King of the Hill (1997
- 2009) is an Emmy-winning American animated television series
created for FOX. Unlike many animated sitcoms of its type that
generally tend to feature unusual or impossible events, King of the
Hill attempts to retain a realistic approach, featuring Americans
with average IQs, and seeking humor in the otherwise conventional
or sometimes even mundane.
- Hank Hill: Mother of God! It's all
toilet sounds! Where did you record this?!
- Dale Gribble: I know what's
wrong with it. It's a Ford. You know what they say Ford stands for
don't ya? 'Fix it again, Tony'
- Hank Hill: You're thinking of a
Hank is fixing his truck
- Dale Gribble: ... could be helicopters; UN
- Hank Hill: Dale! Give me some light! Now! I
can't see! (Hank drops his wrench) Ow, my arm! (The hood closes)
Ow, my head!
Dale runs off
- Bill Dauterive Uh, are you sure you want to be
messing with Hank's truck when he's not around?
- Dale Gribble: I'm gonna help get him this
alternator off. (Dale cuts a wire).
- Bill: Ah, Dale, I think you released the brake
- Dale: No I didn't. (The truck crashes into the
garage door). I gotta go! I got some, ah, edging to do. (Dale grabs
his cap out of the engine and he, along with Bill and Boomhauer,
run back to their homes).
- Dale Gribble: [regarding global warming] I say
let the world warm up...we'll grow oranges in Alaska.
- Hank Hill: Dale you giblet head, we live in
Texas. It's already 110 in the summer, and if it gets one degree
hotter I'm gonna kick your ass!
Peggy is attempting to say the names of reproductive organs for
a sexual education class.
- Peggy Hill: Happiness.
Happ-i-ness. Ha-penis. Penis. I did it! Ovaries. Uvula. Uterus.
Hank does a spit-take with his beer.
- [Dale is leaving a message on the Hill's answering
- Dale Gribble: You don't know
who I am, but I know where you live and you better cut it out if
you know what's good for you. Oh, and Hank, we changed that tee off
time to three o'clock.
The Order of
the Straight Arrow [1.03]
- Hank Hill: [As a child] When I
grow up, I want to sell propane and propane accessories, if my
grades are good enough!
- Hank Hill: We of the Order of the Straight
Arrow call upon the spirit Wematanye, protector of the sacred
ground that brings us cool water to drink and energy-efficient
clean-burning propane gas for all our sacred heating and cooking
needs. Wematanye says, respect the earth! She's ours, by God, our
taxes pay for Her. Also, it says here you gotta love all Her
creatures. Let's see...oh, here we go: Though we walk through the
valley of the shadow of death, you're gonna recommend us to the
spirit in the sky, with liberty and justice for all. Wematanye is
with you, and with Texas. Amen.
Hank's Got the
Dale sees Willie Nelson knocked out.
- Dale Gribble: Check his pockets
- Hank Hill: Your heart is telling
you?! Who's the boss, you or your heart? You are! Your heart is
your employee! So get your heart off its butt and back to
Unmentionable Problem [1.06]
Peggy is dreaming about Hank's funeral.
- Bill Dauterive: He looks like
an angel. A dead angel.
- Boomhauer: (crying) Hey man talk
about that dang ol' why, why?!
- Dale Gribble: It should have
- Peggy Hill: Oh, Hank. We never
got a chance to talk about your problem. And now... we never
- C. Everett Koop: Remember,
early detection is the key. Now pass in your algebra homework.
- Cotton Hill: Goodbye boy. See
you in HELL!
Cotton turns a toilet handle on Hank's headstone. Hank's coffin
is sucked into the ground.
- Nancy Gribble: (on TV) The temperature is a
pleasant 70 degrees. And on a more personal note, I'd like to wish
my friend Hank Hill a quick recovery from his embarrassing
Hank changes the channel.
- C. Everett Koop: -pation.
[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]: (While constipated and watching his
dog poo outside) Show off.
Westie Side Story
- Hank Hill: What the hell kind of
country is this where I can only hate a man if he's white?
Souphanousinphone: Kahn, for once try not to piss off
Hank meets Kahn for the first time.
- Hank Hill: So are you Chinese or
- Minh Souphanousinphone: No, we are
- Bill Dauterive: The ocean?
Souphanousinphone: From Laos, stupid! It's a
landlocked country in South East Asia between Vietnam and Thailand,
population approximately 4.7 million!
Hank ponders this for a few seconds.
- Hank Hill: So are you Chinese or
- Khan Souphanousinphone:: D'oh!
- Dale Gribble: They'll use a
blowdart; that's their way. You'll just think its a mosquito bite
until you die, then you'll know.
- Kahn Souphanousinphone:: I could just stay
home, order a bucket of chicken and watch Hee
Haw; same thing [as going to the Hill's for dinner].
Shins of the Father
Cotton discovers that Bobby began a sexist riot at his
- Cotton Hill: Bobby, I'm proud of
what you did at school today....So I'm buyin' you a hooker!
Keeping Up With Our
- Hank Hill: You're calling me weak!
Look at your little bird arms, they're no bigger than a cigarette.
I could smoke them things.
- Hank Hill: Is this John occupied? Esta es Juan
- Bobby Hill: Si.
King of the Ant Hill
(Note: the following quote comes from a deleted scene.)
Souphanousinphone: Put on shoes, hillbilly!
- Kahn Souphanousinphone: Where I come from we
got this thing called karma. You do something bad, it come back and
bite you in the ass! Big, white, stubborn ass!
- Bobby Hill: (Hypnotised by the Queen) ...YES... ...MY...
- Hank Hill:(Said to Dale Gribble after he
mistakenly thought Dale had died from a poisonous ant attack) You
gave your life to save my son. I guess that makes us even for you
ruinin' my lawn. What am I saying? Of course, it makes us
- Bobby Hill: This is the gun club?
I always thought this was a crack house.
- Hank Hill: I tell you what, you
can take a safety course, and if you're still interested in guns
after they've taken all the fun out of it, we'll go to the
Peggy discovers that Hank is not skilled at shooting a rifle.
- Peggy Hill: I still love
- Hank Hill: Don't play mind
checkers with me, man. I'm not in the mood.
- Dale Gribble: This tornado is
already at a level two on the Fujimata(sic) scale; that kind of
tornado can throw an egg through a barn door; two if one is
Dale is driving the Dead Bug with Boomhauer on top of the
vehicle, heading for the tornado
- Dale Gribble: All right,
twister. It's just you and me now. Ten years ago you took my shed.
Did you think I'd forget that? Come on, bring it on! [a
raindrop hits the windshield] GAAHH!! No! Please, let me go!
[Dale panics, and the Dead Bug veers out of control]
Hank is stopped by decontamination workers that are trying to
clean up the barrel of ant poison.
- Hank Hill: Come on. [honks
horn] Come on! Let's go! Move that truck! [an MP officer
walks towards his truck] My wife is stuck in Shining
- MP Officer: I'm not authorized to drive the
- Hank Hill: My wife is in danger,
damn it! Now make something happen!
- MP Officer: [blows
Bill walks over to Hank's truck.
- Hank Hill: Bill, thank God! Make
this idiot let me pass.
- Hank Hill: What did I do to
deserve this? I didn't mean to curse my wife to Hell!
Hank looks at a worker with a vacuum walking towards the
container. Lightning flashes and Hank sees in the worker's place
the Grim Reaper for half a second, then reality returns.
- Hank Hill: [worried]
Hank switches the gear into drive, and floors it. The tornado is
rapidly approaching Shining Pines.
- Hank Hill: Ahhh... AAHH!!
Bobby attempts to get an egg thrown through a brick wall via the
force of an F-5 tornado after Dale's story of such
- Bobby Hill: This is the chance
I've been waiting for!
Bobby throws the egg and it flies back into his face.
- Hank:You're Tough,Bill.You're the Toughest
Army Barber I know
- Dale:Set Your Mousse to stun there,Bill
Nancy is reporting on a tornado.
- Nancy Gribble: Mention your
home was destroyed, and get a free five pound bag of onions.
- Hank Hill: Fine. But I think you
owe my lawn an apology. *pauses* We're waiting!
Dale is wearing a suit for Halloween.
- Dale Gribble: Booooo! I am a
high-priced Washington lobbyist, peddling influence! Who wants
- Peggy:Luanne and Bobby are at Junie Harper's
- Hank:[Nearly chokes on His Beer,before
Swallowing] I came very close to spitting out Beer!
The Man Who
Shot Cane Skretteberg [2.7]
- Dale Gribble: I thought we
agreed to never discuss the horrors we saw on the killing fields of
the Family Fun Center.
Cane Skretteberg: I don't care how many guys you held in the
mens room, you still can't beat us!
Luanne: This is a great xerox of you!
Bobby: Hey his scoops bigger.
Pops: And theirs doodies in there right!?
Peggy asks Hank, "Did a woman ruin the Supreme Court?"
- Hank Hill: Yes, and that woman's
name was Earl Warren.
Bobby: (about an athletic cup) This cup has holes in it, how am
I supposed to drink out of this?
Doug the basketball coach: Bounce a ball in hockey, well that's
a mandatory drug test right there!
Wrestling Coach: Shouldn't you be teaching the girls about their
Connie: I wanna go to a party school, yeah Chico State!
Bobby: Some of the older ones have some breasts!
Bobby: Can I have some Gatorade now?
Clark Peters: Hey Bobby, if you don't beat Connie we don't know
what we'll do. So you better beat her!
Unbearable Blindness of Laying [2.11]
- Bobby Hill: (Stereotypical
Yiddish accent) Blind he's gone now!
Hank: Where's my finger?
Bobby: Are you a war hero like my biological grandfather?
Bobby: That is so Arizona!
Gary Kazner: Theres a uh, what are those things called a semi a
demi, a couple a dozen wheelers.
- Hank Hill: Who is calling me a
liar, you or the machine? 'Cause I need to know whose ass to
- Hank Hill: Fine. Where's the ass on this
- Boomhauer: I'll tell you what man.
You talkin' about dang ol' cuffs and collars man, it's all like
chik a chik a pa chik a.
- Dale Gribble: Computers don't
make mistakes. What they do, they do on purpose. Right now, your
information's being fed into every computer mainframe, satellite,
laptop, and supermarket scanner that make up the Global conspiracy
known as...The Beast.
- Dale Gribble:Who's not a quitter? My dead
friend Hank Hill or my new friend Rusty Shackleford?
- Luanne Platter Kleinschmidt:
Mama got outta prison! (excitedly runs to the garage)
- Peggy Hill: (gasps and drops
Ladybird's food dish in shock) Oh, I knew it! I just knew it! I
told them medium security would not be enough to hold that
- Luanne Platter: No, she didn't escape, She was
released! She's coming to visit on Saturday!
- Hank Hill: Uh...she's coming here?
- Luanne Platter: Oh, I can't wait to tell
Daddy! Oh, we're gonna be a family again! (excitedly exits the
- Peggy Hill: I will tongue kiss Bill before I
let that tramp in my house!
- Bobby Hill: Whoa.
- Hank Hill: Yeah, I was all set to
start a T.V. cabinet on Saturday, but it's gonna havta wait a day.
Luanne's Mama is coming to visit.
- Dale Gribble: (spits out his
beer in shock) That woman is a menace to society.
- Bill Dauterive: Well, I dunno
I never met the lady, but she did her time.
- Boomhauer: I tell you what, ain't
no dang ol' lady 'bout her man. She get all liquored up man, all
comin' on strong an' pawin' me like a dang ol' animal man. I tell
her no means no.
- Hank Hill: Yeah, Leanne is bad news I tell you
what. Peggy's brother was all set to marry a pretty pharmacist gal
until Leanne "entertained" at his bachelor party. [sighs] So he
marries Leanne and after 18 years of drunken hell, she stabs him
with a fork.
- Dale Gribble: I never thought I'd say this,
but, I don't think I can finish my beer.
Peggy is speaking to Luanne about Luanne's mother.
- Peggy Hill: Honey, marriage is about trust and
she..well she betrayed him. It was like a knife in his heart when
she stuck that fork in his back.
- Leanne Platter: Oh, you have such a lovely
home here. Of course if somebody turned on a fire hose it would all
- Hank Hill: Hey, Leanne. How's that job search
- Leanne Platter: Not so good. My best reference
just went in for chemical castration.
Bill is announcing his engagement to a drunk Leanne.
- Bill Dauterive: We're engaged!
- Leanne Platter: It was supposed to be a
surprise! (punches Bill and burps) I need a smoke!
- Bill Dauterive: This is the happiest day of my
Luanne is showing off her platinum blonde wig.
- Peggy Hill: I will not have you running around
all glammed up like Phyllis Diller!
- Luanne Platter: You're not my mama! Mama is my
- Peggy Hill: Luanne, you are never gonna see
her for who she is. Well I am sorry, but I have not got time for
pain. The next time that woman breaks your heart, I'm not gonna be
waiting there to say I told you so.
Luanne is begging a drunk Leanne to stop being provocative at
Leanne's engagement party.
- Luanne Platter: Mama, please!
- Leanne Platter: Will you quit callin' me
Leanne is about to stab Buckley with a fork when Peggy stops
- Peggy Hill: Excuse me ma'am, but that was
- Dale Gribble: Poor Peggy, she's dead.
- Peggy Hill: Leanne, whether you like the title
or not you are this girl's mother. She has been waiting her whole
life for just a shred of attention from you. But you don't even
know how to return a fraction of the love you get from your child
or even from your man. I hope someday you can live without alcohol
but until that day we can all live very nicely without you.
- Leanne Platter: I kicked your brother's ass
and I will kick yours too, sissy!
- Peggy Hill: Well, there's one thing you didn't
count on. My brother has got size 6 feet, but I don't! Ho Yeah!
(throws Leanne to the ground with her feet and kicks her)
Leanne steals a truck and leaves.
- Bill Dauterive: If she doesn't come back that
means she and I weren't meant to be and if she does come back, well
then...then I'll call the police.
Peggy's Turtle Song
- Bobby Hill: There's some milk in
the fridge that is about to go bad....and there it goes.
- Bobby Hill: There are 96 ridges on every
checker...except this one.
Part I:Propane Boom
- Boomhauer: Hey man, is this dang
ol' 911? Hey listen, there's a dang ol' fire in
here, and dang ol' Mega-Lo-Mart went boom!
- 911 Operator: I understand someone needs a
daquiri recipie. You are going to have to speak more slowly.
- Boomhauer: Dang... ol'... Mega-Lo-Mart... done
git went got it, and dang ol' boom!
- Peggy: HAAAAAANNNNNKKKK!
- Bill: CHUUUUUCCCCCKKK!
- Mega Lo Mart Employee: Buckley and Luanne are
Peggy is trying to think of new musings for the local
- Peggy Hill: Mix pineapple juice
and club soda, and you've got yourself a big bucket of crap.
From Peggy's newspaper article.
- Peggy Hill: You hear the
expression "Lie like a dog" so much it is almost a cliché.
Nine Pretty Darn
Angry Men [3.7]
- Cotton Hill: I'm goin' down to
the corn dog shack to watch the girlies make lem-o-nade.
A Fire Fighting We
Will Go [3.10]
Hank walks in the room with a food dish.
- Dale Gribble: Whatd'ya got
under the foil Mr. Party Pooper, some party poop?
- Hank Hill: "Heck, I thought I'd go ahead and
sharpen all the axes."
- Dale Gribble: (singing) "Hank's a lumberjack
and he's OK..."
[Boomhauer is telling the Chief what happened in his POV,
everyone except him is talking Boomhauer-style]
- Dale Gribble: Yeah, man, I tell you what, man,
dang ol' detector, man, government take away freedom of smoke,
talkin' 'bout yo, man.
- Hank Hill: Yeah, man, I tell you what, man,
dang ol' boy ain't right, man, talkin' 'bout kick your ass,
- Boomhauer: (speaking clearly) For God's sake,
Hank, act like an adult. And keep it down, guys, will you? I am
trying to get through an article on vintage Camaros, and I've been
on the same dang page for twenty minutes.
- Bill: Dang ol' pretty pretty pizza, man, I
tell you what.
- Heck Dorland: "I got bad news men. Chet
Elderson died. Natural causes." (Bill farts while his butt is
hanging out the top of the fire pole) "Oh, for cryin' out
[Bill has just been hit in the face with a hot Frito
- Bill Dauterive: My face hurts.
- Hank Hill: And it'll match your ass when I'm
done kicking it!
Three Coaches and
a Bobby' [3.12]
- Hank Hill: Bobby, I didn't think
I'd ever need to tell you this, but I would be a bad parent if I
didn't. Soccer was invented by European ladies to keep them busy
while their husbands did the cooking.
- Bobby Hill: Why do you hate what
you don't understand?
- Hank Hill: I don't hate you Bobby!
- Bobby Hill: I was talking about soccer.
- Hank Hill: Oh yeah, I hate
- Coach Sours: You little pantywads think you're
ready to play the Wolves again? The Wolves eat razorblades for
breakfast! Run, you bunch of pudgy-butted softies! Run, with your
fancy sneakers, with pumps, valves and lights on the back that can
set off a seizure! But what do you care? I ran around the world in
a pair of Chuck Taylors for the love of pete! Take a salt
Coach Sours: I'm gonna ride you guys so hard your gonna wish you
were all dead! I'm gonna chew ya up spit ya out take a big dump on
top of that and then i'm gonna get tough! LETS ROLLLLLLL EM
Coach Sours: Hey, butter ball, drag the body back!
- Hank Hill: Soccer was invented by european
housewives as a way to keep busy while their husbands did the
- Peggy Hill (To a group of soccer
moms): If we were in Canada you ladies would be snooty
The Wedding of Bobby
Kahn sees the fake wedding between Luanne and Bobby and believes
it is real.
Souphanousinphone: Minh come quick! Bobby Hill
marrying hillbilly cousin. You owe me five dollars. In your
- Luanne Platter Kleinschmidt:
Uncle Hank! Bobby's trying to get out of marrying me!
- Hank Hill: Bobby, you cut that
Love Hurts and So
Does Art [3.18]
- Bobby Hill: I've got gout!
Dog Dale Afternoon
- Dale Gribble: Boil up some
Mountain Dew; it's gonna be a long night.
- Dale Gribble: Hank, you were right! The Cubans
have my mower!
- Dale Gribble: They wanted to see me wet my
pants from fear... but they're too late!
- Hank Hill: You are officially the
Hank tells Dale to come down from a clock tower before someone
- Dale Gribble: Too late, I killed Shackleford!
No...wait, correction, Shackleford wants a pizza.
- Nancy Gribble: Hey, whatever
turns you on, that's what I always say.
Revenge of the
- Bobby Hill: I'd like a one-way
ticket to Mexico por favor. That means 'today.'
- Hank Hill: What's that smell?
- Cotton Hill: Look for the man
with the terrible smell!
- Cotton Hill: I'm an old man. Everybody already
hates me. But Bobby is just a child; he has his whole life ahead of
him. ... If I could take a bullet for my grandson, I would. Just
not in the face; that's how I make my livings.
II:Peggy Hill: The Decline and Fall [4.1]
Didi is handed G.H., the baby to which she just finishing giving
- Didi Hill: What's his name?
- Hank Hill: Y'know dad when you
call him "good Hank" it's gonna make me sound like bad Hank.
- Cotton Hill: Well you burnt my
burger didn't you B.H.?
Connie is trying to explain her problem to Hank
- Connie: Well, um, you see, uhh...
- Hank: What?
Connie writes something on paper and hands it to Hank
- Hank: (Reading the note) 'Mr. Hill, I just got
my first period.' Bwaaaaah!
Dale enters his basement and sees that his hamster has eaten all
of his food stores.
- Dale Gribble: How could you do
this to me Puff-puff?
Part II: High
- Bobby Hill: This is a failed drug
policy, Sheriff! You people make me want to drink. I will move to
Vancouver where they have weed and a basketball team.
- Bobby Hill:: Dad! Dad, the police are lookin'
- Hank Hill: (whispering to himself)
Oh, god! Debbie's hippie roommate turned me in for smokin'
- Peggy Hill: Haaaank!
Dale tries to open a locked door.
- Dale Gribble: Apparently this
door has some kind of anti-opening device.
Dale is talking to his pet turtle.
- Dale Gribble: C'mon, I'm not leaving without
my kiss. I can wait.... I can destroy you.
- Dale Gribble: ...which is why so many
people are suddenly allergic to peanuts. The
peanuts are emitting toxins as an evolutionary defense mechanism.
They're tired of being eaten, and now they're fighting back.
Luanne moves out of Hank's den and into the house Dale is using
as a clubhouse.
- Dale Gribble: Young lady, you march right back
across the street to Hank's den! That's your home and it will
always be your home!
Bobby accidentally sees Luanne naked and relayed the story to
Joseph, who begins leering at Luanne.
- Luanne Platter Kleinschmidt:
Stop trying to read the logo on my shirt!
Peggy sees a bumper sticker reading, "My child is an honor roll
- Peggy Hill: Oh yeah? Well my
child is God to billions of Asians!
- Dale Gribble: Wait a minute.
Every time I leave, you call John Redcorn. I know what's going on
here. Your headaches are a desperate bid for my attention. But what
do I do? I pawn you off on some Indian healer so I can have my Dale
time at the gun club, or breeding show turtles, or on the Internet
investigating unexplained phenomenon. God, I am so selfish!
Hanks installs a low-flow toilet and flushes twice.
- Hank Hill: Still?
Hank lawn dies due to a drought and Bobby tries to help.
- Bobby Hill: Dad! I just took a
thirty second shower and I'm gonna dry myself off on the lawn!
Kahn attempts to explain why his lawn is so green during a
Souphanousinphone: I use secret Asian watering
technique! I could spit in a thimble and water Central Park.
Comes Marching Home [5.6]
- Didi Hill: Sorry I'm late; I had
to take three buses to get here: one to get here, one to go back
and get G.H., and one to get here.
Yankee Hank [5.10]
- Hank Hill: It's your fault I was
born in New York and I can't drive my truck and I tried a bagel and
actually liked it. No, no more lies -- I loved that bagel!
- Hank Hill: The only woman I'm
pimping from now on is Sweet Lady Propane. And I'm tricking her out
all over this town.
Luanne Virgin 2.0
A sleeping Hank is awakened by a telephone call at home.
- Hank Hill: Uhh...Strickland
Propane, taste the...I mean, hello?
- Luanne Platter Kleinschmidt:
Uncle Hank, I quit being a virgin the first time I had sex.
- Hank Hill: Peggy...I can see your
- Bobby Hill: That's my purse! I
don't know you!
Bobby talks about his new penchant for kicking people in the
- Bobby Hill: Hey, I didn't go looking for
trouble. Trouble came-a-knockin' and Bobby Hill's foot answered the
- Bill Dauterive: I wish I had
a son to kick me in the nuts.
Dale suddenly kicks Bill in the groin.
- Dale Gribble: Be careful what
you wish for.
Soldier of Misfortune
- Bill Dauterive: The
invitation says we're supposed to bring chips and dip. We ain't got
no chips and dip!
- Drew Sherwood: My load is junk food. It's pop
- Mad Dog walks in on Hank talking into the cell phone on
Boomhauer's lap; from his position, it looks like Hank is
performing fellatio on Boomhauer.
- Hank Hill: I understand someone
needs a daquiri recipie. I was just calling for help, I swear!
- Dale Gribble: If you want to
elect me, Dale Gribble, president of the Gun Club, running on the
Save-Your-Sorry-Ass platform, say "aye."
- Dale Gribble: (holding a
plate of macaroons, small macaroons on one side, large macaroons on
the other side) Macaroon? I've got entrance wound size, and
exit wound size. (The small macaroons are called "entrance
wound size", and the large macaroons are called "exit wound
Peggy is giving her testimony to a Mexican court, in
- Peggy Hill: (subtitled): Your
honor, I can tell you are a reasonable horse. I am very pregnant
because of what happened with Lupe. She ate my bus accident and all
I wanted was to make Lupe into a book. I have too many good anuses
ahead of me to spend my life in a cigar factory.
Hank is trying to choose a Christmas ornament.
- Hank Hill: How about this
- Cotton Hill: Peace!? I bet you
would like that! Why don't you get one with a flag-burnin' on it?
Besides, we're a Joy family.
- Hank Hill: Dad, it's Jesus peace not Hippie
- Cotton Hill: Joy!!
Bill is attacked by Dale's new pet falcon who appeared to have
- Dale Gribble: Oh, he found his
Dale instructs his falcon to retrieve him a vole and it
immediately attacks Bill.
- Dale Gribble: ...so Bill's a vole.
Of Mice and Little
Green Men [6.14]
Dale is talking to Joseph.
- Dale Gribble: You're like E.T.,
except E.T. was a purebred alien with a heart of gold. You're only
half-alien and at times can be a tad self-absorbed.
A Man Without a
Country Club [6.15]
Kahn is talking to Ted Wasonasong, who mysteriously wants to
talk about Hank.
Souphanousinphone: What do you want with that
- Dale Gribble: What happens if
my tee shot lands on a bird's back and he carries it out of bounds
but then is attacked by a larger bird who grabs the ball and drops
it in the hole? Is that still a hole-in-one? Because that's how I'm
going to play it.
- Hank Hill: Dang it, Dale. It
already happened once. What are the odds of it happening
Beer and Loathing
Dale drinks a tainted beer and suffers the consequences.
- Dale Gribble: Step on it, Bill!
I don't know which way it's coming out, but it's coming out!
Fun with Jane and
- Hank Hill: No, you are not
tripping, that is an emu.
Dale believes his father is hitting on his wife. Thus, he throws
a knife and hits a mannequin near them.
- Dale Gribble: Get away from my
wife or next time I'll aim for the mannequin and hit you.
Dale talks to the audience at a gay rodeo.
- Dale Gribble: Attention homosexuals and so
- Nancy Gribble: This is
supposed to be my re-wedding to Dale! My second chance! Why is God
punishin' me? (looks up with her arms in the air) Why, Sug?!
- Bug Gribble: : Oh my god, Hank! Are you
- Hank Hill: What?! No! I sell
- Junichiro: I kick your ass!!!
Goodbye Normal Jeans
- Hank: (Upon Hank finding Bobby holding a
Cheerleader uniform) There better be a naked cheerleader under your
The Texas Skillsaw
- Hank: You shut your got-dang mouth or I'll
shove that Ditch Witch down your throat and dig a tunnel straight
through to sunshine!
- Big Jim: Ha ha, that's telling him.
- Hank: 'Felt good, too.
- Dale Gribble: Back off, Hank, or Octavio will
mess you up.
- Octavio: Gribble, I don't care if he stays or
goes. Where's the money you owe me, esse?
- Dale Gribble: You heard him.
- Big Jim: Take the first shot, Cochise. I love
two things: building doll house furniture and kicking ass. And I
don't see any no houses 'round here. You see any doll houses,
- Hank: No, I don't.
- Big Jim: No you don't, that's right! What are
you looking at, sport? Don't you eyeball me! Don't you eyeball a
JUNKYARD DOG! ARF! ARF! ARF! NOW YOU GOT THE DOG BARKING! YOU GOT
IT! YOU GOT IT! ARF! ARF!
- [yells, bellows, suddenly grabs his chest and keels
A garbage truck has fallen into Dales tunnel just seconds after
he's gotten out.
- Dale: Now that we're up here, what is so damn
- John Redcorn: Hank, this is an
important ritual among my people. Don't half-ass it.
Night and Deity
Dale explains his feelings to an attractive, female
- Dale Gribble: I've taken two
oaths in my life: One to the NRA, and the other to Nancy
Hicks-Gribble. I stood in front of God and all my friends, vowing
to be an honorable and truthful man. So I'm not gonna lie to you, I
have felt a small, insect-like attraction for you. But my wife is
the greatest woman there ever was!
Hank gives a toast at Patch's rehearsal dinner.
- Hank Hill: Hank Hill, best man,
Reborn to be Wild
- Hank Hill: Can't you see you're
not making Christianity better, you're just making rock and roll
The Incredible Hank
- Dale Gribble: So it turns out
I'm not the actual Dale Gribble, but a clone of him. The original
Dale Gribble is a super-warrior from the year 2087. The second me,
i.e. I, was created to help the first me fight the invading Mongol
- Hank Hill: Dale, that's asinine,
and here's four reasons why. First, you're not gonna clone a
super-warrior out of a guy who can't even win a thumb-wrestling
match. Two, you've spent your life swearing that the robots will
eliminate the clones by the year 2010, so which is it, robots or
clones? Three, you've already said you sympathize with the invading
Mongolians of 2087, so you'd be the last one they'd send to fight
them. And four, if you were from the future, you would have seen
Hank punches Dale in the arm.
Kahn is watching the Hills through binoculars.
- Kahn: Minh! Come quick! hillbillies having
old-school squabble on the front lawn!
Mihn runs in with binoculars.
- Minh: Oh, I bet she burn the meat loaf!
- Hank: 20% SHRINKAGE?!
- Minh: Why he point at crotch like that?
- Hank: You want me to put a patch on my
- Kahn: OK, this going in a weird direction
Phish and Wild Life
The park ranger wishes all of the hippies well as they finally
leave the park.
- Park Ranger!: Good Riddance! Go to Hell!
Après Hank, le
During the middle of a flood, the town seeks shelter in the
Souphanousinphone: Oh my god. This is just like when
the city of Luang Prabang fell to the Communists!
Only this time we can't steal political license plates and escape
- Joe Jack: How is your back,
- Hank Hill: Great Joe Jack, how is
your gambling problem?
- Hank Hill: Dang it, I am sick and
tired of everyone's asinine ideas about me. I'm not a redneck, and
I'm not some Hollywood jerk. I'm something else entirely. I'm...
While staying in a time-share condominium in Mexico, Cotton
comments on the quality of the bottled water in the room.
- Cotton Hill: They got the water
what don't give you the hot poops!
Dale to the Chief
Bobby is mocking Hank when Hank is mistaken as female on his
- Bobby Hill: Now where did I put
- Dale Gribble: I'm all jacked up
on America right now! Anyone want to hear me recite the
- Dale Gribble: Bill! Bill, you
have to be the stupidest man on the planet to think this is a good
idea! Have you seen what you're wearing? That outfit makes you look
like a sequined train wreck! Look at you! You're part of a
twelve-headed jackass! This chorus is the feces that is produced
when shame eats too much stupidity! You people make me envy the
deaf and the blind! Guhbuh! Underwear! Money! Fat! Ngyuh... (Dale
- Lucky: My father said he wouldn't get married
until he became the Disputed Heavyweight Wrestling Champion of the
- Hank: Uhhhhh. Did your father ever become the
Heavyweight wrestling Champion of the World?
- Lucky: No, neither he qualified for the
weight. And my grandfather said he wouldn't get married until he
spoke perfect French.
- Peggy: Oh, I don't think old grandpa ever got
past saying "Bonjour".
- Lucky: Nope.
Hank is playing a Grand Theft
Auto style video game called "Pro-Pain!"
- Hank Hill: Ugh...I just stabbed a
parking attendant! Uh, where's the "turn yourself in" button?
- Hank Character in Pro-Pain!: I tell you
- Hank Character in Pro-Pain!: Taste the meat
and the heat!
The Powder Puff Boys
Joseph is dressed as a Powder Puff cheerleader and is told to
redress into his normal clothing.
- Joseph Gribble: But I'm so
Strangeness on a
- Lucky: Lucky is on the case. That's usually
what I say when I drink beer, but this time it refers to this
- Khan: Lucky Kleinschmidt,it was you and Luanne
wasn't it? You trying to get in as much hanky-panky as you can
before she has her baby?
- Lucky: Not that there's anything wrong with
your premise but no, it wasn't us.
- Luanne: We haven't done in public since Lucky
almost fell off a Ferris wheel.
- Hank Hill: Dang it, Tom! Not only
you lied to me you lied to my son! How would your son feel if he
came home from the army and he-- (pauses) Wait a second, is your
boy even in the army?
- Tom Hammond: The boy is a standard comedian in
Boston. But, a deal is a deal, Hank.
- Hank Hill: I don't believe this! You know
what, Tom? I am gonna teach you what loyalty means! Mark my
Hank leaves the dealership and is next seen at a copy store
copying flyers that say "TOM HAMMOND'S WORLD OF LIES". Alex, a
college student, looks at one of the flyers.
- Alex: Ain't it the truth.
- Hank Hill: Yes it is. And I'm telling you
right now that Tom Hammond has to be stopped!
- Alex: I know! I did a whole term paper on the
damage people like Tom Hammond are doing to the world.
- Hank Hill: Well, there is no way I'm letting
Tom Hammond make this world a place that I don't want my son to
- Alex: I want to join your fight.
- Hank Hill: Well, all right! (Hands Alex a pack
of flyers) You can meet me at the car lot at 5 AM.
- Alex: 5 AM? Okay.
Hank drives his car to Tom Hammond's lot at 5 AM and starts
putting flyers on the cars. Cameras film Hank while the security
guards are asleep. Thirty minutes later, Hank looks at his watch.
It was 5:30 AM, a few hours before the dealer opens. Hank puts out
the last flyer and walks to his truck. Alex appears behind him.
- Alex: (Whispering) Hey! (Hank freaks out) It's
me! Alex, from the copy store!
- Hank Hill: Who's that? (pointing to Sparrow)
And why are they crawling?
- Alex: (Whispering) That's Falcon and Sparrow,
my friends. Man, we were really stooped up. We had so much fun
thinking of code names last night!
- Falcon: It's fells good to be finally doing
- Hank Hill: Yes, it sure does. Would've been
better if you guys were on time though. Now, I've got to get ready
- Alex: We weren't late. We were already on the
other side of the dealership.
- Hank Hill: Well, that's great! Well, I guess
our work here is done. If you guys need any propane, look me
As Hank drives away, Alex, Falcon, and Sparrow wave and put on
- Alex: Propane? Awwww. That would have been
great! (Hands Falcon and Sparrow flares) Next time!
Hank leaves the car lot. Several explosions appear behind him at
Tom Hammond's car lot.
(Scene goes back to the Hill house)
- Hank Hill: Yep. Right about now, the
dealership should be opening up. (Chuckles) I'd like to see Tom
scrambling to pick up those flyers off the cars before the
customers get there.
- Bobby Hill: Ooh. I'd love to see
that cheater's face!
- Peggy Hill: Well, I am just glad
you did not drive my car through his ass. I didn't know how you
were gonna do that, but you sounded serious.
As Peggy leaves, Dale and Joseph enter. Both of them witnessed
the Tom Hammond incident.
- Dale Gribble: So, how was your
morning going, Hank?
- Hank Hill: Pretty darn good I tell you what.
And your's, Dale?
- Dale Gribble: Well, Joseph went to his first
sleepover last night. Didn't go so well, he's a cuddler, so I had
to go pick him up.
- Hank Hill: Hmmm. Sorry to hear that.
- Dale Gribble: Not done! On our way home we saw
an explosion coming from Tom Hammond's car lot. Then, we saw what
looked like your truck driving away from the lot.
- Hank Hill: What!?
- Dale Gribble: So why'd you do it, Hank? And
more importantly, how? Because it looked like a really good
Peggy drops her bowl onto the floor and runs to Hank.
- Peggy Hill: (Whispers) Oh, Hank! You must
cover your tracks! We'll have to kill Dale!
- Hank Hill: (Getting out of his seat) There's
nothing to cover up! I didn't blow up anything! I was just passing
- Bobby Hill: Dad, I'm confused. So you should
trust people until they betray you, and then try to blow them
- Dale Gribble: Yeeesss!
- Hank Hill: No, Bobby! I wasn't trying to blow
people up, I was just putting flyers on the cars. Alex and his
friends the Sparrow and Falcon must've did it after I left.
- Peggy Hill: Okay, okay. So you did not blow up
the cars. You were a disgruntled customer who was hanging out with
someone named Alex and his friends The Falcon and Sparrow. Now, if
that's the story I am going with, that's the story I'll
- Hank Hill: It's not a story, Peggy! It's the
truth! I am going to talk to the police and straighten this
- [At the police station]
- Hank Hill: And speak of Bob Kelso. Charlie,
too. Officer, that's the lying, cheating man you should be
- Tom Hammond: Hank, I know that you're mad and
all. But, I didn't know you would be mad enough to torch my
- Hank Hill: The only thing I'm guilty of is
trusting you! Now I'll tell you what. I may go to jail, but I've
zipped my lips for the last time!
- Tom Hammond: J.B. I've been doing business
with Hank since the days of Thriller. If he says he didn't
do it, them by God, he didn't do it!
(Hank and Peggy become surprised.)
- Officer Brown: Can we still watch the rest of
the tape, Tom? Do you know how many strings I have to pull to get
to the conference room with the VCR?
- Tom Hammond: There is no need. VCRs are so
backwards. They're almost like racist or something. If you think
that is bad, it is not as bad the lack of wireless in the rooms at
the Philadelphia airport Hilton. For a hotel near a big airport
that is unthinkable.
Life: A Loser's
- Luanne: Normal people buy things with credit
- Lucky: Are you saying that Georgers are not
normal people because they pay for things with cas?
[Hank is helping Lucky with his credit card application]
- Hank: Here under employer you put Costco, you
never worked for Costco.
- Lucky: No, but Costco gave me the slip on
pee-pee money for my settlement.
- Hank: Pee-pee money is not an employment
history and look, you left your social security number blank here
[points to blank spot on Lucky's application].
- Lucky: Oh, I don't have one of them social
cards or a driver's license. My dad always said a man's wallet
should only hold cash, razor blade and a lucky poker chip.
- Dale: Gentlemen, I'm sure you recall my long
dreamt dream about building a guard tower in my yard.
- Hank: Dale, the zoning board has turned you
down six times and the last refusal was with extreme
- Dale: True, but for a structure under 40 feet
no variance is needed. Soon you'll live under the protection of my
39 foot guard tower! The zoning board has no say.
- Hank: Dale, that is --[Dale cuts him off
- Dale: NO SAY!
- Peggy:[sings to the tune of "La Cucaracha"] La
Peggy Hill cha, la Peggy Hill cha! Doin' dishes in the sink.
- Hank: Well, we're doing great on our list,
Lucky. Later today we'll go see my guy about a will, you want to
make sure the right people inherit your debts.
- Hoyt: I'll be back so quick you'll call
- Hoyt:I'm a lot better now, here I owe you.
[takes out some cigarettes from the pack and hands them to Lucky]
See, on the oil rig, these are like money.
- Lucky: Dad,were you in the state oil rig or in
- Hoyt: Smart man. [lays more cigarettes on the
patio table] That means we're like family. Say I got 10 cigarettes
and you pay me 10 more for watching your back. Now how many I
- Lucky: Twenty.
- Hoyt: No! Only 15 cause I gotta pay a tax to
- Lucky: Cigarette math is full of
- Kahn: Inspector, fine this redneck for
[after Hoyt lands his 3rd strike and will be serving a lifetime
- Luanne: I'm just sad that Daddy had to back to
his oil rig again.[turns to Lucky] He would be so proud of
- Hank: Well, he sure would but they really need
him on that oil rig. Otherwise they wouldn't have given him a life
- Peggy: Oil is very important to America.
- Luanne: Even more important than propane?
- Hank: Uh...yes Luanne. Oil is even more
Lucky See, Monkey
- Hank Hill: Aw, you're (his new grand-niece) a
cute one, I tell you what.
Master of Puppets
- Dale: (Imitating Survivorman) There is no
greater survival skill that the ability to start a fire without
matches. Fortunately Arlen is rich in natural propane tank
Dale opens the propane nozzle. He tries to get his lighter to
work. The tank explodes.
Kahn: Hey Hank Hill, I knew rednecks abandon
cars and refrigerators, guess we can throw kids on the list too!
- Bobby: Not one of [these girls] has seen my
"Flatulent Monkey Visits the Post Office" routine!
Peggy has asked for a cassette tape at a CD store. A man walks
up to the clerk who is assisting Peggy.
- Man: Hey, do you have that song that goes,
"Wah-nah-nah-nah-nah scroun-scrouna Wah-nah-nah-nah-nah
- Clerk: (To Peggy) I gotta... help a... real
Serves Me Right For Giving General George S. Patton The
Bathroom Key [13.15]
Dale and Bill are wrestling over a beer can.
- Kahn Souphinousaphone: Chain-smoking anorexic
vs. that heart attack waiting to happen! Who will die
- Cotton Hill: (In a letter) "Hank, if you're
readin' this it means Fatty's dead. So I have to leave this task to
the one most likely to screw it up: You."
- "I'm gonna kick your ass!"
- "I tell you what."
- "Assistant Manager, Strickland Propane."
- "Why would anyone do drugs when they could just mow the
- "I sell propane and propane accessories."
- "Strickland Propane, taste the meat, not the heat."
- "That boy ain't right."
- "Dang it, Dale."
- "Peggy, the boy."
- "Dale, you giblet head."
- "Peggy, go get my BC headache powder and a glass of
- "Ginseng tea? I'm not gonna get hopped up on dope!"
- "Bobby, I want you to do two things I pray you'll never have to
do again. Tape the Cowboys game, and give me an apron."
- "I am inducing vomiting!"
- "You failed English? Bobby, you speak English."
- "Boomhauer, I can't understand a word you just said... what
with all that legalese mumbo-jumbo."
- "Bobby, if you weren't my son I'd hug you."
- "An all-Texas Super Bowl... His will be done." (After Hank
discovers that the Houston Texans will play in the AFC instead of
- "Don't play lawyer-ball, son."
- (After viewing Bill's huge septic tank) "It's a shame we have
to put her in the ground."
- "That's asinine!"
- (To Kahn, who is Laotian) "Damn Chinese and their
- "I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot
- "Your mother is so ugly, it affects her self-esteem."
- "Nobody makes cheese like the Americans."
- "There's nothing sexier than a man with a 9 to 5 job."
- (Shouting to Bobby stumbling around on the roof) "It's a roof!
Not American Bandstand!"
- (Distraught) "I don't know whether to laugh or vomit."
- "For God's sake, close the door!"
- "Dang it, Bobby!"
- "Don't touch me. I'm on the John."
- "How 'bout I tie the long hair on your head to the short hair
on your ass and kick you down the street!"
- "You don't understand what a wallet is like. It's like money
- "Women don't like mind-games, Bobby. They like
- (Finding Luanne in bed with a boy) "I'm in a crisis situation
here; I gotta go find Bobby. You two take turns kicking each
- (Trying to divert Bobby's attention away from witchcraft) "This
is a carburetor. Take it apart, put it back together, repeat until
- "Shut the hell up."
- "I've got the strangest feeling someone's gonna kick his
- [under his breath, after Kahn has cussed him out in Laotian
and stomped off] "Yeah, yeah, I'm a broiled ox penis."
- "Ho yeah!"
- "Oh, Peggy." (Self-compliment after saying something she finds
- "Hank has a narrow urethra."
- "Spa-Peggy and meatballs."
- "Mrs. Peggy Hill!"
- "Carpay dam!"
- "And you know my opinion on monogamy. I am for it."
- "With Hank, it's propane first, family second and friends
- "In my opinion, kindling is the best way to start a fire"
- "The day after Thanksgiving is, in my opinion, the busiest
shopping day of the year."
- (To her Spanish class) "Endele classe, passen un testes"
- (To Hank, while Bobby is dabbling in witchcraft) "I want
grandchildren! Can you fix this?"
- "You've got my check, what do you care?!"
- (When asked her name by a Spanish-speaking magician) "Maylamo
- (When Connie referred to Bobby as 'just a friend') "Don't use
the 'f' word on me, not me; This is your cuddle monster
- "I'm a little worried about being a slut."
- "Dad! I've gotten Luanne pregnant!"
- (Mocking his dad) "Git out my house! My boy ain't much, but
he's all I got!"
- "Dad, do you ever have sex anymore?"
- "That's what boyfriends and girlfriends do. They see each other
- (With his pants pulled up, in heavy Yiddish accent) "What are
you talkin' about?"
- (Talking to a mannequin head) "You look really special
- "I like Jeff Gordon, he's handsome."
- "Hey dad, look at my poker face"
- "If my fist didn't hurt so bad I'd hit you again! Awww what the
hell?" (hits Joseph's face)
- "My Sloppy Joe is all sloppy and no Joe."
- "I could be a golf course drink girl."
- "Dad, what did the men do while the women were out
- (About a soda machine) "You're the reason I'm so fat and
- "I'm sweet on you, Connie! I'm your little candy man!"
- (Bobby is presenting Jesus' miracles in the form of a magic
show) Now, "for my next trick, I'm gonna need a large wooden cross
and a couple of volunteers..."
- (About a transexual and Hank's football game) "I'm gonna
remember one thing from today, either what sh-him just said or you
winning the game.
- (Greeting Peggy) "Hey, Hank's Wife."
- "I killed fiddy men."
- "Come and get your tootsie rolls." (After shooting Bobby's
- "I don't take no anesthetic. Do you think Abe Lincoln asked for
any girly gas when they blowed his head off?"
- "That's a good one, Hank's Wife. A woman fixing a car, that's
like a pig trying to read!"
- "Here you go, one Santy Anny's leg."
- "Hank's Wife! Havin' a pancake supper over to the VFW. I'll
need some pancakes... a couple hundred'll do. And all the syrup you
- "Sorry I'm late. I had to stop by the wax museum again and give
the finger to FDR."
- "Waffles! Where's my waffles?"
- "We'll see who can't drive their grandson at night without
glasses or a license, using a mop to press the pedals."
- (Talking about his urethra) "Mine's so big I could pass the
- "These is the keys to my Cadillac car. You know the rules:
under no circumstances is the wife allowed in my Cadillac car...
unless she's in a bag in the trunk."
- (After smacking a waitress on the rump) "Hey missy! How 'bout
- "Whatcha doin', Hank's wife? Some kind of women's work?"
- (After being scolded by Peggy for giving Bobby a loaded
shotgun) "You don't give a toy without batteries."
- "Ten-Four, Manimal!" (To Peggy)
- (Peggy told Cotton that she hopes he lives forever in the
personal hell he created for himself.) "Do ya now?" (Cotton dies
right after this.)
- (To Hank) "You can't control your wife and she's only half the
man I am."
- "Hank, you still like finger painting?"
- "Bobby, can you get me some lottery tickets?"
- "Is my butt too small?"
- (Looking for her baby) "Where did I put...(flatly) Oh, there it
- "You know so much, and I know so little."
- "I hate hate!"
- "Aunt Peggy, Mister Kahn saw me naked!"
- (Taking a mock quiz, being asked if propane is flammable or
not) Well, let's see, you can't eat propane..."
- "My professor says I have the most potential of any Junior
College student he's ever seen... and he invited me to dinner and
drinks to discuss it some more!"
- "If I had dangerous brain powers you'd be a million tiny little
pieces right now!
- "Function! Function, damn you!"
- (After being asked how her beauty exam went) "Well, I passed
lather, but I failed rinse... and then I failed repeat, because it
includes rinse, which I don't think is very fair!"
- (seeing a snake slither toward her) "It's coming to kill me! It
knows I'm a Christian!"
- "Boy Aunt Peggy, the words I don't know can fill a
- "BTU, British Thermal Unit, no bacon, no bacon, no bacon."
- "Guns don't kill people. The Goverment does"
- "I never thought I'd say this, but I don't think I can finish
- "My name is Rusty Shackleford."
- "The Assault on My Home was a Hate Crime.Somebody Hates
- "I blame the media-blamers."
- "Hank, It's 3AM and someone invades your home. You don't have a
gun. How are you going to shoot him?"
- "I killed eight gophers last year and a purebred Tennessee
walking horse that was looking at me funny."
- (When Hank's Porta Potti collapses while he's in it) "He's a
- (When Hank points out how pale Dale is, who beleives he is a
Native American) "I am the albino buffalo. Deal with it."
- "Either there's a crack in the driveway, or the Chinese are
making their move."
- "Whoa! Hold on, son! I want you to keep an open mind so you can
make an informed decision! If you want, you can read a bloated
government report on smoking, or go straight to the horse's mouth
and get the facts from the tobacco industry." (He reads the
aforementioned tobacco industry-funded report on smoking)
- "Gentlemen, the crap has literally been scared out of me."
- "I don't mean to sound racist, but this by far is the best
selection of beans I have ever seen. I'm serious."
- (After a trampoline falls on his foot) "Aah! This is a sign
that we have been playing God with Buckley's trampoline and now God
is playing God with us, and He's a whole lot better at it. I refuse
to touch this porthole to hell!"
- (After having a muffin knocked out of his hands) "My
- (After exhaling a puff of smoke) "My throat's on fire!"
- "At least we're going to die together. Peggy, you go die over
- "I'm too pretty to go to jail!"
- "It said P-lacebo... it must be made by P-fizer"
- (Walking out of the animal control center, sees a squirrel)
"Kill ya' later! Aww, what the hell?" (charges the squirrel)
- (On the telephone) "How do I know it's Jack Ruby's hat? (pause)
Well if I'm gonna spend money on it I gotta know if it's Jack
Ruby's hat! (pause) OK, what colors does it come in?"
- "You're asking ME if I have theories?"
- "Pocket sand!" (tosses sand in the eyes of his attacker)
- "Squirrel tactics!"
- "Turbines!" (NOTE: He is in a air vent filled with roaches, he
promptly rotates and kills several)
- (After blowing up the shack that Hank just built because Hank's
father wanted it destroyed) "Yee-haw! That was for you young
colonel!" (Runs off)
- (In response to Joseph asking her whether or not Dale is his
"Of course! Why would you ask something like that? He's your
Dad! He's your Dad, he's your Dad! He's your Dad! Okay!"
- "I love Dale, but in a lights-on sort of way."
- "But I don't want to die. I just want to read the
- "Aww Shug, we're outta sugar, Shug!"
- "I don't want to die! And I don't want to go to heaven with
- "As far as an eighth of a tank of gas can get me."
- "It's all so stupid!"
- (Answering Bobby's question) "Because I'm creepy and you're fat
and kinda dumb."
- (Sobbing on his knees after he finds that his flag has been
destroyed) "What kind of an animal would do something like this? A
- "But, my life sucks!"
- "Lenore! Lenore!"
- "Why does everything I love run away from me?" (Hank replies
with "Because you have to hug everything like a jackass!")
- "I would never join a religion that restricted my diet. I don't
want to get into heaven that way."
- "Can't a man get his own Ranger Dog?"
- "Well, I think we all could use a bath."
- (Dressed up like Lenore and talking in a high-pitched voice)
"Why do you keep calling me 'Bill'?"
- (Trying on his old high school football helmet) "Hank, how'd my
head get so fat?"
- "My dad used to punish me by telling me I was a girl. He used
to make me wear a dress! Pretty, pretty dresses."
- "I don't know what's going on, but this is like the part of the
movie where I'm wondering why don't they just get out of the
- "What are you going to do, shoot me with my beer?"
- "Peggy! If I knew you'd be coming over, I would've put on some
- (Leanne punches him after publicly announcing his engagement)
"This is the happiest day in my life."
- "Did you come to have breakfast with me because you thought I
- (Referring to the Dear John letter written to him by wife
Lenore) "I had to destroy it before it destroyed me."
- (In a self-help class in a mental hospital) "In the alley,
nobody wants me, but here, I feel accepted."
- (When Hank releases him from the mental hospital) "I don't
know, I'm making real progress here, I want to stay a few more
days." (Hank replies, "Get in the truck, Bill.") "My feelings are
valid, Hank. I'm VALID!"
- (After the garbage truck steals his new garbage can)
"Everything I love is taken from me!"
- "I'm so depressed, I can't even blink."
- "I made most of my life decisions at a Foghat concert... I
stand by them."
- "Does this suit smell like embalming fluid to you?"
- "Oh, gee Peggy, I'd love to help. But Tuesday's my
- (Trying to put on his old football helmet) "Hank, how did my
head get so fat?"
- "Them dang ol' New York boys, just a show about nothing."
- "Dang ol' Bill, man!!"
- "Jus' sand in the wind, man."
- "Yeah man, I tell ya what, man. That dang ol' internet, man.
You just go on there and point and click. Talk about W-W-dot-W-com.
An' lotsa nekkid chicks on there, man. Click Click Click Click
Click. It's real easy, man."
- "Life's like a dang ol' Rubik's cube, man. You move all the
colors around and when you get one side you mess up the other side,
- (Doing an impression of Hank) "Man, Dang ol' Propane Propane
- (As a ghost) "Dang ol' BOO, Man!"
- "Talkin' about dang ol'... life's a journey, man."
- (Repeating advice he was given earlier) "Beat the surfer, man."
(He smacks a surfer with his surf board)
- (To Bobby) "Hey man, your daddy quotes me? Hey man, maybe we'll
stay mad at Hank for just one week." (Versus three)
- (To a 911 Operator) Talkin' 'bout, Dang Ol BOOM!
- "As a licensed New Age healer I feel obligated to tell you...
that's just weird!"
- "Hey, Bobby, you like to rock."
- "Hey, what a co-inky-dink."
- "I thought we said no bouncies!"
- "The ball was wet... there was nothing any of us could have
- "I have a gala..."
- "I know, it's just that I've healed you three to five nights a
week for many years."
- (In response to Nancy calling Joseph Dale's son) "You say that
now, but when it comes time to get him into college, let's see what
box you check."
- "Would you like an organic pop-tart?"(To Bobby when he was
forced to babysit)
- (After Dale asks him if his people celebrates thanksgiving) "We
- (Directed at Bobby) "I used to chase skirt with your
grand-daddy. He's a mean kind of funny."
- "And try to find one that doesn't always ask 'What are you
thinking about?' "
- "And employees are supposed to wear pants, but I won't tell if
- "I like to hump, I like to eat, and I don't like to
- "Hey there, Ole Top."
- "Thats my Italian scattergun."
- "Got-dangit Hank"
- "Soup is good food Hank, but keep your spoon in your own
- "Got-dangit Hank, I'm having an infarction!"
- "Your dog, she real slut!"
- "Damn Rednecks!"
- "Turnkey operation."
- "I can get promotion from systems analyst to lead systems
- (After Peggy mistakenly throws baseball over fence) "Aah, you
killed my Minh! Not really, but you really do suck, Peggy
- (Chasing Bobby out of his house with a golf club) "Fat white
- "You don't keep a Ferrari in the garage!"
- "Something got to give, and it not gonna be my
- "The Hills have been married 20 years. That long time. Minh and
I only married 13 years, but its quality not quantity that
- (Seeing the Hill's burn a pyramid of toilet paper) "Hey,
hillbillies! Those aren't logs you know. Yeah, they for
- "Maybe I park garage in S.U.V! Ha, ha, ha.... Kiss my
- "Oh yeah! I always feel comfortable, wherever I go. My last
name is actually Smith but I change it to Souphanousinphone when I
move to Texas!"
- "I call France whenever I want! France, Europe,
- "I'm wearing a bikini made of suds!"
- (Talking to Bobby) "I heard what you did to Chane Wasonasong --
unforgivable! But then I hear what you did to your father -- very
funny. So I'm conflicted."
- (To the tune of "Axel F") "Bev, Bev, Beverly Hills Cop, Bev,
Bev, Beverly Hills Cop, Axel Foley gonna find those drugs!"
- "Yeah, you wish you could ride in my trunk."
- "Prepare your mind for razzle-dazzle"
- "Minh, come quick! Redneck boy getting busy with
- "I always have strong feelings about Hill family. NOW, those
feelings are of love."
- (Upon finding out that Peggy makes rabbit stew) "Rabbit?! You
rednecks eat anything!"
- "I ate a squirrel quesadilla but this where I draw the
- (Trying on Peggy's size 16 shoes) "Hey look! I like little girl
in mama shoes. Okay, bye-bye now!" (Runs out the front door)
- "Ooh, Peggy Hill." (Growls viciously)
- "That Boomhauer is sexy."
- (After losing $13 to Peggy at Boggle) "Thank you for Boggle
lesson, Peggy Hill. Maybe next weekend I teach you mahjong. Bring
- (In response to Bobby saying he's leaving home a boy and coming
back a man) "You're lucky. I'm leaving home a girl and coming back
- "My dad has this joke: 'how do you get to the Van Clyburn
Orchestra? Practice.' Well, it used to be a joke. Now he just
- "Baby did a bad, bad thing."
- "I'm sorry honey, much too angry."
- "Hey, honey."
- "I just felt my chakra open honey."
- "If I get up, Garth Brooks is gonna die."
- (Seeing his name misspelled on diploma as "Chick")
Chick Mangione? I'm not a chick, I'm a dude! (Knocks
teacher out with his flugelhorn)
- "I'm Chuck Mangione, and saving money at Mega-Lo Mart Feels So Good!"
- "Mega-Lo Mart now sells propane and
propane accessories. Fuel's So
- (After propane explosion) "I don't feel so good...."
- (On a posterboard for maxipads) "The Freedom
Feels So Good!"
- (To crowd in Mega-Lo Mart parking lot before performance) "Are
you ready to soft rock?"
- (To Boomhauer) Marlene: "I'm going to be honest with you -- I
only understand about half of what you say. The other times I just
nod and smile and wait for your pants to come off."
- Student: (After being told that students can elect which
classes to take instead of being forced to take them.) "I elect to
- (At an "animal friendly" meat shop)
Hank: Do you have anything that tastes good?
- [While drinking beer in the alley]
- Dale: "Aw, I've been at John Redc- uh, the gun club ... playing
Nancy: "Did you win?"
Dale: "You're not familiar with the game, are you?"
Dale: "Yeah I won."
- Peggy: "Luanne, honey tell me what is it like to live without
shame of any kind? Is it a good feeling?"
Luanne: "Yeah... it is!"
- Dale: "Do your people celebrate Thanksgiving, John
John Redcorn: "We did...once."
- Dale: "Okay, my turn. Tongue-kiss a lizard, or take a shower in
Boomhauer: "The lizard, man."
Bill: "Oh, why is the other choice always "take a shower in Bill's
Dale: "Because your bathroom smells bad! Everytime you come out, it
smells like cow manure!" [Bill starts sobbing]
- Bobby: "Can I add a gun rack to my bike?"
Hank: "Son, do you know how long I've been waiting for you to ask
Bobby: "Um, just now?"
- Hank: "Now, I'm thinking of a number."
Dale: "Wingo. He always picks three. Except when he picks
- Peggy: "Jo-hoooon Redcorn."
John Redcorn: "Pe-heeeeeggy Hill."
- Bobby: "This is the part about me giving 110 percent,
Hank: "Bobby, if you weren't my son, I'd hug you."
- Bill: "My face hurts!"
Hank: "Then it'll match your ass when I'm done kicking it!"
- Hank: "Now Bobby, every woman has a period... of time-"
Bobby: "Even Mom?"
Hank: "Bobby, I can't get through this with you asking questions
Bobby: "My bad."
Hank: "Now, every woman has a period when they are mad at
everything. And usually men are the everything. It's like a tire
fire, trying to put it out only makes it worse. You just have to
let it burn. Grab a beer and let it burn."
- (Connie is staying at the Hills, and has been served steak
for dinner two nights in a row)
- Connie: Ugh! How many cows do you people eat in a year?
- Hank Hill: Wait! We figured this out once!
- Hank: Acupuncture? What the hell is that?!
Luanne: Um, he sticks needles in your skin and sets them on
Hank: Anybody try that on me and I'll kick his ass!
- :Animal Control Member: You're just what we've been
lookin' for, Bill.
- Dale: Really?
- Animal Control Member: Yes, now go home and make love with your
wife, then come back ready for the hunt.
- Dale: But she's at work. Don't worry, I'll figure it out.