The Full Wiki

More info on Dwight Schrute

Dwight Schrute: Wikis


Note: Many of our articles have direct quotes from sources you can cite, within the Wikipedia article! This article doesn't yet, but we're working on it! See more info or our list of citable articles.


From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Dwight Kurt Schrute III
The Office character
Rainn Wilson.jpg
First appearance "Pilot"
Nickname(s) Dwight "Danger" Schrute, D
Gender Male
Occupation Sales Representative, Dunder Mifflin, Scranton
Assistant to the Regional Manager, Dunder Mifflin, Scranton Agricultural Tourism Hotel Owner
Family Girt (Uncle)
Dweide Schrude (Great Grandfather),
"Manheim Schrute" (Grandfather)
Dwight Schrute I (Grandfather),
Dwight Schrute II (Father),
Mose (Cousin)
Spouse(s) None (Had An Affair With Angela)
Based on Gareth Keenan

Dwight Kurt Schrute III is a fictional character on NBC's The Office portrayed by Rainn Wilson. He was originally based on Gareth Keenan from the original UK version of The Office. Dwight is the top salesman for the Dunder Mifflin Paper Company and has won numerous awards for his successes, despite lacking social skills and common sense.[1] Additionally, despite his personal dislike of Jim Halpert, the two have been shown to be a very effective sales team.[1] Dwight's ability as a salesman, though, has rarely commanded the respect of his peers or led to higher levels of professional success.

Dwight is 6 feet 2 inches (1.88 m)[2] with little sense of humor, a hunger for authority, and a gullible nature that often makes him the target of pranks, primarily at the hands of Jim. Despite his naivety, he is knowledgeable on a wide range of topics including bears, beets, and Battlestar Galactica.

In an episode commentary on the season-one DVD, Wilson refers to Dwight as a "fascist nerd".[3] In a featurette on the season-three DVD, Wilson describes Dwight as "someone who does not hate the system, but has a deep and abiding love for it".[4]

Dwight is a former volunteer sheriff[5] and has been trained in surveillance.[5] He enjoys Battlestar Galactica, the Harry Potter franchise, The Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, The Crow, The Apprentice, Lost, Survivor, and 24. Dwight lives on his family's 60-acre (240,000 m2) beet farm, in a nine bedroom farmhouse (with one bathroom), with his cousin Mose (played by producer/writer Michael Schur), where they grow table beets.[6] Dwight also likes paintball, survivalism, Karate[7] and weapons. He drives a 1987 Pontiac Trans Am. In "take Your Daughter to Work day," Dwight reads the children a story from the German book, Struwwelpeter. He claims they are cautionary tales for kids, and the particular story he reads is about a boy who sucks his thumbs and then gets them cut off by a tailor after his mother had warned about it.

Not much is revealed about Dwight's parents except that his father used to take him hunting, cheated in games, and that he battled obesity, high blood pressure, and cancer.[8] Dwight once mentioned that his grandfather fought in WWII and ended up in an Allied Prison Camp[8], implying he was a soldier in the German army.



Actor Rainn Wilson, who portrays Dwight Schrute.

Dwight Schrute is portrayed by American actor Rainn Wilson. The character is based on Gareth Keenan of the original British version of the show, who was played by actor Mackenzie Crook. On February 24, 2007, Wilson hosted Saturday Night Live, becoming the second cast member from The Office to host after Steve Carell.[9]

All original series characters were adapted for the U.S. version. Unlike Carell, Wilson had watched every episode of the original British series, and was a fan before he auditioned for the US version.[3] Wilson had originally auditioned for Michael, a performance he described as a "terrible Gervais impersonation";[3] however, the casting directors liked his audition as Dwight much more and hired him for the role. Wilson based Dwight's hairstyle on his own style he had when he was sixteen.[3] In an interview he said that he went to a barber to get "the worst haircut possible."[10]

Character information

When the series begins, Dwight Schrute is a competent salesman at the Scranton branch of the paper-goods distribution company Dunder Mifflin. Dwight formally held the title of "Assistant to the Regional Manager"[11] but constantly refers to himself as "Assistant Regional Manager," attempting to elevate himself to second-in-command to Michael Scott. Dwight craves authority over others and relishes any minor task that Michael or anyone else gives him.[3] Though Dwight acts like a know-it-all, he is actually quite gullible and naïve.[3] For this reason, he is easily tricked and tormented by his desk-mate and fellow salesman Jim Halpert.[12] Dwight speaks in a halting, dramatic manner, even in casual conversations.[3] Dwight almost always wears a mustard-colored short-sleeved dress shirt with a dark tie, often with a brown suit jacket. He often uses one-upmanship to better himself over his peers, such as boasting about how he trains specific parts of his body or how he can outrun Toby Flenderson. Though he has little, if any, sense of humor, Dwight often engages in jokes and games to appease Michael, but fails because of Michael's perception of himself as the jokester. After Dwight temporarily leaves Dunder Mifflin, it is shown that Dwight watered the office plant and arranged the toys on Michael's desk in a manner that made Michael happy.

Family and childhood

He claims to remember his own birth including his father delivering him and his mother biting the umbilical cord.[13] Dwight was a twin, but he "resorbed" his twin while still in his mother's womb (this occurrence is called twin embolisation syndrome).[14] He believes that he now has "the strength of a full grown man and a little baby".[14] He claims to have been born weighing 13 lb 5 oz (6.0 kg), rendering his mother incapable of walking for three months and two days.[14] In "Baby Shower", Dwight claims to have performed his own circumcision. Dwight was shunned by his family between the ages of four and six for forgetting to save the excess oil from a can of tuna.[15] He lost a grade school spelling bee by misspelling the word "failure" in front of the entire school.[16] In seventh grade, Dwight played the invented role of "Mutey the Mailman" in a production of Oklahoma![17] He explains that there were not enough roles for all of the children, so they made up roles.[17] Dwight's father — also named Dwight Schrute — battled high blood pressure and obesity all his life, but often went hunting with his son.[18] In the Season Two DVD bloopers it is revealed that Dwight's father would take him and his brothers to a swimming hole on hot summer days as a child until 10:00 AM, then they would work the beet fields until well after midnight.[8]

Dwight's paternal great-grandfather, Dweide Schrude, was Amish[18] and apparently others in his family have been as well, since Dwight's cousin and housemate Mose dresses as a practicing member of the Amish. Dwight speaks German, but his knowledge of it is "pre-industrial and mostly religious" as might be expected if the language was learned exclusively in an Amish church or context.

Dwight lives in a nine-bedroom, one-bathroom (which is located under the porch as revealed in "Office Olympics"), farmhouse on his family's 60-acre (240,000 m2) beet farm with Mose, selling beets to local stores, restaurants and roadside beet stands.[19] It is also revealed that Dwight uses part of his farm to grow hemp, which a pizza delivery boy refers to as "crappy weed".[20] Dwight and Mose have also turned Schrute Farm into a very ramshackle bed & breakfast that was visited during "Money" by Jim and Pam.[21] The bed and breakfast had three theme rooms, "America, Irrigation, and Nighttime".

Dwight's maternal grandfather, whose surname is Manheim (according to Dwight's web log on[22] fought in World War II and killed twenty men before ending up in an Allied prison camp.[7] In "Take Your Daughter to Work Day", Michael refers to Dwight's grandmother as a "Nazi war criminal".[23] In "Dunder Mifflin Infinity", Dwight reveals that Grandpa Manheim is still alive at 103 years, and relates his attempt to visit him in Argentina.[24] His travel visa was protested by the Shoah Foundation.[24] (It should be noted that U.S. travelers to Argentina do not need a visa) Dwight reveals the day of casino night that he is wearing the suit his grandfather was buried in ("Casino Night"). It is possible that this is the same grandfather that was reburied in an "old oil drum" (Grief Counseling). In the deleted scenes for "The Surplus" in Season 5, Dwight tells Angela that his family came over on a U-Boat after she tells him that Andy Bernard's ancestors came to the U.S. on the Mayflower.

According to one of Dwight's web logs on's "Schrute-Space", he had an uncle named Gunther, a goat farmer, who fled the Allied invasion of Germany and married a Finnish woman with whom he had 17 children.[25] He also had an Uncle Grit who revealed that the Schrute family has an ongoing hatred of Harry S Truman because they were staunch supporters of Thomas Dewey. In another blog, he mentions a cousin named Heindl, who received numerous injuries and infections from an attack by a small sheep dog that was working for their family.[26]


Dwight is trained in the art of surveillance and is a former Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy.[5] He is also a purple belt in Goju-Ryu karate, and is the sempai at his dojo.[7] Dwight is a pop culture and sci-fi buff who has expressed fanship of many sci-fi movies and popular TV shows. In the episode "The Fire", he referenced the movie The Crow as being his favorite. He hints at belief in fictional creatures such as androids, zombies, and vampires (though curiously, despite having claimed in "Business School" to have shot a werewolf, he says in one of his blog entries that he does not believe in them; however, he may have simply been denying claims of werewolves at Schrute Farms in order to prevent potential visitors from being frightened away)[26]. He enjoys playing ping-pong and states that many of his heroes are table tennis players.[27] He is also shown to be very good at the sport.[27] His musical tastes vary, but classic rock seems to be a recurring theme.[1] His personal musical talents are not lacking, as he plays guitar and recorder, and sings.[23] He has a fascination with cars; he usually checks a car's suspension, especially muscle cars. He drives a 1987 Pontiac Trans Am. He is technologically talented and shows a passion for the online role playing game, Second Life, in which the only difference between himself and his avatar is that his avatar can fly.[20] He also shows an interest in trains as he's restoring a life size train in his slaughterhouse during "The Meeting", which has him bonding with Toby as they share the same interest.

Dwight weapons.ogg
Dwight expresses his interests in weaponry and surveillance.

Dwight owns an impressive array of weaponry. In addition to laser tag and paintball equipment, he has a crossbow range at his farm ("Office Olympics") and, when he was named official security supervisor of the Scranton branch[5], hinted that he might bring a bo staff to work. He maintained a hidden arsenal of weapons at his desk, including pepper spray, nunchucks, throwing stars, a stun gun, a boomerang, handcuffs, a nightstick, a pair of brass knuckles, and a Chinese Sword, all of which were confiscated by Toby.[28] Dwight also claimed to have sat at his desk for an entire day with a Spud Gun without any trouble from security.[5] Dwight also uses a real gun, a Smith & Wesson Model 686, fired within city limits, to start off the race in Fun Run.[29] He also produced a disturbing number of Molotov cocktails for a panty raid on Utica in "Branch Wars". In "Survivor Man", it is revealed that Dwight still has many knives (and other weapons) hidden on himself (as in "Stress Relief" there is a knife strapped to his leg) or strategically positioned throughout the office ('Mr. A Knife' in a filing cabinet and water cooler, sword in ceiling tile, blow dart in a toilet, a compound bow under a couch) and he owns a .22 rifle with scope.[30]

Dwight is vocal about his views on justice. In "The Negotiation", Roy attacks Jim because he kissed Roy's fiancee, Pam, but Dwight intercepts the attack with pepper spray.[28] Jim wants to show his appreciation, but Dwight refuses to accept his gifts: "Citizens do not accept gifts for being citizens".[28] In "Drug Testing", Dwight finds half of a joint in the parking lot, which incites him to carry out a full-out investigation.[5] When he discovers that Michael might have been exposed to drugs at a concert he substitutes his own urine during the drug test.[5] Dwight then resigns from his volunteer position at the Sheriff's Department because he feels he is no longer worthy of working there. In "Frame Toby", Dwight states that he is good at framing people and animals, saying that he once framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present and a bear for eating out of the garbage.[5] In the episode "Womens Appreciation", he is quoted as saying "Better a thousand innocent men are locked up than one guilty man roam free."

Coworker relations

In "Drug Testing", Dwight says that he likes the people he works with, "with four exceptions". It is up to the audience to make educated guesses about who these four exceptions are.


Towards the middle of Season Two, Dwight develops a secret relationship with Angela Martin. Pam begins to suspect a relationship between Dwight and Angela in the episode "E-mail Surveillance" by observing their interactions, suspicions which are strengthened in "The Injury" and "Conflict Resolution" and confirmed by "Traveling Salesmen", where Angela confides in Pam about her relationship, using code names.[1] Ryan discovers the relationship between the two when he overhears a coded conversation between the two in the kitchen. Jim discovers the relationship while coming out of the office bathroom after quitting time to find Dwight and Angela kissing,[28] although on an earlier occasion he unwittingly glimpsed Angela lying in Dwight's hotel room dressed in lingerie, but mistook her for a prostitute. On most occasions, Dwight and Angela will only talk at work in the kitchen, and when facing opposite directions.

In the episode "Fun Run", Angela asks Dwight to care for her sick cat, Sprinkles.[29] Instead of caring for the cat, Dwight feels it should be put down and feeds it antihistamines until it falls asleep and then places the sleeping but not dead cat in Angela's freezer.[29] This backfires, and Angela breaks up with him. This devastates and demoralizes Dwight. Jim, on a visit to Dwight's beet farm, finds Dwight sitting alone at night, contemplating Angela's cupid figurine and moaning in anguish.[21]

In the fourth season finale "Goodbye, Toby", Dwight is obviously hurt when Angela's boyfriend, Andy Bernard, proposes to her.[31] However, in the final scene of the episode (and the season), coworker Phyllis Vance comes back into the office following Toby's farewell party and catches Dwight having sex with Angela, strongly indicating a reconciliation between the two is very much in the cards.[31]

In the fifth season Premiere, "Weight Loss", Dwight and Angela have resumed a covert relationship, using a storage room in the warehouse to have sex whenever Angela finds Andy too unbearable. In "Business Ethics", it is revealed that it takes Dwight nineteen minutes and forty-eight seconds to make love to Angela. In "Crime Aid", Dwight once again becomes depressed when Andy and Angela have set a date for their wedding. Dwight gives Angela an ultimatum: call off the engagement or lose out on him. She ultimately says no to him.

After Phyllis tells everyone about the affair, Angela was under pressure to tell Andy but when she failed to do so, Michael stepped in and told him. A duel between Dwight and Andy took place where both realized Angela had been lying to them. Angela was left with no one by the end of the episode. Since then, Dwight and Angela have avoided each other but later episodes have hinted at a possible reconciliation. In the season 6 episode "The Delivery", Dwight, witnessing Jim and Pam talk to customers about their unborn child, begins to want a child and asks Angela to be the mother. While Angela seems excited by the reconciliation, Dwight doesn't appear to share those feelings. After arguments over a contract they have created regarding their child, the plan seems to have been put off.


Because of his authoritarian personality, Dwight worships his boss, viewing him as a model for success, and often jumps in on Michael's ill-conceived schemes.[3] He craves authority, and is thrilled when asked to handle any task given to him.[3] He has also been known to assume authority even when it is not handed to him.[3] Dwight does seem to understand sometimes that Michael views him with a large dose of contempt. With the exception of going over Michael's head to vie for the manager's job, his loyalty to his boss rarely flags. His ruthlessness also shows, given that Dwight isn't afraid to change jobs if it means more money, stating he'll go "where they value loyalty to the most". He also shows a drive to help Dunder Mifflin compete, going so far to help destroy a friendly family that runs a rival company in "Prince Family Paper", by chasing after Michael over their business leads when Michael chooses not to give the information to corporate because of his conscience. During Michael's meetings in the conference room, Dwight is sometimes seen taking notes.


Dwight feels threatened by Ryan, to whom Michael often assigns personal tasks, and he continues to resent Ryan, a temp, throughout the second season, often addressing him as "Temp,"[11] even after Ryan took Jim's job.[24] In the beginning of season 2, Dwight's friendship with Michael was slightly torn during one of the episodes when Michael must evaluate Ryan.[32] Dwight remained cautious. Dwight takes Ryan under his wing for his first sales call, although they get off to a rough start when Dwight has him undergo a series of bizarre initiation rituals. But soon after, Dwight takes Ryan on his first meeting, which ends in disaster and the two later egg the potential customer's building out of spite. During season 4, Dwight along with Michael, comes to Ryan's rescue when they visit him in New York City when he gets into a scuffle. The two later team up in season 6 when Dwight plans to take Jim down as branch co-manager.


He is frequently the victim of practical jokes by coworkers Jim Halpert and Pam Halpert, though he remains oblivious to Pam's involvement. As a result of this, Dwight and Jim have an ongoing feud that reaches a head in "Conflict Resolution", when Dwight threatens to quit unless Jim is transferred.[33] Professionally, Dwight wins the 2005 Salesman of the Year Award,[16] though this is likely due, at least in part, to his stealing Jim's largest client.[16]Dwight also steals a sale from Jim, which deprived Jim of his biggest commission of the year, having earlier sabotaged Jim's sales meeting with the client.[3]

Somewhat surprisingly, Dwight was regretful during "Initiation" as he told Ryan he and Jim never got along, and since that point and Jim's return from Stamford they have generally gotten along better.[6] Jim is annoyed when Andy replaces Dwight in the brief time Dwight has quit. Jim even consoled Dwight during the painful aftermath of his break up with Angela, although Dwight maintains a supercilious attitude towards Jim. Dwight did plan to demote Jim from the Assistant Regional Manager spot and make his life a living hell during "The Job" but Jim mocked his plans and they did not produce any concrete impact on Jim.[34]

Dwight's relationship with Jim mellows somewhat in later seasons, and they sometimes cooperate effectively on sales calls or running the office in Michael's absence. However, when Jim is promoted to co-manager, Dwight's enmity returns to full force and he conducts an ongoing campaign to depose Jim.


As a result of the Scranton-Stamford merger, Dwight loses his number two position to Jim and engages in an ongoing battle with new salesman Andy Bernard to gain Michael's favor as his right-hand man. The struggle comes to a head in "Traveling Salesmen".[1] In Season 4, Andy and Dwight work well together as a sales team, but Andy's successful pursuit of Angela after she broke up with Dwight was annoying to him. When Andy gets engaged to Angela, Dwight is greatly upset by this, and embarks on an affair with Angela. This affair culminates in a short lived fight between Andy and Dwight when they find out Angela has lied to both about sleeping with them. However by season 5, Andy and Dwight become friends and discover they both share a mutual interest in music and hunting.

Other relationships

A subtle running joke throughout the series is Dwight's surprising success with attractive women, with Michael often failing to "hook up" at the same time. Despite Dwight's unusual appearance and mannerisms, he manages to attract women who usually develop stronger feelings for him than vice versa. Michael Scott has even pointed out how socially weird Dwight is being, only for the woman to brush it off. In "Night Out", Dwight hooks up with a women's basketball player, while Michael fails in his attempts with a couple of women. As Michael and Dwight leave the club, the woman calls out for Dwight to call her, which he says to Michael that he will not do. In "Niagara", Michael and Dwight compete for the attention of Pam's best friend. When Dwight starts talking about his farm, Michael tries to explain that no one can connect with his experiences as farmer, only for Pam's friend to become interested in Dwight's horses. Dwight ultimately manages to sleep with her, and she even begins to develop deeper feelings for him which he does not return, although it is finally hinted in The Delivery that Dwight might have more intimate feelings for her than he originally let on.

Character reception

The Dwight Schrute character has had a very positive reception, and is often cited as one of the most popular characters on the show. According to Entertainment Weekly he is one of the "greatest sidekicks."[35] In an ABC News interview with Rainn Wilson, the interviewer commented that "Words barely describe Dwight Schrute, the suck-up salesman and assistant to the regional manager of the Scranton branch for the Dunder Mifflin Paper Company..."[36] and "Dwight, as played by the 41-year-old Wilson, has become one of the breakout characters in television comedy. Dwight is a survivalist geek, a student of karate who likes to shoot a crossbow and watch "Battlestar Galactica" on television. And he takes himself very, very seriously..."[36] E! News commented that Rainn Wilson should be nominated for an Emmy Award for his performance of Dwight, commenting: "...Who's laughing now? Who's laughing now, Dwight Schrute? Oh, only the ten million-plus people who watched as you pepper sprayed the living daylights out of Roy for trying to pop Jim in the face last night. My God, have I missed you, man. Mr. Schrute, you are the reason I love my job, my friend. It is the selflessly heroic actions of a man such as you that make television a nice place to be on a Thursday night. You may just be an everyday citizen who does not accept prizes for being a citizen, but you'd best be accepting a supporting actor Emmy nod this year, because, hot damn if you don't deserve it."[37]

Another positive review of the character was given by PopMatters, an online entertainment news site. The review stated: "One of the show’s ironies is that Michael and Dwight, hapless though they might be within the office or in most social settings, are actually top salesmen...Undeterred, or unaware of any of this, Dwight carries on with his dreams of grandeur, even instituting a reward system called “Schrute Bucks” for employees who please him during a brief but tyrannical reign as branch manager...Dwight approaches sales with the same militaristic fervor as everything else in his life, and it pays off for him (maybe that’s one of the reasons why, when Jim gives Dwight one of Benito Mussolini’s speeches to deliver when he accepts a sales award in Season Two, Dwight delivers it so enthusiastically that he gets a standing ovation)..."[38] The Devil Wears Prada have a song titled "Assistant to the Regional Manager" which they indirectly associate with Dwight by way of a T-shirt designs which strongly resembles him. It is named "Guy Wearing Tie."[39]

Outside of The Office

Bobblehead doll

Dwight bobbleheads sold out on the TBS website within hours of the initial release

In the episode Valentine's Day, Dwight is given a bobblehead doll as a Valentine's gift from Angela. When the bobblehead doll introduced in the episode was made available, it was a very big hit with fans.[40] Following the episode, fans of the show petitioned to NBC to make the bobblehead doll available for purchase on their online store.[41] NBC responded by creating an initial run of 4,000 bobblehead dolls, which sold out almost immediately.[41] The creator of the show, Greg Daniels, joked that the bobbleheads, saying "Yes, they are fun, but they also serve a business purpose. People who want to manage by consensus can buy six and keep them nodding all the time to whatever they say."[41] The item is currently sold on Amazon and the NBC store.


In "Halloween", Jim and Pam uploaded Dwight's resume to ", Craigslist, and Google."[42] A producer actually did create a Monster account for Dwight and uploaded his résumé a month before the episode aired. It can be found by employers with resume database access who search for salesmen in Scranton, Pennsylvania.[43] The résumé stated that he was willing to relocate to another state,[43] wanted a salary close to $30,000 (USD),[43] desired the job title of regional manager,[43] was currently "Assistant to the regional manager",[43] and had a Bachelor's Degree.[43] The posted résumé also stated: "My time spent at Dunder Mifflin was very enjoying. I had the opportunity to learn from an experienced and talented boss. My branch consistently was one of the top sellers of the company..."[43]

Schrute Farms

In "Money", Jim refers to a TripAdvisor page for Dwight's bed and breakfast. This can be found by searching for Schrute Farms.[44] Jim and Pam discover that Dwight is running the Schrute Farm as an "agritourism" Bed and Breakfast. They spend the night there, taking part in table-making demonstrations, beet wine-making, and distributing manure. That night, however, Jim finds Dwight moaning in depression over Angela. The Trip Advisor page said:

"Schrute Farms is the number one beet-related agrotourism destination in Northeastern Pennsylvania. We offer the finest accommodations for the casual traveler and/or beet enthusiast. Come join us and experience majestic Schrute Farms.[44]"

Jim and Pam ("JandP2") also posted a review, which can be seen on the reviews page. It read: "The architecture reminds one of a quaint Tuscan beet farm, and the natural aroma of the beets drifts into the bedrooms and makes you dream of simpler times. You will never want to leave your room. The informative lecture will satisfy all your beet curiosity, and the dawn goose walk will tug at your heart strings. Table making never seemed so possible. Great story to tell your friends. Plenty of parking! The staff’s attention to detail and devotion to cleanliness was limitless. From their enthusiastic welcome to the last wave good-bye, Schrute Farms delivers."[44]

An angry Angela also put a review up, and mentioned the death of her cat as a main cause for the review. It said: "I have to warn people about the proprietor of Schrute Farms - he may portray himself as a gentleman farmer, but he is not what he seems! He killed my cat, Sprinkles! Who knows what he might do to you or your loved ones..."[44]

Vice presidential bid joke

External videos
Rainn Wilson on The Tonight Show discussing the "nomination"

On the May 7, 2008 episode of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, US Senator and Republican Party presidential nominee John McCain joked that Dwight Schrute would be his vice presidential candidate choice.[45][46] Rainn Wilson appeared on The Tonight Show on May 14, 2008, and read to Jay Leno a list of demands from Dwight in exchange for being vice president.[47] Included in this list was being able to pilot Air Force One at any time, and only to be addressed as "Iceman" while piloting.[47] He also demanded that Jack Bauer be immediately promoted to United States Secretary of Defense, his bunker to include a foosball table and be zombie proof, and that the Secret Service members be armed with nunchucks, throwing stars, and flamethrowers.[47] Finally, he demanded a flamethrower, an Iron Man suit, and that fellow character Michael Scott be an "ambassador to Hawaii."[47]

Dwight in academic research

Researchers at Brigham Young University, Stanford and Northwestern University demonstrated that social outsiders, similar to Dwight's character, lead to better group decision making. Media accounts of their published study reported that having a Dwight Schrute around is good for business. Dwight was included in articles about the research by Time magazine[48], Toronto Globe and Mail[49], The Salt Lake Tribune[50] and Brigham Young University.[51]


  1. ^ a b c d e "Traveling Salesman", The Office Season Three (US/NBC Version), 2007, Los Angeles, CA: Universal Studios.
  2. ^
  3. ^ a b c d e f g h i j k Wilson, Rainn (Actor). 2005. "Pilot" [Commentary track], The Office Season One (U.S./NBC Version) [DVD], Los Angeles, CA: Universal Studios.
  4. ^ "The Office Season Three", (DVD) (US/NBC Version), 2007, Los Angeles, CA: Universal Studios.
  5. ^ a b c d e f g h "Drug Testing", The Office Season Two (US/NBC Version), 2006, Los Angeles, CA: Universal Studios.
  6. ^ a b "Initiation", The Office Season Three (US/NBC Version), 2008, Los Angeles, CA: Universal Studios.
  7. ^ a b c "The Fight", The Office Season Two (US/NBC Version), 2006, Los Angeles, CA: Universal Studios.
  8. ^ a b c The Office Season Two (DVD):"Blooper Reel" (US/NBC Version), 2006, Los Angeles, CA: Universal Studios.
  9. ^ Carroll, Larry (February 27, 2007). "Saturday Night Live: "Rainn Wilson/Arcade Fire" Review". IGN. Retrieved 2008-07-06. 
  10. ^ Holloway, Diane (2006-01-20). "The Dwight stuff". Cox News Service. Retrieved 2007-01-28. 
  11. ^ a b "Pilot",because of his admiration for his boss Michael Scott The Office Season One (US/NBC Version), 2005, Los Angeles, CA: Universal Studios.
  12. ^ Wolgemuth, Liz (March 13, 2008). "Jim Halpert and the First-Job Trap". U.S. News. Retrieved 2008-07-12. 
  13. ^ "Lecture Circuit", The Office Season Five (US/NBC Version), 2009, Los Angeles, CA: Universal Studios.
  14. ^ a b c "Grief Counseling", The Office Season Three (US/NBC Version), 2007, Los Angeles, CA: Universal Studios.
  15. ^ "Safety Training", The Office Season Three (US/NBC Version), 2007, Los Angeles, CA: Universal Studios.
  16. ^ a b c "Dwight's Speech", The Office Season Two (US/NBC Version), 2006, Los Angeles, CA: Universal Studios.
  17. ^ a b "The Client", The Office Season Three (US/NBC Version), 2007, Los Angeles, CA: Universal Studios.
  18. ^ a b The Office Season Three (DVD):"Dwight Schrute Music Video" (US/NBC Version), 2007, Los Angeles, CA: Universal Studios.
  19. ^ "Product Recall", The Office Season Three (US/NBC Version), 2007, Los Angeles, CA: Universal Studios.
  20. ^ a b "Launch Party", The Office Season Four (US/NBC Version), 2008, Los Angeles, CA: Universal Studios.
  21. ^ a b "Money", The Office Season Four (US/NBC Version), 2007, Los Angeles, CA: Universal Studios.
  22. ^ "Dwight Schrute's "Schrute-Space"- "HOW TO WORK WELL WITH OTHERS"". November 16, 2006. Retrieved 2008-07-06. 
  23. ^ a b "Take Your Daughter to Work Day", The Office Season Two (US/NBC Version), 2006, Los Angeles, CA: Universal Studios.
  24. ^ a b c "Dunder Mifflin Infinity", The Office Season Four (US/NBC Version), 2008, Los Angeles, CA: Universal Studios.
  25. ^ ""Dwight Schrute's Schrute Space"- "THE FALL IS HERE AND SO ARE WE"". September 12, 2006. Retrieved 2008-07-06. 
  26. ^ a b "Dwight Schrute's Schrute Space-"I Do Not Believe in Lycanthropes"". October 25, 2006. Retrieved 2008-07-06. 
  27. ^ a b "The Deposition", The Office Season Four (US/NBC Version), 2008, Los Angeles, CA: Universal Studios.
  28. ^ a b c d "The Negotiation", The Office Season Two (US/NBC Version), 2006, Los Angeles, CA: Universal Studios.
  29. ^ a b c "Fun Run", The Office Season Four (US/NBC Version), 2008, Los Angeles, CA: Universal Studios.
  30. ^ "Survivor Man", The Office Season Four (US/NBC Version) He also keeps a refle, 2008, Los Angeles, CA: Universal Studios.
  31. ^ a b "Goodbye, Toby", The Office Season Four (US/NBC Version), 2008, Los Angeles, CA: Universal Studios.
  32. ^ "Performance Review", The Office Season Two (US/NBC Version), 2006, Los Angeles, CA: Universal Studios.
  33. ^ "Conflict Resolution", The Office Season Two (US/NBC Version), 2006, Los Angeles, CA: Universal Studios.
  34. ^ "The Job", The Office Season Three (US/NBC Version), 2007, Los Angeles, CA: Universal Studios.
  35. ^ Ben Schott, Schott's Mischellany Calendar 2009 (New York: Workman Publishing, 2008), March 21.
  36. ^ a b Rooney, Bryan (September 7, 2007). "The Man Behind The Offices' Favorite Suck-Up, Dwight Schrute". ABC News. Retrieved 2008-07-09. 
  37. ^ Ghorsh, Korbi (April 6, 2007). "Fri., 4/6: Dwight Schrute Saves My Thursday". E! News. Retrieved 2008-07-09. 
  38. ^ Gilstrap, Andrew. "The Office: Season Three". PopMatters. Retrieved 2008-07-09. 
  39. ^ "Guy Wearing Tie". MerchDirect. Retrieved 2009-10-26. 
  40. ^ Wilson, Rainn (Actor). 2006. "Casino Night" [Commentary track], The Office Season Two (US/NBC Version) [DVD], Los Angeles, CA: Universal.
  41. ^ a b c "NBC Universal store sells 150,000 Dwight Schrute bobbleheads". NBC Press release. The Futon Critic. Retrieved 2008-07-07. 
  42. ^ "Halloween", The Office Season Two (US/NBC Version), 2006, Los Angeles, CA: Universal Studios.
  43. ^ a b c d e f g "Resume search: Dwight Schrute". Retrieved 2008-07-07. 
  44. ^ a b c d "Schrute Farms Bed and Breakfast". TripAdvisor. Retrieved 2008-07-07. 
  45. ^ Reston, Maeve (May 7, 2008). "Sneak Peek: Jon Stewart actually presses John McCain on a topic". Los Angeles Times. Retrieved 2008-07-07. 
  46. ^ "John McCain Pt. 2". Comedy Central. May 7, 2008. Retrieved 2008-08-10. 
  47. ^ a b c d "The Office: Dwight Schrute for VP". Retrieved 2008-07-12. 
  48. ^ "Why the Office Oddball Is Good for Business".,8599,1888696,00.html?cnn=yes. 
  49. ^ "Why every office needs a Dwight Schrute". 
  50. ^ "Study: Outsiders facilitate better decisions". 
  51. ^ "Hire a Dwight Schrute for a better-performing team, says study co-authored by BYU biz prof". 

External links


Up to date as of January 14, 2010
(Redirected to The Office (US) article)

From Wikiquote

The Office (2005–) is an American NBC situation comedy and mock documentary, based on the British show of the same name, set in a paper-products office in Scranton, Pennsylvania where Michael Scott manages a group of employees, and does a remarkably poor job of it.

The Office (UK) has a separate Wikiquote page.


Season 1

Pilot [1.01]

Michael: [re: downsizing] Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.

Michael: People I respect, heroes of mine, would be: Bob Hope, um, Abraham Lincoln, definitely, Bono... uh, and probably God would be the fourth one. And, I just think all those people really, uh, helped the world in so many ways, that it's, um, it's really beyond words. It's really incalculcable.

Diversity Day [1.02]

Michael: Abraham Lincoln once said that "If you are a racist, I will attack you with the North," and those are the principles I carry with me in the workplace.

Pam: [during a role-playing exercise; to Dwight, who's supposed to be Asian] Okay, if I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue and that I do not agree with, you would maybe...not be a very good driver.
Dwight: Aw, man! Am I a woman?

Health Care [1.03]

Jim: Wait, what are you writing? Don't write ebola or mad cow disease, all right? [Shows Pam his sheet; he has circled every disease on it] Because I'm suffering from both of them.
Pam: [Laughs] I'm inventing new diseases.
Jim: Oh, great.
Pam: So, like, let's say that my teeth turn to liquid and then they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?
Jim: I thought you said you were inventing new diseases. That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
Pam: Nice.

Dwight: OK, first let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael: Uh, none. You're picking a healthcare plan.

The Alliance [1.04]

Meredith: [reading her birthday card] This one's from Michael. "Let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age."
Michael: Get it? 'Cause of the downsizing. Rumors. And 'cause you're getting old.
Meredith: I... get it.

Michael: When I retire, I—I don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I want to be the guy who gives everything back. I want it to be like: "Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?" "Umm, well, uh, I don't know. It was anonymous." "Well, guess what? That was Michael Scott!" "But-- it was anonymous, how do you know?" "...Because I'm him!"

Basketball [1.05]

Oscar: [who is of Mexican descent] I can play basketball if you need any help.
Michael: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.

Michael: [trying to motivate the employees for a basketball game] I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that dwarf from Lord of the Rings.
Dwight: Gimli.
Michael: Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.

Hot Girl [1.06]

Dwight: The purse girl hits everything on my checklist: creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.

Roy: Hey Jimmy, what do you think about purse girl?
Jim: Cute, sure.
Roy: Why don't you get on that?
Jim: She's not really my type.
Roy: What are you, gay?
Jim: Mmm... I don't think so, nope.
Kevin: Well what is your type?
Jim: Moms primarily. Yup. Soccer moms, single moms, Nascar moms, any type of mom, really.
Roy: That is disgusting.
Kevin: Stay away from my mom.
Jim: Too late, Kev.

Season 2

The Dundies [2.01]

Michael: A lot of the people here don’t get trophies very often, like Meredith or Kevin, I mean who’s going to give Kevin an award, Dunkin’ Donuts? Plus, bonus, it’s really really funny. So I, you know, an employee will go home, and he’ll tell his neighbor, “Hey, did you get an award?” And the neighbor will say, “No man. I mean I slave all day and nobody notices me.” Next thing you know, employee smells something terrible coming from the neighbor’s house. Neighbor’s hanged himself, due to lack of recognition.

Pam: You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.

Sexual Harassment [2.02]

Michael: Attention everyone, hello! Yes, I just want you to know that this is not my decision but from here on out, we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here, we must only discuss work associated things. And uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.
Jim: Does that include "That's what she said?"
Michael: Mmm hmm, yes.
Jim: Wow. That is really hard. ...You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so...
Michael: That's what she said!

Dwight: [to Toby] You said we could come to you if we had any questions... Where is the clitoris? On the website it said "at the crest of the labia." What does that mean? ...What does the female vagina look like?
Toby: [talking head] Technically, I am in Human Resources, and Dwight was asking me about human anatomy. Um... I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly.

Office Olympics [2.03]

Dwight: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60-acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to the local stores and restaurants. It’s a nice little farm... sometimes teenagers use it for sex.

Dwight: I have been Michael’s number two guy for about 5 years, and we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like... Mozart's friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like... Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you’re gonna get a bullet in the head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

The Fire [2.04]

Michael: Yes, I was the first one out. And yes, I’ve heard "women and children first". But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweatshop, thankfully. And women are equal in the workplace by law. So if I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.

Dwight: I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted.

Halloween [2.05]

Phyllis: [to Dwight in costume] Are you a monk?
Dwight: I'm a Sith lord!!

Michael: [while on hold with Sherry] I wish I could fire Sherry.
Sherry: I'm still here, Michael.
Michael: Err... OK, Sherry. Thank you.

The Fight [2.06]

Dwight: I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War Two veteran. Killed twenty men then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father... battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.

Michael: Would I rather be feared or loved? Umm... easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

The Client [2.07]

Michael: [on the phone] I don't understand... you want to see other people? ...Only other people?

Jan: Do you always shut down the entire office when you leave for an hour?
Michael: No. No, that would not be efficient... Actually, they just don't get a lot of work done when I'm not here... That's not true. I know how to delegate. And they do more work when I'm not here... Not more... the same amount of work is done whether I am here or not.

Performance Review [2.08]

Michael: Pam, you're trustworthy.
Pam: Thank you.
Michael: And a woman.
Pam: Oh no.

Angela: I actually look forward to performance reviews. I did the youth beauty pageant circuit, and I enjoyed that quite a bit. I really enjoy being judged. I believe I hold up very well to even severe scrutiny.

Email Surveillance [2.09]

Dwight: I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections... there are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we're downriver from that old bread factory...

Jim: My roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm making Dwight up. [sighs] He is very real.

Christmas Party [2.10]

Phyllis: Everyone, this is my boyfriend Bob.
Kevin: Kevin Malone.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Stanley: Stanley Hudson.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan: Ryan Howard.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan: What line of work you in, Bob?

Michael: Happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame.

Booze Cruise [2.11]

Michael: You know what Brenda, could we have a moment alone?
Brenda: Jan said if you asked me that I was supposed to say no.

Jim: You know what? I would save the receptionist. Just wanted to clear that up.

The Injury [2.12]

Michael: What do I write under "reason for visit?"
Jim: Concussion. [Michael scratches something out] What'd you write?
Michael: ..."Bringing someone to the hospital."
Jim: Oh, you thought they meant your reason for visit.
Michael: No, you know what? This isn't about me anymore.

Michael: Pam, will you rub butter on my foot?
Pam: No.
Michael: Please? I have Country Crock.

The Secret [2.13]

Ryan: If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know that I'd ever been here. And I'd forget, too.

Pam: What did you guys talk about?
Jim: Oh, just you know—politics, literature... [holds up Hooter's T-shirt]
Pam: I hate you.

The Carpet [2.14]

Michael: I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and would applaud as I walked away.

Michael: Last week I would've given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would've reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them, but now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask so they can hear me say, "Uhh... no, I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney."

Boys and Girls [2.15]

Dwight: It's a terrible idea.
Jim: What is?
Dwight: Them in there all together. They stay in there too long, they're gonna get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing.

[Dwight and company are descending into the warehouse for a "mens-day"]
Dwight: Remember on Lost when they met "the Others"?

Valentine's Day [2.16]

Dwight: Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. Snare it. Then to keep it happy, you have to tame it. Feed it, care for it. Lovingly. The way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.

Jan: Nervous? No, I'm not nervous. Well, I mean, I guess I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little nervous. Um, the new CFO is judging me on this too. And, well, it is Michael. So... yeah, I’m very nervous.

Dwight's Speech [2.17]

Dwight: [giving a speech at a paper selling conference] BLOOD ALONE MOVES THE WHEELS OF HISTORY!

Dwight: When I was in the 6th grade, I was a finalist in our school spelling bee. It was me against Raj Patel. And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word "failure".

Take Your Daughter to Work Day [2.18]

Michael: Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and... I have a great one. "Little Kid Lover". That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.

Michael: This is Creed, and he is in charge of... something... right?
Creed: That is correct.

Michael's Birthday [2.19]

Dwight: [After he didn't tip the sub man] Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

Toby: Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from that e-mail?
Michael: You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed King of Nigeria e-mails you directly asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country, okay?

Drug Testing [2.20]

Angela: Do you want to give Michael your urine?
Dwight: [deeply sincere] I want him to have all the urine he needs.

Jim: Last week, Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. And as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is scarier than most people using drugs.

Conflict Resolution [2.21]

Dwight: Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffle bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

Jim : Dwight tried to kiss me.
Michael : What?
Jim : And I didn't tell anyone, 'cause I'm not really sure how I feel about it.
Dwight : That is not true. Redact it. Redact it!
Jim : Well, I'm not actually making a formal complaint. I just really think we should talk about it.

Casino Night [2.22]

Darryl: I taught Mike some, uh, some phrases to help with his interracial conversation. You know, stuff like, "fleece it out," "going mach 5," "dinkin' flicka." You know, things us Negroes say.

Michael: I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Jim: Oh, I think you mean the Aid to Afghanistan.
Michael: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael: What?
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael: That's a dog.
Pam: No, that's afghan.
Michael: That's a shawl.
Dwight: Wait, canine AIDS?
Michael: No, humans with AIDS.
Creed: Who has AIDS?
Jim: Guys, the Afghanistananis.

[In reference to Michael's plan to invite the boy scout troop that the proceeds will be donated to]
Toby: Actually they won't be here because it is a school night, it is in an industrial warehouse, there will be alcohol, gambling... do I need to continue or is that enough?
Michael: I hate... so much... about the things you choose to be.

Jim: I was just, um... I'm in love with you.
Pam: What?
Jim: I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that, I just—
Pam: What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?
Jim: I just needed you to know. Once.
Pam: Well, I, um—I can't...
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: You have no idea—
Jim: Don't do that.
Pam: —what your friendship means to me.
Jim: Come on. I don't want to do that. I want to be more than that.

Season 3

Gay Witch Hunt [3.01]

Ryan: Yeah, I'm not a temp anymore. I got Jim's old job. Which means at my ten year high school reunion, it will not say "Ryan Howard is a temp". It will say "Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a midrange paper supply firm". [pause] That'll show 'em.

Creed: I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the 60's I made love to many, many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain... and it's possible a man slipped in. [shrugs] There'd be no way of knowing.

The Convention [3.02]

Michael: I love inside jokes. I'd love to be a part of one someday.

Michael: Ain't no party like a Scranton party cause a Scranton party don't stop!

The Coup [3.03]

Dwight: [crying] The Sebring is cool! The Sebring is so cool! Please don't fire me Michael, I'll do anything!

Michael: Hey, I thought you weren't supposed to eat anything for a couple hours after you've had a crown put it?
Dwight: ...They have this new kind of quick-drying bonding.
Michael: Oh? sounds like a good dentist.
Dwight: Yeah...
Michael: What's his name?
Dwight: ...Crentist.
Michael: Your dentist's name is Crentist... huh. Sounds a lot like dentist.
Dwight: Maybe that's why he became a dentist?

Grief Counseling [3.04]

Michael: I lost Ed Truck... and it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears... and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer... and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone... and I'm crying, and nobody can hear me, because I'm terribly, terribly... terribly alone.

Dwight: When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.

Initiation [3.05]

Dwight: Just as you have planted your seed into the ground, I will plant my seed into you.
Ryan: I don't think you know what you're saying.

Pam: What time is it there?
Jim: What time is it here? Um, we're in the same time zone.
Pam: Uh, oh, yeah, right.
Jim: How far away did you think we were?
Pam: I don't know. It felt far.
Jim: ...Yeah.

Diwali [3.06]

Michael: And another thing about the Indian people, they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Who has seen that before?
Creed: I have. That's the Union of the Monkey.
Meredith: Oh, that's what they call it!
Kevin: This is the best meeting that we have ever had.

Karen: Andy! No a cappella!

Branch Closing [3.07]

Michael: It is an outrage, that’s all. They’re making a huge, huge mistake. Let’s see Josh replace these people. Let’s see Josh find another Stanley. You think Stanleys grow on trees? Well, they don’t. There is no Stanley tree. Do you think the world is crawling with Phyllises? Show me that farm. With Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place, ripe for the plucking. Show me that farm.

Angela: I don't want to blame anyone in particular. I think everyone's to blame.

The Merger [3.08]

Andy: I'll be the number-two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like a... carpenter... that makes stairs.

Dwight: Hello. I don't believe we've been introduced. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.
Andy: Andy Bernard, Regional Director in charge of Sales.
Dwight: So you'll be reporting to me then.
Andy: On the contrary.
Dwight: My title has "manager" in it.
Andy: And I'm a director. Which on a film set is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film?
Dwight: I know everything about film. I've seen over 240 of them.

Kelly: Jim! Oh my God, I have so much to tell you. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby, and they named it Suri! And Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie also had a baby, and they named it Shiloh! And both babies are amaziiiing!
Jim: Wow, so, uh, what's new with you?
Kelly: [blank stare] I just told you.

The Convict [3.09]

Dwight: I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals.

Michael: I'm Prison Mike! You know why they call me Prison Mike?!
Angela: Do you really expect us to believe that you're another person?
Prison Mike: Do you really not expect me to throw you up against that wall, biatch?!
Jim: Where did you learn all of this?
Prison Mike: Internet.
Jim: So, not prison.
Prison Mike: And prison. Fifty-fifty... both. Look, prison stinks is what I'm saying. It's not like you can go home and recharge your batteries, and come back in the morning and be with your friends, having fun in the office.
Jim: What did you do, Prison Mike?
Prison Mike: I stole. And I robbed. And I kidnapped... the President's son. And held him for ransom.
Jim: That is quite the rapsheet, Prison Mike.
Prison Mike: And I never got caught neither!
Jim: Well, you are in prison. But mmhmm.

A Benihana Christmas [3.10]

Dwight: [bringing in a dead goose] I accidentally ran over it. It's a Christmas miracle!
Toby: C'mon, Dwight, we talked about this: no dead animals in the office.

Michael: I'd like everybody's attention. Christmas is cancelled.
Stanley: You can't cancel a holiday.
Michael: Keep it up, Stanley, and you'll lose New Year's.
Stanley: What's that mean?
Michael: Jim, take New Year's away from Stanley.

Ryan: I miss the days when there was only one party I didn’t want to go to.

Michael: Bros before hoes. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho, and you told her that she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hoes in the world. And then suddenly...she's not yo' ho no mo'.

Michael: Why do I feel like crap?
Jim: You just had a rebound.
Michael: A rebound?
Jim: Yeah. Which, don't get me wrong, can be a really fun distraction, but when it's over... you're left thinking about the girl you really like— the one that broke your heart.

Back From Vacation [3.11]

Pam: [seeing a picture of Michael and Jan in Jamaica] Oh my God, is that Jan?
Michael: No... that's a German woman named... Urkel... grue.

Michael: Jan? You complete me.
Jan: ...Oh god.

Traveling Salesmen [3.12]

Michael: Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice... strike three.

Jan: And where it asks you to state your business he wrote, "Beeswax, Not Yours, Inc."

The Return [3.13]

Jim: I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win.

Michael: I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I am going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.

Ben Franklin [3.14]

Dwight: I don't care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure.

Michael: Guys! Beef: it's what's for dinner! Who wants some man meat?
Dwight: I do! I want some man meat!
Jim: Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.
Michael: Well then, my man meat he shall have.

Phyllis' Wedding [3.15]

Dwight: I saw "Wedding Crashers" accidentally. I bought a ticket for "Grizzly Man" and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Cause that’s the thing about bear attacks... they come when you least expect it.

Kelly: Are you all right? This must be so awful for you.
Pam: What do you mean?
Kelly: Well, this was supposed to be your wedding.
Pam: Oh, um, no, that's, um, it's actually fine.
Kelly: There's no way it's fine, I'm sorry. If I was you, I would just like freak out, and get really drunk, and then tell someone I was pregnant.
Pam: Okay, that's a lot of good ideas. Thanks.

Business School [3.16]

Dwight: Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, I do not do that thing.

Michael: There are four kinds of business: tourism, food service, railroads, and sales. And hospitals/manufacturing. And air travel.

Cocktails [3.17]

Jan: I am taking a calculated risk. What's the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self-loathing. Downside... I date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star. Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh my god, what am I saying?

Michael: I love you, Jan.
Jan: Okay.

The Negotiation [3.18]

Jim: I guess, all things considered, I was lucky Dwight was there. And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray, and not the nunchucks or the throwing stars.

Toby: I don't think Michael intended to punish me by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But, if he did intend that... wow. Genius.

Michael: It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed.

Safety Training [3.19]

Dwight: Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned?
Jim: Andy, Dwight says welcome back and he could use a hug.
Dwight: Okay, tell him that that's not true.
Jim: Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.
Dwight: Okay, no, Jim, tell him bears can climb faster than they can run. [Andy walks away] Jim! Tell him!
Jim: Andy... nah, that's too far.
Dwight: Damn you.

Michael: I saved a life: my own. Am I a hero? I really can’t say... but, yes.

Product Recall [3.20]

Creed: Every week, I'm supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And of course the one year I blow it off, this happens.

Andy: Beer me!
Jim: What's that?
Andy: Hand me that water. I always say, "Beer me." Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time.
Jim: Lord, beer me strength.

Women's Appreciation [3.21]

Dwight: I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.

Dwight: I know what you're thinking. Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take. Pam, you can draw, kind of, why don't you work with Phallus on drawing a picture of the exposer that I can post around the community.
Pam: Phallus?
Dwight: Phyllis, sorry. I've got penises on the brain.

Michael: There's a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me, I wished for Phyllis a plasma TV, I wished for Pam to gain courage, I wished for Angela a heart, and for Kelly a brain...

Beach Games [3.22]

Kevin: I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted.

Michael: Andy Bernard. Pros: he's classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don't really trust him.

Dwight: Sabotage.
Angela: What? You need a sandwich?
Dwight: No, that is what I said earlier. Now I'm saying sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team.
Angela: I know you said sabotage, I was giving you an example of it. I will misunderstand everything Andy says until he goes insane.
Dwight: If Michael organizes a group hug later, stand next to me.

The Job [3.23]

Michael: I have got it made in the shade. I know this company. The other branch managers are total morons. [calls Pam] Hey Pam, yeah. I forgot what day the interview was and I drove to New York accidentally. Be like three hours late.

Ryan: Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed's brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I've read some of it. Even for the Internet, it's... pretty shocking.

Dwight: Once I'm officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable, fictional, and overqualified.

Dwight: Don’t you want to earn Schrute bucks?
Stanley: No. In fact, I’ll give you a billion Stanley nickels if you never talk to me again.
Dwight: What’s the ratio of Stanley nickels to Schrute bucks?
Stanley: The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.

Pam: I haven't heard anything, but I bet Jim got the job. I mean, why wouldn't he? He's totally qualified, and smart, everyone loves him. And if he never comes back again, that's okay. We're friends. And I'm sure we'll stay friends. We just... we never got the timing right, you know? I shot him down and then he did the same to me, but you know what? It's okay. I am totally fine. Everything is going to be totally...
[Jim walks in on interview]
Jim: Pam. [to camera] Sorry. [to Pam] Um, are you free for dinner tonight?
Pam: Yes.
Jim: All right. Then... it's a date.
[Jim leaves. Pam smiles and tears up]
Pam: I'm sorry, what was the question?

Season 4

Fun Run [4.01]

Pam: [answering the phone] Michael Scott's Dunder Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness...
Michael: Pro-Am!
Pam: ...Pro-Am Fun Run Race For The Cure, this is Pam. They hung up.

Michael: I ran down Meredith in my car.
Ryan: Did you do this on purpose?
Michael: No, I was being negligent. But she's in the hospital. She's fine, recovering nicely. Tiny little crack in her pelvis. But she will be up in—
Ryan: Did this happen on company property?
Michael: Yes. It was on company property with company property, so... double jeopardy. We're fine.
Ryan: I don't think you understand how double jeopardy works.
Michael: Oh right, I'm sorry. What is, "We're fine?"

Michael: Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.

Angela: [after Dwight feeds her cat] Any problems?
Dwight: Well, you left the TV on. Also, your cat is dead.

Michael: Kelly, you're a Hindu, so you believe in Buddha.
Kelly: That's Buddhists.
Michael: Are you sure?
Kelly: No.

Dunder Mifflin Infinity [4.02]

Michael: Yeah, Ryan snapped at me. But there was this twinkle in his eye that I picked up on which said, "Dude, we're friends. I'm doing this for appearances. I am the big boss now. And I have to seem like an ogre. But you know me and you trust me. And we like each other. And we'll always be friends. And I would never take you for granted in a million years. And I miss you, man. And I love you." His words.

Creed: Hey, brah. I've been meaning to ask you. Can we get some Red Bull for these things? Sometimes a guy's gotta ride the bull, am I right? Later, skater.

Michael: Computers are about trying to murder you in a lake.

Dwight: [to Angela] I just wanna be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.


Launch Party [4.03]

Dwight: I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me but I never intended to use them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows. Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them.

Michael: It was a pretty disappointing day. It was kind of a slap in the face, to realize that I wasn't as important as I thought I was to a certain young executive. Who I had cared about. But you know, I'm not going to cry about it. I did that on the way home.

Angela: I can't do this. I can't do it.
Michael: Yes you can. I know you can. I wouldn't say it if I didn't 100% believe it. Who else could do this?
Angela: Okay. Okay.
Michael: No seriously, is there anyone else who could do it better? Because we don't have a lot of time.

Stanley: Find anything?
Kevin: I think it's a straight-forward kidnapping.
Oscar: Stanley, could you look up "accomplices"?
Stanley: Can't you guys do it?
Oscar: 'Cause we're looking up "jail time".

Jim: Do you remember what you said to me on my first day of work, just before you walked me over to my desk?
Pam: Yeah: "Enjoy this moment, because you're never going to go back to this time before you met your deskmate Dwight."
Jim: That's when I knew. You?
Pam: You came up to my desk and you said, "This might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed berry yogurt you're about to eat is expired."
Jim: That was the moment that you knew you liked me.
Pam: Yep.
Jim: Wow. Can we make it a different moment?
Pam: Nope.

Money [4.04]

Michael: We'll ask Powerpoint.
Oscar: Michael, this is a presentation tool.
Michael: You're a presentation tool!

Michael: Yes. Money has been a little tight lately. But, at the end of my life, when I'm sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No. I'm going to be thinking about how many friends I have, and my children, and my comedy albums. I mean, I have a yacht, so I obviously did pretty well money wise.

Dwight: As of this morning, we are completely wireless here on Schrute Farms. So as soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we can have power back on.

Dwight: My girlfriend and I broke up recently. And I must say, I am relieved. Gives me a chance to sow my wild oats. In the Schrute family, we have a tradition, where when the male has sex with another woman, he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his door step by his parents. You can use these oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. I don't care—they're your oats.

Jim: Did I ever tell you why I left Scranton?
Dwight: [sobs]
Jim: Yeah, I didn't think I had. Well, it was all about Pam. Yeah, I mean, she was with Roy... and I just couldn't take it. I mean, I lost it, Dwight. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate on anything. And then weird stuff, like, food had no taste. So my solution was to move away. It was awful. And it is something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. And that includes you.

Local Ad [4.05]

Dwight: Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user, virtual environment. It doesn't have points or scores. It doesn't have winners or losers.
Jim: Oh, it has losers.

Meredith: I'm excited about doing the ad, but I'm not really used to doing videos with so many people around.

Branch Wars [4.06]

Dwight: The eyes are the groin of the head.

Karen: Let me ask you. Did you accomplish what you wanted?
Dwight: Listen, lady. You can expect these kinds of repercussions as long as you keep trying to poach our people.
Karen: I'm taking Stanley.
Dwight: Then we will burn Utica to the ground.
Michael: Dwight! [clears his throat] Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them. And if you so much as harm a hair on Stanley's head... We will burn Utica to the ground.

Survivor Man [4.07]

Pam: [about the corporate retreat] Michael wasn't invited. Apparently they already knew everything they needed to know about him.

Michael: Ten years, you'll figure it out.
Jim: Well, I don't think I'll be here in ten years.
Michael: That's what I said. [Jim looks concerned] That's what she said.
Jim: That's what who said?
Michael: I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension. When things sort of get hard.
Jim: That's what she said.
Michael: Hey! Nice, really good. Bravo, my young ward.

The Deposition [4.08]

Kelly: I don't talk trash, I talk smack. They're totally different. Trash talk is hypothetical, like: Your mom is so fat she can eat the internet. But smack talk is happening like right now. Like: You're ugly and I know it for a fact 'cause I got the evidence right there.

Jan: People underestimate Michael. There are plenty of things that he is well above average at. Like ice skating. He is a very good ice skater.

Dinner Party [4.09]

Jan: I'm so, so sorry for the temperature in here. The, uh, sliding glass door shattered. It's actually a really cute story. Do you wanna tell it, babe, or should I tell it?
Michael: I don't like that story, babe.
Jan: Come on! It's a cute story. Michael ran through the sliding glass door because he thought he heard the ice cream truck.
Michael: Stop! Stop it! I mean... I like ice cream, okay? Sue me! Oh no, don't! I shouldn't say that jokingly because she will sue me. She loves to sue! She loves lawsuits. You know, honey, that door was extremely clean, and it looked invisible.
Jan: You are so right. You are SO right! Because before I lived here the glass was always covered with smudges and I moved in and I cleaned it and I guess that makes me the devil!
Michael: [laughing crazily] You are! She is! She is the devil! I'm in hell! I'm burning. Help me.

Michael: When I said that I wanted to have kids and you said that you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then, when you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn't so sure? Who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you definitely didn't wanna have kids? Who had it reversed back? Snip snap snip snap snip snap! I did! You have no idea the physical toll that three vasectomies have on a person! And I bought this condo to fill with children!
Jan: I am so sorry that I don't wanna bring kids into this screwed up world.
Michael: I am sorry too.
Jan: But look if you wanna have kids, then fine! You win! Let's have a f**king kid!
Michael: Do you mean it? You wanna have a kid?
Jan: I hate my life.

Chair Model [4.10]

Michael: What part of "shorn't" don't you understand?

Andy: I did this for the little guy. For Joe Six-pack. The guy who wakes up every morning in his $400 a month apartment, wonders how he's going to pay his mortgage; wonders how he's going to fill his car up with oil; wonders "How am I going to pay my kids' orphanage bills?" That guy shouldn't have to wonder where he's going to park.

Night Out [4.11]

Ryan: Do you have a question, Kelly?
Kelly: Yeah, I have a lot of questions. Number one: how dare you?

Pam: There is a spare key, and a master key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked "What if you die, Dwight, how will we get into the office?", he said "If I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks."

Did I Stutter? [4.12]

Creed: A lot of jazz cats are blind. But they can play the piano like nobody's business. I'd like to put the piano in front of Pam, without her glasses, and see what happens. I'd also like to see her topless.

Stanley: It's like I used to tell my wife. I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong. And if you don't like it you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife and I'll say it to my next one, too.

Job Fair [4.13]

Jim: Today, I am meeting a potential client on the golf course because Ryan put me on probation. You remember Ryan: he was the temp here. Yeah and, uh, it is not a good time for me to lose my job since I have some pretty big long-term plans in my personal life with Pam that I'd like her parents to be psyched about. So, I am about to do something very bold in this job that I've never done before: Try.

Pam: Do you remember you specifically told me to bring one sheet of paper? You said it only takes one sheet to make a difference. I said, "Are you sure, Michael?" And you said, "Pam! Pam! Pam!" And then you sneezed in my tea and then you said, "Don't worry, it's just allergies." Do you remember that?

Goodbye, Toby [4.14]

[Michael and Dwight discuss Holly, Toby's replacement]
Dwight: So what do we know about her?
Michael: Well, we know that Toby thinks she'll be great. So strike one, I hate her already.
Dwight: I hate her, too.
Michael: Why do you hate her?
Dwight: Because she... stinks. With her... ways. And her... head.
Michael: You know Dwight, sometimes... I dunno, I think you say things just to agree with me.
Dwight: Would that be such a bad thing?
Michael: Yeah, it would! Just have a thought! Have an original thought! Although I will agree that her head is weird.

Dwight: Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked.

Holly: [thinks Kevin is slow] Hi!
Kevin: Hi.
Holly: What do you do?
Kevin: I do the numbers.
Holly: Oh, good for you!
Kevin: You want an M&M?
Holly: Oh, no, that is so sweet. Thank you, though.
Kevin: I keep them here at my desk so that everybody doesn't take them.
Holly: Well, that is a very safe place for them.
Kevin: [smiling] Yeah.

Oscar: Well, this is what happened. Uh, Ryan's big project was the website. Which wasn't doing so well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice. Once as offices and once in the website sales, which is what we refer to in the business as misleading the shareholders. Another good term is fraud. The real crime, I think, was the beard.

Andy: Angela, will you do me the honor of giving me your tiny hand in marriage?
Angela: ...Okay.
Andy: Into the mic, sweetie.
Angela: I said, okay.
Andy: She said yes! [light applause from some people] And the crowd goes wild! Woo!

Season 5

Weight Loss [5.01]

Dwight: Wait a minute. One more bite of eclair each. Hold it in your mouth if you can't swallow.
Jim: [looks to Michael for a "That's what she said"] Really? Nothing?

Michael: What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.

Kelly: I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico.
[cuts to Creed in an interview]
Creed: That wasn't a tapeworm.

Ryan: Kelly.
Kelly: Oh, hello Ryan. You look well.
Ryan: I wanted to say I'm sorry... for treating you bad the past couple years. I was in my mid twenties and I was going through a lot of stuff. I think I never fully processed 9/11.

Michael: Thank you. Holly is right. People, this is not just about winning some extra vacation days. This is about a very cool HR initiative that if we don't follow, we are all going to die of obesity. So how much are we gonna lose?
Jim: I would like to lose 65 pounds.
Michael: Yes, all right. Who else? [to Angela] Can I put you down for 10 pounds?
Angela: No. My doctor wants me to gain weight.
Michael: If you gain weight, you will die. I want you to live forever. I want us all to live forever. How? How are we going to do this?
Jim: Cryogenics. Beer me five.
Michael: This is how we're gonna do it. Five pounds. I'm asking each of you to lose five pounds. That plus Jim's 65 will give us a very good chance at winning this thing.

Business Ethics [5.02]

Michael: I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me. And I think it's because they see me as one of them. But... cooler and with my life put together a little bit more. If a baby were President, there would be no taxes. There would be no war. There would be no... government, and... things could get terrible. And actually probably it would be a better screenplay idea then a serious suggestion.

Oscar: That isn't ethics. Ethics is a real discussion of the competing conceptions of the good. This is just the corporate anti-shoplifting rules.
Andy: I'll drop an ethics bomb on you. Would you steal bread to feed your family? ...Boom!
Oscar: Exactly, Andy.
Andy: Yeah, I took intro to philosophy, twice. No big deal.
Dwight: It's a trick question. The bread is poisoned. Also, it's not your real family. You've been cuckolded by a stronger, smarter male.
Andy: No, that's... not how it works.
Michael: I would not... steal the bread. And I would not let my family go hungry.

Baby Shower [5.03]

Jim: Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through delusion.

Stanley: I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They always complain. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles. I'm constantly hungry. Do you think my nipples don't get sore, too? Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?

Crime Aid [5.04]

Michael: In my opinion, the third date is traditionally the one where... you have sex. Does Holly feel that way? I don't know. I will probably find out tonight. If she starts having sex with me I'll know for sure.

Creed Bratton: Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name: Creed Bratton.

Employee Transfer [5.05]

Holly: It's been a weird week since we found out I had to transfer. Michael wanted me to quit and get some job here in Scranton, and I said, "Well, why don't you quit and get some job in Nashua?" And he said, "I asked you first." And I said, "First!" at the same time he did. And then I said "Jinx." And then we never talked about it again and haven't been back to the conversation. So...

Pam: [dressed as Charlie Chaplin] So apparently no one dresses up for Halloween here. I wish I had known that before I used grease paint for my mustache. And I can't even take off my hat... because then I'm Hitler.

Customer Survey [5.06]

Kelly: Get out of my nook, Dwight.
Pam: [heard through Jim's Bluetooth] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
Jim: Good one.

Michael: Kelly Kapoor is our dusky, exotic customer service rep. And once a year, she will contact our clients and find out how happy they are with our salespeople. Sort of a Kapoor's List. "Schindler's List" parody. ...That's not appropriate, no.

Business Trip [5.07]

Jim: Pam comes back from New York next week. And everyone here has just been so excited for me, and involved, and intrusive, and weird.

Dwight: [Interrupting Jim and Pam's kiss in the parking lot] You're back.
Pam: Uh, yeah.
Dwight: Good. [hands Pam a stack of papers] I need you to make five copies of these.
Pam: I'm not going inside.
Dwight: Alright, first thing in the morning then.
Jim: [to Pam] Welcome back.

Frame Toby [5.08]

Michael: I learned a while back that if I don't text 911, people will not return my calls. Uhhm, but now people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened.

Dwight: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier, it’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business; she’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come, and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada – I don’t trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard: I have a son, and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadéro. She’s been waiting for me all these years, she’s never taken another lover. I don’t care. I don’t show up. I go to Berlin. That’s where I stashed the chandelier.

The Surplus [5.09]

Michael: Why don't you explain this to me like I'm five.
Oscar: Your mommy and daddy give you ten dollars to open up a lemonade stand. So you go out and you buy cups and you buy lemons and you buy sugar. And now you find out that it only costs you nine dollars.
Michael: Ho-oh!
Oscar: So you have an extra dollar.
Michael: Yeah.
Oscar: So you can give that dollar back to mommy and daddy, but guess what? Next summer...
Michael: I'll be six.

Andy: What's that smell?
Dwight: You're going to need to be more specific.
Angela: It's manure. Dwight, you need to get the manure out of here.
Dwight: Manure covers up the smell of the slaughterhouse.
Angela: You're going to slaughter animals on our wedding day?
Dwight: You want to eat, don't you?

Moroccan Christmas [5.10]

Phyllis: Oh I don't think it's blackmail. Angela just does what I ask her to do so I won't tell everyone that she's cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be blackmail, it would have to be a formal letter.

Michael: As it turns out, you can't just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um. I think I can do it. I did it with Jan.

The Duel [5.11]

Jim: Andy still doesn't know that Angela's having an affair with Dwight. And it's been seventeen days. I mean, eventually he'll figure it out, when their kids have giant heads and beet-stained teeth. But right now it's just...awkward.

Michael: My philosophy is basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don't ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what. No matter...where. Or who, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or...or where you've been...ever. For any reason, whatsoever.

Prince Family Paper [5.12]

Jim: Okay, okay, okay. Why don't we just put this to a vote, and then we'll be done with it.
Angela: I'm not voting.
Jim: No one cares.

Dwight: Your heart is a wonderful thing, Michael. But it has made some terrible decisions.
Michael: That is true.
Dwight: Yes.
Michael: That is true. We have gone down the wrong path many, many times.
Dwight: Yeah.
Michael: Jan...Ryan.

Stress Relief [5.13]

Andy: [yelling] The fire is shooting at us!

Stanley: Did I want to come back? No, but I don't have enough money to retire and I'm too old to get another job. I feel like I'm working in my coffin.

Oscar: I think I'm basically a good person. But I am going to try to make him cry.

David Wallace: How could you possibly think this was a good idea?
Dwight: Many ideas were not appreciated in their time.
Michael: Electricity.
Dwight: Shampoo.

Jim: [regarding Pam's father] What did he say? Is it my fault?
Pam: Yeah. He said that you told him how much you love me. About how you feel when I walk in a room. And about how you've never doubted for a second that I'm the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. I guess he's never felt that way about my mom, even at their best.
Jim: You okay?
Pam: Yeah. [Cut to talking head] When you're a kid, you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are going to be right about that.

Lecture Circuit (Part 1) [5.14]

Pam: I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that al-Qaeda hates me. [pause] I think if they got to know me, they wouldn't hate me. But, Karen knows me, and she still hates me.

Dwight: Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.

Lecture Circuit (Part 2) [5.15]

Jim: Actually, when I was seven, my dad took me to the Natural History Museum in New York. And we looked at fossils all day. And at the end of the day, he got me a little plastic triceratops. It was awesome.
Dwight: That's cool. Hey, you know what's even cooler than triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed.
Jim: Didn't see that one coming.

Kelly: I'm too excited to sleep!

Blood Drive [5.16]

Pam: They have new phone systems now that can ring directly to a salesman, or someone presses star and they go to accounting, basically 95% of my job. But I'd like to see a machine that puts out candy for everyone. [pauses] Vending machine...

Michael: It's not a big deal really. I just, you know met somebody, we hardly talked, I picked up her glove so I was hoping I could give it back to her.
Kelly: Oh my God, that makes it even more romantic. This is like a modern day Enchanted, it's like a fairy tale.
Meredith: She could be your soul mate.
Dwight: Oh, not likely. 3 billion women on the planet, most of them live in Asia, so the numbers just don't add up.

Golden Ticket [5.17]

Dwight: Knock, knock.
Michael: Who's there?
Dwight: The KGB.
Michael: The KGB who? [Dwight slaps Michael]

Kevin: Lynn, I'm just going to say to you everything that I'm thinking.
Lynn: Okay.
Kevin: I think you have the best smile. I'd like to take you out to dinner and a movie.
Lynn: Okay.
Kevin: Nice. [looks down] Boobs.

New Boss [5.18]

Michael: This little hellraiser is Angela. She has slept with a bunch of different guys in the office. Right over there [points to Andy] in the orange.
Andy: Hey-oh!

Charles: No, it is not.
Michael: No, it is not.
Charles: Okay, so we're on the same page, great.
Michael: Okay, so we're on the same page, great.
Charles: Okay, Michael.
Michael: Okay, Michael.
Charles: No, seriously.
Michael: No, seriously.
Charles: How old are you?
Michael: How old are you?
[cuts to Pam in an interview]
Pam: I can tell Michael's mood by which comedy routine he chooses to do. The more infantile, the more upset he is. And he just skipped the Ace Ventura talking butt thing. He never skips it. This is bad.

Two Weeks [5.19]

Toby: Michael's like a movie on a plane. You know it's not great, but it's something to watch. And then when it's over, you're like, how much time is left on this flight? You know, now what?

Michael: Stanley!
Stanley: Can't you see I'm urinating?
Michael: Listen, listen, Stanley. You don't need to answer me now.
Stanley: No.
Michael: Just...I want you to think about it. I am starting my own company...
Stanley: No.
Michael: You're not letting me finish and you just lost out on a million dollars.
Stanley: No I didn't.

Dream Team [5.20]

Jim: Charles is having Kevin cover the phones for a while. How do I say this diplomatically...I think Kevin is doing exactly as well as anyone might have expected someone like him to perform in a position like that.

Bowling Alley Employee: [to Ryan] Get back to work, shoe bitch!

Michael Scott Paper Company [5.21]

Dwight: Listen, when I saw you talking to Erin earlier, I noticed that your pupils dilated and your skin flushed and, I'm assuming, a little bit of blood rushed into your penis. Well, a little bit of blood rushed into mine as well, so where does that leave us?

Michael: Maybe the Michael Scott Paper Company was a huge mistake. I should leave. I should go and start my own paper company. That'll show 'em.

Heavy Competition [5.22]

Andy: I know a few things about love. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things.

Dwight: You think this is some kind of game? No. This is a war. I will not stop, I will not rest. You have no idea what kind of enemy you've created. You have unleashed the wolf!
Michael: Be that as it may, I have your meatball parm sandwich here, and I am going to eat it.
Dwight: And I knew that you would do that. Their meatball parm is their worst sandwich!
Michael: [tasting the sandwich] Ah, bastard!

Broke [5.23]

Pam: When a child gets behind the wheel of a car and runs into a tree, you don't blame the child; he didn't know any better. You blame the 30-year-old woman who got in the passenger seat and said, "Drive, kid; I trust you."

Michael: I have no shortage of company names.
David Wallace: Michael...
Michael: That's one of them.

Casual Friday [5.24]

Creed: So hey, I wanna set you up with my daughter.
Jim: Oh, I'm engaged to Pam.
Creed: I thought you were gay.
Jim: Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?
Creed: I don't know.

Dwight: When held over heat, the invisible ink will reveal that everyone should meet at the warehouse immediately. Do not ask me where I got the invisible ink. [pause] Urine. It was urine.

Cafe Disco [5.25]

Jim: So this morning, we are having breakfast together...and I just looked up from my cereal and I said, "You know what I wanna do today? I wanna marry you."
Pam: I had just woken up. I didn't look cute. That's how I knew he meant it.

Dwight: This remedy has been passed down in my family for generations and it always works. My grandfather was told that Diamond Dancer would never race again. They were wrong. He came in ninth in the Apple Creek Derby. And his jerky came in third the following year. A majestic beast. So tender.

Company Picnic [5.26]

Michael: I lied to Kevin. Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together and I'm going to find the perfect moment today and I'm gonna tell her. [quickly looks at crinkled note and looks back up] Number one: "Holly, you and I are soup snakes." The...and the reason is...because, in terms of the soup we like to eat. That doesn't make any sense. [checks note again] We're soulmates! Holly and I are soulmates.

Michael: I didn't find the perfect moment because I think today is about just having today. And I think we're one of those couples who'll have a long story when people ask how we found each other. I will see her every now and then, and maybe one year she'll be with somebody and the next year I'll be with somebody and it's gonna take a long time... And then it's perfect. I'm in no rush.

Season 6

Gossip [6.01]

Andy: This is not the first time rumors about me being gay have come up. Twice before actually. Just a weird coincidence. A little too weird. Almost makes you wonder if it's not a coincidence at all! Whoa! Which it is, of course. But it makes you wonder.

Michael: How long have you known about the pregnancy? A week? A month? A year?
Jim: Michael, we only told our parents last week.
Michael: Did you pee on a stick?
Jim: I did. It was inconclusive.
Michael: You should've told me.
Pam: You're right. We should have realized that you are an equal part in this.

The Meeting [6.02]

Michael: I'm going in for a procedure today.
Oscar: Is everything ok?
Michael: Yeah. It's routine. I'm just a little bit scared.
Oscar: I'm sure everything will be fine. What's the procedure if you don't mind my asking?
Michael: It is a colonoscopy.
Oscar: Ok.
Michael: In your experience, what should I be expecting, in terms of sensation. Or, emotions. [pause] Is there anything I can do to make it more pleasurable for me or for Dr. Shandri. My main concern is should I have a safe word?
Oscar: Yeah. [leaves]

David Wallace: A cheese platter?
Andy: Oui, oui, monsieur. From the Wisconsin region: a nice, firm cheddar. Also from the great state of Wisconsin, an aged parmesan. Here you will find here a cheddar-style spread, which has reacted nicely with the air to form a light rind, which I believe you will find both challenging and delicious. At that point, I would recommend you take a quick trip south of the border to the great state of Illinois where you will find this fine blue cheese dressing. If I may be so bold, it's a lot of fun to let the Goldfish take a little swim in the blue cheese. Bon appétit.

The Promotion [6.03]

Oscar: Look, it doesn't take a genius to know that every organization thrives when it has two leaders. Go ahead, name a country that doesn't have two presidents. A boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes?

Michael: You know, what eats a large amount of the day are naps. You go to sleep it's light out, you wake up it's dark. That's the whole day. Where did that day go? I have no idea.
Jim: You mean on a weekend.
Michael: ...Yes.

Niagara [6.04]

Dwight: Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesn't like, she is screwed. It's amazing: a three ounce fetus is calling the shots. It's so bad ass.

Jim: I just wanna say how happy we are, that all of you are here tonight. And I want to especially thank those of you who have traveled from far away to be here with us tonight. Especially the Florida cousins, who obviously can't take a hint. Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl, who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing that I've ever had to do, which was just to wait. Don't get me wrong, I flirted with her. Pam, I can now admit in front of friends and family, that I do know how to make a photocopy. Didn't need your help that many times. And, uh, do you remember how long it took you to teach me how to drive stick?
Pam: Like a year!
Jim: I've been driving stick since high school, so... For a really long time that's all I had. Little moments with a girl who saw me as a friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl I work with, but I think even then I knew that...I was waiting for my wife.

Manager: Mr. Malone, your shoes are gone.
Kevin: They were stolen?
Manager: No, destroyed. When the bag was opened by our shoe shine, the smell overcame him. I too smelled them and made the choice that they must be thrown away. Incinerated actually.
Kevin: But that was my only pair of shoes.
Manager: It became a safety issue, sir.

Michael: They asked for cash but, you know, I give them cash every week. So, how much cash does a person need? I have taken it on myself to do something a little more special. I have painted a portrait of the two of them from memory. And I have another one of them in the nude. But that one is for me.

Jim: I bought those boat tickets the day I saw that YouTube video. I knew we'd need a backup plan. The boat was actually Plan C, the church was Plan B, and Plan A was marrying her a long, long time ago. Pretty much the day I met her.

Mafia [6.05]

Oscar: Pam and Jim are on their honeymoon, so there's not the usual balance between sane and others. Toby has mentally checked out since June. It's a very dangerous time. The "coalition for reason" is extremely weak.

Dwight: "R" is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it murder and not mukduk.

The Lover [6.06]

Jim: Oh, so Dwight gave me this wooden mallard as a gift. I found a recording device in it. Yes. So, I think if I play it just right, I can get Dwight to live out the plot of National Treasure.
Pam: You need to be more upset about this. She's your mother too now. Your mother is sleeping with Michael Scott.

Michael: I don't need to be friends with Pam. I have plenty of female friends. My mom. Pam's mom. My aunt, although she just blocked me on IM. What's-her-face from Quizno's? I see her four times a week.

Koi Pond [6.07]

Dwight: Jim is my enemy, but it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy. So actually, Jim is my enemy. But—

Michael: I'm not usually the butt of the joke. I'm usually the face of the joke. I wish Jim had fallen into that pond and he'd have to put on my suit and it'd be too short and he'd look...Dammit, he'd still look good.

Double Date [6.08]

Dwight: Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Geez. When did everyone get so cynical?

Michael: I am going to give you a raise.
Pam: Why?
Michael: Because of all the good work you've done.
Pam: I have the lowest sales record of anyone here.
Michael: That', no, it's not about numbers, Pam. It's about attitude.
Pam: I have the worst attitude of any person here.
Michael: Do you want the raise or what?
Pam: Yeah, I'll take it. [turns to leave]
Michael: Hey, Pam, Pam, with this raise there are strings attached. And the string is attached from my heart to your mean attitude.
Pam: You're bribing me?
Michael: No!, I am not. Unless you want me to. Do you want me to? 'Cause I will. I will bribe you. No. Your face is saying don't...unless I haven't offered you enough. Your face isn't changing. What is it? Talk to me, face. Tell me what Pam's brain is thinking. Come on! What do you want? What do you want? Do you want a million dollars? Do you want to hit me? Want me to get down on one knee and beg you or-
Pam: I want to hit you.
Michael: What?
Pam: I want to hit you. I'll do that.

Murder [6.09]

Jim: Co-managing is a give and take. You have to pick your battles. One of the battles that I picked was to stop Michael from running plastic tubes all over the office and placing hamsters inside of them. He was going to call it Tube City. So, yes, I do owe him one.

Pam: Bill Bourbon was my uncle. I would have never hurt him any more than I'd hurt a June bug.
Meredith: Nice accent. You sound like Forrest Gump.
Pam: I do not.
Andy: Well, you do actually. You've got this kinda like Florida Panhandle thing going, whereas what you really want is more of a Savannah accent, which is more like molasses just sorta spillin' out of your mouth.
Kevin: Ooooh, now do the Swedish chef.
Andy: Uh, not familiar. What province is he from?
Kevin: He lives on Sesame Street, dumbass.

Shareholder Meeting [6.10]

Michael: [in a limo] I wish the windows weren't tinted so people could see us in here.
Andy: Hey guys, do you think anyone might have had sex in here?
Michael: Definitely.
Dwight: Smells like it.
Michael: Definitely. Look they got pillows. That's bigger than my bed.
Dwight: Word.
Andy: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
[The limo driver raises the divider window]

Alan: There are many things to be optimistic about in Dunder Mifflin's future and one of them is here with us today. Michael Scott, Scranton Branch Manager.
Dwight: Yes!
Alan: In these uncertain times, Michael has managed to maintain steady profits from his Scranton branch. We all thank you, Michael. [little applause] Another bright spot in the Dunder Mifflin landscape, our new waste pulp re-purposing plant in Milford. [louder, more enthusiastic applause]

Scott's Tots [6.11]

Pam: Obviously, there's been some kind of mistake, so why doesn't Jim just pick the next highest score on the list and we'll move on.
Andy: That would be...employee #3, which is...son-of-a-bitch! Pam Halpert.
Phyllis: How is that possible? No offense, Pam, but how the hell is that possible?
Dwight: [feigning ignorance] There must be some reasonable explanation for this.
Pam: Oh, wait, come on! I didn't miss a day, I came in early, I stayed late, and I doubled my sales last month.
Andy: Oh, really? From what, two to four?
Pam: [in confessional] Yup!

Michael I just, I fell in love with these kids. And I didn't want to see them fall victim to the system. So I made 'em a promise: I told them if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education. I have made some empty promises in my life, but hands down that was the most generous.

Secret Santa [6.12]

Michael: David, guess who I am sitting here dressed as.
David: I'm not going to guess. You can tell me, or I will hang up.
Michael: I will give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards.
David: Michael...
Michael: I am Jesus, David, and you know why? Because Phyllis—a woman—has uslurped my role as Santa.

Jim: [to Michael] You can't yell, "I need this! I need this!" as you pin an employee down on your lap.


The Accountants (2006)

Kevin's Loan (July 2008)

The Outburst (Nov - Dec 2008)


External links

Wikipedia has an article about:

Got something to say? Make a comment.
Your name
Your email address