The Full Wiki

More info on Monk (TV series)

Monk (TV series): Wikis


Note: Many of our articles have direct quotes from sources you can cite, within the Wikipedia article! This article doesn't yet, but we're working on it! See more info or our list of citable articles.


From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Monk title card.png
Monk title card (seasons two through eight)
Format Police procedural / Comedy-drama
Created by Andy Breckman
Starring Tony Shalhoub
Ted Levine
Jason Gray-Stanford
Bitty Schram (seasons 1–3)
Traylor Howard (seasons 3–8)
Opening theme Instrumental theme by Jeff Beal (season 1)
"It's a Jungle out There" by Randy Newman (seasons 2–8)
Ending theme Instrumental theme by Jeff Beal (season 1)
"It's a Jungle out There" (instrumental) (seasons 2–8)
Country of origin United States
Language(s) English
No. of seasons 8
No. of episodes 125 (List of episodes)
Executive producer(s) Andy Breckman
David Hoberman (entire run)
Tony Shalhoub (seasons 4–8)
Tom Scharpling (seasons 5–8)
Rob Thompson (seasons 6–8)
Camera setup Film; Single-camera
Running time 40–45 minutes without commercials,
(approx.) 1 hour with commercials
Production company(s) Touchstone Television
Mandeville Films
Universal Cable Productions
Universal Network Television (seasons 1–2)
NBC Universal Television Studio (seasons 3–6)
Universal Media Studios (seasons 7–8)
Original channel USA Network
Picture format 480i (SDTV),
1080i (HDTV)
Original run July 12, 2002 – December 4, 2009
Status Ended

Monk is an American police procedural comedy-drama, created by Andy Breckman and starring Tony Shalhoub as the titular Adrian Monk. It is primarily a mystery series that also involved some dark atmosphere, although the show also features broad comic touches. It is unusual for shows of this genre because its principal character, Monk, accompanied by his astute brilliance at solving crimes, is beset by a range of psychiatric disorders exacerbated by severe trauma from the death of his wife, the peculiarities of which largely define his character-role in the series.

The show debuted on July 12, 2002, on the USA Network. It was well received and is viewed as one of the reasons that led USA Network's increasing popularity. Its eighth and final season concluded on December 4, 2009. The series currently holds the record for the most-watched scripted drama episode in cable television history, a record previously held by The Closer. Monk set the record with Mr. Monk and the End – Part II, its series finale, with 9.4 million viewers; 3.2 million of them in the 18–49 demographic.[1]



Adrian Monk was a brilliant detective for the San Francisco Police Department until his wife, Trudy, was killed by a car bomb in a parking garage, which Monk then believed was intended for him. Trudy's death led Monk to suffer a nervous breakdown. He was discharged from the force and became a recluse, refusing to leave his house for over three years. He was finally able to leave the house with the help of his nurse, Sharona Fleming (Bitty Schram). The breakthrough allowed him to work as a private detective and a consultant for the homicide unit despite retaining limitations rooted in his obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD), which had grown significantly worse after the tragedy.

Monk's compulsive habits are numerous, and a number of phobias compound his situation, such as his fear of germs. Monk has 312 fears, some of which are milk, ladybugs, harmonicas, heights, imperfection and risk. The OCD and plethora of phobias inevitably lead to very awkward situations and cause problems for Monk and anyone around him, as he investigates cases. These same personal struggles, particularly the OCD, are what aid him in solving cases such as his sharp memory, specific mindset and attention to detail. In one episode entitled "Mr. Monk and His Biggest Fan", Marci Maven (Sarah Silverman) had compiled a list of all of Adrian's fears and had put icons on her desktop of them. On another episode, he tried to conquer his fears by doing various activities which involved his phobias. For example, he tried drinking milk, climbing a ladder, putting a ladybug on his hand, and when things were scattered unorganized across a table, he could not help the compulsion to arrange them neatly.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer (Ted Levine) and Lieutenant Randall "Randy" Disher (Jason Gray-Stanford) call on Monk when they have trouble with an investigation. Stottlemeyer is often irritated by Monk's disorder, but respects his friend and former colleague's amazing observational abilities, as does Disher. Ever since childhood, Monk's obsessive attention to detail allowed him to spot tiny discrepancies, find patterns, and make connections that others often fail to make. Monk continues to search for information about his wife's death, the one case that he has been unable to solve, and eventually closes it in the series finale.

Sharona decided to re-marry her ex-husband and move back to New Jersey, and Natalie Teeger (Traylor Howard) was hired as Monk's new assistant; a widow and mother of an eleven-year-old daughter (now 17). Monk has a brother Ambrose (John Turturro), and a half-brother, Jack, Jr. (Steve Zahn), whose existence Monk discovered in the fifth season.[2] He later met Jack, Jr. in season seven, in Mr. Monk's Other Brother.


Main characters

Name Occupation Portrayed By Seasons
Adrian Monk Private Consultant Tony Shalhoub 1–8
Natalie Teeger Monk's second assistant Traylor Howard 3–8
Sharona Fleming Monk's first assistant/nurse Bitty Schram 1–3, 8
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer SFPD captain: Robbery, Homicide Ted Levine 1–8
Lieutenant Randy Disher SFPD lieutenant: Robbery, Homicide Jason Gray-Stanford 1–8
Jason Gray-Stanford, Traylor Howard and Tony Shalhoub sign autographs at Edwards Air Force Base after the filming of the episode "Mr. Monk and the Astronaut".

Character Natalie Teeger made her entrance into the show partway through the third season when actress Bitty Schram, who played Monk's nurse Sharona Fleming, left "precipitous[ly]", reportedly over a contract dispute. The new actress, Traylor Howard, had not yet seen the show and was unenthusiastic about her manager's urgings to audition for Sharona's replacement. She nevertheless tried out and got the part. Despite her initial "cool" reception from fans, show co-creator Andy Breckman believes Howard quickly and successfully filled the void. "I will always be grateful to Traylor because she came in when the show was in crisis and saved our baby [....] We had to make a hurried replacement, and not every show survives that. I was scared to death."[3]

Bitty Schram returned as a special guest star during the 8th and final season on October 23, 2009 in Mr. Monk and Sharona (8.10), in order to give closure to her character, who departed from the show abruptly in season three after re-marrying her ex-husband and moving back to New Jersey. In this episode, Sharona confirms that she and her ex-husband, Trevor, are now separated for good and in the end, she actually falls for Randy, who obviously likes her enough to kiss her and drive her to the airport to head back to New Jersey. Sharona does tell Monk, however, that she will be coming back to San Francisco a few weeks later to handle her law suit against the country club where she broke her arm after solving a stressful case involving the murder of her Uncle Howie with Monk and Natalie. Still, this was Sharona Fleming's final appearance on the show in person. In the series finale, Mr. Monk and the End, Part 2 (8.16), a picture of her was shown on the desk of Randy Disher, who got a new job as Summit, New Jersey Chief of Police. He mentions that he and Sharona found a place to live. Furthermore, in a montage of the series, she was shown numerous times.[4]

Secondary characters

  • Julie Teeger (Emmy Clarke) is the teenage daughter of Natalie Teeger. First appeared in Mr. Monk and the Red Herring (3.10).
  • Benjamin "Benjy" Fleming (Kane Ritchotte during pilot episode and second and third seasons, Max Morrow during first season) is Sharona's son. Last appearance was in season three episode Mr. Monk and the Employee of the Month (3.07), though he was mentioned several times in eighth and final season episode Mr. Monk and Sharona (8.10).
  • Dr. Charles Kroger (Stanley Kamel) was Adrian Monk's psychiatrist. Actor Stanley Kamel died of a heart attack on April 8, 2008, between production of seasons six and seven.[5] His character was said to have died of a heart attack as well when Monk restarted. His last appearance was in Mr. Monk Paints His Masterpiece (6.14).
  • Dr. Neven Bell (Héctor Elizondo) is Adrian Monk's new therapist. First appeared in Mr. Monk Buys a House (7.01).[6][7][8]
  • Trudy Anne Monk (Melora Hardin) is Monk's deceased wife. Her husband's attempt to solve her murder is the show's longest-running plot arc. She was played by Stellina Rusich in the first and second seasons. Lindy Newton plays Trudy in a college flashback in the Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion (5.06).
  • Kevin Dorfman (Jarrad Paul) was an accountant and the upstairs neighbor of Monk. First appeared in Mr. Monk and the Paperboy (2.10). Dorfman was murdered in Mr. Monk and the Magician (7.15).
  • Harold J. Krenshaw (Tim Bagley) is a formal-rival of Adrian and another patient of Dr. Kroger with whom Monk supports constant disputes for his incompatible obsessions. Harold constantly tried to discover the identity of Monk's new therapist (Dr. Bell). However, he did uncover his name in Mr. Monk Fights City Hall (7.16). In the episode Mr. Monk Goes to Group Therapy (8.08), Harold and Monk finally become friends by conquering claustrophobia together. Harold generously leaves the group at the end of the episode so that Monk can share private therapy with Dr. Bell. Harold first appeared in Mr. Monk and the Girl Who Cried Wolf (3.06).
  • Ambrose Monk (John Turturro) is the agoraphobic brother of Adrian Monk. Seems to be based on Mycroft Holmes (smarter brother of Sherlock) First appeared in Mr. Monk and the Three Pies (2.11).
  • Jack Monk (Dan Hedaya) is the father of Adrian and Ambrose, abandoned the family when Adrian and Ambrose were young (left for Chinese food and never came back) and started another family. Appeared in Mr. Monk Meets His Dad (5.09).
  • Jack Monk Jr. (Steve Zahn) is the the other son of Jack Monk, Adrian's half brother and a known convict. Appeared in Mr. Monk's Other Brother (7.10).
  • Dale "the Whale" Biederbeck (Adam Arkin, Tim Curry, and Ray Porter) is Adrian Monk's archenemy and most hated rival. A wealthy and morbidly obese financier whom Adrian blames for ruining the remainder of Trudy's life. Just as Adrian Monk is compared to Sherlock Holmes, it's possible that Dale Biederbeck (the "Genghis Khan of World Finance") is compared to Professor Moriarty (the Napoleon of Crime). First appeared in Mr. Monk Meets Dale the Whale (1.03), at the end of which Monk sends him to prison for a murder-for-hire. Biederbeck later appears funneling information to Monk about Trudy's murder in Mr. Monk Goes to Jail (2.16) and Mr. Monk Is On the Run (Part Two) (6.16). The character's story was never resolved.
  • Karen Stottlemeyer (Glenne Headly) was Stottlemeyer's wife from the beginning of the series until their divorce in Mr. Monk and the Captain's Marriage (4.12). It was later revealed in Mr. Monk is the Best Man (8.13) that she was actually his second wife. She is a filmmaker who specializes in documentaries. She first appeared in Mr. Monk and the Very, Very Old Man (2.05) and later in Mr. Monk and the Captain's Wife (2.14) (in which she was hit by a van), Mr. Monk Gets Fired (3.04), and Mr. Monk and the Captain's Marriage (4.12).
  • Linda Fusco (Sharon Lawrence) was Captain Stottlemeyer's girlfriend in season six. First appeared in Mr. Monk, Private Eye (5.05) and later in Mr. Monk and His Biggest Fan (6.01). She was proven by Monk to be a murderer in Mr. Monk and the Bad Girlfriend (6.04).
  • Trudy "T. K." Jensen Stottlemeyer (Virginia Madsen) is Captain Stottlemeyer's love interest from season eight onwards. First appeared in Happy Birthday, Mr. Monk (8.09) and marries Stottlemeyer in Mr. Monk is the Best Man (8.13) after a brief reconsideration. She made a brief cameo appearance in the series finale, Mr. Monk and the End (Part Two) (8.16).


Most episodes have titles in the form of "Mr. Monk and (a person or thing)" or "Mr. Monk (does something)", much like novels in a series about a starring detective. While solving a murder is the plot for most episodes, there are a few episodes in which Monk helps investigate other crimes, such as a kidnapping in the season two episode "Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny." In season seven, in the 100th episode, Mr. Monk solved his 100th (and 101st) case since his wife's death, a milestone in his career.

"Here's What Happened"

Most episodes feature a sequence in which Monk reveals how the crime was committed, almost always prefacing his explanation with the words "Here's what happened." Most of these sequences are featured near the end of the episode, but have been known to occur at the beginning. Some of these sequences are told in an unusual fashion, such as being told to a bear ("Mr. Monk Goes Camping"), in the form of a bedtime story ("Mr. Monk and the Kid"), being chanted during a ritual at a monastery ("Mr. Monk and the Miracle"), and being rapped out by Snoop Dogg ("Mr. Monk and the Rapper"). He said it two times, in flashback and present, in ("Mr. Monk and Little Monk") as himself and as young Monk.


According to an interview with executive producer David Hoberman,[9] ABC first conceived the series as a police show with an Inspector Clouseau-like character suffering from obsessive–compulsive disorder. Hoberman said ABC wanted Michael Richards for the show,[9] but Richards turned it down. Hoberman brought in Andy Breckman as creator, and Breckman, inspired by Sherlock Holmes, introduced a Doctor Watson-like character as Monk's nurse and an Inspector Lestrade-like character which eventually became Captain Stottlemeyer.

Although ABC originated the show, the network handed it off to the USA Network. USA is now owned by NBC (NBC Universal).[10] Monk was the first ABC Studios-produced show aired on USA Network instead of ABC. Although ABC initially refused Monk, they did air repeats of the show on ABC in the summer and fall of 2002, and then again in the spring of 2004. On January 12, 2006, USA Network announced that Monk had been picked up through at least season six as one of the "highest-rated series in cable history."[11] Season 5 premiered Friday, July 7, 2006, at 9:00 p.m. Eastern time. This marked the first time change for the program, which aired at 10:00 p.m. during its first four seasons. The change allowed the show to work as a lead-in to a new USA Network series, Psych, another offbeat detective program. Monk has followed a consistent format of airing half of its 16 episodes in mid-year and the second half early the following year, with the exception of the final season, which broadcast entirely between August and December 2009.

Previously aired episodes of Monk began airing on NBC Universal sibling network NBC April 6, 2008. NBC eyed the show because its block with Psych could be plugged into NBC's schedule intact. The shows are being used to increase the amount of scripted programming on the network as production of its own scripted programming ramp back up following the writers' strike.[12] Ratings for the broadcast debut were well below NBC averages for the time period. The show came in third behind Big Brother 9 on CBS and Oprah's Big Give on ABC.[13]


Although set in San Francisco and its area, Monk is for the most part shot elsewhere except for occasional exteriors featuring city landmarks. The pilot episode was shot in Vancouver, British Columbia, and the subsequent Season 1 episodes were shot in the Toronto, Ontario, area.[14] Most of the episodes in Seasons 2–6 were filmed in the Los Angeles, California, area, including on-stage at Ren-Mar Studios for seasons 2–5 and at Paramount Studios for season 6 (these include Adrian’s apartment, Stottlemeyer's precinct house, Dr. Kroger’s office and Natalie’s house).[15]

Many scenes in Season 4 were shot in San Francisco, in downtown Union Square and Chinatown (shown in "Mr. Monk Gets Jury Duty," as the police chase Escobar up Jackson Street).

Theme music

During the first season of Monk, the series used a jazzy instrumental intro to the show by songwriter Jeff Beal, performed by guitarist Grant Geissman.[16] The theme won the 2003 Emmy Award for Best Main Title Music.[17] When the second season began, the series had new theme music, a song entitled "It's a Jungle out There", by Randy Newman. Reaction to the new theme was mixed. A review of the second season of Monk in the New York Daily News included a wish that producers would revert to the original theme.[18] Shalhoub expressed his support for the new theme in USA Today, saying its "dark and mournful sound,...[its] tongue-in-cheek, darkly humorous side.... completely fits the tone of the show."[19] Newman was awarded the 2004 Emmy Award for Best Main Title Music for "It's a Jungle out There".[20] This debate was referenced in the episode "Mr. Monk and the TV Star", which features an actor who plays a detective in a TV show, and several characters mention an in-story controversy over the change of that show's theme music, including obsessed fan Marci Maven, played by Sarah Silverman. In the epilogue of the story, she implores Monk to promise her that he will never change the theme music if he ever gets his own show. When Monk agrees to the promise (only so he can go back to bed), the original music is heard as the scene fades to credits.

The original theme is heard in episode 8 of season 3 as Monk drives to Los Angeles with his neighbor and father-in-law. It is also heard in several other episodes as the show enters the credits and then kicks into the new theme's instrumental.

For the season 6 episode, "Mr. Monk and the Rapper," guest star Snoop Dogg performed a hip-hop version of "It's a Jungle out There," and he accompanied Monk with "Here's What Happened" in rap form.

The June 16, 2008, re-airing of the first episode featured a new credit sequence with the Newman theme.

Randy Newman also wrote a new song for the final episode entitled "When I'm Gone." The song was released on iTunes on December 1, 2009.


Monk is often referred to as a "former detective." In the eighth season episode, "Mr. Monk Takes the Stand," Jay Mohr's defense attorney character refers to Monk with the courtesy title, "Former Detective." And in the eighth season episode, "Mr. Monk and the Badge," Monk returns to the police force as "Detective First Class Adrian Monk." But the San Francisco Police Department is unique among big-city police departments in the United States in that it doesn't use the rank "Detective." Those SFPD officers who investigate crimes and perform tasks equivalent to detectives in other departments are given the title "Inspector." On "Monk," the inspector rank is never used, with detective being used instead.[citation needed]

Little Monk

USA Network premiered a 10-episode online series entitled "Little Monk" on August 22, 2009. It includes Adrian Monk and Ambrose Monk during their middle-school years, bringing a back story to Monk's detective skills and phobias. However, as they would have been middle schoolers in the late 1960s and early 1970s, viewers will see anachronisms; the various cars seen in the episodes do not belong to the time-period. Moreover, the fashion of all the seen characters does not fit the times.

Other media


The show's soundtrack features its original music score, composed by Jeff Beal.


A "behind the scenes" audio podcast entitled "Lunch at Monk" is available for download through the USA website.[21] In the podcast, cast and crew members of the show are interviewed over lunch.


Lee Goldberg has written several novels based on the show.[22] The novels are written in first-person narrative form, from the perspective of Mr. Monk's assistant Natalie. The first novel, Mr. Monk Goes to the Firehouse, was the basis for the fifth season episode "Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing."

Title Author ISBN Publication date
Mr. Monk Goes to the Firehouse Lee Goldberg 0-451-21729-2 January 3, 2006
Mr. Monk Goes to Hawaii 0-451-21900-7 July 5, 2006
Mr. Monk and the Blue Flu 0-451-22013-7 January 2, 2007
Mr. Monk and the Two Assistants 0-451-22097-8 July 3, 2007
Mr. Monk in Outer Space 0-451-22098-6 October 30, 2007
Mr. Monk Goes to Germany 0-451-22099-4 July 1, 2008
Mr. Monk is Miserable 0-451-22515-5 December 2, 2008
Mr. Monk and the Dirty Cop 0-451-22698-4 July 7, 2009
Mr. Monk in Trouble 0-451-22905-3 December 1, 2009
Mr. Monk is Cleaned Out 0-451-23009-4 July 6, 2010[23]
Mr. Monk Gets Even TBA TBA

DVD releases

Universal Studios Home Entertainment has released the first six seasons of Monk on DVD in Regions 1 and 2, and Seasons seven and eight in Region 1. The first five seasons have also been released in Region 4. Monk episodes from seasons 1–8 are also available on iTunes. All seasons are also available in HD format.[24] It should be noted that the Region 2 DVDs of seasons 1–3 are in the 4:3 aspect ratio.

Title Region 1 Region 2 Region 3 Region 4
Season One June 15, 2004[25] December 27, 2004 January 20, 2005 January 18, 2005
Season Two January 11, 2005[26] July 18, 2005 September 19, 2005 September 21, 2005
Season Three June 5, 2005[27] February 27, 2006 March 7, 2006 March 22, 2006
Season Four June 27, 2006[28] September 18, 2006 TBA November 15, 2006
Season Five June 26, 2007[29] September 17, 2007 TBA April 1, 2009
Season Six July 8, 2008[30] September 8, 2008  – February 3, 2010
Season Seven July 21, 2009[31] June 7, 2010[32] TBA 2009 TBA
Season Eight March 16, 2010[33] TBA 2010 TBA 2010 TBA
Seasons 1–4

(The Obsessive Compulsive Collection)

June 27, 2006[34] November 20, 2006
(R2 has different cover art)
  Not Released
Seasons 1–5 N/A October 22, 2007
(only available in R2)
  Not Released
Seasons 1–6   October 13, 2008   Not Released
The Best of Monk November 17, 2009[35]      
Complete Series       Not Released

Awards and nominations

Awards won

Emmy Awards:

  • Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series Tony Shalhoub (2003, 2005, 2006)
  • Outstanding Main Title Theme Music Jeff Beal (2003)
  • Outstanding Main Title Theme Music Randy Newman (2004)
  • Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy Series John Turturro (2004)
  • Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy Series Stanley Tucci (2007)

Golden Globe Awards:

  • Best Performance by an Leading Actor in a Television Series – Musical or Comedy Tony Shalhoub (2003)

Screen Actors Guild:

  • Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Comedy Series Tony Shalhoub (2004, 2005)

Award nominations

Emmy Awards:

  • Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series Tony Shalhoub (2003–2009) 7 nominations[36]
  • Outstanding Casting for a Comedy Series Anya Colloff, Amy McIntyre Britt, Meg Liberman, Camille H. Patton, Sandi Logan, Lonnie Hamerman (2004)
  • Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series for "Mr. Monk Takes His Medicine" Randall Zisk (2005)
  • Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series Laurie Metcalf (2006)
  • Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series Sarah Silverman (2008)
  • Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series Gena Rowlands (2009)[36]

Golden Globe Awards:

  • Best Television Series – Musical or Comedy (2004)
  • Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series – Musical or Comedy Tony Shalhoub (2003–2005, 2007, 2009) 5 nominations
  • Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series – Musical or Comedy Bitty Schram (2004)

Screen Actors Guild:

  • Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Comedy Series Tony Shalhoub (2003–2005, 2007–2008) 5 nominations


United States syndication

Since September 2008, reruns have been aired in broadcast syndication on various television stations in the United States, most of them NBC and MyNetworkTV affiliates. Since January 2010, USA Network has aired rerns on Thursday and Friday mornings from 6-10AM ET/PT.

International broadcasters

Region TV Network(s)
Arab World MBC 4
Asia STAR World
Latin America Universal Channel Hallmark Channel
Country Series Title in Country TV Network(s) Series Premiere
 Albania RTSH
 Argentina Hallmark Channel
 Australia Network Ten (original run)
and TV1 (re-runs)
Austria Austria Monk ORF 1
Belgium Belgium VTM
and La Une (French)
Bosnia and Herzegovina Bosnia and Herzegovina Monk FTV
Brazil Brazil Monk, um detetive diferente
(Monk, a different detective)
Rede Record
Hallmark Channel
Universal Channel
Bulgaria Bulgaria Монк (Monk) bTV
Diema 2
January 3, 2007
August 19, 2008
September 22, 2008
April 14, 2009
Canada Canada A-Channel, Citytv, TVA (French), Canal Mystère (French)
Chile Chile Hallmark Channel
Colombia Colombia Monk Universal Channel, Hallmark Channel
Croatia Croatia Monk HRT 2
Cyprus Cyprus Ντετέκτιβ Μόνκ
("Detective Monk")
CyBC October 8, 2006
Czech Republic Czech Republic Můj přítel Monk
("My friend Monk")
Denmark Denmark Monk (Canal+)/
Detektiv Monk (TV 2 Charlie/TV 2)
Canal+ (first run), TV 2 Charlie (re-runs), TV 2 (first run on national television)
Egypt Egypt MBC 4
Estonia Estonia Monk TV 3 September 6, 2003
Finland Finland Monk Canal+, YLE TV1 September 11, 2004
France France Monk TF1, TV Breizh March 22, 2003
Germany Germany Monk RTL, TNT Serie June 29, 2004
Greece Greece Ντετέκτιβ Μονκ
("Detective Monk")
Star Channel, Universal Channel
Jamaica Jamaica Monk Television Jamaica May 2005–
Netherlands Holland SBS6
Hong Kong Hong Kong 神探阿蒙
("Detective Monk")
TVB (Season 5) September 18, 2003
Hungary Hungary Monk – Flúgos nyomozó
("Monk – Nutty detective")
and Viasat3
Iceland Iceland Stöð 2
India India STAR World
Sri Lanka Sri Lanka STAR World
Republic of Ireland Ireland RTÉ
Israel Israel מונק Israel 10
and Hallmark
and Star World
Italy Italy Monk Rete 4
June 9, 2005
May 1, 2008
Japan Japan 名探偵モンク [Meitantei Monk]
("Great detective Monk")
NHK BS-2 March 30, 2004
Country Series Title in Country TV Network(s) Series Premiere
Kenya Kenya Kenya Television Network
Lithuania Lithuania Detektyvas Monkas ("Detective Monk") TV6 September 6, 2003
South Korea South Korea 탐정 몽크 [Tam Jeong Monk]
("Detective Monk")
KBS 2TV & Fox KBS : Only Broadcast Season 3
Mexico Mexico Monk 4tv, The Hallmark Channel, Universal Channel
Nepal Nepal Monk Star World
Netherlands Netherlands SBS6 December 6, 2007
New Zealand New Zealand Television 3 and SKY 1 (Now Called "THE BOX")
Norway Norway TV2 Zebra & Hallmark Channel February 19, 2008
Pakistan Pakistan Monk STAR World
Philippines Philippines Star World
Poland Poland Detektyw Monk
("Detective Monk")
TVN (free-tv-premiere), TVN Siedem (free-tv-re-runs)
Canal+ (first run), Canal+ Film (re-runs)
Universal Channel (re-runs)
April 11, 2003
Portugal Portugal TVI and FX
Romania Romania Pro Cinema
Republic of Macedonia Republic of Macedonia Kanal 5
Russia Russia Дефективный детектив
("Defective Detective")
Channel One 2006, 1–3 seasons
Детектив Монк
("Detective Monk")
Telekanal Zvezda
Serbia Serbia Детектив Монк
("Detective Monk")
Slovakia Slovakia Monk Markíza
Slovenia Slovenia POP TV September 8, 2004
South Africa South Africa SABC 2
Spain Spain Monk Calle 13 cable/satellite
Canal 9 (Valencian Community)
ETB2 (Basque Country)
8tv (Catalonia)
TVG (Galicia)
TV Canaria (Canary Islands)
Telemadrid (Community of Madrid)
Sweden Sweden Canal+ Film 1 (first run)
and Kanal 9 (re-runs)
and Comedy Central Sweden (re-runs)
April 8, 2003
Switzerland Switzerland Monk SF zwei, 3+, RSI La 1 (form. TSI 1), TSR 1,4uTV
Republic of China Taiwan Monk 神經妙探 Videoland — W Movie Channel July 14, 2004
Thailand Thailand Star World
Turkey Turkey Dizimax, TNT Turkey
United Kingdom United Kingdom BBC TWO (First run) , Quest (TV channel) (re-runs S1-S3) , Hallmark Channel (re-runs)
 United States Monk USA Network (original airing)
Universal HD (syndication)
Various broadcast television stations (syndication)
July 12, 2002


  1. ^ Kung, Michelle. "“Monk” Finale Breaks Basic Cable Ratings Record". 2009-12-07. Wall Street Journal. Retrieved March 6, 2010. 
  2. ^ "Mr. Monk Meets His Dad". Monk. 2006-11-16. No. 9, season 5.
  3. ^ Kaufman, Joanne (January 9, 2009). "Here's What Happened: How Natalie Rescued Monk". The Wall Street Journal. Retrieved January 11, 2009. 
  4. ^ Ausiello, Michael (2004-03-24). "'Monk' exclusive: Bitty Schram says 'Hi, Sharona!'". Entertainment Weekly. Retrieved March 6, 2010. 
  5. ^ Ryan, Joal (2008-04-09). "'Monk' Psychiatrist Dies". E! Online (E! Entertainment Television). 
  6. ^ Keller, Richard (2008-07-08). "Tony Shalhoub and Hector Elizondo talk about season seven of Monk". TV Squad. Retrieved March 6, 2010. 
  7. ^ "Dr. Neven Bell". USA Network. Retrieved 2008-07-10. 
  8. ^ "Monk TV Series News: Emmy Award-Winner Hector Elizondo to Appear in Monk". Retrieved March 6, 2010. 
  9. ^ a b "Mr Monk and His Origins," a special feature packaged with the Season One DVDs
  10. ^ "Monk FAQ". USA Network. September 21, 2006. Retrieved 2006-11-29. 
  11. ^ USA Network (January 12, 2006). "USA Network Announces Fifth & Sixth Season Pick-Up and Acquisition of Back-End Strip Rights of the Award-Winning Original Series MONK". Press release. Retrieved 2008-05-28. 
  12. ^ Hibberd, James (2007-12-18). "'Monk,' 'Psych' to Get NBC Run". TelevisionWeek (Crain Communications Inc.). Retrieved 2008-04-10. 
  13. ^ "Monk, Psych stumble in a shift to NBC". Reuters / Hollywood Reporter. 2008-04-08. Retrieved 2008-04-12. 
  14. ^ IMDB – Monk Filming Locations
  15. ^ Monk Set Visit II
  16. ^ "Grant Geissman – Biography". Retrieved 2006-09-16. 
  17. ^ "Monk – The Show: Theme Song". Retrieved 2006-09-16. 
  18. ^ Bianculli, David (2003-06-17). "Detective's defective, show isn't". New York Daily News. Archived from the original on 2005-03-13. Retrieved 2006-09-16. 
  19. ^ "The Monk Fun Page". Retrieved 2006-09-16. 
  20. ^ "Chronology — Randy Newman". Retrieved 2006-09-16. 
  21. ^ "Monk TV Series, Detective Monk Television Show – USA Network -Lunch At Monk Podcast". USA Network. 2009-10-26. Retrieved 2010-03-07. 
  22. ^ Lee Goldberg. "Books:Monk". Retrieved March 6, 2010. 
  23. ^ "Mr. Monk is Cleaned Out". Retrieved March 7, 2010. 
  24. ^ "Monk DVD news: Box Art for Monk – Season 7". Retrieved 2010-03-07. 
  25. ^ "Monk – Season One". Retrieved 2010-03-07. 
  26. ^ "Monk – Season Two". Retrieved 2010-03-07. 
  27. ^ "Monk – Season Three". Retrieved 2010-03-07. 
  28. ^ "Monk – Season Four". Retrieved 2010-03-07. 
  29. ^ "Monk – Season Five". Retrieved 2010-03-07. 
  30. ^ "Monk – Season Six". Retrieved 2010-03-07. 
  31. ^ "Monk: Season Seven". Retrieved 2010-03-07. 
  32. ^ "(UK) : Monk: Season 7 (4 Discs) : DVD – Free Delivery". Retrieved 2010-03-07. 
  33. ^ "Monk DVD news: Announcement for Monk – Season 8". Retrieved 2010-03-07. 
  34. ^ "Monk: The Obsessive Compulsive Collection – Seasons One – Four". Retrieved 2010-03-07. 
  35. ^ "Monk: Best of Monk". Retrieved 2010-03-07. 
  36. ^ a b "61st Emmy Awards". Academy of Television Arts & Sciences. Retrieved March 6, 2009. 

External links


Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

Monk (2002 – 2009) is a television drama/comedy created by Andy Breckman about Adrian Monk, a former detective, and now consultant, for the San Francisco Police Department who suffers from a number of psychological disorders, including obsessive-compulsive disorder and several phobias.


Season 1

Mr. Monk and the Candidate [1.01]

[After watching Monk at work]
Cop #1: So that's the living legend.
Lt. Gitomer: If you call that living.

[Monk is silently wandering around a crime scene.]
Policewoman: What's he doing?
Sharona: I love this part. He does this Zen Sherlock Holmes thing.

Sharona: You're going straight to Hell.
Adrian Monk: I am in Hell.

Miranda St. Claire: Let me ask you a question. How can you investigate anything? I'm told you're germophobic, afraid of the dark, heights, crowds, and... milk.
Sharona: We're working on the milk. He's making good progress on milk.

Miranda St. Claire: What I do know is, if my husband is elected Mayor, you will never work in this town again. [to her aide] Let's go.
[She walks off.]
Monk: [to Sharona] Are you registered to vote?
Sharona: I never vote. It only encourages them.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Let it go!
Sharona: Are we gonna let it go?
Monk: Hell, no.
Sharona: So what do we do now?
Monk: We're gonna follow the money. Mmm, aah! I've always wanted to say that!

Miranda St. Claire: You have to believe me.
Adrian Monk: Mrs. St. Claire, I have to listen to you. I don't have to believe you.

Monk: So, are you ever going to tell me what kind of dancing you did in Atlantic City?
Sharona: Ballroom.

[The hired killer, after shooting his employer, continues to fire on the crowd.]
Sharona: Oh my God! It's Sykes! He's here.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Sykes? What's he doing here?!
Monk: I think he and Gavin are having some kind of contract dispute.

Sharona: [re: the hit man] I'm gonna follow him.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Follow him?! Who does she think she is.
Monk: I don't know, Lois Lane.

Mr. Monk and the Psychic [1.02]

[ Dirt-fearing Monk is standing a distance from the muddy car crash site on a plank.]
Sharona: Adrian! Don't you want a closer look?
Monk: No, I-I can see from here.
Sharona: Would you like us to move the crash site a little closer to you?

[Capt. Stottlemeyer returns to his office to find Monk and Sharona waiting inside.]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was my office. Yeah, see, I-I'm confused because my name is on the door.
Monk: Don't... don't blame Sharona, Captain.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: I have no intention of blaming Sharona.
[He looks at his desk.]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: What happened here?
Monk: I took the liberty of straightening up a little.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Where is all my crap?
Monk: Obviously, I had to throw some things away.

[Monk is looking for some evidence in a hardware store.]
Monk: It's a small pebble. It's about the size... of a... small pebble.

[Monk finds the crucial piece of evidence lodged in his hair after Sharona has been rooting around in a dumpster for it.]
Monk: Oh, wait. I found it.
Sharona: Where was it?!
Monk: It was in my... it must have flown up and got caught in my...
Sharona: [hits the side of the dumpster] GO-OD! I can't believe I listened to you! You're driving me nuts!

Monk: You gotta be a little skeptical, Sharona. Otherwise you end up believing in everything — UFOs, elves, income tax rebates...

Mr. Monk Meets Dale the Whale [1.03]

Benjy: [about Monk] Can I bring him to school? Like, for show and tell?

Monk: Go to hell.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: No doubt I will. I just hope it's handicap accessible.

[Late at night, Stottlemeyer and Disher brainstorm on how the immobile Biederbeck could have killed the judge.]
Disher: What about liposuction?
Stottlemeyer: What?
Disher: Liposuction, yeah! He... he lipo'd himself down to like, uh... I don't know, like 400 pounds. Down the elevator, across town... killed the judge.
Stottlemeyer: Well, how did he gain all the weight back?
[Long pause.]
Disher: Reverse liposuction.

[Capt. Stottlemeyer leads star witness Vezza from Biederbeck's bedroom. Biederbeck yells after him.]
Biederbeck: There's not a prison in the country that can hold me!
Monk: There are very few shopping malls that can hold you. But, nonetheless, we're gonna give it a try.

[Monk and Sharona are walking down a pier.]
Sharona: Adrian, can I ask you something? If it's none of my buisiness, I promise I'll shut up.
Monk: I doubt it.
[They smile and there is a pause as they keep walking.]
Sharona: What did Trudy mean by "bread and butter"?
Monk: Whenever Trudy and I were walking somewhere, we would hold hands, and if there was a lamp post or somebody walked between us and we had to let go for a second, she'd always say "bread and butter".
Sharona: So when she died...
Monk: Yeah, I think it was a message for me. She was saying, "I have to let go now for a little while, but it won't be forever."
[She takes his arm in hers and they continue walking.]

Mr. Monk Goes to the Carnival [1.04]

[After Monk breaks her car's headlight while driving, Sharona stops him from getting back behind the wheel.]
Sharona: I'm driving. When Hell freezes over, you can drive again. No — you know what? Even if Hell freezes over, I'm still driving, because I don't want you driving on the ice! Get in the car!

[Captain Stottlemeyer comes out of the hearing, having failed to support Monk's reinstatement.]
Sharona: You son of a bitch.
Monk: I thought you were gonna do the right thing.
Stottlemeyer: I think I did do the right thing.
Sharona: He saves your ass all the time, and he never asks for anything in return. He closes case after case, and then he goes home and watches you on the news taking all the credit!
Stottlemeyer: I wanted to recommend you, I tried to recommend you, but I just couldn't do it. Adrian, you are not ready to carry a gun. You're not ready to have other cops depend on you under fire. In your heart, you know you're not ready.
[Monk walks off.]
Sharona: At least your friend Adam Kirk has the decency to stab people in the front.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Hey, Randy, did I ever tell you about Monk's first day as a detective?
Lt. Disher: No, sir.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Take a seat. [Randy does] He didn't have a partner, so I got stuck with him.
Lt. Disher: Was he, uh...? [motions to his head]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: No, no. He was... a little wound. He used to clean the windshield and rearrange the glovebox before we'd roll. Anyway, we're the primaries on a body at a hotel in the Castro. A hooker had swallowed a bunch of promazine - you know, the big sleeping pills?
Lt. Disher: Horse tranquilizers, sir.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: I said suicide. Every cop on the scene said suicide. Medical examiner said suicide. Monk walks in, says murder. "Where's the water?" The room had no water! Simple. Eight people in the room, but nobody saw that.
Lt. Disher: Well, I'm sure you would have seen it eventually, sir...
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Don't kid yourself. There is only one... Adrian Monk.

Sharona: You okay?
Monk: I just wanna be alone.
Sharona: Okay, I'll come with you.

[first time line is spoken in the series]
Sharona: So you remember how many empty boxes you saw?
Monk: Yes. It's a blessing, and a curse.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Asylum [1.05]

[On the hospital's roof, Monk addresses "Santa" as the police cover them from below.]
Monk: By the way, in case we don't get a chance to talk later, [I] just want you to know — except for the murders and your trying to kill me, you really were the best doctor I ever had.

Mr. Monk and the Billionaire Mugger [1.06]

[Sharona waits impatiently for her paycheck, but Monk doesn't think the case is solved yet.]
Sharona: Adrian, I'm giving you until 3.
[Monk looks at his watch.]
Sharona: No, not 3 o'clock. I'm counting to three.

Mr. Monk and the Other Woman [1.07]

Monk: It doesn't make any sense.
Stottlemeyer: Does everything have to make sense, Monk?
Monk: Well... yeah, it kinda does.

Todd: You should be ashamed of yourself!
Monk: I am, 24-7.

[Adrian packs to stay overnight at Monica's after a murder in her garage.]
Sharona: I am not coming to get you in the middle of the night!
Monk: You won't have to get me — I'm not a child, Sharona. [worriedly] Can't find my PJs!

[After Stottlemeyer ruins Monk's night "sleepover" with a wrong accusation, and Monk nevertheless solves the case...]
Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk!
[Stottlemeyer shuffles uncomfortably for a moment.]
Stottlemeyer: I'm sorry.
Monk: You don't have to say that.
Stottlemeyer: Yes, I do. Commissioner is making me.

Mr. Monk and the Marathon Man [1.08]

[After Monk misses seeing his marathon idol, Tonday, because he was uninvitedly fixing someone's sweater...]
Monk: It was askew!
Sharona: So what? So what — why can't you just let people be askew? I mean, what are you, the Askew Police?
Monk: Yes, I'm the Askew Police.

[Stottlemeyer et al. confront McDowell about his affair with the murder victim.]
Stottlemeyer: She was your girlfriend.
McDowell: Yes, uh... I really screwed up, big time.
Stottlemeyer: How long have you been "screwing up"?

[Tonday gives Monk his headband from his famous 1973 run. Monk places it against his cheek.]
Monk: Thank you, my friend. Thank you for this. This... means the world to me.
Tonday: I haven't worn it since the big race. Or washed it.
[Tonday gets into his taxi. Monk pulls the headband off his cheek and stares at it.]
Monk: Baggie! Baggie! Baggie, baggie!
Sharona: Just give it to me.

Mr. Monk Takes a Vacation [1.09]

[Monk and Benjy observe Sharona losing to a handsome acquaintance at tennis.]
Benjy: Mom coulda got that shot. You think she's letting him win?
Monk: I wouldn't be surprised.
Benjy: You know, why do girls do that?
Monk: Someday you'll understand. [pauses] When you do, call me and explain it to me.

[Monk and Disher are talking on the phone]
Disher: So, you want to tell me what's going on?
Monk: I think this time, he might have killed his wife.
Disher: Where are you staying, Monk? The Bates Motel?
Monk: No, but I think this place is run by the same company.

[Trying to locate the murder victim, Monk investigates some missing bags of quicklime.]
Monk: There had to be more than one person. I think we're looking for a gang. Did they move those palette boards?
Groundskeeper: They don't belong there.
[Monk compares the window height to the palette stack height.]
Monk: They were short.
Groundskeeper: A short gang of lime thieves?
Monk: It's a nutty world.

Monk: Okay, just for the record, what we just did...
Benjy: Breaking and entering?
Monk: Yeah... it's wrong. Don't-don't do it.

[Monk, with Benjy tagging along, checks out the maids' locker room.]
Benjy: Think the dead body's in here?
Monk: Maybe. It's been everywhere else.

Mr. Monk and the Earthquake [1.10]

[The earthquake prevents Sharona and Benjy from returning to their home.]
Sharona: Well, we can always stay at Aunt Gail's.
Benjy: Why can't we stay at Mr. Monk's?
Sharona: Because I will go crazy slower at Aunt Gail's.

[As they sit with the new widow, gibberish-speaking Adrian attempts to express his condolences. Sharona tells him to leave the room.]
Father Hatcher: Um... where's he from?
Sharona: Neptune.

Benjy: The water's brown!
Gail: Oh yeah, it always gets like that after an earthquake. Fortunately, I always keep some mineral water around for situations like this... Where's my water?
[She opens the cupboard under the sink, which is empty. Cut to the bathroom, where Monk is soaking in the tub, surrounded by empty plastic bottles.]
Gail: [banging on the door] Mr. Monk?
Monk: Don't come in, I'm taking a bath.
Gail: With my mineral water?!
Monk: I tried the water from the tap, it was a little rusty.
Gail: Yeah well, enjoy that bath, it's costing me ninety-five dollars!
Monk: [oblivious to her sarcasm] Thank you!

Lt. Disher: So, uh... what's it like, having Adrian Monk as a house guest?
Gail: Well, a few years ago, a squirrel got into the house, and I could hear it running through the attic and the walls. Took me two months to get rid of it. Drove me crazy.
Lt. Disher: ...And?
Gail: And, that's what it's like!

[Sharona kicks Darryl into the arms of Capt. Stottlemeyer, who grabs him from behind.]
Darryl: Son of a bitch!
Stottlemeyer: I'm surprised you can talk with a broken jaw.
Darryl: I don't have a broken jaw!
[Stottlemeyer spins him around and belts him.]

Mr. Monk and the Red-Headed Stranger [1.11]

[During the initial police press conference, a streaker runs by.]
Stottlemeyer: What the hell was that?
Disher: That was a... streaker, sir.
Stottlemeyer: What is this, 1974?

[Monk rattles off an arcane observation about one of Willie's studio recordings.]
Willie: You know more about me than I do.
Sharona: He knows more about everybody than they do.

[Re-enacting the crime, Monk shoots Sharona with Benjy's toy gun.]
Sharona: Ow! Why am I always the victim?
Monk: Because the victim usually ends up on the ground, in-in the dirt. And I'm... I'm me. Okay, so now... you've been shot. So now you... run away.
Sharona: With pleasure.

[Sharona and Monk are looking through some bagged LP albums in a used-record store.]
Sharona: Look at all these plastic bags! You must be in heaven.

[Monk interrupts Benjy as he interviews Wendy Maas, the blind witness.]
Sharona: Adrian! This is Benjy's interview.
Monk: Then what am I doing here?
Sharona: I don't know. I never know.

Mr. Monk and the Airplane [1.12]

Sharona: Aunt Minn's not coming here. I'm going there. My, ah, flight leaves in about an hour, and... I'm gonna be gone for seven days.
Monk: In a row?

[Adrian empties his pockets of all his baggied items, including his money.]
Security Guard: You didn't have to put them in baggies, sir.
Sharona: No, he did.

Monk: She forgot she was a vegetarian? Who forgets they're vegetarian? It's like... forgetting you're a Republican.

[Monk is talking to Lt. Disher on an airplane phone.]
Disher: Are you really up there in an airplane?
Monk: It's better than being up here not in an airplane.

[Stephan's girlfriend locks Monk inside the bathroom while he is changing. He starts banging on the door and Sharona comes to rescue him.]
Monk: Sharona! Open up! This isn't funny!
[Sharona opens the door. Monk pops out, clutching a piece of paper.]
Sharona: What's that?
Monk: It's my will.

Season 2

Mr. Monk Goes Back to School [2.01]

Stottlemeyer: Well, I guess this is your worst nightmare, a crime scene on a rooftop.
Monk: No, it's not my worst nightmare. It's my fourth worst. No, wait, fifth. No, fourth. Fourth or fifth, I didn't bring the list with me.

Monk: [repeating the murder suspect's words back to him] Q.E.D. Quod erat demonstratum. "Thus it is proven."

Mr. Monk Goes to Mexico [2.02]

[Monk's suitcases, filled with food and water, get stolen]
Monk: What am I going to eat and drink?
Sharona: Adrian, they have food and water in Mexico.
Monk: Answer the question! What am I going to eat and drink!?

[After Monk has turned up, having been presumed dead]
Monk: [Tortured] That officer outside told me I was dead. I'm not dead... am I?

[Monk is presumed dead]
Stottlemeyer: I want a full-dress funeral, white gloves and black armbands, twenty-one gun salute. I want the governor there, and I want the mayor to give a eulogy...
Disher: Monk wasn't on active duty, sir. We can't go full-dress...
Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk is to be buried with honors, or I quit! Let me tell you something, Lieutenant, and I'm not afraid to say this: I loved that man.
[The phone rings.]
Stottlemeyer: [answers] Stottlemeyer... yes. Yes, I understand.
[hangs up]
Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk is alive.
Stottlemeyer: I HATE THAT MAN!

Lt. Plato: Maybe you come back alone, you can earn some more necklaces.
Sharona: Why does everybody keep mentioning my necklaces?
Lt. Plato: They are fiesta beads.
Sharona: What are fiesta beads?
Lt. Plato: You don't remember how you got them?
Sharona: Ahh, no.
Lt. Plato: Guys give them to girls... at parties.
Sharona: Oh, what for?
[Lt. Plato whispers to Sharona]
Sharona: [gasps] Oh my God, why didn't you tell me?!
Lt. Plato: You wore them so... proudly!

[explaining what happened, hoarsely, as he hasn't drank any water in days]
Monk: He was a thirsty victim...
Sharona: Adrian.
Monk: I mean, the perfect victim.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Ballgame [2.03]

[Monk gets baseball star Scott Gregorio to coach Benjy at batting practice.]
Sharona: Thank you, Adrian! [pause] I thought I'd thank you now, because in a half an hour, you're probably gonna piss me off again.
Monk: You're welcome.

Scott Gregorio: They say that when you lose an arm, you can still feel it. That's what it feels like. I miss her so much. How do you... how do you go on? How do you keep working?
Adrian Monk: When Trudy fell in love with me, I was a detective. I was on the street, breaking cases. So I keep working. I keep trying to be the man she loved. That's all you can do: be the man she loved.

[Monk solves the case, and brings a videotape to prove his theory.]
Monk: Can I make a prediction here? You're each going to say, "Oh, my God" twice.
Sharona: Okay, here it is!
Monk: Don't blink.
[They watch the video.]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God.
Lt. Disher: Oh, my God!
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, my...
Lt. Disher: Oh, my God!
Monk: [off Stottlemeyer's look] My God.

[after the season ends, and Scott has failed to break a famous record]
Scott Gregorio: ...But I would like to say something. I met a man recently. He's become a good friend. He reminded me that there are things in life much more important than baseball. What matters most, is the people you love. Being true to them, or their memories. That's the real ball game. My friend isn't giving up on that, and neither am I. I'll see you all in spring training.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus [2.04]

[Monk announces that horsetrainer Ariana is preparing to become a U.S. citizen.]
Ariana: How did you know that?
Monk: That pamphlet in your bag.
[In Ariana's purse, we see "A Guide to the United States Constitution".]
Monk: You're studying the U.S. Constitution — something no citizen would ever do.

Monk: I wanna make sure I understand this. I have a problem... you know the answer...
Dr. Kroger: That's right.
Monk: I'm paying you...
Dr. Kroger: That's right.
Monk: ...but you won't tell me.
Dr. Kroger: That's right. Adrian, the answer is inside you.
Monk: No, doctor, the... answer is inside you. If you told me, I would hear it, and then the answer would be inside me!

Monk: Can't somebody do something about this clown?!

[Monk summarizes the case, and a nearby clown imitates Monk and Stottlemeyer.]
Natasia: Like Tolstoy, you know how to tell a clever story, but you need proof. The elephant isn't talking. Anyone could have put that radio thing in her ear.
Stottlemeyer: Randy, take that thing down to the lab straightaway.
[The clown motions Randy out.]
Monk: I don't think they'll find any prints. She's too smart. I'm sure she wiped it down...
[Natasia looks smug.]
Monk: Then again, that walkie looks brand new, which means she had to put batteries in it.
[The smug look fades.]
Monk: You did remember to wipe your prints off the batteries, didn't you, Natasia?
Clown: [Makes honking sound, forms a gun with hands] Wocka wocka!
Stottlemeyer: All right, that's it, freak. You're under arrest! (Cuffs clown)
Clown: For what?!
Stottlemeyer: For impersonating an officer!

[Monk wants to go home a few minutes after they arrived]
Sharona: Oh, just suck it up.
Monk: I don't think it's my turn to suck it up, I think it's your turn to suck it up.
Benjy: Hey, why don't you both suck it up?
Sharona: Excuse me! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Benjy: No.
Sharona: Well, you should. Come here.

Mr. Monk and the Very, Very Old Man [2.05]

Stottlemeyer: A hundred and fifteen? People that old, they die! It's like their job!

Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk, have you studied the room?
Monk: Yes, I have.
Stottlemeyer: Have you formed an opinion about the cause of Miles Holling's death?
Monk: Yes, I have.
Stottlemeyer: And what is your opinion, Adrian Monk?
Monk: He... was murdered. [into Stottlemeyer's cell phone] He was murdered, Karen.
Karen Stottlemeyer: I knew it!
Stottlemeyer: Sweetheart? I'm gonna strangle Monk, and then I'll call you right back.

Monk: So what do you think?
Stottlemeyer: Well, why ask me? My hippie wife's a much better cop than I am.
Monk: Don't say that.
Stottlemeyer: Look, I don't mind living in your shadow, Monk; you're a freak of nature.
Monk: Thank you.

[Monk jumps on top of the dining table to avoid a snake.]
Stottlemeyer: I thought you were afraid of heights.
Monk: Snakes trump heights. It goes: germs, needles, milk, death, snakes, mushrooms, heights, crowds, elevators...
Stottlemeyer: Okay, okay — I don't need the entire list.

Stottlemeyer: Monk, I'm going to say something I've wanted to say for a long time.
Monk: What is it?
Stottlemeyer: I just solved the case!

Mr. Monk Goes to the Theater [2.06]

[Monk and Sharona follow Jenna to a hotel, but are intercepted by a greeter for a conference.]
Greeter: Oh! Excuse me! Have you registered?
Monk: For... what?
Greeter: Speedy Dates. We do it here once a month.
Sharona: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. I-I read an article about this. It's for singles. Instead of spending all night with one jerk, you get to meet 15 jerks at once.
Greeter: Yeah, that's not exactly how we would describe it.

Monk: Speedy Dates? No. No, no. No, that's like... Dante's seventh circle of Hell.

Date #1: [Romantically] I like your eyes.
Monk: Well, thank you. They came with the face.
Date #1: [Romantically] So you're a former police officer.
Monk: That's right.
Date #1: [Romantically] You still have your handcuffs?
Monk: Yes.
Date #1: [Romantically] Can you show them to me sometime?
Monk: I don't see why you would want to... they're just handcuffs!

Sharona: So, how'd the dating go?
Monk: Oh, it was terrible! Thank God I'm not single.
Sharona: You are single.
Monk: Oh, yeah.

Monk: You... you enter from the right...
Sharona: You mean the left. That's stage left.
Monk: But it's on the right.
Sharona: But it's stage left. That's what they call it.
[She shrugs at Monk's confusion.]
Sharona: My sister's an actress!
Monk: But- but- for the purposes of this recreation, let's just call it what they call it on Planet Earth.
Sharona: [sardonically] Like you would know.

Mr. Monk and the Sleeping Suspect [2.07]

Sharona: Is that a new tie?
Lt. Disher: It's a gift from my girlfriend.
Sharona: She has very good taste. In ties, not in men.
Lt. Disher: Ooh — do I detect a hint of jealousy?
Sharona: If you do, it's the only detecting you've ever done.

Monk: He's the guy.
Stottlemeyer: Who?
[Monk indicates Brian, who is in a coma]
Stottlemeyer: Him? Monk, he's a vegetable! He's not even a vegetable! He hopes to one day be a vegetable!

Stottlemeyer: All right, so... Brian built the bomb, and then Brian mailed the bomb, by himself.
Monk: That's right.
Stottlemeyer: While he was in a coma.
Monk: [admiringly] You gotta admit — it's a pretty good alibi. It's rock solid!
Stottlemeyer: Monk, I have known 15,000 criminals in my lifetime. Here's what they all have in common: they're conscious!
Monk: Nonetheless.
Stottlemeyer: Is your shrink coming back soon?

Sharona: Why can't you be happy for me?
Monk: I am happy for you. This is me, being happy for you. I was just telling Brian how happy you seem.
Sharona: Who's Brian?
Monk: Brian Babbage.
Sharona: The coma guy? He woke up?
Monk: No.
Sharona: But you were talking to him.
Monk: He's a good listener.

U.S. Postal Worker Tamil Swarma: The U.S. Post Office unwittingly became the Messenger of Evil. Who'd a thunk it?
Monk: Well put, Tamil.

Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy [2.08]

[Monk tries to find an article in a Sapphire nudie magazine, but after seeing its other contents, he looks away, humming nervously.]
Diane: Are you a religious man, Mr. Monk?
Sharona: He is now.

Monk: That's strange. Why would he need a mirror on the ceiling?
Sharona: Try not to think about that now.

Dexter Larsen: [about his life before publishing Sapphire] I was a nerd, publishing my little electronics magazine. I was the kind of guy a woman like you would never talk to.
Sharona: You still are.

[Monk has reduced a whole room full of Sapphire models to tears reading Trudy's last poem to him.]
Partygoer: [coming in] Anybody want a swim?
Model: I just want to go home.
2nd Model: Me, too.

Mr. Monk and the 12th Man [2.09]

Mrs. Ling: You come back anytime, Mr. Babcock. You good customer, 'cause you don't complain.
Lt. Disher: Ma'am, he just killed eleven people.
Stottlemeyer: Twelve. Let's not forget about the first Mrs. Babcock, who I'll bet is buried under that new porch.
Mrs. Ling: Yeah, well... he still good customer. Not crazy like that Mr. Monk over there.

Mr. Monk and the Paperboy [2.10]

[Monk has accidentally wiped his hands with a garage rag, smearing them with oil.]
Monk: Oh, my God! Oh, the humanity!

[Monk refuses to reveal his intimacies with his late wife to his psychiatrist.]
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, we can talk about your sex life with Trudy or we can sing show tunes until this session is over. It's your choice.
Monk: [singing] If ever would I leave you...
[Eventually, Monk stops singing. He looks at his watch and stares at Dr. Kroger for a while, then...]
Monk: [singing] If ever would I leave you...

Monk: Why do you torture me like this?
Sharona: Because I can.

Mr. Monk and the Three Pies [2.11]

Sharona: [answers phone] Hello? No, I'm Sharona, his assistant. Who's this? Hold on, please. [to Monk] Adrian? You have a brother?
[Everyone looks up, surprised. Long pause.]
Adrian: No.
Sharona: [into phone] I'm sorry, sir, you must have the wrong Adrian Monk.
[She hangs up. Immediately, the phone starts ringing again.]
Adrian: Wait, wait... I might have a brother.
Sharona: You told me you were an only child.
Adrian: I consider myself an only child. We're not close! He has issues.
Stottlemeyer: [raised eyebrow] Your brother has issues?
Adrian: Don't you people have work to do? There's a dead woman over there!

[after meeting Ambrose, Sharona hugs Monk]
Monk: What's that for?
Sharona: For making my family seem normal.

Sharona: Hi, I'm Sharona Fleming and this is Adrian Monk.
Van Ranken: [starts breathing heavier] Monk... from next door?
Monk: No, I'm his brother.
Van Ranken: You almost gave me a heart attack! That guy hasn't left the house in, what, twenty years?
Monk: Thirty-two...
Van Ranken: My wife knows him. Isn't he... scared of stuff?
Monk: Yes... he's scared of stuff. Stuff... and things.

Sharona: Ambrose, come with us.
Ambrose: Outside? Oh no, I can't.
Sharona: You're just gonna hide in this house for the rest of your life?
Ambrose: That's my plan, yes.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Van Ranken, we would like permission to search your pie.
Van Ranken: What?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Please, don't make me say it again.
Van Ranken: And if I refuse?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Then we'll get a search warrant.
Van Ranken: For a pie?

Mr. Monk and the T.V. Star [2.12]

[Monk reenacts a murder with Sharona as the victim]
Sharona: I think you enjoy shooting and stabbing me.
Monk: No, I don't enjoy it. But it's my job.

[Monk solves the case]
Monk: Oh, my God. I think I know what happened here. Sharona, you're not going to like this. Just-just try to keep an open mind, hear me out...
Sharona: [sadly] He did it, didn't he?

Marci: If you ever get your own TV show, promise me you will never change the theme song.
N.B. Monk has "It's a jungle out there" by Randy Newman as his theme song in season two forward, but the first season had a guitar melody. As Marci says this, the old theme song starts to play and continues playing over the end credits.

Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny [2.13]

[Stottlemeyer and Monk are interrogating Ron Abrash, a suspect in a kidnapping.]
Abrash: What have you been smokin', man?
Monk: I've been smokin' THE TRUTH, MAN!
Abrash: What, are you guys playing "Good cop, crazy cop?"

[Monk is trying to get a man at a homeless shelter to have gravy, because everyone else is.]
Sharona: Adrian, he doesn't want any gravy!
Monk: Let the man speak for himself.
Man: I don't want any gravy!
[Monk approaches man that didn't want gravy]
Monk: Here, it is!
Man: I told you, I didn't want any!
Monk: Didn't you just ask for gravy?
Man: Are you serious?
Monk: Oh. Well, here it is.
Man: I told you, I don't want it.
Monk: Okay, how about this. You have some gravy...
Man: And?
Monk: That's it.

Mr. Monk and the Captain's Wife [2.14]

[Stottlemeyer prepares to lead a raid on a union's headquarters]
Lt. Disher: Captain! That was Monk!
[everyone freezes]
Lt. Disher: He said he solved the case.
Stottlemeyer: He what?
Lt. Disher: He says it's not a union thing.
Stottlemeyer: ...Is he sure?
Lt. Disher: ...He's Monk.

Stottlemeyer: Did Adrian Monk just jump into a garbage truck?

Mr. Monk Gets Married [2.15]

Sharona: Have you been drinking?
Disher: Yes, I have. I couldn't think of any other way to get all this Scotch into my body.

Disher: There's something wrong about this. My spidey sense is tingling.

Sharona: Adrian, you have to sit. This is a picnic.
Monk: I - I don't sit on the ground. Animals do things on the ground - terrible, terrible things.

Sharona: We're never going to get away with this! They're never going to believe we're really married.
Monk: We have nothing in common. I annoy you all the time. Why wouldn't they believe it?

Monk: I can't sleep with a crooked shelf in the room.
Sharona: Well, when you turn the light off you won't see it.
Monk: I wish you could hear yourself sometimes. You live in a dream world.

Mr. Monk Goes to Jail [2.16]

[Two officers discuss an inmate who will be executed soon]
Warden Christie: Where's Ray Kaspo?
Guard: In the holding cell, having his last meal. Ribs and chili.
Warden Christie: Ribs and chili? That might kill him before we do.

Adrian Monk: It seems prison agrees with you, Dale.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Well, why wouldn't it? After all, [indicates his stomach] I've been inside this prison all my life.
Adrian Monk: That's very poetic.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Of course, it doesn't compare with the prison you built for yourself.

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I want to make you an offer...
Sharona Fleming: Oh please, drop dead!
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Well, you'd think I would have by now, wouldn't you? [laughs]

[while pretending to be a convict, Monk tapes a picture of Trudy to his cell wall]
Spyder Rudner: Is that your old lady?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Spyder Rudner: Is she waiting for you?
Adrian Monk: Yes, she is.

Spyder Rudner: All right, Adolf, let him go!
Lody: It's not about you, Spyder!
Spyder Rudner: The guy's a friend of mine.
Lody: He's a cop!
Spyder Rudner: Yeah, so I've heard. Let him go.
Lody: You'd side with a cop over us?
Spyder Rudner: I'd side with a cucaracha over you.

Season 3

Mr. Monk Takes Manhattan [3.01]

[The federal authorities are refusing access to Tennyson]
Stottlemeyer: You gave me your word.
Det. Walter: Come on, I didn't lie to you. If we close the ambassador case...
Stottlemeyer: Look, I don't care about the frigging ambassador, okay? He means less than zero to me! My friend's wife got blown up! You understand? And it killed him too!

[Monk accidentally gets pushed onto a departing subway]
Sharona: Sir, sir! You've got to stop that train, he's all alone-!
Subway Cop: All right, ma'am, just calm down. It happens all the time. [lifts his radio] What's his name?
Sharona: Adrian Monk.
Subway Cop: And how old is he?
Sharona: He's forty-five.

Monk: You... it was you. You filthy, disgusting animal! YOU MAKE ME SICK!
[confused, everyone turns to look]
Busboy: Me?
Sharona: What are you doing? He's a busboy!
Monk: Sharona, don't you recognize him? From the subway! He's the Urinator! Urinator! It was you! Don't try to deny it-
Stottlemeyer: Monk...
Monk: We saw what you did-!
Stottlemeyer: Monk! Could we get back to the quadruple homicide, please?

[Monk and Sharona are in a diner where Monk wants to use his one pair of handcuffs to arrest someone who urinated in public earlier.]
Sharona: That man took a whizz in the subway. That man killed four people in cold blood. Now who do you think we should arrest?
[Monk thinks it over]
Monk: [hesitantly] The murderer.

Tennyson: You were the husband?
Monk: I am the husband.
Tennyson: Forgive me.
Monk: Forgive you? This is me, turning off your morphine...
[Tennyson's eyes widen in horror]
Monk: ...and this is Trudy, the woman you killed, turning it back on.

Mr. Monk and the Panic Room [3.02]

[Monk is patching up Benjy after he got into a fight at school.]
Monk: Uh-oh...
Benjy: What?
Monk: The Band-Aid.
Benjy: It's okay, it doesn't have to be perf- [Monk rips it off] OW!
Sharona: Now Benjy, you're grounded! That means no TV, and no Playstation!
Benjy: Mom!
Monk: Sharona, he was just sticking up for a friend.
Sharona: Adrian, you stay out of this! You're not his father.
Monk: That's true, but I care about him as much as any father.
[He rips off the Band-Aid again.]
Benjy: OW!

Stottlemeyer: They call it a panic room. I know that's a difficult concept because, for you, every room is a panic room.
Monk: Thank you.

Disher: [after explaining his theory] ...Thus, suicide by monkey.
Sharona: Thus, theory by monkey.

[Dr. Kroger is at Monk's apartment because Sharona left a chimp loose with Monk.]
Dr. Kroger: I can see your space has been violated, and I think you're handling it very well. I'm proud of you. How do you feel?
Monk: [high-pitched voice] I'm fine. These things happen, what can you do?
Dr. Kroger: Exactly, exactly. These are all just material objects. You can always replace anything that he breaks, or chews, or... [sees] pees on.
Monk: Chews or pees on... Chews or pees on...

Mr. Monk and the Blackout [3.03]

[During a blackout]
Monk: [groans]
Sharona: Benjy, hold his hand.
Benjy: Ow! He's squeezing it!
Sharona: Let him squeeze it.
Monk: When will it be over?
Sharona: Adrian, calm down, they're working on it now, it won't be long.
Monk: When will it be over?
Sharona: I'm telling you, I don't know, they're working on it.
Monk: When will it be over?!
Benjy: Make him stop!
[The lights come back on]
Sharona: See? I told you.
Monk: I didn't know when it would be over.
Sharona: So I heard.

[Monk has a date]
Sharona: Are you excited?
Monk: Yes... if by excited, you mean petrified and full of regret.
Sharona: Petrified and full of regret. Welcome to the world of dating.

[When stuck in a elevator due to a blackout]
Monk: [pushing Emergency Call button] Lobby, lobby, lobby, lobby, lobby...
Person in Elevator: Sir, the power is out. That means you can't reach them.
Monk: ...Yeah, you're probably right. [Resumes pushing button] Lobby, lobby, lobby...

[during yet another blackout]
Monk: [stumbles and hits something] I cannot find my night-vision goggles. There is a fatal flaw in the night-vision goggle plan!

[Stottlemeyer and Disher burst in and point their guns at the criminal]
Monk: Lieutenant, these are night-vision goggles! Turn the lights back off, I'll have the advantage! Turn them off!
Lt. Disher: Yeah, we could do that... or we could just arrest him.

Mr. Monk Gets Fired [3.04]

[Sharona is confused about Monk's near-catatonia after he lands a magazine job on his first interview.]
Sharona: What's the problem? It's a great job!
Monk: I had a great job. I-I was a cop, that's all I ever wanted to be. I couldn't fix the whole world, I knew that. But I could fix... little pieces of it, one little piece at a time. Put things back together. Sharona, I-I need it. I miss it, I-I miss it so much...
Sharona: Hey, hey. I miss it too.

Monk: I solved the case!
Sharona: What are you doing?
Monk: I'm dancing a jig!
Sharona: That's not a jig.
Monk: What is it, then?
Sharona: I don't know, I don't want to know.
Monk: I'm back, baby!

Mr. Monk Meets the Godfather [3.05]

[Sharona has her car in the shop for repairs.]
Monk: Tell him about that noise your radio keeps making.
Sharona: That's my music.

[FBI agent Colmes wants Monk to wear a wire into a meeting with mob kingpin Salvatore Lucarelli.]
Monk: Okay, okay. Here's the thing: I can't have anything taped to my chest.
Colmes: Ah, that's fine. Come here, I'll... let me show you this. Ah, you see, these days...
[He pulls out a piece of paper.]
Colmes: We can put a transmitter just about anywhere on the human body. You have six options.
[Monk and Sharona examine the list, with Disher and Stottlemeyer looking over their shoulders.]
Monk: Number One... is out. Number Two... uh, you-you wouldn't actually shave me there, would you?
[Colmes nods.]
Monk: Okay... no thank you. Number Three...
Sharona: What if you had to sit down?
Monk: Right. Good point. Number Four...
[He slowly looks up at Colmes, then turns to Sharona.]
Monk: Even if I die, don't let them do Number Four.
Lt. Disher: Number Five.
Monk: I'll do... okay. I'll do it. I'll try that.
Sharona: That's only for women!
Lt. Disher: Oh! Right.
Monk: Oh, yeah. Ah, Number Six... Number Six. I'll... I can do that.
Colmes: Number Six? Great.
Monk: Not Four.

[Mob "associate" Vince insists on guarding Monk and Sharona.]
Vince: Uncle Sal told me [to] keep an eye on you. It's for your own protection.
Monk: It's a little insulting. I haven't needed a babysitter since I was nineteen.
Sharona: You had a babysitter when you were nineteen?
Monk: Everyone did. It was the seventies; it was a crazy time.

[Monk gets a confession from the real culprit, but discovers the wire wasn't working.]
Monk: Maybe we can trick him into... saying it again.
Colmes: Oh, really? How're we gonna do that?
Monk: Well, I'll just go back there, sit down, and say... "What?"

[Colmes refuses to support Monk's reinstatement since their sting didn't turn up any evidence against Salvatore.]
Stottlemeyer: Let me tell you something. Adrian Monk may be afraid of germs, heights, elevators, and puppies... but you couldn't pack that man's lunch.
Colmes: Ah, that's true. I've seen that man pack a lunch. He's insane.

Mr. Monk and the Girl Who Cried Wolf [3.06]

[Sharona thinks she is losing her sanity like her father, and believes it's due to the stress of taking care of Monk. She is at Dr. Kroger's office.]
Sharona: I swear to God, if I have a breakdown, I'll never forgive him.
Dr. Kroger: Your father?
Sharona: Adrian.

Varla: [Picks up piece of paper] "List of Adrian Monk's fears and phobias." Hmm... "Germs, Needles, Snakes, Heights, Milk, Cr..." MILK? You're afraid of milk?! My three-year-old nephew isn't even afraid of milk!
Monk: You must be very proud of him.
Varla: Yes, I am proud of him, not because of that, but because he's normal. You're not anything near that!

Mr. Monk and the Employee of the Month [3.07]

[Monk steps on some bubble wrap on the ground at the crime scene and is compelled to pop it to make it even.]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Having fun?
Monk: No.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Are you going to pop all of these?
Monk: No choice.
[Capt. Stottlemeyer picks up another side and starts popping it.]
Monk: You've gotta depress it with your thumb-
Capt Stottlemeyer: Monk, I know how to pop bubble wrap!
[He calls two more officers over]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Start popping these.
[They keep popping for a few seconds.]
Officer: Is there any reason why we're doing this?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Nope. Just keep popping.
Monk: Thanks. I really appreciate it.

[Sharona, Disher, Monk, and Stottlemeyer are in a "Mega-Mart" warehouse.
Sharona: Tired?
Disher: I was up all night with my girlfriend.
Sharona: Yeah, those imaginary girlfriends can be pretty wild.
Disher: She's not imaginary.
Sharona: [Sarcastically] Really? What's her name?
Disher: Crystal.
Sharona: [Sees box labeled "Crystal Glassware"] What's her last name? Glassware?
Disher: No, it's Smith.
Sharona: You have a picture?
Disher: [Takes picture from wallet, gives picture to Sharona]
Sharona: Oh, she's pretty. [Turns over picture] Randy, this came with the wallet!
Disher: Yeah, I know. She's a wallet model.
Sharona: That's sad.
Disher: Sharona, she's one of the world's top five wallet models!

[Monk is late for dinner]
Sharona: So where is he, anyway?
Christie: Last I saw, he was putting away boxes in the shoe department.
Sharona: He's putting boxes away?
Christie: [laughing] Yeah...
Sharona: Oh, God. Maybe we'd better go ahead and start ordering now, you know?

Christie: 89-cent plastic commemorative plaque. Would you kill someone to get this?
Monk: I'd kill someone not to get it.

Mr. Monk and the Game Show [3.08]

Monk: [on the phone with Sharona] He's in the kitchen, naming every egg salad sandwich he's ever had. Eight, including today. It's not funny, stop laughing.
Monk: Come back soon. And when you do, bring a gun.

[Kevin Dorfman and Monk are looking in a suspects house, and are debating whether they can go in]
Kevin: I know, I'll lean in.
Monk: What?
Kevin: Yeah, you can lean anywhere you want to. It's in the Constitution.
Monk: I can't imagine what Constitution you're referring to.

Mr. Monk Takes His Medicine [3.09]

Monk: I'm afraid... of change... and I'm afraid of not changing...

Sharona: I am your nurse! Why didn't you tell me?
Monk: Because I knew you'd bring me down! You're bringing the Monk down, man.

Monk: I am so outta here.

Monk: Hey, you know what they say: wherever the Monk is, it's Mardi Gras.

Sharona: Is it you?
Monk: I think so. [touches a lamp]
Sharona: What happened to "The Monk"?
Monk: Trudy didn't like him.

Mr. Monk and the Red Herring [3.10]

Dr. Kroger: Your new assistant is out there, somewhere.
[Monk ponders this for a while.]
Monk: God help her.

[Monk is interviewing candidates for his new assistant.]
Nurse #2: What would my hours be?
Monk: Nine A.M....
Nurse #2: Until...?
Monk: Until one...
Nurse #2: One P.M.?
Monk: Until one of us dies.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well, does anybody have any ideas?
Lt. Disher: Maybe it swallowed something. Like a diamond!
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Does anybody besides Randy have any ideas?

Capt. Stottlemeyer: How are those interviews going? Did ya find anybody?
Monk: I've narrowed it down... to nobody.

[Pursuing a suspect, Natalie drags Monk through a walkthrough exhibit of a woman's reproductive system.]
Natalie: Pretend you're in a funhouse.
Monk: Funhouse?! What's fun about fallopian tubes?!
Natalie: Okay, fetus ahead!
Monk: Ahhhh!
[They turn into the fallopian tubes.]
Monk: Ah, no! Oh, I c— I can't go up there, I— ah, I-I-I-I don't even know this woman.

Mr. Monk vs. the Cobra [3.11]

Monk: It must be a heavy burden, to carry such tremendous wisdom.
Master Zi: It is a gift... and a curse.

[Natalie whacks Monk with a pillow from a coffin]
Monk: Natalie! What are you doing? That's a... it's a... death pillow!

[Monk has been buried alive.]
Stottlemeyer: All right, listen up! We figure he's got about forty minutes of air if he's not panicking... figure on fifteen minutes.

Mr. Monk Gets Cabin Fever [3.12]

Monk: I happen to believe that all men are brothers. Every man's bent antenna... diminishes me.
Natalie: What are you talking about?
Monk: I don't know.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Monk... are you sure? I mean, are you really sure? And don't give me any of that "ninety-five percent" crap.
Monk: Captain, I am one hundred percent sure... that she probably killed him.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: What does that mean?
Monk: ...Ninety-five percent.

[In the woods]
Monk: We're lost, aren't we?
Natalie: We're not lost.
Stottlemeyer: We're not lost.
Monk: Oh, my God! WE'RE LOST!

[In the woods, Monk stumbles and grabs a tree to keep his balance.]
Monk: Ooh, I got nature, I got nature on my hand! [Natalie wipes off the dirt with a leaf] What are you doing? You can't clean nature with nature!

Monk and Disher: [simultaneously] Oh my God, I've got it! Here's what happened... [Monk and Disher start expaining what happened]
Deputy Coby: My head is spinning. Which one are you listening to?
Stottlemeyer: Neither one.

Mr. Monk Gets Stuck in Traffic [3.13]

[Monk is getting onto the Korn tour bus so Julie can use the restroom.]
Monk: They spelled "Korn" wrong!

Monk: I like your music. It's very... musical. But I wish I could understand more of the words.

Monk: I play the clarinet. Played with Willie Nelson.

Monk: [To a band member] I like your socks.
Band Member: They're not socks. [He pulls up his pant leg and uncovers a very large tattoo, and Monk covers his eyes and Julie's eyes.]

Mr. Monk Goes to Vegas [3.14]

Stottlemeyer: Where's my pants? Randy, where's my pants?
Disher: You threw 'em out the window.
Stottlemeyer: Why'd I do that?
Disher: One of the girls bet you a dollar you wouldn't.
Stottlemeyer: [taking a dollar out of the waistband of his boxer shorts] Looks like she paid up.

[Natalie effortlessly arranges special favors "because I'm cute".]
Monk: Boy! It's like you have superpowers.
Natalie: It's a gift.
Monk: And a curse?
Natalie: No, just a gift.

[In the private elevator, Monk throws a scarf around Natalie's neck.]
Natalie: What're you doing?
Monk: We're reenacting the crime. You're the victim.
Natalie: Wh-what if the elevator starts up?! It'll get caught again!
Monk: It's not going to get caught.
Natalie: W— Then you be the victim!
Monk: N-n-n-n-no! Uh, Sharona was always the victim.
Natalie: I'm sure she was.
Monk: We have a system! It's a good system. There's an old saying: Don't... change... anything... ever.
Natalie: That's an old saying?
Monk: I've been saying it for years.

Daniel Thorn: Virtue is not one of my virtues.

Stottlemeyer: So, that means if I'm drunk as a skunk, completely plastered, I'm as smart as you?
Monk: Smarter!

Mr. Monk and the Election [3.15]

[Natalie refuses to drop out of the school board race after a sniper attack, so Capt. Stottlemeyer sets up protection.]
Stottlemeyer: And I'm assigning you a bodyguard. Lieutenant...
[Stottlemeyer pins a "Vote Teeger" button on Disher's lapel.]
Stottlemeyer: ...thank you for volunteering.
Natalie: He's my bodyguard?!
Stottlemeyer: 24/7!
Natalie: I'm still not dropping out.

[Disher tests some lasagna Whitman brought in]
Disher: A little too much oregano, but it's not poisoned.
Whitman: That's what every cook likes to hear.

Mr. Monk and the Kid [3.16]

[Stottlemeyer and Monk discuss two-year-old Tommy's discovery of a severed finger.]
Monk: Where did he find it?
Stottlemeyer: The boy's not talking.
Monk: Maybe he hates cops.
Stottlemeyer: Maybe he's two years old.

[Monk is babysitting Tommy.]
Teresa Crane: Now... before I go, do you have any questions for me?
Monk: Yes, yes, I have a couple of questions. What does he eat?
Teresa Crane: He... eats food. He eats whatever you eat, only smaller portions.
Monk: Oh. So he's like a person.

[Monk calls 9-1-1 while babysitting Tommy.]
911 Operator: You mean, you've never changed a diaper?
Monk: Hurry!
911 Operator: Okay, sir. On the side of the diaper there should be two Velcro straps.
Monk: Okay, I've got the straps.
911 Operator: Now rip 'em open!
[sound of Velcro ripping]
Monk: Oh! Oooohh! Oh, my God! Oh, the humanity!

Natalie: Oh, my God! What is this? Why is he wearing a helmet?
Monk: To protect his head.
Natalie: It must be so uncomfortable.
Monk: Oh, he'll get used to it. I used to wear one all the time.
Natalie: Your parents made you wear a helmet?
Monk: No.

[Monk is babysitting Tommy.]
Natalie: Oh my gosh, look! He's separating his food!
Tommy: Me separating food!

Season 4

Mr. Monk and the Other Detective [4.01]

[A less-competent detective arrives at the crime scene with all the answers.]
Monk: He's cheating!
Stottlemeyer: Monk, this isn't the fourth grade.
Monk: He's cheating!

Mr. Monk Goes Home Again [4.02]

Mrs. Gilstrap: I have to have a Neptune bar every night or else I can't sleep. Funny, isn't it? I guess we all have our little quirks.
Monk: [Nonchanantly] Yes, I suppose we do...

Mr. Monk Stays in Bed [4.03]

[Natalie's cell phone rings]
Monk: Natalie, it's me, Adrian Monk.
Natalie: Yes, Mr. Monk, we were just talking about you.
Monk: Natalie, you have to come back here.
Natalie: I can't right now, Mr. Monk, I'm at the pizzeria talking to the manager.
Monk: It's Ebola.
Natalie: Excuse me?
Monk: I think I have the Ebola virus.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk you do not have the Ebola virus.
Monk: I'm pretty sure I do, I have all the symptoms, I have the headache, the fever, the massive internal bleeding.
Natalie: You have massive internal bleeding?
Monk: Yes, I believe I do, that is my opinion.

[Monk is in bed and Natalie brings him some soup.]
Monk: I see letters!
Natalie: It's alphabet soup.

[While Monk's in bed Stottlemeyer visits him.]
Stottlemeyer: [pointing to machine] What's this?
Monk: Humidifier.
Stottlemeyer: [Pointing to other machine] And this?
Monk: De-humidifier.
[long pause]
Stottlemeyer: Well, don't they cancel each other out?
Monk: Exactly.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Office [4.04]

[Monk sees two police officers conversing at a crime scene.]
Monk: [to Natalie] They're talking about football. I have that one! Give me the cards.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, you don't need the cards.
Monk: Give me the cards.
[Natalie hands him the cards. Monk rummages through them.]
Monk: Let's see, weather, politics, movies, swear words...
Natalie: Swear words?
Monk: Here's football.
[He looks at the cards and approaches the officers.]
Monk: You guys are talking about the football game last night? The San Francisco 49ers lost 27 points to 21 points.
Police Officer #1: Yes, we know.
Monk: It was a hell of a fourth quarter, though. It was the turn-overs. They always comeback to haunt you.
Police Officer #2: Yeah, we were just saying Rattay can't handle the pressure. Why didn't they take him out?
[Monk thinks for a moment and goes back to the cards. He returns to the police officers.]
Monk: That's true about quarterback Tim Rattay. But don't forget, he won 4 out of the 5 last home games.
Police Officer #2: But they were in Houston, Monk.
[Long pause.]
Monk: You guys want to hear some swear words?

Mr. Monk Gets Drunk [4.05]

Monk: Isn't this great? Just two guys in a revolving restaurant...

Monk: You look like a moose. I think I'll call you... Mr Look-like-a-moose.

Mr. Monk and Mrs. Monk [4.06]

[Monk is in shock when faced with evidence that his wife Trudy faked her own death.]
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I'm not going to believe anything until I hear it from you. Is Trudy alive?
Monk: I don't know. But if it's true, then nothing is true. If this is true, nothing is true.

Monk: I got her back. For an hour and a half. I thought she might be alive. I had hope. Isn't hope the worst?

Mr. Monk Goes to a Wedding [4.07]

Natalie: Stay away from our family. We have enough problems.

Mr. Monk and Little Monk [4.08]

Sherry: Adrian helped me out of a jam when we were young. Was that 30 years ago?
Monk: April 12, 1972.
Sherry: You remember?
Monk: I only remember the date... and what everybody wore, and what everybody said, and what everybody did.

Mrs. Monk: You'll thank me later.

Adrian: I love you, Mom.
[He opens his arms to hug her.]
Mrs. Monk: What are you doing?
Adrian: Right, sorry.
[He puts down one of his bags and gives her a brisk handshake.]

Natalie: What was he like? As a kid?
Sherry: Pretty much the same. Careful, smart... sad.

Mrs. Ledsky: Here, take this one. I made it with exactly ten chocolate chips, like you like.
Adrian: [bites the cookie] You're an excellent cook, Mrs. Ledsky.
Mrs. Ledsky: It's a gift... [hand to her stomach] And a curse.

Mr. Monk and the Secret Santa [4.09]

Julie: I've never seen the snow. Is it beautiful?
Monk: Oh, yes. It's beautiful. You know, no two snowflakes are alike... and it's still beautiful.

Mr. Monk Goes to a Fashion Show [4.10]

Natalie: [after Hodge insults her outfit] He did it.
Monk: Natalie, he's not even a suspect.
Natalie: Damn!

[Natalie, wearing a black dress and sunglasses, approaches Randy, who is standing with one foot on a rock, his elbow on his knee, and his head on his fist, gazing into the distance]
Natalie: What are you doing?
Disher: Standing. This is how I stand. What are you wearing?
Natalie: Clothes. This is how I dress.
Disher: This is how I stand.
Natalie: This is how I dress.

[Randy has taken to wearing expensive suits after Hodge complimented him on his looks]
Stottlemeyer: Where's your notebook?
Disher: Oh, I don't have one. It's an Italian suit, it was ruining the lining. But don't worry, [points to his head] I'll remember it.
. . .
[after Monk proves that an apparent suicide was murder]
Stottlemeyer: Okay! Lock this place down, this is now a homicide investigation! Fabio, borrow a notebook, borrow a pencil, and start going door to door!

Monk: Natalie! Don't eat the food back there: I just saw two of the models throwing up.

Julian Hodge: [to Natalie] So, it's true what they say, huh? You can never judge a person by how they dress.
Natalie: Well, let me tell you about what you're going to be wearing. I hope you like orange. It's a little jumpsuit thing, it has a number right here. You can wear it anywhere, really. Indoors, walking around the yard...

Mr. Monk Bumps His Head [4.11]

[Disher tells Natalie that Monk has been found in Wyoming, where a trucker dropped him off.]
Natalie: Are they sure it's really him?
Lt. Disher: The trucker gave him a five dollar bill, the guy kept smoothing it out.
Natalie: He's alive!

Monk: [surrounded by bees] Could you do me a favor? Could you kill me, please?

Mr. Monk and the Captain's Marriage [4.12]

Mr. Monk and the Big Reward [4.13]

Mr. Monk and the Astronaut [4.14]

Natalie: [after convincing an astronaut and Monk to speak at a school] I'm gonna be parent of the year!

Monk: I'm half-man, half-wuss. I'm a muss.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Dentist [4.15]

"Don't Need a Badge"

I'm tired of suckin' up.
I'm tired of suckin' up and workin' for The Man.
Keepin' people down 'cause the Law book says I can.
Cuff my brothers and sisters, oh, it's not the way to be.
But, Honey, those days are gone, 'cause, Baby, I am free.
Well, I don't need a badge to tell me wrong from right.
I don't need a badge to tell me day from night.
I don't need a badge 'cause my eyes can see.
I don't need a badge 'cause, Baby, I am free.
It's been a long, long time cleanin' up the streets.
Now Papa's got a new gig, he's got a brand new beat.
It's called rock 'n' roll, and, Baby, I hold the key.
This guitar here's my badge and music set me free.
Well, I don't need a badge to tell me wrong from right.
I don't need a badge to tell me day from night.
I don't need a badge 'cause my eyes can see.
I don't need a badge 'cause, Baby, I am free.
Well, I'm feelin' real fed up, so you'd better be aware.
I'm done with all your rules, 'cause, man, I ain't no square.
Music is my savior, with that you must agree.
This guitar here's my badge and music set me free.
I don't need a gun to make me feel strong.
I don't need a captain shootin' me down all day long.
I don't need your moustache, don't you condescend to me.
I don't need nobody 'cause, Baby, I am free.
This guitar here's my badge.
Rock 'n' roll set me free.
This guitar here's my badge.
You better not try to take it from me.
I don't need a gun to make me feel strong.
I don't need a captain shootin' me down all day long.
I don't need your moustache, don't you condescend to me.
I don't need nobody 'cause, Baby, I am free.
No, I don't need nobody 'cause, Baby, I am free.

Mr. Monk Gets Jury Duty [4.16]

[Monk is yelling out a window to Natalie who is standing by a dumpster where a dead woman was found]
Monk: Who is she?
Natalie: No I.D.
Monk: No idea?
Natalie: [a little louder] No I.D.
Monk: No idea?
Natalie: [louder] No... [points to eye] I... [makes the shape of a "D"] D!
Monk: ...No idea?
Disher: No I.D.!
Monk: No idea?
Disher: NO I.D.!!
Natalie: [screams, exasperated] NO I.D.!!!
[long pause]
Monk: ...No idea?

Season 5

Mr. Monk and the Actor [5.01]

[After being threatened by Ruskin, dressed as Monk, the real Monk shows up]
Leverett: What are you guys, some kind of cult?

Dr. Kroger: And they canceled the movie [about you]?
Monk: [Ruskin] said he wanted to play a character who wasn’t so dark and depressing. [pause] He’s in England playing Hamlet.

Mr. Monk and the Garbage Strike [5.02]

Monk: The people woke up at five this morning and couldn't go back to sleep because it smelled like a buffalo died in the people's closet.

Monk: We'll burn down the whole city - and start all over again! Rebuild it, clean it! And we can even straighten out Lombard Street while we're at it.

[Monk is driving a lone garbage truck through the city.]
Disher: He's like a vigilante. A garbage vigilante.
Stottlemeyer: You could say that. But don't.

Monk: It's no secret that rock stars collect antiques, especially antique chairs.

Monk: Now it's true that Alice Cooper is a hippie, but he's the bad kind! The kind that breaks into other people's offices, beats them up, shoots them in the head, and steals their antique chairs!

Mr. Monk and the Big Game [5.03]

[Trying to get Natalie to stand on his hands to look on top of a locker]
Monk: [Locks his hands] Up you go.
Natalie: What?
Monk: Take a look, check it out. Up you go.
Natalie: Up you go.
Monk: Up you go!
Natalie: Up you go!
Monk: Up you go!
Natalie: I'm just the assistant!
Monk: I believe the word "assist" is a very large part of the word "assistant." Right, "assist", from the Latin, meaning, "UP YOU GO!"

Principal Franklin: Oh yes, Mr. Monk. We met last year at the, uhh, career day. How have you been?
Monk: The same.
Principal Franklin: Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

Natalie: So you've never won anything in your whole life?
Monk: Once, at a birthday party, I won a game of musical chairs.
Natalie: Well, that's something.
Monk: But then I was disqualified. A mother said I went counter-clockwise, or something.
Natalie: Well, at least you got invited to the party!
Monk: It was my party, okay, it was my mother.

[Monk, Natalie, and Julie are putting all of Monk's "Case Trophies" on his mantle.]
Monk: I'm gonna need a bigger mantle. Natalie! I'm gonna need a bigger mantle!
Natalie: Your mother would be so proud.
Monk: Oh, no she wouldn't. But it's still nice of you to say.

Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing [5.04]

Monk: Natalie, are you... flying?

Monk: [His answering machine] Hello. This is Adrian... Monk. Thank you for calling my new answering machine. When you hear the beep noise, please speak into the telephone receiver and leave a message, which I will play back and listen to later. This is the end of the message, and here is the beep... I was talking about.

[Stottlemeyer and a still-blind Monk enter the morgue.]
Stottlemeyer: Hello? [no answer] Well, we've got the place to ourselves, so to speak.
Monk: Do you see him? Do you see Eddie Murdoch?
Stottlemeyer: No.
Monk: Well, what do you see?
Stottlemeyer: Uh, people, just sitting around bloated, not talking. Kind of like Thanksgiving at my ex-wife's house.

Mr. Monk, Private Eye [5.05]

Natalie: It took Grandpa Neville's business a whole year before it finally took off!
Monk: Not everyone feels the same way you do about Grandpa Neville. For example, I was just thinking about how fun it would be to dig up his body and poke it with a bi-i-ig stick.
Linda Fusco: [enters] Who's Grandpa Neville? And why are we poking him with a stick?

Disher: You're the number one realtor in Northern California.
Linda Fusco: Tell me something I don't know.
Stottlemeyer: The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump.
Linda Fusco: Pardon me?
Stottlemeyer: You said tell you something you don't know and I told you that the only mammal who can't jump is your elephant.

Natalie: You can't swim?
Monk: To be honest, I don't know. I mean, I know how... all right, I took a correspondence course.
Natalie: You learned to swim by mail?
Monk: They sent me a little diploma! And, I've got this.
[He gives her a little card from his wallet.]
Natalie: "Swimming Fundamentals: Don't panic; Breathe normally; Flutter kicks..."
Monk: Can I have that back, please?
Natalie: Why would you even take the course? You never go in the water.
Monk: Hello, tsunamis?

[Before jumping off a boat to escape a killer, Monk quickly consults his card.]
Monk: "Don't panic" - forget that - "Breathe normally, flutter kicks..."

Stottlemeyer: Hey, there he is! There's Monk! Twenty degrees to port.
Disher: What's that next to him, is it a life preserver?
Stottlemeyer: Nah, it looks like a toilet seat.
Linda Fusco: Well, if it's floating, why doesn't he just grab it?
Stottlemeyer/Disher/Natalie: Uh...

Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion [5.06]

Natalie: Mr. Monk, why is your name on this spit-shield?
Monk: Well, when I was here, there was nothing protecting the food.
Natalie: So you donated all these? That was so generous of you!
Monk: Actually, it was more of a lawsuit. Took up a lot of my spare time.

[Monk remembers a woman using his back as a writing desk, and tries to remember what she wrote.]
Disher: Can he do that?
Natalie: It's how he met Trudy! It's his superpower!

Mr. Monk Gets a New Shrink [5.07]

[After taking a bullet for Dr. Kroger]
Krenshaw: Monk... Monk... Beat that!

Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert [5.08]

[Disher is dancing around in his Chris Ketter shirt holding a beer.]
Captain Stottlemeyer: [Pointing to Monk] He's a cop, I'm a cop, [Pointing to Disher] and he's a cop.
Man: [Referring to Disher] He's a cop?

Mr. Monk Meets His Dad [5.09]

Holding Cell Inmate: What are you doing?
Jack Monk: I'm speed-reading.
Holding Cell Inmate: What's your rush?
Jack Monk: I'm old.

Holding Cell Cop: Jack Monk, your son is here.
[Jack stands up and sees Stottlemeyer]
Jack Monk: I'm looking at you, but I see your mother.
Stottlemeyer: Uh, no sir, I'm Captain Stottlemeyer. This is Adrian.
Jack Monk: [covering] That man looks just like your mother!

Jack Monk: What I want? Two things. A: forgive me. Forgive your father. I was negligent and I was selfish, and I'm very sorry. And B is: get me the hell outta Dodge. But if you can only do one, I'll take B. I gotta be in Phoenix in the morning.

Adrian Monk: He never loved me! He doesn't love anyone except maybe Jack, Jr.!
Natalie Teeger: Jack, Jr.?
Adrian Monk: His other son! He gave him a bike! I never got a bike!
Natalie Teeger: [aside] There's another brother!
Stottlemeyer/Disher: Whoa...

[Jack and Adrian's truck is careening down the hill, out of control.]
Jack Monk: I gotta say something: I'm sorry! I'm sorry I wasn't there for you and Ambrose! I'm so sorry! Oh, I'm a bad father! That's all that matters!
Adrian Monk: You're not a bad father, look at Jack, Jr.!
Jack Monk: He's a putz!
Adrian Monk: What?
Jack Monk: Actually, he's not even a putz! He dreams one day of becoming a putz! He lives downstairs in my basement, he smokes pot all day long, he steals money from my wallet!
Adrian Monk: He's not a doctor?
Jack Monk: No, I made it all up! I lied! I wanted to have a son I could be proud of! I didn't know I had one in San Francisco.

Mr. Monk and the Leper [5.10]

Monk: You know the old saying, "There's no heart so black as the black, black heart of the phony leper."

Monk: He's not even a real leper!
Julie: Is he a leper-con?
Monk: What?
Julie: [Giggles] Is he magically delicious?

Natalie: Julie, fill the bath tub with listerine!

[Julie is taking some french fries out of the oven]
Monk: No! Your mom said no junk food. I'm supposed to be babysitting you.
Julie: Mom said I was supposed to be watching you!
Monk: You are mistaken.
Julie: Are you getting paid?
Monk: Of course I am.
Julie: How much?
Monk: I think that is between me and your mother. Are you?
Julie: Eight-fifty an hour.
Monk: An hour? [Pause] I guess you're the boss.

[Monk is STILL scrubbing his hands the next morning]
Natalie: Mr. Monk! All you did was shake the man's hand!
Monk: You're right. This isn't enough.
Natalie: You've been washing your hands for six hours!
Monk: [Takes out a can of kerosene, pours it all over his hand, and throws Natalie a lighter] Light me. Light me on fire.

Mr. Monk Makes a Friend [5.11]

Julie: [Referring to Monk's new friend, Hal] I like him.
Natalie: Me, too. I wonder what he's up to.

Mr. Monk Is At Your Service [5.12]

[Monk is seen rearranging the table setting for the party in five days, with all the maids standing around him]
Monk: This one's crooked.
Maid: [hesitantly] It's two-thirty in the morning! The party isn't until Thursday!

Mr. Monk is On the Air [5.13]

[Monk lost control and attacked a shock radio host while on the air. Stottlemeyer and Disher were listening.]
Stottlemeyer: I was thinking, Number One, it sounded like you got a few good shots in, I was proud of you; and Number Two, he sounded scared. Scared and guilty.

Mr. Monk Visits a Farm [5.14]

[Monk is seen getting off the bus.]
Monk: [talking to the driver] Thank you for letting me keep my bags with me. [pause] Is this where I get the bus to go back?
Driver: NO! [quickly shuts door and speeds off]

Disher: Unless I'm wrong... which I probably am...

Monk: [referring to the farm] Look at all this dirt!

Sheriff Margie Butterfield: Loosen up! What are you afraid of?
Monk: Well... pretty long list.

Mr. Monk and the Really, Really Dead Guy [5.15]

Monk: It's enough to make me LOL... out loud.

[Julie is seen teaching Monk about computers.]
Julie: Okay, Mr. Monk, this is called a mouse.
Monk: I know that, I haven't been living in a cave.
Julie: And this is a mouse pad...
Monk: Wow! It is so smooth!

Mr. Monk Goes to the Hospital [5.16]

[A man is being pushed in on a stretcher, with bandages on his head]
Receptionist: He has a head wound.
Monk: I have a head wound!
Receptionist: That is not a head wound, it's a nosebleed.
Monk: I happen to believe this very well might be a head wound.

Season 6

Mr. Monk and His Biggest Fan [6.1]

[Natalie tries to convince Monk to take place in an SFPD bachelor auction.]
Natalie: Don't you want to be a team player?
Monk: No.
Natalie: Don't you want to appear to be a team player?
Monk: Sure.

[Marci plays with dolls representing herself and Monk in a diorama of one of Monk's past cases.]
Marci: "Adrian. Should we call the Captain?" "Not yet, Marci. We need to gather more evidence. Natalie, get the car."
[Marci picks up a small yellow-haired doll and throws it across the diorama.]
Marci: [in falsetto] "On my way, Mr. Monk."
Natalie: Is that me? [Picks up the doll.] It's a troll doll.
Marci: Huh.

Marci: What do you think, Adrian?
Monk: I stopped thinking an hour and a half ago.

Monk: It's possible - there's a chance - she's not crazy. I mean, she's crazy, but she might not be wrong.
[Marci trots towards him with her arms spread.]
Monk: [shrinking away] Clue hug?
Natalie: Take it like a man.

[Marci's dead dog is being framed for a murder]
Marci: You're the detective, you figure it out! You do it all the time. The police have a theory and they think it's cut-and-dried, and then you come in and do your thing, like in "Mr. Monk and the Astronaut" or "Mr. Monk Goes Back to School" - oh, you remember that one?
Monk: No! Where are you getting these names?

Natalie: Marci, the police say the bite marks match up...
Marci: Yeah well, they're wrong! They make mistakes, you know? Maybe it was, I don't know, a frame-up.
Natalie: [giggles] They framed your dog?
Marci: [giggles sarcastically] Yeah, maybe they did frame my dog, Natalie! It's not totally unprecedented. What about "Mr. Monk and the Panic Room"? They tried to frame a monkey! See, things aren't always as they seem.
Monk: That's true...

Natalie: After all, you're only human.
Monk: There's no need for name-calling.

Mr. Monk and the Rapper [6.2]

Monk: What's up, killa?

Murderess: What is this, good cop, demented cop?

Monk: Let me give you the 4-1-1—that's the information.

Mr. Monk and the Naked Man [6.3]

Magneri: He threatened me once – at a zoning meeting. Hit me with a microphone.
Monk: He’s a nudist! That's what they do, they... they hit people with microphones.

Arlene: You don't have any...
Natalie: Proof? We found this. It was behind the toilet.
Monk: [grimaces] Behind your toilet!

Mr. Monk and the Bad Girlfriend [6.4]

Natalie: Randy, what we're about to tell you is absolutely confidential; you cannot repeat it to anybody.
Disher: Are you in love with me?
Natalie: What? No!

Mr. Monk and the Birds and the Bees [6.5]

Monk: Why would he wipe his feet?
Disher: You wiped your feet.
Monk: But I'm me, that doesn't count.

[Natalie is begging Monk to give Julie "the talk"]
Monk: When it comes to this particular issue, I am probably the least qualified person in North America...
Natalie: That's what makes you perfect! You waited for Trudy, you were faithful, you respected her! You're a wonderful role model.
Monk: Huh?
Natalie: this particular case.

[Monk is giving Julie "the talk"]
Julie: How do you know if what you're feeling is real?
Monk: I used to wonder the same thing. And when I met Trudy, I said to myself, "now I see. Now I see why I'm here."
Julie: Was it wonderful?
Monk: Yes. I loved falling in love with her. Every morning of every day, I fell in love with her again. I think what your mother has been trying to tell you is, don't worry. All your dreams will come true. But they don't have to come true this weekend, right? You can take your time. You can wait...
Julie: Until I find Trudy?
Monk: Just wait for Trudy. Believe in Trudy. Trudy will come.

Natalie: Tim, I've been waiting a long time to say this: Here's what happened...

Mr. Monk and the Buried Treasure [6.6]

[One of Troy Kroger's teenaged friends is admiring Natalie]
Ridley: How old do you think she is?
Troy: 34, maybe?
Ridley: That's twice my age.
Pez: So, when you're 60, she'll be 120!
[Both Troy and Ridley stare at Pez.]

Mr. Monk and the Daredevil [6.7]

Mr. Monk and the Wrong Man [6.8]

Mr. Monk Is Up All Night [6.9]

Mr. Monk and the Man Who Shot Santa Claus [6.10]

Monk: Oh, I hate Christmas.
Julie: How can you not like Christmas?
Monk: Well, you wouldn't like it either, if you hated it as much as I did.
Julie: But it's so joyful!
Monk: Don't get me started on joy. When you're older you'll understand. Joy is a trick, a diversion. It doesn't last forever. It breaks your heart every time. [honks the horn and yells out the window] DAMN JOY!

Monk: Mr. Kringle, are you on drugs?!?

Monk: [referring to why Santa Claus did not leave fingerprints] He was wearing gloves! Santa Claus gloves!

Monk: [trying to tell his side of the story] I can be as offensive as your father.
Natalie: I'm sure you can.

Dr. Kroger: So, before Trudy, what was Christmas like for you?
Monk: Bleak... depressing... the pain was unrelenting, thank you for asking.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, they can't all have been that bad.
Monk: Pick a year.
Dr. Kroger: Uh... 1964.
Monk: 1964, good choice. 1964... Mom was sick. Dad was... Dad was Dad. Ambrose locked himself in the basement, he's no fool. That Christmas I got one present - a walkie talkie.
Dr. Kroger: [being positive] Well, those can be fun. I had a pair of walkie talkies once...
Monk: Not a pair. One walkie talkie. Dad said I only needed one because I had no friends.

Mr. Monk Joins a Cult [6.11]

Stottlemeyer: She became a member of the world's oldest profession.
Monk: Stone mason, huh?
Stottlemeyer: No. Prostitute.

Monk: We sure showed him.
Natalie: Yeah, we did.
Monk: Oh, God! Did you remember to cancel that check?
Natalie: Yes.
Monk: We sure showed him.
Natalie: Yeah, we did.

Randy: [holding the Siblings of the Sun book] Monk, have you even read this thing?
Monk: Have you?
[Dr Kroger enters to find Randy shirtless and singing the cult's song with Monk.]

Monk: [about Father] I love him. He taught me what love really means.
Dr. Kroger: You used to say that about Trudy, Adrian. What do you think she'd say if she were here?

Mr. Monk Goes to the Bank [6.12]

[Monk is sitting on the floor in a locked bank vault.]
Monk: I'm gonna die, right here.
Natalie: No, you are not!
Monk: You're right. [stands up and points] I'm gonna die over here. I call this spot. The rest of you can die over there.
Stottlemeyer: That's it. Monk is no longer the morale officer.

Mr. Monk and the Three Julies [6.13]

Monk: At least I never dug Trudy up and had her stuffed and mounted, right?
Dr. Kroger: Yes, and I've always been very proud of you for that.

Natalie: Randy, I need to ask a favor...
Disher: The answer is yes.
Natalie: I need a gun.
Disher: The answer is no.

[about Randy dressing in drag to impersonate the suspect's elderly mother]
Surveillance Cop: This is a new low.
Stottlemeyer: Actually it's not a new low; that's the sad part.

Disher: What if he has a knife?
Stottlemeyer: He's right. We need a code, a phrase, in case he's in trouble...
Disher: Uh, how about, "Mother of God, he has a knife!"

Julie: You were a child once, right?
Monk: Very briefly.

Mr. Monk Paints his Masterpiece [6.14]

[Monk is painting in Natalie's living room, with all her furniture and stuff gone.]
Natalie: Mr. Monk, where is my stuff?
Monk: Outside.
Natalie: What if it rains?
Monk: Then it'll get wet!
Natalie: Mr. Monk, explain to me why my curtains are gone.
Monk: I needed the light! The eastern light!

Natalie: I did some research on your art friend, Mr. Monk, and nothing came up.
Monk: But he's... rich! Rich people are ungooglable!

Mr. Monk is on the Run, Part 1 [6.15]

Monk's Lawyer: I would also like to point out that, even if he wanted to flee, my client doesn't drive. He also has an obsessive fear of airplanes... and boats... and trucks... and trains.

Judge: Bail is set at $900,000.
[Monk whispers to his lawyer]
Monk's Lawyer: Uh... with the Court's permission, could you make it an even million?
Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God!

Monk: He broke into my house before the shooting...
Stottlemeyer: And raided your refrigerator?

Mr. Monk is on the Run, Part 2 [6.16]

Monk: Hey, thanks. Thanks for killing me.
Stottlemeyer: Hey, that's what friends are for.

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: [to his manicurist] I've been dreaming about you. Have you ever dreamed about me?
Manicurist: Sometimes.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I wonder if we've been having the same dream?
Manicurist: I doubt it.

Natalie: He kept saying that, he kept talking about trading places with you. He thinks he's getting out.
Monk: Well, if he's planning on squeezing through the bars, he's got 400 pounds to go.

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Are you having fun?
Monk: No... but it's as close as I'm ever gonna get.

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: It's true, Adrian Monk! I'm in prison! But you're in a worse prison! You're trapped! Trapped by your own demons! You're in your own private hell! I wouldn't trade places with you for a billion dollars! I mean, another billion dollars!
[Monk and Natalie walk away]
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: You hear me?! Come back here! I'm-not-done!
Monk: Oh, yes you are.

Season 7

Mr. Monk Buys a House [7.01]

[In the waiting room of Monk's new therapist]
Natalie: Oh, look! His first name is Neven: N-e-v-e-n. It's a palindrome. That's a good sign!
Monk: It's not a perfect palindrome. The first N is capitalized.
Natalie: Dr. Kroger's name was Charles. That wasn't a palindrome.
Monk: It was to me!

[Jake the repairman is inspecting Monk's new house]
"Honest" Jake: This is a fire trap. OK, we're gonna have to run a new line to here. We're gonna have to go through that wall, feed it up over here...
Monk: W-w-wait, wait. I love that wall. That's... that's my third favorite wall.

"Honest Jake": [holding a gun] I've got something to confess... I'm not so honest.

Monk: You didn't know me before I met Dr Kroger. I-I was a little messed up.

Mr. Monk and the Genius [7.02]

Patrick Clauster: Congratulations, Mr. Monk. You play a brilliant end game.
Monk: You know, I'm tired of all these chess metaphors, Patrick. These were two real people, not chess pieces. I think they deserve a little more respect. [starts to walk away, then turns back] Although if you insist, checkmate.

Mr. Monk Gets Lotto Fever [7.03]

Mr. Monk Takes a Punch [7.04]

Ray Regis: Adrian Monk, the detective? He's supposed to be the best.
Disher: The best of the best. Kind of like a superhero.
Stottlemeyer: [chuckles] He's good, but I wouldn't call him a superhero.
[Monk enters, wearing his purple jogging suit and headband, and stands with his fists on his hips]
Stottlemeyer: I guess I stand corrected.

Stottlemeyer: Monk, you're not going on welfare. If you go on welfare, I will shoot you.
Monk: Good. I'll get more money, won't I?

[The police have just arrested MacGraw for attempted murder to protect his collection of stolen art]
Disher: You should have just kept it all in the basement.
Daniel MacGraw: It's fine art, Lieutenant, it's meant to be savored. I never imagined my bride would invite a TV crew into my house while I was out of the country.
Stottlemeyer: So you didn't tell her it was stolen?
Daniel MacGraw: In hindsight, maybe that's something I should have mentioned.

Mr. Monk: I am the beast!

Mr. Monk is Underwater [7.05]

Monk: We're going down! I mean, down more.

Monk: Nobody's shaking hands, everybody's saluting! Maybe I should enlist.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, please don't enlist. Don't even joke about it.
Monk: Why not?
Natalie: Because I love America.

Monk: I'm pretty sure he killed himself.
Natalie: How'd you know?
Monk: I've been on board for fifteen seconds and I'm suicidal.

Monk: Oh God, Natalie, I've got ocean... in my pants!

Mr. Monk Falls in Love [7.06]

Mr. Monk's 100th Case [7.07]

[about Monk]
Randy Disher: Uh, yeah, he has some idiosyncrasies...
James Novak: Like what?
Disher: Uh, fear of heights, fear of germs, spiders, milk...
Natalie: Crowds, elevators, fire...
Disher: Rabbits, tunnels, bridges...
Natalie: Boats...
Disher: Decaffinated coffee...
Natalie: Lightning...
Stottlemeyer: The wind, he's afraid of the wind.
Disher: Egg whites.
Natalie: Bad.
Disher: Naked people. That one is way up there. I think it goes naked people, and then death.

James Novak: [about Trudy's murder] You didn't leave your house for nearly three years. Your psychiatrist said you'd never work again. Yet here you are, a hundred cases later. What keeps you going?
[long pause]
Monk: I can't die until I know.

Ralph "Father" Roberts: Do I remember Adrian Monk? That's like asking the Titanic if it remembers the iceberg.

Mr. Monk Gets Hypnotized [7.08]

Mr. Monk and the Miracle [7.09]

Mr. Monk's Other Brother [7.10]

[Monk has caught an escaped convict hiding in his apartment. Unable to get his pistol lockbox open in time, he just hits the convict over the head with it, and grabs the phone with his other hand.]
Adrian Monk: Don't move! There's a gun in here! Take my word for it.
"Joe Endicott": Adrian, wait! Who are you calling?
Monk: Who do you think?
Joe: No, wait! You don't want to do that!
Monk: I don't, huh?
Joe: No, come on! Put the phone down, and-and the "gun"!
Monk: Give me one good reason.
Jack Monk, Jr.: I'M YOUR BROTHER!

Stottlemeyer: Are you crying?
Jack Monk, Jr.: Yeah, a little. I mean, how would you feel if your pen pal thought you were a prowler?

Mr. Monk On Wheels [7.11]

Monk: It's a square tomato! You're doing the Lord's work!

[Monk is using one of the lab's square tomatoes for a sandwich]
Monk: [in bliss] I can taste the symmetry!

Mr. Monk And The Lady Next Door [7.12]

Mr. Monk Makes The Playoffs [7.13]

Mr. Monk And The Bully [7.14]

Mr. Monk And The Magician [7.15]

Mr. Monk Fights City Hall [7.16]

Season 8

Mr. Monk's Favorite Show [8.1]

Assistant: It's $1000 per week.
Monk: Okay, but I can't pay it all at once.

Mr. Monk and the Foreign Man [8.2]

Samuel Waingaya: Can you reach into my pants?
[Long pause]
Monk: Yes...

Mr. Monk and the UFO [8.3]

Monk: [lost in the desert] You win, dirt. Congratulations, dirt! Well played!

Mr. Monk is Someone Else [8.4]

[While Monk is masquerading as a mob hit man]
Harold Krenshaw: Adrian! Adrian!
Monk: Do I look like an Adrian to you?

Mr. Monk Takes the Stand [8.5]

Mr. Monk and the Critic [8.6]

[Monk sees the immaculately clean men's room at the theater, complete with attendant.]
Monk: This is the men's room?
Mr. Gilson: Mmm-hmm.
Monk: How long has this been going on?

Monk: I just went to the bathroom.
Natalie: [astonished] What, here? Wow! Congratulations, Mr. Monk, I'm proud of you. How was it?
Monk: It was magical.

Natalie: He did it! I don't know how he did it, but he did it.
Disher: [points to Monk] That's what he always says.

Mr. Monk and the Voodoo Curse [8.7]

Stottlemeyer: So you're the level-headed brave one now?

Monk: We live in the real world. It is governed by science, physics, laws of nature. There is always, always a non-Voodoo explanation for everything.

Mr. Monk Goes to Group Therapy [8.8]

Disher: He's killing people according to their phobias. This guy was afraid of heights, so he pushed him off the roof.
Monk: Augie wasn't afraid of heights. He was afraid of spiders.
Disher: That's different. He's killing people using the opposite of their phobias. The opposite killer.
Stottlemeyer: So you're saying the opposite of a spider is a tall building?

Disher: It's him. The Opposite Killer. That's his M.O.
Stottlemeyer: There is no Opposite Killer! If there was, you would have been killed by a falling rocket scientist years ago!

Harold Krenshaw: Here's what happened...

Happy Birthday, Mr. Monk [8.9]

Voice: Hands up! Any final words?
Natalie: Yes, I have something I wanna say. Happy birthday, Mr. Monk!

Mr. Monk and Sharona [8.10]

Mr. Monk Goes Camping [8.11]

Natalie: It's not too late to back out.
Monk: Oh no, I am doing this, I am playing the game.
Natalie: Well, at least try to have some fun.
Monk: Natalie, it's a game; it's not supposed to be fun.

Mr. Monk and the Dog [8.12]

[At Natalie's family reunion picnic.]
Anne Marie: Are you my uncle?
Adrian Monk: No, no. I'm your Aunt Natalie's boss.
Anne Marie: Really? Do you know her other boss? The crazy one?
Adrian Monk: ...Yes. I've met him once or twice.

Mr. Monk Is the Best Man [8.13]

Stottlemeyer: Whoever this guy is, he's ruining my life.
Disher: Well, that's supposed to be my job.
Stottlemeyer: Exactly.

[Joy, a bubbly flower shop owner, matches Natalie and Randy with their "floral soulmates," then turns to Monk and matches him with a cactus]
Joy: I found it. This... is your flower.
Natalie: It's plastic.
Joy: Mmm-hmm.
[Monk takes a sniff of the "flower."]
Monk: I love it.

[Stottlemeyer's fiancee has called off the wedding.]
Stottlemeyer: Monk... it's over.
Monk: Well, I'm not giving up! It's going to work out! You love her, you need her. She's your answer.
Stottlemeyer: She's my answer... where did you hear that?
Monk: Trudy used to say it... my Trudy.

Mr. Monk and the Badge [8.14]

Mr. Monk and the End (Part One) [8.15]

Trudy Monk: It won't be much longer...

Doctor: [to Monk] Someone is trying to kill you. And they may have succeeded.

Judge: His name is Adrian Monk. He'll put two and two together eventually and this case, two and two equals me. It would get rather personal. He'd come after me, try to kill me. He'd probably succeed. Because... twelve years ago, I killed his wife.

Mr. Monk and the End (Part Two) [8.16]

Trudy Monk: Unless I'm wrong, which I probably am...

Trudy Monk: [on a farewell message] If anything happens to me, Adrian, I just want you to know: you are not just the love of my life. You are my life.

Ethan Rickover: You're going to kill a federal judge?
Monk: Tonight, I'm the judge.

Molly Evans: I am in your life. I'm not going anywhere.

[last lines of the series]
Natalie: What are you doing?
Monk: Just checking to make sure the stove is off.
Natalie: Good thinking. You wouldn't want to go all the way across town with your stove on.
Monk: I know. That actually happened to me a few years ago...

Recurring quotes

Monk: It's a gift... and a curse.
Monk: You'll thank me later.
Monk: Unless I'm wrong, which, you know, I'm not...
Monk: Wipe.
Monk: I don't know how he did it. But he did it.
Monk: I just solved the case.
Monk: He's the guy.
Monk: I know how he did it.
Monk: Here's the thing...
Monk: Here's what happened...
Monk: That's what this whole thing has been about.
Monk: That doesn't make much sense. Hardly any, in fact.
Monk: We've been looking at this all wrong.
Monk: What are the odds of that?
Various characters: You can't prove any of this.


External links

Wikipedia has an article about:

Got something to say? Make a comment.
Your name
Your email address