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Why me, Lord? I've always been good. I don't drink or dance or swear. I've even kept kosher just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says! Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! What more can I do? I...I..I feel like I wannaa yell out, but I just can't dang-darn-diddly-darn-dang-
ding-dong-diddly-darned do it! I just...I...*sigh*.

Ned Flanders
("Hurricane Neddy")

...Archive/Nominations

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    (For quote samples and episode titles, see wikiquote:The Simpsons.)
  2. Quotes must be from an episode of The Simpsons, and attributed to that episode in the Quote subpage.
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Quote list

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1-20

Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/1

Dear Friends of the Simpson Family, We had some sadness and some gladness this year. First the sadness: our little cat Snowball was unexpectedly run over and went to Kitty Heaven. But we bought a new little cat, Snowball II, so I guess life goes on. Speaking of life going on, Grampa is still with us, feisty as ever. Maggie is walking by herself, Lisa got straight A's and Bart... well, we love Bart. The magic of the season has touched us all. Homer sends his love. Happy Holidays, The Simpsons.

Marge Simpson ("Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/2

Museum? Tomorrow? Oh, oh, Marge, I'd love to, but I was planning on... [thinks to himself] Sleeping? Eating a big sandwich? Watching TV? Spending time with the boy! [speaks up] Spending time with the boy! The boy needs attention, Marge.

Homer Simpson ("Lisa's Substitute")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/3

Well, I'm going to be a famous jazz musician. I've got it all figured out. I'll be unappreciated in my own country, but my gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French. I'll avoid the horrors of drug abuse, but I do plan to have several torrid love affairs, and I may or may not die young. I haven't decided.

Lisa Simpson ("Separate Vocations")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/4

That does it! I've been scorched by Krusty before. I got a rapid heartbeat from his Krusty brand vitamins. My Krusty calculator didn't have a seven or an eight, and Krusty's autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions, but this time, he's gone too far!

Bart Simpson ("Kamp Krusty")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/5

Hi! I'm Troy McClure! You might remember me from such self-help videos as 'Smoke Yourself Thin' and 'Get Confident, Stupid!'

Troy McClure ("Bart's Inner Child")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/6

The League of Uninformed Voters presents the Springfield Mayoral Debates. I'm your moderator, Larry King. Now, a word to our audience: even though we're being broadcast on Fox, there's no need for obnoxious hooting and hollering.

Larry King ("Sideshow Bob Roberts")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/7

Good, 'cause I have a hot date tonight. (lie dectector buzzes) A date. (lie detector buzzes) Dinner with friends. (lie detector buzzes) Dinner alone. (lie detector buzzes) Watching TV alone. (lie detector buzzes) Alright! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog. (lie detector buzzes) Sears catalog. (lie detector dings) Now, would you unhook this already, please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! (lie detector buzzes).

Moe Szyslak ("Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part II")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/8

Why me, Lord? I've always been good. I don't drink or dance or swear. I've even kept kosher just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says! Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! What more can I do? I...I..I feel like I wannaa yell out, but I just can't dang-darn-diddly-darn-dang-
ding-dong-diddly-darned do it! I just...I...*sigh*.

Ned Flanders
("Hurricane Neddy")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/9

I find the defendant not guilty. As for Science versus Religion, I'm issuing a restraining order. Religion must stay 500 yards from Science at all times.

Judge Roy Snyder ("Lisa the Skeptic")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/10

Your theory of a donut-shaped universe is intriguing, Homer. I may have to steal it.

Stephen Hawking ("They Saved Lisa's Brain")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/11

Let's see, social security number: naught, naught, naught ... naught, naught ... naught, naught, naught, two. Damn Roosevelt! Cause of parents' death: got in my way.

Montgomery Burns ("The Mansion Family")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/12

Well, you know how it is with cops. I'll be shot three days before retirement. In the business, we call it retirony.

Chief Wiggum ("Homer vs. Dignity")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/13

Oh, what gave me away? Out of curiosity, was it the "hoyvin" or the "maving" or was it the whole "GA-HOW-VING!" thing that I do?

Professor Frink ("Sweets and Sour Marge")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/14

I've brought laughter to your homes three days a week, eighteen weeks a year, for twelve of the past 25 years. But wherever America has needed me, I've been there.

Krusty the Clown ("Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/15

It won't last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies! Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!

Groundskeeper Willie ("Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/16

We need to bring tourism back to Springfield! As usual, I will open the floor to all crazy ideas that jump to people's minds.

Mayor Quimby ("There's Something About Marrying")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/17

Who are you? What do you want? What year is it? Who are you?

Abraham Simpson ("Million Dollar Abie")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/18

Earlier on this broadcast, I said a word so vile that it should only be uttered by Satan himself while sitting on the toilet. I apologize and will make a large donation to charities that fight teen cursing. Good night.

Kent Brockman ("You Kent Always Say What You Want")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/19

Come on, Wikipedia, load, you unwieldy behemoth! [the laptop explodes] Oh, dear, Sideshow Bob, "Hoist on his own petard."

Sideshow Bob ("Funeral for a Fiend")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/20

You never know when an old calendar might come in handy! Sure it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Homer Simpson ("Bart Gets an Elephant")


21-60

Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/21

Last night's Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever! Rest assured I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.

Comic Book Guy ("The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/22

My Homer is not a Communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist, but he is NOT a porn star!

Abraham Simpson ("Simpson Tide")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/23

Mrs. Simpson you must pursue your dreams! Like my old dream of coming to America and starting a family. Or my new dream, of ditching my family, and sneaking back to India in disguise! [puts on disguise and adopts American accent] Apu? Never heard of him! My name is Steve Barnes!

Apu ("All's Fair in Oven War")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/24

[In response to an aid's concerns that he may have gone mad with power] Well of course I have! Have you ever tried going mad without power? It's boring, no one listens to you.

Russ Cargill (The Simpsons Movie)


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/25

Homer, on your way out, if you wanna kill somebody, it would help a lot.

Hank Scorpio ("You Only Move Twice")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/26

I'm saying, you're what's wrong with America, Simpson. You coast through life, you do as little as possible... and you leech off decent hard-working people, like me! If you lived in any country in the world, you'd have starved to death long ago!

Frank Grimes ("Homer's Enemy")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/27

Ow, I bent my Wookie.

Ralph Wiggum ("Lisa's Rival")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/28

Lionel Hutz, attorney at law. I'm filing a class action suit against the director on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play. I also play Mitch.

Lionel Hutz ("A Streetcar Named Marge")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/29

Ironic, isn't it Smithers. This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you!

Montgomery Burns ("Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/30

Look at all the wonderful things you have, Mr. Burns: King Arthur's Excalibur, the only existing nude photo of Mark Twain, and that rare first draft of the Constitution with the word "suckers" in it.

Waylon Smithers ("Rosebud")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/31

I don't get what he's doing, and I'm smart. Not book smart or street smart or brain smart, but...somethin'.

Lenny Leonard ("Million Dollar Abie")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/32

Moe, it's all relative. Just like, is Lenny that dumb? (Lenny gasps) Is Barney that drunk? (Barney gasps) Is Homer that lazy, bald, and fat? (Homer gasps)

Carl Carlson ("Pygmoelian")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/33

[After George Harrison introduces himself to Homer] Oh my god! Oh my god! Where did you get that brownie?!

Homer Simpson ("Homer's Barbershop Quartet")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/34

Now I don't want you to worry, class. These tests will have no effect on your grades. They merely determine your future social status and financial success... if any.

Edna Krabappel ("Bart the Genius")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/35

Oh, come on, Edna. We both know these children have no future! [The children stare at Skinner in stunned silence] Prove me wrong, kids! Prove me wrong!

Seymour Skinner ("The PTA Disbands")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/36

Bun-jerrr, ya cheese-eatin' surrender monkeys!

Groundskeeper Willie ("'Round Springfield")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/37

Ladies and gentlemen, uh, we've just lost the picture, but what we've seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over, 'conquered' if you will, by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earthmen or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.

Kent Brockman ("Deep Space Homer")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/38

I've come up with another escape. I want you to tie me up and lock me in the trunk of your car, under the pier at low tide. All I need are these everyday objects — a toothpick, some liquor, a gun with no bullets, bullets, and three of my MacGyver writers.

Richard Dean Anderson ("Kiss Kiss, Bang Bangalore")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/39

Hey Dad, remember how you said if I used a chainsaw unsupervised I'd hurt myself? Well, you were wrong. I hurt someone else.

Bart Simpson ("Don't Fear the Roofer")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/40

All I remember about the last two months is giving a guest lecture at Villanova... or maybe it was a street corner.

Barney Gumble ("The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/41

You need to focus on the neglected food groups, such as the Whipped group, the congealed group and the Chocotastic!

—Dr. Nick Riviera ("King-Size Homer")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/42

Let's see—Farmer Billy's smoke-fed bacon, Farmer Billy's bacon-fed bacon, Farmer Billy's travel bacon... Mr. Simpson, if you really want to kill yourself, I also sell handguns!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon ("Simple Simpson")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/43

Whoa! Whoa! A fat, sarcastic Star Trek fan. You must be a devil with the ladies

Wiseguy ("The Homer They Fall")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/44

The hip bone's connected to the... something. The something's connected to the... red thing. The red thing's connected to my... wrist watch... Uh-oh!

—Dr. Nick Riviera ("Homer's Triple Bypass")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/45

This is indeed a disturbing universe.

Maggie Simpson ("Treehouse of Horror V")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/46

Back in my day we had people who stood up to roughens, we called them men!

Agnes Skinner ("Poppa's Got a Brand New Badge")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/47

Now see here ya nose wiping hair combers! Back in Edinburgh, we had a coal miners strike! All we wanted were hats with a wee light on top! Then one day the mine collapsed! No one made it out alive! Not...Even...Willie!

Groundskeeper Willie ("The President Wore Pearls")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/48

My fellow Americans. As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball. But tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!

Kodos (as Bill Clinton) ("Treehouse of Horror VII")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/49

You Americans with your "due process" and "fair trials"! This is always so much easier in Mexico!

Devil Flanders ("Treehouse of Horror IV")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/50

Ahem. Hello, everyone. Before last year's Halloween show, I warned you not to let your children watch. But you did anyway. Mmm... Well, this year's episode is even worse. It's scarier, more violent, and I think they snuck in some bad language, too. So please, tuck in your children and... [sighs] Well, if you didn't listen to me last time, you're not going to now. Enjoy the show.

Marge Simpson ("Treehouse of Horror II")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/51

Your Honor, my client claims that she simply forgot she was carrying this bottle of... delicious bourbon... brownest of the brown liquors... so tempting... [puts the bottle to his ear] What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of a trial!

Lionel Hutz ("Marge in Chains")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/52

Oh, relax kids. I've got a gut feeling Uter's around here somewhere. (starts to laugh) After all, isn't there a little Uter in all of us? (laughs harder) In fact, you might say we just ate Uter and he's in our stomachs right now! (laughs, then realizes his faux pas) Wait. Scratch that one.

Principal Skinner ("Treehouse of Horror V")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/53

YOU GUYS ARE NUTS! All you can do is eat, and sleep, and mate, and roll around in your own filth, and mate, and eat-- Where do I sign up?

Homer Simpson ("Treehouse of Horror XIII")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/54

Son, it doesn't take 15 brains in your head to know thats a bad idea. You saw I had become a monster and you stopped me, like a man. I'm proud of you. Now it's time for me go to Hell. Ohh, eeh, aah. Aah, ooh, eeh. Dead.

—Professor Frink, Sr. ("Treehouse of Horror XIV")


Portal:The Simpsons/Character quote/55

That board with a nail in it may have defeated us, but the humans won't stop there. They'll make bigger boards and bigger nails, and soon, they will make a board with a nail so big, it will destroy them all!

Kang ("Treehouse of Horror II")


Nominations

Nominations may be added and discussed on the talk page.


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