Gregory House: Wikis


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Gregory House, M.D.
House character
First appearance "Pilot"
Created by David Shore
Portrayed by Hugh Laurie
Occupation Department of Diagnostic Medicine Chief
Family John House (legal father; deceased)
Blythe House (mother) [1]
Religion Atheist

Dr. Gregory House, M.D., is a fictional character and protagonist antihero of the American medical drama House. Portrayed by Hugh Laurie, the character is a maverick medical genius, a diagnostician with specializations in infectious diseases and nephrology. He works as the Chief of Diagnostic Medicine at the fictional Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, and there heads a team of diagnosticians. House's character has been described as a "misanthrope", a "cynic", a narcissist and a "curmudgeon".

In the series, the character's unorthodox diagnostic approaches, radical therapeutic motives, and stalwart rationality have resulted in much conflict between him and his colleagues.[5] House is also often portrayed as lacking sympathy for his patients, a practice that allots him the time to solve pathological enigmas. The character is partly inspired by Sherlock Holmes.[6][7]

A portion of the show's plot centers on House's habitual use of Vicodin to manage pain stemming from an infarction in his quadriceps muscle some years earlier, an injury that forces him to walk with a cane. This addiction is also one of the many parallels to Sherlock Holmes, who was addicted to cocaine.[8]

Throughout the series run, the character has received positive reviews.[9][10] Tom Shales of The Washington Post called House "the most electrifying character to hit television in years."[11] In 2008, Gregory House was voted second sexiest TV doctor ever, behind Dr. Doug Ross (George Clooney) from ER.[12] For his portrayal of Gregory House, Hugh Laurie has won various awards, including two Golden Globe Awards for Best Actor in a Television Drama Series and a Screen Actors Guild Award for Best Actor from Drama Series.[13] Laurie also earned Primetime Emmy Award nominations in 2005, 2007, 2008 and 2009.[14][15][16][17]


Character history

Gregory House was born on June 11, 1959[2][3] to John and Blythe House (R. Lee Ermey and Diane Baker).[18] House is a "military brat"; his father served as a Marine Corps pilot and transferred often to other bases during House's childhood.[19] One place in which his father was stationed was Egypt, where House developed a fascination with archaeology and treasure-hunting, an interest which led him to keep his treasure-hunting tools well into his adulthood.[20] Another station was Japan, where, at age 14, House discovered his vocation after witnessing the respect given to a buraku doctor who solved a case no other doctor could.[21] House loves his mother but hates his father, who he claims has an "insane moral compass", and deliberately attempts to avoid both parents.[19] At one point, House tells a story of his parents leaving him with his grandmother, or "oma" (Dutch for grandmother), whose punishments constituted abuse.[22] However, he later confesses that it was his father who abused him.[22] Due to his father abusing him, House never believed that John House was his biological father; at the age of 12, he deduced that a friend of his family with the same birthmark was his real father.[18] In the season 5 episode "Birthmarks", House discovers that this was true, after he ordered a DNA test that compared and matched his DNA against John's.[18]

House studied medicine at Johns Hopkins University.

House initially attended Johns Hopkins University as an undergraduate, studying medicine at the Johns Hopkins Medical School. He was up for a scholarship at the Mayo Clinic,[23] however, during his medical education, he was caught cheating by a co-student named Philip Weber who ultimately got him expelled.[23] He then attended the University of Michigan in order to finish his medical study. In Michigan, while working at the bookstore, he met his future boss Lisa Cuddy (Lisa Edelstein)[24] with whom he shared (in his words) "a passionate yet forgetful" one-night stand.[25] During a medical convention in New Orleans that he attended shortly after graduating medical school, House first saw his eventual friend Dr. James Wilson (Robert Sean Leonard) among a "sea of boring people" clutching a package. House deduced that it contained divorce papers. While at a bar, Wilson accidentally broke an antique mirror and started a bar fight when a man, repeatedly played "Leave A Tender Moment Alone" by Billy Joel to the frustration of Wilson who indeed was going through his first divorce at the time.[18] Out of interest, House bailed him out and hired an attorney to clear his name, thus starting their professional and personal relationship.[18]

Approximately ten years before the series began, House entered into a relationship with Stacy Warner (Sela Ward), a constitutional lawyer, after she shot him during a "Lawyers vs. Doctors" paintball match.[21] Five years later, during a game of golf, he suffered an infarction in his right leg which went misdiagnosed for three days due to doctors' concerns that he was exhibiting drug-seeking behavior. (House eventually diagnosed the infarction himself.)[26] An aneurysm in his thigh had clotted leading to an infarction and causing his quadriceps muscle to become necrotic.[26] House had the dead muscle bypassed in order to restore circulation to the remainder of his leg, risking organ failure and cardiac arrest.[26] He was willing to endure excruciating post-operative pain to retain the use of his leg.[26] However, after he was put into a chemically induced coma to sleep through the worst of the pain, Warner, House's medical proxy, acted against his wishes and authorized a safer surgical middle-ground procedure between amputation and a bypass by removing just the dead muscle.[26] This resulted in the partial loss of use in his leg and left House with a lesser, but still serious, level of pain for the rest of his life.[26] House could not forgive Stacy for making the decision and this was eventually the reason Stacy left him.[26] House now suffers chronic pain in his thigh and uses a cane to aid his walking. He also frequently takes Vicodin to relieve his pain.[27] House does however break his addiction with psychiatric help - after a near overdose. When Warner makes her first appearance in the series she is married to a high school guidance counselor named Mark Warner.[28] Although she and House have a brief, intimate encounter during the second season, House eventually tells Warner to go back to her husband, devastating her.

At the beginning of season three, House temporarily regains his ability to walk and run after receiving ketamine treatment.[29] However, the chronic pain in his leg comes back and House takes painkillers and uses his cane once again.[30] The other doctors speculate that his cane and opiate re-usage are due to his psychological tendencies.[30] During season five, House once again regains his ability to walk without pain after taking methadone, but soon stops after nearly killing a patient due to an, uncharacteristic, medical error. At the start of season six, House stops taking pain medications and finds other ways to deal with his pain. One of these includes cooking, upon which "Thirteen" and Wilson discover that House is a great cook, attributing this to House thinking of ingredients in terms of chemistry.[31]


"Dr. House is a fascinating and daringly cantankerous enigma, the proverbial bitter pill who also happens to be a highly intuitive medical genius. He despises interacting with patients and prefers dealing with diseases -- with medical mysteries that leave other doctors scratching their heads in befuddlement."
Tom Shales describing the character.[11]

House's character frequently shows his cunning and biting wit, enjoys picking people apart, and often mocks their weaknesses.[32] House accurately deciphers people's motives and histories from aspects of their personality and appearance.[33] His friend and colleague Wilson says although some doctors have the "Messiah complex"—they need to "save the world", House has the "Rubik's complex"—he needs to "solve the puzzle."[34] House typically waits as long as possible before meeting his patients.[32] When he does, he shows an unorthodox bedside manner and uses unconventional treatments.[35] However, he impresses them with rapid and accurate diagnoses after seemingly not paying attention.[30] This skill is demonstrated in a scene where House diagnoses an entire waiting room full of patients in little over one minute on his way out of the hospital clinic.[36] Critics have described the character as "moody", "bitter", "antagonistic",[37] "misanthropic",[34] "cynical"[38] "grumpy", "maverick"[39] and a "curmudgeon".[40] The Global Language Monitor chose the word "curmudgeon" as the best way to describe the character.[41]

Laurie describes House as a character who refuses to "obey the usual pieties of modern life" and expects to find a rare diagnosis when he is treating his patient.[42][43] As a protagonist, many aspects of his personality are the antithesis of what might be expected from a doctor.[32] Executive producer Katie Jacobs views House as a static character who is accustomed to living in misery.[44] Jacobs has said that Dr. Wilson, his only friend in the show, and House both avoid mature relationships, which brings the two closer together.[45] Leonard has said that Dr. Wilson is one of the few who voluntarily maintains a relationship with House, because he is free to criticize him.[45]

Although House's crankiness is commonly misattributed to the chronic pain in his leg, both Stacy and Cuddy have said that he was the same before the infarction.[28][46] To handle the chronic pain in his leg, House takes Vicodin every day, and as a result has developed an addiction to the drug.[47] He refuses to admit that he has an addiction ("I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem").[4] However, after winning a bet from Cuddy by not taking the drug for a week, he concedes that he has an addiction, but says that it is not a problem because it does not interfere with his work or life.[48] While both Cuddy and Wilson have encouraged House to go to rehab several times, no attempts have successfully gotten House off the drug. In the 2009 season House goes through detox and his addiction goes into remission, so to say.[49] However, it does seem that House may have gotten over his addiction in the season 6 premiere.[50] House creator David Shore told the Seattle Times in 2006 that Vicodin is "becoming less and less useful a tool for dealing with his pain, and it's something [the writers] are going to continue to deal with, continue to explore".[51] House openly talks about, and makes references to, pornography.[52] In "Lines in the Sand", he returns the flirtations of a female underage patient.[53] He regularly engages the services of prostitutes,[23][54] of which his former female diagnostic team member Dr. Allison Cameron (Jennifer Morrison), who has a crush on him, is aware.[55]

A polyglot, House speaks English, Spanish, Portuguese, Hindi, Japanese and Mandarin. He is an atheist, openly and relentlessly mocking colleagues and patients who express any belief in religion.[34][56] He does not believe in an afterlife because he finds it is better to believe that life "isn't just a test".[26] However, in the season four episode "97 Seconds," he expresses sufficient interest in the possibility of an afterlife to nearly electrocute himself in an effort to find out; however, he is dissatisfied with the results.[57] This is also an example of House's tendency to self-experiment and submit to risky medical procedures in the name of truth. Over the course of the series, he disproves the effectiveness of a migraine cure by self-inducing a migraine and controlling the effects through drugs, undergoes a blood transfusion to assist with a diagnosis, and overdoses on physostigmine to improve his memory after sustaining head injuries, subsequently causing his heart to stop beating, then undergoes deep brain stimulation soon after.[23][58][59][60]

"[House] enjoys pursuing the truth, and he knows we all see the world through our own lenses. He's constantly trying to strip himself of those biases, to get a clean, objective view of things."
— Shore to Variety.[61]

House frequently says "Everybody lies", but jokingly remarked that he was lying when he said that in the first season finale.[42] House criticizes social etiquette for lack of rational purpose and usefulness.[53] Dr. Eric Foreman (Omar Epps) states in the first episode of the first season "House doesn't believe in pretense ... so he just says what he thinks".[62] In the season three episode "Lines in the Sand", he explains how he envies an autistic patient because society allows the patient to forgo the niceties that he must suffer through.[53] In the same episode, Dr. Wilson suggests that House might have Asperger syndrome, which is characterized by a number of traits found in House, such as difficulty accepting the purpose of social rules, lack of concern for his physical appearance, and resistance to change; though he later reveals to House that he does not truly believe this, and that claiming this was a part of a ploy to soften Cuddy's opinion of House.[53] House is a strong nonconformist and has little regard for how others perceive him.[43] Throughout the series, he displays sardonic contempt for authority figures.[63] House shows an almost constant disregard for his own appearance, possessing a permanent stubble and dressing informally in jeans, T-shirts, and sneakers.[64] He avoids wearing the standard white lab coat to avoid patients recognizing him as a doctor.[27][63]

House does not have much of a social life, and his only friend is Dr. James Wilson.[34][43] Wilson knew House before the infarction and looked after him when House's relationship with Stacy ended.[46] Dr. Wilson's moving into House's apartment after his failed marriage in "Sex Kills" symbolizes his taking emotional refuge in his friend.[65] Although they frequently analyze and criticize each other's motives, Wilson has risked his career to protect House, including having his job terminated in the first season as an effort of Edward Vogler to dismiss House, and having his practice damaged by Detective Michael Tritter in an investigation of House's narcotics consumption.[52][66] House has quietly admitted, at several instances, that he is grateful for Wilson's presence, including referring to Wilson as his best friend. When Wilson resigns and moves away from both New Jersey and House's friendship in the season 5 premiere, House is desperate to have his friend back, and hires a private investigator (Michael Weston) to spy on him.[67] The two ultimately reconcile at House's father's funeral.[18]

Despite his sardonic personality, Edelstein has said that House is a character who is reliant on people surrounding him.[42] Edelstein says this characteristic is portrayed on several occasions in the third season, during which House's medical career is in jeopardy due to investigations by Det. Michael Tritter (David Morse), who arrests him for possessing narcotics.[68] House's legal trouble ends when Edelstein's character, Lisa Cuddy, commits perjury during his hearing.[49] In Season 5, a relationship with Cuddy begins to blossom, as they are unable to deny feelings between each other.[69] They share a kiss in episode six "Joy" which sparked an ongoing romantic tension between them.[69] In the season finale "Both Sides Now" it is confirmed that House wishes to pursue a romantic relationship with Cuddy. In this same episode he believes he has slept with Cuddy and informs Dr. James Wilson the following morning. This however is revealed to be a side effect of his Vicodin usage. [70]



"The title diagnostician of the show would be as smart a physician as Dr. Kildare and as sharp a sleuth as Gil Grissom of CSI, it was important to us that he be damaged, both emotionally and physically."
— Shore on House's creation.[71]

While the show was originally set to be a medical procedural, the idea changed when the writers started to explore the possibilities of a curmudgeonly title character.[61] Shore traced the concept for the title character to his background as a patient at a teaching hospital.[72] Shore recalled that "I knew, as soon as I left the room, they would be mocking me relentlessly [for my cluelessness...] and I thought that it would be interesting to see a character who actually did that before they left the room."[73] Shore also based the character partly on himself: in a 2006 interview with Macleans he explained that, while he does not have "cynical and cold attitude lurking within" him, he almost agrees with House's point of view.[71] A central part of the show's premise was that the main character would be disabled in some way.[74] The initial idea was for House to use a wheelchair, inspired by the 1960s police drama Ironside, but Fox turned down this interpretation (for which the crew was later grateful).[61][74] The wheelchair became a scar on House's leg, which later turned into a bad leg necessitating the use of a cane.[74] House usually holds his cane on the same side as his injured leg; Shore explained: "Some people feel more comfortable with the cane in the dominant arm, and that is acceptable."[75] The cane tricks that are seen throughout the series are created by Laurie himself.[45]

Cathy Crandall, costume designer for the show, created a look for the character that made it seem like he did not care about his clothing.[76] She designed House with a wrinkled t-shirt, a blazer that is one size too short, faded and worn-in jeans and heather-gray rag socks.[76] It was Laurie's idea to have the character wear sneakers, because he thought "a man with a cane needs functional shoes"; the Fox studios' wardrobe department keeps 37 pairs of Nike Shox on hand.[76] House has worn t-shirts designed by famous designers such as Barking Irons and Lincoln Mayne,[76] but also by less known designers such as Andrew Buckler[77] and Taavo.[78] The shirts are usually kept tied in a ball overnight to get them to wrinkle.[76]


When casting for the part started, Shore was afraid that in "the wrong hands", House would "just be hateful".[71] The casting directors were looking for someone who could, as Shore described, "do these horrible things and be somehow likable without just, you know, petting a kitten".[79] When Laurie was asked to audition for the role of House, he was filming Flight of the Phoenix in Namibia.[80] Laurie had no big expectations for the show, thinking that it would only "run for a few weeks".[64][81] He planned to audition for the roles of both James Wilson and Gregory House.[79] However, when he read that Wilson was a character with a "handsome open face", he decided to audition solely for the role of House.[79] Laurie chose not to change his clothing, but to remain in the costume he wore for the film, he also decided not to shave his beard.[64] He put together an audition tape of his own in a Namibian hotel bathroom, the only place with enough light,[82] while his Flight of the Phoenix co-stars Jacob Vargas and Scott Michael Campbell held the camera.[64] He improvised by using an umbrella for a cane.[83] Laurie initially believed that James Wilson would be the protagonist of the show after reading the brief description of the character and did not find out that House was the main character until he read the full script of the pilot episode.[84][85]

After he had watched casting tapes for the pilot episode, Bryan Singer grew frustrated and refused to consider any more British actors because of their flawed American accents.[43] Although Singer compared Laurie's audition tape to an "Osama bin Laden video",[86] he was impressed with Laurie's acting and, not knowing who he was, Singer was fooled by his American accent.[82] He commented on how well the "American actor" was able to grasp the character, not realising Laurie is English.[73] Although Laurie's appearance was very different from the way Shore pictured House, when he watched the audition tape, he was equally impressed as Singer.[71] More famous actors such as Denis Leary, Rob Morrow and Patrick Dempsey were also considered, but Singer, Shore, and executive producers Paul Attanasio and Katie Jacobs all thought Laurie was the best option and decided to cast him for the part.[87] Laurie was the final actor to join the cast of House.[88] After he was chosen for the part, Laurie, whose father Ran Laurie was a doctor himself, said he felt guilty for "being paid more to become a fake version of my own father."[82] Adopting an American accent for his role has been difficult for Laurie, who said words such as "coronary artery" are particularly tricky to pronounce.[54] During read-throughs of the script, as well as between takes, Laurie maintains the American accent.

Parallels to Sherlock Holmes

House and Wilson's relationship mirrors Holmes and Watson's (pictured) relationship.

Similarities between House and the famous fictional detective Sherlock Holmes appear throughout the series;[89] Shore explained that he was always a Sherlock Holmes fan, and found the character's traits of indifference to his clients unique.[73] The resemblance is evident in various elements of the series' plot, such as House's reliance on psychology to solve a case, his reluctance to accept cases he does not find interesting and House's home address (apartment 221B, while Holmes lives at 221B Baker Street).[42] Other similarities between the two characters are drug use (House battled a hydrocodone addiction for years and Holmes was a recreational user of cocaine), successful detoxification, playing an instrument (Holmes plays the violin and House plays the guitar, piano and harmonica) and a talent for accurately deducing people's motives and histories from aspects of their personality and appearance.[90]

Shore has also explained that the name "House" is a play on the name Holmes (i.e., homes).[91] Both Holmes and House each have one true friend, Dr. Watson is Holmes' and Dr. Wilson is House's.[7] Leonard has said that House and his character were originally intended to play the roles of Holmes and Watson in the series although he believes that House's team has assumed the Watson role.[92] Shore has also said that Dr. House draws inspiration from Dr. Marc Chamberlain, a professor of neurology at the University of Washington, Seattle, and Dr. Joseph Bell (who was a teacher of Arthur Conan Doyle's and thus a chief source of inspiration for the creation of Holmes), who could "walk into a waiting room and diagnose people without speaking to them".[7] In the season two finale "No Reason", House is shot by a man named Jack Moriarty, a name that coincides with Sherlock Holmes' adversary, Professor James Moriarty;[90][93] likewise, in the fifth season, Wilson uses Irene Adler as the name for an imaginary love interest of House,[94] the same name as the only female adversary Holmes ever encountered.[90] In episode 89, House is talking to Lucas and he says "There is only one truth," which was a famous Sherlock Holmes quote.


  1. ^ s.04e.04
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  93. ^ "Joy to the World". House. Fox. 2008-11-09. No. 11, season 5.

External links


Up to date as of January 14, 2010
(Redirected to House (TV series) article)

From Wikiquote

House (2004-), created by David Shore, is about an irreverent, controversial, but successful doctor who trusts no one, least of all his patients.

Season 1 Season 2 Season 3 Season 4 Season 5 Season 6
1 Pilot Acceptance Meaning Alone Dying Changes Everything Broken:Part 1
2 Paternity Autopsy Cane and Able The Right Stuff Not Cancer Broken:Part 2
3 Occam's Razor Humpty Dumpty Informed Consent 97 Seconds Adverse Events Epic Fail
4 Maternity TB or Not TB Lines in the Sand Guardian Angels Birthmarks The Tyrant
5 Damned If You Do Daddy's Boy Fools for Love Mirror Mirror Lucky Thirteen Instant Karma
6 The Socratic Method Spin Que Será Será Whatever It Takes Joy Brave Heart
7 Fidelity Hunting Son of Coma Guy Ugly The Itch Known Unknowns
8 Poison The Mistake Whac-A-Mole You Don't Want to Know Emancipation Teamwork
9 DNR Deception Finding Judas Games Last Resort Ignorance Is Bliss
10 Histories Failure to Communicate Merry Little Christmas It's a Wonderful Lie Let Them Eat Cake Wilson
11 Detox Need to Know Words and Deeds Frozen Joy To The World
12 Sports Medicine Distractions One Day, One Room Don't Ever Change Painless
13 Cursed Skin Deep Needle in a Haystack No More Mr. Nice Guy Big Baby
14 Control Sex Kills Insensitive Living the Dream The Greater Good
15 Mob Rules Clueless Half-Wit House's Head Unfaithful
16 Heavy Safe Top Secret Wilson's Heart The Softer Side
17 Role Model All In Fetal Position   The Social Contract
18 Babies & Bathwater Sleeping Dogs Lie Airborne Here Kitty
19 Kids House vs. God Act Your Age Locked In
20 Love Hurts Euphoria, Part 1 House Training Simple Explanation
21 Three Stories Euphoria, Part 2 Family Saviors
22 Honeymoon Forever Resignation A House Divided
23   Who's Your Daddy? The Jerk Under My Skin
24 No Reason Human Error Both Sides Now
External Links

Season 1

Pilot (1.01)

I'm angry! You're risking a patient's life.
Dr. Cuddy: Your reputation won't last if you don't do your job; the clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job.
Dr. House: Ah, yes, but as the philosopher Jagger once said, 'You can't always get what you want.'

Dr. House: I'm angry! You're risking a patient's life.
Dr. Cuddy: I assume those are two separate points.

Dr. House: I don’t think it’s a tumor.
Dr. Foreman: First year of medical school if you hear hoof beats you think "horses" not "zebras".
Dr. House: Are you in first year of medical school?

Dr. House: You see that? They all assume I'm a patient because of this cane.
Dr. Wilson: Then why don't you put on a white coat like the rest of us?
Dr. House: I don't want them to think I'm a doctor.

Dr. House: People don't want a sick doctor.
Dr. Wilson: That's fair, I don't want healthy patients either.

Dr. House: Truth begins in lies. Think about it.
Foreman (House leaves):That doesn't mean anything, does it?

Dr. House: Your wife is having an affair.
Orange-Colored Patient: What?!
Dr. House: You're orange, you moron! It's one thing for you not to notice, but if your wife hasn't picked up on the fact that her husband has changed colors, she's just not paying attention. Oh, by the way, do you consume just ridiculous amounts of carrots and mega-dose vitamins? The carrots turn you yellow, the niacin turns you red. Get a set of fingerpaints and do the math... and get a good lawyer.

Dr. Cuddy: You don't prescribe medicine based on guesses. At least we don't since Tuskeegee and Mengele.
Dr. House: You're comparing me to a Nazi? [admiringly] Nice ...

Dr. Foreman: Oh, Cameron, I need you for a couple of hours.
Dr. Cameron: What's up?
Dr. Foreman: When you break into someone's house, it's always better to have a white chick with you.

Dr. House: Everybody lies.
Dr. Cameron: Dr. House doesn't like dealing with patients.
Dr. Foreman: Isn't treating patients why we became doctors?
Dr. House: No, treating illnesses is why we became doctors. Treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable.

Rebecca Adler: I just want to die with a little dignity.
Dr. House: There's no such thing! Our bodies break down, sometimes when we're 90, sometimes before we're even born, but it always happens and there's never any dignity in it. I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass. It's always ugly - always! We can live with dignity - we can't die with it.

Dr. House: Patients always want proof. We're not making cars here, we don't give guarantees.

Dr. Cameron: Why did you hire me?
Dr. House: Does it matter?
Dr. Cameron: Kind of hard to work for a guy who doesn't respect you.
Dr. House: Why?
Dr. Cameron: Is that rhetorical?
Dr. House: No, it just seems that way because you can't think of an answer. Does it make a difference what I think? I'm a jerk. The only thing that matters is what you think. Can you do the job?
Dr. Cameron: You hired a black guy because he had a juvenile record.
Dr. House: No, it wasn't a racial thing, I didn't see a black guy. I just saw a doctor... with a juvenile record. I hired Chase 'cause his dad made a phone call. I hired you because you are extremely pretty.
Dr. Cameron: You hired me to get into my pants?!
Dr. House: I can't believe that that would shock you. It's also not what I said. No, I hired you because you look good; it's like having a nice piece of art in the lobby.
Dr. Cameron: I was in the top of my class.
Dr. House: But not the top.
Dr. Cameron: I did an internship at the Mayo Clinic.
Dr. House: Yes, you were a very good applicant.
Dr. Cameron: But not the best?
Dr. House: Would that upset you, really? To think that you were hired because of some genetic gift of beauty, not some genetic gift of intelligence?
Dr. Cameron: I worked very hard to get where I am.
Dr. House: But you didn't have to. People choose the paths that grant them the greatest rewards for the least amount of effort. That's the law of nature, and you defied it. That's why I hired you. You could have married rich, could have been a model, you could have just shown up and people would have given you stuff. Lots of stuff, but you didn't; you worked your stunning little ass off.

Dr. House: It's five o'clock. I'm going home.
Dr. Cuddy: To what?
Dr. House: [sarcastically] Nice.

Dr Cuddy: Oh, I looked up that philosopher you quoted, Jagger, and you're right. You can't always get what you want. But as it turns out, if you try sometimes, you get what you need.

Foreman: It's a lesion.
House: And the big green thing in the middle of the bigger blue thing on a map is an island. I was hoping for something a little bit more creative.

Chase: Mad cow?
House: Mad zebra.

Cuddy: I was expecting you in my office twenty minutes ago.
House: Really? Well, that's odd, because I had no intention of being in your office twenty minutes ago.

Cuddy: Patient is orange.
House: Like the color?

Orange Patient: What's that? What are you doing?
House: Painkillers.
Orange Patient: Oh, yeah. For you, for your leg.
House: No, 'cause they're yummy.

House: Your doctor was probably also concerned about the strength of the medicine, too. She probably weighed that danger against the danger of not breathing. Oxygen is so important during those prepubescent years, don't you think?

Cameron: If House is right, no harm. If he's wrong, I've given a dying woman a couple day's hope.
Chase: False hope.
Cameron: If there was any other type available, I would have given her that.

Young Student: You could smell our parrot.
Foreman: You said you didn't have any pets in this class.
Young Student: A parrot is a bird.

Paternity (1.02)

[House is reading a letter which was supposedly written by him, but was actually written by Cameron]
Dr. House: When did my signature get so girly?
Dr. Cameron: I can explain.
Dr. House: See that "G," see how it makes a big loop on top? It doesn't even look like my handwriting. Think I have something? What's the differential diagnosis for writing Gs like a junior high school girl?

Dr. House: [to Cameron] Perseverance does not equal worthiness. Next time you want to get my attention, wear something fun. Low-riding jeans are hot.

Dr. Chase: It doesn't necessarily have to be that bad. If we exclude the night terrors it could be something systemic: his liver, kidneys, something outside the brain.
Dr. House: Yes, feel free to exclude any symptom if it makes your job easier.

Dr. Cameron: What about sex?
Dr. House: Well, it might get complicated. We work together. I am older, certainly, but maybe you like that.
Dr. Cameron: I meant maybe he has neurosyphilis.
Dr. House: Heh, nice cover. [winks]

Dr. House: Thirty percent of all dads out there don't realize they're raising someone else's kid.
Dr. Foreman: From what I've read false paternity is more like ten percent.
Dr. House: That's what our moms would like us to believe.
Dr. Cameron: Who cares? If he got it from his parents they'd both be dead by now, can we get on with the differential diagnosis?
Dr. House: Fifty bucks says I'm right.
Dr. Foreman: I'll take your money.
Dr. House: Hit a nerve? Don't worry, Foreman, I'm sure the guy who tucked you in at night was your daddy.
Dr. Foreman: Make that a hundred dollars.

Dr. Cuddy: [leaving the hospital wearing a tennis outfit with a very short skirt] What are you doing back here? A patient?
Dr. House: No, a hooker. Went to my office instead of my home.

Dr. House: [talking to Wilson about a patient and quickly changing the subject as he sees Dr. Cuddy coming] —the cutest little tennis outfit! My God, I thought I was going to have a heart attack! Oh my! I didn't see you there - That is so embarrassing...
Dr. Cuddy: How's your hooker doing?
Dr. House: Oh, sweet of you to ask, funny story, she was going to be a hospital administrator, but hated having to screw people like that.

Patient's Mother: How can you just sit there?
Dr. House: If I eat standing up, I spill.

Dr. Foreman: No neurologist in his right mind would recommend that.
Dr. House: Show of hands: who thinks I'm not in my right mind? [nobody moves] And who thinks I forget this very basic neurological fact? [nobody moves again] Who thinks there's a third option?
[Dr. Chase raises his hand]
Dr. House: Very good. What's the third choice?
Dr. Chase: No idea. You just asked if I thought there was one.

[Dr. Cameron is bending over a patient to steady them while Dr. Chase gives him a lumbar puncture]
Dr. Chase: Hey, Dan, isn't Dr. Cameron's necklace a beauty? Something South American, I think.
Dr. Cameron: Yeah, Guatemalan.
Dan: It's a cool necklace.
Dr. Cameron: [looks down, realizes Dan can see down her shirt, then speaks to Chase] Thank you SO much.
Dr. Chase: The kid's in pain.

Occam's Razor (1.03)

Dr. House: [to the crowd in the walk-in clinic's waiting area] Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Dr. Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.
Dr. House: This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board [emphasized to sound like "bored"] ...certified diagnostician with a double specialty in infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who is forced to be here against his will.
[House turns to face Dr. Cuddy.]
Dr. House: That is true, isn't it?
[He turns back to the crowd.]
Dr. House: But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine. You can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? [nobody moves] And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys?
[Everybody raises their hands]
Dr. House: Okay. Well, I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind.

Dr. Cameron: Men should grow up.
Dr. House: Yeah, and dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not going to happen.

Dr. House: What would you prefer - a doctor who holds your hand while you die or one who ignores you while you get better? I suppose it would particularly suck to have a doctor who ignores you while you die.

Dr. Cameron: I'm uncomfortable about sex.
Dr. Chase: Well, we don't have to talk about this...
Dr. Cameron: Sex could kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent, it's ugly and it's messy, and if God hadn't made it unbelievably fun, the human race would have died out eons ago. [pause to breathe deep and stare at each other] Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. Do you know that women can have an hour long orgasm?
[Foreman enters]
Dr. Cameron: [grabs an apple and heads back to her seat] Hey, Foreman.

Dr. Foreman: Occam's razor. The simplest explanation is always the best.
Dr. House: And you think one is simpler than two?
Dr. Cameron: I'm pretty sure it is, yeah.
Dr. House: Baby shows up. Chase tells you that two people exchange fluids to create this being. I tell you that one stork dropped the little tyke off in a diaper. Are you going to go with the two or the one?
Dr. Foreman: I think your argument is specious.
Dr. House: I think your tie is ugly.

Dr. House: Why is one simpler than two? It's lower, it's lonelier, but is it simpler? Each one of these conditions is about a thousand to one shot; that means that any two of them happening at the same time is a million to one shot, Chase says the cardiac infection is a ten million to one shot which makes my idea ten times better than yours. [pause. Foreman looks defeated] Get a calculator run the numbers.
Chase: We'll run the tests.

Dr. House: No, there is not a thin line between love and hate. There is, in fact, a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every twenty feet between love and hate.

Dr. Wilson: Beauty often seduces us on the road to truth.
Dr. House: And triteness kicks us in the nads.
Dr. Wilson: So true...

Dr. House: This doesn't bother you?
Dr. Wilson: That you were wrong? I try to work through the pain...

Tattooed Walk-in Patient: [turning to leave] I should go.
Dr. House: You think it's going to come out on its own? [the patient stops] Are we talking bigger than a bread basket? Because, actually, it will come out on its own, which for small stuff is no problem - it's wrapped up in a nice soft package and plop. Big stuff - you're going to rip something, which, speaking medically, is when the fun stops.
Tattooed Walk-in Patient: How did you--
Dr. House: You've been here half an hour and you haven't sat down, that tells me its location. You haven't told me what it is, that tells me it's humiliating. You have a little birdy carved under your arm, and that tells me you have a high tolerance for humiliation, so I'm figuring it's not hemorrhoids. [pause for awkward silence] I've been a doctor twenty years. You're not going to surprise me.
Tattooed Walk-in Patient: It's an MP3 player.
Dr. House: [trying to keep himself from laughing] Hmm. Is it... is it because of the size, or the shape... or is it the pounding bass line?
Tattooed Walk-in Patient: What are we going to do?
Dr. House: I'm going to wait.
Tattooed Walk-in Patient: For what?!
[Scene change: House leaving the walk-in clinic]
Dr. House: [to the reception nurses] Okay. It's 3 o'clock, I'm off. Could you tell Dr. Cuddy there's a patient in exam room 2 that needs her attention? And the RIAA wants her to check for illegal downloads.

Dr. Cameron: Brandon's not ready for surgery.
Dr. House: OK, let's leave it a couple of weeks. He should be feeling better by then. Oh wait, which way does time go?

Dr. Chase: We should look into the girlfriend's theory... She thinks she rode him to death.
Dr. Foreman: [Laughs] What'd you tell her?
Dr. Chase: [Amused] Well, I told her twenty-two year old men don't die of sex!
Dr. Cameron: What'd you ask her?
Dr. Chase: What do you mean?
Dr. Cameron: [Haughtily] I mean I hope you got some specifics on exactly what's going on. This girl thinks it could kill you... it's worth knowing about.
[Pause. Chase stares at Cameron.]
Dr. Chase: ...Have you ever taken a life?

Patient's father: (to his wife about House) You're the one HE hasn't met. (To House) How can you treat someone without meeting them?
Dr. House: It's easy, when you don't give a crap about him. *pauses* That's a good thing.

Maternity (1.04)

Dr. House: This is our fault. Doctors over-prescribing antibiotics. Got a cold? Take some penicillin. Sniffles? No problem. Have some azithromycin. Is that not working anymore? Well, got your Levaquin. Antibacterial soaps in every bathroom. We'll be adding vancomycin to the water supply soon. We bred these superbugs. They're our babies. And they're all grown up and they've got body piercings and a lot of anger.

Jill: My joints have been feeling all loose, and lately I've been feeling sick a lot. Maybe I'm over training; I'm doin' the marathon, like, ten miles a day, [House looks tired] but I can't seem to lose any weight.
Dr. House: Lift up your arms.
[she does so]
Dr. House: You have a parasite.
Jill: Like a tapeworm or something?
Dr. House: Lie back and lift up your sweater.
[she lies back, and still has her hands up]
Dr. House: You can put your arms down.
Jill: Can you do anything about it?
Dr. House: Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states.
[he starts to ultrasound her abdomen]
Jill: Illegal?
Dr. House: Don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites...
Jill: Playdates?
Dr. House: [shows her the ultrasound] It has your eyes.

Dr. House: Get up. We're going hunting.
Dr. Foreman: For what?
Dr. House: Wabbits.

Dr. Cameron: A needle in the haystack.
Dr. House: It's worse than that. We don't even know what's the needle we're looking for.

Dr. House: See, this is why I don't waste money on shrinks, cause you give me all these really great insights for free.
Dr. Cuddy: [smiling] Shrink. If you would consider going to a shrink, I would pay for it myself. The hospital would hold a bake sale, for God's sake.

Dr. House: Your husband is definitely the source of your 'mono'.
Jill: Oh, wow. Oh, thank God. Wow, I'm going to be a mom. Whoa, heh heh. Thank you so much; I gotta get you a gift or something.
Dr. House: Sometimes the best gift is the gift of never seeing you again.
Jill: Okay, all right! But, Dr. House, you've been so awesome. I mean, I really, totally trust you. Do you think you —
Dr. House: No.
Jill: — could you do the prenatal?
Dr. House: No.
Jill: Or deliver the baby?
Dr. House: That would be no.
Jill: Okay!

Dr. Wilson: I'm still amazed you're actually in the same room with a patient
Dr. House: People don't bug me until they get teeth.

Dr. House: Don't worry. Many women learn to live with this parasite. My own mother, for example. Forty-five years and she only complains about it now from time to time.

Damned If You Do (1.05)

Dr. House: I've been a doctor for years. Why do I have to keep assuring people I know what I'm doing?

Dr. House: What the hell are those?
Dr. Cameron: Candy canes.
Dr. House: Candy canes? Are you mocking me?
Dr. Cameron: No, i-it's Christmas and I, I thought...
Dr. House: Relax, it's a joke.

Dr. House: In ten seconds, I'm going to announce that I gave her [the patient] the wrong dosage.
Dr. Cuddy: [Taken aback] You're going to admit negligence?
Dr. House: Unless you leave the room, you'll have to testify as a witness. [Cuddy crosses her arms] Five, four, three, two... So there I was in the clinic, drunk, I opened the drawer, closed my eyes, grabbed the first syringe I could find and.... [Cuddy leaves quickly]

Nun: Sister Augustine believes in things that aren't real.
Dr. House: I thought that was a job requirement for you people.

Dr. House: How is the nun?
Dr. Chase: Which one?
Dr. House: The cute one, I think she likes me. The sick one, obviously.

Dr. House: When she went into cardiac arrest in the clinic, I had to open her blouse to do CPR, and I learned two things. Nuns can have nice breasts, and she has a tattoo on her shoulder. Of a skunk. Now maybe it's the sacred skunk of St. Joseph, but as far as I know, Catholic foster houses and monasteries do not keep tattoo parlours in their refrectories.

Dr. House: What I have difficulty with is the whole concept of belief. Faith isn't based on logic and experience.

Dr. House: You can have all the faith you want in spirits, and the afterlife, and heaven and hell, but when it comes to this world, don't be an idiot. Cause you can tell me you put your faith in God to get you through the day, but when it comes time to cross the street, I know you look both ways.

Dr. House: You know how it is with nuns: you take out their IUDs and they bounce right back.

Dr. Foreman: What about you, Chase? You think he's [House] infallible too?
Dr. Chase: All I know is that if House didn't make a mistake and Sister Augustine has Churg Strauss, he'll be self-satisfied and our live will be good for a few weeks. If House did make a mistake, he'll be upset and our lives will be miserable for months.
Dr. Foreman: [Laughs] There is that.

Dr. House: [To Wilson] She has God inside her, it would have been easier to deal with a tumor.
Dr. Wilson: Maybe she's allergic to God.

The Socratic Method (1.06)

Lucas Palmero: This is a good hospital?
Dr. House: Depends what you mean by "good". [looks around] I like these chairs.

Dr. Foreman: [Referring to Dr. House] He's really talking to a patient.
Dr. Chase: I don't know who I am any more.

Dr. Chase: [Referring to Dr. House] He likes crazy people. He likes the way they think.
Dr. Foreman: They think...badly. That's the definition of...crazy.
Dr. Chase: They're not boring. He likes that.

Dr. House: [In exam room with mother and daughter] This is why you're here?
Mother: Sugar is the leading cause of obesity in America.
Dr. House: You want a doctor to scare her about the dangers of sugar.
Mother: She needs to get her weight under control.
Dr. House: Well, you know, I feel sorry for those other kids, Wendy, who don't have a mom like yours- a mom who knows that sugar causes heart disease, appendicitis, and athlete's foot.
Mother: [being humble] Oh, that's not fair!
Dr. House: Oh, yes it is! No, I get it. You want her to slim down so she can wear pretty clothes like yours. [Puts on fake girly voice] Love the bracelets! Hey, what about matching outfits? You could be twins! [Gasps] She can't be your daughter! It's impossible, you look way too young! [To daughter] Happy birthday. [To mother] Get the kid a damn ice cream cake. [leaves]

Dr. House: So, when I said "no psych meds", I'm just curious, which word didn't you understand?
Dr. Foreman: The Haldol had nothing to do with the bleed. You know that. I used it purely as a chemical restraint.
Dr. House: Oh, great, well, that's good to hear. So she won't experience any of those pesky little side effects you get when your motives aren't pure.

[a patient needs a liver transplant]
Dr. Foreman: Mickey Mantle had a whole bar named after him - he got a transplant.
Dr. House: Yeah. Well, Lucy can't switch hit.

Dr. Cuddy: Good morning, Dr. House.
Dr. House: Good morning, Dr. Cuddy! Love that outfit. Says, I’m professional, but I’m still a woman. Actually, it sorta yells the second part.
Dr. Cuddy: Yeah, and your big cane is real subtle too.
Dr. House: [Leaving quickly] Gotta go.

Dr. House: Ah, my birthday. Normally I'd put on a festive hat and celebrate the fact that the Earth has circled the Sun one more time; I really didn't think it was going to make it this year, but darn it if it wasn't the little planet that could all over again.

Dr. House: [To Cameron about his birthday] Why are you here? To buy me a pony?

Fidelity (1.07)

Dr. House: I don't ask why patients lie. I just assume they all do.

Dr. House: Ah! The husband described her as being unusually irritable recently.
Dr. Cameron: And?
Dr. House: I didn't know it was possible for a woman to be unusually irritable.
Dr. Cameron: Nice try, but you're a misanthrope, not a misogynist.

Dr. House: Fever. Clinical depression does not cause fever.
Dr. Foreman: She could be sick and depressed?
Dr. House: She's sick! Dammit, why didn't I think of that?

Dr. Cuddy: [about House and Wilson examining a busty patient] It takes two department heads to treat shortness of breath? What, do the complications increase exponentially with cup size?

Dr. Foreman: Why are you riding me?
Dr. House: It's what I do...has it gotten worse lately?
Dr. Foreman: Yeah. Seems to me.
Dr. House: Really. Well, that rules out the race thing. 'Cause you were just as black last week.

Dr. Foreman: Sleeping sickness from sex?
Dr. House: It's not without precedent.
Dr. Foreman: I'm pretty sure it is, unless you're talking about going to Africa and having sex with the tsetse fly.
Dr. House: A Portuguese man was diagnosed three years ago with CNS-affected sleeping sickness. His only connection with Africa was through a girlfriend who'd served under the military in Angola.
Dr. Chase: Oi, where'd you find that?
Dr. House: The journal of the Instituto de Higiene e Medicina Tropical. You don't read Portuguese?
Dr. Cameron: You do?
Dr. House: I'm pretty sure that's what it said. Either that or it was an ad for sunglasses.

Dr. Foreman: Are you saying there is a brain tumor that three ER doctors, two neurologists and a radiologist missed?
Dr House: Partridge in a pear tree missed it as well.

Dr. House: As long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.
Dr. Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.
Dr. House: So between us, we can do anything. We can rule the world!

[Cameron is in the lab working on some equipment]
Dr. House: Mixing up some margaritas? Mine's a double, Senorita. That's Portuguese you know.
Dr. Cameron: [too quietly] Spanish.
Dr. House: Uh-oh. What's going on?
Dr. Cameron: I'm re-calibrating the centrifuge.
Dr. House: Turn around.
[She does, and she's obviously been crying.]
Dr. House: It's a very sad thing, an un-calibrated centrifuge. It makes me cry too.
Dr. Cameron: I'm not crying.
Dr. House: Ok.
Dr. Cameron: When I was in college, I... I fell in love, and I got married. And...
Dr. House: At that age the chances of a marriage lasting...
Dr. Cameron: It lasted six months. Thyroid cancer metastasized to his brain. There was nothing they could do. I was 21, and I watched my husband die.
Dr. House: I'm sorry. But that's not the whole story. It's a symptom, not your illness. Thyroid cancer would have been diagnosed at least a year before his death, you knew he was dying when you married him. Must have been when you first met him. And you married him anyway. You can't be that good a person and well adjusted.
Dr. Cameron: Why?
Dr. House: Because you wind up crying over centrifuges.
Dr. Cameron: Or hating people.

Dr. House: Last three months, same five ties. Thursday should be that paisley thing.
Dr. Wilson: It's a gift from my wife!
Dr. House: No it's not, Julie hates green. You bought that yourself. You want to look pretty, at work.[Pause, then in a sing-song tone] Wilson's got a girlfriend!

Poison (1.08)

Dr. Foreman: The kid was just taking his AP calculus exam when all of a sudden he got nauseous and disoriented.
Dr. House: That's the way calculus presents.

Georgia: I notice colors more. And music. I- I'm really hearing music. I'm eighty-two, and I'm supposed to be playing canasta with the other old ladies, but... now when I see a guy with a cute butt...I just can't stop looking at him. [looks at House] Or a sexy beard.
Dr. House: And you figure that enjoying cute butts is a sign of disease?

Georgia: So I watched it. And it had this actor in it. This kid called Ashton Kutcher. Now, I think about Ashton all the time. All the time.
Dr. House: Aha.
Georgia: You remind me of him. Same bedroom eyes.
Dr. House: People are always mixing us up.

Dr. House: I assume "minimal at best" is your stiff upper lip British way of saying "no chance in hell."
Dr. Chase: I'm Australian.
Dr. House: You put the Queen on your money; you're British.

Dr. House: I, Margo Davis, have been informed of the risks which may arise from my refusal of advised medical care. I hereby release—
Margo: Who are you?
Dr. House: I work for the hospital. —the Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, its employees agents, and otherwise from any adverse medical conditions resulting from my refusal. It is not the hospital's fault if my son kicks off.
Margo: Kicks off?
Dr. House: I punched up the language a little, mostly for clarification. I understand my doctors consider my decision to be completely idiotic—
Margo: Why are you doing this?
Dr. House: —but I am convinced that I know more than they do, I took a biology course in high school. I assume that's... yeah. Besides, I enjoy controlling every single aspect of my son's life, even if it means his death. Sign here, please. I brought a pen.
Margo: Who are you?
Dr. House: I'm the doctor who's trying to save your son. You're the mom who's letting him die. Clarification: it's a beautiful thing.

Dr. Wilson: [Reading a poem Georgia left for Dr. House] "The healer with his magic powers/I could rub his gentle brow for hours/His manly chest, his stubbled jaw/Everything about him leaves me raw—"
Dr. House: Psych ward's upstairs.
Dr. Wilson: "—with joy. Oh, House your very name / Will never leave this girl the same." It's not bad for an 82-year-old. She asked me to give that to her true love.
Dr. House: What can I say? Chicks with no teeth turn me on.
Dr. Wilson: That's fairly disgusting.
Dr. House: That's ageism.
Dr. Wilson: You better watch yourself around this babe.

Dr. House: [to Georgia] I'm sorry, but the fact that the sexual pleasure center of your cerebral cortex has been over-stimulated by spirochetes is a poor basis for a relationship. Learned that one the hard way.

Mark: But Mom; you said Dad was your first love.
Georgia: He was. We're talking about sex.

Dr. Wilson: Hey, I'm a man. I don't have time for laundry. I'm saving lives here.

Dr. House: You're brain damaged. [pause] Doomed to feeling good for the rest of your life.
Georgia: [excited] Really? Well, when I stop being contagious, I'll come by for a check up [Winks].

Dr. House: Send Cameron. She's the only one of you who's managed to talk her into anything.
Dr. Chase: Not this time. Matt's mom won't make a move until she gets that opinion from the CDC.
Dr. Wilson: [scoffs] Godot would be faster.
Dr. House: Mr. Adams, would you step outside for a moment?
Adams: Why?
Dr. House: Because you irritate me.

DNR (1.09)

Dr. House: DNR means Do Not Resuscitate. It does not mean Do Not Treat!

Dr. House: Like I always say, there's no "I" in "team." There is a "me," though, if you jumble it up.

Dr. Foreman: You assaulted that man.
Dr. House: Fine. I'll never do it again.
Dr. Foreman: Yes, you will.
Dr. House: All the more reason this debate is pointless.

Dr. Wilson: [whispering to House, as they sit in court] You know how some doctors have the Messiah complex - they need to save the world? You've got the "Rubik's" complex; you need to solve the puzzle.
Dr. House: [whispering back to Wilson] Are you done? Or do you have more references to 1980's fads? [points his cane to the judge] I'm trying to listen to this. [he furrows his eyebrows quickly at Wilson and turns back around]

Dr. Foreman: He doesn't want you treating him!
Dr. House: They dropped the court order.
Dr. Wilson: Yeah, and that girl dropped the charges against Kobe. Doesn't mean that he should call her and see if she's free to get a sundae.

Willie: My nature isn't what it used to be. The little man has lost some bounce in his step. He needs to crank it up, have himself some fun this weekend. He wants the blue pills.
Dr. House: You're talking about your penis in the third person.
Willie: Me and him, two people.
Dr. House: Separate vacations? That'd be a drag for one of you. I don't think you need the pills. I think you have a conflict of medications. You need to up your insulin to "chocolate chip ice cream" levels.
Willie: Insulin?
Dr. House: Yeah, you remember. That's the stuff you take for the diabetes that you forgot to tell the nurse about. Your hands. No hair, which means nerve damage. And your shoes look about two sizes too small, which means you've lost sensation in your feet. And then there's your pants.
Willie: My pants tell you I have diabetes?
Dr. House: No, they tell me you're an idiot. Powdered sugar on the right pant leg. Based on the two napkins in your right pocket, I'm willing to bet it's not your first donut of the day.
[House's beeper beeps, then he gives him a prescription]
Willie: You're giving me the pills?
Dr. House: Sure, why not? If you've got heart disease from ignoring the diabetes, they'll kill you. Otherwise, you two have a fun weekend.

John: You don't risk jail and your career just to save somebody who doesn't want to be saved unless you got something, anything, one thing. The reason normal people got wives and kids and hobbies, whatever, that's because they don't got that one thing that hits them that hard and that true. I got music; you got this. The thing you think about all the time, the thing that keeps you south of normal. Yeah, makes us great, makes us the best. All we miss out on is everything else. No woman waiting at home after work with the drink and the kiss. That ain't gonna happen for us.
Dr. House: That's why God made microwaves.
John: Yeah. But when it's over... It's over.

Dr. Wilson: So your philosophy is, 'If they don't want treatment, they get it shoved down their throat, but if it might cure their paralysis, whoa, better slow down.'
Dr. House: Yeah. My old philosophy used to be 'Live and let live,' but I'm taking this needlepoint class and they gave us these really big pillows.

[House is walking out of the hospital after curing John Henry, he pops a pair of Vicodin as he walks up behind him]
John: Dr. House.
Dr. House: You're being released?
John: I have a limo waiting outside.
Dr. House: I bet I can beat you to the car.
[John laughs]
Dr. House: You seem much more easily amused when you can walk.
John: What a surprise. [pause] I want you to have this. [hands him his trumpet]
Dr. House: Wow....
John: You can sell it if you'd like, probably fetch a good price on eBay. Just promise me you won't play.
Dr. House: Thank you.
John: [pointing at House's Vicodin bottle] So how many of those pills are you taking?
Dr. House: I'm in pain.
John: [chuckles] Yeah... aren't we all?
[they walk towards the door]
John: So where do you get these things? Do they have cane stores?
Dr. House: Don't worry, you'll be jogging before you need another one.

Dr. Foreman: He signed a DNR.
Dr. House: [Has headphones on, and takes them off] He rhymes with "dinner"?
Dr. Foreman: He signed a DNR.
Dr. House: Oh. That makes more sense.

[Foreman is leaving the hospital]
Dr. House: See you tomorrow, Eric.

Histories (1.10)

Dr. House: [breaking up an argument between Dr. Wilson and Dr. Foreman] Okay, you two! Grab some scalpels and settle this like doctors.

Student: You're reading a comic book.
Dr. House: And you're calling attention to your bosom by wearing a low-cut top.
[the student covers her chest with her clipboard]
Dr. House: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were having a state-the-obvious contest. I'm competitive by nature.

Dr. Wilson: You really don't need to know everything about everybody.
Dr. House: I don't need to watch The O.C., but it makes me happy.

[House is snooping through Wilson's file to try finding out why Wilson is insisting on a homeless woman being treated]
Dr. Wilson: You know, in some cultures, it's considered almost rude for one friend to spy on another. Of course, in Swedish, the word "friend" can also be translated as "limping twerp."
[House's pager starts beeping]
Dr. Wilson: Did your pager really just go off, or are you ditching the conversation?
Dr. House: Why can't both be true?

Dr. Chase: You're joking.
Dr. House: Well, hard not to - nothing funnier than cancer.

Dr. House: Hey! He knows more homeless people than any of us! [to Foreman] Go check out the hood, dawg.

[House is looking at a comic drawn by a patient, using clues to figure out her identity]
Dr. House: Philadelphia. Look at that skyline. It's very evocative. The Chrysler Building.
Dr. Foreman: That's a cloud.
Dr. Cameron: And the Chrysler Building's in New York.
Dr. House: Eh, I'm getting Philly. And that cactus, well, that's a smashed car? Car accident!
Dr. Cameron: A cactus in Philly?
Dr. House: Water? [to Wilson] Well, water's October, right?
Dr. Wilson: Obviously.
Dr. House: The page number's 22, so that's October 2nd, 2002. Ergo, the patient was in a car accident two years ago last October.
Dr. Wilson: My goodness! Was she okay?
Dr. House: Broke her arm, I think. And they fixed it, with this.
[holds up surgical pin from the patient's arm]
Dr. House: Surgical pin. Better than a wallet. Serial number, in case you recall, are tied to a patient's name.

Dr. House: Tell me what happened.
Police Officer: Read the report! I found her laying on the grass.
Dr. House: No, tell me what really happened.
Police Officer: Well since it's you- I found her laying on the grass.
Dr. House: Thats a cool gun you've got.
Police Officer: It's not a gun, it's a taser.
Dr. House: Ooh, it's so cool. What does it do? Fire 60000 volts.. mm, thats what it would take to jack someone's heart up to 150.
Police Officer: Okay.. okay, lets just say I tell you what happened, but let's make this between you and me, right?
Dr. House: Mmm.
Police Officer: I found her laying. On. The. Grass.
Dr. House: Okay, fine, you don't tell me. How about you tell my friend Ben Franklin. [waves $100 bill]
[The officer stares at him]
Dr. House: I watch a lot of cop shows.

Detox (1.11)

Dr. Cuddy: You know, there are other ways to manage pain.
Dr. House: Like what, laughter? Meditation? Got a guy who can fix my third chakra?

[House barges into the operating theater without scrubbing down.]
Dr. House: Stop the gasses.
Dr. Hourani: What the hell are you doing, House?!
Dr. House: Saving a sixteen year old kid from a lifetime of immunosuppressant drugs and a very nasty scar. This kid does not have lupoid hepatitis. He has acute naphthalene toxicity.
Dr. Hourani: Naphthalene? You're talking about mothballs?
Dr. House: Nope. Termites, which produce naphthalene to protect their nest, which I'm assuming is fairly large and in all four walls of his bedroom at home.
Dr. Hourani: And your assumption is based on…what?
Dr. House: The autopsy I just conducted on his pet cat.
Dr. Hourani: Call Cuddy. And security.
Dr. House: You're not removing that kid's liver.
Dr. Hourani: Now!
[House retches and spits on Hourani.]
Dr. Hourani: GAH! Have you COMPLETELY lost your mind?!
Dr. House: No, but I've been feeling sick lately.
[House sneezes onto some tissue and drops it next to the surgery tools, then leaves without waiting for a response.]
Anesthesiologist: There's no way we can do this surgery now.
Dr. Hourani: You think?!

[House has just admitted he is addicted to Vicodin.]
Dr. House: I said I was an addict, I didn't say I had a problem. I pay my bills, I make my meals. I function.
Dr. Wilson: That all you want? You have no relationships.
Dr. House: I don't want any relationships.
Dr. Wilson: You alienate people.
Dr. House: I've been alienating people since I was three.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, come on! Drop it! You don't think you've changed over the last few years?
Dr. House: Of course I have. I've...I've gotten older. My hairs got thinner. Sometimes I'm bored. Sometimes I'm lonely. Sometimes I wonder what it all means.
Dr. Wilson: No. I was there. You are not just some regular guy who's getting older. You've changed! You're miserable! And you're scared to face yourself-
Dr. House: [slams his cane on the shelf] OF COURSE I'VE CHANGED!
Dr. Wilson: [pause] And everything's the leg? Nothing's the pills? They haven't done a thing to you?
Dr. House: They let me do my job. And they take away my pain.

Dr. House: His liver is shutting down.
Father: What? What does that mean?
Dr. House: Means he's all better, he can go home.
Father: What?
Dr. House: What do you think it means? He can't live without a liver, he's dying.
Father: What is your problem?
Dr. House: Bum leg, what's yours?

Pharmacist: Okay, pharmaceuticals were delivered this morning, but shipping accidentally sent the box with Vicodin to research.
Dr. House: Hmmm. That's a tough one. If only we had some way to communicate with another part of the building.
[He picks up the phone.]

Dr. Cuddy: You're addicted.
Dr. House: If the pills ran my life, I'd agree with you, but it's my leg busy calendaring what I can't do.

Dr. Wilson: My God, she really is beautiful.
Dr. House:She's hot, so I should do her? What kind of pathetic logic is that?
Dr. Wilson:The envious, jealous, I'm-married-so-I-can't-do-anything kind of logic, hello!

Dr. House: I take risks; sometimes patients die. But not taking risks causes more patients to die, so I guess my biggest problem is I've been cursed with the ability to do the math.

Sports Medicine (1.12)

Dr. House: Now why would a guy in his twenties have a poor kidney?
Dr. Cameron: Cancer. It first attacks the bones, and then the kidneys.
Dr. House: Come on, people!
[Pulls out Hank's baseball card]
Dr. House: He was 17 and 7! His ERA was 2.10!
Dr. Cameron: You want it to be his kidneys, because if it's his kidneys, then maybe we can treat it, maybe we can fix it. And if it's cancer, then he'll never pitch again. If this were a regular guy who came in and broke his arm lifting a box, you would've packed him up and sent him home!
Dr. House: My God, you're right, I lost my head. All life is equally sacred. And I promise you, the next knitting injury that comes in here, we're on it like stink on cheese.

Patient #3: I can't get my contact lenses out-
Dr. House: Out of what? They're not in your eyes.
Patient #3: But they're red.
Dr. House: That's because you're trying to remove your corneas.[moves to next patient] What's wrong with you?
Patient #4: Uh, lately, my wife has noticed that...
Dr. House: Yeah, yeah. Symptoms, [gestures at Cuddy] we're working on a personal best here.
Patient #4: Numbness in my feet and hands, constipation...
Dr. House: And?
Dr. Cuddy: Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable talking about his private matters...
Dr. House: Well, neither would I, if I was having trouble controlling my pee pee!
[to patient]
Dr. House: You're a dentist. Nitrous oxide poisoning, which means you're either dipping into your own supply, or you've got a bad valve in the office. Laughing gas rehab's probably more expensive than the plumber. Meanwhile, get yourself some B12.
[moves to college student]
Dr. House: Who's left?
College Student: I can't see. [House and Cuddy look appalled] Nah, I'm just screwing with you. [House looks at Cuddy, who smiles] It's a hangover, my English Lit professor told me he'd fail me next time if I didn't show up with a doctor's note.
Dr. House: Well, make friends with the dentist. He can give you a note, and maybe a little nitrous to take the edge off.
[he looks at the clock and walks out]

Hank: I am clean, man, no steroids, no nothing.
Dr. House: Your lips say no, your prunes say yes.

Lola: You got a big "Keep Out" sign stapled on your forehead.
Dr. House: That explains it, I told them to put it on my door.
Lola: Even if real human contact is something you don't have or even want or need, you should at least be able to see it in other people.
Dr. House: Yeah. Right. True love. That's just how we match organs these days. There's a couple in France, high school sweethearts - they're trading brains.

Dr. House: What, you're saying I've only got one friend?
Dr. Wilson: Uh, and who…?
Dr. House: Kevin, in Bookkeeping.
Dr. Wilson: Okay, well first of all, his name's Carl.
Dr. House: I call him Kevin. It's his secret "friendship club" name.

Dr. Cameron: Would you give up a baby for someone you love?
Dr. House: Please tell me I don't have to decide. Depends, how long would they live?
Dr. Cameron: Is this a pragmatic question for you?
Dr. House: Fifty years, no problem. Six months, I say let 'em die. Well, I've actually given this a lot of thought, and my personal tipping point is seven years, eight months, and 14 days.

Dr. House: You see, kidneys don't wear watches. Sure, gallbladders do, but it doesn't matter, 'cause kidneys can't tell time.

Dr. House: Less money is made by biochemists working on a cure for cancer than by their colleagues struggling valiantly to find ways to hide steroid use.

Lola: He drops clean urine, denies using steroids, and you're giving him a drug for what, steroid abuse?
Dr. House: No, no, it's not. No, it's got calcium in it. It's very good for the bones. Basically, at a molecular level, it's just milk.
[Lola leaves]
Dr. House: [to Wilson] How long do you figure before I get a call from Cuddy?

Dr. Cuddy: You put him on Lupron.
Dr. House: Uh-huh.
Dr. Cuddy: And, you told them it was like milk.
Dr. House: Yes.
Dr. Cuddy: Is there any way in which that is not a lie?
Dr. House: It's creamy. But, I had three reasons.
Dr. Cuddy: Good ones?
Dr. House: Well, we'll see in a minute; I'm just making them up now.

Dr. House: We have managed to find the ONLY Sportsman in the galaxy who is NOT on steroids!

Cursed (1.13)

Dr. Cuddy: Twelve year old male, spiking fever, congested chest, coughing up green sputum, shortness of breath, pain in breathing...
Dr. House: Baffling, though I vaguely recall a disease called moonomia...noo-mania...?
Dr. Cuddy: But his test showed an atypical pattern for pneumonia.
Dr. House: Pneumonia! That's the one!

Dr. Chase: How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life?
Dr. House: I'd hate it. That's why I cleverly have no personal life.

Dr. Chase: [about his father] I don't hate him. I loved him until I figured out it hurts a lot less to just not care. You don't expect him to turn up to your football match? No disappointments. You don't expect a call on your birthday, don't expect to see him for months? No disappointments. You want us to go make up? Sink a few beers together, nice family hug? I've given him enough hugs. He's given me enough disappointments.

Jeffrey Reilich: You're treating him for both diseases?
Dr. Foreman: Covering all the bases.
Jeffrey Reilich: What, throw everything against the wall and see what sticks?
Dr. Chase: Works for spaghetti.
[Everyone stares at him]

Dr. House: (To Vicodin) There you are. Were you scared? It's OK you're home now.

Dr. Cuddy: Just enlarged hilar lymph nodes.
Dr. House: Tiny unicorns goring his bronchial tubes would be cooler.

Dr. House: Take another history. Even if we don't figure out what's causing this, we definitely need to know if twelve-year-olds are getting any action.

Dr. Wilson: You want to get to the bottom of this, you're doing it exactly right: don't talk to the people involved. Drag your buddy away from work for some pointless speculation.
Dr. House: You want to know how two chemicals interact. Do you ask them? No, they're going to lie through their lying little chemical teeth. Throw them in a beaker and apply heat.
Dr. Wilson: God! Even I don't like you.
Dr. House: You know, words can hurt.

Dr. House: But the patient's getting better.
Dr. Chase: In spite of the Cytoxin.
Dr. House: On the other hand... getting better.
Dr. Chase: Cytoxin makes him more susceptible to infection. The anthrax could relapse and be more resistant.
Dr. House: Better!
Dr. Chase: You want a negative test on every autoimmune disease known to man? Fine!
Dr. House: Be home by midnight or you can't have the car this weekend.

Dr. Cameron: Parents are never as bad as kids think they are.

Dr. House: You can't tell Chase but I can. What shall I do?
Dr. Wilson: Oh...This is where I give you advice and pretend you're going to listen to it. I like this part.

Dr. Wilson: There's also the keeping your promises thingy.
Dr. House: You never run out of thingies.

Control (1.14)

[The hospital's just been bought by billionaire drug mogul Edward Vogler]
Dr. House: No, I have seen every scary movie ever made. Six-year old twins in front of an elevator with blood. Boys' choirs. Those are bad omens. This is much more mundane. A billionaire wants to get laid.
Dr. Wilson: Billionaires buy movie studios to get laid. They buy hospitals to get respect.
Dr. House: And the reason you want respect...?
Dr. Wilson: To... get laid.

Dr. Cuddy: I need you to wear your lab coat.
Dr. House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.

Dr. House: She's the CEO of Sonyo Cosmetics. Three assistants and fifteen VPs checked out who should be treating her. Who da man? I da man. I always suspected.

Dr. House: Haven't done the MUGA.
Dr. Wilson: Then how do you know she needs a heart transplant?
Dr. House: I got my aura read today. It said someone close to me had a broken heart.

[about Vogler being appointed board chairman of the hospital]
Dr. Cameron: That's not necessarily bad news.
Dr. Foreman: Do you ever watch "Gilligan's Island" reruns and really, really think they're going to get off the island this time?

Dr. Wilson: She was uncomfortable doing any more tests! I had to convince her to do that one!
Dr. House: Do you get that often? Women would rather die than get naked with you?

Dr. House: You value our friendship more than your ethical responsibilities.
Dr. Wilson: Our friendship is an ethical responsibility.

Dr. House: Why are you doing this?
Dr. Cameron: I'm not doing anything.
Dr. House: You're manipulating everyone.
Dr. Cameron: People... dismiss me. Because I'm a woman, because I'm pretty, because I'm not agressive. My opinions shouldn't be rejected just because people don't like me.
Dr. House: They like you. Everyone likes you.
[he starts to walk away]
Dr. Cameron: Do you? I have to know.
Dr. House: No.
Dr. Cameron: [smiles quietly] Okay.

[Vogler has reason to believe House lied during the transplant committee meeting]
Vogler: This is not a game, Dr. House.
Dr. House: No, this is more like we're dancing right now.

Mob Rules (1.15)

Bill: His name's Joey, he's my only brother.
Dr. House: He's important to you. Got it. No placebos for him, we'll use the real medicine.

Dr. Chase: You can trust me.
Dr. House: Problem is, if I can't trust you, I can't trust your statement that I can trust you. But thanks anyway, you've been a big help.

Dr. House: Need the lawyer.
Vogler: Who'd you kill?
Dr. House: Nobody, but it's not even lunch.

Dr. House: What does the other liver test tell us?
Dr. Cameron: Normal "" levels point to an acute.
Dr. Chase: Oh, okay, and why is her test better than mine?
Dr. House: Because she's cuter.

Dr. House: We're a bit of a specialized hospital. We generally only deal with patients when they're actually sick.

Dr. Foreman: You thought he was being poisoned by hemlock? Dr. Euripides tell you to check for that?

Dr. Cameron: I don't have the right to show interest in someone?
Dr. Foreman: You absolutely do, and I absolutely have the right to humiliate you for it.

Bill: You wanna get hit, too?
Dr. House: That would be quite a trick. "He slapped me so hard his brother turned straight."
Bill: Joey is not gay.
Dr. House: Maybe not gay. But certainly delightful. And hitting a doctor. Even if it was only Chase... and then asking another to keep his chart fresh and homo free.

Dr. House: That's what I love about you mob guys: so tolerant of others, so accepting. Only way he was coming out was way, way out. Lose the tattoos, change his name, move to another town; how's a guy like him going to do that? Witness protection. It's not just for witnesses any more.

Dr. House: He's a thirty year old mobster. He doesn't have an occupation that results in accidental exposure to toxins. He has a job that results in intentional exposure to toxins. Someone's poisoned him.

Heavy (1.16)

Dr. Wilson: The ultrasound and biopsy confirmed our worry. The tumor is extremely large, at least thirty pounds.
Lucille: Oh, God.
Dr. House: It's actually a personal record for this clinic.

Dr. House: You ever see an infected pierced scrotum?
Dr. Cuddy: Um, no, but I know a few people on whom I'd like to see it happen.

Dr. Foreman: Ten year olds do not have heart attacks. It's gotta be a mistake.
Dr. House: Right. The simplest explanation is she's a forty-year-old lying about her age. Maybe an actress trying to hang on.

Lucille: It's really bad, especially at night. It's like my heart is on fire, like it's, uh, oh, I don't know, like it's...
Dr. House: Burning?
Lucille: Exactly!
Dr. House: Hmm, sounds almost like heartburn.
Lucille: So, can you give me something?
Dr. House: Like a thesaurus?

Lucille: I'm not pregnant.
Dr. House: Sorry, you don't get to make that call unless you have a stethoscope. Union rules.

Lucille: This is what a woman is supposed to look like. We're not just skin and bones - we have flesh. We have curves.
Dr. House: You have little people inside you.

[Dr. House has been told to fire one of his doctors]
Dr. House: I'm thinking I can convince Vogler it would be more cost-efficient to let me keep all of them.
Dr. Wilson: Yeah, you should be able to pull that off. Most billionaires aren't very good with numbers.
Dr. House: It will be more cost-efficient once I've grabbed Cameron's ass, called Foreman a spade, and Chase, well, I can grab his ass, too.
Dr. Wilson: You are uniquely talented in many areas, but office politics is not one of them.

Dr. House: Figures you'd try and come up with a solution where no one gets hurt. The problem is, the world doesn't work that way just 'cause you want it to.
Dr. Cameron: Figures you'd stall and refuse to deal with the issue. Problem is, the world doesn't go away just because you want it to.

Dr. House: Physician-patient confidentiality protects me from annoying conversations.

Lucille: I'll have a huge scar. I won't be able to wear a bikini.
Dr. House: You wear a bikini now?
Lucille: Yeah, you got a problem with that?
Dr. House: No, but I've never gone swimming with you.

Role Model (1.17)

Dr. House: He didn't have any reason to lie.
Dr. Wilson: Everybody lies...except politicians? House, I believe you're a romantic. You didn't just believe him - you believed in him. You want to come over tonight and watch old movies and cry?
[pauses, points]
Dr. Wilson: Dr. Cameron's getting to you. Well, I guess you can't be around that much niceness and not get any on you.
Dr. House: Is that why you haven't put the moves on her?
Dr. Wilson: What makes you think I haven't put the moves on her?
[House stops and stares obviously jealous]
Dr. Wilson: Oh. [whispers] Oh boy! You're in trouble.
[laughs and exits]

Dr. Cuddy: Oh, why do you have to make everything so dramatic? [Elevator dings.]
Dr. House: Because I’m a very high-strung little lapdog. [as he enters the elevator] Ruff ruff ruff, rarr, ruff! [Cuddy looks faintly disgusted.]

Dr. Cameron: Do you know why people believe in God?
Dr. House: I thought you didn't believe in God.
Dr. Cameron: I don't.
Dr. House: Well then, you'd better be making a very good point.
Dr. Cameron: Do you think they pray to him and praise him because they want him to know how great he is? God already knows that.
Dr. House: Are you ... comparing me to God? I mean, that's great, but just so you know, I've never made a tree.
Dr. Cameron: I thank you because it means something to me. To be grateful for what I receive.
Dr. House: You are the most naive atheist I've ever met... thank God. People pray so that God won't crush them like bugs. I'm not gonna crush you.

Dr. Cuddy: In the Senator's condition, a spleen biopsy could easily cause sepsis and kill him!
Dr. House: Why do you do this to me? Now if I kill him, I can't tell the judge I had no idea of the risks involved.

Dr. Cameron: [giving differential diagnosis] Idiopathic T-cell deficiency?
Dr. House: Idiopathic, from the Latin meaning we're idiots 'cause we can't figure out what's causing it. Give him a whole body scan.
Dr. Cameron: You hate whole body scans.
Dr. House: 'Cause they're useless. Could probably scan every one of us and find five different doodads that look like cancer. But, when you're 4th-down, 100 to go, in the snow, you don't call a running play up the middle. Unless you're the Jets.
[House leaves]
Dr. Cameron: I hate sports metaphors.

Dr. Cuddy: You're not doing a brain biopsy on a spot on an MRI.
Dr. House: Where'd you get that?
Dr. Cuddy: Not on a United States Senator.
Dr. House: Oh, just so I'm clear: if he was a janitor, that would be okay. Do you have a list?

Senator: What will the voters think? If they find out I've had a b-brain biopsy?
Dr. House: This could leave you b-b-b-brain damaged... and you're worried about Nascar dads?

Dr. House: [to black Senator] You're not going to become President either way. They don't call it the White House because of the paint job.

Dr. House: Someday there will be a gay president. Someday there will be a black president. There might even be a gay black president. But one combination I do not see happening is gay, black and dead.

Dr. House: [Regarding the speech promoting a new product Vogler is forcing him to give] I am selling my soul.
Dr. Wilson: Just a little piece. And you are getting something in return.
Dr. House: I said I was selling it. I didn't say I was giving it away. That would be immoral and stupid.

Senator: Nah, I won't win.
Dr. House: Then why run?
Senator: Oh. You're saying the only way to make a difference is to win?

Dr. House: [at press convention] Ed Vogler is a brilliant businessman, a brilliant judge of people, and a man who has never lost a fight. You know how I know that the new ACE inhibitor is good? Because the old one was good. The new one is really the same, it's just more expensive. A lot more expensive. See, that's another example of Ed's brilliance. Whenever one of his drugs is about to lose its patent he has his boys and girls alter it just a tiny bit and patent it all over again. Making not just a pointless new pill, but millions and millions of dollars. Which is good for everybody, right? Except for the patients. Psht. Who cares? They're just so damn sick. God obviously never liked them anyway. [Chase chugs his wine.]

Babies & Bathwater (1.18)

Dr. House: Hey! You're killing her!
Vogler: Really? See, I thought you were the one trying to ram her into a drug trial five minutes after surgery.
Dr. House: She knew the risks! She was fully informed!
Vogler: Yeah, well the guy running the study sure wasn't.
Dr. House: Not his life, not his call!
Vogler: His study, his call!
Dr. House: Right. So she kicks off, his numbers look bad!
Vogler: The numbers look bad, the study looks bad.
Dr. House: Which would cost you money.
Vogler: Yeah, and keep a life-saving protocol off the market.
Dr. House: One person, one blip in the data!
Vogler: You ever heard of the FDA? They eat blips for breakfast! One person should never endanger thousands!
Dr. House: Well thank God you were here to save all those lives!
Vogler: [Laughs faintly] The board's meeting again in an hour. Why don't you watch your soap? I hear they're firing the handsome doctor today...

Dr. House: Did you make a pass at Cuddy? I told you: she only has thighs for me.

Dr. House: She has gone from the 25th weight percentile to the 3rd in one month. Now I'm not a baby expert, but I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to shrink.
Rachel Kaplan: Well there's this diet we put her on when she stopped breast feeding...
Andrew Kaplan: But it's healthy, um, raw food. We're vegans. Almond milk, tofu, uh, vegetables...
Dr. House: Raw food... If only her ancestors had mastered the secret of fire. Babies need fat, proteins, calories. Less important: sprouts and hemp. Starving babies is bad and illegal in many cultures. I'm having her admitted.

Dr. House: Don't worry, it's a vegan I.V.

[House is dreaming that Vogler has cancer]
Vogler: So, there is some hope.
Dr. House: Always. But just in case, I special-ordered a jumbo-sized coffin.
Vogler: Hey ...
Dr. House: Don't thank me. It's just who I am.

Dr. House: Sorry, up late. Internet porn.
Dr. Chase: How come you're not in your office?
Dr. House: Because there is a computer in my office. If I log on, romance will ensue. My wrist might fall off.

Dr. House: I really should have kept Cameron. She knew where to find the sugar.
Dr. Chase: It's what I said. Pre-eclampsia. A little stress from the MRA and she pops right into labor.
Dr. House: A-ha! [holds up a packet of sugar]

Dr. Wilson: I have no kids, my marriage sucks... I only got two things that work for me: this job and this stupid screwed up friendship, and neither mattered enough for you to give one lousy speech.
Dr. House: They matter... If I could do it all again—
Dr. Wilson: —you'd do the exact same thing.
[House nods]

Dr. House: Any vote to revoke my tenure has to be unanimous. I’ve got you and maybe even Cuddy.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, well that settles it. Mr. Ruthless Corporate Raider will be stymied, go home, curl up on the floor of his shower and weep.

Kids (1.19)

Dr. House: I saw the light on.
Dr. Cameron: It's daytime.
Dr. House: Yeah. It's a figure of speech. Always so literal.
Dr. Cameron: Got a new cane.
Dr. House: Yeah. Guy in the store said it was slimming. Vertical stripe...
Dr. Cameron: Why are you here?
Dr. House: Vogler is dead.
Dr. Cameron: What? What happened?
Dr. House: Again with the literal translation. Vogler the idea. Mr. Destructo. Mr. Money Bags, "Bow down before me"; he's gone from the hospital, so things can go back to the way they were.
Dr. Cameron: The way they were was kinda weird.
Dr. House: Ehh...weird works for me.
Dr. Cameron: What are you saying? Literally?
Dr. House: I want you to come back.
Dr. Cameron: Why?
[House's beeper goes off, Cameron crosses her arms]
Dr. House: Please unclench. You're not on the clock, and when you do that, I clench, and then it's the whole thing...
Dr. Cameron: Could you look at your pager?
[he does]
Dr. House: It's no big deal, some sort of epidemic. Not my area.
Dr. Cameron: You should go, it's important.
Dr. House: What I'm doing now is important.
Dr. Cameron: Why do you want me back?
Dr. House: Because you're a good doctor.
Dr. Cameron: That's it?
Dr. House: That's not enough?
Dr. Cameron: Not for me. Go deal with your plague.
[she shuts the door in his face]

[House walks into hospital and sees room full of possible epidemic patients and turns around towards exit]
Dr. Cuddy: Dr. House! We need you here.
Dr. House: Sorry, lotta sick people. I might catch something.

Dr. Roger Spain: Wow, I thought you'd be the last person to have a problem with nonconformity.
Dr. House: Nonconformity; right... I can't remember the last time I saw a twenty something kid with a tattoo of an Asian letter on his wrist. You are one wicked free thinker! You want to be a rebel; stop being cool. Wear a pocket protector like he does, and get a hair cut. Like the Asian kids that don't leave the library for a twenty hours stretch. They're the ones that don't care what you think.
Dr. House: Sayonara
[Dr. Spain exits office]
Dr. Wilson: So, should I go through all the resumes looking for Asian names?
Dr. House: Actually, the Asian kids are probably just responding to parental pressure, but my point is still valid.

Dr. House: [Walking into his office, where Wilson is waiting with another job applicant] Sorry. I was taking a dump.
Dr. Petra Gilmar: Well I guess I'm better off interviewing right after than right before.
[Dr House and Dr Wilson exchange a surprised glance.]
Dr. House: You Jewish?
Dr. Petra Gilmar: [Keeping her cool] Yes.
Dr. House: Is it true what they say about Jewish foreplay?
Dr. Wilson: [Desperate to change the subject] Uh, uh—
Dr. Petra Gilmar: Two hours of begging?
Dr. House: I heard four.
Dr. Petra Gilmar: Well, actually I'm only half Jewish. [After a significant, impressed pause from House and Wilson] Look, I know you like to play games, push buttons. I have four brothers. Long as you keep your hands to yourself, I'm okay with anything that comes out of your mouth.
'[After they shake hands and she escorts herself out]
Dr. Wilson: That's our Hitler!!
Dr. House: No. Did you see her shoes?
Dr. Wilson: Her shoes? What, did your horoscope in Vogue tell you to avoid women wearing green shoes?
Dr. House: The eyes can mislead, a smile can lie, but the shoes always tell the truth.
Dr. Wilson: They were Prada, which means she has good taste.
Dr. House: They were not Prada. You wouldn't know Prada if one stepped on your scrotum.
Dr. Wilson: Okay, well... they were nice, pointy.

Dr. House: Right rudder. Bank, bank, bank!
Dr. Cuddy: Good coffee? The rest of this hospital is busting its tail and you're—
[House's eyes get really wide, and he covers them with his folder]
Dr. Cuddy: What are you doing?
Dr. House: Trying to think of anything except the produce department at Whole Foods.
[Wilson smirks]
Dr. Cuddy: I am working, it got hot, stop acting like a 13-year-old!
Dr. House: Sorry, you just don't usually see breasts like that on Deans of Medicine.
[Wilson tries to look anywhere except at Cuddy's chest]
Dr. Cuddy: Oh, women can't be heads of hospitals? Or just ugly ones?
Dr. House: No, they can be babes. You just don't usually see their funbags.

Dr. Wilson: You had the perfect person, and you blew it.
Dr. House: You saw the shoes!
Dr. Wilson: I'm not talking about her.
Dr. House: You're talking about Cameron.
Dr. Wilson: I'm talking about every woman you've ever given a damn about.
Dr. House: Cameron is so not perfect.
Dr. Wilson: Nobody's perfect.
Dr. House: Mother Theresa?
Dr. Wilson: Dead.
Dr. House: Angelina Jolie?
Dr. Wilson: No medical degree.
Dr. House: Oh, so now who's being picky?

Mary: You're going to tell my parents?
Dr. House: Someone should. Rock paper scissors?
Mary: They don't need to know. I'll be all right.
Dr. House: Of course you will. If you're old enough to bleed out of your vagina, obviously you're old enough to handle a simple thing like an abortion without Mommy and Daddy's help.

Dr. Wilson: You're not going to be happy with anyone.
Dr. House: So what, your advice is... hire someone I'm not happy with and be happy?
Dr. Wilson: No, my advice is much more subtle. Stop being an ass.

Love Hurts (1.20)

Dr. Wilson: [about Cameron] So she's really coming back?
Patient: Who's coming back?
Dr. House: You don't know her.
Dr. Wilson: You give her a raise? Increase her benefits?
Dr. House: Don't have TiVo on this thing, can't rewind. Shut up.
Patient: You lower her hours?
Dr. House: You don't even know her!
Dr. Wilson: Who is this guy?
Dr. House: He's a patient.
Patient: He's examining me.
Dr. House: He's got to go back to work as soon as I'm done with the examination. Guess I do too.
Dr. Wilson: It's got to be something. I mean, she didn't come back because she likes you.
[House gets a strange look on his face]
Dr. Wilson: Wait a minute! She did come back because she likes you!
Patient: Heh heh! You dog! You slept with her!
Dr. House: Keep talking. I'll finish your exam with a prostate check.
[to Wilson]
Dr. House: I've agreed to take her on one date.
Dr. Wilson: What?!
Patient: So you into this girl?
Dr. Wilson: Yes.
Dr. House: No! She's not giving me any choice.
Patient: Wait... she's making you do her?
Dr. House: Date her.
Dr. Wilson: Young ingénue doctor falling in love with gruff, older mentor; her sweet, gentle nature bring him to a closer, fuller understanding of his wounded heart.
Patient: [puts his arm around House's shoulders] Do her, or you're gay.
Dr. House: For God's sake.
[grabs TV and as he's walking out the door]
Dr. Wilson & Patient: [singing] —sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G
Dr. House: Grow up. And learn to harmonize.

Dr. Cameron: [Referring to Dr. House] He agreed to go on a date with me.
Dr. Foreman: A date? Date, dinner and a movie, naked and sweaty date?
Dr. Cameron: He only committed to the first two.

Dr. Chase: House isn’t gonna hand you anything…You want him, you gotta take him - Jump him.

Ramona: My OB-GYN died recently. Nice man. Warm hands.
Dr. House: Not anymore.

Dr. House: Wow. Well, you've certainly given me a lot to think about. If only I was as open as you.
Dr. Cuddy: Well...
Dr. House: Actually, it was your blouse I was talking to.

Dr. Foreman: Hey, I've been on the scene more than you recently.
Dr. House: Way ahead of you. I've got a case of malt liquor stashed in the trunk, Mr. Marvin Gaye on the CD. We are gonna get all the way down.

Dr. House: The Love Doctor has made an art of breaking up with women. 'Cause you're convinced that the loss of you would be too devastating for any woman to handle.
Dr. Foreman: Yeah, I'm the one with the serious ego problem here.

Dr. Wilson: [House is attempting to put on a tie before his date with Cameron] The wide side's too short. You're gonna look like Lou Costello.
Dr. House: This is a mistake. I don't know how to have casual conversation. You think you're talking about one thing, and either you are and it's incredibly boring, or you're not because it's subtext and you need a decoder ring.
Dr. Wilson: Open doors for her, help her with her chair...
Dr. House: I have been on a date.
Dr. Wilson: Uh, not since disco died. Comment on her shoes, her earrings, and then move on to D.H.A.: her Dreams, Hopes, and Aspirations. Trust me — panty-peeler. Oh, and if you need condoms, I've got some.
Dr. House: [sarcastically] Did your wife give them to you?
Dr. Wilson: Drug rep. They got antibiotics built in, somehow.
Dr. House: I should cancel. I've got a patient in surgery tomorrow.
[House moves to the kitchen]
Dr. Wilson: And if you were a surgeon, that would actually matter.

Dr. Cameron: I have one evening with you, one chance. And I don't want to waste it talking about what movies you like or what wines you hate. I want to know how you feel—about me.
Dr. House: You live under the delusion that you can fix everything that isn't perfect. That's why you married a man who was dying of cancer. You don't love, you need. And now that your husband is dead, you're looking for your new charity case. That's why you're going out with me. I'm twice your age, I'm not great-looking, I'm not charming; I'm not even nice. What I am is what you need. I'm damaged.

Three Stories (1.21)

Dr. House: I'm not doing it. [Walks out of Dr. Cuddy's office, pauses, turns around and comes back in.] You're supposed to stop me, renegotiate.
Dr. Cuddy: Hm. And you were supposed to keep on walking. Sorry, I guess we both screwed up. Go on, do it again.

Medical student #1: We're supposed to know how fast snakes make their venom?
Dr. House: Nope. Unless you've got a patient bit by one. Then it might be helpful.

Dr. House: Would you operate on your mother?
Medical student #2: Of course not. I'd be too nervous, couldn't be objective.
Dr. House: Then why are you so anxious to treat everyone like they were family?

Dr. House: I'm sure this goes against everything you've been taught, but right and wrong do exist. Just because you don't know what the right answer is, maybe there's even no way you could know what the right answer is, doesn't make your answer right or even okay. It's much simpler than that. It's just plain wrong.

[House is confronted by the Third Patient outside First Patient's room]
Third Patient: It hurts again.
[Cut back to the classroom]
Medical student #2: He came back again?
Dr. House: [while popping a Vicodin] On average, drug addicts are stupid.

Medical student #3: Wait, wait, wait... The guy's dying and all he cares about is his dog?
Dr. House: Any of you guys go the dog route in your improv sessions? It's a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The only variable is about what. The weird thing about telling someone they're dying is it tends to focus their priorities. You find out what matters to them. What they're willing to die for. What they're willing to lie for.

Dr. Wilson: Do you think he was dead? Do you think those experiences were real?
Dr. House: Define real. They were real experiences. What they meant... Personaly, I choose to believe that the white light people sometimes see, visions, this patient saw. They're all just chemical reactions that take place when the brain shuts down.
Dr. Foreman: You choose to believe that?
Dr. House: There's no conclusive science. My choice has no practical relevance to my life, I choose the outcome I find more comforting.
Dr. Cameron: You find it more comforting to believe that this is it?
Dr. House: I find it more comforting to believe that this isn't simply a test.

Carmen Electra: Can I put my pants back on?
Dr. House: I rather you didn't.

Dr. House: It is in the nature of medicine that you are gonna screw up. You are gonna kill someone. If you can't handle that reality, pick another profession. Or finish medical school and teach.

Dr. Cuddy: Dr. Reilly is throwing up. He obviously can't lecture.
Dr. House: You witness the spew? Or you just have his word for it? I think I'm coming down with a little bit of the clap. May have to go home for a few days.

Dr. House: I like my leg. I've had it for as long as I can remember.

Dr. House: Yeah, right. I saw the way you were looking at Carmen. She’s mine, stay away.

Dr. House:This guy is not the "World's Greatest Dad". Not even ranked. Who the hell lets their kid play with lead-based paint? No wonder the guy's always sick.

Honeymoon (1.22)

Dr. Cameron: [Coffee mug in hand, standing next to the whiteboard with one arm draped over it] Foreman! Are you going to contribute, or are you too tired from stealing cars? [Foreman and Chase stare at her] I'm being House. It's funny.
Dr. Foreman: [Deadpan] I know. You made milk come out of my nose.

Dr. Cameron: Previous tests revealed nothing that would cause abdominal pain or the mood swings.
Dr. House: Then we're done! What do you think, ball game? Zoo? I don't care, I just want to hang with you guys.

Stacy: I’m not over you. You were, you were the one, you always will be. But I can’t be with you.
Dr. House: So I’m the guy, but you want the other guy, who by definition can never be the guy.

Dr. House: Do the things, the, you know, blah blah blah blah blah, all that stuff the other docs did. If that's negative, ultrasound his belly. If that's negative, CT his abdomen and pelvis, with and without contrast. Did I miss anything?
Dr. Chase: Kitchen sink?
Dr. House: Well, we could certainly give that a... oh, you minx.

Dr. House: Yeah, sorry, that was me. I had to dope him up to get him in here. Guy doesn't think he's sick.
Dr. Cameron: Who does?
Dr. House: His wife.
Dr. Cameron: The woman you used to live with.
Dr. House: That's her Indian name. On her driver's license it's Stacy. I assume you have a point.
Dr. Cameron: You believe her over the patient himself. That's why we're taking this case.
Dr. House: The truth, I hear voices. All the time. Telling me to do stuff, it's crazy, huh?
Dr. Cameron: What happened to "everybody lies"?
Dr. House: I was lying.

Stacy: [near tears] Please, if you're right this may be his only shot.
Dr. House: So what's your plan? You take the big, dark one, I've got the little girl, and the Aussie will run like a scared wombat if things turn rough.

Dr. Cuddy: [Catching up with House in the main lobby] I want to run something by you.
Dr. House: [loudly] I will not have sex with you! Not again! Miserable, that first time. All that desperate, administrative need.

Dr. Cameron: Any family history?
Stacy: Of? Whacked-outness? His sister voted for Nader, twice. That's about it.

Dr. House: [on the phone, to Foreman] Dr. Mandingo, you're needed at the plantation house.

Dr. House: You know we should do things, throw a ball around or something. Guy stuff.
Mark: We could go for a run together.
Dr. House: OH! It's Oscar Wilde!
Stacy: Wow, this pissing contest is really turning me on.

Dr. House: Here's to women. Can't live with them, can't kill them and tell the neighbors they're stripping in Atlantic City.
Mark: Damn straight. [they chug their beers, trying to finish first]
Dr. House: I'm definitely taller.
Mark: I have more hair.

Season 2

Acceptance (2.01)

Assistant: You can't go in there.
Dr. House: Who are you? And why are you wearing a tie?
Assistant: I'm Dr. Cuddy's new assistant. Can I tell her what it's regarding?
Dr. House: Yes! I would like to know why she gets a secretary and I don't.
Assistant: I'm her assistant, not her secretary. I graduated from Rutgers.
Dr. House: Hmm... I didn't know they had a secretarial school. Well, I hope you took some classes in sexual harassment law. Does the word "ka-ching" mean anything to you? I'm going in now.

Dr. House: You met me at a strip club.
Stacy: You were the worst two dollars I ever spent.

Dr. House: Death row guy. I want the case.
Dr. Cuddy: How do you even know about him? You don't have access to the hospital's mainframe.
Dr. House: No, but "partypants" does.
Dr. Cuddy: You stole my password?
Dr. House: Hardly counts as stealing; it's a pretty obvious choice.

Dr. House: Well, I don't want to say anything bad about another doctor, especially a useless drunk.
Dr. Cuddy: You're addicted to pain pills.
Dr. House: But I'm not useless.

Dr. House: You know how they say, "you can't live without love"? Well, oxygen is even more important.

[regarding a patient on death row]
Dr. House: I have to make him all better before shipping him back for the state to kill him. Is it just me, or is that weird?

Dr. Cameron: I took an oath to do no harm.
Dr. House: Yeah, well, it's not like they made you sign it or anything.

Dr. Chase: How does an inmate on death row get his hands on heroin?
Dr. Foreman: Are you serious?
Dr. House: The man knows prisons. When we've got a yachting question, we'll come to you.

Dr. House: [closing the blinds so he can't see Stacy] What? Mommy and Daddy are having a little fight, it doesn't mean we've stopped loving you. Now, go outside and play. Get Daddy some smokes and an arterial blood gas test.

Dr. Foreman: You killed four people. Somehow, making mac and cheese just the way he wants kind of loses its significance.

Dr. Wilson: You know why people are nice to other people?
Dr. House: Oh, I know this one. Because people are good, decent and caring. Either that, or people are cowards. If I’m mean to you, you’ll be mean to me. Mutually assured destruction.

Dr. House: I know you're friends with her, but there is a code. Bros before hos, man.

Dr. House: Do I have to spell it out for you? Pheochromocytoma. Actually, I'm not sure how you spell it.

[Regarding taking on the case of a man on death row]
Dr. Foreman: Aren't there better ways to spend our time?
Dr. House: Good question. What makes a person deserving? Is a man who cheats on his wife more deserving than a man who kills his wife?
Dr. Foreman: Uh yeah. Actually, he is.
Dr. House: What about a child molester? Certainly not a good guy, but he didn't kill anybody. Maybe he can get antibiotics, but no MRIs. What about you? What medical care should you be denied for being a car thief? Tell you what: the three of you work out a list of what medical treatments a person loses based on the crime they committed. I'll review it when I get back.

Warden: Your patient shanked one inmate his first month here, broke another one's neck, nearly decapitated one of my guards.
Dr. House: Relax, I've got a great bedside manner.

Warden: Don't have a respirator.
Dr. House: Better get one in about an hour, or you're gonna lose him.
Warden: I'll make out a requisition. The state's already sentenced this man to die.
Dr. House: I think the state was a tad more specific about how.

Stacy: It was easy once I convinced the clerk to take it to Judge Markem; he's a sucker for Eighth Amendment arguments.
Dr. House: Stop, I'm getting turned on.

Dr. Cameron: A spot on an x-ray doesn't necessarily mean that she's terminal.
Dr. House: I love children. So filled with hope.

Dr. House: God, I've got to learn not to beat around the bush.

Dr. Chase: I'm against the death penalty in principle. In practice, however, watching a murderer die causes me a lot less grief than annoying my boss.

Dr. Cameron: Black defendants are ten times more likely to get a death sentence than whites.
Dr. Foreman: Doesn't mean we need to get rid of the death penalty, it just means we need to kill more white people.

Dr. House: I just don't want you working here, in my office. But anywhere else in the building is fine. It's a big hospital.
Stacy: I'm a lawyer. You're a jerk. There's gonna be some overlap.
Dr. House: God, I hope that was a euphemism.
Stacy: Cuddy just reamed me for trusting you.
Dr. House: I hope that one means what I think it means.

Dr. House: Who wants to head over to the prison and find Clarence's secret stash?
Dr. Foreman: Fine, I'll do it.
Dr. House: Great! Chase it is.
Dr. Chase: I assume you have a reason beyond wanting to make me completely miserable?
Dr. House: You've got a prettier mouth. Better chance the inmates will open up to you.

Dr. House: Why are you talking to me?
Stacy: Can't it be enough that I want to cause you pain?

Dr. Chase: No lesions, no aneurysms. Ironically, the mind of a killer looks completely normal.

Dr. Cuddy: House!
Dr. House: [Mimicking Scooby Doo] Ruh-roh.

Death Row Guy: I feel like I'm gettin' stabbed!
Dr. House: Well, he'd know.

Autopsy (2.02)

(House comes out of the elevator, sneezing. Wilson catches up with him.)

Dr. Wilson: House. Need you.
Dr. House: (nasally) Nah. Forget it, I'm going home.
Dr. Wilson: Hay fever?
Dr. House: Boy, you must be a doctor and everything.

Dr. Chase: If she's never kissed a boy, it's a fair bet she's never had sex.
Dr. House: Tell that to all the hookers that won't kiss me on the mouth.

Dr. House: And you stay away from the patient.
Dr. Cameron: What'd I do?
Dr. House: Oh well, you'd just get all warm and cuddly around the dying girl and insinuate yourself; end up in a custody battle.

Dr. House: Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?
Dr. Cuddy: Are you high?
Dr. House: If it's Tuesday, I'm wasted.
Dr. Cuddy: It's Wednesday.

Dr. Cuddy: You're actually talking about killing her.
Dr. House: Just for a little while, I'll bring her right back.
Dr. Cuddy: Oh, well, in that case go ahead. Why are we even talking?

Dr. House: Differential diagnosis. Ready, set
Dr. Foreman: Well the hallucinations...
Dr. House: Whoa! Hold on... Wait for it... And go.

Dr. Foreman: We can do that if you want to ignore what we just discussed.
Dr. House: Sounds good.

Dr. House: Union rules. I can't check out this guy's seeping gonorrhea this close to lunch.

Dr. House: The tumor is Afghanistan, the clot is Buffalo.

Dr. Foreman: Her oxygen saturation is normal.
Dr. House: It's off by one percentage point.
Dr. Foreman: It's within range. It's normal.
Dr. House: If her DNA was off by one percentage point, she'd be a dolphin.

Andie: Will you kiss me?
Dr. Chase: No.
Andie: No one will know.

Dr. House: Cancer doesn't make you special.

Dr. Chase: It was one kiss!
Dr. House: This is exactly why you can't touch my markers.

Dr. Wilson: I'm with a patient.
Dr. House: Is she dying?
Dr. Wilson: No.
Dr. House: Then she can wait.

Dr. House: [about Andie] She's such a brave girl, I want to see how brave she is when you tell her she's gonna die.
Dr. Wilson: Go to hell.

Dr. House: You see grace because you want to see grace.
Dr. Wilson: You don't see grace because you won't go anywhere near her.

Dr. House: Sore throat?
[The patient uncovers himself, revealing blood on his pants.]
Dr. House: It's not lupus. Well, not everyone can operate a zipper. Up, down, what comes next?
Patient: My new girlfriend had never been with a guy who wasn't circumcised. So she freaked, and...
Dr. House: Aha. And she wanted Rifka to feel all gemutlicht. I get it. It's a shanda.
[The patient pulls down his pants while House closes the blinds. House turns around, and recoils in horror.]
Dr. House: Ahh!
Patient: I got some boxcutters. And, um...
Dr. House: Just like Abraham did it.
Patient: I sterilized them, which I was told you're supposed to...
Dr. House: Stop talking. I'm going to get a plastic surgeon. To get the Twinkie back in the wrapper.

Dr. Foreman: We could bolt her to the table.
Dr. House: Gruesome and low-tech; kiss me, I love it.

Dr. Wilson: So, the dying girl should be nice to me?
Dr. House: When you are dying everybody loves you!
Dr. Wilson: You have a cane and nobody likes you!
Dr. House: I'm not terminal, just pathetic, and you wouldn't believe some of the crap people let me get away with.

Humpty Dumpty (2.03)

Dr. House: I'm happy to report that we are now so in sync, we're actually wearing each other's underwear.

Dr. House: If I tried a scheme like this, you'd get that nasty wrinkly face like a hyena. Very sexy, I admit.

Dr. House: Do I get bonus points if I act like I care?

[House is standing before Cuddy's front door with Foreman and Chase. They're about to break in. House grabs his credit card and holds it in the air.]
Dr. House: 20 bucks says I can get through this door in 20 seconds.
Dr. Chase: You're on.
Dr. Foreman: Count me in.
[ House looks under a garden ornament, finds a key and uses it to open the door.]

Dr. House: The good news is he won't be bitching about losing his hand if he can't breathe.

Dr. House: Might have mentioned this earlier, Doctor. Maybe we could have sent some blood cultures to the lab, instead of wasting a day indulging your self-loathing.

Dr. Foreman: I'm not breaking into my boss's house.
Dr. House: I'm your boss.
Dr. Chase: She's scarier than you are.

[Doctors House, Foreman, and Chase are about to break into Dr. Cuddy's house]
Dr. House: What do you think? Red thongs? I think red thongs.
[Inside, House examines a pinkish thong]
Dr. House: Does this count as red?

[House opens Cuddy's underwear drawer.]
Dr. House: Chase - she's got pictures of you in here. Just you, it's like some kind of weird shrine!
Dr. Chase: [coming to look] You're kidding!
Dr. House: Yeah.

Dr. Cuddy: Are you being intentionally dense?
Dr. House: [sarcastically] Huh?

Stacy: How's Cuddy doing?
Dr. House: She's not acting like Cuddy. It's a pleasure.
Stacy: You know her. She has trouble with these situations, feels personally responsible.
Dr. House: Technical term is narcissism. You can't believe everything is your fault unless you also believe you're all powerful.

Patient: I'm not buying into no racist drug, okay?
Dr. House: It's racist because it helps black people more than white people? Well, on behalf of my peeps, let me say, thanks for dying on principle for us.
Patient: Look. My heart's red; your heart's red. And it don't make no sense to give us different drugs.
Dr. House: You know, I have found a difference. Admittedly, it's a limited sample, but it's my experience based on the last ninety seconds that all black people are morons. Sorry, African-Americans.

Dr. House: You've lost perspective. You've stopped looking at this as a doctor. You're acting like someone who shoved somebody off their roof. You want to make things right? Too bad. Nothing's ever right.

Dr. House: Your guilt. It's perverse, and it makes you a crappy doctor. It also makes you okay at what you do.
Dr. Cuddy: You figure a perverted sense of guilt makes me a good boss?
Dr. House: Now, would the world be a better place if people never felt guilty? Makes sex better. [Pointing to Stacy] Should have seen her in the last months of our relationship. Lot of guilt. Lot of screaming. I know this wasn't just because it was your roof. Cuddy... you see the world as it is, and you see the world as it could be. What you don't see is what everybody else sees: the giant, gaping chasm in between.
Dr. Cuddy: House, I'm not naive. I realize—
Dr. House: If you did, you never would have hired me. You're not happy unless things are just right. Which means two things: you're a good boss, and you'll never be happy. By the way why does everyone think that you and I had sex? Think there could be something to it? [shrugs]

Dr. Chase: You're just too nasty to each other to have not been, well, nasty.
Dr. House: Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am that good.

Dr. Cuddy: You broke into my house?!
Dr. House: No, that would be wrong. I had a key.

TB or Not TB (2.04)

[Talking to a patient who has been diagnosed with a cat allergy]
Dr. House: You're allergic. We can control it with antihistamines, one pill a day.
Mandy: Pills?
Dr. House: You don't like to swallow? I'm not surprised. Forget the pills, I'll give you a nasal spray.
Mandy: Steroids? Is there something else you can give me?
Dr. House: Well, if you live by the river, I've got a bag.

Dr. Cuddy: Dr. Sebastian Charles collapsed during a presentation at Stoia Tucker.
Dr. House: Really? Crushed under the weight of his own ego?

Dr. House: The nameless poor have a face, and it's a pompous white man.

Dr. House: Welcome aboard the Good Ship Asskisser. Nice day for a sail. Pucker up, me hearties.

Dr. Cameron: He asked me out.
Dr. Chase: I'm shocked.[Cameron glares at him] I'm shocked when patients don't ask you out.
Dr. Cameron: He also asked me to come to Africa.
Dr. Chase: Boy, he moves fast.

Dr. Foreman: What's the emergency?
Dr. House: [Looking at his yo-yo] I can't remember how to do Walk the Dog.

Sebastian: [Snaps his fingers] Another person just died. Where is your outrage?
Dr. House: (watching Sebastian on tv with Wilson) [Keeps snapping] Sure, they're dying, but it's got a great beat.

Sebastian: TB's my disease.
Dr. House: You own a disease? Well I'm sorry I missed the IPO on dengue fever.

Dr. House: Take the pills or I let you die, do an autopsy, call my own press conference, and make sure the world knows that you didn't die of TB. Corporate sponsors will be disappointed, but they'll find another disease.
Sebastian: Why would you do that?
Dr. House: Because I'm just a mean son of a bitch.

Sebastian: Every minute four people die of TB.
Dr. House: Wow, how can you sleep at night?
Sebastian: There's people dying in Africa of a disease that we cured over fifty years ago...
Dr. House: Yeah, I know. I saw the concert. Seriously, let's say you sleep six hours, that means every night you kill 1440 people. I guess you gotta get some sleep, but come on, if you'd stayed up another ten minutes you could have saved forty lives. Do you send notes to the families in the morning? That's gonna take at least ten minutes, so that's another forty dead, another forty notes... why don't you go wrack yourself with guilt in your own room?

[Talking to newspeople while pointing to Sebastian]
Dr. House That is NOT TB!
[Cuts to Drs. Wilson and Foreman]
Dr. Wilson Compelling television.

[On phone to Newsweek reporter]
Dr. House: In my opinion, Dr. Sebastian Charles is an idiot! ... Yeah, you can quote me ... C-U-D-D-Y.

Dr. House: Every minute that we refuse to love one another, another puppy cries another tear.
Dr. Wilson: You're just mad that he's closer to a Nobel Prize than you are.
Dr. House: And yet I've nailed more Swedish babes. Crazy, crazy world.
Dr. Wilson: It's not just the trip to Stockholm, you know. It comes with a cash prize.
Dr. House: Seriously? No wonder everybody is going after that peace thing.
Dr. House: Nobel Invented dynamite, I won't accept his blood money.

Dr. House: There's an evolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our family and friends. And there's an evolutionary imperative why we don't give a crap about anybody else. If we loved all people indiscriminately, we couldn't function.
Dr. Foreman: Hmmm. So, the great humanitarian's as selfish as the rest of us.
Dr. House: Just not as honest about it.

Sebastian: (about House) What he just did -
Dr. Foreman: Abusive and unprofessional. But if he hadn't done it, we wouldn't have seen the problem.

Sebastian: I think doctors like House cling to objectivity like a three-year-old to a blanket: don't get too worked up, stay calm, stay cool, and maintain that correct perspective. The only flaw in their argument is, when you have millions of people dying, the correct perspective is to be yelling at the top of your lungs.

Dr. House: He's not even a real doctor; he's a human telethon.
Dr. Wilson: Is that your problem with him? You see hypocrites every day. Why is this guy so special?
Dr. House: You think I have a hypocritical attitude to hypocrisy? The problem is there are 26 letters in the alphabet, and he only uses two of them. He treats thousands of patients with one diagnosis. He knows the answer going in. It's cheating.

Dr. House: You are as big a media whore as he is.
Dr. Cuddy: Of course I am. It couldn't possibly be that I think he's right, and I'd like to be a small part of what he's doing.
Dr. House: Oh, whores can like the sex. Doesn't mean they're not whores.

Dr. House: You want third-world treatment? [Turns up the thermostat] You got it. Boy, is it hot in here!
Dr. Cameron: What are you doing?
Dr. House: What am I doing? [He knocks Sebastian's things onto the floor] Putting everything on the floor of the hut. Uh oh, wicked magic box with the moving pictures!
Dr. Cameron: You think he's a hypocrite?
Dr. House: [Unplugging the TV] Hypocrite? No, everyone in Africa's got cell phones or running water. [He has dropped Sebastian's cell phone in the toilet] This thing just will not flush.
Sebastian: Do you really think that if you come in here and make it a little hot, make it smell a little, that I'm just going to fold and abandon everything that matters to me?
Dr. House: [Wiping his cane on Sebastian's blanket] Lousy sanitation over there, too. You are not the same as them; your life is not the same. And you are cheapening everything they're going through by pretending you are.

Dr. House: Do you notice how all the self-sacrificing women in history; Joan of Arc, Mother Theresa, can't think of any others; they all die alone. The men, on the other hand, get so much fuzz, it's crazy.

Dr. Foreman: Good? This is bizarre.
Dr. House: Bizarre is good! Common has hundreds of explanations. Bizarre has hardly any.

Dr. Foreman: We can't avoid her forever.
Dr. House: Eventually she'll die... You sure she doesn't have breast cancer?

Dr. House: I saved his life. I should get credit for every life he saves from now.
Dr. Wilson: I'll make sure Stockholm knows.

Spin (2.06)

Dr. House: You know our relationship was way better when we were sleeping together. Why'd we stop doing that? Did you get married?
Stacy: Yeah. Otherwise I'd be on ya like red on rice.
Dr. House: But rice isn't- ohhhhhhh, I get it!

Dr. House: You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a.... I can't think of a non-sexual metaphor.

Dr. House: What makes a guy start drooling? Chase, were you wearing your short shorts?

Dr. Chase: You were right.
Dr. House: Now there went three wasted words.

Dr. House: [to Dr. Chase] I love when you do both sides of the conversation. It's like white noise; it's very peaceful.

Dr. Cameron: It's kind of a long shot.
Dr. House: Yeah, but it's been over an hour since we poked the patient with something sharp. Get him a lumbar puncture.

Dr. House: You are healed. [sticks the patient in the thigh] Rise and walk.
Jeff: Are you insane?
Dr. House: In the Bible, they just say, "Yes, Lord" and start on in with the praising.
Jeff: First you tell me I've got cancer. Then you tell me that my manager... (Jeff realizes he can move his arms) What did you do?
Dr. House: What did you do, Lord?

Dr. House: [after injecting the cyclist] Tensilon erases the symptoms of MG for five or six minutes. [patient falls to the ground] Sometimes less. This is exactly why I created nurses. [yells out the door] Cleanup on aisle three!

Stacy: We need to talk.
Dr. House: Oh, God. Are you pregnant? 'Cause I really wanna finish high school.

Dr. House: She [Stacy] can't handle working with me.
Dr. Cuddy: Oh, right, yeah, she's still got a thing for you, making it impossible for her to deal, makes perfect sense. Except for the pronouns!

Jeff: I do straight blood doping.
Dr. Cuddy: Plot twist!
Dr. House: That's a very daring confession.
Manager: We've got confidentiality, right?
Dr. House: Assuming I'm more ethical than your client.

Dr. House: The air is keeping him from breathing air. Let's go with that for the irony.

Dr. Foreman: With all due respect, man, I doubt there's anything wrong with you that you didn't do to yourself.

Dr. Chase: Micky Mantle was an alcoholic.
Dr. Cameron: At least he had his own home runs. He didn't physically alter himself.
Dr. Chase: We take drugs to help us fall asleep, stay awake—
Dr. Cameron: We don't make careers out of who can stay awake the longest!
Dr. Chase: Really? Ever been to, oh, I don't know, med school?
Dr. Foreman: Er, guys? He plays a game for a living. Who cares?

Dr. House: How's your recovery going? Gotten around to the small muscles yet?
Mark: It's not the size of the muscle; it's where you get to put it.
Stacy: My goodness, it's like watching Oscar Wilde and Noel Coward in the third grade.

Dr. Wilson: How's your biker?
Dr. House: Pumped an air bubble into a vein in his lung.
Dr. Wilson: The things people do! Doping! Vicodin!
Dr. House: Hey! You're talking about me aren't you!

Dr. Wilson: Mark is in group therapy for people coping with disability. He was thinking about developing a drug addiction, but that would be stupid.
Dr. House: Hey, you're... [House gestures back and forth between Wilson and himself] Ohhh, you again!

Dr. Wilson: He's made a mistake. Revealing the truth doesn't undo it.
Dr. Cameron: Kids love him, and he's not who they think he is. It's not right.
Dr. Wilson: Who cares if he's what he says he is? Who the hell is? If love's based on lies, does that mean it's not a real feeling? Doesn't it bring the same pleasure?
Dr. Cameron: Are we still talking about the patient?
Dr. Wilson: Have you.... ever cheated? Well, I have. You wanna punish him, good for you; but you can't do it without punishing the people who love him.
Dr. Cameron: Is that how you justified lying to your wives?
Dr. Wilson: I always told them.

Dr. Chase: There's no way PRCA could manifest so suddenly.
Dr. Cameron: Unless it's drug-induced. He's lying about not being on EPO?
Dr. House: Why would he lie?
Dr. Cameron: What does it matter?
Dr. House: People lie for thousands of reasons, but there's always a reason.
Dr. Foreman: Philosophically interesting, medically irrelevant.
Dr. House: Unless he's not lying.

Manager: Okay, I should have told you. It's not just about the races, Jeff; it's about your image, okay? If you come back from cancer, those sponsors will be all over you. Okay, so I messed up okay, but I did not give you EPO!
Jeff: That stuff could kill me.
Dr. House: Come on, give her a break. She's only doing what she has to to advance her career. Don't you have that tattooed on your tushie?

Dr. House: [makes a dramatic gesture with the stirring stick] Go forth and scan his neck.
Dr. Chase: His neck?
Dr. House: Or repeat everything I say in question form.

Dr. Cameron: After this let's scan some other totally random body parts.
Dr. Chase: 50 bucks says we find something.
Dr. Foreman: Find what?
Dr. Chase: Don't have a clue. We on?
Dr. Foreman: No way.
Dr. Chase: (turns to see if Cameron is up to it)
Dr. Cameron: No. We'll find something.

Dr. House: She came into the clinic and yelled at me. Then she left. Then she came back and yelled some more.
Dr. Wilson: Hmm. Yelling. That might be a clue.
Dr. House: I know what the yelling means, it's the coming and going I find interesting. It's not rational.
Dr. Wilson: Anger's not rational.
Dr. House: Some anger is. She could have pulled me aside, screamed at me privately. Her beef is simple and well-founded. She was out of control.
Dr. Wilson: You're having fun aren't you?
Dr. House: She's in my face, I need to know why.
Dr. Wilson: Professional reasons.
Dr. House: Oh, why else?
Dr. Wilson: Do you really think this is going to end well, for anyone?

Dr. House: I want to apologize. Maybe I've been punishing you for a little too long. And maybe you've been punishing me. If we're going to work together, I need to know: Do you hate me? Or do you love me? Either way, I think we've got a problem.
Stacy: I hate you. And I love you. And I love Mark.
Dr. House: You don't hate him?
Stacy: No.
Dr. House: So what do we do?
Stacy: We deal with each other.
Dr. House: Right. That plan's been working great so far.
Stacy: It'll get better, it'll get easier.
Dr. House: Why?
Stacy: I don't know, it's what my therapist tells me.
[House walks out of the room giving a briefly smug little smile once he's closed the door]

Dr. Cameron: I fell in love with my husband's best friend. Near the end I was at the hospital every day and Joe would come by after work, and go for walks, and trying to talk each other through it. We just clung to each other.
Dr. Wilson: My wife wasn't dying, she wasn't even sick - everything was fine. I met someone who made me feel funny. Good. And I didn't wanna let that feeling go. What happened to you? How can anyone go through that alone? You can't control your emotions.
Dr. Cameron: No, just your actions.
Dr. Wilson: You didn't do it, did you. You didn't sleep with him?
Dr. Cameron: I couldn't have lived with myself.
Dr. Wilson: You'd be surprised what you can live with.

Dr. House: I had therapy here this morning and left my cane.
Janitor: Sorry.
Dr. House: Dude. I'm crippled.
[Janitor pauses, then unlocks the door]

Patient: I usually sleep in a hyperbaric chamber. I've been pumping up electrolytes with an IV drip, and I take herbal anabolic steroids, amphetamines, and diuretics...
Dr. House: Yeah-yeah-yeah... but why would you be sick?
Patient: I know blood doping has its risks, I know its outside the rules but I do what I have to to kick ass at my job. Don't you?
Dr. Cuddy: Dr. House is a firm believer in good, old-fashion hard work.
[House pops a Vicodin]

Hunting (2.07)

Dr. Wilson: (To House) Trying to win Stacy back by killing an animal...very caveman.

Dr. House: Now let go of my cane before it becomes your new boyfriend.
Kalvin: Honey, I will marry it if you would look at my file.
Dr. House: Congress says you can't, so...

Dr. House: Just 'cause he says I hit him doesn't make it true. Watch. [Shouts to the heavens] I am surrounded by naked cheerleaders! [Nothing happens] See?

Dr. House: Steve McQueen without hair? It's a blessing he died young.

Dr. House: Steve McQueen does not run from danger.

Dr. House: I am not treating you.
Kalvin: What, because you're a closet case?
Dr. Wilson: Er... we're not together.
Dr. House: He is so self-loathing.

[Dr. House is with Stacy in her house when Mark enters the room.]
Mark: What's going on?
Dr. House: It's not what you think. I know it looks like we're cleaning dishes, but actually, we're having sex.

Dr. Foreman: Have you read his file?
Dr. House: I started, but I found the characters two-dimensional.

Dr. Wilson: If you want her back, either tell her, or, better yet, shut up and cry yourself to sleep like everybody else.

Dr. Cameron: I love my job.
Kalvin: Really? You seem more the "find it exceptionally satisfying" type.

Dr. Cameron: I have fun.
Dr. Chase: Yeah, she's got some scheduled for February.

Dr. Chase: Pre-World War II fluorescent bulbs contained large amounts of beryllium. Beryllium dust inflames the lungs, they get rigid, patient can't breathe. [Dr. House gives him a questioning look] My father co-authored a paper on acute berylliosis.
Dr. House: Phew! For a moment there I thought you were smart.

Kalvin: [To Dr. Cameron] Oh, would you stop being nice? It's useless, and worse, it's boring.

Dr. House: He thought he was dying. Dying people lie, too. Wish they'd worked less, they'd been nicer, they'd opened orphanages for kittens. If you really want to do something, you do it, you don't save it for sound byte.

Dr. Chase: Last night probably shouldn't happen again.
Dr. Cameron: Do you think I want it to?
Dr. Chase: When two people have had sex, unless it sucks, if they can do it again, they're gonna do it again. And that's when things get complicated. And it didn't suck.

Dr. Wilson: So now you've got to drum up another excuse to be around the love of your life. Could hit another patient.
Dr. House: Nah, don't like to repeat myself. People will say I'm formulaic.

Dr. House: It was self-defense.
Dr. Cuddy: You baited him.
Dr. House: You're right. I was asking for it. The low-cut blouse, the "Do me" pumps...

Stacy: This whole time you've been manipulating me?
Dr. House: You knew I had an angle the moment I poured soap onto a scrub brush.

Dr. Cameron: So you always use a condom?
Dr. Foreman: Uhhh, yeah.
Dr. House: Brother's on the down low... got to.
Dr. Foreman: I'm not ready for any Foreman juniors yet.
Dr. Cameron: [to House] You?
Dr. House: Working girls - they're sticklers. You're not going to poll Chase?
Dr. Chase: I'm not an idiot.
Dr. House: Obviously not. Who doesn't sleep with a drugged-out colleague when they have a chance?

Dr. House: It's okay, she's not here, you can skip the nice guy act.
Dr. Foreman: You know, some human beings are actually capable of human feelings.

Dr. House: Steve's infection is not contagious to humans. I'm an idiot. How did I miss micoplasmosis? Was that the kid's father?
Dr. Wilson: Yeah. Remember the Black Death? Started with rats.
Dr. House: What's he doing in the hallway? The kid getting his biopsy already?
Dr. Wilson: He just won't go in the room. Who knows what else he has - parasites? Bacterial infection?
Dr. House: Kid doesn't have parasites.
Dr. Wilson: Not the kid, the rat!
Dr. House: Was he still sweating?
Dr. Wilson: Rats only sweat through their tails.
Dr. House: Not the rat, the dad!

The Mistake (2.08)

Kayla (Mother): If Sally's mean to you, I'll just key her father's new convertible.

Stacy: If Chase screwed up so badly, why didn't you fire him?
Dr. House: He has great hair.
Stacy: What are you hiding?
Dr. House: I'm gay. Oh! That's not what you meant. It does explain a lot, though: no girlfriend, always with Wilson, obsession with sneakers...

Dr. House: And for the record, you are the worst transplant surgeon in the hospital. But, unfortunately, you are the only one who's currently cheating on his wife.

Sam: She got hep from me, didn't she?
Dr. House: No! No, no, no, God, no! I think she got cancer from you.

Stacy: That's how you tell this guy he's dying?
Dr. House: Oh, relax. He's got a cold, and, soon, health insurance.
Stacy: Such a hero. Always righting wrongs. Who cares who you have to manipulate?
Dr. House: I'm sorry. I didn't realize you and Buck were so close.

Dr. Chase: [To Stacy] Let's make a deal. I won't use the word "honestly," and you'll quit stopping by to see House so you don't take it out on me afterwards, how about that?

Dr. House: One caveat: I've moved past threesomes. I'm now into foursomes. If someone backs out, then you've still got a threesome. If two people back out, you're still having sex. You'd be amazed. Even if three people—

Dr. House: She's overreacting.
Dr. Wilson: You snuck into her shrink's office and read her private file. When Nixon did that, he got impeached.
Dr. House: So you're saying I'm not allowed to have oral sex with an intern either?

Dr. House: [About Stacy] She protects Chase, she protects me.
Dr. Wilson: Unless her advice to Chase is to make a deal and give you up. [In a bad Australian accent] "I'm so sorry, if only Dr House had paid attention... he'd never even met her; he never does."
Dr. House: Chase loves me. And isn't Turkish.
Dr. Wilson: Cameron loves you. Chase loves his job.

Stacy: Yeah. Why did Chase screw up?
Dr. Foreman: Because he doesn't give a crap about patients.
Stacy: Well, he always gets positive patient reviews.
Dr. Foreman: Yeah. He smiles all 84 of his teeth, tells them his tonsil story.
Stacy: It's a nice story.
Dr. Foreman: He still has his tonsils. As soon as he's out of the room, which is as soon as he can be out of the room, he starts in on the trash talk. Thinks not giving a crap makes him like House. Like something to aspire to.

Dr. Chase: It was a minor mistake; I couldn't have known it was going to happen—
Dr. House: Mistakes are as serious as the results they cause!

Dr. House: You know what's really killing her? Chase forgot to ask a standard question about stomach pain, so he missed the diagnosis, so she perforated, so she got sepsis, so her BP tanks, so she got blood clots, so she lost her liver. Livers are important, Cuddy. Can't live without them, hence the name. And here's the big issue: Chase is a hospital employee, and Kayla is the sympathetic mother of those two jury-friendly moppets Caleb and Cody.
Dr. Chase: Dory and Nicky.
Dr. Cuddy: Your point, beyond just trying to make Chase wet himself, seems to be that the hospital faces liability here. Well, thanks for clearing that up. I still need a medical reason to list her.
Dr. House: That is a medical reason! The family wins this hospital in a lawsuit, they'll turn it into condos. And people will die waiting outside a condo for medical care.

Dr. House: The hospital lawyer asks me if I did something unethical. If I did, the last person I tell is the hospital lawyer, especially since she's gone all Old Testament on me.

Dr. House: I'm not the one being sued. I feel funny.

Stacy: [Interrupting a flashback] Don't care about the Vicodin. [Vicodin disappears with a pop]

Transplant Doc: What's this?
Dr. House: Five grand. And thats just ante money; you'll get another fifteen after the surgery.
Transplant Doc: [Laughs] I make six hundred-thousand dollars a year. You think I'm going to risk tanking my percentages for a measily twenty thousand?!
Dr. House: Fine. Keeps me from welsching on the other fifteen grand I would have owed you. However, you will do the surgery or I'll tell your wife you've been having an affair with a series of nurses, currently Nurse Cutler in Radiology. Now lets see... what's six hundred-thousand divided by two???

Deception (2.09)

Dr. House: Chase killed that woman, now Foreman's in charge?
Dr. Cuddy: Yeah, we have a pecking order here, if Cameron kills somebody, Chase takes over. There's a flow chart in the lobby.

Anica: You know, I was gonna ask what a respectable doctor was doing at an OTB parlor; somehow that question doesn't seem relevant anymore.
Dr. House: What's your excuse?
Anica: Turns me on.
Dr. House: Yeah, what else turns you on? Drugs? Casual sex? Rough sex? Casual rough sex? I'm a doctor; I need to know.

Dr. House: Work smart, not hard. That's my philosophy, boss.

Dr. House: [While deliberately sabotaging a lumbar puncture] Eighth time's the charm.

Dr. Cameron: That's the irony of women in charge, they don't like other women in charge.

Dr. Foreman: What do you expect me to do, House? Quit? Cry?
Dr. House: Actually, I expect you to act like what you are - my employee, my subordinate ... my bitch.

Dr. House: [To a patient who's been using strawberry jelly as a spermicide, and got an infection from it] You probably shouldn't have sex for a while.
Patient: For how long?
Dr. House: On an evolutionary basis, I'd recommend... forever.

Dr. House: Yeah, well, being hospitalized a lot certainly points to nothing being wrong with you.

Dr. Cameron: How would you describe my leadership skills?
Dr. House: Nonexistent. Otherwise excellent.

Dr. Cameron: [While searching Anica's house] She's got an appointment with her opthamologist on Tuesday and an appointment with her gynecologist on Thursday. Multiple appointments with multiple doctors... symptom of Munchausen's.
Dr. House: Or - just thinking outside the box here - she has a vagina and trouble reading.

Dr. House: At the end of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf," the wolf really does come. And he eats the sheep... and the boy... and his parents.
Dr. Chase: The wolf doesn't eat the parents!
Dr. House: It does when I tell it.

Dr. House: Sorry, I missed that. Hearing's been off since the Ricky Martin concert—some cholo kicked me in the head.

Dr. House: Labs, schmabs. A good diagnostician reads between the labs.

Dr. Foreman: Yeah, you're all about the nurturing.
Dr. House: You need a hug?

Dr. Foreman: Do you think there's any way House would take me seriously as his boss?
Dr. Wilson: Where is this coming from? Did Cuddy say something?
Dr. Foreman: We talked. She intimated.
Dr. Wilson: And you want my advice on how to usurp him? It's very ancient Rome: you'll need a toga, and of course, a sword.

Dr. Foreman: You were right.
Dr. House: Hey hey hey, we're not here to play the blame game. These things happen. Sometimes doctors send people out on the street to die after other doctors warned them that they were sending them out on the street to die. There's no way you could know.

Dr. House: Nice move, boss. Way to cover your ass.
Dr. Foreman: I just agreed with you.
Dr. House: Not because you think I'm right. You're just taking the safe route. You're a wuss. Don't worry, your secret is safe with me.
[leaves his office]
Dr. House: Wilson! Guess what Foreman just did!

Failure to Communicate (2.10)

Dr. Wilson: Do you know your phone is dead? Do you ever recharge the batteries?
Dr. House: They recharge? I just keep buying new phones.

Stacy: Our relationship is like an addiction. It's... like...
Dr. House: Really good drugs?
Stacy: No, it's like... vindaloo curry.
Dr. House: Okay, sure...
Stacy: Really, really hot Indian curry they make with red chili peppers.
Dr. House: I know what it is! Didn't think it was addictive.
Stacy: You're abrasive and annoying and come on way too strong, like... vindaloo curry. When you're crazy about curry, that's fine, but, no matter how much you love curry, you have too much of it, it takes the roof of your mouth off. And then you never want to see curry for a really, really long time, but you wake up one day, and you think... God, I really miss curry.

Dr. Foreman: Why'd you put me in charge of the department if you think I can't handle it?
Dr. Cuddy: Because it's temporary, and because I was ordered to.

Dr. House: We've been over this.
Stacy: If I thought you were capable of listening, I'd shut up.
Dr. House: That makes no sense at all.

Dr. House: MRI show anything?
Dr. Foreman: CT scan was negative.
Dr. House: CT... that's like, short for MRI, right? Excellent, well I guess that saves us a lot of time.
Dr. Chase: We've got an MRI scheduled in twenty minutes. Earliest Foreman could get the machine.
Dr. House: I teach you to lie and cheat and steal...and as soon as my back is turned, you wait in line?

Dr. Chase: What happened to the Foreman who always has an answer? The guy who practically wears a sign saying "I'm as good as House, but I'm nicer."

Stacy: At least this time I recognize it. That's the bitter bit of convincing the two men you ever loved they're better off without you.
Dr. House: Yeah, it's all your fault. You know, "Stacy" in the original Greek means "relationship killer."

Dr. Wilson: [about the patient] Cameron's got him on dialysis and he's stable for the moment, unlike Cuddy, who's suicidal.

Dr. House: Either you've decided to do a lumbar puncture, or you have to fire me so that I can't fire all of you, as soon as I get back in charge.

Dr. House: They can handle it.
Dr. Cuddy: Right. So far only three organ systems have failed.
Dr. House: Okay, they can't. Doesn't matter; guy's not stable enough to move. So go rant in your own office.

Dr. Cuddy: Tell me..if it is your AIM to sell me the same crazy ideas as House does, how are you an improvement on House?
Dr. Foreman: I...brought you a coffee?

Dr. House: Two people who weren't meant to be together. Maybe they'll get a happy ending just because they both want it so much.
Stacy: Yeah, that's usually the way it works.

Dr. Foreman: In one of [Fletch's] books he talked about giving up drugs and alcohol. Said how it changed his life.
Dr. Chase: [imitating House] Everybody lies.

Stacy: We had a fight and I stormed out without my make-up or cross. I stopped at the drug store and got some new make-up, but I didn't get a cross because they don't have an aisle for personal talismans!

Dr. Cameron: What does House say?
Dr. Foreman: "The person you are trying to reach is out of the area or has turned off their phone."

Need to Know (2.11)

Dr. House: Wow. It's a big jump from "infidelity is morally wrong" to "do her."

Dr. House: Mommy does everything for her family these days. Even swallows their pills.

Dr. House: Cameron, I love you.
[Cameron's jaw drops. House swabs her mouth.]
Dr. House: Get your test result tomorrow.

Dr. House: [knocking on Wilson's office door] I know you're in there! I can hear you caring!

Stella: What's wrong with your foot?
Dr. House: War wound.
Stella: Does it hurt?
Dr. House: Every day.
Stella: Is that why you're so sad?
Dr. House: [pause] Oh, aren't you adorable? I'm not sad, I'm complicated. Chicks dig that.

Dr. House: [Regarding a patient's treatment] Why don't you take it up with Stacy? See which option minimizes your risk.
Dr. Cuddy: Here's what I think she's going to say. [Imitating Stacy's accent] Oh, I loooove Greg! But if you go against the patient's wishes, you're calling her a liar. And if something goes wrong, I end up in court, having to defend the big mean doctor (albeit with dreamy eyes) who wouldn't believe the nice suburban mom. And even though his cane makes me melt, do the damn surgery.

Dr. Cuddy: (House walks in to the hospital; she's baffled) He's actually... on time.
Dr. Wilson: (looking at his watch) He's six minutes early!
Dr. Cuddy: Something happened.
Dr. Wilson: I'm on it. (walks over to him)
Dr. House: Morning, Jimmy! Anybody die while I was gone?
Dr. Wilson: (amazed) Did... Did you iron your shirt?
Dr. House: I thought about shaving, but I couldn't find a razor.
Dr. Wilson: What the hell happened in Baltimore?!
Dr. House: Sorry. Never kiss and tell.
Dr. Wilson: I think you just did.

Stacey: I want not to love Mark, I want to hate you, I want all of this to be simple. But it's not.
Dr. House: You can either have a life with me or you can have a life with him. It can't be both. It's not easy, but it is simple.

Dr. Chase: Millions of women are on fertility treatments, and they don't get cancer.
Dr. House: Right. They get babies. She had a blood clot and a stroke. She'll get another one and probably die if we don't find that tumor. Do an endometrial biopsy.
Dr. Foreman: Biopsy's painful and unnecessary. We just did an ultrasound.
[House squints and looks at his watch]
Dr. Foreman: What?
Dr. House: Shh.
Dr. Cameron: If you have a personal issue that's interfering with...
Dr. House: [inturrupts] Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Dr. Foreman: What are we waiting for?
Dr. House: Your four weeks just expired. Your reign of terror is over. Mine has just begun. Now go stick a needle up her hoo-hoo and find that cancer.
[goes into his office, while Foreman shakes his head and smiles]
Dr. Chase: [confused] Hoo-hoo?
Dr. Foreman: [As if it's an explanation] He went to Hopkins.

[House hands Cameron a sealed envelope, which she assumes is her HIV test results]
Dr. House: Knowing is always better than not knowing.
[Cameron opens the envelope and reads the letter]
Dr. Cameron: It's a referral request.
Dr. House: [holds up an open envelope] Right. HIV thing came in earlier. You're fine.
Dr. Cameron: [incensed] You won't read your mail, but you'll open mine?
Dr. House: It said confidential. I wanted to know.
Dr. Cameron: The most important letter of my life, and you're still an ass.
Dr. House: Comforting, isn't it?
[she exits]

Stacey: What was Greg like after I left?
Dr. Cuddy: Er, an egomaniacal, narcissistic pain in the ass — same as before you left.

Dr. Foreman: Hypervigilance, sudden irritability...
Dr. House: Symptomatic of...lunch with Cuddy?

Dr. Wilson: You don't like yourself. But you do admire yourself. It's all you've got so you cling to it. You're so afraid if you change, you'll lose what makes you special.
Dr. Wilson: Being miserable doesn't make you better than anybody else, House. It just makes you miserable.
[Wilson and House look at each other. Wilson exits]

Distractions (2.12)

Dr. Cameron: What are you looking for?
Dr. House: Same as you. Love, acceptance, a solid return on investment.

Dr. Weber: Do I know you?
Dr. House: I know your math skills...they blow
Dr. Wilson: Touché.

Dr. Weber: I know...I know you.
Dr. House: Sure you do, Dick.
Dr. Weber: The name's Philip.
Dr. House: My bad. Something to do with your face - I always think your name is Dick.
Dr. Weber: HOUSE?!
Dr. House: Here.

Dr. Weber: You can't test anything on an abnormal brain.
Dr. House: That's so closed-minded. He's not "abnormal", he's special.

Dr. Cameron: Could pain medication cause an orgasm?
Dr. House: I wish.

Dr. Cameron: His brain is like a waiter that's got too many...
Dr. House: Hey! I do the metaphors!

Dr. House: Bad news: Your son has a filthy, unhealthy habit. Good news: He's trying to quit. Bad news: It's killing him. Good news: I can cure him. Bad news: [thinks] Nope, that's it.

Dr. House: [to a prostitute] I'm looking for a distraction. You don't need to talk to do that, do you?

Skin Deep (2.13)

Dr. Wilson: How'd you get here?
Dr. House: By osmosis.

Dr. Cuddy: Teenage supermodel. Presented with double-vision, sudden aggressive behavior, cataplexy—
Dr. House: You had me at "teenage supermodel."

Dr. Cameron: We're mandated to report sexual abuse.
Dr. House: Is it okay if I save her life first or do you want to make sure daddy doesn't get visitation rights to the grave site?

Alex: I was passed out but I wasn't. I, I knew what was going on but I couldn't move or talk.
Dr. House: Yeah, sounds like a medical thing. It's called cataplexy. Catfight and cataplexy on the catwalk. Cool.

Dr. House: She's a fashion model, on the cover of magazines. [They] hold her up as a sexual ideal. The law says we can't touch her for three more years. How hypocritical is that?

Dr. Foreman: There's no age limit on addiction.
Dr. House: [taking a Vicodin] He's right.

George: I haven't slept in weeks, because my teeth hurt. Dentist couldn't find any cavities. And I'm getting these headaches.
Dr. House: Ohhhhh, poor you.
George: I think I'm going crazy. And my stomach. I roll out of bed, and I wanna puke.
Dr. House: I take it you're married.
George: [Showing House a ring] You must be psychic.
Dr. House: You must be witty. When's she due?
George: How'd you know she—
Dr. House: 'Cause I'm doing her! You've got Couvade Syndrome, which is just a fancy way of saying you should stop whining. Millions of women have got the same thing. They're not bugging me.

Dr. Foreman: Why would your mind go to abuse so fast?
Dr. House: I had a funny uncle.
Dr. Foreman: You were abused?
Dr. House: What? No. Why'd your mind go to that so fast. I just had a funny uncle. Great stories, always filthy.

Dr. House: You've got male pseudo-hermaphroditism. See, we all start out as girls, and then we're differentiated based on our genes. The ovaries develop into testes and drop. But in about one in 150 thousand pregnancies, a fetus with an 'XY' chromosome, a boy, develops into something else, like you; your testes never descended. Because you're immune to testosterone, you're pure estrogen, which is why you had heightened female characteristics—clear skin, great breasts. The ultimate woman is a man. Nature is cruel, huh?
Father: This is obviously a joke. This is ... it's impossible.
Dr. House: No, a joke would be me calling you a homo. See the difference? I'll schedule him for surgery.

Dr. House: Put your clothes back on. I'm going to cut your balls off, and then you'll be fine.

[Dr. Wilson is examining Dr. House's leg with the MRI]
Dr. Wilson: [gruff disguised voice] House, this is God.
Dr. House: [in MRI chamber] Look, I'm a little busy right now. Not supposed to talk during these things. Got time Thursday?
Dr. Wilson: Let me check. Oh! I got a plague. What about Friday?
Dr. House: You'll have to check with Cameron.
Dr. Wilson: Oh! Damn it! She always wants to know why bad things happen. Like I'm gonna come up with a new answer this time.
[Cuddy bursts in]
Dr. Cuddy: House...
Dr. House: Quick, God, smite the evil witch! [Wilson wisely says nothing]
Dr. Cuddy: Are you sitting on evidence that your patient was sexually abused by her father?
Dr. House: God, why have you forsaken me?

[Wilson is telling House that his leg pain is a result of Stacy leaving. House smacks Wilson in the shin with his cane.]
Dr. House: Aw, you miss Stacy too?

[Discussing whether a patient's breasts are real or fake]
Dr. House: [to Chase] I'll bet you two clinic hours those love apples are hand-crafted by God!
Dr. Foreman: I thought you didn't believe in God.
Dr. House: I do now.

[In the lab, discussing whether the patient had sex with her father]
Dr. House: PTSD. Get her a psych referral and pack her bags. He did her.
Dr. Cameron: Don’t think so.
Dr. House: Daddy thinks so. Could be mistaken, said he was drunk, could be some other daughter.

Sex Kills (2.14)

Henry: We just happened to be at the same Italian cheese tasting... thing.
Dr. House: Cheese is the Devil's plaything.

Dr. House: We're going to cure her.
Dr. Cameron: We're going to cure death?
Dr. House: [like a mad scientist] Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha! [normal voice] Doubt it.

Dr. House: Norwegian chocolate. Frankly, you buy that stuff, the terrorists win.

Henry: [about his daughter] I had sex with her mom.
Dr. House: I think she knows that happened already.

Dr. Cameron: His right testicle is almost twice as big as his left.
Dr. House: Cool!

Dr. Cuddy: Don't you think this is a little manipulative?
Dr. House: No, I think it's hugely manipulative.

Dr. House: [spots Wilson talking to a nurse] Wilson! How long can you go without sex?
Dr. Wilson: How long can you go without annoying people?
Dr. House: No seriously, a week? A month?
Dr. Wilson: I'm not having an affair.

Henry: I assume you've been in love?
Dr. House: Is that the one that makes your pants feel funny?

Dr. House: When guys have brain/crotch problems, it's usually the result of using one too much and the other too little.

Dr. House: So I have to wonder what could be more humiliating than someone calling your girlfriend a cow and not being metaphorical?

Dr. Cameron: She's positive for gonorrhea.
Dr. House: I think that's the first time those words have been uttered in joy.

Dr. Cameron: I thought we were wearing the wrong shoes for cancer.
Dr. House: We're wearing the wrong shoes for testicular cancer. They're perfect for lymphoma. Except Chase's—they're just goofy.

Dr. House: [About a comatose woman] She's a fridge with a power out. You start poking around inside, the vegetable goes bad. No offense.

Dr. House: Key to a long life—exotic women, boring cheese.

Dr. House: Make love, not belts.

[Wilson is buying a box of chocolates]
Dr. House: Who's the lucky woman?
Dr. Wilson: My wife.
Dr. House: I don't want to know who gets the chocolates. I want to know who you're having the affair with.

Clueless (2.15)

Dr. House: You blow dry your hair?
Dr. Wilson: Oh sorry, did I wake you up?
Dr. House: You blow dry your hair?
Dr. Wilson: Excuse me for actually caring what I look like.
Dr. House: I think the word you're looking for is obsessing!

Dr. House: Awesome. A sex fiend with a swollen tongue. Just think of all the places I can make Foreman search.

Dr. Cameron: His wife arranged it for an anniversary present. And if you ask me, if two people really trust each other, a threesome once every seven years might actually help a marriage.
[Everyone looks stunned.]
Dr. House: Okay, I say we stop the DDX and discuss that comment.

Dr. House: Lungs, skin... skin, lungs... Sklungs?

Dr. Wilson: Don't you ever eat anything besides canned soup and peanut butter?
Dr. House: Don't you ever eat anything that doesn't look like it's been rolled onto your plate by a dung beetle?

Dr. Wilson: Now, why do you have a season pass to The New Yankee Workshop?
Dr. House: It's a complete moron working with power tools—how much more suspenseful can you get?

Woman: [Marches up to Dr. Cuddy and annouces, without preface] I am not having an affair with my daughter's karate instructor, and I did not give my husband herpes.
Dr. Cuddy: [Grabs a passing nurse] Go find out where House is.

Dr. House: Where is she?
Dr. Cameron: She had to go to the bathroom.
Dr. House: I told you not to let her.
Dr. Cameron: What was I supposed to do, tie her up?
Dr. House: Why not? She likes that.

Dr. Cameron: He's gonna need a lung transplant...
Dr. House: He's becoming more attractive by the minute, isn't he?
Dr. Cameron You're pleased...You think you've proved every marriage is a mistake.
Dr. House: Do I look pleased?
Dr. Cameron: Ignorance is bliss.

Dr. House: [to Dr. Wilson] Why do you wanna sleep on a couch anyway? You got money. At least until the divorce is finalized.

Safe (2.16)

Dr. Wilson: Cuddy called.
Dr. House: I know. Saw the caller ID.
Dr. Wilson: Young girl, anaphylactic shock.
Dr. House: You answered?
Dr. Wilson: Turns out that's what stops the ringing.

Dr. Cameron: Why does she have a clean room in her home?
Dr. House: Heart transplant— immune system's in the toilet. Mommy builds her little angel a John Travolta-quality bubble.
Dr. Foreman: Six months after the transplant, she doesn't need to be confined to a clean room.
Dr. House: Six months without putting out, Dr. Cuddy doesn't need to wear thong panties... but it's not our call.
Dr. Cuddy: [sarcastic] I was wondering when you'd get around to my panties.

Dr. Cuddy: These are your big ideas? Somebody's lying?
Dr. House: Hasn't let me down yet.

Dr. Chase: [referring to Melinda] Maybe she's allergic to a having a sucky social life.

Dr. Chase: No alarm on this window.
Dr. Cameron: It's a 20-foot drop.
Dr. Chase: You can get to the tree from here. There's some bark scraped off.
Dr. Cameron: Sure— heart-transplant girl swung down there on a vine. Maybe she was hooking up with Tarzan and Cheetah down by the elephant graveyard.

Dr. Cameron: Test was negative, no semen allergy.
Dr. House: Boyfriend sneaks in to get his freak on the night before the anaphylaxis. I don't buy that it's unrelated.
Dr. Cameron: He loves her. Did everything he could to make sure she wouldn't get sick.
Dr. House: [looking puzzled] What does that mean?
Dr. Cameron: Love is an emotion certain people experience, similar to happiness. [smiles] You know, maybe I should give a more relatable example.
Dr. House: Oh, snap!

Dr. House: Great part of being a grownup, you never have to do anything.

Dr. Cameron: What if her anaphylaxis wasn't anaphylaxis? Toxicity from the anti-rejection meds could cause a seizure, and then heart failure.
Dr. House: And get cured by a mommy-wielded epi pen? It's anaphylaxis. What else?
Dr. Foreman: What if they really are two puzzles?
Dr. Cameron: You think she had two unrelated rare conditions in one week?
Dr. Foreman: We explained the anaphylaxis.
Dr. House: What do you mean, we? I did! At least I thought I did... maybe I didn't. Still, it was all me.

Dr. Foreman: [writing on board] Heart failure could be either infection, coronary disease, or rejection.
Dr. House: [taking marker away from Foreman] Sorry, there's a reason they call it the white board. It's not my rule. What ties both these conditions together?
[Everyone stares blankly at each other]
Dr. Foreman: Okay, we can all stare at each other, or we can investigate what caused the heart failure— just the heart failure. You wanna give me that black marker?
[House reluctantly gives back the marker]

Dr. Wilson: Where's... the hooker, I assume?
Dr. House: [taps his head] Right up here, buddy.
Dr. Wilson: You said you'd hang the stethoscope if you were having sex.
Dr. House: I didn't say it had to be with another person. [Wilson looks disgusted] Can you think of anything that would tie together anaphylaxis and heart failure?
Dr. Wilson: No. [raises voice] I was waiting out there for hours!
Dr. House: I need a lot of foreplay. And then there's the cuddling afterwards.

Dr. Wilson: Oh, no wonder you were in the mood— this month's New Jersey Journal of Cardiology.
Dr. House: Have you seen the centerfold? There's no way those valves are real!

Dr. House: I scammed you into doing the dishes, I made you sit on the steps, I didn't kill your puppy. I did not make you miserable.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, so this is therapy?
Dr. House: No it just... makes me smile.
Dr. Wilson: All right, I'm finding a new place tomorrow.
Dr. House: Right, but not tonight.
Dr. Wilson: Well, I figure you wanna shave my eyebrows while I'm asleep— I wouldn't wanna deprive you of that last smile.

[House has been playing pranks on Wilson throughout the show. Wilson and House are walking down the hallway when House's cane snaps in half and he falls]
Dr. Wilson: Oh, look at that. It looks like someone filed halfway through your cane while you were asleep.

Dr. House: You wake up in the morning, your paint's peeling, your curtains are gone, and your water is boiling, which problem do you deal with first?!
Dr. Foreman: House.
Dr. House: None of them, the building's on fire!

Dr. House: Everything sucks. Might as well find something to smile about.

[House is searching frantically through Melinda's hair for a tick]
Dr. Cuddy: Ticks aren't usually invisible.
Dr. House: They are until you FIND THEM!
[holds up comb triumphantly]
Dr. House: No, that's dandruff. Okay, well, that wasn't nearly as dramatic as I'd hoped. It just means that next time'll be even better!

[Cuddy, Wilson, and Melinda's parents burst through the elevator doors, only to see House searching for a tick with his head between her legs.]
Lewis: You sick, miserable...! [He rushes into the elevator]
Dr. Cuddy: What are you doing?
Barbara: Oh my god!
Dr. Wilson: Wait!
[The father has House pinned to the back of the elevator. House hold up his hand to reveal the elusive tick]
Dr. House: See? Told you it'd be more dramatic.

[House is talking to Melinda's boyfriend, who paid her a late-night visit]
Dr. House: This is the one downside of teenage sex - you're idiots. You almost killed your girlfriend. She's allergic to penicillin.
Dan: What, do you think there was still some on my lips? I brushed my teeth!
Dr. House: Think lower, and more fun.
Dan: I mean... it can... it can go through your stuff?
Dr. House: Totally, dude! There's an administrator here, whenever she gets sick she just gives me the prescription.

All In (2.17)

Ian: I have a question, and I need to go to the bathroom.
Mrs. Walsh: Which would you like to do first?
Ian: The question.
Mrs. Walsh: Okay.
Ian: Where's the bathroom?

Dr. House: [looking amazed after seeing Cameron all dressed up] Woooooow... [pause] What were we talking about?

[House, Cuddy and Wilson are playing poker at a hospital charity event]
Dr. Cuddy: Call.
Dr. House: You'll call anything.
Dr. Cuddy: My stack is bigger than your stack.

Dr. Wilson: So are you going to tell me an annoying story every time I raise?
Dr. House: God, that would be annoying.

[after hearing about Cuddy's patient]
Dr. Cuddy: You in or out?
Dr. House: I'm out.
Dr. Cuddy: [slaps a five and a three on the table] Oh! Stone cold bluff. You might want to spend a little more time paying attention to your cards, and a little less time staring at my breasts.
Dr. House: They don't match, either.
[Wilson peeks at House's cards and sees that he had pocket aces]

Dr. House: [to Chase, in front of a girl he's talking to] Hey! How's that anal fissure? Did it heal yet, or is it still draining? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you'd come back for seconds. I figured after that girl in the stairwell, you'd be done for the night.
Dr. Chase: He's joking.
Dr. House: No Adam's apple, small hands. No surprises this time.
Girl: I'll, uh, see you later.
[Girl exits]
Dr. House: Got a case.
Dr. Chase: Well, you could've just said that. You didn't have to screw with me.
Dr. House: Yeah, but if I didn't screw with you, you'd spend the whole night thinking you might get laid, which means you'd be useless. Better to extinguish all hope.

Dr. House: [on phone to Wilson, who is still playing with Cuddy] Keep your answers short and discreet. Is Cuddy still playing?
Dr. Wilson: The still in Piccadilly Square.
Dr. House: Brilliant. She'll never suspect that Normandy is our target.

Dr. House: [on phone] Go all in.
Dr. Wilson: You obviously want to bust me. Why, why would you...
Dr. House: Either you go all in or I tell everyone in the building that you wear toenail polish.
Dr. Wilson: [a moment, and then in a defeated voice] I'm all in.

[referring to House's patient from 12 years ago]
Dr. Wilson: Have you read Moby Dick?
Dr. House: It was a book?
Dr. Wilson: It was ten years ago.
Dr. House: Twelve.
Dr. Wilson: Obsession is dangerous.
Dr. House: Only if you're on a wooden ship and your obsession is a whale. I think I'm in the clear.
Dr. Wilson: You do realize it's a metaphor?
Dr. House: You do realize that the point of metaphors is to scare people from doing things by telling them that something much scarier is going to happen, than what will really happen? God, I wish I had a metaphor to explain that better.

Dr. House: Did you know that relative to its size, the barnacle has the largest penis of any animal?

Sleeping Dogs Lie (2.18)

[Cameron, Chase, and Foreman enter]
Dr. Cameron: [about the patient] We've got rectal bleeding.
Dr. House: What, all of you?

Dr. Cuddy: [finding House sleeping] You've seen one patient in the last two hours.
Dr. House: Complicated case. I'm a night owl, Wilson's an early bird. We're different species.
Dr. Cuddy: Then move him into his own cage.
Dr. House: Who'll clean the droppings from mine?

Dr. Cameron: Do you have any idea what it feels like to have a six-foot long hose shoved into your large intestine?
Dr. House: No, but I now have a much greater respect for whichever basketball player you dated in college.

Dr. Cameron: Was this just one of your experiments? You just wanted to see how I'd react to being screwed over by Foreman?
Dr. House: Nice idea, but no. This was just good old-fashioned laziness. Gotta hand it to Foreman, though—he knew that you're a suck-up and I don't give a crap. He successfully exploited us both.
Dr. Cameron: Right—we're both victims. A simple heads up, that's all I needed. Maybe between your incredibly witty remarks about anal sex and Cuddy's breasts, you could've tipped me off.
Dr. House: Then I'd have Foreman pissed at me, and as annoying as you could be, at least I know you're not gonna pop a cap in my ass. Witty, huh?

Dr. Cameron: If we want this to not get in the way of our friendship, I think we both have to apologize and put it behind us.
Dr. Foreman: I like you, really... we have a good time working together. But ten years from now, we're not gonna be hanging out, having dinners. Maybe we'll exchange Christmas cards, say "hi", give a hug if we're at the same conference... we're not friends, we're colleagues... and I don't have anything to apologize for.

Dr. Cameron: Depriving her of what little sleep she has, that's torture.
Dr. House: So is cutting people with knives. You can totally get away with that if you have a doctor's coat on.

Dr. Cameron: If she talks, if she does the decent thing, then you don't get to solve your puzzle, your game's over, and you lose.
Dr. House: Yeah. I want to save her. I'm morally bankrupt.

Patient: I have The Plague?
Dr. House: Don't worry, its treatable. Being a bitch, though... nothing we can do about that.

House vs. God (2.19)

Dr. House: You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic.
[Paraphrase of Thomas Szasz, "If you talk to God, you are praying; If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. If the dead talk to you, you are a spiritualist; If you talk to the dead, you are a schizophrenic." (The Second Sin, Anchor/Doubleday, Garden City, NY. 1973, Page 113)]

Dr. House: Isn't it interesting... religious behavior is so close to being crazy that we can't tell them apart.

Dr. House: I fear for the human race. A teenager claims to be the voice of God and people with advanced degrees are listening.

Dr. Chase: You're gonna talk to a patient?
Dr. House: God talks to him. It'd be arrogant of me to assume that I'm better than God.

Dr. House: So, you're a faith healer. Or is that a pejorative? Do you prefer something like "divine health management"?

Boyd: The nurses talk about you a lot.
Dr. House: Don't believe them. I keep a sock in my pants.

Boyd: God says you look for excuses to be alone.
Dr. House: See, that is exactly the kind of brilliance that sounds deep, but you could say it about any person who doesn't pine for the social approval of everyone he meets - which you were cleverly able to deduce about me by not being a moron. Next time, tell God to be more specific.

Dr. Foreman: God would probably want you to take the stick out of your butt and get over this.
Dr. Cameron: If there is some higher being running the universe it's probably so different from what our species can concieve that there's no point thinking about it. But I doubt it gives a damn about my butt.
Dr. Foreman: So you believe God exists but you don't think about it?
Dr. Cameron: I think penguins may as well speculate about nuclear physics, why are we having this conversation?

Boyd: I knew they'd send somebody else.
Dr. House: That God has a big mouth.

Dr. House: Tie goes to the mortal.

Boyd: I have a gift!
Dr. House: A gift is jewelry, socks - what you have is herpes encephalitis.

Boyd: Dad, we have to have faith...
Walter: I have faith in the Lord. You, I much as you can trust a teenage boy.

Dr. Wilson: House! Why the hell did you let an unstable patient wander the hallways?!
Dr. House: His leash broke.

Dr. House: You know, I get it if people are just looking for a way to fill the holes. But they want the holes; they want to live in the holes. And they go nuts when someone else pours dirt in their holes. [to the building] CLIMB OUT OF YOUR HOLES, PEOPLE!!

Dr. Chase: [to House] The honor of working for you is not worth a felony charge.

Dr. Wilson: Can this wait five minutes?
Dr. House: Is she dying?
Dr. Wilson: Yes.
Dr. House: Before the end of this consult?
Dr. Wilson: They could build monuments to your self-centeredness.

Dr. House: Gotta go—building full of sick people. If I can hurry, maybe I can avoid them.

Dr. House: He is not a saint. He figures out what's going on in people's lives by watching, listening, deducing...
Dr. Wilson: And you're worried about trademark infringement?
Dr. House: Then he passes on advice from God so he can watch them jump. It's a power trip.
Dr. Wilson: Ah, and there the similarities end.

Dr. Wilson: And that's why religious belief annoys you. Because if the universe operates by abstract rules you can learn them, you can protect yourself. If a Supreme Being exists he can squash you any time he wants.
Dr. House: He knows where I am.

Dr. House: Don't talk to my patient.
Dr. Wilson: What are you talking about?
Dr. House: You get all huffy when my patient stumbles into yours in the hallway, but you've got no qualms about chatting my guy up.
Dr. Wilson: This is fun, it's like Password. I'll jump in when I get a clue what the hell you're talking about.

[Doing Introductions]
Dr. House: Wilson! This is Dry Cleaner Guy. Tax Accountant. Guy from the bus stop. This is Wilson.
Dry Cleaner: How come he gets a name?
Dr. House: Seniority.

[after House has revealed Wilson's illicit relationship with a patient]
Dr. Wilson: Tell them my name isn't Wilson!
Dr. House: His name's not Wilson. And he's more screwed up than I am.

Euphoria, Part 1 (2.20)

Dr. House: He did however get hit with a bullet. Just mentioning.
Dr. Cameron: He was shot?
Dr. House: No, somebody threw it at him.

[House is trying to MRI a corpse with a bullet in its head. Cuddy walks in]
Dr. Cuddy: I can't even imagine the backwards logic you used to rationalize shooting a corpse.
Dr. House: Well if I'd shot a live person there's a lot more paperwork.
Dr. Cuddy: Then it won't be a problem for you to stand beside the casket at the wake and explain why a cancer patient has a bullet hole in his head.
Dr. House: The man donated his body to science. Yes, it's a tragedy. If I hadn't shot him his body could have spent the next year letting first year med students use the carpool lane.
Dr. Chase: He's set.
Dr. Cuddy: Do not turn that on, House!
Dr. House: You're mad because I put a bullet in his head. If it works, all I'm doing now is taking it out.
[House turns on the MRI. The magnetic field yanks the bullet fragments from the corpse and into the machine, causing it to overload. The lights go out and the team is left standing in the emergency lights.]
Dr. House: My bad.

(House has just shot a corpse.)
Man: [peering in] Did anyone just hear a—?
Dr. House: I shot him! He's dead!

Dr. Cameron: The chance of getting infected is next to nothing.
Dr. House: I was never good at math, but next to nothing is greater than nothing.

Dr. Chase: What are you doing?
Dr. House: [checking corpses' toe tags] I called my mom. She didn't pick up.

Dr. House: Cop with a sense of humor. Differential diagnosis. [tosses the files out to the ducklings] Guy's in the ER bleeding on everybody.
Dr. Foreman: Drugs!
Dr. Chase: He's a cop.
Dr. Foreman: Good point, how about drugs?

Dr. Foreman: According to Babyshoes, the cop was laughing before he got shot.
Dr. Cameron: Babyshoes?
Dr. Foreman: The guy who shot him.
Dr. Cameron: Reliable witness.
Dr. House: His name's Babyshoes, how bad can he be?

Dr. Foreman: What's Dr. Cameron wearing?
Joe: [looks over Cameron] Dark blue pants, white shirt, black shoes.
Dr. Foreman: Oh! Almost, except for the pants, shirt, and shoes. You're blind.

Dr. Cameron: [Referring to Foreman] He doesn't like cops.
Dr. House: [Very sarcastic] Foreman, policemen are our friends. If you and I are ever separated shopping...

Dr. House: Saying there appears to be clotting is like saying there's a traffic jam up ahead. Is it a ten-car pile up, or just a really slow bus in the center lane? And if it is a bus, is it a thrombotic bus or an embolic bus? ... I think I pushed that metaphor too far.

Dr. House: [sitting on the chair] Why doesn't anyone listen to me anymore?
Dr. Cameron: I decided you were wrong.
Dr. House: God you're weak. Guy steals your article, tells you you're not his friend. You still wanna risk your life for him.
[cuts to Cameron taking off the suit]
Dr. Cameron: Foreman broke my skin with a tainted needle.
[cuts back for a House closeup]
Dr. House: Wow.
Dr. Cameron: Yeah.
Dr. House: God you're weak. [Cameron rolls her eyes] Guy tried to kill you. First thing on my list of things do would be to stab him back. Shoot him. Got a gun in my desk. Last thing would be on my list would be to lie to my boss about it and give the bastard everything he wanted.
Dr. Cameron: I'm not here for Foreman, I'm here to save myself.
Dr. House: Eh... Even with a needle stick your chances of infection are pretty slim. That's why you're wearing the suit. You wanted to be here. He just gave you the excuse. What does that guy have to do to make you hate him?

Dr. Foreman:Whoa, whoa. You think I'm sick?
Dr. House: I think that an appropriate response to watching your boss shoot a corpse is not to grin foolishly
Dr. Foreman: The fact that I've grown bored by your insanity is proof of nothing.
Dr. House: [speaking over intercom] Dr. Foreman, Dr. Chase requests your assistance.

[Dr. Foreman is having brain surgery while Dr. Chase shows up some geometrical pictures, but it takes some time for the answer about the last image]
Dr. Chase: Foreman. Why haven't you answered yet? Is there a problem?
Dr. Foreman: S-square.
Dr. House: Tell me your date of birth.
Dr. Foreman: Is that House?
Dr. Chase: Yes. Next?
Dr. Foreman: [surprised but unable to move by head restrains] Square again. Why is he here?
Dr. House: Because my neurologist is having surgery.
Dr. Foreman: I thought I was another patient.
Dr. House: You didn't believe that crap. Did you? [while inserts a needle into Dr. Foreman's brain] Date of birth
Dr. Foreman: The Ommaya reservoir is inserted in the parietal lobe. My spacial recognition is the issue, not my memory
Dr. House: Oops! Did you say Ommaya? I could swear you said biopsy. Hey! I'm just messing with your head. Mother's maiden name, please
Dr. Foreman: [while tries to look at Dr. House, who is standing behind and taking a sample] Get out of my temporal lobe, House

Euphoria, Part 2 (2.21)

[House leads Dr. Foreman's father into Dr. Cuddy's office]
Dr. Cuddy: What is this?
Dr. House: He's not a what, he's a who. They even have the right to vote now.

Dr. Cameron: Foreman is black.
Dr. House: What?! How long have you been sitting on this information?

Rodney Foreman: My son says you're a manipulative bastard.
Dr. House: It's just a pet name. I call him "Dr. Bling".

[House waves a flashlight and makes ghost-like sounds to test a child patient for epilepsy]
Little Girl Patient: You're a goof.
Dr. House: Takes one to know one, loser. [Patient's mother looks at House in shock] Wait, that means I'm a loser. Scratch that.

Dr. Cuddy: You put both of them in isolation for a reason. Joe's death elevates this situation to a bio-safety level three.
Dr. House: Ooohhh, Level Three. Should I call Jack Bauer?

[House talks to Concerned Mom who thinks that her daughter has epilepsy]
Dr. House: In actuality all your little girl is doing is... saying yoo hoo to the hoo hoo.
Concerned Mom: She's what?
Dr. House: Marching the penguin... ya ya-ing the sisterhood... finding Nemo?
Little Girl Patient: [giggles] That was funny.
Dr. House: It's called gratification disorder, sort of a misnomer. If one was unable to gratify oneself, that would be a disorder.
Concerned Mom:[covering little girl's ears] Are you saying she's masturbating?
Dr. House: [making fun of the mother by talking out of the corner of his mouth so the little girl supposedly won't see that he's talking] I was trying to be discreet. There's a child in the room.

Dr. Foreman: [Foreman wakes up to find House examining him while Cameron and his father watch] I'm okay.
Dr. House: Your breath stinks, and you're peeing into a bag. What are our names?
Dr. Foreman: [looks at Cameron] Cameron...
[he then turns to see his father]
Dr. Foreman: Dad...
[turns to House]
Dr. Foreman: Manipulative Bastard...
Dr. House: Awwww, you remembered.

[Cuddy has gone to see Foreman in Isolation]
Dr. Foreman: Why are you here?
Dr. Cuddy: Because you're a friend, and I should be here.
Dr. Foreman: [sits up] I'm sorry House used my Dad to try and manipulate you. You've got integrity, you aren't going to change your mind just because you're confronted by my father.
Dr. Cuddy: Thank you.
Dr. Foreman: [angry] Just like I'm not gonna forgive you just because you come by here and ask how I'm feeling!
Dr. Cuddy: You know I've had no choice.
Dr. Foreman: Of course you had a choice!
Dr. Cuddy: Regulations are clear.
Dr. Foreman: And the punishment for violating those regulations? Is it death? Hmm? Because frankly, I'm okay if you get a fine, a suspension... hell, you can spend a couple of years in jail, if it saves my life!

[Wilson enters House's office to see House staring intently at his laptop]
Dr. Wilson: You're accessing a webcam?
Dr. House: Cuddy's shower. You a fan of the Brazilian?

[House has tried to infect his pet rat, Steve with the disease that's killing Foreman, and says he'll do a brain biopsy once Steve starts showing symptoms]
Dr. Wilson: You mean once he dies.
Dr. House: Well, as soon as he starts showing symptoms there's a good chance he'll be hit on the head by a, uh, cane-shaped object.

Forever (2.22)

Dr. House: Unless Chase broke his neck falling off his polo pony, he has no reason to be in the E.R.

Dr. House: Seizures are cool to watch, but boring to diagnose.

Dr. House: [to Foreman] Glad you're back. Cameron makes lousy coffee. I take mine black, the way I take my brain-damaged neurologists.

Dr. House: What are you doing?
Dr. Wilson: PCR Test.
Dr. House: You're doing it yourself. In the middle of the night. On a spoon. Cuddy's spoon.
Dr. Wilson: I'm checking her saliva for cancer markers.
Dr. House: Yeah... I do that after all of my dates too. People think you're the nice one.

Dr. House: Tonight.
Dr. Wilson: What?
Dr. House: "L Word" Marathon.
Dr. Wilson: You watch "The L Word?"
Dr. House: On mute.

Dr. House: [trying to get a rise out of Foreman] I'm telling you, I'm going to drop the N-bomb if I have to.
Dr. Foreman: You're addicted to conflict.
Dr. House: [looks at his Vicodin bottle] Did they change the name?

Dr. House: Idiots are fun. No wonder every village wants one.

Dr. House: You don't have cancer.
Dr. Cuddy: You don't have dwarfism.
Dr. House: You have no proof of that.

Dr. House: Bad news... estrogen is too high.
Dr. Cuddy: No matter how many people you tell otherwise, I am, and always have been, a woman.

Dr. House: It's great you can look beyond the fact she [Cuddy] is the devil.
Dr. Wilson: I stole a spoon. You stole her garbage.
Dr. House: She's my boss. She gets sick, the hospital might replace her. Especially if she dies. I'd have to learn how to manipulate someone new.
Dr. Wilson: Whoa. I think I'm gonna cry.

Dr. Foreman: I assumed you took the father into consideration.
Dr. House: What's that saying? "When you assume, you become a pain in the ass to me."

Dr. House: Ideas are not pop cans; recycling them sucks.

Who's Your Daddy? (2.23)

Dr. Cuddy: I thought I knew all of your friend.

Dr. Wilson: So does this guy have pictures of you being nice to him?

Dr. House: Don't try to talk. You have a big medical thing in your mouth.

Dr. House: She looks just like you. You have the same fro.

Dr. Wilson: Are you trying to end this discussion by grossing me out? I'm an oncologist, most of my patients have their skin sloughing off.

Dr. House: How does somebody who believes absolutely anything become a non-fiction writer?

Dr. Cameron: I can handle a simple consent form.
Dr. House: Okay, I'll be Crandall. Dr. Cameron—
Dr. Foreman: House, from what you say this guy will trust you—
Dr. House: Are you in this scene? Go.
Dr. Cameron: I need to talk to you about a procedure we'd like to do on Leona.
Dr. House: Like to do? Is this fun for you?
Dr. Cameron: He's not you; he's not going to mock me.
Dr. House: Stay in character. I'm so scared; hold me.

Crandall: Heard about your leg.
Dr. House: Yeah, pulled my hamstring playing Twister. Just gonna walk it off.

Dr. Cuddy: Need you. Now.
Dr. House: [in a deep voice] Yes, Mistress.

Dr. Chase: Her heart's fragile after that last attack! The chances of tachycardia are...
Dr. House: You have my permission to blame Foreman in any negligence trial.

Dr. Wilson: You didn't run the test?
Dr. House: Said I wouldn't.
Dr. Wilson: Okay, so either you lied, or he has pictures of you being nice.

Dr. House: Donor 1284 likes square dancing. No one likes square dancing.

Dr. House: [on answering machine] You've reached a number that has been disconnected and is no longer in service. If you feel you've reached this recording in error, go with it. Hang up, on three. One, two...*beep*
Dr. Cuddy: House, pick up. I know it's your day off. And you've no doubt got lots of exciting plans, but I've got a case.

Dr. House: She needed to be hurt. I wanted to hurt her. Win-win.

Dr. House: You're designing a kid, a loser kid, who's already getting pummeled at recess.
Dr. Cuddy: Here, knock yourself out. Go find sperm that can beat up 613's kid.

No Reason (2.24)

Jack Moriarty: Which one of you is Dr. House?
Dr. House: Skinny brunette.
Jack Moriarty: That's Dr. Cameron.
Dr. House: I'm skinny. How'd you know who she was?
Jack Moriarty: I'm an old patient of yours.
Dr. House: Oh, well, leave the chocolates downstairs.
[Moriarty pulls out a gun and shoots House]

Jack Moriarty: [House is on the ground, having just been shot by Moriarty] Shocking, isn't it? Who'd wanna hurt you?

Dr. House: I got shot, diagnostically boring. Big fat tongue, on the other hand, endlessly entertaining.

Dr. House: He's got a temperature of 103.
Dr. Foreman: And why do we care?
Dr. House: Because we're human beings. It's what we do. Said he was at a luncheon meeting.
Dr. Cameron: You took his history?!
Dr. House: Guy looks like Harpo. You should see him.
Dr. Chase: You asked him what book he's currently reading.
Dr. House: It's hilarious to watch him try and talk. I asked him anything I could think of. Favorite color? "Bwuu."
[Cut to clinic.]
Dr. House: Favorite dessert topping? [The patient hesitates.] Trust me, you'll never know what fact may be the key to saving your life.
Vincent: Whip cweam.

Vince's wife: You are Doctor House, aren't you?
Dr. House: You are not gonna shoot me, are you?
Vince's wife: You treated a friend of mine. She told me you talk to people only if you have to, and then you insult them showing off how insightful you are.
Dr. House: Sevens marry sevens. Nines marry nines. Fours marry fours. Maybe there's some wiggle 'round if there's enough money or somebody got pregnant. But you've got at least three points on your husband.

Dr. House: Yeah. Killer needs his rest. Otherwise he's grumpy all day. [House bangs on Jack's bed with his cane.] Hey! Wake up! Watch me save a life!

Dr. House: You shoot the guy who sold her the gun?
Jack: She locked herself in the garage and she started the car.
Dr. House: You shoot the guy who sold her the garage door opener?

Jack: You pretend to buck the system, pretend to be a rebel, claim to hate rules. [We see that House is sleeping] But all you do is substitute your own rules for society's. Now it's a nice, simple rule— tell the blunt, honest truth in the starkest, darkest way. And what will be, will be. And what will be, should be. And everyone else... is a coward. But you're wrong. It's not cowardly not to call someone an idiot. People aren't tactful, or polite just because it's nice. They do it... because they've got an ounce of humility. Because they know that they will make mistakes, and they know that their actions have consequences. And they know... that those consequences will be their fault. Why do you want so badly not to be human, House? [Cameron and Foreman enter and see House looking asleep.] Oh, he's awake.
Dr. Cameron: House, we need to talk to you.
Dr. House: How the hell did you know I was awake?
Jack: Your nostrils flare when you sleep.
Dr. House: They do not.
Jack: Fine, I'm lying.

Vince: You want to let a robot operate on me?
Dr. Cameron: The technology is amazing. It magnifies everything ten times, it's ten times the accuracy.
Vince: No way, I want a person!
Dr. Cameron: A person will be controlling the—
Dr. House: People suck. People have turned you from a guy with a swollen tongue into a guy with one eye, one ball and a stapled-on face. If you want someone to hold you while you cry yourself to sleep at night, choose warm and soft. If you want someone to write you a poem, pick the sensitive loner. If all you care about is that something's done right, pick the guy with the metal head.

[Cameron is lying down on the table, above are the arms of the robot. House is controlling the robot; Vince is sitting next to him.]
Dr. House: Relax Cameron, I'm not going to cut you. I just want to show what this puppy can do. I can make one millimeter incisions. You know how small that is? Small even in metric. If I do something that doesn't make sense, even to you, stop me. [He moves the robot's tweezer hand down to stroke Cameron's cheek.] Delicate, no? [He then lifts up the hem of her shirt and uses the air hand to blow air into her belly button. And then he cuts off a button on her blouse, peeling part of the shirt away to reveal her bra.]
Dr. Cameron: House.
Dr. House: Does that hurt? [Cameron shakes her head.]
Dr. House: [to Vince] Seen enough?
Vince: No.
Dr. House: That wasn't a question.

Jack: You've wasted your life.
Dr. House: Yeah. If only I'd dedicated my life to finding someone worthy to shoot.

Dr. House: Okay, I'll be you guys: [mocking Dr. Chase] "No way, mate, too much blood to just be a vein!" [mocking Dr. Foreman] "No way, hizzy! If it was an artery, he'd still be bleeding." [mocking Dr. Cameron] "Actually, he'd be dead." [pathetic face]

Dr. House: See? I couldn't have done that if I was dead.

[Vince is crying in pain, trying to use the restroom]
Vince: It's getting bigger!
Dr. Chase: You're getting aroused?
Vince: No, not that!
[Chase bends over to check, Vince's testicle explodes]

Dr. House: Why did you try to kill me?
Moriarty: I didn't.
Dr. House: Then the gun thing might have been a mistake.

Dr. House: Here's how life works: you either get to ask for an apology or you get to shoot people. Not both.

Moriarty: I don't care about semantics.
Dr. House: You anti-semantic bastard!

Moriarty: You think that the only truth that matters is the truth that can be measured. Good intentions don't count. What's in your heart doesn't count. Caring doesn't count. But a man's life can be measured by how many tears are shed when he dies. Just because you can't measure them— just because you don't wanna measure them, doesn't mean it's not real.
Dr. House: [staring at board] That does not make sense...
Moriarty: And even if I'm wrong, you're still miserable. Did you really think that your life's purpose was to sacrifice yourself and get nothing in return? No. You believe that there is no purpose. To anything. Even the lives you save you dismiss. You turn the one decent thing in your life and you taint it, strip it of all meaning. You're miserable for nothing. And I don't know why you'd wanna live.
Dr. House: [turns to Moriarty with a tear in his eye] I'm sorry.

Dr. House: Where are you going?
Dr. Foreman: You're an ass.
Dr. House: I know. Where are you going?

Dr. Cuddy: There are plenty of reasons to administer...
Dr. House: Fine, I'll just go and beat the truth out of my surgeon. Gillick, right?

Dr. Wilson: You don't want a healthy leg.
Dr. House: Ohh, here we go.
Dr. Wilson: If you've got a good life, if you're healthy, you've got no reason to bitch; no reason to hate life.
Dr. House: Well here's the flaw in your argument. If I enjoy hating life I don't hate life, I enjoy it.
Dr. Wilson: I didn't say it was rational. HIV testing is 99% accurate, which means there are some people who test positive who live with their own impending doom for months or years before finding out everything is okay. Weirdly, most of them don't react with happiness or even anger - they get depressed. Not because they wanted to die but because they've defined themselves by their disease. Suddenly, what made them, them, isn't real.
Dr. House: I don't define myself by my leg.
Dr. Wilson: No-o, you have taken it one step further. The only way you could come to terms with your disability was to somehow make it mean nothing. So you had to redefine everything. You have dismissed anything physical. Anything not coldly, calculatingly intellectual.

Dr. Wilson: No, I mean right now. [background music stops] Are you hallucinating?

[as he's about to succumb to anaethesia prior to having surgery to repair the wounds he sustained when shot by Moriarty]
Dr. House: Tell Cuddy...I want ketamine.

Season 3

Meaning (3.01)

Dr. Wilson: So if there's no diagnostic issue why are you taking the case?
Dr. House: ...Treatment can be interesting.
Dr. Wilson: Not to you.
Dr. House: I've changed.
Dr. Wilson: No you haven't.
Dr. House: [immediately] No I haven't.

Dr. House: [leaning over the end of the patient's bed] Don't worry, I'm not going to burn you again. I'm going to [reveals needle] STAB YOU!

Dr. House: What about Steven Hawken trying to do the 500 Butterfly?

Dr. Cameron: We should give her a local.
Dr. House: That would defeat the purpose of me being nasty.

Dr. Cuddy: You've been back at work for 24 hours and already you're playing hide-and-seek in a woman's spine.
Dr. House: Who won the pool?

Dr. Wilson: You really don't give a crap, do you?
Dr. House: Does that make me evil?
Dr. Wilson: Yeah.

Dr. Wilson: The reason we crave meaning is because it makes us happy. The first level of happiness... [House walks away] I'm not going away.

Dr. Wilson: The fifth level of happiness involves Creation, changing lives.
Dr. House: The sixth level is heroin, the seventh level is you going away.

Caren Krause: Scurvy? Like what sailors get when they don't eat right?
Dr. Foreman: Aye aye.

Arlene: I'm taking care of him for the same reason you helped us.
Dr. House: Some guy shot you and you hallucinated?

Dr. House: I don't remember you being this bitchy.
Dr. Wilson: The Vicodin dulled it. In the sober light of day, I'm a buzz-kill.

Dr. Wilson: Just because he was right, doesn't mean he wasn't wrong.
Dr. Cuddy: I see him every day. I can't just —
Dr. Wilson: Everybody lies.

[House has just done a skateboard trick.]
Dr. House: Oh! I stuck that primo! How rad am I?!

Dr. Cameron: You're lucky he didn't die.
Dr. House: I'm lucky? He's the one who didn't die.

[House has just run all the way from his home to the hospital]
Dr. Cuddy: Why did you...?
Dr. House: Why does a dog lick its workplace-acceptable euphemism for testicles?
Dr. Wilson: Because he can.

Dr. House: Inject him with cortisol. He'll have sex with his wife again! He'll hug his kid again! Hopefully that's the combination he was using... be a shame if I cured a pedophile.

Dr. Cuddy: Twenty-four times a year you come storming into my office spouting that you can help someone. Except you never say those words. You say something like, "His pancreas is going to explode because his brain is on fire!"

Dr. House: Would you like to get a drink?
Dr. Cameron: Are you .. are you serious or are you just trying to change the subject?
Dr. House: No I'm serious. I drink, you drink, we can do it at the same time, at the same table. Do you eat? We could do that too. Hey, if the answer's "no" that's cool, but...
Dr. Cameron: No it's just... you're just coming off surgery and you're not yourself yet and I work for you and even though last year's... agh. You're smiling. I'm saying no and you're smiling.
Dr. House: Well don't take it personally, it's just cause you're full of crap. You have no interest in going out with me. Maybe you did when I couldn't walk, when I was a sick puppy that you could nurture back to health. Now that I'm healthy there's nothing in it for you.
Dr. Cameron: You are not healthy. Cuddy wants to see you.

Cane and Able (3.02)

Dr. House: So you're saying Chase did screw up.
Dr. Chase: Or Foreman screwed up.
Dr. Foreman: Big hand points to minutes, maybe you got them mixed up.
Dr. House: Oh snap, Foreman is playing the dozens. You're at a huge cultural disadvantage here, Chase. Take a couple minutes here and think of a witty retort.
Dr. Chase: Hey Foreman, your momma's so fat that when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up.

Dr. Cameron: Is your leg hurting?
Dr. House: Is that question helping?
Dr. Cameron: You're leaning.
Dr. House: You're sitting.
Dr. Cameron: You're evading.
Dr. House: My head's hurting.

Richard: I want to have sex with my wife.
Dr. Cameron: Oh.
Richard: And I was hoping maybe you could ...
Dr. Cameron: Viagra? You're here for Viagra?
Richard: A bucket full would be nice.

Dr. House: Can you believe what Cuddy tried to pull?
Dr. Wilson: What now?
Dr. House: She lied to me. She cured my patient with my diagnosis, then lied to me about it.
Dr. Wilson: That doesn't sound like her.
Dr. House: You're right. Does sound like you, though.
Dr. Wilson: What exactly did Cuddy tell you?
Dr. House: Nothing that your body language isn't telling me right now. So what was the plan? I'd feel so horrible by missing a case that I'd re-evaluate my entire life, question the nature of truth and goodness and become Cameron?
Dr. Wilson: Something like that. More that if we'd told you the truth, that you'd solved it based on absolutely no medical proof, you'd think you were God, and I was worried your wings would melt.
Dr. House: God doesn't limp.

Dr. Chase: How could I screw up a simple bleeding-time test?
Dr. Foreman: Maybe you were abducted - lost time.

Dr. House: [crosses fingers] Tell me he's a mutant-human hybrid.

Dr. Cameron: Maybe he cheated.
Dr. Chase: Right, kids always cheat on their bleeding-time tests.
Dr. House: She was being metaphorical. She's trying to sound like me. [turns to Cameron] I have no idea what you meant, but [raises eyebrow] I could smell what The Rock was cooking.

Dr. House: I need a laser pointer.
Dr. Cameron: We don't have a laser pointer.
Dr. House: Well, why not? Who's going to take us seriously if we don't have a laser pointer?

Dr. House: Why do they bother putting age restrictions on these things when all you have to do is click "yes, I am 18"? Even a 17 year old can figure it out.

Dr. Cuddy: What's going on with the leg?
Dr. House: First tell me what's going on with the boobs.
Dr. Cuddy: If you're feeling pain -
Dr. House: They're firmer.
Dr. Cuddy: It's called an underwire. I wanna get a PET scan of your brain.
Dr. House: I think it's hormones.
Dr. Cuddy: As long as there's no increased activity in the thalamus -
Dr. House: [out of the corner of his mouth] Looks to me like those puppies are going into the dairy business.
Dr. Cuddy: - then the pain can be good. It could mean muscle regenerating. After you workout you get sore. Pain doesn't mean that it failed.
Dr. House: Guess I should be saying "mazel tov". Who gets to pass out the cigars?
Dr. Cuddy: I'm not pregnant. I need to get a PET scan of your brain.
Dr. House: Is it a boy or a girl? You got a name picked out?
Dr. Cuddy: I'm not pregnant!
Dr. House: My leg doesn't hurt.
Dr. Cuddy: You're in denial.
Dr. House: No I'm not! [scoffs] You got me.

Dr. House: [pager goes off while Cuddy is talking to him] Gotta go. [starts leaving, and stumbles after a few steps]
[Cuddy rushes over to help him]
Dr. House: [stands up] Ha.

Dr. Wilson: You're just like any other patient: running away from knowledge that won't make you happy.
Dr. House: I'm as happy as a pig in poop.
Dr. Wilson: You're scared the ketamine treatment's wearing off. That it was just a torturous window to the good life.
Dr. House: What part of "poop" didn't you understand?

Patient's Mother: You're talking about brain surgery.
Dr. House: I'm talking about really cool brain surgery.

Dr. House: Is this an intervention? You're a little late, since I'm not using drugs anymore. I am, however, still hooked on phonics.
Dr. Cuddy: If you did your morning run and showered at home you'd be later than usual.
Dr. House: Thought of you in the shower.
Dr. Cuddy: How's your leg? You seem to be favouring your left side.
Dr. House: It was hanging down my right pant leg yesterday, makes all the difference in the world.

Dr. House: Why don't I have high-def in my office? I'm a department head.

Dr. House: Foreman, you gotta steal this thing for me!
Dr. Foreman: Oh, let me ring up one of the homies.

Dr. Chase: House! Clancy has gone missing!
Dr. House: Oh God! I'll look on Alpha Centauri, you look on Tatooine, and Cameron can set up an intergalactic checkpoint. Let's pray he hasn't gone into hyperdrive - we'll never catch him.

Patient's Father: I thought you got it all!
Dr. Chase: Yeah, yell at me—that'll fix the kid.

Dr. House: The results came back. The lab cannot identify the metal. Said it might not even be terrestrial.
Dr. Chase: Really?
Dr. House: No, you idiot. It's titanium. Like from a surgical pin.

Dr. House: (Talking to Cuddy's stomach as if she were pregnant) Your mommy's such a liar... that's why you don't have a daddy

Dr. House: I know I get worked up when I cut microchip tracking implants out of my neck.

Dr. House: So it's a UFO. Unidentified Flowing Orifice.

Dr. Cuddy: [about Cameron] She's not nearly as delightful as she thinks she is.

Informed Consent (3.03)

[Cameron is staring at House at using his cane again]
Dr. House: What, my fly open?

Dr. House: Fresno, that's in France, right? Did you see the Parthenon?

Dr. Chase: [speaking about the patient] It's his call.
Dr. Foreman: So, what do we do? Put a plastic bag over his head and get it over with?

Dr. House: Come on, he's old, sick, and tiny. We can do whatever we want to him.

Dr. Foreman: All that in 24 hours?
Dr. House: Nah, whatever you don't get done you can finish at the autopsy.

Dr. House: [after his team has worked all night] Wow, you guys look like crap. What do you got?
Dr. Chase: Purple dye on my fingers.
Dr. House: What did the bone marrow biopsy show?
Dr. Foreman: Don't have the results.
Dr. House: What? What have you been doing all night?
Dr. Cameron: Jello shots and wild sex, what else?

Dr. House: Okay, next procedure: we sneak in, turn back the clock.

Powell: Dr. Chase said my calcium is normal.
Dr. House: We call him "Dr. Idiot".

Powell: Are you a man of your word, or not?
Dr. House: No, as a matter of fact, I'm not.

Powell: I've always wondered exactly what was on the other side.
Dr. House: Nothing.

Dr. Foreman: His heart rate's flat. We don't get it past 130 we're not gonna see anything.
Dr. Chase: And if he falls and breaks his hip, we're not gonna see anything either. Except an increase in our malpractice insurance.

Dr. House: Go, get to work. [turns away to look at MRI] Wait! [turns back and realizes no one has moved]

Dr. House: [to Cameron] You do know you can't actually pierce me with your stares?

Dr. Cameron: I can't do this. [leaves]
Dr. House: Drama Queen.

Dr. House: I thought you were only supposed to put on a pound a week during your last trimester.
Dr. Cuddy: I'm not pregnant.

Dr. House: Don't go towards the light! You'll fall and break your hip.

Dr. House: Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. [sticks his head under Powell's sheet]

Dr. House: What's the largest organ?
Dr. Chase: Skin.
Dr. House: We need to get a piece.
Dr. Foreman: Sure, we'll just wait until he leaves his room without his skin, sneak in and take a piece.

Dr. Foreman: How the hell did you pull that out of your ass?
Dr. House: Wasn't mine. I had a muse.

Dr. House: [to Cameron, after she killed Powell] I'm proud of you.

Lines in the Sand (3.04)

Dr. House: How right you are, Dr. Cuddy! We also don't pad our bills, swipe samples from the pharmacy, or fantasize about the teenage daughters of our patients, either.
Dr. Cuddy: True; better be true; and you're a pig.

Dr. House: Do a stool sample to check for parasites, blood culture to rule out infection, and ANA for lupus.
Dr. Cameron: Because he screamed?
Dr. Chase: It could also be an environmental reaction... an allergy, dust, weed, pollen, something he ate...
Dr. House: Check the house and run a lung ventilation scan... the lungs are in the chest too, right?
Dr. Foreman: I had a date last night. She screamed. Should we spend $100,000 testing her?
Dr. House: Of course not... this isn't a veterinary hospital. ZING!

Dr. House: Go up his rear and get a smear. Which reminds me, kinda feel like a bagel.

[House tries to sedate the flailing autistic patient]
Dr. House: Hey hey hey hey hey! [inhales from the oxygen mask]
Patient's Mother: What're you doing?
Dr. House: Eating the red berries.
[House inhales and puts the mask on the child who complies and passes out]
Patient's Mother: He trusted you.
Dr. House: No, that wasn't trust. That was self-preservation.
Patient's Father: No... That was huge. That was like a conversation.
Dr. House: Monkey's afraid to eat the red berries until he sees another monkey eat them. Monkey see, monkey do. It's all it was. The kid's still as messed up as when he admitted him. [stumbles away]

[Ali, House's 'stalker', has just left, but not before glancing over her shoulder at House and smiling. House turns to Cuddy]
Dr. House: After that look, I'm feeling frisky. Looks like you're up.
Dr. Cuddy: I'm ovulating. Let's go.
Dr. House: The frisky, it went away.
Dr. Cuddy: House, this isn't a game.
[starts to walk away]
Dr. House: If I leave her alone, can I have my carpet back?
Dr. Cuddy: No.
Dr. House: If I give up my carpet, can I have her?

[House bursts into Cuddy's office while she's on the phone]
Dr. House: I want my old carpet back.
Dr. Cuddy: [into the phone] Uh, we're gonna have to do this later. [glares at House] A kid in the clinic had an accident. [hangs up] Generally, when people are on the phone...
Dr. House: I want my old carpet back.
Dr. Cuddy: It was stained with blood.
Dr. House: Yeah. My blood. Which makes the carpet part of me. I want it back. I want to be buried with it.
Dr. Cuddy: You think you can get me to do anything you want, regardless of how stupid it is?
Dr. House: It's my office! It's where I work, where I think, where I save lives, allowing you to brag to rich people so they'll give you more money to spend on MRIs and low-cut tops. I want it back the way it was.
Dr. Cuddy: It's identical to your old carpet. Except without the hazardous biological waste.
Dr. House: I shall not return to my office until every patented durable micro-fiber has been restored to its rightful place.
Dr. Cuddy: [sarcastic] Inspiring. If you don't want to work in your office, work in the clinic. If you don't want to work in the clinic, go home. And don't get paid.
[House starts hitting his cane loudly against the floor]
Dr. House: Attica! Attica! Attica! Attica! Attica!...
[Cuddy just stares at House]
Dr. House: Attica?

Dr. Chase: It's funny. You get a normal kid, the parent works. You get a special kid that costs more, you quit and turn the backyard into a therapy circuit.
Dr. Cameron: Yes, if only you were handicapped. All the good times you could have had with Dad.

Dr. House: Exactly when did New Jersey run out of horny 17 year-old boys?
Ali: About 5 weeks ago? It's been very lonely.

Dr. House: [in a southern accent] Come on in, brothers and sister! Welcome to the house of the Lord!
Dr. Cameron: House, come on, the chapel?
Dr. House: We have been blessed with the miracle of a new symptom. Brother, can you testify as to why this poor child's eyeball rolled back into his head?
Dr. Chase: It's consistent with jimsonweed poisoning -- ocular paralysis.
[a man sitting in the pew gets up and leaves]
Dr. Chase: [whispering] Sorry.
Dr. House: The wicked shall deceive ye, because they have turned from the Lord and are idiots. His ocular muscle didn't paralyze. It pirouetted.
Dr. Cameron: MS…
Dr. House: It is easier for a wise man to gain access to heaven…
Dr. Cameron: Can you stop that? Just say not MS!

Dr. Foreman: Unless you have a better idea, I'm gonna go CT his head. And then, if -- if I have to, remove his eye.
Dr. House: You remove this kid's eye, he's only gonna be half as good at not making eye contact.

Dr. Cuddy: I have sad news for you: She doesn't love you.
Dr. House: You're ugly when you're jealous.
Dr. Cuddy: She showed up at my house last night—came on to me.
Dr. House: She's even more perfect than I thought.
Dr. Cuddy: House. She's sick.
[Cuddy sits down next to House]
Dr. House: You say "sick", I say "freestylin'".
Dr. Cuddy: The girl will have sex with an invertebrate.
Dr. House: Come on. You're not that bad.
Dr. Cuddy: She has a problem. You're not doing her any favors by indulging her.
Dr. House: Why would you lie like this? Do you not have room in your heart for love?
Dr. Cuddy: You don't believe me.
Dr. House: I didn't believe the kids when they said that Susie was sleeping with Johnny. I didn't believe them then, I don't believe them now. I don't care that Susie married Johnny -- he's mine.
Dr. Cuddy: She has a mole on her right breast, just below the nipple.
Dr. House: No, she doesn't.
Dr. Cuddy: You've seen her breasts?!
Dr. House: It was a medical exam. I was listening to her heart. It went "Greg-House, Greg-House, Greg-House".
Dr. Cuddy: Fine, I'm lying. [she stands up] But she did come back. She's locked up in my office. I was hoping you could talk to her. Put an end to this. [turns and leaves]

Dr. House Why can't you be more like the other age-inappropriate girls who have a thing for me? Just accept me for me.

Dr. Cameron: Is it so wrong for them to want to have a normal child? It's normal to want to be normal.
Dr. House: Spoken like a true circle queen. See, skinny, socially-privileged white people get to draw this neat little circle. And everyone inside the circle is "normal". Anyone outside the circle needs to be beaten, broken and reset so that they can be brought into the circle. Failing that, they should be institutionalized. Or worse - Pitied.
Dr. Cameron: So it's wrong to feel sorry for this little boy?
Dr. House: Why would you feel sorry for someone that gets to opt out of the inane courteous formalities which are utterly meaningless, insincere and therefore degrading? This kid doesn't have to pretend to be interested in your back pain, your secretions or your grandma's itchy place. Imagine how liberating it would be to live a life free of all the mind-numbing social niceties. I don't pity this kid - I envy him.

Dr. Cameron: All change is bad. Not true you know.

Dr. Cuddy: She is a stalker.
Dr. House: Right. Couldn't be that she find me interesting, atractive,...That means she is insane
Dr. Cuddy: She has called fifteen times! Your mother is not that interested in you.
Dr. House: Well, maybe I would be better adjusted if she was.
Dr. Cuddy: I'm notifying security.
Dr. House: Is this about the carpet? Think I'll back off if you block all my fun?
Dr. Cuddy: You better not having fun.
Dr. House: I'm having fun. I'm not having sex.
Dr. Cuddy: She is dangerous.
Dr. House: She is not dangerous.
Dr. Cuddy: She is pretty.
Dr. House: She is pretty.
Dr. Cuddy: [sighs } Men are stupid.
Dr. House: I'm with you so far.
Dr. Cuddy: I'm notifying security. [walks away }
Dr. House: Oh give her a break, she is not dangerous, she is... insightful. [Cuddy enters a crowded conference room}

Dr. House: Listen to me. Do you have any idea what you'd have to look forward to if you stayed with me? Nine chances out of ten we'd end up in jail.
Ali: You're only saying that to make me go.
Dr. House: I'm saying it 'cause it's true. Inside of us we both know that you belong with Victor.
[Ali looks confused]
Dr. House: Is there a Victor in your class?
[Ali shakes her head]
Dr. House: If you're not with someone your own age, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.
Ali: What about us?
Dr. House: We'll always have Fresno. I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that two little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Now now, here's looking at you, kid.

Dr. House: [to Cameron, while high from anaesthesia] You have pretty hair.

[House bursts into operating room]
Dr. House: Hey! Don't touch his eye!
Surgeon: This is an appendectomy.
Dr. House: [taken aback but unable to admit his error] Like I said, don't touch his eye.

[Dr. Wilson enters Dr. Cuddy's office with a book on his hands]
Dr. Wilson: I'm going to read you something. "Asperger Syndrome is a mild and rare form of autism. It's typically characterized by difficulty establishing friendships and playing with peers, trouble accepting conventional social rules and they dislike any change in setting or routine." Or broadloom. It doesn't say that last part, but you get my point.
Dr. Cuddy: House doesn't have Asperger's. The diagnosis is much simpler, he's a jerk.

Dr. House: Your first tongue kiss, that's an 8 on the happiness scale. Your child being snatched back from the break of death, it's a 10. But they walk with a very mild 6.5 because they know what they come back to.
Patient's Dad: Hey, listen... Thanks.
Patient's Mom: You saved his life.
Dr. House: Yeah. I know. See ya.
[Autistic patient walks by, then comes back, stands in front of House and hands him his PSP. He then makes direct-eye contact with House for several seconds. Patient's parents congratulate him.]
Patient's Dad: That was so cool.
Dr. House: ...
Dr. Wilson: [moved] That was a 10...

Fools for Love (3.05)

Dr. House: If he's not hitting that, why is she here?
Dr. Cameron: Because I'm hitting that, and it's totally hot.

Dr. House: Infectious or environmental...all we have to do is check out parasites, viruses, bacteria, fungi, prions, radiation, toxins, chemicals, or it's Internet porn related. I'll check the Internet, you guys get the rest of the stuff.

Dr. House:There's a reason we don't let kids vote, or drink, or work in salt mines. They're idiots! Twenty year olds fall in and out of love more often than they change their oil filters. Which they should do more often.

Dr. House: Any of your shorties ever been whities?
Dr. Foreman: Not sure I understand your ghetto slang, Dr. House. How many black women have you dated, by the way?
Dr. House: I don't care about color, as long as they can help me breed a superior race.

Dr. Foreman: My exes have usually been black, so what? Its not a racial thing, its cultural. I have more in common with them, like, I assume you [Dr. House] only date emotionally stunted bigots.

Dr. Cuddy: Pay attention to me!
Dr. House: Sorry, that would make it harder to ignore you.

Dr. Wilson: Your real fear is me having a good relationship
Dr. House: Yes, it keeps me up at night. That and the Loch Ness Monster, global warming, evolution, other fictional concepts.

Dr. Chase: Cameron and Foreman are too ethical and I'm too scared of getting sued.

Michael Tritter: I don't wanna sue you.
Dr. House: Good.
Michael Tritter: I want to beat the crap out of you.
Dr. House: Less good.

Dr. House: Dude. She's in a coma. Who are you trying to impress?

Dr. Wilson: I didn't screw up! I did my job!
Dr. House: Your job is to get me the biopsy!
Dr. Wilson: No, it's to present the patient with his options.
Dr. House: Two options: biopsy or no biopsy. He chose the third: no treatment! How'd you even do that!?

Dr. Wilson: If this is more dating advice…
Dr. House: Love to gossip, but I’ve got work to do. Is this sarcoidosis?
Dr. Wilson: It’s pretty nonspecific. Could be granulomas, could be plaques. What’s this? Oh, oh, you stole Wendy’s personnel file?!
Dr. House: In a way, aren’t we all guilty of bribing the janitor of taking the file and giving it to me? Yes, I take my share of the blame, but society’s also –

Que Sera Sera (3.06)

Dr. House: [to Wilson, as they enter his car after he is bailed out of jail] Does Salma Hayek live in Mexico or Spain?

Dr. House: Start treating Jabba for Pickwicken Syndrome. His 96 double Zs are probably putting pressure on his chest and suffocating him....what's normal for a hippopotamus...Lets see what Shammu's been up to besides eating. This conversation is over because I've officially run out of clever things to call the guy.

Dr. House: Kids these days. Got no respect for other people's property.

[A patient has pain in his arm after he has slept on top of it all night. House suggests surgery.]
Patient: You want to remove my arm?
Dr. House: Well, it is your left, but a guy has got to sleep.
Patient: Are you insane?

[Cameron and Foreman went to patient's house]
House: What you find out?
Cameron: That you and George have the same taste about home furnishing and women.
House: Danish modern and russian gymnasts?
Cameron: Pianos and prostitutes.

[About getting the patient on the MRI machine]
Cameron: The weight limit is obviously just an estimation, its not like it can hold 450 pounds fine and it'll instantly collapse at 451.
Chase: Its not one pound over, he's a 150 pounds over.
Cameron: I don't care, he still deserves the same standard of cares that anyone else.
Foreman: And you believe the machine will stand on priciples?

George: You must be Dr. House.
House: And you must be filled with bologna. Lot of it.
George: Right! Fat Joke! Always fun, the only people you can still make fun of.
House: And Christians. Oh! And black people.

House: So, what is it? You tried to hug yourself?

House: Lets see your stomach has deep seeded feelings of abandonment written all over it, which quints toward sexual abuse, though fear of hospitals points to a more specific traumatic event, so I'm gonna say: your mom, in a hospital with a candlestick, and by candlestick of course I mean inherited OTC deficiency.

Dr. House: [To Wilson] It's probably her mom. I bet she's huge. She is from the Midwest. Since when do you eat beets?

Dr. Foreman: [On George, the extremely obese patient] He wants to be discharged.
Dr. House: Oh right, places to go, people to eat.

Dr. Wilson: [About George] Selectively rational, stubborn, uncooperative. Maybe you should check his leg.
Dr. House: [Guffaws] Did you see what he did there? The patient's like me! The patient's... three mes!

Dr. House: You say "no way", I say… [long pause] Yeah, no way.

Dr. Wilson: From what I hear the patient reminds her of you, not me.
Dr. House: Cameron sees a clump of dirt and she thinks of me.
Dr. Wilson: Or a lump of something else.

Dr. House: Where's Chase?
Dr. Cameron: Haven't seen him since you told him to sit on his ass yesterday.
Dr. House: Interesting.

Son of Coma Guy (3.07)

Dr. Wilson: I'm curious..
Dr. House: [interrupting] No, you're not!

Dr. Cuddy: : Put down the syringe.
Dr. House: : I can outdraw you, mysterious stranger.

Dr. Wilson: Why steal my pad?
Dr. House: [mockingly] Oh my God! You're right! I'm an addict, thanks for opening my eyes!
Dr. Wilson: No, I mean why my pad. Foreman, Cameron, and Chase's pads are just as convenient, but their association with you is involuntary. They're employees. I associate with you through choice, and any relationship that involves choice, you have to see how far you can push before it breaks.
Dr. House: This is easy. You ask the questions, answer them, and make tasty snacks!
Dr. Wilson: And one day our friendship will break, and that will just prove your theory that relationships are conditional, and you don't need human connection or deserve it or whatever goes on in that rat-maze of your brain.
Dr. House: [to patient] Sorry, if I had known he was going to be this annoying, I would have stolen Dr. Cameron's pad and Dr. Foreman's car. At least she appreciates my brooding melancholy.
Dr. House: [cellphone rings, he answers] House's house of whining, state your complaint!

Dr. House: [explaining why he became a doctor] When I was 14, my father was stationed in Japan. I went rock climbing with this kid from school. He fell and got injured, and I had to bring him to the hospital. We came in through the wrong entrance, and passed this guy in the hall. He was a janitor. My friend came down with an infection, and the doctors didn't know what to do. So they brought in the janitor. He was a doctor. And a Buraku - one of Japan's untouchables. His ancestors had been slaughterers, gravediggers. And this guy knew that he wasn't accepted by the staff, didn't even try. He didn't dress well. He didn't pretend to be one of them. People around that place didn't think he had anything they wanted, except when they needed him - because he was right, which meant that nothing else mattered. And they had to listen to him.

Gabe: I wouldn't get to see him, even if we got in the car right now and broke the speed limit driving back, would I?
Dr. House: No.
Gabe: Tell him... [pauses, at a loss for words] I don't know what to tell him. I don't think it's my turn to ask a question, is it?
Dr. House: I don't think so, you just asked me that thing about the speed limit. What do you want to know?
Gabe: If you could hear one thing from your father, what would it be?
Dr. House: It wouldn't help you.
Gabe: Try me.
Dr. House: I'd want him to say, "You were right. You did the right thing."
Gabe: You were right. It didn't help.

Dr. Wilson: I don't think my enabling is something you should be complaining about.

Gabe: [whilst holding up an iPod to show to House and Wilson] What's this? It says ipp-odd.

Dr. House: Quick! What's the kid's status? Gotta get back to our sleeper before he goes looking for the Orgasmatron.

Gabe: You know what? I didn't let you come along so you could suck all the fun out of my one day of life.
Dr. House: Well, you're out of luck, 'cause that's totally why I'm here.

Dr. Wilson: If your son does have mercury poisoning, there's a good chance he'll respond to the chelation. You might be able to have a few minutes with him before you lapse...
Gabe: [turns around, upset] Why are you so concerned about me?
[Wilson gives up]
Dr. House: Deep inside, Wilson believes if he cares enough, he'll never have to die.

Dr. House: Wilson, get out.
Dr. Wilson: I'm staying.
Dr. House: You've lied enough to the cops for me.
[Wilson looks hesitating]
Dr. House: ... Maybe I don't want to push our friendship until it breaks.

Dr. House: Only six left, by the way.
Dr. Wilson: So sign my name. You don't need a doctor, you need a pen!
Gabe: What is up with you two?
Dr. House: Wilson lied to the bulls to keep me out of the big house.
Dr. Wilson: Are you out of your mind?
Dr. House: Well, who's he gonna tell? By tomorrow night he's gonna be a mindless stalk of celery.

Whac-A-Mole (3.08)

Dr. Cameron: We're all playing his game; might as well enjoy it.

Dr. Cuddy: You can't lift your arm.
Dr. House: You can't pee standing up.

Dr. Cameron: You okay?
Dr. House: Hurt my shoulder playing fantasy football.

Dr. House: He's teaching prepubescent kids that truth matters, God doesn't, and life sucks. I like him.

Dr. House: [to Cuddy] Okay, fine. I'll father your child. But first you got to write me a Vicodin prescription. Just so that I can get through the foreplay.

Dr. House: [to patient's little brother] Can I be your imaginary friend?

Dr. Cameron: Nice cane.
Dr. House: If I know what you mean.. [winks]

Finding Judas (3.09)

Dr. Foreman: [to Chase] Maybe you want to wait untill House tells us his theory before you start kissing his theory's ass.
Dr. Chase: I wasn't kissing his ass.
Dr. Forman: It must've just looked that way from our angle; you on your knees... House bending over...

[House has been "targeting" Dr. Cuddy with a laser pointer]
Dr. Cuddy: I'm sitting in there hoping it's a sniper because at least then the sociopath isn't my employee.
Dr. House: This baby won me second place in the clinic weekly "Weirdest Thing Pulled Out of an Orifice" contest.
Dr. Cuddy: I am this close to putting a new lab in oncology.
Dr. House: You do not want to know what came in first.
Dr. Cuddy: House...
Dr. House: Rhymes with "fucchini."

Dr. House: But I hurt in an unreasonable way.
Dr. Cuddy: Then dip into your secret stash.
Dr. House: Tritter took it.
Dr. Cuddy: Then move on to your secret, secret stash.
Dr. House: I ran out.
Dr. Cuddy: Then move on to your secret, secret, secret stash!

Dr. Foreman: You hide drugs in a lupus textbook?
Dr. House: It's never lupus.

Dr. House: I am a complete stranger who apparently cares more about your child than you do.
Edie: You're Dr. House.
Dr. House: You've seen my stage show.

Edie: You're the doctor, I'm the mother, I outrank you, live with it.

[at the court]
Judge: I've read the file. You've got fifteen minutes.
Dr. House: It's people like this who killed Copernicus.
Judge: Galileo.
Dr. House: Either way.
Judge: And they just locked Galileo up.
Dr. House: They killed his spirit. Nobody likes a showoff. Luckily, Alice Hartmann has a dad who's willing to see reason.
Judge: Reason as defined by slavishly deferring to you.
Dr. House: Their doctor.
Edie: Your Honor, I've had no opportunity to consult my attorney.
Dr. House: There's no time.
Edie: All I want is a second opinion before —
Dr. House: No time!
Judge: Your testimony is their child will die if I don't grant this motion right now.
Dr. House: Am I under oath?
Judge: Let's say yes.
Dr. House: My testimony is that this child might die if you don't grant this motion right now.
Judge: Literally no time for a second opinion.
Dr. House: Wouldn't be as good as the first opinion.
Judge: Dr. Cuddy, what do you think?
Dr. House: She's not a specialist in this area. Her opinion is worthless.
Judge: Dr. Cuddy, what do you think of Dr. House? Is he as big a jerk as I think he is?
Dr. Cuddy: Bigger. But he knows what he's talking about.

[House is back at the court]
Dr. House: ... Luckily, Alice Hartmann has a mom who is willing to see reason.
Judge: You were in here yesterday telling me her father's guardianship was best for her.
Dr. House: I honestly figured I'd get a different judge today.
Judge: You agree with Dr. House now.
Edie: Now my kid actually is sick.
Rob: She was sick yesterday.
Edie: Her pediatrician doesn't know what's wrong with her, says Dr. House is the best.
Rob: She loses guardianship. All of a sudden, House is a hero. It's got nothing to do with me deciding —
Judge: Hey, zip it! I've heard enough.
Dr. House: This lawyering thing is easy.
Judge: You shut up too. Arguing over every decision is a waste of her time and mine. Since her parents can't or won't agree, I'm awarding temporary guardianship to a doctor who will place the health of the child above all else.
Dr. Cuddy: I don't think Dr. House is capable —
Judge: Dr. Cuddy.
Dr. Cuddy: Yes, Your Honor?
Judge: No, I was finishing my sentence. The kid's all yours.

[Cuddy is in the shower with Alice in her arms, trying to cool her down. House opens the shower door]
Dr. Cuddy: Look at her arm.
[Cuddy shows House the patient's left arm covered with a red rash]
Dr. House: I told you it was an infection.
Dr. Cuddy: We fixed the infection.
Dr. House: Well, apparently not. I asked you for broad-spectrum, you put her on the bare minimum. It's a good thing you failed to become a mom because you suck at it!! [leaves]

Dr. Chase: Can we talk?
Dr. House: Nope.
Dr. Chase: I really think —
Dr. House: [interrupting] Either you screwed me and you want absolution, or you didn't and you want applause. Either way I'm not interested.

[Cuddy is sitting alone on the sofa with her back to the window. Wilson knocks on the door]
Dr. Cuddy: Busy.
[Wilson walks in anyway]
Dr. Wilson: You okay?
Dr. Cuddy: Yeah, sure.
Dr. Wilson: Uh, what I meant by "are you okay?" is what the hell did House do?
Dr. Cuddy: Nothing.
Dr. Wilson: What did he say?
Dr. Cuddy: I've seen House be rude a thousand times, usually to achieve something. I have never seen him be mean just because he can.
Dr. Wilson: Seriously? What did he say?
Dr. Cuddy: Nothing. Doesn't matter.
[Wilson sits down]
Dr. Wilson: Well, I've seen House be rude to you a thousand times, but I've never seen it get to you.
Dr. Cuddy: People think House has no inner censor. But the fact is he holds himself back, because when he wants to hurt, he knows just where to poke a sharp stick. I have been trying to get pregnant, and House knew. He told me I would fail as a mother.
Dr. Wilson: And you're this upset because you think he's right?
Dr. Cuddy: I've had three separate implantations. The first two never took. The last one I lost.
Dr. Wilson: I'm sorry. You didn't fail. Those where physical events.
Dr. Cuddy: A little girl is... scared and in pain. I was awkward, terrified of doing the wrong thing.
Dr. Wilson: That's normal. That's —
Dr. Cuddy: [crying] I didn't hug her. I didn't even reach out and hold her hand. I told her it was gonna be okay.
Dr. Wilson: She needed reassurance.
Dr. Cuddy: I told her her folks might get back together. When I see people with their kids, it's so natural. It's like they have an instruction book imprinted on their genes. Maybe I just didn't get a copy. Maybe my wanting to be a mother is like a tone-deaf person wanting to sing opera or a paraplegic who wants to —
Dr. Wilson: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Well, I see what you mean about House poking in the right spot.
[Cuddy chuckles wryly]

Dr. House: RIGHT! She's SIX! She's CUTE! She CAN'T have flesh-eating bacteria! It's just WRONG! Let's cure her with sunshine and puppies! Cute kids die to terrible illnesses! Innocent doctors go to jail! It's because COWARDS like you won't stand up and do what's required! You can sit around and moan about who's the bigger weakling, and I'm gonna do my job.

Dr. Cameron: Tritter released our bank accounts.
Dr. House: Horrible, horrible news. Boy, I'm glad we didn't let that fester.

Dr. Wilson: [to Det. Tritter]: I'm going to need 30 pieces of silver.

Merry Little Christmas (3.10)

Det. Tritter: Merry Christmas.
Dr. House [mutters]: And a Happy "Go to Hell."

[walking into an examining room, where Dr. Cuddy is with two dwarves]
Dr. House: I just need to borrow her for a tiny moment... small favor.

Dr. House: Look, there's Jesus. Better go tell the Romans.

Dr. Cameron: What are you gonna do?
Dr. House: I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual.

[Dr. House is comparing Maddy to his cane]
Maddy: I'm 4'1". That's 1.5 canes in metric.
Dr. House: You don't look a day over 4 feet. I saw in the file that her Dad was normal-sized.
Maddy: It's average-sized.
Dr. House: Compared to you I'm sure it was huge. So did he have a fetish, or did he just fall in love with your long-legged soul?
Maddy: He grew up in the circus. Said I reminded him of home. Seems like you're the one with the fetish.
Dr. House: I'm certainly curious about the logistics. Did you stand on a table?
Dr. Cameron: House!
Maddy: Pretty much he'd lay flat, and spin me.

Dr. House: She also hates Jews.
Maddy: I've dealt with worse. Being different, you get used to people's idiocy. Still beats the hell out of actually being an idiot. What?
Dr. House: Care to go for a spin?

Dr. Foreman: We need to stop retracing our steps and get ahead of this thing.
Dr. Wilson: House, you've tanned.

Dr. House: Can we forget my vices and get back to my virtues?

Little Girl: Can I have a french fry?
Dr. House: Get your own!
Little Girl: You took the last ones.
Dr. House: What's wrong with you?
Little Girl: I got spinal muscular atrophy.
Dr. House: At least it's not contagious...nice bear.
Little Girl: It's a dog.
Dr. Cuddy: House. It's not Still's. Steroids helped until the patient started bleeding from the ears and mouth.
Dr. House: It's a bear.
Little Girl: His name is Bill. He's a dog.
Dr. Cuddy: You win [rattles bottle], you can have Vicodin.
Dr. House: Words have set meanings for a reason. If you see an animal like Bill and you try to play fetch, Bill's going to eat you, because Bill's a bear.
Dr. Cuddy: Are you on something? You got your hands on pain meds.
Little Girl: Bill has fur, four legs, and a collar. He's a dog.
Dr. Cuddy: It's between cancer and auto-immune.
Dr. House: You see, that's what's called a faulty syllogism; just because you call Bill a dog doesn't mean that he is...[House gets an epiphany} a dog.

Dr. Wilson: Why aren't you detoxing?
Dr. House: [takes a pill] Willpower.
Dr. Wilson: Wh... what?
Dr. House: Normal's not normal, if you're not normal.
Dr. Wilson: Did you just take a pill?
Dr. House: No.

Maddy: Are you high?
Dr. House: Higher than you.

Dr. House: You want her to be a freak.
Maddy: We're not freaks!
Dr. House: You want her to persevere, to over-come adversity...
Maddy: Yes.
Dr. House: Then why stop at height? Poke a stick in her eye! Think of how interesting she'll be then!

Words and Deeds (3.11)

Dr. Cameron: House, I just heard that you apologized to Wilson.
Dr. House: Detoxing. I didn't know what I was saying.
[Cameron hugs him]
Dr. House: Excuse me, I have to go to jail now.

Dr. House: When I lead the big patient rebellion, Voldemort here is the first to go.

Dr. House: I told you never to call me when I'm on trial.

Dr. House: If you called to see the design of my prison tats, they're still at R&D.

Det. Tritter: Dr. Cuddy wouldn't get off the phone until I came up here and saw for myself.
Dr. House: Well don't tell anyone but the photos of smiling people in the brochures, it's just marketing.
Det. Tritter: Well you're obviously making an effort. So I guess all that's left is for me to go to the DA and drop all the charges.
Dr. House: Which you have no plan what so ever of doing?
Det. Tritter: No.
Dr. House: So words mean nothing, actions mean nothing, what the hell is left?
[Tritter shrugs his shoulders and walks away]
Dr. House: [Yelling from across the room] You son of a bitch! [Tritter stops and turns around] What about your words, your actions. [House gets up and starts walking over to Tritter] "Gotta get House cleaned up, get him to show some humility", when it comes to actually doing something you prove that all you care about is bitch slapping a guy who refused to kiss your ass.
Det. Tritter: You ever trust an addict? You ever give one the benefit of the doubt? How many times did it work out for you?
Dr. House: Yeah yeah yeah, I get it, so you were screwed over by your mother, your wife, your partner, but you keep sending them Christmas cards while you take it out on everyone else.
Det. Tritter: No more Christmas cards, no I learned. People like you, even your actions lie

Dr. Wilson: [Seeing House eagerly consuming his medication] That's Vicodin. He's been slipping you Vicodin.
Dr. House: No! He'd be risking his minimum wage job to do that.
Dr. Wilson: The whole time? Nothing's changed?
Dr. House: Nothing's changed.
Dr. Wilson: [Walking away in disbelief and then turning back] The apology. You didn't need to do that to make this work.
Dr. House: [Smiling] Believe what you want.

Dr. House: Whoever came up with buprenorphine to wean off Vicodin should be shot, and then stabbed in the eye.

One Day, One Room (3.12)

[House enters Cuddy's office]
Dr. House: How can I help you this beautiful morning?
Dr. Cuddy: You got any cases?
Dr. House: Three. I got a teenage, African-American lung transplant –
Dr. Cuddy: [interrupts] For the next few days you'll be doing nothing but clinic work.
Dr. House: I just said--
Dr. Cuddy: You're lying!
Dr. House: Then why'd you ask?
Dr. Cuddy: Because if you told the truth, I was only gonna give you one day of clinic duty.
Dr. House: That's dishonest. I refuse to participate in this —
Dr. Cuddy: [interrupts] You'll do it. You owe me. I kept you out of jail. I can put you back.
[House turns and heads toward the door]
Dr. House: Perjurer.
Dr. Cuddy: Felon.
[House leaves]

Dr. House: [after looking up the patient's nose] It's beautiful! If my lawn was half as well maintained as that, pigeons wouldn't have the nerve to poop on it.
Patient: Good grooming is important.
Dr. House: Is that a shot?
Patient: People do judge you on your appearance. When you entered, I noted your shirt hadn't been pressed and you hadn't shaved in quite some time. I extracted that you were a person for whom detail is not a major concern. I was worried you might apply the same standard in your work.
Dr. House: You use toe-nail clippers up there?
Patient: They're longer, so they allow me to better reach the upper hairs.
Dr. House: I am wearing a rumpled shirt, and I forgot to brush my hair this week. You've got athlete's foot in your nose. I'm ready to be judged.

Dr. House: Start counting.
[The patient takes his pulse]
Dr. House: How many?
Patient: 26.
Dr. House: Either you suck at math, or you're going to die in two seconds.
[A moment passes, and nothing happens]
Dr. House: You suck at math.

Dr. House: How old are you?
Patient: Thirty.
Dr. House: And you've never seen an after school special? Dawson's Creek? How do you get to thirty and not know about condoms?
Patient: Oh, God, I-I have an STD.
Dr. House: No, but you will. Every person with an STD has something in common: They got it while they had SWS; "sex while stupid."

Doctor: He swallowed a magnet. We gotta cut it out.
Dr. House: [to the kid] How old are you?
Kid: Eight.
Dr. House: And he swallowed something stuck to a fridge. Darwin says "let him die".

Eve: Abortion is murder.
Dr. House: True. It's a life and you should end it.
Eve: Every life is sacred.
Dr. House: Come on. Talk to me. Don't quote me bumper stickers.
Eve: It's true.
Dr. House: It's meaningless.
Eve: It means that every life matters to God.
Dr. House: Not to me. Not to you. Judging by the number of natural disasters, not to God either.

Dr. House: We are selfish, base animals crawling across the earth, but 'cause we've got brains, if we try really hard, we can usually aspire to something that is less than pure evil.

Dr. Wilson: She's waiting for your answer?
Dr. House: She's asleep. ... I sedated her.
Dr. Wilson: Why do you care what you say to her?
Dr. House: Because! I don't know how to answer these questions!
Dr. Wilson: It's a simple question. Has your life sucked? Tell her the truth. Tell her you were shot, tell her -
Dr. House: She doesn't want to hear the truth. She's looking for something. Looking to extrapolate some -
Dr. Wilson: She's looking to connect with you. And that's what's scaring the hell out of you. Tell her the truth.
Dr. House: There is no truth.
Dr. Wilson: ... Are we roleplaying? Am I you!? I don't want to be you!

House: She's not asking for test results. She's not asking what two plus two equals. She's asking for my personal life experience so she can extrapolate to all humanity. That's not truth, it's bad science.
Wilson: It's not science at all. Tell her the truth.
[Scene changes]
Cameron: Tell her your life has been good.
House: It hasn't been.
Cameron: Tell her anyway. She wants hope. She wants to know that what happened to her wasn't the norm. That things can be okay, which means things can be okay for her again.
[Scene changes]
Foreman: Tell her your life sucked.
House: It didn't.
Foreman: Tell her anyway. She wants to know she's not alone. She wants to know that she can survive this, that other people have been through this and worse and come out the other end. She wants to know she's going to heal. Act like…you've healed.
[Scene changes]
Chase: Tell her…keep her asleep.
House: Thanks. You've all been a huge help.

Dr. House: They're out there, doctors, lawyers, postal workers, some of them doing great, some of them doing lousy. Are you going to base your whole life on who you're stuck in a room with?
Eve: I'm gonna base this moment on who I am stuck in a room with! That's what life is, it's a series of rooms, and who we get stuck in those rooms with, adds up to what our lives are.

Dr. House [to several patients during clinic hours]: You've never seen an after school special? Dawson's Creek? How do you get to thirty and not know about condoms?

Dr. House: If we were to care about every person suffering on this planet, life would shut down.

Dr.House: If we talk about nothing, nothing will change.
Patient: It might.
Dr. House: How?
Patient: Time. Time changes everything.
Dr. House: That's what people say. It's not true. Doing things changes things. Not doing things leaves things exactly as they were.

Pharmacist: I have the sedative.
Dr. Cuddy: A little late.
Dr. House: Just in time.
Dr. Cuddy: What did you give him?
Dr. House: Paralytic.
Dr. Cuddy: Why would you do that?!
Dr. House: Somebody had to stop the screaming.
Dr. Cuddy: Then he is still in pain.
Dr. House: Yeah, but quietly.

Dr. House: Why did you choose me?
Eve: There's something about you. It's like you're hurt too...

Dr. House: People can do good things but their instincts are not good.

Needle in a Haystack (3.13)

Dr. House: [sitting in a wheelchair] My will may be weak, but my backbone is strong. And pain-free, now that I've stopped using the cane. Of course it's harder to look down Cuddy's shirt, but then the vantage point on her ass has much improved. But that's just me: Always looking on the bright side. I'm the guy who said her C-cups are half-full.
Dr. Julie Whitner: They are nice, aren't they?
[House slowly starts to grin]
Dr. House: No, no, no, no, no... you're not gonna win me over that easily.

Dr. House: The only thing I hate more than a thief is a crippled thief.

Dr. Chase [About Stevie, the patient]: Kind of. He’s Romany. Apparently they feel the need to keep secrets so it’s hard to know anything for sure.
Dr. House: Yeah. He’s also a human being. Which means you shouldn’t be trusting him to begin with. Stop relying on his answers and find some on your own.

Dr. Wilson: Ah yes, if it isn’t Dr. Ironside.
Dr. House: Ah, if it isn’t Dr. “I had no friends when I was growing up, so all I did was watch TV by myself which is why I can now make constant pop cultural references which no one understands but me.”
Dr. Wilson: That’s my name, don’t wear it out.

Dr. Foreman: His liver's actually improving. We plug one hole and end up poking another.
Dr. House: Are we talking about the patient, or how to get a raise from Cuddy?

Insensitive (3.14)

Dr. House: Foreman. Your girlfriend wants to know if you're available for Valentine's. Act surprised. What are you doing down here?
Dr. Foreman: There's a snowstorm. ER's short staffed. We're all supposed to be here. You're supposed to be here. And you're an ass. Act surprised.

Dr. House: What's your name?
Hannah: Hannah Morganthal.
Dr. House: You have CIPA, Hannah Morganthal.
Hannah: No, I don't.
Dr. House: We have to do x-rays to make sure you don't have internal injuries. Blood tests to make sure no infections. EEG for neurological anomalies. And... biopsy a spinal nerve.
Dr. Foreman: Whoa whoa whoa. Congenital insensitivity to pain is one of the rarest conditions on the planet. There's only been about... sixty documented cases —
Dr. House: Yeah, and I have... seven reasons to think she's one of them.
Dr. Foreman: She says she's not.
Dr. House: That's reason number one. She knew what it was without us telling her. Two, she's still wet from the snow, but she's not shivering. That's odd. Unless she can't sweat or feel hot and cold.
Hannah: The ambulance was warm. I want to see my mother.
Dr. House: Three, scarring around the lips and tongue. When she was a baby, she would chew on herself without feeling it.
Hannah: I fell through a window when I was a kid.
Dr. House: Four, when you cleaned the wound, she flexed into the cleaner instead of away from it. It's hard to fake pain when you've never felt it. Takes an imaginative leap, Ms. Morganthal. That's one of them Jew names. Ashkenazis are a higher risk group.
Dr. Foreman: One the other hand, she says she doesn't have it. And she'd be dead by now if she'd never been diagnosed.
Dr. House: They killed our Lord. You gonna trust them? She wants to see her mom. If she admits having CIPA, she knows we're not letting her go anywhere without a battery of tests.
Dr. Foreman: You said you had seven reasons.
Dr. House: I pulled a number out of the air. What, five isn't enough?
Dr. Foreman: Five lame reasons aren't. [turns away] I'm taking her to see her mom as soon as —
[House suddenly hits Hannah's good leg with his cane, but Hannah doesn't move]
Dr. House: I can hit her again if six isn't enough.

Dr. House: [to Cuddy] You could have left the scarf at home and just told him you'd be wearing a look of desperation.

Hannah: I wanna see my mother!
Dr. House: Hi again. Not sure I can say this without sounding condescending, but then you'd get the false impression that I respect you, so... you're a kid. You're scared, you're stalling. Grow up.
Hannah: I'm not scared. I'm never scared.
Dr. House: See? How juvenile was that? You can't feel pain - nothing left but pleasure. Why don't you tell me how wonderful that is!
Hannah: It sucks.
Dr. House: Better than being in pain all the time. Get in the chair!
[Hannah stays on the floor, House gets a syringe]
Hannah: Every morning I have to check my eyes to make sure I didn't scratch a cornea in my sleep.
Dr. House: Oh god, stop! I'm in a pool of tears here.
Hannah: I can't cry.
Dr. House: Neither can I. Every morning I check my eyes for jaundice to see if the Vicodin finally shot my liver.
Hannah: I can't run anywhere without examining all my toes for swelling.
Dr. House: I can't run.
Hannah: Boys can't hold me for too long because I can overheat.
Dr. House: Girls can't hold me for too long because I only pay for an hour.
Hannah: I need an alarm on my watch to remind me to go to the bathroom. Do you know how many humiliating experiences before I thought of that?
Dr. House: Bathroom's 50 feet from my office. For every drink of water I weigh the pros and cons.
Hannah: After everything I do, I self-check: Mouth, tongue, gums for cuts, count teeth, check temperature, toes and joints for swelling, skin for bruises...
Dr. House: I got shot.
[Hannah pauses, Cameron and Chase exchange looks]
Hannah: I sat on a stove when I was three. Wanna see the coil marks?
Dr. House: Yeah.
Hannah: Do you think I'm lying?
Dr. House: Do you think I just wanna check out your tucus, as your people would say?
[Hannah gets up and lifts her gown, House gives her an injection, she becomes unconscious]
Dr. House: Put her in the chair and run the damn test. If she moves again, give her nitrous.
[House turns to leave, but Cameron intercepts him]
Dr. Cameron: You weren't shot because of leg pain, you were shot because you're a jerk!
Dr. House: Some think the two are connected.

Dr. Foreman: Any word from House?
Dr. Cameron: No.
Dr. Foreman: Maybe Cuddy will say no.
Dr. Chase: Cuddy never says no.
Dr. Cameron: That's not true.
Dr. Chase: Nobody ever says no - we don't say no!
Dr. Foreman: You don't say no.
Dr. Chase: He'll come back, he'll browbeat us, he'll give us seven reasons and eventually we'll fold. We all will. Not just me.

Dr. Wilson: I am so tired of this. Did you know that the new nurse from Cardiology is sleeping with that weird lawyer from the Board?
Dr. House: The guy with eleven fingers?
Dr. Wilson: He has eleven fingers?
Dr. House: How do you not notice that?
Dr. Wilson: The nurse used to be a man.
Dr. House: She's not anymore?
Dr. Wilson: But we can't talk about that.
Dr. House: I thought we were.
Dr. Wilson: We were supposed to talk about that. I came here to talk about that. But on the way up, I ran into Cameron. You've got a CIPA patient.
Dr. House: Mmm. Tranny nurse is more interesting.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, it's way more interesting. But instead, I've gotta be your damn conscience. I'm tired of being your conscience. I don't enjoy being your conscience.
Dr. House: No one enjoys...
Dr. Wilson: You're studying her.
Dr. House: She's actually sick.
Dr. Wilson: Which you found out after you took her on.
Dr. House: I was curious. Since I'm not a cat, that's not dangerous.
Dr. Wilson: I don't think that metaphor was actually designed to warn cats.

[Dr. Foreman runs into Dr. House's office]
Dr. House: What did the test results say?
Dr. Foreman: Never did it.
Dr. House: Well then do it.
Dr. Foreman: Can't.
Dr. House: Why?
Dr. Foreman: She's gonna jump off the lobby balcony!
Dr. House: Do you think I can catch her?
[Foreman looks shocked]

[House knocks on Cuddy's front door after she's been on a date]
Dr. Cuddy: No...
Dr. House: Need a consult.
Dr. Cuddy: I already okayed your nerve biopsy.
Dr. House: Need an endocrinologist.
Dr. Cuddy: Bennett's on call.
Dr. House: Won't pick up. His cell phone must be broken.
Dr. Cuddy: Mine's working.
Dr. House: Had to give you the file.
[He gives her the file. She looks at it]
Dr. Cuddy: I assume you're thinking thyroid storm. Have you done a hormone panel?
Dr. House: Normal. TSH was on the low side. Is that a cheery fire I hear crackling nearby?
Dr. Cuddy: No. What about CPK enzymes?
Dr. House: Elevated. 275. People light fires for themselves. But then they don't deny it. He's here.
Dr. Cuddy: CPK isn't high enough. Potassium's what you'd expect because of the bronchodilators.
Dr. House: Oh, my God! You're not wearing a bra.
Dr. Cuddy: It's not thyroid storm.
Dr. House: You just met him.
Dr. Cuddy: I like him. And I like sex. Do I need to stitch a letter on my tops?
Dr. House: No. But it might be worth taking out an ad in the local papers.
[Cuddy glances back inside the house, then takes a step outside]
Dr. Cuddy: Do you like me, House? [pause] I was on the phone with Bennett fifteen minutes ago. His cell phone's working. Your MO is to avoid me at all costs. And suddenly, you need my input on every move you make. I can only assume it's because I'm on a date.
Dr. House: When we met, I noticed-
Dr. Cuddy: [interrupts] You noticed he was a Shriner because the way he parted his hair. You noticed he was a mama's boy because of the way he blinked his left eye. I'm not interested. I'm not impressed. There are only two reasons anyone would want to screw with me tonight. Either they're an altruistic, decent person who is worried about my well being... or they want me for themself.
Dr. House: You left out the third option. Evil bastard who just wants to mess with other people's happiness.
[Cuddy smiles]
Dr. Cuddy: Good night, House.
[she closes the door]

Dr. Foreman: [to Cameron] People who avoid commitment are people who know what a big thing it is.

Cuddy: [to her date after speaking to House outside her door] You heard the conversation. But I’m not interested in him.
Cuddy's date: I don’t blame you.
Cuddy: I only said those things [typical insults and comments House would make, and how Cuddy is okay with all of it ] so he wouldn’t come back.
Cuddy's date: I don’t really care about my job. I do it well. I provide a service. But my goal was always to make enough money to do the things I really like. Music. Travel.
Cuddy:I like those things, too!
Cuddy's date:You like them but they’re not really important to you. I don’t know whether it’s House, your job or if you just thrive on conflict but…you should hear yourself when you’re talking to him. Nothing else in the world’s going on. You’re focused, confident, compelling. Don’t… don’t take this the wrong way, but I’d like to go out with that woman.

[continuation of an earlier conversation]
Dr. House: So it turns out... the weird lawyer... knew that she used to be a man.
Dr. Wilson: And he's cool with that?
Dr. House: Turns out that his previous girlfriend also used to be a man.
Dr. Wilson: Ho-ho!
Dr. House: Yeah.

Dr. Cameron: So I’m thinking we should have sex.
Dr. Chase: [confused] That makes sense.
Dr. Cameron: Despite the wisdom of pop songs there’s no point in putting our lives on hold until love comes along. We’re both healthy and busy people, and we work together so it's convenient.
Dr. Chase: Like microwave pizza?
Dr. Cameron: And of all the people I work with you’re the one I’m least likely to fall in love with.
Dr. Chase: Like microwave pizza.
Dr. Cameron: The point here is to make things simpler, not more complicated. Some day there’ll be a time to get serious about someone. Meanwhile, we’ve already had sex once and didn’t get weird about it, so…
Dr. Chase: I get it, I get it. So, what if I’m offended by your judgment?
Dr. Cameron: Then you’re not the man I’m looking for.
[Cameron walks away. Chase shakes his head, then follows her, grinning]

Half Wit (3.15)

Dr. House: [to Cameron and Chase] You two shower together?
Dr. Cameron/Dr. Chase: [together] No!
Dr. House: Double negative - it's a yes.

[Patrick is a musical savant and is currently in an MRI. House is trying to get his mind to work the way it does when he plays piano so he can observe the activity in it.]
Dr. House: Patrick, I want you to pretend that your leg is a piano.
Patrick: My leg's not a piano.
Dr. House: I know, that's why I said pretend. [aside to Foreman] Kid's a moron!

[Cameron walks in House's office with an envelope on her hand]
Dr. House: You come for my feelings? 'Cause I left them in my other pants.
[Cameron takes the paper out of the envelope and holds it out]
Dr. Cameron: This is a letter of recommendation. I'm applying for a job at Penn.
Dr. House: Thank you for writing your own. I'm sure my thoughts are beautifully phrased.
[House signs the letter]
Dr. Cameron: Thank you for signing it. Saves me having to fake your signature.
[he gives the letter back to her and sits back in his chair as she puts the letter back in the envelope]
Dr. House: Stay away from Weiss. He cries with his patients. Holds their hands as they die. He won't like you. Your newfound nonchalance in the face of cancer.
[Cameron stops and looks at House]
Dr. Cameron: I thought you'd find it appealing.
Dr. House: Twenty seconds. Pretty good.
Dr. Cameron: For what?
Dr. House: Time it took you to go from hard-ass to human being.
[House gets up]
Dr. House: You really wanna leave?
Dr. Cameron: If you're not here, there's not much point in staying.
Dr. House: I'm not dead yet.
[Cameron steps closer to House]
Dr. House: What are you doing?
[she gets up close to him]
Dr. House: I know this must be a turn-on for you.
[Cameron kisses him. House rolls his eyes, then he kisses her back. She puts her hand in her pocket. House notices, and grabs her arm, pulling her hand from her pocket, revealing a syringe she had been concealing.]
Dr. House: Little whorish to kiss and stab.
Dr. Cameron: You kissed back.
Dr. House: I didn't want you to die without knowing the feeling. Actually, no woman should die without knowing the feeling.
Dr. House:[After Cameron, as she starts to leave] If you need a sperm sample, come back without the needle.

Dr. House: Dude can't button his shirt. How much more damage we're really talking about?

Dr. House: Do you like your life?
Patrick: What life?
Dr. House: Your life. Playing the piano, going on tour. Scoring girls left and right.
Patrick: I don't like girls.
Dr. House: Boys. Whatever gets you off.
Patrick: [with an excited look] I like the piano!

[Chase walks in House's office]
Dr. House: Your turn?
Dr. Chase: Do you have to do that?
Dr. House: You mean cheapen everyone's attempt at a human moment by identifying the real calculations that go into it?
Dr. Chase: Yeah.
Dr. House: Yeah, I do.
Dr. Chase: I'm sorry you're dying. I'm gonna hug you. Anything to say?
Dr. House: Well, if you're considering grabbing my ass, don't start anything —
[Chase hugs House]
Dr. House: — you can't finish. [pause] Well, as long as we're just standing here, do you mind if we work? How's the kid's treatment going?
[Chase is quiet]
Dr. House: Are you crying?
Dr. Chase: No.

Dr. Cuddy: I'm so sorry.
Dr. House: Forgot I was dying, huh?
Dr. Cuddy: I'm here if you need me.
Dr. House: I need you.
[Cuddy smiles and hugs him, and House takes the opportunity and puts his hands on her ass]
Dr. House: One small feel for man... one giant ass for mankind.
Dr. Cuddy: Thanks. Good luck in Boston.
[Cuddy turns and heads back to her bedroom. House starts to follow her]
Dr. Cuddy: [not turning to look at House] Call the Make-a-Wish Foundation.
[he turns around and heads for the door]

Dr. Foreman: [to House] We just told you you're not going to die! You should be making out with Cameron!

Dr. House: It was an outpatient procedure. I was curious.
Dr. Wilson: Are you curious about heroin?
Dr. House: Not since last year's Christmas party...whooof!

Top Secret (3.16)

Dr. House: I can play the harmonica with my nose, make a penny come out of a child's ear - or any other orifice for that matter - and given the right circumstances bring two women to simultaneous ecstasy.
Dr. Wilson: The right circumstances being their agreement to bill you on the same credit card.

Dr. Wilson: I'm guessing you're longing for either a renewed relationship with your dad... or a new relationship with one of the Village People.
Dr. House: He was in the Navy, not the Marines.
Dr. Wilson: I thought your dad was in the Marines.
Dr. House: The guy in the Village People.
Dr. Wilson: Actually, he's only in the Navy when they sing "In the Navy". The rest of the time, he's just in generic fatigues.
[House looks at him]
Dr. Wilson: What? You brought it up.

Dr. Cameron: Why is he here instead of the VA?
Dr. House: Because he has a rich uncle Cuddy's trying to avoid fellating who doesn't buy the VA's diagnosis of "nothing's wrong-atosis."

Dr. House: Do a full physical. Recheck his blood for HIV, hep C, malaria, schistosomiasis, and T strain A. baumannii just to make sure the VA's dotted their I’s. And find out every hospital and clinic he's ever visited, every city he's ever lived in, and... whether he's ever been on TV.
Dr. Cameron: TV?
Dr. House: Problem could be neurological. Everyone knows TV rots your brain.

Dr. House: ...And you [he points to Cameron] call [the patient's] uncle back. Find out if he ever brought his nephew to any hospital parties or fundraisers.
Dr. Cameron: No. Not until you give me a reason.
Dr. House: Because... I'm your boss?
Dr. Cameron: A rational reason, or at least admit that you don't have one.
Dr. House: I've got a full bladder, and I'm not afraid to use it.
Dr. Cameron: But you are apparently afraid of discovering something you can't rationally explain--
Dr. House: [Snapping] Shut up! [Cameron looks shocked] Do what you're told! Cuddy and Wilson may not have to listen to me, but you do. [He leaves the room]
Dr. Cameron: [to Chase] What the hell was that all about?

Dr. Chase: You were wrong about the "nothing's wrong-atosis". You can fake fatigue and joint pain but you can't fake bacterial vaginosis in your mouth.

Dr. House: Get to the truth about who he's been dating. There's no way a Marine goes a year without getting any blood on his bayonette.

Dr. Cameron: We confess. You caught us. We snuck into one of the sleep lab rooms to have sex. We shouldn't have done it while we were supposed to be working, and we're sorry. Now can we move on?
[Foreman laughs]
Dr. Foreman: House'll do Wilson before you'd do Chase.
Dr. Cameron: No, you would do House and Wilson before I do Chase. Now can we get back to work?
Dr. Chase: She did me once!
Dr. Foreman: She was stoned!

Dr. House: I need a prescription.
Dr. Wilson: I just wrote you a prescription.
Dr. House: For Vicodin. I need alfuzosin.
Dr. Wilson: No, you don't. Have you figured out where you met your Marine?
Dr. House: What? Oh, that. Haven't really thought about it. I can't pee.
Dr. Wilson: You can't remember him, can you?
Dr. House: I can't pee.
Dr. Wilson: So stop taking the Vicodin.
Dr. House: I wanna pee and not be in pain.
Dr. Wilson: Why don't you go to sleep?
Dr. House: I don't pee when I'm asleep.
Dr. Wilson: Maybe you'll dream about him again. Maybe he'll give you an address.
Dr. House: I haven't peed in three days.
Dr. Wilson: [ignoring] I read that REM sleep is the brain's way of working out problems.
Dr. House: Very useful. Did you hear what I just said?
Dr. Wilson: Yeah, you lied because you want to avoid talking about your obsession.
Dr. House: I'm not obsessing.
Dr. Wilson: Why don't you just ask him?
Dr. House: [shouts] I haven't peed in three days!
Dr. Wilson: You'd be dead.
Dr. House: I'm not counting intermittent drips.
Dr. Wilson: You'd be in agony.
Dr. House: I passed agony yesterday around four.
[House takes more Vicodin pills; Wilson sighs and writes a prescription for House]

Dr. House: [to a deaf patient in critical situation] John, John! We are going to figure out what is wrong with you. First we need to know one thing: Have you ever appeared in any pornos?

Dr. House: [while urine is spilling onto the floor out of a bag attached to House's leg] It's a urine catheter collection bag with a rip in it, what the hell does it look like?

Dr. House: I've been thinking about you. You lied.
Dr. Cuddy: I didn't lie. I simply chose not to share completely irrelevant facts.
Dr. House: Like the fact that you lied. No wonder I couldn't place his face. You were practically swallowing it on the dance floor.
Dr. Cuddy: I was not.
Dr. House: Talk about the cool uncle. He donates the money, and the nephew gets the write-off. And, of course, by write-off, I mean he gets to put your ankles —
[Cuddy taps him on his chest]
Dr. Cuddy: [interrupting] This is exactly why I didn't mention our one date over two years ago.
Dr. House: Because of my T-shirt.
[she pulls House to the side]
Dr. Cuddy: Because you are an obnoxious ass. Because you would have spent the whole time —
Dr. House: That's very smart. 'Cause this way, I spent my whole time completely focused on the patient.
Dr. Cuddy: How did you even remember him? We were only at that party for, like, ten minutes.
Dr. House: Is this some new health plan? You service the Dean of Medicine, and you get free health care for a year?
[Cuddy smiles]
Dr. House: Why are you smiling?
Dr. Cuddy: You remembered him because he made out with me.
Dr. House: I'm good with faces. So, this plan, is it open to anyone? Is there a co-pay?
Dr. Cuddy: You're lousy with faces.
Dr. House: Don't make this about me. This is your humiliation. So how much for private room coverage?
Dr. Cuddy: Get over me.
Dr. House: Give me a break! You hired me —
Dr. Cuddy: — 'cause you're a good doctor who couldn't get himself hired at a blood bank so I got you cheap.
Dr. House: You gave me everything I asked for because one night I gave you everything y —
Dr. Cuddy: Stop staring at my ass when I'm not looking, showing up at restaurants where I happen to be on a date and fantasizing about me in the shower. That ship sailed long ago, House. Get over it. [turns around and walks away]
Dr. House: If you're still referring to your ass, I think "that super-tanker sailed" would be a more precise metaphor.
[Cuddy turns back at House and laughs, while he smiles conspicuously and retreats back into his office]

[Chase and Cameron are making out in the supply room as the door opens and House turns the lights on, carrying some file folders. He looks around, then walks right between them]
Dr. House: Sorry. I was looking for an extra-large trash can.
[he dumps the file folders in the trash bin, turns and leaves the closet, closing the door behind him]
Dr. Chase: Since when does he clean anything up?

Fetal Position (3.17)

Dr. House: Mom's body is like…the intricate German metro system. All the trains run on time. She gets pregnant, it's like…a new station opening in Düsseldorf. A bunch of rookies running things. Bound to be mistakes. Kids play on the tracks and get electrocuted, and before you know it, trains are backed up all the way to Berlin and you got a bunch of angry Germans with nowhere to go. And we all know that ain't good for the Jews…
Dr. Chase: Ah…who are the Jews in this metaphor?

Dr. Cameron: I've read the outcome of mirror syndrome is almost always unfavorable.
Dr. House: Unfavorable... is that doctor-speak for "dead baby"?

Dr. Cuddy: You want to paralyze Emma Sloan's baby?
Dr. House: Lemme guess...Cameron.
Dr. Cuddy: Cameron and Chase both had their concerns.
Dr. House: No, Cameron had concerns. Chase just agreed with her because he didn't want to lose his all-access pass to her love rug.
Dr. Cuddy: They're sleeping together?
Dr. House: If by sleeping together you mean having sex in the janitor's closet...
Dr. Cuddy: Here?
Dr. House: No, the janitor's closet at the local high school. Go Tigercats! Do you have one of those camera phones? 'Cause I got a MySpace account.
Dr. Cuddy: I will deal with them after I deal with you.
Dr. House: Oh c'mon... let's gossip some more. I'm sure she's into bondage.

[Foreman, Cameron, and Chase are examining a photo of House taken by Emma]
Dr. Foreman: This is definitely different.
Dr. Chase: It looks almost like...
Dr. Cameron: ...he's caring.

[House is about to inject a fetus with a paralytic]
Dr. Cuddy: The baby won't feel a thing.
Dr. House: Fetus. I'm lowering expectations. It works here and on dates.

Dr. Cuddy: Dr. Cameron. Dating Chase... can only end in one of two ways.
Dr. Cameron: House told you?
Dr. Cuddy: You get married and live happily ever after, or somebody gets hurt and you two can't work together, and I have to fire somebody.
Dr. Cameron: I would hate to see my personal life become such a burden to you.
Dr. Cuddy: I'm telling you this for your own good.
Dr. Cameron: Well, I assume you're gonna have this same conversation with Chase for his own good.
Dr. Cuddy: Chase isn't the one that's gonna get hurt here.

Dr. Cameron: [through the hyperbaric chamber's phone] My social life is my social life.
Dr. House: Couldn't agree more. What goes on in the privacy of a janitor's closet is nobody's business except —
Dr. Cameron: [Cuddy] told me to end it. Is that what you want?
Dr. House: I was actually hoping she'd fire one of you.

Dr. Cuddy: What are you doing?
Dr. House: Well, you're trying to be me, so I thought I'd try to be you.
Dr. Cuddy: You don't have the cleavage for it.
Dr. House: But I have a much tighter ass.

Dr. Cameron: Anybody gonna stop [Cuddy]?
Dr. Chase: Stopping the madness is her job.
Dr. Foreman: Somebody's gotta be Cuddy's Cuddy.

Dr. Cuddy: Did you give corticosteroids to speed the baby's lung development?
Dr. House: No, I dropped an anvil on its chest to prevent lung development! I'm trying to extinguish the human race one fetus at a time.

[a fetus' hand grabs House's finger and he stares at it]
Dr. Cuddy: House.
[House looks at Cuddy]
Dr. House: Sorry. I just realized I forgot to TiVo "Alien".

Airborne (3.18)

Crying girl: I want my blankie! I want my blankie! I want my blankie! I want my blankie!
Dr. House [on a wheelchair] Antique vintner's cane. It cost me $900.
Dr. Cuddy: It had a corkscrew in it.
Dr. House: Ah, that would explain the "vintner's" reference.
Dr. Cuddy: Could be used as a weapon against the pilot.
Dr. House: Only if you stuck it in a bottle of Zinfandel.
Dr. Cuddy: You'll get it back when we land.
Crying girl: I want my blankie! I want my blankie!
Dr. House: [to the mother] Give her 20 milligrams of diphenhydramine, it could save her life. 'Cause if she doesn't shut up, I'll kill her.

Dr. Cuddy: The room service thing was just spiteful.
Dr. House: I was hungry.
Dr. Cuddy: $300 for a bottle of wine.
Dr. House: I was thirsty.
Dr. Cuddy: $120 on video services.
Dr. House: I was lonely.
Dr. Cuddy: That's $500 in expenses I can't justify.
Dr. House: Don't worry. I'll take care of it.
Dr. Cuddy: Right.
[they arrive at the first class cabin of the plane, where House gives his ticket to a stewardess]
Stewardess: Welcome aboard, Mr. House, you're right here in 2A.
[House sits on his place, while the stewardess checks Cuddy's ticket]
Stewardess: Ms. Cuddy, you're in the next cabin and to the left, 9C.
Dr. Cuddy: No, I booked two first-class tickets. This must be a mistake.
Dr. House: No mistake. Just arranged for a $500 fare reduction. Expense problem solved.
[Cuddy sighs and goes to the next cabin]

[House is simulating the conditions back at the hospital to help him make a diagnosis]
Dr. House: [pointing at boy] Can you say... [Australian accent] 'Crikey, mate'?
Kid: [Confused but playing along] Crikey, mate.
Dr. House: Perfect. No matter what I say, you agree with me, okay?
Kid: Okay...
Dr. House: Nicely done... You, disagree with everything I say.
Indian man: Sorry, not understanding.
Dr. House: That's close enough. And you, get morally outraged with everything I say.
Woman: [disgusted] That's permanent marker, you know.
Dr. House: Wow, you guys are good.

Dr. House: Nobody speak Korean on this flight?
Dr. Cuddy: I assumed you did.
Dr. House: I know how to ask if his sister is over eighteen, I don't think that's gonna help.

Dr. House: You're pregnant.
Girl: I'm what?
Dr. House: Explains the nausea, abdominal pains, fever. And why you're stuffing your 36C's into a 34B bra.
Dr. Cuddy: And her rash?
Dr. House: PUPPPs. A common pregnancy rash.
Girl: I can't be pregnant.
Dr. House: You a virgin?
Girl: No, but—
Dr. House: You're pregnant. Mazel Tov.

Dr. House: Happens often in high anxiety situation, especially to women. I know it sounds sexist, but science says you’re weak and soft. What can I do?

Dr. Cuddy: What about syphilis?
Dr. House: Well, first of all, he apparently speaks a language that no one else speaks, which makes talking up the ladies a little rough.
Dr. Cuddy: We're flying out of Singapore. If he had a credit card and a condom, he could get anything he wants!
Woman: Ew.

Dr. Cameron: Nice catch.
Dr. Chase: Thanks.
Dr. Cameron: Think even House would be impressed.
Dr. Chase: I don't know about that.
Dr. Cameron: Any idea how you want to celebrate?
[She smiles at him, however he doesn't smile back]
Dr. Cameron: What?
Dr. Chase: I want more.
Dr. Cameron: I thought you were getting a little worn out, but—
Dr. Chase: That's not what I meant.
Dr. Cameron: I know. I was just hoping you'd take the hint and pretend you never said that.
Dr. Chase: I want this to be more than it is.
Dr. Cameron: I thought we were clear.
Dr. Chase: In the beginning, but you can't tell me you—
Dr. Cameron: [Interrupting] Yes, I can. And I don't. It was... fun. That's it. And now it's over.

Cuddy: House, if you don't know how to diagnose an illness, it really doesn't help to gather a bunch of people who don't know how to diagnose the illness.
House: It does on Wikipedia.

Act Your Age (3.19)

Dr. House: Panty hamster get a spin on its wheel?

Dr. House: Do you want the tickets or not?
Dr. Wilson: Why don't you want to go with me?
Dr. House: It's a play. Dudes only go to plays if they're dragged by women they're hoping to see naked.
Dr. Wilson: So why are you giving them to me?
Dr. House: Maybe there's someone you want to see naked.

Dr. House: You're trying to have sex with Cuddy.
Dr. Wilson: [eating] ...Fries?
Dr. House: You took her to a play; you only take women to plays because...
Dr. Wilson: No, you only take women to plays for that reason.
Dr. House: Okay, then why did you take her to a play?
Dr. Wilson: She's a friend.
Dr. House: A friend with a squish-mitten.
Dr. Wilson: It is possible to have a friend of the opposite sex without...
Dr. House: Blasphemer! She's not a friend of the opposite sex, she's a different species; she's an administrator, she's gonna eat your head after she's done.
Dr. Wilson: Yes, I slept with her.
Dr. House: [Mouth open in disbelief] Seriously?
Dr. Wilson: No.
Dr. House: [Trying to catch Wilson lying] Yes you did.
Dr. Wilson: [Quietly] Yes, I did.
Dr. House: Seriously?
Dr. Wilson: No. You've got a problem, House.

Dr. House: Never is just 'reven' spelled backwards.

Dr. House: [to a patient with shy bladder syndrome] I'm going to ask you for some blood.
Male Patient: Why?!
Dr. House: To see if your answer will be "I can't bleed in public."

Dr. Cuddy: [after Wilson received flowers with a card seemingly signed by Dr. Cuddy] What's up with Wilson?
Dr. House: He's just a little freaked.
Dr. Cuddy: Why?
Dr. House: I sent him flowers.

Dr. House: [to a little girl in a daycare] Do you have hair on your special place?

Dr. House: Guy gets a little something-something. Couple of kids have to die. Circle of life.

Dr. Cuddy: So many people ... so much energy and drama just trying to find someone who's almost never the right person, anyway. It just shouldn't be so hard.
[Slight pause]
Dr. House: I got tickets to a play.

Dr. Cameron: If menstruating is a sign of brain cancer then I should be on chemo right now.
Dr. House: That's ridiculous. You're way too skinny to be menstruating.

House Training (3.20)

Dr. House: There's a lot of porn piling up on the Internet. It doesn't download itself!

Dr. Wilson: [to House] I'm not getting sucked into the vortex of your insanity again.

Dr. House: What's life without the ability to make stupid decisions?

Dr. House: [to Wilson's ex] Did you just compare Wilson to a tampon?

Dr. House: Who's the better James Bond, Sean Connery or Daniel Craig? [patient is unable to respond] Oh come on, that's not even a decision.

Dr. House: First, "Hector does go rug" is a lame anagram. You want a better anagram for "Gregory House"? "Huge ego, sorry."

Dr. House: Guilt is irrelevant.

Dr. Chase: [to Dr. Foreman after the mistake] We are all wrong, you know. Even House was wrong.
Dr. Foreman: I know.

Dr.Wilson: [Talking about his ex-wife] The market's doing badly; she's moving into a condo. She wants me to take Hector.
Dr.House: Poolboy?
Dr.Wilson: Dog.

Family (3.21)

Dr. House: Oh, goodness! I left my door open! My poor dog must've run away and been hit by a car, or truck... or train... an anvil...
[House looks, Hector's still there.]
Dr. House: (sarcastically) Thank're still here... (yelling) He's still here!
[House looks around and notices something missing.]
Dr. House: Where's my stereo?

Dr. House: What is the point in being able to control people if you won't actually do it? It's like training a dog, then letting him go on your rug, which, by the way--
Dr. Wilson: Once Foreman got his mitts on them, there was no way--
Dr. House: You didn't explain chances of probabilities, you lied to them! And told them Foreman's a moron, which isn't even much of a lie right now.
Dr. Wilson: You gotta talk to him.
Dr. House: I got no problem with what Foreman did...
Dr. Wilson: He undercut us, and may have cost that kid his life--!
Dr. House: Foreman did what he thought was right, you, on the other hand, sucked out! When the decision really mattered you didn't have the guts to tell him what to do! If that kid dies, it's because Foreman was wrong and because you're a coward! [He leaves Wilson standing in the corridor, shocked.]

Dr. Wilson: Why don't you buy your canes at a medical supply store like a normal cripple?
Dr. House: Fewer bitchin' choices.

Cane salesman: This is one of our top sellers. [shows House a new cane with a silver skull on top]
Dr. House: A little too "Marilyn Manson in the retirement home."

[Cane salesman shows House another cane]
Dr. House: Cool.
Cane Salesman: Genuine bull penis stretched over a metal rod.
Dr. House:…Penis canes are murder.

[House slams down new cane, a gloss black model with red and yellow flames painted on the bottom.]
Dr. Cameron: Flames?
Dr. House: Makes it look like I'm going fast.

Dr. House: Once we know what the infection is, we'll know exactly how to treat it. As long as he isn't dead yet, we're cool.

Dr. House: Any more questions while your son's life slips away?

Dr. Cuddy: Do you have anything to add to this debate?
Dr. House: Wilson's right, Foreman's wrong, your shirt is way too revealing for the office.

Dr. Wilson: I treat patients for months, maybe years, not weeks like you.
Dr. House: I'm taller.

Dr. House: Pride and shame only apply to people we have a vested interest in, not employees.

Dr. Foreman: You'll save more people than I will. But I'll settle for killing less. Consider this my two weeks notice.

Dr. House: [To Nick and Matty's parents] You have only one decision to make. You can leave here with one dead son, or two.

Resignation (3.22)

Dr. House: Good morning! This is funny: People don't...
Dr. Cameron: I'm not done reading. Go away.
[a few seconds later]
Dr. House: Good morning!
Dr. Chase: Not yet!

[Foreman just signed his resignation]
Dr. Cuddy: Good luck.
Dr. Foreman: Thank you.
Dr. House: That's it? You're not gonna tell him that we're family and families don't abandon each other?
Dr. Cuddy: (to House) Do you want me to?
Dr. House: No.
Dr. Cuddy: (to Foreman) Would it make any difference?
Dr. Foreman: No.
Dr. Cuddy: Good luck, Dr. Foreman.

Dr. House: Personally, I can't believe I've had the same three employees for three years.

Dr. Wilson: [after being grilled by House because he's on antidepressants. Gestures towards him] This is why I take them.
Dr. House: They're antidepressants, not "anti-annoyanceants"!

Dr. Chase: Why's Foreman quitting?
Dr. House: He wants to breed llamas.
[House turns and leaves]
Dr. Chase: Interesting!
[House turns around]
Dr. Chase: You're ashamed of the reason, too!

Dr. Wilson: You tried bargaining with [Foreman]? Give him a raise?
Dr. House: How much do you think it would cost to make him wanna be like me?

Dr. Chase: Labs indicated minute traces of blood.
Dr. House: Can't ignore the blood because it's a minority. Can we, Foreman?

Dr. House: [Entering an exam room] You're cheating on Honey.
Male patient: What?...No! I'm not.
Dr. House: Yes, you are.
Honey: It's okay. I get it.
Dr. House: I was gonna say "relax", but oddly enough you seem pretty relaxed already.
Honey: You're accomplished. You're funny. You can have whatever you want. Women are gonna...
Dr. House: He's not cheating with another woman. He's cheating with another food group.
Honey: What?
Dr. House: His floaters float, because they are full of fat. Probably had a big cheeseburger for lunch.
Honey: You're eating flesh?
Male patient: It's just a hamburger. Not all the time...
Honey: You're disgusting.
Male patient: Soy tastes like cardboard. Unsalted cardboard.
Dr. House: I'm accomplished. I'm funny. Can I have whatever I want?

Dr. Wilson: How did you walk with the cane and two coffees?
Dr. House: Why are you suspicious?
Dr. Wilson: Because it's either that, or accept the fact that you've done something nice, and then I have to deal with the horsemen, and the rain of fire, and the end of days.
Dr. House: I stacked them.

Dr. Wilson: [on speed] I'm late for a breast thing. Listen, you know he wants you, you know he's good, you know he can make you good... I don't know what I'm saying! You know what I'm saying, and you know I'm right. I gotta go.
Dr. Foreman: ...

Dr. Wilson: [to a patient, after he realizes that House has dosed him with amphetamines] Excuse me. I have to go kill someone.

Dr. Wilson: You dosed me!
Dr. House: Yes, I did, but only because you didn't trust me - your best friend!
Dr. Wilson: You could have killed me!
Dr. House: Amphetamines wouldn't kill you.
Dr. Wilson: You don't know my medical history! I could have... I could... You could've given me a heart attack!
Dr. House: A heart attack wouldn't kill you, You were in a hospital!
[Dr. Wilson yawns]
Dr. House: Aha! You yawned!
Dr. Wilson: Aha! You tried to kill me!
Dr. House: I put you on uppers and you still yawned. Means it's a symptom of being a big fat liar! Yawning is a side effect of some antidepressants, apparently the ones you're on.
Dr. Wilson: I'm not on antidepressants, I'm on SPEEEEED!

Dr. Wilson: [Flying on speed] Give me a Vicodin so I don't stroke.
[Wilson grabs a cup of coffee.]
Dr. House: I...wouldn't drink that.
[Wilson looks at him quizzically.]
Dr. House: Leg hurt and...[Points in general direction of bathroom, then at coffee, then shrugs. Wilson sighs exasperatedly.]

Dr. House: You dosed me!
Dr. Wilson: It worked. You've been happy!

Dr House: I wasn't happy. I was hazy.
Dr Wilson: You were happy.
Dr House: Hazy.
Dr Wilson: Happy.
Dr House: HAZY!!
Dr Wilson: Oh, right! A dying girl mistook hazy for happy because dying people see happiness everywhere!

Patient's mom: Dr. House... Can we call you? Just... Err... In case we have any questions.
Dr. House: No.
[House turns his back to the patient's parents and go away]

Dr. House: I'm on antidepressants because a doctor friend of mine thinks I'm miserable. I don't like them. They make me hazy. I eat meat, like drugs, and I'm not always faithful to the women I date.
Honey: You don't seem depressed.
Dr. House: You do realize you just skipped over several deep character flaws that most women would run screaming from?
Honey: You told the truth.
Dr. House: Yeah... I don't always do that either.
Honey: Well, how miserable can you be saving lives, sleeping around and doing drugs? [Smiles]

[Dr. House is proud for having diagnosed a protein deficiency on a patient, arguing "It can't be tested; it can't be seen"]
Dr. Foreman: [Disgusted] You're happy about this.
Dr. Cameron: She's going to die!
Dr. House: That's not my fault, she was going to die anyway. Now, thanks to me, at least she'll know why.
Dr. Chase: I'm sure you'll see that gratitude in her eyes when you tell her.

Dr. Chase: (to Foreman) Why won't you tell me why you're leaving?
Dr. Foreman: I don't like you. Never have, never will. Want me to share some more?

The Jerk (3.23)

Chase: Does your head still hurt?
Nathan: Are you a moron?
Nathan's Mom: Nate!
Nathan: I'm clutching my head in pain and he asks if it hurts. [Turns to Chase] What are you, some kind of med student? You look like you still have themed birthday parties.

Dr. House: [to Dr. Cuddy] Oh, I almost forgot, I need to give a 16-year-old patient magic mushrooms to treat cluster headaches. That cool?
Dr. Cuddy: [sarcastically] No problem.
House smiles and walks out. Cuddy panics and runs out after him
Dr. Cuddy: I was being sarcastic!
Dr. House: It wouldn't look that way in the court transcripts!

[Nathan is high on magic mushrooms prescribed by House]
Nathan: [he looks at Chase and chuckles] Hey! Hey, it's Skippy! The Bush Kangaroo!
Dr. Chase: Your head, Nate, we need to know how the pain is.
Nathan: What I got here... it's the opposite of pain.

Nathan: Hey, Dr. X, I know you busted ass trying to save me...
Dr. Foreman: No, it's okay.
Nathan: I wasn't going to thank you. I was just going to say you really suck at this.
Dr. Foreman: We're doing our best.
Nathan: That's sort of my point. Your best really sucks.

Dr. House: You are one evil cunning woman. It's a massive turn on.

Dr. House: Kid's not a cliché. Anyone can get in a fight after losing. It takes real creativity to beat up someone you just beat.

Nathan: [To Dr. Foreman] Do people watch what they say around you?
Dr. Foreman: Why? Because I'm black?
Nathan: No, because you're gay.

Nathan: [to Cameron, while high] Oh, man, you're hot. She's makin' me horny!
Dr. Chase: Deal with it.
Nathan: Hey, hey, hey! You can't get me stoned then not close the deal.
Dr. Chase: Shut up!
Dr. Cameron: Take it easy; he's not in his right mind.
Nathan: You're going to regret turning me down. Check it out.
[opens his robe to flash Cameron]
Dr. Chase: Oh, for God's sake!

Nathan [to House, when he enters with the chess-board]: Who are you?
Dr. House: Doctor MacCaney!

Dr. Chase: And it's Tuesday.
Dr. Cameron: I know.
Dr. Chase: I like you.
Dr. Cameron: I know. See you next Tuesday.

Human Error (3.24)

[House is defending his firing of Chase]
Dr. House: Sorry. You're in the wrong room. My name on the door, my team, my decisions.
Dr. Cuddy: My building, my floor, my people!

[After Esteban has called him several times during the night]
Dr. House: Did you give an angry Cuban my home number?

[Marina has just revived after her heart stopped a day ago]
Marina: [weakly] Esteban?
Dr. House: Holy crap...
Marina: Is this Heaven?
Dr. House: No, it's New Jersey.
Estaban: God sent you back to me! It's a miracle!
[House looks to the heavens in a pleading manner]

Dr. Cameron: Short of a miracle, there is no way she could have revived.
Dr. House: Why does God get all the credit whenever something good happens?! Where was he when her heart stopped?

Dr. Cameron: Her blood pressure is rising.
Dr. House: So is mine. But I am doing battle with a deity.

Dr. House: Just one more surgery, and you'll be fine.
Marina: Thank God!
Dr. House: Don't make me slap you!

Dr. Chase: Foreman’s not going anywhere.
Dr. House: He said that to you?
Dr. Chase: He doesn’t really want to leave. And you don’t really want to let him. You’ll cave, just like you did with Cameron.
Dr. House: Foreman’s not as easy as Cameron. (Pauses) But, of course, who is?
Dr. Cameron: I’m in the room!

Season 4

Alone (4.01)

Dr. Cuddy: Two surgeries for multiple fractures and burns-
Dr. House: I was thinking the broken bones are a response to the building falling on her head.

Dr. House: Can't take the case. I don't have a team.
Dr. Cuddy: [holds up resumes] So hire a team.
Dr. House: What for? I don't have a case.

[Cuddy pulls the guitar cord out of the amp]
Dr. Cuddy: You've spent the last two weeks doing absolutely nothing. Concert's over.
Dr. House: In what twisted universe does mastering Eddie Van Halen's two-handed arpeggio technique count as absolutely nothing?

Dr. House: Imagine that the roof of the storage closet collapses on your favorite floor buffer, which then starts overheating.
Janitor: Why would I have a favorite floor buffer? [House looks at him] Okay... maybe the electrical works got banged up in there from stuff falling on it.
Dr. House: Hmm, interesting. Brain damage leading to hypothalamic disregulation. Nah, if you're brought in covered with rubble it's all about the MRI's, we would've seen that. C'mon! Gotta earn that fiver.
Janitor: Or stuff [points to his bottle of cleaning fluid] leaked in the holes, messin' it up.
Dr. House: Lacerations lead to multiple portals for infection. Bacterial would've responded to the antibiotics, [indicates "fever" written on the white board] it's too high for viral. Parasites or fungus is possible.
Janitor: Or maybe lupus. [House stops writing and stares at the guy] My grandma has lupus.
Dr. House: Okay, autoimmune. I'll run a lupus panel. Infection fits best. [picks up his cane from the board] A complete history would be helpful, which leads to the worst part of the job: dealing with the floor buffer's family.

[House found the patient's hidden diary while searching their house]
Dr. Wilson: What does the diary say?
Dr. House: It's basically a list of her sexual encounters. Boys, girls, vibrating appliances.
Dr. Wilson: If it was you'd be quoting. That's summarizing.
Dr. House: It's a parade of sad banalities: can hardly get out of bed, feeling blue. Then, three months ago it turns into a parade of happy banalities: starting to turn the corner, job's looking up.
Dr. Wilson: We can stop swabbing, her clichés are getting healthier.

[After House has sent the janitor to get the family to sign a consent form]
Ben Prosner (patient's boyfriend): He's a janitor?!
Dr. House: More significantly, a blabbermouth.
Dr. Cuddy: House, shut up!

Dr. House: Don't you have a patient?
Female ER doctor: She shot herself in the leg while high on meth. Would it hurt her to be in pain for a little while?

Dr. House: Are you a fan of symmetry?
Female ER doctor: Sure.
Dr. House: Weird. 'Cause your eyes are lopsided. And by "eyes" I mean breasts.

Dr. House: ARDS and crush syndrome, both reactions to severe trauma. Why can't she have both?
Female ER doctor: Because... because then there's nothing we could do.
Dr. House: Boy, you remind me of someone.

Dr. Cuddy: Where did you come from?
Dr. House: Apes, if you believe the Democrats.

Dr. House: You test drive a car before you buy it; you have sex before marriage. I can't hire a team based on a ten minute interview. What if I don't like having sex with them?

Dr. House: [Speaks while strumming his guitar] Sometimes, I am wrong. I have a gift for observation, for reading people and situations, but sometimes, I am wrong. This will be the longest job interview of your life. I will test you in ways you will often consider unfair, demeaning and illegal, and you'll often be right. Look to your left, and now look to your right. By the end of six weeks, one of you will be gone, as well as twenty-eight more of you. Wear a cup. [Plays a note]

Dr. Wilson:Which restaurant are you taking me to?
Dr. House: [to Dr. Wilson] Oh, [maneuvers his car towards the patient's house] this one's homier. [Dr. Wilson is silent] Dibs on the cold pizza. [Clips a disabled sign to the rear-view mirror, then gets out]

The Right Stuff (4.02)

Dr. House: Who is this man? Come on, take a shot! I'm not gonna fire you every time you give a wrong answer.
Applicant #23: Neville Chamberlain?
Dr. House: You're fired.

Dr. House: As far as you're concerned, the patient is Osama bin Laden, and everyone not in this room is Delta Force. Any questions?
Applicant #11: We're protecting Osama bin Laden?
Dr. House: It's a metaphor. Get used to it.

Dr. House: Got a problem with the naked female form?
Applicant #32: Not at all.
Applicant #13: Maybe she's just not used to seeing it spooning with the naked dolphin form.
Dr. House: That's not a dolphin, it's a porpoise. There is a difference you know.

Dr. House: [after seeing Dr. Chase walk past] Did you just see a blond guy with a pretentious accent?
Applicant #24: Can't see an accent.
Dr. House: Good point.

[Dr. Cole refuses to participate in a drinking test to check their patient's liver status because he's a devoted Mormon]

Dr. House: Would you or would you not pull an ass out of a pit on Sabbath?

Dr. Cuddy: From now on, everything you do gets charted. With pen. On Paper. In a binder that says "Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital" on the cover.
Dr. House: [Whining]Moooomm!
Dr. Cuddy: If you want to run something through the labs, I get a copy. If you do scans, I get a copy. If you think about doing scans, I get a copy.
Dr. House: You know my current thoughts, right? I don't have to put those on paper.

Dr. House: Number 10, you're fired.
Applicant #10: She told you?
Dr. House: Well, it had to be someone who went to her home. Number 26 is half-asleep, missed his afternoon nap - obviously he doesn't feel guilt. Number 2 is here on a visa, she can't jeopardize...
Applicant #10: You can't know...
Dr. House: And... that chick [Applicant #24] has been pointing at you since I walked in.

Dr. House: I fired you!
Applicant #6: [wearing his number upside down] No, you didn't.
Applicant #24: He fired you. You're number 6.
Applicant #6: No, I'm not. I'm number 9.
Dr. House: I approve of your shamelessness. You're still fired.

Dr. House: Vitamin D is metabolized by both the liver and kidneys, it wouldn't tells us which one screwed up.
Applicant #6: We could get her wasted. Give her shots of tequila measure how long it takes her to pass out. If it's too fast it means her liver's not processing alcohol, means it's shot.
Dr. House: I like you, number 9.

Dr. House: So tell me about the magic underwear.
Applicant #18: Is that why you're here?
Dr. House: I'm the big drinker, doing my part for science. The interesting question is why your religious beliefs are suddenly less important than her dreams.
Applicant #18: You're reversing your argument?
Dr. House: I know what I believe, I'm just not quite sure what you believe.
Applicant #18: Well LDS doesn't try to dictate every detail of our lives. When a situation isn't clear, we're encouraged to make our own decisions.
Dr. House: But your judgement was to say no. You used my judgement.
Applicant #18: You made a good argument.
Dr. House: Rational arguments don't usually work on religious people. Otherwise there wouldn't be religious people.
Applicant #18: You're an atheist.
Dr. House: Only on Christmas and Easter, the rest of the time it doesn't really matter.
Applicant #18: Where's the fun in that? A finite un-mysterious universe?
Dr. House: It's not about fun, it's about the truth.

Applicant #18: She was having trouble breathing, refused oxygen and intubation.
Dr. House: So you put her on a treadmill...?
Applicant #13: Records will show that we gave her oxygen as part of a routine cardio stress-test. She gets to breathe, you boss gets her paperwork.
Dr. House: Whose idea was that?
Applicant #13: It's a joint decision.
Dr. House: It never is.

Applicant #18: The problem is not the surgery, it's the scars. And we have a plastic surgeon here who can hide them.
Applicant #39: Not that well. NASA's gonna check every cranny.
Applicant #"9": I say we just put ether in her oxygen and do what we have to do.
Applicant #2: She'll sue.
Applicant #24: For what? Making it harder for her to lie to the government?
Applicant #39: We don't have to hide them. We give her elective cosmetic surgery. The incisions will give us access to her lungs and she's got an innocent explanation for the scars.
Applicant #2: You mean like liposuction?
Applicant #39: No, those incisions are too far from the lungs. We don't subtract, we add. Turn her B's into C's
Dr. House: It's a myth that fake hooters blow up at high altitude. She'll be fine. Just think of it as one giant rack for mankind.

Dr. Cuddy: You bumped a splenectomy for a boob job?
Dr. House: Would you condemn this woman to a life where people look at her face when they talk to her?

Dr. House: [After meeting Cameron in the ER] The blonde hair makes you look like a hooker. I like it.

Dr. House: [introducing the patient to the team] Heeeeeeeeeere's Osama!

Dr. House: Issue #3 [Stares angrily at Applicant #6] Come on. [Gestures towards the back of the hall, Applicant #6 leaves]

97 Seconds (4.03)

Dr. Volakis: He said he'd be here by three, he's obviously not coming. [removes her runners bib and starts to leave] I'm going home.
Dr. Jeffrey Cole: Nobody follow her. She "pied pipered" nine people right out of a job last week.

Dr. House: If you're gonna try to take yourself out, why use electricity? You could eat a bullet, or jump off a building...
Dr. Wilson: I love the team thing, by the way.
Dr. House: ...or bury yourself alive in Cuddy's cleavage.
Dr. Wilson: Teamwork, collaboration, all for the greater good.
Dr. House: It would've been a suicidal gesture, as opposed to an actual attempt.
Dr. Wilson: Interestingly, the "rain in Spain" doesn't actually fall in the plain all that much.

Thirteen: Patient has spinal muscular atrophy. It's genetic, incurable. This is not a diagnostic mystery.
Dr. House: You have just given a state secret to the enemy.
Thirteen: What enemy?
Dr. House: New patient, new rules. Today you're gonna split yourselves into two teams. The first to figure out what's threatening to deprive the patient of the twenty or so miserable years he's got left with SMA gets to keep their jobs. Take off your numbers, you look stupid. I think I know who you are by now.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Wait, how do you want us to split up?
Dr. House: Good question [pauses, forgetting Dr. Kutner's name] ...overly-excited former foster kid. There's ten of you, I was thinking six against six. No, wait...
Twin 15A: How 'bout women versus men.
Dr. House: Excellent suggestion... fat twin. More interesting than "evens versus odds", less interesting than "shirts against skins". If your sex organs dangle - you're the confederates. If your sex organs are aesthetically pleasing - you're the yanks.
Dr. Volakis: Dr. House, I'd like to be on the men's team.
Dr. House: Do your sex organs dangle, cutthroat bitch?
Dr. Volakis: Not yet.

Dr. Henry Dobson: We're not okay.
Dr. Volakis: I get it - you don't like me because maybe I'm a little bit competitive.
Dr. Dobson: Manipulative.
Dr. Kutner: "Cutthroat bitch" is your official title.

Dr. Wilson: Now would have been an excellent time to lie!
Dr. House: Hi, Greg House.

Dr. House: Cervical lymph node is a garbage dump. Very small one; just one truck comes; and it only comes from one home. Al Gore would be appalled.

Dr. House: [To the patient who electrocuted himself] I check this little box and your new roommates are Jesus and Crazy McLoonybin.

[Dr. House walks into Dr. Cuddy's office and sits down. There is long pause.]
Dr. Cuddy: Why are you here?
Dr. House: My office is being used by my teams.
Dr. Cuddy: Teams?
Dr. House: ...Which means this is the only place where you can yell at me.
Dr. Cuddy: You have teamS?
Dr. House: Two of them. I wanted to deal with the yelling today because I noticed what you were wearing and I wouldn't have to listen all that closely.
Dr. Cuddy: You can't make a competition out of patient care.
Dr. House: Without competition we'd still be single-celled organisms. Can I go now?
Dr. Cuddy: Not until after the yelling. What's wrong with him?
Dr. House: I have seven of the finest minds on it, along with three very special-
Dr. Cuddy: You wouldn't be doing this unless you already knew-
Dr. House: Ah-ah, if I tell you, you tell them. Game's over.
Dr. Cuddy: If you know you are obligated to treat-
Dr. House: Well, then in that case I don't know. Why would a a guy voluntarily shove a metal object into an electrical socket?
Dr. Cuddy: I'm getting closer and closer to finding the answer. What would happen if I shut down this game?
Dr. House: I'd fire them all, hire forty new fellowship applicants, and start the game all over again.

[Dr. Chase and Dr. Cameron are leaving, when House confronts them in the lobby]
Dr. House: [to Chase] I can have you fired!
Dr. Chase: You already had me fired.
Dr. House: Just proves that I can.
Dr. Chase: Were the men wrong?
Dr. House: No. That doesn't change the fact--
Dr. Chase: Why are you yelling at me?
Dr. House: Because, performing tests for someone who is not a doctor in this hospital--
Dr. Chase: You're frustrated. You want help, I'm here. If you just need to vent... leave a message. [Chase leaves]
Dr. Cameron: I like him better like this. You?

Dr. House: :[Yelling through Wilson's office door] HEY WILSON! I'M GOING TO CUT A CRIPPLE'S EYE OUT! WANNA WATCH?!
[Dr. Wilson opens his door and looks at Cuddy and House]
Dr. Wilson: Good times.

Guardian Angels (4.04)

Dr. House: [over the phone from his office] Goooood morning, Angels. As you will see from the file, we have quite the interesting case. Not often you get a patient who sees dead people.
Dr. Kutner: What file?
Dr. House: What the hell? I gave it to Bosley a half-hour ago.
Dr. Cameron: [enters House's office carrying a coffee] It was not a half-hour, it was ten minutes, and he made copies of the ER records first. [starts to give the coffee to Dr. House]
Dr. House: Less lip, more whip. I only agreed to take this case because you said that this mocha frappalicious would have whip on it.
Dr. Cameron: Fine, I'll refer the case to Foreman.
Dr. House: Can't. Mercy fired him.
Dr. Cameron: [surprised] He got fired?
Dr. House: Disobeyed his superior officer under fire. He's lucky he wasn't executed.
Dr Cameron: How do you know about it? Are you keeping tabs on him?
Dr. House: Girls talk.

Dr. Taub: [asking if Dobson isn't a doctor] You said one of us wasn't a doctor, and you called him a fraud.
Dr. House: He's not a doctor. Continue, Bos.
Dobson: Could be an STD...
Dr Taub: Why isn't he fired?
Dr. House: [starts randomly pressing buttons on the phone] Oh, you're breaking up! I'm going into a tunnel.

Dr. House: Dark Religious Nut,...
Dr. Cole: [surprised] What did you call me?
Dr. House: I'm sorry. What do you want to be called this week?
Dr. Cole: Cole.
Dr. House: Well, I'm never going to remember that. Take Bosley and the other visible minorities to the funeral home. The rest of you young, white people - the world is your oyster. An MRI with contrast, EEG, LP and blood panel. And Angels, be careful. [hangs up]

Dr. Cameron: [about Dr. Cole] Just because he's religious, doesn't mean he won't kick your ass.
Dr. House: You wanna bet?
Dr. Cameron: No, I want you to stop being such a jerk to him.
Dr. House: One hundred dollars.
[Dr. Cameron stops leaning on the desk]
Dr. House: Smart call. That guy's a wuss. He'll be the next one on the train.
Dr. Cameron: Define "kick your ass".
Dr. House: Any physical confrontation...
Dr. Cameron: ...Or verbal.
Dr. House: Define "verbal".
Dr. Cameron: Anything over... 70 decibels. And you can't start suddenly being nice to him!
Dr. House: You realize what you're encouraging here?
Dr. Cameron: [smiles] Yeah, someone kicking your ass.

Dr. Cole: What do you want us to do?
Dr. House: The question is... what would Joseph Smith do?
Dr. Cole: This isn't the time for--
Dr. House: Casting out the demons?
Dr. Cole: The patient's not possessed, she's dying. You can mock me tomorrow.
Dr. House: You believe that the book has all the answers.
Dr. Cole: To morality, not science!
Dr. House: But the book is inconsistent with science. Do you know how many epileptics were tortured because they were "possessed"? How many teenage witches were stoned to death because they took mushrooms?
Dr. Cole: Just shut up already! We've got a patient dying!
Dr. House: You either gotta prescribe an exorcism, or admit to me that Smith was a horny fraud--
[Dr. Cole turns around and punches House in the face, to the shock of everybody in the room.]
Dr. Volakis: [after a moment of silence] I know what she has.
Dr. House: You couldn't have spoken up ten seconds ago? You could've saved me a hundred bucks.

[The fellows are in the lecture room talking to House via phone]
Dr. Cole: Ethanol could have psychoactive effects...
Dr. House: Bosley, tell whoever's talking that he's an idiot. [Dobson begins to stand up, but then stops. There is a long pause] Bosley, either tell him he's an idiot, or tell me why I'm wrong.
Dobson: [to Dr. Cole] You're an idiot.

Dobson: The disease [mad-cow disease] could be spread by brain tissue.
Dr. House: Which is very cool. Run with it.
Dr Brennan: So because the answer might be cool, you want us to do a brain biopsy on a 24-year-old woman?
Dr. House: No, because is something cool I want you to do a brain biopsy on a 48-year-old dead guy.

Dr. House: Don't think of it as digging up a body, think of it as keeping another one from getting buried.

Dr. Volakis: Dr. Cuddy? I'm Amber Volakis, one of Dr. House's new fellows...
Dr. Cuddy: [interrupting her] Sexual harassment claims go through HR, stress-related leaves through workers' comp., and any accusations of criminal activity go directly to the Princeton-Plainsboro Police Department.

Dr. Taub: Enlarged spleen and liver failure are classic AIP. It's porphyria and it's moving fast.
Dobson: PBG's were negative. If you read the report-!
Dr. Taub: PBG tests are only conclusive if done during an attack, which you would know if you were a real doctor!
Dr. House: That is just great!
Dobson: What is?
Dr. Taub: Which one of us is?
Dr. House: Both of you, together. Fighting, passionate to prove the other one wrong. You couldn't care less about the patient, but it all works out the same.
Dr. Volakis: [eagerly] I hate Thirteen.
Dr. House: Not as productively.

Dr. Cameron: How's it going?
Dr. House: Great. The only way he [Dr. Cole] could turn any more cheeks is by pulling down his pants.
Dr. Cameron: He's not a wuss. It takes a lot more strength to-
Dr. House: We didn't bet on how strong he was.
Dr. Cameron: So you're going a collect a hundred dollars and fire him because he has principles?
Dr. House: What's your agenda here? You obviously don't care about the hundred.
Dr. Cameron: He's a decent, smart-
Dr. House: You don't care about the team.
Dr. Cameron: Does it annoy Wilson when you ask questions and ignore the answers?
Dr. House: Very much. You only care about who I hire and who I fire because you miss going through my mail. You can't stop controlling me.

Dr. House: I'm a jerk to everyone. Best way to protect yourself from lawsuits.

Dr. Cuddy: Doctor's lounge is covered in mud.
Dr. House: Thirteen and Cutthroat Bitch had a disagreement and the cafeteria was all out of jell-o.
Dr. Cuddy: There were pickaxes. Either you had them dig up a body, or you're building a railroad.

Dr. House: You guys don't wipe your feet when you come in the house? [hands Dr. Taub a mop] Doctors' Lounge, let's go.
Dr. Taub: Why me?
Dr. House: Well, I can't ask the black guy or one of the chicks to do it; it'd be insensitive.

Dr. House: Just a little piece of the brain. Seemed a waste; the guy wasn't using it anymore.
Dr. Cuddy: That's your defense? 'We Just dismembered him?'

Dr. Cuddy: How many of them agreed to dig up a grave?
Dr. House: Six. But don't worry, the one who didn't didn't stand on principle. He just had a diaper to change. I really think there are no bad choices in this group.

Mirror Mirror (4.05)

Dr. House: [about Sweden] Any country with that low an age of consent but that high a rate of suicide isn’t thinking straight.

Thirteen: [The patient's] car was towed, and the tow gate's locked. Guys must be out on a run.
Dr. House: That's why I sent two of you: one of you breaks in. The other posts bail.
Thirteen: Getting arrested is not what I'm worried about.
Dr. House: Not a problem. You know how to kill dogs, right?

Dr. House: [in the clinic waiting room] Who here doesn’t have any health insurance? [many people raise their hands] None? None at all? Michael Moore was right. MRI’s, PET scans, neuro-psych tests and private rooms for all these patients. Fight the power!

Dr. House: War doesn't end until Foreman's gone.
Dr. Cuddy: Foreman's not going anywhere.
Dr. House: And I know when my Vicodin isn't Vicodin. Do you know when your birth control pills aren't birth control pills?

Dr. Foreman: [To Dr. House] Giovannini's?
Dr. House: Do you know any other mirror syndromes?

Dr. House: [To Dr. Kutner] You've electrocuted yourself and set a patient on fire. I like the dedication.
Dr. Kutner: Thank you.
Dr. Taub: It wasn't a compliment.
Dr. House: Yes it was. Now comes the insult; YOU'RE INSANE!

Dr. Cuddy: [dropping Foreman off to join House's new team] But Dr. Foreman will be my eyes and ears. You do nothing without his knowledge.
Dr. House: Oh, just in case I need them, where exactly will Dr. Foreman be keeping my balls?

Dr. House: I decided you were right. You're obviously in an impossible position. There's no point in me humiliating you.
Dr. Foreman: Thanks.
Dr. House: ... so I'm gonna humiliate Cuddy - until she fires you.
Dr. Foreman: The guy's faking. It's Munchausen's. You noticed the EMT runsheet? The paramedical that brought him in is also named Martin Harris.
Dr. House: Well, if the name was Atilla von Wienerschnitzel, I'd say you might be onto something.

[Cuddy and House are talking to the patient who is always "mirroring" the most powerful person around him, trying to figure out if Cuddy or House are more powerful]
Dr. Cuddy: Hi, I'm the Dean of Medicine.
Dr. House: Hi, I'm the guy who saved your life.
Dr. Cuddy: I can fire him. I can fire him now. I can fire him tomorrow. I don't even need -
Dr. House: She doesn't fire me. She never WILL fire me. She needs me -
Dr. Cuddy: He's a good doctor, that's all. I respect his expertise and I -
Dr. House: She's hot for me.
Patient: Shut up.
Dr. Cuddy: Well, that could have been either of us.
Patient: You have great ya-boos.
Dr. Cuddy: [Trying] Still could have been either of us.
Dr. House: [Smiles] You lose. [Starts victory dance]
Dr. Foreman: Damn.

Whatever It Takes (4.06)

Dr. House: [to the CIA agent recruiting him] If I have to walk somewhere, there better be at least five girls involved. And they’d better be working their way through college.

Dr. House: Horse chestnuts may look like chestnuts, but they taste like a horse’s lower-than-chest-nuts. Which makes the idea he accidentally ate a couple hundred slightly less persuasive.

Dr. House: [First walking trough the CIA building] Looks a lot better on 24. [Sees Dr. Terzi after walking into her office] I take that back.

Dr. Terzi: This is Dr. Sidney Curtis from the Mayo Clinic, he's also agreed to help with the diagnosis.
Dr. Curtis: [shakes hands with House] Dr. House.
Dr. House: "Curtis on Immunology" Sidney Curtis?
Dr. Curtis: [pleased] Oh, you've read it?
Dr. House: Nope, but it is keeping my piano level.

Dr. Terzi: I'm afraid there are going to be some limitations on his medical history. Just let me know what you need and I should be able to provide it.
Dr. House: FYI, my malpractice insurance doesn’t cover alien autopsies.
Dr. Terzi: That's fine. X-Files are in the next wing over.
Dr. Curtis: Where was the agent when he first fell ill?
Dr. Terzi: Sorry, that's classified, but assume there aren't too many places in the world John hasn't been and yes - "John"'s a cover name.
Dr. Curtis: And what makes you think it was an attempt on his life?
Dr. Terzi: Sorry, I can't tell you that either.
Dr. Curtis: Well, what can you tell us?
Dr. House: Yeah, did Oswald really have sex with Marilyn Monroe?

House: Who were you going to kill in Bolivia? My old housekeeper?
Dr. Terzi: We don't kill anyone.
House: I'm sorry - who were you going to marginalize? If it is my housekeeper, she has it coming. Cleaning the windows means cleaning both sides. Am I right or am I right?

Dr. Wilson: I was wondering when you'd grow bored of avoiding my calls.
Dr. House: Oh, I could never grow bored of ignoring you. What's the latest protocol on Waldenström's?
Dr. Wilson: Where are you?
Dr. House: CIA headquarters. How much fludarabine do you need?
Dr. Wilson: Either you're sprawled naked on your floor with an empty bottle of vicodin or collapsed naked in front of your computer with an empty bottle of Viagra. Please tell me which because Chase has another pool going.
Dr. House: They flew me in to help deal with a sick employee. How much-?
Dr. Wilson: [interrupting] Hallucinations. Damn! I shouldn't have bet on the Viagra.

Dr. House: You know, I have a position available on my penis - wait a second, I think I screwed up that joke.
Dr. Terzi: You're offering me a job?
Dr. House: I'd settle for that.
Dr. Terzi: As tempting as a position on your staff is, I like it here.
Dr. House: Pays better. And we've only had one assassination attempt
Dr. Terzi: And I'm sure you're a great boss, that's why your fellows left en masse a few months ago. [House looks awkwardly at her] I have satellite images.

Dr. House: You’ve got to get down here – they have a satellite aimed directly into Cuddy’s vagina. I told them the chance of invasion is slim to none, but…

Dr. Curtis: He [House] should be brought up on charges!
Dr. House OK, relax, I'll take your book out from under my piano.

Dr. Cameron: When - when you were dying, you tried to infect me, because you knew I'd fight for you if I thought I was dying, too.
Dr. Foreman: You're bringing this up now so I'll forgive you for messing with my patient?
Dr. Cameron: I'm happy I changed jobs. But, I know I'll never have that sort of... excitement.
Dr. Foreman: You miss people trying to kill you?
Dr. Cameron: No, I miss people doing whatever it takes to get the job done. [slight pause, Foreman nods] I guess that's why I'm having trouble giving it up.

Dr. House: You make a good point. I've been wrong every time, and she still won't listen to you. So either she [chuckling] really likes me or she really hates you. And I got a ride in the jet.

Dr House: I know how to kill a guy with my thumb.
Dr Cuddy: Who doesn't?

Ugly (4.07)

Dr. Taub: [to House] Some of us pop pain pills, I cheat. We all have our vices.

Dr. House: [about Dr. Terzi] I think she might be an idiot.
Dr. Wilson: Who?
Dr. House: She can't be an idiot! She's in the CIA, for god's sake!
Dr. Wilson: The Bay of Pigs was a daring triumph?

Dr. House: You’re right about me being wrong and wrong about you being right.

Dr. House: Wow you're ugly.
Kenny: Wow you're an ass!

Dr. Wilson: Well it's great how he rebounded from that setback.
Director: [off screen] What setback?
Dr. Wilson: He didn't tell you about the...? Well, it's his right. The records were sealed. Personally, I think he was just tapping his foot and reaching for the toilet paper. Obviously, it was a witch hunt.
Director: You think they singled him out because...
Dr. Wilson: No, literally. It was a witch hunt. Doctor House is a practicing Wiccan. It's a beautiful religion. Very caring...
Dr. House: [entering off screen] (to the director) Hey hey hey! You have access to the case, not my favorite fives.

House: She's making me an idiot.
Wilson: That's cute. You have a crush.
House: No, I think it's something systematic.
Wilson: Thirteen's pretty. You're obviously okay with her.
House: She killed a patient.
Wilson: The bitch is pretty.
House: The bitch is a bitch.
Wilson: Ask her out.
House: The bitch? She's a bitch.
Wilson: No, the one that's making you an idiot. It's the story of life. Boy meets girl. Boy gets stupid. Boy and girl live stupidly ever after.

Dr. Cuddy: You think I like the cameras? You think I want the whole world watching you check out my ass and question my wardrobe?
Dr. House: Would it be better if I checked out your wardrobe and questioned your ass?
Dr. Cuddy: A little part of me...
Dr. House: [interrupting her] There is no little part of you.

[The movie crew is interviewing Cameron in the ER while she works on a patient]
Director: Before you worked in the ER you worked for House, right?
Dr. Cameron: Three and a half years.
Director: Why did you leave?
ER Patient: Hey, I - I don't want to be on TV. I'm not signing a release.
Director: We'll blur you out.
Dr. Cameron: [to the patient] Take off your pants.
ER Patient: [to the director] Will you be able to use any of this if I start swearing?
Director: Did House treat you as badly as he treats his current fellows?
Dr. Cameron: Loaded question.
ER Patient: Faaaarrrkk! [chuckles] That's not even a word. [giggles] Fork!
Director: [sarcastically] Very clever.
Dr. Cameron: I learned how to be a doctor from House. Or, at least a doctor who learned to be a doctor from House, if that makes any sense.
Director: And you left his team because... you couldn't stand him anymore?
Dr. Cameron: [distracted] No, no, I - I love Dr. House.
Director: [surprised] Now that's something we haven't heard.
Dr. Cameron: I mean, [slight pause] what did you ask me, again?
Director: Why you left.
Dr. Cameron: [confused, stuttering] I - I loved being... around him. Professionally, you know he was always... stimulating [realising what she just said] - not in the erotic sense of the word!
ER Patient: [giggling] Fork. They forked. And then they spooned.

Dr. House: I became a doctor because of the movie Patch Adams.

Dr. House: Also, my eyes look better in rooms with summer colors.

Dr. House: We can try and pretend we're above it or we can try and intellectualize it away, but ultimately, shiny, pretty, perky things are good, [pause] and ugly, misshapen teenage boys are repulsive.
Director: The question was, "Do you resent Dr. Cuddy's interference in your practice?"
Dr. House: Oh. Well then I guess my answer wasn't very helpful, was it?

Dr. Taub: There's a mass lesion in the left anterior temporal lobe surrounded by edema.
Dr. House: Did you just insult me in Pig Latin?

Dr. Wilson: Where'd you get those keys?
Dr. House: Blew the janitor.
Dr. Wilson: What?
Dr. House: That's his name.
Dr. Wilson: His name's Lou!
Dr. House: ...Owe him an apology.

Dr. Kutner: Are we gonna be on TV?
Dr. House: No I'm auditioning for my own music video.

Dr. Wilson: Wait rewind that.
Dr. House: What? Did you miss something.
Dr. Wilson: No. When she leans over I think you can see through her shirt.

Dr. House: Dr. Terzi you're fired. [Long pause]. So... you wanna have dinner, catch a movie?

You Don't Want To Know (4.08)

Dr. House: I noticed a trend: if no one does anything, sick people often get sicker.

Dr. House: You let her greedy fingers right into my cookie jar. Which, sadly, is not as dirty as it sounds.

Dr. House: I finally have a case of lupus.

Dr House: What's your blood type?
Magician: Type A...but...
Dr. House: Trust me, it is WAY better to know.

Dr. House: We can all applaud the doctor who is willing to break all the rules, but the real hero is the unsung doctor, toiling in anonymity [hits a string in the air], because he broke the rules without getting caught. I need to know you have these skills. I need you to bring me the thong of Lisa Cuddy. [the fellows stare at him in disbelief] Not kidding. [the fellows continue staring] Thong. Cuddy. Go.
[the fellows turn to Foreman]
Dr. Foreman: [resigned] That's how I got hired.

Taub: [Discovers rabbits in the patients home] Tularemia.
Kutner: [With his back turned] No, you'd have to have rabbits.
Taub: True. Maybe a tick jumped from a rabbit onto one of these white fluffy alligators.

Thirteen: [Sarcastically] Yeah, I've been here 8 weeks because my subscription to Masochism Weekly ran out.

Dr. House: Actual magic is oxymoronic. [pause] Might not even be oxy.

Magician: The man dislocating his shoulder. [pointing at Kutner] Tell the man next to you to come up.

Kutner: I saw this magician last night...
Dr. House: The girl's fine, he didn't really cut her in half.
Kutner: His heart stopped while he was hanging upside down in a water tank.
Dr. House: A drowning man's heart stopped, that is a mystery.

Dr. House: Foreman, she's not wearing underwear.
Dr. Foreman: Big deal. If she stops wearing clothes then we can drop the medical stuff.

Dr. House: [Before doing surgery on a magician] Nothing up my sleeves. Nothing in my pocket. There's something in my pants, but it's not going to help with this trick.

Dr. House: Hypothetical situation, a woman drops something in public and instead of laughing it off she gets nervous and erratic.
Thirteen: Maybe she's nervous because she didn't do her spelling homework. [House stares at her] In my hypothetical she's 8.

Thirteen: [Talking about House] What did you do to him?
Dr. Cole: Amber's nickname is Cutthroat Bitch and you're blaming me.

Dr. House: OH MY GOD! You're not wearing underwear!
Dr. Cuddy: [Embarrassed] Of course I'm..
Dr. House: [Interrupts] Skirt that tight you got no secrets. Skirt that tight I can tell if you've got an IUD. You seen Dr. Cole?
Dr. Cuddy: [Blushing] No..
Dr. House: You're blushing.
Dr. Cuddy: [Not looking at House] I am not..
Dr. House: Look at me.
[Cuddy looks at House]
Dr. House: OH. MY. GOD!!!
[Cuddy walks away quickly]

Magician: People come to my show because they want a sense of wonder. They want to experience something they can't explain.
Dr. House: If the wonder's gone when the truth is known, there never was any wonder to begin with.

Magician: The wonder is in not knowing. [House appears to cut the magician's IV line, the magician looks worried]
House: The wonder is in knowing. [He shows the magician his intact IV line, showing that he cut a piece of plastic tubing]

Magician: (exclaims) Oh! Oh my head! Oh!
House: What's wrong? Are you okay?
Magician: Oh! I'll be fine. Oh! Just need to take a couple of these Vicodin. (pretends to have a pill bottle in his hand, and pours out two real pills in his hand, and looks at it...House pulls out his actual pill bottle, and shakes it, hearing nothing shaking in it)

Games (4.09)

Dr. House: [Yelling over the music played to induce a seizure in the patient] Remind me of your influences here. I’m gonna say, Thelonious Monk and the sound a trash compactor makes when you crawl inside it.

Jimmy Quidd: Maybe purposelessness is my purpose.
Dr. Volakis: Mission accomplished.

Dr. House: You're not taking the long view.
Dr. Foreman: The one where we stuff another patient in a body bag?
Dr. House: Nope, if we're wrong it'll come pretty fast. The long view is the one where we pick the best team; that way we can use all those bags we save for grocery shopping.

Dr. Volakis: Drug addicts use drugs is a stereotype? "Drugs are bad" is a stereotype? Losers lose is-
Thirteen: Malaria.

Dr. Taub: Don't care about the patient.
Thirteen: You care about this job more than you care about his life?
Dr. Taub: I care about my wallpaper more than I care about his life.
Thirteen: Okay, you're jerking me around. There's no reason to be a doctor if you don't care about-
Dr. Taub: I care about life, I just don't care about his.

Dr. House: What makes you so sure that drugs are a mask for something else?
Thirteen: Drugs are always a mask for something else.
Dr. House [pauses] That's the dumbest thing I have heard in my life.
[Thirteen leaves, House awards her extra points on the scoreboard]

Dr. House: [to Dr. Cuddy, when asking for her opinion as to which doctors he should keep] You're a bureaucratic nightmare, a chronic pain in the ass, and a second-rate doctor at best...
Dr. Cuddy: Am I blushing?
Dr. House: ...but, you do know this stuff.

Dr. Taub: Where is everybody else?
Dr. House: Clinic's been quarantined. A patient came in with avian flu-like symptoms. And 50 extra dollars in spending money.

Dr. Volakis: Does Foreman being here mean the game's over?
Dr. House: It means the patient's life is almost over. You can call it what you want.

Dr. Wilson: Dying's easy. Living's hard.
Dr. House: That can't possibly be as poignant as it sounded!

Dr. House: Amber! Please stand.
Dr. Volakis: You didn't call me a bitch... is that bad?

Dr. House: You only have three choices in life: be good, get good or give up. You've obviously gone for column D. [Turns to the patient] Why?
Jimmy Quidd: I don't know.
Dr. House: The simple answer is "If you don't try, you can't fail"

[Amber sees "17" written under her nickname]
Dr. Volakis: I have 17 points?
Dr. House: Well, I started you all out on 100, and you blew up part of the building.

It's A Wonderful Lie (4.10)

Dr. Kutner: Can we do a "Secret Santa"?
Dr. House: I liked you better fifteen seconds ago when you were afraid for your job.

Dr. House: There's a reason that everybody lies: it works. It's what allows society to function. It's what separates man from beast.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, I thought that was our thumbs.
Dr. House: You wanna know every place your mom's thumb has been?
Dr. Wilson: I'm sorry, I missed rehearsal, am I taking the "truth is good" side? Don't you usually take that side?
Dr. House: Lies are a tool - they can be used either for good or- no, wait, I've got a better one: Lies are like children: hard work, but they're worth it because the future depends on them.

Dr. Cuddy: You owe me 50 bucks.
Dr. House: And you owe me half a lap dance.

Dr. House: [walking with Wilson] Where're we going?
Dr. Wilson: Nowhere, I just know it hurts you.

Dr. House: I wanna hire 40 more fellows.
Dr. Cuddy: You already fired the ones you hired?!
Dr. House: They work better when they're scared.
Dr. Taub: [enters] You were right, the guy slipped her ecstasy.
Dr. House: Showing any symptoms?
Dr. Taub: No. Kutner's starting her on hemodialysis and Thirteen's in the lab trying to figure out what the guy put in the drugs. [leaves]
Dr. House: [annoyed] See! A clear, simple statement of facts describing their cooperation with absolutely no attitude of fear.
Dr. Cuddy: [deadpan sarcastic] Something's gotta be done.
Dr. House: Oh yeah!

Dr. House: The notion of picking one time of year to be decent to other people is obscene because it’s actually validating the notion of being miserable wretches the rest of the year.

Dr. House: I saw something amazing: pure truth. She told her mother that she was dying. Stripped her of all hope.
Dr. Wilson: [haltingly] That sounds... horrible.
Dr. House: It was like watching some... bizarre astronomical event you know you're never gonna see again.
Dr. Wilson: You tell people the cold, hard truth all the time. You get off on it.
Dr. House: Because I don't care. She cared, she did it anyway. She did it because she cared.
Dr. Wilson: [sarcastically] The angels of Christmas have finally given House a present he can appreciate.
Dr. House: Oh, don't ruin it. Don't pin this on Christ, he's got enough nails in him.

Dr. House: Why don't you take that thing off that hat!
Dr. Wilson: It's's a reindeer.
Dr. House: It's a moose on a Jew.
Dr. Wilson: Who cares? [He makes the hat's left antler flap.]

Dr. House: [rolls his eyes] Are you a doctor? Did you go to med school since the last time I asked?
Jane: You just think we gotta be lying-
Dr. House: [cuts her off] White lies?
Jane: What are those?
Dr. House: Those are lies we tell to make other people feel better.
Jane: I don’t lie.
Dr. House: Rationalizations?
Jane: What are those?
Dr. House: Those are lies we tell to make ourselves feel better.

Dr. Taub: Try bondage.
Dr. House: I did once. She just tied me down and whined about how hard it is to be Dean of Medicine.

Dr. House: Do you spell "homie" with a y?
[Foreman looks at him questioningly]
Dr. House: I want to be respectful.

Frozen (4.11)

Foreman: [After Wilson explains House's courtship rituals] Oh my God! He's been wooing me for years!

Dr. House: [To Wilson] You, for some reason, are happy.
Dr. Wilson: [sarcastically] How dare you!

Dr. House: Oh great, I can't get cable but I get the South Pole on hi-def.

Dr. House: Come on, Cate, let's get this over with.
Dr. Wilson: [he mutes the microphone on the webcam] You used her name.
Dr. House: Just trying to move things along, Bob.

Dr. House: You're wearing that shirt for someone.
Dr. Wilson: The health department. They frown on topless oncology.

Dr. House: Cutthroat bitch?!
Dr. Wilson: Well, I just call her Amber.

Dr. Kutner: [in response to House asking what is the right answer] ...I love you?

Dr. Wilson: Why am I here?
Dr. House: Because I wanna ask you about your girlfriend. I must know who she is, or you would’ve told me her name.
Dr. Wilson: She doesn’t have a name, it’s some sort of... birth defect.
Dr. House: There’s only about 12 people we both know. I can’t remember 5 of their names. So we’re down to Cuddy, your ex wives...
Dr. Wilson: Your mama.

Dr. House: See all the good things that happen when you listen to me?

Don't Ever Change (4.12)

Dr. House: [To Dr. Wilson] You don't like strong. You don't like assertive. You like needy. She's not dying is she?
Dr. Wilson: Yes. Now go away.

Dr. House: Religion is a symptom of irrational belief and groundless hope.

Dr. House: People don't change. For example, I'm going to keep repeating "People don't change."

Dr. Taub: She's nuts, but we can't just give her 10 cc's of atheism and send her home.

Dr. Kutner: In college, I was really into science fiction. But not like the guys with the six-hundred-dollar prosthetic ears who could swear in Romulan.

Yonatan Arnoff: The more you know someone, the more you should love them.

Thirteen: No one can describe themselves in ten words. Why would we wanna hear anyone else do it?

Dr. Foreman: People who have a problem with boxes are people who don't fit in them.

Dr. House: She's not me. Well, she is me. But that's... not why she's attractive. She's a needy version of me.
Dr. Wilson: Hard to imagine such a mythical creature.

Amber Volakis: Hi Greg. I call you Greg because we're now social equals.
Dr. House: And I call you Cutthroat Bitch, well, quod erat demonstrandum. And I speak in Latin because I don't try to hide what an ass I am.

[Amber leaves House and Wilson at the bar while she complains to the restaurant's host about the long wait for a table]
Dr. House: Look, now she’s going to hit him in the face with your testicles.
Dr. Wilson: She tends to treat…She tends to treat every event like it’s the last copter out of Saigon.
Dr. House: She’s the Anti-Wilson. A force for evil.
Dr. Wilson: She has an annoying quality. Perhaps even two. If I was perfect, I’d date perfect.
Dr. House: You like that!
Dr. Wilson: It’s annoying, but she’s good at it.
Dr. House: Wait a second, this isn't just about the sex. You like her personality. You like that she’s conniving. You like that she has no regard for consequences. You like that she can humiliate someone if it serves…[his eyes widen, long pause] Oh my God! You’re sleeping with me!

Dr. Cuddy: Are you sure she [Amber] doesn't wanna just take you back to her lair, hang you upside down, and deposit her eggs in you?
Dr. Wilson: Excellent disguise, House.

Dr. Kutner: Saw Amber drop off Wilson this morning.
Dr House: Yeah the male always drives the female.

Dr.House: I wrote it in black, I'm always serious when I use black.

Dr. Wilson: [To Dr. House] C'est la vie, and I use the French because you're an ass.

Dr. House: You will trust my diagnosis, you'll let me treat her because in this temple, I'm Dr. Yahweh!

Dr. House: If you do change, can't it be the part of you that chases me down the halls trying to change me?
Dr. Wilson: Do you know what this means?
Dr. House: That you've made ONE good dating choice. The fabric of the space-time continuum could unravel.
Dr. Wilson: My whole world could expand. I could form a long term connection that isn't with you. And since you put the darkest possible construction on everything, you could end up losing a friend. You've thought of all this, and yet you're going along with it. Are you being self-sacrificing?
Dr. House: I'll sacrifice a lab rat, I'll sacrifice a fly, I'll sacrifice $200 on a mudder at Monmouth Park. I don't sacrifice self.

Dr. House: Solve this case and the job is yours.
Amber Volakis: Is there a "Drop Wilson" clause attached to this?
Dr. House: Standard contract all employees sign.
Amber Volakis: Why do you have to believe I have an ulterior motive?
Dr. House: For the same reason I believe that crack whores can have sex… for crack.
Amber Volakis: All my life I thought I had to choose between love and respect. And I chose respect. And with Wilson… I know what it's like to have both. And that beats a fellowship.
Dr. House: You've changed.
Amber Volakis: I hope so.

Dr. Cuddy: So alcoholics that successfully go through treatment don't exist.
Dr. House: They're still alcoholics. If they never take another drink as long as they live only 'cause they didn't live long enough.

No More Mr. Nice Guy (4.13)

Dr. Taub: (to House) You were wrong.
Dr. House: Why does everyone say that with such pleasure? It's very hurtful, you know.

Dr. House: If you want to stop car accidents, take out the air bags and attach machetes pointing at their throats. No one will go over three miles an hour.

Dr. House: I didn't invite you to be nice; I invited you because bowling isn't one of the two things guys do by themselves.
Dr. Chase: What's the other?
Dr. House: Other hand.

Dr. House:I want joint custody.
Amber: Of Wilson?
Dr. House: Unless we have another love child?

Dr. House: [to Dr.Cuddy]: That top makes you look like an Afghani prostitute.

Dr. House: What you want you run away from, what you need you don't have a clue, what you've accomplished makes you proud, but you're still miserable. Please Sign.

Dr. House: Taub and Thirty-One…
Thirteen: Thirty-One?
Dr. House: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that either way was good with you.

Dr. House: [to Cameron]: Is he Canadian?
Dr. Cameron: He's a low priority.
Dr. House: Is that a yes?

Dr. House: I wish the best for them [Wilson and Amber], and their tragically deformed children.

Dr. Wilson: You two are like dogs circling each other in the park, [to Amber] and I say that with all the love in the world. You need to sniff each others butts, bare your teeth and arrive at some strange detante, otherwise you'll end up biting each other's eyes out, [to Amber] again: all the love in the world.
Dr. House: [To Amber] I'll let you sniff first.

Dr. Cameron: Are you comparing House to Hitler?
Dr. Chase: Oh God.
Dr. Cameron: Just because I don't think he's Hitler doesn't mean I slept with him. I don't sleep with everyone who's better than Hitler.

Living the Dream (4.14)

Cuddy: Why is House driving a limo?
Foreman: Don't know.
Cameron: Don't have to know.
Chase: Don't … care?

House: [to Dr. Cameron, who is doing paperwork for him] Stick to the filing, sweetheart, let the doctors do the doctoring.

Cameron: You will need to run an EMG test for motor nerve entrapment or the inspector will own your ass.
House: Kutner! Leave the room. Wait thirty minutes, come back and tell her the test was negative.
Kutner: Is it okay if I use that time to do the test?

[The team is watching DVDs for research]
Taub: Does sound a little forced… could be stiffening in his tongue, which is a symptom of myxoedema.
Thirteen: It's not the tongue, it's the dialogue. I think I dated that nurse though… :[House looks at her] …no.

House: You want the star of the hottest daytime drama on TV to die in your hospital?
Cuddy: I want you to cure him without committing any more felonies.
House: I can't do my job when you're gonna tie my hands like that!

Thirteen: We should have him spend a night in the sleep lab and see if he gets a reflex erection.
House: Confirmation is for wimps and altar boys! We don't need to wait for a reflex. If he can't get engorged the way god intended, he can't get engorged. [looks at Cameron]
Cameron: I'm not showing him my boobs.
House: Lack of response to your chest tells us nothing. Thirteen, show him y… [he glances at Thirteen's chest] ...I gotta find a decent set of knockers around here. [he wanders off]
Cameron: Your porn is in the second drawer.

House: Dr. House. I don't think we've met.
Dr. Conway: Dr. Jamie Conway. I've heard your name.
House: Most people have: It's also a noun.

Dr. Conway: Heard about House's patient. Bold move. And you backed him.
Cuddy: He was right.
Dr. Conway: He wasn't even in the same neighborhood as right.
Cuddy: The patient's alive.
Dr. Conway: Okay, the rules exist because 95% of the time for 95% of the people, they're the right thing to do.
Cuddy: And the other 5%?...
Dr. Conway: ...Have to live by the same rules. Because everybody thinks they're in that 5%.

Cuddy: All I ask is that you tone it down for a few days.
House: I want that TV.
Cuddy: We're not bargaining.
House: You want something. Either you're bargaining or you're begging.
Cuddy: Me keeping my job is good for you.
House: Yes, but it's better for you. I just want us to be equally happy. ... Got to go, need a decision.
Cuddy: You're not going to cut your own throat?
House: Yeah, that sounds like me.

Evan Greer: You really as good as everyone seems to think you are?
House: Are you really as miserable, as everyone seems to think you are?
Evan Greer: I just wanna do something...that matters.
House: Nothing matters, we're all just cockroaches, wildebeests dying in the riverbank, nothing we do has any lasting meaning.
Evan Greer: And you think I'm miserable.
House: You're unhappy on the plane, jump out of it.
Evan Greer: I want to but...I can't.
House: Hmm...that's the problem with metaphors, they need interpretation. Jumping out of the plane is stupid.
Evan Greer: What if I'm not in a plane? What if I'm just in a place I don't want to be?
House: That's the other problem with metaphors. Yes, what if you're really in an ice cream truck, and outside are candy and flowers and virgins? You're on a plane! We're all on planes. Life is dangerous and complicated,'s a long way down.
Evan Greer: So you're afraid of change?
House: No you're afraid to change. You'd rather imagine you can escape, instead of actually try. 'Cause if you fail, then you've got nothing. So you'll give up the chance of something real, so that you can hold on to hope. Thing is, hope is for sissies.
Evan Greer: [Starting to hallucinate] When I get out of here I'm not gonna be afraid anymore. I mean, how many guys get a second chance?
House: Too many. Half the people I save don't deserve a second chance.

Wilson: I want a water bed. I’ve always wanted one; I know it’s ridiculous, it’s just, there’s something nice about the thought of being rocked to sleep in water. No mocking? No Freudian analysis of how the waterbed is really a great big vagina I want to crawl into?
House: I’m ignoring you because you make me sad.

House: As I suspected, you have significant losses in the upper right quadrant of your visual field.
Evan Greer: Are you serious?
House: No, it's a joke. Two guys go into a bar and one has significant losses in the upper right quadrant of his visual field. And the other one says, 'You're gonna need an MRI to confirm the type and location of the tumor.'
[Insert the scene's context]=== House's Head (4.15) ===
Cameron: You're staying the night, we have to monitor your brain for swelling.
House: How much bigger could it get?
   :[House" I'm going in; Rambo style."]

House: You have a brain tumor.
Emo-Punk: You're kidding, right?
House: If I was kidding, I'd be dressed like you.

House: [Not remembering the names of Taub and Thirteen] Lesbian. Find out if anybody on that bus was taken to other hospitals.
Thirteen: He just forgot mine.
House: No, 13, I just wanted to call you a lesbian.
Thirteen: I’m not a lesbian.
House: I was rounding up from 50%.

Wilson: A week ago you saw a symptom in a soap star.
House: Bad argument, considering I was right about that.

Thirteen: Why the bath?
House: Hypnosis gave me a nose-picker, smells set off hallucinations, sensory deprivation should get the brain into an alpha-theta phase. Did you see Altered States?
Thirteen: I don't think I was even born when that movie was out.
House: Well then you're too young to be a doctor. That movie was released in 1980
Thirteen: That was twenty-eight years ago.
House: [Dismissively] No it wasn't, shut up.
Thirteen: Did you just... forget what year it is?
House: [After a beat] No, I just remembered how old I am.

House: Give me some physostigmine, it crosses the blood-brain barrier.
Thirteen: [Sarcastically cheery] ...And act like a nerve gas, stop your heart, and you'll go to heaven and be omniscient! Good idea, not gonna happen.

Cuddy: I didn't know you rode the bus.
House: I used to drive home after getting drunk, but some mothers got "MA-D-D".

House: What are you doing here? You weren't on the bus with me.
Cuddy: Then I guess this isn't a memory - this is a fantasy.
House: If it's a fantasy, you'd be wearing this.
[The camera cuts back to Cuddy, who is now dressed like a stripper]
Cuddy: You're convinced your patient is dying and you want to waste your time with a sex fantasy?!
House: Don't blame me, blame my gender.
Cuddy: Well, I'm not here to indulge that, I'm here to help you figure out what symptom you saw. Your patient was driving the bus so all you could see was-
House: [Interrupts] Why can't you do both?
[Electronic music starts playing and Cuddy starts stripping provocatively while carrying out a differential diagnosis with House]

Cuddy: [Stops stripping and looks at House] I'm distracting you. [starts to get up]
House: No! [Cut back to Cuddy who is now dressed normally and sits down next to House] Dance, woman!
Cuddy: [Resignedly] You'd rather be diagnosing.
House: I screamed "no"!
Cuddy: And your own subconscious ignored you. I guess you'd rather fantasize about finding symptoms. How screwed up is that?

Nurse: Who are you talking to?
House: My large colon!

[House takes a pill]
Cuddy: Is that vicodin?
House: Nope, just a little memory pick-me-up.
Cameron: [Grabs the bottle from him] Physostigmine.
Cuddy: Are you crazy! Alzheimer drugs will make your brain go into overdrive!
House: That's the point. Speed up my neural firing, turn up the voltage on my memory.
Wilson: And blow out your heart. How many did you take?
House: Just now, or including the ones I took on the way over?

Wilson's Heart (4.16)

Taub: I need to know if there's anything medically-relevant you couldn't share publicly.
House: What is this? A Philanderers Anonymous intervention?

[Thirteen feels uneasy watching a video on Amber's laptop.]
Thirteen: It's not even close to relevant.
Kutner: As long as we don't know what's wrong, we don't know what's relevant.

Thirteen: It's Amber.
House: Normally, I'd be fascinated. Today, don't care. Get over whatever it is and do your job.

House: Start her on IV interferon. I'll go tell Wilson.
Foreman: Good idea. And I'll go nap because I was concussed last night and had a heart attack this morning. I'll tell Wilson. You go sleep.

House: Thirteen, stick a needle in there. If there's pus, Foreman's right.
Thirteen: Ultrasound is safer.
House: I'm not asking you to stick it all the way through. Taub, do it.
Thirteen: Wait, I can do-
House: No, apparently you can't!
[Thirteen walks out.]

Wilson: We're not starting her heart till we're one hundred percent certain.
Foreman: We're never one hundred percent certain!

Wilson: You can't do this.
House: It's not a good argument. It's not an argument at all. I'm sorry.

Wilson: Cuddy's right. I was afraid to do anything. I thought if everything just stopped, it would be okay.
House: And it's gonna be. Taub's starting treatment. We're doing everything-
Wilson: Not everything. Before you warm her up, you said that you wanted to try deep-brain stimulation.
House: There's no reason. We know the symptom. We know what I saw.
Wilson: What if it's not the rash? What if you noticed the rash on the ambulance when we were putting her on bypass? What if there is still something else stuck inside your head?
House: You think I should risk my life to save Amber's?
[Wilson nods.]
[House nods in agreement.]

Wilson: You should call time of death.
Cuddy: Technically, she's still alive. Could probably survive a few more hours by bypass. We can wean her off anesthesia, wake her up, give you a chance to-
Wilson: Don't be cruel. Don't.
Cuddy: Wake Amber up. See her again. Tell her what she means to you.
Wilson: Wake her up to tell her that she's… [Wilson breaks down. Cuddy embraces him.]
Cuddy: You are waking her up so that you could say goodbye to each other. She would want it.

Thirteen: We should say goodbye.
Taub: She didn't even like us.
Kutner: We liked her.
Taub: Did we?
Foreman: We do now.
Taub: What do we say?
Kutner: We don't need to say anything.

[House and Amber are sitting in an empty bus.]
House: You're dead.
Amber: Everybody dies.
House: Am I dead?
Amber: [pause] Not yet.
House: I should be.
Amber: Why?
House: 'cause life shouldn't be random. 'Cause lonely, misanthropic drug addicts should die in bus crashes. And young do-gooders in love that get dragged out of their apartment in the middle of the night should walk away clean.
Amber: Self-pity isn't like you.
House: I'm branching out from self-loathing, self-destruction. [pause] Wilson is gonna hate me.
Amber: You kinda deserve it.
House: [pause] He's my best friend.
Amber: I know. [whispers] What now?
House: I stay here with you.
Amber: Get off the bus.
House: [shakes head] I can't.
Amber: Why not?
House: Because…Because it doesn't hurt here. I'm not…I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to be miserable. [pause] And I don't want him to hate me.
Amber: Well, you can't always get what you want.
[Amber raises her eyebrows in encouragement. House gives a nod and walks away.]

Amber: [dying] I'm tired [Wilson nods]...I think it's time to go to sleep...
Wilson: [crying] Just a little bit longer.
Amber: We're always going to want...just a little bit longer.
Wilson: I don't think I can do it.
Amber: It's ok.
Wilson: It's not can this be ok...why aren't you angry?
Amber: That's not the last feeling...that I want to experience.
[Wilson kisses Amber and turns off her life support]

[Wilson comes home and finds a note from Amber]
Amber's note: Sorry I'm not here...went to pick up House ♥ A
[Wilson breaks down]

Thirteen: You are the champion of not dealing with your problems...
House: My grandson gave me a mug that says that.

Season 5

Dying Changes Everything (5.01)

Cuddy: When was the last time you talked to him?
House: I think it was after... when did his girlfriend die? He wanted time alone. I considered being a horrendous pain in the ass, but I didn't want to step on your turf.

Foreman: We just got a call from Patty Mishner from Womens majority, the women's rights...
Cuddy: We know who she is.
House: I dated her. Well, not really dated her, more metaphorically raped her by having a penis. [To Foreman] You did too.

Thirteen: Why is everyone leaping to conclude a strong career woman's been made sick by her strong career? It's not B12. It's an insulinoma in her pancreas. It's making her hypoglycemic.
House: Great, now everyone knows.
Taub: You knew she had cancer?
House: Is that what she said? I thought she said, "I am suddenly and irrationally defending the patient's strong career even though, in reality, she's just a glorified grunt, because I'm trying to convince myself that it's ok not to have a life because I don't have a life because I was tested for Huntington's and my lifespan's been cut in half."

House: Almost dying changes nothing. Dying changes everything.

House: I'm busy.
Thirteen: We need you to…
House: Actually, as you can see, I'm not busy. It's just an euphemism for "get the hell out of here."

Wilson: I just need a change of scenery.
House: Buy a plant!

Chase: You want me to do a second major surgery on a patient we almost lost during a first major surgery to see if she needs a third major surgery?

House: People die! You, Amber, everyone. Don’t act like you just figured that out. I gave you a diagnosis. You don’t like it, there are exits on every floor.

Thirteen: This is Dr. House. He's too brilliant for introductions.

[Cuddy comes to House’s place]
Cuddy: You mind if I come in?
House: Not at all. Do you mind if I leave?

[Cuddy heads the team while House is absent]
Taub: What do you want us to do?
Cuddy: The same thing you'd do if he was here.
Taub: If he was here, we’d be asking him what to do.

Wilson: I don't blame you for Amber's death. As much as I've tried to find a way to, I couldn't. But we're not okay. I didn't want to tell you the truth. I'm tired of protecting you and enabling you. We're not friends anymore, House. I don't think we ever were.

[Cuddy forces Wilson and House to discuss their relationship]
Cuddy: Talk to each other.
House: [turns to Wilson]... How you doing? Good?
Wilson: Fine, thanks.
[Both try to leave]
Cuddy: Ehh-ehh-ehh-ehh! Sit!
[Both return to the sofa]
Cuddy: See? The two of you are friends. Look how you both...
House: ... think you're an idiot. We both also eat with forks. That doesn't really prove...
Cuddy: Talk to him! Tell him how you feel of what he's doing.
House: I told him he's an idiot.
Cuddy: Tell him what you think about him leaving.
House: I think he's an idiot.
Cuddy: You're an idiot. He's in pain, and your response is just to emotionally blackmail him!
House: You told me what your position is on that one. You're against it, right?
Wilson: She hasn't told you in front of me. She needs to prove she's on my side.
Cuddy: [referring to Wilson] Go to hell!
House: So much for that theory.

Wilson: I'd need a flowchart to explain all the ways in which that was ridiculously insensitive.

Not Cancer (5.02)

House: Wanna be my friend?
Lucas: No, you scare me a little.

House: (after the patient hallucinated that he was going to chop her head off and looks at Foreman) Hallucinations. That's a brain thing, right?

Adverse Events (5.03)

Cuddy: How did you know that I liked roses?
PI Lucas : I was in your house last night.

Birthmarks (5.04)

House: "Lost track of your speed"? I think that was Hitler's excuse. "Lost track of the Jews".

House: My mom didn't call Cuddy, she called you! I knew you couldn't stay away. I knew you loved me too much.

[House forces Wilson to confess that he cut himself off from House to regulate his life]

House: Admit it! Admit it! Admit it! Admit it! Admit it!

[Wilson grabs a bottle from the counter and hurls it into the stained glass window in rage]

Wilson: I'm doing this for your mom.
House: I'm not doing this at all. Join me on the dark side!

House: Differential. Say you're a middle-aged chinese woman..
Wilson: Fine.
House: Say it.
Wilson: "I'm a middle-aged chinese woman."

Wilson: I guess no one gets to choose who their parents are. I'm not sure anymore we even choose who our friends are. [House glances up at him questioningly] I spoke with Cuddy, she hasn't filled my position yet.
House: If you're coming back because you're attracted to the shine of my neediness... [Wilson smiles] ...I'd be okay with that.
Wilson: I'm coming back because you're right. That strange annoying trip we just took was the most fun I've had since Amber died.
House: [gives him a long look] You hungry?
Wilson: [nods]
[The two proceed to leave House's office]
House: [pauses] Wilson. [Wilson looks at him] My dad's dead.
Wilson: Yeah. My sympathies.

House: [to Wilson] My ringtone for you is "Dancing Queen" by Abba

Lucky Thirteen (5.05)

House: Thirteen, go stick a needle into your girlfriend's pelvis; and, no, that one wasn't a metaphor. Suck out some marrow; that one was.

House: You're fired.
Thirteen: What? You just defended me!
House: No, I just prevented you from taking a drug test. Probably saved your career. I'm already responsible for one doctor with a drug habit. [takes a Vicodin pill]
Thirteen: I don't have a drug habit!
House: The slutty party girl is fun till she pukes on your shoes. Then she's just a pain in the ass.

Lucas: What does that even mean, 'dating a hooker'?
House: He's an idiot with a messiah complex. Savior to all who need saving. That's why his first wife had a wooden leg, second wife was Canadian. He's the one who needs to be saved.
Lucas: From you or the ho?
House: The ho's just using him for his money. [pauses] Wait, bad example.
Lucas: Normally in situations, I'd follow the girl, find something embarrassing to show him. But since that's our starting position...

Foreman: Do you think I'm boring?
Chase: Yes.
Foreman: You're saying that just to screw with me.
Chase: Yeah! Why would you expect anything else?
Foreman: I expect House to pull my strings, I expect Cameron to make me feel better, I expect the new team to kiss my ass, and I expect you to be honest, 'cause you don't give a crap.
Chase: [thinks for a moment] Yes. You're boring. That speech was boring.
Foreman: [sarcastic] Thanks so much.
Chase: You don't let other people's problems affect you. You don't let your own problems affect you, and it's the screw-ups that make us interesting. You're never out of control, which is good... and boring. Never losing control means you're never putting yourself out there, never pushing your limits. On the other hand, you do have a tattoo, so maybe I'm wrong.

House: Another life saved by girl-on-girl action.

House: You're just upset because the whole time she was with you, she was thinking about my huge, throbbing... diagnostic skills.

[House realizes that Thirteen had lesbian sex with the patient before her seizure]
House: Oh yeah! Penthouse Forum meets medical mystery, maybe there is a god.

Joy (5.06)

[House watches as Cuddy is holding the newborn baby]
House: Be prepared to tell her the words she's going to hear for the rest of her life: "Mommy has to go to work now."

House: I need a genetic disease.
Wilson: Oh, I'm sure you're carrying a few.

[Cuddy is sitting crying on the floor of the nursery she created that might never be used; someone knocks at the door and she answers it to find House]
Cuddy: It's really not the greatest time for gloating.
House: [walking in] There's more than one baby in the sea. The world is full of teenaged boys riding bareback.
Cuddy: [shaking her head] No, I'm done. I can't go through that again.
House: You're quitting, just like you quit IVF.
Cuddy: Yeah, just like that.
House: There, you just said it again.[Cuddy smiles]That's too bad. You would have made a great mother.
Cuddy: [looking up in disbelief] You son of a bitch. When I'm getting a baby, you told me I would suck as a mother. Now when I lose it, you tell me I'd be great as a mother. [Approaching House in anger] Why do you do that?! Why do you NEED to negate EVERYTHING!?
House: [quietly] I don't know. [Cuddy stares at him]
[House moves in and the two share a passionate kiss]

The Itch (5.07)

Thirteen: What did Cuddy want?
House: I kind of hit that last night so now she's all on my jock.
Thirteen: Wow, she looks pretty good for someone on roofies.

House: The Formster and the Camster kicking it old school. Thank God she's not trying to steal your job.

Wilson: Did you speak to Cuddy last night?
House: She's fine. Why would it take anyone more than a few hours to get over misplacing a baby?
Wilson: You spoke to her?
House: Kinda hit that, so she's all on my jock.
Wilson: Whoa...wha..what?
House: Huh. Everyone else thought I was kidding.
Wilson: You hit? Like making out? Or full on sex or -
House: Got a chart laid out with all the bases. I'll talk you through it.
Wilson: Well, what are you going to do?
House: What can I do? I'm going to ignore her for the rest of my life. This mosquito bite kept me awake -
Wilson: Don't care about the bug bite. She's your boss.
House: So now I have two reasons to ignore her. It was...just a kiss.
Wilson: There's a reason -
House: Yes. Those large things in her bra.
Wilson: You were hiding it from me! Means it meant something to you.
House: Yeah, I fiendishly concealed it within the phrase 'I hit that'.

Wilson: If you dated Cuddy there would -
[House is answering the phone]
House: Sorry, I get better reception when you're not here.

Cameron: With the risk of infection Chase won't actually -
House: He's not going to do surgery in some crazy dude's house.
Cameron: You just said -
House: What I said was that Chase would put him under at the house, we'd take him into the hospital, open him up, do our thing, then slip him back into his room for the post-op, without him ever finding out that we tricked him. So that was implied.
Cameron: Its unethical.
House: He'll be asleep.
Cameron: He gets to make his own calls, even if he's asleep.

Wilson: Everything else good?
Cuddy: Everything involving me kissing House is good oh God you dragged it out of me you're a genius. It's no big deal. I was feeling vulnerable, he's a friend, and I leaned on him.
Wilson: Its funny, I've leaned on friends in the past, never leaned so far my tongue fell into their mouths.
Cuddy: I don't think of House that way. I never have.
Wilson: Why not?
Cuddy: Well you know exactly how that would go: it'd start off exciting, we'd get caught up in the novelty and the hostility and the forbiddenness, and then we'd realise that the flirty hostility is just hostility, and his inability to open up is no longer exciting, it's just frustrating, and then it's the inevitable blow up and the recriminations, and we don't talk for two months.
Wilson: Yeah. Well, that certainly proves you've never thought about House in that way.
Cuddy: I get your point. I will be more careful with my tongue in the future.
Wilson: That's not my point. Maybe novelty and hostility and forbiddenness doesn't have to end bad.

[Cameron and Chase are wheeling the agoraphobic patient through the hospital corridor when Cuddy catches them]
Cuddy: You do know they paged me when that much surgical equipment is signed out.

Cuddy: House, you ok?
House: Yes. We don't need to talk.
Cuddy: Your hand. [looks at the mosquito bite]
House: Huh. That's weird. I usually don't get get the stigmata until Easter.

Chase: Right, forget about the patient. What is going on with you? This is why we left House's team! To avoid this constant flood of pure craziness.
Cameron: It's why I left House. You got fired.

Kutner: How am I supposed to know where you're looking?
Taub: Here's a hint, it's the bloody part.
Kutner: The whole thing's bloody, it's a guy with a hole in his body!
Taub: It's like you've never done this before. Use the suction.
Kutner: I will. And in fact I've never done this before because I went to med school, not nurse school.

House: Foreman, listen to that little voice in your head that's coming from the telephone. Force feed him.

House: Hey, Cameron, how would you like your old job back? I'm asking because it's the only way I can fire you.
Cameron: Sorry, in ER we actually like to resuscitate dying people, not just let them flop around.

Wilson: Have you considered that it's not my place you really wanna be walking into, right now?
House: Ric Ocasek'll kill me if I ... Oh you mean Cuddy?
Wilson: Yea, she' a little nuts. But she's beautiful, smart, funny, and most important, she can stand you.
House: Yea, came here to have you lecture me on Cuddy, because there's a killer mosquito chasing me around my apartment.
Wilson: House, there is no mosquito. This is all about Cuddy.
House: Ahh, she's bugging me. Poetic.
Wilson: Have you seen this bug?
House: Have you seen this bite?
Wilson: No, what I've seen is a suppurating wound that you've scratched and mutilated into a gangrenous state. Delusional parasitosis.
House: [Pops a Vicodin] I am not imagining things.
Wilson: House, you're a drug addict, you're always imagining things. You got bitten the night you kissed her, your itching always gets worse when you think about her. You need to address this.
House: She's my boss
Wilson: No, you're not afraid of authority; you're afraid she actually is right for you. You're afraid to take a chance because it's too big a chance. If it doesn't work with her, then maybe there's no one out there.
House: I am not rationalizing. I'm better off alone. Also, have you seen her ass recently?
Wilson: You're not staying here.
House: Oh, come on.
Wilson: [Pushing House off the couch] Nope, you can go home. Or, you're going to Cuddy's, you're gonna ring her doorbell, and you're gonna ask her out on a date like regular people do.
House: At 3 in the morning? I thought regular people sleep.
Wilson: Bye bye.

Emancipation (5.08)

Wilson: So I take it you didn't ask Cuddy out.
House: Yeah.
Wilson: 'Yeah I didn't' or 'yeah I did'?
House: Whichever means you almost had me convinced it was a good idea.

Kutner: Not every teenager is having sex.
Foreman: But every teenager is stupid.

House: On the one hand, Kutner is right. Maybe she's a sweet young thing, not a screw up lying through her teeth. On the two hand, pregnancy test takes five minutes and we no longer kill rabbits, so in conclusion: shut up, do the test.

House: Steroids could cause an irregular heartbeat, making her current one irregular-er-er.

Cuddy: [to Foreman] House did something solely out of self interest? Freaky.

Kutner: I treated her based on the symptoms she presented.
House: You treated her based on empathetic orphan syndrome, almost killed her in the process.

House: [to Kutner] Yesterday you were all bff, now you think she's pathological.

House: I went to Cuddy's house. But I didn't go in. I went home without ringing either her metaphorical or actual bell.
Wilson: Huh.
House: You're processing.
Wilson: I'm scrubbing.
House: 'Huh' means processing.
Wilson: 'Huh' means acknowledging. If you prefer I can say 'hah', or 'hmm' or -
House: No insights, no opinions? You're disappointing.
Wilson: You made a decision. I can't tell you what's right for you.
House: Seriously? Because last week you could. Last year you could. It seems to come pretty easy to you.
Wilson: Do you want me to tell you what you should do?
House: I want you to stop thinking that acting inscrutable makes you anything other than annoying.
Wilson: Interesting. [walks off]
House: [calls after him] Holding things in can give you cancer!

Thirteen: We could save this patient but all you care about is getting your answer!
House: Your point being?

[About Foreman]

Chase: Think we gave him an idea?
Cameron: Either that or he's off to kill House.

(Taub and Thirteen are having an argument in the office)

House: Trying to sleep here!

Last Resort (5.09)

Jason: Excuse me, I'm looking for Dr. Cuddy.
House: [rooting through Cuddy's desk] Well, she's either not here or she's under the desk. Either way, you're going to have to wait outside till I'm finished.
Jason: Do you know when she'll be back?
House: Yes. Which is why I need you to get out and leave me alone.

House: If you don't think your life is worth more than someone else's, sign your donor card and kill yourself.

House: The martyr's heart is beating dangerously slow.

House: Your obsession is going to kill her!
Jason: Your obsession gave me back the gun.

Jason: This is my body. This is my life. There’s a truth out there. I’d rather rot in jail knowing than…I can’t handle not knowing.
House: Yeah.

Jason: I’ve never been anywhere south of Florida.
House: You idiot.
Jason: Florida counts?
House: Well, not to the supreme court, but it’s warm enough for germs. You’ve been blaming doctors and you can’t even give a halfway decent history.

House: I need to slap you. For diagnostic purposes. Seriously. If I were jerking you around I’d say that I needed to kick you in the groin.

House: Good idea. Oh, damn, I left my CT machine in my other pants.

House: I can't decide which is riskier; taking crazy risks, or taking advice on crazy risks from a crazy risk taker.

Let Them Eat Cake (5.10)

House: [To Cuddy, talking on the phone] Have you seen my balls?
Cuddy: [To person on phone] Can you hold on a second? [Looks at House]
House: My balls. Have you seen my balls? Giant one and the red one...
Cuddy: Your plan isn't going to work.
House: Of course it is. I try to make you miserable, to make you leave; you deny that it's making you miserable and try to make me miserable, so I'll stop making you miserable, and eventually you will leave, citing reasons that had nothing to do with misery...
Cuddy: You're not bothering me.
House: Step 1: complete.
Cuddy: [To person on phone] I'm going to call you from my cell. [Hangs up phone] And then I will come back in here! [To person on cell phone] Hey. Yeah... I just had to explain to him that I had his balls and he's not getting them back. [Walks by House] Excuse me.

House: Forget the bypass. Treat her like a fat girl.
Taub: We treat her like a sixty-year-old Asian man, too? She's not fat.
House: Not on the outside. But on the inside, she's still tons of fun.

Patient: If surgery could somehow make you taller, would you do it?
Taub: Sure, but I wouldn't call a meeting of the Lollipop Guild and tell them they can grow if they work real hard at it.

Kutner: What's Cuddy doing in your office?
House: Other than throwing off the feng shui with her ass that faces all eight sides of the bagua at once?
Cuddy: [from the other room] These walls aren't sound proof!
House: I'm well aware.

(after Foreman and Thirteen argued about the clinical trials - Thirteen told Foreman that 15 minutes early or late isn't going to make a difference)

House: (to Thirteen) Way to know where your bread is buttered, sister. Up high! (sticks his hand out for a high five, but Thirteen refuses)

House: Wow! Muscles and curves! My penis is so confused!

Joy To The World (5.11)

Patient: I'm a virgin, so is my fiancé.
House: I believe him.
Patient: Are there other ways I could get pregnant? Like...sitting on a toilet seat?
House: Absolutely. There would need to be a guy sitting between you and a toilet seat, but yes, absolutely. [Before walking out] I was doing so well...

[House is in the clinic, attempting to rise to Wilson's challenge to be civil to other people. A patient with asthma is complaining that her inhaler is ineffective.]
Patient with asthma: I go through one a week.
House: Are you sure you're using it right?
Patient with asthma: Of course I'm using it right. Do I look like an idiot?
[slight pause while House clearly struggles not to say what he's thinking]
House: Okay...why don't you show me how your inhaler works.
[the patient retrieves her inhaler from her purse. She releases two puffs from it, one on each side of her neck, as though applying perfume. She looks at House triumphantly.]
[shot of House, smiling tightly, then cut to shot of the clinic lobby. The exam room door opens and the patient strides out quickly, looking angry.]
Patient with asthma: Jerk.

Wilson: Irene Adler. Christmas, 2001. Sarcoid symptoms, but she didn't respond to methotrexate. I've never seen him so obsessed. He saved her with a last minute Wegner's diagnosis, but the hours he put in, I thought it would kill him. And then ... well, he fell for her. But, it was too soon after Stacy. It sounds silly, but Irene was the one who got away.
Kutner: Really?
Wilson: No, you idiots! House is just screwing with you. You think there's some woman with a mysterious green wrapping paper trademark?
Taub: Then, how did you guess...
Wilson: I could be wrong. It's possible a secret admirer gave House the same book I gave him last Christmas, and the same paper I wrapped it in, and the note I wrote.

Painless (5.12)

Foreman:: You think I got her into the trial because I want to have sex with her?
House: I think you got her into the trial because of your messiah complex. I think you changed her schedule because of your I-like-to-have-sex complex.

Big Baby (5.13)

Kutner: [to Thirteen] You slept with Foreman?
Thirteen: Sorry, you were busy.

[Kutner makes a cut in the patient’s arm as part of a bleeding-time test.]
Thirteen: Time zero.
Kutner: I’m impressed. You didn’t even flinch.
Patient: [smiles] I just went to my happy place.
Thirteen: [pauses while writing on her clipboard, eyes going wide] We cannot let House anywhere near this woman.
Kutner: Where is your happy place?
Patient: My class. With them.
Thirteen: Past the first mark.
Kutner: It’s a great thing you do.
Patient: Not really. You know, most kids, typical children, you hand them a pair of scissors and they cut. Well, Tony—he’s got CP. And when I gave him scissors, we went on a journey together. Learning to get his fingers in those holes, to get the scissors apart, to hold the paper. I mean, when he finally learned to cut, we both just…wept with joy.
[Thirteen and Kutner look at each other and smile.]
Kutner: [to the patient] If you ever meet our boss, just yes or no answers, okay?

[Cameron has just approved a likely-unnecessary medical prodecure for House's patient, and House is trying to figure out why.]
House: Some people thought you were gonna be brutal. Marking your territory.
Cameron: Who?
House: Nobody. And just because I call him 'nobody' doesn't make me a racist.
Cameron: I am not gonna play games. If you come to me with a request and it makes medical sense, I'll say yes.
House: I need oral sex. [Cameron stares at House.] Pretty sure biological imperative qualifies as medical sense.
Cameron: Can I return my phone call now?
House: I don't really see how that's gonna be possible.

Unfaithful (5.15)

House: If she [Cuddy] invited you to a ceremonial lynching, would you go?
Wilson: It would depend on what she was serving.

House: Why do the Lord's work if the Lord has already left the building?
Daniel: I've been with the Church my entire adult life. It's my only marketable skill.
House: I detect a stink of leftover faith.
Daniel: You wanna talk about hypocrisy? What about you? You act like you don't care for anyone but here you are, saving lives...
House: Solving puzzles... Saving lives is just collateral damage.
Daniel: Yeah, nice try. I think you're not looking for somebody to prove you right. You're looking for someone to prove you wrong. To give you hope. You wanna believe, don't you?
House: [pause] I wanna walk out and find myself in a forest of whore trees. But I don't think it's a good idea to tell people to fornicate with fruit.

[Taub and Thirteen inform House with Daniel's latest test results]

House: So Father Nietzsche has AIDS...

Daniel: Einstein said, "Coincidences are God's way of remaining anonymous."
House: Woman in Florida said, "Look, Jesus is on my cheese sandwich."

Wilson: Raising a child on her own is scary. She's just doing what you do, what everyone does: Trying to avoid pain.
House: Religion is not the opiate of masses. Religion is the placebo of masses. You're saying she's not a hypocrite.
Wilson: I'm not. I'm trying to give you a rational reason to overlook her hypocrisies so you don't feel like a hypocrite going.
House: Oh sorry, continue.
Wilson: Okay. Even if an absolute truth exists, we can't know all of it. And you can't condemn her for recognizing that.

[After a pause House starts covering the symptoms with a file]

Wilson: You're eliminating symptoms?
House: We can't know everything.
Wilson: This is medicine not metaphysics.
House: Truth is truth. [Erases "Hallucination" off the board] It fits.
Wilson: It doesn't fit. You can't eliminate a symptom.
House: I can if it's not a symptom.
Wilson: What is it?
House: Not a symptom. [walks out]

The Softer Side (5.16)

House: [to Cuddy] I think my penis stopped breathing. Do you know CPR?
Cuddy: Looks like your brain is okay. Pupils are equal, round and reactive.
House: I'm fine... other than the fact that my nurples are now purple. [Glares at Foreman then says to Thirteen] No wonder you broke up with him. I'm surprised yours are still attached. By the way, I can see that from here.

[Kutner comes to check if House has respiratory arrest again]
House: Back off. Only Thirteen gets to grab my nipples this time.

House: Unless the next stanza reads "Hoping to fry my brain to death, I smoked some primo crystal meth," I'm not interested.

Thirteen: You really think House took too many Vicodin?
Foreman: The guy pops them like candy, I'm surprised it hasn't happened before.

[House is puking into a bin]
Wilson: You idiot!
House: Okay, I admit it. I have bulimia. I look good, though, don't I?
Wilson: Heroin. Heroin?! House, of all the stupid...
House: I'm not on heroin.
Wilson: I just caught you with your fingers down your throat.
House: I'm on methadone. Stupid product, heroin without the high.
Wilson: Yea, and twice the risk of death.
House: No risk of arrest.
Wilson: You nearly died.
House: Today was a fluke, I nodded off.
Wilson: Right, you're safe as long as you never sleep again. Mistime your dose, you die. Couple of drinks, you die. Mix it with the wrong drugs, you die. You wanna detox from Vicodin, pick something that won't kill you.
House: I'm not detoxing.
Wilson: If you're looking for something to help with your pain...
House: Doesn't help my pain. It eliminates it.
[He throws his cane into a dumpster, and walks away]
House: My leg doesn't hurt anymore.
[House walks off into the distance without limping]

House: This is the only me you get.

Here Kitty (5.18)

House: [to Morgan] Could you come back later? I have some business I'm conducting with the Prince of Nigeria.

Cuddy: You have a patient waiting, see?
House: I'm waiting for a follow-up.
Cuddy: If you're talking about Mr. Kasden, he has a 'deceased' sticker on his file, as do all the other follow-ups you have scheduled for today.

House: [to Morgan] If you're going to kill me and rape me, please do it in that order.

House: [Morgan has just collapsed on the floor] Quick, before she goes without attention for eight seconds.

Cuddy: You want to treat her? She's a nut job.
House: Don't we all have quirks? Aren't those eccentricities what make us human?
Morgan (on video): It's like Debbie's here on Earth to bring people to the other side.
House: [shrugs] Nut jobs get sick, too.

Cuddy: [Mockingly] So, you think this cat story is nonsense, and you admit she faked her earlier symptoms, but you still think she's actually sick now?
House: Well, anything would sound ridiculous if you said it in that voice.
Cuddy: Confirm she's faking, or I'm going to have to kick her out.
House: There's that voice again.
Cuddy: I'll give you 24 hours.
House: Consecutive?

Morgan: I'm not a Munchausen. I'm going to die unless you help me.
House: You're going to have to come up with something more original.
Morgan: A cat predicted my death.
House: Cats make terrible doctors. Oh, no, wait. That's women. You're screwed.

House: [to Taub] Is it related to your money worries?
Kutner: What money worries?
House: Extrapolating from the fact that he's been skipping his morning muffin, I'd say he lost almost all his money on the market last year.
Taub: I'm on a diet.
House: I'm also extrapolating from the online portfolio you forgot to log off. But mostly the muffins.

Kutner: Why are you pushing a crash cart?
House: Because patients sometimes crash, and they haven't yet invented a crash tractor for me to drive wildly around the hallways.

Simple Explanation (5.20)

House: (to Cameron) Did you deduce that by removing your sunglasses to the strains of a Who song?

House: living in misery sucks marginally less than dying in it.

Saviors (5.21)

House: Your favor's been repaid. Patient's cured. He's already packing for an Earth Day extravaganza next week.
Cameron: He almost died. Can't take a few days at home with his family?
House: People only change after a trauma, if they wanted to change before the trauma. Or if they watched too many after school specials.
Cameron: You're talking about Chase.
House: Talking about you. Death of the husband number 1... No surprise the death of colleague would make you question another long term lease.
Cameron: You're teaching commitment classes.'Cause I'm sure you were busy with you lecture...
House: [interrupts] I'm sure that was gonna be hysterical. Let me just give the cliffs notes. Don't try to dump him by dumping cases on me.
Cameron I told you I never wanted to dump Chase.
House: Absolutely. You want him to dump you. It's totally different, much less guilt. Either way, you're out of reasons to avoid him. Kutner was a dumb one to begin with.

Amber Volakis: :[Leaning on House's piano] Solved another case. Busted Wilson... [to House's ear] Looks like you're not losing it after all...

House: [To Wilson] You manipulative bitch!

A House Divided (5.22)

Amber: [part of House's hallucination and trying to write on House's white board] Damn imaginary pen!

Cuddy: [on why Wilson is not answering his phone] He must have left it in his pants, which he was not wearing when the police picked him up trying to walk home- oddly from his own apartment!

Cuddy: House, please talk to me.

[House looks at her, then at Amber]

House: I haven't slept through the night since Kutner killed himself.

Thirteen: [after she and Foreman were sent to scout strippers for Chase's bachelor party] The fact that you sent me on a scouting mission...
Amber (House's hallucination): No skirts.
House: You're not on the guest list. Bachelor parties are an ancient and sacred male rite of passage.
Thirteen: If I get drunk enough there's a chance I might make out with one of the strippers. Or become one.
House and Amber: SOLD!

Wilson: My wife and I eloped to escape House's bachelor party... (Chase looks unimpressed) Have you seen 'Caligula'?

House: [coming to Wilson for a consult] Is he telling you to avoid the party?
Wilson: I took an oath to do no harm.

House: What exactly did my team do?
Amber (House's hallucination): Look good in their lab coats. Except for Taub.

House: I tried to kill Chase. Why would I do that? I don't want Cameron.
Amber (House's hallucination): You're not a big fan of other people's happiness, either...

Chase: [To House] You're evil. See ya.

Under My Skin (5.23)

[After Cuddy ignores House's quitting to make it on time for her baby]

House: Go suckle that bastard child that makes you feel good about yourself.
Cuddy: Screw you... [walks out]

Both Sides Now (5.24)

Wilson: [after House told him he slept with Cuddy] Wow ... WOW. One for each.
House: That's what she said. [fake laughs]
Wilson: So....How are you going to screw it up?

House: [with thermal pictures of Cuddy] She was either lying to me yesterday or today. I want to find out when.
Wilson: [sarcastically] And thermal imaging is definitely the way.

House: [while on his cell phone with a patient] I'm sorry but I'm going to lose connection because I'm about to drive into a tunnel in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

Taub: The deodorant has a high proportion of propylene glycol. Same stuff made a kid in Singapore develop a heart condition, and get this: seizures. Our patient may have never needed split-brain surgery.
House: I'm sure he'll half appreciate the irony.

Cuddy: This is beyond ass-hood! You have the luxury of not caring about your image, I do not! I can permit a lot of crap, but an employee shouting about his sexual exploits with me, no! That is zero tolerance! So congratulations House, I am angry.
House: I was wondering if we should move in together.
Cuddy: [laughs] You're fired.

Amber: So, this is the story you made up about who you are. It's a nice one.
Kutner: Too bad it isn't true.

Season 6

Broken (6.01)

House: Dry heaves are gone and so am I.

House: And he's black. You'd think you'd be a little more sensitive on the slavery issue.

House: I was deluded into thinking I might be crazy.

House: (Mockingly) I don't wanna practice medicine. I wanna be an astronaut.

House: Is that a popular new treatment? Blackmail?

House: Is suicide taboo? Or is it just irrelevant?

House: I want to deal with my problems some place where I can get a decent cappuccino.

House: Seriously, anorexia? Were you supposed to be a girl? And in answer to your implicit question, yes those pants make you look fat.

House: So how upset were you when you woke up in the ER and you were still alive? And a failure?

House: It's table tennis, not table volleyball, and with no net, it's table nothing.

House: Then we can assume the girl he's with is named 'Nooner.

House: (to Alvie) You're my only friend. And I hate you.

House: How come every time you compliment me it sounds like an accusation?

House: What exactly is the difference between pretending to cooperate and actually cooperating?

House: Hi. It's like hello only shorter.

House: I'm sick of being miserable

House: They didn't break me. I am broken.

House: I started to connect with one guy but then my propensity for screwing things up overtook me. And then my desire to have fun overcame my propensity.

House: Successes only last until someone screws them up. Failures are forever.

House: We're all pathetic. It's what makes everything interesting.

Epic Fail (6.03)

House: Bed is for sissies. Unless you're having sex, in which case... no, bed is still for sissies.

House: Like breaking up with a clingy girlfriend. Sure I'll miss the sex but now I get to drink milk right out of the carton.

House: Right, doctors world-over treat chronic pain with collections of Hummel figures.

House: Difference is, Beethoven's Fifth isn't going to be poop tomorrow.

Wilson: Try not to be a jerk.
House: I'm trying. I'm just failing.
Wilson: Roll your meatballs and keep an open mind. (After a few seconds) How hard are you trying not to make a ball joke right now?
House: They're smoking. Your balls.
Wilson: Oh! Ow. No, no. They're browning way too fast.
House: Blue is the color you got to watch out for.
Wilson: Enough!

House: I'm an addict; I turn everything up to an eleven.

House: I went crazy, not stupid.

House: I leave, Foreman embraces his inner Mugabe

House: Daddy's little co-dependent is all grown up. Making room for Daddy's hot bisexual with boyfriend problems.
Thirteen: It's not a problem, it's a … okay, it's a problem.

House: Taste this.
Thirteen: God. This might be the best thing I've ever eaten … and yes, I'm including what you're thinking of now.

Foreman: I got you a donut. [pause] The florist was closed.
Thirteen: I'll get a vase and put it in water.

House: Started thinking about what you said; about me obsessing; started obsessing about obsessing.

House: How like a man to think I enjoy slaving over a hot stove all day while you're off banging secretaries.

House: That's like adopting a puppy; suddenly someone's whining, following me everywhere, chewing up my LP's...

House: If you wanted a quickie, you should have called ahead; I'm a mess.

House: The only thing you know is that I'm a genius who got a dog to pee in your toilet. You don't know how I did it, or more interestingly, where I peed.

House: (about his urine) If the lab says this is Labrador too, please let me know right away. It'd explain my overwhelming desire to wipe my butt on your carpet.

The Tyrant (6.04)

[Foreman, Cameron and Chase enter the office]
House: Oh my God it's three years ago! — Does that mean I'm still crazy?

[Thirteen got a job offer]
Foreman: Douglas owes me a favor.
Thirteen: Most people send chocolates.
Foreman: I'd stand outside your apartment all night holding a boombox, except you told me you hate eighties music.

Brave Heart (6.05)

[Chase is sitting in a church confessional]
Chase: I killed a man. I need to know what I can do to be forgiven.
Minister: Ten Hail Marys aren't enough to absolve this.
Chase: I did the right thing. I couldn't let him take the lives of thousands.
Minister: But as a doctor, you know taking the life of a patient is wrong.
Chase: Can't I just ask God for forgiveness? That's why I'm here.
Minister: I told you what you need to do. You have to turn yourself in.
Chase: ...No. I... did... the right thing.

House: [after having a "conversation" with his father] Wilson! This is stupid!
Wilson: [smiling] See? [talking to Amber] I told you he's getting better.

Cuddy: I sent this to State Licensing Board. I've signed off on all your hours.
House: Why?
Cuddy: Because it's easier this way.
House: You're uncomfortable with me.
Cuddy: No. Going by the book is pointless. You're gonna learn nothing.
House: Good. I thought it was because of the sexual tension.
Cuddy: There was no sexual tension.
House: There was tension. And it made me feel funny, so...
Cuddy: Here. [hands him the letter]
House: It's too bad. I was kinda getting into the whole hot for teacher thing.
Cuddy: Are you sure you're okay?
House: Yeah. False alarm... what about us?
Cuddy: We're good, just like this. You press my buttons, I press yours.
House: By buttons you mean... [epiphany] huh... [on his way out] You do make me feel funny.

Donny: How do I know you're not still lying to me? Saying I'm healthy just to make me feel better...
House: Does sound way, doesn't it? But this time, no sugar pills. I'm gonna cut into your brain to make you think I'm fixing it. And if our fake test confirm it, I'm gonna be cutting into your son's brain too because I'm just that committed.
Donny: Michael's gonna be okay?
House: Unless he walks out of here and gets run over by a bus in which case I'll reconsider your fate argument. [rises to leave] Wanna give him a call? Visiting hours don't apply to my patients.
Donny: Yeah, in a bit.
House: Yeah, that's what I thought. This "saving the kid from pain" stuff is crap. You just don't want anything in your life that won't let you do whatever the hell you wanna do whenever the hell you wanna do it. You've had it easy. Sorry to screw you up.

Known Unknowns (6.07)

House: Relay, I've got no idea what's wrong with her. So odds are… not fatal.

Chase: You lit the fuse, you need to watch the bomb go off.

House: [giving his diagnosis on the phone] Now Cameron… pick up the phone and give me a dramatic exit.

Teamwork (6.08)

House: This envelope is oddly medical-license-shaped.

House [to Taub]: The only obstacle to you coming back is your wife. And she's never been much of an obstacle to you.

House: I was w… I was wrwrw…
Chase: What were you wrong about?

House: Any idea where I can get a "Mission Accomplished" banner?

Ignorance Is Bliss (6.09)

House: Put it on Dr.Wilson's tab.
Cashier: I don't know who Dr. Wilson is. And we don't have tabs.
House: Do you know who I am?
Cashier: No.
House: Good. [leaves]

Foreman: TTP is a better fit.
Thirteen: He's right.
Thirteen: You thought I wouldn't agree with him? Ever?
House: You didn't agree with him. That's why he dumped you. — Oh… sorry. it was mutual.

Chase: I've got it under control.
Foreman: That's what you said about the Dibala incident. And obviously you didn't.
Chase: And talking about it obviously made things so much better.

Thirteen: Speaking of House… why did you come back? You must've taken a major paycut.
Taub: Life's too short to worry about money.
Thirteen: Your wife feels the same way?
Taub: She's happy to cut back on some things — like… sex.

Taub: I trust you had a wonderful Thanksgiving?
Chase: I don't remember. So I guess, I did.

House: Sorry, I can't remember if I mocked you yet for being a male nurse.
Male nurse: I think this counts.
House: Fair enough.

House: Sixteen splenectomies. Pretty sure he gets a set of steak knives with that.

House: You'd be surprised what you can live without.

Wilson (6.10)

Wilson: Where's House?
Taub: Performing his ritual hiding-from-Cuddy-to-avoid-getting-a-new-case dance. It's kind of a jazz-fusion kind of thing.
Thirteen: He's probably eating lunch in the morgue.

Wilson: I'm not here for an argument, House!
House: No. Right. That's room 12A.

House: Religion just killed another person.

House [after Wilson asks if he'll be at his transplant surgery]: No... If you die I'm alone.

House: Disappointment is anger for wimps.

Wilson: A problem delayed is a problem denied.

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