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Drawn Together
Drawn Together.png
The cast. Counter-clockwise from upper left: Wooldoor, Toot, Ling-Ling, Foxxy, Xandir, Clara, Spanky, and Captain Hero.
Format Animated series, Black comedy
Created by Dave Jeser
Matt Silverstein
Voices of Adam Carolla
Jess Harnell
Abbey McBride
Jack Plotnick
Tara Strong
Cree Summer
James Arnold Taylor
Country of origin United States
No. of seasons 3
No. of episodes 36 (List of episodes)
Production
Running time 22–23 minutes
Broadcast
Original channel Comedy Central
Original run October 27, 2004 (2004-10-27) – November 14, 2007 (2007-11-14)
External links
Official website

Drawn Together is an American animated television series, which ran on Comedy Central from October 27, 2004 to November 14, 2007. The series was created by Dave Jeser and Matt Silverstein, and uses a sitcom format with a TV reality show setting. Like that of The Surreal Life, the show's eight characters are a combination of personalities that were recognizable prior to the series. Drawn Together, however, uses cartoon parodies of stock characters. In addition, their character traits parody personality types that are typically seen in reality TV shows. The characters agreed to live in a house together in a setup similar to that of The Real World. Comedy Central advertises it as the first animated reality show, and in some episodes, characters participate in challenges that are based on reality TV challenges.

Contents

History

Comedy Central's original tagline for the show was "Find out what happens when cartoon characters stop being polite… and start making out in hot tubs," referring to Clara and Foxy's kiss in the pilot episode. The line is a parody of The Real World's tagline, "Find out what happens when people stop being polite… and start getting real." The aforementioned hot tub kiss is considered one of the show's defining images; Comedy Central based nearly all of its first-season promotional material for Drawn Together on it.[1]

A total of three seasons have been produced and completed to date. Season 3 began airing on October 5, 2006, and took a mid-season break which started on November 15, 2006. The second half of season three began airing on October 4, 2007.[2]

In March 2007, it was announced that creators Dave Jeser and Matt Silverstein had left Comedy Central and signed a two-year contract with 20th Century Fox Television to create new series and/or work on the studio's existing shows.[3]

The season three finale included multiple jokes about the show's cancellation. TVGuide listed this episode as a series finale and described the episode as follows: "The series wraps up with the housemates participating in a singing competition as they look back on their recent misadventures."

In March 2008, Tara Strong confirmed that the show had been cancelled,[4] and the back of the third season DVD's box refers to it as the "third and final season". A few main reasons for the series' cancellation include production costs, Comedy Central's impatience with the time it took to produce each episode, and people taking offense to the show's content.[5]

Since cancellation, the show has partial rotation late-nights. Uncensored on Comedy Central's Secret Stash and on Comedy Central sister channel Logo.

Style

The Drawn Together house.

The show's visual style is that of traditional ink and paint animation, which is actually a departure for Comedy Central, since they usually favor more specialized approaches to animation. The style was chosen both for the retro feel it gives the show and for the versatility it allows the animators, providing an environment in which it is possible to combine many different styles of animation. Another unique aspect of the show is that, where most cartoons present their characters, though animated, as real within the show's world, the Drawn Together characters retain their identities as cartoon characters even within their animated world, and acknowledge their status as animations. The show also features many cameo appearances by famous characters (or in some cases, copyright-avoiding clones) from all across the animated spectrum.

In keeping with the various animation styles that form for the various characters, Wooldoor and Toot have four digits on each hand, whereas Clara, Foxxy, Hero, and Xandir have five. In promotional artwork for the show, Toot and Wooldoor are drawn with the standard five fingers, but in the show itself they have four. Also, whereas most of the characters are drawn with black outlines, Clara and items belonging to her are drawn with soft edges, a reference to Disney animation techniques, which involve "cleanup" of any black outlines.

The show was made by Rough Draft Studios in Glendale, California, with much of the animation done at the studio's facilities in Korea. A gag in The Drawn Together Clip Show is that they show a list of all the korean children who died animating the show.

The movie was produced by Six Point Harness; completely done by Flash Animation.

Content

Drawn Together is an animated comedy along the lines of South Park. The show is adult-oriented and laden with black comedy, with plot lines revolving around such topics as the fact that Princess Clara's vagina is a multi-tentacled monster (a theme found in a number of hentai films). The humor is largely satirical in nature, its primary focus being the mockery of stereotypes. Some episodes have heavy emphasis on homosexuality and/or bisexuality, with some episodes (such as "Gay Bash" or "A Very Special Drawn Together Afterschool Special") solely devoted to these topics. Kinky sex is a common topic of conversation; several of the characters have extremely perverse sexual tastes, and the show makes frequent reference to masturbation, paraphilia, and BDSM. Death and violence are also constant themes. Nearly all episodes feature at least one death, and several episodes feature characters going on killing sprees or perpetrating massacres; often they are horribly maimed as well. Even the main cast die with great frequency only to return alive and uninjured, often within the time frame of a single episode (a satire of how cartoon violence never has any negative consequences). The show also breaks the fourth wall regularly.

The hot tub kiss as depicted in promotional posters.

The show's content is controversial, partially for its explicit dialogue and graphic violence, but primarily for the casual attitude the show takes toward taboo subject matter. A great deal of the show's humor revolves around making light of difficult topics such as abortion, rape, incest, pedophilia, gay marriage, spousal abuse, racism, homophobia, antisemitism, necrophilia and terrorism. The extensive use of stereotypes is another controversial aspect of the show, though the intent is actually to make fun of bigotry. As Jess Harnell states in the DVD commentary for "Hot Tub", "Most of the racism on the show is coming from people who are so obviously stupid about it; it really isn't that threatening." (Notably, one of the groups most commonly mocked is Jewish people, which includes both creators and principal cast member Tara Strong.)

Though the two shows are stylistically dissimilar, the coarseness of the humor in Drawn Together has led to frequent comparison with South Park, the show that immediately precedes it on the network. South Park was thought to be extremely profane upon its premiere seven years earlier. By 2004, the preceding cartoon had dropped its TV-MA warning bumper, and almost immediately following, a TV-MA warning was shown before episodes of Drawn Together.

Much like The Simpsons, South Park, and Family Guy, Drawn Together is heavy with popular culture references. Animation is a major source of material; as mentioned above, many characters from comics and animated cartoons make cameo appearances and often are the subjects of parody. However, numerous live action films, TV shows, and video games are referenced as well. Reality shows are another prime inspiration, not surprising given that Drawn Together is presented as a reality show that takes place in a cartoon world. However, although many of the first-season plots made extensive use of the reality show scenario, this aspect of the show has largely been de-emphasized in later episodes. The spoofing of film and television clichés is another common theme on the show; many Drawn Together stories are parodies of overused plots from TV and movies.

Although, figuratively speaking, the characters come from different kinds of cartoon worlds with radically different laws of nature and behavior (Princess Clara's fairy tale kingdom, Xandir's video game reality, Captain Hero's universe of super-heroics with set rules for hero/villain behavior, etc.), no explanation for how these worlds co-exist is given. All seem aware that they are in fact animated cartoons and that live action creatures exist.

Another hallmark of the show is its extremely loose continuity. Events in different episodes contradict each other, as there is a very loose sense of canon, with humor serving as an ends unto itself, and not as part of a consistent continuity. One such example is in "The Other Cousin", in which Toot is pictured with a penis, but whether or not she actually has one is debatable. Another is Foxxy's various and contradictory stories about her son Timmy (one involves selling him on the black market, another involves her accidentally shooting him after believing him to be rabid, when he was really just brushing his teeth). Often plotlines exist that do not make any kind of internal sense, such as Foxxy, who is in her twenties, having a teenaged grandson. According to Executive Producer Bill Freiberger, "Very little on Drawn Together can be considered canon. If you try to find continuity on this show you'll drive yourself nuts. The only thing that's consistent is we try to make the show as funny as possible. And we'd never let a little thing like continuity get in the way of that."[6]

Occasionally, episodes of Drawn Together are shown with less editing for content during Secret Stash, a Comedy Central program aired on weekends at 1 A.M. that showcases movies, comedy specials, and animated programs with uncensored language. Though Secret Stash programs typically have the nudity still censored, Drawn Together is an exception to this. Some nudity not seen in the original broadcast is shown in the Secret Stash version, while the nudity in other scenes is censored with a caption reading "DVD only"; this is done as a way of promoting the show's DVD releases.

Reception

Initial reception of the pilot episode, "Hot Tub", was given mediocre reviews which focused mostly on its crudity. USA Today deemed Drawn Together "the smutty offspring of Real World and Superfriends," stating that the pilot pushed the limits of taste, being overpowered by violence, sex, and disgusting subject matter.[7] According to The New York Times, "Hot Tub", while it had many good sight gags, did not go far enough in parodying reality television.[8] The domination of Clara's racism in the story was criticized as being a weak attempt to "send up racism while still showcasing its cruel excitement." Toot's cutting was praised as a good parody of self-harm present on reality shows, but Spanky's flatulence was considered more disgusting than humorous.

Principal cast member Tara Strong has stated that she deeply loves the show, as it was such a departure from the family-friendly productions that she was used to working on at the time; the only problems that she had with it were a few jokes related to Anne Frank.[4]

Cast

Drawn Together features a cast of voice actors, which contains a mix of veteran voice actors (Tara Strong, Cree Summer, Jess Harnell, and James Arnold Taylor) and newcomers to the field (Abbey McBride and Jack Plotnick). Comedian Adam Carolla rounds out the cast.

Members of the show's voice cast have previously collaborated with each other on numerous other projects prior to Drawn Together. Taylor (Wooldoor), Summer (Foxxy), and Strong (Clara and Toot) all performed in the Square Co./Square Enix-developed video games Final Fantasy X and Final Fantasy X-2 as Tidus/Shuyin, Lady Belgemine/Young Tidus/Lenne (speaking voice)/Calli, and Rikku, respectively. On a similar note, Taylor, Strong, and Jess Harnell all performed in the video game Kingdom Hearts II (also developed by Square Enix) as Captain Jack Sparrow/Timon, Rikku, and Doctor Finklestein/Lock, respectively, while Taylor and Strong both performed in Mark Hamill's Comic Book: The Movie and the Insomniac-developed video games Ratchet & Clank Future: Tools of Destruction and Ratchet & Clank Future: Quest for Booty.

Tara Strong and Cree Summer have also worked together on several other projects, most notably Rugrats, All Grown Up!, Danny Phantom, Codename: Kids Next Door, Hello Kitty's Furry Tale Theater, The Buzz on Maggie (which also features Jess Harnell) and Transformers Animated. According to the DVD commentary for the episode "Hot Tub", the two have known each other since childhood (both grew up in Toronto, Ontario).

Three of the show's voice actors had previously worked with creators Dave Jeser and Matt Silverstein on other projects: Jack Plotnick on Action, and Adam Carolla and Abbey McBride on The Man Show. Two of Drawn Together's guest stars also came from the casts of earlier Jeser/Silverstein projects: "The Other Cousin" guest star Sarah Silverman (from Greg the Bunny), and Carolla's Man Show co-host Jimmy Kimmel, who guest-starred in "Xandir and Tim, Sitting in a Tree" and "Alzheimer's That Ends Well".

Originally, Xandir was to have been played by Nat Faxon, but he was fired following the first table read because the network felt his portrayal of the character was too stereotypically gay. Jack Plotnick ended up being cast because he could play a gay man without resorting to stereotypical mannerisms such the gay lisp. [9]

In addition to their regular roles, the show's cast also provides many of the guest voices on the series, Summer, Strong, Harnell, and Taylor in particular. In the DVD commentary for "Hot Tub", Tara Strong jokes that this is because the show doesn't have a lot of money to pay guest stars. Chris Edgerly also appears in the majority of Season One and Two episodes despite not having a regular role on the series.

Characters

Episodes

DVD releases

Season releases

DVD name Cover art Release date Discs Episodes Special features
Season One Uncensored Dtdvdcov2.JPG October 4, 2005 2 7
  • Uncensored and extended versions of every episode
  • Commentary by Dave Jeser and Matt Silverstein (along with cast and crew) on "Hot Tub", "Clara's Dirty Little Secret", "The Other Cousin", and "The One Wherein There Is a Big Twist"
  • Deleted scenes
  • Karaoke/sing along versions of the show's songs
  • Censored/Uncensored game
Season Two Uncensored DrawnTogether S2DVD.jpg September 25, 2007 2 15
  • Uncensored and extended versions of every episode
  • Commentary by Dave Jeser and Matt Silverstein (along with cast and crew) on "Clum Babies", "Super Nanny", "Terms of Endearment", and "A Very Special Drawn Together Afterschool Special"
  • Commentary on the commentary of "Terms of Endearment"
  • Behind the scenes interviews with the cast and creators
  • Karaoke/sing along versions of the show's songs
Season Three Uncensored DrawnTogether S3DVD.jpg May 13, 2008 2 14
  • Uncensored and extended versions of every episode
  • Commentary by Dave Jeser and Matt Silverstein (along with cast and crew) on "Freaks & Greeks", "Lost in Parking Space, Part One", "Drawn Together Babies", and "Breakfast Food Killer"
  • Original network promos from all three seasons
  • Karaoke/sing along versions of the show's songs
Complete Series: Party In Your Box DrawnTogether PartyInYourBox.jpg November 17, 2009 6 36
  • All Three Season Sets
  • Get The DTs Drinking Game
  • Drawn Together: Truth or Dare?
  • Collectible Board Game
  • Sneak Peek of the Upcoming Movie
The Drawn Together Movie: The Movie! DrawnTogether TheMovie.jpg April 20, 2010[10] 1 1

To Be Announced

The first season of Drawn Together was released on DVD by Paramount Home Entertainment on October 4, 2005. Its release was timed to coincide with the premiere of Season Two on television. The set includes all seven aired first season episodes. (By the time the release was finalized, it had been determined that the unaired "Terms of Endearment" would air during Season Two, so it was left off the set and eventually released as part of the Season Two set). The profanity and nudity are intact and uncensored. Some shows also contain additional lines and scenes. Special features include audio commentary on select episodes by creators Dave Jeser and Matt Silverstein along with assorted cast and crew members, in addition to deleted scenes and karaoke/singalong versions of the show's songs.

The set also contains a game called the Censored/Uncensored game: A line is given, and the viewer must decide if the line aired on television as given (uncensored), or if it had to be altered significantly or deleted (censored). Some of the censored lines appear intact in the extended DVD version of the episode. Getting at least 11 of the 19 questions correct unlocks a hidden feature, a prank phone call by Jeser and Silverstein to their agent regarding the royalties they are to receive for the DVD audio commentaries.

The song "Time of My Life" from "Dirty Pranking No. 2" had to be left off the first season DVD because of copyright concerns. The show mocked the situation in the lyrics of the replacement music.

Season Two Uncensored was released on September 25, 2007. Like the Season One set, the set features audio commentaries by Jeser and Silverstein along with assorted cast and crew members, as well as karaoke/singalong versions of the show's songs. The set also contains, in the words of the box art, "potentially annoying" commentary on the commentary for "Terms of Endearment". The behind-the-scenes interviews in the set are the same ones that appear on Comedy Central's website, which feature each of the voice actors talking about his or her character, along with a separate interview with creators Jeser and Silverstein. Tara Strong does two separate interviews, one for each of her characters (Princess Clara and Toot Braunstein).

The set also includes the controversial horse shot from "Terms of Endearment", which was not allowed to air on television. (See "Terms of Endearment" for more information.)

Season Three Uncensored was released on May 13, 2008. According to commentary on the Season 3 DVD set, the creators of the series are in talks with Comedy Central about trying to get the funds together for a possible direct-to-DVD Drawn Together movie.

On July 22, 2009, Comedy Central announced The Drawn Together Movie: The Movie! for an April, 2010 release, however the Internet Movie Database shows a 2011 release date.[11]

Previously on Drawn Together

An aborted first season feature of the show was the "last week" segments showing possible outcomes of other episodes. This was a parody of serial dramas, which typically begin with a sensationalized recap of previous events. (In the case of Drawn Together, the events depicted did not actually occur on the show.) Four were produced but not used, and were included on the Season One DVD set.

I: In a parody of Full Metal Jacket, shown in night vision, the housemates gather around a sleeping Toot, gag her, and then beat her with bars of soap in socks because she keeps leaving empty milk cartons in the fridge.

II: After a nuclear apocalypse, the housemates repopulate the Earth with their kids, amalgams of themselves that include a Captain Hero/Clara going out with a Foxxy/Captain Hero/Wooldoor.

III: Xandir tries to have a pillow fight with Spanky and Captain Hero, who are less than pleased. So instead of fighting with their pillows, they smother him.

IV: The housemates run for their lives as they are chased by a giant Wooldoor who proceeds to eat them.

Notes and references

  1. ^ Scoobie Davis Online
  2. ^ Comedy Central (September 18, 2007). "The Animated Housemates Are Back with All-New Episodes of Drawn Together on Comedy Central". Press release. http://www.comedycentral.com/press/press_releases/2007/091807_drawntogether_new_eps.jhtml. Retrieved 2009-11-16. 
  3. ^ Breaking News - Development Update: Friday, March 23 | TheFutonCritic.com
  4. ^ a b "Big Spoon Exclusive: Tara Strong - Powerpuff Girl, mermaid, potty mouth". The Ithacan online. March 20, 2008. http://theithacan.org/blogs/bigspoon/2008/03/20/big-spoon-exclusive-tara-strong-powerpuff-girl-mermaid-potty-mouth/. Retrieved 2009-11-16. 
  5. ^ IMDb
  6. ^ Toon Zone Forum - View Single Post - Drawn Together Episode 23 - "Freaks and Greeks" (SEASON 3 PREMIERE!)
  7. ^ Oldenburg, Ann (October 26, 2004). "'Drawn': Animated raunch meets reality TV". USA Today. http://www.usatoday.com/life/television/news/2004-10-26-drawn-together-main_x.htm. Retrieved 17 December 2008. 
  8. ^ Heffernan, Virginia (October 27, 2004). "Cartoon Goal: Parody of Self-Parody". The New York Times. http://www.nytimes.com/2004/10/27/arts/television/27heff.html. Retrieved 17 December 2008. 
  9. ^ "A Very Special Drawn Together Afterschool Special" DVD commentary.
  10. ^ http://tvshowsondvd.com/news/Drawn-The-Movie/13344
  11. ^ Comedy Central (July 22, 2009). "Comedy Central Announces the Production of The Drawn Together Movie: The Movie! the First Film Based on the Cult Animated Series Drawn Together". Press release. http://www.comedycentral.com/press/press_releases/2009/072209_drawntogether_movie.jhtml. Retrieved 2009-11-16. 

External links


Quotes

Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

Drawn Together (2004-2007) is an adult animated Comedy Central television show that spoofs reality TV shows, especially The Real World and The Surreal Life.

Contents

Season 1

Hot Tub [1.1]

Toot: [walking up and calling to Xandir, who is in the jacuzzi, whilst elegantly leaning over the edge of the pool] Oh Xandir! I sure hope you don't push me in, 'cause I'm reeeealy really close to the edge! So close in fact, you could eeeeasily push me in!

[As Toot continues talking, Xandir's speech in the confessional drowns her out]

Xandir: OK, maybe it was just me, that's...that's definitely a possibility, but...eh, I don't know. All night, it kinda seemed like Toot was on a really annoying quest for attention!

[in flashbacks, Toot reveals her breasts to Xandir and Spanky at the table]

Toot: Hey Xandir, got any beads?!

[2nd flashback, Toot reveals her breasts to Xandir by the fridge]

Toot: You're standing under the misteltoe!

[3rd flashback, Toot has her head in a guillotine whilst Xandir is watching T.V]

Toot: I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD, I'LL CHOP MY FUCKING HEAD OFF!!!

[Xandir continues to ignore her, so Toot releases the blade and decapitates herself before standing up and flashing her breasts at Xandir again. Spanky is shown nearby using Toot's head as a toilet]

Toot: [back in the present scene, Toot regains her balance] Would you just put it in me already?! Even if you just need a place to pee?!
Xandir: [as he sinks deliberately deeper into the jacuzzi] I, er...am on a never-ending quest...[rest of speech is gargled by water bubbling, Toot runs inside crying].

Captain Hero: I mean sure I'd stick and stir any one of these broads, but I really wish we had one of those hot black chicks.
Foxxy: Bling bling! Foxxy's in the house!
Captain Hero: Whoa, I'm pretty good at this! I wish we had a twelve-year-old girl and a donkey!
[camera shifts from the door to Captain Hero several times; nothing happens]
Captain Hero: Damn.

Captain Hero: But if I vote you out now, I'll be one step closer to the million dollars.

Clara: Many pardons, or "my bad"... what do you people call yourselves these days? Mammy? Moolie? Topsy? Shwoogie?

Foxxy: [to Clara] You best stay outta my way, bitch, or you gon' be dead.
Spanky: Hey Foxxy, do you have any discuss for that.
Clara: Hey, where's Ling-Ling?

[Ling-Ling is walking in the house and wants to make sure he's safe and nobody can see him. By finding a quiet place, he jumps onto his leg and his demeanor changes. He is no longer a battle monster that "doesn't do much". He puts on his fedora and becomes Agent L. A remote control opens a hidden door in the siding. Ling-Ling steps in and rides the tube down to his secret lair. Cut to his lair, Ling-Ling jumps and sits on a chair as a highest battle monster agent in the Agency]


Foxxy: Now, what was that bitch thinkin'? Foxxy ain't a slave to nobody... nobody but the rhythm!

[Lyrics to Some Black Chick's Tongue]
Clara: What is this thing in my mouth?
It's slippery and its slimy,
Travelling down my slender virgin pink esophagus.
Some black chick's tongue,
It's such a new sensation.
Foxxy: I got a mayonnaise momma on my licking hole and we've only just begun.
Clara: It's really quite thrilling.
Foxxy: That's right now, you know.
Clara: I think I taste a filling.
Foxxy: And it's solid gold.
Clara: Never dreamed I'd be so willing to let myself go.
Foxxy: Tell me about it, I'm totally frenchin' a racist ho!
Clara: This black chick's tongue. What a wonderful feeling.
Foxxy: Damn, where'd this bitch get her earrings?
Clara: I've never had so much fun.
Clara & Foxxy: As with this black chick's tongue.
Captain Hero: How cool is this? We've only been here a day and I already find myself in a three way... This IS NICE!

Xandir: [repeated throughout the episode] I'm on a never-ending quest to save my girlfriend!

Spanky: [laughing] Oh my God! She thinks you're our servant, 'cause you're black! Ha ha, this is the best day of my miserable life, SWEEET! I love racism!

Toot: So, how was your night, Princess?
Clara: Oh, it was magical.
Toot: You think what happened last night was magical? Maybe it would be magical if you were violated by a magician that turns every animal into human. But Foxxy is not a magician, now, is she?

Clara: Help! Someone! She's attacking me like I'm the English language.
Foxxy: [in an English accent] Oh, it is on!

Toot: Sometimes I cut myself to relieve the pain. He he he toot!

Spanky: I call dibs on the cat-fight.
[Spanky starts urinating on Foxxy and Clara]
Spanky: Why must I ruin everything beautiful?

Wooldoor: [sniffs a bottle of booze] Smells like Mommy's kisses!

Captain Hero: Hey, pig! Great news! Foxxy just bought us an insane amount of alcohol!
[pause]
Captain Hero: Are you defecating into a cantaloupe?
Spanky: [farts and craps] Uh... this is awkward. I guess if I waited an hour, I coulda blamed it on the booze.

Captain Hero: Dude, you are so whipped. How many lives have you spent on this "girlfriend," anyway?
Xandir: 8,293,506 - not counting Quad-Forces and power-ups.

Clara: [on phone with the producers] I was totally violated! I want Foxxy Love gone!
[Garbled phone speech]
Clara: I don't know if a tequila brunch would help. I guess it's worth a try.
[Last night's events are sped up with everybody wearing sombreros]
Clara: That was horrible idea! I was totally violated... again! I want Foxxy Love gone!

Foxxy: I never met anybody who didn't wanna kiss Foxxy!...Well, except maybe Papa.

Spanky: Nothin' reminds me of my first time like a chick cryin'!

Captain Hero: [in the confessional] I tell ya, ever since that kid set foot in the house, all he's said is, "I'm on a never-ending quest to save my girlfriend!"
Xandir: [in various flashbacks] Where are the paper towels? / Oh, no! I think my watch is broken. / Ha ha! Grapes are fun! (repeated in Xandir & Tim, Sitting in a tree.
Captain Hero: Dicks.

Clara: Why should I apologize? It's not like I made her black.

Toot: If I can't be the sex symbol, then I can definitely be the BITCH!

Ling Ling: I use your skull for sex, and a decorative bird house.

Wooldoor: What a cute dog! Want a bone, fella?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling no dog! Ling-Ling here to destroy all, and to give children seizures!

Ling Ling: Say "Ling Ling" three times to accept challenge!

Ling Ling: [to Toot, before killing her] That'll do, pig. That'll do.

Ling Ling: Say my name, bitch!

Xandir: Could the studly hero be right? Was she only just controlling me?

Xandir: I'm on a...
Toot [interrupting]: Never ending quest to save your girlfriend, we know.

Spanky:[In the Confessional] To be honest, I was totally looking forward to voting that hot, black chick out. Oh, wait a minute, not... not voting, I mean "eating"

Clara: Foxxy, I want to apologize.
Foxxy: Oh, you can apologize... by shuttin' the fuck up!

Wooldoor: [after the fart bubble he's in pops] I'm free! Ha ha! I'm free! I'm free! I'm free! I'm free! Wait, my immune system! I'm not strong enough to live outside the bubble! [starts to crumble and screams]

Clara's Dirty Little Secret [1.2]

Captain Hero: Toot made us all realize that we may not have a lot of time left. So, I decided to write down my innermost thoughts in a journal. Here's an excerpt: "I don't know how much longer I can last. Papa says that when I get out, I can have a new dress. When will I have my first dance, my first kiss?"
Spanky: What are you doing?
Captain Hero: These are my dreams! Mine!

Ling-Ling: I'm not your maid, clean your own dirty dishes.

Ling-Ling: [can't stand dirty dishes] Ho morages kaba sekarawa... Po kora we theko!

Toot: What happens in fairy tales after the princess has her first kiss? Hmm?
Clara: She runs away with a sexy one-eyed pirate who loves as fiercely as he lives.
Toot: Not that fairy tale, food-for-brains! The other one!
Clara: Let's see. They live happily ever after in a castle with a couple of... kids! Oh my God, I'm pregnant!
Ling-Ling: [in Japanese gibberish] Oh my God, the sink's full of dirty dishes again.

Prince Charming: [after firing off a gun] I just wanted to see if this thing worked, before I blew my charming brains out!

Spanky: I, for one, am not just going to wait around to be swallowed by a giant vagina! [thinks for a minute] Huh? Oh... wait, no, no, no.

Ling-Ling: Know what you can do? DO YOUR OWN DISHES, ASSHOLE!!
Captain Hero: Ling-Ling's right! We must kill the beast.
Captain Hero, Toot, & Xandir: KILL THE BEAST!
Spanky: Misinterpret Ling-Ling!

Toot: Damn it! Clara's pissing me off like fat-free sour cream! That little whore won't shut up about that stupid kiss! Who cares, right?

Spanky Ham: NOT ON THE NEW RUG!!!!!!!!!

Captain Hero: Ahoho, we fell for the old 'neck-sprain well-lit pie diversion.
Xandir: Brava, Foxxy. Brava.

Clara: You guys can't tell anybody about my secret, and I'm afraid I'll need you to keep your silence with a pinky swear.
Foxxy: I pinky swear.
[they look at Toot]
Toot: Ugh! Fine, I swear too.
Octopussoir: I pinky swear.
Captain Hero: [knocks on door] Clara, Toot told us that you have a monster for a vagina and we want to have a house-meeting about it.
Clara: How is that even possible? [stares at Toot]
Toot: Oopsey-Tootsey. I couldn't help myself.

Captain Hero: Now, I normally don't listen to women, or my doctor, but Clara's story gave me a special feeling deep down in my lumpy, lumpy testicle.

Clara: They all hate me, Foxxy. It's like I've turned into some kind of freak.
Foxxy: Oh, come on, now. These things usually have a way of working themselves out, just like the time everyone found out you had a monster vagina between your legs.
Spanky: Clara, this isn't easy to say, especially to a friend, but we've come to kill your vagina.

Wooldoor: This vagina could use a woman's touch.

Foxxy: When you was a little girl, your evil stepfather placed a curse on your vagina?
Clara: What?! Weren't you paying attention? My evil stepmother... Mother! ...placed a curse on me!
Toot: (to Foxxy) Uh-DUUUUUUUHHHHHH!!!

Prince Charming: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!! This was not part of the deal! Look at my PENIS! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY GODDAMN PENIS?! I cannot live like this! This is not charming!

Wooldoor: Threepio? Threepio!

Spanky: It's like my grandfather always said: It's not what's on the outside of a vagina that counts, it's what's on the inside.

Ling-Ling: It creaning dishes!

Foxxy: Pee Pee rhymes with tee pee, which is what you use to wipe yo ass.

Gay Bash [1.3]

Captain Hero: [in the confessional discussing the reward the housemates have just received] I thought the sewing machine was pretty lame, but someone was happy about it. [short pause] You know I'm talkin about the queer, right?
Xandir: [back in the living room] I'm so happy we finally got a sewing machine. I've been so looking forward to finishing my tea cosy! [he holds up a pink and purple tea cosy with features of a cottage] Have you ever seen anything so adorable?! [he giggles].
Captain Hero: Dude, you are sooo gay!
Xandir: [standing up and sounding hurt] You know something? These jokes you make: they can be so hurtful!

[cut to the confessional, where Xandir is crying and stuttering silently with his hand in front of his face]

Xandir: Strong, Xandir. Strong, Xandir! Be-

Xandir: All my life I've had one purpose: to be on a never-ending quest to save my girlfriend. But, now that I'm gay, I have no purpose. I wish I were dead.

Ling-Ling: Thank you, Spanky-san, for giving Ling-Ling honor in hat form!

Foxxy: Homosexuality isn't something you can just wish away, it's something you born with, like red hair or a dead twin.

[Xandir has locked himself in the bathroom having found out that he is gay, whilst Foxxy, Clara and Spanky try to coax him out].

Foxxy: [knocking on door] Xandir, please come on out. It's totally cool that you gay, stop beatin yourself up!
Clara: Seriously Xandir, it's not your place to punish yourself, it's God's!
Xandir: [in the bathroom] Leave me alone! I'm taking another gay test!
Foxxy: What? The only test in there is a pregnancy test!
Xandir: Oh, great, now I've got two problems.

Foxxy: Man, this is some bullshit! We gonna needs to knock some sense into this child! And I know just the thing: gay bash!

[they burst into the bathroom, before the scene cuts to the housemates standing outside with a surprised Xandir. A banner above the house reads 'XANDIR'S GAY BASH']

Housemates: Surprise! It's a gay bash! [a wide shot of the garden reveals the 'gay bash' to be a party full of gay people, pink and purple phallic balloons, a rainbow flag and dance music playing].
Foxxy: Xandir, look around you. Everything the light touches is gay. [shots of gay people in the garden are shown as a choir of deep male voices sing 'HOMO' in the background in the manner of The Lion King and a light from the sky shines on Xandir].
Foxxy: [in the confessional] You see, all Xandir needed was to be surrounded by his queer peers! [cut back to party] Now, c'mon! [she moves Xandir towards a group of gay men, two of whom are Snagglepuss and Elmer Fudd from Looney Tunes: they are dressed in skimpy T-shirts and shorts and have their faces blurred to avoid copyright restrictions and possibly to censor their status as being homosexual icons].
Snagglepuss: [speaking to Xandir] Heavens to Mergatroide, you're fabulicious even!
Elmer Fudd: Wow, what a wear end!

Clara: The one person who knew where the lamp was was sworn never to reveal it's sacred location. But luckily, I knew his one weakness. [holds up a steaming tray of muffins]
[Clara beats Wooldoor up with the muffin tray]
Clara: Tell us where the lamp is, you lousy, lying, piece of shit!
Wooldoor: Lamp? [gets hit with muffin tray twice] I don't know what you're talking about.
Clara: Listen, bitch, tell us where the lamp is and maybe we talk to the D.A. about extenuating circumstances!
Wooldor: Guys, Guys, seriously! I have no idea where the lamp is!
Xandir: Fuck this shit! I'm gonna off this glue sniffing cocksucker right fuckin' now!

Producer: [over speaker] Houseguests, please report to the living room.
Wooldoor: [in the confessional as housemates enter the living room] Since we'd gone 5 days without a hate crime, we were rewarded with a new household item! I sure hope it's a new stereo, ours is getting old.

[cut back to living room, a pterodactyl is being used to make a turntable play the 'Drawn Together' theme tune in the manner of The Flinstones]

Pterodactyl: [squawking] It's a living.
Producer: [over speaker] Roommates, we have decided to reward you with...
Captain Hero: Come on, television...
Producer: [over speaker] ...a brand-new, 36-inch, plasma...
Captain Hero: Boo-ya!
Producer: Sewing machine!
Captain Hero: [annoyed] Boo-ya.

Elmer Fudd: Shhh, be vewwy, vewwy quiet. I'm gonna welease your thwobbing membuh from its weather pwison.

[The housemates are in the living room, having received a sewing machine as a prize. Xandir has been hurt by the housemates jokes about his sexuality].

Foxxy: C'mon Xandir, we all know you're gay. You don't have to keep living a lie. You know, I used to say I weren't black. I just tell everybody I fell into a vat of chocolate pudding.
Wooldoor: [licking Foxxy's foot] You mean this isn't pudding?
Foxxy: Did I tell you to stop licking?! [Wooldoor continues licking her foot] But Xandir, I finally admitted the truth. And so should you.
Xandir: Helllooo! I'm on a never-ending quest to save my girlfriend! What more prove do you need?!
Wooldoor: How about this?! [he reaches inside and down his throat as a baseball, chicken leg and toy penguin are launched out of his mouth before pulling out an 'ACME Gay Test'].
Xandir: [looking at the test box] ACME Gay Test? [he pauses] Let's do it!

[Xandir, Foxxy and Wooldoor are in a bedroom performing the Gay Test. Wooldoor is measuring Xandir's pulse by placing his hand on Xandir's buttocks and moving a pen across a piece of paper. Foxxy is asking Xandir questions from the test].

Foxxy: OK, question 1: you gay?
Xandir: No!
Foxxy: Question 2: homo say what?
Xandir: First of all Foxxy, I'm not an idiot! [he shakes his hand and gasps frustrated] OK, I've heard that one like a million times! And secondly!...wait, what?

[Xandir has completed his gay test and he, Foxxy, Toot, Wooldoor and Clara are gathered around for the results]

Foxxy: [typing into a GAY TEST remote control and speaking to Xandir] Well, according to this gang, you real gay.
Toot: Of course Xandir's gay, why else wouldn't he be attracted to all this?
Wooldoor: 'Cause you're fat! And nobody likes fat chicks! Wheee!
Captain Hero: [offscreen] Dude, I like fat chicks.

[cut to bedroom where Hero is having sex with a fat woman]

Fat Chick: [squawking] It's a living.
Xandir: [taking the 'ACME Gay Test' from Foxxy] Let me see that box. [he sees a sticker on the front with the words 'FOR AGES 6-12' printed on it] Hey, this gay test is for ages 6-12: it doesn't even apply to me!

Clara: [in the confessional] Xandir continued protesting that he was in fact straight, so I turned to the Bible and was reminded of the one true test of a man's sexuality: the Mysterious and Deadly Woodbeast.

[cut to a dark room where all of the housemates except Ling-Ling, dressed in monks robes except Xandir, are standing around a crater-like rock with large holes whilst chanting 'Woodbeast' repeatedly]

Clara: Deep inside this stump of tree lives the all-knowing Woodbeast. Choose a hole and stick your hand in. Should the beast bite you, then it is true: you are indeed homosexual!

[As lightning strikes, Xandir shivers and nervously places his hand slowly inside a hole. When no sound is made, Xandir smiles triumphantly at the housemates before removing his hand to reveal that it has been bitten off by the Woodbeast, with the hole spurting blood and bone]

Xandir: Aaahhh, my arm! AAAHHH, I'M GAY! [dramatic music plays].

Xandir: Dare I say it? I am Xandir and I am on a never-ending quest to save my boyfriend!

Xandir: Good-bye, cruel world! [dies and comes back] Good-bye, cruel world! [dies and comes back] Good-bye, cruel world... this could take a while.

Lord Slash'n'Stab: Hahaha! I will steal this lamp for no particular reason! Hahaha!

Toot: [to Xandir] Damnit Xandir, the noise! You're keeping us all awake! Can't you kill yourself more quietly... like Bizarro Captain Hero did?
[a body hanging from a tree blows in the breeze]
Captain Hero: Uh... yeah. He killed himself. Of course. Tragic.

Pac-Man: [lisping] Oh, my. Isn't this juicy? Does your girlfriend know?
Xandir: Listen, Paccie, I know my girlfriend is best friends with your ex, but there's no reason that Ms. Pac-Man has to know I'm gay.
Pac-Man: [puts on a bow] Oh, sweetie... I think she already knows.

Bizarro Captain Hero: [at Xandir's gay bash] Oh, hello hello Captain Hero, I not seen you since initiation into League of Heroes.
Captain Hero: [grabs Bizarro Hero] Zip it! What happens in Bizarro World, stays in Bizarro World.
Bizarro Captain Hero: Well, technically, bathroom at bus station not considered Bizarro World. Huh?
[Captain Hero punches him into the distance]

Captain Hero: Oh, c'mon! If you're in a bus station, and they're selling postcards for Bizarro World, you have to assume you're in Bizarro World, right? I mean, am I crazy?

Genie: [appears as Groucho Marx] Hey-hey-hey! I'm Groucho Marx! What's the secret word? [turns into Popeye] Now I'm a wacky sailor! [turns into Mrs. Doubtfire] Now I'm a cross-dressing nanny. [turns into Patch Adams] And now I'm a wacky doctor who kills cancer with laughter and a big red nose! [changes back to normal] Jumanji! Nanu nanu!
Clara: Wow! You're a comic genie-us! [laughs]
Genie: Tell 'em the rules, man with mustache! Contestants get one wish and one wish only!
Xandir: Oh! OK. [inhales deeply] I wish... not to be gay.
Genie: Well then, step right up and... Whatchoo talkin' about, Xandir?
Xandir: My wish is to no longer be gay so I can have my old life back.
Genie: That is, without a doubt, the single most offensive wish ANYONE has ever made... next to that stupid Make-a-Wish kid. I mean, c'mon, trip to the circus, really!
Xandir: W-what? B-b-b-but...
Genie: Oh, sorry, sweetheart, you can shove that wish up your gay-hating mangina! [disappears]

Foxxy: Tell me the first thing you see.
[Foxxy pulls out a Rorschach ink image of a rooster]
Xandir: Cock.
[Foxxy pulls out a Rorschach ink image of Willie Nelson]
Xandir: Willie.
[Foxxy pulls out a Rorschach ink image of an Asian man]
Xandir: Wang.
[Foxxy pulls out a Rorschach ink image of Woody Woodpecker]
Xandir: Woody.
[Foxxy pulls out the same image a second time]
Xandir: Wood.
[Foxxy pulls out the same image a third time]
Xandir: Pecker.
[Foxxy pulls a Rorschach ink image of a medieval catapult with ink lines]
Xandir: Blue-veined custard chucker.
[Foxxy pulls out a Rorschach ink image of a Welshman with an eye patch doing a jig]
Xandir: One-eyed wiggling Welshman.
[Foxxy pulls out a Rorschach ink image of a banana wearing a helmet and aiming a gun at a donkey's anus]
Xandir: Pink-helmeted, milk-shooting man-banana plunging into the hole of an ass!

Spanky: [in attic with Ling-Ling] We're gonna make imitation name-brand sneakers, ones that everyone will likey! But our sneakers will be bigger, and cooler, and more sneakery! Can you do it little buddy?!

[Ling-Ling quickly sews material into a blue sneaker, which Spanky inspects]

Spanky: Ah, so! [he pats Ling-Ling's head like a dog] That's a good Oriental! We're gonna do great things, just like Fat Man and Little Boy!
Ling-Ling: [shaking Spanky's hand] Ah, hai!
Spanky: Yeah, now make 100 more: in big ones! Fame for the midget girl-feet you Asiatics get off on! [Ling-Ling quickly starts sewing more shoes].

[Lord Slashstab is lowering Xandir's girlfriend into a pit of megacobras]
Xandir's Girlfriend: Xandir, thank God you called! EVIL LORD SLASHSTAB HAS LOWERED ME INTO A PIT OF MEGACOBRAS!
Xandir: Listen. Before we talk about your problems, there's something I have to...
Xandir's Girlfriend: THESE SNAKES ARE GONNA EAT ME ALIVE!
Xandir: Shh. Sweetheart, lemme get this out: I... I'm gay.
Xandir's Girlfriend: AAAH! THE VENOM! IT BURNS! What? You're gay?
Xandir: Mais oui. [chuckles nervously] But don't worry, I'm still on a never-ending quest to save you.
Xandir's Girlfriend: The hell you are! I don't wanna be saved by no limp-wristed, fart-catching, rump-ranging fairy boy, so you should just fly your flesh rocket to chocolate-land, for all I care! Goodbye, Xandir P. Wifflebottom!
Xandir: Wait! Don't hang up!

Spanky: What you need is some good old-fashioned positive reinforcement. You can do it. [starts whipping Ling-Ling] You're special because you're you! There's two I's in Ling-Ling!

[doorbell rings, Spanky answers it]
Asian Kid: Mister, sir, I work at a real sweatshop in the Vietnam. Your cheap sneakers make us lose low-paid jobs. We starving in street.
Spanky: So, whatchu gonna do about it, Chinese?
Asian Kid: Please, honorable pig demon, you take gruel from my mouth and mouth of forty-seven brothers and one sister.
Spanky: Oh, yeah? [makes a face resembling Asian buck-teeth] Well, me no carey! [slams the door]

Foxxy: Call her. Your girlfriend deserves to know you love mangina.
Xandir: Foxxy was right. She did deserve to know. And I do love mangina.

Xandir: Foxxy, don't you understand? That big-mouthed tranny is gonna tell my girlfriend I'm out!
Foxxy: You and Pac-Man, huh? Well you won't be the first fruit he ate!

Foxxy: Go Foxxy! It's your birthday! No for real real, just for play play!

Clara: So Xandir finally found a new purpose and a new love, and like all fairy tale endings, I'm sure he'll live happily ever after... until God casts him into the fiery pits of Hell, of course. But until then, he'll be happy.
God: That Clara is such an asshole. I love the gays! Come on, they're adorable! And calling hair gel product? That's just fancy, that's what that is! [a penis appears out of nowhere] What the...? Hello. You're a funny fella. [sniffs the penis] What's your name? [pokes the penis]

Wooldoor: [talking to Captain Hero] Gee Mr. Hero, we can always sew a television.
Spanky: That has to be the dumbest thing I've heard since I taught those special ed classes. But...seriously, those kids try hard.

[Ling-Ling quickly uses the sewing machine, to the housemates amazement, to sew material into a brand-new working television. He turns on the television to show a screencap of Drawn Together with Spanky on the couch.

Producer: [on television] Coming up on Drawn Together! [Spanky's eyes roll to become 'Yen' symbols before Ling-Ling turns off the T.V].
Spanky: Damn! That Asian thing sure can sew! [His eyes roll to become 'Yen' symbols, like on the T.V. He then walks up to Ling-Ling and presents a business card to him, which Ling-Ling accepts]. Let me introduce myself: I'm Spanky Ham, and you are?
Ling-Ling: [speaking in Engrish, annoyed] My name Ling-Ling dammit! Me live here long time.
Spanky: Well, Mr. Asian Gibberish, I've got a business proposition for you. [he walks off with Ling-Ling].

Genie: Look, buddy, there's lots of gay reasons to live. I myself enjoy the ballet, crepes and snerd-nurgling for dollars.
Clara: Wait. You mean, you're a gay too?
Genie: Uh-DUHHHH!

Toot: OK, who left their Golden Ring of Qwelldar in the fucking crapper?!
Xandir: Guilty! [giggles] Sorry.
Toot: [sexily] Oh, this is yours? [she places the ring between her cleavage her and shakes her hips] Then come and get it, big boy!

[Xandir silently gasps as a close-up is shown of Toot's veined, warty cleavage with a foghorn sound-effect playing in the background. He nervously reaches into her cleavage and gasps in disgust before pulling out the ring. Xandir's body glows with a beaming sound effect and a caption is shown above his head '100 coins' before the ring disappears]

Xandir: [happily] Fabbo! That makes 100! [he giggles] Ooh, now I can jump with a spin! [he repeatedly jumps and spins in the air to a beeping sound effect whilst laughing gleefully. When he stops Toot, Hero and Ling-Ling all laugh at him].
Xandir: [in silent tears in the confessional] Ohh, I thought it was cute.

End Credits Bonus Feature: The Ling Ling Battle Song

Requiem for a Reality Show [1.4]

Clara: My friends! They're all dead! DEAD! BECAUSE OF YOU!
Wooldoor: What? I am so sorry!
Clara: I thought you were my friend!
Wooldoor: I am your friend!
Clara: YOU'RE A MURDERER!!
Wooldoor: [hugging Clara] I know! I know! Are you as turned on as I am?
Clara: WHAT?! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY?!?
Wooldoor: I'm sorry. It's that when I'm terrified I say the craziest things.
[pause]
Wooldoor: Can I borrow five bucks?
Clara: Just go, Wooldoor! In my room, my purse is in the top drawer. In it, there should be like five or ten dollars!
[Wooldoor leaves, sobbing.]

Clara: [singing] Bullies are people who hate themselves.
Abused at age six, or molested at twelve.
So they pick on others, isn't it odd?
Because their real quarrel is with God.
Who's afraid of a bully?
Wooldoor: Me.
Clara: Not me.
Clara: [singing] For there are much better things to be frightened of.
Like people of color and gay homo love.
So stand up to the bullies, stand tall and true!
Just like Jesus stood up to those misguided Jews.
Wooldoor: Wow, you're right!
Clara: Now who's afraid of a bully?
Wooldoor: Not me. No, not me.
Clara: When you stand up to that bully --
Wooldoor: He'll flee!
Clara: Oh yes, he'll flee like the pathetic, insecure, cowardly loser he be.

[after Wooldoor stands up to Spanky while singing Clara's song]
Spanky: [singing] He's not the only one who can sing from his heart
I have the feelings inside that... Oh, fuck this shit! [walks off]

[after Foxxy makes Captain Hero do a nude dance in chains for food]
Foxxy: All right, enough! I'm done with yo ass. [throws a towel at him] Go clean yo'self up you disgust me!

Foxxy: The considerable alternative is anorexia. All the benefits of bulimia with none of the mess.
Toot: Does it really work?
Xandir: Of course it works! All you have to do is make sure to look in the mirror every day and see yourself as ugly and obese no matter how much weight you lose.
Ling-Ling: Then everyone's happy.

Foxxy: Bulimia is very destructive. To our personal property, bitch!

Xandir: Toot, we all know you're bulimic. We don't know how you got started down this horrible road.
Toot: But you're the one who showed me how to do it...
Xandir: All that matters now is that we get you to stop.

Xandir: Poor Toot was feeling fat and sad. It was up to me to help her feel better about her disgusting, revolting, and hideous body.

Spanky: Just get her royal heiny to sing again. I'll trap the critters. And we'll eat like dingoes in a maternity ward!
Wooldoor: But those critters are Clara's friends!
Spanky: I'm not askin' ya, Wooldouche, I'm tellin' ya.

Toot: I was so happy. With an endless supply of food, I could finally fill the loveless void inside me. Hee hee hee, Toot!

Clara: For the food competition, we were split into two teams. The winners would eat like kings, but the losers would get no food at all, and surely starve like Mexicans.

Ling-Ling: Ling Ling wake up inside land whale. Nothing to do. Only sex with chicken.

Foxxy: We'll always have Paris. That's what we called it when I smashed his penis with a lead model of the Eiffel Tower.

Foxxy: C'mon, Blockhead, Foxxy gonna show you some good grief!

Captain Hero: I've never bowed to any villain, or any Asian person, even though it's the polite thing to do. And I won't bow to Foxxy!

Foxxy: It seems that every week my team gets the easiest challenge. It also seems that every week I blow the producers.

Spanky: When I don't eat, I don't crap! And when I don't crap, I don't eat!

Spanky: Just do it, or you'll be lying at my feet in a pool of your own blood! And my urine! Which also has blood, but it's MY BLOOD!

Spanky: Hand over the chipmunk and nobody gets hurt. Except of course the chipmunk, which gets gutted, eaten, and eventually passed.

Captain Hero: I never check myself. Not for you, not for ticks, and not for melanoma!

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling see things!!! HORRIBLE THINGS!!!

Captain Hero: Our team had to invent a low-carb cure for polio before the other team could put an egg in a bucket.

Toot: We have to fight for our food now?! These competitions are bull-Toot!

Toot: Hello, I'm Toot Brownstein. You know me as Toot Braunstein from the popular reality show, Drawn Together. This episode, we poorly dealt with eating disorders.

The Other Cousin [1.5]

Wooldoor: [gathered with housemates in front of house] Who's it gonna be, who's it gonna be?! WHEEEEEEE! [cut to Wooldoor in confessional] The producers decided to surprise one of us with a visit from a family member! I hope it's someone from my family, [holding up photos] like Flagfred Cheesewheel, Lingsume Brickshade or PromQueen DumpsterBaby.
Ling-Ling: [cut to confessional] Ling-Ling so want visit from father. He great warrior/dry cleaner. He coined classic phrase... "No ticky, no washy."
Clara: [sees Bleh come out of the bus] Oh, fuck me...

Captain Hero: I know I should have been more mad with Spanky, but I just won 50 bucks!

Captain Hero: Bleh, you are the wind beneath my wings.
Bleh: "Contrived, manipulative, and shamelessly sentimental" raves Peter Travers from Rolling Stone.

Captain Hero: We come from two different worlds. I come from the planet Zebulan and you came from a mom who drank when she was pregnant.

Toot: [to Wooldoor] You'll have to stay here until all that Ling-Ling is out of your system. It'll be the hardest thing you'll ever do. TOODLES!

Xandir: Hey, Ling-Ling, I have a penny. No, I don't. [licks dry fur]

Clara: What's a Bleh? Is that one of your jive words like "emancipation?"

Xandir: [to Ling-Ling] I'm so sorry your father didn't show. We still love you. DON'T WE, TOOT?
Toot: [annoyed] Fine.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling so want visit from father. He great warrior/dry cleaner. He coined classic phrase... "No ticky, no washy."

Captain Hero: Damn! Clara's cousin is so hot!
[Captain Hero's nipples harden]
Spanky: Yeah, she's, like, retarded hot!
[Spanky's nipples harden, followed by four additional ones]

[Captain Hero notices there is a dart in his neck]
Captain Hero: What the...
[cut to Clara holding a blowpipe]
Clara: Just a little added protection. You get the antidote when I get my Bleh back.

Xandir: It just didn't make sense. When we licked Ling-Ling last time we got all fucked up, but this time nothing happened. Well, we got a little aroused... but not fucked up!

Spanky: Want to spin a bottle and kiss whoever it lands on?
Captain Hero: Not right now. I'm depressed.
[pause]
Spanky: How about now?
Captain Hero: Yeah, all right.

[Captain Hero, Spanky, and Wooldoor are playing spin the bottle and when Captain Hero spins it lands on Wooldoor]
Wooldoor: WHEEEEEEEEEEE!
Captain Hero: Hey! If you're going to be gay about this, you cant play!
Wooldoor: Sorry.

[Xandir and Toot kiss Ling-Ling again, nothing happens]
Xandir: Why isn't this working?!
Toot: Maybe we have to eat Ling-Ling.
Xandir: Why is it that when something doesn't work your first reaction is to eat it?
[flashback to Toot eating the TV]
Xandir: Toot! What are you doing?!?!?!
Toot: I couldn't find the remote...

[poking Ling-Ling with a stick]
Xandir: Look at me! I've become the very thing I hated most!
Toot: A guy who pokes things with sticks?

[Xandir is holding Ling-Ling]
Xandir: Hey, Ling-Ling, are you excited about Christmas?
[Ling-Ling perks up]
Xandir: Too bad there's no such thing as Santa Claus! I bet you're disappointed!
[Ling-Ling becomes disappointed, and Xandir licks the secretion off, passing him to Toot]
Toot: Hey, look what I found in your ear! Is it a quarter?
[Ling-Ling perks up]
Toot: Oh, no! It's a TUMOR!
[Ling-Ling becomes disappointed, Toot licks him, and passes him to Wooldoor]
Wooldoor: Heya, Ling-Ling, you uh... excited for Christmas?
[Ling-Ling perks up and nods]
Wooldoor: Oh, no, it's a TUMOR!
[Wooldoor licks Ling-Ling]

Jun-Jee: [in confession room; looks around, subtitled] What this room for?

Captain Hero, Spanky, Wooldoor: Triple kiss!

Captain Hero: Yes, I was confident that by the end of the night I'd have another notch on my utility belt and fifty bucks in my pocket, but then, I realized something. Bleh, she was really special, but not in a retarded way. In a traditionally special way.

Spanky: Well, nice work, Captain Hero. Here's the fifty dollars I bet you to have sex with Bleh.
[Clara gasps]
Spanky: Oh, I mean here's the fifty... dollars Captain Hero won off me because I bet him he would not have sex with your special cousin, Bleh, but he did, in fact, have sex with her... for fifty dollars. Whew. Saved it.

Xandir: We knew what we did to Ling-Ling was wrong. Hopefully, this will make it up to that lovable, fortune cookie, cat-thing.

Jun-Jee: Ling-Ling, you bring shame to Ling family. Father is so disappointed in you, Ling-Ling. So very, very disappointed.
[Xandir, Toot, and two Wooldoors tackle Jun-Jee and lick him]

Jun-Jee: This is where you've been... on lame reality TV show? With other losers?

Clara: Foxxy was right. Damn that miss know-it-all! I should've killed her when I had the chance.

[Flashback to Foxxy dangling over molten lava.]

Foxxy: Give me your hand!
Clara: First, give me the ring!

End Credits Bonus Feature: The scene where Clara pretends Bleh is a lamp.

Terms of Endearment [1.6]

Captain Hero: I'm sorry, Foxxy. I don't speak Blackanese.

Princess Clara: You're in a wheelchair. Society no longer values you.

[Spanky challenges an unconscious Foxxy to a game of Win, Lose or Draw.]

Spanky: [showing a drawing of the promotional poster for Jaws] You know this one! It's a movie! It's about a hideous, remorseless beast!
Toot: Time's up!
Spanky: It's Yentl! YENTL! YOU SUCK! [crumples the drawing into a ball and throws it at Foxxy's head, waking her up]

[Wooldoor, dressed as a doctor scans Foxxy until he finds a problem.]
Wooldoor: Oh, my.
Xandir: What is it, doc?
Wooldoor: My dear house mates, I'm afraid Foxxy Love does not have a brain tumor.
[The other house mates breathe a sigh of relief.]
Wooldoor: I too would be relieved, if it didn't happen to be ... OPPOSITE DAY!!!
[dramatic music string]
[extended version]:
Clara: Wait a minute, I'm confused. Does Foxxy have a brain tumor?
Wooldoor: No.
[dramatic music string]
Toot: What the hell?! Is it opposite day, or dramatic music string day?!
Wooldoor: Neither!
[dramatic music string]

Wooldoor: The brain!

[The other house mates get out notepads.]

Wooldoor: This is the part of the brain that controls your reflexes.

[He touches the brain & the patient's leg lifts up.]

Wooldoor: This is the part of the brain that controls your bladder.

[He touches the brain again & blood squirts up from the patient.]

Wooldoor: Man, that guy needs to see a doctor.
Spanky Ham: What?... Is red pee bad?
Toot: What does this have to do with Foxxy?
Wooldoor: I'm getting to that! This is the part of the brain that controls negative stereotype behavior.

[He touches the brain & the patient lifts up.]

Male Patient: Oy! I'll sue you for every penny! And then I'll invest it wisely!
Wooldoor: The tumor that Captain Hero gave Foxxy was in this area of the brain.

Wooldoor: You ask me if I have a God complex? I am God.

Foxxy: (being chased by officers from the erasement camp) Wait! I's free! Ain't you never done heard of the Emancipossum Locomotion?

Foxxy: Oh! The ghosteses! They's after me! Feetz don't fail me now!
[She runs into the wall.]
Xandir: What the fuck was that?

Captain Hero: Oh, my God. Oh, my God! NOOOOOOOOO!

Captain Hero: I gave up my powers! NOOOOOOOOO!

Clara: It's locked.
Captain Hero: NOOOOOOOOO!

Captain Hero: Follow me!
[He sees a set of stairs.]
Captain Hero: NOOOOOOOOO!
[He sees another set of stairs.]
Captain Hero: NOOOOOOOOO!
[He sees yet another set of stairs.]
Captain Hero: NOOOOOOOOO!

Mickey Mouse: Aw, you sure gave me something to think about, Spanky... WHILE I KILL THESE POLITICALLY INCORRECT FREAKS! Ha ha ha ha ha!

[Foxxy falls into the eraser pit.]
Captain Hero: NOOOOOOOOO!

Mickey Mouse: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Captain Hero: NOOOOOOOOO!

[After Hero manipulates evolution and creates people made entirely of boobs.]
Captain Hero: I just realized... I'm an ass man. NOOOOOOOOO!

Malcolm Exposition: Ooh! Now, you be Foxxy Love. Ain't that right?
Foxxy: Yes sir. Why'd they throw us in this here truck?
Malcolm Exposition: They be roundin' up all us politically incorrect cartoons. (lights a cigar) Oh, back in the day, we wuz all over the radio, the T-B, and the movies, entertainin' the chid'ren. Folks is just as racist now, you know, but they don't wantz to admit it, so we's been censored. We ain't been seen in a toons age!
Foxxy: So where's they fixin' to take us?
Malcolm Exposition: Well, Brer Foxxy, they be takin' us to a cartoon erasement camp, where they gonna erase us forever!

Toot: Ugh! "Tumor?" "Racism?" Dr. Wooldoor, are you just making up words again, like "morbid obesity" or "adult-onset diabetes?"
Xandir: Yeah. This all sounds like total crap.
Foxxy: Craps? Who done say craps? Foxxy loooves to roll them bones!

Clara: You know, at first I was uncomfortable with the idea of showering with another woman, but then the producers forced me.

Clara: How dare you look at us naked with your X-ray vision!
Rhino: Seriously, how dare you! I'm leaving (by which I mean the planet)! Unless things change, people. Unless things change.

End Credits Bonus Feature: Foxxy dances around to banjo music and farts occasionally. There is an explosion at the end.

Dirty Pranking Number 2 [1.7]

Captain Hero: Oh, Xandir, trick me like that again and I'll fucking kill you.

Pizza Man: May this life bring you the happiness it has so constantly denied me.

Clara's Father: I'm doing this for your own good. You need to stay away from a.) this house...
Clara: Well then, I guess this is goodbye. [the doorbell rings] Well then, I guess that's the doorbell.
[the pizza man shows up at the door]
Clara: Well then, I guess that's the pizza man.
Clara's Father: What the hell do you want?!
Pizza Man: Someone ordered the pizza.
Spanky: That would be me. No one puts baby in the corner.

Bodyguard: Hear ye, hear ye! The King is about to barge in unexpectedly!

Clara: Please, Spanky, give me a second chance. Didn't you get one when you were given that dead teacher's liver?
Spanky: You're right. [takes a bottle of liquor] Here's to second chances! [chugs the bottle]

Wooldoor: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the Clock Tower. [cocks a sniper rifle]

Spanky: I'm sorry, I don't remember ordering this pizza... [opens the box, and a turd is in it] with sausage!

Clara: Lately, I feel like there's something missing.
Clara's Father: Did you check the colored girl's room?

[While Clara and Spanky are pulling the prank with the pizza man]
Foxxy: Oh, I've seen this a million times. Daddy's little girl falls for some bad boy, and then she go and get herself pregnant and sells the child on the black market to pay the bills. [sad voice, with tears in her eyes] Poor little Timmy. Mommy misses you.

Clara: With Foxxy's hands still stuck in her hair, she was more useless than a Mexican.

Spanky: Little game? Did you just say "little game?" The travel size edition of Battleship, that's a "little game." Screwing around with the pizza man, that's a way of life!

Toot: Blah blah blah! I'm Captain Hero and I can fly! And I...
Captain Hero: Do you mind, fudgy? I'm on the phone!
Toot: I don't care. I gotta call my AA sponsor!
Captain Hero: [in a girlish voice] I said I'm on the phone!

Foxxy: Good evening, delivery man of pizza.

Captain Hero: Go to the mall? Is that some kind of gay code? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Spanky: The Princess was so excited, I figured I give her a chance and let her call the pizza man. And that was a huge mistake. I mean, it wasn't as big mistake as when I converted to Islam in August 2001, but still pretty bad.

Clara: [ordering a pizza] Um... I would like to order one large pizza... yes... with doodie on it!
Spanky: No! [in the phone receiver] Hello? [imitating Clara's voice] Sorry about that. We'll just take the pizza... plain. Just plain. [hangs up]
Clara: I'm sorry, Spanky!
Spanky: [still in Clara's voice] Look, forget it...! Ahem... [normal voice] Just let Foxxy and me handle it from here. That way, nothing can possibly go wrong.

Xandir: Sometimes I think Captain Hero cares more about those boots than our friendship. I bet they never slew the Man Troll on Rainbow Mountain. I said "slew," right?

Clara's Father: You are a princess. Hu-DUHHHHHHHH!
Clara: I know that, father. But I long for so much more.
Clara's Father: Of course you do, because you're a princess and that's what princesses do. They long for more. Or die in a car crash in France. Now, let us never speak of this again.

Clara's Father: They took everything! My crown, my jewels, but not my innocence. No, I lost that a long time ago when I was but a naive prince who would do anything for his jousting instructor. Anything.

Toot: [drunk] I thought you loved me, Captain Morgan! [smashes the bottle against a wall] Oh no, you're bleeding! I'll save you Cap'n Morgan! [licks it off the wall]

Toot: You want to do what to pizza? The most tasty and delicious of all that is tasty and delicious? So you can shit on it? I should kill you where you stand! [punches a hole through the wall]

Clara's Father: Now, Clara, do you promise to stay away from that boyishly handsome pig?

Foxxy: Here's how it's gonna go down. I'm gonna finish my hair. Spanky, you order the pizza. And Clara, you go into the confession room and tell the camera how you never felt so aliiiiiivvvve.
[Clara is now in the confession room]
Clara: My first naughty prank. I've never felt so aliiiiiivvvve.

Xandir: And where have you been? I walked that entire mall all by myself.
Captain Hero: Oh. Was that today?
Xandir: Yes, that was today!
Captain Hero: Sorry. I had to restore peace to the Middle East. Again. Oy, those Muslims are kooky, man! I mean, have you read that Koran? It's mostly knock-knock jokes.
Xandir: You used to care about me... about us.
Captain Hero: What?
Xandir: You used to say I was pretty.
Captain Hero: No, I didn't.
Xandir: You used to dress up for me.
Captain Hero: Only that one time!
Xandir: Oh, forget it! I hope you enjoy the couch!
Captain Hero: But Xandir...
Xandir: I said COUCH!

Clara: What happened to me? Messing with the minimum-wage pizza man, going to jail, shivving my cellmate... these are things a princess should never do, and that's why I liked it so much.

Captain Hero: I figured, what the hell. Make the gay kid happy. Besides, I know a certain pony-less superhero who had a few choice words for Mr. Claus.

Clara's Father: Clara, what are you doing?
Clara: I am laughing, Father. Laughing!
Clara's Father: My goodness, you are! I've never seen you so happy.
Clara: Because I've never been so happy.
Clara's Father: Oh Clara, that is all I've ever wanted for you. Who knew it was dooting on pizza that would make you so happy?

Robot Alien Fly: We have finally destroyed all the humans... but we have also learned from them!
[cut to an alien house]
Robot Alien Fly: I did not order a blaxicon with... seethle blark! [shows a pizza man-like robot alien fly what looks like soiled pizza; the "pizza man" leaves] Ha-ha-ha! You suck!

[Lyrics to This Is Our Version]
If so, it's supposed to be
Just like the song in Dirty Dancing
The one where they talk about having the greatest time
While they set the dirty dance floor on fire
So, this is our version, though
The chords are not quite the same
And the melody is different
It's even kinda lame
But hell, it's the best that we could do
We had to make something fit
So given the scene, it's fitting
If it sounds like...
[the song stops abruptly when Clara starts to defecate on the pizza; the last word is apparently "shit"]

Pizza Man: [after Spanky shows him a pizza box with a turd in it] What in the name of Vishnu...? AAIEEE!

End Credits Bonus Feature: Clara and her father make out during the credits.

The One Wherein There Is A Big Twist [1.8]

Foxxy: But if we don't fight, or drink, or fuck, or suck, or jerk, or three-way fuck, or necro-fuck-philia, then the Producers won't have no show to show.

[the girls have just finished watching the Jesus movie they made]
Foxxy: That was great! So now what? We go door to door and give out free copies?
Clara: Free? Are you nuts? We can sell these at ten bucks a pop and rake in the cash as a new wave of anti-Semitism sweeps the country... Wait, was that not the challenge?

Foxxy: Now Foxxy Love did not want a riot to break out. Even though she sho' could use a new TV set!

Toot: Before coming on this reality show, how many times have you guys really been in a Mexican standoff?
Clara: Oh, what a cute name for it!
Wooldoor: Twice!

Bucky Bucks: I am Bucky Bucks, eccentric billionaire. The producers have sent me here to announce a competition, the winner of which will help me run my billion dollar empire.
Clara: Bucky Bucks?
Foxxy: Billion dollar empire?
Spanky: Parody of The Apprentice?

Foxxy: Now, I didn't like the Jell-O wrestling idea, but the producers gave me a golden opportunity, and just like that necklace some fool left on Clara's dresser, I'm gonna take it.

Toot: Ugh! You were just gonna leave that there? Bitch, pick it up!
Captain Hero: Fuck you, fatty foopah!
Toot: Pick it up or I'm sending you back to hell! [pulls a gun at Captain Hero]
Clara: All right, Toot, drop your weapon! [pulls a gun at Toot]
Xandir: No, you drop it! [pulls a gun on Clara]
Spanky: Nobody holds a gun to my girl, but me! [also pulls a gun on Clara]
Wooldoor: All right!! Let's fucking do this!!! [has a lot of mulitiple arms with guns, knife, etc. pointed at everyone but himself] I'm not afraid to DIE!!!!! [sprouts yet another arm with a gun pointed at himself]

Toot: Let's blow this goddamn house to bits!!

Xandir: We went to a children's hospital and had them put their faith in the Lord instead of those silly pills and potions.
Bucky Bucks: Very nice. How about you guys?
Clara: We made 617 million dollars.
Bucky Bucks: [to Xandir and the rest of his team] Wow, you guys got your asses whipped!

Bucky Bucks: Xandir, I can't help but think this is all your fault.
Xandir: What?! But I'm a Certified Air Traffic Controller with Ten Years of experience!
Spanky: I heard Gay Traffic Controller, with Gay Years of experience! [high-fives Captain Hero]
Bucky Bucks: Spanky brings up a good point.

Toot: Like the unfortunate head of a boy with a pituitary gland disorder, my army was slowly growing!

Captain Hero: The Pillsbury Doughbroad is right! [pokes Toot in the stomach]
Toot: Hoo-hoo!

Captain Hero: Oh my god! We're trapped? I'm like totally freaking out! I wish the Green Lantern was here! He always knows how to relax me. [rubs his nipple suggestively]

Xandir: We're all gonna die!
Captain Hero: I guess it really is gay over! [high-fives Spanky]
Spanky: Yeah!

Toot: Cut me, Ling-Ling, cut me.
[Ling-Ling takes a razor to Toot's leg]
Toot: Ahh...

Foxxy: Now, we're not blowin' up anything. Some of the greatest leaders in history like Gandhi, Doctor King, and Rocky IV to a lesser extent, achieved the possible through non-violent means.

Foxxy: That's right, Producers! We figured out your little game. Mama didn't raise no fool! And Papa didn't raise me at all!

Foxxy: Toot, I know nobody has ever said this to you before, but you was right.
Toot: Uh, DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Toot: Nobody throws me face-first into Jell-O but ME!

Xandir: [repeated line] What is going on?

Season 2


The One Wherein There Is A Big Twist, Part II


Clippy: [to Wooldoor] Hey! Writing a suicide note? I can help!
Wooldoor: Please go away.
Clippy: Here's a tip: Avoid clichés like "Goodbye, cruel world!" and remember to blame your parents!

Producer: [over P.A.] Mazel tov, housemates! Welcome to Season 2!

[Scorpion appears]
Xandir: You're from Mortal Kombat? I'm from a video game too! So tell me, what's your special move?
Scorpion: [performs his Spear move on Xandir] GET OVER HERE! [performs a Head Rip Fatality]
Announcer: Fatality!
Xandir: [comes back] Impressive! My special move is the reach-around!
Scorpion: Oy vey.

Strawberry Sweetcake: Wooldoor, I bwought you a pwesent.
Wooldoor: But you already bought me those super-nice PJs!
Strawberry Sweetcake: And now I bwought you a fwiendship eawwing. You wear it all the time.
Wooldoor: Whoa! That's the nicest thing anyone—
Strawberry Sweetcake: I SAID AT ALL TIMES!!!
Wooldoor: Wheeeee!

Strawberry Sweetcake: Foxxy Wuv?! What are you doing here?
Foxxy: You think you the first barely legal chick to tie me up and eat my friend right in front of me?

Strawberry Sweetcake: [steals Xandir's sword] A-ha! Now hand over that hook-nosed Sockbat or I'll fucking kill you all!

[after the helicopter has crashed]
Spanky: [to Captain Hero] Well, this, like Xandir in a room full of fat China men, blows chunks.
Spanky and Captain Hero: Nice!

Spanky: How old are you, Strawberry Sweetcake? 8?
Strawberry Sweetcake: More like 18, silly-willy! I just taste 8.
Spanky: She's so legal!

Strawberry Sweetcake: You can't spell Slaughter without laughter!

[Lyrics to Shit Sandwich]
Clara: You dreamed of A-list parties.
Xandir: A talk show on late night.
Spanky: But those dreams burned up...
Captain Hero: Like a concert with Great White...
Ling-Ling: And you're like a club owner without insurance.
Foxxy: It's a huge shit sandwich.
Wooldoor: And you have to take a bite.
Clara: It's a huge...
Xandir: Shit...
Spanky: Sandwich...
Captain Hero: And you have to take a...
Foxxy: Big ol' steamin' bite...
Wooldoor: Of the shit sandwich.

Foxxy: Wilma, tell us about you, girl.
Wilma: I'm the kind of person who uses an armadillo for an iron, a pterodactyl for a record player and a prehistoric worm for a tampon.
Worm: It's a living.

Islander: Wow. I have not seen that much fish-eating since Lilith Fair come to island. [cut to another native making a rim shot]

Islander #1: We are completely out of virgins!
Islander #2: Then we must sacrifice something else! Like our sluts!
Islander #1: Absolutely not! I gave that beast my daughter! I will not give it my wife! [to his wife] That's right, honey. I know. I've always known.
Islander #1's Wife: What do you expect? You don't touch me anymore.

Toot: I don't want my new friends to think I'm ungrateful, but when people promise to keep Toot well-fed, they goddamn better keep Toot well-fed!

Xandir: Looks like you'll be spending a choco-lotta time behind candy bars!

Slight pause

Clara:(quietly to Xandir) Goddamnit, I hate you.

[Lyrics to "Sunshine"]]
Sunshine and a good time wonderful day
When we're together, it's a happy time, everything's fine, 'cause we're having a laugh. When We're together we're free to be in ecstasy, 'cause we're having such a good time.

Foxxy vs. The Board Of Education


[first lines]
Spanky: Hey Xandir, do you know what job you'd be perfect for?
Xandir: Basket weaver?
Spanky: No, Director of Homo-land security (Spanky laughs and Capt Hero walks in). Hey Cap, guess what I told Xandir?
Capt. Hero: That he should be Director of Homo-land security.
Spanky: How'd you know?!
Capt. Hero: You told me like five times now, plus I've always said he's the right man for the job.
[Cut to Hero in confessional]
Capt. Hero: If you fatcats up in Washington had the guts to appoint someone who thinks outside the box!
Announcer: Paid for by the committee to elect homos.

Foxxy: Foxxy Love is went to college!

Spanky: Die or gay marry a Homo, I didn't know what to do, but I tell you what... You decide America!

Foxxy: I tried to study up for them SATs, but it became abundtanly clear that this was just another conspiracy to keep the black man down... like swimming.

Clara: Oh you don't need sun block if you got your clan hood on, everyone knows that Foxxy.(Clara turns around and we see sunburn around her eyes,denoting she was wearing a KKK hood)

Ling Ling: Talk to honorable hand, honorable face ain't ristening. (english subtitles)

Clara: What is this unholy abomination?
Wooldoor: Hi Clara, you're just in time to witness a fake gay marriage for the health insurance.
Clara: What? If gays get married, the insitution of marriage will be destroyed! Societies will crumble! Rivers will run with blood! Nazis will once again ride on dinosaurs!
Spanky: I'll take care of this. Hey Clara, there's a Jew outside trying to poison a well!
Clara: Aaaaaagh! Oh my God! (runs to well) Get away from that well Hebrew!
Jewish Man: What? I'm putting in water purification tablets.

Clara: This is Princess Clara calling for the King of Insurance, yes, I would like to report a fake gay marriage.
Jewish Man: And I'd like to report a great set of tits.

Clara: Come on, Spanky is not gay. If he's so gay let's see him do the hat dance.
Spanky: You're thinking of the Mexicans, the gays have the butt sex.
Clara: Well then, let's see you do that.
King of Insurance: Oh yes, please do!
Spanky: God dammit, I should have done the hat dance.

Spanky: Marriage isn't about having sex, ask any married person!

Board of Education:(singing)
I am the Board of Education
I serve the interest of our nation
But keeping kids learning
Isn't much of an earning
So something had to be done

Little Orphan Hero


Captain Hero: I needed to phone home, and that's exactly what I would do as soon as I was done playing with my new sex robot. Oh yeah, baby.
Robot: N-O means N-O! Why doesn't he just remove the chip that makes me feel pain?

Captain Hero: Thank you unborn baby whale. You were as helpful as you were delicious.

Princess Clara: The producers told us that we must start a business of our choosing. I wanted to have a bake sale, but the stereotypes had other ideas.
Xandir: Let's open an hair salon!
Foxxy: Oooh, we could shine shoes!
Ling Ling: I say full-release massage parlor that serves wok-fried puppies!
Toot: LET'S EAT POTATO SALAD!!!
Princess Clara: Finally we all agreed.
Housemates: A suicide hotline!

Foxxy: Goddamn white producers with they goddamn white flashes! They can edit us to make us say whatever they want. My (flash) taint (flash) is (flash) made (flash) out (flash) of (flash) bacon. STOP IT!!! Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah. My taint, 100% pure bacon.

Captain Hero's Mother: Captain Leslie Hero! You thought this would prove you're not a lame superhero?!
Captain Hero: Mom, don't call me Leslie in front of Two-Hands!
Captain Hero's Mother: The doctor was right! You are SO lame!
Captain Hero: I'm not lame!
Captain Hero's Mother: Yes! Yes you are! [rips his posters off the wall]
Captain Hero: Please, Mom! Please don't do that! Don't be mean to me!
Captain Hero's Mother: I'm not being mean to you. You're just too lame to say it!
Captain Hero: You don't know what I can do, what I'm gonna do and you don't know! You don't know who I'm gonna be! You don't know how good I am! I have good things and you don't know it! Like I'm gonna be somebody, and don't tell me I'm not! [runs off crying]

Foxxy: Chil', what is up with Captain Hero? Lately, he's been an emotional wreck. [we see Captain Hero in various emotional moments] Maybe he ran outta his superpower potion, if you know what I mean.

Toot: We order Zebulonese take-out all the time. You love the deep-fried Zebulon eggs. [eats an egg]
Captain Hero: I never put the two together.

Foxxy: Those goddamn cunt shit dumbass piss fuck meatball dick cock motherfuckers!

Clara: A suicide hotline! This is going to be so much fun!
Foxxy: No it ain't! Remember how you got bored with them pitbulls you adopted, and then I had to find them a new home with them Muppet Babies?
[we see some pitbulls attack the Muppet Babies, with one of them raping Baby Scooter]
Foxxy: And I do not wantz to be responsible for no stupid-ass suicide hotline.
Toot: Aw, come on, Foxxy, this time it'll be different. We'll stick with it. [everybody cheers]
Voice: [off-screen] I lit a homeless girl on fire.
Foxxy: What the...? That's horrible. Who said that?
[the housemates look at each other]
Voice: [off-screen] Fire's happy now.

End Credits Bonus Feature: The housemates go "Yip yip yip" around the telephone.

Captain Hero's Marriage Pact


Unusually Flexible Girl: I missed you more than a retard misses the point.
Captain Hero: What do you mean?

All talking at a rapid pace
Foxxy Phat: He ain't lookin' at you Love.
Foxxy Dark: He wasn't lookin' at yo fat ass.
Foxxy Yella: What did you call me?
Lil' Foxxy: Step off!
Foxxy Love: Bring it!
Foxxy Phat: Girrrrrl!
Foxxy Dark: Drop it like it's hot!
Foxxy Yella: Can I get a witness!?
Lil' Foxxy: Holla!
Foxxy Phat: Hey hey hey!

Foxxy Love: [to other Foxxy's] Hold up! Foxxy's, ain't y'all tired of people thinkin' we has-beens. Now I know thangs were said, feelings was hurt, kidneys were shed, boyfriends was anal licked, braids were cut and fetus' were abducted but if we put aside our differences and work together, we can make it back to the top!(We then see all the Foxxy Five in orgies in various places,with Lil' Foxxy jumping up to kiss the others)

Captain Hero: I just wanted her because I couldn't have her, and now that I have her I don't want her. It's just like that time I was all excited to catch herpes.

UFG: After the wedding, we can move in with my mother Unusually Jewish Woman and you can go into my father's business!
[Captain Hero breaks wind]

Wooldoor: Now everybody's happy!
[Cuts to Ling Ling outside with a party set up]
Ling Ling: This worst birthday party ever.

[Foxxy finds that she has accidentally run over the rest of the Foxxy 5 after a night of drinking]

Foxxy Dark: Foxxy...
Foxxy Yella: Why you do dis to us Foxxy?
Li'l Foxxy: Why yo run us over?
Foxxy Phat: Hey hey hey.
Foxxy: [picking up the phone] I need to call an ambulance! Oh girls, I am so sorry. I never should have been drinking and driving. Tat is the last time I mix liquor and beer and cough syrup and Kool-Aid and Grape Kool-Aid and Lemon Pledge!

[cut to Foxxy in the confessional] And this time I mean it!


Spanky: You made it!
Foxxy Love: (after seeing herself on the television) Oh my god, I'm on the picture square!

Captain Hero: Tell that crazy girl I am not marrying her!
Wooldoor: I'm not comfortable doing that.
Capt. Hero: Would you be more comfortable if I broke your arm in 3 places then wrapped it in $100 bills?
Wooldoor: Are you threatening me... or bribing me?
Capt. Hero: What an insulting accusation! Take that back before I rip out your spleen & drive you to the hospital in your BRAND NEW CAR!

Captain Hero: Don't make me kick your ass!
Wooldoor: Don't make me suck your dick!
Captain Hero: Don't make me cuddle you like a baby!
Wooldoor: Don't make me suck your dick!

Clara: Have you noticed that we haven't been getting any screen time this week?
Toot: Well a Duh! That's because we've been in the basement all week making this awesome potato gun!
[Clara places a potato inside the gun and ignites the fuse]
Clara: Are you sure this is safe?
Toot: Oh yeah, sure.
[Toot fires the gun and is blown away by the explosion created by the gun.]
Toot: Damn it!

Wooldoor: You know, now that I think about it, I don't want her. Guess I'm just like you. That means I can fly! Wheee! (Jumps through a window)

Foxxy: I couldn't believe everybody thought I was yesterday's news. Sure, the Foxxy 5 ain't had a hit in 20 years, but our message is still fresh: Have lotsa unprotected sex and defeat the Soviet Union.

Captain Hero: Oh why, oh why, did I break it off with Unusually Flexible Girl? This was the biggest mistake of my life. [cut to confessional] Even bigger than that unfortunate incident with that trick-or-treating kid. Why would you dress like Aquaman when you can't breathe underwater?

Clum Babies


Ni-Pul: I have a crazy thought. Now, bear with me: What if instead of battle, we just fuck?
Ling-Ling So you're suggesting we drop metaphor and Ling Ling stick his crispy noodle in your duck sauce?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling battle like champ last night. But toughest battle always next morning.
Hoochie: Last night's battle was amazing. What are you thinking about?
Ling-Ling: Look babe, if you want, Ling-Ling call you cab.
Hoochie: [crying] I thought you were different!
Ling-Ling: Hate the game baby, not the playa.
Hoochie: Scoo You!

Bob The Cucumber: ENOUGH FUCKING TALK!!! IN THE NAME OF GOD, PUT THE FUCKING CLUM BABY DOWN!!!

Larry The Tomato: But the bible says--
Spanky Ham: Yeah, the bible says lots of things. But not very clearly.

Veggie Fables: [singing] God is watching everything you do
Bob the Cucumber: [singing] When you get undressed or take a shower
Larry the Tomato: [singing] When you touch yourself for hour after hour
Veggie Fables: God is watching everything you do
And He thinks you're a nasty, naughty nympho slut!
You sinful filthy whore you're going to hell!
Your flesh will burn, your bones will churn
Your soul will be torn asunder
You wretched heathen heretic, burn in hell
Larry the Tomato: For eternity!
Bob the Cucumber: So you better remember!
Veggie Fables: God is watching everything you do!
Wooldoor: I'll never masturbate again! I don't wanna go to hell! I quit! (ends up crying just like he did in "Hot Tub", in which Spanky and Ling-Ling both chase after him)

Clara [seeing Wooldoor humping the toaster]: WOOLDOOR SOCKBAT!!!! WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD'S GREAT WHITE EARTH ARE YOU DOING??!
Wooldoor: Can't... stop... humping!!

Larry the Tomato: I'm sorry for thinking impure thoughts. [whips himself]
Bob the Cucumber: I'm sorry for being so phallic. [whips himself]
Clara: I'm sorry for buying child slaves from Third World countries. [whips herself]
Chinese Boy: Free! [drops his featherduster]
Clara: [to the Chinese boy] I said I'm sorry, not stop dusting!
Wooldoor: I'm sorry I masturbated! [whips himself] And I'm sorry I helped people! [whips himself again] And I'm sorry I spied on Clara going potty every morning!
Clara: What? That's disgusting!
Wooldoor: You're one to talk, Princess Smell-Your-Wipes. [Clara whips him]

Foxxy: I decided to take it upon myself to show Wooldoor how to get it on with his bad self, and all you horny college kids, now would be a real good time to hit them lights, grab some lotion and pull out a big ol' box of tissues. First, Foxxy sets the mood. [turns on a boom box] Now, before I gets my engine runnin', I pops the hood. [takes off her underwear and throws it at the camera] And then, Foxxy starts goin' to town! Oh! You wanna party too, do ya? Sure thang, baby. There's enough room down here for everybody.
Wooldoor: Enough... room... for... everybody.
Foxxy: Oh yeah, and sometimes a little exotic food play spices thangs up. [whips out a raw chicken drumstick and cooks it with her crotch, then eats it] Ooh yeah, that's fingerfuckin' good! Keep it goin'. And sometimes the Foxxy lose herself in a little role-playin' fantasy. [masturbates with a jackhammer] Oh yeah! Frank, that's the spot! And then, Foxxy brings it all home by usin' a little bit of force! [calls a lightsaber to her hand] Oh! Oh jeez! That's it, Daddy! Almost there! You got me! Here, Daddy! Almost there! Here I come! Lalalalalalalalalalala! [her orgasm becomes a fiery explosion; she lights a cigarette with the lightsaber] And that is how the Foxxy masturbates.

Clara: Isn't masturbation considered a sickening and indefensible sin against God?
Foxxy: Princess, please! Masturbation is fun and natural. Not to mention it's a great way to earn five bucks without touchin' a guy.
Clara: You have an answer for everything, don't you?
Foxxy: Yup. 'Cept for math.

Foxxy: Wooldoor went to his room to figure hisself out. As it turned out, Sockbat masturbation was a lot more complicated than I expected.

End Credits Bonus Feature: Bob The Cucumber's killing spree played backwards.

Notes

  • Wooldoor says "I'll never masturbate again. I don't wanna go to Hell, I quit" has the same lines, such as in "Hot Tub" (see below) and "Clum Babies".

Ghostesses in the Slot Machine


Foxxy: Goddamnit Princess, if there wasn't a good chance that I was pregnant and that fall didn't help me out of a real jam I would kick your ass.

Foxxy and Clara: GODDAMNIT!

Foxxy: You racist motherfucker!

Foxxy: And just then, Foxxy remembered something her momma told her when she was only 14 years old.
[cut to the outline of a suburban home]
Foxxy's Mother: You dress like a stripper, get the hell out my house! [boots Foxxy out the door]

Captain Colonicus: Captain Hero, you in direct violation of code 24601 gambling on your own battles.
Captain Hero: WHAT, since when has that been illegal?
Captain Colonicus: For as long as stealing, sexual assault and murder have been.
Captain Hero: Those are illegal too? I really am a terrible super hero!

The King: Who is that sexy servant girl?
Clara: You mean Foxxy?
The King: She sure is...that's one civil rights protester I can't wait to turn my hose on...

Spanky: Captain Hero, do you think you can beat The Mad Felcher?
Captain Hero: Are you kidding me? That guy sucks ass!

Captain Hero: The evil Koala Bear Rapist. That guy's a total dick! And I won't even tell you what he does to koala bears!

Super Nanny


Super Nanny: All right, Captain Hero. You're going to sit on this naughty stool until I tell you to get off.
Captain Hero: You don't actually expect me to--
Super Nanny: I SAID NAUGHTY STOOL!!!

Captain Hero: At last we meet Super Nanny! So whatcha got? A little X-ray Vision, heat vision or, like our president, no vision at all?
Cuts to him in the confessional.
That's Super Satire.

Various clips of Captain Hero being naughty in hilarious ways, then cuts to Captain Hero in the confessional.
Captain Hero: Something HAD to be done, I had to find a way to defeat her AND her Naughty Stool..... but how..... but..... HOW......
long pause
You know if you keep the camera ROLLING it's not nearly as DRAMATIC........
long pause again
Nyeeeeeeeeh.... Jerkoff assholes.

Toot walks in room eating chicken
Captain Hero: Hey, is that MY barette?
Toot: No, it is NOT!
Captain Hero: Lemme see! LEMME SEE!
Super Nanny walks in
Super Nanny: What's going on in here?
Toot: Oh nothing, Captain SHEro is just trying to take MY BARETTE!
Captain Hero: It's pronounced Captain HEro, the 'S' is silent, you hit-head.
Super Nanny: Captain Hero, ENOUGH! TO THE NAUGHTY STOOL WITH YOU!
Captain Hero: B-but... But I-I-I...
Super Nanny: I SAID NAUGHTY STOOL!
Captain Hero: Awwwwwww......
Cuts to Captain Hero in confessional.
Super Nanny had always been so fair, but now she was being Super-Not-Fair, why would she....
Peek Show sign begins to slide down screen until the whole screen is covered.
Wait, OH NO, NO! I-I'm out of quarters, I've got more to say!
Nyeeeeeeeeh.... Jerkoff assholes.

Captain Hero in confessional
Everyone thinks I'm a liar! Weeell I'm a lot of things, I'm an astronaut, I'm a basketball player...... I'm the President of the Universe with a 14 inch cock, but I'm not a liar.

Foxxy: Oh Lord, here go Captain Tardo again. Every time he hears about somethin' else bein' super, he goes a little bit nuts, like when he first heard of a supermarket...
Captain Hero: You're not so super now! [fires laser beams at the supermarket, destroying it as people flee]
Foxxy: ...and Super Glue...
Captain Hero: [head glued to a construction site]] Damn you, Super Glue!
Foxxy: ...and, of course, that incident with the soup or salad.
Captain Hero: Show yourself, Super Salad!
Waiter: Sir, I was just asking you if you want soup or salad. I'm giving you a choice between... [Captain Hero snaps the waiter's neck, killing him]

Captain Girl


Captain Hero Once a month in the most beautiful and natural process possible, blood comes flowing out of a woman's butthole!

Wooldoor Sockbat (trying to decipher the Mad Libber's note) I don't get it Spanky, how do you "horribly penis" someone?
Spanky Ham Ok, but I'm only going to show you this one more time. *unzips his swimming trunks*
Wooldoor Sockbat Wait! I've got an idea. Maybe if we filled in the blanks with words other than "penis," the Mad Libber's note would make more sense!
Spanky Ham That's crazy, Wooldoor. Just crazy enough to penis.

Wooldoor is crying
Spanky Ham If you don't stop your crying, two things are going to happen: I'm going to have an orgasm, and then I'm gonna fall asleep. Is that what you want?

Wooldoor is doing a striptease for Captain Hero
Captain Hero You know, when Captain Girl danced for me, SHE at least had the decency to tuck her balls between her legs!

Captain Hero finished the Mad Libber's note
Captain Hero: Well, that seems to be it. "I, the evil Mad Libber, viciously penised Captain Girl for getting too penis to my ingenious penis."
Everyone laughs, but Hero's crying
Captain Hero: Oh, Captain Girl.

Toot: She just needs some discipline. Baby, you're grounded!
Toot's baby gives her the finger
Toot: HEY! Watch the language, you filthy whore! Don't make me wash my mouth out with ham!

A Tale of Two Cows


Foxxy: Wooldoor, have you been going into the live-action forest again?
Wooldoor: I, um, well, um, brought the manure home because I thought they'd make nice slippers.
[He steps in the manure as if they were shoes.]
Captain Hero: It's an honest mistake.
[We see him doing the same thing.]

Captain Hero: I always dreamed of meeting a woman with 6 penises.

Foxxy: Wooldoor, is this your Live-Action Cow?
Live-Action Cow: Moo.
Wooldoor: It followed me home.

Captain Hero: I can't outrun a squirrel! But it won't matter as long as I can outrun you! (kicks Clara)
Clara: Oh fuck!
Captain Hero: Save yourselves! Aaaah! (Runs off)

Wooldoor: I put some peanut butter on my balls. [gets out 2 tennis balls smeared with peanut butter.] That way you'll have more tendency to chase after them... When I put them up my ass!

Xandir and Tim, Sitting in a Tree


Spanky Ham: No wonder you hate the show! You're everything we make fun of! You're a Jewish, conservative, pro-life, born-again, overweight, Asian, homophobic, lesbian broad who cuts herself!
EW Reviewer: So?
Spanky Ham: Soooo, maybe someone who doesn't happen to be a Jewish, conservative, pro-life, born-again, overweight, Indian, homophobic, lesbian broad who cuts herself might not be offended by the show!
EW Reviewer: I have every right to tell people what I think about your show!
Spanky Ham: YESSSS! BUT PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT OUR AUDIENCE, ASSHOLE!

Xandir: Oh Tim! *Jumps into Captain Hero/Tim's arms* Last night was so special! I mean, I've had a lot of gay sex in my life, uhm, a lot of gay se- I mean a lot, a lot a lot a lot of gay se- I've had LOO-LOOOTS of gay sex, HUGE huuge amounts of *tries to find word* LOOTS! *flashes to confessional* "Right, Craig?"

Spanky: Put the gun down.
Pluto: [holding Goofy hostage] He's the only fucking dog who's good enough to wear fucking pants? Well, I wanna wear the fucking pants for once! [shoots Goofy with the gun and then puts the gun in his mouth and shoots himself]

Camera follows Billy's dotted line from Family circus, surveying a rampage through the house
Spanky: Billy, Mommy says God will decide who should pay for the sins of the world.
Billy: [standing next to a tub with his dead mother in it] Mommy will live inside of me forever! [tears out his mothers heart and swallows it whole, and then takes out a gun and shoots himself in the head]

Xandir: Oh Tim, you're such a stitch. You're so much more fun than Captain Hero.
"Tim": [impersonating Captain Hero] Oh! Look at me! I'm a big, dumb superhero who's big and dumb! Now I'm fondling a girl. Oopsie! She's dead! [Xandir and "Tim" laugh; "Tim" falls into the lake]
Xandir: You did not just do that! ["Tim" throws him into the lake; they kiss and the camera pans away from them] It unsnaps in the front.

[after one of Spanky's farts]
Toot: Goddamnit Spanky! It's farts like that that made EW gave us a fucking F!
[a fart sound comes from her]
Toot: [giggling, blushing] Oopsie!... What? That was a queef! And I only laughed 'cause it tickled! [starts scratching her crotch]

Foxxy: Ever since we got that F, thangs seem to just fall apart. Now, some would say we's a bit oversensitive to the honest criticism of a professional TV reviewer, but in our defense: FUCK YOU EW! [gives the finger]

The Lemon-AIDS Walk


Megazord: Prepare to be transformed into a bunch of losers!

Popeye: Get your skinny ass out there and earn bitch!
Captain Hero: Popeye, are you alright?
Popeye: It's time ya knew. I've contracted the deadly AIDs virus from sharing steroid needles... (Shows his hand covered in syringes)
Captain Hero: AIDs? How come I've never heard of this AIDs? They should have a walk or something to raise awareness.
Popeye: (coughs and wheezes) Get clean for me Cap'n. (coughs) (sings) Oh I'm weak at the finish 'cus AIDs beats out Spinach, I'm Popeye the dyin' man. (toots) Of AIDs!
Captain hero: I did it Popeye, I did it for you!(Popeye's face appears in the sky) Who the hell is that asshole!?

Producer: Congratulations, original cast of Drawn Together. For winning the badminton game, you'll receive a pound of ground beef and a quarter cup of water.
Helping Hand: Boo-ya! That's all I need. [high-fives the Megazord]

Spanky: I feel so guilty.
Clara: Me too. Poor Wooldoor.
Spanky: Not about that, I watered down one of the lemonade jugs with my piss. If only I knew which one.

A Very Special Drawn Together Afterschool Special


Xandir: Mommy, daddy, I'm gay.
Captain Hero: Well son, I know I speak for the both of us when I say...
Captain Hero & Toot: Uh, DUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Toot: I don't want my son to go to hell... or wherever the gays and Jews end up.

Wooldoor: well, that went well. now, if you'll excuse me, i have a nooner. (To a random kid.) So, you want to be an alter boy.
Kid: No I don't. You took me from the playground.
Wooldoor: God took you from the playground. Weeeeeeee!

Alzheimer's That Ends Well

Clara: I just adore it! It's so much slimmer now. Wait! What's that?
Wooldoor: That's just a freckle.
Clara: Sweet Jesus! Get rid of it! NOW!
Wooldoor: Relax, Clara. Lots of pussies have freckles, like Ron Howard!
Clara: FIX IT! FIX IT!! FIX IT!!!

Foxxy: Oh my God, Clara's vagina is killin' those old bastards!

Vajoana: Who are you wearing? Who are you wearing?

Clara: Oh my goodness! My whites-only drinking fountain is just beautiful!
Wooldoor: Sorry fellas, we can't show you Clara's pink sink. Don't blame us, blame the FCC, which stands for faggoty cock-blocking clamfuckers! Wheeeeeeeee!

[Clara is walking by the pool, depressed]
Clara: Ever since my evil stepmother turned my vagina into a monster, I felt like people were disgusted by me and my Octopussoir.
[the entire kingdom sees baby Clara and Octopussoir comes out]
Random Man: Oh my God! [everyone barfs]
Clara: I had to give up my dream of being Miss Toddler Beauty Queen after they added the thong competition.
Octopussoir: Hi Mom!
[Clara tries to hide Octopussoir, but all the toddlers barf]
Clara: Even the time I visited the circus was a total disaster.
Ringmaster: Step right up and see the amazing Never Vomits Guy!
Octopussoir: I gotta see this. [the Never Vomits Guy and the ringmaster barf]
Never Vomits Guy: Gosh darn.
[Clara is walking on a beach]
Clara: Why, oh why, can't I have a normal temple of chastity? [Ling-Ling sits right over by the wall, writing these words on his belly with a pencil]

Clara: You fix my crotch stigmata right now, or I'll sue.
Wooldoor: Go ahead. I'll just counter-sue.
Clara: Well, then I'll hire the smartest Jew in Jewtown!
Wooldoor: Well, then I'll hire the smartest Jew in the Jew-SA!
Clara: Well, then I'll hire the smartest Jew in the Jew-niverse!
Wooldoor: [gasps] You'd really hire Abe Goldblatt from Space Shuttle 34?

Octopussoir: Two pieces of advice, Princess. One: You won't wanna change your body, if you learn to love it. And two: When you wipe, it's front to back.
Narrator: An important lesson was learned that day on Wisteria Lane. Even the slimiest cunt can get a job in real estate.

Clara: Just to be sure, I asked for some other opinions.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling would love to drop his bomb on that Pearl Harbor.
Xandir: Oh, it's adorable. What is it?
Foxxy: Now you got some fine-lookin' flesh sandwich.
Clara: I didn't care what the Choriental, the Sodomite or the Ethiop had to say. I knew my church door was too fat and I had to fix it.

The Drawn Together Clip Show

Jew producer:Let's take a look at the past season and pay our respects to all the korean children who died drawing

this insipid cartoon. (a scene from Super Nanny plays on the screen. a man urinating is shown while a list of fake koreans plays quickly.)

Jew producer: Well that really sucked ass.

End Credits Bonus Feature: The entire episode played backwards (shown in super fast rewind).

Season 3

Freaks & Greeks

[Captain Hero drops a pill into his beer, drinks it and passes out]
Wooldoor: I think the mailman meant a Greek family moved in next door, and not a fraternity.
Xandir: And that wasn't a roofie Captain Hero..... that was a Tic-Tac.
[short pause]
Capt. Hero: Are you guys gonna fuck me or not?

Ling-Ling: Father why? You have so much to live for.
Jun-Jee: Oh, nothing bling me joy. I too old to battle, and my cataract make karaoke impossible.

Ling-Ling: He my father, Ling-Ling deserve money, not you.... filthy srut! [spits]
Toot: Heeeey I'm no SLUT, I EARNED this money! I've been letting Jun-Jee ram his tank into my Tiananmen Square!

[in the confessional]

Toot: Sadly, he always ignored the little student.

Jun-Jee: Jun-Jee decide... no one get his fortune!
Ling-Ling: YOKO-OH-NO!
Toot: YooHoo-HoHo!

Captain Hero: We're not going to let them destroy us, are we, pledges?
Wooldoor & Xandir: Sir, never, sir!
Captain Hero: And to prove it, Xandir, lock yourself in a trunk of a car with this bottle of whiskey and don't come out until it's empty!
Xandir: Sir, yes, sir!
[Later in the episode]
Captain Hero: Oh, Xandir's not gonna believe this- [cut to Captain Hero and Wooldoor opening the trunk and finding something that looks like a corpse covered with flies]
Captain Hero: Oh, my God... [vomits in disgust]
Wooldoor: Sir, you're a fucking idiot, sir!

Ling Ling: We split it 50-50.
Toot: (furiously) WHAT?!?!?! YOU WANT HALF MY HO-HO?!?!?! I SHOULD KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND!!!!!!!!
Ling Ling: Nooooo. Half of father's fortune.

Jun-Jee: Space turns Asians into queers. That only explanation for George Takei.

Ling-Ling: It's Ling-Ling money!
Toot: No, it's my money!
Ling-Ling: It's Ling-Ling money!
Toot: It's my money!
Ling-Ling: It's Ling-Ling money!
Toot: That's my money!
Ling-Ling: Duck season!

Jun-Jee: I am ashamed to call you Ling-Ling Hitler bin Laden Seacrest!

Clara: Hey Foxxy, when are you gonna contribute to the parent pile?
Foxxy: When my daddy get back from buyin' them cigarettes.

Mr. Georgiopolis: [to Captain Hero after he causes chaos in his family's house] Please, scary man, get out of my house and don't come back.

Wooldoor Sockbat's Giggle-Wiggle Funny Tickle Non Traditional Progressive MultiCultural Roundtable!

Captain Hero: Hey bro, what do you think about...bagina?
Terminator Guy: Dude, I love the bagina.
Captain Hero: Dude! I love the bagina! What do you like to do to the bagina?
Terminator Guy: What do you think I like to do to the bagina?
Captain Hero: I think you like to f**k it!
Terminator Guy: Damn straight, I totally like to to f**k the bagina.
Both: Sweet!

Foxxy: Senators! A children's tv show, won't make boys get fellatio. Watching tv on the sofa, can't turn your girl into Martina Navratilova. So senators, if you protect Wooldoor's free speech, I'll massage your prostates, each.

Wooldoor:Here's to congress for letting me do my show!
Spanky Ham: And to freedom of speech.
Wooldoor: F**k yeah!
Xandir: That's the sh*t!
Captain Hero: I want to f**k the head off of a f**king pig and rip its f**king guts out and then f**k its f**king f**k f**k f**k f**kity f**k...

Xandir: Cum on me if you want to live.
Wooldoor: I think you mean, "come with you".
Xandir: Wh, why, what did I say?

Wooldoor: No Xandir! Like Paul McCartney's ex-wife, we're not running anymore!

Wooldoor: What a weird night, first I was partying and drinking with my friends, much like a druken pro athelete. Then I was crying and running for my life, like the wife of a drunken pro athelete!

Wooldoor: Quick Xandir! Snarf my cavernous bunghole you snerd nurgling Jew!
Xandir: Don't you mean, "hold on"?
Wooldoor: Why, what did I say?

Female Transformer: Not in the hair, I have a date tonight

Toot: While those bastards stuffed their faces at the Wienermobile, I was trapped in the closet with nothing but some old coats! And Clara's golf umbrella which I've since renamed the expandable pleasure wand...

Xandir: Wooldoor, you saved the Gay Future. I wish I could see it one last time... So beautiful... Semen.. everywhere...

Wooldoor: I was deader than a racist walrus lost in the Detroit projects after dark.
[cut to a walrus surrounded by some black people]
Walrus: Don't any of you shwoogies have jobs?
Black man 1: The hell did you say!!!
Black man 2: lets get him!!!

Wooldoor: Xandir, what the hell is going on?

Terminator: What's the difference between a woman with the PMS and a terrorist? - You can negotiate with the terrorist.

Wooldoor: So now you're from the future, too? I thought you were from a video game.
Xandir: VIDEO GAMES ARE THE FUTURE!!!
Wooldoor: HELP! He's got a gun!
Xandir: Wooldoor, wait! Come on my back! [gets tackled by cops]

Captain Hero: Hey, do you know what they call vagina in france?...Royale with Cheese

Clara: If you put your show on, it'll turn the children gayer than a magician!
Wooldoor: OH MY GOD! Wait, street or Vegas?
Clara: VEGAS!
Wooldoor: OH MY GOD!!!

Female Transformer: (In robotic voice) I did not think that could be an input! Oh!
Foxxy: It's hot, but sad. You just know that fighterplane-dinosaur was molested.

Clara: What in the name of one-dimensional characters and predictable reactions is going on here?!

Captain hero: (to the terminator) But wait, bro. I didn't get to tell you my absolute favorite things about the bagina. It bought me close to you.

Wooldoor: Hey look everybody, it's our new friend the singing-robo-biker
All: (singing)Welcome to Wooldoor's world, where everbody loves bagina. Every shape and size, everybody loves bagina.
Wooldoor: Nobody kills Wooldoor's dreams, not my close-minded parents, not my opressive 3rd grade teacher, not the tough but fair drill instructor who taught me how to be an officer and a gentleman, AND NOT YOU, TER-MIN-AT-OR FROM THE FUTURE!!!
End Credits Bonus Feature: Foxxy watching Sex Transformers.

Spelling Applebee's

[Clara & Capt. Hero are on a date]
Clara: Captain Hero, take me home!
Hero: What? You're not having fun?
Clara: You're making out with our waiter!

[Clara & Capt. Hero on another date]
Clara: I'm so glad you gave us a second chance.
Hero: Well, at first-
Clara: [angry] SHUT UP! [silent, more gently] I mean... shut your f**king face, my sweet.

Wooldoor: Uhh...D...O...G. Cat!
(Buzzer sounds)
Spelling Bee Judge: No I'm sorry but that's not the correct spelling of 'centrifuge'.

Spelling Bee Judge: All right Ling-Ling, if you get this wrong, the Peanuts win. Your word is...'L'.
(Since Ling-Ling doesn't speak any English, he looks at the screen [breaking fourth wall] and then forfeits by dissappearing)

Clara: Can't you love me without touching me?

Snow White: That's what we get for letting Mulan drive.

Clara: Stay with me, Sleeping Beauty!
Sleeping Beauty: But... I'm tired... so... very... tired...

Charlie Brown: Oh Yeah, we beat you worse than Linus' dad beats him.
Linus: You'll protect me, won't you Blue Blanket.
Charlie Brown: Applebee's, here we come.

Toot: I'd give Spanky's left testicle for an Applebee's coupon!
Spanky: Too late..... I already gave that testicle to my one true love..... Cancer.

Spanky: Hey, look! The 7-Eleven's hiring!
Hadji: Mom and Dad got fired?

Foxxy: I was once the best speller in the land.
Judge: Miss Love, for the win and your sixth consecutive spelling bee championship, your word is "knickers."
Young Foxxy: Could you please repeat that word?
Judge: Knickers.
Young Foxxy: Use it in a sentence.
Judge: It's wrong to mix whites with coloured knickers.
Young Foxxy: You racist son of a bitch! [chokes the judge]

Foxxy: YOU MAKE ME SICK! (she throws her bike helmet at a war statue instead of the statue of her)

Foxxy: Can we play the Rocky Trainin' Song?
Spanky: Only if we can afford it.

Hadji: Don't give that bitch a statue! Give her some balls!
Foxxy: What did you say, Hadji?
Hadji: You heard me, chump! I am the #1 spelling bee contender, but you're too scared to face me!
Foxxy: I ain't scared of nothin' except dyin' alone, so unless you wanna marry me, which I would like very much, I will take you any time!
Hadji: How about right now?

Spelling Bee Judge: For the win, your word is... "illogical." As in: You being allowed to compete after someone else has already won is highly illogical.
Foxxy: Illogical, y'all. I-L-L-O-G-I-C-A-L, Y-apostrophe-A-L-L. Illogical, y'all.

Unrestrainable Trainable

Clara: Do you want a bowl of chicken soup?
Wooldoor: Soup?! F**K YEAH! I LOVE THAT SH*T!

Clara: Gosh, my roommates always hated me, and now they think I'm some kind of saint.
Foxxy: Clara, for the first time ever, I am proud to be your friend. This makes up for all them cracks about my breasteses lactatin' chocolate milk.
Nestlé Quik Rabbit: No chocolate milk? Then what the hell have I been sucking on?

Clara: Taking orders from a black girl?! Who does she think I am, Thomas Jefferson's penis?
Wooldoor: Oh, that's Ling-Ling who is throwing his Shuriken Stars on me (Ling-Ling threw his ninja star on Wooldoor)

After Wooldoor nearly drowns, Foxxy gives him CPR, and her golden teeth fell out.
Foxxy: [In a polite English accent] Capital! Thank goodness I'm certified in Cardiopulmonary Resucitation. [She puts the teeth back in and reverts to her normal style] Mouth to mouth, y'all!

Wooldoor: Clara, you've gone crazy! You're poisoning me!
Clara: Oh, Wooldoor, you don't mean that. That's just the poison I'm using to poison you with talking.

Xandir: How could you possibly have a son? You said you had your balls removed.
Captain Hero: No, I said I had my ball-SACK removed. Besides, I always pull out!
Xandir: Eww... that's not a foolproof method. [Xandir is in the confessional holding a baby] Right, Craig?

Jesus: Look at that heeb pretending to drown. Those Jews kill me.

Captain She-Ro: Hello?
Captain Hero: Pardon me, sir, but did you buy some Zebulonian sperm and give birth to a giant stupidhead?
Captain She-Ro: Who wants to know?
Captain Hero: I do, for I am the donor. My name is Captain Hero.
Captain She-Ro: Captain Hero? Oh no!
Captain Hero: Oh no, what?
Captain She-Ro: I am your... sister.
Xandir: Of course she is.

Clara: [to Wooldoor] You are so lucky to have someone like me stabbing you with a rusty screwdriver like this.

Bill Cosby: Without the pudding, I'm just another unemployed sexual predator.

Clara: Foxxy, look out in the hallway! It's another Denzel Washington! With two penises!
Foxxy: Double-dong Denzel!

Captain She-Ro: So, then I moved to Earth to be closer to Trader Joe's, I turned 35 and desperately wanted a baby. Anywho, when I discovered the clinic actually had Zebulonian sperm, I was tickled pink! But who would've thought the he-honkers I snorted up my crotch nostril were from my brother?

N.R.A.y RAY

[Bambi was crying over the death of his mother]

Bambi You killed my mother!
Captain Hero Sucks to be you.

Capt. Hero: Oh, Wooly Bully & I spent another fun-filled day at The Museum Of Tolerance. Every time we go it reminds us that the world's a tolerant place where nothing ever goes wrong.

[All the happiness stops when Wooldoor & Capt. Hero get home & discover the house has been robbed.]

Wooldoor: OH MY GOD!
Capt. Hero: We've been robbed!

[Capt. Hero redos everything he just did backwards.]

Capt. Hero: Erehw ecalp tnarelot a s'dlrow eht taht su sdnimer ti og ew emit yreve. Ecnarelot Fo Muesum Eht ta yad dellif-nuf rehtona tneps I & Yllub Yloow, ho. We've been robbed!
Museum of Tolerance worker: It was Probably the blacks or the Mexicans.

Foxxy: I did not not raise yo' papa to not raise you to be no criminal!

Wooldoor: Ever wonder why African-American black men are so attracted to large posteriors? Good day. I am Professor Wooldoor Sockbat, here to explain this completely racist phenomenon.

[Black-and-white footage is shown of an African tribesman being chased by a lion.]

Wooldoor: For centuries, natives found large, roaming badonkadonks to be safe havens from the dangers of the wild.

[The tribesman jumps into a large butt, stopping the lion in its tracks.]

Wooldoor: Their love of huge asses has been written into their genetic code. Even they don't know why... they just know. See you next time when we explore why Jews have big noses! Is it because air is free?

Bambi: Just give us a fighting chance, Mr. Hero. Maybe Mommy would've lived.

Bambi: Wait, come back! I killed my own mother for this!

Judge Fudge: I don't have time to rule on your motion. I'm far too busy... being delicious.

Capt. Hero: Fuck you, duck!

Capt. Hero: Soon I'll have more arms than the wackiest god in all of India!

Bambi: I'm not saying you need to stop hunting...
Capt. Hero: Bitchin'! [aims a sniper rifle at Bambi]
Bambi: ...but using assault rifles and armor-piercing bullets is just not fair.

Mexican't Buy Me Love

King of Mexico: You won't defeat me, as long as I have my magic potion! (Holds up a bottle of Tequila with a worm in it)


King of Mexico: [as a giant monster worm) I don't have to wear pants anymore!
Ling-Ling: You've gotta be shitting me.


Ling-Ling: Who knew something so Mexican could move so fast?


Toot: Our plan was working great. We were making more money than a televangelist in a room full of impressionable retards. For more information about this joke, please visit the South!


Ling-Ling: Now that honorable battle! Not like the abttle to put Toot to bed.

[flashback]

Ling-Ling is chasing Toot who is in a feetsy pajamas

Toot: No! No bedtime! No sleep!

Toot jumps over the banister to the lower level of the house

Toot: Eaaaaaaat!

Giant explosion


Captian Hero: Hey ladies? What does Captian Hero and Lance Armstrong's left testicle have in common? We are both single! ...And we're sensitive to cold.
A cold breeze goes by and Captain Hero's head shrinks

Toot: I thought we were going to be caged up until we died, like those stupid chickens!

Ling-Ling: The chickens! We must go back and save them!

Toot: Screw that! I'm gonna watch my OWN back from now on!...if only I could watch my own feet! (Moves her boobs around, but is unable to see her feet below)

Ling-Ling: We must turn back now and save the chickens, for they are Ling-Ling's brothers. But if you only care about yourself, then fine, go.

Toot: Later asshole! Meep-meep! (Takes off in "Road-Runner" style, but only gets a couple feet, falling flat on her chest and gasping and panting heavily; a vulture then flies in and lands on her butt.)

Vulture: Jesus, how long has this thing been dead?


Foxy: (in the confessional) There was a meteor heading straight for Earth! and if the movie Deep Impact was anything to go by, the whole planet was about to become boring and unwatchable.


Toot: C'mon! Do me! You know you want it!

Donkey: I'm sorry, my dear, but even a filthy, pathetic donkey has standards.

Lost in Parking Space, Part One

Clara:Oh, really how do you explain this.
[Phone line disconnected]
Clara: The phone wasn't even plugged in. WWHHOOOOOOOOO!
Foxxy: Uh, Clara is that Kirk Cameron hiding behind that plant.
[Camera shows Kirk Cameron hiding behind a house-plant]
Clara: Kirk Your busted! Run!
Krik Cameron: To learn more visit my website wayofthemaster.com
[Kirk Cameron jumps out of the window]

Krik Cameron: Catch me, Jesus!


[Wooldoor opening the van door]
Wooldoor: Ach du lieber Augustin! [continues by using his dummy] We can't get out this way either!

Captain Hero: You're all going to die! This van just got a whole lot sexier...

Delivery Guy: This has been the worst delivery since my wife's miscarriage.

Excludie: You can say that again.
Toot: Aw, shut up, Excludie! Get back in your box!
Excludie: Aww... [walks off]
[Excludie walks back into his box]
Voice: Get out, Excludie! We don't want you!
Excludie: Aww... [walks off]

Spanky: You pathetic fools! Now we're all gonna die!
Excludie: Even me?!
Spanky: No! Not you, Excludie! Now, here's a blanket and a thermos of delicious hot cocoa.
Excludie: Aww... [walks off]

Xandir: Hey guys, are you all ready to go to the mall?
Captain Hero: Are you ready to SHUT THE FUCK UP?!

Lost in Parking Space, Part Two

Xandir: So like the time Fernando and I went to the diner and ordered a bowl of soup to split, but we didn't feel like crackers, WE GOTTA ROLL!


Captain Hero: We can sit here and argue for hours about who suffocated Ling-Ling. But the truth is, he's dead and we are hungry.

Wooldoor Sockbat: Captain Hero, what are you saying?

Captain Hero: I'm saying what we're all thinking: it's time to cuddle with the charred corpse of that dummy! [Picks up dummy] I'll make you feel like a real boy.

Spanky Ham: I thought he was going to say we should eat Ling-Ling.


Princess Clara: I haven't seen a bovine with such kind eyes since Mother Theresa died!


Davey: Ah shucks! I'm gonna die! And I never knew what it's like to love.

Goliath: What about all the stuff we did we went camping, Davey?

Davey: That wasn't about love, Goliath. It was about POWER!


Foxxy Love: No! Please don't! I wanna speak to your manager!

Hot Topic Manager: I am the manager!


Hot Topic Manager: Attention torturers! We have a security breach! We must evacuate Hot Topic immediately before the authorities arrive. [Picks up can of gasoline] I'm not going back to jail.


Captain Hero: If the fat chick hallucinating from the saltwater says it's true, then it must be true!


Hot Topic Manager: [Walks into torture room] What part of "we need to evacuate" do you not understand?

Princess Clara: Not today, mister! [Cuts off his arm]

Foxxy Love: Nice work, Clara! Now let's get- [Clara cuts off his other arm] Ok, I think you got him...

Princess Clara: [Between hacks] I...MUST...GET...INTO...HEAVEN!

Foxxy Love: Is you done?

Princess Clara: Not sure...how do you know when you're done killing something?

Foxxy Love: When your man pick you up at the clinic and take you drinkin' at the club.


Xandir: Like Moses led the Jews out of the desert, I'm leading us out of this van!


Daria: [As a torturer hammers a nail into her eye] This is men's fault.

Charlotte's Web of Lies

Captain Hero: (Upon realizing that Scroto's last wish was to wash his testicles.) Not your baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllssss.


Gash: Sorry Ling Ling, but your dancing days are over. Like any child who has ever been adopted, you are destined to kill.

Ling Ling: What was Ling Ling thinking?! Battle monster not meant to dance
Gash: Or is he!
Ling Ling: Gash! What are you doing here?
Gash: I came to see you dance
Ling Ling: But you said Ling Ling could never be a dancer
Gash: I was just jealous. I too always wanted to be a dancer as well also but, I didn't have the talent so I tortured you relentlessly until you became a sociopathic killer, crushing all your dreams. My bad


Charolette: Aww, do you really think I'm pretty?

Spanky: WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY?!

Charolette: Wow! No ones ever loved me enough to yell at me!


Captain Hero: What comes after asphyxi-seven? Asphyxiate!


Captain Hero: Your Balls are CLEAN!


Spanky: Huh? "Some Pig?"
Charlotte: Mm-hmm, you were some pig last night. That was the hottest interspecies sex since Matthew Broderick nailed Sarah Jessica Parker.
Spanky: You're saying we...
Charlotte: Eight times! [laughs]


Captain Hero: Damn you, Scroto! Aww...
Wooldoor: His name is Scroto?
Captain Hero: Yes.
Wooldoor: So that's what your arch-nemesis does?
Captain Hero: Yep.
Wooldoor: No bank robberies?
Captain Hero: Uh-uh.
Wooldoor: Or blowing up the planet?
Captain Hero: Nope.
Wooldoor: He just tricks superheroes into washing his balls?
Captain Hero: Not all superheroes. Just me... just me.
Wooldoor: What a strange, strange villain.


Foxxy: Ling-Ling, you killed Xylophone!
Toot: Who's Ling-Ling?


Captain Hero: There I was, seconds away from destroying the most evil man I had ever known, but I couldn't kill someone on their deathbed.


Mrs. Wifflebottom: You knew there was a shark out there, but you let people go swimming anyway.


Spanky: There are two things I never forget: phone numbers and my grandmother's birthday.


Fran Drescher: [in costume as Ling-Ling] Yoko Ono, Mitsubishi. I have a small penis.


Charlotte: [via web messages] I will not be ignored! I'm sowwy I welled at you. I'll put a bullet in your fucking skull! Today I saw your face in a cloud. What about all our plans after graduation? You won't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man! Zoom, zoom.
Girl: You have another girlfriend?! And I thought you were different! [runs off crying]


Girl: Are you sure you're finished with that spider lady? 'Cause I am too classy to be the second woman... unless, of course, we're having a piss orgy.

Breakfast Food Killer

Foxxy: Tookie, can't you just be happy for Maplethorp?
Toot: Why don't you assholes believe me? (to Foxxy) And why don't you know any of our names?

African Kid: Oh, dip! Our families will starve!

Toot: Hey, you cereal-mascot-dickbag! Toot Braunstein is gonna destroy you and the entire cereal empire with these special UPC codes!
Spanky: There's nothing special about UPC Codes. Why? There are everywhere!

In happens since 1971. First suggested by Wallace Flint in 1922, the Uniform Product Code or "UPC" was developed... (Captain Hero hits Spanky's head.) I like to pee on things!


Wooldoor: Frankenberry?
Spanky: Ohhhh, it's Frankenberry now, because back in Hebrew school it was Frankenstein!

Drawn Together Babies

Foxxy: Hey, wait! Them ain't yo Funyuns! Them's Foxxy's Funyuns.
Narrator: And that is how Foxxy learned "Them ain't yo Funyuns. Them's Foxxy's Funyuns."

Captain Hero: If you tell me everything, maybe we'll talk to the D.A. about extenuating circumstances!
Walter: What does "extenuating circumstances" mean?
Captain Hero: How am I supposed to know? I'm a goddamn baby!

Xandir: Foxxy, wanna race?
Foxxy: A'ight, but I'm real shy, so won't you please pretend I'm the genocide in Sudan and turn your head?
Clara: What's a genocide?
Foxxy: How should I know? I'm just a baby!

Foxxy: You guys get rid of Chad.
[the other babies get excited and pull out guns]
Foxxy: Not the African country, the babysitter's boyfriend!
[the other babies drop their guns in disappointment]

Wooldoor: WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Captain Hero: "Wheee?" Why the hell did you say "wheee?"
Wooldoor: You damaged my internal organs on the Sit n' Spin. I have to make that sound every thirty seconds, or I'll drown in my own bile. [simulates drowning] WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Narrator: And that's how Walter Saget became Wooldoor Saget. (Long pause)

Narrator: And that is how Toot became a one-dimensional fat joke.
Voice: Your face is a fat joke!
Narrator: No, yours is.

Doctor: Now, you kids run along. I have to perform an emergency triple bypass.
Clara: "Emergency triple bypass?" What's that?
Doctor: How should I know? I'm just a baby!
[everyone laughs]

Captain Hero: If anybody needs me, I'll be in the fridge, spending time with my new friend.
Narrator: And that is how Captain Hero learned that dead bodies are game for anything... and I do mean anything. Goodnight, and fuck you.

Spanky: Well, both of you seem equally qualified, but I say we listen to Foxxy, 'cause black people deserve a helping hand.
Narrator: And that is how Princess Clara learned to hate the coloreds.

Foxxy: If you like that taste of chocolate, I could give you a tour of the whole factory. [removes most of her wardrobe to distract Captain Hero]
Narrator: And that is how Foxxy Love became a whooooooore.

Spanky: We'll have a Spring wedding, with garlands!
Clara: Oh, this is so romantic.
Ling-Ling: What are you people, insane? We're four babies in a trench coat! We have to get out of here! We murdered someone today!
Clara: Ling-Ling's right. We can't give up on our one chance at true love.
Ling-Ling: [speaking Oriental] Fine. You no listen to me. Ling-Ling start speaking crazy language I make up with dead twin.
Narrator: [speaking Ling-Ling's language] And that is how Ling-Ling learned to speak [stretches eyes to look like an Asian person] Oriental.

Narrator: And that is how Spanky Ham came to love the wonderful world of excrement... almost as much as I do. [gets under a glass table with a dollar bill in hand] Ready! [we see some excrement fall onto the table]

Narrator: And that is how Xandir became a hooooomooooo.

Daddy: I'll go and take the sitter home.
Mommy: Good, 'cause I've been brewing a major steamer, and if I don't drop it out soon, it's gonna tear me to shreds.
Daddy: WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE SO DISGUSTING?!

Mr. Huffington: Chad, no son of mine will be involved with trash. Either end this right now, or you are no longer heir to the Huffington Pants fortune.

Chad: Breathe, honey, breathe.
Chad's Rebellious Brother, Chase: Don't you tell the mother of my child what to do!
Chad: Don't you tell the mother of my child what to do!

Mrs. Huffington: [to Chase] Would you put some pants on for God's sake?!
Chad's Rebellious Brother, Chase: Pants? I don't even know what "pants" is. [he is shown wearing a kilt]

Daddy: I don't wanna be late, so could you move your fat ass?!
Mommy: Shut your goddamn mouth, you drunken, unemployed bastard! You're gonna wake up Sid! [cut to Sid's bassinet, where the buzzing of flies can be heard, indicating that he has passed away]

Captain Hero: I'm telling Mommy!
Xandir: You are such a tattletale, you adopted homo!
Captain Hero: I was NOT adopted!

Captain Hero: Like when Daddy plays with Mommy on her woman week, I've caught you red-handed!

Foxxy: Walter?! What happened to your face?
Wooldoor: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE?!

Charlotte: Listen up, you little bastards! My boyfriend, Chad Huffington, heir to the Huffington Pants fortune, is coming over, so you assholes better shut the hell up and stay in your fucking rooms!
Captain Hero: Don't worry, ma'am, I'll patrol the hallway and make sure they stay put.
Charlotte: Spoken like a true ass-kissing adopted homo.

Captain Hero: So, Walter Saget, I suppose you don't know anything about that missing babysitter.
Walter: How should I know? I'm just a pure and innocent little baby. Maybe she went to wash her dirty snatch!

Clara: Oh, my God! Mrs. Drawn Together, you whore! And Tyrone, I paid you to kill her, not fuck her!

Clara: To make the babysitter come, I'll cry even louder than Daddy after he found out about Black Daddy.

Mrs. Huffington: Oh, Chad, that tramp is clearly after your money!
Chad: But Mother, this is the woman I love!
Chad's Rebellious Brother Chase: Love? Ha! You don't even know what love is.

Chad: Pants... they're not just for chimps anymore!

[Lyrics to Drawn Together Babies]
Drawn Together Babies: Ooh-ee-ee-ooh-ooh-ee-ooh!
Drawn Together Babies!
We're cute little girls and boys
We use imagination
Like athletes use their 'roids
Captain Hero: I like to follow the rules.
Clara: I think tolerance is cool.
Toot: Yay friendliness!
Spanky: And cleanliness!
Foxxy: I love my chastity.
Walter: No goofing around for me!
Xandir: I like cars and girls.
Sid: I like to sleep on my stomach.
Ling-Ling: And I'm also in this song!
Drawn Together Babies: Drawn Together Babies
We poopy in our beds
We are so adorable
You'll wanna smash our heads in
Drawn Together Babies!

Ling-Ling: ATTICA! ATTICA!

Nipple Ring-Ring Goes to Foster Care

Uncle Benny: Jesus H. Snork! You sure knows rice!
Ling-Ling: Well, you know what they say, we Asians born with grain of rice between our legs!


Little Orphan Annie: [to Foxxy] Whatever you do, don't let him take..... your eyes!


Foxxy: Repeat people much?
Ling-Ling: Repeat people much?
Foxxy: Repeat people much?
Ling-Ling: Repeat people much?
Foxxy: Repeat people much?
Ling-Ling: Repeat people much?


Letta Lame: [to a young Captain Hero] ARE YOU FUCKING A HERO SANDWICH?!


Foxxy: Daddy got me this awesome T-shirt! It says, "Never forget..." [turns around]
Uncle Benny: "...to salt the water before boilin' the rice."


Foxxy: With our little Chinese friend gone, things just wasn't the same. Our nails was unmanicured, our Zen garden was unraked, and now our Tibetans got way too much freedom.


Foxxy: Now, where's I supposed to sleep? [a dirty mattress and dog bowl are drawn in] Hold up! Is this some kinda joke? [is redrawn as a weird creature] That's it! Show yourself!
Bugs Bunny: [as the artist] Ain't I an asshole?


Transformer: I can transform. Watch. [transforms into a gun and back] Now you transform.
Foxxy: But I can't trans...
Transformer: [transforms into a gun again] I SAID TRANSFORM!!


Notes

  • One of the pictures is the fruits are turning moldy and rancid.

Toot Goes Bollywood

Phat Allen: Hey, that kid looks like a little girl in a pretzel store.
Mushy Mouth: Little girl-buh in a pretzel store-buh?
Phat Allen: Yeah, she's being a-salted!
Ling-Ling: There's no way out, now what're we gonna do.
Spanky: Hey, would you play with your pet (pokes Ling-Ling, Ling-Ling growls)

Phat Allen: Boy, Foxxy. You're just like a German porn star's mouth.
Foxxy: German porn star's mouth?
Phat Allen: Yeah, you're full of shit!

[Phat Allen & his gang laugh histerically]


Phat Allen: They oughta call you Lance Armstrong.
Foxxy: 'Cause I only gots one ball left?
Phat Allen: Wait a minute. Isn't Lance Armstrong the guy who hangs upside down from giant magnets?

Xandir: Here we are! The large bryant really big and fat and not tall but fat store.
Spanky: Ling-Ling be able to speak Spanish.
Ling-Ling: Si, madre chico de los magnito. Gracias.

Foxxy: They oughta call you Daddy.
Phat Allen: Daddy?
Foxxy: 'Cause you missed terribly!

Foxxy: Oh, Phat Allen? Come out and plaaaaay!

Not Bright Donald: Hey Phat Allen, you're just like a library on Sunday.
Phat Allen: A library on Sunday?
Not Bright Donald: Yeah, no circulation!

Indian Husband: Oh, my God!
Indian Wife: We have hit the most sacred of all creatures in our completely sensible religion: a cow!
Indian Husband: Oh, my hundreds of goofy gods!

King of India: The village of Tandoori refuses to send any more men to fuck you.
Toot: BURN THE VILLAGE TO THE GROUND!!!

Foxxy: What the hell is wrong with you, Toot?! Can't you see I'm bangin' Astro?
Scooby-Doo: Ri rain't Rastro, ritch! (translation: I ain't Astro, bitch!)
Toot: Jesus, Foxxy, you're such a whore! You've had more infected wangs in you than a Shanghai hospital!
Scooby-Doo: Roh ro you ridn't! (translation: Oh no you didn't!)
Foxxy: You just jealous because you couldn't get screwed at a convention of Jewish insurance salesmen!
Scooby-Doo: Rou rid rot rust ro there! (translation: You did not just go there)

Spanky: That doesn't make any sense, Ling-Ling'll never leave without us.

Foxxy: They oughta call me childhood vaccinations.
Phat Allen: Childhood vaccinations?
Foxxy: 'Cause I've been killin' innocent kids.

Not Bright Donald: Miss Love, isn't it true you like a bowlin' ball?
Foxxy: A bowlin' ball?
Not Bright Donald: Yeah, 'cause you get fingered and thrown in the gutter 20 times a night!

(After the Indian family sings a song for Toot)
Toot: Holy crap! That sucked my BALLS!
[The family gasps]
Family: It speaks!
Toot: Oh Goddamn it. I mean... moo? Well, I guess the jig is up. Okay assbags, thanks for the grub and the retarded dance.

Phat Allen: Hey, hey, hey, hey. I think the Brown Hornet's tryin' to tell us somethin'.
Not Bright Donald: What, Phat Allen, who has absolutely no affiliation with Bill Cosby's lovable character, Fat Albert?
Phat Allen: I don't know, but I think it's about beatin' your meat.

Toot: (to the Indian crowd) OK, everyone, circle up!

Trivia & Notes:

  • The Smurfs return since "Hot Tub" (see below), to be a knife fighting again at the booze style. They were only purple.







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