From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
- For the more general concept, see Mixed marriage
A mixed-orientation marriage is a marriage between a man and a woman in which one of the partners is heterosexual and the other is either bisexual,
homosexual, or asexual.[1]
LGB
spouse
There may be many reasons why an LGB person may enter into a
mixed-orientation marriage. A study on 26 gay and bisexual men
indicated that the two most frequent reasons for marriage were that
it seemed natural, and a desire for children and family life.[2] The New York Times reported "On the whole these
are not marriages of convenience or cynical efforts to create
cover. Gay and bisexual men continue to marry for complex reasons,
many impelled not only by discrimination, but also by wishful
thinking, the layered ambiguities of sexual love and authentic
affection."[3]
A mixed-orientation marriage used to cover up one's sexual
orientation, especially for their career, is called a lavender
marriage.[4]
Joe Kort, a counselor specializing in mixed-orientation
marriages, said "These men genuinely love their wives. They fall in
love with their wives, they have children, they're on a chemical,
romantic high, and then after about seven years, the high falls
away and their gay identity starts emerging. They don't mean any
harm."[3]
Others cite spiritual reasons for getting married.[5][6] One
married homosexual man said his "spiritual identity" had always
been "marriage and family."[7]
While many hide their orientation from their spouse, others tell
their spouse before marriage.[7]
LGB parents must also decide how and when to come out to their
children. For many, this may be a difficult process.[8] It is
also possible that a woman was exclusively heterosexual in behavior
and fantasies before marriage, but grew toward a more homosexual
orientation during marriage.[9] If a
change in sexual orientation after a period of relative stability
in sexual orientation causes anxiety or depression, especially if
the person is involved in a relationship, they may have a sexual maturation
disorder.
Heterosexual
spouse
There may be many reasons why a heterosexual person may enter
into a mixed orientation marriage. One study states that
heterosexual women in mixed-orientation marriages may be attracted
to homosexual men and proceed to marry them.[10] Kort
said "straight individuals rarely marry gay people
accidentally."[11] He
theorized that some heterosexual women find homosexual men less
judgmental and more flexible, while others unconsciously seek
partnerships that are not sexually passionate.[3]
Heterosexual wives of homosexual men who did not know of their
husband's sexual orientation may feel deceived or stupid for not
having known. It is often difficult for them to seek support from
family and friends because of fear of encountering social
disapproval or ostracism.[12]
Findings suggest that heterosexual wives struggled less with the
homosexuality itself than with problems of isolation, stigma, loss,
cognitive confusion and dissonance, and lack of knowledgeable,
empathic support or help in problem solving.[13]
Heterosexual wives often feel they are not feminine enough, while
heterosexual husbands feel they are not masculine enough. The
heterosexual spouse may feel sexual inadequate. If a gay or
bisexual husband had an affair, the heterosexual wife may fear
having contracted sexually transmitted diseases.[14]
Sexual relationship
disorder
A person who is either in a mixed-orientation marriage or wishes
to enter into one may go to therapy or support groups to deal with
issues involved in that type of marriage.[15] A
significant number of men and women experience conflict surrounding
homosexual expression within marriage.[16]
Although a strong homosexual identity was associated with
difficulties in marital satisfaction, viewing the same-sex
activities as compulsive facilitated commitment to the marriage and
to monogamy.[17]
Research by Coleman suggest that some develop a positive homosexual
identity while maintaining a successful marriage.[18]
Therapy may include helping the client feel more comfortable and
accepting of same-sex feelings and to explore ways of incorporating
same-sex and opposite-sex feelings into life patterns.[19] Peers
provide the most support, while therapists are often unfamiliar
with sexual orientation, mixed orientation couples, or societal
attitudes that impact mixed orientation families.[20]
Approximately one third of marriages end immediately when the
bisexual or homosexual spouse reveals his or her sexual
orientation, whereas another third end after a short period of
time. The remaining third try to make it work. The most successful
ones reassess their relationship in light of the sexual
orientation, where less successful ones try to make the marriage
the same as it was before. Most successful marriages are either open marriages,
where neither partner is expected to remain faithful, or monogamous marriages, either with or
without lovemaking.[14]
A person with a bisexual or homosexual orientation may attempt
conversion
therapy, often because of religious/moral conflict, opportunity
for opposite-sex marriage and family, maintenance of existing
marriage and family, or desire to avoid the non-monogamy and risky
sexual behaviors that create serious risk for HIV infection.[21] They
may also attend ex-gay groups,
either before or after their marriage.[22] Dr.
Robinson interviewed seven men in a mixed-orientation marriage who
had been through an ex-gay group. They believe they had a spiritual
transformation and that their orientation was changed. They were no
longer troubled by feeling different or rejected by heterosexual
men, emotional attraction to men, sexual attraction to men, feeling
bad about same-sex desires, social isolation, or compulsive sexual
thoughts and behaviors. Robinson found that their change came from
a new understanding that prior same-sex attractions did not
require them to be gay.[23]
Some bisexual men express with minimal conflict their homosexual
and heterosexual impulses within the framework of a
mixed-orientation marriage,[24] with
openness and communication being a key factor.[25]
Support groups are available for those involved in a
mixed-orientation marriage. The New York Times
states "Although precise numbers are impossible to come by, 10,000
to 20,000 wives of gay husbands have contacted online support
groups, and increasing numbers of them are women in their 20s or
30s."[3]
Divorce
Divorce is one possible
resolution for the homosexual partner, potentially with re-marriage
to person of the same sex. Many gay and lesbian people who come out
late in life have children from a previous heterosexual
marriage.
In media
The theme of mixed-orientation marriages in literature dates
back at least to 1899 with the publication of A Marriage Below
Zero by Alfred J. Cohen (writing under the pseudonym Chester
Allan Dale). Cohen's heterosexual female narrator was married to a
homosexual man. Cohen believed that women should be aware of the
sexual orientation of a potential husband so they would avoid
marrying a homosexual man.[26] Lesbian
pulp fiction sometimes included married women exploring their
attraction to other women. Other examples of the theme include
Brokeback
Mountain by Annie Proulx, which features two married
cowboys in love with each other.
The filmed version of Brokeback Mountain helped bring
the issue of mixed-orientation marriages to public attention,[3]
but several other movies had already dealt with the issue. Talk
shows, such as Oprah, have also dealt with the issue.[27] Some
of the movies that deal with mixed-orientation marriages
include:
- Brokeback Mountain
- De-Lovely -
The story of Cole Porter, a bisexual man and his wife, Linda Lee
Thomas.
- Far From Heaven - The story of a woman
whose husband has an affair with another man.
- Imagine Me & You - Story
of a straight woman who falls in love with a lesbian at her
wedding.
- The Wedding Banquet - Story of
a gay Taiwanese immigrant man who marries a mainland Chinese woman
to placate his parents and get her a green card.
- Mulligans - The story of a gay man who spends the summer with
his best friend's family and begins an affair with the father.
Famous
couples
There have been several famous celebrities who are in a
mixed-orientation marriage, including:
- Anne Heche married
Coleman Laffoon after breaking up with Ellen DeGeneres. She told Advocate "I have been very
clear to everybody that just because I'm getting married does not
mean I call myself a straight."
- Julie Cypher
married Matthew
Hale after breaking up with Melissa Etheridge.
- Margaret Cho
is married to Al Ridenour and identifies as queer.[28]
- Anthony
Perkins married Berry Berenson. He had previous
relationships with Rock
Hudson and Tab
Hunter, dancer Rudolf Nureyev, composer/lyricist Stephen
Sondheim and dancer-choreographer Grover Dale, but underwent therapy
after meeting Victoria Principal.
- Cole Porter, who
was described as "an openly closeted gay man,"[29]
was married to Linda Lee Thomas. Their marriage was
the subject of Night and Day, but his
sexuality was ignored. A later film, De-Lovely, dealt more openly with his
sexuality.
- Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day married Adrienne
Nesser in 1994 and together they have two kids. In a 1995
interview with The
Advocate, he said "I think I've always been bisexual. I
mean, it's something that I've always been interested in."[30][31]
- David Bowie came
out as bisexual in 1972[32] and
married Iman
Abdulmajid in 1992.
- Oscar Wilde
married Constance Lloyd, but may have had significant sexual
relationships with Frank
Miles, Robert Baldwin
Ross, and Lord Alfred Douglas.
- Little
Richard was married in 1959 and his biography, The Life and
Times of Little Richard details his involvement with homosexuality.
- Andrea
Dworkin and John Stoltenberg were a lesbian and a
gay man who were married to each other and continued to be gay
rights activists.
- Actress Liza
Minnelli's first marriage was to impresario Peter Allen, who was
gay.
- Painters Vanessa
Bell and Duncan
Grant lived together for forty years and had a daughter
together, but had a sexual relationship for only a short time, as
Grant was openly gay.
- Vita
Sackville-West and Harold Nicolson were married for over
forty years and had two sons together, although both were
homosexual. Their younger son Nigel wrote the book Portrait of
a Marriage about his parents' relationship.
- The love between writer Lytton Strachey and artist Dora Carrington
is the subject of the film Carrington[1] (1995). Although Strachey was openly gay,
the two lived together for many years, and Carrington committed
suicide upon Strachey's death from cancer, unable to live without
him.
- Poet Kathleen
Raine had an enduring deep relationship with gay naturalist and
writer Gavin
Maxwell; she famously cursed him by wishing him to suffer as
she had suffered from her love for him.
- Adrian, a costume designer,
was openly gay, but married Janet Gaynor in 1939. Together they had a
son named Robin Gaynor Adrian, born in 1940. They remained married
until Adrian's death on March 3, 1959. Though Gaynor later
remarried, she & Adrian are buried in the Hollywood Forever Cemetery
in Hollywood, California.
- Megan
Mullally married Nick Offerman in 2003. She commented in
an interview in The Advocate magazine, "I consider
myself bisexual, and my philosophy is, everyone
innately is."[33]
- Alan Cumming
has been married to a woman and then a man. He has identified
himself as bisexual.
- Alla
Nazimova and Charles Bryant (actor) were
married from 1912 to 1925, though Nazimova was romantically
involved with Eva Le Gallienne, director Dorothy Arzner,
writer Mercedes de Acosta, and Oscar
Wilde's niece, Dolly Wilde.
- Mercedes de Acosta was married to
Abram Poole, though having several affairs with other women.
- Marlene
Dietrich was married to Rudolf Sieber. Together, they had one
daughter, Maria Elisabeth Sieber.
- Tamara
Karsavina was married to Henry James Bruce.
- David Bacon and Greta Keller were
married. Keller later said that Bacon was homosexual, and that she
was lesbian, and that their marriage allowed both of them to
maintain a respectable facade in Hollywood, where they were both
attempting to establish film careers.
- Guthrie
McClintic and Estelle Winwood were both LGB and were
married for 40 years.
- Artist Frida
Kahlo was married to fellow artist Diego Rivera. Both Frida and Diego had
multiple affairs, some of Frida's affairs being with women.
References
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- ^
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Fletcher, Lynne Yamaguchi (1992) The First Gay Pope and Other
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93
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My Husband is gay
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Margaret Cho geared up for
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- ^ Frontain, Raymond-Jean (2002). "Porter, Cole". glbtq.com. http://www.glbtq.com/arts/porter_c.html. Retrieved
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"Coming Clean" January
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Libertarian Celebrities -
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Collis, Clark (2002-08). "Dear Superstar: David
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- ^ "The Advocate's 25 Coolest Women". The Advocate.
November 23, 1999.
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