Father Ted: Wikis


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Father Ted
Format Comedy
Created by Graham Linehan and Arthur Mathews
Starring Dermot Morgan
Ardal O'Hanlon
Frank Kelly
Pauline McLynn
Opening theme "Songs of Love"
(instrumental), The Divine Comedy
Country of origin United Kingdom / Republic of Ireland
Language(s) English
No. of series 3
No. of episodes 25 (List of episodes)
Running time 24 minutes (varies between episodes)
Original channel Channel 4
Original run 21 April 1995[1] – 1 May 1998

Father Ted was a situation comedy television program produced by the British television company Hat Trick Productions which first ran from 1995 to 1998 on Channel 4 in the United Kingdom. It starred Dermot Morgan in the title role as the Irish Catholic priest Father Ted Crilly, and was set on the remote fictional Craggy Island parish off the west coast of Ireland. The show ran for three series, totalling 25 episodes, from 21 April 1995 until 1 May 1998, and was written by two Irish writers, Arthur Mathews and Graham Linehan. The show follows the lives of Ted and his fellow priests, Father Dougal McGuire (Ardal O'Hanlon) and Father Jack Hackett (Frank Kelly), who are exiled on the island, living together in the Parochial house with the fourth main character, housekeeper Mrs. Doyle (Pauline McLynn).

The first series comprised 6 episodes, with the second series running for 10 episodes. A Christmas special, A Christmassy Ted, then aired before a third series of 8 episodes. Dermot Morgan died unexpectedly on 28 February 1998 age 45, a day after filming the last episode, leaving the entire final series to be broadcast posthumously. As a result, no further shows in the franchise were ever commissioned.

In 1998 the show won a BAFTA award for Best Comedy, while Morgan won a BAFTA for Best Actor, and McLynn the Best Actress award. Having achieved a cult following, since 2007 the Ted Fest, a Father Ted fan convention, has been held annually.

All of the interior scenes were shot at The London Studios. Exterior filming was shot at various locations on the Irish mainland in County Clare, with the Parochial house being at Glenquin, near Kilnaboy, County Clare. The aerial shot in the opening credits of Craggy Island and the wreck of the Plassey cargo ship depicts the isle of Inisheer, part of the Aran Islands, off the west coast of Ireland. The theme tune for the series was written and performed by The Divine Comedy, who also released a B-side of "My Lovely Horse", a song allegedly written by characters within the show.

The series was responsible for propelling a number of actors and comedians into the limelight, including Ardal O'Hanlon, Pauline McLynn, Graham Norton, Tommy Tiernan, Patrick McDonnell, Don Wycherley, Joe Rooney, Jason Byrne, Pat Shortt, Jon Kenny, Ed Byrne and Brendan Grace.



The show follows the exploits of three Roman Catholic priests who preside over a parish on Craggy Island, located off the west coast of Ireland. Father Ted Crilly, Father Dougal McGuire and the retired Father Jack Hackett live together in Craggy Island's parochial house, along with their housekeeper Mrs Doyle, who is often wanting to serve them tea. The three priests answer to Bishop Len Brennan, who assigned them the Craggy Island parish due to different incidents in their past: Ted for alleged financial impropriety, Dougal for something only referred to as the "Blackrock Incident", and Jack for his alcoholism and womanising. The show revolves around the priests' lives on Craggy Island, sometimes dealing with matters of the church but more often dealing with Father Ted's schemes to either resolve a situation with the parish or other Craggy Island residents, or to win gambling bets placed with Father Dick Byrne of the nearby Rugged Island parish.

Major characters

Father Ted Crilly

Father Ted Crilly (Dermot Morgan) is the nominal head of Craggy Island's Parochial House as well as the most outwardly 'normal' of the three priests. He is a bon vivant, exiled to Craggy Island for something referred to only as "that Lourdes thing" - an apparent misappropriation of church funds which had been intended to fund a poor child's pilgrimage to Lourdes, which Ted allegedly absconded to Las Vegas with. Ted's defence has always been that the money was "just resting in my account". As well as having to (often reluctantly) perform his religious duties, he also has to put up with Father Dougal's immense cluelessness and Father Jack's physical and verbal abuse.

While on the surface, Ted is a sympathetic and well-meaning character, he has a frequent tendency to greed, vanity, competitiveness and delusions of grandeur. Ted craves fame, glory and a better life far away from the island. Nevertheless, Ted is genuinely very likeable and quick-thinking, as well as tremendously useful in a crisis (such as when he helps seven other priests escape from "the largest lingerie department in the whole of Ireland", or when Dougal is stuck on an explosive milk float). Quite often, other priests and bishops are introduced to the show, and all are presented as eccentric compared to Ted.

Father Dougal McGuire

Father Dougal McGuire (Ardal O'Hanlon) is a very simple-minded soul, in exile for the mysterious "Blackrock incident", involving a Sealink ferry and a group of nuns whose lives were, allegedly, "irreparably damaged", presumably caused by his stupidity. His inability to grasp the simplest of everyday concepts provides much of the humour in the show. Dougal's denseness frequently infuriates and exasperates Ted, as well as get him into trouble.

It is unclear exactly how and why Dougal ended up in the priesthood. Dougal also regularly expresses doubts about the validity of Catholic Orthodoxy (indeed, he appears to have no religious belief whatsoever, even questioning the existence of God in front of a visiting Bishop, who eventually gives up the faith and becomes a hippie) and has trouble distinguishing dreams from reality.

Father Jack Hackett

Father Jack Hackett (Frank Kelly) is an alcoholic, lecherous, violent and foul-mouthed old priest, who is basically incapable of functioning normally as a human being, let alone as a priest. He is on Craggy Island for all of these reasons, although one episode mentions the cause of Father Jack's exile as being a wedding he performed in Athlone. His vocabulary is mostly restricted to four shouted words: "DRINK!", "FECK!", "ARSE!", "GIRLS!", though he has been known to yell other short phrases ("That would be an ecumenical matter", "Arse biscuits!", "I'm a happy camper!", "knickers"). On rarer occasions, Jack would contribute sensibly to a conversation, but these instances are brief and few (for example, when the house is besieged by old ladies, Jack gives the rest of the group insight into how they act). Father Jack also has a fear of nuns. His favourite phrase is "Feck Off"

Jack is continuously drunk, rarely without an alcoholic beverage, and has even been known to drink other household liquids including floor polish, brake fluid, motor oil, castor oil, and Toilet Duck. He is also extremely violent, lashing out at anyone and anything who gets on the wrong side of him, but especially Ted.

Mrs Doyle

Mrs Doyle gives Dougal a bath.

Mrs Doyle (Pauline McLynn) is the priests' manic housekeeper. Hospitality, especially serving tea (whenever a guest refuses the beverage, she repeatedly exhorts "Ahh, go on! - Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on...") is Mrs Doyle's mission in life. She also spends a significant amount of time trying to clean the large window in the living room, a task which usually sees her plummet to the ground upon trying to get back down from the sill without exposing her legs.

Nothing is ever properly revealed about Mrs. Doyle other than her present existence. On two occasions, she refers to having had a husband. But the mystery surrounding her is seldom considered. She considers her present lifestyle as "proper", and is confused when anyone suggests that a woman could (or should) do something different. In one episode, she falls about laughing hysterically when a bishop tells her that he thinks he should be making tea for his own disabled housekeeper.

Her first name is never heard in the series. The third series episode, "The Mainland", maintains the secret in a scene where her name was spoken twice but on both occasions was deliberately blocked out by a loud noise, preventing the audience from hearing what was said.

However, Mrs Doyle's first name is given in the script for the episode "Competition Time" as "Joan". Linehan and Matthews describe it in their footnote as "a very good example of the kind of information one carelessly flings about in the early days of writing a sitcom, without realising that it has the potential to be a lovely dark secret for years and years."[2]

Recurring characters

Other priests and islanders have recurring roles in the series. Their details are given below. A number of priests, parishioners and other characters appear on the show on a one-off basis.

For a complete list, see Father Ted minor characters.


Bishop Brennan

Bishop Leonard "Len" Brennan (Jim Norton) is Ted's boss, originally from Limerick (as Ted reveals when trying to stall him from entering his rabbit-infested bedroom). Len has little patience with Ted and his friends, to whom he refers as "the cast of Police Academy" and gets very angry when Dougal refers to him as simply "Len". At one point he forces Ted and Dougal to try and ban a blasphemous film. They end up accidently making it a success. At another point he generously gives them a £7000 car for a raffle to fix their roof. In the episode The Plague it transpires that the bishop also has a terrible fear of rabbits, having been involved in an "horrific incident" inside an elevator, where "[the animals] "nibbled on my cape and everything". He has a secret mistress and son living in California, similar to the real-life Eamon Casey, former Bishop of Galway. He is a Fianna Fáil voter.

On his DVD commentaries Graham Linehan suggests that also in the Brennan mix is the public persona of Father Michael Cleary, Casey's friend, one of the most popular faces of the church and a regular guest on the RTÉ Late Late Show whenever there was a debate about religious matters. Cleary's stringently expressed views on sexual morality were famously exposed to be at odds with his own private life when a book about his 26-year secret affair with his housekeeper Phyllis Hamilton entitled Secret Love: My Life with Father Michael Cleary was published in 1995 (the year the series started). The book was co-written by Hamilton with Paul Williams. Ted is seen to be reading this book at the start of an episode in series 2 and it is referred to in many other ways throughout the series run. [1] [2]

Dick Byrne, Cyril MacDuff and Jim Johnson

Father Dick Byrne (Maurice O'Donoghue), Ted's opposite number and arch-nemesis on the nearby Rugged Island. Dick is forever up to no good. As Ted pithily states, "As priests go... he's a really bad priest." His two colleagues on Rugged Island, Father Jim Johnson (Chris Curran) and Father Cyril MacDuff (Don Wycherley), are similar characters to Jack and Dougal, respectively. Dick Byrne and Father Ted are eternally involved in continual games of oneupmanship and become engaged in many and various bitter competitions (frequently betting four pounds on the outcome), in which both are more than willing to cheat. For example in the episode about Lent, ("Cigarettes and Alcohol and Rollerblading"), Father Ted's motivation to give things up is cited as: "I'm not going to be beaten by Dick Byrne in a giving things up competition, and that's what this is... a giving things up competition." It turns out that none of the Rugged island priests were obeying Lent vows.

Noel Furlong

Father Noel Furlong (Graham Norton) and his reluctant St Luke's Youth Group. Father Noel is overwhelmingly enthusiastic, regaling everyone in his company with song and dance. Even when buried under 'a big pile of rocks,' he continues to talk incessantly and cheerfully. His version of "Bohemian Rhapsody" was a high point of the series. His youth group eventually ran off to Paraguay to escape him. He appeared without the youth group once when, as the guardian of Father Faye (the Monkey Priest of Killybashangel) on the last episode of series two ("Flight Into Terror"), he was involved in an incident which almost resulted in the deaths of a plane full of priests returning from a pilgrimage. According to Graham Linehan's DVD commentary to the series two episode "Hell", Father Noel is a deeply closeted homosexual whose repression of his own sexuality has "driven him slightly mad", though Arthur Mathews stated in the series' scriptbook that he imagined Noel as being asexual. According to Linehan's DVD commentary, he is supposedly based on a real priest.

Larry Duff

Father Larry Duff (Tony Guilfoyle), a priest with a zest for life who Ted claims is "tremendous fun" around others. Ted often calls Larry for advice on his mobile phone. However, whenever Larry attempts to answer his phone, he suffers some unfortunate mishap or horrible accident, only to return in the next episode. Over the course of the series he only answers his phone twice, once while being held at gunpoint by the Irish army due to a gun smuggling incident; although Duff survives this phone call, it results in another priest being shot, and the second time in answer to Ted wanting to load off some rabbits to him, in which he claims that he does not want rabbits anymore because he has now got rottweilers. When he puts the phone down on Ted, the dogs attack him. He is a Fine Gael voter


John and Mary O'Leary

Local shop-owners Mary and John O'Leary (Rynagh O'Grady and Patrick Drury) who, while striving to appear sweetness and light to the clergy, are constantly at each other's throats and make numerous attempts to murder each other. As part of the continuing narrative, Ted and Dougal are constantly entering the store or encountering them on the island in the middle of a vicious argument. Ted always appears vaguely suspicious that all is not sweetness and light in their relationship, but to all intents and purposes Dougal appears entirely oblivious.


Tom (Pat Shortt) is an apparently insane resident of Craggy Island who appears whenever the need arises to highlight the surreal and manic nature of the island. He is always seen wearing an ancient, grubby t-shirt reading "I shot JR." Over the course of the series, he was implicated in a number of grisly and/or violent crimes, to which he either readily confessed ("I killed a man") or attempted to explain away ("Tis my money, I just didn't want to fill out the forms"). He reacts to most instructions or minor stimuli with outbursts of brutal violence, ranging from shotgunning a crow from three feet away to attempting to mutilate a family of rabbits with a katana after being asked to take care of them, this second instance being likened by Father Ted to Tom interpreting 'taking care of them' as doing so in the Al Pacino kind of way rather than the Julie Andrews kind of way that Father Ted had intended.


DVD Releases

In Australia, all series have been released on DVD PAL Region 4.

  • Father Ted - The Complete 1st Series - August 18, 2003
  • Father Ted - Series 2. Part 1 - August 8, 2003
  • Father Ted - Series 2. Part 2 - September 22, 2003
  • Father Ted - The Complete 3rd Series - Late 2003
  • Father Ted - The Definitive Collection (5 Disc Box Set) - November 5, 2007
  • Father Ted - The Complete 1st Series - March 4, 2010
  • Father Ted - The Complete 2nd Series (2 Disc Set) - March 4, 2010
  • Father Ted - The Complete 3rd Series (2 Disc Set) - February 4, 2010

Production details


Contrary to frequent rumours, Mathews and Linehan did not originally pitch the series to the Irish network RTÉ, but rather offered it directly to Hat Trick Productions and Channel 4 in the UK.

Writer Graham Linehan, on his DVD commentary on the first episode, says that Father Ted was a character that Arthur Mathews came up with and who was played by third member of the group Paul Woodfull when they did standup gigs in Ireland, playing as a band, The Joshua Trio. Dermot Morgan was picked for the role because he had previously played a priest in standup, as "Father Trendy". Linehan appeared in the first episode of Father Ted wearing a red jacket and a white "bobble" hat.


Three series and one Christmas special were completed. In addition Morgan and O'Hanlon in character hosted an hour of Comic Relief, during which Kelly and McLynn made brief appearances as Father Jack and Mrs Doyle in one of the routines. After the completion of filming for series three, Dermot Morgan died of a heart attack, aged 45. As a result, series three was first broadcast a week later than originally planned, out of respect for Morgan.

Just weeks before his death Morgan said that he did not want to continue playing the role of Father Ted for fear of being typecast.

"I don't want to be the next Clive Dunn and end up playing the same character for years."

It is probable that the name of the seminary known as St. Comb's[3], which Ted and a number of other priests in the show attended, was influenced by the name of St. Columb's College in Derry, Northern Ireland, of which Seamus Cassidy, a Channel 4 producer, was a past-pupil. In reality, Ireland's only remaining seminary is St Patrick's College, Maynooth.


The theme tune for the series was written and performed by The Divine Comedy, and was later reworked into "Songs of Love", a track from the album Casanova. (The song "Woman of the World" from the same album was also offered as a potential theme tune, but rejected.[4])

The band also contributed most of the show's original music, including its most famous song, the ridiculous "My Lovely Horse" used in the episode "Song For Europe", with singer Neil Hannon providing Ted's vocal in the "enhanced" version (this later appeared as a B-side on the band's single Gin Soaked Boy). Hannon also composed "My Lovely Mayo Mammy" for the episode "Night of the Nearly Dead" with the character Eoin McLove, as well as various other musical items heard in the show.


Location shooting for Father Ted was done mostly in County Clare, including locations at Ennis, Kilfenora, Ennistymon, and Kilnaboy. The Parochial House is McCormack's at Glenquin, on the Boston road from Kilnaboy. [5] [6] The cinema featured in "The Passion Of St Tibulus" was The Cinema by the Sea, Greystones, County Wicklow and "The Field", the location for Funland in "Good Luck, Father Ted", is in Portrane, North County Dublin. The opening sequence (including shots of the Plassey ship wreck) were filmed over Inis Oírr - the smallest of the Aran Islands. The interior scenes were filmed at LWT's The London Studios.


The "real" Craggy Island

In January 2007 a dispute arose between Inis Oírr (pop. 250) and Inis Mór (pop. 1,200) over which island can claim to be Craggy Island, and thereby host a three-day Friends of Ted Festival. It was decided that in appropriate Father Ted fashion the dispute would be settled by a five-a-side football match held on 25 February 2007. This was won by Inis Mór in a 2-0 match allowing them to use the title of Craggy Island until February 2008, whilst Inis Oírr was given the title of Rugged Island.


The show has developed an almost cult-like status in Ireland, where it is still regarded as one of the best television productions of Irish origin ever. The show is currently being repeated on More4 and RTÉ Two. All three series have been available through the OnDemand service of Virgin Media in the UK but now they have only one series at a time, switching between the three, however all three series and the Christmas Special are available on 4oD. In an unusual step for a Channel 4 programme, on November 8 2008 BBC Two showed an episode as part of its tribute night to producer Geoffrey Perkins, who had died just over two months before.[7]

Pauline McLynn reprised her role as Mrs Doyle in 2001 for a small set of advertisements for Inland Revenue, reminding people to get their taxes in on time by uttering her catchphrase ('Go on, go, on') over and over again. Not surprisingly, it was voted the most irritating advertising campaign of 2001, beating competition from the now-infamous Ferrero Rocher advertisement. Coincidentally, Mrs Doyle was also involved in a spoof of this confectionery-related ad in the episode "Tentacles of Doom".



  1. ^ IMDB.com - Release dates for "Father Ted"
  2. ^ Father Ted: The Complete Scripts, p.52
  3. ^ From the Father Ted script book
  4. ^ As stated by Neil Hannon in the documentary Half Minute Melodies, BBC Radio 4, 3 February 2000. Hannon offered a choice of tunes to the producers; his personal preference was for "Woman of the World".
  5. ^ McCormack's at Glenquin used for external shots of the parochial house in the Father Ted TV series 53°00′35″N 9°01′48″W / 53.00976°N 9.02998°W / 53.00976; -9.02998
  6. ^ http://www.feck.net/splange/ftfaq.html
  7. ^ http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00fn9ns

External links


Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

Father Ted (1995-1998) was a television situation comedy set on the extremely remote fictional Craggy Island off the west coast of Ireland. It was written by Arthur Mathews and Graham Linehan.

The main characters were Father Ted, Mrs Doyle (the housekeeper), the simple-minded Father Dougal and the permanently drunk Father Jack.


Series 1

Good Luck, Father Ted

(After Dougal pretends to be on Top of the Pops using the screen from the broken TV.)
Father Jack: How did that gobshite get on the television???!!!

Mrs Doyle: Now... (pouring Jack a cup of tea) ... and what do you say to a cup?
Father Jack: Feck off, cup!

(Dougal struggles to remember his prayers.)
Father Dougal: Our Father, who art in heaven...
Father Ted: (sternly) Hallowed.
Father Dougal: Hallowed be thy..
Father Ted: Name!
Father Dougal: Papa don't preach...

(As Dougal and Ted attempt to sleep.)
Father Dougal: Knock, knock!
Father Ted: Who's there?
Father Dougal: Father Dougal McGuire.
Father Ted: Good night Dougal!

Tom (wearing an "I Shot JR" T-shirt): Father?
Father Ted: Yes, Tom?
Tom: I've killed a man.

Father Dougal: Come on, Ted. Sure it's no more peculiar than all that stuff we learned in the seminary, you know, Heaven and Hell and everlasting life and all that type of thing. You're not meant to take it seriously, Ted!

(As Ted and Dougal watch Dougal on the newly repaired TV.)
Father Jack: That gobshite again! Is he never off the air?! (hurls glass bottle at the television.)

Mary: Titface! Y'have a face like a pair of tits!
John: At least that's one pair between us.

Entertaining Father Stone

Father Ted: Old women are closer to God than we'll ever be. They get to that age and they don't need the operator anymore. They've got the direct line.

Father Ted: That would be quite common you know. The favourite son would become a doctor and then the idiot brother would be sent off to the priesthood.
Father Dougal: Your brother is a doctor isn't he?
Father Ted: Yes he is.

The Passion of St Tibulus

Father Ted: Down with this sort of thing!
Dougal: Careful now!

Dougal: Do you remember that bit when St. Tibulus, he tried to take that banana off the other lad?
Father Ted: That wasn't a banana, Dougal.

Dougal: ...was Sergeant Thornton a policeman?
John O'Leary: Er...he was, yes. Why do you think he wore the uniform?
Dougal: Ah, I thought he was just having a laugh.

Competition Time

Sergeant Deegan: God, this reminds me of Vietnam.
Father Ted: Were you in Vietnam, sergeant?
Sergeant Deegan: Ah, no no, I mean, you know, the films.

And God Created Woman

Mrs Doyle: Here you are, Father. It's a beautiful day out.
Father Jack: Me arse!

Father Jack: (as Dougal wheels him on his chair with Mrs Doyle holding the door) Nuns! NUNS! Reverse! Reverse! Reverse!

Father Ted: (as Tom comes out of the Post Office with money, to the sound of a robbery alarm and a gunshot) Ya haven't been up to your auld tricks again, have ya?
Tom: No, Father. 'Tis my money. I just didn't want to fill out the forms.

Grant unto Him Eternal Rest

Father Dougal (to Sister Monica): So then, you're a nun!

Father Dougal (to Sister Monica): Ted says you were touching him!

Sister Monica: Oh Holy Mother of God! He's dead!
Father Dougal: What's the problem there, sister?

Father Ted (to Father Jack): Ah come on Father, you're not dead again are you?

Father Dougal: Well we are gathered here today to join two people... oh wait, that's not it...

Father Dougal: So anyway, you're there now with Our Lord and Stalin and Bob Marley and my own parents...,

Father Ted: Right, well it looks bad alright. I called Dr. Sinnot, I gave him the symptoms over the phone and he said he's probably dead alright. The pulse not being there is bad enough, but the heart stopping is the real danger sign.

Father Jim Sutton: Why is it always the good ones? You BASTARD! (shakes fist to Heaven) He could've been Pope! No no no, he's dead Ted awww we'll never see him again!
Father Ted: We'll see him in the next world.
Father Jim Sutton: Oh yeah, sure!!

Father Dougal, catching Jack's will after Ted faints: Half a million pounds each? (Scans document) Ah no. Between us. It's only a quarter of a million pounds each Ted. Ted? Ted? (looks around confused)

Laura Sweeney: When is the funeral again?
Father Dougal: Again? We haven't had the first one yet!

Father Dougal to Laura Sweeney: If you're a solicitor I'm Boy George. (Next scene) Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon...

Father Dougal (on confessions): A load of strangers telling you their sins. Sure who'd be bothered with that?

Father Dougal: Ted do you believe in the afterlife?
Father Ted: Well generally priests have a very strong belief in the afterlife.
Father Dougal: Ooh I wish I had your faith Ted!
Father Ted: Dougal, how did you get into the church? Was it like, "Collect twelve crisp packets and become a priest"?

Series 2


Father Dougal: I wouldn't know Ted, you big bollocks!

Father Dougal (on July 19): Would that be the day the Ice Age ended?

Mrs Doyle: It doesn't matter what day it is, Father. There is always time for a nice cup of tea! Sure didn't our Lord himself on the cross pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world?

Mrs Doyle (on saying "no"): It's a lovely word Our Lord gave us here on earth for when we don't want any cake!

Father Dougal (on the Magic Road): That's nearly as mad as that thing you told me about the loaves and fishes!

Father Jack: Where am I? What's that (in/thing) there? Are those my feet?

Father Dougal: Will I put on the kettle?
Father Ted: Go on then.
Father Dougal: ...must be one of those ones that clicks off automatically.
Father Ted: Mmm...bit of steam there. Incidentally, did you bring any teabags?
Father Dougal: ...no.
Father Dougal:Kettle's boiled there Ted.
Father Ted: Mmm.
Father Dougal: Will I put more water in and turn it on again?
Father Ted: No... I liked it best the first time.

Father Ted is demonstrating some plastic toy cows to Dougal.
Father Ted: ...OK, one last time. These are small... but the ones out there are far away. Small... far away... ah forget it!

Father Dougal: Do you want to walk over to that fence?
Father Ted: Oh no, best not; I don't want to blow up with excitement

Father Noel Furlong (on Tony Lynch): He wasn't like that last night when he crawled into bed at ten past the eleven!

Father Noel Furlong (on Ted and Dougal's strong bladders): Ye're like a bunch of camels!

Father Noel Furlong (on Ted): Who's a bit of a moaning Michael tonight!

Father Dougal (as Ted struggles with the car door): You're alright there, Ted. He's a fair bit away ... it might be worth speeding up a bit there.

Father Dougal: God Ted, he's probably very cold now that his towel has blown away!

Think Fast, Father Ted

The parochial house roof is leaking, and they need to raise some money...
Father Ted: God Almighty, that's going to cost a fortune to fix. Where are we going to get the money? Think, Dougal, how can we raise some money?
Father Dougal: Hmmm....
Ted: Yes, I know. Aha! (give knowing glance)
Dougal: Aha!
Ted: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Dougal: I think so, Ted. But now wait, I'm not sure....
Ted: What?
Dougal: I mean, it is a big step, and err, where are we going to get the guns?
Ted: (mystified) What are you talking about?
Dougal: Oh, wait a minute now - actually I might have been thinking about something different...
Ted: You thought we were going to rob a bank, didn't you?
Dougal: I did, yeah!
Ted: Well, Dougal, this isn't a Bruce Willis film. I was thinking more along the lines of a raffle.

Father Purcell: "Well this is a piece of advice my father gave to me. This refers not only to lagging, but all forms of insulation: he said "dont ever"...no, wait, it was "always"...no, "never" - oh, I forgot. Never mind. Whats your favourite humming noise? Would it be mmm-mmmmm or would it be mmmm-mm? The first one there, now thats the sound of a fridge; and the second one, thats the sound of a man humming. You never hear a woman humming. I knew a woman once, but she died soon afterwards. Now if you push me to it, I'd have to say my favourite colour is grey. No, blue. A soft blue with a hint of grey. No, orange. Yes, orange. I remember now. Now, I had an extension put on the house, and I put it on the extension, so the house is in a circle now, you see...
Father Purcell: "We run the electricity off the gas and the gas off the electricity and we save two hundred pounds a year, but then a few weeks later ah god, I'll never forget it now, we got a new boiler..."

Father Ted: (to Father Purcell) Actually I'd just like to borrow Father Jack for a moment...
Father Jack: Thank CHRIST!

(The roof is leaking and water is dripping onto Father Jack's head down his arm and into his glass. Ted and Dougal begin to move Jack's chair away from the leak)

Father Jack:(Waking up) I'm a happy camper!

(Father Jack reaches for his glass and begins to drink)

Father Ted:(Panicked) No Father don't drink that it's...
Father Jack: FECKIN' WATER!

(Ted has just convinced Father Finnegan, the 'Dancing Priest', to loan him his car to show off as a 'raffle prize' in place of the wrecked car from Bishop Brennan. Ted holds the keys in front of Dougal)

Father Ted: Bingo!
Father Dougal: No luck then, Ted?

Father Dougal: (on struggling to make out the number eleven on his ticket) Sorry Ted, I was looking at the ticket upside down.

Father Jack: Shops! Drink! Corner! Shops! Got out! TRUCK!
Father Ted: A truck?!
Father Jack: TWO trucks!!!

Tentacles of Doom

Father Ted: Bloody hell!
Father Dougal: Good news Ted?

Father Dougal: (on the Holy Stone of Clonrichert) I thought there was someone cured there?
Father Ted: No, someone was lured there. It was Paddy Short, then those fellas started to beat him with the sticks.

Father Dougal: But who cares anyway? They come in, they strip down the wallpaper, they fumigate the place and then they're gone!
Father Ted: Dougal! They're bishops!

Father Dougal: (looking out of the window with binoculars) No sign of them yet Ted...
Father Ted: (points to bishops on sofa) Ahem, Dougal, eh they're here.

Father Dougal: Bishops love sci-fi!

Father Ted: That's the great thing about Catholicism. It's so vague and no one really knows what it's about.

Father Jack: (to Bishop O'Neill) That would be an ecumenical matter.
Bishop O'Neill: Yes. I suppose it would! That's a good point Father.

Father Ted: Mrs Doyle, have you got your contacts in?
Mrs Doyle: No, a dog ran off with them.

Father Ted: Dougal, do you know if we have any incense?
Father Dougal: (after a wide-eyed long pause) There was a spider in the bath last night.

Father Dougal: (to Bishop O'Neill) So, if God has existed forever...you know, what did he do in his spare time, like, before he made the Earth and everything?

All: Amen.
Father Dougal: Eamonn.

Old Grey Whistle Theft

Father Dougal: God Ted, I've heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's going to come back and judge us all.
Father Ted: No...no Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism you're talking about there.
Father Dougal: Whole of this Catholic thing is a bit of a puzzler, isn't it Ted?

Frank: Fup off, you grasshole!

Song for Europe

Dougal: I've got Eurosong fever, Ted.
Ted: Yeah?
Dougal: Oh god, yeah. I love the Eurosong competition. I just can't wait. What time is it now?
Father Ted: Half past one.
Dougal: Half one?! And the competition is on in...
Father Ted: May.

Father Dougal: [Intensely] Let's do it!
Father Ted: [Soothing] Dougal, don't take it so seriously. At the end of the day, it's all just a bit of fun.
[Later; Ted is smoking a cigarette and the room is filled with smoke]
Father Ted: [Tense] Just play the [beep!]ing note!
Father Dougal: The first one?
Father Ted: [Exploding] No not the [beep!]ing first one! The [beep!]ing first one's already [beep!]ing down! Just play the [beep!]ing note you were [beep!]ing playing earlier! I've been playing the [beep!]ing first one! We have the [beep!]ing first one!

Charles Hedges: Hello, Father Crilly. I'm Charles Hedges, your producer for this evening, and this is...
Father Ted': Oh, you don't need to tell me! Mr. Rickwood, I'm delighted to meet you. I thought you did a brilliant job presenting last year's show.
Fred Rickwood: [Slurred] Wellthatsthebusinesslikeyouknowwhatimeanyouknowinandoutthedoorsandgiddyup!
Father Ted: Sorry?
Fred Rickwood: [Slurred] Likethebusinessyouknowgetitoutthedoorsandgiddyup.
Father Ted: Ah, yes...
Fred Rickwood: [Slurred] Wellanywayshamehithimshaveabollock. [exits]
Father Ted: Mmm. Mmm. I have to say, I thought he sounded a lot better on last year's show.
Charles Hedges: Well, once he's on-stage he's fine.

The Plague

Father Ted: What will we call Jack then? Flipper? Flipper the Priest!
Father Jack: Yes?

Father Dougal: It's like a big rabbit rock festival!

Father Jack: (points at rabbits) Rats!
Father Ted: Yes father, we can see them as well.
Father Jack: Hairy Japanese bastards!

Father Ted: That's a very nice sword. Where exactly are you going to put the rabbits?
Tom: In the vice, father.

Tom: (about the rabbits) I could run them down in me van!

Tom: Have you nothing I could kill at all all, Father?
Father Ted: Uh no Tom, no.
Tom: Well, feck it anyway!
Father Ted: Run Dougal, run quite fast!

Bishop Brennan: What would the following mean to you, Crilley: 'Jack', 'sleepwalking', and 'bollock naked'?

Bishop Brennan: Once Again I am forced from my comfy fireside to deal with the cast of Police Academy.

Mrs Doyle: (arrives with lettuce and bowl of water) Time for dinny poos!

(Ted grabs the rabbit food.)

Mrs Doyle: Your tyres look a bit flat. I could give them a blow up for you with the pump!

Mrs Doyle: (on Bishop Brennan's car) So it'd do a terrible amount of damage if I put petrol in?

Father Ted: (trying to stall Bishop Brennan) Who'd have thought somebody from Limerick'd get this far?
Father Dougal: (shouting up the stairs) Ted, did Len find the rabbits?
Bishop Brennan: You address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!

Father Ted: Because Dougal, my head is shot. I won't be able to relax until the only rabbit here is the one sitting in your head working the controls.

Rock-a-Hula Ted

Niamh Conolly: The church in Ireland secretly had lots of potatoes during the famine, and they hid the potatoes in pillows and sold them abroad in potato fairs. And the Pope closed down a lot of the factories that were makin' the potatoes and turned them into prisons for children.
Father Ted: God almighty, she says that as if there's something sinister about it all! I mean, what is the problem with her?!

Cigarettes and Alcohol and Rollerblading

Father Ted: I suppose, I made your vow for you. But I know that deep down inside you'd like to make a little sacrifice.
Father Jack: Sacrifice?! Arse!!

(Phone Conversation)

Nun: On special offer this month we have the Lenten package. £150 - plus V.A.T. - plus booking fee, that's £200.
Father Ted: £200?! I'm not trying to buy cocaine!

Mrs Doyle: (While Ted is trying to eat a sausage) They were a bit obsessed with the old...S-E-X. God I'm glad I never think of that type of thing Father. That whole sexual world. God, when you think of it it's a dirty, filthy thing, isn't it Father? Can you imagine Father? Can you imagine Father, looking up at your husband, and him standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself? God almighty can you imagine that Father? Can you picture it there Father? Oh get a good mental picture of it. Can you see him there? Ready to do the business?

Father Jack: (having sobered up) Where are the other two?
Father Ted: "Other two?" Oh, the old vision's back to normal. No, it's just us Father.
Father Jack: And what do you two do?
Father Ted: Well, we're priests.
Father Jack: What? Priests? Don't tell me I'm still on that fecking island!
Father Ted: How are you feeling, Father? It must be great to be sober every once in a while. Or... every twelve years.

Father Jack: (After sobering up) (pointing at various items in the room) Chair! Curtains! Floor! (points at Father Ted) Gobshite!

Father Jack: (After sobering up) Hey! Hey, you there! What the hell is this? (holds up a spoon)

Father Jack [sees Sister Assumpta]: Nan!
Father Ted: No, Father this is a nun.
Father Jack [Terrified]: Nun! [screams and runs out the window]
Father Ted: [Waves] Bye, Father! He's just out for his walk...

New Jack City

Father Fintan Stack: I want to listen to some music.
Father Ted: Oh, go right ahead.
Father Stack: I wasn't asking for permission.

Father Ted: He's not a very nice man, is he?
Dougal: God Ted I've never met anyone like him anyway. Who would he be like? Hitler or one of those mad fellas.
Father Ted: Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at three o'clock in the morning!

Father Fintan Stack: What are we watching?
Father Ken Dillon: We're looking at the sports day.
Father Fintan Stack: Lots of young fellas running around in shorts? That's the kind of thing you like looking at. (Turns to Father Shanahan) And I'll bet you like that too. You're probably imagining what they'd look like without shorts. You're sitting there, imagining that, with a big smile on your face. Ya dirty fecker!
Father Ted: Father Stack, if you're trying to embarass us, you're not succeeding.
Father Stack: Yes I am.
Father Rory Shanahan: Well I have to say, I think that you're a very rude man.
Father Stack: If you ever say that to me again, I'll put your head through the wall.
(Door swings open, sound of beer cans being kicked. Dougal is very obviously drunk)
Father Ted: Dougal, where did you go to?
Dougal: Ted, how are ya!
Father Ted: (Dougal hugs Ted, Ted resists) Dougal, what the...
Dougal: Guess what, Ted?
Father Ted: What?
Dougal:(confused) What?
Father Ted: Dougal! Have you been drinking?
Dougal: I have, Ted! I've been drinking like a mad eejit! No, no, oh wait! (gives a drawn-out wink to Father Stack) No I haven't!
Father Ted: Dougal, I'm ashamed of you.
Dougal: (shakes Ted) Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted, Ted. Come here Teddy, Teddy, Ted, Ted, you're my best friend. God I love being a priest. We're all going to heaven lads, waheyy.
Father Stack: Perhaps I should explain, your little friend and I were enjoying ourselves with a bottle of whiskey I found upstairs.
Father Ted: Oh, well, that is the last straw.
Dougal: I'm driving! I'm driving home, I'm perfectly capable... (passes out. Fintan picks up the car keys)
Father Stack: Oh, by the way. I got the keys to your car, and I drove it into a big wall. If you don't like it, tough! (uses key to clean out his ear) I had my fun, and that's all that matters.
Dougal: I can see up your trousers, Ted!
Father Ted: Right, well that's it. I thought giving alcohol to Dougal was the last straw, but I was obviously wrong as this is definitely the last bit of straw left in the thing. Basically what I'm saying is... there's no more straw left!
Father Shanahan: Ted, it's getting a little late.
Father Dillon: Yes, I really think we should go.
Father Ted: No, you don't have to go.
Father Shanahan: I think we should.
Father Stack: (leers at the two priests as they exit) Woooh! Bye girls, pair of wankers.
Father Ted: Oh right, that's it. Come on Dougall, I think we've had quite enough of Father Stack's company for one evening.
Dougal: To the pub, Ted.

Flight into Terror

Father Noel Furlong: Oh God! He must have seen his reflection! He's not supposed to see his reflection! He doesn't know he's a priest!

A Christmassy Ted

Dougal: God, I can't wait to see what's under tomorrow's window. I bet it's a donkey or something.
Father Ted': Really? So, you've changed from your initial prediction of... what was it again? "Ruud Gullit sitting on a shed." God, Dougal, where do you get these ideas from? I bet it's just a lovely angel. What do you think's under tomorrow's window, Father?
Father Jack: A pair of feckin' women's knickers!
Father Ted: Who knows...
Father Jack: Knickers!
Father Ted: Yes, Father.
Father Jack: Women's knickers!
Father Ted: Yes, Father, Yes! Message understood.

Father Ted: Oh God, Dougal. We're in Lingerie!
Dougal: Where's the problem there, Ted?

Father Ted: Who's got the most boring voice?
Billy: What?
Father Ted: Of the lot of us, who's got the most boring voice?
Fitzgerald: (extremely dull voice) That'd be me, Ted...
Father Ted: Right, now, listen to me--
Fitzgerald: I have an awful dreary monotonous voice, God help me...
Father Ted: Yes, yes, now listen--
Reilly: (loud stage voice) Ted! Were you asking for a dramatic, exciting voice?
Fitzgerald: No. He said boring. He wanted a boring voice.
Reilly: In that case, you must excuse me for my impetuous interruption!
Father Ted: Listen! This is what we're going to do...
Dougal: (to Father Terry) What's going on?
Terry: I think Ted has a plan.
Dougal: No, I mean in general.
Terry: Well, he's going to get us out of the lingerie section.
Fitzgerald: (speaking into intercom, boring voice) Ladies and gentlemen, could you please bring your purchases to the checkout as the store is about to close. Hurry up. Come on, hurry up, will ye...
(customers begin to walk towards the gathered priests)
Father Ted: (grabbing the microphone) Not that way, for feck's sake, the other way!

Series 3

Are You Right There, Father Ted?

Father Ted: Maybe he's agoraphobic.
Father Dougal: Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted.

Craggy Island Farmer: I hear you're a racist now father.

Father Ted: Look at that! A perfectly square bit of black dirt on the window!

Father Ted: But best of all the Chinese people themselves. Look at them there, aren't they great? The Chinese; a great bunch of lads.

Father Ted: I'm not a fascist, I'm a priest. Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas...priests... More drink! (All cheer)

Chirpy Burpy Cheap Sheep

Mrs Doyle: Do you think would our new guest like a cup of tea Father? The little sheep fellow.
Father Ted: I don't think they drink tea Mrs Doyle. Not unless you have some sheep tea (laughs)
Mrs Doyle: Yes.
Father Ted: What?
Mrs Doyle: I do have some sheep tea in the kitchen.
Father Ted: Right, well, erm... Give him some of that then.
Mrs Doyle: Okay so!

Father Ted: This competition...is a sham! And a fraud! And a...sham!

Indiscernible audience member at the competition (whenever something shocking is revealed): Fucking hell!

Alan: Should I call the police, Father?
Father Ted: No. He's lost the trust of his sheep. That's punishment enough for a farmer who deals primarily...with sheep.

Speed 3

Pat: You wouldn't be advising the use of artificial contraception now Father? Would ya?
Father Ted: Yes I...no I...if you're going to be...I...of course you, you...just feck off!

Father Ted: [trips over a brick Jack is dragging round on a piece of string] Wha... what's going on!?
Mrs Doyle: Father Hackett's got very fond of that brick. It's a great old pet for him! He doesn't have to feed it or clean it or take it to the vet. Suits him down to the ground!
Father Jack: I love my, brick!
Father Ted: Ah, that's nice. Perhaps we're seeing a new side to Father Jack? A more caring, considerate...
[Jack suddenly hurls the brick at Ted, knocking him out]
Father Jack: Ah, feck it! Fed up with "briiiiiick"!

[After Father Dougal has encountered some naked women at the very begining of the episode; last line of the episode]
Father Dougal: Those women were in the nip!

Mr. Fox: (Dougal's New Boss) You'd better get going, actually. Milk gets sour y'know. Unless it's UHT milk, but there's no demand for that because it's shite.

Mrs. Doyle: Oh, Pat was wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box.
Father Ted: What! How dare you!
Pat (raising an enormous adjustable spanner): Yes, too big for the milk float.

Pat: [In a menacing phone call to Ted] You got me sacked. And now I'm having to yank meself off around the clock because I'm not getting proper sex with girls!

The Mainland

Father Jack: Feckin' birds again.

Upon meeting Richard Wilson, a.k.a. Victor Meldrew
Father Ted: (yells loudly) I don't believe it!

Wilson violently assaults Ted, and has to be restrained

Richard Wilson: I'll bloody well kill you!

Escape from Victory

Father Dougal: There's nothing stupid about football! And there's nothing at all stupid about the Annual All-Priests Five-a-Side over 75s Indoor Football Challenge Match, against Rugged Island.

Father Dougal: Didn't you once say that Father Jack had a trial for Liverpool?
Father Ted: No... no, he was on trial, in Liverpool.

Father Dougal: God, Ted. D'you remember that fella who was so good at fashion they had to shoot him?

Father Ted: So there's...no way he'll be able to play?
Father Niall: No. No, he's dead.

Father Ted: More bad news, Dougal. I've just been speaking to Father Ned Fitzmorris. He tripped on a paving stone and one of his kneecaps fell off. There's no way around it...I'm going to have to put him in goal.

Father Dougal: Got the forfeit, Ted!
Father Ted: Oh God...
Father Dougal: Dick said it was an extra-special forfeit, because you were such a big cheatin' bastard.
Father Ted: All right, open it, open it! The tension is killing me!
Father Dougal: Ah don't worry Ted, he probably just wants you to clean his car or some...
Father Ted: What is it!? Break it to me gently!
Father Dougal: All right. [reads] Ted. By this time next week you have to...
Father Ted: What?
Father Dougal: You have to...
Father Ted: What!? [snatches the letter off Dougal, reads it, horrified] Kick Bishop Brennan up the arse!

Kicking Bishop Brennan up the Arse

Father Ted: I was just thinking about my next parish. Bishop Brennan is always threatening to send me somewhere unpleasant, and this time I think he just might go through with it. You see...I'm going to kick him up the arse.

Bishop Brennan: Don't call me "Len", you little prick! I'm a bishop!
Dougal: Oh right. (pause) Well done.

Father Ted: Do you not notice the holy smell of the room?
Dougal: Ah, Ted, I think that might just be Father Jack's underpants hamper.

Mrs. Doyle: Shall I make the beds in the spare room?
Father Jessup: [sarcastic] No, we'll sleep outside in a ditch!
Mrs. Doyle: OK... would you like a cup of tea?
Father Jessup: [sarcastic] No, I'd rather die of thirst.
Mrs. Doyle: [uncertain] Ok...
Father Ted: [quiet] Mrs. Doyle, I think Father Jessup might have been being a bit... sarcastic...
Mrs. Doyle: Really? Were you being sarcastic, Father Jessup?
Father Jessup: [still sarcastic] No, I really would like to die of thirst.
Mrs. Doyle: [looks confusedly at Father Ted]
Father Ted: [quiet] Mrs. Doyle, I know it's a bit confusing, but the trick is to do the opposite to what Father Jessup says.
Mrs. Doyle: [very uncertain] So, you really... do... want a cup of tea?
Father Jessup: [exasperated] Yes! [reaches out for the cup]
Mrs. Doyle: [takes the cup away, and looks very pleased with herself thinking she has understood correctly]

[Father Jack awakens and moves, rattling some cans of drink]

Bishop Brennan: Aha, the Kraken awakes! Did we disturb you, Father Hackett?
Father Jack: Arse biscuits!
Father Jessup: What? How dare you! You apologise to his grace immediately!
Father Jack: [in a sarcastic manner] I'm so, so, sorry.
Father Ted: [addressing Mrs Doyle] Now, that's sarcasm.

Bishop Brennan: [angry] What brings me here, well I suppose the company, eh? Or the fresh air? Or the view from my window of that enormous pile of sludge?! But top of the list would be the matter of you kicking me up the arse!

Father Ted: [to Father Jack, scaring him] FECK OFF!!

Night of the Nearly Dead

Father Dougal: I'm hugely confused, Ted...

Father Dougal: It's like a big tide of jam coming towards us, but jam made out of old women.

Eoin McLove: Go away... (pause for thought) ...you big dirty pile of old biddies!

Eoin McLove: Go away! I don't want to catch the menopause!
Father Dougal:(Looking out the Window)I'm no good at judging the size of crowds,but i'd say theres around seventeen million of them out there
Father Dougal:You're not scared of the dark,are you?It's only cause the sun goes...and...its got something to do with clouds

Father Jack: They lie in wait like wolves. The smell of blood in their nostrils. Waiting. Interminably waiting. And then...
Father Dougal: He's right, Ted.

Eoin McLove: (To Ted) I can have you killed!

Patsy: Thanks for everything, Father. Oh, and thanks for not mentioning Eoin's "problem."
Father Ted: Oh yes, you mentioned that before. What was it?
Eoin: I have no willy.

Eoin McLove: Well Father, you've got 4 out of 5 questions right on your specialist subject, William Shatner's Tek Wars. So, if you get the general knowledge question right, the £500 will be yours. Oh no! People will think this is rigged. John Paul II. What was his name before he became pope?
Father Ted: (long pause across end credits) Jim?

Going to America

Father Cagney: I know they're gonna love ya in the States, Ted. You put on a show! But remember, it's a competitive market! You'll be up against Billy Graham and those Nation of Islam guys! You gotta get your own inch, you gotta grab 'em! You know where to grab 'em?
Father Ted: Yeah, by the balls!
Father Cagney: I was gonna say by the shoulders...

Father Ted: The way I feel now...I could convert gays!

Mrs Doyle: I got someone to come around and take away all the furniture and burn it in a big fire!

Dougal: Now you're going to tell us you're Santa or something!
Ted: No, I... I'm the opposite to Santa.
Dougal: What, the anti-Santa?!

Dougal: Who are you? What are you doing here?
Father Ted: This is Father Buzz Cagney. He's here on a short visit. He's from America.
Dougal: America, eh? We were just talking about that fella Kurt Cobain. He was from America. Imagine blowing your head off with a shot-gun. How'd he manage to survive that?
Ted: He didn't, Dougal... he died.
Dougal: Oh right.

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