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Men are from Mars, Women are from
Venus (published in May 1992) is a book by John Gray offering many
suggestions for improving men-women relationships in couples by
understanding the communication style and emotional needs of the opposite
gender. It spawned a series of
follow-on books expanding on specific situations (see below).
The book, as suggested by the title, ,asserts the notion that men and women are as different as beings from other
planets. Gray adopts this
metaphor as the central theme of all his books and seminars,
likening men and women to the classical Roman god Mars and
goddess Venus as ideal types.
In contrast to some psychologists (and feminists) who emphasize
similarities between the sexes, Gray writes almost exclusively
about differences.
Gray says that his "Martians" and "Venusians" are only stereotypes and cannot be
applied blindly to individuals.
An example of the theories it offers is that women complain
about problems because they want their problems to be acknowledged,
while men complain about problems because they are asking for
solutions. Other concepts in the book are the difference between
women and men's point systems and how they react under stress.
Notable books in the
series
- Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
- Mars and Venus on a Date
- What You Feel You Can Heal
- Men, Women and Relationships
- Mars and Venus in Love
- Mars and Venus Together Forever: A Practical Guide to
Creating Lasting Intimacy
- Mars and Venus in the Bedroom
- Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus Book of
Days
- Mars and Venus Starting Over
- How To Get What You Want and Want What You Have
- Children Are From Heaven
- Practical Miracles for Mars and Venus: Nine Principles for
Lasting Love, Increasing Success, and Vibrant Health in the
Twenty-first Century
- Mars and Venus in the Workplace
- Truly Mars & Venus
- The Mars & Venus Diet & Exercise Solution
- Why Mars and Venus Collide: Improving Relationships by
Understanding How Men and Women Cope Differently with
Stress
Concepts
Concepts Gray espouses in his books include:
The point
system
Gray suggests that men and women count (or score) the giving and
receiving of love differently. Men tend to give larger blocks of
points (20, 30, 40 points etc.) for what they think are Big Acts,
while women give each act of love one point at a time.
According to Gray, women tend to keep a Points System that few
men are aware of.
Men and women each monitor the amount of give and take in a
relationship and if the balance becomes off and one person feels
they have given more than they have been given to, resentment flu
develops. This is a time when communication is very important to
help bring the relationship back into balance.
Example: A man might count a $200 present as 20 points and
helping her to carry a heavy bag as 1 point (or he may not even
assign any point to the latter), but a woman may count these acts
as only 1 point each.
For her, the total sum of points comes from different aspects.
For example: - the different parts of the environment where the
present is given each get 1 point (candles, music, privacy,
location etc.) - the card gets 1 point, - flowers get 1 point, - if
he tells her "I love you" in the morning it is 1 point, - if he
sincerely takes a moment to notice her and tells her "You look
beautiful" in the evening it is 1 point, - if he hugs her, it is 1
point, - the gift itself gets 1 point.
Men and women are often surprised to find the scoring method is
different. Most men are not even aware that all women "keep
score".
The emotional stroke delivered by the sincere
attention is as important as the value of the item. This can lead
to conflict when a man thinks his work has earned 20 points and
deserves appropriate recognition while the female has only given
him 1 point and recognizes him accordingly.
Men tend to think they can do one Big Thing for her (scoring 50
points) and not do anything else. They assume the woman will be
satisfied with it.
To the woman, she would rather have many many Little Acts on a
regular basis. The reason is that women like to think their man is
thinking of them and cares for them on a regular basis.
The cave
and the wave
Another major point of Gray's books are the differences in the
way they react under stress. He
believes that many men withdraw until they find a solution to the
problem. He refers to this as "retreating into their cave." In some
cases they may literally retreat, for example, to the garage or
spend time with friends. The point of retreating is to take time to
determine a solution. What is known is that men in their caves are
not necessarily focused on the problem at hand, many times this is
a "time-out" of sorts to allow them to distance themselves from the
problems so their brains can focus on something else. Gray posits
that this allows them to revisit the problem later with a fresh
perspective.
Gray holds that this retreat into the cave has historically been
hard for women to understand because when they are stressed their
natural reaction is to talk about issues (even if talking does not
solve the problem). This leads to a natural dynamic of the man retreating as the woman tries
to grow closer. According to Gray this becomes a major source of conflict between any man and
woman.
The "wave" is a term Gray uses to describe a natural cycle for
women that is centered around their abilities to give to other
people. He claims that when they feel full of love and energy to
give to others their wave is in a stable place. As they give to
others (and don't receive the same amount of love and attention
given to them in return) their wave begins to grow until it
eventually crashes. This is a time when a woman needs the love,
listening, understanding and reassurance of those around her
(including self love). Gray holds that once she is rejuvenated (by
getting the support she needs) she is able to rise like a wave and
once again has love and energy to give. Men must support this
natural cycle by not being threatened by it or telling her why she
should not feel this way.
Men can simply listen to her, constantly reassure her of his
love/commitment/monogamy or take a few chores off her back (just a
few simple chores will do). Most men get threatened because they
think, "Why can't she be happy?" or think she is blaming him, but
that is not the case.
References in popular
culture
- In Neal Stephenson's 1999 novel, Cryptonomicon, an
American protagonist remarks to his Filipino attorney, "You know
what this is? It's one of those men-are-from-Mars,
women-are-from-Venus things."
To which the attorney replies "I have not heard of this phrase but
I understand immediately what you are saying."
"It's one of those American books where once you've heard the title
you don't even need to read it."
"Then I won't."
- In the episode "El
Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer" of The Simpsons,
Homer remarks, "We're so different! It's like you're from Venus..."
Marge replies, "And you're from Mars." To which Homer responds, "Oh
yeah, give me the one with all the monsters!"
- Tom and Ray Magliozzi of the radio show Car Talk spoofed the title of this book
on their comedy album Men are from GM, Women are from
Ford.
- The title was also spoofed in a Pearls
Before Swine (comic strip) comic strip, with Rat having
launched a book called Men Are From Mars, Women Are From
Meteors That Landed On Mars.
- The band Men From Earth
deliberately spoofed the title of this famous book when choosing
their name. In similar way, the one man a cappella rock band Paska named its debut album Women Are From Venus, Men From
Anus.
- The band Four Year Strong played off the title
in their song "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Hell".
- In the first season of the television show, Smallville, the
episode entitled "Crush" finds Lex Luthor walking in on Clark Kent
reading the book in order to sort out his feelings for Lana Lang
and Chloe Sulivan. Lex Luthor tells Clark the book is not going to
help him.
- Geri
Halliwell's song 'Bag it up', which calls for a reversal of
traditional male/female roles, contains the lyrics Men are from
Venus/and girls are from Mars.
- John Gray appeared on Season 2, Episode 3 of Penn &
Teller's Bullshit! which covered true
love.
- The book was the basis for a 1999 CD-ROM which featured author John Gray and
a 2000 television talk show
hosted by Cybill
Shepherd which lasted one season.
- Gray adapted Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus
as musical romantic comedy; it premiered at Broadway's Gerschwin
Theater from January 27-Feb 2, 1997, and was later performed at the
Flamingo Hotel and Casino, Las Vegas, in 2001.
- The American neo-conservative
Robert Kagan used
the term "Americans
are from Mars and Europeans are from Venus" to describe
their use of power in world affairs. (Americans tend to use hard power, military
might and threats, while the Europeans uses "soft power," which is economic, diplomatic
and political power). This term, one could say, comes from the
book's title.
- In Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason, Bridget deploys
multiple copies of the book in a Thai women's prison.
- In the South
Park movie South Park: Bigger, Longer &
Uncut, Satan is seen reading a book titled Saddam Is From
Mars, Satan Is From Venus.
- There was a Camp
Lazlo episode entitled "Beans are from Mars", where the
Squirrel Scouts suspect that the Jelly Beans are from another
planet.
- In a 3rd Rock From The
Sun episode, Dick, having no clue about Earth culture,
fills out a crossword that reads: Men are from Mars, Women are from
"a five letter word starting with V". Dick incorrectly but
humorously fills in "Vegas".
- In Futurama,
"It is true what they say: Women are from Omicron Persei 7, men are
from Omicron Persei 9." In one episode Amy is also seen reading a
book titled "Martians are from Mars, Venusians are from
Venus."
- The book was also featured in the film Clueless as one
of Cher's book choices for the week.
- In the Family Guy Episode "To Live and Die in Dixie", Peter takes the
title literally suggesting that Chris buy thick layers of sulfuric
clouds for his girlfriend.
- In the movie What Women Want starring Mel Gibson:
Bette Midler the psychologist says "If men are from Mars and women
are from Venus and you speak Venutian, the world can be
yours."
- The title is spoofed in the 1996 Peanuts book, Dogs Are from Jupiter, Cats
Are from the Moon.
- The book is mentioned in the film adaptation of Louise
Rennison's novel, "Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal
Snogging,"(Georgia gets the book from her mum), and also in her
series.
- British Indie Rock band Curve featured a song called "Men are
from Mars, Women are from Venus" on their 1993 album "Cuckoo".
- A 1997 collection of columns by American humorist Dave Barry
(all of which originally appeared in the Miami Herald newspaper) is
published under the title "Dave Barry is from Mars and Venus".
- In a skit on Saturday Night Live, Norm MacDonald portrayed Dr.
John Gray as extremely effeminate and basically guessing what
normal men are like.
- The anime series Vandread takes the title's concept to the
literal extreme by having a situation where men and women are
totally segregated and living on two different planets (Men on the
planet Taraak, Women on the planet Mejere) which
at war with each other (hence also alluding to the Battle of the Sexes
concept).
- In the 2008 Movie Angus, Thongs and
Perfect Snogging, Georgia's mum gives her a copy of the book
after Jas confesses about Robbie.
- In 2003 Anberlin wrote a song called "Foreign Language" based
on this book.
- Matthew Bellamy has said that the song "Cave" was inspired by
the book.
- In 2009 Jay-Z released a song of the album Blueprint 3 entitled
"Venus vs. Mars"
See also
External
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