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Pat Condell
Pat Condell.jpg
Condell in January 2006.
Pseudonym Eddie Zibin (used in the 1980s)[1]
Birth name Patrick Condell
Born 23 November 1949 (1949-11-23) (age 60)
England, UK
Medium Stand-up, writer
Nationality English
Years active 1980s–present[1][2]
Genres Topical comedy/satire
Subject(s) Religion, religious/political satire
Website www.patcondell.net
YouTube.com/Patcondell

Patrick Condell (born November 23, 1949) is an English stand-up comedian, writer, and internet personality. He performed alternative comedy shows during the 1980s and 1990s in the United Kingdom and won a Time Out Comedy Award in 1991. He was also a regular panellist on BBC Radio 1's "Loose Talk". From early 2007, he began posting short monologues denouncing religion to a number of video sharing websites. His videos have been featured on many websites including YouTube and LiveLeak. They have also been published to DVD.

Born into poverty in England and raised as a Roman Catholic, Condell worked in a number of jobs including six years logging in Canada.

Contents

Early life

Pat Condell was born in England and raised as a Roman Catholic. He was educated in several different Church of England schools across South London; he said of this time "I found myself segregated in assembly and shunted into another room while everyone said their morning prayers. The whole pantomime seemed hollow to me even then. Once you become aware of the gulf between what people profess to believe and how they actually behave, it’s hard to take any of it seriously."[3] His father was a compulsive gambler working in a betting shop until he was sent to prison for stealing money. He then died of leukemia in prison.[3] The family was impoverished, moving repeatedly from one rented flat to another. Condell left school at 16 and his first job was washing dishes in the revolving restaurant on top of the Post Office tower, now known as the BT Tower, in London for five shillings an hour.[4]

Condell became a vegetarian in 1976 after watching a deer being butchered.[5] Condell did a number of jobs including six years logging in Canada.[3]

Comedy

Condell performed alternative comedy shows during the 1980s and 1990s in the United Kingdom, his first performance on stage was at the age of 32 in a comedy sketch called Mountbatten’s Plimsoll.[1][3] He also wrote poetry and appeared in the Poetry Olympics at the Young Vic Theatre in 1982,[6] which led to a job writing weekly poems for the Time Out magazine. Pat was described at the time as "a manic gimlet-eyed, crop-haired poet" in Drama: The Quarterly Theatre Review book.[7]

He then performed on the London Alternative Comedy circuit for several years (originally under the name Eddie Zibin).[1] He also performed at the Tunnel Club, next to the Blackwall Tunnel, where he describes the audience as a "nightmare"; bottles and glasses were thrown at him, and one person attempted to cut the microphone lead with a pair of garden shears. Condell was a performer at The Comedy Store in the Cutting Edge team,[3] with whom he performed at the Edinburgh Fringe in 1991.[8] That year Condell was the winner of a Time Out Comedy Award.[9] From 1991 to 1994 he was a regular panellist on BBC Radio 1's "Loose Talk".[10] During the mid 1990s, Condell was performing over 200 times a year. Due to the late nights and regular travelling he decided to start writing for other comedians, while still doing the occasional performance.[3] In 1991 he performed comedy sketches at Duke of York's Theatre, which were released onto DVD as Barf Bites Back! (1991).[11] His 2006 stand-up show ‘Faith Hope and Sanity’, subtitled ‘A Few Jokes About Religion Before It Kills Us All’, was a platform for his comedy and atheist beliefs. "This is the first time I’ve set out to write a show in order to say something, rather than just as a vehicle for stand-up" he said of the show. "It seems to me that fundamentalist Christians, jihadist Muslims and settlement-building Jews are causing more than their share of trouble in the world. World events are being driven by people with apocalyptic delusions, while here in Britain a paralysing liberal guilt allows religious bigots to use intimidation and violence to stamp out free speech. If you can’t get laughs out of all that, you can’t get them out of anything."[3] He performed the show at London’s Etcetera Theatre.[12][13] Chortle gave Condell's performance a positive review saying "His wide-ranging observational routine contains barely a dud line, which is some achievement for 40 minutes of reasonably fast-paced stuff."[14]

He is also author of the play Barry Sorts It Out.[15] The Financial Times gave it a negative review describing it as "a sordid East End comedy written by stand-up Pat Condell. It repeats ad nauseam the same gag, in which Barry's narrative recounts his calm, reasonable thoughts followed with a "so I..." by his crassly Neanderthal actions."[16]

Condell has said of his humour "I used to talk about this stuff in comedy clubs until I discovered internet video. Now I get a lot more death threats, but I don't have to deal with drunks."[17][18]

Online videos

Condell has posted 63 video monologues on various video sites as of February 2010, which together have notched up over 15 million hits.[2][19][20][21] In September 2009, he was one of the top ten most subscribed users on YouTube in the United Kingdom, and the most subscribed to Comedian of all time in the UK.[22] In 2008 Mediawatchwatch claimed he was "YouTube’s most subscribed comedian".[23] Eight of his videos are in the top hundred most commented on videos in the UK.[citation needed][24] His videos have caused Condell to receive hundreds of death threats and also lots of support.[25][26][27]

His videos have been featured on websites and blogs, including Little Green Footballs,[28] YouTube,[29] LiveLeak,[19] Jihad Watch,[30] MilkandCookies,[31] Kathy Shaidle's blog,[32] Geert Wilders, the leader of the political party Party for Freedom website,[33] and Richard Dawkins' website.[34] In 2007 one of Condell's YouTube videos was used in a presentation by Sir Harold Kroto, recipient of the 1996 Nobel Prize for Chemistry, at the Beyond Belief symposium.[35][36]

Condell's first video, uploaded to YouTube on February 8, 2007[37] was his participation of The Blasphemy Challenge,[38] an Internet-based project which aims to get atheists to come out and declare themselves as atheists.[39] The challenge asks atheists to submit videos to the website YouTube, in which they record themselves blaspheming or denying the existence of the Holy Spirit.[40][41]

Pat Condell Anthology

Front cover of Condell's anthology DVD.
Distributed by Amazon.com
Release date(s) April 29, 2008
Running time 180 minutes
Language English

Richard Dawkins, author of The God Delusion said of Condell that "Pat Condell is unique. Nobody can match his extraordinary blend of suavity and savagery. With his articulate intelligence he runs rings around the religious wingnuts that are the targets of his merciless humour. Thank goodness he is on our side". In 2008, Dawkins's website released a collection of Condell's monologues on DVD, titled Pat Condell: Anthology.[42] The DVD was also sold on Amazon.com.[43]

In an interview with the Bosnian magazine Start,[44][45] Condell says his intent "is to get other people's unprovable beliefs out of my life, and out of government, the law and education. I don't care what people believe as long as I don't have to keep hearing about it."[46]

He has been criticised by Christian author Dinesh D'Souza on AOL News, who said "If the televangelists are guilty of producing some simple-minded, self-righteous Christians, then the atheist authors are guilty of producing self-congratulatory buffoons like Condell."[47] Atheist biology professor and blogger PZ Myers, on the other hand, endorsed Condell with a terse "Speak it, brother!".[48] The book Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief, describes Condell as "breathtakingly intelligent, articulate, uncompromising, and funny".[49]

His videos mostly criticise Christianity[50] and Islam,[51] but he has also criticised Judaism[52] and Scientology.[53]

He is a member of the National Secular Society[20] and has a large following of users on the Internet, including a Facebook dedicated to him.[54]

The trouble with Islam reaction

Condell also received criticism after links to his monologue, titled The trouble with Islam were circulated to commissioners in the City of Berkeley's Peace and Justice Commission. Condell said in the video that he thought Islam was "a religion of war", that "Muslim women in Britain who cover their faces are mentally ill", although in some parts of the world women had no choice but to cover their face, as they were "governed...by primitive pigs whose only achievement in life is to be born with a penis in one hand and a Qur'an in the other." Commissioner Elliot Cohen described Condell's comments as "insulting, degenerating and racist".[55]

Condell then accused Cohen of being "motivated by his own narrow personal and political agenda which has nothing to do with me or the video clip."[56] The video was initially sent to them by fellow Peace and Justice Commissioner Jonathan Wornick, who said it "tries to expose intolerance in the Muslim world," such as "the intolerance of radical Islamists who say if you insult Allah, you should have your head cut off."[57] The trouble with Islam has been viewed over 2.4 million times across the internet.[58] Condell said that its popularity proves "there is an enthusiastic audience for comedy ideas and opinions which are routinely censored out of existence in the UK’s mainstream media, thanks to misguided political correctness".[59]

YouTube censorship

Screen capture showing Pat Condell from his Welcome to Saudi Britain video.

Condell's video "Welcome to Saudi Britain" was removed by YouTube early in October 2008, but reinstated shortly after due to other YouTube users complaining and posting the video on their own accounts. In it Condell criticises Britain's sanctioning of a Sharia court, and refers to the entire country of Saudi Arabia as mentally ill for its abuse of women.

A YouTube spokesman said "YouTube has clear policies that prohibit inappropriate content on the site, such as pornography, gratuitous violence or hate speech...If users repeatedly break these rules we disable their accounts." The National Secular Society were amongst the complainants to YouTube, saying "as usual, he (Condell) does not mince his words, but he is not saying anything that is untrue. His main thrust is one of outrage on behalf of those Muslim women who will suffer because they are forced to have their marital problems solved in a male-dominated Sharia court."[10]

Shortly after, YouTube reversed their earlier decision saying "Upon further review of the context of Pat Condell's comments, we've reinstated it." Richard Dawkins applauded the reversal, saying "I congratulate YouTube on an excellent decision. Pat Condell is hard-hitting, but always quietly reasonable in tone"[60]. Condell believed that it was removed due to a flagging campaign by Islamic activists.[25][26][27]

In his next video "Stop sharia law in Britain", Condell thanked his supporters, YouTube, and the people who flagged the video for removal and giving it publicity. He clarifies the meaning of his statement in his previous video which caused the video to be removed, where he referred to the entire country of Saudi Arabia as mentally ill.[61]

YouTube also briefly removed Condell's video "Godless and free" but he received an email from YouTube explaining that it had been done in error.[25][26][27]

Works

Year Name Medium Role Notes References
1991 Barf Bites Back! Stand-up Comedy Actor [11]
1997 Barry Sorts It Out Comedy Writer [15][62]
1998 Stand and Deliver Stand-up Comedy Writer [63][64][65]
2008 Pat Condell Anthology Stand-up Comedy Writer/actor An anthology of 35 of Condell's videos. [42][43]

See also

References

  1. ^ a b c d Condell, Pat. "Comedy and Me". patcondell.net. http://www.patcondell.net/page2/page10/page10.html. Retrieved 2008-05-28. 
  2. ^ a b Condell, Pat. "Pat Condell's YouTube page". YouTube. http://www.youtube.com/patcondell. Retrieved 2008-03-02. 
  3. ^ a b c d e f g Hay, Malcolm (2006-11-03). "Pat Condell: interview". Time Out London. http://www.timeout.com/london/comedy/features/2217/Pat_Condell-interview.html. Retrieved 2007-10-22. 
  4. ^ Condell, Pat. "FAQ". patcondell.net. http://patcondell.net/page9/page9.html. Retrieved 2009-07-09. 
  5. ^ Condell, Pat. "Godless and Meatless". patcondell.net. http://www.patcondell.net/page2/page5/page5.html. Retrieved 2009-03-16. "I became a vegetarian in 1976 while watching a deer being butchered." 
  6. ^ Foreman, Judy (30 November 1982). "Poets' marathon at Young Vic 'Olympics'" (fee required). The Times (Times Digital archive). http://infotrac.galegroup.com/itw/infomark/976/603/71370334w16/purl=rc2_TTDA_2_condell___11/29/1982+to+11/31/1982______________________________________________________________________________________&dyn=sig!1?sw_aep=uwesteng. Retrieved 2009-09-06. 
  7. ^ Drama: The Quarterly Theatre Review. British Theatre Association. 1981. p. 34. OCLC 297266816. 
  8. ^ "STA Catalogue - Event Details". University of Glasgow. http://special.lib.gla.ac.uk/sta/search/detaile.cfm?EID=23884. Retrieved 2009-03-16. 
  9. ^ "Time Out Awards". Chortle. 1991. http://www.chortle.co.uk/features_static/awards/timeout.php. Retrieved 2007-10-22. 
  10. ^ a b Beckford, Martin (2008-09-04). "YouTube censors comedian's anti-Sharia video called 'Welcome to Saudi Britain'". The Telegraph. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/3130883/YouTube-censors-comedians-anti-Sharia-video-called-Welcome-to-Saudi-Britain.html. Retrieved 2009-03-16. 
  11. ^ a b "Barf Bites Back! (VHS) (1991)". Amazon.co.uk. http://www.amazon.co.uk/Barf-Bites-Back-Tony-Slattery/dp/B00008T3N4. Retrieved 2009-03-16. 
  12. ^ "As recommended by the Messiah…". Chortle.co.uk. 2006-10-11. http://www.chortle.co.uk/news/2006/11/10/4673/as_recommended_by_the_messiah%85. Retrieved 2009-03-17. 
  13. ^ Hall, Julian (2007-01-11). "James Sherwood: I Know What You Did Last Sunday, Etc Theatre, London". Independent.co.uk. http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/theatre-dance/reviews/james-sherwood-i-know-what-you-did-last-sunday-etc-theatre-london--none-onestar-twostar-threestar-fourstar-fivestar-431663.html. Retrieved 2009-03-17. 
  14. ^ "Pat Condell's review". Chortle.co.uk. http://www.chortle.co.uk/comics/p/315/pat_condell. Retrieved 2009-03-17. 
  15. ^ a b "Pat Condell - playwright". doollee.com. http://doollee.com/PlaywrightsC/CondellPat.htm. Retrieved 2007-12-03. 
  16. ^ Shuttleworth, Ian. "The pick of london's second one-person play festival". Financial Times. http://www.cix.co.uk/~shutters/reviews/96089.htm. Retrieved 2008-02-04. 
  17. ^ "Pat Condell". goofigure. http://www.goofigure.com/UserGoofigureDetail.asp?gooID=8513&catID=&forID=24&searchfield=&usrID=&. Retrieved 2008-05-28. 
  18. ^ Condell, Pat. "Pat Condell's Godless Comedy:". patcondell.net. http://www.patcondell.net/. Retrieved 2009-09-11. "I used to talk about this stuff in comedy clubs until I discovered internet video. Now I get a lot more death threats, but I don't have to deal with drunks." 
  19. ^ a b "Pat Condell's Live Leak page". LiveLeak. http://www.liveleak.com/user/patcondell. Retrieved 2007-12-04. 
  20. ^ a b "Comedian Pat Condell’s videos receive millions of hits". National Secular Society. http://www.secularism.org.uk/comedianpatcondellsvideosreceive.html. Retrieved 2007-10-22. 
  21. ^ "Videos uploaded by patcondell". dotSUB. http://dotsub.com/view/user/patcondell. Retrieved 2009-09-11. 
  22. ^ "YouTube - patcondell's channel". YouTube. 2009-09-12. Archived from the original on 2009-09-12. http://www.webcitation.org/query?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fuser%2Fpatcondell%3Fblend%3D1%26ob%3D4&date=2009-09-12. Retrieved 2009-09-12. "#1 - Most Subscribed (All Time) - Comedians - United Kingdom" 
  23. ^ "Now Condell video is banned from YouTube". MediaWatchWatch. 2008-10-02. Archived from the original on 2009-09-12. http://www.webcitation.org/query?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mediawatchwatch.org.uk%2F2008%2F10%2F02%2Fnow-condell-video-is-banned-from-youtube%2F&date=2009-09-12. Retrieved 2009-09-12. "YouTube’s most subscribed comedian, Pat Condell" 
  24. ^ "All - Most Discussed (All Time) (UK)". YouTube. http://www.youtube.com/browse?s=md&t=a. Retrieved 2008-04-17. 
  25. ^ a b c Brendel, Carel (2009-03-07). "Dwarse cabaretier Pat Condell niet verbaasd over opmars van Wilders" (in Dutch). Netherlands: Algemeen Dagblad. http://home.hetnet.nl/~c.brendel/InterviewCondell.htm. Retrieved 2009-03-17. 
  26. ^ a b c Pat Condell (2009-03-10). "Interview with Dutch newspaper AD Weekend (unedited)". http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=119389495&blogId=475755701. Retrieved 2009-03-16. 
  27. ^ a b c Nasser, PLodewijk (2009-03-09). "Interview met Pat Condell" (in Dutch). Het Vrije Volk. http://www.hetvrijevolk.com/?pagina=8078. Retrieved 2009-03-16. 
  28. ^ "lfg search results for pat condell". Little Green Footballs. http://littlegreenfootballs.com/weblog/lgf-search.php?searchString=pat+condell. Retrieved 2009-03-17. 
  29. ^ Absolute certainty was featured
  30. ^ "Pat Condell: Welcome to Saudi Britain". Jihad Watch. 2008-09-02. http://www.jihadwatch.org/archives/022930.php. Retrieved 2009-03-17. 
  31. ^ "Pat Condell: A Word about the Soldiers". MilkandCookies. 2009-03-12. http://www.milkandcookies.com/link/151778/detail/. Retrieved 2009-03-17. 
  32. ^ Shaidle, Kathy (2007-12-13). "Pat Condell: "Another public relations triumph for Islam!"". fivefeetoffury.com. http://www.fivefeetoffury.com/:entry:fivefeet-2007-12-13-0015/. Retrieved 2009-03-17. 
  33. ^ "Pat Condell on the Geert Wilders ban". geertwilders.nl. 2009-02-14. http://www.geertwilders.nl/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=1516&Itemid=1. Retrieved 2009-03-17. 
  34. ^ "Archive Search". richarddawkins.net. http://www.richarddawkins.net/newsearch,#condell. Retrieved 2009-03-17. "Results 1 - 13 of 13 for "pat condell"" 
  35. ^ Beyond Belief 2007. [Documentary]. The Science Network. 2007. http://thesciencenetwork.org/programs/beyond-belief-enlightenment-2-0. Retrieved 2009-09-11. "(video length 39:56; Condell starts at 17:20, ends at 19:08)" 
  36. ^ "Nobel prize winner gives Pat Condell a shout-out (at 3:00)". 2007-12-05. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bP1gj2vPXIE. Retrieved 2009-03-16. 
  37. ^ Condell, Pat (2007-02-08). "Re: The Blasphemy Challenge". YouTube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8PCecgWKeI. Retrieved 2009-03-27. 
  38. ^ McKeegan, Dave (2008-02-27). "Laughing religion off the planet - an interview with Pat Condell". The Freethinker. http://freethinker.co.uk/2008/02/27/laughing-religion-off-the-planet-an-interview-with-pat-condell/. Retrieved 2009-03-27. 
  39. ^ Adler, Jerry (January 8, 2006). "Beliefwatch: Blasphemy". Newsweek. Archived from the original on 2007-01-02. http://web.archive.org/web/20070102004947/http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16409851/site/newsweek/. Retrieved 2007-09-17. 
  40. ^ Lampman, Jane (January 4, 2007). "Atheists challenge the religious right". Christian Science Monitor. http://www.csmonitor.com/2007/0104/p13s01-lire.html. Retrieved 2007-09-17. 
  41. ^ Berman, John; Ethan Nelson, Karson Yiu (January 30, 2007). "The Blasphemy Challenge". ABC News. http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/story?id=2833103&page=1. Retrieved 2007-09-17. 
  42. ^ a b "Pat Condell: Anthology DVD available now!". richarddawkins.net. 2008-04-29. http://www.richarddawkins.net/article,2517,Pat-Condell-Anthology-DVD-available-now,RichardDawkinsnet. Retrieved 2009-03-17. 
  43. ^ a b "Pat Condell Anthology". Amazon.com. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0018CABC6. Retrieved 2000-03-16. 
  44. ^ "Kontaktirajte Magazinu START". Magazin Start. Archived from the original on 2008-01-03. http://web.archive.org/web/20080103081733/http://www.startbih.info/kontakt.asp. Retrieved 2009-03-18. 
  45. ^ "Start Interview List". Magazin Start. http://www.startbih.info/html/258.htm. Retrieved 2009-03-18. 
  46. ^ "Interview with Pat Condell". Archived from the original on 2008-09-31. http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=119389495&blogID=445230149. Retrieved 2009-03-24. 
  47. ^ D'Souza, Dinesh (2007-09-26). "Why Is This Atheist So Smug?". AOL News. http://news.aol.com/newsbloggers/2007/09/26/why-is-this-atheist-so-smug/62. Retrieved 2007-10-22. 
  48. ^ Myers, PZ (2007-11-28). "Speak it, Brother!". Scienceblogs. http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2007/11/speak_it_brother.php. Retrieved 2007-11-29. 
  49. ^ Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief. Amacom. 2009. p. 288. 
  50. ^ Condell, Pat (2007-09-25). "Hello angry Christians". YouTube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atTSwau9fwM. Retrieved 2008-06-05. 
  51. ^ Condell, Pat (2008-08-31). "Islam's war on freedom". YouTube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JIq7tsVvEoY. Retrieved 2009-04-02. 
  52. ^ Condell, Pat (2007-06-29). "What about the Jews?". YouTube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Vaw658Bow8. Retrieved 2008-05-28. 
  53. ^ Condell, Pat (2008-11-22). "Take a cruise, Tom". YouTube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzMHrVCgU38. Retrieved 2008-05-28. 
  54. ^ Sims, Paul (2007-08-10). "Comedian Pat Condell ranting about religion". New Humanist. Archived from the original on 2007-09-14. http://web.archive.org/web/20071014212229/http://blog.newhumanist.org.uk/2007/08/comedian-pat-condell-ranting-about.html. Retrieved 2009-03-26. 
  55. ^ "Comic in US 'hate speech' row". Chortle. 2007-05-17. http://www.chortle.co.uk/news/2007/05/17/5335/comic_in_us_hate_speech_row. Retrieved 2007-10-22. 
  56. ^ "Letters to the Editor". Berkeley Daily Planet. 2007-05-29. http://www.berkeleydailyplanet.com/issue/2007-06-01/article/27185?headline=Letters-to-the-Editor&status=301. Retrieved 2007-10-22. 
  57. ^ Scherr, Judith (2007-05-15). "Commissioners Condemn Bigoted E-Mail". Berkeley Daily Planet. Archived from the original on 2009-09-11. http://www.berkeleydailyplanet.com/pdfs/05-15-07.pdf. Retrieved 2007-10-22. 
  58. ^ LiveLeak views: 1,739,455 MySpace views: 7,936, dotSUB views: 1,597, YouTube views: 656,907. 2405895 total views. Retrieved on 2009-03-17.
  59. ^ Duke, Barry (2007-08-11). "Condell hits top a million". The Freethinker. http://freethinker.co.uk/2007/08/11/condell-hits-top-a-million/. Retrieved 2007-10-22. 
  60. ^ http://richarddawkins.net/articles/3204
  61. ^ Condell, Pat (2008-09-06). "Stop sharia law in Britain". YouTube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-KHHKuVVRc. Retrieved 2009-03-16. 
  62. ^ "Barry Sorts It Out". UK Theatre Web. http://www.uktw.co.uk/dl/page.php?page=details&id=L01795117504. Retrieved 2009-03-16. 
  63. ^ "Pat Condell". Internet Movie Database. http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1545982/. Retrieved 2009-03-16. 
  64. ^ McCrory, Helen. "Performance Details: Stand And Deliver". http://www.angelfire.com/journal2/amfr4/personal/helenperfdetails-n-z.html. Retrieved 2009-03-16. 
  65. ^ Laing, Allan. "Script? What script? Stars reveal the secret behind new drama Stand and Deliver; It's the way I tell 'em". The Herald (Glasgow, UK). http://pqasb.pqarchiver.com/smgpubs/access/60168323.html?dids=60168323:60168323&FMT=ABS. Retrieved 2009-10-17. 

External links


Quotes

Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

Condell in 2006

Patrick Condell (born 1949) is an English stand up comedian, writer and secularist. He has caused controversy with outspoken monologues on various video websites denouncing religion and political correctness, while also defending atheism.

Contents

Sourced

2009

  • You know, I found out recently that the word "heretic" comes from the Greek word "hereticos", meaning "able to choose" - which pretty much says it all, don't you think?
  • Some people have a way of really getting up your nose, don't they? One such person is Mr. Anjem Choudary, a British-born Islamist with a very big mouth and some very harsh opinions about how people should live their lives. And he's been popping up in the media a lot recently with his pompous little voice and his bushy little face, so stern, so righteous, telling us all what a corrupt society we live in, while fully enjoying all its benefits. His latest lecture is that gay people should be stoned to death - yes, he's a real charmer. I don't know if he's going to be prosecuted for hatespeech for saying this - you know, the way a non-Muslim would be - or if the police think that upholding the law might cause offense and upset community cohesion; you'll have to ask them that, if you can find them. Meanwhile, Choudary wants beer-drinkers, like me, publically flogged - ouch, now it gets personal - and wants all women to be forced to dress like nuns, and won't rest until he sees the flag of Allah flying over Downing Street. You know, with such aggressive opinions, a man is bound to have some inner tension. Maybe he should relax with a few pints of cider and a packet of spliffs, you know, like in the old days, because we recently found out that before he became an Islamist dickhead, this guy was quite the party animal; alcohol, cannabis, casual sex, pornography, you name it and he sucked it in and blew it out in bubbles by all accounts. They say that there's nothing as bad as the enthusiastic convert, although it's a shame he's not quite devout enough in his new beliefs to have himself retrospectively stoned to death for that behaviour, and do us all a huge favour. It's fair to say this man is not well liked in Britain and if the government were sane enough to put him on a plane and dump him in the middle of the desert, where he rightly belongs, I bet someone orbiting in a spacecraft would hear the spontaneous applause eminating from this tiny island, because born here or not, he's about as welcome in this country as a fly in a kitchen, and he serves the same purpose: a poison spreading nuisance who makes people sick.
  • It's at times like this, isn't it, when you realize just how much we need the United Nations - about as much as we need an ear infection.
  • Freedom of thought, freedom of speech, freedom of identity. This is my Holy Trinity, each one an intrinsic aspect of my god: Freedom, the Holiest of Holies. Yes it bloody well is. It is absolutely sacred and inviolable, beyond any negotiation or compromise, now and forever. Amen.
  • So, what do you think the British government did in the face of this open threat to public order? Go on, have a guess. That's right, they caved in like a bunch of spineless pussies! I couldn't have put it better myself.

2008

  • Somebody said [to Condell] recently, "Clearly you just don't understand what a person's faith actually means to them. For me," she said, "it's like the water of life." And I thought, what a great phrase - "the water of life", without which, of course, there can be no life. But even the water of life needs to be contained and properly managed, or it can run out of control, get into places where it doesn't belong and cause real damage. For example, if the water of your life gets together with the water of other people's lives, and they form a deluge, a rushing torrent of righteous certainty that sweeps all before it, including reason, well then it's not so much the water of life anymore, is it? It's rapidly turning into the water of death, as everything in its path is crushed - original thought, rational inquiry, free speech and their tattered remnants are strewn upon the rocks of scripture and blind dogma. What's needed here, obviously, is a dam to contain this water of death, convert it back into the water of life, and give us all a chance to switch on a lightbulb in our minds. And that's where secularism comes in. It's everybody's friend, believer and non-believer alike, which I think makes it the real water of life. At least almost as much as this stuff here - beer. Cheers. (Picks up a glass of beer and drinks from it) Mmmm! Now that's what I call the water of life. A merry Christmas to everyone, especially to all you Islamist crackpots who think celebrating Christmas is a sin. Of course it is - that's why it's fun! Peace.
  • When it's claimed, as it was last week on British television, that Muslims in Britain are victims of British intolerance - yeah right, 1600 mosques worth of intolerance so far, and still building - I think the truth is that, if they are victims of anything, it's Muslim intolerance, because if you are an ordinary Muslim, then surely the last thing you need is a bunch of Islamists speaking for you, because everything they do and say reflects back on you. When they try to force unwanted Islamic values into our education system, for example, or when one of their representatives crudely insults this country by comparing it with Nazi Germany, that reflects on all Muslims, because these people speak for all Muslims. Don't they? No? Well maybe somebody should tell them that.
  • One thing that really doesn't help is when some patronizing, multicultural fascist decides to ban something innocuous because they think it might offend Muslims. These are the same people, no doubt, who decided that kitchen staff in hospitals and schools should serve the cruelty of halal meat to everyone because it's uneconomical to serve it separately, and Muslims must never be offended. Or the people who offered Muslim-only days in public swimming pools, excluding everybody else because, it seems, some Muslims actually are offended at having to bath among kaffirs and infidels. Now, technically that's not racist of them, because Islam is not a race, so that's okay then. But anyone who criticises it is a racist, because language means whatever we want it to mean in the topsy-turvy world of multicultural hypocrisy, where everyone in the West is automatically guilty of crimes committed by their ancestors, should be deeply ashamed of their identity and spend their whole lives apologizing for it.
  • But just because I believe that religion is a cynical perversion of the human spirit that exists purely for the benefit of the paracites we know as clergy, doesn't mean I'm not looking for answers to the big questions just like everybody else - you know, the questions that religion pretends it has answers to, because it knows that for some people, anyone answer is better than no answer at all. Questions like, Why are we here? Where did we come from? Where are we going?...Is there an afterlife, and if so, is it fully licensed for alcoholic drinks? That last bit may seem like a trivial concern to you, but not to me, because I live in a society where many people enjoy a social drink from time to time - not a huge amount, just enough to kill a horse. And in these enlightened days of the twenty-first century, when everyone's human rights and cultural identity are so very important, I don't see why I should have to abandon my culture, just because I'm dead. It's only the afterlife, not Saudi Arabia. Let's keep things in perspective. Of course in reality, we know that there will be beer in heaven, and lots of it, otherwise it wouldn't be heaven, would it? It's almost not even worth pointing that out, but I thought I would anyway, just in case someone wants to take the oppurtunity to be offended.
  • So, I hope the Hindus have it right, because if there's any justice in this world, you (Islamists) will be reincarnated as a female, homosexual Jew, and then you'll find out what a pain it is having to deal with violent, primitive dickheads like you. (to domestically violent Muslim men)
  • We need to stop pretending - because that's what we're doing: pretending - that all cultures are equal, when we can clearly see they're not. Islamic culture is not equal to Western culture; it encourages violence against women, against Jews and homosexuals. It sanctions polygamy and marrying old men to young children in a disgusting travesty of human relations. Anyone in the West advocating these values would very quickly find themselves in jail. It's not equal - it's inferior - and given Islam's openness about its totalitarian agenda, this is not something that should be encouraged in any way. It should be discouraged by firm legislation and by rigorous enforcement of the law. Remember, the law?
  • So I really don't care about anything he [God] has got to say, and if he came down from heaven right now, in a big pair of hobnail boots, waving the book of Judges in my face, I'd simply tell him what I tell every other evangelising prick I meet: "No thanks. I'm not interested in your phony salvation. I'd prefer damnation. Now piss off, I've got some sinning to do."
  • On the other hand, and let's face it, there's always another hand, unless you're a Saudi Arabian shoplifter of course, hurt feelings can be quite traumatic. I've heard that it can take seconds, sometimes even minutes, to get over it.
  • This guy (Pat Robertson) obviously wants to be a prophet so bad. I wonder if he walks around at home dressed up in a bed sheet, talking Aramaic, maybe parting the waters in the bathtub occasionally, just to keep in practice?

2007

  • Well it's a gloomy, rainy old day to be here in London, but it could be worse; I could be in Saudi Arabia where men are men, and women are cattle. Can I say that? The Saudi Arabian Human Rights Commission - now there's a collection of words to boggle the mind, but apparently this organization does actually exist - intends to complain this month at an event in Copenhagen that Muslims living in Europe are denied human rights and are not allowed to freely practice their religion. How about that, folks, we're being lectured on human rights by Saudi Arabia! What's next, animal welfare from the Koreans? I mean, does it get any more surreal, you ask? Well, yes apparently it does, because they also want us to stop linking Islam with terrorism. Pretty rich coming from the guardians of Islam, and the guardians of terrorism. Now, in a sane society, the guy who stands up to make this speech would be bum-rushed out the door the moment he opened his mouth, or even better, run out of town on a rail and dumped in a river. But this is Europe, and we will probably listen to what he says, take it all on board and change our ways to accomodate them, as usual.
  • Just this week in the UK, we've been told that a leading supermarket chain is allowing Muslim staff not to handle alcohol if they don't want to, so you can bet your life they'll be lining up around the block to not want to. We've also had a pharmacist refusing to sell birth control because of religion; we've had a muslim dentist refusing to treat a woman because she wasn't wearing a headscarf; and now we've been told that muslim doctors are refusing to treat certain types of people because of their precious faith. We in Britain have a technical term for this bahaviour, it's called "taking the piss." We don't like people taking the piss, it gets up our nose and gives us the hump - it's a cultural thing. If muslims are really as down trodden as the Saudis would have us believe, why are there currently plans for a Saudi-funded mega mosque to be built here in London, the largest mosque in Europe, no less. Eat your heart out, Denmark, we know you'd love to have it but we're getting it instead, and it's going to be built right next to the site of the 2012 Olympic Games.
  • I do feel somewhat guilty that I'm not more grateful to Jesus, but I just wish he had asked me before he went ahead with it [being crucified], because now I feel like I'm being billed for something I didn't order. Because that's the deal, isn't it? If you're a Christian, you're born already in debt to Jesus, and it's a debt you can only repay, in full, by dying. That's some deal you've got yourself into there; that's like being asked to pay off a mortgage for a house you already own.
  • What is the difference between a Doctor of Medicine and a Doctor of Theology? One prescribes drugs, while the other might as well be on drugs.
  • I've had a lot of emails from people who seem to think that I hate Muslims, when nothing could be further from the truth - not even the official reason for the war in Iraq, which is about as far from the truth as Pluto is from the Sun. But this illustrates, I think, a quality that we have as human beings - we tend to read into a thing what we want to see there, rather than what's actually there, which is of course what makes the so-called "Holy" Scriptures so dangerous. Let me make this crystal clear: I have no problem with Islam - with the Islam where people just get on with their lives and pray everyday, and don't bother anybody else; nor do I have a problem with any religion that has the common decency to mind its own business. But that's not the Islam I'm talking about, and I think we all know this. I'm talking about the repressive, violent, intolerant Islam that considers human rights an insult to God. The Islam that wants homosexuals killed, along with adulterers and anybody else who thinks they're entitled to a private life. But I don't hate anyone, because hate is for losers. Hate is just fear with attitude. If you hate something, you're afraid of it, which makes you nothing but a big pussy, and whatever you hate and fear, you know you're going to attract it, because if you invest that much emotion in something, it's coming your way. The Islamic fundamentalist, he hates America. America is coming his way. Here in Britain, we hate intolerance. Guess what's coming our way.
  • But if I could make just one small positive suggestion. Everybody knows that Saudi Arabia is very rich in certain mineral deposits - notably of course, sand. Oh my goodness, it's got so much sand, it could export the stuff. Or, even better, it could import a load of water and cement, mix itself into a giant block of concrete, and do us all a huge favour.
  • Here in the UK, we've now got an evangelical television channel - it's the kind of thing that will be very familiar to everyone in the United States, especially if you've ever turned on your TV set on a Sunday morning, and seen one holy man after another, urging you to send money so that Jesus can buy a new cadillac. Apparently, Jesus can't save the world until he's been properly kitted out with a million-dollar mansion, and a private jet - some small print in the Gospels that we must have missed.
  • One person I do feel a little sorry for, though, is the Archbishop of Canterbury, the most important clergyman in Britain and he's only got two lousy palaces to live in. What sort of life is that for a man of God? I bet if Jesus came back, even he'd be embarrased for him; I bet he wouldn't be able to look him in the eye.
  • But it seems to me that if God had intended for you to cover your face then, in His wisdom, He would have provided you with a flap of skin for the purpose.
  • But I don't want to be too hard on Islam here, for two reasons: firstly because I don't want to be murdered by some hysterical, self-righteous, carpet-chewing, book-burning muppet with shit for brains.
  • If you're looking at the Bible for a guide to living a compassionate, wise and humane life, well, frankly you've got more chance of finding a lap dancing club in Mekka or a virgin in a catholic orphanage.

Quotes about Condell

  • Pat Condell is unique. Nobody can match his extraordinary blend of suavity and savagery. With his articulate intelligence he runs rings around the religious wingnuts that are the targets of his merciless humour. Thank goodness he's on our side.
  • Brash. Uncompromising. Brilliant. Hilarious. Pat Condell has found a simple formula for success: stating the obvious without restraining himself with the conventions of unwarranted piety. Pat flenses sacred cows, and after slicing away the fat and gristle of tired apologetics and mindless tradition, he exposes the hollow carcass of a culture's hypocrisy... and we laugh.
  • If the televangelists are guilty of producing some simple-minded, self-righteous Christians, then the atheist authors are guilty of producing self-congratulatory buffoons like Condell.

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