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EARLY LIFE

Douglas A. Colquhoun was born in the bathroom at Yankee Stadium on April 9th, 1990. He spent the first three years of his life in a bubble for no apparent reason. He began Preschool in the fall of 1994. It was there where he first realized he was different: none of the other children there had only one testicle. "Adjusting was hard, of course, but that all changed when i met my first, and only, true love," Doug tells us, "Her name was Clemintine, I remember the way we used to capture the jungle-gym at recess and not let anyone else in. Those were some of the greatest times in my life...We were like peas and carrots, where one of us were, the other followed. Everybody thought we would marry each other one day, she made me so happy. We were so young and the thought of love never crossed our minds, hell, we didn't even know what love was, but we didn't care. On graduation from Pre-school I remember her whispering in my ear, she said, "Don't ever leave me," I replied, "Clem, do you think our mommys are watching?" Hah. I still remember those days, not a care in the world, two pre-schoolers with our whole lives ahead of us and here in this tiny sanctuary, I was at peace." Clementine was unfortunately mauled by a pack of pigmies on a cruise to South America in 1995.

PERSONAL LIFE

In an exclusive interview, Doug poured his heart out as he revealed disturbing childhood memories. "The year was 1997 when the angry white man came to our home, his face was red, like a crimson ballon. He came with anger and struck down my mother from whom I nourished myself through her valluptous tiet. I should have seen the warning signs, but what was a 7 year old 6' 3 boy to do? I remember I cried that night, a little more than usual, the night i found out this maniac was to be my father..."
He then told us the reasoning behind his most recent actions, shoplifting at the Mobile Station Mini-Mart. "I just wanted a Twix. I had enough money to pay for it, but 'What the fuck?' I thought. I mean, I wouldn't give those dirty Arabs my money." Doug has been trying to get over his stealthy habit, but he can't seem to break free. This year alone, he has stolen a pillow from Sleepy's, a box of handwarmers from Target, fourteen 12-packs of BIC pens from Staples, a car from inside of a Mercedes Benz Dealership during the day while it was opened, and finally the Twix bar.

'HOBBIES AND INTERESTS

Douglass has many fields of interest and hobbies. In one interview he states, "I believe my ant hill is an extended metaphor for my life. It symbolizes the way I have learned to grow throughout these past couple of years. The ants working together for one common goal represents my struggle to get my family to reconnect after years of disillusion and heartache." His other hobbies include collecting Movie Premire Souvenir Cups, playing Mahjong, and collecting potato chips that look like various American Presidents. Although he takes great pride in his potato chip collection he recently decided to vault them after a tradgic incident involving a ball point pen, a half eaten Macintosh apple, and a 3 year old Jack Russel Terrior left John Quincy Adams without a head.

POLITICAL VALUES

Doug is a devout Republican and believes in the "scortched earth policy" as far as pubic hair on women goes. He is very anti-liberal and has burned many people alive for not attending anti-abortion rallies. In 2003, over seven hundred people were evacuated from the Commack Y because of his anti-semetic threats. Due to his crafty work in the courtroom, he escaped jail time, but afterwhich he commented: "I hate those fuckin' Heebs," (referring to "Hebrews"). He also dislikes blacks, Asians, Hispanics, Europeans, Africans, and Canadians to name a few.

WHAT DOES THE FUTURE HOLD?

Doug has no idea of what he wants to do later in life. He realized that his childhood dream of becomming viceroy of the KKK was probably never going to come true.