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Laverne and Shirley
Laverne & Shirley.png
Format Sitcom
Created by Garry Marshall
Lowell Ganz
Mark Rothman
Starring Penny Marshall
Cindy Williams
Betty Garrett
Michael McKean
David Lander
Eddie Mekka
Phil Foster
Leslie Easterbrook
Ed Marinaro
Opening theme "Making Our Dreams Come True" by Norman Gimbel and Charles Fox
Cyndi Grecco (singer)
Composer(s) John Beal, Frank Comstock, Charles Fox, Jack Hayes
Country of origin United States
No. of seasons 8
No. of episodes 178
Running time approx. 22–24 Minutes
Production company(s) Henderson Productions
Miller-Milkis Productions (Seasons 1–6)
Miller-Milkis-Boyett Productions (Seasons 7–8)
Distributor Paramount Television
Original channel ABC
Original run January 27, 1976 – May 10, 1983
Preceded by Happy Days
Related shows Blansky's Beauties
Mork & Mindy
Out of the Blue
Joanie Loves Chachi
The New Love, American Style

Laverne & Shirley is an American television situation comedy that ran on ABC from 1976 to 1983. It starred Penny Marshall as Laverne De Fazio and Cindy Williams as Shirley Feeney, roommates who, as the series began, worked in a Milwaukee brewery.

The show was a spin-off from Happy Days, as the two lead characters were originally introduced on that show as acquaintances of Fonzie. Set in roughly the same time period as Happy Days, Laverne & Shirley started in approximately 1959, and when the series ended, it was 1967.

Both shows were made by Paramount Television. "Laverne & Shirley" filmed on stage 20 and "Happy Days" on stage 19.

In April 2007, it was announced that Marshall would reunite with Williams for a TV Land network reality series in which the ladies would play themselves and live in Marshall's house, where the show would be filmed. Described as a buddy comedy, Penny and Cindy, is being produced by Gay Rosenthal Prods, while Jim Vallely is the writer and executive producer.


Opening sequence

At the start of each episode, Laverne and Shirley are seen skipping down the street, arm in arm, reciting a Yiddish-American hopscotch chant: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!" This then leads into the series' theme song which is entitled "Making Our Dreams Come True" and is performed by Cyndi Grecco. In the 6th and 7th seasons (which would be the Hollywood seasons), the intro would be Laverne and Shirley coming out of an apartment, but still singing their original chant, and then a re-orchestrated version of the original theme song. During the final season after Cindy Williams left the show, the show opened with Laverne watching a group of school children perform the chant before the theme song began.

The opening sequence has been parodied in many pop culture outlets, including the movie Wayne's World, where Garth and Wayne perform the theme song while visiting Milwaukee. In an episode of The Nanny entitled "Val's Apartment," Fran and Val say the chant before entering their apartment for the first time, but they stumble over the word "Hasenpfeffer." The sequence has also been parodied in other languages, on Friends in a Spanish-language track under the title Laverne y Shirley, and on Saturday Night Live, in faux Japanese, under the name Rabun to Shuri.

In the first season, the main title showed the full names of the characters (i.e., "Laverne De Fazio & Shirley Feeney"), but in subsequent seasons this was reduced to just their first names (i.e., "Laverne and Shirley"). During its syndicated run it was retitled "Laverne & Shirley & Company" from 1981 to 1983 due to the series still airing on ABC at the time.

Full character list

  • Laverne De Fazio (Penny Marshall) Known for being a tough-talking tomboy, Laverne grew up in Brooklyn, with her Italian immigrant parents and grandmother; Laverne's parents moved to Milwaukee, where her mother died and was buried. Laverne works alongside best friend and roommate Shirley and is known for being the cynic of the pair. She would consider herself a realist, and she sees her life for what it is. Laverne's motto is: "This is it, this is our life." Laverne enjoys dating tough guys of the "Purple Fiends" gang and picking up sailors at the dock with old lady neighbor Mrs. Colchek. (The show's dialogue was always clear, however, that both Laverne and Shirley were "good girls" according to the standards of the 1950s.) Laverne is also a fan of the TV show Sea Hunt and enjoys 3-D Monster Movies, such as The Bride of Bwana Devil. Milk and Pepsi was Laverne's infamous favorite drink (Penny Marshall drank milk and Pepsi in real life and added it to her character). Along with her poodle skirts, her trademark was the letter "L" monogrammed on her shirts and sweaters (another idea introduced by Marshall).
  • Shirley Feeney (Cindy Williams) Shirley Wilhelmina Feeney is the perky, positive one. With apple cheeks to match her personality, Shirley never "lets her balloon land". She also tends to be a meek little "girly-girl", while Laverne is more outspoken and athletic. One of Shirley's most prized possessions is "Boo Boo Kitty", a large stuffed cat which sits next to her bed. Her favorite song is Frank Sinatra's "High Hopes" and that song is featured in several episodes, often used by one of the girls to cheer the other up. Shirley later becomes a huge fan of teen-idol Fabian. She has an overbearing mother named Lily (Pat Carroll) who had moved to California, and an alcoholic sailor brother Bobby (Ed Begley, Jr.). In episode 32, "Buddy Can You Spare a Father?" (which aired on 1977-02-15), Shirley's father Jack Feeney was played by Scott Brady (who turned down the role of Archie Bunker on All in the Family). Shirley dotes on her never-seen nieces, nephews, and cousins and adores her "Feeney Family Photo Album". Shirley is also well-known as a conservative in her personal life: for example, "I don't vo-dee-o-doe-doe" was an early catchphrase (to which Laverne once replied, "You vo-dee-o"). Despite her more blue-collar veneer, Laverne was also relatively conservative. This was made clear, for example, in an episode where Laverne nearly accepted a proposal of marriage; when Shirley asked if the marriage was being driven by necessity, Laverne reacted strongly against the insinuation. In the series' earliest episodes, Cindy Williams used a coarser accent for her character, but it was soon softened considerably. (This speech pattern had been previously used by Williams in a commercial for Foster Grant sunglasses.)
  • Lenny Kosnowski (Michael McKean), a lovable goof who pesters Laverne and Shirley along with his best friend and roommate Squiggy (who both live upstairs from Laverne and Shirley's basement apartment). Lenny works as a truck driver at the Shotz brewery. Raised by his father after his mother abandoned them, during the series it was learned that Lenny was the 89th in line to the Polish Throne. When Lenny attempted to have the words "Lone Wolf" embroidered on the back of his red jacket, a mistake left him with "One Wolf" instead; Laverne was kind enough to sew on one of her own fancy-script "L's" to complete the phrase. Lenny says that, while he's not completely sure, he thinks his last name (Kosnowski) is Polish for "Help, there's a hog in my kitchen".
  • Andrew "Squiggy" Squigman (David Lander) The most obnoxious of the bunch, and the greasiest. Squiggy works and lives with childhood friend Lenny. Squiggy grew up with neglectful parents, and is often scheming to get rich or succeed by somewhat devious means. For some reason, he collects moths, and prizes a stuffed Iguana named Jeffrey. Squiggy, like Lenny, loves the chocolate-flavored drink Bosco Chocolate Syrup, and makes nearly every entrance with his trademark "Hello" said in a slightly dopey voice. In the final season, we learn Squiggy has a lookalike sister named Squendoline.
  • Frank De Fazio (Phil Foster) Laverne's Italian-born father who runs the Pizza Bowl, a local hang out featuring pizza, beer, and, of course, bowling and then later Cowboy Bills in Burbank, California. A running joke involves his incomprehensibly thick Italian accent, which sounds more like mumbling than speech. Although he could be harsh and lose his temper, he did have a heart of gold. He loved Laverne very much, having been her only parent for years; his pet name for his daughter was "Muffin".
  • Carmine "The Big Ragu" Ragusa (Eddie Mekka) Shirley's high school sweetheart and on-again, off-again romance. He originally appeared in Happy Days as one of Fonzie's friends. Carmine's occasional lady companion was wealthy divorcee Lucille Lockwash, which made Shirley jealous. "The Big Ragu" is a part-time boxer who owns a dance studio and is constantly working to make it big as a dancer and singer. In the final episode of the series, he auditions for the musical Hair, at last landing a major role on Broadway.
  • Edna Babish DeFazio (Betty Garrett) The landlady who eventually married Laverne's father, Edna occasionally sings and dances in the local Brewery talent show. Edna has had eight divorces, and eventually divorces Frank too, towards the end of the series (when Garrett opted to leave the show at the beginning of the final season). In one episode, Edna's daughter Amy is introduced. She has been away at "school" and it is implied she is handicapped or a slow learner. It appears she has led a sheltered life more due to her mother protecting her. Laverne and Shirley help her to adjust and come out of her shell.
  • Big Rosie Greenbaum (Carole Ita White) A snob, and the girls' childhood nemesis. She married a rich doctor and rubs this in the girls' faces, though they make fun of the fact that he is a proctologist. She is Laverne's rival and upsets her by calling her a "bimbo". Big Rosie and fellow Milwaukee classmate Terri Buttefuco both return in the 7th-season episode Class of '56.
  • Rhonda Lee (Leslie Easterbrook) a ditzy blonde actress / singer / dancer / model trying to make it big, she is Laverne and Shirley's neighbor and a regular character after they move to Burbank.
  • Sonny St. Jacques (Ed Marinaro) A stuntman and Laverne and Shirley's building manager in Burbank.

Timeline of show

Setting: Milwaukee

For the first 5 seasons, from 1976 to 1980, the show was set in Milwaukee (executive producer Thomas L. Miller's home town), running from roughly 1959 (one early episode involves the girls' three-year high school reunion of the Fillmore High Class of 1956) through the early 1960s. Shotz Brewery (a fictitious analog of the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company) bottlecappers and best friends, Laverne and Shirley live in a basement apartment on Knapp Street (a real street near the Schlitz Brewery in Milwaukee), where the feet of pedestrians are visible from their front window. The two women communicate with upstairs neighbors Lenny and Squiggy by screaming up the dumbwaiter shaft connecting their apartments instead of using the telephone. Also appearing were Laverne's father, Frank, proprietor of the Pizza Bowl, and landlady Edna Babish. Shirley maintained a stormy romance with dancer/singer Carmine Ragusa ("I can date other men and Carmine can date ugly women", she tells Laverne). During this period, characters from Happy Days and Laverne & Shirley would make occasional guest appearances on each other's shows.

Setting: Burbank

For the sixth season in 1980, the current cast moved from Milwaukee to Burbank, California, with the catalyst behind the move as the girls losing their bottlecapping jobs to new automation installed at Shotz Brewery, and want to start fresh. Their friends and family are inspired by the idea and also pack up to move out west.

Laverne and Shirley took jobs as gift-wrappers at Bardwell's Department Store, Frank and Edna managed a Texas BBQ restaurant called "Cowboy Bill's", and Carmine delivered singing telegrams and sought work as an actor. From this point until the end of the show's run, Laverne & Shirley was set in the mid-1960s. The girls are seen kissing a 1964 Beatles poster in the new opening credits. With each season, a new year passed in the timeline of the show, starting with 1965 in the 1980–81 season, and ending in 1967 with Carmine heading off for Broadway, to star in the musical Hair. The opening credits of the California seasons feature the cast toasting at New Year's, and visible on a large banner is the year depicted in that season.

When the show moved to California, two new members joined the cast: Ed Marinaro as Sonny St. Jacques, a stunt man, landlord of the Burbank apartment building, and love interest for Laverne, as well as Leslie Easterbrook as Rhonda Lee, the girls' neighbor and an aspiring actress. Marinaro had previously been cast a year earlier as Laverne's cousin Antonio from Italy (who had a talent for taming wild animals). The move en masse to Burbank is generally considered by fans to have been when the show jumped the shark (the beginning of the end).[citation needed] Marinaro left after one season in California, Betty Garrett left by 1981, Cindy Williams left in 1982, and Michael McKean was missing from the final episodes.

Laverne without Shirley

In August 1982, Williams reportedly felt that the shows producers were uncooperative and using her pregnancy as an excuse to ease her off the series altogether. Williams stormed off the set and filed a $20,000,000 lawsuit against Paramount Pictures (later settled out of court).

In the final season, Shirley quickly fell in love and married Army medic Walter Meany (making her Shirley Feeney-Meany), and discovered one episode later that she was pregnant. That episode marked Cindy Williams' final exit. The following week's episode to be shot "The Baby Show" was to feature Shirley going into labor at a funeral and was to be saved for a later airing. With Williams' abrupt departure – the role of expectant mother was given to Vicki Lawrence in a reprisal of her Sgt. Alvinia T. Plout character.

With Shirley gone (her absence was explained in a note left for Laverne that she had left town quickly to join her husband overseas), Laverne tried to go it alone and a new opening was shot with Laverne watching children singing the famous "Schlemiel! Schlemazel!" lines. The show kept the title Laverne and Shirley on-screen, although Cindy Williams was neither shown nor titled in the opening credits. Laverne began working in an aerospace testing facility and did not need another roommate. Several guest stars were featured in the final season of 1982–83, including Carrie Fisher, Jim Belushi, Adam West and Louise Lasser, but faced with withering competition from NBC's The A-Team and the loss of one of its title stars, the series was cancelled in May 1983.

The final episode was produced like a backdoor pilot for a spin-off, dealing with Carmine moving away to New York to star in the Broadway show Hair, and Laverne was seen simply in book-end scenes.

Animated spin-off

See also List of animated spinoffs from prime time shows

During the run of the main show, an animated spin-off called Laverne & Shirley in the Army began airing on Saturday mornings. The first program was aired on October 10, 1981. The show featured the voices of Marshall and Williams playing Laverne and Shirley in the Army (much like they had been during their 1979–1980 season) with a talking piglet Drill Sergeant named "Squealy" (voiced by Welcome Back Kotter alum Ron Palillo). The show was renamed Laverne and Shirley with the Fonz when the Fonz began working in the motorpool as the chief mechanic, and then again renamed The Mork, Fonzie, and Laverne & Shirley Hour when new segments involving a teenaged Mork & Mindy were added to the mix. The series ran until September 3, 1983.

Ratings and merchandising

Laverne and Shirley premiered in January 1976, and by its second season it had become the most-watched American television program, even surpassing the ratings for Happy Days. At the time Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams were among television's best-paid actresses. Laverne and Shirley kept the top spot for two seasons but the leads' competitive rivalry and a network decision to move the show to Thursdays led the show to fall from #1 to below the top #30 during the 1979–1980 season. Producers panicked and chose a format change with a "move" to California, while some observers felt that they should have found better writers.[citation needed]

The theme song from the series (performed by Cyndi Grecco) was released as a single and became a top 30 hit in 1976.[1]

The program was so successful at the time that it spawned a merchandise franchise. Mego released two models of Laverne and Shirley dolls, and one model of Lenny and Squiggy dolls. Hot Wheels created a Shotz Brewery delivery van, and several novelty toys were sold such as Halloween costumes, a board game, jigsaw puzzles, coloring books, and other toys.[citation needed]

The ratings for the shows seasons are:

Season Year Ranking
1 1976 #3 [2]
2 1976–1977 #2 [3]
3 1977–1978 #1 [4]
4 1978–1979 #1 [5]
5 1979–1980 #29
6 1980–1981 #21 [6]
7 1981–1982 #20 [7]
8 1982–1983 #25 [8]

The fifth season (1979–1980) didn't break the Top 30, in part because of ABC's decision to move the series from its established time slot of Tuesday night at 8:30 pm, to 8:00 pm on Thursdays. After ratings plummeted, ABC switched the show back to Tuesdays, and the ratings improved some (Ended at #29), but the series never really recovered from a network decision that had favored the newer sitcom Angie.[citation needed]

Dramatic episodes

Although generally viewed as a slapstick comedy, a number of episodes included more dramatic storylines:

  • In Episode #103, "Why Did The Fireman..?", Laverne mourns her boyfriend's death. The episode guest starred Ted Danson as Randy Carpenter, a Milwaukee firefighter and Laverne's steady boyfriend, who is killed in the line of duty the night before he intended to propose to her. Laverne, completely in shock, refuses to accept his death and waits up all night for him to return home from his shift. The father-daughter scene between Penny Marshall (Laverne) and Phil Foster (Frank De Fazio) in which he gently consoles his daughter with the hard truth is an example of the dramatic acting uncharacteristic of the series. This episode was directed by Joel Zwick and was written by Roger Garrett.
  • In the Season 3 episode "The Slow Child", the girls befriend Mrs. Babish's partially-retarded daughter, Amy. Mrs. Babish does not care for how they treat her daughter as one of the girls, especially when Amy and Lenny begin to date.
  • Another issue the show focused on was how women were treated in the pre-feminist world of the 1950s and early 1960s. Unmarried women (unlike unmarried men of the time) were often expected to be virgins, and were also unequal in the work place.
  • In Episode #21, "Look Before You Leap", Laverne is sick and thinks she might be pregnant. This occurs because of an incident the previous month where she comes home wearing men's underwear. Lenny asks her to marry him, but she kindly declines. When Frank comes to the apartment, Laverne tells him about what happened. He comforts her and takes her to the hospital to see if she is pregnant. When Laverne whispers in everybody's ear, they start singing Hallelujah, implying that she is not pregnant.
  • In the Season 4 episode, "A Visit to the Cemetery", Laverne has a fight with Frank about Laverne not wanting to go to her mother's grave. Shirley tries to fix it, but she only makes it worse. After Lenny gives her some advice and tells her that he does not have a mother himself, she decides to make up with her father and go to the cemetery.


DVD releases

Paramount Home Entertainment and CBS DVD have released the first 4 seasons of Laverne and Shirley on DVD in Region 1. Season 1 has also been released on DVD in Region 2.

DVD Name Ep # Release Date
The Complete First Season 15 August 17, 2004
The Second Season 23 April 17, 2007
The Third Season 24 November 27, 2007
The Fourth Season 24 April 22, 2008


"Laverne & Shirley Sing"-1976 LP cover
"Lenny and the Squigtones"-1979 LP cover

In 1976, Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams released an album entitled Laverne and Shirley Sing, which contained some original songs along with some 1950s and 1960s standards. The album was released on Atlantic Records. On November 11, 2003, Collector's Choice released it on CD.

In 1979, Michael McKean and David Lander followed suit with the album Lenny and the Squigtones, featuring mainly original songs penned by McKean. The album was released on Casablanca Records.[citation needed]

McKean and Lander also appeared in character on Fernwood Tonight, the satirical late night talk show hosted by Martin Mull and Fred Willard. In this appearance they claimed that their characters on Laverne and Shirley were based on their real life personas. They also performed their original song "The Creature Without a Head".[citation needed]

McKean and Lander also appeared on American Bandstand performing the song "King of the Cars", which was released as the only single from the LP.[citation needed]


External links


Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

Laverne & Shirley was a situation comedy about two single roommates, Laverne DeFazio and Shirley Feeney, living and working in Milwaukee (the show's locale was later moved to Burbank, California). The show aired on ABC from 1976 to 1983.


Season 1

The Society Party (Pilot) [1.1]

Laverne: A Society gentleman would only go out with you for one reason - to have a good time, a few laughs, and a little vo-dee-oh-doh-doh.
Shirley: I don't vo-dee-oh-doh-doh!
Laverne: You vo-dee-oh-doh-doh.
Shirley: I don't vo-dee-oh-doh-doh!
Laverne: You vo-dee-OH...
Shirley: Once, and I was going steady a whole year...

[After Lenny and Squiggy ask Laverne and Shirley out on a date]

Shirley: No, thank you. We're going to a formal society dinner.
Lenny: [Sarcastically] Whoa, pardon me ladies...
Squiggy: Yeah, I would've worn my tuxedo, but my polo pony ate it.

[Reciting the poem Shirley wrote in her yearbook]

Laverne: If in heaven we don't meet, hand in hand we'll bear the heat. And if it ever gets too hot, Pepsi-Cola hits the spot.

Shirley: Laverne, the only parties we've ever been to are bring-your-own.
Laverne: I like bringin' my own... that way I know what I'm gettin'.

Shirley: [To Fonzie] This is Nana Shotz.
Fonzie: Hey Nana, life begins at 80, woah!

The Bachelor Party [1.2]

Shirley: Some day, God willing, I'm gonna be a mother. And if my daughter comes to me and says, "Mama, I want to go to this bachelor party and come outta this cake"... what can I tell her?
Laverne: A lot more than most mothers!

Bowling for Raspberries [1.3]

Laverne: Shirl, believe me, I'm not sick, and there's nothing in this place that will make me sick.
Squiggy: Hello!

Shirley: Those pills do not make her perky, they make her jerky!

A Nun's Story [1.4]

Shirley: She went to Chicago and became a nun. I stayed in Milwaukee and became a bimbo.
Laverne: You're no bimbo, Shirl.
Shirley: Yes, I am. Compared to her, I'm a bimbo.
Laverne: She's a nun. Compared to her, Eleanor Roosevelt's a bimbo.

Dog Day Blind Dates [1.6]

Shirley: I'll be as loose as I ever am on a first date. A little of this, a little of that, but no petting.

Once Upon a Rumor [1.7]

Squiggy: [To Shirley] What do you say we go to the drive-in, and you let me run amuck?

Laverne: He probably heard what a fun date you are.
Shirley: I know I'm fun...

Squiggy: You people make me stink!

Lenny: I saw it with my own two eyes. I had to choke back a blush!

Shirley: It's different for you. You don't have a reputation to protect.
Squiggy: What are you talking about, Shirley? For the first time in my life, I got a reputation!

Laverne: It just doesn't seem fair. A guy with a reputation is a hero. A girl with a reputation is a bimbo It just doesn't seem fair.
Shirley: Well, who knows, maybe a hundred years from now all that will have changed.
Laverne: Yeah, wouldn't it be great if no one cared about your reputation? Think of all the fun you could have!

Dating Slump [1.9]

Laverne: Touch my "L," sweetie, and your teeth go to Peoria!

Mother Knows Worst [1.15]

Mrs. Feeney: Now tell me, what do you girls like to do on a Saturday night?
Laverne: At home or in a car?

Season 2

Drive! She Said [2.1]

Squiggy: Lenny and I have two very respectful women upstairs, and we'd like to settle down to a nice, quiet orgy.

[In response to the girls' screaming]

Squiggy: Stop it, I'm going to lose my lust!

Excuse Me, May I Cut In? [2.4]

Laverne: What would you have to do if we wanted a color TV?
Shirley: We don't do those things.

Richie: Well, maybe we should do something again sometime.
Shirley: Anything but murder, mister.

Bridal Shower [2.5]

Squiggy:[To Lenny] What are you doing?!? When I'm talking to girls, don't stick your fingers in your mouth!

Big Rosie:[To Shirley] She drowned my fox!! (after Laverne dumps her stole in the punch-bowl)

Look Before You Leap [2.6]

Lenny: Me and Squiggy was talking and we decided that your kid oughta have a last name.
Laverne: Huh?
Lenny: On account of, if he don't, the poor little guy's never gonna get any mail.

[After learning that Laverne might be pregnant]

Lenny: So, me and Squiggy flipped a coin to see which one of us was gonna volunteer to be your husband.
Laverne: Awwww, and you lost, huh?
Lenny: No, I won.

Lenny: Now, Kosnowski's a pretty good last name Laverne. I had it practically all my life. My grandfather told me it means 'Help, there's a hog in my kitchen!'.

Lenny: I'm gonna make a good living. Plus, I'll practically never hit you or nothin'...

Call Me a Taxi [2.15]

[After Rosie offers the girls money]

Laverne: No thank you. I'd rather sell my body to science.
Rosie: Who else would buy it, DeFazio?

Shirley: What kind of guys give girls dimes to dance?
Laverne: Guys with small change.

Squiggy: [To Shirley, after seeing her stuffed chest] Look at you! You're all... swelled up! What do you, got the mumps?

Steppin' Out [2.16]

[After hearing Rosie Greenbaum's voice behind her]

Laverne: I know that voice, and I hate the person it's attached to!

Shirley: I'm shaving my legs. This ugly stubble is showing through my nylons.
Laverne: Ugly stubble, huh? That's what holds my nylons up!

[ After finding her Ten Commandments charm bracelet]

Shirley: I can't wear THIS! Thou Shall Not Kill is missing !

[ After Shirley gives her free nylons she got at gas station]

Laverne: You got nylons? All I got was a glow-in-the-dark snow scraper.

[Reciting a jingle]

Shirley: Hair all grungy, full of goo, shake and brush out, Quicky Poo!

Shirley: We're suing! We're suing Quicky Poo, we're suing that TV station, and we're suing Kukla, Fran and Ollie !
Laverne: Sue Kukla and Fran, but not Ollie, I like Ollie.

[After the water pressure is turned off, and Shirley needs to rinse her hair]

Laverne: Where am I going to get water?
Shirley: I don't know, just get me some water from SOME place!
[Laverne looks towards the toilet and smiles]
Shirley: Don't even think about it.

Shirley: My scalp is all itchy, I feel like I have athlete's head!

[Upon seeing Shirley drying her hair in the oven]

Squiggy: Oh my God, she's cooking herself to death!

Lenny and Squiggy: [In unison] Fire, fire, fire, someone get the net! Here come the firemen, to get the fire wet!

Hi, Neighbor Book 2 [2.19]

Shirley: We won't go out with just any old creep!
Laverne: Yeah, only those who ask us!

[Upon seeing the folded napkins on their restaurant table]

Lenny: They gave us... little hats!

Shirley: Excuse me. But how do you say meatloaf in french?
Waiter: (rolling eyes) You Don't.
The gang searches for it on the menu: Youdon't...Youdon't.

Squiggy: Oh, look at that wine! It's white, just like Barbara...

[After finding out that she was eating cow brain]

Laverne: Hey, Len, I'll trade you a brain for a chop.
Lenny: Now what am I going to do with a brain?

[As he gives Shirley one of his lobster claws]

Squiggy: Here, why don't you just suck on a wing, huh?

Citizen Krane [2.23]

Shirley: Charles Pfister Krane has a reputation!
Squiggy: So does my sister.

Season 3

Airport '59 [3.1]

Shirley: Laverne, I'm telling you, flying is safer than driving! Nobody has ever crashed into a cloud!
Laverne: Yeah, well nobody ever fell 40,000 feet from a DeSoto either.

Shirley: Does anybody have any hobbies they'd like to share with us? stamp collecting? coin collecting? Flying large aircraft?

The Pact [3.3]

Lenny: Boy, am I going to dream about her tonight!
Squiggy: Just don't make those gurgley sounds...

Robot Lawsuit [3.4]

Laverne: This is the creepiest thing I've ever seen!
Squiggy: Hello!

Laverne: My neck moved!!
Lenny: No, it didn't, it's right under your head.

Judge: This is the third time they've been in this week!
Lenny: This is really good though! He's got internal bleeding, check his pockets!

Laverne's Arranged Marriage [3.5]

Shirley: You marry a man with a square head, no neck, and hair on his thumbs, you know what your kids are gonna turn out like?
Squiggy: Hello!

An Affair to Forget, Part 1 (AKA The Cruise, Part 1) [3.6]

Edna: Well, where you're going is nice too.
Shirley: Yes... Detroit is lovely this time of year.

Laverne: If you ever lay your hands on our money again, I'll tell everyone you never vo-de-oh-doh-doh-ed!
Lenny: Oh yeah? I got witnesses!

Shirley: Uniforms? To sell shoes?
Laverne: Well, I love uniforms!
Shirley: You're thinking of sailors.
Laverne: I'm always thinking of sailors.

Ensign Benson: Is anybody sitting here?
Shirley: Nobody but you, mister.

Shirley: A man with peanut butter beckons and off you go?!

An Affair to Forget, Part 2 (AKA The Cruise, Part 2) [3.7]

Lenny: Shirl, you are a saint.
Squiggy: She's better than a saint, she's a... pope.

Laverne and Shirley Meet Fabian [3.8]

Laverne: Go get some blankets from the bedroom.
Lenny & Squiggy: [Excitedly] Bedroom!!

Laverne: C'mon guys, I gotta get her out of these wet clothes.
Squiggy: Okay, start with the shirt and do it slow...

Rosie: What do you know about fixing Cadillacs?
Lenny: Listen, what I don't know about cars you could fit in a manual.

Rosie: Come off of it, Shirley. Famous people do not dine with bimbos.
Laverne: Why not? You told me the mayor dined with you.

Shirley's Operation [3.9]

Shirley: The mad hatter did not wear fishnet stockings!
Laverne: Well, that's why he didn't get any action!

Edna: [To Frank] Quit complaining, you could look a lot worse.
Squiggy: Hello!

Shirley: [After learning that she might be having her appendix removed] I promised myself I'd remain intact until my wedding night, if you know what I mean...
Laverne: Shirl, guys don't care if you lose your appendix!

Doctor: I need to get something before I can leave here.
Laverne: You got it!
[Laverne plants a big kiss on his lips.]
Doctor: Wow, that was nice. But what I really needed was...
Laverne: [Interrupting] Now? In front of these people?

[Shirley wakes up in her hospital bed after Laverne was asked out by her doctor]

Shirley: By all rights, that should have been MY date.

Take My Plants, Please [3.11]

Laverne: [Explaining why the Braves' losing streak led to them being laid off] Let me explain it to you again. If the Braves don't play so good, then people don't go to games. If people don't go to games, then Shotz can't sell them beer. Do you got that?
Shirley: Then why don't they just lay off the Braves?

Shirley: I hate to go down to unemployment. It's embarrassing down there. Everybody down there knows you don't have a job.

Laverne: We'll have fun down at unemployment. We'll meet guys.
Shirley: Unemployed guys.
Laverne: I happened to meet a doctor there once.
Shirley: I want you to think about that for a minute, Laverne. Why would a doctor be unemployed, hmmm?
Laverne: He was so good... he cured everybody.

Shirley: There is nothing more despicable to me than this place.
Squiggy: Hello!

Squiggy: Lenny and me is working on the world's first combination electric toothbrush and radio. We call it the radio-brush. You'll be able to dance away your tooth decay!

Lenny: People are going to finally start brushing their teeth once a week like they ought to!
Shirley: This may come as a shock to you, but I brush my teeth after every meal.
Lenny: That's poor oral hygiene, Shirl. You're gonna wear them right down to the nub.

Squiggy: Go ahead and laugh. Just like they laughed at Columbus right before he discovered Ohio.

Shirley: Those boys have got the right idea. We should try making money at what we really love to do.
Laverne: I think we'd get arrested for that, Shirl.

Squiggy: What's with all the tropical flora?
Lenny: Didn't you used to go out with her?
Squiggy: No, that was Theresa DeFluca

Shirley: Do you know what? Girls love plants.
Squiggy: What do you do, you wait for them to lie down, and then kind of rub it all over their bodies?

Laverne: How about you, Len? You like girls, too, huh?
Lenny: Sure. Hey, if I get a bigger plant then him, will I get bigger women?

Laverne: I'll be the foreigner. Herbie Shoole once said I looked French.
Shirley: Herbie Shoole said you kissed French.

The Horse Show [3.14]

Laverne: What'd you have to do to him? [Carmine]
Shirley: Nothin'. Some guys are just natural gentlemen.
[Lenny and Squiggy burst through the door.]

The Slow Child [3.15]

Shirley: Alright, I'll just have to figure out some other way to keep people warm during the party, let me see... blankets, blankets would be good...
Laverne: Oh, I like blankets, then we can all get under 'em!

Lenny: [After he and Amy kiss] I liked the part when you said 'whisper'!

Laverne: Squiggy, do you know the Purple Fiends?
Squiggy: Know them? They beat me up three times!

The Second Almost Annual Shotz Talent Show [3.16]

Squiggy: This song is called "Night After Night," and it's about two nights in a row.

The Dentist [3.17]

[After Lenny's baby teeth are offered up to help Laverne's dental problem]

Squiggy: He loved those baby teeth! As if they was his own!

The Driving Test [3.19]

[Laverne is helping Squiggy practice for his written driver's test.]

Laverne: Squiggy, true or false...
Squiggy: True!
Laverne: I didn't ask the question yet!
Squiggy: Yes, you did. You said, "Squiggy, true or false?" I'm Squiggy, that would be true.

[After Squiggy walks in on Laverne washing the floors with her feet]

Squiggy: You wash your feet in the living room too?!?!!

Squiggy: [Referring to a bowl of mushy food] It's brown now, that means it was yellow once!

Lenny: You know girls, between us, Squiggy's not as smart as he looks...
Laverne: Aww, he's gotta be...

The Obstacle Course [3.20]

[Discussing Shirley's interest in the Ladies Auxiliary Milwaukee Police, a.k.a. "LAMP"]

Laverne: [To Shirley] You're too little to be a LAMP. Maybe you could be a nightlight...

Laverne: You're nothing but a yellow-bellied cream puff!
Shirley: Cream puff?! Cream puff?! I'll have you know that cream puffs don't have bellies!

Squiggy: What I don't have in strength, I make up for in what I lack up here! [Points to head]

Debutante Ball [3.21]

Lenny: My family may have left Poland in disgrace, but some day we'll return the same way!

Lenny: [To Laverne] You're pretty, and you're smart, and you happen to be the classiest girl I know.

Lenny: No need to bow, a simple crutsy will do.

Woman: In my country, I'd have your head!
Lenny: You'd look pretty stupid with my head!

The Dance Studio [3.23]

Laverne: I've got better things to do than spend my time in the kitchen!
Shirley: Oh yeah? Well answer me this - how do you intend on keeping a husband happy, hmmm?
[Laverne smiles suggestively]
Shirley: Well I hear that gives them quite the appetite!

[As Shirley cleans up Carmine's cuts]

Carmine: Ow, don't touch me! [Pauses] That's funny, that's what you usually say!

[Laverne goes to get the bible, where they keep the money, in order to float Carmine a loan.]

Laverne: Okay, Carmine, how much do you need?
Carmine: Five thousand bucks.
Laverne: [Flipping through the bible] Five thou-
[Laverne stops flipping the pages, closes the bible, and bows her head]
Laverne: Let us pray.

Carmine: No, no, you don't understand - I only need a wife for one night.
Shirley: Get out.
Carmine: No, no, no, it's for the money.
Laverne: Then why don't you just call Ready Betty Wazaluski?
Shirley: Both of you, get out of here!

Shirley: [To Laverne] Boy, you just stepped straight off the bus right into Filth Town, didn't you?

Breakin' Up and Makin' Up [3.24]

Squiggy: Alright, so maybe we are pickleheads... but we're the BEST DAMN PICKLEHEADS IN THE STATE OF MILWAUKEE!

[While watching a pageant on TV]

Squiggy: Ooh, the swimsuit competition! I'm gonna turn down the sound so we can see it better!

Shirley: [Stuck in a dress] Somebody get this dress off me!
[Lenny & Squiggy barge through the front door.]
Squiggy: This looks like a job for a couple of pickleheads!

Season 4

Playing the Roxy [4.3]

Shirley: I treat my body like a temple, Laverne. You choose to treat yours like an amusement park.

The Quiz Show [4.5]

Laverne: [Referring to a fur coat] This is the second best thing I've ever felt!

A Date With Eraserhead [4.7]

Laverne: [After seeing the guys gawk over a hot girl] Now I know who God gave the rest of my body to...

Dinner For Four [4.12]

Woman: [Speaking about Laverne and Shirley] You know the old saying - girls without looks make the best cooks.

Lenny: If you cut us, do we not bleed? If you slap us, do we not swell up? If you spit on us, do we not get wet?
Squiggy: The answer to all these questions is yes.

[After Shirley expresses disapproval over Laverne's proposed skimpy kitchen-attire]

Laverne: Well, it could get hot in their kitchen.
Shirley: Not if you don't take this it won't.

Laverne: We've got a date with a couple of veterinarians.
Squiggy: Never trust men who don't eat meat. There's something fishy about them.

Shirley: Nobody wants anything that's been chewed up and spit out.
Squiggy: Hello!

Lenny's Crush [4.18]

Laverne: You know that special feeling a guy gets for a girl?
Lenny: Yeah... I got that for you.

Squiggy: [To his date] Keep drinking, it'll make it easier...

Shirley: Don't be stupid! No man has EVER had a good time with me...

Lenny: What do you think?
Laverne: You spelled mustard wrong.
Lenny: Too many O's, huh?

Squiggy in Love [4.20]

Carmine: Love is blind.
Shirley: Yes, but deaf, dumb, and unable to smell?

Season 5

The Beatnik Show [5.16]

Laverne: [Reciting the poem she wrote about Shirley, titled "My Friend"] My best friend is Shirley Feeney, the best in all the land. Whenever we're in trouble, we face it hand in hand. We laugh when we are happy, we cry when we are sad. We talk when we are lonely, just to know her makes me glad. If I had one wish in life, I know what it would be. I'd have Shirl as my best friend, for all eternity.

Murder on the Moosejaw Express, Part 2 [5.21]

[Laverne is trying to think like a killer.]

Laverne: I'm a bald killer. I follow two dames into the dining car. One is a knockout - a long-legged beauty whose tall, senseless body makes me forget my miserable childhood. And with her... a friend. I follow the girls back to their compartment - if only the pretty one was there alone. But no such luck. The stump is in there with her.

[Laverne is holding a film canister.]

Laverne: The bald man may get me, but he ain't gonna get this! I know what to do!
[Walks purposefully into the bathroom, we hear the toilet flush.]
Laverne: Okay, now that's done. Now what am I going to do with this? [Pulls out film canister again]

Laverne: Lord, I swear, I'll never do another bad thing if you just send me some help.
Squiggy: Hello!

Winnie: Mind if I join you?
Shirley: Why, am I coming apart?

Season 6

The Dating Game [6.6]

Host (Jim Lange): Bachelor #3, would you please say hello to Monique?
Squiggy: Hello!

Monique: Bachelor #2, what kind of vegetable would you be?
Lenny: I would be a sauerkraut. It was my only toy as a child.

Lenny: I think I move her.
Squiggy: Nah, she's still there.

Squiggy: [To Monique] Go out with me, and thou gets toast!

Monique: Bachelor #3, if you could invent a machine to make me fall in love with you, what would it be?
Squiggy: A lawnmower.

Monique: What's the most romantic word you can think of?
Lenny: Lint.
Monique: Lint??
Lenny: Have you never been in love?

Host: Hang on to your enchiladas, because Andrew, you and your date are headed south of the border to the spicy city of... Acapulco!
Squiggy: Ahhhhh!
Lenny: We're going to France!!


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