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The King of Queens
King of Queens cast.jpg
From left to right: Stiller, James, and Remini
Format Sitcom
Created by David Litt
Michael J. Weithorn
Directed by Rob Schiller
Starring Kevin James
Leah Remini
Jerry Stiller
Victor Williams
Patton Oswalt
Ricki Lake (2000–2001)
Lisa Rieffel (1998)
Larry Romano (1998–2001)
Gary Valentine (2001–2007)
Nicole Sullivan (2001–2005, 2007)
Opening theme "Baby All My Life I Will Be Driving Home To You" by Billy Vera (1999–2007)
Country of origin United States
No. of seasons 9
No. of episodes 207 (List of episodes)
Running time 30 minutes
Production company(s) Hanley Productions
CBS Productions (1998)
CBS Paramount Television (2007)
Distributor Columbia TriStar Television (1998)
Sony Pictures Television (2002)
Original channel CBS
Picture format 480i 4:3 (SDTV),
1080i 16:9 (HDTV)
Original run September 21, 1998 (1998-09-21) – May 14, 2007 (2007-05-14)
Related shows Everybody Loves Raymond
External links
Official website

The King of Queens is an American sitcom that ran for nine seasons, from 1998 to 2007, on CBS.

The show was produced by Hanley Productions and CBS Productions (1998–2006), CBS Paramount Television (2007) in association with Columbia TriStar Television (1998–2002), and Sony Pictures Television (2002–2007). It was filmed at Sony Pictures Studios in Culver City, California, USA.

After the series finale broadcast on May 14, 2007, The King of Queens became the last American live action sitcom that premiered in the 1990s to end its run.



Doug and Carrie Heffernan (Kevin James and Leah Remini) share their home at 3121 Aberdeen Street in Rego Park, Queens, NY with Carrie's oddball dad, Arthur Spooner (Jerry Stiller).[1]

Doug, who makes a living as a delivery driver for the International Parcel Service (IPS), spends most of his time at his home with wife Carrie. Carrie works as a secretary for a law firm in midtown Manhattan and later is a secretary for a law firm dealing in real estate. This is complicated by Arthur, who can be quite a handful—so much so that they hired a dog walker, Holly (Nicole Sullivan), to walk him along with her canine charges in the local park.

Doug hangs with his advice-giving buddies Deacon Palmer (Victor Williams), Spence Olchin (Patton Oswalt), Richie Iannucci (Larry Romano) and Danny Heffernan (Gary Valentine). His friend Spence is a Star Trek-loving geek who isn't very savvy when it comes to women. Deacon Palmer is Doug's best friend, and can often be seen working at IPS with Doug. Danny is Doug's cousin, whom Doug initially cannot stand but eventually warms up to. Richie is a fireman and casanova. The gang frequently hangs out at Cooper's Ale House in Glendale in West-Central Queens.

The show usually revolves around intricate plots between either Doug or Carrie (sometimes both) to get something out of the other or a third party; Deacon Palmer and Holly are typical targets of this. However, there are instances where one of the two, or both, are inspired to do good deeds (such as donating to charities or helping a person find a job), or to do something beneficial for themselves (such as flipping a house, or investing in the stock market). They (usually Doug) will typically botch these plans causing one of the two (usually Doug) to panic and humorously sabotage that situation, or they (usually Carrie) will get hung up on not receiving the proper credit for their actions. Most of the time the results of their antics leave the characters in a stagnant position by the end of the episode.

Unlike the traditional sitcom formula, the central conflict of many episodes is left unresolved at the end. Many episodes' opening teasers (in episodes that actually have a teaser) feature situations that have absolutely nothing to do with that episode's storylines (however, a few episodes do feature a teaser that is connected to one of the episode's storylines). The ending scene of most episodes is a very short joke that most of the time is related to the main story line.

Most episodes usually take place in the Heffernans' home and in the IPS vehicle driven by Doug, accompanied by his co-workers or friends. (The streets were filmed footage of various boroughs around New York, while the show was taped in California.)

Cast and characters

  • Doug Heffernan (played by Kevin James): Doug is an average parcel delivery man who exhibits a rather light-hearted and sometimes immature mentality. Doug's birth date is February 9, 1965. His misadventures are often fueled by his immature mannerisms and his love of food. These basic desires often cause him to think of strange, intricate schemes in order to get what he wants, although they always manage to fall through in the end causing constant squabbles between him and Carrie. Doug's tendency to give in to his temptations, despite promising Carrie otherwise is another common reason why the two have disagreements. He generally enjoys the simple pleasures of watching sports and playing poker with his friends. Doug is also a New York Mets, New York Knicks, New York Jets and New York Rangers fan. He is incredibly uncomfortable with change and will go to ridiculous lengths to avoid any kind of change in his little world, whether it's coping with his childhood dog's death (who in fact has died several times and was replaced by his parents with different dogs of the same breed), or with a simple change in his mother's recipe for lemon squares (artificial to natural flavoring). Unlike many married protagonists of sitcoms, Doug has rarely been attracted to other women.
  • Carrie Heffernan (played by Leah Remini): Carrie is Doug's sarcastic, sharp-tongued wife. She never finished college and is employed as a hard-working legal secretary. Her constant attempts to make their relationship and daily lives more romantic and meaningful cause Doug endless frustration, as Doug prefers things to be simple and to have as few restrictions on his life as possible. Despite Doug's obesity and lack of self-control, Carrie has rarely tried to make Doug go on a diet or make him feel bad about his weight. The more centered of the couple, Carrie often pushes Doug to make more of himself and improve his morals but can be just as unscrupulous as he. Carrie has a tough attitude and has been judged by Holly and Doug as being scary (particularly when she's upset). During a flashback, Carrie finds that she is usually happier (she describes herself as never being truly happy) when others are miserable. Carrie's best friend is Deacon's wife, Kelly Palmer.
  • Arthur Spooner (played by Jerry Stiller): Carrie's widowed father Arthur is the classic oddball of the family. He lives in the basement of the Heffernan house because he accidentally set fire to his own home in the pilot episode. Arthur is mostly known for his incoherent irascible outbursts. He tells a lot of questionable stories of what he claims he's been through in his past. Arthur is usually seen causing regular chaos and getting on someone's bad side with his antics, craziness, and obnoxious behaviors. Carrie and Doug sometimes have trouble finding some time alone just for the two of them because Arthur tends to get in the way. Even with all of his bad behavior, deep down Arthur has a heart of gold, which always manages to shine through, causing Doug and Carrie to feel guilty about yelling at him in the end. Arthur also tries to cause trouble with Doug's friends. He especially picks on Spence, but also (unsuccessfully) tries it on Deacon, who often refers to him as "the old man."
  • Deacon Palmer (played by Victor Williams): Doug's best friend. Deacon is the more responsible of the two, in addition to being the classic "family man." He is tall and athletic. Deacon and his wife Kelly have two sons named Major and Kirby. He's often seen hanging out with Doug, whether it's at their lunch break, over the weekend, or for a family gathering. Although he is often experiencing relationship problems, Deacon always has time to chill out and have fun. It is mentioned in a number of episodes that Deacon attended St. John's University in Queens, but whether or not he graduated is never referenced. In episode five of season six, "Nocturnal Mission", Carrie says that Deacon does not smoke or drink. In the first season episode "Best Man," Deacon mentions having served in the National Guard.
  • Spence Olchin (played by Patton Oswalt): Spence, another friend of Doug, is often viewed as the nerd of the group. Not only is he very paranoid, he also takes an interest in science fiction, fantasy movies, and comic book conventions—interests that his friends don't share. He is of Albanian heritage, and used to work as a subway token collector. In one episode, he is a "house boy" for Deacon and Kelly. His character is based largely on the actor who plays him, Patton Oswalt. Spence demonstrates intelligence and capability in a variety of pursuits, but he is haunted by his family history, his domineering and unstable mother, and his inability to assert himself with others. In Season 8, Episode 21 "Hartford Wailer", Spence is said to be from Ottawa. In the series' penultimate episode, "Single Spaced," Spence becomes obsessed with romancing Carrie when it appears she and Doug will divorce.
  • Danny Heffernan (played by Gary Valentine): Danny Heffernan is Doug's cousin, and he is also seen hanging out with Doug, Spence, and Deacon. In the show's early seasons Doug has a negative view of Danny, bordering on hate. However as the show progressed, they become friends and co-workers, and regularly hang out along with Deacon and Spence. Danny even becomes Spence's roommate in a small apartment. The two often looked as if they were involved in a romantic relationship together, and they fought like a married couple. At one point, they actually got legally married in order to get a free TV from a sales pitch after they discovered only married couples were eligible. Danny also used to own a pizza place, and he is divorced. He once had the nickname "Stumpy," which was given to him by Doug. As shown in the episodes "Silent Mite" and "Paint Misbehavin,'" Danny has asthma and uses an inhaler. Gary Valentine and Kevin James are brothers in real life. They both created last names for acting. Valentine is their father's middle name.
  • Holly Shumpert (2001–2006) (played by Nicole Sullivan): Holly is a cheerful, yet insecure dog-walker hired by Doug and Carrie to walk Arthur. She is often seen arriving at the Heffernan house to pick up Arthur, but is also a family friend of the Heffernans. She is often viewed as a bit strange because of her habits and the men she dates (not to mention her habit of over-drinking, to which she openly confesses). In one episode, Holly asks Carrie (referring to her inability to find a boyfriend), "What am I doing wrong? I give them money, I let them stay at my house." Overall, however, Holly is a gentle soul, especially when she puts up with Arthur's antics. Holly was written out of the series at the end of Season 8, but she later returned one last time for the series finale.

Recurring characters

  • Kelly Palmer (1998–2001; 2003–2007), Deacon's wife (played by Merrin Dungey): Kelly is Carrie's best friend. She is typically an agreeable, soft-spoken wife, and she has two children with Deacon. Kelly and Deacon have experienced some serious relationship problems, much more serious than the petty arguments between Doug and Carrie. On one occasion, Deacon mentions being hit in the head with a frying pan.
  • Lou Ferrigno (2000–2007) (played by Himself): Ferrigno is the actor known for his role on The Incredible Hulk. Ferrigno and his wife are neighbors of the Heffernans. A running gag on the series is that the neighbors (including the Heffernans) are fascinated by him and it gets on his nerves. Other characters often make reference to his previous role as the Hulk. For example, at one point Doug is angry and Lou tries to calm him down. Doug retorts with the famous line from the Hulk series "Don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I am angry."
  • Richie Ianucchi (1998–2001) (played by Larry Romano): Richie was also one of Doug's closest friends, but was quietly written out of the show in the third season due to Romano's request to work on another sitcom. During the third season, he only appeared in one episode, called "Paint Misbehavin.'" He addressed Doug as "Moose". Richie was known as the ladies' man among Doug's friends, even admitting to sleeping with Doug's sister. Richie is an FDNY firefighter.
  • Sara Spooner (1998) (played by Lisa Rieffel): Sara was Carrie's younger half-sister who was constructed as an irresponsible aspiring actress. She appeared in only 5 episodes (episodes 1,2,3,5,6) and then disappeared without any explanation. She was only mentioned one other time (although not by name) in episode 53 by Doug as an excuse to his boss to get out of performing a roast. After the show became more popular, Kevin James was asked to explain what happened to Sara during an interview. According to James, the producers couldn't think of any storylines to develop Rieffel's character, so she was discontinued. During the pilot she was on camera for roughly half the episode. However in the other episodes where she was included, her character did not have much to say or do. Subsequent dialogue suggests that Sara Spooner never existed, and that Carrie is an only child.
  • Ray Barone (played by Ray Romano): Doug's Long Island friend. This character is tied-in from the series Everybody Loves Raymond. This has led to guest appearances from three actors from the series who play Ray's mother, father and brother in that series.

Minor characters

  • Stephanie Heffernan, Doug's sister (Ricki Lake)
  • Veronica Olchin, Spence's mother (Grace Zabriskie/Anne Meara)
  • Doug Pruzan, Carrie's former boss at Kaplan, Hornstein & Steckler (Alex Skuby)
  • Joe Heffernan, Doug's father (Dakin Matthews)
  • Janet Heffernan, Doug's mother (Jenny O'Hara)
  • Supervisor Patrick O'Boyle, Doug's boss (Sam McMurray)
  • Carla Ferrigno, Lou Ferrigno's wife (2000–2007): Herself
  • Denise Ruth Battaglia, Spence's girlfriend (Rachel Dratch)
  • Mr. Kaplan (Carrie's former boss) and Mr. Kaufman (Carrie's most recent boss) (Victor Raider-Wexler)
  • Kirby Palmer (Omari Lyles/Marshaun Daniel/Philip Bolden)
  • Major Palmer (Desmond Roberts/Austin Astrup)
  • Young Doug (Tyler Hendrickson)
  • Young Carrie (Madison Lanc)
  • Father McAndrew, priest at the Heffernan's Church (Joe Flaherty)
  • Tim Sacksky, the Heffernan's neighbor (Bryan Cranston): returned unexplained for one episode (3x22) after moving out in episode 2x22 due to ripping off Doug in a water filter pyramid scheme. After that, the Sackskys were never heard of again.
  • Dorothy Sacksky, Heffernan neighbor (Dee Dee Rescher)
  • Mike Ross (Michael Lowry)
  • Debi Ross (Marcia Cross)
  • Mickey (Ford Rainey), a friend of Arthur's
  • Kim, Carrie's co-worker at Kaplan, Hornstein & Steckler (Melissa Chan)
  • Amy, Carrie's co-worker at Kaplan, Hornstein & Steckler (Christine Gonzales)
  • Dawn, Carrie's co-worker from the accounts department (Laura Silverman)
  • George Barksdale (Gerry Black)
  • Stu, Doug's uncle and Danny's father (Gavin MacLeod)
  • Jimmy, Doug's co-worker at IPS (Jimmy Shubert)
  • Duke, another of Doug's co-workers (Steve Tancora)
  • Georgia Boone, Carrie's boss at the Dugan Group (Lisa Banes)
  • Marc "Shmenkman" Shropshire (Sean O'Bryan)
  • Abby "Shmenkman" Shropshire (Elisa Taylor)
  • Mr. (or Dr.) Hofferman (Jason Peirce)
  • Donna, Richie's girlfriend (Sandra Taylor)

Guest appearances

Series finale

The King of Queens ended its nine-season run on May 14, 2007 with the one-hour series finale "China Syndrome," when it was revealed Doug and Carrie adopted a Chinese baby and had a baby of their own, as well.

Show background

Based on the lives of blue-collar couple Doug and Carrie Heffernan, The King of Queens debuted on CBS on September 21, 1998. For most of its run it was a Monday night staple, competing with shows such as the long-running drama 7th Heaven. In 2003, when scheduled against The West Wing and Nanny 911, it dropped slightly in the ratings. The final episode aired on May 14, 2007, which made The King of Queens one of the last longest-running sitcoms of the 1990s–2000s. The show is currently in syndication worldwide and airs on TBS in the United States and on TVTropolis and OMNI in Canada.

The character of Arthur was conceived with Jerry Stiller in mind, but he initially turned down the role. Veteran comedian Jack Carter was then cast and a pilot was shot. Soon afterwards, Stiller changed his mind and took the part.[citation needed]

The King of Queens was partly inspired by the classic television sitcom The Honeymooners, as the characters of Doug and Carrie are based on the Kramden couple, with similar mannerisms and deadpan expressions. In a 2001 episode of the show ("Inner Tube"), the show pays homage to The Honeymooners, as a distraught Doug dreams that he is Ralph Kramden, his wife Carrie is Alice Kramden, and his friend Deacon is Ed Norton. The sequence was filmed in black-and-white and the audio quality (including the audience) matches a '50s style.

Theme song and opening sequences

The Season 1 main opening was a simple eight-second sequence which showed the window of a subway train with moving through and quickly stopping at the original show logo, which then peeled off to reveal the names of the show's creators.

Starting with season two, the show added a new theme song called "Baby All My Life I Will Be Driving Home To You" which was written by series writers Josh Goldsmith and Cathy Yuspa, composed by Jonathan Wolff and Scott Clausen, and performed by Billy Vera and the Beaters. An instrumental version of this theme was used during the second season, but was replaced in season three with a new closing theme composed by Kurt Farquhar.

The opening credits from Seasons 2 through 9 featured an opening shot of Doug getting into an IPS truck, which then cuts to a far shot of a bridge, where he drives under a bridge in which the show's logo is digitally placed over. It then cuts to scenes of Doug, Carrie and Arthur spending time around Queens. In the season two sequence, Kevin James' starring credit was placed over a shot of the Brooklyn Bridge with the Manhattan skyline, but was re-edited after the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks that felled the World Trade Center. Two short versions of the sequence exist: in original airings where the opening was shortened due to time constraints and in some syndicated airings, the opening featured the shot of the IPS truck going under the bridge, then to the final shot of the credits where Doug and Carrie get ices at the Lemon Ice King of Corona on 108th St in Queens. The second version used in U.S. syndicated airings since 2007 simply features the first eight seconds of the full sequence with the opening establishing shots of Queens placed before the truck scene. In syndicated airings of season one episodes that have aired in the U.S. since the fall of 2007, this version replaced the standard season one sequence in all episodes for unknown reasons.

U.S. television ratings

Season Timeslot (EDT) Season Premiere Season Finale TV Season Rank Viewers
(in millions)
1 Monday 8:30 P.M. (September 21, 1998 – May 17, 1999) September 21, 1998 May 17, 1999 1998–1999 #35 12.5[2]
2 Monday 8:00 P.M. (September 20, 1999 – May 19, 2003) September 20, 1999 May 22, 2000 1999–2000 #34 12.7[3]
3 October 2, 2000 May 28, 2001 2000–2001 #26 13.4[4]
4 September 24, 2001 May 20, 2002 2001–2002 #21 13.9[5]
5 September 23, 2002 May 19, 2003 2002–2003 #27 13.0 [6]
6 Wednesday 9:00 P.M. (October 1, 2003 – May 18, 2005) October 1, 2003 May 19, 2004 2003–2004 #33 11.0[7]
7 October 27, 2004 May 18, 2005 2004–2005 #48 9.8[8]
8 Monday 8:00 P.M. (September 19, 2005 – May 22, 2006) September 19, 2005 May 22, 2006 2005–2006 #49 10.0[9]
9 Monday 9:30 P.M. (December 6, 2006 – May 14, 2007) December 6, 2006 May 14, 2007 2006–2007 #33 11.4[10]


Home media releases

Sony Pictures Home Entertainment has released all 9 seasons of The King of Queens on DVD in Region 1 (US only). In Canada, Paramount (through its rights to distribute CBS-owned programs) released the first 3 seasons on August 11, 2009. [1]

In Region 2, Paramount Home Entertainment has released the first 6 seasons on DVD in the UK. The series has also been released in Germany by Koch Media, all 9 seasons have been released.

In Region 4, Paramount Home Entertainment has released the first 6 seasons on DVD in Australia.

DVD Name Ep # Release Dates Special Features (Region 1 and Region 2 (Germany) Only)
Region 1 (US) (CAN) Region 2 (UK) Region 2 (Germany) Region 4 (Australia)
The Complete First Season 25 November 18, 2003 January 29, 2007 November 26, 2004 January 11, 2007 Pilot Episode Commentary
"Just Having Fun" featurette
Laughs Montage
bonus episodes
The Complete Second Season 25 April 20, 2004 July 9, 2007 March 31, 2005 July 12, 2007 "Kevin James: A Day in the Life of an International Superstar" featurette and Audio Commentary with Kevin James and Michael Wiethorn.
The Complete Third Season 25 February 22, 2005 September 15, 2008 September 2, 2005 July 31, 2008 Bonus trailers
The Complete Fourth Season 25 April 14, 2005 February 9, 2009 December 2, 2005 January 15, 2009 Bonus trailers
The Complete Fifth Season 25 June 20, 2006 May 18, 2009 May 26, 2006 May 7, 2009 Bonus trailers
The Complete Sixth Season 24 September 19, 2006 July 13, 2009 November 24, 2006 August 6, 2009[11] Bonus trailers
The Complete Seventh Season 22 January 16, 2007 March 22, 2010 March 9, 2007 April 1, 2010 Bonus trailers
The Complete Eighth Season 23 May 1, 2007 May 10, 2010 August 24, 2007 TBA Bonus trailers
The Complete Ninth Season 12 September 25, 2007 TBA October 19, 2007 TBA Bonus trailers
The Complete Series Box Set 207 November 6, 2007 TBA March 7, 2008 [12] TBA Interviews with the cast and other exclusive extras.

Blu-ray releases

Seasons 2[13] and 3[14] were released on Blu-ray Disc by Koch Media on November 21, 2008. They are presented with 1080p VC-1 video, 2.0 DTS audio tracks in both English and German with German subtitles optional. They include the same extras as the DVD releases from Koch Media. Though they are only released in Germany and Austria they are not region locked.



External links


Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

The King of Queens (1998-2007) is an American situation comedy series about a package deliveryman, his wife, and her father, who all live together in Queens, New York.


Season 1

Pilot [1.01]

[A argument between Arthur and Carrie]
Arthur: I've got two words for you: I'm staying right here!
Carrie: That's four words.
Arthur: Well, here's four more words for you: screw you!
Carrie: That's two words.
Doug: Arthur maybe you should stop saying how many words you are going to use.
[Arthur's house is on fire]
Arthur: I wonder if it's too late to get insurance.

Season 2

Meet By-Product [2.17]

[Doug's first encounter with Carrie was when Doug worked as a nightclub bouncer and his friend and co-worker Richie got him a a date with Carrie's friend, Lynn]
Lynn: Do know, get in to a lot of fights at the club?
Doug Hefferman: Well, you know, it's...I try everything I can not to fight. It's like I tell my boys. Always be nice. Be very nice. Until it's time to not be nice. very not nice.
Lynn: [laughs] I love that!
Doug Hefferman: Yeah, I can't take full credit though. Patrick Swayze said it at Road House.
Lynn: Oh, I never saw that movie!
Doug Hefferman: You never saw it...? It's only the greatest movie ever made except for Risky Business.

Season 6

Doug-Less (Parts 1 + 2) [6.01]

[Doug and Carrie are canoeing, and Doug is singing while they paddle]
Doug: ...56 bottles of beer- in the boat. 56 bottles of beer. You take one down, pass it around, 55 bottles of beer- in the boat.
[after a long argument between Doug and Carrie while they are still canoeing]
Doug: Just stop complaining and sing with me! It's fun! (singing same song detailed above, only louder and in a angrier voice) 55 bottles of beer- in the boat! 55 bottles of beer-
Carrie: Owls don't bite! They wear glasses! They're the nerds of the forest!
[Doug is lost in the woods, but assures himself he will make it out alive. Yells this after jogging to the top of a hill]
Doug: I will survive!!! I CHOOSE LIFE!! (line later repeated by Arthur Spooner)

Unidentified episode

Doug Heffernan

  • My name might as well be Fatty McButterpants.
  • Try and keep it together here, and know that I'm not mad at you - I'm mad at the situation. We're out of Cocoa Puffs.
  • All right, I'm glad you're all gathered here. Because you're about to hear the story of a driver, a swollen ankle, and get this, an iguana.
  • Friends just keep you away from TV.
  • Mahi mahi is for me-hi me-hi.
  • Oh my God, I'm Canadian!!
  • No longer being Mastercard's bitch? Priceless!
  • Oh, it took a while, but you had to go there: "Fatty like cake!"
  • Relax, it's not like I gave him my pin number! [pauses] Actually, I do use that as my pin number.
  • You're (Carrie) always the boss. No Doug, you can't [buy] a car. No Doug, you can't [get] steroids!
  • You're dumb as ass!!!
  • Shutty! (to viewing audience) Ain't turning out so good.
  • Just shutty and watchy.
  • Go on back to Shuttytown!
  • I just figured out what I want for dinner: A nice, hot bowl of Shut-it Stew!!!
  • You know, I've had Shut-it Stew before, and it sure as diddly didn't taste like that!!!
  • By the time he (Joe Heffernan) wins that golden caboose, you'll be sucking on a nice, cold Shut-Up-sicle.
  • Shut it uppie!
  • Well, if I'm so evil, then how come there's no horror movie called Doug? (points to Carrie) Carrie, huh?!
  • "Warning: Refrigerated trucks are not equipped with an internal lock. Please retain key at all times." Mother of ass!!!
  • Well, only Don Zimmer, but that was to pull back the reigns.
  • You are nothing less to me than a bilgistic pile of love-meat.

Carrie Heffernan

  • Doug, tell me what the hell is going on or, so help me, I will kill you. And I don't mean that funny "Oh my God, I'm going to kill you." I mean, I will stop your heart! (from Cowardly Lyin', Season 3, Episode 19)

Arthur Spooner

  • Don't hang the meat in the window, if it ain't for sale!
  • Life's just a big line, except at the end of it, there ain't no merry-go-round!
  • I told you so!

Other Characters

  • Spence Olchin: Oh my God! TiVo thinks I'm gay!
  • Deacon: (imitation arguing with son over phone): Is that what you want son!? You wanna live on the highway?


Carrie: [After abusing Arthur on phone] Oh my God, what if they are the last words I ever say to him?
Doug: Then I guess you're off the hook.

Carrie: Hasn't anyone said you look like someone?
Doug: Oh, you mean like every famous fat guy in every movie ever?

Ray Barone: What you got going on here? Log of salami, chips and cheese. I guess you're not buying in to this whole cholesterol thing, huh?
Doug: I buy in to it, I just wanna see how high I can get the numbers.

Builder: Is that a mirror in your pocket...or are you just fat?
Doug: What the hell?
[after Carrie goes temporarily blind]
Doug: You know what, let me help you.
Arthur: Don't help her!
Doug: SHUT OFF!!!

Carrie: What movie do you want to see?
Kelly Palmer: Something brainless. What's that thriller where the Earth starts to lose its gravitational pull?
Carrie: Oh, yeah..."Floaters".

Arthur: Darling, I need to borrow the iron.
Carrie: Dad, I told you. If you want a grilled cheese sandwich, I will make you one.

Carrie: I can't believe we had sex while you were driving
Doug: I know. It was hot though!

Doug: Do you think I'm a big sack of crap?
Carrie: Have you been reading my diary?

Arthur: What do we have here?
Carrie: We're going to Saint Croix.
Arthur: We are? Oh, goody. I'm so happy.
Doug: Well, I hope you're happy for us, because it's just Carrie and me.
Arthur: I see. Once again I humiliate myself by assuming that I'm a member of this family.

Joe Heffernan: You're out of your mind!
Arthur: I've never been more in my mind!

Arthur: You gotta hand it to those Japanese, though, clever people. Still a mystery to me how we ever got them to surrender in the Second World War.
Carrie: Well, we did annihilate two of their cities.
Arthur: True enough. Mystery solved.

Carrie: Is this how you take a bath?
Spence Olchin: Yes.
Carrie: You look like Ernie from Sesame Street.
Spence: What did I do to you?

Deacon Palmer: Douglas S. Heffernan... what's your middle name?
Doug: Steven. And yours?
Deacon: John.

Danny Heffernan: So what are we doing? Where's my truck? What about my route?
Doug: You know what, your first delivery is to Shut-it-Up Industries.

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