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Married with Children
Married with Children.jpg
Married... with Children intertitle
Format Sitcom
Created by Michael G. Moye
Ron Leavitt
Starring Ed O'Neill
Katey Sagal
Christina Applegate
David Faustino
Amanda Bearse
David Garrison
(seasons 1-4)
Ted McGinley
(seasons 4-11)
Theme music composer Sammy Cahn
Jimmy Van Heusen
Opening theme "Love and Marriage",
Performed by Frank Sinatra
Ending theme "Love and Marriage"
Country of origin  United States
Language(s) English
No. of seasons 11
No. of episodes 260 (with 2 specials) (List of episodes)
Executive producer(s) Michael G. Moye (1987–1994)
Ron Leavitt
Richard Gurman (1994–1996)
Pamela Eells O'Connell
Producer(s) Barbara Blachut Cramer
John Maxwell Anderson
Camera setup Videotape; Multi-camera
Running time approx. 22 minutes
Production company(s) Embassy Communications (1987-1988)
ELP Communications (1988–1997)
Columbia Pictures Television (1988–1994)
Columbia TriStar Television (1994–1997)
Distributor Columbia Pictures Television (1991–1994)
Columbia TriStar Television (1994–2002)
Sony Pictures Television (2002–present)
Original channel Fox
Picture format 480i (SDTV)
Original run April 5, 1987 – April 20, 1997
Status Cancelled/ended
External links
Official website

Married... with Children or Married with Children is an American sitcom about a dysfunctional family living in Chicago that aired for 11 seasons. The show, notable for being the first prime time television series to air on Fox, debuted on April 5, 1987, and aired its final first-run broadcast on June 9, 1997. The series was created by Michael G. Moye and Ron Leavitt. The show was known for handling non-standard topics for the time period, which garnered the then-fledgling Fox network a standing among the Big Three television networks (ABC, CBS and NBC). The series' 11-season, 262-episode run makes it the longest-lasting live-action sitcom on the Fox network. The show's famous leitmotif is "Love and Marriage" by Frank Sinatra from the 1955 television production Our Town.

The first season of the series was videotaped at ABC Television Center in Hollywood. From season three to season eight, the show was taped at Sunset Gower Studios in Hollywood and the remaining three seasons were taped at Sony Pictures Studios in Culver City.

The series was produced by Embassy Communications on its first season and the remaining seasons by ELP Communications under the studio Columbia Pictures Television (and eventually Columbia TriStar Television). Part of Sony Pictures Television's library, it aired in syndication on FX in the United States from 1999 to 2008 and began airing on Spike and TBS in 2008, and on TV Land in 2009. It also airs on TVtropolis in Canada. On November 15, 2008 it began airing on The CW Plus. In January 2010, it began airing on Comedy Central.



The show follows the lives of Al Bundy, a once-glorious high school football player (who scored four touchdowns in a single game for Polk High School) turned hard luck salesman of women's shoes; his wife, Margaret "Peg" Bundy, a tartish, uneducated housewife with a large red bouffant hairdo, tight clothes, and funny walk caused by wearing high heels; Kelly, Al and Peggy's pretty, promiscuous, dimwitted daughter; and Bud, their unpopular, girl crazy, comparatively smart son (and the only Bundy who ever attended college). Their neighbors are the upwardly mobile Steve Rhoades and his wife Marcy, who later gets remarried to Jefferson D'Arcy. Most storylines involve a scheming Al being foiled by his cartoonish dim wit and bad luck. His rivalry and loathing of Marcy also play a significant role in most episodes.

The Bundys live at 9764 Jeopardy Lane[1][2], Chicago, Illinois and their phone number is 555-2878.[3]


The creators of the show named the "Bundy" family after their favorite wrestler King Kong Bundy, though some fans mistakenly believed that the name was derived from serial killer Ted Bundy.[4] King Kong Bundy once appeared on the show as Peg's hick inbred uncle Irwin, and again appeared as his wrestling persona, since "NO MA'AM" (National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood, a fictional club depicted on the show) were big fans of the wrestler.

Al Bundy

The head of the Bundy family, Alphonse "Al" Bundy (Ed O'Neill) is doomed to fail in all aspirations because of the "Bundy curse." Once a promising Fullback (American football)] for fictional Polk High School (his proudest moment in life was scoring four touchdowns in a single game), he was on his way to college on a scholarship until he impregnated his girlfriend, married her, broke his leg, and ended up a shoe salesman at "Gary's Shoes" in the "New Market Mall." Al often spends time attempting to recapture his glory days, but is usually undermined in spectacular fashion by bad luck and poor judgment. He considers his family to be the cause of his failures, and his resentment of them (and fear of having sex with his wife) provides much of the show's humor. However, Al is still devoted to them, given that he protectively beats up Kelly's boyfriends, once threatened a male stripper that "if my wife loses anything in your pants, so will you," once gave his entire paycheck to Bud to enjoy his 18th birthday at the "nudie bar," and holds down a lousy job to put food on the table (which, ironically, there is not much of in the Bundy household). Despite his yearning for "the touch of a beautiful woman," he always passes on those rare temptations, once explaining, "I actually kinda like my family."

He frequents "nudie bars" and strip joints with his friends. The only thing that seems to consistently put him in the mood for his wife is watching her do manual labor, which virtually never happens. It is mentioned in a Season 5 episode, aired in 1990, that Al is 43. Al has extremely severe foot odor, prefers the escapism of television and bowling over his dysfunctional family, and life of drudgery and starvation (as Peg refuses to cook, she claims that she is allergic to fire, despite the fact that she smokes) and is often seen in his trademark couch potato pose—seated on the sofa with one hand stuck under the waistband of his pants.

The foot odor is not his only health problem; once in 1993, he had a bad case of dandruff. He also has terrible teeth, as noted in the episode "Tooth or Consequences," where his extremely poor dental hygiene (green, black, bleeding, and fizzing teeth amongst them) leads to a trip to the dentist with typical bad luck results.

Al's favorite television series, the fictional Psycho Dad, was a source of joy and entertainment that Al seemingly, at times, wanted to emulate. He would hum the words to the theme song, and pretend to "shoot" his fictional gun while watching the show. Much like Al, "Psycho Dad" was tormented by his family, and was stated to kill his wife and get revenge on his children in the opening credits and during various fictional "airings" of the episode, though no video was ever shown. His other joys were Westerns, often John Wayne films, most notably "Hondo," until Peg's family ruined his recording of the movie by taping over it with a song dedicated to her. He has also referenced "Shane" when the clan ruined his enjoyment of that movie.

Al also has his "faithful" 1974 Dodge Dart that invariably had failed brakes, constant breakdowns and numerous other problems associated with its age. At the time of the fourth season at least, Al was still paying it off, despite it being well over 20 years old. By the eighth season, the Dart had passed one million miles. Al's Dodge actually appears to be a 1972 Plymouth Duster. After winning a game show, the Bundys added a Ford Mustang to their fleet.

The producers originally wanted to cast comedian Sam Kinison as Al Bundy. However, they ultimately chose not to, due to the profaneness of Kinison's comedy routines. Kinison would later play Al's guardian angel in the episode "It's a Bundyful Life," spoofing Frank Capra's It's a Wonderful Life. The producers also considered Michael Richards for the role.[5]

Peggy Bundy

Margaret "Peggy" Bundy (née Wanker - itself an obscene insult in British slang) (Katey Sagal) is Al's lazy, self-indulgent wife. She refuses to cook or clean the house, and prefers looking for new clothes to washing them. She does not even think of having a job. During the day, she likes to watch all the daytime talk shows, sitting on the beloved family couch, and eating tons of bonbons (without getting fat). Her favorite TV shows are Oprah and Donahue, but she also enjoys watching the Shop at Home Network. Peggy is a red head with a bouffant hairdo, and usually wears 1980s and 1960s-styled fashion with skin tight spandex pants and shirts, and (usually open-toed) Stiletto heels, which make her walk in a unique way. Peg was a cigarette smoker in early seasons, but soon quit. Late in the first season it is revealed she married Al on a dare although this might have been one of her sarcastic comments. In tune with Peggy's character, it was revealed in the fourth season that she did not graduate high school like she thought, failing to meet a half-credit in home economics. She got her diploma, but only by stealing Kelly's final exam, and tricking her into going to summer school. She continually spends what little money Al makes on everything from expensive clothes to useless junk, even stealing from her children to get extra cash.

Her maiden name is Wanker, and her family hails from the fictitious rural Wanker County, Wisconsin, where "As Einstein put it, everyone's relative." At Peg and Al's high school reunion, her rival muttered, "Peg... Peggy Wanker... don't bother to thank her." [6]

What is never made clear is how she managed to go to high school with Al when her parents apparently never left Wanker County.

Despite her inappropriate behavior, she generally appeals to men, including Al whenever she does work. Like Al, she would never cheat on her partner—but unlike Al, enjoys marital sex, despite constantly complaining about Al's endurance. She does not seem to mind her husband ogling other women, reading pornographic magazines, or going to strip joints—most likely because she does the same things herself with other men. Her enthusiasm has caused some of the male strip joints she visits to establish the "Bundy rule"—where women can no longer go into the back rooms to meet the dancers. During Season 6, Sagal became pregnant in real life and her pregnancy was written into the show. However, Sagal suffered a miscarriage, so in true Dallas fashion, the writers made the whole storyline into one of Al's nightmares. Sagal was pregnant again twice during the series' run, but instead of writing her pregnancies into the show, the producers either used camera shots from above the stomach, or wrote episodes without the character of Peggy, explaining her absence by having her set out in search of her missing father (who appeared in a few episodes, played by veteran comic Tim Conway), and only occasionally calling home.

The producers originally wanted Roseanne Barr to play Peggy Bundy,[citation needed] but she declined, and the producers cast Sagal, who came up with Peg's final appearance, wanting to satirize the TV housewives of the 1960s.[7]

Entertainment Weekly listed Sagal's role as Peggy for the Biggest Emmy Snub. Sagal currently acts in Sons of Anarchy.[8]

Kelly Bundy

Kelly Bundy (Christina Applegate) is the older child in the Bundy family, born on approximately November 27,1973 or sometime before February 19.[9] "Pumpkin," as Al often calls her, is a promiscuous bimbo and embodies the stereotypical "dumb blonde." She may have inherited her behavior from her mother, known as "The Big Easy" in high school. Kelly is very promiscuous, much to Al's dismay, and he becomes furious when anyone outside of the family makes fun of her for this.

During the series' run, Kelly became progressively more stupid. Initially, she was not the stereotypical dumb blonde bimbo she eventually becomes. In one episode, a flashback to Kelly's childhood reveals her to have been a prodigious reader until she banged her head during a road trip, instantly changing her personality to prefer focusing on her "shiny, shiny shoes." In the early seasons Kelly was smarter yet rebellious, and had more self-respect. The show hints at her amazing intrinsic intellectual ability, which only exhibits itself on those rare occasions when she is not preoccupied with her social status or men. For instance, she can predict the next number drawn on a roulette wheel, but only after letting her mind go blank. When properly motivated, she is able to solve complex mathematical equations, such as her calculation of the trajectory to shoot garbage bags into the D'Arcys' yard from a homemade catapult. It has been demonstrated that she can absorb a limited amount of information very well, but will forget something that she learned in the past once her limit is reached. Kelly is also known to display excellent hand-eye coordination when playing pool or performing archery.

Kelly's comedic function tends to include blatant displays of naïvete and ignorance, with the typical response by the family of willfully allowing her to remain ignorant. Bud, in particular, likes to sow misconceptions in her mind. For example, she asks Bud to help her with her book report on Robinson Crusoe, but ends up reviewing Gilligan's Island instead. Her family is surprised to learn that she earned her high school diploma in 1990—but when she receives her diploma through the mail after finishing summer school, she asks her mother to read it to her. She then worked as a model and waitress. She had become a bottle-blonde at an early age at her mother's encouragement after a boy at school liked a natural blonde more than Kelly. She is obsessed with boys, hair coloring, and the telephone.

Though she often pokes fun at her younger brother, Bud, for being under-developed, pubescent and constantly obsessed with girls, she usually seems to be proud of him whenever he manages to get an attractive date. On at least one occasion, she has also avenged Bud by humiliating a girl that humiliated him. Kelly is very fond of her pets, even when unable to sufficiently care for them. Buck, the family dog, who however, was generally considered to be Bud's, and she was the most upset when he died.

Her favorite comic strip is Garfield. Her less-than-stellar reading skills led to many comedic situations in which she would read the Garfield comic aloud, mispronouncing lasagne as "luh-SAG-nee." She also watches cartoons, such as Looney Tunes, under the impression that it is a nature show.

Tina Caspary was originally cast as Kelly, but after the original pilot was filmed, the show's producers felt that she did not quite fit the part, and so she was replaced by Applegate.[10]

Bud Bundy

Bud Franklin Bundy (David Faustino) is the second child, born on January 25, 1975. In the original pilot his name was going to be Ben.[11] In the first season, Bud is revealed to be in fifth grade, making him 10 or 11, but in subsequent seasons, he was aged to be within one year of Kelly, graduating high school in 1991.

He was named after Al's favorite beer, Budweiser. He believes himself to be attractive, sexy, and smooth, but often is typically caught in sexually humiliating scenarios. It is unclear when Bud lost his virginity (it's depicted that he may have bedded women as far back as age 14), but in the fourth season, it is mentioned that he is still a virgin. Later in the series, he manages to have one-night stands, including one with his cousin's fiancee, played by Joey Lauren Adams.

In season 1 he would frequently torture Kelly, even going so far as even blackmailing her for having fake I.D.'s.

He tries to get girls with the help of various alter egos, including street rapper "Grandmaster B"—a persona often ridiculed by his family. When Peggy's third pregnancy is revealed to be a part of Al's Dallas-style dream sequence it is implied that the Grandmaster B persona was a part of that dream.

Another alter-ego is "Cool Bud", Bud's sexual, suave side with which he eventually "merges", prompting him to become more "cool".

Of the Bundys, Bud seems to be the most ashamed of the family; he often pretends not to know them. Out of the four in the family, Bud is arguably the most academically able as he maintains a high grade point average throughout high school, then attends college later in the series. He ridicules Kelly as a promiscuous dimwit; although he quite frequently uses her ignorance to his benefit, he seems obliged to defend her when others exploit her foolishness. Bud is, however, known to scheme against his family members on occasion. In season eleven it is revealed that Bud suffers from tuberculosis.

He supports himself through a difficult science degree by being a DMV tester, once even retesting a certain man named "Al Boondy" (Al Bundy). He makes honor roll throughout high school. He earns a scholarship which the family accidentally spends; Al thinks the bank in which Bud deposited his check made a clerical error.

Bud is portrayed as the leader of his "social circle" (most of whom are stereotypical "losers"); however, they move on as they are successful in finding dates. Bud remains a loner until college.

Hunter Carson was originally cast as Bud, but after the original pilot was filmed, the show's producers felt that he did not quite fit the part, and so he was replaced by Faustino.[10]


Buck (played by Michael, trained by Steven Ritt[12]) was the first family dog, a Briard; voice-over by writer/producer Kevin Curran; on special episodes Buck is voiced by Richard "Cheech" Marin. From season eight on, Buck's voice was provided by staff member Kim Weiskopf. He is often "heard" by the audience through voice-overs that tell what is on his mind. Like the human Bundys, he is just as lazy, insulting and sarcastic to the rest of the family, making snide remarks about Kelly's intelligence and Bud's inability to find a date. In spite of this, Peggy dotes on him, sometimes even cooking for him. Though extremely lazy, Buck has a huge, insatiable sexual appetite, having at one point impregnated all the female dogs in the neighborhood.

Buck died at one point in the series to allow Michael, the dog that portrayed him, to retire.[13] Buck went to animal heaven, and was reincarnated as Lucky, a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. In later seasons, Buck/Lucky would occasionally serve as the narrator in the second half of a two-part episode, recapping the events of the first part.

Buck's last episode, No. 1003 "Requiem for a Dead Briard" ends with the following message on the screen: "Dedicated to Buck the Dog who with this episode begins a well earned retirement and hopefully a nice gig at stud. We'll miss you, Buddy, lift a leg. - The Producers."[14]

Retired at the age of twelve-and-a-half, Michael died about nine months later on May 28, 1996.


A character whose voice-overs were performed by staff member Kim Weiskopf, Lucky is the spaniel that the family gets after Buck dies. He is the reincarnation of Buck, but no one in the family ever realizes this.

Peggy's mother

Heard only in voice-overs by Kathleen Freeman and ground-shaking gags (making her an unseen character), she lives with the Bundys in Season 10, when she separates from Peg's father. There are vague and comical references to her gigantic weight, which is alleged to be more than 1,000 pounds. This woman is mostly the victim of Al's abrasive, behind-the-back insults.

Peggy's father (Ephraim Wanker)

Ephraim Wanker, Peggy's father, was played by Tim Conway, appearing occasionally in the last three seasons. It is implied that he was a drunk and held a shotgun to Al's head at Al and Peggy's wedding. He calls Peggy by her full name, "Margaret". Unlike many other sitcoms with the father-in-law usually disapproving of the husband who married his daughter, Peg's father approves of Al so much that he held a gun to Al's head to force him to follow through on the marriage. Al had drunkenly proposed to Peg, although Ephraim implied in "The Joke's on Al" that the gun was not loaded at the time. Ephraim, like his wife, was set to be played by Divine, who died before production.[15]

Marcy D'Arcy

Marcy D'Arcy (played by Amanda Bearse), Marcy Rhoades from episodes 0101–0512, is Peggy's best friend, Al's nemesis, and the family's next door neighbor. Though she considers herself to be better than the Bundy family, Marcy often sinks to their level. She originally worked as a loan officer at the city bank (in a higher position than her husband, Steve) and then as the manager of the Kyoto National Bank since the second season. But for a brief time, she was demoted to drive-up window teller as punishment for approving a loan Al could not repay (in fact the purpose was to make Al able to repay a previous loan approved by Steve, but Al instead turned this loan into his "shoe hotline" project as well, and lost it too). She wins back her old job after "frugging" on her boss's desk for 20 minutes, clad only in a slip, while the other drive-up window tellers tossed quarters at her. Marcy has stated that she holds a Bachelor's degree double majoring in business and economics.

Initially, Marcy was a sweet, wholesome newlywed, but years of living next to the Bundys apparently warped her into a character almost as outrageous as them. She contemptuously bickered with Al, and reveled in his misery. One of the reasons for her hatred of Al is his chauvinistic and misogynistic view of women. Marcy seemed to have a disturbing dark side, and enjoys sharing her past memories with Peg, but often tends to get lost in them. At various points in the series, she is identified as a Republican who looks down on the lower-class Bundy clan, but is also a feminist and environmentalist. Al's most frequent targets are Marcy's tiny chest and her chicken-like stance when she gets annoyed. In season 6 Marcy claimed she was pregnant though this was later written out of the show. Marcy had a loud, piercing laugh, which she usually displayed whenever Al suffered some misfortune. Though she would often make disparaging remarks about Kelly and Bud she did not seem to hold the contempt for them that she did for Al, possibly because she realized that the Bundy children could not help their behavior due to their upbringing.

One of the running gags in the series has Marcy often mistaken for a young boy, on one occasion even being mistaken for Bruce Jenner, and on another occasion for "The kid from Home Improvement," probably Jonathan Taylor Thomas; when she reminisces about her first training bra, Al asks "How old were you then—twenty five?!" Despite wanting to appear prudish, Marcy is shown to be a very sexual person, and is revealed to have a rather sordid sexual history, such as the "Little Bo Peep and the Cop" game.

Marcy often relives past moments in her life as well as routine experiences (such as going to the dentist) by telling stories and describing them in a sexual manner.

Although Marcy and Al are usually adversaries, they often unite in common causes, such as later when Jefferson comes into the series. Their teamwork is attributable to the fact that they are both "bread-winners," giving them occasional moments of mutual understanding.

Steve Rhoades

Steven "Steve" Bartholomew Rhoades (David Garrison) is Marcy's first husband. Much like the name "Bundy" the creators chose the surname "Rhoades" after professional wrestler Dusty Rhodes, a good-guy character who worked opposite bad guys like King Kong Bundy. He is a banker who seems unfazed by his lower position than Marcy at the city bank. (When Marcy moves up to a high position at another bank, he gets her former job.) Steve initially condescends to the Bundys, but eventually becomes more like them, and generally turns to Al for male-bonding. Marcy was initially attracted to him because of his self-centered materialism.

Steve seemed to be a fairly demure and buttoned-down character, compared to his wife and the Bundys, although he did show a dark side. As a banker, Steve took sadistic pleasure in humiliating people who bullied him in high school by making his former tormentors (many of whom were stuck in poor, dead end jobs similar to Al's) grovel for bank loans, which he flatly refused. Steve eventually gets a job as Dean of Bud's college by blackmailing the man who employed him as a chauffeur.

Steve was written out of the show in the middle of the fourth season; Garrison had decided he no longer wanted to be tied down to a weekly television series, preferring to avoid being typecast in one role, and devote more time to his first love: stage acting. He reached an agreement with Fox to buy out the remainder of his contract. In the final episode shot (though, confusingly, not the final episode aired) in which he was a regular character, Steve is disenchanted with his and Marcy's yuppie lifestyle, and is increasingly interested in becoming an outdoorsman (a real-life interest of Garrison's). He then disappears, with the explanation that he left Marcy to become a forest ranger at Yosemite National Park. Prior to disappearing he loses his job at the bank, after, in desire to win a free trip to Hawaii, he approves a loan for Al's "shoe hotline" project which fails. His last job was as a "pooper scooper" at an exotic pet shop. In later seasons, Garrison would reprise the Steve Rhoades character on four occasions, returning to guest star in individual episodes (with Steve having pursued other careers in the meantime), as he eventually returns to professional life to become the dean of Bud's college. This episode was to be the pilot of a spin-off series that never happened.

Jefferson D'Arcy

Jefferson Milhouse D'Arcy (Ted McGinley) is Marcy's second husband (original age unknown, but younger than Marcy; one episode mentioned that he celebrated his 40th birthday), a "pretty boy" who marries her for her money. Self-centered and lazy, he is a male equivalent of Peggy. Marcy met Jefferson after a bankers' convention when she got drunk, and found herself married to him the next morning; she was horrified to find out that her name was now Marcy D'Arcy (Episode 92, "Married...With Who?"). He is Al's closest friend, and often angers Marcy when he is bonding with him; unlike Steve who was more of a foil, or straight man, to Al, Jefferson tends to be very encouraging and attuned to Al's behavior. Marcy constantly bosses Jefferson around to keep him in check. However, behind her back, Jefferson often insults Marcy, ignores her orders (and has implied numerous times that he cheats on her). When Marcy's favorite squirrel Zippy dies, Jefferson tells her that he will give it a proper burial, only to punt it out of his sight when Marcy turns around.

Jefferson is a member of "NO MA'AM" along with Al, wearing the trademark t-shirt, but he always keeps a clean "YES MA'AM" t-shirt on underneath, which he quickly reveals if Marcy is about to bust one of "NO MA'AM"'s activities. He seems very afraid of provoking his wife's anger, and his fear is justified—in one episode, after he angered Marcy, she kicked him in the behind so hard he had to go to the hospital to get her boot removed from his rectum. But in spite of his fear of her wrath, he constantly engages in activities that he surely knows she would not approve of.

Marcy constantly hounds Jefferson to get a job. However, on the rare occasions when he actually gets one (working at the shoe store, being cast as an actor in a commercial, working as a bartender, working as an aerobics instructor, working at an auto repair shop in some menial position, etc.), he usually ends up working with beautiful women, which prompts a jealous Marcy to make him quit and return to his de facto job as her gigolo. This tendency runs in the D'Arcy family, as Jefferson's father also worked as a gigolo, and his mother worked as an exotic dancer before she was eaten by her snake at an airport.

He is easily the most financially-scheming character of the show—even more than the Bundys. Often, when Al stumbles into a unique lucrative opportunity, Jefferson typically persuades Al to take advantage of it. When Al was robbed in his shoe store, Jefferson convinced him to sue the mall while feigning psychological trauma. When Al discovered hidden shoes that he stocked away in the 1970s, Jefferson convinced him to use the shoes as a new gimmick for the store by taking advantage of the old shoes' popularity. When discovering Al's boss, Gary, was using illegal sweatshops to manufacture the shoes, Jefferson assists Al in a search for incriminating evidence. When Bud was involved in a romantic relationship with the (surprising to the characters) female Gary (played by Janet Carroll), Jefferson convinced Al to permit the relationship, so Al can milk Gary out of her money through his son. After discovering that they were in possession of private pictures of Shannon Tweed in sexually provocative manners, Jefferson convinced Al to sell it to the media. During a rare time in which Al is struck with good luck, Jefferson persuades him into a high stakes poker game with a group of ex-criminals. Jefferson also convinced Al to go home to have sex with his wife, so Al could win a radio contest.

During the course of the series, it is revealed that Jefferson spent time in prison for selling contaminated land as a vacation spot to several people, including Al. He also used to be in the CIA and still has connections there. For example, he was able to go to Cuba and meet Fidel Castro to get a part for Al's Dodge and got NO MA'AM a meeting in front of Congress about the cancellation of "Psycho Dad". Occasionally, people claim to have seen him on The Love Boat and Happy Days (a reference to McGinley having starred in both shows towards their end of their original broadcast runs), but Jefferson always denies this.

Ted McGinley had appeared previously as Peggy's husband, Mr. Norman Jablonski, in the second part of It's a Bundyful Life, where Al's guardian angel (Sam Kinison) shows Al what his family would have become if he was never born. The episode lightly parodies Capra's It's a Wonderful Life.

Recurring characters

  • Griff (Harold Sylvester) – First appears early in Season 9, and is a friend and coworker of Al at the shoe store. He is also a member of Al's "NO MA'AM" organization. A divorcee, he shares many of Al's characteristics as far as work ethic and views on women go. However, Griff isn't quite as impolite and outspoken to their customers, or to their boss, Gary. He is also less callous; occasionally he feels uneasy when going along with one of Al or Jefferson's many schemes. Griff drives a GEO Metro with vanity plates reading 'PO BOY', and is often mocked for this. However, Griff is happy because it is still more reliable than Al's 1970s Dodge, though Griff did mention a fond memory of being a passenger in the Dodge, while he and Al tried run over Griff's ex wife (she was able to out run the Dodge). Al says Griff's car is easier to push. When Bud and Griff first met, Bud said Al never mentioned having a coworker, and Griff said Al never mentioned having a son, a daughter, or a living wife, but had already annoyed him with all the times he mentioned scoring four touchdowns in one single game.
  • Bob Rooney (E. E. Bell) – One of Al's friends from the neighborhood, and treasurer of "NO MA'AM." He works as a butcher, has a wife named Louise (who is a friend of Peggy), and played on the same football team as Al at Polk High. He is always called by both his first and last name, even by his wife, and it is spelled as one word on his bowling shirt. Bell was the only member of the extended cast to spend a lot of time on the Usenet newsgroups fielding questions from viewers.
  • Officer Dan (Dan Tullis, Jr.) – A friend of Al's who is also in "NO MA'AM." Surprisingly, though he is part of "NO MA'AM," he often arrests them for their illegal antics. However, he does admit to his friends that he is a corrupt officer, which indicates he does help out the group now and then. In one of the times he was about to arrest them, he changes his mind and joins them when he learns they're trying to bring back "Psycho Dad". Though he was usually a cop, in season 6 Officer Dan arrives at the Bundy front door as an FBI agent looking for Steve Rhoades.
  • Ike (Tom McCleister) – Another member of "NO MA'AM" and another friend of Al's. He is the Sergeant at Arms of the organization. He works as an auto mechanic and has a wife named Frannie. Somewhat insecure, he believes Elvis is still alive. The character was named after producer Kim Weiskopf's best friends's son.[5]
  • Miranda Veracruz de la Hoya Cardinal (Teresa Parente) – Latina local news reporter originally from "a country named after the equator" who is typically assigned to cover the pathetic news stories in which the Bundys inevitably involve themselves. She often laments the sad state of her career on air. While she only appears in a handful of episodes throughout the series, the character seems to be quite popular with fans.[citation needed]
  • The Wankers – Peggy's family, living in Wanker County ("The home of the big gassy possum"), a fictional Wisconsin county. They are more often mentioned than seen on camera. Peggy's mother is never shown (though she is heard in several episodes in Season 10, voiced by Kathleen Freeman), but her father Ephraim (Tim Conway) appears in a few episodes also in Season 10. Mrs. Wanker's unbelievable obesity is the subject of many jokes, including one in which Al goes blind after accidentally walking in on her bathing. Other extended family members who have appeared on the show include Uncle Otto (James "Gypsy" Haake), Uncle Irwin (Chris Pallies (King Kong Bundy)), the Wanker Triplets (Milly de Rubio, Elena de Rubio, Eadie de Rubio), Cousin Possum Boy (John Gerard), Cousin Effie (Joey Lauren Adams), Cousin Eb (William Sanderson), Cousin Zemus (Bobcat Goldthwait) and his wife Cousin Ida Mae (Linda Blair), along with their six-and-a-half-year-old son, Seven (Shane Sweet). When Peggy hears Al encouraging Kelly to get a job, she mentions a tradition of the female Wankers of having men being buried earlier for having to keep them.
  • Gary (Janet Carroll) – The owner of Gary's Shoes and employer of Al. Gary's first appearance in the series came in Season 9 after Al turned her women's shoe store into a men's, assuming Gary was male and therefore wouldn't notice. (Al never saw Gary in the first twenty years he worked in the store, leading him once to doubt that Gary really existed) Gary is incredibly wealthy (she would have been in the Forbes 400, but only reached #401 because of the shoe store—her only failing business venture). In the first appearance she said she owns, among other things, men, prompting Al to offer himself; she then points out that she said "men." Over the course of the series she makes several more appearances, always to the chagrin of Al, and in one episode even becomes the Sugar Momma of Bud, much to the chagrin of those who still thought she was a man; however, she became too possessive, leading Bud to break up with her, as he puts his dignity over her money.
  • Luke Ventura (Ritch Shydner) – A coworker at the shoe store early in the series in Season 1. He was a sly womanizer who was always seducing beautiful women and stealing Al's sales. Peg hated him while Al tolerated him. He disappears from the show after the first season, but is mentioned again in the ninth season episode "Pump Fiction," when Al learns from the shoe industry publication "Shoe News" that Luke is being given an award. Though he was portrayed to be a friend of Al's in the beginning of the series, after his disappearance, he had been spoken of as if he had since become Al's rival.
  • Aaron Mitchell (Hill Harper) – The second coworker of Al's at the shoe store. A young football star at Polk High, he is on the verge of marrying a wonderful woman and going to college, achieving everything that Al ever wanted. Al chooses to live his life vicariously through Aaron, until his misguided advice accidentally drives the boy to a shrewish woman named "Meg" (a young copy of Peg) and the same dismal fate which had befallen Al. Aaron appeared only in the eighth season (5 episodes).
  • Dexter (Chi McBride) – He was the third coworker with Al in Gary's Shoes who appeared in one episode. He was injured and almost killed when a fat woman fell on him during a shoe fitting.
  • Ariel (Jennifer Lyons) – One of Bud's love interests who appeared in Seasons 9 and 10. She is the quintessential dumb blonde, sporting blonde hair, large breasts, skimpy outfits and a high-pitched voice. She is not very smart and Bud is constantly thinking of new ways to con her into having sex with him.
  • Psycho Dad (Andrew Prine) – A fictitious character and television show on Fox, that Al and the members of "NO MA'AM" (except for Griff) idolize. The show was abruptly cancelled after complaints from women's group due to its high content of violence. "NO MA'AM" went to Washington D.C. to have Psycho Dad put back on the air but were unsuccessful.
  • Shoe Woman: A recurring character who has a masculine appearance. Though only in a handful of episodes, this character is well known for her phrase, "I need shoes!". In season nine we find out that she works at the bowling alley Al and his friends go to on a Thursday, making a humorous variation of her catchphrase, "You need shoes!", to a barefoot Al. The catchphase is said in a fast-paced, masculine voice. The same actress appears in the episode "Kelly Knows Something" as "Max", another game show contestant.
  • Amber (Juliet Tablak) is Marcy's niece who appeared in Season 8. Amber's mother sent her to live with Marcy to get her out of her bad L.A. neighborhood. Bud managed to bed her on their first encounter (and presumably more so in the following week) and tries relentlessly to bed her again, but to no avail. After Season 9, Amber disappears without explanation. However, she does appear to demonstrate an attraction to Bud (remarking to Kelly in private that she thinks he is cute). Bud may have simply lost his attraction towards her when she destroyed his cyber sex simulators of her in the episode, User Friendly. Only appears in 4 episodes.
  • Seven (Shane Sweet) Peggy's cousins (played by Bobcat Goldthwait and Linda Blair) drop off their six-year-old son and leave him behind for the Bundys to take care of. He appeared on the seventh season of Married in a handful of episodes, then disappeared without any explanation other than a quick mention by the D'Arcys that he showed in their house and won't leave. They claim they want to rename him, and possibly begin taking care of him, but that's the last time he is referred to. He was an extremely unpopular character with the fans.[16][17][18][19] However, in season eight, in the episode "Kelly Knows Something," Kelly is studying for a trivia show. As she learns new information, you visually see her forgetting other things. One thing that "pops out of her head" is an image of Seven. There is a scene where a carton of milk is held up at the Bundys' breakfast table and a picture of Seven is shown on the carton under the heading "Missing" but the Bundys don't seem to notice, or care.
  • Father Guido Sarraduchi (Don Novello)

Fox broadcast history

Date Time slot
April 1987 – October 1987 Sunday, 8:00 p.m.
October 1987 – July 1989 Sunday, 8:30 p.m.
July 1989 – August 1996 Sunday, 9:00 p.m.
September 1996 – October 1996 Saturday, 9:00 p.m.
November 1996 – June 1997 Sunday, 7:30 p.m.


see also List of Married... with Children episodes


Married...With Children was originally debuted in off-network syndication distributed by Columbia Pictures Television (now Sony Pictures Television) starting in the fall of 1992. The series later aired on FX from September 1998 until 2007. In June 2002, FX became the first television network to air the controversial, previously-banned episode "I'll See You in Court", albeit in an edited format. The fully-uncensored version of "I'll See You in Court" can only be seen on the DVD release Married With Children: The Most Outrageous Episodes Volume 1. The version found on the Third Season DVD set is edited. In 2008, the Spike network reportedly paid US$12 million for broadcast rights to every episode including the unedited version of the infamous episode, "I'll See You in Court".[20] However, the version that Spike aired is still not as complete as the version found on Married With Children: The Most Outrageous Episodes Volume 1. The series started airing on Spike TV on September 29, 2008 with a weeklong marathon. TBS also began airing the show shortly after, acquiring the show in fall 2008 to run in the early morning hours, it currently runs for three hours on TBS during the early morning hours. TV Land picked up the rights to broadcast the show from its MTV Networks sister Spike in August 2009. A few of the episodes are available on YouTube between season 1 and 11. Comedy Central began airing the show on February 8, 2010; Comedy Central acquired rights to air the series from TV Land, who in turn, had earlier acquried the rights to the series from Spike. All three cable channels are owned by Viacom.[21]

Nielsen ratings

1989–1990 Season: #50

1994–1995 Season: #64

1995–1996 Season: #78

1996–1997 Season: #97


Casting Society of America:

  • 1987: Best Casting for TV – Episodic Comedy (nominated)

Emmy Awards:

  • 1987: Outstanding Lighting Direction (Electronic) for a Series (for "But I Didn't Shoot the Deputy", nominated)
  • 1988: Outstanding Lighting Direction (Electronic) for a Comedy Series (for "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun", nominated)
  • 1989: Outstanding Editing – Multi-Camera Production (for "Requiem for a Dead Barber", nominated)
  • 1990: Outstanding Costuming for a Series (for "Raingirl", nominated)
  • 1990: Outstanding Editing – Multi-Camera Production (for "Who'll Stop the Rain", nominated)
  • 1991: Outstanding Costuming for a Series (for "Married... with Aliens", nominated)
  • 1994: Outstanding Costuming for a Series (for "Take My Wife, Please", nominated)

Golden Globe Awards:

  • 1990: Best Actress – Musical or Comedy Series (Katey Sagal for playing "Peggy Bundy", nominated)
  • 1990: Best Series – Musical or Comedy (nominated)
  • 1991: Best Actor – Musical or Comedy Series (Ed O'Neill for playing "Al Bundy", nominated)
  • 1991: Best Actress – Musical or Comedy Series (Sagal, nominated)
  • 1992: Best Actor – Musical or Comedy Series (O'Neill, nominated)
  • 1992: Best Actress – Musical or Comedy Series (Sagal, nominated)
  • 1993: Best Actress – Musical or Comedy Series (Sagal, nominated)

Controversy and edited content

One episode of Married... with Children was "lost" due to the efforts of a Michigan housewife (see below); it did, however, air outside the United States since the show went into syndication. Another edited episode involved Al trying to sell his Dodge before he is contacted by a Dodge representative wanting to record the moment when the odometer on the Dodge reaches all zeros (1 million miles) was also the source of controversy after the September 11th attacks. After meeting various people, Al is approached by two men dressed in all white tunics, holding a bundle of dynamite attached to an alarm clock. The men declare "Look, we have no time to haggle; we need car and directions to Sears Tower". Another episode, the unaired pilot, was never shown on TV. However, it leaked online in 2008.

Rakolta boycott

In 1989, Terry Rakolta, a homemaker from Bloomfield Hills, Michigan, led a boycott[22] against Married... with Children after viewing the episode Her Cups Runneth Over – 0306.[23] Offended by the images of an old man wearing a garter and stockings, the scene where Steve touches the panties of a mannequin dressed in S&M gear, a homosexual man wearing a tiara on his head (and Al's line "...and they wonder why we call them "queens"), and a woman who takes off her bra in front of Al (and is shown with her arms covering her chest in the next shot), Rakolta began a letter-writing campaign to advertisers, demanding they boycott the show.

After advertisers began dropping their support for the show and while Rakolta made several appearances on television talk shows, Fox executives refused to air the episode titled I'll See You In Court – 0310.[24] This episode would become known as the "Lost Episode" and was aired on Fox on June 18, 2002, with some parts cut. The episode was packaged with the rest of the third season in the January 2005 DVD release (and in the first volume of the Married...With Children Most Outrageous episode DVD set) with the parts cut from syndication restored.

During the first boycott, ratings for Married... with Children ironically rose due to interest in the show caused by Rakolta's crusade to have the show cancelled (a non-Internet example of the Streisand effect). The increased number of viewers kept the show on the air until 1997.

Rakolta has been referenced twice on the show: Rock and Roll Girl – 0414,[25] when a newscaster mentioned the city Bloomfield Hills, and No Pot To Pease In – 0909,[26] when a television show was made about the Bundy family and then was canceled because (according to Marcy) "some woman in Michigan didn't like it".

Change in tone

During the earlier seasons, the show was more of a realistic view of a working-class family, in contrast to the other family sitcoms of the era, where everyone's problems are solved in a half-hour and the kids all go to college, etc. Later on, Married... became, as O'Neill said, "more cartoonish and broad", and was no longer a commentary on the nuclear family.[citation needed]

DVD releases

Sony Pictures Home Entertainment has released all eleven seasons of Married... with Children on DVD in Regions 1, 2, & 4.[27]

DVD Name Ep # Release dates Additional Information
Region 1 Region 2 Region 4
The Complete First Season 13 October 28, 2003 April 7, 2004 October 25, 2005 Reunion special and Bonus trailers; Trailers not included on Region 4 set
The Complete Second Season 22 March 16, 2004 October 26, 2004 September 22, 2008 13 Hidden Easter Eggs featuring Interviews With the Cast
The Complete Third Season 22 January 25, 2005 February 10, 2005 September 22, 2008 Easter Eggs and Previews
The Complete Fourth Season 23 August 30, 2005 December 22, 2005 September 22, 2008 Bonus previews; 7 Syndicated/Edited Episodes. German region 2 sets feature unedited episodes.
The Complete Fifth Season 25 June 20, 2006 June 27, 2006 September 22, 2008 Bonus previews
The Complete Sixth Season 26 December 19, 2006 August 17, 2006 September 22, 2008 Bonus previews
The Complete Seventh Season 26 September 18, 2007 October 5, 2006 September 22, 2008 Bonus previews
The Complete Eighth Season 26 March 18, 2008 December 19, 2006 October 22, 2008 Bonus previews, minisodes
The Complete Ninth Season 28 August 19, 2008 February 20, 2007 October 22, 2008 Bonus previews, minisodes
The Complete Tenth Season 27 March 17, 2009 March 20, 2007 March 11, 2009 Bonus previews
The Complete Eleventh Season 24 October 13, 2009 May 8, 2007 March 11, 2009
Married with Children – The Complete First Season DVD cover.

For the most part the episodes on the North American DVD box sets are the unedited versions as seen on the Fox network, however there are some instances where scenes have been cut or the syndicated version of an episode was placed on the DVD instead. This is most noticeable in Season 4, where 7 of the 22 episodes have some type of edit. The German region 2 Season 4 set uses non-syndicated versions of these episodes, although the Dutch and French sets have the syndicated versions.

The region 4 sets were delayed by three years from the release of the complete Season 1, until the release of Season 2. Sony released the region 4 editions from seasons 2–9. The DVDs are varied from the American counterparts, with some episodes intact, while others are syndicated versions. This is apparent on the Season 4 DVD, where Disc 1 contains non-syndicated episodes (differing from the Region 1 set), however Discs 2 & 3 contain the syndicated versions of some episodes.

The DVD box sets from Season 3 onward do not feature the original "Love and Marriage" theme song in the opening sequence. This was done because Sony was unable to obtain the rights to the theme song. It is highly unlikely that the theme song will return in any yet to be released DVD box set.[28]

The replaced theme song was the cause of the syndicated versions of seven episodes in Season 4, as Sony falsely claimed did not have access to the original masters of these episodes, and had to use syndicated prints. This is proved wrong since they used the originals from Season 4 in "Most Outrageous" DVDs that contained some episodes. As the end credits had to be altered to credit the new theme song, certain scenes that originally ran during the end credits had to be replaced with a freeze frame. In most episodes affected, the original audio plays in the background while you see a freeze frame, however in a few cases a freeze frame is used, but the original audio is replaced with the theme song. The final season is expected to be released in the near future.[29]

In the German speaking countries (Germany, Austria, Switzerland) all seasons have already been released (region 2). In December 2007 the Big Bundy Box—a special collection box with all seasons plus new interviews with Sagal and David Faustino—was released.[30] This boxset was released in Australia (Region 4) on December 3, 2008. The Australian release contained seasons 1–9 with two extra spots for seasons 10–11.[31]



In Argentina a remake has been done under the name of Casados con Hijos. The show aired in 2005 and although it wasn't successful at first (mainly because of an inconvenient broadcast time), it was aired again during summer and it got one of the highest ratings of the year and because of that, a second season has been done for 2006. The characters are Pepe (Guillermo Francella), Moni (Florencia Peña), Coqui (Darío Lopilato) and Paola (Luisana Lopilato), all under the "Argento" surname. It should be noted that the show's reruns had higher ratings than when the episodes were first aired.


In Armenia a remake made in 2009, with the name Բնակարան N2 (Bnakaran N2) (Apartment #2)[32]. It was aired on H2. Parents in Armenian family, Gayané "Gayan" and Tigran "Tiko" live in apartment #2 with their children. After first season, the plot changed dramatically, and second season already has very little to do with the original.


A Guerra dos Pintos (War of the Pintos) was the title of the Brazilian remake. It ran for a short time on BAND before it got cancelled in 1999 due to poor ratings. Many episodes were left unaired. The Brazilian Bundys were called "Pintos" (hence the name of the series). Pinto translates to dick in Portuguese, and is also a common Brazilian surname. The Pintos lived in Rio de Janeiro. Al's equivalent, "Zé Pinto," was a shoe salesman just like Al, and he was a former soccer player as Al was a former football player. Peggy equivalent was named "Neide Pinto," Kelly named "Kelly Pinto" and Bud was "Joca Pinto" in the series. They also had a dog named Cachorro (which means dog in Portuguese). Their neighbours, the "Fialho's," were based on the Rhoades, not the D'Arcys. The storyline was exactly the same as in the early original version.


In Chile, a remake was made in 2006 and 2007, with the name Casado con Hijos, and it has been getting higher ratings, beating soap operas broadcasting in the same hour. The show was broadcasted daily. The characters were Alberto "Tito" Larraín (Al), María Eugenia "Quena" Gómez de Larraín (Peggy), Ignacio "Nacho" Larraín (Bud), and Titi (Kelly). Their neighbors are Marcia Durán (Marcy) and Pablo Pinto (both Steve Rhoades and Jefferson D'Arcy).


In Colombia Caracol TV produced a remake named Casados con Hijos in 2004–2006. The characters are "Paco" Rocha (Al) played by Santiago Rodriguez, "Lola" (Peggy) played by Lorna Paz, Willy (Bud), and Kelly (Kelly).

This version airs weekdays in the United States on MTV Tr3́s, an American MTV network aimed at Latinos, with English subtitles.


The Croatian version of the show is called Bračne vode (Marriage waters). It premiered on Nova TV in September 2008. The family is called Bandić. The characters are Zvonimir "Zvonko" Bandić (Damir Lončar), Sunčica "Sunči" Bandić (Mila Elegović), Kristina "Tina" Bandić (Sonja Kovač) and Boris "Bobo" Bandić (Vid Mekinić). Their neighbours are Marica (Jadranka Đokić) and Ivan "Ivica" Kumarica (Igor Mešin). Sunči and Zvonko are 17 years in marriage. They have got two children, older Tina and younger Bobo. They are always fighting. Sunči is lazy. She likes to make jokes, mostly about Zvonko and their sex.

After the bad ratings of the 1st season, the network Nova TV decided to give the show one more chance, which included some changes, mostly in the cast. The core role of Zvonimir "Zvonko" Bandić was re-cast with the much suiting actor Hrvoje Zalar and the role of Kristina "Tina" Bandić was recast with a newcomer Mirela Videk.


After the original series' success in Germany, the German TV channel RTL produced 26 episodes of Hilfe, meine Familie spinnt (English: Help, my family is bonkers). The scripts and every single joke were translated. The show wasn't picked up for a second season due to bad ratings (1993). The dubbed version of the original show was called "Eine schrecklich nette Familie" (English: a terribly nice family).


In 2006, Hungarian TV network TV2 brought the license rights including scripts and hired the original producers from Sony Pictures for a remake show placed in Hungarian environment. It was entitled Egy rém rendes család Budapesten[33] (in English: Married with children in Budapest, loan translation: A gruesomely decent family in Budapest). The main story began with the new family called the Bándis inherit an outskirt house from their American relatives the Bundys. They filmed a whole season of 26 episodes, all of them being remade versions of the plots of the original first seasons. It was the highest budget sitcom ever made in Hungary. First it was aired on Tuesday nights, but was beaten by a new season of ER, then placed to Wednesday nights. The remake lost its viewers, but stayed on the air due to the contract between Sony and TV2. ([34][35][36])


There is a sitcom called Świat według Kiepskich (The World According to the Kiepscy), which is sometimes compared to Married... With Children. Basis for this comparison was set by the creators of Polish sitcom by entitling it similarly to the title under which Married... With Children was aired in Poland - Świat według Bundych (The World According to the Bundys). There are so many differences between the American original and Świat według Kiepskich that it can't be regarded as a direct remake, but only loosely inspired by the original.


The Original Married... With Children ran on DTV for almost three years, on a daily basis, broadcasting the episodes from seasons 1–10. The show later aired on Domashniy TV. However, for unknown reasons, most episodes from season 11 were not shown. A Russian adaptation, titled Счастливы вместе (Sсhastlivy Vmeste) (Happy Together), is now airing on TNT channel across the country.[37][38]

This adaptation is very faithful to the original series and only a few episodes were not adapted, mostly for technical reasons (e.g. Wabbit Season wasn't adapted because in the remake the Bukins live in an apartment and therefore don't own a yard) or differences in mentality (e.g. The Legend of Ironhead Haynes). The England Show trilogy and two of the three backdoor pilots (Top of the Heap and Radio Free Trumaine) were not adapted neither. The episode T*R*A*S*H was rewritten from scratch.

The character names are: Gena Bukin (based on Al, played by Viktor Loginov), Dasha Bukina (based on Peggy, played by Natalya Bochkareva), Sveta Bukina (based on Kelly, played by Darya Sagalova), Roma Bukin (based on Bud, played by Aleksandr Yakin), Elena and Anatoliy Poleno (based on Marcy and Jefferson D'Arcy, played by Yulia Zaharova and Pavel Savinkov), Evgeniy Stepanov (based on Steve Rhoades, played by Aleksey Sekirin), Sema Bukin (based on Seven, played by Ilya Butkovskiy), Baron Bukin (based on Buck and Lucky, played by Bayra).

Instead of living in a house, the Bukins live in an apartment on the top floor of a small building, and the Stepanovs/Polenos live in the apartment in front of theirs. Prior to the series' beginning, the Bukins could buy off a part of the building's attic for extra rooms, so apart from the lack of a cellar, the lack of a backdoor, a garage in a separate building instead of being adjacent to the house, and a balcony used instead of the yard, the layout of Bukins' flat looks like the Bundys' house. The apartment is in a mess from some fixes in the house which were never finished, and in the show's early episodes an unfortunately placed construction site outside allowed people (and Baron, the family dog) to go in and out the Bukins' apartment by the balcony.

As a major change, instead of disappearing like Seven after a few episodes, Sema stays with the Bukins until the end of the series, and the often bizarre explanations for his absence from events the whole family should attend became a running gag. Also, the family dog Baron doesn't die and reincarnate, he remains the same until the end of the series. The episode Requiem For The Dead Briard was however adapted, with Baron being sold to a rich person by Sema instead of dying.

The last name of the main characters, Bukins, is derived from the Russian word "buka", which refers to a socially inept person. The first neighbor couple, Elena and Evgeniy Stepanov, are named after married Russian comedians Evgeniy Petrosyan and Elena Stepanenko. The last name of the second neighbor couple, Poleno, means "log", which spawned some wood-based nicknames for both Elena and Anatoliy, to which Anatoliy often responds "Not this. It's Poleno, as in 'Anatoliy Poleno'".

In April 2008, the producers announced all episodes of Married... With Children have been adapted as Schastlivy Vmeste (including all the episodes from the seldom seen 11th season) and an online contest was started where fans could submit new ideas for episodes.[39]. Starting from the 31 December 2009, the show resumed its run with an initial order of 60 new episodes, the order might be doubled based on the viewers' response[40]. According to the episodes' opening credits, some of the new episodes are co-written by original Married... With Children writers, mostly Katherine Green.


Originally it was aired at public channel "La 2." The Spanish TV network Cuatro created a Spanish version called Matrimonio con Hijos (Marriage with Children). It was cancelled after only one season due to the lack of quality and poor scripts.

United Kingdom

A remake titled Married... For Life was shown on the ITV network but made no great impact, perhaps because of the questionable use of wholesome family comedian Russ Abbott in the lead role of Ted Butler or because the original had already been shown in the UK (albeit in a late evening slot). Oddly considering the UK's long history of raunchy comedy on TV, the UK version was considerably toned down in terms of sexual content in relation to the original.


  • Married... with Children was adapted into a comic book series by NOW Comics in 1990.
  • The episodes Top of the Heap, Radio Free Trumaine, and Enemies were meant to be spin-offs.
    • Top of the Heap[41] was the only episode of the three to get its own show. It was notable as an early sitcom starring Matt LeBlanc. The show was about Vinnie Verducci (played by LeBlanc) and his father Charlie (played by Joseph Bologna) always trying get rich quick schemes. The Verduccis were introduced in an earlier episode where Vinnie dated Kelly Bundy, and Charlie was introduced as an old friend of Al Bundy's. The end of the pilot episode shows Al breaking into their apartment and stealing their TV to replace the one he lost betting on Vinnie in a boxing match. However, the show didn't last long and was ultimately cancelled. It had its own spin-off called "Vinnie and Bobby" a year later which was also canceled.
    • Radio Free Trumaine was to be about Bud Bundy's time in college with the campus radio station, with Steve Rhoades as the antagonistic Dean. The episode co-starred Keri Russell.
    • Enemies was a Friends clone, featuring Alan Thicke, based around Kelly Bundy's social circle.
  • In addition to those three spin-offs, a spin-off about Kelly Bundy was planned but never made for two reasons: Christina Applegate turned it down, and Fox's contract stated that the two Bundy children couldn't get spin-offs. Also, series co-creator Michael G. Moye proposed a NO MA'AM spin-off, but got turned down mainly due to Fox's fears of alienating much of the female demographic.


  • United States: It ran on Fox for its eleven year run but it has also appeared in syndication reruns on other channels. Sony Pictures Television currently owns the rights to the series. Since September 2008 rights to air the series on cable have been split between MTV Networks (Spike TV, TV Land and Comedy Central have all aired the series) and TBS. Previously, FX had exclusive rights dating back several years. All episodes from seasons six and seven along with some episodes from season five and eight are available to view for free on Sony owned Crackle, along with several Minisodes.

Married...with Children has also been a ratings success in other countries around the world.

Country Foreign title Translation Network(s) Notes
 Australia Married...with Children None Network Ten
Nine Network
Reruns of the show run four times during week at 10pm and three episodes are shown from 9am Sunday on the cable network TV1. Original episodes aired on the Ten Network and later on the Nine Network. (Ten aired the show as a filler late weeknights before it was picked up by Nine and put into its Primetime schedule.)
 Argentina Married...with Children Subtitled Sony Entertainment Television
 Austria Eine schrecklich nette Familie
(An Awfully Nice Family)
Dubbed ORF The show aired from March 6, 1995 until March 18, 1998 on the Pubcaster ORF. It started airing again on July 13, 2007, weekdays.
 Belgium Married...with Children Subtitled VTM, Eén, Ketnet, VT4 The show is currently running on the commercial network VTM and has previously been aired on the public networks Eén and Ketnet and the commercial network VT4.
 Brazil Um amor de Família
(A Lovely Family)
Sony Entertainment Television
Has been running (on and off) since 1991 on different national channels. Today the show runs on Sony Entertainment Television with original sound and subtitles, the dubbed version runs on PlayTV.
 Bulgaria Женени с деца
(Married with Children)
Dubbed bTV
Fox life
The show ran its all seasons on bTV with Bulgarian dub. It was repeated on Fox life. It is currently airing on Diema with different dub, and on GTV with same dub as Fox.
 Canada Married...with Children Global Television Network
Original episodes aired on the Global Television Network. The show ran for a short period of time on CMT during 2006–2007 and aired on TVtropolis from 2007 until late 2009.
 Chile Married...with Children Subtitled Sony Entertainment Television Today the show runs on Sony Entertainment Television and it was aired on Mega, a national channel.
 Croatia Bračne vode
(Marriage Waters)
Subtitled HRT
RTL Televizija
Fox Life
The show runs on RTL Televizija and Fox Life. It was originally aired on Croatian Radiotelevision (HRT) in late 1990s.
 Czech Republic Ženatý se závazky
(Married with Liabilities)
Dubbed TV Nova
TV Prima
The family name is "Bunda," which means "coat" in Czech. The show was first aired on TV Nova and then reran on Prima TV several times.
 Denmark Vore værste år
(Our Worst Years)
Subtitled TV3
 Dominican Republic Casado con Hijos
(Married with Children)
Dubbed Telesistema 11
 Estonia Tuvikesed
Subtitled Kanal 2 Broadcast after midnight on Kanal 2
 Finland Pulmuset
Subtitled MTV3
Originally shown by MTV3, currently being rerun on Nelonen.
 France Mariés, deux enfants
(Married, Two Children)
Dubbed M6
The show has been seen on M6 since 1989. It also runs on the cable channel Comédie! since 2002.
 Germany Eine schrecklich nette Familie
(An Awfully Nice Family)
Dubbed RTL
It first ran from 1992 on RTL ("RTLplus" at that time), moving to ProSieben for the final 51 episodes, ending in 1997. It currently airs two episodes a day Monday-Friday on Kabel1[42]. The show runs in a constant loop. It runs Season 1–11 and then starts all over again.
 Greece Παντρεμένοι με παιδιά
(Married with Children)
Subtitled ANT1
Mega Channel
Macedonia TV
Has been on and off the air in ANT1 channel from the nineties onwards, while Mega Channel provided the last 2 seasons never played from ANT1. The show has seen many reruns, currently airing from Macedonia TV for the 4th time on that channel.
 Hungary Egy rém rendes család
(A gruesomely decent family)
Dubbed TV3
RTL Klub
Viasat 3
The show has ventured from channel to channel over the years, from the now-defunct TV3 through RTL Klub to Viasat 3, where it is occasionally repeated. A cable television called CoolTV airs 3 episodes each day.
 Ireland Married...with Children None RTÉ Two
Paramount Comedy
Shown on RTÉ Two and on the UK's Paramount Comedy. In the '90s it aired on the UK's Sky1.It disappeared in the early 2000s. Very recently on RTÉ One it appeared early January 2007 on a Late Thursday Night/Early Friday Morning at 4am and showed two episodes each time. It disappeared off of the schedule in late April 2007. It's not currently showing on Irish television.
 Israel נשואים פלוס
(Married Plus)
Subtitled Bip Since 2006 the show can be seen on HOT cable television, in the channel Bip, channel 4. A shoe store in Herzliya named itself Bundy Shoes (though the shop in the series is Gary's). In the past the show was shown on Channel 2, Channel 3 and Channel 6.
 Italy Sposati ... Con Figli
(Married ... With Children)
Dubbed FX It is nowadays on air, on satellite Sky, Channel FX.
 Kazakhstan Счастливы вместе
(Happy Together)
NTK The Russian remake of the show, Счастливы вместе, is currently being shown on NTK (Independent Television Channel) every weekday night from 8:00–9:00.
 Lithuania Vedęs ir turi vaikų
(Married and has children)
Dubbed TV3
TV6 Lithuania
The show periodically runs on TV3 and TV6 Lithuania.
 Mexico Married...with Children Sony Entertainment Television
TV Azteca
Runs on Sony Entertainment Television and ran on and off on TV Azteca.
 Netherlands Married...with Children Subtitled RTL7 The show is currently being broadcast on RTL7.
 New Zealand Married...with Children None TV2
Sky TV
Ran for many years on TV2, now on Sky TV.
 Norway Bundy
Subtitled TV3
Viasat 4
Originally (some ten years ago on TV3) aired as Våre verste år (Our Worst Years), the show is now called Bundy and is currently in reruns after midnight every day except weekends on TV3. Is also shown daily on Viasat 4.
 Peru Matrimonio con Hijos
(Marriage with Children)
Sony Entertainment Television
The show runs on TV 13 – RED GLOBAL from Monday to Friday at 8:00 p.m.
 Poland Świat według Bundych
(The World According to Bundys)
Voice overed Polsat The show was aired many times on Polsat, and it is still on air there today. Its popularity spanned a sitcom with similar premise made by Polsat, Świat według Kiepskich (The World According to Kiepscy).
 Romania Familia Bundy
(The Bundy Family)
Subtitled Antena 1
As of November 2009, it runs weekly, from Monday to Friday on Antena 1
 Russia Счастливы вместе
(Happy together)
Dubbed TV6 (Russia) NTV
The Original Married... With Children ran on NTV for almost three years, broadcasting most of the episodes from seasons 1–10. The show later aired on TV6 and the "Domashniy Channel." However, for unknown reasons, most episodes from season 11 were not shown. After being pushed into a late night schedule, the show has been dropped entirely in favour of the current Russian remake, titled Schastlivi Vmesti ("Happy Together.")
 Serbia Брачне воде / Bračne vode
(Marriage Waters)
Dubbed (Season 1)
Fox televizija
Fox Life
Married... With Children ran on Fox televizija for three years. Season 1 was dubbed, while remaining seasons were subtitled since dubbing is not popular in Serbia. The show still airs on Fox Life, all seasons with subtitles only.
 Singapore Married with Children None Star World Married with Children is currently on air every Monday to Friday during the minisodes.
 Slovenia Družina za umret
(Family to die for)
Subtitled Kanal A The show was aired in the early 90s and it will be aired again starting March 6, 2009
 Slovakia Married...with Children Dubbed TV Markíza The show is being run with the Czech dubbing on TV Markíza (due to the huge similarity of the Czech and Slovak language there is no special need for a Slovak dubbing).
 South Africa Married...with Children M-Net The original series ran on the pay channel, M-Net.
 Spain Matrimonio con hijos
(Marriage with Children)
Dubbed TVE2
Canal 300
The original series were a classic that ran for a decade in the public national channel TVE2. Recently the Spanish TV channel Cuatro did a remake of the original series under the name Matrimonio con Hijos.[43] In Catalonia, the show also ran in Catalan as Casats... i amb fills on TV3 and is currently running on the DTT channels Canal 300 and Sony Entertainment Television en VEO.
 Sweden Våra värsta år
(Our Worst Years)
Subtitled TV3
The title is a pun for the title of the long-running soap opera Days of our Lives called Våra bästa år which is Our Best Years. The show has been running repeatedly on the Kinnevik-owned channels TV3 and ZTV since the start of the show and with repeated reruns. After several years off the air, it returned in 2006 as a part of TV6's launch schedule.
 Turkey Evli ve Çocuklu
(Married...with Children)
Star TV
The show ran on TRT 2 in the 80s, the making its second run on Star TV and aTV in 90s, CNBC-E with subtitles and currently on e2 in 2000s.
 United Kingdom Married...with Children None ITV4
The show first aired regionally on ITV between 1988 and 1996, usually late on a Friday night or in the early hours on Saturdays, where it built up a cult following. The then regional structure of ITV meant that people who were able to pick up more than one ITV region could often watch more than one episode a night. From 1996 to 1997 the programme transferred to Sky1 and later aired on ITV2 from 2004 to 2006. It recently appeared for a time on ITV4 and has been shown on cable comedy channel Paramount since 1999. The show does not currently air on UK television.
 Ukraine Щасливі разом
(Happy Together)
Novij Kanal The Russian remake of the show, Счастливы вместе, is currently being shown on Novij Kanal (New Channel) every weekday night from 9:30–10:30.
 Latvia Precējies , ir bērni Latvian Language TV3
TV6 (Latvia)
 Venezuela Casado... con Hijos, Married...with Children Venevision, Sony The show aired from 1994 to 1998 on Venevision. The show still airs on Sony

See also


  1. ^ Episode: "The Godfather", 1991
  2. ^ Episode: "England Show: Wastin' the Company's Money", 1992
  3. ^ Episode: "Poke High", 1988
  4. ^
  5. ^
  6. ^
  7. ^
  8. ^ "25 Biggest Emmy Snubs: 19)Katey Sagal—Married With...Children". 2009-07-22.,,20300978_20301043_7,00.html. 
  9. ^ As noted in "Peggy Turns 300," where Kelly says her birthday is in February, but erroneously refers to herself as an "Aquarium" instead of an (Aquarius).
  10. ^ a b "Married… with Children". E! True Hollywood Story. E!. 2001-08-26.
  11. ^ [1]
  12. ^ Sheepdogs—Buck
  13. ^ The E! True Hollywood Story: Married... with Children
  14. ^
  15. ^ Kaltenbach, Chris (March 24, 2009). "Frances Milstead, mother of Divine, dies at 88". The Baltimore Sun.,0,1439792.story. Retrieved 2009-03-31. 
  16. ^
  17. ^
  18. ^
  19. ^
  20. ^ 'Married' set for Spike run. Variety, April 6, 2008.
  21. ^
  22. ^,28804,1651341_1659192_1652601,00.html Married... With Children The 100 Best TV Shows Of All Time
  23. ^ Bundyology—Episode "Her Cups Runneth Over"
  24. ^ Bundyology—Episode "I'll See You in Court"
  25. ^ Bundyology—Episode "Rock and Roll Girl"
  26. ^ Bundyology—Episode "No Pot to Pease in"
  27. ^
  28. ^ [2]
  29. ^
  30. ^ Big Bundy Box Released
  31. ^ [3]
  32. ^ [4]
  33. ^
  34. ^ In Hungarian
  35. ^ In Hungarian
  36. ^ In Hungarian
  37. ^ Still Married, With Children, but in Russian—New York Times
  38. ^ (Russian) "Счастливы вместе : ТНТ". 
  39. ^ (in Russian)
  40. ^ (in Russian)
  41. ^—Top of the Heap
  42. ^ Eine schrecklich nette Familie
  43. ^

External links


Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

Married... with Children (1987 - 1997) was an American sitcom, airing on the FOX network, about a dysfunctional family living in Chicago.


Season 1

Pilot [1.1]

Al: Let me tell you something. No woman tells Al Bundy what to do.
Woman: Hey you. Get my shoes.
Al: Yes, Ma'am.

Al: I'm gonna hate these people.
Peg: You will not hate them. They are very nice.
Al: If they were nice, they'd be dead and I'd be at the game.

Thinnergy [1.2]

Al: Oh honey, that again. Come here a second, will ya? Let me tell you something. Now just 'cause I don't go to bed with you doesn't mean I don't love ya. I mean, let's face it, even if you were beautiful — like that girl on TV — I'd still ignore ya. 'Cause you're my wife!

Al: Your wife gave my wife a book, now my life is hell.
Steve: Ah... Thinnergy.
Al: Yeah, that's the one. Does Marcy hate me that much?
Steve: Well yes, Al, she does.

But I Didn’t Shoot the Deputy [1.3]

Marcy: Look, we know Bela can be loud and annoying, and the whole neighborhood hates his guts, but at least he's a good protector.
Bud: Mom, that's just what you say about Dad!

Marcy: [about their dog] Steve, is he really dead?
Steve: Yes, dear.
Marcy: How do you know?
Steve: Well, number one: he didn't respond to any of my commands... And number two: his brains are in the begonias.

Whose Room Is It Anyway? [1.4]

Al: Oh, sure, our rights are not important? Anything a woman says is fine with us? Gee, when did men become such losers? It used to be so great to be a man. Women were there to please us. They'd look after the kids and we'd go out and have a good time. That's the natural order of things. What happened, Steve?
Steve: Well, Al...
Al: I'll tell you what happened, Steve. Somebody told women they should start enjoying sex, too. That was the beginning of the end. Now they like it, but it's work for us. Everything's work for us. It's this equality thing, it's killing us. You know who I blame?
Steve: The French?
[Al nods in agreement.]

Al: I know the perfect room. A pool room for you and me.
Steve: I don't know. I think we should get a room we both like.
Al: Well, she's got one. She's got the kitchen!

Have You Driven a Ford Lately [1.5]

Steve: It's not just a car, honey — it's a piece of history. A 289 with dual carbs and a pony interior.
Marcy: Steve, where did you learn to talk like that?
Steve: Come on, honey. After all, I was a guy before I met you.

Al: Steve, let's go for a ride in the Mustang. Just sit and look coolly out the window and we'll pretend these [gesturing at their wives] are our mothers.

Sixteen Years And What Do You Get [1.6]

Al: [Reading the title of a book he was given] "My Partner. My Wife. My Life." My God.

Peggy: So where's my anniversary gift?
Al: Oh, um, it's out in the car. I'll get it. [goes out to the garage, tries to start the car and comes back inside] Happy anniversary.
Peggy: A can of motor oil?
Al: 40 weight, and a road flare. Bless our happy home.

Married… Without Children [1.7]

Al: You are the biggest — by the way, do you have cable?
Steve: No.
Al: The biggest IDIOT I've ever met.

The Poker Game [1.8]

Lisa: No! Look, you don't seem to understand me. I want something that goes with this dress.
Al: A bubbling cauldron?
Lisa: You've got a lot of nerve.
Al: I need it to get this close to your feet.

Peg: Oh, another fishing catalog. What am I looking at, Al? The apron that says, "He catches 'em, I cook 'em. He eats 'em, I love him"?
Al: Nah, you'd wear it, but you wouldn't mean it. No, I was talking about the five-and-a-half-foot meteor-graphite bait casting rod, with the high-speed star drag level wind reel.
Peg: [with mock excitement] Yippee skip! And a mere 275 dollars. Oh, Al, let's buy it. We can do without food and heat for a year.
Al: [surprised] You wouldn't mind?

Peggy Sue Got Work [1.9]

Al: Now remember, kids, this is your mother's first day at work. She's probably a little nervous, a little insecure. So when she comes down those stairs I want everyone to stand behind her like a family — and try not to laugh.

Al: [to Peg] You can't have a VCR.
Marcy: What gives you the right to make that decision?
Al: Because the name on this check says "Al Bumby." [looks closer] Al Bumby? Well, that's not important. What's important is that I can cash it — maybe — because I earned it, and that's the bottom line.

Al Loses His Cherry [1.10]

Luke: [to Al] The day Luke Ventura can't help a friend is the day he has something better to do.

Al: Luke, how can you go around and sleep with every woman you meet?
Luke: I don't know, but I do.

Nightmare on Al’s Street [1.11]

Peg: I thought you liked the Cubs.
Kelly: I do. I just hate watchin' them from the roof on that apartment building where Dad always gets the seats.
Peg: Well, honey, maybe some day they'll forget about that fan interference call that kept the Cubs out of the World Series and let Daddy back into the stadium.
Kelly: I hope so. It looks so stupid with just us and the Pulaskis doin' the wave.

Peg: In the sixteen years I've been married to Al I've learned there are certain things never to ask for. Never approach him for sex during Wide World of Sports, unless women's gymnastics are on, then you got a shot. Never approach him for sex in the morning; he thinks that is just disgusting. And never ever tell him he's right.
Marcy: Why?
Peg: Because he's a man, Marcy. And the only thing uglier than a man who thinks he's right is Al. Believe me, I know this from experience.

Where’s the Boss [1.12]

Peg: It's not every year Kelly gets promoted to the next grade.

Kelly: All right, who put this ad in the paper? "Cheap blonde, sixteen, looks thirty, seeks job out of state. No reading or writing, please."

Johnny Be Gone [1.13]

Al: Kelly, when I was a kid, there were lots of parties I wasn't invited to. I showed up anyway. I stood there with a big smile on my face and said, "I'm here." and headed right for the food. Sure, they didn't want me there, but I had a great time. And if they didn't, so what? The point is if you want to be there, be there. Even if they hate you. You're a Bundy. Start acting like one.

Marcy: How long does it take to dry a dress?
Peg: In the machine's defense, Al fixed that too.
Al: I have an announcement: "Shut up."

Season 2

Poppy's by the Tree: Part 1 [2.1]

Lady: Anything else I can do for you?
Peg: Al, maybe she can bend down again and pick up your tongue.
Al: Peg, just stand there and age. I'm busy.

Poppy's by the Tree: Part 2 [2.2]

Al: Oh, only my loving family. Now I'm wondering why I'm running FROM the axe.

If I Were a Rich Man [2.3]

Steve: They think back: "Let's see... who was the last person in the bank on Saturday? Who had the opportunity? Why, it was Rhoades. No wonder he called in sick today. Well, let's turn down his car loan and give him twenty years to life". Of course I'll turn you in, and as soon as we're both behind bars, I'm going to kill you. And if I can't do it myself, I'll make sure my boyfriend's bigger than yours.

[The radio plays during a view of the empty Bundy household.]
Announcer: In the news: a redheaded woman and her two children attempted to jump from the roof of the Sears Tower this evening. Authorities eventually managed to talk them down, crying hysterically. When asked what her problem was, all the woman said was, "Shoes! He sells shoes!"
[Al enters the house.]
Al: I'm home!

Buck Can Do It [2.4]

Al: Still mad at me 'cause I got you neutered?
Buck: What, do ya want me to dance for joy? Bring you a pipe and slippers? Roll over so you can rub my belly and see my shame?
Al: You know, I thought you were supposed to be more affectionate.
Buck: Yeah, right. Why don't you poke my eyes out? Maybe that'd do it?

Al: Wait a second, Peg. Why should I have to fix it? It wasn't me who said "Let's get a picture of your mother leaning up against the fence." It wasn't meant to support a 200-pound woman with a keg under each arm.
Peg: It made a nice picture, Al. Now look, the kids are getting old enough to realize that it is not really your part-time job to sit on the couch and test the weight of beer cans. And now you won't even fix the fence. Now what kind of example is that for them?
Al: Well, if we are an example to the kids, Bud will grow up and get a job that will slowly kill him. And Kelly, well, she'll grow up to believe that a two-income family is a house with two husbands.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun: Part 1 [2.5]

Al: [staring at the butt of the repair-girl] Yeah, looks like two little kittens playing gently under some denim.
Steve: I think it looks more like an apple, Al.

Peg: So Al, you were staring at that girl too?
Al: Yeah...
Peg: I bet she had great legs.
Al: Yeah...
Peg: And good breasts.
Al: Yeah...
Peg: Do you wanna come upstairs?
Al: Yeah... Wait a minute — with you?
Peg: Oh, yeah!
Al: ...Okay.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun: Part 2 [2.6]

Steve: I feel unworthy of someone like Marcy.
Al: Yeah, she is a special person. By the way, here is her wedding ring that she lost down some guy's jock in a strip club last night. Anyway, how do you like those Bears this year?
Steve: Wait a sec, Al. What's this about Marcy's wedding ring?
Al: Oh yeah, yeah, ah... it was returned to me by the stripper whose underpants it was wedged in.

For Whom the Bell Tolls [2.7]

Born to Walk [2.8]

Al: Hey, Steve? [chuckles] You know that two feet, three inches? Well, it was just big enough that a cop spotted me and gave me another ticket for a broken tail-light.
Steve: Well, I warned you, Al.
Al: [chuckling] Yeah, oh yeah. You know, me and you just have to go hunting one day. Yeah, I'll get you a pair of antlers to wear.

Al: Well, a special thanks to everyone who didn't get up this morning to drive me to work.
Bud: That's my bike. I reported it stolen.
Al: Well, I'll get arrested for that tomorrow. Today I just got a ticket for a broken tail-light.

Alley of the Dolls [2.9]

The Razor's Edge [2.10]

Marcy: Oh Peggy! What am I gonna do? I don't know how much longer I can hold out. But I will not give up my principles for an hour and a half of pleasure.
Peg: Look, you don't have to give up any... An hour and a half? If you add up all the sex Al and I have ever had, it STILL doesn't come to an hour and a half. At least not of pleasure.

Marcy: I'm so excited! Steve has been gone for five days. That's the longest we've been apart since we've been married. Well, you know how it is, Peg. What would you do if Al was gone for five days?
Peg: Cash in his insurance policy, give the kids to my mother and travel.

How Do You Spell Revenge? [2.11]

Earth Angel [2.12]

Al: Hey Peg! I got you something that's gonna make your life much easier.
Peg: You got a night job?
Al: No, I already got one of those. It's called getting in bed with you.
Peg: Well then, you've been missing work.

[After returning from the bowling riot]
Al: Did you hear something on the news?
Peg: Yes, as a matter of fact. They said that the sun was going to supernova and we should have sex before the end comes.
Al: I got no time, Peg. I gotta go looting!

You Better Watch Out [2.13]

Al: [dressed as Santa] Your mom's the one who makes the pies for everyone in the neighborhood except those nice Bundys. Okay, Santa will leave you a pony under your tree. But if it isn't there in the morning, that means your mommy chased it away and killed it.

Kid: I wanna sit on your lap.
Al: [dressed as Santa] All right, but make it quick. Santa has hemorrhoids.

Guys and Dolls [2.14]

Peg: Look at them over there. Men are such idiots. And I married their king.

Al: Greatest hobby in the world and women just don't get it.
Peg: No, what I just don't get is sex.
Al: That'll be Bud's new hobby.
Peg: Sex?
Al: No! Baseball cards.

Build a Better Mousetrap [2.15]

Peg: Is it dead, Al?
Al: It doodied on the trap, Peg, and in my bowling shoe.
Peg: Something went in your shoe and lived? This is no ordinary mouse. Will you call an exterminator now?
Al: Nah, now it's personal.

[Al is going into the basement.]
Al: Say "cheese." Hello! [fires twice with his rifle]

Master the Possibilities [2.16]

Bud: They gave Buck a credit card. Dad's using it 'cause he didn't ask for it. So he doesn't have to pay. Y'know, like when you get records you didn't want.
Steve: Did he happen to sign Buck's name to the receipts?
Bud: Sure.
Steve: Then it's a-prison he'll be going.

Al: Well, when the bill comes, it'll come to Buck... What are they gonna do, sue a dog? Arrest him? Cuff 'em? Beat the hell out of 'em? And so what if they did?

Peggy Loves Al - Yeah, Yeah, Yeah [2.17]

Bud: This is going to be my special day. Any girls call me?
Kelly: Yep, they call you "geek," "dork," "hairy palms."

Steve: So, what are you getting Peggy for Valentine's day? Fur? Jewels? A car?
Al: If it was only that easy. I'm gonna have sex with her. Yeah it's kind of a tradition. Every Valentine's day I climb those stairs, you know, walk the last mile and slam dunk her one. It's a spin through hell for me, but she seems to like it.
Steve: I only pray that after sixteen years Marcy and I will have that kind of magic between us.
Al: Steve, if it was magic I could do it from down here in front of the TV.

The Great Escape [2.18]

Al: [walks by Kelly, who is pretending to be a mannequin so she will be able to sneak out] Damn, mannequins look like hookers.

Im-Po-Dent [2.19]

Marcy: Well, Steve forgave me. He's the most wonderful man in the world...
Peg: Al, why can't you be more like Steve?
Marcy: ...and he's impotent!
Peg: My God, you are like Steve.

Marcy You know, Al. There may be something on this planet with fewer brain cells than you. But whatever it is -- wherever it is -- I'm sure its name is Bundy! You should be on all fours, carting a wagon full of borax across the desert! You're compost! You're phlegm! You are a true pork product!
Al: Are you gonna take my advice?
Marcy: [defeated] Yes.

Just Married... with Children [2.20]

Al: I welcome death!

Father Lode [2.21]

All in the Family [2.22]

[Everyone but Al is singing "You Are My Sunshine."]
Peg: Just the boys.
Bud and Uncle Irwin: Please don't take my sunshine away.
Peg: Just the girls.
Kelly and Uncle Otto: You'll never know, dear...

Uncle Otto: You're not good enough for our family.
Al: Yeah, I've never been up on a morals charge.

Season 3

He Thought He Could [3.1]

Al: You think I'm a loser? Because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, and a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every day when I wake up in the morning, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep. So I get up. I have my watered-down Tang and my still-frozen Pop Tart. I get in my car with no gas, no upholstery and six more payments. I fight honking traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes onto the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I wanted to. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never know the joy of driving without a bag over my head. But I'm not a loser. Because, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what they wanted to be, is out there, being what we don't want to be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact that I didn't put a gun in my mouth, you pudding of a woman, makes me a winner!

[Al tries to bribe Miss DeGroot with a doughnut.]
Miss DeGroot: Could it be that you don't have the $2000? Could it be that I was correct when I made an educated guess that you would fail in life?
Al: Could it be that the nails that hold your chair together are from the planet Krypton?

I'm Going to Sweatland [3.2]

Steve: You know what we say at the bank: when opportunity knocks, that's us foreclosing.

Poke High (aka The Red Grange Story) [3.3]

Kelly: I'm Kelly. Remember, we met in the boys' shower the other day?
Matt: Oh, yeah, the soup girl.
Kelly: The soap girl. S-O-P-E.

Peg: [thinking] Poor Al. He's having such a miserable day. Gee, I hope he doesn't realize this jacket cost $200
Al: [thinking] My record is going to hell. No one will remember me, and my wife is wearing a $200 jacket.

The Camping Show (aka A Period Piece) [3.4]

Kelly: I didn't ask to be here, and I didn't ask to be born.
Al: Peg?
Peg: Well, it's her time of the month, Al.
Al: What the hell did we bring her for, then?
Bud: Squeak through another month, eh, Kel?
Kelly: Your mother.

Marcy: If I retain any more water, they're going to have to build a pier around my butt.

A Dump of My Own [3.5]

Al: We don't need the lottery. We have each other.
Peg: I want the lottery.

Peg: I swear that he is more in love with that toilet than he is with me.
Marcy: Oh, of course he is not.
Al: Hey, Peg [hugs the toilet]. Daddy loves you. Daddy loves you.
Peg: What does that toilet have that I don't?
Al: A job.

Her Cups Runneth Over [3.6]

[Al and Steve see beautiful women in the lingerie store.]
Al: I knew women looked like that. I knew it. I knew it.

Al: [watching the store clerk walk away] Yeah, let's see the Japanese build a better one of those.

The Bald and the Beautiful [3.7]

Steve: I happen to love my wife, Al. Oh, God. What am I going to tell Marcy? What am I going to tell Marcy? What if she leaves me? Who'll have me? A bald banker. Did you ever see a bald guy flirt? It's pathetic. What's my fate, Al? To stand in a singles bar with a sign that says "Please"?

Marcy: Oh, Peggy, I'm so worried about Steve. He's acting very strangely. Last night we had sex and he wore a sombrero.
Peg: Ooh! The ribbed kind?
Marcy: On his head, Peggy. It's a hat.
Peg: You have to put your foot down. If I didn't, Al world still be wearing the walkman.

The Gypsy Cried [3.8]

Peggy: Steve and Marcy throw a nice party, don't they?
Al: Well, it would have been nicer if we were actually invited. You know, Peg, I didn't like those people very much. Bunch of boring bankers. They just kept staring at me.
Peggy: Well, you did overflow the toilet and not tell anyone.
Al: I don't tell anyone when I do it here! But you gotta give me credit. I did try to liven things up!
Peggy: You know, I don't think a bankers' party is the right place to stand on the buffet and yell "Hey, let's wet down the wives' T-shirts and rate their hooters!"

Madam Olga: I feel very strong vibrations here.
Al: [to Peg] Did you leave your toy running under the couch again?
Peg: No, it's in the shop getting turbo charged.

Requiem for a Dead Barber [3.9]

[Al comes in with a perm.]
Peg: You look like a fruit, Al.
Al: Thanks, Peg.
Bud: Pretty cool, Dad. You have that "no closet can hold me" look.
Kelly: Leave Dad alone, you guys. (to Al): You're still going to wear men's clothing, aren't you?

Al: Hopefully, wherever they buried Tony, they buried him face down so he wouldn't have to see my shame. 'Cause Al Bundy... is going to get washed... and blown.

I'll See You in Court [3.10]

Al: I don't wanna have sex with you. You're my wife, for Godsakes.

Steve: [stands up, clears his throat and goes to the jurors] Hello, everyone! Anyhow, my wife and I and Peggy and Al Bundy went to the Hop-On Inn to indulge in a little clean marital fun. On separate occasions, of course. During the course of our wholesome bliss, our romantic activities, the reaffirmation of the love we share, and... whatever the Bundys were doing... our conjugal privacy was invaded. Yes, we were violated by video cameras! [Marcy hides her face behind her hand.] But first I think you should hear some background that I believe is germane to this case. My grandfather came to this country, poor man...
[Minutes go by.]
Steve: Then, in World War II, my uncle Nick wiped out more Nazi dogs with venereal disease...

Eatin' Out [3.11]

Al: [ordering dinner for everyone in a high-class restaurant] Four steaks. Nuke 'em.

Al: Hey, kids, whaddya say? You wanna go out for a nice dinner tomorrow?
Bud: We wanna see Tears and Vomit.
Al: Well, you see that when your mom cooks.

My Mom, the Mom [3.12]

Peg: [awakens from her sugar coma] Mom, I had the most horrible dream: I was married to a shoe salesman.

Kelly: Mom, when I grow up I want to be just like you. I want to do nothing, I want to be nothing.

Can't Dance, Don't Ask Me (aka Kelly's Dance) [3.13]

Al: There are two things Bundys don't do: we don't eat vegetables and we don't tap.

Al: When a Bundy is embarrassed, the rest of us feel better about ourselves.

A Three Job, No Income Family [3.14]

Peg: What's wrong with you getting a second job?
Al: Peg, let me state this as clearly as I can. I would rather rip off my nose with a can opener. I would rather bob for apples in a sewer. I would rather have a catheter the size of a garden hose before I get another job to pay for your shopping.

Captain: Get with the program, Bundy. You're a disgrace to the hat. Aw, clean your station.
Al: Marry a redhead.

The Harder They Fall [3.15]

Al: I can't say I won and I can't say I lost. [looks at Peg] Well, I definitely can't say I won.

Marcy: If I had my way, I'd have them round up everyone of those inconsiderate savages, bury them up to their necks and run them over with the grain reaper.
Peg: You know, I feel the same way about that Pippi Longstocking girl. God I hate her!

The House That Peg Lost [3.16]

[Al and Peg are going outside to sleep.]
Peg: Oh, no, Al! It's raining!
Al: Good. I'll sleep with my mouth open. Maybe I'll drown.

[Kelly tells Al about her upcoming slumber party.]
Al: You're not having a slumber party. I'm still having flashbacks from the last one you had.
Kelly: Daddy, I was eight years old.
Al: But the judge wanted to try you as an adult.

Married... with Prom Queen [3.17]

Al: Peg, I don't wanna go to our high school reunion. Can't we just forget the good times and get on with our lives?

Peg: Okay Al, let's go over this one more time. What do you work as?
Al: Garbageman.
Peg: How often do we do it?
Al: Five times a year.
Peg: No. Five times a week, Al. I'm not asking you to do it, just say it. How many kids do we have?
Al: None.

Married... with Prom Queen: the Sequel [3.18]

The Dateless Amigo [3.19]

Marcy: Steve, don't tell them about your insane quest to create the 99 cent coin.
Steve: Al, I invented the 99 cent coin. Have you ever noticed how things cost $7.99? $14.99? $99.99? My coin will eliminate the messy change that only catches the attention of obnoxious beggars who hassle you on the way to your Mercedes. What do you think of it, Al?
Al: What about tax?
Steve: You sound just like those fools in the Treasury Department.
Marcy: Well, dear, maybe if you hadn't have insisted on putting your picture on the coin.
Steve: Whose should it have been? Yours? Look, Al, you gotta see your dream through, Buddy. All they can do is laugh at you.
Marcy: And audit you for five straight years.

Kelly: Bud, look at yourself. Face the ugly truth. They don't have woods deep enough to grow the kind of girls that would be willing to date you. I mean, maybe you're aiming too high. You know, a live girl. See, your problem is, you've got caviar taste and a pizza face. Aim a little lower. Hey, logs can't run away! And then there's the dead. You know, a girl who's been dead long enough might even think that you're a good catch. Hey, I know: how about a nice department store mannequin? I mean, they're used to being undressed by sexless boys.
Bud: Thanks for the help, Bleached Blanket Bimbo.
Kelly: They may call me bimbo, but at least they call me.

The Computer Show [3.20]

Al: What do I need a computer for?
Marcy: News updates.
Al: Newspaper.
Marcy: Social events.
Al: TV guide.
Steve: Recipes.
Al: [placing arm around Peg] Don't eat.
Steve: Doctor's appointments.
Al: Don't care.

Peg: I didn't marry a happy man.
Al: No, you did, Peg. You just turned him into me.

Life's a Beach [3.21]

Here's Lookin' at You, Kid [3.22]

Peg: Al, nobody wants to peep me. Hold me!
Al: Well nobody wants to hold you either.

Al and Peg's neighbor: I've been peeped too, it was horrible!
Al: How was it for you?

Season 4

Hot Off The Grill [4.1]

Peg: Which brings us to a little promise you made just last spring...
Al: Sex again. Peg, we've been married for seventeen years. Now can't we just be friends?
Peg: No! I don't like you, I just want to have sex with you.

Al: Labor Day... what does it mean to us? To answer that question, we must hark back to earlier times. You see, kids, while the cavewoman sat around getting fat, smoking cigarettes, and watching the Phil Jabberman show, the caveman braved the elements, risking life and limb, with only the hair on his back...
[Dissolve to later.]
Al: In 1492, Columbus brought Labor Day to America...
[Dissolve to still later.]
Al: ...and the women still did nothing! And that's what Labor Day means to me.

Dead Men Don't Do Aerobics [4.2]

Peg: There are two things Peggy Bundy doesn't do. Number one: cook, clean, sew, vacuum, iron and parent. And number two: exercise.

Buck Saves The Day [4.3]

Tooth Or Consequences [4.4]

Bud: Dad, Dad, I had a girl here last night.
Al: Bud, I got no time for your jokes now. My teeth are killing me.

He Ain't Much, But He's Mine [4.5]

Marcy: Peggy, I really don't think Al is cheating on you. I took an impromptu poll of all the women I know, and as far as his desirability... Al ranked below ALF, which means they'd rather make love to a piece of cloth with a man's hand in it than with your husband.

Bud: Hey, Mom, do you think Dad is cheating on you?
Peg: Oh, of course not!
Bud: Good, because we don't want to see you and Dad break up. We're almost like a family here.

Fair Exchange [4.6]

Desperately Seeking Miss October [4.7]

Al's Father: So, how's tricks? How are the kids?
Al: Fine.
Al's Father: How are my Playboys?
Al: You know, huh?
Al's Father: [sarcastically] No, I care how you and the kids are.

976-Shoe [4.8]

Peg: Hi, Al. Did you have a good day?
Al: I came home. How good could it have been?

Oh, What A Feeling [4.9]

Bud: Hi, Mom.
Peg: Hi, Kelly.
Kelly: Hi, Mom.
Peg: Hi, Bud.
Al: Hi, Peg. And before you say "Hi" to the milkman, it's me.
Peg: I know. I have a nose. By the way, honey, I saw you pushing your car home. Doesn't it work?
Al: Peg, if you saw me pushing the car home, why didn't you help me?
Peg: Well, I saw the kids out there and I figured if they weren't gonna help, why should I?
Al: Kids, I have a little family announcement to make. But since I don't have an actual family, I'll say it to you. I have decided that it's time for me to buy a new car.
Peg: I want a Cadillac.
Kelly: I want a Ferrari.
Bud: I want a Porsche.
Al: Your wishes mean nothing to me. It's going to be my car, and I'll decide what I'm getting.
Bud: Yeah. Just don't get another weenie-mobile.
Al: If I want a weenie-mobile, I'll buy a weenie-mobile. But at least it'll be a new weenie-mobile. A new car. At last. Everything I've ever owned has been used. My car, my house, my... [gives Peg a significant nod]

Al: All right, everybody, let's hold it right there. Now, how long have I known you guys? What, about two, three hundred years? In that time I have learned to do without several things. A yacht, a summer home, love, respect, food. I can accept that. But I will live not one more day without a car that runs. So no more advice. I will go find my own used car lot, and if I come home tonight, God willing, it will be behind the wheel of something that goes vroom. Al Bundy pushes no more. Now get out of my car.

At The Zoo [4.10]

Girl Scout: You can't tell me you're not hungry. My daddy says you eat bugs and dirt.
Al: Well, you go home and tell your daddy you have the mailman's eyes.
Girl Scout: [holds up a box of cookies] It's food.
Al: [takes the box of macaroons] All right, gimme a box of these macaroons.
Girl Scout: [snatches it back from Al] Cash only, deadbeat.
Al: I don't have any cash. Gimme some credit?
Girl Scout: [walks off] Eat a bug.
Al: Wet a bed.

Bud: Dad, you'll never guess what we saw at the zoo today.
Al: A family of vultures pecking the flesh of the daddy?

It's A Bundyful Life: Part 1 [4.11]

Peg: Aw, honey. I know what would make you feel better. But I'll never leave you, not in a million years. So, Al, what's the family plan for Christmas this year?
Bud: Five bowls a-flushing?
Peg: Four 'roids a-throbbing?
Kelly: Three nose hairs waving?
Bud: Two children starving?
Peg: One untouched wife.

Al: [to some kids] Who wants to hear about the red-haired Grinch that stole Uncle Al's life?

It's A Bundyful Life: Part 2 [4.12]

Angel: I know you think you got it tough. Your wife doesn't respect you. Your kids think you're a failure. A good day for you is when you don't come across any new foot diseases... Believe me, I sympathize. But you think your life reeks? Take a whiff of mine, pal. My wife gained a hundred pounds for every year we were married. We had two kids. I think she ate 'em, I dunno. I hated driving home so much I had vanity plates written up that said "Hit me." But despite it all, she loved me. You know how I know? Because she told me. Oh, yeah. When I was at work, she loved my father, my brother, my bookie... but when I found my grandfather's teeth in my bed under the pillow, then I knew there was trouble in paradise. That's when I did what any other man would do, Bundy. I canceled my insurance and I hung myself. Showed her, huh?

Al: Bud, quick. What's more important: love or money?
Bud: Money. I can always rent love.
Al: Kelly, what's the color of an orange?
Kelly: Right now? No multiple choice? Straight off the top of my head?

Who'll Stop The Rain [4.13]

Peg: Al, just call a roofer.
Al: There. Right there, Peg, is the problem with America. We've lost our spirit of self-reliance. Something's broken, call someone. Something's leaking, call someone. One of the kids suffers a ruptured appendix, call someone. Whatever happened to rugged American manhood?
Bud: Well we don't know yet, Dad. Kelly's tests haven't come back from the lab yet.
Kelly: Chew Dad's socks!
Bud: Eat Mom's food!

A Taxing Problem [4.14]

Rock And Roll Girl [4.15]

You Gotta Know When To Fold 'Em: Part 1 [4.16]

Peg: I want a vacation.
Al: Peg, if you wanna visit someplace new, try the kitchen. Oh, and why don't you get a picture of yourself with the refrigerator. You know, "Ol' Empty"?

Marcy: God, I hate men!
Al: I thought you were man's best friend. Oh wait, that's a dog, not a chicken. Sorry, Marce.

You Gotta Know When To Fold 'Em: Part 2 [4.17]

Yummy: I love a man who's on top of things.
Al: And I love a woman with things on top.

Marcy: Well, now I know everything will be okay. Because the man who sifts through my garbage for food is going to break the bank in Las Vegas.

What Goes Around Comes Around [4.18]

Bud: Dad, when you were in school, did a girl ever did something to you that ruined your entire life?
Al: Yes, and you call that girl "Mom" now.

Al: Sure, before you marry them, all women like football. But as soon as you say "I do"... they put on forty pounds, and the only hike you'll see is them hiking up their pants before they weld their butts to the sofa for the rest of their worthless lives.

Peggy Turns 300 [4.19]

Kelly: My birthday is in February. I'm an Aquarium.

Peggy Made A Little Lamb [4.20]

Raingirl [4.21]

Al: [using a kitchen pot as a bongo drum] Oh, man, we're broke, cha cha cha.
Everybody flat broke, cha cha cha.
Living in the gutter, cha cha cha.
Early grave, cha cha cha.
Everybody — shoot me!

Kelly: Today, when I, like the rest of the nation, was wondering where East Dakota was, the weatherman told the manager that either I went or he went.
Marcy: Oh, well. Losing your first job isn't so bad.
Kelly: Me? They canned him like a tuna.

The Agony Of Defeet [4.22]

Marcy: Peggy, I need to ask you something. Have you ever done something that you didn't remember the next day?
Peg: Well, having the kids.
Marcy: No, I mean have you ever done anything that you really regretted?
Peg: Having the kids.

Yard Sale [4.23]

Al: You see, yard sales are based on the "Bigger Idiot Theory." That there is nothing too stupid that some bigger idiot won't come along and buy it. The problem is that, eventually, you get to the head idiot and you call her "Mom."

Al: A Bundy never wins, but a Bundy never quits.

Season 5

We'll Follow The Sun [5.1]

Bud: The babes will be calling plenty soon. I'm a senior now. A mover. A shaker. I'm the man. I've got the juice. Yup, when I was a freshman, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a sophomore, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a junior, I was getting cool, so they let me flush it myself. But now I'm a senior. And ready to rule. This year he's back, he's cool, he's dry.
Kelly: Until he goes to sleep.

Peg: Hi, Al. Did you miss me?
Al: With every bullet so far.

Al...With Kelly [5.2]

Al: God, what a day in the shoe store. We had a clearance sale. We had to get rid of all our size 13DDDD. The store was packed with women. Well, there were actually only two in the store, but it was wall to wall.

Peg: So, are you really sick? You're not trying to get out of going to see my mother.
Al: Now, Peg. That hurts. You know how much I love that huge fat woman.

Sue Casa, His Casa [5.3]

Al: Luckily the cop liked oldies, so he beat me with his nightstick to the tune of "Hey Jude." Then he wrote me up 18 tickets, including the one for bleeding on his pad.

Al: Peg, we don't need insurance. Insurance is like marriage. You pay, you never get anything back. Besides, the car isn't worth more than 100 bucks with both kids in it.

The Unnatural [5.4]

Al: [three steps away from home plate] Before I cross home plate and bring home the first-ever championship to the Mallers, I would just like to say that... [á la Lou Gehrig] Today... today... today..., I consider you... you... you... the luckiest team on the face of the earth... earth... earth. And in closing I'd like to say, I hate you all, and I thank no one but myself. As of today, I, Al Bundy, am finished with baseball. [takes one step for every letter, the last one jumping on home plate] M... V... P!

The Dance Show [5.5]

Al: Peg, feed me something or feed me to something. I just wanna be part of the food chain.

Kelly Bounces Back [5.6]

Peg: I'm not cooking tonight, you know.
Al: Uh-oh. Then I guess I just have to live on love.
Peg: Not with me. I'm on strike.
Al: Oh, no. Then I guess I just have to live.

Al: Hey, Peg — still on strike?
Peg: What does it look like?
Al: You could be on fire and I wouldn't know.

Married...With Aliens [5.7]

Peg: Listen, Al. You suffered a head injury today. You're probably seriously hurt and require immediate medical attention. Now go to sleep.

Al: Peg! Three little green aliens came in here and... they stole my socks!
Peg: Were they green before or after they touched your socks?

Wabbit Season [5.8]

Al: First thing they teach you when you’re a rookie shoe salesman is, when you got a fat one in the chair, never look up. Well, I looked up, Peg. I saw underwear. It said "Saturday."
Peg: So what?
Al: [starts crying] Today’s Wednesday.

Al: [singing to the tune of Old McDonald had a Farm] Old McBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y. And on this farm there was no wife, B-U-N-D-Y. With a no wife here, and no kids there, a hooker coming in on Friday nights, big luscious hooters and a pizza and a beer there. Old McBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y.

Do Ya Think I'm Sexy [5.9]

Peg: [to Al] Are you enjoying your day off?
Al: Peg, you know I am. Now, how are you gonna ruin it for me? Sex? Chores? What?

Peg: Where are you going?
Al: Where do you think I'm going?
Peg: To the "Mr. Pudding Belly" tryouts?

One Down, Two To Go [5.10]

Peg: Al, our baby’s gone. Hold me.
Al: I didn't hold you when we conceived her. Why should I start now?

Peggy: Bud, was I a good mother?
Bud: Well, you must have been. I was the only 8-month-old baby who knew how to change his own diaper.

And Baby Makes Money [5.11]

Al: We don’t believe in love.
Peg: That’s why our marriage works.

Peg: And then of course there’s that ten months of pregnancy.
Marcy: Ten?
Peg: Male Bundys never wanna come out. Oh, and then once they're out, they never wanna go back in again.

Married... With Who [5.12]

Peg: [reads test questions from a magazine to Al] Who would you rather spend the night with? A, your wife, or B...
Al: B!

Jefferson: I saw a woman come over here. Are one of you my wife? [notices a distressed Marcy, a pleased Peggy and bored Kelly and decides on Kelly) Come on sweetheart, let’s go back to bed.
Kelly: Bye, Daddy.
Peg: No, no, no, no. You've made a mistake. I'm your wife. [releases Kelly and takes Jefferson's hand] Now we can go back to bed.
Marcy: Oh shut up. It's me, it's me.

The Godfather [5.13]

[Al enters the house carrying a steering wheel.]
Peg: Hi, honey. Why did you bring the steering wheel in the house?
Al: Well, I thought, since it isn't attached any more, maybe you'd like to cook it up for dinner?

Al: [in a Marlon Brando voice] One day I will ask of a favor. Now this day may never come... [normal voice] ... but we both know it probably will!

Look Who's Barking [5.14]

Buck: If I had a gun and a thumb, you'd be dead.

Hans: Cherry cheesecake for Herr Bundy.
Kelly: Well. I'm a Bundy and I have hair... okay.
Hans: I wanted to meet the man who loved my cheesecake so much.
Kelly: Bye! [slams the door in his face]

A Man's Castle [5.15]

Al: Hey, wait a minute, guys. I know I'm the new guy here and its not my place to speak up, but what are we doing? We're men. We were put on this planet to... well, I don't know what we're put on this planet to do — but we're here, damn it! And we're Americans and we have the right to use the best toilet system in the free world. Are we to use the gas station bathroom like some, some common of Russkie? We're being driven from our homes, room from room, running like a Frenchman from a cap gun. And from whom? From our women. They've taken our closets, driven us out our bedrooms by their very nakedness. Now, you guys can take it, but not this Yankee Doodie Dandy. Tonight, I’m reclaiming my toilet bowl.

All Night Security Dude [5.16]

Oldies But Young 'Uns [5.17]

Al: I have the perfect plan to figure this whole thing out. Now what we'll do is we'll just sit here and we'll name every song that was ever made until we get it.

[Jefferson, Marcy, and Peg are trying to guess the song Al is humming.]
Marcy: "Itsy-Bitsy Spider"?
Al: No.
Jefferson: "Go Tell Pharaoh"?
Al: No! This is a song from my youth.
Peg: "Look, It's a Wheel"?

Weenie Tot Lovers & Other Strangers [5.18]

Bud: You can't win. You're ineligible since your microbrained daughter is now a Weenie Tot employee. We're gonna be poor for the rest of our lives! Bite on that weenie!

Peg: Well, at least it's over.
Al: Oh, it's not over. [opens the door, revealing the police] Now it's over!

Kids! Whaddya Gonna Do? [5.19]

Bud: I'll do the thinking for the both of us and you do the working for the both of us. And we'll split 30-70.
Kelly: Wait a second, wait a second. I'm doing all the work, right? So it's 30 for me.

Marcy: When you came over to borrow the salt and we said "Take whatever you want," you might have misunderstood. Which brings me to our flatware.
Al: I didn’t steal your bra.

Top Of The Heap [5.20]

Al: I don't have to fall asleep after sex. I want to fall asleep after sex. I welcome the darkness.

Vinnie: Mona, why don't you come back a little later.
Mona: Really? When?
Vinnie: When you're no longer a felony.

You Better Shop Around: Part 1 [5.21]

Al: I have a strange yearning for some melons. [sees Marcy] and a plucked chicken.

You Better Shop Around: Part 2 [5.22]

Jefferson: Drop dead!
Peg: Lick feet!
Marcy: Eat dirt!
Al: Grow hair!

Bud: Just one more question; if all the autograph hounds will stay back a minute. Did you ever think of teaming up with that Eddie Munster kid for the "Thoroughly Pathetic Tour '91"?
Jerry Mathers: Let's get this over with once and for all. I may have to earn a pathetic living by donning the cap of The Beaver and appearing at supermarkets, but at least my father doesn't sell women's shoes.
[Bud and Kelly slink away.]
Jerry Mathers: Golly, that felt good.

Route 666: Part 1 [5.23]

[Peg, Kelly and Bud are in search for Al’s money.]
Peg: I'll check his underwear. After all, he has only one pair. Now, Bud, you take the closet.
Kelly: Appropriate for you, Bud.
Peg: And Kelly, honey, you take the back seat of the car.
Bud: Appropriate for you, Kel.

Peg: Oh, Al, the rubes think I'm sexy.
Al: Yeah, I would too, Peg, if I drank whiskey for breakfast.

Route 666: Part 2 [5.24]

Buck The Stud [5.25]

[Al and Peg come up from the dark cellar.]
Peg: Oh, Al, take me again.
Al: I didn’t even know I was taking you then. I tripped on a box and then I thought the furnace fell on me.

Season 6

She's Having My Baby: Part 1 [6.1]

Peg: Al, guess what? Marcy is pregnant.
Al: Well, congratulations Marcy, now you can finally be fitted for a bra.
Marcy: That's right, Al, but I don't need to complain to you what it's like to carry around small things.

Jefferson: I'm going to be a father. Don't you have anything to say to me?
Al: Oh. Sure. It's over. You're a dead man. Today is the first day of the end of your life.

She's Having My Baby: Part 2 [6.2]

Kelly: Mom! Bud's got more fingers then I do.
Peg: Did you count both hands, honey?
Kelly: Oh.

Bartender: So, where you headed, pal?
Al: Oh, I don't know. Some place where there's a lot of girls and no women.
Bartender: Oh, L.A.!

If Al Had A Hammer [6.3]

Al: That's what's wrong with this country, Peg: every time something tears up, we call someone to fix it. Not like Grandpa Bundy. There was a fixin' man.
Bud: You mean Grandpa Hook?
Al: Well, circular saws were new then. But he carved his own hook, he didn't call anybody!
Peg: It would have been hard for him to hold the phone with the one finger he had left on his other hand.
Al: One finger is all a real American needs, Peg.

Al: Dad had one great dream, a dream that had been handed down from generation to generation of male Bundys: to build their own room and live separately from their wives. Sadly, they all failed.

Cheese, Cues And Blood [6.4]

Looking For A Desk In All The Wrong Places [6.5]

Al: Well, according to my research, the cost of raising a baby from birth to college is approximately seven hundred and eighty thousand dollars. Thanks to my actually selling a shoe last week, I'm proud to say we're now just short seven hundred eighty thousand dollars. Thank you.

Peg: You see, in this country, my husband is a very powerful man. He's a shoe salesman.
Ms. Garcia: Really? In my country, shoe salesmen are laughed at by everyone, including beggars and the feeble-minded.
Peg: Our countries are very much alike.

Buck Has A Belly Ache [6.6]

If I Could See Me Now [6.7]

Al: I saw those numbers just as plain as I see Bea Arthur's face on that TV.
Jefferson: That's Fidel Castro.

God's Shoes [6.8]

Al: How long was I out?
Kelly: Six hours.
Al: Why didn't you call 911?
Kelly: I couldn't remember the number.

Kelly Does Hollywood: Part 1 [6.9]

Kelly Does Hollywood: Part 2 [6.10]

Al Bundy, Shoe Dick [6.11]

Al: [narrating] So I ran. You would too if you had a price on your head and a bad burrito in your belly.

Al: Kids, just one quick question and that's it. Is your mother...
Bud: Repulsed by you?
Kelly: Disappointed financially and sexually by you?
Al: No. I don't care about that, you dolts. Is she pregnant? And Marcy?
Kelly: Do you think he's crazy?
Bud: He must be. He didn't ask about you.

So This Is How Sinatra Felt [6.12]

Leona: I want my money back. These shoes are as useless to me as a comb is to you. I've only worn them once, and they split at the sides.
Al: Let me explain this. It's just like an elevator. There's a two-ton weight limit. What say I just nail the soles to your feet? It'll give you more traction when you're pulling the ice wagon.
Leona: You'll be hearing from my attorney!
Al: Is that the law offices of Haagen and Daaz?

Bud: The only thing Dad is cheating on is death.

I Who Have Nothing [6.13]

The Mystery Of Skull Island [6.14]

Peg: [reading "Sexual Intimacy" card] "If your lover was suddenly unable to perform..." [Al lowers head] "and was a shoe salesman, and named Al..."
Al: Give me that. There's no way it could possibly say that. [reads the card and suddenly looks amazed] Oh, my God, it does!
Peg: "And an old lover came to town..." They must mean Jim. "Would you have a sleazy affair with him?" ... Yeah.

Bud: I'm really gonna take the advice of someone's who's fooled by every single disguise of the Trix Rabbit.
Kelly: Yeah, like you know who he is before his ears flop out.

Just Shoe It [6.15]

Rites Of Passage [6.16]

Al: Where the music stinks and they water the drinks — the nudie bar. Where the girlies dance in their underpants — the nudie bar. Where you see their butt, but their trap stays shut — the nudie bar.

Bud: Yo Roxanne, Grandmaster B here. That's with a big G a big B, and a real big... well.

The Egg And I [6.17]

Al: Hey Steve, too bad Alfalfa is dead or else he could play you in the movie of your life.

Steve: You couldn't tell me that she was married?
Peg: We don't like to use the "M word" in front of the kids.

My Dinner With Anthrax [6.18]

Bud: Dad...
Al: Go away.
Bud: This isn't about money.
Al: Go away anyway.
Bud: Dad, will you stop and listen to me.
Al: All right, what?
Bud: Me and Kelly want to throw a party this Saturday on the 30th. Can we? Please?
Al: Absolutely not. I have something very important planned for that day which requires total silence. I can't get too technical, but it involves your mother, our anniversary, and me making love to her 'til I shrivel up and die. Now, if you don't mind, I am going to walk blindly in traffic.

Charlie Benante: It came out of the fridge... why is it hot?

Psychic Avengers [6.19]

Al: Jefferson, do you have 79 cents?
Jefferson: Why? You're paying off the house?

Kelly: Maybe we're worrying about nothing, I mean, maybe he'll come home in a good mood.
[Al enters.]
Al: Why doesn't the world die?

High I.Q. [6.20]

Teacher Pets [6.21]

The Goodbye Girl [6.22]

Kelly: Why doesn't the world explode into a fiery pus-filled death?

Kelly: A fat woman comes to the gate today. Her muumuu covering what must have been three or four heinies. Now she could've left through either an itty-bitty turnstile or a huge gate. Guess which one she picks. A line was forming. So I went and got a tub of butter from the Delta Burke "Let's Get Big" exhibit. Then I went over to Star Trek Land, hotwired the Enterprise and sent it up where no man has ever gone before. She went flying like vegetable out of Dad's mouth and landed right in "The Facts of Life" fan pavilion. Thank God it's always empty.

The Gas Station Show [6.23]

England Show: Part 1 [6.24]

Captain: This is your captain speaking. Will the gentleman in 24B please put his shoes back on? I'm choking to death.
Peg: AL!
Al: Oh, please. They show us the movie Dutch and they think I stink?

Al: I’d like to talk to you today about women. I don't like 'em. I mean, you folks are English, but even you can't like women. I mean, you're sitting home, watching sports, and that's the exact time that they pick to plant their ever widening, what you call bums next to you, and ask "Remember that restaurant we went to 18 years ago. Did you think that waitress was pretty?" Then you tell them to shut up, and they get mad. Now, I’m not proposing a solution, ‘cause I gotta go soon, I see my wife looking, but I’d just like to say "I don’t like 'em." Now could I get a "Whoa, women. I DON'T LIKE 'EM?"
Crowd: Whoa, women. I DON'T LIKE 'EM.
Al: Oh, by the way, am I alone in hating the French.
Crowd: No!
Al: I thought not.

England Show: Part 2 [6.25]

Peg: You know, Al, since we're in a castle... crown me, baby!
Al: Ah, what the hell, it's the first thing I had to pay for this whole trip. All right, Peg, go ahead and say it, what am I, baby?
Peg: You're the king, baby.
Al: Make me believe it.
Peg: Who's gonna make me believe it?

Hanged Bundy Ghost: Good evening, Bud. We are the ghosts of your ancestors.
Impaled Bundy Ghost: Beware!
Headless Bundy Ghost: You will die in the morning!
Disemboweled Bundy Ghost: Run! Run while you still can!
5th Bundy Ghost: Wanna buy some shoes?

England Show: Part 3 [6.26]

Kelly: Well, I just saved your worthless hides, and I think I deserve a hearty, "Good job, Kelly, thank you."
Al: Well, you might have gotten a nice thank you if you hadn't said we'd move faster if we lightened the load, then unhitched the horse!

Winston: Hey... come over to our side, yeah? Yeah. Your death will be quicker.
Trevor: No! Come to our side! At least we won't eat you afterwards.
Winston: That is an ugly rumor, started by people who are jealous! Besides, it's dark over here. We couldn't tell. It's hard to know what we were eating sometimes, wasn't it?

Season 7

Magnificent Seven [7.1]

Al: I'm tracking down Seven's real parents. Nobody sticks Al Bundy with unwanted kids except his wife.

Al: Marcy, I'm saying this as a friend. Your body shows no signs of womanhood; it's obvious to me you're barren. And even if by some miracle you laid an egg, and then hatched a child, and tried to breast-feed, the poor kid would starve to death. Because, let's face it Marce, there can't be enough in there for a cup of coffee. So having said that - with love - from one friend to another, I offer you the son you'll never have. Let me go get his clothes.

Frat Chance [7.6]

Kelly: Did something die in here?
Bud: That would be me. It's my new cologne. My own secret little recipe. I call it "A Touch of Bud."
Kelly: Yeah, well, if anyone knew what a touch of Bud was, it could only be you.
Bud: And nobody does it better.

[Al drives into the garage where Bud and his frat friends are holding hands with their pants down.]
Bud: Hi Dad. We're having sort of a secret ceremony here.
Al: Not secret enough, son.

Unalful Entry [7.20]

Peg: You know what would really help me go to sleep?
Al: Yes I do Peg, but I don't think we can get Dr. Kevorkian on such short notice.

Season 8

A Tisket A Tasket, Can Peg Make A Basket [8.1]

Hood N' The Boys [8.2]

Proud To Be Your Bud [8.3]

Luck Of The Bundys [8.4]

Al: See, till now, Peg, I always thought horoscopes were a load of hooey; but now that I hear "good luck's a comin," I realize that they're based on hard scientific data.

Al: Having only one kid around the house is like having only one noose around your neck.

Banking On Marcy [8.5]

Marcy: The last time I saw this many people in a bank, I closed my windows and went to lunch.

Al: It doesn't work any more, Peg.
Peg: What doesn't work?
Al: It.
Peg: How can you tell?
Al: I've been reading Playboy, Biguns, Littluns, Inbetweenuns — nothing. Then I remembered it hasn't worked since the afternoon I saw Marcy do that horrible thing at the bank meeting. Marcy killed it Peg. You made it sick, but Marcy killed it.

No Chicken, No Check [8.6]

Al: New cars for everybody! Peg, would you like a BMW?
Peg: Well, I kinda see myself in a Jaguar.
Al: Oh, if only we could find one that hungry.

Al: Let me tell you a little something about sharing: don't do it. It can only come to trouble. Your mother and I shared a bed; nothing good came out of it.

Take my Wife, Please [8.7]

Peg: Now Mr. Grover over here, he doesn't believe in Halloween. So I say we ring his doorbell over and over again anyhow.
Bud: Well, how come?
Peg: He's a Jehovah's Witness and I just want him to know what it feels like for a change.

Al: Okay. Well, maybe I have called death once, twice or a hundred times. But it's just something you say but you don't mean — you know, like "How ya doing?" or "I love you."

Scared Single [8.8]

Al: Al Bundy, all class, all the time.
Aaron: Wait a second: Al Bundy, the All-State Al Bundy?
Al: I was.
Aaron: I thought you died in Vietnam.
Al: Well, uh, actually, I, uh, started that rumour. See, truth be told, I died here at home, victim of Agent Red.

NO MA'AM [8.9]

Al: Now listen here, Jerry. Bowling is a man's sport. If God had wanted women to bowl, he'd have put breasts on their backs to give us something to watch till it was our turn.

Al: It's not the dress that makes you look fat, it's the fat that makes you look fat.

Dances With Weezy [8.10]

Al: Well, if you came with a remote and mute button, I might turn you too every now and then.

Kelly: This is the lowest thing I've ever done. Okay, the lowest thing I've ever been paid to do. Okay, the lowest thing I've been paid to do that I didn't enjoy.

Change For A Buck [8.11]

A Little Off The Top [8.12]

Doctor: This was one of those unfortunate accidents due to simple human error. It seems our surgical team misread your doctor's instructions; it said to give him a circular incision.
Peg: Yeah, so how could you misread that?
Doctor: We gave him a circumcision.

Marcy: Hey, Stubby, we heard about what happened, so we got you a card.
Jefferson: I talked her out of the "Ask me about me circumcision" bumper sticker.
Marcy: [reading from the card]
We heard about your little loss.
We know you'll make it through,
Because thankfully the part they took
Was of no use to you.
And though they took more than you'd like,
The good luck is, you see,
Another quarter inch would have been
A full lobotomy.

The Worst Noel [8.13]

Peg: Al, guess what I got?
Al: You got a Christmas present for me?
Peg: Uh, no, but I could go back out again. Do you got any money?
Al: Well, I was saving up for a bullet.

Al: Oh, my God. The power's off, there's no tv. What are we going to do ,Peg?
Peg: Well, we could cuddle.
Al: Be serious, Peg.

Sofa So Good [8.14]

Honey I Blew Up Myself [8.15]

How Green Was My Apple [8.16]

Valentine's Day Massacre [8.17]

Get Outta Dodge [8.18]

Field Of Screams [8.19]

The D'Arcy Files [8.20]

Nooner Or Nothing [8.21]

Ride Scare [8.22]

The Legend Of Ironhead Hanes [8.23]

Assault And Batteries [8.24]

Al Goes Deep [8.25]

Kelly Knows Something [8.26]

Season 9

Shoeway To Heaven [9.1]

Driving Mr. Boondy [9.2]

Kelly Breaks Out [9.3]

Naughty But Niece [9.4]

Business Still Sucks (1) [9.5]

Business Still Sucks (2) [9.6]

Dial "B" For Virgin [9.7]

Sleepless In Chicago [9.8]

Al: The things that happen when you forget to pack your cyanide pill.

No Pot to Pease in [9.9]

Al: Well, let's see: I have an unemployed actress for a daughter... a son who'd have sex with a fire hydrant.
Peg: Oh, happy day. My TV Guide cover collector plates are here.
Al: Gee, I wonder where the next bolt of lightning will strike.

Dud Bowl [9.10]

A Man For No Seasons [9.11]

I Want My Psycho Dad (1) [9.12]

Al: Ah, you two are the best kids any dad could accidentally have.

Al: I'm taking this fight to the place that stands for liberty, that stands for freedom of expression.
Jefferson: The Nudie Bar?
Al: No, but maybe first.

I Want My Psycho Dad (2) [9.13]

The Naked And The Dead, But Mostly The Naked [9.14]

Kelly Takes A Shot [9.15]

Kelly: If God wanted people to shoot a bow, He wouldn't have invented assault weapons.

Peg: Al, you're tracking mud on the carpet.
Al: It's not all mud; some of it is colon.

Get The Dodge Outta Hell [9.16]

Kelly: Daddy might have been able to look me in the eye and break when the police brought me home at 2:00 in the morning, but I am not 11 any more.

Al: Peg, what is it with you? You can change six D batteries in the dark, but you can't find a two-ton automobile.
Peg: Let's not start talking about who can't find what in the dark.

25 Years And What Do Ya Get [9.17]

Jefferson: It took forever for them to leave.
Al: Yeah; but much like a roid, they come back with a vengeance.

Bud: Dad, we got a problem.
Kelly: We were out walking Buck when we ran into Mrs. Stewart.
Bud: She was wearing her yellow slicker and I guess Buck must've thought she was a fire hydrant.

Ship Happens (1) [9.18]

Marcy: What are you guys laughing at?
Jefferson: Nothing. We're just happy to be here with the women we love.
Al: And you guys.

Al: Thank you, Peg, for booking me on the Titanic.

Ship Happens (2) [9.19]

Al: Did I thank you for inviting me on this cruise, Peg?
Peg: Well, as a matter of fact you haven't.
Al: Well, then, maybe a simple stake through the heart would suffice.

Al: Gee, I can't believe how small it is.
Peg: Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I've said that.

Something Larry This Way Comes [9.20]

And B-I-N-G-O Was Her Name-O [9.21]

Marcy: The women are wearing my favorite scent: Dust.

Marcy: Oh, Peggy, what are you going to do with $10,000?
Peg: Well, I think I'll give it to the needy. Of course, I needy it all.

User Friendly [9.22]

Pump Fiction [9.23]

Beth: Thanks for signing my inner thigh, Mr. Bundy
Al: Now, now, Beth. We promised not to speak of such things in front of Les Misérables.

Radio Free Trumaine [9.24]

Peg: Now, Al, don't go to sleep. You know our deal: you get beef, I get beef.

Mark: Now, remember, we're gonna be giving away free limo service to this Friday's formal to the student with the most pathetic reason for wanting it. [phone rings] You're on the air.
Bud: Uh, hi. This is Bud Bundy and I'm trying to—
Mark: Bud Bundy, we have our winner.

Shoeless Al [9.25]

Woman: I'll have your jobs for this.
Al: Fine, if we can trade for what's in your fridge.

Jefferson: Stay cool. Our lives are in your feet.
Peg: That's why life stinks.

The Undergraduate [9.26]

Peg: Al, I think this thing is broken.
Al: Peg, unlike many of your other devices, this one doesn't need batteries.

Kelly: It's just a junior prom. I can do this with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back.
Bud: That's sort of like one of your real dates, right?

Season 10

Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast, Lunch, And Dinner [10.1]

Al: The best way to ruin a heartfelt goodbye party is to stay where you're not wanted.

Peg: You know, I've always wanted a place where I could stretch out and do nothing.
Al: Well, get in the car: I'll take you to the morgue.

A Shoe Room With A View [10.2]

Bud: Mom, I had a horrible day, and I could really use some motherly advice right now.
Peg: Shut up, Bud. Oprah is doing a show on mothers who don't pay attention to their sons.

Al: It's a remote control override. Peg. They're on sale at the Real Man's Shop.
Peg: Well, while you were there, why didn't you pick up a real man?
Al: Don't push it, Peg. It also overrides all of your other handheld electronic devices.

Requiem For A Dead Briard [10.3]

Peg: And to think I could've had any man on the football team.
Al: Peg, you had them all.

Kelly: Let's call him Lucky. Lucky Bundy.
Al: I was saving that name for my tombstone.

Reverend Al [10.4]

Kelly: You know what I'd do if my lover lost interest in me?
Bud: Sleep with his parole officer?

Jefferson: Like all other religions, we have a sacred obligation to make a lot of money and open our own theme park.

How Bleen Was My Kelly [10.5]

Bud: I've put all the family finances right here on this computer.
Al: You put something I don't have into something I don't understand.
Peg: You know, that reminds me of our sex life.
Al: That's putting something I have into something I don't like.

Kelly: Mom, Dad, Bud: you will never guess what I got.
Bud: A better game would be guess what you haven't got. I'll take Virginity for $100.
Kelly: Well, that's funny. Nobody will take yours for less than $1000.

The Weaker Sex [10.6]

Al: When I felt that hairy hand go in my pocket, I naturally assumed it was Peg.

Jefferson: I think I got a way to put an end to all of this.
Al: Well, if you got the tailpipe, I got the lips.

Flight Of The Bumblebee[10.7]

Al: Wow, we must have gone back in time 'cause I'm experiencing déjà moo.

Peg: Now, that is a real man, not some high school football hero who got married and turned to mush.
Al: Well, I guess it's true what they say: you are what you marry.

Blond and Blonder [10.8]

Marcy: What's Mr. Potato Head doing here?
Al: Well, I don't know: you married him.
Marcy: Not that Mr. Potato Head, the one that's actually worth something.

Eric: It's amazing how your looks can improve with nice clothes, contacts and $10,000,000.

The Two That Got Away [10.9]

Al: Nothing drowns your sorrows like a three-day binge at the Nudie Bar.
Al: I would like to start with a genuine picture of the Loch Ness Monster.
Jefferson: My God, Al, that's horrific. What the hell is it?
Al: A picture of Peg's mom in the bathtub.

Dud Bowl II [10.10]

Al: Why are you doing this to me, Marcy?
Marcy: Because God's on vacation and He wants me to fill in.

Al: When a Bundy doesn't get what's rightfully his, he makes sure that no one gets it either.

Bearly Men [10.11]

Al: Hey, Peg, you know what I was dreaming about at work today?
Peg: Me, Al?
Al: Yes, Peg.
Peg: Was I in bed?
Al: Yes you were. In fact, I tied you up.
Peg: Ooh, well, that sounds so kinky, Al. What were you doing?
Al: Cindy Crawford.

Al: Peg, I'm telling you, me and the floor boards can't take any more of her.

Love Conquers Al [10.12]

Al: What could be bigger than your mother? In captivity, that is.

Carlos: Where is your father, the village shoesmith?
Kelly: He's with my mother, the village shopper, and my grandma, the village.

I Can't Believe It's Butter [10.13]

Al: Hey, Griff, Where's your Christmas spirit?
Griff: My ex-wife got it in the divorce settlement.

Al: I want you to get back on that phone and do what you do best: shatter dreams.

The Hood, The Bud, And The Kelly (1)[10.14]

The Hood, The Bud, And The Kelly (2)[10.15]

Calendar Girl [10.16]

Al: When did you leave?
Peg: Yesterday.
Al: No wonder the sex was good then last night.

Babcock: How dare you take my name, little Floyd? From this moment forth I shall refer to you only as Little.
Floyd: That's funny; that's how Mom refers to you.

Agony and the extra C [10.17]

Doctor: Bad news, Mr. Darcy. I'm afraid we're gonna have to operate. You do have insurance, don't you?
Jefferson: Yes.
Doctor: Well, then, we will be using anesthesia.

Al: Come on, Jefferson, it's just us, some beer and some Mexican strippers. What could happen?

Spring Break (1) [10.18]

Dan: Call it in the air.
Kelly: It's a coin.
Dan: You win.

Kelly: I'm an actress, I don't know if I can go parading around a bunch of strangers I haven't slept with yet.

Spring Break (2) [10.19]

Turning Japanese [10.20]

Al: Marcy, me and that dodge have been together a long time.
Marcy: So have you and your hair and you got rid of that.

Marcy: Please Al, my job is on the line.
Al: Oh, well that changes nothing.

Al Goes To The Dogs [10.21]

Kelly: What do you think?
Bud: You no longer look like a North American slut, you look like a South American slut.
Kelly: That's exactly the look I was going for.

Enemies [10.22]

Bud: Can we please watch something else, this is a rerun.
Kelly: No it's not, I've seen this one a million times.

Bud Hits The Books [10.23]

Marcy: Allow me to quote from your official student handbook "Abstinence Saves Lives." And what guarantees abstinence better than self-love? Constant, never-ending self-love? I ask you to look at this young man. Would you rather he do what he did or be out there breeding?

Al: I think I may have been a little too harsh on my son. After all, the only thing he really did wrong was go in the library in the first place. The rest was totally understandable. I mean, we men have our needs. It's women who tell us these things are wrong. And why? Because they want to take away the only good sex we have.

Kiss Of The Coffee Woman [10.24]

Bud: If I was a hot young chick, I couldn't keep my hands off myself.
Kelly: Well, I guess that makes you a hot young chick.

Marcy: Jefferson, can I have a word with you in our own kitchen by the recently sharpened knives?

Torch Song Duet [10.25]

Kelly: Daddy, wanna know what I think?
Al: Oh, this should be good.
Kelly: Now, like a great eastern religion says, it's all about striking a balance between the ping and the pong.
Al: Go get my noose, boy.

Kelly: Oh, Daddy you're so good. I'm sure in your next life you're gonna be re-incarcerated.

The Joke's On Al [10.26]

Kelly: [answering machine message] Hi, you've reached Kelly. Please leave a message at the tone. If you're a girl calling for Bud: Hi, Mom.

Season 11

Twisted [11.1]

Woman: Look: I'm a 5, and you are going to sell me a 5 if I have to sit here all night.
Al: So because you're mad at me, you're gonna take it out on a perfectly innocent chair? A chair that has suffered enough already.
Woman: Well, I have just about had enough of you.
Al: Well, you wouldn't say that if I came with fries and a medium drink. You know, medium: the size between small and you.

Marcy: Peggy, Kelly, as your civil defense block captain, I'm taking charge. You are to follow my orders without asking any questions.
Kelly: So we're supposed to act like Mr. Darcy?

Children of the Corns [11.2]

Kelly: Have you seen my lucky audition blouse?
Peg: What's it look like?
Kelly: See-through. Maybe that's why I can't find it.

Peg: Uh, honey, why don't you stay home and bowl me over?
Al: Because, Peg, I prefer a place where my balls are returned properly.

Kelly's Got A Habit [11.3]

Sketch Artist: So you were robbed by a pirate who looks like Brad Pitt? Are you sure this is who we're looking for?
Peg: Well, he's who I'm looking for.

Officer Dan: Al, I thought we agreed you weren't going to carry a gun.
Al: Don't worry. I know how to handle this thing.
Peg: That's what he said on our honeymoon.

Requiem For A Chevyweight (1) [11.4]

Jefferson: Look, Al, God forbid she doesn't make it — the important thing is you get right back on the horse.
Al: Well, thanks, Jefferson, but how's sex with my wife gonna make me feel any better?

Al: See, that car has been with us in good times and bad times.
Peg: And when are we getting to the good times?
Al: When you're on life support.

Requiem For A Chevyweight (2) [11.5]

Peg: You never bring me flowers.
Al: I would if you died.

Cal: Did you play pro ball?
Al: Well, I could have, but I had a career ending accident.
Cal: Knee?
Al: Marriage.

A Bundy Thanksgiving [11.6]

Al: You know, Peg, I hate to be a needy husband, a demanding husband and your husband, but where the hell is my pie tin?
Peg: Why don't you check under the couch where I keep all the other dirty dishes?
Al: Once again Peg, way to home make. See now, I can't quite reach.
Peg: Here, wanna try my bonbon retriever?

Al: This pie tin is worth 25 cents towards one of Aunt Matty's famous sweet potato pies.
Marcy: Well, if she's so famous, how come I haven't heard of her?
Al: I don't know. Maybe because she doesn't make chicken pies.

The Jugs Have Left The Building [11.7]

God Help Ye Merry Bundymen [11.8]

Crimes Against Obesity [11.9]

The Stepford Peg [11.10]

Bud On The Side [11.11]

Grime And Punishment [11.12]

T-R-A-S-H [11.13]

Breaking Up Is Easy To Do (1) [11.14]

Breaking Up Is Easy To Do (2) [11.15]

Breaking Up Is Easy To Do (3) [11.16]

Live Nude Peg [11.17]

A Babe In Toyland [11.18]

Al: My Pumpkin is becoming a princess. Gee, if only I could trade my cow for some magic beans.

Peg: Al, I don't like these twin beds. It's unnatural.
Al: Anything involving you in a bed is unnatural, Peg. Just put on your snore strap and go to sleep.

Birthday Boy Toy [11.19]

Al: I hope one of these bills is for a coffin, because your shopping is killing me.

Peg: Al, don't make me stop shopping. You'll destroy my life.
Al: Good; then we'll be even.

Damn Bundys [11.20]

Bud: Something burning? Has Mom been ironing?
Al: No. Nothing as unusual as that. I sold my soul to the devil.
Kelly: For riches and diamonds?
Bud: Kelly, we're talking about Dad's soul.
Kelly: For a Canadian penny?

Lucifer: All right, Mr. Bundy: since you find hell such a picnic, uh, how about this? For the rest of eternity, you'll never see your family again.
Al: This is heaven.

Lez Be Friends [11.21]

Mandy: Actually, Al, I'm involved.
Al: Who's the lucky guy?
Mandy: Barbara.
Al: Barbara? Sounds like he's a little light in the loafers.
Mandy: Actually, she's a little heavy in the construction boots.

Al: How did a thing like this happen to you? Were you stood up to the prom? Go to prison? I know, it was summer camp, wasn't it? You sprained a muscle skinny dipping, and the beautiful blond counselor, let's call her Betty, carried you back to her cabin and gave you a massage; and before you knew it, you were a love slave in an all-girls sex cult.
Mandy: Yeah, that's what happened. You saw that in a video, didn't you, Al?
Al: Yeah, my favorite.
Mandy: Mine, too. So you don't have a problem with two women being together?
Al: No, as long as there's a guy watching.

The Desperate Half Hour (1) [11.22]

Al: It was a bad day today, Peg. One minute the biggest woman in the world was in front of me. I was trying to wedge a size four on her foot with my lucky shoe horn. The next minute she was gone.
Peg: The woman died in your store?
Al: Not the woman Peg, the shoe horn. Look at it Peg, crushed like a beer can at a Raiders game.

Peg: Al, I'm afraid. Hold me.
Al: Peg, Peg, my life's in danger here. It's important I maintain my will to live.

How To Marry A Moron (2) [11.23]

Peg: On this very special occasion I want you to wear the dress that I wore on the happiest day of my life. Unfortunately, the football team kept it.

Al: Now let me tell you something. We Bundys may have our faults; but we believe that marriage should be forever, no matter how pitiful or disgusting it may be to wake up to the same horrifying face each day. That's what the marriage vows are all about; and anyone who can't stand the nagging, bonbon-eating heat should stay out of the whining, sex-starved kitchen.

The Chicago Shoe Exchange [11.24]

Gary: I've got to restock the store, and so I'm donating all of these old shoes to poor Filipino orphans.
Al: Well, they made them; why would they want them back?

Kelly: Hey, guess what? I finally got my masseuse license. You know what that means.
Bud: You can rub men and finally get paid for it?

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