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Extras
Extras title card.jpg
Format Situation comedy
Created by Ricky Gervais
Stephen Merchant
Written by Ricky Gervais
Stephen Merchant
Directed by Ricky Gervais
Stephen Merchant
Starring Ricky Gervais
Ashley Jensen
Stephen Merchant
Shaun Williamson
Shaun Pye
Ending theme "Tea for the Tillerman"
by Cat Stevens
Country of origin United Kingdom
No. of series 2
No. of episodes 13
Production
Camera setup Single camera
Running time approx. 30 min. (regular episodes)
90 min. (series finale)
Broadcast
Original channel BBC Two
Original run 21 July 2005 – 27 December 2007

Extras is a British sitcom about extras working on film sets and in theatre. The series was co-produced by the BBC and HBO, and is created, written, and directed by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant, both of whom also star in it. Extras charts the lives of Andy Millman, his friend Maggie Jacobs and Andy's substandard agent and part-time Carphone Warehouse employee Darren Lamb, as Millman rises to fame.

Extras has two series of six episodes each as well as a Christmas Special. The first episode aired in the UK on 21 July 2005 on BBC Two and on 25 September 2005 on HBO in the US. The second series premiered in the UK on BBC Two on 14 September 2006 and began airing in the US on HBO and in Australia on ABC on 14 February 2007.[1] The Christmas Special aired on 27 December 2007 on BBC Two and on 16 December 2007 on HBO. Both series are available on DVD in the UK and the US.

The series is filmed in a more traditional sitcom style than the mockumentary style used by Gervais and Merchant in their previous series The Office. Each episode has at least one guest star; a television or film celebrity, who play what Gervais and Merchant have referred to as "twisted" versions of themselves;[2] an exaggerated or inverted parody of their famous public personas.

Contents

Cast and characters

Episodes

Series one

# Episode celebrity guest star(s) Original airdate
1 "Ben Stiller" Ben Stiller July 21, 2005 (2005-07-21)
Andy and Maggie are playing extras in the film Ben Stiller is directing, which is based on the life of Goran, an Eastern European man whose wife and son were killed in the Balkans War. Andy attempts to get a speaking part by befriending Goran, who eventually gets Andy a spoken line. However, Andy gets in an argument with Stiller just before shooting his scene and is kicked off the set. Maggie, meanwhile, takes an interest in one of the crew but it goes wrong after Andy points out that her would-be beau has one leg shorter than the other. 
2 "Ross Kemp and Vinnie Jones" Ross Kemp and Vinnie Jones July 28, 2005 (2005-07-28)
Andy is working on a television period drama starring Ross Kemp. Andy's rival, Greg, is working on a film with Kemp's rival, footballer Vinnie Jones, in the adjacent studio building. Kemp claims he has had SAS training and tells Andy that he is more of a "hard man" than Jones. Millman then relays this information to Greg, his rival, who himself tells Jones. Angered by this, Jones later confronts Kemp, who denies having said anything, and cowers at Jones's threats. After this embarrassment, Kemp admits to a disillusioned Andy that none of his prior claims were true and that wherever he works, he's bullied, contradicting his reputation as a hard man. 
3 "Kate Winslet" Kate Winslet August 4, 2005 (2005-08-04)
Working as extras on the set of a World War II Holocaust film, Andy and Maggie befriend the star, Kate Winslet, who hopes to secure an Oscar win with her role as a nun (coincidentally, she later won an Oscar for her role in the 2008 Holocaust film The Reader). Maggie is in a relationship with a set assistant who wants her to talk dirty with him over the phone, but Maggie has no idea what to say. Winslet helpfully volunteers explicit advice for Maggie on the subject, but Maggie's boyfriend later dumps her when he catches Andy and Winslet making lewd gestures behind his back. Meanwhile, atheist Andy takes a liking to a fellow extra who is a Catholic, so he claims to be Catholic as well in order to get closer to her. However a "get together" with her and "some friends" turns out to be Bible study group and Andy's deceit is exposed, despite Andy's bravest efforts to conceal the truth. 
4 "Les Dennis" Les Dennis August 11, 2005 (2005-08-11)

Andy's agent secures him the role of the (very camp) Genie in a pantomime version of Aladdin starring Les Dennis. Dennis is engaged to the much younger Simone Reynolds (Nicky Ladanowski) but is also on the verge of a breakdown due to the many setbacks in his career. When Andy discovers Les' fiancée cheating with a stagehand, he becomes very protective of Les and at first tries to keep him from finding out. But when Les decides maybe it would be best if he splits up with Simone, Andy reveals the truth about her. Devastated, Les stops in the middle of the first performance of the pantomime to berate the futility of his life and the lack of enthusiasm from the crowd.

Maggie comes to visit Andy during rehearsal and bumps into an old friend, Lizzie Bunton (Rebecca Gethings), who is dancing in the chorus line. Lizzie then recalls how they first met working together on the BBC children's drama "The Orphans of Penny Farthing Lane". Her closeted gay father, "Bunny" (Gerard Kelly), the play's director, is very controlling of Lizzie's life and treats her like a child. Maggie is invited to Lizzie's birthday party, which she reluctantly agrees to attend. She finds out on arrival she is 30 years younger than all the other guests. Bunny admonishes his daughter, Lizzie, for messing up a rendition of "Making Your Mind Up" by Bucks Fizz during the party. Lizzie then tells Bunny she's not happy pursuing a showbiz career. Maggie is soon asked to leave the party after encouraging her friend to find her own way in life. 
5 "Samuel L. Jackson" Samuel L. Jackson August 18, 2005 (2005-08-18)

Samuel L. Jackson is starring as a maverick American cop in a UK police thriller and a fellow extra (Steve Speirs) forfeits the opportunity to do a scene with Jackson for Andy's benefit. When the fellow extra uses the favour as an excuse to befriend Andy, Andy resorts to lies and pathetic excuses to shake him off. The man's insistence eventually causes Andy to cave in and have dinner with his colleague, though Andy feels obliged to assure the other restaurant patrons that he and his dinner companion are not a couple. But the man's sad, depressing demeanor proves to be too much, and a frustrated Andy ends up plunging his face into his soup after being invited to the Ben Elton musical "We Will Rock You" before abruptly leaving.

Maggie is attracted to a young mixed race actor. Despite some initial misunderstandings due to her over-sensitivity about race, she successfully asks him out on a date, but further misunderstandings end the date early. When she chats with Jackson on set the day after, she confuses him with Laurence Fishburne. Andy tries to save the ailing conversation but only succeeds in making things significantly worse, resulting in Andy forfeiting the line he had earlier managed to get with Jackson. 
6 "Patrick Stewart" Patrick Stewart August 25, 2005 (2005-08-25)

Andy and Maggie are working on a production of Shakespeare's The Tempest alongside Patrick Stewart. Eager to get his sitcom script noticed, Andy gives a copy to Stewart, who in turn tells Andy about his own script: a lewd film in which he will star. Stewart agrees to circulate Andy's script, and the BBC invite Andy for a meeting.

Andy is asked to rewrite his script with staff writer/producer Damon Beesley (Martin Savage) with a view to a pilot episode being filmed. But when Andy complains to Maggie about how annoyingly camp Damon can be, and she later repeats Andy's apparently homophobic remarks to Damon, the BBC threaten to pull the plug on Andy's show. After Andy apologizes to Damon, Damon forgives him and work on the pilot resumes. The conflict in the second series of the BBC meddling with Andy's sitcom is hinted at when Damon insists that Andy's old boss' saying "Are you 'avin' a laugh?" should become a catchphrase for the show. 

First series episode order

When the first series was first broadcast in the UK, the episode featuring Ben Stiller was broadcast first, followed by the Ross Kemp and Vinnie Jones episode the following week. When the series was repeated over the Christmas holiday 2005, the episodes were returned to their intended order, with Ross Kemp first, followed by Stiller. The first series DVD, released in the UK on 31 October 2005, also preserves this same order, along with the Extras script book.

When the first season is shown in North America another order is used:[3]

  1. Kate Winslet
  2. Ben Stiller
  3. Ross Kemp/Vinnie Jones
  4. Samuel L. Jackson
  5. Les Dennis
  6. Patrick Stewart

This episode order was maintained for the North American DVD release, issued on 9 January 2007.

Series two

# Episode celebrity guest star(s) Original airdate
7 "Orlando Bloom" Primary: Orlando Bloom
Secondary: Keith Chegwin, Liza Tarbuck & Sophia Myles
September 14, 2006 (2006-09-14)
Andy's new sitcom, When The Whistle Blows, is being filmed, whilst Maggie appears as an extra in a courtroom drama with Orlando Bloom and Sophia Myles. The audience find the heavily-rewritten sitcom funny but Andy, forced to wear glasses and a wig, feels like he has sold out, particularly when dim-witted and un-PC Keith Chegwin is cast in a cameo role. The character Keith is cast as was meant to be played by Paul Shane, but Shane declined the role of Alfie, stating the show was "too broad".
Meanwhile, Orlando Bloom refuses to believe that Maggie does not find him attractive and waxes lyrical about his dislike for Johnny Depp
8 "David Bowie" Primary: David Bowie September 21, 2006 (2006-09-21)
The critical response for When the Whistle Blows is entirely negative but Andy gets encouragement from the public as he is recognised in the street and in his local pub - though he isn't eager to endlessly repeat his catchphrase from the show. Shaun Williamson takes Andy to a celebrity bar he used to frequent, where Andy is all too briefly treated as a VIP. While there, Andy tries to talk with David Bowie, who proceeds to make up a song ridiculing him, so Andy goes back to his local to seek recognition from the people he had previously disdained. 
9 "Daniel Radcliffe" Primary: Daniel Radcliffe, Warwick Davis
Secondary: Diana Rigg, Phillip Schofield, Fern Britton, Nick Ferrari, Matthew Wright, Lowri Turner, Richard & Judy, Russ Ramsey
September 28, 2006 (2006-09-28)

Andy receives a bit part in a new fantasy film starring Daniel Radcliffe, who fancies himself a teenage Lothario and tries to seduce every woman he meets - including Maggie. Over lunch, Radcliffe invites himself to join Andy and Maggie and accidentally flicks a condom onto the head of Dame Diana Rigg.

Andy takes Maggie out for a meal and inadvertently offends the mother of a Down's syndrome teenager in a restaurant, leading to an increasingly hysterical reaction in the British media, who take his comments out of context. Andy manages to quell the anger, but back on the film set, he gets into a fight with actor Warwick Davis over remarks Andy privately made to Maggie - which she later repeats to Davis's fiancée. During the altercation, Andy accidentally knocks Davis unconscious, leading to the loss of his bit part and further embarrassment from the tabloids. 
10 "Chris Martin" Primary: Chris Martin
Secondary: Ronnie Corbett, Richard Briers, Moira Stuart, Davina McCall, Patricia Potter and Stephen Fry
October 5, 2006 (2006-10-05)

Andy makes a charity appeal video and meets Chris Martin from Coldplay, who appears as a shameless self-promoter interested only in advertising his album. Martin requests to make a cameo on When the Whistle Blows and appears on the show to play "Fix You." (Martin also sings the outro "Tea for the Tillerman" in the episode; and in the US version, after the end credits, Martin and Gervais - in character as Ray Stokes - perform a rendition of "Fix You" together.)

Despite angry reviews at the shameless celebrity appearance on his sitcom, Andy is nominated for a BAFTA. During the award ceremony, Andy manages to upset both Richard Briers and an ex-girlfriend, who goes on to humiliate him from the stage. Co-nominee Stephen Fry wins the award in Andy's category and privately rebukes Andy for his sitcom's use of laughter tracks, silly wigs and catchphrases. Andy, Darren Lamb and Ronnie Corbett are banned from future BAFTAs after they are caught with Darren and Ronnie's drugs. Moira Stuart's scene is not included in the US version. 
11 "Sir Ian McKellen" Primary: Sir Ian McKellen
Secondary: Germaine Greer, Mark Kermode and Mark Lawson
October 12, 2006 (2006-10-12)

With the critical reaction to his sitcom getting more scathing, Andy is desperate for any role to show his credibility. He is recommended to Ian McKellen, and is cast in a play about a homosexual relationship - "A Month of Summers". With his yobbo school friends turning up for the first night, and McKellen's sudden decision that he should kiss his male co-star, Andy feels increasingly uncomfortable to the point of leaving the play midway through the first performance.

Darren asks Maggie on a date, which comes to an awkward conclusion. 
12 "Robert De Niro" Primary: Robert De Niro
Secondary: Jonathan Ross and Robert Lindsay
October 19, 2006 (2006-10-19)

Convinced that he has outgrown his sitcom and his agent, Andy becomes detached from his friends after appearing on Friday Night with Jonathan Ross and becoming friends with Ross.
Despite making excuses, Andy is coerced into visiting a boy who is in hospital with cancer and asks Maggie to go with him. Robert Lindsay, who appeared on the Ross show with Andy, is incensed that he, the more famous and talented actor (according to him), was not asked to visit the ailing child and gate-crashes the scheduled visit. Lindsay becomes livid when the sick child shows no recognition of Lindsay's earlier work, especially his appearances as Wolfie on 70s sitcom Citizen Smith.

Andy is determined to fire Darren Lamb for incompetence, until Darren tells Andy he has arranged a meeting with his idol Robert De Niro. The meeting time conflicts with one of Andy's scheduled visits to the sick boy, but guilt at the burden he is imposing on Maggie combined with his suspicion of Darren's empty promises forces Andy to keep his appointment with the boy at the cost of meeting De Niro. Lamb is able to pacify De Niro with a pornographic biro, and at the hospital, Andy receives a call from Lamb and De Niro, who invite Andy to meet up at a pub, which he and Maggie accept. 

Christmas Special: Extras: The Extra Special Series Finale

# Episode celebrity guest star(s) Original airdate
13 "Episode 3.1" Lionel Blair, Dean Gaffney, Toby Foster, Hale & Pace, George Michael, Clive Owen, Gordon Ramsay, Lisa Scott-Lee, Chico Slimani, June Sarpong, Vernon Kay, Karl Pilkington, and David Tennant. December 27, 2007 (2007-12-27)

After three seasons of When the Whistle Blows, Andy is more famous than ever. He can get a table at the exclusive Ivy Restaurant without booking, and he's moved to a posh new flat on Hampstead Heath as well. But it's arch-nemesis Greg who's got the career — and agent — Andy wants. With a new blockbuster film opening to rave reviews, Greg's portrayal of Percy Shelley alongside Clive Owen's Byron has earned him a firm place on the A-list. Fortunately, Greg's agent offers to represent Andy as well, which means Andy can finally hand Darren Lamb his walking papers - or at least leave a message to that effect. With a proper agent on board, Andy abruptly quits his sitcom in order to free himself up for better offers.

Andy is so caught up with new agent Tre Cooper's plan to get Andy "to the top of the B-list" as soon as possible that he completely fails to notice things aren't going nearly as well for Maggie. Though Tre secures her a small part in Clive Owen's new film, she decides to call it quits on being an extra after Owen and the director come up with a bit of staging that involves Owen flinging manure in Maggie's face. With no experience in any other line of work, Maggie has to resort to being a cleaner to pay the rent, which she can no longer afford and so is forced to move from her flat to a dingy little bedsit. Since Andy now phones only when he needs her to help him with some scheme or other, Maggie is left entirely to her own devices. Nearly destitute and thoroughly despondent, she pops in at Darren's new (and former) employer, the Carphone Warehouse, to see if he can offer her a place alongside former EastEnders co-stars Shaun Williamson and Dean Gaffney, who have also resorted to working there.

Meanwhile, Andy's decision to walk away from his sitcom has backfired. New agent Tre won't return his calls, so Andy is forced to accept acting gigs that he sneered at only a few months ago (specifically, roles on Doctor Who and Hotel Babylon) just to keep himself in the public eye. Andy finally manages to track down his agent, who tells Andy that he can have either "fame and fortune" or "credibility and respect" — but not both together — Andy chooses fame and fortune and begs Tre to pull whatever strings necessary to get Andy back on telly.

Andy finds that the strings Tre has offered to pull land him in the latest cast of Celebrity Big Brother, but Andy has no idea who anybody else is (apart from Lionel Blair, the other house members include a woman who leaked a sex tape of herself on the internet, and a mother whose son was murdered). He quickly realizes that rather than bolster his career, what he's actually done by appearing on a show where everyone is so desperate for fame that they voluntarily "hand in their dignity at the door" is just the opposite. After making an impassioned speech to this effect on camera, at the same time using the opportunity to make a heartfelt and tearful apology to Maggie, who is watching at home, Andy walks off the show.

Ironically, Andy's Big Brother speech gives him exactly the kind of attention and respect he's always wanted. Though he finds himself suddenly a media darling, with his agent fielding calls from the likes of Elton John and the Beckhams, Andy decides that the only place he really wants to be is anywhere Maggie wants to go. Happily reunited, the two drive off down the motorway towards Heathrow Airport. 

Gervais stated that he could not see himself doing a third series, as he and Merchant believed that more episodes would dilute the quality. They have often cited that Fawlty Towers only ran for two series, and this was also the reason given for ending The Office after two series.[4] However, after the second series had finished, Gervais was quoted in the Mirror as saying that there was "some mileage in it" and suggested there could be a third series,[5]. In December 2006, Gervais announced that Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was on his wishlist to appear in "another series", but then denied it a month later. Gervais had also mentioned Bruce Willis, Mickey Rooney, and Dick Van Dyke as possibilities for the third series.[6] At the Live 8 concert it was reported that Madonna had asked to appear in the series, and in a separate interview Will Ferrell revealed his desire to join the show if Gervais asked him.[7] Gervais had also reportedly been keen for Robert De Niro to appear again, after having only a small role in the last episode of the second series.

On September 15, before his stand-up performance of Fame at the Hammersmith Apollo, a trailer for the special was shown. It showed clips of Clive Owen, David Tennant (in costume as the Tenth Doctor, whom he plays in Doctor Who), Lionel Blair, Lisa Scott-Lee, Hale and Pace, Gordon Ramsay, George Michael and Barry from EastEnders. The trailer shows a selection of scenes from the special, including Andy helping George Michael avoid paparazzi on Hampstead Heath, scenes from a Christmas special of Andy's television series When the Whistle Blows, and Andy with his head in his hands in the Big Brother house while other celebrities perform a dance routine. There is also a cameo appearance by Karl Pilkington as an autograph hunter who shuns Millman when he is at a low point in his career.

It aired in the United States on December 16, 2007 and on the UK December 27, 2007. It aired on Australia's cable channel UKTV on Christmas Day 2008. It is yet to be aired on free to air TV in Australia. The episode's soundtrack features the songs "This Woman's Work" by Kate Bush, "Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want" by The Smiths and "Angels We Have Heard On High" arranged by Sufjan Stevens.

No chance of another one-off special

On October 23, 2008, Ricky Gervais stated the following on his blog:

"Steve must have seen the thing in the press about me thinking about doing another Extras Special. He's in LA at the moment but the story that went out across America was that, although I would consider it, I thought Steve would take some convincing. Well I got an email today from him saying he's up for it. I started work on it immediately. Does anyone know Al Pacino?"

On January 3, 2009, Ricky Gervais stated:

"People have been talking about a special - as much as we would like for there to be one, it's most likely there's no chance whatsoever."

Ricky further confirmed that there will not be any more episodes of Extras, saying "It's simply that Extras is no more."[8]

US and UK version differences

There were some subtle changes between the UK and US versions, with references to the names of British celebrities often being changed to American celebrities for the US edition. A scene featuring UK TV presenter Moira Stuart in episode 2.4 was completely excised from the US version, replaced instead with a song by Chris Martin - a scene that was featured as a deleted scene on the DVD releases.

Changes in the Christmas special saw the talking 'Jade Goody' doll replaced by a talking 'Kramer' doll. (Both dolls parodied incidents where each celebrity said things publicly that were generally seen as racist.) Furthermore, the t-shirt in the studio audience depicting Victoria Wood and Asda is replaced in the US version by a t-shirt depicting Sigourney Weaver and DirectTV. A scene with George Michael was also truncated to remove references to UK celebrities Richard & Judy and Catherine Tate. A scene set in the Carphone Warehouse was also edited to remove jokes referring to the long running BBC soap opera EastEnders.

When the Whistle Blows

When the Whistle Blows is the show-within-a-show sitcom in Extras created, co-written by and starring Andy Millman. It was first mentioned in episode "1.3", as a script that Millman had written and given to his agent who neglected to read it. The script was turned into a sitcom on BBC1 in the first series finale, after Millman gave the script to Patrick Stewart. Excerpts from the sitcom are featured in the second series, and many of the Extras plotlines have revolved around Millman's experiences with the show.

When the Whistle Blows is set in a Wigan factory canteen. The humour is broad and lowbrow in the manner of many catchphrase-based sitcoms. The main catchphrase of the show "Are you 'avin' a laugh?" is spoken by Millman. The show is unpopular with reviewers but popular with the public. It did receive a BAFTA nomination, though Millman suspected it was there simply to make up the numbers, and in the end it lost heavily to an unspecified programme by Stephen Fry.

Millman is deeply unhappy with the show, feeling that too many people have interfered with his original ideas in the hunt for ratings. It appears that Millman originally set out to do a comedy similar to The Office, with true-to-life characters in a realistic work environment, without a studio audience or laughter track. The show has turned out to be the opposite of what he originally intended. The show is further debased by the unexplained guest appearance by Chris Martin of Coldplay, in episode 2.4, which bears no relation to the plot — this can be seen as something of a reflexive joke, i.e., a celebrity appearing on a show within a show, which features celebrities.

The presence of studio audiences/canned laughter, and the reliance on funny wigs, costumes and catch phrases for humour is a comment on recent comedy hits such as Little Britain.[9] Many people that Millman sees at the recording of the pilot wear T-shirts displaying recent comedy catchphrases, such as "Wassup", "It's Chico Time", "I'm a lady!", "Am I bovvered?" and "Garlic bread?." (These shirts are not shown in the US version of Extras.) Some of the reviews that the show gets refer to it as a "time warp comedy", and Millman's character talks about 1970s catchphrases such as Mr Humphreys' "I'm Free" (from Are You Being Served?) and Frank Spencer's "Ooh Betty" (from Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em), suggest that it is also partly sending up 1970s British comedy. In Episode 2.5 at the beginning, Germaine Greer (playing herself) suggests that When the Whistle Blows is "sub Carry On". Ricky Gervais himself has said that he doesn't dislike all "broad humour", but that rather it is about being "careful what you wish for".[citation needed]

Music

The closing title track is called "Tea for the Tillerman", which is written and performed by Cat Stevens and is the title track of his album Tea for the Tillerman. The fourth episode of the second series of the show features a cover of the song performed by Chris Martin of Coldplay.

The song in the Christmas Special highlighting Maggie's depression after she hits bottom and quits acting is "This Woman's Work" by Kate Bush.[10] When Andy is having bad time at the fancy restaurant and leaves Maggie on her own, a Smiths song can be heard.

Awards

Awarding Body/Event Awarded
Rose d'Or
  • 2006 Best Sitcom
  • 2006 Best Sitcom Actress, Ashley Jensen for Extras
Emmy Awards
  • 2007 Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series, Ricky Gervais for Extras
Golden Globe
BAFTA Awards
  • 2007 Best Comedy Performance, Ricky Gervais for Extras
British Comedy Award
  • 2005 Best Television Comedy Actress, Ashley Jensen for Extras
  • 2005 Best Television Comedy Newcomer, Ashley Jensen for Extras
  • 2006 Best Comedy Actor, Stephen Merchant for Extras
BANFF World Television Awards
  • 2006 Best Comedy Actress, Ashley Jensen for Extras

Overall, Extras has been received very well by critics in the UK. The show received 3 BAFTA Award nominations in 2006 including Best Comedy Performance for Ashley Jensen, Best Writer for Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant, and Best Situation Comedy. In 2007, both Gervais and Merchant were nominated, separately, for Best Comedy Performance. Gervais ended up winning the award.

The show has also received high accolades in the US. In 2006, the show received four nominations for the 58th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards. Ben Stiller and Patrick Stewart received nominations for Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy Series and both lost to Leslie Jordan on Will & Grace. Kate Winslet received a nomination for Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series and lost to Cloris Leachman for Malcolm in the Middle. Gervais and Merchant were also nominated for Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series for the episode with Kate Winslet. They lost to Greg Garcia for writing the pilot episode of My Name Is Earl. In 2007, the show received four nominations for the 59th Primetime Emmy Awards. Gervais was nominated for and won Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series, and Ian McKellen was nominated for Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy Series. Gervais and Merchant were also nominated for Outstanding Writing in a Comedy Series for the episode with Daniel Radcliffe and Outstanding Directing in a Comedy Series for the episode with Orlando Bloom. Extras made the Top 10 list of Outstanding Comedy Series, but was not nominated in the Top 5.

Cancellations and replacements

According to a segment in the extras section of the Series 1 DVD, Jude Law was scheduled to appear in one of the episodes, after meeting Gervais backstage on the Late Show with David Letterman, but had to pull out due to film commitments. This resulted in Gervais and Merchant having to scramble to find a replacement actor at the last minute, with Leonardo DiCaprio being considered. A featurette on the first series DVD release, "Finding Leo", consists of late-night video camera footage (shot mostly by Merchant) chronicling Gervais' fruitless and ultimately unsuccessful attempts to contact DiCaprio's manager. Law was ultimately replaced by Patrick Stewart in the series 1 finale, although a poster for the Jude Law film Alfie appeared at the end. Other actors that did not appear in Extras despite initial reports from Gervais include Madonna, Brad Pitt,[11] and Tom Cruise.[12]

References

  1. ^ HBO: Extras
  2. ^ Lee, Alana (2005-03). "BBC - Movies - interview - Ricky Gervais". BBC. http://www.bbc.co.uk/films/2005/03/18/ricky_gervais_valiant_interview.shtm. Retrieved 2008-08-29. 
  3. ^ HBO: Extras - Episode 12, Season 2
  4. ^ Kilkelly, Daniel (2005-09-14). "Gervais: Third 'Extras' series unlikely". Digital Spy. http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/article/ds37046.html. Retrieved 2008-08-29. 
  5. ^ Methven, Nicola (2006-12-12). "EXCLUSIVE: Gervais has eye on Hollywood A-List". The Daily Mirror. http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/topstories/tm_method=full%26objectid=18247681%26siteid=94762-name_page.html. Retrieved 2008-08-29. 
  6. ^ Williams, Lowri (2006-12-12). "Bruce Willis And Arnold Schwarzenegger For Extras?". Entertainmentwise. http://www.entertainmentwise.com/news?id=25873. Retrieved 2008-08-29. 
  7. ^ "Will ferrell - ferrell desperate to be on extras". Contact Music. 2007-04-06. http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/ferrell%20desperate%20to%20be%20on%20extras_1027297. Retrieved 2008-08-29. 
  8. ^ Plumplard.com August 2004 (2009-12-06). "Ricky Gervais... Obviously". Rickygervais.com. http://www.rickygervais.com/thissideofthetruth.php. Retrieved 2010-03-15. 
  9. ^ Dessau, Bruce (2006-10-01). "Little at Large". The Scotsman. http://news.scotsman.com/topics.cfm?tid=1220&id=1454502006. Retrieved 2008-08-29. 
  10. ^ Lelane, Drake (December 18, 2007). "Music on Extras: Fame's Fickle Finger". film.com. http://www.film.com/tv/story/music-extras-fames-fickle-finger/17709292. Retrieved 2008-09-11. 
  11. ^ Smith, Neil (2005-07-14). "Extras 'a nightmare' says Gervais". BBC News. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/tv_and_radio/4680133.stm. Retrieved 2008-08-29. 
  12. ^ Williams, Lowri (2005-11-08). "Tom Cruise To Appear In Ricky Gervais' 'Extras'". Entertainmentwise. http://www.entertainmentwise.com/news?id=10285. Retrieved 2008-08-29. 

External links


Quotes

Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

Extras is a sitcom written and directed by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant. It concerns Andy Millman, a struggling actor forced into accepting dialogue-free roles as extras in various film and television productions, and his efforts to attempt to break into the big-time by hobnobbing with the more famous stars he works with.

Contents

Season 1

Episode 1

Original Air Date: July 21, 2005
Guest Star(s): Ben Stiller

Stiller: A lot of you might be thinking, 'Why am I making this movie?' Sure, you guys look at me as one of the world's most successful comedy actors ... what does that mean? I mean, yeah, I make Along Came Polly, it opens to $32 million, one of the biggest Martin Luther King, Jr. birthday holiday opening weekends ever, goes on to gross 170 million worldwide. Meet the Parents, double that. But what does the money and the success mean in real terms? If I find a little orphan child in a warzone, hiding in a burnt out building. His parents, murdered. Persecuted for his race, his religion. What am I gonna do? Pop on Dodgeball on DVD?
Goran: Is funny film.
Stiller: Thanks, and I can put on Dodgeball, and he's gonna laugh for an hour and 32 minutes, you know, escape reality for a while, but what happens when the film finishes? Back to reality. Still an orphan. Still living with fear. How do I help him? Put on Dodgeball again? Sure, he's gonna laugh again. He'll see things he didn't see the first time, it's layered, it was made like that. But, this can't go on indefinitely. All right, at a certain point, you know, after the fifth, sixth, seventh viewing, he's ... still laughing, but it's not getting to the root of the problem. OK? How do I help him?
Andy: [quietly, to Maggie] Make Dodgeball 2?

Maggie: [commenting on attractive man's high-fibre lunch] No bowel cancer for you, then!

Stiller: [irritated sigh] Will you stop going on about your fucking dead wife?

[After Andy has spoken to Ben Stiller out of turn]
Stiller: Who are you?
Andy: Nobody.
Stiller: What's that? Who?
Andy: Nobody.
Stiller: That's right. Nobody. Yeah. And who am I?
Andy: It's either Starsky or Hutch, I can never remember.
[Pause]
Stiller: Was that supposed to be funny?
Andy: You tell me, you were in it.
Stiller: Get off my set. Go on, get off my set.
[Andy shrugs and turns to leave. Ben Stiller turns his back to Andy, then swings back again, not finished]
Stiller: Hey, do you know how much Meet the Fockers made in its opening weekend?
Andy: No.
Stiller: No, you don't do you? [Suddenly points to a random crew member] What do you think?
Random Crewmember: I dunno.
Stiller: Take a wild guess.
Random Crewmember: Twenty million?
Stiller: [Smugly, to Andy] Way off. Double it. Add six. Forty-six, three days. Seventy million, five days. Five hundred million worldwide. Number one movie in India, right now.
Andy: [Unimpressed] Well done. Bye, nerd.
Stiller: [Livid] Oh, I'm a nerd?!
Andy: Yes, you are.
Stiller: I'm a nerd! I've kissed Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore! I, uh, I slapped Jennifer Aniston's butt!
Maggie: In films.
Stiller: It still counts! [Stomps away, turns, realizes the entire cast and crew is staring at him; defensively] It still counts! ... It still counts. I did it. [Stomps off]

Episode 2

Original Air Date: July 28, 2005
Guest Star(s): Vinnie Jones & Ross Kemp

Andy: Sorry, the reason I'm here is, I want to know what your plan of action is. What's your strategy, what is your business plan?
Darren: Well, my plan is, when you get some work, then I can start making some money. 'Cause what I'm no good at, is, you know, breaking an act.
Andy: Oh! So, when I'm successful, you can deduct 12.5%, no problem.
Darren: 15 for adverts. That's what I'm hanging on for, really.
Andy: [incredulous] Yeah? You just want someone to call up and give me an advert?
Darren: That would be amazing; that would be brilliant.
Andy: Right, OK. Make sure the phone's on the hook, then.
Darren: You joke about it; it was unplugged for two days! No one noticed. Tsk!

Kemp: I headbutted a horse, once.
Andy: Must've really annoyed you.

Andy: Ah and what do you recommend my good man.
Caterer: Chicken's the warmest.
Andy: Is it? I'll have that then.
Caterer: One chicken.

[gives Andy his food]

Andy: Your heart isn't in this is it? Oh but one of your pubes is I notice.

[Caterer dives his fingers into mash]

Andy: Ooh straight in there no fuss.
Caterer: That's not a pube it's a dog hair.
Andy: Oh it's alright everyone it's not a pube it's just a dog hair that's all I thought it was pube but no. Oh by the way if you do happen to find any hairs in your food, he just goes straight in there with his sausage fingers.

Episode 3

Original Air Date: August 4, 2005
Guest Star(s): Kate Winslet

Andy: Have you talked dirty back to him? Have you?
Maggie: No, no, I have not. I don't know what to say to him, it's too embarassing. What if I say, like, something and he just laughs at me, or something and he, and it's too much and he gets all offended.
Andy: Well, no, it's just all stuff like, "Ooh, I'm playing with myself."
Winslet: Sounds interesting.
Andy: Hi. Not me. Her.
Winslet: Go on.
Andy: Her boyfriend likes to talk dirty on the phone and she doesn't know what to say to him.
Winslet: Oh, yeah, that can be a bit awkward. Well, why don't you just start off with something light, you know, like, um, "I'd love it if you stuck your Willy Wonka between my Oompa Loompas." You know, something a bit fun, a bit jokey. And then you can get more hardcore, rattle off the old classics, like, "I'm playing with my dirty pillows," "I'm aching for your big purple-headed womb-ferret," and then go straight in hard, like, "Get 'round here 'cause I'm fudding myself stupid and I'm bloody loving it." Right?
Maggie: Yeah.

Andy: Dear God, I've got Jeremy Clarkson's wardrobe!

Winslet: My God, I'm not doing it for that. I mean, I don't think we really need another film about the Holocaust, do we? It's like, how many have there been, you know? We get it. It was grim. Move on. No, I'm doing it because I've noticed that if you do a film about the Holocaust you're guaranteed an Oscar. I've been nominated four times. Never won. The whole world is going, "Why hasn't Winslet won one?"
Andy: Def-yeah
Winslet: Right, so... That's why I'm doing it. "Schindler's bloody List." "The Pianist." Oscars coming out of their arse.

[Andy kisses the priest's hand]
Priest: Oh, you don't have to do that, I'm not the Pope!
Andy: No, old habits die hard - my old priest used to make me kiss him... on the ring... on his finger, not like that, there's none of that going on, and that makes me sick as well, people saying priests are paedophiles and kiddy-fiddlers, and it's probably... I mean they probably are, you probably know some, but there's no higher percentage of perverts in... but, you know... they're all walks of life, aren't they? There are nonces everywhere, but let's not exaggerate the issue is what I'm saying. I've never been touched by a priest. I've been touched by God - not in that way - in the heart... but, you know, or... ah... oh... condoms. Do we need them? Don't think so. Let the free seed of love gush forth.

Darren: [checks computer] Errm. Do you want to put another meeting in?
Andy: Any point?
Darren: May as well. Errm. And then when nothing comes in, just phone you up and cancel it.
Andy: That's a plan.

Episode 4

Original Air Date: August 11, 2005
Guest Star(s): Les Dennis

[Genie appears out of a big lamp]
Dennis: Blimey! What a big poof.
Andy: [as Genie] Cheeky!
Dennis: Who are you?
Andy: Well, I'll be anyone you want me to be but you can call me Genie.
Dennis: How does someone as big as you squeeze into this tiny lamp?
Andy: Don't worry about it. I'm used to squeezing myself into tight holes! Ewwwwgh! No pain, no gain.

Andy: [prompting Les] Where do you want to go from?
Dennis: How about 1992?

Dennis: You don't remember. Nobody remembers. That's why I'm in a shitty little panto, where the only people laughing were that bunch of gays.
Andy: Nothing wrong with gays.
Dennis: I know. But they'll laugh at anything. No victory in making a bunch of gays laugh, they laugh at anything. Look at that Graham Norton.
Andy: He's alright, i'n' he?
Dennis: Is he? Is this funny, is it? "Oooh! Look at this website about cocks and fannies. Oooh! Jackie Collins, what lovely tits. Do you like a cock up your arse? Oooh!" Is that funny?
Andy: It is quite funny when you do it, but keep it down a little bit, 'cause you're in a pub
Dennis: What is that? I want to do something more high-brow, Oscar Wilde or something.
Andy: Yeah, definitely, he was gay.
Dennis: I know. But not in the same way. He was clever. Would this have been funny? Him going through customs: "I have nothing to declare but my genius. Ooooh! And this vibratin' tongue for pleasurin' fannies. Oooh!" Is that funny?
Andy: Again quite funny when you do it. But it's Sunday, can you keep the "fannies" down to a minimum?

Episode 5

Original Air Date: August 18, 2005
Guest Star(s): Samuel L. Jackson

Jobsworth: ...Whoa. Where are you going? You can't come on here, it's actors only.
Andy: I am an actor.
Jobsworth: No, you're background. Your bus is over there. This is for actors.
Andy: I am an actor.
Jobsworth: No, your voucher's green, that means you're background.
Andy: Right. So you're judging my entire career on the colour of my badge.
Jobsworth: No, I'm sure you've had major roles in other things.
Maggie: He hasn't.
Andy: Shut up.

GUY: What's wrong with going for a meal with me?
Andy:Nothing, a bit weird... but--
GUY: What's weird about a couple of mates having a meal together?
Andy: Well, we're not really friends that's the point--
Guy: But that's how we become friends. We go for a meal.
Andy: But I go out for meals with people that are already friends, I don't go to people willy-nilly and go, "Oi, mate, I don't know you from Adam, but do you want to go out for the weekend? You might be a mental case, but let's find out." It's mad. Do you know what I mean?
Guy: No. [walks away sadly]

Dan: I'm just trying to get into TV. I mean, to be honest, there's not a lot of black faces needed on television.
Maggie: No. [pause] "Crime Watch."
Dan: What?
Maggie: The reconstructions on "Crime Watch", they always need black actors... [pause] or white actors. They need black actors and white actors. Depending on who's committing the crime that day. I mean there's criminals--black criminals. Certainly, there's white criminals as well as black criminals... [silence]

Andy: He doesn't think you're a racist.
Maggie: He does! He's just seen me say to a black woman, "You're not allowed to sit on this bus." It's like that whole racism-on-a-bus incident all over again.
Andy: What, the Rosa Parks incident??
Maggie: It wasn't in a park, it was on a bus.
Andy: Sure.

Andy: Well, there is that test I can give you.
Maggie: What test?
Andy: The racism test they give you when you join the Council to make sure you're not a racist.
Maggie: I've never heard of it.
Andy: Yeah, do you want to do it? Just ten questions-- You've got to answer totally honestly, okay? Just relax, you've got nothing to worry about... unless you are a racist... Okay, question one: Who would rather see with their shirt off? Brad Pitt or Sir Trevor McDonald?
Maggie: Brad Pitt, obviously.
Andy: Obviously?
Maggie: What?
Andy: I can't say anything until the end. Right, question two. This is about racial awareness, cause often you catch out a real racist because they don't know or care about any black issues. Who is the prime minister of Great Britain?
Maggie: Tony Blair.
Andy: Correct. Who is the Prime Minister of Namibia?
Maggie: [stressed] I don't know...
Andy: Ooh, you knew the white one... Okay, um, oh dear... Who is the Queen of England?
Maggie: Queen Elizabeth II.
Andy: Correct. Who is the President of Djibouti?
Maggie: Oh, this is ridiculous! I've never even heard of blubbin' Djibouti!
Andy: Oh! Please do not ridicule the totally valid African language, please. Alright, next question. Who would you rather have waiting for you when you get home tonight: Johnny Depp or OJ Simpson?
Maggie: Johnny Depp, because of the murder thing.
Andy: Because of the murder thing? I think you'll find that OJ Simpson was acquitted, but in your eyes because he's black, he's still guilty.

Episode 6

Original Air Date: August 25, 2005
Guest Star(s): Patrick Stewart

Andy: What's your story about, if you don't mind me asking?
Stewart: Well, how best to explain this? You've seen me in X-Men?
Andy: Yeah.
Stewart: The character I am, Professor Charles Xavier, if you remember, can control things with the power of his mind; make people do things and see things. So I thought, what if you could do that for real? I mean, not in a comic book world, but in the real world.
Andy: Alright.
Stewart: So, in my film, I play a man who controls the world with his mind.
Andy: Right. That's interesting.
Stewart: For instance, I'm walking along, and I see this beautiful girl, and I think I'd like to see her naked, and so all her clothes fall off.
Andy: All her clothes fall off?
Stewart: Mmm. Yes. And she's scrabbling around to get them back on again, but even before she can get her knickers on, I've seen everything. I've seen it all.
Andy: Ok... So, comedy, is it?
Stewart: No. It's about what would happen if these things were possible.
Andy: What's the story though?
Stewart: Well, I do other stuff, like I'm riding my bike in the park, and this policewoman says, "Oi! You can't ride your bike on the grass." And I go, "Oh no?", and her uniform falls off, and she goes "Aaaah!", and she's trying to cover up, but I've seen everything anyway, and I get on my bike and ride off. On the grass.
Andy: So, it's mainly about seeing ladies' tits?
Stewart: Mainly. And I do other stuff. Like I go to the World Cup Final and it's Germany vs. England. And I wish I were playing and suddenly I am! And I score the winning goal. They carry me into the dressing room, and there's Rooney and Beckham and then Posh Spice walks in and --
Andy: Her clothes fall off?
Stewart: Instantly.
Andy: Sure.

Stewart: You're not married, you don't have a girlfriend, you live alone... and you've never seen Star Trek? Good Lord...

Stewart: Hello Maggie. This is Patrick Stewart. And the reason you're hearing my rich, sexy voice is that Andy isn't man enough to apologise himself, so he's asked me to do it.

Season 2

Episode 1

Original Air Date: September 14, 2006
Guest Star(s): Orlando Bloom, Keith Chegwin & Sophia Myles

Chegwin: [as Alfie] My sister buried me today.
Andy: Oh, for fuck's sake! Why would your sister bury you?

Chegwin: 14 years at the BBC. Swap Shop. Cheggers challenge. Still run by Jews and Queers, is it?
Andy: Jews and queers?! I think there are a few Jewish people, and some gay people, yeah.
Chegwin: [sarcastically] 'Gay!' I forgot, not allowed to say queer nowadays, are you? Suggests something abnormal. What could be more normal than shoving your cock up a blokes arse? Let's face it; If god had wanted a cock up an arse, he wouldn't have given us beaver. Men have knobs. Women have fannies. Pop knob in fanny. Not up the arse.
Andy: . Should really be taking notes.
Chegwin: What?
Andy: Nothing. It's all good advice.

Episode 2

Original Air Date: September 21, 2006
Guest Star(s): David Bowie

Andy: I'm an entertainer too.
Bowie: What do you do?
Andy: I'm in a sitcom.
Maggie: It's called 'When The Whistle Blows'. Have you seen it?
Bowie: I haven't, no, is it any good?
Heckler: [off-screen] Na. It's shit.

Episode 3

Original Air Date: September 28, 2006
Guest Star(s): Warwick Davis, Daniel Radcliffe & Diana Rigg

Radcliffe: You married?
Make-Up Artist: Yeah
Radcliffe: Don't stop me. A ring don't mean a thing.

Darren: The papers don't look good
Andy: Oh what's it say?
[Holds up newspaper]
Darren: "Bully kicks midget in face".
Andy: Accurate...
[Puts down paper and holds up another]
Darren:"Pick on someone your own size, fatty".
Andy: At least it can't get worse.
[Puts down paper and holds up another]
Darren: Yeah, look at this one; "Suicide bombers get Lotto funding'".
Andy: Well what's that got to do with it?
Darren: Nothing, it's just shocking though innit, what goes on.

Episode 4

Original Air Date: October 5, 2006
Guest Star(s): Richard Briers, Ronnie Corbett, Stephen Fry, Chris Martin, Davina McCall, Patricia Potter & Moira Stuart

Darren: Calm down, [holds up muffin] muffin?
Andy: No.
Darren: Have a lovely bit of muffin.
Andy: I don't want any.
Darren: Do you mind if I have a little bit of muffin?
Andy: No.
Darren: Thank you, [into intercom] Bar?
Shaun: [through intercom] Yo?
Darren: I'm having the muffin.
Shaun: [through intercom] I'll come through.
Andy: Why is this an event?
Darren: It's exciting. [bites into muffin]
[Shaun enters]
Shaun: Alright, Andy?
Andy: Alright, Shaun.
[they shake hands]
Darren: Lovely bit of muffin.
Shaun: [to muffin] Hello, you.
[Shaun bites into the muffin while it's still in Darren's hand]
Andy: Why's he eating like that?
Darren: Yeah, why are you eating it like that?
Shaun: Me hands, been cleaning out the toilets, got no gloves.
Andy: You... you shook my hand when you came in.
Shaun: Well that's politeness innit?
Darren: He's just being polite.

[after being caught taking drugs in the toilets]
Corbett: [to Darren] It's your fault.
Darren: Why's it my fault?
Corbett: They saw your head over the cubicle door.
Andy: They saw your head under the cubicle door, so...
[security guard enters]
Security Guard: Well, well, well, the Three Stooges.
[Andy laughs]
...Is something funny?
Andy: Your joke, it was...
Security Guard: Shut up. Corbett it's always bloody Corbett. See, I expected it from him, but you,[to Andy] you're the new kid on the block. How'd you fall in with this crowd?
[Andy mumbles]
...Is this it? Or is there any more?
[Corbett pulls a bag from his pocket]
Corbett: Just a bit of whizz, you know? To blow away the cob-webs.
Security Guard: Hand it over. Where'd you get it?
Corbett: Don't remember.
Security Guard: Don't piss me about. Where'd you get it?
Corbett: Don't remember.
Security Guard: Was it Moira Stewart?
Corbett: I can't say.
Security Guard: We don't want you, just give us a name and you can walk free.
Corbett: You don't get it, mate, do you? I don't remember.
Security Guard: Alright. Here's something you will remember, you're banned from BAFTA, you can never win a BAFTA now.
Andy: What? Me as well?
Security Guard: Yeah, all of you.
Andy: Oh...
Security Guard: You can never attend any of our varied events, you can't come to the film BAFTAs, you can't come to the TV BAFTAs, you can't even come to the children's BAFTAs.
Corbett: What about the Welsh BAFTAs?
Security Guard: Would you attend the Welsh BAFTAs if you were asked?
Corbett: Probably.
Security Guard: Expect a call.
Darren: [pointing at Andy] He'll come to the Welsh BAFTAs, if you want.
Andy: Yeah.
Security Guard: Yeah, we're after more, you know, respected comedians.
Darren: Makes sense.
Security Guard: Get out of my sight. That's all of you, yeah?
Andy: "Makes sense".
Darren: I reckon I could've had him in a fight.
Andy: Yeah? You f-f.. Idiot.

Episode 5

Original Air Date: October 12, 2006
Guest Star(s): Germaine Greer, 'Dr' Mark Kermode, Mark Lawson & Ian McKellen

McKellen: Peter Jackson comes from New Zealand, says to me, "Sir Ian, I want you to be Gandalf the wizard." And I say to him, "You are aware that I am not really a wizard..." And he said, "Yes, I’m aware of that. What I want you to do is use your acting skills to portray the wizard for the duration of the film." So I said, "Okay." And then I said to myself, "Hmm, how do I do that?" And this is what I did: I imagined what it would be like to be a wizard, and then I pretended and acted in that way on the day... And how did I know what to say? The words were written down for me in a script. How did I know where to stand? People told me. If we were to draw a graph of my process, of my method, it would be something like this: Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian. Action. WIZARD! "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Cut! Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian.

McKellen: How will you know what to say? Well the words will be in the script...and you will learn the words! You would not have the script on the night and that goes for everybody, there will be no scripts on the night! You learn the words!

Fran: I love you.
Andy [to the audience]: In the play.

[Andy walks into Darren's office; Darren is sitting at his desk]
Andy: Moron
[Darren looks around]
Darren: You talking to me?
Andy: Yes, I'm talking to you! Didn't you read the play?
Darren: What play?
Andy: The play I'm in, the play that you got me a part in. It's a gay play. I've got to play a gay, with another gay. Acting all gay. All through the play... it's so gay.

[after trying to push his own 'waste' through the u-bend in the toilet using a whisk]
Darren: Oh, that's just mashing it up.

Episode 6

Original Air Date: October 19, 2006
Guest Star(s): Robert Lindsay, Robert De Niro & Jonathan Ross

[after Mother with sick son gets Andy to promise to visit him in hospital]
Lindsay: Bit weird isn't it?
Andy: Bit presumptuous.
Lindsay: No, I mean it's a bit weird she didn't ask me.

Darren: So... have you ever driven a taxi in real life?
Robert De Niro: ...No.

Christmas Special

Original Air Date: December 27, 2007
Guest Star(s): Lionel Blair, Dean Gaffney, Toby Foster, Hale & Pace, George Michael, Clive Owen, Gordon Ramsay, Lisa Scott-Lee, Chico Slimani, June Sarpong, Vernon Kay, Karl Pilkington, and David Tennant

[as they pass the TV displays in the department store]
Maggie: Look, it's Greg in a film!
Andy: Oh, come on, we can't watch telly in the day.
Maggie: No, wait, I want to see! [the clip plays on, showing Greg dueling with Clive Owen] I love Clive Owen.
Andy: [scoffs] Clive. Good name for a film star. Clive...
Maggie: [as the clip ends and Jonathan Ross begins interviewing the actors] Greg seems good in it!
Andy: [shrugging] Bit part.
Ross: I'm joined by Clive Owen and Greg Lindley-Jones, the two leads in the film...
Maggie: He's one of the leads!
Andy: In a terrible film.
Ross: ...I thought the film was brilliant...
Maggie: He thought it was brilliant!
Andy: Oh, I can hear!

Andy: I don't want to do camp, frothy nonsense. I want to do something classy!
Darren: Celebrity Big Brother have been on the phone.
Andy: You're not listening to me!
Darren: It's good money.
Andy: Not in a million years! What about films? What happened to films?
Darren: Okay, now this is interesting, we did have a call -- have you heard about this Byron film that everyone's raving about?
Andy: Yeah.
Darren: Right, well, they're making a sequel. Should be classy, should be good, it's about what it means to be a man, it's about honor, it's about integrity. They wanted you to go in and do an audition.
Andy: Right.
Darren: Obviously I said no, but I thought that was very positive --
Andy: What do you mean, you said no?
Darren: Well, they were asking for someone who's sort of thirty-six, handsome, dashing, and I presume they'd have to be taller than you, so I thought that --
Andy: Always do the audition!
Darren: But look at you, that's insane! I might as well send Barry! [Shaun/Barry laughs openly]
Andy: Call them back and say you've got the perfect person for the part.
Darren: Who?
Andy: Me!
Darren: No, it's really -- I don't want to waste their time.
Andy: Why am I trying to persuade my agent to get me an audition? It should be the other way round!
Darren: But if I send you, they'll think I don't know what I'm doing!
Andy: Ohhh, no one could ever think you don't know what you're doing, that you're a total waste of space and shouldn't even be in the industry.
Darren: Well, thanks, mate, but you'd be surprised. [Shaun nods]

[at the audition]
Greg: Sorry... must declare an interest, actually. Me and Andy are very old friends. We've been climbing the slippery showbiz ladder together; some of us have got a little further than others... Anyway, I won't be biased.
Casting Director: So which role are you going for?
Andy: Henry Milligan.
Greg: Hang on! Can't be Henry Milligan. It says here "age thirty-six."
Andy: Yeah. I took that as meaning mid- to late thirties.
Greg: We'll change it to "late thirties." [makes a note] Hang on, can't be Henry Milligan. Says here "late thirties."

Michael: [approaching the "queer bench" where Andy is sitting with Bunny; throwing away a joint and a kebab wrapper] Hello, Bunny.
Bunny: Oh, hi, George.
Michael: [sitting down] Any action? [looks at his watch]: Only got twenty minutes, actually, I'm on my lunch break.
Andy: Lunch break?
Michael: Yeah, I'm doing community service.
Andy: Oh, are you still doing that?
Michael: Oh, not that one, no, I'm doing another one now. I'm picking up litter now.
Andy: Oh, right. What'd you do wrong this time?
Michael: Fly tipping, believe it or not. Yeah, I was helping Annie Lennox out with an old fridge-freezer, and she said, "Shall I call the council?" and I said, "No, don't bother with that, there's a skip at the end of my street." So at two-thirty in the morning, we're tipping it in there, and the fucking police show up.
Andy: How'd they get involved, then?
Michael: Well, it was Stuart Copeland's skip, and he called Sting, and Sting called the fucking council, 'cause he's a fucking do-gooder. And now me and Annie are picking up litter. [getting up] Well, I'd better get going, 'cause I'm gonna have to get back to work soon...
Bunny: Come on, then, you. I'll give you a quickie.
Michael: Oi, I'm not that desperate.
Bunny: Cheeky bastard!
Michael: Actually, will you do me a favor and watch out for paparazzi? I'm going to go and try over there.
Bunny: Love to.
Michael: Yeah? Cheers.
Bunny: Cheers. [to Andy, as Michael leaves] I've had him before, you know. In his car.
Andy: Wasn't that a bit cramped?
Bunny: Mm. And he was swerving all over the bloody road.

[seeing the extra his character is supposed to have slept with]
Clive Owen: Oh, fuck off! I'm Clive Owen, that's mental!

Shaun: [packing after Andy has fired Darren] What about these? [pointing at some binders on the window sill]
Darren: Nothing in 'em. Just put them up there because the local kids run by and peer in and shout insults.
Shaun: Kids can be cruel, eh?
Darren: Yeah. They can.
Shaun: What do they say?
Darren: You know what they say.
Shaun: What, "lanky four-eyed twat"?
Darren: Yeah.
Shaun: "Weirdo goggle-eyed gimp"?
Darren: Sometimes.
Shaun: "Frankenstein's albino gonk"?
Darren: I've never heard that one.
Shaun: It's so easy to have a go at a bloke who looks like you, you're just easy pickings, and it's... [trails off and shakes his head]
Darren: "Sheepshagger" they've said sometimes as well.
Shaun: I thought "sheepshagger" was Welsh.
Darren: No, it can be Bristol as well.
Shaun: I thought Bristol was inbreeding.
Darren: Sheepshagging, inbreeding, slavery... we're famous for loads of stuff down there.
Shaun: Oh, all right.
[pause]
Darren: Bar?
Shaun: Yeah?
Darren: I could do with a hug, mate.
Shaun: Yeah. [They hug. A kid walks by, looks in the window, and shouts, "Queers!"] Ignore him.

[at the Ivy]
Maggie: I'm not sure you should actually come here, even. This place just seems to annoy you. You always saying, "He's got an acting part" that you wanted, or, "He's got credibility and he doesn't deserve it." If you worry about things like that, you're never going to be happy. No matter how successful you get, you'll never be famous enough.
Andy: Thank you, Dr. Freud. Next conversation.
Maggie: [is quiet for a second, then smiles brightly] What would you rather be? A penguin that can't fly, but it swims around in the water like a fish -- but it is a bird -- or a flying fish that can fly, but it is essentially still just a fish...
Andy: Oh, fuck it. I can't do these stupid questions anymore. Seriously. We're grown-ups.

[after being denied entrance, Andy bursts into the Ivy, where his new agent is having lunch with Greg]
Andy: Trey!
Manager: Excuse me!
Trey: [beckons Andy over] What are you doing?
Andy: What are you doing? You haven't been returning my calls!
Trey: Yeah, well, funnily enough, there's not been much my end since you told the BBC to piss off.
Andy: Oh, there's other channels, aren't there? You're meant to generate work for me, you're my agent!
Trey: Well, I can't magic things out of thin air. They either want you or they don't. Life's cruel. And to be honest with you, I've been up to my eyeballs with my other clients.
Greg: Guilty as charged.
Andy: Yeah... what about me?
Trey: All right, listen to me, Andy. I can't help you because I don't know what it is that you want. Every time you come into my office it's something different. One day it's all about not selling out, being an artist, next day you just want your face in the paper. What do you want? You want to be a world-famous movie star or do you want to be the tortured genius creating great art?
Greg: Look -- do you want fame and fortune, or do you want integrity and respect?
Andy: Both.
Trey: Right. Well, there are only a few people in the world who have both those things. And you will never be one of them. What do you want?
[long pause]
Andy: Rich and famous. And on the telly.
Trey: Right. Okay then. Will you do the stuff you keep turning down?
Andy: Yes.
Trey: Comedy panel shows?
Andy: Yup.
Greg: You know you'll have to make your carefully written jokes look ad-libbed.
Andy: Yes, I know how they work.
Greg: [to Trey] Emmerdale.
Trey: Oh, good, yeah. Well this is great! I'd much rather have a client who'll do anything to get on television than someone who goes, "Oh, I don't wanna do that" or "Oh, that's beneath me" -- oh, hold on. There is one other thing. Might have to pull some strings.
Andy: Pull 'em.
[cut to Andy entering the Big Brother house]

Marcus Bentley: Day three. Lionel is dancing again.

Blair: Do you know what I look forward to these days? Death.

Amy: Andy, would you come to my Hello wedding?
Andy: To your Hello wedding?
Amy: Yeah. [when Andy doesn't answer] Are you all right?
Andy: No. [sighs] What are we doing? Selling ourselves, selling everything. "Happiest day of my life. Oh, quick, I'd better do the invites and bake a cake -- and get a press tent. Must have a press tent. It's a wedding." You know, "I must see pictures of myself with other people I'm in a program with. Oh, and now I'm pregnant! Maybe we should televise the birth, get Ruby Wax to present it. Maybe it'll make Jimmy Carr's Hundred Greatest Caesarians." [to Amy] I'm not having a go at you. I'm just sick of these celebrities, living their life out in the open all the time. Why would you do that? It's like these pop stars who choose the perfect moment to go into rehab. They call their publicist before they call a taxi! And they come out and they do their second autobiography. "This one's called Love Me or I'll Kill Myself!" Oh, kill yourself then. [Maggie, watching at home lying on the couch, lifts her head up] And the papers lap it up. They follow us round, and that makes people think they're important, and that makes us think we're important. [Maggie sits up] If they stopped following us round taking pictures of us, people wouldn't take to the streets going, "Ooh, quick, I need a picture of Cameron Diaz with a pimple!" They wouldn't care. They'd get on with something else! They'd get on with their lives. You open the paper, and you see a picture of Lindsay Lohan getting out of a car, and the headline is, "Cover up, Lindsay, we can see your knickers!" Course you can see her knickers; your photographer is lying in the road pointing his camera up her dress to see her knickers! You are literally the gutter press. [loudly, into his microphone] And fuck you that make us this show as well. You can't wash your hands of this. You can't keep going, "Oh, it's exploitation but it's what the public want!" No! [Maggie watches openmouthed] The Victorian freak show never went away. Now it's called Big Brother. Or The X Factor, where in the preliminary rounds, we wheel out the bewildered to be sniggered at by multi-millionaires. And fuck you for watching this at home. Shame on you. And shame on me. I'm the worst of all, 'cause I'm one of these people that goes, "Oh, I'm an entertainer. It's in my blood." Yeah, it's in my blood 'cause a real job's too hard. I would've loved to've been a doctor. Too hard. Didn't want to put the work in. Love to be a war hero; I'm too scared. [Maggie starts to cry] So I go, "It's what I do." And I have someone bollocked if my cappucino's cold, or if they look at me the wrong way. Do you know what a friend of mine once said? They said I'll never be happy 'cause I'll never be famous enough. And they were right. And if you're watching this, I'm so sorry. You're my best friend. You're my only friend. [struggling not to cry] And you never did anything wrong. It was everything else. And I'll never do that again, I'll never treat you like that again. And it's eating at me -- you asked me a stupid question once, and I still could have answered it, and I didn't, 'cause I'm so -- I'll answer it now. I'd be the penguin. [Maggie laughs] 'Cause I could eat the flying fish. I know what you're thinking: why doesn't the fish fly away? Well, they can't really fly. Sort of glide and flap. They should be called glidey flappy fish. [Maggie laughs again] I'm so sorry.
Darren: [watching at the Carphone Warehouse, grins and wipes his eyes] I've been waiting to hear that, mate!
Shaun: I don't think he means --
Darren: He's a good guy. He's a good guy.
Shaun: ...Yeah.
Andy: I'm gonna go now. Cheers. [gets up and walks to the door; Amy follows]
Amy: Andy, that was amazing.
Andy: Thanks.
Amy: I'm gonna come with you.
Andy: Okay.
Amy: Just give me five minutes, there's paparazzi out there, I'll put on a bikini.

Andy: Hi.
Maggie: Hello.
Andy: Going?
Maggie: Yeah. [Andy gets in her car] Saw you on the telly.
Andy: [laughing] Did you?
Maggie: Good.
Andy: Good.
Maggie: Where are we going?
Andy: Somewhere where no one cares who I am.
Maggie: Back to the Ivy, then? [they make faces at each other]
Andy: Seriously... somewhere where no one knows me.
[pause]
Maggie: Hollywood?
Andy: Oh, the hits keep coming!

[last lines]
Andy: Seriously, where do you want to go?
Maggie: What, can I go anywhere?
Andy: Yeah.
Maggie: All right, then. Where do the flying fish live?
Andy: In the sea.
Maggie: Let's go there, then.
Andy: "Twin first-class tickets to the sea."







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