1998 to October 18, 1998
  14. Dilbert Gives You the Business — Collection of favorites before 1999.
  15. Random Acts of Management — October 19, 1998 to July 25, 1999
  16. A Treasury of Sunday Strips: Version 00 — 1999; color version of all Sunday strips from 1995 to 1999
  17. Excuse Me While I Wag — July 26, 1999 to April 30, 2000
  18. When Did Ignorance Become A Point Of View? — May 1, 2000 to February 4, 2001
  19. Another Day In Cubicle Paradise — February 5, 2001 to November 11, 2001
  20. What Do You Call A Sociopath In A Cubicle? Answer: A Coworker - A compilation of strips featuring Dilbert's coworkers
  21. When Body Language Goes Bad — November 12, 2001 to August 18, 2002
  22. Words You Don't Want to Hear During Your Annual Performance Review — August 19, 2002 to May 25, 2003
  23. Don't Stand Where the Comet is Assumed to Strike Oil — May 26, 2003 to February 29, 2004
  24. It's Not Funny If I Have To Explain It — 2004; strips from 1997 to 2004, with more of Adams' handwritten notes
  25. The Fluorescent Light Glistens Off Your Head — March 1, 2004 to December 5, 2004
  26. Thriving on Vague Objectives — December 6, 2004 to September 11, 2005
  27. What Would Wally Do? — 2006; strips focused on Wally.
  28. Try Rebooting Yourself — September 12, 2005 to June 18, 2006
  29. Positive Attitude — June 19, 2006 to March 25, 2007
  30. Cubes and Punishment — 2007; a collection of comic strips on workplace cruelty.
  31. This is the Part Where You Pretend to Add Value — March 26, 2007 to January 5, 2008
  32. Freedom's Just Another Word for People Finding Out You're Useless — January 6, 2008 to October 12, 2008
  33. 14 Years of Loyal Service in a Fabric-Covered Box - October 13, 2008 to July 25, 2009 [2]
  34. Problem Identified: And You're Probably Not Part of the Solution

Business books

Other books

  • Telling It Like It Isn't — 1996; ISBN 0-8362-1324-6
  • You Don't Need Experience If You've Got Attitude — 1996; ISBN 0-8362-2196-6
  • Access Denied: Dilbert's Quest for Love in the Nineties — 1996; ISBN 0-8362-2191-5
  • Conversations With Dogbert — 1996; ISBN 0-8362-2197-4
  • Work is a Contact Sport — 1997; ISBN 0-8362-2878-2
  • The Boss: Nameless, Blameless and Shameless — 1997; ISBN 0-8362-3223-2
  • The Dilbert Bunch — 1997; ISBN 0-8362-2879-0
  • No You'd Better Watch Out — 1997
  • Please Don't Feed The Egos — 1997; ISBN 0-8362-3224-0
  • Random Acts of Catness — 1998; ISBN 0-8362-5277-2
  • Dilbert Meeting Book Exceeding Tech Limits — 1998; ISBN 0-7683-2028-3
  • Dilbert Book Of Days — 1998; ISBN 0-7683-2030-5
  • Work—The Wally Way — 1999; ISBN 0-8362-7480-6
  • Alice in Blunderland — 1999; ISBN 0-8362-7479-2
  • All Dressed Down And Nowhere To Go — 2002; ISBN 0-7407-2931-4
  • Dilbert's Guide to the Rest of Your Life: Dispatches from Cubicleland — 2007; ISBN 0-7624-2781-7
  • Dilbert Sudoku Comic Digest: 200 Puzzles Plus 50 Classic Dilbert Cartoons — 2008; ISBN 0-7407-7250-3
  • Dilbert 2.0: 20 Years of Dilbert — 2008; 576 pages, ±6500 strips, and Scott Adams' notes from 1989 to 2008.

Merchandise

  • Corporate Shuffle by Richard Garfield — 1997; A Dilbert-branded card game similar to Wizard of the Coast's The Great Dalmuti and the drinking game President
  • The Dilberito, a vegetarian burrito with 100% Daily Value of 23 vitamins and minerals
  • There was a line of Dilbert mints which had names along the lines of Manage-mints, Accomplish-mints, Perform-mints and Improve-mints.
  • Dilbert: the Board Game — 2006; by Hyperion Games; A Dilbert-branded board game that won Games Magazine Top 100 Games.
  • Day-by-Day calendars featuring the comic strip are available every year.
  • Dilbert: Escape From Cubeville was released in 2010 in the dilbert store section of dilbert.com

Animated series

Dilbert was adapted into a UPN animated television series, which ran for two seasons from January 25, 1999, to July 25, 2000. The first season centered on the creation of a new product called the "Gruntmaster 6000," including the idea process and testing by one Bob Bastard. The second season had no connecting story arc; plots varied from Wally finding disciples ("The Shroud of Wally") to Dilbert being accused of mass murder ("The Trial"). The second season two-episode finale included Dilbert getting pregnant with the child of a cow, a hillbilly, Robot DNA, "several dozen engineers", an elderly billionaire, and an alien, eventually ending up in a custody battle with Stone Cold Steve Austin as the Judge. Featured voice actors included Daniel Stern as Dilbert, Chris Elliott as Dogbert, and Kathy Griffin as Alice.

New Animation

On April 7, 2008, dilbert.com presented its very first Dilbert Animation. The new Dilbert animations are animated versions of original comic strips produced by RingTales and animated by Powerhouse Animation Studios. The animation videos run for around 30 seconds each and are added every weekday. On December 10, 2009 the RingTales produced animations were made available as a calendar application for mobile devices. [13]

"Drunken Lemurs" case

In October 2007, the Catfish Bend Casino in Burlington, Iowa, notified its staff that the casino was closing and they were going to be laid off. An employee of seven years, David Steward then posted on an office bulletin board the October 26, 2007 Dilbert strip[14] that compared management decisions to those of "drunken lemurs". The casino called this "very offensive"; they identified him from a surveillance tape, fired him, and tried to prevent him from receiving unemployment insurance benefits. However, in December 2007 an administrative law judge ruled that he would receive benefits, as his action was not intentional misbehavior. Scott Adams said it might be the first confirmed case of an employee being fired for posting a Dilbert cartoon.[15] On February 21, 2008, the first of a series of Dilbert strips showed Wally being caught posting a comic strip "which compares managers to drunken lemurs". Adams later said that fans should stick to posting Garfield strips, as no one gets fired for that.

Dilbert.com's Interactive Cartoons

In April 2008, Scott Adams announced that United Media would be instituting an interactive feature on Dilbert.com, allowing fans to write speech bubbles and, in the near future, interact with Adams about the content of the strips. Adams has spoken positively about the change, saying, "This makes cartooning a competitive sport."[16]

See also

References

  1. ^ [1]
  2. ^ Adams, Scott (2007-07-23). "The Loser Decision". The Dilbert blog. http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/the_dilbert_blog/2007/07/the-loser-decis.html. 
  3. ^ "The Trouble With Dilbert: The Book". Web.archive.org. http://web.archive.org/web/20040218235653/http://free.freespeech.org/normansolomon/dilbert/book/. Retrieved 2009-09-11. 
  4. ^ "Dilbert comic strip for 05/19/1998 from the official Dilbert comic strips archive". Dilbert.com. http://www.dilbert.com/strips/comic/1998-05-19/. Retrieved 2009-09-11. 
  5. ^ "Zippy the Pinhead comic strip for 09/20/1998 from the official Zippy the Pinhead comic strips archive". zippythepinhead.com. http://zippythepinhead.com/Merchant2/merchant.mv?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=20-Sep-98&Category_Code=sun1998&Product_Count=37. Retrieved 2009-12-06. 
  6. ^ http://www.javaonthebrain.com/artwork/dragonbert.html
  7. ^ http://www.javaonthebrain.com/artwork/dragonbert.html
  8. ^ Dilbert Creator Fools Execs With Soap Story, Associated Press, from the webpage of the Seattle Times, 11/16/97.
  9. ^ Dilbert Creator Fools Executives, AP story, in full, preserved on MIT humor bulletin board, 11/15/97.
  10. ^ The Dilbert Doctrines: An Interview with Scott Adams, by Virginia Postrel, Reason, February 1999.
  11. ^ Porter Anderson (2001-08-28). "Fred Dust: Designing for Dilbert". CNN Career. http://archives.cnn.com/2001/CAREER/jobenvy/08/28/dilbert.fred.dust.focus/index.html. Retrieved 2007-03-10. 
  12. ^ Porter Anderson (2001-08-28). "Scott Adams: Dilbert’s Ultimate Cubicle". CNN Career. http://www.cnn.com/2001/CAREER/jobenvy/08/28/dilbert.scott.adams/index.html. Retrieved 2007-03-10. 
  13. ^ "Dilbert Animated Calendar". 2009-12-10. http://www.metranome.net/calendars.php. Retrieved 2009-12-16. 
  14. ^ Scott Adams (2007-10-26). "Dilbert". http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/2007-10-26/. Retrieved 2008-04-24. 
  15. ^ Clark Kauffman (2007-12-19). "Bosses fire worker who put up 'Dilbert' comic". Des Moines Register. http://desmoinesregister.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20071219/NEWS/712190360/-1/politics. Retrieved 2007-12-20. 
  16. ^ Brad Stone (2008-04-18). "Scott Adams Hands “Dilbert” Pen to Fans". The New York Times. http://bits.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/04/18/scott-adams-hands-dilbert-pen-to-fans/. Retrieved 2008-05-14. 

External links


Quotes

Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

Dilbert is a series of comic strips, drawn by Scott Adams. They often depict an exaggeration of life in the business world. Briefly expanded into television with a short-running TV show.

Sourced

Dogbert: My invention can detect human stupidity. It has a very simple interface. All I do is point it at people.
Dilbert: Then what does it do?
Dogbert: Why would it need to do anything else?
May 14, 1997

Dogbert: You must use the stars as your management guide.
Pointy Haired Boss: Does that work?
Dogbert: If you believe it works, then you are not bright enough to make your own decisions anyway. So randomness is probably an improvement.
March 10, 1999

Asok: Can you teach me to be apathetic like you?
Wally: Only if you have a strong desire not to learn.
February 7, 2002

Dilmom: Thanks to you, my "Scrabble" night is a living hell.
Dilbert: Do you still use counterfeit vowels?
September 26, 2002

Dogbert: Welcome to Dogbert's Anger Management Seminar. My goal is to transform you from angry nuts into angry nuts who have paid me.
September 11, 2005

Dilbert: Success is the happy feeling you get between the time you do something and the time you tell a woman what you did.
September 10, 2006

Pointy-Haired Boss: [To himself] The best choice for Employee of the Month is... [Later...] Congratulations to Alice for being our Employee of the Month! You get to use my parking spot near the entrance for the rest of the month.
Alice: I take public transit to work.
Pointy-Haired Boss: You also get to take the rest of today off.
Alice: It's already five o'clock, and you said I need to finish my project by tomorrow morning.
Pointy-Haired Boss: And you get to have pizza with me.
Alice: I'M ON A #!$*% LOW CARB DIET!!!
Pointy-Haired Boss: [To himself, afterwards in his office, eating pizza] I nailed it.
May 27, 2007

Pointy-Haired Boss: [To his department] We can't compete on price. We also can't compete on quality, features or service. That leaves fraud, which I'd like you to call marketing.
September 13, 2007

Catbert: Your boss says you have a bad attitude.
Dilbert: That's because my project is a flailing corpse of misery, and my boss donated his brain to a gum museum. If I had a good attitude in this situation, it would be a sign of mental imbalance. My bad attitude is proof that I am thinking clearly. Are you going to compliment me on my clarity or demand I be irrational?
Catbert: I'm putting you in charge of the Employee Morale Festival.
Dilbert: I have a sudden urge to grab you by the tail and beat myself to death.
Catbert: That's how I know I won the meeting.
January 20, 2008

Asok: (to Dilbert and Alice) I'm going to a seminar that will teach me how to make a million dollars.
Alice: It's a scam.
Asok: How could you know that? I haven't even told you the name of the seminar! You can't be sure it is a scam if you know none of the details. You just want to crush my hopes so I become like you. But it won't work because I have dreams! I won't be a bitter and broken cynic like you two! I'll have the last laugh after I pay my nominal fee and learn how to "Turn a Hundred Dollars Into a Million."
(at the seminar)
Dogbert: Invest $100 at 5% interest and wait 190 years. Thanks for coming.
August 24, 2008

Dogbert: I need a job where my immense ego seems normal.
February 4, 1999

Dogbert: I'm going back to my old job as a network systems administrator.
Dilbert: Why?
Dogbert: I'm attracted by the potential for reckless abuse of power.
August 28, 1997

Dogbert: Do you know the difference between an electric razor and a toaster?
Dilbert: No.
Dogbert: No??? Geez, it must take you a long time to shave. Do you burn your face a lot?
Dilbert: I thought you were telling a joke.
Dogbert: How long have you had this problem?
December 6, 1991

Dogbert: My market research indicates that 50% of your customers are above the median age. But the shocking discovery was that 50% were below the median age.
Pointy Haired Boss: What percent are exactly the median age?
Dogbert: I'm proposing to study that in phase two.
July 23, 1994

Tom Jackson: Hi. I'm Tom Jackson. I have a meeting with your boss.
Pointy Haired Boss's Secretary: He has no one by that name on his calendar. The only people he's meeting today are Fob Meterfon, Gom Axfon, and Dabe Aggams.
Tom Jackson: Maybe when your boss said he was meeting with "Tom Jackson" you heard it as "Gom Axfon."
Pointy Haired Boss's Secretary: Is that how you want to play this? Really? SECURITY, COME ARREST THIS MAN!!!
Tom Jackson: (being hauled away by security guards) I'M GOM AXFON! I'M GOM AXFON!
Pointy Haired Boss: (irritated, looking at his watch) Where's Tom Jackson?
Pointy Haired Boss's Secretary: Don't you start with me.
April 26, 2009

Unsourced

Dogbert: Businesses used to be like Christianity; if you were faithful and obedient, you could obtain bliss in the afterlife of retirement. Now it's more of a reincarnation model. If a worker learns enough in his current job, he can progress to a higher level of employment elsewhere.

Asok: I have forgotten my password. I humbly beg for assistance.
Dogbert: I have no time for boring administrative tasks, you fool! I'm too busy upgrading the network.
Asok: You could have given me a new password in the time it took to belittle me.
Dogbert: Yeah, but which option would give me job satisfaction?

User: I don't know how to use my email.
Dogbert: You need to upgrade your IQ a few points. Try listening to classical music.

Dogbert: I have total access to every employee's email. With a few strategic edits, I will transform the office into Melrose Place.

Dogbert: 63% of all statistics are made up... including this one.

Dogbert: When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, society is doomed…

Dogbert: All great ideas look like bad ideas to people who are losers. It's always good to test a new idea with known losers to make sure they don't like it.

Dogbert: I have a new personal crusade. I'm going to hunt down the people who have strong opinions on subjects they don't understand. Then I'll bop them with this cardboard tube.

Dogbert: You're not entitled to your opinion. I copyrighted all of the stupidest opinions in the universe so they can never again be uttered.

Dilbert: My company lost a frooglepoopillion dollars. I'm embarrassed to tell people where I work.
Dogbert: Never be afraid to tell the truth about yourself.
Dilbert: Because honesty is the best policy?
Dogbert: Because no one pays any attention to what you say.

Dogbert: Dear Tim, your book does not meet our current publishing needs. Your plot was lame and I hated your characters. By association I have come to hate you too. For safety reasons, I have hired an illiterate person to rip up your manuscript.

Dilbert: How's the book publishing business coming along?
Dogbert: Great! I get to reject a dozen authors a day. I call them untalented dolts and they thank me for it.
Dilbert: Eventually, you have to publish something.
Dogbert: Yeah, well, that's the conventional wisdom.

Dogbert: I'm writing a book that debunks the effectiveness of business consultants.
Dilbert: But common sense would say that you're being a consultant yourself. So your opinion is logically flawed. Only people with no common sense will buy your book.
Dogbert: I prefer to call them the mass market.

Host: My guest today on 'Money Chatter' is the head of the 'Dogbert Mutual Fund'. It's reported that your fund is the highest of the decade. Tell us how you made that happen.
Dogbert: Okay. Apparently, this guy will read anything you hand him.

Pointy Haired Boss: I've hired the Dogbert 'Touchy-Feely' Institute to teach us about teamwork.
Dogbert: We'll start with an exercise about trust. I want each of you to sign blank cheques and give them to me.
Dilbert: What will this teach us about trust?
Dogbert: It will teach you that trust is an excellent quality for others to have.

Dogbert: Your biggest asset is rampant ignorance. You would never start a project if you knew how much it would really cost. Employees stay here because they don't know there are better jobs across the street. Customers buy your products because they don't know about all the bugs. I recommend wearing trash cans on your heads to avoid accidental exposure to knowledge.

Dogbert: There are two essential rules to management. One, the customer is always right; and two, they must be punished for their arrogance.

Dogbert: Work is for losers. A winner says 'That's on my list' and never commits to a deadline.

Dilbert: Do you ever feel guilty for scamming innocent people out of their money?
Dogbert: I only scam people who would do the same thing to me if they were smarter.

Dogbert: The Dogbert method of eliminating guilt is simple. All of your problems are caused by invisible people named Juan and Cindy. All you have to do is find them and kill them.

Dogbert: Welcome to Dogbert's School for the Socially Oblivious. Today I'll pair you with someone whose social defect will cancel out your own.

Dogbert: Today I'll teach you to recognize when you're boring. This is called a yawn. When you see one, stop talking about yourself.

Dogbert: My recommendations are based on an analysis of accountablity. As a consultant, I'm not accountable to your stockholders. So I can recommend anything that amuses me.

Dogbert: I like to con people. And I like to insult people. If you combine con & insult, you get consult!

Dogbert: If you give a man a fish he will eat for a day. But if you teach a man to fish he will buy an ugly hat. And if you talk about fish to a starving man then you are a consultant.

Pointy Haired Boss: In Japan employees occasionally work themselves to death. It's called Karoshi. I don't want that to happen to anybody in my department. The trick is to take a break as soon as you see a bright light and hear dead relatives beckon.

Bob the Dinosaur: It might look like I'm standing motionless, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.

Dogbert: This'll cure you immediately.
Dilbert: Really? What is it?
Dogbert: A placebo.
Dilbert: A placebo? Now that you've told me it's a placebo, it's not gonna work.
Dogbert: It will if you think it will.
Dilbert: But I already know it's a placebo!
Dogbert: Maybe it isn't.
Dilbert: You just said it was!
Dogbert: That's precisely the power of the placebo.

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