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Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital
Khospitalpic.jpg
Opening title
Format Comedy-Horror
Created by Lars von Trier
Starring Andrew McCarthy
Bruce Davison
Jack Coleman
Diane Ladd
Jodelle Micah Ferland
Ed Begley, Jr.
Jamie Harrold
Sherry Miller
Allison Hossack
William Wise
Julian Richings
Country of origin United States
No. of episodes 13
Production
Running time 40 minutes
Broadcast
Original channel ABC
Original run 02010-03-03 March 3 – July 15, 2004 (2004-07-15)
Chronology
Related shows The Kingdom

Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital is a thirteen-episode mini-series based on Lars von Trier's "The Kingdom" (aka Riget), which was developed by horror writer Stephen King in 2004 for American television. It was first aired on ABC on March 3 and concluded on July 15, 2004 after being put on hold during NBA playoffs. The entire mini-series is now available on DVD.[1][2][3]

Contents

Plot

The story tells of the fictional Kingdom Hospital located in Lewiston, Maine built on the site of a mill that manufactured military uniforms during the American Civil War. Previously, a hospital known as the "Old Kingdom" had been built on the site, but it burnt down. The current hospital is known as the "New Kingdom". The hospital's "turbulent" nature seems to reflect its ominous logo, a crimson stylized dagger, predicting what will come.

A psychic named Mrs. Druse has checked into the hospital numerous times and is taken by the staff to be a hypochondriac. She asks for the assistance of Dr. Hook to uncover the truth about the hospital and the mysterious spirits who haunt it — including a young girl, killed after the original fire; a sinister teenage boy; and a strange animal, similar to a giant anteater, whose long snout opens up to a horrifying set of teeth.

Elsewhere, Peter Rickman, a painter who is admitted to the hospital following a road accident (with severe injuries to his skull and spine) begins to discover the ghastly goings-on while he lies comatose in room 426.

Other subplots included the initiation of arrogant chief of surgery Dr. Stegman into the secret society known as the 'Keepers', and the challenged-at-every-turn flirtation between young Dr. Elmer Traff and sleep doctor Lona Massingale.

The series is known for its tangential plots and characters who recur throughout, it is—as King called it—a "novelization for television".

While written as a mini-series, many fans wanted it to be renewed for a second season, and Stephen King himself had a storyboard written out for one. Despite incredibly successful ratings for the first episode—making it the highest rating drama debut of the year on ABC—ratings sharply fell. The season averaged just over 5 million viewers per episode.

Cast

The hospital staff

  • Andrew McCarthy as Dr. Hook, the handsome sulife's work to destroy incompetence among doctors.
  • Bruce Davison as Dr. Stegman, the arrogant neurosurgeon who is on the verge of being initiatied into the secret society of Kingdom Hospital, despite his numerous malpractice suits. He is given to repetitive bragging of his "great career" in Boston, Massachusetts.
  • Meagen Fay as Dr. Brenda Abelson, Steg's only true friend in the hospital, an ambitious woman who would stop at nothing for what she wants.
  • Ed Begley, Jr. as Dr. Jesse James, Kingdom's Chief of Staff, and member of the 'Keepers' - the Secret Society, who spends his time initiating "Operation: Morning Air".
  • Jamie Harrold as Dr. Elmer Traff, a young surgeon whose father is an important man in the hospital.
  • Sherry Miller as Dr. Lona Massingale, the enigmatic sleep doctor, and love interest of Elmer, despite her determination not to get involved with "a child".
  • Allison Hossack as Dr. Christine Draper, Kingdom's friendliest doctor, who has a romantic interest in Doctor Hook.
  • William Wise as Dr. Louis Traff, the leader of the Keepers, and also an important doctor at Kingdom; its longest serving member.
  • Lena Georgas as Nurse Carrie von Trier Peter's nurse, afraid of blood.
  • Brandon Bauer as Abel Lyon, an orderly, with Down Syndrome, who sneaks around Kingdom Hospital with his friend Christa, being a trickster. Both he and Christa have an uncanny knack of knowing all the hospital's goings-on, including those of the otherworld.
  • Jennifer Cunningham as Christa, Abel's partner-in-crime, who also has Down Syndrome. Abel and Christa show a strange affinity for the hospital's mechanical workings.
  • Julian Richings as Otto, the all-purpose man of Kingdom, who regularly watches the security feeds. Otto is accompanied by Blondi, an intelligent German Shepherd dog. Blondi has on several occasions shown self-consciousness and actual thought capabilities; as an in-joke, he thinks in a German accent. Blondi's name is possibly a reference to Adolf Hitler's German Shepherd dog, also named Blondi.
  • Del Pentecost as Bobby Drusse, Mrs. Drusse's son, and an orderly at the hospital.

Patients, past and present

  • Diane Ladd as Sally Drusse, a professed psychic, who regularly checks into Kingdom Hospital for all sorts of complaints, and who is determined to discover the truth lurking in the hospital's depths.
  • Jack Coleman as Peter Rickman, comatose painter who is discovering the past and future of Kingdom.
  • Suki Kaiser as Natalie Rickman, Peter's wife, determined not to believe in the phenomena plaguing Kingdom.
  • Jodelle Micah Ferland as Mary Jensen, the ghost of a girl murdered to cover up the arson of the mill in the 1860s; she is a symbol of death in Kingdom Hospital.
  • Kett Turton as Paul Morlock, Dr. Gotrich's young assistant, who haunts the hospital as a figure of evil.
  • Richings and Turton provide the voices of Blondi the dog and Antubis the anteater, respectively.

Recurring cast

  • Zak Santiago Alam as Dr. Sonny Gupta
  • Beverly Elliott as Nurse Brick Bannerman
  • Christopher Heyerdahl as Reverend Jimmy Criss, a "miracle worker"
  • Antony Holland as Lenny Stillmach, an elderly patient
  • Michael Lerner as Sheldon Fleischer, a scheming attorney
  • Bill Meilen as Dr. Gottreich, a ghostly torture expert
  • Claudette Mink as Celeste Daldry, reporter for Channel 9
  • Ty Olsson as Danny, an EMT
  • Gerard Plunkett as Dr. Richard Shwartzon, a seismologist
  • Paul Perri as Frank Schweigen, a vagrant who falls victim to Steg's incompetence and Elmer's pranks
  • Benjamin Ratner as Ollie, Danny's fellow EMT
  • Ryan Robbins as Dave Hoonan, Peter's hit-and-run driver
  • Alan Scarfe as Dr. Henry Havens
  • Jim Shield as Rolf Pedersen, a convict in the hospital
  • Emily Tennant as Mona Klingerman, a young girl with irreparable brain damage due to Steg's incompetence.
  • Janet Wright as Nurse Liz Hinton

Guest stars

Charles Martin Smith, Lorena Gale (Battlestar Galactica), Bruce Harwood (The Lone Gunmen), Evangeline Lilly (Lost), Tygh Runyan (The L Word), Peter Wingfield (Highlander: The Series), Callum Keith Rennie (Due South) Christine Willes (Dead Like Me), and William B. Davis (The X-Files) all have guest appearances.

Episodes

Series
#
Title Writer Director Original airdate Setting date
1 "Thy Kingdom Come" Stephen King Craig R. Baxley March 3, 2004 (2004-03-03) October 22, 2003

Peter Rickman is admitted to hospital and, while in surgery, begins to discover Kingdom Hospital is more than it seems; Dr. Stegman asks vacuous Chief of Staff Dr. James to help him rid the hospital of hypochondriac Mrs. Druse; and earthquakes hit Kingdom.

U.S. ratings: 14.04 million US viewers and a 9.8/14 rating/share.[4] 
2 "Death's Kingdom" Stephen King Craig R. Baxley March 10, 2004 (2004-03-10) October 22, 2003

Peter's hit-and-run driver arrives at Kingdom, becoming one of the first to witness the strange events building there; Elmer attempts to attract Lona during a dinner in the morgue; and Hook schemes to keep Mrs. Druse on for observational purposes.

U.S. ratings: 8.5 million viewers and a 5.7/10 rating/share 
3 "Goodbye Kiss" Stephen King Craig R. Baxley March 17, 2004 (2004-03-17) October 22, 2003

Dr. Hook becomes drawn into Mrs. Druse's plight after seeing the ghost of Mary; a prisoner and his girlfriend plan a suicide pact gone wrong when the prisoner is saved by the staff; Dr. Stegman is accused of malpractice again; and Peter is visited by the spirits of Kingdom in the form of Mary and Paul.

U.S. ratings: 7.1 million viewers and a 4.9/8 rating/share 
4 "The West Side of Midnight" Stephen King Craig R. Baxley March 24, 2004 (2004-03-24) October 23, 2003

Dr. Traff's ex-wife dies on the operating table; Elmer dreams of Antubis; the deceased Lenny helps Mrs. Druse in her quest; Stegman goes crazy after finding his car defaced and decides to find the culprits; Paul uses Pedersen to get rid of Mrs. Druse. Kingdom suffers a second earthquake. Note: also known as West of Midnight ; Christine Willes guest stars.

U.S. ratings: 5.4 million viewers and a 3.8/7 rating/share 
5 "Hook's Kingdom" Stephen King, Richard Dooling Craig R. Baxley March 31, 2004 (2004-03-31) October 23, 2003

Paul and Antubis face off; Pedersen plots to kill his roommate; Dr. Gupta is stunned by the likeness of a dead patient to Elmer; Elmer and Lona flirt in the sleep lab; Dr. Hook shows Draper his home in the bowels of the Kingdom; Mary reaches out to Peter; Abel and Christa ask a favor of Dr. James; and the believers gather in "Hook's Kingdom".

U.S. ratings: 5.1 million viewers and a 3.5/6 rating/share 
6 "The Young and the Headless" Richard Dooling Craig R. Baxley April 8, 2004 (2004-04-08) October 23, 2003

Dr. James holds a dinner to get funding for an investigative project into the earthquakes, which involves the accidental destruction of a recovering alcoholic seismologist; Steg's initiation goes ahead, while Brenda destroys documents incriminating him; Peter, Paul, Mary, Antubis and the headless victim wander the bowels of the hospital and Elmer uses a corpse to play a trick on Lona, but it goes wrong.

U.S. ratings: 3.7 million viewers and a 2.5/4 rating share 
7 "Black Noise" Richard Dooling Craig R. Baxley April 15, 2004 (2004-04-15) October 24, 2003

Elmer is suspected of desecrating the corpse, while its headless body wanders the corridors below Kingdom; Hook's new patient is a self-serving attorney who finds himself sharing a room with the badly-burnt Rolf Pederson; Peter's new roommate - meanwhile - a seismologist is brought in to study the earthquakes, and his paranoid thoughts on the hospital make him the perfect partner to help Mrs. Druse and Natalie save Mary; Druse asks Bobby to help her gain access to medical records; and Dr. James holds a meeting for all staff in which he attempts to ascertain if Kingdom is haunted - an idea Steg is heavily against.

U.S. ratings: 3.5 million viewers and a 2.3/4 rating/share 
8 "Heartless" Richard Dooling Craig R. Baxley April 22, 2004 (2004-04-22) October 25, 2003

Fleischer schemes to get himself moved up the transplant list, by making a deadly deal with Antubis; Natalie and Mrs. Druse discover more secrets about Mary and the Gates Mill Fire of 1869; Hook uses the missing head to gain Elmer's help in bringing down Steg; Steg's day goes from bad to worse as he begins losing his sanity; Massingale and Elmer experience a bizarre dream experience; Hook learns of the 1869 and 1939 fires on the site of Kingdom; and Draper and Mrs. Druse suffer at the hands of Steg, the former losing credit on a story in a medical journal, the latter being confined to her bed.

U.S. ratings: 3.8 million viewers and a 2.6/4 rating/share 
9 "Butterfingers" Stephen King Craig R. Baxley April 29, 2004 (2004-04-29) October 26, 2003

The day of the World Series final brings excitement to everyone at Kingdom, except Steg, but a suicide attempt by disgraced former New England Robins player Earl "Error" Candleton sees tension building amongst the staff, and it is up to Peter and Mary to save Candleton from Paul, and an untimely death.

U.S. ratings: 2.6 million viewers and a 1.8/3 rating/share 
10 "The Passion of Reverend Jimmy" Tabitha King, Stephen King Craig R. Baxley June 24, 2004 (2004-06-24) October 27-29, 2003

Reverend Jimmy is crucified in a back alley, and his body becomes the source of a series of miracles which profoundly affect Nurse Wright. As the miracles grow, thousands converge upon Kingdom Hospital, waiting for the anticipated resurrection of the Reverend. Elsewhere, Massingale, Havens and Otto are trapped in the morgue after an earthquake; Dr. Schwartzon predicts the future; Steg entices Brenda to destroy incriminating evidence against him, while Hook schemes to get that evidence back with Elmer's "help"; and Natalie and Mrs. Druse continue to learn more of Mary's death. Note: also known as On the Third Day.

U.S. ratings: 3.0 million viewers and a 2.0/3 rating/share. 
11 "Seizure Day" Richard Dooling Craig R. Baxley July 1, 2004 (2004-07-01) October 29-31, 2003

A mounted policeman patrols near the hospital and gets knocked down by a blinding light, and is brought to the hospital where he convulses and has seizures. Dr. Hook sees a pattern of the people revolving around the hospital who experienced the same thing. Bobby Druse is sent by Sally to retrieve old hospital files about Mary, Elmer is sent by Hook to retrieve a file related to the Mona Klingerman case and Brenda is sent by Stegman to retrieve the same Klingerman document. Stegman hallucinates during an operation on a patient's brain; he sees the disease that Antubis "eats". While Steg meets with lawyers in the Klingerman case, Lona investigates Elmer's strange dreams, and Hook and Draper get closer together.

U.S. ratings: 2.6 million viewers and a 1.8/3 rating/share 
12 "Shoulda Stood in Bed" Stephen King Craig R. Baxley July 8, 2004 (2004-07-08) November 1, 2003

Dr. James continues work on his "Operation: Morning Air" badges; Elmer gets his head back; Hook publicly shames Steg in the Mona Klingerman case, leading to Steg's suspension as a surgeon; and - as he rejects Brenda - she gets revenge on him; Antubis shows Peter and Mrs. Druse a possible future; Paul convinces Steg to end it all; and Peter brings everyone together to hold a seance, before it is too late.

U.S. ratings: 2.4 million viewers and a 1.6/3 rating/share 
13 "Finale" Stephen King Craig R. Baxley July 15, 2004 (2004-07-15) November 1, 2003

On All Souls Day, with only hours until the destruction of Kingdom Hospital, the doctors, patients and staff of Kingdom come together to hold a seance where they learn the truth about the Gates Falls Mill fire, and Mary's death, and must make one last attempt to set things right; while an insane Steg wanders the halls searching for them, certain that they brought about his destruction.

U.S. ratings: 3.7 million viewers and a 2.5/5 rating/share 

Songs played during the mini-series

Song title[5] Performed by Episode Extra info
"Worry About You" Ivy All Episodes Theme song for the series, and heard throughout episodes.
"Red Dragon Tattoo" Fountains of Wayne Thy Kingdom Come (and Others) First heard while Peter is jogging.
"Wee Wee Hours" Chuck Berry The West Side of Midnight Heard at the start of the episode.
"Where's Your Head At" Basement Jaxx The Young and the Headless Played while the headless body searches for his head.
"Take Me Out to the Ball Game" Unknown Artist ** Butterfingers Sung by many characters including Paul. ** The song was written by Jack Norworth in 1908.
"Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye" Steam Goodbye Kiss Sung while operating on suicidal prisoner.
"Gin and Juice" The Gourds / Phish Thy Kingdom Come Heard while Dr. Stegman is driving to the hospital and the people outside of the mission are taunting him while he parks
"Time Has Come Today" The Chambers Brothers Finale Sung during beginning of finale.
"I Don't Know Why I Love You" Ivy Hook's Kingdom Played while Dr. Hook and Dr. Draper are talking in Hook's bedroom.

Broadcasters

Trivia

  • The series can be dated both by the timing of the World Series, the mentions of All Souls Day, and the onscreen evidence in episode 9 that it is October 26.
  • The show mentions All Souls Day, which is November 2, not November 1. November 1 is All Saints Day.
  • The surname of Doctor Gottreich, whose prescription was pain, has a unique meaning in High German: Kingdom of God; indicating that a descendant of the 'good' doctor may be in charge still, given the name 'Kingdom' Hospital.
  • While Peter Rickman is jogging, he is wearing a sweatshirt with "Little Tall" written on it--a place King fans are familiar with. Little Tall Island is the setting of Dolores Claiborne and Storm of the Century.
  • The character of Peter Rickman was heavily influenced by King's own experiences when he was hit by a car in a similar way in Maine in 1999.
  • The Dark Tower series also has a main character being hit by a van under near identical circumstances.
  • Many of the characters' names, and events, are in-jokes, such as Nurse Carrie von Trier — a combination of King's best-seller Carrie and the director of Riget, Lars von Trier. Hook is based on Krogshøj. Krog is danish for Hook. Otto is loosely based on Hansen, played by Otto Brandenburgh. Stegman is based on a character named Stig Helmer. Sally Drusse is based on Sigrid Drusse.
  • A recurring line in the series first comes from Lenny and is in direct reference to the The Emperor of Ice Cream, a poem by Wallace Stevens and which was used in King's 'Salem's Lot and Pet Sematary as both an epigram and section title.
  • There are several references to some of King's other works, including the Dark Tower series. The drink "Nozz-A-La", which EMT Danny refers to as a "Nozzie" in one episode is a drink in the alternate reality that Roland's ka-tet comes across on their journey to the Dark Tower. However, at the end of the finale of the show, the Nozz-A-La machine has become a Pepsi machine.
  • The phrase "see it very well," which we hear Mary telling Peter near the end of the series, is a nod to the Dark Tower as well.
  • Links can also be drawn to Insomnia, when Paul tells Peter to "butt out, short-time"
  • People throughout the series are reading Stephen King books. For example, while Peter Rickman's wife sits next to him in his hospital room near the end of the series, she is reading Misery.
  • The hospital janitor, Johnny B. Goode, is constantly absent from work, and each episode sees someone different filling in for him. When we finally do see him, he is played by Stephen King.
  • The three characters in touch with the spirit world — Peter Rickman, Mary Jensen, and Paul Morlock — form the names of three saints mentioned in the Bible (St. Paul, St. Peter, and Saint Mary). Paul also mocks Eleanor Druse with a twisted version of the Hail Mary prayer, saying, "Hell Mary, full of disgrace, the Lord has abandoned you."
  • There are several references to the Bible: characters named Mary and Saul, who changes his name to Paul after a life-changing event. The near-blind guard cracks his glasses in an earthquake, but is miraculously cured and can see perfectly afterwards. One character is beaten and "crucified" but continues to bleed after his death. Miraculous things, like water from the tap turning to wine, sandwiches multiplying, and of course, a certain character returning from the dead, begin to occur after the grisly crucifixion.
  • The news presenter, who announces Peter's accident also mentions that he is from Castle Rock, a town that features heavily in some of King's other works.
  • The ambulance that brings all patients to Kingdom Hospital, starting with Peter and continuing with all the other patients of note, is Unit 19--a number which is highly influential, as many readers of The Dark Tower will recognize.
  • Fountains of Wayne's Adam Schlesinger wrote the theme tune, and during the first and final episodes, the band's 1999 hit Red Dragon Tattoo is played -for the latter, as the hospital begins to collapse.- Stephen King is a big fan of the group, and often makes references to Fountains of Wayne in his periodic pop-culture related articles in Entertainment Weekly. In December 2005, he started a list of his favorite Christmas songs with Fountains of Wayne's "I Want An Alien For Christmas." Schlesinger's other band, Ivy, perform the series' theme song.
  • The exteriors of the hospital were filmed at the Workers' Compensation Board building (now the WorkSafeBC building) in Richmond, British Columbia.[6]
  • In the episode Seizure Day, Dr. Abelson is reading a book entitled "Make Him Want you with Witchery, Love Potions, Charms and Spells" by Barlow Straker. Mr. Barlow and Mr. Straker are two characters in Stephen King's Salem's Lot.
  • In the episode Butterfingers, the baseball player's name is Earl Candleton. Candleton was the name of one of the stops on Blaine the Mono's route in Stephen King's novel, The Dark Tower III: The Waste Lands.
  • The skylines depicted in some episodes are almost entirely made up of actual buildings in Lewiston, Maine where the series takes place, only the geography has changed.
  • The altered geography aside, evidence from the show places the fictional hospital in downtown Lewiston, Maine in the area of Canal St., less than a mile from Lewiston's largest hospital, Central Maine Medical Center.
  • The mounted policeman who gets knocked down by a blinding light in "Seizure Day" is named Saul, and his partner is Muldoon. This is a reference to The Illuminatus! Trilogy, which features two policemen named Barney Muldoon and Saul Goodman.

References

External links


Quotes

Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

Kingdom Hospital, a (2004 Stephen King miniseries), is about a Maine hospital with an colorful but mostly professional staff who find themselves confronted with supernatural phenomena, including the spirits of a small girl and a vicious boy, and an anteater-like creature that roams the corridors. It is based on the Danish miniseries Riget written by Niels Vørsel and Lars von Trier, the latter of whom also worked on Kingdom Hospital.

Contents

Quotes

Thy Kingdom Come

Crow: You look pretty tasty.
Peter Rickman: Get away from me.
Crow: I think I'll start with your eyes.

Antubis: You're a real mess, my friend. I mean, you're seriously racked up.
Peter: Please...
Antubis: Save your strength. That'd be my advice. You'll need it.

Death's Kingdom

Lenny: Let the lamp affix its beam. The only emperor is the Emperor of Ice Cream!

Paul: Popsicle or fudgesicle?

Goodbye Kiss

Peter: You saved my life.
Antubis: I did more than that. I saved the quality of your life.

Mary: My name is Mary.
Peter: Why do you look so sad?
Mary: I lost my dolly.
Peter: Is that all?
Mary: I'm afraid.
Peter: Who are you afraid of, Honey?
Mary: (Sees Paul appear) Of him! Of him! (Paul grabs her.)
Peter: Leave her alone!
Paul: Leave it alone, short-time! Butt out! That'd be my advice. She's not the only one who has a bell!
Mary: Help me!
Peter: How? What do I do?
Mary: (As Paul disappears through the wall with her.) Let Antubis help you!
Peter: Who the hell is Antubis?

Stegman: Maine hick scum! How dare you?! There will be reprisals for this! REPRISALS!

The West Side of Midnight

Paul:There's an old woman, a meddling old woman. If she comes in here and she tries to talk to your roommate, kill her.
Rolf: Why?
Paul: Never mind, just do it.
Rolf: I'm not sure I can, I...
Paul: You can, you betta. Do you know the beauty part? No one will even ask you why you did it, you're craaazzzy.
Rolf: Thats why I'm seeing you isn't it? Because I'm crazy?
Paul: You don't really believe that.

Hook's Kingdom

Paul: [Laughing] Should I finish him off?

The Young and the Headless

Black Noise

Ambulence Dispatch: Code 4 in progress at the courthouse. A lawyer in v-fib.
Nurse: A fibbing lawyer! Sounds perfectly normal to me.

[The Operating Room receives personal-injury lawyer and coronary patient Sheldon Fleischer, but nobody wants to handle him.]
Fleischer: It's okay, please. I promise… I promise I won't sue you. I'll sign a waiver. Please.
[The staff consider this for a moment, then…]
Dr. Hook: [rapidly] Awright. Well, you heard him. We got a lawyer here — every second counts. I want that digital minicam running at 24 frames per second trained on this patient's torso at all times.
[Everyone starts scrambling at his rapid-fire commands.]
Dr. Hook: I want a second camera, handheld, covering any medical personnel that touch this patient for any reason. I want a third camera trained on me, the attending physician. I would like all orders typed, not handwritten, proof-read, and printed in triplicate — and notarized. Where's the notary?
[A handheld camera pans over to a man in a business suit covered with an OR gown.]
Notary: Notary public, right here.
Dr. Hook: Danny, is that a genuine and accurate record of all the medications and procedures received by this patient while being transported to this medical facility?
EMT Danny: Yes, Doctor.
Dr. Hook: CLEAR!
[Hook slaps the paperwork down on Fleischer's exposed chest.]
Fleischer: Ooh!
[The notary moves in and clamps his seal onto the paper — against Fleischer's chest.]
Fleischer: Ooh! Ugh.
Dr. Hook: Sign.
[Fleischer scribbles his signature on the forms. Hook turns to the handheld cameras.]
Dr. Hook: [still rapid-fire] My name's Dr. Hook. I attended Columbia University Medical School…
[Cut to a stenographer typing furiously, then back to Hook.]
Dr. Hook: [rapidly] … from 1992 to 1996 and graduated magna cum laude. I was trained as a surgical resident at Johns Hopkins and did my fellowship at Boston General. With a reasonable degree of medical certainty and according to a standard of care exercised by similarly qualified practictioners, in the same or similar circumstance in a community of the same or similar size, I shall now order 1 milligram of atropine, 1 milligram of epinephrine on standby, 100% oxygen through high-flow mask with a 250cc reservoir attached. So help me God!
[Cut to Fleischer looking up at the medical staff, who loom over him, their voices echoing oddly.]
Dr. Hook: 20 milligrams of Nabisco Frosted Mini-Wheats, IV-pushed. 5cc coronary anti-freeze. Fifty units Formula 409, STP oil treatment, and WD-40, stat! A portable chest death ray, a sterile claw hammer, and 10 milligrams of napalm and nitroglycerin in per-saline drip, [whimsically] and a spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down!

Heartless

Butterfingers

[Dr. Hook is closing up a brain operation on Earl Candleton, a baseball player who famously lost an old World Series by flubbing a catch.]
Dr. Gupta: "Error" Candleton, right here in front of us. It's— it's unreal. You know, Otto claims he was in here once before.
[Hook flashes on his tiny model cemetery commemorating all the botched operations at Kingdom, including his own.]
Dr. Hook: Maybe you haven't made errors of your own yet, but you will. And when you do, you'll want mercy.
Dr. Gupta: Yeah, it's just what everybody calls him.
Dr. Hook: Not in front of me.

The Passion of Reverend Jimmy

Reverend Jimmy: Forgive them, for they know not what they do.

Homeless Man: Guys, this ain't water no more. It's wine.

Paul: Call the doctor call the nurse. This guy's goofy and gettin' worse...!

Seizure Day

[While the crowd sings "Amazing Grace" outside Kingdom Hospital, mounted policeman Sol Tarus exercises an aggressive form of crowd control.]
Sol Tarus: I am the COP, your shepherd! You shall not want across that line! I'll make you lie down in mean postures! I'll bust your ditty-bop heads, and run you down in the path of righteousness! Rod-butt your asses with the shadow of death! I'll teach you fear, and show you evil! I, with my rod and my staff, will discomfort thee! I will turn you into table spread! Anoint your head with gasoline!
[He punctuates his rant by bashing people with his billyclub.]
Sol Tarus: For I am the MEANEST... SON OF A... BITCH... IN THE... VALLEY! YOU GOT THAT?! NOW MOVE IT BAAAACK!

[Dr. Hook et al. are mapping the brain of seizure victim Sol Tarus, who suddenly "saw the light" the previous night.]
Dr. Gupta: Anything?
Sol Tarus: Somebody is moving my left hand.
Dr. Hook: E4 is motor.
Dr. Gupta: Eh, can you read the screen for us, please? Anything?
[Cut to an LCD displaying individual basic words for a few seconds each.]
Sol Tarus: I was trying to say the words, but I couldn't.
Dr. Hook: H5 is language.
[Cut to the exposed brain, where a set of tags marked H7, H5, B3, and E4 are visible. Hook touches B3 with a probe.]
Dr. Gupta: Read the screen, please.
[The display changes from BOX to CHRISTMAS.]
Sol Tarus: Teacher, I have brought to you my son, for he's possessed by a mute spirit. Whenever it seizes him, it throws him down, he foams at the mouth, grinds his teeth, and becomes rigid. Jesus rebuked the unclean spirit, and raised him up.
Dr. Gupta: Well, uh... B4 is... the Bible, I guess. What is that, "Matthew"?
Dr. Hook: "Mark". Chapter 9.

[In the ghostly "Old Kingdom", the headless corpse blunders into Dr. Gottreich's lab.]
Dr. Gottreich: My word, young man, that is one grevious wound. Where are we going to find you a new nut?

Shoulda Stood in Bed

[Long-dead Dr. Gottreich walks a darkened hall of the Old Kingdom Hospital with a lit candle.]
Dr. Gottreich:
Here we store what came before,
Pain and suffering from days of yore.
Before and after, tears and laughter,
After comes before, before comes after.
Past and future, and then... hereafter.
The naked and the dead, the young and the old,
Their stories end here, their tales untold.
Here, sickness and death have left their pages,
Written in blood for all the ages.
Someday... your story will be here, too.

[Nurse Carrie tends to Sol (now Paul) Tarus as another tremor hits.]
Paul Tarus: It's not the shaking that worries me. It's the voices. D'you hear 'em?
Carrie: I hear a... faint hum.
Paul Tarus: Oh... they're voices. But don't worry. [smiles beatifically] God'll take care of us. Or...
Carrie: Or?
Paul Tarus: [still smiling] Or he won't.

Finale

Antibus: Good job, Dr. Hook. The next time you look at your graveyard, remember what you did here tonight.

See also

External links

Wikipedia
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