Flight of the Conchords (TV series): Wikis


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Flight of the Conchords
Conchords Intro.png
Flight of the Conchords intertitle.
Genre Musical
Created by James Bobin
Jemaine Clement
Bret McKenzie
Starring Jemaine Clement
Bret McKenzie
Rhys Darby
Kristen Schaal
Arj Barker
Country of origin United States
Language(s) English
No. of seasons 2
No. of episodes 22 (List of episodes)
Executive producer(s) James Bobin
Stu Smiley
Troy Miller
Producer(s) Anna Dokoza
Location(s) New York City
Camera setup Single camera
Running time approx. 26 min.
Original channel HBO
Picture format 480p (2007)
1080p (2009)
Original run June 17, 2007 – March 22, 2009
External links
Official website

Flight of the Conchords was an American television comedy series that followed the adventures of the Flight of the Conchords, a two-man novelty band from New Zealand, as its members seek fame and success in New York City. The show starred the real-life duo, Jemaine Clement and Bret McKenzie, who play fictionalized versions of themselves.

The show was created by Clement, McKenzie and James Bobin. Bobin serves as the show's main writer and director. The first episode of the series aired on HBO in 2007. Season 2 of Flight of the Conchords premiered on HBO and HBO Canada in 2009.

On December 11 2009, the duo announced that they will not be returning for a third season.[1]



The series centers on the day-to-day lives and loves of two shepherds-turned-musicians, Jemaine and Bret (Jemaine Clement and Bret McKenzie, playing fictionalised versions of themselves), who have uprooted themselves from their native New Zealand to try to make it big as a novelty folk duo in New York City. The two have frequent appointments with their band manager, Murray Hewitt (Rhys Darby), a Deputy Cultural Attaché at the New Zealand consulate, who is overly officious and ineffectual. Jemaine and Bret constantly fend off the amorous attentions of Mel (Kristen Schaal), a married woman who is their sole fan and stalker. Their friend Dave Mohumbhai (Arj Barker) works at a pawn shop and gives them advice on dealing with American women and culture. Other recurring characters include their landlord, Eugene (played by Eugene Mirman), Bret's short-term girlfriend Coco (Sutton Foster), Jemaine and Bret's ex-girlfriend Sally (Rachel Blanchard) and Murray's put-upon assistant Greg (Frank Wood).

Most episodes center on the five main cast members. The antagonists outside of this small group are usually either their girlfriends or Australians (see "Bret Gives Up the Dream", "Sally Returns").

Jemaine or Bret break into song periodically throughout each episode. The songs are built into the narrative structure of the show in several different ways. Some songs form part of the plot of the show. In these instances, Bret or Jemaine sing to another character. Other songs serve as the internal monologue of one of the two. Typically, at least once per show, a song is shot in the form of a music video. Some songs use a combination of the styles. For example, in the first episode, "Sally", the song "Most Beautiful Girl in the Room" is a mix of Jemaine's inner thoughts, which are inaudible to those around him, and his spoken invitations to Sally to get a kebab and to go back to his place, while the music video for "Business Time" (from "Sally Returns") depicts a daydream that Jemaine is having. As the series has evolved, other main characters have also had their own musical interludes that are depicted in a similar manner to Jemaine and Bret's own songs.

The enthusiastic manner in which the characters express themselves through song is in stark contrast to the very low-key, monotone manner in which the characters express themselves throughout the rest of the show. Thus, when the characters cannot verbalize their feelings, the songs serve as inner monologues and explain the thoughts and feelings they are unable to communicate to others.[2]


Main cast

Name Played by Description
Jemaine Clemaine[3] Jemaine Clement Band member; plays bass among other things. Bret's roommate. He rarely smiles or laughs and typically over thinks even the most mundane situations.
Bret McClegnie[3] Bret McKenzie Band member; plays guitar and piano. Jemaine's roommate.
Murray Hewitt Rhys Darby Murray is the band's manager. His day job is Deputy Cultural Attaché at the New Zealand consulate. He has few friends and an on-and-off relationship with his never-seen wife, Shelley. While he is passionate about the band and aspires to be a successful manager, he is largely incompetent in his well-meaning attempts at promoting the Conchords.
Mel Kristen Schaal Mel is the Conchords' lone fan and stalks them obsessively in pursuit of a romantic liaison despite the fact that she is married to Doug, her former college professor. In the episode "Bowie" she claims that she is a Junior Professor of Psychology. In "New Fans" it is implied that she has been through legal trouble for stalking.
Devjeet "Dave" Mohumbhai[4] Arj Barker A friend of Bret and Jemaine who works at his family's pawn shop "Mohumbhai & Son" and dispenses off-kilter advice about women and life in America. He still lives with his parents, though tries to cover it up by pretending they are his crazy roommates who just think they are his parents. Bret and Jemaine overestimate Dave's pseudo-womanizing personality and often go to him for relationship advice.

Recurring characters

A number of characters have appeared in more than one episode.

Name Played by Description Episodes
Greg Frank Wood Murray's assistant at the consulate. In the episode "The Actor", it was suggested that he is Murray's only friend besides Bret and Jemaine, though Murray has stated otherwise. 101, 102, 105, 106, 107, 111, 112, 201, 203, 207, 209, 210
Eugene Eugene Mirman Bret and Jemaine's landlord, who often interjects into conversations in which he is not welcome. He has appeared in several musical sequences, and appears to be proficient in several instruments including saxophone & steel drums. He is often seen involved in fixing the plumbing in the building and in Bret and Jemaine's apartment. 101, 102, 103, 105, 108, 111, 112, 202, 206, 209, 210
Doug David Costabile Mel's husband. When Doug appears in an episode it is usually because he is driving Mel to a band gig or stalking mission. In the episode "Bowie" it is revealed that he was previously the Senior Professor of Psychology at the university which Mel attended, but was fired and is now unemployed. It's implied in the episode "New Fans" that he and his family had a restraining order against Mel at one point before he married her, and he also had a problem with addiction at some point in the past. It is also implied in the same episode that Doug lost his job for starting a relationship with Mel, who at the time was one of his students. 101, 102, 106, 109, 110, 201, 203, 207, 209, 210
Coco Sutton Foster Bret's girlfriend for several episodes. Bret and Coco meet while working as part-time sign holders. They break up in the "Sally Returns" episode because it's clear that Bret still has feelings for Sally. 102, 104, 105
Sally Rachel Blanchard Bret's former girlfriend. She dates Jemaine briefly on two separate occasions, but eventually accepts a marriage proposal from a rich Australian in the episode "Sally Returns". 101, 105
John Lenny Venito A mugger who once mugged Bret and Jemaine but befriends Jemaine while they share a jail cell. It was later revealed that he once killed a monkey. He returned in the episode "Wingmen" when he and Jemaine mugged Bret in an attempt to make Bret look cool in front of a girl. 103, 209
Bryan Brian Sergent[5] The laid back, uncouth Prime Minister of New Zealand. He is disengaged with the affairs of his country and prefers to occupy his time with pointless capers in the United States. He is fond of drinking and appears to be intellectually challenged. After watching the film Cars on his flight to the United States, he suggests that his country ought to have talking cars, like in the film. 207, 208

Other guest stars

Name Played by Description Episode
David Armstrong John Hodgman Manager of a greeting card company with which the Conchords sign a recording contract. 106
Sinjay Aziz Ansari A fruit vendor who discriminates against Bret and Jemaine because he mistakes them for Australians. 107
Ben Will Forte A semi-professional actor the band hires to speak with Murray about a record deal rejection. 111
Todd Todd Barry A bongo player who joins Bret and Jemaine as "The Third Conchord". Later he forms The Crazy Dogggz with Demetri. 112
Demetri Demetri Martin A keytar player who forms a new band with Bret. Later he forms The Crazy Dogggz with Todd. 112
Martin Clark Greg Proops President/CEO of an agency which hires Bret and Jemaine to write a jingle for a new, "women-only" toothpaste. 201
Jim Jim Gaffigan Murray's best friend. 204
Keitha Sarah Wynter An Australian with whom Jemaine falls in love and plans to elope, but tricks him and robs their apartment while he's waiting for her. 205
Brahbrah Kristen Wiig A woman with whom Jemaine and Bret both fall in love, she has a lazy eye and a missing epileptic dog called Charlie. 206
Karen Mary Lynn Rajskub An Art Garfunkel fanatic, she has a brief affair with Jemaine. 207
Elton John impersonator Patton Oswalt An Elton John impersonator who Bret and Jemaine meet while impersonating Simon & Garfunkel. 207
Paula Lucy Lawless A New Zealand tourism official and old friend of Bryan, the Prime Minister. 208

Cameo appearances

Fleeting cameo appearances by famous people, especially singers and musicians, have been a feature of the show.

Name Played by Description Episode
Pawn Shop Patron Judah Friedlander A man that tries to pawn a cake to Dave. 101
Fruit Stand Patron Kevin Allison A man who is serviced before Jemaine and Bret, although he was behind them in line, at a fruit stand run by an anti-Australian man who mistakes the duo for Aussies. 107
Club Owner Kate Pierson A club owner that turns the band away from a scheduled gig due to their reputation for causing damage. 109
Club MC Daryl Hall The MC of the Tuesday World Music Jam at which the Conchords play. He introduces them as "Flute of the Commodores" and ushers them quickly off stage several bars into "Rock the Party". 110
Himself John Turturro In a scene that runs during the closing credits, Turturro plays himself playing a cop in a fictional Martin Scorsese movie, entitled “The Drycleaner”. 111
Australian Ambassador Alan Dale An ambassador from Australia who makes fun of Murray and Jemaine. 203
Bouncer Randy Jones A nightclub bouncer who leads an all-male conga line. 205
Himself Art Garfunkel Saves Jemaine from a woman (Mary Lynn Rajskub) who makes him dress up like Art Garfunkel and have sex with her (aka "Garfunkeling" by Jemaine). 207


In the 2007 Satellite Awards the show was nominated for "Best Television Series, Comedy or Musical".

The pair were awarded with the status of "2007 Wellingtonians of the Year" in their home town after their international success blossomed that year.

The show received four Emmy Award nominations in 2008. "Sally Returns" was nominated for "Outstanding Directing For A Comedy Series", "Yoko" was nominated for "Outstanding Writing For A Comedy Series" and two songs, "Most Beautiful Girl In The Room" and "Inner City Pressure", were nominated for "Outstanding Original Music And Lyrics".

Also in 2008, the Writers Guild of America nominated the show for three awards: "Comedy Series", "Episodic Comedy" (for "Sally Returns") and for "New Series". The Television Critics Association nominated them for "Outstanding Achievement in Comedy" and "Outstanding New Program of the Year".

In 2009, the show was nominated for six Emmy Awards. It was nominated in the categories of Outstanding Comedy Series, Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series (for the episode 'The Tough Brets'), Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series (Jemaine Clement), Outstanding Original Music and Lyrics (for the song 'Carol Brown'), Outstanding Sound Mixing for a Comedy or Drama Series (Half Hour) and Animation, and Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series (for the episode 'Prime Minister').

Critical reaction

The show has received a generally positive reaction from critics. Season 1 has a 68/100 rating based on 15 reviews on metacritic.com,[6] while season 2 has an 80/100 rating, based on 10 reviews.[7] The best reviews were from the Detroit Free Press, whose critic described it as "TV's most original and irresistible new comic concoction"[8] and the San Francisco Chronicle, whose reviewer stated that it "may well be the funniest thing you've seen in ages."[9] At the opposite end, the Miami Herald reviewer wrote that it "feels less like a sitcom than a Saturday Night Live sketch stretched out to about six times its shelf-life."[10] On IMDb Flight of the Conchords receives a rating of 9.0/10.


See List of Flight of the Conchords episodes

Second season

On August 17, 2007, HBO announced a second season for Flight of the Conchords, originally set to premiere in 2008,[11] but which was postponed to January 2009. Prior to the announcement, Jemaine Clement stated in an interview with The New Zealand Herald, "[HBO] is interested in doing another series but we have to think about it. It's not a definite offer but they have talked about us starting writing but we've got other things we want to do as well".[12] McKenzie stated that the second season took longer to produce because the band had used most of their material in the first season. In an interview with The Star Ledger, he said "We'd need some time to develop new material. It's like the second album syndrome. It might take a lot longer".[13] Shortly after the renewal announcement, Clement stated in an interview that the second season would likely consist of fewer than twelve episodes "so they could concentrate on 'quality not quantity'".

McKenzie and Clement returned to their home town of Wellington to write for the second season,[14] although the writing process was delayed by the 2007–2008 Writers Strike. Filming for the 10 episode second series began in September 2008. That same month, McKenzie and Clement were quoted in a Q interview that the second season would most likely be the last.[15]

The second season of the show premiered on January 18, 2009 on HBO. Unlike the first season, the second season was filmed and broadcast in High Definition. The first episode of the season has been made available for streaming at http://www.hbo.com/conchords.

In Australia, the second season of the show first aired on June 8, 2009 on SBS. SBS also made the episodes available for streaming (from within Australia only)[16]. The DVD of the second season was released in Australia on July 29, 2009 [17].

Future of the show

On December 11, 2009, McKenzie and Clement announced that the show will not return for a third season. Clement had previously stated that writing the show took up a great deal of time.[1]

Filming locations

Filming for the series took place at a variety of locations and landmarks around New York City. Flight of the Conchords has, however, been consistent with its geography with respect to their neighbourhood. Some of the primary locations are listed below. Information on locations specific to particular episodes may be found on the page for that episode. Transition shots and out-of-studio location shoots have been in Brooklyn, Queens, and Manhattan. Most street scenes were filmed in Lower Manhattan or the Williamsburg area of Brooklyn.

Name Location
Bret and Jemaine's apartment 28 Henry Street, Chinatown
New Zealand consulate 232 East Broadway
Dave's pawn shop Around the corner from the 'Consulate'. 10 Montgomery Street
Steiner Studios[18] 15 Washington Avenue, Brooklyn. Indoor stages for season one filming.
Broadway Stages Indoor stages for season two filming.

Recurring themes and running jokes

  • New Zealand: Many of the jokes in the series poke fun at New Zealand and suggest that its culture is backward, unsophisticated and technologically deficient in comparison with the rest of the world. Other characters are commonly confused about Bret and Jemaine's nationality, and at times fail to comprehend them due to their accents. Often the characters employ self-deprecatory humour towards their nation, seemingly without their own awareness. A number of references have been made to The Lord of the Rings being filmed in New Zealand.
  • Competition with Australia: Australia is depicted as being superior to New Zealand and many passing jokes send up New Zealand's incompetence. Murray's office is decorated with tourism posters whose slogans seem to reveal a lack of confidence about the country (having logos such as "New Zealand - It's next to Australia" or "New Zealand - It's Down Underer").
  • Murray's incompetence and quirks: Many of the show's jokes are based on Murray's ignorance or misconceptions about the world generally, or the music business specifically. He is depicted as being naive and incompetent regarding matters of finance and business. His ambitions as a band manager result in his being inattentive to his duties at the consulate. Murray's somewhat secretive and on-off relationship with his unseen wife Shelley is a feature of several episodes, as well as his attempts to deceive her regarding the time and money he spends on the band's activities.
  • Obsessed fan: Mel is depicted as the only fan of the band and a stalker with a romantic obsession for the two band members. She is present at every band performance, no matter how insignificant, (save one in episode 20 "New Zealand Town") and is commonly found loitering outside the band's apartment when they leave the building. In interviews Clement and McKenzie have said that many of Mel's most memorable lines are taken from real incidents.[19]
  • Bret quitting: Several episodes feature incidents in which Bret quits or is dismissed from the band, only to rejoin later.
  • Lack of success and financial difficulties: The band continually fails in its attempts to remedy its poor financial situation.
  • Lack of success with women: Bret and Jemaine are depicted as being awkward and inexperienced with women. Bret is naive and innocent, whereas Jemaine is eager, bordering on sleazy. Jemaine in particular is easily taken advantage of. Of the two, Bret is shown as being more successful in relationships.
  • Bret's clothing: Bret's wardrobe consists of a variety of t-shirts and sweatshirts with unusual designs, most of which feature animals. A number of the shirts and sweaters make regular appearances including Bret McKenzie's "famous" red and black striped top that he has worn many times in "real life" performances. Much of his wardrobe appears to be home-made or modified. His striped socks also make regular appearances and it seems he only has a green and a blue pair.
  • Recurring props: There are also number of props that are mentioned or seen in several episodes. Among these are Jemaine's camera-phone, a small novelty guitar and a red piano in several songs, Bret's "helmet hair" project, and their bicycles.
  • "Rock the Party": Whenever the band is seen playing at a gig, they are usually performing the song "Rock the Party". Contrary to the other musical interludes in the show, the song's lyrics are very simplistic and consist almost entirely of the repeated exchange "Who likes to rock the party? / We like to rock the party."

TV & Internet Ratings

The second season premiere episode gathered 250,000 streams in its first 10 days on FunnyOrDie.com. In 2007, the series received 100,000 views for the first season premiere scored on MySpace.[20]

International broadcasters

Flight of the Conchords is aired on the following stations around the world:

Country TV Network(s) Series Premiere
 Australia Network Ten & Channel [V] & SBS - (series two) May 11, 2008
 Belgium Acht
 Brazil HBO
 Canada MC/TMN/ The Comedy Network (series one) & HBO Canada (series two) June 17, 2007
 Chile HBO
 China China Central Television-HBO May 10, 2009
 Denmark TV2 Zulu 2008
 Finland Canal+, YLE 2007
 France TPS Star March 22, 2008
 Hungary HBO March 1, 2008
 Iceland Stöð 2 2008
 Israel HOT3 2009
 Malaysia HBO
 Mexico HBO September 3, 2008
 New Zealand Prime, The BOX September 17, 2007[21]
 Norway Canal+, NRK3 2007
 Philippines HBO September 3, 2008
 Poland HBO August, 2008
 Portugal FX 2007
 Saudi Arabia America Plus (Middle East and North Africa) 2009
 Spain TNT November 19, 2008
 Sweden SVT June 20, 2008
 Thailand HBO
 Turkey FX April 2008
 United Kingdom BBC Four September 25, 2007[22]
 United States HBO June 17, 2007


  1. ^ a b "Bret and Jemaine farewell 'Flight of the Conchords' TV show". New Zealand Herald. 2009-12-11. http://www.nzherald.co.nz/entertainment/news/article.cfm?c_id=1501119&objectid=10614879. Retrieved 11 December 2009.  
  2. ^ Behind the scenes preview video from HBO (YouTube)
  3. ^ a b Vernon, Polly (2008-02-10). "The accidental sex gods". The Observer. http://observer.guardian.co.uk/woman/story/0,,2253281,00.html. Retrieved 2008-02-11.  
  4. ^ Arj Barker. (2009). Flight Of The Conchords: Dave's Pawn Shop Commercial #1 (HBO). http://www.hbo.com/conchords/video/?maven_playerId=conchords&maven_referralPlaylistId=7dafbf00208f96246509fd761d92215529683b62&maven_referralObject=3423100: HBO.  
  5. ^ Sergent, Brian (2008-02-10). "Brian Sergent's Television Page". http://www.briansergent.com/Brian.htm. Retrieved 2009-03-13.  
  6. ^ "Flight Of The Conchords (HBO) - Reviews from Metacritic". Metacritic. http://www.metacritic.com/tv/shows/flightoftheconchords. Retrieved 2009-06-28.  
  7. ^ "Flight of the Conchords (HBO) - Reviews from Metacritic". Metacritic. http://www.metacritic.com/tv/shows/flightoftheconchordsseason2. Retrieved 2009-06-28.  
  8. ^ Duffy, Mike (2007-06-15). "A GIGGLY FLIGHT OF FANCY: 'Conchords' mixes mirth and music". Detroit Free Press. http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070615/ENT03/706150332/1038. Retrieved 2007-07-14.  
  9. ^ Goodman, Tim (2007-06-15). "Musical misfits hoping for their big break". San Francisco Chronicle. http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/06/15/DDGIPQF45J1.DTL&type=tvradio.  
  10. ^ Garvin, Glenn (2007-06-17). "Weird how Kiwis in the City doesn't work". Miami Herald. http://www.miamiherald.com/272/story/141184.html. Retrieved 2007-07-14.  
  11. ^ "HBO Orders 2008 Editions Of CONCHORDS & ENTOURAGE!!". Ain't It Cool News. 2007-08-17. http://www.aintitcool.com/node/33704. Retrieved 2007-08-17.  
  12. ^ Baillie, Russell (2007-08-16). "Doubles Champ". The New Zealand Herald. http://www.nzherald.co.nz/category/story.cfm?c_id=200&objectid=10457951. Retrieved 2007-08-17.  
  13. ^ Sepinwall, Alan (2007-08-16). "Funny 'Conchords' is ready for takeoff". The Star Ledger. http://www.nj.com/living/ledger/index.ssf?/base/living-1/118724077415270.xml&coll=1. Retrieved 2007-08-17.  
  14. ^ Cardy, Tom (2007-08-20). "Conchords get second TV series". The Dominion Post. http://www.stuff.co.nz/4171060a1869.html. Retrieved 2007-08-19.  
  15. ^ Andrew, Kelly (2008-09-01). "Conchords set to end acclaimed TV show". The Dominion Post. http://www.stuff.co.nz/dominionpost/4675767a23882.html. Retrieved 2008-09-02.  
  16. ^ http://www.sbs.com.au/shows/flightoftheconchords/episodes/page/i/1/h/Episodes/
  17. ^ http://dstore.com.au/dvd/Flight-of-the-Conchords---Season-2/10665609.html
  18. ^ Filming locations for "Flight of the Conchords" (2007) IMDB.com
  19. ^ Adams, Sam (2009-01-13). "Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement of Flight Of The Conchords". The A.V. Club. http://www.avclub.com/articles/bret-mckenzie-and-jemaine-clement-of-flight-of-the,22235/. Retrieved 2009-01-15.  
  20. ^ [1]
  21. ^ New Series - Flight of the Conchords (Prime)
  22. ^ Official BBC site

External links


Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

For quotes from live performances, specials and interviews, see Flight of the Conchords

Flight of the Conchords (17 June 2007—22 March 2009) follows the lives of two New Zealanders, living in New York, who are trying to break into the American music industry with their comedy singles.


Series 1

Sally (Pilot) [1.01]

Murray: [To Jemaine] I've told you. When you are in a band, you don't get with your bandmate's girlfriend. Past or present.
Jemaine: Yes, well, thanks for that.
Murray: You get a love triangle, you know, a Fleetwood Mac situation. Although there was four of them, so more of a love square. But you know, no-one gets on.
Jemaine: Ok, I see.
Murray: Mind you, they did make some of their best music back then.
Bret: Rumours.
Murray: No. No, it's all true.

Jemaine: Hey, Bret, I think I know where I went wrong.
Bret: Hmm?
Jemaine: I think I know where I went wrong last night.
Bret: Yeah?
Jemaine: Yeah, Sally wanted to leave when you turned the light on. I think she found it weird - the whole thing with you there with the - with the light ... on.
Bret: Yeah, I think it might also be because she and I used to go out.
Jemaine: Yeah. It's 'cause you and her used to go out, but also because of the thing with the light. She's thinking, "Oh this is a nice situation." But then, "Ugh, who-- who turned on the light?"
Bret: Yeah. Yeah, maybe. But I think it's mainly because her and I used to go out... for like six months.
Jemaine: Yeah, well -- yeah, it's mainly because you used to go out, but also mainly because of the whole situation with the light.
Bret: Yeah, but the last thing you want to see when you're hooking up is your ex in the same room.
Jemaine: Yeah, and you also don't want to be startled by a light, do you?

Jemaine: [Trying to stop Sally from dumping him] I'm usually more charismatic than this.

Bret Gives Up The Dream [1.02]

Eddie: The job is you have to hold up this sign and you have to make sure it points in the right direction. Now, does that sound like something you can do?
Jemaine: Sounds like something a lamppost could do.
Eddie: You're overthinking. You cannot overthink on this job. What if the wind came along, and tore the sign off the lamppost? Huh? You ever think of that, Enrico Fermi?

Jemaine: I can't believe you got that job and I didn't.
Bret: You know, you've got to work on your people skills.
Jemaine: Yeah, shut up, Bret.

Mugged [1.03]

Mugger: What is this? Why does this phone have a camera glued to it?
Bret: It's a camera phone. Jemaine wanted one for his birthday.
Mugger: [To other mugger] Look at this. [To Bret] Oh yeah? Where'd you get it?
Bret: I made it. It's homemade.
Mugger: Yeah, it's a piece of shit.
Bret: Well, how come Jemaine likes it so much?
Jemaine: You can have it.

Mel: Oh my God. Jemaine, are you okay?
Jemaine: Yeah.
Mel: You're out? Did the cops try to strip search you?
Jemaine: No.
Mel: Did they find anything?
Jemaine: No, they didn't strip search me.
Mel: Oh, I--I thought you said they did.
Jemaine: No.
Mel: Oh, well, did any of your cellmates, you know, rape you in the a--
Jemaine: No. No no no.
Mel: Oh good, good. Cause if--if I was a convict, you know, and I was in a cell with a pretty boy like you, I would definitely wait till lights out, put my hand over your mouth--
Jemaine: I've gotta--I've gotta go.

Yoko [1.04]

[in the middle of the Second Annual Flight of the Conchords Fan Club meeting]
Murray: Alright, Item 3. Now if one of the band members was to have a girlfriend, would you find that... A: Very Positive; B: Positive...
Mel: Why do... why do you ask?
Murray: No reason.
Mel: Has Bret got a girlfriend?
Murray: Yes. He's seeing a girl from work. Coco.
Mel: [snaps the tip of her pencil, twitches nervously, then recovers] Oh... heh. Wow. Well that's great that Bret has a girlfriend. That's really great.
Murray: You don't think that Bret's any less available now that he's...
Mel: Oh no... heh. Is she pretty?
Murray: You're still interested in the band then? Even though...
Mel: Yes, it's nice for Bret to have a girlfriend.
Murray: Good.
Mel: Yes.
Murray: Alright. You're sure?
Mel: Yes! [chuckles] Is she stupid?
Murray: You've still got Jemaine anyway. And he's always available, isn't he? He's not gonna... not gonna get a girlfriend any time soon, so...
Mel: Just ummm...
Murray: Try your chances with him, can't you?
Mel: Mmmhmm. Does... does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? A bit?
Murray: A little bit. 'Round the eyes.
Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes, huh?
Murray: Well she's... she's got eyes.

Jemaine: [after following Bret and Coco onto a bus] Bret.
Bret: [surprised] Hey man, what are you doing here?
Jemaine: Murray and I missed you and we want you to rejoin the band again.
Bret: Really?
Jemaine: Yeah, on one condition, that you... [makes hand to throat gesture and points at Coco]
Bret: I'm not gonna kill her man.
Jemaine: No just leave - just leave her, not...
Bret: Oh, no I'm not gonna leave her, I told you that. You know, I like the band but, no, I'm not leaving Coco.
Coco: I wouldn't mind, I mean if that's what you really want.
Bret: Shush baby.
Coco: I-I don't really see us as a long-term...
Bret: Shush.
Jemaine: So what's it gonna be Bret, the girl or the band?
Bret: Well, it’s gonna be Coco.
Jemaine: Oh, are you sure?
Bret: Yeah.
Jemaine: Oh, I thought you - I was sure you were gonna say the band.
Bret: [Shakes head] No I'm staying with Coco.
Jemaine: [sighs] I guess you can still be in the band.
Bret: Okay, yeah all right.
Jemaine: Okay.
Bret: Cool.
Jemaine: Okay, well I'll see you later. [gets up to leave]
Bret: I'll see you at band practice.
Jemaine: [sits down again] Actually I'm gonna wait until the bus stops and then I'll get off.

Sally Returns [1.05]

Jemaine: It's not a cleaning cupboard, it's an apartment. It's my studio apartment.
Murray: More like a 'compartment'.

Murray: Jemaine?
Jemaine: ...Present.
Murray: Bret?
Bret: Yep.
Murray: And Murray... yes, present, thank you... I'm always here anyway, I don't know why I bother with my line.

Bowie [1.06]

"Jemaine" "[as David Bowie]": Wear the eye patch Bret, wear the funky, funky eye patch.

Jemaine [as David Bowie]: So, you showed your penis to the man from the greeting card company.

Bret: Can I please have a look at the lyrics? [Looks at notepad] This is another one of your weird songs, man.
Jemaine: In what way?
Bret: What's that about 'Sometimes I put a wig on you when we're on tour'?
Jemaine: Put a wig on you? No. It didn't say anything like that.
Bret: That's definitely a bit gay.
Jemaine: What is?
Bret: Putting a wig on me while I'm asleep.
Jemaine: I think, sometimes you hear what you wanna hear. It wouldn't be gay to put a wig on a man and pretend they're a woman. How could that be gay if you're pretending they're a woman? Not that I did it.

Drive By [1.07]

Bret: So he wouldn't serve us basically just because we're from New Zealand.
Jemaine: Is that the norm?
Dave: Well, you guys are in America now, and there's a lot of prejudism here. Especially towards people like you.
Bret: What do you mean, people like us?
Dave: You know, the English and what not, red coats, the oppressors...
Jemaine: We're not English.
Dave: Be that as it may Jemaine, you're pretty much the most disliked race in this whole country.
Jemaine: What about black people?
Dave They don't like you either. Neither do the Chinese, the Asians, Polish, Russian, Cro-Asians, even the Indians.
Bret: Yeah, but Dave, you're Indian. D'you hate us?
Dave: Yeah, sometimes.
Jemaine: But you're our best friend.
Dave: I know.

Jemaine: It doesn't matter what country someone's from, or what they look like, or the color of their skin. It doesn't matter what they smell like, or that they spell words slightly differently...some would say, more correctly.
Sinjay: Yeah...
Jemaine: Let me finish. I'm a person. Bret's a person. You're a person. That person over there is a person. And each person deserves to be treated like a person.
Sinjay: That's a great speech. Too bad New Zealanders are a bunch of cocky a-holes descended from criminals and retarded monkeys.
Jemaine: No you're thinking of Australians.
Bret: Yea that's Australians.

Girlfriends [1.08]

Murray: [Referring to record producer Quincy Jones] What are some albums that he's done, Bret?
Bret: Michael Jackson's "Off The Wall".
Murray: I'll say he is...he's off the planet. Wants to freeze himself, doesn't he?

Jemaine: Are you and Lisa gonna get married now?
Bret: I wish, but I don't know. She's got to go to war.
Jemaine: What?
Bret: Yeah, Iraq.
Jemaine: Iraq?
Bret: Yeah.
Jemaine: Lisa?
Bret: Yes, she's in Delta Force. She's been deployed to Fallujah.
Jemaine: But she works in the croissant shop.
Bret: Yeah well, she's got two jobs. She's a pastry chef and a sniper.

What Goes On Tour [1.09]

Murray: Okay, band meeting. Murray, present. Bret, present. Jemaine, present. Alright, I haven't got time for your time-wasting. I have good news, I have booked our biggest tour ever.
Bret: The Grand Canyon one?
Jemaine: Well, it wouldn't have to be that big to be our biggest tour ever.

Murray: I'm so angry, I feel like swearing.
Bret: Oh, Murray, you wouldn't swear at us.
Murray: Go fuck yourself Bret!

New Fans [1.10]

Mel: What was your name again?
Rain: It's Rain.
Mel: Oh. That's nice. Kinda like... kinda like bad weather... I remember your name from the fan list, I check it regularly. Do you check it regularly?
Rain: No.
Mel: Oh... You don't have a computer.
Rain: No, I have a computer.
Mel: Oh, you can't read...

Jemaine: You don't even know anything about threesomes.
Bret: Have you ever had a threesome?
Jemaine: Nearly.
Bret: What do you mean, nearly?
Jemaine: I've had a twosome.
Bret: Wow. What was that like?
Jemaine: Great. I've done it several times, man.
Bret: Just one of you here... and then one.. Oh well then, I've had a twosome!

The Actor [1.11]

Murray: You're telling me that this is all a joke...
Jemaine: Well not a joke...
Murray: ...organised by a couple of jesters? Is this you is it?: "Oh let's do a jest - a great big lark in the courtyard of the king and see how he takes it". Is it?

Dave: I think you've gotta use honesty here. I mean, you know, it's always the best policy. Like the other day there was five, well, maybe there was like four really hot foreign chicks- either like Swedish or Korean- in my shop, and they were like 'Dave, we wanna have a five way with you.' I just told them, 'honestly, okay.' Then I gave it to 'em. Hard.

The Third Conchord [1.12]

Bret: Okay, I'm just going to say, "Dear Todd, thank you very much, but you can't be in the band anymore."
Jemaine: Umm. I don't think you should do it, man. You're too easily offended.
Bret: I can't believe you just said that.

Bret: Todd's not cool.
Murray: What do you mean? He's cooler than both of you put together. Look at him over there with all his friends. He's like the Pied Piper of cool. Pied Piper was cool wasn't he?
Bret: Pied Piper wasn't cool, he took all those kids into a cave.
Murray: No, I mean before that phase; when it was just the rats.

Series 2

A Good Opportunity [2.01]

Jemaine: Women love weaving, they love to weave.
Bret: No, weaving is a man's game.
Jemaine: Bret, you put a woman in front of weaving machine and just watch her go.
Bret: No, honestly, my Dad weaves, my grandfather was a weaver... I come from a family of weavers.
Jemaine: I've never seen a man weave.
Bret: I love weaving. I'm weaving at the moment, making a pair of trousers.

Murray: Bret, could you get a pencil out of my stationery cabinet, please?
Bret: Where's that?
Murray: Just the glove box.

New Cup [2.02]

Murray: Bret, you should have a guitar.
Bret: I sold it to pay the bills.
Murray: You can't go on like that! Won't it sound weird with just the 'big guitar' that Jemaine plays?
Jemaine: Bass. It's called a bass guitar.
Murray: Well, I call it the 'Dad guitar' 'cause it's more like (deep voice) "Da da da da - I'm your Dad. Hey Murray, get into the shed and get the mower and do the lawns - de de de." You need Bret's 'Mum guitar' to add the beautiful tones (high voice) "Come on, darling, Murray's okay. Why you get home so late, Gordon?" (deep voice) "I was just havin' a few beers."
Bret: It'll sound fine.
Murray: It won't sound fine, Bret, you've got no guitar! (Bret plays his air guitar) I can hardly hear it! You'd have to be deaf to hear that.

Jemaine: It's dark, Bret.
Bret: Yeah, I know.
Jemaine: What expression is on your face?
Bret: Umm. Guilty expression. What expression is on your face?
Jemaine: Sad because we don't have any electricity, but satisfied because I was right about the cup.
Bret: That's a weird expression.

Mel:Like a Samurai like a massage samurai.
Jemaine:I'm just patting you.
Mel:Oh I feel like I've hired a gigolo. Haha! I'm just kidding I would never hire I mean I would.(turns to jemaine)I would I would pay you so much money..Thats not who i am, thats not what I'm about. Heh, I'm joking.I'm not. i am. I'm not.

The Tough Brets [2.03]

Murray: Oh, I've got another note here. 'Dissing' - does that make any sense to you?
Jemaine: Bret dissed alot of people in that rap thing that he did.
Murray: Who were these people you were dissing? The only one I could make out was Snoopy! What's your problem with him?
Bret: No, Snoop Dogg.
Murray: Yeah, I know he's a dog, Bret. I'm not totally in the dark ages. I do go out every once in a while. But, Snoopy's lovable! Leave him alone.
Bret: No, he's a rapper. They're all rappers. I was dissing rappers.
Murray: Well, just keep your dissing private, okay?

Mel: (about her hideous painting of Jemaine) You should hang it on your wall so you can see how big and powerful you are, like Ra - the sun god Ra. You're like a pharaoh.
Jemaine: I'm not as muscly as that.
Doug: Yeah, that's what I said.
Mel: Be quiet, Doug!
Jemaine: Yeah, be quiet, Doug.

Unnatural Love [2.05]

Bret: I would never go out with an Australian!
Jemaine: But if you were to, I would be fine with it.
Bret: When I first met you you tried to have me deported from New Zealand because you thought I was an Australian.
Jemaine: That was a misunderstanding; you were wearing a vest top.
Bret: My mum gave me that; thought it made me look like Bruce Willis.
Jemaine: Well it didn’t, it made you look like an Australian!

Bret: Did she sound Australian? Australian accent?
Jemaine: Yes, yes.
Bret: What did it sound like?
Jemaine: Kind of like an evil version of our accent.

(Bret and Murray leave the pawn shop, still looking for Jemaine)

Dave: Okay, they're gone
Jemaine: Thank you, Dave.
Dave: Yeah, don't worry about it guys. I just think it's really cool that you love each other, even though you're from Austria and you're from some place no one's even fucking heard of.
Keitha: Australia.
Jemaine: New Zealand.
Dave: Exactly. Because it shouldn't matter where you're from when love's involved. It's like that movie - "Interracial Hole Stretchers 2" - she was white; they were black. But it didn't matter in the end, did it? Because they were in love.
Jemaine: I haven't...I haven't seen that one.
Dave: Well, it really affected me.

Love is a Weapon of Choice [2.06]

Bret: Send a cheque in a letter to make a Setter feel better.

Jemaine: Come on, make a donation to save a shaky Dalmatian.

Prime Minister [2.07]

NewZealandTown [2.08]


Wingmen [2.09]

Bret: I have a girlfriend, but she doesn't know I exist.
Dave: But you do exist don't you? [pokes Bret]
Bret: Yeah, I exist.
Dave: Well, why did you say you came from Never Never Land?
Bret and Jemaine: New Zealand.
Dave: But you guys said you flew here!
Jemaine: On a plane, Dave. A plane.

Evicted [2.10]


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