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Men Behaving Badly
Men Behaving Badly title card.jpg
Series logo, which appears before the closing credits rolled. Gary and Tony dance badly in the background.
Format Sitcom
Created by Simon Nye
Written by Simon Nye
Directed by Martin Dennis
Starring Martin Clunes
Leslie Ash
Caroline Quentin
Neil Morrissey
Valerie Minifie
Ian Lindsay
Harry Enfield
Country of origin United Kingdom
No. of series 6
No. of episodes 42 (List of Episodes)
Production
Producer(s) Hartswood Films
Running time 30 minutes
Broadcast
Original channel ITV, then
BBC One
Picture format 4:3 (1992-1997)
16:9 (1998)
Original run 18 February 1992 – 28 December 1998

Men Behaving Badly is a British comedy that was created and written by Simon Nye. It follows the lives of flatmates Gary and Tony, and was first broadcast on ITV in 1992. A total of six series were made along with a Christmas special and three final feature-length episodes.

The series was filmed in and around Ealing in west London and the final scene of series six was filmed at the Cerne Abbas giant.

It was produced by Hartswood Films, and Thames Television co-produced the first two series for ITV. They also assisted with production of the third series onwards that aired on the BBC.

After being moved to a post-watershed slot on BBC1, Men Behaving Badly became highly successful. It was controversially voted the best sitcom in the BBC's history at the corporation's 60th anniversary celebrations in 1996, and it came sixteenth in the Britain's Best Sitcom poll commissioned in 2004 on BBC2. It has also won the Comedy Awards' best ITV comedy, and the first National Television Award for Situation Comedy.[1]

In a BBC article, it is suggested Gary and Tony were "a reaction against the onset of the caring, sharing 'new man'. It appeared to revel in a politically incorrect world of booze, burps and boobs". Nevertheless, critics Jon Lewis and Penny Stempel have stated the show "allowed male viewers to indulge in vicarious laddism, whilst allowing female viewers to ridicule the bad but lovable Tony and Gary". They also commented that "it was also a genuine sitcom in that the humour came from the characters and their context". Simon Nye remarked: "I don't do mad, plot-driven farragoes. You have to allow your characters time to talk".[2]

Recently, the show has been repeated on BBC1 and G.O.L.D., and all six series are available on DVD. Martin Clunes has recently admitted that he's "been watching the Men Behaving Badly repeats on TV, and laughing like a git!" [3 ]

Contents

Cast

  • Gary Strang (Martin Clunes) - Gary operates a security sales office with two old-fashioned middle-aged subordinates. He also owns the flat that he and flatmate Tony occupy. Gary is a man in his thirties, and enjoys talk of girls and indulges in lager and a perpetual childhood with best friend Tony. Gary on occasions makes a fool of himself; foolishness that is quickly exploited by girlfriend Dorothy. Despite his stereotypical masculinity, at heart, Gary is a gentle soul and loves Dorothy.
  • Dermot Povey (Harry Enfield) - Dermot is Gary's original flat mate featured only in series one. Like Tony, Dermot is forever failing to pay his way at Gary's flat and is desperately in love with Deborah. Dermot both lies and cheats in an attempt to garner success with Deborah. However, like Tony, he fails miserably.

Tony and Dermot are similar in character, although Dermot is slightly more introverted and repressed. He is only mentioned twice after his departure, the first to explain that he simply isn't coming home, and the second in the first episode of series five, when Dorothy recalls him to which Gary replies "Did I tell you he got a job at Euro-Disney testing the rides?"

  • Tony Smart (Neil Morrissey) - Tony is Gary's good looking semi-stud flatmate, who is forever in love and always obsessed with the 'blonde babe' upstairs, Deborah. Tony is softer than Gary and at times even more childish than him. Tony drifts from job to job and fails to pay his rent to Gary. Like his flat mate, Tony enjoys girls, lager, and an eternal childhood. Despite Gary's initial reservations, Tony soon replaces Dermot in the role of Gary's best friend.
  • Dorothy Bishop (Caroline Quentin) - Dorothy is Gary's sharp-tongued girlfriend who's a nurse. She lives with her parents, due to the fact her mother threatens to "kill herself if she moves out". Dorothy loves Gary. However, his immaturity and other aspects of his character cause the pair to occasionally drift apart. Dorothy isn't always treated satisfactorily by Gary; being lied to and occasionally cheated on, she doesn't hesitate to get her revenge by humiliating Gary and cheating on him herself.
  • Deborah (Leslie Ash) - Deborah is an attractive blonde woman who lives in the flat above Gary and Tony. Deborah works in a restaurant, and although semi-attracted to Tony herself, his selfishness, immaturity and other aspects of his character push her away just as they begin to get close. Deborah is frequently changing her mind about Tony, a character she both loves and loathes simultaneously.

Other characters

  • George (Ian Lindsay) - an old, shy, cardigan-wearing office worker. Both he and Anthea are tolerant ears for Gary to moan out his problems. George leads a very unambitious life. His wife Marjorie (who is never seen) works in productions of dramas like Dr Zhivago and others. George is also a huge fan of the 1960s folk group The Seekers.
  • Anthea (Valerie Minifie) - an introverted spinster secretary, who, like George, is very old fashioned. Gary is known to take out his frustration on Anthea, one of his more common punishments being to lock her in the office cupboard.
  • Les (Dave Atkins) - The 'dribbly' landlord of The Crown, the pub that the main characters frequent. Les is known for his disgusting manner and his service of offering locals a goodbye gherkin.
  • Ken (John Thomson) - Replaces Les as the landlord of The Crown from series 5 onwards. Ken has never managed a pub before, and so is clueless with regards to pub terminology and common practice. He got the position because his brother is 'sleeping with' the brewery's personnel manager, Mrs Swift.

Other characters include Clive - a friend of Gary's who never appears on screen. Writer Simon Nye played the minor role of Clive in series 6, wearing a bright green suit. Also, Neville runs the record stall with Tony in series 2.

Plot summary

Gary and Tony are two beer-guzzling flatmates, revelling in a second childhood, hours of TV and mindless talks about women; kind of behaviour that puts their relationships with Dorothy (Gary's girlfriend) and Deborah (an attractive blonde in the flat above) in jeopardy.

Gary manages an office selling burglar alarms for a dead-end company. His staff are two ageing employees: the hen-pecked George and eternal spinster Anthea, who regularly drive him to exasperation with their old-fashioned ways. Tony stumbles through a range of jobs including modelling, bar work and miming, after his record stall collapsing (somewhat literally).

Dorothy is a quick-witted, sensible nurse. She and Gary frequently split up and are occasionally unfaithful, but always end up back together. Tony has many girlfriends but his true feelings are for Deborah, who Tony initially just wants to have sex with, but quickly falls in love with her.

Tony and Deborah finally end up in a relationship in series 6, as writer Simon Nye was keen on progressing the plot.[3 ]

The show's origins

The show is based on Simon Nye's 1989 book of the same title. TV producer Beryl Vertue came across the novel and tracked down Nye, believing it was suited for television adaptation. Harry Enfield was then cast first, and persuaded Martin Clunes that he should join the show.

The first series features Martin Clunes as Gary Strang, and Harry Enfield as his flatmate, Dermot Povey, but Enfield felt out of place in the sitcom and decided to quit. It has also been reported that Enfield has claimed he felt uncomfortable in the programme, and left stating that a "proper actor" would do the job far better. Simon Nye has stated that ITV picked up the series partly because Enfield had agreed to star in it, and his departure influenced ITV's decision to cancel the show after just two series, when audience figures were poor. It has been claimed that this was due to ITV giving it a poor slot in the schedules, forcing the 'bad behaviour' to be toned down.

In 1994, the show went to the BBC, who aired a further four series. The shift to a new station and a later timeslot meant, as the BBC have stated, the show could relish in "more colourful language and behaviour". The show became highly successful on BBC1, winning numerous awards, along with its writer and its stars.[3 ]

The first series featuring Enfield has never been repeated on the BBC, although the second ITV series has been shown.[3 ]

Episodes

The show aired for six series and forty two episodes, including a Christmas special titled 'Jingle Balls', which was broadcast over Christmas 1997. A final short run of three 45 minute episodes was made in 1998 to conclude the series. These were broadcast over Christmas, like the 'final' three episodes of Only Fools And Horses two years earlier.

Series one was the only series to feature Dermot, played by Harry Enfield, and the only series not to feature Neil Morrissey as Tony. The episodes of the first two series are about 24 minutes long because they were shown on ITV and time was needed for advertisements. When the show began on the BBC, the episodes were about four minutes longer.

DVD releases

All six series are available on region 2 DVD separately, and a complete collection featuring all six series is also available. The 1997 Christmas special and final trilogy are also available on DVD.

Owing to licensing difficulties, the music at the beginning of episode one 'Hair' and the rave in episode five 'Cardigan' had to be changed for the Series 5 DVD.

The DVD of the final trilogy is also only in 4:3 centre cut-out rather than the 16:9 format the episodes were originally made in.

Impact

The series was not without controversy as it was claimed young males were copying their 'bad behaviour', and in the public imagination, it has become synonymous with the mid 1990s lad culture phenomenon. In one scene, Gary and Tony pretend to be a gay Welsh couple in order to frighten away a potential buyer of Deborah's flat. In one of the final episodes, Dorothy wakes up to find a tissue stuck to her face, which Gary had used after masturbating; this was even more controversial considering its broadcast over Christmas. The Christmas Special also features jokes relating to adult themes, which some audiences considered to be unsuitable for Christmas viewing.

Clunes once claimed that he and Morrissey were banned from advertising lager on commercial television because their roles had made them an influence on children, even though the show was broadcast after the watershed.

Other appearances and references

  • A brief sequence was included in Comic Relief 1997, titled 'Men Behaving Very Badly Indeed' and featured a guest appearance by Kylie Minogue. Although references to her were in the series, this sketch had her showing up at the flat, with both Gary and Tony failing to recognise her. It was released on DVD as part of the 2002 VCI release 'Seriously Funny!'
  • Another brief appearance was for Comic Relief 1999, which showed a 'Swinging Sixties' version of the show via recently discovered black-and-white footage, known as 'The Naughty Boys'.
  • Women Exercising Madly features the four main characters in a short scene at the start, while the main content is Debs and Dorothy taking part in a humorous exercise video, intercut with scenes from other series, before the girls get home and collapse with exhaustion.
  • Though completely unrelated to the show, Neil Morrissey lent his name to a cheap sell-through video, Neil Morrissey's Motorbike Mania. The video, which features low quality footage of motorbikes and occasional vignettes featuring Morrissey, was marketed as though it was related to the series, with phrases including "Wahay mates!" and 'behaving badly' used liberally throughout the inlay. It was later re-released as 'Bikes Behaving Badly'.
  • After his departure from the show, a regular sketch in Harry Enfield's Television Programme features the character of 1950s television presenter Mr Cholmondeley-Warner. In one episode, he looks at the future of television, and among the envisaged programmes was one called 'Men Behaving Splendidly'.
  • Clunes and Morrissey travelled to Australia to make and host/star in the series 'Men Down Under', which featured them as themselves, rather than as their characters, exploring Aussie 'bloke' culture.
  • Morrissey and Ash appeared together after the series ended, but using their real names, in a series of commercials for the national DIY chain Homebase.

US version

The series was remade for US television, broadcast on NBC 1996-1997, starred Rob Schneider, Ken Marino, Ron Eldard and Justine Bateman, and took place in Indianapolis, Indiana.[4] As a result, the original series was eventually screened in the US on BBC America as British Men Behaving Badly, whilst in Australia, the US series was broadcast (on the Seven Network) as It's a Man's World.

See also

References

  1. ^ (Book) Cult TV: The Comedies, the ultimate critical guide-Jon E Lewis and Penny Stempel
  2. ^ (Book) Cult TV: The Comedies, the ultimate critical guide - Jon E Lewis and Penny Stempel
  3. ^ a b c d BBC - Comedy - Men Behaving Badly
  4. ^ Men Behaving Badly (US) - TV.com

External links


Quotes

Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

Men Behaving Badly is a British sitcom that ran for 6 seasons, and also included various special episodes.

Contents

Season 1

Episode 2: "The Bet"

Dermot: You've left it a bit late, haven't you? She's probably off to see this new bloke now.
Gary: No, she saw him last night.
Dermot: That must be why she was looking so knackered.
Gary: If you must know, they were up late playing chess
Dermot: Is that what she told you?
Gary: What's that supposed to mean?
Dermot: No, you're probably right actually. When you first start seeing someone, you can't stop playing chess with each other, can you? You meet to go to a movie, have a quick game of chess before you go, rush home afterwards have another game of chess. Possibly in the shower, when you're all soapy. Then in the morning, you play with each other's pieces again. Even if you've woken up in the night and whopped your bishop out. Then you see her bending over to do her shoes up, and you can't resist giving her a right good chessing before she goes to work.
Dermot: Bye, Graham, nice to meet you. Must have a game of chess some time.
Graham: Sorry, I don't play chess.
Gary: What?
Graham: I don't play chess.
Gary: Oh, you "don't play chess"?
Graham: No, I don't
Gary: You, don't play chess! HOW DARE YOU NOT PLAY CHESS WITH MY DOROTHY!
Graham: I'm sorry.
Gary: GET OUT OF MY FLAT, THE PAIR OF YOU!
Graham: [to Dorothy] Is he always like this?
Gary: GET OFF TO YOUR POCKSY HOSPITAL, AND DON'T PLAY CHESS TOGETHER! GET OUT!

Season 3

Episode 1: "Lovers"

Gary: Let's face it, Tony, the only way you're gonna be in there is that if you're both marooned on a deserted island and she eats a poisonous berry or a nut which makes her temporarily deaf, dumb, stupid, forgetful and desperate for sex.
Gary: Does this office have to sound like an episode of Little House On The Prairie?
Anthea: Well, we're a bit like that, aren't we? Little Office On The Prairie.
Gary: Don't be twee, Anthea.

Episode 4: "Weekend"

[on the way to the countryside]
Dorothy: Maybe I should move down here.
Gary: Nah, you'd miss the sophisticated city talk.
Dorothy: What, you and Tony discussing the most comfortable pants you've ever had?
Gary: That's a bit unfair. Oh, look at those lovely hedges... so what are the most comfortable pants you've ever had?

Episode 6: "Marriage"

[on his daffodil present to Deborah being thrown away]
Tony: Excuse me! That was a present.
Ray: Oh, yeah, right, I could tell it was from you, it was scrawny, served no obvious purpose, and neither of us liked it.
Tony: Well, I'll have it back then, please.
Deborah: Why?
Tony: I wanna do some cuttings.
Deborah: How can you do cuttings from a dead daffodil?
Tony: You make incisions in the green, middle, stick-y bit, put it in the airing cupboard, couple of days, hey-presto... tulips!

Season 4

Episode 3: "Pornography"

[after finding Tony's stash of porographic magazines]'
Jill: Does that really turn you on?
Tony: How can that possib... yeah, it does actually.
Jill: How can it?
Tony: She's naked.
Jill: Yeah, but she's obviously freezing to death, she's sitting on a fork-lift truck feeling exposed, and stupid, and like a piece of meat. How can that turn you on?
Tony: Well, she's naked, look at it.
Gary: Look, Deborah, you're a girl...
Deborah: No. I was a girl, now I'm a woman.
Gary: How does that work then?

Episode 4: "Three Girlfriends"

Gary: Do you wanna come in?
Dorothy: I'd better not.
Gary: Don't worry, we found out where that faint musky smell came from. It was Tony.
Dorothy: No, I'd just rather be somewhere a bit more neutral.
Gary: Switzerland?
Gary: I've been a Vulcan for 25 years.
Sylvia: Vulcan? Don't you mean "vegan"?
Gary: What, with these ears? [laughs]

Episode 5: "Drunk"

Tony: [drunk] So, how did you happen upon Les' watering hole? I mean two girls in a pub, by themselves. To me that spells: D - A - N - G - E - R
Girl In Pub: To us it spelt: M - A - R - L - B - O - R - O
Tony: [drunk] Middlesbrough?
Gary: [drunk] Bed? Bed's for sleepy people! Let's get a kebab and go to a disco!
Gary: [drunk] Time, gentlemen, please! Haven't you got homosexuals to go to?
Tony: [drunk] I am kneeling... I am kneeling... on the floor... outside the pub...
Tony: [drunk] DEBORAH! I FUCKING LOVE YOU! COME DOWN! I WANT YOU!
Tony: [drunk] Can I give you a scone, and some protection?
Deborah: Why do I have to live above two drunk morons?
Tony: [drunk] You don't! Who says you do? Just stay here in your flat.

Episode 6: "In Bed With Dorothy"

Optician: What about contact lenses?
Tony: Ooh, no, no. I couldn't have something up against me eye. You know, right there, staring at me.
Optician: I would imagine it's no more uncomfortable than wearing a condom, say.
Tony: How d'you wear a condom on your eye?
[talking about pain thresholds]
Gary: I mean, look at the fuss women make about child birth. Now, I'm not saying it doesn't smart a bit, but if blokes did it, I reckon you'd be looking at, what, give birth, have a couple of Paracetamol, maybe a bit of a nap and then back to work within the hour.

Episode 7: "Playing Away"

Dorothy: Rearrange these words to form a sentence: Tony, and, Gary, are, morons, witless.
Tony: Morons are witless, Tony Gary... and?
Dorothy: Nearly.
Deborah: Who wanted the painkillers?
Tony: Oh, me, ta.
Deborah: What's wrong?
Tony: Toothache, little son of a bitch tosser down at the back...
Deborah: Did you see the dentist?
Tony: Mmm, yeah.
Deborah: What did he say?
Tony: I can't remember it was in 1986.
Tony: Maybe I should go on this creative writing course, I was always dead good at poetry at school. "I wandered lonely, as a clown, that flows on high o'er shoes and grass, when all o' the once I spied a crow, a hostess of goldy daffs"
[after pulling out a tooth and blood pouring from his mouth, Tony calls the hospital]
Tony: Eyo? An I beak u Goyothy, pease? Goyothy. Gee, Oh... No, Gee, ike in Gog. Gee, Oh, Jee. Jee, ike giraffe. Yeah. O! Dorothy, oo arole, le e eplain! Dorothy! Dorothy!... Eyo, Dorothy. I ust pulled by ooth out. I ondered if oo ould ing e some ainkillers om the ospiyall affer oor hift. Yeah. I'm in uite ayot o pain. Yeah. I eel a bit faint, yeah. I ink I'll ave a i down. Yeah, bye.

Season 5

Episode 3: "Cowardice"

Gary: What exactly do lesbians do?
Tony: I dunno, I suppose they just, sort of... rub each other.
Gary: Yeaah, doesn't seem enough, somehow, does it?
Tony: And one lies on top of the other one, and...
Gary/Tony: ...get off again.
Gary: Brilliant.
Tony: Fantastic.
[Deborah leaves Judy at the bar with Tony]
Tony: So how are you two lesbians? Ladians, er... ladies.
Judy: Sorry?
Tony: Are you sleeping with Deborah? Erm... are you sleeping in the same flat as Deborah, at the same time on whatever basis?
Judy: Yes, just for a few days.
Tony: What... kind of things do you get up to?
Judy: Y'know, just running around together.
Tony: Naked?
Judy: "Naked"?
Tony: Oh, I'm sorry, I've got this disease that makes me say the wrong word.
Judy: What's it called?
Tony: I don't know. I live underneath Deborah.
Judy: Oh, lucky you, must be nice and warm.
[Tony looks shocked]
Tony: Do you eat food?
Judy: Why?
Tony: I was wondering if you'd like to go for a meal with me sometime.
Judy: I don't think so.
Tony: Any particular reason why?
Judy: Just a question of taste I suppose.
Tony: Okay, your lifestyle choice.
[Deborah returns from toilet]
Tony: That'll be one pound sexy, er, sixty.

Episode 5: "Cardigan"

[Gary, Dorothy, Deborah and Tony are in a car, lost whilst looking for a rave]
Dorothy: I've had enough. I'm turning back.
Gary: [drunkenly] Had enough? Turning back? Are you mad? Are you... madder than Brian Mad of Madcastle? Are you!?
Deborah: Come on, it's two o'clock in the morning.
Gary: No! Absolutely no; we're having a brilliant time! It's two o'clock, and we haven't even got there yet, now that's very fashionable - I read it in a magazine, of, er... well some sort [pauses] or other.

Episode 6: "Rich & Fat"

[Gary & Tony are drunk and playing Monopoly; Tony is rolling the die]
Tony: Eight, eight... yeah! Three. Ooh, chance. Nervous, really nervous. Haa, yeah! Get outta jail free card! Is that just for Monopoly, or does it work in real life too?
Gary: I think it's just fornopoly
[they sit back and Tony uncovers his belly]
Tony: You see, the thing about the human body is, as we know, is that it is a temple.
Gary: Yep
Tony: It's just that my temple seems to have grown into a slightly larger temple.
Gary: With a big wobbly dome
[Gary jiggles Tony's belly]
Tony: Anyway, there's a load of nonsense talked about fat, i'n't there? I mean, no-one ever went up to Winston Churchill, and said, "Hey, Winnie, you can't lead Britain in to victory in the Second World War, because you're a bit of a chubber".
Gary: Or, "Excuse me, Mister Meat Loaf, you seem to be carrying an extra few pounds around, you can make no more hit records until you can squeez into some smaller denims". Do you want another oyster?
Tony: No, thanks, mate. They disagree with me.
Gary: [as oyster] "No we don't"
[both laugh drunkenly]

Season 6

Episode 1: "Stag Night"

Dorothy: Gary, when I was away, did you sleep with a woman?
Gary: How do you mean "woman"?
Dorothy: A woman. You know, the ones with what you and Tony call "shirt potatoes".

Episode 4: "Watching TV"

Gary: You know Felicity Kendal?
Deborah/Dorothy: Yes.
Gary: She was deliciously pert, wasn't she?
Deborah/Dorothy: Yes.
Gary: You know the Magic Roundabout?
Deborah/Dorothy: Yes?
Gary: What the Hell was that all about?

Episode 5: "Ten"

Tony: Debs, will you do me a favour?
Deborah: What?
Tony: Will you have sex with me in a tree?
[to Dorothy's ten-year-old nephew, Jonathan]
Gary: Grow up to be a decent member of society.
Tony: Play lots of sport.
Gary: Eat fruit, and, er, celery, and help old ladies cross the street, that sort of thing.
Tony: Mmm, except Debs' mum.
Gary: Yeah. Don't help her.
Tony: No. Hinder her.
Gary: Hinder her from crossing the street.
[calling out to Jonathan as he leaves]
Tony: And just remember, eat plenty of celery.
Gary: Yeah, and help old ladies across the street.
Tony: Yeah, except Debs' mum!
Gary: Yeah, except Debs' mum!
[Deborah's mum appears behind them]
Tony: Because she's not old!
Gary: Not old.
Tony: Not in the slightest.
Gary: In any way.
Tony: At all.
Gary: Leg it.

Episode 6: "Sofa"

Dorothy: Gary, you must've had this sofa for 25 years.
Gary: Yeah, and my parents kept the polythene on for the first six.
Dorothy: It's got some horrible stains on it.
Gary: Where?
Dorothy: There. There. There. There.
Deborah: There. Here. There.
Dorothy: There. There. There.
Deborah: There.
Gary: Well, I can't see any.
Deborah: Oh, and what's that, there?
Dorothy: Err.
Gary: Ooh, yeah, that is a bit worrying.
Gary: ...the work thing never really gelled for you, did it?
Tony: Gelled, no. Well it's not natural is it? Man was meant to hunt, fish and forage in the open air.
Gary: Well, why aren't you doing that, then?
Tony: You know I get a bit chesty in the open air.

Last Orders

Part 1: "Performance"

[on Dorothy & Gary's baby attempts]
Gary: I'll tell you a secret, you have to promise not to tell anyone though.
Tony: Sure.
Gary: To be honest, I'm having a bit of a problem... performing.
Tony: What, you mean...
Gary: Yeah.
Tony: The fire's burning but the logs not going in?
Gary: Yeah.
Tony: Mr. Toad's still curled up in Toad Hall?
Gary: Yeah.
Tony: The magic bus doesn't want to go to Manchester?
Gary: Thanks, no, it doesn't. Still, it's not a problem, happens to most men, sometime in their life.
Tony: Sure, mate, no, you'll be alright.
Gary: Thanks, mate.
Tony: Doesn't make you any less of a man, does it? Just because... you're a big poof.
[Tony runs away]
Gary: What?
[on Gary's impotence]
Ken: Hello, Gary, I hear the old Boy Scout's not going into the sleeping bag.
[on Gary's impotence]
Tony: I hear there's been a power-cut in the Little Hampton area
[on Gary's impotence]
Dorothy: It doesn't matter, love.
Gary: I know it doesn't.
Dorothy: Well, it does actually, if we're trying to have a baby.
Gary: I've always thought a good name for a folk band would be: "Folk Off And Die, Folkhead".

Part 2: "Gary In Love"

Deborah: It can take a long time to get pregnant, can't it?
Tony: Oh yeah, everything has to be right, the womb has to be in the right cycle; the, um, placebo has to be aligned with the aviary; and the seed must be freed.
Gary: [drunk] You know, I've never said this before...
Tony: [drunk] What?
Gary: "Ibble-wibble wibble".
[both laugh drunkenly]
Dorothy: Gary doesn't understand periods. He thinks they're something to do with the moon.
[Tony is trying to destroy a giant plastic fish with a finger-nail-file]
Deborah: I saw Gary kissing a woman.
[Tony stops filing]
Tony: A woman other than Dorothy?
Deborah: Yes.
Tony: Are you sure it wasn't Dorothy in disguise?
Deborah: Yes.
Tony: Or someone disguised as Gary?
Deborah: Yes.
Tony: Blimey... Wayhey!
Deborah: No, Tony, not "wayhey".
Tony: No, not "wayhey", sorry.
Deborah: Gary seemed really keen on this girl, and Dorothy thinks she's pregnant, it's all a big mess.
Tony: Oh, yes. Still, wayhey!
Deborah: No!
Tony: No. No, not, no.
Deborah: Talk to Gary, he'll listen to you.
Tony: He doesn't do anything I tell him to do, except for his Ken Dodd impression, he doesn't mind doing that.
Deborah: Well, find this girl, warn her off Gary. She's one of the delegates. I think her name's Wendy. Here...
[She takes one of Gary's suits from the cupboard]
...wear this, and mingle.
Tony: Alright, but you must stay, and file my fish.
Deborah: No.
Gary: Dorothy thinks she might be pregnant.
Tony: How do they know?
Gary: I don't know, I think it's something to do with... no, I don't know.

Part 3: "Delivery"

Tony: Are you alright?
Dorothy: Well, let's see, everything's twice the size it was nine months ago and I'm growing another head inside me.
Gary: [drunk] I'm sorry if I've ever been mean, have I ever been mean?
George/Anthea: Yes
Gary: No, be honest. I think we should be more honest. Or do I mean more sexy?
[Dorothy has been in labour for four hours]
Dorothy: FUCK! FUCK! BASTARD MEN! YOU BASTARD, BASTARD MEN! Sorry, was I shouting?
Midwife: Just a bit. Nearly there.
[knocks at the door]
Dorothy: WHAT FUCKING TIME DO YOU CALL THIS, YOU FUCKER?!
[Gary has just knocked out the midwife with a door]
Gary: [drunk] That's probably normal.
Gary: [drunk] That's alright I'll call the ambulance, what's the number? It's 9 - something.
[Dorothy is in labour; Tony & Gary are drinking lagers]
Gary: Bottoms up. NOT YOU, LOVE!







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