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Histeria!
Format Animated series
Created by Tom Ruegger
Starring Frank Welker
Tress MacNeille
Jeff Bennett
Laraine Newman
Luke Ruegger
Cody Ruegger
Nathan Ruegger
Maurice LaMarche
Billy West
Country of origin  United States
No. of episodes 52
Production
Running time 30 minutes
Broadcast
Original channel Kids' WB
Original run September 14, 1998 – 1999

Histeria! is an American cartoon series of the late-1990s, created by Tom Ruegger (who also created Tiny Toon Adventures, Animaniacs, Pinky and the Brain, Freakazoid!, and Road Rovers) at Warner Bros. Animation. Unlike other similar shows by Warner Bros., Histeria!'s purpose was not simply to entertain, but to also attempt to teach history as well, a residual effect of the network having to meet the FCC's recently implemented educational/informational requirements. A regular cast of characters would visit a different period or event in history and explain the event in a humorous skit or short segment. Frequently things were made into songs, historical figures had celebrity personalities, and various segments parodied contemporary entertainment (i.e. singing a song about Theodore Roosevelt in a parody of the Ghostbusters theme song).

Histeria! aired on Kids' WB from 1998 to 2000. It was to be WB's most ambitious project since Animaniacs. Like the aforementioned, there were 65 episodes that were originally going to be made, but due to being $10 million over budget, only 52 episodes were completed before being canceled in November 1998. More recently, the show has been in reruns on Toontopia TV (part of In2TV), first from March to July 2006, and then returning in October. In January 2009, all of the episodes were taken off the site. No DVD set has yet been announced.

Histeria! may have been influenced by 1978 French TV series Il était une fois l'homme (Once Upon a Time... Man). The French series featured the familiar series cast reappears as the contemporary figures of every historical time. Another possible influence is the 1988 miniseries This is America, Charlie Brown, which featured the cast of Peanuts interspersed within various events in American history.

Histeria! has since became a cult favorite, gaining a modest fandom; fan-creations can be found on the Internet and at fansites.

Contents

Characters

The hosts

  • Father Time (Frank Welker) is the 'host' of Histeria, allowing the cast 'travels' through time.
  • Big Fat Baby (Luke Ruegger) is the egg-shaped sidekick to Father Time, frequently accompanying him as he introduces the sketches. He is known for the foul odor he carries, caused by his constant pooping in his diaper, which is constantly stated to have been unchanged since ancient times.
  • Miss Information (Laraine Newman) is an aptly-named ditzy tour guide who leads a group of tourists through various moments in history, as if the world is her own personal museum. As her name suggests, she is constantly getting her facts wrong and sometimes coming up with some demented logic to justify her statement (for example, she believes the Washington Monument isn't named after George Washington because it isn't called the George Monument).
  • The World's Oldest Woman, voiced by Tress MacNeille, is a very old woman who claims to have dated every historical male in history. She particularly seems to have romantic interest in Bill Straitman.

The Kid Chorus

  • Loud Kiddington is a young boy noted for the extremely loud volume in which he talks. He often performs "dramatic reenactments" of loud moments in history, such as the Big Bang and the creation of dynamite; with each of this, the viewer is told to turn up the TV volume "for maximum effect." Sometimes, he also keeps watch of something by almost silenting muttering "I see it, I see it..." when it's in sight and then switching to screaming "DON'T SEE IT! DON'T SEE IT!" when he loses sight of it. He is voiced by Tom Ruegger's son, Cody Ruegger, and the character's personality is based on Cody because he "has the tendency to be the loudest kid on Earth".[1]
  • Charity Bazaar (Laraine Newman) is the female lead of the Histeria! Kid Chorus, and her main personality trait is that she is usually depicted as being very depressed, as shown by her catch phrase, "I'm not happy." She is willing to take a stand for animal rights, can be easily tempted with promises of being given cookies, and hates doing math homework.
  • Froggo (Nathan Ruegger) is a short blonde-haired boy in the Kid Chorus with a low, frog-like voice, hence his name. He often asks historical figures for two seemingly useless items that he can actually make an invention out of, though he does not always receive the requested items. He is also shown to have a large appetite, but dislikes turnips, and in "Americana", it is shown that he is a big fan of Batman.
  • Aka Pella (Cree Summer) is an African American member of the Kid Chorus who uses sassy lingo, often delivering comedically-timed insults to whoever she is currently hanging out with.
  • Pepper Mills (Tress MacNeille) is a hyperactive teenager driven to adoration for any and all celebrities. She constantly gets historical figures to give her autographs, and is then shocked to learn they aren't the pop cultural celebrities she has mistaken them for. She also occasionally hosts an interview show titled Pepper's Pep Rally.
  • Toast (Tress MacNeille) is a clueless teenager whose name comes from the idea that his brain is fried like toast. He hosts a talk show titled Ask Me If I Care, in which he invites historical celebrities to tell him what they're famous for, only for him to eventually eject them into the sky (sometimes even into space), because he never does care about what they're telling him. He also once mentions having a rock band, which he names Nasty Head Wound, and also mentions that he has an uncle named Melba. It is hinted occasionally that he and Pepper are in a romantic relationship.
  • Cho-Cho (Tress MacNeille) is a little Chinese girl who is more devious than she looks. Always accompanied by Lucky Bob, she likes to follow people around, refusing to leave them alone until they buy what she's selling. Her dialogue is almost always accompanied by "Chopsticks" as the background music.
  • Lucky Bob (Jeff Bennett) is a boy with a very noticeable overbite. He tends to speak with a dim-witted drawl. He usually only speaks when agreeing with something another character has said (regardless of whatever they said), using Ed McMahon catchphrases such as "You are correct, sir," "Yes now," and "Hi-yo!"
  • Pule Houser (Frank Welker) is an overweight kid in the show's cast who tends to take abuse and is prone to pitching fits.
  • Susanna Susquahanna (Tress MacNeille) is a little Native American girl with beady eyes and a large gap in her front teeth that gave her a gigantic, Sylvester-like lisp.
  • Kip Ling, Chipper the Crooked Mouth Boy, and the Bow-Haired Girl are three additional Kid Chorus members who usually only show up in the songs or in crowd shots. They do not seem to have any distinguishing characteristics like the rest of the group.

Others

  • Bill Straitman (James Wickline) is the straight man to the rest of the characters.
  • Mr. Smartypants (Rob Paulsen) is a shy genius who wears exceedingly large pants and spouts various tidbits of knowledge. In a piece of irony, he harbors romantic feelings for Miss Information.
  • Chit Chatterson (Billy West) is an eccentric commercial salesman.
  • Fetch (Frank Welker) is Loud's aptly-named dog, who loves chasing tennis balls and frequently asks the historical figures if they want to play catch with him. He appears to be of the same breed of dog as Hunter from Road Rovers.
  • Lydia Karaoke (Nora Dunn) is an employee for The WB who has been assigned as network censor for the show, and given the show's nature, this can be quite a hassle for her. Often, she interrupts the sketches to complain that what is about to be or has just been shown is inappropriate for children's television.
  • Sammy Melman (Rob Paulsen) is a spoof of the smarmy and desperate television executives.
  • Molly Pitcher constantly offers refreshments in the form of water.

Most of the real-life historical figures in Histeria were portrayed as caricatures of real-life celebrities from the modern era. The intent was to make analogies to contemporary individuals in terms of personalities and attitudes. These include appearances of Napoleon voiced by Jeff Bennett, Attila the Hun, Benjamin Franklin voiced by Billy West. Abraham Lincoln and George Washington, both voiced by Maurice LaMarche. Nostradamus, voiced by Paul Rugg often predicts the future for the cast and predicts the next segment.

Episodes

Season 1 (1998-1999)

# Title Airdate Summary
1 Inventors Hall of Fame - Part I September 14, 1998 Wraparounds: The hall of fame presents Alexander Graham Bell, Thomas Edison, J. Robert Oppenheimer and Thomas Crapper.
  • Alexander Graham Bell is introduced to the modern telephone system.
  • With Loud Kiddington's help, Thomas Edison gets an idea of inventing a light bulb.
  • J. Robert Oppenheimer and Toast discuss the Manhatten Project: An Atomic Bomb.
  • Alexander goes crazy about the modern telephone system and seeks Thomas Watson's help.
  • Mr. Smarty Pants introduces the engineer of flushing toilets Thomas Crapper.
2 Inventors Hall of Fame - Part II October 30, 1998 The gang once again digs into the Inventors Hall of Fame to honor Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson among others.
3 The U.S. Civil War - Part I September 15, 1998 Abe Lincoln provides a monologue, and gives a Histeria version of the Gettysburg Address. The Histeria gang also listens in to the Hits of the 1860s and The Emancipation Proclamation Hoedown.
4 The Attack of the Vikings September 16, 1998 The gang sings about being a viking, play see it/don't see it, and Meet the Vikings with Bill Straitman.
5 The Wild West September 17, 1998 The Histeria gang presents The Billy the Kid show, sings about the gold rush, meets the Earps, and learns about the Pony Express
6 The American Revolution - Part I September 18, 1998 The gang listens to George Washington give his monologue, visits Molly Pitcher, and attends the Showdown at York.
7 More Explorers November 13, 1998 More from the Confucius Group and learn why you should never explore without the Discoverer Card.
8 The Know-It-Alls September 21, 1998 The gang meets Nostradamus, and Rene Descartes, while discussing the Chicken or the Egg?
9 The Renaissance September 22, 1998 The gang meets Leonardo Da Vinci, see masterpieces of the Renaissance, and explore the book formerly known as "The Prince".
10 The U.S. Civil War - Part II September 23, 1998 The gang dives back into the Civil War and sings about it, damns the torpedoes, and visit Abe's Tall and Geeky Shop.
11 Really Oldies But Goodies September 24, 1998 Its a musical trip to Egypt as the gang sings about mummies, slavin on the pyramids, and sees the Epypt musical "Cats".
12 The American Revolution - Part II September 25, 1998 Histeria takes another look at the American Revolution as the gang listen's to George Washington sing a duet with his wife, attend the Boston Tea Party, and see Midnight Line.
13 A Blast from the Past September 26, 1998 The gang visits the Vomitorium, listen to the Big Fat Twin Babies sing, and meet Romulus and Remus.
14 China September 28, 1998 The gang takes a pop quiz and joins the Confucius Group again.
15 Tribute to Tyrants September 30, 1998 The gang meets Atilla the Hun and hear more from Miss Information
16 The Montezuma Show October 2, 1998 The gang visits the Sacrificial Well, stops in on The Order of the Eagle, and browse the Inca Shopping Network.
17 Loud Kiddington's Ancient History March 13, 1999 The gang sees the First Wheel, sing about the names of the Gods, and see an Olympic Moment.
18 Great Heroes of France October 6, 1998 The gang meets Joan of Arc, sing the Invasion song, and Purchase Louisiana.
19 The Terrible Tudors October 8, 1998 The gang plays Name Thy Cure, and tell the tale of the Tudors.
20 The Wheel of History October 9, 1998 The gang spins the Wheel of History and visits four places in history.
21 When Time Collides October 10, 1998 The gang looks at the United Nations and honors another Great Women in History.
22 Around the World in a Daze October 12, 1998 The gang explores explorers exploring the world. Columbus and Magellan.
23 Histeria Satellite TV October 16, 1998 Tune in to Histeria! Satellite TV for looks at various points in history.
24 General Sherman's Campsite October 17, 1998 The gang pays a visit to General Sherman's Campsite to learn more about Civil War times.
25 Return to Rome October 23, 1998 The gang takes a day and looks at how Rome was built and sings about it of course.
26 Megalomaniacs[a] October 31, 1998 The gang takes a look at some of the big bad guys of history.
27 The Russian Revolution October 24, 1998 The gang takes a look at Stalin and the Soviets.
28 The Thomas Jefferson Program November 7, 1998 Thomas Jefferson leads the fun when the gang learns handwriting from John Hancock, and makes a flag with Betsy Ross
29 Hooray For Presidents November 7, 1998 The gang meets President Lincoln again and explores even more Presidents.
30 The Legion of Super Writers November 21, 1998 Ernest Hemingway and Mark Twain join forces to bring writing to the world in Histeria! style!
31 Return to China November 14, 1998 More historical sketches regarding China are shown, such as the construction of the Great Wall of China and the Cultural Revolution. Plus, Yin and Yang are presented as superheroes!
32 Writers of the Purple Prose February 20, 1999 Famous writers Samuel Butler and William Shakespeare and see Marry had a Little Lamb 2000.
33 History Of Flight February 2, 1999 The gang meets the Wright Brothers and parks in the No Parking Zone
34 Presidential People February 13, 1999 A heavy musical look into the lives and doings of more presidents.
35 Histeria Around the World I February 27, 1999 The gang learns the complete an unabridged history of Greenland, Antarctica, and New Zealand and play Ask Me If I Care.
36 When America Was Young March 6, 1999 Daniel Boone and Benedict Arnold star in their own shows depicting the Revolutionary War and The Western Frontier.
37 Super Amazing Constitutions March 20, 1999 The Constitution gets a Histeria! overhaul and the gang meets Andrew Jackson and fire when they see the whites of their eyes.
38 Better Living Through Science March 27, 1999 The gang takes The Road of Invention to see what goes up, must come down and witness great moments in medicine.
39 The Dawn of Time April 3, 1999 Histeria! takes a scientific twist and looks at the dawn of time where only the World's Oldest Women knows much about. Dinosaurs included!
40 Music April 17, 1999 Histeria! looks at music and wonder "Music to Who's Ears?" with Mozart. Plus, Big Fat Baby and twin sing a jingle.
41 World War II April 24, 1999 Histeria! introduces the Freedom League and learns why there is nothing to fear from Franklin D. Roosevelt.
42 The Teddy Roosevelt Show May 1, 1999 Histeria! meets Teddy Roosevelt and explores the canal of Doom
43 Communuts! May 8, 1999 A twisted Histeria! look at communists including wraps from Winston Churchill and Will Rogers.
44 Histeria Around the World II June 5, 1999 The Great Woman World leaders therapy group and the Pastry War along with another round of Ask Me If I Care with Gandhi.
45 Americana May 15, 1999 A patriotic look at American lifestyles now and how they used to be and pay a visit to Berry Ding Live.
46 20th Century Presidents May 22, 1999 A Histeria! look at president Nixon and John F. Kennedy along with a little scandal called Watergate then Rally At The Beach with Pepper!

a Two versions of this episode exist: a sketch about Custer's Last Stand—in which the kids mistakenly believe he's running a custard stand—replaced a sketch depicting the Spanish Inquisition as a game show called "Convert or Die" after a complaint from the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, who claimed the sketch "[taught] children to reject Catholicism". It has since been restored on In2TV. 

Season 2 (1999-2000)

# Airdate Title Overview
66 47 The French Revolution September 24, 1999 The gang meets Nostradamus and a guy named Louie. Napoleon also appears (many size jokes ensue). And don't forget to take the Tennis Court Oath.
48 North America October 1, 1999 Its a wild look at North America! Stops include Canada, Klondike Acres and Mayberry. That is to say the Histeria! Mayberry.
49 Histeria Goes to the Moon July 17, 2000 Its one small step for man and one giant laugh for Histeria! as they set foot on the moon with Neil Armstrong and Apollo 13.
50 Heroes of Truth & Justice January 17, 2000 Histeria! takes a march with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and boycotts Busses and attend the trial of the century witch Socrates.
51 Euro-Mania March 24, 2000 Its off to Europe to witness the Renaissance and a scrapple at the chapel with another round of "Ask Me If I Care" with Charlemagne.
52 Big Fat Baby Theatre March 31, 2000 Take a look at random moments in history through the eyes of Big Fat Baby.

Cameos and cultural references

An integral part of the program was its use of popular culture to demonstrate historical events. Among the numerous pop culture references the show used during its run:

See also

References

External links


Quotes

Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

Wikipedia
Wikipedia has an article about:


Histeria! was an animated series on Kids' WB that featured a regular cast performing comedy sketches based around history, created by the producers of Tiny Toon Adventures and Animaniacs.

Contents

Catch phrases

Episode quotes

Inventors Hall of Fame II

Inventors Hall of Fame I

The U.S. Civil War, part I

The Attack of the Vikings

Ivar the Boneless: My brothers and I are leaving on a six-month loot and pillage of England, and we're looking for a ship with a savage countenant.
Chit Chatterson: Well, Boney, you've come to the right place! I've just the thing - one of our big, BIG sellers! On sale today only, we call it the terrifying King of the Jungle! [reveals a ship with a kitten figurehead]
Ivar the Boneless: It's a kitty!
Chit Chatterson: No, it's a ferocious jungle cat! ROARR!
Ivar the Boneless: It's a kitty! I can't invade England with a kitty on the front of my boat!
Chit Chatterson: Are you kidding? This thing will strike terror in their souls! It will send people running!
Ivar the Boneless: Only if they're allergic to kitties. I need something fierce!
Chit Chatterson: He's fierce!
Ivar the Boneless: He's smiling!
Chit Chatterson: No he's not!
Ivar the Boneless: That's one of those inscrutible little kitty smiles!
Chit Chatterson: No, he's thinking!
Ivar the Boneless: [sarcastically] Oh, thinking! Great! "Here come the Vikings, they're going to think us to death! Oh, my brain's filled with thoughts! Run for your lives!"
Chit Chatterson: Now now, Boneless baby, look at those eyes! They say, "I'm angry!" They say, "I'm dangerous!" They say--
Ivar the Boneless: They say, "Meow," he's a happy little kitten!
Chit Chatterson: I happen to know he's not the least bit happy. He's actually rather sad.
Ivar the Boneless: Oh, even better! "Run everyone! Here come the Sad Kitty Vikings! Look out or we'll depress you! Ooooh!"

Chit Chatterson: Okay, you want something fierce?
Ivar the Boneless: Well, that's the concept! Something that'll strike fear and make entire nations surrender and bow to us!
Chit Chatterson: I have just what you're looking for - the dreaded dragon! [reveals a figurehead of a duckling]
Ivar the Boneless: No, that's not a dragon.
Chit Chatterson: Sure it is; a fire-breathing dragon! ROARR!
Ivar the Boneless: No it's not, it's a duckie!
Chit Chatterson: Excuse me! Hello? A duckie? Earth to Boneless! That's a fire-breathing dragon!
Ivar the Boneless: With a beak and feathers?!
Chit Chatterson: Have you ever seen a real dragon?
Ivar the Boneless: No.
Chit Chatterson: They have beaks and feathers!
Ivar the Boneless: Not on my ship, they don't!

Chit Chatterson: We have a new design that just came in! We call it, Leader of the Wolfpack! [reveals a figurehead of a puppy] Whaddaya think?
Ivar the Boneless: I think you're deranged.
Chit Chatterson: Whaat?!
Ivar the Boneless: It's a puppy!
Chit Chatterson: No, it's a wol-uf! Howling at the moon! AH-OOOOOH!
Ivar the Boneless: It's a newborn puppy who's just done a naughty! Look, I don't think you're grasping the concept here. I want to soar over the waves with a ferocious figurehead on my ship!
Chit Chatterson: Soar, yes! How about a hawk, vicious, sweeping down for the kill?
Ivar the Boneless: Now you're talking!
Chit Chatterson: There ya go! [reveals a figurehead of a butterfly]
Ivar the Boneless: Hmm. Doesn't exactly resemble a hawk, does it?
Chit Chatterson: Sure that's a hawk all right, streaking through the sky! HAWWK! HAWWK!
Ivar the Boneless: Don't hawks have sharp talons, you know, CLAWS?
Chit Chatterson: Not always.
Ivar the Boneless: I think they do!
Chit Chatterson: They trim their claws!
Ivar the Boneless: What?!
Chit Chatterson: For special occasions, they trim them!
Ivar the Boneless: No they don't!
Chit Chatterson: Sure, for formal occasions!
Ivar the Boneless: Oh stop! It's not a hawk at all!
Chit Chatterson: Yes it is!
Ivar the Boneless: It's a butterfly!
Chit Chatterson: No!
Ivar the Boneless: Yes, a pretty butterfly, fluttering across the water!
Chit Chatterson: Hmm, hmm... I don't see it.
Ivar the Boneless: There's nothing scary here at all, is there?
Chit Chatterson: Well...
Ivar the Boneless: It's like all your ship's figureheads are being designed by a three-year-old!
Chit Chatterson: Oh, that's just not true!
Ivar the Boneless: No?
Chit Chatterson: No! Actually, I don't think he's over twelve months. [camera pans to reveal Big Fat Baby designing figureheads]

The Wild West

American Revolution I

More Explorers

Bill Straitman: Hello, and greetings from the Viking Museum of Weaponry. We're here today with Hakon the Good, king of Norway during the tenth century, and one of the great Viking leaders and warriors.
Hakon the Good: Glad to be here, Bill!
Bill Straitman: Hakon's brought along some weapons to share with us.
Hakon the Good: That's right!
Bill Straitman: Now I understand that great Viking warriors such as yourself like to name their swords.
Hakon the Good: True, Bill!
Bill Straitman: Brave names like Excalibur and so on.
Hakon the Good: Yes!
Bill Straitman: Fierce names; brutal, bloody names.
Hakon the Good: That is correct!
Bill Straitman: Well, tell us, what is this one called?
Hakon the Good: Oh, this one here? This is Bob! Bob the Sword! [pronounces "sword" with a loud "w" sound]
Bill Straitman: Bob?
Hakon the Good: Right! And that's Timmy over there! And right here is Greta! Greta likes Timmy, don't you, Greta? [as Greta] "That's right! I want to marry Timmy!" [as himself] But not if Bob has anything to say about it! Right, Bob? [as Bob] "That's right! You can't marry Timmy; I want to marry you!" [as Greta] "But I love Timmy!" [as Bob] "Too bad! You're marryin' me!" [as Timmy] "Over my dead body!" says Timmy! [as Bob] "Oh yeah?!" [as Timmy] "Yeah!" [as Bob] "Well then, let's go at it!" [begins fighting with himself using the swords, falling over backwards] "Hey, get offa me!" [as Timmy] "Oh, you're askin' for it!" [grabs a nearby axe and speaks with a new voice] "Stand aside, Greta; I'll take care of these two!"
Bill Straitman: Apparently, Hakon's helmet is a touch too tight. Thank you and so long from the Viking Museum of Weaponry. AAAAHH!
Hakon the Good: [as Bob] "Come back here, you! I'm not finished with you yet!" [as Greta] "I won't have you runnin' away from you!"

The Know-It-Alls

Nostradamus: Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white as snow
And everywhere that Mary went
There was a scary man named Hitler!

René Descartes: I drink, therefore I must visit the restroom. No... I wink, therefore I flirt with girls. Nooo! I sink, therefore I must take svimming lessons!

René Descartes: [answering the door] What do you want?!
Charity Bazaar: I'm not happy.
René Descartes: Neither am I!!

Cho-Cho: Hi mistah! Wanna buy a magazine? I've got Time and Sports Illustrated, Fortune, People, Entertainment Weekly, Highlights...
René Descartes: No! Go away!
Cho-Cho: Well, someone woke up on the wrong side of the windmill this morning! Right, Lucky Bob?
Lucky Bob: Yes!

Toast: Pizza's here!
René Descartes: What?
Toast: Here's your pepperoni pizza with extra barbecue sauce, hold the anchovies.
René Descartes: I didn't order any pizza!
Toast: Yeah ya did, I got the order right here.
René Descartes: That is not my address; this is for Galileo. He lives in Italy.
Toast: Well, I don't think I can get there in a half-hour or less.

Aka Pella: Like, mister, are you okay?
Toast: I think the dude's having a nervous breakdown.
René Descartes: Oh, you think so, do you?! Well, I think that -- Think? Think! That's it! "I think, therefore I am!" I did it! I did it, huhuhu! [in singsong] I found a basic axiom upon which to be acknowledged!
Toast: Spare me the details, brainy-dude. Can I get paid for the pizza now?
René Descartes: No no no, wait wait, I'm on a role! "I think, therefore I am!" Don't you see? It is so simple! If I think, then I exist. If I don't think, then I don't exist! Now I can solve any mystery known to man! Go ahead, ask me something! Something!
Toast: Who's gonna pay for this pizza?
René Descartes: I--I don't know. I have absolutely no idea. I can't think! Therefore I am-- [suddenly vanishes]
Toast: Gone, chuh! The dude stiffed me!
Loud Kiddington: What a gyp!!
Toast: Hey! Don't disappear on me, deadbeat philosopher dude! Think yourself back into existence! Somebody's gotta pay for the pie, man!

The Renaissance

The U.S. Civil War, part II

Really Oldies But Goodies

Father Time: [about Alexander the Great naming cities after himself] But for travelers, it could get confusing.
Toast: Yo, excuse me. Could you tell me how to get to Alexandria?
World's Oldest Woman: Sure thing, bubby. Just head southeast into Persia, cross the Zambrose Mountains, and when you hit Afghanistan, turn right at Kabul. You can't miss it.
Toast: Whoa, that's kinda far. Uh, how about Alexandria?
World's Oldest Woman: OK, y'know where Merv and Central Asia used to be?
Toast: Yeah.
World's Oldest Woman: Bingo!
Toast: Central Asia, huh? Well, what about Alexandria?
World's Oldest Woman: Ohboy, darlin', you just went right past it! Just turn around and make tracks about 1200 kilometers worth, and when you hit the Libyan Border, hang a right to the Mediterranean Sea. Then you row-row-row your boat, uno-dos-tres, and when you find yourself around a bunch of naked armless statues, you're there!
Toast: Uh... well, that really sounds out of the way. Do you think Alexandria would be closer?
World's Oldest Woman: Oh, you mean that Alexandria! Dreamboat, you're here!

The American Revolution part II

George Washington: [narrating] And so the British Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which taxed newspapers, playing cards, and all printed material imported by the colonies. The American colonists were not happy.
Charity Bazaar: We're not happy.
Pule Houser: Hey, this tax is unfair!
Froggo: We won't pay! [Redcoats surround them and cock their guns.] Unless they make us.
George Washington: Then in 1767, Parliament passed the Townend act, which taxed tea, paper, glass, and lots of other items. Now the colonists were even less happy.
[The Redcoats surround Froggo, Charity, and Pule with their guns again.]
Charity Bazaar: Now we're even less happy.

Father Time: The place, Boston Harbor. The date, December 16, 1773. Tea time, 4 PM sharp! But does the party start on time?! Noooo!
Samuel Adams: Well, Lendall Pitts, Paul Revere, and I were running a little late.
Father Time: For guys who're gonna be called Minutemen, you'd think one of them could wear a watch!

Froggo: Five colonists were killed by the King's Redcoats [in the Boston Massacre].
Ghost of Lead Colonist: Boy, and this made us so unhappy you wouldn't believe it!

Redcoat: This is a tea party, isn't it?
Samuel Adams: Yes sir, this may be remembered as the biggest tea party in history, sir!
Redcoat: Well, it won't be remembered for its abundance of tea, will it?

Native American #1: We would like to express our displeasure with the Colonists' choice to disguise themselves as Native Americans.
Native American #2: Their whooping and hollering perpetuates the stereotype that Native Americans are savages.
Native American #1: We are a peace-loving people who only use a war cry in battle to intimidate our enemies.
Native American #2: And when we're playing Yahtzee!
Native Americans: [in unison] YAHTZEE! [run about whooping and hollering]

A Blast from the Past

Father Time: Everyone be very, very quiet. The slightest sound could make this whole place crumble to pieces.
Miss Information: I just hope there's no truth to the curse of King Tut's tomb.
Loud Kiddington: Curse?! There's a curse?!
Miss Information: Quiet!
Loud Kiddington: What kind of a curse?!
Miss Information: Shh!
Loud Kiddington: I didn't know there was a curse!
Miss Information: Shh! The walls could collapse on all of us.
Loud Kiddington: I don't want to hear about any curse!
Fetch: I'm with him!

Father Time: That's right! Your very first wet nurse!
Toast: Uh... what's a wet nurse?
Announcer: And now, a word from Noah Webster.
Noah Webster: Wet nurse. Noun, meaning a woman who cares for and suckles children not of her own.
Crowd: Eww, gross!
Toast: Intense reekage!
Charity Bazaar: I'm really not happy.
Lydia Karaoke: And I had such high hopes for this show.

Lydia Karaoke: I'm officially writing a letter of complaint to myself!

China

Cho-Cho: As the great Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu once said...
Lao Tzu: A journey of a thousand miles must always begin with a single step.
[Big Fat Baby wanders to the edge of the stairs and falls down them.]
Cho-Cho: This is going to be a long trip!

Confucius: Never belch before a lady.
Froggo: Sorry! [points to Charity] I didn't know it was her turn.

Father Time: 1766 B.C. brought with it the Shan Dynasty, which led to the use of bows, arrows, and spears.
Froggo: Spears for fighting our enemies.
Loud Kiddington: ARROWS FOR DEFENDING OUR FAMILIES!!
Pepper Mills: And bows for final touches on our snappy hairstyles! Ahahahaha! I love it!

Pepper Mills: [in response to getting Benjamin Franklin's autograph] Hey, you're not Richard Gere! And what are you doing in this episode about China? That is kooky!

Father Time: Hi gang, Pop Quiz here! We ask several historical questions for our players then act flabbergasted at their overwhelming ignorance!

Lucky Bob: My friends call me Lucky Bob.
Father Time: Do you want me to call you Lucky Bob?
Lucky Bob: That would make you my friend.
Father Time: No thanks.

Father Time: If you're through, I'll introduce challenger #2, whose name is...
Susanna Susquahanna: [pushes her buzzer] Thuthanna Thuthquahanna.
Father Time: I thought it was Susanna Susquahanna.
Susanna Susquahanna: That'th what I thaid.
Father Time: Oh very good then. We have Bob and Thuthanna.
Susanna Susquahanna: That'th true.
Father Time: Sorry, no points for getting your own name right.

Tribute to Tyrants

Loud Kiddington: [regarding Lady Godiva riding through town naked] See it!! See it!! See it!! [swings away] Don't see it!! Don't see it!! Don't see it!! [swings back] See it!! See it!! See it!! (swings away) Don't see it!! Don't see it!! Don't see it!! ...and I don't wanna see it!!

Loud Kiddington: Lord Caesar!! Bad news!! There's a plot against your life!!
Julius Caesar: Are you sure?
Loud Kiddington: Yes, Lord Caesar!!
Cleopatra (World's Oldest Woman): Oh, Jules... Mommy needs a little help with her toga!
Julius Caesar: Get me my chariot!
Loud Kiddington: Lord Caesar, where are you going?!
Julius Caesar: To the Senate, where else?
Loud Kiddington: But the assassins wait for you there!! It could mean certain death!!
Julius Caesar: I know, I know, yippee!
Loud Kiddington: What a nut!!

The Montezuma Show

Loud Kiddington's Ancient History

Loud Kiddington: Hey folks, Loud Kiddington here! And just when you thought your Stone Age life couldn't get any better, along comes... the wheel!
Fetch: It's the biggest thing since the rock!
Loud Kiddington: My dog Fetch here will eat bat guano if I don't sell you a wheel.
Fetch: Eat what?!
Loud Kiddington: Yes, the wheel! All new for 3002 B.C.!
Fetch: I'm not eatin' bat guano!
Loud Kiddington: We'll discuss it later.
Fetch: No we won't!

Loud Kiddington: So come on down to Sumeria and buy a wheel! 'Cause if you don't, my dog Fetch here will eat a big pile of elephant plop!
Fetch: Say what?!
Kid Chorus: [singing] Go see Loud, go see Loud, go see Loud!
Loud Kiddington: We'll see you here!
Fetch: I quit!!

Loud Kiddington: Howdy, Carthaginians! Loud Kiddington here! And if I can't make you a deal, my dog Fetch'll eat a buffalo chip!
Fetch: Say what?!
Loud Kiddington: Yes sir, it's a giant year-end beast of burden blow-out! Check out these savings! Here's a nifty model - take a test drive on the all-new Lipizzaners!
Hannibal: Wussies!
Loud Kiddington: Or for rugged terrain, try our four-by-four all-weather oxen!
Hannibal: Puny!
Loud Kiddington: Or for something even tougher, we can fix you up with your very own Teamsters!
Hannibal: Disgusting!

Loud Kiddington: Howdy Roman citizens! Loud Kiddington here! And if I can't make you a deal, my dog Fetch'll eat a meadow muffin!
Fetch: Huh? What's with this kid?

Miss Information: And to our right is the great Cathaginian general Hannibal...
Hannibal: That's Mr. Hannibal to you.
Miss Information: ...who is plottin' a surprise invasion on Rome itself.
Hannibal: Would somebody call security?!

Hannibal: It's not snack time! I want your opinion.
Toast: Oh, well, I'd lose the hat, dude. It reeks.
Hannibal: No, not my wardrobe! If you were going to invade Rome, which way would you go?
Toast: [stares at the map and turns it upside-down] Uh... let's see...
Hannibal: [points to map] It's right here!!
Toast: Oh, right, gotcha. Uh... okay, I would go, like, uh... this way?
Hannibal: Of course you would! Because you have the I.Q. of a fence! Which is precisely why we will go through the Alps, and invade from the North instead! Assemble the troops!
Toast: Woah, check me out! I'm like, a military strategist. That's pretty cool, huh?

Father Time: In 218 B.C., Hannibal finally reached the Italian border.
Hannibal: Prepare to meet the wrath of the great Hannibal, you Roman dogs!
[Loud and Fetch suddenly appear in his path.]
Kid Chorus: It's Loud Kiddington and his dog, Fetch!
Hannibal: Now what?!
Loud Kiddington: Howdy, Hannibal!
Fetch: Your lease on the elephants is up, and you've exceeded your mileage!
Hannibal: Huh?
Loud Kiddington: That'll be 10,000 dinari!
Fetch: Payment due!
Hannibal: [laughs] I'm Hannibal! The greatest general the world's ever known! I don't pay bills! Now get out of my way before I turn you into roadkill!
Loud Kiddington: Have it your way! [He claps his hands twice, causing the elephants to sling their riders into the dirt. Loud and the Kid Chorus taunt them from atop an elephant.] So long, deadbeats!

Miss Information: One last question, Cleo. Why do you wear a snake on your head?
Cleopatra (World's Oldest Woman): What?! There's a snake on my head?! Get it off, get if off, get it off, get it off me!!

Great Heroes of France

The Terrible Tudors

Ivan Vasilyevich (Froggo): I'm czar. Behold me!

Teacher: OK class, you have three apples and then you pick two more. What do ya have?
Charity Bazaar: A bunch of stuff.
Teacher: Uh, close enough. Ok, what do you have if I take away three?
Charity Bazaar: Not so much stuff.
Teacher: Uh, close enough.
Father Time: In 1489, the plus and minus signs first came into use.
Charity Bazaar: [holding up a paper graded with an F-] You know, I wish I could go back to the good old days.

Chit Chatterson: Listen, Ive, now that you're czar, you need to add a "the" to your name.
Ivan Vasilyevich (Froggo): Huh?
Chit Chatterson: You know, like Attila the Hun, William the Conqueror? I've got a list of suggestions for you, compiled by our oppreresive despot search department!
Ivan Vasilyevich: Go on.
Chit Chatterson: OK, how about Ivan the Icky?
Ivan Vasilyevich: WHAT?! No!
Chit Chatterson: I agree, very bad. OK, here's a good one - Ivan the Disagreeable! I like that one. It says you're mean but you can still be reasoned with.
Ivan Vasilyevich: Absolutely not!
Chit Chatterson: Ivan the Finicky?
Ivan Vasilyevich: No!
Chit Chatterson: Ivan the Colicky?
Ivan Vasilyevich: No!
Chit Chatterson: Okay let's see, what else, what else? Ah! Ooh, this is you! You're gonna love this one, Ivey baby - Ivan the Naughty!
Ivan Vasilyevich: GET OUT! GET OUT! Aaaaaaah!
Chit Chatterson: Ivan, you're terrible!
Ivan Vasilyevich: That's it!
Chit Chatterson: Faboo! I knew we could work something out, Ivan, the Terrible! Can I just call you "Bull" for short?
Ivan Vasilyevich: NO! [kicks Chit out] That's three points, field goal!

Miss Information: In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue, and to commemorate his historic journey, each year we celebrate Columbus Day with big parades and shamrocks and leprechauns and people wearin' green clothes.
Christopher Columbus: That's St. Patrick's Day! All my day is famous for is the half-off men's underwear sale.

The Wheel of History

Father Time: The year, 245 BC. The place, Circue, Sicily. The scientist, Archimedes, Greek mathematician known as the father of geometry.
Geometry (Pule Houser): Hi pop, I'm home.
Archimedes (Chit Chatterson): Geometry son, what happened?
Geometry: Well, my classmates beat me up again!
Archimedes: It's sad. A lot of kids seem to hate Geometry!

Archimedes: [regarding his son Geometry being constantly beaten up] Ooooh, poor kid! I should've listened to his mother and named him Recess!

When Time Collides

Jenny McCarthy: Next up is Frederich Nietchze, who philisophized about the ideal individual being liberated from traditional values. He called his creation the Ubernietchze, or Superman.
Frederich Nietchze: [sitting next to Superman] I created him, but Varner Brothers controls the licensing rights! I DON'T GET A DIME!!

Around the World in a Daze

Christopher Columbus: Note to self: Never again hire anyone from Cabin Crews R Us.

Chistopher Columbus: Crow's nest! You see anything?
Loud Kiddington: LEMMIE CHECK, CAPTAIN! [peers through periscope] OH MY GOSH!! STRAIGHT AHEAD! YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT!
Christopher Columbus: What is it?
Loud Kiddington: GUESS!
Christopher Columbus: Land?
Loud Kiddington: [imitates buzzer] OH, I'M SO SORRY, NO! IT'S WATER!! YES, WATER! MILES AND MILES OF WATER! BUT WAIT! WHAT'S OVER THERE?! OH MY GOLLY! MORE WATER! WAIT! HOW ABOUT THAT THERE!? GUESS WHAT! MORE WATER! [tosses periscope away] YESTERDAY, WATER! THE DAY BEFORE, WATER! FOR THE PAST 70 DAYS, WATER! NOTHING BUT WATER! [face turning red] YOU STARTING TO GET THE PICTURE, CAPTAIN!?
Christopher Columbus: I think the crow's nest needs a little vacae.

Christopher Columbus: Santa Maria! Can't you take that smelly baby somewhere else?!
Charity Bazaar: Well, captain, this is the poopdeck.

Froggo: Captain Columbus, sir?
Christopher Columbus: Yes, what is it?
Froggo: We've finished cleaning your maps.
Christopher Columbus: Cleaning my maps?
Lucky Bob: Yes now!
Froggo: We wiped off those squiggly red lines that someone drew all over them.
Christopher Columbus: You did WHAT?!!? I drew those lines after spending hours upon hours, calculating our exact course! Now I have no idea where we are! Waaaaaaaaaaah!
Toast: What's with him, bro?
Froggo: I'm not sure, but I think we erased his math homework.

Miss Information: And so it was in 1492 that Christopher Columbus, with a little help from his friends, found America!
Toast: Guh! I didn't know it was missing!

Toast: Totally excuse us, captain-dude! But it's time for us to clean out your quarters!
Froggo: And when we're finished, we'll clean out your dimes and nickels.

Histeria Satellite TV

General Sherman's Campsite

Froggo: I wanna go on that choo-choo, I wanna go on that choo-choo.

Pepper Mills: Hi, I'm Pepper Mills! Y'know, working on Histeria!, I've gotten to meet some of the biggest names in the world! For instance, this is me and the girl who is not Sabrina the Teenage Witch! Here I am with the guy who's not Leonardo DiCaprio! And this is me with the people who are not the cast of 60 Minutes! Ahahahaha! I love people! And now, back to Histeria!

Charity Bazaar: [My friends are] all completely crazy.
Harriet Tubman: I agree.
Charity Bazaar: You and I are the only sane ones here.
Harriet Tubman: I think you're right.
Charity Bazaar: So... wanna fly with me to Mars on the mothership?
Harriet Tubman: What?! No way!
Charity Bazaar: [sighs] I guess I'm the only sane one here after all.

Return to Rome

Megalomaniacs

George Custer: I cannot wait until tomorrow, because I get better lookin' every day!

George Custer: I dare anyone to try and sneak up on us here!
Loud Kiddington: [sneaks up behind him] HEY MISTER!!

Aka Pella: I want a small double-mocha-java-chip! To go!
George Custer: I don't understand.
Aka Pella: It meeeeans, I don't wanna eat it here!
George Custer: Your words are...foreign to me. Are you speaking Sioux?
Aka Pella: Mmm-hmm. But my name ain't Sue.

Genghis Khan: Who keeps letting these kids in? The great Khan is tryin' to relax! Hello?! I'm guessing someone in security wants to lose his head over this!
Toast: Ho-oh! Sorry about about that, great Khan dude. We got a little distracted.
Froggo: The WB is running the Sister, Sister marathon. Oh, how they make us laugh.

The Russian Revolution

Father Time: In history, Stalin was a despot, a murderer, a Communist dictator. But on The WB, he's the star of his own sitcom, My Buddy Stalin!

The Thomas Jefferson Program

Hooray For Presidents

Loud Kiddington: DUCK!!
Daffy Duck: Will you knock that off?! Sheesh! A bird could develop a complex around here!

The Legion of Super Writers

Edgar Allan Poe: I've just completed a rewrite we can all be proud of! Johnathan Livingston's Seagull is now a bloodthirsty vampire bat named Caroline, who is mysteriously compelled to fly into the propellor of an airplane, on the first page! [laughs evilly]
Basho: It is still too long! [screams and slices Poe's book in half]

More China

Loud Kiddington: Hey Emperor!
Qin Shi Huangdi: Oww! With the yelling and the screaming and the ear. What is it?
Loud Kiddington: We're all finished, coach!
Qin Shi Huangdi: Really?
Loud Kiddington: Yup! The job is done!
[Huangdi's jaw drops after seeing what Loud points to.]
Qin Shi Huangdi: What is that?
Loud Kiddington: What you asked for! That's your Great Mall!
Qin Shi Huangdi: [makes monkey noises and hits Loud in the head with his hat a few times] I said wall, not mall.
Loud Kiddington: Whoa. Imagine my embarrassment.

Qin Shi Huangdi: What is a lanyard?
Aka Pella: It's these little things you weave at camp from plastic strips.
Pule Houser: Yeah, and you give them to you mom, and she goes "Oh, sweetie, this is so cute. I love it bluh".
Charity Bazaar: And you both know it's kind of lame, but she uses it as a key chain anyway.
Aka Pella: Because she loves your heiny.

Writers of the Purple Prose

History of Flight

Froggo: Do you have a bag of marshmallows and a crate of leeches I can borrow?
Orville Wright: Umm... no.
Froggo: NO?! NO?! OH NOO! NO, IT CAN'T BE!! AAAHHHHH!!!!

Presidential People

[To the beat of Green Eggs and Ham]
Loud Kiddington: I am Loud Kiddington, Loud Kiddington is me!
Would you like some broccoli?
George Bush: I do not like this broccoli.
I do not like it, let me be.
Loud Kiddington: Would you like it with some corn?
Eaten from a flugelhorn?
George Bush: I do not like it with some corn,
Eaten from a flugelhorn.
I do not like this broccoli,
I do not like it, let me be.

Histeria Around the World I

When America Was Young

Daniel Boone: All right, y'all scram! Git out the way!
Charity Bazaar: No. I will not let you devastate this innocent creature's home. I would rather die than let you ruin this land.
Daniel Boone: Ah'll give ya a cookie...
Charity Bazaar: Okay.

Loud Kiddington: Now Charity, why do you say your teacher's a witch?
Charity Bazaar: Well, she looks like a witch.
Molly Pitcher: They dressed me up like this!
Loud Kiddington: Is that true?!
Colonists: No no no no no no no!/No way!/I should say not!
Colonist 1: Well, the hat; we did do the hat.
Colonist 2: And the nose.
Colonist 1: And maybe the broom.
Colonist 2: Right, right! Yes, the broom, I forgot about that! Oh, and a couple of the warts.
Colonist 1: Oh yes, almost forgot about the warts!
Loud Kiddington: OK, that's enough!

Super Amazing Constitutions

Froggo: Do you have a bucket of worms and a keg of gunpowder?
Andrew Jackson: No!
Froggo: Okay, but don't come crying to me later.
[Later, after Loud informs Jackson that the war has been over for two weeks...]
Andrew Jackson: The war's been over for two weeks! [cries on Froggo's shoulder]
Froggo: I told you not to come crying to me later.

Andrew Jackson: Now listen up! I'm General Andrew Jackson!
Aka Pella: Oooh, are you related to Michael Jackson?
Andrew Jackson: No! Although I do have an uncle who looks a lot like Tito. Now clear out! This here's no place for children.
Aka Pella: It could be if you put in swings and a jungle gym.

Cho-Cho: General?
Andrew Jackson: What?
Cho-Cho: Will you bait Lucky Bob's hook, please?
Andrew Jackson: Huh?
Cho-Cho: Worms give Lucky Bob the creeps.
Lucky Bob: You are correct, sir!
Cho-Cho: Please bait Lucky Bob's hook.
Andrew Jackson: Why do you call him 'lucky'?
Cho-Cho: 'Cause he luckily got all the good looks in his family.

Better Living Through Science

Charity Bazaar: I don't wanna get disintegrated by a death ray. I have sensitive skin.

The Dawn of Time

Father Time: Then in 8000 BC came...
Loud Kiddington: THE NEOLITHIC PERIOD, OR NEW STONE AGE!
Father Time: When wild animals were tamed by farmers.
Loud Kiddington: Including pigs!
Porky Pig: Eh, th-t-t-t-t-t-t--
Loud Kiddington: Chickens!
Foghorn Leghorn: Ah'm a rooster, son, not a chicken! Pay at-ah say, pay attention, boy! Ah'm talkin' to ya! Kid doesn't listen to a word Ah say.
Loud Kiddington: And the very first cow! [A cow falls on Foghorn.]

Music

World War II

The Teddy Roosevelt Show

[Throughout this coversation, mosquitoes continually bite the characters.]
Toast: Mr. President-dude! Ow! Thanks for coming and stuff.
Theodore Roosevelt: Ow! Dee-lighted! What's wrong here, friend? Ow!
Toast: Well - dang! - for starters, just look! Ow! Mondo disease! The canal-digging is slowing down because everyone's getting sick - ow - with malaria and yellow fever! Ow!
Theodore Roosevelt: Hmmm... ow! The same two blasted diseases that crippled the French when they were digging the canal! Ow!
Toast: Ow! Whaddaya think - ow! - is causing it? Ow!
Theodore Roosevelt: Ow! I don't know. Ow!
Toast: Could it be - ohw! - the food?
Theodore Roosevelt: Ow! I don't think so.
Toast: Humidity? Goh!
Theodore Roosevelt: Ow! Doubtful. Ohw!
Toast: Ow! Tight pants?
Theodore Roosevelt: Nuh-uh. Ouch!
Toast: Bean-bag babies? Ow!
Theodore Roosevelt: Ow! Not likely.
Toast: Smell of gin?
Theodore Roosevelt: Who?
Toast: Never mind. Ow!
Theodore Roosevelt: Ow!
Toast: Those little bobbing-head dolls?
Theodore Roosevelt: Ow! Nope.
Toast: Too much - ow! - pocket change?
Theodore Roosevelt: Yeow! I don't think so.
Toast: Tapioca pudding? Ouch!
Theodore Roosevelt: Hey, maybe... naw. Ow!
Toast: Ow! Anything starting with the letter Q? Ow!
Theodore Roosevelt: No! Ow!
Toast: Spanish peanuts? Owh!
Theodore Roosevelt: No! Oww!
Toast: Aliens from Mars wearing golf shoes and lipstick?
Theodore Roosevelt: No, no, and you need help. Ow! Well, whatever it is, it's making the men sick. These pesky mosquitoes sure are driving me crazy!

Miss Information: [Loud is] like a little firecracker, isn't he?
World's Oldest Woman: More like a crate of dynamite!

Gutzon Borglum (Elmer Fudd): Hold the stwing wight dere and be vewy vewy quiet. Woud noises can stawt--
Lincoln Borglum (Loud Kiddington): WHAJDA SAY, POP?!?
Gutzon Borglum: An avawanche!! Aaaahhh! [a boulder crushes him]

Gutzon Borglum: Aah, finished! West and wewaxation at wast! And thanks to your help, it only took fouteen yeaws to compwete.
Lincoln Borglum: Aww, you're only saying that because I'm your son.
Gutzon Borglum: No, I'm saying that because working awone, I could've finished it in six yeaws!!

Communuts!

Loud Kiddington: [reenacting the fall of the Berlin Wall]
Big Fat Baby sat on the wall!
Big Fat Baby has a great fall!
Despite the destruction, Baby had fun
As East and West Germany united as one!

Histeria Around the World II

Americana

Charity Bazaar: You can lead a horse to water, but it's tough to get those swim fins on his hooves.

Loud Kiddington: Howdy Puritans and Pilgrims! Loud Kiddington here! And if I can't make you a deal, my dog Fetch'll eat a turkey pellet!
Fetch: Huh?! Can we talk about this?

20th Century Presidents

France

Charity Bazaar: We can't keep living like this.
Loud Kiddington: You mean 'cause all us peasants are poor and starving!?
Charity Bazaar: No, 'cause Toast is always hogging the bathroom.

North America

Loud Kiddington: Howdy prospectors and miners! Loud Kiddington here! And if I can't make you a deal, my dog Fetch here will eat an ariumu chip!
Fetch: Huh?!

Histeria Goes to the Moon

Lucky Bob: I spy, something that begins with the letter "B".
Cho-Cho: Blinking lights?
Lucky Bob: Nope.
Cho-Cho: Big moon outside window?
Lucky Bob: No.
Cho-Cho: Black darkness of deep outer space?
Lucky Bob: No.
Cho-Cho: A bagel?
Lucky Bob: No.
Cho-Cho: A blitz?
Lucky Bob: No.
Caption: 55 HOURS LATER
Cho-Cho: A bupka?
Lucky Bob: No.
Cho-Cho: Big Fat Flying Baby?
Lucky Bob: No.
Cho-Cho: A Bob who is lucky?
Lucky Bob: Uh... no.
Cho-Cho: Bursting blood vessels in the astronauts' necks?
Astronauts: TELL HER ALREADY!!
Sammy Melman: WHAT DO YOU SPY THAT BEGINS WITH A "B"?!!
Lucky Bob: Chocolate!

Heroes of Truth & Justice

Sammy Melman: Your Honor, this trial is a circus!
Loud Kiddington: I know! More cotton candy, please!

Sammy Melman: Say, you seem too young to be a judge.
Loud Kiddington: Yeah, and you seem too stupid to be a lawyer!
Sammy Melman: Hey!!
Loud Kiddington: No wait, I'm takin' that back! You seem stupid enough to be a lawyer!

Cho-Cho: When I get older, I am going to be a singer and change my name to Yoko Ono.

Loud Kiddington: [singing] 55 bottles of root beer on the wall, 55 bottles of root beer...
Charity Bazaar: Will you be quiet? I can't stand that stupid song.
Loud Kiddington: GREAT! YOU MADE ME FORGET WHERE I WAS! NOW I GOTTA START OVER! [singing] 99 bottles of root beer on the wall, 99 bottles of root beer...
Charity Bazaar: I'm not happy.

Cho-Cho: Lucky Bob, have you seen Big Fat Baby?
Lucky Bob: Yeth now!
Cho-Cho: Where?
Lucky Bob: In my mashed potatoes.
Froggo: Lucky Bob definitely needs a vacae.

Sammy Melman: And when lightning strikes, I suppose that's not Zeus shooting at liars!
Socrates: Well, what about when lightning hits a tree? Can a tree be a liar?
Tree: Trees can't even talk! Hahah! [is suddenly struck by lightning] Oops!

Lydia Karaoke: Mr. Socrates, no no no! Hi, I'm Lydia Karaoke, network censor, and we don't want consuming of poisonous beverages on Histeria! This is a kids' show!
Socrates: But I've been sentenced to death!
Lydia Karaoke: Well, you can't die on Histeria! Give me that!
Socrates: Good, 'cause I'd really rather have a double grandé mocha latté and a Snickerdoodle.
Lydia Karaoke: Now that'll kill you.

Miss Information: We're walkin' past the famous Washington Monument, which as y'all know is named after the famous city of Washington DC.
George Washington: Uh, ma'am, how many times do I have to tell you? The monument is named after me, George Washington.
Miss Information: Oh really? Well, I don't think anyone calls this the George Monument, now do they?
George Washington: Uh, no.
Miss Information: Case dismissed! Let's hustle, people! We're walkin', we're movin', we're headin' towards the Lincoln Memorial, which of course was named after the town carver of the same name.

Froggo: [in a spitball fight] Surrender or die!
Aka Pella: Ha! Surrender? I'll whoop yo' bottom!
[Aka shoots a barrage of spitballs that all land in lined patterns around Froggo.]
Froggo: She's good!

Euro-Mania

Big Fat Baby Theatre

Loretta: I have come to take over your castle! Surrender immediately and give it to me! [Froggo and Aka dump a bucket of water on him.]
Froggo: You asked for it!
Aka Pella: Try not to get rusted, dawg!
Loud Kiddington: Go home, you bums!
Loretta: This means war!
Aka Pella: And this means "Get away from our castle", homie! [She and Froggo dump another bucket of water on Loretta.]

Toast: Quick, dude! Get me a fan!
Loud Kiddington: Check! [pulls in Pepper]
Pepper Mills: Ahahaha! Sir Toastalot! [hugs Toast] You're the dreamiest!
Toast: No, dude, the other kind of fan!

Loretta: Okay, men, there will be no mistakes this time!
Kid Chorus: [mockingly] Rally, rally, the dumb guy's name is Sally!
Lisa: How did they know my name is Sally?
Loretta: It's not. Your name is Lisa.
Lisa: Right! Thanks, Loretta!

Lisa: Can we go home now?
Loretta: No! We're not stopping until the castle is ours. Charge!
Lisa: Visa or Mastercard?
Loretta: [gets stampeded over by his minions] I'm definitely over my credit limit...

Loretta: Ha-haa! We've done it! We've finally broken through!
Lisa: And now it's time to use our nastiest weapons!
Toast: Yeah, dudes! Those weapons are pretty nasty, all right. But they're not as nasty as ours! Bring out the secret weapon!
Lucky Bob: One secret weapon coming up!
[Lucky Bob loads Big Fat Baby into the kids' catapult and Aka launches him. Big Fat Baby lands in the arms of Loretta.]
Lisa: Awwww! Lookit the cute little baby! Koochie koochie koo!
[Big Fat Baby farts suddenly, causing the invaders to become queasy and faint from the smell. The Kid Chorus comes out to look at them.]
Charity Bazaar: I'm still not happy.
Toast: Hey, remember dudes, no matter how you fight your battles, war stinks!

Unsorted quotes

Froggo: Anybody got any lozenges?

[From a Kids' WB! promo]
Toast: Watch Histeria!, on Kids' W--
Pepper Mills: Hold it! "His! His! His!" It's always about guys! What about Hersteria!?
Toast: Whoa...
Pepper Mills: Like, you always hear about the fronitersmen. What happened to the frontierswomen?
Toast: Whoa...
Pepper Mills: And Thomas Jefferson? What about Thomas Jeffer's daughter?
Toast: I never thought of that. Hey, how about Florence Nightengale, and Lawrence Nightengale?
Pepper Mills: It's only fair!

[From another Kids' WB! promo]
Father Time: For the greatest ideas in history, check out a library. But for the funniest idea in history, check out...
Loud Kiddington: HISTERIA!
World's Oldest Woman: This is a library!
Others: Shhhhhhhh!
Father Time: Watch Histeria!, weekday mornings on Kids' WB!
World's Oldest Woman: ...at home, where you can laugh as loud as you want.
Loud Kiddington: BETTER!

See also








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