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St. Anthony the Great, considered the Father of Christian Monasticism

A monk (Greek: μοναχός, monachos) is a person who practices religious asceticism, living either alone or with any number of monks, whilst always maintaining some degree of physical separation from those not sharing the same purpose. The concept is ancient and can be seen in many religions and in philosophy.

In the Greek language the term can apply to men or women; but in modern English it is in use only for men, while nun is used for female monastics.

Although the term monachos (“monk”) is of Christian origin, in the English language it tends to be used analogously or loosely also for both male and female ascetics from other religious or philosophical backgrounds.

The term monk is generic and in some religious or philosophical traditions it therefore may be considered interchangeable with other terms such as ascetic. However, being generic, it is not interchangeable with terms that denote particular kinds of monk, such as cenobite, hermit, anchorite, hesychast, solitary.

The first famous Christian known to adopt the life in a desert was St. Anthony the Great (251-356). Anthony lived alone as an anchorite in the Egyptian desert until he attracted a circle of followers, after which he retired further into the desert to escape the adulation of men. He is said to have been the first to go out into the desert for the sole purpose of pursuing God in solitude.

As the idea of devoting one's entire life to God grew, more and more monks joined him, even in the far desert. Under St. Anthony's system, they each lived in isolation. Later, loose-knit communities began to be formed, coming together only on Sundays and major feast days for Holy Communion. The concept of monks all living together under one roof and under the rule of a single person — that is, monasticism as such — is attributed to St Pachomius (c. 292-348). At this same time, St. Pachomius' sister became the first woman to lead a monastery of women, or convent. Christian monasticism spread throughout the Eastern Roman Empire. At its height it was not uncommon for monasteries to house upwards of 30,000 monks.

As Christianity grew and diversified, so did the style of monasticism. In the East, monastic norms came to be regular. Monasticism came to be accepted in the West as well. In the beginning, Western monasticism followed much the same pattern as its Eastern forebears, but over time the traditions diversified.


Eastern Christianity

In the Eastern Orthodox, Oriental Orthodox and Eastern Catholic Churches, monasticism is a far more common lifestyle than in the Roman Catholic Church and holds a very special and important place. The Orthodox Church measures its health by the quality of its monks and nuns. Orthodox monastics separate themselves from the world in order to pray unceasingly for the world. They do not, in general, have as their primary purpose the running of social services, as is common in Western Christianity, but instead are concerned with attaining theosis, or union with God. However, care for the poor and needy has always been an obligation of monasticism, so Orthodox monasteries are not normally "cloistered" like some contemplative Western houses are, though the level of contact will vary from community to community. Orthodox hermits, on the other hand, have little or no contact with the outside world.

Orthodox monasticism does not have religious orders as are found in the West, nor do they have Rules in the same sense as the Rule of St. Benedict. Rather, Eastern monastics study and draw inspiration from the writings of the Desert Fathers as well as other Church Fathers; probably the most influential of which are the Greater Asketikon and Lesser Asketikon of St. Basil the Great and the Philokalia, which was compiled by St. Nikodemos of the Holy Mountain and St. Makarios of Corinth. Hesychasm is of primary importance in the ascetical theology of the Orthodox Church.

Most communities are self-supporting, and the monastic’s daily life is usually divided into three parts: (a) communal worship in the catholicon (the monastery's main church); (b) hard manual labour; and (c) private prayer, spiritual study, and rest when necessary. Meals are usually taken in common in a sizable dining hall known as a trapeza (refectory), at elongated refectory tables. Food is usually simple and is eaten in silence while one of the brethren reads aloud from the spiritual writings of the Holy Fathers. The monastic lifestyle takes a great deal of serious commitment and hard work, it forces the person to overcome their own flaws and weaknesses; those newcomers with romantic notions about this sort of lifestyle usually do not last more than a few days. Within the cenobitic community, all monks conform to a common way of living based on the traditions of that particular monastery. In struggling to attain this conformity, the monastic comes to realize his own shortcomings and is guided by his spiritual father in how to deal honestly with them. Attaining this level of self-discipline is perhaps the most difficult and painful accomplishment any human being can make; but the end goal, to become like an angel on earth (an "earthly angel and a heavenly man", as the church hymns put it), is the reason monastics are held in such high esteem. For this same reason, Bishops are almost always chosen from the ranks of monks.

Eastern monasticism is found in three distinct forms: anchoritic (a solitary living in isolation), cenobitic (a community living and worshiping together under the direct rule of an abbot or abbess), and the "middle way" between the two, known as the skete (a community of individuals living separately but in close proximity to one another, who come together only on Sundays and feast days, working and praying the rest of the time in solitude, but under the direction of an elder). One normally enters a cenobitic community first, and only after testing and spiritual growth would one go on to the skete or, for the most advanced, become a solitary anchorite. However, one is not necessarily expected to join a skete or become a solitary; most monastics remain in the cenobuim the whole of their lives. The form of monastic life an individual embraces is considered to be his vocation; that is to say, it is dependent upon the will of God, and is revealed by grace.

In general, Orthodox monastics have little or no contact with the outside world, including their own families. The purpose of the monastic life is union with God, the means is through leaving the world (i.e., the life of the passions). After tonsure, Orthodox monks and nuns are never permitted to cut their hair. The hair of the head and the beard remain uncut as a symbol of the vows they have taken, reminiscent of the Nazarites from the Old Testament. The Tonsure of monks is the token of a consecrated life, and symbolizes the cutting off of their self-will.


The Great Schema worn by Orthodox monks and nuns of the highest degree

The process of becoming a monk is intentionally slow, as the vows taken are considered to entail a life-long commitment to God, and are not to be entered into lightly. In Orthodox monasticism after completing the novitiate, there are three ranks of monasticism. There is only one monastic habit in the Eastern Church (with certain slight regional variations), and it is the same for both monks and nuns. Each successive grade is given a portion of the habit, the full habit being worn only by those in the highest grade, known for that reason as the "Great Schema", or "Great Habit".

The various profession rites are normally performed by the Abbot, but if the abbot has not been ordained a priest, or if the monastic community is a convent, a hieromonk will perform the service. The abbot or hieromonk who performs a tonsure must be of at least the rank he is tonsuring into. In other words, only a hieromonk who has been tonsured into the Great Schema may himself tonsure a Schemamonk. A bishop, however, may tonsure into any rank, regardless of his own.

Novice (Slavonic: Poslushnik), lit. "one under obedience"—Those wishing to join a monastery begin their lives as novices. After coming to the monastery and living as a guest for not less than three days, the revered abbot or abbess may bless the candidate to become a novice. There is no formal ceremony for the clothing of a novice, he or she simply receives permission to wear the clothing of a novice. In the Eastern monastic tradition, novices may or may not dress in the black inner cassock (Greek: Anterion, Eisorasson; Slavonic: Podriasnik) and wear the soft monastic hat (Greek: Skoufos, Slavonic: Skufia), depending on the tradition of the local community, and in accordance to the abbot’s directives. The inner-cassock and the skoufos are the first part of the Orthodox monastic habit. In some communities, the novice also wears the leather belt. He is also given a prayer rope and instructed in the use of the Jesus Prayer. If a novice chooses to leave during the period of the novitiate, no penalty is incurred. He may also be asked to leave at any time if his behaviour does not conform to the monastic life, or if the superior discerns that he is not called to monasticism. When the abbot or abbess deems the novice ready, he is asked if he wishes to join the monastery. Some, out of humility, will choose to remain novices all their lives. Every stage of the monastic life must be entered into voluntarily.

Rassaphore, (Slavonic: Ryassophore), lit. "Robe-bearer"—If the novice continues on to become a monk, he is clothed in the first degree of monasticism at a formal service known as the Tonsure. Although there are no formal vows made at this point, the candidate is normally required to affirm his commitment to persevere in the monastic life. The abbot will then perform the tonsure, cutting a small amount of hair from four spots on the head, forming a cross. He is then given the outer cassock (Greek: Rasson, Exorasson, or Mandorrason; Slavonic: Riassa)—an outer robe with wide sleeves, something like the cowl used in the West, but without a hood—from which the name of Rassaphore is derived. He is also given a brimless hat with a veil, known as a klobuk, and a leather belt is fastened around his waist. His habit is usually black, signifying that he is now dead to the world, and he receives a new name. Although the Rassaphore does not make formal vows, he is still morally obligated to continue in the monastic estate for the rest of his life. Some will remain Rassaphores permanently without going on to the higher degrees.

Stavrophore, (Slavonic: Krestonosets), lit. "Cross-bearer"—The next level for Eastern monastics takes place some years after the first tonsure when the abbot feels the monk has reached an appropriate level of discipline, dedication, and humility. This degree is also known as the Little Schema, and is considered to be a "betrothal" to the Great Schema. At this stage, the monk makes formal vows of stability, chastity, obedience and poverty. Then he is tonsured and clothed in the habit, which in addition to that worn by the Rassaphore, includes the paramandyas (Slavonic: paraman), a piece of square cloth worn on the back, embroidered with the instruments of the Passion, and connected by ties to a wooden cross worn over the heart. The paramandyas represents the yoke of Christ. Because of this addition he is now called Stavrophore, or Cross-bearer. He is also given a wooden hand cross (or "profession cross"), which he should keep in his icon corner, and a beeswax candle, symbolic of monastic vigilance the sacrificing of himself for God. He will be buried holding the cross, and the candle will be burned at his funeral. In the Slavic practice, the Stavrophore also wears the monastic mantle. The rasson (outer robe) worn by the Stavrophore is more ample than that worn by the Rassaphore. The abbot increases the Stavrophore monk’s prayer rule, allows a more strict personal ascetic practice, and gives the monk more responsibility.

Great Schema (Greek: Megaloschemos, Slavonic: Skhimnik)—Monks whose abbot feels they have reached a high level of spiritual excellence reach the final stage, called the Great Schema. The tonsure of a Schemamonk follows the same format as the Stavrophore, and he makes the same vows and is tonsured in the same manner. But in addition to all the garments worn by the Stavrophore, he is given the Analavos (Slavonic: Analav) which is the article of monastic vesture emblematic of the Great Schema. For this reason, the analavos itself is sometimes called the "Great Schema" (see picture above). The analavos comes down in the front and the back, somewhat like the scapular in Western monasticism, although the two garments are probably not related. It is often intricately embroidered with the instruments of the Passion and the Trisagion (the angelic hymn). The Greek form does not have a hood, the Slavic form has a hood and lappets on the shoulders, so that the garment forms a large cross covering the monk's shoulders, chest, and back. Another piece added is the Polystavrion or "Many Crosses", which consists of a cord with a number of small crosses plaited into it. The polystavrion forms a yoke around the monk and serves to hold the analavos in place, and reminds the monastic that he is bound to Christ and that his arms are no longer fit for worldly activities, but that he must labor only for the Kingdom of Heaven. Among the Greeks, the mantle is added at this stage. The paramandyas of the Megaloschemos is larger than that of the Stavrophore, and if he wears the klobuk, it is of a distinctive thimble shape, called a koukoulion, the veil of which is usually embroidered with crosses. In some monastic traditions the Great Schema is only given to monks and nuns on their death bed, while in others they may be elevated after as little as 25 years of service.

Eastern Orthodox monks are addressed as "Father" even if they are not priests; but when conversing among themselves, monks will often address one another as "Brother." Novices are always referred to as "Brother." Among the Greeks, old monks are often called Gheronda, or "Elder", out of respect for their dedication. In the Slavic tradition, the title of Elder (Slavonic: Starets) is normally reserved for those who are of an advanced spiritual life, and who serve as guides to others.

For the Orthodox, Mother is the correct term for nuns who have been tonsured Stavrophore or higher. Novices and Rassophores are addressed as "Sister". Nuns live identical ascetic lives to their male counterparts and are therefore also called monachai (the feminine plural of monachos), and their community is likewise called a monastery.

Many (but not all) Orthodox seminaries are attached to monasteries, combining academic preparation for ordination with participation in the community's life of prayer, and hopefully benefiting from the example and wise counsel of the monks. Bishops are required by the sacred canons of the Orthodox Church to be chosen from among the monastic clergy. It should be noted that the requirement is specifically that they be monastics, not simply celibate (see clerical celibacy). Monks who have been ordained to the priesthood are called hieromonks (priest-monks); monks who have been ordained to the diaconate are called hierodeacons (deacon-monks). A Schemamonk who is a priest is called a Hieroschemamonk. Most monks are not ordained; a community will normally only present as many candidates for ordination to the bishop as the liturgical needs of the community require.

Western Christianity

Roman Catholicism

Order of Saint Benedict
The famed monastery of Jasna Góra is one of the last run by the Pauline Fathers, an important order in the history of the monastic tradition.

Within Roman Catholicism, a monk is a member of a religious order who lives a communal life in a monastery, abbey, or priory under a monastic rule of life (such as the Rule of St. Benedict) and under the vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience. St. Benedict of Nursia is considered to be the founder of western monasticism. He established the first monastic community in the west and authored the Rule of St. Benedict, which is the foundation for the Order of St. Benedict and all of its reforms such as the Cistercians and the Trappists.

The religious vows taken in the West were first developed by St. Benedict. These vows were three in number: obedience, conversion of life, and stability. Among later Western religious orders, these developed into the solemn vows of obedience, poverty, and chastity. Obedience requires that monks are willing to obey the Catholic Church, as represented by the superior. Chastity requires that since they were willing to dedicate their lives to God, they sacrificed the love between men and women and would not marry. Poverty requires that they renounce any ownership of property or assets, except for items that were allowed to them by their superior (such as a religious habit, shoes, a cloak, etc.), and to live meekly, sharing whatever they might have with the poor.

To become a monk, one first must become a postulant, during which time the man lives at the monastery to evaluate whether he is called to become a monk. As a postulant, the man is not bound by any vows, and is free to leave the monastery at any time. If the postulant and the community agree that the postulant should become a monk, the man is received as a novice, at which time he is given his religious habit, and begins to participate more fully in the life of the monastery. Following a period as a novice, usually six months to a year, the novice is given the option to take the solemn vows, which can be renewed annually for a period of years. After a few years, the monk can make permanent vows, which are binding for life.

The monastic life generally consists of prayer in the form of the Liturgy of the Hours (also known as the Divine Office) and divine reading (lectio divina) and manual labor. Among most religious orders, monks live in simple, austere rooms called cells and come together daily to celebrate the Conventual Mass and to recite the Liturgy of the Hours. In most communities, the monks take their meals together in the refectory. While there is no vow of silence, many communities have a period of silence lasting from evening until the next morning and some others restrict talking to only when it is necessary for the monks to perform their work and during weekly recreation.

Munich's city symbol celebrates its founding by Benedictine monks—and the origin of its name

Monks who have been or will be ordained into Holy Orders as priests or deacons, are referred to as choir monks, as they have the obligation to recite the entire Divine Office daily in choir. Those monks who are not ordained into Holy Orders are referred to as lay brothers. In most monastic communities today, little distinction exists between the lay brothers and the choir monks. However, historically, the roles of the two groups of monks within the monastery differed. The work of the choir monks was considered to be prayer, chanting the seven hours of the Divine Office and celebrating the Mass daily whereas the lay brothers provided for the material needs of the community by growing food, preparing meals, maintaining the monastery and the grounds. This distinction arose historically because generally those monks who could read Latin typically became choir monks, while those monks who were illiterate or could not read Latin became lay brothers. Since the lay brothers could not recite the Divine Office in Latin, they would instead pray easily memorizable prayers such as the Our Father or the Hail Mary as many as 150 times per day. Since the Second Vatican Council, the distinction between choir monks and lay brothers have become less important, as the council allowed the Divine Office to be said in the vernacular language, effectively opening participation to all of the monks.

Within western monasticism, it is important to differentiate between monks and friars. Monks generally live a contemplative life of prayer confined within a cloistered monastery while friars usually engage in an active ministry of service to the outside community. The monastic orders include all Benedictines (the Order of Saint Benedict and its later reforms including the Cistercians and the Trappists) and the Carthusians, who do not follow the Rule of St. Benedict. Orders of friars include the Franciscans, Dominicans, Carmelites, and Augustinians. Although the Canons Regular, such as the Norbertines, live in community, they are neither monks nor friars as they are characterized by their clerical state and not by any monastic vows.


Monastic life in England came to an abrupt end when King Henry VIII broke from the Roman Catholic Church establishing the Church of England. He initiated the Dissolution of the Monasteries, during which all of the monasteries within England were destroyed. While many monks were executed, many fled to continental European monasteries where they were able to continue their monastic life.

Shortly after the beginning of the revival of the Catholic Movement in the Church of England, there was felt to be a need for a restoration of the monastic life. In the 1840s, Anglican priest John Henry Newman established a community of men at Littlemore near Oxford. From then on, there have been (re-)established many communities of monks, friars and other religious communities for men in the Anglican Communion. There are Anglican Benedictines, Franciscans, Cistercians, and in the Episcopal Church in the USA, Dominicans), as well as other monastic orders such as the Society of Saint John the Evangelist.

Some Anglican religious communities are contemplative, some active, but a distinguishing feature of the monastic life among Anglicans is that most practice the so-called "mixed life." Anglican monks recite the Divine Office in choir daily, either the full eight services of the Breviary or the four offices found in the Book of Common Prayer and celebrate the Eucharist daily. Many orders take on external works such as service to the poor, giving religious retreats, or other active ministries within their immediate communities. Like Roman Catholic monks, Anglican monks also take the monastic vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience.

In the early 20th century when the Catholic Movement was at its height, the Anglican Communion had hundreds of orders and communities, and thousands of religious followers. However, since the 1960s there has been a sharp falling off in the numbers of religious in many parts of the Anglican Communion. Many once large and international communities have been reduced to a single convent or monastery composed of elderly men or women. In the last few decades of the 20th century, novices have for most communities been few and far between. Some orders and communities have already become extinct.

There are however, still several thousand Anglican monks working today in approximately 200 communities around the world. The most surprising growth has been in the Melanesian countries of the Solomon Islands, Vanuatu and Papua New Guinea. The Melanesian Brotherhood, founded at Tabalia, Guadalcanal, in 1925 by Ini Kopuria, is now the largest Anglican Community in the world with over 450 brothers in the Solomon Islands, Vanuatu, Papua New Guinea, the Philippines and the United Kingdom.


St. Augustine's House Lutheran Monastery in Oxford, Michigan

Loccum Abbey and Amelungsborn Abbey have the longest traditions as Lutheran monasteries. Since the 19th and 20th century, there has been a renewal in the monastic life among Lutheranism. There are many present-day Lutherans who practice the monastic teaching of the Roman Catholic Church.[1]

In American Lutheran traditions, "The Congregation of the Servants of Christ" was established at St. Augustine's House in Oxford, Michigan, in 1958 when some other men joined Father Arthur Kreinheder in observing the monastic life and offices of prayer. These men and others came and went over the years. The community has always remained small; at times the only member was Father Arthur.[2] During the 35 years of its existence over 25 men tested their vocations to monastic life by living at the house for some time, from a few months to many years, but at Father Arthur's death in 1989 only one permanent resident remained. At the beginning of 2006, there was 2 permanent professed members and 2 long-term guests. Strong ties remain with this community and their brothers in Sweden (Östanbäck monastery) and in Germany (Priory of St. Wigbert).[3]


Main article at Bhikkhu

People of the Pali Canon

Pali English

Community of Buddhist Disciples

Monastic Sangha


Nun trainee
Novice (m., f.)


Upāsaka, Upāsikā
Gahattha, Gahapati
Agārika, Agāriya

Lay devotee (m., f.)

Related Religions


Jain ascetic

The abbot of a Buddhist monastery instructing novices, Uttaradit, Thailand.

Although the European term "monk" is often applied to Buddhism, the situation of Buddhist asceticism is different. There is often a trial period prior to ordination, to see if a candidate wishes to become a Buddhist monk. If he does, he remains in the monastery; otherwise, he is free to leave. In Theravada Buddhism, bhikkhu is the term for monk. Their disciplinary code is called the patimokkha, which is part of the larger Vinaya. They live lives of mendicancy, and go on a morning almsround (Pali: pindapata) every day. The local people give food for the monks to eat, though the monks are not permitted to positively ask for anything. The monks live in monasteries, and have an important function in traditional Asian society. Young boys can be ordained as samaneras. Both bhikkhus and samaneras eat only in the morning, and are not supposed to lead a luxurious life. Their rules forbid the use of money, although this rule is nowadays not kept by all monks. The monks are part of the Sangha, the third of the Triple Gem of Buddha, Dhamma, Sangha.

In Mahayana Buddhism, the term 'Sangha' strictly speaking refers to those who have achieved certain levels of understanding. They are therefore called 'community of the excellent ones' (Tibetan: mchog kyi tshogs); however, these in turn need not be monks (i.e., hold such vows). Several Mahayana orders accept female practitioners as monks, instead of using the normal title of "nun", and they are considered equal to male ascetics in all respects.

The Bhikkhus are only allowed 4 items (other than their robes): a razor, a needle, an alms bowl and a water strainer.

In Vajrayana Buddhism, monkhood is part of the system of 'vows of individual liberation'; these vows are taken in order to develop one's own personal ethical discipline. The monks and nuns form the (ordinary) sangha. As for the Vajrayana vows of individual liberation, there are four steps: A lay person may take the 5 vows called 'approaching virtue' (in Tibetan 'genyen' <dge snyan>). The next step is to enter the monastic way of life (Tib. rabjung) which includes wearing monk's or nun's robes. After that, one can become a 'novice' (Pali samanera, Tib. getshül); the last and final step is to take all vows of the 'fully ordained monk' (gelong). This term 'gelong' (Tib. <dge long>, in the female form gelongma) is the translation of Skt. bikshu (for women bikshuni) which is the equivalent of the Pali term bhikkhuni; bhikkhu is the word used in Theravada Buddhism (Sri Lanka, Burma, Thailand).

Chinese Buddhist monks have been traditionally and stereotypically linked with the practice of the Chinese martial arts or Kung fu, and monks are frequently important characters in martial arts films. This association is focused around the Shaolin Monastery. The Buddhist monk Bodhidharma, traditionally credited as the founder of Zen Buddhism in China, is also claimed to have introduced Kung fu to the country. This latter claim has however been a source of much controversy (see Bodhidharma, the martial arts, and the disputed India connection) One more feature about the Chinese Buddhist monks is that they practice the burning marks on their scalp, finger or part of the skin on their inner arm with incense as a sign of ordination.

In Thailand and Burma, it is common for boys to spend some time living as a monk in a monastery. Most stay for only a few years and then leave, but a number continue on in the ascetic life for the rest of their lives.

In Mongolia during the 1920s, there were about 110,000 monks, including children, who made up about one-third of the male population.[4]


Asceticism, in one of its most intense forms, can be found in one of the oldest religions known as Jainism. Jainism encourages fasting, yoga practices, meditation in difficult postures, and other austerities.[5] According to Jains, one's highest goal should be Moksha (i.e., liberation from samsara, the cycle of birth and rebirth). For this, a soul has to be without attachment or self indulgence. This can be achieved only by the monks and nuns who take five great vows: of non-violence, of truth, of non-stealing, of non-possession and of celibacy.

Most of the austerities and ascetic practices can be traced back to Vardhaman Mahavira, the twenty-fourth "fordmaker" or Tirthankara. The Acaranga Sutra, or Book of Good Conduct, is a sacred book within Jainism that discusses the ascetic code of conduct. Other texts that provide insight into conduct of ascetics include Yogashastra by Acharya Hemachandra and Niyamasara by Acharya Kundakunda. Other illustrious Jain works on ascetic conduct are Oghanijjutti, Pindanijjutti, Cheda Sutta, and Nisiha Suttafee.

Full Jain monk in either Svetambara or Digambara tradition[6] can belong to one of these ranks:

  • Acharya: leader of the order
  • Upadhyaya: a learned monk, who both teaches and studies himself
  • Muni: an ordinary monk

These three are mentioned is the three lines of the Namokar Mantra. In the Digambara tradition, a junior monk can be a:

  • Ailak: they use one piece of cloth
  • Kshullak: they may use two pieces of cloth

The Svetambar Terapanthi sect has a new rank of junior monks who are called samana. The nuns are called Aryikas in Digambar tradition and Sadhvi in the Svetambar tradition.

Ascetic vows

Sthanakvasi Jain monk

As per the Jain vows, the monks and nuns renounce all relations and possessions. Jain ascetics practice complete non-violence. Ahimsa is the first and foremost vow of a Jain ascetic. They do not hurt any living being, be it an insect or a human. They carry a special broom to sweep any insects that may cross their path. Some Jains monks wear a cloth over the mouth to prevent accidental harm to airborne germs and insects. They also do not use electricity as it involves violence. Furthermore, they do not use any devices or machines.

As they are possession less and without any attachment, they travel from city to city, often crossing forests and deserts, and always barefoot. Jain ascetics do not stay in a single place for more than two months to prevent attachment to any place. However during four months of monsoon (rainy season) known as chaturmaas, they continue to stay at a single place to avoid their killing life forms that thrive during the rains. Jain monks and nuns practice complete celibacy. They do not touch or share a sitting platform with a person of opposite sex.

Dietary practices

Jain ascetics follow a strict vegetarian diet without root vegetables. Shvetambara monks do not cook food but solicit alms from householders. Digambara monks have only a single meal a day. Neither group will beg for food, but a Jain ascetic may accept a meal from a householder, provided that the latter is pure of mind and body and offers the food of his own volition and in the prescribed manner. During such an encounter, the monk remains standing and eats only a measured amount. Fasting (i.e., abstinence from food and sometimes water) is a routine feature of Jain asceticism. Fasts last for a day or longer, up to a month. Some monks avoid (or limit) medicine and/or hospitalization out of disregard for the physical body.

Austerities and other daily practices

White-clothed Acharya Kalaka

Other austerities include meditation in seated or standing posture near river banks in the cold wind, or meditation atop hills and mountains, especially at noon when the sun is at its fiercest. Such austerities are undertaken according to the physical and mental limits of the individual ascetic. Jain ascetics are (almost) completely without possessions. Some Jains (Shvetambara monks and nuns) own only unstitched white robes (an upper and lower garment) and a bowl used for eating and collecting alms. Male Digambara monks do not wear any clothes and carry nothing with them except a soft broom made of shed peacock feathers (pinchi) and eat from their hands. They sleep on the floor without blankets and sit on special wooden platforms.

Every day is spent either in study of scriptures or meditation or teaching to lay people. They stand aloof from worldly matters. Many Jain ascetics take a final vow of Santhara or Sallekhana (i.e., a peaceful and detached death where medicines, food, and water are abandoned). This is done when death is imminent or when a monk feels that he is unable to adhere to his vows on account of advanced age or terminal disease.

Quotes on ascetic practices from the Akaranga Sutra as Hermann Jacobi translated it [7][1]:

“A monk or a nun wandering from village to village should look forward for four cubits, and seeing animals they should move on by walking on his toes or heels or the sides of his feet. If there be some bypath, they should choose it, and not go straight on; then they may circumspectly wander from village to village. Third Lecture(6)”

'I shall become a Sramana who owns no house, no property, no sons, no cattle, who eats what others give him; I shall commit no sinful action; Master, I renounce to accept anything that has not been given.' Having taken such vows, (a mendicant) should not, on entering a village or scot-free town, &c., take himself, or induce others to take, or allow others to take, what has not been given. Seventh Lecture (1)


Similar in appearance to Buddhist monks, monks from the International Society for Krishna Consciousness (ISKCON), or Hare Krishnas as they are popularly known, are the best known Vaishnava monks outside India. They are a common sight in many places around the world. Their appearance—simple saffron dhoti, shaved head with sikha, Tulasi neckbeads and tilaka markings—and social customs (sadhana) date back many thousands of years to the Vedic era with its varnasrama society. This social scheme includes both monastic and lay stages meant for various persons in various stages of life as per their characteristics (guna) and work (karma).

ISKCON started as a predominantly monastic group but nowadays the majority of members live as lay persons. Many of them, however, spent some time as monks. New persons joining ISKCON as full-time members (living in its centers) first undergo a three-month Bhakta training, which includes learning the basics of brahmacari (monastic) life. After that they can decide if they prefer to continue as monks or as married Grihasthas.

Brahmacari older than fifty years can become sannyasi. Sannyasa, a life of full dedication to spiritual pursuits, is the highest stage of life in the varnasrama society. It is permanent and one cannot give it up. A Sannyasi is given the title Swami. Older grihastha with grown-up children are traditionally expected to accept vanaprastha (celibate retired) life.

The role of monastic orders in Indian and now also Western society has to some extent been adapted over the years in accordance with ever-changing social structures.

Madhvaacharya (Madhvacharya), the Dwaita philosopher, established ashta matha (Eight Monasteries). He appointed a monk (called swamiji or swamigalu in local parlance) for each matha or monastery who has the right to worship Lord Krishna by rotation. Each matha's swamiji gets a chance to worship after fourteen years. This ritual is called Paryaya.

See also

External links


  1. ^ Order of Saint Benedict. Retrieved 13-01-10
  2. ^ The Lonely Lutheran Monk, TIME Magazine (March 1, 1963). Retrieved 13-01-10
  3. ^
  4. ^ "Mongolia - Buddhism". Library of Congress Country Studies.
  5. ^ Frank William Iklé et al. "A History of Asia", page ?. Allyn and Bacon, 1964
  6. ^ Guardians of the Transcendent: An Ethnography of a Jain Ascetic Community By Anne Vallely Published 2002 University of Toronto Press
  7. ^ Hermann Jacobi, "Sacred Books of the East", vol. 22: Gaina Sutras Part I. 1884


Up to date as of January 14, 2010
(Redirected to Monk (TV series) article)

From Wikiquote

Monk (2002 – 2009) is a television drama/comedy created by Andy Breckman about Adrian Monk, a former detective, and now consultant, for the San Francisco Police Department who suffers from a number of psychological disorders, including obsessive-compulsive disorder and several phobias.


Season 1

Mr. Monk and the Candidate [1.01]

[After watching Monk at work]
Cop #1: So that's the living legend.
Lt. Gitomer: If you call that living.

[Monk is silently wandering around a crime scene.]
Policewoman: What's he doing?
Sharona: I love this part. He does this Zen Sherlock Holmes thing.

Sharona: You're going straight to Hell.
Adrian Monk: I am in Hell.

Miranda St. Claire: Let me ask you a question. How can you investigate anything? I'm told you're germophobic, afraid of the dark, heights, crowds, and... milk.
Sharona: We're working on the milk. He's making good progress on milk.

Miranda St. Claire: What I do know is, if my husband is elected Mayor, you will never work in this town again. [to her aide] Let's go.
[She walks off.]
Monk: [to Sharona] Are you registered to vote?
Sharona: I never vote. It only encourages them.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Let it go!
Sharona: Are we gonna let it go?
Monk: Hell, no.
Sharona: So what do we do now?
Monk: We're gonna follow the money. Mmm, aah! I've always wanted to say that!

Miranda St. Claire: You have to believe me.
Adrian Monk: Mrs. St. Claire, I have to listen to you. I don't have to believe you.

Monk: So, are you ever going to tell me what kind of dancing you did in Atlantic City?
Sharona: Ballroom.

[The hired killer, after shooting his employer, continues to fire on the crowd.]
Sharona: Oh my God! It's Sykes! He's here.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Sykes? What's he doing here?!
Monk: I think he and Gavin are having some kind of contract dispute.

Sharona: [re: the hit man] I'm gonna follow him.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Follow him?! Who does she think she is.
Monk: I don't know, Lois Lane.

Mr. Monk and the Psychic [1.02]

[ Dirt-fearing Monk is standing a distance from the muddy car crash site on a plank.]
Sharona: Adrian! Don't you want a closer look?
Monk: No, I-I can see from here.
Sharona: Would you like us to move the crash site a little closer to you?

[Capt. Stottlemeyer returns to his office to find Monk and Sharona waiting inside.]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was my office. Yeah, see, I-I'm confused because my name is on the door.
Monk: Don't... don't blame Sharona, Captain.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: I have no intention of blaming Sharona.
[He looks at his desk.]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: What happened here?
Monk: I took the liberty of straightening up a little.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Where is all my crap?
Monk: Obviously, I had to throw some things away.

[Monk is looking for some evidence in a hardware store.]
Monk: It's a small pebble. It's about the size... of a... small pebble.

[Monk finds the crucial piece of evidence lodged in his hair after Sharona has been rooting around in a dumpster for it.]
Monk: Oh, wait. I found it.
Sharona: Where was it?!
Monk: It was in my... it must have flown up and got caught in my...
Sharona: [hits the side of the dumpster] GO-OD! I can't believe I listened to you! You're driving me nuts!

Monk: You gotta be a little skeptical, Sharona. Otherwise you end up believing in everything — UFOs, elves, income tax rebates...

Mr. Monk Meets Dale the Whale [1.03]

Benjy: [about Monk] Can I bring him to school? Like, for show and tell?

Monk: Go to hell.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: No doubt I will. I just hope it's handicap accessible.

[Late at night, Stottlemeyer and Disher brainstorm on how the immobile Biederbeck could have killed the judge.]
Disher: What about liposuction?
Stottlemeyer: What?
Disher: Liposuction, yeah! He... he lipo'd himself down to like, uh... I don't know, like 400 pounds. Down the elevator, across town... killed the judge.
Stottlemeyer: Well, how did he gain all the weight back?
[Long pause.]
Disher: Reverse liposuction.

[Capt. Stottlemeyer leads star witness Vezza from Biederbeck's bedroom. Biederbeck yells after him.]
Biederbeck: There's not a prison in the country that can hold me!
Monk: There are very few shopping malls that can hold you. But, nonetheless, we're gonna give it a try.

[Monk and Sharona are walking down a pier.]
Sharona: Adrian, can I ask you something? If it's none of my buisiness, I promise I'll shut up.
Monk: I doubt it.
[They smile and there is a pause as they keep walking.]
Sharona: What did Trudy mean by "bread and butter"?
Monk: Whenever Trudy and I were walking somewhere, we would hold hands, and if there was a lamp post or somebody walked between us and we had to let go for a second, she'd always say "bread and butter".
Sharona: So when she died...
Monk: Yeah, I think it was a message for me. She was saying, "I have to let go now for a little while, but it won't be forever."
[She takes his arm in hers and they continue walking.]

Mr. Monk Goes to the Carnival [1.04]

[After Monk breaks her car's headlight while driving, Sharona stops him from getting back behind the wheel.]
Sharona: I'm driving. When Hell freezes over, you can drive again. No — you know what? Even if Hell freezes over, I'm still driving, because I don't want you driving on the ice! Get in the car!

[Captain Stottlemeyer comes out of the hearing, having failed to support Monk's reinstatement.]
Sharona: You son of a bitch.
Monk: I thought you were gonna do the right thing.
Stottlemeyer: I think I did do the right thing.
Sharona: He saves your ass all the time, and he never asks for anything in return. He closes case after case, and then he goes home and watches you on the news taking all the credit!
Stottlemeyer: I wanted to recommend you, I tried to recommend you, but I just couldn't do it. Adrian, you are not ready to carry a gun. You're not ready to have other cops depend on you under fire. In your heart, you know you're not ready.
[Monk walks off.]
Sharona: At least your friend Adam Kirk has the decency to stab people in the front.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Hey, Randy, did I ever tell you about Monk's first day as a detective?
Lt. Disher: No, sir.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Take a seat. [Randy does] He didn't have a partner, so I got stuck with him.
Lt. Disher: Was he, uh...? [motions to his head]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: No, no. He was... a little wound. He used to clean the windshield and rearrange the glovebox before we'd roll. Anyway, we're the primaries on a body at a hotel in the Castro. A hooker had swallowed a bunch of promazine - you know, the big sleeping pills?
Lt. Disher: Horse tranquilizers, sir.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: I said suicide. Every cop on the scene said suicide. Medical examiner said suicide. Monk walks in, says murder. "Where's the water?" The room had no water! Simple. Eight people in the room, but nobody saw that.
Lt. Disher: Well, I'm sure you would have seen it eventually, sir...
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Don't kid yourself. There is only one... Adrian Monk.

Sharona: You okay?
Monk: I just wanna be alone.
Sharona: Okay, I'll come with you.

[first time line is spoken in the series]
Sharona: So you remember how many empty boxes you saw?
Monk: Yes. It's a blessing, and a curse.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Asylum [1.05]

[On the hospital's roof, Monk addresses "Santa" as the police cover them from below.]
Monk: By the way, in case we don't get a chance to talk later, [I] just want you to know — except for the murders and your trying to kill me, you really were the best doctor I ever had.

Mr. Monk and the Billionaire Mugger [1.06]

[Sharona waits impatiently for her paycheck, but Monk doesn't think the case is solved yet.]
Sharona: Adrian, I'm giving you until 3.
[Monk looks at his watch.]
Sharona: No, not 3 o'clock. I'm counting to three.

Mr. Monk and the Other Woman [1.07]

Monk: It doesn't make any sense.
Stottlemeyer: Does everything have to make sense, Monk?
Monk: Well... yeah, it kinda does.

Todd: You should be ashamed of yourself!
Monk: I am, 24-7.

[Adrian packs to stay overnight at Monica's after a murder in her garage.]
Sharona: I am not coming to get you in the middle of the night!
Monk: You won't have to get me — I'm not a child, Sharona. [worriedly] Can't find my PJs!

[After Stottlemeyer ruins Monk's night "sleepover" with a wrong accusation, and Monk nevertheless solves the case...]
Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk!
[Stottlemeyer shuffles uncomfortably for a moment.]
Stottlemeyer: I'm sorry.
Monk: You don't have to say that.
Stottlemeyer: Yes, I do. Commissioner is making me.

Mr. Monk and the Marathon Man [1.08]

[After Monk misses seeing his marathon idol, Tonday, because he was uninvitedly fixing someone's sweater...]
Monk: It was askew!
Sharona: So what? So what — why can't you just let people be askew? I mean, what are you, the Askew Police?
Monk: Yes, I'm the Askew Police.

[Stottlemeyer et al. confront McDowell about his affair with the murder victim.]
Stottlemeyer: She was your girlfriend.
McDowell: Yes, uh... I really screwed up, big time.
Stottlemeyer: How long have you been "screwing up"?

[Tonday gives Monk his headband from his famous 1973 run. Monk places it against his cheek.]
Monk: Thank you, my friend. Thank you for this. This... means the world to me.
Tonday: I haven't worn it since the big race. Or washed it.
[Tonday gets into his taxi. Monk pulls the headband off his cheek and stares at it.]
Monk: Baggie! Baggie! Baggie, baggie!
Sharona: Just give it to me.

Mr. Monk Takes a Vacation [1.09]

[Monk and Benjy observe Sharona losing to a handsome acquaintance at tennis.]
Benjy: Mom coulda got that shot. You think she's letting him win?
Monk: I wouldn't be surprised.
Benjy: You know, why do girls do that?
Monk: Someday you'll understand. [pauses] When you do, call me and explain it to me.

[Monk and Disher are talking on the phone]
Disher: So, you want to tell me what's going on?
Monk: I think this time, he might have killed his wife.
Disher: Where are you staying, Monk? The Bates Motel?
Monk: No, but I think this place is run by the same company.

[Trying to locate the murder victim, Monk investigates some missing bags of quicklime.]
Monk: There had to be more than one person. I think we're looking for a gang. Did they move those palette boards?
Groundskeeper: They don't belong there.
[Monk compares the window height to the palette stack height.]
Monk: They were short.
Groundskeeper: A short gang of lime thieves?
Monk: It's a nutty world.

Monk: Okay, just for the record, what we just did...
Benjy: Breaking and entering?
Monk: Yeah... it's wrong. Don't-don't do it.

[Monk, with Benjy tagging along, checks out the maids' locker room.]
Benjy: Think the dead body's in here?
Monk: Maybe. It's been everywhere else.

Mr. Monk and the Earthquake [1.10]

[The earthquake prevents Sharona and Benjy from returning to their home.]
Sharona: Well, we can always stay at Aunt Gail's.
Benjy: Why can't we stay at Mr. Monk's?
Sharona: Because I will go crazy slower at Aunt Gail's.

[As they sit with the new widow, gibberish-speaking Adrian attempts to express his condolences. Sharona tells him to leave the room.]
Father Hatcher: Um... where's he from?
Sharona: Neptune.

Benjy: The water's brown!
Gail: Oh yeah, it always gets like that after an earthquake. Fortunately, I always keep some mineral water around for situations like this... Where's my water?
[She opens the cupboard under the sink, which is empty. Cut to the bathroom, where Monk is soaking in the tub, surrounded by empty plastic bottles.]
Gail: [banging on the door] Mr. Monk?
Monk: Don't come in, I'm taking a bath.
Gail: With my mineral water?!
Monk: I tried the water from the tap, it was a little rusty.
Gail: Yeah well, enjoy that bath, it's costing me ninety-five dollars!
Monk: [oblivious to her sarcasm] Thank you!

Lt. Disher: So, uh... what's it like, having Adrian Monk as a house guest?
Gail: Well, a few years ago, a squirrel got into the house, and I could hear it running through the attic and the walls. Took me two months to get rid of it. Drove me crazy.
Lt. Disher: ...And?
Gail: And, that's what it's like!

[Sharona kicks Darryl into the arms of Capt. Stottlemeyer, who grabs him from behind.]
Darryl: Son of a bitch!
Stottlemeyer: I'm surprised you can talk with a broken jaw.
Darryl: I don't have a broken jaw!
[Stottlemeyer spins him around and belts him.]

Mr. Monk and the Red-Headed Stranger [1.11]

[During the initial police press conference, a streaker runs by.]
Stottlemeyer: What the hell was that?
Disher: That was a... streaker, sir.
Stottlemeyer: What is this, 1974?

[Monk rattles off an arcane observation about one of Willie's studio recordings.]
Willie: You know more about me than I do.
Sharona: He knows more about everybody than they do.

[Re-enacting the crime, Monk shoots Sharona with Benjy's toy gun.]
Sharona: Ow! Why am I always the victim?
Monk: Because the victim usually ends up on the ground, in-in the dirt. And I'm... I'm me. Okay, so now... you've been shot. So now you... run away.
Sharona: With pleasure.

[Sharona and Monk are looking through some bagged LP albums in a used-record store.]
Sharona: Look at all these plastic bags! You must be in heaven.

[Monk interrupts Benjy as he interviews Wendy Maas, the blind witness.]
Sharona: Adrian! This is Benjy's interview.
Monk: Then what am I doing here?
Sharona: I don't know. I never know.

Mr. Monk and the Airplane [1.12]

Sharona: Aunt Minn's not coming here. I'm going there. My, ah, flight leaves in about an hour, and... I'm gonna be gone for seven days.
Monk: In a row?

[Adrian empties his pockets of all his baggied items, including his money.]
Security Guard: You didn't have to put them in baggies, sir.
Sharona: No, he did.

Monk: She forgot she was a vegetarian? Who forgets they're vegetarian? It's like... forgetting you're a Republican.

[Monk is talking to Lt. Disher on an airplane phone.]
Disher: Are you really up there in an airplane?
Monk: It's better than being up here not in an airplane.

[Stephan's girlfriend locks Monk inside the bathroom while he is changing. He starts banging on the door and Sharona comes to rescue him.]
Monk: Sharona! Open up! This isn't funny!
[Sharona opens the door. Monk pops out, clutching a piece of paper.]
Sharona: What's that?
Monk: It's my will.

Season 2

Mr. Monk Goes Back to School [2.01]

Stottlemeyer: Well, I guess this is your worst nightmare, a crime scene on a rooftop.
Monk: No, it's not my worst nightmare. It's my fourth worst. No, wait, fifth. No, fourth. Fourth or fifth, I didn't bring the list with me.

Monk: [repeating the murder suspect's words back to him] Q.E.D. Quod erat demonstratum. "Thus it is proven."

Mr. Monk Goes to Mexico [2.02]

[Monk's suitcases, filled with food and water, get stolen]
Monk: What am I going to eat and drink?
Sharona: Adrian, they have food and water in Mexico.
Monk: Answer the question! What am I going to eat and drink!?

[After Monk has turned up, having been presumed dead]
Monk: [Tortured] That officer outside told me I was dead. I'm not dead... am I?

[Monk is presumed dead]
Stottlemeyer: I want a full-dress funeral, white gloves and black armbands, twenty-one gun salute. I want the governor there, and I want the mayor to give a eulogy...
Disher: Monk wasn't on active duty, sir. We can't go full-dress...
Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk is to be buried with honors, or I quit! Let me tell you something, Lieutenant, and I'm not afraid to say this: I loved that man.
[The phone rings.]
Stottlemeyer: [answers] Stottlemeyer... yes. Yes, I understand.
[hangs up]
Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk is alive.
Stottlemeyer: I HATE THAT MAN!

Lt. Plato: Maybe you come back alone, you can earn some more necklaces.
Sharona: Why does everybody keep mentioning my necklaces?
Lt. Plato: They are fiesta beads.
Sharona: What are fiesta beads?
Lt. Plato: You don't remember how you got them?
Sharona: Ahh, no.
Lt. Plato: Guys give them to girls... at parties.
Sharona: Oh, what for?
[Lt. Plato whispers to Sharona]
Sharona: [gasps] Oh my God, why didn't you tell me?!
Lt. Plato: You wore them so... proudly!

[explaining what happened, hoarsely, as he hasn't drank any water in days]
Monk: He was a thirsty victim...
Sharona: Adrian.
Monk: I mean, the perfect victim.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Ballgame [2.03]

[Monk gets baseball star Scott Gregorio to coach Benjy at batting practice.]
Sharona: Thank you, Adrian! [pause] I thought I'd thank you now, because in a half an hour, you're probably gonna piss me off again.
Monk: You're welcome.

Scott Gregorio: They say that when you lose an arm, you can still feel it. That's what it feels like. I miss her so much. How do you... how do you go on? How do you keep working?
Adrian Monk: When Trudy fell in love with me, I was a detective. I was on the street, breaking cases. So I keep working. I keep trying to be the man she loved. That's all you can do: be the man she loved.

[Monk solves the case, and brings a videotape to prove his theory.]
Monk: Can I make a prediction here? You're each going to say, "Oh, my God" twice.
Sharona: Okay, here it is!
Monk: Don't blink.
[They watch the video.]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God.
Lt. Disher: Oh, my God!
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, my...
Lt. Disher: Oh, my God!
Monk: [off Stottlemeyer's look] My God.

[after the season ends, and Scott has failed to break a famous record]
Scott Gregorio: ...But I would like to say something. I met a man recently. He's become a good friend. He reminded me that there are things in life much more important than baseball. What matters most, is the people you love. Being true to them, or their memories. That's the real ball game. My friend isn't giving up on that, and neither am I. I'll see you all in spring training.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus [2.04]

[Monk announces that horsetrainer Ariana is preparing to become a U.S. citizen.]
Ariana: How did you know that?
Monk: That pamphlet in your bag.
[In Ariana's purse, we see "A Guide to the United States Constitution".]
Monk: You're studying the U.S. Constitution — something no citizen would ever do.

Monk: I wanna make sure I understand this. I have a problem... you know the answer...
Dr. Kroger: That's right.
Monk: I'm paying you...
Dr. Kroger: That's right.
Monk: ...but you won't tell me.
Dr. Kroger: That's right. Adrian, the answer is inside you.
Monk: No, doctor, the... answer is inside you. If you told me, I would hear it, and then the answer would be inside me!

Monk: Can't somebody do something about this clown?!

[Monk summarizes the case, and a nearby clown imitates Monk and Stottlemeyer.]
Natasia: Like Tolstoy, you know how to tell a clever story, but you need proof. The elephant isn't talking. Anyone could have put that radio thing in her ear.
Stottlemeyer: Randy, take that thing down to the lab straightaway.
[The clown motions Randy out.]
Monk: I don't think they'll find any prints. She's too smart. I'm sure she wiped it down...
[Natasia looks smug.]
Monk: Then again, that walkie looks brand new, which means she had to put batteries in it.
[The smug look fades.]
Monk: You did remember to wipe your prints off the batteries, didn't you, Natasia?
Clown: [Makes honking sound, forms a gun with hands] Wocka wocka!
Stottlemeyer: All right, that's it, freak. You're under arrest! (Cuffs clown)
Clown: For what?!
Stottlemeyer: For impersonating an officer!

[Monk wants to go home a few minutes after they arrived]
Sharona: Oh, just suck it up.
Monk: I don't think it's my turn to suck it up, I think it's your turn to suck it up.
Benjy: Hey, why don't you both suck it up?
Sharona: Excuse me! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Benjy: No.
Sharona: Well, you should. Come here.

Mr. Monk and the Very, Very Old Man [2.05]

Stottlemeyer: A hundred and fifteen? People that old, they die! It's like their job!

Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk, have you studied the room?
Monk: Yes, I have.
Stottlemeyer: Have you formed an opinion about the cause of Miles Holling's death?
Monk: Yes, I have.
Stottlemeyer: And what is your opinion, Adrian Monk?
Monk: He... was murdered. [into Stottlemeyer's cell phone] He was murdered, Karen.
Karen Stottlemeyer: I knew it!
Stottlemeyer: Sweetheart? I'm gonna strangle Monk, and then I'll call you right back.

Monk: So what do you think?
Stottlemeyer: Well, why ask me? My hippie wife's a much better cop than I am.
Monk: Don't say that.
Stottlemeyer: Look, I don't mind living in your shadow, Monk; you're a freak of nature.
Monk: Thank you.

[Monk jumps on top of the dining table to avoid a snake.]
Stottlemeyer: I thought you were afraid of heights.
Monk: Snakes trump heights. It goes: germs, needles, milk, death, snakes, mushrooms, heights, crowds, elevators...
Stottlemeyer: Okay, okay — I don't need the entire list.

Stottlemeyer: Monk, I'm going to say something I've wanted to say for a long time.
Monk: What is it?
Stottlemeyer: I just solved the case!

Mr. Monk Goes to the Theater [2.06]

[Monk and Sharona follow Jenna to a hotel, but are intercepted by a greeter for a conference.]
Greeter: Oh! Excuse me! Have you registered?
Monk: For... what?
Greeter: Speedy Dates. We do it here once a month.
Sharona: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. I-I read an article about this. It's for singles. Instead of spending all night with one jerk, you get to meet 15 jerks at once.
Greeter: Yeah, that's not exactly how we would describe it.

Monk: Speedy Dates? No. No, no. No, that's like... Dante's seventh circle of Hell.

Date #1: [Romantically] I like your eyes.
Monk: Well, thank you. They came with the face.
Date #1: [Romantically] So you're a former police officer.
Monk: That's right.
Date #1: [Romantically] You still have your handcuffs?
Monk: Yes.
Date #1: [Romantically] Can you show them to me sometime?
Monk: I don't see why you would want to... they're just handcuffs!

Sharona: So, how'd the dating go?
Monk: Oh, it was terrible! Thank God I'm not single.
Sharona: You are single.
Monk: Oh, yeah.

Monk: You... you enter from the right...
Sharona: You mean the left. That's stage left.
Monk: But it's on the right.
Sharona: But it's stage left. That's what they call it.
[She shrugs at Monk's confusion.]
Sharona: My sister's an actress!
Monk: But- but- for the purposes of this recreation, let's just call it what they call it on Planet Earth.
Sharona: [sardonically] Like you would know.

Mr. Monk and the Sleeping Suspect [2.07]

Sharona: Is that a new tie?
Lt. Disher: It's a gift from my girlfriend.
Sharona: She has very good taste. In ties, not in men.
Lt. Disher: Ooh — do I detect a hint of jealousy?
Sharona: If you do, it's the only detecting you've ever done.

Monk: He's the guy.
Stottlemeyer: Who?
[Monk indicates Brian, who is in a coma]
Stottlemeyer: Him? Monk, he's a vegetable! He's not even a vegetable! He hopes to one day be a vegetable!

Stottlemeyer: All right, so... Brian built the bomb, and then Brian mailed the bomb, by himself.
Monk: That's right.
Stottlemeyer: While he was in a coma.
Monk: [admiringly] You gotta admit — it's a pretty good alibi. It's rock solid!
Stottlemeyer: Monk, I have known 15,000 criminals in my lifetime. Here's what they all have in common: they're conscious!
Monk: Nonetheless.
Stottlemeyer: Is your shrink coming back soon?

Sharona: Why can't you be happy for me?
Monk: I am happy for you. This is me, being happy for you. I was just telling Brian how happy you seem.
Sharona: Who's Brian?
Monk: Brian Babbage.
Sharona: The coma guy? He woke up?
Monk: No.
Sharona: But you were talking to him.
Monk: He's a good listener.

U.S. Postal Worker Tamil Swarma: The U.S. Post Office unwittingly became the Messenger of Evil. Who'd a thunk it?
Monk: Well put, Tamil.

Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy [2.08]

[Monk tries to find an article in a Sapphire nudie magazine, but after seeing its other contents, he looks away, humming nervously.]
Diane: Are you a religious man, Mr. Monk?
Sharona: He is now.

Monk: That's strange. Why would he need a mirror on the ceiling?
Sharona: Try not to think about that now.

Dexter Larsen: [about his life before publishing Sapphire] I was a nerd, publishing my little electronics magazine. I was the kind of guy a woman like you would never talk to.
Sharona: You still are.

[Monk has reduced a whole room full of Sapphire models to tears reading Trudy's last poem to him.]
Partygoer: [coming in] Anybody want a swim?
Model: I just want to go home.
2nd Model: Me, too.

Mr. Monk and the 12th Man [2.09]

Mrs. Ling: You come back anytime, Mr. Babcock. You good customer, 'cause you don't complain.
Lt. Disher: Ma'am, he just killed eleven people.
Stottlemeyer: Twelve. Let's not forget about the first Mrs. Babcock, who I'll bet is buried under that new porch.
Mrs. Ling: Yeah, well... he still good customer. Not crazy like that Mr. Monk over there.

Mr. Monk and the Paperboy [2.10]

[Monk has accidentally wiped his hands with a garage rag, smearing them with oil.]
Monk: Oh, my God! Oh, the humanity!

[Monk refuses to reveal his intimacies with his late wife to his psychiatrist.]
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, we can talk about your sex life with Trudy or we can sing show tunes until this session is over. It's your choice.
Monk: [singing] If ever would I leave you...
[Eventually, Monk stops singing. He looks at his watch and stares at Dr. Kroger for a while, then...]
Monk: [singing] If ever would I leave you...

Monk: Why do you torture me like this?
Sharona: Because I can.

Mr. Monk and the Three Pies [2.11]

Sharona: [answers phone] Hello? No, I'm Sharona, his assistant. Who's this? Hold on, please. [to Monk] Adrian? You have a brother?
[Everyone looks up, surprised. Long pause.]
Adrian: No.
Sharona: [into phone] I'm sorry, sir, you must have the wrong Adrian Monk.
[She hangs up. Immediately, the phone starts ringing again.]
Adrian: Wait, wait... I might have a brother.
Sharona: You told me you were an only child.
Adrian: I consider myself an only child. We're not close! He has issues.
Stottlemeyer: [raised eyebrow] Your brother has issues?
Adrian: Don't you people have work to do? There's a dead woman over there!

[after meeting Ambrose, Sharona hugs Monk]
Monk: What's that for?
Sharona: For making my family seem normal.

Sharona: Hi, I'm Sharona Fleming and this is Adrian Monk.
Van Ranken: [starts breathing heavier] Monk... from next door?
Monk: No, I'm his brother.
Van Ranken: You almost gave me a heart attack! That guy hasn't left the house in, what, twenty years?
Monk: Thirty-two...
Van Ranken: My wife knows him. Isn't he... scared of stuff?
Monk: Yes... he's scared of stuff. Stuff... and things.

Sharona: Ambrose, come with us.
Ambrose: Outside? Oh no, I can't.
Sharona: You're just gonna hide in this house for the rest of your life?
Ambrose: That's my plan, yes.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Van Ranken, we would like permission to search your pie.
Van Ranken: What?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Please, don't make me say it again.
Van Ranken: And if I refuse?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Then we'll get a search warrant.
Van Ranken: For a pie?

Mr. Monk and the T.V. Star [2.12]

[Monk reenacts a murder with Sharona as the victim]
Sharona: I think you enjoy shooting and stabbing me.
Monk: No, I don't enjoy it. But it's my job.

[Monk solves the case]
Monk: Oh, my God. I think I know what happened here. Sharona, you're not going to like this. Just-just try to keep an open mind, hear me out...
Sharona: [sadly] He did it, didn't he?

Marci: If you ever get your own TV show, promise me you will never change the theme song.
N.B. Monk has "It's a jungle out there" by Randy Newman as his theme song in season two forward, but the first season had a guitar melody. As Marci says this, the old theme song starts to play and continues playing over the end credits.

Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny [2.13]

[Stottlemeyer and Monk are interrogating Ron Abrash, a suspect in a kidnapping.]
Abrash: What have you been smokin', man?
Monk: I've been smokin' THE TRUTH, MAN!
Abrash: What, are you guys playing "Good cop, crazy cop?"

[Monk is trying to get a man at a homeless shelter to have gravy, because everyone else is.]
Sharona: Adrian, he doesn't want any gravy!
Monk: Let the man speak for himself.
Man: I don't want any gravy!
[Monk approaches man that didn't want gravy]
Monk: Here, it is!
Man: I told you, I didn't want any!
Monk: Didn't you just ask for gravy?
Man: Are you serious?
Monk: Oh. Well, here it is.
Man: I told you, I don't want it.
Monk: Okay, how about this. You have some gravy...
Man: And?
Monk: That's it.

Mr. Monk and the Captain's Wife [2.14]

[Stottlemeyer prepares to lead a raid on a union's headquarters]
Lt. Disher: Captain! That was Monk!
[everyone freezes]
Lt. Disher: He said he solved the case.
Stottlemeyer: He what?
Lt. Disher: He says it's not a union thing.
Stottlemeyer: ...Is he sure?
Lt. Disher: ...He's Monk.

Stottlemeyer: Did Adrian Monk just jump into a garbage truck?

Mr. Monk Gets Married [2.15]

Sharona: Have you been drinking?
Disher: Yes, I have. I couldn't think of any other way to get all this Scotch into my body.

Disher: There's something wrong about this. My spidey sense is tingling.

Sharona: Adrian, you have to sit. This is a picnic.
Monk: I - I don't sit on the ground. Animals do things on the ground - terrible, terrible things.

Sharona: We're never going to get away with this! They're never going to believe we're really married.
Monk: We have nothing in common. I annoy you all the time. Why wouldn't they believe it?

Monk: I can't sleep with a crooked shelf in the room.
Sharona: Well, when you turn the light off you won't see it.
Monk: I wish you could hear yourself sometimes. You live in a dream world.

Mr. Monk Goes to Jail [2.16]

[Two officers discuss an inmate who will be executed soon]
Warden Christie: Where's Ray Kaspo?
Guard: In the holding cell, having his last meal. Ribs and chili.
Warden Christie: Ribs and chili? That might kill him before we do.

Adrian Monk: It seems prison agrees with you, Dale.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Well, why wouldn't it? After all, [indicates his stomach] I've been inside this prison all my life.
Adrian Monk: That's very poetic.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Of course, it doesn't compare with the prison you built for yourself.

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I want to make you an offer...
Sharona Fleming: Oh please, drop dead!
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Well, you'd think I would have by now, wouldn't you? [laughs]

[while pretending to be a convict, Monk tapes a picture of Trudy to his cell wall]
Spyder Rudner: Is that your old lady?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Spyder Rudner: Is she waiting for you?
Adrian Monk: Yes, she is.

Spyder Rudner: All right, Adolf, let him go!
Lody: It's not about you, Spyder!
Spyder Rudner: The guy's a friend of mine.
Lody: He's a cop!
Spyder Rudner: Yeah, so I've heard. Let him go.
Lody: You'd side with a cop over us?
Spyder Rudner: I'd side with a cucaracha over you.

Season 3

Mr. Monk Takes Manhattan [3.01]

[The federal authorities are refusing access to Tennyson]
Stottlemeyer: You gave me your word.
Det. Walter: Come on, I didn't lie to you. If we close the ambassador case...
Stottlemeyer: Look, I don't care about the frigging ambassador, okay? He means less than zero to me! My friend's wife got blown up! You understand? And it killed him too!

[Monk accidentally gets pushed onto a departing subway]
Sharona: Sir, sir! You've got to stop that train, he's all alone-!
Subway Cop: All right, ma'am, just calm down. It happens all the time. [lifts his radio] What's his name?
Sharona: Adrian Monk.
Subway Cop: And how old is he?
Sharona: He's forty-five.

Monk: You... it was you. You filthy, disgusting animal! YOU MAKE ME SICK!
[confused, everyone turns to look]
Busboy: Me?
Sharona: What are you doing? He's a busboy!
Monk: Sharona, don't you recognize him? From the subway! He's the Urinator! Urinator! It was you! Don't try to deny it-
Stottlemeyer: Monk...
Monk: We saw what you did-!
Stottlemeyer: Monk! Could we get back to the quadruple homicide, please?

[Monk and Sharona are in a diner where Monk wants to use his one pair of handcuffs to arrest someone who urinated in public earlier.]
Sharona: That man took a whizz in the subway. That man killed four people in cold blood. Now who do you think we should arrest?
[Monk thinks it over]
Monk: [hesitantly] The murderer.

Tennyson: You were the husband?
Monk: I am the husband.
Tennyson: Forgive me.
Monk: Forgive you? This is me, turning off your morphine...
[Tennyson's eyes widen in horror]
Monk: ...and this is Trudy, the woman you killed, turning it back on.

Mr. Monk and the Panic Room [3.02]

[Monk is patching up Benjy after he got into a fight at school.]
Monk: Uh-oh...
Benjy: What?
Monk: The Band-Aid.
Benjy: It's okay, it doesn't have to be perf- [Monk rips it off] OW!
Sharona: Now Benjy, you're grounded! That means no TV, and no Playstation!
Benjy: Mom!
Monk: Sharona, he was just sticking up for a friend.
Sharona: Adrian, you stay out of this! You're not his father.
Monk: That's true, but I care about him as much as any father.
[He rips off the Band-Aid again.]
Benjy: OW!

Stottlemeyer: They call it a panic room. I know that's a difficult concept because, for you, every room is a panic room.
Monk: Thank you.

Disher: [after explaining his theory] ...Thus, suicide by monkey.
Sharona: Thus, theory by monkey.

[Dr. Kroger is at Monk's apartment because Sharona left a chimp loose with Monk.]
Dr. Kroger: I can see your space has been violated, and I think you're handling it very well. I'm proud of you. How do you feel?
Monk: [high-pitched voice] I'm fine. These things happen, what can you do?
Dr. Kroger: Exactly, exactly. These are all just material objects. You can always replace anything that he breaks, or chews, or... [sees] pees on.
Monk: Chews or pees on... Chews or pees on...

Mr. Monk and the Blackout [3.03]

[During a blackout]
Monk: [groans]
Sharona: Benjy, hold his hand.
Benjy: Ow! He's squeezing it!
Sharona: Let him squeeze it.
Monk: When will it be over?
Sharona: Adrian, calm down, they're working on it now, it won't be long.
Monk: When will it be over?
Sharona: I'm telling you, I don't know, they're working on it.
Monk: When will it be over?!
Benjy: Make him stop!
[The lights come back on]
Sharona: See? I told you.
Monk: I didn't know when it would be over.
Sharona: So I heard.

[Monk has a date]
Sharona: Are you excited?
Monk: Yes... if by excited, you mean petrified and full of regret.
Sharona: Petrified and full of regret. Welcome to the world of dating.

[When stuck in a elevator due to a blackout]
Monk: [pushing Emergency Call button] Lobby, lobby, lobby, lobby, lobby...
Person in Elevator: Sir, the power is out. That means you can't reach them.
Monk: ...Yeah, you're probably right. [Resumes pushing button] Lobby, lobby, lobby...

[during yet another blackout]
Monk: [stumbles and hits something] I cannot find my night-vision goggles. There is a fatal flaw in the night-vision goggle plan!

[Stottlemeyer and Disher burst in and point their guns at the criminal]
Monk: Lieutenant, these are night-vision goggles! Turn the lights back off, I'll have the advantage! Turn them off!
Lt. Disher: Yeah, we could do that... or we could just arrest him.

Mr. Monk Gets Fired [3.04]

[Sharona is confused about Monk's near-catatonia after he lands a magazine job on his first interview.]
Sharona: What's the problem? It's a great job!
Monk: I had a great job. I-I was a cop, that's all I ever wanted to be. I couldn't fix the whole world, I knew that. But I could fix... little pieces of it, one little piece at a time. Put things back together. Sharona, I-I need it. I miss it, I-I miss it so much...
Sharona: Hey, hey. I miss it too.

Monk: I solved the case!
Sharona: What are you doing?
Monk: I'm dancing a jig!
Sharona: That's not a jig.
Monk: What is it, then?
Sharona: I don't know, I don't want to know.
Monk: I'm back, baby!

Mr. Monk Meets the Godfather [3.05]

[Sharona has her car in the shop for repairs.]
Monk: Tell him about that noise your radio keeps making.
Sharona: That's my music.

[FBI agent Colmes wants Monk to wear a wire into a meeting with mob kingpin Salvatore Lucarelli.]
Monk: Okay, okay. Here's the thing: I can't have anything taped to my chest.
Colmes: Ah, that's fine. Come here, I'll... let me show you this. Ah, you see, these days...
[He pulls out a piece of paper.]
Colmes: We can put a transmitter just about anywhere on the human body. You have six options.
[Monk and Sharona examine the list, with Disher and Stottlemeyer looking over their shoulders.]
Monk: Number One... is out. Number Two... uh, you-you wouldn't actually shave me there, would you?
[Colmes nods.]
Monk: Okay... no thank you. Number Three...
Sharona: What if you had to sit down?
Monk: Right. Good point. Number Four...
[He slowly looks up at Colmes, then turns to Sharona.]
Monk: Even if I die, don't let them do Number Four.
Lt. Disher: Number Five.
Monk: I'll do... okay. I'll do it. I'll try that.
Sharona: That's only for women!
Lt. Disher: Oh! Right.
Monk: Oh, yeah. Ah, Number Six... Number Six. I'll... I can do that.
Colmes: Number Six? Great.
Monk: Not Four.

[Mob "associate" Vince insists on guarding Monk and Sharona.]
Vince: Uncle Sal told me [to] keep an eye on you. It's for your own protection.
Monk: It's a little insulting. I haven't needed a babysitter since I was nineteen.
Sharona: You had a babysitter when you were nineteen?
Monk: Everyone did. It was the seventies; it was a crazy time.

[Monk gets a confession from the real culprit, but discovers the wire wasn't working.]
Monk: Maybe we can trick him into... saying it again.
Colmes: Oh, really? How're we gonna do that?
Monk: Well, I'll just go back there, sit down, and say... "What?"

[Colmes refuses to support Monk's reinstatement since their sting didn't turn up any evidence against Salvatore.]
Stottlemeyer: Let me tell you something. Adrian Monk may be afraid of germs, heights, elevators, and puppies... but you couldn't pack that man's lunch.
Colmes: Ah, that's true. I've seen that man pack a lunch. He's insane.

Mr. Monk and the Girl Who Cried Wolf [3.06]

[Sharona thinks she is losing her sanity like her father, and believes it's due to the stress of taking care of Monk. She is at Dr. Kroger's office.]
Sharona: I swear to God, if I have a breakdown, I'll never forgive him.
Dr. Kroger: Your father?
Sharona: Adrian.

Varla: [Picks up piece of paper] "List of Adrian Monk's fears and phobias." Hmm... "Germs, Needles, Snakes, Heights, Milk, Cr..." MILK? You're afraid of milk?! My three-year-old nephew isn't even afraid of milk!
Monk: You must be very proud of him.
Varla: Yes, I am proud of him, not because of that, but because he's normal. You're not anything near that!

Mr. Monk and the Employee of the Month [3.07]

[Monk steps on some bubble wrap on the ground at the crime scene and is compelled to pop it to make it even.]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Having fun?
Monk: No.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Are you going to pop all of these?
Monk: No choice.
[Capt. Stottlemeyer picks up another side and starts popping it.]
Monk: You've gotta depress it with your thumb-
Capt Stottlemeyer: Monk, I know how to pop bubble wrap!
[He calls two more officers over]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Start popping these.
[They keep popping for a few seconds.]
Officer: Is there any reason why we're doing this?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Nope. Just keep popping.
Monk: Thanks. I really appreciate it.

[Sharona, Disher, Monk, and Stottlemeyer are in a "Mega-Mart" warehouse.
Sharona: Tired?
Disher: I was up all night with my girlfriend.
Sharona: Yeah, those imaginary girlfriends can be pretty wild.
Disher: She's not imaginary.
Sharona: [Sarcastically] Really? What's her name?
Disher: Crystal.
Sharona: [Sees box labeled "Crystal Glassware"] What's her last name? Glassware?
Disher: No, it's Smith.
Sharona: You have a picture?
Disher: [Takes picture from wallet, gives picture to Sharona]
Sharona: Oh, she's pretty. [Turns over picture] Randy, this came with the wallet!
Disher: Yeah, I know. She's a wallet model.
Sharona: That's sad.
Disher: Sharona, she's one of the world's top five wallet models!

[Monk is late for dinner]
Sharona: So where is he, anyway?
Christie: Last I saw, he was putting away boxes in the shoe department.
Sharona: He's putting boxes away?
Christie: [laughing] Yeah...
Sharona: Oh, God. Maybe we'd better go ahead and start ordering now, you know?

Christie: 89-cent plastic commemorative plaque. Would you kill someone to get this?
Monk: I'd kill someone not to get it.

Mr. Monk and the Game Show [3.08]

Monk: [on the phone with Sharona] He's in the kitchen, naming every egg salad sandwich he's ever had. Eight, including today. It's not funny, stop laughing.
Monk: Come back soon. And when you do, bring a gun.

[Kevin Dorfman and Monk are looking in a suspects house, and are debating whether they can go in]
Kevin: I know, I'll lean in.
Monk: What?
Kevin: Yeah, you can lean anywhere you want to. It's in the Constitution.
Monk: I can't imagine what Constitution you're referring to.

Mr. Monk Takes His Medicine [3.09]

Monk: I'm afraid... of change... and I'm afraid of not changing...

Sharona: I am your nurse! Why didn't you tell me?
Monk: Because I knew you'd bring me down! You're bringing the Monk down, man.

Monk: I am so outta here.

Monk: Hey, you know what they say: wherever the Monk is, it's Mardi Gras.

Sharona: Is it you?
Monk: I think so. [touches a lamp]
Sharona: What happened to "The Monk"?
Monk: Trudy didn't like him.

Mr. Monk and the Red Herring [3.10]

Dr. Kroger: Your new assistant is out there, somewhere.
[Monk ponders this for a while.]
Monk: God help her.

[Monk is interviewing candidates for his new assistant.]
Nurse #2: What would my hours be?
Monk: Nine A.M....
Nurse #2: Until...?
Monk: Until one...
Nurse #2: One P.M.?
Monk: Until one of us dies.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well, does anybody have any ideas?
Lt. Disher: Maybe it swallowed something. Like a diamond!
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Does anybody besides Randy have any ideas?

Capt. Stottlemeyer: How are those interviews going? Did ya find anybody?
Monk: I've narrowed it down... to nobody.

[Pursuing a suspect, Natalie drags Monk through a walkthrough exhibit of a woman's reproductive system.]
Natalie: Pretend you're in a funhouse.
Monk: Funhouse?! What's fun about fallopian tubes?!
Natalie: Okay, fetus ahead!
Monk: Ahhhh!
[They turn into the fallopian tubes.]
Monk: Ah, no! Oh, I c— I can't go up there, I— ah, I-I-I-I don't even know this woman.

Mr. Monk vs. the Cobra [3.11]

Monk: It must be a heavy burden, to carry such tremendous wisdom.
Master Zi: It is a gift... and a curse.

[Natalie whacks Monk with a pillow from a coffin]
Monk: Natalie! What are you doing? That's a... it's a... death pillow!

[Monk has been buried alive.]
Stottlemeyer: All right, listen up! We figure he's got about forty minutes of air if he's not panicking... figure on fifteen minutes.

Mr. Monk Gets Cabin Fever [3.12]

Monk: I happen to believe that all men are brothers. Every man's bent antenna... diminishes me.
Natalie: What are you talking about?
Monk: I don't know.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Monk... are you sure? I mean, are you really sure? And don't give me any of that "ninety-five percent" crap.
Monk: Captain, I am one hundred percent sure... that she probably killed him.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: What does that mean?
Monk: ...Ninety-five percent.

[In the woods]
Monk: We're lost, aren't we?
Natalie: We're not lost.
Stottlemeyer: We're not lost.
Monk: Oh, my God! WE'RE LOST!

[In the woods, Monk stumbles and grabs a tree to keep his balance.]
Monk: Ooh, I got nature, I got nature on my hand! [Natalie wipes off the dirt with a leaf] What are you doing? You can't clean nature with nature!

Monk and Disher: [simultaneously] Oh my God, I've got it! Here's what happened... [Monk and Disher start expaining what happened]
Deputy Coby: My head is spinning. Which one are you listening to?
Stottlemeyer: Neither one.

Mr. Monk Gets Stuck in Traffic [3.13]

[Monk is getting onto the Korn tour bus so Julie can use the restroom.]
Monk: They spelled "Korn" wrong!

Monk: I like your music. It's very... musical. But I wish I could understand more of the words.

Monk: I play the clarinet. Played with Willie Nelson.

Monk: [To a band member] I like your socks.
Band Member: They're not socks. [He pulls up his pant leg and uncovers a very large tattoo, and Monk covers his eyes and Julie's eyes.]

Mr. Monk Goes to Vegas [3.14]

Stottlemeyer: Where's my pants? Randy, where's my pants?
Disher: You threw 'em out the window.
Stottlemeyer: Why'd I do that?
Disher: One of the girls bet you a dollar you wouldn't.
Stottlemeyer: [taking a dollar out of the waistband of his boxer shorts] Looks like she paid up.

[Natalie effortlessly arranges special favors "because I'm cute".]
Monk: Boy! It's like you have superpowers.
Natalie: It's a gift.
Monk: And a curse?
Natalie: No, just a gift.

[In the private elevator, Monk throws a scarf around Natalie's neck.]
Natalie: What're you doing?
Monk: We're reenacting the crime. You're the victim.
Natalie: Wh-what if the elevator starts up?! It'll get caught again!
Monk: It's not going to get caught.
Natalie: W— Then you be the victim!
Monk: N-n-n-n-no! Uh, Sharona was always the victim.
Natalie: I'm sure she was.
Monk: We have a system! It's a good system. There's an old saying: Don't... change... anything... ever.
Natalie: That's an old saying?
Monk: I've been saying it for years.

Daniel Thorn: Virtue is not one of my virtues.

Stottlemeyer: So, that means if I'm drunk as a skunk, completely plastered, I'm as smart as you?
Monk: Smarter!

Mr. Monk and the Election [3.15]

[Natalie refuses to drop out of the school board race after a sniper attack, so Capt. Stottlemeyer sets up protection.]
Stottlemeyer: And I'm assigning you a bodyguard. Lieutenant...
[Stottlemeyer pins a "Vote Teeger" button on Disher's lapel.]
Stottlemeyer: ...thank you for volunteering.
Natalie: He's my bodyguard?!
Stottlemeyer: 24/7!
Natalie: I'm still not dropping out.

[Disher tests some lasagna Whitman brought in]
Disher: A little too much oregano, but it's not poisoned.
Whitman: That's what every cook likes to hear.

Mr. Monk and the Kid [3.16]

[Stottlemeyer and Monk discuss two-year-old Tommy's discovery of a severed finger.]
Monk: Where did he find it?
Stottlemeyer: The boy's not talking.
Monk: Maybe he hates cops.
Stottlemeyer: Maybe he's two years old.

[Monk is babysitting Tommy.]
Teresa Crane: Now... before I go, do you have any questions for me?
Monk: Yes, yes, I have a couple of questions. What does he eat?
Teresa Crane: He... eats food. He eats whatever you eat, only smaller portions.
Monk: Oh. So he's like a person.

[Monk calls 9-1-1 while babysitting Tommy.]
911 Operator: You mean, you've never changed a diaper?
Monk: Hurry!
911 Operator: Okay, sir. On the side of the diaper there should be two Velcro straps.
Monk: Okay, I've got the straps.
911 Operator: Now rip 'em open!
[sound of Velcro ripping]
Monk: Oh! Oooohh! Oh, my God! Oh, the humanity!

Natalie: Oh, my God! What is this? Why is he wearing a helmet?
Monk: To protect his head.
Natalie: It must be so uncomfortable.
Monk: Oh, he'll get used to it. I used to wear one all the time.
Natalie: Your parents made you wear a helmet?
Monk: No.

[Monk is babysitting Tommy.]
Natalie: Oh my gosh, look! He's separating his food!
Tommy: Me separating food!

Season 4

Mr. Monk and the Other Detective [4.01]

[A less-competent detective arrives at the crime scene with all the answers.]
Monk: He's cheating!
Stottlemeyer: Monk, this isn't the fourth grade.
Monk: He's cheating!

Mr. Monk Goes Home Again [4.02]

Mrs. Gilstrap: I have to have a Neptune bar every night or else I can't sleep. Funny, isn't it? I guess we all have our little quirks.
Monk: [Nonchanantly] Yes, I suppose we do...

Mr. Monk Stays in Bed [4.03]

[Natalie's cell phone rings]
Monk: Natalie, it's me, Adrian Monk.
Natalie: Yes, Mr. Monk, we were just talking about you.
Monk: Natalie, you have to come back here.
Natalie: I can't right now, Mr. Monk, I'm at the pizzeria talking to the manager.
Monk: It's Ebola.
Natalie: Excuse me?
Monk: I think I have the Ebola virus.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk you do not have the Ebola virus.
Monk: I'm pretty sure I do, I have all the symptoms, I have the headache, the fever, the massive internal bleeding.
Natalie: You have massive internal bleeding?
Monk: Yes, I believe I do, that is my opinion.

[Monk is in bed and Natalie brings him some soup.]
Monk: I see letters!
Natalie: It's alphabet soup.

[While Monk's in bed Stottlemeyer visits him.]
Stottlemeyer: [pointing to machine] What's this?
Monk: Humidifier.
Stottlemeyer: [Pointing to other machine] And this?
Monk: De-humidifier.
[long pause]
Stottlemeyer: Well, don't they cancel each other out?
Monk: Exactly.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Office [4.04]

[Monk sees two police officers conversing at a crime scene.]
Monk: [to Natalie] They're talking about football. I have that one! Give me the cards.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, you don't need the cards.
Monk: Give me the cards.
[Natalie hands him the cards. Monk rummages through them.]
Monk: Let's see, weather, politics, movies, swear words...
Natalie: Swear words?
Monk: Here's football.
[He looks at the cards and approaches the officers.]
Monk: You guys are talking about the football game last night? The San Francisco 49ers lost 27 points to 21 points.
Police Officer #1: Yes, we know.
Monk: It was a hell of a fourth quarter, though. It was the turn-overs. They always comeback to haunt you.
Police Officer #2: Yeah, we were just saying Rattay can't handle the pressure. Why didn't they take him out?
[Monk thinks for a moment and goes back to the cards. He returns to the police officers.]
Monk: That's true about quarterback Tim Rattay. But don't forget, he won 4 out of the 5 last home games.
Police Officer #2: But they were in Houston, Monk.
[Long pause.]
Monk: You guys want to hear some swear words?

Mr. Monk Gets Drunk [4.05]

Monk: Isn't this great? Just two guys in a revolving restaurant...

Monk: You look like a moose. I think I'll call you... Mr Look-like-a-moose.

Mr. Monk and Mrs. Monk [4.06]

[Monk is in shock when faced with evidence that his wife Trudy faked her own death.]
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I'm not going to believe anything until I hear it from you. Is Trudy alive?
Monk: I don't know. But if it's true, then nothing is true. If this is true, nothing is true.

Monk: I got her back. For an hour and a half. I thought she might be alive. I had hope. Isn't hope the worst?

Mr. Monk Goes to a Wedding [4.07]

Natalie: Stay away from our family. We have enough problems.

Mr. Monk and Little Monk [4.08]

Sherry: Adrian helped me out of a jam when we were young. Was that 30 years ago?
Monk: April 12, 1972.
Sherry: You remember?
Monk: I only remember the date... and what everybody wore, and what everybody said, and what everybody did.

Mrs. Monk: You'll thank me later.

Adrian: I love you, Mom.
[He opens his arms to hug her.]
Mrs. Monk: What are you doing?
Adrian: Right, sorry.
[He puts down one of his bags and gives her a brisk handshake.]

Natalie: What was he like? As a kid?
Sherry: Pretty much the same. Careful, smart... sad.

Mrs. Ledsky: Here, take this one. I made it with exactly ten chocolate chips, like you like.
Adrian: [bites the cookie] You're an excellent cook, Mrs. Ledsky.
Mrs. Ledsky: It's a gift... [hand to her stomach] And a curse.

Mr. Monk and the Secret Santa [4.09]

Julie: I've never seen the snow. Is it beautiful?
Monk: Oh, yes. It's beautiful. You know, no two snowflakes are alike... and it's still beautiful.

Mr. Monk Goes to a Fashion Show [4.10]

Natalie: [after Hodge insults her outfit] He did it.
Monk: Natalie, he's not even a suspect.
Natalie: Damn!

[Natalie, wearing a black dress and sunglasses, approaches Randy, who is standing with one foot on a rock, his elbow on his knee, and his head on his fist, gazing into the distance]
Natalie: What are you doing?
Disher: Standing. This is how I stand. What are you wearing?
Natalie: Clothes. This is how I dress.
Disher: This is how I stand.
Natalie: This is how I dress.

[Randy has taken to wearing expensive suits after Hodge complimented him on his looks]
Stottlemeyer: Where's your notebook?
Disher: Oh, I don't have one. It's an Italian suit, it was ruining the lining. But don't worry, [points to his head] I'll remember it.
. . .
[after Monk proves that an apparent suicide was murder]
Stottlemeyer: Okay! Lock this place down, this is now a homicide investigation! Fabio, borrow a notebook, borrow a pencil, and start going door to door!

Monk: Natalie! Don't eat the food back there: I just saw two of the models throwing up.

Julian Hodge: [to Natalie] So, it's true what they say, huh? You can never judge a person by how they dress.
Natalie: Well, let me tell you about what you're going to be wearing. I hope you like orange. It's a little jumpsuit thing, it has a number right here. You can wear it anywhere, really. Indoors, walking around the yard...

Mr. Monk Bumps His Head [4.11]

[Disher tells Natalie that Monk has been found in Wyoming, where a trucker dropped him off.]
Natalie: Are they sure it's really him?
Lt. Disher: The trucker gave him a five dollar bill, the guy kept smoothing it out.
Natalie: He's alive!

Monk: [surrounded by bees] Could you do me a favor? Could you kill me, please?

Mr. Monk and the Captain's Marriage [4.12]

Mr. Monk and the Big Reward [4.13]

Mr. Monk and the Astronaut [4.14]

Natalie: [after convincing an astronaut and Monk to speak at a school] I'm gonna be parent of the year!

Monk: I'm half-man, half-wuss. I'm a muss.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Dentist [4.15]

"Don't Need a Badge"

I'm tired of suckin' up.
I'm tired of suckin' up and workin' for The Man.
Keepin' people down 'cause the Law book says I can.
Cuff my brothers and sisters, oh, it's not the way to be.
But, Honey, those days are gone, 'cause, Baby, I am free.
Well, I don't need a badge to tell me wrong from right.
I don't need a badge to tell me day from night.
I don't need a badge 'cause my eyes can see.
I don't need a badge 'cause, Baby, I am free.
It's been a long, long time cleanin' up the streets.
Now Papa's got a new gig, he's got a brand new beat.
It's called rock 'n' roll, and, Baby, I hold the key.
This guitar here's my badge and music set me free.
Well, I don't need a badge to tell me wrong from right.
I don't need a badge to tell me day from night.
I don't need a badge 'cause my eyes can see.
I don't need a badge 'cause, Baby, I am free.
Well, I'm feelin' real fed up, so you'd better be aware.
I'm done with all your rules, 'cause, man, I ain't no square.
Music is my savior, with that you must agree.
This guitar here's my badge and music set me free.
I don't need a gun to make me feel strong.
I don't need a captain shootin' me down all day long.
I don't need your moustache, don't you condescend to me.
I don't need nobody 'cause, Baby, I am free.
This guitar here's my badge.
Rock 'n' roll set me free.
This guitar here's my badge.
You better not try to take it from me.
I don't need a gun to make me feel strong.
I don't need a captain shootin' me down all day long.
I don't need your moustache, don't you condescend to me.
I don't need nobody 'cause, Baby, I am free.
No, I don't need nobody 'cause, Baby, I am free.

Mr. Monk Gets Jury Duty [4.16]

[Monk is yelling out a window to Natalie who is standing by a dumpster where a dead woman was found]
Monk: Who is she?
Natalie: No I.D.
Monk: No idea?
Natalie: [a little louder] No I.D.
Monk: No idea?
Natalie: [louder] No... [points to eye] I... [makes the shape of a "D"] D!
Monk: ...No idea?
Disher: No I.D.!
Monk: No idea?
Disher: NO I.D.!!
Natalie: [screams, exasperated] NO I.D.!!!
[long pause]
Monk: ...No idea?

Season 5

Mr. Monk and the Actor [5.01]

[After being threatened by Ruskin, dressed as Monk, the real Monk shows up]
Leverett: What are you guys, some kind of cult?

Dr. Kroger: And they canceled the movie [about you]?
Monk: [Ruskin] said he wanted to play a character who wasn’t so dark and depressing. [pause] He’s in England playing Hamlet.

Mr. Monk and the Garbage Strike [5.02]

Monk: The people woke up at five this morning and couldn't go back to sleep because it smelled like a buffalo died in the people's closet.

Monk: We'll burn down the whole city - and start all over again! Rebuild it, clean it! And we can even straighten out Lombard Street while we're at it.

[Monk is driving a lone garbage truck through the city.]
Disher: He's like a vigilante. A garbage vigilante.
Stottlemeyer: You could say that. But don't.

Monk: It's no secret that rock stars collect antiques, especially antique chairs.

Monk: Now it's true that Alice Cooper is a hippie, but he's the bad kind! The kind that breaks into other people's offices, beats them up, shoots them in the head, and steals their antique chairs!

Mr. Monk and the Big Game [5.03]

[Trying to get Natalie to stand on his hands to look on top of a locker]
Monk: [Locks his hands] Up you go.
Natalie: What?
Monk: Take a look, check it out. Up you go.
Natalie: Up you go.
Monk: Up you go!
Natalie: Up you go!
Monk: Up you go!
Natalie: I'm just the assistant!
Monk: I believe the word "assist" is a very large part of the word "assistant." Right, "assist", from the Latin, meaning, "UP YOU GO!"

Principal Franklin: Oh yes, Mr. Monk. We met last year at the, uhh, career day. How have you been?
Monk: The same.
Principal Franklin: Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

Natalie: So you've never won anything in your whole life?
Monk: Once, at a birthday party, I won a game of musical chairs.
Natalie: Well, that's something.
Monk: But then I was disqualified. A mother said I went counter-clockwise, or something.
Natalie: Well, at least you got invited to the party!
Monk: It was my party, okay, it was my mother.

[Monk, Natalie, and Julie are putting all of Monk's "Case Trophies" on his mantle.]
Monk: I'm gonna need a bigger mantle. Natalie! I'm gonna need a bigger mantle!
Natalie: Your mother would be so proud.
Monk: Oh, no she wouldn't. But it's still nice of you to say.

Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing [5.04]

Monk: Natalie, are you... flying?

Monk: [His answering machine] Hello. This is Adrian... Monk. Thank you for calling my new answering machine. When you hear the beep noise, please speak into the telephone receiver and leave a message, which I will play back and listen to later. This is the end of the message, and here is the beep... I was talking about.

[Stottlemeyer and a still-blind Monk enter the morgue.]
Stottlemeyer: Hello? [no answer] Well, we've got the place to ourselves, so to speak.
Monk: Do you see him? Do you see Eddie Murdoch?
Stottlemeyer: No.
Monk: Well, what do you see?
Stottlemeyer: Uh, people, just sitting around bloated, not talking. Kind of like Thanksgiving at my ex-wife's house.

Mr. Monk, Private Eye [5.05]

Natalie: It took Grandpa Neville's business a whole year before it finally took off!
Monk: Not everyone feels the same way you do about Grandpa Neville. For example, I was just thinking about how fun it would be to dig up his body and poke it with a bi-i-ig stick.
Linda Fusco: [enters] Who's Grandpa Neville? And why are we poking him with a stick?

Disher: You're the number one realtor in Northern California.
Linda Fusco: Tell me something I don't know.
Stottlemeyer: The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump.
Linda Fusco: Pardon me?
Stottlemeyer: You said tell you something you don't know and I told you that the only mammal who can't jump is your elephant.

Natalie: You can't swim?
Monk: To be honest, I don't know. I mean, I know how... all right, I took a correspondence course.
Natalie: You learned to swim by mail?
Monk: They sent me a little diploma! And, I've got this.
[He gives her a little card from his wallet.]
Natalie: "Swimming Fundamentals: Don't panic; Breathe normally; Flutter kicks..."
Monk: Can I have that back, please?
Natalie: Why would you even take the course? You never go in the water.
Monk: Hello, tsunamis?

[Before jumping off a boat to escape a killer, Monk quickly consults his card.]
Monk: "Don't panic" - forget that - "Breathe normally, flutter kicks..."

Stottlemeyer: Hey, there he is! There's Monk! Twenty degrees to port.
Disher: What's that next to him, is it a life preserver?
Stottlemeyer: Nah, it looks like a toilet seat.
Linda Fusco: Well, if it's floating, why doesn't he just grab it?
Stottlemeyer/Disher/Natalie: Uh...

Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion [5.06]

Natalie: Mr. Monk, why is your name on this spit-shield?
Monk: Well, when I was here, there was nothing protecting the food.
Natalie: So you donated all these? That was so generous of you!
Monk: Actually, it was more of a lawsuit. Took up a lot of my spare time.

[Monk remembers a woman using his back as a writing desk, and tries to remember what she wrote.]
Disher: Can he do that?
Natalie: It's how he met Trudy! It's his superpower!

Mr. Monk Gets a New Shrink [5.07]

[After taking a bullet for Dr. Kroger]
Krenshaw: Monk... Monk... Beat that!

Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert [5.08]

[Disher is dancing around in his Chris Ketter shirt holding a beer.]
Captain Stottlemeyer: [Pointing to Monk] He's a cop, I'm a cop, [Pointing to Disher] and he's a cop.
Man: [Referring to Disher] He's a cop?

Mr. Monk Meets His Dad [5.09]

Holding Cell Inmate: What are you doing?
Jack Monk: I'm speed-reading.
Holding Cell Inmate: What's your rush?
Jack Monk: I'm old.

Holding Cell Cop: Jack Monk, your son is here.
[Jack stands up and sees Stottlemeyer]
Jack Monk: I'm looking at you, but I see your mother.
Stottlemeyer: Uh, no sir, I'm Captain Stottlemeyer. This is Adrian.
Jack Monk: [covering] That man looks just like your mother!

Jack Monk: What I want? Two things. A: forgive me. Forgive your father. I was negligent and I was selfish, and I'm very sorry. And B is: get me the hell outta Dodge. But if you can only do one, I'll take B. I gotta be in Phoenix in the morning.

Adrian Monk: He never loved me! He doesn't love anyone except maybe Jack, Jr.!
Natalie Teeger: Jack, Jr.?
Adrian Monk: His other son! He gave him a bike! I never got a bike!
Natalie Teeger: [aside] There's another brother!
Stottlemeyer/Disher: Whoa...

[Jack and Adrian's truck is careening down the hill, out of control.]
Jack Monk: I gotta say something: I'm sorry! I'm sorry I wasn't there for you and Ambrose! I'm so sorry! Oh, I'm a bad father! That's all that matters!
Adrian Monk: You're not a bad father, look at Jack, Jr.!
Jack Monk: He's a putz!
Adrian Monk: What?
Jack Monk: Actually, he's not even a putz! He dreams one day of becoming a putz! He lives downstairs in my basement, he smokes pot all day long, he steals money from my wallet!
Adrian Monk: He's not a doctor?
Jack Monk: No, I made it all up! I lied! I wanted to have a son I could be proud of! I didn't know I had one in San Francisco.

Mr. Monk and the Leper [5.10]

Monk: You know the old saying, "There's no heart so black as the black, black heart of the phony leper."

Monk: He's not even a real leper!
Julie: Is he a leper-con?
Monk: What?
Julie: [Giggles] Is he magically delicious?

Natalie: Julie, fill the bath tub with listerine!

[Julie is taking some french fries out of the oven]
Monk: No! Your mom said no junk food. I'm supposed to be babysitting you.
Julie: Mom said I was supposed to be watching you!
Monk: You are mistaken.
Julie: Are you getting paid?
Monk: Of course I am.
Julie: How much?
Monk: I think that is between me and your mother. Are you?
Julie: Eight-fifty an hour.
Monk: An hour? [Pause] I guess you're the boss.

[Monk is STILL scrubbing his hands the next morning]
Natalie: Mr. Monk! All you did was shake the man's hand!
Monk: You're right. This isn't enough.
Natalie: You've been washing your hands for six hours!
Monk: [Takes out a can of kerosene, pours it all over his hand, and throws Natalie a lighter] Light me. Light me on fire.

Mr. Monk Makes a Friend [5.11]

Julie: [Referring to Monk's new friend, Hal] I like him.
Natalie: Me, too. I wonder what he's up to.

Mr. Monk Is At Your Service [5.12]

[Monk is seen rearranging the table setting for the party in five days, with all the maids standing around him]
Monk: This one's crooked.
Maid: [hesitantly] It's two-thirty in the morning! The party isn't until Thursday!

Mr. Monk is On the Air [5.13]

[Monk lost control and attacked a shock radio host while on the air. Stottlemeyer and Disher were listening.]
Stottlemeyer: I was thinking, Number One, it sounded like you got a few good shots in, I was proud of you; and Number Two, he sounded scared. Scared and guilty.

Mr. Monk Visits a Farm [5.14]

[Monk is seen getting off the bus.]
Monk: [talking to the driver] Thank you for letting me keep my bags with me. [pause] Is this where I get the bus to go back?
Driver: NO! [quickly shuts door and speeds off]

Disher: Unless I'm wrong... which I probably am...

Monk: [referring to the farm] Look at all this dirt!

Sheriff Margie Butterfield: Loosen up! What are you afraid of?
Monk: Well... pretty long list.

Mr. Monk and the Really, Really Dead Guy [5.15]

Monk: It's enough to make me LOL... out loud.

[Julie is seen teaching Monk about computers.]
Julie: Okay, Mr. Monk, this is called a mouse.
Monk: I know that, I haven't been living in a cave.
Julie: And this is a mouse pad...
Monk: Wow! It is so smooth!

Mr. Monk Goes to the Hospital [5.16]

[A man is being pushed in on a stretcher, with bandages on his head]
Receptionist: He has a head wound.
Monk: I have a head wound!
Receptionist: That is not a head wound, it's a nosebleed.
Monk: I happen to believe this very well might be a head wound.

Season 6

Mr. Monk and His Biggest Fan [6.1]

[Natalie tries to convince Monk to take place in an SFPD bachelor auction.]
Natalie: Don't you want to be a team player?
Monk: No.
Natalie: Don't you want to appear to be a team player?
Monk: Sure.

[Marci plays with dolls representing herself and Monk in a diorama of one of Monk's past cases.]
Marci: "Adrian. Should we call the Captain?" "Not yet, Marci. We need to gather more evidence. Natalie, get the car."
[Marci picks up a small yellow-haired doll and throws it across the diorama.]
Marci: [in falsetto] "On my way, Mr. Monk."
Natalie: Is that me? [Picks up the doll.] It's a troll doll.
Marci: Huh.

Marci: What do you think, Adrian?
Monk: I stopped thinking an hour and a half ago.

Monk: It's possible - there's a chance - she's not crazy. I mean, she's crazy, but she might not be wrong.
[Marci trots towards him with her arms spread.]
Monk: [shrinking away] Clue hug?
Natalie: Take it like a man.

[Marci's dead dog is being framed for a murder]
Marci: You're the detective, you figure it out! You do it all the time. The police have a theory and they think it's cut-and-dried, and then you come in and do your thing, like in "Mr. Monk and the Astronaut" or "Mr. Monk Goes Back to School" - oh, you remember that one?
Monk: No! Where are you getting these names?

Natalie: Marci, the police say the bite marks match up...
Marci: Yeah well, they're wrong! They make mistakes, you know? Maybe it was, I don't know, a frame-up.
Natalie: [giggles] They framed your dog?
Marci: [giggles sarcastically] Yeah, maybe they did frame my dog, Natalie! It's not totally unprecedented. What about "Mr. Monk and the Panic Room"? They tried to frame a monkey! See, things aren't always as they seem.
Monk: That's true...

Natalie: After all, you're only human.
Monk: There's no need for name-calling.

Mr. Monk and the Rapper [6.2]

Monk: What's up, killa?

Murderess: What is this, good cop, demented cop?

Monk: Let me give you the 4-1-1—that's the information.

Mr. Monk and the Naked Man [6.3]

Magneri: He threatened me once – at a zoning meeting. Hit me with a microphone.
Monk: He’s a nudist! That's what they do, they... they hit people with microphones.

Arlene: You don't have any...
Natalie: Proof? We found this. It was behind the toilet.
Monk: [grimaces] Behind your toilet!

Mr. Monk and the Bad Girlfriend [6.4]

Natalie: Randy, what we're about to tell you is absolutely confidential; you cannot repeat it to anybody.
Disher: Are you in love with me?
Natalie: What? No!

Mr. Monk and the Birds and the Bees [6.5]

Monk: Why would he wipe his feet?
Disher: You wiped your feet.
Monk: But I'm me, that doesn't count.

[Natalie is begging Monk to give Julie "the talk"]
Monk: When it comes to this particular issue, I am probably the least qualified person in North America...
Natalie: That's what makes you perfect! You waited for Trudy, you were faithful, you respected her! You're a wonderful role model.
Monk: Huh?
Natalie: this particular case.

[Monk is giving Julie "the talk"]
Julie: How do you know if what you're feeling is real?
Monk: I used to wonder the same thing. And when I met Trudy, I said to myself, "now I see. Now I see why I'm here."
Julie: Was it wonderful?
Monk: Yes. I loved falling in love with her. Every morning of every day, I fell in love with her again. I think what your mother has been trying to tell you is, don't worry. All your dreams will come true. But they don't have to come true this weekend, right? You can take your time. You can wait...
Julie: Until I find Trudy?
Monk: Just wait for Trudy. Believe in Trudy. Trudy will come.

Natalie: Tim, I've been waiting a long time to say this: Here's what happened...

Mr. Monk and the Buried Treasure [6.6]

[One of Troy Kroger's teenaged friends is admiring Natalie]
Ridley: How old do you think she is?
Troy: 34, maybe?
Ridley: That's twice my age.
Pez: So, when you're 60, she'll be 120!
[Both Troy and Ridley stare at Pez.]

Mr. Monk and the Daredevil [6.7]

Mr. Monk and the Wrong Man [6.8]

Mr. Monk Is Up All Night [6.9]

Mr. Monk and the Man Who Shot Santa Claus [6.10]

Monk: Oh, I hate Christmas.
Julie: How can you not like Christmas?
Monk: Well, you wouldn't like it either, if you hated it as much as I did.
Julie: But it's so joyful!
Monk: Don't get me started on joy. When you're older you'll understand. Joy is a trick, a diversion. It doesn't last forever. It breaks your heart every time. [honks the horn and yells out the window] DAMN JOY!

Monk: Mr. Kringle, are you on drugs?!?

Monk: [referring to why Santa Claus did not leave fingerprints] He was wearing gloves! Santa Claus gloves!

Monk: [trying to tell his side of the story] I can be as offensive as your father.
Natalie: I'm sure you can.

Dr. Kroger: So, before Trudy, what was Christmas like for you?
Monk: Bleak... depressing... the pain was unrelenting, thank you for asking.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, they can't all have been that bad.
Monk: Pick a year.
Dr. Kroger: Uh... 1964.
Monk: 1964, good choice. 1964... Mom was sick. Dad was... Dad was Dad. Ambrose locked himself in the basement, he's no fool. That Christmas I got one present - a walkie talkie.
Dr. Kroger: [being positive] Well, those can be fun. I had a pair of walkie talkies once...
Monk: Not a pair. One walkie talkie. Dad said I only needed one because I had no friends.

Mr. Monk Joins a Cult [6.11]

Stottlemeyer: She became a member of the world's oldest profession.
Monk: Stone mason, huh?
Stottlemeyer: No. Prostitute.

Monk: We sure showed him.
Natalie: Yeah, we did.
Monk: Oh, God! Did you remember to cancel that check?
Natalie: Yes.
Monk: We sure showed him.
Natalie: Yeah, we did.

Randy: [holding the Siblings of the Sun book] Monk, have you even read this thing?
Monk: Have you?
[Dr Kroger enters to find Randy shirtless and singing the cult's song with Monk.]

Monk: [about Father] I love him. He taught me what love really means.
Dr. Kroger: You used to say that about Trudy, Adrian. What do you think she'd say if she were here?

Mr. Monk Goes to the Bank [6.12]

[Monk is sitting on the floor in a locked bank vault.]
Monk: I'm gonna die, right here.
Natalie: No, you are not!
Monk: You're right. [stands up and points] I'm gonna die over here. I call this spot. The rest of you can die over there.
Stottlemeyer: That's it. Monk is no longer the morale officer.

Mr. Monk and the Three Julies [6.13]

Monk: At least I never dug Trudy up and had her stuffed and mounted, right?
Dr. Kroger: Yes, and I've always been very proud of you for that.

Natalie: Randy, I need to ask a favor...
Disher: The answer is yes.
Natalie: I need a gun.
Disher: The answer is no.

[about Randy dressing in drag to impersonate the suspect's elderly mother]
Surveillance Cop: This is a new low.
Stottlemeyer: Actually it's not a new low; that's the sad part.

Disher: What if he has a knife?
Stottlemeyer: He's right. We need a code, a phrase, in case he's in trouble...
Disher: Uh, how about, "Mother of God, he has a knife!"

Julie: You were a child once, right?
Monk: Very briefly.

Mr. Monk Paints his Masterpiece [6.14]

[Monk is painting in Natalie's living room, with all her furniture and stuff gone.]
Natalie: Mr. Monk, where is my stuff?
Monk: Outside.
Natalie: What if it rains?
Monk: Then it'll get wet!
Natalie: Mr. Monk, explain to me why my curtains are gone.
Monk: I needed the light! The eastern light!

Natalie: I did some research on your art friend, Mr. Monk, and nothing came up.
Monk: But he's... rich! Rich people are ungooglable!

Mr. Monk is on the Run, Part 1 [6.15]

Monk's Lawyer: I would also like to point out that, even if he wanted to flee, my client doesn't drive. He also has an obsessive fear of airplanes... and boats... and trucks... and trains.

Judge: Bail is set at $900,000.
[Monk whispers to his lawyer]
Monk's Lawyer: Uh... with the Court's permission, could you make it an even million?
Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God!

Monk: He broke into my house before the shooting...
Stottlemeyer: And raided your refrigerator?

Mr. Monk is on the Run, Part 2 [6.16]

Monk: Hey, thanks. Thanks for killing me.
Stottlemeyer: Hey, that's what friends are for.

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: [to his manicurist] I've been dreaming about you. Have you ever dreamed about me?
Manicurist: Sometimes.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I wonder if we've been having the same dream?
Manicurist: I doubt it.

Natalie: He kept saying that, he kept talking about trading places with you. He thinks he's getting out.
Monk: Well, if he's planning on squeezing through the bars, he's got 400 pounds to go.

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Are you having fun?
Monk: No... but it's as close as I'm ever gonna get.

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: It's true, Adrian Monk! I'm in prison! But you're in a worse prison! You're trapped! Trapped by your own demons! You're in your own private hell! I wouldn't trade places with you for a billion dollars! I mean, another billion dollars!
[Monk and Natalie walk away]
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: You hear me?! Come back here! I'm-not-done!
Monk: Oh, yes you are.

Season 7

Mr. Monk Buys a House [7.01]

[In the waiting room of Monk's new therapist]
Natalie: Oh, look! His first name is Neven: N-e-v-e-n. It's a palindrome. That's a good sign!
Monk: It's not a perfect palindrome. The first N is capitalized.
Natalie: Dr. Kroger's name was Charles. That wasn't a palindrome.
Monk: It was to me!

[Jake the repairman is inspecting Monk's new house]
"Honest" Jake: This is a fire trap. OK, we're gonna have to run a new line to here. We're gonna have to go through that wall, feed it up over here...
Monk: W-w-wait, wait. I love that wall. That's... that's my third favorite wall.

"Honest Jake": [holding a gun] I've got something to confess... I'm not so honest.

Monk: You didn't know me before I met Dr Kroger. I-I was a little messed up.

Mr. Monk and the Genius [7.02]

Patrick Clauster: Congratulations, Mr. Monk. You play a brilliant end game.
Monk: You know, I'm tired of all these chess metaphors, Patrick. These were two real people, not chess pieces. I think they deserve a little more respect. [starts to walk away, then turns back] Although if you insist, checkmate.

Mr. Monk Gets Lotto Fever [7.03]

Mr. Monk Takes a Punch [7.04]

Ray Regis: Adrian Monk, the detective? He's supposed to be the best.
Disher: The best of the best. Kind of like a superhero.
Stottlemeyer: [chuckles] He's good, but I wouldn't call him a superhero.
[Monk enters, wearing his purple jogging suit and headband, and stands with his fists on his hips]
Stottlemeyer: I guess I stand corrected.

Stottlemeyer: Monk, you're not going on welfare. If you go on welfare, I will shoot you.
Monk: Good. I'll get more money, won't I?

[The police have just arrested MacGraw for attempted murder to protect his collection of stolen art]
Disher: You should have just kept it all in the basement.
Daniel MacGraw: It's fine art, Lieutenant, it's meant to be savored. I never imagined my bride would invite a TV crew into my house while I was out of the country.
Stottlemeyer: So you didn't tell her it was stolen?
Daniel MacGraw: In hindsight, maybe that's something I should have mentioned.

Mr. Monk: I am the beast!

Mr. Monk is Underwater [7.05]

Monk: We're going down! I mean, down more.

Monk: Nobody's shaking hands, everybody's saluting! Maybe I should enlist.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, please don't enlist. Don't even joke about it.
Monk: Why not?
Natalie: Because I love America.

Monk: I'm pretty sure he killed himself.
Natalie: How'd you know?
Monk: I've been on board for fifteen seconds and I'm suicidal.

Monk: Oh God, Natalie, I've got ocean... in my pants!

Mr. Monk Falls in Love [7.06]

Mr. Monk's 100th Case [7.07]

[about Monk]
Randy Disher: Uh, yeah, he has some idiosyncrasies...
James Novak: Like what?
Disher: Uh, fear of heights, fear of germs, spiders, milk...
Natalie: Crowds, elevators, fire...
Disher: Rabbits, tunnels, bridges...
Natalie: Boats...
Disher: Decaffinated coffee...
Natalie: Lightning...
Stottlemeyer: The wind, he's afraid of the wind.
Disher: Egg whites.
Natalie: Bad.
Disher: Naked people. That one is way up there. I think it goes naked people, and then death.

James Novak: [about Trudy's murder] You didn't leave your house for nearly three years. Your psychiatrist said you'd never work again. Yet here you are, a hundred cases later. What keeps you going?
[long pause]
Monk: I can't die until I know.

Ralph "Father" Roberts: Do I remember Adrian Monk? That's like asking the Titanic if it remembers the iceberg.

Mr. Monk Gets Hypnotized [7.08]

Mr. Monk and the Miracle [7.09]

Mr. Monk's Other Brother [7.10]

[Monk has caught an escaped convict hiding in his apartment. Unable to get his pistol lockbox open in time, he just hits the convict over the head with it, and grabs the phone with his other hand.]
Adrian Monk: Don't move! There's a gun in here! Take my word for it.
"Joe Endicott": Adrian, wait! Who are you calling?
Monk: Who do you think?
Joe: No, wait! You don't want to do that!
Monk: I don't, huh?
Joe: No, come on! Put the phone down, and-and the "gun"!
Monk: Give me one good reason.
Jack Monk, Jr.: I'M YOUR BROTHER!

Stottlemeyer: Are you crying?
Jack Monk, Jr.: Yeah, a little. I mean, how would you feel if your pen pal thought you were a prowler?

Mr. Monk On Wheels [7.11]

Monk: It's a square tomato! You're doing the Lord's work!

[Monk is using one of the lab's square tomatoes for a sandwich]
Monk: [in bliss] I can taste the symmetry!

Mr. Monk And The Lady Next Door [7.12]

Mr. Monk Makes The Playoffs [7.13]

Mr. Monk And The Bully [7.14]

Mr. Monk And The Magician [7.15]

Mr. Monk Fights City Hall [7.16]

Season 8

Mr. Monk's Favorite Show [8.1]

Assistant: It's $1000 per week.
Monk: Okay, but I can't pay it all at once.

Mr. Monk and the Foreign Man [8.2]

Samuel Waingaya: Can you reach into my pants?
[Long pause]
Monk: Yes...

Mr. Monk and the UFO [8.3]

Monk: [lost in the desert] You win, dirt. Congratulations, dirt! Well played!

Mr. Monk is Someone Else [8.4]

[While Monk is masquerading as a mob hit man]
Harold Krenshaw: Adrian! Adrian!
Monk: Do I look like an Adrian to you?

Mr. Monk Takes the Stand [8.5]

Mr. Monk and the Critic [8.6]

[Monk sees the immaculately clean men's room at the theater, complete with attendant.]
Monk: This is the men's room?
Mr. Gilson: Mmm-hmm.
Monk: How long has this been going on?

Monk: I just went to the bathroom.
Natalie: [astonished] What, here? Wow! Congratulations, Mr. Monk, I'm proud of you. How was it?
Monk: It was magical.

Natalie: He did it! I don't know how he did it, but he did it.
Disher: [points to Monk] That's what he always says.

Mr. Monk and the Voodoo Curse [8.7]

Stottlemeyer: So you're the level-headed brave one now?

Monk: We live in the real world. It is governed by science, physics, laws of nature. There is always, always a non-Voodoo explanation for everything.

Mr. Monk Goes to Group Therapy [8.8]

Disher: He's killing people according to their phobias. This guy was afraid of heights, so he pushed him off the roof.
Monk: Augie wasn't afraid of heights. He was afraid of spiders.
Disher: That's different. He's killing people using the opposite of their phobias. The opposite killer.
Stottlemeyer: So you're saying the opposite of a spider is a tall building?

Disher: It's him. The Opposite Killer. That's his M.O.
Stottlemeyer: There is no Opposite Killer! If there was, you would have been killed by a falling rocket scientist years ago!

Harold Krenshaw: Here's what happened...

Happy Birthday, Mr. Monk [8.9]

Voice: Hands up! Any final words?
Natalie: Yes, I have something I wanna say. Happy birthday, Mr. Monk!

Mr. Monk and Sharona [8.10]

Mr. Monk Goes Camping [8.11]

Natalie: It's not too late to back out.
Monk: Oh no, I am doing this, I am playing the game.
Natalie: Well, at least try to have some fun.
Monk: Natalie, it's a game; it's not supposed to be fun.

Mr. Monk and the Dog [8.12]

[At Natalie's family reunion picnic.]
Anne Marie: Are you my uncle?
Adrian Monk: No, no. I'm your Aunt Natalie's boss.
Anne Marie: Really? Do you know her other boss? The crazy one?
Adrian Monk: ...Yes. I've met him once or twice.

Mr. Monk Is the Best Man [8.13]

Stottlemeyer: Whoever this guy is, he's ruining my life.
Disher: Well, that's supposed to be my job.
Stottlemeyer: Exactly.

[Joy, a bubbly flower shop owner, matches Natalie and Randy with their "floral soulmates," then turns to Monk and matches him with a cactus]
Joy: I found it. This... is your flower.
Natalie: It's plastic.
Joy: Mmm-hmm.
[Monk takes a sniff of the "flower."]
Monk: I love it.

[Stottlemeyer's fiancee has called off the wedding.]
Stottlemeyer: Monk... it's over.
Monk: Well, I'm not giving up! It's going to work out! You love her, you need her. She's your answer.
Stottlemeyer: She's my answer... where did you hear that?
Monk: Trudy used to say it... my Trudy.

Mr. Monk and the Badge [8.14]

Mr. Monk and the End (Part One) [8.15]

Trudy Monk: It won't be much longer...

Doctor: [to Monk] Someone is trying to kill you. And they may have succeeded.

Judge: His name is Adrian Monk. He'll put two and two together eventually and this case, two and two equals me. It would get rather personal. He'd come after me, try to kill me. He'd probably succeed. Because... twelve years ago, I killed his wife.

Mr. Monk and the End (Part Two) [8.16]

Trudy Monk: Unless I'm wrong, which I probably am...

Trudy Monk: [on a farewell message] If anything happens to me, Adrian, I just want you to know: you are not just the love of my life. You are my life.

Ethan Rickover: You're going to kill a federal judge?
Monk: Tonight, I'm the judge.

Molly Evans: I am in your life. I'm not going anywhere.

[last lines of the series]
Natalie: What are you doing?
Monk: Just checking to make sure the stove is off.
Natalie: Good thinking. You wouldn't want to go all the way across town with your stove on.
Monk: I know. That actually happened to me a few years ago...

Recurring quotes

Monk: It's a gift... and a curse.
Monk: You'll thank me later.
Monk: Unless I'm wrong, which, you know, I'm not...
Monk: Wipe.
Monk: I don't know how he did it. But he did it.
Monk: I just solved the case.
Monk: He's the guy.
Monk: I know how he did it.
Monk: Here's the thing...
Monk: Here's what happened...
Monk: That's what this whole thing has been about.
Monk: That doesn't make much sense. Hardly any, in fact.
Monk: We've been looking at this all wrong.
Monk: What are the odds of that?
Various characters: You can't prove any of this.


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Definition from Wiktionary, a free dictionary

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Old English munuc < Latin monachus < Ancient Greek μοναχός (monachos), single, solitary) < μόνος (monos), alone)





monk (plural monks)

  1. A male member of a monastic order who has devoted his life for religious service.
  2. (slang) A male who leads an isolated life; a loner, a hermit.
  3. (slang) An unmarried man who does not have sexual relationships.
  4. (slang) A judge.


Related terms


The translations below need to be checked and inserted above into the appropriate translation tables, removing any numbers. Numbers do not necessarily match those in definitions. See instructions at Help:How to check translations.

See also

Bible wiki

Up to date as of January 23, 2010

From BibleWiki

A monk may be conveniently defined as a member of a community of men, leading a more or less contemplative life apart from the world, under the vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience, according to a rule characteristic of the particular order to which he belongs. The word monk is not itself a term commonly used in the official language of the Church. It is a popular rather than a scientific designation, but is at the same time very ancient, so much so that its origin cannot be precisely determined. So far as regards the English form of the word, that undoubtedly comes from the Angle-Saxon munuc, which has in turn arisen from the Latin monachus, a mere transliteration of the Greek monachos. This Greek form is commonly believed to be connected with monos, lonely or single, and is suggestive of a life of solitude; but we cannot lose sight of the fact that the word mone, from a different root, seems to have been freely used, e.g. by Palladius, as well as monasterion, in the sense of a religious house (see Butler, "Palladius's Lausiac History" passim). Be this as it may, the Fathers of the fourth century are by no means agreed as to the etymological significance of monachus. St Jerome writes to Heliodorus (P.L., XXII, 350), "Interpret the name monk, it is thine own; what business hast thou in a crowd, thou who art solitary?" St. Augustine on the other hand fastens on the idea of unity (monas) and in his exposition of Ps. cxxxii, extols the appropriateness of the words "Ecce quam bonum et quam jucundum habitare fratres in unum" when chanted in a monastery, because those who are monks should have but one heart and one soul (P.L., XXXVII, 1733). Cassian (P.L., XLIX, 1097) and Pseudo-Dionysius (De Eccl. Hier., vi) seem to have thought monks were so called because they were celibate.

In any case the fact remains that the word monachus in the fourth century was freely used of those consecrated to God, whether they lived as hermits or in communities. So again St. Benedict a little later (c. 535) states at the beginning of his rule that there are four kinds of monks (monachi):

  • cenobites who live together under a rule or an abbot,
  • anchorites or hermits, who after long training in the discipline of a community, go forth to lead a life of solitude (and of both of these classed he approves; but also
  • "sarabites" and
  • "girovagi" (wandering monks), whom he strongly condemns as men whose religious life is but a pretence, and who do their own without the restraint of obedience. It is probably due to the fact that the Rule of St. Benedict so constantly describes the brethren as monachi and their residence as monaslerium, that a tradition has arisen according to which these terms in Latin and English (though not so uniformly in the case of the corresponding German and French works) are commonly applied only to those religious bodies which in some measure reproduce the conditions of life contemplated in the old Benedictine Rule. The mendicant friars, e.g. the Dominicans, Franciscans, Carmelites, etc., though they live in community and chant the Divine Office in choir, are not correctly described as monks. Their work of preaching, mixing with their fellow men in the world, soliciting alms, and moving from place to place, is inconsistent with the monastic ideal. The same is to be said of the "clerks regular", like the Jesuits, in whose rule the work of the apostolate is regarded as so important that it is considered incompatible with the obligation of singing office in choir. Again members of the religious congregations of men, which take simple but not solemn vows, are not usually designated as monks. On the other hand it should be noted that in former days a monk, even though he sang office in choir, was not necessarily a priest, the custom in this respect having changed a good deal since medieval times. Besides the Benedictines with their various modifications and offshoots, i.e. the Cluniacs, Cistercians, Trappists etc., the best known orders of monks are the Carthusians, the Premonstratensians, and the Camaldolese. The honorary prefix Dom, and abbreviation of Dominus is given to Benedictines and Carthusians.
Portions of this entry are taken from The Catholic Encyclopedia, 1907.
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Simple English

A monk is a man who devoted part or all of his life to a religion. The word comes from Ancient Greek, and can be translated as solitary. In Greek, the word can be used for men and women alike, but in English,a woman who does the same is called a nun. Monks practice asceticism. They either live alone, or together with other monks who share the same ideals. Monks can be found in different religions, most often in Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Jainism and Taoism.

The monks who live on their own are usually called hermits, those living with other monks do so in monasteries. Nuns living together do so in a convent.

Some laws monks might choose to obey:

  1. Poverty: the monk cannot own anything.
  2. Chastity: the monk cannot have sex or a sexual relationship and cannot start a family or get married.
  3. Solitude: the monk should always be alone.
  4. Silence: the monk shall not speak unless it is necessary.
  5. Generosity: the monk should always help other people.
  6. Stillness: the monk cannot travel far unless it is necessary. Sometimes this means that the monk must be cloistered which means that they must not leave their monastery (especially Warsa period). Sometimes they can be allowed to leave, but must not go very far.
  7. Duty: The monk must do some things every day. For example the monk must pray or meditate and must do some work.


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