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Pam Halpert
The Office character
Pam Beesley.jpg
First appearance "Pilot"
Portrayed by Jenna Fischer
Information
Gender Female born 3-25-1979
Occupation • Receptionist, Dunder Mifflin, Scranton PA
• Sales Representative, Michael Scott Paper Company
Sales Representative, Dunder Mifflin, Scranton PA
Family Cecelia Marie Halpert (daughter)
William Beesly (father, Rick Overton)
Helene Beesly (mother, Shannon Cochran and Linda Purl)
Penny Beesly (sister, Anna Camp)
Sylvia Beesly (grandmother, Peggy Stewart)
Jocelyn Webster (cousin)
Spouse(s) Jim Halpert (husband)
Children Cecelia Marie Halpert[1]
Based on Dawn Tinsley

Pamela "Pam" Morgan Halpert (née Beesly) is a fictional character on the U.S. television sitcom The Office, played by Jenna Fischer. Her counterpart in the original UK series of The Office is Dawn Tinsley.

Contents

Overview

Pam spends much of the series as the friendly but often frustrated receptionist at the Scranton branch of the fictitious paper-distributor Dunder Mifflin. As the series progresses, she becomes a sales rep for the branch. She can seem shy or hesitant to speak her mind, but enjoys chatting with her best friend, and later husband, Jim Halpert. She often helps Jim play pranks on his deskmate Dwight Schrute. Her boss Michael Scott often asks her to do strange office tasks, and mocks her about being a receptionist. At the beginning of the series she had been dating warehouse worker Roy Anderson since high school and had been engaged to him for three years.

Pam attended Valley View High School[3], as well as college[4], where she focused on art[4], and played volleyball[5], although she mentions disliking gym class in high school[3]. Jenna Fischer's backstory for the character describes her as an alumna of Marywood University, majoring in art education, but not graduating.[6] Later in the series, she returns to school to take art and animation classes[7] and in "Goodbye, Toby", she is selected to participate in a three month graphic design program at the Pratt Institute, where she also becomes a resident assistant. Pam has above average typing skills and is able to type ninety words per minute. Her favorite yogurt flavor is mixed berry, and she enjoys French Onion Sun Chips. In "The Dundies", she was banned from all Chili's restaurant chains due to sneaking drinks off of other customer's tables. In "The Fire", she reveals her favorite movies to be Fargo, Edward Scissorhands, Dazed and Confused, The Princess Bride, and The Breakfast Club, but she also enjoys Legally Blonde. She drives a Toyota Yaris hatchback in Bayou Blue Pearl, first seen in the third season episode "Grief Counseling" and knows how to change a tire.[8] She is Presbyterian.[9] In "Did I Stutter?" it is shown she is very nearsighted, and usually wears contact lenses instead of glasses. In a deleted scene, she says she has 20/400 vision. During the same episode it is revealed that her middle name is Morgan. In "Weight Loss", her weight is revealed to be 126 pounds. Her AIM Screen Name is Receptionitis15.

Character history

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Seasons 1–3

At the beginning of the series, Pam and Roy have been dating for eight years and engaged for three. Their open-ended engagement has become one of Michael's running gags and a sore spot for Pam.

Pam does not want her current job to become permanent, remarking that "I don't think it's many little girls' dream to be a receptionist." Pam is apathetic toward her work, evidenced by her frequent games of FreeCell on her office computer. However, in the pilot episode, she breaks down crying when Michael pulls an ill-advised prank by telling her that she will be fired.

Michael has criticized Pam for simply forwarding calls to voice mail without answering and (in a deleted scene) for not sounding enthusiastic enough when speaking on the telephone. Pam is usually happy to abandon her work if asked to do something else by Jim. She will do extra, unnecessary work (such as making a casket for a dead bird or paper doves for the Office Olympics) to make other people happy.

Despite the abuse she takes from Michael, she never goes any farther than calling him a jerk. In later seasons however, she becomes more honest and forward with Michael and will often make sarcastic comments toward him.

Pam denied, or was in denial about, having any romantic feelings for her friend Jim. After Jim confesses his love for her at the Dunder Mifflin "Casino Night" she turns him down. She later talks to her mom on the phone and says Jim is her best friend (though she doesn't say his name), and says "Yeah, I think I am" to a question that could be assumed to be "Are you in love with him?" or "Are you rethinking getting married to Roy?" Jim returns seconds later and kisses her.

In "Gay Witch Hunt," the first episode of the third season, it is revealed that Pam got cold feet before her wedding and did not marry Roy after all (to the dismay of Roy). Pam and Roy break up, and Pam moves into her own apartment.

Season three marks a turning point for Pam's character; she gains self-confidence and appears less passive and more self-assured as the season progresses. She begins taking art classes, a pursuit that Roy had previously dismissed as a waste of time, and buys a new car. She also participates in an art show, but only Oscar, Michael, Roy, and his brother attend. Oscar brings his partner along who, not knowing that Pam is standing behind him, criticizes her work by proclaiming that "real art requires courage." Oscar then goes on to say that courage isn't one of Pam's strong points. Later, Pam tells the documentary crew that she is going to be more honest, culminating in a dramatic coal walk during the next-to-last episode of the season, "Beach Games".

Jim and Pam appear to have ended all communication after Jim transfers to the Stanford branch, but he accidentally calls her at her desk one night when trying to reach Kevin's voice mail. Pam is delighted when Jim moves back into the Scranton office as a result of The Merger, but he soon reveals to Pam that he is seeing someone else, Stamford transfer Karen Filippelli. Pam still harbors feelings for Jim, but awkwardly denies this when confronted by Karen in "Ben Franklin."

Meanwhile, Roy becomes depressed, gains weight, and is eventually arrested for a D.U.I. This serves as a wake-up call to Roy, who vows to clean up his act and win Pam back. Roy's desire to reunite with Pam intensifies during Branch Closing when it's initially announced that the Scranton branch will be shut down permanently. Roy's efforts to improve his relationship with Pam are quite successful, but once Pam and Roy are back together, he falls back into old habits almost immediately. Pam later tells Roy that he has to do "boyfriend stuff" if they're going to stay together. Roy agrees to attend an after work get-together at a local bar with Pam and her coworkers. Pam, feeling that she should be more honest with Roy, tells him about Jim kissing her at "Casino Night." Roy yells, smashes a mirror, and trashes the bar. Pam, frightened and embarrassed by his reaction, breaks up with Roy immediately. Roy vows to kill Jim.

Roy unsuccessfully tries to attack Jim at work (Jim is saved by Dwight's intervention), and he's subsequently fired. Pam later agrees to meet Roy for coffee. After the polite but brief meeting, it appears that their relationship has ended amicably with Roy encouraging Pam to pursue Jim.

In "Beach Games", Michael takes the office on an outing to the beach in an attempt to search for a new regional manager, as he incorrectly believes he will be chosen for the open corporate position. After spending the day responding to Michael's usual antics, Pam—who has been trying to be braver and more self-assured for the entire season—determinedly participates in a coal walk and, high from the adrenaline of the activity, rushes over to Jim and, in front of not only him but the entire office, explains, "I called off my wedding because of you...I really miss you."

In "The Job," Pam has become much more assertive and doesn't regret her previous speech in "Beach Games". She states that she is happy that Jim is with Karen and that she hopes that she may find love too someday. As she is saying this, Jim interrupts her and asks her out for dinner. She happily accepts, visibly moved, forgetting what she was previously saying.

Seasons 4–6

In Season 4, Pam retains the assertiveness she developed in the third season. She wears her hair in a more loose style and has updated her old dowdy wardrobe.

In the season 4 premiere, "Fun Run", Jim and Pam confess that they have started dating after the camera crew catches them kissing. The office ultimately learns of their relationship in "Dunder Mifflin Infinity". In "Chair Model", after teasing Pam about his impending proposal, Jim tells the documentary crew he is not kidding around about an engagement and shows them a ring he bought one week after he and Pam started dating. In the next few episodes, Jim fake-proposes to Pam multiple times. In "Goodbye, Toby", Pam discovers she's been accepted at Pratt Institute, an art and design school in New York City. In an interview later in the episode, Jim announces that he will propose to Pam that evening. Just as Jim is preparing to propose, however, Andy Bernard stands up and makes his own impromptu proposal to Angela. Having had his thunder stolen by Andy, Jim reluctantly puts the ring back in his jacket pocket, leaving Pam visibly disappointed as she was expecting Jim to propose that night.

In the Season 5 premiere, "Weight Loss", Pam begins her three-month course at Pratt Institute. In this episode, Jim proposes at a rest stop saying that he "can't wait". In "Business Trip", Pam learns that she is failing one of her classes and will have to remain in New York another three months to retake it. Although Jim is supportive and tells her he will wait for her to come back "the right way", she ultimately makes the decision to return home, saying that she realized she hated graphic design and missed Scranton. In "Two Weeks", Pam agrees to become Michael's first saleswoman in his not-yet-established company, The Michael Scott Paper Co., as a supportive Jim looks on. When David Wallace makes an offer to buy the company Michael negotiates in order to get their jobs at Dunder Mifflin back instead, including adding Pam to the sales team. In "Company Picnic", Pam injures her ankle during a volleyball game and is taken to the hospital against her wishes. At the hospital, the camera crew is stationed outside an exam room while a doctor updates Jim and Pam on her condition. There is no audio as the camera shows Jim and Pam embrace, looking shocked and ecstatic. It is implied that the urine pregnancy test, given before a sonogram, had tested positive.

In the Season 6 premiere, "Gossip", Pam and Jim confirm that she is four months pregnant. In their wedding episode, titled Niagara, after lamenting their decision to involve other people in their wedding at all, she and Jim run away from the church and are married on deck by the captain of the "Maid of the Mist(in Niagara Falls)". They come back for the planned ceremony, where their friends and family dance down the aisle as shown in the popular YouTube video [1] – exactly the sort of thing that would have ruined the wedding had they not already secretly married. In "The Lover", Pam and Jim come back from their Honeymoon in Puerto Rico and Pam finds out Michael has been dating her mother, much to her horror and later fury. Pam struggles in her new job, making very few sales per month.

In "The Delivery" of Season 6, Pam begins having contractions at work, but refuses to go to the hospital until midnight, per her insurance coverage. This has Jim on edge, and as he, with comedic help from Michael and Kevin, finally tells her it's time to go, she reveals that she is really just afraid of delivery. Jim encourages her, and they rush to the hospital as Michael drives. In the second half of the episode, Cecelia Marie Halpert, named after the real life niece of actress Jenna Fischer[10], is born weighing in at 7 lbs 2oz.

Coworker relations

Jim

At the beginning of the series, Pam is the object of Jim's affection and his best friend though she is engaged to warehouse employee Roy Anderson. After fighting with Roy at Dundie Awards, a drunken Pam momentarily lets her guard down and kisses Jim. Pam's ambition to be an artist has been openly supported by Jim, while Roy continually derides it.

When Pam's mother visits in "Sexual Harassment" she asks Pam about Jim, and Pam's embarrassed reaction reveals that she has discussed him in private. Someone complains to Toby about Pam making wedding preparations in the office during work hours ("Conflict Resolution"), and while Pam initially assumes it was Angela, Jim confesses to Pam that he filed the complaint.

In the final episode of Season 2, after years of friendship, Jim tells Pam that he is in love with her. She gently turns Jim down, saying that his friendship is important to her, but he leaves her with tears in his eyes. Shortly afterward, Pam is clearly shaken and talking to her mother on the phone at Jim's desk, but quickly ends the call when Jim enters the office. He kisses her, and even though she returns the kiss, she tells him she still intends to marry Roy.

In the Season 3 premiere it is revealed that Pam called off her wedding to Roy, although not before Jim has transferred to the company's branch in Stamford, Connecticut and the two have seemed to have stopped speaking. When Jim moves back to Scranton due to the merger, Pam is enthusiastic while Jim remains cool. Jim's new relationship with Karen Filipelli, as well as Roy's attempts to win Pam back, cause their renewed friendship to be strained. In "Beach Games," Pam reveals to Jim (and the entire office) that she called off the wedding because of him—specifically that there were many reasons not to marry Roy, but none that mattered until she met Jim. In the Season 3 finale ("The Job"), Pam leaves an affectionate note in Jim's briefcase wishing him luck. When he finds it in his briefcase during the interview, it makes Jim realize that he is still in love with Pam. He leaves Karen in New York, returns to Scranton, and asks Pam to dinner. She tearfully accepts. (Note: This is both a nearly direct reference to, and a reversal of, the British series' Tim-Dawn relationship, in that Tim was the giver of the gift that made Dawn realize she wanted to be with him, resulting in the two getting together.)

In the Season 4 premiere, Jim and Pam have started dating, saying that "it's going really great". They initially try to keep it a secret but are forced to confess to the documentary crew after confronted with footage of them kissing. In "Chair Model" Pam tells Jim she has been accepted into the Pratt Institute for a three month program. In "Goodbye, Toby" Jim decides to propose to Pam that night at the party for Toby, even going so far as to pay Phyllis to buy fireworks. However, moments before Jim pops the question, Andy ruins the moment with an impromptu proposal to Angela.

In the Season 5 premiere, Pam is in New York at the Pratt Institute and Jim is in Scranton. In a talking-head interview, Jim says that he and Pam have not gotten engaged because Pam will be away for three months and doesn't want a long engagement (as her engagement to Roy was unpleasant and seemingly endless). The distance begins to take a toll on them, and at the end of the premiere episode, Jim asks Pam to meet him for lunch at a rest stop halfway between Scranton and New York. As Pam starts to tease Jim about the rest stop being "not halfway!" between their two locales, Jim drops his jacket and falls to one knee. To Pam's utter shock, Jim proposes then and there, saying "I can't wait." She happily accepts, and they kiss in the rain. In "Business Ethics", Jim and Pam announce their engagement to the rest of the office to no congratulations from anyone, save from Michael, who tackles Jim with a flying hug. In "Crime Aid" Jim and Roy end up at the same bar. When Roy asks about Pam, Jim reveals that they are engaged, then tells him how much fun Pam is enjoying her new friends. When Roy points out that Jim used to be just a friend, Jim becomes insecure before reassuring himself that they are "not that couple". In "Customer Survey", Jim listens in via Bluetooth when Pam's friend Alex suggests that she has no future in Scranton if she wants to further her career in art. Pam's return is uncertain when she learns she is failing one of her classes and would need to stay another three months to retake it. Jim tells her he will support her if she decides to stay, but Pam decides to come home without retaking it, saying she doesn't like graphic design and that Scranton is her home. In "Frame Toby", Jim surprises Pam with the news that he has bought his parents' house for them. Pam is nearly silent throughout a tour of the house, which culminates in the garage that he suggests could be converted to an art studio. As Jim sheepishly tells her that he knows it doesn't look great, Pam is overcome with emotion and exclaims that she loves it. In "Stress Relief", Pam's parents are having marital issues. After talking to Jim, Pam's father decides he wants a divorce. She initially blames Jim, but later learns from her father that "even at their best" he never felt the same amount of love for Pam's mother that Jim feels for Pam. In "Cafe Disco", Pam and Jim decide to elope as planning their expensive wedding is proving too stressful. But after partying with coworkers in Michaels' cafe disco, they realize that they really do want a traditional wedding, however cheesy it may be. In "Company Picnic", when Pam has her ankle examined after injuring it in the company volleyball tournament, the doctor gives her and Jim some surprising news that causes them to be ecstatic; though it is not heard, it is suggested that Pam is pregnant.

In the Season 6 premiere, Jim and Pam reveal her pregnancy to the rest of the office despite wanting to hide that fact until after their wedding. After a series of mishaps on the eve and morning of their wedding, they run off to be secretly married by a captain on the deck of the Maid of the Mist, only to return for their planned ceremony without telling anyone where they have been.

In the two part episode "The Delivery" Pam and Jim finally have a daughter named Cecilia Marie Halpert, weighing 7lbs, 2oz and 18 inches long.

Roy

Pam has dated Roy since high school, but has become so comfortable in the relationship that she ignores his faults. They were engaged for three years without ever setting a wedding date, until Roy set a wedding date during Booze Cruise. Roy openly admits to being attracted to Angela and to Katy (the purse salesgirl) with Pam right next to him. He bosses her around, ignores her at parties, makes fun of her interest in art, and offers her sex as a gift on Valentine's Day. Jim, with a hint of disgust, comments in Season 2 that Pam does not like to "bother" Roy with her "thoughts or feelings" and previously noted that her job and Roy seemed to be the only two problems in Pam's life.

In "The Client," it is revealed that on Pam and Roy's first date, he took her to a minor-league hockey game, brought his brother and left her there when she went to the bathroom and the game ended.

When Jan informs Pam of a graphic arts internship offered by Dunder Mifflin, and Pam expresses enthusiasm, she becomes unsure about taking it after arguing with Roy, who objects to the opportunity (while Jim supports it). Pam elects not to take the internship, saying that the impracticality of it was the deciding factor (followed by a moment of her breaking down into tears), but Roy's role in cajoling her to change her mind is undeniable.

Between Seasons 2 and 3, Pam decides they are no longer engaged nor a couple anymore, which sends Roy into a downward spiral. He eventually gets arrested for driving under the influence, but he also vows to turn his whole life around and become more supportive and friendlier to win Pam back. For a time, this works out for him, as they reconcile and get back together.

However, the reconciliation is ultimately short-lived. In an attempt to be completely honest with Roy, she tells him that Jim kissed her during "Casino Night." Roy reverts to type and becomes violent, which forces Pam to break up with him for a second time. The next day, Roy confronts Jim—but just as he is about to hit him, Dwight steps in and sprays pepper spray in Roy's eyes. Shortly after the altercation, Roy is fired from his job at Dunder Mifflin, and he apologizes to Jim for the incident.

After losing his job, Roy meets up with Pam for lunch and discusses her relationship with Jim, proceeding to tell her that Jim is more deserving of her than he is, as well as encouraging her to at least try to get together with Jim (even though he is dating Karen at the time). After lunch they share one last hug, officially ending their relationship, and part ways. In an edition of the "Dunder Mifflin Newsletter", Daryl writes that he does not keep in contact with Roy and thus doesn't know what Roy's been up to since losing both his job and Pam.

Roy's last name was revealed in the episode "Conflict Resolution" when Angela held Roy's and Pam's wedding invitation up to the camera. Roy's last name is Anderson, which means that if Pam had married Roy, her name would have been Pam Anderson. Pam makes mention of this at the start of season 4, saying, "Almost marrying Roy Anderson was as close to Pamela Anderson as I want to be".

Toby

Toby, the Human Resources Representative for Dunder Mifflin in the Scranton branch, has secretly harbored a crush on Pam. Pam is likely aware of this, especially after Toby's awkward advances toward her and seemingly related departure from Dunder Mifflin at the end of Season 4. However, she treats Toby kindly and feels sorry for him. In one of her interviews, she states that she finds him "cute". In season two's episode, "The Fire", during the all female game of "Who Would You Do", Pam says that Toby is "cute."

Toby's crush seems to have disappeared in later seasons. In the season 6 episode of "Double Date", Toby is aware of Pam hitting Michael and speaks with her about it, with her assuring him that it won't occur on company property. Toby then coaches Pam on how to properly hit someone.

Appearances

Pam has appeared in every episode with the exception of "Business Ethics", "Mafia" and "St. Patrick's Day" in which her voice is only heard.

References


Quotes

Up to date as of January 14, 2010
(Redirected to The Office (US) article)

From Wikiquote

The Office (2005–) is an American NBC situation comedy and mock documentary, based on the British show of the same name, set in a paper-products office in Scranton, Pennsylvania where Michael Scott manages a group of employees, and does a remarkably poor job of it.

The Office (UK) has a separate Wikiquote page.

Contents

Season 1

Pilot [1.01]

Michael: [re: downsizing] Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.

Michael: People I respect, heroes of mine, would be: Bob Hope, um, Abraham Lincoln, definitely, Bono... uh, and probably God would be the fourth one. And, I just think all those people really, uh, helped the world in so many ways, that it's, um, it's really beyond words. It's really incalculcable.

Diversity Day [1.02]

Michael: Abraham Lincoln once said that "If you are a racist, I will attack you with the North," and those are the principles I carry with me in the workplace.

Pam: [during a role-playing exercise; to Dwight, who's supposed to be Asian] Okay, if I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue and that I do not agree with, you would maybe...not be a very good driver.
Dwight: Aw, man! Am I a woman?

Health Care [1.03]

Jim: Wait, what are you writing? Don't write ebola or mad cow disease, all right? [Shows Pam his sheet; he has circled every disease on it] Because I'm suffering from both of them.
Pam: [Laughs] I'm inventing new diseases.
Jim: Oh, great.
Pam: So, like, let's say that my teeth turn to liquid and then they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?
Jim: I thought you said you were inventing new diseases. That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
Pam: Nice.

Dwight: OK, first let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael: Uh, none. You're picking a healthcare plan.

The Alliance [1.04]

Meredith: [reading her birthday card] This one's from Michael. "Let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age."
Michael: Get it? 'Cause of the downsizing. Rumors. And 'cause you're getting old.
Meredith: I... get it.

Michael: When I retire, I—I don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I want to be the guy who gives everything back. I want it to be like: "Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?" "Umm, well, uh, I don't know. It was anonymous." "Well, guess what? That was Michael Scott!" "But-- it was anonymous, how do you know?" "...Because I'm him!"

Basketball [1.05]

Oscar: [who is of Mexican descent] I can play basketball if you need any help.
Michael: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.

Michael: [trying to motivate the employees for a basketball game] I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that dwarf from Lord of the Rings.
Dwight: Gimli.
Michael: Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.

Hot Girl [1.06]

Dwight: The purse girl hits everything on my checklist: creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.

Roy: Hey Jimmy, what do you think about purse girl?
Jim: Cute, sure.
Roy: Why don't you get on that?
Jim: She's not really my type.
Roy: What are you, gay?
Jim: Mmm... I don't think so, nope.
Kevin: Well what is your type?
Jim: Moms primarily. Yup. Soccer moms, single moms, Nascar moms, any type of mom, really.
Roy: That is disgusting.
Kevin: Stay away from my mom.
Jim: Too late, Kev.

Season 2

The Dundies [2.01]

Michael: A lot of the people here don’t get trophies very often, like Meredith or Kevin, I mean who’s going to give Kevin an award, Dunkin’ Donuts? Plus, bonus, it’s really really funny. So I, you know, an employee will go home, and he’ll tell his neighbor, “Hey, did you get an award?” And the neighbor will say, “No man. I mean I slave all day and nobody notices me.” Next thing you know, employee smells something terrible coming from the neighbor’s house. Neighbor’s hanged himself, due to lack of recognition.

Pam: You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.

Sexual Harassment [2.02]

Michael: Attention everyone, hello! Yes, I just want you to know that this is not my decision but from here on out, we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here, we must only discuss work associated things. And uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.
Jim: Does that include "That's what she said?"
Michael: Mmm hmm, yes.
Jim: Wow. That is really hard. ...You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so...
Michael: That's what she said!

Dwight: [to Toby] You said we could come to you if we had any questions... Where is the clitoris? On the website it said "at the crest of the labia." What does that mean? ...What does the female vagina look like?
Toby: [talking head] Technically, I am in Human Resources, and Dwight was asking me about human anatomy. Um... I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly.

Office Olympics [2.03]

Dwight: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60-acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to the local stores and restaurants. It’s a nice little farm... sometimes teenagers use it for sex.

Dwight: I have been Michael’s number two guy for about 5 years, and we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like... Mozart's friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like... Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you’re gonna get a bullet in the head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

The Fire [2.04]

Michael: Yes, I was the first one out. And yes, I’ve heard "women and children first". But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweatshop, thankfully. And women are equal in the workplace by law. So if I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.

Dwight: I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted.

Halloween [2.05]

Phyllis: [to Dwight in costume] Are you a monk?
Dwight: I'm a Sith lord!!

Michael: [while on hold with Sherry] I wish I could fire Sherry.
Sherry: I'm still here, Michael.
Michael: Err... OK, Sherry. Thank you.

The Fight [2.06]

Dwight: I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War Two veteran. Killed twenty men then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father... battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.

Michael: Would I rather be feared or loved? Umm... easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

The Client [2.07]

Michael: [on the phone] I don't understand... you want to see other people? ...Only other people?

Jan: Do you always shut down the entire office when you leave for an hour?
Michael: No. No, that would not be efficient... Actually, they just don't get a lot of work done when I'm not here... That's not true. I know how to delegate. And they do more work when I'm not here... Not more... the same amount of work is done whether I am here or not.

Performance Review [2.08]

Michael: Pam, you're trustworthy.
Pam: Thank you.
Michael: And a woman.
Pam: Oh no.

Angela: I actually look forward to performance reviews. I did the youth beauty pageant circuit, and I enjoyed that quite a bit. I really enjoy being judged. I believe I hold up very well to even severe scrutiny.

Email Surveillance [2.09]

Dwight: I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections... there are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we're downriver from that old bread factory...

Jim: My roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm making Dwight up. [sighs] He is very real.

Christmas Party [2.10]

Phyllis: Everyone, this is my boyfriend Bob.
Kevin: Kevin Malone.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Stanley: Stanley Hudson.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan: Ryan Howard.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
[pause]
Ryan: What line of work you in, Bob?

Michael: Happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame.

Booze Cruise [2.11]

Michael: You know what Brenda, could we have a moment alone?
Brenda: Jan said if you asked me that I was supposed to say no.

Jim: You know what? I would save the receptionist. Just wanted to clear that up.

The Injury [2.12]

Michael: What do I write under "reason for visit?"
Jim: Concussion. [Michael scratches something out] What'd you write?
Michael: ..."Bringing someone to the hospital."
Jim: Oh, you thought they meant your reason for visit.
Michael: No, you know what? This isn't about me anymore.

Michael: Pam, will you rub butter on my foot?
Pam: No.
Michael: Please? I have Country Crock.

The Secret [2.13]

Ryan: If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know that I'd ever been here. And I'd forget, too.

Pam: What did you guys talk about?
Jim: Oh, just you know—politics, literature... [holds up Hooter's T-shirt]
Pam: I hate you.

The Carpet [2.14]

Michael: I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and would applaud as I walked away.

Michael: Last week I would've given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would've reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them, but now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask so they can hear me say, "Uhh... no, I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney."

Boys and Girls [2.15]

Dwight: It's a terrible idea.
Jim: What is?
Dwight: Them in there all together. They stay in there too long, they're gonna get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing.

[Dwight and company are descending into the warehouse for a "mens-day"]
Dwight: Remember on Lost when they met "the Others"?

Valentine's Day [2.16]

Dwight: Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. Snare it. Then to keep it happy, you have to tame it. Feed it, care for it. Lovingly. The way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.

Jan: Nervous? No, I'm not nervous. Well, I mean, I guess I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little nervous. Um, the new CFO is judging me on this too. And, well, it is Michael. So... yeah, I’m very nervous.

Dwight's Speech [2.17]

Dwight: [giving a speech at a paper selling conference] BLOOD ALONE MOVES THE WHEELS OF HISTORY!

Dwight: When I was in the 6th grade, I was a finalist in our school spelling bee. It was me against Raj Patel. And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word "failure".

Take Your Daughter to Work Day [2.18]

Michael: Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and... I have a great one. "Little Kid Lover". That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.

Michael: This is Creed, and he is in charge of... something... right?
Creed: That is correct.

Michael's Birthday [2.19]

Dwight: [After he didn't tip the sub man] Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

Toby: Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from that e-mail?
Michael: You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed King of Nigeria e-mails you directly asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country, okay?

Drug Testing [2.20]

Angela: Do you want to give Michael your urine?
Dwight: [deeply sincere] I want him to have all the urine he needs.

Jim: Last week, Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. And as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is scarier than most people using drugs.

Conflict Resolution [2.21]

Dwight: Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffle bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

Jim : Dwight tried to kiss me.
Michael : What?
Jim : And I didn't tell anyone, 'cause I'm not really sure how I feel about it.
Dwight : That is not true. Redact it. Redact it!
Jim : Well, I'm not actually making a formal complaint. I just really think we should talk about it.

Casino Night [2.22]

Darryl: I taught Mike some, uh, some phrases to help with his interracial conversation. You know, stuff like, "fleece it out," "going mach 5," "dinkin' flicka." You know, things us Negroes say.

Michael: I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Jim: Oh, I think you mean the Aid to Afghanistan.
Michael: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael: What?
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael: That's a dog.
Pam: No, that's afghan.
Michael: That's a shawl.
Dwight: Wait, canine AIDS?
Michael: No, humans with AIDS.
Creed: Who has AIDS?
Jim: Guys, the Afghanistananis.

[In reference to Michael's plan to invite the boy scout troop that the proceeds will be donated to]
Toby: Actually they won't be here because it is a school night, it is in an industrial warehouse, there will be alcohol, gambling... do I need to continue or is that enough?
Michael: I hate... so much... about the things you choose to be.

Jim: I was just, um... I'm in love with you.
Pam: What?
Jim: I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that, I just—
Pam: What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?
Jim: I just needed you to know. Once.
Pam: Well, I, um—I can't...
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: You have no idea—
Jim: Don't do that.
Pam: —what your friendship means to me.
Jim: Come on. I don't want to do that. I want to be more than that.

Season 3

Gay Witch Hunt [3.01]

Ryan: Yeah, I'm not a temp anymore. I got Jim's old job. Which means at my ten year high school reunion, it will not say "Ryan Howard is a temp". It will say "Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a midrange paper supply firm". [pause] That'll show 'em.

Creed: I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the 60's I made love to many, many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain... and it's possible a man slipped in. [shrugs] There'd be no way of knowing.

The Convention [3.02]

Michael: I love inside jokes. I'd love to be a part of one someday.

Michael: Ain't no party like a Scranton party cause a Scranton party don't stop!

The Coup [3.03]

Dwight: [crying] The Sebring is cool! The Sebring is so cool! Please don't fire me Michael, I'll do anything!

Michael: Hey, I thought you weren't supposed to eat anything for a couple hours after you've had a crown put it?
Dwight: ...They have this new kind of quick-drying bonding.
Michael: Oh? sounds like a good dentist.
Dwight: Yeah...
Michael: What's his name?
Dwight: ...Crentist.
Michael: Your dentist's name is Crentist... huh. Sounds a lot like dentist.
Dwight: Maybe that's why he became a dentist?

Grief Counseling [3.04]

Michael: I lost Ed Truck... and it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears... and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer... and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone... and I'm crying, and nobody can hear me, because I'm terribly, terribly... terribly alone.

Dwight: When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.

Initiation [3.05]

Dwight: Just as you have planted your seed into the ground, I will plant my seed into you.
Ryan: I don't think you know what you're saying.

Pam: What time is it there?
Jim: What time is it here? Um, we're in the same time zone.
Pam: Uh, oh, yeah, right.
Jim: How far away did you think we were?
Pam: I don't know. It felt far.
Jim: ...Yeah.

Diwali [3.06]

Michael: And another thing about the Indian people, they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Who has seen that before?
Creed: I have. That's the Union of the Monkey.
Meredith: Oh, that's what they call it!
Kevin: This is the best meeting that we have ever had.

Karen: Andy! No a cappella!

Branch Closing [3.07]

Michael: It is an outrage, that’s all. They’re making a huge, huge mistake. Let’s see Josh replace these people. Let’s see Josh find another Stanley. You think Stanleys grow on trees? Well, they don’t. There is no Stanley tree. Do you think the world is crawling with Phyllises? Show me that farm. With Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place, ripe for the plucking. Show me that farm.

Angela: I don't want to blame anyone in particular. I think everyone's to blame.

The Merger [3.08]

Andy: I'll be the number-two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like a... carpenter... that makes stairs.

Dwight: Hello. I don't believe we've been introduced. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.
Andy: Andy Bernard, Regional Director in charge of Sales.
Dwight: So you'll be reporting to me then.
Andy: On the contrary.
Dwight: My title has "manager" in it.
Andy: And I'm a director. Which on a film set is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film?
Dwight: I know everything about film. I've seen over 240 of them.

Kelly: Jim! Oh my God, I have so much to tell you. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby, and they named it Suri! And Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie also had a baby, and they named it Shiloh! And both babies are amaziiiing!
Jim: Wow, so, uh, what's new with you?
Kelly: [blank stare] I just told you.

The Convict [3.09]

Dwight: I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals.

Michael: I'm Prison Mike! You know why they call me Prison Mike?!
Angela: Do you really expect us to believe that you're another person?
Prison Mike: Do you really not expect me to throw you up against that wall, biatch?!
Jim: Where did you learn all of this?
Prison Mike: Internet.
Jim: So, not prison.
Prison Mike: And prison. Fifty-fifty... both. Look, prison stinks is what I'm saying. It's not like you can go home and recharge your batteries, and come back in the morning and be with your friends, having fun in the office.
Jim: What did you do, Prison Mike?
Prison Mike: I stole. And I robbed. And I kidnapped... the President's son. And held him for ransom.
Jim: That is quite the rapsheet, Prison Mike.
Prison Mike: And I never got caught neither!
Jim: Well, you are in prison. But mmhmm.

A Benihana Christmas [3.10]

Dwight: [bringing in a dead goose] I accidentally ran over it. It's a Christmas miracle!
Toby: C'mon, Dwight, we talked about this: no dead animals in the office.

Michael: I'd like everybody's attention. Christmas is cancelled.
Stanley: You can't cancel a holiday.
Michael: Keep it up, Stanley, and you'll lose New Year's.
Stanley: What's that mean?
Michael: Jim, take New Year's away from Stanley.

Ryan: I miss the days when there was only one party I didn’t want to go to.

Michael: Bros before hoes. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho, and you told her that she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hoes in the world. And then suddenly...she's not yo' ho no mo'.

Michael: Why do I feel like crap?
Jim: You just had a rebound.
Michael: A rebound?
Jim: Yeah. Which, don't get me wrong, can be a really fun distraction, but when it's over... you're left thinking about the girl you really like— the one that broke your heart.

Back From Vacation [3.11]

Pam: [seeing a picture of Michael and Jan in Jamaica] Oh my God, is that Jan?
Michael: No... that's a German woman named... Urkel... grue.

Michael: Jan? You complete me.
Jan: ...Oh god.

Traveling Salesmen [3.12]

Michael: Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice... strike three.

Jan: And where it asks you to state your business he wrote, "Beeswax, Not Yours, Inc."

The Return [3.13]

Jim: I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win.

Michael: I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I am going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.

Ben Franklin [3.14]

Dwight: I don't care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure.

Michael: Guys! Beef: it's what's for dinner! Who wants some man meat?
Dwight: I do! I want some man meat!
Jim: Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.
Michael: Well then, my man meat he shall have.

Phyllis' Wedding [3.15]

Dwight: I saw "Wedding Crashers" accidentally. I bought a ticket for "Grizzly Man" and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Cause that’s the thing about bear attacks... they come when you least expect it.

Kelly: Are you all right? This must be so awful for you.
Pam: What do you mean?
Kelly: Well, this was supposed to be your wedding.
Pam: Oh, um, no, that's, um, it's actually fine.
Kelly: There's no way it's fine, I'm sorry. If I was you, I would just like freak out, and get really drunk, and then tell someone I was pregnant.
Pam: Okay, that's a lot of good ideas. Thanks.

Business School [3.16]

Dwight: Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, I do not do that thing.

Michael: There are four kinds of business: tourism, food service, railroads, and sales. And hospitals/manufacturing. And air travel.

Cocktails [3.17]

Jan: I am taking a calculated risk. What's the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self-loathing. Downside... I date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star. Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh my god, what am I saying?

Michael: I love you, Jan.
Jan: Okay.

The Negotiation [3.18]

Jim: I guess, all things considered, I was lucky Dwight was there. And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray, and not the nunchucks or the throwing stars.

Toby: I don't think Michael intended to punish me by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But, if he did intend that... wow. Genius.

Michael: It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed.

Safety Training [3.19]

Dwight: Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned?
Jim: Andy, Dwight says welcome back and he could use a hug.
Dwight: Okay, tell him that that's not true.
Jim: Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.
Dwight: Okay, no, Jim, tell him bears can climb faster than they can run. [Andy walks away] Jim! Tell him!
Jim: Andy... nah, that's too far.
Dwight: Damn you.

Michael: I saved a life: my own. Am I a hero? I really can’t say... but, yes.

Product Recall [3.20]

Creed: Every week, I'm supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And of course the one year I blow it off, this happens.

Andy: Beer me!
Jim: What's that?
Andy: Hand me that water. I always say, "Beer me." Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time.
Jim: Lord, beer me strength.

Women's Appreciation [3.21]

Dwight: I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.

Dwight: I know what you're thinking. Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take. Pam, you can draw, kind of, why don't you work with Phallus on drawing a picture of the exposer that I can post around the community.
Pam: Phallus?
Dwight: Phyllis, sorry. I've got penises on the brain.

Michael: There's a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me, I wished for Phyllis a plasma TV, I wished for Pam to gain courage, I wished for Angela a heart, and for Kelly a brain...

Beach Games [3.22]

Kevin: I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted.

Michael: Andy Bernard. Pros: he's classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don't really trust him.

Dwight: Sabotage.
Angela: What? You need a sandwich?
Dwight: No, that is what I said earlier. Now I'm saying sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team.
Angela: I know you said sabotage, I was giving you an example of it. I will misunderstand everything Andy says until he goes insane.
Dwight: If Michael organizes a group hug later, stand next to me.

The Job [3.23]

Michael: I have got it made in the shade. I know this company. The other branch managers are total morons. [calls Pam] Hey Pam, yeah. I forgot what day the interview was and I drove to New York accidentally. Be like three hours late.

Ryan: Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed's brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I've read some of it. Even for the Internet, it's... pretty shocking.

Dwight: Once I'm officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable, fictional, and overqualified.

Dwight: Don’t you want to earn Schrute bucks?
Stanley: No. In fact, I’ll give you a billion Stanley nickels if you never talk to me again.
Dwight: What’s the ratio of Stanley nickels to Schrute bucks?
Stanley: The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.

Pam: I haven't heard anything, but I bet Jim got the job. I mean, why wouldn't he? He's totally qualified, and smart, everyone loves him. And if he never comes back again, that's okay. We're friends. And I'm sure we'll stay friends. We just... we never got the timing right, you know? I shot him down and then he did the same to me, but you know what? It's okay. I am totally fine. Everything is going to be totally...
[Jim walks in on interview]
Jim: Pam. [to camera] Sorry. [to Pam] Um, are you free for dinner tonight?
Pam: Yes.
Jim: All right. Then... it's a date.
[Jim leaves. Pam smiles and tears up]
Pam: I'm sorry, what was the question?

Season 4

Fun Run [4.01]

Pam: [answering the phone] Michael Scott's Dunder Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness...
Michael: Pro-Am!
Pam: ...Pro-Am Fun Run Race For The Cure, this is Pam. They hung up.

Michael: I ran down Meredith in my car.
Ryan: Did you do this on purpose?
Michael: No, I was being negligent. But she's in the hospital. She's fine, recovering nicely. Tiny little crack in her pelvis. But she will be up in—
Ryan: Did this happen on company property?
Michael: Yes. It was on company property with company property, so... double jeopardy. We're fine.
Ryan: I don't think you understand how double jeopardy works.
Michael: Oh right, I'm sorry. What is, "We're fine?"

Michael: Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.

Angela: [after Dwight feeds her cat] Any problems?
Dwight: Well, you left the TV on. Also, your cat is dead.

Michael: Kelly, you're a Hindu, so you believe in Buddha.
Kelly: That's Buddhists.
Michael: Are you sure?
Kelly: No.

Dunder Mifflin Infinity [4.02]

Michael: Yeah, Ryan snapped at me. But there was this twinkle in his eye that I picked up on which said, "Dude, we're friends. I'm doing this for appearances. I am the big boss now. And I have to seem like an ogre. But you know me and you trust me. And we like each other. And we'll always be friends. And I would never take you for granted in a million years. And I miss you, man. And I love you." His words.

Creed: Hey, brah. I've been meaning to ask you. Can we get some Red Bull for these things? Sometimes a guy's gotta ride the bull, am I right? Later, skater.

Michael: Computers are about trying to murder you in a lake.

Dwight: [to Angela] I just wanna be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.

Michael: WHERE ARE THE TURTLES?!

Launch Party [4.03]

Dwight: I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me but I never intended to use them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows. Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them.

Michael: It was a pretty disappointing day. It was kind of a slap in the face, to realize that I wasn't as important as I thought I was to a certain young executive. Who I had cared about. But you know, I'm not going to cry about it. I did that on the way home.

Angela: I can't do this. I can't do it.
Michael: Yes you can. I know you can. I wouldn't say it if I didn't 100% believe it. Who else could do this?
Angela: Okay. Okay.
Michael: No seriously, is there anyone else who could do it better? Because we don't have a lot of time.

Stanley: Find anything?
Kevin: I think it's a straight-forward kidnapping.
Oscar: Stanley, could you look up "accomplices"?
Stanley: Can't you guys do it?
Oscar: 'Cause we're looking up "jail time".

Jim: Do you remember what you said to me on my first day of work, just before you walked me over to my desk?
Pam: Yeah: "Enjoy this moment, because you're never going to go back to this time before you met your deskmate Dwight."
Jim: That's when I knew. You?
Pam: You came up to my desk and you said, "This might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed berry yogurt you're about to eat is expired."
Jim: That was the moment that you knew you liked me.
Pam: Yep.
Jim: Wow. Can we make it a different moment?
Pam: Nope.

Money [4.04]

Michael: We'll ask Powerpoint.
Oscar: Michael, this is a presentation tool.
Michael: You're a presentation tool!

Michael: Yes. Money has been a little tight lately. But, at the end of my life, when I'm sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No. I'm going to be thinking about how many friends I have, and my children, and my comedy albums. I mean, I have a yacht, so I obviously did pretty well money wise.

Dwight: As of this morning, we are completely wireless here on Schrute Farms. So as soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we can have power back on.

Dwight: My girlfriend and I broke up recently. And I must say, I am relieved. Gives me a chance to sow my wild oats. In the Schrute family, we have a tradition, where when the male has sex with another woman, he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his door step by his parents. You can use these oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. I don't care—they're your oats.

Jim: Did I ever tell you why I left Scranton?
Dwight: [sobs]
Jim: Yeah, I didn't think I had. Well, it was all about Pam. Yeah, I mean, she was with Roy... and I just couldn't take it. I mean, I lost it, Dwight. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate on anything. And then weird stuff, like, food had no taste. So my solution was to move away. It was awful. And it is something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. And that includes you.

Local Ad [4.05]

Dwight: Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user, virtual environment. It doesn't have points or scores. It doesn't have winners or losers.
Jim: Oh, it has losers.

Meredith: I'm excited about doing the ad, but I'm not really used to doing videos with so many people around.

Branch Wars [4.06]

Dwight: The eyes are the groin of the head.

Karen: Let me ask you. Did you accomplish what you wanted?
Dwight: Listen, lady. You can expect these kinds of repercussions as long as you keep trying to poach our people.
Karen: I'm taking Stanley.
Dwight: Then we will burn Utica to the ground.
Michael: Dwight! [clears his throat] Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them. And if you so much as harm a hair on Stanley's head... We will burn Utica to the ground.

Survivor Man [4.07]

Pam: [about the corporate retreat] Michael wasn't invited. Apparently they already knew everything they needed to know about him.

Michael: Ten years, you'll figure it out.
Jim: Well, I don't think I'll be here in ten years.
Michael: That's what I said. [Jim looks concerned] That's what she said.
Jim: That's what who said?
Michael: I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension. When things sort of get hard.
Jim: That's what she said.
Michael: Hey! Nice, really good. Bravo, my young ward.

The Deposition [4.08]

Kelly: I don't talk trash, I talk smack. They're totally different. Trash talk is hypothetical, like: Your mom is so fat she can eat the internet. But smack talk is happening like right now. Like: You're ugly and I know it for a fact 'cause I got the evidence right there.

Jan: People underestimate Michael. There are plenty of things that he is well above average at. Like ice skating. He is a very good ice skater.

Dinner Party [4.09]

Jan: I'm so, so sorry for the temperature in here. The, uh, sliding glass door shattered. It's actually a really cute story. Do you wanna tell it, babe, or should I tell it?
Michael: I don't like that story, babe.
Jan: Come on! It's a cute story. Michael ran through the sliding glass door because he thought he heard the ice cream truck.
Michael: Stop! Stop it! I mean... I like ice cream, okay? Sue me! Oh no, don't! I shouldn't say that jokingly because she will sue me. She loves to sue! She loves lawsuits. You know, honey, that door was extremely clean, and it looked invisible.
Jan: You are so right. You are SO right! Because before I lived here the glass was always covered with smudges and I moved in and I cleaned it and I guess that makes me the devil!
Michael: [laughing crazily] You are! She is! She is the devil! I'm in hell! I'm burning. Help me.

Michael: When I said that I wanted to have kids and you said that you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then, when you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn't so sure? Who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you definitely didn't wanna have kids? Who had it reversed back? Snip snap snip snap snip snap! I did! You have no idea the physical toll that three vasectomies have on a person! And I bought this condo to fill with children!
Jan: I am so sorry that I don't wanna bring kids into this screwed up world.
Michael: I am sorry too.
Jan: But look if you wanna have kids, then fine! You win! Let's have a f**king kid!
Michael: Do you mean it? You wanna have a kid?
Jan: I hate my life.

Chair Model [4.10]

Michael: What part of "shorn't" don't you understand?

Andy: I did this for the little guy. For Joe Six-pack. The guy who wakes up every morning in his $400 a month apartment, wonders how he's going to pay his mortgage; wonders how he's going to fill his car up with oil; wonders "How am I going to pay my kids' orphanage bills?" That guy shouldn't have to wonder where he's going to park.

Night Out [4.11]

Ryan: Do you have a question, Kelly?
Kelly: Yeah, I have a lot of questions. Number one: how dare you?

Pam: There is a spare key, and a master key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked "What if you die, Dwight, how will we get into the office?", he said "If I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks."

Did I Stutter? [4.12]

Creed: A lot of jazz cats are blind. But they can play the piano like nobody's business. I'd like to put the piano in front of Pam, without her glasses, and see what happens. I'd also like to see her topless.

Stanley: It's like I used to tell my wife. I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong. And if you don't like it you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife and I'll say it to my next one, too.

Job Fair [4.13]

Jim: Today, I am meeting a potential client on the golf course because Ryan put me on probation. You remember Ryan: he was the temp here. Yeah and, uh, it is not a good time for me to lose my job since I have some pretty big long-term plans in my personal life with Pam that I'd like her parents to be psyched about. So, I am about to do something very bold in this job that I've never done before: Try.

Pam: Do you remember you specifically told me to bring one sheet of paper? You said it only takes one sheet to make a difference. I said, "Are you sure, Michael?" And you said, "Pam! Pam! Pam!" And then you sneezed in my tea and then you said, "Don't worry, it's just allergies." Do you remember that?

Goodbye, Toby [4.14]

[Michael and Dwight discuss Holly, Toby's replacement]
Dwight: So what do we know about her?
Michael: Well, we know that Toby thinks she'll be great. So strike one, I hate her already.
Dwight: I hate her, too.
Michael: Why do you hate her?
Dwight: Because she... stinks. With her... ways. And her... head.
Michael: You know Dwight, sometimes... I dunno, I think you say things just to agree with me.
Dwight: Would that be such a bad thing?
Michael: Yeah, it would! Just have a thought! Have an original thought! Although I will agree that her head is weird.

Dwight: Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked.

Holly: [thinks Kevin is slow] Hi!
Kevin: Hi.
Holly: What do you do?
Kevin: I do the numbers.
Holly: Oh, good for you!
Kevin: You want an M&M?
Holly: Oh, no, that is so sweet. Thank you, though.
Kevin: I keep them here at my desk so that everybody doesn't take them.
Holly: Well, that is a very safe place for them.
Kevin: [smiling] Yeah.

Oscar: Well, this is what happened. Uh, Ryan's big project was the website. Which wasn't doing so well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice. Once as offices and once in the website sales, which is what we refer to in the business as misleading the shareholders. Another good term is fraud. The real crime, I think, was the beard.

Andy: Angela, will you do me the honor of giving me your tiny hand in marriage?
Angela: ...Okay.
Andy: Into the mic, sweetie.
Angela: I said, okay.
Andy: She said yes! [light applause from some people] And the crowd goes wild! Woo!

Season 5

Weight Loss [5.01]

Dwight: Wait a minute. One more bite of eclair each. Hold it in your mouth if you can't swallow.
Jim: [looks to Michael for a "That's what she said"] Really? Nothing?

Michael: What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.

Kelly: I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico.
[cuts to Creed in an interview]
Creed: That wasn't a tapeworm.

Ryan: Kelly.
Kelly: Oh, hello Ryan. You look well.
Ryan: I wanted to say I'm sorry... for treating you bad the past couple years. I was in my mid twenties and I was going through a lot of stuff. I think I never fully processed 9/11.

Michael: Thank you. Holly is right. People, this is not just about winning some extra vacation days. This is about a very cool HR initiative that if we don't follow, we are all going to die of obesity. So how much are we gonna lose?
Jim: I would like to lose 65 pounds.
Michael: Yes, all right. Who else? [to Angela] Can I put you down for 10 pounds?
Angela: No. My doctor wants me to gain weight.
Michael: If you gain weight, you will die. I want you to live forever. I want us all to live forever. How? How are we going to do this?
Jim: Cryogenics. Beer me five.
Michael: This is how we're gonna do it. Five pounds. I'm asking each of you to lose five pounds. That plus Jim's 65 will give us a very good chance at winning this thing.

Business Ethics [5.02]

Michael: I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me. And I think it's because they see me as one of them. But... cooler and with my life put together a little bit more. If a baby were President, there would be no taxes. There would be no war. There would be no... government, and... things could get terrible. And actually probably it would be a better screenplay idea then a serious suggestion.

Oscar: That isn't ethics. Ethics is a real discussion of the competing conceptions of the good. This is just the corporate anti-shoplifting rules.
Andy: I'll drop an ethics bomb on you. Would you steal bread to feed your family? ...Boom!
Oscar: Exactly, Andy.
Andy: Yeah, I took intro to philosophy, twice. No big deal.
Dwight: It's a trick question. The bread is poisoned. Also, it's not your real family. You've been cuckolded by a stronger, smarter male.
Andy: No, that's... not how it works.
Michael: I would not... steal the bread. And I would not let my family go hungry.

Baby Shower [5.03]

Jim: Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through delusion.

Stanley: I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They always complain. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles. I'm constantly hungry. Do you think my nipples don't get sore, too? Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?

Crime Aid [5.04]

Michael: In my opinion, the third date is traditionally the one where... you have sex. Does Holly feel that way? I don't know. I will probably find out tonight. If she starts having sex with me I'll know for sure.

Creed Bratton: Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name: Creed Bratton.

Employee Transfer [5.05]

Holly: It's been a weird week since we found out I had to transfer. Michael wanted me to quit and get some job here in Scranton, and I said, "Well, why don't you quit and get some job in Nashua?" And he said, "I asked you first." And I said, "First!" at the same time he did. And then I said "Jinx." And then we never talked about it again and haven't been back to the conversation. So...

Pam: [dressed as Charlie Chaplin] So apparently no one dresses up for Halloween here. I wish I had known that before I used grease paint for my mustache. And I can't even take off my hat... because then I'm Hitler.

Customer Survey [5.06]

Kelly: Get out of my nook, Dwight.
Pam: [heard through Jim's Bluetooth] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
Jim: Good one.

Michael: Kelly Kapoor is our dusky, exotic customer service rep. And once a year, she will contact our clients and find out how happy they are with our salespeople. Sort of a Kapoor's List. "Schindler's List" parody. ...That's not appropriate, no.

Business Trip [5.07]

Jim: Pam comes back from New York next week. And everyone here has just been so excited for me, and involved, and intrusive, and weird.

Dwight: [Interrupting Jim and Pam's kiss in the parking lot] You're back.
Pam: Uh, yeah.
Dwight: Good. [hands Pam a stack of papers] I need you to make five copies of these.
Pam: I'm not going inside.
Dwight: Alright, first thing in the morning then.
Jim: [to Pam] Welcome back.

Frame Toby [5.08]

Michael: I learned a while back that if I don't text 911, people will not return my calls. Uhhm, but now people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened.

Dwight: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier, it’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business; she’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come, and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada – I don’t trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard: I have a son, and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadéro. She’s been waiting for me all these years, she’s never taken another lover. I don’t care. I don’t show up. I go to Berlin. That’s where I stashed the chandelier.

The Surplus [5.09]

Michael: Why don't you explain this to me like I'm five.
Oscar: Your mommy and daddy give you ten dollars to open up a lemonade stand. So you go out and you buy cups and you buy lemons and you buy sugar. And now you find out that it only costs you nine dollars.
Michael: Ho-oh!
Oscar: So you have an extra dollar.
Michael: Yeah.
Oscar: So you can give that dollar back to mommy and daddy, but guess what? Next summer...
Michael: I'll be six.

Andy: What's that smell?
Dwight: You're going to need to be more specific.
Angela: It's manure. Dwight, you need to get the manure out of here.
Dwight: Manure covers up the smell of the slaughterhouse.
Angela: You're going to slaughter animals on our wedding day?
Dwight: You want to eat, don't you?

Moroccan Christmas [5.10]

Phyllis: Oh I don't think it's blackmail. Angela just does what I ask her to do so I won't tell everyone that she's cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be blackmail, it would have to be a formal letter.

Michael: As it turns out, you can't just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um. I think I can do it. I did it with Jan.

The Duel [5.11]

Jim: Andy still doesn't know that Angela's having an affair with Dwight. And it's been seventeen days. I mean, eventually he'll figure it out, when their kids have giant heads and beet-stained teeth. But right now it's just...awkward.

Michael: My philosophy is basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don't ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what. No matter...where. Or who, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or...or where you've been...ever. For any reason, whatsoever.

Prince Family Paper [5.12]

Jim: Okay, okay, okay. Why don't we just put this to a vote, and then we'll be done with it.
Angela: I'm not voting.
Jim: No one cares.

Dwight: Your heart is a wonderful thing, Michael. But it has made some terrible decisions.
Michael: That is true.
Dwight: Yes.
Michael: That is true. We have gone down the wrong path many, many times.
Dwight: Yeah.
Michael: Jan...Ryan.

Stress Relief [5.13]

Andy: [yelling] The fire is shooting at us!

Stanley: Did I want to come back? No, but I don't have enough money to retire and I'm too old to get another job. I feel like I'm working in my coffin.

Oscar: I think I'm basically a good person. But I am going to try to make him cry.

David Wallace: How could you possibly think this was a good idea?
Dwight: Many ideas were not appreciated in their time.
Michael: Electricity.
Dwight: Shampoo.

Jim: [regarding Pam's father] What did he say? Is it my fault?
Pam: Yeah. He said that you told him how much you love me. About how you feel when I walk in a room. And about how you've never doubted for a second that I'm the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. I guess he's never felt that way about my mom, even at their best.
Jim: You okay?
Pam: Yeah. [Cut to talking head] When you're a kid, you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are going to be right about that.

Lecture Circuit (Part 1) [5.14]

Pam: I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that al-Qaeda hates me. [pause] I think if they got to know me, they wouldn't hate me. But, Karen knows me, and she still hates me.

Dwight: Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.

Lecture Circuit (Part 2) [5.15]

Jim: Actually, when I was seven, my dad took me to the Natural History Museum in New York. And we looked at fossils all day. And at the end of the day, he got me a little plastic triceratops. It was awesome.
Dwight: That's cool. Hey, you know what's even cooler than triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed.
Jim: Didn't see that one coming.

Kelly: I'm too excited to sleep!

Blood Drive [5.16]

Pam: They have new phone systems now that can ring directly to a salesman, or someone presses star and they go to accounting, basically 95% of my job. But I'd like to see a machine that puts out candy for everyone. [pauses] Vending machine...

Michael: It's not a big deal really. I just, you know met somebody, we hardly talked, I picked up her glove so I was hoping I could give it back to her.
Kelly: Oh my God, that makes it even more romantic. This is like a modern day Enchanted, it's like a fairy tale.
Meredith: She could be your soul mate.
Dwight: Oh, not likely. 3 billion women on the planet, most of them live in Asia, so the numbers just don't add up.

Golden Ticket [5.17]

Dwight: Knock, knock.
Michael: Who's there?
Dwight: The KGB.
Michael: The KGB who? [Dwight slaps Michael]
Dwight: WE WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS!

Kevin: Lynn, I'm just going to say to you everything that I'm thinking.
Lynn: Okay.
Kevin: I think you have the best smile. I'd like to take you out to dinner and a movie.
Lynn: Okay.
Kevin: Nice. [looks down] Boobs.

New Boss [5.18]

Michael: This little hellraiser is Angela. She has slept with a bunch of different guys in the office. Right over there [points to Andy] in the orange.
Andy: Hey-oh!

Charles: No, it is not.
Michael: No, it is not.
Charles: Okay, so we're on the same page, great.
Michael: Okay, so we're on the same page, great.
Charles: Okay, Michael.
Michael: Okay, Michael.
Charles: No, seriously.
Michael: No, seriously.
Charles: How old are you?
Michael: How old are you?
[cuts to Pam in an interview]
Pam: I can tell Michael's mood by which comedy routine he chooses to do. The more infantile, the more upset he is. And he just skipped the Ace Ventura talking butt thing. He never skips it. This is bad.

Two Weeks [5.19]

Toby: Michael's like a movie on a plane. You know it's not great, but it's something to watch. And then when it's over, you're like, how much time is left on this flight? You know, now what?

Michael: Stanley!
Stanley: Can't you see I'm urinating?
Michael: Listen, listen, Stanley. You don't need to answer me now.
Stanley: No.
Michael: Just...I want you to think about it. I am starting my own company...
Stanley: No.
Michael: You're not letting me finish and you just lost out on a million dollars.
Stanley: No I didn't.

Dream Team [5.20]

Jim: Charles is having Kevin cover the phones for a while. How do I say this diplomatically...I think Kevin is doing exactly as well as anyone might have expected someone like him to perform in a position like that.

Bowling Alley Employee: [to Ryan] Get back to work, shoe bitch!

Michael Scott Paper Company [5.21]

Dwight: Listen, when I saw you talking to Erin earlier, I noticed that your pupils dilated and your skin flushed and, I'm assuming, a little bit of blood rushed into your penis. Well, a little bit of blood rushed into mine as well, so where does that leave us?

Michael: Maybe the Michael Scott Paper Company was a huge mistake. I should leave. I should go and start my own paper company. That'll show 'em.

Heavy Competition [5.22]

Andy: I know a few things about love. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things.

Dwight: You think this is some kind of game? No. This is a war. I will not stop, I will not rest. You have no idea what kind of enemy you've created. You have unleashed the wolf!
Michael: Be that as it may, I have your meatball parm sandwich here, and I am going to eat it.
Dwight: And I knew that you would do that. Their meatball parm is their worst sandwich!
Michael: [tasting the sandwich] Ah, bastard!

Broke [5.23]

Pam: When a child gets behind the wheel of a car and runs into a tree, you don't blame the child; he didn't know any better. You blame the 30-year-old woman who got in the passenger seat and said, "Drive, kid; I trust you."

Michael: I have no shortage of company names.
David Wallace: Michael...
Michael: That's one of them.

Casual Friday [5.24]

Creed: So hey, I wanna set you up with my daughter.
Jim: Oh, I'm engaged to Pam.
Creed: I thought you were gay.
Jim: Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?
Creed: I don't know.

Dwight: When held over heat, the invisible ink will reveal that everyone should meet at the warehouse immediately. Do not ask me where I got the invisible ink. [pause] Urine. It was urine.

Cafe Disco [5.25]

Jim: So this morning, we are having breakfast together...and I just looked up from my cereal and I said, "You know what I wanna do today? I wanna marry you."
Pam: I had just woken up. I didn't look cute. That's how I knew he meant it.

Dwight: This remedy has been passed down in my family for generations and it always works. My grandfather was told that Diamond Dancer would never race again. They were wrong. He came in ninth in the Apple Creek Derby. And his jerky came in third the following year. A majestic beast. So fast...so tender.

Company Picnic [5.26]

Michael: I lied to Kevin. Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together and I'm going to find the perfect moment today and I'm gonna tell her. [quickly looks at crinkled note and looks back up] Number one: "Holly, you and I are soup snakes." The...and the reason is...because, in terms of the soup we like to eat. That doesn't make any sense. [checks note again] We're soulmates! Holly and I are soulmates.

Michael: I didn't find the perfect moment because I think today is about just having today. And I think we're one of those couples who'll have a long story when people ask how we found each other. I will see her every now and then, and maybe one year she'll be with somebody and the next year I'll be with somebody and it's gonna take a long time... And then it's perfect. I'm in no rush.

Season 6

Gossip [6.01]

Andy: This is not the first time rumors about me being gay have come up. Twice before actually. Just a weird coincidence. A little too weird. Almost makes you wonder if it's not a coincidence at all! Whoa! Which it is, of course. But it makes you wonder.

Michael: How long have you known about the pregnancy? A week? A month? A year?
Jim: Michael, we only told our parents last week.
Michael: Did you pee on a stick?
Jim: I did. It was inconclusive.
Michael: You should've told me.
Pam: You're right. We should have realized that you are an equal part in this.

The Meeting [6.02]

Michael: I'm going in for a procedure today.
Oscar: Is everything ok?
Michael: Yeah. It's routine. I'm just a little bit scared.
Oscar: I'm sure everything will be fine. What's the procedure if you don't mind my asking?
Michael: It is a colonoscopy.
Oscar: Ok.
Michael: In your experience, what should I be expecting, in terms of sensation. Or, emotions. [pause] Is there anything I can do to make it more pleasurable for me or for Dr. Shandri. My main concern is should I have a safe word?
Oscar: Yeah. [leaves]

David Wallace: A cheese platter?
Andy: Oui, oui, monsieur. From the Wisconsin region: a nice, firm cheddar. Also from the great state of Wisconsin, an aged parmesan. Here you will find here a cheddar-style spread, which has reacted nicely with the air to form a light rind, which I believe you will find both challenging and delicious. At that point, I would recommend you take a quick trip south of the border to the great state of Illinois where you will find this fine blue cheese dressing. If I may be so bold, it's a lot of fun to let the Goldfish take a little swim in the blue cheese. Bon appétit.

The Promotion [6.03]

Oscar: Look, it doesn't take a genius to know that every organization thrives when it has two leaders. Go ahead, name a country that doesn't have two presidents. A boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes?

Michael: You know, what eats a large amount of the day are naps. You go to sleep it's light out, you wake up it's dark. That's the whole day. Where did that day go? I have no idea.
Jim: You mean on a weekend.
Michael: ...Yes.

Niagara [6.04]

Dwight: Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesn't like, she is screwed. It's amazing: a three ounce fetus is calling the shots. It's so bad ass.

Jim: I just wanna say how happy we are, that all of you are here tonight. And I want to especially thank those of you who have traveled from far away to be here with us tonight. Especially the Florida cousins, who obviously can't take a hint. Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl, who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing that I've ever had to do, which was just to wait. Don't get me wrong, I flirted with her. Pam, I can now admit in front of friends and family, that I do know how to make a photocopy. Didn't need your help that many times. And, uh, do you remember how long it took you to teach me how to drive stick?
Pam: Like a year!
Jim: I've been driving stick since high school, so... For a really long time that's all I had. Little moments with a girl who saw me as a friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl I work with, but I think even then I knew that...I was waiting for my wife.

Manager: Mr. Malone, your shoes are gone.
Kevin: They were stolen?
Manager: No, destroyed. When the bag was opened by our shoe shine, the smell overcame him. I too smelled them and made the choice that they must be thrown away. Incinerated actually.
Kevin: But that was my only pair of shoes.
Manager: It became a safety issue, sir.

Michael: They asked for cash but, you know, I give them cash every week. So, how much cash does a person need? I have taken it on myself to do something a little more special. I have painted a portrait of the two of them from memory. And I have another one of them in the nude. But that one is for me.

Jim: I bought those boat tickets the day I saw that YouTube video. I knew we'd need a backup plan. The boat was actually Plan C, the church was Plan B, and Plan A was marrying her a long, long time ago. Pretty much the day I met her.

Mafia [6.05]

Oscar: Pam and Jim are on their honeymoon, so there's not the usual balance between sane and others. Toby has mentally checked out since June. It's a very dangerous time. The "coalition for reason" is extremely weak.

Dwight: "R" is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it murder and not mukduk.

The Lover [6.06]

Jim: Oh, so Dwight gave me this wooden mallard as a gift. I found a recording device in it. Yes. So, I think if I play it just right, I can get Dwight to live out the plot of National Treasure.
Pam: You need to be more upset about this. She's your mother too now. Your mother is sleeping with Michael Scott.

Michael: I don't need to be friends with Pam. I have plenty of female friends. My mom. Pam's mom. My aunt, although she just blocked me on IM. What's-her-face from Quizno's? I see her four times a week.

Koi Pond [6.07]

Dwight: Jim is my enemy, but it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy. So actually, Jim is my enemy. But—

Michael: I'm not usually the butt of the joke. I'm usually the face of the joke. I wish Jim had fallen into that pond and he'd have to put on my suit and it'd be too short and he'd look...Dammit, he'd still look good.

Double Date [6.08]

Dwight: Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Geez. When did everyone get so cynical?

Michael: I am going to give you a raise.
Pam: Why?
Michael: Because of all the good work you've done.
Pam: I have the lowest sales record of anyone here.
Michael: That's...no, no, it's not about numbers, Pam. It's about attitude.
Pam: I have the worst attitude of any person here.
Michael: Do you want the raise or what?
Pam: Yeah, I'll take it. [turns to leave]
Michael: Hey, Pam, Pam, with this raise there are strings attached. And the string is attached from my heart to your mean attitude.
Pam: You're bribing me?
Michael: No! No...no, I am not. Unless you want me to. Do you want me to? 'Cause I will. I will bribe you. No. Your face is saying don't...unless I haven't offered you enough. Your face isn't changing. What is it? Talk to me, face. Tell me what Pam's brain is thinking. Come on! What do you want? What do you want? Do you want a million dollars? Do you want to hit me? Want me to get down on one knee and beg you or-
Pam: I want to hit you.
Michael: What?
Pam: I want to hit you. I'll do that.

Murder [6.09]

Jim: Co-managing is a give and take. You have to pick your battles. One of the battles that I picked was to stop Michael from running plastic tubes all over the office and placing hamsters inside of them. He was going to call it Tube City. So, yes, I do owe him one.

Pam: Bill Bourbon was my uncle. I would have never hurt him any more than I'd hurt a June bug.
Meredith: Nice accent. You sound like Forrest Gump.
Pam: I do not.
Andy: Well, you do actually. You've got this kinda like Florida Panhandle thing going, whereas what you really want is more of a Savannah accent, which is more like molasses just sorta spillin' out of your mouth.
Kevin: Ooooh, now do the Swedish chef.
Andy: Uh, not familiar. What province is he from?
Kevin: He lives on Sesame Street, dumbass.

Shareholder Meeting [6.10]

Michael: [in a limo] I wish the windows weren't tinted so people could see us in here.
Andy: Hey guys, do you think anyone might have had sex in here?
Michael: Definitely.
Dwight: Smells like it.
Michael: Definitely. Look they got pillows. That's bigger than my bed.
Dwight: Word.
Andy: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
[The limo driver raises the divider window]

Alan: There are many things to be optimistic about in Dunder Mifflin's future and one of them is here with us today. Michael Scott, Scranton Branch Manager.
Dwight: Yes!
Alan: In these uncertain times, Michael has managed to maintain steady profits from his Scranton branch. We all thank you, Michael. [little applause] Another bright spot in the Dunder Mifflin landscape, our new waste pulp re-purposing plant in Milford. [louder, more enthusiastic applause]

Scott's Tots [6.11]

Pam: Obviously, there's been some kind of mistake, so why doesn't Jim just pick the next highest score on the list and we'll move on.
Andy: That would be...employee #3, which is...son-of-a-bitch! Pam Halpert.
Phyllis: How is that possible? No offense, Pam, but how the hell is that possible?
Dwight: [feigning ignorance] There must be some reasonable explanation for this.
Pam: Oh, wait, come on! I didn't miss a day, I came in early, I stayed late, and I doubled my sales last month.
Andy: Oh, really? From what, two to four?
Pam: [in confessional] Yup!

Michael I just, I fell in love with these kids. And I didn't want to see them fall victim to the system. So I made 'em a promise: I told them if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education. I have made some empty promises in my life, but hands down that was the most generous.

Secret Santa [6.12]

Michael: David, guess who I am sitting here dressed as.
David: I'm not going to guess. You can tell me, or I will hang up.
Michael: I will give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards.
David: Michael...
Michael: I am Jesus, David, and you know why? Because Phyllis—a woman—has uslurped my role as Santa.

Jim: [to Michael] You can't yell, "I need this! I need this!" as you pin an employee down on your lap.

Webisodes

The Accountants (2006)

Kevin's Loan (July 2008)

The Outburst (Nov - Dec 2008)

Cast

External links

Wikipedia
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