M*A*S*H (TV series): Wikis

  
  
  

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M*A*S*H
M*A*S*H title screen
The M*A*S*H title screen (1972–77).
Format Medical drama / Dramedy / Situation comedy / Black comedy / Satire / Military
Created by H. Richard Hornberger
Developed by Larry Gelbart
Starring Alan Alda
    (1972–83)
Wayne Rogers
    (1972–75)
Mike Farrell
    (1975–83)
McLean Stevenson
    (1972–75)
Harry Morgan
    (1975–83)
Loretta Swit
    (1972–83)
Larry Linville
    (1972–77)
David Ogden Stiers
    (1977–83)
Gary Burghoff
    (1972–79)
Jamie Farr
    (1972–83)
William Christopher
    (1972–83)
Theme music composer Johnny Mandel (written for the film)
Opening theme "Suicide is Painless"
Ending theme "Suicide is Painless"
Country of origin  United States
No. of seasons 11
No. of episodes 251 (List of episodes)
Production
Location(s) United States Los Angeles County, California (Century City and the Malibu Creek area)
Camera setup Single camera
Running time 24–25 minutes (per episode)
Production company(s) 20th Century Fox Television
Broadcast
Original channel CBS
Original run September 17, 1972 – February 28, 1983
Chronology
Followed by AfterMASH
W*A*L*T*E*R
Related shows Trapper John, M.D.

M*A*S*H is an American television series developed by Larry Gelbart, adapted from the 1970 feature film MASH (which was itself based on the 1968 novel MASH: A Novel About Three Army Doctors, by Richard Hooker). The series is a medical drama/black comedy that was produced in association with 20th Century Fox Television for CBS. It follows a team of doctors and support staff stationed at the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital in Uijeongbu, South Korea, during the Korean War. M*A*S*H's title sequence featured an instrumental version of the song "Suicide Is Painless", which also appears in the original film. The show was created after an attempt to film the original book's sequel, M*A*S*H Goes to Maine, failed. It is the most well-known version of the M*A*S*H works.

The series premiered on September 17, 1972, and ended February 28, 1983, with the finale becoming the most-watched television episode in U.S. television history with 105.97 million viewers[1] (though one estimate said 125 million viewers[2]); in 2010, the Super Bowl XLIV surpassed the record with 106.5 million viewers.[1] The show is still broadcast in syndication on various television stations. The series, which covered a three-year military conflict, spanned 251 episodes and lasted eleven seasons.

Many of the stories in the early seasons are based on real-life tales told by real MASH surgeons who were interviewed by the production team. Like the movie, the series was as much an allegory about the Vietnam War (still in progress when the show began) as it was about the Korean War.[3] It took a number of minor creative liberties with the actual facts of the Korean War.

Contents

Episodes

Synopsis

M*A*S*H aired weekly in its original CBS run, with most episodes being a half-hour in length. The series is usually categorized as a situation comedy, though it is sometimes also described as a "dark comedy" or a "dramedy" because of the dramatic subject material often presented.[4] The show was an ensemble piece revolving around key personnel in a United States Army Mobile Army Surgical Hospital (MASH; the asterisks in the name are meaningless, a contrivance introduced in the novel) in the Korean War (1950–53). The 4077th MASH was just one of several surgical units in Korea. As the show developed, the writing took on more of a moralistic tone. Richard Hooker, who wrote the book on which the show (and the film version) was based, noted that Hawkeye was far more liberal in the show (in one of the sequel books, Hawkeye, in fact, makes reference to "kicking the bejesus out of lefties just to stay in shape"). While the show was mostly comedy, there were many episodes of a more serious tone. Stories were both plot- and character-driven. Most of the characters were draftees, with dramatic tension often occurring between them and "regular Army" characters, either among the cast (Swit as Houlihan, Morgan as Potter) or as guest stars (including Eldon Quick, Herb Voland, Mary Wickes, and Tim O'Connor).

Laugh track

The series creators wanted M*A*S*H broadcast without a laugh track, but the TV network, CBS, refused to allow this. As such, in America the series was shown complete with laugh track, but in the UK it aired as originally intended. It is a commonly held belief that the laugh track was never used during scenes in the operating room; however, this is not true.[5]

In the UK, one episode was accidentally broadcast with the laugh track left in, and the BBC announcer apologised for "the technical problems we had" afterwards.[citation needed]

On all released DVDs, both in the UK and America, there is an option to watch the show with or without the laugh track.

Cast

The cast of M*A*S*H from Season 8 onwards (clockwise from left): Mike Farrell, William Christopher, Jamie Farr, David Ogden Stiers, Loretta Swit, Alan Alda, Harry Morgan.

M*A*S*H maintained a relatively constant ensemble cast, with four characters—Hawkeye, Father Mulcahy, "Hot Lips", and Klinger—appearing on the show for all eleven seasons. Several other main characters who left or joined the show midway through its original run supplemented these four, and numerous guest appearances and one-time characters supplemented all of them.

Character Actor/Actress Rank Role
Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce
(Seasons 1–11)
Alan Alda Captain Chief Surgeon
John Patrick Francis Mulcahy
(Seasons 1–11)
George Morgan (Pilot Episode), replaced by William Christopher First Lieutenant,
later Captain
Chaplain
Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan
(Seasons 1–11)
Loretta Swit Major Head Nurse,
temporary Executive Officer
Maxwell Q. Klinger
(Seasons 1–11)
Jamie Farr Corporal,
later Sergeant
Medic,
later Company Clerk
John Francis Xavier "Trapper" McIntyre
(Seasons 1–3)
Wayne Rogers Captain Surgeon
Henry Braymore Blake
(Seasons 1–3)
McLean Stevenson Lieutenant Colonel Commanding Officer,
Surgeon
Franklin Marion "Frank" Burns
(Seasons 1–5)
Larry Linville Major,
later Lieutenant Colonel (off-screen)
Surgeon, Executive Officer
Temporary Commanding Officer (following the discharge of Henry Blake)
Walter Eugene "Radar" O’Reilly
(Seasons 1–7)
Gary Burghoff Corporal
(one episode as Second Lieutenant and another as "Corporal Captain")
Company Clerk,
Bugler
B.J. Hunnicutt
(replaced Trapper;
Seasons 4–11)
Mike Farrell Captain Surgeon
Sherman T. Potter
(replaced Henry Blake;
Seasons 4–11)
Harry Morgan Colonel Commanding Officer (after Lt. Col. Blake) ,
Surgeon
Charles Emerson Winchester III
(replaced Frank Burns;
Seasons 6–11)
David Ogden Stiers Major Surgeon, Executive Officer

Recurring characters

  • Nurse Kealani Kellye, a recurring character in the 4077th (appearing in 82 episodes), played by Kellye Nakahara. A warm character, she got more to say than the other nurses. She is often seen dancing with Radar, and later, Charles. The first name "Kealani" was never used in the series. On one occasion, David Ogden Stiers and Loretta Swit have inadvertently referred to her as "Nurse Nakahara" and "Lieutenant Nakahara", respectively.
  • Jeff Maxwell appeared as the bumbling Pvt. Igor Straminsky in 66 episodes. In his earlier appearances, he was the camp cook's aide, complaining that despite not actually cooking the food, he still had to listen to everyone's gripes about it. He was often the target of Hawkeye's wrath because of the terrible food, and the recipient of his "river of liver and ocean of fish" rant in "Adam's Ribs". His bumbling even ticked off Father Mulcahy when he creamed the fresh corn Mulcahy grew in "A War for All Seasons". In at least two episodes, he was called a sergeant by Major Burns because of his hatred of enlisted staff. In another episode, Burns asks his name and he replies "Maxwell", the actor's actual surname, Burns then replies with that name.
  • Dr. Sidney Freedman, Major, a psychiatrist, was played by Allan Arbus, who appeared twelve times (once as Dr. "Milton" Freedman).
  • Colonel Flagg Lt. Col. (Sam) Flagg, a paranoid infantry intelligence officer, was played by Edward Winter. He visited the unit six times.
  • Loudon Wainwright III appeared three times as Captain Calvin Spaulding, who was usually seen playing his guitar and singing.
  • Eldon Quick appeared three times as two nearly identical characters, Capt. Sloan and Capt. Pratt, officers who were dedicated to paperwork and bureaucracy.
  • Sergeant (later Pvt) Jack Scully, played by Joshua Bryant, appeared in three episodes as a love interest of Margaret Houlihan.
  • Sorrell Booke appeared twice as Brigadier General Bradley Barker. Booke was an actual Korean War veteran.
  • Robert Alda, Alan Alda's father, appeared twice as Maj. Borelli, a visiting surgeon.
  • Lt. Col. Donald Penobscot appeared twice (played by two different actors), once as Margaret's fiancé and once as her husband.
  • Staff Sgt. "Sparky" Pryor, a friend of Radar and Klinger, was the telephone operator usually called by the 4077th MASH. He was seen only once, played by Dennis Fimple, in Tuttle (Season 1, Episode 15), but was sometimes faintly heard on the phone when he yelled.
  • Sal Viscuso and Todd Susman played the camp's anonymous P.A. system announcer throughout the series. This unseen character broke the fourth wall only once, in the episode "Welcome to Korea" (4.1) when introducing the regular cast members. Normally he just tells the camp about the incoming wounded with a sense of humour. Both Viscuso and Susman appeared onscreen as other characters in at least one episode each.
  • Eileen Saki appeared in seven episodes as Rosie, the owner and head bartender at Rosie's Bar, which was frequented by the regular characters. Her first appearance on the show, however, was as the "madam" of a brothel which was occupying a much-needed hut in the episode "Bug Out" (the women agreed to vacate the hut in exchange for Klinger's wardrobe of dresses).
  • Timothy Brown appeared as Spearchucker Jones in early episodes as a captain who lived with Pierce, Burns, and Mcintyre in the "swamp". His character was removed when it was brought to the producer's attention that there were no African American ranking surgeons who served during the Korean war.

Actors with multiple roles

At least 18 guest stars made appearances as multiple characters:

  • Hamilton Camp appeared twice, first as the insane Cpl. "Boots" Miller in "Major Topper", and again as a film distributor named Frankenheimer in "The Moon is Not Blue".
  • Dennis Dugan appeared twice; as O.R. orderly Pvt. McShane in 3.20, "Love and Marriage", and again in 11.11, "Strange Bedfellows", as Col. Potter's philandering son-in-law, Robert "Bob" Wilson.
  • Tim O'Connor appeared as wounded artillery officer Col. Spiker and as visiting surgeon Norm Traeger. Both characters were noticeably at odds with Hawkeye.
  • Dick O'Neill appeared three times (each time in a different U.S. service branch): as Navy Admiral Cox, as Army Brigadier General Prescott, and as Marine Colonel Pitts.
  • Harry Morgan played both the 4077th's second beloved C.O. (Col. Sherman T. Potter) and the mentally unstable Major Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele in the show's third season, in the episode "The General Flipped at Dawn".
  • Soon-Tek Oh appeared five times: twice as North Korean POWs (in 4.6, "The Bus", and 8.10, "The Yalu Brick Road"); once as a North Korean doctor (5.9, "The Korean Surgeon"); once as O.R. orderly Mr. Kwang ("Love and Marriage"); and once as a South Korean interpreter who poses as a North Korean POW (11.3, "Foreign Affairs"). (Soon-Tek Oh was one of the few Korean actors to play a Korean on MASH; most of the other "Korean" characters were played by either Japanese or Chinese actors.)
  • Robert Karnes appeared twice: once as a Colonel in 4.1 and as a General in 6.4.
  • Clyde Kusatsu appeared four times: twice as a Korean bartender in the Officers' Club, once as a Chinese-American soldier, and once as a Japanese-American surgeon.
  • Robert Ito played a hood who works for the black market in 1.2, "To Market, To Market"; and a North Korean soldier disguised as a South Korean looking for supplies, in "The Korean Surgeon".
  • Mako appeared four times; once as a Chinese doctor, once as a South Korean doctor, once as a South Korean officer, and once as a North Korean soldier.
  • Jerry Fujikawa appeared as crooked Korean matchmaker Dr. Pak in "Love and Marriage"; as Trapper John's tailor in 3.3, "Officer of the Day"; as an acupuncturist named Wu in 8.24, "Back Pay"; as the Ouijongbu Chief of Police in "Rally Round the Flagg, Boys"; and as "Whiplash Wang" in "Deal Me Out".
  • John Orchard starred as Australian anesthetist Ugly John in the first season, and later appeared in 8.13 as disgruntled and drunken Australian MP Muldoon, who has an arrangement with Rosie the barkeep: he takes bribes (in the form of booze in his "coffee" mug) to "look the other way."
  • Richard Lee Sung appeared ten times as a local Korean who often had merchandise (and in one case, real estate) he wished to sell to the hospital staff; he once sold a backwards-running watch to Major Burns.
  • Jack Soo appeared twice; once as black market boss Charlie Lee, with whom Hawkeye and Trapper made a trade for supplies in "To Market, To Market"; and in "Payday" as a peddler who sold Frank two sets of pearls: one real, the other fake.
  • Ted Gehring appeared twice: in 2.12, as moronic Supply Officer Major Morris, who refuses to let the MASH doctors have a badly needed incubator, and in 7.6, as corrupt supply NCO Sgt. Rhoden.
  • Eldon Quick appeared three times, once as a finance officer and twice as Captain Sloan.
  • Edward Winter appeared as an Intelligence Officer named "Halloran" in 2.13, and in six episodes as Colonel Flagg (although Halloran may have been one of Flagg's numerous and often mid-episode-changing aliases).
  • Shizuko Hoshi appeared at least twice: once as "Rosie" of "Rosie's Bar" in episode 3.13, "Mad Dogs and Servicemen"; and once in 4.18, "Hawkeye", as the mother in a Korean family.
  • John Fujioka, who played the uncredited role of a Japanese Golf Pro in the movie, appeared three times in the series. The first time was in "Dear Ma" (1975) as Colonel Kim; the second time was in "The Tooth Shall Set You Free" (1982) as Duc Phon Jong; and the last time, he played a peasant in "Picture This" (1982).
  • Stuart Margolin appeared twice, first as psychiatrist Capt. Phillip Sherman in Season 1's "Bananas, Crackers and Nuts" (1.07), and again as plastic surgeon Major Stanley "Stosh" Robbins in Season 2's "Operation Noselift" (2.18).
  • Oliver Clark appeared twice. In "38 Across" he played the part of Hawkeye's crossword loving friend Lt. Tippy Brooks. In "Mail Call Three" he played the part of 'the other' Captain Ben Pierce.

Character names

  • Throughout the series, Klinger frequently introduces himself by his full name, Maxwell Q. Klinger, but never says what the Q. stands for.
  • B.J.'s real name is the subject of an episode's secondary plot line. Hawkeye goes to extreme lengths to learn what "B.J." stands for, but all official paperwork concerning his friend indicates that B.J. really is his first name. Toward the end of the episode, B.J. (in explaining who gave him his name) says, "My mother, Bea Hunnicut, and my father, Jay Hunnicut." A recurring joke in that episode is that upon being asked what B.J. stands for, B.J. merely replies, "Anything you want."
  • Frank Burns had two different middle names during his time on the show: X. and Marion.
  • Radar's first name is stated as Walter, and once (in "Fade In, Fade Out"), he introduces himself by his full name to Charles Emerson Winchester III as "Walter Eugene O'Reilly". The book says his name is J. Robespierre, and his first name is not revealed in the film.
  • In the finale ("Goodbye, Farewell and Amen"), Father Mulcahy tells Klinger that his full name is Francis John Patrick Mulcahy, in case Klinger might want to name any children of his after him. Yet, in all other episodes, his name was John Patrick Francis Mulcahy, and he just wanted others to call him by his confirmation name, Francis.
  • In the episode "Depressing News", Potter opens his office door and says to Klinger (who is operating a copying machine) 'RADAR I thought I gave you the afternoon off?'

Notable actors and actor information

  • Antony Alda, Alan Alda's half-brother, appeared in one episode ("Lend a Hand") as Corporal Jarvis.
  • Robert Alda, Alan Alda's father, had guest appearances in two episodes, "The Consultant" and "Lend a Hand". According to Alan Alda, "Lend a Hand" was his way of reconciling with his dad. He was always giving suggestions to Robert for their vaudeville act, and in "Lend a Hand", Robert's character was always giving Hawkeye suggestions. It was Robert's idea for the doctors to cooperate as "Dr. Right" and "Dr. Left" at the end of that episode, signifying both a reconciliation of their characters, and in real life as well.
  • While most of the characters from the movie carried over to the series, only four actors appeared in both: Gary Burghoff (Radar O'Reilly) and G. Wood (General Hammond) reprised their movie roles in the series, though Wood appeared in only three episodes. Timothy Brown (credited as "Tim Brown") played "Cpl. Judson" in the movie and "Spearchucker Jones" in the series. Corey Fischer played Capt. Bandini in the film and was the guitar-playing dentist "Cardozo" in the episode Five O'Clock Charlie.
  • Two of the cast members, Jamie Farr (Klinger) and Alan Alda (Hawkeye Pierce), served in the U.S. Army in Korea in the 1950s after the Korean War. The dog tags Farr wears on the show are his actual dog tags. Farr served as part of a USO tour with Red Skelton. Furthermore, Mike Farrell (B.J. Hunnicut) served in the U.S. Marine Corps as a younger man.
  • Gary Burghoff's left hand is slightly deformed, and he took great pains to hide or de-emphasize it during filming. He did this by always holding something (like a clipboard) or keeping that hand in his pocket. Burghoff later commented that his deformity would have made it impossible for him to be involved in active service.
  • Most of the M*A*S*H main cast guested on Murder She Wrote (with the exceptions of McLean Stevenson and Alan Alda). Wayne Rogers made five appearances as roguish PI Charlie Garrat. David Ogden Stiers appeared three times as a Civil War-infused college lecturer and once as a classical music radio host. G.W. Bailey appeared twice as a New York City cop. Larry Linville made two appearances as a cop who was sure that Jessica was in the CIA. Harry Morgan appeared once in a cleverly cut episode that mixed with an episode of Dragnet that Morgan had starred in. William Christopher made an appearance as a murderous bird watcher. Jamie Farr appeared in two episodes, once as a hopeful new publisher for Jessica Fletcher, and again with Loretta Swit (she played a modern artist framed for murder). Mike Farrell appeared as a Senate hopeful.
  • Through the series, several actresses play characters named Nurse Able or Nurse Baker, with widely varying personalities/roles. The characters' names were based on the military phonetic alphabet.
  • Ron Howard guest-starred as Marine Private Walter/Wendell Peterson in the episode ("Sometimes You Hear The Bullet"). Discovered to be underage and using his brother Walter's ID. He has come to Korea in order to impress his girlfriend. Hawkeye first gives the young soldier some sage advice about women and then essentially lets him decide for himself whether he wants to go back to the States or stay in Korea. After losing his best fiend, Tommy Gillis, Hawkeye immediately reports the young soldier to the MPs, sending him back to America and to safety-with the Purple Heart Frank Burns put in for after his back pain.
  • Leslie Nielsen guest-starred as Col. Buzz Brighton in the episode "The Ringbanger". Because of his high casualty record, Hawkeye and Trapper try to get him sent back to America by convincing him that he is insane.
  • Sal Viscuso is often credited as the sole PA announcer for the TV series and even the film. Though he did serve as the voice of the PA announcer for a time, Todd Susman had the longest tenure. Neither actor's voice was heard in the film.
  • Art LaFleur appeared in one episode in season 9 ("Father’s Day") as an MP looking for the person(s) responsible for a stolen side of beef.
  • Patrick Swayze appeared in one episode ("Blood Brothers") as Gary Sturgis, an injured soldier with a broken arm who is diagnosed with Leukemia.
  • John Ritter was in one episode ("Deal Me Out") early in his career, as a "shellshocked" soldier.
  • Football player Alex Karras was in one episode ("Springtime") serving as Hawkeye's body guard after the doctor saves his life.
  • Bruno Kirby (When Harry Met Sally, City Slickers) played Boone in the first episode. In the opening montage of the pilot episode, before Radar's warning of "choppers" you can see that Radar and Boone are throwing a football to each other. You see him later in the episode helping to carry a drugged-out Maj Frank Burns to a bed in post-op.

The set

34°05′47″N 118°44′42″W / 34.096347°N 118.744918°W / 34.096347; -118.744918

The 4077th actually consisted of two separate sets. An outdoor set, in the mountains near Malibu, California (Calabasas, Los Angeles County, California) was used for most exterior and tent scenes for every season. The indoor set, on a sound stage at Fox Studios, was used for the indoor scenes for the run of the series. Later, after the indoor set was renovated to permit many of the "outdoor" scenes to be filmed there, both sets were used for exterior shooting as script requirements dictated (e.g., night scenes were far easier to film on the sound stage, but scenes at the chopper pad required using the ranch).

Just as the series was wrapping production, a major brush fire destroyed the entire set on October 9, 1982. The fire was written into the final episode as a forest fire caused by enemy incendiary bombs.

The Malibu location is today known as Malibu Creek State Park. Formerly called the Century Ranch and owned by 20th Century Fox Studios until the 1980s, the site today is returning to a natural state, and is marked by a rusted Jeep and an ambulance used in the show. Through the 1990s, the area was occasionally used for TV commercial production; a Miller Beer ad with a "Mexican" setting for example was filmed there.

On February 23, 2008, series stars Mike Farrell, Loretta Swit, and William Christopher (along with producers Gene Reynolds and Burt Metcalfe and prolific M*A*S*H director Charles S. Dubin) reunited at the set to celebrate its partial restoration. The rebuilt iconic signpost is now displayed on weekends, along with tent markers and maps and photos of the set. The state park is open to the public. It was also the location where the film How Green Was My Valley (1941) and the Planet of the Apes TV series (1974) were filmed, among other productions.

When M*A*S*H was filming its last episode, the producers were contacted by the Smithsonian Institution, which asked to be given a part of the set. The producers quickly agreed and sent the tent, signposts, and contents of the "swamp", which was home to Hawkeye, BJ, Trapper, Charles, and Frank during the course of the show. The Smithsonian has the "swamp" on display to this day.[6] Originally found on the Ranch, Radar's teddy bear, once housed at the Smithsonian, was sold at auction on July 29, 2005 for $11,800.

Changes

Character departures, introductions and personality changes

Spearchucker Jones

During the first season, Hawkeye and Trapper's bunkmate was an African American character called Spearchucker Jones, played by actor Timothy Brown (Brown appeared in the film version as a corporal, while neurosurgeon Dr. Oliver Harmon "Spearchucker" Jones was played by former NFL player Fred Williamson). The character disappeared after 1.11, "Germ Warfare" because there is no record of African American doctors serving in Korea during the Korean War.[7]

Father Mulcahy

Chaplain of the 4077 unit, plays the piano and likes to feel needed. William Christopher plays as Mulcahy, replacing actor George Morgan, who played Father Mulcahy in the pilot episode.

Henry Blake

By Season 3, McLean Stevenson was growing unhappy in his supporting role to Alan Alda and Wayne Rogers. Midway through the season, he informed the producers that he wanted out of the show and out of his contract. With ample time to prepare a "Goodbye, Henry" show, it was decided that Henry Blake would be discharged and sent home for the Season 3 finale, which aired on Tuesday, March 18, 1975. In the final scene of his last episode ("Abyssinia, Henry"), Radar tearfully reports that Henry's plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan, and no survivors were found among the wreckage. The scene was the last one shot in the entire episode, and the page of script that reveals that development was given to the cast only moments before cameras rolled in order to make their reactions as real as possible. However, a technical error prompted the cast and crew to reshoot the scene; in the second take, which was aired, someone off-camera accidentally dropped a surgical instrument in the pin-drop silence following Radar's announcement. Up until then, they were going to get a message that Blake had arrived safely home. According to Larry Gelbart in an interview for the M*A*S*H 30th anniversary special, when Gary Burghoff saw that page of script, he told Stevenson "You son of a bitch, you're probably gonna get the Emmy for this." Neither Stevenson nor the show got the Emmy, although Executive Producer Gene Reynolds won for "Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series" in 1975. Although "Abyssinia, Henry" is now regarded as a classic episode, it garnered a barrage of angry mail from fans at the time; they were shocked that a main character was killed in such a way. Executive Producers Gene Reynolds and Larry Gelbart wrote all of them back, saying that they were trying to make a real-life point of the horrors of war.

After the news of Colonel Blake’s death shocked the nation, McLean Stevenson appeared the following night on The Carol Burnett Show, appearing in a smoking raft, waving his arms, hollering, "I’m OK! I’m OK!"[citation needed]

Trapper John McIntyre

Wayne Rogers (Trapper John McIntyre) was planning to return for Season 4. However, he also had a dislike for his supporting role to Alda, and because of his contract, he left the series. Though Rogers had been threatening to leave the series since Season One,[8] his departure was unexpected, compared to that of McLean Stevenson's. In addition, Rogers felt that his character was never given any real importance and that all the focus was on Alda's character, Hawkeye Pierce. Mike Farrell (Rogers’ replacement) was hastily recruited during the 1975 summer production hiatus. Actor Pernell Roberts later would assume the role of a middle-aged Trapper in the seven-year run of Trapper John, M.D..

With two of the three leads having departed the series, Season 4 was, in many ways, a major turning point for M*A*S*H. In the season's first episode, "Welcome to Korea", Hawkeye is informed by Radar that Trapper has been discharged while Hawkeye was on leave (audiences did not see Trapper's departure), while B.J. Hunnicutt came in as Trapper's replacement. (Trapper, however, was described by Radar as being so jubilant over his release that "he got drunk for two days, took off all his clothes, and ran naked through the mess tent with no clothes on," and left with a message: a kiss on the cheek for Hawkeye.)

Sherman T. Potter

In the season's second episode, "Change of Command", Col. Sherman T. Potter is assigned to the unit as commanding officer, replacing Frank Burns, who had taken over as commander after Blake's departure. Harry Morgan, who played Potter, had previously guest starred in Series 3.

Margaret Houlihan

Major Houlihan's role continued to evolve during this time; she became much friendlier towards Hawkeye and B.J., and had a falling-out with Frank. She later married a fellow officer, Lt. Col. Donald Penobscott, but the union did not last for long. The "Hot Lips" nickname was rarely used to describe her after about the midway point in the series. In fact, Loretta Swit wanted to leave the series in the eighth season to pursue other acting roles (most notably the part of Christine Cagney on Cagney & Lacey), but the producers refused to let her out of her contract. However, Swit did originate the Cagney role in the made-for-TV movie that served as that series' pilot. As the show progressed into its last few seasons, episodes were frequently used to demonstrate a moral point, most often about the horrors of war, in a move that has been criticized by some fans for overshadowing the carefree comedic style that the show had become famous for. Episodes written or directed by Alan Alda had an even greater propensity to follow a moral path.[citation needed]

Frank Burns

Larry Linville noted that his "Frank Burns" character was easier to dump on after head comedy writer Larry Gelbart departed after Season 4 and "Frank" and "Margaret" parted ways. Throughout Season 5, Linville realized he had taken Frank Burns as far as he could, and he decided that since he had signed a five-year contract and his fifth year was coming to an end, he would leave the series.[8] During the first episode of Season 6, "Fade Out, Fade In", Frank Burns (off camera) suffers a nervous breakdown due to Margaret's marriage and is held for psychiatric evaluation. In an unexpected twist, Burns is then transferred stateside to an Indiana Veterans Administration hospital, near his home, and is promoted to Lieutenant Colonel — in a sense, Frank's parting shot at Hawkeye. Unlike McLean Stevenson and Wayne Rogers, Linville had no regrets about leaving the series, saying, "I felt I had done everything possible with the character."[8] Linville was not alone when he left; Executive Producer Gene Reynolds left after the production of Season 5, and Bert Metcalfe and star Alan Alda took over the producing responsibilities. During Season 6, Alda and Metcalfe even consulted with Reynolds once a week, mainly to obtain help with their job of Executive Producers. These two men would remain as Executive Producers for the remaining five seasons.

Charles Emerson Winchester III

Major Charles Emerson Winchester III (David Ogden Stiers) was brought in as an antagonist of sorts to the other surgeons, but his relationship with them was not as acrimonious, although he was a more able foil. Unlike Frank Burns, Winchester did not care for the Army. His resentment stemmed, in part, from the fact that he was transferred from Tokyo General Hospital to the 4077th—thanks, in part, to a cribbage debt owed to him by his CO, Lt. Col. Horace Baldwin. What set him apart from Burns as an antagonist for Hawkeye and B.J. was that Winchester was clearly an excellent, technically superior surgeon, though his work sometimes suffered from his excessive perfectionism when rapid "meatball surgery" was called for.

Winchester was respected by the others professionally, but at the same time, as a Boston blue blood, he was also snobbish, which drove much of his conflict with the other characters. Still, the show's writers would occasionally allow Winchester's humanity to shine through, such as in his dealings with a young piano player who had partially lost the use of his right hand; the protection of a stuttering soldier from the bullying of other soldiers (it is revealed later that Winchester's sister stutters); his keeping a vigil with Hawkeye when Hawkeye's father went into surgery back in the States; or his continuing a family tradition of anonymously giving Christmas treats to an orphanage. The episode featuring this tradition is considered by many fans to be among the most moving in the series, as Winchester subjects himself to condemnation after realizing that "it is sadly inappropriate to offer dessert to a child who has had no meal." Isolating himself, he is saved by Klinger's own gift of understanding. Klinger scrapes together a Christmas dinner for Charles, with the provison that the source of the gift remain anonymous (Klinger had overheard Winchester's argument with the manager of the orphanage). For the final moment of the episode, the two are simply friends as Charles says, "Thank you, Max," and Klinger replies, "Merry Christmas, Charles."

Radar O'Reilly

Gary Burghoff (Radar O'Reilly) had been growing restless in his role since at least Season 4. With each successive year, he appeared in fewer episodes; and by Season 7, Radar is in barely half of the shows. Burghoff planned to leave at the end of the seventh season (in 1979), but was convinced by producers Alda and Metcalfe to wait until the beginning of Season 8, when he filmed a two-part farewell episode, "Good-Bye, Radar", as well as a few short scenes that were inserted into episodes preceding it. The series' final nod to Radar came in the penultimate episode of the series, "As Time Goes By", when his iconic teddy bear was included in a time capsule of the 4077th's instigated by Hot Lips, which Hawkeye says is a symbol of those who "came as boys and went home as men."

Max Klinger

Max Klinger also grew away from the transvestite reputation that overshadowed him. He dropped his Section 8 pursuit when taking over for Radar as company clerk. Both Farr and the producers felt that there was more to Klinger than a chiffon dress, and tried to develop the character more fully. In the role of company clerk, Klinger's personality turned more to the "wheeler-dealer" aspects of his personality developed in the streets of Toledo, using those skills to aid the 4077th. Farr stayed throughout the rest of the series. In the final episode, he is, ironically, the only character who announces that he is staying in Korea. However, in the short-lived spin-off, AfterMASH, we learn that soon after the end of the war, Klinger did indeed return to the United States to marry Soon Lee.

Change in tone

As the series progressed, it made a significant shift from being primarily a comedy to becoming far more drama-focused. Changes behind the scenes were the cause, rather than the oft-cited cast defections of McLean Stevenson, Larry Linville, Wayne Rogers and Gary Burghoff. Executive Producer Gene Reynolds left at the end of the fifth season in 1977. This, coupled with head writer Larry Gelbart's departure the previous season, stripped the show of its comedic foundation. Likewise, with the departure of Larry Linville after five seasons, the series lost its "straight man" (comic foil).

Beginning with the sixth season, Alan Alda and new Executive Producer Burt Metcalfe became the "voice" of M*A*S*H, and continued in those roles for the remaining five seasons (though Alda and Gene Reynolds became Executive Consultants). By the eighth season in 1979, the writing staff had been totally overhauled, and M*A*S*H displayed a different feel—consciously moving between comedy and drama, unlike the seamless integration of years gone by. In addition, the episodes became more political. At the same time, many episodes from the later era were praised for its experimentation with the half-hour sitcom format, including "Point of View" (an episode shown from the POV of a wounded soldier), "Dreams" (which show the lyrical and eventually disturbing dreams of the 4077 personnel), "A War For All Seasons" (which takes place over the course of 1951), and "Life Time" (which takes place in real time).

Another change was the infusion of story lines based on actual events and medical developments that materialized during the Korean War. Considerable research was done by the producers, including interviews with actual MASH surgeons and personnel to develop story lines rooted in the war itself. Such early 1950s events as the McCarthy era, various sporting events, and the stardom of Marilyn Monroe were all incorporated into various episodes, a trend that continued until the end of the series.

While the series remained popular through these changes, it eventually began to run out of creative steam. The producers would get phone calls from actual Korean War doctors, telling them experiences they had and wanted to include those into upcoming episodes. According to Burt Metcalfe, they had to refuse some (if not all) storylines from the doctors, saying they had used them up in previous episodes. Harry Morgan, who played Col. Potter, admitted in an interview that he felt "the cracks were starting to show" by Season 9,[8] and the cast had agreed to make Season 10 their last. CBS decided otherwise, saying that their hit show wasn't going to go away so suddenly. Ultimately, CBS persuaded the cast and crew to produce half a regular season of episodes for the final year (making an official run of eleven seasons) and end the series with a big finale, which ultimately became one of the most watched episodes in television history.

"Goodbye, Farewell and Amen"

"Goodbye, Farewell and Amen" was the final episode of M*A*S*H. The episode aired on February 28, 1983, and was 2½ hours long. The episode got a Nielsen rating of 60.2 and 77 share, translating into nearly 106 million Americans watching that night, which established it as the most-watched episode in United States television history, a record that stood for nearly 27 years. On February 7, 2010, Super Bowl XLIV surpassed the number of viewers as 106.5 million viewers tuned in to watch the New Orleans Saints beat the Indianapolis Colts compared to the 105.97 million who watched GFA in 1983, when there were only 235 million people. However, the ratings and audience share remain higher with the GFA episode: Super Bowl XLIV got only a 46.4 Rating and 68% Share when there were 308.7 million people.[9]

When the "MASH" finale ran in 1983, there were 83.3 million television homes; in February 2010, there are almost 115 million television homes.[1]

According to articles from the Associated Press from March, 1983, "CBS parlayed the final episode of MASH - which got the highest rating and attracted the largest audience ever for a single TV program - into a big ratings victory for the week..."[citation needed]

The only record "Goodbye, Farewell and Amen" did not break was the highest percentage of homes with television sets to watch a TV series, which is still held by the August 1967 final episode of The Fugitive, starring David Janssen as Dr. Richard Kimble, which was watched in 72% of all American homes with television sets.[citation needed]

Stories persist that the episode was seen by so many people that, during the commercial breaks of the episode, the New York City Sanitation/Public Works Department reported that the plumbing systems had broken down in some parts of the city. Said to be the largest use of water ever around the city because so many New Yorkers waited until the advertising breaks to go to the toilet, the stories are considered largely apocryphal.[10]

Awards

M*A*S*H won a total of 14 Emmy Awards during its eleven-year run:

  • 1974 — Outstanding Comedy Series – M*A*S*H; Larry Gelbart, Gene Reynolds (Producers)
  • 1974 — Best Lead Actor in a Comedy Series – Alan Alda
  • 1974 — Best Directing in Comedy – Jackie Cooper
  • 1974 — Actor of the Year, Series – Alan Alda
  • 1975 — Outstanding Directing in a Comedy Series – Gene Reynolds
  • 1976 — Outstanding Film Editing for Entertainment Programming – Fred W. Berger and Stanford Tischler
  • 1976 — Outstanding Directing in a Comedy Series – Gene Reynolds
  • 1977 — Outstanding Directing in a Comedy Series – Alan Alda
  • 1977 — Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series – Gary Burghoff
  • 1979 — Outstanding Writing in a Comedy-Variety or Music Series – Alan Alda
  • 1980 — Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy or Variety or Music Series – Loretta Swit
  • 1980 — Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy or Variety or Music Series – Harry Morgan
  • 1982 — Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series – Alan Alda
  • 1982 — Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy or Variety or Music Series – Loretta Swit

The show was also honored with a Peabody Award in 1975 "for the depth of its humor and the manner in which comedy is used to lift the spirit and, as well, to offer a profound statement on the nature of war." M*A*S*H was cited as "an example of television of high purpose that reveals in universal terms a time and place with such affecting clarity."[11]

Season ratings

Season Ep # Season Premiere Season Finale Ranking Viewers
(in millions)
Season 1 24 September 17, 1972 March 25, 1973 Not in top 30[12] N/A
Season 2 24 September 15, 1973 March 2, 1974 #4[13] 17.02[13]
Season 3 24 September 10, 1974 March 18, 1975 #5[14] 18.76[14]
Season 4 24 September 12, 1975 February 24, 1976 #15[15] 15.93[15]
Season 5 24 September 21, 1976 March 15, 1977 #4[16] 18.44[16]
Season 6 24 September 20, 1977 March 27, 1978 #9[17] 16.91[17]
Season 7 25 September 18, 1978 March 12, 1979 #7[18] 18.92[18]
Season 8 25 September 17, 1979 March 24, 1980 #5[19] 19.30[19]
Season 9 20 November 17, 1980 May 4, 1981 #4[20] 20.53[20]
Season 10 21 October 26, 1981 April 12, 1982 #9[21] 18.17[21]
Season 11 16 October 25, 1982 February 28, 1983 #3[22] 18.82[22]

Influences on pop culture

In music, Welsh rock band Manic Street Preachers released a cover version of "Suicide Is Painless" as a charity single to help The Spastics Society (now Scope) in 1992. It was their first UK top ten hit. Marilyn Manson also released a cover version that was featured on the Blair Witch Project 2 soundtrack album.

Author Paulette Bourgeois credits "C*A*V*E" (episode 164), in which Hawkeye was afraid of being in a dark cave, as the inspiration for the first work in the children's book series Franklin. Glen Charles and Les Charles, the creators of Cheers, started their careers in television by writing "The Late Captain Pierce".

There have been numerous references to M*A*S*H in other series, including several episodes of Family Guy, the Futurama "War is the H-Word", The Simpsons episode "Half-Decent Proposal", and the Scrubs episode "My Super Ego". On Sesame Street, in a homage to Radar O'Reilly and his teddy bear, Big Bird's teddy bear's name is Radar. Jamie Farr appeared as himself on a 1995 episode of Women of the House titled "Guess Who's Sleeping in Lincoln's Bed?" (the series was written and created by former M*A*S*H writer Linda Bloodworth-Thomason), and he ultimately got into drag. He also appeared in an episode of That '70s Show as himself, where he directly mentions his work on M*A*S*H.

The 1975-76 children's series Uncle Croc's Block included a recurring animated segment called "M-U-S-H", about a group of police dogs stationed at an Arctic Circle outpost. The segment's premise, title (an acronym for Mangy Unwanted Shabby Heroes), and characters (Bullseye, Trooper Yoe, Cold Lips, Major Hank Sideburns, Colonel Flake, Sonar) all parodied M*A*S*H.

Spinoffs and specials

M*A*S*H had two official spinoff shows: the short-lived AfterMASH, which features several of the show's characters reunited in a midwestern hospital after the war, and an unpurchased television pilot, W*A*L*T*E*R, in which Walter "Radar" O’Reilly joins a stateside police force. For legal reasons,[citation needed] the more successful Trapper John, M.D. is considered a spinoff of the original theatrical film, rather than the series.

A documentary special titled Making M*A*S*H, narrated by Mary Tyler Moore and taking viewers behind the production of the Season 9 episodes "Old Soldiers" and "Lend a Hand", was produced for PBS in 1981. The special was later included in the syndicated rerun package, with new narration by producer Michael Hirsch.

Two retrospective specials were produced to commemorate the show's 20th and 30th anniversaries. Memories of M*A*S*H, hosted by Shelley Long and featuring clips from the series and interviews with cast members, was aired by CBS on November 25, 1991. A 30th Anniversary Reunion special, in which the surviving cast members and producers gathered to reminisce, aired on the Fox network on May 17, 2002. The two-hour broadcast was hosted by Mike Farrell, who also got to interact with the actor he replaced, Wayne Rogers; previously filmed interviews with McLean Stevenson and Larry Linville, both of whom had died by that time, were featured as well. The two specials are included as bonuses on the Collector's Edition DVD of "Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen". Also included is "M*A*S*H: Television's Serious Sitcom", a 2002 episode of the A&E cable channel's Biography program that detailed the history of the show.

In the late 1980s, the cast had a partial reunion in a series of commercials for IBM personal computers. All of the front-billed regulars (with the exceptions of Stevenson, Stiers, and Farrell) appeared in the spots over time.

In the mid-2000s, Harry Morgan, Jamie Farr, and Gary Burghoff reunited for a public service announcement promoting information about diabetes (a disease which all three actors have in its Type 1 form). It took place on the company clerk's office set and featured Klinger eating large amounts of chocolate pudding in an attempt to get diabetes in order to be discharged. The commercial is outside of continuity, as it had Klinger wearing his Toledo Mud Hens jersey, which he did primarily after Radar left the series.[citation needed]

DVD releases

20th Century Fox has released all 11 seasons of M*A*S*H on DVD in Region 1 & Region 2.

DVD Name Ep # Release dates
Region 1 Region 2
M*A*S*H Season 1 24 January 8, 2002 May 19, 2003
M*A*S*H Season 2 24 July 23, 2002 October 13, 2003
M*A*S*H Season 3 24 February 18, 2003 March 15, 2004
M*A*S*H Seasons 1–3 72 N/A October 31, 2005
M*A*S*H Season 4 24 July 15, 2003 June 14, 2004
M*A*S*H Seasons 1–4 96 December 2, 2003 N/A
M*A*S*H Season 5 24 December 9, 2003 January 17, 2005
M*A*S*H Season 6 24 June 8, 2004 March 28, 2005
M*A*S*H Season 7 25 December 7, 2004 May 30, 2005
M*A*S*H Season 8 25 May 24, 2005 August 15, 2005
M*A*S*H Season 9 20 December 6, 2005 January 9, 2006
M*A*S*H Seasons 1–9 214 December 6, 2005 N/A
M*A*S*H Season 10 21 May 23, 2006 April 17, 2006
M*A*S*H Season 11 16 November 7, 2006 May 29, 2006
Martinis and Medicine Collection
(Complete Series)
251 November 7, 2006 October 30, 2006
Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen Collector's Edition 1 May 15, 2007 N/A

On the set

M*A*S*H was the first American network series to use the phrase "son of a bitch" (in the 8th-season episode "Guerilla My Dreams"), and there was brief partial nudity in the series (notably Gary Burghoff's buttocks in "The Sniper" and Hawkeye in one of the "Dear Dad" episodes). A different innovation was the show's producers' not wanting a laugh track, as the network did. They compromised with a "chuckle track", played only occasionally. (DVD releases of the series allow viewers a no-laugh-track option.)

In his blog, writer Ken Levine revealed that on one occasion, when the cast offered too many nitpicking "notes" on a script, he and his writing partner changed the script to a "cold show"—one set during the frigid Korean winter. The cast then had to stand around barrel fires in parkas at the Malibu ranch when the temperatures neared 100 degrees. Levine says, "This happened maybe twice, and we never got a ticky-tack note again."

Character information

Throughout the run of the series, any "generic" nurses (those who had a line or two but were minor supporting characters otherwise) were generally given the names "Nurse Able", "Nurse Baker", or "Nurse Charlie". These names stem from the enunciated alphabet used by the military and ham radio operators at the time. During the Korean War, the letters A, B, and C in the phonetic alphabet were Able, Baker, and Charlie (since then, the standard has been updated; A and B are now Alpha and Bravo). In later seasons, it became more common for a real character name to be created, especially as several of the nurse actors became semi-regulars. For example, Kellye Nakahara played both "Able" and "Charlie" characters in Season 3 before becoming the semi-regular "Nurse Kellye"; on the other hand, Judy Farrell (then Mrs. Mike Farrell) played Nurse Able in eight episodes, including the series finale.

By the time the series ended, three of the regulars had been promoted. Klinger (Jamie Farr) went from Corporal to Sergeant, and Father Mulcahy (William Christopher) went from Lieutenant to Captain. Frank Burns (Larry Linville) was promoted from Major to Lieutenant Colonel when he was shipped back to the U.S. following Margaret's marriage. (Farr and Christopher also saw their names move from the closing credits of the show to the opening credits.) Radar O'Reilly was fraudulently "promoted" for a short time (via a machination of Hawkeye and B.J.) to Second Lieutenant, but discovered he disliked officer's duties and asked them to "bust" him back to Corporal.

It was Mike Farrell who asked that his character's daughter's name be Erin, after his real-life daughter (the character's name was originally going to be Melissa). When B.J. spoke on the telephone on-camera, Erin or his then-wife Judy were on the other end.

Character injuries

Three MASH 4077 staff members suffered fatalities on the show: Colonel Blake, when his plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan; an ambulance driver, O'Donnell, in a traffic accident; and a nurse, Millie Carpenter, by a land mine. Though actually an imaginary person made up by Hawkeye Pierce to provide money for Sister Teresa's orphanage, "Capt. Tuttle" was killed when he jumped from a helicopter without a parachute. Hawkeye provided him a very ironic eulogy.

Among those wounded were Hawkeye Pierce ("Hawkeye"; "Lend a Hand"; "Out of Sight, Out of Mind"; and "Comrades in Arms [Part I]"), Radar O'Reilly ("Fallen Idol"), B.J. Hunnicutt ("The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan" and "Operation Friendship"), Max Klinger ("Operation Friendship" and "It Happened One Night"), Father Mulcahy ("Goodbye, Farewell and Amen"), and Sherman Potter ("Dear Ma"). Henry Blake was injured four times: once by a disgruntled chopper pilot ("Cowboy"); once by friendly fire ("The Army-Navy Game"); and in season 3, episode 15 ("Bombed"), Henry is injured when the latrine he is in is blown up. (The gag of Blake's being caught in a exploding latrine is also in the episode "Cowboy".)Henry is also injured when the latrine catches fire.

At least two personnel suffered emotional breakdowns: Hawkeye Pierce ("Goodbye, Farewell and Amen") and Frank Burns ("Fade Out, Fade In [Part 1]" and "Fade Out, Fade In [Part 2]").

Vehicles

The helicopters used on the series were model H-13 Sioux (military designation and nickname of the Bell 47 civilian model). As in the film, some care seems to have been taken to use the correct model of the long-lived Bell 47 series. In the opening credits and many of the episodes, Korean War vintage H-13Ds and Es (Bell 47D-1s) were used complete with period-correct external litters. However, occasionally, a later (1954-73) 47G would make an appearance. The helicopters are remarkably similar in appearance (with the later "G" models having larger two-piece fuel tanks, a slightly revised cabin as well as other changes) with differences noticeable only to a serious helicopter fan. In at least one episode, a later (production began in 1957), larger 4-seat 47J was used as a transport helicopter. [23]

The Jeeps used were 1953 military M38 or civil CJ2A Willys Jeeps and also WW2 Ford GPWs and Willys Mbs. Two of the ambulances were WC-54 Dodges and one was a WC-27. A WC-54 ambulance remains at the site and was burned in the Malibu fires while a second the WC-27 survives at a El Monte, CA museum without any markings. The bus used to transport the wounded was an early-1950s Ford model. In the last season a M43 ambulance from Korean War era was also used in Conjunction with the WC-54s and WC-27.

Unique and unusual episodes

The series had several unique episodes, which differed in tone, structure, and style from the rest of the series and were significant departures from the typical sitcom or dramedy plot. Some of these episodes include:

  • The "letter episodes", which are flashback episodes narrated by a character as if they are writing a letter. Hawkeye writes to his dad (the first time he writes his father, it is a narration done by him at the start of the "M*A*S*H the Pilot" episode and then as follows: "Dear Dad", "Dear Dad... Again", "Dear Dad... Three", and he tape records a message in "A Full Rich Day"); Potter writes to his wife ("Dear Mildred"); BJ writes home to his wife ("Dear Peggy"); Radar writes to his mother ("Dear Ma") and tries his hand at creative writing ("The Most Unforgettable Characters"); Sidney writes to Sigmund Freud ("Dear Sigmund"); Winchester "writes" home by recording an audio message ("The Winchester Tapes"); Winchester's houseboy—a North Korean spy—writes to his superiors ("Dear Comrade"); Father Mulcahy writes to his sister, a nun ("Dear Sis"); Klinger writes home to his uncle ("Dear Uncle Abdul"); and the main characters all write to children in Crabapple Cove ("Letters").
  • The "mail call episodes": "Mail Call", "Mail Call Again", and "Mail Call Three". In these episodes, the members of the 4077th receive letters and packages from home.
  • "O.R." (originally aired October 8, 1974), which takes place entirely within the confines of the operating room (and was the first episode to omit the laugh track completely).
  • "Bulletin Board" (originally aired January 14, 1975), an episode showing various camp activities as seen on notices found on the camp bulletin board. These include a sex lecture by Henry, a letter written by Trapper, a Shirley Temple movie, and a picnic.
  • "The Bus" (originally aired October 17, 1975), in which Hawkeye, BJ, Potter, Frank, and Radar find themselves lost and stranded behind enemy lines on their way back from a medical convention. (It is one of only three episodes in the series where the entire story takes place outside the 4077th camp, and is also one of only three episodes that does not include a scene of the surgeons operating in the 4077th O.R. or another operating room.)
  • "Hawkeye" (originally aired January 13, 1976), in which Hawkeye is taken in by a Korean family (who understand no English) after suffering a head injury in a jeep accident far from the 4077th, and he carries on what amounts to a 23-minute monologue in an attempt to remain conscious. (Alan Alda is the only cast member to appear in the episode.)
  • "Deluge" (originally aired February 17, 1976), "The M*A*S*H Olympics" (originally aired November 22, 1977), and "Give 'em Hell, Hawkeye" (originally aired November 16, 1981) all intersperse vintage Movietone newsreel footage with activities at the 4077th.
  • "The Interview" (originally aired February 24, 1976), which is a sort of mockumentary about the 4077th. It is shot in black-and-white and presented as a 1950s television broadcast, with the cast partially improvising their responses to interviewer Clete Roberts' questions. Roberts returned for "Our Finest Hour" (originally aired October 9, 1978), which interspersed new black-and-white interview segments with color clips from previous episodes.
  • "Point of View" (originally aired November 20, 1978), which is shot from the point of view of a soldier who is wounded in the throat and taken to the 4077th for treatment.
  • "A Night at Rosie's" (originally aired February 26, 1979), which takes place entirely at Rosie's Bar just outside of camp.
  • "Life Time" (originally aired November 26, 1979), which takes place in real time as the surgeons perform an operation that must be completed within 20 minutes (a clock in the corner of the screen counts down the time).
  • "Dreams" (originally aired February 18, 1980), in which the dreams of the overworked and sleep-deprived members of the 4077th are visually depicted, revealing their fears, yearnings, and frustrations. This episode was conceived by James Jay Rubinfier and cowritten with Alan Alda. The episode received two prestigious writing honors: The Humanitas Prize (1980) and a Writers' Guild of America nomination for episodic television writing in the dramatic category, which was a first, as M*A*S*H received WGA nominations in both comedy and drama categories that same year.
  • "A War for All Seasons" (originally aired December 29, 1980), which compresses an entire year in the life of the 4077th into a single episode.
  • "Follies of the Living—Concerns of the Dead" (originally aired January 4, 1982), in which a dead soldier's ghost (Kario Salem) wanders around the compound, and only a feverish Klinger is able to see him or speak with him.
  • "Where There's a Will, There's a War" (originally aired February 22, 1982), which features a series of flashbacks as Hawkeye recalls his friends' most endearing qualities while writing his last will and testament during heavy fighting at a frontline aid station.

See also

Notes and references

  1. ^ a b c Flint, Joe (2010-02-09). "Super Bowl XLIV game a ratings winner". Los Angeles Times. http://articles.latimes.com/2010/feb/09/entertainment/la-et-bowlratings9-2010feb09. Retrieved 2010-02-11. 
  2. ^ Associated Press - Los Angeles, Thursday, March 3, 1983
  3. ^ Schochet, Stephen. "The Ironies of MASH". hollywoodstories.com, 2007. The show's producers have said that it was about war and bureaucracy in general.
  4. ^ The term "dramedy", although coined in 1978, was not in common usage until after M*A*S*H had gone off the air
  5. ^ The laugh track is used during operating room scenes in many early episodes, most notably Dear Dad... Again, in which the laugh track is played after several of Hawkeye's OR jokes.
  6. ^ 30th Anniversary Reunion Special
  7. ^ *Whitebols, James H. Watching M*A*S*H, Watching America: A Social History of the 1972-1983 Television Series, pg 17
  8. ^ a b c d Kalter, Suzy (1984). The Complete Book of M*A*S*H, Abradale Press, ASIN: B000ONQAOS
  9. ^ "Saints' win over Colts in Super Bowl XLIV is most-watched television program ever". USA Today. 2010-02-08. http://content.usatoday.com/communities/thehuddle/post/2010/02/saints-win-in-super-bowl-xliv-scores-highest-tv-ratings-since-1987/1. Retrieved 2010-02-11. 
  10. ^ "Super Bowl Legends". Snopes. 3 February 2005. http://www.snopes.com/sports/football/superbowl.asp.  See the explanation under the first claim, Sewage systems of major cities have broken due to the tremendous number of toilets being flushed simultaneously at halftime.
  11. ^ http://www.peabody.uga.edu/winners/details.php?id=671
  12. ^ "TV Ratings: 1972–1973". ClassicTVHits.com. http://www.classictvhits.com/tvratings/1972.htm. Retrieved 2010-01-09. 
  13. ^ a b "TV Ratings: 1973–1974". ClassicTVHits.com. http://www.classictvhits.com/tvratings/1973.htm. Retrieved 2010-01-09. 
  14. ^ a b "TV Ratings: 1974–1975". ClassicTVHits.com. http://www.classictvhits.com/tvratings/1974.htm. Retrieved 2010-01-09. 
  15. ^ a b "TV Ratings: 1975–1976". ClassicTVHits.com. http://www.classictvhits.com/tvratings/1975.htm. Retrieved 2010-01-09. 
  16. ^ a b "TV Ratings: 1976–1977". ClassicTVHits.com. http://www.classictvhits.com/tvratings/1976.htm. Retrieved 2010-01-09. 
  17. ^ a b "TV Ratings: 1977–1978". ClassicTVHits.com. http://www.classictvhits.com/tvratings/1977.htm. Retrieved 2010-01-09. 
  18. ^ a b "TV Ratings: 1978–1979". ClassicTVHits.com. http://www.classictvhits.com/tvratings/1978.htm. Retrieved 2010-01-09. 
  19. ^ a b "TV Ratings: 1979–1980". ClassicTVHits.com. http://www.classictvhits.com/tvratings/1979.htm. Retrieved 2010-01-09. 
  20. ^ a b "TV Ratings: 1980–1981". ClassicTVHits.com. http://www.classictvhits.com/tvratings/1980.htm. Retrieved 2010-01-09. 
  21. ^ a b "TV Ratings: 1981–1982". ClassicTVHits.com. http://www.classictvhits.com/tvratings/1981.htm. Retrieved 2010-01-09. 
  22. ^ a b "TV Ratings: 1982–1983". ClassicTVHits.com. http://www.classictvhits.com/tvratings/1982.htm. Retrieved 2010-01-09. 
  23. ^ Day, Dwayne A. "MASH/Medevac Helicopters." Centennial of Flight, April 18, 2008.

External links


Quotes

Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

Based on the 20th Century-Fox film M*A*S*H (an acronym for Mobile Army Surgical Hospital), a big hit of 1970 which was based in turn on the book of the same name, M*A*S*H was an American television series about a team of doctors and nurses stationed at a fictional U.S. Army hospital (unit number 4077) in Korea, during the Korean War in 1950-53. The series originally aired on CBS from September 17, 1972 to February 28, 1983 but can still be seen in syndication. The series spanned 251 episodes and lasted almost four times as long as the war which served as its setting.

Contents

Season 1 Season 2 Season 3 Season 4 Season 5 Season 6
M*A*S*H the Pilot Divided We Stand The General Flipped at Dawn Welcome to Korea Bug Out Fade Out, Fade In
To Market, To Market 5 O'Clock Charlie Rainbow Bridge Change of Command Margaret’s Engagement Fallen Idol
Requiem for a Lightweight Radar's Report Officer of the Day It Happened One Night Out of Sight Out of Mind Last Laugh
Chief Surgeon Who? For the Good of the Outfit Iron Guts Kelly The Late Captain Pierce Lt. Radar O’Reilly War of Nerves
The Moose Dr. Pierce and Mr. Hyde O.R. Hey, Doc The Nurses The Winchester Tapes
Yankee Doodle Doctor Kim Springtime The Bus The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan The Light That Failed
Bananas, Crackers and Nuts L.I.P. Check Up Dear Mildred Dear Sigmund In Love and War
Cowboy The Trial of Henry Blake Life With Father The Kids Mulcahy’s War Change Day
Henry, Please Come Home Dear Dad, Three Alcoholics Unaminous Quo Vadis, Captain Chandler? The Korean Surgeon Images
I Hate A Mystery The Sniper There Is Nothing Like a Nurse Dear Peggy Hawkeye Get Your Gun The M*A*S*H Olympics
Germ Warfare Carry On, Hawkeye Adam’s Ribs Of Moose and Men The Colonel’s Horse The Grim Reaper
Dear Dad The Incubator A Full Rich Day Soldier of the Month Exorcism Comrades in Arms (Part 1)
Edwina Deal Me Out Mad Dogs and Servicemen The Gun Hawk’s Nightmare Comrades in Arms (Part 2)
Love Story Hot Lips and Empty Arms Private Charles Lamb Mail Call Again The Most Unforgettable Characters The Merchant of Korea
Tuttle Officer’s Only Bombed The Price of Tomato Juice 38 Across The Smell of Music
The Ringbanger Henry In Love Bulletin Board Dear Ma Ping Pong Patent 4077
Sometimes You Hear the Bullet For Want of a Boot The Consultant Der Tag End Run Tea and Empathy
Dear Dad, Again Operation Noselift House Arrest Hawkeye Hanky Panky Your Hit Parade
The Longjohn Flap The Chosen People Aid Station Some 38th Parallels Hepatitis What’s Up, Doc?
The Army-Navy Game As You Were Love and Marriage The Novocaine Mutiny The General’s Practitioner Mail Call Three
Stickey Wicket Crisis Big Mac Smilin’ Jack Movie Tonight Temporary Duty
Major Fred C. Dobbs George Payday The More I See You Souvenirs Potter’s Retirement
Ceasefire Mail Call White Gold Deluge Post Op Dr. Winchester and Mr. Hyde
Showtime A Smattering of Intelligence Abyssinia, Henry The Interview Margaret’s Marriage Major Topper
Season 7 Season 8 Season 9 Season 10 Season 11
Commander Pierce Too Many Cooks The Best of Enemies That’s Show Biz Hey, Look Me Over
Peace On Us Are You Now, Margaret? Letters Identity Crisis Trick or Treatment
Lil Guerilla My Dreams Cementing Relationships Rumor at the Top Foreign Affairs
Our Finest Hour Goodbye, Radar (Part 1) Father’s Day Give ‘em Hell, Hawkeye The Joker is Wild
The Billfold Syndrome Goodbye, Radar (Part 2) Death Takes a Holiday Wheelers and Dealers Who Knew?
None Like It Hot Period of Adjustment A War For All Seasons Communication Breakdown Bombshells
They Call the Wind Korea Nurse Doctor Your Retention Please Snap Judgment (Part 1) Settling Debts
Major Ego Private Finance Tell it To the Marines Snappier Judgment (Part 2) The Moon is Not Blue
Baby, It’s Cold Outside Mr. and Mrs. Who? Taking the Fifth ’Twas the Day After Christmas Run for the Money
Point of View The Yalu Brick Road Operation Friendship Follies of the Living - Concerns of the Dead U.N., the Night and the Music
Dear Comrade Life Time No Sweat The Birthday Girls Strange Bedfellows
Out of Gas Dear Uncle Abdul Depressing News Blood and Guts Say No More
An Eye for a Tooth Captain Outrageous No Laughing Matter A Holy Mess Friends and Enemies
Dear Sis Stars and Stripes Oh, How We Danced The Tooth Shall Set You Free Give and Take
B.J. Papa San Yessir That’s Our Baby Bottoms Up Pressure Points As Time Goes By
Inga Bottle Fatigue The Red/White Blues Where There’s A Will, There’s A War Goodbye, Farewell and Amen
The Price Heal Thyself Bless You, Hawkeye Promotion Commotion
The Young and the Restless Old Soldiers Blood Brothers Heroes
Hot Lips is Back in Town Morale Victory The Foresight Saga Sons and Bowlers
C*A*V*E Lend a Hand The Life You Save Picture This
Rally Around the Flagg, Boys Goodbye, Cruel World That Darn Kid
Preventative Medicine Dreams
A Night at Rosie’s War Co-Respondent
Ain’t Love Grand Back Pay
The Party April Fools

Season 1

M*A*S*H the Pilot

Hawkeye: You know, we gotta do it someday... throw away all the guns and invite all the jokers from the north and the south to a cocktail party. Last man standing on his feet at the end wins the war.

Frank: [spotting Hawkeye browsing through his personal shelf] What are you doing there?!
Hawkeye: I just wanted to borrow your Bible, Frank.
Frank: Since when are you interested in the Bible?
Trapper: I peeked at the end, Frank. The Devil did it.

To Market, To Market

Henry: Radar, do you know what kind of wood this is?
Radar: Oak, sir?
Henry: Nope - it's oak.

Trapper: Hurry up, the truck will be here soon.
[Radar looks up as if he hears something and moves faster]
Hawkeye: I think we just passed soon!

Requiem for a Lightweight

Henry: Whatever it is, even if the answer is "yes," it's "no."

Radar: If he wanted to, he could be a platoon. [Trapper looks at Hawkeye.] And he's mean-looking, too. [makes a face to show what he looks like]

Chief Surgeon Who?

General Barker: What are you doing, Corporal?
Radar: Doing, sir?
Barker: D-O-I-N-G! What are you doing?
Radar: I'm listening to you spell "doing", sir.

[in shorts, T-shirt, and dressing gown]
Hawkeye: Would I do anything to disgrace this uniform?

The Moose

Hawkeye: I'm gonna do something about this--I'm going to Henry.
Spearchucker: Henry? Our Henry?
Trapper: I thought you said you were going to do something about this.

Trapper: [about the Swamp] Somebody sneaked in here and committed a neatness!

Yankee Doodle Doctor

Hawkeye: Three hours ago, this man was in a battle. Two hours ago, we operated on him. He's got a fifty-fifty chance. We win some, we lose some. That's what it's all about. No promises. No guaranteed survival. No "saints in surgical garb." Our willingness, our experience, our technique are not enough. Guns and bombs and anti-personnel mines have more power to take life than we have to preserve it. Not a very happy ending to a movie. But then again, no war is a movie.

[An army film unit is making a documentary at the camp.]
Frank: [Reading from the film script] "...from the strong, capable hands of a Yankee Doodle Doctor."
Trapper: [laughing] A Yankee Doodle --
Hawkeye: [singing] Stuck a feather in his nurse...
Hawkeye and Trapper: ...and called her macaroni!

Bananas, Crackers and Nuts

Hawkeye: I had a dream last night that I was asleep and I dreamed it while I was awake!

Henry: This is the army! No one can do the best they can!

Cowboy

Trapper: Does Henry have an enemy?
Hawkeye: Doesn't sound like the work of a friend. I think we better keep an eye on him.
Trapper: Now?
Hawkeye: He may not have a later.

Trapper: Come on, Frank! Outta the way!
Frank: You're not going anywhere in that, McIntyre. This jeep is the official property of the US Army in general and Col. Blake in particular and as such is to be used for the official duties thereof and nothing else.
Trapper: Frank, you're sucking around to become a hit and run case. Move!
Frank: Over my dead body.
Trapper: Great idea!

Henry, Please Come Home

Radar: They aren't gonna like this.
Frank: I didn't come here to be liked.
Radar: You certainly came to the right place.

Hawkeye: Do you mind if we swim through?

I Hate A Mystery

Henry: I assume you've all read my notice concerning the recent crime wave.
Hawkeye: I would've read it, but the notice was stolen.

Hawkeye: You know, I never hit a woman.
Burns: You lay one finger on Margaret...
Hawkeye: I was talking about you, Frank.

Germ Warfare

Frank: I'm only paranoid because everyone's against me!

Hawkeye: Ghouls? Thats a nice thing to call us vampires.

Dear Dad

PA Announcement: Attention, the following personnel have volunteered to go on a ten-mile fitness hike. [Silence]

PA Announcement: Due to the number of people bored last Sunday, next Sunday will be canceled.

Edwina

Hawkeye: Edwina, may I kiss you?
Edwina: Is your mouth insured?

Hawkeye: Did you want to say something, Henry, or were you just hoping for a free tonsillectomy?

Love Story

Radar: [referring to a book Hawkeye is holding] War AND Peace?
Trapper: Well, Tolstoy was very flexible. He went either way.

Anderson: I'll tell you how I feel about ol' Johann Sebastian.
Radar: Now that's highly significant.
Anderson: I haven't said anything yet.
Radar: That's OK. I have confidence in you, Lieutenant.

Tuttle

Radar: [referring to Henry, after Frank and Margaret have asked to see him] I'm afraid he's doing some very important sleeping for the army right now.

Trapper: [while Hawkeye is working on Tuttle's profile] You should write fiction.
Hawkeye: You should read my file.

The Ringbanger

Margaret: You're drunk!
Henry: [slurring] That's a dirty lie. And I intend to press charges. The minute I'm sober.

Henry: [drunk, holding a gun] Don't move, Korea, this is a stick-up.

Sometimes You Hear the Bullet

Henry: Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war. Rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is doctors can't change rule number one.

Hawkeye: Wendell, another word for "gooks" is "people."

Dear Dad, Again

Hawkeye: [thinking as he writes] I've never put much stock in ESP, but if it is possible for one person to read another person's mind, Radar has that ability. The little fink.
Radar: [walking past] Is that a nice thing to say?

Trapper: What a mess. Stomach, kidney, liver...
Hawkeye: What is that, an organ recital?

The Longjohn Flap

Hawkeye: [to Henry] We're here to report a pair of missing Longjohns.
Trapper: [also to Henry] Which we own and you are wearing.
Henry: Can you identify them?
Hawkeye: I've got a better idea. How about you identify them? [Trapper covers Henry's eyes] Without looking.
Henry: Well they're long...
Trapper: And they're johns... they must be his.

Frank: [to Klinger] The next time I see you, I wanna see a shine on those high heels!

The Army-Navy Game

Colonel Hersh: You got a stethoscope anyplace?
Hawkeye: WE'RE A MEDICAL UNIT!!!

Radar: [seeing Klinger in a suit] Don't I know your sister?

Sticky Wicket

[during a poker game in the Swamp]
Hawkeye: Can't you guys do that somewhere else?
Trapper: Why don't you do what you're doing somewhere else?
Hawkeye: I'm not doing anything!
Trapper: Well, you can do that anywhere, can't you?

Trapper: [during a poker game] My last hand was more like a foot.

Major Fred C. Dobbs

Frank: I'll write you every day--faithfully.
Margaret: You promise?
Frank: Just like I do my wife.

Henry: You know, Frank, as rough as it's been, I think I'll miss you.
Frank: Well it might not have come to this if you had had the backbone to maintain some discipline.
Henry: Well--so much for missing you.

Ceasefire

General Clayton: Henry, are you sitting down?
Henry: [stands up] No, sir.
Clayton: Maybe you better.
Henry: [sits down] Yes, sir.
Hawkeye: Is he giving you calisthetics over the phone?

Trapper: Call us if you need us.
Hawkeye: Yeah, but don't need us.

Showtime

Frank: Are you going over my head?
Hawkeye: No, just through the hole in it.

Henry: It's bad enough that she's having a baby and I can't be there with her!
Radar: Well at least you were there for the important part.

Season 2

Divided We Stand

Henry: There's nothing wrong with Klinger. I mean, he goes out with girls.
Captain Hildebrand: Must be stealing their clothes.

Hawkeye: [orders breakfast] I'll have two scrambled powdered eggs and a slice of World War II surplus bread, and don't make it tasty.

5 O'Clock Charlie

Hawkeye: You're out of uniform!
Nurse: Where?
Hawkeye: How about my tent in five minutes?

Frank: I think it ill behooves us—
Hawkeye: Behooves? What, are we in the cavalry now?

Radar's Report

Sidney: Sign this, soldier.
Klinger: What's it say?
Sidney: It says that I have examined you and found you to be a transvestite and a homosexual.
Klinger: I ain't any of those. Where do you get off calling me that?
Sidney: I think I got the idea from your cleavage.
Klinger: Listen, all I want is a Section 8. You know what you can do with this.
Sidney: Hey soldier. You forgot your purse.

Hawkeye: Great little war we have here.
Radar: I could do without it.

For The Good of the Outfit

Hawkeye: We've been getting double-talk in triplicate.

Frank: [After entering the Swamp] Pigpen. Brothel!
Hawkeye: Here, sir!
Trapper: Yo!

Dr. Pierce and Mr. Hyde

Henry: You were ordered to stand down!
Hawkeye: I did, but I fell up again.

Trapper: I guess he's just unstable. You see, he took this weird oath as a young man, never to just stand by and watch people die.

Kim

Hawkeye: [looking for maps of the minefield] Why aren't they under "M"?
Radar: Because they're under "B" for "boom."

Hawkeye: Looks like a pregnant bagpipe.
Trapper: Do bagpipes get pregnant?
Hawkeye: Sure they do, right after they make those funny sounds.

L.I.P.

Hawkeye: [seeing that his patient is a baby] Boy, did his Draft Board go crazy.

Hawkeye: [to Corporal Walker] Are you married?
Corporal Walker: Sort of.
Hawkeye: Sort of married? That's like being sort of a virgin.

The Trial of Henry Blake

General Mitchell: Who are you?
Margaret: Majors Burns and Houlihan, sir!
General Mitchell: Which is which?
Hawkeye: Doesn't matter, they're interchangeable.

[Klinger has gone hang-gliding in a housecoat and slippers]
Hawkeye: Did you see that?
Nurse: What?
Hawkeye: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
Trapper: Hawkeye, did you see that?
Hawkeye: What did you see?
Trapper: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.

Dear Dad, Three

Hawkeye: We've just heard that General Eisenhower's gonna run for president... what some guys won't do to get out of the army.

Radar: [during roll call] Major Frank Marion Burns.
Trapper: [snickers] Marion.
Hawkeye: His folks wanted a boy.

The Sniper

Hawkeye: Frank, do you know what a hero is? Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, he's somebody who's tired enough and cold enough and hungry enough not to give a damn. I don't give a damn.

Radar: [at show-end referring to sniper's thinking that he was firing on MacArthur's headquarters] Where do you think you're going to get a MacArthur to show him, for Pete's sake?
[Hawkeye and Trapper dress a sleeping Burns with cap, sunglasses, and corncob pipe]
Frank: [awakening] What's going on?
Hawkeye: You have returned.

Carry On, Hawkeye

Hawkeye: [talking to Radar in Henry's office] It's hard to believe I'm sitting in Henry Blake's chair. This is the chair in which a thousand indecisions have been launched.

Henry: [sick yet acting healthy] I'm in command again. I'm back on the bridge. [sits down and sinks to the floor]
Hawkeye: He went down with his desk.

The Incubator

Hawkeye: [regarding the requisition of the incubator being denied] We're not asking for a jukebox or a pizza oven.
Captain Sloan: Oh, those I can let you have.
Henry: No kidding! Hey, those would be great on movie nights. You got any pizza requisition forms?
Captain Sloan: Just use the standard S stroke 1798 and write in "Pizza" where it says "Machine Gun".

Hawkeye: You have a fever of 109 stroke 10, you can't have an incubator but you can have a pizza to go, unless of course you go first.

Deal Me Out

Hawkeye: [during a poker game] Sidney, what's the psychiatric basis for gambling?
Sidney: Sex.
Hawkeye: Why?
Sidney: I don't know, they told me to say it. Sex is why we gamble, sex is why we drink, sex is why we give birth.
Hawkeye: Thank you, doctor.
Sidney: I'm taking a five dollar chip. That was a house call.

Henry: Radar, whatever it is, sign it, cancel it, or order five more.

Hot Lips and Empty Arms

Margaret: [following Hawkeye's "toast"] I too have a toast. Here's to Captains Pierce and McIntyre. To their all-night binges. To their secret nurse ceremonies. To their planting of microphones in sleeping bags. To their childish switching of names on latrines. All of which goes into my special report to General Mitchell, which culminates in a detailed account of your Thanksgiving "Come As Your Favorite Nude Pilgrim" party.

[Pierce give Margaret a shot]
Margaret: Ow! What was that?
Hawkeye: Load of B1. Get you on your feet again.
Margaret: Oh... And I didn't get you anything...

Officers Only

Duk: [to Henry] Can I get you something, sir?
Henry: You bet--I'm dying for a banana daquiri.
Duk: Is that a drink?
Henry: Sure. You just take some bananas, some rum, and some cream, and you mix it all in a blender.
Duk: We got no bananas, no blender, and powdered cream.
Henry: Okay, I'll have a beer.

Hawkeye: We got you drunk your first time.
Trapper: Taught you how to drive the jeep.
Hawkeye: All on the same night.

Henry In Love

Henry: I can't believe it. I couldn't wait till she got here, and now I'm glad she's gone.
Trapper: It's for the best, Henry.
Hawkeye: Yeah. If you had sucked your gut in one more time, your belly button would have fallen out your backside.

[To his son, on the phone.]
Henry: I don't care if she did put an ice cube in your underwear! Girls will do that. You mustn't hit her with the dog! Now until I get back, you're the man of the house. Yes, I know Mommy thinks she is, but you really are!

For Want of a Boot

Margaret: They love you, Frank.
Frank: It was their hatred that fooled me.

Henry: I'd be lying if I said I understood that. I'd also be lying if I said I cared.

Operation Noselift

Henry: Don't tell me. I don't want to know about it. You guys have my full permission, and I never said that. I mean, I'm not even here, so how could I? Radar!
Radar: Sir?
Henry: Make an entry in the daily report that I wasn't here today, and bring it to me so I can sign it.
Radar: Uh, sir, if you sign it, it'll show you were here.
Henry: Then you sign it for me.
Radar: Yes, sir. Should I sign your name?
Henry: You'll have to, because I'm gonna say it was a forgery.

Hawkeye: [seeing available selections in "nose" catalogue] Gee, I never knew how hard it was to pick a nose.
Robbins: [pointing to one selection] This one paid for two Cadillacs.
Trapper: Now that's what you call "paying through the nose."
Robbins: The wit in this room flows like molasses.

The Chosen People

[After Hawkeye tries to say something in Korean]
Captain Pak: Give him a bicarbonate and tell him to stay off his feet.
Hawkeye: Isn't that "Your presence is welcome in our camp"?
Pak: No, it's "Your uncle has gas from eating cabbage."
[After Hawkeye says something else in Korean]
Pak: Sorry to hear that.
Hawkeye: What?
Pak: Your uncle with the gas is now pregnant.

Lieutenant Harper: Are you men doctors?
Hawkeye: Only when the moon is full.

As You Were

Trapper: [listening to Radar play the piano] Hey Radar, don't you know another song?
Hawkeye: He doesn't even know THAT one.

PA Announcement: Attention all personnel. Due to a lack of casualties, tonight's midnight movie will be shown at 9:00 AM. And midnight has been cancelled.

Crisis

Frank: [in Henry's office] What if the Minutemen in 1776 had stopped to worry about toilet paper?!
Hawkeye: So we would have had independence 10 minutes later.

Henry: According to Regimental, the fighting shifted to the north and we won't be getting any casualties.
Hawkeye: That's the same Regimental that said to Custer, "One last stand and then you can go home."

George

Frank: I found out something about someone that is very interesting--very interesting.
Trapper: Let us guess.
Hawkeye: Is this person a well-stacked U.S. Army major nurse who's bigger than the breadbox you're seeing on the side?
Frank: No... [realizes what Hawkeye said] ...no!

Frank: The man is not normal!
Hawkeye: What's normal, Frank?
Frank: Normal is everybody doing the same thing.
Trapper: What about individuality?
Frank: Well, individuality is fine--as long as we all do it together.

Mail Call

Klinger: [reading an alleged letter from home] "Dear Son--"
Henry: You obviously haven't sent her a recent picture.

Henry: [pulling out Klinger's file] Here we go. Father dying, right?
Klinger: Yes, sir.
Henry: [going through letters in Klinger's file] Father dying, last year. Mother dying, last year. Mother and father dying. Mother, father, and older sister dying. Mother dying and older sister pregnant. Older sister dying and mother pregnant. Younger sister pregnant and older sister dying. Here's an oldie but a goodie: half of the family dying, other half pregnant. [puts file down] Klinger, aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Klinger: Yes sir. I don't deserve to be in the Army.

A Smattering of Intelligence

Flagg: It all depends on HQ.
Henry: HQ.
Flagg: Why did you say HQ? Whoever told you about HQ?
Henry: Well, you told me, Colonel Flagg.
Flagg: Who's Colonel Flagg?

Pratt: [referring to Flagg] Another time, he crashed his Jeep into a wall and set himself on fire.
Hawkeye: Is this guy available for kids' parties?

Season 3

The General Flipped at Dawn

General Steele: War and whiskey don't mix! General Grant kept throwing up on his bugler.

General Steele: I predict an early end to this war, if it doesn't rain and we get all wet.

Rainbow Bridge

Hawkeye: Look, you're doing something really decent in the middle of a giant indecency. Don't endanger nine men because one idiot wants to do his General Custer impression.

Frank: When are you gonna learn about Chinese treachery? Didn't Pearl Harbor teach you anything?

Officer of the Day

Hawkeye: I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!

Hawkeye: I'm not sleeping, I'm inspecting the inside of my eyelids.

Iron Guts Kelly

Trapper [looking at the dead General Kelly]: He died with his boots on.
Hawkeye: And his socks off.

Colonel Wortman: That's not a teddy bear?
Radar: Uh, yes, sir. Regulations against having the real kind.

O.R.

Hawkeye: I just don’t know why they’re shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread. Transplant the American dream. Freedom. Achievement. Hyperacidity. Affluence. Flatulence. Technology. Tension. The inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back.

Sidney: Some patients insist on dying, Hawk. You knew that going in. But you had to be a doctor.
Hawkeye: I didn't have a choice, it's all ever I cared about, all I ever wanted to do. Sometimes I think I'd be more useful as a cocktail waitress.
Sidney: You haven't got the legs for it.

Springtime

Hawkeye (to dishevelled Radar at show-end): Radar, what happened?
Radar: I don't know. I think I've been slaked.

Margaret (to Klinger at beginning of wedding): You have your nerve wearing white.
Klinger: Jealous?

Check Up

Hawkeye: Let's make a pact about drinking.
Trapper: All right.
Hawkeye: Let's never stop.

Henry (about Radar's tattoo): Radar, getting one of those is very unsanitary.
Radar: Oh, I washed my hands first, sir.

Life With Father

Margaret: Maybe we should talk to her for a second.
Frank: That only puts another dollar in the bank of permissiveness.

Hawkeye: Who's yours from, Trap?
Trapper: My five-year-old. Or my wife has started writing in crayon.

Alcoholics Unaminous

Frank: Lemmings must be directed to the sea.

Hawkeye (to Trapper, walking into Mess Tent): Would you mind sucking in your shoulders?
Trapper: Pardon my build.

There Is Nothing Like a Nurse

Hawkeye (as Frank, in his wedding film, is about to cut the wedding cake): Watch the cake die of malpractice.

Henry: You know, Major, you and your nurses can be a real pain in the butt. If you're not in here every five minutes complaining about them, they're in here saying you're Hermann Goering in drag!
Margaret: Which one of them said that?!?!
Henry: I'm not finking, Major.

Adam's Ribs

Trapper (at show end as ribs are being served): Should we say grace?
Hawkeye: Praise the Lord, and pass the sauce.

PA Announcement: Due to conditions beyond our control, we regret to announce that lunch is now being served.

A Full Rich Day

Frank: Klinger, I want to see you out of that dress...tonight!
Klinger: Never on a first date, sir!

Frank: I don't care what Captain McIntyre said, I have never cared, and at this point I don't care twice as much as I never cared before!

Mad Dogs and Servicemen

Radar (about the dog): Just a mutt. I give it stuff from the kitchen...although I don't like being cruel to animals.

Frank: Anyone who needs psychiatry is sick in the head.

Private Charles Lamb

Henry (talking to Hawkeye and Trapper about a missing lamb): Do I know, Do I know anything? Everything in this country disappears but me. Boy, I'd like to wake up one morning, look down, and find myself gone.

Trapper: Henry's not here.
Hawkeye: Are you sure? Sometimes when he's here I get that feeling.

Bombed

Klinger: Colonel, if you can hear me, knock three times. If you can't, knock twice.
(Henry knocks twice)
Klinger: Good lord, he's dead.

Bulletin Board

Trapper: What's the announcement, Radar?
Radar: It's a lecture. Colonel Blake's gonna tell us everything he knows about sex.
Hawkeye: It should be an enjoyable 60 seconds.

Frank: Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.

The Consultant

Henry: Bring me back something.
Hawkeye: No chance. We're gonna be careful.

Frank: Colonel, you are not listening to me!
Henry: Uh, you'll have to speak a little louder, Frank. I'm not listening to you.

House Arrest

Hawkeye (referring to his prisoner of war package): Father, why?
Mulcahy: Oh, according to the Geneva Convention, each prisoner is entitled to this package. You have a razor, toothpaste, soap, six aspirin, a wash cloth, and four Oreo cookies.
Hawkeye: Father, that's for a prisoner of war. I'm one of ours.
Mulcahy: In the eyes of the Lord, a prisoner's a prisoner.
Hawkeye: Well, thanks. And in your prayers, thank the big fella for me.
Mulcahy: Oh, MacArthur had nothing to do with it.

Hawkeye (watching a movie): What; what'd I miss?
Henry: Cornel Wilde just kissed Gene Tierney.
Hawkeye: On the teeth?
Trapper: Right smack on.
Hawkeye: If he straightens out that overbite, I'll kill him.

Aid Station

Hawkeye (about breakfast): This looks familiar.
Trapper: I once cut that up in med school.

Klinger: What's this morning's breakfast?
Trapper: Last night's dinner.
Klinger: Great, that was yesterday's lunch.

Love and Marriage

(talking to Dr. Pak)
Hawkeye: Are you still doing those phony operations with the fake stitches?
Trapper: And using hair cream for penicillin?
Hawkeye: I examined one of your patients, Doctor. He still had pneumonia, but I must say, you cleared up his dandruff.

Hawkeye: You know sir, you just might go down in medical history.
Pak: How so?
Hawkeye: As the first Doctor ever to set two broken legs, and both of them his own.

Big Mac

Frank: As adjutant and assistant chief surgeon, I'd like to volunteer for that operation.
Margaret: How splendid, Major.
Henry: Very good, Frank.
Trapper: Lovely.
Hawkeye: Then it's settled. We'll do a hysterectomy on Major Burns.

Frank: I think the Colonel might like to know that Major Houlihan's father was under General MacArthur in the cavalry.
Hawkeye: Her father was a horse. Did you know that?
Trapper: Our engagement is off.

Payday

PA Announcement: Attention all personnel. Due to the incredible mediocrity of last night's movie, it will be shown again tonight at 2100 hours.

Henry: Boy, I wish I knew what was going on.
Radar: I'll tell you later, sir.
Henry: You always say that, Radar, but you never do.

White Gold

Flagg: My orders are to do whatever it takes to break up this penicillin ring, and I have written permission to die in the attempt!

Klinger (on guard duty): Halt! Who goes there?
Henry: Outta the way, Klinger.
Klinger: I've gotta have the password, Colonel.
Henry: Bullfeathers!
Klinger: That was LAST week's password.

Abyssinia, Henry

Henry: How'd you know my size?
Radar: (proudly) I traced you while you were asleep!

Radar: (walking very slowly into the OR, shortly after Blake's departure) I have a message: Lt. Col... Henry Blake's plane...was shot down... over the Sea of Japan. It spun in. There were no survivors. (He leaves, fighting tears)

Season 4

Welcome to Korea

Frank: Pierce, you need to sign in upon returning to the camp.
Hawkeye: Hello, honey, I'm home.

Hawkeye: There's no Jeep here, Radar, there's only a whole lot of here, here.

Change of Command

Radar (over the PA): Attention! By command of the new Commanding Officer, all officers report to the Commanding Officer's office, sirs!

Frank: Another week of command and I'd have had you out of that dress!
Klinger: I'm not that easy.

It Happened One Night

Hawkeye: Lie down and rest.
Klinger: I'd rather do it in my own bed.
Hawkeye: All right, go back to your tent.
Klinger: My bed in Toledo.

Jenkins: Halt, who goes there?
Radar: It's the Colonel.
Jenkins: Oh, sorry, go ahead, sir.
Potter: Don't you want to know the password?
Jenkins: I already know it, sir.

The Late Captain Pierce

Hawkeye They'll keep coming whether I'm here or not. Trapper went home, they're still coming. Henry got killed and they're still coming. Wherever they come from, they'll never run out.

Captain Prapp: Well, you are, doctor, I am afraid, what George Orwell referred to in 1984 as an "un-person." [chuckles]
Hawkeye: An "un-person"? Now I'm an un-person. Do you know that right now back in Maine my father, not realizing I'm undead, is at this moment mourning his "un-son."
Captain Prapp: Well, I don't know any other way out of it.
Hawkeye: Oh, you don't, huh? He just rattles around in that empty house, gives my things away to the Salvation Army and ages a couple of years for every day he thinks I've shaken off this khaki coil!

Hey, Doc

(Frank and Margaret are in Margaret's tent)
Hawkeye (from outside): Frank, are you in there?
Frank: They're trying to catch us at something.
Margaret: We're not DOING anything.
Frank: Oh, yeah. Who'd have thought?

The Bus

Frank (into walkie-talkie): Attention all Allied personnel: There are many stars out tonight, but we seem to be underneath the brightest one.
Hawkeye: Very good, Frank.
BJ: They'll start looking for us in Bethlehem.

Frank: I can plug an ace of hearts at fifty feet.
Hawkeye: I'll remember that if we're ever attacked by a bridge club.

Dear Mildred

Hawkeye: We have four rifles here and one of them is a reading lamp.

Radar (about Frank): I'm probably responsible for his leaving.
BJ: You should come here more often.

The Kids

Klinger (feeding a little girl): I hope you like this. Some of it was cooked before you were born.

Hawkeye: Bite your tongue, Margaret. Or better yet, let me do it.

Quo Vadis, Captain Chandler?

Flagg: You are very smart, Freedman.
Hawkeye: I told you.
Flagg: You're only saying Chandler flipped out so I will have you busted and you can return to your safe cozy civilian practice.
BJ: He's on to you, Sid.
Flagg: You're not smart, Freedman, you're dumb, very dumb! But you met your match in ME!

Sidney: Captain, is it true that God answers all prayers?
Chandler: Yes. Sometimes the answer is no.

Dear Peggy

(Hawkeye is teaching Koreans to speak English)
Hawkeye: I will get the nurse.
South Koreans (with limited English): I will get the nurse.
Hawkeye: Frank Burns eats worms.
South Koreans: Frank Burns eats worms.

(at show end)
Mulcahy: (talking about a patient): Is he going to be all right?
Hawkeye: Well, we could be bombed, there could be an avalanche, or Frank could operate on him again.
Frank: Twerp.
(Hawkeye turns and points to the South Koreans)
South Koreans: You tell him, Ferret Face.

Of Moose and Men

Colonel Spiker (about Hawkeye): No respect for the uniform.
Potter: Well, he's never in it anyway.

BJ: Sergeant, you can't drink this early in the morning. I know, I've tried.

Soldier of the Month

Frank (dictating his will): To Major Margaret Houlihan...my little soldier...I leave all my clothes.

Sergeant Zale: I know a lot of state capitals. I'll show you. Ask me the capital of Cleveland!

The Gun

PA Announcement: Attention all personnel. Attention. Tonight's movie is Kansas City Confidential. This will be of special interest to anyone who missed it when it was shown every night this month.

Radar: I'll be going to jail in my puberty and not coming out until my adultery.

Mail Call Again

Frank: Hello? Louise, it's me, Frank.
Radar (Whispering to Frank): Frank Burns.
Frank (To Louise): Frank Burns.

Radar (reading aloud what his mother is saying in her home movie): "I love you, Walter."
BJ: Gee Dad, talkies.
Mulcahy: Who's Walter?
Radar: Oh, that's my given name.
Hawkeye: Give it back.

The Price of Tomato Juice

Frank: Courage is just something you can't be afraid to have.

Potter: I've got a soft spot for Klinger. He looks a little like my son and he dresses a lot like my wife.

Dear Ma

Margaret: Make sure no one goes into my tent.
Radar: I wouldn't do that, Ma'am.
Margaret: SOMEBODY does.
Radar: Maybe it's rats.
Margaret: You think RATS have been trying on my undies?
Radar: Some of them rats are weird.

Klinger: My mother had those. Had a premonition about Pearl Harbor.
Radar: Did she tell anybody?
Klinger: She didn't have it 'til December 9th.

Der Tag

Frank Burns' Toe Tag: Emotionally exhausted and morally bankrupt.

Hawkeye

Hawkeye (speaking to a pregnant Korean woman): By the way, I'm a doctor and I can tell you for certain that you're pregnant. And we know what causes that nowadays too.

Hawkeye: Meat? Where'd you get meat? This is fantastic! Wait...where's the dog? (Sees the dog come in) This is fantastic!

Some 38th Parallels

Colonel Coner: Our losses were insignificant.
Hawkeye: How many kids in an insignificant?

Frank (after seeing the garbage dumped on the Colonel): I had dreams like this all through puberty!

The Novocaine Mutiny

BJ: Corporal Klinger's a corpsman. He's a good soldier. He'd prefer to be a good civilian, toward that end he dresses, uh--
Hawkeye: In dresses.
Colonel Carmichael: Bucking for a Section 8?
Potter: The man does his job; I'll give him that. I'm not saying I'd want an entire company of Klingers.
Hawkeye: Unless, of course Christian Dior attacks Pearl Harbor.

Frank: The way I see it, unless we each conform, unless we obey orders, unless we follow our leaders blindly, there is no possible way we can remain free.

Smilin' Jack

Corporal Owens: I don't want to go back to the fighting.
BJ: Sounds serious. You may be coming down with mental health.

BJ (about Hawk's chicken leg): Where'd you get that?
Hawkeye: The Petrified Forest.
BJ: ...They still open?

The More I See You

BJ: Minding my own business is a full-time job. In my spare time, it's my hobby. I can't divide myself emotionally. I couldn't break my word to Peg, and not because God will send me to Hell without an electric fan or because it's not the right thing to do. I simply don't want to.
Hawkeye: You've got a lot to learn about messing up your life.

Hawkeye: There's been no one since you. Faint copies at best.

Deluge

Hawkeye: Put out that cigarette, there's a lot of ether in there.
Sergeant: Hey, I'm a sergeant, fella!
Hawkeye: And I'm a captain, fella! Which means if we're blown up, I'll fly higher than you! So put it out!

The Interview

Hawkeye: A war is like when it rains in New York and everybody crowds into doorways, ya know? And they all get chummy together. Perfect strangers. The only difference, of course, is in a war it's also raining on the other side of the street, and the people who are chummy over there are trying to kill the people who are over here who are chums.

Klinger: If I had all the answers, I'd run for God.

Season 5

Bug Out

(A soldier loads the toilet seats into a truck)
Frank: If I get splinters, I'll have your stripes.
Soldier: I'm a private.
Frank: Don't pull rank on ME!

Hawkeye (hearing an explosion): Is today the Fourth of July?
Margaret: September.
Hawkeye: Just a wild hope.

Margaret's Engagement

Frank: I'm fine, Mom. Well actually, I'm not. You see, I had this friend. And this friend only pretended to like me. You know, the way Dad used to?

Frank: Yeah. I thought I'd hit the town with that new nurse.
Margaret: You mean the little red-headed one with the freckles on her nose?
Frank: Yeah, that one.
Margaret: Don't you think she's a bit young for you?
Frank: (smugly) Well, yeah. I just thought that a little youth would be nice for a change.

Out of Sight, Out of Mind

Frank: Pierce, you disgust me!
Hawkeye: That's right, Frank. I discussed you with everyone I know. They all think you're disgusting.

Radar [reading Hawkeye's letter]: "Take care, son. We are connecting the dogs."
Hawkeye: That's "counting the days."
Radar: "We are counting the days. All my love..." Major Burns.
Hawkeye: What?
Radar: Major Burns, coming this way.

Lt. Radar O'Reilly

Radar (talking about his promotion): It just come right outta the blue!
Hawkeye: Nah, the way you've been lifting that barge, toting that bale.
BJ: Not getting drunk and landing in jail.
Hawkeye: Had to happen.
BJ: It was in the cards.

The Nurses

Margaret: Did you ever once show me any friendship? Ever ask my help in a personal problem? Include me in one of your little bull sessions? Can you imagine how it feels to walk by this tent and... [gasps and breaks down] hear you laughing and know that I'm not welcome? Did you ever offer me a lousy cup of coffee?
Nurse: We didn't think you'd accept.
Margaret: Well, you were wrong.

The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan

Frank: Any mindless baboon can see she's not here, including me!

Klinger (as a Korean girl stares at his dress): This is what happens to you when you don't eat your vegetables.

Dear Sigmund

Frank: I happen to believe in the sanctity of marriage no matter how ugly or disgusting it gets. I'd kill her before I'd divorce her!

Sidney: Freud said that there is a link between anger and wit. Anger turned inwards is depression. Anger turned sideways is Hawkeye.

Mulcahy's War

BJ: Some guys shoot themselves in the foot to get sent back home.
Klinger: Not me. I'd ruin a perfectly good pair of nylons.

The Korean Surgeon

Hawkeye: Maybe they'd be interested in an exchange. We could keep Paik and give them Frank.

Klinger: If anything happens, bury me in the blue chiffon!

Hawkeye Get Your Gun

Potter: If Frank Burns makes any more patronizing cracks about my age, I'll take him behind the motor pool and let the air out of his tires.

(both drunk, under fire, in a foxhole)
Potter: Fire that weapon!
Hawkeye: Fire it? I don't even like looking at it!
Potter: I said fire that weapon!
Hawkeye: All right. [To the gun] You're fired! [To Potter] I did it as gently as I could.
Potter: That was an order, Pierce.
Hawkeye (Snapping his fingers): Oh waiter, would you take this man's order, please?

The Colonel's Horse

(talking about Frank)
BJ: Can't you do something?
Potter: Like sit him down and have a talk with him?
Hawkeye: No, like stand him up and have him shot.
Potter: Don't be absurd. There'd be an inquiry.

BJ (regarding Sophie's condition): Too much dry grass, not enough water; she's got colic.
Radar: Ooh, that's serious!
Hawkeye: Colic?
BJ: He says it could kill her. Her intestines are blocked; we need to keep her on her feet so they don't twist. And...we gotta clean her out. Lots and lots of warm water.
Hawkeye: ...I think I'll stroll on up to the front and see how the shooting's going.

Exorcism

Margaret: You all know what day this is. Friday the 13th.
Frank: She's right, and--nah, doesn't mean a thing.
Hawkeye: Don't say that, Frank. I once spent Friday the 13th in a haunted house with a friend. I was never more frightened in my life.
Potter: You see a ghost?
Hawkeye: No, her husband materialized out of nowhere.

BJ: My aunt once talked to the spirit of Sigmund Freud.
Frank: That's impossible!
BJ: Then how come he sent her a bill?

Hawk's Nightmare

Hawkeye: We're a bunch of pediatricians. Oh, except for you, Frank.
Frank: Oh? And what am I?
Hawkeye:Don't rush me, I'm still thinking about it.
Margaret: Clumsy oaf.
Hawkeye: No prompting from the studio audience.

(Klinger and Radar watch Sidney play a game of imaginary basketball with Hawkeye)
Klinger: Is it any wonder I can't get a Section Eight? In this unit, if you want to be crazy, you gotta stand in line.

The Most Unforgettable Characters

Klinger: Who put gasoline in my gasoline?

38 Across

Potter (after Mulcahy blessed the food): Thank God for ketchup.
Radar: He just did.

Potter: How can you see with those filthy glasses?
Radar: I know where everything is.

Ping Pong

[Klinger is playing horseshoes with Potter.]
Potter: I don't know how you do it, Klinger.
Klinger: Well, sir, I learned how to throw horseshoes in Toledo.
Potter: What's that got to do with it?
Klinger: We didn't throw them for fun. We threw them in self-defense!

Potter: We all know when the Good Lord passed out paranoia, Frank Burns got on line twice.
Hawkeye: Three times; and the third time, he denied ever being in line!

End Run

Hawkeye: I think I'm having an identity crisis. I know I'm Dr. Pierce, but I want to be God.
BJ: If you ever get the job, don't forget your old friends.

Klinger (to Zale): If my dog had your face, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards!

Hanky Panky

Hepatitis

BJ: You never exercise.
Hawkeye: I wrestle periodically with the nurses.

Potter: Listen, it's too big a world to be in competition with everybody. The only person I'm out to beat is who I am right now. And in your case, that's tough enough.

The General's Practitioner

Frank: So like you, Hunnicutt. Not a patriotic bone in your body.
Hawkeye: No wonder the man flunked anatomy, he thinks there are patriotic bones!

Movie Tonight

Klinger [singing]: Nobody knows the trouble I've seen...
Hawkeye: I know!
Klinger: Somebody knows the trouble I've seen...

BJ : Ah, the long dog days of work.
Hawkeye: I had a long dog once. It was a dachshund.
BJ: What happened to it?
Hawkeye: It mustered itself out.
BJ: Oh, how I relish these conversations.

Souvenirs

Potter: [Giving a speech about returning home in one piece] And remember, someone at home loves you. Don't ask me why.

Burns: I hope you catch that ugly creep who's been using my face!

Post Op

Potter: Sergeant, I've told everyone else, I'll tell you. The 4077th is out of blood! We're squeezin' turnips here! All my personnel have donated at least twice, and Dracula couldn't find a quick snack around these parts!

Moody: When I was a kid, I used to fight all the time when people put me down. I believed what they said about me. Not any more. I've been up on the line. I had the guts to go out there and drag 'em back to the aid station. No one's gonna get me again with any verbal abuse because I got something guys like that will never have - self-respect.

Margaret's Marriage

Klinger: In the words of my people, may your life be an oasis surrounded by waving palms, warm breezes, and spit-free camels.

BJ: Where you going, Frank?
Frank (Last Line): I don't know. Uh... Just felt like grabbing a cold shower.

Season 6

Fade Out, Fade In

Potter: What's the matter?
Klinger: Snapped my garter belt.
Potter: Don't expect a Purple Heart.

Charles: What is that odor?
Radar: Uh, north wind, cesspool, east wind, latrine.
Charles: The wind is from the south.
Radar: Oh, that's the kitchen.

Fallen Idol

Hawkeye: Look, you can't lay all that on my shoulders. Don't you know how much this place stinks? Don't you know what it's like to stand day after day in blood? In the blood of children? I hate this place. And if I can't stand up to it to your satisfaction, then... then the hell with it. How dare you? The hell with your Iowa naivete, and the hell with your hero worship and your teddy bear, and while you're at it, the hell with you! Why don't you grow up, for crying out loud? I'm not here for you to admire. I'm here to pull bodies out of a sausage grinder, if possible without going crazy. Period. (Radar begins to cry) Come on, cut it out. Stop it, will ya!? You ninny!

Radar: I don't think this place is turning out to be that great an experience for me. I mean I work under terrible pressure and everything and there's a lot of death and destruction and stuff but outside of that I don't think I'm really getting much out of it.

Last Laugh

BJ: He'll be walking back here in about an hour.
Hawkeye: He'll be WALKING back?
BJ: The only thing gassed up in that jeep was US!

Margaret (to Colonel Potter): When's the last time I came to you? I ask so little?
Hawkeye: And she gives so much.

War of Nerves

Sidney: When Pierce and Hunnicutt lose one, he's out of his misery. When I lose one, I've lost a mind.
Mulcahy: When I lose one, I've lost a soul.

Sidney (to Klinger): You're a tribute to man's endurance. A monument to hope in size 12 pumps. I hope you do get out someday. There would be a battalion of men in hoop skirts right behind you.

The Winchester Tapes

Hawkeye: You've got to have a pair of pajamas, look around. You had a pair when you got here.
BJ: I had a lot of things when I got here. Faith, hope, sanity, a liver.

Charles: I will put this as eloquently and succintly as possible...(tries to pours tea but a plastic chicken is in the pitcher) ...Get me the hell out of here!

The Light That Failed

Charles: I would operate in Braille if my fingers weren't frozen.
Hawkeye (imitating Charles' accent): Sorry Charles, we're all out of fur-lined rubber gloves.

Hawkeye: (gleefully, after BJ has ripped chapter 1 out of his book and given to Hawk to read) Heehee! Reading! This just might be better than sex!
Charles: Certainly takes longer around here.
BJ: How would you know?

In Love and War

Hawkeye: Je suis poulet a la poetry.
(Kyong Soon starts laughing)
Hawkeye: What?
Kyong Soon: What did you mean to say?
Hawkeye: That I'm pulled toward poetry. What did I say?
Kyong Soon (still laughing): You said you were a chicken!

Hawkeye: What does Kyong Soon mean?
Kyong Soon: It means bright and obedient. But my father used to tease me. I'm not very obedient.

Change Day

Sergeant Maxwell: If there's ever anything I can do for you, let me know.
Hawkeye: How about arresting this war for disturbing the peace?

Potter (seeing Klinger in a Class A uniform): Klinger, you're out of uniform!

Images

Sergeant (showing Hawkeye, BJ and Radar his tattoo): The Marine emblem, Semper Fidelis.
BJ: Latin for "always faithful".
Hawkeye: Well, I'd want to meet the girl first.

Radar (about his tattoo): It'll come off when I take a bath.
Hawkeye: My God, it is permanent.

The M*A*S*H Olympics

Potter: You're gonna eat your way to a discharge.
Klinger: I call it "food for freedom".
Potter: I call it "suicide by salami".

BJ: You? An athletic scholarship!?
Hawkeye: That's right, the coach's daughter paid me to leave her alone.

The Grim Reaper

Charles: Do you happen to have a quarter?
Hawkeye: All this for a quarter?
Charles: I have to pry off the cover.
BJ: 'Course, cover charge.

Margaret: Look out teeth, look out gums, look out liver, here she comes!
Charles: Civilization in Korea.

Comrades in Arms (Part 1)

Charles: Do you two realize that you are singing two entirely different operas and they're both out of tune?
Hawkeye: Don't blame me, I didn't write this stuff.

BJ: Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Hawkeye: What don't you do?
BJ: I'll think of something.

Comrades in Arms (Part 2)

Margaret: Continental breakfast.
Hawkeye: Continent of Atlantis.
Margaret: Huh?
Hawkeye: That's the one that sank.

Hawkeye (talking to Margaret about what to tell Donald about their brief affair): What do you usually tell him?

The Merchant of Korea

Hawkeye: Who does he think he is, The Merchant of Korea?
BJ: Stop crying, it's just a pound of flesh.
Hawkeye: A pound of flesh, my butt.
BJ: Wherever.
Hawkeye: What do you think the sentence is for firing an officer out of a Howitzer?
BJ: 190 years, if you're a first offender.

Potter: Whose bright idea was this, anyhow?
Hawkeye: Ask the five-card stud.
Klinger: Look at him! He doesn't sweat. I ain't seen someone who doesn't sweat before.
BJ: Sure you have, in the Reptile House.
Mulcahy: I think I'm gonna fold, while I still have a little left for the orphans.
Charles: Oh, Father, give them my, (starts to hand Mulcahy a blue poker chip, but switches to a red) give them my best.
Mulcahy: (pauses) Well, good night everyone.
Hawkeye: Good night, Mr. Chip.

The Smell of Music

Charles (after his French horn is run over): Colonel, what about my horn?
Potter: By all means, Winchester. Bring it along, we'd love to hear it.

Hawkeye: And from here in Ouijongbou, the sadistic sounds of Doc Winchester and his all-moose orchestra, who ask the musical question, why us!?

Patent 4077

Potter: How's the clamp working, son?
Hawkeye: Like a lioness holding her cub.

Potter: Well, official channels could take forever. I remember when I applied for permission to get married. By the time the papers came through, my son was divorced.

Tea and Empathy

Hawkeye: We have an old saying in America: Get out.

Klinger (after he rips his skirt): That was an original. Now they'll make copies and you'll see it all over Korea!

Your Hit Parade

Charles (trying to find a place to sleep in Potter's tent): I demand a space for my cot.
Hawkeye (picks up a small box): Hello, room service, send up a larger room.

Charles (while trying to sleep on his cot in Margaret's tent): Margaret, we are both adults.
Margaret: Yes, of the opposite sex!

What's Up, Doc?

Klinger: No, they got something better...me.
Tom: Huh?
Klinger: Take me instead of him, I've got your escape plan.
Tom: I got my own plan...chopper to Seoul, plane back to Ohio.
Klinger: I'm from Toledo, I know people there, I can make it easy for you.
Charles: Take him, he's got a plan, I would be lost in Ohio. Take him, please, please? I've never even been to Ohio, he was born and raised there! He's--
Tom: Okay, okay get out of here, anything's better than you!

BJ: I think the marines are the only ones with an art history division.

Mail Call Three

Klinger: When I leave the army, it'll be the honorable way...with a section 8!

Radar: Colonel! Colonel, it's Klinger, he's back!
Potter: Thank God he's back alive, I'm gonna kill him!

Temporary Duty

BJ (while exiting the Swamp): After you.
Charles: As it should be.

Potter (about Col. Wheatley): He's a real stickler for regulations, especially hair length.
Hawkeye: I'll pin my hair under my hat, (points to Bigelow) and you better cut those sideburns.

Potter's Retirement

Hawkeye (after Charles takes a swig of the liquid in his hair restorer bottle): Charles, you're drinking your hair!
Charles: Don't be ridiculous. This is twelve-year-old Scotch. You don't think I'd keep it in the original bottle with you petty larcenists around, do you?
Hawkeye: Eugggh!
BJ: What, what?
Hawkeye: I've been drinking from his Scotch bottle!

Potter (after the staff has sung him "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow"): Thank you folks, that was really lousy.
Charles: Well, what do you expect with very little talent and only five minutes' preparation?

Dr. Winchester and Mr. Hyde

Hawkeye: Winchester, the only people up in Korea at this hour are snipers and milkmen!

Klinger: I got KP coming up. I'll probably fall asleep on the pudding and die of a concussion.

Major Topper

Charles (after one-upping Hawkeye and B.J. with a photo of himself having dinner with Audrey Hepburn): When will you two cretins realize that your feeble imaginations cannot keep up with my real life?

Boots Miller: Boots Miller on the move here in Korea, where the men are rugged. You can see it in their voices.

Season 7

Commander Pierce

Margaret: Well, Doctor, as much as I hate to admit it, you ran that siege pretty well.
Hawkeye: We were great for half a staff. Damn that Hunnicutt, where is he? Technically, he's AWOL, you know. I could throw the book at him.
Margaret: I don't believe what I'm hearing! Since when did you join the army?
Hawkeye: Since it was left to me.
Margaret: If only Frank Burns could see you now! It's not so easy to play the clown when you have to run the circus, is it?

Klinger: Colonel, I missed you!
Potter: No.
Klinger: About my heart murmur, Sir...
Potter: No.
Klinger: My double vision is coming back.
Potter: No.
Klinger: I've fallen in love with a goat!
Potter: No.
Klinger: Glad to have you back, Sir.

Peace On Us

Charles: Must you always spout Scripture, Father?
Father Mulcahy: I'm afraid it's an occupational hazard.

Military Policeman: I'm looking for a Colonel Sherman Potter.
Father Mulcahy: He's over there: the one drinking with two hands.

Lil

Lil: Are you married, Margaret?
Margaret: I was, but he wasn't.

Hawkeye (trying to guess what "BJ" stands for): Belvedere Jehosaphat.
BJ: Got it! First try.

Our Finest Hour

BJ: When you see the kind of horror that we do, day in and day out, you don't just feel close. You cling to each other.

(after Clete Roberts asks Klinger what he'll remember about serving in Korea)
Klinger: All the good times, that's what I'll remember. I think there were three.

The Billfold Syndrome

Hawkeye: Sidney, what kept you?
Sidney: My jeep had a nervous breakdown.

Hawkeye: Don't you ever sleep?
Nielsen: Sleep, what's that?
Hawkeye: Close your eyes, put your head on your chest, and have nightmares about the war.
Nielsen: When you're a medic, you don't have to close your eyes.

None Like It Hot

Potter: That's one way out this man's army.
Klinger: I always thought of it as That Man's army.

Mulcahy: I have a good mind to baptize you both, in dirty water.

They Call the Wind Korea

(Nurse Bigelow comes into the Swamp)
Hawkeye: Beej, I'm ready to face the storm. Secure me to her!

Mulcahy: We've got a villager whose house collapsed around him and a young boy who chased his frightened livestock into a minefield.
Margaret: Dear God.
Mulcahy: He's been alerted.

Major Ego

BJ: Springtime in Korea, when the air is filled with pollen and bullets.

(BJ begins humming)
Hawkeye: You have just heard the ponderous words of Doctor Charles Emerson Supercillious, the only surgeon who can operate with one foot lodged in his mouth.

Baby, it's Cold Outside

Potter: You don't think this is the proverbial 'hell freezing over' do you, Father?
Mulcahy: Oh, no, no. I'm sure I'd have been informed if anything that big were on the agenda.

Potter: Pierce, before the Major tells me to tell you to shut up, shut up.

Point of View

(Private Rich wakes up and sees Hawkeye looking at his chart)
Hawkeye: Oh, you caught me. I was just eavesdropping on your condition. These charts come in handy, you know? Everybody ought to have one. Somebody asks how you're doing, you don't have to answer. Just show them your chart. So how are you doing?
(Private Rich touches the chart)
Hawkeye: Wise guy, huh?

Hawkeye: Klinger, you should know better. The Mess Tent is no place to bring a sick person!

Dear Comrade

Kwang: Why do you wear the uniform of a nurse?
Klinger: It's a disguise. I'm hiding from sanity.
Kwang: That's crazy.
Klinger: See? It's working!

Hawkeye: All my fleas are dead! [to Charles] MURDERER!

Out of Gas

Mulcahy: Just as the Lord said to Noah, "Everything in pairs."
Hawkeye: Of course the Lord was holding three aces at the time.

Radar: We're really up the river without a creek.

An Eye for a Tooth

Dear Sis

Margaret: How would you like to be married to a skunk, Father?
Mulcahy: My religion forbids it.

Hawkeye (about the man Father Mulcahy punched): He's got good footwork, but he's weak in the clinches. My money's on you for the rematch.

B.J. Papa San

Charles: Pierce, why must you always thwart my attempts to bring a little culture into this neolithic pup tent?
Hawkeye: Because I'm a music lover.

General Prescott: You look familiar, Colonel. Do I know you?
Potter: I don't think so, General.
Prescott: Were you in World War II?
Potter: Yes, sir.
Prescott: I knew you looked familiar!

Inga

Hawkeye: I am the essence of overconfidence. I am speculation, adventure, the spirit of pursuit, the stag howling for its winsome, yet anonymous mate. I am the love call of evolution, the perfume and color of the flowers as they offer their pollen to the gentle fuzz of the bees. I am sex itself, gentlemen. I am life, I am appetite!
BJ: And I'm not taking my clothes off till he leaves.

BJ: You assassinated his character?
Hawkeye: Yeah. I let him talk.

The Price

Margaret: Why was he in my shower?
Hawkeye: Isn't it obvious?
Mulcahy: Not for me.

Hawkeye: Does he understand English?
Radar: I'll find out. Do you speak English?
Patient: Yes.

The Young and the Restless

Simmons: I'm sorry for being so young.
BJ: That's all right, you'll grow out of it.

Potter: You'll want to be there for two reasons. One, this is going to teach us all a new heart procedure. And second, it would be a nice gesture to your commanding officer, who could make your life miserable if he wanted to.

Hot Lips is Back in Town

Lieutenant Nugent: Do you dance, Radar?
Radar: Uh, no. Football knee.
Nugent: Oh, you played football?
Radar: Not much, I had a bad knee.

PA Announcement: Attention all personnel. The Mess Tent is closed this afternoon for the medical staff meeting. Unfortunately, it will re-open for dinner at 1700 hours.

C*A*V*E

Hawkeye: With Klinger and Mulcahy's blood in him, this kid will wake up singing "Ave Maria" in Lebanese.

Klinger: I demand you send out a patrol to rescue my wardrobe.
Potter: Into the cave with the rest of the bats.

Rally Around the Flagg, Boys

Hawkeye: That guy would turn in his own mother for passing along a recipe.
Charles: You don't like the fellow, do you?
Hawkeye: No, I've never been too fond of a guy who would bring you a wounded prisoner and beg you to fix him up just so that he could take him out and shoot him.
Charles: That bad, hmmm?
Hawkeye: I don't see anything here. I think I'll go sing Carmen in the latrine. The echo'll kill him.

Potter: What is this idiocy about?
Flagg: Your spy ring.
Potter: Spy ring?
Flagg: Very clever, hiding under a house of cards while you plot the overthrow of the free world.
Hawkeye: He's got us, guys, we might as well confess. I'm Joe Stalin. Mao Tse-Tung, Marshall Tito, and, of course, you already know Lenin. What can I say, we couldn't get a room in the Kremlin.

Preventative Medicine

Potter: Sometimes when a man's anxious to stick out a glad hand, it's because he's got something up his sleeve.

BJ (to Hawkeye): You may have treated a symptom, but the disease lives merrily on.

A Night at Rosie's

Hawkeye: Has anyone explained to you the philosophy of Rosie Land?
Nurse: No, but someone wanted to use my underwear for a flag.
Hawkeye: Oh, that would be our Secretary of the Interior.

Mulcahy: This isn't one of my sermons. I expect you to listen!

Ain't Love Grand

Potter (about Klinger): Is he wearing a class A uniform?
Hawkeye: Let's see. Ugly color, forty years out of style, fits like a tent? Yeah that's a Class A all right.

Hawkeye: My body is so tired it's suing me for running a sweatshop.

The Party

Potter (upon hearing about Mrs. Potter dancing with Hawkeye's dad at the party): Pierce, if your father is anything like you, we're going to have a long, long talk about this.

B.J.:I can see us all sitting at a reunion ten years from now.
Hawkeye:Yeah, the war's been over for a month, we all have gray hair, Charles has his in a box.

Season 8

Too Many Cooks

Are You Now, Margaret?

Williamson: Do you always treat enemy soldiers?
Hawkeye: Of course not, only if they're sick.

Klinger (passing out copies of Stars & Stripes to the officers): Here; read this.
Hawkeye (reading): "Scandal Rocks Capitol Hill. Congressman Daniel Lurie-!"
Everyone else: *gasps of surprise*
Hawkeye (reading on): "-Caught in Washington Love Nest with Aide's Wife! 'My-my husband drove me to it,' sobbed a tearful-"
Everyone (reading together): "-L. Shirley Williamson!"
Hawkeye (reading on): "'I needed more than a man who's married to his work first and me second!'"
Margaret: Now wait, wait. That seems fair. He had the Congressman's ear, and she got everything else!

Guerilla My Dreams

(Klinger has just brought Charles a bottle of Napoleon brandy)
Charles: Ah...Napoleon. If you'd given more of this to Josephine...she might have stayed home nights.

B.J.: Oh none for me. It offends my palate, not to mention my co-palate.

Goodbye, Radar (Part 1)

(Col. Potter walks into the Swamp)
Potter: Either of you seen Radar?
Hawkeye: Last I saw him he was in the Officer's Club having a touch of the grape.
BJ: Why? What's wrong?
Potter: Plenty. I just got a wire from the boy's mother in Iowa. Radar's Uncle Ed passed away.
Hawkeye: Oy.
Potter: Yeah, oy.
Radar:And to top it all off, my Nehi is warm.

Goodbye, Radar (Part 2)

Potter: Listen, Radar, I guess you realize I'm kinda fond of you. Lord knows I've never met a soul I could depend on more, but above all that, you've been a damn good friend. Well, friend, it's time we said goodbye. Time you got on with your life. You've come as far as you can go here. You've earned your wings... now you've gotta fly.

Radar (his last line in M*A*S*H): I'm ready, let's go.

Period of Adjustment

BJ: Well, if it isn't Benjamin Franklin Hawkeye Pierce, named for a president, an Indian, and a stove.

Potter: So far you have performed your duties with the efficiency of a one-legged man at a BUTT-kicking contest!

Nurse Doctor

Mulcahy: I had to give a girl the brush-off!
Hawkeye: (stunned): Would you mind repeating that? I think the sun was in my ears.

Hawkeye: Well I don't blame her, Father, I think you're as cute as the dickens.

Private Finance

Mulcahy: You know, you'd make a fine priest.
Hawkeye: Ah, thanks Father, I don't think it would work out. Besides, the only Latin I know is Xavier Cugat.

Potter (to Hawkeye): This is the happy hour. Angry hour starts at ten!

Mr. and Mrs. Who?

Charles: On only one other occasion in my life did I even approach that level of inebriation.
Donna: When was that?
Charles: It was the night after I graduated from Harvard Medical School, I distinctly remember trying to swim the Charles River in cap and gown, reasoning that since it was named after me, it was my river.
Donna: Well of course. Did you get married then, too?
Charles: Nope. Got pneumonia!

BJ: Do you, Chuck Emerson Winchester III, take this lovely if gullible young woman as your un-lawful, un-wedded un-wife?
Charles: I undo.
BJ: And do you, Donna Marie Parker Winchester the Third, take this pickled amnesiac as your un-lawful, un-wedded, un-hubby?
Donna Marie: I undo, too.
BJ: Now with the power invested in me by the state of intoxication, I pronounce you man and woman. You may now ignore the bride.

The Yalu Brick Road

Rizzo: Hey, Father, can I make a confession?
Mulcahy: Certainly, Sergeant.
Rizzo: I murdered somebody...tomorrow.
Klinger: C'mon, I'm trying to help!
Rizzo: You wanna help? Die on your own.

(Hawkeye, BJ and "Ralph" are walking back to the 4077th because BJ crashed their jeep. They encounter a Korean man trapped underneath a hay wagon.)
Hawkeye: Allow me to introduce ourselves. That's Ralph, I'm Pierce, and this is Hunnicutt; you probably know each other from driving school.

Life Time

Hawkeye: We're 3 1/2 minutes over! Damn it!!
BJ: Maybe the hypothermia bought us some time.
Hawkeye: Yeah, on the other hand, maybe it didn't.
BJ: Hawk, we saved his life.
Hawkeye: Yeah, well I guess that's something.
BJ: It's more than something, it's everything.

(The patient is wiggling his toes, proving he's not paralyzed. Hawkeye, BJ, and Margaret jump for joy. A blood-drained Charles rests nearby)
Margaret: WE DID IT! WE DID IT! Do you know what we DID?!
BJ: We made a man who's part George and part Harold!
Charles: And part Winchester.
Hawkeye: That's right! When he wakes up, he won't know whether to be brave, generous, or pompous!

Dear Uncle Abdul

Klinger: Holy Toledo! Either that bird hit a landmine, or you just shot down a kamikaze pigeon!

[Hawkeye and BJ ask Klinger who he thinks is the funniest guy in the camp.]
Klinger: It's no contest: neither one of you. You guys don't even make the first cut. I'm trying to tell my uncle what kind of a place I work in: doctors, nurses saving lives. Well, I got a commanding officer who dresses me up in his clothes and sits me on a horse named Sophie so he can paint his own picture. There's a priest writing war ditties, and a snooty Major who pays me twenty bucks to follow him out in the woods and watch him blow up a pigeon with a landmine. And if that doesn't do it for ya, I got a head nurse who shoots unarmed luggage. All you two guys do is walk around all day telling jokes. What the hell's so funny about that? [returns to writing his letter.] Ya see, Unc? It's no wonder I never got a Section Eight; there's nothing special about me. Everybody here is crazy.

Captains Outrageous

Potter (about a General): The man graduated 312th out of 320 and he says he's gonna do his best.

Mulcahy (after finally receiving his captain's bars): This experience has taught me a valuable lesson. The meek may inherit the earth but it's the grumpy who gets promoted!

Stars and Stripes

Margaret: I'm just as much a major as any other major. You'll notice these leaves come in gold, not pink for girls and blue for boys.

Hawkeye (to Margaret): Maybe you and I are just too choosy. We're both looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world.

Yessir, That's Our Baby

Charles: I've talked to everyone in the camp - which, by the way, is a first for me - and no one saw or heard a thing. A fact confirmed by our ever-vigilant sentries and their seeing-eye dogs.

(after it is suggested that he fathered a baby in Korea)
B.J.: You're lucky we're doctors 'cause I'm gonna break every bone in your body.

Bottle Fatigue

Charles: Well, how would you feel if your sister were marrying a swarthy dark-haired olive picker?
Klinger: She did. And for your information, Major, so did my mother and my grandmother, not to mention the future Mrs. Max Klinger, whoever she is. (Klinger storms out of the office)
Charles: Did I say something to offend him?

Charles: I am in the direst of straits.
Potter(still not really awake): Straight, my full house beats that.

Heal Thyself

Klinger: (afraid of catching mumps): If you get 'em as a kid, you don't get 'em as an adult. But if you get 'em as an adult, you don't get kids. Take this, you home wreckers! (Klinger goes back to spraying the office)

(looking at Potter's painting)
Charles: That is either a horse or the RCA building.
Potter: It's a horse. I'm about to paint his back end; fortunately, I have a live-in model!
Charles: Aha! If only your talent matched your callousness!

Old Soldiers

Potter: It's a tragedy people have to eat horses, they're beautiful animals. You ever take a peek at a cow or a pig? They're ugly. We're doing them a favor by eating 'em . Saves 'em the agony of looking at their reflections in the trough every morning. But a horse, that's a noble beast. Why, in the cavalry, a man's steed was his best friend, a real companion. Where do people get off making pork chops out of them? Too much killing in this world, too much death. No respect for people, for tradition, for life. The whole world is spinning down the tubes and nobody even seems to notice. I don't know, I...(breaking off due to the looks of the others)

(in the lab preparing tetanus shots for the Korean children)
Hawkeye: OK, ten shots, one every two hours.
Charles: Ah, a mere twenty hours 'til we are released from the munchkin horde.
BJ: Charles, have you been hoarding munchkins again?

Morale Victory

Potter: You two baboons spoiled a swell movie!
Hawkeye: No, we didn't! It's been here so long, it's spoiled by itself.
Everyone: Yeah!
BJ: I've seen better film forming in my soup.
Potter: Yeah? Well I happen to think this is a fine piece of celluloid. As a matter of fact, it's mine and Mildred's favorite. Mildred loves Charles Boyer. This is a war, you know! Be grateful that we got a talkie!
Hawkeye: We are, but don't you think we deserve a little decent entertainment?! God knows everything else around here stinks!

Potter (sarcastically): Evening Captains Heckle and Jekyll, I would have been here sooner but I stopped to watch the dancing in the streets.

Lend a Hand

(discussing a surprise birthday party for Hawkeye in the Swamp)
Charles: What about we do something civilized?
Klinger: Like what?
Charles: Like sipping sherry while musicians play a string trio by Franz Josef Haydn. Or perhaps, someone with a trained voice could read selections from Edna St. Vincent Millay.
Margaret: This is for Pierce?
BJ: Oh he'd love it once we got him tied to the chair.
Klinger: That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. I don't wanna be entertained by somebody with three names unless it's Gypsy Rose Lee.

Klinger: Wait! Put away your thinking caps, I got it. Imagine if you will the world's biggest salami.
Charles: We don't have to imagine it, Klinger, we're looking at it.

Goodbye, Cruel World

Hawkeye: I think our job might be a little easier than yours, Sidney. At least we can always see where they're bleeding.

Potter: Now why the devil would I scribble my John Hancock 47 times?
Klinger: Ah, you were sleepwalking sir. I didn't want to wake you. I thought it might be dangerous.
Potter: Probably would've been. Thanks for clearing that up for me Corporal. By the way...you put too much swoop on the T.

Dreams

Potter: Have yourself a nice long rest and be back here in twelve minutes.

(Falling asleep, after Garvey has refused to send him any ambulances)
Potter: I'm too old for this. I've got children telling me I can't play with their toys.

War Co-Respondent

Back Pay

Potter: Okey-dokey?
Charles: Colonel, I...
Potter: Say "okey-dokey," Major.
Charles: Okey...dokey.

Charles (addressing three Korean doctors): Now, my diminutive voyeurs, this is the patient, without whom medicine would be just theory. This is the patient's chest; or in more scientific parlance, the front of the back. If there is no bellybutton in the immediate vicinity, you've committed a rather serious faux pas.

April Fools

(Father Mulcahy comes into the company clerk's office wearing a dress)
Mulcahy: Sir, I must protest the rash of mindless pranks being perpetrated around here!
Potter: Well, good morning Padre, or should I say, Padress.
Mulcahy: Colonel, there's no humor in this. While I was showering, someone stole my robe and left me this.... this.... housefrock!
Klinger: Better not take it off, Father. You'll be a defrocked priest!
Mulcahy: Klinger, how would you like the last rites? And a few lefts?

Rizzo: The Army is a breeze, once you get the hang of the Luther Rizzo secret of military success.
Klinger: What is it?
Rizzo: Never smile.
Klinger: Huh?
Rizzo: The Army hates to see a man grin. Makes them think they've failed somehow. But moan and groan and carry on, they'll leave you to your lonesome; long as they know you're miserable, they're happy.

Season 9

The Best of Enemies

Potter: That's bribery!
Charles: No! That is the American way. Survival of the richest!

Potter (after Margaret tells Charles that Potter order her to play with him): Confucius say: "A bird on the collar beats your fifty dollar."

Letters

Hawkeye (passing out letters): Here's one in crayon, must be for Charles.
Charles: I have no need to write letters to communicate with children. I have you for that, Pierce.
Hawkeye: That is an insult and you'll answer for it at recess.

BJ (reading from a letter): "Dear Doctors, You live a great life, I am jealous of you."
Charles: Je- He what?! Jealous.
BJ (still reading): "You guys get to camp out every night, eat real Army food, boy you're lucky."
Charles: I... just... Give me that! (takes the letter) Get to camp out, eh? (writing) "My dear diminutive correspondent, Your misinformation is exceeded only by your ahhh-trocious grammar.
BJ: Leave it to Charles to be the world's first poison pen pal.

Cementing Relationships

Klinger: Hey, how come you got the easy job while we had to bust our buns?
Charles: Very well, Klinger. How do you spell "caution"?
Klinger: C-A-W...
Charles: I rest my case. When I have this sign finished, I'll hang one on this door, then I have to walk all the way around and put one on the other door
Klinger: K-A-W...?
Hawkeye: Now you've got it.

Charles: My good man, I have better things to do than stand around listening to someone make no sense in two languages.

Father's Day

BJ: We can throw a surprise party in the mess tent. That's the last place anybody would expect to find food.

Col. Potter: You know, I never got the chance to tell you how much Margaret means to us. We couldn't run this place without her.
Al Houlihan: Well, that gal is the best thing that ever happened to me.
Col. Potter: Is that so? Well, you sure have a funny way of showing it.
Al Houlihan: I beg your pardon?
Col. Potter: Margaret's busted her britches trying to please you, but you don't seem to give a tinker's damn!
Al Houlihan: Forgive me, Colonel, but what business is that of yours?
Col. Potter: It is my business because I care about her. That gal seems to think you have no use for her.
Al Houlihan: Well, I flew halfway around the world to see her, didn't I? That should say it all.
Col. Potter: It doesn't say enough when all you can do is find fault.
Al Houlihan: What do you mean by that?
Col. Potter: Well, for openers, walking out on her in the middle of O.R. didn't exactly boost her morale.
Al Houlihan: That had nothing to do with Margaret!
Col. Potter: Really? Then what did it have to do with? Was it the doctors' tomfoolery? Was it the blood? Let me tell you something, Alvin. I've seen tougher birds than you who couldn't take it!
Al Houlihan: It shouldn't be happening to me.
Col. Potter: You mean, you'd sooner let her think she was a failure than admit you were about to lose your lunch? You'd rather crush her feelings than let on you're human like the rest of us?
Al Houlihan: Colonel...
Col. Potter: You're so busy being 'Howitzer Al' Houlihan you can't even let your own daughter know you love her?
Al Houlihan: Colonel, you raise your family and I'll raise mine.

Death Takes a Holiday

Charles: (after a Korean foster father confesses to selling Charles' gifts on the black market to buy food for his children) No, it is I who should apologize. It is sadly inappropriate to give dessert to a child who has had no meal.

Margaret: It never fails to astonish me. You're alive, you're dead. No drums, no flashing lights, no fanfare. You're just dead.

A War For All Seasons

Charles: Oh yes. In the springtime a young dolt's fancy turns to baseball where one can sit and munch red hots and crackerjacks and watch eighteen hillbillies in knickers run around in circles and spit tobacco chaws on one another.

(after Charles expresses interest in backing Klinger financially in baseball wagers)
Hawkeye (laughing): Charles. You want to get part of this? You, the man who asked how many carats there are in a baseball diamond?

Your Retention Please

Potter: OK, I got something to tell you and I don't want to hear so much as a titter, a snicker, or a guffaw, from anyone.
Hawkeye: You hear that, Charles?
Potter: The subject of this meeting is... the Army. (pause) So far so good. I have been directed to address you on the possibility of making the Army your career.
(Hawkeye, Charles, and BJ begin laughing)
Hawkeye: I'm sorry; if I held that in, my teeth would have exploded.

Klinger: Now the army is my best friend... I may get shot in the stomach... but I won't get stabbed in the back.

Tell it To the Marines

Hawkeye: And then this harebrained colonel, whose crew cut I could HEAR, had the nerve to hang up on me. Well, that's when I REALLY told him off.

Hawkeye: Klinger, come with me.
Charles: Klinger, you will do no such thing.
Hawkeye: I am trying to help that Marine and I need Klinger.
Charles: Oh, very well, you may have him. Have him back in an hour, though.
Klinger: My God, I've been traded.
Hawkeye: Thanks for the lovely peasant.

Taking the Fifth

BJ: Hawk, I never thought I'd use this word in a negative manner, but you're depraved.
Hawkeye: Well what do you expect? I come from the land of the free and the home of depraved.
BJ: No self-respecting nurse is going to have anything to do with that [ad].
Hawkeye: That's what I'm counting on.

(Charles is in the shower)
Klinger: So O Great Girth One, do you still want that valuable wine?
Charles: Do I still have a palate?
Klinger: I don't know and I'm not about to peek. I can get you five bottles, it'll run you forty per.
Charles: For--! My last offer was thirty.
Klinger: Consider it a cost of dying increase
Charles: I smell the distinct odor of profiteering.
Klinger: Try a little more soap.

Operation Friendship

Hawkeye: Charles is fine, but Klinger has damage to over fifty percent of his body; he broke his nose.

(discussing Dr. Traeger)
Hawkeye: Do you believe this guy?
BJ: If you're that obnoxious, you better be good.
Hawkeye: And, damn it, he is, but he's still a jackass.
BJ (laughing): I know what I should've done.
Hawkeye: What?
BJ: Could've really showed him.
Hawkeye: What? What?
BJ: Should've died, right there on the table.
Hawkeye: Wouldn't we have had the last laugh?
BJ: Well, you would.
Hawkeye: Well, yeah.

No Sweat

Hawkeye: His gut looks like a jigsaw puzzle and I think a couple of the pieces are missing.

Charles: Carbon paper in the safe, what brilliant foresight. In only two million years, it will turn into diamonds.
Klinger: Facetious, but erroneous.

Depressing News

Hawkeye: Margaret, how many times do I have to tell you there are no communists under these beds.
BJ: Of course not, they're in the Lenin closet.

Klinger: Surely Madame knows of my sincere sincerity? To me the words Houlihan and hubba hubba have always been synonymous. You are a vision of great loveliness even dripping as you are.
Margaret: If there's a point to this, get to it.
Klinger: I've unanimously chosen you to be the beauty editor of my paper.
Margaret: Your paper what?
Klinger: Paper news. "M*A*S*H Notes." Read it at your leisure and imagine how much better it would be with your very own beauty column: "About Faces."
Margaret: That's cute.

No Laughing Matter

Charles: Colonel, what's the point in bearing a grudge?
Potter: Glad to see you using some common sense.
Charles: What possible benefit could I derive from becoming angry over the impending arrival of the cretin that banished me to this flea hatchery?
Potter: You are using common sense, aren't you?
Charles: Just because I was forced to surrender the delights of Tokyo, where I could indulge in kabuki, and octopus.
Potter: Winchester, you're letting that goat of yours get got again.
Charles: Have you ever savored the epicurean delight of fresh octopus?
Potter: I don't care for any food that hangs onto the plate when you pick it up.

Potter: Major, you were kind, courteous, and every bit the gentlemen. What do you have up your sleeve?

Oh, How We Danced

Charles (dictating his will into his tape recorder): The morning air is crisp and still. In mere moments, I embark on a military mission which may mark my final hours on this planet. Therefore I leave you with these few parting thoughts. To my dear father, I grant you power of attorney, for the disposition of all my real estate. To my devoted mother, I bestow upon you my proxy with the single proviso that it never be used to vote for Cousin Alfred. To my gentle sister Honoria, I bequeath my butterfly collection. I know you probably don't want it, but Cousin Alfred does. Farewell Cape Cod, farewell Harvard Yard, farewell baked scrod.
(BJ and Hawkeye enter the tent applauding)
BJ: Bravo, bravo.
Charles: Anthropoid boors.
BJ: What a touching farewell to Cod, Yard, and scrod.

B.J.: We didn't know if you were late, Charles, or the late Charles. We thought maybe you'd been shot, and we were trying to figure out which side did it.
Charles: Hunnicutt, go hurt yourself.

Bottoms Up

Charles (addressing the mess tent): Ladies and gentlemen, we must all have compassion for the wretched harlequin with his compulsive need to amuse; so I say to you, do not condemn the pathetic clown but rather, pity him.
Everyone (applauding): Yeah!

Klinger (looking for pants for Charles): Let's see, about a 42 extra pompous.

The Red/White Blues

Margaret: All right, now I need the post-op patient status report for April 11.
Charles: Well, I haven't the foggiest idea where that would be.
Margaret: Well, look under P.
Charles: Post-op under P? That is the one place I know it won't be. We must not labor under the delusion that these were filed by another homo sapien; the last ones I found were under G, for "Getting Better."
Margaret: Just what do you suggest we do?
Charles: Burn the damn place down and take a tax loss.

BJ: We discovered a new medical procedure. Take no pills and call me in the morning.

Bless You, Hawkeye

Hawkeye: Maybe I'm allergic to Charles; stuffiness makes me sneeze.

Charles: Arsenic will solve your problems, Pierce. I know it will solve mine.

Blood Brothers

Mulcahy: I wish you'd given me this two-day notice a couple of weeks ago.

Mulcahy: Look at this place, it's a den of iniquity.
Charles: Ah, don't think of it as a den, Father, think of it more as a rec room.

The Foresight Saga

Klinger: (After breaking Potter's glasses) We just shared a moment of great warmth. I think a murder right now would really spoil the mood.

Mulcahy: What time is it in Iowa?
Charles: 1882.

The Life You Save

Soldier: Am I all right? I can't feel anything in my legs.
Charles: Try to hang on. We're going to get you to a MASH unit and they'll patch you up just fine.
Soldier: I don't know if I can, Doc. I feel real weird.
Charles: Just stay with it.
Soldier: Doc?
Charles: Hm?
Soldier: You still there?
Charles: Sure.
Soldier: I can't see you, hold my hand.
Charles: I am holding it.
Soldier: I can't feel it. Oh God, I'm gonna die.
Charles: Can you hear me?
Soldier: Yes.
Charles (crying): What is happening to you? Can you feel anything? See anything? Please, I have to know. What is happening to you?
Soldier: I smell bread.
Charles: I don't understand.
(soldier dies)

Season 10

That's Show Biz

Margaret: How do you manage to keep it [hair] so beautiful?
Brandy Doyle: Oh, simple...I give it the night off. (takes off her wig)

Charles: No offense, Miss Carlyle, but I've always been of the opinion that squeezing is a technique best suited to making orange juice, not music.

Identity Crisis

Mulcahy: My Hebrew is a little rusty, but it gets the point across.

Colonel Potter: I don’t care how poor a man is; if he has family, he’s rich.

Rumor at the Top

Klinger: Well, as my Uncle Amos used to say, "Those who can't, manage those who can." One of his employees made that up for him.

Mulcahy: I'd have to confess to myself, and I can be very harsh.

Give 'em Hell, Hawkeye

Hawkeye (writing a letter to President Truman): If you end this fiasco right now, I pledge to purchase all your daughter's inimitable records. Don't bother to deliver them. I'd love to pick them up on my way home.

(wounded soldiers are being brought into camp)
PA Announcer: Attention all personnel! Quit your dreaming, it's time for the nightmare!

Wheelers and Dealers

Potter: Grandma Mavis has a saying for everything. No wonder Grandpa Wilmer stomped on his hearing aid.

Rizzo: Now you gentlemens are new to the Army, or in other words, dumb. When you leave here, you will know this jeep like it was a kissin' cousin, and you will know the rules of the road so good that when you're dead, you will still qualify for a license.

Communication Breakdown

Charles (over the PA): Attention all vermin - that's giving you the benefit of the doubt - I have just discovered the untimely disappearance of my May 5 issue of The Boston Globe which has obviously been pilfered by some member of the pernicious race of lowlife which infests this pigmire. Furthermore, I consider no one in this camp above suspicion with the possible exception of that 80% of you who are incapable of reading the English language. Thus, I retract my previous magnanimous offer and none of you cretins will lay one slimy paw on any of my papers until the missing issue is returned! Thank you.

(to Charles as everyone leaves the mess tent after Charles enters)
Margaret: Help yourself to some breakfast before us lowlifes steal it all.
Mulcahy: Hell hath no fury like pernicious vermin scorned.
BJ: Charles, you just put a whole shoe store in your mouth.
Potter: Winchester, just a hunch: Will Rogers never met you, did he?

Snap Judgment (Part 1)

Klinger: Rosie, I need a favor.
Rosie: Five dollars.
Klinger: I just wanna talk.
Rosie: OK, three dollars.

Charles: In order to have a criminal mentality, one must first have a mentality.

Snappier Judgment (Part 2)

Charles: Charles Emerson Winchester, defender of the downtrodden.
Hawkeye: You do all the trodding, that's how they got down.

Hawkeye (about Charles): He's the only American who landed in Inchon with traveler's checks.

'Twas the Day After Christmas

Sergeant Pernelli: Last call for my mouthwatering turkey.
Charles: The bird that gave its life so that others might be ill.

Charles: A Winchester only recognizes one 5:30 per day. This is not it.

Follies of the Living - Concerns of the Dead

Klinger (talking to a post): Colonel Potter, I'd like to help in triage, sir. I'm a little shaky, but while I have any strength at all, I'd like to pitch in. (referring to a dog) OK! let's get this patient into pre-op! Hubba-hubba! Orderly!

(BJ, Charles, and Hawkeye drinking in the Swamp)
Hawkeye: All right, what else do we love?
BJ: You love dirt?
Hawkeye: Dirt is my life.
BJ: All right. To dirt.
Hawkeye: And to the Army that lets us eat it, drink it, breathe it, and salute it.

The Birthday Girls

BJ: Do you know how to make a cow say "ah"?
Hawkeye: Not without getting emotionally involved.

Potter: Sorry to break up this pow-wow, boys, but Bossie says it's time to call the cab.
Hawkeye: You get her up on the table and I'll hold her hand.
BJ: Does anyone know where I can find a cigar that says, "It's a heifer"?
Potter: You coming, Winchester? I bet a city fella like you hasn't had a chance to see this before.
Charles: I've also never had the opportunity to swim in a barrel of live squid.

Blood and Guts

Potter: Yes, I know I didn't sign the morning reports.
Klinger: Sir, it would be easier to remember to sign the reports instead of remembering you didn't sign them.
Potter: I'll remember that.

Potter: I'll bet you'd love a good breakfast.
Clayton Kibbee: I sure would, but I'll settle for what you folks eat.

A Holy Mess

Hawkeye: Eggs? In Korea? Impossible, Korean chickens only lay powder.

BJ: You know how I like mine? Fried up, so the yolk is a glowing yellow jewel in a shimmering alabaster white.
Hawkeye: You'd better have your eggs with a cold shower.

The Tooth Shall Set You Free

(Charles moans of a toothache)
Hawkeye: Beej, don't forget, in the morning it's your turn to milk Charles.

Charles (to Korean, about toothache): What does this cure?
Korean: Hunger. That's my dinner.

Pressure Points

PA Announcement: Attention! The Chinese have begun a new offensive. Command anticipate heavy casualties within the next twenty-four hours. This is a recording.

Sidney: Major.
Charles: Hiya.
Sidney: First time I've seen you in your summer uniform.
Charles: This is the real me.
Sidney: Sorry to hear that.

Where There's A Will, There's A War

Potter (during a long OR session): I was transferred here seven days ago; seems like I've been operating for eight.

(BJ shouts for joy)
Potter: Watch the racket, Hunnicutt. This hospital is in a hospital zone.
BJ: Hawkeye Pierce is alive and well and living at battalion aid.
Potter: How do you know that?
BJ: He left his fingerprints are all over this guy.
Klinger: What are you talking about?
BJ: Who else but Hawkeye sews vertical mattress stitches with white cotton sutures?

Promotion Commotion

Charles: Ah, even in the sewer the cream rises to the top.

BJ: You're the one who wanted to turn a guy down because he had a Z in his name.

Heroes

Reporter: EEG?
Hawkeye: Yeah, electroencephalogram.
Reporter: How do you spell that?
Hawkeye: I personally spell it EEG.

Klinger (seeing that the press has taken over his office): Speaking of drawers and sheets, I was hoping to strip down to one and slip between the other.

Sons and Bowlers

Hawkeye: Charles, one of the things I've always liked about our relationship is we never let sympathy get in the way.

Charles: Where I have a father, you have a dad.

Picture This

BJ (about Charles): I'll bet he has the largest record collection in all of Korea. Maybe all of Asia. Probably the world. You know, you'd think a guy with that many records wouldn't have a chance to play them all, but he does. It can be done if you have your phonograph on for every minute of every day. And night! But I like it!

Potter: I just wonder if I'm getting what this painting is really all about: the camaraderie, the affection we have for each other. Oh, I'm getting the bodies all right, but I wonder if I'm getting the souls. Maybe I bit off more than I can chew.
Klinger: Uh, I have to go sir. (he leaves)
Potter: Of course son. You know, you people have been closer than kinfolk to me, you make it almost bearable being over here.
Margaret: Excuse me sir please. (she leaves)
Potter: Surely. In a way, this painting is a way of sharing my Korean family with my family back home.
Mulcahy: Of course. Of course. (he leaves leaving Potter at a table by himself)
Potter: It ain't easy telling people how close you are to 'em when they aren't here.

That Darn Kid

Hawkeye: That does it, when this war is over I'm going home.

Charles: Would you like some Cognac?
Rizzo: Naw, I ain't hungry.

Season 11

Hey, Look Me Over

Hawkeye: I'll make you a deal: I fix the autoclave. I go.
Margaret: Fine.
Hawkeye: Ok. Fine. Fine. Very simple. The hinge is bent, that's all. Takes three seconds.
Margaret: Uh-huh.
Hawkeye: One (hits it), two (hits it again), three...(hits it and the door falls off).

Margaret: Well I did everything I could and I'd do the same thing all over again. There is no reason to put myself and everybody else through hell to satisfy some crazy notion that good is never good enough.

Trick or Treatment

Klinger: The Piranhas [Marines] have landed at Rosie's, and already we've got their first casualty!
Hawkeye: Uh, sorry, I don't remove tattoos.
Klinger: How about billiard balls?
BJ: What?!
Klinger: A Marine got one stuck in his mouth.
BJ: Now, that must have been some shot.
Hawkeye: Can he breathe?
Klinger: Oh yeah, he's fine; you need a bazooka to kill these guys. He bet someone that he could put a pool ball in his mouth and then take it out.
BJ: Well, he was half right.

Hawkeye: The way I see it, the Army owes us so many coffee breaks, we should get 1954 off.

Foreign Affairs

Major Reddish: It's been getting harder and harder to sell this war to the folks back home.
Hawkeye: Well, that's what happens when you spend everything on weapons and nothing on advertising.
Major Reddish: Right.

Major Reddish: I refuse to lie.
BJ: And you call yourself a PR man.
Major Reddish: I'm a soldier first. I won't lie without orders.

The Joker is Wild

Hawkeye: Trapper was a man ahead of his time. Right, Margaret?
Margaret: He was a ridiculous, juvenile child.
Hawkeye: See?

Charles: Hunnicutt, if there is a God, there will be a time in your life when you are in dire straits and in desperate need of a wealthy, influential friend. When that time comes, I pray you will turn to me so I can laugh in your face.

Who Knew?

BJ: One sure test of good oatmeal is that you can't fill your fountain pen with it.
Mulcahy: What the oatmeal lacks in solidity, the coffee more than makes up for.
Hawkeye: When you haven't had much sleep, there's nothing like a good cup of coffee that you can really sink your teeth into.

Charles: Now, can we get on with this? I have some meaningless trivial business that is far more important.
Klinger: OK. I didn't want to take any chances so I hid our little product in a clever place. This is it. (holds up a hula hoop)
Charles: My word, you have invented the circle!

Bombshells

Klinger: Hey, guys. Did you know that Ted Williams is going home? I heard the Red Sox paid fifty thousand bucks to get him out of the Marines.
Charles: Boy, that's not what I heard. I heard it was seventy-five thousand and they sold Babe Ruth to the Navy.

BJ: We sit around here in our Hawaiian shirts and red suspenders, thumbing our nose at the Army, drinking home brewed gin and flouting authority at every turn, and feeling, oh, so superior to those military fools who kill each other and oh so self-righteous when we clean up after them. Well, good luck to you pal. I hope you can...keep it up. The minute I cut that rope, they made me a soldier.

Settling Debts

(in Father Mulcahy's tent planning a mortgage burning party for Colonel Potter)
Margaret: I think a party with a theme would be really cute.
Charles: Must we? Can't we just hand the poor man the mortgage, let him ignite it and go on about our business?
BJ: There's an exciting theme: apathy. What time shouldn't we be here?
Klinger: Aw, come on, Major. Didn't your folks do something special when they got their first house?
Charles: Yes. Yes they did. They fired the entire staff.

Hawkeye: All right. Look, just for the sake of your sanity, I'll tell you this much. Mildred wants to surprise you.
Potter: Surprise me?
Hawkeye: Yeah.
Potter: It ain't my birthday. That was last month. It ain't our anniversary. That's Groundhog Day. I picked it so I'd never forget it.
BJ: Relax, you're gonna love it.
Potter: That's the same thing she said when she put the leopard skin seat covers on the Hudson. Never felt safe getting in that car without a whip and a chair.

The Moon is Not Blue

Charles (entering the Swamp): Gentlemen.
BJ; Quiet, Charles, I'm looking for the liquor ads.
Hawkeye: I thought you went to see Sahara tonight.
Charles: Indeed I did. But, alas, I had to leave when the film broke which was about two seconds after I ripped it from the projector. And I would have been here sooner but I had to stop to accept the cheers of the entire audience.

BJ: Hey, hey, hey. Listen to this. (reading from newspaper) Blue movie banned in Boston.
Hawkeye: What?
BJ: "The Moon Is Blue, starring David Niven, William Holden, and Maggie McNamara has been banned from local theaters due to its suggestive nature. "
Hawkeye: Philistines. They said the same thing about Babette Meets the Fleet.
Charles: Gentlemen, uh, before you unleash your libidos, bear in mind: Boston would have banned Pinocchio.

Run for the Money

Klinger: Captains, I've been adding up some numbers.
BJ: Well, you'd better sit down, your fingers must be exhausted.

(after Margaret bets another week's pay for herself, Hawkeye and BJ)
Hawkeye: I can't believe what we're doing. Or how many times we're doing it.
Margaret: What's the matter?
Hawkeye: What's the matter?!
BJ: What's the matter?! If Mulcahy loses, we're out two weeks' pay!
Hawkeye: Each!
Margaret: You men. You always worry about little things.

U.N., the Night and the Music

Margaret: Oh, Sweden! Oh, I've always wanted to visit Sweden. I hear the scenery is so... tall.

Hawkeye: Why fight it? I might as well go crazy and be inconspicuous!

Strange Bedfellows

Charles: I'm afraid there is the possibility—slim though it be—that I...snore.
Mulcahy: Snore. Oh. Good heavens, Major. What...courage it took to admit that.
Charles: Well, Father, I'm afraid you don't understand. See, all my life I've harbored a secret dread that I may not be worthy of my name, that I may not good enough to be a Winchester. What if all this malarkey is true, that I do...snore like a common factory worker. What if that's just the tip of the iceberg? What if there are even more vulgar traits lurking just underneath the surface? Today...snoring. Tomorrow, sitting in front of a TV with a cold brew watching roller derby. What if—perish the thought—I am actually the same as everybody else? I couldn't live with that.

Mulcahy: Speaking as one whose ancestors were factory workers and who like roller derby and a good brew, do I understand you to say that if you can't be better that me, then there's no point in living?
Charles: Well, don't take it personally, Father.
Mulcahy: Why should I take it personally? By the way, did I ever tell you about the time I was thrown out of the seminary dorm for snoring?
Charles: Uh...
Mulcahy: The truth of the matter is you're not superior to any of us whether you snore or not.
Charles: Shh!
Mulcahy: And at times like this, I'm not even sure you're equal.

Say No More

Mulcahy: Good morning, Major. If you don't mind me saying so, hubba hubba.
Margaret (voice hoarse due to laryngitis): Charles. (bangs table when he ignores her)
Charles: Well, Margaret. Can't you just say good morning as civilized people do?
Margaret: (grunting and miming)
Charles: It is not my idea of breakfast fun to play charades.
Margaret; (more grunting)
Mulcahy: Uh, Doctor, I believe you are being paged.
Margaret: (more grunting and miming)
Charles: My I at least finish my Wheaties? (Margaret drags him out of the mess tent) Margaret, what is wrong?

Margaret (hoarse): Please send telegram. (writing on note pad)
Charles: Well why not. I'm often mistaken for a little Western Union boy. (reading note) "Dr. Chesler, must cancel. Very sorry. Perhaps another time." Another time? The man's leaving for the States tomorrow.
Margaret: Not fair to patients or staff. Can't work like this. Another three days — I can't go.
Charles: I must say I admire your dedication. I'll send this off immediately if that's what you really want. Yes? (leaving post-op bellowing) Telegram for Dr. Chesler. Oh, telegram for Dr. Chesler.

Friends and Enemies

Margaret: I got some 3-0 silk for you Dr. Winchester. I noticed you were running low.
Charles: I shall always cherish this moment.
Margaret: Well, Charles, what are friends for?
Charles: Friends? If pressed, I would say that you and I coexist. Now can we skip ahead to the inevitable small favor that you are going to ask?
Margaret: Well, now that you mention it, I got this new record player and I don't have anything to play on it.
Charles: I do. And you still don't.

Charles: If I don't find a way to hear some music soon, I'm gonna lose what is left of my mind.
BJ: Why don't you ask Margaret to let you play your records on her new record player?
Charles: I'd sooner share my toothbrush with a Democrat.
BJ: Maybe you could go over to the O-Club and play 'em on the jukebox. Nobody there this early.
Charles: That is tantamount to asking Michelangelo to paint the ceiling of Woolworth's.

Give and Take

Mulcahy: I do believe people are essentially good, but sometimes you have to put them in a half-nelson to get them to cough up.

Soldier: My boots. All he wanted was my lousy boots. His feet were freezing. I'd have done the same thing. He was just a guy like me, and I shot him and I killed him, for a pair of boots.
Potter: You know, sometimes I think there should be a rule of war saying you have to see someone up close and get to know him before it's OK to shoot him.
Soldier: How can I wear these again? How can I ever put on a pair of shoes without thinking of that guy?

As Time Goes By

Hawkeye [about the Army Field Manual]: How to Defend Freedom and Democracy Through Unquestioned Obedience.

BJ: [talking about a fishing lure] I've fished with this a couple of times. Hawk told me it belonged to Colonel Blake. It's for all the men who never made it home.

Goodbye, Farewell and Amen

Charles: Just a minute! You handle our food and dig latrines?
Igor: Don't worry, sir. I always wash my hands before I dig the latrines.

Mulcahy: (to Col. Potter) Well, look on the bright side. When we're told we must do our time in purgatory, we can all say "No thanks. I've done mine."

Col Potter: Goodbye, Margaret. I know you've got your career in order. Don't forget to have a happy life, too.

Col. Potter: Well, boys [B. J. and Hawkeye], it would be hard to call what we've been through fun, but I'm sure glad we went through it together.

Hawkeye: Look, I know how tough it is for you to say goodbye, so I'll say it. Maybe you're right. Maybe we will see each other again. But just in case we don't, I want you to know how much you've meant to me. I'll never be able to shake you. Whenever I see a pair of big feet or a cheesy mustache, I'll think of you.
B. J.: Whenever I smell month-old socks, I'll think of you.
Hawkeye: Or the next time somebody nails my shoe to the floor...
B. J.: Or when somebody gives me a martini that tastes like lighter fluid.
Hawkeye: I'll miss you.
B. J.: I'll miss you, a lot. I can't imagine what this place would've been like if I hadn't found you here.

External links

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M*A*S*H
Format Medical drama / Dramedy / Black comedy
Created by H. Richard Hornberger
Developed by Larry Gelbart
Starring Alan Alda
Loretta Swit
Jamie Farr
William Christopher
Wayne Rogers (1972–75)
McLean Stevenson (1972–75)
Larry Linville (1972–77)
Gary Burghoff (1972–79)
Harry Morgan (1975–83)
Mike Farrell (1975–83)
David Ogden Stiers (1977-83)
Theme music composer Johnny Mandel (written for the film)
Opening theme "Suicide Is Painless"
Ending theme "Suicide Is Painless"
Country of origin
No. of seasons 11
No. of episodes 251 (List of episodes)
Production
Location(s) Los Angeles County, California (Century City and the Malibu Creek area)
Camera setup Single camera
Running time 24–25 minutes (per episode)
Production company(s) 20th Century Fox Television
Broadcast
Original channel CBS
Original run September 17, 1972 – February 28, 1983
Chronology
Followed by AfterMASH
W*A*L*T*E*R

M*A*S*H is an American television sitcom made by Larry Gelbart about doctors in a mobile . It was inspired by MASH: A Novel About Three Army Doctors. It stars Alan Alda as the main character. It was very popular, lasting 11 seasons, and having one of the most viewed series finales in television history.

Summary

M*A*S*H is about a Mobile Army Surgical Hospital during the Korean War. It stars Hawkeye Pierce, an American surgeon who dislikes the war and makes a lot of jokes.

Cast

There have been a strong cast of characters through the show's life. The only four people who appeared from the first episode to the last are Alan Alda, William Christopher, Loretta Swit, and Jamie Farr.

Character Actor/Actress Rank Role
Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce Alan Alda Captain Chief surgeon
John Patrick Francis Mulcahy George Morgan (Pilot Episode), Replaced by William Christopher 1st Lieutenant,
later Captain
Chaplain
Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan (O'Houlihan in the film) Loretta Swit Major Head nurse
Maxwell Q. Klinger Jamie Farr Corporal,
later Sergeant
Medic/Orderly,
later Company Clerk
John Francis Xavier "Trapper" McIntyre
(Seasons 1-3)
Wayne Rogers Captain Surgeon
Henry Braymore Blake
(Seasons 1-3)
McLean Stevenson Lieutenant Colonel Surgeon,
Commanding officer
Franklin Marion "Frank" Burns, also known as "Ferrett Face"
(Seasons 1-5)
Larry Linville Major,
later Lieutenant Colonel (off-screen)
Surgeon,
Temporary Commanding officer (following the discharge of Henry Blake)
Walter Eugene "Radar" O’Reilly
(Seasons 1-7)
Gary Burghoff Corporal Company Clerk,
Bugler
B. J. Hunnicutt
(replaced Trapper; Seasons 4-11)
Mike Farrell Captain Surgeon
Sherman T. Potter
(replaced Henry Blake; Seasons 4-11)
Harry Morgan Colonel Surgeon,
Commanding officer (After Lt. Col. Blake)
Charles Emerson Winchester III
(replaced Frank Burns; Seasons 6-11)
David Ogden Stiers Major Surgeon

"Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen"

"Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen" is the series finale. It was aired on February 28, 1983, and is two and a half hours long. Nearly 106 million Americans watched it, which was 77% of the people watching TV at the time. It is the most watched episode of any show in American history.








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