MASH (film): Wikis


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Theatrical release poster
Directed by Robert Altman
Produced by Ingo Preminger
Written by Novel:
Richard Hooker
Ring Lardner, Jr.
Starring Donald Sutherland
Elliot Gould
Tom Skerritt
Robert Duvall
Sally Kellerman
Music by Johnny Mandel
Cinematography Harold E. Stine
Editing by Danford B. Greene
Studio Aspen Productions
Ingo Preminger Productions
Distributed by 20th Century Fox
Release date(s) January 25, 1970
Running time 116 min.
Country United States
Language English
Budget $3.5 million
Gross revenue $81,600,000

MASH is a 1970 American satirical dark comedy film directed by Robert Altman and written by Ring Lardner, Jr., based on the novel MASH: A Novel About Three Army Doctors by Richard Hooker. It is the only feature film in the M*A*S*H franchise. It became one of the biggest hit films of the early 1970's for Twentieth Century Fox, and especially during the time of the Vietnam era. The film is set during the Korean War, but it really mirrored the confusion of war and it discreetly hit upon Vietnam without promoting too much controversy or anti war sentiment, though some parts of the film did offend critics at the time it was released.

The film depicts a unit of medical personnel stationed at a Mobile Army Surgical Hospital during the Korean War; however, the subtext is really about the Vietnam War.[1] It stars Donald Sutherland and Elliott Gould, with Robert Duvall, Sally Kellerman, Tom Skerritt, Roger Bowen, Gary Burghoff, Rene Auberjonois, David Arkin, and Fred Williamson. The film went on to inspire the television series M*A*S*H, which featured a cast including Alan Alda, Loretta Swit, and Jamie Farr, and ran from 1972 to 1983.

The film's title is often rendered as M*A*S*H, but, although asterisks were included in the original poster art and in the subsequent TV series, the title that appears onscreen in the film omits them.



MASH juxtaposes gory operating-room procedures with anti-establishment humor. Occasionally, these two elements coexist within the same shot. For example, while Hawkeye is amputating a patient's leg, he asks a nurse to scratch his nose, when all the while the sound of the saw cutting the bone is audible.

The film, the plot of which is episodic, is marked by Altman's trademark editing style, in which many scenes contain several simultaneous or overlapping conversations, as well as his frequent use of zooms.


Some really sharp surgeons

The 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital is in need of replacements, and is assigned two: Captain "Hawkeye" Pierce (Donald Sutherland) and Captain "Duke" Forrest (Tom Skerritt). On their arrival, it becomes clear that they are rebellious, womanizing, mischievous rule-breakers (they arrive having "borrowed" a Jeep, and immediately begin flirting with the nursing staff), but they soon prove beyond argument that they are also good at their jobs. They immediately clash with their new tent mate Major Frank Burns (Robert Duvall), who is both a religious man and an inferior surgeon. Hawkeye and Duke put pressure on Lt. Colonel Henry Blake (Roger Bowen), the unit's CO, to have Burns removed from "their" tent. At the same time, they ask him to apply to have a specialist thoracic surgeon assigned to the 4077th.

The new chest-cutter

The mysterious new thoracic surgeon arrives, and gives away little about who he is or where he's from. Hawkeye, though, is convinced he has seen the new man somewhere before. It is only after an impromptu football game that Hawkeye recalls a college football game he played in which he scored the only touchdown by intercepting a pass from the opposing team's (Dartmouth) quarterback, the new thoracic surgeon, Captain "Trapper" John McIntyre (Elliott Gould).

The new chief nurse

Major Margaret Houlihan (Sally Kellerman), the newly assigned chief nurse of the camp, arrives to be greeted by Henry Blake (who mistakenly refers to her as "O'Houlihan" several times). At the same time, in the post-op ward, Trapper observes Frank Burns blaming Private Boone, an orderly, for a patient's death when he doesn't get to Burns in time with a cardiac needle. During Houlihan's tour of the camp, Trapper confronts Burns and punches him. Since Houlihan witnesses this outburst, Henry must wait before he can appoint Trapper as the new chief surgeon.

"Kiss my hot lips!"

While Henry is away visiting General Hammond at the 325th Evac Hospital, the camp, led by Trapper, lets loose. Burns and Houlihan are appalled, and together they write a report on the unmilitary goings-on. In the process, they give in to their own passions and engage in a sexual encounter. But their tryst winds up being broadcast over the PA system and leads to Houlihan gaining her nickname, "Hot Lips". They are forced to end this when they realize the whole camp is listening to them. The following day, Hawkeye quietly taunts Burns about the encounter, so much so that Burns leaps across the mess table to attack him. This leads to Burns' being sedated, restrained, and shipped back stateside.

"Suicide is painless"

"Dago Red" (René Auberjonois), the camp's chaplain, tells Hawkeye that "Painless Pole" Waldowski (John Schuck), the unit's dentist, has consulted him about a problem. Though Mulcahy feels unable to divulge any details (Waldowski had come to him in confession), he makes clear the severity of the problem. Waldowski, the "best equipped dentist in the army", tells Hawkeye that he has suffered a "lack of performance" with a visiting nurse and now believes that he has latent homosexual tendencies. Soon after, he reveals his desire to commit suicide and seeks advice on which method to use. Hawkeye, Trapper, and Duke suggest that he use the "black capsule" (a fictitious, fast-acting poison). At an impromptu Last Supper, Painless takes the capsule (actually a sleeping pill) and falls asleep in a coffin to the strains of "Suicide is Painless". Hawkeye then persuades Lt. Maria "Dish" Schneider (Jo Ann Pflug), one of the nurses who is returning to the U.S. the following day, to spend the night with Painless, thus curing him of his problems.

A natural blonde

During a discussion, Duke announces that he is partial to blondes, to which Hawkeye responds by claiming his friend has a thing for "Hot Lips". Duke counters by suggesting she isn't even a natural blonde and bets $20 with Hawkeye to find out. Together, the boys come up with a scheme: when the nurses are all going to use the showers, each of them is waylaid except Hot Lips. Then, on cue, the flap covering the shower tent is lifted to expose Hot Lips, naked, to the camp, plunging her into complete and total humiliation.

In hysterics, "Hot Lips" storms off to Colonel Blake's tent and screams at him that the camp is an insane asylum and that it's his fault for letting the doctors get away with practically anything. She threatens to resign her commission if Blake doesn't turn them over to the MPs. However, Blake says that she can resign her own commission.

"The pros from Dover"

Ho-Jon (Kim Atwood), a local teenager who works in the camp, is drafted into the South Korean army. Hawkeye drives him to the induction center in Seoul for his physical, where he is found to have high blood pressure and a rapid heartbeat. The examining doctor refuses to disqualify Ho-Jon, insinuating that Hawkeye may have given Ho-Jon some medicine to induce these symptoms and keep him from being conscripted. Hawkeye reluctantly has to let him go.

Back in camp, Trapper is ordered to proceed to Kokura, Japan, to operate on the GI son of a U.S. Congressman who has been injured in training. Seeing an opportunity to golf on the quality courses, he takes Hawkeye to assist. The two barge into the hospital and order the young man into surgery within the hour. With Hawkeye's old friend "Me Lay" Marston (Michael Murphy) as the anaesthetist, they quickly finish the surgery; but on the way out of the hospital, they are cornered by the MPs and are escorted to the hospital's commander, Col. Wallace Merrill. Reminding the Colonel that "the Pros from Dover" have bailed him out of a potential situation with the Congressman's son, any threats that Merrill could make are effectively nullified.

While recuperating at the hospital/whorehouse where Me Lay moonlights as a doctor, Hawkeye and Trapper come across a Japanese-American baby with a serious medical problem. Taking advantage of their status as "the Pros from Dover", they go to the military hospital to operate, but are stopped by Merrill. However, the three anesthetize him and then blackmail him by taking nude pictures of him in bed with one of the prostitutes.

On their return from Japan, Hawkeye, and Trapper immediately go into surgery for several hours. Done with the surgery and eager to get some sleep, they head back to their tent only to find that Duke has locked it up. They then observe him sneaking Hot Lips out, making it clear that Duke was not as averse to the chief nurse as he claimed.

The football game

On a visit to the 4077th, General Hammond shares a drink with Hawkeye, Trapper, and Duke and suggests that their two units play a "friendly" football game, with some money thrown into a pot to make bets ($5,000 or $6,000). Seeing an opportunity to make some money, Hawkeye comes up with a plan. First, they get Henry to apply for a specific neurosurgeon: Dr. Oliver Harmon "Spearchucker" Jones, a former professional football player for the San Francisco 49ers. Then, Hawkeye's plan calls for them to bet half their money up front and keep the ringer (Jones) out of the first half of the game. Once the other team has racked up some easy points and become confident enough to offer good odds to bet the rest of the money, the 4077th brings in Jones for the second half. The game goes down to the last play, described as "semilegal", which calls for the ball to be returned from the quarterback (Trapper) to the center (Wade Douglas Vollmer), who then hides the ball under his jersey. While everyone chases the phantom ball, Vollmer runs unobserved to score a touchdown, winning the game and the bets for the 4077th.


Not long after the football game, Hawkeye and Duke receive their discharge orders and begin their journey home - in the same Jeep they arrived in.


Because of the number of unknown actors that Altman had cast, the opening credits, after the established stars, are entirely "Introducing…."

Gary Burghoff was the only member of the movie cast to become a regular on the television series. However, other actors did appear in both. G. Wood, who played Gen. Hammond, appeared also in three episodes of the series. Timothy Brown had different roles in the film (as Cpl. Judson) and, for a brief time, the series (as "Spearchucker" Jones). Corey Fischer played Capt. Bandini in the film and the guitar-playing dentist Cardozo in the TV episode "5 O'Clock Charlie".

Fred Williamson, who portrays "Spearchucker" Jones — a neurosurgeon who played professional football before being drafted into the Army - actually played professional football (for the Pittsburgh Steelers, Oakland Raiders, and Kansas City Chiefs. In the film's football sequence, he appears wearing anachronistically white football shoes (football players did not wear white shoes until Joe Namath sported them in the late 1960s). Tom Woodeshick appears in one shot at the end of the football game taking a hit off of a joint. Likewise, Timothy Brown had a real-life career with the Green Bay Packers, Philadelphia Eagles, and Baltimore Colts. Ben Davidson, who was the player who spat his drink in Radar's face and was thrown out of the game in the second half, had a long career with the Raiders.


The screenplay is radically different from the original novel; in the DVD audio commentary, Altman refers to the novel as "pretty terrible" and possibly "racist"—the major black character in the movie has the nickname "Spearchucker". He claims that even Lardner's screenplay was used only as a springboard. However, the screenplay itself reveals that, while there is some ad-libbing in the film, and although Altman moved major sequences around, most sequences are in the screenplay. The main deletion is a subplot of Ho-Jon's return to the 4077th—as a casualty. When Radar steals blood from Henry, it is for Ho-Jon's operation under Trapper and Hawkeye's scalpels. When the surgeons are playing poker after the football game, they are resolutely ignoring a dead body being driven away—Ho-Jon's. The main deviation from the script is the trimming of much of the dialogue.

The filming process was difficult, due to tensions between the director and his cast. Sutherland has stated that he was the only member of the principal cast and crew not using drugs during the filming.[citation needed] During principal photography, Sutherland and Gould spent a third of their time trying to get Altman fired;[2] Altman, relatively new to the filmmaking establishment, at that time lacked the credentials to justify his unorthodox filmmaking process and had a history of turning down work rather than creating a poor-quality product.[3] Altman: "I had practice working for people who don't care about quality, and I learned how to sneak it in."[4] Altman later commented that if he had known about Gould and Sutherland, he would have resigned.[5] Gould later sent a letter of apology, and Altman used him in some of his later works, but he never worked with Sutherland again.

There were only a few uses of loudspeaker announcements in the original cut. When Altman realized he needed more structure to his largely episodic film, editor Danford Greene suggested using more loudspeaker announcements to frame different episodes of the story. Greene took a second-unit crew and filmed additional shots of the speakers. On the same night that these scenes were shot, American astronauts landed on the moon.[6]

During production, a caption that mentions the Korean setting was added to the beginning of the film,[7] at the request of 20th Century Fox studios.[8] The Korean War is explicitly referenced in announcements on the camp public address system[9] and during a radio announcement that plays while Hawkeye and Trapper are putting in Col. Merrill's office.[citation needed]

In his director's commentary on the DVD release, Altman says that MASH was the first major studio film to use the word "fuck" in its dialogue. The word is spoken during the football game near the end of the film by "The Painless Pole" when he says to an opposing football player, "All right, Bud, your fucking head is coming right off!" The actor, John Schuck, has said in several interviews that Altman encouraged ad-libbing, and that particular statement made it into the film without a second thought. Interestingly, the offending word was not censored during a late-night broadcast of the film on ABC in 1985; subsequent broadcasts of the film on network television have the word removed altogether. (MASH had its television premiere as a CBS Friday Night Movie on September 13, 1974 @ 9:00 (EDT), 3 days after the start of the third season of the M*A*S*H TV series; it was repeated on CBS March 5, 1976.)


Suicide Is Painless

MASH features the song "Suicide Is Painless", with music by Johnny Mandel and lyrics by Mike Altman, the director's 14-year-old son. The version heard under the opening credits was sung by uncredited session vocalists John Bahler, Tom Bahler, Ron Hicklin and Ian Freebairn-Smith (on the single release, the song is attributed to "The Mash"); the song is reprised later in the film by the character of Pvt. Seidman (played by Ken Prymus). Altman has noted in interviews that his son made quite a bit more money off publishing royalties for the song than the $70,000 or so he was paid to direct the film.

An instrumental version of the song by Al DeLory was a hit in 1970.[10] Ten years after the film's release, the song reached number one in the UK charts. The television show used an instrumental version of the song as its theme music. The tune has notably been covered by Manic Street Preachers and Marilyn Manson. "Suicide is Painless" also became a standard of jazz music, with versions by Bill Evans, on You Must Believe in Spring (recorded in 1977 but only released after his death in 1980) and Ahmad Jamal, on Digital Works (1985) (Jamal's version was used instead of the film version on some re-releases of the soundtrack album).


Mandel also composed incidental music used throughout the film. Also heard on the soundtrack are Japanese vocal renditions of such songs as "Tokyo Shoe Shine Boy", "My Blue Heaven","Happy Days are Here Again", "Chattanooga Choo Choo", and "Hi-Lili, Hi-Lo"; impromptu performances of "Onward, Christian Soldiers" and "Hail to the Chief" by cast members; and the instrumental "Washington Post March" during the climactic football game.

Awards and honors

The film won the Grand Prix at the 1970 Cannes Film Festival.[11] It was nominated for five Academy Awards, including Best Picture, Best Director, Best Supporting Actress (Sally Kellerman), and Best Film Editing, and won an Oscar for its screenplay.

The film won the Golden Globe Award for Best Motion Picture (Musical or Comedy) in 1971.

The movie was the 38th film to be released to the home video market when 20th Century Fox licensed fifty motion pictures from their library to Magnetic Video.

In 1996, MASH was deemed "culturally significant" by the Library of Congress and was selected for preservation in the United States National Film Registry.

This film is number 17 on Bravo's "100 Funniest Movies".

American Film Institute recognition


  1. ^ The Entertainment Weekly Guide to the Greatest Movies Ever Made. New York: Warner Books. 1996. p. 49. 
  2. ^ Film Curator, (NCMA), the North Carolina Museum of Art in Raleigh, North Carolina "Gould and Sutherland had rebelled on the set, convinced that Altman's unstructured directing would destroy their fledgling careers."
  3. ^ Film Curator, (NCMA), the North Carolina Museum of Art in Raleigh, North Carolina. "Between 1957 and 1964 he worked on at least 20 tv shows... fired from most of them for his experimentation with non-linear narrative and overlapping sound."
  4. ^ Film Curator, (NCMA), the North Carolina Museum of Art in Raleigh, North Carolina, quote attributed to Robert Altman
  5. ^ Robert Altman (director commentary). (2002-01-08). M*A*S*H. [DVD]. Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment. 
  6. ^ "Enlisted: The Story of M*A*S*H" (making-of documentary), Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment, 2001
  7. ^ Robert Altman (director commentary). (2002-01-08). M*A*S*H. [DVD]. Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment. Event occurs at 00:03:19. Retrieved 2007-05-15. 
  8. ^ Film Curator, (NCMA), the North Carolina Museum of Art in Raleigh, North Carolina. "There was absolutely no mention of Korea in the movie, and Fox insisted that be fixed. An introductory title and the PA announcements were used..."
  9. ^ Film Curator, (NCMA), the North Carolina Museum of Art in Raleigh, North Carolina. "An introductory title and the PA announcements were used to clarify that this was certainly -not- the current Asian war, Vietnam."
  10. ^
  11. ^ "Festival de Cannes: MASH". Retrieved 2009-04-10. 

External links


Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

MASH is a 1970 film about the surgeons stationed in a M*A*S*H unit during the Korean war.

Directed by Robert Altman. Screenplay by Ring Lardner Jr., based on the book by Richard Hooker.
M*A*S*H .



  • Frank, were you on this religious kick at home, or did you crack up over here?
  • Oh come off it, MAJOR! You put me right off my fresh fried lobster, do you realize that? I'm going to go back to my bed, I'm going to put away the best part of a bottle of scotch... and under normal circumstances, you being normally what I would call a very attractive woman, I would have invited you back to share my little bed with me, and you might possibly have come. But you really put me off. I mean you're what we call a regular army clown.
  • Baby we're gonna see some stitching like you never saw before.
  • [Trying to convince Lt. Dish to sleep with Painless.] You have the rare privilege that happens on certain occasions to chief executives of states or nations. You have the privilege of restoring a human being's life by a tender act of mercy.
  • Let's give him a sexy scar, huh? Fantastic
  • Who am I? I am the pro from Dover, and this [Indicates Trapper John] is my favorite caddy.

Trapper John

  • It's a good thing you have a nice body, nurse, otherwise they'd get rid of you quick.
  • No. No food. Sex. I want sex. Bring me some sex. [The others call for Storch, but Trapper John points at Hot-Lips] No, no, no, that one. Bring me that one over there. That one. The sultry bitch with the fire in her eyes. Take her clothes off! I want that one, yes. Take her clothes off and bring her to me now.
  • [As a helicopter attempts to land on the helipad where they are standing] I wish they wouldn't land those things here while we're playing golf.
  • Well, you know, Man o' War, after they retired him from racing, they put him out to stud. And he had, on an average, uh about a hundred and twenty, a hundred and thirty foals every year. And he lived to be thirty-six. And then when he died, they did an autopsy, and they found out that he was a raving queen.


  • Oh, now damn it, Henry. Frank Burns is a menace! Every time a patient croaks on him, he says it's God's will or somebody else's fault.
  • [Watching as Frank Burns leaves] Fair is fair, Henry. If I nail Hot Lips and punch Hawkeye, can I go home?
  • Take care of the squirrels.


  • If a man isn't a man anymore… what's he got left that he should be living for?
  • I'm a fairy. A victim of latent homosexuality. I've turned into a fairy.
  • [During football game] All right bud, your fucking head is coming right off!

Hot Lips

  • [Proudly] I like to think of the army as my home!
  • Oh, Frank, my lips are hot! Kiss my hot lips!
  • [In the middle of sex] Oh, Frank, strangle me!
  • This isn't a hospital, it's an insane asylum!

Col. Blake

  • Ever since the dark days before Pearl Harbor, I have been proud to wear this uniform.
  • Alright men, we're not here to sell lemonade, we're here to practice!
  • How do ya like them apples, Charlie?
  • God damnit Hot Lips, Resign your goddamn commission!


  • Ho-Jon: Hawkeye? Duke say you better haul ass home quick. We got new chest cutter in our tent.
  • P.A. Announcement: Attention. Captain Banning - er, Captain Bandini. [Exhales forcefully] Attention. Captain Bandini is now performing a femoral pop-- a popli-- a p-- a femoral P-O-P-L-I-T-E-R-A-L artery expli - exp - - exploration and possible graft.
  • Capt. Murrhardt: Painless is a dentist, and a dentist shouldn't read. That's his whole problem.
  • Capt. Bandini: Something in a marshmallow?
  • Cpl. Judson: [Sung for Painless] Suicide is painless / it brings on many changes / and I can take or leave it / if I please


Hawkeye: Nurse, you got a clamp?
Lt. Dish: Yes.
Hawkeye: Scratch my nose.

[While making out]
Lt. Dish: I made a vow to myself that while I was gone, I was going to be-- I was going to be faithful to my husband.
Hawkeye: Those are the vows you make when you're with somebody.

Duke: Well, listen, uh, where were you when you were drafted? I was just curious.
Trapper John: Back home. I told you before.
Duke: No, I mean, what were you doing? Were you, like, a resident, or on staff someplace?
Trapper John: Mmm.
Duke: Where?
Trapper John: Hospital.
Duke: Which hospital?
Trapper John: Back home.
Duke: [To Hawkeye] Is there some reason I shouldn't know which hospital?
Hawkeye: I don't know. I will ask. Is there some reason my friend should not know the name of the hospital?
[Trapper pops his gum and shrugs.]
Hawkeye: There doesn't appear to be any reason. I've seen you somewhere before. I don't know your name, stranger, but your face is familiar. Have you always had that mustache?
[Trapper John smirks and shakes his head.]
Hawkeye: Hmm.

Hawkeye: Duke, did I ever tell you how Androscoggin College beat Dartmouth in a raging blizzard, six to nothing, because I intercepted a pass?
Duke: Yeah, you told me.
Hawkeye: They had this great passer, see? [Trapper John shrugs, smiling] And we held them nothing-nothing till the last 20 seconds, and then snow and all, he let one go. And it went sailing… boom!
Trapper John: Lucky your mouth wasn't open, it would have got stuck in your throat.
Hawkeye: Oh, baby! How are you, Trapper John McIntyre?
Trapper John: I thought you'd never remember.

Trapper John: Painless Polish Day in the shower tent?
Hawkeye: Walt Waldowski, the dentist.
Trapper John: Well, what, are those guys waiting to scrub his back or something?

[After Trapper John punches Frank Burns]
Col. Blake: Well, what's wrong with you?
Trapper John: I don't know. I must have lost my punch. I never expected the son of a bitch to get up!

Hot Lips: [About Hawkeye] I wonder how such a degenerated person ever reached a position of authority in the Army Medical Corps.
Father Mulcahy: He was drafted.

[Referring to Major Houlihan]
Trapper John: Well, what's the matter with her today?
Hawkeye: Oh, I don't know. I think it's one of those ladies' things.
Trapper John: It's not like her to act like this. She's a bitch. Look at my new flannel-- I think she's going to have a nervous breakdown.
Hawkeye: She can't even get out of the door.

[Frank Burns leaps over the mess table and tackles Hawkeye]
Hawkeye: Get him off me! I've got glasses. Get him off me!
Duke: What's going on, Frank? That lesson one?
Hawkeye: Frank Burns has gone nuts! I'm wearing glasses, for God's sake!
Trapper John: Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye. That man is a sex maniac. I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him. Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye!

[Father Mulcahy tells Hawkey that Painless has a problem.]
Hawkeye: What do you mean? What is it?
Father Mulcahy: Well, what is it? It's difficult to talk about, you see, because I learned about his problem in confession.
Hawkeye: Oh, and you can't--
Father Mulcahy: I can't divulge…
Hawkeye: Can you give me a hint?

[Gathered at Painless's suicide feast.]
Duke: Now then, y'all come here to say your final farewell to ol' Walt here.
Trapper John: Farewell Walt.
Duke: Dear ol' Walt. You know, I got an idea that maybe it's not such a final farewell after all. I think maybe ol' Walt's going on into the unknown to do a little recon work for us all.
Hawkeye: I just-- I just wanna say one thing. Uh, nobody ordered Walt to go on this mission. He volunteered for certain death.
Duke: That's true.
Hawkeye: That's what we award our highest medals for.
Duke: That's beautiful.
Hawkeye: That's what being a soldier is all about.
Trapper John: Oh yeah.
Capt. Bandini: Here! Here!

Hot Lips: That man is a prisoner of war, Doctor.
Trapper John: So are you, sweetheart, but you don't know it.

Duke: I'm kind of partial to blonde myself.
Hawkeye: I knew it! I knew you had a-- had an attraction for Hot Lips Houlihan
Trapper John: Here! Here!
Duke: Go to hell, Captain Pierce. You know I damn near puke every time I look at her. Besides she's-- I'll bet she's not a real blonde.
Hawkeye: How dare you say that about an officer of the United States Army!
Duke: I'll not only say it, but I'll back it with 20 bucks, How's that?
Hawkeye: You have yourself a bet, sir. [To Trapper John] You're my witness.
Trapper John: I'll be your witness, but who's gonna be the poor schmuck who finds out?

Trapper John: Look, mother, I want to go to work in one hour. We are the Pros from Dover and we figure to crack this kid's chest and get out to golf course before it gets dark. So you go find the gas-passer and you have him pre-medicate this patient. Then bring me the latest pictures on him. The ones we saw must be 48 hours old by now. Then call the kitchen and have them rustle us up some lunch. Ham and eggs will all right. Steak would be even better. And then give me at least ONE nurse who knows how to work in close without getting her tits in my way.
Capt. Peterson: [Outraged] Oh! [She turns to leave and bumps into Nurse] Oh! Fool! [She stomps off]
Nurse: How do you want your steak cooked?

Me Lay Marston: Who are you?
Hawkeye: I'm Dr. Jekyll, actually. This is my friend, Mr. Hyde.
[Trapper John grunts]

[Caught by the MPs]
Hawkeye: Where did we fail?
Trapper John: I don't know, I think it was the woman. Something tells me I've seen her someplace before.
Hawkeye: She was the one in Tangiers.


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