Eddie Izzard: Wikis


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Eddie Izzard
Izzard performing at the Lyric Theatre,
2 December 2008
Birth name Edward John Izzard
Born 7 February 1962 (1962-02-07) (age 48)
Colony of Aden, Aden Protectorate (now Aden, Yemen)
Medium Stand-up, television, film
Nationality British
Years active 1987–present
Genres Improvisational comedy, surreal humour
Subject(s) World history, pop culture, religion, language, human sexuality
Influences Monty Python, Billy Connolly, Lenny Bruce, Bill Hicks, Steve Martin, Richard Pryor, George Carlin, The Goons, Spike Milligan
Influenced Harry Hill[citation needed], Dara Ó Briain[citation needed], Demetri Martin[citation needed]
Notable works and roles Live at the Ambassadors

Definite Article
Dress to Kill
Lenny Bruce in Lenny
Wayne Malloy/Doug Rich in The Riches
Roman Nagel in Ocean's Thirteen
Mr. Kite in Across the Universe
Elected Honory President of Sheffield Students Union

Website http://www.eddieizzard.com/
Emmy Awards
Individual Performance In A Variety Or Music Program

2000 Dress to Kill
Writing In A Variety, Music Or Comedy Program
2000 Dress to Kill

British Comedy Awards
Top Stand-up

1993 Live at the Ambassadors
Best Stand-up
1996 Definite Article

Edward John "Eddie" Izzard (born 7 February 1962) is an English[1][2][3] stand-up comedian and actor. His comedy style takes the form of rambling, whimsical monologue and self-referential pantomime.

Izzard's works include standup sets Unrepeatable, Definite Article, Glorious, Dress to Kill, Circle, Sexie and Stripped. He had a starring role in the television series The Riches as Wayne Malloy and has appeared in many motion pictures such as Ocean's Twelve, Ocean's Thirteen, Mystery Men, The Cat's Meow and Across the Universe.

He has cited his main comical role model as Monty Python, and John Cleese once referred to him as the "lost Python." He is also known for his transvestism.[4]


Early life and career

Izzard was born in Aden, Yemen, then the Colony of Aden in the Aden Protectorate. Izzard was the youngest son of British parents Dorothy Ella, a midwife and nurse, and Harold John Izzard, an accountant who was working in Aden with British Petroleum.[5][6] A year after his birth, Izzard's family moved to Bangor in Northern Ireland[7] and lived there until Eddie was five. The family then moved to Skewen in South Wales. Eddie's mother became ill and died of cancer in March 1968, when Izzard was only 6 and his brother Mark was 8. After an education at St Bede's Preparatory School and at Eastbourne College, he began to toy with stand-up at the University of Sheffield with partner and friend Rob Ballard. After being ingloriously kicked off his accountancy degree course, he took his act into the streets. Having spent a great deal of the early 1980s working as a street performer in Europe and the United States, Izzard moved his act into the stand-up comedy venues of Britain, first appearing at The Comedy Store in London in 1987. He refined his material throughout the 1980s and in the early 1990s he finally began earning some measure of recognition, though not in the guise in which he would later become famous.

Success as a comedian

His stand-up work brought him British Comedy Awards in 1993 (for Live at the Ambassadors), a part in "Filth" which was a stand up presentation by left-wing sympathetic comedians in aid of raising money for the Terence Higgins Trust in 1994, and 1996 (for Definite Article). After the British leg of the tour, he took Definite Article to major cities outside the UK including a successful stint in New York City. However, his U.S. breakthrough did not really come until 1999, when Dress to Kill was shown on the American television channel HBO, about a year or so after he performed the show on tour in the U.S., the U.K. and France (that same year, he played a supporting role in the movie Mystery Men). Suddenly, America was aware of Izzard, and the show went on to earn him two Emmy Awards in 2000 (for performance and writing). However, he only rarely performs his stand-up act on television, as he says it uses up material at too high a rate whereas stage material can be continually re-used in front of different audiences for several months.

In 2005, Izzard provided the voiceover (again, in his unique 'rambling' style) for the British government's series of television advertisements promoting recycling. The tagline of the ads was "Recycle. The possibilities are endless!"

In January 2006, the U.S. television network FX announced the production of a new drama series called The Riches (formerly Low Life). Izzard and British actress Minnie Driver star as a married couple, Wayne and Dahlia Malloy, who have been part of a caravan of con-artist Irish travellers swindling their way across the U.S. with their children. After finding another family killed in a car accident, the Malloys assume their identities and start a new life as law-abiding suburbanites in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. The youngest son has shown a preference for wearing girls' clothing, leading to some speculation that the role was based upon Izzard's experiences. Izzard has stated in several interviews that the character of Sam had been given transvestite tendencies long before he was cast as Wayne Malloy, but he has contributed his perspective to keep the character believable.

Izzard also performed with Scottish musician Midge Ure at Live8 in Edinburgh, Scotland. He played the piano accompaniment for the song "Vienna".

Theatrical, TV and film appearances

In 1994, Izzard made his West End drama debut as the lead in the world premiere of David Mamet's The Cryptogram with Lindsay Duncan, in the production at London's Comedy Theatre. The success of that role led to his second starring role in David Beaird's black comedy 900 Oneonta. In 1995, he portrayed the title character in Christopher Marlowe's Edward II.

Izzard portrayed comedian Lenny Bruce in the 1999 production of Julian Barry's 1971 play Lenny. In 2001, he replaced Clive Owen in Peter Nichols' 1967 play A Day in the Death of Joe Egg at the Comedy Theatre. Izzard and Victoria Hamilton then repeated their lead roles when the show was brought to Broadway in 2003, with The Roundabout Theatre Company production. The revival received four Tony Award nominations including Best Revival of a Play, Best Leading Actor and Actress for its stars Izzard and Hamilton in their Broadway debuts, and Best Direction for Laurence Boswell.

Izzard has appeared in numerous films, starting with 1996's The Secret Agent. He has appeared as several real-life individuals, including Charlie Chaplin in The Cat's Meow, film director Gustav von Wangenheim in Shadow of the Vampire and General Erich Fellgiebel in Valkyrie. Other roles have included Mr. Kite in Across the Universe, Lussurioso in Revengers Tragedy and criminal expert Roman Nagel in Ocean's Twelve and Ocean's Thirteen. Voice work has included the titular It in Five Children and It, Nigel in The Wild and the mouse warrior Reepicheep in The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian. He will not be reprising the role in The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader, leaving the role voiced by Bill Nighy.

Izzard appeared in the BBC science fiction miniseries The Day of the Triffids based on the 1951 novel, alongside Jason Priestley, Vanessa Redgrave, Joely Richardson, Dougray Scott and Brian Cox.[8]

Comic style

Izzard's style is heavily influenced by Monty Python, especially in his use of a stream-of-consciousness delivery that jumps between topics as he free associates on stage. He does not generally work from a script, owing to his dyslexia. Instead, he interrupts himself with new joke ideas, the characters he portrays turn into other characters, and he nonchalantly leaps from historical analysis to musings about household appliances. This often results in brief pauses in the routine which he fills with 'so, yeah,' and other verbal tics that have become his trademarks. Thinking aloud is also part of Izzard's ongoing attempt to make the process of writing the show itself part of the humour. As he put it in a 2004 interview with The Guardian, "It's the oral tradition. Human beings have been doing it for thousands of years".[9] He frequently notes the reaction to a joke midstream by miming writing on his hand ("Should be funnier" or "Lost them there" or "They didn't believe me" or "They didn't follow, never do that again."), asks the audience questions, and verbally engages with hecklers.

Among Izzard's comic talents are mimicry and mime. He portrays God as an authority figure using the voice of James Mason and Noah as Sean Connery, impersonations of whom appear in all of his performances. Izzard also imitates activities such as sawing wood, vacuuming, and mowing the lawn, anthropomorphizing the machines with accents and personalities. Successful impressions, such as his Scottish clarinet teacher, Mrs. Badcrumble, become running gags which recur in different shows. He tackles topics both contemporary and historic, including frequent re-imaginings of historical events which result in scenes like 'Cake or Death: Church of England runs the Inquisition,' or 'Jesus Ministers to the Dinosaurs.'

When asked about his comedy style by George Stroumboulopoulos, host of CBC Television's talk show, The Hour, Izzard described his use of history by saying,

"I just talk complete bullshit. The history, the politics, I noticed that no one was using history, so there's a lot of history lying about the place, and it's all free, and it's on Wikipedia! You know, I use Wikipedia like a crazy idiot, now. Then I take all this stuff, and I regurgitate it into a weird angle".[10]

In 2008, in his Stripped tour, Izzard began using Wikipedia itself as part of his stand-up act, reading from a live copy of an article (via an iPhone) and mocking Wikipedia's self-referential editorial style. To date, he has read from a variety of different articles.

Traditionally, Izzard has focused on the creative possibilities of thinking through absurd situations in real time. He also turns much of the attention on himself and his personality, including his cross-dressing ("It is my manifest destiny to wear a dress on all seven continents"). Contemporary pop culture (Harry Potter, Star Wars, etc.), is also a frequent subject, brought up both to critique its weaknesses and to enhance his anecdotes.

His bent towards the surreal even went so far as to produce a sitcom called Cows in 1997 for Channel 4, a live action comedy with actors dressed in cowsuits.[11]


Eddie Izzard performing Sexie

In his show, Dress to Kill, Izzard describes himself as an "executive," "action" and "professional" transvestite, as "a male tomboy" rather than a "weirdo" transvestite (he cites J. Edgar Hoover and Hermann Göring as examples of the latter) or drag queen[citation needed]. He regularly cross-dresses both on and off stage and makes it clear that cross-dressing is, for him, neither a part of his performance nor a sexual fetish[citation needed]— he simply enjoys wearing make-up and clothing that is traditionally perceived in the West as female-only[citation needed]. He remarks in his show Unrepeatable, "Women wear what they want and so do I." According to Izzard, "Most transvestites fancy women." [Dress to Kill, 1999] He dismisses claims that he is a male homosexual, saying he is "a straight transvestite or a male lesbian."[12] He has also described himself as "a lesbian trapped in a man's body,"[13] transgender,[14] and "a complete boy plus half a girl."[12]


Izzard has engaged in campaigning work. He is especially well-known as a pro-European Union campaigner supporting the further integration of the UK into the EU. In May 2005 he appeared on the BBC's political debate show Question Time, describing himself as a 'British-European', comparing this with other cultural identities such as 'African-American'. As part of his integration campaigning, he was one of the first people to spend a euro in London. This pan-European approach has influenced his work: he regularly performs in French, an acquired language, and occasionally in German, in addition to English. In July 2003, Izzard received an honorary Doctor of Letters by the University of East Anglia in Norwich, England for "pro-Europe campaigning", "his contribution to promoting modern languages and tolerance of other cultures and lifestyles" and for having "transcended national barriers" with his humour.[15]

He has also campaigned unsuccessfully against the closure of the departments of Drama and Languages, Linguistics and Translation at the University of East Anglia. In 1998, Izzard was named in a list of the biggest private financial donors to the Labour Party.[16] He appeared in a party political broadcast for the Labour Party in the run up to the 2005 general election. He donated nearly £10,000 to the party in 2008[17] and appeared again in a party political broadcast for the 2009 European election.

On 20 July 2006, he received an honorary doctorate in Letters from the Faculty of Arts at the University of Sheffield,[18] where he spent one year on an Accounting and Financial Management course in the early 80s. During his time at the University he established the now-defunct Alternative Productions Society in the Union of Students with the aim of promoting fringe-based arts. On 4 March 2010 he was elected as the Honorary President of the University of Sheffield Union of Students.[19]

On 7 July 2007, Izzard was one of the presenters from the London leg of Live Earth. During an interview for the 2008 Stripped tour, Izzard spoke about becoming more active in European politics as well as running for political office in Europe within the next decade. Izzard added a stop in New Orleans during his 2008 Stripped tour. All proceeds from the June 23rd, 2008 performance were donated to Neighborhood Housing Services of New Orleans.[20]


On 27 July 2009, Izzard began a seven-week marathon run through the UK to raise money for Sport Relief, carrying a flag for each country in which he ran, from London to Cardiff to Belfast to Edinburgh and back to London. Eddie Iz Running is a document of his road running marathon, in which he ran 43 marathons in 51 days. He completed the run on 15 September 2009 and won the special award at BBC Sports Personality of the Year 2009 for his achievements.[21]

Following the completion of the marathon runs Izzard has started training to take part in an Ironman Triathlon, stating 'I have (become fascinated with fitness) because there's no point in throwing away all that training'.[22]

Critical reception

On 18 March 2007, Izzard was listed as number 3 of the 100 Greatest British National Comedians (just behind Peter Kay at number 2 and Billy Connolly at number 1) as part of British television station Channel 4's ongoing 100 Greatest... series.[23] In a 2005 poll to find The Comedian's Comedian, Izzard was voted amongst the top 20 greatest comedy acts ever by fellow comedians and comedy insiders. He was number 75 in Comedy Central's 100 Greatest Stand-ups of All Time. During the 1999 television special It's... the Monty Python Story,[24] which Izzard hosted, John Cleese said Izzard was the "Lost Python"; Izzard furthered that idea via his substitution for Graham Chapman in public performance of Python material with the rest of the original members of the troupe. In 2008, Izzard received the James Joyce Award of the Literary and Historical Society. In March 2010, the Students Union of the University of Sheffield overwhelmingly elected him their honorary President.

Discography and appearances




Upcoming films

TV appearances

Video game

  • 102 Dalmatians: Puppies to the Rescue - Sgt. Tibs the Cat (voice)

Future projects

At a personal appearance in Los Angeles for the biopic "Believe", Izzard was asked "what was supposed to happen at the end of The Riches?" He explained that any ending that might one day come to be written would most probably be made as a movie.

He is also writing an account of the 43 consecutive marathons he ran in 2009, which will be called Marathon Man.[25]

See also


  1. ^ "Eddie Izzard: 'We need Europe to be a melting-pot. We need to melt'". News.independent.co.uk. 2006-05-16. http://news.independent.co.uk/people/profiles/article484984.ece. Retrieved 2009-04-17. 
  2. ^ By Marty. "Interview: Eddie Izzard". Martyflanagan.com. http://martyflanagan.com/?p=102. Retrieved 2010-01-21. 
  3. ^ http://www.auntiemomo.com/cakeordeath/oxford.html
  4. ^ Chris Roberts, Heavy Words Lightly Thrown: The Reason Behind Rhyme, Thorndike Press, 2006 (ISBN 0-7862-8517-6)
  5. ^ "Eddie Izzard Biography (1962-)". Filmreference.com. http://www.filmreference.com/film/72/Eddie-Izzard.html. Retrieved 2009-04-17. 
  6. ^ James, Caryn (2008-03-16). "Eddie Izzard's Master Plan". New York Times (The New York Times Company). http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/16/arts/television/16jame.html?_r=1&pagewanted=2&ref=arts&oref=slogin. Retrieved 2008-04-18. 
  7. ^ "Biography / Eddie Izzard". Eddieizzard.com. http://www.eddieizzard.com/eddie/biography/view.php?Chapter=1. Retrieved 2009-04-17. 
  8. ^ Last Updated: 2:56PM GMT 11 Feb 2009 (2009-02-11). "Vanessa Redgrave to star in BBC's The Day of the Triffids". Telegraph. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/4592119/Vanessa-Redgrave-to-star-in-BBCs-The-Day-of-the-Triffids.html. Retrieved 2009-04-17. 
  9. ^ "'Mentally, I'm all boy - plus extra girl' | | guardian.co.uk Arts". Guardian. http://www.guardian.co.uk/arts/features/story/0,11710,1318280,00.html. Retrieved 2009-04-17. 
  10. ^ The Hour. [TV-Series]. Canada: CBC Television. 2007. Event occurs at 7m. http://www.cbc.ca/thehour/video.php?id=1562. 
  11. ^ "cake or death: an eddie izzard site :: the biography". Auntiemomo.com. http://www.auntiemomo.com/cakeordeath/themannew.html. Retrieved 2009-04-17. 
  12. ^ a b "Eddie Izzard: The tough transvestite who can take care of himself", The Independent, 23 May 2004, http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/profiles/eddie-izzard-the-tough-transvestite-who-can-take-care-of-himself-564108.html, retrieved 2008-11-22 
  13. ^ Comic Izzard promoting life story, BBC News (May 17, 2004. Retrieved on November 22, 2008.
  14. ^ Garfield, Simon. Frock tactics, The Observer (May 27, 2001). Retrieved on November 22, 2008.
  15. ^ "University of East Anglia: Events and News: Eddie Izzard". 2007. http://www1.uea.ac.uk/cm/home/schools/hum/llt/eventsandnews/Eddie+Izzard. Retrieved 2008-03-26. 
  16. ^ "'Luvvies' for Labour". http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/161057.stm. 
  17. ^ "Feature: Political celebrities". Politics.co.uk. http://www.politics.co.uk/features/opinion-former-index/legal-and-constitutional/feature-political-celebrities-$1238735.htm. Retrieved 2009-04-17. 
  18. ^ "Latest News". Shef.ac.uk. http://www.shef.ac.uk/alumni/news/izzard.html. Retrieved 2009-04-17. 
  19. ^ "Elections Results 2010". University of Sheffield Union of Students. http://www.shef.ac.uk/union/student-voice/elections10/. Retrieved 2010-03-05. 
  20. ^ "Eddie Izzard Adds New Orleans to Tour; Show to Benefit Housing Services - St. Tammany Art Association - NorthShoreNOLA - NOLA.com". Blog.nola.com. 2008-06-10. http://blog.nola.com/staa/2008/06/eddie_izzard_adds_new_orleans.html. Retrieved 2009-04-17. 
  21. ^ "Eddie Izzard given BBC Sports Personality special award". BBC Sport. 13 December 2009. http://newsvote.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/tv_and_radio/sports_personality_of_the_year/8406078.stm. Retrieved 13 December 2009. 
  22. ^ "Izzard To Tackle Ironman Triathlon". uk.imdb.com. 2008-12-04. http://uk.imdb.com/news/ni1260952/. Retrieved 2009-12-04. 
  23. ^ "100 Greatest Comedy Stand-ups vote from". channel4.com. http://www.channel4.com/entertainment/tv/microsites/C/comedy_standups/results/results.html. Retrieved 2009-04-17. 
  24. ^ "It's... the Monty Python Story (1999) (TV)". Imdb.com. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0220292/. Retrieved 2009-04-17. 
  25. ^ "Marathon Man | Agency for Authors | Conville & Walsh Ltd". Convilleandwalsh.com. http://www.convilleandwalsh.com/index.php/titles/title/marathon-man/. Retrieved 2010-01-21. 

External links


Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

Eddie Izzard (born 1962-02-07, in Yemen) is a British comedian and actor.



  • In my first year I was taught about the slide rule. They said, "The slide rule is important. Without it you can do nothing. The slide rule is the modern weapon of efficiency. With the slide rule you can get from here to the stars. Buy it, use it – your slide rule!" Within one year it was, "Burn the slide rule. The calculator can add up with none of this fucking sliding the shit around and working out where that bit in the middle goes. Smash it over your head."

Live at the Ambassadors (1993)

  • Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion – they're two words which are both … different. In spelling.
  • Agatha Christie? We go back years, me and Ag. She's a … she's just a … she's dead, isn't she?
  • She said, "Spell 'ant' ", and I wrote out the entire alphabet. She said, "That doesn't spell 'ant' ", and I said, "It's in there somewhere! There's the A, there's the N, there's the T – the rest are silent!"
  • And we're going, "Oh, Captain Clever! Whoa-ho-ho! Rattle it, and if it doesn't go off, it can't be a bomb!"
  • And in the back, behind there, not giving a damn … and all the bright colours and stuff just drops off when you get to this section. White wrap-up, big red letters; LARD! Eat this shit and die! LARD! Kills you stone dead! The blood move through your arteries, block it up with LARD! Nutrional advice? No! Proteins? What the hell are they? Carbonhydrade? Never heard of them, Gov! Fat? You bet your bum! We've got some some of that, yes sir! Oh, we're full of that, mate … [later on] Remember that campaign for butter, "Welcome back to butter"? "Welcome back to LARD!" We never went nowhere! Just been sitting at back, quietly waiting … like Jack Nicholson …

Unrepeatable (1994)

  • I am two lesbians in a man's body.
  • We throw sticks at dogs, that's the level we have dogs at. You'd never dream of throwing one for a cat. We throw sticks for dogs, and dogs go, "Oh, he's dropped his stick! I better go and get that. [mimes chasing after the stick] Saw you dropped your stick there, thought I'd bring it back. And you – hang on! [mimes giving the stick back and follows it with eyes as it's thrown again] Did you see me just bring that back? And then you … you dropped it again? This is very weird. I don't know what's going on here. [mimes bringing the stick back again] Now, hang on to it this time, I don't want to piss about all the time. You think I enjoy this? There you … don't fucking throw it!" That's why the third time, when they come back, they won't give it to you. They go, [through clenched teeth] "No … I won't let you take it!"
  • Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.
  • You have no control over your cat! You can't say to your cat, "Cat, heel! Stay! Wait! Lie down! Roll over!" 'Cause the cat's just gonna be sitting there going, "Interesting words … have you finished?" While you're shouting all this to your cat, your dog's next to you, going … [mimes obeying all commands] "What the hell are you doing? I'm talking to the cat!" "Oh, I'm sorry!"
  • And cats leap up walls! Six foot walls, they just go … *fwang* [mimes cat jumping] Lands perfectly, and turn … turn … and back flip and forward flip, and dismount! They always land perfectly, they never do that sort of wobbly-gymnast … [mimes wobbling] You never see cats on a wall having a problem, do you? You never see a cat going, [mimes tentative walk] "Fucking 'ell! I'm not sure about this …" and a cat on the ground, going, "Easy, Ginger! I'll walk you down!"

Definite Article (1996)

  • "My name is Mrs. Smith, I've made apples out of bread and dripping, a bit of green paint, and corrugated iron." "No, these are horrible apples, Mrs. Smith. Go away, Mrs. Smith! Go away until your daughter has a baby." "Shag, daughter, shag! It's a marketing idea, shag for babies! [mimes running back] My daughter's had a baby, I'm Granny Smith now!" "Come in, Granny Smith! You wonderful idea, you! Come in with your shiny apples."
  • Pears can just fuck off too. 'Cause they're gorgeous little beasts, but they're ripe for half an hour, and you're never there. They're like a rock or they're mush. In the supermarket, people banging in nails. "I'll just put these shelves up, mate, then you can have the pear." … So you think, "I'll take them home and they'll ripen up." But you put them in the bowl at home, and they sit there, going, "No! No! Don't ripen yet, don't ripen yet. Wait til he goes out the room! Ripen! Now now now!"
  • What? … The Carthaginians are attacking? God, I knew they'd do that. What? … They are attacking over the Alps? Damn, I knew they'd do that. What? … They're coming on elephants? … Where'd they get the elephants? There aren't any elephants in Europe. This I got to see … are you sure? … It's not just a typo mistake? Perhaps the Carthaginians are attacking over the Alps and they are in their element? Kind of upbeat, you know. They're coming on fucking elephants, huh.
  • If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid.
  • Day One: Rang bell, cat fucked off. (Oh dear.)
    Day Two: Rang bell, cat went and answered door.
    Day Three: Rang bell, cat said he had eaten earlier. (Cheeky bugger.)
    Day Four: Went to ring bell, but cat had stolen batteries.
    Final Day – Day Five: Went and rang bell with new batteries, but cat put his paw on bell so it only made a thunk noise. Then cat rang his own bell.
    I ate food.
    • On Pavlov's cats

Glorious (1997)

  • Beekeepers, yes … they've gotta want to be – "I want to be a beekeeper! I wanna keep bees! Don't wanna let them get away; I wanna keep them! They have too much freedom … I want bees on elastic, so when they get pollen, they come back here! My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper before him; I wanna walk in their footsteps." And their footsteps were like this: [running wildly from imaginary bees] "I'm covered in bees!"
  • [God, who was James Mason, to Noah] "Noah, stop what you're doing and build me an ark!" [Noah, who was Sean Connery] "I'm working on a speed boat at the moment. Much more exciting. It'll really kick ass, give great photographs for the people in Bible."
  • So then God created the world, and on the first day he created light and air and fish and jam and soup and potatoes and haircuts and arguments and small things and rabbits and people with noses and jam – more jam, perhaps – and soot and flies and tobogganing and showers and toasters and grandmothers and, uh … Belgium. And the second day he created fire and water and eggnog and radiators and lights and Burma and things that go "urh" and … and Colonel Gaddafi and Arthur Negus. On the third day he probably got lists and said, "I can't remember what I've invented now. I've just been ad-libbing so far."
  • "Give us cash! I steal from the rich and give to the poor! I'm trying to be a myth; give us cash!" "No, I'm not gonna give you cash." "Go on, I steal from the rich. Are you rich?" "No, I'm … comfortable." "That's no good, I can't steal from the fairly well off and give to the moderately impoverished! That's not gonna swing, is it?"
    • On Robin Hood
  • I don't have techno-fear, I have techno-joy! I love technology! I love to get a new machine. Every time I get a new machine, I think, "This is the one! I won't have to work again; I've got this thing!" And if you have techno-joy, you get the instructions, you unwrap it, and you throw the instructions out the window! [mimes doing so] Forget them! Fuck 'em! [mimes turning on a computer] On. [mimes typing] I must know how this works, I've used machines before!

Dress to Kill (1998)

  • We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain!" They're going, "You can't claim us, we live here! Five hundred million of us!" "Do you have a flag …? No flag, no country!"
  • Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym. Your diary must look odd: 'Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death – lunch – death, death, death – afternoon tea – death, death, death – quick shower …' "
  • They went to the Moon and they brought back rock. Trouble is, we've got rock. That was the one thing we didn't need, wasn't it? "Rock, Neil? I don't know whether you looked at the planet before you took off, but it's made of fucking rock!" "But it's Moon rock …" "Oh, fucking hell, this is Earth rock, Neil, come on! Have you heard, on the stock market, rock's gone up three points? No, it hasn't, has it? 'Cause it's fucking rock!"
  • His name changed from Gerry Dorsey to Engelbert Humperdinck. I mean, I just wanted to be in the room when they were working that one through: "Zingelbert Bembledack! Yingybert Dambleban! Zangelbert Bingledack! Wingelbert Humptyback! … Slut Bunwalla!" "What?!" "All right, Kringelbert Fishtybuns! Steviebuns Bottrittrundle –" "No, Gerry Dorsey! I like Gerry Dorsey!" "No, we can't, who we got? Zingelbert Bembledack, Tringelbert Wangledack, Slut Bunwalla, Klingybun Fistelvase, Dindlebert Zindledack, Gerry Dorsey, Engelbert Humptyback, Zengelbert Bingledack, Engelbert Humperdinck, Vingelbert Wingledanck –" "No, no, go back one!"
  • I had to chat up girls, and I'd only tagged them before. I didn't have the verbal power to be able to say, "Susan, I saw you in the classroom today. As the sun came from behind the clouds, a burst of brilliant light caught your hair, it was haloed in front of me. You turned, your eyes flashed fire into my soul, I immediately read the words of Dostoyevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, 'I fancy you.' " But no! At 13, you're just going, " 'Ello, Sue. I've got legs. Do you like bread? I've got a French loaf. [mimes smacking her with the loaf and dashing off] Bye! (I love you!)"

Circle (2000)

  • The Crusades were, "We kill you in the name of Jesus!" "Wait, we have Jesus, too! He's a prophet in our religion! We kill you in the name of Jesus!" "Do you? … Well, we kill you for your dark skin, for Jesus was a white man from Oxford!" "No, he wasn't! He was from Judea! Dark-skinned man, such as we!" "… Really? Look, we've come all this way. Would you mind awfully if we hacked you to bits? Just for the press back home."
  • Pope Pius XII was meant to go and castigate Hitler for being a [air quotes] "Genocidal Fuckhead … [air quotes again] with bunny rabbit ears". But he didn't, he wimped out, and for that history has renamed that Pope as "Pope Gutless Bastard I."
  • There's 200,000 gods in Hinduism … and they've got gods like Shiva, the God of Creation and Destruction. Which is a good god to be, 'cause you can go *whoom* [creates thing] "What do you think? Do you like that? You don't like that?" *whoom* [destroys thing] If you're just the God of Creation, you're going *whoom* "Do you like that? You don't? All right, I'll put it in the garage … shit, I haven't got a garage!" *whoom* [creates garage]
  • Makeup's just crazy, anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did all right for them until, uh … well, until you killed them all, I suppose.
  • But there must've been a Death Star canteen, yeah? There must've been a cafeteria downstairs, in between battles, where Darth Vader could just chill and go down: "I will have the penne all'arrabbiata." "You'll need a tray." "Do you know who I am?" "Do you know who I am?" "This is not a game of who the fuck are you. For I am Vader, Darth Vader, Lord Vader. I can kill you with a single thought." "Well, you'll still need a tray." "No, I will not need a tray. I do not need a tray to kill you. I can kill you without a tray, with the power of the Force, which is strong within me. Even though I could kill you with a tray if I so wished, for I would hack at your neck with the thin bit until the blood flowed across the canteen floor." "No, the food is hot. You'll need a tray to put the food on." "Oh, I see, the food is hot. I'm sorry, I did not realize."

Sexie (2003)

  • So … uh … I'd better explain the tits. Um … didn't have those at school. Wanted to, but not in the school curriculum … even though I asked.
  • No matter how much makeup I wore, people just kept saying "Yes, sir! Would you like tea with that, sir?" "Yes, I would like tea. Why don't you put it on my breasts?" "Certainly. Tea for this man's breasts! Anything else, sir?"
  • So, I thought, it's not working. So I threw my breasts out of the window of my Lamborghini, in my mind … no, I threw the breasts out of the window of my Ford Fiesta, in my mind. Actually, I threw them out over the handlebars of my bicycle [mouthing the words] in my mind. And they hit a small child, who ran, "Mum, mum, mum … I've been attacked by … jellyfish!"
  • Racist people, interestingly, are never as polite as smokers. Have you noticed that? Smokers always go, "Do you mind if I smoke? Oh, you do? Okay, I'll go outside and have a cigarette." Racist people never go, "Do you mind if I'm racist? Oh, I'll go outside … fucking blue people, eh? Coming here, steal our hamsters …"
  • Homo Sapiens wouldn't have made it, and everything would be different! Television would be … you know, Book of the Month club on television would be:
    Neanderthal presenter: "And now we have the professor … uh … whaddayou think of this book?"
    Neanderthal professor: "Wha' …?"
    Presenter: "What do you think of this book, in a critical way?"
    Professor: "It's all right …"
    Presenter: "There you have it. It's all right!"
    • On the consequences if Neanderthals had not become extinct

Stripped (2009)

  • So I've learnt that the world is 4500 million years old. If you're very religious, then it's not 4500 million years old, it's 6000 years old. One of these is not correct.
  • And I think that if God did exist, he had many children. I think Jesus proves this. Jesus must be the seventh son of God. A-sus, B-sus, C-sus, D-sus, E-sus, F-sus, G-sus. That's just logic. That's just Math-sus. And Tease-sus would always be fucking about. And Pizz-sus does deliveries. Caes-sus started the Roman Empire. Cae-sus. F-sus, City in Turkey. Bee-sus was covered in something. Some people applauding there; other people going, "What?" ... Bee-sus was covered in bees.
  • Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss of kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.
  • And the Greeks, they had democracy, two Greek words. "Demos" means people, and "ocracy" is a kind of inflatable cat full of helium going, "Vote now, vote now."
  • [Talking about the royal family] 'Cause they got in at '52, and then immediately the Queen introduced the new … then in the '60s, the Queen decided to change the way that … and she encouraged people to … and in the '70s she completely redistributed … and realised she had too much wealth, so she decided to … then in the '80s, they set up a charity to do … and then they encouraged other people to … and in the '90s, they just totally relaxed, and they said, "Everyone, why don't you …" And then in the 2000s, they've set a great example by … stop me at any point. I think she's got 20 years left. She's in there, but she essentially does what she does on the stamps.

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Eddie Izzard
Born February 7, 1962 (1962-02-07) (age 49)
Aden, Yemen

Eddie Izzard (born February 7, 1962, in Aden, Yemen) is a British actor and stand-up comedian. He has acted in movies and television. He is known for his strange comedy and for being a transvestite (he sometimes wears women's clothes).

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