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Mallrats (1995)
Theatrical poster by Drew Struzan
Directed by	Kevin Smith
Produced by	Sean Daniel James Jacks Scott Mosier
Written by	Kevin Smith
Starring	Jason Lee Jeremy London Shannen Doherty Claire Forlani Ben Affleck Joey Lauren Adams Renee Humphrey Jason Mewes Ethan Suplee Stan Lee with Priscilla Barnes and Michael Rooker
Cinematography	David Klein
Editing by	Paul Dixon
Studio	View Askew Productions
Distributed by	Gramercy Pictures Universal Pictures
Release date(s)	October 19, 1995
Running time	94 min.
Country	United States
Language	English
Budget	$6,100,000
Gross revenue	$2,122,561
Preceded by	Clerks
Followed by	Chasing Amy

Mallrats is a 1995 film written and directed by Kevin Smith. It is the second to be set in Smith's View Askewniverse series of interlocking films set mostly in New Jersey, although the movie was filmed in Eden Prairie Center, which is located in Minnesota. As in the other View Askewniverse movies, the characters Jay and Silent Bob figure prominently, and characters and events from other films are discussed. Several cast members, including Jason Lee, Ben Affleck, and Joey Lauren Adams, have gone on to work in several other Smith films. Comic book icon Stan Lee made a cameo appearance, as did Brian O'Halloran, the star of Smith's breakout feature Clerks.

Plot

T.S. Quint (Jeremy London) is preparing for a trip to Universal Studios Florida with his girlfriend Brandi Svenning (Claire Forlani), during which he plans to propose to her; however, the two have an argument and break up after Brandi tells him she can't go because she's volunteered to fill in as a contestant on Truth or Date, her dad's "cheesy Dating Game rip-off" TV show. T.S. turns to his comic book-loving best friend Brodie Bruce (Jason Lee), who has also broken up with his girlfriend, Rene Mosier (Shannen Doherty), and Brodie suggests the two might find solace at the local mall.

Brodie and T.S. discover Truth or Date is shooting at the same mall, and ask local troublemaking drug dealers Jay and Silent Bob (Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith) to destroy the show's stage (which they admit they were going to do anyway), a task for which they devise elaborate but ultimately unsuccessful plans. Brodie also finds out Rene is being pursued by his nemesis Shannon Hamilton (Ben Affleck), a clothing store manager who hates Brodie because of his "lack of a shopping agenda," and has nefarious plans for Rene, intending to seduce her and then have sex 'in a very uncomfortable place' with her. A running joke is that this is interpreted as the 'back of a Volkswagen' rather than the anal sex he intends.

Between seeking romantic advice from Stan Lee and debating such topics as the sexual proclivities of comic-book characters and the status of a cookie stand located outside the official food court, the two run into various acquaintances, including a sex researcher who happens to be a minor, and a guy who spends all day trying to see the hidden image of a sailboat in a Magic Eye poster. They also run afoul of Brandi's father, Jared Svenning (Michael Rooker), who has the mall security guard La Fours (Sven-Ole Thorsen) plant marijuana on their persons so they can be arrested. In addition to helping them escape, Jay and Silent Bob get two of the game show contestants stoned, allowing T.S. and Brodie to replace them on Truth or Date and woo back their respective exes.

Making Mallrats

Pre-production

After the success of the independent hit Clerks, writer/director Kevin Smith and his best friend/producer Scott Mosier began to make their second film. After a screening of Clerks, producer James Jacks approached them to do another movie for Universal Studios. Kevin Smith soon finished the script for this new film, and casting began. They cast Jeremy London, an actor with a TV series and a few movies to his credit as T.S. Shannen Doherty was the most famous cast member after her appearances in many movies and the hit TV shows Little House on the Prairie and Beverly Hills 90210. Jason Lee was cast with no prior acting experience; before the film he was a professional skateboarder. Lee has since appeared in all of Smith's films except Zack and Miri Make A Porno, and is the godfather of Smith's child. Since Mallrats, Lee has gone on to achieve fame as the title character on the TV show My Name is Earl. Ben Affleck, who was a relative unknown at the time except for appearing in Dazed and Confused, was cast as Shannon Hamilton. He later achieved fame and starred in films such as Good Will Hunting and The Sum of All Fears. Affleck has also appeared in all of Smith's films, with the exception of Clerks and Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Joey Lauren Adams was cast as Gwen Turner. She would later date Smith, and during that time he would write the main character in Chasing Amy for her. Ethan Suplee was cast as Willam Black. Producer Scott Mosier was supposed to reprise the role, but Suplee was so good, they cast him instead. Ethan Suplee later also scored a role in My Name is Earl. The most troublesome role to cast was Jay, as the studio did not want Jason Mewes to reprise his role from Clerks, which Smith had written for him. Mewes had to audition for the part against actors such as Seth Green and Breckin Meyer.

Reception

Mallrats was the subject of much critical derision when it was released, with many critics comparing it unfavorably to Smith's first film, Clerks. In his negative review of the film, critic Roger Ebert said "Before Mallrats was released, I chaired a panel that Smith participated in and Kevin Smith cheerfully said he'd be happy to do whatever the studios wanted, if they'd pay for his films. At the time, I thought he was joking."^[1] Kevin Smith responded by apologizing for Mallrats at the 1996 Independent Spirit Awards, though he later stated that the apology was made in jest. Nevertheless, the film developed a strong cult following after it was released on video.^[2]

Cast

• Shannen Doherty as Rene Mosier
• Jeremy London as T.S. Quint
• Jason Lee as Brodie Bruce
• Claire Forlani as Brandi Svenning
• Jason Mewes as Jay
• Kevin Smith as Silent Bob
• Ben Affleck as Shannon Hamilton
• Joey Lauren Adams as Gwen Turner
• Renee Humphrey as Tricia Jones
• Michael Rooker as Jared Svenning
• Ethan Suplee as Willam Black
• Sven-Ole Thorsen as La Fours
• Scott Mosier as Roddy
• Priscilla Barnes as Miss Ivannah
• Walt Flanagan as Walt "Fanboy" Grover
• Bryan Johnson as Steve-Dave Pulasti
• Stan Lee as Himself
• Brian O'Halloran as Gil Hicks, Suitor #3
• Mitchell Evans as himself
• Thomas 'Longball' Dahl as Rabbit Hitter, Boy #1
• Aaron Mohr as kid on escalator
• Tyler Purdon as unknown Suitor
• Ethan Flower as Doug Paging, Suitor #1
• Ed Hapstak as Rob Feature, Suitor #2
• Art James as Bob Summers, host of Truth or Date

Opening credits sequence

The opening credits sequence features a number of comic book covers based on characters that appear in the film. The covers appear next to a corresponding character parodied in the credits. Many of these covers make references to existing comics. They appear in the film in the following order:

• New Jersey Mall 07732 (Shannen Doherty as Rene Mosier) — The logo bears resemblance to that of Beverly Hills 90210 (a television program for which Shannen Doherty is known) although the overall style of the cover is very akin to that of Image Comics. 07732 is a Zip code for Highlands, New Jersey. Art by Jae Lee.

• Defective Comics (Jeremy London as T.S. Quint) — A parody of Detective Comics. On the cover, T.S. and Mike Allred's Madman are trying to escape from a pack of large robots with the help of Jay and Silent Bob. Art by Mike Allred.

• Brodieman (Jason Lee as Brodie Bruce) — The logo and the emblem on the shirt "Brodieman" is wearing are both reminiscent of Superman. The cover also features elements similar to The Hulk and Marvel Comics. Art by J. Scott Campbell.

• Brandi - The Last Babe on Earth (Claire Forlani as Brandi Svenning) — On this cover, Brandi is escaping from what appears to be a shark emerging from molten lava. This is a parody of Kamandi - The Last Boy on Earth.

• Buttman Adventures (Ben Affleck as Shannon Hamilton) — The logo is a parody of logos for various Batman comics. Art by Kirk Van Wormer.

• Gwen (Joey Lauren Adams as Gwen Turner) — A parody of Gen¹³. Art by Adam Hughes.

• Weapon Sex (Renée Humphrey as Tricia Jones) — A parody of Weapon X, a comic featuring Wolverine of the X-Men series. Various sex toys are seen on the cover while the Tricia character is sporting gloves with claws parodying Wolverine's. The book Boregasm is also featured.

• Legends of the Dork Knights (Jason Mewes as Jay) — A parody of Legends of the Dark Knight, a Batman comic. Both Jay and Silent Bob are featured along with Joe Quesada and Jimmy Palmiotti's creator owned character Ash (comic). Art by Joe Quesada.

• The Incredible Bulk (Ethan Suplee as Willam Black) — A parody of The Incredible Hulk. Willam's character is shown crashing through a wall, holding a Magic Eye poster titled "Sailboat". Art by Dave Johnson.

• Adventures of The Man (Stan Lee as Himself) — A play on "Stan the Man", with the word "Man" done in a similar font as on X-Men comics, also created by Lee. Stan's feet appear to be similar in design to the Spider-Man costume. Art by Chuck Frazier.

• The Fantastic Two (Priscilla Barnes as Miss Ivannah) - A parody of The Fantastic Four. On the cover are also Quint and Brodie.

• Angry Pop Comix (Michael Rooker as Mr. Jared Svenning) — Mr. Svenning is seen as an armor-clad warrior holding the skull of T.S. as Brandi stands in the background, shocked that he has added T.S. to his collection. Art by Ethan Van Sciver.

All of the covers can be viewed at View Askew website ^[3]

DVD

A special edition DVD was released in 1999 including 1.85:1 Anamorphic widescreen picture & 5.1 Dolby surround sound bonus features included

• Audio commentary with Director Kevin Smith, Ben Affleck, Jason Lee, Jason Mewes, Scott Mosier & Vincent Pereira
• Deleted Scenes
• Featurette-View Askew's Look Back At Mallrats
• Music Video-Build Me Up Buttercup by The Goops (Directed by Kevin Smith)
• Theatrical trailer

The Region 2 version of this special edition, presumably by error, also contains the complete DVD menus for Carlito's Way hidden on the disc.

The Version That Never Should have Been

In 2005 a tenth anniversary DVD was released. It features an alternate cut of the movie created specifically for the release, based on an early cut of the film. Included in the previously deleted footage is several different subplots that were cut out from the movie:

• An alternate opening scene, in which Mr. Svenning hosts a Ball for The Governor of New Jersey. In this scene, T.S. accidentally shoots the Governor on the roof of a school, which ends up costing Mr. Svenning his reputation as well as a big pay raise. This explains the reason why Svenning shows an intense dislike for T.S. and why Brandi is so intent on breaking up with him. This scene also makes no mention of Julie Dwyer's death, as the theatrical cut did.
• Included scenes where T.S. also makes it known to Brandi that he proposed to marry her.
• A scene in which Brodie and T.S. arrive outside of Mr. Svenning's home, and during the confusion, a newscrew records footage of Mr. Svenning doing martial arts in a bath-towel. (Some of this footage was re-edited in the theatrical release in different scenes.)
• A shot that shows the Quick Stop from Clerks.
• A new subplot of Brodie showing intentions of wanting to be on television, which explains his surprised look during his appearance on Truth or Date.
• An extended arrest scene in which La Fours wants to put Brodie and T.S. into jail for an extended period of time, rather than "overnight" when the pair were initially arrested.
• An extended fight scene between Brodie and Shannon Hamilton, in which Hamilton tells Brodie to forget Rene.
• An extended rant from Mr. Svenning, a result of T.S. making it slip that he intended to propose to Brandi.
• A scene after Truth or Date in which the Mr. Svenning demands to have T.S. and Brodie arrested, but instead he is the one who is arrested. It turns out that since Svenning was the producer of the show, he faces multiple FCC fines for Brodie's antics.
• An extended "Where are they now?" ending sequence, in which Mr. Svenning is revealed to finally get a job at the network as a janitor and a shot of Shannon Hamilton screaming after his rape in prison.
• A scene that showed Tricia Jones flirting and having sex with La Fours in order to distract him from catching Jay and Silent Bob. This explains the final segment in the 'where are they now' ending sequence, showing La Fours kissing Tricia during the book signing.

In addition, some of the dialogue had been re-dubbed in the theatrical release, but is restored in this version. (For example, the man who runs up to and is subsequently punched by T.S. outside the mall near the end originally asked if T.S. was the one who shot the governor, whereas in the theatrical cut, he asks T.S. if he was the one who broke up with Brandi Svenning.)

Soundtrack

The Mallrats soundtrack features many popular Alternative Rock bands from the mid-90's, including Bush, Silverchair, and Sponge.

Links to Smith's other films

• Clerks: The Lost Scene reveals that Mallrats takes place one day before Clerks.
• At the U.S. Route 1 Flea Market ("Dirt Mall"), as Brodie is looking through comics and explaining that T.S. used to be a "stand up guy", T.S. tries on a black cap that reads "Clerks". Standing next to Brodie and T.S. as the hat is tried on is Kristen Mosier, sister of producer Scott Mosier and former girlfriend of Kevin Smith. Smith has also noted on several occasions (including the Mallrats DVD commentary), that Kristen Mosier was the inspiration for Rene Mosier, Shannen Doherty's character. The Clerks hat in the scene is one of four made during the production of that film by Kristen (the hats can be seen frequently in Clerks production photos).
• Ethan Suplee plays Willam Black in this movie, a role originally played by producer Scott Mosier in Clerks. In the continuity of the View Askewniverse, Kevin Smith refers to this as the "Willam of Two Worlds" phenomenon, in reference to DC Comics's multiple universes.
• As in his previous film Clerks, Kevin Smith cast his childhood friend Walt Flanagan in multiple roles. In Mallrats, he appears as Walt Grover, the "Fanboy", and in an uncredited role as one of Svenning's construction assistants (wearing similar wardrobe to T.S.). Jay also remarks that La Fours is "faster than Walt Flanagan's dog" after he and Silent Bob are chased to the food court.
• Trish "The Dish" Jones (Renee Humphrey) is one of the three View Askew series' infamous "Jones sisters" (the others being "Heather Jones" from Clerks and "Alyssa Jones" from Chasing Amy).
• Brian O'Halloran, who played main character "Dante Hicks" in Clerks, plays cousin "Gil Hicks", one of the contestants on the Truth or Date game show at the end of the film. He would also play TV reporter Grant Hicks in Dogma, and TV Executive Jim Hicks in Chasing Amy.
• In episode three of Clerks: The Animated Series, the window of the pet store says Gerbils Gerbils Gerbils, just like the pet store in Mallrats. In that same episode, Steve-Dave and Fanboy make an appearance.
• At the end of the film, during the "Where are they now?" segment, Jay and Silent Bob are shown walking down a highway with an ape, named in the credits as Suzanne (the song played over the credits is "Susanne", by Weezer). This storyline is played out in the Jay and Silent Bob comics and is a major part of the Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back plot.
• The Eden Prairie Mall used in the film actually exists in Minnesota, but the film suggests that it exists in New Jersey. The mall is later referenced by Alyssa Jones in Chasing Amy.

Ties to New Jersey

• Rahway, New Jersey, is mentioned at the end of the film. Rahway State Prison is around 45 minutes from the area where Kevin Smith's movies take place. Rahway State Penitentiary is a prison in New Jersey, which is also where Scared Straight! was filmed.^{[citation needed]}
• At the beginning of the movie Brodie wears a shirt for Henry Hudson Regional High School, a school that Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes attended in Atlantic Highlands, New Jersey.^[4][5]
• Smith wanted to film the movie in Seaview Square Mall in Ocean Township, New Jersey, but filmed it at Eden Prairie Center mall in Eden Prairie, Minnesota instead due to lower production costs.^[6] Eden Prairie is later worked into View Askewniverse continuity in Chasing Amy.
• Menlo Park, New Jersey is mentioned in the easter bunny beating scene. The easter bunny is said to have assaulted Brodie and JT because they stated the "Easter Bunny in the Menlo Park mall was more convincing."

References

External links

• Mallrats at the Internet Movie Database
• Mallrats at View Askew Productions
• Official Universal Pictures site for the 10th anniversary DVD
• The Spoilers Alternate DVD Commentary of Mallrats

From Wikiquote

Mallrats is a 1995 film about two best friends who are both dumped by their girlfriends and seek refuge in the local mall.

Written and directed by Kevin Smith.

w:Brodie Bruce

• One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So I run into him a week later at the mall and he was buying another cat! And I said to him, "Jesus, Walt, what are you doing? You know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass, too. Why don't you knock it off?" And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy.

• Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent--I don't care which one--but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!

• Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for Sega.

• You're gonna listen to me? To something I said? Jesus, man, hasn't it become abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit? I mean, half the time I'm just talking out of my ass, or sticking my hand in it.

• [Modeling women's underwear] I would've been a sexy chick.

• You fuckers think just because a guy reads comics he can't start some shit?

• Waste not, want not.

• I love the smell of commerce in the morning.

• [speaking of T.S. and Brandi's love] You two are retarded for each other.

• Why don't they ever bring back or remake good shows, like "BJ and the Bear"? Now there's a concept I can't get enough of, a man and his monkey.

• Most of the time I'm just talking out of my ass, or sticking my hand in it.

• [about the break-up letter from Rene] Yeah, and she also said I had no dick. Which precedes the financial question, proving once more what women really look for.

• Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel? They're a little melty, but damn, are they exquisite.

• Women, always leaving you after you've had the crap kicked out of you.

• That's criminal. [shouts] That kid is back on the escalator again!

• You want me to rub it?

• [about Ivanna's Topless Fortune Telling] What can I say? I love tits.

T.S. Quinn

• How is it that I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi to Man of Steel coital debates with you in the food court?

• You're nothing but a lot of talk and a badge! (reference to The Untouchables)

• [referencing Trisha] How does that Jr. Masters in Johnson know about my proposal?

Jay

• Fly fatass, fly!

• [To Silent Bob] Where do you get these wonderful toys?

• What you need is a fatty-boom-batty blunt, and I guarantee you'll be seeing a sailboat, an ocean, and maybe even some of those big-titted mermaids doing some of that lesbian shit. Look at me, look at me, you sloppy bitch!

• [after hitting La Fours over the head with a baseball bat] Come, son of Jor-El! Kneel before Zod! Snootchie-bootchies. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

• Silent Bob here's an electrical genius. He won the science fair in eighth grade by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player using some chicken wire and shit. The motherfucker's like MacGyver--no, the motherfucker's better than MacGyver.

• [Shows a Hustler spread to Silent Bob] Dude, this one looks like your mom. [Silent Bob nods]

• [Explaining the details of Operation Drive By to Silent Bob] First you take a run at La Fours with a sock full of quarters. I'd do it, but I put my back out humping your mom last night. Nooch. Okay, you clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold. That's when phase two kicks in. I attack the structure Wolvie Berserk style, and knock out the fucking pin and bickety-bam! The motherfucker is rubble. Hence, no game show.

• Dude, you the mad chick magnet.

• [Explaining the details of Operation Dark Knight to Silent Bob] Okay, Lunch Box, let's try this again. We tie you to the roof and you jump off and sail like a Spitfire passing right over the arch nemesis La Fours. You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin. And when that's gone, the stage is trashed and we go smoke a bowl. You got it? Now get your fat ass up there. And dude, don't forget your helmet. Snoogins.

• [referencing Silent Bob] Human brown-eye here is a walking calamity. We're gonna have to take a pass on the stage-trashing business, otherwise he's liable to kill himself. Sorry, bro.

• That guy's faster than Walt Flanigan's Dog!

• [During gameshow] Do it Doug!

Rene

• Didn't I dump your ass this morning?

• Brodie, I have always taken you with a grain of salt. On your birthday when you asked me to do a striptease to the theme from Mighty Mouse, I said "Okay." When we were at that hotel prom night and you asked me to sleep underneath the bed in case your mother burst in, I did it. And even when we were at my grandmother's funeral and you told most of my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let it slide. [grabs Brodie by the ear] But if you think that I'm going to suffer any more of your shit with a smile now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious fucking disappointment.

Others

• Silent Bob: Adventure, excitement--a Jedi craves not these things.

• Various: [To Willam, regarding the Magic Eye puzzle he is struggling to unearth] Oh, a sailboat!

• Willam Black: When, Lord?! When the hell do I get to see the god damn sailboat?!

• Stan Lee: I think you need to get your friend some help. He seems to be obsessed with super hero sex organs. But he'll outgrow it.

Dialogue

Brodie: Listen to the sound of defeat in your voice man!

T.S.: Might that have something to do with the fact that I've been defeated?

[Brodie picks up a controller and continues a paused video game]

Rene: What the hell are you doing?

Brodie: Finishing my game.

Rene: No, you promised me breakfast.

Brodie: Breakfast? Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ's sake. It's only the second period and I'm up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Rene, but Hartford, "the Whale," they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime.

T.S.: What? Do you know that kid or something?

Brodie: I hope his pants get caught and a bloodbath ensues!

T.S.: What is with you today?

Brodie: Don't get me wrong, I don't wish the kid harm, but his mother should suffer that horrific ordeal so she'll learn how to manage her child!

T.S.: That's sort of a harsh lesson, don't you think?

Brodie: Man, there's not a year goes by--not a year--that I don't read about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid that could've easily been avoided had some parent--I don't care which one--but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!

Brodie: That kid is back on the escalator again!

T.S.: Would you leave it alone?

Brodie: What?!

Brodie: You have my Punisher War Journal #6, my copy of "Fletch" and the remote control to my TV. Now, I know it's going to be hard to give this stuff up because of it's sentimental attachment--

Rene: Sentimental attachment? Look, if I have any of that crap it's because you brought it over my house and left it there.

Brodie: Okay, then let's talk about coming up with a schedule for visitation rights.

Rene: For what?

Brodie: For the mall. I figure you can take the odd days, I'll take the even days and weekends. When there's any special feature like a sidewalk sale--

Rene: Brodie, Brodie--

Brodie: --or a boat show--

Rene: Brodie! I've always taken you with a grain of salt. On your birthday, when you told me to do a striptease to the theme of "Mighty Mouse", I said "Okay". On prom night at the hotel when you told me to sleep under the bed in case your mother burst in, I did it. And even during my grandmother's funeral when you told my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let that slide. [Grabs Brodie by the ear] But if you think I'm gonna suffer any of your shit with a smile now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious fucking disappointment.

Brodie: I took you shopping all the time!

Rene: You took me where you went shopping, you jerk! You think I care what store in that shit pit dirt mall has the latest Godzilla bootlegs? Do you call eating pizza in the same dive pizzeria every night eating out? Do I give a shit what two comic labels are crossing over characters, selling two editions of the book in varied-ink chromium covers?! I'm a girl, damn it! I wanna do girly things!

Willam: Brenda?

Rene: Dick!

Brodie: My grandmother always used to say "Why buy the cow, when you can get the sex for free?"

T.S.: She said that?

Brodie: All the time. Of course, she became a lesbian on her 60th birthday, but that's besides the point.

[Brodie is trying to get into the comic book store]

Brodie: Hey, what's going on in there?

Steve-Dave Pulasti: I was warned about you. Take it easy before I have you removed from the mall.

Brodie: Warned?! What the fuck are you talking about?!

Walt "Fanboy" Grover: Tell him, Steve-Dave.

Brodie: Fuck you, Fan Boy!

T.S.: Can you two testosterone-seething, he-man, comic book fans finish up with this display of tough guy back-and-forth? I have some questions that need answering.

[in elevator]

Brodie: What the hell gives at the cover boy?

Rene: None of your damn business, [slaps Brodie with shopping bag] but he'd probably kick your ass if he knew what you just pulled.

Brodie: Are you insane?! The guy looks like a date rapist! Is that my jacket?

Rene: Brodie, start the elevator.

Brodie: No! Not until you tell me what the deal is with you and the Sperminator out there! How long has this been going on!?

Rene: Since I finally mustered the good sense to send you packing! He's a much more suitable companion any day.

Brodie: Are you nuts?! The guy's pure testosterone! He's a walking hard-on just looking for a hole!

Rene: I'm in need of testosterone after babysitting you and your comic book collection! I forgot what real men were like!

Brodie: But you've had a lot of girls, right?

Stan Lee: Oh yeah. Lots of girls. Mick Jagger and I had a running tally going. Last I checked I was way ahead.

Brodie: Damn, that's hot!

Stan Lee: They look happy, don't they?

Brodie: What, the bras?

Kid 1: It's a schooner!

Willam: Ha ha! You dumb bastard. It's not a schooner, its a sailboat.

Kid 2: A schooner is a sailboat, stupid head.

Willam: [losing patience] You know what?! There is no Easter Bunny! Over there, that's just a guy in a suit!

Brodie: The usual vault rules apply: Touch not, lest ye be touched.

T.S.: You're such an anal retentive bastard.

Brodie: Hey, I tried to teach you how to handle comics in the sixth grade, but, oh, no. You wanted to play little league instead.

[T.S. notices something on a table]

T.S.: What's that?

Brodie: Like it? I framed it before you got here.

T.S.: Oh my God, Rene dumped you!

Brodie: Hell hath no fear like a woman scorned for Sega.

T.S.: Wow, look at this long list of complaints; no sense of direction, no college ambition, no job prospect--

Brodie: Yeah, and it also says I have no dick, but you'll see that follows the financial aspect which proves once more what women really look for in a guy.

T.S.: Whoa, she calls you callow in here.

Brodie: You say that like it's bad.

T.S.: Well, it means frightened and weak-willed.

Brodie: Really? Shit, that was the only part of the letter that I thought was complimentary.

T.S.: Well, you're lucky, because unlike you, I didn't get a letter with all those obscure adjectives.

Brodie: What are you talking about?

T.S.: I too now am in the framing business.

Brodie: Holy shit, Brandi dumped you. Wait a sec. Aren't you two supposed to be going to Florida together?

T.S.: Yeah, should've left this morning, but it gets worse; I was going to propose to her.

Brodie: Where?

T.S.: Universal tour.

Brodie: You're kidding! What part?

T.S.: When Jaws popped out of the water.

Brodie: That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.

T.S.: Too bad I'm not trying to marry you.

Brodie: Tell me, did you ever fart in front of her?

T.S.: [scoffs] Why do you ask?

Brodie: I never farted in front of Rene. Not once. Last week, I let one slip and today she dumps me.

T.S.: You think that's the reason she dumped you? C'mon, Rene's not the shallow type. You're not insinuating--

Brodie: She was going down on me at the time.

T.S.: Shut up.

Brodie: What? What can I say, I was feeling very relaxed, when I feel relaxed I squirt.

T.S.: If all she did was dump you, you got off light.

Brodie: I can't believe this shit. Why are we sitting here trying to figure out where we went wrong with our significant others?

T.S.: [sarcastically] I think we just nailed it in your case.

Brodie: No, there is something out there that can help us ease our simultaneous double loss.

T.S.: What? Ritual suicide?

Brodie: No, you idiot, the fucking mall!

T.S.: I prefer ritual suicide.

Brodie: Oh come on, man, it'll be great. They have these new cookies at the cookie stand. You have to try 'em, they're awesome.

Shannon: You wanna say something?

Brodie: Yeah. About a million things, but I can't express myself mono-syllabically enough for you to understand it all.

Brodie: Hey, look at that ring. What is that?

Jared Svenning: That is, um, my Junior College class ring. Cum Laude, '69.

Brodie: I also hope to cum loud one day, preferably in a 69.

Brodie: T.S. Quint, meet Tricia Jones. They call her Trish "the dish".

Tricia Jones: Nobody calls me that.

Tricia Jones: So I heard that you were going to propose to Brandi Svenning at some theme park. When are men going to learn that women want romance, not Mr. Toad's Wild Ride?

Brodie: Hey, now, be fair. Everyone wants Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

Brodie: Look, if I had any kind of glow it's because I just got laid. I would look the same had I banged anyone in that elevator... present company excluded.

T.S.: Deny it all you want. I think that you're too proud to admit that you want her back.

Brodie: I suddenly want something very bad to happen to you.

T.S.: What is with you today?

[Gwen suddenly approaches T.S. from behind and accidentally elbows her in her chest and she falls to the ground in pain]

T.S.: Gwen! I'm sorry, I didn't--

Gwen: You fucker!

[In retaliation, Gwen hits T.S. in the groin with her shopping bag and he goes down]

Brodie: See, that's what you get for fucking with me. [Gwen gets up and Brodie kicks T.S. while he's still down] Hey, Gwen. He didn't mean to hit you.

Gwen: He's got a funny way of showing it by elbowing me in my freaking tit. [she also kicks T.S.] Why the hell are you glowing?

Brodie: I'm not glowing.

[Silent Bob is trying to levitate a cigarette]

T.S.: What's he doing?

Jay: Shit Head here watched Empire and Jedi last week and ever since then, he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick. The crazy fuck thinks he can levitate shit with his thoughts.

[slaps the cigarette out of Silent Bob's hand]

Jay: Knock it off.

Brodie: The Force is strong with this one.

Jay: Dude, don't encourage him.

Brodie: So, I was just telling T.S. here that we needed to find Jay and Silent Bob. If there's anybody who can help us, it's the two guys who have even less to do than us.

Jay: What is this shit? Everybody's looking for us today. We're ducking Tricia 'cause she wants to talk to Obi-Wan here about a video setup.

Brodie: Why him?

Jay: Silent Bob's an electrical genius. He won the science fair in the fourth grade by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player using some chicken wire and shit. Motherfucker's like McGyver--no, motherfucker's better than McGyver! [he knocks the cigarette from Silent Bob's hand again] Knock it off!

T.S.: I got to hit the bathroom.

Brodie: Please. Don't say "hit"!

T.S.: But they're engaged.

Brodie: Doesn't matter, it can't happen.

T.S.: Why not? It's bound to come up.

Brodie: It's impossible. Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry his child?

T.S.: Sure, why not?

Brodie: He's an alien, for Christ's sake. His Kryptonian biological makeup is enhanced by Earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. But that would kill him.

T.S.: How is it that I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi to Man of Steel coital debates with you in the food court?

Brodie: Cookie stand isn't part of the food court.

T.S.: Of course it is.

Brodie: The food court is downstairs. The cookie stand is upstairs. It not like we're talking quantum physics here.

T.S.: The cookie stands counts as an eatery, eateries are part of the food court.

Brodie: Bullshit. Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs count as food court. Anything outside of said designated square counts as an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking. Now, if you're going to wax intellectual about the subject-- [notices Rene at the clothing store] Holy shit!

Brodie: (regarding Mr. Svenning) After all he's done to you, you should still kinda stick it to him.

T.S.: How do you propose I do that?

Brodie: You stinkpalm him.

T.S.: Stinkpalm?

Brodie: You take your hand and stick it in your ass like this. You been walkin' all day and you're nervous, so no doubt you'll be sweaty as hell.

T.S.: You should see yourself right now, a grown man with his hand down his pants.

Brodie: Yeah I probably look like my old man. So you shake hands with the guy, "Hello Mr. Svenning how have you been?"

T.S.: Whats the point?

Brodie: You know how long it takes for that smell to come off? Scrub all you want, it'll stick around for at least two days. How does he explain it to his colleagues and family? They'll think he doesn't know how to wipe his ass properly.

T.S.: Meanwhile you yourself are left with a hand that smells like shit.

Brodie: Small price to pay for the smiting of one's enemies.

Brodie: [about the indoor flea market] Come on, this is the dirt mall. Cops don't come here.

T.S.: Neither does any self-respecting consumer.

Ivannah: Free your minds.

Brodie: I'd like to free something.

Ivannah: Fuckus.

Brodie: That's what I was thinking.

T.S.: She said "focus".

Brodie: Whatever.

T.S.: [to Jay and Silent Bob] You two up for getting stoned?

Jay: Look who you're asking!

Rene: [about why she cries in the bathroom] Do you really wanna know?

Brodie: I asked, didn't I? I'm playing the role of concerned guy.

Shannon: Smart-ass ex-boyfriend! I've got two things to tell you. One: I don't like you. I see you every week in this mall. I don't like you shiftless layabouts. You're one of those fucking mallrat kids. You don't come to the mall to shop or work. You hang out and act like you fucking live here. Well, I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda.

Brodie: Is this what's known as motivated salesmanship?

[Shannon punches Brodie]

Shannon: Rene told me to leave you alone, but she's fucking clueless. The newly single always feel a bit protective of the ex-boyfriend.

Brodie: If this is her idea of protective, I'd hate to have her mad at me.

Shannon: You see, Bruce, I like to pick up girls on the rebound from a disappointing relationship. They're much more in need of solace and they're fairly open to suggestion. And, I use that to fuck them some place very uncomfortable.

Brodie: What, like the back of a Volkswagen?

Shannon: No. More like someplace girls dread.

[Brodie tries to take a poke at Shannon, but Shannon gives him another beat-down]

Brodie: You're giving up? You? You used to be stand-up guy, what happened to him? The guy who punched Amanda's gross-out mother after she called him "low class".

T.S.: That wasn't me. It was you.

Brodie: Oh, yeah.

T.S.: And it wasn't her mother, it was her grandmother.

Brodie: No wonder the bitch went down so fast.

T.S.: Jesus, how much did you smoke?

Jay: All it took was a phat, chronic blunt. These guys were lightweights.

T.S.: How much do I owe you?

Jay: My treat. As long as you promise that the next time you pop your old lady, you make her call you "Jay." Snootchie Bootchies.

T.S.: Let's hope there is a next time.

Gwen: [about when she had sex with Rick Derris] Besides, it was a Halloween party. Who else but you remembers shit like that?

Brodie: [walking up wearing panties over his jeans] I would've made a sexy chick!

T.S.: Hey, do you remember the Halloween party?

Brodie: [to Gwen] Could the the one where you fucked Rick Derris on a pool table?

T.S.: No one remembers shit like that?

Gwen: How is that you remember the most trivial events?

Brodie: I'll never forget it! How many times do you get to see Smokey fuck the Bandit?

Gwen: Didn't I look just like Burt Reynolds?

T.S., Brodie: [look at each other] Except for the mustache.

Jay: You're fucking kidding me! The Easter bunny did this?!

Brodie: All I said was that the Easter bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down.

Jay: He's fucking dead!

Brodie: Oh, let it go, he's under a lot of pressure.

[T.S. and Gwen approach them]

T.S.: What the hell happened?

Jay: The guy in the Easter bunny suit kicked his ass.

Brodie: I had it coming.

Jay: Fuck all that shit. Come on, Silent Bob.

[Jay and Silent Bob leave]

T.S.: What really happened?

Brodie: The proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a rain check into my stomach.

Gwen: Shannon Hamilton?

T.S.: You know that guy?

Gwen: I went out with him once after we dated. He tried to screw me some place very uncomfortable.

T.S.: What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?

Brodie: Sounds like his M.O.

T.S.: Haven't you ever heard the phrase "The customer is always right?"

Shannon: Let me tell you something. Let me give you a little secret, okay? [shouts in T.S.'s ear] The customer is always an asshole!

Brodie: You know about this game show they got going on here? We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen.

Jay: Is that it? We were gonna do that anyway.

Brodie: Really? Why?

Jay: What else are we gonna do? Silent Bob stole the schematics from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness just like the fucking Death Star. You knock this crossbeam out and fucking bickety-bam! The whole stage comes crashing down.

Brodie: Well we were thinking of something simple, but, hey, if you want to destroy the stage, we're all for that.

Brandi: Second suitor: if we were making whoopee--

Brodie: What's whoopee?

Brandi: Um, you know, if we were being intimate--

Brodie: What? Like fucking?

Brandi: Second suitor, would you ever make whoopee in public?

Brodie: Already did once today. [points to Rene and smirks] But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control. So he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, the hydraulics kick back in, and the plane rights itself. It lands safely and everyone puts their pieces or, whatever you know, away and deboard. Nobody mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.

[The audience is stunned speechless]

Gill: Well, did he cum, or what?

Brodie: Jesus Christ, man! There's just some things you don't talk about in public!

Brandi: Second suitor, if you could be any comic book superhero, which one would you be?

Brodie: [Impressed] Wow, that is a good question. Difficult, though; what does one gauge his response on? Physical prowess? Keen deductive skills? The ability to banter well with super villains?

Brandi: [Figuring out who he is] How's the comic book collection, Brodie?

Brodie: Oh, it's going good, but-- [T.S hits him] Oh, oh, comics? I don't collect comics! Comics are for kids!

Brandi: Suitor Number Three, what would our first date be like?

Gil' Hicks: Well, uh, first I'd take you shopping to stores you wanna shop in, and then we'd do a little lunch, probably at the Cheese Haus, followed by some golfing. And then at night, we'd take in an opera, probably Die Fledermaus, and then I'd follow it up with a drive to a secluded beach where I'd pop on the radio and we could slow-dance till the sun came up.

Brodie: That was the biggest load of crap I've ever heard! I mean, look at you. You're the kind of guy who would beg for sex. And I should know, we can smell our own.

Brandi: Suitor Number Three, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?

Gill: Definitely a jackhammer. I'm in there with some pressure, and when I'm done you're not the same as before. You're changed.

Brodie: Where do you come up with this shit?! That is the cheesiest response to an honest question I've ever heard! I saw you kiss and it wasn't even anything like that!

Gill: Who the hell did you see me kiss?

Brodie: Some dude backstage. I don't know who he was, but he seemed unimpressed.

Gill: I didn't kiss any guy backstage. I swear! I'm not gay.

Brodie: Hey, suitor-ette, this guy's a homo-phobe! You heard how repulsed he sounded! Is this the kind of guy you wanna spend a vacation with, this hate-monger?

Gill: I don't hate gay people!

Brodie: So you love them?

Gill: Yes! I mean, no.

Brodie: Textbook closet case. Self-loather. Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality.

T.S.: How easily do you quit? Say you wind up with one of us?

Brodie: Hopefully not Rush Limbaugh over here.

Gill Hicks: Well, now, I'm not like Rush Limbaugh.

Brodie: Well, why not? Because he's fat? Now you have something against fat people, too?

Shannon: That's it. You're dead, mallrat. I'm gonna fuck you up beyond repair!

Brodie: Ladies and gentlemen, this tall drink of water headed my way is a pillar of the shopping community who informed me earlier today of a nefarious plan of his to screw my girlfriend in an extremely uncomfortable place.

Gill: What, like the back of a Volkswagen?

[the videotape of Shannon back-dooring Tricia is playing on the big screen, with cheesy 70s porno music in background]

Shannon: Yeah, who's your favorite new kid? Yeah, call me Joey. Oh, come on. Don't make me get loose. Yeah, that's right. Call me Donnie. Oh, girl. Oh, please don't go girl.

Jay: God damn, This is one wacky game show.

Brodie: [to the cops] Hey! That girl's only 15!

[cops focus their attention on Shannon]

Shannon: Ah, 15? I thought she was 36! Come on, guys. Tell me you wouldn't have popped her.

[Brodie moves to hit Shannon, who is in police custody]

Police Officer: Hey! You can't strike a prisoner in police custody.

Brodie: Oh, come on, fellas! Just once.

Police Officer: Alright. But make it quick.

[Brodie punches Shannon in the gut]

Brodie: [referring to the tape of Shannon having anal sex with Trish] Did you see that shit? You call that romance?

Rene: I call that illegal.

Taglines

• They're not there to shop. - They're not there to work. - They're just there.

• Get Malled

• It's mall or nothing

• Superhero Anatomy! Topless Fortune Telling! Bunny Bashing! And More!

Cast

• Shannen Doherty - Rene Mosier
• Jeremy London - T.S. Quint
• Jason Lee - Brodie Bruce
• Claire Forlani - Brandi Svenning
• Ben Affleck - Shannon Hamilton
• Joey Lauren Adams - Gwen Turner
• Renée Humphrey - Tricia Jones
• Jason Mewes - Jay
• Kevin Smith - Silent Bob
• Ethan Suplee - Willam Black
• Stan Lee - Himself
• Priscilla Barnes - Miss Ivannah
• Michael Rooker - Mr. Jared Svenning

External links

Wikipedia has an article about:

Mallrats

• Mallrats quotes at the Internet Movie Database
• Mallrats at Rotten Tomatoes